#being trans is hard sometimes but it also comes with a lot of joy

[ben-learns-smth]

a list of happy things I trans nonbinary edition (original + updated version)

the first time someone uses they/them for me, after I tell them

tiny trans pin on a stranger’s bag

every time someone uses my chosen name

“young man can you reach the top shelf for me?”

golden by zella day

taking care of myself because I like who I’m becoming (do your stretches)

“our youngest child”

cloud 9 by beach bunny ft. tegan & sara

“you’re not trying too hard, you’re trying what fits”

button up shirts (bonus points for binder underneath)

reading about moments of trans joy

.

every time a friend creates a new nickname (or nicholasname)

“btw what are your pronouns?”

growing pains by freddie lewis

my name on my student ID

recognising myself in the way someone else lives their truth

soft dark hair on legs, arms, upper lip, chest

reading books I see myself in

every time my voice cracks a bit, every time it feels a bit lower

“we love you and we’ll love who you’ll become”

as per usual feel free to add your own list of happy things or tag me if you make a post about it! doesn’t have to be gender related, can just be you related or general joy

[reasonsforhope]

"While mainstream media increasingly cover violence and legislative attacks against trans people, many scholars and activists worry that focusing just on violence and discrimination fails to capture the full experience of being trans.

Drawing on the success of movements like the Black Joy Project, which uses art to promote Black healing and community-building, trans activists are challenging one-dimensional depictions of their community by highlighting the unique joys of being transgender.

My research on trans parents affirms the reality of trans joy. From 2019 to 2021, I interviewed 54 transgender women — both current and prospective parents — from diverse racial and class backgrounds across the country.

I found that while many have navigated discrimination in their parenting journeys, they also have fulfilling parent-child relationships, often with the support of partners, families of origin and their communities.

Gender euphoria

Scholars and community members use the term gender euphoria to describe a “joyful feeling of rightness in one’s gender/sex.”

It diverges from the diagnosis of gender dysphoria, or a sense of conflict between assigned sex and gender identity typically associated with feelings of distress and discomfort.

Gender euphoria celebrates feeling comfortable with who you are and how you are perceived by the world.

Some people transition with a specific set of goals, while others discover new sources of joy and new facets of their identity over time.

Many of the trans women I interviewed expressed their gender euphoria in relation to their role as mothers. A Black trans woman in her 20s, whom I will call Gloria, experiences joy in being recognized as a mother.

“I love being called Mom. That’s the greatest thing,” she told me. “I love waking up every morning to see [my child’s] beautiful face. It keeps me motivated.” ...

For many trans people, transitioning opens up a new set of possibilities. When I asked Adriana, a trans Latina in her 30s, what it was like to come out as trans, she told me,

“I’ve never been happier. The happiest day of my life was when my daughter was born, and the second happiest day of my life was when I [started transitioning].”

Family and community connections

While some trans people do experience rejection from their families of origin, that is not true for the majority of the community.

In a 2015 national survey of over 27,700 trans adults, the U.S. Trans Survey, 60% of respondents reported having families who are supportive of their trans identity.

Trans women also form chosen families with friends, co-workers and other community members. Relationships with other trans people can have particularly positive effects on identity development and overall well-being, including emotional resilience, self-acceptance and a sense of connection.

Trans community care

In addition to caring for their biological and adopted children, the trans women I interviewed felt a responsibility to take care of their community.

Sometimes this care manifested as parent-child relationships, in which respondents provide financial or emotional support to LGBTQ+ youth.

Maggie, a white woman in her 50s, didn’t know she was a parental figure for her “queer kids” until they tagged her on Instagram to celebrate Mother’s Day.

“Someone might go, ‘Hey, can I stay on your sofa tonight? I’m having a hard time.’ Well, yeah, of course,” she said.

“Or they might hang around the shop [I work at], and only later it dawns on me, ‘Oh, this was the only place they could come and get affirmed and not feel weird.’” ...

Miriam, a white trans woman in her 60s, agreed that she has a lot to learn from younger trans people.

“A lot of my community today, people who I count as family and my beloveds, are not of my generation,” she said. ‘Beloveds’ is the term she uses to describe her platonic loved ones.

“I learn a lot from my beloveds in their 20s and 30s, who don’t have the same baggage I [dealt with] about how I could be and who I could be.”"

-via GoodGoodGood via The Conversation, July 14, 2023

[doberbutts]

Does the way people talk about trans men ever weigh you down mentally? As a trans guy its become really hard latley to see some of the things people in our very own community say about us. I literally saw a post made by another trans person implying all trans guys are abusive and coercive. And it really hurt so bad. Like i cant just be me or else im just inherently wrong. Like i just want to be me, why am i seen as evil just cause now im a man. And when i point this out why do i have to be seen as a bad person for having a voice because now that im a man im equated to a cis man. Its hard being so beaten down and traumatized before i transitioned dealing with a lot of sexist abuse because of being a "girl" and growing up in a extremely sexist environment where my body was entirely controlled, to then when i transitioned i felt i was suddenly the evil one just because i look like a man. Honestly it makes me suicidal sometimes and i worry about other trans guys too and how they feel having to see so much hate, and also knowing how isolated we are and how high are suicide rates are. I just wish people would be compassionate and empathetic and just LISTEN to us for once

It does bother me, and it makes me sad and tired, and like I don't want to be part of whatever community I'm seeing it come from.

Thankfully, I have a nice group of friends who come from pretty diverse backgrounds. Trans people of so many genders. Different races, different sexualities. Cis allies and gnc people with whom I can just be me. Some of us are disabled and some of us are not. We speak different languages and have different interests but we bring vibrancy and joy to each other's lives. And I think having this network of people who I can just be myself with and not have to worry about any of the infighting nonsense is wonderful, because whenever I see something that really bums me out I can just think of how amazing my friends are that I never have to hear this stuff from them.

There are good people out there, who will love you not in spite of but because you are you. It may take some time to find them. The past 6 years I've done a lot of looking and had a few swings and misses but overall I am so happy to have the people I have in my life. I would have killed for this opportunity as a youngster.

[bradassholemajors]

Wtf Is Shock Treatment’s Deal? (Or, Local Critic Discovers Escapism and Having Fun In The Midst of Late Stage Capitalistic Dread)

Watched Shock Treatment for the first time this week, and I am a changed man lol. Here are some disorganized thoughts:

I think something that makes Rocky Horror so special is that it can be as deep or not-deep as you want it to be. Like, if you want to think about the cultural implications of the themes portrayed (hedonism, gay & trans liberation, gender roles, the Invasion-of-the-Body-snatchers style infiltration of outside queer forces, the downfall of the safety contained within a collective identity), you can absolutely do that! There’s so much to be interpreted there!! But if you are just here to see Tim Curry looking incredibly sexy and violently thrust along to the Time Warp at a midnight showing with a bunch of cool strangers, that is absolutely awesome, too. Slay!! Take what you want.

