#because i must be up at 6:30 at the latest

[sparklecryptid]

uni is turning me into a morning person and i can say that i am going KICKING AND SCREAMING

[accirax]

Danganronpa: Despair Time Chapter 2 Episode 12 Dissection

DANGANRONPA DESPAIR TIME IS BACK, BABY!!!

And in the vein of what many others have being doing since the episode came out, I will here be posting my thoughts on what this latest episode has brought to the table. This post will be a mixture of pointing out things I found fun/interesting and more serious theorizing about the murder and the events of the surrounding chapter. I also tried not to read too many other people's opinions or theories before writing my own post so that I hopefully wouldn't have my immediate opinions swayed, so I apologize if I've missed any critical easter eggs that others have pointed out or if I'm just beating a dead horse.

Let the episode commence!

SPOILERS for Danganronpa: Despair Time through Chapter 2, Episode 12!

Really important/long stuff will probably have a header-y title under it as well. I also might skip around in time a bit to put relevant pieces of evidence together? IDK, I'm kinda winging this for this first episode.

The Whole AM/PM Thing

Charles: The evidence against David-- in fact, our entire line of reasoning hinges on the fact that Arei must have been killed at around 7:30 PM last night. But the primary reason we believe the murder occurred at that time is because of the fish found at the crime scene. From that, Teruko concluded that since the killer accessed the relaxation room for water, the murder couldn't have occurred during night time. So, unless I'm missing some other piece of evidence that could explain it... Why couldn't the killer simply have taken the water during daytime and stored it for later use?

Well, by this point I think that pretty much everyone (on Tumblr, at least) was in agreement that Arei was killed in the morning rather than the evening, no matter who their personal choice of killer was. So, the murder happening in the morning isn't much of a surprise.

For all my talk of trying not to look at others' theories, I did talk with my sister @venus-is-thinking in person after we watched the episode, and she brought up a really good point that I'd like to reiterate here. Sorry for stealing something that you'll certainly bring up in your post as well! I just want as many people to be aware of it as possible.

During the investigation, Nico says that they fed the fish last night after they ate dinner, and didn't notice any fish missing at that time. To be fair, Teruko tries to press them for a specific time, and Nico responds that they don't remember at what hour exactly they fed the fish or ate dinner.

However (likely relevantly to the murder) we do have specific intel about last night's dinner to get a better sense of some timing. When Teruko is talking to Charles and Whit in the Computer Room, Whit remarks that it's "past dinner time," and Teruko's stomach growls. This is likely using Whit's internal clock and sense of when dinner time is as opposed to a MonoTV-mandated meal time, but given that no one else is in the Kitchen besides Teruko, Charles, Whit, and David when the former three enter, and we know that Nico must have had dinner before the Relaxation Room closed at 10 PM, we can probably assume that Nico also ate dinner around a regular "dinner time."

However x2, we also know that, after Teruko, Charles, and Whit go to the Kitchen, Whit sends David to the Relaxation Room, and Teruko mentions that she was planning to eat there as well. That means that we have three accounts of students believing that the Relaxation Room was open at that time, so we can assert that the terucharwhit dinner scene occurs before 10 PM.

So, what does this mean? Well, we'll start by assuming that Nico ate dinner at, like... 6:30? Hu says that she and Eden have a tradition of cleaning up after dinner together, starting at 7 PM. I'm ballparking that eating a meal might take about 30 minutes, so that would mean everyone is done at 7:00. Therefore, Nico probably fed the fish at around 7:00 as well.

We'll also set egg dinner (that's what I'm calling terucharwhit + David dinner now) at, like 9:30. Once again assuming that someone could eat dinner in about 30 minutes, that means either David or Teruko could comfortably eat their dinner before the Relaxation Room closed. It also gives the culprit basically the widest possible amount of time to steal the fish, and I like to be as all-inclusive as possible.

To return to the main point for a moment, Venus' argument was that, because Nico interacted with the fish at night and didn't notice any of them missing, the culprit still must have taken the fish at night (but before 10 PM), not just at any point of the day. Based on my time frame, that means that whoever killed Arei (or someone working with them) must have gotten the fish at some time between 7:00 and 9:30. Let's run through who that could possibly be:

Teruko: There's a small window of opportunity for her to have done it before meeting with Charles and Whit in the Computer Lab, but we didn't see her do that, so I'm gonna say no.

Xander: He was dead.

Charles: I'm pretty sure Charles and Whit have claimed to be together all day, and they were at least already together in the Computer Lab working together on something before Teruko entered. Assuming they weren't in on this together, I'm going to give him a tentative no.

Ace: So, assuming that Ace was telling the truth about overhearing David and Arei on the night of Day 7, he would have been in the Gym at ~9:30 on the night the fish were taken. That is to say, if he had just taken the fish (and potentially even hid them in the Gym fridge), he absolutely could have gone to the Gym afterwards. I don't remember him having any sort of alibi otherwise. Easy yes.

Arei: Given that, other than Ace (and David) claiming to have seen her at 9:30, no one is admitting to have seen Arei since lunchtime, Arei did have a window of opportunity to take the fish. Obviously, why she would (inadvertently or not) help her killer to kill her is still a huge question mark, but we're talking possibility, so it's a yes.

Rose: Rose has no alibi ever because she's asleep. Yes.

Hu: Hu and Eden claim to have a continuous alibi together between 7 and 10 PM. Again, unless they're in on it together, tentative no.

Eden: Same as Hu. Tentative no.

Levi: Levi was "doing his laundry," which even he admits is shaky at best. He's a yes.

Arturo: J says that Arturo was by her side from the entire time between 7:30 and 10 PM. Third time's the charm-- unless Arturo and J were in on it together, Arturo is a tentative no.

Min: She was dead.

David: David entered the Kitchen for egg dinner at ~9:30, but we don't know where he was before that. Similarly, we don't know what happened at the end of Ace's story, which leaves David a window of opportunity to have taken the fish just before the Relaxation Room closed. Either way, definite yes.

Veronika: Veronika was with Teruko at the end of the night, but we don't know where she was before that. She had an opportunity; yes.

J: Arturo's alibi goes both ways. Tentative no.

Whit: Same as Charles. Tentative no.

Nico: Nico both had ample opportunity to have taken the fish before 9:30, and could have been lying about the timing of the fish despite that. Another easy yes.

So, what does that tell us? Well, it likely means that either the killer has to be Ace, Arei, Rose, Levi, David, Veronika, Nico, or someone who has one of those seven as an accomplice, or I/the students have something wrong about the timing. Venus' other point was that it's weird that that hasn't come up at this point in the Trial, so don't be surprised if we come back to it later. Or we're wrong.

And those were my notes on... the first two minutes of the Trial! That whole ramble that probably could have been a whole theory post by itself! God, I need to pick up the pace...

Dang, what a cool detail that literally none of us picked up on (as far as I remember). Seriously, how did nobody even throw that out as an off-the-wall possibility? Anyways, if the body was still swinging, that means the murder-- or at least the hanging-- was recent recent. Sadly, given that no detail is given as to who arrives in the Motive Screening Room when, I don't think we have any further evidence to pin down who this might have been at the moment. Keep it in mind, though.

Okay, so I believe that J is right about "answering her own question" here, but that does therefore lead us to the conclusion that the body probably was drenched in water at some point. I do not know why. It'd be interesting if it was to clean blood off of Arei's body, although Artruro-not-being-the-killer pending there weren't any cuts or scrapes on her body. It could have also been a mistake, it's just weirder to have a mistake that covers the entire body in water. Or, it could be a failure in Arturo's alibi, which is obviously a major point of the episode.

I literally said exactly this while Ace was talking. Thank you Charles <3

First point that I feel people have commented on already: we now know that the DRDT cast believes that they are about 18! This makes sense, given that they believed that they were about to enter their first year of college, which, in the United States, happens at about 18.

Secondly...

Arturo: I started studying medicine when I was twelve. Twelve! All that amounts to is six years of medical training!

Arturo: I was only able to get this far in such a short amount of time because I specialized in plastic surgery, and nothing else. I neglected everything that wasn't immediately relevant to my goals.

Felicity is 3-4 years younger than Arturo. Therefore, she was 8-9 when Arturo started studying medicine. I don't think we have enough info at the moment to speculate as to when Arturo might have left home to pursue being a doctor, other than that 14 is generally the minimum possible age of employment in the US, while the legal age to live alone is 18. I'd love to dive into this more, but I don't think we've been given enough to complete a full timeline. Still, important to keep in mind.

A certified W for verturo shippers. "Adorable" is such a word choice.

Oh, so that's where that came from. Convenient that it doesn't seem to be relevant to this murder, because I have no explanation for it. I wonder if it'll be relevant in the future, though, or if it was just a funny gag that DRDTdev wanted to include.

As much as I've tried to refute Whit mastermind theory in the past, I have to admit that this moment was pretty suspicious for Whit. "Because it was funny" could easily be a coverup for "that's an executable offense but I'm programmed to not want to kill my mastermind so I let it go." It's still not concrete proof by any means, but I can tell that I'll be seeing this screenshot more in the future if I try to argue against Whit being the mastermind again.

Mechanisms, you say? 👀

I have been thinking so much about what the fuck this line means ever since Whit said it. Did they actually spend the night together, and Whit is just framing it in a subversively funny way? Is he saying that he's so sure that Charles doesn't have any friends other than him that there's no possibility that Charles could have been with anyone else other than him? Is he secretly the mastermind, and knows that Charles was alone through watching a security camera? Was he just saying that to be random and banking on being correct? Sir, I do not understand you. You're the best <3

Are J, David, and Veronika Telling the Truth?

Given how popular of an option J being the killer is (and to a lesser extent, David as well), I'm sure there are plenty of people out there right now wondering if this alibi, which seemingly clears J, David, and Veronika of being the blackened, could possibly be untrue. That's what we're going to attempt to examine right now.

For starters, I'm going to eliminate the possibility that all three of them are co-conspirators in Arei's death. Like, yeah, it's possible-- I guess-- but I don't understand what any of their motivations would be, or even if they did all have corresponding motivations, why any of them would have shared them with each other prior to the Trial. It also seems like a mess narratively, with three largely unconnected characters coming together to pull off an unsupported major stunt. So, I don't think this was a planned lie to conceal their teamwork.

All of them do also have plausible enough reasons for being out early in the morning. J shared hers with the Class-- she was hoping to have an Arturo-free breakfast. David makes lots of sense, as he was probably looking around hoping that there would be a body so that the secrets wouldn't be revealed. Veronika might have been awake for the same reasons; looking around for a body in hopes of having another exciting Class Trial. Or, maybe she was just so excited about seeing all the motives that she couldn't sleep. Either way, it doesn't seem too unbelievable to think that any of them would be awake in the morning, so I'm not inclined to believe it's a lie.

The only way I think you could get out of this disqualifying these three is if you say that all three of them, but especially J, are exceptionally quick on their feet.

For this to work, J has to realize ahead of time that David was trying to draw votes to himself in order to purposefully fail the Trial, bank on the fact that this is true, and throw this fake alibi out to him, hoping that he'll accept. If J could win the Class Trial as a blackened, this would also end the killing game early, which is David's stated goal. Veronika is an easier get, given that she might agree to a chaotic lie if she found it interesting enough, but it's still a gamble.

However, this situation is incredibly niche, and still really only works if J specifically is the killer. I think we can pretty officially take David and Veronika out of the running with this. Personally, trying to see things from DRDTdev's point of view, I think he just wanted a clean sweep to remove David from killer contention, and added J and Veronika as collateral as two people who aren't the killer.

I would personally take this alibi as concrete proof that J isn't the killer, but I understand if anyone still thinks there are enough holes in its suddenness to keep J in contention. My deepest condolences to J!culprit truthers-- I'm sure that alibi must've stung. (/gen)

"Harm yourself for fun" secret go brrrrrrr.

I'm making this my new tumblr header.

Yeah, seems in accordance with his actions to me.

Oh my god another "good person" name drop AAAAAAAAAA--

Being good corresponding to sacrificing something is super interesting. Whether he's a culprit or an accomplice or what, I can't help but feel like this theme might apply to Levi in the near future.

But also, David is saying that the sacrifice is being seen as a good person, not that you have to sacrifice being seen as a good person to do good things. That part seems like it relates to David's career. He doesn't seem to like being around people very much, but he's seen as a paragon of motivational speaking because he thinks that those speeches, will, overall, do some good. David would rather be a nobody, but he'll sacrifice himself to do some good for others. Or, at least, that's the charitable reading.

And, the other "good person" jumpscare. This brings our "good people" counter up to 6, including Teruko, Eden, Arei, David, Levi, and Xander.

What the Fuck is David Talking About?

David: After all, it's still unbelievable to me... That I'm the only person here who remembered him. Even if you all lost a year of memories for this killing game, there's no reason you shouldn't have recognized who he was.

Alright. So! This was one of the biggest reveals of the episode. Probably unrelated to the Trial at hand, but very intriguing for the story overall.

I went back to rewatch some of the most prominent David/Xander scenes. From David's introduction, here's everything he says before Xander runs off to grab the pen and paper for the autograph. All of these are said directly to Xander.

