#autobiographical from today

[flimsy-roost]

me being treated poorly for reasons outside of my control: well this sucks real bad, but this is happening for reasons outside of my control. while it still hurts emotionally, being conscious of my lack of agency allows me to put my energy towards things I can control that may at least cheer me up

me when I'm talking to myself and my noise cancelling headphones turn on an inscrutably applied pass-through mode that can't be manually toggled and the leaf blower next door fills mine ears once more: slapping doorframe hard enough to mildly fuck up my wrists NO NO NO NONONONONONONONO

[shock]

A loosely-autobiographical fiction, An Index of Personalities is a 43-page graphic novel about a fractured boy who dies without knowing the experience of love but, miraculously, wakes up from the dead in the driver's seat of a 1989 Ford Crown Victoria. Through connecting with the people he meets in his drive across America, he learns how to glue the damaged pieces of his mind together for the first time.

This book is the largest collage project I've ever made and took me ten months to finish. I glued, stitched, laminated, cut, burned, painted, colored, built, created, and destroyed hundreds of sources dating from the 1950's to today. All of this material was gifted to me by others, found in secondhand stores and garbage bins, childhood books I've kept for nearly two decades, outlandishly outdated science textbooks, and personal mementos. Scanning this collage unfortunately means you won't get to play with the stuffed letters, hidden niches, and other interactive elements, but I like to think it stands up without them! From Neopets, to Dostoyevsky, to Playboy, to the illustrated Big Game Animals of North America this book is bound to, it has a lot going on. I try to read whatever I take from, and I've learned so much that I never would have found any other way. I'm so excited to finally be able to put this out into the world! If you'd like to read the whole thing, I figured out how to make a Gumroad so you can get the files for free at this link. <3

[redhead1180]

I see you

Pairing - JJ x fem!reader

Summary - After Y/N, JJ's best friend, has an embarrassing encounter with another guy, JJ finally decides to step up and claim what he wants.

Warnings MDNI - Cursing, embarrassing situation in front of people, oral (m & f receiving), degradation (r degrades self), self-esteem issues, unprotected sex (p in v, wrap before you tap it), creampie, praising

Words - 4.0k

A/N - I don't usually write fluffy smut, but here we are, and I hope you like it. I usually don't describe readers, I want reader to put themselves in the story, but this one is a bit personal. It's kinda autobiographical in it is similar to how my boyfriend and I got together. I NEED to thank @jjxkiaraxpopexcleoxjohnbxsarah for the beautiful moodboard she made for my story. I love u girl 😘! Did not get beta read, wanted to get this out since I have had it almost done for a month.

I couldn't stop the tears that fell down my face, as I drove to my home away from home, the Chateau. I probably shouldn't be driving, but had to get away from the embarrassment at school. God I was such an idiot for thinking that Brandon might like me. For the past month, he had been sweet, a little flirty, getting to know me, but all he really wanted was to get in with Kie. He wanted her, not me. Kie didn't like him already and when she found this out was probably gonna punch him, which did make me smile. Kie was my best friend and always had my back.

I finally pull up to John B's house and take a deep breath. This place always seemed to calm me or maybe it was my friends. My family of misfits I started collecting at the ripe age of 5. It started with JJ, I met him on the playground and thought he looked like a lost puppy with his big blue eyes, unruly blonde (almost white) hair, dirt on his face, and torn clothes. I remember asking if he wanted a friend and he said sure and we became inseparable. Then in 3rd grade I collected John B, another lost puppy, then Pope, Kie, and last Sarah. Well honestly John B collected her, but she was family now.

Wiping the tears off my cheeks, I get out of the car and head in the house. I wasn’t sure if anyone was home, so I grabbed a beer and went out to the back porch. And there laying on the couch, on his stomach, fast asleep was the original lost puppy, JJ himself. His dad was out of jail and he hadn't been to school the last few days, which was never a good thing. Again, a calm washed over me, stilling my mind, and momentarily squashing the rage.

Walking over to the couch, I run my fingers through JJ's hair and whisper a "scoot" in his ear. He grunts but raises his head enough for me to slip under him and sit, before putting it back down in your lap. You guys sit there a bit in silence, me sipping the beer looking out at the marsh while JJ slept. Eventually he begins to stir and rolls over to look up at you.

"What's got you drinking in the middle of the day, princess?" he asks his voice all husky and sleepy.

"Bad day" I grumble, taking another long swig.

He grabs the end of some of my hair, swinging it around. "Ok, tell Papa J your troubles, let's see if I can fix them." he teases.

"I don't think you can fix this one J, not anything to fix really" I mumble as I look down at him tears forming in my eyes again.

"Woah, hey, hey, what's with the waterworks" he asks, concern in his voice, as he sits up and pulls me in a hug.

I shrug "Just another miserable day in my love life, if you can call it that" I sniffle.

JJ stiffens a little, although I don't pay it much mind. He pulls back to look at me and asks "Um, what happened"

"Well," I sigh "Turns out Brandon didn't want to go out with me, he just wanted to use me to get to Kie" I turn to take another swig of beer. "He decides today in study hall, he would ask about if I could give him Kie's digits. When I asked why, he said so he could ask her out. I must have looked confused, cause he laughs and says, Oh you didn't think I was into you did you?" I down another sip of beer "I said Well yeah, he laughs, literally laughs in my face JJ. I was so humiliated I just got up and walked out. He hollers back at me, so is that a no?" I down the rest of the beer.

I finally look at JJ and he is red in the face and has a murderous look in his eyes, "I'mma kill him" he growls.

"I might let you" I tearfully chuckle "I mean what is wrong with me? I know I'm not as pretty as Kie and Sarah. My hair is this ugly red and I'm covered in freckles, I hate it. But fuck. I know I'm not as brash as Kie or bubbly as Sarah, but I like to have fun. I know I seem bookish, but that is cause I really want out of this town. I just don't see why guys can't see me." I throw my head back on the couch out of breath.

*I see you" JJ almost whispers.

I snap my head up and look at him. "What?" I ask quietly.

JJ stands up and goes to the porch screen and stares out for a minute, I'm about to ask him again, when he looks down, does a little nod. I hear him mumble "fuck it" and turns back to me.

"I suck at this shit, but here goes. I see you" he says "No you're not as pretty Kie or Sarah, you're prettier. They don't hold a candle to you, nobody does on this godforsaken island" He starts to pace a little, wringing his hands, as if figuring out what to say "Your hair isn't an ugly red, it's the colors of the sunset. The reds, golds, and oranges that people take tons of pictures of cause it is so fucking beautiful, that's what I see everyday when I look at you. Your freckles? They make your skin glow in the summer, like your some kind of fucking goddess." He chuckles, "In the winter they fade to more a pink and make you look like you’re blushing all the time."

"JJ-"

"No, shut up" he demands "I just sat there and listened to you fucking degrade yourself, so you're gonna sit there and fucking listen to me now." He takes a deep breath and runs his fingers through his hair.

"Ok"

"Ok" he nods " As far not being brash or bubbly like Kie and Sarah, no you're not. You're feisty, temperamental, loyal, and can throw a punch better than most guys. I mean at 10 years old you threw a damn beer bottle at my dad and told him to fucking leave me alone. You have more guts than all of us put together. And yes, you are a blast to hang out with, I mean you can drink most guys under the table." He starts pacing again "Fuck I don't if we would all be friends if it wasn't for you. And I would wager your smarter than Pope, but won't say anything cause it's his thing. And do not ever fault yourself for wanting off this island"

I look at him with my mouth open, tears forming, but not cause I'm sad, but because I never knew anyone saw me like that.

"Do you know how hard it is to see you date other guys and help put the pieces back together for you, when I know, I KNOW, that I would never treat you like that." He says pleadingly "I have waited so long to be that next guy, and yeah it's my fault for not speaking up, but I am now." He comes and kneels in front of me and cups my face. "I want to show you how special you are and tell every guy to eat shit cause she's mine." He laughs.

I can only stare at him for the moment, my mind reeling from his confession. JJ is not one for sharing, even to me his best friend for 13 years. My emotions were all over the place. I felt tears well up on my lashline as realization slammed into me. I always loved JJ, he was my ride or die, but it hit me that I had been in love with him for awhile. I just didn't know it.

I must have taken too long, cause I saw JJ's face fall, he sniffed and looked down. He started to remove his hands from my face. I came back to reality and grabbed his hands. His head snapped back up and I smiled at him.

"JJ" I choked out over the lump on my throat "I didn't know, but I-" I took a deep breath "I want you to be that guy. I want to be yours."

JJ's eyes grew wide and he chuckled "Yea?"

I leaned forward and slammed my lips on his, I could tell he was shocked at first but it didn't last long. He wrapped one hand around the back of my neck and the other wrapped around my waist pulling me on his lap. I moaned as he slid his tongue over my bottom lip, asking me to open up. When I did, he slipped his in and our tongues danced for dominance. He slid his hand up through my hair, cupping my head and deepening the kiss. I wrap my arms around his neck, melting into it, his other hand grabbing the fat of ass and squeezing.