BUT SHOCK TREATMENT MANNNN??? Shock Treatment is a whole different ballgame lol. Like, it is also a thematically rich goldmine, if you’re willing to squint a little— in terms of content included, not necessarily how it’s portrayed within the narrative. In the words of Barry Bostwick here, “it was a statement about the future that we weren't quite ready to explore. We didn't really even have the mental emotional vocabulary to understand what Richard [O’Brien, the creator] was trying to say.” I think this is spot-fucking-on!!! It’s absolutely frighteningly prescient, especially today in terms of the commodification of mental health. Like, woah. Janet being crowned “Miss Mental Health” felt like such a Gwyneth Paltrow moment. Cultural prophet Richard O’Brien saw the dark cloud of Betterhelp and wellness culture galloping over in the horizon in the distance of the American landscape, and he set out to warn us.

I still don’t quite understand what happened in the movie. I still don’t know what my takeaway was supposed to be. And I guess if you’re a little insane and love having fun doing thematic analysis with weird media (like me), taking Shock Treatment seriously may be right for you, lol. But thematically overall I think it’s safe to say: it’s a lot less coherent than its predecessor. It’s messy. It’s not interested in being flawless. It’s not interested in appealing to an audience. It’s barely interested in being a sequel. Shock Treatment is lowkey pointing and laughing in the face of those who showed up expecting a masterpiece— which admittedly was me, because I take Rocky Horror pretty seriously. (I put off watching Shock Treatment for a while bc I wasn’t sure about how it would affect the Rocky Horror Universe I had in my head.) If not for the internet reviews prepping me, I would have walked in completely expecting another nuanced perfect symphony of a movie to measure up to Rocky Horror’s magic.

But the thing was? Watching Shock Treatment, it ended up I did not really care!!!!! I was having the time of my life!!!!!

(more under the cut whoops)

Wtf was going on!!!!!!!!!!! Who knows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I still don’t quite know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I loved it!!!

This reaction of such joy, just letting myself vibe out made me think because when did I start getting surprised when watching a movie is more pleasurable than not??? Isn’t that the entire point of media??

I think with the modern commodification of media analysis and examining pop culture up close, I’d argue that Fun Media without a message is actually pretty hard to come by— at least in mainstream culture. Even stuff as sanitized as Disney movies are now digging into like generational trauma, appealing to what seems to be a collective search for depth (or at least the appearance of depth.) Modern neo-nazi brands of fascism wields power like never before, horrific images of violence follow everyone left and right. Sometimes it seems like this open secret, that everyone knows there’s this looming darkness at the forefront of our minds at all times.

So this transition from Rocky Horror to Shock Treatment felt actually sort of powerful to me. Rocky Horror’s generation-long reverberations of shamelessly depicting sensual revelry are so powerful; it’s bold even for today! (Of course, we all know transvestite isn’t a term commonly used today, but looking at it through the lens of its time, it becomes clear what a miracle the movie is. Knowing what it must have meant to queer people at the time it became a phenomenon— giving them a real space to be themselves in a hostile world criminalizing who they were, in a time of oppressive pressure to stay silent — that is the type of brave blatant acceptance hard to come by in any era.) Rocky Horror is something I don’t know if will ever happen again, and its sequel seems to concur.

Shock Treatment has been called a cash grab but I beg to differ. If you’ve seen it, no offense: but does this seem marketable to you??? It seems like it’s a Richard O’Brien project (already wacky) that went through several levels of development hell and heavy modifications through the creative process. Said with the utmost respect… it may have got away from them a bit. Put lovingly, Shock Treatment lowkey kinda sucks a little at times. It’s silly, it’s got a huge cast and musical fun galore. It’s serving B-movie realness. I don’t say this to bash on it, I say this with a bemused respect— I think the existence of Shock Treatment is as much a miracle as Rocky Horror (aren’t all creations???)

So in the first iteration, we have advocacy and fighting for freedom for those long silenced… but also, Shock Treatment seems to allow the creators to just let themselves have fun. Aren’t they both revolutions in their own right? Does everything have to be lasting cultural milestones or does our enjoyment matter in the moment? I’d argue we need both as human beings to thrive. It comes back to that Rocky-Horror-experience philosophy I covered where you’re taking what you feel you need most from the media you consume: a message or a celebration of just being here.

In conclusion, sometimes shit doesn’t have to be that deep. More movies should just say “fuck it, we ball” and give you the most absolutely incoherent fun time of your life. I love not taking things seriously, and I love creators willing to not take their work seriously. Perhaps Richard O’Brien also had a premonition with Shock Treatment in the sense of how he just had fun with it! Maybe we need less attempts at masterpieces and more attempts at just creation for the joy of it— or both, because joyful creation makes masterpieces!!! I’d love to see more creators of every skill level and every background, known and not known, say fuck you to capitalism and expectation and marketability and just say, we’re gonna do it anyhow, anyhow!!!

[saminator]

the joys of being a masculine trans man

Today, sometime around 9:30 pm, I had an epiphany. Maybe I finally found the joy of being trans. I'd always heard people say it, but I thought it was bullshit. Until today, being trans had caused me nothing but misery and fury. If you asked me anytime before today, April 3rd, 2024, at 9:30 pm pst, whether or not I liked being trans, it would have been a hard no.

I have prom coming up. I'm going to the prom at the school I would have gone to if I'd stayed in my middle school's town. I know a lot of people there, and three of the people at that school are the only hope I used to have when I was 14 and 15, still figuring myself and the world out. Don't get me wrong, I still am, but I was so unhappy back then, and they offered me unlimited comfort. Anyway! I'm going to prom with them and I was kind of excited about it. I'd been having a hard time getting myself to be excited about anything lately. I told my parents I needed a suit for prom and they asked if I could wear something I already had. I said no. All I have are two blazers from the women's section that I got in 2021, one red and one gray, which are incredibly comfortable and nice but they were from a time when I wasn't allowed to shop in the men's or boy's section, and another 3-piece suit which is a bit too large for me that my ex-girlfriend (who's trans) gave to me because I would enjoy it far more than she ever did. I'd also borrowed a blazer from a friend, and again, while it was wonderful, it was also from the women's section. I wanted something new, something that I picked, something that fit me and made me feel okay. So, we started looking for one.

My dad and I went to the mall two days ago to try and look for a suit, but they were either really expensive, or just not my size. Then, my mom told me to look for it online and have my dad pick it up on the way back home from work. I did that. I ordered a gray blazer and dark blue dress pants from the boy's section. My dad got them home. I tried them on. I loved it more than I had ever loved any piece of clothing before. My dad was so encouraging about making sure I looked good and he kept suggesting different variations I could try of the outfit. After a whole hour of trying on different shirts under the blazer and showing my mom and having her feedback on it, I went to go change. Then my dad called me, saying "don't change! wear your blazer!" and asked me to move the trash bins into our backyard because it's extremely windy and they were being knocked over (also because HOA hates when trash bins are left out apparently). So I went to do that.

