#but like. it’s like. fine. he’ll be down to bone when he’s done being depressed

[soup-scope]

E’Laetum and Min’Ara watching the child of land and the star child go to pound town instead of doing their actual mission

[silverhallow]

Part 1 of 4 requests from An Anon in my Inbox...

The Story of Us looks a lot like a Tragedy now

The Story of Sophie and Benedict's first fight:

Their first fight…

How it had taken this long when they knew couples who fought regularly Benedict would never know… but all he knew was this was his fault.

He should have listened to her, he should have believed her and not thrown jealousy in her face.

It was petty and stupid and idiotic and why he was standing in the rain, soaked to the bone banging on her door to beg for her forgiveness.

He should have seen the signs. 

Sophie had not liked Tessa when she’d come to Oxford not before Christmas, Benedict and Henry had taken Sophie and Peter out with their course mates and Sophie didn’t like the way she’d been staring at Benedict. The way she watched him and glared at her whenever they were holding hands, giggling together… and when she’d heard her in the toilets, “it’s just a childhood thing… fanciful… he’ll want a real woman…”

Sophie wanted to scream and punch the girl but she knew in her heart that Benedict loved her and they were soulmates and so she didn’t think too much about it at the time…

But after Christmas, Benedict cancelled coming to visit her for the weekend saying he had some work to do on a project, Sophie had been in the room whilst Peter was on Skype with Henry and seen that Tessa was there in the background, her and Benedict talking about something in the background so Sophie had left the room and called her boyfriend.

He’d said he was working on his partner project, when Sophie asked who he was working with, he’d hesitated before telling her that Tessa had asked him before he could pair with Henry and he’d agreed.

Sophie had been upset that he’d not told her and she told him of what she overheard “We’re friends Soph, that’s all. I love you. It’s you I want to be with”

“Not enough to be here this weekend though” she’d huffed.

“Fee, it’s not like that… I want to be there but this has to be handed in next week and Tess had things on next week so it had to be this weekend” he explained “I promise I will be there next weekend instead, I promise”

Sophie had believed him, she’d let it go, she knew how important it was to get their work done and she wanted to encourage him with his course and his work so she’d let it go…

But then the weekend had come and Benedict had called her on Friday morning, apologising but saying that Tessa’s work had been destroyed when her flat had been broken into and she had to get some of the work done or risk being kicked off the course…

Sophie wasn’t buying it but she had no proof, she’d have suggested she’d come to Oxford and help but she had some work that she could get done herself.

So she’d let it pass… again…

And then again three weeks later, things had been fine when she had come down to visit him but when it was his turn… he’d cancelled again and Sophie was hurt.

“Ben, that's four times you cancelled on me! I’m surprised you even bothered to let me come over last week but oh that’s right Tessa was AWAY! What is it this time? Tessa’s broken a nail… Tessa needs a kidney…” she’d cried at him down the phone “Peter is coming to Oxford, we were supposed to have this place to ourselves. Lily is going on a date with Roger so we had the place to ourselves!! But nooo your new girlfriend needs you so you’re cancelling on me!”

“She’s not my girlfriend Soph, you are. She’s just a friend. That is all. She knows I’ve got a girlfriend. She knows I love you”

“Do you? Because it doesn’t feel like that at the moment! You spend more time with Tessa than you do me!” Sophie sobbed down the phone.

“No, that's not true. I do Soph. I love you. I do! You're just being jealous that someone is showing me attention and wants to be friends with me! It is nothing and you’re just jealous! I’m just trying to be a friend! She’s depressed… I was trying to be a good friend. Like you are to your friends…”

“There is being a good friend and being a lousy boyfriend!” she snapped “Tessa doesn’t want to be your friend. She’s driving you away from me, stopping you from coming to see me! She wants you Benedict! You’re the only one who is too blind to see it! But fine! Go be with her! Don’t bother coming next weekend.”

“But it’s valentines…”

“Don’t” Sophie said, hanging up with a loud sob.

“Everything alright?” came a voice from the door, Henry leaning against the doorway looking at his friend.

“No idea… Sophie's just pissed at me…”

“Because you cancelled on her for Tessa again… what was the excuse this time” Henry asked.

“Sick grandparents…” Benedict said feeling a little guilty. “But it’s what Sophie would do…”

“Not if it meant neglecting you Ben… she’s always put you first… always. You used to do the same for her… do you want to be with Tessa? Because I know for fact she’s desperately trying to get into your pants…”

“We’re friends Hen, that’s all… friends… she doesn’t want me and I do not want her… I want Sophie but I don’t want to lose my friends…”

“Friends don’t make you cancel 4 times on your girlfriend… just saying…” Henry said “you need to think… because if you’re not careful, Sophie’s not going to stick around and play second fiddle much longer and I don’t blame her mate… if she dumps you then it's on your head…” he said as he walked away.

Benedict was torn, he wanted to just leave, jump in his car and drive to Sophie, to reassure her that everything was fine, that he loved her and that he wanted to be with her and only her.

He hated himself at that moment, he hated that he’d made her cry when he promised to look after her. To love her…

But he wanted to be a good friend as well, that was all he was with Tessa and he didn’t even find her that attractive.

He figured he’d speak to Tessa this afternoon whilst Henry and Peter were out, tell her that they would never be more than just friends, that she was only ever going to be a friend but that she needed to find someone else to depend on and not just him as he had to go to Sophie, he had Sophie and she was his priority.

He’d texted her and told her to come over later on as he was trying to sort things out with Sophie, that she was mad at him but didn’t elaborate on why…

He’d tried calling her, he’d tried calling Lily and Peter had arrived and just told him that she was really upset and hurt and that it was going to take more than just a phone call to fix this…

Benedict had decided that he would drive to Cambridge tomorrow, he’d go see her tomorrow and apologise to her face and explain that she was and will always be his first priority.

Those plans changed slightly when Tessa arrived however, it was a bit earlier than he was anticipating and when he opened the door he dropped the sandwich he was in the middle of eating.

Tessa had turned up in nothing but a trenchcoat and some lazy underwear, something Sophie had done for him once before and it had been the best afternoon of his life…

But this…

This was not what he wanted, nor did he want to see it.

“T…tes….tessa… what?” he stammered

“I thought… maybe you’d like to experience a real woman… since your little girlfriend is giving you the cold shoulder”

“I… no…” Benedict said shaking his head “she’s giving me the cold shoulder because she thought you were doing all this… i thought she was making it up! That it was all in her head, that she was just jealous but she’s been right all along!”

“Maybe but come on… she’s half way across the country, I am right here! Everything I've done… I just want you! Have me… I'm yours for the taking…”

“Fuck no. she might be half way across the country as you say. She could be in another country but that won’t change how I feel about her! She is my girlfriend, the woman I love, the woman I've loved since I was 15… she’s the one I am going to spend the rest of my life with… I am not going to risk that over some little fling… what I have with Sophie is more than you’ll ever dream… she’s everything i’ve ever wanted and will ever need…” Benedict said as everything clicked into place and he knew what he needed to do.

“I’ve… i’ve got to go…” he said shutting the door on Tessa and running back to his room, he knew he had to go to Sophie and fix this. She had been right and he had been an arse not listening to her.

He felt bad for Tessa but he was furious that she’d been taking advantage of him. He saw that now. He hated that he hadn’t listened to Henry or Sophie… Sophie had never lied to him. He should have believed her.

He swore loudly as he threw his clothes into a bag, this was going to take some grovelling and he knew he deserved it.

This was his fault, they had fallen out because he’d been so blind… never again.

He threw everything into his car and not caring that it was starting to rain, he set off.

The two hour drive from Oxford to Cambridge gave him plenty of time to think, to work out what he was going to say but he knew there was nothing that he could plan. It had to come from the heart.

He left his things in the car as he pulled up outside of her accommodation, he knew the security guards on the car park, and he knew that his things would be safe. It didn’t matter that it was pouring down with rain, he didn’t want Sophie to think he assumed she was going to let him in, to let him stay… he had hope but he knew that he had to earn that right.

Over the years he had put his big foot in his mouth more times than he could care to admit, care to think about… he had hurt her but he’d always found the words to help her forgive him but this time it was different.

Back then it was just him being an idiot and they were just friends but now… there was more to it than that.

They loved one another, they were a team… they were soulmates…

He should have believed her and never neglected her like this. If this ever got back to Kate, to his mother or his sister’s… they would likely have his balls…

If Sophie didn’t take them first and he had to admit, that she would be well within her rights to take them.

He glanced around the car park to make sure Sophie’s car was there, to make sure she’d not gone home for the weekend instead and when he saw her little car still there he breathed a sigh of relief.

By the time he made it out of the car park he was soaked to the bone and cursing himself for not remembering his umbrella but this was his penance.

Standing and apologising to his girlfriend in the rain, was his repentance.

He ran across the campus, he didn’t want to leave it any longer, he didn’t want to risk wasting any more time. Each second wasted was another where she would be wondering what he was up to, if Tessa had managed to have her way…

After everything that Sophie had been through, with everything that had happened in school, he felt even worse that she was having these thoughts again and it was his fault.

You could have wrung him out and filled a bathtub by the time he reached the front door of her halls and he banged hard on the door.

He didn’t hear anything but he could see a light on so he banged harder again “Sophie! It’s me! Open up! I know you’re in… Please… Please” he pleaded at the door.

He heard a noise inside and the light went off “Sophie i know you’re there… please… please! I was wrong… I was a blind fool and I should have believed you. You were right! You were totally right!! Please Fee… just… open the door… you don’t even have to let me in! I just don’t want to do this to your door… please please!!!” he begged.

The door opened and the sight of his girlfriend, her red puffy eyes, the sadness on her face nearly broke his heart “I’m so sorry Sophie. I should have listened to you. You were right… you were right… I… I just… I was blind to what was going on and was trying to be a friend… but she wanted… what I wasn’t prepared to give her… You are all I've ever wanted. You’re all I ever want… I am just so sorry”

“What made you realise I was telling the truth?” Sophie sniffed, her green eyes cold.

“She turned up in a trenchcoat and god knows how little else, offered herself to me… i rejected her, shut the door, packed my things and came straight here… to apologise. I was already realising that I'd been a dickhead and I was planning to come tomorrow after talking to her… Henry was telling me I was being a dick, I guess I was pleased someone outside of the group saw me as a friend, or so I thought. I think… i was just a bit jealous of you… you’ve got Lily… someone who isn’t in our friendship group from home… someone new… in the two years i’ve been at Uni, i’ve got classmates but no one else who is really a friend.” Benedict explained, realising now, the truth of it all.

“She… she…” Sophie said feeling sick

“I didn’t look, I don’t want to look. I never saw her that way, i’ve never wanted to see her that way… she was only ever a friend to me and that’s why I couldn’t see what you were telling me. She was only ever a friend… and now… after trying what she tried… I want nothing to do with her. You are everything to me Soph and i am sorry that I fucked that up. That I pushed you away and didn’t believe you. I just… I wanted to tell you. I wanted to come and tell you that i’m sorry… that I know I fucked up… i don’t expect you to forgive me straight away, i just… I didn’t want to apologise over the phone and I didn’t want to leave it… so i’ll… i’ll go…” he said  “just… know… i love you Sophie… I will always love you.” he said before turning around.

He’d said his piece, it was down to her now.

“Ben, wait…” Sophie said when he got two steps down the path, the rain beating down on him again.

She’d listened to what he had to say, his apology and she could understand where he was coming from. 

She knew how much he wanted to be seen outside of his family, outside of their group of friends, and she knew how kind his heart truly was. The things he was prepared to do for his friends…

She remembered how he’d stood Gen up to come to his aid when her grandmother had had her heart attack, he’d do anything for a friend and if he truly thought Tessa a friend, he’d have done anything to help her and the conniving cow must have remembered Sophie telling some of the others in their class what he did for her.

She could see how much pain he was in and whilst she was hurting that he’d not believed her in the first instance and hadn’t believed Henry, he had come straight here to talk to her, to apology when he realised he was wrong and for that she couldn’t be too mad at him.

And he was soaked to the bone, “come in… just… let’s get you out of those wet things and we can talk properly” she said to him when he paused on the path.

“My things are in the car”

“And i’ve got things here that you left… and i stole” she smiled softly at him. “Come on, i’ll put the kettle on and you can have a shower, i’ll not forgive myself if you get a cold”

Benedict smiled at her weakly, he was cold, a cup of tea and a hot shower sounded like heaven right now and if she was prepared to talk to him then he had hope that he wasn’t about to lose her.

“Thank you” he said and he followed her into the apartment.

He trudged off to have a hot shower and Sophie had left a pair of his shorts and a hoodie at the door for him whilst she was in the kitchen putting the kettle on.

When he reappeared 20 minutes later he felt like a new man and as he took a sip of the tea he let out a happy sigh, “thanks, i did wonder where this hoodie had gone…”

“Well I can’t steal your Oxford hoodies and the orange one just reminds me of you… sorry its not really clean, i’d been sleeping in it…” she admitted

“Sleeping in it?”

“I’ve missed you” she said 

“I’m sorry Soph… I feel horrible for cancelling on you, even more than I did at the time knowing the reasons behind it were all fake, that she was trying to drive a wedge between us and it very nearly worked… but I swear Soph, it wasn’t because I wanted her… she’s nothing compared to you. I’ve never even considered her as anything more than a friend and now, to know she was prepared to do that to you… to us… i want nothing more to do with her and i’ll be making myself very clear when I get back to Uni. I want nothing to do with her and i’ll be asking Professor Morton for a new partner…” he said.

Sophie sighed “I don’t want you to lose friends because of me…”

“Soph, anyone who tries to get between me and you… they’re not my friend. Not when I spent most of my time talking about you, complaining about how much I miss you, you were always my muse and who I talk about, who I visualise in my work, when I paint landscapes I think of our future home, a place in the country, with a lake, a tree… a few dogs and kids running around… everything in my life is you… and if someone wants to be my friend, they need to accept that. I don’t want someone in my life if they can’t accept you as the biggest part of my life outside of my family… because one day, if you forgive me, you will be my family” he said passionately, his hand reaching out and placing it over hers and squeezing it.

“I know how hard it is for you for people to see you for who you are Ben but what if this happens again, you’ve got another two years of your course left… i’m here for a lot longer… i don’t want anything to come between us either but I tried to tell you and you didn’t listen… you called me jealous and that hurt…” Sophie explained.

“I know and it was stupid of me. It was immature of me, I just let my head get the better of me instead of listening to my heart… I’d seen Anthony say the same things to Kate when Tina was being nice to him and she thought Tina was flirting…”

“Tina was… she tried to kiss Anthony in front of Kate…”

“Really… fuck… I didn’t know about that… Ant didn’t tell me”

“Because he hated that Kate was right, you know what they are like… but we’re not them Ben. you’ve got female friends and i’ve never been jealous… other than Gen but that was because she had you and I wanted you… but friends… You’re friends with Lily, I trust you alone with Lily… same with Lucy, same with Alice… same with Annabeth who is on your course… but Tessa… no… i knew what she wanted, I told you what i heard her saying… and you dismissed me”

“I know I’m sorry. I should have believed you then, it would have saved so much heartache, I don’t like arguing with you, I never have… you’re my favourite person in the world Fee, I love you and i just… I wish I could take those few weeks back where I cancelled on you and I was a bad boyfriend… I want to make it up to you… if you’ll let me”

“Promise next time you’ll believe me?” Sophie asked with a sigh “and you’ll never call me jealous again after I’ve told you someone is hitting on you?”

“With all my heart. I swear on my grandmother’s grave… i’d rather lose my hands than fight with you like this…” he vowed.

“Very well, it’s valentine’s next week, you can make it up to me then…” she said with a small smile

“Well I could start making it up now… if… you’d like…”

“Well Kate does tell me Make Up sex is worth fighting over… but I was more thinking about all the missed weekends, I think you owe me a lot of romance and sweeping me off my feet after being a bad boyfriend for a few weeks…” she said coyly.

“That… I was already planning to do it but I shall make it even better… I promise… but for now… maybe we could test Kate’s theory…” he whispered hopefully.

“I think… that may be acceptable” she smiled as he walked over to her, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her softly.

All the love, the promises he had just made poured into the kiss, reassuring her that he’d not make the same mistakes again and they learned that yes, makeup sex is worth it but they’d much rather not fight in the first place…

[tache-noire]

Nullo terzo ramblings, shit gets graphic. mentions of bodily functions in a non-sexual context. obvious mentions of mutilation and scarring and such. drugging as well.

The healing process is a nightmare. Terzo has to be either restrained or sedated most of the time at first, and he's on heavy pain meds.

He has a catheter and bag (out of his control, he woke up with it) but adamantly refuses to use a bedpan.

Having to get up to walk to the toilet, even with help (from Secondo, or a ghoul if he’s busy), is the worst part. Every step pulls on the stitches. Sitting down hurts. But it's necessary apparently, to make sure everything heals well in a way that he can move and live with.

Terzo doesn't want to live with it at first. Hence the sedation and restraints. He's monitored 24/7 by a ghoul to make sure he doesn't hurt himself, after the first incident.

He gives up eventually. This is just how his life is now. He's probably over halfway through it anyway. His best years are already behind him. He's probably done enough to deserve this, the least of which being abandoning his clearly disturbed brother.

Every couple days at least, Secondo will pump him full of morphine so he can touch and fuck him without hurting him. It has the added benefit of making him easier to handle. Limp and grabby and sweet.

Once everything’s healed and the stitches are out, there’s a rotten kind of finality to the whole thing. It sends Terzo back into a very deep depression for a while. Somehow before then, it all still seemed like a bad dream. Now it’s real, and he has to live with it outside of this room. After all, there’s still appearances to keep up.

The story seems to be that he’d been quarantined with a rare illness that knocked out his immune system. Secondo, being the only viable candidate, supposedly donated bone to help him recover.

Terzo has to wear a packer in public now. People would notice, otherwise.

There’s still some sensation left in the remaining tissue around the urethra, but not nearly enough for him to get off. It’s just frustrating. The only way he can get off now is prostate stimulation. All that comes out anymore is essentially precum. It just kind of steadily oozes out when he’s aroused.

He can do it himself just fine, but it’s fucking lonely. And there’s only one person in the world now who can understand and love him. All according to plan.

He tries to ignore Secondo when they fuck, but it’s hard with his hands all over his body and his voice in his ear. 

Secondo likes to touch the scars and the little bit of erectile tissue that remains. It swells up just a little when Terzo is aroused. Sometimes he’ll lick and kiss it while he fingers him.

it’s a fucking miserable life :)

[astaroth1357]

Demon Brothers Comfort an MC with Depression

As somebody who struggles with and has seen others battle depression, I know that it manifests in everyone a little differently and what works for some may not for others. Unfortunately, there is no cure-all. But if you're like me and some relief can come from comfort/being comforted, no matter how you find it, then I hope this helps you too. Please remember there's always places and people who wish to help out. Try to practice self-love and stay safe out there.

Warnings: Themes of Depression, Angst

Lucifer

His reaction to stress is work. If he’s stressed out, then he’ll do more work. It’s not that he enjoys it, it just keeps his mind distracted and he’d rather things get done. So he can recognize when someone else does the same.

Cooking, cleaning, homework, or other chores, he’s seen the MC go around doing this and that throughout the House. At first he was thankful, his brothers so rarely clean up or look after themselves, but after a while things started to seem off…

They started working themselves to the bone. He could hear them up in the middle of night sweeping or washing dishes. It was almost like they had forgotten how to sleep at night...

One night, when he left his study to go make some coffee, he found them in the library scrubbing the floors. Their shoulders were trembling with hushed whimpers and choked sobs...

He made them put the sponge away, walked them back into his study, and sat them down despite their protests. They explained their condition to him there through tears they seemingly didn’t want to shed... They’d been unable to sleep in days and were using cleaning as a distraction...

His first instinct was to put them to bed, but if they already can’t sleep then that seemed insufficient… 

He ordered them to relax in the chair and played classical music as he made them some tea. He tried to calm them down as best he could and reassured them with quiet conversation and compliments to help them stop crying. When they eventually zonked out, he carried them back to bed then set to work.

Informed Diavolo the next day that the MC was having difficulties then sought out the best treatment the human world had to offer. He personally escorts the MC there for regular services. 

Would not hear a word of protest on this. If they didn’t want to go, then he would just have kidnap a therapist and bring the treatment to them.

He instructed his brothers remind the MC to relax sometimes and watch closely for signs of overworking. They could let the house fall to pieces for all he cares, just as long as they’re getting enough sleep and feeling better.

“This simply won’t do… But that’s alright. I’ll make sure things here are better for you.”

Mammon

He's been with MC the longest, he knows what's up by now. 

He wouldn't say they have mood swings but he's picked up on how their mood rises and falls over time. They may seem perfectly fine for a while, a week, sometimes two. Then suddenly it's as if they pull back...

They'll stay in their room longer, be a bit more quiet at the dinner table, or look spaced out all the time. Like they're there, but not really with him anymore…

At first he thought it was something he was doing but they’d always tell him he’s fine. Great even. So why did they keep pulling away…?

He got worried enough about it that he asked Solomon if it was just a human thing. He’s the one who told him what depression was and that the MC may have it.

