#but genuinely some of these places make these conflicts feel meaningless to me

[generatedreflection]

Finally playing FFXVI and the thought that I cannot get out of my head is "why are you all so obsessed with fighting each other and being mean when your world is SO FUCKING PRETTY"

[storiesforallfandoms]

roses are red ~ damon salvatore;the vampire diaries

word count: 2936

request?: yes!

@faithiegirl01​ : “Hi amor mio!! I’ve read though some of your other works and I absolutely love them. I was wondering if I could request a Hanahaki Disease fic with either Jasper hale, Damon Salvatore or possibly Steve Harrington? I’m just absolutely obsessed with these fics so so much right now. Useally I have a full blown summary to what I want with imagines, but this time I kinda just wanna let the artist do their thing. The only thing is that I don’t really like smut, but you can put it in if you want, I myself would just skip over that part. You don’t have to take this if you don’t want to, I just think it’d be a cute fic idea and that you’d write it very well.”

description: in which she develops a disease after realizing she’s in love with one of her best friends

pairing: damon salvatore x female!reader

warnings: swearing, mentions of a fatal sickness (Hanahaki Disease)

masterlist (one, two, three)

It was the way he looked at her; like he needed her more than the air he breathed. Like she was the most beautiful thing to ever walk the Earth. Like he wanted to worship the ground she walked on.

I wish he would look at me like that.

I don’t know exactly when I realized I had a crush on Damon. I had known him since he and Stefan moved to Mystic Falls. Of course, I thought he was attractive when I first met him, but I didn’t think of him in any sort of romantic way. At least, I didn’t think I did.

Until he told me he had feelings for Elena. Then, I started to have this bitter feeling towards Elena whenever she was around, especially when Damon was with her. It was like her very presence alone made me irritated and I couldn’t be around her for very long. Eventually, I was able to put two and two together to realize what was going on: I had fallen for the age old cliché of unrequited love for a friend who loved someone else.

It was so hard. I couldn’t just avoid Damon, he would know something was up. But watching him fawn over Elena when she was head over heels for his brother was extremely difficult.

Like right now, sitting at the bar in The Mystic Grill, watching Damon look at Elena and Stefan with this lovesick puppy look on his face. It was enough to make me want to order the strongest drink the bartender was allowed to give me.

“I’ll have what she’s having,” Damon said, finally tearing his eyes away from Elena and Stefan.

I rolled my eyes and muttered, “You have to get over her.”

He looked over at me. “What?”

I shook my head, realizing what I said would surely cause a fight. “Nothing.”

“No, tell me.” He didn’t sound mad, just genuinely curious. I could’ve made something up, or insisted it really was nothing. I could’ve easily avoided any sort of conflict.

But instead, I said, “You need to get over your feelings for Elena. It’s kind of sad to watch you pine over your brother’s girlfriend.”

The bartender passed us our drinks. I immediately downed the contents of mine, wincing at the bitter taste and burning feeling of the liquid running down my throat. Damon took a moment longer to drink his.

“You think I haven’t tried?” he asked. “To get over Elena? You think I want to feel this way about my brother’s girlfriend?”

“Drinking and having meaningless sex isn’t ‘getting over’ her,” I pointed out. “That’s just coping mechanisms. You need to actually move on.”

“I’m fucking trying,” he snapped. “But it feels impossible. She’s all I can think about. And she’s always at our place because of Stefan, which makes it worse.” He paused to take another sip from his drink. “Besides, it’s not like there’s anyone in this town that I would consider dating.”

His words felt like a knife through my chest. I could feel a lump forming in my throat, but I couldn’t let him see me cry. If that was how he felt, then fine. But it didn’t make his confession hurt me any less.

I ordered another strong drink before saying, “Well, maybe you should try at least. It’s annoying to watch you go after your brother’s girlfriend when she’ll never feel the same way for you.”

A tense silence fell over us. Damon downed the last of his drink before standing from his chair. He pulled some money from his wallet and threw it down onto the counter. I watched as he left the restaurant in a huff. Elena and Stefan shared a look before looking over at me, but I turned away before they could lock eyes with me. I had to admit, what I said was harsh. Maybe I shouldn’t have said it the way I did, but I just felt hurt. Not that he would know that, but my pain wasn’t making me think straight.

I took my drink and downed half of it in one mouthful again. The minute the bitter liquid was gone, I started to cough. I thought maybe it had gone down the wrong way, but then the coughing became harder until it felt like something was coming up in my throat. I quickly ran to the bathroom and collapsed next to the toilet just as something finally came up. I spit it into the toilet and sat back. I was absolutely shocked at what I had seen.

