#but my brain will say 'maybe you werent good for them' and that i should go and apologize

[nvmadic]

Hello Charlie my friend <3

My goodness i read your imagine of schlatt with the 'asshole to everyone but you' prompt and my brain is brring

Imagine schlatt is the gump type to not share his food with anyone, effectively flicking anyones hand if it goes towards his bag of fries. But when its you, he lets you have as much of his food as youd like, even going to hold a fry to your mouth without you having to ask for it.

"You wan' a bite?" He'd ask, letting you have a taste of his food first.

Sometimes he'd give you shit for stealing his food, even though you said your werent hungry and you didnt order anything for yourself. But again, he'd let you have as much of his food as you'd like. Maybe he ordered extra in advance bc he knew youd

If its anyone besides you??? He's glaring at them, fork in hand itching to just poke their hand away.

-Winter [from primary blog @espresso-lessdepresso ]

winter. yes. this is so accurate.

this man does not like sharing his food. want to taste? “too fuckin’ bad you should have ordered it yourself.” he’d remark rather coldly, joking, yet meaning what he said.

you, however, he’d start eating his food and realise how good it tastes so he would need to share it with you. “taste this, holy shit, you’re gonna love this,” he’d insist rather monotonously yet the excited grin on his lips betrayed a much different emotion that his tone of voice did. at home, or even out with friends who would take it as an open invitation before schlatt would rudely swat their hand away, “i wasn’t talking to you, dumbass.”

“do you want anything, i’m going to get some food?” he’d ask casually, twirling his car keys on his finger before you simply shook your head which he shrugged and then left. returning with a bag which suddenly made your stomach rumble, watching as he lethargically strolled back in with a paper bag clutched in his hand.

he knew just by the way you were watching him that he had made a mistake by not getting you anything. huffing a sigh, he’d feign being full so he could give you a portion of his meal, knowing you’d feel guilty otherwise. he’d rib you about it later, his voice soft and lighthearted. “i’m going to starve now, i can’t believe you ate all my fuckin’ food.” watching your face contort as you tried to defend yourself he’d just laugh.

at least he knew next time, when you politely declined his offer. coming back with a takeout bag and watching your eyes linger on the food too long, stomach rumbling at the sight. strolling over to you and placing your go-to order in front of you without saying a word, just a knowing grin playing at the corners of his lips.

if that were anyone else, one of his friends? “tough shit, i gave you your opportunity, if you’re hungry go and make yourself something to eat or go and get it your-fuckin’-self.” coldly remarking, throwing fingerfuls of fries into his mouth without any remorse.

[pixelyssa]

Bye I am acc desperate atp I need helpppp

Basically I go on holidays mid July and I just know the food will be so tempting (and I’m so scared of letting myself go) and my family will obvs notice if I don’t have anything but I also want to have a nice time 😭 what do I doooo??!!

And even if i eat small amounts of things I’ve no clue how many c@ls would be in them

I will be so so grateful for any tips or advice u have!! 💓

ily stay safe bb 🩵

hey! if i was in this situation i would just heavily r3strict for the week before. that way the vacation will be like a reward. ofc thats probably not good to advise you to do 😭

maybe instead of that, you can up your workouts and make sure all of ur meals/snacks are nutritional (get ur proteins and ur veggies) vs f00ds with just sugar and sodium. and that can help u have the energy to up ur workouts too.

u said you might “let urself go” no honey, its not a choice… its brain chemistry. if ur thinking about the f00d ur gonna be having over a month from now… youre in deep. you won’t “let yourself go”. youll be anxious either way. youre not gonns get used to e@ting normal and then just stick with it, even if h do youll slowly become obsessed with ur image again soon and go back to ur ways.. thats the fuck of it all… might as well ENJOY ur vacay.

it would rlly suck to go in vacation and be trying to guess the c4lories in everything, and ordering what u think is the lightest option. you should e@t what you want.

you can still r3strict certain f00d groups. if i was going on vacay with my family theyd buy snacks for the hotel or wherever we’d be staying. i would avoid those, bc i would normally avoid them at home.