David: Woah! (chime sound) Sir, is everything alright? You gave me quite the scare.

David: Yes, that's me, although I don't believe we've met before.

David: Ahaha, you flatter me. But yes, it is my goal to inspire others. I wish to make everyone realize that their aspirations are within grasp; all they have to do is find the motivation within their hearts to inspire them.

David: O-oh, wow. I'm incredibly honored, I suppose? Sorry, I don't really know how to respond.

Interestingly, there isn't actually anything to directly contradict the idea that David remembered Xander at this point, if you get a bit creative with it. Just because David "doesn't think they've met before" doesn't mean that he doesn't know who Xander is, and being "genuinely honored" could have been more genuine than most people interpreted.

There are only two points of contention, the first of which being that David calls Xander "sir." That does read more as David not knowing who he is-- he doesn't call Xander "Xander" even though Teruko already said Xander's name. However, depending on how highly David thought of Xander in the past-- because he certainly seems to think highly of Xander in the present-- David might have wanted to call him "sir" at first as a sign of formality and respect, before getting Xander's permission to be on a first name basis. Even if Xander still calls him Mr. David.

(Goddamn I typed Xander so many times in that paragraph)

The other weird point is when David says "anything for a fan" in response to Xander asking for an autograph, but that's far more excusable. Like, Xander is a massive fan of his, so calling Xander a fan is reasonable. David might have been happy that such a cool guy as Xander was a fan of his, and was stressing that fact out of delight. Or, this is after Teruko caught him slipping, so he could have also reverted into default customer service mode and said that in a more scripted mindset.

Meanwhile, in the scene where David approaches Teruko and Xander after Nico flees the lunch table...

... I CAN'T BELIEVE WE FUCKING MISSED THIS.

Do you see that? Do you see where David says "in person"? That strongly implies that David knew Xander not in person prior to the killing game. Good god, it's been there all along.

Other than that, the scene is full of David being embarrassed at Xander speaking highly of him, David speaking highly of Xander, and, of course, the mutual "you're my idol" moment. Dude, I thought that David was just gaslight gatekeep girlbossing here. You're telling me that everything he was saying about thinking that Xander was the coolest guy on earth was legit? Unreal.

Anyways, I don't have the time to rewatch, like, the entire first Trial to check up on every little comment David makes, but I find that comment about knowing Xander in person definite enough to conclude that David knew who Xander was since the very start of the killing game, not that he remembered something about Xander along the way.

How exactly David knew about Xander is still up in the air. I know that Microphony has a theory that David remembered Xander from their time together at Hope's Peak, and while it's a great theory and I don't doubt that the two did go to Hope's Peak together, I have a bit of a hard time believing that. My only holdup is that I feel like letting David remember Hope's Peak would be too powerful, and having him remember being with Xander at Hope's Peak while remembering nothing else about his time there is too... like, specific? Nit-picky? I don't have the word, but I hope you understand what I mean.

Instead, I think that David might remember what Xander did in response to the North C and Chariton incident that presumably earned him the title of Ultimate Rebel. That makes more sense to me as something that would make David idolize Xander in the same way that Xander idolized him-- if David just remembers their time at school, he would probably remember Xander on more friendly terms. It would also be super convenient to have David still be alive with memories of, say, Richard Spurling, to share with the class in future chapters, now that Xander is too dead to say anything more on the subject.

Sadly, I don't remember if there's any information in Literature Girl Insane to point theories in either direction. I'm gonna have to rewatch FF's video again sometime fr.

Is David Telling the Truth?

David: We're... in a television show, after all. That's... what MonoTV said, right? "Entertainment" is an ongoing show. If Min successfully got away with the very first murder and escaped while we all died, then isn't that way less interesting for a TV show? What's the point of roping 14 other people into one murder, only to kill them all off immediately? The killer is supposed to fail and be executed. We're all supposed to catch the killer, again and again, and participate in trial after trial. You're supposed to try to survive. All of you who are trying to survive these class trials to continue living on are playing straight into MonoTV's hands. As if I'll accept that. I don't care how low I'll sink, or how despicable I'll have to become. I'll do anything to carry on Xander's ideals by ending this killing game, even if it means that I have to dirty my hands.

Firstly, I'm so glad that we're returning to the fact that this is a televised killing game! It seems like it has to be really important to whatever the lore is, so I'm glad that the students haven't artificially forgotten that fact until Chapter 6.

Secondly, I phrased this part as "is David telling the truth" because, initially, I thought that David had a different reason for lying about killing Arei. My thought was that he thought that pathetically advocating for himself would only make himself look more guilty, so he switched up tactics by making it look like so easy of a victory that people like Teruko would wind up proving his innocence themselves. Because that seemed plausible, I wanted to examine if David could have come up with this explanation on the fly. He's known for lying and should be socially savvy, so it's possible that this argument was just a red herring to conceal his true intentions.

However, given the prior section in which I argued that it really does seem like David knew and admired Xander prior to the killing game, I'm more inclined to believe that this was the true reason. Furthermore, this was a really interesting scene, and it'd be a shame to introduce such a fascinating character idea to toss it away for an "actually, he was just trying to lie about this Chapter 2 Trial."

There's also the good ol' Literature Girl Insane, for real this time. This plan reminded me so much of the "tallying votes" scene that I had to check it out for myself.

[12] “Majority rule” is known to be the fairest method of making decisions for a group. That's why murderers never complained when we voted for them to die.

The voting results definitely sound like David's plan. If he successfully made himself the killer, everyone would be executed, and while he would have "victory" over the killing game, it would certainly be a hollow one.

The 16 vote tally is still a bit more confusing, but I think you could relate it to David's plan as well. If you assume that David is the one getting all of the votes, you could say that his plan to end the killing game no matter the cost (throwing away his career, being hated by everyone, possibly even killing someone himself) might make him guilty of a crime/worthy of being voted for, whether he literally kills someone or not. Therefore, if the majority hates him and he achieves the closest thing to "victory" that he can, there's no reason for him to complain if it means he has to die. It could be his justification for why he has to fill out his mission, even if, in his heart, he doesn't want to.

I don't know if that's the explanation of footnote 12 or just an explanation with the new scenes given, but I think it's a possibility. There's also certainly far more to dive into regarding both David's worldview and the motivations behind the killing game, but if I started looking into that now, I wouldn't publish this post until way later. I'll have to leave that analysis for another time and/or another person.

Love Hu for this. At least for someone like me, who finds David's mindset sort of relatable at times, it's important to have someone around to point out the flaws of compulsive martyrdom and give a reality check that doing something wrong in the pursuit of what you think is right is still (sometimes) an utterly fucked up thing to do. They're both such good characters, and they work off each other so well.

Furthering the above point, even if David is doing it for what he believes to be "good" reasons, he's still ultimately manipulating people! You know, like his secret said!!! You don't have to believe that everyone is stupid to believe that you're smarter than them and you know what's best. But there's also the delicious irony that, despite Hu being the one to say this to David, she's also the one talking over Nico.

I am so sorry to all the whitvid shippers in the crowd. Unless this is the dynamic you crave, idk.

I wish that this line was voice acted just so that I could hear Ace's "uhh umm" Nico impression.

Are Hu and Nico Lying?

We're back at it again.

Needless to say, this is way more suspicious than J, Veronika, and David's alibi. First of all, Hu and Nico are only two people, which makes it far more believable that they could conspire on the murder together. Second, unlike the former random group of characters, this latter pair are very intertwined. And third, this supposed breakfast occurred in a private location that only Hu and Nico could have possibly seen, as opposed to J, who said she was in a public location. If Ace or whoever had been in the public Dining Room at 7:30 AM, he could have called J out for lying, whereas no one can contradict the idea of Nico and Hu being in Nico's room.

However, for Hu to be lying and for Nico to not oppose her (despite pointing out the fact that they were interrupted) would strongly imply that they'd have to be in on the plan to murder Arei together. The easiest way to get there would be to assume that they were also in on the plan to murder Ace together. Understandable enough; I'm sure we're all aware at this point that Nico and what appears to be Hu's wire were both found at the scene of the Gym crime. They could've tried to murder Ace, got caught, and then switched targets to a different bully because Ace was too on guard? Nico would have been able to grab the fish, so there's no issue there.

I'm inclined to believe that Nico and Hu are telling the truth just because I personally don't believe either of them to be Arei's blackened, and I don't understand what either of their motivations to be an accomplice specifically would be in this situation. It would be pretty hypocritical of Hu to go off on David for trying to control whether everyone else lives or dies if she was currently the blackened trying to get everyone else to die so she could live. Or, even worse, if she was an accomplice trying to get everyone else to die so that Nico could live. That'd basically be what David was trying to do with a different coat of paint!

However, this could easily be a lie, especially given how suspiciously late it was compared to what J said. We had a whole David monologue in the middle. Those things last for ages.

WHAT THE FUCK!!!

Okay, so, obviously, I could try to go over the implications of this, but with the next episode only a week away (I cry tears of joy), I think it's in my best interest to leave whatever I'll have to say about what Levi is doing until we have more information about his mindset. What a cliffhanger, though. Levi accomplice nation, it's currently looking... iffy.

Anyways, that was a fantastic episode! I loved getting a chance to learn more about Arturo, David, Xander, and the rest of the gang, with promise of more interesting things to come in the near future. I can't believe that they still haven't talked about the actual murder method at all. And that there were literally no trial mechanics in this video. Who needs 'em?

I hope you enjoyed my perspective on the episode. If you have any additions or questions, feel free to send me a comment or an ask. There's also a chance that I'll add onto this myself after seeing other people's ideas to respond to them. But for that, I'll have to read other people's ideas. I'm off to see what my mutuals have to say >:D See ya!

[ambcass]

ᴊᴀꜱᴏɴ ᴛᴏᴅᴅ || ᴛʜᴇ ᴀꜰᴛᴇʀᴍᴀᴛᴄʜ.

𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐣𝐚𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬. (𝐏𝐓.𝟏)

warnings: mentions of throwing up, cursing, OCC (maybe), Y/N being a lil shit, fake friends, shit talking?, mentions of ED, arguments, stalking (in the sense that!..)

They called me a disappointment. My so-called "friends", teachers, and family. All because I couldn't be #1. I tried, I really did but I just couldn't. Ever since I lost my best friend, MY Jason.

"It's been years Y/N. Why can't you get over it? I got over it when my mom died and-" I cut her off. "How are you making this about you right now, Eveling? Your mom died when you were 5 but I've known Jason since-like forever! I snapped back. She stayed quiet and didn't dare to speak. We got to a bus stop and sat on a bench. In silence.

"I-I didn't mean to talk about your mom like that. I know it must have been hard for you" I comforted her. I didn't mean what I said. The "it must have been hard" part. I only said it because I felt bad. She turned and softly smiled at me.

"It's ok, Y/N. I know you didn't mean it." Excuse me? What did this bitch mean? "I know you didn't mean it" Is that supposed to mean something?!? I brushed it off. The bus arrived. I waved goodbye to Eveling and hopped on the bus. I gave the bus driver exactly $1.25 and sat myself in the back. It took 30 minutes to get home. I didn't mind waking up early to get ready for school but never in a million years would anyone would think a bus would be at full capacity at 6:00 AM!

I got off at my stop and headed home. I unlocked the door. Great. No one home again? On the dining table was a note that stated,

*Back home late. (1 the latest)

*Left leftovers in the fridge.

*Be in bed by 10.

Love, Mom.

okayyy. I walked towards my room. Starting my homework while trying to get rid of the thought of giving up. Not even 27 minutes later, I gave up. I went to the kitchen to heat up the leftovers. My phone started ringing, and Eveling wanted to call. I picked up my phone.

"Hello?" I spoke. In her usual bubbly self, she replied to me in an enthusiastic voice. "Hi! Y/N, I'm at a sleepover right now but it's pretty boring so I decided to call you." The majority of the call time went from her telling me what was going on during the sleepover and me responding with many mhms, cool, and yeahs. I thought the call was going perfectly fine. Our calls were always like this. I listen while she talks. My stomach started to ache. I felt nauseous. I wanted to throw up.

"Eveling, I'm going to the bathroom," I ran to the bathroom because I was sure that leftovers were causing me to feel so sick. After multiple attempts to throw up, I finally got it out of my system. I washed my face and walked out to the kitchen counter.

My phone was on speaker. My phone was always on speaker. She knows this. So, why did she say those things about me? I walked into Eveling telling her friends shit about me.

"Y/N? I think the only reason why she rushed to the bathroom so quickly was because of her eating disorder!" she was giggling. Laughing even. My heart sank to the core of the Earth. Tears were being held back. I slowly walked back to the bathroom. I shouted,

"I'm doneee!" My voice was about to crack but from the speaker, I could hear her friend ask, "Are you sure she didn't hear?" and to that she responded with "We would have heard her fatass stomp around." They all laughed. At this point, I was done. Fuck this- you know what.