And I was walking down the driveway with the wind blowing in my hair, I thought Wait. Is this what they mean by the "joy of being trans?" Earlier, I couldn't stop staring at myself in the mirror because I looked so fucking handsome it was UNBELIEVABLE. My smile didn't feel ugly, my hair didn't feel shabby, my entire body didn't feel like a mistake. And now, in the wind, dragging the landfill bin behind me, I felt happy with being trans.

I don't care if others don't see me as a man. The mirror sees me as a man. That's all that matters. The sheer happiness I felt wearing a suit that wasn't someone else's or from the women's section or too big or not mine was crazy, Suddenly, my short height, my high-pitched voice that no matter how deep I try to make it still gets me misgendered, and my un-muscular body didn't matter. I WAS IN A FUCKING SUIT THAT I LIKED THAT FIT ME THAT WAS FROM THE BOYS SECTION THAT MY PARENTS ALSO LIKED THAT KEPT ME WARM IN THE WIND. I was smiling like a maniac on the way to the backyard.

I'm sure this experience doesn't just happen to masculine trans men. Maybe you're a cis man reading this and you're short, have a high-pitched voice, and aren't jacked up. I see you, and I know how isolating it can feel to be the way you are, no matter how hard you try. I've tried working out to get muscles. I can't gain weight easily. I'm literally 5'1'' and 90 pounds. I hate it. But who cares! I have a suit that's sexier than sex!

I love being masculine. That's something you won't hear people say often because masculinity is demonized because it was always weaponized in the past (and still is). But I'm not all of those men. I'm my own man and I choose to love and embrace masculinity. What is masculinity anyway???? Is it suits? Is it being built? Is it having a deep voice? Is it having a beard? Is it being tall? Is it doing taxing manual labor? No! It's none of those things objectively, not even the suits. I've said this before and I'll continue saying it, if wearing dresses or skirts or doing makeup makes you feel masculine or is your definition of masculinity, hell yeah! Go for it! To me, masculinity is home. It's looking at myself and smiling because I look good. It's wearing a suit and feeling warm and cozy and ready to do anything. It's having a better relationship with my parents because we're all trying our best. It's being daring and taking risks just because I want to. Femininity couldn't give me any of this.

Especially in a time like now, where no trans space is safe from discussions of the happenings of the world, the world where people want to erase us because they think we're a threat. The fact that people are afraid of us is astonishing. But we persevere, we wear our suits or dresses or overalls or corsets or fishnets or khakis or hoodies and we pursue happiness because it's comforting to think that it exists for us. And it does. If someone like me could find euphoria in being trans, anyone can.

But yeah, in conclusion, the joy of being a masculine trans man is trying on your prom suit with the wind blowing 18 miles per hour in your hair and feeling alive and manly masculine male >:)

[jotarobutcat]

Turns out sometimes you have to force yourself to heal

Healing can feel impossibly hard, especially when you've internalized unhealthy values from both your parents and the culture around you. This may look like a pretentious middle school essay, but the truth is, I just needed to write about my healing process, and where it all started, somewhere. This will be a long ride, so buckle up.

I might be happier right now if I had just stayed a bigot, and given all the hate inside me just the right amount of fuel it needs to prosper, but I just couldn't do that to my friends. Funnily enough, this whole process started from my best friend coming out to me as transgender, not from some "a-ha!" moment in the middle of the night like most of my decisions.

Back then, I was your average "good Christian girl", or at least that's what I strived for. I didn't have many friends, especially when it came to people I was in contact with outside of the internet. I'd pretty much lost two of the three friends I had in middle school after it ended; one completely cut contact with me and my remaining friend, and one I just... didn't see again, since we took different paths in life and weren't really that close anyway. I'd recently become friends with another person online, and this person was very much open about being LGBTQ+ when asked. I didn't have a problem with that, because "well, he doesn't rub his homosexuality in my face". She knew my views on things as well, since I was open about my religion and how my values followed what I had been taught by my mother and the church as morally right or wrong. Back then, my views on the topic of LGBTQ+ people were, in a nutshell, "I think it's wrong to date a person of the same sex, and so is changing your body from how God created it, but I'm not going to insult, degrade, misgender or deadname people because I'm not an asshole". So in short, I was a bigot, but not a zealot. When my best and only in-real-life friend came out to me as a trans man, I assured him that I had no problem with him being transgender, and would be using his chosen name and pronouns from then on forwards if he wished me to do so. In reality, I was full of confusion, since I didn't really know what being transgender *actually* meant. Now, I could've just left it at that, but I felt that in order to give my friend the full support he needs and deserves, I should be able to at least understand what he's actually going through. At that point, my knowledge of the term trans, when talking about gender, was limited to "people who have changed their sex". It's not too far off, but I had no idea why someone would change it and what exactly counts as a transgender person, since my friend was pre-everything at the time and thus obviously did not fit the definition I had known before.

So, I decided to investigate what being transgender really means. During that time I watched videos a lot from a certain youtuber, and I knew his friend, who had been in some of his videos, had a channel as well and often posted videos reading memes and posts from different LGBTQ+ subreddits. I previously had had no interest in them, but I figured I could give some trans-themed videos a try, because humour is usually what gives the most authentic image of a person, as long as you know how to actually read people, and it's also a popular way to share life experiences and thoughts without making it too serious. I think the first one of these videos I checked out was on the r/egg_irl subreddit. That video was eye-opening. Some of the memes were scarily relatable, and I ended up realizing a while later, after doing some more proper research on what being transgender meant, that I fit the definition myself. Suddenly a lot of things made sense; why I always felt a prideful joy whenever being sorted together with boys or men, and hated it when someone added my name or "and girl" after referring to the group with a masculine term. Why I hated being called pretty or beautiful, and would rather substitute it for being called ugly. Why I had little to no interest in barbies and baby dolls and was fascinated by dinosaurs and my brother's Hot Wheels cars instead. Why I would rather play alone than join other girls in their play in kindergarten, and felt excited and happy whenever any of the boys would let me play together with them instead. Why I always hated dresses so much and secretly wished I could wear a suit, being exhilarated when I finally asked permission to do so and was given the okay without an argument or a fight. Why I always found interest in what the boys in my class were talking about, even if they were annoying, and why I kept secretly wishing I could join their friend group instead even though I got along with the girls just fine. Why I was annoyed by girly things or topics to the point I would actively avoid them, and feel proud for not participating in "girl stuff". Why I'd feel proud of myself whenever I acted "boyish" or "manly" enough. Why I felt proud of being able to sing the national anthem in a low voice. Why I wasn't able to appreciate having a near ideal body for the local female beauty standards. Why I felt ashamed of my breasts and "birthing hips". Why I felt disappointed to the point of near crying when I was given permission by my mother to get my hair cut short, and the hairdresser cut it into a butterfly bob instead of the kind of "boy hair" I had imagined. There were so. many. things. I could lengthen the list even more, especially if I added in things I've only recently realized likely had a connection with my gender incongruence.