going out to restaurants id do the same thing i do at home when i go to restaurants, order something that sounds good so i can enjoy myself, whether its a salad or a big mf burger lol. and i eat till im full. (if u dont have that sense, leaving 1/2 or 1/4 of the meal on the plate is a good measurement.)

if theres an appetizer, i have maybe a bite of each one and say im saving room for dinner, (my family and friends know i get full easily) & same goes with dessert. if it looks rlly good ill have a bite, but since i ordered what i WANTED for dinner, im satisfied before a dessert comes out and i play it off that im full.

i would probably figure out what we’re doing for food and decide what is most worth it to me and save my c4ls for that.

id also make a list of things i wanna enjoy. for example: my trip to nyc i wanted to try

-new york pizza

-a pastry and latte from the cafe next to my hotel

-a martini

-something fried from a food truck

-any non american food restaurant (italian, french, idk)

-a croissant from this popular cafe in times square

and i just kinda rationed it out. i remember my bf wanted to go for a walk, i new we’d pass the bakery, so i pointed it out and indulged there. got a matcha tea and a macaroon & then played off being full until dinner and chose something light (i think i made us get sushi that night which is pretty low in c4l) another day, we took the metro to soho and we walked around ALL day, so by the time we got back to the hotel it was late. we ordered the pizza i wanted to try… and i didnt care bc i had 20k steps done. i was still able to have everything i wanted the whole time, i just r3strictied the things that werent on my list.

idk what kind of vacation ur going on but a lot of them call for lots of walking, so thats a plus. you will not g4in that much. thats why i said id go crazy a week before, so that i dont feel like im g4ining it just feels like its fluctuating normally.

either way if u let urself enjoy it atleast ur metabolism will get faster! (im toxic) lol metab week(s?) ❕

me and my bf are planning a 2 week trip to europe. 2 weeks before we go i would push myself to burn way more c4l than normal. and i wouldn’t w3igh myself in that time. in 2 weeks i could lose like 4Ibs and not even know, that way when i get back from vacation and ive g4ined 3Ibs i wouldnt even notice. then life goes back to normal!

i hope that makes sense, and i hope its not too much. i really hope u enjoy ur vacation & can allow urself to enjoy a few of the f00ds wherever ur going. 🩷

[lynn-tged-posting]

tged webtoon ep 155 spoilers but its part two and im yapping specifically about a certain line. below the cut!

(i rlly need to get into the habit of posting these on pc bc then i wont be limited w the number of imgs i can add to a post,,, but i forgot this time! whoops,,, its fine tho this is fine)

BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP. BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP. BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP. IM GONNA KNOCK YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH A MALLET WHAT THE FUCK

"lets not cross any lines here" MY GOOD SIR YOU HAVE SHARED UR MANA WITH HIM. YOU HAVE TRAVELED TOGETHER FOR SEVERAL YEARS NOW AND FACED LIFE AND DEATH MOMENTS TOGETHER. FYM "lets not cross any lines" WHERE R THE LINES 😭😭😭

im shaking lloyd so so hard. with love! need his thick engineering-pilled brain to understand /lh /aff

im amused and admittedly a lil confused bc i thought we had a whole bit where they at first didnt consider each other friends, but then they were fighting that dark wizard guy in the bone dragon (i forgor his name) and we saw them both realize each other to be friends right? i reread the webtoon recently i am not trippin i swear

LIKE WE HAD THIS WHOLE MOMENT were we not supposed to assume that they considered each other friends at this point bc it like,, idk interrupted that memory of lloyd saying they werent or whatever 😭 U GOOFBALLS

AND YET HERE WE ARE 😭 it is interesting that its a mirror since lloyd says he was just curious when he asked javier abt his parents, and now javier says he was just curious abt what kind of person suho was,,,

but like. BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP,,, DONT,,, DONT PLAY WITH ME,,, SNIFF,,, SOB

YALL SHOULD AT THE VERY LEAST B FRIENDS LIKE CMON NOW I THINK THATS MORE THAN JUST BUSINESS,,, IF NOT LLOVIERS THEN AT LEAST CLOSE FRIENDS LIKE CMON NOW

unless like this is. idk some kind of ironic gag and they do consider each other more than just business,,, maybe i just dont get it,,, in which case well done adapter u played me like a FOOL,,, but if its not a case of silly irony gag then WHAT THE FUCK ADAPTER 😭

anyway that made me insane. i couldnt stop laughing in anguish for a couple minutes. it was a time. this ep gave me whiplash HAHA

ok NOW see yall next week for reals this time

[illiteratt]

