#bro you’re a MINISTER

[fingertipsmp3]

The amount of people who seem to enjoy spending time with a lot of people for a long period of time baffles the shit out of me man

[nobodyfamousposts]

How would the doll's react to the whole Krang situation and would they feel their possession thing similar to akumatization and try to enter the prison dimension with the horse to wreck their already wrecked lives? Or would they comfort the turtles for all the trauma the Krang caused them?

Mmm...a bit of both. The Dolls want revenge, but they of course want their Ministers of War friends to be healing and comfortable.

...whether they want to or not.

(In the med bay, post movie events. The bros are still somewhat injured and in various states of bandages.)

Raph: (Sitting still)

Littlebug: (Pats a bandaid on the hole in his shell)

Raph: Thanks!

Littlebug: (Pats his shell)

Chaton: (Hugging Mikey)

Mikey: (Hugging back) Thanks lil guy! I feel better already!

Donnie: (Scanning Mikey and Chaton) I should hope. He’s absorbing the remaining mystic power from your body left by your attempt to open the portal.

Mikey: …so my fever is going down?

Donnie: Sigh. Yes.

Mikey: You’re my lil nurse buddy!

Chaton: (Purrs then hiccups)

Mikey: Wait. It doesn’t hurt him does it?

Chaton: (Becomes increasingly jittery)

Donnie: Like a sugar high apparently.

Chaton: (Ready to face smack some meanie-flies!)

Mikey: Wait—no.

Donnie: …maybe we should send him back to his mother and let her handle it?

Littlebug: (Also wants to face smack some meanies)

Raph: No. Your Mom would kill us if anything happened to you.

Littlebug: (Huffs because she wouldn’t be in any danger! She would just throw some things from far away!)

Raph: No.

Littlebug: (Just a few pebbles? Pleeeeeeease?)

Raph: And just how big are the pebbles?

Littlebug: (Side eyes a pile of fist-sized rocks before moving in front of them to hide them from view and making an inch gesture)

Raph: Yeah no. Let’s just leave the Krang where they are.

Littlebug: (Looking very unhappy)

Mikey: No really! You don’t have to do anything! The Krang are…err…

Leo: They’re in Time Out!

Littlebug: (Frowns but acknowledges that Time Out is a big punishment)

Leo: That’s right! So they’re all in time out so they can think about what they did. And they’ll be staying there until they’re sorry and ready to apologize.

Donnie: Which would likely be never. (Is hushed by Raph)

Leo: So let’s maybe give the Horse Miraculous back to Mama and not worry about making any more portals to prison dimensions?

Littlebug: (Nods in acceptance)

Mikey: That’s right! We should be more focused on Leo's injuries.

Leo: Wait what?

Mikey: The bad guy beat him up pretty bad.

Dolls: (Eyes widen and look at Leo in outrage)

Leo: Guys, I’m fine! Really!

Littlebug and Chaton: (Hug Leo)

Leo: Mikey, I just got them calmed down!

Mikey: Don’t worry! Leo was only trapped with a killer alien in an inescapable prison dimension for ten minutes!

Dolls: (Hug more fiercely)

Leo: But I’m fine now, really! Just some bruises and scrapes. Give me a week and I’ll be back on my feet!

Mikey: After sacrificing himself to save the world knowing he would be trapped forever with the killer alien with no escape!

Dolls: (Gasp)

Mikey: And letting the killer alien beat him up and slam him into concrete after having sent his beloved brothers away from the fight so they couldn’t help him!

Dolls: (Cling to Leo, teary-eyed) 

Leo: …you’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you?

Raph: Well, that's one way to keep them out of the Prison Dimension...and Leo in bed.

Leo: Like you can stop me!

Raph: Are you reeeeally gonna move and upset the Dolls that very clearly worry for your well being?

Leo: (Looks down, realizing he'd have to move the Dolls to get up)

Dolls: (Look up at him, puppy eyes)

Leo: (Gasps and looks at his bros) You planned this!

Mikey: (Winks)

Raph: You're a horrible patient, Leo. We'll take whatever advantage we can get.

Donnie: I agree with Raph. Mostly so I don't feel guilty.

Leo: Betrayal! Betrayal on all sides!

Raph: You can get over it after you REST, Leo!

Leo: (Huffs and leans back in bed, arms crossed) ...I’m gonna milk it for ALL the croissants now.

Donnie: You can try.

Leo: AND I'm having them bring Camembert!

Mikey: NO!

Raph: Leo!

Donnie: Don't you DARE!

[brendanbrissonswh0re]

THE WEDDING

That’s part 1⬆️

Y/N POV

I’m getting my makeup and hair done right now and I’m so scared to the point where I’m shaking Thomas’ girlfriend Ava who is also my bridesmaid notices this and says “y/n it’s gonna be ok just relax” “Ava it’s kinda hard to relax when I’m gonna get married in 2 hours” “y/n claim down he loves you no need to be nervous” “right sorry” I know Ava was trying to help but her pep talk only made me more anxious. At this point my hair and makeup is done, I sent all the bridesmaids out the room so I can change into my dress, I put my dress on and looked in the mirror as I tried not to cry i really can’t believe I’m about to get married to the love of the life, my whole life is about to change for the better. I walk out of the room so the bridesmaids can get the first look. “Oh y/n you look beautiful” Ava says “girllll you look hottt” Nolan’s girlfriend Kennedy says which makes me laugh, the rest of the bridesmaids just look at me in aww “ I can’t believe I’m about to get married you guys” “ well believe it girl” Kennedy tells me.

NICKS POV

I’m looking in the mirror adjusting my suit before I feel a pat on the back from my groomsman Nolan “dude your about to have some good sex today” he says laughing “ew Nolan” I responded he puts his hands up In defense before saying “just sayin bro” Brendan comes and smacks Nolan on the back of the head before he says “dude don’t be gross” “bro why is everyone attacking me right now” Nolan says before he gives Brendan a light shove. “Alright you two break it up” Thomas says before he walks over to me “ you got this bro, just imagine how pretty she’s gonna look in that dress” that puts a smile on my face.

Y/N POV

The wedding is starting and I’m so scared as the bridesmaids and groomsmen are walking down the isle I get a little peak of Nick,he looks so handsome as soon as I see him all my nerves float away and suddenly I’m excited to get married. The music starts to play as I’m walking down the isle in my beautiful white dress up with flowers on it I look up at nick to notice he’s crying. When I get to the altar he whispers in my ear “baby you look so beautiful I can’t believe you’re about to me mine” “Nicky I was always yours” our conversation ends when the minister starts to talk (skip all the boring talking stuff) “Nick do you take y/n to be your wedded wife in sickness and health” “I do” “and y/n do you take nick to be your wedded husband in sickness and health” “I do” “I now pronounce you husband and wife, nick you may now kiss your bride” as we kiss I hear cheers from all the hockey boys. “GET IT CAP” I hear Nolan say, that brings a smile to face before nick and I both laugh.

At the reception

Nick and I sit down for a bit before it’s time for our first dance as we enter the dance floor we get cheers before our song starts to play ‘say you won’t let go’ by James Arthur as we’re slow dancing nick looks at me and says “god baby your so beautiful” “you look so handsome Nicky” I say before I kiss him “so how does it feel to finally be a blankenburg” “it feels amazing,I’ve waited for this moment my entire life, Nicky you’ve actually made my dream of getting married come true” he giggles a little bit, god that giggle I love that giggle I could listen to that giggle forever. “Well I’m glad I’ve made your dream come true mrs.blankenburg” he says before giving me a wink “well thank you for making my dream come true mr. blankenburg” bye the time our conversation is over the song comes to an end. As I walk back to our table nicks mom walks to him so they can have their mother son dance, as Nick is dancing with his mom mark estapa comes and sits in the seat beside me “so when are you and cap gonna have a kid” “not any time soon mark I already have to take care of you guys” “ wow you are the team mom now hm” “I guess it’s official now” I say laughing “so can I call you mom now” “mark go back to your seat” I say giggling “got it mom” he tells me, I just shake my head. Nicks walks back over to his seat and smiles at me before he puts his arm over the back of my chair “what was the convo with estapa about” “ I don’t even know I think he’s already drunk a little bit” nick laughs before saying “I wouldn’t doubt it” the food is getting served right now and it’s probably the best food I’ve ever ate. After everyone eats it’s time to cut the cake, we decided on a small cake just because our wedding isn’t that big. After everyone is done with cake the DJ starts to play music, I look over at nick and say “yeah mark is definitely drunk, look at him, he’s absolutely destroying the dance floor right now” nick looks at mark before laughing and saying “ oh my god we got to cut him off” “yeah definitely” are conversation gets cut off my Matty coming up to us “congratulations you guys, y/n you look beautiful as always” he says before giving me a wink. “Matty I’m a married woman and your still trying to flirt with me” I say as I laugh “well is it working” “no Matty it’s not working” nick decided to ignore it because he could tell Matty was drunk. Matty walks away from the table as nick speaks up “wow why is everyone drunk right now” “I have the slightest idea Nicky” I say as I lean my head down on his shoulder, nick gives me a kiss on my head. At this point we’re just watching the wedding die down, soon enough mostly everyone leaves besides the bridesmaids and groomsmen they stayed to help up pack up the wedding. About an hour later the wedding is packed up and nick and I are off to our hotel as we walk in I see a gift bag I look inside the bad to find a bunch of white Lingerie and a note “I hope you two have fun tonight- Kennedy and Nolan ” Nicky come look at this” nick walks out of the bathroom and stands behind me looking in the bag before saying “ well Kennedy and Nolan spent their money on this we can’t just let it go to waste” he says squeezing my butt before kissing my neck “now go get changed and put on a fashion show for me baby girl” needless to say Nolan was right we did have a good night in the bedroom.

Hope you Guys enjoyed this ☺️ i feel like this is definitely one of my better works!! If you enjoyed this plz like and follow me!!

