#but dont interact with it because you wont achieve anything

[surrowndedbylights]

Now that my country (finally) decided to vote for marriage and adoption equality, I have to share my thoughts because I've been keeping them for too long.

This is going to be a long post so if you want to see more it's under the cut.

This has been such a huge debate for a while now, and I was always so mad about it. If you are lgbtq+ and have been in a similar situation, you probably know how it feels, but if you're not, I'll try to explain. Having literally everyone talking about my life and my rights, when they don't even have the slightest knowledge of what queer people have gone through in order to have equal rights around the world and it seemed so crazy to them that we would want it too. Even the church had an opinion when it has literally NOTHING to do with them. We are talking about political decisions about civil marriage. Your opinion is very much not needed, especially if its aim is to spread hatred towards a community that has suffered so much and the last thing we want is people with zero knowledge going around and preaching that we don't deserve to exist and have our basic human rights. We have the government to decide about laws and stuff, this is not theocracy for fuck's sake. There were also a lot of politicians talking shit about us, as if we are some kind of animals, but since they are part of the parliament, I was prepared for it and sucked it up.

Children adoption has also been on the table in these past months, and of course, everyone would have an opinion about it too. Basically, the only thing they could say to justify their bigotry was "You'll ruin the traditional family." I mean, if their perception of a 'traditional' family is couples who have children just because they can have them, but end up neglecting, abusing or abandoning them, then yes, I would very gladly ruin it. If there are families who abandon their kids in institutions, then there should also be families who are willing to take said kids in, no matter if they are gay or straight. And gay people don't have many choices. They can't reproduce like straight couples do. So, when a couple is relying on adoption to start their own family, then why would they not have that option? "Children need a mother and a father!" Children need someone who can take proper care of them and give them love. There are kids that grew up in such families, and they are no different than kids with straight parents. There are also those who grow up with only one parent, and they still turn out fine. It doesn't have to do with genders. You are just being homophobic. And no, they are not going to become gay because of that. Most of us grew up in straight environments, and yet we are not straight. But even if they do turn out to be queer, then they will know that their parents accept them and they won't have to spend their teenage years pretending to be someone else because they are afraid to be kicked out and whatnot.

I'm tired of everyone having a say in what I do. Queer people are not pawns in some game. To some, it may seem shocking, but we are still humans who have needs and rights. The fact that this was such a huge topic when it should go without saying. There are people who had to move to another country in order to marry their partners. We watched for so long, happy married couples in other countries. We were anxiously waiting for this decision to be made because we want to have equality. But, of course, according to some people, we are just sick and entitled and want to take over the world and destroy it. If you really believe this, then I'm sorry you're sad since yesterday. Learn how to get over it now 😘

[grgie]

I posted 1,266 times in 2022

That's 166 more posts than 2021!

59 posts created (5%)

1,207 posts reblogged (95%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@dingdongyouarewrong

@deathbyfiction

@colemckenzies

@spyderverse

@leaf-is-tired

I tagged 356 of my posts in 2022

#helena talks to the void - 29 posts

#goncharov - 16 posts

#helena speaks to people - 15 posts

#unreality - 12 posts

#knife gang - 12 posts

#taz duck - 5 posts

#work things - 4 posts

#my posts - 4 posts

#hmm - 3 posts

#tagged - 3 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#he is also slightly blue bc i once got bright blue bedsheets without washing them first and they stained everything (including my skin) blue

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

i never give customers my name at work whenever they ask for it, not because i dont want them to use it to report me to my managers (although thats a bonus) but because of the fae. "can i have your name?" no :) nice try tho you tricky bastards

13 notes - Posted September 16, 2022

#4

uglystudies → grgie

url change!! i now track #grgie (although i'll still keep an eye on the uglystudies tag too, i just wont be reblogging study content to this blog anymore)

19 notes - Posted August 6, 2022

#3

my friend knows nothing about the dsmp or dream and george and is trying to put the pieces together through twitter

23 notes - Posted October 4, 2022

#2

a lil timelapse of me finishing and submitting my dissertation (32 minutes before the deadline) but i realised that this is likely the last study post i'll ever make (not that i was ever regularly posting lol) so its a little bittersweet! ive had this studyblr since 2015 (seven years holy shit thats a long time) and i do think its been an incredibly important part of my life, for better or worse. i started this blog in an attempt to hold myself more accountable whilst studying for my gcses and i think for most part it was helpful (ignoring 2016/17 studyblr... muji and overexposing our pictures really had a grip on us huh) despite the weirdly large number of asks i got from people telling me that i shouldnt do 5 a-levels (i did 5 and i aced all of them. suck it. AND i did an epq as well! extra suck it!)

apparently theres 15k of you, which i simply do not think is true (i imagine the vast majority of my followers are made up of long abandoned studyblrs) but for those of you who continue to stick around and like my silly little posts, even if we don't interact, ur huge and i appreciate u. ive made some many wonderful (and hopefully lifelong) friends as a result of studyblr and genuinely wouldnt change it for the world :')

i've mentioned this in the tags of a post recently but im going to change my url soon to a non study related one because im not studying anymore lol, but dw im not deleting this blog or anything, this blog has always been very loosely defined as a studyblr so you can expect plenty more dracula daily memes in the near future

also yikes that is not the most flattering angle lmao

44 notes - Posted May 24, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

[getting validation from mutuals about my spotify wrapped songs]: ah yes, i am winning in being a good mutual with good music taste, something both normal and possible to achieve

172 notes - Posted November 30, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[narryffdreaming]

Hey Dani! I saw your post about how invasive fans can be and I can't stop thinking about it since I read it. It's something I think about every time I post something in here because many times I use content that it's not from shows or harry's IG (you know photos we get from fans that met him or pap pics or things other people say about him etc.) Every single time I post, there is a thought that pops up immediately in my mind: "Is this disrespectful?" and when I decide to post it after all it's because I'm telling myself that I don't post about him because I see him as a content but because I want to express the admiration I have for him and also because it's a way to distract myself from things that makes me anxious (I mean it makes happy talking about him). Although I know that I'm trying always to be respectful (and I think I have achieved it, at least at most parts), the thing you said it's always a thought that comes to my mind when I do something that involves him. And that's why I feel so at ease when he is not working and we don't get any photo or whatever. Because sometimes we crave to see him and get glimpse of his life but that's selfish. He doesn't own us anything.

hellooooo <3 i completely get being here and posting things because we want to distract ourselves from reality (things that make us anxious, sad, etc), and i dont want to come across as someone who's above any of that. after all, here i am, writing fanfic and posting about how much i love harrys arms lol (btw, i also have internal dilemmas when it comes to my stories, i just wont get into that rn bc I'll end up losing track of my thoughts and never stop talking hehe).

SO YEAH, that all being said, im gonna answer your ask in the only way i can right now, which is reading """between the lines""" of what you wrote—but pls keep in mind that my brain is exhausted so take this in a gentle way <3 first, from my perspective, i think that if you have to CONVINCE yourself that what you're doing (whatever that is) isn't disrespectful to others because it brings YOU joy, then that's already enough to show that deep down you already know something is off and maybe, just maybeeeeee (bc im speaking in general not just about this situation), that it isnt the case. and second, are you really showing admiration for him if you're posting pictures he didn't consent? if you're posting pictures that are invading his privacy or that were taken when he wasn't aware of someone even watching him? arent there better ways to show admiration than to share/spread pictures of him trying to live his "normal" life? i get wanting to distract yourself from reality, i do!! i just think there are a million things there could be posted instead of these pictures/videos that are taken in a context where he isn't being treated like a human being. let's go back to old shows. let's go back to his instagram posts. lets go back to his interviews. his music videos. his movies. his outfits.... idk!! is it repetitive? well... yeah. but it is what it is. it is what we have until he's willing and ready to share more 🤷‍♀️

at the end of the day, engaging or not with that kind of content is a choice. and yes, whether we like to admit it or not, pictures and videos of him are content. content to feed your blog. content so people interact with your posts. so people engage, follow, etc, etc.. and it is my choice not to post or reblog that kind of content, and sometimes i have to ignore the urge to make an exception bc he looks so cute or so hot or whatever in one specific picture. i have to actively choose not to engage, and i do it bc i believe he deserves better than that. and bc i believe that my own entertainment or distraction arent above his personal space or boundaries or whatever. do i wish he would post 24/7 and let me in in his life? YES. do i wish i could know everything he does and stare at his beautiful face everyday? YES. is that healthy? probably not!! lmao. should i fulfill my wishes no matter what? HELL NO.

so yeah, i dont own the truth and i dont want to make anyone feel bad or anything, but i feel like we're the ones encouraging this behavior around him—we aka his own fans. so i do think it's also up to us to point out when it's too much or when we are crossing lines. not with hate or canceling people or embarrassing anyone... just bringing up the conversation and encouraging people to think about it, so maybe they'll eventually see things in a different way.

OKAY I'LL STOP NOW but thank you for sending this 💕 i tried my best to choose the correct words but im so tired that maybe i didnt and just know that i meant all this in the nicest possible way! <333

[boypussydilf]

for the ask game you rb’d from yourself, joker and futaba?

HEH. GOOD MORNING TOWNSVILLE READY TO HEAR ME TALK ABOUT MY FAVES MY BESTIES AGAIN. idont know when imgonna be posting this it probably wont be morning. but you know

describe their canon relationship/dynamic

futaba sakura & the person who Saved Her…. futaba saved herself but she would not have had the chance to get there without the phantom thieves. because p5 is a little bit about how you need human connection & friendships & the support of others, to keep you going, to get you through difficulties. futaba needed the phantom thieves because she couldnt get out of the terrible mental place she was in on her Own & she treasures their help so much & Especially. Akira. akira, her beloved human meat shield, the guy who does the talking to strangers in target for her, someone she can trust to push her just enough that its good for her and not overwhelming. her Key Item <3 and he is dedicated to helping her out, usually in the form of standing between her & an intimidating person, and helping her achieve her goals, and telling her what a good job she is doing

your ideal/headcanon version of it? how does it differ from how it is in canon & why is this your favorite version? any other alternate versions of it you enjoy?

ok i say “theyre siblings” A LOT about characters. I throw the concept around a bit lightly. With Akira & Futaba my full force is behind it. I mean it the same way i mean it with characters who are actually canonically part of the same family. like they are Speedrunning the traditional sibling experience.

They’re literally the PERFECT annoying older brother & annoying little sister duo. They aren’t actually capable of annoying Each Other, but they try it anyway, and their combo damage when they team up to annoy someone else? Outstanding. You wont sleep for a week knowing these 2 teens could be anywhere waiting to bully and prank you.

