#but i realized its okay to question and to change labels

[szsariii19]

I just wanted to wish happy bi visibility day to my fellow questioning people. You deserve to be seen on this day as much as others do and I want you to know you're not alone <3

[zombiigrll]

Can I request a Carl x male reader set after 7x1 where reader comforts Carl about what happened and maybe they plan to infiltrate the sanctuary together and when Negan insults Carl, reader comforts him again after he's left alexandria?

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TO THE MOON AND BACK. ⋆｡°✩ carl grimes x male!reader .ᐟ WORD COUNT .ᐟ ⭑ 3.7K ꩜ .ᐟ WARNINGS ⭑ angst + fluff, spoilers for the walking dead 7x1-7x7, swearing, kissing, gore, flashbacks, use of y/n! .ᐟ SUMMARY .ᐟ ⭑ after the lineup, you and carl were determined to get back at negan. so, you decided to make a trip to the sanctuary together. ꩜ .ᐟ A/N .ᐟ ⭑ thank you for the request anon! and im so sorry i know i definetly changed some things about this prompt </3 i was having a difficult time with how to write the exact prompt. i hope you still like it! (EDIT) oh my god. im SO SORRY. i didn't read that you specifically requested a male reader </3 i went through and tried to get all of the things i put fem pronouns and stuff on changed i'm sorry if some of it is still wrong!! this is so embarassing help me...

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you and carl both had the same determination of getting rid of negan after the lineup happened. negan had killed two of your friends, two people who had saved you a numerous amount of times.

and negan had also mutilated your face. not on purpose, but you just so happened to be a little too close to abraham when he was being murdered, resulting in your cheek getting torn open.

but, of course, nobody was fond of the idea of two teenagers going out to kill some guy who's murdered hundreds of people himself.

so you'd have to make a plan that no one else would know of.

you met up late at night in carls room while everyone else was deep in sleep.

"so, how're we going to do this?" you had brought a notebook and pencil to his house in case you needed to write the plan down.

"the saviors are going to come to our place weekly, right? that includes going to hilltop." he draws down some sort of map on the paper, labeling things as he explains. "if we plan this right, we could head to the hilltop around the same time the moving trucks are there. we can sneak into the back of one of the vehicles."

you nod as he explains, biting your bottom lip nervously. "and what if we don't get there at the right time?"

"we can ask the people at hilltop when the last time the saviors came was. if it was a week ago, we can wait around. if it was recently, we plan for the future."

you nod again, this time more confidently. "alright."

"are you okay with this?" carl notices your uncomfortable and nervous appearance, putting a comforting hand on your knee. "if you want, i can go by myself-"

"no. i'm going with." you cut him off swiftly. "i'm not letting you do this by yourself. i want to help you."

"...alright." he smiles softly at you. "we're gonna do this together, then. like we always have."

...

its safe to say you didn't get much sleep that night, even sleeping with carl. you kept tossing and turning thinking of all the possible things that could happen.

and by the time carl went to wake you up, you were already up.

"y/n.." he softly spoke, tapping your shoulder before realizing your eyes are already open. "you're already awake?"

"mm.." you nodded before turning your body to face him properly. "i'm nervous."

he brings up a hand to move a strand of hair behind your ear. "i know. i am too. it'll be okay."

you lean your face into his palm while you put your hand over his. "when are we leaving?"

"soon. i already have our bags packed, we just have to get changed." he smiles down comfortingly at you.

you give him a quick kiss on the cheek before standing up and stretching, walking over to your wardrobe to grab some clothes.

"you sure you still want to do this?" carl questions, standing up shortly after to get ready.

"i'm sure. and even if i wasnt, i'm not gonna let you do this by yourself."

he shoots you a quick smile before grabbing his clothes and changing.

the two of you finished getting changed, and now it was just a matter of getting out of alexandria unnoticed. a couple people were out on runs to get stuff for negan, so you guys had a good chance of getting out no trouble.

carl held your hand as he guided you to the front gates, helping you up and down the gate to make sure you didn't fall.

you guys successfully got past the gate unnoticed, dropping down with a slight 'hmph' sound as your feet hit the ground.

there was a car right outside of alexandria. did you or carl really know how to drive?

no.

but, that didn't stop you guys. you knew the basics, and it was the fastest possible way to hilltop in time.

carl looked at you, then back at the car, walking over to it swiftly. you followed quickly behind him and stepped into the passengers seat.

he started up the car and started driving.

"i think this is how we're going to die." you joked, putting your seatbelt on and holding onto the grab handle.

carl laughs with a nod. "we'll be fine."

...

that went wrong, fast.

well, you guys did end up being fine. but apparently all of these years of carl seeing walkers, it was a shock to see one while he was driving a car.

did he run into it on purpose to try and impress you? or was it genuinely an accident?

"holy shit, carl!" you yelled, gripping harder than before on the grab handle and pulling your seatbelt tighter in fear as he slams onto the breaks.

"fuck, sorry. sorry." he spoke breathily, setting the car into park. "...sorry."

you let go of the handle and unbuckled yourself, letting out a deep sigh. "it's... it's fine. do you know where we are right now at least?"

"mhm. hilltop should be right over there." he points in the direction of hilltop as he unbuckles as well, stepping out of the car.

you gather your things out of the car and begin walking with carl following behind you.

the two of you were walking for a bit, your legs getting more and more tired and your guys' moods plummeted after losing the car. but suddenly, you hear carl call out.

"hey, y/n."

"what?" you turn around and tilt your head at him, walking closer to him to see what he's found.

two sets of rollerskates.

"oh, are you kidding?!" you exclaimed with a bright smile, kneeling down next to him. "i haven't been on rollerskates since, like, my 6th birthday!"

he pulls out both of the pairs, handing you one. "i hope this makes up for my shitty driving?"

"absolutely."

...

the rest of the journey to hilltop was honestly... fun.

you and carl were hand-in-hand on rollerskates, skating like you were deers on ice.

"woah, slow down! you're pulling me!" carl laughed, accidentally sliding in front of you.

"oh, come on. just go faster then!" you chuckled, moving him back to your side.

as he turns to face forward again, he stops. "we're here. i think the saviors are here too." he whispers, pointing at one of the trucks by the entrance.

you silently nod as he moves you guys behind a tree. you quickly take off your skates and set them into the grass before putting your regular shoes on.

"are you ready?" carl asks lowly, interlocking your fingers together.

"mhm." you look up at him nervously, your anxiety showing through your interlocked hand shaking.

"hey.." he brings up his free hand up to your cheek. "we're gonna be okay. nothing is going to happen to you, not while i'm with you."

you smile up at him, quickly glancing at his lips before looking back into his eyes. carl lets out a quick chuckle before kissing you lightly.

as he breaks away from the kiss, he smiles at you again. "let's go."

...

an hour had passed.

an entire hour of sitting in the back of a moving truck, staying as silent as possible as you held a pistol in your hand. you took deep breaths with your eyes closed and head leaning back onto the walls of the truck.

and you were quickly taken out of your daze at the feeling of the car breaking and the sound of the car parking.

you gave carl a surprised and nervous look before looking back toward the entrance of the back, noticing a man opening it up and looking at the loot.

carl quickly pointed his gun up, firing at the men. you followed after by standing up alongside him and pointing your not-so-intimidating pistol up, helping shoot more of the saviors away.

carl pushes a bit past you and points his gun. "stay back! drop your weapons."

you step forward to his side, pointing your pistol towards the saviors out of carls view.

"we only want negan." he continued, his gaze fixated all around the yard. "he killed my friends. no one else needs to die."

right after carl announced that, a familiar whistling was heard, catching both of your guys' attention instantly.

