#but i cannot do the whole thing of meeting a new therapist trying to trust them again. trusting mh professionals is uh. i can't do it.

[tabbyhoney]

Gorgeous

Inspired by "Fear of you" from @sleepwalkersqueen

Note:The first chapter is done! My current goal is to write a chapter for each week but maybe it will take two weeks sometime but that is an issue for future me. I am really excited to see some feedback and how you guys like it:). On another note, while I try my best to keep a relatively straight line and facts with the original story some things might be wrong, please feel free to correct me if it happens ♥️. My current goal is a total of 5 chapters since I only want these to be a relatively short story that doesn't rewrite too much stuff happening in the original story because I obviously don't just wanna rewrite the fic. Please enjoy!

Next>>

Warnings: I am not a therapist so please take everything written here not as a prime example or as a fact, mention of torture, curse words

Chapter 1

I always wanted to see what more Tartarus had to offer. I wanted to explore every single floor there was. Meeting a new and more dangerous villain each day. Getting to know their thought process, if there really was a bigger masterplan behind it.

Answering my questions that spiraled in my brain like an endless loop. Are they actually wicked? Do they have any sign of humanity in them? Are they just broken souls? Can such a broken mind be fixed? Cliché I know.

All these questions are the real reason why I wanted to work here. Luck was on my side at the time I applied, because they wanted to test out if a therapist might be able to help them with their work (Which basically summarized that they wanted to get more information out of the patients).

But even when I worked with them they still continued with the methods they used before. This did not help make progress since I also had to work with their new experienced trauma which was already bigger than the universe.

If I am honest they were hesitant to hire me, since I graduated young from university and had no experience whatsoever. It took over a month and another month of internship to make them believe that I was cut out for the job. Even now they still don't fully trust me with their whole system. After all, I was a weak point for them.

Once I had the job I was more than thrilled. Finally able to do what I dreamed of since I was a kid. Even though there was still much to achieve. Of course, there is also the aspect of trying to make them stop their own ways for mine to finally be able to bloom just a little bit.

Seeing the number two pro hero walk up to me one day with his mighty steps that sounded like mountains crashing together I would lie if I said I didn't feel my heartbeat stop for a moment. Let alone when he talked to me for two seconds before giving me all I ever wanted with his angry and demanding attitude.

The moment I was granted this wish of mine I regretted it. Not because I stopped believing in my dream but because seeing the actual part of no one should know is frightening. Frightening might even be an understatement.

Their voice, movements, and the way their bodies looked were scaringly disgusting. The air smelt rotten and it was cold not only because of the temperature. People are being drugged out of their brains to keep them calm, they all look like corpses that have been exposed to warmth and air for too long.

From my plain observation, it even seemed like mutants are treated worse than the other prisoners. Which is a common thing even in normal standards of society. I cannot even blame them because mutants can be incredibly scary.

Tartarus. A name that ran a chill down each villain's spine. A place where the moment you step into you may never escape alive. Rumors spread across the underground like wildfire. About what will happen once you are captured and what you have to endure.

The villains that are imprisoned in Tartarus don't make the facility this scary I realized. Maybe the good people think that they are the reason for all this talk, but this is where they are wrong.

"Do whatever you want"

Just remembering those four simple words made my skin crawl. Goosebumps spread across my body. A sentence you might say to a child that you have no interest in dealing with. Or maybe to your trusted hairstylist.

But not to a licensed therapist who is capable of either destroying you or building you back up. Or to the guards who held the interrogation.

The meaning behind the words held something so incredibly heavy I wanted to forget every memory of someone saying these words, no matter who or when.

Because they meant it. They didn't care if I did my job right or not because I wasn't even supposed to be there. I could do whatever I wanted with the person in front of me. The people who have no way of defending themselves because of their chains and quirk suppressors.

-------------------------------------------------------

The air in the small bright room was filled with tension that I created by possibly the worst mistake ever. The guards who were still in the room with me looked at me confused. The only comfort I had at the moment was that the person I directed the mistake to couldn't answer at the moment. But even seeing his eyes shoot up was enough to make me rethink my life choices.

I can clearly feel my face losing its color out of shock from my totally unprofessional behaviour.

"you're so gorgeous"

Whatever ghost possessed me to say that clearly needed new activities to entertain themselves.

With the love for everything I possessed, I cleared my throat and sat down on the chair at the table they provided.

"You can take off the muzzle" my voice rang through the empty room with an echo. It left a chill in my body hearing it so metallic.

The guards hesitated for a moment before they actually started doing their job. They left the room when I gave them another glare, signaling to give us privacy like I asked them to.

Takami-San looked physically exhausted yet his eyes remained sharpness that you don't see very often in patients around here. He had a big grin on his face that I wished I could just wipe off of his face, even if I was the cause of this.

For some reason, he stayed silent. Maybe it was because he was already taunting me or he was waiting for me to introduce myself, I couldn't tell.

"I am Howashi Amaya, I will be your assigned therapist" I introduced myself, a genuine and respectful smile resting on my face.

"Therapist? Sounds fake, they don't care about how fucked up I am" he tilts his head to the side, eyeing me up and down like a bird.

"You're right they don't care, which is why they told me to do whatever I want"

For some odd reason, he seemed to tense up from these words, I wonder why.

"So I decided to just do what I am best at"

"Being a charming girl?"

At that, I took a deep breath. I scrunched my face and looked down at my empty sheet of paper.

When I looked back up he was grinning again god he looked so good stupid.

"Actually no. I meant I will try to help you"

"Help me get out of this shithole?"

"not really I am afraid"

"Ahh shucks"

I waited for a second before actually starting my usual procedure. Which on second thought seemed to be a little too late.

"How has it been?" I click my pen while looking at him, ready to write down whatever I could tell from his response.

"Really? Do you actually ask people this in fucking prison?" His voice sounds raspy.

"I didn't ask how you felt, just how it has been. You could answer nearly everything on it. How you feel, how the people treated you-"

"fucking brilliant, you should get a medal for being a smartass"

"Thank you for calling me smart, I appreciate it"

I silently tap my pen on the paper. Waiting for any kind of reaction from him. As the silence settled I started to notice some weird marks on his neck, they looked kinda infected.

"What do you have on your neck there?" I gestured with the pen on my own neck.

As soon as the question was spoken he tensed and looked more traumatized than a baby chicken that just discovered the big scary world. He broke off the eye contact he previously held with me. His body huddled up in an attempt to look smaller and protect himself, probably with his wings but he wasn't able to do it. Uncomfortable if I need to describe it in one word.

I probably don't need a deeper answer to figure out why they might be there. I silently stand up and walk around the table. He tried to move away from my hands when I reached out but because of the chains, he couldn't move far enough away.

Ever so gently I pulled the collar down and placed my hands on the marks. A familiar warmth spread across my hands and I started to feel how the infected wounds closed and healed.

When I was done I took a step back looking satisfied down at him before returning to my chair.

"Aye... Of course, the doctor has a healing quirk" he mumbles silently.

"Do you have anything you wanna talk about?"

" Aye, why are you here? Never heard of someone like you even working here. Doesn't seem like their style to hire a fucking therapist to fix me or anyone really"

"Good question" I nod in agreement "The answer is simple, I am the only therapist around here. That is why you've never heard of me. The last question shouldn't bother you too much after all you have been here for quite some time and are already in debt worth more than my monthly check"

"Have you ever seen a therapist before?" I ask with a light smile on my face.

"Do I fucking look like it?"

Silence.

"Besides I don't need another bitch asking me any more questions, I have the sparkler for that"

"Sparkler? You mean the number two?"

"Nah I mean the nice guard's captain obvious"

Another silence.

"And I don't need anyone knowing about the stuff I tell him, it's private business." He said in an oddly calm voice.

That certainly amazed me, since I have seen all the recordings of their talk, except the first one. So he wasn't aware that everyone was still listening in. Maybe this will one day be their downfall, why would he be so stern about keeping this a secret if it wasn't necessary.

"Why should no one listen in?"

"Because I said so"

This will be a lot of fun.

"Well with me you can talk about everything you share with Endeavour. No one is listening or watching. I like to keep my talks up to my hands, especially what I share with the government"

And that was not a lie.

-------------------------------------------------------

The room was filled with the sunlight shining through the window above the kitchen counter. The light shone through the leaves of the plants sitting at the window.

It was peaceful. The air was fresh and smelled faintly of fish and rice.

The only sound that destroyed the peace was the TV that played the news

Yet the only real news would be that someone escaped Tartarus and that still isn't public information. I wonder what will happen once the public knows.

Once I turned the TV off the silence that came with it was broken with a call. When I read who was calling I felt my mood drop just a little bit.

"Howashi speaking, what can I help you with today hottest hero in Japan"

"He escaped me!" The man yelled angrily, ignoring my terrible joke.

"who escaped you?" I ask grinning widely.

"Takami! That fucking mutant had his brat stealing my wife's necklace"

He has a child? Now that is a surprise. Even a bigger surprise was that he was stupid enough to let his child steal something from him.

"And how is that my problem?" I ask while standing up and staring out the window biting my nails.

"You worked with him for five years! You know exactly what is going on in his stupid birdbrain" Endeavour yelled. I am not even sure why he is yelling at me, I would hear him loud and clear with a normal tone.

"First of all that is extremely rude talking about mutants like that, I am one as well after all, and not even different from Shinyo. Second just because I worked with him does not mean I understand everything he does"

"But you know where he might go"

I nervously tap my fingers on the kitchen counter. Closing my eyes to contemplate if I actually know where he might go.

If I break it down it comes back to one thing, he has a child and is currently taking care of them. But knowing he has unfinished business makes it counterproductive to take care of a child who has to be at least five or four years old. He probably didn't even know the child existed since he never talked about having one, only about his wife Nitsuki.

Nitsuki? Right, he might be searching for her so he can give her the child. But why wasn't she with them?

"I might have an idea but to be honest it is not crystal clear that he is with her"

"Her?"

"Takami Nitsuki, his wife. If he has a child he will certainly not have any time to deal with it and will try to bring it back. The only question I still have is if she really left the child alone and why he has to bring it back"

"Those are two questions and I want you to come to my agency to discuss this further" he demanded. Almost sounded like I didn't have a choice.

"Alright, I can fly over, when?"

"Now" and he hung up the phone after that. Not even a goodbye.

Once I was dressed and didn't look like I just got out of bed. I walk outside of my apartment building taking off my suppressors.

Once I felt the warmth on my back and my wings regrowing I took a small jump before dashing into the air.

I just hope this story will end on a relatively good note.

[katbluecheese]

I have a dilemma.

I had my first therapy session yesterday with a new professional. Technically I think she's a social worker. But I don't know why I was assigned to a social worker because I specifically signed up for this service because I am already diagnosed bipolar and ADHD, and I'm seeking diagnosis for possible BPD and autism.

This is the second professional I have been assigned. I did not feel comfortable talking with the first one, just from setting up our appointment over the phone. This is a service that actually sends the professional to you. However, my home is not a place I feel comfortable speaking freely. With the first professional I couldn't even communicate to her that I needed to meet her somewhere like a park or something. She was more worried about having to pay a toll on a bridge to come see me, which wasn't even relevant because I don't live on the other side of that bridge.

Anyway, I contacted the service that set me up with the original therapist and requested someone else. It took them a second to find a new person for me. I had my first session with her yesterday. We met in a park, sat on a bench, and I cried my eyes out telling her how hopeless I've been feeling because of the narcissistic abuse I'm experiencing at home, at the hands of my mother. Because I'm also currently pregnant, I am unmedicated for my bipolar disorder, resulting in me being extremely depressed. I'm also concerned about subjecting my child to my mother's narcissistic abuse and potential physical abuse (because she did physically abuse me as a child) once he is born.

This professional responds by telling me to just block out what my mom is saying, to remember many people have it worse than I do, and to listen to music or go on walks (I have been having increasingly difficult mobility issues since becoming pregnant). She also wants me to make to-do lists in order to make my days more productive, to combat my bipolar depression. I explained that my ADHD doesn't executive function like that but I'd try.

This is where my dilemma lies. I don't feel like this was a productive therapy session at all. To tell me to invalidate my own feelings while being verbally and mentally abused, just doesn't sit right with me.

If I were to ask for a different professional, it would take weeks for a new person to be assigned to me. I have a tricky scheduled to work around because I have two jobs, and I'm responsible for getting my boyfriend to and from his full time job. He's epileptic and cannot drive. This lady was able to work around my schedule. She was even willing to meet me on Sundays. I don't know that anyone else would be able to do so.

Something just doesn't feel right with the whole, "other people have it worse," phrase being thrown around. On the other hand, maybe what she told me was sound advice and I'm just too lulu delulu to see it? Idk.

I need some help. I don't trust myself from a lifetime of being harassed for every decision that I make. Any and all advise would be helpful. I don't really have people in my life I can talk to about this sort of thing.

[jinglejanglemornings]

emailed the therapist who i used to see in 2020-summer of 2021 to ask about maybe working together again and i have been obsessively checking my email for the past two days... please get back to me even if it's to say no i can't take the suspense

[pascalpanic]

I have one too! Are you still accepting requests? I was thinking about Javi, Frankie and Jack dating a professional masseuse that can make them relax when their job is very hard (She usually kisses them in the middle of the massage to help to relax faster 😁🥰)

this is sooooo cute and you picked three of the boys that need it most! i love it!

with a masseuse s/o!

Frankie Morales

Frankie’s got major back problems. they started when he was young, but now he still suffers from lots of backaches and muscle spasms. he’s too stubborn to go to the doctor or the physical therapist for it- the doctor, he says, will prescribe him heavy pain meds. he doesn’t want to get looped back into the addiction cycle, and his anxiety makes him fear any substance other than alcohol now. the PT he says is too much work. he doesn’t want to do all the annoying exercises and go to the checkups where they have him stretch and whatever. when he meets you, he thinks your profession is fascinating. he loves massages but he definitely won’t ask you for one. he knows that’s your job and he thinks it would be unfair to ask you to do one for free. when you actually offer, Frankie loses his mind. he loves the way your hands can work and knead at the tender muscles of his back. it’s his favorite thing evser. Frankie doesn’t have a hard time relaxing for you, and you’ll have to apply your heaviest pressure level to get those knots out. Frankie baby is stressed af.

Javier Peña

Javier has gone to the masseuse once or twice, in a quest to try anything to get his goddamn shoulders to stop aching. He definitely doesn’t frequent it by any means, but he enjoys it. even a massage can’t relieve the impossible tension Javier’s shoulders hold. it seems, somedays, like he carries the weight of his job on his shoulders, as if he’s being physically weighed down by the things he’s seen and done. the first time you ask if you can give him a massage, he’s wary. he knows it’s your job, and he really loves and trusts you, but in all honesty he’s scared he’s going to get turned on when you start massaging him. once you start, reassuring him with a soft kiss, he’ll absolutely melt into his couch or bed or wherever you’re doing it. the softness of his partner’s hands working all the stress from his body makes him a puddle under your palms. of course, if you want to move your massaging elsewhere on his body, Javi is always down. you have to remind him, if he visits you at your practice, that no, Javi, you cannot ride him on your massage table. he’ll try anyway.