[rewritingcanon]

ok here are some of the revised one-part melbourne hpcc play highlights (part two yah) in an attempted chronological order:

part one

part two

the whole dark wand dance was such a fucking knockout everyone was popping their whole pussy to it. i wanted to twerk.

polly chapman also had a cute little bob in this era. i don’t know why they changed wigs for her but i guess she’s emo in the dark world

craig was carrying this big ass book and when scorpius went up to him trying to ask where snape’s classroom was he squeaked and tried to HIDE BEHIND THE BOOK like twice 😭 he only emerged to sideye the shit out of scorpius for being weird

when scorpius was talking to snape and snape was writing on the class board, i was close enough to see what he was writing and it was mostly random scribbles but he did write “E=mc?” 😭😭 bro is doing the calculations

ravager ron 🥵🥵 (aka hottest mf in the hpverse idc idc)

also snape was the biggest comedian ever? bro did not care if he was dead in the other dimension, he just started immediately roasting hermione and ron because ofc he has to

remember when i said scorbus mirrors romione? yah well they do it again with the dementors with ron and hermione fighting beside each other, and scorpius having albus emotionally fight beside him (as he will confess to him in the owlery later)

snape didnt tell scorpius who hes giving up his kingdom for but asked it instead, and scorpius said “im doing this for albus i-i think” boom timeline change

scorpius went to tackle his dad in a hug after returning from the dark world but he was dripping wet so draco just thrust out his cloak in between them to protect himself lmfao

he was like “daaaaddd 😆😆😄😙😯☹️ aw ☹️” nah draco was not gonna get water on his valentino white bag for anything

yann starting the fuckinng gossip

yann doing a fucking backflip over the staircase to spread more gossip

and i was sitting on the side a bit and could literally see matt holly who acts as yann run up a disappearing staircase and just leap off into the darkness of the wings 💀 idk if every yann is like a fucking stunt man or just this specific one

james and karl comforted rose when mcgonagall started lecturing hermione about the time turner by saying her kids didnt exist

rose looked like she was about to cry for the entire duration of the scene and hermione looked so ashamed of herself as well. which when you’re up close u can see how the bg characters are still acting, and it made their hug at the end of the scene all the more meaningful

meanwhile scorpius the whole time hermione and harry were being roasted by minerva was enthusiastically emoting like 😗😨🫢 bro could not believe the headmistress was just flaming the minister of magic like that

also when craig, karl, yann, rose and james were listening to mcgonagall… idk this was really minor so it COULD be a coincidence but when mcgonagall focused her attention on albus (because she was flaming harry and hermione first for a while) and started with “albus you were very brave,” james put his hand on the rail and leaned in closer to listen, like he was smushing his face against the rail trying to listen when it involved albus and idk. i thought that was very cute if that was purposeful

then the fucking owlery scene. omfg the owlery scene. the gayest ass place in the school for these nerds.

scorpius told albus in the owlery that (its literally a fucking love confession atp) he’s been doing everything for him and that he makes him stronger and was fighting alongside him and albus was like “y-yeah? 👉👈🥺” and then scorpius was like “yeah” and he leaned in and then ALBUS LEANED IN all very hopeful and then scorpius ruined it by saying “AND saving cedric wasnt a bad idea” COMPLETELY oblivious smh. which made albus flinch away and scratch his neck all sheepish and very adorably embarrassed. but basically it was a near kiss. and i’m not over-exaggerating just because i like the ship, albus wanted to kiss that boy 💀💀

(in this moment i also realised that albus literally only really laughs around delphi and scorpius. and he only really goes soft and quiet with scorpius ☹️)

then delphi comes in and literally plants herself in between al and scorpius… which is an interesting choice of placement

and scorpius sideyes her as aggressively as rose was sideyeing him at the start of the play lmfao i’ve never seen this boy look so disgruntled before

delphi actually screamed in delight when she betrayed scorpius and albus. like she shrieked and it was echoing as the scene was moving and fading to black it was SO GOOD

ron’s voice is like gruff and low and stuff mm (when he said “oh shut up will you” to hermione when trying to propose 🤭)

hermione also spoke in a specifc tone with ron when shes scolding him. like its lower and really fast. an example is when she said the “ronnotnow” moment when hes picking on dracos ponytail 😭😭 she’s so funny bru

ron getting down on one knee and saying “marriage renewal 🥰” with empty ass hands

ginny walked in on ron and hermione making out and then hermione got all flustered and did a little run up to draco and slapped him on the shoulder 😭😭 and he flinched too… you know that man still remembered her punch in third year

albus got down on all fours as soon as delphi turned her wand onto scorpius after he said “do your worst.” he literally BEGGED delphi to not hurt scorpius before she started torturing him. and then he was full on crying when it did happen

delphi taunting al by saying “if you want to stop me from hurting your FRIEND then do what you’re told.” and the emphasis on the word ‘friend’ was really taunting and sarcastic bc SHE KNOWS. it’s literally a fuck you to the ridiculousness of the queerbaiting in the og and i love it

ofc the change of albus’ weakness going from “friendship” to “LUVVVVV” (the actress had fun emphasising the queerness of it all i swearrr)

when draco, harry, ginny, ron and hermione are all in delphi’s room trying to find evidence of her identity, draco cuts hermione off by bellowing “SPECIALIS REVELIO” and then nothing happens. nothing happens. then ron goes “MUMBALIS RRRREVVVELIO” really dramatically in a thick accent to bully him 😭

ron is constantly bullying the shit out of draco for the entire play lmfao and the delivery is so fucking funny. draco cant say nothing either because he knows he deserves it deep down 💀

scorpius and albus’s hostility towards that one scottish station master on the platform was absolutely wild. albus looked innocently confused but scorpius cant mask for shit. bro was giving him a bombastic confunded look as he was speaking, leaning in to hear him better and staring flabbergasted at bro as he walked off 😭😭 14 year olds are brutal gawd

idk this might be the usual case for every cursed child play, but tom russell played both james sr and james sirius which insinuates james sirius looks like the og james which is so …

harry looked so small in the scene with dumbledore and him in his office and very boy-like. the positioning of the stage made it seem like harry was still looking up at dumbledore for guidance and when he started crying it just seemed like he needed a father mannn. phenomenal acting but bro 😭😭😭

and dumbledore looked so in pain too, and so GUILTY and because paintings are “nothing but paint and memories” makes it mean that dumbledore had felt that guilty and pained about treating harry like that in real life 😭 kill me now it was just a horrible time for everyone

all the drarry shippers deserve a medal for predicting that draco’s canon way of comforting harry or being nice to him is to literally just insult him more 💀 bro comes in and sees harry sobbing and just stands there like “my son said i was head of magical law enforcement in the other reality 🧍‍♂️ maybe this will be my office one day🧍‍♂️”

it makes it even funnier if youve read the script and know that the next direct line is a stage direction saying “harry is consumed in his grief”

when draco took out the time turner he owned to show harry he was like “yeahhh 😏real gold 😏😏 just the way the malfoy family likes it 😙” HELP

scorpius facing the audience, talking very softly about how he and albus should lean over the baby (harry), and so they both do, and then scorpius just starts screaming “HELP HELP HELLPPPPP” over audience members omgggg 😭

“it might traumatise the baby slightly 🤔”

scorpius got so excited about albus’s plan with the blanket and love potion that he tried to do a cartwheel and landed flat on his ass 😭

scorpius said “theres a rumour bathilda bagshot believed in never locking her doors” and then opened her front door with his bum 💀 he just playfully sticks it out on her door and he nearly fell inside bc it actually opened

ginny’s actress deserved an oscar for her scene with harry in albus’ room… like she was actually sobbing and shaking and yelling at harry, it was such a powerful scene for her character as a grieving sister and a grieving mother too. only scene that almost made me cry. katie jean-harding. remember the name fr

cue me pissing myself and just completely overreacting when the crew went to godric’s hollow and harry, hermione, ginny and ron were all talking about the dreary memories there and draco was just geeking out over how the houses had thatched roofs and that theres a farmer’s market 😭 his whole face just lit up when he spotted the market lolll he’s def thinking about a holiday home there or sum

get you a man (ron) who will hold a grudge (against draco) for you (hermione) for decadesss because of the things he said to you in your youth (very loyal husband material… hermione fr the smartest hp character, she saw the vision)

albus and ginny just throwing themselves onto each other and hugging and then harry just jogs up to albus, stops himself, and excitedly pats his shoulder

draco saying “we can hug too if you want” and scorpius slowly reaching out to him like the uppies meme

after the chat with ginny in the church in which ginny tells harry that albus needs to feel specific love from him, and albus was explaining the plan to defeat delphi, he says something like “and we should do this because do you know what im good at? polyjuic—” then harry yells behind him wayyy too loudly “I THINK THERES PLENTY YOURE GOOD AT ALBUS” and they all stare at him and ron just gives him a big thumbs up

and later when harry is trying to convince draco to go along with the plan to transfigure himself albus butts in saying “you should trust my dad, draco because he won’t let us down” and harry gets SO happy from it he and ron literally high five and he does a little jump in the background

also scorpius was constantly looking at draco when harry was talking about transfiguring himself into voldemort and it was fucking priceless. scorpius was so animated in his expressions he was literally staring at his dad like 😨 whilst draco is silently watching the whole encounter like 😐

when ron said “blimey theres two of them” when referring to scorpius and hermione, it literally had scorpius’ face LIGHT UP, hands over his mouth, and his posture straightened. i find it so cute how much he idolises hermione!