Several flower pedals floating in the water.

~~~~~~

A few days later, I was sat in my doctor’s office. After the first time at Mystic Grill, I had started coughing up more flower pedals. Even in a world that included vampires, werewolves, and witches, I had a feeling that throwing up flower pedals was not normal.

I thought my doctor would want to run some sort of tests to see what was going on, if he even believed me at all. I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t. I barely believed it and I was the one experiencing it. But when I told him what was going on, his face dropped. I suddenly felt very nervous by his reaction.

“Miss. (Y/L/N),” he said. “This is...very serious.”

“I kind of figured,” I said, trying to lighten the mood.

He didn’t seem to appreciate the joke. “(Y/N), this is an illness that’s still very new. We don’t know too much about it yet because it’s very rare.” I sat up a little straighter, my heart starting to pound. “What we do know is that it’s called the Hanahaki Disease. It was first noted in Japan, thus the name being a combination of two Japanese words. There’s not a lot known about how someone gets it, except the fact that unrequited love is involved.”

Are you fucking kidding me?! I’m throwing up flowers because of my crush on Damon?!

“So, what can be done?” I asked. “There has to be a cure or something discovered for this, right?”

The look the doctor gave me didn’t give me a lot of hope. “There’s been attempts at a surgical procedure that will remove the flowers from your respiratory track.”

“Attempts?” That doesn’t sound promising.

“Well, the procedure works. The thing is...it takes away your feelings for the person you have unrequited feelings for. Feelings you will never get back. Which may sound like a good thing, but that includes friendly feelings. With this surgery, you’ll just become apathetic towards the person you had feelings for.”

Okay, that was definitely less than ideal. I would love to lose these romantic feelings for Damon. It would make seeing him fawn over Elena a lot less hurtful. But, if it took away all feelings for Damon, including friendly feelings, then our friendship really would be over, and I didn’t want to lose him as a friend. That was the whole reason I hadn’t told him I liked him in the first place.

“That’s the only way to get rid of this?” I asked.

“The only other way is if the love is reciprocated, and I mean romantically not just in a friendship way.”

Well, that’s not happening.

“Can I think this over?”

The doctor gave me a look that I could only describe as pity. “You can, but try to come up with a decision soon. This illness is fatal if left for too long untreated.”

That should’ve been enough for me to agree to the surgery on the spot. My life was at risk so the solution would be a no brainer to anyone else. But there I was, days after my doctor’s visit, sat in my house with no decision having been made. My condition was getting worse. I could barley go a few minutes without coughing up a flower. I knew I must not have too long left before the fatality of the illness finally got me. Again, that should’ve been enough for any normal person to choose the surgery immediately. however, I couldn’t make that decision when I knew it would mean I’d lose Damon.

I had been holed up in my room and basically pushed my friends away. I told them I wasn’t feeling well, but I didn’t go into any specifics. They still reached out to check on me, but I didn’t respond much.

I hadn’t heard from Damon at all since that night at Mystic Grill. That was probably for the best. Talking to him right now, considering my condition, was probably a bad idea and I’d prefer him hating me if I died over him knowing I was dying because I had feelings for him.

I was in bed in the darkness of my room when I heard a knock at my front door. I ignored it, thinking it was a salesman or something, and figuring they’d just go away eventually. But, when I didn’t answer, there was another series of knocks, followed by the doorbell ringing repeatedly. I sighed, which turned into another coughing fit and a few bright red pedals landing on my floor. I groaned and reluctantly pulled myself out of bed. It seemed whoever was at my door was not leaving until somebody answered. Maybe if it was someone annoying I could just cough some flowers on them and scare them away.

But when I opened the door, it wasn’t a salesman on the other side.

It was Damon Salvatore.

“You look like shit,” he commented.

“Thanks,” I croaked, followed by another coughing fit.

Damon’s face suddenly became serious as he reached out for me. “Jesus, you really aren’t doing well.”

“No, I’m kinda dying,” I responded before I could stop myself.

“I’m sure it’s not that bad.”

“No, Damon. I’m literally dying.”

I felt him tense. I started coughing again, this time actually coughing up a few flower pedals. I caught them in my hand before letting them flutter to the floor. Damon looked at them in a mixture of shock and confusion, before wrapping his arms around me and guiding me into my own house. I let him take me to my living room, and we both sat down on the couch. Damon took one of my blankets that I always left on the back of the couch and wrapped it around my shoulders.

“What did you do to make yourself start throwing up pedals and apparently be on the verge of dying?” he asked. He had one arm around me, and I let myself lean into him. I knew this was probably very bad for me, for my condition, but if I had little time left, I was going to allow myself to have this one moment with Damon.

“It’s some sort of new illness,” I said. “Something that starts with an H, a Japanese word I think the doctor said.”

“Geez, should I be worried about being so close to you then?”

I smiled. For the first time in many days, I was actually able to smile. “It’s not that kind of illness. The doctor said it...it stems from unrequited love.”

There was silence. I realized Damon had been running his hand idly up and down my arm. It felt nice. Despite having kept him away for so long, I was realizing now that I really did need to see him one last time. To just have one final moment of somewhat normalcy with him.

“So...you have feelings for someone...they don’t like you back...and now you’re dying?” Damon asked.

“Apparently so,” I responded. “It’s something rare, but it’s been happening.”

“Who would be stupid enough to not love you?”

I knew that shouldn’t have hurt me, but it did. It hurt because I knew he didn’t actually mean that. Not in the way I would’ve wanted him to. But I really, really wish he had meant it that way.

“Someone who is already in love with someone else.”

“Ah,” Damon said. “That’s...that’s rough.”

I nodded. “I guess you know how that feels.”

“I guess it’s a good thing I’m a vampire and can’t get these sorts of illnesses then.”

“Lucky bastard.”

We both started to laugh, until I started coughing again. This time, it was a lot harsher of a cough, and I coughed out more flowers than I had ever at this point. I hunched over as the flowers came up in my throat and fell onto the floor. My chest burned with every harsh cough, and part of me wondered if this was the end. Was I going to die next to Damon? The irony of that was not lost on me.

I felt his hand against my back as I finally stopped coughing. There was basically a bouquet of flowers at my feet now. It could’ve been beautiful if these plants weren’t the thing that was killing me.

Damon pulled me back so I was in his arms again. My eyes felt heavy suddenly, so I rested my head in the crook of his neck and let them close for a second.

“Can I tell you something?” he asked.

“Now is the time to,” I mumbled back. “Who knows how much longer I have left?”

I meant it as a joke, but I could tell he didn’t appreciate it as much as I wanted him to.

“I’ve never loved Elena.”

My eyes popped open and I quickly sat up to look at him. “What?!”

“Okay, I can’t say never,” he clarified. “I did have some feelings for her when I first met her, but then when she got with Stefan and...and when I met you...those feelings went away.”

“When you met me?” I asked. He nodded. “Damon...are you...are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

He wasn’t looking at me now. “Depends. What do you think I’m saying?”

“Are you trying to tell me that your feelings are for me, and not for Elena?”

He didn’t respond, but he didn’t have to. His body language said everything. Damon Salvatore loves me, not Elena Gilbert.

There was a million and one things running through my head. I had no idea how to even respond to that. I was sure this was all some sort of hallucination caused by the disease. Like I was getting to see the one thing I wanted more than anything before I died.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” I asked. “Wait, no, more important question: why did you always act like you were so in love with Elena if you never were?”

“It felt easier than trying to admit to you that I had feelings for you,” he said. “I knew you never would’ve looked at me that way because you saw me as a friend. And Stefan had already clocked that I had feelings for Elena when I first met her, so I figured I would just lean into that until I could find someone else that captured my attention the way you did. But I couldn’t find anyone else, because there isn’t anyone else who makes me feel the way that you make me feel.”

He barely had the final word out before I was lunging at him, pressing my lips against his. It was a forward approach, I’ll admit, but I couldn’t stop myself. It was the words I had been waiting to hear from him for so long, and now that I was finally hearing them, it was like I didn’t have control of my body. I acted before my brain could process what we were doing. It took Damon by surprise, but it didn’t take him long to start kissing me back. He moved me so that I was actually sat on his lap, my legs on either side of his. His arms pulled me as close to him as I could get.

We kept kissing like that for so long that I didn’t even notice the heavy feeling on my chest had lifted, or the fact that I hadn’t been coughing up flowers anymore. I was so lost in Damon that I didn’t realize that the disease had been cured. I didn’t realize until Damon pulled away from our kiss and looked at me in shock. “Holy shit, you look so much better.”

“What?”

“You don’t look sick anymore.”

I stood quickly and rushed to the nearest mirror. He was right, I didn’t look as sickly anymore. And I felt like I could actually breathe again.

“Whoa, that happened fast,” I murmured to myself.

“How did it happen?” Damon asked, appearing behind me. “I thought it was an unrequited love thing?”

I turned to look at him, raising an eyebrow. “Damon...do you really not know who I was talking about earlier? After I literally just threw myself at you on the couch?”

I could literally see the gears turning in his head until his eyes lit up. “Me?!”

I chuckled and walked towards him. I cupped his face in my hands and leaned upwards to kiss him again. “Yes, stupid. I was talking about you.”

“You almost died because of me?”

“Kind of, but also because I was too chicken to tell you how I felt. But I’m not sick anymore.”

“Thank God for that.”

He pulled me in for another kiss. I never wanted to stop kissing him. I had never felt so good in my entire life. I just wanted to pause in this moment and live it over and over and over again.

[royokochoko]

Thank you for everything.

《 𝙍𝙀𝘼𝘿𝙀𝙍 𝙭 𝙃𝘼𝙒𝙆𝙎/𝙆𝙀𝙄𝙂𝙊 𝙏𝘼𝙆𝘼𝙈𝙄 》

"Would you rather let the world burn if it meant saving me?"

"Yes i would— wait what? .. uh- where'd you get that idea.?."

"Oh nothing. Its just a nice thought, don't you think?"

"But seriously, I rather let it burn if it meant saving you."

"Really?"

"Yes. I fucking love you so much. You mean more than the whole world for me."

———

Silence envelops me as I stare at the blank ivory walls, each moment echoing with memories of our time together. In the solitude of my cell, the trust between a retred villain and hero forever broken.

He was meant to be my savior, my reason for everything. The reason i quit to reach for a better future.

Yet, in the end, I was the one deceived, my sacrifices rendered meaningless. Looking back at the heartwarming memories gave me a sense of gratitude.

I dont know why but it just feels right. I wanted to hate him after everything, yet i couldn't bring myself to do so

———♡

The blaring sirens pierced through the chaos, echoing in my ears as I stood frozen in shock, my wide eyes fixed on the figure before me.

My former lover, now transformed into something unrecognizable, showed no hesitation as he advanced, the weapon formed of his crimson wings inching dangerously close to my throat, drawing blood that stained my shirt.

Panic surged through me as i struggled to comprehend everything. My eyes widening and faltering as i slowly registered the things all around me.

Was this really happening?

I searched desperately, hoping that this would be like—like a joke. A prank of some sort but...Nothing.

"Kei—" I whispered softly, my voice as sweet as before—genuine and kind just like the old times.

Yet..

"You have no right to call me that."

"H-hawks... whats the meaning of this?.. you—"

"Y/N. Don't try to make things harder. If you use your quirk, i will not hesitate to kill you."

..So this is it huh?

As I lowered my head in resignation, a bittersweet smile tugged at the corners of my lips, a stark contrast to the turmoil raging within me.

Raising both arms in a gesture of surrender, I accepted the inevitable, the weight of my mistakes heavy upon my shoulders.

"Out of all the mistakes I've made, Hawks," I began, my voice barely above a whisper. "You were the best one. My best decision in this fucked up life."

As the flashing lights drew nearer, heralding the arrival of law enforcement, I couldn't help but feel a pang of regret for the path we had chosen.

As the officers closed in around us, the tension in the air palpable, Hawks lowered his weapon, his gaze never leaving mine as he slowly backed away.

I watched him go, a tumult of conflicting emotions swirling within me, until he turned to speak with another officer, his back now facing me.

"Hawks," I called out in a monotone, my voice barely above a whisper, yet somehow carrying the weight of all the unspoken words between us.

His furrowed brow betrayed his confusion as he glanced back at me, uncertain of what to expect.

With a heavy heart, I mouthed the words "thank you for everything," my lips forming the silent sentiment.

Hawks' eyes widened in comprehension, a flicker of recognition crossing his features before the officers finally turned me around and led me away, the moment slipping away like a fleeting dream.

As I was seated and handcuffed, the echoes of our final exchange lingered in the recesses of my mind, a bittersweet reminder of the times we spent.

"Hey angel freak." The officer's gruff voice snapped me out of my reverie, and I blinked, momentarily disoriented as I registered his words.

"Someone's looking for ya'," he said, his tone rough and impatient. "Get ready, you have 5 minutes."

My heart leaped in my chest at the unexpected news, a flicker of hope igniting within me amidst the darkness of my circumstances.

Who could be looking for me in a place like this?

......And more importantly, why?..

With a sense of urgency, my hands moved swiftly as I arranged my hair and dusted off the dirt from my pajamas, hoping to present myself as best as possible given the circumstances.

With each brush of my hands, I tried to banish the evidence of my surroundings, hoping the dirt and grime wouldn't be visible to whoever was waiting for me.

"Im done!" I called out, my voice echoing slightly in the confined space.

The officer guided me to one of the meeting rooms, its confines familiar yet somehow foreboding as I stepped inside.

Thick glass separated us, a barrier that seemed to amplify the tension crackling in the air.

As I took my seat, my heart raced with anticipation, my eyes scanning the room for any sign of the one who had requested to meet me.

And then, as if materializing out of thin air, he was there. Hawks stood on the other side of the glass, his expression tense and guarded as he met my gaze.

The awkwardness between us was palpable, each word hanging heavy in the air as we struggled to find common ground.

"Y-y/n.. You—" Hawks began, his voice faltering as he searched for the right words.

"How are you, Hawks?" I interjected, my tone casual yet tinged with a hint of apprehension.

His breath caught in his throat, his eyes betraying a whirlwind of emotions as he attempted to compose himself.

"I.. Y/N.. I'm s—"

"How is your day going? Did you take the prescribed sleeping medication i gave you? Its not empty, right... anyways, How's life? It's been months..." I rattled off, cutting him off before he could continue.

His breathing hitched, his frustration evident as he struggled to regain control of the conversation. "Y/N, please," he pleaded, his voice tinged with desperation.

"I'm fine, Hawks," I insisted, my tone laced with forced cheerfulness. "If that's what you're worrying about. I know—the life of being a hero and all... but... I highly doubt you think of my well-being over here... haha..."

"Y/n, please. Just hear me out. I'm so—" Hawks pleaded once more, his voice tinged with a mixture of remorse and longing.

"I swear! They are treating me okay," I continued, steamrolling over his words. "I know I look like shit but—"

"Y/N!" Hawks' voice rose, a note of frustration creeping into his tone.

Silence fell between us, heavy and suffocating, as the weight of our unspoken truths hung in the air.

And then, with a frustrated curse, Hawks broke the silence once more. "Fuck... damn it, Y/N..." he muttered, his voice thick with emotion.

As the tension lingered between us, Hawks took a deep breath, his gaze softening with a mixture of regret and longing.

"Y/N," he began, his voice gentle yet weighted with the gravity of his words. "I need you to know... I'm sorry."

His apology hung in the air, a fragile bridge spanning the chasm of hurt and misunderstanding that had grown between us. For a moment, the weight of his sincerity washed over me, stirring something deep within my heart.

"I'm sorry for everything," Hawks continued, his voice tinged with raw emotion. "For the pain I've caused you, for the choices I've made... I never meant to hurt you. You mean more to me than you'll ever know. You know— like before!"

"There was never a 'before', hawks." I corrected, my voice laced in venom.

"Im serious, Y/N..."

"I know, and i dont forgive you."

Hawks flinched at my words, his expression faltering for a moment before he regained his composure.

"Please dont call me Y/N anymore, hawks."

...

"But thank you for everything, I don't regret you. Just know that."

MASTERLIST