Agent Whiskey

oh, this cowboy has such bad body aches. his legs and thighs absolutely kill him from all of the running he has to do with his job. his shoulders are worn and broken down from years of whipping that lasso around. there’s not a part of his body that doesn’t hurt from being an agent for Statesman for all of these years. at first, he makes lots of jokes about you being a masseuse. he teases that your hands could cure anything wrong with his body, and that’s before you even give him a massage. one day, when he comes home from work exhausted, you start kneading at his shoulders and he makes the most obscene noise you’ve ever heard him make outside of the bedroom. it feels so good that before he knows it, he’s letting you strip him down and massage his whole body. he cries from the pain when you work his shoulder blades, but he has the best range of motion he’s had since he was a kid when you’re done with him. he absolutely adores your massages!

Marcus Moreno

good lord, Marcus has a terrible back. he gets thrown around for a living, especially as a superhero. he’s literally shown you the footage of him getting thrown into the side of his car. he has awful lower back problems, and he actually meets you when he schedules a massage with you. You’ll be the first to admit it’s unprofessional, but he keeps coming back and you’ve really developed a crush on him. he feels the same about you. he tells you that you should join the Heroics because those hands are a super power. you laugh at his cheesy note and at the end of one of your later appointments, he gives you his number. you text it that night and that’s how your relationship begins!

Din Djarin

life as a bounty hunter is not exactly easy on the body. nor is wearing pounds upon pounds of beskar upon your body, day after day. because of that, Din is obviously really muscular, but he has a lot of aches and pains. he normally relies on a hot shower in the Crest’s refresher, but it never quite takes care of everything. when he discovers you’re skilled at massages, Din reluctantly removes all of the beskar except the helmet and lets you work his body. he makes soft noises of relief when you work out the knots littering the man’s strong and tense muscles. he appreciates it, and when the helmet comes off, he’ll sneak kisses while you rearrange his muscles, reminding you that you’re amazing and that he doesn’t know how he survived without you. 

Maxwell Lord

he’s had lots of massages. he cares a lot about his body and wants it to be in as good of shape as he can make it, so he has them somewhat often. when he meets you, he’s already scheming about your skillful hands working out his tense body. he falls in love with you, and the first time you give him a massage, he swears he’s never paying for one again. there’s something so intimate about receiving a massage from the one he loves, and he swears it’s the best thing he’s ever felt. he recommends you to all of his coworkers, bosses, friends, and marks up the price for them, because he thinks you deserve more than what you charge. for such a skill, he insists, they must pay more than they normally would. and he negotiates it for you.

Marcus Pike

ugh, soft baby boy is stressed. he has a tough life, working long hours and odd times at the FBI. when he meets you, he thinks being a masseuse is the coolest fucking occupation. he really admires it and asks you a lot about your job. once you’ve started dating for a while, you’ll ask if you can try a new technique on him. he’s always a willing guinea pig for you, letting you test out the new ways on him before you’d do it to a client. Marcus falls asleep the first time you give him a massage, completely entranced. he’s the type of guy who wants light pressure. he doesn’t have the muscle aches or injuries the others have; he’s more interested in the massage for the contact. he absolutely adores you and will, in turn, give you massages, because he says you deserve it. he’s pretty damn good at it too! when he doesn’t fall asleep, he’s noting your techniques so he can give you equally good massages.

[andoqin]

Sisyphus: The Myth Ep 1- A Dissection

Okay, so I’ve had some time to process what I subjected myself to today, so I’ve decided to list everything in episode 1 that is just completely insane and an example of how Not To Do it. 

I’m not an expert on Film Theory, but i’ve watched a shitton of media, plus I watch a lot of Youtube Video essays, so clearly I’m half

The episode starts off okay enough even if we get a weird exposition dump and “tense” parting scene between a father and daughter. 

We start in what presumably is the time travel terminal where people stand around in pyjamas waiting to get through.

Okay, fairly interesting if unspectacular but I’m guessing that’s the point, this is now an industry. We zoom in and get this line that made me laugh, because well...

a) humans are living creatures and b) the amount of microbial organisms on human skin is estimated to be at hundreds of billions, or more. And this kind of time travel/teleportation is always hinky because well if you think about it, how does that even work without getting into The Fly territory. I’m willing to cut this drama some slack here and maybe it’s an awkward translation besides. 

This gets... exceedingly long, but if you want a (too) in-depth summary of what happens in ep 1 and why it doesn’t work (for me) read on :D.

But then the real trouble starts, because PSH’s dad (I’m not bothering to learn the character names) says he’s not going with her and this is apparently very sudden. He then makes her repeat some lines that are supposed to create tension? Be exposition? Idk.

“Don’t trust anyone.” 

“Don’t get involved with [CSW]’s character.”

PSH get’s teary eyed, because her dad is not coming with her, but the problem with scenes like these is: I don’t know either of them and do not have an emotional connection to their parting. Sure, it tells us something about PSH (she likes her dad and is worried about him) but I also don’t know how important her dad is going to be down the line. So when PSH asks about her mom and what if her mom dies and her dad just replies everyone dies at some point I’m a bit weirded out, but not to the point where I necessarily want to know more. 

We then smashcut to PSH waking up in a world that’s more similar to ours and she does what her dad told her to do. She grabs her (very inconvenient) suitcase and runs along the tracks she woke up next to. We see that she is somewhat surprised by the running trains and also hardy enough to track on despite bleeding feet. 

Alas, creepy people in gas-masks with guns and drones are waiting for her, so she runs even harder and after some near misses (they are able to track her by some sort of radiation meter) makes it to safety. 

On top of a train car that the TWO DOZEN PEOPLE WITH GUNS AND DRONES are too stupid to check apparently. Clearly if she’s not under the train car, the detecting devices must be mistaken. So she just chills on top of the train car, sitting on her suitcase and those goons trundle off after 5 minutes presumably like they’re Assassin’s Creed Enemy NPCs.

Now we get introduced to CSW in the most insane scene i’ve ever witnessed. Honestly. 

He is just ~chilling in 1st class in an airplane, filming a douche who is rude to the plane staff and epically owning him because he’s So Smart.

First of all, I don’t know what that has to do with soggy noodles(which the other asshole complained about), since by that measure the noodles should be *undercooked* (lower boiling point means longer cooking time after all) and secondly good lord I already hate this guy. He then proceeds to Epically Own (tm) with a convenient Forbes (sorry “Eorbes”) Magazine that he is on the cover of and flirts with the plane hostess. 

So right off the bat, our impressions of CSW are supposed to be: He’s Cool (look at his hoodie and general bearing), he’s Smart (debatable), he’s nice to The Help (I guess???) stands up to bullies, and most importantly he’s fucking rich. I guess we’re also supposed to get the impression that he’s arrogant, maybe a bit of an asshole, but still cool and everything. 

If this had been where the scene had stopped I would have rolled my eyes and then just continued on watching. But no, the writers thought: “Schooling some sexist rich asshole isn’t enough to show off how Cool and Smart and Cocky our main character is. Also he likes the ladies.” Look at him, he’s Tony Stark only from South Korea!!!

So shortly after he sits down, and we have the first moment with CSW where he connected with me emotionally (he sees the ghost of his dead brother and the way he says “because ... you’re dead.” and I thought OOOH this I can work with), the cockpit windshield is hit by what looks to be a suitcase (DUN DUN DUUUN) and something crashes into one of the engines, causing it to explode and catch fire. 

The pilot is knocked out and unconscious and even the co-pilot loses consciousness (after conveniently unlocking the cockpit lock). CSW is the only one who goes to check on the pilots, having grabbed a fanny pack from his onboard luggage and quickly assessing the situation he revives the copilot and welds the hole in the windshield shut with some ducttape out of his fannypack and a plastic notepad. IT’S VERY EFFECTIVE! They did it in WW2, or so CSW tells us so you know it’s true.

I’m not sure that ‘s how plane windshields and duct tape and plastic notepad thingies work, but well the plane is still in freefall we have more important things to worry about :).

The electrics are all on the fritz, the copilot cannot get control of the plane and so CSW takes a seat in the captains chair (having foisted the captain out of it, not even he is so crass to sit on some unconscious dude’s lap i guess) and quickly calculates that they have 3 min and 30 secs for CSW to restart the electronics before the plane crashes. So he hands the co-pilot HIS PHONE with a timer on it for 3.5 minutes so the co-pilot can tell him when 30 seconds have passed. Instead of idk, contacting Air Traffic Control or ANYONE he just sits there and lets his big boy brain work. 

After 30 seconds he has an idea, because he’s Tony Stark-ing it up like crazy now and can just figure out the electronics of a plane cockpit in 30 seconds, but guess what. HIS PHONE RINGS. AND HE ANSWERS IT, because he’s devil-may-care and “haha look at this, friend, i’m in the cockpit of a crashing plane we have 2 minutes before i’m dead.”

Said friend is calling him from the board meeting of CSWs company, bc of course the board is ~unhappy with CSWs antics (I gotta say I can’t blame them) and the friend doesn’t believe it at first, when he says he’s in a crashing plane, but checks on the news to see it’s true. 

I ... I don’t think news work like that, we’ve gone 5 minutes from the initial troubles till now, there won’t be news reports all over the media yet. THEY’RE NOT EVEN TALKING TO AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL YET. Hell he even tells his friend to call 119 or the airport for help. I just... I’m very forgiving of a lot of things in a drama when it comes to writing. I’m willing to ignore obvious blindspots in a narrative, if I think the narrative is strong enough to support whatever it’s trying to say. At this point what could calling the police or the airport do, they have like 90 seconds left...

I don’t know what the writers are trying to tell me with this scene though? It’s so stupid, so unrealistic and CSW is so unpleasant and weird in it, because he tells his friend that he has to confess to taking out the friend’s college girlfriend on a date while they were still together. 

Well since the drama is longer than one ep, they do make it out alive, but the fact that the co-pilot managed to safely LAND the plane (which is insane to me) gets skipped over and we just get news snippets that herald CSW as a hero who singlehandedly saved the planes passengers. 

We then get to see him in his natural habitat “convalescing” in his giant apartment where he is being showered with gifts by worshippers basically. He continues to be an asshole, but his friend tells him, one more stunt and the board will kick him. 

The board will kick the guy who just saved a plane full of lives????? Yeah right, I’m sorry but that’s just fucking stupid from the writers. Why would anyone do that, even if the board hates him, kicking him now, when he’s literally a national hero would be the worst thing they could do for the stock prices. It’s only here so the writers can shoehorn in that CSW is close to OD-ing on pharmaceuticals and that the board wants to monitor his therapy and they have a way of “forcing” him to comply. 

Also he has what looks to be a dental x-ray machine next to his bed. Someone correct me if I’m wrong but lol what’s up with these set design choices. 

His friend tells him to go to fucking therapy or else and the next scene he is actually at a therapist. 

Who’s his ex-girlfriend (they have a whole tangent about that).

Who writes a report about his therapy to the board. 

But hey at least the therapy gets us a flashback of the last time he saw his brother. Big surprise he was an asshole to him as well, so no wonder he’s traumatised by that.

After therapy he *conveniently* runs into the co-pilot who’s incoherent and beaten up and hands CSW a usb-drive. It contains video of the cockpit on the day of the crash and it’s obvious what struck the plane was a suitcase and what crashed into the engine was a human being (DUN DUN DUUUUUUN maybe someone forgot to convert feet to meters when setting up the time travel thingamabob).

As he looks at the (very pixelated) figure of the person about to crash into the engine, he suddenly sees his brother’s face and honestly this scene just made me laugh? I know it’s supposed to be haunting and more evidence of CSW’s deep trauma, but I guess at this point my brain was just completely checked out. 

And that’s what we end our introductory phase of CSW. What the fuck was that plane thing even for. To show us he’s callous in the face of danger? He’s an asshole even when he’s about to die, so he’s got a long way to go? He’s haunted by the spectre of his dead brother and the guilt he feels for not being there when he died? I got a lot of that before we had the insane Plane Adventure!!! There are literally millions of ways they could have gotten this information to the viewers and not made an absurd spectacle of the plot that means that everything afterwards just feels lame, because you already had the insanity that was this plane ride, so it can only go down tension wise.

Now we’re back to PSH, but honestly her parts are kinda boring and bog-standard “UwU I’m unfamiliar with this way of life, I don’t even know how to eat a banana (that looks *nothing* like a banana btw), so I just eat it peel and root and all. Also I’m from the Future, that means I obviously know todays LOTTERY NUMBERS.”

I know kdramas like clichés and tropes, I like them too, that’s why I watch kdramas, but you gotta give me a bit more if you want me to at least invest in PSH, because I’m sure as hell not invested in CSW. 

She gets taken in by some guy, because we can’t have her homeless all the time, and she needs someone to explain this world to her and also how to eat bananas properly and she opens her suitcase. It’s got both future-tech-y looking stuff and a pink notepad that seems to hold specific information on what needs to happen on certain days. 

She also makes this expression and I don’t know if we’re supposed to laugh because she’s not threatening or if we’re supposed to laugh because she’s not threatening, but we know she’s gonna kick ass later, haha you just thought she was harmless. I gotta say it’s the former for me.

Rarrr fierce Elite Warrior PSH coming to get you.

She tries to get in touch with CSW, already breaking one of her dad’s three commandments. Oh, I guess staying with this guy breaks the other two. Welp, so much for that then. What even was the point of that first scene...

Anyway she tries to get in touch with CSW but ofc you cant just call the richest person ever (Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos would get very angry voicemails from me if that were the case), but she manages to get his voicemail. Or a voicemail he spoke for. But oh no, she is just Not Familiar with this world and keeps having a conversation with the voicemail as if it’s CSW himself. 

CSW who has scienced his way to finding the suitcase that crashed the plane and as she begs his voicemail not to open the suitcase, of course he opens it and gasp the combination for the suitcase lock is his birthday!!! Something his brother used to do!!! 

MAYBE THAT MAN WAS HIS BROTHER AFTER ALL!!!! OH NO!! 

But thank fuck the episode is over now.

VERDICT:

Just no. Don’t do this. The latter half of the show is more standard fare, but the first 25 minutes destroy any capability of this show making sense. I can see what the writers are trying to do, but it’s so hamfisted and badly written I’m just not willing to go along.

If you want a show that also has a fantasy action aspect (and this show is all fantasy no matter how much it tries to science it up), watch LUCA instead. That show at least knows how to set a tone, how to get us invested in the characters and does exposition in a way that doesn’t feel obtrusive. 

[thistangledbrain]

Deliberately lumping 17 & 18 together this time, because 17 isn’t that big of an entry.

Day 17 - “Accommodations”

So from a *personal* standpoint, I need few or no accommodations, as I’ve learned to make my own & have my own coping skills - when you spend most of your life not even knowing you’re autistic, you’re less likely to ask for something to help you with “your weird hangups”.

But younger auties often DO need accommodations- like being allowed to wear headphones/muffs in school, having a quieter testing environment, smaller classes, and so on. And obviously, the more you struggle with certain aspects (like loud noises or crowds), the more accommodations you’ll need.

I admit I don’t have much experience with the kids who truly need the total SPED environments. *Most* (definitely not all) kids I’ve known have all been capable to a degree of adapting to a NT environment. It’s *exhausting*, but possible *most of the time*. So since I’m a child of “suck it UP!”, I’m unfamiliar with this outside of simple accommodations I asked for, for my youngest, when he was in his earlier HS years - like headphones being allowed, and letting him keep his cell phone on him so he could quietly text with me if he was having a rough day & we could walk through it together. As he’s progressed through high school, he’s needed these accommodations less and less. I’ve noticed as my boys have edged through puberty, they leave more and more of their younger struggles behind them.