They are INSEPARABLE <3 not literally. akira does lots of things without futaba & one of futabas Goals is to have the ability to go outside and do new things and interact with new people Without having akira with her. but like. They bonded & now they cannot conceive of their lives without each other. They will never stop being friends because they are like actual siblings to each other. They’re stuck together for life.

basically the version of them from my mind is like them from canon but if akira wasnt a silent protagonist so he got to do more… they bully each other but they also hype each other up a bunch… they collaborate to tease sojiro and shout about curry… theyre a fambly. and they are the autism creature together. sound of akira teaching futaba Brand New Coping Mechanisms For Existing In The World. theyre so. i love them so much.

what do you like about their relationship, why is it interesting or enjoyable to you?

As some of my other responses have shown I just really like sibling relationships i thimk they’re neat <3 and i like futaba a lot. and i like akira a lot. and i. *starts crying* Family……. they warm my little heart

what about the individual characters involved? what does this relationship mean to them, what makes it unique among their relationships?

again!!! futaba has a lot of trust in the phantom thieves and gratitude to them for helping her when she couldn’t do it on her own and it goes extra for akira bc hes also the perfect person to go to for just like. all the stuff she needs. stand near me at the store so i feel like im not on my own. hold me to the promises i made & things i want to achieve. and futaba hasnt HAD. close friends in person. in quite a while. so this is so IMPORTANT and GOOD for her.

Akira receives: A little sister. no but for real … the sakura family … we dont like. know anything at all abt akiras actually family but no matter what, like, it is so fuckign good for him that he just gets adopted into this family like this. *slams my fist against the table* as is the case with ALL of the phantom thieves because its the whole POINT, at the beginning of the game akira is without a place where he feels like he BELONGS and the phantom thieves become this for each other overall but it hits different with like. this is his Family now. futaba is his sibling now. sojiro is stuck with these kids now. leblanc is . like. His Home. he has that now. he has Them !!!!!!

favorite interaction they have in canon

oh god i dont know umm. futabas whole confidant is good but idont know that it has any Stand Out Sakura Siblings Moments. maybe um. the scene from sojiros confidant where akira steps in front of futaba to protect her. yeah…………….

favorite interaction they have in your head/a situation you want to put them in

they hang out at the sakura house while sojiro is @ leblanc so they can play world is mine and the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny at max volume. they pester sojiro (ongoing). they annoy so many people together (just imagine. akira futaba and sumi ALL teaming up to bully akechi together. he would evaporate) also see: the ongoing concept from my brain that ive talked about multiple times before thats just. i think itd be really funny if they start talking about themselves & each other to strangers as if theyre literal blood related siblings who grew up together and did not meet for the first time in their teens. okaaaay i guess thats all i just want to see them hang out i love them. thank you <3

[uwumessenger]

i love love LOVE ur page pls do rfa and maybe v, saeran, and rika if they were exchange students at rad? 😏

ilysm THANK U :( <3 i love making mmxom! stuff ngl. also, love ur avi :')

for the sake of this let's throw the idea of religion out the window KCJSKDJSKSK bc most of the mm characters are canonically religious and that would make this post a tad more boring...or chaotic. idk

btw i dont usually write for rika but this is an exception ! ;)

zen

when zen wakes up and sees the demon brothers plus diavolo and barbatos, it takes him a minute to process what's in front of him

he would try to go back to the human world so many times...poor bb

since zen is going to be there over the course of a year he would eventually begin to butt heads with asmo. they would not get along...

he'd hate lucifer from the start bc lucifer reminds him of jumin. got along with satan until cats were brought up

irritated by mammon and levi, though he is secretly fond of levi bc levi reminds him of yoosung in a way

is fine with beel, doesnt have many issues with him but is constantly concerned for his skin. totally jealous of beel's body.

diavolo also reminds zen of jumin in a way, but like, if jumin was more likeable.

likes luke and simeon a lot! thinks solomon was brought to freak him out because solomon lowkey resembles zen. like...super lowkey...

hates that it's night all the time

if any of the brothers flirt with him, he'll immediately shoot them down. he's not interested. would never date someone who could outlive and overpower him

visits belphie in the attic once then never returns. he knows a thing or two because he's seen a thing or two

yoosung

yoosung is screaming and crying so much diavolo actually considers sending him back to the human world.

literally, the entire first day is yoosung BAWLING and swatting the brothers away like flies

eventually he warms up to levi, and levi only. he befriends luke and simeon too, but is suspicious of solomon. doesnt like barbatos bc he thinks he's like jihyun...

doesnt visit belphie in the attic, period. he shits bricks when he sees lucifer so if lucifer says not to go up to the attic, yoosung obeys

even if the brothers start flirting, yoosung would never notice. he's way too oblivious! he becomes more like family, because he kinda resonates with them and the whole lilith thing.

but he actually has a fairly good time. may or may not turn into a cult leader like his dear cousin afterward, though...

jaehee

simply accepts her fate and agrees to spend the year in devildom

tells lucifer all about jumin...then comes to learn that lucifer is actually more like her and v?

she and satan get along well, but she befriends barbatos and spends most of her time with him and luke instead. baking and bonding over being pushed around by their bosses :')

helps diavolo with some of his work and gives him a lot of pointers for organization!

she would not like mammon. he reminds her of elizabeth the third.

one of the few who actually helps belphie out of the attic ! except when belphie tries to kill her, she'd fight him. and win. ur not allowed to disagree teehee

she most likely wouldnt pursue any romantic relationships with anyone bc she simply isnt interested in any of them HAHAHA

after the program ends she'd be one of the few who actually keep in touch with everyone, and would follow the canon storyline (minus all romantic interactions).

jumin

caught off guard bc wtf? is that....his twin?

the whole room is distracted bc of how much jumin and lucifer resemble one another, at least physically

hates every second of it and makes it very clear

although he likes talking with satan, and diavolo and barbatos

gives belphie some kind of inspirational asshole speech...doesnt help him out of the attic at all

jumin would actually come up with an escape plan and it'd be flawless. he would actually successfully escape back to the human world at least once

but the others have like, powers and shit so they can easily bring him back

would ghost everyone after the end, especially solomon

saeyoung

he thinks hes in a coma. doesnt believe it's real at all

when he does realize it's real, it's too late, he's being killed by belphie JCJZMXJSM

after hes brought back he warms up to everyone a bit more and is much more respectful of the environment.

he likes levi the most because when hes with him it's like hes with yoosung again! introduces levi to LOLOL, and they actually get to play with yoosung online every now and then

unfortunately for the obey me men, none of them are saeyoung's type. he does like that everyone is swooning over him tho

he warns all of them to keep things lowkey because of his hacker job, and says that it's too dangerous for them to visit him in the human world

before he leaves he gifts everyone some kind of gadget as a way to remember him. gives the whole im-dangerous-man speech, then disappears, never to be seen by them again.

saeran

so we're talking saeran as in good ending saeran, right? because this mf is getting sent straight back to the human world if it was suit saeran 💀✋🏻

and if it was only ray, he'd be crying the whole time. poor kid.

anyway he totally lets belphie out of the attic. naturally, belphie reminds him of himself, so he tries to help.

i think after everything settles down saeran would warm up to beel and belphie the most because their dynamic reminds him of his and saeyoung's. he easily relates to belphie and all of belphie's issues, and wants to help him through it!

like his brother, saeran is uninterested in everyone romantically because none of them are his type. he may or may not have had a fling with satan, but satan was giving off too much rika vibes /:

keeps in touch with them and will help them when they visit the human world

v

v is similar to jaehee where he simply accepts the situation at hand

v and solomon would be really good friends omg CAN YOU IMAGINE????

two old men just cracking jokes and cooking poisonous food!

he is the only person who is immune to solomon's cooking.

helps belphie out of the attic. somehow doesnt allow himself to nearly get killed tho

mammon accidentally becomes his therapist...! and everybody except for belphie thinks he should break up w rika

v might have a fat crush on asmo...or maybe even diavolo. but wont touch asmo bc his bff is solomon. pursues diavolo on the down low

rika

oh gosh...she'd get sent straight back to the human world.

if you want someone who will help create peace among the three realms, you are not going to achieve anything with rika.

if she did manage to stay back, though, she'd probably be able to weave her way into levi's heart

she gets along well with satan

when it comes to the whole belphie thing? oh no. OH. NO.

this mf would probably help belphie kill off the entire human population 😭 the whole obey me storyline would flip upside down and they'd start another war

interesting concept ngl

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

im new to this thing so im humbly sorry if i miss out on a warning or do smth wrong

tw: family issues, anxiety, fear of failure, pessimism

so im a school student, and i have to appear for an entrance examination to enter a university; i aspire to be a med kid. and the uni is of my dreams, like i know i can do it, i just need to work hard and keep myself motivated.

so in the beginning of the session this yr which is my last school yr i felt really motivated and optimistic. that was also around the time i started following an american music artist.

im currently living with my parents and i usually dont hide stuff like this from them so it was natural that when i started following that artist they got to know about them to. and i felt really motivated by the artist's life story and they also truly made me very happy with all their interviews or live videos or anything. but like, my father, has always been very protective for me so after about a month of following that artist he lashed out on me and telling me stuff like im distracted now and i wont be able to make it. it hurt but at that time, we sorted it out the next day and it was in the past then.

but in the next few months it happened more times, he wouldnt exactly say the same things but he would just go off on why im following the said artist and make me feel worthless of my decisions.. he never likes to talk about my interests and it really hurts

and i tend to overpressurize myself bc i really really dont want the chance to be in my dream uni slip away and its just a life turning point for me, partly also because my parents have are the strict kinda ones so i really wanna break free from them and getting into this uni has been my dream since i was 6

but my optimism is gone and when i started following the artist i was scoring better than ever but now ive just lost all hope and idk how to get it back

i think im just looking for some hope and/or reassurance because its really hard for me to focus on anythning and i dont know how to get through all these months i have left and i still have to work hard and i really really want to but i dont know how to

and im not sure but according to some videos that i watched i think i have anxiety

also, in no way im trying to portray my dad as a bad parent/person but im just upset over our interaction regarding the topic

thank u so much for your time and assistance on this! <3

Hey anon,

I feel for you. Sometimes people who have good intentions and want what's best for you make it difficult for you to achieve things.

You have great aspirations and I know you can achieve them. I'm sorry that you're not getting support in the way that you need or that would be helpful to you.

It definitely hurts when the people we love, and especially our parents, don't want to talk about our interests. It makes us feel like they don't care about us and that our interests are not worth caring about. That hurts. It's not true, though. Your interests are worth caring about, and so are you.

It's possible that you're not getting the same boost of hope and optimism that you felt when you first started getting into this artist because someone you care about (your dad) is making you feel bad about liking the artist/talking about them/interacting with their content. When people shame us or aren't supportive of our interests, we don't tend to get as excited about them as we did before we were rebuffed. Try to remember that you're okay to like this artist and you're not lacking motivation because you're into them, or any other media.

Sometimes our parents can get worried that we're struggling, and instead of talking to us with care and curiosity, they react through their fear. That is not a reflection of you.

