#because the author was INSANELY weird about the single woman character in it

[antlereed]

also, because i think its neat and i want to track my progress w this, im annotating these with little highlighter tag things and the difference in how i enjoy these books is. astounding

mirrorshades tagging is yellow - i loved it, pink - i hated it while transhuman is pink - i loved it, blue - i hated it (because i ran out of yellow tags and now pink tags that i need to get more of)

[lastoneout]

Talking critically about about One Piece below pls feel free to ignore me completely I just have to get this Out Of My Head or I'ma go insane

So I've reached the "Sanji is transphobic" part of the comic, and while I can't deny that is a very accurate description of his behavior, I must say I'm a little miffed that up to this point I have seen this framed as if it is entirely a problem with Sanji as a character and nothing more when like...THIS is how Oda is choosing to depict trans women:

I have been told that things get better and that there is a trans character in one of the latest arcs, and tbh this is very frustrating bcs I actually quite enjoyed the way the drag queen/gender liberated characters were portrayed in the previous chapters, it wasn't perfect but it was far more nuanced and sympathetic and progressive than what we typically see in anime, so yeah seeing this INTENSE backside directly into what looks borderline indistinguishable from a transphobic political comic is just.....it's not great.

Like I am really desperately trying not to be a Sanji apologist here, bcs his behavior sucks and I will fully acknowledge that, but I think framing this as a "Sanji" problem and not a problem with the comic overall is maybe minimizing the issue.

I will say I think given that the previous depictions of genderfluid and trans characters has been good that Oda isn't trying to be transphobic outright, I doubt he would write cool trans characters if he genuinely hated trans people, and I understand that he's added another trans character, plus the manga has 1088 chapters and this stuff is around chapter 600 so they came out a long while ago and I don't like holding old stuff against people, but yeah it's just weird to me that so much blame is placed on One Single Character as if the manga otherwise is very progressive when again, the narrative and thus the author seem to be validating Sanji's opinion or at least are completely comfortable making a painfully long and very transphobic "creepy predatory man in a dress who others find revolting" joke.

And that's not even getting into the sexism and racism and fatphobia(which ones weird to me also that none of the other characters are labeled as problematic for saying or doing bigoted stuff, it's only Sanji who gets that treatment?? I get he's easy to hate but this inconsistency is bugging me) and like...guys at some point we have to acknowledge that Sanji and all the other characters are behaving a certain way not because they are real people with agency, but bcs they are written by a human who has flaws and biases and yes, uninformed, bigoted opinions.

Plus like...idk imo framing it as a Sanji problem also rings hollow to me bcs again he's not real. It feels like letting the people ACTUALLY responsible off the hook when they're the only ones who have the power to change anything. Sanji didn't decide to be that way on his own, he's incapable of such an action, and he can't change his behavior or the writing of the comic, he isn't real. Oda wrote him and the others like that, and he can change things too.

So maybe just put the blame on the correct shoulders pls. That's all I'm suggesting.

Edit: Also maybe just me but imo there's nothing about Sanji's characterization that signals to me that he would obviously find trans women disgusting?? I know there are plenty of slutty men who love trans women!! And while he is a creep, them writing that the character who most openly loves basically every woman he meets could obviously never find a trans woman beautiful or arousing is like....IT'S A CHOICE.

[we-pay-for-everything]

Nancy Drew season 3, episode 10 review:

I don't really love this episode. All the romance scenes felt unnatural. I hate it when a character randomly, and confidently, states another character, especially one they barely know, is in love before they even admit it themselves. Like, why would Hannah say Ace is in love with Nancy? Is it really that obvious? To me it's not. And she barely has any scenes with Ace. It felt so cheesy and forceful. And George saying Nancy sounded like a single woman with agency and options was a bit annoying. She'd been dating Nick for months. Why was she acting like she'd wasted her entire youth on him? And that was such fake girl power moment. I get that women get slut shamed so George was being supportive, but it made me roll my eyes a bit. How much can Nancy care about Ace if she's crushing on Park? She's attracted to, and impressed by, Park, and also wants to feel wanted after being stood up by Ace, I guess? I can never understand liking multiple people at once, because it's personally almost impossible for me to even like one single person. But that's on me, I guess. Nancy's the "normal" one.

Anyway, Park and Nancy are entirely wrong together. She's barely 19 and he's at least in his mid twenties. It's not the age gap that's the issue, but she's not even old enough to legally drink. She's practically a teenager, with no job or plans for the future, and he's already a well-respected agent, much more mature than her, as their interactions often show (eg. when she threw his words about space back at him and refused to ride in his car), with no plans to stay in Horseshoe Bay. But, really, the main issue is that she's too young. He's also in charge of a case in which she's sort of a person of interest, and she's working at the police station. He's supposed to be an authority figure of sorts. Furthermore, the fact that Nancy thinks there's nothing wrong with their relationship just shows she's still very immature, even if she's super smart, and that's okay because she's super young. But Park is old enough to know better so I don't know what his excuse is. And I also don't understand why the rest of the gang don't think it weird that Nancy almost only shows interest in older men (Owen, Park, the other detective - whatever happened to him? lmao, Gil...).

I think the most annoying part of the episode was George and Nick's fight though. It came out of nowhere to me and sounded like George was trying to make Nick into the bad guy so she felt better about dumping him. I don't love George so I hope I can be objective, but I honestly don't get why she said what she said. Nick wanted to save George? He always saves people and runs away? When did he try to save George? She didn't need saving when they got together, and he accepted her proposal because he loved her. Maybe her death curse was a factor, but young love is also intense and makes people act hasty. I don't get what she was accusing him of, and I also don't get why George thought she was settling? Maybe he was the first man who showed her what a good relationship was, but he didn't pursue her. She liked him first, so she didn't go for the first nice guy who showed her attention, because he still liked Nancy when George became interested in him. This whole argument was a bit forced.

Nancy and Ryan's fight felt forced too. I think this was the issue with the whole episode. The circumstances were forced as well. Why did Temperance even throw a party? In these small towns everyone's always throwing a ball lmao. Bess remembering to spike Temperance with a truth serum because she needed proof of her real intentions in Horseshoe Bay was so idiotic. "Nancy needs evidence!". Well, Bess, if you told her what you read in the letter she wouldn't think you made it up. Do you think she trusts you so little? Or that she thinks you're an insane compulsive liar and manipulator? Why would she think you made it up, especially when it was you who trusted Temperance first.

Lastly, Hannah's master plan was just knocking on Nancy's door? And she was upset Nancy didn't figure it out? Even if Nancy thought it was a ghost, she's too used to that. But then, at the party, Hannah magically remembered to mess with the radio! She was right to go after Ace though, because Nancy already had a mystery on her hands and when that happens she doesn't care about anything else.

[vergess]

Oh yes, the "Lucy gets gangbanged correctively" is VERY popular in academia, just like it's popular to state that Harker fleeing from the sisters' fangs is "Male anxiety towards female sexuality". From the latest one I read":

The murderous phallicism of this passage clearly punishes Lucy for her transgressions of Van Helsing’s gender code, even as it reassures the threatened homosociality of these very anxious males... By disciplining Lucy and restoring to each gender its “proper” function, Van Helsing’s pacification program at once paralyzes the female, disperses a specifically homosexual threat, and consolidates the male homosocial community. Here indeed is a process “wherein male rivals unite, refreshed in mutual support and definition, over the ruined carcass of a woman.”

I love when academics say insanely dumb shit and then provide no explanation whatsoever.

If I tried to get away with that in class, or hell in a fucking shitpost, I'd be eaten alive.

Every single line of that needs to be its owe explanatory paragraph because otherwise they're just talking shit and expecting us to agree on reflex lmao

Like, I've got the training to see the point they were goeg for, but I shouldn't have to fix it for them, goddamn

The murderous phallicism of this passage > The wooden stake is a phallic object, and a large one at that. It is specifically given to Lucy's fiance, who sweatily heaves it into her body. In this way, the stake serves as symbolic of sexual penetration, eg, the penis.

clearly punishes Lucy for her transgressions of Van Helsing’s gender code > You saying "clearly" dosen't absolve the need for clarification. Who edited this? Why did you let the author publish this inanity? Anyway, Lucy is explicitly being SAVED in the scene, but if we pretend that being a vampire represents feminine empowerment, a hypothesis opposed and negated by the rest of the novel, then yes on could argue the staking counters that. One could emphatically NOT argue that it's because Lucy "violated VH's gender norms." Lucy adhered with perfection to those norms, and in fact it is specifically her passive acceptance of her fate, associated with womanhood and praised by VH, that allows her to die in her sleep, and avoid totau corruption.

even as it reassures the threatened homosociality of these very anxious males > IN! WHAT! UNIVERSE! DOES! THE! STAKING! SOOTHE! THEIR! ANXIETIES!! But anyway, let's pretend that actually happened, because that's clearly how this dipshit interpreted it. That has FUCKALL to do with homosociality. In real life, yes, any grouping ot men without women is a homosocial situation. BUT THIS IS NOT REAL LIFE. What in the name of fuck do

OH MY GOD IT'S BECAUSE JACK FINALLY BELIEVES VAN HELSING

I swear to fucking god, no one is allowed to talk about this novel until they write me a fucking letter by MAIL about how they love and respect every single character.

You wanna talk homosociality, talk about the way Jono is convinced to let Drac step on him. Talk about the crew of the demeter. TALK! ABOUT! THE STEAMSHIP AND HORSEBACK RIDING!

Or, you know, just make some drivel up. Yikes.

By disciplining Lucy > The bloofer lady is not Lucy and everyone involved is very explicit about this. It is Lucy's CORPSE.

and restoring to each gender its “proper” function > Mate, you're just projecting at this point. VH is about to call Seward his wife, and you think he's the arbiter of Extreme Gender Conformity Mutilation??? But anyway, sure, blame VH for your weird belief that this is restoring a natural order. Whatever.

And they say I'm projecting just because I write porn.

Van Helsing’s pacification program at once paralyzes the female > SHE! IS! DEAD! ALREADY!!! WHY ARE YOU SO DETERMINED TO EQUATE WOMANHOOD WITH A DEAD BODY BEING PUPPETED AROUND BY A MAN????

disperses a specifically homosexual threat > Ah yes, the homosexual threat of [checks notes] a 19 year old straight woman corpse on her, who has literally got baby fever.

and consolidates the male homosocial community > Author does not know what homosociality is. I give up.

Here indeed is a process “wherein male rivals unite, refreshed in mutual support and definition, over the ruined carcass of a woman.” > Listen at this point I have to assume this was written by a TERF somehow. The way the author keeps gagging on the dehumanization of Lucy by equating her life to the violent corrupt monster in her corpse is like.

So fucking.

IDK how to describe it, but if the author isn't a TERF, I still wouldn't trust them around any trans person. This is NOT a healthy realtionship to gender roles.

[theladyofbloodshed]

I am 21 years old. Two years ago I moved to another country and a guy I considered my friend started getting weird and wanted to hook up. Not only that, when I asked him to stop and started ignoring him since he won’t get a hint, he started stalking me.

Now I can’t, FOR THE LIFE OF ME, understand how Feyre justified Rhys drugging her, lap dances, broken bone in her arm and everything else. I see people saying she was manupilated by Rhys but come on! I still get weird if I see him on social media (mutual friends post). Even if SJM wrote Feyre as being manupilated (long shot), it still makes very little sense to me. How can you never have any problem with your abuser? I get it that people work at different levels and have different kinds of understanding. But atleast the author should understand and give clearance. Isn’t she like 40 with two kids! This weirds me out and the fact that it’s never acknowledged, even by the author is🥺!!!!

And this is controversial, but I always get a feeling that she invented mating bond to justify relationships after she fucks them up. Like come on! I never and I repeat NEVER get a feeling of love between these mated characters. Idk what she understands about marriages but being 21 and very single, I have a better understanding that primal mating instincts is not what makes your marriage work. How are people out there labelling Rhys and Feyre as perfect couple (and not just books but they want that kind of thing in real life)? Can somebody (you or your followers who are not single explain if I am mistaken).

Ugh the fans confuse me.

(And sorry that went long. Kinda confused and frustrated).

You would think that way but if you go and read any AITA post on reddit, it's like oh my gosh???? So many red flags a bull is going insane. It can be difficult for people to take a step back from the relationship and see it from the outside especially if lots of time has been invested in it.

Everything is justified away by the mating bond. They were aggressive because of the bond. They're possessive because of the bond. It's always the males too, never seen the women snarling and growling because another woman had dared to speak to their partner. I can't remember the exact quote but I saw one once that your life partner is the person you're going to eat dinner with every single day for the rest of your life, the one you'll wake up beside, you need to be friends not just crazy in lust. A perfect couple doesn't exist (and it sure as hell isn't f/eysand). People want a rich, handsome man. 50 shades of grey would be very different if he was poor and ugly!

[colorisbyshe]

i really don’t want to read the seven husband of eleanor hugo but i want to know what happens. why is it so bad like i assumed it would be but i need to hear the exact specific shitty details!!! (if you don’t mind sharing)

*Evelyn Hugo, not Eleanor

(Scroll down to my TLDR section if this is too much)

But... to start off, I need to stay that it's written by a straight, white woman and it is about... a lot of women of color. And the "soulmate" relationship in the book is about a lesbian and a bisexual woman and the bisexual woman is best friends with a gay man.

So, the author is writing about a lot of things she doesn't... really have experience with. I've given my complicated opinion on "Own Voices" which is that it CAN be okay to write outside of your own identity but the onus is on you to get it very, very right. This book... doesn't.

But beyond it just handling race and sexuality HORRIBLY, including a weird line where a gay man admits to always ~a little bit~ wanting to sleep with the bisexual lead and the biracial interviewer admitting she preferred her white husband because he never made her feel like she wasn't black enough (which is VERY odd for a white author to throw in, it made me viscerally uncomfortable).

The book is just... not good. It is EVERY SINGLE "Old hollywood wasn't glamorous, you have to sleep your way to the top and sell your soul" cliche but like... updated to include gay people. The main character's first marriage has domestic violence and her "soulmate' relationship with teh lesbian has the EXACT same patterns of abuse except it's emotional abuse and not physical abuse nad it's just... excused as like? Oh, you know how she can get sometimes...

There's a weird plot where the lesbian is UPSET that her bisexual gf won't be out (WHILE THE LESBIAN GF IS ALSO CLOSETED) IN THE 60S. She's like "Okay, so we might be jailed or forcibly institutionalized and lose our careers, but if you REALLY LOVE ME, you won't be closeted" WHICH IS INSANE. ANd part of the patterns of abuse in the relationship.

The book is fucking boring. It's slog of cliches just mixed in with "But I love this woman so much" even though their love is never really established, just stated. And what we see is the abuse.

There's a VERY weird plot twist where the main character reveals the interviewer's (black) father didn't die from driving drunk. Instead, the black father wa sin a relationship with Evelyn's white gay best friend and the white gay best friend drove drunk, KILLED the dad, and Evelyn moved his dead body to make it seem liek her dad killed himself.

And she knew it was her dad because... he VERY conveniently wrote out a letter saying "I'm a dad, I love my kid, I am also gay for you, but my wife is my platonic soulmate. My name ___. I love you" and the white guy (WHO WAS THE ONE WHO KILLED HER DAD) had the ltter in his pocket?

A VERY weird contrivance.

