#but dont or youll get alcohol poisoning

[ivymarquis]

The Neighbor

Hello friends I fucked off for a month but I’m back and I bring Price smut as an apology for my absence. @sky-is-the-limit’s “Im here to do what your boyfriend cant” prompt has lived in my brain rent free ecer since I read it and while I didn’t follow it verbatim, I did keep in spirit with the theme :)

Also womp I was gone for the Price challenge by @glitterypirateduck but this actually checks off a couple of the prompt options (first time being intimate, a confession/secret is discovered/revealed) so I’m submitting it.

There are a lot of tags. Make sure you read them.

Pairing| John Price x Reader Rating| M Word Count| 4.8k Kinks/Content/Warnings| Accidental voyuerism by virtue of living in an apartment, the reader has a dogshit boyfriend at the beginning of the fic (there is no cheating), slut shaming (from the dogshit boyfriend), these two idiots are down bad for each other, sex toys, oral (F!receiving), unprotected PiV, gratuitous squirting because I’m me, not really heavy on BDSM elements but mentions of the following: bondage/restraints (John uses his hands, nothing crazy), something akin to subspace from how good the nut is, aftercare, John is a prick to the now-ex, very brief angst due to a quick misunderstanding, very vaguely implied somnophilia, rampant abuse of italics. Lemme know if I missed anything.

His neighbor is clearly used to Price being deployed.

She’s a sweet thing, really, and on the whole isn’t that disagreeable of a neighbor.

He just has one problem with her (not even her, really) that is a thorn in his fucking side- her boyfriend.

The boyfriend was not an issue when they first met- wasn’t in the picture at all.

And no John most assuredly hasn’t had it out for the guy since Day 1. The fact that John had gathered himself up to ask his pretty neighbor out when he came back from his latest mission, only to find out about the new boyfriend, does not color his impression of the other man. He’s grown and this is not the first time his advances have been turned away for whatever reason.

But there are, to his knowledge, no true redeeming qualities about the man and he is about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.

He catches bits and pieces through the walls. The boyfriend is not attentive, caring, or sweet to her. She is treated as a guest in her own home, and twice he’s heard bellowing shouts that had Price at the door with his fist banging against it- both to shut him up and make it exceptionally well known that if the boyfriend thinks intimidating a woman is going to fly, that Price will not hesitate to kick the door in.

The most appalling part of it all is that John has a front row seat to just how atrocious he is in bed.

For the life of him John does not understand. It’s not even like the lad’s a good lay.

He’s heard many stories of women tolerating absolutely atrocious behavior from the muppets they were with because he knew how to make them see stars.

That is exceptionally not the case here. And John is rapidly finding his patience wearing thin at continually being subjugated to his pathetic performance.

So what the hell is it about the boyfriend that keeps his neighbor so enamored with him?

John stares at the ceiling, watching the blades of the fan turn as he tries to tune out the thumping of the headboard against the wall.

He thinks that if the man was just a bad lay and completely incapable of getting her anywhere, that would be one thing and John would continue to be frustrated but ultimately understand. But it’s the way he seems to actively ruin it anytime she has the audacity to enjoy having sex with him that truly grates on John’s nerves.

It’s not often, but even a blind squirrel finds a nut every now and then. The thumping of the headboard is accompanied by her sweet voice moaning lowly in short staccato notes as the boyfriend appears to finally be doing something right.

The thumping comes to a halt, and John groans in frustration.

“Why’d you stop?” He can hear his pretty neighbor lament through the thin walls.

“Why the fuck are you being so loud? Trying to give the neighbor a show?”

John squints his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose in annoyance. The fucking muppet can’t do anything right.

If the neighbor was his, John wouldn’t give a fuck who heard. Let all the neighbors know that he could fuck the sense clear out of her pretty little head. John could show the muppet what loud is.

“No! I’m not trying to do anything- it just felt good,” she defends herself.

“Well, be quieter about it, no one needs to hear that. You sound like a whore,” the muppet snaps at her irritably, and John is nearly at his fucking limit when the god damn headboard starts to thump against the wall again.

“Get out.”

Oh.

John is impressed- pleasure and pride coursing through him as his sweet neighbor stands up for herself rather than letting that ungrateful swine continue to berate her.

Good fucking girl.

“What did you just say?” The thumping stops.

“You don’t get to call me names. Get off of me and get out.”

For all his sins, it seems even the muppet has a line he’s not willing to cross.

There’s a shifting as he presumably pulls out and gets off the bed- the words are muffled but the tone is clear. The muppet isn’t above laying into her verbally though consent is (smartly) a line he won’t toe.

And good thinking on his part- John would probably tear through the drywall and turn him into a chew toy had that conversation gone in any other direction.

The door slams loudly, announcing the boyfriend’s departure.

John can’t help but keep his attention on his neighbor to see what her reaction is going to be. It is taking every ounce of self control he has to not follow the boyfriend and wring his neck in the parking lot.

There’s no conventional guide for how to address this situation with your neighbor. ‘Hello, I’ve fancied you for quite some time and that ungrateful prick somehow swept you up before I got the nerve to ask you out. I've had to hear you have the most lackluster sex ever for the past several months, and equal parts want to check in on how you’re doing emotionally after his latest stunt, and also want to bend you over and pin you to the mattress until you’re squealing. May I come in?’

He can’t say he is too surprised to hear things slamming about in the apartment- his pretty neighbor sounding more pissed off than upset, catching snippets of “Who the fuck does he think he is, talking to me like that” and “Motherfucker couldn’t find my clit with a map and a headlamp but can find the audacity to call me names-”

Okay, John has to fight back the urge to laugh at that last one lest she hear him. She’s quite the viper when (finally) provoked, and it just endears her more to him.

She doesn’t appear particularly distraught, the slamming and huffing and muttering concluding with her tossing herself on the bed.

It’s a very common occurrence that after the neighbor’s rendezvous with her lazy boyfriend, John is treated to a show where she finishes herself off with her toys.

The boyfriend, like many inadequate men, is threatened by them and John has heard the snide remarks.

Hilarious, he finds it, that a man incapable of getting her off is so adamant that she gets rid of them.

She hasn’t listened, clearly, as the low sound of her vibrator can be heard through the wall.

John is soon graced with the sound of her panting moans. His cock stiffens in interest at her voice, which is a frequent occurrence. She makes such pretty noises, mewling and whimpering as she works herself up.

Tonight is a whirlwind of emotions for his pretty neighbor, and at the end of the day her no-good boyfriend left her high and dry.

John will gladly enjoy the consequences of the boyfriend’s actions, one hand wrapping around his cock and beginning to stroke in time with her whines.

What he wouldn’t give for a chance to make her see stars. He’d be so good to her.

The reality of his job makes dating a logistical nightmare, part of what stayed his hand for so long.

He’s not blind. His neighbor is kind and sweet with a killer smile and wandering eyes. He’s caught her more than once ogling him when he’s returned home in uniform, or more nondescript tactical clothing.