Feb 5 '24

I hate the power you hold on me

Of all the people, of all the "flawless" you, you fucking idiot come into my life hold it between your lips and act like it doesn't even matter to you

You have the power to bite it, to kiss it, either kill it or make it. And what i cant believe is that i made that decision, knowingly. Not knowingly, wrong word, i didn't know shit about what it could become. I gave you that chance, willingly. I could've ignored you, treated you as a friend, say piss of to you. I could have, i did that before. What makes you so fucking different? Why do you stand out between all the people in my life? I love them all, but even before i realised this power of yours (that i love you, unfortunately) you were always a bit different werent you? The closest one, the one that holds me while my mind doesnt even feel real and i dont feel the earth under my feet. I can cry to you. The one that sits next to me all the fucking time (really, how did i not understand it sooner) (you couldnt even tell your own feelings sherlock, shut up) and the absurd thi g isi wanted that too, maybe a bit more subconsciously than you.

Now i am addictive and you dont give a shit. Of course you do, i know you do, i know... you care about me you love me, i know. Thats not what im talking about. I dont even know what im talking about but you heard these speeches a lot from me didn't you? Transparent as hell, im weak, i know. Oh the way I say" i kno" must be so irritating. How do you even stand me. Yeah you know everything good for you dear me now shut the fuck up.

Im not that desperate am i? Not for you, couldnt be. You dont care. You think about me when im actually there, you love me when im around. Maybe thats just normal human behaviour, how could i know?

I know, (again, great) we are in this together. I shouldnt decide your feeli gs for you or how you should treat me worse. I know you care, i feel you care. I look a bit one sided, not from my side tho, yours. Thats why im toxic. I create a a you that hates me in my own mind because i believe you should. How could you not. I hate myself, thats enough evidence for me. I make that decision for you, told you, im toxic. Really. Bad for not only you but everyone around me probably with my self destructive little brain. Oh and how i act like i do t care with all my "i know" s. I know right? I know fucking everything, right, yeah, totally explains why im miserable.

You just hold more power on me than i do on you, and that scares the shit out of me.

5 Şubat

[fvkvrodani]

reverse unpopular opinion the authority

i didnt rb the meme but. man................ i literally forgot they existed 😭😭😭😭 lemme see if i can remember anything—or rather, if i can find smth positive to say abt them... considering the comics' writing in the later stages.

bc like. heres the thing: the authority as a team—theyre a relic of their time.

the 90s & early 00s were just... so edgy, so nitty gritty unapologetically right there in your face with their fuck the world attitude that you can see it in every media, from movies to tv shows to even wrestling (just look at wwe at that time!! impact wrestling/tna & czw & njpw too!!). the fact that the comics werent spared from this kind of mindset where everything goes, no holds barred, & if you dont like it then fuck off is why the authority are a relic of that time.

...& tbh? idk what state the dc comics are in right now. i dont know if dc can even handle that kind of attitude anymore. but itd be so, so nice to see it back. itd be so fucking nice to see a team do the things that the goody-two shoes superheroes cant or wont do bc of morals & whatever other reasons they got. the authority laid the ground works of what anti-hero/anti-villain "if you fuck w someone badly enough we're gonna beat you up. we might even kill you & nobody can do a thing about it. we follow our own rules." teams should be like.

theyre the blueprint of what dc is trying to make the suicide squad be, with amanda walker as the handler & agent of a bunch of killers, trying to make them do good for once in their lives. except the authority looks at the world & go "we can & WILL fix it bc yall fucked it up."

the authority as a team is so fucking edgy... we need to bring back that 90s edginess in media... or maybe im just nostalgic for that time period in general.

2nd edit bc my brain is rotting w rdr2 nowadays: (looks at the dutch van der linde gang in its early-mid stages before dutch lost his mind & descended into madness) (looks at the authority) ...im sensing a theme here. "we kill folks as need killing. we give to the poor as need giving. we save people as need saving."