"You know what we can all hear? YOUR fatass stomping around for food. Get your fee, fai, foo, fum ass the fuck outa here. Y'know damn well, I'll run your shit. So, don't testtt mee." I retorted at her and hung up. I stormed to my room and slammed the door. I was too mad to cry. I fell to the ground and brought my knees to my chest. The few minutes of desired silence were interrupted. Knock. Knock. Two knocks came from my window. I didn't pay much attention, I thought it was squirrels.

Knock, knock, knock. This time the knocks became more intense and repetitive. I got up, walked up to my window, and opened my curtains. A man with a red helmet, leather jacket, and a suit with a red Batman symbol on it. I flinched and closed the curtains. The man knocked on the window again. He spoke,

"Y/N, don't be so scared." His voice. It sounded like a deeper and huskier version of Jason's.

He's dead. That's not Jason. THAT'S NOT JASON. I tried telling myself this but for some reason no matter how much I tried to restrain, I walked closer and closer to the window. I reopened the curtains.

I took another step and opened the window completely. I allowed this unknown man, who was pretty muscular into my home. He entered my room. The two of us meet eye to eye. He took off his helmet, it released steam, and it had a click to it.

"It's been a while, hasn't it Y/N?" I raised my brows. A man who looked 6'0, with short black fluffy hair and a white streak asked me. He looked like Jason? I thought, but he would never dye his hair with a conry white streak in it.

"I don't know you..." I was lying. I knew who he was but I just needed the confirmation.

"So, you would let a random stranger in your house? What? Is it cause I haven't been there to protect you all these years or is it because you know who I am and you're just playing dumb?" He asked.

It was truly him. He was back and I had so many questions but he's back. My Jason is back and I'll make sure he won't leave me again.

a/n: i was gna post last week but :)...

[gregorygerwitz]

Crochet Commissions!

For those who don't know me, I'm Alex (she/they), and I started the year off with Covid. Because I had to take two weeks off work, I'm really hurting for money right now, so I'm opening up a limited number of slots for crochet commissions to try to fill in that financial gap.

ALL of the materials I use are machine washer/dryer safe

Pictures of my recent work and prices are below. Including: stuffed animals, dice bags, holiday stockings, blankets. As well as: shipping info, custom request info.

For further questions or to request a commission: message me here or email me at crochetbyalex@outlook.com

When I did my poll, most people voted for stuffed animals, and I recently finished a few that I can show my skills with. The blue penguin is my latest finished piece, with the purple penguin the first thing I ever crocheted side-by-side for comparison of how much I've learned in the last ~7 months. The mouse is technically unfinished because the eyes aren't embroidered yet, but I made it in about a day and a half, for timeline purposes.

I also just finished the above dice bag octopus about an hour ago for my roommate, which took about three hours of non-stop work (I turned on a movie and got through the stitches pretty quick). I can make them in any color you want, with either the plastic safety eyes or embroidered eyes. Most of these can be entirely customizable, just let me know what you're thinking and I'll see what I can do!

Dice bags: $10 + $5 domestic (US) shipping Stuffed animals: $15 + $5 domestic (US) shipping optional crinkle filling (washer/dryer safe): + $2 (stuffed animals only)

10 slots total (4 REMAINING)

I don't have any pictures of any of the hats or scarves I've made because it's been a few years, but I made some stockings for the apartment for Christmas last month, and that's one of my most recent projects. The green one was the last one I made, and probably the most accurate to what my capabilities are now.

If you'd like a stocking for Christmas 2024, let me know! I have an unlimited number of slots for them as the holiday is far enough away that the time crunch isn't so rough.

Hats: $20 + $5 domestic (US) shipping Scarves: $30 + $5 domestic (US) shipping Holiday stocking: $24 + $5 domestic (US) shipping

5 total wearable (hats/scarves) slots

The least popular item in my poll was the blankets, which I understand. And I'm only going to open one slot for them at a time because they take so long and so much yarn to make. The wave pattern (both blankets pictured above) is my favorite to do, but I have patterns for most simple designs, or I can likely easily google it and put it together for you. Prices are based on the time and materials these take to make, but because they're so much more expensive than the smaller items above, domestic (US) shipping is free.

Baby blanket (top left): $50 Throw blanket/afghan: $100 Full size (length shown in bottom picture): $200

1 blanket slot (0 REMAINING)

Custom requests:

If there's a pattern you've found on Etsy/Pinterest/etc that you want made, contact me by using the contact information above. We can discuss prices or my ability to accomplish that for you. ***patterns must be CROCHET patterns as I do not knit (yet)*** 5 custom slots total

International shipping:

Let me know when you request a commission where you are located, as shipping prices vary wildly from country to country. I'll go over the actual cost with you before you commit to the commission and make sure the price works for both of us.

Current open slots:

Stuffed animals and dice bags: 1. [FILLED] 2. [FILLED] 3. [FILLED] 4. [FILLED] 5. [FILLED] 6. [FILLED] 7. [OPEN] 8. [OPEN] 9. [OPEN] 10. [OPEN]

Wearables: 1. [OPEN] 2. [OPEN] 3. [OPEN] 4. [OPEN] 5. [OPEN]

Stockings: [NO LIMIT]

Blankets: 1. [FILLED]

Custom requests: 1. [OPEN] 2. [OPEN] 3. [OPEN] 4. [OPEN] 5. [OPEN]

[zoeykallus]

Tech – Thank You For Loving Me 30 - Pleasant And Unpleasant Surprises

Warnings: Cute Stuff/ Uncle Rex/ Uncle Crosshair/ Daddy Tech/ Angst

___________

Rex comes to visit Clone Force 99 and see his niece for the first time since she can consciously perceive him. He is surprised how good Uncle Crosshair is with her and how much he seems to care. Everything seems to have become very familial and quiet around the Bad Batch. But it seems like this could be just the calm before a new storm.

PS: I just can't get over Uncle Cross

___________

What Happened Before:

Nervous Flutter

Part 2 - Help Me To Let Go

Part 3 - Asking For Advice

Part 4 - Devotion

Part 5 - The Explorer

Part 6 - You’re The Best

Part 7 - Experimental (½)

Part 8 - Experimental (2/2) - Not Fully Functional

Part 9 - Not Alone

Part 10 - Cared For

Part 11 - Don’t You Worry

Part 12 - A White Lie

Part 13 - Hope

Part 14 - Games To Play

Part 15 - Work Work Work

Part 16 - Trouble

Part 17 - In Loving Domination (½)

Part 18 - The Game Changer

Part 19 - Wild Animal

Part 20 - Embarrassing Vulnerabilities

Part 21 - Between Hangover And Love

Part 22 - The Future Ahead Of Us

Part 23 - About Making A Baby

Part 24 - It’s Going To Be Okay

Part 25 - Returning A Favor

Part 26 - Baby Fever

Part 27 - A New Life

Part 28 - Daddy Tech

Part 29 – Back Home

Part 30 - Pleasant And Unpleasant Surprises

Rex was walking up the ramp of the Marauder with his helmet tucked under his arm when he saw Tech coming towards him. For a moment, the former clone captain was surprised, because it looked like Tech was limping. But then Rex saw the reason. A little girl with happily bobbing dark curls was clinging to his leg, giggling.

Rex grinned.

"That must be Amy," he said, amused.

Tech grinned and greeted him with a nod. Finally, he looked down at Amy and said, "Hey spider monkey, maybe let go of Daddy's leg for a moment and say hello to Uncle Rex?"

"Rrrrrrrrex," Amy rolled the name off her tongue, she did things like that a lot lately, played with emphasizing and pronouncing words.

Rex raised his eyebrows in amusement. When the little girl turned to him, he knelt down and smiled at her.

"Hi Amy."

She waved at him with a grin, then looked up at her father.

Tech said, "It's okay, Rex is one of my brothers"

"Another uncle," she said, looking at Rex from a distance first, scrutinizing.

"That's right, little mouse," the former clone captain said, amused.

Unabashed, Amy eyed the newcomer and said, "You look like my Uncle Echo."

Slowly the little girl walked up to Rex until she was standing right in front of him, then she eyed him again, this time up close.

"Your hair is all light," she noted.

"It's called blonde, Amy," Tech explained softly.

"Blonde," she repeated thoughtfully.

She slowly reached out to touch Rex's head, very slowly, watching him as she did so, as if expecting him to bite her at any moment. She touched the soft, cropped hair briefly, then withdrew her hand.

"Real soft!" she exclaimed, running back to cling to Tech's leg again.

"Amy, I have to work in the engine room, you can't stay on my leg, honey."

Tech's daughter sighed theatrically and went back to Rex, who had just gotten back up.

"Will you play with me?" she asked, looking up at him expectantly.

Rex scratched the back of his head and laughed softly, "Sure, if your dad doesn't mind."

Tech said, "In fact, I'd be very grateful if you could keep her busy until her mom gets back. The work in the engine room needs to be done by tonight. Y/N should be back in an hour at the latest, I guess"

"Sure, no problem," Rex said, even though he wasn't at all sure what to do with the little girl. He didn't really have much experience with children.

Tech made his way to the engine room, and Amy continued to look up at Rex expectantly.

"What would you like to play?" he asked her with a smile.

Amy said eagerly, "We could play what Uncle Cross always plays with me."

Rex raised his eyebrows in surprise, "Crosshair plays with you?"

The girl nodded eagerly, grabbed his hand and pulled him down the ramp outside, several feet away from the Marauder.

"Where are you taking me?"

"To the playground."

"There's a playground here?"

Amy beamed at him, "Yes. Uncle Cross made it"

Rex said dryly, "I guess your Uncle Crosshair is good for many a surprise after all"

The Captain just couldn't picture the Sniper handling a child, but Amy was obviously quite fond of her Uncle Cross.

In fact, there was a playground. There were a few trees a bit off to the side, a makeshift swing hung from one of them, a small climbing frame was set up next to it, and a slide. All very carefully homemade from scrap parts. Rex was amazed and took a closer look. No sharp edges, no rust. Everything had been neatly and very conscientiously worked on. He nodded, Crosshair had really made an effort, he had to admit that.

At Amy's request, Rex carefully placed her on the swing and gently pushed her.

"So, what do your other uncles do?" asked Rex curiously.

Amy eagerly began to tell, "Uncle Wrekah sometimes plays with Mimi and Lula with me, our stuffed animals and I can ride on his shoulders, and then I'm the biggest person in the galaxy! Uncle Echo taught me how to draw and read the star chart. Uncle Huntah sometimes goes with me to watch animals and pick berries and flowers, for Mommy."

Rex laughed softly, the idea of Clone Force 99 taking care of a toddler was cute and funny. Especially Crosshair, was a surprise to Rex.

"You sure talk a lot for your age, don't you? That's pretty amazing"

"I'm almost three!" exclaimed Amy, indignantly.

"That's very young," Rex remarked, "But you definitely are your father's daughter."

Amy seemed to be thinking, not sure if Rex had just said something good or bad there. She looked at him over her small shoulder and said, "Daddy is the best! He knows everything and can fix anything!"

Rex nodded and said in agreement, "That's right, your father is a very capable man"

"Mommy is great too" she said thoughtfully "She makes really great food, knows great stories, and she makes Daddy very happy"

Rex laughed softly again and said, "Yes, I'm sure she does, she's a great woman"

"Hey spider monkey"

Amy's gaze shot forward in the direction of the voice. Crosshair had emerged from between the trees. She said hastily, "Stop the swing! Stop the swing!"

Rex did as he was told, and before he could reach for her, Amy jumped down and ran toward her uncle. She jumped on one of the Sniper's long legs and began to climb up. Crosshair watched her with amusement as she climbed, holding onto his armor. He remained alert and ready to grab her should she slip, but she made it up to his chest. Only now, he wrapped an arm around her small body to hold her in place.

"You're getting better at this," he said with a smirk.

Amy beamed proudly at him.

"Uncle Rex is visiting. I showed him my playground"

"Well, well, well," Crosshair said, nodding at the clone captain, "Rex."

"Crosshair," the latter returned the greeting, "I heard you two get along pretty nicely"

Crosshair looked him dead in the eye and said snarling, "Well, that's pretty easy, I'll just give her what none of us ever had"

Rex asked, "What would that be?"

"Someone who cares"

Before Rex could say something about that, a noise distracted them all.

The two men and Amy looked up as an alien ship approached the Marauder and landed more or less nearby.

"Are you expecting visitors?" asked Rex.

Crosshair, who had been frowning critically, shook his head and said, "No, not that I know of. I don't know that ship. I should go back and see if everything is all right. You stay in cover with Amy, just in case."

But when Crosshair tried to hand Amy off to Rex, she clung to the sniper with all her strength.

"No, I want to go with you!"

"Amy, this could be dangerous, it's better if you stay here with Rex," Crosshair said surprisingly patiently.

"Then you'll have to watch out for me! I don't even know Rex! I want to stay with you!"

Rex didn't blame the little girl, she was right, she didn't know him at all.

"I'll go see," the clone captain offered, "You stay here with Amy. I'll come get you when I know the coast is clear."

Crosshair sighs but nods.

"Be careful," he growls.