"damn." negan laughs, staring at the two of you with a smirk plastered along his face. "romeo and.. romeo? isn't that adorable." his gaze fixates onto carl, and he points at the giant gun in his hands that was aimed right towards him. "did you pick that gun 'cause it looks cool? you totally did, right?"

negan sets lucille in front of him, leaning onto her as he looks at both of you with a squint. "y'know, i'm gonna be honest, you kids scare the shit outta me."

just as you were about to open your mouth to say something to him, a man runs into carl to pin him down, which also in result pushed you over.

"carl!" you yelled, attempting to get up. but before you could, you saw a couple saviors pointing their guns toward you.

"back off!" negan yells, holding his hand up toward the cluster of saviors and dwight. "dwight. is that any way to treat our new guests?"

that sentence mad your heart drop. when you noticed the guns being set down, you got up and quickly moved over to help carl.

"are you okay?" you asked carl, practically in a whisper as you helped him up. he nods and readjusts his hat, glaring back up at negan, which you joined in on.

this only made negan grin wider.

"well, come on, kids! let me show you around."

...

negan had given you and carl the tour. it wasn't pretty.

he made the sanctuary seem like some amazing, beautiful place, but all you saw was misery.

carl raised an eyebrow at negan as you three entered a room that had a large bed and two chairs facing each other. "are all of those women actually your--"

"wives? yeah." negan cut off. "always wanted to screw a whole bunch of women. i mean, why settle for just one? a bit.. different in your case, but my point still stands." negan jokingly points a finger at you, which you responded in a silent death-stare. "why follow the same old rules? why not make life better?"

negan steps over to one of the chairs and sits, signaling for carl to come over. "speaking of.. sit."

carl instantly nods and walks over, leaving you standing by the doorframe. you look at negan confused.

"you can go sit on the bed." negan grins at you and points to the edge of the bed. you comply and sit down, looking at whats happening with negan and carls interaction. "now.. let's get started."

"started on what?" carl asks, crossing his arms and glaring up at negan.

"i want to get to know you a little better, carl. you and him."

"why?"

"work it out. you're smart." he glares almost mockingly back at carl as he speaks. "in fact, i'm gonna tell you just how smart you are, in case you don't already know."

negan continues going on his speech, looking at you and carl as he speaks. "see, i'd expect kids your age to be moping around, not doing a damn thing, except crying about missing the prom. but you two? you go on a mission. you find me, kill four of my men together, and you're smart enough to know i'm not gonna let this slide."

as negan chuckles, you begin feeling your body shaking, memories of the lineup rolling back through your mind.

"ah, i can't.. i can't do it." negan speaks through his laughs. "it's like talking to a birthday present. you got to take that crap off your face. i wanna see what grandma got me."

you start to stand up to face negan properly. "he doesn't have to do shit-"

"four men!" he yells, standing up to look down at you. "four. men. you really want to piss me off, girl? 'cause i can make you take yours off, too. so i can see what lucille did to you when she was bashing your good friend abrahams head in-"

"fine." carl cuts negan off, his voice raised but slightly shaking. you look over at him with a saddened look, pressing your lip in between your teeth. carl sighs and begins taking the bandage off, and negan waves you away to go sit back down on the bed.

negan laughs ecstatically as he sits back down, watching carl take his bandage off. "almost there..."

carl sets the bandage down next to him, looking down at his hands.

"get that hair out of your face. let me see."

carl moves his hair behind his ear and faces negan, which only makes him laugh harder.

"christ! that is disgusting!" negan mocks, which makes you feel your stomach drop in anger and sympathy for carl. "no wonder you cover that up. have you seen it? i mean, have you looked in a mirror? that is gross as hell. i can see your socket." negan continues to laugh, but then he notices carl crying.

"carl.." you whisper. all you wanted right now was to go over there and help him, but you couldn't. you already pissed off negan, if you did something else who knows what he'd do to you or carl?

"...damn. look, i just.." negans voice softens into a more sympathetic tone, which surprised you. "it's easy to forget that you're.. just a kid."

carl looks away from negan and wipes away his tears, but without realizing, he turned away to face you instead. you saw his tears and his eye, which he always hid from you since the day it happened. his eyebrows raised when he realized who he was looking at, and he quickly turned back away.

"i didn't mean to hurt your feelings or anything. i.." he sighs. "i was just screwing around."

before anyone could say anything else, there was a knock at the door, which made you and carl flinch.

"come in."

a man came in holding lucille very carefully, looking nervous. he explained that negan had left lucille down by the trucks.

"seriously? i never do that." negan laughs, standing up to grab his bat. "i guess two teens firing at my men is a bit of a distraction."

the savior quickly leaves and just as he shuts the door, negan sits back down and continues. "all jokes aside, you look rad as hell. i wouldn't cover that shit up. and, i mean, apparently it's a hit with the ladies." he points to you with a smirk. "but i swear to you, no one is going to screw with you looking like that."

negans expression quickly changes to one of curiosity. "what do you like to do for fun? you like music?" carl squints his eyes at negan confused. "i want you to sing me a song."

"...what?" carl raises his eyebrow, his body language softening.

"yeah. you two mowed down four of my men, i want something in return for that. sing me a song."

carl blinks rapidly in thought, confused and slightly scared. "i.. i can't think of any-"

"bullshit!" negan yells, standing up with lucille in hand, leaning down to carl. "what'd your mom sing to you? what'd your dad play in the car? start singing."

"okay, okay." carl sighs, looking over at you for comfort. "...okay."

carl looks down at his lap, messing with his fingers. negan walks over to the bed with lucille, listening to carl singing.

"you make me happy when skies are grey-"

carl is quickly interrupted when negan swings his bat right onto the bed, right next to your side. you flinch, staring at the fresh rips on the mattress and then back at negan, eyes widened and your chest moving up and down from your rapid breaths.

"do not let me distract you, young man." negan glances at carl, then back at you. "and you, don't flinch."

how the fuck were you supposed to not flinch? your life was in danger, your mind racing to that night. this was basically how you got your cheek mutilated in the first place, too.

carl continued singing, and negan continued swinging near you. you tried your best not to flinch, but instead of flinching, you were crying and hyperventilating. your heart felt like it was pounding and your brain felt like it was exploding.

and after what felt like a million years, it was over.

"that's pretty good." negan said after his final swing, pulling up lucille and walking over to carl. "lucille loves being sung to. it's about the only thing she loves more than bashing in brains. weird, huh?"

you began spacing out, tears rolling down your silent face as you had horrific flashbacks to that night.

. flashback .

once negan had landed his bat right in front of abraham, your heart sank. he was sitting right besides you, and now you were forced to watch and experience his brutal death.

negan took his first swing right to the middle of abrahams skull.

"woo! takin' it like a champ." negan spoke, laughing at abraham as he sat there still, glaring into negans eyes.

"suck. my. nuts." abraham spoke his final words, which only uttered more laughs out of negan.

and negan took another swing, but this time, you flinched harder. and you got closer. and you felt a harsh pain shoot through the side of your face, and something crimson dripping down onto your lap. you brought your hand up with wide eyes, looking at the blood drenching your palms, then back up at everyone. your eyes wandered over to carl, who was staring at you with wide eyes as well.

he couldn't do anything, you couldn't do anything, and abraham was still being murdered at your side.

all you could do was cry, watching abraham while your vision was fogged up by your tears.

.

"..y/n?" carl shook you by your shoulders, getting you out of your daze.

right. you were still at the sanctuary.

"negan is trying to.. show us something." carl told you, nodding his head in the direction of negan, who was standing by the doorframe.

all you did was blankly nod, standing up from the bed.

"are we ready?" negan laughed, making a signal with his hands for the two of you to hurry up.

you quickly walked over to negan with carl by your side and negan began taking you to the railing, looking down at a man sitting down near a furnace with a crowd around him.