More weirdness: the book stops, COMPLETELY, to go on SEVERAL like basic diatribes about how like bi erasure is bad, the word whore is used by men to control women, and other like... baby's first feminism lectures. And it feels SOOO proud of itself.

It also stops to be like "You know every historical event between the 50s and present day? Yeah, Evelyn was on the right side of hsitory EVERY time despite being money hungry, dehumanizing to other people, fairly fucking awful to her (Latina) staff, and never once mentioned her politics until the author remembered she was alive during stonewall and the AIDS crisis and that she needed to maek sure you knew Evelyn cared."

The injection of real world events kinda curdled my stomach. Also, the author made sure to say that it was MEN at the frontlines of Stonewall and it's like ???????????????????? Okay, work. Also, die maybe?

The characters are all horrible people but not evne in interesting ways. There's no like complex politics to it. There's not even real nuance to it. It's just like "Evelyn likes to use people but she had to, so it's okay." Which I could get with if she wasn't so otherwise FLAT.

Also, I know this isn't a well organized complaint list, but can I say it is INSANE that the ENTIRE book is about how Evelyn has HUUUGE honkers and htat's why everyone gravitates towards her or forgives her or wants to use her. And then she gets breast cancer and the interviewer thinks "Isn't it funny that the things that got her so far are killing her" and I knooow it's meant to be some like ironic twist of fate thing but idk... it really feels like misogyny. It feels like comeuppance or some weird shit and it made me UNCOMFORTABLE.

TO PUT IT BRIEFLY:

The book is insanely boring and cliche. It is every "Hollywood is SCARY" cliche ever but thinks it's differentiating itself by involving LGB people and people of color but, because it is written by a straight, white woman, it cannot do that well. Every time it tries to smugly diatribe about sexuality, gender, race, class it gets it wrong and makes you feel like you're slowly going insane.

No one cahracter is interesting. The main romance is abusive but doesn't know it's abusive, despite spending entire chapters on how ANOTHER relationship is abusive.

The book is soulless. Isn't particularly well written. Thinks it's smarter and more charming than it is. No one is likeable. No one is funny or sweet.

It runs on shock value but nothing is shocking. IT's the same stupid mistakes over and over again withou tanyone EVER realizing what the REAL mistakes are.

It's bad.

[yuriisclumsy]

Inside a Game

Last Chapter | Next Chapter

𝗉𝗋𝗈𝗈𝖿𝗋𝖾𝖺𝖽 𝖻𝗒 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋𝗌 𝗍𝗋𝗎𝗅𝗒. 𝚆𝚘𝚛𝚍 𝙲𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚝: 2137

Authors note: I hope you lovelies are ready for the end of ACT I! I made a whole GIF for the chapter... Yeah, not doing that again in a while.

I couldn’t believe what I had seen.

She wasn't supposed to exist, yet…somehow…she was right there.

This wasn’t making any sense. How could a character in a video game be here!?

My mind flashed with a memory, a very important memory I had forgotten that would have answered where I was.

“What do you think [Name], pretty cool right?”

“Amalia, for the last time, I don’t know what you’re showing me.” She gasped, offended that I wasn’t paying attention to her explanation.

“This is the game I was talking to you about! It came out a few months ago, and I think it’s amazing!” She said with a big smile as she switched to another character. “Look! This is Lisa. She’s a librarian!”

I looked at the screen. There stood ‘Lisa’ in the middle of a pack of monsters. She was glittered in purple, and had a witches hat.

“A librarian? Shouldn’t she not know how to fight? You know, because she’s in the library all the time? I pointed out. “And what’s with the witch get-up?” 

“Uh, well, I don’t know much about her background yet, so I couldn't tell you why she fights… As for her being a witch…don’t know that either.”

“*sight* Her name’s Lisa, right? What about this guy?” I pointed at another of her characters that were in her team. I could see that she was ecstatic that I finally got interested.

“Oh, this is Kaeya! He’s one of my supports’!” She shoved the screen in my face. She switched to another character, “This is Jean. My first 5 star character. I love her!”

“I fail to see what’s so entertaining about the game. But, because you are my friend, I’ll listen to your rants.”

“REALLY?!” I covered my left ear.

“Yeah. You’ve listened to mine, so it’s only fair I do the same. Also, don’t scream in my ear.”

“Whoops, sorry,” she gave me the happiest smile I had seen from her for a while.

Amalia used to talk to me about this game whenever she could. It was her favorite. She’d spent an ungodly amount of time “farming” materials to ascend her characters. Talked days on end about the lore of the game, and her insane theories.

How could I have forgotten something like that?

When I snapped out of that state, I was met with another screen. It was showing a quest: A One-Sided Reunion. There was not a single decline, or accept button. The only option was to continue.

Quest:

A One-Sided Reunion

[Continue]

And why do these things keep on appearing in the worst times?! I flapped my arms trying to make the screen despair. Stupid hologram! I just had a traumatic experience, and this is what you do?! AGH!

The screen was still intact after I calmed down. The continue button kept staring at me to press it. I sighed in defeat. There was no other way of leaving this space, I had to press it.

I pressed continue and everything gained motion.

“Hello? Are you alright, dearie?” the woman – that I now know to be Lisa – asked. She placed a hand on my forehead, face filled with worry. I see her appeal now.

I took her hand off of my head, placing back down for her to rest. It feels weird when I know she’s a video game character.

“I’m fine, miss,” I gave her a smile, “I just remembered something important. Sorry I made you worried…”

“Oh, please, don’t apologize. You had to take your time. Are you the one Amber told me about? The girl who has amnesia? Are you remembering some things?”

Calm down [Name]. Just lie. It’s going to hurt no one.

“Yes. I just had a memory come back to me about a friend,” it wasn’t a total lie.

“That’s good.”

“Uh, I’m sorry. Is it possible to check out this book?” I need to leave this place. The fact that I’m talking to a character in a game is making me feel dizzy.

“Yes, I can check them out for you,” she said, walking to the stairs.

Seeing her from afar, her outfit is almost identical to her in-game model. If Amalia were here, she would be all over her. She had a weird fixation with her, just like my mom.

Wait… Is she into older women??? No, can’t be. She said she wanted to marry a rich man. An image of Amalia marrying a wealthy man came into my mind.

“Are you coming?” Lisa called from the stairs.

“Ah, yes!” Leaving the thought alone, I left the seat and ran towards her.

I excited the library as fast as I could when Lisa checked out the book. If I were to stay there for one more second I would have suffocated.

Turns out that meeting characters of a game in real life is not a dream come true.

I don’t understand… I strolled the streets of the city that had welcomed me with open eyes. How did I end up inside a game to begin with? 

I looked at the sky. The colors were muddied because of the dragon, but not that dark; it was cloudy.

Most people are afraid to step outside, leaving the streets feeling lonely. One or two clerks are open, and the few brave souls that didn’t fear a mythological creature, with knights doing routine checks.

If I remember correctly, Amalia explained the game follows a set of ‘Quests’ that advance the story. This city, for example, is the first place ‘players’ spawn in; the first region of Teyvat. According to the book and Amalia, there are seven nations, with seven gods, which we will meet.

From what I know, all the gods use other names when referring to them in the story. So, what is Barbatos' other name?

Amalia said that out of all the gods, she likes this one the most. Damnit! Come on [Name], she used to say his name all the time. Remember! I hit my head with the book to juggle my memory.

“Miss, are you feeling well?”

“AH!” I flung back with my book and hit something. Opening my eyes, I see a knight looking concerned.

Oh how embarrassing…

“S-sorry… I, uhm.. Better get going!” I dashed away, leaving the knight confused.

“Looks like you scared her Raymond,” another night said.

“*sight* I don’t think I’ll understand you youngsters anytime soon,” he eyed my leaving form with a frown.

I breathed in all the air I used for my escape from the knight, with my hands on my knees keeping me up.

“Ahg… I need to stop spacing out,” my heart calmed down to an extent. I found an empty alley when I was running, so that’s where I was.

There were some cradles in the alley, so I used them to rest.

“Ah…a place to rest is what I need…” I passed my forearm to swipe the sweat of my face. I looked at the surrounding area, then to my feet. “...Am I really inside of a game?”

If I really am, I should be familiar with the events that will happen in the future. This was Amalia’s favorite game after all, she didn’t stop talking until I played it. 

“Hmm, what happens at the beginning of the game…?”

“Why did you want me to download this game again…?”

“Because I know a person with your intelligence will appreciate it! Right now, you are playing the prologue of the game,” Amalia explained.

“...What happens in the story?”

“Nu-huh. Spoilers.”

“Amalia, I’ll probably toss this game in the trash bin later. You might as well tell me while I play,” I pressed the ‘W’ key to go to the next quest.

“Fine… The prologue’s main plot is the rescue of Dvalin,” she looked at my PC’s screen from the side, relaxing in my bed.

“Dvalin?” I inquired as I slay another hilichurl.

“Yeah. He’s the big blue dragon you saw in the cut scene.”

“Why are we saving him?”

“Because he got poisoned during a fight 500 years ago that left him vulnerable enough for the Abyss to manipulate him.” 

“Sounds deep.”

“OI, don’t make fun of my baby’s backstory,” she threw one of my pillows at me.

“OW–!”

“Anyway— You are going to help Save Dvalin with Barbatos. By the way, he goes by Venti. No, I’m not explaining why. Play the game and you’ll know.”

It was short, but it could have been worse given the one explaining.

The Traveler saves Dvalin… Isn't that what they’ve been calling Sirius? Wait a second– isn't Sirius the name I picked when I started the game…!?

“AH, concentrate!” I smacked my cheeks.

I played through the prologue, Chapter 1, and Chapter 2,  the rest was told to me by Amalia, since I dropped the game, only playing here and there. I’ve been in this world for a few months, and so far the story has proceeded like the game. If I know the events that will transpire, then I know the future, if I know the future, I can either prevent and change things. And I can save myself from getting into anything dangerous!

Good thing I rejected their invitations to go with them. If I remember, Sirius had gotten sucked up in the air, and fought Stormterror – Dvalin.

“Now that that’s resolved, I need to figure out what kind of powers I have… I’ve been able to see cutscenes… Does that mean I have a system of-sorts?”

It would make sense, given that it’s a game, I need to have a game-system-power.

There must be a main menu somewhere. Or at least something similar to it.

Do I need to say it aloud? I puffed my chest full and closed my eyes at the embarrassing thought. I had to try it if I wanted to get somewhere.

“Main menu..!” I yelled, and I lightly opened my eyes to see if it worked. But there was nothing. “Guess that didn’t work…”

“What are you doing, [Name]?”

“AH!” I flinched and backed away, placing my hand on the cradle for support but missed. “AHHH! Uf!” I screamed as I landed on my side on the floor.

“Wah! Are you okay, [Name]?” The voice loomed over my form.

I looked up, only to be met with Paimon’s worried face.

“Paimon?!” I looked to the side as Sirius came forward, also worried. “What are you two doing here?!” Weren’t they supposed to be off on a domain?

“We just came back from finishing one of the tasks given to us by the knights,” she said. “Wait, don't try to divert the attention from Paimon’s original question! What were you doing just now?”

“Oh, uh… Nothing…?” I scratch my head.

“That sounded more like a question than an answer…” she put her hands on her hip, unsatisfied with my answer.

“Hahaha–ha…” I laughed awkwardly. Did you know there were 15 tiles from the entrance of the alley to where I sat? Neither did I, until now.

“Hey! Are you going to tell us what you were doing or not!?” She stomped her feet in frustration.

I stayed still, without saying a single word.

Sirius patted her back to calm her down. “Let’s leave her alone, Paimon. She has her reasons to stay quiet,” I looked up to see him smiling at me. “Are you hungry? We came looking for you to eat with us.”

“You can’t let her go just like that!”

“Now that you mention it…yeah. I am hungry,” I said, finally feeling the hours from the last time I ate. Had I been stuck in the library that long and didn't notice?

“Hey!”

I stood up from the floor, dusting my wardrobe.

“Is this yours?” Sirius asked as he picked up a book from the ground.

“Ah, yes! It’s not damaged right? Lisa would electrocute me if I let something happen to it…” I shivered at the thought of her using her electro vision.

“You know what? Paimon is leaving and getting that Sweet Madam Amber promised Paimon since you two don’t want to talk to Paimon.” The mad fairy floated away.

I felt bad for Paimon.

“Wait Paimon!” Me and Sirius catch up to her, “I’ll buy you dessert as an apology… Will you accept it?”

Paimon huffed, and flipped her head away from me. “Hmm, Paimon will think about it.”

“Oh, come on! Fine, I’ll buy dessert for three days straight! Is that better?”

“Okay, Paimon accepts!” She gleefully forgave me after the mention of more food.

I sighted and shook my head with a smile. That’s the Paimon I know…

“Can you two hurry up? Amber has been waiting for us for a while,” Sirius pushed us to go faster.

“Ah! My Sweet Madam!”

“Alright, alright I’ll walk faster,” he walked past me and talked to Paimon on what other foods they could order.

He knew I didn't want to talk about the thing they saw, his gaze landed on me when he noticed I was looking. I gave him a small smile, he reciprocated. He is too kind… I’ll tell you once I figure it out, Sirius…

I promise…

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Go to Arcs, a related series.

ᘻɑ𝘚Ե୧Ⲅ⧿ℓἱ𝘚Ե

[revenge-of-the-shit]

Writing Chinese characters set within Western worlds

If you don’t want to read it on tumblr, go check this out on medium or go follow me on instagram at @annessarose_writes!

Alright. You know what. I’ve seen plenty of stereotypes in fiction (and in social media) that are so incredibly pervasive I’ve seen many Chinese people within the western world internalize it themselves. So here’s a rough guide on writing Chinese characters in an English-speaking Western setting, written by me, a Chinese Canadian woman.

If you’re here to say something racist fuck off. Otherwise, welcome! This is not a comprehensive guide by any means. This is merely a brief overview based on my own experiences. My experience (as someone in North America) will differ from someone living in, say, Europe or South America. I’m not representative of every Chinese person because everyone’s experience is unique. So here were are.

1. Our names

Chinese names are usually written as follows: [family name] [name]. Let’s take a Canadian historical figure as an example: 黃寬先. In Chinese, it’s pronounced “Wong Foon Sien.” On Canadian documents — which are written [First name] [Last name], he’d be called “Foon Sien Wong.” He went by “Foon Sien” for most of his life. That’s his full “first name.” Nobody would call him Foon because that’s just half of his name (unless given permission). It’d be like meeting a stranger called Alex and calling them “Al” right off the bat. Sure, they could go by Al, but you don’t know that.

For those of us living in the Western world, some of us have both a Chinese name and an English name. In these cases, our Chinese name becomes our middle name in English (e.g. a character could be called John Heen-Gwong Lee).

For some people who immigrated to the Western world but were born in China, their legal name would be their Chinese name. Some choose to keep that name. Some choose an English name as their “preferred” name but keep their Chinese name on legal documents. It varies.

2. Parents & Stereotypes

There’s two stereotypes which are so pervasive I see it being used over and over in jokes even within Chinese (and, to a larger extent, asian) communities:

The [abusive] tiger mom and the meek/absent dad

Both parents are unreasonably strict/abusive and they suck

I have yet to see any fiction stories with Chinese parents where they’re depicted as kind/loving/supportive/understanding (if you have recommendations — please do send them my way). Not all Chinese parents are tiger parents. Chinese parents — like all parents — are human. Good god. YES, they’re human! YES, they have flaws! YES, they are influenced by the culture they grew up in!

