#because i've really been learning to love myself and open myself up to different expressions of my gender identity

[jensensitive]

I am obsessed with the way in which you draw Dean. You have his features nailed to perfection - somehow your Dean looks even more Dean than Dean in the show, because you exaggerate everything that makes him HIM. It's truly breathtaking <3 Any advice on how to get those features so flawless?

This is so so nice, thank you so much 😭💕💕💕

Honestly Dean is like my go-to thing to draw basically, and has been for many years, like I have to try to refrain myself from just drawing Dean again sometimes. He's like probably half of how I've learned to draw at all. So there's definitely practice there.

That said, I did not immediately have much of answer to this. It's like, his face is just his perfect, beautiful face, and then I try to draw that. 😅

So I drew some Dean to figure out what it is I do, so thanks for the excuse to draw more Dean lol

Extensive answer under the cut

If you're drawing something realistic from reference, for Dean you kind of have two options, you can either get a screencap that's closer up so you can see details better, but the top of his head is cut off, or you can get one where you can see less details but his whole torso is in frame. It can be weirdly difficult to guess at where the top of his head is sometimes, and you don't need details to capture a likeness, I think it was Sargent that said that the shape of the head is actually the most important aspect in capturing a likeness, so it's something to keep in mind. On the other hand, if you want to look at his pretty eyelashes while you draw him, you might want something closer up. (An understandable impulse).

Another thing is just to look for a reference that you really like, contrasty light and shadow are also great to look for. It's difficult to create a great drawing without them, but also it will illustrate the structure of his head best too. Look for shadow shapes you want to draw. If a reference is too dark (as it often is, because it's supernatural), edit it so you can actually see what you're drawing lmao.

I took a bunch of random screencaps of 11x02-- as random as I could, normally I'd just take screencaps of what I already kind of like, but I tried to just get all of it so you can see what I'm not choosing. (also couldn't help taking some cas ones when the lighting was going really hard)

I love a profile, I love a 3/4 view, I love when his eyes are like half open. His face was kinda giving towards the end of this episode.

Hopefully you can see them well enough. The mass ideas are more important for picking at impactful reference, but ofc I'm also trying to avoid any where he's making a dumb face or it's blurry. Sometimes that's only evident when I open it bigger, but that's okay, we have a bunch to pick from.

a. This one is one I picked out because it's an interesting angle, and I'd definitely do a little study of it, but because the lighting is so soft, it probably wouldn't be super interesting.

b. I like this one, the face he's making is hilarious, and I like the rhythm of his hand, but if I were to draw it, I might draw a fourth finger, otherwise it might look strange. So keep that in mind too, if it looks odd in the reference, it will look odd in the drawing, so unless you're confident that you can effectively change it, pick a different reference or find a second reference to help you change it.

c. This lighting's more dynamic, and I like his expression.

d. Would be hard to pick between these. This one's 3/4 and has a nice eyelash shadow, and I love the shape of his eye when it's downturned.

e. Shoutout to the shape of Jensen's brow when he looks down gotta be one of my favorite genders. + subtle Rembrandt lighting. Lovely.

f. This one is so good. Overhead lighting getting a shadow from his ear in a sideview, defining the jaw in an interesting way. Great expression. It's a bit strange, the way he's looking to the side, so it might be hard to draw convincingly, but would be worth it if I could do it. The shadow from the hair defining the shape of the brow. The light on the cheek defining the slight eyebag. The reflected light under the eye, the light landing on the nose. Would probably change the hair a bit because it looks a bit odd at this angle in this lighting, and if drawn like this it would probably look at bit block-like.

g. More rembrandt lighting. Shoutout to the shadow that this upper lip casts on his lower lip. Shoutout to the shadow his lower lip casts on his chin. Shoutout to the line of light defining his neck. Shoutout to the shape of his brow and forehead.

h. The rhythms here are chefs kiss-- the shadow line diagonal from the corner of his hairline to the corner of his brow echoed by the shadow line diagonal of his cheekbone, then that second line following through to the line of light on his neck that curves the other way.

i. This one's kinda boring wrt lighting, but it's an interesting enough angle to do a study of.

I'm going with screencap c because it's gonna work well to effectively illustrate the basic structure of how I construct his features. It's not directly straight-on, so the form isn't lost, but it's straight enough on to properly show our proportions.

For supplies here, I'm just using a soft charcoal pencil, I just use the kinda cheap ones (currently Markart) cause I actually like them better than General's. And it's on smooth newsprint. I just get it in a big thing of 500 sheets. Not archival but it's a cheap thing that's incredibly enjoyable to draw on. Pink Papermate eraser and a kneaded eraser. The pen I use at one point for some reason is a red Pentel RSVP ballpoint I think, although I actually prefer a Bic.

1. So first thing I block in that main shape, in this case, his head and shoulders. I also have to draw in the hairline at the same time, cause I can't figure it out otherwise. He's got kind of pointy ears. The collar of his jacket often comes up pretty high on the back of his neck. He's got a distinctive hairline that I think can go a long way to showing it's Dean, it's worth taking note of. It swoops to our left, and then the corner (I guess?) of his hairline will line up with the corner/arch of his brow. And don't draw the hairline as an unbroken line, but several lines with some room to breathe. His shoulders are pretty straight and broad, but about three heads across which is pretty normal.

2. Next what I think about is the shape of the eyesockets and the line of the brow. This bit will go a ways for conveying Dean's expression, because he has a wide range from light and happy to horribly scowly that's in the brows. You don't have to define the exact line of the brow at this moment, blocking in the general line is fine just to have an idea of where it lands. You can go back later and refine it. I also find where the bottom lid lands. In my brain it makes a shape like what I've drawn. I might not draw it just like this, but even if I don't, this is the shape I'm thinking about. The line from the end of his eyebrow to his bottom lid is a fave, sometimes you can see it on him, especially at an angle, and it's real pretty.

3. Next I find where the bottom of his nose lands, it's about double the length of the eyesocket. And the line under his bottom lip, about halfway between his nose and the bottom of his chin. These measurements are pretty average measurements for a face. I didn't give myself enough room for his chin initially, so I moved it down to fix it. Also adjusted his face very slightly wider on the right side, cause it's looking a bit narrow.

4. I added some of our shadow shapes. This is where finding a reference with well-defined shadows will be very helpful. And I sketched in the clothes cause why not. The clothes don't have to be perfect, who cares, Dean's collar is not our point of interest lol. The shadow on the neck will probably be slightly curved because of the roundness of the neck. If it's not, you might want to make it curve slightly anyway just to help define the form. I blocked in where the eyes are.

eyes: For Jensen's lovely eyes, they have a specific shape that is so nice to draw, especially at certain and angles and with certain expressions. But basically the top lid is more angular and can be almost boxed off at the end, and the line from the corner of the eye to the lashes is an s-curve that's higher in the middle. Again, not unusual features in drawing a face, but such pretty examples. The shadow that his lower lid casts (or his makeup idk?) is often dark enough to look vaguely like eyeliner. Jensen's lower eyelids, an underrated part of Jensen. His eyebrows are thicker in the middle and sparser on the ends.

5. Next I found the corners of the lips. This is an important aspect in the way I draw mouths. Sometimes I just draw them with dots where the corners of the lips are, a curve where the lips part in the middle, a shadow under the bottom lip, and the curve of the cupid's bow. (This is seen below in 6) I think I also adjusted the bottom lip shadow here. Straight-on, the middle of his lips is slightly higher than the corners, but of course, this will change when not straight-on, depending on if we're looking up or down at his mouth. I also sketched in the nose shape. The ridge of his nose has a nice subtle bump, and then the ball of his nose is very slightly squared off I think, from a front-facing perspective, I feel like. And I drew in his slightly drawn brows. Just pay attention to the angles in your reference, because the expression, the perspective and the angle of the head can impact it. But of course generally, drawn down in the middle, furrowed = scowly; drawn up, unfurrowed = happy.

nose: I prefer drawing his nose in profile. And who wouldn't, look at it! The slight curve of the bridge and then the ball of the nose. I will exaggerate this a little sometimes, just because it's fun and I like it. I couldn't find a reference, but from below, you can see the shape of the bottom of his nose, it dips in the middle a bit more than average. Drawing the bottom of the nose is often a delicate balance between shadow and reflected light. I love keeping it light, save for the nostrils, but then the shadow under the nose can be important too. Sometimes it's just a stylistic choice. Note that there's a plane change between the side of the nose and the cheek. (I think I drew his nose too upturned here, but the general idea is still there)

6/mouth: In drawing the mouth, the top line of the upper lip looks more rectangular at the ends, increasingly so as it turns away from us, and much less so as it turns towards us. Of course, he has a full upper lip that you can shade as you like. I try to keep it distinct from the shadow of the line of the mouth, and a reflected light on the top lip can be good here too. For the bottom lip, it's always nice to give is some shine with a hard-edge highlight. For the cupid's bow, I try to leave a light between the upper lip and the shadow in the cupid's bow. For some reason I drew the shadow backwards here, but I think it looks fine.

