#as someone who was closeted for years having a family member who tried to support me even before I came out was life changing | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

milslol · 1 year

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First Chapter of a book/project I'm writing :)

fair warning this is 3000+ words so it's kinda long but here's some bgm while you read :)

Chapter One: The Cabin in the Woods

I never really hated any of my family. To be honest, I never would have even left them if my parents were still alive. After the crash that took away my parents, I was moved into my grandparents’ house, and that’s where all the issue arose. I still adore my twin sister, and we worked on leaving our grandparents together. We always did everything together and she was in it for the long haul, supporting me through this.

I was fourteen when my parents died. Two years ago at this point. I wish there was some way I could have left my siblings better, ‘cause leaving them was the hardest part. I’ll never let go of the worries I have about Thistle, my youngest brother, who was sent to live with my aunts. I hope they’re taking their best care of him. He deserves it. My older sister, Scarlett, is doing fine, though. She goes to college at UMass and visits me when she can. We’ve gotten way closer than we ever were before our parents died. It’s nice having someone to talk to and relate to that isn’t across the country. Scar is studying to be a therapist and has really helped me get my mental health back up from the trenches it was in before.

And then there’s Jett. My identical twin sister and my favorite person on this earth. She didn’t have it nearly as bad with my grandparents as I did. Her fortune allowed her to move in a neighborhood nearby, just outside our family home in Orange, but god I miss her so much. She wanted –needed– to stay nearby. Finish highschool and get into a good school to help support me, and stay near Violett, our best friend. And although both of them insist they’re still just friends, I know what’s truly going on between them. I know how Violett flirts. I’ve seen it firsthand.

Violett, I should mention, has known me for what seems like my whole life. We met in kindergarten, before I was truly me, and instantly clicked. I’ll never be able to repay her for how much she helped me, but I’m glad she’s stayed with me. We even started a band together. She’s like another member of my family. Certainly more than what my grandparents were. Her undying support is more than I could ever ask for in a friend.

Leaving everyone was like dropping a friend you’ve known all your life. It wasn’t easy, and I knew it never would be, but it had to happen. God, I really do wish I could’ve stayed near my grandparents like Jett did. I could’ve lived with Violett and stayed close to everyone, but the thought of being near that part of my family stung all the more than the loss of face-to-face time with friends. Jett and I spent months in court and signing paperwork, but it was all worth it. Miraculously, some of my extended family was able to assist in the process, both financially and as testimonials, or even legal knowledge in some cases. Emancipation was a big thing and a lot of responsibility on me all at once, but I persevered. We started the process at only fourteen: the youngest age in the country you can do this sort of thing. I wasn’t quite ready to get into the process immediately, due to my unpreparedness. I didn’t think I’d ever have to go through something like this. That damned crash ruined more than just my parents’ lives. I started researching how to escape as much as I could as soon as I heard the news.

I knew relationships with Nana and Papi would never work out with me. The old ideas they insist are in the bible are cemented into their brains. Ideas against my and many others’ identities. I wasn’t going to change their minds, no matter how hard I tried. No matter how close the people they hated so passionately were to them. It’s crazy how people can be so angered by just a few colors. So ignorant to how the people closeted away from them truly felt. So I hid from them when I had to stay there. Jett and Vi were thankfully huge supporters, but it was still a terrible experience. They were my escape from the reality I was facing.

After months of contemplation, I finally set eyes on where I was going to move. Rural Vermont. I had worked at my parents’ place before they died, so jobs there weren't too hard to find. Before I left, I’d already secured a job at a pub in Celadon, the town I had decided on.

Once everything was all settled, I found a small place in that small town. It was a tight fit, but it did the trick. A two-bed, two-and-a-half-bath tiny little cabin down a long driveway in the woods. The cabin looked like it could burn down at any minute, but rent was damn cheap and the place certainly had some self-established character. It was worth it. Celadon was in the middle of nowhere and my house expressed that even more. The long, winding road and flickering orange street lamps that I’m ninety percent sure are still lit by lamplighters in the dark hours of the night made the whole town seem like the set of a horror movie. The powerlines fell so often that they were barely standing afoot any more and the trees, barren ever so much from the winter chill, solidified the spookiness of the town. But it was home. That’s all that truly mattered. Admittedly, the house was barely standing and the power rarely worked, but it was the perfect escape from the world. Even when laboring over the woodstove was the only way to reliably keep it warm. It was just what I wanted, even if I could never admit it to myself at the time. It was what I needed. No grandparents complaining about the state of the world. Just me. Miles and miles away from civilization. Or so I thought.

Two years had passed from when I started the process of emancipation until then, but it felt like a lifetime. By this point, I was already sixteen. Violett was left behind, only visiting when she was able (which was twice by this point, but she’d been planning a third behind my back), and she brought Jett along when she could. Jett always knew when something was wrong, even when we were away. Twin telepathy is real, I guess. I don’t think I’d still be here if it weren’t for Jett. She kept me straight through thick and thin, and I owe my life to her. Literally. She’s saved me time and time again, in more ways than one. I genuinely don’t think I’d be the same person without her.

~~~

A couple weeks after I arrived, I finally succumbed to the boredom and started to explore the area around me trying to find some interesting things built by previous tenants. During one particular expedition, I caught the slightest whiff of smoke. I was out all day, so the woodstove wasn’t running and, as far as I knew, my house was at a dead end, so the origin of this scent was truly a mystery. I was over a mile into the woods at this point, so my best guess was that a small forest fire had started. I’d been keeping track of the areas I’d explored with some chalk I had picked up at the local market. I struck another tree with the crumbling chalk, this one a pale pink color, and heard a burst –almost like that of an explosion– followed by another whiff of smoke, this one a bit stronger than before. I ran toward what I could only assume was the origin of the sound, marking every couple of trees with the pale chalk, dwindling in size, keeping track of just how far into the woods I’d become.

I eventually spotted a clearing, though I couldn't see a thing inside of it. As I inched closer, I took note of the surrounding area. Burned trees with dying embers softly glowed red where it appeared limbs had been cut off with some sort of hot blade. Well, that explained the scent. A hundred feet away, I’d caught a glimpse of what appeared to be an old cabin at the center of the clearing and I ventured closer, my mind wandering on the possibilities of what I just found. As I continued marking the trees, I ventured further and further into the dense forest. The cabin came into focus, and I had never been more confused. There was no driveway. No street. Just a house in the middle of the woods that I could only imagine wasn’t marked on any maps. The trees were far too dense for satellite coverage, even in the winter, so my mind jumped at the thought of my discovery. I might’ve been the first person to discover this place. The list of questions that I had is yet to end.

By this point, I’d pretty much reached the clearing. Taking care to stay hidden behind a bigger tree, I peered inside, at the cabin. Someone– no –something had walked out from behind the mysterious building. They looked inhuman. Their hair was a pale blue color, almost the same hue as the sky right now. Like the hair was mirroring the serenity of the clouded winter sky. This hair was straight and ended at the shoulders. Dark horns protruded from their forehead, a shape not dissimilar to those depicted on demons. Their ears were also something to marvel at. These ears looked almost elfish, but their height did not reflect this as they were standing at about eight feet. It was taller than anyone I’d ever seen. Their stature made them look like someone you’d expect to see in a children’s book, but there was one huge thing that stuck out: they wore nothing but a thin grey t-shirt and some ragged dark-colored pants, covered only by a worn panda onesie. The thing that stuck out the most, though, was the absence of shoes. This being was barefoot in the seventeen-degree weather, resisting the cold of the thin blanket of snow that had reached the surface. What had I found?

I wandered to a different tree to try to get a better angle; to see if I was just imagining their height or maybe even this entire thing. I needed a new perspective on the situation. Apparently, this idea wasn’t great for masking my presence. The creature had caught a glimpse of me, as they turned their head in my direction and I scurried to cover behind a different tree. They did a double take but gave up almost immediately. They must have thought they'd been seeing things, or at least that’s what I had hoped. Maybe they just assumed I was an animal. A deer, perhaps. Maybe a moose. I think we have those around here.

I had adjusted myself to try to peer around the tree without risk of getting spotted again, and I had just managed to catch the being put their hand out and a little orange flame burst out from their palm with a noise of a popping sound. The same one I’d heard earlier

“Well, there’s the source of the scent and the trees.” I muttered too loudly for my comfort. I rushed behind a new tree, trying for a better angle to see them without getting caught, hoping not to make any noise from the leaves crunching under my boots as I ran. Miraculously, I didn’t end up getting caught in the glimpse of the mysterious humanoid creature.

I’d made it as far as I had; what was the harm in running out and revealing myself? I wondered. No, I couldn't do that. That’d only be childish. I wanted to make a good impression, not embarrass myself first thing. I gave in and decided to head home so I could wait until I managed to think of a solid plan that made me seem mature.

~~~

A couple days had passed. I spent the time I wasn’t working thinking of a plan. A plan to talk to this new, mysterious being. I’m 5’7. Not the tallest grape in the bunch and this being towered over me and had fire powers. My best guess was that they’re a demon. What’s the other possibility? The horns, height, powers, even the ears, for fuck’s sake. It made sense. I had to make a good first impression so I wouldn’t get attacked. Or worse. I didn’t want to think about those possibilities.

The plan was simple. Or so I thought.

After a few days of contemplation, my plans were set. I was going to walk to their house and just– show up, say hi, just get right to it. Hope they’re outside, and if not, I’d wait around. Wander the surrounding area until they were. I felt knocking on their door would just be plain weird. Too blunt for my taste.

And so I did. I set off in the same direction as last time, following my fading pink chalk. It’s useful for more than just getting back, I had found out. I decided to add an extra line of chalk to each of the trees I passed, this time in a bright baby blue hue. I was about three quarters of the way there when I heard a rustling sound not fifteen feet away from where I was standing. I had seen a moose just a minute before, but it didn’t make the same sounds as I had just heard. These sounds sounded like those of a smaller creature. Not tiny like a hare or a possum, but like… medium sized. Almost human-sized. I looked around, but saw nothing immediately. I knew there had to be something. Someone. And I had my bets on who it was.

“Who goes there?” I yell out in the direction I’d last heard them in. “You can say hi; I promise I don’t bite,” I said, my voice cracking with nerves. More rustling followed this and the horns disappeared from the bush, followed by the snap of a branch. “I could see your horns. You can really use a better job at hiding next time, you know.” I called out. I wondered how they were able to fit in that bush, as it wasn’t super huge and definitely couldn’t fit someone as tall as the demon creature I’d seen just a few days before.

More leaves rustled. I turned my head and caught the smallest glimpse of the same dark red horns I’d previously seen. I assumed it was the demon creature. This simplified my plans.

“Hi. What… are you? Are you a human? I can’t be seen with you. I need to leave. Go away. My dad will send me back if he learns I was in contact with another human.” The being emerged, nervously backing away from me. They had the same face, the same horns, the same ears, even the same onesie as when I’d last seen them, but I couldn’t help but notice the fiery golden shade their hair had become. It was much longer too, braided in the back and around the horns. It was actually quite a pretty color, but I wondered how it changed so much. More notably, they were significantly shorter. They still towered over me, but now they were just over six feet. A height much less intimidating than the eight feet they were before.

“I’m a human, and best guess is that you aren’t. I’m not sure who your father is, and not sure if I’d want to know, but what I do know is that you seem more scared of me than I am of you. Honestly, I didn't think that was possible.” After I’d said that, I felt as if my words had come off meaner than they should have. They seemed almost passive-aggressive; maybe even insulting.

“Well. I guess you seem like a nice human,” A rush of relief was sent through my body. “I’m sure my parents will understand. This conversation is already long enough for them to be angry regardless. I’m Sap, by the way. Named for the yellow stuff from the trees, and as you probably had assumed, I’m a dæmon, but it seems like that hasn’t put you off too much. Do my horns make you uncomfortable? I can hide them if they do.” Their tone softened from a nervous squeak as they said this. It seemed they were slowly becoming more comfortable around me. Their hair softened, pulling itself out of the braids and turning a beautiful lavender color. The braids wrapped around their horns stayed in place, only changing to a pale pink hue, eerily similar to the chalk I had used to mark my way to their house just a few days before. I looked away before they could catch me staring. They stepped closer to me, moving to just a few feet away from me. Their shimmering eyes caught my glimpse and they appeared to be a vibrant lilac color. One of the most beautiful colors I’d ever seen.

After a few seconds of silence, I decided to finish the introductions: “I’m Indigoh Seren Trench, and no, the horns are fine, I promise. Nice to meet you. I live a few miles that way.” I pointed in the relative direction of my house. Using my middle name in introductions had somehow become standard. It’s one of the only things I still have from my parents, and now it’s just become standard when introducing myself. It’s my way of honoring them as much as I still can. “Honestly, I thought I lived as deep in this dense fucking forest as I possibly could. I didn’t expect to see anyone back here.”

“Well, Indigoh Seren, it seems you thought wrong. It’s fine; everyone else thinks that. Well, most of the time. There were two that managed to find me out here. Pretty low number for the amount of time I’ve been here. They’re all so recent, too. Maybe humanity is slowly starting to gain the intelligence it’s lacked all these years.” Sheesh. Harsh, but they’re right. Tell that to my grandmother. She’ll really get a kick out of that.

I didn’t say it out loud, but we hadn’t moved, and I was starting to get cold. I’ll never know how they don’t get cold, even with them being a dæmon and all.

“Well, Sap, would you like to come back to my place? I can get you something to drink or eat, maybe start up the woodstove and heat up the place, though it seems like you don’t need that being out here in the snow barefoot and all.” I offered.

“Really? I’ve never been to any human’s house before.”

"Maybe you can show me to your place instead, and I’ll meet you there tomorrow. I’ll show you to my house at some point if you really want to see it.” I didn’t tell them I had already been to their house. I don’t think I ever will.

“I think I know where you reside. Is it 114 Mulberry Drive? I remember when they built that house. Scary times. My dads almost made me move somewhere else.” They said, seeming to suddenly recall their suppressed memory.

“Yeah, it is,” I laughed it off. “Do you want to meet there tomorrow and give me the quickest route to your place? I can imagine you know these woods far better than anyone else.”

“Sounds good. See you at this time tomorrow, then?”

I agreed, and we parted ways. Out of all the interactions we had in my head when I was planning everything out, that was none of them. The meeting in the woods was quite a surprise and I never figured out what they were doing there. Or really how they ended up there in the first place.

~~~

About a week has passed since that day. I’ve learned so much about who they are, what they’re capable of, and why they’re here. Apparently, their hair changes depending on their mood. Their eyes too, but I didn’t get close enough to take note of them at all until they had stepped closer to me. Such a fascinating ability that deep inside a part of me envies. As they told me their story, it seemed like there was a lot of regret in their life. Like there was something they’ve longed for, though I’m not sure if I’ll ever learn what that something is.

Despite the circumstances, we’ve gotten along very well and I’m very eager to learn more about them and become closer with them. I’m glad to have stumbled upon them. It seems all the fear simmering between us has subsided by now, which casts a blanket of relief over the two of us. It’s refreshing. I think I’ll stay here.

~~~

#writeblr #my ocs #my characters #original character #original writing #Spotify #milzyocs

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thebreakfastgenie · 1 year

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☔️ :)

Thank you, anon! :D

I know I have talked about this before but I wanted to do it properly. It's a Sam/Josh West Wing AU. It's set a few years before the show, so mid 1990s.

Josh is a freshman congressman from Connecticut. He was a staffer in DC who went home for a while when his father got sick, and got invested in the local congressional race, which was a mess due to the planned Democratic candidate imploding in a scandal and the Republicans choosing a well-liked moderate. Obsessed with winning the race and unable to find a candidate, Josh ended up running himself and narrowly winning. Josh is also gay (normally I prefer bi Josh, but gay works better for this story and it's an AU) and deeply in the closet, although his family knows and are fine with it (he's a surviving sibling, after all). I haven't decided yet if his father is still alive at the time of the story. Josh also mentions later that he stopped working for Earl Brennan (someone he worked for before Hoynes in canon) because of homophobia, and it's implied the homophobia he encountered in DC may be part of the reason he went home to help his father out.

Sam is a gay rights activist/grassroots lobbyist with his own firm that consists of him and one other employee. Sam was a rising star lawyer in New York, close to making partner at Gage-Whitney. The partners knew he was gay and tolerated it, but weren't happy about his pro bono work representing people with AIDS that got him gradually more involved with activism. After being pressured to leave, he moved to DC for a fresh start, and started his firm. Sam is on good terms with Lisa, his ex-girlfriend who he broke up with when he realized he was gay, but they keep some distance because her coworkers are not very accepting and she wants to protect her career.

