#anyways I may have to talk to my doctor about upping the dose but I might just ask about testosterone instead!

[buysomecheese]

Who up barfing to Step by Vampire Weekend on this Monday evening!!!

[foxufortunes]

So like I was actually having this discussion in the comments of one of my fics at stupid in the morning, but like having thought it through for the day I'm here to messily rant my thoughts on the complicated relationship between the upperclassmen, mainly Dan, and the monsters, mainly Andrew, and Wymack. How Dan is terribly self righteous and hypocritical and lets her emotions get in the way of her captaincy at times. How Andrew doesn't care for the discomfort and fear he causes others and even revels in it, even without provocation. And how Wymack, for better or for worse, is a hands off coach who can't/won't inflict meaningful punishments on his team, even enabling their worst qualities and habits, as part of his ideal of giving people more chances and how that can create a hostile team environment.

Aka, I'm about to throw slander in every direction, because these are flawed, messy characters and trying to make any of them perfectly innocent or always right does a disservice to the well sketched, messy, imperfect, flawed characters Nora created. Blame goes everywhere and no one is innocent. Trauma is a reason, not an excuse.

Buckle up, guys, this is about to get long and messy.

So, let's start with Wymack, who's a bit trickier to explain than Dan and Andrew, but is also the reason they've been brought togethers. Wymack, as we see him on page, is a massively hands off coach, especially when you compare him to Coach Rhemann. Now, it's very possible that this is actually because Nora either wasn't confident/good enough to write him coaching vs where she is now ten years later, or because she didn't want to focus there (although logically for exy junkie Neil's pov that would be weird, but whatever, that's not what we're talking about) but whatever the reason out of universe, it leaves us with Wymack as hands off as possible in universe. (Also, sidebar, some people in this fandom need to learn that out of universe reasons still need to have an in universe reason, "it needed to happen for the plot" is an out of universe reason, but I still need to know why the characters did it beyond "for the plot" or it's bad writing, stop using that for an answer about "why did character X do Y?")

Anyway, Wymack lets the team basically run amuck and sort themselves out, and even enables their worst habits. I think its canon that Abby gets a tip when "random" drug tests are happening, and they certainly don't do anything to enforce the no drugs policies the school and NCAA and probably ERC would have. Wymack brought a bunch of troubled kids together and seems to have no plan beyond letting themselves work it out and Betsy's here if there's trouble. This is why the Matt situation happens. You let a struggling to stay sober drug addict be around other not even trying drug addicts, of course Matt was going to get worse. This is actively bad for him. And in turn then actively bad for Aaron.

His relationship with Andrew is a bit more complicated. Now, I need you to forget everything you know about Andrew through Neil and his backstory for a moment, and just look at Andrew through Wymack's eyes as he first met him. Andrew has been to juvie, and is currently on parole for another violent crime that Wymack may or may not know the actual details about and on medication that Wymack may or may not know what they actually are and do. Andrew asks to come off of them. Wymack says yes. Now, even putting aside the legality of this, Wymack took the unilateral decision that Andrew knows best about his meds and can come off of them. Now, we can talk plenty about how Andrew's medication is portrayed in canon, but plenty of people don't like meds that are actually good for them and try/do stop taking them, often without telling a doctor they're doing so. There's also the fact that, again irrelevant of what we know as the story goes, Andrew regularly drinks, smokes and misses doses, things that can all make medication not work as it should. Wymack is not a doctor, for all he knows he could actively making Andrew worse by allowing this, but does anyway, for a good defence line.

(Also another side note, where does canon get off calling the Foxes a laughing stock? They're five years old. Seth was part of the first batch, right? So they're five years old and made the championships in their fourth year of existing as a team, fuck off are they dead last laughing stocks.)

And this is part of what I don't get about Wymack. He both wants to win above what's good for his team and doesn't at the same time. For example, he's so hands off and enables their bad habits, things that could kill them and actively harm them. He puts Andrew on the bench because he doesn't need a third goalie despite him being better and seemingly rolls with the hierarchy of age over skill, which implies team feel goods over victory but is so invested in staying Class I he semi-regularly lets (and yeah, it's lets not makes but still) Andrew harm himself playing full games on withdrawals (again, as far as he knows potentially stopping his meds working right). And while it could be argued his situation with Andrew is more not wanting to give up on Andrew, that is an the expense of his other players. Anyone who's ever been in a situation where one or two people are hostile/seemingly unpunishable knows how bad that makes everyone else feel.

Because, let's be real, Andrew is unpunishable and they all know it. Cardio is one thing, but he doesn't go through with marathons and nothing else will work. Andrew doesn't care for his own contract, and even if we actually believed Wymack would go through with any threat again Kevin, Nicky or Aaron's contracts (and we all know he wouldn't) Andrew would probably sabotage the game in protest or just outright quit. Andrew gets away with everything and everyone knows it and that can quickly see your team stop respecting/trusting you or feeling safe when you say they are. It's a very dangerous line.

And this is where we finally get to Dan. Because yes, Dan hates Andrew, and is unprofessional in her bias against him. But I think we often forget where this comes from. You often see people talk about Columbia, and Andrew drugging Neil, and should Neil have been angrier, how his trauma impacted him moving on so quickly and whether Andrew's reasons were valid or not because he thought Neil was a threat. And sometimes you see people talk about what he did "to" Matt. Which, yes, wasn't great, and yes, Matt took the drugs himself, but really it wasn't a great move from Andrew. But how often do you see people talk about what he did to Dan?

I mean, let's get some context here. Andrew and Dan barely knew each other. Dan is already getting shit from every angle for daring to be a woman playing and captaining an exy team (and if you hc her as a woman of colour, double this) in a period of time where colleges did (and still do) have a terrible reputation for covering up the horrific assaults committed by their best NCAA athletes. And Andrew, with no provocation, or reason, invites her out, to his home turf, with his family, to a bar he worked out, without anyone to support her and look after her, and drugged her. To find out if she was a women worth following. Not because she was a threat. Because he wanted to find out what type of person she was. He wanted her tragic backstory and he wanted it now (something people criticise Dan for demanding a lot, by the way). Andrew and his group show no remorse and face no real repercussions and then go on to enable Matt getting falling off the wagon and taking potentially lethal mix of drugs, because his mom said it was fine so it's ok and it all worked out, ends justify the means, and is allowed to just carry on with again, no meaningful punishment. Because no harm, no foul, right? (funny how you'll apply that to Andrew but hate when Thea said it, huh?)

Is it any wonder Dan doesn't like or trust Andrew?

And lets be clear, Andrew does nothing to discourage this. Andrew doesn't want to be understood, he doesn't want to share. Andrew is not here angsting because no one understands his attempts to making friends (except maybe, big maybe, Aaron not understanding his attempts at brothering). Andrew is fine if the team doesn't trust him. He encourages it, because trust means friends means feelings means weakness and that's ew. It's not hard to see how, from Dan's pov, Wymack can't/won't punish Andrew and is more interested in winning so won't kick him off the team.

At the same time, Dan is just as complicit in Andrew's breaking the law and hurting himself by missing meds as Wymack. Again, for all she knows, his meds help him, and skipping could actively harm the help they're giving him. Again, she's putting winning, because they have this amazing goalkeeper, above both Andrew and the team's health, and then complains when he lashes out. Some meds need a consistent balance to work, and maybe if he wasn't skipping every Friday to help you win he'd be more stable (we know this isn't the case, but they don't). There's barely any resistance put up to the idea that Andrew plays entire games, because she also wants to win more than she cares about Andrew's health, while at the same time not caring about winning more than her pride, like the rest of the team who are more interested in fighting than winning.

Now, of course, Andrew doesn't care. I think Nicky has it right early on when he says Andrew doesn't care about your boundaries, just his. Andrew is here mostly because he wants to keep Nicky and Aaron close and sees providing value for them (protection, scholarships, controlling protection ect) as the only way to really do it. Andrew sees life as exchanges. But, for all we act like Andrew lives on fair exchanges, he doesn't. As I said, he drugged Dan because he wanted to know about her, what did he give her in return? Nothing. He violated her autonomy and gave her nothing in return. Not even his own backstory. Arguably not even respect. (please, take a minute to imagine how pissed you would be if someone in fanfic wrote Andrew being drugged just to get him to spill his trauma without him even being a threat to anything, or look at how people react to Neil's Columbia scene).

The upperclassmen constantly ignore and violate Andrew's boundaries in very clear ways, and any normal team would have backed off ages ago (or called the cops the first time he pulled a knife) but because they're Foxes they keep pushing. (Also, for all fandom likes to make him a knife nut, look at how often he actually pulls a knife vs punches, it's either rape jokes, or him/someone under his protection being cornered, day to day he goes without). Now, of course, Andrew is a lot of the problem of keeping the team in two halves (again, something any decent coach shouldn't allow to get that extreme) as we see with how well the team works when Andrew is at Easthaven, but we don't know how much effort the upperclassmen actually make (excluding Renee of course).

The upperclassmen are often the first to lash out, and Andrew is often only retaliating, and then the monsters will be blamed. And yes, this is complete hypocrisy. But from the more general day to day treatment, not in the moment when a punch is thrown but attitudes in general, Andrew has proven himself a threat over and over, without provocation. If you can excuse Andrew drugging Neil because he's a potential threat, then why is Dan being hostile to Andrew because he's proven himself a threat different? Is it professional? Probably not, but what else can Dan do? She can't punish Andrew and Wymack seemingly can't/won't either. In Dan's mind, she is being hypervigilant and watching Andrew and taking his actions for the worst possible scenario, because Andrew has given her reason to. A simple drink to get to know each other turned into drugging her and Matt being in awful condition. Why should she give him the benefit of the doubt? Andrew wouldn't return the favour.

In many ways, Andrew and Dan are mirrors of each other. The leaders of their respective groups, both constantly trying to watch out for threats, but while Dan sees the threat she's already experienced with Andrew, Andrew considers her nothing. He's already got all her secrets and cast her aside, not caring for the damage he's done, because she and her friends are nothing to, and he doesn't feel a hint of remorse. He did what he had to, the ends justify the means, and Wymack's gone through too much to get him to risk losing him. He's on a team that doesn't care about his boundaries any more than he cares about theirs and is more than happy to play the monster if it gets the job done.