Feeling her gaze on him always makes him puff up with pride, enjoying holding her attention no matter how fleeting. If he takes his time after a run and makes a point to pull the hem of his shirt up to wipe at his brow where she can see it, that’s his business.

So John thinks he’s dreaming when he hears that lovely voice whimper his name from the other side of the wall.

He stiffens, quietly waiting to see if he hears it again.

“John- Oh, fuck- please,” is all he needs to hear before he’s well and truly lost any semblance of patience.

Only having the presence of mind to dress himself enough to not warrant any errant looks from the other neighbors, he is at her door in a second.

It’s only after he knocks that he realizes he may well have killed whatever momentum she’s built for herself- given her muttering as she approaches the door- but he fully intends to make up for the stolen release.

She opens the door without looking through the peephole, obviously expecting it to be the ex based on the vitriol poised to spill at John’s chest, approximately eye level with where the (hopefully ex) boyfriend would be.

Once again he has to stifle a laugh, finding her a comical vision when the anger on her face melts away as her eyes flick up to his face with the realization that it is him at the door and not the object of her ire.

“What are you doing here, John?” Christ, he’s always been a sucker for pretty doe eyes. If he held even an ounce less of restraint he’d be mounting her right here for everyone to see.

“I’m here to do what your sorry excuse of a boyfriend can’t.”

Even as he reaches out to pull her in for a kiss, he’s watching her body language- gauging if she stiffens or shifts away.

She doesn’t.

In fact, her arms loop behind him and pull him closer, tugging on his hair and his shirt.

John’s not wasting any more time than he already has, walking her backwards into the apartment and shutting the door with his foot before reaching back to lock it- he’s got no desire for any interruptions from wayward former boyfriends.

They separate for a moment as she paws at the hem of his shirt, clearly wanting it off of him. John is all too happy to oblige, preening under her attention. He’s always had the stockier build of a man who’s fitness came from utility in the field, opposed to the hard defined abs of someone who spends most of their time in the gym.

It’s cute, the way she has to pry her eyes up to his face- clearly liking what she sees and flustered by the fact that John can see her staring.

“I broke up with him,” she clarifies.

“Good,” is his simplistic response, although if John’s being honest with himself he doesn’t really care about the finer details. The little prick never deserved to have her and John finally has his chance to prove himself worthy.

“The bedroom’s this way,” she prompts between kisses.

Their clothes are peeled off in turns as they stumble towards the room. The layout is inverted to John’s own flat nextdoor, so despite having never stepped foot inside before he guides her to keep her from crashing into something behind her.

By the time they are collapsing against her bed, they’re stripped of everything except a scant thong on her and his own boxers.

She’s just so delightfully soft in his grip, John can’t keep his hands or his mouth off of her.

The feeling is reciprocated as she pushes up off the bed to grind against him. As much as he’s relishing in them dry humping and making out like teenagers, he’s wanted her for so long and now that she’s finally willing and pliant underneath him, he’s itching for a taste of her.

Kissing his way down her body- starting at her jaw, the column of her neck, across her collar bone, down her sternum; latching onto each nipple and teasing them to hardened peaks before continuing his path down.

He’s compelled by the urge to turn her into a chew toy as he reaches her belly, although he stifles that urge and keeps his teeth to himself.

He can’t quite resist giving a small nip as she squirms, clearly excited by the implication of where he’s heading.

There’s a damp spot on her underwear already as he kisses along the waistband while his hands tease with the elastic on either side of her hips.

The sound of her breath hitching in anticipation makes him smirk, attention drifting further south.

The fabric is in his way as he presses a kiss against her clothed cunt, gripping handfuls of her hips to keep her still as she bucks in his grasp.

“Easy, sweetheart- we’ve got all night,” he soothes before moving his attention up one thigh to the backside of her knee.

Those sweet thighs are splayed open for him, giving John unfettered access as he continues to tease.

“When’s this sweet cunt been eaten last, hm?”

He knows he’s heard her give that undeserving muppet head, but can’t recall any reciprocation occuring. There’s not much that can shock John at this point in his life, and he’s willing to roll the dice by dragging up her now-ex because he knows this poor thing hasn’t been eaten until she’s begging him off in ages.

“I couldn’t even begin to tell you,” she answers breathlessly, anticipating having her thighs twitching in his hold.

Out of the corner of his eye, John spies a torn condom wrapper that didn’t quite make it into the bin. Well that keeps him from having to ask two questions, then. Smart girl.

“What a shame,” he tsks lightly, peppering kisses back up and down her thigh.

Deciding that she’s waited long enough and he’s had his fun being a tease, John is quick to remove the scant lace and pull it off of her legs before tossing it to who-knows-where.

The sounds she makes as he makes a meal out of her is music to his ears. Each hitched moan and breathy whimper makes him stiffen in interest.

His attention shifts to focus on her clit, tongue circling the sensitive nub as his hands hold her hips in place.

As focused as he is on what’s right in front of him, it takes a moment for John to realize that she’s stifling her noises. One hand is fisting the sheets beneath her while the other is clamped across her lips.

Well. That simply won’t do.

The ex may have trained and shamed her into silence, but John didn’t make it as a military captain without learning how to break someone else’s bad habits.

He ignores her whimper of protest as he stops, one hand abandoning the softness of her hip in favor of grabbing her wrist and pulling her hand away from her mouth.

“None of that,” he admonishes gently, pressing a kiss to one thigh. “Let me hear you.”

“I-I’m too loud,” she protests and for a split second John sees red.

To his credit, he does not leave her wet and leaking on the bed to go bludgeon her ex to death with a blunt object.

“No such thing, sweetheart,” he soothes before having a thought to tease her. “Who are you worried is going to hear you?” He asks kindly, a shit eating grin as he speaks again, “the neighbor?”

Her wide eyed expression is thoroughly scandalized and John can’t fight the chuckle that escapes him.

He hasn’t released her wrist yet, deciding that it’s time to get back to his meal. If she abandons gripping the sheet with her free hand to cover her mouth again, he simply plans to hold both of her wrists.

It’s tentative at first, still not entirely trusting John at his word that he wants to hear her.

But John is all for positive reinforcement as a motivator, crooking his fingers to stroke that one spot that makes her see stars to encourage more from her.

She’s a quick study, although when she releases the sheet John is watching her like a hawk.

Rather than clasping over her mouth again, John is pleased when her fingers end up burying in his hair.

More than happy to let her guide him, John takes his cues from how she pulls at his hair. The feel of her thighs twitching as she breathes in staccato breaths is all the reward he needs.

“You’re getting close,” he says against her cunt, pointing out the obvious before getting back to work. She’s anxious, he thinks, the closer she gets to her climax. Poor girl doesn’t know what to do with herself with an orgasm she hasn’t had to put all the work into.

“D-don’t stop,” she stammers, rewarded immediately with John redoubling his efforts.

He’s not going to stop. Pretty thing like her deserves nothing less than laying on her back and enjoying getting her cunt eaten out.