7/ears: I started to shade it, and then I remembered that he has ears. There's a simplified way I draw ears that I like. It's not entirely accurate, because the two shadows at the top are actually usually connected, but I find it a bit distracting that way sometimes, so this is more subtle I guess. In profile, I don't really have a method of drawing it, I just draw whatever the reference gives me or bs it with a similar version of this, depending.

8/hair: My method for drawing his hair is 1) suffer 2) hope and pray. I like to leave a rim light-type deal between the contour/outliine of the hair and the rest of the hair, I feel like it helps define it a bit more. The direction of his hair, and thus the direction of my lines is something like this.

9. And then I more or less just shaded. When shading, it's always good to follow the direction of the plane, and I also alternatively like to shade in the direction that the light is falling to reinforce that gesture, but when I shade a face, I try to shade in the opposite direction of where wrinkles would go, if that makes sense, mostly up and down I guess. This is of course on a case by case basis, like a lot of times, I'll do the forehead horizontally anyway, but it's especially touchy around where the laugh lines of the mouth would be and the neck. And on soft plane changes (and softish hard plane changes), I often shade at a different angle to the main shadow. Shading direction can also delineate different areas of similar tones, like I did with the jacket and the side of the nose. I like to give Dean his eyelash shadow, because he deserves it. I also drew in the eyes, of course. I think I actually tend to shade them backwards, and the light would fall in the opposite direction, so when lit from the right, the right side would be darker, but I just don't draw it that way idk maybe I should.

And there he is, that's our guy!

Normally when I'm drawing, I'm definitely a bit more all over the place, and don't necessarily do things in perfect order. And it's good to move around. I'm probably not going to be shading things before noting where all the features are going to land, but I often am shading something before I've drawn everything. Or end up drawing one eye and then maybe do part of the other and then move to do part of the nose and then sketch in an ear and then maybe notice something's off somewhere and adjust that, etc. Just go with it, have fun, he's got a fun face to draw! 💗

[ribbonetteart]

Tribute to one of my favorite movies of all time + the franchise that has me in a death grip 💖

a bit late for Christmas but at least Valentine's day is around the corner ^^;;

Process below if that interests you:

AS I SAID EARLIER, I had been working on this piece as early as December of 2021 😱!!!

This was the original sketch! I was inspired after learning about Blaze's own design inspiration coming from Takarazuka theater, as well as it being the Nutcracker season so this film was in bouncing around in my head.

and this was allllll the way back in 2021 ^^; I had put the idea to paper to capture the image in my head immediately. But the idea in my head was extravagant and beautiful and would certainly take time to complete, as well as the patience and skill to work with watercolor 😔 I've certainly done my share of watercolor, both physical and digital, but I still feel like my physical watercolor work is a fluke, and I was still a novice digital artist at the time of this sketch.

In short, I wasn't confident my skill could live up to the vision.

So I would put this on the back burner. It wouldn't be ready in time for Christmas, and I could use this as an opportunity to hone that digital art experience so it could be ready next year!

2 Years Later...

It's December 5th. Fuck it. Let's crack this open again, I tell myself.

SO starting with the line art, it's actually 2 different brushes layered over one another.

I also changed Sonic's expression to be more love struck-looking, because I'm a sucker for romance.

The image on the left is a watercolor line brush, while the right is a pencil brush. The reason I wanted a water color look was because I thought it would make the illustration look dreamy and fantastical, and I wanted that to extend to the line art as well. However, my usual lines on traditional usually veer more towards thick and cartoony from years of studying the Sonic art style, so I really felt like I was working against myself here. I had also asked friends for their input and they preferred the lines on the right as well. If my followers actually do read these blog posts, I'd love if you could comment which line art style you prefer drawing or looking at.

The happy medium was to just combine the 2. Here's a better look at that:

I like it! I think it combines the solid line with the rustic water color grain. Best of both worlds :]

For the actual painting, The most notable thing I can say is that getting the right pastel-y color was VERY difficult to achieve for someone like me who often loves to use bright and saturated colors in her art. I feel like I really set myself up to do one of those "evil art style" or "opposite art style" challenges I've been seeing around. I had to repaint Sonic at one paint because the blue of his fur was WAY too saturated for the style I was going for:

I started with painting Sonic and Blaze in first and then working on the background. I think that's probably the backwards way of doing it but one of the perks of digital art is you can do stuff any order you want when you have layers.

The background wasn't actually as difficult as I thought it would be. I wasn't going for any difficult perspective, and I was using a reference so that could be it. I'm usually averse to backgrounds but I really wanna tackle more of my weak points in art. I actually had way more fun than I was expecting, painting the sky and adding texture to the grass. I think I had the most fun rendering the water coming from the fountain (which you can't even see too well anyway, lol).

Funny enough, I had just about finished painting the characters and background by early January. So why am I posting this in February?

The Flowers...

In case you don't know. I love flowers. I love looking at them, I love learning about flower languages, I love drawing them. so seeing that my reference image showed flowers circling the fountain, I was excited! I was already having more fun than I expected to be having (working against my usual style, rendering a background), so how could this be a pain in the ass?

Well, I am my own worst enemy 😞I couldn't exactly identify each flower offhand from this screenshot alone. The texture of the flowers is kinda grainy, since I don't think the animators were expecting viewers to look too closely at the set piece to use as reference for my lovingly crafted crossover fanart. If anyone has this in high quality though, please tell me.

(I think I actually got this reference from a tumblr post but I can't find it on my blog for the life of me nor can I find it in the tags I'm so sorry)

I'm a huge stickler for details so I really wanted to be as "accurate" as possible in my illustration. I can hardly identify some of these flowers with confidence. I think there are roses in there? or tulips? I'm not sure if those yellow flowers are roses or some kinda petunia or if I'm way off.

I'm sure these details won't matter to most viewers but it was EATING AWAY AT ME. Eventually I decided to try drawing in flowers that might look similar to the ones in the reference. Or some based on their flower languages. I was certainly overthinking it ;;;; It led me to going "fuck it" and just throwing in whatever I wanted. There are no irises visible in that screenshot but I made it the centerpiece of the flower ring. Who give a shit.

I made some guides for me to follow: The blue ring was so I could make sure the flowers make a half circular border around Sonic and Blaze. I was envisioning how it could look as like an icon or sticker or something, which is why it's framed this way. then the second guide is the sketch of the flowers I made. I always do line art and I'm not great at just improvising with color to paper, or color to screen in this case.

The rest of this process is then just working on each flower piece by piece (with the help of the mirror tool of course) with varying degrees of detail. Some flowers are more abstract than others, and I had debated if that would look jarring and disrupted any kind of harmony I was trying to maintain with the style parameters I set for myself. And then I decided I was overthinking it once again which is why this was taking me nearly 2 months to complete.

At some point during this process, my wifi went out for a whole week! Of course, I could still work on this illustration offline, but I had a lot of tabs open with a bunch of reference images on there (plus I like to listen to music while I draw otherwise I lose focus and I had neglected to download a varied selection on my phone or laptop 😭 Learn from my mistakes).

The most tedious of this process was making each set of gladioluses a unique color.

Was it worth it? You tell me! I think they're pretty, at least.

Along the way, I repainted the grass because it wasn't symmetrical (It didn't need to be but I had been using the mirror tool for a lot at this point and it was bugging me). I made other little final adjustments, like color adjusting the leaves on the flowers, lowering the flower ring border, and so on.

Ultimately, I'm extremely satisfied with the final product. I had my heart set on doing something like this for a long time. I had so much fun just experimenting throwing on color or not worrying about technical stuff. Of course, I did do what I usually do and overthink it at some points, but I'm working on it!

I've wanted to do an extremely indulgent AU illustration and other drawings for a Sonic x The Nutcracker story for a long while. I will be totally honest, I'm still a little embarrassed to share stuff like this, even after years of posting fan art online. It feels like the more self indulgent something is, the more people might judge me for it ^^; But I wanna practice what I preach and kill the thing inside me that cringes at my harmless attempts at joy and whimsy.

I would love to do some more drawings for this AU, but maybe post them around December when it would be more seasonally appropriate. I hope you'll stick around for it!

If you read this whole thing to the end, thank you. Whether you follow my blog or not, I hope you have a lovely day :3💝

[phoelipop]

I finally started reading Loveless and its been so painfully relatable like nothing I've ever experienced before

Back in 2015 was when I first learned about asexuality but I was in denial for a while because I didn't think it was real / just thought it was an internet thing. After learning more about it, I realized how much it aligns with my life and experiences I had growing up... but I didn't wanna believe that was me.

Around 2018 was when I fully accepted that I'm ace, I know that without a doubt. I never liked using labels for myself but once I found about asexuality it felt so freeing, knowing the way I am is perfectly fine and normal and that there are others like me.

