#bsd angst fics

[darling--angst-archived]

Event Masterlist

- if it doesn't have a link, it means that I'm still either working on it or procrastinating but it's probably the latter.

100 Followers Event: Closed

[Dazai x Reader] "Cold sheets...where's my love?"

[Ranpo x Reader] "tell me baby why do you seem so blue?"

[Dazai x Reader] "somewhere in these eyes I'm on your side"

[Chuuya x Reader] "when he calls me pretty I feel like somebody"

[Ranpo x Reader] "I used to like smoking to stop all the thinking"

[Ranpo x Reader] "he's looking for a dog. Did you find your bitch in me?"

[Dazai x Reader] "You took my broken melody, now I hear a symphony" — "somewhere in these eyes I'm on your side"

200 Followers Event: Closed

[Jouno x Reader] "You're my caged bird, you shall sing when I want you to"

[Sigma, Mori x Reader] "You're my caged bird, you shall sing when I want you to" — Hcs

[Jouno x Reader] "You're mine"

[Jouno x Reader] "You're weak, you need me" — "How pathetic"

[Jouno x Reader] "You're weak, you need me" — "I'll never let you go"

[Mori, Tecchuo x Reader] "You're mine" — Hcs

[Fyodor x Reader] "I'll kill myself if you ever leave me"

[Poe x Reader] "I'll never let you leave me" — "You're mine"

[Mori x Reader] "I'll never let you go"

October Event: Open

300 Followers Event: In the Making

[osachiyo]

˗ˏˋ꒰ 🍒 by anonymous user ꒱. . . hello ! I really like your works, could I please request an insecure!reader with chuuya? and him fucking some sense into her? don't feel pressured to do this btw and feel free to ignore :D

˗ˏˋ꒰ 🍒 note ꒱. . . here u go, nonnie ! I really liked this idea and sorry for taking so long on this request 😭 anyway, hope you enjoy ~~

˗ˏˋ꒰ 🍒 c/w ꒱. . . (18+) n/sfw content, mentions of insecurities, body worshipper chuuya, praise, lowercase intended, hints of dumbfication, overstimulation, fingering, mirror sex, cunnilingus, chuuya eats it from the back !! 🗣️🗣️& more + not proofread

summary. . . you've been feeling insecure about your body and started to wonder if you were really good enough for someone like chuuya? but no worries, your lover doesn't mind reminding you how much he loves your body and more importantly, you.

you sighed, staring at your reflection in the fancy full-body mirror in front of you; god, you looked horrendous. you didn't know how chuuya, one of, if not the most beautiful man you've ever met, love someone like.. you.

what you also didn't know, though, was that your beloved chuuya had been standing in the doorway the entire time, slender figure leaning against the doorframe as a dull pain throbbed in his heart while he watched, heard you pick apart your body like it was the ugliest thing you had ever seen. he watched as you ran your fingers up and down the parts you hated the most, a frown tugging at your lips as you muttered something about "not being pretty enough". he didn't understand why you'd say such things about your body− all of those beautiful parts of yours that he cherished wholeheartedly.

you whipped your head around hearing the sound of the once slightly ajar bedroom door shut, your boyfriend entering the room. "hey doll, what're you up to?" chuuya's voice was heavy, laced with something you couldn't exactly put a finger on.

"hey, chuu," you smiled, though the action didn't meet your eyes. and chuuya could tell.

his eyes narrowed, gloved hands found their way around your waist, tugging you closer to him− your back flush against his chest. when did he walk all the way across the room?

"y'know, I heard everything right?" he muttered into your neck, strong arms tightening around your figure as you gulped nervously. "chuuya I−" "you're fuckin' beautiful. so don't say hurtful shit about yourself 'cause it for sure ain't true," he cut you off, now pressing soft kisses on the back of your neck to your shoulders, gloved hands reaching up your shirt to knead and gently caress your soft skin.

a whimper caught in your throat as chuuya's hands found your breasts− pushing your bra up to grope them under your shirt. "i love all parts of your body. fuck, you're so pretty. i'll fuckin' prove it to you if i have to."

"you see that, baby? see the way this pussy sucks my fingers in?" chuuya mused, now bare fingers plunging in and out of your sopping cunt as he had you spread in front of the giant mirror. "mm-! fuck, chuu−!" you were cut off by your own moans, beads of sweat forming on your forehead, making the little strands of your baby hair stick to your skin. "shh, baby. just focus on the way i finger fuck this pretty cunt, yeah?" your lover's voice was muffled by the soft kisses he was busy pressing all over your nape and shoulders, moving your hair out of the way to make it easier.

you could see everything in the mirror, from the way chuuya's slim fingers disappeared inside of your pussy to how much of a mess you've already become− glossy lips parted as loud moans and whines escape from your throat, the way your tits bounce and jiggle with each thrust of his digits. and hell, was it embarrassing. you jolted up when the tips of his appendages rubbed against that one spongey spot inside of your gooey walls− your jaw slacking as your eyes shut. only to receive a gentle but firm slap on your face from chuuya, "nuh-uh, baby. you're gonna watch how I please this beautiful body of yours," he growled lowly in your ear, fingers speeding up their pace as you twitch and whine in response. your vision was blurry− but you could still make out the way your face contorts to one of pure bliss in your reflection.

"yeaah− cum on these fingers, sweetheart," the ginger groaned as you soaked his fingers− your slick running down his wrist and staining the bed sheets underneath, soft curses and his name spewing out of your mouth as his fingers slowed down, aiding you to ride out your orgasm.

you gasped when he abruptly pulled them out of your still sensitive cunt− only to pop them in his mouth as he moaned from the taste of your juices melting on his tongue. "fuck, doll− I gotta taste you, need'a make you cum on my tongue−" he pushed you on your hands and knees before even finishing his sentence− a large hand pressing your back to a perfect arch, face down ass up.

"such a nice fuckin' ass," he groaned, fingers digging into the soft fat and spreading them as you whimper, pitifully clawing at the bed sheets. he playfully bit one of your globes, earning a whine in return which made him chuckle. chuuya's greedy hands ran down from your ass to your thighs, only to go back up to knead at your ass, "and these soft thighs− god, I could kiss 'em for hours."

and as if to prove himself, he started littering kisses all over your inner thighs, hands still kneading your ass before giving it a firm spank, making you jump. "hah, and of course−" he smirked before making his way to your pussy, "this pretty fuckin' pussy− prettiest one I've ever seen," he growled before diving in between your legs− hungry lips wrapping around your clit as you gasp out from the feeling.

"fu−ck! chuuya−!" you babbled, pussy still sensitive from your orgasm from earlier, his nose bumping against your slit as he runs his tongue in a zigzag motion across your clit. his fingers were spreading your ass apart for him, to get easy access to your sweet pussy that he wanted to devour so bad.

shamelessly nasty slurping noises came from between your parted thighs. your slick was already dripping down chuuya's chin as you tried your best to keep your gaze on the mirror, watching yourself getting eaten out from the back. fuck, your hair was a mess− your bare figure covered in bites and bruises that your boyfriend gave you, claiming it was his way of showing you were his. your makeup had been completely ruined; mascara running down your cheek in inky streaks, lipstick smudged− you looked utterly debauched, chuuya's favorite look on you.

a gurgled moan came out of your mouth when two fingers pushed inside of your sloppy pussy, the mafia executive's tongue now writing his name on your clit. a deep groan rumbled in his chest when you tried to run away from the feeling of his tongue and fingers on you− pulling you back before harshly cracking a palm down on your left globe, before curling his fingers further into you. tears were falling freely from your eyes at this point, mouth dropped to an 'o' as you chanted his name like a prayer− "chuu− please, fuck! s'too much−!" you cried out, if it weren't for chuuya's death grip on you, you'd already have fallen face first into the matress.

"you can− fuuck− take it, sweet girl," chuuya moaned into your pussy, the vibrations of the sound making your toes curl and apparently that was the last straw for you− "fuckfuck! 'm cummin'− cummingg−!!" your eyes rolled back into your skull as you squirted all over chuuya's face, his own hips rutting into the mattress as his eyes widen− he wasn't expecting you to do that.

chuuya gave your messy cunt a few more licks before kissing your clit, then pulling away. you looked back to see his face completely drenched− him licking his lips as he gave you a lopsided grin. "holy shit, baby. that was..." he muttered, still dazed as he ran his clean hand through his sweaty orange locks. you were still panting, chest heaving as you tried came down from the euphoric high before looking away in embarrassment, fingers fiddling with the sheets− then suddenly, you got slammed back against the bed. face down, ass up, again.

you heard a metal clink− likely his belt. the sound of expensive leather hitting the floor snapped you back into reality, he must've tossed the belt somewhere. it wasn't long before your thoughts got quickly cut off, chuuya's heavy tip slapping against your clit a few times as you whined, begging him to give you a rest but no− he wasn't gonna stop until he was sure he fucked all those negative thoughts out of your mind− wasn't gonna stop 'till all thoughts but his left that pretty little head of yours. you just had to sit still and take it, like the good girl you were.

©sachiyoh— do not copy, plagiarize and repost my works to any platform, reblogs are very appreciated ♡

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[suiana]

in which you left your boyfriend a little bit earlier than expected (various yandere characters x gn reader) (inspired by mr loverman by ricky montgomery) (angstober day 1)

OH WHAT AM I...

"hey- wait, you can't leave me yet- we still haven't done all the things you wanted to do-!"

SUPPOSED TO DO?