Air was becoming a need as my lungs begin to burn. I was feeling slightly dizzy, not sure if was the kiss or needing air. I pull back enough to gasp, JJ chasing my mouth and kissing me again. My panties were soaked and a needy throbbing had settled into my core. I rolled my hips over JJ's dick; he leaned his head back and groaned loudly.

"Y/N if you want to stop, tell me now. I won't be able to if we keep this up" JJ murmured against my lips.

"I don't want to stop" I rasp out looking him in the eyes. "I want you to claim me, I want to be yours."

"Fuck" he growled "Wrap your legs around me" he demands.

I do as asked and he stands up with me in his arms. I can feel his ab muscles flexing and his thigh muscles harden, making me swoon a little. He smirks at me as he carries me to the spare, which is basically his room. He lays me on the bed and lays on me with his arms holding him up so he doesn't smash me.

"God I never imagined this would actually happen" he says as gently pushes my hair out of my face. "I have dreamed about it, hell, I've jerked off to your pictures more than I want to admit." He chuckles, his cheeks turning pink. "I never thought you would want me and I didn't want to screw up our friendship"

"It's real J, it's happening"

I reach to kiss him and he meets me, claiming my mouth in toe curling kiss. His hands play with the hem of my shirt and he looks at me for permission.

"Yea" I whisper.

"Arms up baby" he instructs as he tugs my shirt off and throws it behind him.

He kisses along my jawline down my neck. When he gets to a spot on my neck right above my shoulder, pleasure shoots through me and I buck my hips up at him. I feel more than see him smirk and hear a whispered "There you are".

He bites and kisses the spot, leaving his mark, as I feel a fire start in my stomach and I am whining and squirming under him.

"More J" I whine out, "I need more."

He continues his assault down my chest, kissing the areas of my breast he can reach around my bra. I feel his hand slide under me and he unhooks my bra with one flick. I giggle.

"Pretty slick move there"

He grins, "I've might've had some practice" he teases as he rips it of me and it flies through the air. He looks and stares at my breasts for a minute mouth slightly open.

"God your beautiful" he groans as he latches his mouth onto one nipple and his hand kneads and pinches the other one.

I arch my back up to him, moaning from the heat building between my thighs. "J" I whine.

He trails kisses down my stomach to the waistband of my shorts. He looks up at me again, his fingers on the button.

"You still good baby" he asks, his pupils blown.

"Mhmm" I hum out, getting antsy wanting his mouth on me.

JJ unbuttons my shorts and pulls them off. He trails kisses up along my inner thighs until he gets to my soaked panties.

"God your so fucking wet, babygirl. This all for me?" He teasingly asks.

*Mhmm baby, only for you" I rasp out.

JJ kisses my covered cunt before hooking his fingers in the waistband of my panties and pulling them off. His hands caress my legs as they move back up to my hips. He leaves kisses along my legs until his mouth is back in front of my soaked pussy. He gently blows on it causing me to buck my hips and gasp.

"JJ" I gasp out, grabbing a fistful of sheets on each side of me. "Please" I beg.

He wraps his arms under and back over my thighs, pulling me closer to him.

"Please what, baby?" JJ coos at me. He is so close to my cunt; I can feel his hot breath against my lower lips. The mixture of his hot breath and the coolness from my wetness, gives me goosebumps and makes me shudder. The nickname causes me to clench around nothing and I hear JJ chuckle. With a feather light touch, he slowly rubs his finger over my lower lips.

"Please J I need you to eat me" I beg, rolling my hips to try get closer to his mouth.

He licks a strip from my hole to my clit and I loudly moan out. He moves my legs over his shoulders as he licks my ever-swelling nub. I realize he is licking two Js, certifiably claiming my pussy. I giggle and feel him smile when he realizes I figured out what he was doing.

His tongue moves down to my hole and I groan as he pushes his tongue in me. I grab his hair pulling it, the heat in my stomach growing with each thrust.

"Look at me baby" JJ commands.

I look down at him, staring into his eyes, almost completely black now. I watch him as he fucks me with his tongue. My core begins to tingle and I feel my orgasm close. I grind in his mouth, searching for my release. He moves back up to my clit, sucking and licking. He gently thrust one finger in me, I throw my head back and let out a breathy cry. He adds another finger, pumping both fingers in and out. I groan out, one hand pulling his hair and the other grabs the headboard.

"J I'm gonna cum* I gasp out breathlessly.

"C'mon baby, cum on my face" JJ moans, "God your so fucking sweet"

He curls his fingers hitting that sweet spot and bites my clit. I cry out as the band snaps in my stomach, causing me to clench around his fingers and juices to flow on to his face. He groans and I can hear him slurping up all my release like he had not drank in days. He rides me through it, finally getting up and laying down on me. His mouth and chin covered in my slick and he is grinning like a Cheshire cat. He snuggles in between my thighs.

"That was so fucking hot" JJ grins as he leans down to kiss me, letting me taste myself in his mouth. The kiss quickly heats up and I can feel how hard he is thru his shorts.

"You have too many clothes on." I pout, tugging his shirt. He reaches behind him grabbing the shirt and pulling over his head. I start unbuttoning his shorts and pushing them down his legs.

"A little eager ain't we princess" he chuckles as he gets up and takes his shorts and boxers off. His rock hard cock slapping his stomach and standing salute.

My eyes go a little wide. JJ wasn't extremely girthy, although it was big, but he was long the end curving slightly. He has the prettiest pink tip that was getting darker by the minute.

"Like what ya see baby?" He smirked.

"Fuck me" I gasped out in a whisper.

"Oh, I plan to princess” JJ smirks as he crawls up the bed. “I plan to fuck you until my name is the only one you scream” he kisses up my leg “until I have ruined you to anyone else” he kisses my clit “until I have kissed every inch of you” he kisses my breast, nibbling the nipple “until I’ve shown you how much I love you” he kisses me passionately, making me moan and thrust my hips up into him, and causing my toes curl. For fucks sakes, this boy knew how to kiss.

“JJ, please” I moan, “I need you inside me.”

“Shit babygirl” JJ groaned, “you can’t say that shit. I will blow my load, and I’m not ready to yet”

While he’s distracted, I flip us over and began kissing down his neck and onto his chest. I continue to leave open mouth kisses down his chest, over his stomach, nibbling along his happy trail.

“Fuck, Y/N/N” JJ moaned, “I thought you wanted me inside you”

“Got distracted” I mumble as I kitten lick the precum off his perfectly pink tip. JJ groans and his hands fly to my head, grabbing my hair. He pulls me up off him and back to his lips by my hair.

“As much as I want to fuck that pretty little mouth of yours,” he rasps against my lips, “the first time I cum with you will be inside you. Now you have a choice, ride me or lay down and spread’em” he growled.

I literally shudder from the amount of juices that gush out of me. He smirks at me, knowing he has me ready to explode, the little shit.

“Ride you,” I whisper as he pulls me up on his lap and I position myself to hover over him. I reach down and hold him, lining him up, I push the tip causing him to hiss. I look straight at him as I push myself down slowly, feeling every inch of his cock stretching me. Both of us are trying not to close our eyes in pleasure, not wanting to miss this moment. Finally, I feel his hairs against my clit, and I close my eyes and dig my nails into his chest. I moan from the feeling of being so full and I hear him groan “fuck baby”. I clench around him, causing him to moan and squeeze my hips. I pull up until just the tip is in me and slam back down, he throws his head back and hisses “fucking hell”. I slowly began to speed up my bouncing, another release quickly building up in my core. Placing my hands on JJ’s chest, I change the angle of my bouncing and feel JJ grab my hips and squeeze.

“Oh fuck, babygirl” he moaned, head thrown back into the pillow. I closed my eyes and felt him kiss my cervix. While I wasn’t looking, he wrapped his arms around my back and flipped us. I let out a yelp of surprise.

“What the hell, J” I fussed looking up at him. He gently slapped my thigh, causing me to clench around him and moan.

“Yea, we’ll explore that later” he smirked, “I wasn’t gonna last there, this pussy feels like heaven.” He breathed against my mouth, as he started to thrust into me. I moaned into his mouth as he claimed my lips, causing a fresh wave of juices to cover him. I wrapped my arms around his back, digging my nails in and, I know, leaving marks. He groaned sliding one hand to my hip and the other to grabbing my hair.

“Fuck Y/N, why didn’t we do this sooner?” JJ rasped out.

“I don’t know” I groaned.

“Har- harder, ple- please, baby” I stuttered out, the pet name making JJ groan. He put both hands behind my thighs and pushed them into my chest. I cried out from the new sensation, JJ slamming into me harder. I could feel the band in my stomach tighten as he thrust harder and deeper. I couldn’t form words, my brain mush, letting little “uh- uhs” every time he hit my G-spot. I scratched hard down JJ’s back, making him hiss, as my walls fluttered around his cock.

“You close babygirl?” he whispered in my ear.