[hopefull-mindset]

Did you accidentally see Odasaku’s last words as Nihilistic instead of Absurdist?

I do plan to write a larger analysis of Odasaku’s character, but I had the realization as to why some see his words as so negative when they were not to me: You do not see living kinder as enough of an answer to the overly sinking feeling of a meaningless life. You try to be too objective, too rational, as to why someone should live, so you’re mad at Odasaku for not saying an answer that doesn’t exist.

The idea that our life is meaningless is not an inherently depressing or negative one to live with, it’s what you choose to do with that mindset that decides it. No matter what branch of Nihilism, Nihilists decide not to engage with life beyond that it is meaningless, so typically they end up stuck where they are and forever feel an overarching, aching loneliness to what they feel as fact.

Although Dazai wasn’t in the most realistic position to be in, his struggle with Nihilism is pretty obvious in his time in the mafia. More specifically, it’s Existential Nihilism he’s trying to combat. He was at his most nihilistic before he met Chuuya, an utterly passive force that refuses to do more than the bare minimum and opts to attempt suicide instead. When he finally joined the Mafia, he tried to find life in the violence and death and why it could matter, but he couldn’t. It was a doomed pursuit from the moment he tried.

Unlike a lot of characters, Dazai is trying to find a rational meaning for why he should live. A Nihilist does not see an Existentialist’s proposition of subjective meaning as enough to justify why they’re still around in an absurd world where they can’t rationalize it as an actual meaning. There is no real truth except what they can be sure of, which is themselves. So he falls back into his most Nihilistic state once again, throws himself into suicidal situations, but keeps living anyway because maybe something would prove him wrong. Eventually.

He doesn’t try anything new or leave the mafia after this expected outcome because nothing other than his own expectations would happen, even in the world of light, nothing would matter. Genuinely, nothing will fill this hole for him in the way he wants it to because his intelligence leaves him trapped in a cage of his own making, worsening his suicidal ideation. When Odasaku confronts him in his dying breaths, he states it as a matter of fact because he’s been in a similar position to him when he was younger, but truly was he able to give him the advice he needed in his last moments, only through him losing this will to live could he understand his ideation to this point. An Odasaku pre-events of Dark Era would not be able to connect with him on this level, so I ask you to please recognize that.

His first few words were so Dazai would be willing to listen to him. It takes much more than to be a friend for him to listen to them. Odasaku does not come from a negative place, he’s stating what Dazai has always been thinking. When Dazai hears those words, he’s not discouraged, he’s thinking that since he understood him in such a specific way, what would Odasaku tell him to do then? He tells him not of what to do about life, an unsolvable case, but about how he could continue living.

Now this is where you need to understand what I meant by Absurdist. Absurdism, to be brief, focuses on the conflict between human beings seeking rationality and the irrational world we live in being meaningless. It concludes that since it is a futile objective to seek, there are three traditional ways to continue this realization that comes from Albert Camus’s The Myth of Sisyphus. The first one is suicide, which is a highly discouraged option since it only has us succumb/surrender to the absurd and doesn’t solve a thing. The second is denial of the absurd through faith in a higher power, which is a way to live of course, but is considered philosophical suicide.

The third and final option is to rebel, the heavily recommended option. Not to disregard the absurd, but to acknowledge it and to keep living despite our inherent meaningless life. Accept that these are our circumstances, but that doesn’t mean you have to give up on trying to live a life you want, be content with, and to be happy. Dazai was unhappy because he was trying to find the fucking Fontaine of Youth, Aka something that doesn’t exist, and fighting an unnecessary war with himself as the only solider.

The only way he can be happy is to not search anymore and to live his life despite it. This doesn’t solve his suicidal ideation, nothing can truly solve this dilemma, but it will make his life easier to live. This is what makes this piece of advice absurdist. It’s not overly positive because that would be ignoring their reality, this is advice Dazai desperately needed to hear. Anything else of a different tone or stance would be missing the mark with someone like Dazai.

Now absurdists don’t need to live by a certain moral code, that was more so about saving Dazai’s humanity so to speak. He associates being good to having humanity. That’s off-topic though, but it’s whatever I’m going to keep going off-topic. Real talk, I needed to quickly mention that even though their relationship is important, I think some of you are over-idealistic about Odasaku or that their relationship was much more intimate than it actually was when Odasaku was alive.

He was much closer to Dazai as Ango was, but that’s looking at it by Dazai standards. Every time Dazai talked about himself, Odasaku was like “in all our years of knowing each other, I’ve never heard him speak about this.” Pshh, I’m done now.

"Listen." Odasaku wrapped his blood-soaked hand around Dazai's. "You told me if you put yourself in a world of violence and bloodshed, you might be able to find a reason to live..."

[..]

"You won't find it,” Odasaku said in almost a whisper. Dazai stared at him. "You should know that. Whether you're on the side that takes lives or the side that saves them, nothing beyond your own expectations will happen. Nothing in this world can fill the hole that is your loneliness. You will wander the darkness for eternity."

[..]

For the first time in his life, Dazai wanted from the bottom of his heart to know something. He asked the man before him:

"Odasaku... What should I do?"

"Be on the side that saves people," Odasaku replied. "If both sides are the same, then choose to become a good person. Save the weak, protect the orphaned. You might not see a great difference between right and wrong, but...saving others is something just a bit more wonderful.”

"How do you know?"

"I know. I know better than anyone else."

(You guys should totally read The Myth of Sisyphus, I think it would help a lot of your understanding of Dazai)

[alexalily]

Alexa's Favorite Games of 2023

If you've paid attention to my activity online then you've probably noticed that I really didn't play many games this year! I spent much more time reading books and watching movies than I did playing games. Despite that, I will still make this list because I did still manage to play Some Bangers! But also some trash!

2023 has been a year of change for me: mostly in minor and bad ways but with a couple of bigger, better ways. I'm hoping 2024 will be a year of further change in some major ways. Without getting into too much detail, my life feels like some things are in a do-or-die/now-or-never sort of situation and that is scary but also it'll make changes that are better than what I've got going on right now.

In 2024 I am hoping to get back to gaming a bit more. I want to return to checking out small Itchio projects that no one else has heard of but that I will scream about until other people play them too. I want to play more visual novels, too!! And I want 2024 to finally be the year that I really give a fighting game a solid chance because it is a genre I have always wanted to get into but have never found the right time or place or game or whatever for it work out.

If you would like to see a similar list about the books I read in 2023, you can see it here on Tumblr. If you would like to see a similar list about the movies I watched in 2023, you can see it here on Tumblr or over on Letterboxd.

Mémoire 0079

The "It's Not Nepotism If It's Genuinely Great" Award

I don't do ranked awards like everyone else but if I did this would be a strong contender for #1 and it's not just because I know some of the people that worked on it! I really really like the shape of this thing, with how it has you navigating pages like you're falling down a Wikipedia rabbit hole! It's such a fun concept and while I doubt it's the first or only to do it, it's done very well here! I love seeing how both sides frame the conflict and how they choose to write history their own way and how that leaves you to piece together What Happened. It's a game that has been stuck in my mind and kept me Thinking all throughout the year since I played it back in July and that is more than I can say about almost anything else on this list or that I even played this year!

Assassin's Creed Valhalla

The "Why The Fuck Am I Still Playing This" Award

I am occasionally an Open World Sicko who likes big maps with lots of Meaningless Things to collect/do. Every so often I just need One Of These. I have played many and they are all terrible. The genre has had a largely negative effect on AAA games specifically and the video games community as a whole. And this has got to be one of the worst ones I've ever played. I will probably end up writing a "review" where I dump all my thoughts after I've finished it but here's some quick highlights: -it plays worse than AC Odyssey did -it looks worse than AC Odyssey did -England sucks ass -the main plot is so tedious and none of the writing is good and there is SO MUCH of it -Eivor is so fucking boring!! my gay ass should be fawning over her but I simply Do Not Care about because she has all the charisma and charm of a pile of rocks The Isle of Sky DLC(?) questline was the best bit so far but that might just be my Kassandra Bias coming in to play because it was nice to see her again and also for them to be willing to actually play with one of the things set up at the end of Odyssey! I have played for over 80 hours so far and feel like I am maybe halfway through. I fear I may be playing this game until the end of time.

Charm Studies

Best Game That Is Laser Targetted At Me, Specifically

Narrative Picross! Cute girls! Witches!! What's not to love. I adore this lil game. I feel like this is going onto the list of games that I will take any chance I can to yell about because I want more people to play it because it's just such a charming lil adorable thing. It's cute!! I love it!! Play it!!!

Fortnite

The "I Participated in Capitalism and it felt Gross" Award

I started playing like a week and a half ago so I am still an absolute little baby. The first thing that happened when I launched the game for the first time was that it notified me that I had unlocked Radiohead lobby music. And then when I went into my first match it was utterly overwhelming with all the sound effects and shooting and dancing and constant quest progress updates and meters filling and things happening, meanwhile I was just trying to figure out what the buttons do because there's not really any tutorials and it was one of the most stressful 10 minutes of gaming of the entire year. I think the actual movement and shooting feels Fine and is just Good Enough because the actual good thing is playing this with other people. The shop is egregiously bad. The battlepass system is also horrific. We all know this. I spent eight dollars on the battlepass because the punk catgirl skin is cute. I hated how I felt when I did it. I will continue playing because fuckin whatever who gives a shit. I hope Epic Games crashes and burns but for the foreseeable future I will continue to have fun playing this with people. If you are a person who think it might be fun to play with me and see first-hand just how bad I am at video games, hit me up because that sounds like a fun time to me.

Bloodborne

Lady Maria Presents: The Lady Maria of the Astral Clocktower Award for Best Lady Maria of the Astral Clocktower

YES I played Bloodborne again this year, YES I will probably do it again in 2024. I finally beat Orphan of Kos!! The last time I played BB I smashed my head against Orphan for something like 10 or 12 hours and eventually gave up but this time I did it! I spent time grinding out as many blood vials as I could and making sure my weapon was as upgraded as was reasonable and then I beat Orphan of Kos in like 30 minutes of attempts!! What the fuck!! Easily one of the best feelings of triumph I've ever gotten in a Soulsborne game.

The Exit 8

The "What The Fuck Am I Doing Here" Award

I feel like I need to preface this by saying that I believe everyone; I take all y'alls word that this thing is incredible and amazing and everyone needs to play it ASAP without knowing anything about it because it is just incredible. I completely believe you all. But when I played this, I ran down a hallway for ten or fifteen minutes and nothing happen. I don't get it. I read every sign (as best I could, since it's mostly in Japanese anyway). I pressed every button on my keyboard. I tried to interact with the doors. I tried to interact with that guy that walks by. I found a sign that said to turn around if I see an anomaly. I don't know what an anomaly looks like and I can't tell if I've seen one. I ran down the hallway in one direction. Then I thought maybe I need to walk. Then I turned around and went the other way for a while. I don't get it. I can't get the game to work. I am too stupid to figure out the first puzzle(?) of the game. If I had a brain and could figure that out I bet this would be sick.

Stranger of Paradise: Final Fantasy Origin

Best Game to Fistbump Your Homies To

What a cool fuckin video game!! Proof that Final Fantasy can still be good in the year 2023. I kind of hate how much this game gets memed on with all the "here to kill CHAOS!!!" stuff and people laughing at the Sinatra needle drops and fistbumps and whatever because while, yes, that stuff is objectively funny when you see it in the game, I think the game then does a lot of work to make you take that shit seriously and attaches emotional weight to it all that works in a truly sincere and honest way that I think the memes make people completely ignore. Jokin' around on twitter or whatever is all fun and good but please remember to engage with games on their own and actually think about the thing you are playing! It feels like this game is going to go down in history as some big meme when it's probably one of the best Final Fantasies in quite a while and I think that is absolutely fucking tragic.

Pathfinder: Wrath of the Righteous

Most Videogame

I never did write out a full review of this game and maybe I'll go back and do that at some point but basically it comes down to this: All the parts of this that are Pathfinder are atrocious tedious garbage and all the parts that are Wrath of the Righteous are wildly inconsistent in quality but the absolute best parts of it are barely better than mediocre. Pathfinder, as a system, is really only for the sickos who enjoy planning out their character and everything they will do at every level-up because the actual act of playing it and engagin with the combat is miserable. God bless the difficulty menu for letting me turn it down to the point of not having to give a shit about any of that. Also shoutouts to whoever at Owlbear said "hey maybe we shouldn't have the final dungeon suddenly bombard the player with negative levels and attribute damage" because that was a truly awful part of Kingmaker. Oh and the Crusade mode sure does suck ass, huh? I hope someday Owlbear makes a good video game. The thing in CRPGs that I love the most is meeting all the cool companions and hanging out with them and helping them solve their problems (or sometimes making them worse). And this game barely has that. There's like a dozen companions and I think I could name three or four of them and could only really tell you much about two of them Daeran and Arueshalae save this game from being completely devoid of anything good. Arueshalae is my sweet babygirl and Daeran is a twink in need of obliteration.

Celeste: Strawberry Jam

Best Game I Didn't Actually Play

I am not a Celeste Enjoyer because I am not a Platformer Enjoyer but I did watch my friend Carrie play through this and it's a genuinely incredible thing to see!! I really strongly suggest people check this out (either first-hand or watching videos) because it's wild to see how much work the Celeste community put into this thing. Custom art, new music, wholly new mechanics, and it's all arranged by difficulty so you can start at the beginning and work your way up! And they even added in tutorials so you don't have to know what a Ceiling Pop or whatever is because they'll just teach it to you! And, anyway, Celeste's assist mode is robust and people should be willing to turn that stuff on just to content tourism their way through what I think is one of the most impressive community endeavors I've seen in quite a long time.

Final Fantasy VII

The "I Swear To God I'm Going To Finish It If It Kills Me" Award

I have started this game like eight different times in the past and it never clicked for me so I never got more than an hour or two into it but finally FINALLY this year it is working for me in terms of my brain but no in terms of my fucking computer!! I built a new computer very recently and when I reinstalled the game, the cloud save was empty! Every time I saved it told me it was syncing the save file but it was lying to me!! Luckily, I had my old computer around still and was able to find the save there, so my meagre amount of progress was not wiped out. But then! My DS4 was absolutely haunted! Everything was configured the same as the old computer, everything is set up the same, but all the button mapping was wrong and nothing I did fixed it! I had the controller unplugged for a couple days for unrelated reasons and then worked up the energy to troubleshoot this and when I plugged it in it Simply Worked! So now I am determined. I WILL play this game and I WILL finish it in 2024.

Tabletop Simulator

The "I'm Tired Of Writing This List But Want To Add This One Too" Award

I played quite a bit of Tabletop Sim this year and had a lot of fun doing it! I've never been able to really get into board games or tabletop games because of a lack of friends to play with but this year I got to check some stuff out and have had a lot of fun with it! Even just loading into one of those big board games with a trillion pieces is fun just to look around at all the lil 3d models and flip through the cards. A lovely game that has given me a lot of lovely memories.