Working for Sam is Laurie, a woman putting herself through law school working as a call girl. Sam frequently laments not being able to pay her enough, but she's okay with it. She got involved in AIDS activism through sex work and then gay rights activism more generally.

Working for Josh is Donna, an assistant who is the most competent person in his congressional office and effectively running the place. He eventually figures this out and gives her a promotion.

Toward the beginning of the story, Josh's recent ex-girlfriend, PR executive Mandy, shows up at his apartment in DC looking for a place to stay. Josh suggests she's trying to make his colleague Lloyd Russell jealous and that she's wasting her time, but Mandy insists she just needs a place to crash. She tells Josh that unlike his other exes, she knows the real reason they broke up, and she'll help him look straight in exchange for a place to stay. Josh relents. Later, when Donna needs a place to stay after a bad breakup, Mandy convinces Josh to let her stay as well, arguing that nothing look straighter than an attractive young assistant sleeping over, and since neither of them are married it's a minor scandal at worst.

Sam is on a mission to pass a gay rights bill. I'm not sure exactly what it is yet; The West Wing is an alternate political universe, but I still want it to be realistic for the 90s, so I need to do some research, but I think it's some kind of anti-discrimination measure, maybe employment or housing discrimination. Sam is looking for members of congress to press for support, and realizes that Josh Lyman has a flawless voting record on gay rights, but never talks about them in public. Sam repeatedly goes to his office and Josh tries to duck his visits, but eventually lets him in. Sam makes a joke about "bringing you out of the closet" during his pitch and from Josh's reaction, he realizes that Josh is gay himself and that's why he's hesitant to talk about gay issues publicly. Sam eventually convinces him to help.

While working together, Sam and Josh begin to fall in love. They sleep together early on while working late, but the next day Sam apologizes and says he doesn't do casual relationships. Josh believes this means Sam isn't interested in pursuing a more serious relationship and is disappointed, but doesn't say anything because he doesn't want to jeopardize their good working relationship and friendship with unrequited feelings. The feelings are very much requited, but Sam didn't think Josh would want to pursue a relationship, partly because he's dumb and partly because he thinks Josh might have understandable concerns about a representative/lobbyist relationship. They work it out by the end but it's kind of a slow burn.

In their quest for co-sponsors, they encounter many characters from the show who were in congress. They get support from Andi Wyatt, and through her meet her husband, Toby. They also hear about the governor of New Hampshire signing a similar state level anti-discrimination law. We will also encounter reporters seen in the show, especially Danny who is friendly with Josh.

Josh eventually chooses to come out publicly, and also chooses not to run for another term in congress, having never wanted to be in the spotlight in the first place, and having now found a successor. They do successfully pass the bill, at least in the House. Its fate in the senate may remain unknown. Toby and Leo McGarry approach Josh about the campaign Jed Bartlet is putting together, and Josh decides to join them, then asks Sam to come to New Hampshire with him. I may have to throw in some third act romcom tension so I can get an AU version of the romcom moment in In the Shadow of Two Gunmen for the ending. Sam and Josh are together and planning to continue their work.

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ablogwithoutacause · 7 months

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Feeling alive again. But once again, ridiculous. Feeling like an uphill battle is coming. Yet, this time i have all the ammunition to keep battling until my opponent (the former self) is dead, or at least under control.

Sitting at the Team-member Dining Room in September i thought of my ex-wife. I thought of how she often struggles fighting off negative thoughts of her past that haunt her. I had my headphones in listening to Bob Marley, (btw his movie came out today. Magnificent marketing i must say, he preached about love. When is the day most think about love… ha ha ha Feb 14.) anyways, in the song Running Away… he says something that lead me to write the following. I’m not saying she tried running away, bur if anyone has ever tried it before, just know it’s impossible.

I was going to throw this folded paper while clearing out papers from my Jeep. Interestingly enough, it was the spanish print mentioning Red Rock that stopped me, made me look at the paper, and remembered what it was.

For many weeks I was confused, but everything hidden must come to light. I found out about this beautiful… marvelous, magnificent thing called NO CONTACT. The girlies are supporting each other all over social media. Baking anniversary cakes. Celebrating their accomplishments of cutting contact with their former significant others… half of the comments are of people sharing what day/month they’re in. The other half are girls saying “ugh, i relapsed” “i contacted him”. Knowing some of those girls are doing it for good… makes me chuckle a bit. Because whoever they cut off from contact… somehow still lives rent-free in their mind. What’s the point of this? Was Kendrick Lamar wrong in saying “They say conversation, rule a nation, I can tell but I could never right my wrongs 'Less I write it down for real, P.S”

In the following verse Drake ends it with saying they say communication save relations…

So… if conversation, communication, is key in ruling nations, saving relations. What’s the point in this no contact that’s become the new fad? Have men really hurt women so much to the point they need self validation from theirselves that bad? To the point where all they have is their guarding of the self that they’d rather give up communicating to fix things? I truly don’t blame them. For generations men have been abusive, con-artist, and selfish. It’s sad. Knowing i did it to my ex-wife. Pushed her into this no contact. Little does she know the growth I’ve been accomplishing since everything happened has been humbling. But as humbling as it’s been, it’s been rewarding. This is my Nebuchadnezzar going crazy for 7 years. God is holding my hand waiting for my acknowledgment of his power. Just like Nebuchadnezzar, allowing me to experience it all. From being homeless, to being pushed out and humiliated by family. I rode the wave, I held on to that palm tree during the hurricane… it’s all coming together now. I have my own place. Today. On the day the Bob Marley (my new favorite artist since last year.) movie was released. God’s love allowed me to finally have a place to live in. I’ll slowly make it a home. I’ll slowly bring the warmth. Through decorations and an expansion of clientele. I hope pretty soon, to have a special someone who i miss, make appearances. I’m sure she’ll love the analog quirks of this oven as much as i do.

What makes a home a home? It’s love. It’s safety.

The memories created in the home. On the first day, the closet rack fell on my arm giving be a pretty serious bruise. Instead of getting mad, i laughed it off. Como dice el dicho “El que se enoja, pierde.”

I respect your decision to hop on the no contact. I can’t be mad at the tire swing for hitting me, if I’m the reason it’s violently swinging. It’ll be like getting mad that my popcorn burned, when i put the pizza setting on the microwave instead of popcorn. It’s easy for me to feel like you saying we’d come into contact again in the future isn’t really going to happen, when you’re left alone with your emotions in silence. In solitude. It’s easy to panic and not see the light at the end of the tunnel.

This looks like such a typical cowboy hut. In dire need of a Victorian era mademoiselle wearing a bonnet and colonial dress. Willing to churn butter and bake goods, while the cowboy is out rustling cattle and trading fur for spices. Or fabricating furniture in the front of the house. Perhaps sharpening tools, or in this case, shaving all the prickly pear bearded men of the desert.

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homosexualslug · 2 years

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me 🤝 jonathan

protecting will byers at all costs

#literally could not care less about the ship all that matters is that my gay son is okay and loves and accepts himself #and the fact that jonathan has ALWAYS been supportive of him #as someone who was closeted for years having a family member who tried to support me even before I came out was life changing #so glad the directors remember noah schnapp is a good actor honestly this scene and the kitchen scene soooo good #stranger things #st spoilers #stranger things spoilers #will byers #jonathan byers #stranger things volume 2 #st volume 2

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river-bottom-nightmare · 3 years

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an (incomplete) list of things kon can do because lex luthor is his dad that people always forget about:

#1 : math - he's fifteen, and math comes easy to him (unlike a lot of people his age, or at least, his visible age.) a lot of things come easy to him, because when you have all knowledge in the known universe downloaded into your brain, things like advanced math don't bother you very much.

but it bothers his friends, because bart loses interest about three seconds into the assignments, cassie groans anytime "homework" is brought up in general, and tim hates the concept and execution of math so much that he'd rather hide in kon's room where he thinks no one will look for him instead of even cracking open a textbook.

but kon's pretty sure being a hero means you don't need any real world skills, and after his initial hesitation and disagreements, he realized that he genuinely wants these people to like him, to be friends with him. their math homework is easier than a breeze to complete.

#2 : tying a tie the ~fancy~ way - he's nineteen, and his fingers flow through a silk tie like a fish through water. the motions are beyond familiar, he could do them in his sleep. so is the action of pulling on a suit, pressing his collar, arranging his hair into a neat style. he's timothy drake-wayne's date tonight, and he needs to look the part. fortunately, luthor taught him how to look the part a long the ago.

the party itself is,,,,pleasant, he supposes. he spends most of the time as arm candy, tim's pretty little thing as his boyfriend sweet-talked investors and networked. but they both know that the tipsier people are, the easier they let slip secrets to someone they believe won't understand them, and kon gathers a wealth of information by the time he meets up with tim by the appetizer bar right before dinner.

tim tugs him close by his tie and kisses his cheek, then laughs when kon discreetly but disgustedly spits out the pickled salmon cracker toppings.

#3 : educated debating - he's sixteen, and in an argument with tim that's gone so off the rails that kon can't even remember what they were fighting about in the first place. wherever they started, they were here, now, kon on top of a table in an ice cream parlour screaming about how a socialist approach to taxes would boost the lower class, tim on top of a barstool screaming right back about how the middle class are the only ones paying taxes and socialism would only put more weight on their shoulders.

both of them are this close to busting out laughing, and the only reason they haven't been thrown out is because the employee behind the counter is frantically taking notes. kon can see it in tim's eyes, see the way the younger boy didn't expect to hold such a passionate and intense debate with him, didn't expect kon to be capable of it. it's a pleasant surprise, though; that much is evident in tim's barely-hidden grin.

the debate comes to a pause when bart smacks him with a spoon and tells him off for stepping on the speedster's ice cream, and the tiredness with which he collapses back into the booth is a good one.

#4 : efficient + effective workplace supervision - he's twenty, and wondering how in the hell people hadn't murdered the entirety of young justice when it was first founded. bart had graduated to being the flash's full time sidekick, and though he came to visit often, it wasn't the same. gotham was almost always on the verge of imminent disaster these days, and tim was one of the few ropes holding it together. kon missed him like crazy, but his few visits were all the boy could spare. cassie was in charge now, and she was a wonderful leader, but busy, always smoothing over relations between the team and the justice league and civilian offices.

so, somehow, that left kon to be the den mother to all the new younger kids, and somehow, kon was good at it. he knew exactly what to say to get people to listen to his commands, telling them to work on this or work on that, train for this and practice that. he tells them when to get some sleep and let the weight of the day roll off their shoulders, and when to push themselves to raise them higher than they ever thought they could go. unexpectedly, he finds himself liking it.

#5 : the splits

#6 : colour schemes + interior decorating - he's twenty-one, and tim's finally deciding to turn the nest into a home. bart, who had spent the last couple of years bouncing between allen-west-mercury households and was therefore accustomed to a home with a fire of love reaching every corner and every member of the family, was appalled. so was kon, honestly.

the penthouse that tim worked out of was cold and impersonal, sleek lines that angles that matched the limbs and contours of tim's body. but the shadows around tim's eyes had lessed over the past few years, his smile coming to his lips almost as easy as when young justice first learned how to work together. all it took was a little encouragement from cassie, and suddenly, all four of them were involved in a home renovation project.

cassie churned out ikea furniture like it was nothing, the three of them taking a break from their jobs to just watch her as she lifted one of their hardwood bookshelves with one hand. bart bought home goods and essentials from various department stores and ran around, stocking the house with them wherever he felt a saucepan needed to be hung (near the coat hanger) or a candle holder needed to be placed (on the kitchen barstools, because apparently those were decorative anyway).

kon, meanwhile, decorated. he painted rooms and bought curtains and pillows, yes. but he also sorted through every single souvenir and memory the four of them had managed to accumulate over the years, photographs and hacked-off pieces of giant robots and saved movie tickets and broken weapons. he gets his hands on everything he can find, then fills up tim's nest until it's brimming with a cosy warmth made up of the four of them.

still, it's an obnoxiously large penthouse, so there's empty and open space left over even after redecorating. it's tim who takes a breath and works up the courage to tell them, not ask but tell them, that he wanted each of them to have their own bedroom. so bart takes the largest guest room and turns it into an explosion of colour, and cassie spends too much time decorating a room that she won't even live in most of the time. kon conspicuously notes how tim doesn't bother giving kon a room, just dumps kon's backpack on his bed and clears room in his own closet. he does wrap tim in a ttk hug though, from all the way across the room, and drinks in tim's red flush.

#7 : speed reading (no powers) - he's seventeen, and just now realizing how competitive his best friends are. cassie had long since resigned herself to being the judge and the hander-outer-of-prizes (candy from the nearest convenience store) for the speed-reading competition, but tim, kon, and bart were still in the running.

eventually, though, the pressure from holding back his powers grew too strong, and bart slumped against the back of the sofa, mournfully opening his mouth so cassie could drop a candy into it.

and then there were two.

kon thought back to the confrontation that had started this contest in the first place, robin's offhand comment about how he had to be the one to collect the data files from the company office they were infiltrating, because he was the only one who could speed-read and retain information. that had spiraled into an argument, then a challenge, then a competition, with a clear rule not to use any powers.

kon darted his eyes across the page, soaking up every word, the pages like tiny knives on the pads of his fingers as he turned them. he lost track of the page count, just reading and reading and reading until he tried to turn the page and realized there wasn't a next one. he yelled in triumph, reveling in tim's defeated groan, and settled in for cassie's quiz on the contents of the book.

#8 : sophisticated meal and wine palette - he was twenty-two, and discovering that he really, really liked tim's shocked face. they'd been friends for years now, childish hatred turned into playful bantering turned into knowing each other inside out. still, every now and then, kon did something that forced tim's eyebrows high on his head, his eyes widening just the barest bit.

right now, kon was at a dinner party with the words moral support written across his forehead. tim could handle himself remarkably well, but there was tiredness lacing the smaller boy's frame, and kon could practically see the way the tips of his soul were frazzled. so kon let tim lean into his arm and whispered jokes about luna-with-the-big-ugly-purse and martonio-who-can't-do-a-combover into his ear. or, at least, he was.

somehow he'd been drawn into a good natured argument with the man sitting just two seats down from tim and kon. friendly opinions of food had been tossed back and forth, growing more and more heated until kon looked him right in the eye and said he liked prosecco with his prosciutto, internally crowing with satisfaction at their shocked silence and sighing with pity that none of the guests here would ever try that combination out of fear of deviation. once the man had regained his sensibilities, he shot back, saying the sixth course should never serve salmon, instead regaling the fish to the amusebouche or the cheese course. kon snorted and told him fish itself was going out of style, and if he wanted to impress guests at the next dinner party he hosted, he should try serving octopus.

tim's shocked face was a pleasant surprise, but seeing the stunned, controlled blinks of everyone around him as they realized he wasn't just a pretty face was satisfying as well. even more satisfying was when he and tim said their goodbyes; while waiting for the valet, tim pressed up onto the tips of his toes and whispered promisingly in kon's ear, i fucking love your competence.

#9 : manipulating people into hating him to justify his actions - he was eighteen, and he was screaming, crying, tearing his hair out. kon didn't know what he had expected. lingering fondness? grudging acceptance? maybe a small leap for a chance at love?

it didn't matter. clark didn't want anything to do with him. and he was eighteen now, which meant clark didn't need to take care of him anymore, didn't need to pretend to pay attention to him anymore. he'd made it quite clear.

maybe that was why he found himself hesitating before saying no to amanda waller's offer. he forgot about the warnings tim gave him, though, and waller pounced on that hesitation, quicker than a panther. it was easy, it was oh so easy to let himself go with her.

besides, they had a reason to hate him now. he hadn't done anything to clark. he hadn't asked to be made. but clark had wanted nothing to do with him anyway, and didn't that sting. so if people were going to turn him away now, it was going to be for something he did.

he didn't realize how bad he was spiraling, how close he was to stepping off the lighted ledge he'd been balancing on his entire life and tumbling into the darkness below. but cassie had a stronger punch than most grown superheroes, and bart had tenaciousness written into every strand of his ginormous hair, and tim gripped his jaw so hard his fingernails dug into kon's skin and told kon that he was getting his best friend back, no matter what the hell he thought he was worth.

maybe it was madness that made him throw himself forward, still wrapped in the lasso cassie borrowed from diana, practically mauling tim's lips with his own. he was pretty sure he wasn't supposed to break down crying after he kissed someone, given past experience, but the three of them, his wonderful, wonderful friends, just hugged him tight, let him fight and shake and sob until all the rage was gone. it was the first time in a long while he'd done something in hopes that someone would look at him with love, not hatred.