when harry turned into voldemort everyone flinched a step back except ron who went like “bloody hell! 😯” love him

the dramione scene was so minor, but it’s probably the biggest dramione moment to happen between the two of them in the entire hp series so im actually so surprised dramione shippers dont talk about it

breaking it down: draco says “im being bossed around by hermione granger” and theres a silence in which ron stops and looks at him very threateningly. then draco says “and im mildly enjoying it” with this big flirty ass grin on his face 😭😭😭 and then hermione has to HOLD RON BACK AND DRAG HIM AWAY LMFAO

draco the only type of guy to shoot his shot at a woman in front of her husband and his motherless son 💀💀

the fight scene with delphi and harry (+co) was hottttt and i dont mean in an attractive way but in the sense that it was literally fucking sweltering like i could feel the hot ass fire on my face as they were throwing spells at each other. i dont know how the actors could simply just cope on stage

albus was hiding behind ginny during fight scene with delphi and she was holding him close behind her. idk if it was because he hid behind her of his free volition or if she dragged him behind her but it was cute asf either way

when voldemort walked down into the middle aisle he stopped randomly and started staring at this random poor woman for a moment 💀

im sorry i know it wasnt funny but when everyone was witnessing voldemort kill lily and she was heart wrenchingly screaming “NO NOT MY BABY” voldy was like “step aside u silly gal 🙄” i fucking shat myself omg 😭😭 he’s so unserious 😭😭😭

and then they’re back at hogwarts and everyone’s having a good time after bearing witness to all this trauma and what do you see? - polly chapman trying to fight THE minerva mcgonagall by boinking her with a big ass textbook. rose had to intervene and stop her 💀 girl wanted all the smoke

the last scorbus scene. oh my gawd. people talk about this but not in enough detail so i WILL QUOTE IT for you because i remember it by heart (and i also wrote it down immediately after the show ended so my memory was fresh). i haven’t seen people actually quote it so far so maybe i’ll be the first (unless someone else has already done it and i just didn’t see it), because people are literally missing out if they don’t go see the play themselves. it is a bit long and i dont want to make an already long post longer so i will leave it here if you’re interested in scorbus at all

but also, if you go read it, just take into account the way they’re speaking to each other. ive seen the play a total of three times, twice in two part and once in the revised one part and you can just tell it’s romantic from the way theyre talking to each other. the actors know what theyre doing

and ofc the coming out scene between albus and harry with albus saying “scorpius is the most important person to me, and he might ALWAYS be the most important person to me” and harry saying “i think thats a very good thing”

also not to brag but during roll call draco looked at me 😻😻 and ron looked in my general direction (he was smiling at the people in front of me because i think he knew them personally since the first three rows are like VIP (sorta) tickets and not open for general public sale but it was close enough)

anyways those are my notes! if youve read this much im impressed by you fr

[scorchieart]

Pumpkin Pun-king

Genre: Comedy

Warnings: No pumpkins. Yes puns.

Characters: Leon Dompteur & the Rhodo-bros

Wordcount: 700

Prompts: Masquerade & Talk Exclusively in Puns Potion

A/N: My gift for the 2022 Ikemen Flash Exchange over on @flash-exchange for the awe-inspiring @violettduchess (my Leon-debt to you from summer has been paid 😌)

It is with a certain degree of excitement that the coming of Autumn brings upon its arrival to Rhodolite. It is the time of year that renews the spirit of fellowship. People flood the streets in teams, carrying displays and food and drink, all in preparation for the annual festival held in the town square. Neighbors pick up the mantle of friendship for the occasion, and the brotherly sentiment wafts around like the aroma of a freshly baked apple pie, even reaching as high up as the insurmountable bulwarks of the castle.

Indeed, even the Noble Beasts will take part in the festivities this year.

Though, it would be remiss to say that all eight have nary an inkling of how to participate. The eldest brother made appearances over the years for jolly merriment. And the youngest partook in every celebration since moving to the capital, managing his own honey stall where he displayed an array of hand-crafted concoctions for the public. 

Then there was the middle brother who slipped out from the watchful eyes of ministers and guards for a respite with the townsfolk. They say Rhodolite is known for its proficiency in the arts, and Prince Leon turned absconding into an artform. It wouldn’t be a stretch to say that he was most knowledgeable in the customs of the fall festival, and it is with this assurance that the princes allowed him to lead the roundtable meeting discussing their participation.

“And they’re going to spice things up,” Leon said after drilling through the basics.

“Pumpkin spice?” Yves asked excitedly.

“Not that kind of spice, bud. There’s a theme this year: Masquerade Under the Moon.”

Clavis’s hand shot in the air. “But how will I enjoy everyone’s reactions to my potions if they’re hidden behind masks?”

“We vetoed that idea,” Nokto said. “It’s safer to stick with Luke’s honey stand.”

“Nice pun!” Luke high-fived Nokto while Clavis crossed his arms.

“Agreed,” Leon said, “but Clavis makes a fair point. Why don’t we have our own bout of fun, too? We could start a game. First one to find all seven others behind the masks wins a prize.”

“What sort of prize?” Chevalier cocked his eyebrow, and Leon smiled at his interest.

“How about a day off?”

“Found you!”

“Aww, guess I lose. Way to go, Yves!” Jin laughed.

“Maybe if you weren’t stuffing your face you would have had a chance,” Yves scoffed.

“And how am I supposed to eat these pasties with my mask on? Besides, I’d be happy if any of you won.”

“Really?”

“Well, maybe except Clavis. I wonder how he’s doing,” Jin said.

“I saw him.”

Yves jumped at the pale white mask speaking behind him, but sighed in relief when the wearer lifted it to reveal Licht’s gaze. “Found you both.”

Jin handed him a pasty which Licht gobbled thankfully. “But you won’t like what I saw Clavis doing. He’s passing out his potions.”

“What’s the damage?” Yves cried.

“Nothing major. Mostly sneezes and hiccups. But he slipped a special one to Leon.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jin asked.

“He said it was cheese-flavored.”

The three faction members searched the festival high and low, meeting and questioning folks about the whereabouts of their possibly endangered leader. 

They found Luke at his honey stand, who said Leon stopped by and told him “I swiss I knew about your honey years ago!” Soon after they ran into a mulling Nokto, who said Leon found him and said “You’re cheddar off without her, bro.”

Frantic, the three doubled down their efforts, praying Chevalier wouldn’t react brutally in the face of a bad cheese pun. But the warm feeling of the festival left their systems at the sound of their worst fear come-true.

“There you are, Cheese-valier Miche-rella!”

The three rocketed to the source and found Leon lifting his bedazzled black-and-red mask to grin triumphantly at a stoic tiger-masked Chevalier. Time seemed to stop as they stared each other down, the movement of their hair fluttering ominously in the passing breeze.

At last, Chevalier lifted his mask. 

“I shall concede this victory to you if you swear to never utter anything as atrocious in my presence again.”

"Sounds gouda to me, Cheesie!"

*Jin, Yves, and Licht rushing to hold Chevalier back*

This was so much fun! Thank you to everyone who put this exchange together and participated! I can't wait to devour all your works!

[ssszlami]

Harry Potter characters as things my friends have said except there's way too many characters

Yes, we write down funny things we say, no that's not weird

Harry: “I wanna jump out a castle window but like not die” 

Ron: “WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE GOOD AT SOMETHING???”

Hermione: “It’s feminine to write a paragraph”

Neville: “Lore update: I’m confused as hell.”

Luna: “Hey I can’t come to the party on Friday night, I just bought a bunch of cows and I gotta chill with them.”

Ginny: “I feel like you’re only dating me for my brother.”

Draco: “My chat is in it’s gaslight era”

Dean: “This is a lot like a cult for a Christian movie”

Seamus: “Agility: Setting things on fire and watching it explode... but in different directions.”

Dumbledore: “No one here has committed any crimes, and if you have, they were funny crimes, so it’s fine”

McGonagall: “When u get to the exam its not gonna be helpful that you spent your lessons drinking gatorade and eating donuts”

Snape: “If you’re going to traumatise children at least make it aesthetic”

Sirius: “I’m so alpha that the men around me change their sexuality to accomodate for me”

Remus: “I have four lines of self-hate for you”

Lily: “The milfs in my bag”

James: “No beta we die like parental figures”

Molly: “Goodnight offspring.”

Arthur: “How often a day do you reckon your car gets a boner?” 

Fred: “Love. Truth. Bodacious Booty.”

George: "In this world, it's either meme or be memed. In my case it's both."

Percy: “It is boring! But.....we like boring.”

Bill: “Sometimes you gotta ruin the vibe for the greater good”

Charlie: "Close your face nipples and think about dragons" 

Oliver: “I’m a white man, we always win! Except at sports….except at hockey”

Hagrid: “You can't say fuck you to the dog!”

Lavender: “Not all women want to kiss women. I know, that one was a hard pill for me to swallow”

Parvati: “There is no girl on earth who is so straight she wouldn’t love having another pair of boobs around”

Padma: “Nobody likes princesses!! They’re white bitches who weren’t loved enough as children”

Crabbe: “Pancake....buttplug……pancake…….buttplug”

Goyle: *grunt* “Yes I just farted.”

Cho: “I was like ‘whatever’. Wait no I was really sad”

Cedric: “I just thumbs-upped the roof down”

Krum: “*completely monotone voice* but wait there’s more”

Fleur: “Sexism is bad. Kill everyone.”

Tonks: “Gotta go to the bathroom to change my gender real quick”

Moody: “This is not a time for sassy comebacks, this is a time for SURVIVAL!”

Lockhart: “Because I look cute it’s all my fault. Thats how that works apparently.”

Umbridge: “Oh my god it’s me! Shiny trash!”

Voldemort: “Sorry I’m holding your parents hostage and killing you but your parents can’t hear your screams of terror because they can’t hear you right now”

Bellatrix: “YOU GOTTA KILL SOME CHILDREN TO GET TO YOUR TRUE LOVE”

Lucius: “Have you started another cult?”

Narcissa: “Your son is okay” *sobs and cries*

Kingsley: “I haven’t laughed since 1972.”

Peter: “So, you’re on the floor spooning the rat”

Slughorn: “*loud chewing noises* Wow I hate myself”

Mundungus: “My voice cracked on the crack and im on crack”

Dobby: “I took my ugg boots off for that.”

Winky: “Is she gonna kill me? I’m very excited.”

Kreacher: “It’s just war miss it’s not upsetting at all” 

Myrtle: “I went to the toilet and I see like the toilet seat around her neck”

Trelawney: “Teaching pigeons to be art connoisseurs” 

Filch: “He’s like a really sticky person!”

Dudley: “Screw you I just want stuff”

Petunia: “Is there a reason you’re interrupting me mid-soup?”