[puppiekit]

You know what seeing my tumblr homies talk about their ocs has really motivated me to do the same. So im going to ramble about the cast of my comic LOL

Firstly, on to the worldbuilding...

The world of my comic takes place in the far future, long after global warming has taken its course and messed up a good chunk of modern society. All of the rich have long fled to Mars, out of attempt to escape the consequences of destroying their home planet.

A few centuries later, however, they realize their attempts at survival are futile and attempt to return back, much to the anger of those who were left behind, and managed to rebuild all on their own. To say the least, their conflict quickly became violent.

To reflect the hard societal reset that happened on Earth, a lot of the setting and technology present is 70s / 80s / 90s inspired, with a fancier polish to reflect their place hundreds of years in the future, of course.

Inspiration...

Now, the world of my comic is inspired by many things!!! To help you gather an idea of what I have in mind, i'll list them here:

Now on to my silly skrunkly characters!!!

This is Laika, weird cat-dog thing, local societal menace, and genuine war criminal. Hes in his 30s, a short king (only around 5'3), and has all the pent up rage and anger to show for it.

In spite of his sad emo childhood backstory, I have crafted him specifically to be the most insufferable (in the most lovable way) character to ever exist on planet earth. Hes cruel, selfish, aggressive, short-tempered, and prone to violence (derives pleasure from the harm and vulnerability of others, really). He has 0 self awareness and loves to play the victim in every given scenario.

To put it in simple terms, he never mentally developed beyond his traumatized childhood self. Hes under a constant state of survival and self-preservation.

Now in his adult years, he works for the government to develop nuclear weapons. Despite his shitty attitude, he is incredibly smart, especially in regards to science / physics. Still, however, I think it is a rather dumb move on the governments part to hand a ticking time-bomb like him literal nukes. Might just be me, though!

These are Laikas coworkers. They do not have any individual references just yet, so sadly I must rant about them together based off of this puny sketch!

Goose:

Albino raccoon , he/they , Lead Engineer for the Government war effort. Also... Laikas ex! Awkward! This fool is 6ft+ and a walking brick wall of flesh and muscle, but lacks the self awareness necessary to come off as anything beyond mildly intimidating. He comes from a long line of Aviators, Engineers, and Pilots, birthing his life-long fixation on the subject.

Goose is air-headed, and endearing to those who only know him by passing. But in reality hes equally as insufferable as Laika. He's selfish, egotistical, and has a multitude of narcissistic tenancies. He will find any reason at all to passively-aggressively drag others down in meaningless, petty ways, just to make him feel better about himself. His tendency to place himself on a pedestal is almost entirely fueled by insecurities he refuses to acknowledge, which directly bounces off of Laikas hate-fueled enjoyment of picking at others.

He and Laika were childhood best-friends, High-School sweethearts, and lifelong partners... Before they both reunited after Laikas time on the battlefield, however, and realized they had both grown into something they can no longer tolerate. And yet their burning hatred has circled back around into some weird, toxic form of passionate love... Still hooking up and all over eachother, same as before!

Paradox:

Weird coyote thing, they/them, late 30s / early 40s ... Develops chemical weapons for the Government. VERY passionate about their work. Super into conspiracies. This scrawny canine is simply unhinged, to be totally honest. They couldn't be bothered to open up about their family or past, leaving their peers to wonder how exactly they became the way they did.

All that is known is that Paradox's chemical burns... Are most certainly caused from some past self experimentation. (They 100% DIY'd their own top surgery btw. They are indeed that genre of Transgender Scientist). Like the rest of the cast, Paradox is an ass, in one way or another. They lack total care of empathy for others. They have, and will, throw a baby in an incinerator for science.

Paradox lives in the basement of their workplace, pretty much, spending the good majority of their days working away at new weapons, committing unethical science experiments on Prisoners of War, or trying to frantically piece together proof that the moon landing was fake. (yes, even despite the fact that their entire War effort... IS IN SPACE). They are simultaneously stupid and genius, which is why I adore them.

Juno:

Borzoi / Afghan-Hound , she/her , 50s. A lot of people who see this woman call her... a MILF. And perhaps she is. But she is a very EVIL one. Your time with her will not be enjoyable brother. Besides, shes married, unfortunately for her husband. Juno develops Biological weapons for the Government. She was once a Biology teacher for a local Middle School, but lost her job after fighting a student.

Juno is ... A Karen. Mean, selfish, overtly-controlling, and will never pass up an opportunity to complain or jab at those she views beneath her (which is everybody ever, to be honest). If you ever see somebody yelling at a minimum wage worker for something stupid, that is her. If you've ever had to deal with a nosy, bitchy coworker, that is her.

Juno is very spiritual (the embodiment of those christian girls on Instagram who spew out bigotry with sweet bible quotes in her bio), she very much believes in the whole 'this crystal will ward off evil energy' thing. Shes also a vegan, and views feral animals as above society as a whole. She views her fellow man as pests, leeches on the Earth, who are cruel to the innocent animals that inhabit it.

She derives pleasure from using her live for biology as a means for harming/killing her fellow man, and usually in the most unethical ways possible. She has planted Termites in the homes of many of her enemies.

To make a long story short... This entire comic is about assholes living the most painful inconvenienced lives ever possible. It is hilarious. You should ask me about them btw pspspsps come here pspsps

[tlscog]

Just found your IF and I liked it so congrats, you and your characters are going to be rattling around in my head for weeks.

So now for some questions

1) Can the MC die? They have already come back from death once so can they do it again or was it like a one time deal?

2) Can our new head companion (the first Eldritch) be our friend? Can we befriend them? I wanna be their friend :)

3) Are we good or are we bad? Because we as Eldritch, like Sol explained, are neutral in the conflict between light and dark and that probably applies to all other Eldritch, but what about MC, can they choose who to side with?

4) this one might be a big spoiler so it's fine if you don't answer, is the light being we meet dangerous? They said they want to know what we are which doesn't sound that dangerous but is it like 'mad scientist that wants to tear us open to know how we work' curious? Also can we befriend them? I want to be friends with the horrors :)

5) will becoming an Eldritch affect MC's sanity? (I know there is a bar but bear with me) like can they begin to feel out of place being called human or start to feel like they shouldn't be around their friends since they are so fundamentally different from them that they doubt they could ever understand each other?

Sorry this is so long but I love stuff about Eldritch gods (and even more being one!) and fantasy and you painted such an interesting world that I can't help but think about it, anyway bye!!!

I am glad you like it!

1- Yes. The first death is more just a saving grace to rebirth you into what you are becoming and what you were supposed to be. You can definitely die.

2- Is this the shadow guy? The only one that doesn’t have a name just yet? He is... kinda leaning on someone that is genuinely interested in your progress rather than who you are as a whole. I think I wrote it in his words like “What are you? What are you going to become?” His planned story arc will probably only be delved into if we reach a second book.

3- Most Eldritch are chaotic and would have a more evil alignment but they don’t ever perceive it as good or bad because in comparison to the rest of the cosmos, a single life is meaningless.

To take for Sol for example, Sol believes that it is necessary to work with everyone but if Sol didn’t need to Sol wouldn’t be interacting with anyone in the first place. Then again Sol eats solar systems.

But for the MC the perspective is still not that vast so it will still be neutral. You will most definitely have a choice if you want to snuff out the light or eradicate the dark.

Kinda got away with that one.

4- Next chapter! 

5- Your body is still incredibly human, your will is just far superior than the others so it is easier to perceive cosmic horrors and not go insane because of your origins. The sanity bar will gradually become more and more redundant as you mold into an Eldritch.

Everyone still treats you the same because for most of them, especially Hayden, there isn’t much that makes you Eldritch so it isn’t sinking it with you nor them. Sol treats you the same regardless.

I hope these somewhat answer your questions as I do just get excited and passionate that I end up carrying away with things. 

[amandaoftherosemire]

Thoughts on Thor: Love and Thunder

Finally got around to Thor: Love and Thunder and I have some notes. As did a lot of people it seems because this feels like a movie made by committee. The tone is all over the place, making it feel like someone insisted on taking two stories that do not mesh and trying to weave them together anyway.

I thought I was in for another technicolor fever dream from infamous madman Taika Waititi. I was, but that dream was bolted to an extremely dark story about the loss of faith in the face of death. As someone who likes BOTH Ragnarok and Dark World, if this was gonna work, it would have worked on me.

I don’t even know how to rate this one. There were things I genuinely liked, even loved. Thor, as always, is a ray of adorable sunshine. I loved the Jane as Thor plot line, for the most part. *sniff* Valkyrie is wonderful, of course, as is Korg. And I didn’t hate Christian Bale or the darker plot line; I just didn’t like it in this movie. The rest of the film is so jokey and silly, but the stakes of the conflict are insanely high, as are the consequences. There are many things to love. The problem is they don’t all go together.

And then there were the things that I genuinely hated.

So I HATE Russell Crowe. I do not have a good reason. There is simply something about his face, voice, and demeanor that brings forth a rush of anger, aggression, and the overwhelming urge to punch him in the face as hard as I can. I cannot explain it, but I have felt this way since I saw him in L.A. Confidential many, many years ago. Since then, I have learned that there is a German word for this impression of someone; backpfeifengesicht, or a face that is crying out for a fist in it. For me, Russell Crowe’s face is BEGGING me to destroy it with bare knuckles. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I spent all of L.A. Confidential distracted by the hostility I couldn’t help but feel toward this actor I’d never seen before. I don’t remember anything that happened in that movie because of the adrenaline pumping through my body in anticipation of a brawl. I have not watched a movie with Russell Crowe in it since L.A. Confidential, in more years than I’m going to admit. I had an epic streak going, but I broke it for Taika. Pfft.

I am not pleased that the movie for which I finally made an exception to the Russell Crowe boycott was as disappointing as Thor: Love and Thunder. And oh so many years later, listening to Russell Crowe do what sounded to me like a stereotypically offensive Italian accent for a Greek god and wasting my time in a largely meaningless plot cul-de-sac, I still want to punch him in the face as hard as I can.

⭐️⭐️ Too much (more than zero) Russell Crowe. Cannot recommend.

[star-anise]

I'm up around 3am, thinking about incels and tradwives. (Note: If these are movements you're a fan of, or if you just want to fight with me generally, I will block you if you annoy me, and even if you behave there's a $20 fee if you expect me to actually reply to you in any way.)

This got started because of Khadija Mbowe's and F.D Signifier's videos about Black patriarchy, which has led me to pick up bell hooks' 2004 book The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love.

The thing that hooks says that really knocked my socks off in a "how dare you notice that" way is that a lot of people, men and women alike, are angry not just because of the male violence they've experienced, but because of the lack of male love they've experienced.

Which like, part of being human means that being seen and cared about is pretty viscerally equated with survival in our brains. We want it, we need it, we suffer when it isn't there. To be seen and genuinely loved by the people in our lives matters, so we are always affected when there's someone important to us who doesn't seem to see us, to love us, to care about our wellbeing, or to be proud of our accomplishments. It matters to be disregarded, rejected, or shamed by someone we want to love us.

But no power in the world can compel another person to give a shit about you—a truth most of us spend our lives frantically suppressing because being unloved is terrifying, so we work at being better, more attractive, smarter, more accomplished, more charming, sexier, or to be brutally honest, more lovable. But when we do experience a lack of love, a lot of us take that anger and decide to opt for second best. If we can't be loved, we can at least be powerful. Power can take a lot of forms, but because the lack of male love often goes hand-in-hand with violence, people who face it generally want, at the very least, to not be hurt anymore.

But there's another element in play. Patriarchal gender roles divide behaviours and skills in a very particular way: Boys and men are expected to use power to dominate, and girls and women are supposed to use emotions to tend and nurture. Anyone who fails to perform those roles gets harshly punished. Terrence Real talks about how this leaves men with very limited knowledge of their own emotional needs or how to communicate them to other people, and Paul Kivel talks about how boys are taught that this is women's work—that if they are masculine enough, they will attract a woman who will make sure that they feel loved and cared about. How a great deal of men's anger towards women is the feeling that women are witholding this essential service, or failing to fully handle men's emotions (which is pretty damn common, since humans aren't telepaths so it's basically impossible to reach inside someone's head and change their emotions for them).

So hooks notes that women are just as likely to uphold patriarchal gender roles as men, and one element of that is women's anger when men are emotionally vulnerable. Men who confess to their partners that they feel lost and ashamed and unworthy of love are doing exactly what women keep saying we want men to do, but the reaction many women have is a kind of incredulous frustration—"You want me to handle all this? Fuck no, I'm busy!"

Part of that reaction is that in patriarchal gender roles, it is a woman's literal job to completely soothe and manage her male partner's emotions—to diligently praise him, make him feel more accomplished, and to reassure him of her ongoing love and admiration in all things. And that is a lot of work that is quite likely not to succeed because it's really hard to talk someone out of a self-hating funk. (There's also an element of just plain sexism. Even without the implied demand for help, some women just think men's vulnerability is pathetic or laughable.)

The feminist response to this that hooks, Real, and Kivel advocate for is to spread the load a little more evenly; to work to reduce the violence with which gender roles are policed, to allow men to be soft and emotional, but in the process, give them the emotional skills to handle the shame and dread we all feel sometimes about not being lovable or or worthy, and empower them to form many different emotionally fulfilling relationships.

So the thing about incels is, they tend to be obsessed with finding a woman who will make them feel worthy, sexy, accomplished, admirable, and dominant, like a "real man". The prospect of getting a woman is the single potential oasis of love and support in an incredibly bleak desert landscape in which a romantic partnership is the only possible source men are permitted to seek love and care from. A man who hasn't gotten a girl is a pathetic loser whose life is meaningless.

What that entire worldview takes for granted is how the desert became a desert in the first place. How boys learn to fear the violence and rejection that comes from stepping out of their gender role by being emotionally vulnerable or by emotionally nurturing somebody else; how emotional knowledge and expression are punished by a system that says men should always seek to dominate. The desire for a female partner rests on a bedrock of learned fear and contempt for the idea that men can or even should have the kind of emotionally close and supportive friendships among themselves that women tend to have with each other.

Incels are the fucking allegory of the long spoons in action. They gather in huge numbers to discuss their pain, frustration, and disappointment about their difficulty attaining a relationship that provides emotional fulfillment, but it's impossible for them to try to seek or offer that kind of relationship with the many many people right there also looking for love, because violating the gender rules means inviting violence and ostracism. Affection and mutual esteem between men is super gay and doesn't count, especially when it's provided because of a mutual vulnerability instead of admiration for achievement. So it's incredibly hard for incels to in any way break out of the mental cage that says the way to be loved is to be as masculine, as stoic and unemotional and successful and admirable and dominant as possible. And because being dominant tends to require people to be better than, incels spend a lot of time criticizing each other for failing to be masculine enough, and therefore not worthy of love.

Meanwhile... tradwives.