[420technoblazeit]

anyway masterlist of responses to ppl's random messages on this form

hunters grab ur salt or hwatever. call my blog the winchesters bc we're time traveling in this fuckin car

IS HTIS WHY MY POLLS KEEP GETTING WEIRDLY SKEWED. GOD. FINE ILL ADD A 'DID NOT WATCH SUPERNATURAL' OPTION

im about to write a fix it where htey bring back crowley bc everything the writer's team did post-his death made me so goddamn angry. he adn cas die in the same episode and theyre like teehee. the antichrist brought cas back but not him bc idk. cas is Special. adn then they dont let rowena resurrect him im so alskdhgsadgasdgsadglhaldga

oh fukc are there angel robots in this. i keep making posts about gabriel spn adn people mistake it for ultrakill mayb i WILL play htis

i cant explain but like. hte type of cat that's black and white but the black adn white kinda meld together yk what im saying? lik,e an oreo milkshake

i handed in two of my final assignmetns last night so hopefully soon! im hella behind in one of my classes htough so we'll see

ive stayed up till 3 about 3 times in hte last 5 days. one of htose was bc the spn season 1 finale was a two parter adn i forgot and wanted to get to hte part where they got hit by the truck, another was bc i got really into a session of apex legedns, and the third was bc i had a final assignmetn and pissed away the rest of the day spn postign so. i think ur right

hwy are you the coolest person here what the fukc. like omg what's ur numberrrrrrrrr

WOE, DISCREET SUPERNATURAL REFERENCE IN MY MINECRAFT SMP BE UPON YE. it's a good nickname htough c!aster uses nicknames all the time for ppl anyway lmao. we've already got old man for sleep, princey for lux, dog breath for kota, etc etc. it fits

so fuckign true broski n boy am i having a time. i bought a crowley print a couple weeks ago but hte shipping for a print was too much money so i just bought a bigass sticker adn ykw. it worked. i also found out htat the artist now draws apex legends so im winning here

holy shit wait is htis just. literally a copy of super smash bros fuck yeah ill play that what the hell. why didtn u tell me about this sooner

this was on hte submission for judas. um,,,,, ,,, yeas

no youer so right. somebody did send a drawign in the drawing box of like. their little furry oc with hearts saying 'kys' adn i laughed so fucking hard at it. i didtn post it bc i wasnt sure if they were serious or not, i assume htey werent considering how cutesy it was but uh. yeha

sedn it to me im srs. i used to be hte biggest sabriel shipper back in the day before my brain apparently decided that angsty drowley shippign is superior. i love gabe though he's my fave

also im not puttign it here but someone sent a monologue? from somethign called fictional googology???? ??

LISTEN BITHC. WHEN QSMP GET'S HTE LORE ROLLING ILL DO IT. OR MAYBE GO TAKE A LOOK AT MY FUCKIGN BLOCK PEOPLE U EVER HTINK ABOUT THAT??? ?? anwyay im gonna b on wynne's vault hunters server u should go check them out n give them a follow theyre really cool

jesus fucking hcirst. u might as well just shoot me in hte leg dog

[henriiiii-1001old]

time to do a silly over here hey is it okay to ask u to pick one au u have, how would the aus cast do in among us. like who the fuck rages. i shit you not someone ran to the emergency button in a game i was in instead of reporting a body, i was very mad. werent even the imposter either. also hi other person who knows who i am. -silly

anyways i have the PERFECT THING to explain how theyd play among us :33333

introducing: tmc as the morning lobby/hafu lobby!!!!!

you dont need to know who they are to understand, just know that i am insane over them and i love among us videos sm still <333333

SO FIRST!!!! we have mark and sarah as 5up and hafu. 5up and hafu are noted as an iconic sibling duo, very much like the heathcliff siblings. they are also MASTER among us players, most notable for their incredible impostor plays (esp when together as an impostor duo). but besides that, mark and sarah play EXTREMELY well and like order to balance out the chaps of the lobbies.