It's okay that you're struggling. You have a lot of pressure on you. It would be easier to succeed without this pressure, so try to balance it out. Give yourself extra love and care! You're doing something difficult and admirable, go easy on yourself. Do what you can and congratulate yourself for what you've accomplished.

Take care!

- Mod Misa

[rowaning]

The Complete Fiction of HP Lovecraft rated by me, someone who read them all* but has a terrible memory

The Beast in The Cave: uh a guy goes on a cave tour and finds a creature that was like a human that got lost and adapted to its surroundings. 0/10 just because im pretty sure there was another one with this exact premise and neither of them were memorable at all.

The Alchemist: dude achieves immortality and lives in the narrators basement and has pledged to murder his entire lineage or something. 4/10 the alchemy stuff was actually kind of interesting

The Tomb: im pretty sure this is the one where a guy starts hanging out in a tomb and like travels back in time/becomes one of his ancestors? 5/10 if its the one im thinking of i did enjoy reading it

Dagon: guy lands on a mysterious island with signs of a long dead civilization. 1/10 i do not remember what happened in it

A Reminiscence of Dr. Samuel Johnson: 0/10 i have no memory of this

Polaris: also 0/10 i forgot all about it

Beyond the Wall of Sleep: could be any of the dream focused ones. if its the one about the dude sailing into the void or whatever than 4/10 not too bad

Memory: ironically, i dont remember it. 0/10

Old Bugs: 1/10 for the title god i wish i remembered this one

The Transition of Juan Romero: i got nothing. 0/10

The White Ship: this might also be the one about the dude sailing into the void? i liked that one he lived in a lighthouse and boarded a dream ship and just fucking left it was fun. 4/10

The Street: uh i think really steep street that didnt actually exist. 3/10

The Doom that Came to Sarnath: i wanna say another one of the dream centered ones where a town discovers some old relics and blatantly disrespects them and gets exactly whats coming to it. 5/10 they deserved what they got

The Statement of Randolph Carter: ok this dude shows up several times. i think this one is about how he returns to his childhood home then travels back in time and creates a time loop paradox thing. 1/10 meh

The Terrible Old Man: uh some thieves harrass a weird old guy and get got. 5/10

The Cats of Ulthar: someone is mean to a cat in a dream city, all of the rest of the cats get revenge and are revered for the rest of time. 2/10 (-3 because lovecraft has a specific name he gives to apparently every fictional and real cat he encounters and wow i wish he hadn't)

The Tree: i feel like this is something to do with a person becoming a tree but i cant actually remember. 0/10

Celephais: yeah no i got nothing 0/10

The Picture in the House: also nothing 0/10

The Temple: nope 0/10

Facts Concerning the Late Arthur Jermyn and his Family: is this the one where the dude's great grandfather married an ape? i dont think so but im not sure. 0/10, -5/10 if it is that one cause that one was especially shitty

From Beyond: nope 0/10

Nyarlathotep: charismatic dude shows up and is like get in bitches we're going to the void. i love nyarlathotep cause hes the one who directly interacts with humanity and like wears a human suit or whatever so hes just some dude whos like hey im gonna feed you to azathoth 5/0

The Quest of Iranon: got nothing 0/10

The Music of Erich Zann: narrator makes friends with an old musician whos being hunted by supernatural forces. 2/10 because i remember it but it was just ok

Ex Oblivione: 1/10 for the title but i have no clue what it was about

Sweet Ermengarde: lovecraft's sole attempt at comedy. not to my taste like at all 0/10

The Nameless city: nope 0/10

The Outsider: also nope 0/10

The Moon-Bog: sounds cool, dont remember it. 0/10

The Other Gods: dude tries to find the gods of humanity where they live on a big mountain, actually finds them, is immediately smited by the Other Gods who protect the gods of humanity. 3/10 he deserved it

Azathoth: dont recall, 0/10

Herbert West- Reanimator: Arkham man Herbert West and his assistant ressurect the dead with little thought to the consequences, then get murdered by a band of said resurrected dead. 5/10

Hypnos: nope 0/10

What the Moon Brings: also nope 0/10

The Hound: still nope 0/10

The Lurking Fear: again, nope 0/10

The Rats in the Walls: dude returns to his ancestral home, hears rats, excavates the basement and finds out that his ancestors ate human flesh, eats his friend. 1/10 it was an interesting read but can lovecraft please stop calling cats that.

The Unnameable: no clue 0/10

The Festival: nope 0/10

*Under the Pyramids: ok im pretty sure this is the one with houdini which is the only one i could not read. i went into this mentally prepared for lovecraft's bigotry but i was not mentally prepared for him dropping harry houdini, avid skeptic who absolutely would have beat the shit out of him for this, into the middle of his super racist paranormal horror. -1000/10

The Shunned House: nope 0/10

The Horror at Red Hook: also nope 0/10

He: cool title, no memory of the story. 0/10

In the Vault: wow im bad at this. 0/10

Cool Air: still no 0/10

The Call of Cthulhu: kind of all over the place, there was a thing about artists and then a thing about a cop investigating a cult. 3/10 meh but ill give it a bonus for being a staple of horror fiction.

Pickman's Model: uh artist sees some wild shit and draws it and then it eats him. 2/10 i forget the details

The Strange High House in the Mist: if this is the one im thinking of, dude does a dangerous climb to find a mysterious house and meet the inhabitant who is kind of interdimensional and also being hunted by interdimensional things. also maybe the house eats people? 2/10

The Silver Key: another Randolph Carter one, and i think this is actually the one about him travelling back in time so idk what the other one was. 3/10

The Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath: randolph carter goes on a quest in the dream world to find the gods of humanity and ask why they wont let him check out this cool city he can see from his window. lots of action and very wordy and went a lot of different places. 4/10 good read but extremely xenophobic

The Case of Charles Dexter Ward: guy investigates his ancestor who looks disturbingly like him, ancestor comes back to life and kills him and takes his place and a bunch of other stuff happens. mostly a dramatized genealogical study. 3/10 not bad, very suspenseful

The Colour Out Of Space: meteor lands on a farm, scientists get weirded out by it, everything in the area gets weird then dead, alien thing gets enough power from draining nearby life-forms to escape earth. fun twist ending. 4/10 bonus for being one of the better ones, detraction for writing out a 'rural accent'

The Descendant: nope, 0/10

The Very Old Folk: nope again, 0/10

History of the Necronomicon: very dry. fake history of lovecraft's fake book thats super important to a lot of the stories. 0/10

The Dunwich Horror: isolated witchy family has a kid who no one likes that grows up real fast. graphic descriptions of renovation. a horror gets unleashed on the area and the local folklore scholars have to deal with it. 1/10 nothing good enough to counter the xenophobia

Ibid: i remember this one. no idea what it's deal was. pseudo-bibliography? it was weird. 0/10

The Whisperer in Darkness: guy has a correspondance with another guy about local folk legends based on evil crab things. other guy gets straight up replaced by an evil crab thing and first guy doesnt even notice. imagine if you followed up on a scam email and didnt realize anything was up until you saw that the face of the dude you were talking to in person was a mask. 4/10 for the comedy this guy would not last in the internet age at all

At The Mountains of Madness: guy whines about penguins and how awful it would be if there were civilizations that predated humanity. also commits grave desecration. i get hit by the realization that if lovecraft was less of a racist coward he wouldve made a great speculative sci fi author. 3/10 i would love to watch that old asshole get absolutely torn to shreds by the monster fucker community

The Shadow over Innsmouth: Fish People! Leave Them Alone! Or Else! 5/10 the protagonist gets to live the dream by escaping human society and becoming an immortal fish person

The Dreams in the Witch House: dude rents an objectively haunted room, doesnt listen to people trying to help him, gets murdered by a weird rat. later they find a shit ton of bones in the attic. 2/10 meh

Through The Gates of the Silver Key: Randolph Carter transcends time and space, then de-transcends time and space and immediately gets stuck on another planet in the distant past, makes a long and difficult journey back to earth to find that his estate is being divided amongst his heirs. the comedy potential of a man stuck in an alien body dealing with a legal system that has declared him dead is not examined. 2/10

The Thing on the Doorstep: narrator's good friend marries a fish person witch who steals his body. thats basically it. 3/10. at this point im like wow these narrators really refuse to believe the heavily foreshadowed supernatural explanations that turn out to be correct huh.

The Evil Clergyman: dude is in a room. some ghosts (?) show up. dude has a UV light for some reason. Gets his face stolen i guess and just has to live with it. 5/10 for being absolutely buck wild and refusing to explain anything

The Book: nope 0/10

The Shadow Out Of Time: dude gets his body stolen by ancient scholar species. agonizes about it for a while. finds archaeological evidence of said species. finds a book he wrote while living with said species. almost gets eaten by something. 3/10 more cool speculative sci fi but lame protagonist

The Haunter of the Dark: you'd think id remember it bc this was the last one and i read it last night. oh wait, nvm i do remember it. dude finds an old box in a run down culty church and unleashes a horror that then comes and fucks him up. 1/10 meh.

[normal-thoughts-official]

Ok a more specific prompt, coffee shop au with Malec and claia 😌

this is nowhere near specific and you damn well know it, anon. i appreciate u trying to find an excuse to throw coffee shop aus everywhere, tho. keep doing the lord's work even if i will inevitably twist the prompt

Magnus works at a small, local coffee shop as a barista. It's not exactly his #1 job choice, but it pays better than big chain coffee shops and he needs that to pay rent now that he officially left his abusive father's home for good. Also, he is kind of a coffee enthusiast and the owner, Ragnor, lets him go wild with making up new drinks and ingredients, as long as he still does his job.

