#borderline catatonic

[jawd]

i had my first physical therapy appointment today and they did the muscle manipulation (literally a massage) first thing on my shoulder and around my shoulder blade and OUHH it felt so good. all my muscles in my shoulder and shoulder blade and upper arm and fingers were like twitching and spasming the whole time and i thought i was gonna pass out it felt so nice. my physical therapists fingertips digging into and rubbing over my nerves and my muscles that feel like theyve been pinched and tensed up so bad since surgery 4 months ago > any narcotic pain medication on the market

[mayasaura]

It's going to haunt me forever that Harrow only sent Gideon to the basement with Jeannemary and Isaac because she thought there was nothing there, and the real danger was Palamedes and Dulcinea. Her plan was to send Gideon and the children on a goose chase, then take both necromancers on by herself once they were safely out of range.

She was trying so hard protect them, to protect Gideon, and putting herself in danger to do it. and it backfired on her so spectacularly.

[discoidal]

oh god maybe i do have disorders after all

[bosspigeon]

my anxiety has been so fucking bad lately i rly don't know what to do anymore im having like multi-day breakdowns and i am constantly shaking and struggling to make myself eat consistently but like i still have to go to work and pretend everything is normal bc i can't afford not just push through but idk how long i can keep this up

[onewordshy]

So there's really people out there living lives of adventure, huh?

[gay-dorito-dust]

Reader being Jason or Dick's girlfriend, who doesn't know about their double life, casually blurting out that she was never a fan of Batman and Robin or that she prefers Superman and the whole family is offended. 😭

I was tired and failed to realises that this came out a bit like a crack fic in the end but I’m sure you won’t mind…hopefully.

Jason: honestly has too much fun shit talking Bruce to you, especially when you didn’t know the man that you were shit talking as well as he did.

He just found it funny hearing you say with your full chest in front of his family that you prefer the Man of Steel over the Dark Knight.

It sends his entire family in disarray and chaos and Jason was thriving off of it immensely. He does not help the situation at all and would wholeheartedly make things worse for the sake of having something to talk about later.

Dick was borderline catatonic as Duke and Steph were trying to bring him back to reality.

Alfred excused himself from the room.

Damian was sharpening his dinner knife. Menacingly.

Meanwhile Tim was pulling up a long winded power point presentation about how statistically Batman was better than Superman. (In every possibly way, you’re just hating.)

That’s literally the title of his presentation.

‘Did he have this prepared in his free time or?’ You’d ask Jason who shrugs.

‘Let the boy have hobbies peanut, it’s not like he’s got anything better going for him right now.’ He replies, thinking that he should start coming to family dinners more if this was the end result.

Bruce might’ve looked the calmest out of everyone but internally he was cursing out Clark for stealing his future in law. He knew preferences exists and didn’t hold it against you, but currently he was in a disagreement with Clark over a recent mission and it had become a thing where the entire family didn’t dare speak or utter Clark/Superman’s name during this sensitive period.

Once Dick comes back to the land of the living, he’s practically hanging off of you screaming, ‘WHY?!’

Jason has to get involved and remove his brother off of you before he potentially scared you away from future family dinners, even though he himself barely attends any, but the moment you entered his life he wanted you to be more involved with the people in his life that cares about; whether he’d like to admit it or not.

‘They don’t hate me do they?’ You asked Jason by the end of the night, genuinely worried that his family might not like you after tonight.

Jason, noticing this, grabs your hands and grips them tightly in his and gives you a reassuring smile. ‘Babe I’m sure as shit they like you, I mean I’ve never seen them react like that before and if they didn’t like you, they would let you know immediately.’ He tells you, pressing a kiss to your forehead. ‘Besides, weren’t not a vocal bunch when it comes to our emotions. So seeing them get all up in arms over you preferring Superman and trying to persuade you into thinking otherwise was a highlight for me.’

‘Really you think so?’ You leant into him, still not fully convinced and needing his comfort more than anything.

‘Oh yeah. I’m for certain chipmunk. I think I even heard Bruce curse Clark under his breath once or twice.’ He tells you, pressing a kiss to your head as he holds you close.

‘But why? It’s not like they work with Batman, right?’ Your curious words caused Jason to stiffen and his breath to hitch as he tried to find the words before blurting out the first thing that came to his head. ‘No, they’re just…really devoted fans of Batman and Robin. So you could say that preferring Superman over them is a personal insult to them.’ He said, hoping you’d buy the lie, he genuinely didn’t want to subject you to the whole vigilantism so early on in your relationship.

Thankfully you did take the bait as you muttered into his shoulder, ‘okay, I hope they know I meant no offence but it.’ Jason let’s our a laugh, holding you closer to him as he closes his eyes to savour your bodily warmth against him. ‘I’m sure they do sweetheart, they’re the smartest people I know and they wouldn’t let something silly this affect our relationship.’ He said softly. ‘Now let’s go home and cuddle up in bed together yeah?’

‘That sounds like a great idea.’ You replied.

Dick: pouty baby.

What do you mean you don’t like Batman and Robin?! What did Superman have that he didn’t?!

For as far as Dick was concerned he has the fatter ass between him and Clark. He’s done the research.

He’s leaning all of his weight into you and says under his breath. ‘Why does my love betray me so.’ Meanwhile you’re looking at his confused as to why he’s acting as if you’ve just destroyed his lively hood with a single sentence.

Duke and Steph were patting Dick on the shoulder, sharing their sympathies with the revelation made at the dinner table.

Alfred left the room…again. First Jason’s partner, now Dick’s? What a coincidence.

Jason immeditly calls you his favourite and talks about how you and his partner -who also prefers Superman- would get along great while shit talks Batman simultaneously, almost as though he has a personal gripe with him or something.

Damian is sharpening his dinner knife…again but even more menacingly.

And Tim was back on the PowerPoint presentation where he goes into excruciating depths as to why Batman was statistically better the Superman.

The family is once again dissolved into chaos and Bruce was sat at the head of the table, calm, cool and collected but internally cursing Clark out once again for stealing another potential future in law.

(Clark has sneezed approximately twice at this rate and was taking every test to make sure he wasn’t coming down with anything serious)

After all was said and done and you were getting ready for bed, you asked the question that had been on your mind the entire night; ‘Your family doesn’t hate me, do they?’

Dick chuckled as he held you against his chest. ‘No, they love you enough to almost start a war over the fact that you like Superman over Batman and they’re not exactly the most in tune with their emotions. So seeing them react the way that they did? Only proves that they do like you cutie.’ He says as he gives you a peck on the lips.

You pouted. ‘But why does it feel like I just attached their lively hoods? It’s not like they know Batman or Robin personally or work with them in any capacity.’

Dick froze, he -much like Jason- didn’t want to subject you with the whole vigilante thing just yet, he didn’t want to scare you off so soon into the relationship in fear of scaring you away forever. ‘Devoted fans act like that whenever you tell them that you don’t like the same person as them.’ Dick replied, rubbing his hand up and down your back. ‘It’s an issue that should be regulated and or addressed at least.’

You hummed in agreement. ‘Well besides that, I like yours family, they all look like great people to know that have your back when you’re in a tough situation.’ You say as you kissed the side of his neck, nuzzling your face into his shoulder, feeling sleepy.

‘They really are.’ Dick replied softly. ‘They really are.’

[mysharona1987]

This doesn’t sound healing. Sounds like she’s almost mute and borderline catatonic at times following her ordeal.