#10 : waltzing - he was twenty-three, twenty three and giddy with how much time he had left. conner was with tim drake-wayne publicly now, so expectations were thrust onto him, expecting to be met.

kon tended to have more fun at events than tim ever did. granted, kon didn't have to deal with all of his coworkers drinking too much and exchanging money with secrets faster than drugs and asking tim whether or not his relationship meant he was open for still-young and handsome men who needed just a small escape from their wives. but tim wasn't trying very hard to enjoy himself either.

so kon was completely justified in tugging him towards the center of the room, in a patch of floor sparsely occupied, then pulling him as close as he dared. tim's panicked whisper of what!? was overridden by kon's laughter, but he muffled his sounds for a minute, letting tim hear the quiet music playing in the background (prerecorded and playing on speakers, not live).

understanding broke over tim's face, and he arched into kon's hold as easy as breathing. kon moved one of his hands to grip tim's wrist, and he twirled the two of them effortlessly, breathless at tim's flabbergasted expression. the rhythm was simple, and tim caught on quickly. one two three, one two twist, one two three, one two step, one two three, one two switch, one two three, one two three.

kon couldn't say they danced the night away, because a little while later tim took a break for a drink, then speeches were made, then dinner was served. by then, they were both entirely too tired to dance, longing for just a bed and a soft blanket and each other. but for those few minutes in the middle of a packed yet empty ballroom, kon and tim did lose themselves in the music, just a little bit.

i don't know shit about taxes or socialism. this got way longer than anticipated whoops. i'm tagging this "long post," but if someone asks me to put it under a cut, i'd be happy to

also jesus christ this thing is almost 2.5k words. im uploading it to ao3 later if i'm in the mood

tag list: @woahjaybird @birdy-bat-writes @anothertimdrakestan @subtleappreciation @screennamealreadyused @pricetagofficial @catxsnow @bikoncon @maplumebleue-blog-blog @sundownridg @thatsthewhump @xatanna-troy

#scribbles from the swamp #kon-el #conner kent #superboy #timkon #core four #dc #kon-el headcanon #kon-el fic #conner kent headcanon #conner kent fic #superboy headcanon #superboy fic #timkon headcanon #timkon fic #core four headcanon #core four fic #dc headcanon #dc fic

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stray-kids-react · 3 years

Text

Trans s/o

Masterlist

...

Bang Chan

° Was dating you before you came out to him, you were fully prepared for him to leave you. But to your surprise, Chan stayed with you and even encouraged you to get an appointment early for your transition.

° Will help you take your medication to help with the process, and if you get dizzy from it he will gladly pick you up and carry you to bed. He's a true gentleman, so he'll probably carry you to bed even if you aren't dizzy or tired.

° Helps you pick your new name, always finding the cutest ones or the most random ones. Like Flossy/Tangerine, but he tries he truly does. But at the end of the day you make the final call, and he respects that 110%.

"You're going to have to find a name that goes with Bang as a last name."

"That's why I'm not going with the names you picked out."

Lee Know

° Had a crush on you ever since you started working as a stylist, and he had absolutely no clue that you were transgender until he revealed his crush and someone told him that you were. He honestly didn't care that you were.

° Minho found it rude how the staff member that told him found him weird for still liking you, as if it is weird to like someone who is transgender. He wasn't interested in the staff member or considered them a friend, so why do they care?

° Soon realized that thier opinions of your transition wasn't just kept private and that they would harass you about it. So he went to JYP to try and at least make it so you were further away from her. But JYP genuinely didn't help.

"I'm just saying, it's weird since they aren't actually a-"

"It's weirder that you care so much, do you not have a life?"

Changbin

° Was your best friend before you started dating, he saw you transition and the struggles you went through in high school when the teachers would call you by your old name even though you constantly insisted to go by your new one.

° When you started dating, it never dialed to amaze him by how ignorant people can be. As if they think he doesn't know that his lover of 3 years is transgender. He knows, and he loves you no matter what.

° The last straw was when he was on a special interview with Jessi where she invited different idols. One of the being Siwon from suju, who is known to not be overly supportive of the lgbtq+ community. Which made Changbin upset.

"How can you date someone who is faking-"

"They aren't faking, if anything you are the fake one for putting on this nice guy act when you're really an asshole."

Hyunjin

(cutie)

° Will spoil you with any transgender items he can get, cute pikachu with the transgender colors? Bought. Pins? Bought. Flags? Ordered. Cakes? Already in the oven. You reassure him that he doesn't have to spoil you, but he wants to.

° Won't gush over your baby photos or hang them up if you are uncomfortable with looking at them, instead he'll gush over your current photos and hang up recent couple photos of the two of you. He even has a wedding collage ready.

° He can be dramatic, in a good way. So when you are being harsh on yourself saying you still look too much like a boy/girl. He will stand you infront of a mirror and tell you everything that's manly/feminine about you.

"You're my precious lil bean, don't be hard on yourself."

"Hyunjin, your ruining my foundation with you kisses *giggles*."

Han

° He had a crush on you for ages, you were Hyunjin's best friend and he met you through Hyunjin. Jisung grew fond of you after only a week of chatting to you, everyone noticed how blushy and mushy he got around you.

° Hyunjin never told him you were Trans because he thought you had already told Jisung yourself, but you didn't since you thought Hyunjin told him. This led to a semi confused Jisung when you were going through old photos.

° He didn't mind and still found you attractive, he was just surprised to see you in your old photos. You looked so uncomfortable in them and didn't look like yourself at all, he was honestly glad you came out of the closet.

"You look just as gorgeous and confident as you do back then."

"Can you not flirt with y/n when I'm right here?"

Felix

(I just want to ruffle his hair istg.)

° So proud of you when you come out to him, he cries so much that you are worried he is sad. But it's actually happy tears, because he's always had a suspicion for the last four months that something was off with you.

° Won't stop clinging onto you after you get the surgery done, he's just a smiley ball of fluffiness the whole time because he is so happy for you. But if you ask him for anything cause your sore or don't feel well, he's up and doing it in a flash.

° Felix is the type who wouldn't care about gender or sexuality, as long as they are interested in him and have a good personality then he would love them endlessly. So you will blush often from the way he gazes at you like you're his universe.

"God, I'm the luckiest man alive to be with you. You're so perfect, now let me snuggle you."

"You're so cheesy sometimes, you're lucky you're cute and can pull it off."

Seungmin

° When you came out to him and your family, he was surprised but still loved you just as much. He didn't think it should effect the way someone feels about you, but apparently your parents had different opinions on the matter.

° One week later and you had the last of your boxes in Seungmin's dorm. Your parents gave you one week to move out, not wanting someone part of the community to live under there household and be seen by their friends.

° You would be lying if you said it didn't hurt, it did you sobbed every night. But as long as Seungmin was beside you, everything was going to be okay. You don't know what you would've done without him, you felt lucky that way.

"I can't believe they are ashamed of me."

"It's there loss, you're the best person on this planet. Skz and I are happy to have you."

Jeongin

° Jeongin was your ex boyfriend's best friend, he watched you get cheated on and verbally abused by his so called "friend". The last straw for him was when you came out and all your boyfriend did was scoff and dump you on the spot.

° Jeongin pretty much took you under his wing and babied you until you were over that asshole. He even deleted his contact and phone number from his phone, realizing how bad he was when he saw how he treated you.

° 5 months later and you and Jeongin are happily dating, and making you feel like the royalty he sees you as. You both never heard from your ex ever since that day, but when Jeongin took you to a grocery store to get some snacks. You both bumped into him.

"So I see you're getting my sloppy seconds."

"You're the only sloppy one here dumbass."

#stray kids #kpop #skz scenarios #stray kids reactions #changbin #han jisung #hyunjin #jeongin #bang chan #lee know #Lee felix #felix skz #skz seungmin #trans reader #thunderous

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itsallyscorner · 4 years

Note

I am loving your Little Mix member!reader x Tom Holland stuff! Could you write something about Tom comforting the reader after Jesy leaving the band? 💙

Hello darling! Thank you for the request and I’m sorry for taking so long, I’ve been busy with school😩 But it’s finally here, I’m writing about Jesy leaving Little Mix😭Thank you again and happy reading💞

💌.

A Horrible Friend

You knew it would happen one day, but didn’t expect it to be so soon. You knew all the hate and pressure would get too much for her, though you believed that she was strong enough to overcome their hateful words. Jesy is strong. As much as it hurt you and the other remaining girls to see her leave, you were all proud of her for finally putting herself first and doing something for her mental health. Away from the prying eyes of the public, you and the girls knew that Jesy had been struggling behind the scenes. From the constant pressure of being in one of the world’s biggest girl groups and living up to other people’s expectations; Jesy was unhappy.

“Before I share my announcement, can the girls and I just have a moment alone?” Jesy asked, turning towards the management team and producers. Your shared publicist nodded solemnly and ushered the rest of the people in the room outside. You shared a look with Perrie who shrugged with the same amount of confusion as you.

You eyed Jesy warily; her cheeks were a bit puffy and there was a hint of redness in her eyes. Her fingers nervously fiddled with each other while her eyes shifted between you and the girls.

“Babe, what’s up?” Perrie questioned her, concern lacing her voice. Jesy’s lip quivered and her eyes began to water. She shook her head then placed her head in her hands. Jade scooted closer to Jesy and brought her into her arms, “Oh Jesy, what’s wrong?”

You join Jade and wrap your arms around Jesy’s other side. You rest your chin on Jesy’s shoulder while rubbing circles onto her back. When she was ready to talk, she wiped her tears away with the pads of her thumbs, and grasped your hand with hers.

“I just want you to know that I love you all so much. I’m so blessed that you’ve all been part of a chapter in my life and I want to thank you for being the bestest friends I could ever ask for. You have showed me nothing but kindness and love, you supported me through literally anything. Seriously, from the bottom of my heart, you guys mean the world to me. Without any of you, I might not even be here today.” Jesy spoke, fighting her tears and sniffling in between her sentences.

“You don’t need to thank us. We’re a family, Jesy, it’s what families do. We’ll always be here to support you no matter what.” Leigh-Anne reassured her, reaching across the table to take Jesy’s other hand.

“I don’t want you guys to hate me.” Jesy cried quietly. Your brows furrowed together. You squeezed her hand, “Jesy we could never hate you.”

Perrie leaned closer to Jesy, “Jes, what’s wrong?Tell us what’s wrong, please? We’ll do our best to help you, whatever it is.”

Jesy sighed and looked up at the ceiling to hold back her tears.

“You all know that I’ve been having a difficult time. With performing, making appearances—everything just feels like it’s too much now. I love our job and what we do, but for a while now I’ve been finding it hard to actually enjoy what we’re doing. I feel so suffocated always having to please other people and have people expect things from me. It’s to the point where I’ve had to fake my happiness and put on fake smiles just for people to think I’m okay. When in reality, I’m not.” Jesy confessed. From the words that were coming out her mouth and the physical state she was in, you had a feeling of what she wanted to tell you all. Jesy’s voice faded out while your eyes grew watery and your vision blurred.

“In regards to my mental health, I have come to the decision that I will be officially leaving Little Mix.” Jesy announced. The room was at a stand still. Nobody spoke, the only noise in the room were the sounds of you and the girls sniffling and crying to yourselves.

“I’m sorry.” Jesy cried turning to you. You shook your head at her, tears freely streaming down your face. You wanted to tell her that she didn’t have to be sorry, but you couldn’t find the strength to speak without breaking down, so instead you wrapped your arms around her and cried into her shoulder.

Tom heard the front door opening meaning that someone was home. It couldn’t have been Harrison or Tuwaine since they’ve both left to visit their families and Harry was locked in his room sleeping in for the day. Which only left one other person. You.

A wave of excitement rushed through his body since he knew you were finally back home. He also knew that you were coming back from a meeting with the girls, which usually meant talks of the next album, new projects, and possibly a tour. He couldn’t wait for you to come skipping into the living room and tell him all about it. Except you didn’t.

When you usually arrived home, you would loudly announce yourself or yell out a “Baby I’m home” to Tom. Instead, he heard the door distinctly shut and a sniffle coming from the hallway. The quietness and the sniffle was enough for him to worriedly rush off the couch.

“Babe?” He called out, leaning past the wall to peak behind it. You were shoving off your jacket and hanging it on the coat rack attached to the wall when you made eye contact with Tom. A small gasp passes through his lips once he sees your tear stained face. He was immediately by your side, wrapping his buff arms around your figure and letting you rest your head in the crook of his neck. Finally in the comfort of your lover, you let out all the sobs you were holding in since the meeting.

Tom softly shushed you, rocking you back and forth, while rubbing soothing circles on your back. “Oh darling, what’s wrong?” He cooed against your hair. You didn’t answer, only letting out small whimpers into his shoulder.

You felt his body tense up and his arms tighten around you, “Do I need to give someone a beating? Who made you cry? Was it someone at management? I’ll drive there right now and give them a piece of my mind for messing with my girl.” After two years of being together, Tom was aware of the mistreatment your previous record label had towards you and the girls. Ever since then, he’s been very protective of you (and the girls) when it came to anything involving management.

You shook your head against his shoulder, wrapping your arms around his torso. Tom suspected that you weren’t ready to speak yet; he felt you hiccup against him while your tears soaked his shirt.

Tom lightly patted your thigh, signaling for you to jump. “How about we go to bed for now? We could go to our room and get all comfy, how does that sound, darling?” You weakly nodded as Tom helped you wrap your legs around his waist. Before he can take you both to your shared room, he stopped by the kitchen and got you a bottle of water.

He gently set you on the edge of the bed, twisting the bottle of water open and handing it to you. He got a pair of his sweats and one of his shirts from his side of the closet and helped you changed into them. Your cries have slowly come to a stop, leaving you to hiccup against Tom’s chest, where your head rested on. He was leaning against the headboard with you cuddled into him.

You shut your eyes after feeling them burn from all the crying. One of Tom’s fingers were tangled in your hair and his other was resting against your back.

“What happened at the meeting?” Tom finally asked quietly.

“Jesy’s leaving the band.” You answer, voice coming out hoarsely. Tom stops his motions in your hair and leans back to get a proper look at you.

“What?”

“Jesy’s leaving the band.” You repeated. Tom’s brows knit together in confusion. Like you and the girls, he was just as shocked as you all were.

“D—did she confirm it? Are you sure she wasn’t just mentioning it? Maybe she was joking, you know how Jes can get.” Tom stammered.

“It’s official Tom! I was fucking there!” You exclaim, voice raising in frustration. Your eyes were now open, meaning you didn’t miss the way Tom flinched at your change in tone. You sigh and shut your eyes again, rubbing your temples with your fingers. “I’m sorry.” You apologized.

“No, don’t be sorry, it’s okay.” He assured you, resting his palm against the back of your head to rest it in between his shoulder and neck. He placed a light kiss on your temple, repeating the action a few times to comfort you.

“Jesy said she couldn’t handle being in the band anymore.” You started. “The way she described it was so heartbreaking. Tom, she said hasn’t been properly happy for months now. She was faking it all this time just to make us believe she was fine.” You explained, voice wavering.

You breathed in, feeling the hiccups starting to bubble from your chest again.

“I’m a horrible friend. How could I have not noticed that something was wrong? I should’ve known that she wasn’t herself, I knew there was something off about her but I didn’t do anything.” You cried, tears forming in your eyes again. Tom frowned at you.

“No, don’t blame yourself for not knowing a thing. You couldn’t have ever guessed that she was going through something.” Tom tried to reason with you. He moved some strands of hair away from your face and tilted your chin up to look at him.

“Y—yeah but still—“

“But nothing. Just because you can’t detect how someone is automatically feeling does not mean you’re a horrible friend. You’re only human, sweetheart.” He cradled your face and made sure that you were listening to every word that came out his mouth. It already hurt to see you cry, but it was worse to know that you were blaming yourself for the departure of your friend.

“(Y/n), you’ve always been there for Jesy. You’ve been there to lift her up when she was low. You made her laugh, reminded her everyday of how beautiful she was inside and out—you’re far from a horrible friend. You’re one of the greatest friends she could have ever had. And I know Jesy would agree.” His thumbs wipe at the tears that trailed down your face. He sent you a small smile, attempting to get rid of that pout on your lips.

“I just wish I could’ve done something. Maybe if I did, she would’ve stayed in the band. With us.” You mumbled. Tom hummed in response, “But darling, Jesy said she was unhappy. Whether you or the other girls were to try something, she would’ve still left. Would you rather her continue to fake her happiness or would you want her to leave and take care of herself?”