Your results may vary, of course.

———————————————

Day 18 - “Someday”

Hm. Boy, that’s ambiguous. Maybe I’ll take this one on from a couple different angles.

Someday I hope NTs understand autism better. Someday I hope each autistic person can be judged on their OWN PERSONAL strengths and weaknesses, like NTs are, instead of lumping us all together and deciding we can or can’t do something, based on the fact we’re autistic. For example, I know *plenty* of autistic musicians who play in bands ranging from death metal & punk rock, to smooth jazz. “But I thought autistic people couldn’t handle loud sounds!!”, you exclaim. Yeah, and some of us can. Also, not all loud sounds are created equal. Or sounds in general. A good example for me is, I occasionally jump and let out a little scream when the toast pops up 🙄, but I don’t flinch at the sound of gunfire - because I love to target shoot (I do not hunt), and it’s something I’m really good at, so I enjoy it thoroughly. (I’m not going to get started on America’s gun violence problem because it enrages me. I can rant about that allllll day & already deleted two paragraphs doing just that. This was just a convenient example.)

I’ve been thinking about this a LOT lately, actually. We have our own hurdles, without NTs adding to them, anyway. But I think about “what if I knew I was autistic, before I joined the Marines? Would I still have been as determined?” YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT...BUT I would have hit a brick wall, because they wouldn’t have let me (if I was honest about it, anyway - I’m telling you right now, if every applicant was 100% honest about their background, almost NO ONE would be accepted). So what happened? Well - I was a damned good Marine, that’s what happened - because I didn’t let *anybody* tell me I couldn’t do something. And as I mentioned before...for certain types of auties, the military is actually a pretty fucking brilliant, comfortable environment that we literally thrive in. Again - we are all different. So this “someday” one is BIG for me. Someday I hope we are judged individually on our merits, someday I hope we are looked at through the lens of what we CAN do, versus what *someone else* thinks we cannot do. I have YET to meet an Autie who doesn’t go “OH YEAH?!” when we’re told we “can’t” do something because of our autism. (We might not always succeed, granted, but we really hate being told we “can’t” do something, based on what YOU think we can and cannot do.)

Someday I hope autism is actually celebrated, instead of thinking it’s some sort of scourge. I hope to see that happen in my lifetime.

Someday I also hope that people (the doctors and psych folks and whatever) realize there’s actually a *considerable* difference between male and female autistics - which is why females are so often diagnosed late in life, because we “don’t fit the profile”. I also hope they realize that some females are more like males, and some males more like females, as far as the expression of our ASD. In other words - back to HOW ABOUT YOU EVALUATE US INDIVIDUALLY, FFS. I hear all this shit about how “autism is a spectrum”, and it just seems like lip service - if you KNOW it’s a spectrum, then why are you still trying to pigeonhole us into the DSM-5 definition or whatever, and operating inside generic parameters?? Auties are the most complex human beings you will ever meet in your life - and I stand FIRMLY by that - so your attempts to shoehorn us into your basic understanding of it is frustrating as FUCK. Infuriating, even. No wonder we fight you so bad when you try it. How would YOU like it if we decided that every middle class blonde woman is a “Karen”, and treated you as such? Or if we decided everyone with brown eyes are slow and we should treat all of you brown eyed people the same, like infants? You’d be like, “what the FUCK?” Yeah. It’s a lot like that.

Someday, I hope more therapists understand the autistic brain better, so they can be more helpful. Sometimes the same advice you’d give a NT patient struggling with an issue (let’s say, the death of a loved one or executive function) just won’t ...WORK...for an Autie. As it stands now, most therapists I’ve known go straight to ABA, and that gets frustrating when you just need to let it all out so you can re-center and actually have a discussion. Speaking of ABA, someday I hope teachers and doctors and therapists understand the resentment and feelings of being “wrong” or “bad” that result from ABA. SOME of it is necessary I think, but mostly, all it does is teach repression & lets us know loud and clear that the way we are is “wrong”. I desperately hope ABA is reevaluated - with the input from ACTUAL AUTISTICS. Using ABA for to overcome a problem like, say, potty training or something, is often seriously necessary. But potty training isn’t part of *who we are*, if that makes sense. Most ABA is basically like putting your Autie kid in a dog training bootcamp, with little to no thought about “what makes that kid tick”. It’s all about training you to act in a way that NTs find acceptable (and I have lots and lots of cuss words about that........) I don’t even train DOGS like some schools or therapists train auties. Dogs aren’t beings to dominate, control, and condition to act in ways I find pleasing (but I’m also not a “general trainer”...I’m on the behavior side of things). They’re sentient beings who deserve to have their personalities discovered, their traumas and their hangups, and THEN we work inside THAT dog’s parameters until we’re solid...*then* we start working on pushing them outside of comfort zones and such. AFTER that trust and understanding has been laid down as a solid foundation, for *that specific dog*, regardless of my experience with past dogs (though I do rely heavily on past experiences of course; knowledge of what did and didn’t work with some other dog similar to the one I have now - that sort of thing - but every dog is a whole new being to me...because, well, they actually *are*). Nothing is “cookie cutter”. Every dog is a brand new exploration. I understand that’s putting a lot of pressure on SPED teachers. I understand they’re baffled when I tell them ABA sucks as a because they see “positive results”. Sure - you see positive results in your ability to repress that child. Positive results in the fact that they’ve now learned to hide themselves from you and others. It seems the current ABA methods don’t necessarily teach any sort of useful skills for actually adapting to the flow of the NT world for that kid - just how to repress who they are, so they fit in. In other words - ABA is successful for the NT world - not us. It actually depresses the shit out of me to think about how teachers and counselors view the rocking and flapping kid they’ve now trained to sit quietly in class feels like their work is successful. You didn’t help that kid - you BROKE them, you broke their spirit, you broke who they are. That makes me so angry. Same when these so called “star trainers” can force or intimidate any dog to performative good behavior. Same as the difference between how native Americans train their horses versus how Anglo Saxons or others did/do. In the native culture, we call it “gentling”. In AS culture *it is LITERALLY called “breaking”*. I’m not kidding - look it up.)

As for my personal “someday”....

Someday I’ll write a book about my adventures & struggles in life and what it was like inside my brain through each one. It’s not that I think I’m anything special, but I’ve been asked to do this, and the reasons were pretty logical. And I do love to write, usually. Or maybe it’ll be a book about how my autism is a HUGE advantage in “my line of work” (the dog thing...being sort of more of a dog/human “guidance counselor” than a trainer - since I hear your voice and feelings, and I also hear your dog’s, I’m less of a trainer and more of a bridge between the two. An interpreter, but also almost like a marriage counselor too LOL). I think that’s my biggest “someday” and the only one worth mentioning, because it’s such a huge goal...most of my other personal “someday” stuff, I eventually kinda go “well fucking why not TODAY, bish?!” and I just...DO it.

But generally, someday I hope it’s understood that no two autistic people are alike - but we share enough commonality that it’s possible to understand we’re basically in a different category of people from “normal”. Someday I hope NTs in general drop their stereotypes and get to know us one on one. Someday I hope people realize and understand that even nonverbals are whole ass human beings, with thoughts and dreams and opinions and a whole complex personality that you missed, because you were too busy judging the fact they can’t speak like you do.

Someday I hope you realize we *enhance* the human experience, we don’t detract from it. Someday I hope you realize we are not BROKEN, we are just different. Someday I wish you’ll stop being so smug and stuck up in your “normally functioning brain”, and stop PITYING us. For fucking what??? Experiencing life in a much more complex and deep way?? Bruh. We pity YOU, too. Your world perception often seems dull and wasteful. Limited. OPEN UP - there’s a whole universe out there that you haven’t even explored. So, someday I hope we can enhance each other’s human experience, like my friends and I do. I’d love to see that on a larger scale.

Someday.

[mr-entj]

Mental Health Wellness Tips for Quarantine

Sharing a piece a clinical psychologist in my network published.

______________

After having thirty-one sessions this week with patients where the singular focus was COVID-19 and how to cope, I decided to consolidate my advice and make a list that I hope is helpful to all. I can't control a lot of what is going on right now, but I can contribute this.

Edit: I am surprised and heartened that this has been shared so widely! People have asked me to credential myself, so to that end, I am a doctoral level Psychologist in NYS with a Psy.D. in the specialities of School and Clinical Psychology.

1. Stick to a routine. Go to sleep and wake up at a reasonable time, write a schedule that is varied and includes time for work as well as self-care.

2. Dress for the social life you want, not the social life you have. Get showered and dressed in comfortable clothes, wash your face, brush your teeth. Take the time to do a bath or a facial. Put on some bright colors. It is amazing how our dress can impact our mood.

3. Get out at least once a day, for at least thirty minutes. If you are concerned of contact, try first thing in the morning, or later in the evening, and try less traveled streets and avenues. If you are high risk or living with those who are high risk, open the windows and blast the fan. It is amazing how much fresh air can do for spirits.

4. Find some time to move each day, again daily for at least thirty minutes. If you don’t feel comfortable going outside, there are many YouTube videos that offer free movement classes, and if all else fails, turn on the music and have a dance party!

5. Reach out to others, you guessed it, at least once daily for thirty minutes. Try to do FaceTime, Skype, phone calls, texting—connect with other people to seek and provide support. Don’t forget to do this for your children as well. Set up virtual playdates with friends daily via FaceTime, Facebook Messenger Kids, Zoom, etc—your kids miss their friends, too!

6. Stay hydrated and eat well. This one may seem obvious, but stress and eating often don’t mix well, and we find ourselves over-indulging, forgetting to eat, and avoiding food. Drink plenty of water, eat some good and nutritious foods, and challenge yourself to learn how to cook something new!

7. Develop a self-care toolkit. This can look different for everyone. A lot of successful self-care strategies involve a sensory component (seven senses: touch, taste, sight, hearing, smell, vestibular (movement) and proprioceptive (comforting pressure). An idea for each: a soft blanket or stuffed animal, a hot chocolate, photos of vacations, comforting music, lavender or eucalyptus oil, a small swing or rocking chair, a weighted blanket. A journal, an inspirational book, or a mandala coloring book is wonderful, bubbles to blow or blowing watercolor on paper through a straw are visually appealing as well as work on controlled breath. Mint gum, Listerine strips, ginger ale, frozen Starburst, ice packs, and cold are also good for anxiety regulation. For children, it is great to help them create a self-regulation comfort box (often a shoe-box or bin they can decorate) that they can use on the ready for first-aid when overwhelmed.

8. Spend extra time playing with children. Children will rarely communicate how they are feeling, but will often make a bid for attention and communication through play. Don’t be surprised to see therapeutic themes of illness, doctor visits, and isolation play through. Understand that play is cathartic and helpful for children—it is how they process their world and problem solve, and there’s a lot they are seeing and experiencing in the now.

9. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and a wide berth. A lot of cooped up time can bring out the worst in everyone. Each person will have moments when they will not be at their best. It is important to move with grace through blowups, to not show up to every argument you are invited to, and to not hold grudges and continue disagreements. Everyone is doing the best they can to make it through this.

10. Everyone find their own retreat space. Space is at a premium, particularly with city living. It is important that people think through their own separate space for work and for relaxation. For children, help them identify a place where they can go to retreat when stressed. You can make this place cozy by using blankets, pillows, cushions, scarves, beanbags, tents, and “forts”. It is good to know that even when we are on top of each other, we have our own special place to go to be alone.

11. Expect behavioral issues in children, and respond gently. We are all struggling with disruption in routine, none more than children, who rely on routines constructed by others to make them feel safe and to know what comes next. Expect increased anxiety, worries and fears, nightmares, difficulty separating or sleeping, testing limits, and meltdowns. Do not introduce major behavioral plans or consequences at this time—hold stable and focus on emotional connection.

12. Focus on safety and attachment. We are going to be living for a bit with the unprecedented demand of meeting all work deadlines, homeschooling children, running a sterile household, and making a whole lot of entertainment in confinement. We can get wrapped up in meeting expectations in all domains, but we must remember that these are scary and unpredictable times for children. Focus on strengthening the connection through time spent following their lead, through physical touch, through play, through therapeutic books, and via verbal reassurances that you will be there for them in this time.

13. Lower expectations and practice radical self-acceptance. This idea is connected with #12. We are doing too many things in this moment, under fear and stress. This does not make a formula for excellence. Instead, give yourself what psychologists call “radical self acceptance”: accepting everything about yourself, your current situation, and your life without question, blame, or pushback. You cannot fail at this—there is no roadmap, no precedent for this, and we are all truly doing the best we can in an impossible situation.

14. Limit social media and COVID conversation, especially around children. One can find tons of information on COVID-19 to consume, and it changes minute to minute. The information is often sensationalized, negatively skewed, and alarmist. Find a few trusted sources that you can check in with consistently, limit it to a few times a day, and set a time limit for yourself on how much you consume (again 30 minutes tops, 2-3 times daily). Keep news and alarming conversations out of earshot from children—they see and hear everything, and can become very frightened by what they hear.

15. Notice the good in the world, the helpers. There is a lot of scary, negative, and overwhelming information to take in regarding this pandemic. There are also a ton of stories of people sacrificing, donating, and supporting one another in miraculous ways. It is important to counter-balance the heavy information with the hopeful information.

16. Help others. Find ways, big and small, to give back to others. Support restaurants, offer to grocery shop, check in with elderly neighbors, write psychological wellness tips for others—helping others gives us a sense of agency when things seem out of control.

17. Find something you can control, and control the heck out of it. In moments of big uncertainty and overwhelm, control your little corner of the world. Organize your bookshelf, purge your closet, put together that furniture, group your toys. It helps to anchor and ground us when the bigger things are chaotic.

18. Find a long-term project to dive into. Now is the time to learn how to play the keyboard, put together a huge jigsaw puzzle, start a 15 hour game of Risk, paint a picture, read the Harry Potter series, binge watch an 8-season show, crochet a blanket, solve a Rubix cube, or develop a new town in Animal Crossing. Find something that will keep you busy, distracted, and engaged to take breaks from what is going on in the outside world.

19. Engage in repetitive movements and left-right movements. Research has shown that repetitive movement (knitting, coloring, painting, clay sculpting, jump roping etc) especially left-right movement (running, drumming, skating, hopping) can be effective at self-soothing and maintaining self-regulation in moments of distress.

20. Find an expressive art and go for it. Our emotional brain is very receptive to the creative arts, and it is a direct portal for release of feeling. Find something that is creative (sculpting, drawing, dancing, music, singing, playing) and give it your all. See how relieved you can feel. It is a very effective way of helping kids to emote and communicate as well!

21. Find lightness and humor in each day. There is a lot to be worried about, and with good reason. Counterbalance this heaviness with something funny each day: cat videos on YouTube, a stand-up show on Netflix, a funny movie—we all need a little comedic relief in our day, every day.

22. Reach out for help—your team is there for you. If you have a therapist or psychiatrist, they are available to you, even at a distance. Keep up your medications and your therapy sessions the best you can. If you are having difficulty coping, seek out help for the first time. There are mental health people on the ready to help you through this crisis. Your children’s teachers and related service providers will do anything within their power to help, especially for those parents tasked with the difficult task of being a whole treatment team to their child with special challenges. Seek support groups of fellow home-schoolers, parents, and neighbors to feel connected. There is help and support out there, any time of the day—although we are physically distant, we can always connect virtually.