Vernon: “So he’s mad” “Yeah he’s cranky” “No like insane”

Pansy: “I don’t hurt them I just legally stab them”

Lee: “Bro that’s rather cringe”

Quirell: “I don’t need an exorcism” “That’s exactly what somebody who needs a exorcism would say”

Amos: “I’m one of the last old white boys”

Karkaroff: “Terrible behaviour…. ur in denial my guy” 

Xenophilius: “EVERY JOB IS A GOVERNMENT JOB, AND I DONT KNOW WHO THE PRIME MINISTER IS”

Greyback: “I… put my hand inside his chest…and ripped out his lungs” 

Cormac: “Closeted homophobic”

Blaise: “He’s more attractive in a suit.” “ALL MEN ARE!”

Regulus: “Lucy it’s my turn to drown!!”

Aberforth: “ME? A member of the TEN COMMANDMENTS??"

Nearly Headless Nick: “Well, if you have to execute me… ok”

Marietta: “You can’t slay if you vape”

Mrs Figg: “Old lady woman man and his dog”

[realasslesbian]

just in case anyone is wondering exactly how successful the government propaganda around robodebt has been; this bro literally could read my whole-ass submission, to the robodebt royal commission, which has for months now been loudly investigating the tonnes of illegal shit that the government did via robodebt, shit that eventually ended up costing him, a tax-payer (presumably), $1.9 billion in legal fees, which is the literal biggest government fuck up in a courtroom, in the entire history of Australia, but apparently the government brainwashing has worked so well for him that he still has no problem with anything the government has done, and instead is choosing to come after innocent victims of this atrocity, because that’s what the government has hardwired his singular brain cell to do, and this sort of mindless government bootlicking isn’t even particularly rare, I’m still getting loads of people harassing me about my robodebt, and how I should just pay whatever fake debt the government wants to hold me hostage over, as though if someone told them to do the same they’d just be like ‘oh sure please have tens of thousands of my dollars, no need to actually prove I owe anything, or even how you came to that particular sum of money, also thank you so much for ruining my life and killing thousands of people, just a top-notch job, I love Australia uwu’ like, as if they would just be that way if it were them in this situation, but anyway I just genuinely don’t understand how all these people can be so wilfully stupid, like, it doesn’t even matter what side of politics you’re on, if you’re supporting the government over robodebt victims then clearly you’re a fucking dunce who will shoot themselves in the foot just to keep sucking off the prime minister of the day

[casliveblog]

Custom Toonami Block Week 144 Rundown

Spy X Family: It’s the second half of the season and it’s DOG ARC time! The family goes to get Anya her dog but Loid’s spy shop is just full of bara dogs doing Jojo poses at them like why even take her to that one like if anyone blows the cover on that shop you publically going there is dangerous. But yeah Loid gets called away and busts a ring of college students planning to use dogs with bombs attached to them to murder the foreign minister and start World War whatever world war number this world is up to. This is pretty suspicious as college kids don’t tend to have ‘buy government hyperintelligent dogs to strap bombs to’ money which is a lot more than it takes to buy, you know, a gun. Meanwhile Yor and Anya are at another pet show and Anya trips across one of said Data Dogs who already has a picture of the Forger family in its memories so she wants to go see what the fuck that’s about and runs off after promising not to run off like five minutes ago and Yor has apparently been taking lessons on watching your kids from Stu and Didi Pickles because she doesn’t notice a fucking thing. Anya tries to free the Data Dog but because she’s in the hideout of the afformentioned college students with dog bomb money she gets fucking caught and they just wanna fucking slit her throat like geez guys. Luckily Data Dog frees himself and protects her which… I guess he could’ve done that at any time? Why did he need Anya? But still he’s able to use his Data Dog powers to predict the phone will ring about Loid busting the other hideouts and they use that distraction to get away but turns out Data Dog is in the Anya tier of ‘having superpowers doesn’t mean you’re any less of an impulsive moron’ camp and just kinda runs in circles for a while. Though they ran past Yor when they ran out so you can already see where this is going, Yor beats the shit out of the college students and saves Anya from what she thinks are human traffickers which is supposed to be a funny overreaction but given these guys were gonna snap her neck with their bare hands apparently I think she undershot it this time.

Inuyasha: I feel like this episode must’ve run REALLY short because we have like a five minute intro of Kagome reflecting on meeting Inuyasha and heading back to the feudal era for like no reason, like it makes you think the episode is gonna be a clip show but it does eventually get on with the plot. So back to that gate to the afterlife Hakudoshi had Kagura tell Inuyasha’s group about, like Miroku and Kagome even talk about how this couldn’t be a more clear trap if they tried like they even have Saimyosho fucking leading them to the spot but Inuyasha’s just like ‘yeah, yeah Naraku’s traps, we’ve all seen em, I’ll just shoot sword beams until the trap doesn’t work anymore’. I always did kinda like the setup for this setpiece though, it’s a stone gate to the underworld guarded by two statues that come to life and ask if someone wants to pass through the gate and they’re like ‘Yeah bro you can pass, but it’s the afterlife so we can’t let anybody living in so we gotta fucking kill you’ which I always found kind of hilarious like what’s the point of the fucking gate then like if you die you’re gonna go there anyway (the answer is it’s pointless and ends up being a weird plot point in Yashahime which would be an amazing callback if I ever thought any of this was planned out ahead of time) but yeah, the statues are basically invulnerable as with most gate guardians and even the Wind Tunnel doesn’t fucking work because… yeah they’re still giant dudes made of stone, makes sense. Really feel like Inuyasha is a D&D campaign where the DM realized they let Miroku’s character have a fucking broken ability and had to keep finding ways to nerf it. Myoga tells Inuyasha that the statues go back to sleep once the gate opens and closes so Inuyasha actually fucking defaults to the Red Tessaiga for once (thank god I’m so sick of him hitting it with the regular Wind Scar and then having it do nothing and having to switch or just missing his chance to kill the bad guys) and busts open the gate and Kagura has a horde of demons bum rush the gate to get into it before Inuyasha but turns out all the demons turn to stone because, you know, can’t go into the afterlife while alive, but like what’s the point of the guardians at that point? Like not only is the gate pointless if you need to be dead to get through it because the same thing happens when you die anyway but guarding it is pointless because if someone tries to jump through they just get Dr. Stone’d anyway, this whole system is just full of double redundancy. But yeah Kagura’s not too happy about that and the statues go to sleep but Kagome does confirm that through the gate is a jewel shard. Kagura goes back to Hakudoshi like ‘wtf bro you tried to kill me’ and he tells her to chill out because he sent all the fodder demons with her so there was only like a 40% chance she’d die and more importantly a 0% chance he would die because he wasn’t even fucking there. Kagura tries attacking him but Naraku can apparently long-distance squeeze Kagura’s heart and is just like ‘don’t try that again bro’. Anyway next is the Princess Abi arc and she’s easily one of my favorite tertiary characters like her design is so fucking cool, her and Yura are really awesome underused characters.

Yu Yu Hakusho: So yeah, Spirit World’s Law & Order Special Demons unit arrive on the scene and turns out they wanna fucking kill Yusuke… again, like bro’s already dead but turns out it doesn’t count unless you destroy the body (which was mentioned in the first arc so that’s a cool callback) But yeah turns out these guys can close up the hole in demon world in like ten days AND send a squad to make sure nothing passes through (also neat little lore bit about one of these guys being the one that hunted down Yoko Kurama, the lore in YYH doesn’t always feel the tightest so it’s nice when things come together like that) so basically the living world was never really in any danger, this whole thing was basically so Koenma didn’t have to tell his dad he fucked up. Like to be fair Sensui isn’t here and if he wasn’t kicking Hiei, Kurama and Kuwabara’s asses there’s a good chance he’d be fucking murdering all the SDP guys and they do say that them just being in Living World does kinda distort reality a bit and it’s hard to clean up so there’s a couple reasons why we couldn’t have just skipped to this part but it does kinda take the wind out of the stakes a bit. Anyway Koenma and Seaman stall the cops long about what a good guy Yusuke is for him to start reviving because yeah apparently he’s a demon and if anyone in his bloodline dies while having a power level high enough to activate the devil gene they just fucking go nuts and become a demon. And in true Yusuke fashion he plays up being the lord of darkness and shit despite not having changed a bit and shows the SDP guys as the pussies they are because it doesn’t matter if they’re afterlife cops, Yusuke Urameshi says fuck the police. Also Puu is this badass phoenix thing now that resembles what Koenma said the Spirit Beast would look like all the way back in the first arc so that’s pretty cool. Like I’m torn because admittedly this revelation came out of absolutely fucking nowhere with no foreshadowing but I do kinda admire how Yusuke just kinda rolls with it and makes a badass entrance to go kick Sensui’s ass like it’s an asspull among asspulls but can’t really argue with results.

Jujutsu Kaisen: It’s the conclusion of the Mahito fight and Kento and Yuji are kinda onto his Ditto bullshit now and are just beating the crap out of him before he can shapeshift and on the off-chance he can shapeshift with the two of them there they’re able to whittle down his form and pin him down easier. But if there’s one thing shonen anime teaches us it’s that almost dying makes you more powerful and Mahito unlocks his Domain Expansion which traps Kento in a realm where he can just do the whole ‘squibby squoodle your soul is now a noodle’ deal without actually touching you. Meanwhile Yuji has to murder soul gremlin zombies which even though I don’t think anyone considers them people anymore I do respect the series for actually making Yuji kill them despite his principles like a lot of shows confront the protag about it and then weasel out of it like YYH did or the kinda just forget that the protagonist is supposed to care about murder halfway through despite going absurdly out of their way to not have them kill any humans in the first half like Naruto and Bleach did. Anyway now that Kento thinks he’s gonna die we basically get his whole backstory where he’s revealed to be the only thing more evil than a cursed spirit: a stock broker. Basically what I gather is that Kento is Yoshikage Kira but he grew some empathy before the murder impulses kicked in and his own self-loathing and the feeling of saving people that he feels contribute more than him gave him a reason to live which is why he thinks about the bakery girl he saved and how her gratitude was his reason for living and tells Mahito to fucking shove his gratitude for having them unlock his next form. Meanwhile Yuji is able to punch his way into the Domain Expansion because ‘Why would you want to break INTO the realm of infinite torment where the bad guy can morph your soul at will?’ is valid logic. Unfortunately it seems like Mahito can’t turn OFF the soul-warping effect once you’re I his sphere so Sukuna’s just like “WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAY ABOUT YOUR DIRTY FRANKENSTEIN HANDS ON MY SOUL BRO!?” and just fucking murders him. Since Mahito’s critically injured and basically had all his energy used up by the Unlimited Hand Works he tries to Semi-Perfect Cell and bust out of there but pops like a balloon and ducks down the sewer to get the fuck out of dodge. And to my surprise they don’t do any shenanigans about bringing Junpei back to life or any of that shit, he’s fucking dead and Yuji has to live with that and everyone around Junpei has to own up to their part in making him a domestic jellyfish terrorist which is kind of weird they gave him like a whole power set to let him use it for like five minutes and then kill him and they stuck him in the opening just to be a red herring but okay I can respect not backpedaling the trauma of it and making Yuji want to solidify his goals so he can meet up with Megumi and Nobara again.