All in all it's a good job and he considers the old fart and the other barista, maia, to be like family. Ragnor frequently gives them coffee and Maia constantly teases him about being a "coffee scientist" whenever she catches him thoughtfully drinking from a cup and scribbling notes on his notepad, like some ancient being

His recipes are good, though, and he knows exactly where to get the best coffee beans for the best price. So their drinks are good, affordable, and can please everyone from the traditional "black coffee no sugar" exec to the teenager who wants more of a milkshake than actual coffee

As a result, the shop thrives, gets more popular, and gets more clients. So Ragnor decides to hire a new barista to help. Because he's secretly a sweetheart, he ends up hiring this broke college kid who just moved into town to get away from his kinda toxic family and has nowhere to go - and also doesnt have a single ounce of experience as a barista

It's not surprising; both Magnus and Maia share similar stories, with some abusive exes to spice up the mix, not to mention racism, biphobia, and, in Magnus case, male behavior standarts keeping most opportunities closed for them. So they're cool with that. Even if it means Magnus will have to be the one to teach him, because 1- Ragnor is a dick and assigned him to be Alec's special "tutor" as retribution for Magnus calling him "an old, heart of butter bastard"; 2- he's the one who's best qualified to teach him since he knows a lot about coffee and coffee making anyway; 3- Maia has no patience

Quick detour just to say that i love the maia/magnus brotp opportunities this gives. While Magnus is more of a coffee scientist as she puts it, Maia has an almost instictive understanding of drink making. Where Magnus is soft, she's fierce, and they make one hell of a team and are good at balancing one another. They bond over their experiences with abuse; while Magnus' has made him afraid to put his foot down and say what he wants and prioritize himself, Maia's has made her particularly wary of people and even less willing to take anyone's bullshit, and both of these coping mechanisms have their own effects on their psyche, and they're able to talk openly to each other about it. Maia is kind of protective of Magnus and vice-versa, though the way they protect each other is very different. They have an easy companionship and bantering dynamic that's easygoing and cute, theyre both passionate about their interests (Maia loves marine biology and even if Magnus doesnt know much about it he loves listening to her talk about it) and just generally have that kind of relationship where just smiling at each other makes a tough day seem lighter. Also Magnus loves making Maia laugh. Maia blatantly refuses to laugh at any of his self-deprecating jokes, tho, which has considerably diminished the amount of times he makes them

Anyway Alec comes in for his first day and Magnus is like [REDACTED] because shit this man is cute. Maia notices immediately and from then on the teasing doesn't stop

He's quick to recover, tho, and suddenly he's all smooth again (Maia says he's perfected his customer service persona to horror movie levels), quick to introduce himself and Maia to Alec and explain that he'll be training Alec for the next few weeks or so. He gives him a tour of the shop, explains the basics, and immediately launches into his slightly extra More Serious Than Strictly Necessary course on the makings and workings of coffee, from bean selection to ideal temperature and the chemistry behind the cooking.

This absolute dork even had a small table with some coffee made from different kinds of beans so Alec could taste them and learn the difference and Engage with the profession or some shit

Maia just rolls her eyes, thankful that she had prior experience before getting this job and didnt have to go through this

The first thing he learns about Alec: Alec doesn't like coffee. This is not a setback. Many people dont like coffee, but that's because they're used to regular powdered coffee instead of making it from the bean. Because the beans in powdered coffee arent previously selected, they are roasted harder than they should, so any beans that might have gone bad wont spoil the taste or make you sick. As a result, the coffee is way too bitter and doesn't have a discernible taste. He explains all of this enthusiastically to a slightly overwhelmed Alec, and gets on to making him try the samples so he can feel the difference.

Here's the second thing he learns about Alec: Alec doesn't feel the difference

Despair. Horror. Offense.

Alec even kind of chuckles and goes "sorry" at the face he makes, and a not-pouting Magnus goes on with the planned explanation on bean selection

Third thing he learns about Alec: he's a quick study. Everything he lacks in sensibility to the amazing world of bean juice, he makes up for in his careful attentiveness to the instructions. He is also a strict recipe-follower and makes sure he always uses the exact amounts required. He's an absolute perfectionist. He listens to Magnus' explanations on how to know if the taste is right, to look for color and texture of the mix. Magnus tries his simple coffees and only needs a few corrections to send him on the right path

The first time Alec makes him something more complicated to try (per his request) Magnus wants to die

It's so good

Scratch that, it's perfect

This soulless motherfucker doesn't even like coffee and this is the single best version of whatever crazy frapuccino shit they're making magnus has ever tried

He kind of bursts from the kitchen (?) all like MAIA YOU HAVE TO TRY THIS just in time to interrupt her chatting with this redhead new customer with shiny eyes. Maia is leaning all the way across the counter. What is this

Maia agrees that it's very good but again he's not as passionate about coffee and Magnus just interrupted what would have been a really smooth number-giving move so she's not feeling all that generous

Alec just laughs at that. His eyes are shining with amusement and he's very, very pleased that Magnus likes his stuff

It's not a big secret, really; mixing drinks is kind of like patisserie in the sense that the measures need to be exact to achieve the best taste and texture. He follows the recipe to a fault, it turns out good. That's why he's better at the more complicated, instagram-y drinks than the simple coffee types

Alec "graduates" his training pretty soon after that and Ragnor is very pleased

He gets along well with both Magnus and Maia, even if he's more quiet and sometimes catches himself just laughing at the two of them interact; their friendship is something else. But he also gets to hear a "shut up" from Maia after not saying absolutely anything when the redhead walks in again the very next day

The redhead always comes in a little late in the morning, so its always slow. As a result, they get to pretend to be minding their own business as they hear the two of them chat and oof is the romantic tension between them something. Maia glares at them once the girl - Clary - leaves every time, but it doesn't stop them

Soon Maia is calling them "no-good gossiping grandmas" because of the way Magnus and Alec will go to the back and pretend to be making something while they keep a whispered running commentary on what the girls are talking about. This quickly turns into some sort of race to see who can make the other break and laugh out loud. Neither of them ever do (they are trying to be discreet and Maia would kill them) but oftentimes they need to cover their mouths with their hands and playfully slap each other for the teasing

Clary doesn't even realize she's the reason; she kind of just thinks they are constantly flirting on the back and briefly wonders how they havent been fired when all they do is whisper and make eyes at each other

Not that she has any room to talk when she's late to work everyday because she keeps cracking jokes with the cute curly haired barista with the most beautiful lopsided smile who always makes her laugh and tells her about her day while she drinks her coffee. She's lucky her work starts at 10 so she can go in a little later and doesnt have to be there during rush hours, but still

She doesnt even like coffee, she walked in one day cuz she was really tired and then just kept coming in the hopes that the barista would make a move on her (shes not gonna do it herself, at least not in her workplace. She doesn't want to make her uncomfortable and it's still unclear whether the girl is flirting or if shes just really nice)

At some point she and Maia even start sharing knowing looks to Alec and Magnus and laughing at them. They don't even notice, because their designated Making Fun Of Maia time turned into just cracking jokes at each other way too quickly. They don't even remember there are other people there

Maia does finally ask clary out eventually. She wasn't exactly nervous about doing it, it's more that she enjoyed their little routine. But enough is enough, and when their routine starts involving Clary giving her a quick kiss before placing her order, well, it just makes it better

Magnus and Alec coo every time

Eventually Maia snaps all like "why are you guys the one poking fun at me when im the one who made a move instead of being a coward"

Magnus is all like "Whatever could she possibly mean??"

It dawns on him when hes closing up the next day and Alec has already left. He has a crush on Alec. Oh god. Oh fuck

Maia helpfully says "idiot" and leaves

Some Magnus being very nervous and overthinking his relationship with Alec who's all like ???????? about this

Alec goes to his sister about his new crush who suddenly started acting weird and izzy is all like "stop trying to guess what he's thinking because you're terrible at this. Just tell them how you feel" and Alec is like okay

He asks Magnus out

Everyone is happy and gay idk the end

✨ feel free to use this and any other one of my posts as a prompt ✨

[heads-in-the-clouds-spacecadet]

When asked to write a daily diary for anxiety management.

Here are a few days example....

Sunday 24th 

Mood/anxiety = numb. 

Additional meds =8mg of diazipam.

My whole body aches yet it shouldn't. My stomach is growling yet i feel physically sick. 

Things i ask myself....

Q.1 Will i leave my safe space, weighted blanket & mountain of pillows?

A.1 NO. 

Q.2 Will i manage my yoga routine

A.2 NO

Reasons....Why

I feel exhausted even though ive not been outside since Thursday. I just want the aching to subside the pain to leave. My jaw is clenched closed making eating an ordeal. I know this needs to be done. 

The dread of what passive aggressive message/s ill receive today either in person or written either way im struggling to motivate myself to move.

The Internet has been blocked for nearly a wk now. But i just let it slide as the saying goes choose your arguements "wifi is not the hill i want to die on" quote from TBBT. I hear Luke (my brother) is now in his bedroom and his door is closed. He has been banging around the house sending passive aggressive messages (sms) since 4am. My belongings that i left downstairs were thrown into my room. I'm nervous to leave my room till i know he is asleep. 

Flashback/negative thoughts....

1. How can my baby brother be an emotional manipulator. 

2. Last time i had to justify my everymove i was in Portugal in a very bad relationship. 

*****Ways im looking to excuse his behaviour. Find the cause to my sudden crash of low mood aka depression with a nice battle of anxiety.

---Logically i know its not the same. 

---Emotionally it hurts the same. 

The way he looks at me with disgust, resentment & impatience is the trigger. I realise this. How someone you love can make you feel this way. 

Solution: i decide to find a solution to the sudden conflict of money and i know there is a receipt in the car. I go to the normal place the keys are kept and theyre no where to be found. I look in all the obvious logical places they  could be and realise theyre hidden by my loving brother. His Reasons, 1-to stop me  buying shit (his words). 2. He has decided its his house, his car so therefore his rules. (Its all my mums btw)

As im downstairs i notice the kitchen is a mess. Pots all over from a feast Luke cooked up the night before. Or should i say 2am. 

So i feel defeated. Ive basically been cleaning non stop everytime i use a room as per gov guidelines and he just doesnt seem to comprehend the severity of the situation. 

I decide i need to eat. So i opt for Shreddies with Oat Milk (Luke has a serious milk allergy to the milk proteins in cows milk so im not fussed about milk and am happy to use alternatives) topped with vanilla soya yogurt, bannana, a few cranberries, 3 strawberries, sultanas and crushed Almonds. My logical brain is telling me eat well as we are not leaving the bedroom again unless desperate. 

I send a few messages to the family whats app (Luke refuses to be a part of this) and receive encouraging and support in return. Everyone is struggling in their own way so i appreciate having a small outlet between us all.

After food i sleep finally. 

Trying now to Ready myself for round 2 which i know is coming.

My mum calls i dont want to answer but i do. I explain the situation. She knows, she has dealt with his angry behaviour since he was 11yrs old. She stated she is coming to visit Tuesday as per new gov guidelines and we will meet in the park. She then asks me to pass the phone to Luke which i pointblank refuse. Im not ready for round 2 yet. Especially since he has his own phone he is just not answering making everyone worry about him but he just resents it. Its safe to say im proud i refused to do something. Gold star award ⭐

Monday 25th

Mood/Anxiety -  still no change from yesterday but i decide i have to force myself to move. Wash, clean and pack the additional things my mum has requested. 

Additional meds - i decided against taking anything today as i need to be clear headed for my appointment Tues and obvs my mums visit.

I check the weather see its a nice day decide washing is task 1. I set a bath running (multi tasking saving time from all the free time) and head downstairs to pop the washing machine on. Before i left my room i checked my phone for messages i have one from my mum telling me she has had words with Luke and that he needs to basically deal with the resentment in a more positive way. 

This explains all the banging and loud music yesterday early eve. He decided to actually clean. 

Anyhow I head downstairs. Kitchen is clean, messages all wiped from the black board. 

I decide i must try and communicate with Luke as we cant take the conflict with us to the park it isnt fair to our mum. 

I can hear him moving so send a sms message asking if he wants anything in the oven. No response. ***He did finally get out of bed at 3pm so a peaceful day so far. 

I decide food is required. I opt for protein soya burgers x2 with Spinach, tomatos, avacado, sultanas, almond pieces and some crumpets. I sit in the garden to eat.