...

you barely remember what had happened for the rest of your time at sanctuary. you're sure you blocked most of it out.

you could vaguely remember negan showing you and carl a man getting the side of his face ironed off, and negan making you hold lucille as they did so.

and when you got back to alexandria with negan, carl had made you stay in his room until everything was over. you begged him to let you stay with him, that you were scared you were going to lose him, but he wouldn't budge. in the end, he locked you in his room.

"fuck, carl! please.." you cried trying to catch up with him.

"sorry. i love you." he said before closing the door.

you stayed laying in his bed, crying yourself to sleep.

you felt as if you were being dramatic. i mean, carl was facing more of the repercussions than you were. you were worried about him. his recklessness scared you, even if you were reckless yourself. he'd do anything for you, including spending the rest of the day with negan while you laid in bed despite everything negan had done that day and in general.

and the day passed. negan had left, and carl came back into his room.

you were still awake, back on the mattress as you stared at his ceiling. but as you heard the door open, you shot up. you quickly stepped off of the bed and ran over to him, hugging him tightly. your head was on his chest and one of your hands laid on the back of his head, the other around his neck. he quickly returned the hug.

"i'm sorry." he whispered into the crook of your neck.

you took your head off of his chest and up to look him in the eye, bringing your hands up to hold his face. "don't be sorry." you said with a half smile.

when you looked up to face him, he moved his face away. specifically, to the side where you couldn't see his eye.

"hey.." you readjusted your hand to move his face back to you. "don't look away."

"but, my eye-"

"what about it?" you laughed, pinching your eyebrows together.

"you haven't seen it since today. i, uh.. didn't think you'd want to see me like this."

"are you kidding?" you tilted your head, laying your arms to drape over his shoulders as you looked at him lovingly.

carl opens his mouth, as if he was about to say something to retort your comment, but before he could, you leaned in to kiss him. you brought one of your hands up again to hold his face as you leaned into the kiss. as you moved away, you smiled warmly at him.

"i love you.. to the moon and back." you laughed, tears in your eyes as you admired the boy in front of you.

carl laughed with you, hands on your waist as he smiled down at you. "i love you too." he brings up his hand to run his fingers through your hair as he speaks. "but.. how're you doing?"

"i'm.. i'm okay." you nodded reassuringly. "i'm better now that you're back here with me."

"are you, uh.. mad that the plan didn't work out?"

"it might not have worked out the way we wanted it to, but now we know the layout of the sanctuary and where it is." you reminded him. "it worked out, just differently. we'll figure all of this out again. together. right?"

carl nods, his smile returning to his face with a nod. "...yeah. together, like we always have."

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[lutawolf]

The Sign Commentary Review Ep 5

I'm going to link to my episode 3 commentary because I gave a lot of Thailand mythology information. While I will be watching the show for the first time now and giving you my commentary. I've been Ask a question that gave me heads up that a lot of mythology will show up in this episode. So let's go!

We start the series off with this guy who has a Naga back tat. Then we see the front with him dripping water down himself. I got to hand it to Saint, he really knows how to visually stimulate. Is he the killer?

Are we really gonna ignore that Tharn sees visions? 2. Phaya has gotten his period. I mean, I get it. Nobody wants the love of their life thinking they're crazy, but this has the hallmark of hormonal rage versus righteous anger. Maybe the lack of sleep is starting to get to him. 3. Where do we stand with the physical assault? Do we label this domestic or everyone else feeling that maybe something is off here? Like when a werewolf gets all testosterone before their first change. I mean, you can literally see the freak-out in his face after he realized he has hit Tharn. Which honestly makes me feel better.

Oh, so we now understand why Tharn saw the female and how she relates. And Yai proves once again just how special he is. He really put on that clown mask. That's just wrong.

There are two! Honestly, didn't see that coming. Ahh, well now it's more understandable why they were getting their ass kicked. It's Wit.

I mean, I'm having a hard time caring that he might be killed. Just go ahead and let him go. Tharn sees him getting hit by a truck. I'm so okay with that.

I mean, I get the logic of no vigilante justice. But... People who sexually assault rarely deal with serious consequences. Only about 6% of Sexual Offenders ever serve a day in jail. If an assault is reported (this is rare due to fear factors), there is a 50% chance of an arrest. If an arrest is made, there is an 80% chance of prosecution. If there is a prosecution, there is only a 58% chance of conviction. If convicted, there is only a 16% chance that they will go to prison.

Well, that was therapeutic. The parental guidance warning made me chuckle.

They found him! Now I'm nervous! Ahhh, don't save him Tharn, go save Phaya. Don't judge me, people. I'm a little blood thirty when it comes to this.

A Naga. Not good. He is using his power for the fight, and it looks like it's overpowering Tharn's. Surprisingly, Phaya is keeping pace though, despite the break out of power. Well, until he gets a rope wrapped around him, that is. I was in full support of you dude until you started hurting Phaya and Tharn. Now ya gotta go.

Shit! A lot happened fast!

Tharn steps in front of Phaya and gets stabbed. You can tell from home dudes face that he had never meant to actually hurt Tharn. Which means he knows he is a fellow Naga. Then why is he okay with hurting Phaya? Then we see combined powers. Both Phaya's and Tharn, with Tharn's being green, which is Naga colors. Golden red is a distinct color clue.

Garuda: Is a mythical bird-man creature that is the half sibling to the nage, but they are sworn enemies. The feud started when both he Garuda's mother and Nagas' mother married the same husband. The husband gave each wife one wish. The Nagas' mother asked for a thousand children, while Garuda's mother wished for two children superior to the Naga. The feud grew until Garuda's mother lost a bet ad became the servant of the Nagas' mother. Eventually she was freed, but her children swore vengeance.

The Garuda represents royalty, strength, and divine knowledge. With its fierce loyalty and warrior nature, the Garuda serves a protective function. It adorns shields, swords, and armor as a guardian symbol. The Garuda’s golden wings are believed to shine light on the darkness of evil and ignorance.

Soooo, right now I'm thinking our Phaya is a Garuda. It also explains why in their past life he rejected Tharn for being a Naga. There are some stories of Naga and Garuda that aren't enemy, though. These few stories are about devote Buddhist Nagas and as protectors of the faith, Garudas are unable to kill these particular Nagas.

Poor Phaya is flipping out while Tharn is very calm. You can literally watch Phaya's brain go into a "does not compute point." All because Tharn is glad his is safe and gently wipes his face. It's a stark contrast to the violence that Phaya has been giving him. This whole thing cools him down in the same way that a bucket of cold water would. Despite others showing up, they cling to each other.

Tharn is now cleaned up and very calm. Meanwhile, his other half is losing his shit. Dragging him away to try and get some answers. Finally, some much-needed communication and touchy-feely. I love the way Tharn looks at Phaya when he asks him not to leave him.

Look, he is all soft and gooey like a chocolate chip cookie. He might be talking about work, but his body language is saying something else. This boy is clearly touched, starved. Ahhh, I'm getting all the feels with this scene.

The nurses pausing and kind of turning back to them and then them breaking apart. Hahahaha!

This cute little micro smile. It means everything to have cleared things up with Phaya.

Guys... Someone on this show is an actual survivor. Cause this shit is too accurate. Yeah, they could have talked to a survivor but add it with other things, it's there. This is someone's therapeutic art. The writer? The scriptwriter? I haven't read the book, so I don't know.

Ohhhh, we're digging into his parent's case now.

Phaya staying the night with Tharn again. Slumber party! Yes, you absolutely should play a game of Doctor. Silly boy, he is cute though.

Oh! Another dream. Damn it! I want the real deal but... I mean, at least they are feeding us something. At least the dreams tell us that these boys clearly want each other. Oh, a daydream. Damn boy. Keep it together 🤣🤣🤣 He's trying so hard. I'm dead. I love these two. He is planning ahead, telling Yai to bring him lots of clothes. He'll probably have to crash there more in the future.