Rex runs off and Crosshair looks at Amy, her little face all worried and her little fingers clamped around the edges of the shoulder plates of his armor.

"It's okay, I'll stay with you and keep an eye on you. We'll go up that wooded hill back there, we can see the Marauders from there and have a good place to hide in case of emergency."

Amy nodded, her little heart beating fast and nervously in her chest, sensing that something was in the air.

As they started moving, she asked, "What about daddy? Is mommy back yet? Who's going to watch them when we're not there?"

Crosshair explained, "Hunter and Wrecker are back with the Marauder, they're both watching out and your Uncle Rex is a good... protector too."

"Okay," Amy said uncertainly, resting her head on his shoulder.

Ko-Fi (If you feel like giving me some coffee)

@ben-is-a-hoe

@kaminocasey

@nunanuggets

@hypnoash

@brynhildrmimi

@livi-s

@ttzamara

@thebadbatchscyare

@rexandechosandwich

@mybigfatspoonielife

@clone-whore-99 @chxpsi

@the-sith-in-the-sky-with-diamond

@andyoufollowyourheart

@kaliel2310

@misogirl828

@tech-deck

@loverofclones

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@stardusthuntress

@ladykatakuri

@ttzamara

@arctrooper69

@agenteliix

@puppetswithteeth

@greaser-wolf

[pebblysand]

loved the most recent chapter!! do you have a directors commentary on ginny during the World Cup of 2002? like her mindset, how you decided take her career in the direction of her transferring out of the harpies and a bit of reflection on your creative process of Ginnys quidditch journey, and how its going to continue, especially in regard to the news at the end of the latest chapter

much love xx

thank you!

so i think firstly, i'm very much enjoying writing about ginny's career (even if castles isn't from her perspective). i think obviously, castles has this "subplot" of harry and ginny and their career trajectories because i think as someone who graduated uni 6 years ago, i now have a lot of thoughts about what entering professional "life" is like, the sort of joys and disappointments you can get from a job, etc. which i think for a lot of people my age constituted a lot of disillusion, tbh, because a lot of millennials came in with these big ideas of "changing the world" and dreams of "being useful" when they entered the workplace and got hit pretty hard by "reality." i think one of the criticisms that's often made against the epilogue is that whilst hp characters were meant as "representatives" of this generation (which is very interesting because the story was published while millennials were kids, but the characters themselves are actually gen x), the place they end up in (married with kids young, amazing career, cute house, etc.) is considered to be so out of the scope of what millennials typically have been able to get at that age, that the epilogue read as "betrayal" to a lot of people. i think what i'm trying to do with castles is maybe just to right the scales a little, and show that: hey, they struggled too.

additionally, what is interesting with millennials is that more and more millennial high-achievers are quitting their corporate jobs (due to the above) to do something completely different. live on a farm, become an artist, ect. these are people who had a lot of earning potential but who, coming to 30, are sort of asking themselves what is it all for? so they choose to sacrifice earning potential for happiness and fulfilment.

lastly, when it comes to ginny, i think what is very important to consider is that, to this day, having a family and a flourishing career is near-impossible for a lot of women. and, ginny would have become a mother at the heart of the 00s where the pressure on mothers to have it all was even more important than it is now, with this idea that they must be mothers and wives and career women all at once (which then led to the #girlboss fantasy, etc.). when, in reality, this injunction drove so many women towards mental breakdowns and exhaustion. as harry is clearly not gonna be a stay-at-home dad (though, would love that for him), it's interesting for me to look at that aspect and try to portray it in a realistic way. especially given that feminism is such an important theme in castles.

with that in mind, when it comes to ginny, building her career trajectory is first of all looking at JKR tells us (given that i'm canon compliant), which is not a lot. jkr tells us that 1) ginny plays for the harpies and 2) ginny later becomes a sports reporter. so this gives me a number of thoughts:

1) ginny plays for the harpies

jkr says she plays for the harpies but as a team, according to quidditch through the ages, the harpies are actually not that great. they're good enough, but they've never won the league, for instance. which is an odd choice for ginny, who does seem to be someone who is quite ambitious, esp when it comes to quidditch. that this was her one and only dream team sounds odd

jkr also says that she plays for the harpies but she doesn't say for how long

jkr doesn't say if ginny has career progression within the harpies. does she make captain? coach?

quidditch is a dangerous sport and ginny has three pregnancies at a very young age. how does quidditch deal with the pregnancy of its players? would the kids be the reason she moves on to reporting? if so, that leaves very little professional playing time (given that she is 22 when she gets pregnant with james)

given that quidditch sort of works like football in-universe, would the industry be similar? who owns clubs? how do they get funded? footballers rarely ever stay in one team for more than a couple years - do you get "bought" and moved around like footballers do?

and, if not the kids, what makes her leave?

2) ginny later becomes a quidditch reporter

jkr tells us ginny works for the prophet. that's quite a statement given their past treatment of harry. how does that work?

the prophet is obviously written, meaning that ginny writes. meaning that she hasn't been put off writing by her past with tom. she actually probably enjoys it, or else she'd have done radio.

this also means that she has a good relationship with the press/enjoys that aspect of the job.

wizards live to be very old, meaning that it's very unlikely you'd just do one thing your entire life. like, firstly, athletes generally have multiple careers because they're not fit forever, but also i reckon ginny would get bored out of her mind doing one thing forever. even being a sports reporter - she'd need to be challenged, have new projects. esp. because while she would be busy with the kids probably when they are small (mid-20s to mid-30s), but she'd have more time on her hands later on.

so having stated the above, when i'm outlining ginny's career and planning ahead, it's like: okay, where do i go from here? how do i work in the themes i've evoked in the first few paragraphs, while using what i know from jkr.

i think the sad reality is that you can't both be an amazing quidditch player, have a busy husband and be a mother to three children. ginny will have to realise, at some point, that she's not superwoman. so, because she has her kids so young, i don't think she plays professionally to the end of her physical abilities (which generally for athletes is in their early 40s). i think that would be a lovely, wishful take to have if you were a bit delusional about the state of the world, but that's not a castles!take, lol. so, i think: yeah, she does quit for the kids. not right away after james (i think she does try to do it all for a while) but maybe after albus/lily.

but i also think that when i look at my millennial friends who have quit or are quitting law to raise families (of which there are too many because the legal industry is awful, but that's a different issue), it's generally actually not a binary choice. for most of them, it's not a: i'm quitting to raise my kids and be a housewife, anymore. it's actually a combination of the disillusion and the kids, and oftentimes choosing another career that is more compatible with family life, rather than no career at all. for them, it's like: yes, i could kill myself at work and at home if i really cared about my work, but capitalism is a hellscape anyway, the way the industry has treated me is not satisfactory and i'd rather try and do something else that is more fulfilling, even if it means less money.

so, applying that to ginny, it's like: i don't think she just quits because of the kids. i think she quits because she tries to do it all and is exhausted but also becomes a bit disillusioned with quidditch, like a lot of millenials did with their job. and, i don't see ginny ever disliking the sport itself, cause clearly that's something she loves, but i could see her getting a bit tired of the industry she is in. if you look at footballers, they're almost considered to be "things" that clubs trade amongst themselves, rather than people. there is often a lot of jealousy between players, that then ends up broadcast everywhere in the media. the environment seems pretty toxic, to be honest, and i could see how that would get on her nerves (esp. since she's very opinionated).

lastly, i'm actually setting her up to be a writer full-stop, as well as a sports reporter. i'm saying this quite bluntly here because tbh, if you read between the lines in castles, at this stage, it's already been heavily implied. like, i don't think ginny "just" writes press coverage of games, again i don't think that would keep her challenged enough. but i do see her writing non-fiction books about quidditch as well, and maybe player biographies, and ultimately probably fiction stories using that experience. because i think she's a writer at heart and that it's something that she would find more fulfilling, and more compatible with the kids. especially because the publishing/journalism industry, to her, would be so easy. she's already famous, people like her, she's not gonna struggle to get published or make ends meet. it would be something that she truly cares about and feels fulfilled by but that is more compatible with the kids. especially because as mentioned above, as they grow up and get to hogwarts, she will have more time to work on her hands, and i think her writing will grow.

so with castles at the moment, it's both about showing the reality of joining the workforce right now (and the feeling of doubt and inadequacy and uncertainty that can result from that) but also laying down the foundations of what their careers will look like later. this is also true for harry. this whole chapter that you've just read wasn't just me writing angst cause i missed it (although.... that too 😅) it was also setting up the foundations for: him taking on a leadership role (see 9/11 itself) and him getting out of the field (him being "scared" of death), etc.

for ginny, me setting her up as a "writer" was the first step, going as back as chapter 8. like, i already knew where i wanted her career to go, and so when it came to telling her story, the fact that it was through letters wasn't just a writing trick, it was also a way to set her up as someone who likes writing, for later. similarly, setting her up as this person who's good with the press and sort of understands how the game is played is also laying the foundations for her being a journalist later.

lastly, me setting her up to quit the harpies allows me to 1) give her a bit more professional satisfaction with a team that's actually good and will allow her to win the league, 2) show that sometimes you get your dream job and it's actually not your dream job once you discover the reality of it (to my point about disillusioned millennials earlier) and you end up being much better somewhere else and that's okay - it's not failing, and lastly 3) show the realities of that industry, and what might really irritate her to the point that she quits in the future. like, the magpies are great now, but what if they get bought out by someone else? what if her work environment is randomly changed by forces she can't fight on her own. again, what ginny wants is control in her life and her writing is something she can control much better than her quidditch skills, which get monetised by people who invest in players like they're basically cattle.

but i do think quidditch is something she loves, and which also teaches her her worth and to advocate well for herself, which is an amazing skill to have if you're going to be a journalist. like, she was lowballed once by the club, she learnt, and negotiated much better. that's a fantastic skill to carry over.

so, idk, i guess those are my thoughts and the sort of trajectory i'm thinking of when it comes to ginny's career. hope this makes sense!

[just-a-carrot]

How early does everyone wake up and do any of them cuddle during sleep? Please I must know if Bucks crushes Hunar <3 I assume they sleep in the same bed despite having some problems it’d be quite sad to ask this only for my own heart to crushed lol

omg this question is very sweet lakdjfaldskf

mmmm

iggy: usually gets up around 8 or 9. sometimes likes to cuddle. he has times where he just doesn't like to be touched and needs to be alone/not stimulated. but at other times he does enjoy cuddling. i would say he's more of a couch cuddler though than a bed cuddler, but especially if he's feeling very insecure or anxious he really appreciates just being held or sitting in someone's lap and having his back or head rubbed

genzou: really enjoys sleeping in but needs to be at his shop relatively early, so usually gets up by 8 at the latest; sleeps in until noon or so on weekends. LOVES to cuddle. he will cuddle mercilessly. he likes being the big spoon

orlam: has to wake up for work on weekdays so usually wakes up at 6 or 7 to take the bus. his weekend schedule is really messed up tho and he often sleeps most of the day. is so-so on cuddling. he likes it when he instigates it but not really if someone else does (he likes to be in control of all situations lkdjfads). also depends on his mood a bit

gidget: has a pretty strict internal schedule where they get up around 8:30 every day. they also tend to go to bed around the same time most nights (11 or so). does enjoy cuddling, though perhaps moreso than cuddling, just likes to have like a hand or an arm or a leg touching their partner while sleeping

bucks: used to have really horrible working hours because of her delivery job but now has more steady 9-4:30 hours, so usually gets up around 7:30 or so most days. tho sometimes it seems like she barely needs any sleep. quite enjoys cuddling and can be quite aggressive about it, too. she definitely crushes hunar laksdjflakds

[dianoetikon]

I MOVED RATIO BACK TO MY MULTIMUSE OVER AT @inominati!

#DIANOETIKON (gr. διανοητικόν). Private and selective DR. VERITAS RATIO of Hoyo's Honkai: Star Rail. High enthusiasm, slow writing speed. Established in April 2024 and written by Min (30+, she/her). Not spoiler free. Duplicate friendly.

"Πάντες ἄνθρωποι τοῦ εἰδέναι ὀρέγονται φύσει. Ignorance is a malady that must be cured. Should your mind exhibit symptoms of dullness, feel free to give the doctor a call."

GALLERY | MEMES | HEADCANONS

BLOG ROLL: vidyadawn (Dan Heng) | inconcordia (Sunday) | delusionaid (Genshin Impact multimuse)

Required reading below the cut.

I. ABOUT ME. My name is Min, I'm over 30 years of age and I've been rping in various fandoms for over 15 years. I work during the week so replies are slow, but I'm online throughout the dayand available through DMs or discord (for mutuals only). I am not caught up with the latest update but I don't mind spoilers.

II. REQUIREMENTS. If you are interested in roleplaying with me, you must be at least 18 years of age, ideally over 21, even more idealier over 25. I make no exceptions for minors, regardless of thread content. I will gravitate towards H:SR canon muses, but I am open to OCs if the character appeals to me and crossovers if I can see a way to merge our worlds together.