That isn’t to say there aren’t parents like those tropes. There are. I know this because I grew up in a predominantly Chinese community where I had many a friend’s parent who was like this. Parents who compare their kids to the best kid in class. Parents who force kids into private lessons and competitions that the kid despises because the parents think it’s for the best. Parents who have literally called their kid a disappointment because they didn’t get 100%.

But please, also consider: there’s parents who support their child’s goals and who listen. Not all parents force their kid into the stereotypical trifecta of lawyer/doctor/engineer — I know of a good number who support their child in choosing the path they want. There’s parents who make mistakes and learn and try their best to support their child. So please, for the love of god, if you write a Chinese character, don’t reduce their parents to stereotypes.

3. Language & Learning

When I first read The Son of Neptune by Rick Riordan, I was so excited to see a Chinese Canadian character in Frank Zhang. Finally, there was someone like me. Finally, there was representation in well-known western media.

While I do appreciate that RR added in Frank Zhang, it’s pretty obvious that he didn’t really know how to write a Chinese Canadian character. One of the most glaring examples: in The Son of Neptune, Frank reveals he can’t really read Chinese. In like, the next book (I think — it’s been a while since I read it), Frank is suddenly able to read Chinese because he “learned” it in two week’s time.

Nope. Nuh-uh. Learning Chinese is a pain, let me tell you. There’s thousands of different characters and it is something you need to devote a lot of time to learning (especially if you’re progressed past the best childhood years for learning a language). So if you’re writing about a Chinese character living in the western world, here’s what you need to know:

A character who was born and raised in the western world does not necessarily know how to read/write in Chinese.

If they were raised by their own family, the character would very likely know how to speak their own dialect. They’d be able to understand the language used in movies/TV and they sound like a native speaker, but they may not know how to use language outside of certain contexts (the term for this is heritage speaker).

They probably went to Chinese school. They probably hated it. Chinese school is usually universally hated and does not teach you jack shit other than a hatred for the place and a vague memory of learning how to read the language without actually retaining knowledge of what you learned.

Most of my friends who know how to read/write in Chinese learned from tutors, parents, or were born in China.

There’s two main types of written Chinese: Traditional (used by Cantonese speakers) and Simplified (used by Mandarin speakers).

There are MANY other dialects (which I don’t know much about). The most common ones are Mandarin (usually spoken by people from the mainland), then Cantonese (usually spoken by people from Hong Kong).

4. Fitting into the community

Usually, the story is one of two things: they’re the only Asian kid in the entire school, or they grew up in a predominantly East Asian community. Things to consider for both of these when you’re writing:

Growing up the only Asian kid

They’re “that Asian kid.” They’re different. They walk into a class and feel weird and out of place.

They bring food from home (usually ethnic cuisine) to school. Other classmates stare at it, make fun of it, demand what that strange food is.

“Where are you from?” “Here.” “No, like, where are you really from?”

“Your name is funny.”

People literally never getting the character’s name right.

And that horrible, horrible feeling: wishing that they were white so they could avoid all of this.

Growing up in a predominantly East Asian community

It’s not uncommon for Chinese cuisine to mix with other east Asian cuisines. For special occasions (or just for a casual night out), your character could very well go out to get some sushi, or go for some KBBQ, or get some Vietnamese noodles.

Screaming “AIYAA” at/with their friends unironically if they’re annoyed (I’ve done this a lot with Cantonese friends. Less so with Mandarin friends).

Slipping into Chinese for like, two words, during a mostly-English conversation to talk about food or some other topic that can’t be adequately conveyed in English.

Reading books by white authors and learning about white history and growing up thinking white names, white books, and white history is the norm and standard even though the community is surrounded by East Asian people.

When the character leaves this community, there’s a brief culture shock when they realize how sheltered they’ve been.

Things in common for both of these:

The character has grown up on ethnic cuisine. Yes, Chinese people do eat rice with many of our meals. Yes, boba (bubble) tea is extremely popular. No, rice isn’t the only thing we eat. No, not all Chinese people love boba (though as a Chinese person I admit this sounds sacrilegious to say…)

The character likely grew up watching film/TVthat originates from East Asia. It’s not uncommon to watch Studio Ghibli films. It’s not uncommon to watch Japanese or Korean shows with canto/mando dub (examples: Ultraman, Kamen Rider). If you want to see a classic Chinese film from Hong Kong that’s fucking hilarious, watch Kung Fu Hustle.

The character has felt or been told that they’re “too westernized to be Chinese, but too Chinese to fit into the western world.” They’re torn between the two.

5. General portrayal

It’s quite simple, really. We’re human. We’re regular people. We have regular hobbies like all people do. We’re good at some subjects and bad at others. We have likes and dislikes like all people do. So here’s a list of stereotypes you can avoid.

STEREOTYPES TO AVOID BECAUSE WE’RE REGULAR HUMANS AND WE DON’T FIT INTO A SINGLE COOKIE CUTTER SHAPE, DAMMIT.

The character is a maths whiz and perfect at all things STEM.

The character is a straight-A+ gifted/IB/AP student.

The character is the next coming of Mozart and is amazing at piano/violin.

The character’s free time is spent only studying.

The character is insanely good at martial arts.

The character is either meek and submissive or an explosive, dangerous force.

I’m not going to mention the other stereotypes. You know, those ones. The really obvious ones that make fun of and demonize (sometimes through multiple untruths) how we look and how we live our lives. You should know.

Of course, there are people who fit into one or more of these. That’s not the point. The point is: molding all Chinese characters to these stereotypes (which white media tends to do) is harmful and reductionist. We’re more than stereotypes.

—

6. Conclusion

We need more diversity in portrayal of Chinese characters. Reducing us into one-dimensional caricatures has done nothing but harm us — look at what’s happening now. This guide is by no means comprehensive, but I hope it has helped you by providing a quick overview.

If you want to accurately portray Chinese characters, do your research. Read Chinese fiction. Watch Chinese films/TV. Initiate a conversation with the community. Portray us accurately. Quit turning us into caricatures.

[silkiemae]

The Never King by Nikki St. Crowe

The Never King by Nikki St. Crowe My rating: 1 of 5 stars Holy god, this book was an absolute mess. Many aspects of this remind me of the third season of OUAT. Anyone who has seen it will be familiar with what I mean. Before I get into the story, let's talk about the writing. It's... very subpar. I'm sorry, but it is. There are many spelling errors, fragments, over-usage of single sentence paragraphs and unbelievably poorly written dialogue. I find it hard to believe this was edited at all. Something I want to point out before I discuss the plot. I understand this is a dark romance novel featuring a reverse harem. Yes, I read all the trigger warnings and whatnot. That being said. Choosing Peter Pan to center around your reverse harem erotica is strange. I think it's weird when anyone ages up a character who is traditionally a child JUST to write them having sex. The whole point of Peter Pan is that he's unwilling to grow up. Yet here, the author was like, okay but imagine Peter Pan but an adult, tatted, and he smokes cigarettes. And in doing so, it completely erased the character of Peter Pan. How did he grow up? She's changed his entire back story but has given us none of the details. What's the purpose of Neverland now? And there's also the case of our MC, Winnie. It is repeatedly mentioned that she has 'just turned 18'. Over and over again, we are told about how Peter takes the Darlings on their 18th birthday and that they are broken. The emphasis on the age is disturbing because it honestly reminds me of all of those ' FRESH adults JUST TURNED 18' pornos. The main character, Winnie Darling, has no personality aside from enjoying sex. All we know about her appearance is that she has brown hair and green eyes and she's malnourished. The only women in her life are prostitutes. One of which groomed her to use her body to get what she wanted from boys from a young age. She resents her mother for being crazy and a prostitute but then uses that as a defense for why she has unhealthy sex all the time. So the gist of the plot is this. Every woman in the Darling family gets taken by Peter Pan when they turn 18, and then he and his Lost Boys 'break them'. This means they get their mind broken into by a faerie who then drives them insane. It's purposely left as a mystery as to how she will get broken throughout the book, and it's a little odd mixed with Peter's 'no touching/fucking the Darling's'. It makes it seem like that's what was the cause of them being broken, yet later, Winnie fucks everyone with no consequence. So what was the point of this rule? First of all, why do only women get taken? Are men unable to retain their ancestor's memories? Secondly, if the Darlings are well aware of this 'curse' or whatever on their future daughters, why would they continue having children? Wouldn't you want to avoid that fate? The way sex is portrayed in this book is incredibly unrealistic and laughable. The Lost Boys are so sex-crazed that they pop boners at Winnie moaning because food tastes good. She eats a pancake, licks some syrup off her lip, and now Bash has a boner. There's even a part where Winnie is being taught to gut a fish, and she gets aroused by the mention of the dead fish's ANAL CAVITY??? I just...what?! The character of Vane(The Dark One) makes little sense to me. He is supposedly the worst one, the meanest one, etc. Yet he's the one who ends up saving Winnie in the end? It doesn't fall in line with his character at all. He spits in her mouth and constantly degrades her; at least, in my eyes, it didn't read as a consensual thing. Idk man; why is he suddenly bothered at the thought of Winnie losing her mind? Why does he care about her but not any of the other Darlings they did this to? The Lost Boys narrative bounces all over the place. They constantly talk about loving to break women and seeing them cry, bleed, beg, etc. But then, at the same time, they're constantly worrying over Winnie and how thin she is (this is honestly mentioned a ridiculous amount and this book is only 200 pages), hoping Vane isn't too mean to her, and worrying about her getting broken even though they constantly talk about how much they love to break women.... like what?! Idk, this book gave me major ick vibes. View all my reviews

[dangermousie]

CFC 180

1. Chen Man/Yan/Gan/Slow is leaving and I still don’t feel anything which is a running theme with this character. Except for a brief moment of pity in the dungeon and a brief moment of rage in the villa, I have felt absolutely nothing for him throughout. No idea if it’s intentional or a rare Meatbun flub but eh, bye bye, Chen Man, the MTL being creative with your name was the only entertaining thing about you.

2. Rich wives gossiping about XQC and going “how can he be gay, look how manly he is, why would He Yu want to bang him, that’s nuts” and also discussing how hot he is, is cracking me up. XQC single-handedly (not sure if hands are at issue :P) creating a cadre of fujoshi :P

3. Except XQC overhears them, dammit, and they are also saying that he was HY’s doctor from childhood so there must be something gross/dirty about the whole thing UGH. But the thing that is so interesting to me is that XQC doesn’t even have a reaction, not even a small flinch. He is so mind over matter and can deal with anything provided he had time to process it - I mean, this is a man who calmly accepted having a long-term sexual relationship with his rapist and someone he hated because it was less fuss and then didn’t flinch about it because he just told his brain “do it.” Same here - he knew there would be gossip and processed it and so it doesn’t move him. The only time terrible things happening to him shake him is when it’s his first instinctive reaction and he hasn’t processed yet - like during the club or when XX was taken. I think it shows how crucial HY is to him that he has not been able to suppress his internal flinch over leaving HY and keeps suffering. (Side note - the fact that he can cut this cleanly for most things is proof of his will but also, much more tragically, his continuing depersonalization which is a running theme through the novel - he is sure in his brains or his looks, but he views his life and his soul as worthless so how can he get hurt or angry? He has to matter to have a right to anger and worth. UGH)

4. The Hes being quiet and HY not being seen. What IS going on in that house of horror? I am not getting good vibes especially since someone died at the house and yet the gossiping society ladies are oblivious about it so they are hiding that and it cannot be good - if things were normal, the Hes would not hid HJW or one of their kids or whoever died. I am beginning to think the knife car Meatbun promised is because XQC breaks into the house and finds HY in dire straits tho logically I know that is insane and is not the case. (Maybe knife car is because XQC finds out LZS killed his fam? But that seems a little weird for that to inspire him to beg HY to fuck him. If HY is in rough shape tho..hmmm. Too bad I don’t write fanfic or that could be fun!)

5. The dead Wei Rong was a student of QCY?! What is the connection there? I can’t believe QCY is bad but what is going on? I mean, QCY did have friends working on RN13 so he had friends in the org - was he org defector? Just bad choice in friends and students? (Unless Wei Rong the researcher found out how unethical things were, tried to give info to the cops and died for it.) Also, I am becoming more and more sure QCY got murdered by the org - maybe the man who killed him was controlled through obedient water? I mean, there has to be a reason why the village he’s from is the village that had all sorts of suspicious connections to the org. (Side note - I really want to know who the woman giving files to them in the village was.)

6. The author’s note about tank health countdown means the knife car is coming and I cannot wait! Knife car in Yuwu was amazingly knifey and I loved it!

[edie-k]

Greener Pastures (Lavender Brown/Mystery Character, Romione, Hinny, Deamus, PG-13)

Title: Greener Pastures

Pairing: Lavender Brown/Mystery Character, Romione, Hinny, Deamus, Past Lavender/Ron, Past Lavender/Seamus

Rating: PG-13 for language

Summary: At Harry and Ginny's engagement party, Lavender bemoans her single status to a mystery man.

Author's Note: Well, here's an obscure ship for you. Thanks to @adenei for her feedback and kind words!

*************

“I think that proves that for all the complaining I’ve done, Harry, I mean it when I say you are the only one I thought was good enough for my sister,” Ron said from the front of the room, to a chorus of laughter. “So let’s raise a glass to the newly engaged couple!”

From her seat at the bar, Lavender made a face and threw back the remaining contents of her tumblr. Parvati, who was seated next to her, joined the crowd in applauding and cheering Harry and Ginny.

Click below to read more or read at AO3

“That was a nice speech,” commented Parvati.

“Oh, just the best,” muttered Lavender, trying to catch the bartender’s eye.

Parvati shook her head. “I just spotted Adam’s sister. I wanted to ask her about what the expectations are for dress code and stuff at his grandmother’s. All Adam said when I asked him was ‘Whatever’s fine.’ We’re going abroad to meet an entire side of your family I have never met in all the time we’ve been together and you’re telling me whatever is fine.”

“Mmm hmm,” Lavender said, still trying to signal for a drink.

“Are you going to be okay if I-”

“Yes, yes,” said Lavender, sighing. “I’m fine. Sorry if I’m being a drag. Just… that news earlier and then all this… happiness. Go get the dish from Mara so we can go shopping tomorrow.”

Parvati squeezed her friend’s arm before hopping off the stool and wading through the crowd to find Mara. The bartender finally made his way over to her and began to mix her another drink without a word.

At least Adam was out of town on business for the weekend so Lavender didn’t have to third wheel with her best friend and her boyfriend. Because that would have been the only thing more depressing than going to an engagement party with your platonic best friend.

The bartender nudged the glass back to her and she nodded her head in thanks as he made his way back down the bar.

“Is this seat taken?”

Lavender glanced up and met the gaze of a man she’d never seen before.

“Uh, no, be my guest,” she said. “Although be warned that I am shitty company.”

The man chuckled as he sat down on the stool. “I highly doubt that but I’m game to find out.”

Lavender looked at him again. She didn’t recognize him, which was shocking because even though the venue was full, Lavender had thought she would know everyone here. Harry and Ginny were obviously incredibly popular so they had kept tight controls on who was included on the guest list.