[theneighborhoodwatch]

thoughts on the Eddie scene from the end of the commercial reel? :D

HAHA oh man. okay while i'm waiting on the results of that poll, i might as well answer this. thoughts under the cut:

so, this may be me being optimistic, but i actually don't think this is indicative of eddie being permadead or anything, and not just because i think it'd be kinda cheap to kill a character off this early into the story before we even got to really know them. rather, i think this is a pretty straightforward explanation for eddie's absence from the homewarming recordings: he spent most of the day in his office waiting to be called on, only got invited to the homewarming party once everyone else had wrapped up their shenanigans, and proceeded to disassociate so hard that he was borderline catatonic when frank managed to draw his attention away from whatever he saw when he looked beyond the veil - and it's implied that frank was the only (or at least, the first) person to notice his acute distress in the first place. in short, eddie's presence throughout the entire holiday of homewarming ended up being so inconsequential either way that he might as well have not even been worth mentioning. of course, if he is missing by the next update then like. egg on my face. but that's how i see it for now.

so, is The Void that eddie found himself in when he first opened his eyes real? i mean, certainly on some level, it must be. either it's the truth of the neighbors' world or it is simply true for home, since they were the only other entity there - and since home is at the center of their world, well...... . as for what the void represents - i feel like that's something we'll only have a clearer picture of once another character finds themselves in The Bullshit, but i can hazard a few guesses, the first and most obvious being that it's eddie accidentally piercing the veil by being just a little too OOC for the universe's liking, i.e. "silly mailman, you're the resident workaholic! you're not actually supposed to relax, that's just so this special can end!" the second interpretation - and one that i like just a bit more, if i'm being honest - is that it's a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy, or that distress over a deviation from the status quo makes one more susceptible to The Horrors.

hear me out: we know from the previous show scenes in the commercial reel that feeling useless or unneeded by way of having no work to do is a really easy way to get under eddie's skin, and his agitation over that was still lingering when sally invited him to the homewarming party. he's optimistic, yes - but very cautiously so. he's not used to it. something still feels a little wrong, which presents a prime opportunity for Something (home?) to wrap their arm around his shoulder and go, "buddy, you have no fucking idea." i remember reading a post that went something like "if a person goes from 1 to 100 seemingly out of nowhere, chances are they were at a 99 for a really long time, and they were just either hiding it or didn't even realize it." i think it's something like that. Something - home? wally? one of those two acting on the other's behalf? - sees this dissatisfaction, and in it, finds an opportunity to Make Them See. Make Them Understand.

something else i can't stop thinking about is that final shot of frank at the end. on the one hand, yes, it is very sweet how frank is willing to break away from formality if it means making sure that eddie's alright. on the other hand, though.... that shot of frank feels very idolizing to me. in the sea of red, frank is the one remnant of when things were fine and dandy for eddie just a few minutes before. he's in the center of the shot, and for that split second, arguably the center of eddie's world. they're even haloed by light, like an angel. again, whether they're in a properly established relationship by this point or if this is the beginning of their relationship turning from a playful flirtationship to something deeper, it's sweet to think that this is how eddie sees frank - as a refuge from The Bullshit. but i have to wonder... is eddie prepared for the possibility (or inevitability, rather) that one day, it'll be frank in that chair? given how frank likes things "just so," how is eddie going to react if, say, frank decides that the best way to ensure eddie's safety/wellbeing is to stay away from him? Many Questions Here.

[remembers that i suggested lower one's eyes as eddie's answer to frank's esperar pra ver once] [remembers that lower one's eyes is about a judas analogue being in love with a jesus analogue] [coughs up blood]

on that note, i know some folks think that at least some parts of "bug-a-bye and goodnight" are about eddie because "that's not the kind of thing you say about a bug!!!" but the thing about that is. it might not be what you would say about a bug. but it is absolutely what frank would say about a bug.

ok i'm done. For Now.

[cokoweee]

OH wow! Two updates in 24 hours! Okay I really wanted to dig into this, because there were so many things on just the writing and dialogue and I LOVE it!

These two panels were fun, because there is something soft in Kendra’s face. Nostalgia, affection…also the wet beads of water coming off her hair, since she climbed out of the bath….but I’ll continue this rant later…

This is interesting….We have seen Donnie borderline catatonic so this could be Draxum’s latent parental instincts not wanting to push Donnie just yet. (Or worried that Kendra might be a trigger?)

Though funny that this was what pushed Casey to reach out….I included a snippet from Replica…but…lol both you and Kat having Casey very particular about her male family members helping her out, is understandable

Heh…that’s rich, considering you are gonna have your own lizard children Kendra…not that you know that, I guess… Still this feels like a “tempting fate” line/foreshadowing. Mostly, because Casey insisted that the father is human. (I think?) But likely a jab at how Kendra calls her “Beast” all the time.

Ohhh…what is this trinket?! <_<

This is the face of someone who is either gonna pretend to be a toy or a child if Kendra gets pulled over XD

Okay this brings me back to my thoughts after the first image…Kendra likely had been thinking about stuff since her initial talk while fixing Yuichi’s arm the first time. However the “event” and Raph’s chat with her possibly had her start really mulling over it. We know Kendra has been struggling with her identity in the way of not belonging. She accepted she was an outcast…and possibly still considers herself an outcast. However with everything she has been doing: the training, modifying the jetpack, upgrading Yuichi’s arm…it certainly is setting this precedence. If Kendra doesn’t fit in this group’s mold by default, she is gonna make some changes so she does.

The past Kendra would never adjust to accommodate others. She is unapologetically herself. So why is she going through the trouble to make little changes…why does she want to properly ask Donnie if she can stay with him? Because when you love someone, you accommodate them. And not in the way, that you should change yourself for someone. However if there are traits that are holding you back, and it benefits you both in the long run, sometimes little changes are necessary. Kendra is changing, because she wants this. She may not know how her dynamic will change, but she wants it to get better.

And…I forget how I planned to wrap this up, but…. It is an organic way to bring happily ever after that much closer, and in a way that doesn’t compromise Kendra’s identity. Again, your writing and dialogue are amazing, and the way you pair it with your drawings makes some great storytelling.

Oof writing is such a struggle but considering I do hours of acting out dialogue both irl and in my head certainly do help. NOW TO ANSWER SOME OF THESE LIL SNIPPETS U SEPERATED but under a cut cause this is a bit long lol

Draxum is a weird dude to write for me but for me he’s another that lost almost his whole fam. He doesn’t wanna risk losing the last one that’s there even if they aren’t how they once were.

CASEY NOT WANTING DRAXUM ALL UP IN HER 🍰 IS A REAL! ITS LIKE UR GRANDPA/DAD/UNCLE SAYING THEYLL DO IT FOR YOU

That lil TrInkEt will be helpful later :D (I think. Please I haven’t fully thought this plan through)

You point out that she never would accommodate for someone else and yuh you’re right. Bitch would make others accommodate to her. This tho

“Because when you love someone, you accommodate them”

Idk how to word this, it’s pretty difficult to conjure up in my head words for this. For her it’s. She can’t see those feelings. Define them. It’s a case of extra caring without knowing why and it’s irritating. Like a fly u can’t kill. Or a butterfly. Pretty and you don’t want it to leave but also don’t want that big bitch flying all up in your face

[dairy-farmer]

Hi!

So, I love very very much sweet is the lullaby over your nest and I just want to know moreeee

Like, what do they do with the baby? Tim gets to live in the manor with his pack or he goes to another place? What are Damian's thoughts now that he knows his pack omega didn't want him bc of the loss of his puppy? What does Steph do knowing his ex boyfriend needed her and she took Robin away from him when he most needed her? What about Cass? Did she knew? And Dick, will he kinda step up now that he wants to change his relationship with Tim for the better?

answered out of order:

sweet is the lullaby over your nest is definitly on the more emotionally heavy end of the spectrum of fics ive written and i ended it in a way where i tried to communicate that the entirety of the family was going to be in for a REALLY bad time once everyone finally understood what had been happening.

tim is in a very precarious place, he's been distant from the pack for awhile so as for him staying in the manor or leaving i definitely think if i continued that would be the main conflict that would distressing the pack- the uncertainty of tim possibly leaving. because tim wants his baby to be safe, that's non negotiable to him. but if jason is coming around around the manor and possibly crossing paths with his baby then he'll up and leave if not to his own apartment then to san francisco. also tim likely still has lingering fears that maybe bruce will side with jason or that he might stake a claim on tim's pup. omegaverse legal fuckery means that bruce COULD essentially file for custody of tim's pup and tim has that in the back of his mind because bruce has loose moral and if he thought tim might leave them then he might file to keep danny in order to get tim to stay with them so that would be tim's fear during the fallout (that move would also probably be something bruce considers later on before someone tears into him, probably dick or alfred, for even considering it)

tim's pup is also going to struggle with some pretty severe attachment issues- he hasn't gotten a chance to bond, he's been in an orphanage until then, he has basically been emotionally neglected during a vital developmental time because there simply weren't resources to nurture pups after bludhaven. so there'd be some complex issues in store for tim where he greatly missed his baby and is desperatly attatched but tim's baby is scared and confused and maybe struggling to develop a bond with his mama and the instincts are making it worse and more confusing. so sad times for tim and his baby where they're desperately trying to form this connection years later after they were separated. all while tim is trying to make sure they don't get separated again.