You frowned, knowing Tom was right, “I’d want her to take care of herself. I don’t want us to hold her back and make her suffer. She deserves to be happy.”

Tom leaned down to connect your lips with his, “And you deserve to be happy as well. Don’t beat yourself up for Jesy leaving, you did nothing wrong. None of you did. It’s just time for Jesy to move on to a new part in her life and find happiness again.”

You hum sadly, “I know. I’m glad she’s decided to do something for herself for once, it just hurts to know that she won’t be there with us anymore.”

“That’s understandable.” Tom comfortingly rubbed your back, easing the tension in between your shoulders. “But I know she’ll still be supporting you guys from the sidelines, she wouldn’t let you guys get rid of her that easily.” He chuckled nudging you with his shoulders. A burst of happiness erupted in his body when he saw a shy smile form on your lips; he finally got you to smile.

Tom squeezed your shoulders at the idea he came up with, “Ooo, once you guys are on tour again can you put my seat next to Jesy? I’ll get to annoy her the entire time and she won’t have the option to leave because you’ll all be one stage.”

You snort out a laugh and smack his chest, “No! Do you want her to hate me? She can’t stand you.” Tom joined you in laughing, happy to see that you were feeling better.

“You know, I’m gonna miss her poking fun at me whenever I see you and the girls.” Tom reminisced after you both stopped laughing.

“Yeah, we’re all gonna miss that. Especially her embarrassing you every chance she gets.” You added giggling softly against his neck.

It was quiet between you two until Tom craned his neck to look down at you, “You guys are going to be fine without her. I know you guys might think it’s hard, and it’ll take some time to move on, but I believe you girls can do it. I know you all can.”

You offer him a grateful smile and press a kiss to the corner of his lips, “Thank you. I love you so much.”

Tom responds to you with a pout, “I love you too, darling. But you missed.”

“Missed what?”

“My lips!” He exclaimed making a show of puckering his lips out at you. You were about to kiss him but decided this was the perfect opportunity for some light teasing.

“Oh sorry, I couldn’t find them from how thin they are.” You apologized. Tom’s jaw dropped before he began scooting away from under you. From the playful glint in your eye, he obviously knew you were joking. Though he didn’t expect you to crack a joke at him, especially after such a heartfelt moment.

“So is that how it’s gonna be? You’re gonna be the one to make fun of me now?” He dramatically asked you, a hand on his chest.

“Well if Jesy’s not gonna be around as much, someone has to do it.” You shrugged, leaving him on the bed and moving to leave for the kitchen. Tom panned his eyes around the room like how they do in The Office.

“I’m just never going to catch a break, am I?”

#marvel #mcu #avengers #little mix #ally’s request #Tom Holland #tom holland x reader #tom holland imagines #jesy nelson #perrie edwards #jade thirlwall #leigh anne pinnock #tom holland fluff #tom holland drabble #tom holland blurb

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shurisneakers · 3 years

Text

shut in [12]

Summary: When your high profile mission goes terribly wrong, you’re forced to hide in a safehouse with a man you’ve never met before. With seemingly nowhere else to go, you’re forced to work together to figure out who is trying to have you assassinated before it’s too late. (Sam Wilson x Reader, Hitman AU)

Warnings: anxiety, ptsd, abuse, death

Word count: 2.7k

A/N: two more chapters to go after this + an epilogue i haven’t written yet fdkjghdfkhg. things pick up next chapter don’t worry. i’d love to know your favourite parts so far if you have any!!

i also appreciate feedback so if you would like to, please consider dropping me an ask or comment ly guys!

here’s my ko-fi if you’d like to support my writing <333

Previous Part || Shut In Masterlist

Your first home, from what you could remember, was the overcrowded hall you shared with kids in and around your age.

There was too much noise. Always too much noise.

Even when the children were in their classes, there was always someone whose cries you could hear in the distance when they realised they had nowhere else to go, peals of laughter during lunch breaks, excited whispers when someone came to visit, nervous excuses when belongings went missing.

The orphanage you were brought up in was no place for a child. It was underfunded and an utterly miserable sight. But you made your first friends there. A fiery redhead and a boy who resembled a puppy with his shiny blonde hair and blue eyes. Their names escaped you now.

Within structured schedules and learning to stow away candy left behind by volunteers so that they weren’t taken away by others, you found relief. You didn’t have a family. Caregivers came and went more than the seasons changed. But maybe what the girl and boy gave you came close. As close as six year olds could get, anyway.

They were picked before you. The red head left first, and a few months later was the last you saw of the boy. You often wondered where they were, how they were doing. You never truly got answers, but it wasn’t like you went searching.

You waited another year. They didn’t return. By then a man with a leather jacket who suspiciously wore sunglasses indoors had filled out the paperwork for you and two other kids. You had never interacted with them before until then. A few years down the line you were the only one of the three that remained anyway.

Your second house was in a dark hall. You weren’t allowed to roam around on your own; no one cared if you were 8 or 18. If you needed to be out of the way, you’d be out.

The man who pulled you out of the orphanage you never saw again. A secret adoption, you found out years later, so that no one would know of your existence. All the paperwork he filled out would have mysteriously been destroyed. To the world, you never existed and outside the organisation you were simply another kid who slipped through the cracks.

He disappeared after you were introduced to another who looked to be in his late twenties. He nicknamed you Buttercup, introducing you as the newest member of his cartel. He told you you were delicate, that he’d give you purpose you didn’t think you could have.

The room was inconceivably small. It barely squeezed in a bed and a small closet with a few changes of clothes. It was dark and congested but it enamoured you. Something to yourself. You didn’t have to fight over it with others who had just as little as you.

The man let you hang around with him. He’d show you the artillery, the large fighting rings with men in them beating each other half to death, the rooms he’d hold meetings with where the lighting was a little darker than the rest. He said it made him look menacing and they needed that where he was working. You giggled.

You found a home with the man who was razor sharp and acidic but insisted it was out of love. You wanted to impress him so badly; begged him to let you in the ring, to wield a gun. He’d only shake his head no, saying that he was waiting for the right time.

For two years you were invited to see what would happen if someone disappointed him. Your first encounter with death was a man who had dared to run away. A bullet in his head later you realised that was the best way to kill someone. His favourite way. And you just wanted to be his favourite.

He didn’t take it easier just because you were ten. He only stopped them from fully killing you.

“All these broken bones will heal,” he had said, “but you will always remember the pain. The minute you forget, it will happen again.”

So you didn’t forget. You observed and tried, and kicked yourself twice for every one mistake you made. Every time you’d look towards him for approval, he’d shake his head and point out everything wrong. You hated it. You hated it so fucking much.

The rage you kept building had only one outlet, the one he provided. So it became instinct. It was all you knew.

You found a home with a man you wanted to impress so bad, you never stopped to ask for what. To him, it was repayment for giving you purpose.

When you were fourteen you realised that no, the feeling in your stomach wasn’t from the previous week’s sparring session. It was butterflies. And for the grumpy new kid nonetheless.

He was your age, but missing an arm and couldn’t remember how or why. You didn’t ask him many questions. He was silent, and a little grouchy, which you didn’t like. But you did like when he offered his hand to you after a fight and you did like the nice smile he occasionally had.

You found a new home with his silent company and non-judgemental looks. He always seemed a little sad, like he was searching for something else. He was an excellent marksman and wasn't bad at hand to hand either.

He’d hang around your new room, one that was bigger than your initial place. You’d talk about new techniques you picked up. He talked about how he wished he remembered where he came from.

He was a friend. You needed one.

You remembered the night you were roughly shaken awake to the same boy saying he was going to be taken in the morning to the other centre. A permanent shift for reasons he didn’t know.

You didn’t get a chance to ask how or why, but in the flurry of him explaining that he had to go before someone noticed he left his room, he pressed a kiss to your lips in a rushed goodbye and ran back to the darkness. You were dazed for the rest of the night. You didn’t see him in the morning.

When you asked Ransone why he was gone, he mutely said that he was a distraction. You couldn’t afford one. He didn’t explain any further, no matter how much you begged.

Similar friends found themselves entering and exiting your life just as this boy did. You stopped keeping track. It hurt too much to wake up one morning to learn they weren’t there. You wondered why the influx of kids never stopped if you weren’t supposed to be friends with them.

You realised years later that they were sent there to be ripped away from you as soon as possible. To toughen you up.

He wouldn’t get rid of something immediately, not if it could be used to hurt you.

Your first mission was when you were fifteen. It was a small time thing; go threaten a man in his house so that he thought twice before crossing Ransone again. You did exactly as you were told, except while you were leaving you heard the cocking of a gun. You spun around and shot him in the shoulder, temporarily disabling him as you left. He cowered on the ground.

You couldn't find anyone as you stumbled back to the centre. There wasn’t a friend who you could vent to. All you had was Ransone. He congratulated you on your first shot, ignoring the trembling of your body and the redness that rimmed your eyes.

You realised that his approval didn’t mean so much to you anymore. If your only purpose was to harm, it wasn’t what you wanted. Not like you had a choice.

Then there was Scott, only brought in for minor things like breaking and entering. He was a funny one and you found yourself spending more and more time with him whenever he did show up. You pulled away when you realised that he was going to end up gone like the rest of the people when Ransone realised that you were paying more attention to him than you should.

He was a sneaky one though; climbed in during nights only to disappear by dawn before anyone saw. He was infectiously light, different from the darkness you were used to seeing. You sought out his brightness, his warmth and he happily gave it to you in unlit corridors and midnight trips that had your adrenaline spiking.

Scott lasted longer than anyone else. They didn’t consider him important enough to pay attention to and he never gave them any chance of doing it. He was, what you wanted to believe, your first love. Or what it felt like anyway, love was scarce and so you clung onto whatever he offered.

There was a home in Scott that you wanted to keep alive. You found solace in his flustered repetitions and occasional cheesy magic trick. He made you laugh, and it lit up his face when you leaned over and kissed him gently.

When you got the news that he was killed in a heist gone wrong, you didn’t feel anything for days. The man who broke the news to you looked at you with undertones of pity.

Everyone knew it wasn’t an accident.

You didn’t bring it up with Ransone and simply ignored it when he called it a good riddance even though he would be missed. If you listened to everything he said, you were afraid that you would just kill him.

It was excruciating. You didn’t have anyone to talk to. Only Ransone, as he kept reminding you.

“I’m the only one who cares about you, Buttercup,” he cooed and you clenched your eyes shut. “We’re family.”

No more relationships happened after that. Occasional coworkers-with-benefits but nothing that crossed that. You hadn’t had a friend in years, and Ransone was more than pleased to keep it that way. He was the only constant you’d had your entire life, willingly or not.

People were placed in your way to only inform Ransone of what new updates were in your life. Once they sent whatever information he needed his way, they’d automatically be removed. Everyone had a hidden agenda. Everyone had a specific reason to want to talk to you.

You just let them. What was the point of trying to hide it? You weren’t going to escape any time soon.

“Your only home,” Ransone reminded you, “is here with me.”

You rebelled, many times. Some looked like they would last. In the end you’d return to his dingy office for your next mission because as much as you despised him for the things he had done to you, the guilt over the things he had done for you overshone. Having him as your enemy would be worse than having his convoluted sense of love shoved down your throat until you were forced to accept him.

And that’s what it had been like until now.

You try and take in as much as you can of the house you’re standing in right now. What you used to find restrictive and a crude form of punishment, you found calming. The mundane nature of everyday life was charming.

It wasn’t a vacation, you reminded yourself. But the same feeling of emptiness returned every time you thought of your next move.

You didn’t want to leave. You didn’t want to go back to what you once thought was a home.

You’d eat a thousand dry peanut butter sandwiches over and over again for the rest of your life before even considering going back. You didn’t care for the lack of twenty-first century technology.

You were feeling things you had shoved away years ago because it wasn’t a life meant for you. Now that you were forced to live it and see what it could be like not living in a fight-or-flight mode every second, you can’t see how you ever survived this long.

But still, you had told Ransone that you were returning, and it was a promise he would expect you to uphold.

You tried to remember as much as you can of your time here. The way the sunlight feels against your skin in the morning, the sugariness of the jelly that was basically finished, the worn out tactical clothing from the wardrobe, the leather of the couch clinging to your skin as you rewatch the same three movies time and time again.

You tried to remember the first time you were introduced to the target board, and the range you and Sam had crafted together. The path to the specific tree and back on your runs and the grass that had wilted along it from contant treading.

You sat on the porch stairs for hours, leaning against the pillar for support. The first house you lived in was too loud, the second was too quiet. But this; this was just right.

Sam joined you eventually in the silence. You were grateful for the company.

“Have you decided on a day?”

You nod, looking straight ahead into the darkness. “Tomorrow.”

“You sure? Our timing has to be right.”

“Yeah.” Your voice is coarse. “I’ll have to tell him.”

He nodded, leaning his elbows on his knees. He was too tall for the stairs, looking like he was crouching instead of sitting.

His voice dropped to a whisper like it’s a secret only meant for you. “In case Ransone sees me and decides to…”

He gestured lewdly, sighing when you peer at him in confusion, “...kill me, you need to continue-”

“Stop talking,” you interrupted him quietly. You don’t even want to think about that possibility.

“It can happen. I hope it doesn’t, because it’s a waste of a perfectly good face,” he continues but you just shake your head, trying to drown him out. “Then promise me you’ll do your best to get out. This life isn’t for us, Y/N.”

“I’m not going to let you die,” you muttered. “Not this time.”

“I’m not saying I will, honey,” he continues in a hushed tone, not disturbing the silence built around you, “But it’d make me happy knowin’ that at least one of us gets a shot to live another life. And I know you make good on your promises.”

You were so tired. Of everything. Knowing that you’d be dragged back into it only made the pain sharpen.

“Scout’s honour,” you vowed. He let out a smile at the memory of the last time he used it, lifting his arm to put over your shoulder as you scoot in closer to him.

You sit like that for who knows how long. The night fell hours ago but you don’t want to let go.

“It’s gettin’ pretty late,” he commented.

“I don’t want to go.”

“You’re gonna need some energy for tomorrow.” He’s right, but you don’t want to admit it.

“It’s your turn at the bed tonight,” you evade it.

“You can have it,” he debated softly. If it was your last day there, then he’d do anything to make it the best one.

You’re stuck by an idea but you weren’t sure how he’d react. It wouldn’t be a big deal on the surface but you hadn’t ever done it before.

“Would you maybe-” you trail off.

“We can share,” he finished your thought, pulling you a little closer. You needed comfort. He knew that.

“Thank you,” you whisper.

He only pressed a kiss to your temple, letting you sit out for as long as you needed.

Calm.

The woods provided excellent coverage while also giving him a clear sight of the house. The two of you sat on the porch together, speaking quietly to each other, out of earshot.

It didn’t matter what you were saying now. He had already heard what he needed to hear.

“Get ready,” the agent said hushedly into the intercom, “they’re leaving tomorrow.”

Next part

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samuclit · 3 years

Text

Love Foolish

miya atsumu x reader

tags: angst, hurt/comfort, established relationship, mature, a little smut (define little on your own), 7.8K words

Summary: Miya Atsumu didn't realise that he was actually counting the days he spent with you while being your boyfriend. The step-process to how your relationship with him rekindles every time a new day begins was not as apparent as it seems to be, but he sure knew that the dreaded day when it comes to an end will never come.

This is an old piece that I worked on last year...I am terribly sorry for the way I post this fic I am not good with tumblr yall this is harder than my degree

........................

Day 153

Atsumu was exhausted. He just got back from training with the college team for a few weeks already. He needs to catch up with the college team even though the time he spent away was used for his training with the MSBY Black Jackals team. He was advised by his family members, team coach and his friends that he should not miss out on any practice without a valid reason and should diligently claim his spot on both teams with the most outstanding effort and attitude so he followed, believed that this is for the best in order to build his volleyball career he was always so passionate about since he was in middle school. If only Osamu joins him, he thinks it won’t be as draining as it is right now.

Everyone in college knows Miya Atsumu, he is too perfect. The handsome look, tall and built figure, his diligence in both studies and shaping his career, to top it all off he is charming and is a ladies’ man. He could make every girl fall for him the instant he flashes his smirk that has been scientifically proven to be a bait for everyone in this universe. One small talk he could get girls on his bed, spending the whole night snogging off each other and leaving them whenever he got annoyed with the sudden disturbance. You happen to be one of the girls who got in his bed, goes on several dates with him, but this time you were one of the people who last longer than a week, and then a month and few more months after that. He assumes and waits for you to be the one ending the relationship but it won’t even come, and he is already tired of waiting.