The man signaled for the bartender and Lavender took the opportunity to give him a once over. The guy was huge - not in an overweight or bodybuilder type way. He was just tall and solid. Other than her first boyfriend, her preference was tall guys. She was 5”8’ herself and preferred to wear heels when she could so aesthetically, it was nice for her companion to have some height. Nice eyes, cute face. He had dark blond hair and was dressed in a dark blue Muggle button down shirt and black trousers with no robes. Since the war had ended, Muggle style had become popular with the wizards in her age group. Harry, who was raised by Muggles, was always more comfortable in that style of clothing and Ron, who she knew was dressed primarily by Hermione and Hermione’s mum, followed suit. And whatever that little Trio did, everyone else did and for Merlin’s sake, Ron Weasley was now a fucking fashion icon. Lavender took a big swig of her drink.

“It’s a nice party,” said the man. Lavender nodded as the bartender approached. “I’ll have whatever she’s having.”

The bartender made another drink before placing it in front of the man. He went to reach for his pocket when Lavender noticed a look of panic cross his face. Before she could say anything, the bartender waved him away. “Mr. Potter has the tab covered tonight.”

“Well,” he said, his face relaxed again. He turned back to Lavender. “Should we follow Red’s instructions and toast the happy couple?” The two clinked glasses. “It was a nice speech.”

Lavender snorted.

“You disagree?”

“I’d have thought his wife wrote it for him but there was too much swearing for her to have had a hand,” Lavender said. Then she wiped the palms of her hands down her face. “Ugh, ignore me. It actually was a very touching and funny speech. I’m just in an ugly mood and I have a bit of a history with Ron so I’m being mean for no reason.”

“You dated him?” the man guessed. She nodded. “Huh, he said in the speech that he’d loved his wife since he was 13.”

“And I dated him when we were 16 so…”

“Hence the ugliness,” finished the man.

“Hence the ugliness,” Lavender repeated. “I’m over it, really. Hermione and I shared a room for six years and are better friends now than we ever were at school. As for Ron, that was just some stupid school kid bullshit on both our parts. It’s more that I didn’t realize that my only opportunity to find love was going to be at Hogwarts. If I had known that, I’d have made better choices or… maybe taken Arithmancy to secure a better paying job to support my lonely life.”

“What do you mean?” the man asked.

“Everyone I know, they’re married or engaged or about to be engaged to the person that they dated at Hogwarts. Harry and Ginny dated at school, Neville and Hannah somehow started to date during our last year during the war. My best friend Parvati and her boyfriend dated our sixth year at Hogwarts and then he fled with his Muggle family overseas but they started right back up again when he came back to England. See that girl over there, the pregnant one?”

The man nodded.

“That’s Parvati’s sister. That’s her second kid cooking. She’s married to her prefect partner, Anthony. I guess technically, Ron and Hermione didn’t date at Hogwarts but -”

“He’s loved her since he was 13,” the man said amused.

“Yeah. I’m the only one that couldn’t make it out with a relationship intact.” she moaned, taking another drink.

“I’m sure that’s not true.”

Lavender took another long drink and contemplated his statement. “You know what? You’re right. Ginny, she also had a relationship that didn’t work out. Do you see that tall bloke over in the corner that she’s talking to?”

The man glanced in the direction Lavender was referring to. “Uh, yeah.”

“That’s Dean. He was the guy that Ginny dated before Harry. Now, do you see that cute little Irishman standing next to Dean?”

The man nodded.

“That’s Seamus. He was my ex-boyfriend before Ron. And now he’s Dean’s husband. Met in school, by the way.”

“Oh,” said the man, taken aback.

Lavender narrowed her eyes. “Do you have a problem with that? Because despite the fact that Seamus is just one more example of my inability to keep a boyfriend, I will defend those men and their amazing relationship to the death from any bigot that threatens it.”

“No, no!” the man sputtered. “I’m just… I went to an all-boys school and I knew gay guys but they all hid it and I’m just not used to people being open about it. It’s fine - more than fine. Good for them! I mean, hey, they found each other and are leaving more beautiful women for the rest of us, right?”

“Merlin, I wish I could find a beautiful woman,” Lavender moaned, burying her face in her hands. The bartender seemed to take this as a signal that she needed another drink and provided her with a refill.

“Oh, are you… interested in women?” she heard him ask.

“No,” she moaned. “You must think I’m insane.” Lavender put both her hands on the man’s arm that was closest to her. “I promise that I am not hung up on some school romance from five years ago. It’s just that, if you knew Seamus or Ron at Hogwarts… did you know Seamus or Ron at Hogwarts?”

The man shook his head.

“Okay, so if you knew them, you would know that they were both totally immature prats. After I broke up with Seamus, I thought he was the worst boyfriend ever. He was always running off to spend time with his mates, talking about Quidditch, no interest in spending time with me, dumb jokes. But then, then I dated Ron, who was even worse than him. The only thing he wanted to do with me was snog and I think that was some weird power move with Hermione or his sister… who knows. I have to be way more drunk to psychoanalyze Ron Weasley. Anyway, the last month we were together, he didn’t even try to hide the fact that he wanted to ditch me for Hermione but was just too much of a coward. And yet somehow, both of those idiots ended up married before me! And it’s not like they got married to some random person that they knocked up after a one night stand. Ron eloped with his wonderful, talented, brilliant best friend that he was in love with all through school and the entire time we were dating and Seamus… oh for Godric’s sake.”

Lavender paused in her tirade for a moment. “Seamus also married his wonderful, talented, brilliant best friend that he was probably in love with all through school AND the entire time we were dating. How am I just realizing that?” Lavender groaned, banging her head on the bar.

“Can wizards knock up other wizards?” asked the man. Lavender looked up at him and burst into laughter.

“Oh, thank you for that,” she giggled. “I was spiralling.”

“Uh, yeah, no worries,” said the man, shifting in his seat.

“It’s just that this dating stuff is really hard. The wizarding world is so small, you know? I think it’s why everyone locks in with their soulmate at school, ” Lavender commiserated.

“Have you ever considered dating like, outside the wizarding world?” the man asked.

Lavender shook her head. “How could I? It’s tough enough here. After all the Prophet spotlights on battle injuries and such, everyone knows how I got all these awful scars on my face but it still takes a certain type of man to look past them. And I’m sure there are Muggles that aren't shallow about them either but they would ask how I got them. How would I explain them to a Muggle? I can’t just say ‘Oh during a war at my school, a werewolf tried to rip me to shreds. But don’t worry, I’m not a werewolf although I have some side effects from it.’ They’d think I was insane.”

“Uh, yeah, that does sound a bit… daunting,” the man admitted, looking a bit pale.

“I mean, I’m still a catch. I’m funny, I have a great rack, I make excellent scones, and I’m amazing in bed.” At that comment, she heard the man next to her choke a little and she stifled a smile to continue on. “And even if I could get away with not explaining it to a man, once I meet his family, there’s no way. In my experience, mothers are always trying to find a reason to hate the woman that’s dating their special baby boy. I can’t imagine a Muggle mother taking very kindly to a literal witch with werewolf scars.”

“Yes,” sighed the man before giving a little chuckle. “I can certainly see that. And with all of the, you know, war stuff, I can see where you wish you had a school sweetheart.”

Lavender shook her head and drained the rest of her drink. “Seamus and Ron are just easy targets. I really am not hung up on them. This is about Don.”

“Who’s Don?”

“Don is my last boyfriend. We dated exclusively for eight months and he was so fun and thoughtful and generous. But he never said I love you. He kept telling me that he was too young to settle down and, I believed that he thought that. I really did. So we split in December because we wanted different things.”

“Ah,” said the man. “Seems sensible.”

“And then this morning, I see it in The Daily Prophet.”

“See what?”

“His engagement announcement,” she wailed, throwing herself on the bar again and almost upsetting her glass.

The man patted her on the shoulder. “Oh God, I’m sorry.”

“Do you know how long they’ve been dating?” Lavender asked.

“Eight months?” ventured the man.

“FIVE!” Lavender cried.

“Maybe he knocked her up?” suggested the man.

Lavender looked up at him and burst into laughter again. “Merlin, you’re funny. Why am I whinging about all these dolts I’ve surrounded myself with when I should get to know you better?”

“Yeah?” said the man with a grin.

“Yes,” she said. “I mean, if you want-”

“Of course,” he interrupted. “A funny, beautiful woman wants to get to know me better - the answer is always yes. I do need a refill. Do you want one? You’re not driving home, are you?”

Lavender giggled.

The man shook his head and looked embarrassed. “Oh, right, you wouldn’t be driving. You would uh - ”

“You must be a Muggle born. Do- I mean, I’ve heard others say that before. Those habits die hard.”

“Actually,” the man took a deep breath. “I’m a Muggle.”

Lavender’s jaw dropped. “How the fuck does a Muggle get invited to the engagement party of the Chosen One and a pureblood Quidditch player?”

“Well, Harry’s my cousin,” the man said. “My name’s Dudley.”

***************

“Do you see that over there?” asked Hermione, nudging Ron. He turned away from his conversation with Neville and Charlie to see what his wife was gesturing to across the room.

“Is that Dudley Dursley chatting up Lavender?” Ron asked, as his eyes landed on the sight before him.

“It appears to be,” said Hermione. “Merlin, they are really flirting. Should we go over there and say something? A warning or...?”

“Right,” said Ron. “Absolutely we should. Which one of them are we warning?”

[a-duck-with-a-book]

REVIEW // Nevernight (The Nevernight Chronicle, #1) by Jay Kristoff

★☆☆☆☆

So I’m very late to the party, but I just finished reading Nevernight by Jay Kristoff I had such high hopes for this series based off of what people recommending it had told me and what I read about it before picking up. Dark fantasy? Check. Strong leading lady? I’m here for it. Gays? It’s literally my only personality trait. Sign me up. Unfortunately, this book fell flat in all those categories. It reminded me a lot of Sarah J. Maas’s Throne of Glass, which made me take one point off of to begin with simply for making me think of Maas’s writing. Overall, I just found the book to be too predictable, with bad writing, exposition, and pacing, and too many parts that just made me ~uncomfortable~.

In case you are not familiar with this novel, Nevernight tells the story of Mia Corvere, a girl who lost her family when she was a child after her father was convicted of treason. When the book begins, she is 16 years old and embarking on a journey to join the Red Church, a school for assassins, so that she may one day be able to avenge her father’s death. Along the way she meets a bunch of forgettable characters whose names I can’t be bothered to remember and is taught by the most fearsome killers in the Republic. Here she gains many valuable skills, like how to survive being poisoned, how to fight, and how to get big boobs.

+ Side note: by chapter 3 three I started picturing Mia as the crow guy from RWBY and I could not shake that for the rest of the book

I had many issues with this novel that I will try to summarize in some sort of coherent fashion, but to be honest this book sucked the will to live out of me so I don’t know how much energy I can put into this review.

// image: official cover art by Jason Chan //

FOOTNOTES

The footnotes were probably the most jarring element of the book for me, and, unfortunately, there’s a lot of them. Their function seems to be twofold:

they are the form of most of the world-building, explaining several customs, the history of the institutions and peoples Mia meets, and the mythology followed by the people of the Republic.

they allow for the narrator of our story to interrupt with comical one-liners or cryptic foreshadowing

In my humble opinion, both of these are unnecessary and stupid. The interruptions come off as crass and immature and make the other more textbook, boring exposition come off as a joke, especially when it is dealing with sensitive or serious topics. There is one that explains this brothel called the Seven Flavors, which the footnote explains refer to “Boy, Girl, Man, Woman, Pig, Horse, and, if sufficient notice and coin was given, Corpse.” Now, on its own, this passing mention of pedophilia, bestiality, and necrophilia could very well contribute to the world building and tone of the novel, but when placed side by side with the childish, joking tone of the “cue the violiiiiiiiins” or, regarding the acoustics of a room, “…they were, as it happens, exceptional. Falalalalalalaaaaaaaa”, come off as way too light-hearted for the topic at hand. Maybe I’m being way too sensitive, but I’m pretty tired of authors using serious topics as off-hand remarks as a lazy way to make their world daker and grittier. Plus, these footnotes were just so incredibly cringy that I would recoil from second-hand embarrassment every time. They resemble the things I wrote when I was 14 and trying (and miserably failing) to be funny. Also… there are way too many of them. While at first I appreciated the attempt to deepen the lore of the story (I’m a sucker for world-building), after a while it became evident that the author was just forcing information down our throats without taking the time to actually weave the lore and background into the story itself. It came off as a very lazy way to force exposition.

OVERLY FLOWERY LANGUAGE

This story is BRIMMING with similes and metaphors, like every other sentence is some overly complicated way to describe something that could have been presented in three words. When you include so many metaphors/similes/etc., they begin to lose power. They should allow the reader to extrapolate more meaning and emotion from a sentence, but if the book is bursting at the seams with them, they become increasingly ordinary, to the point of losing all of their luster. One prime example appears on page 30:

“It was a bucktoothed little shithole, and no mistake. Not the most miserable building in all creation. [here there is a footnote about some other inn/brothel] But if the inn were a man and you stumbled into him in a bar, you’d be forgiven for assuming he had—after agreeing enthusiastically to his wife’s request to bring another woman into their marriage bed—discovered his bride making up a pallet for him in the guest room.”

So first of all what the fuck is that supposed to mean? That whole paragraph is a fever dream. Let’s begin with “bucktoothed little shithole”. Bucktoothed? Really? What does that mean. Please, someone explain to be right now what a bucktoothed building is. Is it uneven? Is it awkward? Is it half-finished? Is one side longer than the other? Did they do a bad paint job that only covers on side? Are the windows askew? Is the door too big for its frame? We already know from the paragraph above that it is “disheveled” as well, so why the need for another weird phrasing of its appearance? We then move on to that whole JOURNEY of a sentence, where the inn is compared to a man being cuckolded. That is the most insane tale-can you imagine running into someone in a bar and that story being the VERY FIRST thing that runs through your mind??? I know I’m focusing way too much on this stupid paragraph, but basically what I am trying to get at is that even though we spend half a page talking about how bucktoothed and disheveled and cuckolded this building is, we get no actual physical description of it. Imagine if Kristoff had just written that it was a run-down, ill-kept building that looked as worse for wear as its owner did. Done, one sentence. Great. Let’s move on. Instead, we spend so long reading these absolutely batshit descriptions that ultimately tell us next to nothing. Flowery language is placed over actual context. You may think that a description this long and complex means that this inn is a significant or recurring setting in the novel. Nope. It’s not. Mia leaves and that’s that. The reason that I’m focusing so much on this objectively irrelevant paragraph is because it is so representative of the biggest issue I have with the writing in this book. There are so many unnecessary comparisons that function only to make the author feel clever rather than add anything to the story at all. It’s very à la 2010s Tumblr.

THE (IN MY OPINION, BAD) WRITING

For the first half of the book, we are constantly being TOLD things rather than being SHOWN things. With the exception of one of the teachers cutting off Mia’s arm, we rarely see the ruthlessness that the assassins are so feared for, but we hear about it in nearly every other sentence Where are the consequences? I think this book would have been way more enjoyable if there were actually consequences to the characters’ actions. The inclusion of the weaver and the weird vampire guy completely remove any tension regarding the fate of the central cast. When Mia had her arm chopped off, I was shocked, and pleasantly surprised. How was she going to overcome this unexpected obstacle in her training? Then a couple pages later, its reattached with absolutely no lasting consequences. All of the initial tension and shock value of the loss of Mia’s arm is entirely removed because of the two incest-y siblings. Their entire purpose for existing is just to undo all damage to the main characters. Then suddenly, out of the blue, Mia is willing to take on a ton of consequences and completely throw away her chance at becoming initiated in order to avenge her family just to save Tric from receiving like one punishment??? Like why?? As an aside, the only moment I truly enjoyed was when Ash fucking stabbed Tric to death. I assume that when the reader’s favorite moment is one of the central characters’ death, it does not bode well for their reception of the book.