next up we have jonah and adam the iconic dumb and dumber duo, dk and steve, respectively. they mostly do a lot of trolling. dk is mostly known in his older days for “throwing” a lot of the games, which i just have a feeling jonah would do a LOT. he does get a lot better overtime though!!! as for adam, he gets steve bc steve’s demeanor just 100% matches w adam man. and the lobby has claimed that steve can “roleplay as himself”, which is kind of what adam has been doing his entire life. dumb and dumber can be a powerful duo if they dont throw each other under the bus in the first round and have had some killer games!!!

next up i have thatcher as dumbdog. dumbdog is usually seen in a dark green color, which my brain just went “oh yeah thatcher lol.” however, dumbdog is a mix of a serious and silly player, going along with bits that he thinks are funny but also still being serious when he needs to be. i just think that captures thatcher SO WELL. also dumbdog’s laugh is just so good i might just make it thatcher’s laugh i love it sm.

next we have dave as junkyard. the entire thing with junk is that he’s the oldest in the group, and i think dave would play that role very well even if he’s not necessarily the oldest.

and this is where things get blurry. im not sure who would be who at this point, so i’ll just give a lil rundown of everyone else’s playstyles.

ruth is also a serious and silly player but leans more towards silly. maybe she’d be a good kara? idk

WAIT EVELIN IS MAYBE JANET. i mostly know janet for being so focused on being her role, especially snitch, and its just really entertaining imo. i just feel like evelin would be the same way, hyperfocusing on playing her role and such.

the alts are. okay at the game ig. gabe’s mostly alright but when he’s crew he’ll just get sussed for no reason and it pisses him off to hell and back. six is a VERY silly player. he’s probably a really good jester ngl. stanley i’d say is the best one! very tactical and plans out a lot of their actions. plays really good as both crew and impostor. puppet can be a REALLY good impostor if he knows how the specific role works. he does like to do a bit of fuckery here and there though bc he just likes being so silly goofy.

i didnt almost forget eden (lying) and soeaking of i feel like he’s still getting hsed to the game, likes to call too many buttons, gets caught too often, and misreads a lot of situations. but hymn’s still learning!!! he’s got a long way to go!!!!

uuhhh thats kinda all i have for now ig! also i probably should have clarified this is mostly for unholy gift.

[audible--silence]

Words

When people say to me “what about your future?” I tell them thats exactly who im doing all this for

“All of the best things in my life have occurred when things in my life didn’t go to plan”

“Only thing that changed in eight years is haircuts and excuses”

I want everyone to ask and care but i dont want to talk about it either

Failed with flying colors

Home feels like lame familiarity

“You’ve gotta be my stability!”

“I cant cos im on a BAR STOOL”

The years are passing me by faster than I care to admit.

Turns out making good use of your 20s doesn’t do an awful lot to slow them down.

I’m living a life I thought I wanted and still I feel a divide between what I thought I wanted and how I thought I would feel. Maybe this isn’t all that I hoped it would be. Maybe im not alive enough to make it feel good enough. Maybe just prioritizing fun isnt gonna cut it. But definitely prioritizing stability wont.

Maybe we just don’t have enough years on this earth and space in our brains to feel like we can really live anything to completion.

All I know right now is that on this warm, still summers evening, with a beautiful light in the sky, on a night I should be thoroughly captivated by, i feel unamused and alone.

I’ve seen this before.

I’m stuck with myself in a place i know all too well and not a great many people left to meet

“I have one foot in the door and the other going in a direction i dont quite know yet”

“If you can read this, i hope you have health insurance”

Never have i ever been in a rush to go to sñeep before

19 year old w 5 years practice

I dont believe in being nice i believe in being kind

“Well, money where your mouth is? I liked you.”

“Yeah but I’ve changed since i said that”

Well where too from here

Still tiptoeing around and dancing away

Trying to see where we stand in each other’s lives

Am i all wrong?

Did i read too far into all the songs in the playlist?

Or all the stories we told each other?

All the memories we shared?

And all the fun we made.

How about all the time we spent on each other or all the thoughts spent?

All the dreams made and all the hopes held.

All that you said that i read into, cannot be a mistake. You’re too clever for that. Did you want me to say it? Were you waiting for it? Did you want it? You sure werent surprised by it.

God i hope i didnt ruin it.

Maybe youre right

Maybe finding your person is long term task

Maybe all those journal entries, nights drinking together and nights thinking of you were to hit a realization.