So, he makes you tired. He doesn't want anything to be on his way at all, and you in the equation is making him disturbed at some times. During the first few weeks of dating, you often invite him for a date at the coffee shop which he obliges only for the reason to not break your feelings even though he has some tasks which are more important at hand. You are nice, but he isn’t. He told Suna that you deserve better.

It has also been roughly two weeks since he last talked to you, and deep in his heart he kind of wants your nagging presence around him, just to distract him from the truckload of stress he’s carrying on his shoulders. So he texted you.

You: [Name], are ya coming or not. Been thinking of binging that Netflix series you’ve been babbling about.

[Name]: Ah sorry, it’s girls’ night with Midori and her gf.

You: I see. Have fun.

Seen.

That’s weird. You said it yourself that you wanted to binge on the weekends with him, after he finished with this practice for the week, and also he thinks that’s just you trying to make up with him after your first argument with him. It is...nobody’s fault, he thinks. He doesn’t want to blame himself and you, partially because you were really upset that day that you raised your voice and he didn’t chase you after you ran out of the apartment. It is just a silly argument. He doesn't want to think about it that much.

As he took a shower and dressed himself in a fresh new pair of t-shirt and black sweatpants, he plopped himself on the sofa and went through Netflix to find something worth watching. He saw the show you wanted to watch ; Pretty Little Liars. Ah it’s not even a Netflix series, it’s just a series which is available on Netflix. Seems like he wasn’t even attentive to what you said.

Before he falls asleep, he walks down the memory lane, to remember how exactly you and Atsumu could last this long in a relationship.

Day 0

The party seems to be a hit! His seniors on the volleyball team joined hands with the football team to conduct a party to celebrate post-sports festival of Tokyo U that happened for a week long and the party is held at the dorms outside of the campus so the board of education won’t meddle, with the promise that there aren’t drugs involved. Which is okay, the athletes are supposed to stay away from drugs and they’re disciplined enough to consider their life decisions.

He was simply just hanging around in the living room of the dorm, which is a terrace house in a neighbourhood a few kilometres away, talking to his friends, Suna and Komori, who are his teammates in the college team. Komori used to go to the same Youth Camp with Atsumu so they knew each other since then. “Huh, sick party. I didn’t think there would be too many people here.” Komori said as he chugs down his cold beer, swaying a little after he finishes with a slightly long chug. “Senpai said just the athletes of the college are invited, but it seems like the whole campus crashed together. Lunatics.” Atsumu said as he plopped down on the bean bag and leaned his head back. Suna calls out.

“Oi, Midori is here. I invited her.” Atsumu is familiar with Midori, he has never been close with her but he knows of her since they went to the same high school together. The three pairs of eyes went towards the door together to greet Midori, with you tailing behind her. “Hey, glad ya made it!” Suna lunges forward and grabs Midori in a hug. “Yeah, cool place, I’m sorry I don’t have a plus one to bring with so I just drag my friend along. Hey, this is [Name]. Go say hi and be friends!” Midori pushed the other girl, which he heard to be [Name], also a familiar name. “Oh wait...you guys must have not have known about her...we went to the same school man...” Midori pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. It is sad that not many people know about small girls like [Name] that much.

Indeed, you went to the same school and you’re in a completely different league than Atsumu, he was and still is the famous athlete that has the entire girls’ population wrapped around his fingers. You’re around the circle of...top scorers who are active in volunteers and some other stuff Atsumu was not into. “Oh, is she another one of your hockey teammates?” you continue hiding behind Midori’s taller frame. Midori pulled you away and hugged your waist, giving support. “Come on now, babe say hi, they’re our friends” you glared at her with a smug look. “Hye, it’s [Name]. I’m not an athlete, I’m a political science major, pleasure to meet ya” your eyes tried to glance from Suna to Komori and to Atsumu but you averted your eyes away from him as soon as it landed on him. You look cute in just a rock concert t-shirt with black jeans shorts and plain converse. Classic party look, but you are not the type to go to parties because...assignments and stress are getting through you which explains why you’re all fidgety. Midori knows there’s more to that, cause you’re a very wild extrovert at some time.

“Hey, enjoy the party, drinks and snacks are down there, the toilet is on another end, help yerself.” Atsumu pats on your shoulder and moves past you to greet his other friends who crashed the party. You’re petrified, to say the least and moved quick on your heels to head to the bathroom for some reality check. The environment is overwhelming.

Atsumu gets tired easily even after downing a can of beer but he isn’t exactly drunk. He is just tired with the lots of conversations and the girls from other courses trying to talk to him, wanting the conversation in a bedroom which he said no to, he is a responsible man. He is not going to do it with them when in their drunken stupor. However, his endless denials are stopped with a sudden disturbance right in front of him.

Midori is on a couch, with a girl and was playing with her hair and occasionally rubbing her thigh and before they closed in someone threw a beer cup at Midori. “What the hell? Leave me alone!” Midori turned his body to see a bulked up guy whose name Atsumu doesn’t remember behind the couch, looming over the two figures sitting on the couch. It’s going to get ugly.

“What the fuck, you leave us alone! Why the hell are homos here. Get out!” Midori and the poor girl trembles in fear and Atsumu wants to blow a kick so bad but he can’t move because of the girls that are around him. Before he tried to push the girls away, he saw you moving towards him, taking away the beer can he has in his hands. “I’m sorry I’m taking this!” Your eyes had a small fire ignited in it and he can’t help but gave away his beer can, and then he saw you walking up on the couch and on to the head rest, spit into the beer and pours the beer all over the homophobic guy who slandered your friend. The guy was drenched and screamed because the beer was icy cold and it came to contact with his skin that got heated from way too much alcohol consumed.

“Oh, I am very sorry, I was convinced that this big hunk of muscle is a trash can!” you screamed with an evil laughter and the whole party laughed and cackled at the sight of the giant asshole from Engineering talking shit about the woman adored by the majority of campus. Midori is your best friend, a very kind, beautiful and valid lesbian friend of yours. You would do anything to protect her from the touch of homophobic devils that would insult her every now and then. It has been happening more recently after she got out of the closet, even when she was inside all this time, you have always given her tons of support and protection because it’s just something about you. Midori was already smiling and got herself up away from the sofa with the girl she was with, hands holding hers tightly.

“You punk! Are ya crazy? Do ya want me to kill ya like I kill your friend here?” your figure who had one leg propped on the head rest while the other on the couch went tense and is about to fall and the nasty asshole grabbed you by the neck, having you lifted in the air and no one helped to stand against him except Midori who was pulling your body before the guy fully grasped your entire neck in his hands. Before he even pressed harder on your throat, Atsumu landed a punch on his face, making himself knocked down on the floor. You already fell flat on the couch, trying to regain your breath. He warns the guy off and he immediately leaves after.

“Shit shit, are you okay?” Atsumu kneels on the floor to check up on you, who were lying on the couch, still coughing out and trying to calm down. Midori ran to get some water for you. “I’m fine, fine, where's Midori? Is she okay?” Midori hit you in the arm. “Idiot. I am fine but look at you, I told you I’m alright, if you give them attention and piss them off they will harm you, look what happened.” Midori cries and hugs you. Atsumu checked up on your face, saw tiny drops on the edge of your eye which got wiped away the instant Midori wrapped her arms around you. “I told you I will always protect you okay, I promised you that” Midori looked at your face again and was still sobbing. She turns towards Atsumu who stood by them. Suna and Komori arrived in the space after making sure the guys had run off. The party went back to normal and it’s chaos again.

“Thank you, Atsumu, if it weren’t for you, I don’t know what would happen to the both of us.” The girl from before is rubbing her hands on Midori’s back trying to calm her down. “No, [Name] did the most fight, I only come in when it gets physical. I let ya know when I see that guy again I am going to beat the living shit out of him. Nasty jackass.” Atsumu’s rage calms down when he sees you and Midori laugh, finally he makes a safe space for you and her. After some minutes of calming down and talking and giggling Midori takes the cue to leave. “I think I need to go now, need to take some air, you should, too, babe. Love you” Midori hugged and left with the girl she was with the entire time during the party.

Atsumu has long left you and Midori alone when you were busy talking to her, so he goes away somewhere to talk with some of the boys from the football club. They heard something about how that guy is a maniac and has been expressing his hate crimes for several years now, basically a loser and Atsumu thinks his sucker punch is something he could take pride in. After he saw Midori take off with the girl he saw you heading towards the door that linked to the backyard. More people were there, some were laying on the ground doing some unnecessarily lewd stuff that Atsumu does not want to remember.

He saw you taking a seat on one of the stools that was set up for guests to sit. He brought a can of beer, intended to give you. As he approaches you were rubbing around the area on your throat which the bully from before had pressed on. You were still in pain. “Hey, needa drink?” Atsumu hands over the beer while he sits down on the stool next to you. “Ah, I’m sorry I don’t...drink around guys. Trust issues.” Atsumu furrowed his eyebrows and he finally got what you were trying to say. “Oh, I totally get it, I’m sorry.” You were a flustered mess. You didn’t intend to actually...reject a kind offer from him but it’s a strange new place and strange new environment, though you knew Atsumu from high school to be quite a decent person that you– “[Name]? Are ya okay? Ya were about to say something earlier?” “Oh, yeah. You don’t have to apologise, we can just go for drinks some other times'' you let out a small laugh and he smiles. Awkward.

“Ya don’t have to worry about that guy, I heard someone is going to report him to the dean. He’ll be out in no time” you smirked. “Good! Midori must be happy”. The both of you laughed and the conversation continued randomly, topics about his volleyball activities and you popping in some random thoughts about life to him, it makes him feel weird at first but he picks up after quite some time.

And the night goes with you spending your night with him on his small bed in the apartment he shared with his other friends. Kisses are littered all over your body and Atsumu leads you through your first intimate session with so much ease and gentleness. He left an especially passionate kiss on the neck that tells the stories of your fight and trauma, hoping that he could kiss it away and replace it with the memories of your first. “Are ya really sure about this?” Atsumu asked at one point when you were making out with him on his lap just right after he got you in his room. “Please, do what you want” and Atsumu continues to ravish you and pulls on every article that trapped your beautiful untouched body.

The morning he woke up, you were sleeping soundly, despite the uncovered chest you had on display cause you fell asleep after the second round of fucking you had no chance to clean up or put on a shirt. The messy hair and arousing look you had on aside, you look too peaceful to be on someone’s bed, someone who you have known for a long time but have only gotten close from an impromptu encounter so Atsumu threw the plans of getting out of bed aside and continues watching the small details on your face. He would pick up the falling strands of your hair and tucks it behind your ear, trailing his fingers on the swollen lips you had after making out with him the entire night. He enjoys your presence. He likes it, being with you, so this is all worth it.

As your eyes fluttered open, squinting because of the bright sun, which was now covered by Atsumu’s hands to help you get back to sleep without the disturbance. You woke up anyway. “Atsumu, what are ya doing?” you asked, trying to pull the blanket that barely covers your naked front. “Just letting a princess continue her peaceful sleep” you were blushing, it feels like a dream to wake up with Atsumu next to you, so you lean into him more and he tackles you under the sheets. As Atsumu closes in again, about to kiss you like he did the previous night before, your eyes widened and you pushed him away, rolling out of bed naked. You pulled the blanket to cover yourself and scrammed to find your underwear and outfit from last night. “Fuck, fuck I’m late shit I gotta go” you were clasping your bra and putting on your underwear as you continue with your series of cuss words picked up at random. “What’s going on are you okay? Was it–“ you put on your jean shorts and looked at him. “No-no I’m late to a group discussion and I am going to die I think.” You already had your phone in hand with your bag in hand running to the door. Atsumu put on his sweatshirt and training shorts in a haste, offering to give you a ride.

“Hey, I can help ya get to yer spot with my car. Don’t have ta rush'' you gaped and mumbles thousands of gratefulness and lunges forward to hug but stopped yourself. In the car you were on a phone call with one of the people in your group and you immediately spilled the idea you had in mind in a heartbeat. Atsumu has been driving nowhere so he stops and parked his car at the parking space of the nearby McDonald’s. After several arguments and reasons to have your opinion accepted you finally heaved a relief and ended the call with another apology.

“Yer quite a persistent one aren’tcha?” you looked at him, face messy, unclean and tired. The post-sex glow seems to not work with everyone. “Yeah, there’s an event and I’m in charge. I was so caught-off guard. Pretty sure they will kick me out if they don’t accept my idea but guess not!” you laughed and smiled gleefully. Pure satisfaction whenever people acknowledge us. Atsumu understood that much. “So...since you don’t have to go...breakfast?” Atsumu points his thumb to the back of the car, which was the entrance to the McDonald’s. “No...I stink so much...but I am hungry so....drive-thru?” Atsumu smiles and puts down the handbrake. “Sure thing, princess”.

After you both got your respective breakfast meal set, Atsumu takes off to the lake and brought you together with him to eat on the benches. Atsumu enjoys the company as much as you did. What starts off with a random conversation of how the duck is limping, to talking about the fluffiness of the poodle someone took for a walk turns into a conversation about each others’ personal lives.

“If anything, virginity is a social construct to put down women, so if you think last night is fun just because of that, I am going to berate your entire existence” you warn him, mouth full with the breakfast muffin. “Sure, what’s fun about last night is that you’re hot and I like you.” Atsumu closes in, trying to make you feel more flustered. “You...like me?” you were blushing and he guessed that his classic method works. “Can say that, I don’t usually have breakfast with people I sleep with, so I think that’s how I know.” You scoffed as his smug smile grew wider. “Oh you’re quite a cheesy one. So, this isn’t just a one time thing?” you looked over to him. He said no and continued kissing you like he meant it.

Days after that, the dates are frequent, spending the night in his apartment is a routine, watching movies is a norm and the intimate sessions get more interesting for the past few months, he thinks he needs to tell you all about his fantasy and you told him yours and both wishes are fulfilled.

Day 150

Atsumu woke up from the nap, the movie was already finished by then. He reached for his phone which was ringing non-stop. He's going to puke his brains out. Midori was the one calling him. There are around 7 missed calls coming from Midori.

“Oi pisshead, your girlfriend’s drunk. Come and pick her up.” Atsumu looks at the time

10.50

“Didn’t last that long?” Atsumu giggles. Midori snapped.

“I’m being serious. She gets crazier now you need to pack her up. I can’t because my girlfriend is as shit-faced drunk right now.” Midori starts to call out your name to get off the table. Whatever that happened it must have been really shitty what’s going on down there at the bar.

“Okay, just text me the address I’m on my way” Atsumu took his wallet and car keys with him, all fresh to fetch your drunk ass home.

As soon as he arrived he stormed to the booth which you and Midori sat at. You were already lying down on the couch, fast asleep and giggling as you sleep. “Okay you’re here. I’m going home with my girlfriend so you take care of her properly.” Midori sat herself at the couch you were sleeping on. “[Name].....I’m going now so take care okay! Love you goodnight!” you were whining so loudly at her. “Nooooo....Midoriiiii-chan I am going to miss you don’t leave me” you were pouting and whining and hug Midori to prevent her from going. Atsumu stood at the side watching the mess unfold. “Your boyfriend is here to pick you up! Goodbye!” Midori dragged her girlfriend away and got out of the bar.

“Midori’s good at lying. There’s no way my boyfriend cares ‘bout me” Atsumu covers his face in shame because the other customers at the bar are looking at you. “Who are ya...are you a stranger? Can I call you Mr Stranger? You look handsome.” You giggled and Atsumu laughed at your cuteness. This is certainly a new side to you, he has never seen you turn into a giant ball of fluff before. “Okay now cmon Miss [Name] let’s get ya home.” Atsumu swooped your legs in his right hand while the other supported the small back of your body. Your eyes are still squinting which must be the reason why you can’t recognise Atsumu yet.

“I miss my boyfriend Mr Stranger. I want to see him...please take me to see him pleassseeeee.” You buried your face in his chest and held on to the cotton string of his hoodie. “Oh yeah? Is he really that handsome?” he puts you in the passenger seat and buckles your seatbelt. “He is! His hair colour is a bit funny, Midori said it makes it look like he bathed in piss” Atsumu got that too many times already. “But in my very personal point of view, it is kind of biased, he rocks that look. He looks hot!” Atsumu blushed and proceeded to head to the driver’s seat. It’s you and your habit of expressing too many opinions again. He liked this one. He also misses your constants chit chat after a whole month of not talking to each other because of a petty argument. He admits that he misses you so much, but a jerk like him won’t admit it. He’s going to break up with you anyway.