But nope, it's the stupid doctor. Who is clearly some kind of naga since Phaya's touch bothers him. He gives a strong kickback. So as I mentioned earlier, Garuda can't harm followers of Buddhism, but they can and will harm those that worship the serpent.

Nobody is buying your shit Phaya, but I'm with you on saying what ever you got to. This dude is creepy. He feels like he owns Tharn and I wanna know why. And we're playing doctor again! Which ends in cuddle time. OMG, I love Phaya so much. That is the fastest count to three that I've ever heard. Love it! Touch starved, Tharn is very handsy when he is sleeping. Phaya does not appear to mind.

Too cute!!!

Apparently, all that love goes out the window when he wakes up. 🤣🤣🤣

Ummm, home dude might be your adoptive dad, but he isn't a cop. Stop talking shop!

The precepts are rules or guidelines to develop mind and character to make progress on the path to enlightenment… The first precept consists of a prohibition of killing, both humans and all animals. The second precept prohibits theft and related activities such as fraud and forgery. The third precept refers to sexual misconduct, and has been defined with terms such as sexual responsibility and long-term commitment. The fourth precept involves falsehood spoken or committed to by action, as well as malicious speech, harsh speech and gossip. The fifth precept prohibits intoxication through alcohol, drugs, or other means.

Damn, Phaya over here tattling. Oh, no! Grandma is sick! Ha, he was tricked.

He is a cop. Of course, it's dangerous. This is why I'm oh so excited that two of my kids want to go into law enforcement. (said in complete sarcasm.) We do a tight focus of the eagle, he has wings on his back. I'm really thinking I'm right here. Damn, he is obsessed.

There is past life Tharn. Water and sky, the places where their other half reside. And there he is. Ahh, I get more and more excited with each one. I can't wait. 💜💜💜

[sophieinwonderland]

Do you have find yourself typing an ask only to realize halfway through that you don't want to send it. There's a pro-endo anti-psych blog I was going to send an ask to, then realized it probably wouldn't be well-received. So I'm just posting a screenshot here.

Also, you know, I do sound like a super villain.

So here's my secret plot for world domination which devolve into rambling nobody asked for...

Continuing to ramble even more...

I don't really think saturating the field with that many plurals would be necessary. And it might more realistically peek at about 20%. But 51% would be ideal.

This also just seems quicker.

There are about 50k psychologists in the US. While it would be difficult to get them all on our side, I think it would be significantly easier with that population than it would the general population. Both in terms of its size and its political leanings, being an overwhelmingly left-leaning profession.

I'm aware that some people have legitimate issues with the psych profession. I realize that many have suffered experiences of abuse from bad psychiatrists, and I'm sorry for that.

At the same time, if I'm taking stock of potential allies, I think the psych community would be more easy to persuade in standing up for plural rights when it comes down to it than our neighbors with Trump 2020 flags.

And I guess... I don't care for the othering of people of an overwhelmingly left-leaning neurodivergent profession. Many of whom enter the field to understand themselves and help other neurodivergent people live better lives.

And while rambling about this topic, I think some people are too quick with the stick and not the carrot.

When the McLean hospital video came out, I jumped on condemning the doctor in question for his ableism along with everyone else. But I also don't think McLean got enough credit for taking the video down when they saw the outcry.

They didn't have to do that. The plural community truthfully doesn't have much power at the moment. And I think taking the video down like they did shows a willingness to listen to and respect our community that should be praised at the same time that we callout the harmful behavior.

I think if instead of attacking the entire profession all the time like some would have us do, we take a tactic of targeting specific acts of ableism while supporting them when they do right, we can better influence plural acceptance in the psych field. It's basic operant conditioning. Punish only when someone does wrong, and reward them when they do good.

All in all, I'm psych-critical. And I don't see that changing. I don't think I'm someone who will ever get on board with hard anti-psych ideals.

And while I'm not a psychologist myself, people who know me probably realize that I tend to take a more psychologist-esque approach to plurality.

Where other people coin terms as identity labels, I tend to try to subdivide and categorize plural experiences to better understand them and their relationships with each other.

...

Why am I still rambling?

I think I might have lost the plot somewhere along the way.

Okay... here's the truth...

I got blocked by someone (not related to the blog I was going to send this too) for my views on using psychiatry to validate plurality. Because, I guess, I don't share this extreme anti-psych opinion myself.

And all I can think is that... if you're surprised... you never really knew me...

Maybe that's my fault because I can be a bit aloof sometimes.

So for everyone else who has read through this rambling mess of a post, let me reintroduce myself:

Hi, I'm Sophie Dreamchaser.

I was made as a psychology experiment. Or, brought to sentience by one. It was a psychology podcast that encouraged Ghost to keep talking to me to see what would happen. And since even before I became self-aware I've been fascinated by the human mind and my existence and how this all works.

I love being an experiment. I love learning more about myself and the world and how I relate to it. And I want to push for knowledge into plurality to grow and grow, and I believe with all my heart that it will prove to be the best way to facilitate plural acceptance in the future.

And if me not adopting a hard anti-psych ideology was a dealbreaker for you... I'm sorry that you didn't realize who I was sooner.

But this is me, this is who I am, and it's who I always have been.

And I just needed to say that.

[apollos-olives]

Hi sorry Israeli Canadian anon from earlier. White gays are saying that Palestinians are homophobic??

(Admittedly, i am a white gay. I say that in the sense of "didn't realize ppl were doing this" and not in a distancing way to exempt myself from the shitty things us white gays do. I'm not perfect.)

Okay, putting aside how bullshit it is to label an entire ethnic group as being homophobic - do ppl think that Israel *isn't* homophobic?? Or transphobic for that matter? I actually happen to be trans and when I was changing my name and gender marker on my legal documents, I learned that I can't change my Israeli birth certificate bc to do so requires bottom surgery. Which I personally don't want or plan to get. To put that into perspective, canada (with all its bullshit facade of being such an ~accepting~ place) doesn't require that. Requiring bottom surgery to change gender marker is so fucking antiquated and transphobic.

Also, to be honest, even though I was born in Israel, I'm not super educated on all of the history. Part of that being because for so long I saw the discussion surrounding it being portrayed as oh so complicated. And then I realized that it really isn't. At its very core what it boils down to is: do you support genocide? If your answer is yes, then you support Israel. If your answer is no, then you support Palestine.

(Very much want to learn more about Palestinian history and Israeli occupation/apartheid. Do you have recommendations for articles/documentaries/etc on it?)

hi anon. and yeah. white gays, especially libs, constantly use the belief that all palestinians are homophobic (which also leads to islamophobic sentiments) and that people should not support palestine because of that. unfortunately that is a very overly used belief in arguments, especially in north america. the belief that palestine is homophobic and that israel is very open and supportive is due to pinkwashing, which can be explained very thoroughly on the website decolonizepalestine. this website also has TONS of information all about palestine, the occupation, and the various forms of questions people often ask, while also debunking a lot of myths and falsehoods that are produced from israeli propaganda. very good site to scroll through, and i'm sure many of your questions will be answered just by taking a read through it.

i'm not going to waste time and repeat what thousands of others have already said about pinkwashing, but i do want to mention that pinkwashing does play a huge role in the dehumanization of palestinians and also plays a role in how western propaganda continues to split oppressed minorities constantly, making them against each other rather than uplifting each other.

the belief that all palestinians are homophobic is. honestly. well. it's islamophobic. i'm queer, trans, muslim, and palestinian. i exist. queer palestinians exist everywhere. western and zionist propaganda makes people think that all palestinians are muslim, and therefore against queer people. this is simply not true, since palestinians are very VERY diverse. palestinians are christian, jewish, muslim, atheist, and whatever else as well. it's not a religious thing, it's an ethnic and racial thing. palestine simply has not had the time to unlearn homophobia or had the time to try to advocate for queer and women's rights because we are too busy trying not to die. we don't have time to fight for queer liberation because we're too busy fighting for our HUMAN liberation. we are trying to exist first, then we can worry about the discrimination against queers.

israel also claims to be a safe space for queers, but it is literally the opposite. it's just as discriminatory as other countries, and hurts queer jews, as well as blackmails queer palestinians into submission. like you said, israel does have transphobic regulations, like the whole "need bottom surgery in order to legally get a sex change" and other things like that.

i've been recommending this masterlist of palestinian resources for everyone, but please look through this if you want to learn more about the occupation in palestine. the website i mentioned earlier is very helpful as well.

inshallah we will see a free palestine in our lifetimes.