for cass and dick their reactions can be summarized in a word: gutted. dick would definitely spiral terribly before forcing himself to get it together once its clear that bruce is borderline catatonic because bruce would NOT deal well with what he's learned at all. maybe he could twist his brain around enough to find excuses for jason's actions, for finding a way to say that jason was different from murders or mercenaries. but he can't excuse or ignore jason's actions with this, that he has to DO something about this, punish jason for this like how batman would demand he punish him. that if jason were a different cape, if he were a league member and this had been discovered then bruce wouldn't hesitate then but this? its an "ethical dilemma" of bruce's nightmares. if he punishes jason he might lose him if he doesn't he might lose tim, or maybe he'll lose both whether he does something or not. bruce is just trying to find a way to keep his family together but that's simply not possible in this case.

cass would feel gutted because she KNEW something was off about tim, knew he was in immense amount of pain but she'd chosen to leave gotham anyway. dick is ruined because his brother, who he'd been having a tense relationship with for over a year, had been raped, had had a baby and he he hadn't told dick. even before their relationship went to shit he hadn't told dick which meant that maybe their problems had been deeper and goingt on for longer than dick had realized. but tim had told him danny was HIS baby, he'd smiled at him so sweet and dazed and his scent brimming with joy.

even though things had been so rough between them he'd told dick about his baby, he'd SHOWN dick his baby and...dick has done wrong by tim. he's been failing him for a while, and clearly longer than he'd realized so when everything spills out dick is firmly in tim's corner because he's not messing up with him again. he's not going to make tim feel alone ever again, even if tim hates him, dick will be on his side. dick had messed up with jason, maybe that relationship had shivered a long time ago and there was no recovering it because he hadn't avenged him but tim- he can still do right by tim.

damian feels neglected, had for a long time because tim was an omega and BY INSTINCT that meant he should've been damian's caretaker. his provider. he should be the one defending and protecting him from other pack members hassling him, taking food from him, or attempting to harm him because omegas are the den keepers who protect the young, ill, and defenseless and tim hadn't. he hadn't done his job, he never responded to damian's pup cries and outright avoided him at times. he defied instincts to avoid caring for damian and so that of course created bitter feelings for damian, when tim had been disressed and clicking a clear call of 'pup! come to me!' and damian had responded, STILL he'd been brushed aside for what clearly held all of tim's affections. a younger, smaller, weaker pup. a pup that was barely weaned and the omega had chosen THAT over him. i don't think the pack would discolose to damian the circumstances, i think they'd try to shield that knowledge from him given his age but that would just lead to more problems and breed more resentment.

steph would also be in sort of the same boat as dick only that she'd been voicing her issues. she'd been upset and hurt that tim had yet to forgive her or even hear her out about her faking her death or anything from teh last year, she, like cass, had noticed tim had changed but had thought it was just HER he was treating like that. stephanie has a tendency to see things as being sort of her-centric so her realizing that she hadn't been the root of any issues, that she probably hadn't even been a thought for what tim had been struggling with and that tim likely hadn't had faith or trust in her for A WHILE since she hadn't known anything about this would definitely put her a weird limbo over everything.

the situation with jason is definitly complex. because jason is in a situation where one of the things he considers to be the most deplorable things a person can do is now something he's guilty of, out of his mind or not that was still HIM. maybe some weird primal version but still him that was capable of and did that. jason has always been, to an extent suicidal after becoming red hood, if not passively suicidal. coming back to life and coming back in a way he could just feel was WRONG fucked him up in ways he never really adressed, he just distracted himself from it. learning this definitely sends jason down a very dark place mentally. i think once everything starts spilling out jason leaves, doesn't explain himself, doesn't deal with the fall out he just leaves to put distance between himself and try to figure out what to do. i do think jason wants to die after learning what he's done. i think the level of revulsion he'd feel and the hatred he'd feel towards what has occurred would do something to him. jason doesn't believe rapists deserve second chances, he doesn't believe they can be rehabilitated or fixed and he doesn't believe they deserve to live. i do think maybe the only one that could maybe reach jason though his mental spiral would be roy. maybe dick calls roy because he knows jason might do something though he wasn't sure what. that exchange would definitely be a tough one once roy found him holed up somewhere. roy at that point would be trying to argue against jason's own self-destruction. i have thought about how their exchange would play out but its a tough piece of dialogue to really pin down.

jason saying how if he were anyone else, if he were just some random fuck from the street standing on a ledge that that roy wouldn't be trying so hard to talk him down, that he might even goad him to do it.

and roy doesn't deny that. he admits it. but he also admits that jason is different from other pieces of crap. that he tries to leave places better than he found them, that he has empathy for people that are otherwise discarded.

i think that roy's history with drug addiction and his path to recovery, him struggling with his own feelings of self hatred and the person he was would let him get to jason when he tells him that self forgiveness is bullshit. that thing he's read in self help books and pamphlets about learning to forgive your self are worthless to people like them. because roy knew that 'forgiving' himself for fucking himself up so bad wasn't what he needed. forgiveness felt too permissive, like he was basically giving himself a pass for the shitty things he did and the people he hurt and the things he did that he could never take back or fix. roy lays it out for jason and tells him that he owes it to the people he wronged to spend the rest of his life making up for it. even if it makes no difference, even if they never want to see him again- that's his punishment. he doesn't get to die and let himself off easy, he has to work.

the situation with danny would also be difficult but the one thing that jason and tim agree on whether they know it or not as that neither of them wants danny to know what he came from. jason has seen how fucked up kids produced from rape are, the way the light in them just...dies when they realize what they were born from. and tim knows that too. he knows the statistics, he knows the impact it will have on his pup's mental health and wellbeing at knowing. so for his sake, jason learns to swallow back this shredded pain at his chest when tim tells an older danny that his father is dead.

i don't think that jason would want the pup to know him or view him as a father. i think he'd find it disrespectful to tim especially since tim wanted nothing to do with him.

i think jason would always be in the background, trying to make up for something that's impossible to make up for. doubling his effort to keep gotham clean and safe so that tim's pup doesn't have to worry about getting snatched off a playground or felt up by a dirty cop or any of the things that jason saw or went through as a kid.

i think he'd try. just smelling him that one time left jason struggling with his emotions and instincts and everything. whenever tim would be out or around gotham jason would leave the city to give them space, he''d be in an airport and see stuffed animals and toys and things that would've called to him as a kid and..in weakness he'd mail them knowing that tim would probably throw them out but just not being able to fight the need to...provide something.

he stumbles a lot in this new life purpose of seeking to repent. he offends tim by offering him money, angers him by sending clothes, makes the mistake of trying to talk to tim about things that don't relate to their caped duties because tim does continue to cooperate and work with jason he just won't allow any talk of his pup and the fact that tim continued to work with jason makes everyone and especially jason uncomfortable because it just feels wrong.

everything following the reveal is definitely complicated and difficult for everyone involved and its something that would make for a very long fic to do it.

but like i mentioned in the notes i think after years and years and tim's pup grows up to resemble jason in more than one way i think its possible that maybe when tim see jason the first thing he feels isn't hatred. i don't think its ever quite indifference either i think its sort of an 'okay. this is how things are.'

depite being tagged jaytim i don't think it ever can really bloom to that, just too much hurt and pain is tied up in between them. i think if jason ever developed feelings he'd hate himself for them and if tim ever developed feelings he'd be distressed and have sort of a deep mental distress over it. i think it would distress and freak the two of them out too much. them having a pup together however also ties them together in a way the two of them can never really untangle. maybe its why the two of them never really feel comfortable getting mates or siring other pups. tim because danny's birth was deeply traumatic to him in a way he never fully processes and jason because "starting a family" and playing at happy family feels too much like he'd be mocking what he did.

in a way titans tower continues to haunt them for the rest of their lives even if danny grows up happy and better than they ever thought they were each capable of.

i think both of them struggle deeply with it, both of them wish more than anything that it had never happened but at the same time see this sweet and happy child and feel twisted and conflicted about it.

the tragedy for jason and tim is that the only person who can really understand their pain is each other

[nxtt2-u]

⏤ the moon doesn’t mind masterlist ࣪ ⤹

yang jeongin has never been favored by lady luck. the stars practically write it out for him the night his mother abruptly dies at the ripe age of 15, leaving him borderline catatonic in his grief. when he’s discarded by his village to the deep woods for his notorious hybrid lineage, you discover him on the brink of death and introduce him to a new life. as you go through hardships alongside your new companion, you don’t expect for the simple camaraderie to blossom into something more — however, you’re delightfully proven wrong as the years pass.

