#but 22 were my safe space kinda like their second chance

[amikoroyaiart]

Some 22 and 09 angst doodles

[crescentsteel]

Just Friends - Part 10

plot: fubu set up with Kuroo, model fem reader genre: fluff, smut, slow burn, angst  word count:  7k

A/N [More at the end]: 

I reviewed and edited Chapters 1 and 2 a bit because I kinda cringed at the errors and my writing was wonky (more than it already is now). No plot changes don't worry.

Thank you for all those who read this, especially to those who took their time to comment and feedback. It meant the world to me who stayed up later than usual and poured my heart out on this.

Part 9 || Epilogue || m.list

You instantly snapped your head up with expanded eyes. Despite the sternness his voice contained, you saw the delicate swirl of complex  emotions in his eyes, one that you haven’t seen him display before. You saw how the contrast of heartache and relief graced his features. 

“I love you, y.n.”

The quietness gave way for you to hear every single word he said. It was gently uttered, but firm on what it meant. 

It was almost magical, if not for the perplexity which came with that statement that enshrouded everything else.

As if the universe agreed with you, another set of lights landed on both of you, popping the enchanted bubble you two were in.

“Let’s go. We need to talk” He moved his hand from your waist to the back of your shoulder and guided you to his car. Still unable to regain your calm from what just happened, you absent-mindedly followed him and went inside the passenger’s seat.

“My place or yours?”

His question made you buck yourself up to the present again. It was the question that started your indecent affairs with Kuroo, and now he’s using it to settle what branched from said affairs.

“Did you really just ask me that?” You were unable to refrain yourself from retorting.

“What?” He asked back even though his eyes had a tender playfulness to them. He clearly knew what you meant but wanted you to elaborate for his entertainment.

You just rolled your eyes and ignored it. “Yours.” You weren’t playing his game. You just rather resolve the issue at hand somewhere not in your place. The last time’s conflict left you feeling vacant when he walked out the door and you stayed there with gloom lingering on every space of your place. You couldn’t do anything because it was your home. You just let it evaporate on its own.

In case things go South like they always do, you wouldn’t want to worsen the state of your already sullied abode. 

So you let him start the vehicle and drive off.

“I really thought you were gone again,” he broke the fragile silence.

“What do you mean?”

“I went to your place and they told me you left. I assumed you flew somewhere insanely far away for the second time.” All the involute sentiments he was carrying a while ago dissipated. He’s back to his laid-back self.

“Why would you think that?”

He sneered as his eyes flashed with bitterness even as he stared at the road. “Cause that’s what you do, kitten. You run away when things get too inconvenient for you.”

What could you say to that? 

Nothing. He was absolutely right. 

You tried to prove to yourself that you weren’t a spoiled rich brat by working your butt off, but it was never too difficult for you. You worked hard, but everything went smoothly like how you wanted them to. 

But with Kuroo, everything was in shambles. And in every chance you had to make things right with him, you chicken out. You blamed external factors such as timing not being right or other people were in the way. But you always had your chance. You just despised the fact that you had to cross certain barriers to move forward with your relationship with him. You wanted things easy. 

Before you left, you really believed that you wanted to confess to him just to get some clarity on your relationship. So why did you stop talking to him at all? If that was your only goal, you could’ve talked to him the morning after. But you didn’t. Because you didn’t like the pain of facing him again when he was messing around with women other than you. So instead of facing it head on, you ran away. 

It was the same when you confessed dead drunk and forgot the next morning. You were scared that he didn’t feel the same way, so you took the safe way out. 

And when it was becoming too much again, you were tempted to do the same exact thing you did ago: remove all the complications in your life by getting away from the source of it - Kuroo. 

With your mind flooded with realizations, you didn’t notice that you arrived at his place already. 

At least that was what you thought because he stopped the engine, but the neighborhood wasn’t familiar to you.

“Where are we?” you asked. 

“My place. Duh.” He answered before getting out. It was sarcastic, but it cheered you up. He was back to how he used to treat you before the drunken fiasco. It was just three weeks but it felt like you haven’t heard his taunts far longer than that. That’s how much you missed him.

You followed him and stepped out of his car as well. He must’ve moved out just recently, probably when you weren’t talking much, or else you would’ve known. 

“Glad to know you moved out of that dump.” Even with the current situation, you couldn’t just stay quiet when your mind instinctively thought of something to get back to his snarky remark. 

“Dump, huh?” He was looking at a certain building that you surmised was where his new apartment was. He scoffed before looking at you.

“Wonder why you agreed to let me fuck you in that dump though.” His grin spread wide enough that his teeth showed, clearly pleased with how he handled your usual battle of sarcasm.

You veered from his playful gaze and pursed your lips from the lack of a good response to bring down that haughty smile of his.

You regret ragging him on. You should’ve just stayed quiet. 

“Can we go inside now? It’s cold” You changed the topic being the loser that you were. 

“Come on then.” His satisfied smirk was still on his face knowing that he won that quick exchange. He waited for you to go to his side, then started walking towards the building.  

When you came back to the country, you thought it was odd that still stayed in his previous place. You were positive that he could afford to get a nicer one. Now it made sense. He was saving up for this. 

While heading to his unit, you could tell from the interior and the exterior of the building that the price of the place was above average. 

Inside the elevator, there was only you and him. He was about to press his floor number, but his hand stopped mid air before putting it down again.

“Wanna guess what floor I’m in?”

“And if I get it wrong?” He didn’t have to say it out loud for you to know where he was going with it. It was one of your gambling games. 

“You owe me nothing but the truth tonight.” Your bets were fun and the stakes were always petty but the weight of his stare let you know that the intent behind it was nothing compared to your previous wagers. 

He would demand nothing else but the truth from you when you two start to talk about the issue at hand. 

You found it strange. Of course, you would be honest. That’s the point of the conversation you’d be having when you reach his unit. 

But since he was acting like candor was of great worth to get from you, you’d ask for something of similar value. 

“If I get it right, I’m getting your Nekoma jersey. The one with No.1 on it.”

He was obviously taken aback from what you asked for. “Why that?”

“Why not?” You immediately asked back. 

He looked at the numbers on the side of the elevators while he scratched the roof of his teeth with tongue. 

“I changed my mind. I want all of them.”

“Huh?!”

“The odds aren’t right. There are 40 floors and the chance of getting it right is only 1/40. If you’d think about it, I’m even being generous.”

He clicked his tongue, acknowledging that your point was valid. “Deal.”

You instantly responded without even thinking twice, “22.”

You wished you could’ve captured his reaction. 

“You were already eyeing 22, dumbass. Your hand literally stopped in front of that number.” You shook your head as you snickered from that tiny victory, letting it take some of your tension away. “Say goodbye to your jerseys tonight,” you added. 

He usually won’t make such a mistake during your gambles. And because he did, you worked out that he must be distressed too. 

“Fuck.” He cursed then pressed the button you just said.

“Ugh fine, you can keep one.” You felt bad cause you even though the probability of you winning was low, the stakes for you were basically a given. 

The way on his unit was spent arguing on why the deal should be void because it wasn’t really a gamble since you already knew the answer. 

On his doorstep, you both hastenly arrived at a compromise of getting only his captain’s jersey, knowing that the inescapable confrontation is about to take place.

When he opened the door, it was nicer than you expected. It was modern looking with its minimalist interior and gray, black, and white tones. Your place was bigger but this looked more spacious because there weren’t unnecessary furnitures. 

The click of the door brought you back to why you were here. All the monkeying around a while ago was just a prelude to this and any impact it had on you was diminishing by the second. Things were about to get serious. You could feel anxiety crawling back to your skin. 

You didn’t wait for his hospitality and sat yourself on the couch. 

He immediately went after and sat beside you. 

You shook your head. “No.”

“What?” A frown creasing his forehead from the ‘no’ that came out of nowhere. 

“Don’t sit near me. It makes me uncomfortable.” It might have been rude, but you just had to say it. You want your mind working functionally so you can’t have him anywhere near your personal space. 

Instead of getting offended, he eyed you with consideration before standing up. He got a chair from his dining area and sat a good few steps away from you. He crossed his legs and arms. 

“So?” He proceeded, imploring you to be the first one to open the conversation that was suspended by the vehicle earlier. 

“What do you mean ‘so’?” You laughed sourly. “You’re the one supposed to explain things. Do you expect me to just accept what you said a while ago?”

He threw you a questioning look. “Is it really that hard to believe?” “You avoided me for weeks. When I tried to make up with you, you brushed me off cause you were seeing someone else. So my apologies for being so skeptical,” your last sentence full of uninhibited scorn.

“Who said I was seeing her? She’s just a volleyball player I’m working with.” If this was a normal conversation, he’d definitely have some snide comments to go along with it. But he didn’t swerve to his usual smugness. He remained pensive.

You couldn’t think of a decent reply except for an timid “Oh” that came from your mouth. You’re reassured that it wasn’t like that, but it was overpowered by the shame brought by your incorrect assumption.  

He didn’t wait for you to recover as he asked right away, “Why did you ignore me after that?” 

But despite the embarrassment, your brain was still running its engine properly. So you skillfully evade his query. “You still haven’t told me why you avoided me prior to that.”

He puffed a heavy breath. “I didn’t know how to get back to that friendship bullshit that you wanted so bad.” He uncrossed his legs and slouched with his elbows on his thighs. “Now answer my question,” he commanded.

“Well.. I didn’t want to intervene with whatever or whoever it is you’re busy with,” you said a bit too quickly without explaining further. “My turn again,” you continued on/

“No. I addressed two things from you so it’s still my turn,” he firmly asserted.

You were about to retaliate but he beat you to it with his own question. “How many times have I made you cry?”

It was an abrupt one that wasn’t in line with the previous questions that preceded it. You flinched from how it hit that certain memory you thought you moved on from.

“Never. What gave you that idea?” You denied as fast as you could. He didn’t have to know that insignificant detail. ‘It doesn’t  matter’ you told yourself even though you knew it was your pride that wouldn’t let you answer truthfully.

You’re glad to have won the bet earlier. Even though you thought you were going to be completely honest, there were just some details that need not be known.

Heated stares replaced words as both of you waited until the other withdrew. He was glaring at you, looking for an ounce of deceit. Too bad for him though because you have no intentions of folding. 

You arose the winner when he’s the first to concede as he straightened his posture from slouching. He leaned back on the backrest of his chair and sighed exasperatedly. 

“Man, I’d like to complain, but I guess your tenacity is one of the reasons why I fell for you.”

You were doing so well but with what he just said, your heart is back to the mess it was when he pulled you to him and said he loves you for the first time.

“Cat got your tongue, kitten?” His smug grin back to its former glory, making you even more flustered than you already were.

“How can you say things like that so indifferently?” You voiced out, irritated at how he’s so relaxed while youre all wound up.

“Look. I’ve been keeping my mouth shut ever since you came back. Now that it’s out in the open, I’ll say it as much as I want to.”

Did you hear him correctly? He said ‘since you came back.’ When exactly did he start having feelings for you? 

“What do-”

“Hold it right there. You don’t get to ask anything yet since your last answer was a lie.”

You groaned. He shouldn’t be allowed to call you tenacious when he’s even worse than you are when he wants to be. “It is not. So let’s move on,” you tried to proceed but he cut you off right away.

“Kenma told me.”

Your solid defiance rapidly chipped from your secret being found out by the person you wanted to hide it from. You could only guess that Kenma told him just now. That’s why he was on a rampant chase to find you. 

The earlier gamble made sense now. He anticipated your refusal to admit what happened back then, back before you left. So he wanted to ensure that you would be forthright about it. 

Even after losing the bet, his goal was still secured for he had Kenma’s story as proof.

You tried to feel any hostility towards Kenma but you didn’t have it in your heart to do so. You trusted Kenma. He must have had a good reason for telling Kuroo now when he’d kept it well for more than a year.

“Fine,” you said under your breath. 

“Too many that I didn’t bother counting.”

Guilt darkened the diffidence on his face. He must not have expected that you would be the type to cry over a guy, especially him who started his relationship with you only as a bed warmer.  

But you went on with your previous question since that’s what was pervading in your mind. “When did you realize?” You were really curious since when the feeling has been mutual between the two of you. 

“Realize what?”

“That you l-,” you hesitated, reluctant to fully spat out the phrase completely even though he already said it first hand. Looking back, you don't know how you convinced yourself to admit your feelings to him when you’re stuttering from a trifling thing such as this. 

“That I love you?”

You staved off away from his perfervid stare, not able to handle it as you replied a brash “Yeah” to maintain your tough façade.

“At the very same night you were supposed to confess.”

You harshly returned your gaze to him. “Was that a joke?” You chuckled wryly. “In case you forgot, I was there.” 

You were grateful to Kenma being there at that moment, but it’s different when it’s finally Kuroo you’re confronting. You could feel all the unaddressed bitterness you buried deep inside take over you.

“I was hoping to get an honest conversation. Instead, I arrived at the godforsaken bar,” you continued with a forced smile, “and stood watch as you made that first move to kiss her, how you pulled her close like ….  like you couldn’t get enough.” The particular scene tore you back then and it does just the same now. Before you knew it, warm liquid pooled in the corner of your eyes without any warning. 

You turned your head sideway and let your hair cover your face. 

You didn’t want him to see how your lips quivered as you fend off a whimper that was already at the back of your tongue

You sealed shut any feelings you had for that certain chapter of your relationship with Kuroo. So you couldn’t understand the surge of sullenness that flowed through you. It must be from how paradoxical his narrative seemed. 

How could he claim to love you when he enjoyed the sultry company of another?

If Kuroo would think of two words to describe your personality, it would be determined and composed, to the point that you can seem cold and apathetic at times. You were the kind of person who didn’t give two shits to anything you found unnecessary or irrelevant. 

Since he met you, you constantly had your guard up as if people will find something awful if they get a tiny peek of what you really are. He couldn’t do something about that. He didn’t have any right to. You two were only fucking around. He later figured out that you didn’t want people to know who you really were - an heiress and a successful model. 

That’s why you traded carefully around people. 

But when you came back and asked only for friendship, you still had your fences up like you were hiding something. He thought maybe because you’ve had them up for so long that you didn’t know how to turn it off, even for him whom you considered a friend. 

So to see you struggling to keep your walls up that were slowly crumbling, he realized why you have a soft spot for Kenma. He’s already seen what you tried so hard to protect.

Disobeying your earlier instruction to not sit beside you, he stood up from the chair and moved to your side. 

When you saw him do so, you didn’t say anything. You only raised your hand to nimbly wipe your tears that were already falling. He grabbed your hand you were using and held it still on your lap. He replaced it with his own, drying your tears with his fingers. 

It was the least he could do with being the cause of it, and he was glad you let him even though you still kept your eyes away from him.

He trailed his fingers down your jaw and slightly lifted your face so he could look at you. What he saw was unrefined vulnerability, and even then, you wore it beautifully. 

He finally understood. That wall you built when you met again was exclusively for him. You guarded your heart from him. You created the friends only set up so you wouldn’t get hurt again.

It made him feel like shit. You really did love him back then, enough to cause you this pain.

“I’m sorry. I was half-assed about it at the time. Nothing more happened with me and whoever that girl was. I just,” he trailed off knowing that the next thing he’s going to say is gonna sound stupid. “used her to see if what I felt for you was real.”

You raised your gaze to him with eyes wide with disbelief. “Are you serious?”

“I know it’s idiotic, okay?” His voice took a slightly defensive tone as you were about to judge his line of thinking back then. “But we were only fuck buddies. I didn’t want to start a relationship with you then realize that I was just confusing the comfort of your company with something as serious as love.”

He stroked your knuckles after he explained.

“I really am sorry, y/n. I didn’t mean to hurt you like that.” His words dripping with remorse from every single tear that you shed for him without him knowing. 

“Why tell me only now? It’s been months since I came back.”

“You were insanely driven on being friends only. I didn’t think you feel the same way.”

No one said anything after. He couldn’t tell if you’re aware of it too, but he could feel tension in his every vein as his next question dangled on the tip of his tongue. 

“Do you?”

You bit your lip as you averted your eyes downwards again. 

“You know the answer to that already.”

Indeed he does. You wouldn’t be this affected if you didn’t. But he has to hear it directly from you. He has to hear you say you love him for real this time. 

“I need it to come from you.” He gently held your cheek to guide you back to his gaze. He needs to see the entirety of your face, especially your eyes, when you finally tell him how you truly feel about him. 

“I… I-” He could see your strenuous struggle to get the phrase out. You eminently tried as you kept uttering the first syllable but nothing after that. “I can’t say it,” you said defeatedly. 

He should be frustrated. He laid out all his cards open for you to see, but you refused to do the same when you had one last face down card that would declare the game over where you both win. 

But he held nothing but patience. He could wait for the phrase he’d been longing for as long as he made sure of something.

“You don’t have to if you can’t say it. But I’ll be honest. I,” he let out a deep breath before continuing, “I can’t stand us being friends only anymore.”

He removed his light grasp on your face as his hand travelled to the one that he hasn’t been holding. He lightly squeezed your fingers to get you to heed the attention he needed from you. 

“Be my girlfriend, y/n. Be mine.”

If you say no at this point, he’d lose his mind.

With his focus solely on you as he waited for an answer, he saw a subtle nod from you.

“Okay.”

It might seem too simple and bland of an answer. But you two had been going on through ragged stops for a year that he couldn’t care about trivial crap like that. 

It wasn’t sweet and he found that perfectly okay. Because it was you. He just needed you to finally let him be more than just fuck buddy, more than a friend.

And when your lips tugged on both corners to form a smile that was directed at him, especially for him, it made his heart soar.

“Is this really happening?”

You had the gall to be skeptical when his actions never hid his affection for you. He just didn’t say it out loud.

“You bet your ass it is.” Instead of his usual shit-eating smile that would’ve accompanied his response, his smile mirrored yours.

You were both happy.

Unable to contain himself, he acted on what always wanted.to without anything holding him back. 

He kissed you. 

No alcohol and no bullshit involved, just taking in that first touch of your lips as officially your lover.

His hands travel up to your shoulders as he scoots over to have you closer. You taste and feel ethereal. It was unlike any kiss you’ve shared in the past. The ache he had for you this whole time was being lulled by how your soft lips cascaded on his. 

His one hand goes up to the base of your neck while he parts your lips so he can have better access on the wonders of your mouth. 

You sighed helplessly to the kiss before withdrawing just a bit, your warm breaths still mingling with one another. 

“Wait,” you gasped inches away from his lips before burrowing your face on the crook of his neck. 

“What’s wrong?” He asked worriedly, stroking your neck and shoulder to soothe whatever it is that’s bothering you.. 

“It feels weird.”

“Weird how?”

You lifted your head and looked at him with the most insane blush he’s seen from you. Your cheeks were a rosy fury that highlighted a foreign countenance in your face. Your orbs were glossy and sparkling with a tiny hint of naivety that he’s never seen from you. Your mouth was compressed in a thin line that he could tell was done to prevent the trembling of your lips that was still slightly evident.

He managed to get another unknown aspect of you to surface, and goddamn what a pleasant surprise it was. 

He loves your confidence. It was sexy. But bashfulness was an exceptional look on you too. It provided depth to your character which was already fascinating to him to begin with. 

He couldn’t wait until he could fully discover everything about you, even the one you still weren’t aware of. 

“It’s like I’m overwhelmed by something until I can’t breathe. But I… I like it?” You glowered right after describing it, probably thinking that it sounded asinine. 

He was amused and charmed at the same time from how you tried to put into words how he was making you feel. 

“You do realize we’ve fucked countless times already.” He couldn’t resist goading further even when he knew exactly what you were talking about. 

“You don’t say,” you riposted, gaining your smart-assery back to which he laughs at. 

“God, I really love you.”

He lunges to claim your lips once more, his need to have more of you back with heightened intensity.

You were getting dizzy from how he was kissing you. It was much more needy than the previous one. You still haven’t fully grasped what just happened and yet he’s already filling your senses, making you forget the tiny insignificant details and retaining only one fact that mattered. 

You and him. 

His hand on your shoulder wanders down to your waist while you grasp his biceps for support as he pulls you even closer until you were straddling him. 

His mouth did not linger too long on yours as it impatiently trailed down your neck, interchanging loving kisses with hungry sucks that stirred your thirst for him.

You remembered some parts of the drunken sex you had, but they were just flashes and blurred images. The sensation from the experience wasn’t retained. 

It seemed like a far away memory compared to how he was making you feel at the present moment.

You suddenly feel him slip his hand underneath your shirt, palming your bare skin upwards until it reaches one soft mound which he doesn't hesitate to squeeze.

“Haaaa. Kurooo, wait,” you plead breathlessly. You were getting overwhelmed by how he swiftly fanned the flames of desire that was spreading throughout your body.