I just nodded, words failing me. He reached around and used his thumb to rub my clit with little circles.

“Let go, mama” JJ moaned.

That was all it took and the band snapped. I cried out, arching my back, as my vision went blurry around the edges and all I saw was white. My legs shook from the intensity and my ears rang, drowning out JJ.

“That’s my good -fuck- girl -oh fuck” I barely heard JJ right before he slammed into me holding it. I could feel hot ropes of cum shoot into me as I heard JJ moan “fuckfuckfuck” in my ear.

JJ slowly began pushing in and out, riding our highs out, whispering in my ear “Fuck, you’re mine, you’re mine, baby” over and over.

“Yes” I gasped over and over until it was no more than a whisper.

JJ stopped and collapsed on me, still inside me, our sweaty, sticky bodies suctioning together. Both of us panting, trying to catch our breath. I ran my fingers through his hair, kissing his forehead.

“I kinda can’t believe we just did that” I giggle into his hair. He raised his head up, smiling, looking at me.

“Yea, me either. It was pretty amazing” he says leaning in for a kiss.

I smile into the kiss and giggle “Yeah it was.”

We hear the doors of the Twinkie, open and close, and soon hear Kie yelling my name. JJ pulled a blanket over us, but didn’t get off.

“In here” he yells and gives me a shit eating grin. I gave a him a confused look.

Kie walks in and jumps and screams, slamming the door closed. Then opens it again to get a better look, then slams it again.

“REALLY JJ” Kie yells, but you can hear the laughter in her voice. “I heard what Brandon did and was concerned for Y/N, but seems like you cheered her up.”

“Yup got it covered” JJ hollered back.

“By the way, I punched him for you” Kie hollered back. “Thanks” I yelled laughing.

“What the hell is going on?” you hear John B ask, simultaneously hearing Kie “No, don’t open!”

Next thing you see is John B with the door open, you burying your head and groaning into JJ’s chest, Pope behind him, eyes all bugged out. Sarah trying to peek between Kie and John B’s arms.

“Oh, hoh” John B grinned, while Sarah squealed and giggled.

“Guys, can we have a little privacy” JJ smirked looking at you.

“Yup, just glad it all worked out” John B smiles while closing the door.

I looked up at JJ, smiling “Yeah it sure did” as JJ leaned in for a kiss.

Tagging some moots: @haven247 @princessmaybank @rafescurtainbangz @rafesthroatbaby @pankowkisses @pankowperfection @babygorewhore @drewstarkeyslut @drudyslut @kraekat29 @thatsthewaythechrissycrumbles @starfxkr

[slushiepizza]

everyday with guy and honey #10 - executive dysfunction tags : mental health struggles regarding productivity; read author's note

author's note : tips on dealing with executive dysfunction that are featured in this comic : having positive self talk from affirmations and having someone to keep you accountable. sources these tips are more autobiographical ( as in, i do them in desperate times when i needed to get things done- i owe my entire academic career to friends who are kind enough to keep me accountable.) than professional- as i am not a licensed therapist. Honey's version of tough love also despite it working on someone like Guy- doesn't work on everyone. this seems very rushed because it is lmao; despite having made a lot of guy angst comics- this one in particular is the most personal one i've made so far. i'm dealing with the exact same thing as guy and i feel like i need to make this comic to encourage myself to work- hence i had to make this quickly to get my thoughts down.

i'd also like to add a disclaimer that despite me also struggling with executive dysfunction and hinting that my depiction of guy has adhd- i do not have the condition myself; so if there's any depictions that need to be revised, feel free to correct me! also, the idea of Honey also calling Guy, 'hon' / 'honey' came from @joshusten and i think it's very endearing so I added it in haha I hope that you can give things your best shot today. And I hope that I can do the same.

Comic Masterlist

[ode-to-oddette]

unexpected.

after your planned date with tim takes an unexpected turn, you show him just how full of surprises you are…

word count: <500

warnings: not proof read…i kinda raw dogged this :p no use of y/n

notes: omg first thing of writing on here…im an autobiographical writer, haven’t touched fanfic since i was like 10. with that being said if i proof read it i won’t have the guts to post it. there will be better writing on my blog i promise. also super late for valentine’s day but it rained when i love the day of and no other day of the week n i thought it was funny.

“You told me you checked the weather Tim.”

You had called your boyfriend to let him know that a picnic wasn’t going to work. As soon as you woke up, the noise of rain pattered on your apartment’s roof, hitting you with the reality that being outside wasn’t an option.

“I did! Today is the first time this month it’s rained! But uhhhh should we do the Mary’s?” He tried to remedy the situation with the Italian restaurant in your university neighborhood.

“We go there all the time, can we do something special since it’s Valentine’s Day baby?” You smiled into the phone receiver. You knew he melted into man pudding when you called him baby and used that tone.

“Oh uhh-“ evidence of your work, “Anything you want. Maybe the rink and then hot chocolate after?”

“It’s a date.” You smiled, perfect time to show Tim what he didn’t know about you on the ice.

❅ ❅ ❅

Tim came to pick you up, you made sure to put on a raincoat. Not only to protect yourself from getting soaked, but also to reveal your outfit to your boyfriend in the car.

“Oh look at you, expecting to get some laps in?” He joked at the expense of your lululemon attire

“I like my pink define jacket, thank you very much”

“Hey! I like it too, definitely…tight. Hugs the right pla-“ You slap him on the shoulder, “Ow! Do you even know how to skate babe?”

This was your moment. Should you lie and wow him? Or should you tell the truth and loose your novelty? You lie.

“No actually, you’ll have to teach me.”

“That’s great actually, then you can’t let go of me-“ he smiled like an idiot before you interrupted him

“Don’t push it”

“Yes ma’am”

❅ ❅ ❅

You try not to be suspicious. ‘Act like you’re nervous, get shaky the first few minutes-‘

“Hey babe, need help with your skates?” Tim is an angel. As much as he likes to talk dirty, he genuinely cares and you always know it.

“Oh uhm, yes please”

“No problem.” he got on his knees and laced your skates up, “They need to be super tight, but not so tight you can’t bend your knees beyond a certain point.” Nobody could wipe the smile he had off his face. He was just happy to be teaching his girlfriend how to skate on Valentine’s Day.

“Thank you Tim. I feel like Cinderella, only my shoe has a sharp blade on it and my prince charming doesn’t know how to check the weather.” You giggle at his expense

“Im sure I’m a much better prince charming than whatever that guy had going on. Now stand up and see if it’s comfortable.”

“Perfect! Oh! I mean uhhh-“ You can’t let the jig be up, “Ouch super tight but I’ll be okay!”

Tim looks at you funny, but thought nothing if it, “Alright let’s go.”

❅ ❅ ❅

You can’t even stand it. You’ve been pretending to be awful at skating for almost 30 minutes. The real truth? You were on a figure skating scholarship just like how Tim was on a hockey one. You’d been skating since middle school and it had become a sport you loved deeply. You and Tim had been together for eight months, but the topic never really came up due to you thinking there were far more important things to your character.

“Can I try by myself?” your posture was awful, but it as about to be perfect in about 5 seconds

“Remember what I taught you about falling on your butt and not your face?”

It took so much not to roll your eyes, “Ill try not to fall because you like both of those things about me. think I’m okay.”

“Great! Let’s see you do 5 feet ahead. Go at any pace you want.”

You nodded, kissing him on the cheek. You immediately shifted into better posture, stopped shaking , and started skating at the pace you wanted, like he said. You begin with fluid crossovers, transitioning into quick footwork. With a push, you launch into a simple jump, landing with precision. You could feel the air whipping past your face as you gained speed. Your body twists and turns effortlessly, soon you’re skating circles around your boyfriend, who couldn’t do anything but look at you in shock. You stop right next to him.

“Was that okay?”

“Was that okay?? What are you doing studying here! People get injured all the time at the olympics I’m sure you could fill in and it would make no difference” He laughed in complete shock, “How long have you been skating for?

“More than 10 years”

“We should definitely take this to my place. You’ve won my heart. Not that you didn’t before I just- let’s go babe.”

“No I’m actually having so much fun!”

[itgetsbetterproject]

Some tangible Black queer history for you!

In case you needed any more proof that we've always been here - this amazing collection is courtesy of the Stonewall National Musuem and Archive!

Rafiki: The Journal of the Association of Black Gays, Vol. 1 #1 (Fall 1976)

"Rafiki was a quarterly publication from the Association of Black Gays (ABG), a Los Angeles, California gay activist group that organized through education, political engagement, and grassroots activism to improve the conditions for Los Angeles’s Black gays and lesbians.

According to the journal, the title Rafiki was chosen because it means “friend” in Swahili and “that’s what [ABG] hope to be for you.” This first issue includes an article on the history of ABG and the fact that Black gays and lesbians have been largely excluded from the political, social, and economic advances of the gay community.