“O-oh fuck,” is his only warning before she’s gushing on his face and John is like a kid on Christmas morning.

He doesn’t even know if she realizes she’s squirted, too caught up in the pleasure of her high.

He’s always thought it was hot- now that he knows his pretty neighbor is a squirter he is more than willing to get on his knees and pray to whoever is listening that this isn’t a one time event. He’ll do anything to get her to keep him.

Even as her high fades he doesn’t let up on her, continuing to work his middle and ring finger inside of her. All he wants is to see her cum- wants to see those eyes roll as she squeezes them shut in anticipation.

Despite pulling his face away from her wet pussy, he doesn’t leave her clit unattended for long before his thumb is gently circling in time with the thrusts of his fingers.

Kissing his way back up her body, John can’t help but be pleased as she pulls him in to make out with him. Snatched gasps and bucks of her hips grace his ears as he works her from orgasm to the next, the wet sound of his palm slapping against her.

“John Im gonna cum again,” she whimpers in warning.

He feels like a god with the way she stares up at him reverently, eyes wide and desperate for another climax.

“Come on,” he goads, “Show me- let me see your face when you cum.”

Christ if her leg twitches any harder it’s going to start vibrating, serving to only encourage him.

“O-oh,” she mewls, “God- don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t-“ she’s pleading with him like he wouldn’t sit at her feet if she asked him to.

The bewildered look on her face is darling, and John nearly finishes untouched; he's so wound up it’s not going to take much.

A few choice thoughts keep his own eminent climax at bay and buys him enough breathing room. She bucks and trembles in his hold, a high pitched squeal escaping her as he proves not only can he make her cum twice, but he can make her squirt like a faucet twice.

As soon as she’s starting to come down from her high she’s pulling at him, drawing up her knees to spread her legs in invitation.

“Greedy girl,” he teases as he kisses her- wet fingers abandoning her cunt in favor of manhandling her, wrapping her legs around his waist as he positions himself.

“Please, please, please-“ she begs so prettily for him, pleading for him to do exactly what he’s been fantasizing about for months.

He’s not a small man and mindful of that fact, but she’s well prepped and takes him easily. The desperate whimper that escapes her sears into John’s memory.

The buildup of everything finally gets to him as he wastes no time setting a steady pace.

“That’s it, sweetheart, just like that. Let me hear you,” he encourages as she cants her hips in time with his, whines of pleasure escaping her on each thrust.

“John, please,” she begs, eyebrows furrowing in pleasure as she watches where they’re joined.

“Eyes up here,” he instructs and Christ he almost loses it when her gaze flicks from between their bodies up to his face.

His hands find hers, fingers lacing together as he lowers his torso in order to kiss the ethereal creature underneath him.

She whimpers into his mouth, her sounds only encouraging John.

Everything about her is warm and inviting, from her soft skin to her warm cunt and the way she sings for him at every thrust.

Maneuvering them so he can grip both her wrists with one of his hands, the other immediately dives between their bodies to find her clit again.

His pretty neighbor has spent months not having an orgasm she didn’t give herself, and John is determined to prove to her that he can give her as many as she can handle.

“John I can’t cum again,” she pleads even as her thighs shake on either side of him.

“Yes you can,” he assures her. “One more time for me, yeah?”

Now, should she insist she’s done and satisfied then John would leave her clit alone and finish up their fun. As it is, though, she nods in acquiescence before the trembling in her thighs increases.

“Good girl,” he praises, fingers continuing their steady pace around her clit as she creeps closer to the edge.

She’s babbling in his ear as he presses a kiss to her temple and he knows she’s almost there.

“Good girl,” he praises again, a cocksure grin pulling at the corners of his lips at her immediate response.

“My good girl,” he ups the ante, testing her response to John staking a claim on her. And God did it ever work. That last little bit is all it takes to finally tip her over.

She clenches down on him like a vice and John immediately loses it, groaning low as the haze of his orgasm washes over him.

It’s everything he wants- she’s everything he wants as he recovers enough from his climax to finally notice that the bed is an utter mess beneath them.

It’s not his immediate concern however, more interested in soothing her through the come down of her high. She’s shivering underneath him, eyes glossy from the intensity of her last orgasm.

“Easy, sweetheart,” he murmurs reassuringly. “Just breathe for me.”

He gathers her up in his arms, listening as her heartbeat relaxes in time with his own.

Eventually when enough time passes she’s more alert and happily snuggling against his chest. After giving her a chance to rest he herds her along to the bathroom so she doesn’t give herself a UTI. She tries to brush him off but her legs are taking their sweet time cooperating again.

Of course, she’s not exactly a recruit taking a piss test so he gives her her privacy and she’s able to return on her own albeit on shaky legs.

John pets at her head idly, attention drifting in post coital bliss as his hand strokes down along her back.

“I can’t believe you’re actually in my bed,” she giggles deliriously after a stretch of quiet.

“Only reason I wasn’t here sooner was because of that muppet,” he assures her. He doesn’t want her thinking that this is a one time thing for him. He’s wanted her for so long he can’t possibly be expected to turn her loose at the end of the night.

“I only dated him because I didn’t think you liked me,” she scoffs at herself.

“Oh, it was nearly the first moment I laid eyes on you. But with my work I kept talking myself out of doing anything,” he tells her. “Kept telling myself you deserve better. And then you brought the muppet home and kept him around,” John grouses good naturedly at her. “Think they say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.”

“I plead temporary insanity,” she jokes, snuggling closer against his chest. “But I got rid of him. And you finally made your move.”

He hums in agreement, sleep pulling at him now that he has her tucked up against his side.

John doesn’t remember falling asleep but he wakes with a jolt to the sound of pounding on her door.

He’s only been out for an hour or so when he checks the clock on the nightstand, his neighbor sprawled out next to him.

Well, now he knows she snores. The sound is light enough to have never heard it through the wall, but curled up next to him she’s like a cat purring loudly in his ear.

And he’s exceptionally pissed right off at the fact someone has woken him up. Especially considering he has one guess who it is.

He fully debates answering the door buck ass naked to teach the prick a lesson about banging on doors after midnight but settles on tossing his joggers on.

Much like when she opened the door for John, the ex is automatically trained at where her head would be rather than looking at John’s face.

“My eyes are here,” he quips sarcastically. “Why the fuck are you banging on the door this late.”

“Why th-“ the ex starts to parrot back before cutting himself off. “Why the fuck are you in her apartment? Why isn’t she answering?”

“She’s asleep,” John answers simply. There’s no obligation to explain the why and how he ended up in her apartment.

“What the fuck do you mean she’s asleep? How is she asleep after she just dumped me? And why the fuck are you here?”

The boyfriend (the ex boyfriend, he thinks with glee) is either oblivious or…

Well. The ex boyfriend is oblivious. Let’s just keep it at that.

“I’m here because you can’t do your job right. She’s asleep because I can. What part of that is confusing?”