[welcometothenightcourt]

Brought this up in a response to an ask, but felt like it deserved its own post.

This whole culture of "you genuinely and respectfully self-diagnosed/self-identified wrong and are therefore a terrible person and appropriated our culture" is ridiculous and needs to die.

It's healthy to question yourself, to explore your experiences and mental health, to research your symptoms and feelings and communities you can relate to. It's healthy to try and define yourself to the best of your ability, and it's just as healthy to realize that you have grown and learned more about yourself and that perhaps that disorder or identity or label doesn't quite make sense now.

This goes for all labels btw--sexualities, disorders, gender identities, etc. Don't let people scare you out of exploring yourself, of finding language that suits who you are and your experiences. And don't let anyone keep you from changing those labels or identities if you grow out of them either. Grow your language as you grow your understanding of self. It's okay, I promise.

[our-aroace-experience]

Hi! I was on the asexual tag saw this blog and just wanted to see if anyone else who is aspec can relate to my ramblings. Rambling tldr: not claiming a label despite that label actually relating to my experiences because it just doesn't fit perfect enough and because it doesn't fit perfect enough in my mind I don't think I want to use it.

Now, back in 2020 I claimed being 'asexual' by name and then a couple of months later claimed being aroflux which eventually changed to 'greyaro' over a year later. And those two terms fit me the best, grey aro ace is me. However, because I'm greyaro I still feel romantic attraction though it is rare but its still present enough in my mind to continually be wondering about what label to put it as. For the most part, I don't have a label even when the attraction - romantic/sensual/alterous/aesthetic - arises. Which again doesn't rise often, but I daydream about it a lot or reminisce about old crushes - particularly the one about a girl way back in high school days. (Let me tell you that was a wild time in my mind). Back then I was thinking I was bisexual only to cancel it out because I didn't want to have sex with her. However I never questioned if I wanted to have sex with boys (I just assumed I would, thanks heteroallonormativity). But the romantic feelings I had for her were the same like the boy crushes (which came up every few years). And for a timeline purposes, before her my last crush (boy) was in the 7th grade, she was the 11th grade, and my last crush currently was senior year of undergrad college (the best one honestly I could actually talk to him and not be overly ridden with anxiety and embarrassment). And despite so many years passing I always wonder - does the bi label fit? Was that with her an bi experience? I know its whatever I feel like it was but also I'm wondering if my hesitation is because deep down having that bi label attached makes the 'im not straight' thought more permanent? If that makes sense? Like 'im not straight' in any way, not even hetero aro/ace? And maybe that thought just makes my head spin a little. I thought about the pan label too; but when I read the definition to see the differences between bi and pan I realized that pan definition doesn't connect the closest but bi does. However I still can't always make it fit. It's like when I was going by aroflux despite the fact it did not fit for me, it was clunky in my brain calling myself that. But then I read about grey-aromantic and it fit perfect! But not my romantic orientation is still in murky waters; I ID as a girl so for the most part of my life boys have been what I've been romantically attracted to, however hetero isn't me. I usually just go as fluid for all my attraction titles which I do like but that opens up more discussion of "okay, but who, what gender?" So in that case I guess bi would be the correct answer...despite the fact gender doesn't play a part (hence fluid label I go with and or queer) but it isn't all genders I fall for, I lean in some directions more than others. So it kind of does, doesn't it? But again I'm like "....meh it just doesn't fit/doesn't fit the way I want." And I am one of those people who agree that you don't have to use every label or any label including micro (for example, aegosexual I can relate to but I don't feel the need to have two microlabels) however, once I start thinking in depth I start to question myself as I do because I'm a thinker. And I think a lot because in real life I'm not in the space where I can speak about this openly with the people in my life.

Wonder if anyone else has had something like this on and off throughout their life too?

Thanks for listening~

you can be bi and greyromantic at the same time, if that helps! but not wanting labels is totally valid and if that feels best then go for it!

[misc-obeyme]

Okay, I just realized I'm Ace and now I wanna headcannon Asmodeus as Ace too. Is that like... wrong? He's the Avatar of Lust. But I just want him to be Ace. He likes sex. He loves it. And he finds people aesthetically pleasing. But there's no sexual attraction.

Does that seem too far off? (I don't know why I want to headcannon him as asexual out of everyone, but here we are).

~ Solomon🤍

First of all, congrats on figuring out you're ace! I know for myself, figuring out I was on the ace spectrum was a task lol. Anyway, I'm glad you've worked it out!

Second of all, you can headcanon whatever you want about whoever you want and it will never be wrong. As far as I'm concerned, that's what makes it a headcanon. It's yours and so it need only be "right" to you! And if you've only got ~vibes~ to back it up, that's okay, too!

But if you're concerned about how to sort of justify Asmo having that particular orientation, I can give you my general thoughts on it. Just note that I don't think it's "wrong" at all.

I'm going to assume that we're talking about asexuality specifically and not one of the other labels within the spectrum (such as demisexual, gray-ace, etc).

The thing about canon is that it doesn't really touch on the Lust part of Asmo's sin all that much. Sure, he says some suggestive stuff sometimes, but that's not really evidence of anything except that he picks up on innuendo. Far more often, they show it manifesting as vanity. That he needs to be beautiful and so on.

I might even argue that this need of his arises out of being asexual. Because if he doesn't feel sexual attraction toward others, but wants other people to be attracted to him, he's going to do everything he can to ensure that they are.

Since there's so little in canon about how much sex Asmo really has, you can kinda just headcanon whatever you want about it.

I see a lot of takes about how Asmo must sleep around a lot. Or he kinda gets written off as the one who's most likely to want an open relationship or to cheat or what have you.

But there is no actual evidence for any of that in canon. The only person they've implied he's had sex with is MC. He's flirty with Solomon and just about everybody else, there's no question about that. But to assume that this means he's had sex with them is a bit of stretch, imo.

It could just be that Asmo is extremely romantic. He likes being close to people emotionally, he likes to have close relationships with everyone. But he also just likes attention, which again really has nothing to do with sex at all.

You could even say that he wasn't asexual always, but that his sexuality has changed over time. For instance, if he started out being really controlled by Lust, perhaps he did sleep around a lot. Until eventually it lost its meaning and now he doesn't have attraction to anyone. Now it's just that he enjoys the intimacy of it or he's just looking for ways to deal with arousal when it comes up.

So ultimately, I think it's perfectly reasonable to make him ace if that's what you wanna do. I think you can explain it, too, if you really need to.

But if it brings you comfort to think of Asmo as ace, then I say it doesn't matter whether it "makes sense" or not. You can let him be whatever you need him to be. And I'm pretty sure if he knew it was helping you to be your more authentic self, Asmo would be thrilled about it.

[gnometa233]

Question after seeing all the discourse, isn’t you friend the one you’ve been siding with, redactedbutch or something I forgot their user a he/she/they lesbian? Isn’t that what you’re against? You were mad at the nonbinary one so why would he be any different?