This came off a little harsh on Andrew, despite that I love him and Dan actually grates on me, but honestly the start of the series he is kind of awful and Dan I can see where she's coming from. Like, I think sometimes we also forget even Neil hates Andrew at the start of the series. Everything he did with Neil, he did with the others, it's just that Neil had the persistence, and the trauma related need to compartmentalise and move on quickly rather than hold a grudge, and a usefulness to Andrew (and yeah, let's not forget the breakthrough is Kathy's show and Andrew realising Neil is useful to him) to let him get in with Andrew so he can start to see the real him, while Andrew keeps the upperclassmen at arm's length.

And wow, congrats and thanks to anyone who read all the way through this monster ramble.

[aleksa-sims]

RL Simself Story ( 18+)

CW: Pregnancy, babies, addiction, trauma

I went to my Doc to get my pill prescription and I also told him I was pregnant. I got good news. I can actually keep my Baby. There are no serious health consequences/probs for my little one.

Nevertheless, it may be that my Baby will go through withdrawal the first days after delivery. 🙁😥 But he explained to me and assured me, that this is not as serious as it may sound. In my situation, it was ok! I was stable and my medication just right. If my Baby gets a withdrawal, it’s just gonna be an easy one. A... mild withdrawal, that's how he called it.

He said it's important that I do not have or get withdrawal symptoms now, during pregnancy!! Because this can harm my Baby!! He even said that it might be necessary to increase my dose during pregnancy to avoid withdrawal. As long as the baby is inside me (unborn), the doctors can’t help him or her. But after delivery, if necessary, withdrawal in newborns can be easily treated without the babies becoming seriously ill or suffering from consequential damage. Therefore, it's important that I am closely monitored during pregnancy, by doctors who are familiar with "neonatal abstinence syndrome". He referred me to a special clinic, where drug addicted pregnant women are treated. What I will experience there, I will tell soon.

Anyway, this news and information has totally unsettled me. Especially that neonatal abstinence syndrome. That's about severe withdrawal in newborns. Babies who go through this have to be treated in the intensive care unit and get morphine. 😭😟😞 It’s pretty serious. I really panicked when I googled it!

After I went to the doctor, I was on my way to my grandparents, my Grams called me. She wanted to talk to me. It was already very dark so I felt somehow uncomfortable. I never had a problem walking through the city at night! On the contrary! I always enjoyed it. But I made a mistake! First, I was totally upset about all this baby news. Second, I walked past a dark alley, that looked exactly like the street where Daniel and I were attacked a few months ago. There was no one around, I felt totally alone and abandoned.

I took my phone. I wanted to call my grandma so that she or my grandpa could come down and pick me up from there, because I realized, I couldn’t move! I was frozen with fear! I saw Daniel lying dead on the street. All the cruel pictures that haunted me for months of Daniel lying there dead, came up again. I just stood there looking into the dark void.... Suddenly I heard a voice. "Hello?" .... Ha?" ... "A.!" Can you hear me?"... "HELLO!" It was my Grams, she took off her phone.

I asked her to pick me up from this place. My grandma told me Nico was with her! 😲 Ha? What?... Nico was at my parents first. He was looking for me, because I didn’t want to talk to him. I was still pissed about Stephanie!! However, Nico talked to my Dad today! 😥... My Mom told Nico, that I was planning to stay with my grandparents. I also had an argument with my Mom & Dad. Well, N. knew where my Grams lives, so he went to them to see me. Besides, Nico never had any trouble with my grandparents, which is why he’s glad I was there. They were the only ones in my family who liked him.🤷‍♀️But is that still the case??? They also loved Daniel, just like my Mom & Dad. So, let's see.

Previous/ Next

[magnus-rar]

Hi hello;;;; i come with a query. Do you mind explaining how you think jonathan got into that fleshy business? Did he read a cursed book? Did he have a mentor who pushed him towards it?

hello!

I should preface this by saying that I have 2.5 versions of his story in my head. aside from Flesh avatar Jonathan (Fanshawe, to be clear. I don't really talk about him much here), I am also an eye-aligned-but-not-an-avatar Jonathan believer (I think this is actually the most possible scenario, though that is a rant for another time). That Being Said I do have extensive headcanons about that

this is about to get very self-indulgent, so be warned. and note the discussions of drug addiction, Jonah Magnus (manipulation), self image issues and other Flesh-typical stuff

so, the way I like to see it going down goes like this: in the late 1820s Jonathan develops an opioid addiction (morphine, to be specific, as this part of his story is highly influenced by Bulgakov's Morphine. the plot revolves around a doctor who had the drug injected as a painkiller and became addicted to it). it soon becomes a very pressing issue as it starts to interfere with his day-to-day life and work, and as he realizes that he can't, actually, just drop it. Jonah, being his dear companion of many years, notices that something is wrong with him, maybe even Knows about it, and confronts Jonathan about it. while I do believe that by that point Jonah made peace with having to kill off his friends occasionally, I don't think it's something he does for fun. plus, having a doctor as your friend of very useful (and even more so since they are both trans, which means Jonah can trust him with his health), so Jonah volunteers to try to help him

they try a couple of things (lowering the dose gradually, quitting it cold turkey with Jonah overlooking Jonathan – diy rehab of sorts) and all of them fail miserably. so, Jonah decides to apply his knowledge of the supernatural to it: loss of control over yourself, your urges, your life sounds like a Web thing. then what is the opposite of it? which Fear would grant you total control over your body, balancing out Web's influence? it's the Flesh

or so he tells Jonathan – by that point Jonah did not believe in the ideas of balance, so he didn't really think Jonathan could "balance out" anything. he knew from the start that if Jonathan tried to flirt with the Powers, he would not walk away unaffected. he did mention to him that he may or may not end up in the service of the Flesh if they tried that, but Jonathan was desperate enough to agree anyway, which was very good for Jonah: he wanted to know what will happen. it was a very new Fear at that point, so he didn't know how it would interact with a human, since he never met an acolyte of It, and so... he made one

Jonathan was a good fit for the Flesh. as a trans man with no access to any kind of gender affirming procedures and in a very dangerous environment, he dealt with a lot of dysphoria. Jonah was trans as well and had similar feelings, but while Jonah's dysphoria came from being afraid that other people don't see him for who he is, Jonathan's came from the very experience of living in his body. plus, Jonathan was always curious about human anatomy, limits of the human body, its inner workings etc etc – it was one of the main reasons he wanted to pursue medicine. his personal philosophy resembled the Flesh's ideas too, even though it was mostly informed by his experiences as a doctor (a talk for another time). so, the only thing that Jonah had to do is suggest that path and maybe lead him a bit, but he was sure Jonathan would get the hang of it very quick. and he did

to be fair, it did help with the addiction, even if just by replacing one urge with another. it also made Jonathan rely on Jonah even more to navigate his new nature. Jonah suggested writing everything down to try to make sense of it (and to keep an account from his perspective, which Jonah could then study)

Jonathan was grateful to him for his help – he believed Jonah was fully sincere in that. and he was sincere, but... to an extent. at the same time, there was a faint feeling of betrayal, which he tried to suppress because (technically) he knew what he was signing up for. nevertheless, he couldn't come to terms with his new way of being, what occasionally led to him lashing out at Jonah for making him like this and then apologizing profusely. rinse and repeat for a couple of years

when Jonathan finally cuts ties with Jonah, he quickly realizes that without his help, it is very difficult to continue surviving. especially since he doesn't want to be a monster – never wanted to, but at least before there was Jonah to tempt him – so he struggles to keep himself fed. it gets worse and worse and eventually resolves in his suicide around 6 months after he sent the letter to Jonah. before doing that, he donated his diaries to the Magnus Institute as a way to preserve the knowledge about who Jonah Magnus is. no one would publish them, obviously, but he knew that Jonah didn't have it in him to destroy them, so the Institute seemed like his best bet

a brief pause for applause, and now we are in the paragraph where I address historical accuracy. Morphine was published in 1926, and they had modern syringes by that time. Jonathan died before their invention in 1853, but they already had morphine – it was isolated in 1803-1805. which means that he'd have to take it orally, which in turn would require a higher dose to cause addiction (but it's still the most addictive substance according to wiki, so it wouldn't take that much). does it have to be morphine? no. but I want it to be, so now it is

I'm not going to ponder how possible it would be for two Regency trans men to meet, but I want to mention James Barry who was a surgeon and a trans man born somewhere in 1789 just because it makes me happy to know about him :)

[swamp-spirit]

So You’re in Effexor/Venlafaxine Withdrawal

Had some provider change bullshit and went from 225 mg a day for years to cold turkey for five days. Effexor’s pretty famous for being The Fucking Worst withdrawal wise, but it honestly works great for me. I’m a dumbass with ADHD, so I often end up without a day or two, but HOO BOY five days was a lot.

Unfortunately, most withdrawal advice I’ve found it targeted at people who are intentionally going off Effexor and focused on working with a doctor and weening slowly, not super relevant to me. I wanted to write up what I’ve learned to help other people who might be going through the withdrawal and not have access to Effexor or a doctor. None of this magically fixes it, it’s just making the shit timeframe until you can get your meds a bit less shit.

Note, this is pretty much all personal experience, and there’s not much research. This is not formal medical advice, and if you can talk to a professional, please do. Also note that I have a number of side conditions that may influence my experience. (Withdrawal is actually something that can be so personal.)

Know the Emergency Signs I’m not gonna fully list symptoms here, plenty of people have done that, but know which symptoms are normal ‘yup this sucks‘ symptoms and which are ‘oh shit‘ symptoms.  If you’re in this situation, I imagine the odds are good money is part of the problem, but know Urgent Care and the ER will usually give you an emergency prescription, so if you feel like things are getting that bad anyways, it’s good to go before it gets worse.

Don’t Drive I can’t drive ever, but pls don’t do this in withdrawal. I know you might have obligations, and I know calling a ride is expensive, but getting in a car crash is more expensive.

Try Not to Be Alone If you can, ask a friend over, go to a family members house, whatever you can. A lot of the emergency signs (delirium, seizures, losing consciousness) mean you can’t seek care for yourself. It’s good to have somebody around who knows what to look for. The biggest danger to people in Effexor withdrawal tends to be the mental symptoms. If it’s safe, let your loved ones know that you’re at higher risk for self harm and suicidal thoughts, and what you’d like them to do if  they’re worried. Most situations aren’t going to be that bad. Usually, it just sucks, but like... it’s good to have somebody around who can bring you soup and listen to you feel sorry for yourself. Treat it like having the flu, and know you deserve the same care as anyone else in that situation. (Yes, even if it’s ‘your fault’ you ran out of meds. If punishing yourself for not thinking ahead/missing an insurance detail/forgetting something worked, I’d never miss a dose.)