His lips left the sensitive skin of your collar and met your gaze with restrained hunger.

“What is it?” 

You didn’t know what to say. Did you want him to slow down or just have his way with you already?

He must have noticed your conflict so he decided for you. 

He chose the latter.

Both his hands scurried to your hips, guiding you to raise them slightly while his lips find their way to yours again. Not bothering to remove or even tug down your leggings, he slid one hand inside which was welcomed by your slick arousal. 

“Why’d you stop me when you’re already this wet?” He asked with pride flickering in his eyes knowing that it was him who caused it. 

But he did not let you answer as he shoved one finger in your core.

“Aahh,” your eyes closed shut and your thighs tremble from the sudden pleasure as your hands move to clutch his shoulders to anchor yourself. You rest your forehead on his while puffing heavily. 

“Kuroo...” you whimpered.

He steadies you with one hand, but does not relent as he inserts one more digit.

“Hmmm?” You could tell that he was enjoying your wanton surrender just from the way he sounded. 

“It feels too much,” you admitted. 

“Too much? Oh kitten, we’ve barely even started.”

He took the hem of your shirt and lifted it up. “Bite it,” he commanded and you complied obediently. 

He hoists your bra down your chest, exposing your unclad breasts to him. He eagerly takes one perk nipple in his mouth while his one hand goes around your waist. He retacts his fingers inside and rubs the bundle of nerves above your slit in hurried circles that were driving you to the brink of madness. 

He was right. This was still foreplay, but you were already so feverish. 

Your moans were muffled by how hard you were biting the cotton fabric of your shirt. 

“Take your shirt off. I want to hear you,” his voice raspy as he stopped everything he was doing that was making you feel good. You quickly yanked your shirt off so he could go back to doing them right away.

 As soon as your top was thrown away, he inserted the same fingers back again and started pumping in and out aggressively. 

With his request and the absence of your shirt, nothing was repressing the salacious sounds that were coming out of your mouth

The heat in the pit of your groin was building up too fast. It was a very steep peak that he was rapidly coercing you to reach. 

“Feels-ahh-so good.”

He groaned in response. He took out his digits and loosened his hold of you which made you flutter your eyes open. 

“Let’s take this to my bed,” he said ruggedly as he was about to get up. 

You firmly grasp his shoulders to stop him. “Wait.”

A dash of timidness came over you again which you couldn’t understand. Just like he said earlier, you’ve had a lot of sex. You did things more scandalous than what you had in mind, but you feel flustered just thinking about saying it out loud. 

“What is it?”

“Uhh,” you swallowed your nerves. “Do you mind getting your couch dirty?” 

He raised an eyebrow from your question, but was immediately followed by a riveting smile upon realizing what you meant. 

“Not all,” he took off his shirt then proceeded to unclasp your bra that was still lugged your breasts. 

“We can get it dirty as much as we want,” he whispered right in your ear. 

--

Sex with Kuroo before usually ended with both of you scramming to get water or go to the bathroom to clean up. Then when you went back to his bed, both of you just settled down in  whatever position you were comfortable in. 

Holding each other after sex just was never on the table. No one talked about it and no one initiated so you figured both of you weren’t into it. You weren’t sure about him but you found the act too intimate to do between casual sexmates.

You had no idea it felt this good to be cradled by him.

Your head was nested on his arm that he extended for you. His other one was enveloped around your waist and your face and hands were burrowed on his chest. 

“This is nice,” was an understatement that you breathed on his skin.

“Mmhmm. More especially since you’re awake and sober,” he hummed on your hair.

“Hmm?”

He chuckles lightly as he caresses your hair delicately, his fingers sometimes grazing your nape. 

“Yeah, I held you like this the night of my birthday instead of going back.”

You definitely had no memories of that. You knew he took care of you, but you didn’t think he got cozy in bed afterwards. 

“I thought awww poor you. You seemed like you could use a cuddle. You did beg me to fuck you after all.”

Typical of him, he had to be an ass and ruin the moment. 

But you didn’t believe him. You knew that’s not what happened. You did kiss him first and asked him to stay, but you did not beg. Even if you did forget everything, you still wouldn’t believe him. You’re not the type of person to beg.

“Don’t invent stories just because you wanted to feel me up after sex.” 

His chest rumbles within your touch as he worked up a laugh from your snappy comeback. “You’re really something, kitten.”

“You’re gonna keep calling me that, huh?”

He cranes his head back a bit, creating some space between you. You could tell he was peering at you.

“Don’t like it?”

You smile at his question. You found the nickname tacky at first, but it kind of got stuck with you. He’s never called you any other pet names other than that and it made you feel like it was solely for you.

“No, I love it.”

You tilt your head up a bit to look at him.

“I love you.”

You were so apprehensive earlier because of the torment that still lingered from the many failed attempts to tell him so. 

You thought you would need more time, but that doesn’t seem to be the case as he easily whisked your worries away just by being with him like this. 

You were finally able to tell him sincerely in your own accord. You didn’t realize keeping these feelings all to yourself was so heavy that letting it out was such a liberating experience.

As you free your chest with the restless burden of secretly loving him, you don’t feel empty because your heart was filled with content from knowing that he loves you just the same.

It reflects on his face, more so now that his smile is growing broader by the second which was accompanied by a noticeable flush on his cheeks that was illuminated by the dim light of his night lamp.”

“I love you too, y/n.” His eyes exuding profound adoration for you.

“I had my chance to tell you the morning after I got wasted. I just-”

“Hey,” he cut you off then removed his hand on your waist to cup your neck, his thumb brushing gently the curve of your jaw. 

“I have you now. That’s all I care about,” the elated smile still not leaving his face. 

“I can see that. You look too freaking happy,” you said as revenge for how he ruined your moment just a while ago. 

“Well, sorry I’m not emotionally constipated like you,” he quickly outwitted your attempt to mock him. 

“You scumbag,” you hissed despite his blissful smile infecting you. 

He pulls you again closer to him until your bodies stripped off of any clothing are perfectly molded against each other. 

“Yea yea, say whatever you want but I’m the scumbag you love.” Even when you couldn’t see his face anymore, you could still hear how enraptured he was. 

And so were you as you snuggled with him until you fell asleep. 

--

“Sorry, I’ll be a little late, kitten. I need to be here for a while even though the game ended already.”

You could hear him scuffling around with the dwindling sound of excitement in the background. 

You’re already late from your planned time, but he was running even later. Not that you were upset. You didn’t have major plans or anything. You just agreed to go to his place together since you’re spending the night there. 

“You have my keys, right? You can go ahead.”

“I can go there and wait for you,” you suggested since you still have some energy left from the orderly photoshoot you had this late afternoon. Also, you’d just be restless waiting for him at his apartment. 

“You sure?” He asked even though you were sure he’s smiling judging from the way he sounded. 

“Yup.”

“Okay then! Have to hang up now though. Love you, kitten,” then he ended the call. 

It’s been almost a month now since you two were officially together but he sometimes still catches you off guard with how he expresses his love for you without reservations. But you have no complaints. 

Upon arriving in Tokyo Stadium, there were only a few people inside, and some of those few are heading out. 

Thank goodness for that. Even if you weren’t feeling tired, you didn’t wanna get squashed by Volleyball enthusiasts. It would also make your bed-headed boyfriend much easier to find. 

You don’t want to call him just yet. He’s probably still occupied so you’ll just look for him. 

As you paced the area unsurely, you were starting to doubt your decision to look for him on your own. You had no idea stadiums had this kind of structure on the inside since you’ve never gone in one. You thought it was just one big open area with elevated benches.

Instead of going inside the actual playing arena, you went to the narrow halls that branched to the sides of the building.

Just before passing a certain corner, someone emerged from a room that you weren’t aware was actually there.

“Oy Hinata, I’m going ahead if you keep being a slowtard,” a tall, dark-haired man aggressively stated before walking towards your direction.

“Kageyama, you impatient turd!” A bright orange-haired guy, who’s probably called Hinata, came out right after, hurrying to go after the dark haired one who’s most likely Kageyama.

Before he could even pass you by, you lock eyes with Hinata.

A snap of familiarity hits you both.

“Waah. Ms. Pretty!” He said in English, completely and overwhelmingly affable that it was almost adorable.

Oh right, you spoke in English the first time you met.

“Hello.” You smiled politely, still holding up your non-Japanese speaking facade.

Kageyama stopped walking and turned his attention to you. He bowed then looked at Hinata. “You know her?” He asked in Nihongo.

“Not really. But it was kinda funny, Kuroo-san called her ‘kitten’ but she didn’t really know him,” Hinata grinned from amusement only but Kageyama didn’t respond.

Hinata frowned and took a semi defensive stance. “You better not tell Kuroo-san I said that.”

You just alternate your gaze between the two men, deciding whether you should admit that you could actually speak Nihongo and that you’re looking for Kuroo or just let things play out as is. 

“What’s the noise all about?” 

Another set of recognizable faces turned up - fake blondie, curly, and black and white.

It wasn’t hard to guess why they were there. They were athletes. They weren’t just guests in the event. They were most likely brand ambassadors too, except for Kageyama. It’s the first time you saw the man. 

They must be part of the national team. Kuroo did say it was an international match today.

Fake blondie’s face lit up as soon as his eyes landed on your face. He quickly made his way to approach you, passing by Hinata when he did.

“You lost, pretty girl?” It contained everything Hinata’s previous compliment lacked, pure flirtatiousness together with a come-hither smile. 

So the Volleyball national team can somehow speak English. Although, they still retained their heavy accents.  

You studied fake blondie in front of you and quickly decided that you wouldn’t date him even if you haven’t met Kuroo. The guy’s hot, but he seems like an idiot.

“Y/n?”

Someone who you didn’t have to identify by his hair entered the scene, Yaku. 

You wave reservedly at him for you still haven’t forgotten how you acted around him the first you met.

“What’re you doing here?” He, then, turned to fake blondie. “Cut it out, Miya-san. I’m certain she’s not interested.”

“She can’t understand Nihongo, Yaku-san.” Black and white appeared to be whispering but his voice was loud enough for everyone to hear.. 

Yaku threw him a confused look. “What? I met her around two months ago. She’s a local, Bokuto.”

The Miya person scowled, “Geez. Could’ve saved me the trouble.”

You just ignored him and shifted your attention to Yaku. 

“I’m looking for Tet-” you cleared your throat. He’s been pestering you to call him ‘Tetsu’ every single day until you just succumbed to it and it became normal to you. You almost addressed him as such to these people who you presume he’s working with. 

“I’m looking for Kuroo.”

Yaku raised an eyebrow with intrigue twinkling on his whole face. “Oh?” 

“Mmmhmm,” you answered obscurely. 

“You friends or somethin?” Miya asked with an ounce of wariness, changing your initial thought of him being an idiot.

Yaku grinned. “They’re just friends,” he answered for you, obviously anticipating whether you’d agree or not. 

You weren’t ashamed of dating Kuroo, but you’ve had some kind of weird interaction with these people that involved Kuroo, save for Kageyama obviously. Poor guy must be confused at the novelty of what’s happening.

From behind Bokuto and the curly haired guy whose name you still have no idea what, the man you were looking for presented himself and walked towards you. 

Those he passed by had their eyes lingering on his back with Miya being the last person to notice him since Miya is the closest to you. 

“Not that it’s any of your business,” he puts a possessive arm around you, “ but this lost lady here is my girlfriend.” 

You tried to hold off a smile, but it was futile. You didn’t expect that announcing it to other people was that gratifying after more than a year of consistently telling people otherwise. . 

Damn it feels good to be more than just friends with Kuroo. 

A/N”

I want to cry. This was my very first fic and my very first series as well. I'm so happy to see it through and finish it.

I'm thinking of an epilogue maybe next year, but for now, I'm marking it as completed.

I love you all.

Part 9 || Epilogue ||  m.list

taglist (thos in bold and crossed out can’t be tagged)

@lia-faerie-queen @mkkhaikyuu @fastidious-and-precise @winunk @feelkindahorny @cece-lives-here @arendizzle @phantomneko0 @ysatrap @babythotshq @ameliaxo @miiy @kurooscoochie @lucifers-luv @suikrem

[sometimesiwritebadly]

Rehearsal (Peter Parker x Reader)

Summary: Peter and you have to rehearse a scene for your theatre class, which just so happens to have a kiss in it. (Gender neutral reader!)

Prompts: 1. “Why would you do this?” 22. “This is the part where you kiss me.”

Warnings: good old fashioned fluff

Note: Lol this one kinda got away from me. I used a random number generator to choose the prompts and only expected this to be like 800 words max but I ended up with over 2k so. but I really like what I ended up with so I hope y’all do too <3 mostly from Peter’s POV btw. oh and I tried to keep it gender neutral but it’s natural for me to write with a female reader so let me know if I accidentally left a few she’s/her’s in there.

Word Count: 2.1k

Masterlist

Peter Parker is a nerd. He’s good at science and math, which is why he’s attending Midtown School of Science and Technology. Despite the STEM focus the school has, there’s still a requirement for at least one art-related class in order to graduate. When Peter chose an entry level Theatre class, he hoped it would focus more on the study of famous plays than actually having to stand on a stage and act. Peter was very, very wrong. For the first assignment of the semester, students had to pair up and perform a short, dramatic piece. He had been paired with Y/N Y/L/N, who he had a minor crush on. Ok, major crush. After he and MJ broke up last year, he honestly didn’t think he’d find anyone else for a while. But then Y/N transferred to Midtown, and he was whipped right from the start. 

“Look man, you gotta use this opportunity to make a move!” Peter and Ned were walking down the hallway between classes, Ned trying to convince Peter again that this was a great chance to finally tell Y/N how he feels. “Just look up some cute scene for the two of you to perform! It’ll be like when Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie fell in love on set!”

“I’m pretty sure they broke up, Ned.”

“Whatever. The point stands.”

The pair approached their lockers, where you were waiting. You had a few papers in your hand, which held your attention until you noticed Peter in front of you.

“H-hey. What’s up?” Peter tried his best to contain his stutter, but couldn’t help it. Y/N just had that effect on him.

“Hey Pete, I, um, I found some potential scripts for us to use for our assignment. I thought you could look over them before we rehearse at mine on Friday? I like them all, so whichever you wanna go with is fine...although I did put a star next to my favorite piece.” You handed half of the papers you were holding to Peter, keeping copies of each script for yourself. Peter noticed that the copies you kept had already been highlighted and annotated, while his were straight from the printer. Except for the small star at the top of the first script in his stack. Before Peter could respond, the warning bell began to ring, signaling only a minute to get to your next class. “Just text me whichever one you want, and we can walk to my place after school tomorrow to rehearse.” You said this as you began to walk away, giving Peter and Ned a small wave before you turned around to race to your final class of the day. 

~~~

Instead of paying attention to his teacher’s lecture during Chemistry, Peter spent the 50 minute period reading through the scripts you had chosen. Peter already knew he wanted to perform the script you liked, but he was nervous. Your favorite scene happened to be the only one which called for a kiss, but he didn’t know if he had the guts to go for it. He could easily choose either of the other scenes and call it a day, but...well, was this your way of making a move? Had you intentionally chosen the script with a kiss to find out if Peter liked you? Did you like him? Or did you just choose that one because you genuinely thought it was the best option?

The bell rang, interrupting Peter’s thoughts and signaling the end of the school day. Hopefully a few hours of swinging through the streets of New York would be enough to distract Peter from thinking about you all night. For once, Peter was actually hoping New York criminals would keep him busy.

~~~

When Peter slipped through the window of his bedroom, his thoughts were unsurprisingly still revolving around you. Despite a somewhat busy night - two muggings, an almost-car crash, and one lost little girl now safely back with her mother - He still hadn’t been able to come to a decision. Half an hour ago you had texted Peter asking if he had chosen a script yet, and he still hadn’t responded. 

“Just go with the script they want, Pete. Even if Y/N doesn’t like you, at least you’ll get to kiss them.” He thought as he removed his skin-tight supersuit and changed into some sweats and a t-shirt. He grabbed his phone from the pocket of his backpack, and, after another minute or so of arguing with himself, finally began to type.

8:31 pm

Y/N:

hey pete, have you decided which script you wanna do yet?

9:06 pm

Peter:

Uh, yeah. I think the one you liked is the best.

9:08 pm

Y/N:

yesss, i was hoping you’d choose that one. i have great taste ;)

9:08 pm

Peter:

Haha, yeah, you do. We’ll rehearse tomorrow after school right?

9:10 pm

Y/N:

yup! i’ll meet you by your locker again :) see ya tomorrow pete

Peter decided to let the conversation end there. Honestly, he had no idea what to think. What does “I have great taste ;)” mean? Is that a reference to the kiss? Does this mean they like him? Or is it just a joke? Peter sent a screenshot of the conversation to Ned for help, but Ned being Ned wasn’t helpful at all. 

9:15 pm

Ned:

Just. Make. A. Move. 

9:16 pm

Ned:

Betty thinks you should make a move too.