Ranking of Kings: Okay so A LOT happens this episode, Miranjo and Spear Guy meet Hilling and her guards and Shield Guy out front of the castle with a bunch of the chimera creatures and two of the escaped criminals and all hell kinda breaks loose. It looks like they’re losing ground and Shield guy gets Hilling to run but Ouken cuts them off and almost kills Hilling’s Guard Captain but Hilling is able to heal her own injuries and save her captain from having a slashed throat while chugging down Gatorade stamina potions to make sure she doesn’t fucking pass out from spamming healing magic. Apparently Hilling DOES have offensive spells or at least status spells and casts a holy blinding spell on Ouken which freaks him out enough to have him stumble into town and start killing people there. Meanwhile Gnasty Gnorc slams down on Shield guy and the beasts are about to kill Hilling but Spear Guy has had enough and saves her, demanding to know why Miranjo wants her dead anyway, man took him long enough, like it’s been like eight episodes of unquestioning simping and murdering for a girl made of glass and he’s finally like ‘babe why we murdering your crush’s ex?’. Turns out Miranjo had Bojji’s mom killed because giant women are one and done when it comes to kids and set him up with Hilling so he’d have a second son that didn’t have all his potential sacrifice to a demon to reincarnate into. Man luckily Hilling didn’t have a girl or else this would be VERY awkward for Bosse to just be in the body of a twelve year old girl. But yeah Miranjo is like ‘man if I sit here and make you watch them kill Hilling and Shield guy you’re just gonna betray me more so let’s go kill Sword Guy and Kirito’ so Spear Guy shouts down to Shield Guy to protect Hilling and he starts beating the shit out of the chimeras but still gets his leg dripped off when they dog pile him. Meanwhile two of the prisoners steal Miranjo because they love chaos and the schemey prisoner is like ‘oh geez sorry we stole your mirror girlfriend bro, here have her back’ and fucking bodies Spear Guy. Meanwhile Bojji and the Underworld Guards have arrived in town where Ouken is just murdering dudes left and right and the Guard Captain remembers Despa telling him not to fight Ouken until he arrives nor to let Bojji fight him since their styles are perfect opposites of each other (supporting my theory from last time that Ouken has Bojji’s sword style of disabling but on the ‘bleed it out’ path instead of ‘knock out and talk’ skill tree) so since the Captain can only obey one of those two requests he agrees to take on Ouken and sends Bojji to go help Hilling.

Vinland Saga: So Askeladd’s group is being held at arrowpoint by the second Welsh kingdom and Bjorn points out that if they wanted them dead they’d be fighting already but this is all just sword rattling so the Welsh don’t seem like pussies who let the Danes come in and demand the shirt off their backs for some protection. Askeladd meets with the Welsh leader along with their own Welsh escort and we get kind of a bombshell that Askeladd is actually the son of a Viking warrior that enslaved a Welsh noblewoman that was actually a distant relative of King Arthur… why does anime always come back to King Arthur I swear. But yeah, Askeladd says he promises a good deal for Wales because he’s half Welsh but knowing Askeladd like we do I don’t know how much we can actually trust any importance he holds on his heritage but he does seem to hate his Danish father who treated his Welsh mother badly so there may be more truth than it appears to his talk of ‘I hate the Danish, all my homies hate the Danish” even though he’s been murdering and plundering with a group of Danes for most of his life, guess that’s something he and Thorfinn have in common. Speaking of our supposed main character, Thorfinn calls Canute out on being a fucking pussy which actually gets a rise out of him in a fashion that I’m sure has yaoi fanfic writers drooling. Like I literally couldn’t write a more generic yaoi fanfic if I tried than ‘spoiled bishie rich boy and gruff warrior boy with a tragic backstory hate each other’s guts and also they were roommates’. But yeah, new plan is to pretend to be prisoners and sneak across Wales and make a MIIIINOR trek through enemy territory to snake around back to the main Danish forces, I’m sure everything will go fine.  

[rustworks]

The Brokowski Files - 4

Brokowski blinked. The Charger had stopped. “So we need to stop at the laundromat now? You crap your pants, bro?”

Fahey shook his head quickly. “No! Next door.”

“The sex shop?”

“The other next door, amigo!”

“A church? Why the hell there?”

Fahey was already out of the car. Brokowski flew after him. “Can we just focus, bro? I need that KB.”

“I told you,” shot back Fahey, rubbing his hands on his jeans nervously. “I almost died and I need some God!”

“Oh, you’re religious now? You never said shit about that before.”

Fahey glanced at the sign outside the church before heading in. Since he didn’t have the car keys, Brokowski had to follow.

It was empty, which wasn’t a surprise this time of day. Brokowski immediately got uncomfortable, as if a lightning bolt was poised to strike.

A voice startled them both. “Can I help you?”

Fahey froze. “Father Gregg Ruled?”

A short middle-aged man in a tan suit stepped out from the shadows. He had a half-eaten donut in his hands. “Gregg Riaz. And I’m not a priest.”

“Wow, that’s a really nice perfume!” Fahey gasped, sniffing at the minister. Brokowski, on the other hand, wanted to throw up from a stench that seemed a combination of flowers and toilet cleaner.

“Sorry to bother you, padre,” Brokowski said. “My friend here got the yips after witnessing a hold-up at the Quik-Mart”

“I saw my life flash before my eyes, Father Ruled!” Fahey got woozy so he slid into the nearest pew.

The minister frowned. He adjusted something on his belt before taking a bite of the donut. “It’s just Gregg Riaz. Tell me about what you saw.”

Fahey threw up his hands. “I saw a light, then Mrs. Fahey! I almost died because of Funyuns.”

Brokowski frowned. “The robber wasn’t after your Funyuns, bro. She was just after Yankee greenbacks.”

“He,” corrected Fahey. “Father Ruled, I haven’t been to church in years. Am I going to hell?”

Riaz smiled patiently. “Of course not. There is no hell. Just focus on being a good person and you’ll one day be with…” He paused, squinting and becoming lost in thought. “With…oh, what was his name?”

Brokowski’s eyes went wide. “Uh…you mean God?”

“Yes, that’s it,” Riaz said, smiling appreciatively. “I made up an expression once that is all you need to follow - love your fellow man as you would yourself.”

“Didn’t Jesus say that, padre?” Brokowski fidgeted, glancing at his watch.

“Jesus? Santos? From the laundromat? Of course not!” Riaz laughed as if the question had been completely stupid.

“Holy hell,” breathed Brokowski. “Look, it wasn’t a near death experience, bros. Plus Detective Mauer’s on it now.”

“Detective Mauer?” Riaz breathed, eyes wide. He quickly smiled. “I’m glad things are better.”

As Riaz finished the donut, Brokowski gestured to his belt. “Say, isn’t that a blood glucose monitor?”

Riaz slowly stood up. “Say, do you still have the Funyuns?”

Fahey laughed. “No way, Father Ruled! Get your own!”

[queen-paladin]

More W*lliam R*nsome hate memes because I will never stop being salty.

[xiaq]

Hi, I have a question re:sex and Christianity. Small background: I still go to church, and I still live with my parents even though I'm not much younger than you, because housing is very very expensive where I live (pretty common here, I would say about 2/3 of my friends live with their parents and we are decently privileged kids)

Anyway. How does one get over purity culture? To be clear, I've never been told in church not to have sex, I've never gotten the gendered lessons that you got. But I am terrified of having sex. My first real, multi-year relationship just ended and while there was hand stuff etc, there was never any p in v sex (lol I feel 12). But I still had insane anxiety about being pregnant despite being on bc. And I think its because I know my parents would be so disappointed if I had sex. And if I was pregnant I could imagine all the gossip. And honestly I think im from a pretty open church, b/c one of our previous ministers kids recently got married at 8 months pregnant and lots of church people were at the wedding and supportive and her parents were there and everything.

I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???

(Asking because it seems like you've been pretty open about purity culture/removing yourself from it)

CW for sex talk (again)

How does one get over purity culture?

Oh man. That really is the million-dollar question, huh? Obviously, I can only answer re my personal experiences, and this is something you should talk to a therapist about, but I can tell you how I’ve tackled it with my therapist at least.

Purity culture is, at its core, an ideology that is perpetuated by shame. If you’re indoctrinated into purity culture when you’re a kid, the concepts become baked into the way you construct your identity, your perception of self, and your perception of your sexuality. It’s practically intrinsic, by the time you’re an adult, to feel shame any time you’re reminded you have a body, much less a sexuality.

According to the chapels I sat through every week as a kid, a girl's body could be 3 things: an intentional stumbling block for men, an accidental stumbling block for men, or unnoticeable. Women were to strive for the third option so as to keep their (and their male friends/authority figures) purity intact. After all, if a boy, or even your male teacher, had impure thoughts about you, it was your fault for tempting them (which, holy shit. I still can’t believe that was a thing I bought into for so long. If my 45 yr old grown-ass teacher had impure thoughts because he could see my 12 yr old collarbone, that sure as hell wasn’t my fault. But I digress.) The Only time a woman’s body can be something else, is when she gives it to her husband, at which point she must suddenly flip the switch in her brain that she is now allowed to be a Sexual Being and she must perform Sexual Duties despite living in outright fear of her own body and sexuality for years (decades?) up until this point. Jesus take the wheel.