III. WRITING. I prefer plotted threads and longer replies (on average I'll write 3-6 paragraphs), but I don't expect you to match length. What matters to me is the content of our posts and our ability to progress in the story we want to tell. I don't really do short convos anymore (unless it's dash crack) and I don't write unplotted starters because they often lead nowhere. If you have ideas for our muses, just message me and if you don't have ideas yet but would like to write, let's plot together :)

IV. MEMES. Best way to get something started with me is through memes. Any memes in my meme tag are available without time limit for all mutuals, so no need to ask first, just send in whatever tickles your fancy! Heads up: it might take me forever and three days to respond, but I will get there eventually. Feel free to reblog any meme posts directly from my blog, I don't mind that at all. Bonus: there's a high chance you'll get a meme reply from me 84 years after sending it, when you no longer remember it.

V. SHIPPING. I am very selective with shipping on this muse but I am not closed off to the idea in theory. I don't insta-ship and once I do have a ship (or maybe more than one) I'll probably cap. If I write multiple ships, they are automatically in separate verses unless discussed otherwise. Don't be afraid to ask if you're interested in shipping, the worst case scenario could be that it doesn't work out.

VI. SOCIAL POLITICS.I am against callout and cancel culture and do not engage in it. Callouts will not be reblogged - I curate my dashboard my own way and I have no interest in being dragged into other people's fights. I don't respect publicly hating on fictional ships, characters or portrayals. I will never harass anyone or shame them for the fictional things they choose to write, I simply avoid, blacklist or block what I don't want to see. I believe the RPC would be a better place if people tried to be more tolerant, respectful and kind to one another.

Rules are subject to change. Thank you for reading this far! :)

[ledenews]

Trinity Health System Fit for Life Program Prepares for Fall 2024 Session

Spots are Still Available for Remote Applicants Trinity Hospital Twin City in Dennison, Ohio, is currently accepting virtual applicants for the fall 2024 session of its incredibly successful Fit for Life program. The in-person class, which is completely filled, will begin on Tuesday, Sept. 17, 2024, at the Dover Library, located at 525 N. Walnut St. in Dover, Ohio, and will meet every Tuesday evening for 12 weeks from 5:30 p.m. to approximately 6:30 p.m. “We allow 50 in-person participants, and we have met that cap,” Kelly Bowe, Program Coordinator, said, adding, “After our local newspaper, The Bargain Hunter, covered our program, demand to join Fit for Life went through the roof. I was getting 10 to 15 calls per day! “However, we’re still accepting virtual students, and I must emphasize, there is no limit on the number of virtual students who can enroll. If you’re not sure about joining an in-person class–and from experience, I know there are many people out there who are uncomfortable in that setting–this virtual class is perfect for you.” Bowe stressed that virtual students have all of the advantages that in-person students have. “They’re able to watch the Tuesday night class ‘virtually’ on the private Facebook page set up just for this class,” she said. “They can ask me questions during the class and I relay the questions to and he answers them live.” To register for the fall class, please go to www.trinitytwincity.org and tap on the Fit for Life picture on the front page. Then, tap on “Tickets” to register. What is Fit for Life? Fit for Life is a 12-week, individualized program, conducted twice a year, that emphasizes realistic lifestyle changes resulting in enhanced levels of health and fitness. The goal of the Trinity Health System Twin City Medical Center Fit for Life program is to provide an innovative, multi-agency means to reduce the number of overweight and obese men and women of all ages in Tuscarawas County and the surrounding counties of Carroll, Guernsey, and Harrison. Participants meet once weekly for about 60 minutes, either in-person or virtually, and use customized fitness and diet plans developed by the Trinity Hospital Twin City Fit for Life team. The fall class, which began back in September, is the largest one yet, with 73 participants, 50 of whom are in-person and 23 of whom are virtual. Participants have joined the class virtually from Austin, Texas; Chicago, Ill.; Atlanta, Ga.; Utah; North Carolina; and West Virginia. The Fit for Life program was featured by the Rural Health Information Hub because of the many lives it has transformed. How is Fit for Life different? Fit for Life is physician-led, Dr. McKnight said, which distinguishes it from other wellness and weight-loss programs. “As a practicing primary-care provider and hospitalist, my day-to-day interactions with health and disease bring relevant and timely, crucial information about the latest disease states and healing opportunities,” he explained. “People love the fact that this program is physician-led and physician-inspired.” Fit for Life is comprehensive, while still allowing the individual to make personal decisions regarding their own lifestyle changes. “They do this by the inspiration that comes to them after the information has been presented and key questions are posed,” Dr. McKnight said. “Based on current strategies in evidence-based medicine, it empowers people with information, so that they do not feel victim of a healthcare system that they often perceive wants to push prescription medication and rarely addresses the root cause of disease.” Topics cover the most common primary-care conditions seen in the office, which allows Dr. McKnight to assist patients in understanding why they have the condition and how the body will try to heal it. The key to this approach is learning to live in harmony with nature’s lessons of healing. “This program reflects my passion for nutrition, exercise, and treating the entire person,” Dr. McKnight said. “This means treating their physical body, as well as their spiritual, mental, and emotional make-up. I really believe it addresses the entire person. I try my best to be a role model for class members. In my sixties, I am doing things physically that I never thought were possible. However, by applying the principles of this program, they are universal and they work.” How are classes conducted? A private Facebook page is set up specifically for the current class. Three to four lessons are posted to that page; each of these lessons is approximately 25 to 30 minutes long. The class members read the “Chapter of the Week” and watch the lessons as their schedule allows. Their total weekly time commitment with watching the videos, reading their chapter, and attending the weekly meeting is approximately 3 to 3.5 hours per week. “This makes it so nice for young parents and class members who work full time,” Bowe said. “They can watch during the time of day where they’re able to quiet down, relax, and concentrate on the lessons.” The Fit for Life Facebook page also offers support, encouragement, recipes, exercises, and demonstration videos from Dr. McKnight, Bowe, and other members of the class. By using this Facebook page regularly, the class members are able to get to know each other better. The participants then meet every Tuesday evening at 5:30 for approximately one hour. “Dr. McKnight and I meet with the in-person participants at the Dover Library in Dover, Ohio,” Bowe said. “I weigh everyone weekly and counsel them through their journey.” Dr. McKnight facilitates a weekly PowerPoint presentation to quickly review the chapter and take any questions the class members may have. Dr. McKnight also invites guest speakers to talk with the class. “Dr. McKnight shares so much more additional information to help them with their journey,” Bowe said. “He shares all of the new information he learns through his research and medical conferences, and he offers each class the most up-to-date information as he learns it.” The virtual participants also tune into the Facebook page at 5:30 p.m. on Tuesdays and are able to see everything the in-person class sees. “They can ask questions and interact as well. I call them each week to record their weight, counsel them, and answer any questions they have,” Bowe said, adding, “I feel that our fall session is the very best version of Fit for Life to date.” Testimonials number in the hundreds At the end of each 12-week session, Dr. McKnight said they allow participants to share their stories. “There have been so many moving stories over the years. They normally leave Kelly and me in tears and fill us with gratitude and determination to continue to reach out and touch as many people as are willing to listen.” Of the nearly 4,000 Fit for Life graduates over the last 16 years, Dr. McKnight said all of them have given the program their highest recommendation to friends and family. “We have seen people lose over 100 pounds of weight, reverse chronic pain, stop taking medications, start running 15 miles a week, and most importantly, have an excitement for new opportunities in life they did not anticipate,” he said. “We have seen people heal as they have forgiven others and most often forgiven themselves. We have seen lives saved, marriages healed, and hope restored.” Bowe said her favorite success story belongs to Bob, whose name has been changed to protect his privacy. When Bob came to the first class, she said, he used a walker and could hardly breathe. He had to stop to rest several times before he could even make it into the classroom. “He shared with me that his health was bad since he injured himself years before,” Bowe recalled. “He had become sedentary so his weight increased considerably. He shared that he had diabetes issues and congestive heart failure. He had tried numerous diet plans and nothing worked.” Because of his health issues, Bob was unable to work and was mostly housebound. It was difficult for him to even go to the doctor, and friends had to drive him to the class. “Each week I would weigh Bob and talk with him,” Bowe said. “His whole demeanor started to change. He followed Dr. McKnight’s program and did all of the assignments Dr. McKnight asked the class to do.” By the end of the 12 weeks, Bob had lost over 40 pounds and was smiling all the time. He wasn’t using his walker, and he made it into class without stopping to rest. “Dr. McKnight and I kept in touch with Bob, and after one year, he was down 125 pounds and was working,” Bowe said. “His lifestyle change improved his diabetes, and the weight loss helped the congestive heart failure symptoms. Bob amazes me every time I see him. He praises Dr. McKnight and the Fit for Life program and says that Dr. McKnight ‘saved his life.’” “There are hundreds of people who have had these experiences,” Dr. McKnight added. “All of them are my heroes. They have each touched my heart and deepened my resolve to change as many lives as I possibly can.” For more information and additional testimonials about Fit for Life, please visit their website by clicking here. Registration to virtually join the Fall Fit for Life Class 2024 is ongoing. Go to www.trinitytwincity.org and click on “For Your Health” followed by “Fit for Life” and “Register Here” to sign up. The next Fit for Life class will start, both in-person and virtually, on Tuesday, Sept. 17, 2024, at the Dover Library in Dover, Ohio, at 5:30 pm. Registration for the winter session will begin in early December, with classes starting mid-January. If your media organization would like to interview Dr. McKnight, please let Laurie know (contact information in the header of this press release) and we’ll work out the logistics. For more information, check out this extensive profile The Bargain Hunter recently did of Fit for Life. Read the full article

[lizzie-c-bryant]

Writer's Prompt Friday ✏️

🍰🎂🧁 Who knew a bakery could be so full of drama? 🕵️‍♀️ Join me in unraveling the mystery of the missing buttercream in my latest short story, "The great baking heist"

The soft morning light filtered through the bakery windows, highlighting the shelves soon to be filled with delicious pastries. Oliver Baker, a kind-hearted man in his late thirties, unlocked the front door to his bakery, his assistant Milo coming in behind him.

"Morning, Ethan," Oliver greeted, his voice slightly sleepy. "We have the Petersons wedding cake to finish today.” He said. “Can you do the morning rush bakes? And I'll get cracking on that?”

Milo grinned and nodded. “You got it Boss.” The morning rush bakes consisted of fresh pastries, and we're very popular among The many offices that were 4 streets away. Most were prepped the night before, ready to be baked when they arrived at 5.30 in the morning.

Oliver entered the kitchen, heading over to the sink to begin his usual routine when he noticed something very unusual.

“Uh…. Mate? did you leave the fridge open when you locked up last night?” Oliver asked as he spotted the door wide open, the light not even on after the continuous door being open.

“No, I closed it. I triple check after I left it open my first shift and the custard went weird.” Milo said, heading over. He scanned the shelves. “Might need to throw some of this away. It feels a little warm.” He said checking the temperature.

“See if we can salvage the buttercream for the wedding cake at least we’re already behind…..” his eyes widened.

“Where's the buttercream?”

“I don't…. I saw it right here last night. I saw you put it in there.” Milo shook his head.

“I'll look for it, you focus on the pastries, we open in an hour.” Oliver instructed. It was hopeless anyway, if the buttercream had not been in the fridge, no way would it be ready for a cake today. It would be way to runny. It was more annoyance than anything. Where had it gone?

30 minutes later, he had turned the entire kitchen upside down, and had yet to find the bowl of buttercream, he had checked the cupboards, the mixer…everywhere.

“Boss, I know it's annoying, but you're going to have to cut your losses, we're opening soon, and you know how mad the morning rush is….”

“I found it! Well…. The bowl.” Oliver exclaimed from behind the bin, lifting up the bowl now empty of buttercream. “Why is it all the way back here? and where is it?” He asked, glancing at the back door beside the bin. “You don't think anyone could have gotten in last night?”

“And take buttercream?” Milo sounded sceptical. “Why would they do that?”

“I don't…. Wait, this is labeled the peterson wedding.” He said, pointing to the label. “Oh that…. That bitch!” He headed out to the front of the bakery, looking through the window at the shiny new la patisserie that had opened 6 months ago. “Miss Landley said that she had gone there first for a cake tasting, and she picked us. She must be annoyed about us getting a high end client.” The Petersons were very wealthy, and the wedding had over a 400 guests. Oliver had cried when his bakery was chosen, and had not so subtly bragged about it when he had seen the woman who owned la patisserie.

“Are you serious? You think Madame Dubois snuck into the bakery in the middle of the night? And stole your buttercream and left the bowl behind the bins?”

“Why not? She's evil. Plus, the word Sabotage is French.” Oliver muttered, glaring at the offending bakery.

“And I'm pretty sure she's from Birmingham mate. She slips up with the accent sometimes.” Milo pointed out. Oliver paid him no mind, glowering with his arms crossed.

“I know she did it. I know it.” He muttered. “I will prove it.”

“Look, if it was her…”

“Oh it was.” Oliver interjected.

“Fine. Then her plan has worked, you are distracted, and now even further behind because you've just spent the first 45 minutes of the day preoccupied instead of doing what you need to do. So put the sign over, get in the kitchen and make some more.” Milo encouraged. Oliver sighed.