Included in this issue are articles such as “Homosexuality in Tribal Africa” and “Disco Discontent” (an open letter to the owner of Studio One, Scott Forbes), as well as poetry by Steven Corbin and Frances Andrews, and book reviews. It even contains an ad for the famous Catch One Club owned by Jewel Williams, which is still operating today!"

I Am Your Sister: Black Women Organizing Across Sexualities by Audre Lorde (Kitchen Table: Women of Color Press, 1985; from the Freedom Organizing Series)

You can read this one here!

"This small twelve-page publication derives from a speech Audre Lorde gave at the Women’s Center of Medgar Evers College in New York City regarding the exclusion of Lesbians in the feminist movement and how Lorde’s identity as both a Black woman and lesbian are inextricably linked.

Primarily, heterosexism and homophobia are major issues Lorde states are “two grave barriers to organizing among Black women.” Lorde ends the essay with the statement: “I am a Black Lesbian, and I am your sister.”

Her emphasis on the duality of this identity stems from a 1960s poster that said “He’s not black, he’s my brother!,” which Lorde states infuriated her because “it implied that the two were mutually exclusive.”

Kitchen Table: Women of Color Press was founded by Barbara Smith—another Black Lesbian feminist—and Audre Lorde in 1980 to create a publishing apparatus for women of color who at the time did not have control over how they were published except through the white-dominated outlets."

Flawless! The Life & Times of T.B.D.J. AKA Tiffani Inc. AKA Mrs. … (Manuscript) by Tiffany Bowerman (July 2007, A&E Publishers)

This autobiographical manuscript traces the life of Tiffany Bowerman aka Tiffany B.D. Johnson (b. 1959), who states that she “was the first African-American Transsexual to have state issued birth certificate reissued [1990]… was the first to legally marry three different active duty military men… [and] first… to found their own Christian Denomination… The Agape-Ecumenical Christian Denomination.”

Further, she states “I have tried to put together something striking and original[,] a journey from childhood to self aware adult. A life that was and is with all regrets included.”

This manuscript is a preliminary copy of a rough draft, and contains various memoirs, photographs, legal documents, and ephemera.

Out in Black and White: A Directory of Publications By, About, For People of Afrikan Descent In-The-Life by the Broward County Library Outreach Services Department Exhibit/Programming Services with direction by Eric Jon Rawlins (January, 1996)

Out in Black and White is a directory of various serial publications (magazines, newsletters, journals, etc.) throughout the United States that are focused on the Black LGBTQ experience. According to the directory, “[t]his project was inspired by the atmosphere of strength, oneness and productivity created by the Million Man March [on October 16,] 1995.”

The Million Man March was a political demonstration that took place at the National Mall in Washington, D.C. with the purpose of encouraging involvement in the improvement of the conditions of African Americans. Eric Jon Rawlins was a Broward County, Florida librarian who at one time was also the second vice president of the NAACP Fort Lauderdale branch in the late 1980s.

Currently, the Eric Jon Rawlins Collection consisting of personal and professional papers, as well as his 6,000 vinyl record album collection, are housed at the African American Research Library and Cultural Center Special Collections in Broward County, FL.

[priestessame]

Sumeru historian reader! that has no idea about Zhongli being rex lapis.

gender neutral reader📜 fluff-📜crack

It had been a while since Zhongli had wanted to court someone that badly.

Other than being oh so lovely to look at, it was hard not to fall for a scholar like you. Sharp and eloquent, a trailblazer of a historian. This made it difficult to figure out a way to approach you... more personally. And recently Rex Lapis had found himself wondering the same thing. To understand how to tread across the line of friendship into something more intimate occupied all of his thoughts.

So when he heard you were taking a class on Rex lapis he was positively gloating.

"I think it's a brilliant idea." He assured you, pressing down a giddy smile. Because if you fell in love with the stories of Morax, half his battle was already won.

It was all he could think of as he sipped his tea today. Anytime now you would be joining him here, bright eyes gleaming with reverence as you spoke of the beloved rex lapis (Or so he hoped).

He knew your love for the dendro archon, he knew you often spoke of her kindness and deep wisdom. Well, in that case, (nothing to brag), but surely Rex lapis possessed those qualities as well. If anything, he was walking history himself. You were sure to find him just as benevolent.

Ah, Zhongli thought, he would take such pleasure in seeing your smile as you spoke of him with the same love. Maybe it was childish of him to feel that jittery over it, but he tried to remain nonchalant.

With lunch time approaching, more people flocked into the tea shop and Zhongli swiftly placed an order for a adeptus temptation. That way it would be hot when you arrived.

As if on cue, your voice called out to him. Zhongli straightened at that sound. Your excited figure made its way to his table, he noticed that you carried reading supplies from your class. He read a few titles off the bat, The oldest adepti, The Lord of commerce, The archon king. He brightened up at once, you had read the best of the literature on him. Pleased, he decided to probe it out of you.

"I see you have come from your seminar." He said, easing into his seat.

"I am curious as to how you view the Lord of Geo now." he completed, a small smile slipping on his lips as he waited for what was next to come.

Most historians he encountered echoed the same thought- awe and respect for the geo archon. After all, the literature painted him as iron-fisted yet just, compassionate yet feared, a revered patron of art and a warrior-

"He's just a glorified thug." You grumbled, sitting down beside him.

Zhongli's jaw slacked, the knowing smile stuck halfway on his face froze as he stared at you, more than a little bewildered at your lack of reverence. well, this was... new.

"I'm telling you Xiangsheng, if it wasn't for Guizhong, he would have remained unruly and stupid." You continued, " I don't know why they hail him like some Nobel dude, when he was basically a tyrant for most of his life."

Zhongli smiled queasily, "Dear, historical texts are often subject to the interpretation of historians." He tried to explain, "D-did you not read any literature on him? surely that couldn't have been as bad.."

You just shook your head, pointing the fork at him and making him gulp. Although the action was just to emphasise your point, to the consultant it felt like an accusatory needle being pointed at him. "Lieuyan records and fiction tend to blur over each other, I can't help but feel that he was just some rock headed idiot that is painted as someone cultured."

You stuffed another mouthful of the stir fry, "And after all-" You continued, "what kind of Archon is scared of seafood?"

Zhongli bit back his tongue, He fumbled with the tea cup, grappling at ways to try and win you over, "Well.. that's not exactly how the events unfolded..."

"They are all secondary texts after all, Rex Lapis never really wrote any autobiographical texts himself." Zhongli tried, feeling a little like he was strapped to a mast of a sinking ship.

"That only proves that he was never sophesticated to begin with." You huffed back, Zhongli choked back a cough.

You shrugged, not wanting to waste precious time with Zhongli on talking about Rex Lapis, "I think the people of liueye view him through rose coloured glasses, I'm sure he was some traditionalist in provocative clothing that went about screaming sacrilege for anything new."

"- well that is subject to - wait- I beg your pardon, P-provocative clothing?" Zhongli yelped out in the end, embarrassment creeping up his neck.

"Just look at him!" you said, "Torso out, barely clothed, even his posture seems rather vulguar, purely in comparison to the other Archon statue's..."

You rested your chin against your palm, "Hm, i wonder if he's seen as an erotic figure, his iconography surely hints at that."

You looked up to see Zhongli looking absolutely horrified. He buried his face in his hands, "T-that's just preposterous."

"Is that so?" You replied casually, surprised that the Zhongli you knew didn't have much to add on the topic. "Because the poem by Bai Qiyue, mentions that he had a harem of at least a thousand beautiful women and fathered-"

You yelped as Zhongli spit out his tea.

He coughed as you scampered to hand him a handkerchief. "Xiangsheng! are you alright?" You asked, and Zhongli waved his hand dismissively,

" E-even if- " He coughed out, "Even if Rex lapis did have an...erm... colorful past, I'm sure was never some philanderer with a harem of a thousand."

"Oh." You mimed out, not understanding why Zhongli was the one suddenly acting flustered. It wasn't like you were dissing him. Of course, if the man you looked up to was still iffy, you just had to go further to drive the point home.

"Then there's the ambiguity around his death." You contented, shaking your head, "The records are awfully scripted, in spite of being recent. If lieuyan scholars weren't so moony eyed about their archon, they might have actually noticed how skeptical the whole thing is!"

Your eyes narrowed, too caught up in your conspiracy theory, "To die so easily... I can't help but wonder if Morax was truly that weak of an archon, or if it all was.." Your voice trailed away

"Or?" Zhongli asked curiously, his amber-gold eyes held your gaze. In that moment you lost your train of thought, a little enchanted with how warmly his eyes sized you. It often happened when your eyes met, you would notice how his iris was pure molten gold, like the late sun on the dunes. You hummed out a sigh, pushing the skepticism away, If there was a god of wealth, he should look like that, you thought.

"Doesn't matter." You replied, tossing your hair back, "In the end I am a historian, not some fanatic that should go off on mere theories."

Zhongli chuckled, "Very well." He replied, realising quickly that he would have to court you as Zhongli. Maybe then, when he did reveal his identity, Rex lapis would be treated more kindly.