If you're into men, the dream of being truly loved by a man who will take care of you and make your life materially better is fucking amazing stuff. That's just... that's just The Dream, okay? The romance industry's extreme popularity decade after decade will tell you what bell hooks also notes: Women who are into men want to be loved by men SO MUCH.

So it really seems to me that the basic appeal of being a tradwife is managing to be submissive enough to get the men they love to genuinely show up and fully commit to loving them. If conflict in relationships happen because men feel threatened in their masculinity or not fully loved by their wives, then gosh darnit, these women will plaster themselves over the cracks to make sure there are absolutely no problems. That will earn them a relationship where they are truly loved and appreciated.

(It's a trap. I hate to say it, but we're not a telepathic species, and you will never manage to be good enough to actually change what someone else feels. No matter how hard you submit, your husband will still feel moments of doubt and fear and inadequacy, because he's human and we're built like that. It's the cross we have to bear as a species. And it does not go well at all if both of you are used, in those moments, for blaming you for whatever you "did" to "make" him feel that way.)

[god-of-dust]

since i already posted Rising Sun, i thought that it would be interesting to show part of my writing process for it. this is part of the first, unedited draft that i wrote without any finesse and then rewrote completely. notice the “send help” bit XD

He waits until Aang's finished with his mantras before speaking. “Can I have your opinion on something?”

“I'm listening,” Aang says, voice deep and resonant.

“The anniversary of the genocide will be in a few months,” he begins, unsure on how to approach the subject.

Slowly, Aang exhales, rolls his shoulders and neck and opens his eyes to look at Zuko. “Yes.”

“I'd like to make it an official day of remembrance.” He passes a hand through his hair, gathering his thoughts.

“That's... incredibly thoughtful, Zuko. Thank you.”

Zuko scratches at a bit of sealing wax that's stuck to his desk. “The power I have means nothing if I don't use it to right the wrongs that my family has done. To be honest, there's a lot that needs to be mended, especially when it comes to your people, and even for this anniversary I have no idea what to do. What's the appropriate way to do this?”

“In truth, I have no idea either.” Aang briefly clutches his beads. “Now that the war is over, I have more space to think about what happened and how I want to honor my people so that their teachings aren't forgotten, but it's—well, a lot.”

“I was thinking about theatre—a play that tells the real story, what truly happened that day, instead of that bullshit militaristic propaganda we've been fed during the war.” Zuko offers cautiously.

“That could work. Can I think about it some more?”

“Of course you can. But, um, on the topic of propaganda... there's also something else I've been meaning to ask you.”

“There's always something else,” Aang says, and even though his tone is neutral Zuko still flinches. There's unconcealed tiredness in those words, one that Zuko is well-acquainted with; long nights spent wondering if the demands of his title will pile up and pile up until they swallow him whole, followed by long days where he brushes away the bruises under his eyes and puts on his best diplomatic face to attend to those very same demands.

“I'm working with my advisors to completely rewrite the school curriculum. They've been a great help, but for all their genuine interest they've been indoctrinated about Air Nomads as much as anyone else in this nation. I want kids to be taught about your culture, and for that I need you.” Before Aang can reply, Zuko speaks again. “I know that I'm asking too much. I know that this would be yet another responsibility you got saddled with... but you're also the best person possible for this.”

Aang's smile is a wry, bitter thing that makes Zuko's chest ache like a hollowed out tree. “Not the best. The only one.”

“You're not the only one. I could recruit some of the Air Acolytes if you think it's a good idea.”

“No, that wouldn't be enough,” Aang says, shaking his head minutely. “They're passionate scholars, and their presence soothes the part of me that was afraid that any hope for community had been lost. Still... they can never get it completely. There are things that can't be taught, only lived.”

There's nothing that Zuko can reply to that. No words will ever be enough to restore what has been destroyed and taken away from Aang; as much as that wound appears to be scarred and healed, Zuko can see that there's a well of grief that Aang doesn't let anyone get close to.

Some gaps can never be closed, but others can.

He rises from his desk and crosses the distance between them, kneeling before Aang. They're at the same height now, and Zuko gently presses his forehead against Aang's; after a small moment of hesitation, he places a hand against Aang's cheek. This tentative touch is all he has to offer.

“I wish I didn't have to ask this of you,” Zuko murmurs, eyes closing in surrender, thumb stroking soft skin.

They breathe together like this, slipping into a state of shared equilibrium. It doesn't erase the pain, but it makes it bearable. A thing that they both can carry together.

“I'm the last airbender. I won't disrespect my people by running away. Besides, I'm the Avatar, and my voice carries authority that I'm meant to use exactly for reasons such as these.”

Zuko sighs. Outside of the window, where the sky is beginning to darken, a handful of stars begin to emerge from its expanse. “I want more than anything to see you at peace, and yet I find myself burdening you with heavy choices, over and over.”

“Your choices aren't easy either, Zuko.”

“No, they aren't. But then, I'm honor-bound to rule this nation to the best of my abilities, regardless of my wishful thinking about how easier it should be.”

Aang squeezes one of his shoulders, reassuring him with a simple touch.

I know how it feels. You're not alone.

And Aang does understand, better than anyone else. The feeling of suffocation that comes with the high stakes involved in any misstep, the anxiety that has taken permanent residence under Zuko's ribs ever since his coronation. He never speaks about it, not out loud, and he's glad that he doesn't need to.

Aang puts a hand on the back of Zuko's neck, lightly kneading the lingering tension away.

Why is it that Aang makes it easy to accept a touch so loving and tender? He'd struggled to accept his uncle's hugs and comforting pats, feeling unworthy of his freely given affection.

Aang doesn't owe him anything. And yet here Zuko is, unmoving, his own palm still cupping Aang's tranquil face, fingers tracing absent patterns on it. Thoughts slip away, awash by the simplicity of this moment.

"Be here, Zuko. There's a lot we must do, a lot that's been appointed onto us, but now we have this."

"Thank you," Zuko whispers, and he means it.

The pressure of Aang's hand on Zuko grounds him. They breath as one, and for a moment they are one, a single essence.

“The first time I entered the Avatar state I experienced visions of the world that can't be expressed with words,” Aang says. “I saw the oneness of all things. I saw impermanence, the mutable nature of everything. Going back to being myself, with a body, after that... It took a bit of adjusting. Okay, a lot of adjusting.”

“How did you do it?” How can a person contain all that? is what Zuko wishes to ask, though he doesn't quite dare.

“I don't know. It's an apparent contradiction that I have yet to come to terms with. I have a duty as Avatar Aang that I'm meant to uphold, while having witnessed that, ultimately, I have no separate identity at all.” An exhale, long and deep. “Sometimes it feels meaningless. Why bother, why struggle, when we are all one and the same? But it's what we're here to do, what I am here to do.”

“You're the most selfless person I know.” It tumbles out of Zuko's mouth, unfiltered. Aang is... all that.

At Aang's age, Zuko had only cared about firebending forms and maybe his crush on Mai. He'd still hoped for his father's approval. Then there's Aang, a hero, a survivor, who's seen more than any person would be able to bear; the most profound loss, the glory of victory, and the ultimate detachment from it all.

It's impossible that this larger-than-life being can be so unassuming. That he has love for Zuko, so much that his scarred heart can drown in it.

Never has he felt so cherished, with no strings attached, no familial bonds, no hidden treachery glistening behind constructed gestures.

His chest isn't hollow anymore. It feels full, the fuller it's been in a long time, overflowing him. The naked affection he holds for Aang is humbling, devastating.

Aang has the supreme quality of making Zuko feel like he belongs. They belong together, as strange and different as they might be, as conflicted Zuko might feel about it. It doesn't matter.

When Aang talks about oneness, this is what Zuko can compare it to. Their mingled breaths, Aang's hand on his skin. That time at the Sun Warriors temple, along with now. They have everything. They are everything, and when they're together, Zuko can believe that they can achieve anything, overcome any struggle.

There's no obstacle big enough to stop their combined strength.

Is this what unconditional love is? The complete, utter perfection Zuko feels?

Nothing can mar this. Not when Aang is with him.

“I want to be there for you. I want to do everything in my power to provide reparation, to acknowledge the harm that's been done to your people, to offer my effort to make it right again... but I don't know how. I need you, Aang.” He stares into his eyes, gold meeting gray. “I need you to teach me. To tell me if I'm doing it wrong.”

“Okay,” Aang says, simply. “I'll be your advisor in this.”

“I'm so sorry that I'm asking this of you. I'm sorry that this is yet another burden piled up on top of your other responsibilities.”

Aang sighs. It's not a sad sigh, nor a frustrated sigh. Just... a deep exhale. “Someone has to do it. Might as well be me.”

“I wish you didn't have to.”

“Wishing is pointless. We might as well act on what we have.”

Zuko shakes his head. “I still can't accept the things that I suffered through. I haven't forgiven my family for what they've done. My father is rotting in prison, and he deserves it. For what he's done to me, to you, to this nation. The fact that you can be so calm about it... how? How can you be so calm?”

“Forgiving is not forgetting. What has been done has been done, and it's still impressed in my memory and will always be. But punishment serves no one.”

“So he should just... not pay for what he's done? Where's the justice in that?”

“Justice is meaningless. Justice is the illusion of balance, based on false ideas of truth.”

“Aang I don't fucking get it. He's a genocidal maniac. Send help.”

“The pain he's caused can't be mended through punishment. It cannot be solved in any way. We can only acknowledge that pain and make sure that it doesn't happen again. And... I'm glad that you're thinking about this. It warms my heart that you feel this way.”

[maxwell-grant]

On Lord Hawthorne

A lot of what makes Lavender Jack special to me is the way it’s so masterfully able to create engaging, modern material out of it’s influences, and it’s creation of a genuinely timeless pulp icon that I think should serve as the ideal baseline for any and all creators who want to create stories based on pulp characters, old and new alike, in the future. 

As I make my way through Season 2 and eagerly await Season 3 I’d like to take the time to talk a little about the often overlooked half of the villain duo of Season 1, Lord Hawthorne, and what I think is interesting about him. Out of the many ways pulp heroes have been reimagined into villains over the decades, Lord Hawthorne stands out to me as easily one of the best ones, as a thoughtful take on the Tarzan character.

Spoilers before the cut

The first thing everyone immediately picks about Lord Hawthorne is that he’s Tarzan, with hardly any ifs or buts about it. He’s Tarzan, and we quickly learn that he’s the villain, part of a villain duo with Lady Hawthorne, the real mastermind and kingpin in pearls behind the story’s events. Having Tarzan as the villain n a story that draws from pulp and Edwardian fiction is already an interesting start, as three of the most popular molds from which are pulp heroes are based on, three of the most popular characters as icons, are Tarzan, the Scarlet Pimpernel, and Sherlock Holmes, all three of which exist in some capacity in the world of Lavender Jack. The Gentleman Villain, The Great Detective, and The Wild Man.

Lavender Jack, as I’ve mentioned, is based on the Pimpernel, as well as other figures such as Spring-Heeled Jack and Bertie Wooster. Jack draws from icons that largely predate the pulp heroes because, in Schkade’s own reasoning, if you’re going to try and create an authentic pulp hero, it only makes sense to use as a base the characters that largely inspired them, and clearly that worked out very well. Jack is a Pimpernel remodeled and recontextualized into modern sensibilities, into an era of superheroes and webcomics.

In the Great Detective’s case, we have the figure of Madame Theresa Ferrier, who is called into the story by the Mayor to try and solve the mystery of Lavender Jack’s identity. Schkade describes Ferrier as a character that pulls from elements of detectives like Hercule Poirot and C.Auguste Dupin as well as Sherlock Holmes, in particular Jeremy Brett’s later year performances. As he describes:

In the series’ final years, Brett was getting older, sicker, hindered by bipolar medications that sapped his energy and caused him to gain weight, and he used it. His Holmes became a fading, melancholic shadow of his younger self, but with the spark of his brilliance showing through when it counted. I always found that so compelling

Ferrier is repeteadly described in-universe as “The Great Detective”, and she is both the oldest as well as the most brilliant character in the comic. Despite her age, despite her physical complications, and the tragedy that surrounds her love life, she is nonetheless incredibly skilled, strong and resourceful, able to unmask Jack and survive a confrontation with Lord Hawthorne and even nearly beat him. Ferrier draws from the Great Detectives of old, but this is a character that could never be mistaken for any of them. She’s not specifically based on any of them because, as Schkade puts it: “I wanted her to be someone I’d never get to draw in a leading role in most of my work-for-hire jobs”. 

Her role in the comic ends up being one of mentorship to Jack, and despite her age being emphasized as well as the idea of her belonging to an older generation of great heroes that now gives way to the younger and hot-blooded Jack as well as Ferrier’s new partner in Honoria Crabb, Ferrier is very much another great example of where the old meets the new in Lavender Jack. Pulling from the great old archetypes but very much recognizable as her own thing. 

Thing is, when it comes to Lord Hawthorne, we don’t really get that, because Lord Hawthorne isn’t really combining the idea of Tarzan with a splash of something new and outstanding and modern. He really is just Tarzan, and not a terribly layered character at that, for much of the story he’s largely just a voiceless bulldozer who exists to do the dirty work of Lady Hawthorne no matter how dirty. This isn’t at all a criticism, because I think Hawthorne being just Tarzan, with little to no bells and whistles and twists on it, is central to what makes him work not just as a great physical threat Jack must overcome (in a similar way to Bane as both a monstrous powerhouse and also having a strong connection to a powerful pulp hero), but also someone whose tragedy comes to light as we finally learn more about him. The fact that he is monosyllabic and largely devoid of any personal interests or life outside of being muscle for Lady Hawthorne is something deliberate, as outlined in a speech given by another character in Chapter 39

Her world's been changing for years, now. She's taking her place in a wider game. A more nuanced game. And you're still...Why, you're only good for one thing, aren't you? Well, maybe two, you old hound, you.

I know why you spend vast stretches of the year off in that jungle. It's not for sport, it's not to keep your edge...it's because when there's no need to fight, no struggle to win, no enemy...there's just...you.

And you know there's not really anything to you, underneath all those scars and muscles.

No dreams, no warmth, no depth. Nothing to love.

So you stay away...and that way, you can come when she calls you. You can sweep back to Gallery and show up all filthy and draw her into your powerful, savage embrace....and maintain your novelty.

All of this so you'll never have to endure a silent sunday afternoon where there's nothing to do, any no one to kill, and your lady simply...doesn't...need you.

You do know this word, don't you, Hawthorne, old fellow? "Novelty?"

And how does he respond?

Not with a denial, but an affirmation that this is ultimately all personhood amounts to, in his worldview. Just one more thing to be conquered and then used as a club to batter others with. 

The very act of a character questioning their own worth and depth of personality usually tends to be a telling sign that they, in fact, have those things even if they are out of touch with them, but Hawthorne doesn’t particularly rebuff anything Van Lund’s saying. He just reaffirms his title as Lord while threatening him with violence, because violence is all he knows. 

As we later learn, Lord Hawthorne isn’t, in fact, the real Lord Hawthorne, but instead he and his wife usurped the title from the real one as they escaped from the jungle, where he was only known as “the wild man”. A man who’s been forced his entire life to live in a kill-or-be-killed world, to live as an animal in constant conflict with humans, was then captured and then brutally tortured every day for over a month, and then found for the first time someone who treated him with something resembling affection, someone who ultimately turned him into a tool for her evil designs, and he readily accepts this because he has no life, no identity, outside of her. He doesn’t even know his own name.

In fact, for all we know, he might as well be John Clayton himself, except he was born in a world where being Tarzan is not the greatest thing ever and there was no Jane or ape mother to guide his malleable heart into something resembling good, and there was only Sarah to mold him into an instrument of murder at his lowest point.