“That stupid slag’s been fucking you behind my back-“

“No.” John is somewhat mindful of not giving a full on “screaming at recruits” bellow, but his voice booms into the corridor outside the apartment anyway. “You watch your fucking mouth. This” John gestures vaguely at his own presence in her flat, “just happened after she dumped you. You don’t get to hurl insults.”

“She hopped off of my cock and straight to yours- what the fuck else is it?”

“You couldn’t get her off,” John hisses in annoyance. “I’ve had front row seats to your shitty little performance more than once. Not 5 minutes after you leave and she’s having to handle it herself.”

“I can’t be expected to compete with a fucking vibrator!”

“Well I sure as shit didn’t need one to get the job done. Poor girl could barely get her legs to work to go to the loo and not give herself a UTI. Your skill issues are what started all of this.”

“You know what? Fucking have her. I don’t need this shit.”

Ah yes, because John needs the ex’s permission to date a newly single woman. Absolutely. That’s entirely how that works.

“Never needed your blessing. Now fuck off. I’m trying to sleep.”

The ex responds with a two finger salute as he spins on his heel and storms off.

John is almost tempted to grab him by the back of his neck and turn him into a chew toy. Given his military career, his patience for muppets giving him attitude is virtually nonexistent.

But the siren call of his pretty neighbor is a stronger pull than the muppet can ever hope to achieve. John’s succeeded in his mission to run the prick off, and he’s going to try to get a few more hours of sleep before seeing if she’s interested in another romp in the morning when she wakes up.

The bedroom is dark and poorly lit but John immediately picks up on the silence.

Rather than being sprawled out and snoring like when he left her, she’s quiet and curled into a ball.

She’s awake.

“Sweetheart?” He calls softly.

She jolts, fabric rustling from the sheets falling off her as she sits up.

“You’re still here,” the surprise in her tone cuts, although he knows she didn’t mean for it to.

She seems to realize how that comes across and clarifies further, “I- I heard the door shut.”

It falls into place for him then- she woke up to the sound of the door and John nowhere to be found. She thought he’d left.

“Oh, sweetheart,” he consoles, making his way back to the bed. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily,” he assures her while gathering her back into his arms.

Sleep comes back readily once the two of them are situated back in the bed.

Come morning, John’s got the patience and the presence of mind to throw a towel on the bed. He finds out for himself that his neighbor makes the prettiest noises with her arse propped up in the air and her face still buried in her pillow.

He can’t help but laugh later when she texts him that one of the neighbors made a noise complaint.

Age in bio/pinned or I will block you ♡

[shortkingkirk]

Take a shot every time vampire bill fucks up

[hebescus]

take a shot everytime an audio from dn tiktok being used by everyone in tiktok

[benevolenticeprincess]

Drinking game idea: take a shot every time a character in The Witcher says “destiny”

[fantrollology]

cary fucking LOVES ppl hes not very communicative or loud or social but he loves his house being full of people doing whatever. makin sure ppl dont get alcohol poisoning. making one pot meals at like 3 am. he aint good at talking but he will lend an ear to whoever hes so non judgemental and just chill. hes not really for Public stuff bc he likes to know ppls names. hes really good at remembering names and faces. you’ll go to his party three months ago and youll come back and he’ll be like. i like what you did w ur hair. hands u a beer

[arsenymph]

new drinking game

take a shot every time mrs.lovett says “dear” or “love” in sweeney todd.

[yourparanormalbf]

Winter Solstice with the Fae

The winter solstice is the shortest day (and wildest party) of the year. The fae, whose magic is responsible for the changing of the seasons, drink, dance, and eat all night long. After enough drinking, there are other things they decide to do with the cover of night. In fact, a good old solstice bash lasts more than a day.  

This holiday represents multiple things for the fae. On one hand, the darkest day of the year is a celebration of light and love. Why? Because after this day, the days begin to get longer, and the sun returns slowly. The winter solstice is considered a rebirth of light.  

On the other hand, the winter solstice this year will be on December 21st. It is around the same time every year, before the depth of winter truly hits. This feast is a last hurrah before what will inevitably be a dark, cold, starving season. In the age of stainless steel refrigerators and international shipping, the winter season is not the death knell it used to be. However, the root of the feast remains the same.  

The dual natures of the holiday manifest as a celebration of life on earth—past, present, and future. It is a celebration of rebirth and a connection with the ancestors.  

It is also a great time for a fae to introduce a human to other fairies. The winter solstice is a joyous occasion. All are in a good mood, and they are forgetful from the wine and mead. Additionally, the fairy celebration is a time to spread love to friends and family, and you will be quickly enveloped in that loving energy.  

The celebration will begin with the fair folk doing rituals and dances to summon the sun back to the sky. You might see a lot of bright, glowing magic during this time. Helpful tip: pack sunglasses and sun screen.  

Then, they will decorate their homes with colors and plant life. They don’t do this as carefully and meaningfully as humans do during the same season. They just kind of fling magic everywhere. Watch your head, and be ready to duck out of the way of flying holly.  

Finally, before the feast, the fae worship their lost ones. This usually translates to leaving offerings in shrines, decorating the graves and occasionally actually communing with the dead. You will see ghosts, and fairy ghosts can look somewhat alarming, but try not to react. The ghosts like to help decorate. This is the most interesting time for a human being to observe, because fairy are a long, long-lived species, and their dead either fell in battle or literally got so ancient they just turned to dust. You will see costumes you never imagined when the ghosts rise. Be every bit as polite and jolly with them as you would the living.  

The fae do another ritual, this time to help shepherd the nature spirits into their hibernation for the winter. This dance is slower and more peaceful than the original one calling to the sun, and they will do it as the night begins to fall. You might be invited to join these dances, but it will be all right for you to decline if you would rather. These rituals are important, and the fae won’t take it hard if you chose not to be part of it. If you would like to participate, though, let your boyfriend know in advance so he can teach you some steps.  

It should be very dark night by this point. You will be both exhausted and starving, which is good because a feast fit for the gods is next. In fact, you may meet a few gods there. Try to avoid them. They tend to be sociopaths. If you are forced to interact, be polite and be honest. Most gods are ancient in their morality and may be offended if you don’t immediately bow, and you want to be better safe than sorry.  

There are more courses to this feast than you can count, so only eat what looks delicious. If you are vaguely curious about something, but not truly tempted, give it a pass. You don’t want to fill up on food that you don’t like when there is a mouth-watering plate on its way.  

Also, mind the wine. The liquor the fae drink is not meant for the human constitution. Hell, sip your drink out of a thimble, or make your boyfriend responsible for your glass. You did not come to the land of the fairies to die of alcohol poisoning your first night.  

The depth of the night is spent on a good party. It will be considered rude if you don’t dance a little bit during this period. Don’t worry, though, that one thimble full of fairy mead will help your courage. The whole point of this celebration is to enjoy life and love others. Do both.  

Also, make sure to discuss monogamy with your boyfriend ahead of time. The feasts can get a little wild, and you should both lay out how you feel about flirting.  