Chill Out Your Nervous System A lot of the symptoms (brain zaps and shivers esp) are your nervous system going out of control, so doing calming techniques can actually help. Getting hugs, bundling up somewhere cozy, and doing deep breathing is legit medical treatment for soothing out a haywire system.

Track When In the Day It’s Worst Being sick, unfortunately, does not always mean you don’t have shit to do. I realized pretty quickly my shakes were a ton worse at night, so, even though I didn’t want to do much during the morning, if it had to get done, that’s when it was going to happen. It can also be good just so, when you’re symptoms are at their worst, you can remember that it won’t be like this the entire time until you get meds.

Indulge Cravings When your body’s doing heavy lifting, it starts yelling for whatever weird shit it thinks might help. That’s what weird pregnancy cravings are, and that’s what you need now. Save the diet for later, get a little lax on the grocery budget, and have zero shame about replacing dinner with pickle juice mixed with gatoraid or whatever. If you deal with nausea, try to stick to small meals of whatever seems doable. My personal buddy was Morningstar Veggie sausages since they’re high protein without being too dense or fatty.

Medicine Cabinet Helpers Dangerous layman advice!!! I saw medical pages advise it but still be careful!!! That said, holy shit, those dramamine lemon ginger chews are my best friends now, followed shortly by melatonin gummies and advil.

Room Temp Baths Hot baths can be a lot on an overtaxed nervous system, but I found pleasantly warm water was very pleasant.

Sick Day Entertainment When electronics are overwhelming, books are hard, you can’t get out of bed, and you desperately need a distraction, it’s good to have things you can handle. Some ideas -Calling somebody -Audiobooks/podcasts -Coloring Honestly, more suggestions here would be great. My go to was podcasts, but I know a lot of people, trying to track a podcast in withdrawal sounds like hell.

Anyway, cheers to making it out the other side, because you will. In the meantime, spoil the shit out of yourself.

[mazyb0i]

I need advice or help or just some words of encouragement or analysis from other LGBT people please. 💙💚

Tldr; You have to read to understand because it's complicated

Hi guys! You may or may not know me as the super Rick & Morty / Solar Opposites obsessed fan artist but there's more to me than I let on.

I came here because I trust you guys and I wanna know what you all think. I'm Transgender, I identify as demiboy meaning that I'm half non-binary/Agender and half Trans Masculine. This March I turned 18 years old and my doctor gave me my HRT paperwork to look over and bring in signed when I'm ready. I've talked to my therapist about this for over a year, and I questioned my gender identity since I was 12, when I was 6 I never really thought about gender a lot to be honest I did everything under the sun that girls AND boys had done.

Other things to take into consideration is that I'm also diagnosed:

AuDHD (since 16)

Sever Generalized Anxiety Disorder (since 12)

Gender dysphoria (since 16)

Depressive Disorder (since 12).

I've been really adamant about transition since I realized who I was, around 13, it was a long and painstaking journey; full of loss and gain, disorder and chaos, pain and growth, but I made it through to the other side.

Now that I hold these papers in my hands, I'm scared to go through with it, what if I don't like some of the changes? What if people don't see me as who I am? What if I'm not accepted? What if my bullying gets worse? What if I wake up one day and realize all of this was a mistake and I was wrong? Even though it felt so right. I have a lot of dysphoria but I also don't always hate my body, because a lot of the time I see myself as genderless and it only becomes apparent to me that I'm not genderless when someone points it out and calls me "girly", "sissy", "missy", "ma'am", and the such...

Around trans people I feel like I belong, but sometimes I feel like I'm an imposter, what if my brain came up with all of this as a way to try and find a place to fit in because I fit nowhere? I know I'm Pan-demisexual, when I figured that out I never questioned it again. I feel like I roll with the LGBT people but I just feel so much comfort in the trans community.

I don't think I could live happily as a cis-woman. I hate the labels, I hate the pronouns, and if someone were to strip away my skin and all that was left was a white orb I'd say I was a nonbinary male person. I wish I was born the other way, things would have been so much easier, but at the same time I don't want to be a fully cis male if given the chance. I wish there was an in-between option, a lot of times growing up - I had hoped that I was born intersex; hell, I didn't really even know what intersex was, but I still wished it, I wanted it. I wanted to be the third and most rare option because that is who I felt I was. There's this gut-wrenching feeling that I get when I think about having to sign '• female/Woman' on a piece of paper. Because that isn't who I feel I am. But I also feel that what I am is an immovable and unreachable object that no one will ever be able to conceive or understand, and there's no way that I can reflect my understanding on to them.

I'm not going to go in at a very high dose, I know for sure I want top surgery even if my chest doesn't give me as much dysphoria as it did before my breast reduction, and I want to be happier in my skin. I want a deeper voice, I want the other changes that come with it and the only thing I really worry about is not actually being happy when it's all done and through. Not actually being what I am and looking as I am to others as I feel inside...

Anyways that's enough for spilling my guts, I just needed to talk to someone and I'm completely open with all ears if you guys want to share any input in or share any stories, regards, or advice. Honestly I could use people to talk to right now, I feel kind of alone, I feel like no one will understand me; And I don't know if it's just cuz of my autism, or my anxiety,.or if I'm just stuck in my head rn.

[newhologram]

New's T skincare (and more) recs🏳️‍⚧️🥄

Hello! I'm a enby spoonie trying out a low dose of testosterone for gender and health reasons. Some of you asked how I'm managing my skin now that it's oilier on T, so here are some recs. If you find any of this information helpful, please consider dropping a tip in my ko-fi, becoming a Patron, or donating to my GoFundMe. Every bit helps me afford medical care and stay afloat when I'm too sick to work. ❕ Disclaimer: I'm not a doctor or an expert, just an ex-retail worker with a special interest in skincare. These are products/routines that work for me, so you'll have to experiment to find out what your skin responds to. Always patch test and if your skin really struggles on T, definitely talk to a dermatologist. This isn't my entire collection of skincare, just stuff that is especially good for managing/healing acne. I'll still be listing some products I don't have yet but plan to get in the future as suggestions. If you want to know about other things like under eye care, send an ask and I'll try to answer. Also, you don't have to be on T to try any of this stuff out. If you have some of the same skin concerns I do, then some of these things may be a good match for you. Even before T, it took work to keep my skin clear. It just takes more intensive care now.

ʙᴇꜰᴏʀᴇ ᴡᴇ ɢᴇᴛ ɪɴᴛᴏ ɪᴛ: 𓈒⠀𓂃⠀⠀˖⠀𓇬⠀˖⠀⠀𓂃⠀𓈒

✨Keep in mind that I'm really extra and having a fancy routine like this is part of how I self-regulate. I also have different routines depending on time of the year, time of day, my cycle, whether or not I wore sunscreen/makeup/a mask that day, etc. You absolutely do not need to go as hard as I do with so many products. If you're completely new to skincare, it's fine to keep it simple with cleanser, toner, and moisturizer (and sunscreen when going out!), with masks or spot treatments as needed. 💊A little more info on my situation: I'm on T in short cycles for subtle changes and it turns out that T is really good at treating some chronic illness as well, especially autoimmune disorders. I'm diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, type 2 narcolepsy, fibromyalgia, myalgic encephalomyelitis (CFS), and more. I've been "suspected" for RRMS for a few years due to all of my neurological symptoms but my MRI's don't show much other than some bulging discs. I'm not officially diagnosed yet but am suspected for endometriosis, with an enlarged ovary, backed-up kidneys, unidentified lesions on my colon/bladder, and daily debilitating pelvic/back pain. My periods kill me dead but even when not on them, I'm still in a lot of pain all the time. So far the T really helps with fibro pain and definitely gives me more stamina. My periods have been easier too. Still not pleasant, but not killing me as much. The fact that I've been able to work even one day on my period the past few months is a huge improvement, even if I'm still doubled over with a heating pad. One concern I had with starting T was my skin. I've never had severe acne, but I'm still acne prone as an adult. Luckily I worked in skincare for a while, so I've had a solid skincare routine for a long time now. Since starting T, I've been refining my routine in order to minimize breakouts and heal ones that do happen. The same goes for my hair/scalp routine since I have psoriasis and have to do clarifying treatments twice a week anyway. T can carry the risk of more oil, clogging, and fall out. This post will mostly be about skin but I'll add some of my hair and other recs too. ─── ･ ｡���☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

♥𝚃𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝙲𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚜♥ I: Skincare 1. 𝘾𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙣𝙨𝙚𝙧𝙨 𝘢. 𝘔𝘰𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘣. 𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘴 2. 𝙈𝙖𝙨𝙠𝙨/𝙩𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙩𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙨 𝘢. 𝘞𝘢𝘴𝘩-𝘰𝘧𝘧 𝘮𝘢𝘴𝘬𝘴 𝘣. 𝘚𝘩𝘦𝘦𝘵 𝘮𝘢𝘴𝘬𝘴 𝘤. 𝘚𝘱𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘴 3. 𝙏𝙤𝙣𝙚𝙧𝙨 4. 𝙎𝙚𝙧𝙪𝙢𝙨 𝘢. 𝘔𝘰𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘶𝘮𝘴 𝘣. 𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘶𝘮𝘴 5. 𝙈𝙤𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙪𝙧𝙞𝙯𝙚𝙧𝙨 𝘢. 𝘔𝘰𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘰𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘻𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘣. 𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘰𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘻𝘦𝘳𝘴 6. 𝘽𝙤𝙙𝙮 𝙖𝙘𝙣𝙚 𝙘𝙖𝙧𝙚 7. 𝙀𝙭𝙩𝙧𝙖 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙘𝙖𝙣 𝙝𝙚𝙡𝙥 8. 𝙀𝙭𝙖𝙢𝙥𝙡𝙚 𝙧𝙤𝙪𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙚𝙨 𝘢. 𝘔𝘰𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘦 𝘣. 𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘦

II: Haircare (coming soon) III: pH care (coming soon)

✦•······················•✦•······················•✦ Skincare 1. Cleansers

I have a lot of cleansers because I like to be prepared for every situation, so only a few are pictured here and only ones related to acne care will be listed below. If you want to know what other kinds of cleansers I use, send me an ask! a. Morning Cleansers - In the morning, I usually just do wipes to avoid stripping too much. I'll only actually do a cleanser with water if I feel particularly oily or if I'm actively breaking out and need to start the day with something that's more of a treatment. Senka All Clear Water White - Shiseido, the makers of Senka Pure Whip (one of my fav cleanser lines!) now has a micellar water line. I've tried a lot of micellar waters over the years and this is definitely my favorite one. The Fuji Sakura essence and licorice root are brightening for dark spots (a problem I have after acne) and the Uji Green Tea essence is to remove excess oil and keep the skin matte. I wanted to try the Fresh version which is better for oily/acne prone skin, but was only able to get my hands on the White version but it works great. If I end up finding it, I'll update this post with my results. Fourth Ray Beauty Detox Sesh Purifying Cleansing Wipes - These are fabulous for oily break out mornings. Lots of good stuff like tea tree, witch hazel, and willow bark to treat acne. Can sting a little bit if you're sensitive, but hasn't given me any major issues. Sometimes I use it with a little bit of the micellar water to get an extra cleanse.