꒰ yang jeongin + fem!reader ⏤ wc tbd ꒱ series

༄ series info & warnings !! strangers to lovers. fantasy & anachronistic au; witch!reader, fox hybrid!jeongin. slow burn romance; angst, fluff, & eventual smut ⋆ each chapter may contain sensitive topics & will have their own warnings – read at your own discretion.

✉️𓂃 ࣪˖ reader is described to be 5’8 with long hair and a muscular body. she’s 2 years older than jeongin. there’s no description of her ethnicity, though she goes by the fake name jeong chaewol, meaning ‘peaceful bright moon,’ to hide her identity (rest assured, it’s rarely used).

chapters જ⁀➴ the first chapter is expected to arrive in late september/october. taglist for this series is open.

2024 © nxtt2-u on tumblr. do not steal, repost, or edit.

[acapelladitty]

Around The Water Cooler

Summary: Working at Arkham Asylum, Dr. Jonathan Crane crosses paths with a certain Dr. Harleen Quinzel as they begin to see the other as they truly are.

(My half of an exchange with the absolutely delightful @cooldreamyfox who requested some Scarecrow & Harley having some back and forth in Arkham Asylum.)

Fic Masterlist /// Link To AO3

Taking a hearty gulp of the freshly poured coffee which sloshed its way into his mug, Jonathan fought a grimace at the thoroughly bitter taste which stained his tongue. It was the cheapest coffee the arkham staff were willing to collectively chip in for and it had definitely long overstayed its welcome within the cheap pot which housed it.

It had been a long day and the shitty coffee really did nothing to improve his even shittier mood.

"If it's that bad, why not just bring your own in from home?" A soft voice chimed in from his side and Jonathan turned just in time to see Harleen Quinzel pouring herself a healthy cup of coffee from the same pot.

Well, healthy to a point as she essentially only half-filled the mug before topping it with a frankly ludicrous amount of creamer and sugar, the final result looking more like a milkshake than anything resembling coffee.

Unble to hide his distaste for her concoction, Jonathan sniffed at the simple suggestion as he forced another acrid sip down his throat.

"I put twenty dollars into the coffee committee at the last collection. I will see that I get my moneys worth out of it before I admit defeat."

"Okay, tightwad." Harleen laughed, but unlike many of the others her laugh was one which encouraged him to join in with her rather than appearing more directed towards him. "So how's your day going, doc?"

"Three appointments with paranoid schizophrenics and one with a borderline catatonic patient who, despite my repeated warnings as to the possibility, chose to relieve themselves on the carpet rather than engage with any attempted therapies."

"Yowch. That's a hard day." Harleen grimaced, rolling her palm across her blonde hair to ensure it was kept tight to her scalp until it flared up into a sensible ponytail. "My day has been a little better than that. I've finally spoken to Dr. Mair about being assigned to the new Joker case."

"Is that so?" Not quite recalling asking how her day was, Jonathan didn't mind the information as Harleen was one of the few of his colleagues to have some personality to her that amused him when it came out to play. "And why would a junior doctor be so determined to be assigned to such a high-profile case? Lots of room for failure."

"And lots more for potential gains. This case could make me."

Leaning on the counter of the staff room worktop, Harleen held Jonathan's eye with a fearlessness which made his lips quirk into a smirk. Having never worked directly with her, he had heard rumours from the others of her ambitions and her ability to get ahead where others seemed to fail.

"Make you academically or make you millions? The rumour mill is ablaze with the potential of a tell-all book from one Miss Harleen Quinzel showcasing her work on such a notorious case and ones like it."

Harley to her credit, didn't flinch, but a blush crept high onto her cheeks and refused to shift as she narrowed her painfully blue eyes at him.

"And who's been saying that?"

"I don't indulge in workplace gossip."

"Hmm," Harley smiled and the curve of her lips held danger within them, "then you won't be too upset if the rumour mill starts to whisper of strange and spooky goings on in the solidarity wing? Lots of patients there seem to be experiencing similar difficulties."

Heart skipping a beat even as his face betrayed nothing, Jonathan tightened his grip on his coffee as he met her angry expression with his own cold gaze.

She couldn't know about the experiments.

He had covered every track and only selected patients who were unreliable narrators at the best of times. He had even limited his use of his developing toxin to ensure that it would not appear in any drug screenings.

"The solitary wing?" Jonathan asked, his expression stony and unyielding. "Not my department. If you have concerns then you should take them to your team leader."

"I would rather discuss them with you." Placing her cup down on the unit, Harleen stood to her full, if unimpressive height, as she made her point. "I don't see a good reason to bring anyone else into this. Do you?"

"Very professional of you, Miss Quinzel." A trickle of relief touched at the suspicion which stiffened his spine and Jonathan made the split decision to drop all pretence. "And what do you want? I'm not much of a dancer and this back and forth boxstep is tedious. You clearly possess a similar ethical code to my own so speak your mind and let's be done with it."

Her eyes flashing, Harleen took the sudden coldness in her stride - appearing unsurprised by the change.

"I want your support in being assigned to the Joker case. You have the respect and power which I don't have yet and if you give the say then the others won't have shit to stop me on."

Her ambition radiated from her like an aura, her blue eyes narrowing into something almost predatory as her plump, reddened lips widened into an inviting smile. Suddenly more interested in her than ever, Jonathan took in her angelic appearance - only now seeing the devil which lurked just below the surface.

Very interesting.

"If I give you the endorsement you're seeking, then I will expect something in return. My experimental work within the solitary wing would be easier facilitated with a second body able to sign off and manage certain documentation."

It was an offer, the only one she was going to get if they were to come to an understanding and Jonathan watched her expression smooth out as her mask slipped back into place.

"Of course, Doctor Crane!" Grinning widely, Harleen snatched up her coffee cup once more and inclined it to him with a coquettish wink. "I would be honoured to help out with your work. Get me in that room and you can count on me."

Without anything else to say, Crane peered down at her with his hawk-like gaze and attempted to ignore the nagging voice in the recess of his mind that told him she was too much of a loose cannon to be counted on.

[ghost-bxrd]

You know, just read that prompt about Timmy quietly accepting his own death at Jason's command...

I kinda want the opposite.

I want a furious, yelling, fighting Tim, with a major broken pedestal as far as Jason is concerned.

Okay, he can get why Jason blames him, for taking the Robin suit. And maybe Bruce deserves a bit of it too.

But what he absolutely can't and won't forgive is Jason going after Dick. Especially since Dick forgives it so readily, since Dick is the one pleading for forgiveness.

Tim was there. He saw what Jason's death did to all of them. And he can't believe Jason would ever doubt Dick, that Jason would turn up to hurt him worse.

Tim being like... "You know, all the time I was trying to keep them from killing themselves, I kept telling myself, telling them, that you wouldn't want them to hurt like that. But you wanted it, didn't you? Want it. You never wanted them to heal. You never wanted them to move on. Maybe, if you had come back then, come back when B was trying to get himself killed, when Dick was catatonic curled up on your grave and trying to starve himself to death, maybe you'd have been happy at last? Or would you have decided that isn't enough either? Not enough punishment for not making you his absolute top priority for once, just once, in his life?"

And Tim going "I hate you. But I'll pretend to love you, because everyone knows Dick will choose you anytime. And I daren't leave him at your mercy."

I want post-Red Hood Jason working to earn Tim's forgiveness and trust again.

Oh yes, that’s also an interesting take! And one that (I think) comes closer to how he would react in canon. Tim is a spitfire and we love him for it 💚

And while I definitely want to explore this version of him eventually, I think it wouldn’t tie into how the Owl Song verse is set up.

Although if Owl Song does get its continuation, I think there would be some struggling on Tim’s part. Not for himself (never for himself) but for Dick and Bruce. A struggle to make Jason understand that nobody ever wanted to replace him.