THE THEMES

TW: rape-y subjects

The author seemed a little too keen to include rape and sexual assault in his story. Mia withdrew her consent in the sex scene in the very first chapter, and even if you read it as consensual (which I do not), it is described as incredibly unpleasant on her end. Tric is the result of a rape, which is brought up several times throughout the story. Further, Mia is constantly facing harassment from men. I understand that this is frames the idea that the world she lives in is misogynistic and ruthless, but there are other ways to push that idea through other than constantly putting in her in those situations. As in, this didn’t need to be the ONLY way we explored this subject. Beyond the uncomfortable propensity for sexual assault, I also very much disliked the sexualization of the 16-year-old main character. Oh. My. Gosh. Mia is CONSTANTLY sexualized. Every single damn character makes comments about her body, how hot she is, how much sex she potentially has. It is so weird and uncomfortable. I feel the need to reiterate that she is SIXTEEN. There is, however, a focus placed on the power Mia can gain from seducing her targets. Girl power? Not to me, really. The issue I have with this is the idea that a woman has to be overtly sexual in order to be considered powerful. This is something that we can see in many female assassins and supposedly powerful female characters in fiction (like Black Widow) especially those written by men. Now, there is nothing wrong with using one’s sexuality as a weapon, and I’m certainly not saying that a strong female character cannot be sexual, but the idea that a sixteen-year-old girl is shown having her body painfully modified tp be more desirable, and in a graphic sex scene with another character, in order to for the reader to read her as liberated and powerful does not sit well with me. I don’t really feel like this aspect of her training should be relevant to the overall story. I wish the time that Kristoff had dedicated to hammering into our heads that Mia is a femme fatale to developing her Darkin powers instead. The way she is written now feels more like she is a faux strong female character written for a male audience.

Secondly, Mia is fully written as “the plain-girl-who-is-actually-pretty”. This whole trope bothers me IMMENSELY. YA is full of girls who are described as plain, forgettable, or ugly while their physical descriptions are just the dictionary definition of conventionally attractive. It seems like a way to market off of girls’ self-consciousness while still being able to market the main character as a hot heroine in official art. And there is, of course, the issue of Mia’s boob job Readwithcindy (just “withcindy” now!) did a whole video about this so I won’t get into it much just to repeat what she already said, but I agree that the idea of a 30-something year old man including this completely unnecessary detail regarding the sexualization of teenage girl, who we have ALREADY seen in a rape and being sexualized by other men in the story, made me really, really, uncomfortable. I highly recommend you go watch her video, as she touches on this in way more detail. [Cindy's video

RATINGS

Worldbuilding: ★★☆☆☆

A lot of thought obviously went into the world-the mythology, society, and politics are well-thought out. But the way they are introduced is annoying and bland. It seems like the author put a lot of effort into constructing this world but realized a lot of it would be left out of the book, so he crammed it into footnotes instead.

Tone and writing style: ★☆☆☆☆ for first half, ★★★☆☆ for second half

The tone of the first half is all over the place, like it doesn’t know if it should be dark and gritty or comical and immature. Footnotes and character dialogue ranges from lighthearted and crass to seeped with themes of torture and sexual assault. It is jarring, to say the least, and often feels like the author doesn’t take these ideas of rape or violence seriously. There are so many instances where the scene is tense or gritty, and Kristoff is actually writing it pretty well, I’m enthralled and on the edge of my seat, and then Mia or some other character (or the footnotes) throw in some stupid comment or make the same “Mia is such an asshole lol” joke for the billionth time and completely ruin the mood of that scene. The second half of the book moved much faster and was helped with way better writing, but it really did not do enough to make up for the horrendous structure of the first half of the book.

Pacing and structure: ★☆☆☆☆

The first half of the book really drags on. Once we arrive at the school, there are constant jumps in timeline, marked with periods when a thousand things happen all at once and the plot moves forward at a dizzying rate, and others when the characters just seem to be going about their daily lessons.

Concept: ★★★☆☆

I found the overall idea of the books to be very interesting, even though it is certainly not the most original or unique concept for a YA fantasy book. The issue is that the potential is squandered with a poor execution.

Characters: ★☆☆☆☆

I truly did not care about any of the characters. The token mean girl, the bumbling nice-guy-who-is-definitely-the-love-interest. too many of the characters just sat nicely within their tropes, doing nothing much to pique my interests. I think my favorite overall was Mister Kindly.

[awesomelyanxiouspanda]

I'm a Murderer, Not a Monster (Billy Loomis/OFC/Stu Macher) Part 1

This is a repost since I deleted my old Tumblr!

Summary: 

In this AU, Stu and Billy were never caught or killed. Their plan went off without a hitch, and once it was done, they hung up their knives. On the anniversary of Sidney’s death, they were forced to murder again to protect their cover; Tie up loose ends and save themselves from death row for good. Only problem is that the murders were spur of the moment and they have no alibi. On the fly, they choose a house at random and hope for the best. Which leads us up to now!

Author’s notes:

-I had a dream and it inspired this little thing. In this AU, Stu and Billy were never caught or killed. Their plan went off without a hitch, and once it was done, they hung up their knives. On the anniversary of Sidney’s death, they were forced to murder again to protect their cover; Tie up loose ends and save themselves from death row for good. Only problem is that the murders were spur of the moment and they have no alibi. On the fly, they choose a house at random and hope for the best. Which leads us up to now!

-AU takes place in a weird time convergence. Basically the timeline is made up and the worlds don’t matter.

-I’m a fool for bad boys who are soft just for a few specific people, so Billy and Stu will be a bit OOC here. If that’s not your cup of tea, this is your warning.

-Relevant facts: Billy and Stu are both 19-20ish now. Ginger the OFC is 24 and Poppy is 6.

-Ginger’s appearance is rather general but she is short and chubby because there is not enough plus-size character love in fics.

-I had to split this into two parts. This one is SFW, just cursing and mentions of murder. Part two will be NSFW smut!

~“I’m a murderer, not a monster. I don’t kill kids, and what life would a kid have without their mom, hmm?”~

Billy’s words played over and over in my head while I stood, trembling, at the kitchen counter with my hot coffee mug in hand as I sipped at the sweet caffeine for support. I had to put on a strong front. I know he said he wouldn’t kill us but that wasn’t very comforting when there were two serial killers sitting at the table with my daughter; All three eating pancakes like there wasn’t a care in the world.

“Thanks mama. I’m gonna go brush my teeth for school,” Poppy said, pushing out her chair as she collected her plate.

“Alright sweetie. Don’t forget to wash your face after,” I called to her.

She nodded in agreement as she trotted off, ponytail swinging joyfully behind her.

With her bountiful energy out of the room, I let my shoulders sag and swallowed hard. Fear and uncertainty were tearing up my stomach and making it hard to breathe.

“You can relax, doll. We’re not going to hurt you, and especially not her,” Stu commented, shoving the last bite of his pancakes in his mouth, “We’re not that kind of people.”

I cringed slightly at the way he spoke with his mouth full and gaping, but didn’t dare comment on it. Who would correct a murderer on his table manners?

“I know you said that but it’s just…. I’m terrified honestly. I don’t trust anyone in my home, around my kid, other than family and now there are two strange men staying here,” I explained quietly, keeping my tone as docile as possible.

Billy rose silently from his chair and immediately I tensed up as his dark eyes landed on me. He wasn’t insanely tall like his partner but he was beyond intimidating as he marched over and stood only a few inches from me. Even though he was shorter, he still towered over me and my five foot frame. It suddenly felt like there was a lump in my throat that I just couldn’t swallow past.

“We won’t be in your hair longer than we have to be. As long as you keep your end of the deal, everything will go smoothly. You have my word that we wouldn’t touch a hair on that kids’ head no matter what, but if you were to try to start some shit-”

“I would never!” I cut him off immediately, heart racing and pounding hard at the threat, “Self preservation is my strongest suit next to doing anything to protect her.”

“Good, then he’s right. You can relax. You have nothing to worry about,” Billy finished with a nod.

A little grin came to his face and he raised his hand. Instinctively I flinched but somehow managed not to jerk away entirely. He patted my cheek gently with a little click of his tongue before going back to the table.

“Say, Ginger, you got any scary movies here?” Stu chimed in.

…

A week had come and gone, and then a second until more than a month had gone by. After almost two months of Stu and Billy hanging out off and on in my home, it was as if they weren’t even that infamous killer I’d heard so much about on the news. If I hadn’t woken up to the two of them over my bed in the Ghostface masks with blood soaked cloaks and knives, I might have never believed that they were. They were both so… normal. Although Billy obviously had some brooding and anger issues, he seemed to just be a regular, albeit gorgeous, guy with a chip on his shoulder; And Stu was absolutely adorable, funny, kind, and endearing. Together they made a hilarious duo; Billy’s dry humor and sarcasm pairing perfectly with Stu’s overzealous comedy. I was starting to LIKE having them there; it was a scary though.

They were both also surprisingly respectful of our home, of Poppy and my general distrust of men around her; Ensuring they were never in another room alone with her, even if it was just the kitchen or living room. I appreciated their tact. It was becoming easier to make myself almost believe the cover story they had come up with about us meeting in a bar and them passing out in my house on the night of the murders.

I was still in wonder of just how they had ended up here though. We were about an hour away from Woodsboro and in a decent but not extravagant area. Why us? Why this house?

“What’s wrong, doll? You look down?”

My cheeks heated under the pet name and I quickly tried to push away the butterflies it gave me when mixed with the curious look on Stu’s face. There was no way I could begin to acknowledge my stupid little crush on him without it making me feel weird. Although I’d started to feel friendship or possibly more toward them, there’s was nothing to say that they were doing more than keeping up the pretenses of our deal and ensuring I wouldn’t rat them out. Not to mention, my self-esteem told me that two men who were so beautiful would never be interested in a woman of my size and appearance, much less since I was almost four years older than them.

“No, not down, just thinking,” I explained, passing the popcorn bowl over to him.

He cocked his head to the side in obvious curiosity while he swiped some popcorn from the bowl.

“About?” Billy asked from the recliner across the room.

I shrugged but chose to be honest. I’d learned honesty was certainly the best policy with them.

“Why you came to this town when your hometown is an hour away. Why you chose this place of all places.”

Apparently that threw them both for a loop, Stu’s eyes darting to Billy while the other let mild-surprise run across his face.

“Well, I guess it was just fate. I’m pretty sure anyone else would have fought us by now and we’d have had to kill them. Which would have screwed up the whole plan, of course,” Billy vaguely explained.

I felt my curiosity pique at the mention of a plan and I hesitantly asked, “What is your long term plan?”

“A fresh start. Get away from all that shit that started this whole thing and try to do more with our lives,” Billy replied, eyes drifting back to the movie on the TV.

“It wasn’t like we planned on killing forever. Hell, we made it out for a whole fucking year before someone jeopardized our freedom,” Stu added in, “Had to do what needed to be done to keep people looking away from us though.”

He was obviously waiting for some kind of reply but I wasn’t sure what to say. Instead I gave him a shrug as I mulled over my thoughts.

“I can’t say I agree with, or understand, killing anyone to begin with, obviously, but I wasn’t in your situation either. That said, I CAN understand wanting a fresh start. That’s why Poppy and I moved here too; Away from a past life I no longer wanted a part of,” I responded after a while.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Billy asked.

I hesitantly met his powerful gaze before admitting, “I had to leave our old home for our safety. Let’s just say, there are worse things a person can do than end a life.”

The intensity in the room went up a level and I could almost feel both of them staring at my burning face, but I had already let out more than I wanted to. In this place, in my new world, no one knew of our past. They knew I was a single mom to a happy little girl, and that’s how I wanted to keep it. People’s opinions tended to change when they knew your dirty little secrets.

“Mama, are we still watching Rugrats tonight?” Poppy asked.

Her sudden appearance from the bedroom made me jolt and yelp in surprise. She grinned and stuck her tongue out at me, before clutching her tummy and letting out rolls of deep belly laughter.

“I scared you! I scared you! You scare so easy mommy!”

With a slight eyeroll of embarrassment, I waved away her hysterics before gesturing her over.

“Don’t make fun of me, butthead,” I teased, then added, “But yeah, as soon as Stu and Billy head out we’ll put on Rugrats.”

“Sounds like it’s time to skeedaddle, scoob,” Stu commented in a silly voice, “Gotta let the little princess get her movies in.”

Poppy grinned and nodded.

“Don’t forget, you promised to come back soon and play candyland with us,” Poppy reminded the two before climbing up onto the couch next to me.

“Yeah, yeah, pipsqueak,” Billy commented, unable to hide a little grin before he rose to his feet, “We’ll stop by again soon.”

I got up from the couch and walked them to the door out of habit, waiting until they were down the sidewalk before I shut and locked it.

“Okay, let the Rugrats extravaganza begin!” I cheered, scurrying back to the couch.

Poppy giggled and burrowed against my side eagerly as I flipped the TV over to the correct setting and pushed play. The familiar theme song blared from the TV speakers as the movie started and I settled back on the cushions more. Some parents wouldn’t admit it but I still enjoyed cartoons as much as I had when I was a kid. It was a nice bonding experience too, watching some of the shows I grew up on!

…

As the credits rolled, I shifted slightly and slowly lowered Poppy to the couch. She had fallen asleep about halfway through, as I had expected, but I wanted to finish up the movie anyway; It was one of my favorites!

Patting her shoulder gently, I set about picking up the remnants from the evening visit. Popcorn bowl, kernels, soda cans, and the like all barely fit into my arms so I rushed into the kitchen quickly as not to drop anything and let it down on the counter, sorting rubbish from dishes.

I had just got the sink water started to wash the dinner dishes when there was a loud crash from the garage.

“What the fuck?” I muttered.

I cut the water and dried my hands before shuffling closer to the garage door. Once I was almost a foot away, I heard hushed hisses and curses.

“Oh my god!”

As fast as I could, I flipped the deadbolt and door lock, only to be greeted to the sound of something slamming against the door.

“Oooohhhh ladies! I know you’re in theeerrreee,” a male voice sung teasingly, “Just wait ‘til I get you, you fucking bitch!”

Another slam against the door had me finally moving, eyes watering and chest burning as I held in a panicked scream. Without words I snagged Poppy and my phone up from the couch and sped into my room.

“Mommy?” Poppy groaned sleepily.

“Shh baby. I need you to stay as quiet as possible. Someone’s here. Hide in the nightstand.”

Her eyes instantly cleared up as fear marred her features. There was a sense of wisdom in her movements as she calmly and quietly crawled into the lower part of the bedside table, the cubby hole just barely large enough for her small frame. I turned it so the open side faced the wall and breathed out a sigh of relief. You couldn’t tell it wasn’t meant to be that way, nor that there was an opening on the other side. As long as she was still and silent, he’d most likely never find her.

“Whatever you do, don’t come out or speak unless I tell you to. No matter what. I love you.”

With Poppy tended to, I brought up my cell phone and dialed 911.