Trader Joe's Tea Tree wipes - Been using these for a really long time. They're quite strong, with tea tree and alcohol, so I mostly use them on my neck, chest, and shoulders for break outs there. But I still use them on the face a few times a week as needed for acne. There's also witch hazel, chamomile, ginger, neem, and more. Just a good combo of stuff. Since it's a bit stripping, be sure to tone and moisturize after.

b. Evening Cleansers - In the evening, I usually focus on double-cleansing, especially during a T cycle or if I've been out wearing sunscreen/makeup/mask. Double-cleansing is usually when you use an oil-based cleanser or balm to first cleanse other oils/gunk from skin, and then you use a foam or scrub-type cleanser after (or over) it to get that extra deep cleanse. Just make sure to tone/moisturize well after (will cover those steps too!). Trader Joe's Tea Tree Face Wash - A really simple but effective lathering oil cleanser. CeraVe Acne Foaming Cream Cleanser - CeraVe products are great to start with, as they feature essential ceramides to maintain the skin's barrier. 4% benzoyl peroxide to clear acne, but also with hyaluronic acid to retain moisture and niacinamide to soothe. Senka Perfect Whip - One of my longtime go-to cleansers. It's perfectly soft and foamy, with a bunch of different types now for different skin needs. The original is great during warmer months when I'm oilier anyway, but in the winter I usually switch to Perfect Whip Collagen In for a little more moisture. They have a new Perfect Whip Acne Care foam with the inflammatory agent found in licorice root. I just got my hands on it in May and have been loving it. It's gentle but still potent enough to keep my skin super clear. Momo Puri Peach Moist Cleansing Wash - BCL is a brand I use a lot and their peach line is amazing for the probiotics and peach ceramides. Another great foaming cleanser to replenish the skin barrier but still get nice and clean.

Dark Angels - One of the only LUSH products still worth buying in my opinion (as an ex-employee). I've used this since it came out and it never lets me down. Charcoal and rhassoul are great for pores that get clogged easily, and it's got avocado oil to condition the skin. I scrub this one all over my face, neck, and chest to leave on for 5-10 minutes as a mask while I hang out in the tub. It clears me up fast without irritating my skin. How do I use foam cleansers? Four ways, depending on my needs/spoons that day:

Apply directly to wet skin and massage gently with hands

Apply directly to wet skin and use a very soft handheld brush in small circles. I got mine at Tokyo Central/Marukai Market, but can't recall the brand, sorry!

Use a foamer device to make big whippy clouds, then apply to skin and rub in circles/let sit for 20-60 seconds. Mine is from DAISO.

Apply cleanser to face and/or automatic cleansing brush. I use COSLUS brand. It was affordable and came with a lot of different brush heads, so you can use the one that's right for your skin's sensitivity. I love this thing! I normally use it maybe 1-2x a week, but now on T I use it a little bit more to make sure I get a deep cleanse. ⊹₊┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ✿ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈₊⊹

2. Masks/treatments

a. Wash-off masks - Such as clay masks, gooey masks, or scrub/dissolving type treatments. Tsururi clay packs - Another great product from BCL. I've used these masks for a long time too, definitely my go-to for a quick but effective clay cleanse. These dry in less than 10 minutes. They have a few different types and currently I'm using the Mild Sea Clay pack with Okinawan clay and moisturizing things such as honey, collagen, and olive oil. This one is good if you're more sensitive, but I still find their regular mask gentle enough. They have a limited edition red clay and ghassoul pack that I really want to try as it'll be even better for blackheads. (Tsururi also has a white clay foam cleanser that I tried a few years ago, it's really nice) Tsururi Pore Cleansing Power Hot Stone - I've used this since I was a teenager, it's like magic. It warms up and dissolves gunk in the pores, so I save it for when I'm especially clogged or if I need my face to be extra clean before/after makeup. It's meant to be rubbed in for 60 seconds and rubbed off, but I tend to leave it on for a few minutes to let it do its work. I know this is fine for my skin, but be careful trying it out if you're extra sensitive. Ghassoul, zeolite, grapefruit extract, witch hazel, peppermint - just lots of good stuff for problem pores. SKINFOOD Pear Mint Mask - I'm fairly new to SKINFOOD but have been loving their products so far. This mask is a winner. The mint is cooling and refreshing, and so is the pear with the added benefit of moisture and nourishment. The base is kaolin clay so it's mild but still effective at cleansing pores. This brand has a bunch of other popular masks, so I can't wait to make my way through their lines. Next I want to try their Black Sugar Strawberry Mask. Mad City Soap - Tea Tree & Mint Foaming Facial Scrub - I've bought soaps and body scrubs from this Etsy shop for a decade but only now started trying their skin and hair products. This one is more of a cleanser than a scrub but I use it as a treatment with my other cleansers. It's soo nice. It's creamy and soft, so minty and tingly and wonderful for current breakouts or for preventing them. I use it 1-3x a week as needed. Very potent and a little goes a long way. I'm From Honey Mask - My all-time favorite mask, it leaves me glowing. It's a little bit on the pricier side for me, but it's always worth it. I've been using this for several years and I save it for skin emergencies or special occasions. Honey is a recurring ingredient in a lot of my skincare because it's just so good. It's anti-inflammatory, anti-bacterial, soothing, and helps with elasticity and moisture. So it's not just great for acne, but for anything, really. This mask is very deeply healing so I usually use it after I've had to go hard on harsher acne products and I'm wanting to soothe and repair my skin barrier. This can be a quick 10-20 minute mask but I also leave it on for a full hour when I really need the extra help. This mask uses honey from the Jiri Mountains in South Korea, which have such an abundant variety of flowers that the honey is just jam-packed with healing properties. TONYMOLY I'm Honey Deep Moisture Rescue Mask - If you're on a budget and can't afford the I'm From mask, this one is a great alternative. Honey, propolis, and royal jelly all soothe and hydrate. Still really effective for soothing after harsher acne treatments or during colder weather.

b. Sheet Masks - These masks are great for delivering a bunch of moisture and treatment to the face. I typically save these for emergencies or special occasions but they're also great to use once a week. Make sure to squeeze out what's in the bag too, you can rub it on your neck and chest if you like. Most sheet masks are meant to be left on 10-20 minutes. Ingredients I use a lot are: tea tree or charcoal for break outs, honey or aloe for soothing/healing, strawberry or other fruits for exfoliation, snail mucin for barrier restoration. Naisture - A brand I've used for over a decade, with a lot to choose from. Their tea tree mask is great for break-out days and they also have really soothing aloe and honey ones too. There are a lot of sheet mask brands out there. Other brands I like are Lululun, Kose, and My Beauty Diary. BCL has a 1-minute all-in-one morning sheet mask line called Saborino. They cleanse, moisturize, and prime. I usually use them on work days or tired mornings. I've only tried the grapefruit/avocado one so far but they have so many now. They even have night time masks which would be soothing especially after acne care and covers toner, lotion, essence, cream, and mask in just one minute (but you can leave on for 5-10 if you really need to). ⊹₊┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ✿ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈₊⊹ c. Spot Treatments

MediHeal Tea Tree Trouble Pads - These are great because I don't always want to do a full sheet mask when I have just one or two problem areas. These are like mini sheet masks that come in square pads. I like to cut them in half so I can more easily place them in strips on my face.

Sunday Riley Saturn Sulfur Spot Treatment - I've used this spot treatment for years, it's wonderful for clearing current break-outs and preventing more. Though it can be a little strong and make me red/itchy, so I use it sparingly and always do soothing care afterward.

MAREE Acne Patches - Pimple patches are life-changing. Great way to not just heal acne with the hydrocolloid gel plus ingredients like tea tree and green algae gel, but it covers the acne up to protect it while you go about your day. A very fast and gentle way to heal stubborn pimples. ⊹₊┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ✿ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈₊⊹ 3. Toners

A lot of people skip toners completely and so I get asked a lot why they matter. Toner is an important step for a few reasons: after cleansing, sometimes we can be stripped of natural sebum (oil), so toning is a good way to replenish that moisture. But it also helps prime the skin for moisturizer. The skin's like a sponge, so it's going to absorb moisturizer better if you wet it first with a toner. These days, there are so many kinds of toners with different ingredients and purposes. So I choose a different toner depending on the time of day, weather, how my skin is acting, etc. Fourth Ray Beauty Fresh AF Mist - A very gentle rehydrating spray toner made with rose and cucumber water. Great for refreshing throughout the day too. SKINFOOD Peach Sake Toner - This is from SF's Peach Sake line which is fabulous for oily skin. Sake is astringent but peach is nourishing and rehydrating. I use this on my face, neck, and chest to control oil production. Super matte! Momo Puri Peach Moist Barrier - another peach line that's amazing, with peach ceramides and probiotics to restore the barrier. BCL has a few different kinds of this toner for your needs. I go with this regular light version but they have a milky version if you're on the dry side. Naturalism by Baeville Turmeric & Honey Glow Toner - Another great Etsy find. Turmeric is great to even out skin tone, but this one also has a lot of other great ingredients for acne prone skin such as witch hazel, rose water, aloe vera, rosemary, chamomile, tea tree, green tea, and more. Another one I love to use on my face, neck, and chest. COSRX Full Fit Propolis Synergy Toner - My current evening toner. Not only anti-inflammatory and anti-bacterial for acne, but very soothing and moisturizing for glowing skin. ⊹₊┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ✿ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈₊⊹ 4. Serums/essences/emulsions - I typically use different serums for morning and evening, rotating them as well or switching it up as needed. This is just what works for me. Some people prefer retinol only at night, for example. So listen to your skin and find what works. a. Morning Serums