23. “Chunk” your quarantine, take it moment by moment. We have no road map for this. We don’t know what this will look like in 1 day, 1 week, or 1 month from now. Often, when I work with patients who have anxiety around overwhelming issues, I suggest that they engage in a strategy called “chunking”—focusing on whatever bite-sized piece of a challenge that feels manageable. Whether that be 5 minutes, a day, or a week at a time—find what feels doable for you, and set a time stamp for how far ahead in the future you will let yourself worry. Take each chunk one at a time, and move through stress in pieces.

24. Remind yourself daily that this is temporary. It seems in the midst of this quarantine that it will never end. It is terrifying to think of the road stretching ahead of us. Please take time to remind yourself that although this is very scary and difficult, and will go on for an undetermined amount of time, it is a season of life and it will pass. We will return to feeing free, safe, busy, and connected in the days ahead.

25. Find the lesson. This whole crisis can seem sad, senseless, and at times, avoidable. When psychologists work with trauma, a key feature to helping someone work through said trauma is to help them find their agency, the potential positive outcomes they can effect, the meaning and construction that can come out of destruction. What can each of us learn here, in big and small ways, from this crisis? What needs to change in ourselves, our homes, our communities, our nation, and our world?

(x)

[masked-buffoon]

Chapter 11: Behind the scenes (Part 4)

Warnings: mentions of trauma, underage drinking, mind manipulation, mentions of suicide

Author notes: there was some delay with that part because... That writer completely forgot to schedule for today... Do blame me XD Anyway, I hope you enjoy it!

Kunikida grumbled a lot when we had to return to Kabukichō, for I had promised that he would not need to go back again. I had not predicted that our investigation would take longer than expected. Even so, we had no choice but to wait for the illusionist at the bar, as the woman had told us. Supposedly, his show would end at eleven; we would get to meet him very soon.

"My favourite bar!" A man suddenly exclaimed as the door opened.

He confidently stepped toward a stool, next to us, and the bartender simply started preparing what I guessed was his usual order. He seemed in his fifties, his hair was greyish, and looked tall. His eyes were very blue and very clear, too. I barely glanced at him, not wanting to appear suspicious.

"You have clients, tonight." He noted "That's rare."

"Well, they came for you, after all." She sighed, putting a cocktail in front of him "Your favourite, gin tonic."

"They came for me? Are you supporters?" He chuckled.

"So you are Nazo-san." I stated, simply taking a sip of my whisky "We aren't supporters, we're investigators. We're here to interrogate you."

"What crime did I commit?" He hummed.

"None for now. We'd only like to hear about your connection to Taikin-san."

He froze and, slowly, put his drink down. His joyful face darkened and he looked at me seriously.

"Let's talk about that in another place."

The bartender brought us in the back of the bar, where no one could hear us. She closed the door behind her as she left us alone to discuss. Kunikida pulled out his notebook, ready to write down the confessions of the mentalist.

"So, you have something to do with Sakunosuke's kidnapping?" He asked.

"The boy was taken…?" He sounded surprised "By who…?"

"We don't know yet. However, we need to understand everything that's going on in that family to eventually find a lead." I said.

"I see… Well, I'll tell you everything I know about them."

Nazo Eita cleared his throat before starting his explanations.

"It was… Years ago…" He remembered "Taikin-san had found a woman. She had lost her arms and they had been replaced by prosthetics. She was traumatised, her body disgusted her… The only way for her to keep living was making her believe that it had been entirely replaced, thus why I put her under hypnosis and told her that she had been turned into a robot…"

"She had been sold and raped numerous times, am I right…?" I frowned, crossing my arms "It's horrible… How did you manage, for the kids?"

"I used hypnosis again. Obviously, the kids are hers, but… She really suffered to carry them. I erased that experience too, as well as the second child. She… She hated twins. She thought they meant bad luck. Taikin-san paid me and I… Just did my job…" He sighed "Believe me, I know it's unethical, and I hated having to do it."

"Raise the hypnosis." I demanded "It's a whole bunch of nonsense, Yumiko-san should see a therapist."

"And suffer from PTSD…?! I can't do that! Or have Taikin-san pay me and ask me himself…!" He protested "Anyway, I don't know why the young Sakunosuke-kun was taken away, I just hope you'll find him."

"We'll talk about that again." I shrugged "Thanks for your time. It was quite useful."

"Glad I could help." Nazo-san mumbled before leaving.

Kunikida closed his notebook and shoved it in his inner pocket, upset.

"How was that even useful…?!" He groaned "We've already deduced all of that…!"

"Indeed, but we now know who did that to Yumiko-san and why. I believe it wasn't to manipulate his wife, Taikin-san truly cares about her, but that doesn't quite explain why he wouldn't take care of his second son…" I muttered, thinking.

"I'm not sure it's important… Right now, we have to find Sakunosuke-kun."

"You're right." I agreed.

Suddenly, the phone rang. My coworker picked it up.

"What is it, Dazai? … Wait what? … You didn't follow her? … Why? … In the bathroom?! Dazai, you —"

Kunikida angrily put his phone back in his pocket before turning toward me.

"Yumiko-san escaped! She went out of the mansion and that useless bandage wasting device was too occupied in the bathroom to see it…!" He told me, unable to calm down.

"Bandage wasting device…? Wow, even Chūya didn't have as much imagination for his nicknames…" I mumbled.

"What did you say...?"

"Nothing at all." I looked at him "It's alright. Dazai has human needs too, he couldn't predict that woman would go out by herself while he would be occupied."

He could not predict. Even I did not believe what I had said. There was no way this person had not purposely left her without surveillance, but that meant he was suspicious of her. By letting her go, he had uncovered an important lead that we had to follow.

"Did we put a tracking device in her phone?"

"I don't know, I wasn't on the case at the beginning…!"

"It was Yosano-sensei who talked to her…" I sighed "I know what to do. Let's go back to the mansion not to let Kitaro-kun alone. Meanwhile, I'd like you to request access to the cameras of Yokohama. We'll try retracing her route with that."

"I'm on it… Even so, we're damned if she took a car…"

"We'll have to manage, somehow… That is too strange, we never even suspected her…"

"Do you think it could have been done without her consent? Because of mentalism, for example?"

I thought about the video I had taken of Kunikida, the other day.

"You might be right… But since we were with Nazo-san just a moment ago, it cannot be him… I'd rather think about an assistant or a student of some kind… Can I have Dazai's number, please? I'll talk to him about it while you discuss with the police." I requested.

"Sure. But I thought you had it?"

"He changed his number and, ever since, I haven't had an opportunity to save his new one. Thanks."

We walked to the train that would take us back to the Taikin mansion in Yokohama. Things were getting out of hand and we still did not know why the businessman would trust us with his family. I dialed my friend's number.

"Dazai, it's Ogawa. Yes, Kunikida gave it to me… Mmh… I'd like you to start interrogating the servants. We deduced perhaps one of them was able to use mentalism too and triggered Yumiko-san to leave the mansion. Can you keep an eye on Kitaro-kun, too? Thanks…"

At the same moment, an announcement was made in the train station.

"Dear customers. Due to an unexpected accident, the trains are suspended for the moment. May you forgive us for the inconvenience —"

"What's going on…?" Kuninida mumbled.

We asked an employee for information and learnt that someone had committed suicide by throwing himself in front of a train. It was not too odd, but we requested to see the victim anyway. We were led to the scene, and our eyes widened.

The man who had committed suicide was Nazo Eita-san.

[miaxeu]

      though the mist might prevent some from seeing it, MIA STOEGER is actually a descendent of DIONYSUS. it’s still a question of whether or not the TWENTY-ONE year old MYTHOLOGICAL STUDIES MAJOR from LOS ANGELES, USA has taken after HER godly parent completely, but the demigod is still known to be quite CHARISMATIC & DUPLICITOUS. 

( y’all dont deserve this real messy intro but im workin w half a bwain cell at 4am so i beg thee 4 mercy. nywyy im the excited new girl who’s hella pumped to meet all ur charas : katya ! feel free to hop in my ims to plot or drop a like and i’ll hop in urs ! x  )

POWERS

natural acting abilities — her ma’s a hollywoo agent so she started actin real early & now shes a big shot actress. there r more deetz on her career below !

chlorokinesis — it wasnt as natural as acting n she only started working on it when she turned 13 n started going to camps. b4 she just noticed shes good w plants but it wasnt super crazy or nything. its p good now tho ! shes prioritizing vine binding and manipulation 4 the self defense bc awards r cool n all but they dont rlly protecc from monsters ykwim 

levitation — shes trying her best ur honor

alcokinesis  — she cant conjure it or anything, she’s just immune to it ffff

BIO POINTS — cw: drug use ( full biography here )

her mom raised her by herself bc dionysus the party god was out of the picture immediately. she never told mia she’s a demigod & it was always just “ wow ur so talented ” or “ aww u got a green thumb ! ” but when she saw him claim 13 y/o mia by placing a weird hologram over her head while she slept, she knew she had to spill da beanz & tell her kid

ofc mia thought her mom was jus playing sum weird acting exercise w her bc her powers r so lowkey she could highkey just be a Mortal but insert sad whistle, the realizashun & the claiming meant heightened monster threat !! so yea ,,, one ended up chasing her a couple days later rip 

aside from the trauma, mia was ok. mostly bc she ended up cryin for dionysus like any child would n lo & behold he came & helped !!! as he should. nywy she made sure to go to summer camps every year after that but mostly just for protection purposes

she lowkey rlly hates this whole god business esp now that shes grown lmfao deadass thinks she got a bad deal bc life threats arent sexy !!! went to eonia eventually bc its Too Much Man. she just wants to go back to work and her life w the mortals w/o worryin for her life. would deadass fade her father if she could. may or may not be majoring in greek mythology to figure out the logistics of it all out of spite, who knows !

PERSONALITY

not ! a Drama Queen  —  dont get me wrong, shes hella Extra in the way she moves n acts sorta like shes always bein captured on film. is quick-witted & playful & can be a huge tease/flirt if she feels like it, but miss her w Real Feelings ! totally not sentimental. srsly she will try to rationalize away everything and is just,.,., not good w it. so soz folks, we just keepin it breezy here

ugh, she’s an Actress — aka she can act like she cares tho ! shes very much into keeping ppl on her good side. shes friendly n palatable to everyone bc its how shes been trained & while it doesnt seem fake, its def diff when its genuine

The Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known —  lemme circle back to the first one, ok so shes good w emotions but only in theory. does intense character work with her roles so she thinks that counts as her having eq when rlly shes just emotionally stunted, projecting n repressing like an idiot

blonde, skinny, rich, & a lil bit of a Bitch — shes only a bitch inwardly or to ppl she trusts enuff to let in on the gossip. if anyone full on opposes her or becomes real emotional, then this lil diva will rear its superiority complex head n snap a lil. will most probably do it v underhandedly n w a smile but it will be Brutal

girls just wanna have FUN ! — shes the child of da party god, so ofc she a true party girl. officially off the rails when she parties. inhibitions ? we dk her. can be insensitive in that case bc smtms its truly no strings attached, tis all abt the fun. likes company a lot & it doesnt even have 2 be loud or particularly abt her, she just likes having people around n the escapism of it all. will make friends with everyone n make sure they have a jolly fun time guaranteed at dionysus parties 

Work Hard, Play Hard — real responsible when it comes to work and commitments and if she trusts/likes u enough, she’ll give it 2 u straight, no bs. def thinks Calling Out is an act of love but maybe does it a lil too harshly smtms. v much into efficiency, sentiments be damned. not the feely words type. will sit next to u or party w u or even pay 4 ur therapist if u need sum1 to talk to. she will Be There while u work thru it, so long as u dont expect her to change n be all emotional n stuff

if she seems a lil contradictory thats bc she kinda is. tis the good ol nurture vs nature. her ma’s a real no nonsense chick n her pops is a frat guy drama geek greek god whos rlly into cottagecore so u get this lil blonde bitch whos sorta teetering on the edges

OTHER INFO  — cw: drug use ( full headcanons here )

re her career, she achieved pegot status when she was 18 aka she truly b dat bitch. shes not super mainstream famous tho, more like indie sweetheart, film snobs/critics fave typa gal. if ya want a trajectory she started w baby commercials then a sitcom from 4-10 ( think modern fam’s lily ) then it was off to the big screen & the stage ! 

mia has a lil bit of a drug habit. its not abusive or dependent, but it is a staple whenever shes parties bc alcohol is useless 2 her. started a lil young too bc hollywoo. primarily uppers/hallucinogens. she smokes weed a lil more liberally but the rest is mostly just an on occasion thing ( which, ngl, is a still a lil problematic when u party a lot rip )

after she got claimed, mia ended up going to demigod camps in a lot of diff places n countries, depending on where production would take her. there was never an established place, more like wherever was nearest when they wrapped up shooting bc monsters afoot n wutnot  

she was always homeschooled but she still managed to go to a prom and homecoming bc party is life. that makes eonia uni p much her first chance at having a normal educational environment & experience and even then its anything but. still tho this is her moment !!! im lit rally begging her to get a personality that isnt her internally rolling her eyes going “ its not that deep ”

might put up a bio/stats page if im feelin sxc but i wud jus like the records to show that mia stoeger is a bi sxc babe bc me ? write a het ? no grassy ass.

POSSIBLE CONNECTIONS — cw: drug use ( full connections here )

omg danny devito i love ur work ! 

,,, p self explanatory sdkjfs sum1 who loves her work ! it can be lowkey/highkey fangirl to a civil admiration

OR alternatively, y/m can Not Be a fan of her work. they might think the storyline of the projects she takes on r too out of touch n highbrow yada yada yada, but yes, we love to see either of it ! 

summer camp sweetheart !  

someone she met when at camp when they were teens ? doesnt matter in what country/city, but mia was only visiting so it was truly a one summer romance typa thing. bc she was younger, im thinkin 13-17 or w/e she was probably sweeter n a lot more emotional then. was it either’s first puppy love ? first kiss ? first “ relationship ? ” idk, do yk ? truly, so many possibilities. nothin set in stone just hmu bub 

summer camp pals ! 

p much the same as above but make it Platonic

party buddies !

or druggie pals. either way works but she wud luv it if theyre both xoxo

friends w benefits !

most probably ( but not limited to ) sum1 she met at a party skdjhsjk is it exclusive ? is any1 starting to develop feelings ? im down 4 nthing n evrything

alexa play true friend by hannah montana !

give mia her college bestie ! her confidant who knows her feels and can call each other out viciously with no ounce of resentment. we stan the friendships !

omg i love ur skirt !

that is the ugliest effing skirt i've ever seen. lmao basically sum1 mia pretends to like or acts civil w but rlly ,,,, Cannot Stand for w/e rzn   

im p much braindead rn but those are just sum ideas !!! ofc the usual staples like the pals, enemies, wutnots are also v welcome we love to see it. if u also have a wc that u think mia would fit in, id luv to know more ! there are also a couple more detailed ones here, but pls feel free to shoot me a msg n we can get 2 plotting x 

( * wipes brow * how did i type so much n say so little rip. mia is also a completely new muse so pls b patient n if i fuq up from time to time, pretend u do not see >.< nywy thnx 4 readin, sweets ! feel free to hmu here or at discord if ya wanna <3333 )

FULL INFO  ||  EONIA TASKS 

[islamicrays]

I found this useful.............💗Advice from a psychologist:

After having thirty-one sessions this week with patients where the singular focus was COVID-19 and how to cope, I decided to consolidate my advice and make a list that I hope is helpful to all. I can't control a lot of what is going on right now, but I can contribute this.