"hah, I'm sorry..."

WITHOUT YOU?

"don't apologize! you're gonna be fine..! just- just stay with me! we'll get you to a doctor and we'll be back to being happy with one another! like we promised!"

I'M MR LOVERMAN...

"yeah... that would be nice... forever together... like we promised..."

you smile tenderly at him, brushing a stray strand of hair away from his tear stricken face. your breath is shallow, hands shaking from the cold as you try to stay conscious. huh, was your boyfriend always this beautiful?

"have i ever told you how beautiful you are?"

AND I MISS MY LOVER, MAN...

"you have! you always have! now just shut up and focus on trying to stay alive!"

he sobs, holding your body in his arms as the snow around you stains red. his bloodied arms are shaking fervently as he grips you as though his life depended on it. you can't help but sigh slightly at this. even when you were dying, he just had to grip you like a stress ball.

I'M MR LOVERMAN...

"we both know i won't make it-"

"shut up! you can't leave me too! you'll be fine and- and we'll be back to being happy together!"

he sniffles, eyes red as he tries to keep a positive attitude about this situation. yeah you were dying, how tragic and sad. you both know this fact, but your obsessed lover just had to be delusional and hope for a miracle to happen. he didn't want to loose you after all. you were all he had left.

yet you weren't worried at all. not about the fact that your lovesick boyfriend was trying to delude himself into thinking you were alright. nor about the fact that you would be dying in less than 10 minutes.

...for all you could focus on was how his teary eyes, soft sniffles, the setting sun and the falling snow surrounding you two... made him look much more beautiful than before.

OH, AND I MISS MY LOVER

"you're beautiful."

"shut up! this isn't the time for flirting!"

you couldn't help but let out a chuckle. your boyfriend was just too cute.

I'M MR LOVERMAN...

"can't i flirt a bit with my handsome boyfriend before i die?"

"shut... shut up! you won't die! i won't let you!"

you hummed in response to his statement, smiling softly at his harsh yet loving tone. and it was then that you realised how much you loved him despite all the things he had done wrong.

AND I MISS MY LOVERMAN...

"what's so funny?!"

"nothing... just thinking about how much i love you."

he stares at you, a grim expression on his face as his hold on you increases tenfold. the aura around him changes and something in him seems to snap. maybe it's the realization that you're actually going to leave him?

I'M MR LOVERMAN...

suddenly, he connects the both of your lips, kissing you passionately yet ever so gently, as though you were a fragile flower. his tears stain your cheeks, desperate hands warming your cold body as he continues to kiss you like he was on limited time.

except he actually was, for this would be the last kiss you two shared.

when he had his fill, he pulled away from you, lips swollen as his tears just never seemed to stop falling. he hides his face in the crook of your neck, sobbing into your once warm skin as you mustered up the strength to slowly stroke his soft hair.

"i love you! i love you so much! please don't leave me!"

AND I MISS MY LOVER.

"i love you too."

you smile softly as he continues to sob into your neck. you truly wanted to stay like this with him forever, but the more your hands stroke his head, the more you felt yourself slipping into the comforting touch of death.

"...don't forget about me, okay?"

the male stops sobbing for a second, pulling away from your neck to scold you.

"how could i ever forget about you? dumbass..."

he grumbles, hiding in your neck once more as you laugh weakly, your arm falling onto his head in an attempt to comfort him.

"don't... come over too soon, okay? go and... live your life."

you pause for a bit before continuing.

"I'll always... be here for you."

the male hums in response, not wanting to talk as he feels your hand drop from his head. when you do so, he shivers slightly. ah... has it always been this cold?

"...what an idiot."

he mumbles, staring at your peaceful face as the once neverending tears stop falling from his beautiful eyes.

...you really left him, huh?

"not only did you leave me, but you also took my heart with you too... how cruel."

he just wanted to love you until the both of you had grey hair. so why did you have to be such a fool and slip from his grasp now?

chuuya nakahara, mushitaro oguri, gojo satoru, yuji itadori, danheng, gepard landau, wanderer/scaramouche, kaveh, denji, your faves<3

[awoogayanderes]

it takes the comfort of one person

➪ pairing : post pm ! osamu dazai x reader

➪ sypnosis : the sins of the past don’t always determine someone’s soul

➪ other notes : i have so many ideas but i genuinely don’t know how to write them out, but here you guys go :3

“do you think i’m a bad person ?” dazai asks you, his eyes staring into yours.

“what’s this about ?” you respond, lighting a cigarette, hands trembling in the dark.

“just thinking,” he says, “well don’t,” you sigh at the young man in front of you.

you can tell this affected him by the awkward silence he returns, looking away from you.

you sigh, "the trauma you experienced is very real, and and what that man had you do isn’t okay...but that doesn’t make you an angel either,” you say, an attempt to comfort him.

dazai doesn’t say anything, his fingers grabbing your cigarette, holding it up to his lips.

“and that’s okay, if you can recognize your own actions, you are the furthest from a bad person you can get,” you continue with a soft tone.

when you turned to look at dazai, for the first time in all the years you’ve known him, you saw a light shine in his eyes.

[hopelessdazai]

✿ 》 Will you talk to me again?

╰⧼ 🪻 note.. ⧽ ; I don't expect this to do well because its not smut but it'd be nice !! reblogs appreciated, support your creators :)

╰⧼ ☀️ features.. ⧽ ; @saelique angst collab!! dazai x gn!reader, WC ; 784

╰⧼ 🌙 contents.. ⧽ ; angst, reader isn't alive, letter from dazai. he's trying very hard to keep himself stable but it's not working™.

To my dearest ______ .

It's been a while, hasn't it? I hope you don't mind me writing to you like this, it's simply been too long. I'm sure you're still angry at me, so seeing you physically isn't my best interest right now! haha, I'm sorry. you know I'm just joking around, don't you? I'd love to see you in person. I'm sure you would've punched my arm if you heard me out loud right now, wouldn't you? I'm glad I'm spared of the bruises.

what does someone put in a letter? that's what I was asking myself before I even began writing. I decided that the best way to do something like this was to just write whatever I feel true as pen touches paper. I hope it makes sense to you, at the least. if I'm pouring my heart out on some paper only for it to be misunderstood, it feels like a waste, no?

though, i'd be lying if i said it wouldn't be rather cute to see you try to fathom what I mean. did you know you scrunch your nose like a bunny sometimes when you're reading? I'm sure you're doing that now too. you'll get wrinkles very at this rate ..

but anyway, I managed to prank kunikida the other day! you remember that hair dye trick I'd told you about? I managed to break into his apartment and swap out his shampoo, at last! he came into work the next day with black hair, it was hilarious, you should've been here! he was so angry with me. beat me black and blue!

oh, _____. I got a new heated blanket for our bed, you know? it took a while to save up for it, and I had to cut out some other necessities, sure. but it makes everything so much better! I hate cold beds, I'm sure you know that better then anyone. haha, back before we moved in together when I'd break into your apartment and crawl into bed with you. I'm sorry for the amount of locks I broke, but your place was so cozy!

... you know, it's been really hard without you here. I miss you so painfully, and I don't mean to call into the void without even an echo, but its killing me to pretend I'm fine about any of this. I'm not fine with this, how am I supposed to be? I wish it was just a bad dream.

I don't want to have to write letters to you anymore, ______. I don't want to have to buy heated blankets to try and stop my arms from aching for your warmth. I don't want you to be angry with me, I'm sorry I didn't apologise to you before you were gone. I shouldn't have been so stupid.

i had so many words on my mind that I was too afraid to say. maybe if I faced myself and told you 'I love you' it would've stopped you leaving.

have you met odasaku yet? has he told you any stories of his time? I wish I could hear your voice again. I wish you could answer my questions. even to hear you scoff at my stupidity again would heal me. I'm sorry I was annoying, I just wanted your attention. it stings knowing I'll never get it again.

I can't keep repeating to myself that you're not gone. I can't keep buying your perfume and pretending that you're in the next room over. your pillow doesn't smell like you anymore.

I wish I could apologise properly. I wish I could've stopped you from leaving the house that night. I wish I could kill myself to join you and yet I know we won't cross paths again in the afterlife. you were always too good for me, ______. i was nothing compared to you.

i picked up a homeless dog yesterday. you'd always wanted a puppy, I'm sorry I never let you bring one home. I named it after you. im trying to get used to them, I promise. if I couldn't save you, I'll save your name.

I'm sorry. if I continue writing, my throat will hurt more. its strange, isn't it? crying makes your throat sore. I forgot what it was like for a while, I remember laying in your arms wondering if I'd ever have a reason to cry again. now I can't seem to help myself.

keep your wings clean for me, white looks good on you. its a shame you couldn't wear the wedding attire i wished to see you in one day. you would've looked amazing.

I'll write again, missing you is the greatest honor.

sincerely, your osamu.

[raccoonwxrks]

15 Soukoku au but make it a lot angst

I don't really know what to say about this because it's a bit complex, so let's just say that it's similar to the original story, but there are no powers and Dazai is REALLY not good... really really NOT good--

[scarletgray]

SOUKOKU ANGST WITH A HAPPY ENDING FIC RECS!!

⚠️WARNING⚠️ some of these are ANGST with a hopeful ending you will cry scream throw up maybe hallucinate but all's well that ends well amirite. Also some of these are just a little teeny tiny angsty and full of fluffy happy happy so you guys can play russian roulette.