And for the past year and a half I guess I've been having that same battle with myself over whether or not I'm aro too. I've never had an actual relationship (that i wanted to be in), nor have I ever really wanted one. Like others, I also forced myself or lied about crushes to fit in, never wanted to pursue a relationship with anyone tho. It's all what friends ever cared about, and yeah it's normal! But growing up not actually wanting those things made me feel very not normal.

But I'm human, I don't want to be alone. We're raised to believe romantic love is the one goal in our society and you're miserable without love. I've never been miserable not having a relationship, the only time i was was when I thought I had to and forced myself into them, just because someone liked me i thought I would start to like them back if i tried. I didn't of course and it was terrible. But I still wanted to be open to the possibility that one day I'll meet someone that will change all that. I don't really think that's possible for me and, I'm just starting to believe that's ok now.

Selfship always felt safe for me since it's fiction, and I did try to find friends and a sense of community through it, but again learned even in this I'm different. It's different for everyone though, but even with selfship sometimes I find it hard to relate to others when it comes to expressing love. I dunno… But I've always been happy with my fictional loves and my friends + family, that has always been enough for me.

This book has also made me want to be a better friend… I admit I've been so distant lately with everything going on in my life rn its been hard to see my worth sometimes and believe that I'm actually loved by my friends but trying to work on it… platonic love is just as important, even more so especially for us aroace-spec peeps

[cirilla-fiona-riannon]

Francis Drake Main Story

This is a rough translation. I’ll edit this if I find the time. Expect mistakes.

Drake stopped me, and I followed his lead and got into the boat.

Drake: "On your right is a very nice tower."

Mitsuki: "Hehe, that's the Eiffel Tower."

Drake: "That's right, the Eiffel Tower."

Just as he said himself, he hadn't yet memorized all the sights in Paris, so his tour was a bit clumsy. However, I found it enjoyable how carefree he was.

Mitsuki: "What you see over there is the building of the Paris Expo. I went there before with everyone from the mansion."

Drake: "Yeah, they're having a huge festival-like event."

Mitsuki: "It was fun. Let's go together next time. Vincent's studio is also around there."

Mitsuki: "Okay, next. The theater over there often performs Shakespeare's plays. Wait, why does it seem like I'm the one giving the tour?"

Drake: "Haha! You're amazing. I'm learning a lot from you."

He stopped rowing the oar and narrowed his eyes.

Drake: "This city holds a lot of memories for you and the folks at the mansion, huh?"

Mitsuki: "Yup. I was able to get used to and enjoy the lifestyle of the 19th century, thanks to everyone."

Drake: "Do you like this world?"

Mitsuki: "Yes, I do."

When I first time-traveled here, I was bewildered by the differences in time and culture. But now, the people I've met have become dear to me, and this world has become a place I belong to. So much so that I was willing to live here.

(But…)

Drake: "Then why the gloomy face?"

Mitsuki: "Huh?"

I lifted my slightly lowered face and saw him staring intently at me.

Drake: "Don't you realize? You seem to enjoy talking about this city and the people in the mansion, but sometimes you look a little sad."

(I promise not to feel down, and yet...)

He saw through my expression that I didn't even notice myself. He leaned his elbow on his knee and looked up at me, resting his chin on his hand.

Drake: "If you're carrying something, you can let it out here. You've been around here for a while, so it might be hard to talk to everyone at the mansion about it."

Mitsuki: "........"

Prompted by his gaze, I opened my lips.

Mitsuki: "It's true that I love this world."

Mitsuki: "But the more I think that way, the more I feel guilty about it."

Drake: "Guilty?"

Mitsuki: "Because my loved ones are in my world."

Family and friends. I had left everything from my past behind as I stepped through that door.

I really gave it my all to stay positive, but those lingering attachments and regrets kept dragging me down, making it difficult for me to start over.

Mitsuki: "I felt like I was betraying my world by accepting that I couldn't go home."

(Despite being treated well by everyone, I keep looking back repeatedly.)

(I'm so half-hearted.)

I clumsily let all the worries that had accumulated in my chest out into words, and he listened without saying anything.

Mitsuki: "Sorry you have to hear me talk like this."

Drake: "It's fine."

Drake: "You're ridiculously kind."

Mitsuki: "What?"

Drake: "You're worried that you're betraying someone."

Drake: "I've seen plenty of people get angry and sad because they've been betrayed, but you're different."

He said it as if he were in front of something mysterious.

Mitsuki: "I don't want to betray anyone because it would destroy the precious bond we've built."

Drake: "Bonds, huh?"

Drake: "No matter how strong your bonds are, there's always a chance the other person might betray you."

He looked at me and spoke again.

Drake: "I understand that your world is important, but it sounds like it's become a burden for you."

Mitsuki: "It's not a burden at all."

Drake: "You sure? The only things that come out of your mouth are thoughts of betrayal, guilt, and a sense of wrongdoing."

Drake: "You haven't forgotten or discarded that world. You're continuing to carry it while making excuses about being unable to do anything to comfort yourself."

(.......)

The words he said hit me like a knife.

He straightened himself up, and the wind rustled his hair and the feathers on his hat.

Drake: "If it's really important, even if you're apart and even if you can't meet, those feelings won't change and will remain just as strong."

Drake: "You should be proud that you have many important and irreplaceable things."

Drake: "It's your life. No matter how you choose to live, it won't be a betrayal."

(It won't be a betrayal?)

His straightforward words flowed like water into my chest, making all the worries and hesitations disappear.

Drake took off his hat and gently placed it on my head.

Drake: "Well, unlike you, I've always had this burning desire to get back at my enemies."

He playfully patted my head through the hat and smiled.

Drake: "If you're always thinking about those people and sacrificing your desires, you'll miss out on life."

Drake: "Or are there people among those 'important ones' who would call your way of living a betrayal?"

Mitsuki: "No! I'm sure no one would say something like that."

Drake: "Haha! You said it confidently."

Drake: "In that case, you should choose the path you believe in."

Drake: "In my opinion, living in a way that goes against your own wishes is the real betrayal."

Mitsuki: "Drake..."

(Even if I choose my way of life, my feelings toward those important to me won't change. I won't betray them.)

I traced those words in my heart once more, and my heart felt lighter.

(As he says, rather than being trapped in regret and guilt...)

I should cherish what's important and stay true to my feelings.

I reflected on my feelings and placed my hand firmly on my chest.

Drake: "I just had an idea. Why don't we throw some bottled messages in the ocean next time?"

Mitsuki: "A message in a bottle? The one where you put a letter in a bottle and throw it into the ocean?"

The letter was then carried away by the waves, never knowing when or to whom it would be delivered.

Drake: "Yeah, that. If we use it, the letter won't get destroyed."

Drake: "The ocean goes on forever, after all."

Mitsuki: "That's true. Thank you, Drake."

The smile he gave me was kind of glowing.

I squinted my eyes without knowing if it was because of the reflection of the light on the river's surface or because of my own feelings.

(A message in a bottle, huh? That feels like a dream.)

I hoped that one day I could make it come true with him by my side.

(Talking to Drake made me feel lighter, as if something I had been holding in my chest was flowing away.)

"You're continuing to carry it while making excuses about being unable to do anything to comfort yourself."

What he said earlier really stung. But his typical words and aloof smile freed me from the cycle of emotions.

(It's all thanks to him.)

I tried to thank him again but found him staring at the river.

Drake: "But I think it's amazing that you can think about someone or the world you've lived in."

Drake: "I'll probably never understand that in my lifetime."

He spoke in a hushed, mumbling tone, and his eyes had a cold light in them, giving off a chilling sense of vulnerability.

(Drake?)

Drake: "Well, I’m sure you’ll be fine, so you don’t need to worry about it."

Drake: "Real betrayal is much more merciless."

He suddenly wore a dazzling smile, quite different from before, and casually uttered those words.

(Does that mean he has experienced that before?)

Drake: "Even so, you're quite mysterious."

Mitsuki: "Huh? Is there something strange about me? I think I'm pretty normal."

Drake: "That's what's strange about it. You time-traveled, lived with vampires, and got caught up in ridiculous destinies, but you're just an ordinary girl."

Drake: "You worry, you laugh—you're just a normal pretty lady."

Mitsuki: "........."

My heart skipped a beat at his gentle smile.

Drake: "Maybe that's the sort of person who's destined to make a difference."

Mitsuki: "Drake?"

He suddenly leaned forward, his smile vanishing.