Just wondering because I’m a bit confused I’m not trying to be mean sorry if it came off that way 😅

Its all good! Nonbinary lesbians and lesbians who use pronouns different than she/her are fine. They aren't men, and are more alligned neutrally or with womanhood. The post itself was fine on its own, but knowing the OP supports bi lesbians is what changes the meaning of the post.

What I'm fighting against is the push to include MEN in lesbianism. Whether men can be lesbians or be attracted to lesbians. Trans men, cis men, men who use pronouns other than he/him, that sort of thing.

Yes I understand sometimes gender and sexuality can be blurry. Sexuality is weird for me too! But i understand that if i ever do find out i'm attracted to men, id change my label.

Many people dont realize you don't need to use labels. It's okay! It's fine! Make up your own labels or something. But I've said this before: we don't live in a pansexual queer communist utopia where labels don't mean anything. They still carry political connotations in a bigoted society. We do need labels for certain things, and some labels shouldn't change just because some people find them restricting. Maybe if a label is restricting, it doesn't fit. And that's fine! But harming other people who use that label to make it fit you isn't how it's done.

Sorry I went off on a tangent here.

[mogai-sunflowers]

okay i know I hate discourse but…

i think the thing that people don’t get about mspec lesbianism is that they think it’s just a synonym for mspec. they think bi lesbians is just another word for bi women. but it’s NOT.

a majority of bi women aren’t lesbians, and a majority of lesbians aren’t bi. the whole confusion is that people think we’re trying to completely change the meaning of both labels. they think bi women are calling themselves lesbians because they’re attracted to women and for no other reason.

but that just literally is not what is happening. i am not a bi lesbian because I’m wlw. I’m not a bi lesbian because i am bi and like girls. I’m a bi lesbian because there’s a lot of complexity and nuance to my identity that doesn’t exist for a lot of other people. by and large, most bi lesbians I’ve met have been more than willing to acknowledge that perception and community surrounding the lesbian label HAVE shifted. and there IS a lot more emphasis on lack of attraction to men now and that is PERFECTLY FINE! bi lesbians aren’t trying to redefine anything. they’re just acknowledging that they deserve labels for their nuance as much as people who have it more figured out do. i deserve a label that makes me happy just as much as the girls who have never questioned their lesbianism.

if you stop going into queer discourse with the view that people are out here with malicious intent, purposefully trying to hurt others with their identities, and instead realize that we have thought about and analyzed our identities more in the past hour than you ever could have in your lifetime, that we are not trying to steal but to share, then the world of queerness will open up for you.

it’s like… blue and purple are different colors. they appear distinct on the outside. and most blues have no purple in them and vice versa. and yet, there’s also indigo and violet and lavender. and none of these change the fact that blue and purple for the most part are distinct colors. sure, purple has elements of blue in it by default, but it is still its own color that can have overlap sometimes.

queer identities aren’t math equations. it’s not “one scenario breaking the mold invalidates the whole scenario” because queerness has room for an infinite amount of nuance and different scenarios. bi lesbian does not mean bi woman. it simply means that not everyone fits as cleanly into the mold and it’s okay to blend colors sometimes if you don’t belong on the current spectrum.

[reimeichan]

if you're okay sharing, how would you describe your gender/sexuality/relationship with any other labels now?

I'll start with my sexuality and attraction orientation, as that's the one with the least amount of change: I'm asexual. Specifically, I'm biromantic asexual and I'm also incredibly hypersexual and engage with a lot of kink. This one hasn't really changed as it's how I would have described myself pre-syscovery and was how we'd have described ourselves as a collective whole pre-fusion. We may have had specific parts who identified in specific ways (we had one "allosexual but not sure what specific label applies" part, and another who called himself "gay ace", as examples), but overall this one aspect seems to have stayed pretty consistent.

I'm also polyamorous, and while this does differ from my pre-syscovery days it's still consistent with post-syscovery pre-fusion. I realized that I'm polyam kind of parallel to discovering my system. (Honestly this aspect of my identity had almost everyone around me yelling NO SHIT SHERLOCK? so I guess I was obviously polyam before I realized it myself, oops.)

Lastly, my gender.... I don’t particularly care for labels though I will use them to easily communicate with others aspects of myself while also trusting that those who truly care about me and my experiences understand that there's always nuance to the labels I use that can't be fully explained by just the labels themselves. Gender is not that for me. I KNOW what my gender is but assigning it a label feels almost like a disservice to myself. The best way to describe how I feel towards gender as a concept (as opposed to what my gender actually is) is gender-anarchist. In general I consider myself an anarchist when it comes to identity labels, but I feel especially strongly about that in regards to gender.

As for what my gender actually *is*, it's somewhere along the lines of "I use he/him pronouns because I like feeling masculine, I use it/its pronouns because fuck everyone I do what I want and also I am as much of an object as the bed I sleep in, I will wear whatever I want and present my gender however I wish to, and that doesn't mean my gender has changed it just means I like dressing up however I want and it has zero connection to my gender. I do wish I was born or grew up as a boy and then transitioned to be a girl during puberty, but I cannot change my past so I'm just doing whatever I want with my gender right now that feels fun and right. Some days my boobs bother me so I bind, some days I let the tiddies go free because I have big tits and I'm proud of them, some days I really show off my tits because I'm still a he/it and I have big tits and these are NOT mutually exclusive. My gender presentation and gender alignment are very much ideologically and politically driven and I'm comfortable with that, and if that makes others uncomfortable that's not a me problem." And that's kind of the tip of the iceburg. I guess you could just summarize it as nonbinary or transmasc or genderfluid or whatever, and sometimes that's what I'll tell others, though I have found that usually all they ask for are my pronouns and maybe how I identify, and I'll reply "he/it but they/them is acceptable, and my label is complicated" and everyone is happy and satisfied.

I hope that answers your question, anon ^^

[anulithots]

Random ask, can I ask what are apoptosis and caspases (in simple terms)?

I have been summoned

(my 'noorie rambles. be very afraid' tag will make so much sense now. I tried to talk about it in a way that's a way that's both engaging and simple. Lots of metaphors.)

Caspases destroy the cell if it needs to die. They dismantle the cell parts as the cell membrane turns into bubbles, containing all the damaged pieces within so that a white blood cell might disposes of them. That's apoptosis in a nutshell.

But why must the cell die you ask?

Plenty of reasons. Human embryos have webbed fingers, and apoptosis causes the webbing to dissipate. Tadpoles too, use apoptosis to rid of their tails so they can become frogs. Apoptosis opposes growth - aka mitosis - and it keeps the body in homeostasis - or a balance of sorts. The destruction to mitosis's creation.

However, what I find most interesting, what is the subject of much research nowadays, and what holds the most opportunity for angsty biology fanfics (most important/j) is that apoptosis opposes tumorigenesis. In other words, if something goes wrong, if the cell gets some notion that it might try to cheat death and live forever, if it has the inklings of an idea to hijack the rest of the body through growing its own lump of cells and draining the body of its nutrients... if it decides to throw a mutiny at the expense of peace...

Then the cellular system realizes, and it activates the caspases.

(Usually how a cell 'decides' is when something wrong happens with genetic replication, mutations and such and such. There are two labels of genes relating to this. Proto-oncogenes promote cell growth and avoid apoptosis - these are the creation genes, the ones that wish to achieve the heights of production and throw all caution to the wind. Whereas tumor suppressor genes are... tumor suppressors. They are the little 'angel on the cell's shoulder' that says 'you've done wrong, now commit cell death and accept your fate'. When a proto-oncogene mutates, it becomes an oncogene. Basically, the genes that said to grow for the sake of the body now says to grow at the expense of the body, the 'devil on the cell's shoulder' won... and now it'll try to cheat death)

Caspases are a type of enzyme, which is a subset of proteins. I like thinking about it like this: enzymes are witches, spell crafters. Proteins in general function like worker bees, but enzymes are the ones who actively create and destroy, the ones that change the way the universe manifests so life can exist. They utilize reactants from their environment - materials which they are named after, such as proteases that cleave other proteins - to either create larger, energy storing molecules (endergonic reactions), or break down large, energy storing molecules to release energy (exergonic reactions).