As he continues driving he would listen to what you said about ‘your boyfriend’ and he would sometimes smirks and whispers an ‘I know’ and sometimes it is too loud you caught him in the act. The night drive seems fun with you, and he figures you are still too drunk and even with too much talking your body stays the same. You fell asleep at some point, when he is close to the apartment you resided in. He found out after quite some time that Midori moved into her girlfriend’s apartment so now you live alone.

Even after he arrives at the apartment complex he lets you take some time to sleep, and as time passes by and it’s getting later into the night, he shakes your shoulder to wake you up.

“Hey, [Name], we’re here.” Atsumu smiles as you yawn and stretches your limbs.

“Mr Stranger? I have a secret. Can I tell you...I’m afraid to tell anyone.” You said after some time. Atsumu had no idea what to do. So he just played along. “Yeah, I promise I will keep it.” Atsumu laughs and looks at you.

“I think my boyfriend doesn’t love me. I kind of got the gist of it for a long time...but...now I am convinced. I think...the next time I see him, will be the last time I see him. And I–I don’t wanna” you cried immediately, you were sobbing too hard and you covered your face with the both of your palms. Atsumu is shattered especially, what you said was true. He might break it off when time comes, but seeing your heart broken and giving up the usual happy and chaotic smile and laughter you had because of the thought of breaking up with him, he felt like his heart was going to jump out of his chest. So he asked further. He needs to know more, he needs to know why. Why do you catch up to what he was thinking so fast?

“W-why is it?” Atsumu choked on his breath. His heart was thumping so loudly, and it was beating off the charts. “He seems to not want me around...I tried my best to give him space, time for himself but....he never wants a time wimme....and then...I-he-he don’t want to see me even when he is free”. You continue crying in the silent car, Atsumu wanted to reach your hands but he knew that would be such an asshole thing to do since he is the one causing this mess. Atsumu got out of the car and opened the door from your seat. “Hey hey let’s get you to your apartment okay?” Atsumu unbuckled the seat belt and you kept on crying, you pulled on his sweater and gripped it so tightly and wailed like a baby into his chest. He sighed and embraced you in a tight hug, calmly rubbing the small of your back trying to calm you down.

After quite some time only the sniffles could be heard. You start talking again. “You know...I’d rather see him happy even if it means I need to break up with him. Ah I’m so dramatic for no reason. Can you help...carry me to my apartment, Mr Stranger?” you pulled away from his hug, makeup ruined and eyes red. Atsumu smiled and nodded at you. “Of course, I’ll carry you.” He carried you in a manner when he hugs your tiny body to carry you to the bed during one of those nights he needed a release. This closeness to your warm body, and the earlier event that happened of you confessing to a complete stranger about him, he is regretting it.

Day 125

Atsumu just got home from South Korea. He was there for a training camp with the home team there because one of his coach from the MSBY Black Jackals used his connections with an old friend to conduct a camp for them to further polish the players’ skill in the said sport. It would be a great chance for him to bloom more than how he is after his successful debut as a Div. 1 League player.

He was simply relaxing around after two days and Osamu was cooking plenty of food for the gang. Osamu invited some friends of his, and Suna brought his girlfriend with him. Komori was there too, with his cousin. When Osamu asked if he was going to invite you, Atsumu shrugged and said no, he wants to relax without you around. Even if you are around you would never go that far to make him uncomfortable. He still hasn’t called you yet even when he landed in Tokyo two days before.

“Atsumu, didn’t ya miss yer girlfriend? Just tell her to come over.” Osamu said from the kitchen, bringing a pot of stew he made for the gang and putting it on the table. “Nah, she didn’t even know I’m in Tokyo.” Everyone in the living room looks at him. “Miya you’re kinda an asshole for that” Komori said as he passed a bowl to Suna and his girlfriend. “Cmon now don’t look at me like I’m a criminal or sumn...I just want to relax I’ll tell her later.” Atsumu scoffed and leaned his back to the sofa as he was sitting on the carpet.

“Are you...joking. She came by practice the other day, said she can’t reach you.” Sakusa said as he put down his mask aside and dug in. Atsumu knew that. He purposely ignored your text and calls and only left a message when you’re offline or when he knows you were sleeping. He doesn't want distractions. “Yer a prick, [Name]’s really nice and ya can’t see that. If ya got issues just break up already.” Suna speaks and his girlfriend agrees. “Yeah for real, if Rintarou had issues I know he is going to leave my ass in the streets. But I’m glad he has no problems. As a woman I will honestly kick you in the ass, ya know, that woman with woman solidarity.” Suna kissed his girlfriend on the cheek and Atsumu scoffed. “I know, I just don’t know the right time yet.” Komori already mumbles a series of cuss words, Osamu and Suna sigh and Suna pulls his girlfriend back from kicking Atsumu in the face. Sakusa heard a doorbell and reached for the door now to open.

“[Name]?” Sakusa screams in shock. Speaking of the witch. Well, you’re not a witch, you’re the sweetest person ever that happens to be Atsumu’s unlucky girlfriend. “Hey Sakusa-san! Nice to see you! I brought something!” you waltzed in the door and headed to the kitchen you’re already familiar with. Atsumu felt his guilt eating his insides. Who the fuck called you here?

Komori puts his phone up so Atsumu can see. Komori smirks at him and Atsumu flashes out the middle finger to him. Sakusa mumbles and points at Atsumu, he said somewhere along the lines of you solve this on your own, Miya!

Osamu headed to greet you first. “Hey Osamu, I brought some home made dorayaki for you and Atsumu. You guys love it right?” Osamu smiles and thanked you endlessly. You smiled but as you looked at the awkward little Atsumu behind Osamu you stopped smiling. He headed towards you and Osamu knows it’s his cue to leave the both of you in the kitchen.

“Hey, how’s South Korea?” Atsumu sat on the chair of the kitchen island. “Twas good. The food there, they’re amazing.” You hummed. “Glad you enjoyed it. Maybe I would know more if you actually answer my calls and texts about how busy you are and tell me when you arrived. But it seems like you don’t miss me that much.” You sighed.

“[Name], I’m just...I’m sorry I need time for myself I’m so tired.” You looked at him, sad and gloom covering your whole body like the dark blue cardigan you had around you. “Tired of me or of practice?” you asked and reached for the tips of his fingers. “That’s–that’s not it, okay. Please give me some time.” Atsumu pleaded, you flinched when he suddenly glared at you.

After some time, you released a deep breath and headed to the door. “Enjoy the dorayaki guys, I hope I don’t interrupt you guys. I’m sorry and please take care of Atsumu for me.” You opened the door and headed out. Atsumu is still in his seat. When the door was slammed he got up and sat himself back on the carpet around his friends. He picks up his chopsticks and pulls the omelette Osamu made. Everyone was staring at him.

“Eat your food and stop staring at me.” Atsumu rolled his eyes and ate more food on the table. “Ya don’t even want to chase her?” Osamu asked from beside him. “Nope.” Komori scoffed.

“Just want you to know she got here by bus alone. I don’t know if it helped change your mind.” Komori said and drank his cold lemon tea he poured for himself. Atsumu stopped chewing and clenched his jaw, looking at Komori.

“The one who ruined lunch is you, Atsumu.” Suna’s girlfriend said and Suna agreed. So does everyone else.

You don’t leave a text to Atsumu to the day he picked you up from the bar. He only texted you because he wants to end the relationship.

Day 153

Atsumu still has you in his arms. You’re already asleep, face still drenched with tears. He struggled with the pin to your apartment but picks up after a while of thinking. It is his birthday.

Atsumu realised he is a bigger asshole than how he was minutes ago in the car as he remembered that he had never come to your apartment. Months of relationship it was always his place as you always preferred his place over yours and he thinks that maybe if he was the one giving in more effort to be the one going all the way to your apartment to spend time with you, he would have felt better about himself. Normal dates outside are very rare aside from lunch or a quick grab of coffee before classes because he was too busy with his practices and you with your duties as a political science student.

He carried you to what he assumed to be your bedroom, carefully putting your body on the bed, taking off the leather jacket you had with you, slowly dragging the thick comforter to cover your shivering body. After shuffling in the kitchen, looking to find some aspirin and a glass of water for you to gargle right after you woke up he put it on the desk at your bedside.

He saw a picture of you and Midori on the table, during graduation day. Midori carried you on her back while you threw a peace sign with tongue out and Midori making a disgusted face. He laughs at it, putting it back to where it belongs, carefully.

You had a lot of other pictures pasted on the wall, the one that faces you when you sit on your study table. The notes and thick books are messily arranged on the shelf, a succulent that says ‘Good Job!’ on the table standing cutely, possibly the one that kept you up during the late night study sessions. He never really checked up on you and your studies, how did you manage to be so strong on your own without a supportive boyfriend, he doesn't know.

And then he saw the pictures you hung neatly. He took the pictures one by one and saw some notes you scribbled on the back of the photograph.

First, a picture with your parents. You talked about them at some time because you’re their only daughter and you missed them as much as they missed you. One time when you were making out with Atsumu your parents called and you pushed him away to answer the phone call. So funny how you got so innocent and angel-like just right after doing some lewd stuff with Atsumu just with the voice of your parents on the phone. At the back of the picture, it wrote.

Secured the top-scorer title with a scholarship! Mommy and Daddy are proud of me and I will never stop!

The second picture is of you and Midori at a pride parade. This time you wore a white t-shirt with blue jeans and sneakers and you looked absolutely mesmerizing.

Pride with Midori. I am so happy for her!!

Some other pictures of you at an animal shelter, old folks home, in the streets, caring for homeless people, women’s march and marathon for cancer awareness. You were basically everywhere and it is what makes him regret not finding out about this side of you. All he does is talk about his talent in volleyball and you always make him feel the best that he never gave a chance for you to talk about yourself.

Atsumu can’t stop the stretch of his smile and it is making his jaw sore. He is so whipped for you. You have always been such a caring person to him, doing your best to take care of him when game losses make his sour mood make a nasty comeback.

He would cry in a phone call because he messed up his set and you arrived in his room, dropping your bag to hug him and lull him back to sleep. He cries so hard and you would never make him cry worse than he did, you were always comforting but his pride and selfishness would forget that in a day because he thinks the relationship you had with him is a waste.

Atsumu is a fool. He didn’t realise how much his confusion hurts you more than it hurts himself. He is such a fool for not being there to protect you. The thought of you crying minutes earlier makes him scream in his heart, he doesn't ever want to see it again. If he made that happen again he will never forgive himself and if he has to build a shrine and be a monk to make sure his sins are forgiven he would do it. He would do anything for you.

The last picture hid him the hardest.

It was him, and you, during his debut game as MSBY Black Jackals setter.

You had your body leaned into his arm, smiling wide with a bouquet of flowers for him in your hand. He was staring at the camera with a lazy smirk, hands encircling your waist. It was sweet, and you look very cute standing next to him, in his embrace like that. A sight so beautiful. It is a shame when he remembers what exactly happened that night.

It was a very joyful day for Atsumu and for you but Atsumu didn’t even tell you about the match, you were only informed of the game because of Komori so the ticket you got is because Osamu gave up his ticket for you. He is tired of seeing Atsumu play volleyball and he can see it on his phone if he wants so he just gave it to you, saying you deserve it better. Even when you’re not informed about the game, you still showed up in the cutest little dress with the cutest little smell and the cutest bouquet of baby breath flowers for him.

Atsumu is not fond of flowers. He is not fond of surprises either. When you showed up on the court, congratulating him, he was shocked. He was busy talking to fangirls and kids who love volleyball until you call out his name with so much pride.

“Atsumu aaaa I am so proud of you! You worked so hard for this and I am sorry I don’t know of this sooner.” You hugged him and pat his back when you hugged him. Eyes glistening as you pulled away. Said the cries are happy tears. You told one of the passers-by to take a picture of you and Atsumu, resulting in the small piece of photography in his hand.

Later that night he went with his team and celebrated the debut together with them while you took off to your apartment, barely making it to the last bus of the night to get there safely, wishing you were with Atsumu in his car instead.

He turned the picture over. There is a long note there.

Might be the first ever picture with Atsumu, like ever. Nonetheless I am so happy and so proud of him it made my jaw hurt so much as I write this. I can’t stop smiling!!! I hope I can attend more of his games, more to his success, more time with him. I feel like I am the happiest person alive! I feel like one of the fantasy film protagonists where the person they have loved for a long time is within their arms, finally! I am so happy to have known Atsumu since the beginning days of school, how his charming and cunning personality, inspiring and charismatic figure would walk down the hallways of Inarizaki, I will always fall for him over and over again. I love him so much, and even if it takes a thousand years to wait for him I will always wait. Praying that this essay reaches the Gods because I love him too much, I don’t even want to let him go. I love Miya Atsumu, and I hope he feels the same thing too.

Atsumu pasted the picture back on the wall, turning off the study lamp and closing the door as he walked out. He sat on the couch in the living room, only having the kitchen light to illuminate the entire apartment. As he sat there, tears rolled off his eyes and loud sobs spilled out of his mouth.

He realised he is such a foolish man, living in a complete lie with an angel from heaven taking care of him despite getting paid dust in return. He cried so hard he took the pillow next to him and cried himself to sleep.

Day 154

If it is not for the bubbling and disturbing feeling in your stomach, you wouldn’t have gotten up and run to the bathroom to puke your guts out, but here you are. Smelling so stinky you just take a shower along the way. Fresh out of the shower in clean new clothes you saw a tall glass of water with your birth control pills right beside it. After downing the glass of water you headed to the kitchen to grab an aspirin to calm down the throbbing pain of your chest.

What you found instead is the sight of Atsumu, wearing an apron on top of his white t-shirt. It has been way too long since you have last seen him, and you didn’t expect to encounter him in your apartment, let alone him in the kitchen, preparing a breakfast for two. “Atsumu! What are you doing here!” you screamed audibly to him and got to the table to see a tray of rice and a bowl of soup on the table.

“Ah, ya woke up earlier than I thought ya would, was intending to make breakfast on bed like in that one cheesy film you love so much.” You blushed. You headed to the cupboard and popped the aspirin into your mouth with the assistance of the barley tea Atsumu prepared for you.

As you sat down awkwardly, he pulled out the rice bowl and put the tray in the sink and scooped another bowl of rice and soup for himself. He prepared a hearty meal for two, a miso soup to help you sober down and ease the gut after rounds of alcohol shots dumped in your body.

Right, you were drunk last night. “So why are you here?” you asked after spooning out the final drop of the miso soup. “You remember nothing at all?” Atsumu asked. “Wait...so...Midori didn’t lie?” you asked again. Just realising that Midori already told you that your boyfriend was there.

“Oh my god...how much did I say?” you pressed your palms on your face and dropped them to your lap. Atsumu smiles.

“You said a lot! You said too much that it made me learn a lot.” Atsumu reaches your hands the moment it gets on to the table. He clasped it with care and so much gentleness even when his hand is calloused and rough from the intense training for so many days in a week.

Atsumu sighs and hangs his head low. “I just realised that all this time, our relationship is one-sided” you gasped and the grip on his hands gets tighter. “I...took you for granted. I never gave you a comfort space to live in, a shoulder to cry on, and I have never...expressed my feelings for you.” You were trembling and Atsumu fully connected your fingers with his, interlacing it together hoping that neither of you will let it go.

“All this time you were always there for me, no matter what I was struggling with, no matter the time and place you would rush and hug me and tell me that it will be okay but I let you cry on your own whenever you deal with the same problem. I made a big mistake, and I swear to my life that I will make it up to you.” You got up from your seat and went to the sink along with your empty bowls. Atsumu got there too, hugging you from behind.

“I am so sorry for being late, I love you. I love you so much that it hurts when I see you get hurt because of me.” Atsumu hugged you like he would make you dissolve in his body, it was so tight and warm and comforting it felt like home.

Miya Atsumu is your home. You are his home. And so he kisses your hair, your neck, your shoulders to make sure you won’t disappear before him, to tell you that what he said is true.

You turned around. Holding his head in your hands.

“Atsumu, I love you too, and I missed you so much.” You smiled as the tears dropped, and Atsumu thinks this sight of yours hurts him as much as it makes his heart feel warm. It was a mixed feeling, but he knows that the perfect moment is right there, he holds your waist and your neck and kisses you on the lips with so much need and passion, to tell you that he loves you.

Your hands went to wrap itself on his neck, occasionally stopping by to run your hair through the blonde locks you love so much. He kisses in deeper and languid motion; it makes your head drowsy, worse than what the alcohol did to you but the sensation is nice. The alcohol was bitter and you hated it, this kiss tastes sweet and flavourful and you love it.