SKINFOOD Black Sugar Serum - This one has been highly rated for years for sebum (oil) control, so when I had the extra money to get it, I was so excited. It's really nice, both hydrating but also helps to control oil. Definitely keeping my skin clear. SANA Nameraka Honpo Isoflavone Essence - Sana's Isoflavone products have been a staple of my skincare for over a decade. They have soy and arbutin which is great for collagen production and brightening hyperpigmentation. I've used their cleansers, toners, masks, moisturizers, eye creams, and spot treatments. They never disappoint! And they even have so many lines depending on your needs, such as CoQ10, acne control with extra arbutin, and more. This particular essence is one of their basic products, I use it mostly to keep my skin tone even. It's also super soft and moisturizing. Definitely something I use a lot in the winter. SKINFOOD Peach Sake Pore Serum - More Peach Sake because it's so good. This serum is so softening and helps the skin stay matte. CeraVe Resurfacing Retinol Serum - An amazing must-have retinol serum to fade acne marks. It's also brightening and uses ceramides to maintain the skin barrier. Retinol can be a lot on the skin, so I only use it every other day. If you're new to this ingredient, definitely start slow and see how you do. Retinol can cause peeling if you go too hard. Always, and I mean always, wear a good sunscreen if you leave the house on retinol days. b. Evening Serums

Hada Labo Shirojyun Premium Whitening Emulsion - This brand has been getting popular online. I don't usually use emulsions but this one is highly rated for fading post-acne hyperpigmentation and sun damage. It has vitamin E, C, hyaluronic acid to moisturize and nourish. Glycyrrhizic acid (from licorice) is also anti-inflammatory so it seems to even help prevent acne. It's very light too, so I haven't felt like it was too heavy for my oily T skin. This stuff works so well! One day I'll try their other products. COSRX Advanced Snail 96 Mucin Power Essence - I've used products with a little snail mucin before and they were nice, but this is the real deal. My friend let me try it at the bath house one night and I was hooked. Snail mucin is intensely hydrating, healing, softening, and calming. It works great with harsher serums such as vit C or retinol. Perfect for barrier-rebuilding. This is great for any skin type, so I've been able to use it no matter what condition my skin is in. This is something I will be buying probably forever, it's really effective and feels great. They also have creams and other snail mucin products, I can't wait to try! Dear Klairs Rich Moist Soothing Serum - I've used this serum probably 8 years by now. Also super soothing and hydrating while not being heavy. This one is great if you're having a sensitive skin day or spent time in the sun. There's also a moisturizer in this line which is really great. Beauty of Joseon Glow Serum - Another new try for me this year. Propolis and niacinamide are great for inflammation, controlling oil, and treating hyperpigmentation. The reviews for this one said it was great for preventing acne and also healing it. It really does give the skin a lovely glow and it's gentle enough to use on sensitive days. (This brand also has a retinol + ginseng eye serum and it's seriously the best eye care I've ever used. Revives my tired spoonie eyes well.)

Fourth Ray All Clear Purifying Serum - A very potent acne clearing serum. Salicylic acid is usually my go-to for an active break-out. Also has tranexamic acid for those pesky post-acne marks. It's supposed to be gentle enough for daily use but I'm extra sensitive so I only use it as-needed, a few times a week usually. Momo Puri Booster Serum - This serum is so powerful that I save it for skin emergencies or special occasions. Seriously intensely healing, and so thick that each little "peach" pack lasts me two uses. ⊹₊┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ✿ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈₊⊹ 5. Moisturizers - I rotate moisturizers a lot, so my line up typically changes year to year. But I usually use gels more than creams (or mixed gel-cream types) because they don't clog my pores.

a. Morning moisturizers SKINFOOD Peach Jelly - For a while I was using pure aloe vera gel as a morning moisturizer, which works great. When I saw SKINFOOD had a peach version, I immediately got it since I'm super into peach skincare lately. It's just really great for repairing the skin barrier and retaining moisture. This one might be a limited edition though, it seems to run out fast. They have a plain aloe version too. Another brand I'd recommend for super sensitive skin is Aloderma, they have a ton of great aloe products. Sana Honey Shca All in One Gel - I've used this product for almost a decade. It's really gentle and soothing while technically covering all your bases: toner, serum, cream and mask. So this is good if you're in a hurry in the mornings. Lately it's been running out of stock online but I always see it at Tokyo Central/Marukai Market. b. Evening moisturizers Momo Puri Sleeping Jelly Cool - A cooling sleep-mask version of their gel that really helps calm inflammation overnight. Feels great in the summer. Can sometimes be hard to find, but I also recommend their gel cream. Fourth Ray After Hours Detox Face Oil - Aa powerful oil for treating acne during sleep. Bamboo charcoal, salicylic acid, tea tree, watermelon seed all help to unclog pores and keep bacteria from causing trouble. This stuff packs a punch. Sunday Riley U.F.O. acne treatment oil - This one's more on the expensive side with the smaller size being $40 so I haven't bought it in a while, but I wanted to include it because it's really good. 1.5% salicylic acid, tea tree, black cumin to clear skin, licorice for hyperpigmentation. To prevent drying it also has cucumber seed and there's chamomile to soothe inflammation. ⊹₊┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ✿ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈₊⊹ 6. Body acne care - Body acne has been a recurring struggle since I was a teenager. Sometimes I'll go long stretches without it but then once summer or a bad PMS time hits, I break out on my chest, neck, back. T has definitely made it harder for me to manage at times, but here's what I use.

Dove Acne Clear body wash - A solid salicylic acid and bamboo extract wash for body acne. Amazon Basics Clarifying Grapefruit body wash - also with SA. DemiDoeNaturals Turmeric Carrot Honey soap - Excellent soap for fading acne marks. My skin turns very red when I break out and the marks take a long time to fade, so ingredients like turmeric and carrot are just what I need to heal.

To reach my back and exfoliate, I use the brush with the long handle. The smaller brush is used on my chest and neck. I got the big one at the 99c store and the smaller one is from a boar hair dry brushing kit. AcneFree SA body spray - body sprays are really useful! This one works really well. I did have some trouble with the actual spraying sometimes because of my weak grip. This one's a little more expensive, around $20, but it lasted me a long time. It dries nice and quick too. Nature's Cure body spray - Another good spray, easier to use. Trader Joe's Tea Tree Oil - Any tea tree oil will do but I've used TJ's since I was a teenager. I add it to other oils for scalp treatments or spot treatments on my body/face. Make sure you dilute it, it's very strong. ⊹₊┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ✿ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈₊⊹

7. Extra things that can help - These are things you don't necessarily need, but have been worth the investment for me. Face powder - A small compact translucent powder can make a huge difference, especially during the hot weather. I've recently started using Skin Food's Peach Cotton Pore Blur Pact, a sebum-controlling powder. It's very silky and gentle, with a mild peach scent. Keeps my face nice and matte without drying out. On especially oily T days, I reapply it once or twice. Ice Globes - Very cooling and soothing, helps with inflammation. Also great in general for headaches, chronic pain, etc. Glass ice globes are popular because they're pretty, but they can break easily. I'm clumsy and didn't want to take that chance, so I use stainless steel. I keep mine in the freezer and use as needed. If you're sensitive, maybe start out just keeping them in the fridge, because the cold can be intense. Gua sha - This has gotten popular in the past few years, love to see it. I mostly use gua sha on my body for circulation and pain management. But facial gua sha can be really helpful in keeping the skin clear. I wouldn't use it on an aggressive active break-out, but it's great for prevention. The roller kind is good for gentle use and the flat kinds are good for when you need to get some deeper work. Red light therapy - This has been a big one for me. I initially got a red light panel (with red light and near-infrared light for deeper penetration into organs and bones) to help manage chronic pain (osteoarthritis, endometriosis, ulcerative colitis, kidney issues, etc), but the first thing I noticed was how well it worked for my skin. Just 5 minutes a day on my face keeps me really clear, heals inflammation super fast and also boosts collagen production. I have a Hooga which I find simple and effective. I don't hang it, but simply prop it on the floor while I do yoga. If I need to concentrate on my back for an acne or pain flare, I just lie on my side and rest while basking for about 10-15 mins. Chlorophyll - I've been taking this in liquid form for over a decade. Initially it was for anemia and to help my colitis, but it does seem to make a big difference in my skin's condition when used consistently. Mulberry silk pillowcase - Even washing my old pillowcase regularly, I felt like it was time for an upgrade that would be even better at keeping my skin fresh. This one is a little pricey, but it's already made a big difference. Plus it's so cool and comfortable. Mine is by Alaska Bear. Clean your phone! - This one can be hard to remember since I don't talk on my phone all that much. But our phones are nasty, seriously. That can transfer to our face and cause problems. So I try to keep electronic cleansing wipes near my desk as a reminder to wipe my devices down every now and then. ⊹₊┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ✿ㆍ┈ㆍ┈ㆍ┈₊⊹ 8. Example routines - Just some examples of what my line up might look like. a. Example morning routine: Let's say I'm not breaking out yet, but maybe just a little, so I want to try a preventative approach. I might cleanse with the Detox Wipes and micellar water, use the Peach Sake toner to keep my skin from being too oily, then retinol serum to help with cell turnover. To give my skin some nourishment, then I'd use the Sana Soy Isoflavone essence and top off with Sana's Honey all in one gel. b. Example evening routine: Later, I'm still trying a preventative approach but my skin needs some soothing. So I might wash first with the tea tree oil cleanser, then scrub with Dark Angels and leave it on for a few minutes like a mini-mask. Synergy propolis toner and snail mucin to soothe and keep my barrier strong. Then Hada Labo emulsion to bring down inflammation, and the Detox Oil to keep the break-out at bay. I hope this was helpful. I may add haircare and other things to this since T definitely affects my scalp too.

[symphonic-scream]

🫂

Hm

Here's some Queers stuff

Specifically, Makoto and Haru, trying to have a kid

So science? Out the window. Keep that in mind

Makoto: hey, Tae. Can I ask you a question, as my doctor?

Tae: sure Sprout, what's up?

Makoto: and you can't tell Sae

Tae: confidentiality, 100%

Makoto: is there anyway that, at this stage, we could do something to get a useable, sample?

Tae: what

Makoto: Haru wants a baby. She admitted while a little drunk on our wedding night she wanted it to be ours. I, haven't told her I heard her. I just, want to know if, I can still give this to her

Tae: ...I'll talk around, get some ideas. I'll do my best, Sprout. The two of you deserve a shot

Makoto gets a call a month later. Tae has a fertility doctor there (in casual clothes), and he lays out his plan with her. They'd half her Estrogen for a bit, and give her another hormone as well. It's technically a female hormone too, but. In a male body, it produces more little swimmers

Makoto: ...I want to try it

Tae: great. And this one is a pill this time

Makoto: oh thank god

Another month later, Tae and the dude check in. He thinks he can work with this, and tells her to let Haru in on it

Haru sobs into her wife's shoulder. There was a chance? And Makoto, was willing to do something like that for her? It meant the world

Haru: what about you? Your shots...