Despite his confusion and nerves over tomorrow’s rehearsal, Peter managed to fall asleep at a reasonable time. Hopefully tomorrow he’d get the answers he was looking for.

~~~

Peter waited by his locker after the final bell rang. As the hallways began to clear, he noticed you making your way over to him.

“Sorry, I hope you weren’t waiting too long. My English class is basically all the way across the school.” You looked nervous. Is that good? Or bad? Have you been thinking about the kiss too?

“Y-you’re fine. I’ve only been here for like a minute.” That was a lie. Peter’s Chemistry class was just across the hall from his locker, but you didn’t need to know that. After he finished talking, you seemed to lose all sense of nerves.

“I guess it wasn’t me causing the nerves then…” Peter thought, his mood dropping a little.

“Oh good. Let’s get going then, my apartment is only a couple blocks from here.” And so you began the short walk to your place. You made some small talk on the way there, talking about your other classes instead of the one class you did share. 

“You have Mrs. Jenson third period right? I have her during fifth. Maybe we can study together for her tests...I know the school year just started, but I can already tell she’ll make her tests unnecessarily evil.” You said as the both of you entered your building. 

“That’s a good idea, I know someone who took her class last year and they said she always had essay questions. Not to mention 5 choices for multiple choice questions instead of the usual four.” Peter responded. As he spoke, they headed towards the elevator, and Y/N pressed the button, causing the doors to immediately open. After hitting the number 4 on the wall, the doors slowly began to close. Despite the unfortunate news he was sharing with Y/N, his voice had a hopeful tone to it; They want to hang out with him again. Sure, it’s just loose plans to study for a test sometime in the future, but hey, he’ll take it.

“Damn. History has never been my subject, so I’ll definitely need the extra study time. I can never remember all the important dates.” Your phone buzzed after that, causing you to glance down at it. As you responded to whoever had texted you, Peter was left to his thoughts when the elevator began to move. It wasn’t until the elevator doors opened and you stepped out that the conversation resumed. “That was my mom, guess she’s gonna be at work for a few more hours. We can order a pizza if you want, I’m not sure how long we’ll be rehearsing today.”

“Pizza, uhm,” Peter’s voice cracked, “Pizza sounds good.” Peter cursed to himself, but if you had noticed his voice cracking, you had the decency to ignore it. You pulled your keys from your backpack, and unlocked the second apartment on the floor. 

“Cool, I’ll order something online. Pepperoni ok for you?” You asked as you walked into the apartment, holding the door open for Peter. Peter only nodded, not really trusting his voice for the moment. He took a second to look around the place as you closed the door behind him. When you came into his eyesight again, you were looking at your phone, presumably ordering the pizza. “Since my mom isn’t here we can rehearse in the living room, it’s just this way.” Peter followed you as you led him across the apartment, then sat on the couch. He tried to give you space as you continued punching in the pizza order. While you were busy, Peter opened his own backpack and pulled out the script you had agreed upon. Last night he had highlighted his lines, although luckily for this assignment the teacher had mentioned that memorization was optional. After all, the school year had just begun and it was a beginner’s class.

“Ok, pizza will be here in like half an hour. Now we can get to work!” You quickly pulled out your own script from your backpack, and turned to face Peter. “Do you wanna just read through it a few times, then once we’re used to it we could start working out the blocking?” You suggested.

“Y-yeah, sure, that works for me.” Peter was relieved at this option; read throughs meant he didn’t have to worry about the kiss yet. “Your character starts, right?”

And so the two of you began reading through the script. It was short, only a few pages, and featured someone on the day of their wedding, and the man who was trying to convince them to leave their fiance. At first, the reading was a little awkward, as neither of you had any experience in acting, but by the third or fourth time you had gone through the script together, both of you were feeling much more comfortable. Instead of sitting away from each other on opposite ends of the couch, you were close, the way your characters would be. The blocking had even begun to take shape naturally, so you and Peter stood for the fifth reading, walking around the room, trying your best to embody the characters as they argued. This time, as you approached the end of the script however, Peter’s nerves returned.

“Why would you do this? Just barging in here on my wedding day?” You said, trying to act as frustrated and confused as you felt your character would be. 

“You and I both kn-know you don’t love him! You’ll never be happy with him!” Peter tried to keep his nerves in check, but he knew what was coming.

“And how do you know I’d be happier with you?” Following the stage directions indicated on your script, you stepped closer to Peter. Instead of continuing with the scene, Peter just stared at you, no longer looking at his script. “Uh, Pete?” He still didn’t respond. You were confused, until you looked back at the script. You weren’t sure how you had forgotten, after all, this is why you chose the scene in the first place. “Peter, this is the part where you kiss me” You said quietly. You had taken his choosing of this scene to mean he liked you too, but you weren’t sure. His eyes widened a little at your words though, which made your confidence drop. “O-or not, um, we could do a stage kiss, or you could just kiss my cheek, or we could just cut it complet-” Peter cut off your rambling by putting his hands on your cheek and bringing his lips to meet yours. You were shocked, but easily melted into the kiss. He was gentle as he kissed you, his nerves disappearing the second you kissed him back. After a while, you both separated from the kiss. Neither of you spoke for a minute, just staring at each other.

“U-um.. that was ok, right?” Peter whispered, as you were still pretty close to him. You only smiled, and gave him another short kiss as a response. Before you guys could do anything else, there was a knock at the door.

“Pizza!” Someone said loudly through the wood. Before you could make a move, Peter had grabbed his wallet and was already walking towards the front door.

“I’ll pay...after all, what kind of gentleman would I be if I let you pay on our first date?”

[joannie95]

Legacy- Part 33

Pairing: Carter! reader x ?????

Summary:  Everyone knows Peggy Carter is a force to be reckoned with, who could have guessed her granddaughter would hold the same ferocity, if not more.This story follows y/n Carter’s life as she faces the obstacles life pitches her.

Warnings: Swearing, mentioned death, injury and a lot of angst

A/N: Today is an amazing day so I want to celebrate with an early posting, i have an interview at a bakery on Wednesday and fingers crossed if that goes well i can celebrate with part 34. This chapter got a little long so it was split into 2 chapters, this one broke my heart and made me cry

A/N: Thank you to @mo320​​ for proofreading and helping with the ideas for this chapter you’ve been a huge help and I really appreciate it. Thank you to @luckyfiction17​ for helping name the villain in this chapter

2011 Age 27

Quite a bit has happened in the last year, Phil and Clint went to New Mexico to investigate what at first glance seemed to be an alien crash site only to end up learning the truth of Norse Gods. All those stories your parents use to read to you about Norse Mythology turned out to be true, in all honesty it’s not that difficult to believe with everything you’ve learned from S.H.I.E.L.D these past few years. Clint, Natasha, your grandma and even Darcy continue to hound you for information on your nonexistent relationship with Craig. The two of you were an amazing team, add in Clint and Natasha and you were practically unstoppable. He’d met your grandma (strictly as your friend of course) and in her words he was a “marvelous young man who’s easy on the eyes." 

The 4 of you were currently on the quinjet going over mission details. You were on the search for Dr. Felix Vozall, he was an old colleague of your mother’s who was let go after it was made aware by her of the extreme lengths he was willing to take to bring back project rebirth. A handful of murder cases were brought to your attention when there was a specific chemical compound found in each victim’s bloodstream that corresponds with a chemical that is needed to create the super soldier serum. Other than yourself he would have been the only other person alive who would have known of it. 

"We currently have 2 missing people who we believe were abducted by Vozall.” You pull up a holographic image of both victims. “Gregory Allen 24 and Miles Reid 22, from the information gathered they’re being held at an abandoned hospital in Fort Meade, Maryland. We’ll split up into 2 teams, Nat and I will take the first floor Craig and Clint you guys will take the second floor. We’re not sure how far his experiments have gone with these boys so proceed with caution, we land in 10 so get ready.” You step away from the group and try to keep yourself calm.

“Hey are you alright?” Craig walked up to you and put his hand on your shoulder. “I know this kinda hits close to home with you so I just wanted to make sure you were ok." 

"Yes, no. I don’t know.” You really didn’t know how to feel. “I know the pain they all went thru so that fact that he forced that onto them hurts. I just wish we were able to get to the others in time.”

“I know.” He pulled you into a tight hug and you wrapped your arms around his waist and buried your face in his chest. “We’re going to find those boys and we’re gonna take that son of a bitch down. ”

“I don’t know what I’d do without you.” You let out a deep breath before letting go.

“You’d be an absolute wreck.” He chuckled and kissed your forehead. “I promise everything is going to be fine, I haven’t broken a promise before and I don’t plan on starting now.” He smiled and walked off to grab his weapons.

“You two looked cozy, explain to me again why you’re not together.” Natasha would never drop this subject. It’s like your reasons weren’t good enough. 

“I told you, it just won’t work.” You lowered your voice so Craig wouldn’t hear you. “I have too much going on in my life and it wouldn’t be fair to throw all that onto him as well.”

“What’s not fair is you denying his feelings when you know you feel the same way.” She was starting to get mad. “If you have a chance at love why won’t you take it." 

"It’s not that simple Nat.” You were scared. Scared to lose him, scared that he would come to his senses and realize you weren’t worth the trouble. You were slowly losing your grandma and you don’t think you could handle losing him too. “Get ready we’re about to land.” You walked away and took a seat. 

Clint landed the quinjet a safe enough distance to remain unseen. “Remember that keeping Gregory and Miles safe is our priority, so if you have to take Vozall out do it.” You take a second to make sure you have everything and get in the right head space. “Alright let’s head out.”

Once you entered the hospital you separated into teams of 2. You and Nat quietly surveyed the floor, you signaled to her that you could hear 2 voices coming from down the hall towards the left. You heard please for help begging to be let go and a second voice saying “once I figure this out I’ll be a hero." 

Without hesitation you kicked the door in and pointed a gun towards Vozall. You see Miles strapped down to a table with sensors on his temples and his chest, with Vozall standing over him with a syringe in his hands. "Step away from the boy." 

He set it down and started to back away. "You don’t understand, I’m so close to a breakthrough. I can create a new generation of super soldiers, I’ll be a hero." 

"No, you’re nowhere near a hero. You’re a monster who took the lives of innocent people.” You put his hands behind his back and cuffed him as Natasha helped Miles off the table.

“Oh my god thank you.” He started crying. “I didn’t think I was going to make it out of here, he’s crazy.”

“I’m not crazy! I was going to make you a celebrity, a hero, a-." 

You cut him off by punching him in the face and knocking him out, you pick him up and throw him over your shoulder. You looked towards Miles. "You don’t have to worry about him anymore. Let’s get you out of here and we’ll get you checked up, make sure he didn’t cause any permanent damage towards you.” You speak into your earpiece notify Clint on the situation. “Barton, Reid has been found and Vozall is under custody. We are headed back towards the quinjet." 

"Copy that Carter, Abbott and I are in search of Allen. We’ll notify you once he’s found.” Clint and Craig continue to sweep the second floor when they hear a muffled scream from the end of the hall. When the enter the room they see Gregory with his wrists bound behind his back and his mouth taped shut. “Gregory? My names Clint Barton and this is Craig Abbott, were here to help you. I’m gonna untie you, is that alright?” Once he nods Clint goes behind him and cuts the rope off his wrist before removing the tape from his mouth. “Are you ok? Are you hurt anywhere?" 

"No I’m fine thank you, just please get me out of here.”

“Hey Clint you take him down and I’ll do a quick sweep on the rest of the floor" 

"Alright, call me if you find anything.” Clint looked back before walking Gregory out. Something felt off but he couldn’t pinpoint it. “Carter, Allen has been found I’m walking him out now. Abbott is doing a final sweep.”

They were halfway to the quinjet before Gregory spoke up. “Did you find that other guy that psycho had locked up?”

“Miles? Yeah he’s safe, my partners have him.”

He stopped for a second before speaking up again. “No there was another guy here before us. That doctor said he was the first success but he had a few problems. He said he was going to try and get it right with us.”

“What kind of problems?” Clint questioned him ready to notify Craig of a body recovery.

“I’m not sure, we saw him today. The guy was crazy strong but really angry, he was being kept in a separate room.”

“Past that tree you’ll find my partner’s waiting for you, I’ll meet you there.” Clint runs back to the building and calls out to Craig on his ear piece. “Craig keep an eye out there’s another person in the building. I’m on my way.”

“Hey Clint I don’t see anyone up-” He was cut off when he felt someone grab him and toss him against the wall. He stumbles up and tries to throw a punch when a man who looks to be in his mid 20’s and a blank look in his eyes blocks it. “Buddy you need to stop, I’m here to help.” The man doesn’t stop and keeps attacking, he slams the back of his head against the wall. He’s disoriented, he sees the man come in for another hit but just before his fist connects he sees the man fall to the ground into a semi conscious state. There’s an arrow attached to his side. 

Clint stands above him with a smirk on his face. “Stun arrow, he should be out for a while.” He walks over to Craig and helps him up.

In his mid disoriented state Craig sees the man stand up with a broken pipe in his hands. Before he’s able to attack he pushes Clint out of the way and takes the full impact. He looks down and sees the pipe being pulled out of his gut before collapsing to the ground, Clint instantly shoots the man through the heart and runs toward Craig.

“Why would you do that?” Clint starts to put pressure on the wound. “We need to get you back on the quinjet, come on stay with me.” He noticed the amount of blood Craig was losing and it wouldn’t be long before he lost consciousness. They make it past the trees and reach the quinjet. “I need some help out here!”

“Clint what the hell-” Your heart stopped, you run towards them and help Craig on the quinjet. You keep pressure on his wound and lay him down as you will yourself not to lose it. “What happened?” You look up towards Clint. 

“There was someone else in there, I don’t know what that doctor did to him but he had near the same level of strength as you. The guy was going to stab me but Craig pushed me out of the way, why the hell would he push me out of the way?” He looked down at the blood covering his hands. “I’m sorry this shouldn’t have happened, I should have been able to stop it.”

“Clint it’s not your fault.” You’d never blame him for this and neither would Craig. You all knew the risks of this job. “You’re gonna be ok, I promise.” You look down at Craig and start to caress his cheek.

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” Craig lets out a chuckle and groans in pain. “I need to tell you something, I don’t want to leave things unsaid incase anything happens." 

"Don’t talk like that, nothing is going to happen.” You look up towards Natasha who’s piloting the quinjet. “Nat how far out are we!”

“We’re 5 minutes out, I’m calling in for medics to arrive as soon as we land.”

You look back down at Craig. “You hear that we’re almost there, just stay with me.” You rest your forehead against his and you feel tears start to form.

He puts his hand on the back of your neck. “I love you, I’ve loved you since the day I met you. You’re everything I ever wanted and everything I never knew I needed. You make me a better person and I can’t imagine my life without you.”

You pull him in for a kiss that seems to last a lifetime, tears are streaming down your face. “I love you too, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I need you so please don’t leave me, I don’t want to imagine my life without you.” Before he had a chance to respond medics were entering the quinjet and putting him on a stretcher. You wanted to follow him but Clint was holding you back.

“Let them do their job, come on let’s get cleaned up and we can go to the waiting room. Nat will take Dr. Vozall into custody and make sure the boys get checked up.”

You didn’t want to leave him but you knew you had to. 

Legacy Tags:

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[broadwaycantdie]

Disneyland / Part 1...The Journey! - Newsies (Pride) Month . Day 9

( all ) + ( modern ) + ( hc story )

a/n: oh my do i love a good road trip // also sorry this is split up, i just ran out of time but i wanted to give y’all something

( this is part one but imma post the second part soon, so this is the journey and the next part is them actually at disneyland )

warnings: mentions of intimacy // minor cussing

background: Every year the newsies all get together and go on their annual Disneyland trip. They drive from Manhattan to Anaheim because it’s cheaper than buying 20+ plane tickets. They also have a collective jar in the lodging house that everyone puts money into to help pay. Davey plans the whole thing for months and somehow things still go wrong. It’s never not a wild ride with their family. But every year they still enjoy it.

——————————————————————————

it’s damn near impossible to squeeze everyone in one car unless they rented out a bus which didn’t fit into budget

but

they also couldn’t afford another car

so they just piled everyone into one van

that’s right

29 people in one van

davey bought a van a few years back that could fit everyone semi-comfortably before they had so many people

it was a big van, made for seating 18 people technically

but new people kept coming and they made a vow to never turn down someone in need

they also added partners and siblings and whoever else

so it was tough fitting 11 more people in an already packed van, but they did it

was it safe? no.

was it comfy? no.

did it work? sure.

they had curtains on the windows so police wouldn’t see in

and blankets and pillows on the floor for everyone sitting and laying and sleeping

they also put up a sheet across the back of the first 3 seats to create a wall between the adults and the children

also cause Jack is paranoid of the police finding out

but they keep it up high enough to slide snacks under the gap whenever people asked

Darcy drives most of the time since he is the best driver

Bill and Davey sit next to him in the two front seats and give directions

Jack sits on the floor between Davey’s legs and guards the snacks

they don’t stop at hotels

cause dear god that’d be a whole other budget they can’t deal with

so they just switch between the four people in the front driving and go continuously

occasionally stopping at rest stops, food places, etc.

the back is where it got crazy

the first row consisted of Crutchie against the window, Buttons in the isle seat, and Kenny on the floor next to them

behind them was Katherine against the window, Sarah in the isle, Smalls and Sniper in the gap, and Finch in the single seat on the other side

the third row was Specs against the window with Romeo in the isle, Henry in the gap on the floor, and Jojo and Tommy Boy sitting on each other’s lap sharing the single seat

behind them was Albert against the window and Elmer in the isle, with Bart and Myron in the gap, and Mush and Kid Blink sharing the single seat

then the back row

oh my the back row

Spot sat against the window behind the single seats with Race on his lap, Hotshot sat on the opposite side with Mike halfway on and halfway off his lap, and they stuck poor Ike in the middle

bless his soul

and Les just randomly found spots on the floor wherever he could fit himself

the ride was eventful, to say the least

there were a lot of games played

the people on the floor played uno, go fish, and other card games

while the people in the seats played i spy, the alphabet game, word association, would you rather, 21 questions, never have i ever, and the oh so popular “shut the fuck up, i’m trying to sleep”

they played punch-buggy for a bit but that had to stop on account of everyone getting hurt and Davey yelling at them

Davey also counted his lucky stars he set up that sheet because everyone’s favorite game is padiddle

everyone played—except for les cause he was too young, also if you were asleep you automatically didn’t count cause that’s only fair—and it was insanity

the people on the floor would fly up as soon as they had a chance to make sure they were safe

it was their only continuous game throughout the entire trip

the worst time of all was during hour 22 when everyone was going crazy and they all started singing

the look in Davey’s eyes was priceless

he didn’t even know how to react

he’s just glad he didn’t have to be back there

god bless his ability to drive

in the front—while Darcy was driving—Bill would rest his head on Darcy’s shoulder or place a soft hand on his leg

nothing too distracting

they couldn’t risk an accident

Jack could fit his whole body in front of Davey’s seat

for how packed it was, it was a pretty spacious van

but when Jack got tired of laying he would sit up and rest his head on Davey’s seat between his legs

and Davey would pet his hair and hold the side of his face

or he would sit upright, leaning his back against the seat and have Davey play with his hair or lean his head back far enough for Davey to place a kiss on his lips

none of them even wanted to think about what was happening in the back

Specs read almost the entire time

Romeo would cuddle up on his lap and beg for attention but Specs would just pet his hair and continue on

they exchanged kisses every time Specs finished a chapter

both Mush and Kid Blink as well as Jojo and Tommy Boy periodically switched who was on whose lap for comfortablilty

they also sometimes just sat on the floor or hovered above the tiny gap between the wall and the seat for extra space

every time Elmer slept he’d curled his legs up on the seat and place his head in Albert’s lap

Albert just rested his head against the window and put his arms around Elmer, holding him

at one point they forgot other people were around and during one of Elmer’s special dreams he starting rubbing up on Albert’s thighs until he woke up to do more and saw Myron’s disappointing glare

Sarah and Katherine held each other a lot

Mush and Kid Blink exchanged more than a few kisses but what’s new

Jojo and Tommy Boy were saints to be next to because they just wrapped their arms around each other and kept to themselves

everyone was pretty tame with their relationships in the van

except for the back row

that’s why they got put in the back, so no one had to look at them

Hotshot and Mike were actually the tame ones

only in comparison to Spot and Race

Mike sat mostly on top of Hotshot

they were always touching

most of the time they just held each other

but other times they wanted more

they would makeout and grab around but nothing too crazy

they kinda knew the time and place

whenever they started doing anything Ike would just slide down to the floor and play cards with Bart and Myron

but Spot and Race

oh god

Race sat on Spot’s lap pretty much the entire time, only adjusting to sit more comfortably or sleep

sometimes Race would drop down to the floor and wrap himself around Spot’s legs

there were certain times when everyone was asleep

with the exception of whoevers turn it was to drive

usually the entire van slept at night cause they didn’t want to ruin their sleep schedules that bad

though they did take naps throughout the day

but there was one time when everyone was asleep except for Spot and Race

so they did what any dumbasses would do

suck dick in the back seat

yup

race ‘dumbass’ higgins dropped himself on the floor and tested how quiet they could be

no one woke up and they didn’t dare tell anyone

when they finished, Race wrapped himself in Spot’s arms like nothing happened and went to sleep with the rest of them

they stopped at so many mcdonald’s, 7/11’s, diners, and random rest stops

the first stop—hour 4—they found a rest stop and a few people had to pee so some people got out and stretched while others slept inside

they got back on the van and left

it took 18 minutes for them to realize they left Crutchie

“Buttons! How could you not notice your seat partner was missing!”

“that is not my job, I was asleep”

they turned around and picked him up

after that Davey made an alphabetized list of everyone and took role before they left any stop after that

it also became a joke within the group

after what felt like the car ride of a lifetime, they finally made it

at 10 o’clock at night

and seeing the disneyland sign was like arriving at heaven’s gates

when they got out so many boys flipped and jumped and ran around

just because they were so happy and they finally didn’t have to sit in a car waiting anymore

they were like children

they are children, but still

they got to the hotel, checked in, got their rooms, and slept for the night

but the next day was when the real fun was going to happen