This realization eventually led to a big battle between the values I had adopted in early childhood and followed ever since, and the new information about myself that clashed with what I believed was "right by God". This contradiction coupled with all the transphobic gaslighting, both from my family and random people on the internet, and drove me to what I have only been able to describe as an episode of psychotic depression, at least up until now. I felt awful, and hated myself for not being how I thought I "should be". I started wondering if I had just been influenced by the internet and gotten brainwashed, and began doubting the authenticity of my own feelings and thoughts. I couldn't trust myself at all anymore, and now that I think about it, I guess this was probably how my OCD manifested for the first time. It was like my mind split into two, one of which was "me" or "I", the other one being, well, the brain, I guess, and it was hell trying to figure out which thoughts were *mine* and not just something my brain pushed into my head... or something I, or another person, put in my head either on accident or on purpose. It's something I still struggle with sometimes, but being able to identify the problem(s) has helped a lot, and made things a lot less excruciating to deal with at times.

Well, I got over that. Somewhat, at least. I ended up pretty much avoiding thinking about my views on religion in general and basing my life principles on my own opinions instead of "God's". I still have my doubts and guilt, and sometimes fall back into the anxiety of not knowing what I'm doing is right or not. I will definitely have to work these things out in therapy, but I'd like to believe I've made a lot of progress outside of it on my own as well. Transphobia and homophobia aren't the only kinds of unhealthy values I've had to heal myself from. One of the biggest things that has kept me from healing for a long time is the teachings of toxic masculinity, particularly the idea of "only women are emotional". Being a trans man who almost nobody dear to me recognizes as a man, I've been clinging to every little thing that would validate my masculinity, even if it's extremely unhealthy, for years. This didn't start from my realization about my gender, but instead had been going on since elementary school, possibly even longer than that.

I have a tendency of turning into my friends' therapist whenever I get to know they're having a rough time. I feel it's much easier to give advice to people than to look for a solution to my own problems. Maybe it's empathy, maybe it's just avoidance of the shit I should actually sort out, but turns out these backyard therapy sessions can be mutually beneficial. On the internet, different people dealing with similar problems are often drawn together, kind of like stand users. At one point, the advice I gave to my friends dealing with the same problems I had started feeling pretentious. "I go around giving people advice I don't even follow myself... I guess it's grand time I take my own advice and cut myself some slack."

That's where the actual healing process started. When I felt ashamed of the fact I made mistakes and felt like condemning myself for having emotions, I forced myself to tell myself the same things I had told my friends; "Everybody makes mistakes, and while it may feel awful, it's a natural part of life. You're not worth any less for that. We don't have to look for a solution right away." "You're hurting right now, but that's okay. You're allowed to hurt. You don't have to be all happy and bubbly all the time." "That's right. You're angry right now. And that's fine. You're allowed these feelings just like everyone else. Let yourself be angry."

Notice how all of these have to do with self-acceptance? Yeah, that's what a lot of us lack. We condemn the parts of us we, or others, don't like and give ourselves more and more wounds. All of these parts have their right spaces in our hearts, but we keep trying to "heal" those spots, thinking we need to make sure none of these "unpleasant" parts of us have no place in our hearts before we can start healing the actual wounds. In reality, trying to close up the spaces just results in more wounds.

Think about your heart like a crow playing with one of those boxes with different holes for different-shaped objects; if you hide one of the holes, the crow will keep trying to push the corresponding object through a different hole. Some of these objects are small but sharp, and they make scratches on the box when the crow tries to push them through the wrong holes. These scratches hurt a lot, but are often quite quick to heal. Some of these objects are big, but more blunt. They might not hurt as much immediately, but they leave large wounds that affect a bigger area and take a much longer time to heal. Some of these objects have two sides, one big and blunt, one sharp and small, and thus cause different types of wounds depending on where and how you try to put them.

We all have this crow and these objects. The crow is stubborn, and will keep looking for the right places to put the objects until it finds them. None of our crows know where to put these objects from birth, and aren't really that smart, so they will naturally make mistakes and try to shove them in the wrong spots. This causes a lot of scratches and dents on our hearts along the years, and it's easy to feel like it's better to just close your heart to these objects altogether. The crow, though, has no other place to put them, so it will keep looking for the right hole for the object it's holding, because it knows there's supposed to be one, and that will just cause more scratches and dents in the long run.

Our crows also have assigned instructors. Some have prepared in every possible way to make sure the box gets damaged as little as possible. They put in extra effort, even before becoming an instructor, and do a great job at taking care of both the box and the crow. Some try their best to take care of the crow, but haven't really internalized that they also have to teach it to handle the objects and the box. Some are there just because it was on their checklist, and either don't really care about the task at hand, or quickly become overwhelmed and end up hurting the crow, making it confused and unable to find the right places for the objects. Some end up with the job on accident, some were forced into it, some are never around, and some came thinking they were prepared, but ended up giving the crow the worst kind of instructions possible. You could probably guess that the objects are these less pleasant parts of us. Most of them are negative emotions like fear and anger, some of them are painful or traumatic experiences. The crow is the person itself. None of us know how to handle our emotions and experiences from birth, and that's exactly why most of us have been given instructors, which are typically our parents. Our parents can teach us to handle these "objects" properly, but most aren't capable or just willing enough to teach all of the in-and-outs of the subject, so we'll naturally have to figure some stuff out ourselves. After all, we'll be stuck with these objects for the rest of our lives, whether we like them or not. So right now this little crow is trying to figure out the proper way to handle these things, hopefully with an extra instructor (a therapist) in the future. I think I'm doing good at it, especially considering the fact that the only thing I was taught was to keep the objects to myself.