Makoto: I've felt fine so far. I've never been like, horribly dysphoric. My voice won't just drop drastically, and it's only halving it. I'm fine love, especially if I can make you happy

Two and a half years of monthly visits. Two and a half years of monthly results, being told they need to try again. Over and over, heads leaned together quietly in the car, parked. In their own lot. Not going up to their home yet

Then, late May, right after Hifumi moved in, Tae laughs triumphantly from the other room. Makoto watches as her and her doctor friend hug in celebration through the door, before coming to tell them the good news

Tae: Haru, your counts are consistent with early pregnancy. We can't guarantee it'll stick at this stage, so i want you to relax, take it easy, let your body use it's energy to get that little one to a stable stage

Other doctor: next month? We should be able to do a little ultrasound, look at your baby. Congratulations you two, looks like all our hard work has paid off

Haru's sobbing on the little cot, and Makoto is crying, hugging her all happy.

Haru: we did it,,, Mako, we're gonna have a baby!

Makoto: I've never been so happy in my whole life,,

Tae: neither of you should take the train, I'll give you a ride back to Kichijoji. I'll leave you with a good vitamin for Haru to take every morning with breakfast, to make sure we're doing everything for this to stick

Makoto begins her routine of sitting on Haru's legs are she reads a bit before bed, her (borrowed from Makoto) shirt rolled up to reveal her belly

"Hey squirt, this is your mom. The other one, since Haru's got you in there." Traces the bit of pudge Haru has, adoration in her eyes. "I can't wait to meet you, little miracle. Neither can your mama, but she gets to have you now. I can wait while you two bond"

Haru: Mako, Tae said it might not fully take,

Makoto: I, working towards a psych doctorate-

Haru: you're on a years break from your studies

Makoto: not important. I believe, they'll have a better chance if I show em a little love. Your love is what gets me through the day, so

Once they get that confirmation that baby looks like it'll make it, Makoto is asked if she wants to switch back to her regular doses

Makoto: ...if we decide to try for another, would I just have to go through this again? Or would staying on this course be better?

Haru: Makoto-

Tae: honestly? Stay like this for now. As long as you still feel fine, this is safer in that regard. It took so long for this one to go through, there's no guarantee it'll happen again if you stop

Haru: no, she's going back-

Makoto: so you only want one?

Haru:

Makoto: I'll stay on this course. The second I feel bad, I'll go back. I promise. But I don't wanna be the reason we can't have anothrr

Haru, staring at her wife without her shirt, humming and swaying while cradling their son to her chest, a look of complete adoration on her face: oh, we are so having at least another baby

[on-my-way-to-the-woods]

I know it's been said before, but I'm gonna say it again anyway, I think a lot of the anti-vax/alt-med/etc. sentiment comes from the fact that a lot of medical professionals just don't talk with you.

The allergist I saw changed the Pulmonary Function Test (PFT) I had scheduled through my primary doctor to one with a methacholine challenge. He briefly explained it, and I am familiar with what it is so maybe he would have done a better job if I had seemed confused, but while I did consent to the change I did not feel like I was part of the decision making process - does that make sense? Part of making a decision involves risk assessment and I was entirely left out of the risk assessment portion.

In general terms, a PFT measures your breathing and a PFT with methacholine measures your breathing in several rounds as you inhale more and more of an irritant that causes your airways to constrict. This is not without it's risks! Even in a healthy person, methacholine at high enough doses will cause constriction. If you are sensitive to irritants (like someone with asthma might be), then you will react to a much lower concentration. Particularly adverse reactions are possible, precautions are taken against them and the facility should have a response plan for if they occur, but they are still possible. Exposure to irritants can and does cause flares (all of my problems started because of a new air freshener in a gas station bathroom back in May). To say nothing of the fact that the test itself can be downright unpleasant.

My current field is deeply steeped in science, I have a degree in a STEM field, and I am comfortable finding and reading scientific papers. I've gone and looked for myself, I know it is rare to have bad or lingering side effects, but what if I didn't have those skills and resources? If you go check reddit, probably greater than half the stories are about how bad it was. Some people are going to hit those unlucky odds and those people will have much more memorable stories than those who it went fine for. It looks so easy to slide into a path from 'oh, I didn't know that! Why did no one tell me that?' into communities of people who genuinely had bad things happen to them and from there into tighter and tighter communities that trend towards stories from a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend horror stories and/or conspiracy theories.

I would feel so much more relieved if I'd just have gotten to have a conversation with someone about it beforehand. I obviously do not have the experience he does, but my experiences say that 4 months ago I was exposed to an unexpected irritant and I have been progressively losing my ability to do anything outside of my home ever since and exactly 0 doctors have ever sent my partner to go get a methacholine challenge despite her bad breathing problems because they don't think it is necessary.

Is it wise to do this while I'm in a flare up of some sort? Does he think it's unlikely that I will respond to the chemical (and is thus using it to help rule out asthma)? Are there alternatives he'd accept? Is this just the fastest way to get me off his plate and declare it to be someone else's problem? I don't know, we didn't have a conversation about it.

[horror-homosexual]

Okay I was gonna post this anyways but the server I'm in talked about it a little so I'm gonna post what I wrote over there on here and elaborate a bit.

I saw a theory/kind of joke thing a few days ago about how Herbert West may have died at the end of the first Re-animator movie but was brought back to life. In a scene in the extended cut of the movie, we see Herbert injecting the reagent into himself (it's diluted and it's 5cc's (that is, not a lot) but still, it's reagent) to keep himself awake and on top of shit. The theory revolves around the fact that Herbert's "habit" revived him after his death to Hill's intestines at the end of the movie. Here's exactly what I sent to the Discord server:

"Like. Listen. If it's true that Herbert did technically die at the end of the first movie but his constantly injecting himself with reagent brought him back, I think it would be kind of fascinating because 1. It means that not only is Herbert correct and successful in his experiments, 2. It means that there is a way of doing it so that the reanimated subject *doesn't even realize they're dead to begin with*

Herbert mentioned in the novel that he was intending on giving this serum out after perfecting it (specifically to "brilliant minds" like doctors and stuff), I think it'd be kind of interesting to see him realize that they'd technically have to get addicted to reagent the way he was to even have a chance of their immortality being possible because I think it was a multitude of factors that saved him and kept him, like, more "human" so to speak than their many, many cadavers (specifically that he was likely reanimated the *second* he died due to all the reagent already in his system and that Herbert's death was probably relatively fast (he was getting dragged by his throat by intestines, I hope for his sake that it *was* fast))."

And now I'm gonna elaborate.

I think it's both amazing and hilarious that, if the theory is correct, Herbert got it fully right completely by accident and doesn't even know it.

Like he spends all three of those movies trying to figure out how to re-animate someone so perfectly that they retain their humanity and conscious thought without knowing that he himself is the one and only success story that came about from his experimentation. That is irony in its purist form and I love it.

And now for the "factors" I mentioned. I touched on it a bit in the original message I sent but the success of his re-animation I think rested in a few things.

1. Herbert's death was (probably?) fast. He was in the thick of that chemical shit with slimy intestines all around his mouth and nose, to reiterate what I mentioned in the message I hope it was fast. Part of the reason (I think) Herbert's other experiments failed was because most of the re-animated subjects he used didn't die fast, and in the case of the cop in Bride, he was revived like three minutes after Herbert killed him, which brings me to

2. The fact that Herbert was revived likely the moment he died. This is what most of the theory rests on. Every other instant we see Herbert giving some poor corpse the reagent, it takes him a few seconds to get it out of the bottle and into the subject (which is what we learn from Herbert in the first movie: "Every moment we waste... costs us results."). Herbert was successful in being re-animated because he already had the reagent in his system. We don't know for sure how long Herbert's been giving himself these doses but given his utter desperation in the scene (and his seeming knowledge of how much he needs and what goes into the solution) I'm gonna guess he's been taking it for a while. He likely had a shit ton of reagent in his system, so it's fully plausible to assume that he was re-animated mere moments after his initial death. He didn't need the electricity or whatever the hell he comes up with in Beyond to keep himself human because his brain and body didn't have the time to register it was dead.

So yeah, that's my rant on Herbert West, successful re-animation.

[bioethicists]

hi! just saw your post asking for advice, and while hopefully there's someone who can give more concrete advice than mine, i have experience with what you're talking about.

i have either gastroparesis or cyclical vomiting and it's tied into my dysautonomia, which skews my advice. but other than zofran my best practical tips are 1) avoiding heat and humidity at all costs (when i'm feeling sick my first lines of defense are ice packs to the back and scalp, cool water to sip, fans and excessive ac.) 2) humming and singing as loud as possible. it doesn't prevent much for me but it does seem to stabilize, i think it calms the vagus nerve? 3) other things that make my gi system relax are using a tens unit on my lower back and doing extremely gentle core exercises. i have a back injury so this is me anecdotally saying my pt for that helped my gastric emptying lol. 4) the most effective thing is definitely a long shot, but if you have access to supplementary oxygen, going on my oxygen machine for 15-30 min after eating keeps my stomach from spasming. it's "experimental" but it works. i know some places sell cans of oxygen for runners now and it may not work the same at those doses but it could be worth a shot if you're experimenting. some people recommend diaphragmatic breathing which could be worth something, i just hate it personally.

btw, it may be too late to get it anyway, but i've heard that some gi's that are stingy with zofran will prescribe the scopolamine patch. other than that benedryl tends to take the edge off for me- at the very least it lowers my throat inflammation a bit which helps, and it lets me sleep. i also chew on rock salt, which is likely not an option, but salt tablets might be, or something like pedialyte. ginger and mint are obvious but they help me a lot. ime they're most effective for preventing esophageal spasming from heavy burns, and i've definitely survived off the sugar in candied ginger before, yikes. id be careful of ginger fibers but mint tea is ideal.

i did throw up post wisdom teeth surgery several times. i got dry socket but it was most likely unrelated. either way i would majorly advise irrigating the areas as much as or more than recommended and doing a full rinse of the whole mouth and all the healing areas post vomit, as well as a sinus rinse if that's allowed and something you can manage, as i've found that minimizing burns in the area reduces sinus infection risk. i also always keep at least 1000mg of mint tums on me and take them right before i throw up, and id recommend that too, to neutralize as much of the acid as possible before it hits the mouth.

anyway best of luck to you. i don't have a magic bullet but if i figure if i throw enough stuff at you, even if you already know most of it, maybe something will be helpful. also happy to come off anon.

thank u so much this is so thorough!!! the worst of the wisdom tooth nausea has passed but i am perpetually nauseated for some reason or another so this will definitely be helpful. i don't see a GI doctor partly bcuz i have no insurance + partly bcuz my stomach problems are caused by my eating disorder so i feel too embarrassed/afraid to talk to anyone about it, especially since i feel like most of them would be like "wtf do you want me to do about this???"