All washing is out and drying but im to anxiety ridden and unmotivated to enjoy the sunshine. 

I head back to my room to sort bits for my mum and throw away my origami collection. It was over taking my room and again causing conflict. 

Lukes awake!!!. I decide to say hello. So far so good. He decides to make himself lunch and throws a fit because i ate a £0.45 avocado. I walk away as i know he is just venting and i need to not start the circle of negative thoughts or interactions. This is rewarded with resentment. Luke suddenly decides to do his own washing and cut the grass. Which means my washing is in his way. Before he even starts i am pulling in whats dry mainly because i want to go back to bed and need my bedsheets but also because he wont care if my washing turns green or is damaged. To my delight my sheets are dry but my pjs etc need another 30mins so i leave them whilst i go and make my bed. 

Im bellowed at about washing as Luke needs the line. So i head down stairs to reteive the rest of my belongings. 

Self soothing thoughts...

Im walking on eggshells trying not to provoke the beast and i need to keep going. Focus on my achievements. I left my room. I cleaned myself, my clothing and my pillow fort which has been my safe zone for the past 4days. 

Deep down thought i am disappointed as i know isolation and distancing is not a long turn solution as the yrs pass im becoming more and more isolated and lonely. 

Im downstairs again and i ask Luke if he wants anything popping in the oven as i was having toast. He requested 2 burgers and chips but on seperate trays as he was hungry. Easy to do popped into the oven. 40mins later chips are cooked he is plating up and all he says is "why have you cooked so many chips, clearly we now live in a household of wastefulness". 

This was the turning point for me id had enough for 1day and just told him to give it a rest and went to my room. 

Im dozing with Big Bang on in the backround and Luke is banging on my door. Mums on the phone. Confirming arrangements for tomorrow. I say a few oks with the occasional nod. 

I start packing the bits n bobs my mum has asked for and carry then downstairs so theyre ready for the car tomorrow am. 

Its PJs and bed time. Luke has other ideas. He is awake and up and about at 4.30am. Having a bath at 5am, doing weights after his bath at 6am then leaves in the car at 7am. He is back around 8am banging has a shower then decides to leave again in the car. He is meant to be house-bound until July 1st. This in itself causes me anxiety as i cant handle watching another member of my family die in front of my eyes. 

Thoughts...

Yes this is VERY dramatic. STOP IT BRAIN!

Take precautions all will be ok. 

Tuesday 26th

Mood/Anxiety = No change 

Additional meds = 4mg diazipam but late afternoon as i couldnt stop shaking and fidgeting.

My mum is coming to visit. Im trying not to think about the fact Luke is out of the house. 

We are having a picnic social distancing style. 

We head to the coop as Luke has decided even after knowing our mum all his life never be on time, we have to be early. I buy Costa coffee, fresh bread, hummus, bananas, diet coke and some biscuits the nature valley ones theyre really good. Luke doesnt go into the shop I think at least he is listening to some rules. He rolls his eyes as i spray the shopping with dettol spray and use the alcohol hand sanitizer for my hands and door handle etc. I just tell him its how it needs to be done.

We find a perfect parking spot under a bunch of trees. I notice that all the trees are trimmed in a very even shelf across the bottom. It looked like it was designed perfectly for people to walk straight onto the park from the car park without having to fight with tree branches or go around.  But in actual fact its the deer. They eat the lower leaves this made me smile and relax for a moment. WIN.

My mum is late so im nervous that she is 

1. Stuck somewhere (over reaction)

2. Lost (over reaction)

3. Just running late (normal reaction) 

Im a tad fidgety as im aware i have an appointment in 2hrs. Hurry up MOTHER...

I ponder about work and whether or not ill still have a job to return too. Had an email this am stating theyre cutting 200jobs from the team i work in. So not sure if thats a good thing or not. But its also increasing my anxiety as ive read the email and now have a burning desire to do the research to see what my probability of keeping my job will be. Before my brain can go on a major tangent my mum arrives. 

Shes brought Oscar (her poodle) he is so excited to see me. And the big hairy fluff ball  gave me the biggest snuggles. He has a major Covid hairdoo. My mum doesnt hug me which hurts but i know she cant. 

Picnic time. We sit in the middle.of a field away from everyone. Social distancing 10/10. My mum has made me my favourite cakes, rock buns. (Apparently these are a northern thing) but im feeling the love. Its fairly chilled only 1 disagreement with Luke over blinkin avocados.

Im clock checking and aware of impending appointment, im a little (understated) nervous because ive not had positive relationships with therapists or doctors in the past. 

[avpdpunpun]

i disappeared for 3/4ths a year here’s an update?

its been 4 months since my queue ran out and way longer since i wrote an actual post. 8 months about? i think i last posted when i impulse quit a job that was bad for my mental health and just kept getting worse.

sometimes i wonder when ppl who blog about mental illness disappear if they’ve died. there was a big user i used to follow who did, and i still occasionally think about it sometimes, so i figure its nice to post updates sometimes. and being able to look back on posts ive written and reflect on them/what state of mind i was in can be helpful even if it can be embarrassing/dangerous because its so easy to fall back into those thinking habits 

after quitting my job i did basically nothing for 6 months haha. at some point i managed to clean out my room which i had done the bare minimum on for years because of depression, took out more built up trash than i thought was possible to fit into my small space. its disgusting but the only thing i struggle to keep up with now at least is vacuuming and putting clothes away so my space is a lot cleaner and it makes me happier. your living space can really have an effect on your mood bless you marie kondo

after my post about having an anxiety attack taking my test i got my drivers license in march. i saw the same lady again after going somewhere else and i think she just let me pass because she felt bad haha. i never finished drivers ed and i still get anxiety about driving unfamiliar routes but my skills and confidence have improved a lot. i managed to drive 2 hours to a big city to visit a friend! i literally didnt have a choice in getting my license, but its still something i can be proud of. like, when i have to explain it to people, it feels extremely shitty that i didnt get it until i was 20, and only about 5 months ago too but... for someone who struggles as much as me, i have to be proud of it my small accomplishments or i’ll have nothing.

at some point something in my brain just snapped and i literally havent been able to cry? for a long time in those 6 months i felt like i was right on the edge of breaking down mentally but never actually crossing that line and it was honestly one of the weirdest things ive experienced. i almost wanted to have a breakdown again just to get rid of the feeling and reach a catharsis like... i used to be a fucking crybaby almost but i. cant. anymore. but i think ive mostly moved away from this point... still feel kinda weird tho.

i didnt end up signing up to a local school fo gen eds. its still on my mind for the vague future because there’s topics i want to learn about (psychology, natural resources, languages...) and maybe try to pursue for a career but really i just wanted a way to get out of my toxic house, even if it meant going into debt to live in a shitty dorm. 

in the last 30 days though life has been moving extremely quickly for me. i dont think i couldve lived with myself much longer being a useless adult basically living in my basement bedroom of my parents house, especially with my younger siblings getting nearer to adult milestones, plus my savings were starting to run out.

so literally next weekend, i’m moving out! and i make enough money right now that with the rough budget i have established, if its accurate, i’ll have a decent amount of wiggle room and hopefully wont be ruining my mental health just trying to make ends meet.

it took a long time of searching but i managed to find a job that hasnt made me suicidal and has slightly more than the MIT living wage for my area lol. im a janitor now! we’ll see how long it lasts but a lot of the factors from my last two jobs that contributed to my failing mental health are gone. i rarely have to interact with other people, and if i do its my coworkers, of who i tend to only see for minutes per day, or the other people working in the building i clean who at most i have to say hi and have a nice night to lol. i get to listen to music and podcasts for 8 hours and its very routine heavy. i have to clock out after the 8 hours is up so i literally cant be forced into overtime. a lot of people dont respect cleaning jobs like this but honestly who gives a fuck, its something i can handle mentally and support myself with. its still hard adjusting to 40 hours. i know its the standard, but the standard is rly tough for me, but i think i can do it long term.

all of this has been achieved through sheer self hatred and impulse alone, and im very nervous about moving in with 3 other people even if 1 of them ive known for 8 years, and i dont think its even properly hit me yet. literally cant register that i have to fend 100% for myself but also ill be away from my toxic family! i can bring my cat with me, who before this i got to see at MOST once a week!

a dude ive known online for two or more years is moving to my area too for college and he’s so sweet and kind, i feel better talking to him than i have 99% of people in my life and im so lucky to know him. ive been forced to talk about personal things i was kind of dreading (not his fault, just a result of our relationship going to go from online -> irl and things id have to address beforehand) and honestly i didnt even mind it that much when i just got it over with and talked about it to him! vulnerability is literally the thing i struggle with the most in interpersonal relationships and is a huge block for me in every way and in even the most mundane life situations but like... he’s honestly the best and im getting emotional writing this and its weird af because i straight up dont GET emotional about other people. ive absolutely developed a stupid fucking crush on him recently and i THINK hes been receptive to flirting and i cant tell if he flirts back because we already say i love you and are wholesome af but honestly no clue if he’s into (trans) dudes but honestly? even if it doesnt work out im so happy to be friends with him and im so excited to finally meet him!! i really think knowing him has helped me improve myself 

i’ve always thought that if i could literally just achieve the bare minimum in life that things would naturally get better. like i’m still mentally ill and get paranoid about peoples intentions and i think if my boss yelled at me id have an anxiety attack on the spot. im still depressed and hate that i have low energy and that it’s still rly hard doing basic chores. 

but like a huge part of my problem was that i felt like i literally couldn’t TRY to connect with people if i couldn’t face having to tell them bare info about myself, like “oh i cant drive” or “i dont have a job” or that i was living with my parents but not even making PROGRESS on getting out. like how could i make friends or go on dates if i literally couldnt contribute shit or admit these things i was so ashamed of? a lot of my self image was shaped by this because my entire life i havent been mentally well enough to do as well as i should have.

but like. i feel like im finally doing these basic things!! i dont have to hate myself so much anymore! i dont look badly on other mentally ill ppl who are less lucky than i/havent been able to do those things yet/might not ever and are still in the same situation i was 2 months ago but the self hatred is strong pls understand.

i dont know yet if i could afford twice yearly drs visits for meds or anything and probably not therapy. i dont even know what my insurance is yet haha. but i’ll see

i need to figure out at what point in my life im going to be able to never contact a single person in my family ever again, considering i’ll be a 20 min drive away and they will know the precise location of where i live, and if i’ll ever feel safe enough in society to start hrt but :^) you know :^) i can at least present more masculinely in the meantime!

i dont rly know how to conclude this... i’m not trying to brag either im just very nervous and excited about where my life might be going for the first time ever? maybe? in my entire life? i have no clue what to pursue after moving out, but i can figure it out. and just... that there’s hope even if youre as fucked up and mentally ill as i am lmao!