This is how it feels to take a fall by forest_raccoon (FERAL DAZAI UNHINGED DAZAI WE STAN)

Willful Neglect by Anonymous (just search by title on ao3)

I'll Always Come for Chuuya by Anonymous

I Was Screaming Your Name Through The Radio by ElectricSplatter (slowest burn in the world but istg a few scenes made it so worth it for me)

A Lesson in Thorns by arkastadt (read tags!!)

When I Awake by wildflowertea

Because I'm not me without you by millelav (laugh and cry so adorable 10/10)

For One Day by StarshipDancer (oh yk its good when its starship dancer)

A peer behind the mask by karmicMayhem (dazai backstory I REALLY LOVE THIS ONE definitely my top 10 fics ever)

it's easy, if it's you by lunarumbra (I LOVE fake/pretend relationships)

Lie, Lie, Truth by StarshipDancer

i'll bleed out for you by StarshipDancer (RATTATA IS ADORABLE I ACTUALLY CRIED KILLED MYSELF)

Linger by iskendaris (I CRIED SCREAMED DIED)

Six peculiar things about Chuuya Nakahara according to Dazai. by BlowingYourMind (more like hurt comfort but CUTE)

Untainted Memories by serenathea (CRYINGGGG CRYING)

Narrow Staircases by rutu14 (ik i added this in my previous fic recs but i just have to mention it again bc it is ANGST with a hopeful ending and just so so good go read it again even)

No longer... Adult? by Windztone (i need to hug baby dazai or i die)

picking a flower that blooms on the heart for you by burgundytshirt

home is where the heart is by setosdarkness

360 degrees by setosdarkness

dearest hatrack by xxalwayssofia

This Isn't Giving Up, No This is Letting Go by Erica45

Do I Get My Worthless Reward Yet? by World_Ender22

[whathorselegs]

What if, instead of a scenario where Chuuya gets so desperate he uses Corruption when Dazai's not around, it's one where Chuuya gets so desperate he tries pushing his body and ability way past his limits without using Corruption.

Using Corruption doesn't even cross his mind, because Dazai's not there. But he knows full well what he's capable of doing with it, how long his body can withstand his gravity when its beyond his control. Chuuya, who grew used to being the strongest, being put back into a position where he's suddenly not again. Chuuya refusing to lose the way he has so many times in the past, willingly tearing himself apart to keep a hold of all he has.

What if, instead of Dazai arriving almost too late to stop Corruption, he arrives to this. He saw the level of destruction Chuuya was putting out, heard the way his partner was screaming. It had to be Corruption. So he races to get to Chuuya, expecting to be able to make some silly jab about how careless Chuuya was afterwards, because in his head everything is already fine. It always was.

Only to find Chuuya a wreak, physically broken, caught somewhere between his past grief and his current desperation. And he has to deal with the knowledge it wasn't Corruption that did this, Chuuya did this to himself.

[gfdazai]

Kissing his tears away. ♡

no cws rlly, Atsushi is having a flashback and is in a state of confusion for the first half of it. established relationship. It implies his episodes to be a repeated thing towards the end. Hurt/comfort? Wc 500ish, not edited/proofchecked. GN reader! {No pronouns or terms (other than precious) being used towards reader.}

Atsushi, who's crying after having an episode of flashbacks. He's stuck in his dorm, curled up in a closet as he mutters and pleads for whoever to stop.

You, precious, you. You stepping into his dorm, the door falling shut alarming him of your presence — taking your shoes off by the door, wanting to be polite, after all.

Atsushi doesn't want to come out of the closet, scared of what's waiting outside of it for him. He's shaking — his breathing quiet, but panicked.

He's wants to plead for forgiveness, scared of whatever punishment he's getting from the head of the orphanage, but is frozen when he hears footsteps approaching.

He puts his hands over his mouth, squeezing his eyes shut, silently praying for forgiveness, when he hears a short, soft voice.

"Atsushi?"

He pauses, not sure of what to do. What if this was all a trick? He's probably imagining you, and the director will find him any moment...

He doesn't fight when you gently tug him up, or out of the closet, just apologizing and standing there, unsure of what to do. ...Should he say he's fine, when he's clearly not?... He's never been caught in this bad of an episode. He's supposed to be bright and sunny Atsushi Nakajima.

"Atsushi..." You say softly, "Can I touch you?" His eyes slowly and hesitantly open, eyes fluttering to your face — the image being slightly distorted by his tearful eyes.

His hands slowly unclench his hair, the stinging finally settling into his scalp — he hopes he didn't cause himself to bleed. Again. He nods a little, swallowing — not trusting his voice.

You smile, and God. You look so trustworthy, so... So different from the director. Of course you're not the director — how could he ever think so?... The director is gone, Atsushi is out of the orphanage. He's not there anymore... He shouldn't be having these thoughts — these memories.

You gently tug him onto the couch, your hand lovingly combing out the tangles in his messy hair. He lets you. He stiffens a little at first, but when you intertwine your fingers with his? His breathing grows a little softer.

"Would you be comfortable sharing what triggered you?" You ask, voice not pressuring him at all, but he still feels guilty for not answering automatically. He swallows, his gaze falling to the floor as he shakes his head.

"It's okay, Atsushi." You murmur, and he feels your soft, slightly warm lips pressing against the coolness of his tears. When did he start crying?... He sniffles pathetically at that.

"I'm sorry..." He mutters, hiding his face in his hands. "I'm sorry." He repeats. He doesn't know how to react, but he doesn't stop you again.

"It's okay. I'm not mad." You mumble softly, and he folds, turning and clinging to you. He hides his face in your neck and just... Cries. He cries like a broken boy — like a broken child.

You kiss his tears, kissing away the salty, memories of the past. You kiss away his scars, his scares — his past.

Please don't steal my work, nor feed it to any sort of AI. Thank you! ♡

[xiaosonlybeloved]

Our Love is Six Feet Under- Nakahara Chuuya

featuring: Nakahara Chuuya (bsd), gn!reader (no pronouns mentioned) warnings:- angst throughout, major character death, major light novel (stormbringer) spoilers!! a/n:- my, my, this idea has actually been rotting in my brain for over a month and its my longest fic till date. i loved writing it i hope u guys like it too <33 heavily inspired by 'six feet under' by billie eilish

wc: 3k || masterlists

You feel like you’ve been through worse than hell and back when you drag your eyes open. It doesn’t take you long to assess your situation and remember what had happened to you in the first place to get you attached to a hospital bed with various machines around you.

You promptly wish you’d rather have died instead, or never woken up. Not having had to deal with the pain that stabbed your heart like a thousand serrated, unforgiving knives would be a million times better than being alive. It would have been so much better than being the only survivor. 

Technically, you should feel no personal guilt over the Flags’ deaths. Its not like you had been hired to protect them, and what you had been paid to specifically do is the only thing that matters when you’re an assassin. Especially when the Port Mafia is the one who outsourced you. The blame of their deaths could, in no way, be pinned upon you.

Having feelings is what gets someone killed in the world you live in, a dark world in the deepest shadows of the city. Having an ability is no reason to be confident of yourself, not when the country is littered with ability users everywhere. And yet having an ability as unique as yours is how you managed to save yourself from the certain death brought upon you all by the King of Assassins.

It was supposed to be another normal day, right? You were off-duty, so you were hanging out with the Flags at the usual place, who you had become ‘acquainted’ with over the past few months of working together, Mori’s orders. If you could dare to curse yourself and them by calling you guys friends, you would. One of them, possibly the one you were closest with, had left for some mission with a foreign investigator, long story. So you were chilling out with the others, playing billiards and all that stuff. 

If someone had told you that would be your last memory together, you would have atleast clicked a picture for keepsakes. Or you’d have cherished the moment more, rather than treating it so casually. After all, you never know the value of what you’ve lost until you’ve lost it. 

In the present, you shut out your emotions- they’re too much of a storm for you to be able to deal with. The grief at their deaths, the horror at the memory of the sight, the overwhelming grief- you needed a break. You slipped back into unconsciousness, a weight lying heavy on your chest that would surely never leave you until you die.

********

The funeral seems much too loud and way too quiet at the same time, or perhaps thats just your thoughts. You’re silent in the shadows, yet again, watching the processions and the choir wordlessly. You don’t speak anything. You don’t think you have the right to. 

You haven’t dared to talk to Chuuya, or even approach him. He was the only member of the Flags who was not present when Verlaine struck, and thus the only one alive. He was incredibly close to them, you know, because you yourself were close to them, to him. Barely anyone had spoken a word to him, not even the boss. His aura was such that if you even dared to approach him, you’d probably either have your lungs squashed by gravity, or his own carefully crafted facade would break down. 

If, as someone who wasn’t even part of the Port Mafia or the Flags, you had been affected so badly, how was Chuuya coping? Was he? Yet, out of habit, you can’t help but keep an eye out for him. Silently, selfishly even, perhaps you’re hoping he can find it in himself to forgive you.

The foreign investigator has shown up again, looking much too cheerful for someone entering a funeral, and goes straight to Chuuya. You can feel that he’s pissed off, but a few words from Mori, and Chuuya stands up in a forced manner, going to leave with the detective. 

You manage to meet his gaze finally, but you don’t think you’d ever be prepared for it. His eyes bored straight into yours, eyes that had once looked at you with mirth and laughter, and dare you say it, love, eyes that were always an open gateway to his emotions. They held nothing but silent accusations, hidden anger, all pointing their sharp ends towards you. Not a single friendly feeling. 