[icepixie]

I love it when medical types treat the chart--or even the guidelines from some professional organization--instead of the person sitting in front of them.

My gyn retired this year, so I got assigned to a new one. Who promptly took me off the low-dose birth control I've been on for almost 10 years post-hysterectomy to control the bits of endometriosis still littering my abdomen. This is because I'm 40 and have (controlled!) high blood pressure. Apparently. Probably the "migraine" diagnosis that's going to follow me around forever despite not being true, never having been true, the problem was an infected tooth that presented weirdly doesn't help.

I get the existence of the guidelines (albeit they were devised before low-dose estrogen pills, which seem to have way fewer risks, but whatever). I do not get the unilateral application to me despite my earlier gyn's prescribing them, the decade of history that I do well on them, and that knowledge that progestin-only pills, which were the only other alternative offered, were a complete disaster.

(I took them in an effort to not get labeled uncooperative, but I've had them twice before and each time it not only didn't reduce pain, it made it happen twice as often.)*

The constant repetition of "But a hysterectomy always cures endometriosis!" was obnoxious too, because NO THE FUCK IT DOESN'T, READ SOME PAPERS, and it definitely didn't for me. Is that week of the month better without That Uterus Bitch and The Evil Ovary? Sure. Doesn't mean it's pain free. Also, a delay in filling my bc prescription earlier this year made my arthritis flare, so that may or may not now be a monthly (or every-two-weekly, on the minipill) thing. I wonder how the low-dose combined pill compares to a week of steroids every month for...every health measure out there? Favorably, I'd imagine. Maybe I can get my rheumatologist to weigh in on this.

Anyway, I'm obviously never going back to this person, but I'm not looking forward to auditioning gyns until I find someone who can do more complex risk/benefit assessment than "guidelines say bad." I guess I'll give the minipill a month to "work," because you gotta put up a facade of pretending you don't know more about this extremely specific issue than the doc. I'm debating whether to actually take it or just say I did, since, you know, it makes things worse than doing nothing.

Tangentially, if we could have these doctor-patient talks BEFORE I have to take all of my clothes off and sit there holding a gaping gown closed, that would be awesome.

I'm just so tired of things in my body breaking. (Or, in this case, not breaking, just having the tool that keeps it from breaking taken away.) Also, I can't help wondering how godawful menopause "treatment" is going to be, whenever that happens.

* Almost forgot, Lupron was mentioned as an alternative, and FUCK, no. My last boss was a gyn and when it was being bandied about for my endo before the hysterectomy she told me point blank to never go on it. Brain damage is a side effect I'd like to avoid, thanks.

[alissonbear-ker]

Virgson ABO Universe Part 3

I'm on a roll! More Virgson headcanons from my ABO universe before I head out of town this weekend. Would love to write it all down as an actual fanfic soon but don't have the time now.

Before Virg can put his big wooing plans into action, disaster strikes. Someone gets into Ali’s stash of heat suppressants and replaces them with placebos during the international games. Ali knows something is up the moment he takes them but forces himself to play the last game against Argentina anyway. There is no way he can get his heavy duty doctor-prescribed heat suppressants until he’s back in Liverpool and although the other Brazilian players know of and are horrified by the situation, there is nothing anyone can do. Ali barely manages to play the full 90 minutes of the Argentina game and take the flight back home.

The combination of jetlag and struggling with the onset of his first natural heat after years of suppressants absolutely wrecks Ali. The club doctors do their best but Ali is still weak, exhausted and disoriented, with a tough fixture at Etihad that he cannot be absent for. In the end, the game is a 1-1 draw and the media and fans alike are brutal in their castigation of Ali for a high-profile distribution error.

Virg is furious and heartbroken and doesn’t know how to make things better. He wishes he had came to term with his feelings earlier. Virg knows he would have been able to protect the omega as his mated alpha and since Ali could be weaned off his pills with an alpha in his life, he wouldn’t have been vulnerable to foul play from crazy rival fans.

Although official club news attributes Ali’s absence for the next few weeks to an injury, the truth is that Ali also desperately needs rest after the trauma of skipping his heat suppressants, going through part of his natural heat unplanned, and suppressing said natural heat with a massive dose of hormone pills. He spends most of his time in bed with the doctors fussing over him.

Jurgen, Mo, Trent and Robbo take turns to visit and attempt to cheer him up. Darwin tries to smuggle in some barbecue for the omega, and is promptly discovered and kicked out by the nurse. Jurgen would have brought Ali some beer, but changes his mind after seeing Darwin getting a loud dressing down from the very tiny, very irate nurse.

The biggest surprise was Virg. Ali and Virg are close, but Ali is still taken aback when the alpha promptly sets up a mattress and blanket beside Ali’s bed the first night Ali was sent to the infirmary, and settles in there as though he has no intention of leaving. Ali tries to tell Virg that it may not be the best idea for an alpha and omega, both unmated, to be seen spending the night together alone. Virg replies that he can marry Ali then. His face is so serious that Ali actually isn’t sure if he is joking.

Their first night together is quite pleasant. Ali has always enjoyed Virg’s scent. Virg’s scent is overpowering even for an alpha, but Ali finds it comforting, although he would never tell Virg that. He wishes he could somehow get Virg to get into bed with him for a cuddle, then he could really bury his nose into the alpha's neck for a good big whiff of that wonderful scent. Ali obviously keeps that thought to himself because he doesn’t want to make things awkward.

Virg keeps stealing looks at Ali when he thinks the omega isn’t looking. Ali’s sudden crisis really put a dampener into his plans to confess his feelings. Virg supposes they could still talk about it now, but Ali is so vulnerable right now. He doesn’t want Ali to agree to a relationship just because he’s feeling sad and lonely.

Against his better judgement, Virg steals a kiss later that night, when he’s sure Ali has fallen asleep. It’s probably not a very gentlemanly thing to do but Ali looks so sweet with his messy hair and that peaceful look on his face. Ali’s lips are a little chapped and his beard is very soft.

Ali is just about to doze off when he feels Virg get up and move towards him. He instinctively freezes when he feels a pair of lips against his. Virg smells even better up close. Ali would have opened his eyes and done something – anything – but he’s so shocked that he gives zero reaction. Before he knows it, the moment is over, and Virg has shuffled back to bed.

Well, Ali is definitely not getting any sleep now.

[slim-dickens]

My First Endocrinologist Appointment

Note: This was written on 6/20/24

Today I went in for my first endocrinologist appointment with the goal of getting on testosterone. I'm a 25 year old transmasculine individual living in Florida. My name is Ian. I've known about myself for ten years, been open and out for eight, and am just now getting to medically transitioning. 

    I arrived early for the appointment for check-in. Everyone I talked to was friendly, thankfully.

    I anticipated the appointment would go something like this; We'd meet, check me out, go over what'll happen as I take T, I'll give them my therapists letter of recommendation, they'll take blood, and then write me a prescription for testosterone. 

Not quite how it went, but it didn't go badly.

    I at least knew it was a long shot to get my first dose the day I was there. My doctor (Who, for privacy, will not be named) explained that we need to know my baselines for different shit in my blood before testosterone. That way if anything fucky happens we can catch it. I already knew this was a thing, hence me expecting the bloodwork being done on site. 

I'm getting a little ahead of myself. So. The appointment started with my doc sitting next to me asking me questions about my life. No idea why any of it was relevant, maybe to make sure I had a stable life situation? 

    During the questions I gave him my letter of recommendation from my therapist. We spoke about my mental health and it appears I also need a letter of recommendation from my psychiatrist, which I had not thought to get. After we squared that information away he gave me a checkup- nothing special- did do a swallow test of some kind though. My guess is he was checking out my thyroid. All went well, and we proceeded to sit and go over the fun stuff- Testosterone! 

    Now I'm not a medical professional so I have a very simple understanding of how all this works. Through bloodwork my doctor will monitor the shtuff in my blood that we need to pay attention to. Our plan once I get my other letter of recommendation is to get that blood work done, meet up again, and if all is clear we may be able to start me on subcutaneous injections. They're going to start me on low, more frequent doses and work me up until my testosterone levels are at 300 ng/dL.

    Also y'all should now I hate needles. Specifically the ones used to inject; tattoo needles are fine. I'm not entirely pleased that I'm getting injections, but I do want the speed of results associated with injections as opposed to patches or gel. Anyhow, I'm just happy they're subcutaneous and not intramuscular. And I'm sure it'll get easier as I have the shots done. I didn't mention this but he said they'll teach my partner how to do the shots, so that means I don't have to do them to myself! Fuck yeah!

    Along with talking about T we briefly went over everything to expect from T. Body hair, acne, thickening skin- one thing though, I'm kinda surprised he didn't mention bottom growth at all? It seemed like something, from doing my own research, that's fairly common- expected, even? Anyways. 

    After we spoke about the T plan and T changes to expect, the appointment was officially over. It felt like it had zipped by. 

And yeah, that was it. 75 days of waiting for this appointment and now it's over and I get to take the next steps. Wish me luck!

------

In future posts I'll go over how I found my endocrinologist, how I got my letter(s) of recommendation, and more stuff related to being trans. Bye for now.

[vergess]

this is a personal af question that you do not need to answer publicly or at all esp. bc its for fanficish writing purposes but anyway so like how DO you, personally at least, deal with episodes of psychosis? because google tells me that the go to needs to be antipsychotics but 1. the context is a character who does not have regular access to them anyway 2. every one i have looked at has GOD AWFUL PERMANENT SIDE EFFECTS that seem to be almost guaranteed to happen? and my doctor oc would not subject that to anybody. the usual psychosis symptoms i write in my current rps are post-ictal and postpartum psychosis specifically because getting information about that from people who actually HAVE THE CONDITIONS is easy, and there seem to be other methods of dealing with them without antipsychotics (plus, you know, magic dnd for one, and pokemon psychic bs for the other) but finding information on how people with other forms of psychosis (in this case, schizotypal ftr) deal with it from their own perspective is almost impossible? it's ALL ableist bullshit from doctors which is why i am hesitant to trust the idea of "antipsychotics are the only way" :/ even reddit is not helpful here lol and i want to get this right? i know it's just tumblr rp/ao3 fanfic/discord rp that nobody important will read but me and my friends are trying to NOT be ableist shitbags on purpose you know?