Edit: I am surprised and heartened that this has been shared so widely! People have asked me to credential myself, so to that end, I am a doctoral level Psychologist in NYS with a Psy.D. in the specialities of School and Clinical Psychology.

MENTAL HEALTH WELLNESS TIPS FOR QUARANTINE

1. Stick to a routine. Go to sleep and wake up at a reasonable time, write a schedule that is varied and includes time for work as well as self-care.

2. Dress for the social life you want, not the social life you have. Get showered and dressed in comfortable clothes, wash your face, brush your teeth. Take the time to do a bath or a facial. Put on some bright colors. It is amazing how our dress can impact our mood.

3. Get out at least once a day, for at least thirty minutes. If you are concerned of contact, try first thing in the morning, or later in the evening, and try less traveled streets and avenues. If you are high risk or living with those who are high risk, open the windows and blast the fan. It is amazing how much fresh air can do for spirits.

4. Find some time to move each day, again daily for at least thirty minutes. If you don’t feel comfortable going outside, there are many YouTube videos that offer free movement classes, and if all else fails, turn on the music and have a dance party!

5. Reach out to others, you guessed it, at least once daily for thirty minutes. Try to do FaceTime, Skype, phone calls, texting—connect with other people to seek and provide support. Don’t forget to do this for your children as well. Set up virtual playdates with friends daily via FaceTime, Facebook Messenger Kids, Zoom, etc—your kids miss their friends, too!

6. Stay hydrated and eat well. This one may seem obvious, but stress and eating often don’t mix well, and we find ourselves over-indulging, forgetting to eat, and avoiding food. Drink plenty of water, eat some good and nutritious foods, and challenge yourself to learn how to cook something new!

7. Develop a self-care toolkit. This can look different for everyone. A lot of successful self-care strategies involve a sensory component (seven senses: touch, taste, sight, hearing, smell, vestibular (movement) and proprioceptive (comforting pressure). An idea for each: a soft blanket or stuffed animal, a hot chocolate, photos of vacations, comforting music, lavender or eucalyptus oil, a small swing or rocking chair, a weighted blanket. A journal, an inspirational book, or a mandala coloring book is wonderful, bubbles to blow or blowing watercolor on paper through a straw are visually appealing as well as work on controlled breath. Mint gum, Listerine strips, ginger ale, frozen Starburst, ice packs, and cold are also good for anxiety regulation. For children, it is great to help them create a self-regulation comfort box (often a shoe-box or bin they can decorate) that they can use on the ready for first-aid when overwhelmed.

8. Spend extra time playing with children. Children will rarely communicate how they are feeling, but will often make a bid for attention and communication through play. Don’t be surprised to see therapeutic themes of illness, doctor visits, and isolation play through. Understand that play is cathartic and helpful for children—it is how they process their world and problem solve, and there’s a lot they are seeing and experiencing in the now.

9. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and a wide berth. A lot of cooped up time can bring out the worst in everyone. Each person will have moments when they will not be at their best. It is important to move with grace through blowups, to not show up to every argument you are invited to, and to not hold grudges and continue disagreements. Everyone is doing the best they can to make it through this.

10. Everyone find their own retreat space. Space is at a premium, particularly with city living. It is important that people think through their own separate space for work and for relaxation. For children, help them identify a place where they can go to retreat when stressed. You can make this place cozy by using blankets, pillows, cushions, scarves, beanbags, tents, and “forts”. It is good to know that even when we are on top of each other, we have our own special place to go to be alone.

11. Expect behavioral issues in children, and respond gently. We are all struggling with disruption in routine, none more than children, who rely on routines constructed by others to make them feel safe and to know what comes next. Expect increased anxiety, worries and fears, nightmares, difficulty separating or sleeping, testing limits, and meltdowns. Do not introduce major behavioral plans or consequences at this time—hold stable and focus on emotional connection.

12. Focus on safety and attachment. We are going to be living for a bit with the unprecedented demand of meeting all work deadlines, homeschooling children, running a sterile household, and making a whole lot of entertainment in confinement. We can get wrapped up in meeting expectations in all domains, but we must remember that these are scary and unpredictable times for children. Focus on strengthening the connection through time spent following their lead, through physical touch, through play, through therapeutic books, and via verbal reassurances that you will be there for them in this time.

13. Lower expectations and practice radical self-acceptance. This idea is connected with #12. We are doing too many things in this moment, under fear and stress. This does not make a formula for excellence. Instead, give yourself what psychologists call “radical self acceptance”: accepting everything about yourself, your current situation, and your life without question, blame, or pushback. You cannot fail at this—there is no roadmap, no precedent for this, and we are all truly doing the best we can in an impossible situation.

14. Limit social media and COVID conversation, especially around children. One can find tons of information on COVID-19 to consume, and it changes minute to minute. The information is often sensationalized, negatively skewed, and alarmist. Find a few trusted sources that you can check in with consistently, limit it to a few times a day, and set a time limit for yourself on how much you consume (again 30 minutes tops, 2-3 times daily). Keep news and alarming conversations out of earshot from children—they see and hear everything, and can become very frightened by what they hear.

15. Notice the good in the world, the helpers. There is a lot of scary, negative, and overwhelming information to take in regarding this pandemic. There are also a ton of stories of people sacrificing, donating, and supporting one another in miraculous ways. It is important to counter-balance the heavy information with the hopeful information.

16. Help others. Find ways, big and small, to give back to others. Support restaurants, offer to grocery shop, check in with elderly neighbors, write psychological wellness tips for others—helping others gives us a sense of agency when things seem out of control.

17. Find something you can control, and control the heck out of it. In moments of big uncertainty and overwhelm, control your little corner of the world. Organize your bookshelf, purge your closet, put together that furniture, group your toys. It helps to anchor and ground us when the bigger things are chaotic.

18. Find a long-term project to dive into. Now is the time to learn how to play the keyboard, put together a huge jigsaw puzzle, start a 15 hour game of Risk, paint a picture, read the Harry Potter series, binge watch an 8-season show, crochet a blanket, solve a Rubix cube, or develop a new town in Animal Crossing. Find something that will keep you busy, distracted, and engaged to take breaks from what is going on in the outside world.

19. Engage in repetitive movements and left-right movements. Research has shown that repetitive movement (knitting, coloring, painting, clay sculpting, jump roping etc) especially left-right movement (running, drumming, skating, hopping) can be effective at self-soothing and maintaining self-regulation in moments of distress.

20. Find an expressive art and go for it. Our emotional brain is very receptive to the creative arts, and it is a direct portal for release of feeling. Find something that is creative (sculpting, drawing, dancing, music, singing, playing) and give it your all. See how relieved you can feel. It is a very effective way of helping kids to emote and communicate as well!

21. Find lightness and humor in each day. There is a lot to be worried about, and with good reason. Counterbalance this heaviness with something funny each day: cat videos on YouTube, a stand-up show on Netflix, a funny movie—we all need a little comedic relief in our day, every day.

22. Reach out for help—your team is there for you. If you have a therapist or psychiatrist, they are available to you, even at a distance. Keep up your medications and your therapy sessions the best you can. If you are having difficulty coping, seek out help for the first time. There are mental health people on the ready to help you through this crisis. Your children’s teachers and related service providers will do anything within their power to help, especially for those parents tasked with the difficult task of being a whole treatment team to their child with special challenges. Seek support groups of fellow home-schoolers, parents, and neighbors to feel connected. There is help and support out there, any time of the day—although we are physically distant, we can always connect virtually.

23. “Chunk” your quarantine, take it moment by moment. We have no road map for this. We don’t know what this will look like in 1 day, 1 week, or 1 month from now. Often, when I work with patients who have anxiety around overwhelming issues, I suggest that they engage in a strategy called “chunking”—focusing on whatever bite-sized piece of a challenge that feels manageable. Whether that be 5 minutes, a day, or a week at a time—find what feels doable for you, and set a time stamp for how far ahead in the future you will let yourself worry. Take each chunk one at a time, and move through stress in pieces.

24. Remind yourself daily that this is temporary. It seems in the midst of this quarantine that it will never end. It is terrifying to think of the road stretching ahead of us. Please take time to remind yourself that although this is very scary and difficult, and will go on for an undetermined amount of time, it is a season of life and it will pass. We will return to feeing free, safe, busy, and connected in the days ahead.

25. Find the lesson. This whole crisis can seem sad, senseless, and at times, avoidable. When psychologists work with trauma, a key feature to helping someone work through said trauma is to help them find their agency, the potential positive outcomes they can effect, the meaning and construction that can come out of destruction. What can each of us learn here, in big and small ways, from this crisis? What needs to change in ourselves, our homes, our communities, our nation, and our world?

Source: Unknown

[c-ptsdrecovery]

Mental Health Wellness Tips for Quarantine

From Facebook, written by Betsy Williams Briggs

[As an anxious person myself, please note: this is not a list of EVERYTHING YOU SHOULD BE DOING. Pick the things that will help you and let the others go! <3 ]

From a psychologist: After having thirty-one sessions this week with patients where the singular focus was COVID-19 and how to cope, I decided to consolidate my advice and make a list that I hope is helpful to all. I can't control a lot of what is going on right now, but I can contribute this.

Edit: I am surprised and heartened that this has been shared so widely! People have asked me to credential myself, so to that end, I am a doctoral level Psychologist in NYS with a Psy.D. in the specialities of School and Clinical Psychology.

MENTAL HEALTH WELLNESS TIPS FOR QUARANTINE

1. Stick to a routine. Go to sleep and wake up at a reasonable time, write a schedule that is varied and includes time for work as well as self-care.

2. Dress for the social life you want, not the social life you have. Get showered and dressed in comfortable clothes, wash your face, brush your teeth. Take the time to do a bath or a facial. Put on some bright colors. It is amazing how our dress can impact our mood.

3. Get out at least once a day, for at least thirty minutes. If you are concerned of contact, try first thing in the morning, or later in the evening, and try less traveled streets and avenues. If you are high risk or living with those who are high risk, open the windows and blast the fan. It is amazing how much fresh air can do for spirits.

4. Find some time to move each day, again daily for at least thirty minutes. If you don’t feel comfortable going outside, there are many YouTube videos that offer free movement classes, and if all else fails, turn on the music and have a dance party!

5. Reach out to others, you guessed it, at least once daily for thirty minutes. Try to do FaceTime, Skype, phone calls, texting—connect with other people to seek and provide support. Don’t forget to do this for your children as well. Set up virtual playdates with friends daily via FaceTime, Facebook Messenger Kids, Zoom, etc—your kids miss their friends, too!

6. Stay hydrated and eat well. This one may seem obvious, but stress and eating often don’t mix well, and we find ourselves over-indulging, forgetting to eat, and avoiding food. Drink plenty of water, eat some good and nutritious foods, and challenge yourself to learn how to cook something new!

7. Develop a self-care toolkit. This can look different for everyone. A lot of successful self-care strategies involve a sensory component (seven senses: touch, taste, sight, hearing, smell, vestibular (movement) and proprioceptive (comforting pressure). An idea for each: a soft blanket or stuffed animal, a hot chocolate, photos of vacations, comforting music, lavender or eucalyptus oil, a small swing or rocking chair, a weighted blanket. A journal, an inspirational book, or a mandala coloring book is wonderful, bubbles to blow or blowing watercolor on paper through a straw are visually appealing as well as work on controlled breath. Mint gum, Listerine strips, ginger ale, frozen Starburst, ice packs, and cold are also good for anxiety regulation. For children, it is great to help them create a self-regulation comfort box (often a shoe-box or bin they can decorate) that they can use on the ready for first-aid when overwhelmed.

8. Spend extra time playing with children. Children will rarely communicate how they are feeling, but will often make a bid for attention and communication through play. Don’t be surprised to see therapeutic themes of illness, doctor visits, and isolation play through. Understand that play is cathartic and helpful for children—it is how they process their world and problem solve, and there’s a lot they are seeing and experiencing in the now.

9. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and a wide berth. A lot of cooped up time can bring out the worst in everyone. Each person will have moments when they will not be at their best. It is important to move with grace through blowups, to not show up to every argument you are invited to, and to not hold grudges and continue disagreements. Everyone is doing the best they can to make it through this.

10. Everyone find their own retreat space. Space is at a premium, particularly with city living. It is important that people think through their own separate space for work and for relaxation. For children, help them identify a place where they can go to retreat when stressed. You can make this place cozy by using blankets, pillows, cushions, scarves, beanbags, tents, and “forts”. It is good to know that even when we are on top of each other, we have our own special place to go to be alone.

11. Expect behavioral issues in children, and respond gently. We are all struggling with disruption in routine, none more than children, who rely on routines constructed by others to make them feel safe and to know what comes next. Expect increased anxiety, worries and fears, nightmares, difficulty separating or sleeping, testing limits, and meltdowns. Do not introduce major behavioral plans or consequences at this time—hold stable and focus on emotional connection.

12. Focus on safety and attachment. We are going to be living for a bit with the unprecedented demand of meeting all work deadlines, homeschooling children, running a sterile household, and making a whole lot of entertainment in confinement. We can get wrapped up in meeting expectations in all domains, but we must remember that these are scary and unpredictable times for children. Focus on strengthening the connection through time spent following their lead, through physical touch, through play, through therapeutic books, and via verbal reassurances that you will be there for them in this time.

13. Lower expectations and practice radical self-acceptance. This idea is connected with #12. We are doing too many things in this moment, under fear and stress. This does not make a formula for excellence. Instead, give yourself what psychologists call “radical self acceptance”: accepting everything about yourself, your current situation, and your life without question, blame, or pushback. You cannot fail at this—there is no roadmap, no precedent for this, and we are all truly doing the best we can in an impossible situation.

14. Limit social media and COVID conversation, especially around children. One can find tons of information on COVID-19 to consume, and it changes minute to minute. The information is often sensationalized, negatively skewed, and alarmist. Find a few trusted sources that you can check in with consistently, limit it to a few times a day, and set a time limit for yourself on how much you consume (again 30 minutes tops, 2-3 times daily). Keep news and alarming conversations out of earshot from children—they see and hear everything, and can become very frightened by what they hear.

15. Notice the good in the world, the helpers. There is a lot of scary, negative, and overwhelming information to take in regarding this pandemic. There are also a ton of stories of people sacrificing, donating, and supporting one another in miraculous ways. It is important to counter-balance the heavy information with the hopeful information.

16. Help others. Find ways, big and small, to give back to others. Support restaurants, offer to grocery shop, check in with elderly neighbors, write psychological wellness tips for others—helping others gives us a sense of agency when things seem out of control.

17. Find something you can control, and control the heck out of it. In moments of big uncertainty and overwhelm, control your little corner of the world. Organize your bookshelf, purge your closet, put together that furniture, group your toys. It helps to anchor and ground us when the bigger things are chaotic.

18. Find a long-term project to dive into. Now is the time to learn how to play the keyboard, put together a huge jigsaw puzzle, start a 15 hour game of Risk, paint a picture, read the Harry Potter series, binge watch an 8-season show, crochet a blanket, solve a Rubix cube, or develop a new town in Animal Crossing. Find something that will keep you busy, distracted, and engaged to take breaks from what is going on in the outside world.