As the sun begins to rise, the fae officially end the celebration the way they started it. They do a ritual dance to rebirth the sun and welcome the new days. There will be the equivalent of fairy fireworks. You’ll have a blast.  

[skylordhorus]

take a shot every time u see an old white person in the house of lords

[tlcyellow]

merlin s1 ep4 the poisoned chalice

- nimueh is still gorgeous

- who wrote these spells and how did she deliever them with a straight face

- nimueh/kara did the Fakest fall in front of merlin and they have like a meet cute moment and gaius is just there watching the ENTIRE TIME. hes a terrible wingman

- merlins "official servant outfit" is incredible and he should wear it 24/7

- "shes pretty for a princess let alone a handmaiden" merlin i know youre new to like interacting with women but that was a really ugly thing to say

- arthur just wants to drink his alcohol bayard shut up

- aw arthur wants to drink the poison to save merlin this is SO GAY

- all arthur does is complain about merlin and the second hes in trouble hes like "I GOTTA GATHER MY KNIGHTS. I GOTTA YELL AT MY DAD. I GOTTA DRAMATICALLY LEAN ON A WALL. I GOTTA SNEAK OUT ON MY OWN. I WILL SAVE YOU MERLINNN"

- KATIE MCGRATH IS SO GORGEOUS FUCK

- (about merlin) "hes getting hotter" ur damn right gwen. hotter with each episode.

- merlin mumbling arthurs name in his sleep?? beautiful

- merlin is now practically moaning arthurs name in his sleep. yall are doing a really good job of keeping this Strictly Heterosexual. keep it up

- the cgi is terrible but bradley james is so pretty

- nimueh is all "i'll show you where the morteus flower is" and the fucking horse neighs like hes on to her and thinks shes a liar. that horse is the real star of this episode

- "who are you??" *removes hood in slow motion* "the last face youll ever see" im laughing out loud who wrote this dialogue

- okay remember like two episodes ago when it took merlin all damn night to turn a stone dog into a real dog but now in five seconds hes suddenly able to cast spells that affect people several miles away??

- merlin is sweaty and moaning "faster. go faster" and im sorry i dont know how im supposed to interpret this in a way that isnt at least a tiny bit sexual

- god uther is such a fucking asshole i hate him so much jesus christ i cannot reiterate it enough

- gwen's like "im gonna sneak into the dungeon" and gaius is like "no thats so dangerous!!!!!" but she just pretends shes bringing food to him and is immediately let in with zero issue

- merlin who? gaius is the only warlock i know

- so they do this whole fake "hes stopped breathing oh no hes dead!!!!!!" but idk who was gonna fall for this when we're four episodes in and the show is named after him

- omg i FORGOT THAT GWEN AND MERLIN KISSED EW

- im realizing this as arthurs telling uther what went down in the cave. so nimueh was like "its not your destiny to die at my hand" but still sent a bunch of spiders and shit that, had they gotten him, would have definitely killed him or at least made him fall into the ravine and he would have died that way. so??? what the fuck.

- uther is randomly nice for exactly no reason and has learned zero lessons bc he'll be an unbearable bastard in the next episode i guarantee

- arthurs studded jacket is amazing. this boy is serving looks every episode

next episode: lancelot

[falconsandfishes]

platonic relationship

i have a bone to pick with plato. see the socratic method is basically the scene in montynpython in which a woman is weighed against a peice of wood to determine if she is a witch. and this is pretty much also the measurement system women use for me judge a cardio junkie by his ability to withstand smoke fumes. ive been up all night listening to eminem because i wish that i had the mysogny that he had because logically i should be mad at these females who lie to me but apparently developmentally theyre limited. 

so pretty much i just want my neck not to hurt and my side and platonic love isn really the kind which could support my lumbar spine but if you think im angry you are right and maybe if i rhyme my brain will work this time and ill finally be able to explain was never targeted at my objects of affections at all i like to walk around the mall see a cutie with a skirt on and she sees me looking at her tells her grandmother to leave her there because this place looks fun as she smiles at me there comes abu my friend who judges me and judges you and as i stare at her i can tell she wants me too probably more emotionally mature than my mom and a virgin with her skirt on and its workun but i have the confidence of a plastic bag floating in the wind shes cheesing while i hide behind her even though shes 4 11 and im 6 4 and because he was there i didnt pass because i dont cross paths but even thinking about having a girlfriend makes him mad. if shes too young for me i would have figured that out but it doesnt help that no matter how young or how old even the weather lady im told shes not right for me so will you make up your mind please can someone define maturity because apparently there is a reverse correlation between it and age and socrates was no sage im not really impressed that he drank poison similarly i smoke weed which takes me back to age three and birthday parties then i think about how much my life failed but only because everyone always stood in front of me. so snitch on me when i talk to you when youre in front of me at your desk and say your story about butterflies is the best begging middle and end. meawhile i havent even gotten to the first page of my legend of the sword it had a much more compliated plot which was cut off. then tell me i didnt count to tenthousand while you were listening to the teacher say the is spelled t h e and put me in a remedial reading class with a bunch of girls and address us as the girls so we can read books about a mouse who lives with his family in a house but if girls and boys are the same how can you explain i was the only one in that group to be bumped up to the advanced on by 2nd grade. i guess reading the encylopedia of animals wasnt a wase memorized their latin names bufo sativa phylobates. so by third grade i was getting so good at math that they took me out of class and had me testing material meant for 5th graders and it was really lame how can i explain all the flaws in the system to all the other people who were also ruined by it.

finally one girl who was definitely old enough for me waved at me when i looked at her and i got a boner and walked over to the ladies at the tea shop who looked at me with a disgusted look on their faces then some gangster looking dude older than i am replaces me with his hand on her shoulder.

before i was 18 i could beat up my dad and ever since then i knew not many people in my generation had much of a chance against me but i looked so thin they were not understanding. high iq causing depression have anothe smoke session even though you have athsma everyone remember to complain that i prefer to get high off one big hit i stayed in high school till i graduated but i left.

unfortunately with brain damage i could still make straight as which made me think i was ok gpa jumping above 3.68 when i only show up an agerage of 3 days.

practice your sky hook do your pushups get embaressed when an asian princess sees you do them 20 hanlaps perfect form and im not even a jock wow id better stop. next thing the girl i like is sitting on my lap in class telling me she likes me back shes sitting on my desk shes rubbing my face my life isnt gay justnsaynsomehing and youll get laid.

nah ill let some kid with adhd steal her seat and ill help him with math instead because i didnt tell her this but im alread braindead. my soul probably died with my pet lizard or my kitten perhaps it was internet addiction. 

what makes you think youll be make it as a porn star? you know im hot. well maybe i just didnt want you to act like a slut. i still remember the blonde who waves at me and smiled my freshman year it was clear that the world was my oyster the only problem was i couldn make my own choices.

i wanted to be an actor but i was so good at acting nobody got it. was so good at debating everyone liked to argue. was so succinct couldnt get the last word. so fast nobody would pass me the ball so dominant in wrestling i had to pretend i couldnt win just to have a friend.