Not a word is exchanged as he walks right past you, but there’s no need to. You’ve gotten the silent message he’s sending you crystal clear- he will never forgive you for this.

You think you deserve it fully, you understand. Even now. How twisted, really, but you got it. When he lost the Flags, he lost a part of himself too, but he still remembered you. And remembering you was a constant reminder of them, of your failure to save them, of the pain that came with. 

Though it hurt you, you knew that distancing yourself from him was the best thing to do. If you pursued him again, there was no telling what he might end up doing, but it certainly wouldn’t end well. Chuuya likely knew this too, and he clearly didn’t want you to come back. So you wouldn’t. This funeral would be the last time you associated with the Port Mafia, and thus Chuuya, even if it hurt you to do so. But again, considering feelings is what gets you killed in this world, and you’d rather not die so soon, although you actually don’t mind. 

And well, what did it matter if somewhere, sometime, Chuuya secretly wished you’d ask him to return?

********

Visiting their graves has become a monthly thing to you, due to your inability to let the past stay in the past. Perhaps its your own, guilty way of attempting to make amends, perhaps its your way of keeping their memory engraved in your mind, perhaps its to ensure that they aren’t forgotten, even if you know well they will never be. Deep inside, its a way for you to mourn the dead, as well as the loss of the living. 

You bring flowers every time, stay a while, occasionally leave something for them. Sometimes, you talk to them, sometimes you apologise over and over again, sometimes you stay silent, letting your thoughts still for a while. If nothing else, you just stared at the small rose plants that were growing there, one behind each of the five graves. It always amazed you, that such a delicate flower could grow in such a barren place. It sure seemed like they’d be blooming soon, and whenever you visited, you always made sure to check on them.

Time passes, but the wounds do not heal from inside, they just scab over, concealing the pain at first glance. You’ve gotten better at hiding it, yes, but that does not make it any better. You’ve become stronger, risen in rank as an assassin, honed your skills further. You’ve become reputed for carrying out your tasks in a swiftly lethal, unclouded way that left no traces. Almost a year has already gone by since the incident, and you still havent forgiven yourself. Nor has Chuuya.

That’s why, on their death anniversary, when you feel his cold gaze on you for the first time in a whole year when you were at their graves, you don’t hesitate to get up and start to leave. It’s best for him to not see you again. You’ve cut off all contact with the Port Mafia, except for when you occasionally got hired by them, and even then you finished it quickly, wasting no time. Interacting with no one. 

So that’s why it surprises you, when he holds up a hand, walking past you to lay the flowers on their graves. “You can stay.” He speaks emotionlessly, not looking at you. He sounds older, more mature, which was to be expected, you supposed. You remain standing where you are for a few moments, not facing him as he walks over and sits behind one of the graves. “As long as you aren’t doing anything wrong, of course.” He adds. At that, you sit in front of the grave he’s leaning against, replying quietly with a “No, I was merely paying my respects.”

It was anyways evening when you came, soon, the moon starts its ascent through the sky, as silence settles between the two of you. Not a word is exchanged between the two of you as you sit on opposite sides of the same grave, in each other’s company. The only people who could truly understand each other’s pain and suffering.

You settle for silently staring at the roses. Small buds have formed, but they don’t look well- its as if the whole plant is starting to wilt, little by little. They haven’t flowered even once yet,and you wondered if those roses would bloom before the plant died. Could they? After all, the weather was changing- it was raining more often these days. Maybe they couldn’t take it. Even now, a light drizzle had started as you sat, but it took you some time to realise, because you didn’t feel the rain at all, only noticing the faint red hue around. You didn’t mention it, nor did Chuuya.

Perhaps, whatever once could have been between you and the guy opposite you was symbolised by those roses- it could have bloomed, if given the chance, but life abandoned it,  left it to wilt in the aftermath of the storm. Any possible chances for you two were like the beloved ones who had left you now- six feet under the ground, dead, marked by a grave. This was merely the hand that fate dealt you, you had no choice but to accept it

********

“I can’t see the moon tonight.”. You murmur, almost to yourself, as you remain seated against the graves. It had been years, and even till now, neither of you had stopped coming to the grave to pay your respects, you arriving first every time and waiting for him. Your own visits weren’t monthly anymore due to life, more sporadic, but you still did visit from time to time, and you know Chuuya did too. And every year, on the fateful day that the incident happened, both of you never failed to show up, at the same time. Sometimes you exchanged a few words of greeting, a line or two about life. Other times you sat in silence till the moon’s glow started to dim, leaving as noiselessly as you came. Over time, this became your and Chuuya’s last remaining shared tradition out of all those that used to exist, your last link to each other. Seems like none of you was truly able to stay away from the other after all, huh?

“Say, Chuuya, next year, can you check for me whether the moon is visible or not? I feel like there really is something different about it on this day.” You ask him. He curtly replies, “Yeah no, you can do it yourself when you come back here. There’s no big deal about it anyways.” There’s no real bite in his words though, but it still saddens you. You wave it aside though, as you stare at the rose plants, like you always do. 

Over the years, those roses have wilted, died, and new plants have grown in their place. Not a single one of them ever bloomed though. You want to ask Chuuya to check on those plants next year too, but you don’t.

Tired from your day at work- it was more hectic and dangerous than usual- you lean against Chuuya’s shoulder. He remains motionless- he doesn’t push you away, but he certainly doesn’t pull you closer either. This is another thing you developed over the years- if either of you felt like you needed a shoulder on that day, the other would offer it. And you wanted to do it one last time.

Eventually, you two get up and brush yourselves off, preparing to part ways. You can’t help but let your gaze linger on Chuuya’s for a second more than usual as you open up your umbrella- it always does rain on this day, but today it seemed a bit gentler yet stronger- as if the skies were quietly lamenting over what was to come. 

Right before he left, he quietly spoke, the whisper floating between you. “Don’t think everything’s alright between us, because it isn’t.” He always does say something like this before he leaves every time, and again, there’s no real bite or meaning behind those words, just a formality he wishes to continue. 

You let a sad smile rest on your face as you gazed at him, before responding, “Don’t worry, I know.”

“Take care, Chuuya.”

As you started walking off alone, feeling Chuuya’s eyes still on you, ensuring your safety like the gentleman he was, you wondered if you had truly tied all the remaining loose ends of your thread of life, or did you still have regrets? It was very likely- no one could say they died without any regrets at all. And besides, no one’s end was written in stone, unless they carved it themselves. Sometimes, you couldn’t help but wonder if it was ever all too much for you.

The next morning, you call your boss to let him know that you’re ready to take on the mission. It was an important one, involving both a long period of infiltration for gathering valuable intel, and then the assassination of the target at the end. It was a high-risk mission too, but you were used to those, weren’t you?

Why would this mission be any different?

*********

Another year rolled past. This year, Chuuya hadn’t been able to visit the graves at all after the first two-three months because he had been sent overseas for a long-term mission. During the months he’d been in Yokohama, he hadn’t caught a glimpse of you- of course he hadn’t, he made sure to avoid the days you came, preferring to merely see the traces of yourself you left and leaving his own. After that he only got the chance to return there on their next death anniversary, and even for that he had to fight tooth and nail. He was a man of actions, and he would never be the one to break the tradition.

But he’d never imagined that you would break it either. You too were a person who valued actions, or had you changed over the years? 

His sharp eyes scanned the graves cautiously, but there was not a single trace of you. The only life around were the rose plants, not a soul in sight.

Rage, resentment and hints of sorrow bubbled up in him, taking him by storm as he strode over and angrily sat down by one of the graves. He was silent the entire night, letting his rush of emotions subside, staring at the gates as if he was expecting you to suddenly pop out. He stared at the moon, and at the roses. Did you not notice that they were about to bloom when you last visited? Because they were in full bloom that night, for the first time in years, delicate, fragrant petals shining in the moonlight. The moon, too, looked beautiful that night, a full moon surrounded by clouds. It was raining, heavier than usual, but the moon was never hidden. A memory entered his mind- last year, you had asked him to check whether the moon was visible this year.

“Well, it’s visible, and it sure is beautiful, but you didn’t even show up. Why?” He bitterly spoke out loud.

In the soft blowing wind that accompanied the rain, a stray lone rose petal lying on the ground gently floated in air, appearing as ethereal as smoke. He rose up to leave- you clearly weren’t showing up- eyes following the petal as it blew about, landing on a grave not of the Flags, but right beside, almost as if the deceased had specifically asked it to be there. It seemed relatively new too, for he hadn’t seen it the last time he’d been here. He walked over to it, to read what was written on the gravestone.

A moment passed, then another. And another. And Chuuya doesn’t know how long he spent there, kneeling in front of it. He was slowly getting drenched, because his ability had deactivated itself at some point of the night, but he didn’t care. All he cared about was the neatly written words staring back at him, taunting him.

At some point, he understood why he was alone that night. Why you weren’t there to give him company, solace that night. It was because you couldn’t, and so you’d left whatever remained of yourself there, beside him, beside them, eternally. He just hadn’t known.

He could barely breathe, he wasn’t quite sure if he wanted to, because his chest felt so heavy then. Eventually, he noticed where the petal had landed- it was a small letter, slightly wet and yellowed, kept in such a way that the rain wouldn’t destroy it. Someone must have kept it there on your request, and so he took it  out, eyes taking in the faintly smudged but still intelligible words.

‘I’m sorry, Chuuya, for everything. I hope you can forgive me someday, even if I myself never could. Thank you for staying with me, for existing.