Previous Part ╎ Masterlist ╎ Next Part

[coffeelovesdramasalatte]

LITA Ep 3 Rewatch Thoughts

Hi friends! Here we are at ep 3, and these posts are getting longer by the episode so grab a lil snack and some water if you want <3 I had to make a part 2 because the number of images got to be too many (linked here and below)

The opening continues to slap (plus I think I've listened to it enough times I think I can sing along with the chorus despite not knowing more than 8 Thai words)

Recap spanks hehe

Opening the episode up strong with this beauty (am I talking about the bike or Phayu in the folded coverall? clearly it's both)

SCHEMING CUTIE ALERT!!! That's the Sky-is-my-new-favorite-person smile <3

I'm dyingggg - Phayu says "I'm still waiting Rain" but bro, it's only been like 10 hours since the declaration of love-war, please calm down

Oops I realized I haven't been mentioning the episode titles - this one is so cute! 'I like Rain, and I'm not talking about the weather" but tbf this should have been episode 1's title

Live footage of me crying over my schedule as a grad student:

Dang, Sky has got a good poker face

Also Rain and I are equally dumb (I'm including myself here bc if I didn't already know Prapai and Sky were going to have a storyline I probably wouldn't have assumed he liked guys right off the bat) - Sky didn't even flinch when Rain writes down his mission to court Phayu (a guy) and immediately writes down the first tactic. WHICH incidentally is "show up in front of him every day". It's pretty full-circle that Prapai uses this same tactic to woo Sky later on, isn't it? (I also didn't notice that until right now so wow these rewatch posts are helping my analysis skills lmao)

Look at my determined son!! He's gonna get his mans!! (Sky's looking a little skeptical tho)

Ah Sig my beloved other son who has a single braincell bouncing around in his head like a DVD player screensaver

The Rain-at-the-garage montage contains so many cute shots but this would get too long if I put every single one in, so let's focus on the first meeting with the brothers-in-law (P'Saifah and Rain). How much must Phayu have described Rain for P'Saifah to instantly know who he is on sight? Also P'Saifah probably reported back to Phayu immediately and I'm kinda sad we don't get to see that convo.

I didn't catch this until now but they also foreshadowed Rain missing a deadline in the next scene. Sky tells Rain to finish his work but as soon as Phayu texts him, Rain runs out of the room without having done anything.

Listen, I love P'Aon and his matchmaking skills ok??

Look at Rain, he's trying so hard to be polite with the P'Phayu and the khrap - what a good boy! It's taking everything in him tho lmaooo

The conversation that comes right after this between P'Saifah and Rain is pretty interesting. I love how the narrative keeps trying to tell us that Phayu is some sort of dangerous fellow when all he's done is be a model student and mechanic and teach college freshmen good manners. Could he maybe learn a little something about physical boundaries? Perhaps, but maybe it's just how kind-looking Boss is, but I never got any sense of danger from Phayu, and esp not towards Rain. Rain's reaction to hearing presumably about Phayu's past relationships is quite on-point, and really cements the stubborn and determined attitude he takes towards getting Phayu to like him. It's how we as the audience know he's gonna be successful.

Next up, Phayu arrives in all his fashionably-late glory. This part has me smirking every time because he walks in all suave and stuff but approximately 7 seconds into Rain's pouting he immediately drops all pretenses and becomes so squishy and soft

I LOVE this exchange between them - again, we are getting a full picture of their early relationship dynamics. Phayu has expectations that Rain's gonna be different, and Rain's telling him he's gonna meet those expectations, and Phayu's satisfied "ah just as I thought" face makes an appearance.

I absolutely adore this expression on Rain/Noeul - it's so subtle but powerful

Yay dinner date!! Phayu is taking so many mental notes right here (also pls note this is the same face Rain is making right above)

Phayu is way too good at pressing Rain's buttons omg - he really got Rain to do this with like a single sentence of teasing (tbf Rain is pretty impulsive tho so I'm not surprised)

The poor serviceperson was like pls let me go

Phayu goes through this episode looking wayyy too satisfied imo

But Rain actually does have nice manners - he gave Phayu the utensils and bowl first and does say thank you

This smile should be illegal actually bc it is stealing my heart and soul

And we get another instance of Phayu being very not immune to Rain's pout (this time he doesn't even get to pout for 3 whole seconds before concerned Phayu is feeding him and patting his mouth with a napkin)

We get some more foreshadowing that Rain is going to miss a deadline

ok THIS. These small gestures that Phayu does for Rain have me swooning just as much as their intimate scenes. Something about that sentence is grammatically incorrect but you get my point, right? They could have easily not included them (and idk if these were even scripted) but they make the relationship that much sweeter and believable.

Slightly off-screen headpat alert!!

AND WE GET IT IN POV SHOT TOO

Live footage of us whenever PhayuRain do anything:

Get you someone who looks at you the way Sig looks at his writing utensil (Have I mentioned I adore him yet?)

Also wait he's not wrong!!!

We get Rain's voice jumping like 10 octaves this time lmao (the increase is proportional to how much he loves Phayu obvs)

Look at our smart boy!! He's won design awards, y'know

Phayu you are not allowed to bully P'Aon like this - he's literally on your side??

Rain: I don't want to see Phayu

Also Rain: ignores Ple, the teachers, his friends, his homework to run to the garage to give Phayu snacks

Part 2 here (y'all we're literally only halfway through the episode omg)

[mirabel-on-a-bicycle]

“We find our community when our community is visible.”

There's so much more to this scene than what's going on actually. Elle visiting Lambert and meeting Naomi and Felix, I feel, also alludes to this ongoing conversation about the difference in queer visibility and acceptance in the arts and in STEM.

I FELT that scene btw, I so strongly did. Stem has been my whole life. I've only ever been surrounded by the culture in these fields. And it's rigid. It hardly leaves any room for self expression (istg u do something as low tier as cutting your hair short and suddenly you owe 10 billion people an explanation). Even full fledged scientists like Dr. Daniel Pfau, Joey Nelson, Jarrah Dale and a whole slew of others on places like 500 queer scientists, OSTEM and Queer in Stem still talk about feeling unwelcome and alienated in their own academic spaces growing up and grappling with losing a sense of community within the very thing they had so much interest in as a kid.

I've been holding onto my favorite science podcasts and films so strongly since the last few years of school when my love for science was slipping away from me at an alarming speed, because they were the whole point of continuing, everyday, to face engineering as a future— to somehow sperate it as a living breathing thing from the dead system it was taught in, to still see beauty in it despite everything. They're incredibly important to me.

Last year I went to visit a friend studying at a very similar prestigious art college and.. its just that roaming around the whole place with her was like an ache getting heavier and heavier. High ceilings and walls plastered with concept art, personalised desk spaces and boards full of self expression—like you could look at a board and clearly tell what kind of person they were, rooms full of music, shaved thermocol lining the floor like snow, open galleries where the students had sleep overs, people in the middle of easy flowing conversations about films and gender and academic approaches, art pieces and statues in every bend of the road that completely dismantled every traditional assumption about them— it was all real. And it just. felt so right. It felt like something was glowing so so beautifully and strongly in me by the end of the day that if I ever left that place itd go out of control and set everything on fire.

And I distinctly remember my friend saying, matter of fact-ly, that half the faculty was queer.

In all the spaces I've ever been, I found the people I grew and bonded and learnt about myself with in friend circles, lab partners, and group project members. And in mentors especially. It was my 6th grade eng teacher who had stopped a student mid sentence and taken 5 minutes to patiently explain to us what being gay and lesbian actually meant and what words that we could've been picking up from here and there were hurtful and weren't to be said ever. It was Mr. Ajayi and Mrs. Singh who were trying to be the mentors to Nick and Charlie that they never had. I can't help but wonder how different it could've been for me and every other queer kid in my school and college, if we'd had even a single mentor we could've confided in like that.

The roads from my home to pretty much anywhere in the area are lined with arts colleges and galleries, and each day on my way to college, I pass the workshop I took courses in in middle school and its students, knowing that it's all within arms reach and yet so far away. I've (not very kindly) felt this contrast too, but I'm still nowhere near feeling what Elle and Naomi must've felt when they said that to each other.

And it really sucks that people can't have that no matter what their academic background is. That the sciences keep pushing out people willing to learn, that minorities in these spaces have always had it much harder because the system was so rigid that it left no place for community within education. It's a serious and very widespread issue. Black, disabled and queer students and professionals keep dropping out every year because of this.

And I don't know if this was intentional or not but I love love LOVE how heartstopper touches upon this subject as well. It truly left no stone unturned.

[mobiusstripper]

So I just finally finished Leviathan Falls a few days ago, and I've already mentioned that I was really pleasantly surprised by the way Tanaka was written. Now part of that is just that I'm a big sucker - as both a reader and a writer - for taking apart characters who are irredeemable bastards and seeing what makes them tick. I was really curious to see other fans' takes on her, and it looks like she was pretty polarizing as a POV characters - some of you guys, like me, really loved to hate her (and maybe even dip a tentative toe into feeling sorry for her), and some of you just plain hated her (and that's fine - some people prefer being able to like their POV characters. I'm not one of those people) or thought her chapters were boring (what book were you reading?). However, I haven't seen anyone really say much about the significance of her interest in (love of, really) art and art history. So I wanna talk a little about that.

The takes I've seen have largely come down to either, "It didn't fit with her character and felt really random," which I'm about to disagree with HARD, or "It served as a device to show that there was more to her that meets the eye, and that she could have gone down a completely different path." This one, I agree with, but I also think there's a lot more to it.