pretty much i feel like the last cro magonon stuck on an island without charlotte saisselin bounce baby bounce three story house you look so cute in a blouse. hey look theres charlottes stalker i think il wave my arms around.

bounce baby is a reference to eigth grade i was watching a 100 meter race and then some black guy said that she never raced again. weed turned her from a goth into a wigger and after that i figured id become one too but it wasnt till 2009 i started to dress like you. what happened was i got some clothes from olympia sports to wear as warmups on the basketball court and to work as a salesman i shaved my head smiled knowing i was dead but still i couldnt even say i wanted to kiss  girl without that not being cool enough for my nephew and her bowl broke too

it fell from her car on the pavement and she said that he didnt even get to hit it.

so now im living in my dads room on the floor and finally my back isnt sore i have a well paying job im away from mom i have iron lungs and dad still doesnt approve because now i play too much basketball.

hi im interested in going to california. i meant connecticut but califonia will do since its warm there. sure steve come on out west but read the fine print your 20s are dead.

prove you wrong shame on me. dont prove you wrong brag proudly. stay out west and let your dad die. watch him act like an asshole at home back east one more time. your reward for having surived on the street for years as a middle clas kid

your friend says he thought you were dead. by the way he has this girlfriend in connectiut. oh you were the one who set him up with her? theres a whole website or three centered around her? 

better get you to spend your money on heroin and make you seem like a jerk in front of my dad. my excuse is im skitzophrenic.

all because my dad shamed me for growing up even crazier than him. thats why i called up my friend and asked him to date my girlfriend. 

there must have been something in those amphetamines which made me keep stopping at her house. i found them up on the shelf years after i tried to spill them out.

it was the first time an adult had ever called me immature. he also said my handwriting was bad and i needed a cure. talking to him i began to get red where even to begin? i have a lot of prblems at home and this isnt fair. see my dad camps in the yard and gets drunk watches us through windows andmy sister punches me in the head. mom pretty much works till shes in bed.

every day she watches the same soap opera and oprah which i record for her on tape. my sisters friends call me gay so i go over and play with the kids from the other neighorhood all day. 

one of them listens to a lot of eminem. his favorite song is if you dont like it you can suck my dick. hes in reform school and proud to be off his meds. when i talk about biking down a steep hill and blending into traffic he thinks i meannliterall blend in.

two gay twin brothers end of the road honor roll kids. play baseball and have alcoholic parents. hey ill tell the girl steve likes he likes her then she will never talk to him again. accept his chalenge to a fight and he will bang my head into a tree which is the same thing i did to another kid who tried to jump me but got sperated from his friends. 

refuse to dance with the only girl in middle school who has hips. make fun of the girls intelligence who sits next to you in math and has giant tits. refuse to eat candy off the first girls tounge then your science teacher who pushed pills on you flips on the tv its 911

stare at a girl all day and say you dont like her. girls think youre gay if you have a boner. telll me a calculator doesnt mattrer for a test but i do worse without one. make a flag pencil it isnt cool enough for the other kids.

sit with the retarded kids timmy and jimmy. watch nick all night fresh prince and bill cosby.

your sister wont stop torturing you so hold her at knife point. buy knives at school try to resell them and for the first time ever the kids you sold them to ge caught witth knives.

stay in the program with three teachers who gave up on you. one leaves to become a dean suddenly your grades go up. kids are jealous because you dont do homework. girls smile at you knowing that your test scores are high despite that.

throw shotput as far as a high school kid without any exercise or practice. run around the track dozens of times in pants you still arent good enough yet.

go to an alternative program reluctantly in high school its sort of like jail. everyone smells like cigarettes the air is stale. this isnt good for you but we will make you think if you leave you will fail.

[mydivinepunishment]

As a s**c*d*l person who's attempted atleast 3 times i truly think, Yuki Yoshida wanted to die and had been thinking about it a lot. One day it just hit him too hard, those days when it hits you too hard its like a compulsion that you ought to. Now is the time, nothing will get better. If you survive that urge or those days, youll be fine tomorrow. Its just that some people actually get successful, and many of us don't, we either hold off the urge with herculean strength, like the way i was holding the bed rails one night in university when all i could think about was standing on the edge of our 6th floor balcony, or sometimes the tie breaks and you fall down because you couldnt find something else other than that. Sometimes you are so filled with grief you dont even realise you are doing it, like the time you gave yourself acute alcohol poisoning which could have been worse if not for your parents finding you lying on the bathroom floor foaming at your mouth. Drinking bottles of cough syrup, or trying to drown yourself in a bucket full of water, even the stupider ones.

These are all personal experiences i have based my thoughts upon, it could be different for people but this is how its been for me and ive never really had the bravery to voice these out, the latest event was 2021 because my dog was going to die and im not sure till when till when i must feel this way.

I know life is beautiful sometimes and sometimes its ugly and i have no dreams to hold into not any hopes.

But i just thought, i just thought and i hope Mafuyu doesnt think Yuki Yoshida died for him. He didnt. He didnt.

I wanna tag this given anime but i dont want anyone to feel this way. Or to even know how it feels. But maybe then i do because im still posting it somewhere.

[carcinized]

Awh- spending time with family is honestly always the best :D mine is kinda spread out everywhere in entirely different parts of the country so we dont see each other often, but it makes it even greater when we do :D also!! Portland sounds so lovely— ive always wanted to go see the northwest tbh— its the only region i havent been in and looks so pretty!! And oh g o d yeah no that wouldnt be great—- it i s really cool to be up high and look around tho!!!

Also, blinks, dolphins get drunk off of w h a t???

aww yeah :D seeing family that lives far away is always rlly nice :] portland is nice!! its a bit. hdshsdfhhd right now but even despite that its just nice yk? and its so insanely accepting- when we got an airbnb there over the summer one of the houses in the neighbourhood was flying a trans flag and my dad and i walked to a drag shop and i bought gay socks JSJSJSDJG

everywhere you go theres pride and its just so lovely <3 we WERE also there in pride month though so JSDFJDJDSFJ i actually got to spend my birthday there and it RAINED it was so nice aaaa <3 i love portland a LOT

and the northwest is rlly nice !!! im a west coast kinda gal (i grew up in california so SJJSDFJ) and its just so nice over here <333 one of my favourite things is how the landscapes reach up into the sky because everything is hilly, versus like texas or something where everything is flat. looks cool at night when things are flat though, becuase theres more room for stars :] but during the day i like the mountainy landscapes more <3

and pufferfish poison <3 they take it in small amounts, which makes them drunk! just like humans, actually. alcohol is just a small amount of poison, hence if you have like 100% alcohol (basically hand sanitizer LOL) youll die

[inexplicablymypetcat]