-Love, [Y/N]’

A silent tear slipped out of his eye, then another. “Idiot.” he whispered, voice cracking. “You’ve always been too hard on yourself. I think I forgave you a long time ago, I guess I just never wanted to acknowledge it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being too late.”

“And don’t worry, the moon looks beautiful tonight, and so do the roses. They’ve finally bloomed. I think you would have loved to see them, wouldn’t you?”

this took me ages to write, but i hope u like it hehehe anyways votes, reblogs and comments are really very much appreciated <333

[bsdawgz]

「 ✦ Selfish ✦ 」 Bungo Stray Dogs, Port Mafia: Dazai Osamu

a/n: hiiii h i hii! my first fic in god FOUR years??? i have never written for BSD before... but i'm excited to be a part of this community and get back into the ff writing scene and get to know everyone! i hope you will accept me as a part of ur community & that i can learn from everyone *__* onto the fic!

this takes place (s2 spoiler!) after oda's death while dazai is in port before he quits to join the detective agency. reader is female.

genre: angst and da nasty, f!reader

content: dazai is a meanie to you :((( meaningless sex, no aftercare, toxic and unrequited feelings, it's giving emotionally unavailable guy from tinder that you can't help but run to oops?

**minors DNI** cunnilingus & later he's a bit rough with you during sex

why is he so selfish? is it not so selfish to act this way? a girl like you in the port mafia head’s bedroom. shouldn’t you be with some do-gooder? you know dazai isn’t going to be your boyfriend, right? no matter how right you treat him?

he’s not going to say the words, ‘i love you,’ and the warmth you feel in his arms is lost in his eyes. leaning against his desk, dazai absent-mindedly uncloaks his jacket, staring out the apartment window that looks over yokohama. there’s a certain solemnity in his gaze, something that you can never read. these days, dazai feels more and more distant – even more than before.

you approach him from the doorway. gingerly, your fingertips graze his hand, which is idling on some papers on his desk. you touch him, and he doesn’t move, not even an inch, his hand limp and cold against yours. no, don’t touch me, he feels an urge to say. the thought even surprises him, though he understands the impulse. now that odasaku’s gone and died, this body of his suddenly feels dirty. he remembers oda’s words.

don’t touch me, dazai thinks to himself. he aches at your touch. but he relents. sighs into your touch, even.

“dazai, what’s wrong?”

his lips turn down slightly in a frown at your inquiry, eyes clouded over in thought. it’s only a moment. barely noticeable, though your keen eye observes it. then he chirps up, “well well, shall we get to it?” he brushes you aside completely. there it is again, that facade of his that comes so naturally it’s got everyone fooled… almost everyone, anyway. he turns around with that smile on his face. that fake smile of his that’s always bothered you. that smile haunts you.

dazai’s fingers find your waist, his hand settling on the small of your back. now, it’s you who wants to push him away.

he never answers your questions – he just leaves you in the shadow like the others.

“you said you have a treat for me, yes? you know i don’t like to wait for these kind of things~” he hums, looking at you devilishly. “now, how about we get right to it?”

this is always how it goes.

now his breath is hot on your neck, his voice a whisper in your ear. his grip on your hips tighten.

“dazai–” you gasp, suddenly becoming weak for him as he corners you into the desk. why is he so selfish? he thinks to himself again. he knows he’s being selfish. but he can’t help it. your body is warm, and his is so very cold. he wants to steal your warmth and keep it all to himself.

“ah-ha, don’t act so surprised now,” he teases, clicking his tongue against the back of his teeth. “this is what you want, right?” he pulls back again to make sure, a grin on his face. “or am i mistaken?” he’s not wrong – your little rendezvous at his apartment always start and end like this. you can never resist him. you feel your defenses lower. you want his defenses to lower for you, too.

but you know he’s not going to say the words, ‘i love you,’ and the warmth you feel in his arms is lost in those cold, unfeeling eyes.

why are you like this? you’re wondering to yourself. you know you’re being naïve again. why are you just like the others? you can’t stop comparing yourself to them, the countless imaginary women in your head. the thought of them makes you feel so helpless, so angry. when you relent to his touch like this, when you let him hold you like this, it feels so wrong. how many women has daza touched? how many girls has he brought here? did they all feel this way? do their hearts pound like yours? ache like yours?

“dazai…” your voice is weak. your voice is a whisper.

your voice is full of want.

your voice is full of need.

“i like it when you say my name,” he murmurs softly against your earlobe, his voice sending a shiver down your spine, a flippant grin forming on his lips as he brushes your hair to the side. you know just what comes next… and you’re not going to fight it, either.

his fingers travel up your body, then he grasps your neck in his hands. he teases the tender skin with his tongue, languidly licking along the side before finally taking you into his mouth and sucking gently. rougher, but never rough enough to leave a mark. he knows better than to mark you. you’re not his, and he’s not yours.

your head is spinning. your hand immediately goes for his pants, but he pushes you aside. “not yet –” slender fingers grab a hold of your waist and hoist you up to the table. “– face fuck me first.” he says it so casually and deadpan, it catches you off guard and makes your cheeks flush red. then he kneels before you and suddenly smirks up, some playful glint in his eye as he chuckles to himself, leaving you at a complete loss for words. dazai’s always like this, completely unreadable and unpredictable.

large hands travel up your skirt, smoothing the skin of your thighs. his gaze is full of wanton heat, full of lust, as his wandering fingers toy with the garter of your panties before slowly pulling your underwear down your legs. you shiver quietly and look away. “ah, embarrassed, are you?” he quirks his eyebrow, looking up at you deviously. no matter how much you’ve done this, you can’t help but feel flustered every single time. as you avert your gaze once again, he protests with a loud, exaggerated sigh. “uh-uh, eyes on me or i won’t do it at all. you want to watch, don’t you~?”

pulling you closer to him, he presses you to his eager lips. his tongue is warm and wet, and it knows you all too well from nights spent wrapped in his bandaged arms. you gasp at the sudden heat that envelops you, finding your hands suddenly tangled in his soft brown hair. he moans quietly against you, letting you know he enjoys your pleasure just as much, his fingers digging deep into the fat of your thighs. you try not to look but end up peeking at him only to meet his gaze, staring up at you shamelessly as he eats you, his saliva and your arousal smeared across his lips. soon enough, you feel his fingers penetrating you, one finger at first then two and three; he’s preparing you for him. you want him – “please… dazai… dazai…” his name is all you know, a quiet prayer on your lips. this man will be the end of you.

without saying a word, he suddenly grabs you again and tosses you on the bed with a reckless thud. you hear him shuffle through the desk for a condom, then he flips you onto your knees and pushes you into the mattress nonchalantly, like you’re no one at all. he doesn’t bother to take off the rest of your clothes or even his; he just unzips and lifts your skirt again, hands roughly grabbing a hold of your ass, then you feel the tip pressing flush against your entrance. “i’m gonna put it in now,” he says callously, not an ounce of feeling in his voice.

you’re so wet that it takes no time for you to stretch for him. he chuckles from behind you, an empty laugh. “i guess you enjoyed?” he teases, “you’re basically begging for it at this point.

reaching out to stroke your hair, dazai’s touch is gentle and almost loving as he lets the tendrils slip delicately through his fingertips. there it is again, you think to yourself as you feel a pang in your heart. that wretched touch that’s so achingly sweet it confuses you. there’s always that sudden switch up with, fleeting moments where he’s a different person. but it’s only an instance. he presses himself inside of you with a shaky breath, pushing you into the mattress roughly, and you find yourself in reality again. you don’t face each other. instead, you bury your face into the bed as he pulls you against him again and again and again until you forget all about that moment.

it’s better than way, you think to yourself. sometimes looking into his eyes is too confusing.

…

after all’s done, there’s nothing but silence between the two of you. dazai’s at his desk organizing some papers, and you’re sitting on the bed trying to collect yourself as the feeling of shame overtakes you. another night spent in this mysterious man’s bed, knowing you’re in love with someone who you can’t possibly ever have. as usual, you’re the first to break the silence. no point in asking him any more questions, or trying to make conversation. you’ve learned your place. “i should probably go,” you say.

dazai looks up at you for a second, almost disappointed, as though he were expecting you to ask him for more. it’s a rare instance of hesitation that surprises even him. “you can stay if you want,” he says flawlessly, acting it was a normal thing for him to ask you to stay in the middle of the day, for no reason at all. it catches you off guard, but the way that it comes out so naturally has you convincing yourself that the pause meant nothing. after all, what would dazai want with you? dazai is the head of port mafia. you are no one to him.

“didn’t you say there was something you wanted to give me?” he asks, snapping you out of your thoughts.

oh, that explains it all.

“oh, that — i, uh... i totally forgot,” you lie through your teeth. he looks almost disappointed, this time visibly frowning. but he perks up in no time.

“ah-ha, you’re so scatterbrained,” he says cheerfully, ruffling your hair. his words are followed by the emptiest laugh.

“next time?”

but dazai’s not there anymore. “right,” he says plainly, but he knows there is no next time. right, he’s being selfish, he thinks to himself. there’s no point in this at all.

you smile as best as you can, then the two of you wave farewell. as you walk down the steps of his apartment, you crumple an envelope in your hands, the reason you came in the first place, to deliver a letter you’d written weeks ago.

dazai:

i can’t see you anymore. it hurts to.

i can’t understand you at all.

i couldn’t tell you face to face because i knew i would cry.

i’m sorry i’m selfish.

you brought your hand to your mouth, suppressing the sob that was about to escape you. in your heart, somehow, you knew you couldn’t stop seeing him. his touch, his hands, his warmth, his scent. the way that he kissed you; the way that he fucked you. that lost look in his eyes. no, you could never leave him - for it’s become all too routine to you now.

what does he dream about? what does he smile about? what does he cry about? why do these things matter so much to you?

with these thoughts in your mind, you let your arms fall limply to your side and tossed the envelope into the garbage as you walked mindlessly from his apartment, the bitter taste of dazai’s tongue still on your lips.