Maybe the realization is that i need therapy

Maybe its that we’re not compatible

Maybe we need more time.

Either way, i know im here for it

Way too much love for the woman who raosed me and her never ending kindness and innocence despite the shit she’s had to deal with. Somehow coupled with a complete lack pf jealousy.

Im quite sick of the world

Im not very fond of myself in it either

I think every minute of every day what am i doing here? Why am i here?

I dont feel comfortable in myself

I dont feel confident in myself

I dont like the state of the world when i observe it

I feel powerless to change it

I feel like a fool for never having tried

I tell myself all the things my dear sweet friends would tell me in this situation

I know that im giving myself too much grace

Im not a dipshit

But i made myself into one

And ill die that way. Whenever I get too sick of it

What a damn shame it is to know a good moments passed you.

To have only the half remembered memories because you didn’t realize at the time that this would be a moment you’d want to think about forever.

I’ve left little pieces of my heart across the globe. From Oaxaca to West Aus to New York to Ningaloo, traces of my soul can be found sprinkled in pockets around taco stands, strangers vans and gorgeous country under shining stars.

I can never get them back.

Nor do I want them.

But I fear ill never approach life in one place with the same zest and enthusiasm as I used to.

A wise man once said it’s important to know when you’re living in a moment you’ll want to remember. I think it’s important to know when you’re shaving a piece of your heart and leaving it somewhere with someone as well

I don’t tend to think of it as “learning about myself” anymore. I think after a few seasons worth of reinventing myself, it feels a little bit more like reinventing the next iteration of myself. A both tiring and exciting endeavor indeed.

“Do you miss NY”

“Mmmmm sometimes “

What a fkn lie. Every day, most hours, in truth

I dont feel like myself

The aussie accent

The blokey chat

The blending in

None of its me, really.

I need stress to stay awake despite wht its doing to me

Do i want to look at the city on my drive in and think “hell yeah” or”ahhhhhh fuck”

Either is an investment of time n energy and i have to pick

You can observe in many colonized countries today what i see in myself.

When you take away peoples connection to identity, language, customs and place, they will frequently stumble around somewhat aimlessly with a penchant for extra curriculars

“Its only racist if im not funny”

“Theres something to be said about a life well fucked around “

[dontpunchdogs]

thoughts for today ! under a read more bcos it got long. yelling into the void.

ive always been hard to deal with - too sensitive to sounds, lights, temperature, texture, easily hurt by words, easily overwhelmed by other people, easily feeling left out among friends, too annoying, too loud but too quiet, needing too much reassurance, needing to feel wanted, needing needing needing. ive known this a long time. ive heard it from my parents countless times, had friends say they only hung around me out of pity, had partners say i was the most supportive partner theyd ever had; yet i need too much, my feelings are too confusing or too hard to consider, "i knew youd be upset but i didnt want to tell you and make you more upset" again and again and again.

no matter how small i tried to be, how light of a burden i made myself, its really never enough. i dont get what i need, my patience is worn thinner and thinner, and "suddenly" i snap. "suddenly" i disappear. as though there werent signs. as though i hadnt been begging for someone to care. as though i havent put others feelings and comfort above my own for years, been intentional, been thoughtful, been honest (in fairness, honest about everything besides the extent to which id been hurt) and made it clear how i love and how i want my efforts to be reciprocated.

i'm tired of it. i always thought i shouldnt live if nobody cared about me enough to pick me first. thats all ive ever wanted, really. someone to walk in a room full of people they care for and choose me out of everyone. someone who id choose over anything, even my own comfort when reasonable, and to know they'd do the same. just one person, and then i can handle everyone else letting me down, just one person, please, just one, one person, please, for once, just once.

i always find myself so fucking disappointed. maybe my standards are too high - the fact no one can meet me there makes me sad, but the idea of lowering my standards made me sadder. i can take disappointment, a lot of it, and i don't expect perfection. sometimes you cant give even 50% of your energy. sometimes you need to pick someone else. sometimes you need to pick a friend over a partner, or yourself over anyone else. but i cant handle the degree to which people constantly ignore my needs, or disregard them to indulge their wants.