Boy I really just don't answer tough asks over the winter months, huh.

I started keeping a closer eye on how media that I otherwise recommend depicts psychosis since getting this ask, and I'm disappointed to announce that over the last two months only two (2) pieces of media have been Normal About Psychosis.

So, the first thing to remember when writing a Psycho is: WE ARE WHOLE ASS ADULTS WITH ADULT BRAINS OKAY, we're not small children lost in a fantasy. We're not violent monsters out for blood. We are people who sometimes see, hear, etc things that aren't really there.

Writing a psychotic character competently isn't about curing them, or even about reducing their symptoms. It's about showing how they cope with those symptoms while carrying on with their daily lives.

I'm currently on the lowest possible dose of antipsychotic right now, and I will say two things about that. 1) the meds make reality checks and other coping skills MUCH more effective. 2) Even at a low dose, abstract and creative thinking are hindered. I don't feel hindered; but I have a 24 year long writing portfolio that says I sure as shit am hindered.

Whether a character will benefit from going on meds is going to be a balancing act. But since you aren't actually looking for meds advice, lets talk about those Other Coping Skills.

Broadly, I would split my skills into three categories: stuff for hallucinations, stuff for delusions, and stuff for dissociation.

So, first off, reality checking is my #1 go to for hallucinations.

You pick this skill up pretty quickly as a kid; everyone does. The difference being that where a non-psychotic person eventually gets to stop relying on others to tell them what is real, we get to keep on asking forever.

It's actually super exhausting to be in a crowded space because most of the nonverbal cues you come to rely on (eg, no one else flinched so that noise probably wasn't real) become INSTANTLY useless. Every noise, movement etc may of may not be real, and your only option is to either gauge other people's lack of reaction, or ask someone you trust for a reality check.

Sounds like an easy way for an abusive shit to control your entire life with no effort? It is!!

THAT'S WHY PSYCHOTIC PEOPLE ARE WAY MORE LIKELY TO BE ABUSED THAN THE GENERAL POPULATION.

Once you know if something is real or not, you can decide to ignore it. Like ignoring anything obtrusive, this is easier if you are in a good mood, physically comfortable, etc. An absurd amount of "coping with psychosis" is just constantly monitoring yourself and others to make sure you are reacting to the right things at the right volume.

Ignoring something that your brain insists is real and a threat is very tiring, so there's also a lot of sleeping.

Delusions are significantly harder to manage than hallucinations, IMO. Not just because, as a multiply marginalized person there are myriad ways that an ambiguous "them" is actually trying to ruin my life for real. Being on terror watchlists due to racism REALLY makes it IMPOSSIBLE to manage my paranoid delusions because some of the more insane shit is just real.

But there are other delusions that are easier to handle. Mostly, this comes down to self monitoring again. I can take an extra second to ask myself, "hang on, statistically speaking, how likely is it that this total stranger ACTUALLY wants to kill me?" The answer, of course, is "violent crime has been trending down for years, and everyone in this area thinks I'm white as long as I don't go outside during the summer, so I'm safe."

It's all about finding the information that helps keep you calm.

Because the absolute certainty that this is a murderer and you are walking into the slaughter will not go away. You just... take it on faith that this time will turn out as safely as the last 399 times.

It's just a shitload of observation, mimicry, and forcing myself to do things that feel dangerous by reminding myself that they aren't.

That shit sounds simple, but it's a CONSTANT fight; it never really gets easier, you just get used to it.

Which brings me back around to my meds again: I think I prefer it this way. My writing sucks, and I keep crying when I read it because it's wrong, it sounds like a field amputation. But god, I went to a cafe during the morning rush a few days ago, and the overload of noise and data only left me bedridden for ONE day. ONE!!! Not a WEEK!

Maybe losing my only art is okay in light of how much less bad things are.

Anyway, I can't remember the name of the 2014 short story about the One Person With Psychosis being wrongfully shunned by her colony because she doesn't feel affective empathy, in spite of her constant and perfectly reasoned moral code ensuring she is, if anything, the least dangerous person in town. I wish I could remember it!! It's a good example!!!

I haven't read it yet, but people I love and trust seem to generally agree that the psychosis in Harrow the Ninth is well written, too, so maybe check that out IDK

[inscrutable-shadow]

Whumptober 2023 Day 2 - Take Two and Call Me in the Morning

@whumptober-archive

No. 2: “I’ll call out your name, but you won’t call back.”

Thermometer | Delirium | “They don’t care about you.”

contains: swearing and a generally pissed-off pseudo-supervillain

also available on ao3!

“Are we done here?” I feel like shit. I don’t really want to sit here being poked and prodded for God knows how long.

“Doctor Discontent,” or Doc Disco as he’s more commonly called around here, spins around in the office chair. “Absolutely not. Hellraiser herself comes into my office complaining of a mysterious malady, and you expect me to send her home with two pills and a glass of water?”

I sigh. “Are you even a real doctor? I just wanted cold medicine or someshit.”

“Have you ever gotten a cold before?” I notice how he doesn’t answer whether or not he’s a real doctor.

“You mean… since the Nova? No. You said I’m too hot for it.” My natural body temperature’s pretty high now, usually somewhere around a hundred and six. Doc Disco says it’s a miracle my brain doesn’t fry, but it’s also a “miracle” that I can melt steel with my breath, so I don’t put a lot of stock in that.

He smiles mischievously and I recoil a bit, feeling like an experiment. “So, when you present with a cough and malaise, what I would usually consider a mundane rhinovirus and treat with rest, I’m duty-bound to investigate. Let’s start with your temperature, why don’t we? Won’t hurt a bit.”

Whether or not the thermometer’ll hurt is the least of my worries, but I don’t really have a choice if I want anything for this. I can’t keep coughing all the time, I haven’t been able to control the temperature at all and I’ve already melted a full set of tableware. I already spend most of my time on edge trying to make sure I don’t burn everything around me. I can’t fucking function like this. Plus, I’m tired and I can’t even smoke.

Doc puts the metal end of the thermometer in my mouth and I just try to concentrate on not coughing at it. I think he can tell I’m holding my breath. He raises an eyebrow but doesn’t say anything about it. Instead, he lets out a low whistle. “You haven’t been experiencing any muscle cramps or nausea by any chance?” I would shake my head no, but it makes my headache worse. “Pupillary response is normal, at least. Your internal temperature is one fourteen point six. Even for you, I’d consider that hyperpyrexia. And yet, you seem to be, well, not no worse for wear, but not seizing on my floor, at least.”

I blink at him. “And… that’s a good thing, right? That I’m not… seizing? Are you gonna help me or not?” I don’t really enjoy hearing that I should be dying.

“Of course I’ll help, but I need to identify the problem first.” He pulls one of those long cotton swabs out of a drawer and puts new gloves on. “We’ll do some cultures and I’ll put you on an antipyretic. How’s that sound?”

Uh, yeah, no. “If you stick that thing down my throat, I’m gonna cough on you.” I’m basically an oven right now: at best, it’ll blister, and at worst, I’ll set him on fire. Falcon’ll kill me if “Doctor Discontent” isn’t ready to fight “Fist of Justice” (yeah, I know) tomorrow night. Besides, as much as he weirds me out, he doesn’t really deserve a second-degree burn.

Doc frowns. “Ah. Well, could you try to hold it back?”

“Whatever happened to ‘germs can’t live in my body because it’s too hot’? It’s not like the Nova did anything to them. What’s the point in cultures?” I’m trying really hard not to cough anyway. It’s not going well.

He wags a finger. “Not true, actually. Several types of beneficial bacteria are perfectly comfortable in your usual body temperature range. Otherwise, we would have had to work out an alternate solution for your digestive health. It’s entirely possible that an extremophile version of a common rhinovirus or streptococci may have taken up residence in your mucosa! It’d be a delight to study it.” I hate it when he talks like that. “Here, why don’t you have a dose of core suppressant and we’ll try after that?”

Not gonna work. “I’ve been chugging the shit like water. Won’t bring my temp down even a little.” Most of the suppressant in the building probably goes to me for one reason or another. Perks of being Hellraiser, I guess.

Doc’s brow furrows again. “I think I’ve talked to you about the consequences of overconsumption. It’s possible you provided an opening for this to happen. If you need more than sixteen ounces in four hours, you need to report for a discharge or come see me, understand?”

“Whatever, doc. Let’s just get this over with.” Fuck me. I just want to go to bed. If Doc ever finds out how much suppressant I use, he’s gonna flip his shit.

I take a deep breath and open my mouth for the swab. Maybe if I just stay extra relaxed, I won’t cough. Maybe. I’ve never really had a reason to cultivate a poor gag reflex. My tongue has other uses, if you get what I mean. My throat tightens around the scratchiness of the cotton and it takes everything I have not to breathe in or out. Every second is hell, but eventually, the swab is pulled out. Doc has just enough time to get out of the blast radius before the explosion comes.

The choking, hacking coughs I’m about used to at this point. I didn’t mean to start super-heating anything else, though. I’m too busy worrying about trying to breathe again to care that jets of plasma aren’t just coming from my nose, but also circling my chest and legs just like they would if I were performing. I distantly hear “Fen, please!” (he never calls me that, nobody does except Portent, it’s always just ‘Hellraiser’) before, moments later, I’m drenched in fire extinguisher foam.

I wipe the soapy stuff out of my eyes. “Get what you wanted?”

“Uh, yes. I’ll… run these. That’s… I can see why you were concerned.”

Nobody in this place ever fucking listens to me. “Yeah. Hope I didn’t get you with any of that. Tried to control it, but you know how it is.”

Doc sets the fire extinguisher down on his desk and puts a hand on his hip. “No, I’m just fine. Can’t say the same for my examination bench.” Oof. Yeah, that shit’s melted. It’s gonna have my assprint in it forever now. Not even my clothes got spared, even though they’re special heat resistant fabric designed to withstand me. I actually like this hoodie, and now it’s full of holes. Shouldn’t have expected so much out of it, I guess. These aren’t my performance wear so they’re not rated for temperatures hot enough to warp steel.

“Fuck me. Guess that’s my collateral budget.”

Doc frowns and rummages in a cabinet for a minute before handing me a pill bottle. “Why don’t you take this cough suppressant while I figure out if it’s viral or bacterial? Prevent any more… incidents.” Fucking finally.

taglist: @athenswrites