© BSDAWGZ 2024. Do not steal or repost ANY of my works! That’s plagiarism, and it’s mean. :(( Beautiful dividers by @v6que~!

[darling--angst-archived]

The Price of Loving You

Inspired by: win-writes

A/n: I hate making arguments like this because I'm just fighting myself. Took quite a few days to make. I was planning to kill reader but I felt it as cliche in my fanfics. Not proofread I'm lazy

Masterlist

Fandom: Bungou Stray Dogs (BSD)

TW! Explicit Language, Slight Smut(Kissing), Betrayal, mentions of death/murder, descriptions of gore(blood), little spoilers, attempted murder(?), mentions of reader being an assassin, assassination, fake identity, mentions of torture and execution,

Type: Oneshot

Genre: Angst + Small Fluff

Pairing: Tachihara Michizō x Fem!PM! Reader

Synopsis: When Tachihara betrays the Port Mafia along with his dear lover, things most likely wouldn't turn out good. And of course, it didn't.

It's been a few days since your boss revealed that your lover was actually a traitor of the Port Mafia, working undercover for the Hunting Dogs. He faked everything, starting from his personality, to his identity. You couldn't believe it, that the man whom swore to protect and love you was actually just a lying traitor.

You leaned on the railing as you smoked away your cigarette watching the bustling city of Yokohama. The view was stunning, especially from the Port Mafia's rooftop. You exhaled, the smoke of your cigarette leaving your chapped lips as your untied hair flew when the cold breeze passed by and the rooftop door opened. You turned around to see Tachihara staring at you with a gaze filled with sadness and guilt, and you went back to smoking your cigarette.

"I told you not so smoke so much" He frowned, getting closer to you while you pretended to not hear him.

"I'm glad you came" He muttered a he leaned on the railing beside you, taking your cigarette and throwing it on the floor.

"Whatever.." You finally acknowledged his presence making him softly smile.

"I didn't think you'd actually come" He says as he put a strand of your hair behind your ear.

"..." Silence came and he kept talking to himself.

"I'm sorry" he mutters as you flinched. He felt relieved to know that you were listening but he felt guilty for you to know until now.

"You betrayed me, Michizō" You finally looked at him in the eye with numbness and slight rage.

He flinched in response, you had always called him "darling" or "love" in a sweet-honey-like tone. When a little upset with him you called him by his first name but never his surname. He knew you would bring up that the fact that he did betray you, and he was ready for it.. or so he thought.

"I-" He trembled, he thought he knew what to say and do but when saying it with you infront of him, he couldn't.

"Have you entered the Port Mafia as a spy to begin with?" You asked, your heart aching more than you had expected.

"Yes.." He quietly muttered, his gaze fell down on the concrete floor.

You scoffed in response, now you refused to look at him knowing that if you did you wouldn't be able to stop your tears from falling.

"I feel like it's basic common knowledge but just to make it clear we're over." You bit your lip as you headed to the exist while his eyes widened.

"Wait-" He tried to grab your hand only for you to put a dagger on his throat. He tried to gently get you to remove the dagger from his neck only for you to slap his hand away

"One more movement and I'll slit your throat" You lowered your voice putting it closer to his throat drawing blood.

"Darling, we both know you won't do it." His eyes softened, not that you can see it from behind.

"Don't fucking call me that" you hissed biting your lips. A tear escaped your eye, slowly making it's way to the floor while staining your cheeks.

"Love, please you don't want to do this" He pleaded his hands clenched.

"You lied to me.. no. You deceived me!" Your voice cracked as you dropped the dagger.

Tachihara turned around and saw your state. Tears keep escaping your eyes, and your lips was blood stained from biting it. He felt guilty, he promised to make you happy and loved but he only betrayed you.

"I'm sorry please.." He tried to get close to you but you slapped his hand away.

"Everything I loved about you was nothing but an illusion! The man whom I cared for is gone, he's only an identity for some stupid mission!" You sobbed.

"Y/n please.." He tried to hug you but you flinched away from him.

"No! Don't touch me!" You cried.

He felt as if his heart was being squeezed apart. The one who used to be in his embrace was now flinching at his touch. He clenched his fist, burying his nails on his palm.

He knew that if he didn't make a move now he would completely lose you. You would just keep pushing him away and he would keep stumbling trying to go back to you. He was too much of a coward, this wouldn't have happened if atleast he let you know about his real identity, and he knows he can't keep being a coward. That's why he finally made a move.

Tachihara got closer to you not bothering to hear your cries anymore. When you finally reached his embrace, he hugged you. It felt too warm, your head rested on his chest and he caressed your hair while you were too stunned to speak.

"What the fuck are you doing?" You asked as he hushed your cries.

"Why do you keep doing this?! You don't need to pretend anymore! Your real identity of being a Hunting Dog is already exposed so why?" You cried looking at him.

"What do you mean?" He asks confused.

"Don't play fucking dumb!" You hissed.

"I don't know what you're talking about" He mutters and your eyes widened in disbelief.

"Please.. Just don't pretend to love me anymore.! So just.. just drop the act" you sobbed weekly punching his chest as you cried more. His own tears escaped, failing to suppress it.

"Why would you think that? I love you more than I love anything" He whispers making you look at him.

"What.?"

"I loved you not because of a mission! I love you and I will continue to! I'm sorry..." He faintly smiled letting his tears to flow. Your head dropped low on his chest.

"...Y/n?"

"You stupid fuck.." You muttered quietly, looking at him with pissed eyes.

"You fucking dumb bitch! You're being hunted by the whole Port Mafia right now and you have the guts to call me for a talk on the rooftop?!" You sniffled punching his shoulder

"Hey, hey I'm sorry okay?"He smiled at you,

"Tch! Whatever.." You muttered walking towards the exit swiping your tears away with your hand.

"Wait- Y/n"

"Hmm?" You walked towards him.

"I want you to promise me something"

"What is it Michi?"

"I wouldn't be able to meet you because of the conflict and the Hunting Dogs probably won't allow me to meet a Port Mafia member, so promise to still text me"

"Yeah sure whatever" you rolled your eyes.

"Just promise me it.. please? He pleaded.

"Sure but you have to promise me something in return"

"What is it?" He faintly smiled.

"When everything is over.. with the Rats, Port Mafia, Ada and the Hunting Dogs.. Promise me to quit the Hunting Dogs, and live a normal life with me somewhere"

"Then you're going to be hunted by the Mafia.." He furrowed his brows.

"That's why we're going to run away from our duties okay? I don't want to live in a life of bloodshed as an assassin anymore. And I certainly don't want to know you died in some mission with the Hunting Dogs." You shuffled through his hair much to his comfort.

"Mhm.. okay" He muttered as you continued to caress his hair.

"Also, promise me that you will try to be safe. No.. return in one piece once it's all over okay?" You held his cheek.

"That's two promises but okay" He smiled.

"Hai.. Whatever" You chuckled rolling your eyes.

"Return this if you've fullfiled your promises" You said, removing your necklace and giving it to him.

"Okay" He replied wearing it.

Suddenly, he kissed you as your tongues danced with each other in perfect rhythm. Your arms made it's way to his neck while his was around your hips. Both your lips parted and a string of saliva connected your mouths.

"I love you, Michi" You whispered.

"I love you more dear" He smiled.

You stayed in each other's warm embrace for a minute knowing it's going to be a while before seeing one another again.

"I'll see you next time, darling" You gave him a peck on his cheek before going to the exit while re smiled in response.

The breeze hit the door and Tachihara glanced to see no one. You didn't leave a single trace, he didn't even hear the footsteps of you walking down the stairs. He never knew you had an ability, only the boss does after all. Upon leaving the Mafia building, your smiled faded into one of distress. You snapped your fingers and your ability activated: The Perfect Crime. Your ability allows you to teleport to any place you have gone to. It's a very exceptional ability especially for an assassin like you, you are very valued by the Mafia for your skills. Yet, you cannot go untouched by the organization since your lover is a traitor to them.

You walked through the bustling cities of Yokohama, going around alleyways. You remembered your boss's words after revealing Tachihara's identity.

"Y/n, even if I value you as my greatest assassin.. You cannot go untouched, after all Tachihara did betray the organization and since he is your lover... You must pay the price of his actions." Mori sighed as he took a sip of wine from his glass.

"I see.." You muttered, ready for him to pull a knife or scalpel on your throat.

"You do know what happens to traitors don't you?" He smirked.

"Yes.. it's execution and torture" You nodded at him, biting your lip.

"That can be your fate now.." He says. You closed your eyes shut ready for death to come for you.

"However, since you have provided me with your service until now. I shall give you time until dawn to run, if you manage to outrun the Mafia, you live. If you don't you already know your fate. Or you can make him pay for the price." He explained setting his wine on the table and got closer to you. Your eyes widened at his preposition while you stared at him.

"Good luck. You're now dismissed" He never wiped that smirk of his face as he pat your shoulder and your eyes shrouded in fear.