im trying to rewire my brain now! im going to live, whether someone picks me or not. im going to care for others as much as i can, as hard as i can, but im going to limit those who disturb my peace. im going to put myself first, often as i can, or at least as often as id put others. i know what i need, and id do it for someone else - why not do it for me? why continue trying for people who cant be assed? why continue trying when im just difficult and draining?

today i had an overstimulating day at work. i still went to the grocery store, as id planned, because i needed to. when i drove home, i felt like id have a meltdown. instead i made myself laugh by seeing just how many bags i could carry at once. something stupid and simple, but i felt like i was good company. i put everything away. i made my lunch for tomorrow. i tried a new tea that i picked out and actually finally found one i liked. i ran a hot bubble bath. i washed my hair, my back, my body as though i was someone i loved. and i felt loved.

it was really nice. im holding onto that joy.

ive realized just how much pain other people tend to put me through. why, then, should i hinge my right to my life on my relationship with others?

im going to live. fuck anything else. fuck everybody whos ever made me feel like a fucking burden. if its soooo hard dealing with me, imagine fucking being me. i deserve so much better.

[eggceereal]

sometimes ur brain feels like this and you just have to

[jiminiesfavouritecolourisblue]

Our little love part 2 - mafia/yandere au Drabble {angst + fluff}

As always please let me know what you think, I am actually going to go to bed now my brain is angry with me for not sleeping.

It seemed the cycle was never ending, you fucking up and pissing them off, them punishing you by drowning you in their love, only letting you come up to breathe so you could swim in your own guilt and submit to them.

You wince as the victim to your latest fuck up gets another blow to his chest. Taehyung and Hobi held onto his arms as Jungkook and Jimin kick and punch the poor individual. You know not to speak, it’ll only make things worse. Temperament was a fickle thing in their lives, trust was everything, and you still had to build yours up again.

“Y/n help please,” Kai whimpers as you stood with your arms crossed looking away.

“Don’t fucking say her name,” Jungkook growled before punching your ex colleague in the face. You’re frowning, the need to beg them to stop was fighting for exit on the top of your tongue, but you bite it down and pray Kai doesn’t say another word. You know if you do as he asks they’d kill him. Your punishment was to watch silently.

Yoongi strolls up behind you, hands in his pockets before he rests his head on your shoulder, watching the display in front of you both.

“Nothing to say little love?” He whispers as your friend groans out in pain.

Please don’t kill him, you want to say, but you just shake your head in defeat. You want to believe they’re better than this, but the evidence of the contrary was never hidden from you. They showed you every side of them whether proud of it or not with bold eyes daring you to stop loving them, pushing your boundaries and morals waiting for you to snap. But the breaking point never came, you loved them, you shouldn’t and you knew it, but you did. You were completely and utterly theirs, yet still they treated you like you hadn’t seen the worst of them. Like you would run away the second you realised they were monsters, not that they would let you run far, only far enough to let you take a single breath before making you drown in them once again.

Yoongi wraps his arms around your waist, keeping an eye on your reactions. The asshole deserved it, not that they cared either way, he tried to take you away from them, that was enough.

Kai was your old partner before you took a very early retirement, what you didn’t know was that he continued the case you were working on before you left; the case of the seven men you now loved and the reason you quit said job. He had called you to meet up for old times sake and you, very naively in Yoongi’s mind, decided it was harmless. But if it was harmless why didn’t you say anything to the boys? You thought Kai didn’t know the reason you handed in your resignation, but he had been keeping an eye on you all before he realised you were the key to their downfall. He knew you harboured some feeling for him in the past and thought you’d reciprocate when he tried to flirt his way into getting his hands on the evidence you collected, he didnt know you burned it all. You lied to him and said you lost it, same difference anyway. This prompted plan b from him.

“Y/n they’re criminals,” he had said to you. “You’re a cop at heart you can’t love them.”

You floundered at his words when you realised he knew, and yet he still asked you to betray them.

“Kai I think I need to go...”

It was a mistake, you knew it then, but he followed you out onto the street and you hoped tonight the men you loved weren’t keeping an eye on you. Maybe naive was an understatement.

“Are they coercing you Y/n! Do they have something on you or are they threatening you?” He calls after you. “Because the Y/n I know would never love killers, what have they done to you?”