Purity culture isn’t a thing you can just decide to walk away from if you’ve grown up in it. Because its ideology is insidious and internalized. So first you need to submit to the fact that you’re going to be fucked up about sex. It sounds like you’re there. Second, you need to interrogate what you believe. If you’re leaving religion behind entirely, you’ll approach removing yourself from purity culture differently than if you still identify as a Christian. It sounds like you might be the latter, which meant, for me, separating what’s actually biblical and what’s shitty, contrived, doctrine that I was told is biblical but is actually more political than spiritual. This helps you address the shame issue.

You need to throw away I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Lady in Waiting and all those ridiculous books you read and reread in the hopes of somehow obtaining impossible marriage perfection and look into actual scripture interpreted within its historical context. I could write a book on this, but the TL;DR is that the text of the Bible was written, translated, curated, and changed multiple times over thousands of years by human beings with human biases and, often, personal and/or political agendas. It contradicts itself! Reading it as it is—a flawed historical document—rather than some sort of God-breathed perfect document—is incredibly freeing. When you do, you’ll probably realize that purity culture is bullshit on a spiritual level. Which is a good start, if that matters to you. Because any time you start to feel shame or guilt you can ask yourself: does God actually care if I wear a bikini or touch a dick I’m not married to? Probably not. Wear the bikini. Touch the dick.

The most important therapy session for me was when my therapist asked what I would do if I got to heaven and God was actually the God I’d been raised to fear. What would I do if he condemned me for being bisexual and having premarital sex and becoming educated, for arguing with men, and failing to isolate while menstruating, and wearing mixed fabrics? If Montero had come out at the point, I probably would have said I’d pole dance down to hell. Instead, I said I would spit on heaven’s gates. If a god that cruel and that pointlessly demeaning really exists—a god who would create in me condemned desire—I won't worship him. The good news is, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t exist. At the very least, he isn’t supported by scripture.

Okay. The final thing you need to do is figure out what you actually want, sexually speaking. This bit is probably the hardest. I’m still in the early stages of this myself. You say: “I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???” Bro, I wish I had an easy answer for you. For me, whenever I’m feeling anxious about Sex Things, I tell myself: 1. My God does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 2. My partner does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 3. I do not equate my worth to my sexual habits. It seems silly, but reminding myself of those three things is massively helpful. If, after I’ve sorted through those, I’m still anxious or uncomfortable, I stop doing the thing. I evaluate. Am I overwhelmed and I need to try again some other time? Do I just not like the thing? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Sometimes you change your mind. Sometimes you just don’t know. That’s why having a partner who you trust and who’s willing to patiently explore your interests (and respect your disinterests) is so important. Half the battle, for me, was having a partner who told me they’d be ok with no sex at all. Because that took the pressure off me. If the bare minimum they need is nothing, then anything more than that is a bonus! Hooray! This is maybe TMI, but let me tell you. I thought I was asexual* right up until I was able to have moderately non-anxious sex. Never in my life did I think I would initiate a sexual situation but… I do now. It’s a fun thing to do with a person I love and, holy shit. I am furious that I nearly missed out on it.

Finally, re birth control: I don’t know how you can approach that fear in a way that works for you. If you don’t want to ever have penetrative sex, that’s fine! If that’s a point of anxiety you can’t get rid of, then don't push yourself to do it. If you find out you like other sex things, do the other sex things! If you don't like doing any sex things, don't do any sex things! Also, have you considered sleeping with people who can’t get you pregnant? Always an option if it’s an option you want to consider. ;)

Okay. I hope this was even a little bit helpful. Sorry if it’s a little convoluted, I typed it up in bursts during my work breaks.

*This is not at all to say that asexuality can be “fixed." Rather, it’s to say that things like purity culture can drastically confuse your sexuality in general. If you’re asexual, then this process is still important to discover what you like/dislike. Then you can be explicit about those necesities and find a partner who’s a good fit (if you want a partner at all, that is).

[pub-lius]

my thoughts while watching a more perfect union bc i got tired of john adams’ tomfoolery

AAAA I LOVE THIS MOVIE

look at james’ slutty, slutty wrist showing smh 😒 fr tho mf cant even open his own suitcase 🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨put that harloty wrist to use, jemmy

“god bless you mr. jefferson” bro dont get your hopes up, that book in your hand is about weasels fucking. besides, god abandoned him a long time ago

THE MUSIC AAAAAAA this movie gives me so much serotonin i cannot express

i almost threw up eating a jalapeño

tag yourself im james watching a bunch of guys fight over taxes awkwardly

“what about avaricious southerns?!” YEAH WHAT ABOUT THEM. HELP ME JAMES THEYRE TAKING MY RIGHTS

virginians are waaay too patriotic

EW JOHN ADAMS IS BACK NO I LEFT HIM FOR A REASON

cui bono :)

OOO MR FOREIGN MINISTER JUST READ HIM TO FILTH OOOO GET HIM GET HIM

omg we get it, washington is sexy, get over it. he’s too busy being sexy at mount vernon, leave him alone

HEY TOMMY i forgot that they have a good portrayal of jefferson in this, almost as good as the john adams series, they just need the accent and then boom

“well i have faith in madison” yeah you have something else in madison too 🤨🫡🥱😴🤢🥴 IM SORRY DJSBWJWBW

washington: dying ffs madison: come with me to the anime con🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 ALSO FUCKING- washington: i cant come to the convention, im fucking dying madison:… guess what guys? washington is coming to the convention!!!!! wooo!!!!!!!!

MRS HOUUUUSSEEEE SLAY SLAY SLAY SLAY QUEEN PUSSY BOSS WORK BITCH BOOTS THE HOUSE DOWN

“well if the gazette says it it should be true” ok mr newspaper wars 🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨

oh to be a 1780s congressman falling asleep in a bed and breakfast surrounded by books on government 😍😍😍😍😍😌😌😌🥰🥰🥰🥰😘😘😘😘😘😘🥰😌😌😌😌😌

james: *hears canonfire* also james: slowly puts his coat on and walks outside like a 90 year old

oh wow it’s washington who could have saw that coming

WASHINGTONS SLUTTY SLUTTY STOCKINGS

ew get franklin out of here, he shouldn’t be allowed here during pride month. he talks like a fucking robot.

“or worse! i would be discredited as a philosopher!” i want to pick up horseshit off the street and shove it in your mouth and kick you in a ditch (respectfully)

james and his little cup government 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

p-pardon me gentlemen… i do not mean to be tedious 🥺👉👈

EW EDMUND RANDOLPH 🤢🤢🤢

HAMMY HAMMY HAMMY HAMMY LOOK AT THAT LITTLE TWINK

“i know the general well 💁‍♀️ and believe me 🥴 no man could be kinder 😒but being in his presence 🥱 is rather like being with your father 😰 your creditor 🫃 and your maker 🧚‍♂️ all rolled into one 🥵”

i sincerely apologize for my actions on the internet

my dear general 😁 how happy i am to see you are so well 😍…*dies*

might i have the executive branch back 🥺

james summarizing the entire constitutional convention before it starts :/

new government? NEW GOVERNMENT???? BLAH BLAH BLAH shut. the fuck. up.

“i signed a paper here that got us in a lot of trouble not so long ago” not you mf 🤨

“you’re late” “history shall be the judge of that” my new excuse

tag yourself im washington forgetting whos who

OMG DICKINSON MY LITTLE MEOW MEOW WELCOME BACK SCRUNKLY

oh god morris, you party pooper

im fucking sobbing theyre all dumb

i do admire how madison like. relearned how democracy works. like reading his notes is wack as hell. and his federalist papers, those slayed so hard. he really went there

AND THEN EVERYONE CLAPPED. god james is so main character 🥺

the president: new york- hamilton: THROWS A FUCKING TANTRUM

take a shot every time new york is divided

“virginia, pennsylvania, massachusetts- all large states—“ LARGE STATES?????? LARGE STATES?????????? MASSACHUSETTS???? whatever bye

take a shot every time dickinson postpones something ffs

im leaving this here bc it gets kinda boring after this but you should all watch it, its on youtube for free and amazing and makes me cry ok bye ily

[tooweirdforyou]

How ASL Bros React To Getting Married To You

A/N : well, I reallyyy want to write a nice long fic but like.. life man. I’m on spring break and have work all week and with my sleep problems 😭 just enjoy this please c:

Summary : what the asl brothers wedding would be like.

-

Luffy

“Woah! You look awesome, [Name]!”

So cheery and wholesome.

Zoro is his best man, ( much to Sanji’s dismay )

EVERYONE is there, every single person he’s ever met is there so it’s crowded and you basically had it outside, in Foosha Village, though he wanted it to be on the ship.

All of the girls Luffy’s met is responsible for your appearance, they all helped you on your big day.

Some of the marines were invited, of course.

Luffy’s best mans/groom mans ( idk) ( other than Zoro ) consists of Sabo, Ace, Sanji, Usopp, Franky, Brook, Law, Shanks and Koby.

Your bridesmaids consist of Nami, Robin ( maid of honor ), Perona, Tashigi, Vivi and Makino. ( shirahoshi and others didn’t have too much room to stand by you because of the guests so they just sat in their respective seats.)

Before it officially started, there was a lot of tension so separation in seats were needed. Big Mom’s crew is sitting on the left back, Marines in the front right, Law’s, Kid’s and Shanks and other pirates are put in the right back, and everyone else Luffy knows is in the front right.

Few are still in shock because of the fact that LUFFY is getting married before them.

A lot of yelling and laughter from everyone is around but as soon as the classic music is playing in the background, everyone shuts up and turns to face the back, where you’re walking with Garp.

Old man Garp is the one taking you, and even he is full of tears from the fact that his own grandson is getting married.

“You take care of my dumb ole’ grandson, you hear? If he ever becomes too much of an annoyance, just knock him a few times in the head.”

And when you finally reach him, everyone is quiet and has the proudest smiles on their faces. Their Luffy is all grown up.

His bright, radiating grin is plastered and he is pretty overwhelmed but right now, you’re distracted by his handsome look in his suit.

Of course, he has shorts instead of long dress pants but he still looked handsome regardless.

Vows are said, rings are given and you smile at Luffy as the minister ( Sengoku ) questions your commitment.