Honestly, he can’t say that he gets it completely, but he takes it seriously. If it’s making the MC feel this bad then he’s got to try something, right?

He’s unsure of what to do, so he settles for just being there for them. Constantly. If he notices that they’re pulling back again, he’ll go to their room and just be there. Even if he’s only checking his phone while sitting next to them on the bed. 

He makes sure to remind them that since they’re his human he doesn’t like seeing them sad. If they need to talk, he’s got it. If they need a hug, he’s got that too. He won’t let them feel like they’re all alone as long as he’s around.

“Tsk, look… You know you’ve got me here, right? I ain’t goin’ leave ya…”

Leviathan 

Was pretty oblivious to it until he walked into their room one day to lend them a new manga and found them curled up, crying in bed.

Panicked right away because he thought they were hurt and almost called for Lucifer before they stopped him.

After they explained the situation and that sometimes the tears just happen, he felt awful for them. He’s not exactly an emotionally secure person himself so he could relate to feeling like your mind can be against you at times.

He offers them funny manga or shows them games that make him relaxed and happy. He takes their tastes into account and tries to craft them the best “feel good” media pack an otaku can ask for.

If they’re not an otaku like he is well… He doesn’t really know what makes normies feel better, but he’ll still try there too. He’s sure there’s probably some things on Akuzon that can help. Flowers? Candy? Do crystals work on them? He’s not very equipped, but he is trying.

Asks them over for a lot more anime/game nights because he thinks if he can get them distracted, then that’s a bit of relief in and of itself. Will try very hard to make them laugh when they’re together. Every little smile is a victory in his eyes.

“Okay, I brought this, and this, and this, oh and that too! It’s a good series. We can watch it together, okay?”

Satan

Sadness is sort of new to him. When you’ve been angry most of your life you end up not very familiar with other emotions, be they your own or other people’s...

He DID know about depression though. Or at least he knew what it was. He read about it in some human medical journals after the MC came to the Devildom, just to cover his bases.

When the MC started to show signs of having it, he was hesitant to say much at first because he didn’t think his place to do so.

He changed his mind after they began skipping classes. It started out pretty minor, they’d be late for class this week then maybe leave a little early the next… But soon it seemed like they couldn’t bring themselves to go at all. 

He knew this wasn’t a Belphie situation. The MC wasn’t lazy and they cared a good deal about their grades. If something was keeping them from making it to class, it had to be serious and he wanted to help.

He read enough on the subject to be able to approach it tactfully, then presented the MC with his findings. He tried to be gentle, but he was worried and when he’s worried he wants to get to the bottom of the problem as soon as possible.

When his suspicions were proven true, he did everything in his power to help them. He read up on the condition for days and asked them a lot of questions about how they doing, how they’re feeling, what makes them comfortable, etc.

He begun looking into what treatments were available/able to be smuggled down to the Devildom while still being discreet, if that’s what they wanted. His brothers didn’t need to know.

Checks up on them a lot in the meantime and tries to cheer them up if he can. He’s not the best at it face-to-face but he may send them gifs and pics of kittens doing kitten things. That usually helps him, so maybe it will help them too?

“Don’t worry, you can get through this. There’s a lot of options available. Here, let me show you what I’ve found...”

Asmodeus

Even the most beautiful people can feel depressed sometimes and Asmo knows that.

It started with him fussing over their appearance like he does with all his brothers, semi-playfully of course.

“MC, are you getting enough beauty sleep? MC, why don’t you do something more with your hair? MC, you could look cuter than that! MC? Are you listening...?”

It didn’t take long, though, for him to notice the dip in their self-care was getting steeper… And it wasn’t like them. They didn’t put as much pride in their appearance as he does (who can?) but they had a style. There was a way they liked to present themselves to other people. They just weren’t doing that anymore…

Something was wrong and he was sure of it.

When he invited the MC to his room that day, he didn’t have any ulterior motives for once. He wasn’t looking for a night of fun, only answers to soothe his concern. 

He had never been more gentle or considerate of their feelings than he was right then; coaxing but never prodding until finally they let him in wholeheartedly.

He held the MC as they cried, listened to every word they had to say, never interrupted or complained, and just brushed every tear away.

Makes it his mission to take care of the MC inside and out. Spa days become a regular occurrence where he will ask how they’re doing and let them vent whatever they need. If they don’t feel like talking, then he will take over and try to make them laugh with some embarrassing gossip about his brothers.

Wholeheartedly believes that one's mental health is entwined with one’s physical, so will make them feel the most beautiful and relaxed they ever have in hopes that it might soothe that emotional pain too.

“Go on, sweetheart, and let it all out… Don’t worry. I’m listening.”

Beelzebub 

His first tip off was the food. They weren't eating.

Beel's pretty perceptive to what food is around him at all times so he’s the first to notice MC's portions getting smaller… then their plates stay half full.

That worried him enough but when they started skipping meals all together he knew he needed to step in and find out what was wrong. Were they sick?

He gently cornered them one day in the kitchen when they went to grab some instant noodles. It was well past noon and that was the only thing he'd seen them eat since yesterday's breakfast. He knows they're never as hungry as he is, but that has to hurt them too, right?

When he asked about their appetite they wouldn't meet his eyes. They tried to tell him that they were fine but that wasn't going to fly. He called their bluff immediately.

He didn’t expect them to start crying... Honest.

He felt horrible and just pulled them into a hug while they let it out, rocking them gently like he does with Belphie when he’s upset.

When they explained to him what depression is and how they don’t feel like eating sometimes it makes him more worried than before. He honestly can’t process the idea of not being hungry for such long periods of time but it sounds bad for them surely…

From that day forward he keeps a close eye on their food intake. He’ll be the first to encourage them to eat and even offer his own food if they haven’t had any yet. If they’re looking a little down, he’ll offer them snacks from his comfort food stash.

He’s always down to be with them when they need it. No questions asked. If they just show up at his room or send him a text then he’ll be there. He doesn’t mind if they don’t feel like talking, he just hopes his presence helps somehow.

“Do you need me right now? Okay. I’ll order us a pizza but you have to eat some of it too, alright?”

Belphegor 

It’s not an unfamiliar feeling to him. He went through his own sad spells after Lilith died… Back then he coped with it through sleeping most of the day and being with Beel.

He started to notice that the MC was sleeping more. At first he was kind of happy because then they could nap together, but it started getting worse…

They’d sleep almost all day. Humans only need 8 hours but they’d go 14 or more… Not even he can stay in bed that long...

When they were awake they’d be quiet. They’d like to hold him but they weren’t telling him what was wrong…

After a while, he got so worried that he looked up what could be making them so sleepy. When he read about depression it all clicked in place for him, not just about them but about himself too.

One night, while they were having another afternoon nap/snuggle, he gently brought up the subject and they confirmed his suspicions.

What proceeded was a long conversation between the two where he admitted to sometimes feeling the same. They compared notes and thoughts, shared pain and scars, and talked about little things that might not mean much, but made them smile and feel happy to be in the world.

He made a deal with them to start staying up more if he did the same. He skipped class less often in order to wake up and go to school with them and stayed near them while they’re there just in case they started losing steam. 

He wouldn’t force them to do any schoolwork or anything, but he would try to keep them up and about by inviting them in on pranks or talking to them so they won’t fall asleep until a good time for it. He just wanted them to be happy and healthy.

Promised that no matter how long the day took, he’d still cuddle them to sleep at night.

“Hey, if I’m not sleeping then you aren’t either. Come on… We can do this together.”

[eyeless-cunt]

taking advantage of the fact that the request are open haha, how would the creepypastas react if they killed their s/o accidentally? thnks love, much love 4 u

you woke up and and chose enternal suffering

TW: Death of the reader, blood, gore, angst, depressive thoughts, hintings of panic attacks, mentions of suicide,....necrophilia....?, mentions of pills, paranoia, delusions :), ect.

Jeffery:

I'm Honestly not even sure how he could have accidentally killed you? He never takes you with him when he goes out to...do his things. He certainly never raised a knife towards you and he would never kill you out of anger. So how did this even happen?

He blacked out. He was just sitting with you, laughing about nothing important. That's all he can remember. So where are you? And whose blood is he covered in right now? It's brown and crumbly, signiling that it's been a good few hours since he came into contact with it. Where are you? He wants to see you, ask what happened. He never even noticed he was holding a knife washed in blood until he stood up, the object falling from his loose hand. Did he kill someone? When? Where? Where's the body? Where are you? Is this a dream? Where are you? He turns in circles, looking for a body. Where are you? He smells that familair scent in the air--that smell that arises from the corpses he mutilates. Where are you? He peeks behind a close by tree, expecting to see a random stranger of whom may have just been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Where are you?

THERE YOU ARE

Wobbiling legs, vacant eyes, a shaky hand outstretched towards an all too familar body. Why are you here? What's wrong with you? Shaky breaths, his heart that seems to stop for a whole few seconds--and suddenly—all too suddenly, the realization of what he's done hits him so hard he loses the feeling in his legs, falling beside your weeping corpse as you stare him in the eyes, filling him with a sense of glorified dread. The emotions that his brain can't seem to comprehend are flooding in all at once and far too fast, crippiling him with something that escaped him the night he killed his family. How did this happen? Why? What? Confusion and horror seeps into his bones and shoots him down, peircing his lungs in a way that leaves him gasping for air that he just can't seem to hold onto.

Jane:

She was just too obsessed. She went too far without looking around at her surroundings. Her hunt for Jeffery pushed her too hard. Before she knew it, she was standing over a body that she shouldn’t have been. As soon as she did it, her spiked anger flushed out of her system, a cold bucket of realization and horror washing over her. Immediately, apologies spew out of her mouth from behind her mask. She hurt her s/o out of pure anger of which she didn’t try hard enough to control. She’s so sure that you’ve just been knocked unconscious—she’s positive that your bleeding head wound isn’t fatal. No, you’ll be fine. Huh? Where’s your pulse? What?

Her nerves flare up, horror spiking back up again; as if it never went down in the first place. She’s not a delusional idiot. She doesn’t try to shake you awake. She won’t call out for you, expecting a response. Jane doesn’t pray to a dead god in the hope that you’ll awaken and smile at her, saying that you forgive her. That you know it was an accident. That you still love her. No. What she does is bury your body. She reflects the blame onto someone else. Jeffery. You were arguing with her about her continuous hunt for him. You told her that you wanted her to stop—you wanted her to forget. Jeffery caused this. He was the subject of the argument. He’s taken yet another person from her.

BEN:

How did this happen to him? To you? He should have been more careful. He should have known this would happen sooner or later. He should have stayed away from you. Why was he like this? Of course this happened to him, to you; the person he loved most. It was fine. It was alright. You were having fun. He was so happy just to be able to spend time with you. Why would he let you put in the plug? So close to him? He naturally collects electricity. He knows that. So why would he let himself stand so close to you as you plugged in the controller.

A lapse in judgement. He forgot. He was too focused on the way you looked today. You had only woken up an hour ago, a messy appearance still making his dead heart race. That’s no excuse. How did this happen to him? He knows how. So why can’t he feel anything? Why can’t he move his limbs? Why does he feel worse now than he had when he was drowning at the bottom of a lake? Why is he feeling like that but also simultaneously feeling nothing at the same time? Did he break? Yeah. Staring down at this body, he starts to think he might have broke. He might have just died again. He wants to die again. Please let him die again.

EJ:

He was careful with you for years. He had to be. He could break a hand just by holding it so easily. He could lose to his cravings and sink his teeth into your neck at any time. He could rip your head off with no effort at all if he were to brush your hair with anything other than small, fleeting and gentle touches. So how did this happen? He’s always been so careful. His eating schedule always revolved around you. He would have to leave for a few days so he could eat away from you, so he usually held off on leaving for months if he could.

He knew he shouldn’t have. Spending more time with you at the cost of your own life wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t logical. If the hunger got too persistent he could go feral, accidentally killing you in the process. It wasn’t logical. He knew it wasn’t logical to stay with you longer if he was hungry. So why did he do it? How could he let this happen? The cold realization that he really did lose control hits him, the feeling in his limbs quickly leaving. Static. That’s all he could feel. Numb static. You’re everywhere. He wasn’t careful enough. He lost out to his feelings for the first time in hundreds of years. And you paid the price. It was his fault. It’s his fault. It’s his fault. HE DID THIS TO YOU.

He can’t function. The control he’s been holding over himself for a good thousand years breaks. He regresses back into what he was before he gained control. He no longer wants to have control if it leads to him falling in love with someone only to kill them later when he loses it again.

LJ:

He can’t even remember how this happened. The trauma blocking the horrible memories works fast. All he knows is that you’re leaking blood all over a table he doesn’t remember being here yesterday. All he knows is that you’re dead and he did this. He did this. No. No he didn’t. He didn’t. He wouldn’t. He would never hurt you. Who did this? He didn’t. Events take a morbid turn when his abandonment issues take a turn for the worse.

He won’t let the body go. Your body. He won’t let you leave him. So he holds you forever, just like he promised you he would when you first met all those years ago. He holds you through the decomposition process, he holds you until you’re only scattered bones. He holds you until your bones are dust and you’ve been gone longer than he can remember. He says to not worry. He likes holding you. He’ll hold you like this forever. Don’t worry. He’s sure you were so scared. Don’t worry. He’s got you. Don’t worry.

Masky:

He ran out of pills at the worst possible time. The paranoia hit him all at once, making him tape the windows and glue them shut, block the door, place a camera in all the doorways. He keeps seeing things. He keeps seeing the tall man in the darkest corner of his room. He needs more pills. But he can’t leave or the tall man will get him. He’s sure of it.

You just chose the wrong time to come over. You couldn’t have known. He didn’t even realize it was you. It was so dark. The pipe in his hand was slick with sweat. All too suddenly you’re on the floor bleeding out and his chest is heaving, air seemingly desperate to avoid him. The lights get turned on. Huh? Why are you—why? Why are you on the floor? Where is that blood coming from...? Like coffee to a drunk person, the sight of your bleeding out form sobers him—paranoia and hallucinatory visions seeping out of his veins. An almost unparalleled confusion makes him back away from you, making him trip over his steps. He can’t grasp what’s exactly happening at the moment. It takes him a few minutes to realize that his s/o is indeed bleeding out on his floor—and by then it’s far too late. He’s incompetent. His incompetency was the cause of your death. His cowardice. He was so weak it ended your life. That’s how he sees it.

Hoodie:

He can’t even believe he let you get into this situation with him. He was supposed to protect you. He was supposed to be strong enough—stable enough, to protect you. He was supposed to be able to keep his sanity so that he could keep you safe. He took his pills. He stayed away from the woods when he was with you. He stayed in public places with you, and never met at night. He always had a tape recording—so how did it go so wrong? He tried so hard. He tried so fucking hard to keep you safe. So fucking hard.

He thought it was okay to take a short walk with you. You weren’t even close to the woods, it was still a semi-public place. No one was out, and while that made him uneasy, he didn’t question it. He should have. He should have grabbed your hand and taken you to fucking McDonalds or some shit. Maybe a nice stroll through Walmart. Just not here. Not alone and outside. He put you in this situation. It was his fault. He didn’t mean it. He’s never been angrier in his whole existence. He doesn’t worry, he doesn’t fear. Hoodie isn’t scared of anything. But looking down at a corpse that once belonged to you, he finds that he does indeed fear one thing. The end of your life.

Toby:

As far as he’s concerned you never died. What? What do you mean you’re holding a funeral? For who? What? What do you mean? My significant other is sitting right beside me? Is this a joke? It’s not very funny. Can you please stop calling me delusional? Hallucinating? What the fuck are you on? Do you want me set you on fire?

No. You never died. In fact, he’s looking at your smiling face right now. You’re like the sun. So bright it hurts, but so pretty. You’re telling him about your day, although he finds it odd that you’re talking about work again even though you’ve been sitting in this field with him all day. You’re a bit inconsistent and confused these days, but that’s okay. We’ll get through it together. Just like we always have. You promised, remember? Together forever, even through death. <3

[babbushka]

“I didn’t get soaked wet through walking to your house for you to say no to pizza. I have beer too. I know you’re sad, so let me in.”

This would be really fun with Flip or Clyde or a Kylo. Just soaked and grouchy about being soaked but wanting to cheer you up. Or even just have an impromptu date.

Thank you for doing sindays 💙

1.6k, Biker!Kylo AU cw: mild angst, emotional hurt/comfort (mental health, depression)

At first he thought you were angry with him, when he hadn’t heard from you. He tried to tell himself that you were probably just busy at first, but when his texts went unanswered, and his calls straight to voicemail, he started to panic, thinking that he had done something wrong. You weren’t one to give him the cold shoulder though, you had no problem telling him exactly when he had overstepped, when his words went from playful to mean -- it was one of the things he loves about you.

So for you to not answer your phone and at least tell him what the matter is, makes Kylo worry more than he usually does. Either he fucked up big time, or something happened to you. He’d much much rather it be the former than the latter, because, well. He doesn’t even know what he would do, if something were to have happened to you.

Kylo got so desperate that he began to hound your friends. Figuring that they must know something, he had rolled up to their houses unannounced, uninvited, on his big loud motorcycle, ready to beg for answers. And when they shrug flippantly and say things like “oh she gets like this sometimes when she’s sad, don’t worry it’ll pass”, Kylo can’t help but get angry on your behalf.

If there was one thing Kylo wasn’t going to do, was wait for it to pass.

Which is how he finds himself outside your apartment, in the pouring fucking rain, calling and calling and calling you, hoping that he can jostle you out of your funk long enough to answer him. He’s got his arms full with food and drinks, because he knows that when he’s said he sometimes forgets to eat, so he has to shove his phone between his massive shoulder and cheek, praying you’ll answer.

“Kylo I -- ”

“Sweets! Let me in, I’m outside.” He interrupts your attempts to shoo him away. He can hear it in your voice, that defeated exhausted sort of tone, and he makes a decision right then and there that he isn’t going to give up. He’s not going to let you suffer through another day inside your own head alone.

“No, Kylo, I’m sorry I’m not in the mood.” You try, but he’s not having it, not for one fucking second.

“Nononono,” He shakes his head even though you can’t see, he knows you can’t see because he’s staring up into your window and the light is turned on but you’re not peeking through the curtains the way you usually do. “Don’t hang up. I have food.”

“I’m fine.” You lie, but there’s a hiccuping sort of shuddering breath that you exhale that gives you away, “Please just go away, I’m not in a state to be seen by anyone.”

Kylo is about to say something, when a loud crack of thunder booms through the neighborhood, lightning pealing across the sky. He has to blink the raindrops away from his eyes from where they’re dripping down his furrowed brow, shielding the box of pizza against his chest, tucking it under his jacket so it doesn’t go soggy.

“Listen I didn’t get soaked through walking to your house for you to say no to pizza. I have beer too. I know you’re sad, so let me in.” He insists, a little more bossy than he normally is with you, but these aren’t normal circumstances.

“Give me a second to clean up?” Your voice finally sighs through the phone, and that’s a small victory that gets Kylo’s adrenaline pumping in his throat.

“No, let me in now. You don’t have to clean up for me.” He orders, knowing that you’ll just hang up and leave him out there, too embarrassed about the whole thing, so he has to remind you, “You’ve seen me looking like shit, it’s okay, I’m not going to judge you.”

You hang up the phone then, and he’s ready to curse loudly and find some way to scale the side of the fucking building, when the buzzer of the lock opens. Throwing a silent thanks to the sky, he pushes his way into the parlor of the brownstone, and then begins the three story walkup to your apartment unit, two steps at a time, careful not to slip.

He sees you waiting for him in the doorway when he makes it to your landing, and his heart just about breaks. You look like a fucking mess, like you haven’t been taking care of yourself for the past couple days. His heart clenches when he sees you’ve got one of his t-shirts on, one of the ones from the shop, First Order Mechanics splashed across your chest as the huge shirt dwarfs the rest of you.

Walking you back into your apartment, Kylo sets down the box of pizza and the 6-pack on the kitchen table, ignoring the mess of dishes in the sink, and immediately opens his arms to you.

“C’mere sweets.” He beckons, and like a moth to a flame, you practically throw yourself into his embrace, a sob somewhere between exhaustion and relief wrenching out of your chest as he kisses the top of your head, hands rubbing your back, “You’re okay, I’ve got you.”

“Sorry, I’m -- ” You hiccup as you shove your face into his neck, but he pinches your side lightly with a frown.

“No, you don’t fucking apologize to anyone, you got that?” His arms are tight around you, squeezing you and grounding you, “Just let me hold you.”

He’s wet, soaked to the fucking bone, but neither of you really care that much, until you start to shiver from the feeling of his clothes growing cold. Walking you through the apartment to the bedroom where he knows you’ve got a stash of his clothes, Kylo strips out of his dark t-shirt and jeans, and is about to reach into your dresser for something else to put on, when you stop him with a hand on his arm.

Kylo’s about to protest when he sees you taking your clothes off too, wanting to let you know he’s here to comfort you, not fuck you, but once you’re just as naked as he is, you walk back out into the living room.

Frowning in confusion, Kylo follows like the good boy that he is, and gets the hint when you lay down on the couch, patting the space next to you. The couch is really too small for the both of you to lay comfortably, because Kylo’s so fucking big, but he crams himself as close to you as possible, eventually settling down on his back and pulling you onto his chest.