You walked away slowly, closing the large doors of your boss's office. Your pace quickened and your jogging became running until you were out of breath. Tears flowed as you ran on the streets, ready to pack your belongings and leave Yokohama. You reached for your pocket for your keys and tried to open the door, your hands were trembling and as you entered you dropped down the floor. Closing the door you sat up and began to stuff clothes and necessities to a duffle bag, after packing you were ready to leave but then you saw Tachihara's message. You felt hopeless, it's either you kill him and bring proof or you die because of his actions. Grabbing a knife you head to the Port Mafia's rooftop and waited there grabbing yourself a cigarette.

That was quite a few hours ago. Now you were going through the bustling streets heading to your apartment. You arrived there taking your bag, purse and a fake passport and fake identification card. You ran, knowing full well of the Port Mafia's tactics of watching their prey before striking. You arrived at the airport and scanned around to see grunts and assassins around in disguise. You bought two tickets; one for America, one for Canada. They would most likely hunt you even if your outside Yokohama let alone Japan. You went to the bathroom and changed your clothes since they would probably watch your moves on security cameras.

You were on full make-up wearing a long sleeved blouse paired with a knee length skirt, you wore a lower knee length boots that hide your daggers that resides on the back of your legs. Putting on sunglasses you left for your flight. You looked completely different, you also scratched the surface of your ID and your picture and information changed. You left your phone on the bathroom and kept the stall locked so when they tracked you, your location is in the bathroom. You walked towards the plane, and boarded. You said goodbye to Yokohama, knowing that you will not be able to step back to it alive with the Port Mafia hunting you and you being wanted.

The plane took off and from the window you could see the sunrise, one that you have never felt more scared to see. They would now begin the hunt, and you will have to keep running as prey until they can't trace you anymore. You felt sorry for Tachihara, knowing you may not be able to fullfil the promise you agreed to. It wasn't that bad to be honest, you survived the first sunrise which you never expected but you will have to keep running until you can't no more for survival. You didn't regret not killing him when the opportunity was given, after all that was the price of loving him and you were happy to pay that price no matter the cost.

[sensitiveheartless]

Greetings, I just put up the first chapter of the Skyline Pigeon fic! It’s over here if you want to read it, but I do strongly encourage everyone to check the tags first because it is darker in comparison to most of my other stuff.

[cutie4me]

Best Soukoku Fanfics That Bring Immense Nostalgia!

Someone on YouTube asked for recommendations for Soukoku fics so how could I give up such an opportunity to share some of my all time favourites?! Some of them will make you cry. Some of them will make you smile. But most importantly, the immense wave of nostalgia you’ll feel after reading some of these fics are surreal! I swear, sometimes I wish I’d forget about these fics just so I could rediscover and read them all over again! All these amazing works are on AO3 so please check them out and support the authors! I’ll continue to update this each time I find a new SKK fanfic!

“Overturn even the heavens and the earth” by sssoukoku

Chuuya uses corruption but Dazai’s too late to save him, or is he?

“My skull crown” by YunaYamiMouto

Mori is dead so Dazai has to go back to PM and take the throne as the new PM boss.

“Baby Executive” by BlowingYourMind

Chuuya gets turned into a child and goes through the life stages growing older under Dazai’s care, Dazai manages to develop empathy and a widespread of new emotions around each new stage of Chuuya. (Cross posted on Wattpad!)

“I Was Screaming Your Name Through The Radio” by ElectricSplatter

I’ve not read this yet but it’s really popular and has a lot of positive reviews from what I’ve heard. It’s a rockstar/band AU but it’s super long, probably the longest one here.

“The God and his Vessel” by Churroburrito

Arahabaki lives in Chuuya and they can interact and sometime Arahabaki can come out to talk to people. Arahabaki is surprisingly sweet and overprotective of Chuuya, quite like an older brother. (I absolutely adore Arahabaki and Chuuya’s dynamic in this fic!)

“Silly delusions” by Grinch1234

Arahabaki and Chuuya are one person and Arahabaki is a God stuck in a human’s body confused with how humanity works. He tries on many occasions to convince Dazai that he is a god to only one time in which Dazai actually believes him.

“I’ll always come for Chuuya” by anonymous

Dazai and Chuuya back in PM and Dazai tries to distance himself with Chuuya cuz of his feelings to the point Chuuya loses trust in him and thinks Dazai’s grown bored of him because of his new friend, Odasaku. (Such a shame we don’t know who the actual person one because this fic was so well written and such an emotional rollercoaster!)

“We Are Never Ever, Ever Getting Back Together (Right?)” by sabiEMr

ADA and PM do an exchange thing where Chuuya works at ADA for a while and Atsushi works at PM. Chuuya tried to get over his relationship with his ex Dazai but it’s not really ideal when you’re now stuck with your ex at his workplace.

“Unexpected” by lemoncandy751

Soukoku get paired together for a project and they hate each other… except when they start to fall for each other. Well that was unexpected!

“It takes two, to create a whole” by X_DRAMA_QUEEN_X

Roommates/College AU. Dazai’s a player and Chuuya gets stuck being his roommate and they absolutely despise each other with a burning passion. Chuuya gets a little too close to Fyodor and doesn’t know who to trust anymore. Is it Dazai playing the mind games to make Chuuya fall for him or is it Fyodor? (It’s over on Wattpad as well!)

“If we can’t run together, why did we from the start?” by amythecinnabunny

Immortal Dazai x multiple reincarnation of Chuuya. Dazai loves each of them differently and learns to find and fall for each Chuuya reincarnation again and again! (I cried too much with the angsty ending of this. Lots of character deaths).

“Inseparable” by milwritescausewhynot

Highschool AU where Chuuya and Dazai have known each other for 12 years and are practically inseparable! They love to pull pranks on each other but when a certain prank of Dazai’s is taken too far that it puts Chuuya’s life at risk they must face the consequences of being apart for each other’s safety (due to Dazai’s guilt) yet still yearning for each other.

“Pretty Little Thing” by wallows_4

Chuuya, an assassin, is assigned a job to kill the Prince of a very wealthy and successful kingdom. Chuuya walks in thinking this will be easy when no threats are present, but the next thing he knows everything is dark. When he wakes up again, he is "interrogated" by three idiots. And the stupid prince is insistent on him being his personal pet!

“Of Libraries and Liberties” by Grinch1234

Chuuya Nakahara is the escaped government experiment known as A5158 seeking refuge as the librarian of his own little library sanctuary. Osamu Dazai is the notorious boss of the Port Mafia and by some illogical miracle, they manage to cross paths.

“Still, Still, Still” by icedlightroast

Actor/popstar Dazai x Rockstar Chuuya idustrial rivals AU! After a public drunken tweet confession professing his true feelings for his rival, Chuuya has no choice but to play the ploy of fake dating his rival, Dazai, to help this mess he’s made in his career. Except Dazai is a completely incompetent asshole who Chuuya can’t help but hate himself for falling for. Besides, there’s more to Dazai that meets the eye.

“Untainted Memories” by serenathea

BEAST! Chuuya shares his memories and emotions with the original Chuuya, and Dazai has to fix the mess and pain he has created.

“I can’t dare to dream about you anymore” by kiroiimye

High school AU where Dazai and Chuuya have been best friends and next-door neighbors since childhood, never seen apart despite their differing, respective lifestyles as the genius class president and the school’s beloved soccer star. Everything is perfect, except for the fact that Chuuya’s been in love with Dazai since forever and Dazai has a girlfriend.

“Always Yours” by anonymous

Kingdom + Omegaverse AU where Dazai has been betrothed to Chuuya since they were both children—an arrangement that never particularly interested him—until their wedding night, when he sees the omega’s face for the first time. (EXPLICIT Rating for NSFW scenes but you can skip those if you wish)

“The Shepard and His Shadow” by LynyrdLionheart

Everyone knows the monster in the woods is why the village suffers a lack of resources. It's been that way for centuries. Then Dazai meets the monster, and everything he knew turns out to be a lie.

“The Life We Could've Lived” by Xena_Lemon

A very confused Dazai wakes up in a Highschool AU instead of his usual Agency dorm room. And strangely enough, Chuuya’s the only one who seems to be from his world (him and the mysterious girl who keeps watching them).

“Four Years Ago, Four Years Later” by Nightingale231

Chuuya knows before Dazai, does, really, that the younger man will run. Before anything - even before Mori and the home he has carved for himself in the Port Mafia - he will take Dazai's side where it matters. He hates the mackerel, he does; yet he wants Dazai to follow the goals that Odasaku set for him, because he… (loves him).

“Silver Claws, Silver Tongue” by CandiWolfe

In which Chuuya gets turned into a cat whilst on a mission and (unwillingly) seeks the misfortune of Dazai’s help to not only temporarily nullify the ability but to track down the bastard who dared turn him into a wretched feline. Except doing so is easier said than done. Especially when they’re from a whole new foreign organisation.

“How To Woo Your Husband in Seven Days” by moonlitsorrows

When Dazai accidentally performs a grave accident that angers his precious chibi husband and forces him out of their shared apartment and out onto the streets, he tries his hand at his backup operation of “How to Woo your husband in seven days” with seven articulate plans in hopes that it would finally convince Chuuya to invite him back home. Except each plan just seems to fail and give the redhead an even bigger blooming headache. Plan 7 was the last straw. Maybe Chuuya should finally invest in some long awaited (and deserved) divorce papers after such a hellish week of putting up with that stupid mackerel of a husband’s BS.