In this universe, Tim wouldn’t be able to scrounge up the anger that would result in him hating Jason. Jason did too much for him to do that. He brought Tim into the family fold. Without Jason, Dick would have never accepted him. Jason, though it wasn’t his intention and he genuinely loved Tim, built the stepping stone that resulted in Tim becoming Robin.

Because any other kid trying to be Robin after Jason? Dick wouldn’t have stopped his mad pursuit for anything. Tim having “hatchling” status (ie family) is literally what saved him.

If you look deeper than surface level, the Owl Song verse is pretty twisted in its own way. And Dick could very quickly become a real monster if nobody keeps him grounded at least somewhat. With Jason gone and Bruce being someone Dick now borderline despises— yeah, it’s very lucky that Jason met Tim in school and went “must protect” and had Dick pick up on that. 🦉

[part-time-zombie]

Logan really wasn't concerned about the dark sides at all, huh?

Like he never once questioned their intentions, cowered at their presence, or insulted them at all. I think he may be the only light side to have treated the dark sides fairly since day one. Sure, if remus was acting up in a way that was detrimental to Thomas's health, or if janus had a flaw in his scheme or ideals that made his plans ineffective, or if virgil was exaggerating something to the point of panic, he would solve the problem, but he never saw the dark side AS the problem itself.

Looking back at all of the times logan had his first on screen encounter with a dark side, he never seemed to judge them.

When virgil first appears around logan, he is obviously startled, but mostly because he had just been in the middle of another discussion with the other sides and was taken off guard by him.

He quickly recovers and tries to bring the topic back to where it was, while the others get defensive and want virgil to leave. In fact, logan was only slightly peeved at virgil here only because he had distracted the others from listening to him, which he was already getting sick of anyway. But logan never lashes out at him.

When janus first appears, virgil immediately becomes hostile even though the others have yet to catch on to what is happening. He is outright hateful towards janus, and the others are scared of him.

Logan on the other hand, seemed to have known for much longer, and didn't appear to have been too upset by it. In fact, he didn't hesitate to start casually talking about janus as if he was no more interesting than the weather, had he not been silenced first. He wasn't bothered by him at all, and held no hatred towards him.

He didn't seem concerned even when remus attacked roman with a mace, just kind of miffed that he was making such a ruckus. Everyone else was either screaming or borderline catatonic for most of the video, but logan hardly flinched. He knew that this was just the result of too much repression for too long, and resolved the issue without insulting or otherwise attacking remus at all.

Logan is more accepting and open minded towards the dark sides than almost any of the other characters, and I'm trying not to think that it's because a repressed, ignored, shunned part of himself can relate to them and how they've been treated.

[its-time-to-write]

Hi y’all! This is my last unprompted angsty fic for a little! Gonna go back to our usually scheduled hijinks that are sitting in my request pile, I wanted to do this one first. I write all these as a way to deal with things that happen in my own life, whether it’s stressing about school and work, stupid romance, great romance, family, health, whatever, and I wanted to say (yet again) thank you for all the support. Sometimes I still can’t believe that you all like what I write but hey, there ya go

It’s funny, because my most popular fics are the ones that have been written directly out of my actual life. The ones that start out hard-to-deal-with, or with real, palpable heartbreak. The endings are often different because real life isn’t guaranteed a happy ending, but I’m allowed to take the past and see what it would be like if things went differently.

My characterization of Jamie is based on the only person I’ve ever really loved, which is why I can write his voice so clearly. I first watched Ted Lasso and was surprised at how similar they were, stupid hair and all. A lot of these fics are my way of archiving our story and immortalizing parts of it, as well as reminding myself that the love was there. It didn’t last and it wasn’t supposed to, but it was there.

Now, what’s real and what’s fiction? I’ll leave that up to you to decide, but I will say that it’s more than you might think and less than you might hope for.

So if you read this current fic and think, “huh, that was a really specific premise,” well I got news for you! It is. I’m in the first part of my journey on this, the early stages, and this story is not the way I want things to go for me. But I’m hoping that by creating a good ending out of a rough beginning, I can better face whatever lies ahead for me whether I approach it on my own two feet or with the assistance of some really sick wheels.

Anyway, enjoy this or skip it, it won’t hurt my feelings!

how to love being alive

Jamie’s at training when he gets the call. He barely registers the words on the other side when he’s cursing something awful, enough to make Roy Kent blush, and saying something about an emergency before speeding out the door. He pauses for a moment to look up an address in his phone, then he’s tearing out of the parking lot in a manner that puts Colin to shame. 

To summarize, he’s not acting like himself. 

He pulls up to a chiropractor of all places and the girl at the front desk must be able to tell who he’s here for because she just points to a door down the hall. Jamie’s pretty sure he’s never moved this quick in his life and wonders if this could translate to the pitch. Sure he’s fast, but he could always be faster. 

He bursts through the door to see you borderline catatonic, staring at the floor while a doctor pats your arm. She looks at Jamie and says, “Let’s chat for a minute outside,” before he has a chance to say a single thing. Jamie can’t tear his eyes away from you as the doctor leads him out and shuts the door. 

“Thought emergency contacts were for like, hospitals and shit,” he says. 

The chiropractor shakes her head. Jamie notes that her name tag says “Dr. Hadley,” and has a vague memory of you mentioning her a few months ago. 

God, it feels like a lifetime ago. 

“We’re not confident she’s in a fit state to get herself home,” Dr. Hadley says. “Her headspace is a little messed up, which is to be expected. Usually people come to these types of appointments with some moral support.”

Jamie asks, “What kinds of appointments?” and Dr. Hadley tilts her head at him. 

“You are Mr. Tartt, aren’t you?” she asks and Jamie just scoffs because he can’t decide between responding obviously, or telling her no, he’s not Mr. Tartt, that’s his father. He’s just Jamie. 

Dr. Hadley knows who he is because she doesn’t live in a hole in the ground, so she doesn’t ask for identification. She takes his scoff as permission to keep talking, so she says, “She’s here for her MRI results. We’ve been in the process of treating a protrusion on her spine.”

Jamie is positive everyone in this office must think he’s on drugs because Dr. Hadley is talking like he’s supposed to know this, but for the life of him he knows you’d never said a thing. 

“Your girlfriend has been in a severe amount of pain over the last few months, and we’ve finally been able to see the extent of the problem. Apparently she thought it would just go away, but it never did. So now she’s here with us.”

“She’s not my girlfriend,” Jamie says automatically. Because it’s true, innit? You’re not. You’ve been broken up for a month because he couldn’t take it anymore, couldn’t take the irritation at attending his matches and the tossing and turning in bed at night and the fact that you were wound so tight that you’d snap at the most minor offenses. 

You hadn’t been surprised when Jamie said he couldn’t do it anymore, it’s over, and at the time he had wished that you’d shown just a tiny sliver of emotion. After all, a year and two months is a long time to be with someone for you to coldly slide him his key and then turn away as though he were a stranger. 

He could have sworn there was a glimmer of tears in your eyes, but they’d looked that way for a bit now so maybe it was just allergies. There’s no reason for you to have been in the verge of tears for the entire month before the breakup, right?

Right. 

But he can’t think about that now because Dr. Hadley is frowning at him in a way that so comically reminds him of Roy’s sister that he has to bite back a laugh. 

Everything’s all twisted. 

“I certainly hope your split was amicable,” Dr. Hadley says. “You’re the only one listed as her emergency contact. She needs someone to get her home safely.”

“Right,” says Jamie. “Yes. Fuck. Right. Um, what exactly is wrong with her?” 

Dr. Hadley shakes her head. “That’s her personal information to share with you at her prerogative. And we should probably go see her, I’m sure she doesn’t want to be alone for long.”

Jamie snorts at that. This doctor doesn’t know you at all. If you’ve received any type of bad news the last thing you want is people hanging around. 

Jamie used to pride himself on being the only one you’d let into the bad-new bubble. 

You don’t count with those other people, you’d said once while wrapped around Jamie so tight he thought he’d have to call Ted to bring a crowbar. You said, I don’t have to pretend around you. I don’t ever get tired of you.

Jamie bitterly thinks that that statement turned out to be a lie, but he shakes it off because you’ve only been separated a month, and apparently he’s still your emergency contact for a doctor he didn’t know you had been seeing and fuck if you didn’t look like the most pitiful thing he’d ever seen. He’ll pretend it’s ok for as long as it takes to get you home and comfortable, and then he’s calling this office to get his number switched off. 