“Do you, [ Name LastName ] take this complete fool, Monkey D. Luffy, as your everlasting husband and, future pirate king?”

Chuckles are heard, and you couldn’t suppress a giggle either. “I do.”

“I see. I wish you luck on this journey. Luffy, you may now kiss the bride.”

Claps are heard around as Luffy grins. “About time!” He cheers and pulls you by your hands, quickly smashing your lips together in a kiss.

“Congrats, Luffy!”

“Not bad, Straw Hat.”

“Where’s the beer? Time to party!”

“Alright, Luffy! Woo!”

Music is quick to break out as everyone is celebrating and cheering.

You and Luffy already cut the cake, ( it took you a lot of force to make Luffy not shove his face in the cake and just CUT IT. )

The giant cake made by Sanji and the Big Mom family, was shared for everyone and there was still plenty left.

And it was just a fun time with everyone. You even threw your bouquet(?) behind you already and it seems the next to be wed was Tama!

Clearly some of the women weren’t too happy to see the little grow becoming married before them but it was a nice laugh.

The night goes on and it’s getting late. Guests are leaving after wishing the two of you well and you two head in for your suite that Nami booked as her present.

“It feels normal. I thought this was some big special thing, why is it such a big deal again?” Luffy questions, forgetting what the girls had told him the several nights before about weddings.

You smile gently and set the last wrapped gift to the side with the others, taking a glance at the shimmering ring on your left hand.

“Because,” you spin around and face your husband, reaching over and taking off his straw hat that he kept on.

“It swears our connection and commitment to each other. Why do you think Shanks married Makino, despite their long distance relationship?”

Luffy offers his gentle smile, seemingly more relaxed at the mention of the two of the most important people in his life, out of many.

“Because they love each other?” He guesses calmly, tilting his head and you nod, giggling at his black hair that swayed.

“And I love you.” You whisper, leaning closer and felt Luffy’s arms enveloping you in a tight hug, his face nuzzling into your neck.

“I love you, [Name].”

And he leans back, connecting his lips on yours.

-

Ace

“Oh..wow..”

Oh boy, did the Whitebeard crew go BIG.

I have a feeling that Ace would want something a little normal or smaller perhaps, just inviting his personal friends and family, and maybe a few people he met along the way of his journey.

He’s a friendly, outgoing person but for a personal occasion, it’s best to stick with the people you’re closest to.

But he wasn’t complaining when he saw the large äss party, feast and the important people in his life showing up.

Sabo, Luffy and his crew, Shanks, Makino, all of his brothers, members of his old crew, Garp, he was thrilled to see everyone!

The wedding was held on Whitebeard’s ship, of course. It wasn’t too fancy or grand but still pretty large and the ship was right in the middle of the sea.

Ace is all dressed up handsomely in his suit, with the help of Marco, Vista and Izo. His hair isn’t too messy and just styled neatly.

You were dressed beautifully in your gown/suit, with the help of the nurses, Nami, Robin and Izo.

There was a bit of trouble with seating but naturally, many people stood up anyways and were quite busy throwing confetti and other things at you, even if it was a wedding.

Whitebeard is taking you down the aisle, it’s a little bit difficult but he still did, and you can bet he’s excited to have a daughter/son that will help watch over Ace’s dumbass self.

“Rough him up real good, take good care of my stupid son. And call me Pops!”

When Ace sees you walking down, he’ll admit, he’s teary. He’s actually found love, someone like him.. and he’s about to be married to you, the most amazing, attractive, and sweetest person he’s met.

You look so amazing in your outfit, he’s in tears. He’s so lucky.. Marco has a hand on his shoulder and patting his back. “Congratulations, Ace. You deserve this.”

Wiping his tears with his finger, he nods and exhales, holding the widest, warmest smile he could muster.

He was going to love you and protect you all of his damn life, that’s for sure.

The minister is actually Vista! Ace’s best man is Marco and his groomsmans all include Thatch, Luffy, Jozu, Izo, and Haruta!

“Do you, [Name Lastname] take this young kid as your loyal, lawful and everlasting husband?”

“Really?” Ace pouts at Vista’s joke and chuckles are heard, even yours.

“I do, Vista. I’ll make sure he grows.” You giggle as Ace sighs in exasperation.

“Very well. I now pronounce you husband and wife, Ace, kiss your damn bride already.”

“My pleasure.” Ace grins and he’s quick in pulling your wrist towards him, and spinning you into a dipping motion before connecting your lips together in a kiss.

Whistles and catcalls are heard as loud cheers and applause are made.

“Go Ace!”

“Alright, Fire Fist!”

“Better not lose her, Ace!”

Ace rolls his eyes at the comments from his brothers and pulls you back up with a smile. He’s a little glad he didn’t fall asleep midway because of his narcolepsy.

Party immediately breaks out, Sanji aids Thatch in the kitchen to bring out everything and it’s a long night of dancing, boozing and more.

Ace is just off with the guys, having fun and celebrating while you are off with the women, talking about experiences and such.

And when Ace finally finds you and pulls you two away to his room for some alone time, he pulls you close.

“Well, Mrs. Fire Fist, what do you want to do first?~”

His arms are around your waist as he secures you towards him, a cheeky smile on display on his face.

“Not sure, what did you have in mind?” Playing coy, you shrug and tilt your head, turning away from his face which he pouts and uses his hand to force his back to him.

Pecking your lips, Ace smiles again and leads you to his bed. “I have an idea, if you’re up to it?” He wiggles his brows, making you laugh.

He jumps onto the bed, pulling you with him so you were on top. “Well?”

“Oh! Cuddles, I get it! Sure, I’m tired anyways.”

Ace groans at you, heaving a sigh and he whines. “Come on, [Naaamee]!”

You just giggle and sit up, repositioning yourself on his lap and straddled him. “Fine, fine. You’re lucky it’s our special day today.” You hum.

“Oh? So you don’t want to do this after today is over?” Ace muses, smirking a bit since he knew the answer.

You puff your cheeks out at the thought of not having sex with Ace anymore, but you weren’t going to back down. “..Nope!”

Knowing the truth, Ace chuckles and begins to grind upwards into you.

“Alright, I guess I better make this a special memory to remember.”

-

Sabo

“You look incredible, [Name]..”

The most average, normal one. It’s traditional, smaller than most would be, and it’s for personal guests only.

So close members of the revolutionary army, his brothers, Garp and Makino were the only ones invited. If Luffy wanted, he could bring his crew but that’s it!

It’s traditional, so it was held inside a chapel, of course. It wasn’t anything special, everything was set up already and prepared for a small group so it was great.

Sabo is in a dashing, handsome suit like Ace was, but somehow has a much more charming, princely appearance. He helped himself in the appearance, with smallest help of Inazuma.

Your dress too! Somehow it’s more Royal appearing and your veil resembles a crown in a way. Koala and Iva helped you out in this!

Sabo’s best man is actually Ace! The strongest brotherly bond overpowered the thought of having Kuma, Iva or Luffy as a best man, but fortunately, they didn’t seem to mind, since they were groomsmans anyways. Iva being both bridesmaid and groomsman.

Ace was pretty teary and honored, and felt so excited.

The one who takes you down the aisle is Dragon. He’s a little awkward about it at first but he is quite proud of Sabo, even if he doesn’t openly show it.

“Take good care of him, alright?”

“I will.” You assure, thanking him when you finally reach the point of Sabo’s side.

The whole time, Sabo is staring at you in awe, feeling speechless. How did he manage to get someone as beautiful and wholehearted as you?

He can’t contain his wide grin and excitement, his hands just a hint clammy from the nervousness of possible rejection. But he knew you loved him. Because he loves you.

“Someone looks handsome.” You whisper in a giggle and Sabo chuckles. “Not compared to the beauty you have right now.” He winks.

The minister is actually Kuma, of course. Kuma was the obvious choice. Kuma took the position with gratitude.

“[Name Lastname]. Do you take Chief of Staff Sabo, as your lawful, loyal and everlasting husband?”

“I do.”

“Congratulations. I now pronounce you husband and wife, Sabo, please do the honor of kissing your bride.”

Sabo is the most natural approach, taking a step forward and cupping your cheeks in his hands and pulling you forward, for a kiss.

Cheers and applause are made and heard, and Luffy, being the brother he is, pulls out a loud confetti popper and pulls it, it shooting it out everywhere like fireworks.

“Congratulations, you two!”

“Alright, time to get drinking!”

“Better not let this get in the way of your missions..”

“Luffy, how’d you even get that?!” Sabo widens his eyes and he laughs. “Franky made it for me! He said it’ll be super, for the wedding!”

“Geez..”

You can’t help the laugh that escapes your lips and Sabo finds himself laughing alongside you and the whole place is soon filled with laughter and cheer.

It’s a small family party but it was still pretty chaotic regardless, and Sabo makes sure to take you outside for some fresh air when it becomes nighttime.

“Hey, feeling okay?”

Taking a seat on the bench nearly, Sabo sits beside you and you nod, immediately leaning into his shoulder.

“It’s overwhelming, I guess..” the warm smile that spreads your lips is contagious as he does the same when he sees it. “But,”

You take a look at your ring finger, that held the beautiful silver ring and diamond. “I couldn’t be happier with today. I’m married to the love of my life.”

Sabo smiles gently and closed his eyes, leaning against the backrest and let the moonlight light against his face.

“I am, as well. I couldn’t be any luckier to be married to you now..” taking your hand in his, he intertwines your fingers and brings your hand up to kiss.

He kisses your ring finger specifically and hums.

“Thank you.. for being with me.. I love you, [Name].”

“Of course. Thank you for being with me. I love you, Sabo.”