Buy me a coffee ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

[nikonladyz4]

The Illusion of Truth - The World of Shipping

The illusion of Truth - repeat a lie often enough and it becomes the truth. That is a law of propaganda often attributed to the Nazi Joseph Gobl. Among psychologists something like this is known as the illusion of truth effect. The idea is repetition! 

We see this so often in the world of shipping. Especially with our neighbors and their perceived relationship status between Jungkook and Taehyung.

If you reinforce something over and over again you start to believe it even if goes against the most fundamental truth. This strategy was actually reinforced by hitler himself in his 1925 autobiographical manifesto. He observed that most people are only comfortable telling small lies because of this Hitler believes that when something big is claimed we tend to believe it because we ourselves can’t imagine that someone would be telling such a big lie. 

In the manifesto Hitler said that it would never come into our heads to fabricate colossal untruths and we would not believe that others could have the impudence to distort the truth so infamously.  

Even though facts which prove the actual truth may be brought clearly to their minds, they will still doubt and waver and will continue to think that there may be some other explanation.  This is clearly seen in the case of Jikook. Facts are clearly out there, but the neighbors discount each and every one of them. They can’t fathom there is a close and personal bond between Jimin and Jungkook. They think any and every interaction must be fanservice, because they have been sold that bill of goods, opps I mean that illusion of reality. They even think enlisting together is fanservice. Again, there has to be some explanation to explain the bond of Jimin and Jungkook. There is no way they are in a relationship, in their minds it means if jikook is real, their ship of Taehyung and Jungkook are not in a relationship, but just friends. Jikook destroys what they have believed all these years.

The illusion of reality convinces people that the truth that we see, hear, feel or touch are NOT TRUE by just repeating and saying something so ridiculously UNTRUE that it’s so hard to believe anyone would even dare say it. 

Back to shipping, we know all shippers put forth theories, evidence, and proof of their supposed ship. Many keep it surface level and fun. However, some take it so far that they hurt the subject(s) of their ships or those they feel threaten that ship. We see this with some of the fans of Taehyung, Jimin and Jungkook. We see hate campaigns based on edited videos, false narratives, and outright lies. Then these lies are repeated so often that many believe them in part because it supports their belief and because people don’t or won’t take the time to verify or validate such lie(s). This process is nothing but the use of propaganda which can result in cult like behavior. 

Unfortunately, we have twitter accounts and YouTubers who promulgate these lies and narratives for views and monetization of their channels. Others promote these lies with the expressed intent upon hurting and threatening people such as Jimin and to a lesser extent Jungkook.  We saw this last year with the hate campaign towards Jimin and Jungkook when they traveled to Japan along with the hate letters to the Defense Ministry of SK.

The YouTube channel “Asian Entertainment and Culture” posted an excellent video today called “Dirty PR & Marketing Tricks Used to Destroy JHope & Other Idols”. the bulk of my comments above as it relates to the Illusion of Reality came directly from her video. She was not addressing shipping, but the smear campaign against JHope and Jungkook because a group of fans want Scooter Braun removed from Hybe and also to smear Jungkook’s collaboration with Usher who they say has supported Israel. However, everything she addressed in her video also applies to the world of shipping and we so clearly see what she is talking about in this world. 

After all these paragraphs of words above, if you don’t get anything out of what I said, try and recognize when you see “The Illusion of Reality”.  Validate and verify the best you can what you are being fed or consuming. Watch full content and not just edited clips, read reputable articles from reputable sources. Watch various YouTubers and look at how they present information. Are they using reputable sources? Are they presenting facts or opinions? Are they serving up their own narrative to support their channel? Is the analysis based on facts or innuendos, half truths or outright lies? Be a critical thinker and not just parrot the illusion of reality.

[yurimother]

Nonbinary Autobiographical Manga 'X-Gender' Released in English

The first volume of Asuka Miyazaki's manga X-Gender (Seibetsu X) was released in English digitally and in paperback on Tuesday, June 14. Miyazaki identifies as x-gender, the Japanese gender identity similar to non-binary. The manga is an autobiographical story detailing their experience and struggles with sexuality and gender.

The publisher describes the manga:

Asuka is neither a woman nor a man—they’re X-gender (a non-binary identity)—and they’ve realized they like women! Okay, now what? Adult films are fun to watch, but real sex is less appealing. Would having a penis make that better or worse? Periods already suck, and sex means more fluids from more people! This autobiographical manga follows Asuka’s feelings about their body, their relationships, and the fun (and sometimes terrible) experience of having an awakening in their thirties.

The manga includes open discussions about sex, sexuality, and gender, and unlike most Yuri or BL fiction titles, it centers on and explicitly names LGBTQ+ identities. Small sections of the manga are devoted to teaching the reader about queer identities and culture, for example, it defines lesbians and the roles of a "top" and "bottom."

X-Gender was serialized in Young Magazine the 3rd from 2020 until the magazine was discontinued in April of 2021. Afterward, the series was released on Comic Days until its conclusion in November 2021. Kodansha publishes the series in two volumes in Japanese.

Kathryn Henzler translates the first volume of X-Gender for Seven Seas, with adaptation by Cae Hawksmoor, and lettering by Vanessa Satone.

You can check out the first volume of X-Gender today in paperback and digitally: https://amzn.to/3mSSPdN

Reading official releases helps support creators and publishers. YuriMother makes a small affiliate commission from sales to help fund future coverages.

[esspos]

sooooooo,,,, i’ve finally finished my yuri recommendations list. this is a culmination of about 3ish years of reading yuri manga/manhwa/manhua plus tapas & webtoons and stuff from lezhin as well. i’ve been superrrrrrr busy so i haven’t gotten around to reviewing any stuff in a while or posting stuff so hopefully i can start again soon 😊

- [ ] a monsters wants to eat me (modern) (horror)

- [ ] Bloom into you (modern)

- [ ] mage & demon queen (fantasy isekai but kind of/kind of not) (webtoon)

- [ ] whispering you a love song (modern) (fav romance, puppygirl himari)

- [ ] can’t defy the lonely girl (modern)

- [ ] donuts and a crescent moon (modern, office) (top 5 of all time)

- [ ] kimi to tzuzuru (modern) (extremely depressing)

- [ ] she loves to cook, she loves to eat (modern, kinda serious subject, best couple) (butches 💖)

- [ ] lily marble (modern) (lesbians at the gym, i wonder what they’re gonna do…)

- [ ] a room for two (modern)

- [ ] i’m in love with the villainess (isekai)

- [ ] snow thaw & love letter (modern)

- [ ] my dear lass (modern) (manhua)

- [ ] tamen de gushi (modern) (manhua)

- [ ] a love yet to bloom (modern) (fav currently) (nerdy book lesbians have my heart)

- [ ] goodbye, my rose garden (historical) (manwha)

- [ ] my new friend wasn’t what i was expecting (modern)

- [ ] my food seems to be very cute (modern supernatural) (manwha) (serious and broody femme lesbian vampire x puppygirl werewolf 🐶)

- [ ] beauty and the beast girl (supernatural)

- [ ] hizikan tautology (modern)

- [ ] ayaka is in love with hiriko (modern office)

- [ ] the moon on a rainy night (modern) (a bit more serious)

- [ ] how do we relationship (modern)

- [ ] her tale of shim-cheong (#1 historical yuri) (NOT TOXIC RELATIONSHIP BUT KIND OF, SORT OF, EVERYTHING AROUND THEM IS TOXIC) (manwha)

- [ ] composing spring in this room where cherry blossoms bloom (modern) (fucking depressing jesus christ)

- [ ] introverted gals get out (modern)

- [ ] baili jin among mortals (modern supernatural) (manhua)

- [ ] alcohol and ogre-girls (modern supernatural)

- [ ] maitsuki, niwatsuki, ooyatsuki (modern adult)

- [ ] hana ni arashi (modern)

- [ ] anemone wa netsu o obiru (modern)

- [ ] yamada to kase-san (modern)

- [ ] under one roof today (autobiographical) (these bitches gay, good for them)

- [ ] lillies, voice, wear wind (modern) (ace rep 💖)

- [ ] the two of them are pretty much like this (modern)

- [ ] onna tomodachi to kekkonshitemita (modern)

- [ ] teiji ni agaretara (modern)

- [ ] asagao to kase-san (modern)

- [ ] RUTHLESS (webtoon) (modern) (SHE’S VERY HORNY FOR THE MASC LESBIN)

- [ ] Fatal Kiss (webtoon) (modern supernatural)

- [ ] winter before spring (webtoon) (modern) (kinda depressing)

- [ ] The Greenhouse (tapas) (modern supernatural)

- [ ] Mistranslations (tapas) (modern)

- [ ] Sora & Haena (modern)

- [ ] Best Served Cold (modern) (toxic yuri!!!!)