So he follows Dr. Hadley back into the room as she softly says your name in order to break whatever trance has you studying the carpet like your final exam is in ten minutes. 

You can barely look at her as she whispers something about going home and being gentle, to which you nod and finally look at Jamie. 

He wonders if you recognize him, because the stare you have is so vacant that you might as well be looking at a stranger. 

“Is she on drugs?” he asks because it looks like you’re on drugs. 

Dr. Hadley shakes her head and holds out her arm to help you up. “No, she’s just in a lot of pain. And emotional distress. It’s a killer combo, and she’ll need extra gentle handling for a while. No sitting for too long, no bending, no lifting. There’s a back support at the front desk for you to take.”

Jamie thinks he hears something pointed in the way Dr. Hadley says, extra gentle. What, like he doesn’t know how bad an injury can take you out? He’s in the Premier League for fuck’s sake. He knows how to deal with a strained muscle. 

Dr. Hadley transfers your arm over to Jamie’s so smoothly that he barely understands what’s happening as she ushers you both out the door, thrusting a small foam roll into Jamie’s free hand. 

“For lumbar support,” she says. “Won’t help much, but it’s better than nothing.”

Jamie’s pretty sure he’s said thanks as you climb in the car and then he’s in the drivers seat and it’s dead quiet. 

“Right,” he says to the silence. “What the fuck.”

You’re picking at your nails something fierce. Jamie has to fight the urge to take your hand in his. A month of separation is not long enough for this shit. 

“Can you just drive?” you ask in a broken voice. “I don’t want to be sitting for longer than I have to.”

There’s a new pitch in your voice, one Jamie’s never heard before, so he doesn’t argue. He doesn’t turn on the radio or a playlist or a podcast or anything, just drives in silence. He knows if it’s quiet long enough, you’ll talk. 

He’s the opposite. He doesn’t need time to crack wide open, just a kind touch or a soft glance and he’s an open book. He was always shocked how early into your relationship you’d figured that out. A soft, “What’s on your mind, Jaim?” and he was unloading about whatever stress or fear he had. 

He’s two minutes away from your flat when you break the silence. “I have gradual onset paralysis,” you say in a voice devoid of emotion. “‘Gradual onset’ means it happens over time. Paralysis means, well…paralysis.”

Jamie can hear what you’re saying and he understands it, but what catches him is the way you’re like nothing more than a hollow body. Not cracking a joke, not picking a fight. Just- empty. 

Jamie says a long and drawn out “Fuuuckk,” because what else can you say? It’s not really his business to comfort you or to pry, except he’s the one the doctor called, so he allows himself one question. 

“How did it happen?”

Last he knew, you were healthy as a horse. 

“Two disks in my spine popped,” you reply, still in that same awful emotionless voice. “They’re not really sure how, could’ve been any number of things. Anyway, it got into my nerves. And my spinal cord. And it’s messing things up and it’s only going to get worse. The scans were to see if they could operate, because sometimes you can remove the shards. Or whatever it is. But I guess they can’t, because if they tried I’d definitely be paralyzed. So all I can do now is be in pain and wait for my legs to shut down.”

Jamie doesn’t know how to respond to any of that but he’s saved from thinking of an adequate response because he’s at your flat. 

It was smart of you not to sell it when you’d moved in with Jamie. He wonders if you knew the breakup was inevitable. 

He hops out and opens the door like a gentleman, offering his hand like he’s some Mr. Darcy-type shit, except you had both agreed that Roy was Mr. Darcy and he was Bingley. So it doesn’t fit at all except as soon as you’re done clutching his hand so you can get out without unnecessary pain, his hand flexes itself like he’s in that damn movie. 

It wasn’t even a conscious choice, just a thing his hand decided to do, and he definitely thinks he’s going to have to talk to Ted about this. Or maybe Sam. Sam knows shit and is good at empathy. Maybe he’ll know what to say when your ex-girlfriend tells you she’s not going to walk ever again. 

Jamie follows you to the door as you fiddle with the lock and push it open with a sigh. For a moment he doesn’t know if he should go inside, but it smells like honey and cinnamon because it’s the beginning of fall and he thinks that he should at least make sure you’ll be alright. 

He notices you’re moving weird. All stiff, like. You’re trying to get an icepack out of the freezer but you can’t maneuver in a way that’s comfortable so Jamie grabs it and hands it to you. 

You mumble, “Thanks,” and Jamie catches a glimpse of the perpetual glimmer in your eye. 

“D’you need me to call someone?” he asks. “I can get Keeley down here. Or fucking… Ted. Or Colin.” He doesn’t say Sam, because he needs Sam. He can’t talk to Sam if he’s here with you. 

You shake your head. Jamie wonders if it hurts to talk, but he remembers how much you hate the sound of your voice when you’re crying. 

You take a slow, shallow breath to collect yourself. “I’m ok,” you finally say. “Not much anyone can do, and you’ve got training. I- I didn’t know they’d call you. I still have to switch your number with someone else. I’m probably going to ask Keeley since my family’s still far away.”

“Right,” Jamie says. Not much else to say. Except- 

“You were seeing that bone doctor when we were together, and you didn’t fucking say anything?”

It’s accusatory and he knows it, but he can’t for the life of him say it kinder. Ted’s always on about communication and shit, and that is not communication. 

You shuffle over to the couch and use it to help you lay face down in the floor. The icepack is precariously balanced on the small of your back. 

“Didn’t know how to tell you,” comes your muffled voice. “Least, I figured out how to tell you too late. What was I gonna say, ‘Sorry I’ve been a complete bitch to you for four weeks, I’ve got shit floating around in my spine that makes me hurt so bad I want to die?’ Sounds fucking stupid.”

Jamie wants to say, Swear jar because it’s a long-standing joke, but he catches the words right before they reach the tip of his tongue. 

“You could’ve said something,” he replies instead. “Chronic pain’s shit. It’s really shit and it makes you act like shit to the people you care about. It’s not an excuse, but it’s a reason.” As the words are coming out of his mouth, Jamie is reminded of a time when the roles were reversed, and you were giving him the “excuse versus reason,” speech. 

You’d said, You’re dad’s an abusive prick, Jamie. Makes sense that you’d have a lot of negative emotions. 

Fuck, if only you’d said something sooner. Maybe this would be something that you’d be cracking jokes about, or Jamie would be holding your hand, or he’d be laying right next to you as he runs his fingers through your hair. 

But your muscles spasm so that thought gets banished as you bite on your forearm in an effort not to yell. 

“Fucking hell,” Jamie says. “I don’t think you’re sorted on your own. I’m calling Ted.”

He walks to the other room so he can pretend he can’t hear your protests. 

—

Ted leaves training to Roy, Beard, and Nate. What’s the point in having four coaches if one of ‘em can’t leave for family emergencies?

Sure, you’re not actually family, but that’s Ted for you. He doesn’t do casual friendships. 

Jamie is out the door like a shot as soon as Ted knocks with a “Sorry, coach,” that Ted barely has a chance to wave off. 

Ted doesn’t say much once he’s inside, just rambles on about training and Kansas and Henry. He’s clattering around in your kitchen and you can’t find it in yourself to care what he’s doing so you just keep laying on the floor, willing your back to stop hurting. 

Finally, he comes over and sets down a smoothie in a short glass with a straw. 

“It’s so you can drink it without moving,” he explains. 

“I don’t think I can do this,” you say more to the couch legs than to Ted.

He sighs from where he’s crouched down next to you. “You don’t really have a choice, darlin’. You have to do this. The question is, are you gonna go through it alone?”

You shrug as best as you’re able. 

“Wrong answer,” says Ted, standing up. “You’ve got a whole crew of people here who are gonna root for you and support you with whatever you need. All you got to do is ask, sweetheart.”

Ah, fuck, you’re crying again and Ted can definitely tell because your shoulders are shaking. He’s pretty sure you’d want to save face so he stands up and says, “Beard’s coming over after training. Says he wants to figure out how to modify your house for a wheelchair or something. Thought I’d make us all dinner so we’re not so hangry when he mentions taking an ax to anything.”

The mental image of Coach Beard chopping down your stairs is enough to make you smile a little through your tears.