“This is 911. What is your emergency?”

“My name is Ginger Wallace. I live on 304 Cedar Knoll. Someone just broke into my house and threatened to kill me and my daughter,” I rushed out, hoping my words were clear enough for the operator.

“You said 304 Cedar Knoll, ma’am?” the woman asked.

“Yes, please, hurry and send someone,” I hissed.

Something slammed into the bedroom door and I jumped back with a scream as the pressed wood flexed under the impact. Hands shaking and heart pounding, I ran over to my desk and looked for anything I could use as a weapon. Another wall-shuddering thud hit the door right before the man spoke again.

“They’ll be too late, bitch. They always are. You wanna know all the things I’m gonna do you to before they get here? And to that little bitch too?!”

At those words, my blood ran cold.

“What’s taking so long?” I spit into the phone when I didn’t hear anything other than keys clacking.

“Okay ma’am, I was able to send out your location. An officer is on the way. Are you in a safe place away from the intruder?” she asked.

“Yes? No? I don’t fucking know. There’s a door between us.”

“Okay, I need you to stay on the line with me. An officer should be there about in twenty minutes.”

The door bowed under the pressure of what sounded like the intruder’s entire body being thrown against it and I felt my strength begin to drain, my knees going weak as I back up and leaned against the wall.

“Twenty minutes?!”

That was too long. Way too fucking long. Without much thought, I hung up the phone and dialed the first number I could think of. The intruders cursing was barely registering in my mind as I prayed for my only hope to answer. They had been renting out a place not too far away and with luck they’d still be awake, and thus the closest help.

“Ginger? It’s late, doll. What’s up?” Stu asked through the phone.

Another slam and cracking wood filled the air, along with a cackle that made me shudder.

“There’s someone in our house,” I whimpered, sliding down to sit on the floor as I felt panic set in hard, “He’s threatening to- to kill us. Are you guys able to-?”

“What?! Fuck, yeah. We’re on the way!”

I whispered a quiet thank you and tried to listen as he rambled something about being at the liquor store, but my attention remained on the crack slowly spreading down the door. I had to do something, but what?

“Hey! Ginger! Listen to me, sweetheart. Are you in a seperate room from him?”

Billy’s calming voice came through the haze like a beacon, and I quickly answered him that we were in my bedroom.

“Okay, good. I want you to barricade the door with whatever you have. Dressers, bed, whatever. Just keep him out until we get there. We’re less thab ten minutes away.”

I nodded, then realized with a frustrated sigh that he couldn’t hear that.

“Okay,” I finally murmured.

Climbing to my feet, I managed to pin the phone between my shoulder and ear and push the dresser at the same time. It wasn’t super heavy, but it was something. Next I maneuvered my vanity over. I barely had released it when the man slammed into the door again with a frustrated growl, tearing a startled scream from me as I stumbled back onto the floor.

“Do you have a weapon?” Billy asked suddenly.

“No,” I whispered.

“Is Poppy safe?” came the next question.

“Yes. He won’t be able to find her now,” I replied lowly.

“Okay, okay good. That’s good. We’re almost there.”

I heard a car horn honk from his side of the line and Stu swearing frantically, but then I stopped listening as recognition washed over me. The intruder was quiet, had been for a good minute or two.

As if my thoughts provoked his actions, suddenly the door was rammed again. The crack splintered farther down and I could swear there was light peeking through now.

“If you open up now, I promise to make the brat only watch! Hmm? How does that sound? Would you open up to save her?”

The guy sounded winded or hurt or something, but his threat was still bone-chilling nonetheless. I knew I stood no real chance against him weaponless. A terrified whine escaped before I could stop it and I felt my stomach lurch in disgust.

“We’re here! Right outside, Ginger. Don’t come out, okay?” Billy snapped sharply.

“O-Okay,” I whispered.

A door slammed in the other room and I heard the intruder let out a cry of shock before all three men were yelling. I couldn’t help but hide my head in my arms, unable to stand the sensory overload of the screaming onto top of all the other shit going through my mind. When a cry of pain sounded, my heart nearly stopped. I jumped to my feet when Stu yelled out for Billy, and nearly tore the furniture from the door to investigate the cause, but then came a loud thud; like a body hitting the floor.

I couldn’t make out what was being said at first, but then I heard my name.

“We got him! It’s okay now.”

With a strength I didn’t know I possessed, I shoved away the dresser and vanity as fast as possible and tore the door open, just to be greeted with the sight of Billy and Stu holding down a large man. A glint in the dark drew my attention to the blade at his throat, but my attention was quickly moved to the blood dripping from Billy’s nose.

Fuck. He’d gotten hurt trying to help me. A wave of guilt crashed over me, calmed only slightly when he spoke up.

“I should gut you here and now, you fuckwad,” Billy growled, “Slice you open and let you watch your intestines bleed out like a butchered pig.”

“Yeah! Teach you a lesson about messing with what isn’t yours!” Stu hissed, a terrifying look of glee on his bright eyes.

“No! Don’t kill him! No killing please.”

My shouts echoed across the room, over the man’s pained cries and the heavy grunts of Stu and Billy, and thankfully they both seemed to listen. On shaking legs, I slowly made my way over to them. The assailant was still stupidly struggling under the guys, but they gave him no quarter.

“Let’s do this the right way, okay? Remember, new start,” I whispered, carefully reaching out.

Billy tilted his head back, obviously weighing the options, before be nodded once. I couldn’t help but cringe as the blood dribbled down from his nose.

Damn that asshole for causing all of this mayhem!

“New start,” Billy agreed finally.

Hesitantly I rested a hand on their backs in a grateful manner, to which Stu surprisingly seemed to relish in.

I let out a yelp of fear as Billy reached out and suddenly slammed the man’s face into the floor, effectively knocking him out and silencing him immediately. Stu let out a snort then leaned lightly against my leg, his weight and warmth a welcome support in return, as Billy tied the man’s hands behind his back.

I let out a sigh of relief as we finally heard sirens approaching.

“Where’s Poppy?” Stu demanded suddenly, rising to his feet with an expression kin to fear on his face.

Billy swore harshly and growled out, “Did he hurt her before?!”

“No, no, she’s okay,” I reassured him quickly, “We hid before he got to us.”

Both men went limp in obvious relief as I called for her to come out. I heard nightstand scrape on the ground before she rushed out, barreling straight into my legs. I wasted no time hugging her back. After a few moments, she threw herself at the Stu. He brought her up in a bear hug, tossing a questioning look in my direction, to which I could only shrug. Why would I deny her comfort after what we’d just experienced? She clung to him like her life depended on it.

“We’re safe now, baby,” I murmured to her, reaching out and rubbing her back.

Her curls bobbed as she nodded in understanding. As she began to pull back, she instantly reached out for Billy, who was much more hesitant about holding her.

“Thank you. Thank you for saving us,” Poppy muttered into his shoulder.

“Of course,” was all he said eyes wide and glued to mine.

It was painfully obvious that he felt awkward and unsure of the familial affection, and I wanted to help somehow but wasn’t sure how. Stu shifted closer and wordlessly wrapped an arm around my shoulder, copying the motion on Billy, drawing us in. Poppy let out a little hiccup and a weak whimper as she fit snugly between the three of us. Feeling less awkward and even more grateful to them, I let my guard down and gave into my baser emotions; the dam breaking with the first tears that slipped out.

“Oh doll,” Stu muttered, squeezing me tighter when a little sniffle escaped my hold.

Eyes burning and chest aching with so many hectic emotions, I wrapped an arm around both their waists and held them tight; soaking up the feeling of complete and utter safety. As I rested my face against Stu’s chest, the tears flowed freely.

“You’re okay now,” Billy added after a few moments, “We’re not gonna let anyone hurt you.”

The sincerity in his tone took some of the ache away. I carefully drew from Stu and turned to face Billy, letting a frown curve at my lips.

“But you got hurt,” I murmured.

He looked surprised for a second before simply shrugging.

“This is nothing. I’d take worse if it’s what I had to do to make sure you guys weren’t hurt,” he replied.

Blushing, I swallowed hard and tentatively reached out, taking the hand that wasn’t holding up Poppy.

“Thank you. Let me go get a napkin and some ice for your nose.”

[hot-mess-choices]

Fixing The Nanny Affair

I’ve had it with this book. I’m not against “naughty” romance novels, but please do them right. I beg you. 

This stuff has been in my brain for a while now so this will be long and messy. 

First up: this isn’t a single LI book anymore. That’s a train wreck of a concept for an app that’s basically an overpriced choose-your-own-adventure book. 

 Who would the LIs be?

Starting with the obvious: Sam, who will remain gender customisable as the “main LI” 

Next is Robin (duh) I’m on the fence regarding their gender but I’d stick with the “whatever gender Sam is” thing. 

Then I’d suggest two entirely new characters:

First addition: An intern at Dalton Enterprise (how this is relevant will follow later on), I’d prefer this character to be female (definitely not to make an all wlw book possible *cough*) but a male intern would also be okay I guess. (Alternatively whichever gender is opposite of the MC)

And 2. *drumroll please* Sam’s wife who’s not dead at all in this new and improved version. ‘Cause that’s how you write about an actual affair Pixleberry, you cowards! I’m so sick of authors using the dead spouse trope without doing anything with it. She deserves to be in this story. However she’d be a “surprise” late entry as it’s important to the story to build tensions. 

Who’s the MC

The MC, gender customisable of course, is still a recent graduate with a degree in chemistry and a passion for science. They do not, however, go to Dalton Enterprise to get a Job as a Nanny, no, they are on their way to interview for an illustrious internship! 

The Story

The story starts of the same. MC has a sexy dream about their (hopefully) new boss, however you get dialogue options to feel very weirded out by that. Not only is that your future boss, they are also happily married as the gossip magazine you browsed the night before suggests. Sam and their wife are a business power couple (think the Beckhams or BrAngelina rip) and get an insane amount of media coverage. 

It comes to MCs attention that they’ve overslept and rush to Dalton Enterprise. A receptionist tell them that they are too late and the position is already taken. Enter Sam and Intern LI who worships the ground Sam walks on and thanks them profoundly for this once in a lifetime opportunity. Sam notices MC and asks if they are the no show, Intern LI takes a light jab at their tardiness; you get the option to flirt with them. (Intern LI is basically something like Jaylen from Platinum or Aurora from OH, but done right and a LI. Rivals to lovers? We love to see it!) Sam asks if MC is still interested in an interview because they might have a position in mind for them. 

The interview is beyond weird with Sam asking for the MC’s thoughts on children, about their living situation etc. Eventually you get to call them out on that and they confess that they only have company funds for one intern and even though the MCs application was a standout and their personal favourite, they can’t hire them. That’s where they propose a compromise: MC becomes their Nanny, as they are in need of one due to recent changes in their personal life, and they get to pay them out of their own pocket. The MC gets the opportunity to work at Dalton Enterprise on the days she doesn’t have to watch the kids.

As you accept you wonder why that is, but don’t dare to question them further as you don’t want to seem ungrateful. That night you come by the apartment to meet the boys, who in this version are a bit more weary of you, but you bond over a chemistry experiment. After they are put to bed you get to the office scene with Sam. You ask when you’ll meet their wife and that’s where you find out what’s really going on here. Sam and their wife are having troubles, severe enough that she packed up and moved out a few months ago. They are trying to work things out but it looks bad. Not only is their personal life affected by this, their relationship is a huge part of their respective public image and even just saying the word divorce out loud makes them see Dalton’s numbers drop into the red. They still keep up appearances, stayed on good terms for the twins but this is just a partnership of convenience by this point and secretly they’re both sick of it. They got married straight out of college, had the twins by their mid-twenties and are approaching their tenth wedding anniversary, the spark’s gone and they crave something new and exciting but are too scared to move on from the known. 

Character Arcs

1. Sam: They are a huge science nerd at heart, they never held big business ambitions and are mostly in it to help improve people’s quality of life. If it were up to them they’d slave away in a lab, happily isolated from the stress of public relations. Years of training went into their suave persona, but deep down they are still an insecure dork. Sam is struggling to adapt to the changes in their life and can’t bring themselves to take that leap of faith and start a new chapter. Their arc would include cutting back at work and focusing on the things they’re passionate about like lab work and spending more time with the twins. With a romanced MC their story would be loaded with tensions of Sam clinging to the past. MC feels like the unfavourable side-piece as long as Sam keeps the facade of their marriage up and the constant threat of their relationship becoming public lingers over everything. In addition there’s the question of Sam’s true motives. Is this just a convenient rebound or more? 

2. The Twins: Mason and Mickey have a hard time dealing with their parents’ separation. Their pranks are more channelled into “parent trapping” them into getting back together. They don’t really understand their parents separation of public and private life and are mostly confused by how hot and cold they are with each other. After their initial scepticism towards MC they see them as a confidant with their problems. MC gets to champion for the twins needs and force Sam and their wife to see how much their behaviour is hurting their kids.

3. Robin: Robin’s been living in Sam’s shadow for all their life and they are so sick of it. Everything they have feels like a constant fight, every snippet of appreciation or recognition is earned through blood, sweat and tears and still not good enough to measure up to their older sibling. They built this careful ‘I don’t care’ façade and have kept it up for all their life. That is until they meet MC. They bond pretty quickly over their struggles to reach unreachable expectations and find a close confidante in one another. Depending on the players choices this will be a friendship or a romance. As Sam’s arc comes to a close with them cutting back at work Robin finally gets to step up and do what they always wanted. They are quick-witted, extroverted, business savvy and well connected. Unrecognised by their father they’ve been the better candidate for the position Sam was in all along.

4. Intern LI: From the get go they aren’t a big fan of the MC. In their eyes, they’ve worked for all the life to get where they are now and feel like the MC was just handed their position. MC and Intern are aware that they are basically two people working a one-person job and are both trying to be the best at it. You get the option to play into this rivalry or make it a team effort. Getting closer you find out that your background isn’t so different after all and that it’s silly to try and hold the other one back. Their love language is still very teasing and snippy but never without an affectionate smile and rare but genuine compliments will come later in the friendship/relationship. A big setback is when they find out that you are living with Sam and they far that that’s an inevitable unfair advantage for you, which it is, but they learn to trust their abilities more than others connections.

5. Sam’s Wife: You’ll first meet her maybe five or six chapters in. Up until then she’s build up to be this perfect, idealised, flawless being. She’s supposedly fearless, fought to be in the position she’s in now, a self-made woman who turns everything she touches into pure gold. As you meet her you are more than intimidated but she’s just pleasant to be around! A ray of sunshine, positive to the bone. You get the option to ask about her and Sam and she sadly has to admit that sometimes people just fall out of love. She tells MC that she needs Sam to move on, so she can move on and nudges them into their direction. Her romance heavily focuses on her fear of leaving Sam behind in her progress but she can’t help her feeling. Her arc in general focuses on recognising Sam and herself as individuals and not two parts of a whole.

This is crazy long already, but just some major events the story would cover:

A company picnic

The ten-year wedding anniversary

A Dalton Enterprise charity gala

Telling Sam’s parents about their future

Insides on the work at Dalton

Time with the twins

 Sorry for the long post, thanks for reading this far!

[noonachronicles]

Just One More Time

Yoo Kihyun x Reader (ft. Park Jinyoung)

Word Count: 5.1k

Genre: Angst (Supposedly), Fluff (?)

Warning: Two curse words. Steamy kiss. 