Heartbeats moving in time together, you’re quiet for a long while. The television is turned on, something on Netflix is muted, flickering on the screen as the rain rumbles and pours outside. You both listen to the sound of the rain, as Kylo’s hands rub up and down your bare back, your naked bodies simply being close to one another, the intimacy and warmth of being human together enough to soothe your cries.

Kylo kisses the top of your head, tries to get your temples too, but the angle is awkward. You’re nestled against his chest, your chilled fingertips warming up as they trace patterns on his firm pecs. There’s no way for him to know how long you both lay there like that, and in the back of his mind, he thinks that the pizza must be getting cold.

All his thoughts go out the window though, when your shoulders start to shake, and he’s fearful that you’re crying again, until you prop yourself up a little to look at him, and you’ve got the hint of a smile on your lips. Resting your chin on your hands, peering up at him, Kylo can’t help but have the ghost of a smile too.

“What’s so funny?” Kylo whispers, his pointer finger tracing lightly up and down the bridge of your nose.

“I thought you were going to break up with me, when you saw me like this.” You bite at your lip, before ducking your head, feeling foolish.

“I thought you were going to break up with me.” Kylo admits with a chuckle of his own, “I thought I fucked something up.”

“Did you?” You raise a brow, and Kylo smiles a little wider at that, because you being playful like this is a good sign, even if a small one.

“I don’t think so.”

“No, you didn’t.” You promise him, kissing the divot between his pecs, the only spot you can reach for the moment.

Kylo lets out a deep sigh at that, any residual fears he may have had melting away.

“Is there anything I can do?” He whispers, feeling so out of his element, out of his depth. Usually when his brain starts playing tricks on him, he punches something until the feeling goes away, but, obviously that’s not how you handle things, and...well he just doesn’t want you to handle them alone.

“Just be here with me.” You reply, and that’s easy enough for Kylo, who only ever wants to be right beside you anyway.

“As long as you need.” He promises, kissing your forehead once again. “You can’t scare me away baby girl, don’t ever worry about that.”

He knows that things like this come without warning, and often overstay their welcome inside your head, but he hopes that he can prove to you, that you don’t have to hide that from him. He’s got his own demons that you’ve seen firsthand, that you’ve stayed with him through, and he’ll prove to you that he’ll stay with you through yours.

“Did you say you brought pizza?” You suddenly ask, and Kylo smiles with a nod, hoping that it’s still good, but knowing that it will be, because you’re together.

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Tagging some Kylo lovin' friends! @mochabucky @sacklerscumrag @artsymaddie @bitchydecisions @direnightshade @reyloaddict55 @thembohux @kylorenswhxre @sunflowersinthesnow @babayagakeanu @safarigirlsp @steeevienicks @materialisthicc @lovinghufflepuffgirl @hswritingrecs @han68000 @rosi3ba3z @chapterhappygirl @schopenhauerdeathsquad @loverofallthings @groovetoob @bxnnywriting @glassbxttless @angel-bxby3 @smallgirlbigpersonality @lovelyyy-luna @2000andwhat @raddo1975 @cornmousequeen @metsienmenninkainen @caillea @painttheskylineforme @holding-on-to-starwars @kylo-ren-is-alive @caitlin-was-here @icarusinthesea

[stellocchia]

This is part 2 of the comprehensive analysis of c!Tommy and c!Dream’s relationship during the Exile Arc

Part 1

So, initially I was thinking of making only one post with only the important quotes from this streams but... yeah, not saying what I think about stuff is not in my blood. So now I’m stuck with this and I’m determined to finish it!

Once again, it’s all about the characters from here on out and I will be mentioning serious themes of abuse and gaslighting, so keep that in mind.

We’re starting this one off with the second proper exile stream: Tommy Is Getting So Much Worse in Exile...

Mushroom Henry is introduced at the beginning of this vod. Initially Tommy doesn’t like him, believing him to be a poor replacement of the real Henry. He then goes towards Tnret and finds it compromised as Lazarbeam had planted some tnt under it the day before during a visit with Vikstar and Technoblade (now, how much of that visit was canon? No one knows! But the tnt part definitely was). Also to be noted that Tommy already stopped fighting back against mobs, which is already rather worrying. 

Anyway, this is the stream where Tommy makes an enderchest with Fundy and Ranboo, so I will only write down some of the most notable quotes, and keep it rather brief. It is to be noted that Tommy’s depression at this point had already gotten worse as in the Nether time and time again he avoids doing the haybell mlg instead taking the full fall damage, he defends himself less and he’s already expressing feelings of loneliness. Also, he is now on the first stage of the exile skin set.

“Because if we can’t stay motivated then- then we won’t have anything to do (...) we’re gonna work out how to Keep Doing Things and not... sit around crying” (he has the need to keep busy to stave off loneliness)

“Now everyone, if you should know, we’re gonna go bach and reclaim everything at some point and kill Dream” (talking to chat)

“Music! It’s like a person but they’re not here!” (about Chirp)

“This is like, you know when you fall over? Or you know- or you know when one of your pets die? At school? And then all of a sudden you’re at school and you’re upset and all the people who are usually assholes to you start being nice all of a sudden. This is that!” 

This was quite interesting, so I want to talk about it briefly: but this is Tommy’s general mentality. He sees anyone trying to help him or giving him things as just pity from people who don’t actually care nor necessarily even like him. Basically, he feels betrayed and alone and doesn’t actually think that any of this people could possibly care. This however doesn’t seem like a mentality that’s born from exile (since he’s had it since the very beginning of exile) and we don’t actually know where it generated from. Though it could possibly be from the fact that he always had to be very independent since he had to fight in quite a few wars and even take the leading position in the Pogtopia times.

Other note: this is when Ranboo starts leaving letters for Tommy (You can find Tommy and Ranboo's mail exchanges here). At the beginning the chest they used to exchange them was situated on the Nether side of the original portal, which was a ruined portal a bit further away from Tommy’s camp. Also Tommy dies in lava (not canonically) a ton of times in this one and Fundy every times gives him some of his stuff to pretend like nothing got burned (which was kinda adorable).

“Fundy why didn’t you come with me when I got exiled? I was meaning to ask you. ‘Cause no-one came with me” “No-one came with you because it was- *sigh* Tommy I don’t know! It was- it was a shock to all of us” “You could have came with- yeah, but you just let me go. You just let go on me Fundy” “And- and just leave L’Manburg to Tubbo himself? Like all alone?” “No he would have had like literally everyone else on this server” “Like who?” (I just found this exchange interesting)

“I don’t think you’ll like it but Dream is uh, kind of proud of Tubbo. He- he’s actually acknowledging L’Manburg as a new country now” (and this is what the other side of the manipulation looked like from the outside)

“Wait wait! I could talk to the narrator! Then I’d finally have a friend!” (proceeds to start talking to the narrator)

“No no no. No no no Ranboo. Stop- stop complaining. Stop being weird Ranboo. You should be honoured to have a friend that’s close enough that he shoots you” “I don’t think that’s a ‘friend’, I think that’s just an assassin” (Ranboo with the common sense)

“This is where I used to live and then Dream tore it down” “Why did Dream tear it down?” “*sigh* I don’t know”

"Look guys: this is the song of a female astronaut named Clara” (about Chirp)

The vod ends with Tommy and Ghostbur’s attempt at saving Lazarbeam from lava and Ghostbur gifting Tommy the “Your Tubbo” compass.

Moving on: Tommy Is So Lonely in Exile with Dream

This is actually the first stream where Tommy starts off drowning (and he actually dies, yet again, non canonically). Also Puffy gifts him some blue wool, 3 diamonds and his own Christmas tree, specifying that it’s not out of pity so he actually accepts the present. 

“We’ve got some things to do. I’m still feeling um... I’m not feeling I AM very very very alone. Just- just so- just lonely all of the time... which isn’t, you know? Isn’t okay. I don’t know why I was at the bottom of the ocean just holding a bone”

Now, a bit to unpack here. In real time by now it had been 3-4 days technically, but in rp it has been specified already multiple times that it had been quite a few days since Tommy got exiled and we don’t really have any reason to believe that he received any more visits then what we’ve seen. Which probably increased his loneliness. Also we don’t have an actual explaination for him waking up drowning, my best guess for it is a mix of him being suicidal and general depression making it hard to get any proper rest (which we know was the case for him since he did mention at one point that he “didn’t sleep anymore”) which could have caused him to start sleepwalking since both “not getting enough sleep” and “stress and anxiety” are listed as causes of it. Now the actual subconcious reason as to why he was going in the sea and letting himself drown is unknown but, again, he was suicidal while in exile.

Also “How to Sex 2″ got burned by Ghostbur, not volountarily of course, he just had it on him when he died in lava. 

“I’m too lonely to be angry now, alright? We got to appreciate all the friends that we can get” (about Lazarbeam bringing him a present)

“The compass is nice though! We’ve got a compass that always will point to Tubbo... not that- not that he’d care” (beginning of the doubts about his old friends)

“Tubbo has one too? [referring to the compass] Oh he’ll just- if he’s got one he’s just using it for show... he’s- I’ve accepted that he’s the president now and I’m just- I’m just that guy he had to exile to show how powerful he was” (again, doubts)

Also Tommy makes his first path to Logstedshire in this stream. He also takes a liking to Mushroom Henry here after figuring out he could produce mushroom soup, meaning he actually had a sustainable source of food instead of having to relay mostly on handouts. 

“Guys we need some more coal” *Dream joins the game* “...ooooooh no please don’t come and visit me. Please please please” (I’m leaving this here, I believe this reaction speaks for itself)

“Hey! I’m- I’m above right now by the pretty Christmas tree that there is here” “Why are you here?” “I’m visiting you!” “Last time you said that you ruined me” “I- How did I ruin you?” “*sigh* Hi Dream!” “Hello~” “What have you- what” “Where are you at?” “I’m just com- why are you here? Every time you’ve been here you’ve done something destructive” “I- I what- I haven’t done anything destructive... everything’s been fine! I haven’t destroyed anything”

At the time there were a lot of people who were hesitant at calling Dream’s manipulation “gaslighting”, as that is a precise type of manipulation, but this right here? This is an example of gaslighting. Dream destroyed everything Tommy had every time he visited him and they both know this, still what Dream is trying to do here is convince Tommy that that never happened to keep up his friendly facade. Just because he isn’t saying directly “you can’t trust what you remember” doesn’t mean that that’s not exactly what he is implying. To reiterate this point they meet up right after and Dream, once again, blows up Tommy’s armour and diamond sword: 

“Hello~ take your armour off” “Why should I take my armour off?” “Um, drop it down here” “No, no! I worked really hard to get this. No!” “Okay... you can get it again!” “No! See this is what I told you about, that you’re destructive to me” “Tommy I’m not destructive... but, listen, you gotta drop it” (...) “No, no! I’m a rebellious teenager. I don’t listen to green punks” *Dream hits Tommy with an axe* “*screams* Okay okay okay okay okay”

Again, Dream hitting Tommy in this case is portrayed as physical abuse. And then Dream goes back to acting as if nothing ever happened, going on to talk about his day, telling Tommy that he knows about the 2 compasses and telling him that Tubbo went over while Tommy wasn’t there and that he is free to visit Tommy, he just hasn’t done it yet (all of this are actually true, but the implication that Tubbo didn’t want to see Tommy obviously isn’t). 

“Dream, I think I’ve realized why no-one’s came to see me” “Why’s that?” “It’s because- it’s because there is not an easy way to get to me and I’m gonna make an easy way to get to me today” “I mean, if you boat here, it took me 2 minutes” “No no-one wants to use the boat, it’s too far- it’s too far for people” “Oh you know what Tommy? I’ll do you a favour”

This is when Dream moves Tommy’s portal. Now, one thing that I want to point out is that Dream had already intercepted Ranboo’s and Tommy’s first mail book (we know this because in Ranboo’s message at the beginning of this stream he said that the first one disappeared) so he probably knew that Ranboo was using the secrecy of the further away portal to communicate with Tommy undetected. Of course Dream can’t have that, though he probably didn’t account for Ranboo not giving up that easily.

“Well it’s very awkward considering you exiled me and- and have banished me from being around all of my friends and now are trying to side with me it’s kinda-” “Tommy what’d you mean from all your friends? I’m your friend!” “Yeah... yeah you are” “I am your friend Tommy~” “Yeah I- Yeeeeeah, Dream” (just to clarify: Tommy is not agreeing with Dream here, he is being sarcastic. Also Dream starts harping a bit more on this point from here on out)

“Oh I just witnessed another suicide...” (second time this happens, the first was in the last vod, and he stays staring at the lava for a moment)

Tommy once again trying to push Dream into lava (again similarly to how he did in the first proper exile stream) and Dream just goes along with it (mostly just to flex about how that can’t actually kill him). I consider this couple of times as the first times Tommy started lashing out in exile. 

“Health and safety is important Dream! *staring at lava* Is it though?” “Yes, yes it’s important Tommy. It’s not your time to die”

“And then you’re coming over here giving me shit and also burning my shit. You’re just- you’re just a monster” “I didn’t burn any of your shit” “You blew it up! You exploded it! Man you’re ruining my life...” “I blew it up, I didn’t burn it though” (because that makes all the difference of course...)

“Hey man I could jump and you’d be able to do nothing about it and I’d- I’d be done-zo” “I- I ask you please not to” “Okay” “I need you alive and well”

Now I found this interesting when first watching as well, but Dream really did spell it out for us that he actually needed Tommy, huh? Like, in retrospect, what Dream then intended to do in the Season 2 Finale seemed kind of obvious. Also after that They have a discussion about the enderchest, but Tommy gets to keep it. Also Ranboo appears at the portal, though Dream doesn’t manage to see who it is and Ranboo manages to escape before he sees (thanks in part to Tommy distracting Dream). Now I want to point out that, even if outwardly people had the permission to visit Tommy, the fact that everyone was so scared about Dream finding out about it talks volume about how clear that was. Also this is when Dream gives Tommy the general direction of Technoblade’s cabin.

“Look at us go... hey why don’t you just un-exile me, you know? You know?” “*laughs* Well I think that I- I- I think that maybe there is a possibility at least in the- in the future that you could- you could- you know? Get a visitor’s pass...” (notice that he only confirmed a possibility for a visitor’s pass, not for actually going back, Dream literally never meant for Tommy to go back permanently)

Lazarbeam arrives to visit Tommy at this point to gift him Far and a fire resistence potion.

“See I told you! It was because I didn’t have a bridge that nobody was coming to visit me Dream! It wasn’t because it was me” “Yeah it must be...”

“Hey Dream come and listen to this man! [talking about Far]” “I-I’m-” “Hey, promise you won’t- If I get a new disc you wouldn’t mind would you?” “No I wouldn’t” “Okay, come and listen. I trust you now, now we’ve bonded” (Is this the second time Tommy invites Dream to listen to a disc with him?)

At this point Dream pressures Lazarbeam to mug Tommy with him and the whole scene is just pretty weird, but it boils down to Dream blowing Tommy’s armour up (again), while also hitting him a bit more when he doesn’t immediately comply (basically making this humiliating and making Tommy understand that he is not any safer with someone else there). Though Tommy does end up lashing out and killing Lazarbeam (not canonically) and Dream destroys his enderchest in retaliation. After that Tommy does become more submissive, not wanting to get killed. Now I want to point out that that same day Dream had agreed that Tommy could keep his enderchest without any conditions to it, but, of course, Dream’s rules are constantly changing. Dream does leave after that for a bit.

“I put your enderchest back by the way Tommy” “Really?” “Yeah. I just wanted to prevent you from putting his armour in there so... that’s why I broke it” “Thank you! Thank you” “You’re welcome” 

Wanna know why this is bullshit? Tommy didn’t even try to go towards the enderchest when he had Lazarbeam’s armour and immediately gave it up at Dream’s request. This is just Dream giving Tommy a “reward” for being compliant after punishing him. Also pointing out the fact that Tommy felt compelled to thank Dream even if Dream was the one who caused the issue he just fixed in the first place. Also Connor arrives as well.

“Yeah you can’t move into my home Connor” “Well I mean, of course he can because it’s not your home because you’re not going back” “What do you mean I’m not going back?” “Well as I said maybe potentially you could get a visitors pass” (reiterating a point from the start)

“Tubbo- Tubbo said that! Tubbo said it [the server] looked so much better since Tommy left. And I was like ‘wait what?’ and he’s like: ‘yeah it could be a coincidence though but I don’t think so'” (you manipulative green bastard)

“I don’t know if you know this but I’ve been constructing a- a uh- a prison and it is ginormous so...” (I did not remember Dream mentioning the prison this early on)

Anyway, the stream ends with Dream stripping for primes and since I need it, I decided that that’s canon.

[ushidoux]

He, Hercules - Ushijima x Reader

Summary: What is Ushijima if not strong? (~2.0k words)

Warnings: accident, temporary disability, implied depression, some suggestive themes, hurt/comfort

A/N: I have limited experience with athletic injuries and mental illness so bear with me. If there is anything you find inaccurate or insensitive in my depiction, don’t hesitate to pm me! <3

---

“Mr. Ushijima?”

You perk up when you hear the secretary’s voice call out your husband’s name, only realizing now that in your long semi-long wait you’d ended up dozing off, resting your head against his shoulder. Clearly, you must have been exhausted, because it takes you a moment to remember where you are, and why you’re here.

There are very few others in this small office aside from the single middle-aged man in the corner who you realize is staring quite hard at you, and you wonder briefly if it’s because you somehow looked inappropriate or acted inappropriately while you were asleep. There shouldn’t be anything very noteworthy about a young couple inside a therapy practice.

You glance at Ushijima who is barely moving despite the fact that his name was just pronounced. He’s as still as a statue and his expression is neutral as is typical of him, but you still perceive the lack of intensity behind his eyes, a constant reminder that no matter how much he acts as though he’s fine, he’s not.

Why else would you be here in the first place?

You nudge him gently.

“Love, they called your name. It’s time for your session,” you whisper into his ear.

He had been staring off at a fixed point across from him, but he does still respond to your nudges. When he rises, it’s done slowly, and he walks besides you with a slight limp in his left leg. He doesn’t wince with any step but the arm you hold onto as you walk with him through the hallway down to the provider’s office is stiff. You wonder if he resents how clingy you’ve gotten since his injury, handling him with kid gloves as though he were the most fragile of glass. You can’t help it. You’d almost lost him.

The office is open when you arrive, and a man who looks only a few years older than Wakatoshi is seated in a cream armchair, waiting, a measured smile on his face. Ushijima doesn’t smile back but he doesn’t frown either. 

“Welcome! Please come in and make yourself comfortable,” the man says without missing a beat, rising to shake his hand. He also shoots a glance at you, but before he can ask you to introduce yourself before politely shooing you out of the room (this is not couples’ therapy after all, even if it will help the two of you), you squeeze your husband’s hand before quickly exiting.

“I’m his partner, I’ll see myself out, thank you!”

You worry slightly about leaving him alone in this stranger’s care, but Ushijima is not a child and this isn’t the first day of kindergarten, he’s a man recovering from a life-altering injury and has finally agreed to go to therapy. 

You’re not sure how optimistic to be, but you’ve done an extensive amount of research and this particular therapist boasted credentialing in sports psychology, was highly recommended and had worked with a lot of current and former athletes alike. 

Of course, this would all be meaningless if Ushijima refused to talk, but as you started your car to pass the next hour at a nearby mall, you gave yourself a little bit of hope.

---

“Tell me about yourself,” is the first question the therapist asks, after offering not much more than his own name, and Ushijima is slightly annoyed by the question.

He does not want to be here in the first place, he doesn’t need to be here, and now he’s asked a question as vague and audacious as ‘tell me about yourself’ like he’s expected to pour out his feelings to this stranger from the very second he sits in this admittedly comfortable couch.

He pauses. He’s not sure exactly what he would say. 

He’s nearing 30. He’s married, no kids. If it’s not obvious, he’s from Japan. He plays volleyball professionally… well, played, up until recently. 

He frowns. That’s why he’s here. Because you don’t think he is okay, even if all of his injuries have essentially healed aside from this annoying limp that makes it obvious that he’s in some way not in optimal shape, broken, vulnerable. This  limp is the reason why he can no longer play even if he feels fine otherwise, and why he’s not exactly sure what to do next. 

But that’s beyond the point. The question is about himself.

What else can he say? How would others describe him?

His friends call him serious, just as the media describes him. Quiet and serious. Dedicated. Strong. 

Maybe he’s not that last thing anymore, but that too is beyond the point.

You think he’s sweet; you say this repeatedly. You tell him that he’s kind and considerate.

He thinks for a moment that maybe he was too kind. Kindness is what got him in this predicament in the first place, isn’t it?

A moment of compassion - a likely exhausted mother whose eyes leave her child for a split second to rummage through her purse, a little girl whose tiny legs take her just a bit too far out into an open intersection, a speeding car that shows no signs of stopping…

He remembers the exact moment he is no longer jogging but sprinting to take the child out of harm’s way, as well as the exact moment he hears his bones snap on impact, and he’s too shocked initially to feel pain, eyes frantically searching for the kid who now is standing on the opposite side of the street, looking at him in curiosity because the toddler is too young to understand what it means to see a body crumple. She’s unharmed, so he’s successful.