Atsumu continues while he carries you towards the bedroom he left you in alone last night, slowly putting your body on the messy bed who still has the scent of you from last night. It is supposed to gross you out but Atsumu is making it harder for you to breathe so nothing really matters, and Atsumu loves the scent as much as you love his oozing warmth that makes your eyes roll to the back of your head.

He continues peppering kisses along your entire body, just like the night when you first spent together. Shirts off, pants off, underwear off. There’s nothing in the way of the both of you in the intense love-making session. Atsumu loves the way his name rolls on your tongue as he nibbles addictively on your neck, your chest and your tummy that is filled with the food he made for you, the love he had in store from his heart is delivered into you with so much ease. He plans to deliver some more as his kisses turn more passionate as the clock ticks, tongue intermingles and liquid drooling out of each other’s hot mouth.

Atsumu is already so eager to get inside you but he always has to prioritise you before him so he asked you. “Can I-can I get on with it now?” he asked, trying to recollect his breath at the same time while he looks for a particular wrapper in the drawer of your bedside table. “It’s fine, Atsumu, I’m on birth control.” You smiled at him and he smiled back, caressing your cheeks, touching your lips and tucking your hair behind your cute ears he loved to kiss so much. “You know, you mistook the birth control pills for aspirin that’s why I rummaged through the whole cupboard to look for one.” You gave him a glare so cute he continues kissing you. “My bad, baby. Can I get in now?” He asked with a teasing little smirk displayed on his stupidly handsome face.

“Yes, you can Atsumu.” You kissed him on the cheeks and hugged his neck as he entered. Inches by inches you sucked him in and he would kiss your temple to make you feel better after the stretch. The time away clearly made a lot of changes between the two of you, and it all makes this event more admirable than the ones before, because of the heartfelt confession you shared with him in the morning. All he wants to do is kiss your body like it is the only thing in this world worth worshipping. You are the most beautiful thing that ever happened in his life anyway, and he would never regret anything in his life anymore.

After the both of you peaked, he released into you, stayed there for a few minutes and took it out after he finally made your deep furrowed eyebrows disappear. You finally relax after the soothing time with your dearest one and he plopped himself next to you.

Atsumu opened his arms and you found him inside it, getting smooches here and there as he hugged you. He would play with your hair, draw stars on the naked back of yours, and you would draw circles on his chest as you listen to the small heart beat in him.

His heart was beating because of you.

“Hey, that noise in there is because of ya.” Atsumu kissed you on the forehead.

“Oh really, yer not special, Miya, listen to mine!” you said with a glare after hitting him playfully on his chest.

“Uhuh...can I kiss it? Like this?” Atsumu continues his attack on your chest and you laughed loudly as he starts skimming his fingers on your waist and your tummy. He was smiling and laughing into the attack.

Atsumu thinks that even if it is true that he is a fool, at least he is a fool that is so foolishly in love with you.

#Miya Atsumu #miya atsumu x reader #miya atsumu angst #haikyuu x reader #atsumu angst #atsumu reader #atsumu reader smut

113 notes · View notes

prettytoxicrevolver · 3 years

Text

Heartbreak | awesamdude

Requested? Nope this just helped me with my writer's block

Warnings? None?

Summary: Sam helps you through a heartbreak

Word Count: 1,816

You were certain you were going to be sad forever.

Dramatic yes, but you always had a flair for grabbing attention whenever you could. As much as you didn’t want to admit it though, you were genuinely crushed though by your break up.

You and your now ex-boyfriend Austin had spent six months together, in what you would call a whirlwind romance. He had stolen your heart pretty quickly, the two of you spending what felt like every second for the past half-year together.

Dinners, studying together, errands, dates, weekends, everything was spent together. You couldn’t believe how fast it had happened and then how fast it had ended. You were still reeling a solid week later after being ghosted for a solid two weeks and then having the relationship end with a text that said he couldn’t do this anymore.

You had taken the break up as well as anyone or any of your friends knew. You had cried and cried and cried the first few days, watching sad movies or romance movies over and over until you cursed every man to the ends of the earth for simply existing. You then ate a copious amount of your favorite comfort food accompanied by many sympathetic hugs from your mom.

By the end of the first week, you knew you had to keep going in life, but didn’t know how to cope with the breakup. So, your next resort was sad music. You were pretty certain anyone looking at your Spotify playlists was probably concerned at the number of sad songs playing on a loop but it helped to know someone else understood the pain you were going through.

“Please tell me you at least left your house today?” Sam, your best friend questions.

Sam had been your rock through this entire thing. While he hadn’t come over (at your request since you looked horrific) he still tried and coached and helped as much as possible. He texted you throughout the day, calling you at night to check up on how you felt and what you did during the day. You were definite this boy was the only good one left.

“Uhhh,” you drag out at his question looking around your trashed room and see that you probably couldn’t even make a path to your door if you wanted to through the number of clothes on the floor.

“That’s okay. There’s always tomorrow,” he reassures and you smile lightly at his positive tone.

The next day, you woke up a familiar pang hitting your chest and memories flooding you. Today was probably not going to be a good day in the break-up department. You tried though, for the sake of your best friend, and got as far as showering and eating something.

After lunch you ended up back in bed, sad Taylor Swift music on a loop and your covers pulled up to your chin. Sure, you made progress today and you could carry that momentum into tomorrow but you were pretty certain this was as far as you were getting.

Just as you snuggle into the covers, your phone dings with Sam’s special text tone and you pick it up. Your eyes scan the text and a smile creeps along your lips again.

“You can do this!! What did you eat this morning?”

You text him back, telling him about how your day is going so far and what you’ve eaten, and ask the older boy what his plans are for the day. He’s quick to text back and tells you not much is up and you leave it at that and go back to your playlist and sulking.

Sam couldn’t help but worry about his best friend and the girl he had been secretly crushing on since day one. He hated knowing you were sad and couldn’t do much more than offer words of encouragement and support. As he paces his apartment ideas wracking his brain one hits him like a freight train.

He grabs his keys and wallet, heading out the door to your house. Once there, he knocks on the door, waiting patiently for one of your family members to answer.

“Sam!” your father greets and the brunette smiles.

“Hi, Mr. (y/l/n). Is (y/n) around?”

“Upstairs in her room,” your dad says and Sam nods and thanks him before scaling his way up the stairs and towards your room.

Just before he knocks on the door, he stops upon hearing music playing inside. All Too Well by Taylor Swift blasts in your room and Sam pouts at the idea of you alone and sad in your room. He knocks on the door, waiting for your voice and when he hears you call to him he lets himself in.

When you see Sam enter your room, you sit up in bed clear confusion present in your features. Sam makes his way to you, sitting down in front of you on your bed and you pause your music.

“Hi honey,” he greets and you smile sadly.

“Hi,” you respond weakly.

Sam doesn’t say another word, just opens his arms to you in which you dive straight into. He holds you tight rubbing light circles on your back as tears flow slowly down your cheeks. He pulls back after a moment, lifting your face into his hands and wiping away your tears with his thumbs.

“You’re too pretty to cry over an idiot like him,” he tells you and your sad smile shoots straight to his heart.

“I think I loved him Sam.”

“I know baby,” he says, still focusing on your tears and not meeting your eyes. “But he’s still a jerk who hurt you and doesn’t deserve you. Don’t waste tears on that. Your tears and emotions are precious.”

You nod, sitting up and pulling yourself over to sit next to Sam. You lay your head on his shoulder and he rests a hand on your leg rubbing comfortable shapes on your thigh.

“You ready to face the world?” he whispers and you take a deep breath.

“With you? Yeah.”

Sam stands, a wide smile on his face before holding his hands out to you. He pulls you up with him before whipping out his phone and blasting music. However this time it’s the good kind of Taylor Swift that makes you feel like a bad bitch and you can dance around your room too.

Sam takes your hands in his and spins you around the room, the two of you screaming the lyrics together and the louder you are the better you feel. Sam’s hands in yours, the music blasting, and the therapeutic action of yelling Taylor Swift’s music ebbing the pain away slowly.

By the time a few songs have gone by and you and Sam are exhausted from dancing he pauses the music. He holds up a hand, heading to your closet and picking out an outfit before throwing it towards you.

“Let’s go get some dinner huh baby?” he asks and you nod not even realizing the wide smile set on your lips looking at your best friend.

He lets himself out of your room and as you get changed you can’t help the little giggle that escapes your lips thinking about Sam. Before Austin, you had the biggest crush on your best friend. It had never gone away, granted you were pretty sure it was still there the way he had your heart racing just by being in the same room as you.

He made you feel like a queen on your worst days, and like the only woman to ever walk the earth on your best days. You wish you knew if he felt the same or not knowing that if he did you’d give that man the whole world and more.

You finish getting changed, swinging your door open and Sam looks up, an awestruck smile hitting his lips. He holds out his hand and you take it letting him pull you away from the room that held utter sadness for a week now and into your utter happiness.

When you get to Sam’s car, you’re back to blasting music and singing, the two of you trading laughs, jokes, and stories like any other day and Austin has been pushed so far back in your mind you barely remember what he did in the healing presence of Sam.

“The usual?” Sam asks, pulling into both of your favorite restaurant.

You nod and the two of you get out together and head inside the crowded restaurant. You’re seated to the side of the room in a big booth that hides the two of you away from the rest of the world. As you flip through the menu uselessly, already knowing what you want, you realize Sam’s eyes are on you.

“What?” you ask.

“Nothing. You’re smiling again,” he says and you don’t even realize the grin that had set permanently on your lips since he had walked into your room.

“I’m glad to see it,” he says and you both smile, a blush covering your suddenly nervous selves before looking away.

Dinner goes by quickly, and you wonder why you didn’t call Sam earlier. The thought crosses your mind but is quickly washed away by the thump of your heart when he sends a smile your way and your feelings reverberate throughout your entire body.

You head out of the restaurant and decide to head home for the night. The ride home is easy, music flowing, conversation traded back and forth, probably the best you felt in a long time.

When you get out of the car, Sam meets you on your side and you lean against the passenger door. You stare up at him as he leans next to you, body half-turned to face you and your heart speeds up a little.

“So,” he sighs out.

“So,” you echo.

His hand comes up to push a piece of hair back, before trailing slowly down your jawline and eventually cupping your cheek. He hesitates for a moment as he turns to face you completely, his body slotting in between yours perfectly.

“Can I?” he asks quietly, his head dipping down mere inches from yours.

You nod, heart slamming in your chest and his lips finally grace yours. You come alive under his touch, one arm wrapping around his shoulder while the other grips the fabric of his shirt pulling him as close as possible. Your lips sync with ease, his body pressed against yours as you sink into his touch.

When you’re out of breath you pull away but stay close to Sam as possible. His forehead lands on yours and he pecks your lips again before pulling back just slightly to look at you.

“So,” he repeats and a smile widens on your lips a giggle escaping shortly after.

“So, wanna come inside?”

#awesamdude imagine #awesamdude x reader #awesamdude fic #dream smp imagines #dream smp x reader #dream smp fic #mcyt imagine #mcyt fic #mcyt x reader #x reader #fic #imagine #bravebesson

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wifeylouis · 4 years

Text

Louis Tomlinson writes queer love songs about the queer experience.

Louis is a prolific songwriter who has penned most of the iconic One Direction songs and has written on every single one of the songs from his debut album Walls. LGBT+ fans have always resonanted with Louis’ song writing and most of us have picked up on the very obvious queer coding. Many people seem to dismiss Louis’ outcries about his sexuality through his songs and I’m here to bring back the attention to all the gay anthems Louis has given us!

Before someone brings up the fact that Liam Payne has written on these songs too, in his own words, he focused more on melodies and Louis on the actual lyrics!

In One Direction:

1. Strong

I'm sorry if I say, "I need you" But I don't care, I'm not scared of love 'Cause when I'm not with you I'm weaker Is that so wrong? Is it so wrong That you make me strong?

Here Louis talks about not being scared of loving his partner and asks them if it's so wrong for them to be in love and to need each other. A very common thing gay people are told is that it’s wrong for us to love our significant other. Louis is trying to make his lover realise that it’s okay for them to do so, and that there's nothing to be afraid of.

Think of how much Love that's been wasted

People always Trying to escape it Move on to stop their heart breaking But there's nothing I'm running from You make me strong

Many older gay people have remained in the closet all their lives and have tried to “escape” from their truths and from who they really are, because they have been (and still are) afraid of rejection or the heartbreak they might face if they were out.

Specially back when things were even worse for the community, gay people would remain in straight marriages and even have children - take the example of Philip Schofield, the british presenter who only came out as gay this year after 27 years of marriage.

Louis, on the other hand, says that he isn’t ashamed of who he is and he isn’t running away from his true self. He knows who he loves and is proud of himself.

2. Alive

My mother told me I should go and get some therapy I asked the doctor, "can you find out what is wrong with me?

Here louis refers to how families and society often tell us that being gay is something that needs to be fixed. The “doctor” could be a reference to conversion therapy that many gay people in homophobic religious families are forced to go through. If you grow up around that mindset, you might really wonder if something is wrong with you.

She said, "hey, it's alright Does it make you feel alive? Don't look back Live your life Even if it's only for tonight" She said, "hey, it's alright If it makes you feel alive"

So the doctor tells him that it’s okay to be himself and to live his truth, love who he loves, because all that matters is doing what truly makes him “feel alive” which is being himself.

I whispered something in her ear that I just can't repeat She said, "okay" but she was worried what her friends will think She's going crazy Can't contain it She asked me, "what should I do, oh?"

Those of us who have been in a closet have at some point worried about our friends finding out, I know that I have been careful of being with another girl if there was a chance my friends would find out about it. We all know the theory that if you replace the girl in Alive with a man, the song changes its meaning. It clearly becomes a song about a guy hooking up with another man at the same party, and him worrying about what his friends would think about him being with another guy. Louis is telling him what the doctor told him: that it’ll be alright, and that he needs to do what makes him feel alive! To be who he is and to live his truth freely. I love this theory for the song because it makes so much sense!

3. Through the dark

You tell me that you're sad and lost your way You tell me that your tears are here to stay But I know you're only hiding And I just wanna see you

Here he's probably referring to a lover or a friend who was maybe afraid to accept themselves. This song reminds of Taylor Swift’s "Seven" where she sings about a friend who will no longer have to be in the closet if they leave their homophobic home and come live with her. Louis is telling a friend, who has lost their way trying to find themselves, that their true self is still there, hiding under that blanket of shame and self hatred.

You tell me that you're hurt and you're in pain And I can see your head is held in shame, But I just wanna see you smile again See you smile again

The theme of “hiding” and “shame” are obvious references to internalised homophobia and Louis is telling his friend or lover that he wants to see them happy, wants them to accept who they are. Throughout the song he reminds them that he will always be there for them and that he will support them and love them regardless of what society might say. He just wants them to be happy and to be themselves.

4. Ready to run

There's a moment when you finally realize There's no way you can change the rolling tide

All of us have had that moment when we realised we were queer, for some of us it happened at a young age and for some of us later on in life. But that moment of realisation and coming to terms with our sexuality is a shared experience for the entire community. Louis talks about that moment, about realising who he is and not wanting to change it because the truth is there and he’s accepted it.

There will always be the kind that criticize But I know, yes I know we'll be alright

As LGBT+, we face a lot of criticism from society and Louis talks about how he doesn't care about who stands against him and his lover, he knows they’ll be alright because he believes in their love.

5. End of the day

All I know at the end of the day is you want what you want and you say what you say And you'll follow your heart even though it'll break Sometimes All I know at the end of the day is love who you love There ain't no other way If there's something I've learnt from a million mistakes You're the one that I want at the end of the day

A wlw anthem! Louis really does love his sapphics and this song was easily claimed by his wlw fans. He again talks about staying true to himself and living his truth even if he might face rejection and heartbreak, he can’t change who he is. A common phrase associated with the LGBT+ community is “Love is Love”. Louis speaks on the same theme and says that nothing can change him because he knows who he loves and there’s nothing wrong with who he loves and wants. He talks about how he's not afraid of being in love with this person and he's ready to say what he wants about his lover, because he's not ashamed of his feelings in any way or form. And he’ll follow his heart even though he might be rejected.

The priest thinks it's the devil My mum thinks it's the flu But girl it's only you

He refers to the “priest” and “mom” like he did with the “doctor” and “mother” in Alive. Religion tells us that being gay is something wrong and evil, our family tells us that it’s just a phase that we will get over, and Louis talks about these elements in many of his songs. But he knows that there’s nothing wrong with his feelings, it isn’t a phase or a trend for him, he loves who he loves and there’s no other way.