19. Engage in repetitive movements and left-right movements. Research has shown that repetitive movement (knitting, coloring, painting, clay sculpting, jump roping etc) especially left-right movement (running, drumming, skating, hopping) can be effective at self-soothing and maintaining self-regulation in moments of distress.

20. Find an expressive art and go for it. Our emotional brain is very receptive to the creative arts, and it is a direct portal for release of feeling. Find something that is creative (sculpting, drawing, dancing, music, singing, playing) and give it your all. See how relieved you can feel. It is a very effective way of helping kids to emote and communicate as well!

21. Find lightness and humor in each day. There is a lot to be worried about, and with good reason. Counterbalance this heaviness with something funny each day: cat videos on YouTube, a stand-up show on Netflix, a funny movie—we all need a little comedic relief in our day, every day.

22. Reach out for help—your team is there for you. If you have a therapist or psychiatrist, they are available to you, even at a distance. Keep up your medications and your therapy sessions the best you can. If you are having difficulty coping, seek out help for the first time. There are mental health people on the ready to help you through this crisis. Your children’s teachers and related service providers will do anything within their power to help, especially for those parents tasked with the difficult task of being a whole treatment team to their child with special challenges. Seek support groups of fellow home-schoolers, parents, and neighbors to feel connected. There is help and support out there, any time of the day—although we are physically distant, we can always connect virtually.

23. “Chunk” your quarantine, take it moment by moment. We have no road map for this. We don’t know what this will look like in 1 day, 1 week, or 1 month from now. Often, when I work with patients who have anxiety around overwhelming issues, I suggest that they engage in a strategy called “chunking”—focusing on whatever bite-sized piece of a challenge that feels manageable. Whether that be 5 minutes, a day, or a week at a time—find what feels doable for you, and set a time stamp for how far ahead in the future you will let yourself worry. Take each chunk one at a time, and move through stress in pieces.

24. Remind yourself daily that this is temporary. It seems in the midst of this quarantine that it will never end. It is terrifying to think of the road stretching ahead of us. Please take time to remind yourself that although this is very scary and difficult, and will go on for an undetermined amount of time, it is a season of life and it will pass. We will return to feeing free, safe, busy, and connected in the days ahead.

25. Find the lesson. This whole crisis can seem sad, senseless, and at times, avoidable. When psychologists work with trauma, a key feature to helping someone work through said trauma is to help them find their agency, the potential positive outcomes they can effect, the meaning and construction that can come out of destruction. What can each of us learn here, in big and small ways, from this crisis? What needs to change in ourselves, our homes, our communities, our nation, and our world?

[adhd-asd]

Hey. I just talked with my therapist about maybe having adhd, and he gave me a questionnaire for adult adhd, which he said i obviously meet the requirements for...but he thinks i dont have it having known me for a long time, and that my real issues are just perfectionism and irritability intolerance due to my intelligence. But couldn’t those things be caused by adhd rather than rule it out? he also recommended saffron..which just feels like humoring me. is there any scientific basis for that?

     I’m honestly a little baffled by this ask because I just cannot comprehend a therapist saying “you obviously meet the requirements for ADHD but I think it’s just your personality, try saffron”. I have no idea what he’s trying to do here and I feel like I’m missing something because of it.

     I was able to find one small-scale study that suggests saffron is effective in treating ADHD symptoms in a similar way to certain stimulant medications but like, ignoring the fact that it was a single study with a minimal sample size that itself says requires more research… if he’s suggesting that as a solution then it sounds like he’s acknowledging you do indeed show ADHD symptoms that medication might help with so… ???

-

     Honestly if it were me I probably would’ve just walked out. There’s obviously a lot of context I’m not privy to if he’s known you for a long time so maybe there are details I’m missing, but based on the way you’re describing it the whole thing sounds very strange to me. You might want to consider speaking with a different therapist, but otherwise I would ask yours to explain in more detail exactly why he thinks you don’t qualify despite exhibiting symptoms.

     If he says things like “you did too well in school”, “you can drive”, or other common but incorrect reasons to dismiss the possibility of someone having ADHD, then he’s revealed that his understanding of ADHD is outdated. I went through something similar with my first therapist, where he said he didn’t think I was autistic because I made eye contact with him. I’ve since received my diagnosis from a different therapist.

-

     So, with that out of the way, let’s look at ADHD and perfectionism. Here’s an article by PsychCentral on why ADHDers can often be perfectionists as a coping mechanism, here’s one from ADDitude on coping with perfectionism, and another from ADDitude on how perfectionism can be harmful, and here’s one from FastBraiin called “ADHD and Perfectionism: How to Defeat the Constant Need to Succeed“.

     Here’s an excerpt from a blog post called The ADHD Perfectionism Trap: “Dr. Tuckman believes perfectionism is often overcompensation. A way to deal with the inner fear many ADHD adults have of not doing things well enough … Perfectionists take it to the level of trying to prove their worth by being perfect,“ which rings painfully true for me personally.

     You can probably already see what I’m getting at here but the point is that ADHD and perfectionism can absolutely go hand in hand. I was able to find all of these by just Googling “ADHD perfectionism” and there are a ton more where that came from (including YouTube videos!) if you’d like to do some research of your own as well.

-

     Unfortunately I’m not sure what you mean by “irritability intolerance”, but if it’s referring to things like being impatient with people and being easily frustrated by mistakes, that’s addressed in some of the perfectionism articles above as well. ADHD can impede one’s ability to control their emotions resulting in reacting quickly and strongly to things both positive and negative, so when we get into a perfectionist mindset, we can often unwittingly hold those around us to the same impossible standards and get easily upset when they aren’t met. Our own irritability can also be an externalised response to Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), where one lashes out defensively at those who hurt or criticise them.

     On the other hand, if it means an intolerance to other people’s irritability, that could be the internalised RSD response, where one is completely shut down by any perceived criticism or rejection. If that’s nowhere close to what you were referring to then I apologise and hope that the information provided is helpful anyway or at least enough to address most of your concerns.

-

     Ultimately, trust your instincts and if something feels off then choosing to see a new therapist is a viable option, but otherwise I hope either he’s able to clarify his thoughts or you’re able to point out how he’s mistaken and the two of you get everything sorted. Best of luck whatever you choose and I hope this helps!

[twig-wig]

Even though I often don’t feel confident enough to use my own words to support the causes I believe in, I try to make sure I share the words of other people to my small audience. However, I feel I can’t stay silent on the issue that is currently brewing with J.K. Rowling at the centre. I’m not the most eloquent and this has turned out much longer than intended, and probably quite disjointed. But the transgender community is near and dear to my heart. I can no longer be content with standing by and allow other people to speak. I need to add my voice to the conversation.

I was born and grew up as a girl with a different name. My parents were both kind and accepting people, encouraging me to be who I wanted to be. Even if society tried to push me into a box they never did. As a child I saw myself as a tomboy; I enjoyed playing guitar, masculine clothing, and getting down and dirty at Scouts. I hit puberty young and that was when my inner turmoil started. I saw myself as ‘one of the boys’ and the changes happening to my body weren’t welcome ones. This started an ongoing battle with my self image that I am still fighting today but thankfully I feel I am finally winning. As I met more people in my teenage years I outgrew my ‘one of the boys’ mindset and tried to embrace my female-ness, but something still didn’t feel right. Eventually in the summer of 2017, aged 19, I came out as transgender. I had been using the name Finn online for a while at that point and chose that as my new name, started using male pronouns, and started binding and looking into medical transition. I spoke to two gender therapists over the following years and was officially diagnosed with gender dysphoria. I was also recommended for hormone treatment as that was what I had expressed an interest in and was going to be able to start that as soon as I was ready. Around the same time I was offered hormones I met my current boyfriend who helped me get more comfortable with myself and I paused to think about my identity. In the years I have been with him I have since come to realise that whilst I don’t identify as a transgender man, I do still experience gender dysphoria and believe that I would be happiest somewhere in the middle. There are aspects of my body that I am uncomfortable with in a way that only transgender people will understand. It’s not simply the uncomfortable facts of being human such as body hair and odour or the pain of menstruation. It feels tangibly wrong. This isn’t how my body is meant to be or to function and it makes me feel so awful that it transcends the issue of body positivity many people face.

Socially I am a detransitioned transgender man. If you were to ask people would call me a girl and refer to me with she/her pronouns, however, in an ideal world that is not how I would be perceived. I have a great deal of anxiety in social situations and I am not brave enough to request that the people I meet use neutral pronouns for me and avoid referring to me as male/female, nor am I brave enough to ask that of even my friends. I have made my peace with the words that people use for me as I hope that one day when my physical appearance aligns more with how I feel inside and the world has progressed to be more accepting of non-binary people I can garner the courage to claim that part of my identity.

The reason I feel the need to put this out there is that J.K. Rowling has taken it upon herself, a cisgender woman, to speak for the trans community and proclaim that the most vocal portion of the community is damaging. My years spent as a trangender male have made me stronger, more confident, and more aware of who I am and how I identify. They were not a mistake, they were a part of my growth as a person. My struggle with my gender identity has been long and hard. I’ve fallen on many sides of the debate through the years, even holding views at one point that were transphobic. Which is exactly why I feel qualified to tell J.K. Rowling and others like her that they are wrong.

Rowling thinks that the transgender movement is aiming to “erode the legal definition of sex and replace it with gender”. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I cannot speak for all transgender individuals, we are a varied group with a myriad of opinions, but the main push is for sex to not be the defining characteristic on legal documentation. Why do our drivers licenses or passports need to make people aware of the chromosomes we likely possess, or the genitals we were born with? They don’t. It is none of Rowling’s, or anyone else's, business that I was born female. It is an unfortunate reality for transgender people that, no matter how far they medically transition, their body may never be exactly how it would be for someone born male/female. Sex is biological, it is how you are born. You may be male, female, or be born with something that makes it harder to define your sex such as Klinefelter’s or Turner’s. That biological fact you are born with is not of importance to anyone but your doctor. The only thing that the law and anyone else should be interested in is your gender, how you identify, and this is what we wanted reflected on legal documentation. She also laments how easy it is to get a gender recognition certificate now, that you only need identify as a woman/man to get it changed and, *gasp*, you don’t even need to medically transition! But that is exactly how it should be. Medical transition is not a requirement. Some people may choose not to and some people may not be able to. It does not make them any less who they say they are. And again, who cares what’s on their documentation? What exactly is that going to change about your life? Absolutely nothing.

She also expresses a concern for a “huge explosion” in AFAB (assigned female at birth) people transitioning, and subsequently the increase in AFAB people detransitioning. As one of those people I can say with confidence that I do not think this is not due to any kind of brainwashing or misguided feelings. It is due to the fact that in the age of the internet information is more freely available to us. As I mentioned, my parents were incredibly accepting people. I grew up knowing two lovely trans women, however for some reason I was not aware that AFAB people could be transgender too and transition into men. This is something I have heard many trans men express, and my therapists both commented that it was a common reason for why people like me had not begun transitioning earlier in life. I can’t deny that the increased awareness and acceptance of transgender people will lead to some mistakenly identifying as transgender. Butch women and effeminate men exist and many are perfectly comfortable with their sex, however some may have issues with their self image or identity that can lead to them questioning their gender identity. But allowing people to explore their gender identity is a good thing. Medical decisions should not be taken lightly of course, and I believe there is a discussion to be had about making sure that we do not allow people to make those decisions without speaking to professionals, but that is a different debate that I do not wish to get into now. However, having said that, the choice to medically transition is the choice of the individual. No doctor can tell you what is best for you, they can only help guide you to the right decision. The correct response to the increase in people identifying as transgender is not to invalidate them and tell them they cannot ever be “real” men or women, or accuse the transgender community of poisoning the minds of the youth. We should instead seek to be better educating our children, increasing the quality and availability of resources for transgender people, and providing everyone with the tools they need to discover who they are and make the right choices for themselves.

Defining women by their biology is a harmful ideology to hold, not just for transgender women but also for cisgender women. Womanhood is not reliant on whether or not you have a uterus. She is right in that it is also not defined by a love of pink or shoes. How to define womanhood (and manhood) is a difficult and nuanced conversation, one that I do not feel yet able to have. But an easy way to tell is if you feel and know in your heart that you are a woman then you are and you can claim womanhood. She takes issue with referring to women as “menstruators” or “people with vulvas”. It was actually the phrase “people who menstruate” that offended her enough to start this whole debacle. Women is a useful phrase, and it does need to be used when talking about women’s rights in general. But the article in question was talking specifically about menstruation. When menstruation is the issue at hand I cannot understand at all how referring to that fact is a bad thing. Trans men and non-binary AFAB people who menstruate need to be included in the conversation; menstruation is not a topic that is solely for women.

Lastly, she tried to speak out for women who were abused that are being “wronged” by the inclusion of trans women in women’s spaces. I understand more than most how hard it can be to recover and trust those who may remind you of your abuser because I have been there. I understand the need for safe spaces away from anything that may trigger you. But transwomen are not all going to trigger those who were abused by men, unless of course you still view them as men. Maybe a trans woman has a deeper voice or more masculine facial features that remind you of your abuser and that triggers you. That is not a personal attack against her, it is an unfortunate result of your abuse, but a cisgender woman may also have a deeper voice or masculine facial features that trigger you. If that’s the case then of course you need to decide for yourself whether you need to remove yourself from the environment for your mental well being. However, if you enter a woman’s space that has a trans woman in it and you demand her removal on the basis that she was born biologically male you are nothing short of transphobic. Whilst, yes, allowing trans women into these spaces would theoretically allow for predators to pretend to be transgender to access vulnerable women it simply does not happen. I can’t point to any studies to prove this, but I feel common sense says that the likelihood of a predatory man pretending to be a woman to access women's only spaces is much less than a predatory woman accessing these spaces. The world is a scary place filled with horrible people and it is impossible to barricade against all possibilities of harm. Barring trans women from these spaces is not going to solve the problem that horrible people exist and protect you from them. It will only harm trans women.

Gender is hard. It can be complicated. Especially for those older who are having to change how they think. But all that we ask is that you respect transgender peoples identities and pronouns, that you use inclusive language, and that you don’t fight against our rights to simply exist in this world with the right name and gender on our papers. It’s really not that hard to just be a decent person.

[angry-slytherin]

Heaven Help Me(Ch 1)

[prompt credits to @imfullofideas thank you!

Prompt: AU. Izzie never got cancer and she and Alex are happily married. Well sort of. Alex is just going through the motions while trying to keep his wife happy. His life is turned upside down when he meets Jo Wilson and realizes she's what he's been missing all along ]

Some background: For story purposes, Jo is/was only 2 years behind Alex and Izzie in residency. Alex and Izzie are second-year attendings and Jo is a fellow. Alex and Izzie got married in their third/fourth(?) year of residency, like in the show. Also, Alex will not cheat on Izzie with Jo, because cheating is gross and adultery is worse. Jo will become a general surgeon(forever bitter she isn’t ortho in canon, but whatevs), as well as Alex being a gen. pediatric surgeon. Izzie is in oncology, but she will also perform surgery. Because despite her big heart, I cannot find anything I genuinely could see her doing as a surgeon; she’s a great doctor though. I just went with the crack canon that 16x16 brought us.

Without further ado, Chapter 1:

•••

It doesn’t take Jo Wilson very long after she moves to Seattle to conclude that the reason the small population of the city is so contrary, is due to the constant rain. Good weather means good moods, and lots of barometric pressure equals a lot of headaches. Which is what Jo has right now. A raging headache.