A woman screams and she sounds nothing like you. He’s not sure if that’s a good thing.

The car speeds on.

---

You sit in a food court, poking at some fries, but you’re not exactly hungry, just anxious. Is the session going okay? 

Even if the man is a professional at getting people to talk, Wakatoshi is a hard nut to crack. You could envision him sitting silently until the hour passed completely, before getting up to bow and exit stage left. It had taken you months to get him to agree to go to anything other than physical therapy.

You hope this is not an exercise in futility.

---

“I’m fine,” he grunted, just a couple days out of the hospital, once you’d started nagging him for weight-bearing on the leg that had just been operated on.

“Your leg was literally shattered!” You shouted. “You’re lucky they didn’t amputate!”

He gave you a mildly fatigued look. All he’d wanted to do was walk to the kitchen by himself, without crutches in his own house, and he’d barely made it a couple of steps before you were standing in the bedroom, looking all sorts of stressed and concerned. 

He figured your concern was temporary, so he attempted to quell his stubbornness. He had already been benched for the season, possibly to likely forever and pouring out his frustration on you wouldn’t be helpful.

“What do you need? I’ll get it for you.”

He frowned but he let you help him anyway.

---

“My name is Wakatoshi Ushijima. I moved here several years ago from Japan to play volleyball professionally. I was in a bad car accident a few months ago and my wife is concerned that I’m not adjusting well.”

The therapist offers a small smile again.

“Do you disagree with that assessment?”

Ushijima tilts his head slightly. He does disagree… he doesn’t? He’s not sure. He’s frustrated of course, who wouldn’t be, he had just been in the Olympics after all, but he’s fine. He’s strong.

He’s strong.

---

“We just wanted to thank you again.”

Wakatoshi glanced at the gifts the couple before them had brought,  a bouquet of flowers and stacks of cookies and pastries in boxes on the living room coffee table, before looking back at you. Your face remained polite and smiling but you were clearly uncomfortable from the way you were perched on the seat, nodding carefully as you listened to your visitors, your arms crossed over your midsection as you leaned forward in your chair.

He knew you wanted to be angry at them, well, her, the mother who looked at him pitifully initially then averted her eyes out of shame. But it wasn’t her fault but yet, it was her fault and still, it wasn’t. It was very complicated. No one was at fault. Her daughter was safe.

Everything was fine.

---

You’re back in your car again, ready to drive to pick up your husband from therapy. Things should get better from here on. 

Maybe he will no longer shut down like a brick wall when you suggest that now is a good time to start transitioning away from sports for the future. Maybe he’ll be less upset with small things like not being able to run as far, or lift as much or please you as much in the bedroom as he used to. 

They’re small things compared to losing his life.

---

“I would like to go back to playing but I’m told at every turn that it’s too dangerous, maybe even after a year of healing.”

The therapist nods, and scribbles something on a sheet of paper.

“How does that make you feel?”

The therapist notices even through Ushijima’s accented Polish that he’s naturally eloquent, but regardless he still lacks the words to appropriately talk about his feelings. 

His hands grip at his knees, the good and the bad one. The word ‘useless’ comes to mind but he can’t bring himself to say that to this stranger, even if these four walls come with the promise of understanding. 

For once, silence is uncomfortable for him, and the therapist is surprisingly good at staying quiet. They sit in silence for moments longer and surprisingly, Wakatoshi speaks up first.

“Weak,” he ekes out in a voice that is so small he barely recognizes it.

To that, the therapist leans just slightly forward, focusing his eyes on the man’s restricted range of motion and slightly hunched shoulders. It’s the posture of a man who’s normally stoic and confident, now made uncertain about the future.

“What’s wrong with weakness?” He says quickly, and Ushijima is somewhat stunned which then lends way to a small measure of anger.

Everything is wrong with being weak. Weakness was for other people. How could he protect himself, his livelihood, his team, you?

What is he if not strong?

---

“I love you.”

He says it less often than you do to him, but every time he does, he means every word. You shifted beneath him, weary from the lovemaking of just prior but still nevertheless craning your neck up to reach his lips. 

Your hands traveled down his shoulders and along the length of his bulky arms, playing with his biceps, drinking in the sight of his muscles flexing as he moved. He smiled and wrapped his arms tight around you, laying his head on your chest. 

“Aww, Toshi, you’ll crush me if you hold me so tight. You barely know your own strength,” you teased with a laugh, prompting him to loosen his grip ever so slightly, and lift up his head to show you the smallest of pouts.

“I love you more,” you added, giggling.

Pleased, he lay his head back down on the softness of your bosom, clinging to you more. He’d protect and take care of you forever.

---

You hold Ushijima’s hand tightly as you walked out of the building to your car, holding in your curiosity about the session the entire time. 

Would he go again?

He gives your hand a squeeze suddenly which surprises you, and when he turns to you, there’s a small upturn in the corner of his lips that approximates more of a smile than you’ve seen in recent weeks.

You’re elated enough that you immediately give him a hug, and maybe you’re a bit overzealous about it, but he stops and holds you close for just a moment.

“Thank you.”

There’s a lot in the thank you, and you shed a tear.

---

Strength is relative and inconstant, so our first task is to work on your definition of strength. 

But I would say, coming here in the first place is already evidence enough.

[south-park-meta]

why do you think cartman is abusing stan? they get along ok

I think Cartman's abusive towards everyone with Kyle and Butters getting the worst of it. But I have come around more to the way Cartman's abusive to Stan than when I made my initial analysis of their relationship. I said there that Cartman attacked things that mostly Stan's not bothered by, and some of that's true. Like, attacking him for caring about animals isn't something that affects him very often.

But with that said, there IS a core of attacking Stan for (lacking) masculinity and that actually does seem to be something he's anxious about...just not to Cartman directly. Cartman regularly calls him a pussy, gay, weak, seeming like a girl. The Cissy is probably the best example of the name-calling because it encompasses basically all of it

Do you know your girlfriend's going around tellin' everyone that you're gay?! [Stan looks around] Oh yeah! She's got the whole school believin' that she's attracted to girls, but she's dating you! So what does that make you, Stan?! A girl! STAN-AN'S A GIR-RL! You'd better curb your dog, Stan! You'd better curb your dog before people start ripping on you!

He tells Stan he's too weak to control his girlfriend, that he's gay, and that he's a girl all at once. Stan actually has a reaction (looking around, looking nervous, and he does end up talking to his dad and Principal Victoria. Cartman GOT a reaction, just not one he wanted).

The thing is, Stan's masculinity IS the thing he's most defensive of, and is his 'weak point' in relation to Kyle being Jewish, Kenny being poor, Butters being naive. He gets nervous about seeming gay and has to overcome it. He does get ripped on/ name-called/dismissed for not being manly enough or seeming gay by both his uncle, who he looks up to, and his dad, who he does (for most of the show) have a mutually loving relationship with. MOST of the 'Stan has a moment of character growth in the way of accepting who he is' comes down to him being okay with shirking stereotypical masculinity. Cartman is a master at honing in on weaknesses and he ABSOLUTELY has Stan's down.

So, then, why doesn't Cartman really tear the shit out of him more?

The thing is that Stan doesn't rise to the bait in angry outbursts. Kyle does. Kenny does, sometimes, too. Butters is specifically dismissed as a Kyle punching bag replacement because he doesn't. But Cartman also can't just casually abuse him constantly the way he does Butters, or put Stan's dick in his mouth while he sleeps, or give him a poop moustache, because Stan would up and leave the friendship, or actually physically beat him up. It has to be a verbal or emotional, non-physical attack. Stan doesn't get ripped on by Cartman more because he doesn't tend to take the bait in a way that would be fun and would let Cartman continue to feed off of it and really tear him to pieces.

So why doesn't Stan take the bait? Is he not upset by it?

The thing is he DOES get upset about this kind of thing. He just tends not to confront it directly. Instead he tends to want to compensate for the accusations. He tries to force Sparky to be straight. He doesn't play along at the wild west show because Wendy's there. He shoots and kills Skuzzlebutt. He becomes hypercritical of Gary and chews him out for Mormonism. And in each and every one of these cases, the best choice is consistently for him not to worry about seeming like anything except what he is. I think The Cissy is a step forward for him in, instead of outright denying who he is, he just sits down and questions it instead. Personally I think there hasn't been another comment on it since he came to the conclusion he is a boy (I know there're nb headcanons for him and I won't pick at it too much because I don't think it runs contrary to his character per se, I just don't agree with it. I see it as more of another masculinity introspection than really specifically a gender one), but I think it's a step forward for his character growth. He has multiple times gone through an arc of 'hide who you are, then realize who you are is really an asset', and sometimes that gets to a point of 'fuck what people think' but often it just kind of is what it is and he doesn't really do anything with it. He still cares about not being manly enough, and often the lesson of it is 'yeah you ARE kind of a pussy but it's fine, people will like you anyway, or being a pussy is beneficial to helping people'. While the recent seasons have made Stan more depressed and miserable, he's also FINALLY starting to get to a point of-- instead of worrying what makes other people like him, what makes him an asset to other people-- 'What makes me like myself? What makes me who I am?'

ANYWAY with all that said, the reason Cartman doesn't get much out of moments like this is that Stan often doesn't have a reaction, period. Sometimes it's because he probably literally doesn't care. He doesn't always value Cartman's opinion, and he does seem able to let a lot of comments go as just being bullshit. The other thing is that if it actually gets to the point of GETTING a reaction, it's not one that would be fun for Cartman. Literally the only thing that's ever come out of Stan reacting to the insecurity that Cartman harps on (whether because of Cartman or not) is that he either suppresses or questions it, and decides he likes himself more as he was to start with. Like he very consistently has improved himself through being criticized on this very point.

So does he have a point that Cartman can hurt him on?

Absolutely, and that point is Kyle.

Stan consistently has stronger, more hurt, more violent reactions to Cartman when it's Kyle that Cartman's going after. When Cartman makes a comment that Kyle's going to die, Stan tells him not to say things like that (even though people regularly die or talk about death around them). When Cartman's treating Kyle unfairly and Kyle can't do anything about it himself, Stan rights it. Even when Stan and Kyle aren't getting along, multiple seasons after Stan told Kyle that he was destroying the last thread of friendship they had left by siding with Cartman in the GOT arc, he still takes tit-for-tat revenge on Cartman in Band in China for Kyle's sake.

The way to get Kyle to respond in a fun way is for Cartman to attack Kyle.

The way to get Stan to respond in a fun way is for Cartman to attack Kyle.

I think it's noteworthy that when Cartman checks out on the 'broship' it's after Stan has checked out on Kyle, and pointedly stayed out of Kyle's fight with Cartman even after Kyle asked him to get involved with it. It's not worth keeping Stan tied in to the group because he's not coming to Kyle's defense, so there's no fun to be had in Stan hanging around. It's ALSO noteworthy that Kyle is equally blindsided by both of them.

But, okay, Cartman is nice to Stan sometimes. He's probably nicer to him than he is pretty much any other character. I think Cartman was playing a balancing act and lost.

He wants Stan and Kyle to be friends, because their friendship is important to get them both riled up. But he wants himself to be the most important to both of them, and that means he HAS to knock them down a peg in each other's opinions. They need to be friends with each other, good enough friends that Stan wants to defend Kyle when Cartman's mean to him and Kyle can't defend himself. It's no fun if Kyle's literally defenseless and Cartman gets jack for a reaction. But they have to be best friends with Cartman, because Cartman has a massive ego. This is a pretty damn hard line to walk.

But here are some nice things that Cartman's done for Stan:

-He came and hung out with him on Tegridy, and had solo activities bonding with him through board games and things like that.

-He helped Stan with the drug ring in Hummels and Heroin

-He saved the pangolin

The first two things are a clear spit in Kyle's face. Kyle is the core group who seems most disconnected from what's going on on Tegridy. Cartman is very clearly trying to take Kyle's place as Stan's go-to. Around(ish, keeping in mind the show's internal timeline) the same time, through the GOT arc, he is focusing his attention on bonding with Kyle.

Likewise, Kyle tells Stan outright he's not going to help with the Hummels problem in the second case. Cartman gets involved because Stan says he 'needs' him. He's willing to help because it puts him in direct competition with Kyle; he's helping Stan when Kyle told him to figure it out himself. He is weasling in on the best friend role.

In the last case, I think it's because he still wanted the 'broship' to work, and like I said I think he did up until Stan gave up on his friendship with Kyle. Stan's having a complete mental breakdown, which would cause issues and not be enjoyable on Cartman's end, so he'll give him a bone and let him maintain his sanity so Cartman can keep having fun pitting Stan and Kyle against each other while being besties with them both. He just flew too close to the sun and lost with it because Stan was teetering on the edge for the friendship since YGO and the next episode pushed him over.

In conclusion, Cartman's actions with Stan are 100% meant to manipulate him and emotionally destroy him. It just happens that Stan takes attacks on himself pretty internally and might even come out stronger for it. So for the most part if everything else is going fine, he's a tough nut to crack. The stuff that really fucks him up and tears him apart mentally is attacking Kyle, or attacking his friendship with Kyle.

[angel-letters]

snow days

PAIRING: levi ackerman x gender netural reader (can be taken as platonic or romantic)

DISCLAIMER: while not directly stated this story does deal with depression, and i understand that sometimes reading stories such as this one can make your own depression worse, so please feel no obligation to read it. your own mental health should be your priority. it is also important that if you are not feeling well that you reach out those around you, you’re not alone in your battle. there are also curse words, because apparently i can’t go without cursing.

WORD COUNT: 3551

DOLL’S NOTE:  did i project onto this because my own therapy session was cancelled because of the snow and maybe the fact that i just hate the snow in general because it makes me feel crappy? maybe possibly, but what can you expect when i’m supposed to get 4-8 inches when normally we get less than an inch? also, before i got the chance to finish writing this i had to go work and while i was working i was reading the web comic the maid and the vampire, so as i was writing the last part of this i kept thinking of millard, like the feelings i have for that man, oh my. also, once again, a thank you to @setenuma​ for helping me edit this garbage.

The Writing Room!

You hated the snow. You hated the way the cold of it seemed to seep deep into your bones, how it made your limbs feel like lead, and turned your fingers blue. But most of all you hated the burden of memories and feelings that flooded into your mind with each new snow fall.

You still kept up with your duties, completing training drills and paperwork the way you had always done. Appearing perfectly fine and normal to those in the regiment that did not know you as well, but to those that did they noticed plenty the sloppiness that took place during training, noticing how you seemed to not care if you put yourself in a position that on an expedition would have gotten you killed. There was also the new found sense of heaviness in the air around you, like you were Atlas, carrying the world on your shoulders.

Slowly as the days turned colder and colder you found yourself distancing yourself from your comrades even more, opting to spend all your free time in your office alone completing paperwork instead of staying in the dining hall with the other high ranking officers and squad leaders, drinking tea and listening to Hange ramble for hours about new experiments and discussing new training exercises.

Most still tried to interact with you, trying to cheer you up, Hange would come and try and drag you off to help with an experiment, Mike would try and hold idle chit-chat with you, and Erwin would ask for your opinions on new formations in hopes of distracting you. However in the end all of them decided that it was best to leave you be and let you come to them when you were readly. Well everyone except one person.

Levi Ackerman.

The man refused to allow you a minute of solitude. Always finding you wherever you hid, two cups of tea in his hands and a stack of paperwork under his arm. Even if no words were spoken between the two of you, for you, however, it was the most calming part of your day, when it seemed that the bombardment of memories and feelings finally slowed down.

You and Levi had always had a special sort of bond, perhaps that’s why being in his presence had such a calming feeling for you. A bond that had developed when you yelled at Flagen for being much too harsh to them and consistently offered all three of the newcomers help whenever they needed it. Helping Isabel learn to tack up her horse, answering all of Furlan’s questions about the world above, and even sneaking a tin of tea leaves to Levi after hearing about his liking of tea from Isabel. Then when Furlan and Isabel were killed you were the one that took their wings of freedom from their jackets to give Levi. It was a small gesture but it’s one that led to you being the closest person to Levi other than Erwin.

-

It was another one of those days where you had hidden yourself away in your office, busy signing and filling out paperwork when your door was opened, not bothering to look up as a familiar voice rang out into the room.

“Get your ass up brat, Erwins called an emergency meeting for some shitty reason,” the raven haired man grumbled, arms crossed as he leaned his back and right foot up against the door frame, staring across the room at you with steely grey eyes.

He was worried about you, yes, though he would never admit it out loud. Throughout all his time as a scout you had been one of the most consistent people he had ever met. You weren’t the cheeriest person around, but then again not many people in the scouts were (though it wasn’t without reason), but you had a kind soul and a warm smile that helped calm down even the most distressed soldier. The only problem with you was that you were secretive when it came to your own feelings. You would offer an ear and advice to any soldier that asked, but never did you let yourself show vulnerability, instead you hide yourself away until you can put a brave face on and Levi hated it. After everything that the two of you had gone through he felt like you knew more about him then he did you and he had tried everything to get you to open up to him. Asking Erwin to move your squad closer to his in the formations so that two of you could ride together, mixing most of your training exercise together, preparing tea for the two of you during late nights. He had placed himself within nearly every part of your schedule and you in his, but no matter how many inside jokes and late nights it still felt like you had a wall up that you refused to let down, even around him.

Placing the paper you had just finished on a stack to your right you placed the pen in your hand down as you stood up from your desk, and silently joined the shorter man at the door. A feeling like a knife went through Levi’s heart as you said nothing when before you would have come up with some sort of snarky remark to his jab. Instead of saying anything however he pushed himself off of the door frame and started down the hall, with you by his side, to Erwin’s office.

-

You sat at a large wooden table with the other senior officers. Erwin, as the commander, sat at the head of the table discussing the plans for the latest expedition outside of the walls, Mike sat to your left, Hange to your right (being loud as always), and Levi was directly across from you staring at you once again with those steely grey eyes of his. Normally you would have returned his gaze with one of your own, raising a brow and maybe throwing in a wink to make him roll his eyes and turn his gaze back to Erwin, but today you opted to turn your gaze downwards. Glancing at the papers in front of you attempted to read them, though you knew it was pointless, no matter how many times you read them over you never retained any of the information, similar to know matter how hard you tried to listen to what was being said you never seemed to be able to properly comprehend what was being said. It was frustrating to say the least.

“According to the weather experiments that Hange has been performing it appears that there will be a massive storm arriving within the next couple of days. That is why, after careful consideration, it has been decided that should a storm take place that all troops will be given the day, and following days off as it will be near impossible for any training to take place,” It was the last of Erwin’s announcements and though the blond spoke like he doubted the storm would take place, everyone knew that while often extravagant, Hange’s experiments often worked, with their weather experiments becoming fairly accurate in predicting the weather. So with the idea of maybe getting a little more sleep, and being able to escape your mind just a little, in a couple days you left the room with the others, returning to your office.

-

The storm that Hange had predicted did happen, starting with low howls of wind late in the night, as clouds burden with snow covered the sky, sending large flakes of snow down onto the earth. By the time that the sun had risen the next morning, though the winds had not calmed by much and the snow was still falling, large drifts of snow had formed around the scouts headquarters. With the lower ranked soldiers being informed of the day off, most stayed in the mesh hall, playing games of chess and idly chatting, while senior officers went to their offices, attempting to catch up with overdue paperwork now that they had a day not filled with training drills. You however were a different story.

You had woken up just as the sun was rising to be greeted with frosted window panes, and a chill that seemed to speed in from the outside, numbing your body even with the fire that was still going in the fireplace. The fatigue that was filling your mind also did not help the chill that had crept into your body, making you want nothing more than to sleep, and perhaps you could. Erwin had said that when the storm blows in they would all be given the day off, so perhaps, just once, you could give into your mind and just sleep. Yes a part of you screamed that no matter how bad you feel, no matter how hard it is to bury everything you’re feeling, you need to get up, go and eat breakfast and do your work. But the thought of food had your stomach in a knot and the thought of paperwork brought back the image of fog whenever you had been working the past days. So before you could tell yourself no you sank back into your bed and pulled the blanket up and over your head and went back to sleep.

-

Levi was in a panicked mood to say the least, though it did not appear so if anyone were to comment. He had waited for over an hour for you to appear in the mesh hall, and when you hadn’t he had merely shrugged it off as a day that you weren’t hungry (he’ll bring some bread alongside the tea he normally brings later), but slowly as the day went on and as he continually went back and forth between all of the places you went to be alone and his own office, you were nowhere to be found. He had checked the library, Mike, Hange, and Erwin’s offices, the storage closet on the east wing, he had even braved the cold weather and checked the stables. So now with just one place left, if he didn’t find you he was going to raise a high alarm, after all it was already late into the afternoon and not one person had seen you all day, if that wasn’t a reason to worry or panic then he didn’t know what was.