part two of them actually at disneyland coming soon

[for-the-love-of-a-blog]

A music graduates story.

It’s very unlikely ANYONE will ever see this and certainly not the people who need to see it. I am just at a stage in my life where this ball of hell that’s inplemented itself into my stomach needs to get some relief after the last 4 years. So, in attempts to atleast hide my own identity I will call myself James.

Hi! I’m James, I’m 22, a music graduate and someone who struggles with mental health issues and have done for the last few years. If anyone reading this thinks, ugh here we go another sob story. I guess you could view it as that but I am using this to get out some of pain that is in my system that I need to get out.

I guess we can start at around 2015. A very over enthusiastic musician, looking to go off to a college of music and study how to get into the career of a classical musician. I spent the few years prior working hard both as a musician as well as a stage hand and a few other bits to try and make sure that I had a well rounded experience of the arts industry for my future. Well, it got to university sign up time and I sent out a few applications and got some auditions. FYI, I’m not a very good academic person and did enough to get by so getting an audition based off my perfomance and how I played was just what I needed. So, one thing leads to another and I get a place. I’ve never been so happy in my life at this point, I was just so elated to have some kind of congratulations for the hard work I had put in up to this point. I worked for the remainder of the year, through my exams and anxiously awaited my results day. I got in, I watched my friends do the same and some not get what they wanted. It was an incredibly sobering moment, I had done what I spent so many years working to do. I was finally going to study to become the Orchestral musician I always wanted to be. It was the culmination of the last 10 years for me. Everything came down to this and I couldn’t have been happier. At least, I thought that was where my life was going,

Starting college (My university was technically called a college so I refer to it as such) all alone was terrifying, I got there and walked through the door to a room full of people already friends.... Little did I know that starting the year in dorms was the best thing to do and me staying at home didn’t do much for me socially. I shook it off at the time, tried my best to make friends and talk to people. It wasn’t easy but I seemed to do okay, slowly making friends and kinda talking to a few people. However, it also showed that I was the complete outsider. I didn’t fit in, there was a culture there that no matter how I tried to work with. I just couldn’t do it. It wasn’t a good start, the next few weeks was a getting to know you portion of the course and for a bit of context I am not a drinker. I don’t enjoy nights out/house parties and it always felt like I was behind everyone in the making friends category. Again, there I go to the outside. In amoungst all this there was an injury that made playing very difficult having to start my performing ability almost from scratch wasn’t easy. I started having problems with my upper back and shoulders too making my ability even more hindered. This was all within my first term, also during this period a very toxic relationship I was involved in was coming to an end which caused me a lot of long lasting damage that took a long time to get over. By no means do I view this as ‘Ohh woe is me, I have had it all stacked against me’ No, some things were my fault. I was shy, which didn’t exactly throw out the ‘Ohh come and talk to me’ vibe. During this first term was where shit hit the fan. 

I decided that I would discuss this with my head of department. I thought that maybe the person who is supposed to be my pastoral care would be able to tell me what I can do to sort out my life and put myself in a better position. That was my biggest mistake. They were a horrible human being, feared by some and seemingly loved by other. Everything that was discussed with him would be twisted to make you feel like it was all your fault and that it was something that you should deal with alone. Rather than drag out this section about this person I will just say this. I saw him in my first and some of my second year (He was promoted to a different position) around 20/25 times. I left that office probably 80% of the time feeling worse than I entered being told that because my playing ability wasn’t as good as they wanted (knowing about this issues I was having with playing) that I was creating ‘A bad image on the department’. Just for making an effort to try and improve my own ability in a safe environment. 7 times, I left that office and made an attempt on my own life. I just couldn’t deal with it, I was that bad that just because I am struggling even though I made it very clear that I was trying my absolute hardest to keep up I was that bad. I just couldn’t cope. It all looked very bleak. Aside from that person, there were conductors who were picking me up infront of 30/40/50 other students in the university for not being able to play at their standards. Granted, this will sounds like I wasn’t good enough and that’s it. My defence against that is I was never given the chance to improve after the beginning. I was never told ‘Focus on improving your playing then we will start putting you into groups’ like I had seen with countless others in the college. I hated him, I hated the place, I hated everything there and worst of all I hated myself. Right now, I can tell you I have tried to commit suicide 14 times in the last few years. They are just the attempts that got further than the thinking stage which honestly were daily. That still haunts me now. 

I was followed by the pain and feelings of the first year throughout the second year also. With the same issues following me, except this year there was an expectation that was on you to be better than the first year. I wasn’t and the cycle begins of being called a waste of space and that I should probably just finish by staff. I felt hated by everyone. I felt like I was the person to be avoided. Which wasn’t helped by my already poor mental health. It was the worst thing I have ever dealt with. Talking as someone who has graduated, I still don’t remember getting through the last few years and the course. It just isn’t there, I still feel that loneliness whenever I see people from college enjoying life and all my friends from high school just living there lives. I still feel that inept ability whenever I see them getting jobs. It is enough to make me cry and that again follows me every single day of my life.

The help I recieved in college was honestly life saving. I went through 2 Counsellors, 3 Mentors and honestly one of the student caring staff that I could ever hope to see. Obviously, I won’t say who they were but they are angels and each one of them are some of the best people I have ever met and will ever meet. 

There are other thing I dealt with but I won’t go that far into the rabbit hole if not to avoid this being that long but to protect myself. I’m sat here now, in my room and just ranting this out of my mind (Sorry for the poor spelling) but I can’t help but to think about me before I went in to university. Happy, sociable, musician and someone who wanted to live that life more than anything and worked for it. Now? Someone who wouldn’t want to pick up an instrument for anything and has wasted 4 years of my life and tens of thousands of pounds. So that’s where I am now. I have a loving girlfriend who is the absolute gem of my life and means the absolute world to me. I just feel like the worlds biggest dissapointment. I’m looking for work thinking that the others in my course are going off and doing masters and looking to amazing careers while I look at supermarket jobs.... 

P.S If you read through this, I thank you. It maybe means nothing to you but to me this is the skeleton of my life. It’s not everything but honestly it is what haunts me every day. 

P.P.S I haven’t proof read this so if it’s hard to read, I apologise again.

[intricately-silly]

Get to Know Me Tag

I was tagged by @thesimparrot

Ok. So this was sitting in my drafts waiting for the picture for about three years, and I didn’t want to NOT post it. So here it is, very very very late. It did give me a reason to update my simself though. 

Thank you for tagging me friend! <3 <3 <3 Also, omg that’s so many questions... Who is really going to want to know all this about me?

Rules: Post a pic of your simself with your traits and answer the questions!

Traits:  goofball + perfectionist + loner

Honestly, how am I supposed to only pick three traits? I’m a complicated individual. I’m intricately silly. Anyway... 

1. What is your full name? Skye. That’s all you get. 

2. What is your nickname? Well actually, Skye is technically my nickname...

3. When is your birthday? August 8th.

4. What is your favorite book series? Hmm... I don’t know. I tend to like individual books rather than series. Although I read the Hunger Games series a while back and I liked that one. 

5. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? I mean, there’s nothing to disprove it. But I wouldn’t say I fully believe in them either. 

6. Who is your favorite author? I don’t really have one. 

7. What is your favorite radio station? I really like a station on Pandora called Summer Hits of the 90′s.

8. What is your favorite flavor of anything? It depends on what it is. 

9. What word do you often use to describe something great or wonderful? Amazing. I think it’s the only word I use. I should expand my “something great” vocabulary. 

10. What is your favorite song currently? Love Somebody by Maroon 5. It’s been my favorite since it came out and it still is.  

11. What is your favorite word? Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

12. What is the last song you listened to? Otherside by Red Hot Chili Peppers. 

13. What TV show would you recommend everyone to watch? White Collar I guess. 

14. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? I tend to listen to music when I’m feeling down. But Rush Hour. Or Shrek. 

15. Do you play video games? Nope, not at all... Such a silly question.

16. What is your biggest fear? I have a lot of fears. I have anxiety, so it comes with the territory. But I guess it would be being shut out from everyone and being alone. 

17. What is your best quality in your opinion? I’m a very accepting person. 

18. What is your worst quality in your opinion? Oof. Well...

19. Do you like cats or dogs better? Dogs. I’ve always loved dogs. Cats are great too though.

20. What is your favorite season? Autumn. The colors, the cute clothes, the ability to hide under three blankets. 

21. Are you in a relationship? Yep. For a year and a half now. 

22. What is something you miss from your childhood? Insouciance.

23. Who is your best friend? Rori, my six month old puppy. 

24. What is your eye color? Blue.

25. What is your hair color? Dark, dark brown. 

26. Who is someone you love? Family, friends, animals. So many.

27. Who is someone you trust? Trust is a hard thing for me. So only those very close to me. 

28. Who is someone you think about often? My boyfriend.

29. Are you currently excited about something? I dunno. Am I?

30. What is your biggest obsession? Anything made by Apple. It’s such a beautiful company.

31. What was your favorite TV show as a child? When I was two, Dora. I would sit and watch it, purposely giving the wrong answers to her questions. When I got asked why, my answer was “she’s just going to do the right thing anyway.”

32. Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to? My boyfriend. 

33. Are you superstitious? Kinda sometimes. 

34. Do you have an unusual phobias? I have a fear of ladders. Not heights, ladders. 

35. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? Definitely behind.

36. What is your favorite hobby? Video games is the only constant one, all my other hobbies constantly change. 

37. What is the last book you read? It was online and I can’t remember the name to be honest. 

38. What was the last movie you watched? Aquaman.

39. What musical instruments do you play? I played the clarinet when I was younger. Then I played the guitar. Now I’m trying to teach myself to play piano. I’ve always loved the piano. 

40. What is your favorite animal? All of them. But lions and tigers are gorgeous animals. 

41. What are your top five favorite Tumblr blogs? You think I can narrow it down to five?

42. What super power do you wish you had? Teleportation. 

43. When and where do you feel most at peace? When my dog is cuddling with me.

44. What makes you smile? When my puppy is playing.

45. What sports do you play? I played softball when I was younger. 

46. What is your favorite drink? I don’t know. Shirley Temples. Ginger Ale with Lemonade is really good too. 

47. When was the last time you wrote a handwritten letter or note to someone? I can’t remember. So a while ago.

48. Are you afraid of heights? No.

49. What is your biggest pet peeve? I have a lot. But my biggest I think would be people who walk in front of you so slowly that you trip over your own feet. 

50. Have you ever been to a concert? Yep. Maroon 5 was the last one. I hope to go to more too.

51. Are you vegetarian or vegan? No.

52. When you were little what did you want to be when you grew up? A veterinarian.

53. What fictional world would you like to live in? The world from Avatar. That’d be cool. 

54. What is something you worry about? Anything and everything. 

55. Are you scared of the dark? Depends on my mood.

56. Do you like to sing? Yes, I just wish I could say I was good at it.

57. Have you ever skipped school? No. 

58. What is your favorite place on the planet? My bed.

59. Where would you like to live? Not where I’m living now. I’m so over this town. It’s pretty clean and safe though, so I appreciate that aspect of it. 

60. Do you have any pets? Two cats and a puppy. Oh, and five chickens. 

61. Are you an early bird or a night owl? Night owl. I want to be an early bird, but I’m naturally more awake at night.

62. Do you like sunrise or sunsets better? Sunsets because you can see the stars after! <3

63. Do you know how to drive? I do.

64. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? Earbuds. Although headphones sound better. 

65. Have you ever had braces? Yes.

66. What is your favorite genre of music? I tend to like specific songs instead of genres. But I really like 90′s music. 

67. Who is your hero? I have no idea.

68. Do you read comic books? No.

69. What makes you the most angry? So many things. I’m a little hotheaded. But mainly when people are illogical. 

70. Do you prefer to read real books or on an electric device? Real books!

71. What is your favorite subject in school? It was always math.

72. Do you have any siblings? Two. A brother and a sister. 

73. What was the last thing you bought? Coffee...

74. How tall are you? 5′ 5″

75. Can you cook? Psh. Not really. But I’m trying to learn.

76. What are three things that you love? Playing games, watching movies with my boyfriend, and training my dog. 

77. What are three things that you hate? It changes daily.

78. Do you have more female friends or more male friends? Female.

79. What is your sexual orientation? Bisexual.

80. Where do you currently live? Neverland. 

81. Who was the last person you texted? My boyfriend. 

82. When was the last time you cried? I think it was a week ago.

83. Who is your favorite youtuber? I haven’t had the time to watch YouTube lately. So I don’t know. 

84. Do you like to take selfies? Not in the slightest. The closest thing I’ll do to taking a selfie is make an edit of my simself. 

85. What is your favorite app? Netflix.

86. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like? I’ve always been close with my parents. I’ve always been really close with my siblings too.

87. What is your favorite foreign accent? British.

88. What is a place that you’ve never been to but want to visit? All of Europe. But specifically Paris.

89. What is your favorite number? Five. Always has been.

90. Can you juggle? For three seconds. 

91. Are you religious? I am.

92. Do you find outer space or the deep ocean to be more interesting? They’re both so interesting though! Outer space is so pretty and very interesting. But we know absolutely nothing about our oceans. It does peak my curiosity. 

93. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? Every once in a while.

94. Are you allergic to anything? Pollen. Grass. Dust. Spring is like death. 

95. Can you curl your tongue? No, and everyone else I know can and they all tease me about it. Meanies. 

96. Can you wiggle your ears? No... I can’t do anything cool OK? 

97. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something? When it’s clear that I’m wrong, then I’ll admit it. 

98. Do you prefer the forest or the beach? I love them both. Oooh! A forest near the beach so I can be by the trees but still hear the ocean.

99. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? "Breathe.”

100. Are you a good liar? I am an awful liar. Like awful awful. I don’t lie, but sometimes I’ll do white lies playfully with my boyfriend and he’ll just laugh because I’m so bad at it.  

101. What is your Hogwarts house? Hufflepuff.

102. Do you talk to yourself? I used to. Now I just talk to my dog.

103. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? An introvert who loves talking and meeting new people. But at the end of the day, I have to be alone to refill my energy.  

104. Do you keep a journal or a diary? Nope. 

105. Do you believe in second chances? I guess it technically depends. But we’re all human and we all make mistakes. It’s unfair to not give more than one chance. Unless it’s PURPOSELY harming someone else. That’s not ok. No second chances with that. 

106. If you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do? I would take it to the nearest business. Hopefully the person comes looking. 

107. Do you believe that people are capable of change? With most things. If they really wanted to. 

108. Are you ticklish? Yeah...

109. Have you ever been on a plane? I have.

110. Do you have any piercings? I have my standard lobe piercings. Then on my right ear I have a forward helix and upper lobe piercing. On my left I have a helix piercing. And my nose is pierced. 

111. What fictional character do you wish was real? Donkey from Shrek.

112. Do you have any tattoos? Yes, just one.

113. What is the best decision that you have made so far? Rescuing my dog, she means the world to me.

114. Do you believe in karma? Yeah, I think so.

115. Do you wear glasses or contacts? I wore glasses when I was younger, but I don’t need to wear them anymore. My eyes magically improved, I don’t know.

116. Do you want children? I’ve always wanted two.

117. Who is the smartest person you know? I know a lot of smart people.

118. What is your most embarrassing memory? This one time...

119. Have you ever pulled an all nighter? Probably too often. Then I got my puppy, and I haven’t since. Puppies are exhausting. 

120. What color are most of your clothes? Maroon. Or blue. I have a lot of grey I think too.

121. Do you like adventures? Yes! “ADVENTURE IS OUT THERE!”

122. Have you ever been on TV? Nope.

123. How old are you? 19.

124. What is your favorite quote? I have so many favorites, but... "You’re only given a little spark of madness, you mustn’t lose it.” - Robin Williams.

125. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods? Savory. But sweet is sometimes welcome too. 

I tag: anyone who wants to... since this is forever late

[pepperoniwhirlwind]

~Honesty Hour~

     I was asked by @lovelynhiddenkittens to do all 150 questions in the Honesty Hour tag! 😮 Thank you, lovely and curious stranger~! 😆 But since that’s a lot for one post, I’ll break it up into chunks of 50 questions so it’s easier for all my blogging buddies to digest. 😊 Starting... now! 😝

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?      That would have to be Alex. He was warming my hand for me because it was ice cold. Though he doesn’t know that’s because I intentionally held my super cold drink for a really long time with that hand, then casually mentioned how cold my hand was so he’d try to warm it... >//> Introverts are sneaky flirts, what can I say? 😆😏

2. Are you outgoing or shy?      Shy, definitely. Though there are alters in the system much more outgoing than me.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?      Tyler! 😄 I’ve been staying over at her apartment every weekend this past summer, and always enjoy our movie and gaming marathons. 😝

4. Are you easy to get along with?      I think so. I’m not very easily angered, a pacifist at heart, and a people-pleaser at my core. 😂 So it’s pretty hard not to get along with me.

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

     I don’t know, Alex is a sweetheart so he’d probably help, and Tyler cares but she doesn’t do bodily fluids. 😆 So, it depends. And considering I’ve never been drunk, and seem to have too high a tolerance to get drunk without having to rob a bank to fund the sheer volume of alcohol needed, I doubt this problem will ever arise. 👌

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

     Kind and funny people. 😊

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

     I have no idea, but I won’t rule it out. Alex has kinda been cute and flirty towards me lately, so maaaybe~? >//>

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

     Uh, well, the subject of the last question was Alex, so, him. 😆

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

     A wee bit, yes. 😅 I put up a good facade though, but being asexual, sex is kinda... bleeehhh~ for me. e~e

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

     That would have to be Tyler. :3 She’s my bestie from my ASL classes~ 💜 We have a looot in common, so we talk for hours at a time, in between movie and game marathons that is. 😆

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

     Context: I was spamming Tyler gifs of adorable animals earlier today.

     The Text: “Aaand now I gotta get ready for therapy, so this shall be the crowning gif of adorable goodness!”

     Followed by a gif of two golden retrievers fighting over a tennis ball, with a third retriever (being shoved into the frame by a fourth, offscreen, retriever) resting his head on the two dogs feuding over the aforementioned tennis ball. 💖

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

     This is rather hard... so I’ll just list the songs that I listen to on repeat a lot.

     1. “The Cure” by Lady Gaga

     2. “Insomnia” by IAMX

     3. “Middle of the Bed” by Lucy Rose

     4. “All the Rage” by Allie X

     5. “Wires” by The Neighbourhood

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

     Yes. No. Kinda? It depends... If I’ve just had a shower and my hair is clean, I love it. ^w^ But if it’s been a bit and my hair isn’t all that clean I just feel embarrassed if people touch my hair. e~e

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

     Ehhh... Depends which alter you ask really. Me, personally? Not so much. My family has always told me our family line is cursed to have bad luck, so if I believed in such things, I guess I’m doomed. 😂

15. What good thing happened this summer?

     I’ve started working on myself and my social life, strengthening friendships irl and online, or, at least attempting to. 😅 Sometimes I’m just bad at not isolating. But this past summer I’ve been spending basically every weekend at my friend Tyler’s apartment and hanging out with her core group of friends. It’s been a nice break from the chaos of the school semester. 😊

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

     Well, considering she’s on the other side of the country back in my home state, probably not. She was a lovely first kiss, but I’ll leave it at that. 🤭

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

     With how many planets there are in the galaxy; the universe? Not to mention how many planets within The Goldilocks Zone that share a similar atmosphere to earth within the observable universe alone... How could I not think other life exists? At the very least, in some kind of bacterial form, though, I dare to dream a little bigger. ✨

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

     Well, I’ve never really had a crush, per se, though plenty of squishes. :3 But my first squish did not turn out well, so, no. :c

19. Do you like bubble baths?

     Yes, especially if I go all out and light candles and play music on my phone. 🕯️🎶😌 However, I don’t do that very often. I take showers mostly.

20. Do you like your neighbors?

     Yeah, they’re chill people. The neighbors with the overly-territorial pitbull that kept us prisoner in our car for hours and broke into our fenced-in backyard to take massive doggie dumps out of sheer hatred for us moved away because their dog kept terrorizing the neighbourhood and was going to get put down if it didn’t stop breaking out to chase children on trikes and joggers onto rooftops. So, the neighbors we have now are awesome! 😆

21. What are your bad habits?

     Sometimes I’m too honest and don’t know when to stop talking, other times I’m so socially anxious I might as well be a feature of the wall at parties. 😂 I also have trichotillomania, a compulsive disorder related to OCD, in which I get really strong urges to pull out my hair sometimes, so definitely a bad habit... Just talking about it kinda... ehhhh... moving on. e~e

22. Where would you like to travel?

     A lot of places. Though Scotland is at the top of my list. Scotland is a huge part of my family’s heritage, and some of my family still lives there. So I would love to visit and spend some time in nature there~  💕

23. Do you have trust issues?

     Yes.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

     Well, anytime I get to de-stress is nice. I know wiping down my face with a face wipe always feels nice and refreshing after a day out running errands and attending classes. It’s the little things that are the most help~ 😊

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

     All of it. If I could edit my body, that would be nice.

26. What do you do when you wake up?

     Hit snooze on the alarm a couple times, get up, walk to the bathroom... you can imagine the rest.

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

     Nope, I’m quite happy with my vampire pale skin, and even my dirty blonde, curly lion’s mane of hair, and my blue eyes ain’t so bad either. I’m not completely hideous, just 97% hideous. 👌😂

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

     Myself. My alters. Tyler. Alex. My Tumblr fam~ 💞

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

     No, because I usually cut them out of my life after they break my heart. Some have tried to stay friends with me or become friends with me again years later, but... no. I don’t need backstabbers in my life.