—

Waiting is really shitty. Like, really shitty. Every day is the same thing: tingly legs, shooting pains, phantom cramps. The worst was when Dani and Richard were over and you stood up to get something from the fridge, and your legs decided at that moment to lose feeling. You panicked with your arms held out for balance as you swayed back and forth for a moment, willing your feet to fucking move. They did, but not before Dani and Richard were on you in a flash, ready to catch you if you fell.

“Well that was weird,” you joke in an effort to cut the tension. They laugh, but you still catch their worried glance.

“You do not have to put on a brave face for us,” Dani says. “If you want to joke, we will joke. But if you want to cry, we will cry too.”

“You can cry,” Richard says, “I will just pour more wine.”

You laugh. There’s been a steady stream of Greyhounds at your flat for the last week and a half. Everyone and their mother (quite literally) has come by to see you. Your own parents were coming in a week to stay indefinitely while you sorted things out.

You wonder if it’s easier to lose control of your legs slowly or all at once? On the one hand, you at least have notice. But on the other hand, the long, drawn-out waiting feels like slow torture. Every day you wake up from restless sleep and experimentally wiggle your toes. Every day, you check off one more box on your mental calendar as you count down to a date that doesn’t even properly exist.

The only person who hasn’t visited is Jamie. You don’t blame him, though. Keeley’s come round almost every single day and has been successfully switched to your emergency contact. She’s the one you’re calling as soon as you discover you can’t move.

You’re pretty sure it’s getting closer. Your legs fall asleep more frequently and things are all numb. It’s like you know you’re in pain, but it’s not quite registering with your nerves.

It fucking sucks.

—

You don’t believe in intuition like spirits and all that, but you believe in it in that your brain can pick up things that you couldn’t if you were actually trying.

That’s why you’re pretty sure this is it.

Walking is pretty much a no-go right now, so you stiff-leg yourself to the couch and sprawl out as comfortably as you can.

You call Keeley, and she’s over in no time.

“Hi babes,” she says as soon as she’s through the door, “Can I call Rebecca for girls’s night?”

“Sure,” you say, “Might as well live it up.”

Keeley replies, “Great! She’ll be here in ten minutes,” and you laugh, really actually laugh, because of course Keeley’s already called her.

Rebecca swoops in all smiles and no sympathy which is great because if one more person pushes their lower lip out at you, you’re going to scream. She’s brought drinks and Keeley’s pulling out snacks and you’re going to talk and giggle until you fall asleep, ready for what the morning has.

“Is Shandy making a move on that one player?” Rebecca asks Keeley from the couch. 

“Nah,” Keeley calls back, “He said he wasn’t interested right now. Still hung up, I think.”

“What player?”  you ask. You know what Shandy’s like, and you feel for the poor guy.

Rebecca and Keeley are silent before Keeley says, “You wouldn’t know him.”

“Bullshit,” you reply. “I know everyone on that team and I know you haven’t signed anyone new recently. Is it Colin?” 

Rebecca shakes her head and gives Keeley a look. Keeley shrugs. “You’re the one who brought it up, babes.”

Rebecca turns to you. “It’s Jamie,” she says. “She’s been trying to bag him ever since Zava showed up.”

You shake your head. “She’s not right for him. He deserves someone better than that.”

Keeley’s back from the kitchen and scrutinizing your expression. “And what exactly do you mean by better?” she asks.

You laugh. “Oh no, not me. I wasn’t talking about me. No, I’m not- he needs someone different. Like, I don’t know, Roy’s sister, maybe? She’s great and a doctor to boot. Very caring too.”

“You’re caring,” Keeley says slowly, “And anyway, Molly doesn’t like him like that. They’re just friends.”

“Hang on, are you putting yourself in the same bracket as Shandy?” Rebecca interjects.

You shrug. “I was a complete bitch the last month we were together. There’s no excuse for it. I’m just surprised he lasted as long as he did.”

“You were in fucking pain!” Keeley exclaims. “You said you weren’t sleeping and everything fucking hurt and you couldn’t even think straight.”

You grab a handful of candy from a bowl. “Keels, I appreciate the sentiment, but I majorly fucked it. Like, there’s no going back. So he can date whoever he wants as long as it’s not fucking Shandy. Can we please, please move on?”

Rebecca’s eyes are narrowed but they both acquiesce. “Keeley, what about your love life? I’m sure it’s boring as usual.”

Keeley shrieks and smacks her with a pillow. “Fuck off,” she replies. “I’ll have you know it’s going very well…”

—

You were right. You wake up still on the couch tangled in Keeley’s arms, and the standard toe-wiggle just… doesn’t happen. It’s quiet, the early morning type, the kind where the sunlight isn’t so harsh and birds are chirping softly and all of Richmond hasn’t quite got up to begin their day. 

As you look at your unmoving toes, the first thing you feel is a rush of relief. The waiting’s over, you think. 

You look over to the wheelchair that’s been leaning patiently against the wall all this time. Here’s the first day of forever. You’re in no rush for it to start, so you let Keeley’s little snores and Rebecca’s heavy breathing lull you back to sleep. 

—

It’s definitely a learning curve. And it’s frustrating. And if one more person catches you crying out of sheer rage, you’re going to start throwing things. But like Ted said, you don’t really have a choice. 

Your mom said, “The only way out is through,” then grinned at the murderous glare you shot her way. She opened her phone and pulled up a picture of you, age three. “Same lovely expression as always,” she remarks cheerfully. That cracks your frown. You always were a funny kid. 

It takes a while to figure out how to get places. Keeley (the absolute angel) volunteered, but she’s busy with the PR firm and quite frankly, a little too delicate to help you into a car. You made the mistake of saying this exactly one time and because subject to a rant about how she’s “not weak, just PETITE FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!”

Roy had punctuated her argument with a couple “That’s fucking right, babe"s all while rolling his eyes behind her back. It made you giggle. 

The general consensus was that at any given reasonable hour (or unreasonable if you’re Richard or Bumbercatch) a Greyhound or coach would be able to get you where you’re needed. And today, that place is Nelson Road. 

“How often does Jamie come visit?” Jan Maas asks, straightforward as ever. 

“Um, never,” you reply. “We broke up, remember?”

“Right,” agrees Jan Maas. “We all know that, I just assumed you had gotten back together.”

You laugh. How absurd. “And why on earth would you assume that?”

“Because he talks about you all the time,” comes his prompt reply. 

Huh. That’s interesting. You haven’t received so much as a single emoji from Jamie, but hadn’t thought a thing of it. But this, this is strange. This does not fit into your idea of how broken up people act. 

“Weird,” you say. “Wonder what the fuck that’s about.”

Jan Maas shrugs and moves to lift you from the car. 

—

It’s weird to be at Nelson Road, number one because it’s been FOREVER, number two because you’re eye-level with all sorts of things you’d never noticed before (ahem, part of the wall Roy kicked that no one cared to patch up), and number three because the last time you were here, it was as Jamie Tartt’s girlfriend. 

Jan holds open the door as you roll in, ready to face whatever lies in wait. 

It turns out whatever is a very excited Ted and Beard as well as a neutral Roy who present you a coaching jacket and a whistle. 

“You’re coaching with us today because that little rat bastard Nate went to the dark side,” Beard says. 

You remark, “Tell us how you really feel,” earning a snort from Roy and a chuckle from Trent Crimm. 

“Oh yeah,” Ted says, “this is Trent. He’s writing a book.”

“Cool,” you say, “but you do know I know jack shit about coaching?”

Beard shrugs. “Neither do we. Worked out pretty well so far.” That earns another snort from Roy. 

“Right,” you say. “Well, I guess I’m up for anything.”

“You mean ‘down,’” says Ted. “Oh I’m sorry, is it too soon?”

“Never,” you reply. “It’s never too soon to make trauma-related puns and this world, it’s either laugh or cry. So fuck it, I’m going to laugh.”

“Fuck yes,” grunts Roy before turning on his heel to yell at the team to GET THE FUCK ON THE PITCH YOU LITTLE PRICKS!

—

You don’t do much except sit there and watch as the coaches yell and point and run drills. It’s a chore to remind yourself not to check out Jamie’s butt as he runs by so you start thinking not yours, not yours, like a mental mantra. 

He’s not looking at you so you won’t look at him and you’re sure it won’t be a problem because there are so many people to look at and talk to, except lunch rolls around (haha) and you sit at the head of a table and Jamie’s on the bench right next to you. So. There goes the no eye-contact plan. 