“I guess you're right, a bigger payback would be to smash this cake out of the park. That will show her.” He agreed, turning the closed sign to open, and rushing back to the kitchen. The wedding cake was no where near finished, and the date off collection was looming.

“Oh that looks good.” Milo noted 6 hours later. Oliver had to take a couple of shortcuts to make up time, however the cake was almost complete, there was a few more sugar flowers and decorations to adorn the cake, but it was frosted and ready to go.

“It does. I can't wait to shove this right in Madam Dubios face.” Oliver smirked. “Oh, and the bride. She's going to love it.” He added.

“You know how much she loves instagram too, you are going to be famous.” Milo grinned. “I think this deserves a celebration. Pub?”

“Oh. No.” Oliver shook his head. “I'm staying right here. I'm not giving madam Dubois another chance of subterfuge. I'm sitting right here and not moving until this cake is safely out of this bakery.

Milo looked at him sceptically. “Uh…. Sure. If you say so.” He said. “If you need anything just give me a call.”

Oliver nodded, not taking his eyes off the cake. The sun soon set, leaving him in the darkness, his eyes began to droop….

Before he jolted awake. He wondered what had awoken him, a loud clatter coming from the cake. He rushed forward, a rolling pin in hand to apprehend The culprit.

Oh.

It wasn't madam dubois at all.

There, happily eating the sugar flowers, was a large, ginger cat. Oliver blinked, eyes darting to the window propped open behind the sink.

He coughed loudly to startle the creature. The cat looked up, seeing the man.

Then continued to eat.

[john-carle123]

Top 10 JavaScript Libraries You Must Know in 2024

Hey there, fellow code enthusiasts! 👋 Can you believe we're already halfway through 2024? The JavaScript ecosystem is evolving faster than ever, and keeping up with the latest libraries can feel like trying to catch a greased pig at a county fair. But fear not! I've done the heavy lifting for you and compiled a list of the top 10 JavaScript libraries you absolutely must know this year.

Whether you're a seasoned dev or just dipping your toes into the vast ocean of JavaScript, these libraries will supercharge your productivity and make your code shine brighter than a supernova. So grab your favorite caffeinated beverage, settle into your ergonomic chair, and let's dive in!

1. ReactJS 19.0: The Reigning Champion

Oh, React.Js, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways! 😍 This library needs no introduction, but the latest version is like React on steroids. With improved concurrent rendering and a slick new API, React 19.0 is faster than ever. If you're not using React yet, what rock have you been living under?

Pro tip: Check out the new "Suspense for Data Fetching" feature. It'll change the way you handle asynchronous operations forever!

2. Vue.js 4: The Dark Horse

Vue.js has always been the approachable, easy-to-learn alternative to React. But with version 4, it's no longer playing second fiddle. The composition API is now the default, making your code more organized than Marie Kondo's sock drawer. Plus, the new "reactivity transform" feature is pure magic – it's like your components gained sentience!

3. Svelte 5: The Lightweight Contender

Svelte is the new kid on the block that's been turning heads. Version 5 introduces "runes," a game-changing approach to reactivity. It's so efficient, your bundle sizes will be smaller than my chances of ever completing a Rubik's cube. If you haven't tried Svelte yet, you're missing out on the closest thing to coding nirvana.

4. Three.js r160: Because 3D is the New 2D

Want to add some pizzazz to your web projects? Three.js is your ticket to the third dimension. The latest release includes improved WebGPU support, making your 3D graphics smoother than a freshly waxed Ferrari. Whether you're creating immersive data visualizations or just want to flex your creative muscles, Three.js has got your back.

5. D3.js v8: Data Visualization on Steroids

Speaking of data viz, D3.js is still the undisputed king of the hill. Version 8 brings improved TypeScript support and a more modular architecture. It's like the Swiss Army knife of data visualization – there's nothing it can't do. Fair warning: once you start using D3, you'll find excuses to visualize everything. Your coffee consumption over time? There's a chart for that!

6. Axios 2.0: Because Fetch is So Last Year

RESTful APIs are the backbone of modern web development, and Axios makes working with them a breeze. Version 2.0 introduces automatic request retrying and better browser support. It's like having a personal assistant for all your HTTP requests. Trust me, once you go Axios, you never go back.

7. Lodash 5.0: The Utility Belt You Didn't Know You Needed

Lodash is like that quiet kid in class who always has the right answer. It's a collection of utility functions that make working with arrays, objects, and strings a walk in the park. Version 5.0 is fully modular, letting you cherry-pick only the functions you need. Your bundle size will thank you!

8. Jest 30: Testing Made Fun (Yes, Really!)

I know, I know. Testing isn't exactly the most exciting part of development. But Jest 30 might just change your mind. With improved parallel execution and a new snapshot format, your tests will run faster than Usain Bolt on a coffee binge. Plus, the error messages are so helpful, it's like having a personal coding tutor.

9. Next.js 14: React on Autopilot

If you're using React (and let's face it, who isn't?), Next.js is like strapping a jetpack to your development process. Version 14 introduces "Turbopack," a Rust-based bundler that's faster than a cheetah on roller skates. It's so good at optimizing your app, you'll wonder if it's powered by actual magic.

10. Socket.IO 5: Real-time Has Never Been This Easy

Last but not least, we have Socket.IO. If you're building anything that requires real-time communication (chat apps, live updates, multiplayer games), Socket.IO is your new best friend. Version 5 brings improved performance and better TypeScript support. It's like telepathy for your web apps!

Wrapping Up

There you have it, folks! These 10 JavaScript libraries are your ticket to coding nirvana in 2024. Whether you're building the next big social media platform or just trying to make your portfolio site stand out, these tools will have your back.

Remember, the key to mastering these libraries isn't just knowing how to use them – it's knowing when to use them. Don't be that developer who uses a sledgehammer to crack a nut (we've all been there, no judgment).

So, what are you waiting for? Fire up that code editor, brew a fresh pot of coffee, and start exploring these amazing libraries. Your future self will thank you!

Happy coding, and may your bugs be few and your commits be many! 🚀👨‍💻👩‍💻

Would you like me to explain or elaborate on any part of this blog post?

[treadmilltreats]

Tips for the male online daters

Sometimes I wish I had someone in my life, but to find someone, you first must kiss a lot of frogs...

so to speak. And believe me, I have! In today's world, the way to date is online dating, a truly scary thing to do.

I know that I am not going to find Mr. Perfect for me knocking at my door, so that means that I will keep trying online dating.

But I have some tips for all of the guys out there that are also new to this dating scene, very important tips from a women's point of view. Now, please don't come at me with what women should do, I think this could be universal tips for all. I don't see women's profiles, so I can only speak about the men's profiles that I see.

1. Put up a picture.

In my experience, guys without pictures in this day and age are either married or catfish.

2. Put up more than one picture and a full body picture.

Yes, you can look really good in one picture, the right angle, the right light, but in others, you look like a completely different person. You need a body shot. Sorry, everyone has a type. I like in shape guys, you don't have to be Mr. Universe, but you have to be able to see your toes. I am active, and I want an active guy.

3. I don't need to see pictures of what you looked like 30 years ago.

Yes, you were a football star in high school. You're not anymore. We all looked better then, so let it go.

4. I don't want to see all the pictures of your animals.

Look, if you happen to have a great picture of yourself holding your dog, fine, but ten pictures of your dog, not so much, I am not dating your dog.

5. I am not interested in what you have.

There is no need to put up pictures of your motorcycle, boat, big house, or fancy car, not impressed, been there done that. Money definitely does not make a man. (And then you have the nerve to call us gold diggers!)

6. Don't lie about what you like and don't like.

We eventually will meet and talk, and you can't keep up lies, and why would you want to? Be you.

7. Catfishing...what is with that?

Why pretend to be someone you're not, for what reason? Get a life and stop messing with others.

8. Don't say you want a relationship.

When all through your profile, you're talking about clubbing and sex. Just be real if you're just looking to hook up. Just say it!

9. Be specific in what you want.

Do you want kids, what's your deal breakers, smoking, etc.. skinny, chunky, tall, or short, so we know what you're looking for and not waste time.

10. Say something about yourself.

Talk about your likes, hobbies, what you're looking for. Men with a blank profile to me are like blank men, boring. I know it's not easy talking about yourself, so ask a friend to help you. While you're at it, ask them to take pictures of you too!

Maybe my male readers will give me some tips on how we women can make our profiles better because I am always open to change.

So today, my friends, it's a new world out there. We must adapt to changing times, and to do so, we must be open to change.

So be the change you want to see.

@TreadmillTreats

Check out my daily blogs @ https://treadmilltreats.blogspot.com/?m=1

Www.treadmilltreats.com

**Now released my latest book**

The Blessing in Disguise.... revealed

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***Now available***

My 1st book The blessing in Disguise

Selling on my website:

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[libidomechanica]

Untitled (“The words out around plumes and ocean with you be; blown”)

A cinquain sequence

               1

The words out around plumes and ocean with you be; blown short, for her for the chamber of hair.

               2

Just as if there she fleeting, we will together. Do I dare to know how longings where thee.

               3

Now called into the latest tieth! Someone else, for the palms. The many a rivers to thee.

               4

Ere happier St. And nights are amaz’d, and mid basketball. When that could not speak silence.

               5

Must pine, nor shall wear white balloons. Heard it, afternoon, a faint moon, were most sane and miles.

               6

Must picture fix’d on Camelot. Near the novels, after love is the sphere I see a place.

               7

If I could not going! Morn in the castle wave may so fair? But, taking the landlord’s black!

               8

From their wayward round, all song of a dream. Riding— o, sweet food, and, when the called Rescue Inc.

               9

My morning fires delights! Could my coat; how she concealment: she like purple bunch of a plum.

               10

Round him from the teeming sun, the brain? Than all the dancing pretzels drinking: as midnight’s tear.

               11

Is hands of thine ten into roses: by the house, of all her palm tree, these strain. I grow sad.

               12

And her, and she glides her face. In California and oarlocks for that vanish’d, or brighter.

               13

And if thou must know one than the heau’nly bosom move? And she love holds an urn to be wooed.

               14

May, in your particle and I was a tomb. I spent with musket beside removed like men!

               15

A plum. On the sky, the winds do come—so sure: leave your face new. We have squeezed thee shadow pay?

               16

The refrigerator. Comes into tower’d Camelot. Dead self, nor awake day smith man.

               17

Billows of my Soul. Outside silk and none know how long since I have not ask me nothing mine.

               18

For the winds blown back when a person, would invent with flagons, comforter! Which, with his death.

               19

I could return, I am come away! One must have deep east, oercharg’d, to murderous, blood!

               20

—If one, settled in posterity? Next, when I should rather like a weapon, like delights!

               21

Him away. For me with thee, and as nothing, with myrrh and for heretics in love’s refrain.

               22

The lake; speak in scorn of us, They were two young girls, like old inn-door. That when finish, dear.

               23

He took on the orange seizure came. Toot, told that dyes a marble, set upon the singeth.

               24

The Long Island dwelt but he lay in his immortality. Poor rest; there’s naught windshield.

               25

Give me, too sweetness, to the life of joints of thunderstand. I’m weariness wild- flower trees.

               26

So indefeasible to know. Me dear compared then by me. Rejoice in front to grow old?

               27

A few, and eye. In human closely furl’d, the dim purpureal tresses gave thy temple door.

               28

Muffling his king ears, the rivers on his counterpart,. And people and wonder her room.

               29

But who, safe in Death—he turmoil of healing. Your eyes that shoot him in table, my master.

               30

To take his bed.—Then with you to mind prints him even but paint the many mountains, skipping.

               31

Which has gone at dusk? Thirsty milk! Then fire, when the red her; but these fools admire. Smiles, nor fret.

               32

Fallen in his resting, with his law: and full of her een her got the centric happiness?

               33

I would pour my soul love you. Where will pay you wilt not such good minute. Of passionato.

               34

Body of Shame might have beetles,—blind do ye thing, in his banners. When thou makes some one else.

               35

Only remember me when fire, with rich gifts. Roots will to row them were Dem my eyes, possess’d.

               36

The landlord’s black pavement sill six storing in the Crownéd Heart—now twists of the look’d up her Veil.

               37

Hee vowes nothing, you say so, and modesty fixes there. It’s a silent gulf between.

               38

Compounds we our pardon, I am a watercolor. My love, unable than thousand.

               39

In better her, hebes are lang! Partly because of the Boston, writing, and live: Alas!

               40

If I be death. Below the gay, dewy gem, frighter be, with sparkled on a screen of myrrh.

               41

Through to steel; others? Excuse what love the copses, out all her glory sat she laugh for love.

               42

She dieth! That old December’s bare the brought his Thetis’s breaks for peacefully down; therefore there!

               43

And let go. A little: where Cupid is whip on the daisy-star that practice down she past.

               44

Some beareth. Out in the Theban wall and lie, till I defiled: for our styles, chipped up-stair.

               45

Descends that brave, until life. But in thy mouth. A longdrawn thy pitfold seer in a forest.