- [ ] blooming sequence (modern)

- [ ] Getting to Know Grace (historical) (one of the best plots)

- [ ] After the curtain call (modern) (theatre lesbiabs)

- [ ] In my heart (modern)

- [ ] Kiss it goodbye (modern) (baseball masc)

- [ ] Moonlight Garden (historical fiction) (‼️‼️ extremely horny ‼️‼️)

- [ ] A Joyful Life (modern)

- [ ] ghosts of greywoods (historical)

- [ ] pulse (modern)

[whencyclopedia]

The Tale of Sinuhe

The Middle Kingdom of ancient Egypt (2000 BCE – 1700 BCE) saw the start of more formal writing which included religious scripts, administrative notes, and more in-depth fictional writing. One of the most iconic pieces of writing to come out of the Middle Kingdom was The Tale of Sinuhe. Sinuhe was a courier and assistant to the King of Egypt, Amenhotep I. He fled Egypt and joined a Bedouin tribe to the east and started a new life near Syria. Once he reached old age he returned and finished out his life in Egypt. The importance of this story goes beyond the structure and writing techniques of the text as it provides insight into the cultural differences between Egypt and the Near East. Philologists are still analysing the text and acquiring new insight into the text today. This 4,000-year-old tale provides insight into the world and mind of an Egyptian and is just another example of Egyptian brilliance.

Berlin 3022 & 10499 Papyri

The best-known copies of Sinuhe were from the 12th and 13th dynasties (1900-1700 BCE), and these manuscripts are labelled Berlin 3022 and 10499. The Berlin 10499 (Also known as Ramesseum papyrus 10499) has The Tale of Sinuhe and another story called The Tale of the Eloquent Peasant on the reverse side of the papyrus. Berlin 3022 is the most well-preserved and the best account for translation. The Berlin 3022 is missing the beginning of the tale with 311 total lines, and Berlin 10499 has the beginning, but only has 203 lines. Egyptologists today discuss the strategy of the scribe who created these papyri. They have created a modern replica of the papyrus roll which is five meters long and cut into fourteen sections. When we closely analyse the script we can observe the scribes attempt to clean off the papyri from previous writing and debris. The total word count in most English translations is 4,500 words.

The text on the papyrus is known as Hieratic. This form of writing is like cursive for Middle Egyptian hieroglyphs. This is not to say that Middle Egyptian Hieroglyph versions do not exist. Hieratic was a simpler and faster method for writing larger works of literature, administrative, and religious texts. Schools for scribes used this story as a model for practice, which created many incomplete copies of the story. The Berlin examples are of papyri, but the copies created by students who were training to be scribes used ostraca or limestone flakes. The story is one of the first forms of autobiographical storytelling and, although the author of the story is unknown, he is considered to be the Shakespeare of Middle Egypt. Egyptologists find this tale to be one of the finest pieces of literature to survive from Ancient Egypt. We see many examples in museums like the Berlin Museum, British Museum, and the Ashmolean Museum.

Continue reading...

[misskattylashes]

Part two of our EYCTE to OMB and back again essay

Part 2

Resolution

The final parts of the cycle are The Car and One Man Band. The Car is an album of self reflection from Alex, but unlike TBHC where he blames the world around them for their problems, he is taking a long good look at himself. Tracks like I Ain’t Quite Where I Think I Am and Big Ideas deal with fame and the ridiculousness of it. But it is opening track Mirrorball that sets the scene of what the majority of the album is about. Alex is the romantic fool. Miles is the one who used to always cut and run (where’s that insatiable appetite to look them in the eyes and say baby it’s been nice). Sculptures ends with a plea to Miles to be the one to help him come down from being ‘Alex Turner’ (flash that angle grinder smile etc), then onto Jet Skis on the Moat. I am still of the conviction that Jet Skis is a personal in joke between the pair of them. But the rest of the track, to me points to their reconciliation. Miles has admitted to having depression after EYCTE and lines like ‘didn’t recognise you through the smoke, Pyjama pants and a subutteo cloak’, and ‘you know it’s alright if you wanna cry’ indicate someone who has let themselves go a bit (see Doubles on OMB).

Body Paint is the heart of the album. It is Alex’s letter to himself. ‘For a master of deception and subterfuge you’ve made yourself quite the bed to lie in’. In other words, his attempts of leading his double lives have come and bitten him on the bum. It always fascinates me that it is during Body Paint on the tour that the screen behind shows several images of Alex all at once, which I always think represents his many personas.

Hello You makes mention of Electric Warrior (T Rex Album – Miles is a massive fan) and the line about ‘picking your moment along a country lane, the kind where the harmonies feel right at home’ talks very much of two young boys in the French countryside recording their first album. Let’s not forget that during the tour, the Mirrorball only ever came down for Mirrorball, 505 and Hello You….

Then we get Mr Schwartz, I think even non Milexers are pretty aware that Mr Schwartz is autobiographical, even if they just believe it is about the persona that Alex puts on. But on a deeper, Milex level, the opening like put your heavy metal to the test, to me is a play on testing your mettle, to see if someone has the strength to stick something out. The middle eight, ‘having attempted twice both incorrectly, do we get a third try’, I don’t think this is talking about TLSP, I think this is talking about their relationship. It would seem it became romantic during the recording of TAOTU, but the demands of Alex’s fame and need to appear straight got in the way, as well as Miles’ reluctance to commit. EYCTE nearly pulled them apart because their relationship was being played out in public night after night on tour, it became too much and almost broke them. I think the third try relates to today’s Milex. Understated, virtually invisible, played out in private with just their closest friends in the know. To the public Alex is Mr Schwartz with the gorgeous girlfriend and straight image, but it’s all part of the show. The Car is Alex’s grown up album, his realisation that some things are worth waiting for, that he is to blame for the mess his life is in and a plea to Miles to be patient because there may well be a place for dolls like them, if they only bide their time and let Alex do his thing because people are depending on him.

Finally we have One Man Band, Miles’ album of self reflection. It starts with Troubled Son where Miles admits he always runs away before things get too deep. Part of the reason I think Alex let it slide after EYCTE, was he was possibly convinced Miles was going to run away again anyway. Another interesting track is Baggio. In the past Miles has spoken of his childhood heroes and it has often been the Beatles. It was only really last year he opened up about Baggio and the effect him and the 1994 Italian football team had on eight year old Miles. He admitted to finding them sexy, so he is as good as saying his sexual awakening involved men, not women. Which I think is a big admission, as I have said before I think privately young Miles was the one with issues around his sexuality more than Alex.

Then we have The Wonder, which Miles issued a press release saying it was about reflecting on the return of a former lover….’this time it’s never ending, hold back the fear, your touch so ever tempting, I’ll keep you near’ ahem…

Ransom is Miles singing to a lover who has hold of his heart and this time he has run out of money to pay the ransom…in other words he can’t run away now like he has done before. Then finally we have Scared of Love, which is pretty much what it says on the tin. Miles confessing to our unseen lover that he is scared of love and them admitting they are too, but it’s okay.

So, there we have our cycle. It starts with Alex wanting to be one of the strokes – ie wanting to be famous and it has fucked up his life and his most important relationship, and ends with Miles admitting he’s scared of love, so maybe if he’d had a bit more courage he would have held on when Alex cooled down after EYCTE and not let them temporarily fall apart.

Which leads me to my opinion that we’re not going to get TLSP 3 any time soon. I get the feeling that for much of EYCTE their relationship was still in that in-between friends/lovers/not quite knowing what they are even though they loved each other, but after a period apart and a lot of self-reflection their relationship is different, so the stage dynamic would be different too. The sort of mock making out would probably feel awkward to them, and we all know Alex finds it hard to keep away from Miles when he’s nearby (hello Dublin night two), so would we end up with ECYTE part 2, which would be great for us as an audience, but maybe they don’t want the intensity of it to break them apart again.

So with the circle complete, we move forward. Miles has The Evils, and it would appear Alex is working with Tom and Loren on something. It would be great to see The Shadow Puppets together again; but personally I can do without it, if it means for the majority of the time they can be together in peace enjoying the life they deserve. They’ve waited long enough for it.

[fandom-space-princess]

Title: "Today my grandmother is 94 and does not love me."

[file under: pseudo-autobiographical short fiction. things that are neither essays nor poems.]

“Call your grandmother,” my father says. Over the phone his voice is a flat buzz. “It’s her birthday.”

———

The last time I spoke to my grandmother, she asked me if I know what will happen to me after I die. I admitted uncertainty. This was the wrong answer. My grandmother’s devotion is unassailable — her devotion to her God, that is, to her religion. Uncertainty is foremost among the many things devotion cannot abide.

She told me I did not love my family. I had no idea how to respond.

———

“She’d love it”

———

I do not call my grandmother. I am trying to write a piece of science fiction, by which I mean that I am daydreaming about Venus: imagining lofted cities adrift in the Venusian troposphere, skittering away between clouds like daughters cut free of their families.

Science (noun): knowledge, especially that gained through experience. Fiction (noun): something invented by the imagination or feigned.

Venus is always accepting prayers. You can petition her for adoration, validation, for partners of every kind to know you with wanting hands and willing minds.