Arriving in front of the room that had you shared with Hange (though it was more of just your room as they tended to sleep in their lab), he tried the handle, finding it unlocked (thankfully he didn’t have to kick the damn thing down, he let himself into the room. Shivering slightly as he walked in, automatically noticing the dying fire in the fireplace, however he quickly turned his gaze to the bundle of blankets on the bed. Pushing the door shut with his hand he quickly turned the lock before he walked slowly towards the bed. Reaching his hand out to grab the blanket, he hesitated, was this the right thing to do? Should he bother you like this? But before he could decide to leave (he doubted that in that state you were that you had even noticed him) he remembered something, a promise the two of you had made.

-

The night sky had shone so bright that night, if felt like it was mocking him, with each night since their passing not even a cloud crossed the night sky. He may have chosen not to regret anything that happened, chosen to follow the man he had been sent to kill, but that didn’t mean grief did not find its way into his heart. As his mind clouded, silent tears falling down his cheeks, the sound of a cup being placed next to him startled him. Jumping to his feet, his hand reaching for the knife in his pocket, he was surprised to find you there, laughing softly as you held a cup out to him. Eyeing you suspiciously he glanced between the cup and you.

“It’s not poisoned if that’s what you’re thinking, I would drink it to prove it to you, but as much of a clean freak you are I don’t think you would appreciate that now would you?” Rolling his eyes he sat back down, (in the same spot he had sat every night he had come up here with Furlan and Isabel) taking the cup gratefully, though still eyeing you as you rested you arms on the way, now holding your own up between your hands, eyes aimed towards the sky.

He couldn’t help but wonder why you went through all the trouble, why you’ve gone out of your way since he first arrived, to try and befriend him (if that’s what you were trying). Even after knowing he had joined the scouts to kill one of your own friends, you had still cared enough to hand him the bloody wings of freedom that had belonged to Furlan and Isabel, and every day you made sure to greet him when passing by, or even dragging him off to train with your squad, because (and he could quote it), ‘Flagen’s an ass and you won’t learn anything from him’. Now even, you had sought him out in the middle of the night, when he was at his lowest, to offer him a cup of tea. Why, what were you gaining from this? Most everyone else still treated him like an outsider, so why were you so kind?

“You’re wondering why aren’t you? Why am I so kind to you?” you mused softly, speaking his thoughts out loud for him. Looking his way, you met eyes briefly before he turned his gaze away, silently answering your own questions. Another small laugh escaped you as he avoided your gaze.

“There’s no reason, if you must know, no reason other than I don’t think that you should be alone after everything that happened.” He scoffed at that, causing you to laugh once more, humans were selfish creatures, that much was true, so you had to have a reason, something that you wanted, but for the time being he would indulge you, you were rather calming to be around (and not just his curiosity getting the better of him). So he sat silently, occasionally speaking up, as you talked about random things to fill the silence. The two of you stayed like that for several hours into the night, and it wasn’t until you both were finally heading to bed to get the few hours of sleep that you could before you would be required to be up and training, did he ask what the both of you knew had been on his mind all night long.

 “What do you get out of this, what do you want in return? And don’t say nothing, everyone wants something.” You smiled softly nodding as you thought carefully.

“I really do want nothing, but if it satisfies you, I’m doing what I would want someone to do for me if I were in your shoes, so why don’t we say that what I want in return is for someone to kick me in the ass if I ever appear to lose hope in everything, okay? Does that work as an answer for you?”

Though shock coursed through his body, he rolled his eyes, letting out yet another scoff among thousands that he had made during the night, muttering, “I suppose that works.”

“Great, then it's a deal. I keep annoying you and in return if I ever get mopey and depressed I expect you to kick me in my ass and tell me to get over it,” you said, laughing all the while.

-

‘If I ever get mopey and depressed I expect you to kick me in my ass and tell me to get over it.’ That was what you said, so while you may end up being momentarily pissed at him for what he was about to do, you could only blame yourself, after all you were the one who said he could do it.

Grabbing the blanket with both hands he gave a hard tug as he pulled it off of you, shaking you awake. As the sudden cold hit your body and light flooded your face, blinding you, you blinked your eyes quickly, trying to adjust to the sudden light while giving Levi a look of, ‘what the hell are you doing?’

“You look like shit,” Levi said once you met his eyes, and it was true. Your hair was a mess, your eyes bloodshot and swollen, tear streaks running down your face, your skin looked duller than normal, but those were not the things that shocked Levi. The look of absolute defeat, of brokenness shook him to his core, never had he seen you look so small and helpless, causing him to yell at himself mentally for not realizing how badly your mental health had become. 

“Yeah, yeah, now what do you want,” you eyed the blanket that he had ripped away from you longingly, but made no move to try and take it back, your arms felt too heavy to move, pushing yourself to sit was hard enough.

“I’m here to get your lazy ass up, seeing as you decided to sleep all day.” You raised your eyebrows, glancing to look at the window, to see that long shadows had started creeping across the land outside of your window, the sun would be setting soon.

Sighing, Levi draped the blanket over the headboard, reaching a hand out to gently grasp your chin to turn your gaze back to him, “What’s wrong brat?”

“Nothings wrong, I just decided to sleep all day. What's wrong with that.” While you still denied it, one look, however, he could tell it was a lie. From the way your eyes watered and refused to look at any part of him, knowing that you would cave if you looked directly at him and not wanting to burden him with your own memories and feelings, he already dealt with more than his fair share.

“Don’t lie to me. And if I must remind you, you gave me special permission to beat your ass if you ever got like this.”

“I-,” you finally met his eyes, seeing for the first time the amount of worry that shone behind them, “fine,” you mumbled, slipping out of his grasp and resting your back against the wall, staring at your hands as you gathered you thoughts, trying to find a place to start. Slipping his boots off Levi joined you on the bed, resting against the headboard, arms crossed as he waited patiently.

Once your thoughts had been gathered you started speaking, telling the story of all the people you could never save. Your fellow cadets that had graduated from the same cadet corps as you, joining you as a scout (there had only been five of you who had joined that year), all of whom had died during their first expedition, leaving you alone. Of fellow squad mates that were killed saving you, fresh new cadets that you were given to train that never made it through their first expedition. The guilt you felt from not being there to save Furlan and Isabel. The screams of mothers when told that their child was dead and never returning home. Then finally, as your voice became shaky and tears had filled your eyes until you could no longer see clearly, you told him of your siblings. Of the snowstorm that rolled through your hometown, of the argument you had with your parents, how you had left right before the storm had it, leaving for a friends house, and how your younger siblings had gone out in the storm to search for you only to not be seen again until spring, about the blame your parents had placed on you, and the blame you placed on yourself. You told him everything as he sat silent, watching as your highest wall crumbled and fell to the ground.

He had known you were a kind soul, but he had never realized just how kind you were, how much you cared for people, and how much you blame yourself for not saving people who could not be saved. Stepping out of his comfort zone you reached his arms out, wrapping tightly around your torso as he pulled to his chest, whispering soft affirmations, and speaking of all the lives you had saved. And as he held you in his arms, speaking to you and rubbing calming circles on you back as you fell apart before him and sobbed your heart out, you realized something. You weren’t in this alone in any of this pain, there were others all around you who felt the same, friends, strangers, so many people in your own life who had also lost others and shared in the same grief and pain as you. You realized that as long as you reached out to those you cared, you would never be alone.

Wrapping your arms around the dark haired man, between your sobs, you whispered out a small thank you, for caring, and for reaching out.

[blitzturtles]

Title: It Goes Like This (It Starts Like This Universe)

Rating: Teen and Up

Fandom: JoJo's Bizarre Adventure: Vento Aureo

Pairing(s): BruAbba

Summary: Abbacchio isn’t a morning person. Never has been. He prefers the comfort that comes with a blanket of darkness to the bright hours of the early morning. There’s less eyes. Less people. Less performance. Unfortunately, he’s gone and fallen in love with a man that believes that the day begins before the sun has even broken the horizon.

Notes: This is for the first place to my 300 Follower Giveaway! @bucciaratisfishmarket requested BruAbba set in my It Starts Like This verse with some disabled slice of life/morning routine. Ngl, I was super excited to get to do something in this verse, so thank you!

Thank you to everyone that followed and participated, and a special thanks to @bucciaratisfishmarket! I hope you like your fic!

Additional Notes: Also, the pill organizer described in the fic can be found on Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/listing/1022344896/boneyard-real-bones-weekly-7-day-pill It's cool and beautiful, and I probably don't do it justice. Definitely go check it out!

-

Abbacchio isn’t a morning person. Never has been. He prefers the comfort that comes with a blanket of darkness to the bright hours of the early morning. There’s less eyes. Less people. Less performance. Unfortunately, he’s gone and fallen in love with a man that believes that the day begins before the sun has even broken the horizon. It’s leftover from Bruno’s days helping his father with the boat, and, later, his days running Polpo’s errands. Chasing people down for money and answers. What comfort Abbacchio can find in the night, Bruno can find just fine in the light hours of the morning.

Fortunately for both of them, Abbacchio is more than capable of running on a schedule, of waking up at the same time everyday and forcing his mind and body into cooperation. He did it for years for school and then the academy. It’s nothing he isn’t used to, and he’s happiest when Bruno is happy, no matter what that entails, which is how he finds himself waking up to Bruno’s second alarm before the man can snooze it again.

The thing about Bruno’s new medication—a pill large in size and equally ridiculous in the length of its name—is that it makes it damn near impossible for him to get going in the morning the way he used to. Before, Bruno practically operated on his own internal clock. Waking up before his alarm had even gone off and fetching them both their first cup of caffeine; it used to be the thing that made greeting the day a bit more tolerable.

Now, Bruno snoozes. Alarm after alarm, until they run out. He’s tried music, absurd volumes, and even relocating the damned clock halfway across the room. None of it helps, so Leone compensates. He wakes up around the second or third alarm, turns the rest off, and kisses Bruno’s cheek before he rolls out of bed.

Sometimes there’s a quiet plea, “five more minutes”, that endears Abbacchio so completely that his mood settles, not nearly as bitchy as he could be upon reaching the kitchen and finding someone else already there.

“Why are you awake?” Okay, so. Still bitchy. But he doesn’t sneer his words quite as bad.

Narancia, for his part, looks completely startled by the prospect of someone else existing at such an ungodly hour, but he manages to avoid outright screaming. That’s a plus. Abbacchio isn’t sure his head could take it this early. “What are you doing?”

“I asked first.”

Narancia narrows his eyes, but he caves within seconds. “I got a test in like two hours, and Fugo’s gonna kill me if I don’t pass.”

Abbacchio snorts at the idea, “Yeah, he will.”

“Not helping!”

“Never said I planned to,” Abbacchio points out as he starts rummaging through the cabinets for two mugs. He sets them on the counter and gets to work brewing their coffee. Decaf these days, for Bruno’s sake. Abbacchio could keep drinking his usual, but he takes solace in the bitter taste of his coffee instead. It seems kinder that way, especially when he knows how much Bruno’s been struggling without caffeine.

“Why are you awake?”

“I’m always awake this early,” next is breakfast, which is easier said than done. It’s rare that Abbacchio wakes up with a stomach for anything. Too many years of skipping breakfast in favor of a bottle did a number on him, but it’s not optional anymore. Neither one of them will be able to keep their meds down without something to eat, so he picks through the refrigerator until he comes up with fruit and yogurt as his best solution.

“Really?” Narancia asks, wrinkling his nose, “Why?”

“Ask Bruno,” Abbacchio says, dismissive. He’s really not in the mood to talk to people that aren’t currently snoozing in his bed.

“You’re not much fun in the morning.”

“Am I ever?”

“Touché.”

Abbacchio snorts. He should be offended, but he knows the kid is being a smartass. It’s his own fault for setting himself up. “Why don’t you go bother Fugo? I’m sure he’ll be happy to help you study.”

“Have you ever tried waking Fugo up?”

“No, can’t say that I have.” That’s always been Bruno’s job, assuming that Fugo hadn’t already woken up on his own.

“It’s too early to get stabbed.”

“Touché.”

They go back and forth for a while longer. At least until Abbacchio’s patience runs out, and he’s finished putting breakfast together. He dismisses himself with little warning and doesn’t feel the least bit guilty when the kid looks a little startled by the abruptness of his departure. He has things to get done for the day, and those things don’t necessarily include being part of Narancia’s obvious effort to procrastinate.

“Bruno,” Abbacchio calls when he steps back into their room after Moody opens the door for him. “Your five minutes are up.”

“Five more?” Bruno asks, voice muffled. His head is barely visible with only a tuft of hair sticking out from a pile of blankets. It’s cute, and Abbacchio is a complete sucker for giving in.

“Last one, tesoro,” Abbacchio warns as he sets Bruno’s cup and food down on the bedside table.

There’s a muffled reply that might be a quiet thanks, though it’s almost impossible to tell with the way Bruno pulls the blankets even tighter around himself.

Abbacchio rummages through the drawer of his nightstand until he finds what he’s looking for before taking up a spot at the end of the bed with his food and drink in hand. He sips at the decaf slowly, wrinkling his nose at the first taste. God, he misses caffeine. As expected, he doesn’t feel much better about his first bite of homemade parfait (and he can almost hear Polnareff’s protest at his calling it that). The rest goes down about the same, but the motion is mechanical at that point. One bite after the other with the occasional sip from his mug to wash it all down until everything is gone.

Abbacchio sets the dishes on the floor and reaches for the pill organizer sitting on the bed beside him. He absently runs his fingers over the lid, where small bones have been set in resin. He can still remember the first time he saw it. The black shine had caught his eye first, but, on closer examination, the thing that had convinced him to buy the organizer had been the mouse bones, delicately placed and striking against the background.

What he hadn’t realized then is that the little organizer would a significant adjustment to his daily routine. Having a week’s worth of medication in one place, already sectioned in dosed amounts, had significantly increased his medication compliance. Oddly enough, it’s had a rather hefty impact on his overall mental health. Now, when anti-inflammatories and bronchodilators and steroids are part of his daily regiment as much as his SSRI’s, it’s even more vital for him to consistently get his meds in. Otherwise, the consequences tend to be pneumonia and an unwanted hospital trip with a round of antibiotics and even stronger steroids. And that’s to say nothing of what happens when he’s running low on serotonin.

He’s caught up in his own thoughts when Bruno hooks his chin over his shoulder and peers down at the little organizer.

“I never did ask you if those are real,” Bruno muses quietly.

“I thought you were taking five more.”

“‘m awake,” Bruno answers, clearly half-asleep.

Abbacchio huffs a soft, amused laugh. He turns his head to press a kiss to the side of Bruno’s nose. “Sure you are, amore.”

“I am.”

“M’hm,” Abbacchio smiles, reflecting the expression on Bruno’s face, though his is notably less sleep-depressed. Bruno looks a lot like a light gust of wind might knock him out, and it’s so damn endearing that Abbacchio can barely handle it. Instead, he looks back down at the pill organizer and answers Bruno’s earlier question, “They are. Real, I mean.”

“They’re lovely,” Bruno says, and he means it. Odd as some might find Abbacchio’s taste, Bruno has always found beauty in it. “Perhaps I should get one.”

“Might be a good idea.” It would be easier to see if Bruno ever missed a dose, and it would certainly be easier to avoid that disaster all together. “There are other options. You could go with something—oceanic, maybe?”

Bruno hums at the thought. “I think I’d like that.”

“I’ll keep an eye out,” by which Abbacchio means that he’ll actively go looking for one. Anything to make Bruno’s life a touch easier.

“Oh, you brought breakfast,” Bruno says, moving away from Abbacchio to peer curiously at the morning’s offerings. “You’re entirely too kind.”

Abbacchio huffs a laugh at that, “For all that you’ve done for us? Hardly.” He pops open the side hatch of his organizer and dumps the day’s pills into his hand. Abbacchio pulls a face at the number of them and looks down at his mug. Right, he had meant to save a sip.

“Here,” Bruno offers his own with a smile. “We’ll get more in a bit.”

“If you’re sure...” Abbacchio could always go get his own, but he has a feeling that doing so will result in more small talk, and he’s not quite up for that yet.

“I am,” Bruno reassures him before taking up the bowl of yogurt and fruit in absence of his coffee. “Just leave enough for me to take mine.”

[peachy-rambles]

TW: miscarriage

I could only think of angst when I heard this. Alternative version, of course. 

Phil feels like somethings wrong weeks before the twins are do. He expresses his concerns with Techno and he tries to calm Phil down from his ‘nervous thinking’. Philza expresses his concerns again about a week later, only to find out that he ended up having a miscarriage. The news absolutely destroyed them both.

Oh, you want angst, anon? I'll give you angst!

Remember how I said that Phil has been pregnant before? Well, he has been, but a majority of those pregnancies often ended up being miscarriages.

See, there's something about Avian pregnancy that all the books left out and something that Phil never told Techno. And that is that Avians have a very hard time reproducing, it's why they're so rare and there's so few of them left. Live births are extremely difficult for them, most likely due to human bodies already being less than suitable for live birth - add in the hollow bones and wings of an Avian, and it's so much more difficult.

9/10 Avians die giving birth and there's no guarantee the offspring will survive, since most Avians never make it past the first 10 years of their life.

Phil is a bit of an exception to this and has successfully carried to term a few children, AND survived the birth (he was really weak afterwards but he was alive). But his body still isn't perfect and several of his pregnancies besides those children he had, were all miscarriages.

When he finds out he's pregnant with Techno's child, he is worried it might end up being another miscarriage, but he sees how happy Techno is and decides not to tell him about Phil's past pregnancies. There's no need to worry Techno because all of Phil's previous children were all sired by Avians and Phil figured that since Techno is a god, their children will be demigods and surely, surely, that means Phil won't end up miscarrying again?

But then...he does.

It devastates both of them, especially when they learn they'd been expecting twins and they both blame themselves.

Phil feels guilty and thinks it's his fault, that he shouldn't have assumed it would be alright, that his body has failed not only him but Techno. Techno had been so excited and overjoyed about the pregnancy, to finally have a family of their own and now he'll never have that. And it's all Phil's fault.

Techno feels guilty because he feels like he dismissed Phil's concern, that he should've listened and pushed Phil to see a healer if he was concerned. But Techno had been constantly worried during the early stages of the pregnancies and Phil had always soothed him, telling him it would be fine, so Techno had tried to be calm about it and not worry, again. He thought since they were so far into the pregnancy, there was a low chance of losing the babies, but he was wrong. Techno doesn't blame Phil at all, and thinks the blame should be rested on his own shoulders.

While Phil had once been so happy during the pregnancy, now he's become extremely depressed and rarely ever leaves their nest. He barely eats or drinks, and he doesn't talk, he just lays there unresponsive. He doesn't even let Techno touch him, constantly shying away from his touch and turning away.

He doesn't tell Techno the truth about his past miscarriages, too afraid that Techno will hate him for it and possibly leave him if he knows the truth, that Phil can't give him the family he wants (it never stopped Phil's past partners from leaving him). Phil refuses to talk to Techno because he's afraid if he does, the truth will spill out and he just can't tell Techno.

Techno is naturally concerned and tries his best to help Phil, while also dealing with and processing his own grief. But he takes Phil's silence and unresponsiveness to mean he's upset with Techno and blames him for it, which Techno understands. So he gives Phil space and stops sleeping in their nest with him, he starts going out more (usually claiming he's hunting and sometimes he is but sometimes he just wanders for hours outside, unsure of what to do).

This continues for a few weeks, both of them grieving and suffering alone, until one day while Techno is out hunting and he hears the sound of a baby crying in the distance.

He thinks he's finally cracked, that his grief and mourning have gotten to him, and now he's hearing things.

But the crying continues and the wolf he brought with him to help him hunt also seems to have heard it, ears pointed in the direction of the sound and getting agitated. And that's when Techno realizes he isn't hearing things, the crying is real, which means there's a baby crying somewhere in the forest with monsters and predators, who also probably hear it.

Techno follows the sound, the wolf following closely behind him. They come across a few monsters and swiftly take care of them before they find the baby.

It's wrapped in an old blanket and hidden in some undergrowth, and has clearly been there for a while. It's also a hybrid, Techno realizes, with small brown animal ears (goat? ram? deer? he's not sure, hard to tell when they're this young), instead of human ones.

Techno doesn't want to assume the worst, but he has a feeling this baby was abandoned. It can't be left alone and logically, Techno knows he should take it back home, but he hesitates. What will happen if he brings home a baby? What will Phil think? Will he try to care for it or will he react negatively?

The baby begins to let out small whimpers and Techno makes his decision, taking it in his arms and wrapping it in his cloak to hopefully keep it warm. The baby immediately quiets and nuzzles into Techno, and Techno tries his best not to feel anything when it does (best not to get attached when there's no guarantee it'll stay with them).

Techno makes his way back home and he begins panicking when the baby starts crying again. He tries his best to quiet it down, but not before apparently Phil hears and comes out of their nest for the first time in a while, approaching Techno.

"That's...a baby," Phil says once he's standing in front of him, staring down at the baby still in Techno's arm.

"Yeah, it was...abandoned, I think. I didn't-I didn't know what else to do..." Techno tries to explain, his voice trailing off.

Phil is quiet before reaching his hand out, "Can I...?"

Techno nods and hands the baby to Phil, who stops crying when Phil coos down at them.

Phil brings the baby into their nest and starts tending to them, Techno hovering nearby and watching closely. Eventually, the baby and Phil fall asleep together in their nest and Techno goes to cover them with a blanket before leaving.