30. Do you ever want to get married?

     Maybe, someday. When the time is right, I’ll know, until then, I’ll enjoy my singledom~ :3

31. Is your hair long enough for a ponytail?

     Yes, it’s in a ponytail right now actually. 😆

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

     NONE.

33. Spell your name with your chin.

     gtlo nhy (Oh gawd... What a name. 😂)

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

     Mi-Suk used to play on tennis and basketball teams, but our spine is a little too deteriorated nowadays to attempt such things.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

     Without TV, hands down. I’d die without music. I bleed music.

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

     Yep. I had a bit of a squish on this kid named Travis in elementary school and never told him. My frenemy told him I had a crush on him, and he never talked to me after that. 😭

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

     I either make a joke or just enjoy the silence. Depends what mood I’m in. Sometimes I’m more introverted and just want to sit in silence or listen to music instead of talk. Other times I just wanna connect with people and I tend to crack a lot of darker, self-deprecating jokes as a way to break the ice, or tension if I feel some.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

     I want someone who is genuinely kind, patient, and funny. It also helps if they are neurodivergent like me, and have similar enough interests, sense of humor, etc. to my own. c: Overall, I just want to feel comfortable and safe with someone. 😊

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

     I buy food at Fry’s... so... Fry’s?

40. What do you want to do after high school?

     I’m already out of high school, bub. Now I’m in college, and I still have no idea. I have dream jobs, dream homes, dream lives. But none of them seem realistic.

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

     Depends on the crime, really. If I hired someone to babysit my hypothetical children, and they forgot to tell the children to clean up their toys, I believe a second chance is in order. If they, however, ditched the job to mack on Paul Puffy Lips next door, leaving my children to starve, I don’t believe I’ll be giving them another call.

42. If you’re being extremely quiet what does it mean?

     It means I’m probably really socially anxious at the moment and would prefer to not be made the center of attention. o~o’

43. Do you smile at strangers?

     Yes, sometimes to spread cheer and joy, other times because I’m worried they’ll think I’m an up-to-no-good deviant or zombified by depression, which is how I feel at least 80% of the time, and worry everyone notices, even strangers, who probably would not assume such things, but that’s social anxiety for you. 😂

44. A trip to outer space or the bottom of the ocean?

     Why not both? However, humans are so preoccupied with space that we’ve only explored 5% of our oceans. I don’t want the oceans to feel lonely, so I’ll visit them first. 💙

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

     Sometimes the looming responsibilities in my life, other times I just don’t get out of bed. 

46. What are you paranoid about?

     A lot of things, but the most pressing concern of mine is that everyone will inevitably leave me because I’m a terrible, horrible human being who doesn’t deserve friendship. 😅

47. Have you ever been high?

     Every day, if I can help it. I have a medical marijuana card and have for a couple years now.

48. Have you ever been drunk?

     No.

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

     No, not really. Nothing is coming to mind. 

50. What was the color of the last hoodie you wore?

     Well, I’m wearing a hoodie now, and it’s gray, with the Nirvana emblem on the front. 😝 It’s my favorite and coziest hoodie of all.

[insarations]

random questions just cause...hereeell we go

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? *chuckles* yup

2. You talked to an ex today, correct? yes

3. Have you taken someones virginity? ya

4. Is trust a big issue for you? no in fact I trust people way too much

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? don't really like anyone atm

6. What are you excited for? hmm idk really. I guess my week off of work in a few weeks

7. What happened tonight? not much, just chilling, rainy day

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? ehh..idk it's just not my thing. but I wouldn't call it "disgusting"..if that's fun for them then cool

9. Is confidence cute? for sure, just not tooo much..fine line there

10. What is the last beverage you had? water and an iced vanilla latte

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? hmm. not any really besides my dad

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? yes a couple

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? I'm not sure yet. Probably go somewhere with a friend or see a movie

14. What are you going to spend money on next? probably either food or coffee

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? no

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? not significantly but I feel like I'm always changing in some way, even if it's gradual

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? not gonna put a name but one of my best friends

18. The last time you felt broken? that's hard to answer cause like i still do, i have for a while now but I mean it's not as bad as it was. about a year ago

19. Have you had sex today? sadly no lol

20. Are you starting to realize anything? a lot of things every second of every day. adulthood has a lot of fucking wake up calls

21. Are you in a good mood? not necessarily in a good mood but i'm not really in a bad mood either..it's just kinda like meh lol

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? hmm.... maybeee... depends

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? no. his is brown, mine are blue

24. What do you want right this second? not to have to go to work tomorrow XD and idk maybe a good ol makeout session and/or cuddles

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? uhhh well like if i were in a relationship with them then wtf, no no lol not good. but like if it was someone i'm not together with then...cool, do whatever the hell you want

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? pretty much

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? noo.. like i mean they don't gotta be some sorta jokester/comedian or nothing but just..don't be so serious. laughing is the best

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? probably one of my cats lol

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? always do

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? for the most part. but idk...I don't think I could give someone who cheated another chance. that's just crossing a line of trust that like..I could forive but I wouldn't be able to be with them again. I just don't understand anyone who cheats

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? that would be my dad so no XD

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? hmm hard to answer. but I suppose she does

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? nooo I love soda. with that said though, since the beginning of the year i've cut back on it alottttt for my health. but i still drink it maybe once a week. i used to drink it literally every day multiple times a day.

34. Listening to? currently juice WRLD

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? sometimes at work but not often

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? yup

37. Do you believe in love at first sight? yes and no. i hate that question, it's old lets move on lol

38. Who did you last call? i cant remember, probably one of my parents. i dont talk on the phone much

39. Who was the last person you danced with? I dont dance really except in the car with my friends..our own version of dancing XD

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? cause she was my girlfriend. girlfriends do that lol

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? a few weeks ago i think

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? no..we don't hug often really lol we're just not that way but i do hug my mom every now and then

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? probably a million times

44. Do you tan in the nude? noooooooo. i burn so easy i'd probably turn into one giant tomato

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? never

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? nah :/ I miss that

47. Who was the last person to call you? a million car sales people cause i'm stupid and entered info on a website and now it's like the neverending fucking story of sales people calling me like heyyyy buy a jeep and its like yes mam id love to but i'm poor so how about not right now stop calling me thank you bye

48. Do you sing in the shower? heck ya. except not really lately cause i shower at the gym...they don't wanna hear that XD

49. Do you dance in the car? yasss

50. Ever used a bow and arrow? yes, I did archery at camp as a kid. fun times

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? 10th grade highschool photo. or if it counts, my aunt took my graduation photos..she perty professional

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? there definitely can be cheesy ones but those are usually the ones i love XD

53. Is Christmas stressful? these days yes -_- never as a kid. I miss those days

54. Ever eat a pierogi? I don't think I have actually

55. Favorite type of fruit pie? not a huge fruit pie person but I guess...apple or lemon. I really don't eat fruit pie though. If  it's gonna be pie then I prefer something like chocolate or peanut butter

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? so many different things, that's why i never settled on anything XD

57. Do you believe in ghosts? I think so..in a certain way.. like not in the way they show on tv and movies. just idk, i do believe in spirits. There's some stories in my family they are kinda hard not to believe or explain

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? allllll the time

59. Take a vitamin daily? nah, probably should ?

60. Wear slippers? not anymore, I used to alot

61. Wear a bath robe? same as above. I get way too hot for that now lol

62. What do you wear to bed? usually just shorts or boxers and a tank top or tshirt. sometimes sweatpants dependning  

63. First concert? reba mcentire lol

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? target. walmart for certain things. but target is just fun

65. Nike or Adidas? neither really but adidas if i have to pick

66. Cheetos Or Fritos? cheetos

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? I like both, but peanuts

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? back in the day, crazier. then it was blank space or shake it off...but recently, delicate. many different taylor eras XD

69. Ever take dance lessons? when I was in elementary school and 6th grade yes

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? umm hmm honestly no. whatever makes them happy :)

71. Can you curl your tongue? nah, i dont got nothing special like that XD

72. Ever won a spelling bee? nahh

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? yesss

74. What is your favorite book? several...looking for alaska by john greene, the pawn series by robin roseau, and look again by lisa scottoline

75. Do you study better with or without music? havent studied in so long O_o but probably with

76. Regularly burn incense? not regularly. I do from time to time but not as much anymore, my mom hates it lol

77. Ever been in love? yes

78. Who would you like to see in concert? so many... fleetwood mac or just stevie nicks, ben howard, maroon 5, pvris, ariana grande, lana del rey, the weeknd, pink, coldplay, imagine dragons lady gaga, andrew belle, adele, lorde, gwen stefani even though I already did lol...i could go on all day. bottom line, i need to see more concerts

79. What was the last concert you saw? Gwen Stefani a couple years ago

80. Hot tea or cold tea? cold

81. Tea or coffee? coffee

82. Favorite type of cookie? alllllll the cookies. lately m&m. but chocolate chip is always a winner

83. Can you swim well? yes

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? nahh

85. Are you patient? yes and no. depends on the setting and circumstance lol. I think I'm fairly patient compared to other people but sometimes at work..if the right people push my buttons then oohhh boyyy no

86. DJ or band, at a wedding? hmm.. neither honestly just put on the damn ipod playlist XD

87. Ever won a contest? a couple when I was little lol

88. Ever have plastic surgery? noo. no thank you

89. Which are better black or green olives? greeeeeen

90. Opinions on sex before marriage? go for it. I used to think alot differently when I was younger cause I'm a christian, grew up with traditional values. but *sighs*... things change lol sex is great, go for it but be safe people XD

91. Best room for a fireplace? ANY ROOM. omggg. they should have fireplaces in the bathroom. what a great idea you can just warm yourself while you sitting there haha genius

92. Do you want to get married? If I meet the right person but if I don't ever get married that's fine too lol it's not a priority for me really but if I do meet the right person then for sure

[muertaheux]

Post J call (19/05) [diary sub.]

  4 days of no sleep  has meant  unblocking+subsequently spending a lot of time thinking about or talking to J the past couple days.   but damage done  & now that I know that this man has stopped doing all the things he was supposed to do continue doing once we were completely over; ensuring that he does those things again feels like my responsibility!! 

-SO! An attempt at digesting some of the most jarring things he said since instantaneous reflection/clarity was impossible !! -

“when you first wanted to end things there was no doubt that you’d be coming back out here”

like there’s a pandemic and i have no reason i need to go back to the bay as it’s alll online now ??

“see I’m not even in LA!! I chose not to be for you!!”

We’ve had no contact for months and I had no idea he still mainly lived in Oakland?? So that cannot be put on me?? ALSO literally one of the last things I had said to him was about how at least now he can live in LA & something to the effect of how he should try + actually enjoy the lifestyle now?? LA bitches always made me feel a way & a lot of the LA guys he worked with or just at different events were just a lot???

“How can you act like this is the way its supposed to be with us?? If you just decided that there’s not even a chance anymore than that’s fucked up that you gave me false hope”

WHAT THE FUCK. It’s certainly not healthy to entertain possibility of reconciliation, for plenty of reasons but especially as he’s not risen to the occasion of doing what he needs to do! I didnt leave him high and dry as he has the blueprints, tools, and resources now. Literally last night he was texting acknowledging how we’re both not “whole” and it seemed he got that we must be separate but I guess not?? I didn’t give him false hope???

Damn like I was still balancing my own academic + professional + personal obligations and mental health ?? I will do basically anything for someone I love and as his gf ended up taking on quite a bit . But I was 21/22 w. a rigorous course+research load,demanding job, & my own traumas & mental illness to manage??? I loved tf out of him but I am too young & too shaky myself for the dynamic we had to have been sustainable?? I don’t regret putting him onto therapy+psychiatry & the business/financial resources/techniques but being his buffer for the industry stuff in LA was exhausting & fucked w me. I hate almost everything about LA& I get that he’s more introverted than me + has wild imposter syndrome but he was the one who had a right to be there I’m not even remotely connected to that field and again I despise most of the LA bitches- I’m in my early 20’s obviously I would still have wild self esteem issues etc?? I would literally be crying for a good portion of the drive or flight down there almost every time after the first one. But as he would literally run every single business decision or interaction by me & even once the money started coming + he had validation regarding his skill set, for awhile he still would be  second guessing the creative aspect of it;   and he only really trusts & is out of his shell completely with his Oakland friends, people in LA/anyone he works with he views strictly as clients/collaborators - he wouldn’t go to anything he needed to  in LA if I wouldn’t come with him. Okkk yes he was ode loyal/ attentive to me as well as supportive + invested in my stuff & we really protected/looked out for one another in different ways, so it’s not that he was undeserving.. I just can’t be or do everything for someone!!! I also would not even have chance of being close to happy if I stayed in states now that I am completely disillusioned with medicine ??

“That’s insane that you’ve been able to move on like this that’s so fucking ode [my name redacted]. I bet you were fucking other people when were together”

What. the . fuck. I WAS NOTHING BUT LOYAL WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER AND UNLESS I WAS IN CLASSES OR WORKING WE WERE TOGETHER!! I actually  have never spent so much time with one person (and didn’t even mind it) before or after him. He knows I never cheated on him smfh he hurled this same accusation back in the winter after I started hooking up with someone again. So I don’t really get why he’s even acting like this is brand new information because the inciting incident for me to cut him off completely a few months ago was how he was handling me hooking up with someone. Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to tbh??

Also if it wasn’t for pandemic or if he was IN LA as a single man, I’m sure he would’ve ended up with at least someone ?? Yeah he’s not a hookup kinda guy but if he was taking the same drgz  but Im not there than Im sure he’d have plenty of bodies, he’s objectively gorgeous to the point that people are wild confused by his personality & mannerisms.

ALSO we’ve been broken up technically since the fall!! I’ve hooked up with TWO people, which is my prerogative?? I could hookup with a ton of people and it would still be well within my rights as in no way are he and I together ?? It doesn’t mean I don’t care or love him at all but it’s literally mid- May?? I get that he’s mainly upset that the person I most recently was with is the guy from Feb. What I didn’t count on or realize was that I had given J enough info that combined with his naturally sharp memory he’d piece together that the Feb/recent guy is the last person I was in love with before the relationship w J. Once he figured that out he was pressing for more info but I never give out names from situations anyways & I actually had to aggressively ask him if he enjoyed being hurt or something because there’s no reason he needs to fixate on this ??

“this is so fucked up youre not gonna give us a chance to say goodbye for real?? you promised me that it wouldn’t be the last time we saw each other , was this your plan all along ? i can’t believe i really thought you were gonna come back . i’m so fucking stupid. when i heard about schools, even graduations, going online i convinced myself that you still had to come back here or that you’d find a reason. what the fuck rachel! what am i supposed to do?”

Ok he started off yelling (for him) there but once it was just crying i got that his abandonment issues are triggered & that’s definitely valid but he can’t guilt me into coming out to Oakland & based off the past couple days he is not in a place that I can trust myself around. We’d definitely end up fucking & probably doing drgz & there would be no closure we’d just have intense /cinematic experiences that will make separation that much harder AGAIN. We can bring out the best in one another but we also bring out the absolute worst!! We can’t forget the truly fucking horrible parts of our relationship and how out of control it was. Love is not enough!!! The way we loved one another was all consuming & that doesn’t work when there’s soooo much individual healing+ growth that needs to happen.

of course i still love him as well , but i can’t even remind him of that as it’ll then be “so you’ll come back?” fuck like people can love people and know not to be with them!! if i was in a better place maybe i’d think about it; but i’m so far from where I need to be. ofc I miss a lot about him and the relationship but it’s more detrimental than it is beneficial!! it’s not like he didn’t have his grievances too he just doesn’t keep them in perspective in this type of situation . like yeah we coexisted extraordinarily well & never had little arguments over dumb shit/ needed a break from one another; but when we would fight it would be a massive aggressive blowout. ok great we didn’t find one another annoying but also we were respectively v fucking triggered by some deep rooted behavior (i.e our respective parents +trust issues, ptsd and psychosis manifested completely differently; bc of our constant proximity to one another - my BP was on full display multiple times; i accepted he was set on carrying but it was ultimately more like stockpiling ; we both at times did reckless things which made us obsess over the other’s safety [mine mainly in mixed or manic states] ; different attitudes/approaches to drgz) . the codependency was in some lights eventually p unhealthy , especially as eventually down the road itd be impossible to accommodate that degree of attachment to one another!!

ok in some way it’s romantic or w/e that we literally couldn’t be w/o one another at night but also we made it way harder on ourselves when we’d focus on making sure we could be with the other at their obligation instead of our respective responsibilities(i.e me always in LA with him, he ended up coming overseas 3x (EU&Middle East) when I was there for work/conference( for countries he wouldn’t be able to get into he waited at w/e neighboring one would be safe for him),  based his UK work trip around my exams schedule so he could bring me, brought me to PFW, etc. )  even considering taking space at any point was never a real conversation..  we were genuinely best friends but just bounced back from w/e dysfunctional argument we had vs solving it and we’re both mad paranoid people & we need someone to physically be there to feel reassured;on the surface and in actuality in some ways the dynamic was ideal- (regardless tho having someone be your primary safety is hardly fail-safe ).

Both of us are insomniacs & deal w night terrors; but from v. early on we figured out how to handle these things in each other to the point that both of us stopped our respective nighttime vices & could sleep naturally; in the case of night terrors the other person would soothe them back. His overwhelming need to protect found a match with my overwhelming longing for safety even before we knew a ton about one another&the respective back stories. Because of Chantel Miller’s assault case that had gone viral(re:the SU Swimmer case) years before, J was convince su at night was dangerous & always picked me up+ put pepper spray canister in my bag literally a week after we first met. When he learned my history/some of the traumas (mainly nyc r**** & parts i shared re:tr********* abroad) etc he was especially ode about my overall safety. (Tbf he has seen a lot in his life but he mistook my taking risks at times as being completely oblivious when most of the times it was because I had assessed the situation and compared to other experiences and I knew I could handle it; ofc for some of the episodic instances it was way more precarious of a situation. )When it was clear that it wasn’t just some over controlling maneuver, it was just easier to try and listen to him about which areas and times to avoid tbh& spared the details of my ~pickups~. He didn’t need protection in the same way; besides the support/‘protection’ for LA/industry stuff, he needed emotional support/validation, reassurance, and to be nurtured & encouraged.

[weirdo-with-a-nametag]

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? Me. Just now, to spite you.

2. Are you outgoing or shy? I’m loud, and friendly, but terrified. Sometimes I go out of my way to socialize with a lot of people, and sometimes I try to be as unnoticeable as possible. It takes a lot out of me, but it seems necessary to be social.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? My best friend, my sisters, my dad

4. Are you easy to get along with? I’ve been told I am by reputable sources

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? I have a pact that my best friend and I are to get drunk together one of these days, and he’s nice so he would care, but knowing myself I’ll probably be the one taking care of him, or I’d just pass out on the floor and he’d go sleep

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? nah

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? nah

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? what opposite?

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? not really? I mean, wait, my approach to talking about sex is somewhat clinical. If other people talk about it in other ways, I can get really uncomfortable really fast. That’s part of what I mean by “sex-averse.” If someone’s talking about sex including me, I freak a little.

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? mm, probably my dad. We talked things out a few days after I moved out, which was recent.

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? it says, “Who?”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? I am So Bad at favorites. No, thank you, today.

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? Some people, if I know they’re going to, for sure.

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? Yeah. The world would be less interesting to me without luck.

15. What good thing happened this summer? I got an Infinity Cube (and proceeded to mess with it nonstop fr so long that I had to hide it for the next week until my hand stopped hurting), and I made several thousand dollars for my savings.

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? The last person would be my little sister’s goodbye kiss. Absolutely, I love her.

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? Of course.

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? who?

19. Do you like bubble baths? bubble baths are nice in concept. I always end up hurting my back by lying in bathtubs, though.

20. Do you like your neighbors? My neighbors hate my family. But me, personally... I’ve never been anything but nice to them, and I think we’re on okay terms. We don’t interact much.