When my grandmother looks at me she sees a ghost of the person she wishes I had become. Here I stand, miserable revenant thing, un-woman, in the place where she expected a granddaughter to stand. She does not know me. I think perhaps she never has.

———

“if you’d call.”

———

If I didn’t love my family, wouldn’t I know it?

(Science: a girl is born with all the eggs she’ll ever have. My grandmother’s body knew me while I was only potential within her not-yet-daughter.)

Evangelicals love eggs, because they love nothing so much in other people as the potential for them to become what the evangelical wants them to be.

Potential is what you call uncertainty when it wears its Sunday best. Genetic destiny is what you call the gifts you inherit from your grandmother: broad hips and the ability to carry a grudge, predisposition to diabetes and the inability to hold a single civil conversation with your distaff relatives.

I talk to my grandmother like I talk to god, which is to say: mostly in my head. Because I am trying to cultivate kindness of spirit, and given that an inclination to forgiveness was not among her heritable traits, I also pray that no one is listening. ———

My father tells me to call my mother’s mother. On this same subject, my own mother is silent.

———

(Fiction: one day, my family might know me for who I am, and find this person worthy.)

The heat, the pressure — to stand on the surface of Venus would destroy a person utterly. Science tells us that once, the goddess’ world may have had an atmosphere very like our own, before a runaway greenhouse effect rendered her planet uninhabitable to life in the forms we understand. My grandmother does not believe in climate change, but she does believe that the path I have taken through life has ruined me.

Someday soon I will ask a doctor to reach into my body and excise my own womb. I will complete the divorce from potential I began on the day I started to become my own person (on the day I was born). I am motherland to no one: I will bear no daughters.

———

My grandmother asks me if I love my family. I hand her a page torn from a Bible, on which every word is crossed out save “begot.”

[keepingsecretstokeepyoutk]

High Infidelity - full lyrical analysis ✨

I’ve been thinking about Taylor’s recent steps towards coming out on the eras tour all day, especially her reading of Seven (it’s really been sinking in today on a new level). And in light of her making a clear declaration to her fans about hoping they can accept her, about how they might meet a new version of her that doesn’t match their romanticized idea of her…I want to share my full lyrical analysis of “High Infidelity”.

At a glance: I essentially see this song as a metaphor for her fans finding out who she really is and reacting like a spouse who has been cheated on. She equates her closeting to “infidelity” and imagines the aftermath of revealing her truth, grappling with both the part of her that harbors guilt about the “lying” and half-truths she’s engaged with to stay hidden, and with the part of her that is hurt and frustrated with those who have effectively already rejected her by way of refusing to see what’s right in front of them.

This song has a lot going on, so I’m just going to walk you through my thought process:

My understanding of this song hinges on this lyric in the chorus: “your picket fence is sharp as knives/ I was dancing around, dancing around it”

This line, with it’s suggestion of a suburban setting, gives me some context for the two verses, which to me read as two different situations, both in a domestic setting.

The first verse reads to me as being from the perspective of a younger narrator, (not necessarily Taylor, but an allegorical young woman), maybe a memory of being a teen, at her parents’ house. The second verse reads like the same narrator, as an adult, living in her husband’s house/marital home.

The fact that Taylor has made it very very clear that these songs are autobiographical, and this is her most vulnerable album in years, makes the following lyrics that much more intriguing.

Verse 1:

“Lock broken/ slur spoken/wound open/ game token/I didn’t know you were keeping count/ Rain soaking/blind hoping/you said I was freeloading/ I didn’t know you were keeping count”

“Lock broken/slur spoken” = someone barges into a room with a closed door, and swears. I picture a homophobic parent walking in on their daughter making out with/being intimate with her secret girlfriend, and the ensuing fight.

“Game token” sounds like her sexuality was then something that then got played against her, to make her compliant in other parts of her life. “You’ve disappointed us enough haven’t you? You better x” x could be making perfect grades, being a high achiever in some other way, doing this family thing that makes you uncomfortable, but most of all, x equals staying closeted, hiding the family shame.

“You said I was free loading/I didn’t know you were keeping count” Her family continues to treat her differently after this revelation, just tolerating her presence, treating her like a stranger in her own home, a tenant instead of a daughter. Maybe at some point she thinks things might change or might be starting to get better but has a blow out fight with one of her parents and they say something to the effect of “how dare you when I allow you to keep living under my roof” making her realize that they aren’t going to change and that it’s not healthy to stick around, so she resolves to leave.

Verse 2:

“Storm coming/good husband/Bad omen/Dragged my feet right down the aisle/at the house lonely/good money/I’d pay if you just know me/Seemed like the right thing at the time”

“storm coming” means the consequences of getting found out/ outed. The same allegorical woman from the first verse married a man that she didn’t love because she was afraid of living her truth and the potential consequences (= the storm). But doing so has left her lonely, isolated, and empty, and she regrets her decision.

I think Taylor is using this narrative arc outlined in the verses to tell her own story.

The first verse represents getting found out by the public, likely referencing kissgate. “Lock broken” then is a metaphor for her secret life being revealed. “Slur spoken,” representing the disapproving party, likely references her homophobic fans. In addition, given the lines about game tokens and keeping count, she may also be referencing her manager/team/record company and their reaction to her “jeopardizing” everything she’s worked for and hundreds of people’s jobs by being so “reckless”, when really they were just interested in continuing to make millions off of her, and found a way to use this guilt to control her.

The second verse would then represent she and Karlie deciding to get into serious bearding contracts in 2015 to avoid the “storm coming”.

“Good husband/Bad omen” acknowledges that the choice to “take a husband” in the form of their beards, set them up for trouble in the future. A bad omen fortells what’s coming, and Taylor and Karlie likely both knew that while their lavender “marriages” would serve them well for the time being, they would also bring with them unknowable complications and inevitable strife, especially if they one day decided to come out. Their bearding up to this point had been shortlived pr stunts, but Karlie marrying someone and Taylor carrying on a beard narrative for 6+ years is a more complicated web to untangle.

Thus, “dragged my feet right down the aisle”.

“At the house lonely/Good money/ I’d pay if you just know me” the well-placed line break allows this lyric to represent both the financial security they get by staying closeted, but also how Taylor would pay good money to be truly known and accepted by her fans.

All of this brings us to the chorus, which steps outside of the allegory established in the verses which provide a backstory for the emotions expressed in the choruses.

The chorus has three parts: two parts that are mostly repeated with each chorus, but with two lines that change with each repeat of the chorus, and a third part that is made up of two longer lines, which sonically contrast well with the short lines in the verses and the first two parts of the chorus, meaning these two longer lines punctuate the song and underscore the content of the two lines.

Chorus Parts 1 & 2:

“High infidelity/put on your records and regret me/ I bent the truth too far tonight/ and I was dancing around/ dancing around it/high infidelity/ put on your headphones and burn my city/ your picket fence is sharp as knives/I was dancing around/dancing around it.”

Chorus Part 3:

“Do you really want to know where I was April 29th?/ Do I really have to chart the constellations in his eyes?”

(In the second chorus, the second line of the third part goes: “Do I really have to tell you how he brought me back to life?”)

“High infidelity/put on your records and regret me/I bent the truth too far tonight/I was dancing around/dancing around it”

The chorus is Taylor imagining fully coming out, and some of her fans reactions.“High infidelity” would be referring to Taylor “lying” to her fans, who have a close parasocial relationship to the person they believe her to be, and who might feel “betrayed” if they found out Taylor was hiding a big part of who she is. “Put on your records and regret me” imagines then either listening to her old albums, hanging on to their idea of her, her use of male pronouns, etc, or maybe hate listening to her music, seething about how “fake” she was the whole time they “supported her”. Or maybe they’ll listen to other music, trying to drown out her songs (which they’ll never be able to do because they’re burned into their memory).

“I was dancing around it” refers to everything we have occupied ourselves with in this corner of the internet for a number of years: all of her signaling, her Easter eggs, her bait and switches, her clever word choices, disgusting her truth in plain sight. She has included bits and pieces of her truth in her lyrics, but not been direct.

I see the coupling of “I bent the truth too far” with “I was dancing around it” as both acknowledging the lies that went too far (Grammy gate, betty gate) but also her saying, “I’ve been trying to tell you” (I gave so many signs)

Part two of the chorus: “High infidelity/put on your headphones and burn my city/your picket fence is sharp as knives/I was dancing around, dancing around it”.

“Burn my city” - Cities typically burn in literature or in real life when the masses riot/are enraged. I think this shows Taylor’s real fear that if she were to plainly come out, her fans would burn her memory/empire, and disown her and their journey together. However, fire also symbolizes cleansing, a new beginning, or a change of power, so while this visual could demonstrate her fear of losing everything and no longer being “on top”, it could also echo the optimistic fire symbols we’ve seen recently (lover house burning, her staring at the lighter with vengeance and excitement in her eyes, and her smiling while her castle burns in bejeweled). This layer offers the song an irreverent tone, one that echoes her spoken performance of Seven, which to me sounded like she has made peace with the fact that she may lose some of her fans when she fully comes out.