But he's stopped when Phil calls out a soft "Techno" and he pauses, glancing down at Phil.

"Can you stay?" Phil asks and somehow Techno knows Phil isn't just asking if Techno will stay tonight.

"I will," Techno answers back and lays down in the bed, pulling Phil and the baby close to him, so they're both in his arms. He presses a kiss to Phil's forehead and whispers, "I'll always stay."

(Things aren't completely fixed yet. Phil still hasn't told Techno the truth and they're both still mourning, but it's a step closer to healing. They'll get through this. Together, just like they've always done.)

[life-rewritten]

The doomed futility of Sisyphus; Sisyphus The Myth Kdrama Analysis

Before we start this analysis, I did have a lot of help getting to understand what's happening in this show especially the logical rules of time travelling, due to this website bitchesoverdrama, we have a great community over there we talk about shows and comment our thoughts and the way packmule sees things in shows is so inspiring. So even though this is my theory it is based of her own theories and opinions on what's going on in the show. 

Sisyphus The Myth Ep 1-4

Let's talk about Sisyphus. The Korean drama that everyone seems to have something to say, mostly negative because they don't understand where the storyline is going, and because of that frustration of lack of understanding, they go to insults, and annoyance, and lack of patience to wait it out, they call the show ridiculous with it's terrible directing and also outlandish action scenes and unreasonable logic. The first mistake these people made is going into this show, thinking it was a logical sci-fi. There is another show where people have mistaken a mystery fantasy plot (as the writers announced it was, in an interview)  for sci-fi because it includes scientific rules sometimes and discusses time travel. Do you the know the show? It's The king's Eternal Monarch. So because logical people have it out for writers using specific sci-fi plotlines to write a romantic mystery show; that doesn't actually base its self on the realism or logic of the science they expected, people call these stories dumb; they say it's ridiculous and should not have been done. And it's hard for people like me who completely gets bored at the idea of a sci-fi show, I'm not logical. Let's first get that out of the way; I won't be calculating mass, and time, and velocity and use maths and science as a base for my analysis.  In fact, I usually run away from anything to do with sci-fi. But there's something funny about this, that with TKEM and now Sisyphus, mystery fantasies that do incorporate a piece of the sci-fi genre, actually make me enjoy them. 

Perhaps it could be argued that it's because I'm not smart and I like ridiculous things, I only want romance with shitty writing, and maybe that's it. However, I disagree, what I see in these stories are a different sort of basis; instead of relying on scientific logic rules, or whatever is seen as appropriate in a sci-fi plotline, they use meta; they use other things to make their world mean something. For TKEM, it was literature and fairytales, and stories, and for Sisyphus actually named after the  Greek myth, it's the same. In order to understand where a show is going when it uses a literature base, you have to first understand the source. What is the source saying? Why have they chosen this source to tell this story? But people clock out and don't want to wait, aren't connected to the characters enough to care, or just plain detest anything that doesn't follow a specific set of logical rules, and that's fine; you're allowed to like or want whatever you want to see on TV, it's your experience, but  for the others who do want a show that is maybe deeper, interesting, laced with a good plot and love story that is sad, futile and also romantic, then I would suggest Sisyphus being for you. This isn't going to have a lot of support, and I already know this. Still, I do want to write about this show and explain why I'm into it because it has everything I like, a mysterious plot, fantasy/sci-fi elements, and a romance that is very angsty but also very deep. The show's director maybe not be as great as the others before him, but I think he's doing an okay job showcasing what he wants from the story. So yes, Sisyphus has so many scientific questions to ponder about, but I want to get rid of all that and focus on the bare bones of the story. How does this myth connect to this story, and why does it foreshadow how good this plot could be? This doesn't mean, this plot will be great because it all depends on the directing and writing skills, I'm not familiar with their work and with the director. I don't particularly care a lot about what he offers. But I know how he makes shows, I know the themes he's into and from this myth analysis, this show is definitely up his alley. So for now, I'll keep enjoying it and analysing, but it doesn't mean I think it's the best thing ever to exist in this genre. Okay, now we have that out of the way; let's learn about Greek Mythology, shall we? 

An Introduction to a Genius

So who or what is Sisyphus? When I hear about Sisyphus, I think about the guy who tried to run away from d*ath but ended up being captured by Zeus for even trying to think he could do that. He ends up basically with this painful task of constantly rolling a boulder uphill. In a way, it's depressing AF, and it really holds this theme of futility and punishment. So it's interesting to see we have a character who is being punished for his brains and his cunningness to evade situations and save people, and it seems unfair that he gets this ending. It also makes me worry about Tae Sul, our main character in Sisyphus the myth, who begins the first episode evading d*ath by saving tons of people on a plane and then also wanting to revert a specific family member's demise that he feels guilty about. Taesul is just as smart and cunning as Sisyphus; he uses his skills, his brain and his talent to help people. So it's a bit disturbing because already from looking at him, it's unfortunate he's destined for a futile, sad ending; he's destined to be punished by powers be, for being an obstacle. And will you have it, the whole plot revolves around him being chased by people who want to get rid of him because it seems he's found a way to prevent d*ath and prolong the lifespan of the people he loves. What a surprise. Honestly, it's that simple; the boulder represents him having to take on weight constantly because of his actions and live with that repeatedly being chased by the thing he tried to avoid. The episodes scream that it's because he tried to bring back his brother from the past, but the thing is, there's more to the myth of Sisyphus than just this outline. So before we can truly understand the big picture and where this plot is, we need to truly go back and understand the real story of Sisyphus, the myth. 

Let's go back. So yes, Sisyphus is cunning, smart, witty, he has many moments since he's apparently a king, royal full of influence and power. He really cares about protecting people, including himself, yet the way people see him is actually harmful. They see him as childish, sneaky, heartless and a player. Surprise. The thing is, this is precisely how we are introduced to Taesul. He's a big flirt, a big child who complains and acts immaturely with his company. He's someone of influence, in fact, significant impact; so much money and prominence, and yet he doesn't seem like he cares about anything. So yes, you can understand why people have a wrong perspective of our Sisyphus. However, he doesn't want to care about anything because he's self-destructive, broken by the guilt of letting pride, money and greed stop him from preventing his brother from being eliminated.

 And it's something that lives with him every day; in fact, he's dependent on self-medication to get rid of the haunting figment of his brother. Now he says he doesn't care about people and others, but we know he's lying; he's clearly someone who's destined to protect, he does care even when he acts nonchalant, for example, saving a whole plane from crashing and hurting people, especially when he has said he is waiting and has been excited to leave the world, if he were selfish he would have let the plane crash, he didn't care as he said, but something in him still went back and provided the solution to help. 

So this is really vital, this idea of Sisyphus being misunderstood by people in a way he's actually with a saviour complex, he protects, and he saves people with what he has yet even his actions are deemed evil or selfish or a natural disaster for them. So again, it's obvious the plot is based on whatever he has done to create this apocalyptic future we see in the show that is being misunderstood. The people who are out to get him are seeing him and hating him when in reality, it's obvious this was meant to better the world/ also himself because as much as Sisyphus has a saviour complex, it doesn't mean he's selfless; in fact, he's a very selfish character, he'll put his own needs above the world at times. This is where Taesul will make a mistake. Because for him, his only goal is to bring back his brother, even when warned he shouldn't, even when there are hints that him unveiling the truth will lead to suffering and the end of the world as we know it, it's still all he wants to do. Is it just that though? I'm getting ahead of my self I still need to break down this myth. 

The Problem with Cunningness

So Sisyphus is someone with cunningness, knowledgeable and powerful, so when the first time he sees an opportunity to get rid of this thing we call mortality for people (not just him), he's punished when the gods aren't happy. Especially the god of war himself, Ares, who is frustrated at Sisyphus for chaining de*ath,  Ares is upset; he is annoyed that Sisyphus is getting in his way, making people lose the meaning of war, what's the fun of war if no one is being removed? Which is interesting because we also find out in Sisyphus that Taesul's actions and mistakes and his own demise will lead to a war that will end everything and some organisation isn't happy they were at the losing end of that war. They hated the result of Taesul being alive to either cause or prevent that war. So they're sending people from the future who look creepy as hell and also like don't have limbs because they're rushing the process of uploading or just using a fake uploader with more errors (not yet sure which), but they are here with one goal; to get rid of Taesul, like Ares. Wow.

 So Sisyphus punishment is actually that he is eliminated and sent to the underworld. Wait, so it wasn't the boulder that was his first punishment; his first punishment was to be chased by De*ath (I'm going to find another name for this we're gonna say D  because of this stupid flagging system in Tumblr) just like Taesul is suffering in the present time in our show. Oh, okay, so where do we get the other punishment, the one Sisyphus is really known for. This is where the plot of this show unfolds, surprisingly. Because there's another character connected in this Sisyphean myth, Seohae, meaning Sisyphus had a wife. So when Sisyphus ends up, you know, getting axed, he still has a few tricks up his sleeves; he asks his wife to do something for him, not to bury him or respect his body wishes appropriately, in fact, to drop him naked in the middle of the city (that's obviously a parallel to how people are being downloaded into the past in the show visually). So because he did this, he's able to trick Hades and Persephone into letting them allow him to run back to the past to his wife to have a go at her, to tell her she didn't respect his wishes. And oh boy, oh boy, does he end up again evading D. Genius, in fact, he ends up going back to his wife and staying a very long time because it was his plan all along; he wasn't back to the underworld; they were all chumps who allowed his escape. So Sisyphus is a funny character, he chooses to go back, and he again avoids D; however, when he finally reaches his old age, he has to face everyone, including the gods; Zeus isn't happy with Sis; he says it's a bit of an insult really for what he has done, so Zeus basically punishes him with that godforsaken boulder. 

Okay, hold, that's a lot to unpack. So what happened here is we're still seeing Taesul as Sisyphus in this second part of the myth, right? So he's going to find a way to avoid Sigma always and survive, but we know he doesn't. His story ends truly when his demise leads to the war if we're following a timeline mentioned by Seohae. So what is this second punishment about a boulder?  Because this is the most crucial plot for every Sisyphus myth. 

Our Surprise Sisyphus

Well, look at it carefully;

 it has themes of running back to the past to criticise a lover,

 it has themes of trying to prevent a lovers demise, 

it has themes of futility and repetitive actions, it has themes of being punished by a powerful source,

 it also has themes of someone who is rebellious and doesn't want to let D win. 

It's Seohae. And that blew my mind. We don't have one Sisyphus in the storyline; we have two. The show's title is Sisyphus the myth because the love of these two is actually the role of Sisyphus; let me explain. 

The first acquaintance with D is Taesul's story he's the one who invents a way to chain D and then is punished by being taken by D. The person who ends up wanting him to save himself is not himself in this show; it's Seohae her whole goal, her whole reason to want to go back is also to evade D for her mother (she mentions this in episode 1 to her father) but also to stop Taesul from being eliminated, to stop the war but more of all because she loves him, she's married to him, they're meant to be lovers. However, she doesn't have all her memories of everything. All she knows is that another version of her self has told her she needs to go back in time to warn Taesul, so he doesn't make this mistake, so they live happily together after marriage, and the war doesn't happen. 

Ohhh, that's what's happening. So who's Zeus, you ask? It's the ICB, the Control Borough, that has to find balance and makes things right with all of the time travellers; they're looking for Seohae because she's illegal; she's not meant to be doing what she is doing. Just like Zeus has to intervene to punish Sis. So alright, we're getting there, we have Taesul, he's going to do something to avoid D, but unfortunately, he is going to be found by D because someone does not want him to succeed. Okay, however, we have Seohae; she is in love with Taesul and is determined to keep him safe. Hence, she finds a way to go back and warn him to prevent D from finding him; she essentially tricks the system to find and save the world, but also selfishly to go live a happy life with the guy she loves. So what's this about this boulder then?

The boulder; A heavy frustrating punishment

 Well, unfortunately for our two characters, it's pretty apparent Taesul always ends up being eliminated #, and it always leads to the war that destroyed earth. But also we know Seohae gets shot; during her wedding, she also is fated to suffer and be eliminated if she goes back to save Taesul. Her father warns her repeatedly about this. She doesn't listen. The clue here is the boulder keeps on being pushed; Sisyphus is in a constant struggle of the futility of his punishment; he can't escape; he is tied to this boulder to keep trying to push it to a destination, but all he does is repeatedly keep pushing the boulder infinitely.

Oh, wait, a show about time travel, a show about the futility of trying to change the past, a show where the future versions can go back with regret and meet their past versions which make the same mistakes over and over again, no matter how much Seohae tries to stop Taesul from opening the stupid suitcase that starts everything, he always opens it, it's useless, they're in a time loop. Each time he always creates the uploader, and each time the war happens, Seohae returns to stop him from being eliminated each time they always fail, and Seohae somehow leaves her diary telling her next self to do the same. It's an eternal loop. She's stuck being punished for carrying that weight, constantly relive that story over and over again, to try and save Taesul; her destination is always the start again. Like Sisyphus with the boulder. 

The only thing is why does she not remember or why is she acting like she doesn't remember, because it's different versions of her, it's a paradox, she always goes to find her next self, and she leaves that diary starting this all over again, her next self has now instructions always telling her to find Taesul, to save him and when she's going to be eliminated. (her wedding probably). Each time she goes back to save Taesul, she falls in love with him, they get closer to the wedding, and she gets shot. For Taesul, we see that the wedding leads to him making an ultimate decision, remember Sisyphus evades D twice. Seohae does this all the time to escape D for her mum and Taesul.

Meanwhile, Taesul only does this to avoid it for Tae san, his brother. Who is the second person? It's Seohae. They're Sisyphus for each other, surprise, Seohae ends up becoming Sisyphus always to try to prevent Taesul's demise and the war, but Taesul has a choice on the wedding day to choose either Seohae's life, or the world, what do you think he chooses? That's why I think he continually invents the uploader because of her, to save her, more than anything else. He always chooses futilely to save her above the results of the war. In doing so, he always ends up being the one who gets eliminated, but she always ends up determined to prevent that situation. 

Her dad was indeed right; she shouldn't meet with him; they both are in this repetitive loop, and the world is always a victim because of it. See how Sisyphus can try to be good and protective but still be seen as evil, a disaster, and a curse. So, in the end, both Seohae and Taesul are Sisyphus; both are punished every time. One by Taesul continually being caught and two by Seohae constantly losing her memories and forcing her self to repeat the journey again, to push that boulder over and over again. But with TKEM, we entered a timeline where change could happen after being stuck in an infinite loop forever, and that's interesting. With this show with how many times it seems Seohae has always written more instructions each time she travels, could we be in the timeline where things may become different? 

Sisyphus; A chance to change the past futilely

It seems like it more things are being revealed to them, that might be new information, Jung apologising and realising his mistake in probably being the one who takes Seohae's life in the wedding because he thinks she's evil (lied to by ICB) might be a new occurrence in this new timeline. There's more information slowly being added each time we do this time loop; the question is, where are we now? As I said, I don't know the science or calculations needed to understand the time travel aspect of the show, but that is important. 

So we have a star crossed romance that is being torn between the claws of D, two people punished continuously for just wanting to be with each other and putting the world at risk. We've seen what the results of Taesul's actions lead to; it leads to an apocalypse, a disaster and more; we've seen his stubbornness and determination not to let that stop him. All he wants is to evade D for his loved ones. But Seohae also becomes like that; she's also stubborn, also determined just like him to protect her loved ones despite both being advised not to do anything more, not to shake fate, not to mess around with time and life. Still, they never listen; they've put themselves in a time loop where they're being punished, and their punishment leads them again to do the same thing because of their desperate need to be together. 

It's heartbreaking; however, there's a slight hope for a happy ending, one because this director does stories of couples torn apart by forces and things they can't control (Master's sun, Dr Strange etc...) being tied to each other's downfall and growth, being pulled away no matter how desperate they want each other. Their need to be with each other puts others at harm, but he always ends it in a happy ending. Sisyphus actually gets his goal a bit, not how he wants it, but he gets to live a long life with the woman he loves. However, it's after he lives that life; he goes back to being punished. So maybe this timeline Seohae may succeed and live the married life she wanted with Taesul (she does not know she loves him, she will fall for him repeatedly each time they do a loop, both of them always do); however, the sad truth is it was not her first version/authentic version that got to live that happy ever after,  it might be this version though who knows? Either way, her original (her first-ever version, always suffered and had to be the one to push that eternal boulder with no end, she didn't get to see her ending) but this one or another future version may do. Taesul also has a chance to have a happy ending because even though his story ends with the first part of Sisyphus, Sisyphus finds a way to get out of the underworld and go back to his wife, so again it's like yeah, his first version did get punished, did get eliminated, failed, but this version or a future version may get a chance to spend that time with this Seohae. 

Do you get me? It's not their original versions that get the happy ending, but it's still them that gets a chance to live old and have a happy life. So I'm hopeful, is what I'm trying to say. Thought that infinite loop of futility and failure to escape mistakes isn't a great sign. Let me know what you think about Sisyphus so far. Are you like me? Are you intrigued by this love story, and what are your theories? Let me know. 

[bonjour-rainycity]

Double Heart | Chapter Sixteen ~ Cosima

|previous part|

Pairing: Haldir x OFC

Rating: PG-13

Word count: 3021

Warnings: None

A/n Every chapter, you all make me smile so much <3 Thank you!

Haldir leaves and I let out something halfway between an exhale and a groan.

What. Was. That.

My room, which is a very respectable size, felt like a matchbox as the space between Haldir and I minimized. He went from weeks of keeping a consistent physical barrier between us to ghosting his hands over my arms, my hips, my waist…It’s…new.

And when he held me close, his chest so nearly brushing against my back—

I shake my head against the onslaught of scenarios that run through my mind.

I should not be thinking of him this way.

Haldir is a friend, a guide, an instructor, nothing more.

I let out a deep breath and begin to pace, trying to work off this newfound energy. Haldir and I trained for nearly two hours, I should be exhausted. Instead, I feel wide awake, invigorated, jittery, like I couldn’t possibly go to sleep. I groan, taking my hair out of its bun and letting it fall around me. I stop in my tracks, glancing at the spot where Haldir and I stood so close together just moments ago.

I cannot stay here.

I tear through the open door, turning right and taking the staircase that leads to the first floor. I turn left and, before I know it, I’m standing in front of Alex’s closed door.

I knock.

The door creaks open. “Hey,” he greets, opening it wider to allow me in. “What’s up?”

“I uh,” I purse my lips, having not really thought through my plan. I do need a distraction though, and being out of my room is already helping clear the fog from my brain. My eyes catch a pile of books on his nightstand. “I came to help you research, if that’s okay.”

His face lights up. “Yeah! Yeah, of course. I’ve read those three so far,” he gestures to a small stack by the window, “and there’s nothing helpful in them. Everything else in English is fair game. Is there anything specific you want to look into?”

“Fæs.” I’m surprised that the answer comes to me so easily, but as soon I speak the word, I know it’s true — I do want to learn more.

Alex nods slowly. “Yeah, okay, I think I’ve got a couple books on that here. Let me….” He trails off, spinning in a circle as he searches for a specific volume. “Ah.” He squats down and grabs a book near the foot of his bed, reaching it up to me.

An image of Haldir, crouched on the ground, hand warm against my ankle, staring up at me with such intensity, so much confidence—

Alex stands and I look to the ceiling, trying to will away the image and the feelings that come rushing along with it.

“What makes you want to learn about fæs? Isn’t that an elf thing?”

I purse my lips, stalling until the embarrassment fades enough to look Alex in the eye. “Haldir mentioned that humans have their own version of a fæ — a little weaker, a little different, but generally the same concept.” An idea begins to take form, and I roll with it. “I was wondering if—assuming that our fæs remained unchanged between our homeworld and Arda—well, if we could use it somehow, tap into it and reclaim our memories. If anything were to remember, wouldn’t it be our spirits?”

Alex nods slowly, a grin tugging at the edges of his lips. “That’s actually not a bad idea. Great thinking! Let me know if you find anything.”

He settles into the couch, leaving the bed for me. Gratefully, I cozy up against the pillows. I open the book, skimming the introductory chapter, which is basically just a summary of the core concepts Haldir has already explained to me. When I’m on chapter three, the sky passes firmly into night, and even the plethora of candles Alex has lit aren’t enough to keep my eyes from straining.

I pull my knees to my chest and lean forward, glancing over at my friend. His cheeks — which had been gaunt when we first reunited, now take a healthy shape. His shoulders no longer hold vestiges of tension — they lean relaxed, leisurely, against the back of the couch. Even in the limited light, he squints his eyes and continues to read, seeming intent on soaking up as much knowledge as he can.

I rest my chin on my knees. “I need to ask you something.”

He looks up, his eyebrows drawing together in concern. “Okay?”

“Are you alright?”

He sighs, shifting in his seat. “Cosima…”

“No,” I protest. I don’t care if it’s uncomfortable, he needs to talk about things. He’s been bottling it up since he arrived in this world and it hasn’t done anyone any good. “I mean it.”

Alex groans, shaking his head. “Fine, okay. It’s…strange.” He pauses, but I wait, holding out hope that he’ll continue. He does so, slowly. “I’ve…gotten myself to accept that I’m in a different world, but I can’t wrap my mind around the how. That’s stressful. We don’t have a solid plan to return home, nor do we know if we’ll find one. That’s depressing. And, I have flashes and snippets of memories, but otherwise, I feel like I don’t know who I am.”