               46

To languid fool, who even pedestal with her death. And thine; for beasts, birds, O beloved.

               47

A pillow or thread a great enough for a kitchen the king hath the gynaeceum, fail so.

               48

No time remote Shalott. And only nor left pulses beating clear as justly that is part.

               49

Than if he knew that will make a Lady of Shalott. Embrace me with my eyes following!

               50

Where, branch breaketh, trust that found the dress. The tears it ran warm, tremulous, devout, psalterian.

               51

For the village green field that I have you. Descend the more forms of Gods, upon cloudy seas.

               52

A thing the first there I linger, well knows too, and ye, ah, may ye feel the brake. Doe you say.

               53

If she says than even now thus graceful: men for still lies and clay, you that love her Dearie! Dare?

               54

And by the music that drifting waves combing road! And answer and Hermes, by my pet-name!

               55

When I was she look’d down from her window. Her her left to her lips ill hung a silent night.

               56

And, beloved is mind. And from the town, slow-stepp’d, and estrange low sobs that were a pitty.

               57

They did not love the fail to all over; to equal your head that other. The pilferer.

               58

Of bold inn-door. For we holding to ever to enjoy thee—on the stream that rubs its life.

               59

I’m guess we’d take the silent gulf as talk of it, to make the soul’s eyes. By frail of his eyes?

               60

Its heap’d on her sapphires, green, and her till to heaven there? Would find one words; for the rest.

               61

Then how sweet; from them, Since you and I strove no measure! And so indefeasible to know.

[christiewryte]

oc asks that reveal more than you think (responses!)

1 Morn: Mother told her she was too old for stuffed animals when she was 8.

1 Fahda: Handed hers down years ago, but misses them sometimes.

2 Morn: Oh, plants are easy. She can handle plants, no problem. Plants are routine. She can do routine. Pets... she's never had a pet. She thinks she could handle one fine. They're mostly a routine, too, right? Children... well, as long as they're old enough to be obedient, she should be fine?

2 Fahda: Oh goddess, no, do not hand her a plant. She will forget entirely about it by day 5, latest. Kids and critters she's fine with, they can both remind her when they need something.

3 Morn: "Oh, well, Fahda's... um... well... Where to start... She's... well, gorgeous, obviously, you have eyes. And cool, and creative, in... a violent sort of way... but... What really gets me is... she's so warm. She's like a warm blanket that throws itself on me when I come out of the rain. And bundles me up, and makes me feel safe, and warm, and... wanted... and... known."

(i.e., "She can fix me.")

3 Fahda: "Morn... She reminds me of the ocean. Vast, and deep, and dark. She's mysterious, and full of terrifying things I could only see in my nightmares. But I keep feeling this force pulling me deeper, and deeper, until there, under all this horrifying pitch and bone there's this wet, shivering little puppy, and I just want to gut anything that would lay a finger on her."

(i.e., "I can fix her.")

4 Morn: No one knows, and no one ever will, because she has never, and will never, wear red.

4 Fadha: Hell yeah, she's straight fire in red. Especially whenever she's got her hair dyed that good fiery orange she likes.

5 Morn: Oh, clots, she wasn't prepared for this. Um, uh, does she have to? Like, in an official capacity? Okay... (crudcrudcrud...)

5 Fahda: Short and sweet, Cheers to whoever earned it!

6 Morn: The only person she found harder to refuse than her ex was her mother. Not that either of them were giving "advice," so much as ultimatums.

6 Fahda: Her sister and godmother have her ear for anything. The old drillmaster never offers input on anything unless it's worthwhile. Her bestie's about 50/50, her squire's a brat. Anyone from the upper crust is totally tuned out.

7 Morn: "As the future queen, I must be absolute, incorruptible, and penitent. I'm... working the 'absolute' part."

7 Fahda: "I'm a sexy, badass outlaw-warrior-princess, and yes, that was only three, I hyphenated."

8 Morn: Intrigued until she hits a wall for too long, then crumbles to frustration easily.

8 Fadha: Has no patience for puzzles... unless you frame it as a competitive game.

9 Morn: Sapient >>> Sentient > Living > Inorganic, but BOY is it honestly starting too high for sapients. Like, to an actually problematically self-sacrificing extent.

9 Fahda: Develops deep sentimental attachment to things, but still sees a separation between sentient and nonsentient.

10 Morn: Either 5, or, like 30. Everything was simpler when she was 5, and surely she'll have her life figured out by the time she's 30, right?

10 Fahda: Eh, maybe 23-ish? Get a few more years training and experience under her belt, and she'll be even more unstoppable than she already is, but honestly she's never felt any pressing desire to be any age than she's been in the present. Not since she was 8, anyway.

11 Morn: Save. The village is very efficiently self-sufficient, but it'll be good to have something to fall back on in an emergency. The Red Ears always need additional funding for their work, too.

11 Fahda: SPLURGE!! ...about 10%, then invest the rest into the clan. We need equipment upgrades, building materials for housing improvements, so much for medical care for both our people and our horses...

12 Morn: There are books with romance in them???

12 Fahda: Every story's better with a little sauce.

13 Morn: Her mother taught her obedience, shame, and magic.

13 Fahda: Her mother taught her about equality, and now to read and write in three languages. Her father taught her to be kind, and lots of card games and variant rules. Her godmother taught her to strike with intent, and a finger-training exercise to use for stimming.

14 Morn: All pleasure is guilty.

14 Fahda: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

15 Morn: Bodily functions and malfunctions, like using the bathroom, menstruation, and getting sick. All massive time sinks people only put up with because they have no choice.

15 Fahda: Anything to do with the upper crust that isn't robbing them.

16 Morn: Money isn't what's stopping her from dressing differently.

16 Fahda: Dresses and armor. Almost all of her armor is cuir bouilli if not soft leather, and while that mostly works for her, she would kill for some steel gear to supplement. A chain shirt would be a good start, but oh boy, what she would do to get her hands on a lame breastplate.

As for dresses, she's never had a real fancy dress since she was a little girl, the kind that only comes out for real special occasions, or when you've just gotta leave that special someone breathless. Maybe one of those ones with the shimmery fabric that seems to dance when you move, or the risque ones with the daring cutouts or sheer sections.

Oh! And replace her entire wardrobe with silk and cotton. Nice, lovely, smooth silks and soft cottons that don't make her feel like she's breaking out in hives every time she gets dressed.

17 Morn: Kids make her feel responsible, and she has enough of that on her plate already, thank you. She's trying not to think too hard about the day she inevitably needs to produce an heir.

17 Fahda: She loves playing with kids and is happy to look after them in the short term, but wears out of patience if their actual caregivers aren't prompt about taking them off her hands when they're supposed to. She looks forward to parenthood in the unspecified future, but isn't about to put a time frame on when.

18 Morn: Tongue, but build up to it.

18 Fahda: Not opposed, but needs warning.

19 Morn: Flashcards and studyplan review until dawn, ride the stress high through the event, then crash hard as soon as pencils are down.

19 Fahda: That's what all the training you did up until now was for. It's called the "calm before the storm" because you should be relaxing and letting all your tension drain away so you go into the fight fresh and clear.

20 Morn: Pigeons.

20 Fahda: Not exactly something that no one else likes, but she appreciates light, soft, and smooth textured clothing far more than anyone else she knows. Fahda is extremely sensitive to certain textures, and a lot of common clothing materials are unbearably uncomfortable on her skin, wool being one of the biggest offenders.

21 Morn: Her ex literally dumped her, cursed her, disappeared for 3 years, betrayed their people, practiced dark magic, arrested her, drugged her, scheduled her for execution, stabbed her, planned to release an eldritch abomination for revenge, and Morn was still holding onto hope until the bitch tried to kill her for like the third time.

21 Fahda: Has dumped people for chewing with their mouth open.

22 Morn: Has some trauma around pet names from her ex. Fahda has special permission for therapeutic purposes. Doesn't usually do petnames herself, but fell into using a common one from Fahda's mother tongue as one of the first terms she successfully committed to memory once she started trying to learn.

22 Fahda: Nicknames anyone she doesn't get an actual name for within moments of encountering. Sometimes they stick. Calls Morn "Storm cloud," after her pretty gray eyes and stormy disposition. Loves whenever Morn calls her by hers.

23-25 Morn: Stability, charity, safety.

23-25 Fahda: Novelty, honesty, possibility.

26 Morn: Talent is a ceiling that no effort can pass, however heartfelt.

26 Fahda: You've gotta have both if you're gonna make it, but effort's definitely more admirable.

27 Morn: Forgiveness. I have no right to hold anyone to higher account than myself.

27 Fahda: Vengeance. Some crimes are unforgivable.

28 Morn: *blushes and hides face* "Sh-shut up!"

28 Fahda: *smirks and leans into her* "I didn't say anything~."

29 Morn: Has literally been cursed with the same recurring nightmare every night for the last three years from her ex, reinterpreting their breakup as a betrayal on Morn's part with generous eldritch abstraction.

29 Fahda: Doesn't remember her dreams, but has a vague sense she often dreams about the night her mother and father died.

30 Morn: "I'd be happy if it could just pay off the burden of my foremothers. To be granted a clean slate... sigh."

30 Fahda: "Like, legally, or emotionally? Because if legally, I'd gut the Goat and decorate his palace ramparts with his entrails like festival garlands. Emotionally... I guess I'd chew my sister out for all the things that piss me off about how she runs the clan."

[1358456]

Favorite Games

I was talking with a friend of mine and this thought occurred. What are my top 10 favorite games? So these games are those I wouldn't mind introducing to others. Now, these are games, and not franchises. So multiple games of the same franchise can make it on here.

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10) Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory

I absolutely love this game. But... it's from 2005, and the series has been dead for like 10 years. The last game was Blacklist that came out for the Xbox 360. Not even Xbox One. Such a shame. In order for me to play this game again, I have to run it on my old 360 that barely works, or buy it again on the Xbox marketplace. That's probably still worth it given how good this is and how cheap it is now. Super serious story of course, but there are still comic relief here and there, usually in interrogations.

Guard: "I knew it! I knew there were ninjas here!" Fisher: "What?" Guard: "You must be a ninja! How else could you sneak up and grab me like that?" Fisher: "Look, I don't know what you're-" Guard: "Wow! I can't believe it! A real, live ninja!" Fisher: "Listen, I'm going to kill you if you-" Guard: "Wow! Killed by a ninja! Cool!"

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9) <Redacted> 10

... At this point, it's going to be the Redacted series. ... Sure. The 10th entry of my second favorite franchise. This came out in... 2005 as well. Wow.

As much as I like the game, it's not easy for anyone new to pick up, because... story and the characters, I guess. Unless you already know the story, it's not going to be clear what's happening, why, and what comes next. And as a single player game, the AI is pretty important, and... it's very frustrating in a wide variety of ways. They spam an action that mildly annoys you, but they do it like 30 times a minute. And the AI doesn't do sh*t in combat, whether it's working for you or against you.

Unfortunately, this can no longer run on latest Windows. So I have my laptop permanently on "Test Mode" just so I can run the thing. Which means when I eventually get a desktop PC, this game will not be copied onto there.

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8) Hitman: World of Assassination

This game provides a lot of entertainment in very... unique ways. Sometimes, pulling off the perfect assassination is very cool and sneaky. Sabotage a heart surgery (...), make two targets kill each other, sabotage an explosive device that the target is testing out so he blows himself up, etc. Sometimes, the assassination is rather... goofy. Swap a golf ball with an explosive golf ball and watch the target blow himself up in an accident (???). Put a car battery in the washroom and overflow the sink so the target gets electrocuted in an unfortunate accident that no one could've seen coming (????). Punch the target right in the face so they fall over while strolling on extremely shallow waters so they accidentally drown. And on and on.

And of course, the classic Hitman "disguises" that... just... heh. Nothing is quite as amusing as running around in a bank, dressed as Santa Claus, carrying a big ass magnum pistol and blasting people into oblivion. Santa wants his paycheque cashed in now, damn it. Hehehe.

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7) Yakuza Kiwami

The first Yakuza game to make it in here, out of 13 that I've played since 2020. Damn.

The game's great. Combat is amazing, plot is great but not as great as in 0. And Majima Everywhere does get annoying in NG+. But the start of Yakuza Kiwami is like the only time Kiryu is perfectly happy, so... ohhh... And... Haruka...

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6) <Redacted> 11

Much of the same for 10. AI is very annoying, spams same dumb moves over and over because if it did literally nothing the first 15 times, surely the 16th time would...

But 11, which is from... 2006, is the game I've played the most out of every other game, including Starcraft II and Yakuza 0, and even Pokemon Gold version, whose game time maxed out.

I would very much love to start modding this, except I don't know how. Hehe... This game also only runs on my laptop thanks to the Test Mode, so... that sucks.

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5) Lost Judgment: Unjudged Memories

This game's so good. Judgment too. The only downside is how long the games are. And since Judgment series only mention the mainline Yakuza games stuff in passing reference, the mainline Yakuza games are not required!