[notruvik]

finished kh3 a couple of days ago and i have some thots on it.. this took me a while to write, but seeing the general consensus right now im glad im not the only one whos got some Feelings about it. obvious spoiler talk underneath the cut!

before anything i wanna say i did enjoy the game. i had fun with it, it is polished to beyond and isnt per se a rushed product technical wise - which makes my grievances with it the more harrowing

first and foremost i dont have too much gripes with the story and its ending overall. sora ‘dying’ had been hinted at before and seeing how the disney worlds played out i had expected it to happen. the revival of aqua, ven and terra was sufficient and while the seasalt trio only had one scene to call their own, it’s fine, really. it brought the emotion across and worked as climax for their arc. im happy that theyre happy

however, its nothing more than that: it’s fine. the game itself didnt do anything to make all of these returns and happy endings meaningful. it simply presented you one longer-than-average cutscene and a boss fight for each respective trio and had you fill in the blanks. for 20 hours it feels like the game is at a standstill as you go from disney world to disney world, forcing you to do unrelated tasks and seemingly doing everything to prevent sora from going into the realm of darkness until the very last 7 hours of the game where everything happens at once

that feeling of ‘standstill’ is caused by nothing really happening in sora’s physical journey. yes, he does meet marluxia, y!xehanort and vanitas (arguably the best and most efficient encounter in the game), but youre no step closer to the goal youre trying to achieve nor is any other character making any visible progress. when its time to finally take the first step, youre soon thrown at the very end of the plight: you save aqua, you immediately save ven, youre at the keyblade graveyard, you reunite everyone in the span of 2 hours and then its end game already

theres not breather in-between. no moment to let your achievements sink in and let these lost wielders get acquainted with the main cast and have some form of reunion. to make it feel like they matter in the present time. after all is said and done you find the resurrection of the wayfinder and seasalt trio meaningful not because the game helped you connect but because youve spent the past 10 years thinking about them.

this overall covers my main complaint about the game. further on i tried to collect some other issues in smaller points which i think just added to the Experience

to address the elephant in the room, kairi has been such a waste once again. being advertised as keyblade wielder, finally playing a role in all of this, only for her to get kidnapped immediately and killed is an awful move. being the reason sora is ‘dead’ in the end leaves such a bad bad aftertaste on top of all that. since a bunch of other posts have already discussed the issues at hand, i wont go in on this too hard. i do wanna say tho that kairi here feels like the epitome of character mismanagement problems the game is having in general; you dont feel for her. she says a lot of things, but is not acting on it. you dont see her training, you barely see her fighting. shes not talking to sora up to moments before her death, its no wonder youll forget about her until sora brings her up again post-end boss

continuing, instead of introducing mysterious female character(s) which never serve any purpose, i wish they had used the time to develop the characters which actually were at stake here. same goes for the many more sub-plots that never lead anywhere. the time spent talking about The Box, The Girl, The KHuX Survivors could have been used to ease the fallen heroes into the story. DLC content would have been perfect to introduce all these other elements into the present for future installments, instead of leaving all of these mentioned new plot points entirely unresolved. as its stands kh3 is a playable sequel bait instead the end of the xehanort saga

no radiant garden hub world? a huge portion of plot relevant characters are gathered there, why wouldn’t you add this one to the selection? the relief you would feel seeing the outcome of the restoration committee, kairi finally getting back in touch with her homeworld, damn, even just being able to interact with your allies on an npc level would be enough to make this game feel alive. this emptiness spreads out to the other world as well: like many AAA games, kh3 suffers from beautiful but empty world syndrome. sure, the worlds are huge, but theres nothing to do but fight enemy hordes and run for hours. arendelle arguably being the worst offender where all safe point spawning places look the same

minor, but still gonna mention it: sora still hasnt thanked namine and it personally drives me nuts. it wouldnt be that much of a problem honestly if theyd stop bringing it up every other game, throwing out cutscenes solely dedicated to that.. like, come on.

im trying to be optimistic here, but kh3 was supposed to wrap all these ‘spin-off’ into the main story line, not hint at a dozen more games to come. the game overall feels like another side project, instead of a full blown main title which is a damn shame. i already wrote this on twitter, but to me kh3 feels like the point where the series loses all of its emotional value in favor of ‘unforeseen’ plot twists to create this historic epic that paints nomura as some kind of ingenious story teller. instead of providing a story that focuses on the fight between light and dark, the power of friendship, and of course finally giving us an ending to all these characters weve grown attached to over the years, its simply put sequel bait in order to promote a (pretty much) pay to play mobile game. and it left me disappointed

[drunkjaked]

i know i already sent two asks in today (so sorry) but i just wanted to share some good things that's happened to me recently if thats okay ??? if its not please do ignore i just wanted to share with you !!! ( ^^ ) so .. i got more into these two groups recently & they have been bringing me so much happiness & calmness in hard times 💭 on another note T__T its been so-so but i feel happy bcs i get to be free of stress soon!!!!!! i also have been (trying ><) to come in terms with myself and that kinda gives me relief <3 just its been good for the past week nd im hoping it stays good for a long while ~3~ my anxiety is still at peak sometimes but its better than before so it's such an achievement for me ). . ( i just felt to share that with you! u're so homely so i feel safe talking to you???? im sorry its so cringe to say that and i don't mean to make you uncomfortable ☹️ you always manage to make me feel important hhh o_< sorry for dumping that on u but thank you for everything! anyways since i wont be able to send a relatively ... gross ... ask (also please pick between 1-4 so i can decide what ask to send first bcs yes 🤍 i do pre-write before i send the asks to u :( just want the best impression!) until friday ??? please do take care (im sorry i always say this) and make sure to drink plenty of water <33 (i dont know if this will work but when im on my period i drink so so much water and it stops my cramps and sometimes even shortens my period) ++ eat your three meals & rest well 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂 im writing this at night so im going to bed soon but whenever you see this i hope you're doing fine <333333 sweet dreams sax !!!!!! U__U

from: 🐰 <3

p.s ... im sorry for all the () action i just have so much to say but so little brain energy TT also feel like i overshared im sorry if i made or make you uncomfortable please do tell me if i do so i know what better way to say things thank you for listening to me! goodnight really this time 💟

don't apologise u can send me as many asks as u want i love chatting w u, i promise! that's fun to hear, do u mind sharing what groups they are so i could check them out too?

i've been so worried about u since ur last ask so i feel so relieved to hear that you've been feeling better lately, thank u sm 🐰 for the update!! it definitely is an achievement so i hope u do something to celebrate it - it doesn't have to be anything big.. even if u treat urself to a good read or show or smth else u enjoy, just make sure to acknowledge all of these things even if they may seem small in the grand scheme of things <33 im rooting for u always

you feel safe talking to me??? ohhhhh my days that is so so so so kind of you to say and im so glad to hear it because i want that for everyone who interacts w me, i really want this blog to feel like a safe place and for me to feel like a friend so i will work harder in the future to maintain that for u and everyone else <33 agh ur so sweet and i only make u feel important bc u are important!! im always gonna be here for u and u can tell me anything u feel comfortable sharing! i have a twt acc and a discord if u would ever wanna chat w me outside of asks, but only if u feel comfortable doing so! im more than happy to chat w u in asks but just incase u ever want smth more private <3

hmm i pick number 3 bc today the 30th day of the 3rd month! it's so fun that u write ur asks in advance but it makes sense now that u say it, u always write so well and clearly that i can tell u put a lot of time into it ! take ur time sending those there is absolutely no rush on that!!!

im really bad w drinking water but i'll take this advice!! it's my last day today so hopefully it should be alright, i don't normally get such bad cramps idk what was going on this month 😭

sweet dreams right back to u 🐰!! i actually just woke up about an hour ago but i slept very well <3 im sending u all the love in the world and i really hope to chat w u soon!!!!

and dw abt that i love reading ur thoughts in the brackets i tend to thAt a lot so it’s nice seeing ur brain kinda working as u type 😭 and remember u can always tell me anything

from: sax (always ur buddy) 💌🫀

[loudsoulgentlemen]

Sunday Word.

What Am I Doing This Weekend.

Work.

It Might Not Look Like I Work. BUT. I Do Alot. All My Employees Can See Me Work. Can See My Work. Cause I Educated Them On My Life Styles And What To Expect And When! MAXIMUM Productivity. Thank You For Understanding. Thank You For Understanding Your Training. I Am The Boss!. I Am Working. I Am Working For You, And My Family. I Am Also Working For Me. My Dreams Come True.! I Have Dreams. Wonky Glimpses Of The Future. Has My Future Been Prooved The BEST!? YES! My Helm On The Planet Is Highly Reigned! And Globally Celebrated. My Achievements Are Your Achievements. Your Achievements Are Mine. And Yours Achievements. My Thoughts On EveryOnes Mind! "How Do You Like Working For Chris?" - "The Best God Damn Boss On The Planet! ThAts! RIGHT!"

This Sunday. Just Saw My Wife. SHE HAS MY CARS! *PURE LOVE! Look At That Bad Girl Go! Oh So Sexxy Oh So Rich! That's My Baby Taking Care Of My Money! Family! And Money!? Hehehe I Make More! And SHE LOVES TO SPEND IT! Hahaha! Her And My Children. My Morning Light Super Star Children! They Do Obey, Not To Mention My First Born. He Grew Up With Money. I Want Him To Dream! I Want Him To SPEND! I WAnt Him TO MAKE HIS DREAMS COME TRUE! EVERY NEW DREAM! Just Like His Daddeh! .x. Love! Xxmmxxx! The Ruling Family! Business! We Make Friends. We Love Family. If I Am ThHIS COOL My BloodLine MUST Be WORTH IT! FAMILY People Family! You Cant GEt Famous Without Sharing, You Cant Get Rich Without Sharing, ahem! FAMILY! Remember That, Take notes! *Hahaha! .XxX.

This Sunday. I. Am. Blessed.

To Be Loved!

Its Not Easy To Be Loved.

Its Not Easy Being Loved.

It Is Not Easy To Love!

Comes With Expectations, and Support. Change A Faint Idea Into A Whole Industry. My Service. WorldWide Freedom. Global Finance Currency Exchange Rates, New Formula Being Spewed Almost Every Week If Not Every Month By Me!. MY SERVICE! IS Going To Be BIG! AnyWhere AnyHow! Make Your Money! "I Am A Good Catholic And A Very Good Investor! I Would Love To Live In Texas Near All The Important People! Then, Italy Rome, France Paris, Ireland Dublin And Greece Athens. Can You Do That For Me!?" - "Yes Maim All The Way Home!" - "Hihi I Might Not Come Back Home." - "That's Fine Too. We Can Arrange That For You!."

So. ?

Make Your Money. You Are One Step Closer To Making Your Dreams Come True! I Am One Step Closer To MAking YOur Dreams Come True! Trust In Chacha Cooperative! Trust In Chacha. Chris Raphael Chacha. His Good For You!.