Listen i hate standard advice in things so heres a bunch of random advice to apply to your life as seems appropriate: Listen. This sucks. That sucks. I suck. U dont suck but like. Your life sucks. Idk. Theres probably like. Another fish or something somewhere. Idk. Fuck. I hate fish. Or maybe there isnt! Maybe youll never find love again. Who cares. Eat lots of sushi youll get mercury poisoning and die faster. Set something on fire. Tell him/her/them how you feel so he knows where yall stand. Fuck his/her/their friends, if they're cute. Remember to cry lots Find detergent u like because ur gonna spend lots of time in bed crying and detergent will make that less smelly Try to exfoliate and moisturize? Crying and sleeping all day suk for your skin, and you wanna feel and look your best on days when you are feeling good enough to go out. Joke abut killing urself but make sure your friends know you are joking If you actually wanna kill yourself, make sure people know you arent joking Is your calculator set in radians or degrees? Make sure to check. Take your shoes off before you do that thing. Just ask them out. If they reject you, at least you wont have spent months pining over them beforehand. Just break up with them. Dont proofread texts. Ever. This shows weakness and the creatures in the shadows can sense when you are weak Go rock climbing with a friend. Like right now. Tomorrow at the latest. If you meet someone with very different politics than yours who you dont like, you arent obligated to just put up with them to be tolerant. Unfriend and unfollow. If you meet someone with very different politics who you DO like. Be their friend. Talk politics. Learn why they think what they do. A pro life person recently offered to take me to a clinic if i ever needed to make a reproductive choice he didnt strictly approve of--he said he would beat off any would-be harassers and protesters with his own pro life talking points until they got confused and left "Look, the fact of the matter is that abortion is legal right now. Nobody has any business telling you you cant get one. And if you feel like its your best choice for taking care of yourself, im not going to judge you for it or talk you out of it. Just promise me you wont take the metro across town alone next time." Literally crying Everybody needs one friend who literally doesnt care about anything and just wants to play games and skip class. Everybody needs one friend who stays up late and one friend who gets up early. Cover your bases. Everybody needs one religious friend and one atheist/agnostic friend. That doesnt try to change your mind or show you the error of your ways. Send voicemails i fucking love voicemails. And SAVE THAT SHIT. If someone sends you a voicemail, keep it. Always. Email your professor. Now. Stop putting it off. Go tO THE DOCTOR JFC Dont stop inviting your depressed friends to parties. "Nah fuck that. You arent at falt for his smoking habit. Nicotine problems come from within." Stay friends with your exes, if they are good people. They can become best friends. Watch gossip girl with your ex boyfriend. Joke about how much of a slut you are. Enjoy how much of a slut you are. Make fun of people who treat you like its a bad thing. Tell cute gay girls they have beautiful limbal rings Wear fancy dresses Start a side blog Dont get involved in tumblr discourse unless you have the next four hours of your life free Dont go on second dates if you didnt LOVE the first one. Cocktails with duck fat are really good and have lots of alcohol be careful but like also.... drink up they are SO GOOD holyshit

[thatunhealthysideblog]

“You should try the Carnivore Diet!”

I had a friend (nurse by background) very enthusiastically try to persuade me to try the Carnivore Diet. He said that he heard of many people experiencing digestive issues that had gone on this diet and had been “cured”. 

“Its fine! Just try it for a couple weeks and see if you feel better. If youre that desperate to fix your GI distress, then youll try it.” 

He even went so far as to offer me a ride to a local store where I could buy meat in bulk and assist me with choosing meats (Im not super well-versed in cuts of pork or beef). This friend obviously had my best interest in mind (appreciated) but I was inclined to take some time to do research before jumping in.

First, I feel that I have to explain a couple things:

When I reference any sort of rules in the diet, I am referencing dietary rules I found on this site. It had the best laid-out overview of what was involved in the Carnivore Diet.

I am not a nutritionist/dietician. I say this because some of my reasoning below may be vague in a dietary sense; that is only because its not my field of study.

Most of the “evidence” I found in favour of the diet was  anecdotal. The site I referenced above is supposedly written by a “doctor”, but this same doctor on another page of his site firmly states that all plant products are extremely poisonous. Ok then...

People were claiming that the Carnivore Diet resolved a variety of health issues, mainly GI-related or assisted in losing weight. The diet is high in protein, obviously. One is forced to remove certain foods from their diet that could (for some) otherwise cause issues: alcohol, coffee, dairy, salt- or sugar- heavy products, carbs. From the info I gathered, the diet claims to regulate blood sugar, contains only fresh (not processed) foods, and is a structured diet with very little room for compromise. Theres also less food-waste involved - removing produce removes the likelihood of it rotting in one’s fridge after a few days. The site I referenced recommends eliminating foods in “levels”; every thirty days, remove a certain amount of foods from ones diet, down to the purest form of the carnivore diet: salt, water, and beef.

I chose the word “eliminating” very intentionally. I didnt realize when my friend initially brought this idea up that the diet is an elimination diet. In general, those that have gone on the diet “adjust” down the the purest form of the diet, stay at that level for short-term, and then typically reintroduce foods back into their diet that dont cause weight gain or GI distress. I can see how this would be helpful - I in theory could find out what foods are triggers for my GI distress. 

However, theres a slight problem. Those that are familiar with my blog would know that I am sensitive to red meats. Red meats, the cornerstone of this diet, cause me distress when eaten in high amounts. In fact, eating a more plant-based diet has regulated my symptoms more than eating a lot of meat. I could see my friend saying to me that perhaps my body would adjust and I could reap the benefits of this diet, but there were draw-backs beyond just that.

I think what made me most wary of this diet was the fact that I am currently undiagnosed. I dont know whats wrong with my digestive system, so I dont know how my body processes certain foods or how it would react to a diet of purely red meats. I didnt find any stories of people that take prescriptions on the diet - I wonder if eating just meat or going through the dramatic dietary readjustments influences the way one’s body processes certain medications. I dont know if Id develop any deficiencies... people on the diet say that meat provides all the nutrients and goodies you need, but I think thats impossible. The restriction of the diet is problematic for me because the diet would become very boring. My relationship with food is already fairly poor - to then reduce my diet down to meat and water would have an even bigger impact on my relationship with food. I couldnt just go out and eat with friends or have people over for meals. These two psychological impacts would likely result in my eating over time decreasing dramatically or having to force-feed myself which I assume you could deduce the further impacts of respectively.

From the anecdotes online of people going on the diet, the adjustment period for the diet is at least several months, including intense withdrawal and adjustment symptoms. For some, this process seemed more trouble than it was worth. This diet also seems to require some dedication financially. Where I live, red meats are quite expensive. To make matters worse, the purest form of the diet requires one to eat nothing but grass-fed beef - expensive and hard to find. 

Overall, I chose not to try the Carnivore Diet. Although there seem to be convincing results for people experiencing various forms of GI distress, there seem not to be any solid studies on the diet or its long-term affects, just anecdotes. On a personal level, I believe the chances of me getting very sick (physically and mentally) trying this diet are higher than the diet improving my health. I think I could very possibly develop an eating disorder trying this diet, considering my current mental health combined with dramatic dietary restriction.

This is not a diet that you can simply pick up and try for “a couple weeks”. I think it requires a lot of consideration and planning beforehand and a lot of dedication and willpower during.