I argue that Tarzan is a character that’s all about freedom and vitality, as a heroic take on an archetype that’s long been the missing link between superheroes and monsters, where the dual nature of mankind between person and ape acts not as a disorder or source of conflict but instead as the ultimate power fantasy in a character who gets the best of both with none of the downsides. Lord Hawthorne isn’t necessarily a return to form, because there is no dual nature to him. There is no gentleman, no Lord Greystoke descendant of nobility, romantic hero and great adventurer and leader of men and whatnot. There is only the ape, and what little façade has been grafted onto him by his master so he can pass off as a person, only long enough until he takes his shirt off and starts murdering people for her. While we get long extended close-ups of the icy cruelty in Lady Hawthorne’s eyes, there is none for Lord Hawthorne, because he is not cruel, he is an animal. He’s not a fighter, he’s a survivor. He lives to kill and serve the person who tells him who or what to kill. 

Lord Hawthorne is what happens when you strip the Tarzan legend of the romanticism of fiction and you look at it for what it would likely result in: the tragic story of a child forced to grow in the jungle, where the concept of personhood and human decency are utterly meaningless and there is only survival, where his existence is at odds with the worlds of man and animal alike, and what happens when that sort of being receives a first contact with something resembling decency and love. Even if said first contact wasn’t with someone as evil as Lady Hawthorne, there was little chance Lord Hawthorne’s life was ever going to be anything other than just an extension of his life in the jungle, or end in anything other than tragedy, and ultimately even the characters start to pity the wild man.

Jack: All that power and stamina and fighting acumen, but yet all you seem to get to use it for is...this. Another laborious climb to another locked-room murder.

Ferrier: You've long passed the point where human lives hold any meaning. You are detached from our species, a...a stranger, loose among us. I thought the sight of you would stir distain in me, or even fear...but as I look at you now...I feel for you only the strangest sort of pity.

What I like most about Lord Hawthorne as a take on Tarzan is that, far too often, we see intended “deconstructions” or reinterpretations of the classic pulp heroes, or even superheroes, that largely just make them villainous by extrapolating the worst possible interpretations of the character’s traits or real-life circumstances around them to villainize them, or outright invent faults and problems that weren’t there in the source material, usually to put one character over the other. The entirety of League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is built on this, as is a lot of Superman parodies built on getting the most graphically shocking results possible. 

I'll admit it’s somewhat hypocritical of me to criticize this entirely, because it’s an impulse that I sadly admit I myself have fallen into in my own writings on characters not my own, as anyone who’s ever talked with me about Doc Savage, a character I do not like and cannot bring myself to like, can testify. I get why this happens, even if I understand why it’s shitty. Ultimately, the best “deconstructions” or reinterpretations will always come from people who are best familiar with the material they are using and know exactly the best ways to twist it, like with Mark Waid’s Irredeemable, an Evil Superman comic written by a huge Superman fan who knows exactly the absolute worst ways a Superman character can go sour, and was leagues ahead of works like The Boys and Brightburn who largely just take the “easy” pot shots. 

With Lord Hawthorne, we get a character who’s an evil take on Tarzan, but whose evilness isn’t made from exaggerating or adding faults to the source material character, which could very easily be done. I never got the sense that the author hates Tarzan and wants everyone to hate Tarzan and is willingly to sacrifice immersion just to get across how much he hates Tarzan (again, something LOEG does way too often), in fact it really doesn’t matter how the author feels about Tarzan, because those feelings are irrevelant to what’s on the page. 

Instead, Lord Hawthorne is an evil take on Tarzan whose characterization is largely based on just looking at the source material, the character’s origins, and extrapolating the circumstances in which that could go sour. What would a “wild man” forced to grow up and fight for survival every day in the jungle look like, what would that person look like when making it’s first contact with human affection, how could that person be twisted and manipulated into becoming a villain, what’s even left to that person outside of violent action scenes. How little it would take to twist a childhood hero into a brute that murders old women in their hospital beds, just by tweaking a few details about the context surrounding him. 

He is not a caricature of Tarzan, he’s not a parody, he is just Tarzan, but no longer the power fantasy. No longer the center of fantastical adventures. No longer getting the best of both worlds, but instead having to contend with the worst of them. Ultimately only finding some dignity in death, with his nemesis expressing hope that, maybe somewhere else, he’s going to have better luck than what this world afforded him.

[seyaryminamoto]

One of the big things about "The Beach" to me is that it seems to suggest that Zuko may be the least empathetic among the Fire teens. Azula shows the most empathy to her brother and her friends, Ty Lee shows the second most, Mai the third most, and Zuko the least. So the point of the episode was to portray the three girls sympathetically while highlighting Zuko's limitations. The issue then is that they never really went back to Zuko's lack of empathy. Thoughts?

Eh, well... the show refuses to go back on a lot of Zuko’s exposed flaws, no matter how they may be highlighted and shown as a problem, so I guess I’d just say what’s one more, in the end, among a pile of many unresolved personal issues? :’D

I think some people would try to argue that Azula wasn’t empathetic at all, but I’d say the key element in these regards is that Azula seemed to backtrack at least once with Ty Lee when she apologizes to her after reducing her friend to tears with her harsh words. It’s fair enough that Azula was very insulting, but she takes it back quickly and admits she knows what her actual problem is, implying there’s self-reflection, self-awareness and remorse enough to not only acknowledge her behavior was out of place, but to know why she impulsively acted the way she did.

Meanwhile, Zuko mocks and calls Ty Lee a circus freak (and, yes, Azula laughs about it), and nothing he says suggests he regrets hurting her. That, honestly, is the core of the problem as far as I can tell: maybe Zuko felt bad for saying what he did? But nowhere in the episode will you find him saying it aloud, which is the typical Zuko issue: more than once he does genuine damage with his actions or words to real people, whether people who were kind to him or people who should be important to him, and he barely ever vocalizes any apologies or remorse for those actions. Heck, right after insulting Ty Lee he tries to rile up Mai to fight Ty Lee because she insulted Mai’s aura? And all of it really is reduced to “he’s angry at himself”. See... I don’t mind the explanation one bit. But I do mind that he not only faces next to no consequences for that behavior (since merely acknowledging what he’s angry about is no actual display of remorse for how he behaved), but he also displays no signs of change or wanting to act differently, and the whole thing’s swept under a rug just because his firebending outburst looks very cool and dramatic. Thus, yes, it’s very easy to conclude, as you did, that Zuko lacks empathy and fails to recognize this as a problem altogether.

Though I will disagree with you in one regard and that is Mai. I... don’t think she displayed any empathy, frankly. She’s more down-to-earth than the others, I’d say, but the way she talks to both Azula and Ty Lee doesn’t really suggest any empathy to me. She’s adamant about making sure Zuko knows she’s mad at him, and while she kisses him at the end, it’s not some sort of “omg I’m so sorry Zuko I didn’t stop to think about your feelings :(((” sort of kiss, it’s a way of showing him she cares about him even if he’s a trainwreck... which, sure, might make Zuko happier, but it doesn’t necessarily mean she “understands” him or is particularly invested in helping him out of his cycle of self-hatred.

I guess that’s one potential factor why Zuko and Mai are so conflictive in canon, I don’t think either one is particularly empathetic with the other -- or with anyone else, maybe except Iroh in Zuko’s case, and only in Book 3. This is certainly why the two of them really should grow up, A LOT, before being in a relationship, but I suppose it’s one thing where ATLA is ironically terrible and brilliant simultaneously: they don’t sugarcoat how conflictive they can be, the way a fanfic writer might reduce their problems to nothingness and absolute irrelevance just because they ship it. So their relationship is absolutely not “romance goals”, but it feels like a genuine teenage romance because of that.

Still, that’s not what we’re talking about: I agree on the most part, Anon, though I suspect the conclusion you’ve reached, and that many of us can and will reach, isn’t quite what the writers and showrunners intended for us to conclude with that episode. We’ve always heard that Book 3 was supposed to feature a storyline about Azula being arranged in marriage to someone, a plotline that was scrapped because she would have had far more focus than they could afford giving her (and what a mistake that was xD). This episode is said to be a minimized version of that plotline, to explore these characters and their dynamics (as well as introducing the factor of Combustion Man’s hunt of Aang, which starts in this episode), only, it may have highlighted a few issues with the characters (especially with Zuko) that simply aren’t dealt with properly, probably because this episode wasn’t intended to do that. Sadly, many episodes weren’t intended to do that with Zuko :’)

A lot of people have criticized The Beach for a myriad of reasons, most of all that the episode is “meaningless filler” (I couldn’t disagree more, but not everyone can appreciate downtime for characters, not even when it expands your understanding of who they are), or that the Fire Nation gang shouldn’t be framed as a happy group of friends we all should love when they vandalized and burned down a house just because they were mad at perfectly innocent (if dumb) teenagers :’D but I guess maybe one secret reason some Zuko fans might not be happy with this episode is that it really doesn’t paint him in a good light altogether and they’re appalled by that? 

Either way, I genuinely enjoy this episode because it humanized the characters, I’d say, and whether that humanization was flattering or not isn’t quite the most important element of the character work that was done this time. I guess I’ll spiral back to what I said above with Mai and Zuko: the show doesn’t sugarcoat the problems these four have, just as it doesn’t attempt to resolve them. Would I rather it had resolved them, at least a few of them? Personally, yes, though I doubt they could have done it in the span of a single episode. At the same time, I’m glad they didn’t hide these problems in the characters because they easily could have, so I’m grateful they didn’t do that. As usual, the problem with Zuko lies in the fact that a lot of people credit him with growth he never did, and values that he never displayed, that we would have to assume he learned just because he’s a better person now, not so much because we have solid evidence that proves he learned them at all. So it’s yet another issue with his character, and another thorn that pokes out of his redemption arc that shows it’s absolutely not as perfect and well-rounded as most his fans (and a lot of ATLA viewers) have convinced themselves it is.

[sepublic]

After that episode, I can't get it out of my head that Luz was chosen by the Titan(since it implied that something on the Titan is still alive)to remove Belos from the throne and bring back the Savege Age. Imagine if he, or some manifestation of his power, made Azura's books, or that he created Creppy Luz, in an attempt not to arouse suspicion until his chosen one finished their job and returned to their home.

…Anon. This has been an idea that’s been ruminating in my head ever since the line that Belos can ‘talk’ to the Titan. Ever since the possibility came into play that he and Luz would both have Light motifs. Just, the IDEA of them being parallels and foils to one another…

(Hold on I’ll segway into your idea eventually, this is a LONG post incoming!)

When the Season 1B trailer was released, Dana showed off some fanart of our main cast; Luz, Eda, and King… Willow, Gus, Amity, Lilith… and Belos?! And this baffled me a bit; Sure he has status as the Main Antagonist, so he is important. But compared to all of the other characters, who at least have some form of meaningful, emotional connection with one another… Amongst everyone else who feels personal and thematic, and so human (albeit not in the literal sense, sans Luz)…

Why is BELOS there?! Amongst such endearing people who are basically the protagonists of their own story, and it’s easy to see why! Even with the revelations of Lilith, she’s still someone with emotional love for her sister and the ‘hero’ of her own story… So I had to wonder if maybe Dana was implicating the same for Belos; Because the way a creator regards a character of theirs, says a lot about how they’re probably going to be handled. Everybody else in the art is someone the creator herself has a clear affection towards…

Would we see Belos, as more than just a tyrant, but as a person with his own insecurities? Someone we could understand even if we hate, someone with thematic parallels and conflicts with the rest of the cast, to the point where he can be included a group-shot of all these other people who with better circumstances could easily be a family… Belos feels so out-of-place, so maybe he’s intended to eventually have a place here?

Maybe I’m looking too much into it. But then Belos’ VA, Matthew Rhys, alluded to the character being ‘misunderstood’. And now… NOW, with the revelation that he can ‘talk’ to the Titan… Not unlike Luz, who was taught by Eda to listen to it, and learned more about the nature of glyphs and earned the Ice Glyph because of this?

I think Luz and Belos are being set up as two characters with a special relationship with magic, a very unorthodox one that may or may not come as a result of their ‘disability’ with it. I feel there’s the idea that if Luz was trusted… then so was Belos, at some point.

And that’s just making my mind race. Going into pure, unfounded speculation here… what if in the past, Belos was also like Luz- Someone who had a genuine passion for magic, someone who was a bit of an outcast… A bright, young witch-in-training who had to surpass his own inabilities in magic, but made up for it with genuine passion and love! That he had a special ability to communicate with others, that he was almost infectious with his personality…

And that this likableness made Belos privy to the Titan, and vice-versa. That he got its attention and the two talked, especially on ideas of Magic, and wide-eyed plans on what to do with it, how to share a gift and make the best use of it! I think maybe Belos was grateful to the Titan, regarded it as a personal and close friend of his…

So of course, he had to make sure its gift of Magic was appreciated, right? I don’t know where the exact idea of the Coven System came from… Maybe it was just to feed himself with bile and make others weaker, but maybe there was ALSO the reason of Belos thinking that this was the right way to do it; Turning society, witches, and magic into a functioning machine that is clearly defined into individual, focused parts! Parts that turn and work together to contribute to a higher purpose, a system that elevates the truly worthy, those who’ve earned their position through a true devotion and love for magic!

And the Titan was swayed by these ideas, and agreed. Maybe the Titan was also trying to figure out how best to let its gift be utilized. In all honesty I wouldn’t be shocked if there was some persuasion and coercion, and a bit of force and brainwashing involved on Belos’ behalf, to ‘convince’ the Titan… Or if it simply could not find anyone else who could talk to it, that there was nobody else with such a personal connection to magic that they personally forged, nobody else with such a defiant will when it came to doing what was right…

Maybe a part of Belos believes that the Coven System will go out of its way to include everyone, to give everyone a purpose so nobody is meaningless. Maybe a part of him feels triumphant at having ‘conquered’ his weakness as an individual and learned to conform, and that if nobody else can do the same even with an entire society offering assistance to assimilate them… Then maybe that’s their choice and they don’t deserve help by this point. Perhaps to Belos, his adversity proved himself as greater than most, and he thinks that only the most worthy deserve magic.

And for a while, the Titan agreed… perhaps by some coercion and manipulation on Belos, behalf, as well as a disconnect from everyone else and some jaded cynicism to boot. But then comes in Luz the human, who is a total outsider… But she unconditionally loves and appreciates magic for what it is.

Someone who isn’t concerned with it as a tool to make the most of, but simply just to enjoy in the delights and passion and share it with others… That yes, it’s her hyper-fixation and Luz will totally explore magic to her fullest extent. But she won’t require others to be as ‘grateful’ and worshipping of the Titan… Luz is unorthodox and creative and knows how to mix with magic in a way that others couldn’t imagine.

And to the Titan, it hears Luz and speaks to her. Not since the very beginning of course, Witches before Wizards establishes that Luz has no magical destiny and that she has to ‘earn’ and make one for herself… And I think that’s what she did in Adventures in the Elements. That in her faithful devotion to magic, Luz earned its attention and ‘blessing’ in a sense. And now… NOW, the Titan is listening to her. Considering what she has to say. Just as others have listened to Luz, and considered what SHE has to say…