“Cross, how many times do I have to have these results sent back to the lab? You are a fifth year. Next year you’ll be an attending general surgeon. You will call the shots. If you can’t get simple lab results right, how is anybody supposed to trust you with their life? Get me a white-cell count and glucose levels for my mice, please.”

Cross nods his curly blonde head vigorously.

“Right, sorry Dr. Wilson.” Cross stares at Jo for a moment, before she shoos him.

“I swear the fifth year’s get duddier every year. You could steal another resident for your trial that has half a brain, I’m sure. And mice?” Jo turns around, to see Izzie Stevens leaning over a chart, smiling at her.

“You’re right, Dr. Stevens. But he knows my research so well. I have a pretty competent intern on it too, though. An oncology intern that I’m borrowing.” Jo leans on her elbow on the nurse’s desk.

“Ah right, you’re our new research fellow. I’m inspired by your work, Doctor...”

“Wilson, Josephine Wilson.”

“Doctor Wilson; its innovative. I was surprised to see Chief Bailey even put out a personal check to fund your fellowship.” Izzie smiles, and it makes Jo feel warm inside.

“Uh yeah, it was certainly a great opportunity. It wasn’t my original plan to come to Seattle, but plans change.” Jo gives a small smile, as Izzie hands her tablet to a nurse.

“Welcome to Seattle, then. The warnings are true, it rains a lot here.” And Izzie walks off.

“Thanks.” Jo calls over her shoulder.

“Doctor Wilson, your pager is going off.”

Jo looks at the nurse over the desk, “Right.” She feels her face flush. 911, OR 2.

***

A nurse slips latex gloves on Jo’s hands.

“You paged me?”

“Are you a general resident or something? If so, then yes, and get your damn hands in the patient, please.”

Jo looks up to see a face matching the voice; a male surgeon. She assumes he either hates female surgeons or residents with that tone.

“Fellow, a research fellow. I am also a board certified general surgeon, but I’ll gladly play resident for a minute.” She steps over to the table, “What do we have here?”

“Two-year-old boy; biliary atresia, I need an assist.”

“That would be why I’m here.”

Jo grabs the suction tube.

“It feels incredible to be in an OR. I’ve been here for a week and so far it’s been all paper work and setting up my lab, no operations yet for me. It’s like I have that intern-level high of being in here for the first time.”

“That’s great; but this kid needs your focus. I’ve been his doctor for a long time, and I’ve known you less than five minutes.”

“Doctor... well I don’t know you either, but look at his bile duct. He needs a Kasai.”

The male surgeon inspects the patient’s abdomen, and sighs defeatedly.

“Crap. You’re right.”

“It’s okay, we’ll do it right. You’ve gotten this kid this far, and I’m pretty confident in my skills. Let’s get ready.”

***

As Jo scrubs her hands after surgery, it occurs to her.

“I still don’t know your name.”

“Doctor Alex Karev, pediatric general surgeon. But you knew that. And yours?”

“Doctor Jo Wilson. General surgeon and research fellow. But you knew that.”

Alex smiles, and it makes her smile back. He has a ruggish look, almost hardened that attracts her.

“Your whole motivational thing helped. Thanks. I didn’t mean to be an ass in the there; still working on that. I’ve been an ass my whole life, and I revert when I’m stressed.”

“It’s okay, I kick and scream when I’m stressed too. Maybe we should both work on our coping mechanisms. Make a switch to ortho?” Jo can’t help her cheeky grin.

“Oh yeah, definitely. Let’s get right on that.” Alex’s eyes widen as he says it, and his grin soon matches her. Jo studies his face for another moment, before her pager goes off again.

“I have to go. It was nice meeting you Doctor Karev.”

“You too, Doctor Wilson.”

Jo leaves the scrub room, feeling lighter in her step as she walks toward her lab. Her elation even leads her to believe that Cross will have gotten the correct tests. She turns the corner.

“Doctor Wilson, these results look weird to me.”

Cross hands her the paper, and Jo feels her heart rate speed up as she reads it.

“Why the hell is her white count so low? Mouse number three I mean,” She trails over to the mouse, not looking up.

“Doctor Cross, did you or Doctor Rayn notice this mouse looking sickly? Maybe she’s got an existing illness?”

“It’s a mouse.” Cross says.

“Yes, I know that. What I’m saying is that if she doesn’t, this means that this treatment won’t work. This research is basically useless.” Jo gapes sadly at the mouse. Her stomach sinks and her chest hurts.

“Please, go run white counts again on all the mice. And test them all for anything weird. Consult a veterinarian if you have to, just find out if there’s something wrong with my mouse. Find Rayn to help you.”

“Got it. I hope she’s alright; it had been going so well.” Cross looks down, the air in the room feeling heavy.

“I know. So go get those work ups done.”

Once her resident is gone, Jo takes a seat at a lab table for a moment, before deciding that what she really needs is a lunch break.

***

“That looks absolutely disgusting.” Jo feels like she might throw up looking at her friend, Doctor Atticus Lincoln’s lunch.

“She’s right Link, that looks like it was burnt, thrown in a dumpster and harassed by a koala.” This comes from Amelia Shepherd, Atticus’ longtime girlfriend and recently— fiancée.

“Well, I’m going to it eat it. And neither of you,” He looks between the two women, “Can stop me.” And with that, he shoves a bite of meatloaf into his mouth.

“Oh god,” Jo squeezes her eyes shut, and shoves a bite of salad into her own mouth to wash away the second-hand disgusting that she feels.

Amelia goes unbothered, instead becoming interested in Jo.

“So, have you found any new friends. Better than this loser; a boyfriend, or perhaps a very lucky man in a bar? There’s one right here, no discount, but the owner probably knows more about us doctors and nurses than we do.”

“Maybe, no, and definitely not.”

“Oh well that’s boring. Who’s your friend?”

“Doctor Karev. We didn’t speak all that much, and I wouldn’t call him a friend yet, but he seems nice, and we clicked.”

“Oh he’s like a rugged hot right? Not my type, but good looking,” She then turns to Link, “The one with the crazy wife, right?”

Link looks up innocently from his meatloaf, “You think everyone is crazy. She’s normal to me.”

“Okay...he’s normal though? Safe to be around?”

Amelia laughs, “She’s not dangerous. She is crazy though, crazier than me; and that’s saying something. She’s charming to some, but I wouldn’t marry her, if you know what I mean.”

Link adds, “She’s nice though.”

“Sunshine-y like my fiancé here.”

Jo nods.

“So no crazies, right Link? They’re both normal people?”

Link glances at Amelia, “Amelia only hates her because she believes she should’ve been kicked out of the program for something she did as an intern. It’s not my story to tell, but it was kind of crazy. The whole thing.”

Jo smiles, “Okay, then I might just have a new friend.”

***

“Doctor Wilson! So this is your lab. It’s very organized. It also reeks like med school.”

“Not much worse than ORs get, Doctor Karev.” Jo smiles to herself.

“A hundred percent. Can I ask what you’re working on, oh wise research fellow?” Alex walks over to Jo and the mice, studying them.

“A cure for cancer. In the long run, that’s the goal. This is just phase testing, still on mice. Right now, me and my team are studying a whole bunch of boring crap to get to the fun stuff. It’s just me, two residents, a couple of biomed engineers and some mice.”

“That’s a big goal. And kind of an incredible one. How did you get the grant money?”

“The chief of surgery wrote a personal check. She was inspired by my work at Hopkins, in residency, and I gave up my minimally invasive fellowship at Mass Gen to come here.”

“Wow, someone’s got expensive taste. Family money?”

“What, no? Brain power. I was a foster kid, but I’m just ridiculously smart. You probably couldn’t comprehend half of what I do here.” Jo teases, grinning.

“Oh yeah, I’m just really stupid. But hey, I was a foster kid too. On and off.”

“Oh yeah, any good homes?”

“One. The rest were all crap.”

“Mine were all crap. Every single one. But life goes on. You have to get past it, or it’ll sink you.”

“Wow that’s deep. Real insightful.” Alex deadpans. Jo rolls her eyes.

“Shut up! It’s what my therapist taught me when I was in my early years of med school. That’s what happens when you’re messed up in the head.”

“Hey, at least you have your self-proclaimed ridiculous smarts, I just have messed up.” Alex cracks, as Jo tinkers with a tool.

“Ever been to therapy?” She asks hesitantly.

“No.”

“It’s horrible. I threw up every time, and I think it made me worse. But then it made me better.” She puts the tool down and faces Alex.

“Good, I’m glad.” Alex smirks sideways for a moment, and Jo can’t help but smile back. Then, after a beat, Jo works up courage.

“So I heard you have a wife. What’s she like? You can’t be that messed up if you have a wife.”

“Uh yeah. She’s a doctor, an oncologist. She pops in here often, she did a surgical residency. Doctor Izzie Stevens.”

“Oh. I’ve seen her around; talked to her this morning. She’s very nice, pretty too.” Jo compliments.

“Yeah, she’s great. What about you, anyone special? Husband, girlfriend, dog?”

Jo laughs, “Just me right now. New city, cross country move, you know?”

Alex nods, “Gotcha. Anyone you had to leave back home? Personally I ran from where I grew up, but some people have a hard time letting go.”

Jo bites her lip, “No, not from Maryland. I’ve ran before, but not from there.” Her voice is quieter and she seems to shrink into herself.

“Oh. Well that’s nice, I guess.”

“Yeah. No running anymore. Seattle is growing on me. I like that rain.”

Alex smiles.

[ikenbar]

Mr. Love: Ike’s Choice Pt 7

Warnings: Lucien fluff, deep thoughts w/ Sam, sassy Victors, plot twists, ends to chapters, and cliff hangers. and this one is a dozy :D

(Chapter One parts one, two, three, four, five, six, and seven here :))

((Please read the author’s note on part one if you’re new here :D))

AS A HEADS UP!! This is the last part to chapter one. I know I know, depressing. But Chapter two is currently in production and will be published as soon as it is finished! Stay tuned for that!! I have many big things planned but, for now, enjoy the last part to chapter one :D

Chapter one:

Part Seven:

Everyone was settled around the dinner table and prepared to start eating their food. Lucien and I were sitting across from each other in the middle of the table. Even though Bart had insisted we sat next to each other, I told him it would be a better way to hold a conversation. Though the fact was I wanted to be as far away from him as possible.

We sat in silence for a bit, eating our spaghetti, but it didn’t take long until Maria had sparked up a conversation. “So, Lucien,” Maria asked happily as she poured some cut-up spaghetti onto Lola’s highchair table, which Lola promptly flattened with her small hands, “You told us you were away from Loveland for study?” 

“That’s correct.” He responded politely as he prepared food onto his fork.

“What did you study?”

“I’m afraid it is still an ongoing study so I cannot converse about it yet.” Lucien’s voice was like butter as he spoke. He was such a gentleman. It made me uncomfortable.

“Oo!” Sam chimed in from next to me, “Does it have to do with superpowers?! If it does, can I be a test subject?!” I choked on my food.

“Sam!” Maria exclaimed.

“No, no, It’s alright.” Lucien laughed, “I’m afraid it isn’t, Sam. But I will keep you in mind if we ever get to it.” Sam beamed and looked up at me hopefully. I raised an eyebrow at him through my glass of water, drinking away the remaining spaghetti lodged in my throat.

“What kind of work do you normally do, Lucien?” Maria asked, hoping to return the attention to him. As Lucien spoke, the phone in my pocket buzzed. I stealthily took it out to find I had a message from an unknown number. Confused, I opened it.

 I have decided.

 Who could this-...? I hitched my breath and I felt the blood in my body pool to my feet. Could it be… 

What a rude way to start a conversation.

I replied, hoping to loosen myself up for the answer to come. The reply was almost instantaneous.

 …

Do you want the funding or not?

 ...Wait, did he just say yes?!

 Is that a yes? 

It’s not a no.

Holy balls that’s a yes!

Meet me in my office this Friday at 3 to discuss where we are to go from here. I’ll have Goldman call you tomorrow to discuss details.

 “Speaking of work,” Bart’s loud voice pulled me from my state of shock. I quickly looked up and regained my composure to the table, “Ike, you had something you wanted to tell me? About the meeting at LFG?”

“You went to LFG?!” Chris exclaimed, looking at me with huge eyes, “I have been trying to get a hold of them for years! Why were you there?” I was slow to answer, still being in shock, so Bart answered for me.

“She had an interview about funding with the big CEO himself!” Bart answered excitedly, cutting me off.

“Bart!” Maria scoffed, “You know how bad Ike with interviews!! How could you make her do that?!”

“Come on, Maria. Have some faith in me! I know what I’m doing!” Bart put his hand on my shoulder and beamed at me, “I knew she could handle it!” Maria opened her mouth to retaliate but I finally found my voice.

“I did it.” I said it softly, but it was enough to silence the room of all noises, “I did it. I… I got the funding.” There was a casual cheerful praise that came from everyone in the room. Bart took a different approach.

“I knEW IT!” Bart exclaimed happily, standing from the table and lifting me in a warm embrace, “I knEW I could trust you with that interview!” My phone clanked to the floor as he spun me around. Lola screamed playfully as she watched Bart carry me around the room.

“Bart, be careful!” Maria said through her laughs, “You’ll break her!” Bart dropped me on to the ground only to hug me again, this time tightly and with more intimacy.

“I’m so proud of you.” He said into my shoulder. My heart fluttered slightly.

“Thanks, Bart.” I said, patting him on the back, “But next time, give me at least a day’s notice. I’m pretty sure Victor only gave me this because he felt bad for me.” Bart gave a jolly laugh and pulled away from me.

“Victor?! Feel sorry!? I doubt it.” He rolled his eyes as we walked back to our seats. Ashton pulled one side of his earphones off from his head.

“Why was dad wrestling Ike?” He asked with a monotone voice.

“Ike just got a lot of money for her company!” Sam said, taking his turn to hug me as I sat back down.

“Oh.” Ashton deadpanned, returning his gaze to his phone as he replaced his headphones.

“Congrats, Evie!” Sam said, rubbing his face on mine, “You’re amazing!”

“Congratulations, Ikamara.” Lucien said from across the table. I looked up at him and we locked eyes. Though he didn’t know me well, I could tell his congrats was meaningful. I nodded to him.

“Thank you.” I said giving Sam a pat. Sam let go of me and handed me my phone, which he had courteously picked up as I was being attacked by Bart. I opened it back up to see I still hadn’t responded to Victor. I quickly typed back:

 Thank you for this opportunity, sir. We won’t let you down.

 I was in the kitchen washing the dishes as everyone was enjoying each other’s company in the dining room. Lucien offered to help but I insisted on working alone. I thought being alone would be the best way to celebrate a job well done. Actually, the best way would be to head to St. Richard’s pub and buy a round for everyone there, but time alone would have to do.

I wiped my hands and pulled out my phone. I opened Victor’s messages and read the last message he had sent for the umpteenth time tonight: Don’t be late. A small smirk crept onto my face.  I had done it. Me! Ikamara Bikira! Funded our show with an interview! I carefully closed the messages and returned to the dishes with a new purpose.

I dried the last plate and prepared to put it back in its place in the cupboard, though the stack of plates was already tall and getting to be hard to reach. I moved to roll on my tiptoes, but a hand came from behind me and took the plate. I quickly turned around and watched as Lucien placed the plate on top of the others without any trouble. “Th-thanks.” I muttered, slightly taken aback. Lucien smiled down at me.