My heart breaks. Here my friend is, hurting, lost…

And I’ve left him completely alone.

Alex tilts his head to the side, contemplating. “But I do feel better than when we arrived, or even just from a few days ago. Having things to do, feeling useful and like I have agency for the first time…it’s really good for me. And, well,” he dips his head then raises it again, leveling his eyes on me. “It’s helped me realize something else — that I owe you an apology.”

I blink in surprise. I’ve been the one that has pretty much abandoned and ignored him. I should be apologizing.

“On the road, I said some pretty mean things, and I isolated you from your friends and tried to take control. I didn’t mean for it to be like that. I was…” he sighs, shaking his head, “scared out of my mind. I already felt like I couldn’t do anything to fix the problem, and then on top of that I felt like you had completely given up and it was my job to save us both. And I know now that’s not the case, but for a while…” He trails off, shrugging his shoulders. “You’re just more adaptable than I am, I guess.”

I push myself off the bed, cross the room, and sit next to him on the small couch. Automatically, he throws an arm over my shoulder, the movement so familiar and easy that he must have done it a thousand times before. I lay my head on his shoulder, the bone there pressing against my ear.

I take a deep breath. “If we had really been kidnapped, or injured, or anything more realistic than what actually happened,” he gives a small, tired laugh, the movement shaking his shoulder, “you would’ve been the one to get us out. I know it. Even now, you’re the one putting in all the hard work to get us home. I’m sorry I’ve pretty much left you to handle it alone.”

He squeezes my upper arm gently. “I appreciate it, but I don’t blame you. I get it.” He shrugs again, a measure of sadness creeping into his voice. “It’s not like you remember anyone enough to miss them. If you have people you like here, of course you’d focus on them.”

I feel my lips pull into a guilty frown. “They like you too, you know. You all just need to spend some more time together—”

“Nah,” he shakes his head, pushing a smile onto his face. “It’s okay, honestly — we just don’t click. But I have you, and Baranor and I get along well, and I have this project to work on. It’s enough for me.”

I sigh, resting my head against his chest. I hope that’s true.

{***}

At breakfast, Lavandil and I make plans to meet at her shop. She gives me directions and I hurry up the stairs to my room, changing out of my tunic and leggings and into something a little more fun for my first day of work. I settle on a dark purple gown, one that billows down my arm in puffy gossamer sleeves and has a slight, sparkly train. I’m probably a bit overdressed, but knowing Lavandil’s extravagant wardrobe, I’ll fit in just fine. I bound down the staircase, eager to discover the market and the shop. I turn left, intent on exiting the building.

And crash into the middle of someone’s chest.

Hands grip my upper arms, steadying me as I stumble back. Once I’m righted, I look up, and my mouth falls open.

“Cosima—”

“Haldir—”

Both of us freeze, having spoken at the same time. I purse my lips, waiting for him to go first. He raises an eyebrow, evidently expecting the same of me.

But I can’t make the words happen. His hands on my arms send my mind right back to the tension of last night, to the room that started light and open and turned more intimate than it should as the night went on.

Haldir’s arms fall to his sides. “I’m sorry, I didn’t see you turning the corner. Are you alright?”

I nod, my eyes darting from his chest clothed in a cobalt blue tunic up to his eyes. The intensity from last night is gone, now replaced with a noticeable degree of hesitance.

Interesting.

Did he feel something last night, too? Or does he know I did, and now feels awkward around me?

That last thought sends a wave of stress through me. Was I horribly obvious? Have I messed everything up?

“Are you off to Lavandil’s shop,” he inquires, pulling my mind away from these anxiety-inducing thoughts.

“Yes.”

He quirks a smile. “Then I imagine you will be seeing a lot of my brother today. He has a tendency to hang around there.”

“Probably a result of him being in love with the shop-owner,” I quip, voice going high with nerves.

He raises an eyebrow. “Yes, I suppose that would do it.”

We fall into awkward silence.

Haldir clears his throat. “Well, enjoy your day.”

“You too,” I nod, crossing paths with him to exit the building.

Once outside, I take in a gulping breath.

Did I create all that weirdness? Or is he struggling to figure out how to act around me, too? And why?

Things have never been strained or awkward between myself and Haldir. Once he got over his initial suspicion of me, we got along easily. I feel like he understands me better than the others and, if I had to pick a favorite, as Rumil prompted me not so long ago, it would be, without question, the supposedly-stern Marchwarden leading our company. And, based on the amount of time he spends with me of his own accord, I would say he enjoys my presence, too.

So, that begs the question, what could have happened to turn all that ease on its head and replace it with stilted, awkward, unsure interactions? We were fine until last night—

I suck in a breath.

My brain, apparently useless until I looked the issue straight in the eye, starts piecing together instances of my time with Haldir, forming a terrifying and exhilarating picture.

Sleeping between me and the entrance to our camp so I wouldn’t be frightened. Spending hours alone with me lying on a blanket staring up at the stars. The way he panicked and looked after me when I had my migraine. Big things like that and smaller ones, too — the way he teases me, the way he always makes sure I’m cared for, whether that means sharing from his canteen or sending me with food when I’m likely to miss dinner. The way he’s conscious of my fears—heights, orcs, you name it—and provides support without coddling me, enabling me to handle and face them on my own. The way his arms, so gentle yet so secure, held me close, even for just the smallest of moments.

Could we…have feelings for each other?

Could this rapid and strong attachment to an ellon I met mere weeks ago be something other than friendship?

With a sinking feeling in my gut, the momentary rush of excitement falls into something much more sinister. Something that, in any other world would be a wonderful, thrilling feeling—the one I am developing feelings for maybe, potentially, might see me the same way—is here, horrifying.  

Because elves live forever and love only once.

And a human lifespan is dismally short.

Rumil’s face after our conversation yesterday, crestfallen and saddened, comes to my mind.

If my mere friendship with these ellyn will cause them grief when I’m gone, then even entertaining these thoughts about Haldir….

It’s deplorable.

From the heart of the city, the bell chimes. I’m late to meet Lavandil.

I shove down the ache that makes my lips quiver and hurry down the path that will lead me to the market.

The distraction of working with Lavandil will be my lifeline.

I cannot allow my feelings for Haldir progress any further. So, though I’m not sure how effective I’ll be, I swear not to think about him for the rest of the day.

{***}

“What happened last night between you and Haldir?”

Damn.

I made it two hours.

I swallow, trying to seem busy as I hang a tapestry on a display. “What?”

Lavandil comes up beside me, using her height to hang the art properly. “Rumil told Orophin who told me that Haldir came back from training with you and seemed quite flustered.”

My body runs hot. “Did he?”

“Mhm,” she nods decisively. “Apparently he returned to the room in a rush, wouldn’t say a thing, and then spent over three hours at the training grounds, sparring quite harshly with some of the guard.”

Even though the tapestry is hung, I pretend to fuss with it, not brave enough to meet Lavandil’s eyes. “Nothing happened. Maybe he just wanted a better workout — I can’t imagine I was much of a challenge.” I try for a joke, and mercifully, she gives me a pity laugh.

Her demeanor softens. “Cosima, you know there’s nothing wrong with having an attraction, or even feelings.”

“Of course there’s something wrong with it,” I shriek, much louder than I meant to. I look at her with wide eyes, surprised by my outburst.

Thankfully, no one is in the shop, and Lavandil only regards me with calm eyes, no judgement in them.

“I’m sorry,” I hurry to apologize, sitting myself in a chair at a nearby table. On top of it sits a beautiful garnet tablecloth — Lavandil’s work. She sits across from me.

“It’s alright,” she smiles kindly, resting her elbows on the table to mirror me. “I had a similar disposition when I realized I loved Orophin.”

“I don’t love him,” I correct quickly.

She puts her hands up in the sign for surrender, though her bottom lip pulls like she’s trying not to make a face.

“I don’t,” I insist, putting effort into keeping my tone non-angry. I lower my voice, worried, perhaps irrationally, that Haldir himself will go waltzing by and hear my dreadful confession. “It’s, at most, an interest, and probably not even that. Likely more of a curiosity.”

“Well, interests are nothing to be ashamed of.” Her tone matches my low volume and carries in it a gentleness I could never hope to emulate.

“Yes, they do!” My voice drops to nearly a whisper. “Lavandil, he is an elf. You know I’m human. The two don’t mix well.”

She huffs. “There’s nothing to say that. An elleth here, Arwen—”

“Is walking into a tragedy,” I cut her off.

Lavandil’s eyes narrow. “Too many people see it that way, and it is getting quite old. Do you know what I see? Two souls in love. Though their futures are bleak and incompatible, their presents are filled with joy and love and the connection that can only come from two fæs who want each other so badly finally bonded. They would still face pain if they ignored their love for each other — so why not give themselves what joy they can?”

“But she will die—”

Now it’s Lavandil’s turn to interrupt. “Arwen is fully grown. She is wise, and I trust that she knows herself well enough to make the choices she has. Her life is ultimately her own. She can spend it how she pleases.”

I press my lips together, head falling to stare at the deep red tablecloth. Despite Lavandil’s conviction, her words do nothing to allay my fears.

The only thing that awaits an elf bonded with a human is grief and death.

Arwen may have made her choice, but so have I made mine.

“Rumil said elves can take centuries to fall in love. Is that true?”

Lavandil pauses, caught off guard with my change in topic. “I-in some cases, yes. More that it could potentially take that long for an elf to admit they are in love. Often, even if they are not ready to accept it, their fæs know. And even then, that is the timeline in the most rare of cases. You know, for Orophin and I it only took a matter of—”

I raise my eyes to her, pleading. “Lavandil.”

She sighs, staring at me like she wishes I had asked her something else. “Fine, yes. Elves fall slower than humans.”

I take in a deep breath, nodding.

Good.

Because if I have only just noticed these feelings, chances are, if Haldir were to follow suit, he is way behind. The instance Lavandil described from last night, the other hints that show he might be feeling something…I can end them now.

I have time to stop this.

I have time to save him.

A/n So, funny thing, @errruvande got pretty close to guessing Cosima’s reaction to realizing her feelings for Haldir, so shout out to Liza!!! Seriously though, love her, love her blog, I’d definitely recommend checking her account out! Thank you all for reading! 

|next part|

|masterlist|

Tolkien tag list: @anangelwhodidntfall @eru-vande 

Haldir tag list: @tolkien-apologist

Double Heart tag list: @lainphotography @themerriweathermage @thophil2941btw @kenobiguacamole @wishingtobeinadifferentuniverse @from-patroclus-with-love @boywivlove @ordinarymom1 @my-darling-haldir @sweet-bea-blossom @moony-artnstuff

[cryingcow]

Character Story - Yuki (2006) [RGGO]

The next few stories will be about three very beautiful, very elegant, very alive ladies (which should narrow it down quite a lot lol). First up: She’s single! She’s 39! She’s probably addicted to gacha games! It’s Yuki!!

Story: Yuki learns that her father is ill, and wants to show him that she is reliable and capable so that he won’t pass on with regrets. Everyone tries to help her maintain the lie because she is, in fact, neither reliable nor capable. Majima gives a speech about the power of friendship.

(Featuring the 3 different artstyles of RGGO-verse: anime, paint-y, and Dragon Engine; all in the same weird screenshot!)

Majima & Youda: “We love you, Yuki-chan. Even if you’re dumb, and clumsy, and stupid, and gullible . . .”

Yuki: “. . . I wish I had better friends.”

.

CHAPTER 1

.

|Four Shine wins the Cabaret Club Grand Prix, and became a popular cabaret club after that . . . The temporary club manager Kiryu leaves Sotenbori, so the owner Yuki and the club manager Youda handle the club in place of three people.|

|Four Shine, Sotenbori.|

Waiter: “Kirara has been nominated for Table No. 2! Bring a wet towel for Table No. 4!”

Yuki: “Phew~ . . . I’m even busier than usual . . . Oh? Koyuki-chan, you look pale. Maybe you’re sick?”

Koyuki: “. . . I couldn’t sleep much yesterday. But it’s fine. We’re short on staff today.”

Yuki: “No, no! What if you break your body! Please go home now and get some rest!”

Koyuki: “But the 5th table . . .”

Yuki: “No buts! I’ll do something about your absence, just leave it to me!”

Koyuki: “I . . . I understand. But, I want to work once I feel better, so I’ll just rest here in the back.”

{Koyuki leaves to take a break.}

Yuki: “Indeed . . . Koyuki-chan is a hard worker.”

Waiter: “Yuki-san. Where is Koyuki-san? Table No. 5 has been waiting for a while now . . .”

Yuki: “Eh?! Table No. 5?! That’s right, I forgot . . . Koyuki-chan is resting right now. What should I do . . .”

Waiter: “If Koyuki-san can’t do it, then I guess they can wait a little longer, Aika-san would be available then . . .”

Yuki: “Y-Yeah, yeah! I’m sorry, please do that . . . ! I’ll go apologize to the customer later . . . !”

{The waiter leaves to give Table No. 5 the news.}

Yuki: “Haa . . . I said to leave it to me but then I completely forgot . . . I’m losing my mind . . .”

Cast Member Erica: “Uuugh . . . Yuki-san . . .”

Yuki: “Oh?! What’s wrong, Erica-chan? Isn’t it your day off . . . ?”

Cast Member Erica: “I . . . I was dumped by my boyfriend . . . I was feeling sad and lonely . . . so I came here . . .”

Yuki: “Oh . . . Don’t cry Erica-chan. I’m sure you’ll find a better boyfriend. And even if you don’t have a boyfriend, it’s fun! It’s great to be able to play online games by yourself at home!”

Cast Member Erica: “I-Is that okay for Yuki-san? Even though you’re 39 years old, you haven’t had a crisis about having no boyfriend . . .”

Yuki: “Eh?! I-I . . . ? I-Is that actually bad after all . . . ?”

Cast Member Erica: “Well, I guess it depends on the person . . . you’re 39 years old. If you like older men, would you like me to introduce one to you?!”

Yuki: “Don’t mention my age so much . . . you’re making me depressed. At the very least, Erica-chan seems to be feeling much better.  . . . Oh!! Look at the time! Youda-san wanted us to talk about shifts!”

----

Yuki: “Ah, I’m here . . . but, is he on the phone?”

Youda (on the phone): “. . . I want to go to the amusement park with my family too, but as the club manager, I can’t take a day off on a busy Friday. So maybe next time, when everyone’s schedule lines up again . . . yes, I’m sorry.”

{Youda hangs up.}

Yuki: “Youda-san. Are you talking about next Friday? You can take a day off if you want to go with your family!”

Youda: “Eh?! Ah, Yuki-chan. No, that’s not the case . . .”

Yuki: “It’s not a problem. I’ll do something about it when the day comes. You should enjoy yourself with your family once in a while!”

Youda: “. . . Thank you, Yuki-chan. Your words have brought me happiness.”

----

Yuki: “. . . Ah, this is bad, this is bad! Before I forget, I should make a note of the change in Youda-san’s schedule . . . Is Takada also on break that day . . . he said he’d be on a date with his girlfriend so he’ll be taking a day off. Oh? Shirota is also taking that day off. That means . . . there are no waiters for that day?! I’ve done it now . . . how can I do this without Youda-san . . . But it’ll be hard for me to say he should work again . . .”

Youda: “Hey, Yuki-chan. I’m grateful for you giving me next Friday off. Thanks to that, both my wife and daughter were happy.”

Yuki: “I-Is that right . . . I’m happy for you . . . Haha . . .”

{Yuki’s phone rings.}

Yuki: “. . . Hello? My dad’s . . . you’re a colleague of my dad? . . . Eh? He collapsed and was brought to the hospital?! What . . . What should I do . . . I . . . What should I do . . .”

Youda: “Go do what you need to do! Leave the club to me . . . go on!”

Yuki: “. . . Yes. Youda-san, thank you very much. Excuse me . . . everyone, please let me through!”

----

{Yuki bumps into someone on her way out.}

Yuki: “Ah! S-Sorry . . . I’m in a hurry . . .”

Rough-looking Man: “Oi, oi . . . that hurt, Neechan . . . my bone is broken where you hit it. I think the cost of treatment’s gonna be pretty high.”

Yuki: “B-Broken bone?! Are you okay?!”

???: “If you can get a broken bone from getting hit by a girl, you’re a pretty pathetic man~.”

Rough-Looking Man: “Oh? Who’s that?”

Majima: “Hi~hihi! Awfully hostile for a weak kink! Are you a masochist looking to experience some pain?”

Yuki: “Ma-Majima-san!”

Majima: “Yo, Yuki-chan. I was in the area so I dropped by . . . but it looks like you’re in a hurry! I’ll handle this pathetic Niichan. You should get going.”

Yuki: “Th-Thank you very much . . . Please excuse me. I’ll pay the treatment fee later!”

{Yuki runs off.}

Rough-Looking Man: “You let that Neechan go without my permission. Are you paying for my treatment fee instead?”

Majima: “No one’s paying. Unlike Yuki-chan, I ain’t a fool who believes ya actually broke a bone.”

Rough-Looking Man: “. . . So I guess you’re not paying up obediently. If you go against me, you’re paying for your own treatment!”

{Majima beats up the guy.}

----

Yuki: “Haa . . . Haa . . . My dad’s hospital room . . . is here . . .”

???: “I’m . . . so terrible . . .”

Yuki: “. . . ?!”

Yuki’s Father: “. . . Doctor. Please keep it secret from my daughter. My daughter . . . I don’t want her to know. How much longer do I have . . .”

Doctor: “. . . Around 1 month.”

Yuki: (1 month?! My dad only has 1 month to live?! So . . . to not make me sad . . . Dad has been trying to keep his illness from me . . .)

Doctor: “Excuse me.”

{The doctor leaves, and Yuki enters the room.}

Yuki: “D-Dad . . . Are you okay? I heard you fell down . . .”

Yuki’s Father: “Oh, Yuki . . . you came. It’s not anything major . . . nothing to worry about.”

Yuki: “Is that so . . . that’s good.”

Yuki: (That’s a lie . . . it’s really a major illness. But . . . it’s a lie he’s telling just for me . . . so I can’t say I know it’s a lie . . .)

Yuki’s Father: “That’s right. So . . . urkk!!”

Yuki: “?!”

Yuki’s Father: “Oh, it’s nothing bad . . . I just got a big hiccup, hahaha.”

Yuki: (. . . that’s also a lie. I’m sure he’s sick and his body is in tatters . . . to be enduring such pain . . .)

Yuki: “Dad . . . I’m going to the bathroom for a while.”

{Yuki leaves and starts pacing outside the room, crying.}

Yuki: Uuugh . . . Don’t cry. It makes no sense for my dad to hide his illness so desperately.”

Yuki’s Father: “. . . Haa. I hope Yuki’s alright.”

Yuki: “. . . !”

Yuki’s Father: “I can’t help but worry about the future of that child.”

Yuki: “Dad . . . he’s worried about leaving me all alone. It’s because I’m not reliable . . . If Dad is worried about me, he’ll die with regrets . . . That’s not good! I have to let him know I can make it on my own . . . I have to reassure him at least . . . !”

{Yuki marches back in the room.}

Yuki’s Father: “So Yuki . . . is work going well?”

Yuki: “it’s going really well! It’s going so well, I’m actually worried about needing to expand the club!”

Yuki’s Father: “Well, that’s good. Isn’t Yuki’s clumsiness causing trouble for the club?”

Yuki: “Ughh . . . speaking of which, earlier today . . .”

Yuki: (I shouldn’t . . . I have to reassure him . . . ! He has to know I’m not a bad owner!)

Yuki: “Don’t you know, I’m not the same Yuki anymore? I’m called a charismatic owner now. I’m so reliable, everyone in the club is piggyback riding on me! So I’ve been busy lately!”

Yuki’s Father: “I see . . . Yuki has become great too. Okay. Can I come see the club tomorrow? I want to see the work of a charismatic owner.”

Yuki: “Eh?! Come see me work?! But you’re ill . . .”

Yuki’s Father: “I’ll talk to my doctor about it. It won’t interfere with your work, right?”

Yuki: “Y-Yup. Of course. I, I, I . . . I’ll show you what a charismatic owner looks like.”

----

|Four Shine.|

Yuki: “Hiii~! Everyone, Wh-What should I do~!!”

Koyuki: “You really went all out by saying you’re a charismatic owner . . .”

Youda: “Moreover, your dad is dropping by tomorrow . . . you don’t have time to grow up . . .”

Majima: “Hihihi, then I have no choice but to show off my charisma skills to Yuki-chan!”

Yuki: “You’re going to help me Majima-san?! Thank you so much!”

Youda: “Making Yuki-chan look charismatic . . . It’s a difficult problem, but I have no choice but to do it.”

Koyuki: “For Yuki-san . . . we’ll overcome any troubles!”

Majima: “Alright! Let’s turn the stupid, stupid Yuki-chan into a person full of charisma!”

Koyuki & Youda: “Yeah!”

Yuki: “It’s like being casually told something so cruel . . .”

.

-END-

.

CHAPTER 2

.