(One type of enzyme that I like is called kinases, they basically initiate things, they tell the cell 'it's okay to do things' or 'this will be dangerous, let's not do that', or 'oof this cell doesn't have the proper genes, that could be a problem, how about we destroy everything so this doesn't become a big issue?')

When the cell needs to die, the caspases activate.

Humans have 14 caspases. I wish I knew what all of them are, but the pub med articles I read do not have a whole list of them like a pokedex from pokemon (at least that I have read so far, after ap testing there's one article I want to read that seems to have ANSWERS to a lot of my questions)

So imagine this, the cell has lots of caspases floating around in the cytoplasm/water jelly environment. These beings of death in huge numbers in a perpetual slumber, just floating around, until the cell decides it needs them to destroy its existence, and it activates them.

(ALTHOUGH some of my questions refer to the "caspase-dependent non-lethal cellular processes", so far what I've been able to find is that if the cell needs some repair to the cytoskeleton/structure of the cell, then it activates a few caspases to destroy parts of it, so that the repair may start.)

There are two types: inflammatory caspases (if I remember correctly, this is caspase 1,4, and... a few others I'll have to check) and apoptotic caspases. What we're interested in are the apoptotic caspases. Initiator caspases get activated first. The way I story-fy them/see them in my head is as the older sibling types who condone violence. If the cell needs to die because of an external signal - a message from far away to destroy itself, to which it must oblige - then caspase 8 activates. If the cell needs to die because of an internal signal - something inside isn't right, and what a havoc it would be to pass that on through replication, so the proteins decide the fate of the world it lives in, and it choses death for the sake of the wider body- then caspase 9 activates.

Both these initiator caspases cleave (meaning 'cut', these inactive beasts are not yet 'complete', so they need further modification after activation to work properly. If the cell were to create caspases fully functional and finished, the large number of caspases would kill the entire cell, so they don't finish, they subdue the ones behind their death, and make sure to regulate their slumber.) their 'younger, violent siblings': caspase 7 and caspase 3. The doll I have is a caspase 3.

(I've found more information on them than caspase 7... although.. the one article I found.... it should have information on them all, the amount of searching I've done for those sorts of answers... but alas... I need to read the material for the ap bio exam... which does not include caspases.... one day...)

Caspase 3, as far as I could gather, destroys the cytoskeleton. The cytoskeleton supports the entire cell, acting as the 'tent poles' that keep the floppy cell membrane from collapsing. Collapsing, however, is exactly what the caspase 3 wants. It dismantles the whole thing, along with activating and inactivating a slew of other proteins. (it's an assassin basically.)

And with this, the caspases bow, for the cell is separated within these small little 'blebs' (they look like bubbles) and the cell is destroyed.

OH AND LAST LITTLE THING!

If something inhibits the caspases, the cell goes through with necrosis, which is basically instead of becoming little bubbles, the cell membrane ruptures and the cell 'guts spill out'

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE ASK!! <3 <3 I got to blabber about caspases and it gave me happy sparkles.

ALSO, here's the doll I made for caspase 3:

[werebutch]

@eucyon Oh my god tumblr ate your ask I’m so lucky I screenshotted. So mad I have to type again . Thank you so much for dis question it’s so fun and made me really think to be honest ^__^ ILYSMMMM this is long but it’s too fun

This is Lynx’s most popular album, Conspiracy Theories. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to have a pic of lynx as the cover even if it’s silly. I really like rabbit imagery in music anyways though so I think it’s nice. I was inspired by Alice In Chains album covers and also fleshwater’s ‘we’re not here to be loved’. I tried to find a way to make it more 'gritty' but I couldn’t unfortunately 😭 I like how the title looks, like they just got a label maker and smacked it on..heheh

I imagine that this album is about relationship anxiety, betrayal, resentment, anti social tendencies, infidelity, and aliens. Probably not little green men, maybe more like the thing kind of fleshy imagery. Definitely appealing to atlas and scotch in different ways. Tool’s Undertow is a good example (off the top of my head..) of the sound I’m thinking of, so… prog? Or at least heavily inspired. I’m bad with genres heheh

im currently trying to either become okay with roadkill's name, or decide on a new one.. so im not making any album covers for them yet lol but i will post when i do..

I think roadkill would take a lot of inspo from their fave band so their style is probably heavily influenced by Lynx. Scotch adds a lot of sampling, distortion, whatever..idk I don’t make music.. and atlas is a big fan of slow tempo and bass. think its important to note that atlas doesnt play bass like a bassist in this album, he plays it more like a guitarist. kind of. hope that makes sense. I’ve always been really torn about roadkill’s genre, it’s been everywhere and tends to change. scotch and atlas’ styles would be vastly different if they were solo, so I think that’s why i am so indecisive . I think I just have to keep reminding myself that they’re in a band together, so styles would be mixed.

A part of me is like.. I think roadkill’s first album would be reminiscent of faith no more’s ‘the real thing’, or even some of Primus' stuff in some sense, plus similarities to Lynx and influences of industrial. i know thats a lot of random descriptions. I kinda think of (here’s a goofy genre for ya) sludge metal bands’ instrumental style, not necessarily vocal style... its hard to describe a band that doesnt exist. LMFAO

right now im thinking about 'the pot' by tool as a close example of roadkill.. im having a hard time finding artists that match scotch's vocal range even remotely. also doesnt help that the bands im basing this off of like tool and FNM dont exactly...fit into genres very neatly. roadkill and lynx wouldnt either. HAH. i just know it wouldnt be that high quality but definitely obvious theres a lot of passion in it. i mean this is just an album made by guys who dontknow what theyre doing. like at all. lol

Roadkill’s sound changes quite a bit their next album when seraph is involved. It becomes a lot more ummmm I guess palatable to more people? I don’t exactly know what I mean by that. Ok. LOL. I’ll think about it.. but this is around when Scotch realizes he wants this to be his job. Having Seraph helps A LOT with building a more dedicated and bigger audience, since they’re the one most willing to make changes. Plus they’re in art school, I feel like they’d have connections. So I guess roadkill would sell out in a way.

if you asked me this question a year ago i would have had a completely different answer. i wouldve probably said roadkill is pop punk or garage rock or something. i have trouble fitting scotch and atlas into a genre together. it fits scotch just fine and i think he would enjoy it, but its not roadkill.. also ive been thinking of stylizing roadkill as rdkill.. lmk wat u think.. im unsure about the name is generalHAHA. i know this is a lot so dont feel pressured to reply to everything LMAO im just thinking out loud. and drawing connections between genres that completely do not make sense. peace and LOVE<3

[urfavisapermaregressor]

Hi !! Just a few questions as someone who's suspecting that they're a permaregressor.

1. How'd you figure out you were one?

2. when/how old bodily were you when you did?