7. Home

Make a little conversation So long I've been waiting So let go of myself and feel alive

Here Louis refers to the feeling of being “alive” once again. Being who he really is makes him feel like he’s truly living. He’s finally “letting go” of himself, as in coming to terms with who he is.

So many nights I thought it over Told myself I kind of liked her But there was something missing in her eyes

Louis leaked Home even though it wasn’t a single and even tweeted a little Home emoji for it! This song was quickly claimed by LGBT+ fans as exclusively for us and we even started Project Home for it. Here he talks about how he tried to make himself believe he liked this girl, but at the end of the day he knew it wasn't right and there was something missing. Most of us have tried to make ourselves believe that maybe we’re just confused, and many of us have suffered through comp-het, or giving heterosexuality one last chance before realising that something’s wrong and this isn’t for us.

I was stumbling, looking in the dark With an empty heart But you say you feel the same Could we ever be enough? Baby we could be enough

There was a point in time where he was confused, figuring out where he fell on the spectrum, he was “stumbling” through this journey of self acceptance and he found his lover along the way. Someone who told him that they felt the same way he did. This is again a common shared experience in the LGBT+ community, finding comfort in realising that there’s other members of the community around us who are like us, we are not alone in this struggle. Finding that person who felt the same way he did, was enough for him.

I see the smile as it starts to creep in It was there, I saw it in your eyes

Referencing the missing something in the girl’s eyes from before, Louis says that he’s found it in his lover’s eyes. They’re happy, they know who they are, they’ve accepted themselves. I also made a connection here with a lyric from Louis’ song Walls where he sings “Looked you in the eyes, saw that I was lost” perhaps implying he could no longer find that “something” in his lover’s eyes, he no longer feels the same way. Louis’ songs have many easter eggs and little references to eachother, it’s amazing how he’s writing a story through his songs and no matter which album or era you pick a song from, they all link with eachother and can be written down like a cohesive story. He’s a really brilliant, smart songwriter.

In his debut album Walls:

Something to note here, Louis hasn’t used a single pronoun in the entirety of Walls. Unlike the unnecessary “girl” in awkward places that were forced into One Direction songs, Louis’ debut album is a beauty, gender neutral piece that is relatable to everyone, regardless of who are partner is.

7. Too Young

Oh, I can't believe I gave in to the pressure When they said a love like this would never last

Being LGBT+ as a regular person is hard enough, but being a gay man in the homophobic music industry is near to impossible. Louis talks about the pressure and hardships he and his lover may have faced under their label and management, considering how restrictive, abusive and controlling Sony Music is, it isn’t far-fetched to think that Louis is referring to the pressure his relationship may be under because of contracts and agreements. The industry is homophobic, the artist is a product and the listeners are the consumers, and gay men in pop music aren’t exactly seen as marketable by the executives. A “love like this” is obviously referring to queer love, and being told that it’s phase that will pass, or that it won’t last because they won’t let it last.

8. Habit

I took some time 'cause I've ran out of energy Of playing someone I heard I'm supposed to be But honestly, I don't have to choose anymore

Louis talks about being tired of playing a character, hiding his true self and being someone he isn’t because thats what hes told to do. Again, this could be a reference to that “pressure” he felt in Too Young, and also an obvious reference to a closet. All of us who have been closeted before or are in the closet right now, know that our day to day public lives feel like playing a character, acting like the person society expects us to be. Straight men don’t experience this, they don’t have to play someone else because they are exactly what society expects of them already. Louis is tired of that, and doesn’t want to choose between that pressure of the hiding and being his true self.

9. Only the brave

It's a church of burnt romances And I'm too far gone to pray

Only the Brave is the last song on Louis’ debut album, and was quickly claimed by his LGBT+ fans as a second sister to home, another gay anthem. In the track by track, he says “Love is only for the brave”. Bravery and pride are two words commonly associated with the LGBT+ community, pride is an integral part of us and we are extremely brave for being ourselves and loving who we love in a society that tells us that we are wrong for doing so. Here, Louis again brings up religion and his relationship with it. This is a recurring theme in his songs. The “burnt romances” are obviously queer romances that the “church” or all religion has killed, by telling us we are wrong or evil for being who we are. Alot of gay people have a bad relationship with religion, mostly because we are so demonised by it. “Too far gone to pray” definitely refers to how gay people are told that if they pray or if they hadn’t strayed from religion they might be able to “cure” themselves. In this case he says that he can't do that anymore, because he KNOWS who he is and doesn't need religion to tell him. He’s too far gone to turn around and try to “fix” himself, instead he doesn't need that fixing at all.

And they'll say, "I told you so Come on, when you know, you know"

Something most of us have heard when we come out of the closet, is people saying “they knew all along” and this is a reference to that. It can also be interpreted as knowing who we are when the time comes. Most of us have had our gay awakening at some point in life, when that moment comes, we realise who we were all along. Louis himself has been outed multiple times in his career, once even by The Wanted, he might be referring to how people will say that they had known all along when they find out the truth about him.

Additional:

10. Just Like You

“Twenty-five and it's all planned”

Louis announced Just Like You as a song for the fans against his label’s wishes on 11th October 2017, also known as National Coming Out Day. His LGBT+ fans knew it was another outcry from him about his sexuality, reaching out to his community through his music. Here he talks about how his entire career has been planned, perhaps referring to Too Young and Habit, playing this character because he’s been forced into it, because that’s what's written down for him by the management and labels. His fans have always picked up on certain mannerisms and things he does and says that look forced, and are probably a result of controlled media training of his body language and words.

Yeah, I feel the same as you would do Same stress, same shit to go through I'm just like you If you only knew

The “you” here is the LGBT+ community. Time and time again Louis has been alienated from his own people, and through his music he reaches out to us and tells us that he’s the same, he goes through the same troubles and hardships and faces the same societal pressure that we face when it comes to being who we are and loving who we love.

I wanna lay where she lays

This is the one of the only pronouns Louis has ever used in his solo music but his fans quickly picked up on the real meaning behind it. “She” lays next to a man, and Louis might be referring to how gay men are told that men should not lie with men, and he says that if he had it his way, he could be lying where “she” is, as in next to the man, his lover.

Louis also released a beautiful lyric video for Just Like You where he added newspaper articles about various topics ranging from Black Lives Matter, racial inequality, police brutality, feminism, sexual assault and the LGBT+. There are many easter eggs and hints to pick up on in the video including a clipping of a crossed out “What is your sex” column and using a separate clipping of the letter “S” over the word “He” to form “She”, a reference to gender neutral pronouns or the “He” that he wants to lay next to.

There are many themes that are recurring in Louis’ music, specifically religion, societal pressure, having to hide and be someone society expects him to be, being told that there’s something wrong that needs to be “cured”. All of these are a common part of the queer experience, something all of us have been through and shared with eachother. That’s why Louis’ music resonantes with gay fans, because the words he writes and sings tell a story that all of us have lived, and a straight man could’nt do that. LGBT+ artists queer code through many ways, clothing, mannerisms, art, Louis does it through songwriting. He may be in a tightly controlled, restrictive situation but he has a positive outlook on life, he is proud of who he is, he constantly reaches out to fans and his community through the only way he can, his songwriting. He’s given us many gay anthems and has helped many fans, myself included, come to terms with our sexuality and accept ourselves because his music told us that it’s okay to do so. I’m grateful to Louis for giving me that acceptance and love that all of us seek through his beautiful songs. It’s time we stop invalidating Louis’ struggles and the amount of times he has reached out to his community and tried to show us his true self.

Can’t wait for our next big gay anthem in LT2!

#louis tomlinson #girlie #this took me 2 hours #originally a thread on twt #thanks vale for telling me to post it on here lmfao #lgbt #louis tomlinson is lgbt #hes GAY #masterpost #louis tomlinson walls #POSTING FOR THE SECOND TIME

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potteresque-ire · 3 years

Video

youtube

Happy Pride! 🏳️‍🌈 (June is Pride Month where I am 😊) For the occasion, may I recommend this animated musical short, 秘密港 Safe Haven, by the Beijing Queer Chorus (北京酷兒合唱團)? Published on the International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia and Biphobia (IDAHOBIT; May 17th, 2021), the animation, with its lovely (and at times, heartbreaking) song, is about a queer person and their friend who tries to offer their support. The lyrics is English-subbed.

(Below the cut: a wish for the c-queer community; conception of Safe Haven, as explained by the Beijing Queer Chorus; CW/TW for homophobia, violence and forced abortion)

Background for my wish: with the recent Chinese government’s aggressive turnaround in its population control policy to combat its declining birth rate—on 2021/05/31, China further lifted the cap of number of children allowed per couple from 2 to 3 (the number was 1 for almost four decades, 1978-2015; the population control measure has therefore been colloquially called the “One Child Policy”), younger generations of Chinese are already feeling the pressure and fearing the consequences of non-compliance (for example, if the state levies heavy fines on non-child-bearers).

While I have not yet read articles that directly connect the major policy shift with the c-queer community, I imagine it may bring both relief and additional challenges. The relief will likely take time to come; the challenges, meanwhile, will likely be immediate.

This has to do with the root of antagonism against homosexuality in Chinese societies. Unlike in their Western counterparts, Chinese queers have consistently reported that family, instead of societal, pressure as the greatest challenge they face (societal pressure includes that from religion, from government etc). C-queers are expected to abide to the heteronormative traditions of opposite-sex marriage and child-bearing, in a collectivistic, conformist environment still strongly influenced by the Confucian notion that continuing the bloodline is the primary responsibility of a filial child. Men, especially, are under heavy pressure to carry on their family surname. Those who fail to do so are seen as irresponsible at best, moral failures at worst. They suffer anything and everything from constant nagging from their relatives, to ostracisation, to disownment.

A better known consequence of this cultural antagonism against homosexuality in the tragic Tongqi (同妻 “homo-wives”) phenomenon that is, perhaps, unique to China.

Tongqi are straight women who unknowingly entered marriage with closeted gay man, who often learn about their spouse’s sexuality only after the filial obligation of having children has been fulfilled. It’s a form of marriage fraud; women who file for divorce, however, are likely to lose custody of their child(ren) under Chinese laws, and so many of them keep mum. The gay men involved are also victims in many cases; the lack of public, open education and discussion of queer topics in the country mean even the queers themselves may not have a full understanding of their own queerness, believe that “straightening” themselves is something they can do with sufficient willpower and love for their family.

As one may expect, these marriages are mostly unsatisfying; psychiatric issues and intimate partner violence (IPV), which include verbal, emotional and physical abuse, have also been frequently reported. Just how prevalent are Tongqi’s in China that, in turn, reflect how many gay men in China are pressured to remain in the closet and get married? The following numbers may serve as comparison. In 2010, the percentage of gay men married to heterosexual women in the US was 15-25%. In China and in 2018, meanwhile, the reowned Chinese sexologist, sociologist and LGBT rights activist, Li Yinhe (李銀河), quoted an estimate of 80% of China’s ~ 20 million gay men were married to heterosexual wives; i.e. the Tongqi population amounted to ~16 million. Literature has reported a similar estimated size of the Tongqi population—at 13+ million, in 2016.

(Reason for the numbers being estimates: the exact size of the c-queer community isn’t known. China’s decennial census questionnaire from late last year (2020) once again excluded questions about its own LGBT+ community. "Room mate” is how many c-queers have to refer to their partners).

While the Chinese government decriminalised homosexuality in 1997 and its current laws carry no clauses that target the queer community—the official stance of Chinese government on homosexuality is currently 不支持，不反對，不提倡 “not supporting, not opposing, not advocating”—what may seem to be its non-queer-related policies have indirectly but majorly impacted the lives of c-queers. In particular, the “One Child Policy” has been hypothesised to exacerbate the challenge faced by c-queers, as the only child becomes the sole “next generation” available for producing grandchildren and extending the family bloodline.

Hence, my expectation / hope that the relaxation of "One Child Policy”, by lifting the cap on the number of children a couple can have, will bring relief to the LGBT+ population—even if the relief will only come years down the road, as the newer generations of c-queers will then have siblings to share their filial responsibilities.

However, this also explains my worry for now, for the immediate months and years to come, for not only c-queers but the younger generations of Chinese in general. My worry is about how, exactly, the state intends to drive its birth rate upward, and the hardship the new policies may bring.

The practices of China’s population control policies have historically been brutal. Forced, late-term abortions were common, for example. This is reflected in the country’s birth control propaganda banners, commonly seen in Chinese villages until late 2000s, which were infamous for their verbal violence:

“Beat it out! Abort it! Miscarry it! Just cannot give birth to it!”

Fines, which were levied on offenders of the One Child Policy, may seem like a better option but can place an unbearable burden on poorer families, of which there remain many in China. Premier Li Keqiang reported, in May 2020, that >40% of China’s population—600 million—are living with a monthly income of ~$140 USD or below, despite the glitz often seen in the country’s entertainment productions. Using One Child Policy era fines for reference, the famous Chinese director 張藝謀 Zhang Yimou was fined 7.48 million RMB (~$1.17 million USD) for his three children, in 2013. Defying the new population control policies may therefore be a privilege reserved for the very powerful and very rich. And the government is likely to be aggressive in enforcing its new policies—the social media accounts of > 20 feminist activists, who advocate for reproductive freedom among other women’s rights, have already been shut down in the recent weeks.

Will the Chinese government find ways to penalise members of the queer community who do not contribute to the new baby count? Will it turn a blind(er) eye to the Tongqi 同妻 (and to a lesser extent, Tongfu 同夫 ~ heterosexual men married to lesbian women) tragedies happening every day? It’s impossible to say yet.

For this year, therefore, I wish the c-queer community this—I wish it to be safe from the reach of China’s population control policies, whatever they will be.

Back to the animated short, Safe Haven, which is about coming out. In 2016, a 18,000 people survey by the United Nations Development Programme reported only 5% of Chinese queers had come out to people outside their families. Only 15% have come out to their families. A more recent survey reports a significant improvement in these percentages, with ~50% of gays, bisexuals and transgenders and 70% of lesbians having come out to their families (Table 2). Fully out queers remain rare (<10%).

There’s still, therefore, a long way to go. With queers often being out (if they’re out at all) only to their most immediate/intimate social circles, with the state’s censorship of LGBT+ presentation in visual media, many (especially older generations of) non-queers in China haven’t seen a living, breathing, outwardly queer person before. The process of coming out, by extension—what it means, what it takes for both the giver and receiver of the message—may have never entered the thoughts of these non-queers before.

What should they say? What should they do? What words and actions will convey support? What won’t?

Safe Haven is about these questions. I’ll end this post with a translation of the Weibo post in which the animated short was first published, in which Beijing Queer Chorus explained the project’s conception:

#517 IDAHOBIT# Do you remember how it was like, the first time you came out of the closet, or someone came out of the closet to you? Who was that person? What did you say at the time, and how did that person react?

The person who voluntarily exposes their heart requires courage. The person who receives the message may have their own heart filled with unease.

Maybe, both are thinking: “What should I do?”

Coming out is such an important occasion. It can, perhaps, change a relationship forever.

Some will welcome warmth and hugs. Some others will get their first taste of homophobia. Yet some others will find neither.

After a queer person came out to their friend, they got, in return, “Don’t worry. I’ll still treat you as a friend.” It made them uncomfortable for a long time. But their straight family and friends didn’t understand. How could this be not a kind thing to say?

What is gay-friendly? What is homophobic? It appears that everyone has their own standards. The same words and behaviours transmit warmth to some, deep offence to others.

So, when we’re talking about “homophobia”, what are we talking about?

To commemorate this years #517 IDAHOBIT#, the Beijing Queer Chorus interviewed its tens of members and their relatives and friends, in hopes of investigating the difference in perspectives between homosexuals and straight people. How can this barrier be crossed, how can they work together to take care of the valuable relationships.

In the stories of all interviewees, a warmth like this can be felt: even with the risks, there remain those who are brave enough to display their true self; even with the misunderstandings, there remain those willing to keep the secrets of others, willing to learn to understand a whole new world.

We condensed these stories into an original, animated musical short, Safe Haven.

We hope every boat riding the winds and waves can find a harbour to unload their secrets. We also hope every person has enough gentle strength to be the safe haven for others.

We offer our best wishes to every queer who lets their heart be seen ~ may your courage reap its rewards.

We thank every friend and family who have treated these hidden matters of the heart seriously. You make the world a better place.

#pie metas #lgbt #pride 2021

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