“Your picket fence is sharp as knives” sounds like Taylor expressing the pain that others expectations of her have caused her. To me it sounds like her saying “I may have lied, but you were keeping me prisoner in that fantasy of me being the perfect all-American woman”. We have already heard her express this in this album cycle, her exasperation with the marriage rumors, the 1950’s shit.

This dynamic between closeted pop star and fans parallels a narrative of infidelity in a traditionally gendered heterosexual relationship. The wife that has cheated out of a desperation to be seen and appreciated, imprisoned by her picket fence which represents the sexist expectations put on her to perform as a perfect wife. Taylor has lied for the same reasons. Because of the gendered expectations put on her as a woman, that forced her to tell her audience what they wanted to hear, lest she suffer “the storm.”

But what then does the third part of the chorus refer to?

“Do you really wanna know where I was April 29th/ Do I really need to chart the constellations in his eyes?”

Taylor is continuing with the metaphor of infidelity to allegorize a “discussion” with her fans post coming out. With this lyric, a confrontation with the cheated-on spouse, She says, essentially, “do you really need me to spell it out for you? Do you really want me to detail something you clearly want to be in the dark about?”

Taylor is pointing out that this lie has been a two-way street. Anyone closely following her and willfully believing her bearding narrative at this point is consenting to denial and social artifice, both of which we happen to also associate with picket fences and American suburbia.

This allegory of Taylor as the cheating trophy wife, and her fans as the absent or unappreciative husband, goes deep. In both cases, the relationship was doomed from the start, to the fault of both parties, and larger social structures. The wife likely married a man with red flags, and played the part she thought she needed to play to find love and stability. The husband didn’t bother to dig under her performance, by spending time with her and truly getting to know her; he was comfortable with her being the “perfect woman” poised and done up, a good homemaker. Society at large enforced both of these choices.

Taylor played the part she thought she needed to in order to be successful, perhaps past the age she was powerless to do otherwise, and her fans didn’t want to see the real her once she started to reveal it; they were happy with their idea of who she was, partially because it had been fed to them, and partially because once that idea started to loose merit they refused to take notice. Society at large dictated the part Taylor should play, and enforced the heteronormativity that allowed her fans to continue believing her public narrative when it became flimsy at best.

The choice to employ the cheating allegory also seems to suggest that Taylor is underscoring the moral gray area of her situation - not the fact of being closeted, but the extent to which she has gone in some cases to protect her career and her loved ones. (Again, this brings to mind undeserved awards given to certain people, and the collateral damage of her queer fans being targeted by straight fans, etc.) There is no absolute right or wrong, no wholey innocent party. The wife had her reasons to cheat, Taylor had her reasons to lie, but still some regrettable moves were made, which left Taylor feeling regretful - or at least yearning for a life without the hiding and deceit.

This point places this song squarely within the larger themes of this album - namely, Taylor reflecting on the choices she’s made along the way in her closeting journey, and the uncertainty she has over whether she’s made the correct ones. As with other songs like Dear Reader and Anti Hero, her writing here maintains an ambiguity that belies her inner turmoil about her choice to prioritize her career over her personal life. She states again and again that she is, at least in part, the architect of her own misfortune, even if she built it for survival.

This song is an outstanding example of what I love most in Taylor’s writing. When you can’t tell a story outright, you have to tell it in allegory, when you can’t name a feeling, you have to describe it, either viscerally or in elaborate symbolism, which, when executed by someone with her talent, makes for unmatched storytelling.

[bookreviewcoffee]

The novel "Confessions of a Mask" by Yukio Mishima stands out as one of the finest works in the author's repertoire. Serving as Mishima's debut novel, it bears a strong autobiographical nature. The protagonist, Kimi, serves as the author's alter ego. Published in 1949, during a time when societal morals were stricter and norms less accepting, the novel sparked scandal and shocked readers. "Confessions of a Mask" can be seen as a coming-of-age novel, focusing on the maturation process of a teenager as he tries to understand himself, his emotions, and the motivations behind his actions. Kimi realizes that he is different from his peers in many ways, lacking the same interest in girls and displaying indifference towards women. In his quest for self-understanding, he begins to wear a metaphorical "mask" to blend in with others. Kimi attempts to fall in love with a girl, which leads him to Sonoko, the sister of a friend. However, I interpret this book as a tale of personal growth and self-realization. It is incredibly candid, at times cynical, yet also touching and evoking sympathy. The inability to love and receive love, the constant struggle to conform to societal expectations, and the continuous act of wearing masks that almost blend seamlessly with reality are all elements that are authentically portrayed. In these confessions, the "mask" explains to both himself and the reader why he is the way he is. One notable aspect is Kimi's relationship with Sonoko, which highlights his acute appreciation for beauty and his ability to admire the aesthetic qualities of women. However, his admiration remains purely contemplative, further emphasizing his inherent uniqueness. "Confessions of a Mask" serves as a journey of self-discovery for the protagonist. Through heartache, rejection, and attempts at self-improvement, he reflects on his own identity and the role he plays in society. The novel delves into forbidden yet sensual desires. It draws associations with paintings, literary works, and the protagonist's own attempts to create artistic imagery through words. This adds depth and richness to the narrative, allowing readers to experience a range of emotions while exploring themes of identity, self-acceptance, and societal pressures. In conclusion, "Confessions of a Mask" is a remarkable novel that explores the complexities of personal growth and self-realization. Mishima's candid and thought-provoking storytelling paints a vivid picture of a young man's journey towards understanding his own identity. The novel remains as relevant today as it was when it was first published, inviting readers to reflect on their own experiences of wearing masks and embracing their true selves.

[alyssasmaddworld]

there's this level of dissociation that goes hand in hand with daydreaming and i feel like it's something i wouldn't know how to begin explaining to somebody who's anti-endo.

maladaptive daydreaming is not inherently caused by trauma. it's considered something you use to cope with it. but for a LOT of people, and as confirmed in multiple studies, it is a dissociative disorder. there's even a level of plurality with it.

you have these people in your head, and you cant destroy them. a lot of them can feel like REAL people. you create worlds, plot lines, and you connect with these characters in a way where they slowly become their own being. their own person. how is this ANY different from being plural?

the answer is: it's really not. if you view plural as synonymous with systemhood then maybe i can see why you'd have a problem with the phrasing, but based off of the actual definitions of plural, maladaptive daydreaming fits the criteria.

the next issue that people tend to have with maladaptive daydreaming being considered plural is that maladaptive daydreaming isn't its own disorder. but something doesnt need to be a disorder for it to be significant in the mental health industry.

a common "rebuttle" of endogenic systems is that they "appropriate" other cultures, but what most people making this argument fail to realize is that, this is HOW culture works. western culture is actively affected by the cultures of other areas. do you genuinely believe that theres not a single Buddhist in america practicing tulpulmacy? that this is SOLELY a non-western phenomenon? then why is "traditional traumagenic" mentioned at all, and not JUST traumagenic?

but there are articles that talk about the importance of listening to the internet, and the words they've cultivated. something i've been told is irrelevant because "an endo made that word" IS BEING heard by therapists all across the globe, not just in america.

"the reader is reminded that culture is dynamic rather than static, meaning that just as our understanding of the online community is different today than it was twenty years ago, this will continue to shift and evolve into the future as well"

things CHANGE. research ADVANCES. and with that, we also know that maladaptive daydreaming is BEYOND VALID on the dissociative spectrum. it has ALWAYS been there, it just wasn't considered a disordered behavior before the 2000s.

on top of this, there's a study that further affirms it's place in the endogenic sphere specifically.

despite this, her brain scans showed "great activity in the ventral striatum, the part of the brain that lights up when an alcoholic is shown images of a martini. Frankly it was super strong"

this means she isn't just mind wandering. mind wandering is what people THINK daydreaming is.

"Mind wandering refers to the occurrence of thoughts that are not tied to the immediate environment—thoughts that are not related to a given task at hand"

mind wandering lights up the Default Mode Network side of the brain, the DMN. the DMN controls Autobiographical information, Memories of collection of events and facts about one's self, Self-reference, Referring to traits and descriptions of one's self.

maladaptive daydreaming has its own dissociative absorption, and it affects the brain differently than mind wandering. it's a proper form of dissociation.

and..would you look at that?? spiritual practices are mentioned. i wonder which endogenic system that reminds me of! (much love to sophie!). it's just further credence towards the fact that non-traumatic systems can exist. why else would maladaptive be on the spectrum, honestly?

trauma doesn't CAUSE maladaptive daydreaming. trauma doesnt cause dissociative absorption. they are ALL coping mechanisms as a way to deal with whatever trauma may be going on-- or it can literally be a choice in the sense that you can actively choose to get absorbed into a book, or how you choose to maladaptive daydream. you can let it interfere with your life and become debilitating and disordered (because sometimes people dont WANT to change) but this doesnt mean it's traumatic.

with all this being said, how is this not a valid presentation of plurality?