3. Is there a limit on body age and believing you're a permaregressor?

4. Would it be okay for someone to believe they're a permaregressor, but find out in future that they weren't? (Just incase)

I send my thanks in advance, and hope this ask finds you well

1. well i think for someone to find out they are a permaregressor you would just need to know/identify with the term. i know for me personally ever since i turned 15/16 i just felt stuck at that age mentally, and even when i was younger than that my parents and some teachers would say i was immature for my age and it really messed with me because i did nothing but be myself yet all these people looked down on me for being "immature" for seemingly no reason.

i have never been interested in typical things people my age should have been interested in. when i was a kid i hated live action shows and just wanted to watch cartoons. when i was 13 all my friends were just obsessed with boys and loved drama but i just wanted to listen to musicals and watch anime lol. they thought i was crazyyyy

and even to this day, it's the same. i feel so insanely disconnected from my peers and ive described it as "i feel like i missed a class on how to grow up. everybody else attended." i also have just been stunted mentally due to trauma and abuse as well, so that's a factor too.

but i found the term permaregression last year while looking for discussion of a fictional character. the character is a canon age regressor and i was shocked to see nobody talking about it. she is regressed due to trauma and sadly, her trauma was used as a joke in her source. but it said she was "permanently regressed to 2 years old" after she expierence something traumatic.

she even has a whole story arc where she regresses to a 5-6 year old girl and cries when she is told she's actually 19 and i heavily related to it. so i looked her name up + agere to find literally nothing except one post saying she was a canon permaregressor. i had never heard of what a permaregressor was so i clicked the link to the original post and was like "oh wow this makes my life make a lot of sense actually" and the more i read the more i realized i was one. so that's how i realized i was a permaregressor.

prior to finding the term, i always felt like i was never fully not regressed if that makes sense. like i figured out that i regressed to ages 4-9 but when i wasn't regressed i still felt like i was regressed. and when i found out about permare it made everything make sense.

kind of a silly story but lmao

2. i was 18

3. i mean i don't think so, i wouldn't tell someone they aren't a permaregressor just based off their age because it can happen at any age

4. yes, i used to think i was bi but the whole time i was actually a lesbian. labels are allowed to change and they're allowed to be wrong, it's okay if that's the case. you don't know what you don't know.

you can identify with permaregression, its terms, and the struggles of being one and not be a permaregressor. i've seen some people also use the term permakid or just identify with agere but not permaregression. it just depends on the person

i hope i could help!

[saint-bia]

was my gender a choice?

i guess in some way it was. but, on the other hand, my gender is choosing to not label my gender. i chose not to put myself into the box of “boy” or “girl” or even “nonbinary”- because truthfully, that too is its own box. “gender apathy” is barely a label to me, it’s really just how i feel.

before i continue i want to say that IT IS OKAY IF YOU USE LABELS! my intent is not even in the slightest to shame people who are comfortable with giving themselves labels. more power to you if you do! but they just don’t work for me :)

it was my choice to not limit myself. i thought i was a transgender male for the past 4 years and it made me very sad to think i was born wrong. this isn’t to say that all transgender people are just confused- that’s a disgusting statement to make. speaking from solely my experience, i was lost and i didn’t know that i could simply not care about gender. i always knew there was something different about my gender identity. when i was little, i never fit in with the girls, much less the guys. i liked traditionally masculine things and i liked to make a point of that, but i also liked to expressive myself in girlier ways from time to time.

my sex is female and i have made peace with that. i have no desire anymore to change my body physically. i misinterpreted the feeling i had as wanting to be a boy. because of this, i don’t feel as though i identify as transgender. gender and sex are different in the way that sex is on the outside and gender is on the inside. since i am apathetic towards my gender- i don’t feel any gender in particular- i don’t feel opposed to my biological sex. i haven’t changed from one thing to another, really.

if i had known about the concept of gender apathy when i was little, i wouldn’t have spent four years being so upset trying to decipher my feelings as one label or another. i’ve been a lot happier since i realized that i’m not “supposed” to be anything. i think i know that this feels right because this doesn’t feel like a shiny new identity- it feels so familiar because it’s how i’ve felt my whole life. still, this revelation feels so freeing.

“what gender are you?” is a question that really doesn’t tell much about myself. i’m just me.

for those questioning their genders, or those who feel different from all the boys and girls but can’t explain it- you don’t have to figure anything out, especially not immediately. you have your whole life ahead of you, there’s plenty of time! you can try out pronouns and all that. you’ll know what feels right when the time comes <3

[voidcataro]

how do i know if im trans?

first of all, if you're currently questioning your gender, or even tentatively considering poking it with a stick, congratulations!! welcome to the world of 5D gender chess, we've got a broad and nuanced range of excellent genders to choose from, or feel free to make your own <3

with that out of the way, here's a secret: the first step to figuring out your gender... is Not Knowing. you may find yourself spending a lot of time on this step.. that's normal. it's frustrating for a lot of us, because we want answers right away, but the truth about gender is there's no right or wrong way to do it, and there's no secret indicator bound to the very essence of your soul with your One True Gender written on it. gender is a made up concept that shapes our lives and its implementation is pretty much entirely subjective. some people have an easier time figuring out what they want out of gender than others, and that's okay.

but how do i know what i want? you might ask. if you ask most cis people how they know what their gender is they'll probably tell you they "just know". that's not really helpful though, especially if you suspect your gender might be a little spicier than your typical 'male' or 'female' options. for me, questioning my gender was a little bit like being introduced to an extensive menu of diverse food choices after eating pretty much the same simple meal every day of my life. as soon as i realized there was something else, i never wanted to go back; but i didn't know what i'd like best, either. the only way for me to get a feel for what i wanted was to try things that looked good. this advice likely won't work for absolutely everyone, but it's a decent starting place for just about anyone. pay attention to gender presentations, labels, pronouns etc. that interest you, and try them out. it's okay to go through and taste a little of everything in a short time before deciding on something to explore more deeply; it's okay to spend a lot of time savoring something only to change your mind and go for something completely different later; follow what feels natural to you, and don't worry about getting it right the first time. you'll always have room to change your mind later and try something different.

to extend the food metaphor a little bit, it's important to remember that there's more than one way to prepare a particular food. some people can only enjoy vegetables prepared a certain way, for instance. there's many ways to view and inhabit a given gender. the first couple times i tried out being male felt.. almost right, but there was something off about the experience that made me shy away from it several times before i found a kind of masculinity i'm comfortable and happy in. if you find yourself coming back to a particular gender more than once but can't seem to make it fit, i recommend exploring queer and nonconforming flavors to see if you like any of those better. i have a trans woman friend who's very tomboyish and will never ever wear a skirt, and another friend who's the strongest butchest bravest person i've ever met and everything about her makes way more sense since she came out to me as a woman. i wasn't happy with my own gender until i realized that i could be soft and gentle and vulnerable and silly and not be any less strong or any less masculine for it.

it's important to note here that you're not obligated to choose only one gender, either. the food metaphor works here too: lots of people prefer to keep their meals simple and consistent, or have a particular staple they always come back to, but it's normal and common to switch things up now and then. sometimes for a special occasion, sometimes Just Because, but most people's genders aren't truly static. there's a lot of nuance and give to every gender. there's infinite ways to make a sandwich, and people can argue in endless circles about the true ontological distinction between a sandwich and a salad, but at the end of the day it's nobody's business but yours what shape your daily nourishment comes in.

a note on safety: while recent legalization of gay marriage in the US and proliferation of queer spaces on the internet has created a lot of opportunity for queer people to find accepting communities, it's still by and large a huge social risk to be out as trans in irl spaces, especially in conservative rural areas and many religious spaces. it is vital to protect your own safety and the safety of your queer friends in spaces that have not demonstrated genuine acceptance of and solidarity to queer identities, so be mindful of what information you share and with whom. on a lighter note, it's difficult to try out varying gender presentations and pronouns etc. without a supportive social circle to reflect your presentation back at you and allow you to experiment with being seen as a different gender. after all, gender is a social construct; it's an important aspect of relating to other people, so it's all but impossible to explore in a vacuum.

last but not least: remember that you do not have to change yourself to fit your preferred gender. anyone with any set of traits can be any gender they like. it's not about what social role fits you best, it's not about your body, it's about how you interpret yourself and what interpretation makes you feel the most like yourself.

gender is your playground now; have fun, try new things, and eventually you will find yourself knowing what you like and what you want. and it's normal and fine if what you want changes from time to time; change is a natural part of life.