Today: I Am Working On Rescueing Facebook. Its Been Under Attack From Small Thinkers And Selfish Men And Women For A LONG TIME! Frivelous Acts! And We Can Prove It! 8 Years On! "ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF?" - "WHAT DID YOU GET?" - "YOU HAVE A CHANCE." - "RESCIND THE COMPLAINT. Save Yourself. Save Facebook." The Thing Is. You Had No Idea Just How Special Facebook Is.! And You Wont Untill It Goes Away! What Happened To My Space And Hi5!? A Fun Way To Say: I Love You. So I Am Sharing MySelf With You! - "Oh! FACEBOOK Is Boring! ... Did You Have AnyThing Else? Do You Prefer Social Communications Via Email, Whatsapp And WhAt!?" Do Share! What IS GREATER Than 'THE FACEBOOK'!? - "MY FACEBOOK!.?" Think About It! Lets Challenge Ourselves! And Save Facebook! Are Your Memories Gone!? Who Deleted Your Picture? Who Took Your Video? All The Cool Wise Words You've Ever SAid!? THINK ABOUT IT! Let Me Explain BitCoin! Its Money! Algorythms That Show The Importance Of Your Interactions! FaceBook HAs And Uses BitCoin! You WAnna Know If Your Smart Or Important? Try Facebook Bitcoins! Its Alot Easier To Earn BitCoin Than You Think! -JUST BE YOURSELF!-

Truth Be SAid. If You Dont Trust FACEBOOK. I Give You An EAsy WAy Out. Found And Locked In Programme Alogorythms On A Few New Internet\Web Browsers, Check Who Owns Them! Web Browsers That Calculate Your BitCoin In REAL TIME! THEY SHOULD MAKE ONE FOR PHONES TOO! They Have. They Did! SOMEONE IS STEALING YOUR BITCOIN! BUT NOT STEALING YOUR IDEAS WHICH COMES CLOSE TO STEALING YOUR BITCOIN BUT NOT STEALING YOUR IDEAS. Its The Algorythm! If Its Yours Its Yours, New Law. Some Wont Have BitCoin. The Elite. And Well Educated, Well Taught, Will Find: They Are More Interesting Than They Thought! At The EQUALITY OF It All? - "I AM LOVED!" - WHICH IS TOO IMPORTANT! MONEY! - In Afrika! Wote Tuna Jua! - MOney! Is SeXXy! - Dirty SExxy Money! Do WOmen LOve DiRty Sex!? - But They DO! LOVE! Dirtty SeXXe MOney! - "Spend It On Me BABY! ;x" - PRINCESS!. - THEY EXIST! WHO WOULDNT WANT A PRINCESS TO MAKE THEIR LIVES INTERESTING!? WHO WOULDNT WANT A PRINCESS TO MAKE THEM INTERESTING!? - THINK ABOUT IT!? :Happy! - ;X

MORE LOVE IN THE WORLD! I Do That, That Is Why, I, Am, Loved. Myself.! I Do That For You. I Do That For You All. It Is A Priveldge And An Honour For Me To Care. About You.

I Went Away, I Come Back And Everything Is Shagala Bagala! But The Platform Still Runs. Today. I Make It Better. Today. I Make It A MArket Leader RIGHT Infront Of You!

JESUS?

You WAnt A Quip From Jesus!?

"Dad. Why Can't He Be My Friend?"

His Family Isn't Trying To Compete With Ours. They're Trying To Kill Ours, And i Have Had ENOUGH! "Honey, I'll Be Back Late. Gotta Bury Him And Take Care To Business. Take Care OF Business. Love You See You LAter! Mwaah!"

Papers? That's All My DAd Is Gonna DO!? PApers! Drown Him In Law? I Thought He Was Stronger Than That Mum! "Hihi! Trust Your Dad. He Did Say What He WAs Doing, Hihi, Your Dad Is A King Little One. Watch Him Work."

Papers.!

"Do You Prefer Gold?"

We HAve AlOt! Of Gold!.

"We Have ALOT Of PApers Too!" Hihi! .Xx.

All Yours My Son.

"The Star In His Eye!"

You Have Plenty Friends. He Just Tires Of ThAt One! We Need A Better Design. For You! He Himself? "Thinks Everyone Is His Friends, Because ThEy Cannot Kill Him.!"

DAD Is ThAT GREAT!? ??

Yes Little One. Your Father Is Amazing!

So Your In Love?

AS Much AS I Am With You. As Much AS I See In You As I See In Your Father. I Am GREATLY In Love. And THAT! Will Not Change! Love You So Much!

Love You Too Mama!

Now Go Play.

I AM Experementing.!

Do Your Homework!

After I Figure Out Why PEople Think Shadows Are Black?

What Other Colour Can They Be?

On Them. Off Them. Through Them. With Them.? Can You Make A Shadow Caravan! IT WOULD BE INVISIBLE RIGHT!?

JESUS!

"Yes MaMa, I Am Going To Play!" :SpiritsDropping

"FINE! Lets See Who WAnts To Stare At The Freak!"

Your Beautiful. ... Thats Why. ..

JESUS!

[benjaminpoulter]

10 Easy Money Habits That Will Help Build Wealth In 2021

It doesn’t matter what are you are, A habit can develop in anyone.

The trick is to keep the bad habits, use 10 Easy Money Habits That Will Help Build Wealth In 2021.

Focus On What You Can Control.

There has been many things going on in the world at the beginning of 2021, most of it has carried over from 2020.

However, personally we cannot control what goes on in the world. That should not be a main focus at the moment.

If we stop watching so many news reports and concentrate on what matters. The task at hand.

I myself am a victim of this and have so many tabs open on the computer. So many things Im trying to do, articles I keep meaning to read.

Get rid of them and close them down!

If the local government tells you to say at home — Dont go out and protest. That sort of thing will get you nowhere.

If you need to generate traffic to your business inn order to make money for your family, Thats down to you.

That’s what you should focus on!

The Early Bird Catches The Worm

That’s what my dad used to say all the time to get me out of bed. He was complacently right.

If you wake up and maybe laze in bed for an hour, maybe snooze the alarm. Its going to have a knock on effect through the day.

This goes the same for getting a good night sleep. Your body will need to recharge, so give yourself a good nights sleep in order to function properly.

When you get up early and begin to go through your daily tasks, if you get out of bed early there is more time to get things done.

Its a medical proven fact that there are Effects of Sleep Deprivation on Brain Functional Network.

The 10 Easy Money Habits That Will Help Build Wealth In 2021 can be put into effect from today.

Fuel you brain and body

Look at your body as a machine — A well oiled machine will function much better when it is maintained.

Think about when you are hungry. You body is craving energy to function.

What you put into your body will inevitably have a reaction to what the output is.

For example:

We drink 3 cups of coffee and we are rearing to go and are wide awake. But what goes up must come down.

It we eat healthy and drink plenty of water along with a good amount of exercise, Our body and brain will give us the best performance it can.

I’m not saying you have to join a gym to be able to achieve this, but eating health and taking part in exercise is going to help you get the best out of the body.

Set Yourself Goals

If you are anything like me you have a million and one things you want to get done. Sometimes we give ourselves such a high target that we get disappointed if we don’t achieve them.

So when we sit down at the beginning of the week and set a goal for each day, we have a direction in which we are heading.

Then if on that particular day we reach that goal it is down to us to go above and beyond. This way we feel a sense of achievement and it feels like we are getting progress.

Having a goal can also help you stay focused on the task in hand. You know what you need to get done that day, so you close all other tabs that will distract you from that task.

Tip — Maybe put your phone on silent too and everything pings up on there 😏

Reading Books to help Build Wealth In 2021

I never used to read many books at all. The only time I would pick a book up was if I was on a long flight where there was nothing else to do.

Or of course reading to the children when they were young 😁.

But I never knew the importance of reading in order to grow the knowledge in your brain.

Think of it as if you wanted to have big muscles, you go to the gym and do exercises to improve the size of your muscleses in your arms.

This works escaley the same for your brain. The more information you feed into your brain the better it will function.

They say that traveling the world can educate the mind of a wise man. Depending on what type of books you read they can open your mind up to completely new way of thinking.

Break The Bad Habits

Bad habits are in every single person. Weather it be from sitting down in front of the TV and bingeing on a boxset to getting caught up in a rabbit hole looking for an answer on the internet.

Its the shiny object syndrome in us all.

https://youtu.be/7Of0sMa6gqE

I have even been caught up in it and not even know its happening. This all come back to focusing on the task in hand.

It all leads back to 10 Easy Money Habits That Will Help Build Wealth In 2021.

Get Honest With Yourself

I can keep telling myself that Im doing the best I can. I can do any better because I am actually putting in 110%.

Really? Are You?

So why did I spend an hour watching motorbike car chase on youtube!

Things like this, where you convince yourself that it needed to be done, or I was just taking 5 minutes but it turned into an hour!

You smiling right now right! Yes you!

Take 5 minutes for some fresh air and stretch your legs but dont get distracted into doing something else.

If you have you mind set on the goals in hand you are more then likely to reach them goals by breaking the bad habits.

Dont Stay Stuck

There will always be challenges that come up. In order to overcome the certain challenge always have a plan to resolve the problem and do it.

Its human nature that we feel we have to figure everything out on our own. When we have this mindset it will lead us down a path where we give up or start something else.

The thing is that problem will almost always come back up another day.

We have the power of the internet at our finger tips and there are lots of people willing to help at the push of a button.

Weather you are part of a group on social media or simply use google to find the answer — Don’t stay stuck!

9 times out of 10 there is someone else out there who has encounted the same problem you are having.

If you just ASK for help the problem will get resolved a lot quicker and keep you moving forward.

Work Out a Strategy

Having a strategy to what your doing will help you have a clear plan of where your heading.

For me it is -

Create content on my blog

Repurpose that content of different platforms

Engage with people in my network

Repeat

The more content I have out on the internet, the more people will engage and interact with me and my business.

Once you have worked out the strategy STICK to it.

Also if its a proven method that works for many other people who have been successful in the same business you are building, stick to that strategy until you see results.

I can understand that when your working on a strategy and not getting the results you had hoped for, it can be disheartening at first.

But being consistent and sticking to the plan is going to help in the long run.

Track Your Progress of Money habits

Running your own business is a numbers game. The more you create — the more you will be noticed.

If you track the engagement on an article or post to see what your target audience is interested in it will help in the future.

When a piece of content has high engagement you can use that as a signel that you audience interested in what you have put out.

Take note of what that content was about, also the comments which people have spoken about. Use your audience to figure out your next step.

Above everything else — NEVER GIVE UP! if you dont try your wont succeed.

These 10 Easy Money Habits That Will Help Build Wealth In 2021 and for the rest of your time whiles building business.

Breaking bad habits and developing new ones that keep pushing you forward is the only way to go.

[extradan]

Hey I like your art a ton and I was wondering just how long you have been drawing and working to improve as an artist.

Oh my gosh haha thank you so much for liking my art!

I have been drawing for the longest time, I think ever since kindergarten, well at least the artistic dedication! 