“You’re welcome.” He looked meaningfully in my eyes. He had me locked between the counter and his arm as he looked over me. I felt myself shrink slightly in my shoes. Someone finally had his eyes set on me and I really didn’t want any of it. Lucien was nice and all but he was a scientist. He would just use me and my past as an experiment. Besides, I wasn’t ready to open up to anyone. And with mister. therapist here, I know all he’ll want to do is break me open like a pinata.

 Lucien reached up to touch my face. I quickly caught his hand. His eyes flashed with surprise. But then his normal soft face returned as he chuckled. I raised my eyebrow. He sighed and moved his hand from mine. He brushed my cheek and revealed that I had a few bubbles on my face. “You look like you were having fun with the soap.” His voice made it sound like I was a child who had been caught having fun in a bubble bath. I felt my face flush as I went to wipe any access he may have missed. Anger and embarrassment toiled in my chest.

“I’m not a child.” I muttered, pushing away from his hold. 

“I’m sorry.” He said in a soft tone, “Did I make you uncomfortable?”

“Yes… no… I don’t know.” I huffed as I leaned over the sink, “I’m just… What are you doing here? Go have fun with the others.” I felt Lucien come closer to me.

“You’re just what?” He asked seriously.

“What?”

“You started saying something but you cut yourself off. You can tell me. I won’t get angry.”

I paused, ready to push him back again, but something about his intense stare made it hard to refuse his questions, “... confused. I’m just… confused.”

“What is confusing to you?” Lucien’s face grew closer to mine again. I reflexively tensed my shoulders, “Maybe I can help clear-”

“That confuses me.” I poked Lucien’s nose, “You. Everything about you is confusing.” Lucien took my hand, pulling it from his face. His hand was warm. I felt the warmth melt away the cold from my fingertips and make its way down and throughout my hand. I quickly pulled away and took a few steps away from him. He shouldn’t waste his warmth on me. I leaned on the sink, my back facing it. 

“I don’t think I understand what you mean.”

“This whole evening I’ve been unapproachable and rude. I impolitely responded to your questions, I pried into your life, and I have pushed you away more than once. Not to mention, my family told you all about how messed up I am. Every other man who came into this house left before dinner even hit the table. So, answer me this, Lucien, why are you still here?” Lucien’s eyes lingered on me for a moment before he looked down in thought. 

“I am a scientist.” He carefully said after a long pause, “I see the world around me as something that I can constantly observe and build from. I make hypotheses and find the conclusions. I’ve been very successful in my findings.”

“...and?”

Lucien came closer to me. His eyes were locked on mine.

“And,” Lucien’s tone was so gentle, it sounded as if he was scared his words might break me, “I can’t quite understand you.”

“You’ve just met me.” I said defiantly.

“Right. And I would like to build off that. To get to know you better so I may treat you the way you deserve to be treated. That is,” Lucien moved in front of me. He took my hands before I realized what was happening, “if you would let me.” the sudden intimate motion made me flustered.

“I-I-...” I cleared my throat and evaded his eyes. They were altering my thoughts, “You want to get to know me better so you can find a conclusion to your ‘experiment?’”

“You can think of it that way if you’d like.” Lucien chuckled. My expression tensed slightly. I was right, I was just an experiment to him. Lucien seemed to catch on to my thoughts and sighed, “Don’t take it the wrong way. My intentions are to use the information to treat you the way you deserve. The way every man should...,” Lucien leaned slightly closer to me and lifted my chin so I faced him, “The way only I could.”

Lucien’s eyes had locked onto mine. I hesitated. My first impression of him was mistrust. Would giving him a chance really be a good choice? I searched his eyes for answers but all I could see was the unique violet shining inside of them. The kind of violet that a twilight sky could hold. The kind of violet I could get lost in...

“Geez. Can you guys finish this love fest someplace else.” A voice from the kitchen doorway made me jump. I looked around Lucien and saw Christopher standing with Sam in the doorway. Chris gave me a look of pure mockery. “We have ice cream we need to retrieve.” Being pulled from Lucien’s eyes brought me back to my senses.

“I’ll get it.” I retrieved my hands from Lucien and moved to the fridge. I pulled out the ice cream and turned around to find Lucien standing in front of me. He had his hand out and, inside it, was a business card.

“What’s this?” I asked suspiciously.

“My card.” Lucien’s tone was apologetic, “I’m afraid I have business I need to attend to before the night is over. Bart tells me you are the co-head of the Ike ‘n Bar Productions Company. If you ever need a consultant for an episode, or if you just need to talk, give me a call. Besides, you still haven’t answered my question.” I hesitated for a moment before taking the card. Before I could pull the card away, Lucien pulled my hand to his face, giving it a slight peck. “Until we meet again.” He smiled gently at me before finally letting me go. He walked towards the boys and wished them a good night as he left the room. I watched him in a trance as he left. Maybe…

I quickly shook my head and shoved the card in my pocket. I tossed the icecream to Chris who caught it swiftly. “I’m sorry, Ike.” He started awkwardly, “I didn’t-”

“Don’t be.” I said putting my hands in my pockets, “I was uncomfortable anyway. You got the bowls?” I tried hard to change the subject. Chris opened his mouth but didn’t say anything.

“I’ll get it!” Sam said cheerfully, running into the kitchen, “Chris, you can go ahead and get everyone’s icecream orders ready!” Christopher gave him a skeptical look. His face changed to realization and he nodded.

“Rightio!” He said, smiling his normal smile again. He turned on his heel and left. I rolled my eyes and directed my attention to Sam.

“What do you want, Sam?” I sighed, walking towards him. Sam opened his mouth with an intention to rebuke. I raised my eyebrow. He closed his mouth.

“What do you think about Lucien?” He said bravely. I rolled my eyes again and huffed.

“What is it with you people and getting hooking me up?!” I couldn’t hold back my temper any longer, “How often do I have to say that I’m ok with being alone.”

“Because you used the word ‘alone!’” Sam matched my tense energy, “Alone is a word that lonely people would use!” Sam puffed out his cheeks. My eyebrows knitted slightly. Before I could say a word, Sam continued, “I couldn’t care less if you started dating him. What I do care about is how you are shutting him out without giving him a chance! Ike, you have such a bad problem with trust!”

“I do not!”

“Oh yeah?! What was the first thing you thought when you saw him?” Sam folded his hands across his chest. I thought for a moment… Something about him hiding something came to mind. Sam sighed at my silence. When he spoke again, his tone was noticeably softer, “Ike, I get that there are things in your past that affected the way you can trust, but how long are you going to use it as an excuse? Lucien thinks a lot like you do. But he uses his knowledge to better improve people. While you had your head stuck in your phone at dinner, he talked about how he teaches college students and little kids science! He just wants to help people. It’s ok to not be ready for a relationship, but can you try to make friends? Would you… do it for me?” The look in Sam’s eyes was much older than his true age. Sam had this way of speaking that made me believe that he had an old man’s spirit locked inside of him. Which made it all the harder to refuse him.

 I sighed and rubbed Sam’s head. “You are wise beyond your years, kiddo.” The tone of my voice was proof of me caving into his words. He held onto my hand and smiled up at me.

“Is that a yes?!”

“It’s not a no.” I smiled. Sam jumped into my stomach and squeezed me tightly, “Now go bring the bowls to the hungry family before they eat you instead.” I said, pushing Sam off of me. Sam giggled and happily took a stack of bowls and a handful of spoons to the dining room.

I watched him leave with a soft smile. That smile soon left as I pulled out my phone and Lucien’s card. I sighed and typed the number into my messaging app and sent the following message: 

Lucien, this is Ike. I’m going to take you up on your offer to help my show. I am making a show on super abilities and I’d like to touch on how psychology fits into that. Are you interested? 

My thumb hovered over the send button for a second. Was I really about to do this? My instinct told me to not trust him. Do I trust my instinct, or do I trust…?

 I pressed the send button immediately. There was no debate. I trusted Sam way more than anything. Not even my instincts could change that.

 I quickly tucked my phone in my pocket as if avoiding the fact that I had done what I just did. I quickly walked to the dining room door but, before I could rejoin my family, my pocket buzzed. I froze and regret coursed through my veins. What if he had said no? I put myself out there and I could be turned down. Do I even want to read this text? I slowly pulled out my phone and, sure enough, one unread message from Lucien. I opened the message.

Yes. I would love to help any way I can. How does next Friday sound?

My spirits slightly rose but, as the thought of Victor’s meeting came to mind, they stopped. 

I have a meeting next Friday that will take most of my time during work. Can you do something in the morning?

I’m afraid not.

What about after the meeting?

The meeting would go beyond my working hours.

Perfect

We can discuss it over dinner. 

My heart jumped through my throat.

Is that alright with you? 

I swallowed hard. I couldn’t think or breathe properly. Thoughts of doubt circled my mind but there was only one thought that stopped all the others.

 Do it for Sam.

My shaky fingers made it hard to reply quickly but, eventually, I typed out:

Alright. Where should we meet?

 >>>

I said my final goodbyes as I shut the front door behind me. I heaved my final sigh of the night as I relaxed every muscle in my body. I hadn’t realized how tense I had been that whole day. I rubbed my neck as I pulled out my phone from my pocket. 10:15. St. Richards was still open. If I were to hurry-

As I was walking down the stairs, I stepped on the third step accidentally. The wood bent under me, quickly sending me into a fit of wild movements as I tried to rebalance myself. Finally, I fell forward and let go of the phone in my hand. I watched as it sailed over the lawn, skipped a couple of times on the cement, then slid under one of the cars parked by the sidewalk. I cursed as I scrambled off the ground and to the car. I got on my hands and knees as I peered underneath the backdoor. It was just at arm’s length. I tried reaching out to grab it but was stopped by the curb and the bodywork of the car. I cursed my love for curl-ups as I stood up. I searched my head wildly for a solution. Then an idea came to mind.

I looked around at the neighborhood carefully. Most of the lights in the houses around me were off and the road was empty. Perfect. I grabbed the end of the car, took a deep breath, and lifted it. The car matched my movements and moved seamlessly from the curb. I scooped up the phone and, being sure not to set off the car alarm, I carefully placed the car back down on the street. I normally was against using my Evol in public like that but, seeing as that was a new phone, I couldn’t resist. I backed up slowly from the car and looked around me one last time for any sign of life. Seeing no one, I started walking back to my bike, inspecting my phone for cracks as I did so. 

>>>

A man sat in his car a couple feet away from the girl. He has watched her lift a car singlehandedly and place it back down like it was nothing to her. He laughed to himself as the girl walked back to her motorcycle, oblivious of his existence. He picked up the radio on his belt and uttered three low and intense words into it.

“I found her.”

  End of Chapter One :D

(Next)

[zuol]

november 17, 2020:

it’s 11:51pm. today was a long day. i wanted to write something before going to bed. 

i had a breakdown today. it was hard. the weather was gloomy. i was cold. i was terrified. i felt stuck and i didn’t know what to do. i freaked out. it was one those moments where i felt so out of control. the first thing i thought of was contacting my school’s crisis line. i spoke to a counselor for over 30 minutes. i cannot say that i felt completely better, but that doesn’t really matter. so much happened in that hour. we set an appointment on thursday so i can see my therapist sooner than next tuesday.

i remember telling her that i felt paralyzed and stuck in those feelings of self-hatred and vulnerability. i wanted to cry. i felt so alone and i couldn’t bring myself to do anything. i immediately messaged my friends, summer and julie, telling them what had happened. 

i didn’t feel completely better telling them, but that doesn’t matter.

this brings me to think about how much i rely on others to be there for me. i’m so, so grateful that i was able to talk to these 3 people. i could not have done this last year. one of the issues i had was not being open about my struggles. perhaps the real issue is that i want to be able to process my emotions before telling others because i don’t want to overburden them with an experience i didn’t finish digesting. it’s a double edged sword. but it’s also like.. i trust myself not to overstep boundaries. i think the most important thing is consent. i will ask them if it’s okay for me to share what i’m going through, and if they can hold that space for me. 

i feel grateful to pauline who is so dear to me. we don’t talk as often but i think about her a lot and how she’s doing. 

i feel so grateful to my professor who offered me kindness in our email exchanges while i was having an episode. i feel so much more safe because i’m terrified of him (lol....). i’m terrified of everything! i’m working on that. 

today is my cousin’s birthday and i wished him a happy birthday. we made plans on saturday to finally go surfing. apparently the waves are going to be awful, but i’m excited because it’s going to be my first time out in the water. i feel grateful to him because he reminds me that there is goodness in people. i haven’t spoken to him in a very long time and i miss that connection. he turned 24 today, and i hope he had a wonderful birthday. 

surfing is something i’ve always been interested, especially since i live about an hour away from the beach. i’m really glad that i made that decision to buy a wetsuit because this is something *i* really want to do. i want to try new things and live my life for myself. i have to tell myself this over and over again because it’s what gets me so excited about life. there are so many places i have yet to visit, so many languages i want to learn, so much music i could find (and possibly make!), songs i want to learn on the guitar and piano, so many people i have yet to meet... it’s all so exciting. and i have to remind myself of that.

i spent this year reclaiming myself by trying new things and also going back to my roots. what did i love so much 5-10 years ago that i’ve forgotten about? what is something i’ve done that i didn’t do yesterday? what am i better at today than i was yesterday? what am i excited to make?

i’ve made so many wonderful connections along the way of reclaiming myself and i’ve found that i’ve deepened my relationships with people i’ve known my whole life. it’s still an ongoing thing, but i need to physically type this so that i remember my essence.

i’m happy to be in a place where i can be completely myself. 

it’s funny that i’m saying this now as i just wrote how i had a breakdown earlier. i think this goes to show how pain is necessary and inevitable, and i have to remember that i’m not immune to it. i can only find ways to better cope and deal with the pain.

when i’m criticized unjustly (from my viewpoint, at least), or when someone i’m sure will understand me doesn’t, i go running for a little longer than usual. by running longer, it’s like i can physically exhaust that portion of my discontent. it also makes me realize again how weak i am, how limited my abilities are. i become aware, physically, of these low points. and one of the results of running a little father than usual is that i become that much stronger. if i’m angry, i direct that anger toward myself. if i have a frustrating experience, i use that to improve myself. 

today i had made the mistake in internalizing that pain, coming to conclusions that i am insufferable and worthless. how did i get to a point where i validated all those false, negative thoughts? i think this is a constant battle and fight, and today i gave in. but what came out of it was sharing this vulnerable side of me to my closest friends, and that gave me the reassurance that i have people who love and care about me. that love and care sustains me. i want others to realize that too--love helps us thrive and makes us so much more excited about living.

--

i am reading murakami’s what i talk about when i talk about running for the second time and it’s so exciting to consume. i started reading his work at a ripe age of 12 (lmaoooo) and vicariously read his work (although not all!) throughout my teens. i realize that he has his own flaws, as stated here in this interview between him and mieko kawakami. i guess i feel a deep admiration for him because i loved his work so much growing up.

his memoir is straightforward and actually very insightful. i understand why he is an acclaimed author and commend him for his lifestyle. he lives in a way that’s so.... healthy and very *him*. he lives his life accordingly and has such a disciplined mind. i hope that by reading this again, i can adopt some of his own mantras and advice so that i can learn to sustain my own life.