21. What are you bad habits? I bite my nails, ignore my “eat food” alarms, stay up until after sunrise for NO REASON I cannot go to sleep, I get kinda snippy if my mom starts a conversation we’ve already had, use wrappers as coasters instead of throwing my trash away, and rarely stick with something long enough to make anything of it. I have a 95% assembled 3D printer sitting in my room. It’s been at that point for 8 months at least.

22. Where would you like to travel? Oh, yes, I want to learn languages and see the wildlife and touch the water and lay in snow outside of Oregon. Please.

23. Do you have trust issues? Doesn’t everyone? I recently figured out another level to mine, though. Fun!

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? putting on tea water and music while I do the dishes

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? Check the dysphoria for that one. But runner-ups: it’s really uncomfortable to feel my skin-on-skin when I bend my torso too far, fat rolls are a bad sensory experience for me. Amy oily or overly dry skin is distracting, and my ears always feel like they need to be popped.

26. What do you do when you wake up? During quarantine it’s been go back to sleep, eventually turn on some tv, wait for my housemate to get up .

28. Who are you most comfortable around? mm, my two closest friends, or my housemate.

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? Have one ex, who asked me something that smelled like it was leading toward “do you want to get back together?” recently. But I don’t think either of us regret breaking up, when we did. It was the right choice.

30. Do you ever want to get married? Eh, how are the tax benefits? I wouldn’t mind, but I have a hard time believing it’d be because we fell in love, and it’s also terribly restricting. I’d honestly rather have a household of 4, a big poly qpr specifically, so I’m not lonely and I can put my love somewhere, and we can support each other. That sounds great.

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? mhm

33. Spell your name with your chin. l,kianaz       --I did that twice and it’s identical

34. Do you play sports? What sports? Nah. If you count climbing, then yes, but not competitively. I played ultimate frizbee for a bit? And I like playing hockey. 

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? TV. No question. Music is the  foundation of the machine that pulls me through my day-to-day. That sounds dramatic, but a more precise explanation would be annoyingly long. Someone gets it.

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? mm, I “like” my best friend in some kinda way, but I’m sure he knows my feeling as well as I do. (still not very well, but the point here is that I’m an open book and we’re close)

37. What do you say during awkward silences? I either don’t register them at all, or I do and immediately divert to some mental or physical activity. Usually blurt out a random thing on my mind, change the subject, or... throw something. Sometimes I throw things at people I want to talk to. Not sure how to explain that one.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? ?

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? Clothes shopping is exhausting, what with the endless textures and noises and flourescent lights and linoleum floors and I come out of it with one (1) acceptable shirt and a feeling like I’ve been sanding the edges off of my brain with a belt sander for the hours I spent in the store. Grocery shopping can be fun, but it’s usually more pain than the food is worth, and I like looking for art supplies - SCRAP here in portland is fun. Oh, and lumber stores or carpet warehouses, if I can get away with climbing.

40. What do you want to do after high school? I want to go to college for physics, graduate and move out of the country for grad school, and end up on a research grant teaching somewhere. On my current trajectory, I’ll probably flunk out next year and go to the Job Corps for Forestry training. Look for a job as a ranger, maybe. Volunteer with rescue crews. Not a bad life at all, but I love learning and I’d feel a bit cut off, I think.

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? Yeah. People deserve second chances in life, but we need to answer for our actions. And no one has the right to demand a second chance from a person. You don’t “deserve” that. You might get a second chance, if you’re lucky. But it’s luck and kindness and trust, not deserved, that you are responsible for taking care not to break.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? Probably I’m just thinking, in some way or another. Sometimes I’m keeping myself from running out of the room, sometimes I’m focused on my music, sometimes I’m coming up with something to say

43. Do you smile at strangers? Usually. I try to smile when I make eye contact with people, try and be nice, if I feel safe

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? Space is attractive but I think I’d see/discover more with a physical deep sea trip than a physical deep space trip. Faster, certainly.

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? Music, usually, or someone yelling, or I need to pee.

46. What are you paranoid about? my actions having a “butterfly effect” and hurting people, every person, every time I interact with them, but the effects seem so small that no one notices. It’s already too late.

47. Have you ever been high? no? I get a weird loopy reaction to Ibuprofen sometimes, but I’ve never been intentionally intoxicated

48. Have you ever been drunk? see above

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? I stole some pez? But people know about that. Oh. the answer is yes.

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? black

51. Ever wished you were someone else? mm, not really. I’ve wished I didn’t exist, but not to be another person who does exist

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? If I could trust my sense of right and wrong, that would be nice. But physically? I want wings, big enough to fly with.

54. Favourite store? my favorite tea shop was Townshend’s, but they changed. There’s a kombucha place under my kung fu place that’s good, though.

56. Favourite colour? I usually say cobalt.

57. Favourite food? no idea

58. Last thing you ate? 5-am-midnight-dinner-tacos

59. First thing you ate this morning? I am denying the fact that it is morning.

60. Ever won a competition? For what? I won multiple boat races in my 8th grade shop class. Oh and my robotics team went to state two years in a row

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? nah. Got detention for something in middle school, and a lot of trouble in elementary school, but no suspensions.

62. Been arrested? For what? .....no

63. Ever been in love? questionable

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? my what

65. Are you hungry right now? I’m very rarely hungry. Also just ate. No.

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? I have 1 1/2 tumblr friends, none of which I know better than my real-life friends, so my bonds with them are not as strong, no

67. Facebook or Twitter? neither

68. Twitter or Tumblr? tumblr 

69. Are you watching tv right now? no

70. Names of your bestfriends? I refuse

71. Craving something? What? sleep

72. What colour are your towels? whatever color is cheapest

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? right now there are five pillows on my bed. Not a personal choice. If given the option, one, maybe two.

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? not really

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? probably 12, including in storage and display-only

75. Favourite animal? there are too many cool animals. It was the wolverine for a while though

76. What colour is your underwear? blue today

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? usually chocolate. Been on a vanilla kick lately though

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? used to go for mint chocolate chip whenever it was available, but I like cherry, moose tracks, I like most things without marshmallows or cake batter, unless you get really weird.

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? blue.

80. What colour pants? orange, with white dotted plaid striping

81. Favourite tv show? how to pick. I’m rewatching Leverage this week, and the Magicians is visually appealing

82. Favourite movie? uh? It was Treasure planet for several months when I was 7, and I have a deep appreciation for the movie adaptation of Holes, but I don’t know abou favorites right now. The Usual Suspects is good though

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? I don’t think I’ve watched either

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? again, no clue

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? I

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? Dory, or the manta ray, or the baby sea turtle

87. First person you talked to today?... my mom? I think

88. Last person you talked to today? my mom

89. Name a person you hate? no

90. Name a person you love? my sisters. both of them.

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? god. Let me sleep.

92. In a fight with someone? kind of in a fight with my mom over cleaning? Not much of a fight though.

93. How many sweatpants do you have? three? Maybe more if you expand the definition

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? 3 sweaters, 4-5 hoodies

95. Last movie you watched? Holes

98. Do you tan a lot? I burn in 10 minutes or less, guaranteed, and I don’t really tan no matter what

99. Have any pets? yes! Lots! 4 cats, 3 dogs, 2 snakes. Lovely sweet creatures

100. How are you feeling? vibrate-y

101. Do you type fast? no, I cheated in typing class and now I type with three fingers and a braille keyboard

102. Do you regret anything from your past? most of it

103. Can you spell well? I think so

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? I miss my best (and only) friend from elementary school. We haven’t talked since the summer after 5th grade.

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? I have thrown many bonfire parties, and been to those of others

106. Ever broken someone’s heart? I have no idea. Oh. Maybe a little? But we’re still friends, so I think it’s ok

107. Have you ever been on a horse? yeah, horses are fun

108. What should you be doing? sleeping!

109. Is something irritating you right now? my hip

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? “liked”? probably not

111. Do you have trust issues? isn’t this on here twice? Yes, I have trust issues.

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? mm, my dad and a psychologist

113. What was your childhood nickname? I didn’t have one until middle school, and then it was “Lemur” for about a year. Now it’s Murphy

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? I’ve been everywhere between Oregon and Virginia (drove across to move here), Idaho, California, Indiana, DC, Washington, Texas, Vegas specifically, Florida, Canada, and China.

115. Do you play the Wii? Used to play mariokart with my dad

116. Are you listening to music right now? yeah, right at this moment it’s “Tribulation” by Matt Maeson

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? I guess. Usually the noodles are disgusting, usually it’s canned, and that’s not good

118. Do you like Chinese food? there are definitely dishes in amaricanized Chinese food that I like, and for sure dishes in authentic Chinese food that I love, so I guess so?

119. Favourite book? Ah. No comment.

120. Are you afraid of the dark? I don’t think so.

121. Are you mean? I think I can be, but everyone outside my family seems to think I’m an angel, so

122. Is cheating ever okay? Listen, if you can’t tell your SO you’re interested in another person and talk through what that means with them, I think you have more important things to do? That said, I have no experience here. From other people talking about it and my general idea of the fallout and trust, no. Don’t.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? Highly unlikely. I have never tried, or wanted to

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? I don’t even know what love feels like

125. Do you believe in true love? I’m sure whatever it is can be as “true” as you believe it to be

126. Are you currently bored? always

127. What makes you happy? making things, making people happy, seeing beautiful things, and music

128. Would you change your name? I might

129. What your zodiac sign? Cancer

130. Do you like subway? no

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? I ask “what are you looking for in our relationship that is not currently there,” and we move from there. Communication and understanding. This is what happened with me and my (now) ex. We’re closer for having talked through our relationship and breakup, honestly.

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? Another repeat? My dad and a psychologist.

133. Favourite lyrics right now? mm, “I want my answers to be questioned” from “Take Me Back” by Kongos because reasons I can’t explain right now. Also a bunch of Lake Ponchartrain by Ludo because I like that song and a bunch of The Mountain Goats but I can’t think sorry

134. Can you count to one million? If I dedicated the time, but why

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? Convinced my neighbor my name was “oop” or something like that? And that my real name was actually my middle name. Completely on impulse. I did convince her, though. 3rd grade me did know what was up, apparently.

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? closed. Windows open, though, it gets way too hot in here 

137. How tall are you? 5′5″ish

138. Curly or Straight hair? straight

139. Brunette or Blonde? n/a. Red.

140. Summer or Winter? winter. I overheat and I love snow and ice skating

141. Night or Day? night. Stars and no sunburn or sunlight-headaches

142. Favourite month? no idea

143. Are you a vegetarian? nah

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? dark

145. Tea or Coffee? tea

146. Was today a good day? today was long

147. Mars or Snickers? snickers, I suppose. I don’t like either of these

148. What’s your favourite quote? I’ve come across several quotes I thought were terribly clever and I wanted to remember, and I remember none of them. Although recently “anything worth doing is worth doing halfway” has been good to me

149. Do you believe in ghosts? can’t think of a reason not to

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? (via catscuddlingandyou) I’ll level. It’s 7:39am, I haven’t slept, and everything hurts, I don’t really want to get out of bed and look for a book for this. I’ll pull up the book I have on my phone, though. “so unnerved was he at the sight that he leaned against the wall with his hand to his throat to stifle his inclination to call out.”

[darhwolf]

All the asks

Lotta personal stuff. Enjoy

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?Never held hands

2. Are you outgoing or shy?Shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?nobody at the moment

4. Are you easy to get along with?yeah if you aren’t a dick :P

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?I don’t really “Like” anybody at the moment

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?Really nice people. Simple as that

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?Nope.probably never will :/

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?on my mind as just randomly thinking about them? @annoyinglyoptimisticbread​ On my mind as in liking somebody, absolutely nobody

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?Nah

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?like- really deep? Probably my friend Kayla

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?“Don’t you die either”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?I don’t fuckin know :P

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?Nah

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?Luck? yeah sure. Miracles? nah

15. What good thing happened this summer?Not killing myself

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?Never kissed, probably never will

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?Yeah, with the universe infinitely expanding

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?nah.

19. Do you like bubble baths?yus, but I haven’t taken one in a LONG time

20. Do you like your neighbors?yeah, but I don’t really talk to them

21. What are you bad habits?Self harm, but I’m on a clean streakeating

22. Where would you like to travel?Dunno :/

23. Do you have trust issues?Hell yes

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?with school? getting home

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?My stomach. I’m fucking fat as shit and I hate myself

26. What do you do when you wake up?Eat

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?darker

28. Who are you most comfortable around?Probably my friend Kayla

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?Don’t have any lol

30. Do you ever want to get married?Maybe

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?nope

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?Maisie Williams and Sophie Turner lol

33. Spell your name with your chin.Qpledxc d

34. Do you play sports? What sports?Nope

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?as much as I like music, I love Game of Thrones and Stranger Things moreMusic

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?Yes

37. What do you say during awkward silences?nothing because I, too, am awkward

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?I don’t fucking know. Somebody who would REALLY LEGITIMATELY love me

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?None, I prefer online shops :D

40. What do you want to do after high school?Youth Therapy. In other words, help people like me so they aren’t so fucked up, like me

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?MOST people. not everyone

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?I’m tired, I’m feeling like nobody cares about me, I’m lonely, I’m depressed, any combination of those, or all of the above

43. Do you smile at strangers?Yeah, why not?

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?Bottom of the ocean, assuming it’s safe

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?I have no clue

46. What are you paranoid about?I don’t know any in particular

47. Have you ever been high?I will be tomorrow because I’m getting my WISDOM TEETH REMOVED I’M NOT READY TO BE HIGH

48. Have you ever been drunk?nope

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?nope

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?Blue

51. Ever wished you were someone else?Yes. Hundreds of times

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?that I wasn’t so fucking hideous

53. Favourite makeup brand?None

54. Favourite store?Teespring, probably. Or Redbubble

55. Favourite blog?@queereindeer6667​ or @annoyinglyoptimisticbread​

56. Favourite colour?Imagine a blueish color. Imagine Rain. imagine a dark blueish color associated with rain. That one

57. Favourite food? Chocolate or Pizza

58. Last thing you ate?Chocolate muffin

59. First thing you ate this morning?Chocolate muffin

60. Ever won a competition? For what?nope

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?nope

62. Been arrested? For what?nope

63. Ever been in love? Maybe

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?never been kissed, never will

65. Are you hungry right now?not really

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?Yes because they fucking care about me more. They actually see my depressed posts and ask “Hey, I saw your post earlier, everything alright?” I post depressed shit to my snapchat and nobody bats an eye

67. Facebook or Twitter?Twitter

68. Twitter or Tumblr?Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?Nope

70. Names of your bestfriends? Miriam, Z, Kayla

71. Craving something? What?Nope

72. What colour are your towels?There’s light blue and dark brown, also tan but I don’t use those

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?2

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?One stuffed animal, a raven

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?8-9? I keep them in my room because memories :D

75. Favourite animal?Dog

76. What colour is your underwear?Black, Blue

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?Chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?Golden Ribbon

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?Not wearing a shirt rn

80. What colour pants?Gray, mostly

81. Favourite tv show?Game of Thrones or Stranger Things

82. Favourite movie?Deadpool or Finding Nemo

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?Haven’t seen either

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?Haven’t seen either

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?dunno

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?holy shit obviously Dory hell yes

87. First person you talked to today?my dad

88. Last person you talked to today?my dad

89. Name a person you hate?Jason Hill

90. Name a person you love?My dad

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?Not in particular

92. In a fight with someone?Nope

93. How many sweatpants do you have?None

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?1

95. Last movie you watched?Kingsman: The Golden Circle

96. Favourite actress?Maisie Williams

97. Favourite actor?Kit Harington

98. Do you tan a lot?nope

99. Have any pets?nope

100. How are you feeling?Right now? “Eh”

101. Do you type fast?kinda?

102. Do you regret anything from your past?Too many things

103. Can you spell well?Yes? I think?

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?Hell yes

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?nah

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?No. Had it broken? yeah

107. Have you ever been on a horse?Yes

108. What should you be doing?Nothing atm

109. Is something irritating you right now?No

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?not that much

111. Do you have trust issues?hell yeah

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?my dad

113. What was your childhood nickname?Never had one

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?Yup

115. Do you play the Wii?Used to

116. Are you listening to music right now?Nope

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?yes

118. Do you like Chinese food?yes

119. Favourite book?Call of The Wild

120. Are you afraid of the dark?nah

121. Are you mean?I hope not

122. Is cheating ever okay?No. Never. 

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?No

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?No

125. Do you believe in true love?Maybe?

126. Are you currently bored?Nah

127. What makes you happy?FUCKINH HELPING FRIENDS IS THE FUCKING BEST LIKE YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS (Cough cough @queereindeer6667​ :P)

128. Would you change your name?Nah

129. What your zodiac sign?Aquarius

130. Do you like subway?God yes I love subway

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?Check: are they in a relationshipCheck 2: Am I in a relationshipCheck 3: Would we be compatible?If check one and 2 are false, but check 3 is true, then I would wait for them to ask me out, but I would give them small hints

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?My friend Kayla

133. Favourite lyrics right now?Favorite? none. Ones that apply the MOST to me are “Same shit, different day”

134. Can you count to one million?Yeah

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?I dunno

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?closed

137. How tall are you?6′1

138. Curly or Straight hair?Either are fine

139. Brunette or Blonde?I like both :D

140. Summer or Winter?Winter

141. Night or Day?Night

142. Favourite month?I don’t know. October, December, or March?

143. Are you a vegetarian?Nope

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?Dark or milk. White is OK

145. Tea or Coffee?Neither

146. Was today a good day?So far it has been

147. Mars or Snickers?Snickers

148. What’s your favourite quote?I don’t feel like posting it. I’m lazy today

149. Do you believe in ghosts?yes

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?“whether they had been dreaming or not. So, in order to test this idea, he ex-”

[gingerdaile]

Keith’s Genetics

SPOILERS AHEAD

No, I am not kidding, there are Voltron Legendary Defender Season Three spoilers ahead.

I know that “The Paladin’s Handbook: Official Guidebook of Voltron Legendary Defender” (Pre-order it on Amazon) has Keith as half human/half Galra, but, take a second to think.

What if he was half Altean and half Galra? Now, I l know he does not have the traditional Altea markings (pointy ears and cheek markings), but remember, Alteans can shapeshift their body. Changing skin pigments, hair color, body shape, ect.. At his early age it(shapeshifting) was a defense mechanism, he probably doesn’t know that he is truly Altean. We never know if there is a time limit to the ability, or if they need to continuously think about it. What if he looks human because that is what his mind has told him ever since he has seen what humans look like?  Allura said it herself it is to make her look friendly towards the species and to “blend in”. To blend in? We see this in season one, but only by Allura. Coran had a chance to do so in the Space Mall episode of season two, but chose to not do so. So hopefully, as Allura had said, it is for ALL Alteans, and not just royalty. I might have proof. First, what I believe, then you’ll notice when everything aligns with the Voltron timeline.

PICTURE THIS:

Living Alteans, because who does not think that King Alfor would evacuate his planet, sending everyone to different corners of the universe quite like the Lions, they have survive 10,000 years in Galra dominating space. Eventually, they either married to other runaway Alteans, other species of aliens (as whoever they like congrats!), or not able to and die off (sorry, it is the circle of life). Well, some male Altean met with a (very hot) female rebel fighter Galra (Blade of Marmora), and decided to do whatever people do (keeping this PG because THIS IS A CHILDREN’S SHOW, though I am twenty and watching a children’s show). That brought about….. KEITH.

Keith looks like a pure Altean, except for his eyes and hair, of course the hair is so fluffy even as an infant, and his eyes reflect the normal Galra pupils. Because of Keith’s heritage, though would be great with the Blade, but due to what the Blade has to do, rebel fighting business and all that. His mother and father thought it would be good to let Keith not be raised in the Blade of Marmora (remember, we do not know how old Lotor is, so maybe because of Lotor before he was exiled, he was still looking for half Galrans).  Now, here is where it gets sad.