-

-

A/N : well! This was sweet~ I feel bad for Luffy’s part because it’s not the greatest. :/ but I hope you enjoyed! :D

[lewisrises]

☕️ lando

what a strange little man. the thing is that lando could actually be a very serious driver but it seems like he falls into the trap of being self critical to the point where he’s just hating on himself? it’s actually kinda sad like bro you are only as good as you believe and rn you’re your own worst enemy! i acc do think he is v good, majority of last season was incredible and he proved himself as the #1 mclaren driver. it’s simply unfortunate that he is Not funny. i as a british citizen and prime minister of humourisms take personal offence when people write off his comments as british humour like STOP IT!! THAT IS SIMPLY NOT TRUE!!! but i literally can’t hate the lad bc he’s just some guy. i think it’s easy to hate him bc he has easy qualities to pick on (a twitch streamer who golfs and has no game)

[7-deadly-simpin]

I'm sorry I couldn't find the rules so feel free to ignore this if it doesn't fit, but I was thinking on a disaster wedding, like everything goes wrong or weird, the "priest" Mixes up the names, groomsmen faints, flower girl throws poison ivy instead of flowers, things like that. And to top it all MC forgets their vows and runs!?

I wonder how would they (not-und or bros, or whoever you want, heck, you can do Mephistopheles if you want but I feel Lucifer would be the funniest one) react, what would they do.

Any format you'd like. I just leave the idea!

Love your writing and chaos! Good night!

Well poop...I...I don't even have rules set up. I really need to get on that. On that note, you are completely fine lovey!

Oooooh yes yes yes! Let's have some fun! Thank you so much lovey! This ended up much longer than expected. This is unedited so there may be a few mistakes..!

Wedding Misadventures- Lucifer

It was meant to be the perfect day for the two of you.

You were to marry one of the most powerful demons in the Devildom.

Handsome, stoic, pretty nice butt as well (stop saying that last part out loud, you know how much it embarrasses him)

But you must have forgot where you were, NOTHING is simple here.

First off, Mammon had to be forcibly dragged to the ceremony....in chains.

He was probably the most upset of the brothers that you chose to spend the rest of your life with Lucifer.

Second, the colors were all wrong.

A minor inconvenience to you, but a death sentence for whoever messed up for Lucifer. 

And the FLOWERS???

Loudly exclaims “My peonies…!”

Belphie ready with a retort yells back “THEY’RE MARIGOLDS…!”

This demon is about to lose his shit, and of course you’re nowhere in sight…!

The groom isn’t supposed to see his partner until the ceremony begins!

You didn’t have too many friends in the Devildom, so who else would step in as part of your team other than the exchange students?

Luke was the cutest little flower angel, and although he wasn’t the happiest about it, for you he promised to be the best.

Too bad Luke dropped the flowers he was supposed to throw into the lake.

Panicked, he quickly grabbed a bunch of flowers from the surrounding area and some leaves for good measure.

As he threw petals and leaves here and there, a murmur could be heard from the stands.

Maybe it was because there was dirt and grass mixed in with the petals...he did hastily pick them from the ground after all.

Or...ouch...why is his skin so itchy right now? It feels like...oh sugar cookies 

(This is how Luke curses, change my mind) 

NOW he gets why it said that field was “off limits”....

All is well when Lucifer is waiting at the altar and you saunter in looking absolutely stunning.

The color, the fit, everything looked amazing and no one could keep their eyes off you.

You bet your butt Solomon and Simeon were balling their eyes out on your side of the altar.

For your happiness or because you were getting married to Lucifer, they couldn’t stop crying long enough to clarify.

Your eyes were set on your love though, even Lucifer couldn’t help but forget everything that was troubling him earlier when he saw you approach him

Cue all the brothers beginning to UGLY SOB.

You thought that was the end of it, oh honey….not even close.

Barbatos is the ordained minister, trust me it shocks everyone but he’s got the credentials.

He can’t stop glancing at the prince, who is visibly distressed by the situation.

Oh f...Did Barbatos just call Lucifer….Satan?

By the shocked look on everyone's face, except Satan who looks smug AF, he can confirm, yes….yes he did.

You bring the focus back with a light joke that makes your future husband lose the literal skulls in his eyes and get ‘em back to hearts.

Lucifer declares his love for you with gorgeously laid out vows about your journey together.

Something inside you noticeably snaps as you feel around for the little paper vows you swore you kept on you

That’s not it, nope not that either.

Oh no, you were starting to sweat and the silence was getting a bit awkward.

You panicked and asked for a few seconds, Barbatos tolerated that.

Everything would have been fine, but you hauled ass off the stage.

As if it wasn’t awkwardly silent enough…

Did...did you just leave Lucifer at the altar…? The brothers started to murmur.

You really did just run to find the vows, it was difficult to remember the words when staring in such a beautiful demons eyes.

As you returned, you couldn't tell whether you should stop what was happening or not.

It sure was a sight.

Diavolo, assumed you left for good, so he took his chance and stepped in and was mid-proposal to Lucifer.

You decided to watch it all play out.

The rest is history ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[alwayshaveneverholdd]

REWRITING NARUTO ROMANCES SO THEY DONT SUCK

We all know that the romance in Naruto is trash and Kishimoto himself admitted to not knowing how to write female characters and getting embarrassed by romantic scenes…so let’s fix that shit

part 1: NaruHina

(I wrote this down as my notes for the post but I actually like it this way so I’m just copy and paste my raw thoughts lol if you get offended you can write a letter to your local congressman, prime minister, or whoever rules over provinces in other countries)

First let’s shit on the original ship shall we

Naruhina…

- what the fuck was the build up to this relationship

- “I respect naruto and I want to be like him! But I’m too shy to talk to him! I even fainted when I saw him after the blank period! JK I HAVE MEGA HUGE BALLS AND CONFRONTED PAIN TO SAVE NARUTO!!!! Confessed my love and got my ass kicked….then didn’t speak to him until the fourth great ninja war and now we’re married with two kids” what the Fuck

- Also can we just talk about how after Hinata confessed her love…and literally almost died for naruto…he didn’t say SHIT to her after he defeated pain, and it was like she never confessed in the first place Lmfao

- He still liked Sakura! But Sakura always loved Sasuke so wtf

- He even was like “YEAH YEAH” when Minuto asked if Sakura was his girlfriend during the war. Then ten minutes later he’s holding hands with hinata and their love and shit (ft the rest of the ASF) and going up against fucking madara obito whatever… what the fuck

- AND THEN BAM THEY GET MARRIED AWWWWWWWWBWBWBWBLEEHHHH

- It makes no sense bro—people say Sasuke never shows his love for Sakura,…to me, naruto never gave a shit about Hinata, at least not romantically (he literally acted like her existence was forgotten for 3/4s of the show; at least Sasuke always acknowledged Sakura from the start)

- It also feels like narutos crush on Sakura was never resolved (I know that they’re supposed to be shown realizing that they aren’t into each other in The Last but…bro isn’t that way too fuckin late to make sense lmfao) He just suddenly shacked up with Hinata???? Bc her cousin died….Idk man that’s kinda fucked up lmfao

So let’s fucking fix this shitshow

- I get that Hinata is shy and stuff but that bitch is a fucking hyuga SHE IS POWERFUL SO GIVE HER MORE SCREENTIME KICKING ASS

- And can we??? Give her more lines in the first part???? Other than “n…n…naruto….” “N-naruto?” “Naruto!” Like wtf was that dude that shit was way more annoying to me than anything.

- We all know Hinata has thoughts feelings and opinions (as humans do) so let’s have her voice them sometimes okay

- Being shy doesn’t automatically make you mostly mute and constantly stuttering

- That stereotype makes me want to crush skulls bro

- Can we give her some balls before pains fight bc that made no sense

- Like maybe standing up to neji even a little bit and defending herself more during the chuunin exams

- I’m not saying she has to be like “HEY SHITHEAD IM GONNA KICK YOUR ASS” bc that’s totally out of character but she totally could’ve been like “Hey you’re kinda wrong and pls show me respect as a member of your clan and an equal leaf shinobi”

- Also I get that Hinata was inspired by naruto but can we stop making every female character’s rise to power and want to be stronger related to a dude?

- Like fine if she was inspired by him but I think it would’ve been way more of a credit Hinata as a person if naruto simply REMINDED her of that part of herself that’s dedicated to proving her family wrong

- I’m just gonna write this as if it happened this way

- She keeps par with Neji, and does ultimate lose but it makes Neji see that Hinata is actually strong and a formidable opponent

- No more shit eating grins from that ego maniac

- And after Hinata battles Neji, she confronts naruto and thanks him for reminding her of her inner strength

- Naruto, who’s surprised that Hinata is talking to him, is like “yeah, sure thing, hinata. You did great!”

- And that opens the door for their real friendship

- Hinata is someone naruto can confide in about Sasuke, and he trusts her

- Hinata becomes someone that gives naruto compassionate advice, and he cherishes her comforting nature

- Then in part 2 after they’re all a bit older, naruto is kinda like “o” when he sees that Hinata has come into her wOmaNhOoD and he’s attracted to her.

- During the blank period he worked through his feelings and realized he only liked Sakura bc of his rivalry with Sasuke. End of that crap

- But naruto is dense as fuck and doesn’t see Hinata in a romantic way until she stands up for him against pain

- Hinata holds her own against pain for a bit bc she’s powerful in her own right but does get her ass beat anyway bc yk rinnegan and everything

- Naruto loses his shit seeing her cut down in front of him and defeats the last pain

- After naruto gives one of his MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES and changes nagato before his death, the entire village greets him as a hero

- Instead of Sakura running up to him to hug him in that strangely intimate way that’s out of character bc she doesn’t fucking like him that way

- Sakura gives naruto a good hug and is like “you did it buddy you’re pretty cool ig”

- Then naruto talks to Hinata bc she??? Confessed her love? And took a massive beating for him???

- And they start a sort of flirty relationship where they both like each other but like waaaay too much is going on to actually date

- Like they try to between pains assault and the five mage summit but with the news of Sasukes massive downfall and the bounty on his head naruto is like dude I can’t do this rn

- And Hinata is cool so ofc she understands even tho she’s a bit sad

- And during the war when minato asks if Sakura is narutos girlfriend he says “😅 no dad, we’re just good friends”

- Then he holds hands with Hinata and the village and sings kumbaya to kick the fuck out of madara obito

- Then they get married and shit proceeds as normal

- Except in boruto when everyone returns from the battle in the other dimension she doesn’t run up to naruto first okay she hugs her SON and says “thank goodness you’re safe!” And then hugs naruto and thanks him for his work

God fuck okay I’m done