“Another Love” by infernaa

Dazai desperately wanted to get rid of everything dark and ugly in his life. Even if it meant leaving his love for Chuuya behind. (Slight Sigma x Dazai).

“When Will You Confess?” by Chuchu_hua

Dazai and Chuuya have been best friends since childhood. One day, Dazai gets himself a girlfriend and Chuuya feels jealous. He then realises he has feelings for his best friend, but doesn’t want to confess. One night under the stars plus the influence of wine becomes one heated make out session. The two continue to have random make out sessions, but don’t think to put a label on their relationship. One school dance is what it took for Dazai to grow a pair and finally admit his feelings out loud.

“Empire of Dirt” by arkastadt

Artist Dazai's bored and lives in a mansion, Mechanic Chuuya's the mysterious garden boy working for his family, and fate brings them together over and over again only to rip them apart. (Super angsty major character death! You have been warned! EXPLICIT Rated for NSFW).

“They said the eyes are the windows to the soul.” by Aprusalve

5+1 fic of Kyouka as she observed Soukoku and tried to guess their relationship and one time she finally decided to ask.

“catch me once, catch me twice” by seedus

Chuuya gets stuck in an ability loop where he’s basically wiped out of existence and Dazai decides to become the Demon Prodigy once more to hunt down the ability user responsible for daring to target his dog and bring him back.

“Something More Than A One Night Stand” by ShireHorses

It was supposed to be a one night stand and nothing more. The last thing Dazai expected was to catch feelings for Chuuya. Much less hurt him so badly by saying the night they spent had meant nothing. It hadn’t mattered when Dazai had said that to all the previous women he’d slept with so why did it pain him so much to see Chuuya cry and act so cold? (EXPLICIT Rated for NSFW scenes).

“build a temple in me” by oursorrows

Dazai wants to surprise his husband, Chuuya, on their one year anniversary, and he can't help falling in love all over again. (EXPLICIT Rated for NSFW scene).

“Tempus Fugit” by Imabukuhoe

Teenage Soukoku time travel to a their future are in for the shock of their life as they witness many (good) things they never expected to happen in their lives- and that they’re gay for each other but we don’t talk about that just yet. (EXPLICIT Rated for NSFW scene! Cross posted on Wattpad as well! It’s angsty midway through but with a happy ending!).

“No Longer Human” by Wolf___Spirit

When a stranger starts stealing people's abilities, the ADA and the Port Mafia team up to figure it out. However, something goes wrong and Dazai loses his ability in the process. The big problem? His ability not only nullified the abilities of others, but also his own emotions. And now, for the first time in his life, Dazai has emotions, chaotic and in turmoil. In the midst of this identity crisis, Dazai sets out to explore the world with Chuuya as his grumpy bodyguard, only to discover that he has never felt so...alive. And then they find out that if they don't find a way to give him back his ability, Dazai will die within two weeks. In a race against time, chaos ensues.

“Twisted Ties” by Cutie_4Me

Serial Killer Chuuya tries to hunt down his stalker who's been stalking him by breaking into his apartment only to be met with an unexpected and (un)pleasant surprise. (Yes- I’m shamelessly promoting my own fic)

"Backstage Pass" by the_most_unhappy

When world-famous violinist Dazai Osamu announces his early retirement, a part of him is sure he will never love music again. He’s in his twenties, but he’s already tired of everything. Meanwhile, up-and-coming frontman Nakahara Chuuya is everything Dazai is not: reckless, smug, and a rockstar. They’re total opposites. They could never fall in love, right? (Implied Sexual Content But Nothing Explicit)

"More like a crash" by Jickas

Chuuya loses his memory and Dazai decides this will be a great opportunity to mess with him. But what happens when he goes a little too far and old feelings begin to resurface?

"Everything or Nothing" by Wellthathappened (Cataclysmic_Calamity)

College AU where Chuuya finds out that the boy he drunkenly made out with the night of orientation is his new roommate. His arrogant, smug, very straight roommate. And the boys are each convinced the other is trying to ruin their life by making them go absolutely insane. But of course, things don't go as planned and they somehow ended up with the typical fuck buddies arrangement. Feelings become more complex and they both soon find that the other is hiding something, a secret that could very much rupture everything in their relationship. (EXPLICIT Rated for multiple NSFW scenes and sexual exploration).

^Based off the song 'Everything or Nothing' by Picture This.

"Lost in Translation (Found in Love)" by archerwrites

Dazai is convinced (forced) to join his friends for a year spent in Paris, and he doesn't know a word of French. Chuuya is just hoping to get through school without any strange encounters, and he doesn't know a word of Japanese. They collide (literally) and the situation devolves from there. They figure it out. Falling in love in Paris is a very romantic cliche, after all. Even if there's a language barrier between them.

[caelanglang]

Down to a Sunless Sea……

40 min-ish painting bc I found another fic that will inevitably destroy me :”D

PLEASE READ THE FIC AAAAA IT LITERALLY SCRATCHES MY ITCH FOR MCD + DESPERATE FIX IT AUGH

archiveofourown.org/works/47642392

[ravencincaide]

Just like Dazai 

Summary:  No one liked being compared to someone else. Especially when you suspect that there was much more to your boyfriend's relationship with his ex partner than met the eye. But did it really matter? After all, you'd never be able to meet his expectations. Because you weren���t Dazai. No matter how much he compared you to him. 

Pairing: fem! Reader x Chuuya Nakahara 

Inspired by Raven’s special anon prompt: “Chuuya accidentally hurts the reader with something he said or done. And he realizes it only when he sees her hurt expression and when she runs away from the room? “ 

Warnings: Cursing, mention of alcohol consumption, hurt/ light angst. hint at SSK, 

Enjoy

“ Goddamn it, you’re just as fucking bad with your bets as Dazai” 

The smile faded off your lips and twisted down into a frown. Your laughter which rang out together with the loud music of the arcade died down in your throat. All that was left behind was the obnoxious tune of the game you two had been playing for the past hour or so. The victory dance and loud screech on your screen and the ’you lose’ on Chuuya’s with an even louder melody which seemed to mock the ginger. Without your joy and laughter you could clearly hear it now; the frustrated growls of having lost yet another round of the game he swore he would kick your ass in. The musings at the fact that he was supposed to be better than you, the bitter one-line comparisons between the way you played the game and Dazai. 

It was always Dazai. Dazai would have made a different attack in that last second, and then Chuuya would have had you where he wanted you. Dazai would have missed that last shot and then Chuuya would have been able to– 

His quiet rant left a bitter taste in your mouth. You had only ever caught sight of the ex-mafia executive once as a new recruit  but now you seemed to constantly exist in his shadow. Dazai, who was supposedly only a mission partner, was someone your boyfriend compared you to. Dazai, the bastard who was no longer in the Port Mafia. Dazai who was so much smarter- he would have goddamn planned better for the mission and then there’d be no casualties. Dazai who’s reports were always short and straight to the point when delivered to Mori, while yours were always too long. Dazai this, Dazai that! 

Dazai wasn’t there- he had left of his own volition while you stayed and served and slaved. Fought for the Mafia- fought for Chuuya. Showered him in love, affection and care. And yet still, somehow, despite not being Dazai you lived in his shadows. 

 Whatever for? 

Suddenly, Chuuya’s firsts made contact against the dashboard of the arcade machine between you two- an action which caused several other patrons to inch away from you in visible fear. Normally you would have scolded Chuuya for his brash actions, now you merely glanced up at him in question. There were two tokens clutched in his fist- a frustrated demand for yet another rematch. “ Another time, this was just dumb luck, yeah! Final round and I’m gonna kick your pretty lil ass, sweets!” 

But you were not in the mood for games. 

You were bitter, angry in the way no one seemed to understand. On edge in a fashion that not even the cocktail beside you- or the alcohol in your system- could calm. You didn’t bother to plaster a fake smile on your lips as you slid off the slightly too high chair. Your heels made contact with the sticky arcade floor and you bitterly mused that Dazai would have likely moved with more grace than you had. No, he wouldn’t have needed to jump down; he was the perfect height to just slide off the stool with dignity. The thought made anger flare in your gut. Your eyes looked anywhere but at Chuuya. “ Another time, okay?  I realized I forgot something”

You caught sight of his surprised expression, the confused hurt look on his face as you turned on your heel. Of course you disappointed him; that’s all you seemed to do. Unlike Dazai who– 

You cut your trail of thoughts off and hurried out. You did not wait for his reply, did not look back at him as you stumbled out of the arcade room. Past the pool tables, pushed through the sweaty tipsy queue of other patrons who waited to order their up-tenth drink and then out into the chilly evening air. Your feet carried you faster and faster for every second, until you turned down unfamiliar streets which lead you away from Port Mafia territory. That lead you further and further away from Chuuya. 

But at that moment you did not care. Because why should you? Why had you even bothered trying in the first place? Why had you put effort into getting to know Chuuya? Why had you bothered trying to share your skills and passions when all you were to him was nothing but a replacement? A replacement for the partner who left Chuuya behind. 

A man you would never be able to surpass, and so you were doomed to forever reside in his shadows. Because no matter how hard you tried, you would never be Dazai. 

Author note: So we start off Raven's specials with a little angst. (Yes I know it's not Sunday, but I have a plan, trust me. So shhh)

Don't forget to check Raven's masterlist! and wait for the next Special ;) ©ravencincaide 2024. Do not copy/repost/translate or spread my work(s) without my explicit permission. If you see any of my work(s) reposted/copied anywhere else without my consent, please inform me!