Yuki’s Father: “Sorry for bothering you. Oh, this is the first time I’ve seen it, but it’s a lively club.”

Yuki: “Fufu. That’s because it’s a club run by a charismatic owner like me. I’ve told everyone, so you can tour around as much as you like.”

Yuki’s Father: “Yeah. I want to see Yuki’s hard work. I’ll just be careful not to get in the way of everyone in the club.”

Majima: “. . . Alrighty then, Youda-han. Let’s start the operation. Ask away.”

Youda: “Please leave it to me!”

Youda: “Owner! I want to consult about our monthly sales.”

Yuki’s Father: “Oh, it’s Yuki’s turn right away . . . good luck, Yuki. I’ll be nearby.”

Youda: “Compared to last month, weekend sales have dropped by about 10%, what measures should we take?”

Yuki: “I see . . . last month was a busy month, we’ll need to deal with the decline immediately.”

Youda: (Good, Yuki-chan. Just like I taught you. Now just talk about the measures as it is. That way your dad will think you’re an owner who makes solid management decisions . . . Operation ‘Make Perfect Management Decisions’! Yuki-chan, tell me exactly what I taught you . . . !)

Yuki: “Since the seats are almost full by 7:00 PM, If we want to increase sales, we should consider opening at other times or making outdoor seating available. To the customers who come in early . . . you need to be ‘sensitive’.

Youda: (?! No, Yuki-chan! You need an ‘incentive’! You don’t need to be sensitive!)

Yuki: “Besides labor costs . . . you also need ‘Cosmo Cut’. Make a list of the things you need to buy in large quantities.”

Youda: (Yuki-chan! You’re supposed to say ‘cost cut’! Cosmo Cut is a special move . . . !)

Yuki: “I’ll do it, I’ll call our suppliers. I’ll be out for a while.”

{Yuki leaves.}

Yuki’s Father: “. . . Sensitive? Cosmo Cut?”

Youda: (No, no! He has doubts! At this rate, the hopeless owner will be revealed . . . I got it!)

Youda: “Oh, you might not know about it. Those are technical terms used in the nightlife industry.”

Yuki’s Father: “Oh, is that right?”

Youda: “Yes. ‘Sensitive’ means good customer service that enhances customer satisfaction and encourages future visits. ‘Cosmo Cut’ is a cost-cutting method where we purchase on a large scale, as large as the universe.”

Yuki’s Father: “I see! I was wondering if Yuki had made a mistake. I learned a lot. Thank you very much.”

Youda: (Phew~ . . . that’s good. Somehow I managed . . .)

Yuki: “Fufufu. How was it, Majima-san? I did it perfectly.”

Majima: “Yuki-chan, did you even notice you made a mistake . . . you should thank Youda-han later.”

Yuki: “Eh?! I-I made a mistake?!”

Majima: “No worries. Youda-han managed to fix it. Operation ‘Solve the Cast’s Worries!’ is ready to go, so it’s okay. Good luck.”

----

Koyuki: “Yuki-san. I have something to consult with you . . . is that okay?”

Yuki’s Father: “Oh, a consultation from the cast. Can I watch from nearby?”

Koyuki: “. . . Yes. No problem. Because you’re the father of the charismatic owner Yuki-san.”

Yuki’s Father: “Thank you! Then I’ll be close by. Good luck~ Yuki!”

Yuki: (It’s fine . . . Koyuki-chan is going to talk about customer service and I just have to give advice . . . I failed earlier . . . but I can’t make any more mistakes. I have to give solid advice as an owner.)

Koyuki: “Actually, I’m worried because the number of requests for me has decreased recently. How can I give good customer service that will increase my number of nominations?”

Yuki: “I see . . . That’s . . . um . . . hmm . . . That’s . . .”

Yuki: (Why is nothing good coming out of my mouth?! Wh-What do I do, what do I do!!)

Yuki’s Father: “Oh? Is something wrong, Yuki? If you keep silent, you won’t be able to give advice . . .”

Yuki: (Wh-Wh-Wh-Wh-Wh-Wh-What should I do?! Nothing’s coming out! My dad’s going to figure out the lie!)

Koyuki: “. . . I understand, Yuki-san. You’re saying I should find the solution myself.”

Yuki: “. . . Eh?!”

Koyuki: “Even if I think I’ll understand if I ask other people for help, I won’t really get it. Instead, I should think hard and figure it out myself . . . ! You did something as bold as shutting up, just so I’d be aware of it. Thank you very much! I’ll try my best!”

Yuki’s Father: “I see . . . It’s better to figure things out by yourself. To convey that through silence . . . Yuki has grown up.”

Yuki: “A-After all, there are things better communicated if unsaid . . .”

Yuki: (That’s good . . . thanks to Koyuki-chan’s wit, I managed to keep up the lie . . . Next, Majima-san’s friend will cause a ruckus and I’ll stop him in Operation ‘Don’t Tolerate Annoying Guests!’ . . . What kind of person is this Nishida-san who’s going to play as the annoying guest?)

Majima: “So, is it time to give the signal to Nishida and the others?”

Waiter: “Excuse me, Majima-san. A thug outside the club said to ‘give this to the man in an eyepatch with a Techno haircut’ . . .”

Majima: “Haa~, it’s hard being so popular.  . . . I’ll give the signal to Nishida and the others when I get back.”

----

Rough-Looking Man: “I thought I saw a similar guy entering this club . . . looks like I was right on the mark.”

Majima: “. . . Huh. You’re the weak Niichan from yesterday. Did you come back to have your bones broken for real?”

Rough-Looking Man: “This is the end of the line Eyepatch Guy! This time I brought a friend who prides himself on fights! We’ll kill you and sink you in Sotenbori River!!”

{Majima fights the guys.}

----

G.B. Holmes: “Nishida-san. Is it okay to rampage now?”

Nishida: “No! Stop, stop! We have to wait until Boss gives the signal. But what is the boss doing . . . it’s been too long since his last instruction . . .”

???: “Stop screwing around, idiot!!”

Nishida: “?!”

Waiter: “C-Customer. Please calm down.”

Troublesome Customer: “No way! I’m paying a lot of money for so few drinks!! I’ll teach you what happens when you try to scam me!! Bring me the person in charge!!”

Nishida: “Eh . . . ? Is that a real disruptive customer? We have to stop him . . . but . . . knowing Boss, he could have actually prepared someone other than us to make it a surprise . . .”

G.B. Holmes: “Would you like to go ask the boss . . . ?”

Nishida: “Yeah. It would be bad if we get in Yuki-san’s way . . . I’m sure Boss went out the club a while ago . . . Let’s go look for him, Gary!”

----

Troublesome Customer: “Where’s the person in charge!!”

Yuki: “The person in charge is here! I’m Yuki, the owner. If you have any complaints about our club, I’ll listen to them as much as you want!”

Yuki: (. . . I keep failing so far. I have to make a quick decision here and recover my honor! Even so . . . He’s a much scarier person than Majima-san said . . . this Nishida-san.)

.

-END-

.

CHAPTER 3

.

Troublesome Customer: “Where is the person in charge!!”

Yuki: “I’m Yuki, the owner. If you have any complaints about our club, I’ll listen to them as much as you want!”

Yuki’s Father: “That customer . . . that man looks like he’s yakuza . . . will Yuki be alright?”

Youda: “She’ll be fine. Yuki-san is a charismatic owner.”

Youda: (It’s a customer we prepared . . . but, I didn’t know Majima-san’s friend Nishida-san was this kind of person . . .)

Yuki: (Repel this disruptive customer prepared by Majima-san . . . I’ll show my dad what I can do! Show him I have a solid place . . . my dad with a low life expectancy . . . I’ll reassure him!)

Yuki: “This is my club! I won’t let you do anything! If you have any complaints, then settle your bill and please get out!”

Troublesome Customer: “You’re the owner? How dare you speak to your customers like that!!”

Yuki: (Huh . . . ? Nishida-san is supposed to run away if I say ‘get out’ . . . Did he not notice the cue for the little arrangement? I’ll say it more clearly . . .)

Yuki: “G . . . Get out!!”

Troublesome Customer: “Who are you to order me around!!”

Yuki: (Eeh . . . ?! He still hasn’t noticed?! It’s really spontaneous, Nishida-san. Maybe he’ll understand if I speak in a Kansai dialect? . . . Alright then!)

Yuki: “L-Let’s get out!!”

Troublesome Customer: “. . . Huh?”

Yuki: “Eh? Did I say it wrong? Then . . . Can’t get out! . . . Is it still wrong? How about . . . Please get out!”

Troublesome Customer: “What are you doing! Are you playing around!! I’m being serious!!”

Yuki: (Kansai dialect isn’t working . . . ?! I-I don’t know what more I can do!)

Yuki: “N-Nishida-san . . . I’m already saying your cue to turn back. Next time I say it . . . please run away.”

Troublesome Customer: “What the hell are you whispering!! And who is Nishida! I’m Kawano!!”

Yuki: “Ka-Kawano-san?!”

Troublesome Customer: “You keep saying a Miss like you is the owner, the owner! I was just having fun, just got a little handsy and rattled the pitcher a bit! I’m a customer who paid lots of money! How will you make up for making me feel bad!!”

Yuki: (He’s different from what I heard from Majima-san . . . This person, could it be . . . h-he’s a real disruptive customer?!)

----

Majima: “You’re a really stubborn guy . . . Hm?”

Nishida: “Boss! I have a little something to tell you . . . uguh!”

{Nishida suddenly gets Tachibana’d and drops to the ground. Fortunately, unlike Tachibana, Nishida is wearing a Majima Construction Helmet ™.}

G.B. Holmes: “Nishida-san!”

Rough-Looking Man’s Friend: “That’s one of your buddies down . . . Don’t think you can get away with doing that to our friend.”

Majima: “. . . He still has friends. I thought he only had one. But . . . it can’t be helped, Nishida. Sorry I didn’t keep them away.”

Nishida: “I’m sorry, Boss . . . ow ow . . .”

Majima: “I’ll show you right now how to pass judgment on a fool who chooses the wrong kind of prey!”

----

Troublesome Customer: “Hehe, I finally see a scared face. Then I’d like you to apologize quickly.”

Yuki: “A-An apology . . . ?”

Troublesome Customer: “I was looking forward to throwing back drinks here, so get me a lady and a waiter. Shouldn’t you pay me too? Call it a compensation fee. Then I’ll think about forgiving you a little.”

Yuki: “Th-That’s . . .”

Troublesome Customer: “I don’t care about your opinion! Bring me a lady and a waiter!!”

Yuki: “B-But . . .”

Troublesome Customer: “Do it!! Or I’ll kill you!!!!”

Yuki: “Hiii! Do-Don’t kill me!”

Troublesome Customer: “Heh, you’re a pitiful figure. If you don’t want to get killed, bring me a lady and a waiter and give me back my money! I’ll hit the waiter until his face is messed up, then I’ll bring the lady to a hotel and punish her a lot.”

Yuki: “. . . ! I . . . I won’t let you do that.”

Troublesome Customer: “. . . Oh?”

Yuki: “To do my best to give the staff peace of mind . . . that is the work . . . of an owner . . .”

Troublesome Customer: “Huh?! I’ll kill you!!”

Yuki: “I’m sorry you’re not satisfied, but everyone in the club is doing their best to serve customers. Doing things that the girls don’t like . . . If you have any complaints, you don’t have to come here anymore. Here’s your bill. Now go home and don’t come back again.”

Troublesome Customer: “Don’t come back again? Is this your attitude towards customers!!!!”

Troublesome Customer: “. . . what are you doing?”

Youda: “Apparently, he’s not the guy we prepared. As the store manager, I can’t forgive any violence!”

Yuki: “Youda-san . . . Erica-chan . . . Koyuki-chan . . . ! it’s dangerous! Stay back! Don’t get hurt for a bad owner like me!”

Youda: “. . . Didn’t you switch around my shift so I can go to the amusement park with my family? Think of this as me returning the favor.”

Koyuki: “That’s right! I also have a lot of gratitude towards Yuki-san for caring about my physical condition!”

Cast Member Erica: “Me too! You showed me a lot of kindness after my boyfriend dumped me!!”

Yuki: “E-Everyone . . .”

Troublesome Customer: “This disgusting club . . . treating me as the bad guy. If you all get in the way, then I’ll kill you all together!”

{All four of them gang up on the guy and beat him up.}

Troublesome Customer: “Haa . . . haa . . . you cowards . . . fighting 4 against 1 . . .”

Four Shine Customer A: “Not just 4! If you do anything else, we’ll join in too!”

Four Shine Customer B: “That’s right!! There’s no better club than this! If you have any complaints, then get out!!”

Troublesome Customer: “. . . ?! That’s it, I’m never coming back to this club again!”

{The disruptive customer runs out.}

Koyuki: “. . . Yuki-san, are you alright?!”

Yuki: “Y-Yeah . . . I’m okay. Everyone . . . thank you so much for your help.”

Yuki’s Father: “. . . That was great, Yuki.”

Yuki: “. . . I don’t think so. My clothes got dirty . . . I’ll go get changed a little.”

----

Yuki: “Haa . . . it’s no good . . . I . . . Even this year, I’m still being helped by people . . . Because of this, my dad can’t be reassured by the lie that I’m a ‘charismatic owner’ . . .”

Majima: “. . . As usual you’re thinking so negatively~. I . . . I don’t think that’s the case.”

Yuki: “Oh! Majima-san?!”

Majima: “Yuki-chan did well today. Didn’t you stand up against a real nuisance customer? Besides, it’s not a bad thing to be helped by people. It’s all thanks to Yuki-chan’s humanity. Youda-han, Koyuki-chan, Erica-chan, the customers, they all took the risk to help Yuki-chan.”

Yuki: “Ma-Majima-san . . .”

Majima: “I don’t know if anyone can live by themselves. If you need help, then you’ll be given help. As a father, if I found out that there are many people who can help Yuki-chan, I think that’s enough to give me peace of mind.  . . . even if Yuki-chan herself is a stupid, stupid owner.”

Yuki: “. . .”

----

Yuki: “Dad . . . do you have a moment? . . . Actually, I have to apologize for something.”

Yuki’s Father: “Eh? Apologize for what . . . ?”

Yuki: “Actually . . . it’s a lie that I’m a charismatic owner of the club and everyone relies on me. As you saw, I’m a hopeless owner who can only do things with the help of everyone . . . Dad, I’m sorry for lying to you . . .”

Yuki’s Father: “. . . Is that so. I had a feeling it was like that. But I’m glad I could see your hard work even if it was a lie. Even if you being a charismatic owner is a lie, I could see you were loved by friends.”

Yuki: “Dad . . .”

Yuki’s Father: “I’m relieved that you are blessed with good friends.”

Yuki: “U . . . uugh . . . Daaad! I don’t want you to dieeeeeeee!!!!”

Majima: “Yuki-chan . . .”

Yuki’s Father: “. . . Die? What are you talking about?”

Yuki: “. . . Dad has a serious illness and only has a short life expectancy. I heard you ask the doctor to hide it from me, to ‘please keep my illness secret from my daughter’ . . .”

Yuki’s Father: “Oh, you heard that?! I should have told you properly.”

Yuki’s Father: “This is hard for me to say, but my illness is . . . ‘hemorrhoids’.”

Yuki: “Hemorrhoids . . . that is a serious illness . . . wait, hemorrhoids?!?!”

Majima, Youda, & Koyuki: “He . . . Hemorrhoids . . . !?”

Yuki: “Hemorrhoids . . . that’s . . . is it the one found on your butt? It has a similar name with a serious illness . . .”

Majima: “. . . you can’t find hemorrhoids anyplace other than the butt.”

Yuki’s Father: “I was so embarrassed it hurt so much that I fainted . . . so I kept it secret from Yuki . . .”

Yuki: “Th-Then . . . wasn’t it your life expectancy that the doctor said was only ‘one more month’?”

Yuki’s Father: “. . . That’s how long it takes for my hemorrhoids to heal completely.”

Yuki: “So when you sometimes looked like you were in such pain . . .”

Yuki’s Father: “. . . It’s because the hemorrhoids hurt.”

Yuki: “Then when you said, ‘I’m worried about Yuki’s future’, didn’t that mean you were worried about leaving me all alone?”

Yuki’s Father: “. . . I heard that the tendency to get hemorrhoids is inherited. I was worried you’d develop terrible hemorrhoids.”

Yuki: “E-Eeeeeeeeh?! So it was just a misunderstanding that you have a short life expectancy?!”

Yuki’s Father: “Th-That’s right. I’m sorry for the misunderstanding . . .”

Yuki: “I-I see . . .”

Majima: “. . . Haa, I was so exhausted trying to make this work. And it was all because I was swayed by hemorrhoids.”

Koyuki: “I was almost crying until a while ago . . . but it was just hemorrhoids . . .”

Youda: “What was the point of the strategy we brainstormed last night . . .”

Yuki: “Majima-san, Koyuki-chan, Youda-san . . .  um . . . I-I’m so sorry!! I-I know! I’ll apologize to everyone with sushi! So . . . please forgive me! See, with the money in my wallet . . . huh? Huh?! I don’t have my wallet . . . Wh-Where did I drop it? Le-let me look for it for a second! Aaa~h, I can’t find it anywhere!!”

Majima: “Haa . . . Yuki-chan will always be Yuki-chan.”

Yuki’s Father: “You’re right . . . hahaha.”

Yuki: “Where did you gooo~ my wallet!!!!”

.

-END-

Masterlist

[boilyerheid]

Could you do number 18 with joplittle?<3

"I don't like the way they look at you."

"It's fine," Ed waves his glass of god knows what dismissively, and if it's whisky then Tom is calling a fucking end to the night because he's not dealing with Ed being a depressed drunk on top of everything else. "What's a little bullying between friends?"

This evening has been a disaster.

Ed had initially received the invitation to his secondary school's graduating class reunion and scoffed at the very idea, but after thinking on it (and discussing it with Tozer, because this whole stupidly defiant idea smacks of Tozer) had decided it might be better to attend. Cathartic, maybe, to go back to the people who bullied him for being gay with a handsome husband on his arm - proud and not caring what they think anymore. If he had that kind of confidence in reserve, that's how it might have played out.

Instead, the whole evening has been one big trauma trigger after another.

Tom had very much registered it when Ed shut down within the first hour or so, after what should have been jovial slaps to the back made him flinch and off-handed comments about past boys will be boys japes had him nodding like an automaton with glassy eyes. It's the fact he's no longer responding to references to past jokes made about him, though, about remarks on his weight and anxious nature and queerness accompanied by a hearty 'what toerags we were back then, eh?' without the tiniest shade of apology or even regret. That's what lets Tom know he's beyond deciding for himself if he's okay or not.

He's never comfortable telling Ed what to do, but in situations like this he'll take the reins without a thought. It keeps him from throttling every last plummy cunt in the room, at least.

"You're not friends though, are you?" Tom plucks the glass from Ed's fingers and gives his husband the same withering look he shoots the dog when he protests at being relieved of a dropped chicken bone that might kill him. Ed drops his head the same way in response too, the same hangdog expression that makes Tom wish they hadn't had to get a hotel, that they could just go home properly right now. "I don't like the way they look at you, I don't like the way they speak to you, and I don't like what it does to you. I think we should leave."

"But if I run away again... I don't want them to win," Ed says quietly, just a little slurred, after a moment to process what Tom's said. Tom sighs softly and tucks an errant curl behind his husband's ear, because he understands that very deeply. But if the bastards have already ground you down... why let them drive the boot further?

"Ned-"

"Hello, chaps!" Dundy (as done out as a dandy fop as he ever gets and showing up the entire room in their boring Masculine greys and blues for it) bustles abruptly into their table, which is convenient since they drove up here together and Tom was about to go and find him to leave. "Listen. Awfully sorry, bit of a situation. We may have to, er, vamoose. Directly. As in now."

"What did you do?" Ed has shed that lost look in his eyes, as if this is a conversation they've had many times before. Tom glances between the pair of them and thinks... yeah, they got up to some shenanigans when they were kids, didn't they? "Dundy."

"I may have-." He stops to sweep the hair out of his eyes, the dramatic bastard. "I may have possibly matched with both the Franklin brothers on Grindr and showed their wives, discreetly. But it's very much not going to be discreet for long, darlings, so we must get going."

Tom swallows a grin and fights down the urge to hug Dundy, because he's a vengeful genius and he couldn't have done it better himself. The same Franklin brothers who beat Ed up for years on end for being gay, that's a worthy bit of vengeance. Ed still looks bewildered though, the sweet boy.

"You're not on dating apps, Dundy," he blinks owlishly, and Tom pulls him to his feet without preamble. They'll figure it out in the car - will have to, given the commotion starting on the other side of the room. "Why would you-"

"It was a ruse, dearest, keep up." Dundy grabs Ed's phone where it's been left sitting on the table and shoots Tom a gleeful wink before he leads the way out of the reunion, very much fleeing the scene of a crime he was more than happy to commit.

Once Ed understands what happened, he laughs until he cries a little bit. Dundy gives him the most enormous cuddle in the back seat as Tom drives to the hotel, and they exchange a look of triumph in the rearview mirror. It won't fix anything, but sometimes just taking a little bit of power back is more helpful than you'd expect.