(1) So let's talk about why art history specifically. Why not something else seemingly 180 degrees away from being a Marine, like gardening or culinary science? As an artist who takes myself unapologetically seriously, I have had a lot of conversations with an artist friend of mine lately about the intimacy of art. Art is both an expression of individuality and a vehicle of profound, often terrifying, connection. The former is what Tanaka regards as the core of her being, while the latter is anathema to her. She is drawn to art precisely because it exists in a space of tension between her comfort zone and her deepest fears. It is the razor edge that she loves to walk.

I've said before that I think of art as a form of telepathy - you are trying to capture something inside your own mind and externalize it in a way that it is transmitted into the mind of another person. When Tanaka begins experiencing this very literally in a manner she can't control, it's her worst nightmare. But she loves art because it is a version of this that she can control. It's an outlet for her to fulfill the fundamentally human need for connection when it's never been safe (both literally and psychologically) for her to do so through any other means. She learned that as a child when she sought a hug and got a slap in the face instead.

A number of the art pieces she contemplates are emotionally intense. The Third Miko in particularly is memorable because it is a heavy piece, full of vulnerability and grief and dread. These are the kinds of pieces that not only did the artist have to rip themselves open and pour their soul into in order to produce, but the audience is required to do the same to some extent in order to fully experience them. Turning soul-crushing sadness into usable rage isn't alchemy - it's more like a refinement process; it takes a lot of energy, and there is a lot of waste runoff that still has to go somewhere. For Tanaka, that's where it goes. That's the safe place to put it. Inside of someone else's pain, where no one will ever know it's yours.

(2) The other thing I wanted to talk about hinges on a "blink and you miss it" detail that, for me at least, completely reframed the whole picture regarding the "two roads diverged" aspect of Tanaka's life, and that's the casually dropped revelation that she never actually had a choice in the first place. The way this was written, I'm absolutely certain it was a very deliberate choice by JSAC to undermine the assumptions we as readers had been previously led to make.

The "two roads" framing comes up explicitly three times in the book. The first time is in Chapter 24: "Tanaka hadn’t thought about that painting in decades, or about what a very different life she would have lived if she’d made a few different decisions at the start." The next mention is in Chapter 31, when Dr. Ahmadi is reviewing Tanaka's file. She says, "You refused an advanced scholarship in order to enlist." Both of these references frame it very explicitly as a choice. But then, a few pages later, it's revealed that it actually wasn't: "If Aunt Akari had let her study art history instead of enlisting in active service, where would she be right now? And who would be tracking down the high consul? What else—how many thousands of other things—would be different?" (emphasis mine).

This detail and the way it was just slipped in there actually made me feel terribly sad for her because it reveals that this was, in fact, never where she wanted to be at all. This is more a matter of interpretation, but my takeaway was that the whole thing about her preferring a repressive society might be less the truth and more of a narrative she tells herself because she has spent her entire life deprived of any kind of real agency. It's true that someone who has never experienced life outside a pressure cooker environment might rapidly decompress like a blobfish upon being removed from it (I'm reminded of the memoir The Girl With Seven Names, where the author's mother and brother can't adapt to life outside of North Korea and want to go back), but that's less about being naturally well-suited to it and more about being deeply and maybe irreversibly maladapted.

When Tanaka tells herself she loves life under the boot because it gives her something to push back against, she's making the best of a bad situation by pretending her lack of agency is actually just a really sophisticated form of agency. It's because the only love she has ever known is the threat of consequences, with the only realistic alternative being complete apathy. It's the same mentality that makes abuse victims blame themselves - because, in some ways, the version of events where you were totally helpless and at the mercy of a cold, uncaring universe and the passing whims of other people is more distressing than the version where you brought it upon yourself through your own choices and actions. Wanting (and presumably asking her aunt's permission) to study art history, only to be forced to enlist in the marines instead is just another variation of her reaching for a hug and getting a slap. But if someone cares enough to slap you in the face, at least that means they care, right? "Laconia would put two in the back of my head because they care about what I think and do" is still a nicer story than "Laconia would put two in the back of my head because I'm nobody and nothing and completely disposable to them." It also made me wonder what was meant earlier by "if she’d made a few different decisions at the start." What does she tell herself she could have done differently to change a fate that was never in her hands to begin with?

TL;DR Tanaka loves art because it's the only way she can safely experience human connection and emotions besides anger, and it's implied she would have chosen to study art history if her aunt hadn't forced her to enlist.

[true-blue-sonic]

1, 10, 14, 20? 👉👈

1. Do you prefer writing one-shots or multi-chaptered fics?

ONE-SHOTS

It's just SO much more easy and contained and I need to remember far less details of stuff that came earlier and I can finish them in one writing session if I'm lucky so then I don't run out of steam halfway through!!!! Yeah, one-shots have a clear preference for me, haha!

10. Cltr+f "blinks" on your WIP & copy paste the first sentence/paragraph that comes up

I have One Bazillion WIPs with none really being my main so I just kind of did that for multiple (with blink because my multi-chapter fics tend to be in the past tense as well at times and then I wouldn't get anything):

Flufftober 2022: Blinking in surprise as he pulls the pillow out from underneath the bed Espio studies the blanket put behind it. It bulges upwards… Something is hidden underneath, the sharp ninja decides immediately, and thus that fabric cover is pulled away also as he scoots a bit closer underneath the bed. It’s difficult to make out in the muted light…

Espilver Pirate AU: Grimace only intensifying Espio stifled a flinch at people brushing past him, instinctively leaning back- and hitting the wooden wall immediately after, a thud following and some confused looks getting sent his way. Quickly straightening out his back the chameleon... blinked.

Little Ghost: Sitting unmovingly the chameleon blinked, not taking his eyes away from the sea of stars above. His ninja senses never lied to him. There was something here, and it wasn’t an animal after all.

Genesis: “I am never letting Tails make me a cup of milk again,” Silver huffed the moment he blinked open his eyes, finding himself trapped snugly against Gold’s back and not wholly remembering the last moments of just how he ended up here. “This a whole night of time I could have spent on finding out more about the future wasted.” [Coincidentally the very first paragraph of the next chapter!]

That was fun! ^-^

14. How do you write emotional scenes? Do you ever feel what the characters feel? Do you draw from personal experiences?

I try my best to put myself in their shoes and imagine how they would react to what is happening, yes. Sometimes I try to imagine it in my head and then put it down on paper. I do sometimes get emotional while writing! And I also draw from personal experiences; in another ask a while back I mentioned that I kind of 'talk to myself' sometimes in my fics and give myself a solution to an issue in my own life I've been experiencing. I think what is key here is just first jotting down what you want to happen in the scene and how it should go and resolve, and then with each rewrite try to make it more emotional and attuned to the characters' personalities and experiences.

20. Have you noticed any patterns in your fics? Words/expressions that appear a lot, themes, common settings, etc?

A funny thing I have noticed before is that if I use a certain word or phrase in one story (and that can literally be anything!), I'm very likely to reuse it in a different one, haha! But there is no rhyme or reason to that, as far as I am aware. Furthermore, I can reuse sentence structures (like "And X and Y and Z." for a certain style of sentence, using a one-sentence paragraph to draw extra attention to something, etc.), but those are just convenient writing things for emphasis. And as for real patterns, I love myself some themes of found family and romance, fluffiness, learning your individual worth and seeing there are people who care for you just for who you are; optimistic things like that. Plus Silver being a fluffy boi, him and Espio hanging out together, and things like that happen a lot of time in my fics as well, I think!

[llondonfog]

fic writer asks!!! 🌈 🎀 💝 🍭 💎 ☯️ (i got. a bit excited ahfbsjfn)

Let's Get ((REAL)) fic writer asks

🌈is there a fic that you worked *really fucking hard on* that no one would ever know? maybe a scene/theme you struggled with?

the upcoming zine fic my god i just wanted it to be so perfect because this was my first time committing to a word limit way above what i normally write, and it would be illustrated by someone i really admire— i really agonized over every word of that fic and kept deleting pages of it because i doubted it so much lol overall though, if i'm struggling with a prompt, i'll just delete large portions of it and rewrite entirely, if not from scratch until the flow finally kicks in and the words start to piece back together

💝what is a fic that got a different response than you were expecting?

there are quite a few that i wrote as throwaways that spiked in notes which left me thoroughly bemused, but i have to say it's the potion!au one!!! that was a completely isolated prompt that i didn't expect to touch again after the twstober writing event, and i STILL get asks on it today!! it blows my mind how that resonated with so many of you- it wasn't one i was intending to world-build or even write more about, so i'm really happy that i've had the chance to explore it with everyone<3

🍭why did you start writing?

this is so lame, but i honestly can't recall. i've just always loved stories and i've always enjoyed writing/essay prompts for school when i was younger- pretty much all of my english classes would have us free-write for about 10 min of the period starting from when i was in 3rd grade, and that definitely fostered my joy for exploring new prompts and ideas. i think i was around 13 yro when i discovered fanfics, and that opened an entire new world where i learned that if i didn't like a scene in a book or how characters interacted.....i could just rewrite it and that completely blew my mind lol