[trlvsn]

i see we're talking about trans hc stuff and while it's mostly about miles...

what do you think of transfem kristoph? it's admittedly a guilty pleasure of mine and I hc he uses he/she pronouns but is quite secretive abt his femininity bc. internalized phobia stuff yeaa

that is a nice headcanon to have! i can imagine that, but i don't exactly share the vision, ngl. i will only talk a lot about kristoph when i'm done with the lock theory, which hopefully i will be someday (i can't bring myself to replay the games properly, attention is hard), but i will say that originally, kristoph and klavier were written to be a kind of opposing conservative vs modern duo (source: ace attorney fandom wiki). i use that part of his character design to complete his image in my head when it comes to parts of him we don't know about, like his relationship with gender identity. to me, kristoph is a conservative man who reads the old testament like a newspaper, and to me, he is cis or presenting as his assigned gender at birth regardless of his feelings on the matter. i'm even hesitant to call him something other than straight sometimes, despite my krisnix feelings, but in the times when i view his and wright's relationship as romantic, it's a "behind closed doors" type of deal that is not even spoken about properly or established. kristoph is also a very complicated person - so complicated he would be lost if he tried to understand himself. understanding your gender identity, in my humble opinion, requires being in tune with your feelings and not, well, being in denial of certain things about yourself. kristoph is very much a denial kind of guy (but i shan't say more), so him even understanding something about himself that doesn't fit his overall views on the world (conservative, neglectful of emotional needs, arguably) does not fit with my vision of him.

and, to be honest, him having a secret feminine side seems kind of on the nose for me with the nail polish thing. that's probably not why you view him that way though, so again, nice hc to have! every time a person makes a character trans in their head, i feel it like a god feels a mortal prayer and i nod to myself in joy.

[alexissara]

The Iconic Matriarch

[Art by Kanesha Bryant from Thirsty Sword Lesbians: Advanced Lovers and Lesbians]

The Matriarch in Thirsty Sword Lesbians is one of my artistic prides and joys. I've created lots of comics, short stories and worked on several games. The Matriarch to me is a design stand out. I want to talk about the design of that playbook more specifically sometime but instead I just want to talk about the iconic for the playbook here. The iconic here is an AU version of my OC Jillain Owlnight. Jill originated as a NPC character in a roleplay that was the adoptive mother of one of my partners OCs. I really loved her and so did she. Jillian was a lawyer who did her best to help people, she was a scrapy woman in independent practice and single just doing her best. Still she was wise, she loved magical stuff, was a big fan of birds and was did her best by her new kid.

She recurred in some other roleplays as a mother figure as a staple wink and a nod or as someone's lawyer. Eventually though, she was brought into Love Beyond The Holy Light, which was a webnovel I had been working on for a while as a powerful witch with an affinity for owls, a POV character and the mother of another POV character. This fantasy version of her was probably my most in-depth dive into her as a character. This and the following modern roleplay really finished the refinement of what this character was.

Jillian is a trans woman who lived a really hard life with bad parents, runs away from home and has fend for herself or is taken in by some magical bird, either way she is living a fairly different life than other kids. She gets a lot of skills because she needs to be all around good to survive and the lesbian falls in love with a girl, typically after years there is a sad break up, she goes through a flop era and gets her shit together when there is a kid in need that she had to care for. From there on Jill is a mega mom, she does everything for her kids and tries her best to make the world a better place. Maybe she slips up at one point, sells her morals for the kids safety or comfort but eventually turns around to do right by her kids.

Which brings us to this iconic AU version of Jillian. I wanted a version of her to do something new with less baggage. I think I said to just warrior her up at first but I was asked to provide a bit more detail and I suggested a bit more of a Sci-fiy kind of vibe. Kanesha then used the very little guidance to make this master piece. I don't know what they intended but clearly they took inspiration form the playbook too, where they gave Jillian mob boss vibes since one of the examples for The Matriarch is a mob boss. The amazing details were basically all their idea.

After getting it here is kinda how I picture everything about her working but this is just my headcanon, I hope people take her and do whatever their brains come up with for her. To me this version of Jillian runs a queer gang. Their all about bashing back and smashing the system. She is a very proud mom of her kids wearing stuff they made for her. Each color of bean represents a different kid she has taken under her wing. The eye patch was made by a sweet daughter of hers as well and the bracelets were gifts from her oldest daughter. She rips off the rich and gives back to the queers posing as a CEO or something to explain the luxuries her organization affords people.

Her family mechanic is her right hand in the mob, one of her older kids and her wife. Jillian has Been around from her experience living on the streets and traveling for jobs and warm food. Then she has In The Family due to her crime family being a known force that is not to be fucked with.

Anyway, that was my idea for the iconic here. Have you played The Matriarch, if you have what were they like? Do you have any ideas for one or been in a game with one? Did the Iconic art give you any ideas like it did for me? I'm also just always happy to hear about any TSL OC, let me know in the replies and stuff.

If you enjoyed this or anything else I've wrote, consider subscribing to my patreon to help me make more good lesbian and trans art. https://www.patreon.com/AlexisSara

[decaffeinatedgalaxyprince]

ground rules: default safeword is 'safeword' or 'pause' or if i need to communicate something but don't feel the need to stop the scene entirely, i'll use parentheses to (talk like this) sometimes

(updated oct 2023) i'm a switch, slight sub lean, and i love to be gently dominated. i am 30+, central US time zone, gender neutral or androgynous or masc gendered terms preferred, or ask.

anons, asks, reblogs, and replies are all good! i love interaction, i love the exhibitionism aspect of this. i don't like dms, and the msg system doesn't seem to like me regardless. my comfort comes first, and i try to communicate about my comfort in good faith. please introduce yourself & share your limits too, esp if you like titles and pet names.

top tier fantasies: being denied permission to pee, especially if it's until i beg/admit that i'm going to have an accident if i don't get permission. being told what to drink. being told to hold it all 'or else'. being told to leak a little. having to ask permission to cross my legs or hold my crotch. being told if i can't hold it/obey whatever holding rule, i'll be punished: i love funishment oh my god. i love being threatened with no toilet breaks or with lots more drinks and nowhere to relieve myself. praise! praise + humiliation!

great: bondage. sexual omo. sharing fantasies. someone describing accidents or their own relief to make my desperation more urgent. talking about how full i must be and how much i'd love to pee. multiple doms giving me attention. multiple subs holding with me, competing for attention. sensory play. pressing or massaging my full bladder. mild intox.

good: being told what to wear. teasing about waterfalls, water sounds, etc. fantasies about consensual public stuff. golden showers. light s&m. sounding. humiliation. holding contests. peeing somewhere besides a toilet. holding a long time. rapid desp. making me admit/explain what i want in detail.

ok: 'you only want to pee, you don't need to.' some ws. measuring capacity (it's a lot. and therefore kind of a pain to measure)

ask first: 'you don't need to pee, you're not desperate, you just think you are' gaslight type teasing. unrealistic hold goals. holding indefinitely without a goal. short term no touch. pleasure denial / joi. piss drinking. overstim.

no: diap. actual oppression or abuse dressed as kink, including under/age inc/est & non/con. orgasm denial. most hard s&m.

i'm a fat transmasc with a fat trans dick and a sopping wet cunt. my ass is cute too (and very fuckable). gender neutral, masc, or androgynous language prefered. you can switch it up, i'll let you know if i like/dislike something or you can ask. i love talking to people, even if you don't want to talk about sex or bdsm explicitly. i live in an apartment so i can't really do jumping jacks at 3am.