You take exactly two bites of your sandwich before thinking fuck this and pushing yourself back so you can roll away. You can just take the elevator to see Becca. 

You’ve made it a good way down the hall when you hear Jamie calling your name while saying, “Wait,” so you move a little faster. 

But it’s still new and you’re painfully reminded that arms are not legs so he catches you with ease. 

 “The fuck are you running away for?” he asks, and you want to point out that technically, you weren’t running. Metaphorically though, he’d be right. 

“I’m not running,” you reply. “I was just going to see Rebecca.”

“Bullshit,” he says. “I know you, and that was running. Is it because of me?”

“No,” you say, and you realize how much you’ve been looking up today. Your fucking neck needs a break so you rub it and look straight ahead, past Jamie at a life-size decal of O’Brien on the opposite wall. 

“Why would I be running away from you? You’re not- I’m the shitty ex in this situation. I’m the one who fucked things up, Jamie, so… you don’t have to like, pretend that it’s your problem. I actually think it would be better if you were just mad and avoided me instead of whatever the hell is currently happening.”

Jamie rubs his jaw. He should be exasperated, he should, but instead the gears in his mind are turning. A few words stick out to him and then it’s like the final puzzle piece has clicked into place. 

“Hang on,” he says slowly. “Hold the fuck up. Did you mess things up on purpose?”

The moment the words are out of his mouth he wants to take them back and apologize, because there’s no way they’re actually true, except you have a look on your face that can only be described as guilty. 

“Fuuckkk,” Jamie breathes out and you hurriedly interject, “It wasn’t intentional! At least, not at first. It started because I was irritable because I hurt a lot, and then I convinced myself that I was faking it so I got mad at myself for being a little liar. And then I couldn’t sleep because I hurt so bad and everything was making me uncomfortable so I started snapping at you. I noticed it pretty quick so I figured I’d get the pain checked out and sorted because I didn’t think pulled muscles were supposed to last this long. And it turned out that it wasn’t a pulled muscle but some of my disks were all weird, and then one day in between physical therapy and the chiropractor, I fell on my back and jostled everything wrong and it fucking popped.”

Jamie thinks he knows exactly when that was. He remembers you saying something about falling while walking to your car after work and him asking if you needed ice. It was at the tail end of things, and he’d taken your stiffness figuratively as opposed to literally. Like, you were acting all cold because you hated him, not because you couldn’t move. 

“So,” you continue, “I just leaned into it. I mean, Dr. Hadley was only one of my doctors, but she’s the one who told me I- you know, could end up like this. She said if things popped and it got into my spinal cord or fluid or whatever and they couldn’t get it out, it was only a matter of time before it messed everything up. They only way to stop it at that point would be to not move so either way, I end up stuck.” 

You half-sob, half-laugh. “I didn’t know how to tell you and I could tell you were already annoyed with me so I just decided to let it happen. You’re better off without me, anyway. I hate asking for help and I hate when people give me empathetic looks or what-fucking-ever, and I was going to have to ask you for a lot of help. You don’t even fucking have time for that, Jamie.”

Jamie is at a loss for words, and you’ve run out of things to say. 

You stare at each other in the hallway by the elevator, breathing heavily. You’ve both triggered each other’s fight-or-flight response, and it seems you’re both down for a fight.

“Right,” Jamie says finally, “ok, yeah, ok. You didn’t tell me because you didn’t want me to have to deal with this?”

You nod. 

“Right,” he says again. “That’s fucked up.”

You don’t respond and he looks at you closely. “You know that’s fucked up, yeah?”

You shrug. 

“Jesus, babe.” Jamie runs his hands through his hair. He’s going to have to fix his headbands. “Alright,” he says yet again, “look. Dr. Sharon and me- we talk. And, you’re supposed to be able to talk to people about shit like this. Like, me playing football isn’t supposed to mean I don’t have time for the people I love. And if you’re feeling that way or if you’re hurting, you have to tell me so I don’t think you’re being all pissed off because you hate me. That’s the whole point of love, babe. You take care of each other’s shit.”

“Jamie, I can’t get places easily anymore. I can’t drive and I can’t go up steps. I will never be able to storm the pitch to kiss you or walk with you in Brazil. I get mad really easily because everything’s so fucking frustrating and I just want to punch something.” You shake your head. “You don’t deserve any of that. You need someone who can be there for you and isn’t a total pill to be around.”

“Are you fucking trying to push me away?” he asks.

“Yes!” you exclaim. “Obviously!”

“Well fucking don’t. You almost had me the first time, but good luck getting rid of me now.”

“Fine!”

“Fine!”

“For fuck’s sake, just kiss,” groans Will, walking by with an armful of laundry. 

“Fuck off, William!” you both say in unison and then Jamie’s on one knee, eye-level with you and brushing a thumb across your chin. 

“Fucking hell, love,” he breathes. “You have to remember that you can talk to me, yeah? Just promise you’ll remember.”

You nod, unable to speak. 

“Good,” he says. “We’re giving this another go. And if you can’t kiss me on the pitch, might as well do it here, yeah?”

[trashdragon4]

Having incredibly Jason Todd flavoured thoughts in regard to Toi Dericottes poem “Speculations About “I””

I read this poem in class the other day and immediately thought ab my boy Jay. So i finally sat down today and messily vomited the below words into a document, please enjoy.

Heres the poem link: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrymagazine/poems/90292/speculations-about-i (in case u want to read it normally, as it is a banger of a poem)

Ok, so I feel like this is post death, early resurrection. This is Jason borderline catatonic, wandering the streets of Gotham having just dug himself from his grave, begging for the only safety he’s ever really known. This is Jason in the hospital, desperate for a comfort he’s unaware he ever had (Bruce, his dad, he's sorry, he's sorry, he's sorry).

This is post Lazurus pit, with the league, with Talia. Jason is hardly more conscious than before, but sometimes he feels things now, the adrenaline of a fight, the hot sharp pain of a blade, he’s something closer to alive. But he’s a mere observer in his own body, and he hardly ever observes (he doesn’t want to see the carnage).

He’s gaining control now, battling the Lazurus pit, gaining consciousness as well. He doesn’t know where he ends and it begins, and he’s not sure if cares, if he should care.

Who is he now? What does he remember? He clings to those fragments, however painful they are and are becoming, because they are all he has left of himself, of Bruce, of Robin. In a way they are still shaping him, they are the tools Talia wields to carve him into what she needs him to become.

The Lazurus pit, it stifles what remains of him, pushes it deep down, he lets it, helps it even. It’s easier this way. Now all he has is the anger, and the stories he’s been told, they fuel it.

A memory, his childhood, he found himself, in his first life, in the grime of crime alley. He grew up in the filth and abuse and neglect and he loved it despite it all because it was familiar, a comfort, he loves it still. He hides this piece of himself amongst the scattered fragments of his mind.

Sometimes he wonders if he should’ve stayed dead. He thinks that maybe it would be better if he hadn’t clawed his way up from the dirt, if he had crumpled up like so many others on Gotham’s streets, if Talia hadn’t found him. He’s here now though and through the poison he lets her feed him he plots. Memory and musings will do him no good, so he will let them fall away.

The prodigal son returns. Except not really, he’s back in the physical sense and he’s trying, trying so hard to do what no one else will. He will be the saviour to all those his Father couldn’t (wouldn’t) save. He’s building a new safer home from the ground up, brick by brick. He’s in control for the first time in years and then he’s standing on that rooftop facing Bruce His Dad Batman with a gun in his hand and a countdown on his wrist and he didn’t see the batarang coming but it slices through his throat and he can’t breathe.

He is not the Jason of his memories, not the little bird who thought Robin was magic. He is the cage that little birds get trapped in.

Internal conflict, the fragments of himself are locked in opposition, he does not know who to trust, what to do, how to move forward.

He has broken the one unbreakable rule he was raised with, over and over and over, and he will do it again. It wasn’t that he wanted to kill, he wanted someone to protect him. No one did. He will protect himself now, protect everyone that needs protection. And so he clips the little birds wings.

This is all he is, no matter the justification. His survival is not one to be celebrated, and as far as he’s aware it hasn’t been. He is life at the cost of life.

He has failed everyone he has ever cared for, broken every promise to them that he made. Bruce, His Mother (both of them), Alfred, Dick, Babs, everyone. He never cared enough to promise himself anything.