💎why is writing important to you?

funnily enough, most of my writing could be considered vent pieces. i write to purge my emotions (positive and negative), and to validate for myself that i can still weave a story after abandoning the practice for a few years. it's a way of expression, and i enjoy having a partner along for the ride to grow with and from as we explore ideas together

☯️how do you think engaging with each other through tumblr, twitter, comments, kudos, creates healthy fandom experiences? How do you deal with that if you're not a social person/experience social anxiety?

i personally think the positive engagement outweighs the negative- i love being able share work from the community and go wild with praise in the tags, i think that everyone deserves to hear how their artwork/story/post touched their audience. in that same way, it's how we all get to trade ideas and build off each other's premises that gets fed back into the community until they take on lives of their own. it's amazing to see what a thriving fandom can create when there's so much affection for the content and those creating, it's something i've not been a part of before when most of the fandoms i've joined have been dead ones lol

i can't say that i have social anxiety, but i am a highly forgetful person when it comes to engagement ; A ; i'll see that someone reblogged my stuff or left a message with a highly insightful and sweet comment, and i'll get all excited to respond to them later.......and then later turns into several days because it completely slipped my mind and it's too late to acknowledge it now ; A ; im really bad at that, i can only keep a conversation up with like two people online before i get completely overwhelmed and neglect everything else ailfjiafd

[zoeykallus]

Hey there! This isn't a request or anything, I was just thinking a lot about a request you got not long ago asking which body parts the Bad Batchers would like and I think the requester thought Tech was a boob man or whatever.

Anyway, that's not really important. What I want to talk about is you mentioned that you didn't feel comfortable writing it because you didn't want anyone to feel upset or offended.

I just want to tell you that is not your fault. It is not on you.

Your writing has been taking off and I am so happy for you, I am so happy that more people are finding your talent. But with having more readers, there's a chance that people will want to "police" you and you don't deserve it. It's a reader's responsibility to know what they're reading and to understand that if something were to upset them, it's not okay to take it out on a writer. Headcanons are different from person to person and so are preferences and that shouldn't be a reason to fight in fandom. You have every right to write whatever you want and whoever doesn't like it can just go touch grass.

You're a writer, not a babysitter. You have the right to enjoy what you write and to write according to your own headcanons and interpretations and if someone gets offended or tries to call you out for that, it's not your fault and they're big poopieheads.

Plus you are literally not problematic. SW fandom loooooves to point fingers at problematic people, and you're not one of them. You're a light in this fandom, you gift us with beautiful writing, and we love you.

You are wonderful and don't you forget it!

-🍄

Thank you very much! This was very enlightening, enjoyable and encouraging. I must honestly say that so far I have been lucky not to be criticized too much or often, so far the fandom has been really very welcoming and loving.

I'm always very critical of myself and cautious, if only because English is not my first language and I never really learned it, but taught myself for the most part. Much of what I want to write, I often can not express as I would like to.

You're right, I'm not babysitting anyone, but in today's society everyone is so cautious and oversensitive and puts far too much on the gold scale that when I write it sometimes feels like I have to perform complicated acrobatic acts.

To be honest I still feel new to the "gender game", for example, a bigger trigger for some people, it never cocerned me personally and I still have to really find out what all of it means for some people. There are soooo many new triggers compared to ten years ago.

Most of the time I still write the way I feel, sometimes soft, sometimes hot, sometimes very sad or even desperate or sometimes uplifting, comforting. I've found that I just can't work through my projects on a schedule anymore, not even always in the same order, because sometimes you just don't feel sexy, or happy, or dark enough for what's ahead in that story or request. However, I always try to answer sad asks who need comfort a little faster than others, but even that is sometimes not that easy. So at the moment everything is a bit messed up and I took three days off because I experienced a private low and I couldn't concentrate.

Now I continue to write. I just hope that I am forgiven that my rhythm these days is different and not quite as accurately ordered as it once was.

There are so many people who welcome you with open arms and who openly show their joy. And there are those who just sit and wait to criticize something, and these people I find exhausting. So far, I've rarely experienced this, but I've seen it in the comments of other writers and silently thought to myself, "Why is this a problem? Let people write the way they want".

In the end, everything is fiction anyway and everyone has their own idea of how certain things should be, or how certain characters behave, what personal traits they have. You can never really make everyone happy. If you want to write in a balanced way, I think you really have to get out of the habit of trying to make everyone happy.

The reason I didn't write those HC's was of course because I would write something like that completely out of how I feel about this, there's no other way to do it at all. I am who I am and I can't and don't want to write anything generic just to make everyone happy, because I wouldn't be happy with that (as egoistic as it may be). I also have no desire to deal with the exhausting people who would certainly put each word individually on the gold scale. Part of me thinks though as I said in the reply then, some people might be sad, they wouldn't complain but feel let down in some ways.

Meanwhile I have almost 1.5k followers and somehow I already have the feeling that I have a certain responsibility or, a different relationship to the fandom as before, I'm suddenly in the middle of it and suddenly have a few people who sometimes comfort themselves with what I write. I had people contacting me, telling me how much reading this or that meant to them. It is beyond any explainable feeling.

To read your message was very pleasant, has given me courage and showed me that I probably do something right (sometimes ;) ) Thank you again. You have brightened my day.

[alostlittleriverlotus]

One thing I have noticed with my narcissism (and PDs in general, ya know what, neurodivergency in general cause this is related to my autism and ADHD too) is that people will never perceive me correctly. I will always be seen as what they want to see. And I think that's one reason I'm so attached to MA. After so much work, so many years, and all of that, she doesn't see me as some expectation. Sometimes she does because she's traumatized and has a people pleasing problem, but I can just tell her that she is projecting onto me because she's in an emotional state and she listens.

So many people just see what they want. It's why I can feel I never can communicate properly (and the fact I'm semispeaking and I become overwhelmed by my thoughts.)

Like this is why I am so unstable with how I see myself. Yeah there's the trauma, but it's the fact that no one really looks at me as me. I speak and can feel not even heard and being misinterpreted despite working hard to say precisely what I think. Even with my closest loved ones, the good ones basically, I get this. And it doesn't help that with this misinterpretation that I am often demonized. I've been told I'm lying and faking, I'm a psycho/sociopath, I'm a narcissist (derogatory), I am selfish, I am a monster, and so much more. Family, friends both ex and old ones that I lost contact with, my abusive ex. Some of it is abuse and others are just...complete lack of understanding.

MA truly feels like the one person who SEES me and doesn't shove unfair expectations onto me. When I struggle to communicate my thoughts and I get overwhelmed and experience speech loss, he lets me take my time and accepts that he has misunderstood what he said. That happens a lot since our minds work VERY differently. But even with us having minds that work and process things extremely differently, I feel more understood by him than anyone else.

No one sees me for me. I am not my own being, I am simply existing for others. And that's why I fucking over explain and have so much anxiety. From small comments I make on a subject to my own posts to my close relationships.

And I am mad about it. It only worsens my desire to be understood which makes me feel more isolated and struggling to connect with others. I'm delusional as shit, dissociated as fuck, and have a very unstable grip on reality. And if I complain about shit, I am made to feel in the wrong. I'm just so frustrated by how I've been treated by everyone around me.

I often feel like such shit for preferring MA to my girlfriend, but MA is the single person I can 1000% unmask around. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have had a safe space to unmask and learn I'm a system or I have NPD and ASPD.

I dunno how to end posts so that's the end of my rant. Just frustrated. How much I've masked and it's still never been enough. How much I have worked to appeal to the expectations of others only to be called awful things and told I am a selfish, uncaring person even by my own "friends." To be treated like I'm some obsessive, controlling monster. My close loved ones now aren't like that, but I still feel I cannot unmask and be fully open with them. There is still an expectation from them that I cannot fulfill anymore.

I'm so tired of masking around everyone except MA cause they're the only person to truly make me feel safe to express myself. I'm so tired of constantly having to worry about others' feelings just to avoid abandonment. I'm so tired of having to fulfill the perfect friend role just because I've been left before. I wish they could make me feel safe and listen to me, but even when I open up, they misconstrue what I say. I love MA so much. Having that single person that believes in you, loves you, sees you, listens to you and works to understand, allows you to be honest and to criticize and point out the reality of our relationship, it's fucking perfect. Thank you, MA, if you see this. I love you so much. You're my best friend and the one person who truly sees me. I'm proud of both of us for how far we've come and I will always be here to support you. Thank you for allowing me to unmask and be my traumatized, neurodivergent, disabled self. And I'm glad I can be the same for you. I know you say you wouldn't be who you are without me, but I don't even think I would have come out as enby if not for having you to allow me a safe space to explore my identity. Thank you, MA. I love you, adore you, treasure you. Thank you for always trying for me.