I used to draw my when i was in middle school, starting from fourth grade i have been drawing more and more frequently until fifth grade in which I was drawing on a daily base, back then I would also be sitting and making animations on flash, which unfortunately I dont have backups of

but from middle school, up to high school 2012, my art never improved, it was just all the same all the time, I was back then on ritalin and I decided to start my first pony blog, while updating my blog, I couldnt consider yet Tumblr being part of the effective social websites that I go on as nobody was following me and I had no one to intreact with back, tumblr would be the thing i would check once every few days, it was nothing to me but a mere another google plus, until i was sponsored by catfood-mcfly back when he was running the Herpy Derpy blog, and thats where I got recognized and I was determined to continue my activity on tumblr as an ask blog, and I have gotten to become more interactive with people, being inspired by the many of the art I have been seeing from following other people, I would adopt and experiment with what I saw mostly shines through their art, and 2012 was the year I have made the biggest change in my art throughout the months, whitin 6-8 months I have improved by a ton!  tumblr was a very resourceful to the evolution of my art! and I also made so many friends and I have as well learned to become a better person! I am a better person of who I used to be in the past, and i am still improving! there are still a lot of things I need to work about myself as a person!

Also stepping out of drawing in flash and starting doing my stuff in sai was revolutionary to my art, flash back then wasnt recognized fully as an animators program by macromedia and neither by adobe, as they saw it an all purpose program for making goptimized ames and ads, only until all browsers and webpages grew out of flash and flash officially was blocked by all browsers since you could have implanted malicious codes into flash files, only then flash recognized as an art and animation tool for creators.

So moving to sai allowed me to build sketches and bodies easily and paint and yadda yadda and it was all great and helped boosting my art upwards

Flash limited my improvement as I wasnt drawing sketches on flash since you couldnt just lower the opacity of the layer you drew the sketch on, you would have to go through several actions to achieve that, but you would be lowering the opacity of your selected drawing and not the layer, I couldnt also paint on flash and flash ever since the stone age had those horrible vector tools that SUCKED DICK unless you do stretching and smoothing and fixing, in my opinion at least, they did improve the vector system a bit BUT IT STILL SUCKS, i prefer bitmap brushes more, which why I prefer Toon Boom harmony as a program for animators.

If you have been back in the days, you could have watched me go through a several phases! like drawing like atryl, raikissu’s shading and coloring styles, florecentmoo’s shading techniques and eye pupil style, and I uhh.. dont remember the rest, but theres have been a lot of artists out there whom I adopted artistic traits like:

theflyingtacoz, kittentoots(drunk fluttershy), w300, Santi, belaboy, dr idiot, inzergue (big impact on my current style), David (the guy who now works on mighty magiswords along with kyle), fungasm, colorlesscupcake (known as caek now), ahappypichu (a pretty powerful current impact on how i paint my art today), uhh, also “pinkie in private” which, to this day, drawing the way the draw the cheek for their characters, and some other artists I that I couldnt come up in my mind but I did adapt a trait or two from.

My current big inspirations are artists who work on OK KO and as fake as it might sound, my own fiance! yes!! they have been an inspiration for me for quite a while even back at 2012, but to how I viewed it, I never really dared to adopt anything from them because I was so out of their league, and my art was still shaping and i already had ideas that I wouldnt think would work if i mixed some of their’s, but now that my art have been developed and has a solid state of how it looks, they inspire me so much!!

Drawing ponies was probably the best practice I have ever had that thanks to that I have pushed so far in the art that I do, ponies are so simplified!! and easy to draw! it allowed me to produce more and that means that it allowed me to experience differently with each time! 

It helped me improve with a lot of stuff like gesture, facial and painting and other other minor stuff! drawing ponies was such a booster seat for me!

But unfortunately, from drawing ponies alot you wont learn how to draw humans, which understanding muscle, action line, figure and bones is so crucial for drawing, anything really! understanding how the body works is extremely fundamental and its there for you to know how to manipulate the drawings your making, of any specie, its not there to just teach you how to draw the anatomy of the human body, that will only serve as a plus.

I have learned a lot from ponies but how bodies work and draw clothes lmafo, to this day I cant draw clothes for days

in 2014 I ordered a really good book and I have polished my anatomy and human drawing skills, I yet dont know some stuff because i stopped practicing because of varios reason like relationship, access and physical health.

In the begging of the year I acquired a cintiq and it been nothing but dreadful to me, but im using it because i spent.. so much money on it.. and i have been so concerned about bringing it to my home country as well.. but it has the adventage of a screen so... 

its just, I dont have a low enough desktop or high enough chair to draw on it, its always above my shoulder no matter the angle and it puts so much weight on my shoulders, the thing is heavy too so its not something you could lean on your legs while you draw, neither it is portable, it made work much more harder and difficult and I wasnt drawing as frequesnt because my time wasnt so so enjoyable, my 2015 as well become a dreadful year to me and I was feeling guilty and shitty everyday, and it was my fault because it was all my doing and i let myself feel that way, and I had barely the stamina to work on my art ever over the year, I also lost my passion and motivation to draw and basically it dragged also to 2016, I drew a few commissions but I didnt produce much art neither, then I flew over the united states and I didnt have acess to drawing for 4 months as i was away from my equipment, my fiance had the equipment, but that means that I would have to use their computer for all the dedicated hours I use to work on my art and they would have nothing but a mere phone to entertain themselves, also our time togehter was really precious and every minute counted, so we rathered having fun other than doing work work work

2017 came and I still had the sense of drawing lost in me, I would draw whenever i would have a piece of paper available to me since I find fun in that, since im comfortable and cozy and i dont have to concentrate the entirety of my body weight on my hand and arm as i draw, but I would never draw on the cintiq unless its a miracle or if had a crazy comic idea in mind that i had and MUST HAD executed, i almost didnt draw anything in 2017, and neither in this year but the ok ko drawing i have recently created, but I found a new comfortable focus and its doing 3d, I am using my mouse to do everything and i dont have to feel my horrible chair scraping againt my butt like sandpaper, and I dont to feel like my shoulders are about to give up, I did try Tam’s 13hd and it was so much more comfortable and nice to draw on as i could put it on the bed or on my legs, but I cant afford another expensive piece of equipment, especially not in this generation of technology, wacom fucking sucks but no other brand is willing to be their competitive because tablet is not the purchase the average person would make.

Another reason why I have been so held on drawing and using the cintiq, which was probably the most major thing was it’s total, hot flaming shitty garbage diarrhea poopy stank abysmal horrible disgusting nasty dumbass smelly drivers which made every chance i had to draw a miss because i would battle myself from 30 minutes to over a hour fixing my tablet to draw a single thing, and its been like that every time i would turn my cintiq on! the situation was severe and everytime i would find a solution, it would be later suppressed, it was so harsh that i had a few months in which nothing I would do would make the drivers function, i was basically tabletless, so many, and a lot of opportunities for me to create a piece of drawing was flushed in the toilet with the rest, and so it was a deeper burden on my passion, determination and motivation to draw.

But yeah, now im doing 3d and it feels like a fresh hobby to me since I felt that im not going anywhere in and with my art (even though I yet have to learn how to draw bodies better, let alone drawing limbs, feet and CLOTHES!!)

and now the future has yet to be revealed!

[butter--they-them]

Ahahhaha back again with another pitiful post.

This ones gonna be about the fact that I've hugged someone TWICE since age 13. Including family.

So, it would be very easy to assume I'm not a tactile person. Haha bitch you would be wrong about that. I'm very tactile naturally. I really do want that platonic physical intimacy and always have.

HOWEVER, I've had some barriers in achieving this.

For family:

I was never close with them. My parents didn't have time for me and even though I understood why, it meant we had a bad relationship. I rejected physical intimacy with them in response to them neglecting emotional intimacy with me. HOWEVER, I was very close with friends in early childhood.

For friends:

I quickly became familiar with people being uncomfortable with my existence. I was a loud child with no emotional stability, so any comment would be internalised. And of course, no one appritates a loud ""girl"". Being recognised as female by my peers means they expected a level of silence from me. Safe to say they reacted poorly when I didn't meet that expectation. I found myself bombarded by people, including family, telling me I was too much. I was too loud. My friendly punches or rough housing was simply unacceptable, something that wasn't true for the AMAB people around me. Even at 5 or 6, I knew I was too much.

So for much of my life, I found myself constantly analysing my actions, trying to find what made me different from the boys in my class. Trying to find what made me repulsive when I was just like them. I would hesitate to even breath too loudly. I would try not to speak, because I knew I couldnt do so without being obnoxious. Of course, I never found what made me different from the other boys in my class. Because the only difference was that they were AMAB and I'm AFAB.

Of course, this had the consequence of me being too self conscious to seek out the physical intimacy I needed to be comfortable. It was and always will be how I judge my friendships, so to not have that left me unsure of if I was even friends with someone, if i liked them ect ect. It goes without saying that for someone with that baggage, hugging was out of the question.

And now that I've consciously thought everything through, now that I realise what's going on, it's too late. I never see my friends anymore. All of them know me as someone uncomfortable with even shaking hands or sitting next to someone. I'm terrified to reach out, because even though I know now that there's nothing wrong with being physical person as long as I respect others boundaries, i have no idea if anyone else has thought through it enough to reject the bias' that lead to my situation in the first place. I cant blame them at all for not recognising it, or even for coming to a completely different conclusion.

Regardless, the reality remains that I have no guarantee that I wont get the exact same reaction I did as a child. that I wont get the same reaction I've gotten every time I've EVER tried to reach out before. There hasn't been a person who I've being myself with that hasn't been disgusted. I love my friends, they're amazing- how am I meant to accept that I could lose that?

"I want to hug you and be more intimate with you in a platonic way because I am a tactile person. Here are my reasons for being more distant before:"

That doesnt sound like too much, and most people you say it to would be fine with it. But in practice they change their minds. I fucking know I wouldn't get as much of a reaction if I were AMAB, I've seen it, but still. I've got to accept that this is my life. My sexuality doesnt help either, I know it makes people insecure or makes them view our friendship through a sexual lense. They'll deny it, but they'd rather think I'm a liar than think I'm not promiscuous. Of course anything that isnt cishetero normative is promiscuous to most people, it shouldn't have had to be something I learned the hard way but i still did.

Anyway, I'm afraid to seek out the comfort in others I desperately desire, and my govs constant covid fuck ups means that I legally cant do anything about it right now.

I'm undeniably awkward from my years of solitude. People wont be understanding of that. They never have been. Not family. Not best friends. No one. How do I explain that I dont know how to hug people anymore? How do i articulate my situation to them without sending them a fucking essay? This is a mess.

My lack of physical contact has made me a shaky, anxious person. Of course it did, I was rejecting part of myself with every interaction I have with those I care about. That would make anyone a socially awkward reck. But now what?. It feels like they're is no coming back from this. I feel like I'm gonna have to keep living like this.