Keith was raised by his father, but they were attacked by the Galra. Keith’s mother, probably working on the inside as a spy or something, takes Keith, who is still young enough to not have memory for this (people can remember things as young as three years old, but the range is between 3-5 years of age, the median range is 4.7 years old), and runs away from the fight. She and Keith make it to Earth, but she cannot stay due to her being Galra, and she obviously cannot blend into the society. But, guess who has Altean genes?

Keith does. Because of his early age (we are putting it to a young, YOUNG child, no older than three), his ability to shapeshift would have been classified as a defense mechanism. Why would this ability be a defense mechanism for a child on planet Earth? (Rhetorical question we all know that humans do not like things that are unknown, unfamiliar, and different.) His mother told him something, something that is always in his mind even if he specifically cannot remember it, and he shapeshifted his body to look like a human. Hiding his Altean markings, hiding his fluffy hair as best as he could, if he had purple skin, he made it pale like a human (He is supposedly from Texas according to the southern sounding ‘father’, which I will talk quickly below) he pictured in his Blade of Marmora trial, and he cannot be that pale and be from Texas. Not without forever burns or a tan, I should know, I do not know how many people from my campus are from Texas). His mother left him in the care of a random guy/family, or in the adoption system, whichever one you guys want to choose that is less sad.

This lead Keith to be either put into the Shirogane family (have you guys not compared the faces of Shiro and the person that is to be Keith’s ‘father’? THEY LOOK THE SAME! This has brought people to believe that they are actually half siblings if Keith is truly half human half galra, which is a close second headcanon of mine, but let’s stick with Galra/Altean for now). This does bring in the plotline of Keith’s disciplinary expulsion from the Garrison, but I will bring that in later.  Shiro is confirmed to be seven years older than the second oldest paladin (not counting Allura the pink Paladin, for she IS the oldest, Keith is the second oldest at 18, turning nineteen this year), at the age of 25. We do not know when the students graduate from the Garrison, but we can give that it is like a boarding school or a college (Pidge is 15 years old, I know, young for a college, but you have to remember she is EXTREMELY SMART! Well, all of the paladins are smart, but she is wickedly smart. SHE HACKS INTO THE GARRISON EVERY NIGHT. Back on track though), so the age if it is a college is between 21 and 22 years old. If it is a high school, it is between 17 and 19 years old (Matt is considered a student of the Garrison at the time he and the rest of the Kerberos crew was taken Shrio was a senior officer at the age of 23, so it might be safe to say that it could be a combination of both, kinda like JROTC and ROTC from highschool to college in the United States).  When Shiro went missing, Keith was already a student of the Garrison, so he was technically out of the system if he was part of the adoption system. If he was being taken in by the Shirogane’s, it would have given him more motivation to find out what had happened to Shiro. When he tried to find information about Shiro or the Kerberos mission (quite like little Miss Katie Holt), he was caught by Commander Iverson.

This in itself might have brought about the expulsion of Keith. Ever wonder how Iverson lost his eye if he was teaching a bunch of teenagers how to fly a dang spaceship?  Yes, you can say that he was in the military, but not a lot of people go into the space exploration part of life because they left the military (I live near Stennis here in the United States. You can basically be in high school and get a job there. I didn’t because I want to die in space, not learn about it). Maybe the military was because of college, but who knows right now. Most likely, Keith has a good enough punch, or because he carries the dagger his mother gave to him everywhere he goes, he attacks Iverson because of his low temper. Or, maybe, it is a long shot (my sister’s boyfriend brought this up after watching only season three of Voltron), he shapeshifted and attack Iverson in his Galra form, and because of what had happened, he blacked out or his memory made him forget it since it scared/scarred him so much. He ran away, being ultimately expelled from the Garrison (this expulsion gave a spot for Pidge to enter the Garrison under her alias to receive information of the same thing that Keith wanted to find out about).

I had said that he might have been living under the Shirogane’s, you would think that he would go back there. Well, he still wanted to know what had happened to Shiro, so he left to go to the shack out in the middle of the desert (close enough to the Garrison for information if needed). That is when he started to find signals about the Blue Lion.  He then felt the crash from Shiro’s escape pod crashing to the Earth, went to save Shiro, and was connected to the rest of the crew.

Keith does not freak out about Allura, other than maybe a jump for when she had appeared or yelled at them for having different ears. Reasoning? He still has a picture of his father in the back of his mind. Far enough back that he cannot physically remember it, but he knows that the ones who looks like his father should be ‘nice’ (child instinct for familiarity. Yes, he is seventeen at this time, for I am placing his birthday right after they left he and the others left Earth). Though he did not tense up when he saw Galra for the ‘first’ time either, for he had a familiarity for them too because of his mother, he was raised by his father due to his mother being in the Blade, until whatever was needed to send him to Earth.

When he found out he was Galra in The Blade of Marmora, we did not see if he was surprised ultimately or not (because the showrunners did not want to disclose the effects between the crew to us, we might never know). Of course, Hunk was puzzled with Keith when they were in the Weblum, but that was the overall extent of questioning from the paladins themselves. Allura was more of a racist little devil for a few episodes. But, back to when he realised he was Galra. He was placed into a coma like state, obviously because of all of the fighting he had to do, which brought him into a dream like state. Here is when we see the ‘father’ we all know we claim that is his real dad.

This is what I brought up earlier. This man, if you guys have seen any photo of him, looks really familiar. So familiar, that he looks like someone he claims to be like a brother to him. Yep, Takashi Shirogane. Right on down to the hair, eyebrows, eye color, though the scar is in a different place, it basically was an exact copy of Shiro except for the accent of course. Brings to that who he was thinking about was really a mix of who he believes is his real dad, or he sees a father figure in Shiro (Space Dad being all inquisitive up in here).  I am not saying that this man is not Keith’s real father, we just do not know all that much of Keith’s dad outside of this coma induced dream. Shiro in Keith’s dream (which was shown before Keith’s ‘father’), was acting like a father figure. Keith being placed alone after he chose the dagger, trying to know who he is, over leaving with Shiro, knowing that he is a paladin of Voltron which is considered the only thing he needs to know. When Keith awakens, he ultimately tries to give up the dagger because Shiro wanted him to leave quickly, but the Blade would not let them leave without leaving the dagger behind (which is when Keith says that he needs to defeat Zarkon). He awoken the Blade with this, confirming that he is part Galra.

In the immediate episode, The Belly of the Weblum, Keith tells Hunk that he is not alien. Well, he is at least half alien. Technically, everyone is an alien if you truly think about it deeply. Anyway, they retort back and forth about this, Keith denying anything and everything that is thrown at him. They enter the Weblum, split up, and that is when we come across Axca. Wait, who is Axca? Season three we find out that Axca, Lotor’s right hand, was the Galra who was inside of the Weblum with the Paladins (yes, Keith calls Axca he, but she is a quiet person and possibly does not want her cover to be blown too early for us viewers about the female generals). Hunk and Keith keep talking about Keith’s heritage about being half Galra, but not once did he say that he was human too. Axca, with information that someone was Galra, but does not look it, now has information to give to Lotor, especially after they meet face to face in Tailing A Comet in season three, confirming to her that Keith is a paladin of Voltron. This means the the trouble that Keith’s mother had at the beginning of this entire thing might come back against him in season four.

To use any of the technology the Galra use, you have to have Galra blood. But, Haggar (real name confirmed to be Honerva) is not Galra. You can say that she too uses the shapeshifting ability the Alteans have, but it is proven false due to in The Legend Begins, she changed overtime due to as results of overexposure to quintessence (not even kidding for overexposure, it was freaking overkill, literally. She and Zarkon DIED). So, for Haggar to use any of the technology, the technology needed to be configured to allow Alteans to use it. This would have been the reason to let Allura use the technology when she shapeshift back in season one. It says in the wiki that the Altean’s shapeshifting powers is a way to use the Galra technology, but technically, the Galra technology needs Galra genetics of at least 51%. If that is so, how can Honerva, Allura, OR EVEN Keith use the technology if shapeshifting does not give you the genetics of Galra, and that with genetics, nothing can be more than 50%, for it is split up between the father and the mother. Allura is, presumably because we have seen both the King and Queen of Altea being both Alteans, 100% Altean. Honerva, though we do not know her heritage, is at least 50% Altean (it seems that she might have Galra heritage due to her skin and hair color, but it might just be a different race of Alteans). If Keith’s father is human, then Keith has to be 50% human no matter what, along with whatever his mother was, if she was half Galra or full Galra. The technology would not work unless he has more than 51% of the species that the Galra technology recognizes, which can now be confirmed to be Galra AND Alteans because of Haggar. This gives more belief that Keith could be half Altean and half Galra, and not just half Galra.

As season four comes out in two months, we can only hope for more information about Keith, Lotor, the Galra and the Alteans. If this does not give enough information to prove or give any chance to believe that Keith might be more than just Galra as an alien species, feel free to ask for more, since I was up all night doing this instead of sleeping (four hours, a scary spider, and a tired sibling who is still in high school). When season four hits or when I realize more information, I will add to this.

Please remember that his father being Altean is still my headcanon, and I am only trying to prove a point. Things that I say that has not been confirmed or denied is up to interpretation to the eye of the beholder. None of the paladin’s last names in this has been confirmed to be their real names, except for Takashi Shirogane and Katie Holt/Pidge Gunderson. Lance, Keith, and Hunk does not have a last name in Voltron: Legendary Defender. So, anytime I give one of those three last names, I am still referring to VLD still, but with them having a last name just seems complete. This will be touched up with more information is given. Feel free to reblog this as much as possible.

Everything that has been said here at this time comes from the official transcripts of Voltron Legendary Defender, Voltron Legendary Defender wiki, Voltron Legendary Defender (television show), previous knowledge of psychological information, and endless youtube videos and tumblr posts that I have seen over the past year. Any episodes that was not listed was because of not being near a gathering information source to list the correct episode. Instead, the season is listed.

[verdigrisprowl]

Operation: SPRLKDFLJGH. Part 5.

Tarantulas repaired Springer’s zero point. Our boy is Cured.

But still not awake—not until he gets his upgrades. That’s coming next time.

To properly capture the mood of this stream as it was when we were writing it, please go watch every song with “doctor,” “surgeon,” “nurse,” or related words in the title that you can find.

Whirl 6:48 pm

((screaming)) ((my internet is being real bad so my skype messages ain't going through. let's see how many times rabbit drops me before i give up))

Tarantulas 6:49 pm

(( ;A;

ItsyBitsySpyers 6:53 pm

((how we wanna start))

FakeProwl 6:54 pm

((want me to describe the lab in more detail?))

ItsyBitsySpyers 6:55 pm

((sounds good))

FakeProwl 7:04 pm

"I'm going to find a light source." He headed for a wall, and then searched around the perimeter for a switch, as he did so illuminating swathes of the lab in his headlights. The lab was obviously long past its heyday—it seemed to be mostly used for storage now, crates piled up on and under the tables, many of them marked with hazardous material warnings—but it was clear that even when it had been in use, it probably hadn't been the pride of the Decepticons' R&D department. Over a dozen workstations, most of them with radically different equipment nearby, were crammed into a room that could more comfortably have held eight. But the station they were working at now—the prototype for the Phase Sixer project—had, at one point, been given a place of pride; most of the other tables were scooted away from it, giving more room to the project it had been working on, and the empty tank near the medical berth was the largest thing in the room.

FakeProwl 7:06 pm

Prowl found a switch near a set of double doors, and flipped it on. A knee-height generator in the far corner of the room began humming, lights on top of it glowed a sickly green, and in a few seconds fluorescent lights flickered on. Two similar-looking generators were shoved underneath the tank, so at least they'd be able to get adequate power to it without having to disrupt the base's electrical supply.

Whirl 7:14 pm

Whirl stalks through carefully, swiveling his helm about in a sweeping, exaggerated arc. He remains tensely silent for a moment, just as calm and still as he's been since the mission began, before softly muttering, "What a dump."

Whirl steps aside to let the others enter. He continues peering about, and after a moment, he pauses, making a soft huffing noise with his vents. "Hey, Ravage? Can I get your take on this? Someone's been here recently, I think."

He looks back towards the bridge. "I can smell 'em."

ItsyBitsySpyers 7:22 pm

Soundwave drops out of alt mode from just high enough to make the smallest thump possible and deploys Ravage.

The big cat sneers at the room - who's been maintaining this mess? - and prowls around a little, the small plates along his nose bunching up and wrinkling. His tail flicks a couple of times, and then he squints at a corner of the room. There's nobody there, though. It's probably safe enough.

=Yes. Older scent.= Huff. He sits on his haunches and looks up at Whirl. =I don't know them.=

FakeProwl 7:24 pm

"That would be the Constructicons' friend," Prowl says. "They talked somebody into checking out this lab and making sure the equipment was still there. Other than that, they report that nobody else has been in this lab, and I quote, 'for forever.'"

Tarantulas 7:32 pm

After shifting back out of Springer-carrying mode, Tarantulas remains unusually quiet, busying himself setting up on and around the berth where Springer now laid. The mess all around doesn't seem to bother him - if anything, it makes him feel more at home. The boxes scattered around the berth serve as perfect organizing surfaces for the surgical tools and equipment Tarantulas is pulling from both his subspace and through a small bridge back to the Tor.

"Just so long as no one is ACTUALLY here," he mutters.

FakeProwl 7:34 pm

With the lights back on, Prowl drifts back toward the berth. He grimaces at the tools stacked on the various boxes. "That doesn't look sufficiently sterile."

Whirl 7:35 pm

After getting confirmation from Ravage, Whirl huffs softly, one last time. "Yeah. That'd explain it," he says. After this, Whirl falls largely silent. He isn't going to interrupt the surgical proceedings unless something happens, but he is going to be watching Tarantulas like a hawk.

Tarantulas 7:38 pm

Scoffing, Tarantulas double-taps the top of a box, and the surface seems to ripple. "I've laid holo-mats," he explains. "I'm honestly offended you think I'm that slapdash, especially /now/ of all times."

ItsyBitsySpyers 7:41 pm

Already deployed as of the last space they were in, Frenzy wrests himself free of his brother's grip and trots over to examine the surgical equipment. This is some kinda learning opportunity, as well as the chance to see some cool alternate-world guts, and he's gonna take 'em both. Rumble stands over by Prowl, while Ravage moves over to Whirl and resettles himself, still sniffing the air from time to time.

FakeProwl 7:42 pm

Prowl nods. Good enough for him. He settles back against a table to watch.

... Not good enough. "How can I help?"

Tarantulas 7:50 pm

Alright, all settled. Tarantulas steps back for a moment to survey everything, to get one last glimpse of Springer lying strangely serenely there on the berth still with the temporary life support module on his chest - before he begins.

"Mostly by staying right where you are," Tarantulas says offhand. "The zero point should be easy enough to resolve once I find it." He's picking up sensors and bits from the kit he made, placing them strategically, starting to remove plating here and there to get at underlying parts of Springer's frame.

FakeProwl 7:51 pm

Prowl hesitantly nods. He crosses his arms, puts on his most neutral face, and settles back to wait.

Whirl 7:53 pm

Whirl is going to stretch up to his full height and crane his neck so he can watch, but he's not going to move from his spot. He's just going to stare, intense and unblinking.

Tarantulas 7:56 pm

Unfortunately for the rest of the crew, there isn't really much to monitor or watch, no screens on which Springer's vitals are displayed - only some beeping from smaller pads arrayed on a box right next to Tarantulas. The only sounds otherwise are from the surgery itself, klunks and scrapes of plating, and the buzz of equipment as Tarantulas runs spark energy through Springer's chassis one trial at a time.

Tarantulas 7:59 pm

It isn't long before he's worked his way up to focus on Springer's chest, then shoulders, then neck, then solely his helm. There's some muttering about how that would make sense - of course the zero point's in Springer's helm somewhere. "One of the only things they /didn't/ replace on his frame. And no one thought to - well. I'm sure they did. But given - hm. If..."

ItsyBitsySpyers 8:02 pm

Soundwave isn't paying much attention to the surgery itself; Frenzy can deliver him a recording later AND have it annotated to the best of his ability. Instead, he's busy poking and prodding at the different machines laid out around the room, searching for something that will help him get into the building's security with a minimum of work. Laserbeak's at the door, listening carefully for sounds of approaching Decepticons. It keeps her from complaining about rescuing an Autobot.

FakeProwl 8:03 pm

Prowl is still all crossed arms and careful neutrality; but he's leaned forward to watch as Tarantulas progressed. Of course, of COURSE it's in his head. The only part of him that hadn't been completely replaced. They hadn't even fixed his nose, had they; nothing else would have been changed.

Tarantulas 8:07 pm

Carefully Tarantulas begins taking apart Springer's helm, small pieces of kibble at a time, until he's fairly certain where the zero point is. A little tricky - it's very close to the brain module, but nothing that frightens Tarantulas. He'll be able to handle this.

Tarantulas 8:10 pm

There's a moment when he almost pauses, suddenly emotional as underlying bits of Springer's helm start looking much more like Ostaros - but he keeps on.

"...I've got it." Not triumphant, just matter-of-fact.

ItsyBitsySpyers 8:10 pm

Frenzy leans forward, determined to see for himself what a zero point looks like.

...He kinda thought it would be something really big. Huh.

Whirl 8:11 pm

"Where was it?"

FakeProwl 8:13 pm

Prowl craned his neck slightly, but didn't get any closer. It probably wasn't going to be visible to the naked optic, he was sure; and there was no practical reason for Prowl to know that would justify crowding Tarantulas while he was trying to work.

Tarantulas 8:13 pm

Honestly there's really nothing to even SEE. It's a microscopic gap in spark circulation, after all.

"Directly inferior to his left lateral subprocessor. Not interfering with processing itself, mind you."

ItsyBitsySpyers 8:14 pm

That's why Frenzy's surprised.

Tarantulas 8:19 pm

The kit pieces are discarded now in favor of finer tools, one of which seems to be something akin to a soldering iron. Tarantulas leans in close, and...

It's mere seconds before he's done, stepping back again to check Springer's vitals on the mini console. A quick scan, a pause, another quick scan, and a pleased chitter of mandibles. "Well! One surgery, successfully completed. All I've left to do is reassemble, and - yes. Yesyesyes."

ItsyBitsySpyers 8:19 pm

\\WHAT'D YOU DO?\\ It's said as quietly as he can manage, which is a hair above indoor voice.

Whirl 8:20 pm

He only moves slightly, stepping around the perimeter of the scene to get a better view and a fresh angle.

Tarantulas 8:21 pm

"Bridged the gap, of course. You DO know what a zero point is, don't you?"

Tarantulas already has Springer's helm back together, all bits of Ostaros disappeared again. Springer himself hasn't stirred.

FakeProwl 8:21 pm

(Somewhere back in reality, Prowl sighs in relief.) "He's—fixed, then? You're sure? There's some difference you can measure now?"

ItsyBitsySpyers 8:22 pm

Frenzy shakes his head yes. Then no. Then shrugs? What he knows is literally what he just saw and a bland everyman's explanation picked up from earlier discussions.

Tarantulas 8:23 pm

"Yes, most definitely. Spark energy circulation is reestablished instantaneously as soon as the zero point's negated, and - of course I can measure that." He's consistently baffled by the things other people don't know, goodness.

FakeProwl 8:26 pm

It isn't that he doesn't know; he just needs to hear the conformation. He nods. That's good enough for him. "... I expect to see a paper on your new repair process sometime soon."

ItsyBitsySpyers 8:27 pm

Frenzy rolls his optics. Are they seriously getting mushy during a surgery and mission? Some romantic bots, Primus.

Tarantulas 8:28 pm

A few tools get tossed back into subspace, clearing up a box, and the life support module is gone from Springer's chest as well.

"Sometime, hyeh."

Tarantulas 8:29 pm

"And yes, before anyone asks, he's not going to wake up yet, he's still in induced stasis."

FakeProwl 8:31 pm

Hey. Prowl is all business. He's talking about a paper that could potentially save countless future zero point victims. The fact that this is also about as close as Prowl can get to giving a compliment to someone's face is irrelevant.

Tarantulas 8:32 pm

Pretty much, yep. Tarantulas didn't catch that bit, he's already moving on to the spark augmentation process, removing one bit of Springer's chest after another in order to get to his spark chamber.

[ofthewind01]

Another Tag Thing

Tagged by @hyrulehearts1123​ - am I supposed to be doing things?

...Yes actually. But screw that.

Rules: Answer all questions and tag 20 people.

1. What is your nickname?

I don’t have too many, I prefer my real name (which I’m not revealing), but I have been called Windy and Sketch a lot.

2. What is your zodiac sign?  

Taurus. Whoo.

3. What is your favorite book series?

I don’t read as many books as I used to, but the original Percy Jackson is up there.

4. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts?

Not really.

5. Who is your favorite author?

Uhm...unsure. Again, I don’t read a lot. NEXT!

6. What is your current favorite song?

Ok, my favorite song pretty much changes weekly, but right now it’s a mix of Dangerous (Left Boy Remix), Two Birds and Older and Taller (Regina Specktor), Animal (Minor Key Version, Chase Holfelder), and who knows what else.

7. What is your favorite word?

Puscilanimous is a fun word. I like that one. I like many words. Too bad I can’t always speak them right.

8. What was the last song you listened to?

Closer + All Star Remix (DJ Dwibbit). I don’t even know why but it’s not bad.

9. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch?

The Great British Baking Show. It’s just so comforting, and honestly so much calmer than American Baking shows. Just so sweet and welcoming.

10. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down?

I spend more time on Youtube than on movies. It’s kinda sad. That and I overanalyze movies way too much. That being said, I just found an amazing movie called Ethel and Ernest and I’d highly reccomend that as a feel good (or feel bad) movie.

11. Do you play video games?

Heheheh no

12. What is your biggest fear?

Being unnoticed or unsuccessful. Or that I’m not doing enough. Or FOBO.

13. What is your best quality, in your opinion?

Uhm... I’m quiet? I’m not loud and obnoxious. Or interesting.

14. What is your worst quality, in your opinion?

I’m too quiet, and really passive. And I have a weird way of jumbling the English language.

15. What is your favorite season?

Fall and Spring are especially pretty.

16. Are you in a relationship?

Good question.

17. What is something you miss from your childhood?

Times where kids in the neighborhood would play outside together. Nowadays everyone is inside on their devices.

I’m not blaming them though, it’s friggin hot and humid down here in the day.

18. Who is your best friend?

I’ve got 4ish irl best friends, and some good friends all around, but I’m hoping to continue making new ones.

19. What is your eye color?

Brown.

20. What is your hair color?

Brown. I’ve got the complexion of a turd.

21. Who is someone you love?

Family and close friends

22. Who is someone you trust?

Completely? Not many people. My parents? Probably?

23. Who is someone you think about often?

Characters I’ve made. It’s dumb but I think about fictional situations a LOT.

24. Are you currently excited about/for something?