Even in these posts I make, I feel I have to over explain or carefully word the way I talk just to avoid the more negative crowd. I still have bad anxiety around the online world due to bad experiences just related to ships, characters, and pokemon so yeah. But I have come a long way and I'm a lot better than I used to be. I never would have admitted this much.

But um yeah, that's my rant. I'm tired, I've barely slept lol so I'm gonna go take a nap. Night night.

[jomibee]

00

“Be careful, you are not in wonderland.”

— Allen Ginsberg, Kill Your Darlings (2013)

Welcome to my timeline! I am Jomara, but you can call me Jom. I’m currently 18 years old, born on December 21. I don’t really like putting labels on myself, but in case you are to refer to me with pronouns, I’m comfortable with any pronouns and/or I usually go by she/her and they/them. I mostly spend my day by reading fanfics, watching films, scrolling through different socmed platforms (e.g. Twitter), and most of all, admiring art. Recently, I’ve realized that I do not have a knack in playing games that usually need strategy and tactics, for my mind and personality are much simpler than I thought; however, I can tell that I’m adept in finding fun and beauty in everything I come across to, which I think is very important in life. 

I like caramel-flavored beverages and iced coffee. I usually order salted caramel frappuccino, salted caramel milk tea, salted caramel ice cream, caramel cappuccino, and caramel iced coffee in coffee shops. I like to eat my mother’s adobo, pork binagoongan, and chicken curry; my father’s sisig and pork dinuguan; and my brother's bicol express. I have a wide range of music tastes as I like to listen to Taylor Swift, Arctic Monkeys, HOZIER, DPR, HONNE, Harry Styles, The NBHD, LE SSERAFIM, STAYC, Rivermaya, Zild, and etc. I also like reading novels that have a slowburn type of romance; I’m fond of watching people develop love for each other in a pace that fits their feelings.

I’m not really fond of cakes because of their texture. I have a huge dislike, too, of insects. I’m not a pet-person, but I do find them adorable. I don’t like it, too, when people leave the door open and turn off the lights when I’m already lying down in my bed. Moreover, I dislike people who cross the line and make me feel that I’m obligated to answer them. But the most important thing of all, I hate men’s fragile ego!

Recently, I've been interested in cosplaying. I’d love to try it some other time, when my tasks are finally done, and if possible, go to cosplay conventions, too. Apart from that, dolling myself up is a new interest for me. I’ve never done make-up myself before, but now I want to learn it. I’ve been buying products, trying those out myself, and I think I’d buy more, as I’m loving myself more as a woman. I can finally share sentiments with other girls who love to doll themselves up to look more confident and pretty. It’s really fascinating!

I hope you can find my life interesting as you scroll through my timeline. Nevertheless, I still want to thank you for your time and have a great day ahead!

[kiwiwola]

What i like making

Ok. It's a Sunday, it's snow-raining, I did exactly one (1) chore, so I want to sit down and thing about what...I'm missing in my art-making.

I've managed to get out of the rust phase--the tea shop I found that opens late has made it easier to just plug in and do the thing more regularly, without having to battle the big "getting set up" (and getting distracted) obstacle I usually face. And I've been mostly focusing on doing studies, which also makes it easy to slip into the same brain mode each time and just go. But I feel like, now that I've gotten some of that rust off, I want to be able to use this non-rusted state to start drawing the things I want to draw. The things I haven't had time for.

Only...I can't seem to remember what that is. I look back in my sketchbooks, and I don't find any unfinished threads that I feel compelled to pick up again. That is, I think, what I would usually do in the past--find something I want to redraw, or an idea I want to expand upon or grow, and continue to flesh it out and create iterations on it. But there aren't a lot of those things I feel like doing anymore, at least not right now.

So I'm sitting down today to try and...look at the things I created before and not necessarily find things I want to continue or iterate, but to analyze what I enjoyed in the past, so I can figure out where I can nudge and direct my art-making now to make it enjoyable again, but for present me, who is different in interest, situation, and capacity than past me.

~

The first thing I would say that has always been really helpful for me is my...I'm not sure what to call them, me-as-a-fish-person-processing-life-and-existential-dread comics? They're not comics, and sometimes I don't draw a fish person anymore, but I've been doing them since...I think college now. They kinda sit somewhere between doodling and journaling. I talked with my therapist recently about how even though I don't always enjoy the process of making one, having made one helps put distance between myself and a difficult experience, or give form to feelings I don't easily know how to describe so I either stuff them down or let them run rampant. It's also kind of a low-stakes way to experiment with sequential story-telling, the "how do I arrange this so it shows what I want to show, and creates the feeling I want to share?" which is a sort of problem-solving I enjoy. There's a couple of old memories that have bubbled up in the last few days that I think I would like to do this with.

And i really like drawing fanart of characters I want to see more of, and imagine more of. I think I haven't done this lately because I haven't really watched/read/played anything lately. I like seeing and redrawing moments that imagine particular moments with more animation-esque expressiveness and reactivity. I think I've wanted to do this with some of the Chinese costume dramas I've been watching, but so much of it (the costumes, the poses, the backgrounds) is out of my wheelhouse I'm not sure how to get there. I've done a few studies that I haven't really liked, but maybe if I sat down and set about focusing on learning these parts more conscientiously (so not just sitting down and drawing a scene and going "I am studying all the things in this scene by drawing it," but focused on fabric and the costumes for awhile, focused on poses and landscapes specific to this genre for awhile) it wouldn't feel like I was failing each time, completing the study but without actually learning how to do the thing in a transferable way.

I like doing fanart of like, dumb goofy shit too--I think that's one of the things I loved back when I was actively watching/drawing Critical Role stuff, just drawing goofy-ass shit that made me laugh to hear or imagine. There's been some moments when I'm watching a game or art streamer, and I've wanted to draw just a goofy moment or comment. I feel like when the content of the stream isn't fictional though (like with a dnd game), that might be..kind of weird? Idk. I worry about there being a sort of parasocial element to that. Maybe that's one I'll keep in a physical sketchbook, then. And you know, the more I think of it, it may sound weird to just like..draw quotes and moments from a stream but it's really similar to how I took notes during lectures all throughout school tbh--I'd either draw alongside my notes, or draw stuff to emphasize certain quotes or ideas, or little historical figures or authors saying the points. Huh. Can't believe I never made this connection before.

I want to play around more freely with color, find what sorts of vibes different color palettes bring. And i want to discover this through exploration, and not by looking at a bunch of premade palettes, necessarily. I was noodling around in a new sketchbook yesterday with some markers, and thinking of what color to use or add, and the question "what does this need?" came up in my head a lot as I was thinking. And there is a big swirling pot of colors in my head. And I think "well the color I've used here is light and pale and cool--let's keep the palette cool. I will go with a blue, because it's muted enough to look like a green in the shade. And if put this purple over it, this purple is a bit closer to crimson than blue, and is more vivid, so it will look nice for patterning but also give a bit of a vein/living organism vibe. The green at the top I want to feel different, because it's a fabric--so it's a very bright green, slightly warmer, and the purple or blue can be used to create some dark parts, the way a satin ribbon has some very shiny parts but also holds a very lush dark in shaded parts sometimes."

When I use a premade/predecided palette, I find I miss out on this fun brainstorming/breadcrumbing process of...figuring out what particular color I want to add next based on both what I've put down so far and what feeling I'm trying to evoke or material/substance I'm trying to portray.

I think...those are some good nuggets to start with for now.

[liaromancewriter]

I will be honest in the 2 + years I have been here, I have never given my opinion on anything bc of the reactions I’ve seen from/toward others. I don’t talk about the books I like because I know there are those that don’t read/like them and I don’t want people coming for me like I have seen them do with others who have expressed liking those same books. It kind of killed the whole “be in a fandom” experience for me. And I don’t talk about my own ideas or head canons. It has even made me afraid to write and post. The only ones I have really had the courage to engage with have been some on TRR side and they been great and welcoming. But I was surprised to hear a couple of them who are known and have been around much longer than me say the same thing about how they do not share the same things bc the same reason. It did help to make me feel a little better in a sense that I was not alone in feeling like that. Now I can gush to them over those those things I was afraid to but it is still in private instead of out in the open 😕

Hi Nonny. I'm very sorry to hear about your experiences.

My advice is to never let other people bring you down. If you enjoy something, then you should feel free to talk about it, use the book's or character's tags, and others who love it too will find you. If you are concerned about anon hate, switch off the option for anonymous asks. It does help to keep your blog a safe space for you.

I can certainly understand what you said about other books. For example, I enjoyed Wolf Bride (and found others who did too) and I love Baby Bump on Choices. I've been jokingly told I have a Colonel Sanders kink because I romanced Clint Covington in BB (I don't have that kink). But, I love the Hallmark sweetness of that series and I'm going to continue to enjoy it for myself.

While I can't speak for others, I'm always interested in having a civil and respectful exchange of ideas/perspectives/hc with anyone, in public and in private. I prefer to do it in public because it opens up the dialogue for anyone to join. And there's nothing quite as fun as exchanging our different perspectives and learning something new about a book or character.