Below the break: I found these videos informative during my research...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFPy3BOGXU4 (he also did a few update videos as he continued on the diet)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYSV6908YME

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6602MqTCdo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSeU1o-yo98

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N39o_DI5laI (Mikhaila Peterson speaking about the diet)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L2eU96vCCFU 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2palyaEinGA 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VF-jZd_j2iA

[trendyelle]

What To Eat For Clear Skin& What Foods Will Wreak Havoc On Your Face

If youre anything like me, someone who is a full-grown adult considers their body like a trashcan, then you discern the daily skirmish that is doing whatever the fuck you want while at the same time wanting to have a great person and great surface. Lifes hard whether it wishes to get fucked up at Governors Ball but also look 100 years old in your Instagram story. Not that I would know. I did not go to Gov Ball, though I did expend the weekend going through mimosas like water and gobbling sufficient food to get me my own TLC reality show. That being said, I want to change. I want to be a brand-new me. A better me. A me who throws actual vitamins and minerals into her arrangement so her skin doesnt resemble the entire slice of pizza she ate last-place night. So heres a directory of meat you should forestall like an ex-boyfriend sliding into your DMs and foods you should embrace because theyll fasten your fucking face. Damn, Ive get bars. DONT: Devour Canned Food/ Meats Gross. As if. Like, who even snacks canned fleshes anymore? Other than my ex from college who had this weird preoccupation with eating vienna sausages( which, in hindsight, should have been a cherry-red fucking flag that this child was a sociopath. That and his Belk credit card that he was always bragging about ). Canned and/ or highly processed foods have a shit ton of sodium in them and stimulates your torso to hold on to ocean, which is why your face is always puffy or you have pouched under your eyes that can be seen from room, and your acne is at World War III proportions. DO: Eat Salmon Aside from giving you a reason to pretend to be a foodie and too be hateful on Instagram, eating salmon is a sure space to get better looking surface. Salmon is rich with omega-3 fatty acids and healthy fatties. These fats reinforce cell membranes and nourish the surface to exclude you searching fresh AF. DONT: Drink Green Juice Lol just because you frequently say shit like #FitLife and #CleanEating on your IG does not mean you know wtf is good for you, because SURPRISE all those juices youre boozing to purify your body are actually truly fucking bad for you. Juices are sugary as inferno, especially the light-green juices which is capable of have up to 50 grams of carbohydrate in them, which is actual destruction when it comes to having clear skin. ^ I suspect every fitstagrammer when the catch out they’ve been spouting liquid carbohydrate into their tabernacles bodies DO: Booze A Protein Smoothie Aside from having something to talk about with the hot tutor at your gym, protein smoothies can actually be beneficial for your skin. The more you are familiar. Remain away from the juicer smoothies and opt for one with some protein in it. These types of smoothies are high in healthy paunches and wont leave your surface searching more ratchet than your Snap story last weekend. DONT: Eat Ice Cream Okay, this one I visualized coming. Good-for-nothing that savours this good can be anything but destruction on your person. And since Im not on my age rn in control of my figure I suspect Im open to suggestions here. Ice cream is chock-full of sugar which is capable of figure this fun thing called advanced glycation end products which fucks up the protein in your form. Why is that important you may ask? Because the proteins it fucks with “the worlds largest” are the ones that keep your skin plump and springy searching. So mostly dining ice cream is age you.* paces into oncoming transaction* DO: Eat Dark Chocolate Dark chocolate aka the DUD of chocolates has a fuck ton of antioxidants in it, which is v good for your surface. So even though it savours health and the whole time youll be pleasing you two are dining real chocolate with real flavor at the least your skin will seem good AF and be protected against wrinkles and other bad shit. DONT: Drink Coffee HA HA HA HA this has to be some sort of sick joke. You want me to give up my will to live caffeine? Do you also want me to commit homicide the next time someone responds everyone to a department email chain? DO YOU? This one is tough for me to wrap my brain around because coffee is literally one of the only rationales I get out of bunked in the morning, and hence, the same reasons you get to experience this sparkling identity. That tell me anything, coffee is a diuretic( fake information Im sure !) which causes your mas to lose water and your skin to get v dehydrated. Stay away from this shit if you require glowy AF skin. DO: Drink Hot Lemon Water This replacement sounds about as good as the Republican plan for health care but thats neither here nor there. Even though the prospect of boozing red-hot lemon liquid know it sounds as enticing as sleeping with Jonathan The Tickle Monster, its actually super are you all right. Its hydrating, full of antioxidants, and holds some much needed support efforts to your liver. Apparently, the liver is the principal organ that detoxifies their own bodies and if youre full of poisons drinking on dates that objective in Y, youre more likely to break out. Sighs. And this is why we cant have nice things. DONT: Eat Bagels Okay, Im starting to feel personally victimized by this list. Like, is person looking at my bank proclamation and be careful to ensure that I expend a great amount of my down time in coffee shops and/ or bagel patronizes? Because Im feeling genuinely assaulted rn. Apparently, bagels are the worst for your skin and can lead to a cascade of hormones aka acne breakouts for days.* prays this is fake word* DO: Eat Non-Processed Carbs or Oats Tbh Id rather deprived than eat something that resembles animal feed but I guess thats the rate we pay to look like the “after” girl in an acne commercial. Oats are the right various kinds of carbs probs because it appears miserable to eat and likewise because its high in antioxidants which weve launched will not only give you clear/ glowy surface but likewise pushes against anti-aging. DONT: Drink Soda To utterly no ones surprise except my own because I refuse to read descriptions written by health professionals people who are out to destroy my gaiety, soda is bad for you. And because we are drink diet soda doesnt mean youre safe. Because diet soda specially interrupts the necessary and healthy bacteria found in your intestine. Likewise drinking various kinds of soda can really fuck with your scalp. Like, crusade rosacea, eczema, and acne fucking with your skin. K. Just fuck me up rn then. Likewise, wtf am I supposed to order at the bar to go along with my vodka then? I cant exactly suck vodka straight-from-the-shoulder. I want to have clearer scalp , not croak. DO: Drink Kombucha Finally something that ogles good on my Instagram story and isnt going to fuck up my surface. About damn age. Basically Kombucha is good for you because its fermented, and therefore full of probiotics, which will solve all their own lives troubles. Im paraphrasing, but still. If you want clear skin by the time this weekend’s brunch rolls around then chug some of this and claim like its alcohol something you experience drinking. So, in conclusion, anything that brings you delight is possibly fucking up your scalp and you should cut it from your diet ASAP. I am feeling #blessed rn that alcohol did not draw the inventory, but thats mostly because I refused to do any actual research that would support otherwise. Who says you cant realise your own destiny? Listen, if all else neglects and you have no self verify dont just wanted to relinquish your delight theres ever Facetune. Read more: www.betches.com http://selfhelpantiagingtips.com/what-to-eat-for-clear-skin-what-foods-will-wreak-havoc-on-your-face-47/