Authors Note: For @prettywordsyouleft​! Thanks for the request Chelle! 

#13 - You did a wonderful job convincing people that you love me, I almost fell for it.

“Are you ready?” Kihyun asked taking a quick look at himself in the rearview mirror. He adjusted a single piece of hair and straightened his tie.

“Are you?” you asked, watching him with mild amusement. “This is your deal not mine.”

“I think I am. Do I look okay?” he asked nervously, “Is the tie too much?”

“The tie is fine.” you grinned, “You look very handsome, Ki. I am honored to be your pretend girlfriend. You’re definitely getting pretend laid tonight.”

In a rare moment of suspended anxiety he let out a laugh.

“Thank you again.” He said and looked over at you, “I really appreciate you doing this. I know I’ve been insane. I know I’ll be crazy for the next several hours. So I want you to know how grateful I am and, you know, please just stick with me.”

“Oh. I’ll stick with you,” you nodded, “because after this...you’re gonna owe me. Big.”

-

It had been a pretty uneventful Friday night in for you. You’d ordered a pizza and settled onto the couch with a glass of red wine, and eight more episodes of the drama you’d been watching. Four episodes in the main characters were possibly about to kiss for the first time, and you’d just put on your peel off face mask.

Then there was a knock on the door. Your forehead would have creased in confusion but the face mask had gotten pretty tight already. It was past midnight and you definitely weren’t expecting anyone.

Another knock came and you got up from the couch, cautiously making your way to the door. You tried to peek through the window unnoticed when the third knock came and you let out a loud terrified shriek.

“Y/n?” came a voice through the door.

“Kihyun?” You quickly unlocked the door and pulled it open.

Yoo Kihyun was your neighbor. You didn’t know all that much about him, despite having been neighbors for nearly five years. You knew he had a nice smile. It seemed from his lack of past due notices that he paid his bills on time. And from what you could tell from the way he always smelled nice, he showered regularly. All of these things you had gathered from the brief interactions you’d shared with him at the mailbox.

You remembered he’d had a girlfriend when he first moved in but she was gone after a few months. And about a year ago he’d started seeing someone else pretty regularly from what you could tell though she hadn’t been around for awhile either. He had a core group of friends that came over every other friday, though you weren’t sure what for. As far as things people knew about their neighbors, you didn’t think what you knew was anything too crazy or stalkerish.

A couple weeks earlier you’d found a piece of his mail in with yours. Clearly it had gotten stuck to the coupon mailer in your stack, it wasn’t that big of a deal. Before you could decide if you should just go shove it in his box and be done with it or go to his door and hand deliver it, he showed up at your door. He’d gotten one of your envelopes in with his own mail and was delivering it to you.

At the time you’d assumed that was that. Your one chance at an interaction with your handsome neighbor over and done before you even had a chance to blink. Apparently not.

“I need your help.” he said shoving his way through the door as soon as you’d gotten it unlocked.

“Does this have anything to do with you being drunk?” you asked, following the near stranger into your own living room.

“No. You think I’m drunk?” He asked, eyeing your mess of a coffee table and grabbing the half full glass of wine, “Can I have this wine though? Cheers.”

“Uh.” You watched as he swallowed all of it in a single gulp. “Sure.”

“Are you going to help me or not?” He asked frantically.

“Help you with what?”

“Oh, right.” He belched and made a face before looking back at you, “Remember when you stole my mail?”

“I didn’t steal your mail. You also had my mail…”

“Whatever, so you remember.” You continued to watch him as he sat down on your couch and grabbed a pillow to squeeze in a hug. “My friend is getting married. It was an invitation. The mail. I am a gentleman and I said I would go. So I had friends over for dinner tonight, I made penne a lotta vodka. Delicious. Everyone loved it. There was bread. Salad. Accoutrement.”

“Penne alla vodka?” You asked.

“Yeah that’s what I said. Please listen.” He said throwing a sassy hand your way. “My friend Minh- Min- Minhy- we’ll call him Min, says my ex girlfriend is gonna be at the wedding. At the wedding even! He says this to me. And! And! Get this...get this...get this okay?”

“I will get it as soon as you say it.” You assured him.

“She’s got a plus one. A boyfriem. Friem. Freimd. He’s a kid doctor. Not a doctor that’s a kid but a doctor of kids.”

“Yep, I got it.”

As the moments passed you weren’t sure if you were finding your neighbor more or less attractive. At the very least he was amusing as hell.

He looked at you, squinting, for a long quiet minute before asking, “What is wrong with your face?”

“Huh?” You patted your cheek and remembered the face mask, “peel off mask.”

“Good so you’ll help me.” He said and stood up from the couch, still squeezing your throw pillow.

“Sorry, help you what?” You asked again.

“You’ll be the date to my wedding. Plus one. You. Me. Electric slide.” He both winked and gave you finger guns. “Pew pew pew! It’ll be great. Jealous girlfriend.”

Watching as he left your house without another word left you quite stunned, especially since he’d gone with your pillow and left the door wide open. At least when you looked outside he had made it back into his own home safely. Confused about whether or not you were actually expected to go to this wedding with him you shut the door and went back to the living room.

“No!” You groaned looking at the screen where the main couple had just slow-mo’d through their first kiss from several angles and you’d missed it.

-

That was how you’d ended up and Soohi and Seokjin’s wedding. How you’d ended up twirling around the dance floor in your gorgeous yellow dress with a thirteen year old boy named Minho was a different story and one whose details you weren’t entirely sure of.

“Kihyun.” Soohi sighed dramatically, “I. Love. Her.”

“Who?” he laughed as she grabbed his cheeks in her palms.

“Y/n!” she cried, and then leaned and whispered, “I’ll be honest, I have never liked any of your girlfriends. I only invited Mina because I knew she knew I was getting married and it seemed rude not to, but I never liked her. Y/n, oh god she’s perfect.”

“I’m glad you like her.” he said and looked over at you, now surrounded by no less than four thirteen year old boys.

“Marry her, Kihyun.” Soohi begged, “She’s funny, and she doesn’t put up with your shit, and she curbs all your weird compulsions. You’ll never find anyone else like her. Trust me. I just love her. Maybe I should marry her.”

“I think you should.” he agreed.

“Soo are you drunk? I’ve only seen you have a glass of champagne.” Seokjin asked his bride.

She turned, wrapping her arms around her husband, “Drunk off love Jin! LOVE!”

“With that I congratulate you both on a beautiful wedding and an endless love. I should, however, save my date from her prepubescent suitors.” Kihyun laughed, patting his friend on the back before making his way to the dancefloor.

He watched you for a moment longer from the edge of the dance floor as you laughed and danced with the group of lovestruck teens. You were fun. And cute. You had nice legs, though your ability to use them to dance was questionable. You’d made him laugh more in the week you’d spent together than Mina had made him laugh the entire time they dated. You even agreed to him drunkenly asking you to accompany him to this wedding in the first place, like a saint. However, he reminded himself, you weren’t actually his girlfriend.

The upbeat party tune had turned into something slow and romantic. Kihyun reached his hand through the throng of young men and offered it to you.

“Sorry gentlemen, but this beautiful woman is mine and I will be taking her back now.” He said as he caught your eye.

You took his hand and he pulled you into his arms as your fanboys groaned and left the floor.

“Took you long enough to join me.” You smiled, placing your hand on his shoulder.

“Well, yes. I was a bit preoccupied listening to every single one of my friends tell me how much they love you.” He grinned, leading you across the dancefloor.

“I really like them too.” You said genuinely, “Sad for everyone that we’re breaking up in like three or four hours.”

Kihyun laughed and tightened his grip around you. “Yeah, it is a little sad isn’t it?”

“I guess we just have to enjoy it while it lasts.” you smiled, and leaned your head against him.

-

“I need you to be my boyfriend again.” you said as Kihyun opened his front door.

“What?”

“The mail you stole from me?” You grinned at the look he gave you “It was also a wedding invitation. I planned on going solo. But after the wedding Soohi added me on Facebook and tagged me in a bunch of pictures. One of them was of us and she had captioned it `World's Cutest Couple’.”

“I know the picture that you speak of.” he opened the door all the way as an invitation and you stepped inside.

“Good. So my cousin, it’s her wedding that I’m invited to, saw the picture of us together at Soohi’s wedding and she wants me to bring you.” you explained as you followed him into the kitchen, “I tried to tell her we weren’t together and she wouldn’t hear it. She’s called me everyday for the last week. Plus she told her mother who told my mother, who has also called every single day for the last week. Crying, Kihyun, she cried to me. How could I have a boyfriend and not tell her? So can you just come with me? I just want like one week where I’m not being called constantly by family members.”

Kihyun, standing in front of the stove, looked over his shoulder with a smirk, “If you wanted me to be your date all you had to do was ask. You didn’t need a big elaborate made up story. I owe you anyway.”

“It’s not a big elab…” you groaned, “It’s the truth, but thank you anyway. One more fake date and we’re all even.”

“Sounds like a deal.” he said and turned around, holding out his spoon to you. “Taste this.”

With a hum you leaned forward and tasted the sauce he’d offered you, “Kihyun...that’s delicious. What is it?”

“Creamy garlic chicken which will be served on a bed of artichoke risotto.”

You leaned against the counter and sighed, “Fancy. Who are you having over for dinner?”

He shrugged, “Just me. Unless you’re hungry?”

You pretended, poorly, to think about it and then smiled. “I’m starving. I’ll have to go put my microwave dinner back in the freezer. Should I bring back a bottle of wine?”

“Yes, I would love that!” He said enthusiastically, “Best fake girlfriend ever.”

With a dramatic bow you hurried home and back for a delicious meal with your boyfriend that wasn’t your boyfriend.

-

Kihyun fed you a piece of his white chocolate raspberry cake off his fork as you fed him a piece of your cookies and cream cake. It was your plan as soon as you’d figured out there were two different flavored cakes at this wedding. You hummed with delight as you let the flavors take over your tastebuds. He nodded as he thought over his decision. As the both of you sat quietly he lifted his hand and moved your hair back behind your ear, readjusting the flower you’d tucked inside of it earlier after taking it out of the centerpiece on the table.

“I think,” you said finally, “I like yours better.”

He shook his head, “No way, cookies and cream all the way. Mine is good but the raspberry is too tart.”

“Hmm.” You looked over at the table and then back to Kihyun, “Switch?”

With a simple nod he adjusted the plates on the table and looked over at you, “Do you ever wear the same dress to different weddings? Or do you always buy a new one?”

You looked down at your blue silk dress and shrugged, “I guess I just always buy a new one.”

“Fascinating, I’ve worn the same suit to every event I’ve been to in the last three years. Birthdays, weddings, holidays. I just switch ties.”

“Well you don’t have to brag.” You laughed.

“Is it bragging? Don’t you like getting new clothes?” He asked.

“Yes and no.” You answered, “I like new clothes but I don’t really have any excuses to wear them again. Dresses you wear to weddings are more like dresses you wear on dates and less like dresses you’d wear to work. And I don’t go on dates. So all these dresses just get washed, hung up, and forgotten.”

“You should go on more dates.” He said it like it was simple.

You rolled your eyes. “Oh? Should I? I had never thought of that before! Thank god you came into my life Ki. What would I do without you?”

“Alright that’s enough sarcasm for the entire night.” He laughed.

You took another bite of cake and looked over at Kihyun as he watched the guests on the dance floor. He smiled and waved to your mother who had waved over to him from where she was dancing with your father. Your chest ached slightly. He was so handsome and so funny. You’d have loved to be his girlfriend for real, but everytime he talked about you it was fake girlfriend this and fake girlfriend that. He made it clear, over and over again, exactly what this partnership was.

“She adores you.” you muttered.

“Who?” he asked looking back at you.

“My mom. My aunt. My cousins.” you waved your hand around the room, “Basically any ‘she’ at this reception.”

“Now you know how it feels.” he said smugly.

“How what feels?”  

“Sitting in a room filled with people you’re going to disappoint when you tell them you and your fake significant other have broken up.” he laughed, “It’s exactly how I felt the other week.”

You groaned, “Poor mom. She’s never going to forgive me for losing you.”

-

“Just one more time.” Kihyun pleaded as he handed you a container.

“What’s this?” You asked pulling the door open for him.

Once he made it inside you kicked the door shut and he followed you to the living room where you plopped on the couch.

“A bribe.”

You opened the lid and sniffed at the homemade brownies. A giant smile taking over your face. “So what do you want this time?”

“It’s my birthday.”

“Happy Birthday!” you held the container out to him, “Birthday brownie?”

“No.” he chuckled, “It’s not today, it’s this weekend. Saturday. My friends are throwing me a party. Dinner and drinks, nothing crazy. Karaoke, I think?”

Your forehead creased in confusion. “You want me to go with you? Don’t they think we broke up.”

Kihyun’s face scrunched, “I...didn’t...tell them. I was going to! I was going to tell them when they came over for that next Friday dinner, but you asked me to your cousin’s wedding. I didn't want to have to explain why I went to a wedding with my ex, so I thought I’d wait until this latest Friday dinner, and then they dropped the news about the birthday dinner. They asked if you’d be there and I, in retrospect should have told them then, but instead I said you would be.”

“Okay.” you said simply popping a chunk of brownie in your mouth.

“Really? Just like that?” he asked.

“It was that or deep clean the bathroom.” you shrugged, “And hey! This way I can pull one of my dusty old dresses out of the closet.”

With a relieved smile he finally grabbed a brownie and sat back on the couch, “What are we watching?”

-

The birthday dinner had been amazing. You got along with all of Kihyun’s friends and they all made sure you knew just how much you were loved by them. They made you laugh so hard your cheeks hurt, and Kihun seemed so happy that you were all getting along so well. The only thing that felt off was the way Jinyoung, who Kihyun introduced as his best friend, was staring at you from across the table. It wasn’t weird or uncomfortable, at least not uncomfortable in a bad way. He watched you and Kihyun like a very casual observer. Collecting little bits of information from every action you took, but you didn’t know why he was doing it.

And you didn’t know why he was looking at you like he wanted to take you home. It seemed inappropriate for him to do it since you were with Kihyun, as far as anyone knew. No matter how inappropriate it seemed, you enjoyed it quite a bit, and even attempted to half flirt with him from across the table. Little looks, subtle smiles, lip bites, running your fingers down your neck. You knew what you were doing but you didn’t know why and worse you didn’t know why you felt bad about it.

When you left to the karaoke bar nearly everyone got too drunk. The front room of the building was a regular bar, and in the back were rooms for private parties. Everyone had been drinking and singing. Some people were singing so much and so loud they were losing their voices. Eventually you ran out of alcohol in the private room so everyone headed back out to the main bar for more. You’d stood up to go as well but Jinyoung had grabbed your hand and pulled you back down onto the cushions.

For awhile it was just a nice conversation. Yes his hand was on your knee and his head was resting on the back of the couch a little too close to your face, but it was still just talking. He asked if you remembered him from the wedding. You talked about Kihyun. He asked you what movies you liked. And you asked him what music he was into. He made you laugh and you thought he had such a gorgeous smile. His little eye crinkle snatched your heart right out of your chest. You weren’t sure how long you’d been in that room alone, but it felt sudden when he just came out and asked what you’d been thinking almost the entire night.

“Can I just kiss you already?” Jinyoung grinned.

“What? I-” you sputtered, “Kihyun.”

“It’s cute that you’ve been pretending to be his girlfriend. Cuter still that you think you two have been convincing.” he ran his tongue over his lips.