[madraleen]

Bungo Stray Dogs - Kafka Asagiri/Sango Harukawa Vol. 20 - The Usual Capslock Insanity (*anime spoilers and manga spoilers up to ch.115)

-aku-kun and atsushi, what a beautiful cover. LOOK AT THEM ON THE SPREAD TOO, THEY'RE SO-

-i really do want dazai to play nice with aku-kun. i want that for aku-kun. because aku-kun wants that. hey ho, was he always that pretty and i've missed him, or did he get prettier

-i want everyone to remember that the age difference between dazai and aku-kun is TWO YEARS. just two years. it's hilarious and terrifying.

-"and i would never deign to save the man-tiger" akutagawa says, as if he's not doing just that on reflex by now

-"just the two of us?" "do we need any more?" every time this exchange happens, it's a very IT'S THEM heart-eyes moment, and the answer is always YES BOYS YES, DAMN YOU NEED MORE!

-"the twin dark of the new generation" YOU ARE THE SAME GENERATION, DAZAI, FFS

-"young men... take the path that leaves no regret in your soul." in an alternate universe, aku-kun and atsushi heed fukuchi's advice, turn and kiss each other.

-this is something i get in the volumes and something i get with recent chapters - every chapter is SO. MUCH, it's such an experience, that no matter the page count, it feels like i've read a mini-arc. i legit cannot binge-read even though i know the plot. i say this as a good thing.

-my boy so strong :') akutagawa is so strong :')

-akutagawa thinks "i can't go on by myself" and atsushi sweeps in and saves him, WE GET IT, YOU NEED IT EACH OTHER, and we love you for it

-the panel of akutagawa's arm over atsushi's shoulder as atsushi supports him, my heart

-yeah see aku-kun, last time it was "just the two of us" you kinda died. so. given our current circumstances and the singularity and all - NO YOU CAN'T "JUST THE TWO OF US" YOUR WAY OUT OF THIS, PLEASE!

-"if you can land a hit, it can even kill god" oh?! oh?! foreshadowing? maybe?!

-OKAY YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOOK SO AGONIZED WHEN YOU CALL OUT "MAN-TIGER" AFTER ATSUSHI GETS YEETED, AKU-KUN, YOU REALLY DON'T

-dazai should have ramped up his goddamn team-building drills for aku-kun and atsushi, look where we are now -.- DAZAI-SAN, WHY DIDN'T YOU FORESEE THIS FUCKERY (you know i've been bsd-brainwashed when i've gone from "dazai predicted this TOO?! preposterous!" to "WHY DIDN'T YOU PREDICT THIS, DAZAI, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!")

-if i catch you babbling about dazai-san accepting you when you're up against the singularity, aku-kun, honest-to-god. don't you dare.

-"there isn't a man on earth who can replace dazai-san" i mean, agreed. BUT IF I CATCH YOU BEING RECKLESS FOR DAZAI-SAN WHEN FIGHTING THE SINGULARITY, AKU-KUN! we lost you once. it was enough. also the tragedy of aku-kun considering dazai his master. he works for mori, chuuya and the others are right there, dazai isn't in the mafia, he's literally in the enemy organization and they often have conflicting interests, yet when a master is mentioned, he instantly understands that to be dazai.

-aku-kun's expressions as he negotiates with fukuchi are such a mood

-fukuchi says he's grown weary of taking the lives of children for his mission, and guess who the singularity kills first -.- FYODOR, WHEN WE CATCH YOU FYODOR!

-BUT IS THAT UNNAMED LUNG DISEASE CURED NOW THAT AKU-KUN HAS LITERALLY DIED AND BEEN RESURRECTED AS A VAMPIRE AND WILL BECOME HUMAN AGAIN?! IF NOT, CAN YOSANO FIX IT?! AKU-KUN, fuck it, just come to the agency, we're open to anyone. atsushi will vouch for you if push comes to shove.

-lil atsushi's fighting stance, i love him so much.

-what beautiful action panels. so beautiful.

-I HATE TIME TRAVEL, IT'S SO UNFAIR! THEY BEAT FUKUCHI, THEY BEAT HIM FAIR AND SQUARE, IT'S UNFAIR

-not to be a fukuchi defender or anything, but imagine how wretched he must be feeling, needing to kill these two after all this effort and tenacity, after learning and adapting under pressure, after they legit beat him

-the end of the tripolar singularity could be "everyone dies, only fyodor and aya survive, end of the manga" and i'd be like "yep, can't argue with that, can't fault you for that, you couldn't write yourself out of that one."

-it's okay. it's OKAY, AKU-KUN WILL COME BACK, it's o- i hate it here.

-HHHRRRRR "away with you, you fool" and aku-kun smiles?!?! ARGH

-oh wait, atsushi doesn't know that akutagawa is alive in the manga timeline, right?! wait, do we see dazai's reaction to akutagawa's first death? omg i've forgotten so much from the anime.

-BRAAAAAAM

-WHAT ARE THE OTHER NINE CALAMITIES? MARY SHELLEY ANYONE?!

-and what happened to aku-kun's coat? atsushi left wearing it, but on the shore with ango he doesn't have it, and vampire!akutawaga doesn't have it either.

-so did killing bram cancel the skill so there's no more vampires, or is the skill still active through the echoes in his body? i vote for the first option 'cause the latter would complicate things too much, right? RIGHT?!

[applethemedkitchen]

I fell asleep and woke up randomly again I do this sometimes lol. I love having weird night naps. I like when you talk about things continuing between us lol.

Ok but yeah I think I get in my own way sometimes even with certain stuff between us and out of fear but also from my experiences I've learned that things go better when I make it about what should be done or following a structured system more because I feel like I've been authentically and fully vulnerable to people who did not deserve to know me on that level and did not provide emotional safety or depth to me at all.

And I’ve had people really take advantage of my authenticity and forgiveness and vulnerability and even what I didn’t know and my blind spots and that has all been used against me.

I know myself and I can be way too understanding when things are not balanced and overlook blatant incompatibilities or emotional immaturity. So I feel like I'm not fully open especially when I'm not fully sure of things and don't know if I'm just projecting my own feelings onto you lol.

I'm becoming more rationally and emotionally balanced at this stage of my relating to other people and on my own have worked rly hard to be emotionally vulnerable and say what I want and feel like that is equally important to what the other person wants in a relationships

I've been really emotionally open and really emotionally closed off at different stages and I'm just trying to stay balanced rationally and emotionally with you. Bcos I do have powerful emotions and I am very sensitive and I don't want to project that you feel what I feel I have learned how to pay more attention to how people treat me etc. to be more grounded about what the situation actually is and not to expect more from the reality but to look at it squarely in order to figure out how I should respond.

So I wanna see how you are and what the deal is and know I'm not gonna have to pivot emotionally too harshly before I feel fully comfortable 🥺 I can be very devoted to things that I should not be out of hope that they can be my things and I'm just purposely slowing down my process of all of this with you so I'm both rationally and emotionally balanced and not opening myself up to anything too trustingly or out of being naive 😭

I feel like I'm not fully open especially when I'm not sure of things and don't know if I'm just projecting my own feelings onto you lol. So I wanna see how you are and what the deal is and know I'm not gonna have to pivot emotionally too harshly before I feel comfortable 🥺

I don’t want to see you as much as I want to see you I want to know how much you like to see me and if that is compatible with how much I want to see you naturally and if that makes sense to figure out. Bcos I’m really not scared of walking away from things that aren’t for me so I don’t want to be asking for what I want right away I want you to show me what you’re about and to make a decision in that sense.

I'm trying to be grounded about everything and take things as they are but a deeper layer of me feels really excited to express myself authentically around you.

I have a lot that I could say about why I am like this. And it all makes a lot of sense to me lol. I am a really sensitive person to my core like taking everything very seriously and straight to my heart. And I have learned that the way I am is not for everyone lol. I have to feel emotionally safe to fully express myself with people I care about. And I'm extremely understanding of the individual path and have learned a lot from my relationships about what is and isn't right for me.

I have a lot that I could say about why I am like this. That all makes a lot of sense lol. I am a really sensitive person to my core like taking everything very seriously and straight to my heart. And I have learned that the way I am is not for everyone lol. N cannot be understood Or held safely just because I like you and want you to understand it. I have to feel emotionally safe to be myself with other people. Especially if I really like them and want it to be compatible

I'm trying to be grounded about everything and take things as they are but a deeper layer of me feels really excited to express myself authentically around you. And I'm trying to listen to your actions and what you want from me /with me in your natural state without me pushing what I want onto you. Bcos I do like emotional intensity and merging and the feeling of being on another plane or in another dimension of reality with someone and I know that aspect of myself has to be balanced. Lol. I do a lot of self reflection work for this reason. And try to stay in my own energy and observe what it looks like for us to be in our own energy especially in the beginning.