i have a wand vibe, several toys and plugs, a stand to pee funnel, and some bondage supplies that you should also feel free to ask me about

other kinks, rough tier list of things that i do like:

S: omorashi, bondage, begging, voice, praise, wholesome, humiliation, DP, clothed sex

A: d/s, roleplay, anal, oral, frottage, dry humping, sounding, wax play, temperature play, sensory play, boots, masks, exhibitionism, leather, terato, science/lab roleplay

B: ws, uniforms, object insertion, body worship, lingerie, dacryphilia, light intox, jeans

C: petplay, feet, s&m

now go forth and tell me to hold my pee 🥰

[wahlpaper]

Cleat Cute Review

Cleat Cute by Meryl Wilsner

CW: Internalized Ableism, Vomit, Described Sex, Drinking in Excess, Swearing, Injury Recovery, Money Problems, Sports Violence, Panic Attacks, Medical Transphobia

5/5

Put a red-haired woman on the cover of a queer book and I'm so there. The cover of Meryl Wilsner's Cleat Cute was all I needed to ask my library to get the audiobook. In middle school, I played midfield in soccer. I don't remember much beyond the basics of the sport and haven't picked up much since. I have enjoyed soccer romance stories like Bend it Like Beckham, but it's no longer the special interest it was in middle school. Essentially, I wasn't looking for a romance in it. This novel appeared on some list I saw about upcoming books and it caught my eye. I could tell it would be a romcom that was sweet and light in tone, the kind of story I struggle to put down. 

Phoebe Matthews is a rookie in professional soccer, but she gets drafted to the best team in the country right out of college. She has her sights set on joining the National Team Roster next. It's a World Cup year, and Phoebe's team captain, Grace Henderson, is doing her best to look forward to it. It's hard for her to do when she's lost her excitement for the whole profession. Phoebe is full of energy and passion, but not just for soccer. She feels this way about Grace too. Will the women getting close to each other be enough to change their lives for the better? Or will they find out they aren't being honest with themselves? 

At first, I thought the writing was a bit simple, but I was quickly sucked in by the characters, the plot, and the setting. Some issues were resolved a little too easily, and I felt that the POV broke its unofficial rules sometimes. These issues were minor when looking at the book as a whole. Wilsner is great at world-building, having created a fully-realized version of Women's Soccer that works as a nice alternative to what we have in real life. I don't get visual thoughts, but I understood the physical settings being used in the books. While there are two MCs, Cleat Cute utilizes a full cast of characters. All of them felt fleshed-out, interesting, and distinguishable from each other. I will absolutely be reading more of Wilsner's books if they're anything like this one. 

One thing that surprised me in Cleat Cute was the neurodivergent representation. I didn't find this book on a list of autistic books or ADHD books, so I had no idea it would be a central part of the story. Phoebe has undiagnosed ADHD, which is an important part of her arc. Grace's sister has it, which means that Grace is coming from an understanding and respectful place when she talks about the disorder with Phoebe. As for Grace, it is mostly suggested through traits that she is autistic but undiagnosed. It's only directly referenced in her thoughts once, though. I do wish the narrative had spent as much time on Grace's neurodivergence as it did with Phoebe’s, but I do have other books for that. Either way, I felt autistic joy reading about both Phoebe and Grace living their queer soccer star lives while also getting to be their full selves by the end. 

Being realistic to the sport, Cleat Cute has a lot of queer characters in it. Lesbians, a bi woman, a non-binary goalie, and Phoebe's trans brother are all featured in the story. The author, Wilsner, is non-binary and writes their characters from an experienced and loving place. Being a professional soccer player can come with a bit of time in the spotlight. While this makes Grace uncomfortable, she wonders if she should use it to be there for other lesbians. Cleat Cute does a great job of expressing why it's important for famous people to come out while also reminding everyone that consent is necessary. Every celebrity that comes out makes the world a little safer, but it'll never be worth it for them to do something they aren't comfortable with.

Cleat Cute by Meryl Wilsner is a great queer sports book for those who want that in a New Adult novel. It's a light and easy read with great representation. If you're a foodie, into soccer, or a fan of New Orleans, this book will be especially enjoyable for you! Join Phoebe and Grace as they prepare for the soccer season and try to navigate their feelings!

[genderqueerdykes]

When you're afab, how do you know when the Confusing Gender Feelings aren't just internalized misogyny, or you fetishizing trans men, or you being at discomfort about how society views women's identities???? haha asking for a friend (it's me, i'm desperate)

that's actually a good question, at least in terms of the last one, i've had to question that last one for a loooongggg time

being attracted to trans men is not the same as fetishizing trans men. fetishizing trans men is when you aggressively focus on their breasts, hips/curves, vagina if they have one, etc., making them seem weaker or inferior to other men, infantilizing and sexualizing us, and treating us like objects. that's where fetishism lies. being attracted to trans men is not the same, if you just find us attractive that's okay, it's especially okay to find trans men attractive if you are one

internalized misogyny is a tough one i've been unraveling that for a long time as well. that one i think presents more in the form of projection a lot of the time, if you have an automatic bad reaction to female or feminine things, if you automatically assume that you are dumb, weak, inferior, etc. because you are afab, if you tend to stay away from feminine things or things made for girls in general as a gut reaction because it's "inherently bad" that can also be internalized misogyny. basically if you think something is inherently bad because it's related to women or afab people by that proxy in society's eyes that's internalized misogyny.

that last one i feel you there, that was a huge problem for me before i transitioned cuz i'm fat and people love to get in your face if you're a fat "girl", let me tell you. that one can be very appearance based as well as a lot of thinking about how you're being perceived by others, which can factor into trans things.

i would try and focus more on how you feel when you think about your gender. what things made you question being trans? do you feel uncomfortable in how you present socially, do you feel uncomfortable with your name and pronouns, do you feel like hormones would genuinely bring you changes that would make you happy, have you longed for a change for a long time and cant quite place a finger on it, that kind of stuff. try to figure out the parts that bring you joy and euphoria and focus on those for a while, and try to build from there. think about what it is that makes you feel transmasculine and why, and think about the things that bring you joy when you think about that. maybe even start a journal or write these things down where you can be reminded when you feel insecure

i hope that helps, take care of yourself. it can be really hard to figure these things out, it requires a lot of deep introspection. you're doing a good job but sometimes it's easy to think yourself into a corner. i hope you're able to suss it out. come back if you need anymore help =)

[homenecromancer]

a lot of the time, i have a hard time realizing that im feeling an emotion unless i actively sit down and work through it a bit.

and this whole spring i've been like. well my general anxiety has been way worse, my ability to deal with things is all over the map, i have trouble sleeping without sleep medication, i've noticed myself pulling away from even socializing online... when i think about my hysterectomy coming up, i don't feel happy. i feel nervous and a little scared. i worry that i'm going to get a phone call telling me that my insurance company has decided not to pay. holy shit, do i worry about that.