I just started concepting a new comic that I’m hoping will be a success - right now it’s got a bit more potential than my other ideas.

25. What is your biggest obsession?

Writing and art, and Youtube. All good.

26. What was your favorite TV show as a child?

I watched a lot of PBS kids as a child, we didn’t have cable. But Fetch with Ruff Ruffman was a good one I always loved.

27. Do you have any unusual phobias?

Not really? I’m not that interesting. 

28. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it?

Behind. I want to work in film after all.

29. What is your favorite hobby?

Concepting, for art and stories alike.

30. What was the last book you read?

I haven’t read a book in a while =u=‘ I can’t remember. I’m probably going to read Les Miserables soon though.

31. What was the last movie you watched?

Ethel and Ernest. Great movie. Srsly.

32. What musical instruments do you play, if any?

I played French horn for a while, I could still pull that off.

33. What is your favorite animal?

EVERYTHING, mostly cats though. And dogs.

34. What are your top 5 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow?

I don’t pay much attention to tumblr.

35. What superpower do you wish you had?

Flying. Or wind. Both very useful. However, the process of growing wings is awful.

Trust me I would know.

36. When and where do you feel most at peace?

The beach at night.

37. What makes you smile?

Corny puns, being in good company, cracking bad jokes.

38. What sports do you play, if any?

I was in Marching Band for 4 years - IT’S A SPORT

39. What is your favorite drink?

Sweet Tea, original or wild berry.

40. Are you afraid of heights?

If I have no protection, yes.

41. What is your biggest pet peeve?

Arrogant people who will defend a point without compromise or insight. And sudden loud noises. And little brothers. Ahem.

42. Have you ever been to a concert?

A few, nothing hugely popular though. Mostly Christian stuff... I need to get out more.

43. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

An artist? I didn’t think about jobs much, but I always wanted to create.

44. What fictional world would you like to live in?

Something peaceful. Zootopia would be cool.

45. What is something you worry about?

I worry a lot ok that’s not new. What other people think of me is a big one.

46. Are you scared of the dark?

Only when alone.

47. Do you like to sing?

I’ve been in choir since kindergarden - what do YOU think?

48. Have you ever skipped school?

Nope. I was a good kid. Good and boring.

49. What is your favorite place on the planet?

Not sure, I haven’t been too many places. Florida beaches are really nice though. And so are the North GA Mountains.

And LA is especially beautiful. It’s pretty much all of that rolled into one.

50. Where would you like to live?

Big city, big opportunities. Like where I live now - ATL.

51. Do you have any pets?

A skiddish cat and a younger brother.

52. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl?

Early bird - I’m always the first one awake at a party. But I can play with the family pets then.

53. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better?

Sunsets. You don’t have to be up super early.

54. Do you know how to drive?

Yep. Not the best though, I’ve hit a parked car before.

55. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones?

Earbuds, they’re not as clunky.

56. Have you ever had braces?

Yep. For 2 years.

57. What is your favorite genre of music?

I’m not picky, but Alt. is my favorite.

58. Who is your hero?

Too many people, my parents are up there with people like Malala Yousafzai and John Lasseter. 

59. Do you read comic books?

Sometimes. I read a few webcomics, and run one myself though.

60. What makes you the most angry?

Sudden loud noises, and consistent loud noises. And arrogant world leaders. And arrogance in general.

61. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book?

Real book, I do get a bit more bored with electronic reading. Plus, books can’t die.

62. What is your favorite subject in school?

Art! And calculus. Not sure how that works.

63. Do you have any siblings?

A younger brother. He’s awful.

64. What was the last thing you bought?

...food probably. I like food. I think it was Moes.

65. How tall are you?

5′2″. It doesn’t help I’m skinny and short.

66. Can you cook?

I can, with a recipe. 

67. What are three things that you love?

Thinking, writing, drawing. 

68. What are three things that you hate?

Loud noises, rampant childishness, and those who think that the first two will give them power.

69. What is your sexual orientation?

I’m somewhere between straight and ace. Does that make sense?

70. Where do you currently live?

Georgia! Come for the who knows what, die of humidity.

71. Who was the last person you texted?

@hyrulehearts1123​ and another writing buddy. Yay writing buddies.

72. When was the last time you cried?

I think Sunday, for all of 10 seconds. I hate crying. I just do.

73. Who is your favorite YouTuber?

IHateEverything, as of right now. Having fun with that series.

74. Do you like to take selfies?

Sometimes, they don’t really turn out all that good though.

75. What is your favorite app?

If I had a favorite it would probably be iFunny.

76. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like?

Pretty good, they’re great parents.

77. What is your favorite foreign accent?

Children with accents - it’s just so friggin cute!

78. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit?

England, or anywhere in Europe really. I’ve never been there.

79. What is your favorite number?

Yours ;) jk I don’t have one

80. Do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting?

Space. Galaxies are breathtaking.

81. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil?

I’m pretty much the opposite of a daredevil.

82. Are you allergic to anything?

One type of obscure medicine. That’s about it.

83. Can you wiggle your ears?

Nnnnnope

84. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something?

Pretty often, even if it’s not my fault. That’s not healthy is it?

85. Do you prefer the forest or the beach?

I like both too much to choose. Forest (when safe) is probably better though.

86. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you?

“If you don’t feel stupid, you’re not working hard enough.” - My dad about working hard

87. Are you a good liar?

Occasionally. I wouldn’t let you know though.

88. What is your Hogwarts House?

Gryffendor and Hufflepuff. Gryfflepuff? 

89. Do you talk to yourself?

More than I talk to real people.

90. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

Introvert. 100% Unless I’m around extroverts. Then I’m a dork.

91. Do you keep a journal/diary?

Only of story ideas.

92. Do you believe in second chances?

Yes, but it’s less likely someone deserves them after a long period of time of repeated actions.

93. Do you believe that people are capable of change?

Yeah, people can change. But people can also change back.

94. Are you ticklish?

I used to be... thanks friends.

95. Have you ever been on a plane?

Yeah, a bunch. Is that a new thing?

96. Do you have any piercings?

Nope, I hate needles. Hate them.

97. What fictional character do you wish was real?

idk. All fictional characters have pros and cons to bringing them to the real world.

I’m too analytical aren’t I? Let’s just go with Calvin and Hobbes. They’re harmless.

98. Do you have any tattoos?

Nope. I’ve only thought about one, but, once again, NEEDLES.

99. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far?

When I switched from a public school to a private school.

100. Do you believe in karma?

Eh, not really. People make choices that affect them in the long run, that doesn’t mean it’s a supernatural thing.

101. Do you wear glasses or contacts?

Nope. I’m the only one with perfect vision in my somewhat extended family, until you hit some of my cousins.

102. Do you want children?

I couldn’t handle more than one kid. Maybe a dog will work instead.

103. Who is the smartest person you know?

My dad, personally.

104. What is your most embarrassing memory?

I can’t think of anything ultra-embarrassing right now, but I have a tendency to screw up the english language in strange and creative ways.

105. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter?

Only once, a while back. I need my beauty rest.

106. What color are most of you clothes?

Solid colors, mostly T-shirts. I look like a middle school boy most days. Not fun.

107. Do you like adventures?

Sure! I’m up for failing miserably.

108. Have you ever been on TV?

I was almost an extra in a Netflix movie - my family was up in New York City and we stumbled onto a set, and got to take part in it. I don’t think the scene was in the actual film though.

109. How old are you?

18.

110. What is your favorite quote?

“Do not let anyone define you because of where you come from. Your only limit is your soul.”

-My senior quote, from Ratatouille 

111. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods?

Savory. Sweet isn’t bad though.

112. Have your friends ever badly disapponted you?

Most of them have (not too badly though) at some point, but I love them anyways.

113.  What is your favorite scent?

Home sweet home. Too bad you can’t bottle that one up.

114. Random fact you know?

Banging your head against the wall burns 150 calories an hour. Go try it.

115. What is your opinion on long distance relationships?

They’re painful and tedious, and don’t always work out, but if the relationship is strong enough you’ll perservere. Why do you ask?

PS screw tagging people. Just screw it

[poisonousfey]

I read your Spun Sugar Peace part 2. I liked the part introducing the forsaken and eventually Sylvanas to the Horde, the group dynamics in particular. Trust and everything aside, how do you think the different Horde leaders developed their working relationships with each other?

so I've been thinking about this question a long time, and how I should answer it, because tbh I knew upon recieving this that it's either going to turn into an entire goddamn essay, or even another fic lmao

I think a lot of their working relationships develop firstly centered around thrall, because this is sort of an instance where everyone knows thrall but no one else, and thrall is essentially bringing them together to be one cohesive group. it turned out to be pretty effective, to the point where even though these people really have no business knowing each other let alone being allies, they're actually decently good friends. it's partly why all the leaders were really hurt, almost betrayed at the notion of thrall leaving during cata, and not only leaving, but leaving someone in charge who would seemingly go against all of that and split them up again. which, he sort of did, unintentionally, but everything that happened to garrosh was a two-way street and I'm not gonna get into that rn because that's another can of worms entirely.

anyway, what thrall essentially does is make friends w/ each of these people individually, and then p much invites them all to hang out at the same time. they're kinda unsure of each other, but hey, their friend said they're okay, and they trust their friend, so they're probably okay. I realize that's a really simplified answer and that obviously it's not gonna go that smoothly, but by the time everyone is friends individually, that's essentially what it boils down to, is that thrall treating each of them with respect and civility where they'd previously had none is kinda what prompts them to trust him and pay it forward, as it were. let's be for real, here, everyone on the horde is on the horde because they in some way shape or form got the shaft and had nowhere else to go, so him setting this example of respect and gentility despite the admittedly wildly different and sometimes contradicting cultures/customs is what leads the others to do so, as well. besides thrall setting the example to pay kindness forward w/ people who've probably gotten treated like shit a large portion of their lives, it'd probably be more on an individual basis how each of the leaders work it out. soooo let's take it from the top, I guess

(fair warning, SUPER long post behind the cut, w/ quite a bit of theorizing/headcanons)

let's start w/ sen'jin and vol'jin, since technically the orcs hooked up w/ them before they hooked up w/ the tauren. vol'jin I would see as sort of wary of joining up w/ the horde at first, since it didn't really go so well the first time around w/ the amani. sen'jin is probably wary, too, but is more willing to take a chance, partly because they don't really have a choice at first; it was either accept the horde's offer of help or die at the hands of humans and naga. so, tl;dr sen'jin gets captured by murlocs under the control of naga, thrall & the orcs and trolls do their best to break out of the prison they were put in and save him, but bottom line, sen'jin is really old and really hurt so he's not gonna make it. he just short of begs thrall to take the darkspear w/ him away from the isles so they can get away from the danger. so w/ that in mind, I can see vol'jin taking a super long time to trust anyone, really, including thrall, for pretty understandable reasons. trolls don't really have a good track record of hooking up w/ other races besides trolls, or even hooking up w/ other trolls in general. it doesn't tend to work out for them, because they've got a long history of violence and suspicion for anyone outside their particular tribe, partly because they're you know, inherently violent and suspicious on account of their societal environment, and partly because tbh, their chieftains as a whole don't really have a good track record of not taking advantage of this to further their own political gains and continuing that culture of violence and suspicion. which leads me back to thrall and vol'jin's relationship.

thrall sort of goes against a lot of these expectations, in that he's in a position where he could very easily advantage of them and, vol'jin's experience dictates that he absolutely will- it's why the darkspear fled stranglethorn in the first place. so for him to be put in this position of power and not only not take advantage of them but also treat them as equals if not as friends, would be a really weird experience for vol'jin, and one that he would take a very long while to warm up to, because you know, experience dictates that thrall is absolutely going to take advantage of the darkspear, it's just a matter of when and how. but it just never happens. that time never comes. I think what really seals their friendship is when zalazane decides to stir shit up, and the darkspear get kicked off their fucking island, again, and the orcs just open their arms to them without a second thought. like thrall and the horde have been handed every opportunity to screw them over on a silver fucking platter, and he just won't, for some reason, like it's not even a thought in his goddamn head, whereas w/ vol'jin, if given that opportunity, probably would've considered it at the very least, if only to keep his own tribe safe. honestly I see this happening as him and thrall are sitting in grommash hold trying to figure out where the darkspear can live now that they got kicked off their goddamn land for the third fucking time and he's offering for them to stay in Org and a switch suddenly flips, and vol'jin's like, "oh. this guy genuinely gives a shit about us. huh." and goes from being sort of standoffish and cold to the smartass asshole friend that picks on u for fun but is also ur ride-or-die and would probably also commit murder in cold blood for u.

the tauren go wayyyy easier, considering that they're like. the one horde faction that doesn't have a social environment that promotes suspicion for everyone outside your immediate clan/family group and killing as a legitimate, even common means of solving political problems lmao. no, they're pretty straightforward in comparison to the other horde factions, and even act as a fucking sponsor for the whole ex-villains support group they got going on. so yeah, cairne and thrall buddy up pretty quickly, cairne sort of slipping into a mentor role for thrall almost immediately. thrall collects dad and teacher figures, that;s just kind of a thing that happens in canon, and here's one that's actually emotionally accessible, particularly because cairne's already been there, done that; don't remember if it's canon but p sure the man has a fuckload of kids and grandkids. he knows what's doing. so yeah, orcs and tauren are fast friends because of similar lifestyles and a mutual need for help from each other, tauren needing help w/ getting the centaurs to fuck off and orcs needing help fucking off from their previous enemies that just won't let them fucking leave, for some reason

so anyway, cairne and vol'jin: you'd think they'd be fast friends b/c of the same reason thrall and cairne are fast friends, right? nope. Vol'jin is a goddamn adult. don't get me wrong, Thrall is an adult too, but he's like, barely 24 atp and hasn't really had a proper father-figure for like, 22 of those years, so obviously thrall's gonna warm up to cairne real fast. vol'jin, however, is the troll equivalent of being in his 30s, probably. I can't really give an actual number estimate because iirc a recent Q&A referenced trolls having about the same lifespan as bloodelves or dwarves (which is 200-300 years iirc), it's just that they rarely live that long because trolls tend to keep fuckin killing each other before they reach that age. and honestly even if I remembered that wrong I still sort of headcanon trolls being that long-lived anyway, because that's the only way that vol'jin remembers being in stranglethorn makes sense, because the darkspear got kicked out a ways back. anyway so, like I said before, vol'jin is gonna have a hard time trusting anybody, because experience dictates that at some point he's just inexplicably going to get fucked over. however, cairne being an actual reasonable person and treating vol'jin w/ respect probably helps smooth things out. like it's not gonna get him anywhere quick, but it's helping, at least. then, when finally vol'jin realizes "oh fuck wait these people actually give a shit about me & my people," that's when he starts to warm up. what probably helps is that they've got quite a bit in common. they've got similar lifestyles and problems, tho tauren tribes aren't as nearly as antagonistic as troll tribes are, probably because they've got bigger problems and quite a bit more space to roam, but it's still the mentality of putting your tribe first, and getting harassed by neighbors with a lot more strength than you have.

also I like to think that they've got a bit in common in the way of having large families- this is mostly headcanon on my part, but I'm p sure that like cairne, vol'jin has a pretty large family. I see trolls viewing polygamy + polyamory as acceptable, and while for a while there it was pretty deeply rooted in patriarchy sort of shit, like how it still kinda is back in stranglethorn, nowadays w/ the darkspear it can go either way, like you can have multiple wives & husbands and you just live on a homestead on the same property. like no one has to live all in the same house b/c that's crowded as shit, but homesteads, w/ lots of little houses, are okay. anyway the point I'm making is, vol'jin canonly has at least one kid, reportedly his "youngest son" (yenniku), and we have no idea where he came from, as well as he for some reason still being in fuckin stranglethorn when we the players go and find him. so I'm saying that vol'jin probably has like, idk, 2 wives and quite a few kids. he and the 2 wives are all married to each other, so it's not just them being married to vol'jin. anyway vol'jin's kids get along w/ cairne's kids, and that plus the both of them getting along w/ thrall, leads them to becoming friends ala "maybe we should get to know each other better b/c our kids are friends and we have a mutual friend." like w/ them it's very organic. most of cairne's relationships are very organic in their formation, because he's actually a pretty stable person.

sylvanas entering the picture is when things start to get complicated, because just entering the scene, she's got a lot of things working against her: she's a high elf, ex-alliance, undead, and ex-scourge. everyone is initially wary of her upon hearing of her, and for good reason. she knows this too, and she knows it's justified, even though she's pretty justified in being upset about it. I actually had to look up how the forsaken came to join the horde, because like?? I feel like it's not really addressed in game, because by the time vanilla starts, they're already a part of it. it's partly why I wrote spun sugar peace to begin with, because there's just so much shit that isn't covered in game that apparently happened. anyway so apparently, according to what canon I could find, it was the tauren, specifically the druids and hamuul runetotem, that vouched for them. and honestly, that's really interesting to me that it was the tauren that went "oh nooo poor baby come here let me take care of you" because from what I could find, what really makes the tauren take them in is the forsaken trying to cure themselves of this really really awful condition. like the forsaken reached out to a lot of the horde factions after things went sour w/ the alliance, and while the orcs and trolls were like idk about this guys, the tauren took them like like they were rain-soaked kittens sitting out in the cold, and I think it's in part because of their lack of history together, unlike the orcs and trolls who have quite a bit.

so after the tauren vouch for them and shit and thrall decides "ok let's give them a chance at least," this is where shit actually starts w/ sylvanas personally, because before everything was through emissaries and amabassadors etc. again this is where thrall's sort of paying it forward w/ respect and kindness come in, because I feel like when sylvanas came to meet everybody for the first time (probably when the forsaken were formally joining the horde) she showed up wary and w/ her own prejudices to deal w/ and preemptively pissed off because lmao alright let's see if this turns into a trainwreck like the last couple of things did, lookin @ u garithos

and she's kind of disarmed when thrall greets her like an equal and w/ the utmost respect and courtesy because ???? what the fuck. how the fuck is an orc respectful. what the shit. and honestly like, she wasn't really expecting much from orgrimmar- like she was expecting a city?? but not one this big and functional and holy shit, they worked fast. so everybody sits down in grommash hold and cairne pulls out her chair for her n shit and honestly it's just really nice just to be treated like a person?? it's been a really long time, holy shit. she's like, kind of baffled that it's coming from people who were her fuckin enemies like maybe a year ago, but like, fuck okay I guess this works. like they were the only ones who said "yeah okay let's be allies" so she don't really got a choice but like. this isn't actually all that bad. like it's wayyyy better than she was expecting it to turn out. like obviously she's not gonna call them friends, at least not immediately, but, friends are kind of hard for her nowadays, and being disarmed w/ this sort of kindness & respect really helps. like her friendship w/ thrall won't ever get particularly close, and their friendship probably mostly develops through being "work friends", but she does get to a point where she does actually consider them friends, and that's like, really big for her tbh. like she doesn't have to be on edge around him, she can just chill and it's okay. anyway sylvanas is also ride-or-die, because that's. kind of just how she does it, and kind of how the horde does it, so even tho like, she doesn't get particularly close w/ anybody at this point, she's still willing to do a hell of a lot of shit for the people that actually fucking took in the forsaken.

cairne she probably warms up to soon after thrall, because cairne and her don't really have any underlying history that would prevent them from trusting each other, and it's the tauren who said the forsaken weren't monsters first, that they're just people who got really really unlucky and need some help getting better. cairne again is another work friend, p much, but things are never really awkward between them in the way it can sometimes get w/ thrall and vol'jin. he's very sweet to her, in the way that nice old grandpas are, and tbh she really missed this sort of treatment/interaction. honestly? I think she'd actually be better friends, like actually-friends-outside-of-work friends, w/ baine. baine and her have a little more in common, I think; they both work hard, and they're both kinda quiet, usually, and I think that superrrr later one, like when sylvanas becomes warchief, she's really glad to have baine at her back, because he's super steadfast and loyal and is actually straightforward w/ her and as a general rule.

vol'jin and her interactions are interesting though, because trolls and elves have a list of grievances w/ each other a mile long, but again like, atp, the forsaken and the darkspear have a hell of a lot in common. both got chased out of their previous factions, both sort of fit that niche of sarcastic, violent misfit, and neither shy away from older, darker magics. they're not really friends for a while and mostly just put up w/ each other for the sake of the horde, but their interactions are interesting b/c they don't really have a reason to put up w/ each other, let alone like each other, outside of this. so they're sort of lowkey antagonistic w/ each other but they're not really picking fights so much as seeing how far they can go w/ each other before they hit the wall, the wall being accidentally poking a little too hard at a weak point, or thrall or cairne catching wise to their antics and telling them to stop. it becomes sort of a game for them, and it's actually fun for them, since they're weird fuckers that enjoy being mean for fun and this is a way they can actually do that without lasting consequences. like they do this b/c they're testing each other, keeping the other on their toes, and while thrall might wish they got along better or cairne rolls his eyes at them, they wouldn't have it any other way. this friendship works for them, and it should be noted that after a certain point they don't take too kindly to people joining their game. I can imagine that, further down the line when it's garrosh in charge and she and vol'jin are pissed at thrall for leaving them, garrosh tries to shit on one of them and the other is just Not Fucking Having It. like they pick on each other and it's okay because obviously they're still gonna put up w/ each other, but garrosh picks on them and fucking means it, and that's not okay.

honestly I could keep going w/ the other horde leaders, like lor'themar and gallywix and ji and baine etc. but uhhh I think I've gone on long enough lmao