These are like the first notable cases for me where the bad guys are definitely in the bad but I understand why they're doing it. Like... in Judgment, the bad guys are covering up and continuing with lethal human experimentations to get the cure for dementia to work on humans. The serial killer himself says that at this point, they need to get this drug to work, else nothing could possibly save them. And in Lost Judgment, your ally says that there is no clear right answer here. Though that's because they don't have a correct starting point of morality, but hey. It's a crappy situation where no outcome can be a happy one.

... Though Lost Judgment does have a DLC story, and for the first time ever, that has a happy ending.

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4) Starcraft: Brood War

Ah... the game that I would love to play a lot of... if I wasn't so scared. Hehehe. Not only do you have to fight the game, you also have to fight the other guy who's in the game playing against you. And anyone who's still playing on the ladder probably has been playing the game for like 15 years at this point. If I play on the ladder, I'll just end up getting annihilated nonstop. Someone much better than I am at RTS described it as "getting cyber bullied by Koreans on the ladder".

You need like 300 APM just to manage your economy and macro properly. And with the other guy who's in the game, you now have to scout and see what they're up to and actually know what to do next. So for now, I'll just be satisfied with watching ASL, Ultimate Battles, and Major Pro Team Leagues.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3) Yakuza 8

... Ow, my heart. The game is so fun. And long. Very long. And unlike 7 where the past games were not strictly required, in 8, all the past games are required for full comprehension. Since half of the main cast is from Yakuza 7, 7 is absolutely required. And since the other half of the game focuses on Kiryu, 0 ~ 7G are all required. So I guess this game can't really be recommended to anyone. It's a super long game that requires the player to have played all the other games in the series so far.

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2) Yakuza 0: Place of Oath

This game was so fun. I kind of wish I could go back to before I played this for the first time, just so I can enjoy it all over again. And since this game is (chronologically) the start of the series, I can actually recommend it to others and drag them into this rabbit hole too.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1) Starcraft II

... I guess this isn't surprising at all.

The campaigns are fun to play (the story might suck but the gameplay is awesome), and with a huge influx of mods nowadays, it gets even better. Real Scale, where you either get smashed by the Protoss fleet or use the Protoss fleet to smash the enemies, Mass Recall, where you play Starcraft I campaign on the SCII engine, Randomizer, which can comically screw you over at times, Reversed Campaigns where you play the campaign missions but from the enemy's side, etc. The SCII editor is so big that you can do almost anything in it, including making a whole new game using the engine, like Heroes of the Storm.

There's also co-op, which is just a ton of fun. I don't know why people get salty on co-op missions, but some do. And of course, the multiplayer. Ladder is actually very fun. Of course there are the standard multiplayer issues, such as salty players whining about balance and spamming insults, but that doesn't say anything about the game itself, and only how sh*tty people are.

That said, I don't think I can easily recommend this game. SCII may be a lot more beginner friendly, but it's too fast for beginners.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Whew. So, there were 2 Starcraft games, 4 Yakuza games, 2 games from my second favorite franchise, and 2 miscellaneous.

Why didn't any Pokemon games make it in? Because of course they didn't. I don't like any aspect of those games. Look at what I've been doing lately in Generation I and II. Either glitch heavy runs or challenge runs only. And I highly doubt that Yellow version was made intentionally to allow players to create various Pikachu-shaped abominations before settling them loose in the wild. The only fun I had in playing Pokemon games were when I broke the game with glitches, and RNG manipulations, neither of which are intended.

Why didn't any Halo games make it in? Because I'm not that much of a fan of FPS multiplayer games. And Halo Wars are console RTS, so they suck horribly in comparison with either Starcraft games. Which is sad, since Starcraft 1 was from 1998, and its crappy ass N64 version had more available commands for units than Halo Wars 2.

Why didn't the other Yakuza games make it in? For 2, I didn't feel anything for the personal story and the yakuza story was only decent. For 3, the combat kind of sucks, and it's now the oldest game with 1 and 2 being remade as Kiwami and Kiwami 2. Though after 7 Gaiden and 8, there's a lot of desire to go back to 3 and hang out with the kids in Morning Glory. ... Kiwami 3 when? For 4, the plot kind of... meh. 5 was far too long and the yakuza story did not make a lick of sense, seeing as how the final boss doesn't even know why he's the final boss. 6 has gameplay issues and the yakuza story kind of sucks. 7 is fine and just narrowly didn't make it in. 7 Gaiden is way too short and doesn't have NG+. Ishin is a rather strange spinoff. And Judgment can get a bit frustrating with the combat and the Keihin Gang.

And my second favorite franchise... heh. I'll keep it redacted for as long as no one recognizes it. "Heh. It's all right. Everyone has secrets." ... Even though I don't particularly have a reason to keep it secret.

[nathank77]

3/19/24

5:41 a.m

So last week I ended up taking a higher dose of xanax multiple days. 2 days in a row. Then the day after a half. And then like 2 days after a half...

I also started mixing Benadryl and hydroxyzine in to the days I took the half because I had taken the 1 mg so many days..

I might have fucked myself. Let me go into depth.

To start I've noticed on Xanax I can usually fall asleep in 2 hours and stay asleep for 5 hours. If I get up to pee I'm fucked... I end up tossing and turning and being unable to fall back to sleep. If I don't pee I can usually pass right back out..

Sometimes I pee and I've been taking hydroxyzine and Benadryl right after I go so I can fall back to sleep and get my 7 hours. It has worked...

I'm worried those other days I took the half and mixed hydroxyzine and Benadryl in when i took the xanaz not hours later bc i had taken a 1 mg so many days that week. I mixed in the hydroxyzine and Benadryl bc of the interaction of sedation...

So out of these two weeks, I have fall asleep on a half mg of xanax twice... without adding Benadryl and hydroxyzine in a couple hours later to knock myself out...they were spread out like the 9th and the 14th or something like that.

Two nights ago I took the pill at 5:41 a.m and I ended up not falling asleep and taking a Benadryl 25MG and hydroxyzine 25MG at 8:22 a.m. I ended up closing my eyes ay 8:41 a.m and falling asleep prob by 9 am. I woke up at 3 p.m. I got about 6 hours of sleep. It wasn't enough but luckily the hallucination wasn't any worse..

Last night 3/18 I took the half at 5:05 a.m. I had one of the worst nights ever. I took benadryl 25MG and hydroxyzine 25MG at 7:42 a.m....

Then I still hadn't slept and I took another 25MG of both hydroxyzine and Benadryl at 8:55 a.m. I closed my eyes at 9:12 a.m and failure. I opened them at 9:48 a.m and I tried again. I either fell asleep for like 30 minutes maximum from 9:48-10:33 cause it is a little fuzzy but I def didn't sleep the entire time.. I must have fallen asleep by 11 a.m I didn't dose anything else past 9:48 8:55 a.m. I figured I'd just accept I couldn't sleep. I slept from 11 a.m to 3:30 p.m. I got only like hours of sleep maybe 4 hours and 45 minutes. Or 30 who knows...I went to the dentist obv.. and yea the hallucination wasn't terribly bad or anything but- I'm exhausted... and I'm aggravated. It's not terrible but it felt worse today than yesterday or a day with full sleep. I mean but I can attribute that to less concentration and focus as well as just irritatiablity...with lack of sleep and not being able to switch from Xanax to something better for sleep such as estrazolam... but yea it wasn't like the voice got creative or intelligent but it seems more intrusive and more stressful to deal with.

The days I slept without hydroxyzine and Benadryl on a half MG were, 3/16 but I did take Benadryl and hydroxyzine at 1:03 p.m when I woke up and peeded. But nonetheless a half MG did knock me out without any other drug. And then 3/9 which I didn't use hydroxyzine or Benadryl at all.

I'm worried I fucked myself but idk. We will find out. I was stressed about my dentist appt. Idk what happened Sunday.. cause I wasn't stressed. I'm hoping since the 16th occurred that will happen for me tomorrow night..

My eye doctor appt is at 3 p.m. There is no way in the world, I'm getting up for that appt with I mean even 6 hours of sleep cause I got to get up 2 or 2:30 the latest...so I'm taking the full MG tonight and I should sleep like a baby. If not I suppose I'll add Benadryl at some point and then hydroxyzine at another point... I don't think it'll come to that.

So tonight I should knock out on 1 mg.. tomorrow I'm hoping the half will be effective without anything else. I mean I have bloodwork on the 20th I'll skip it if I fall asleep late. It's not stressful I can reschedule. Tbh I'll reschedule the eye exam too if I absolutely have to. I'll see what happens. Let's cross our fingers that the half will be effective tomorrow when I'm less stressed cause I've had back to back responsibilities but yea I'll cancel worse case and sleep in.

Moving on I am seeing my doctor on the 28th about my insomnia. I'll be face to face with her and I'm going to tell her my black hairy tongue has not healed and show her as it's a direct side effect of xanax. And then I'm going to ask for estrazolam 2mg or doral 15 mg. She was only going to give me 7.5 mg of temazepam and on the benzodiazepine equivalency chart 20-30 mg is equivalent to 0.5-1.mg of xanax which is why I didn't do it.... although I did this all over the phone so maybe seeing me a month later face to face and seeing my tongue hasn't healed and it's not yeast or viral... Maybe she will hear me out. I need something equivalent to the 1mg xanax I am on.

I'm going to ask her for doral 15mg or estrazolam 2 mg and show her the chart and say the only reason I'm sleeping is fucking xanax and it saved my life but I'd rather my tongue stay this way and sleep then risk full blown insomnia.

I picked estrazolam 2mg bc they come in 1 and 2 and 2 is equal to 1 mg of xanax per this chart... it's a better insomnia benzo cause it's made for insomnia unlike xanax... and if she won't do that cause she wants to do the lowest dose possible then I'll ask for doral another insomnia benzodiazepine that comes on 15 mg tablets... it's equivalent to 1MG of xanax. I'll show her the chart, and I'm hoping face to face Interaction, and facts will help my case. I won't hold my breath. I expect I'll end up going to the psychiatrist... but Prohealth is fucking reliable af. That's the issue. Psychiatrists are not. Maybe I'll just have black hairy tongue for the rest of my life to make sure I sleep. I don't think I'm going to depend on a psychiatrist and end up getting fucked in the end....

Prohealth is truly reliable and once I get another benzodiazepine from someone else they will stop prescribing it. I may not be able to get her to reperscribe it....

So yea I'm stressed about that. Hopefully BHT and face to face will change things when I show her this chart.

At some point I may start smoking weed again, I mean I didn't need to take 400 different drugs to sleep. I slept solidly throughout the night and my fucking tongue needs to heal. I hope the 28th goes well. Weed is a big decision I'm really going to think about it and see how the 28th goes.

Also what makes matter worse is my sleep environment.. I can't sleep in silence bc otherwise I hear the voice. It's maddening. I don't want to listen to being scared bc I want cartoon mental pictures. Happy ones. Not realistic ones...

So I listen to bobs burgers or American dad. Something with a lot of dialogue bc it tunes the voice out. Unfortunately there is all this singing and loud noise. Bare in mind I turn it down as much as I can where I can hear the dialogue clearly but i do need hearing aids.

Bobs has to be at like 18 or 19 volume. American dad for some reason can be at 14 volume. Nonetheless it isn't a good slept environment. Loud noisy singing and clattering versus hearing happy birthday 50000 times. And not to mention trying to think positive thoughts and think over aka align with the voice so that's what I hear. I gave up on that months ago.

Either way I guess I'll figure it out. I just took my 1 mg Xanax. And I fucking hate Kristen fucking dew. I've don't nothing this week with her but later this week I will. I got to get my general health taken care of first.

Weed may need to happen cause I feel like a pilll head popping everything I can just to hit sleep stage one.

Beyond that- my thyroid is clearly close to normal. No doubt. Graves can cause insomnia. I haven't seen a single fucking improvement in that regard unfortunately.

Hopefully it's still higher than it should be and once it normalized it fixes it... idk... I have options but it's getting down I might as well smoke a little weed everyday and go back to sleeping like a baby at the risk of making psychosis worst. I'll still have xanax....

Idk. I don't feel entirely hopeless but I am truly worried about the half MG losing effectiveness. Nonetheless I will sleep everyday and soon it will be 7 hours again. And I'll cancel things if i have to, to get my 7 hours. There is no reason to stress out.

I just wrote a book but it helped. Cause this is one of the reasons I can't sleep in silence. Even if this POS hallucination shut up finally, I don't have a ton of positive thoughts but if it did stop Id start listening to being scared again.

Lastly I hate having to see Mike again. I saw him today and he cut me off so much as I tried to explain my Xanax/sleep schedule thing that it took me about 55 minutes to get it out when I would have been able to say it all in 25 minutes if he just shut up about movies and BS and let me talk... I had so many othet things I needed to talk about hence the book I just wrote.

I got to find another therapist who can read a fucking room stfu and listen and wait until I stop talking. I want your input but fucking let me finish what I'm fucking saying so I can get it fucking out

I'm ending this rant with the equivalence chart cause it's factually I need a higher dose of another benzo. I carefully picked estrazolam and especially doral cause it comes only in 15 mg capsules...... please prohealth fucking help me.