Luz isn’t intruding and forcing her will upon others like Belos, either! The Titan is considering her as someone that could show it the truth of magic, someone more trustworthy with the gift than the Emperor, a Witch to teach the rest and act as the Titan’s new prophet/spokesperson… And I can see the show reaching a narrative conflict as Luz and Belos clash over their respective philosophies in magic, to earn the favor of the Titan… That eventually, Belos will lose the Titan, who will be fully betrayed by his hunger for power, desire for conformity, and lack of reverence for the lives of others.

It’ll go with Luz, someone who is truly idealistic. Luz the human, who is Young Blood… versus Belos’ Old Soul. Luz, who knows the True Way of magic, versus Belos, who has lost his way, long ago… Or is about to, at least. Like Lilith, Belos will accuse Luz of ‘taking’ a life-long companion away from him… When in reality, Belos drove away the Titan himself, long ago.

(TL;DR I think Belos is going to pull a Scarlemagne from Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts and have personal, emotional connections to the cast, and become someone who under a different life could’ve easily been family. But right now, this dude is also NUTS and needs to be taken down, ASAP!)

[zodiactalks]

Gemini Personality Traits (21 SECRETS)

Do you ever stop to think about what makes Gemini Zodiac sign so different?

If you are born under Gemini, you are mostly considered as a person who is not sensible in many situations. However, there are many more traits that are linked to Gemini Zodiac signs.

Let me take you through the 21 secrets of Gemini personality traits that make them stand out.

1. Gemini is a peacekeeper and avoids intense quarrels

Gemini avoids conflicts in all ways possible. They stay away from meaningless dramas.

They prefer focusing on ways to improve their life rather than engage in uncalled for conflicts.  

2. Gemini strike back if aggravated

Gemini doesn’t easily get annoyed but if they are deliberately provoked, they hit back.

They will humble you if you aggravate them beyond measure or if you overstep them.

3. Gemini has unwavering loyalty to those closest to them

Once a Gemini is committed to you, you’ll no doubt enjoy their unwavering loyalty.

Though selective, in choosing a trusted friend or a partner, if you earn Gemini trust you’ll have a lifetime confidant.

4. Gemini is always in deep thought and producing creative ideas

The Gemini brain is always active as they are constantly reflecting on diverse ideas that can address their current situation. They are extremely curious and are interested in different things.

5. Gemini value freedom and are naturally autonomous

Gemini is exceptionally self-directed and likes following their path.

Gemini lives by the principle of ‘my life my rules’. So if you don’t want to lose them, avoid controlling them.

6. Gemini is always on the lookout for new information

Gemini has a unique way of making observations and obtaining information from all places.  They are natural investigators, and can easily get into the root cause of an issue.

7. Gemini can sometimes be flirtatious

Gemini can be teasing at times or can make romantic advances even if they don’t have serious intentions. Their friendly nature makes it possible for them to flirt unknowingly.

8. Gemini doesn’t like people who do nothing but cry and whine

Gemini doesn’t tolerate people who are excessively moaning about anything and everything. They try as much as possible to keep away from those who always find fault in all situations.

9. Gemini likes to associate with mind-provoking individuals

You can instantly get a Gemini attention if you introduce an interesting and brilliant conversation that can stimulate their mind. They also love being in a company of funny people.

10. Gemini speaks their mind out without fear of contradiction

Gemini doesn’t withhold their opinions. They say it as they see it. They speak their mind openly letting the world know their point of view without fear of contradiction.

11. Gemini is a compassionate and genuine friend

Gemini will go out their way to offer you a shoulder to cry on…even when you didn’t ask for it. They have unique ways of using comforting words to make you relax.

12. Gemini can be unpleasantly strange or eccentric

Gemini can reveal some odd and unusual personality traits that may be surprising to many. They can be impulsive and at the same time help in making situations fun and exciting.

13. Gemini is at good convincing and winning over people

Gemini can use charming or flattering language to convince someone to do something. They can sweet-talk and flatter you to do whatever it is they want you to do.

14. Most of the times Gemini is ceaselessly in action

Gemini gets bored of staying motionless at the same point for long. They are always in motion to accomplish their goals. They also like exploring different surroundings.

15. Gemini is curious and motivated by a desire to learn more about something

Gemini is the most curious of all signs and inquires about barely everything.

They’re inventors and always aim at coming up with something new. They are driven by the desire to learn new things.

16. Gemini is sensitive and has mood swings sometimes

Gemini can experience extreme fluctuations in their emotional state. Their emotions alternate between feelings of happiness and comfort and feelings of anger, irritability, or depression. They are amazing when happy but emotionally sensitive when sad.  

17. Gemini are extremely cautious about who they talk to about their personal life

Gemini talks a lot but also exercises caution when it comes to topics relating to their private life. They’re reluctant to open up if they don’t trust other parties.

18. Gemini love deeply but it takes them a while before they commit

Gemini takes time to fall in love to any one person but once they commit they give their relationship the best. They’re either completely in love or not at all.

19. Gemini loves adventure and exciting activities

Gemini loves to participate in bold, usually risky activities. They are naturally adventurous, be it in love life, job or leisure pursuits. Gemini is always willing to take chances and to explore new places.

20. Gemini uses satire and humour to liven situations

Gemini has a dry, witty personality. People have a hard time handling their dry wit. Their dry sense of humour is often considered as a form of intelligent and satirical playfulness.

21. Gemini can be flexible and can easily adapt to situations

Adaptability makes Gemini so much different from other Zodiac. They are able to change to deal with new situations and practice emotional tolerance when facing life challenges.

[bangtan-sonyeonddaeng]

Ghost Jungkook Reaction| You bump into him and can now see him (final)

pt.1  pt. 2  pt. 3

You woke up that morning feel more anxious than you had in a while. You were terrified for how Jungkook’s friends were going to react to the things you would tell them. 

“You nervous?” Jungkook asks. 

“That’s an understatement.” You breathe out a heavy sigh. 

“I don’t know if it helps you at all but, my friends are really nice people. I promise they won’t be mean to you. Jimin might be a little difficult at first but.. don’t give up please.”

“I won’t Jungkook, I promise. I’ll do anything I can if it means helping you and making you smile.” Jungkook looks away shyly at that, but he feels himself filled with a happiness he hasn’t felt for a long time. 

“Thank you. Seriously I don’t know if fate or whatever had anything to do with this but, meeting you is what that feels like. You’ve helped me so much just by staying with me and keeping me company but the fact that you are willing to do so much just to try and make me happy is.. overwhelming but in a good way.” You smile at him, but also feel overwhelmed with realizing just how attached you have gotten to Jungkook and enjoy his company. It makes you a little sad to think after all this is over you may not ever seen him again. Jungkook sees the sadness flash across your face if only for an instant. 

“What’s wrong y/n?”

“I’m just really going to miss you is all. This place is going to feel so empty without you in it.” Jungkook looks away, also looking rather down about all of this too. 

“Actually I wanted to talk to you about that.. I don’t know if I even want to-” Just then there is a knock on the front door.

“That must be Hoseok.” You walk over and open it, greeting Hoseok with a smile but then you notice someone new standing behind him. 

“Hoseok? Who’s that?”

“Oh, this is Namjoon. Nothing really gets past him and he kept pestering me all night asking me what was bothering me so I finally told him. He’s a very logical person and of course thought I had gone insane so I brought him here to meet you and see Jungkook for himself. He also will be a really big help in convincing the other members. He’s always sort of been like a leader and person we’ve looked up to.” 

“It’s nice to meet you y/n.” He holds his hand out and you shake it. When he smiles at you, you see his dimples and it makes you think he’s adorable. You turn around and whisper at Jungkook so they can’t hear.

“What the hell Jungkook where did you all come from? Are you all angels or something because nobody has business being that handsome.” He busts out laughing at that and you giggle along with him. Jungkook looks away blushing slightly when he realizes you also just called him handsome. Namjoon looks at you, head tilted in confusion. 

“Ah sorry. Come in Namjoon! You want to say hi to Jungkook?”

“Well, yeah I mean, I still think this is just some hoax but... I guess I’ll just have to see for myself.” He holds his hand out and Jungkook lightly touches his fingers to his. 

“Hey, hyung.” Namjoon pulls his hand back into him in shock. 

“J-Jungkook?! Is that actually you?”

“Yes it’s me.”

“But how?”

“None of us really know.” Namjoon turns his gaze to you and Hoseok.

“You were actually telling the truth. You’re not crazy. I’m not crazy.”

“Nope. I assure you we all thought the same thing.” Namjoon laughs. 

“Yeah, Hoseok told me about how this guy here kept pestering you because you ignored him. You thought he was a hallucination.”

“I still can’t believe you did that to me y/n I’m hurt.” You all laugh at that.

“It’s good to see you though Kook. I guess we better work on getting the rest of the guys here then huh?”

“Yeah... I guess so.” You fidget nervously with your hands. Jungkook approaches you and makes his hands solid for a moment to hold yours and help calm you down. 

“Y/n everything will be okay. I promise. You trust me right?” You nod your head and Jungkook lets go of you with a smile on his face.

“Um.. Hobi and Y/n do you mind if I talk to Jungkook for a second alone?”

“No that’s fine. We’ll meet you at the car Namjoonie.” You and Hoseok leave while Jungkook stands there, nervously shifting on his feet. 

“Kook you love her don’t you?” Jungkook’s lifts his eyes up to meet Namjoon’s.

“Is it that obvious?”

“To most people no, but you know how perceptive I am. You can see it in your eyes. You’re so infatuated it’s gross.” Namjoon teases him and Jungkook laughs. 

“Hyung I can’t help it. Y/n was there for me through everything. She’s so incredibly kind and caring. And you know what she said this morning? She would do anything for me if it meant I was happy and smiling. How can I not fall for her? She’s just… I’ve never met someone like her before.” 

“Hoseok said you think once you meet all the other members you’ll finally be able to move on?”

“I don’t know for sure.. it’s just a feeling I have that this is the reason I am tied here. Because I had no idea how you all were doing and how to reach you and see if you were okay.”

“So what are you going to do after we all come here and see you and you know we’re all okay? What about y/n?”

“I don’t know hyung. I’m so conflicted with everything. I want to move on. But at the same time I don’t. I want to stay here with y/n and where you all can visit me. But I know it’s selfish of me. I’m dead. I can’t give y/n the relationship she deserves and I can’t give you all the friendship you want either. I can’t leave this apartment.”

“I think y/n really cares about you too. She’s very fond of you. Her eyes get all soft when she looks at you.” Jungkook perks up at this. 

“Really? You think so?”

“I do. And I also think y/n is the type of person that would take your company and companionship over any meaningless physical relationship with someone else. Hoseok told me, before he came back here the way she talked about you.. I think she really likes you but is probably too afraid to get attached because there is a good possibility after tonight you won’t be here anymore.” 

“I guess I better make up my mind while you guys are gone then huh?”

“Yeah I think that would be for the best. Do something that will make you happy, Jungkook. If that’s staying here, then do that. If it’s moving on, then that’s okay too. We won’t forget about you. Ever.” Namjoon holds his hand out and Jungkook reaches out to grab his too, giving it a comforting squeeze. 

“Thank you, Namjoon. You always know just what to say to keep my mind at ease. I think I know what I want.. but I’ll wait until you guys get back and think it over for sure.” Namjoon smiles. 

“Alright Jungkookie. Take care of yourself. I’ll be back soon.”

You are standing in Hoseok's apartment now and there are six sets of eyes all on you. You rock back and forth on the balls of your feet nervously, staring down at them and not meeting anyone’s eyes. 

“U-um. I’m s-sure you all are wondering who I am and wh-why I’m here.” Hoseok places a hand on your shoulder and gives you an encouraging smile. 

“It’s okay y/n. I can talk to them if you want to.” You nod, and begin fidgeting with your bracelet. 

“Wait a minute. Why does she have Jungkook’s bracelet?” Taehyung stands off the couch and begins making his way towards you and you flinch. He immediately stops. 

“Taehyung sit down. This is really overwhelming for y/n right now. I’ll explain everything.” 

“You’re right.. I’m sorry y/n. Please go ahead and you both tell us whatever you need to.”

“Well, I bumped into y/n here at the coffee shop and I saw the bracelet too. So of course I confronted her on it because, why the heck did she have our Jungkookie’s bracelet? I was livid at first. Thought she had stolen it or something or was stalking me but then she explained everything. And I know it is going to sound crazy but I assure you everything she is going to tell you is true.” 

“It is.” Namjoon adds. “I saw it with my own eyes as well. So did Hoseok. Go ahead y/n tell them.” 

And so you do. You tell them about how you moved into his apartment, how you had met Jungkook, how you continued to stay with him because you genuinely cared about him and would never abandon him or hurt him. You wanted to make sure all of his friends knew that because you could see how much they all cared about him. Just the mention of his name caused their eyes to glaze over as if they were lost in memories. When you finish telling them no one speaks. It’s so quiet you can hear a pin drop. Jimin is the first to break the silence. 

“Is this some kind of joke? Some way to try and make me feel better about the whole thing because if it is that’s really messed up. I know you all are worried about me because I have been secluding myself in my room and gave up dancing but this is just too much.” He goes to leave but you call after him. 

“Jimin wait! Please just look at this.” You hold out the piece of paper Jungkook had wrote incase his friends didn’t believe you. Jimin reads it over and when he sees the drawing at the bottom tears well up in his eyes. 

“T-that’s Jungkook’s handwriting. That’s Cooky. Oh my god. Are you three actually telling the truth? He has been at his apartment the whole time and we just abandoned him?!”

“Hey, Jimin no don’t think like that.” Jin places a hand on his shoulder to soothe him. 

“He doesn't see it that way at all. He just misses you. All of you. That’s why he’s still here because he wants to make sure you all are okay.”

“Can we go see him? Now? Please?” Taehyung looks at you with pleading eyes and you nod.

“Of course you can. That’s why I came here so I could take you all back to the apartment to see him.” 

“I’ll believe it when I see it. I’m not getting my hopes up.” Yoongi states as he stands off the couch. “Once you’re dead you don’t come back. You probably just miss him so much you’re buying into the delusions of this psycho.” 

“Yoongi!” Namjoon scolds him. 

“I’m just speaking my mind. I’ll go to humor you all and be here for you when you realize this is all just a lie and your hearts break all over again.” He walks towards the door and opens it. “Well? Are you all coming or not?” Gradually the rest of the guys stand up and head out the door. You are left in the apartment processing everything. You ask Hoseok to give you a minute and he nods, leaving you alone. Or at least you thought. You see a head of blonde hair enter your field of vision. 

“Jimin?”

“Um.. I just wanted to ask you is Jungkook.. mad at me? Does he blame me? I’m the one who asked him to stay later with me at the studio and I’m the reason he-” His voice cracks and a sob escapes him. You can’t help but want to comfort him so you reach out and hold his hand. 

“Jimin no. No no he isn’t mad at you. He doesn’t blame you at all for what happened. We talked about it one night and he wanted me to assure you of that. He really wants to tell you in person though. I think the words would mean more coming from him.” Jimin nods his head and rubs the tears away from his eyes. Before you can process what is happening you are enveloped in a tight hug. You are shocked, and it takes you a moment to reciprocate the hug but gradually your arms lift up and wrap around his waist. 

“Thank you for taking care of him these past months. He might not show it but he gets lonely really easily so having you there.. I’m sure it means a lot to him.” You can’t help the smile that spreads across your face and Jimin smiles back. 

“Ready to go?” 

“Yeah. I’m ready. Let’s go meet the others.”

You all are standing outside the apartment door now. You turn back to look at them.

“Are you guys ready?” They nod. You open the door and Jungkook is already sat there on the couch. He looks around the group as if to make sure everyone is there and then sighs in relief. 

“You really did it. You all really came for me.”

“Of course they did. They love you and care about you so much.” 

“And Jimin?”

“Jimin’s not the problem it’s this grump right here.” Hoseok says as he pinches Yoongi’s cheek. He slaps his hand away. Jungkook rolls his eyes and walks over to Yoongi and places his hand on his shoulder. Yoongi tenses and his eyes widen in shock.