You gulped. “How did you know?”

“He doesn’t kiss you. And I know if you were my girlfriend I’d kiss you constantly. I’ve been thinking about doing it ever since I met you for the first time.” He leaned forward and said, “I think...you’ve been thinking about kissing me too.”

You looked around the room expecting someone else to be there but finding no one.

“It’s just us.” Jinyoung said moving his fingers over your neck so gently it almost tickled. “Your secret would be safe.”

It had been a really long time since you’d kissed anyone. And you’d had quite a bit to drink. And Jinyoung was remarkably good looking. Maybe just a little kiss wouldn’t be terrible. A peck in case anyone were to walk in. You still had a deal with Kihyun to be his fake girlfriend. With a quick lick of your lips you leaned forward and pressed your lips to his. You groaned immediately and your face flushed in embarrassment. He had to have known by that sound how long it had been since your last kiss. After a few seconds you pulled back, but just barely.

“Oh no.” you muttered.

“What’s wrong? Is it me?” he asked, scanning your face.

You shook your head. “No, but also yes. Your lips are so nice. I’m going to have to kiss you again.”

“And that’s a problem?” he grinned.

“Yes. You see I was just going to do a little kiss, but now I’m going to have to do a lot more.”

“Okay.” his eyes watched your lips the whole time you spoke and you were finding it difficult to hold back.

He opened his mouth to say something further but you leaned forward and pulled his bottom lip between your teeth instead. He groaned against your mouth and moved so that you were laying back on the cushions of the couch and he was hovering over you. This wasn’t you, this isn’t something you normally did. But his hair was soft and brushing against your forehead and your hands were sliding over his back. You could feel every muscle under his shirt and thinking about it made you want to cry. Your fingers moved over his shoulders and wrapped around his biceps.

A thought had crossed your mind to wrap your leg around his waist but you heard a disappointed Minhyuk say, “Oh no, guys. Don’t do that.”

You leaned your head back to see Kihyun and several of his friends in the doorway of the private karaoke room. He looked more upset than you would have ever expected him to but then you blinked and he was gone.

“Shit.” you pushed your way out from under Jinyoung and went to look for Kihyun.

He was on the side of the building near a dumpster kicking empty crates that had been for beer bottles. When he saw you he just looked at you for a silent moment and then scoffed before turning his back on you. Honestly you weren’t even sure what to say. You didn’t know why he was so upset. You genuinely wondered if he was just playing the role of scorned lover exceedingly well.  

“Kihyun…” you said quietly once it seemed like he’d calmed down.

“Don’t...say anything.” he said turning around to you, “I just- I can’t believe you would do that.”

“You’re right. We shouldn’t have done that here. We should have waited.”

“No, you shouldn’t have done it at all!” he yelled so angrily you stepped back.

“Excuse me?”

Originally you had felt bad for ruining the charade, but now you were just angry. Angry that he was really standing there acting like you’d done something that actually hurt him. You were mad that he was yelling at you like you were a child. You were a grown woman, and he was a grown man who made it pretty obvious that you meant nothing to him.

“You know...You did a wonderful job convincing people that you love me, I almost fell for it!” Kihyun spat at you drunkenly.

“I don’t know why you’re so mad at me!” You screamed back.

“You kissed one of my best friends at my birthday party! When you were supposed to be my girlfriend?”

“But I’m not! Am I? You’re the one that always calls me your fake girlfriend! Always reminding me that none of this was ever real for you!” You didn’t want to cry, you were not going to cry.  “I couldn’t just keep falling in love with you Kihyun! You were never going to love me back. So yeah I found someone who was genuinely interested in me and I kissed him instead.”

“What does that mean? Love you back? What do you mean?” He asked trying to process your words through his alcohol haze.

“Nothing. Forget it, Kihyun.” You shook your head, you were tired and you didn’t want to do this anymore. “Happy birthday, Ki. We’re officially broken up. Enjoy your life, don’t ask me for anymore favors.”

-

A week had passed and you hadn’t heard a single thing from Kihyun since you grabbed a cab and ditched his birthday party. You’d heard from Jinyoung though. He talked to you nearly everyday. He let you know that Kihyun had told his friends the truth about the two of you. Kihyun was sort of forced to when the whole group wanted to exile Jinyoung for kissing you.

In what you assumed was an attempt to avoid you Kihyun had even stopped getting his mail at the same time every day like he usually did, which you guessed was eating him from the inside out since he liked things so orderly and consistent. You weren’t upset about not seeing him, not really. Though you did find yourself peering out of the window more often than you normally did, just in case.

After almost a full second week of constant conversation with Jinyoung he finally asked you out on a date. It was a Friday night date, and you wore one of your favorite wedding dresses, a little red number. Dinner was great and Jinyoung was perfect but you could tell, despite it all, something wasn’t sitting right with you.

“I had a really nice time.” You smiled, albeit weakly, leaning against your front door as he dropped you off.

“Me too.” Jinyoung leaned in to kiss you.

You’d wanted it, or you’d thought you did, but just before his lips landed on yours you turned your face. He kissed your cheek instead. When he pulled away you were both surprised.

“I’m sorry.” You said quietly as you stared at your feet, “I don’t know why I did that.”

He let out a small, soft laugh. “I do.”

“You do?” You asked, finally looking at him.

“I do.” He cupped your face in his hand, brushing his thumb over your cheek. “I still had a really good time tonight, y/n. I’ll see you around.”

Your forehead creased as he walked away. Down the path and to his car. He gave you a wave as he ducked into the driver side and you returned the gesture. Still unsure of what had happened you went inside.

The heels on your feet got ditched in the doorway, and you pulled the pins in your hair, letting it fall over your shoulders. You’d just been about ready to wash off your makeup and put on your pajamas when there was a knock on the door. You figured maybe Jinyoung had left and gone around the corner and come back to apologize for his sudden departure. Instead as soon you unlocked the door and had it opened just an inch, Kihyun was bursting through.

“Good you’re home. I need your help.” He said and moved to the living room. He didn’t even glimpse at you.

You hated that your heart was racing at the sight of him as you followed him. “Please, come in.”

He plopped down on the couch and looked up at you as you walked in the room. He gulped while he looked you over in your slinky red dress, “You look nice. No Friday night face mask?”

“I had a date.” You glared before taking a seat in the chair. “Not that it’s your business.”

“Is Jinyoung here? Should I leave?” He asked looking around casually but it was clear what he was doing.

“No, he’s not here. Maybe you should still leave though.”

He couldn’t help the small smile on his face, both at the dig and the fact that Jinyoung hadn’t come in. “Didn’t go so great then?”

“What do you want, Kihyun?” You sighed.

“It’s almost Christmas.” He said opening what you realized was a calendar. You didn’t even see him carry it in.  “I don’t know about you, but I’ve already been invited to like three holiday parties.”

“Okay…” you took the calendar he offered and looked at the marked dates, “What does this have to do with me?”

“I need you to be my date.” He shrugged.

He was acting like his birthday never happened. You looked up at him in clear confusion. “We’re done fake dating, remember? We broke up for real.”

“Okay but hear me out.” He said and leaned towards you, flipping slowly through the calendar as he spoke. “We are both going to have a bunch of holiday parties to attend. Then there’s New Years. And it just keeps going. January eleventh is International Thank You Day. February, obviously there’s Valentines Day, we’ll need dates for that. March 20th is World Frog day. April has Earth Day. May, International Museum Day, I can’t go to the museum alone. It would be so embarrassing.”

“I got it.” You said flipping through the pages where he had written down every arbitrary holiday it seemed he could find. You fought the urge to blush.

“I just think we shouldn’t be alone on those days, you know? And we do so well together with these kinds of things.” He tried to read your face but you offered him nothing in terms of a reaction. “What do you think? Do you want to be my girlfriend, a couple more times?”

You looked up at him surprised. All you could manage was a smile. You were speechless.

“What?” He asked from the edge of his seat.

“You didn’t say fake.”

“Because I don’t want you to be my fake girlfriend. I want you to be my actual girlfriend.”

Leaning forward, you kissed him. About halfway through you realized it was your first kiss so you dropped the calendar on the ground and wrapped your arms around him wanting it to last. He slid his arms around you and pulled you to the couch with him.

“Is that a yes?” He asked breathlessly a few minutes later after you pulled away.

“Just a couple more times.” You grinned, “but you’re really gonna owe me one.”

[ravens-shadows]

I guess I’m updating my rant on Tom Riddle to an actual essay so be patient with me

I don’t even remember what I wrote last time lol but I wanted to do my full analysis now that I’m not in rage if that makes sense.

Let’s go by parts.

First, his parents.

So we are given Merope Gaunt and Tom Riddle Sr., and they tell us this woman just straight up drugged her crush and then expected him to stick around and love her? Like, she literally raped him. I can’t fucking blame him for just going back home and abandoning her, because that would be so traumatising. And what angers me the most about this, is that Rowling makes it seem like he was the bad guy because he ‘abandoned’ them. But all my issues with Rowling will have to wait for another day.

When Tom is born, he is raised in the orphanage, and it’s stated early on that he ‘does not have emotions’, and is ‘naturally evil’. But the thing is, was he really incapable of love just because he was conceived under the influence of amortentia? If he really had no love inside of him, by basic logic he wouldn’t have any other emotions, because is utterly ridiculous even by the standards of a magical world. In other words: he was capable of loving as much as any other child, the thing is, he wasn’t given the opportunity to learn how to love, which is precisely the whole basis of his character!

Growing up, he was looked down as the weird, abnormal kid, bullied both by the other kids in the orphanage and the adults too. And what the fuck are you supposed to do in the situation? There was no one to really explain how wrong the actions of those around him were, and kids absorb everything like sponges. In his eyes, their behaviour was normal, and therefore the way to avoid getting hurt was hurting them even worse. And let’s entertain for a moment the idea that love is the only emotion he didn’t have, which yet again, is portrayed ridiculously! Love had nothing to do with the situation he lived in. He could still felt fear and anger, and even guilt, but we were never showed that because, oh no, he’s the villain and he’s absolutely evil.

Dumbledore walks in. This. Fucking. Bitch.

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, who could have ended the war before Harry even started Hogwarts but didn’t because a stupid prophecy said so.

Dumbledore takes a look at this kid, after hearing a very biased opinion on him, and in that second he decides that this child is too far gone and can’t help him. And, of course, Tom is not stupid and he can see that Dumbledore doesn’t like him and he obviously will avoid him from now on and in consequence won’t trust any other adult.

And here is the worst part: even in a world where his magic isn’t rare, no one cares. The adults give a fuck about him, they never offer help. They know about the abuse he’s suffered for years and are doing nothing about it, so he starts making himself stronger. If only he was stronger, no one would hurt him again.

Then we get to the worst fuck up Rowling did with this wonderful character, because why, why in friggin hell, would he be afraid of death?

It doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t add up to everything that’s been building up in the background. He is sixteen at this point, asking about horrocruxes so obviously he is already looking for ways of staying alive, but it doesn’t make any sense! Sure, if he was an adult it would make more sense, but in this point in time there is absolutely no reason whatsoever for this ridiculous thing to pop up.

It doesn’t make sense that he wants to kill his father because he abandoned him, he would be angry and bitter but Tom is smart and being sane at this point would know that there is absolutely no point in doing it. It doesn’t make sense that he is afraid of an abstract construct that he probably doesn’t understand completely like any other teenager. It doesn’t make sense that he has plans of becoming a dark Lord at all, because in this point in time, he is in the middle of the war with Grindelwald, a war that started before he was even born, and wouldn’t finish until he was nineteen years old in 1945. Nothing makes sense (but hey, what can I expect from J.K. Rowling).

Anyway, let’s get going. Let’s imagine this makes sense despite being absolute shit, and he makes his horrocruxes.

Is should be widely known that he was fucking insane at this point. An horrocrux splits the soul in two, so he would have just have half of his soul before making the second one and so on.

From here on, his actions make more sense because he is not human anymore by any means, and he is completely bonkers, let’s face it. Mass homicide was expected to happen.

Now let me tell you why he is one of the best characters despite the author butchering him. Important to note that most people look to Harry as a survivor of abuse and I’m a 100% on board with it, but let’s not pretend their situations are in the same level.

Proof 1: Tom is an abuse survivor too, and in many ways I think it was possible he would have been killed if it wasn’t for his magic, a magic he knew he had and used. In other circumstances, he would have ended up in a similar situation to Credence. His actions are seen to be evil, but the main point of his whole character and this is stated, is that he acts in anger, pain and fear. He is afraid. And in the correct way of telling his story, his fear is justified. He is afraid because despite being ‘special’, people still cast him out. His fear is not the fear of death that was sold to us, is the fear that no one will ever feel the slightest empathy for him, that no one will ever understand how it feels like. His pain comes from being treated like a monster, by not receiving any kindness in his whole life, because even after Hogwarts he had no friends, just followers fascinated by his natural power and talent.

Proof 2: Tom’s ‘inability to love’ is simply the fact that he does not know what is love. How could he? He’s never been shown what it is. And later on, mental disorders can be developed, specially in cases like this, when the child eventually starts rejecting any kind of affection (a condition that doesn’t have a cure). The way this whole thing comes down would have made an even better character, and he wouldn’t even be the villain. I wholeheartedly believe that if he had been written correctly, there would have been a real villain, Dumbledore (not to say he is evil, but you don’t have to be evil to be a villain), and Tom would have been more of an antagonist. This may have given the opportunity to have a special interaction between him and Harry when he realises this teenager isn’t that much different than him. And Harry could have found too someone who understands how it feels to be a freak. This two have the potential of a great relationship that doesn’t necessarily have to be on good terms, but they would have naturally developed mutual respect by still being able to dislike each other and it would have been more logical, more natural.

Proof 3: Tom is, in reality, a good person. He is a little bit of a sociopath, as a matter of fact, but he is often described as quite a genius (?) child. He is smart, brilliant, and clever. If we ignore the nonsense of dark lords and horrocruxes, Tom would have fought to change the magical world for all those who are outcasts like him. While the ministry has laws against magical creatures, Voldemort is constantly making alliances with them, not only because is convenient, but because he genuinely does not care what they are. His hatred for muggles is exaggerated but understandable, but if he truly believed in wizards supremacy, he would not trust nor ally himself with werewolves, giants, etc. Tom is so brilliant that, even when Dumbledore suspected him when young, he got away with the things he wanted because he was so careful as to not leave any evidence of his plans, until it was too late. Once having this redirected, he could have perfectly fit in politics or similar places. He is charming and can easily make people do his bidding. He would have used this to get justice. Maybe not in the most peaceful way, but his intentions wouldn’t have been bad.

Of course, much of what I’ve said can be biased but I’m not here to be totally fair, I’m here to proclaim my love and devotion for what Tom Riddle could have been.

There is so much to this single character that deserves his own series of books because there is a lot of wasted potential. Harry and Tom are such parallels and yet, their whole dinamic was simple and vague, with good points but had as much significance as it would have been with any other protagonist with a totally different backstory.

Tom Riddle is this traumatised yet strong character, even if he isn’t good, but... cartoonish villains I guess.

Thanks to coming to my ted talk... if you managed to go through the whole thing.

English is not my first language, sorry for all my fuck ups

[Shameless side note: I do have a fanfic where Tom is the chosen one, and it’s not very good because I suck at everything but if you wanna check it out is here]