(like, two days ago i was on a conference call with someone from my rheumatologist's office + someone who works with my insurance company, and things eventually boiled down to: the insurance company refuses to add a preferred name to my account, and they won't accept documents with anything but my birth name on them, so now i'm back to being "[birth name] but with a note on my file to call me a different name" at my rheumatologist.)

it wasn't like that when i was waiting for my top surgery.

but that was 2018.

and i did not think, then, that in five years, every time i checked the news i would be bracing myself for new anti-trans legislation, and praying it wouldn't be in my state. it doesn't feel like i'm waiting to walk through a door to a different state of being; it feels like i'm running and trying to escape a trap. when i think about the future it's in terms of "what can i survive, and how?". i wanted joy, not desperation.

my state is relatively supportive of trans people, but it is surrounded by states that are proposing and passing a tide of transphobic legislation. and while this state leans more Democrat than it did in the past, there is still a Republican history in this state. there are people here who would be happy to vote to make it illegal for me to get hormones, to use my own name, to change my legal gender marker.

sometimes i wonder if part of the reason that i am mostly treated okay in public is that i'm visibly disabled, and a lot of abled people view disabled people as the diet versions of adults. (people tend to see someone visibly disabled and immediately decide "oh, they're disabled, so they obviously don't drink / fuck / do any 'normal' adult activity"). so i'm not getting invisibly graded on my ability to pass as an adult man, not the way i would if i weren't disabled; anything odd about me gets brushed off as "oh, the poor thing is disabled" rather than "i knew it, he's not actually a man".

i don't really participate in real-world queer community, for reasons that are like... considerably related to depression/anxiety. i am happy to call myself queer, but i don't feel like i belong anywhere in particular in the community, or that anyone would have interest in my opinions, experiences, or feelings, for reasons i do not wish to elaborate on. (also, every group i have found that i might be interested in meets somewhere far away from where i live, on a day and at a time when i am usually at work. like even the teleconference groups i've found are like that. lmao at living in the suburbs.) usually i can just patch that feeling of loneliness over, but sometimes it really drags me down.

i'm just tired of being scared all the time.

[explanationpoint]

i miss the joy of asks and thought maybe you did too- so what’s your current favorite piece of media? what’s a hobby that you could talk about for hours? how are you doing personally?

I wish I could give a good answer on my current favorite piece of media. Maybe adventure time? Possibly Trick ‘r Treat (2007)? I showed it to some friends and they loved it, which was awesome. Embarrassingly, I keep finding myself listening to the new Drake album. That man is a train wreck and it is hard to look away. the music is pretty here and there frankly but I laughed a lot.

I have a few hobbies, and I could talk about all of them. But I write rap songs and whenever people like to listen, I’ll tell them stories about rappers and artists from the past. Did you know MC Hammer had shooters? Like you really really did not wanna diss MC Hammer in the 90s. A lot of rappers didn’t like him because they thought he was too poppy (and he is) but they sure didn’t wanna say his name. and hip hop and further, music is just full of outrageous stories or interesting artistic things to talk about and I could do it forever. But I’m also in a media-related class again, learning more about photos and filmmaking and I could easily talk about all that for just as long. Sometimes I feel like I talk too much, I’m trying to listen more.

And wowww I have been up and down. I moved home. I didn’t really want to move home. I broke up. I’m not sure I would have broken up if I didn’t have to move home. But I think the breaking up was for the best, even though it’s been difficult with being *that kind* of alone after four years of being in love (like the “I am seriously trying to spend the rest of my life with this person” kind of love). it’s a pretty big adjustment. i’ve had a series of weird, intense, totally unrequited crushes. my feelings are super intense. it might have something to do with my body going through a second puberty lol. despite all that i intend on taking things slowly if i get involved with anyone. i know that i can’t rely on a relationship to save me or make my life make sense. i have to do better for myself. and i have sort of, and some things are really better and less stressful. my parents aren’t exactly okay with me being trans (love you mom!) but they aren’t kicking me out or flushing my meds. Which is great! But it gets pretty hard sometimes.

I’m loving school. It’s an easy avenue to make new friends (i’ve got a few now, if you can believe it), and this is the first time I’ve been studying something artsy and I’m finding it very satisfying. I feel like I’m learning a lot, mostly about how to manifest my ideas, and I guess it’s making me more confident that I’m capable of making things that are like, good. it’s sort of always been a struggle to believe I deserved good things or that I could do good things. a lot of people in my adult life have tried to tell me that I was capable and could make my way in the world with my creativity/art stuff. and i guess burning out as hard as i have (i am unemployed and have a masters degree. it isn’t in art stuff. or stuff that easily makes money. i’m kind of a dummy) but it’s sort of given me a second chance. the school I’m at right now is very cheap compared to what i did before and i feel like i’m getting a lot more out of it. i know way more about photography and photoshop than I did a month or two ago and it’s nice to have another way to express and let the ideas flow.

i hope i don’t sound too conceited about my stuff, because well. i’m actually super critical about all of it. and myself. and every mistake i’ve made in my life and how i got here etc etc etc. But there’s no point in just rolling around in my self-loathing. I have to keep moving, finally be a person. Nobody is coming to make it easier. I have to do better. And I can’t pretend to be something I’m not, in more ways than one. none of its easy but all of it’s living, and it’s what I need to do. because trust me, i’ve considered the other options. if that’s not too dark. at least i have some excuses for the arrested development. and thank you for asking. i also miss the joy of asks! it’s lovely to think that someone is out there looking at my little rants and thinking about me and my life. i’m sorry if my prose is a little robotic. sometimes my words just flow off the top and sometimes i gotta break them out of the firmament. but really, thank you

[oblivions-arts-culture]

ENVY'S TOP TEN ALBUMS OF 2022 -part 1

No one asked and none of you know who I am but I made SO MANY spreadsheets and lists about this, so!!!!!

10

Wet Leg’s breakout single Chaise Longue could have been their whole legacy, a novelty-adjacent one hit wonder who never captured that magic again. Except they did; and I actually think they did it better on a lot of the tracks on their debut album. The excitement around the Isle of Wight’s premier indie rock act is well warranted, and their debut LP delivers on the promise of their viral hit. The humour never runs dry, the energy persists through to the last note, and the fun never stops. It’s been a long time since a debut album made me so excited for the next one.

10

(yeah I couldn't choose. This is a top 11 xoxox)

It’s hard to pin down exactly what’s so captivating about this album. It’s enchanting on a surface level, a gorgeously written and utterly unique post-rock project filled with alluring idiosyncrasies. But I don’t have words for the beautiful, ethereal something in the heart of the album that keeps me coming back. Maybe I’m entranced by the swirling mix of guitars and brass. Maybe it’s the vivid but abstract tapestry of Isaac Wood’s lyrics, enthralling in their oddness but relatable in a way I don’t know how to describe. Maybe I’m trying too hard to make sense of my love for this album, but we all know snow globes don’t shake on their own.