“What the fuck?!” He backs up until his back is pressed against the wall. “You really were telling the truth?”

“...Yeah I was. I wouldn’t lie to you all about something like this. What reason would I have to hurt you when I don’t know any of you?” Yoongi’s gaze softens. 

“I’m sorry y/n. I shouldn’t have said those things to you.”

“It’s okay. I understand you were just confused and hurt.” 

“Jungkook I can’t believe this.. you’re still here. How are you? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine hyung. But more important how are you?” A small smile forms on Yoongi’s face.

“I’m good. Now I’m good.” 

“Hey Jungkook if you can hear us can you just like, bump into the rest of us now so we can see you too and join the conversation. Don’t leave your favorite hyung waiting!” Jin calls out. Jungkook laughs and walks around his circle of friends touching their arms until they all can see him now. They all begin laughing and talking animatedly with one another, like nothing had even changed between them all. Jimin still seems to be in shock. He’s standing quietly away from everyone, staring at Jungkook with an unreadable expression. You walk over to him and place a hand on his shoulder.

“Jimin? Are you okay?” He nods.

“I just can’t believe he’s there. My best friend is right here… that I thought I lost forever is right in front of me and I have no idea what to say to him.”

“Would it be easier for you to talk to him alone?” Jimin nods. You clear your throat loudly and everyone turns to look at you.

“Um, you guys? Why don’t we let Jimin and Jungkook talk for a second okay?” They look at Jimin and see how overwhelmed he looks and agree. You tell Jungkook he can take him to his room to talk private. As soon as the bedroom door shuts Jimin breaks down. 

“Jungkookie how can you not hate me? I’m the reason you’re dead. If I wouldn’t had insisted on staying late for practice we wouldn’t have been walking in that area when that guy was driving. We would have been home safely.. I just don’t understand.” 

“Jimin I don’t blame you at all. It wasn’t your fault. It was that guy’s fault for getting behind the wheel drunk. You did nothing wrong. I could never hate you, you’re my best friend. And my favorite hyung. Just don’t you dare tell Jin that he’ll bring me back to life just to kill me again.” Jimin giggles at that, wiping his tears away. “Why did you stop dancing?”

“Because it reminded me too much of you and what happened. Dancing is the reason you’re dead and I couldn’t.. I couldn’t do it anymore. Every time I left the studio I was a complete wreck so I just quit.”

“But don’t you miss it? Dancing was like your life force and you were so good at it. I loved watching you dance.” Jimin sighs as he considers his words. 

“I do miss it.. a lot. But I just don’t know if I can.”

“Will you try? For me? Please? I don’t want to have to constantly be wondering if you’re happy. And dancing makes you happy.” Jimin smiles. 

“Yeah. Yeah I’ll try. I promise.” Jimin holds out is pinky and Jungkook smiles, linking their fingers together. “Oh! Why can I feel your hand?”

“I can make parts of me solid for a short period of time but it takes a lot of energy so I don’t do it every often.”

“Ah that’s cool.” Jimin’s expression suddenly changes and he gives Jungkook a cheeky smile. “So you and y/n?” Jungkook blushes and looks away.

“What about me and y/n?”

“Oh come on she’s totally your type! And she’s really sweet and cares about you an awful lot.”

“It doesn’t matter Jimin. I’m dead I can’t give her a normal relationship.”

“Something tells me she wouldn't care about that.” 

“Namjoon hyung said the same thing..” There’s a silence that settles over them as Jimin seems to be thinking about something. 

“Are you really going to leave now?”

“I don’t think so. I want to stay here with all of you and with y/n. I really like her. Maybe even love her.. But this is so complicated I don’t even know what to say to her.”

“Just be honest Kookie. Tell her how you feel. I’m sure she feels the same way. If I promise to dance again I want you to promise me you’ll tell her after we all leave.” 

“Okay. I promise.” Jimin smiles and stands up. 

“I’ll see you another time then?” 

“Yes. I’m going to stay. So you can see me whenever you want to hyung.” They both step out of the room now and back into the living room. They all stay for a while longer, catching up on things Jungkook had missed and before long it is becoming late into the evening. 

“Well, we should probably go then. See you next weekend Jungkook?”

“Sure! I would love to see you guys again.” You tilt your head in confusion at Jimin. 

“Wait what? Jungkook I thought-”

“And that’s our cue to go! Come on you guys let’s give these two some time alone.” Jimin ushers everyone out of the apartment and throws a wink at Jungkook over his shoulder.

“What was he talking about? Aren't you leaving?” Jungkook pats the spot on the couch next to him and you sit facing him. 

“I don’t want to leave. I kind of like it here. My friends all know I’m here and I know they’re going to be okay now. I don’t want to just leave them after they finally got to see me again. And... Most of all I don’t want to leave you.” Your heart flutters in your chest. “I really like spending time with you. I love your company. I don’t feel that lonely ache in my chest anymore because you were the missing piece that filled in that gap. I guess, what I'm saying is that along the way I developed feelings for you. But I know our relationship wouldn’t be anything conventional so if you want to move out I completely understand. Who wants to live in a house with a ghost who fell in love with them-”

“I would.” 

“What?”

“I would love to live in a house with a ghost who fell in love with me. Because I have feelings for him too.” Jungkook eyes widen.

“You.. you love me too?”

“How could I not? You’re so sweet and kind to me. You take care of me as best as you can. I don’t care that our relationship won’t be normal. I don’t want that if it means I don’t get to have you. The companionship and happiness you make me feel means so much more to me than any ‘normal’ relationship someone else could offer. And when you kissed me on my forehead… I haven’t felt butterflies like that in my life.” Jungkook looks away, feeling embarrassed.

“I thought you were asleep..”

“I was until you kissed me. But I pretended to still be asleep because I didn’t want you to freak out.”

“So... does this mean we’re together then?”

“If you want us to be. I would really like that.”

“You really don’t care that I’m dead? That we won't be able to uh... have much of a physical relationship?”

“No. I mean yeah it sucks I can’t hug you for more than a few minutes but, you did cook me breakfast and dinner before so you can make parts of you solid for longer periods of time right?” You wiggle your eyebrows at him and Jungkook grabs a pillow and throws it at you. You both burst out laughing at that. 

“I’m just messing with you, Jungkook. No I really am not bothered by that. I love you for who you are. And you really are an amazing person.” Jungkook leans and presses his lips against yours and you absolutely melt into the kiss, loving the way his lips feel on yours. He pulls away after a few moments and is beaming at you. 

“Are you going to stay then Kookie?”

“Yes I am going to stay.. But please just promise me if this ever becomes too much for you to deal with or if you find someone else.. who’s alive then you can leave. I just want you to be happy.”

“There is no happiness for me without you in my life. I promise I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here with you till the end. Then we can both haunt this apartment together.” Jungkook giggles at that, but he feels a warmth spreading throughout his chest at the prospect of being with you even in the afterlife. He reaches out and laces your fingers together, sighing happily at the touch. 

“I feel like I owe you so much y/n. Because of you I was able to see my friends again. Jimin is going to start dancing again! Everyone is happy. I’m happy. So incredibly happy I could scream right now and it’s all because of you. Are you sure you aren’t an angel?” You chuckle at that.

“No I am not. But I am pretty sure you must be and aren’t actually a ghost. Because of you I can also say that I am truly happy now.” 

“Well good. Because I intend to do whatever I can to make you happy. For a long long time. And besides! I am the best boyfriend you know? You won’t ever have to worry if I am cheating on you, I can cook for you when you have a hard day at work and am home all the time so we can spend the days together...!” You smile fondly at him as he rambles off all of the reasons he would be a good boyfriend, just as he had before when he was convincing you to live with him and how he would be he best roommate. You’ve come a long way since that day, and in this moment you know, everything you’ll ever need is right here in front of you in the form of bunny smiles, soft forehead kisses, and gentle touches.

[shadowfromthestarlight]

The moment a group of people stormed the Capitol building last Wednesday, news  companies began the process of sorting and commoditizing information that  long ago became standard in American media.

Media firms work backward. They first ask, “How does our target demographic want to  understand what’s just unfolded?” Then they pick both the words and the facts  they want to emphasize.

It’s why  Fox News uses the term, “Pro-Trump protesters,” while New York and The Atlantic use “Insurrectionists.” It’s why conservative media today is stressing how Apple, Google, and Amazon shut down the “Free Speech” platform Parler over  the weekend, while mainstream outlets are emphasizing a new round of  potentially armed protests reportedly planned for January 19th or 20th.

What happened last Wednesday was the apotheosis of the Hate Inc. era, when this  audience-first model became the primary means of communicating facts to the population. For a hundred reasons dating back to the mid-eighties, from the advent of the Internet to the development of the 24-hour news cycle to the end of the Fairness Doctrine and the Fox-led  discovery that news can be sold as character-driven, episodic TV in the  manner of soap operas, the concept of a “Just the facts” newscast designed to  be consumed by everyone died out.

News companies now clean world events like whalers, using every part of the  animal, funneling different facts to different consumers based upon  calculations about what will bring back the biggest engagement kick. The  Migrant Caravan? Fox slices  off comments from a Homeland Security official describing most of the  border-crossers as single adults coming for “economic reasons.” The New York Times counters  by running a story about how the caravan was deployed as a political issue by a Trump White  House staring at poor results in midterm elections.

Repeat this info-sifting process a few billion times and this is how we became, as none other than Mitch McConnell put it last week, a country:

Drifting apart into two separate tribes, with a separate set of facts and separate realities, with nothing in common except our hostility towards each other and mistrust for the few national institutions that we all still share.

The flaw in the system is that even the biggest news companies now operate under the assumption that at least half their potential audience isn’t listening. This leads to all sorts of problems, and the fact that the easiest way to keep your own demographic is to feed it negative stories about others is only the most  obvious. On all sides, we now lean into inflammatory caricatures, because the  financial incentives encourage it.

Everyone monetized Trump. The Fox  wing surrendered to the Trump phenomenon from the start, abandoning its  supposed fealty to “family values” from the Megyn Kelly incident on. Without  a thought, Rupert Murdoch sacrificed the paper-thin veneer of  pseudo-respectability Fox  had always maintained up to a point (that point being the moment advertisers  started to bail in horror, as they did with Glenn Beck). He reinvented Fox as a platform for  Trump’s conspiratorial brand of cartoon populism, rather than let some more-Fox-than-Fox imitator like OAN sell the  ads to Trump’s voters for four years.

In between its titillating quasi-porn headlines (“Lesbian Prison Gangs Waiting To Get Hands on Lindsay  Lohan, Inmate Says” is one from years ago that stuck in my mind), Fox’s business model has  long been based on scaring the crap out of aging Silent Majority viewers with  a parade of anything-but-the-truth explanations for America’s decline. It  villainized immigrants, Muslims, the new Black Panthers, environmentalists —  anyone but ADM, Wal-Mart, Countrywide, JP Morgan Chase, and other sponsors of  Fortress America. Donald Trump was one of the people who got hooked on Fox’s  narrative.

The rival media ecosystem chose cash over truth also. It could have responded to  the last election by looking harder at the tensions they didn’t see coming in  Trump’s America, which might have meant a more intense examination of the  problems that gave Trump his opening: the jobs that never came back after  bankers and retailers decided to move them to unfree labor zones in places  like China, the severe debt and addiction crises, the ridiculous  contradiction of an expanding international military garrison manned by a  population fast losing belief in the mission, etc., etc.

Instead, outlets like CNN and MSNBC took a Fox-like approach, downplaying issues in  favor of shoving Trump’s agitating personality in the faces of audiences over  and over, to the point where many people could no longer think about anything  else. To juice ratings, the Trump story — which didn’t need the slightest  exaggeration to be fantastic — was more or less constantly distorted.

Trump  began to be described as a cause of America’s problems, rather than a symptom,  and his followers, every last one, were demonized right along with him, in  caricatures that tickled the urbane audiences of channels like CNN but made  conservatives want to reach for something sharp. This technique was borrowed  from Fox,  which learned in the Bush years that you could boost ratings by selling  audiences on the idea that their liberal neighbors were terrorist traitors.  Such messaging worked better by far than bashing al-Qaeda, because this enemy  was closer, making the hate more real.

I came  into the news business convinced that the traditional “objective” style of  reporting was boring, deceptive, and deserving of mockery. I used to laugh at  the parade of “above the fray” columnists and stone-dull house editorials  that took no position on anything and always ended, “Only one thing’s for  sure: time will tell.” As a teenager I was struck by a passage in Tim  Crouse’s book about the 1972 presidential campaign, The Boys in the Bus, describing  the work of Hunter Thompson:

Thompson  had the freedom to describe the campaign as he actually experienced it: the  crummy hotels, the tedium of the press bus, the calculated lies of the press  secretaries, the agony of writing about the campaign when it seemed dull and  meaningless, the hopeless fatigue. When other reporters went home, their  wives asked them, “What was it really like?” Thompson’s wife knew from  reading his pieces.

What Rolling Stone did in  giving a political reporter the freedom to write about the banalities of the  system was revolutionary at the time. They also allowed their writer to be a  sides-taker and a rooter, which seemed natural and appropriate because biases  end up in media anyway. They were just hidden in the traditional dull  “objective” format.

The  problem is that the pendulum has swung so far in the opposite direction of  politicized hot-taking that reporters now lack freedom in the opposite  direction, i.e. the freedom to mitigate.

If you  work in conservative media, you probably felt tremendous pressure all  November to stay away from information suggesting Trump lost the election. If  you work in the other ecosystem, you probably feel right now that even  suggesting what happened last Wednesday was not a coup in the literal sense  of the word (e.g. an attempt at seizing power with an actual chance of  success) not only wouldn’t clear an editor, but might make you suspect in the  eyes of co-workers, a potentially job-imperiling problem in this environment.  

We need  a new media channel, the press version of a third party, where those  financial pressures to maintain audience are absent. Ideally, it would:

not be aligned with either Democrats or Republicans;

employ a Fairness Doctrine-inspired approach that discourages       groupthink and requires at  least occasional explorations of alternative points of view;

embrace a utilitarian mission stressing credibility over ratings, including by;

operating on a distribution model that as  much as possible doesn’t depend upon the indulgence of Apple, Google, and Amazon.

Innovations like Substack are great for opinionated individual voices like me, but what’s  desperately needed is an institutional reporting mechanism that has credibility with the whole population. That means a channel that sees its mission as something separate from politics, or at least as separate from politics as possible.

The media used to derive its institutional power from this perception of separateness. Politicians feared investigation by the news media precisely because they knew audiences perceived them as neutral arbiters.

Now there are no major commercial outlets not firmly associated with one or the other political party. Criticism of Republicans is as baked into New York Times coverage as the lambasting of Democrats is at Fox, and politicians don’t fear them as much because they know their  constituents do not consider rival media sources credible. Probably, they  don’t even read them. Echo chambers have limited utility in changing minds.

Media companies need to get out of the audience-stroking business, and by extension  the politics business. They’d then be more likely to be believed when making  pronouncements about elections or masks or anything else, for that matter.  Creating that kind of outlet also has a much better shot of restoring sanity  to the country than the current strategy, which seems based on stamping out  access to “wrong” information.

What we’ve been watching for four years, and what we saw explode last week, is a paradox: a political and informational system that profits from division and  conflict, and uses a factory-style process to stimulate it, but professes  shock and horror when real conflict happens. It’s time to admit this is a  failed system. You can’t sell hatred and seriously expect it to end.

Matt Taibbi is one of the only people I subscribe to. He’s one of the few journalists I like because I actually believe he’s genuine.