9

I have very little to add to the discussion of this album, save to add to the chorus of people singing its praises. Though I can understand why Kendrick Lamar’s latest record has been somewhat divisive; it’s certainly not an easy listen, but it’s a deeply rewarding one. The strength of Lamar’s conceptual vision runs like a rich vein throughout, adding a theatrical element to even the musical arrangements that elevates the work without taking away its sting. Lyrically, the album touches on every touchy topic under the sun. It’s challenging, at times deeply uncomfortable, but also truthful, and nuanced in a way that so many attempts to diagnose our age have lacked. He’s also getting bonus points for the best song about Being Trans a cis person has ever written. Same Love by Macklemore this is not.

8

Don’t let the minimalist album cover or the lofi, rough-around-the-edges production fool you: Adrienne Lenneker has fit the entire universe into this double LP. Big Thief step well beyond their comfort zone on this record, and out into the cosmos beyond with swirling, almost shoegazey guitars that blend seamlessly into more straightforward folk and country without missing a beat. This is an album about finding the small, mundane joys in life, and filling them with love until they expand into the celestial. But in spite of the grand scope, the album art still sells the vibe; it’s the whole universe, but it’s about the view of it all from beside a warm campfire, surrounded by friends. It’s sweet, it’s heart-wrenching, it’s at times bizarre, and it’s in a league all of its own.

7

If Big Thief takes the beauty of the mundane and makes it celestial, Friendship has chosen to preserve the mundanity in its retelling. That may sound like a criticism – and certainly more cynical listeners may write the album off as boring – but I promise you it isn’t. Appreciating the little things is not always about finding a life-affirming revelation in every cup of coffee. Sometimes it’s about taking things as they are, no matter how boring or unglamorous. There’s something deeply comforting about Friendship’s expression of this reality through stark, alt-country instrumentation and the blue-collar emotional truths in the blunt imagery of their lyricism. As the year went on I found myself returning more and more to this album’s down-to-earth roots.

6

From the year’s least-flashy album to perhaps the year’s boldest stylistic statement. The quality and creativity of the production alone on Death’s Dynamic Shroud’s latest LP would have been enough to land Darklife a spot on this list; there really is nothing like the sound of this sprawling tapestry of experimental electronica. But what keeps me coming back is the strength of the songwriting that production is draped around; each track is its own world, with multiple ideas bouncing off of each other in ways that at times sew mesmerising chaos and in others offer striking, impossible moments of cathartic clarity. This is an LP that is begging to be experienced as an LP, a project even grander than the sum of its parts. If you want just a taste though, Judgment Bolt is the year’s biggest banger.

[acertainmoshke]

Character intro: Ly’ore Abebe

WIP: To Die Among the Stars

Age: 36

Pronouns: she/her

Appearance: visibly trans, average height or tall depending on your criteria. She has very dark skin and textured black hair in a large afro. Her eyes are very light brown, almost golden. She does wear makeup, but in a subtle way.

Ly’ore was the eldest of 8 siblings in a large, loving family full of laughter that couldn’t quite hide how the system failed them. Sometimes they lived with friends or cousins for a while, even splitting up into different houses, sometimes they were homeless, and sometimes they rented their own little house. As the oldest, Ly’ore should have been the most responsible, taking care of the babies and doing work around the house—only she was never any good at any of that. She would daydream and forget what she was doing, even when she tried hard at chores she was slow and clumsy and made a lot of mistakes, struggled to understand instructions, processed information slowly, and was easily overwhelmed by the loud and demanding kids. They didn’t care that she was a girl not a boy when she finally came out, but she got a lot of shit for being useless. It didn’t help that she didn’t enjoy the loud, rambunctious family dinners that were everyone else’s bonding time.

So, the responsibility fell to her closest sister, Tril. Ly’ore did drop out of school at 16 to help earn money, but then spent the next 20 years getting fired for mistakes she didn’t really understand. She was loved but also the family disappointment. She promised Tril she would do whatever she has to to let her finish school—but failed at that too. She didn’t talk much, always drowned out by someone louder.

That’s not to say she didn’t find any joy in life. She loved her stuffed bear, a childhood toy bought new for her that she refused to pass down and still slept with as an adult. She also loved her daily run first thing in the morning when she felt free to just think and exist without all the usual chaos. It was the only time she really felt like herself. Oh, and she did have a friend—she and Tril had always been close despite being opposites. Tril was the only one who listened to and accommodated her, and in turn she acted as assistant in Tril’s constant experiment and kept all her secrets.

When she saw the ad on a sign, she knew. She knew that this was the only way she could ever provide for her family. She was 36 and her youngest sibling 13 then but they all still had only each other and tried to remain together. She would ensure them food—even if they didn’t give enough for the whole family, it would help. She told Tril, of course, and was alarmed when she insisted on coming. Honestly, she was offended that Tril thought she still needed taking care of but also a little relieved she wouldn’t be alone. So they arrived and signed up together.

Tag list: @hd-literature @blind-the-winds

[iraprince]

hi there, i love your work a lot!! ur one of my fav artists rn bc i think your artstyles very cool and interesting ^_^

do you have any transfem ocs and artworks btw?? i think i saw one drawing from not too long ago but i would love to know if you have more bc seeing ppl like myself makes me feel sm better about being trans <3

thank u!!

thank you so much!

the art you saw recently may have been my ffxiv oc yuwa, who is transfem! sirloin/genevieve from TVRN was also a trans woman, though since TVRN was tabled a few years back i don't have any recent art of her atm

tbh tho while almost none of my ocs are cis i usually don't think of most of them as specifically transmasc or transfem bc i usually just end up creating ocs w a completely nebulous relationship w gender or no gender whatsoever (bc that's my own situation; obviously there is incredibly diverse overlap in these things for other ppl but as a completely genderless person i don't identify as transmasc, for example) -- so, like, i guess it's a little hard to explain, but i think i have ocs that other ppl might consider transfem based on their own definitions/how they specifically use the term, and it wouldn't be incorrect to interpret them that way, but i would feel weird picking through my own ocs and saying "well technically they're transfem" bc of specific definitions when i wasn't creating with those terms/identities in mind myself. (i.e. i have nonbinary lesbian ocs like kir and dengo who could accurately be called transfem, but it hasn't necessarily come up bc unlike my "canonically" transfem ocs like yuwa they don't specifically id that way in character! stuff like that, if that makes sense?)

SORRY FOR RAMBLING HAHA this q probably would not have been this complicated for a lot of other ppl lol but basically the answer is... yes, but i just don't think about/use the terms transfem or transmasc much and so sometimes i get a little stuck if i have to try to apply them to my characters. everyone is just trans and i derive a lot of joy + comfort from it!!