It was when he reached his hand out to grab your arm that your boyfriends decided to show themselves from the shadows. Which lead to the situation now, Kai beat up and bruised beyond recognition, and you forced to watch. He falls unconscious and they let him drop to the floor, you hate this side of them, it was cruel and cold but you’d never leave. They turn to face you now, their anger still present despite the last hour of releasing it onto your old partner. They don’t miss the way you’re shaking, the shallow breaths as you try and keep your tears to yourself. As much as you hate their violence, you hate their disappointment in you more.

——————————————————————————

You’re sitting in Joonie’s lap for what you call the debriefing of your punishment, this happened way too often in your opinion. You look down but he wasn’t having it today, tilting your head to look at him by your chin.

“Why did you get punished today little love?” He starts the same way as usual.

“I went out without telling you guys where I was going or who with,” you say while fiddling with your fingers out of nervous habit.

“And?” Hobi sits across from you in a chair, legs straddling the back and an elbow rested on top with his fist holding up his face. Hobi was hardest to pacify, he was ruthless and unforgiving and while that didn’t extend to you, you still had a hard time with his stubborn anger.

“I met up with Kai, and I let him touch me,” you’ve done this too many times before to not know how it worked. Kai’s ‘touch’ obviously meant nothing to you but for them it was the worst crime anyone could commit against their little love.

You remember the time you nearly tripped in the park and a guy steadied you politely, but you still had to hold Jungkook back from throwing hands.

“Kookie would you rather I fell and hurt myself?” No he hadn’t wanted that so he grumbled in agreement still seething but you cooled it down. “Instead of hitting him maybe you should thank him,” it was a joke but it made the youngest scoff.

“Baby girl why can’t you just be good?” Namjoon’s sigh brings you back to the present. “Why do you always have to test us like this?”

You didn’t mean to, you want to say it but the words are stuck below the sob in your throat. You actually whimper as his tone, bottom lip wobbling pathetically. He hadn’t even told you off properly, but you already felt like a mess as he bathed you in his disappointment. That was the common consequence of your actions and you hated it, you couldn’t do anything right.

——————————————————————————

“Jin do you need help with the food?” You ask your eldest boyfriend politely, he was frowning and you thought it was because today’s meal was too much for him to handle alone, his tone of voice made you realise it was because of you.

“No, I’m alright,” he doesn’t look at you as he speaks and you’re left gaping at him like a fish. Jin loved it when you cooked with him, it was your bonding time without the others, although Yoongi would join you from time to time. The others also tried but Jin wouldn’t let them anywhere near the kitchen, they hogged you enough anyway.

You feel your soul deflate, still standing there as he ignored you.

“Are you mad at me too?”

The way you said it made his heart twinge with guilt, but the others were right you wouldn’t learn and your first betrayal was still fresh on their minds. He sighs and you turn away, refusing to crying in front of them for the tenth time that day. What was wrong with you? Ever since that day where they found out who you really were you felt like you werent enough anymore, you tried so hard to make up for it all but you kept messing up. You weren’t like this before, but after seeing the hurt you put them through you were constantly on edge and second guessing yourself. You wish you could go back and stop them from ever finding out.

Jin hears the sniffle as you walk away and he can’t go through with it.

“Wait little love,” he calls for you. “I forgot to cut the onions, would you mind?”

You shake your head, you didn’t mind, but you didn’t trust your voice to answer for you. Youre grateful to Jin for giving you this task, it hides the fact you’re crying, but you know he doesn’t miss it.

——————————————————————————

Jimin and Taehyung were giving you narrowed stern gazes through dinner, it put you off your food which resulted in getting told off by Jin just after he branched out to you in the kitchen.

You felt alone, like the seven men you loved were against you and there was no one to blame but yourself.

“I’m sorry,” you say quietly before getting up and removing yourself from the dinner table and dining room, ignoring all of their stares. You decide maybe an early night is best, you could start again fresh tomorrow. You don’t get too far up the stairs before a hand pulls you back, you turn to see Jimin with Tae a few steps behind him.

You’re so used to seeing them laugh and play around that it feels like you’re looking at different people. Even during missions or gun fights, the youngest three were always joking their way through the bloodshed, keeping scores of who got the most headshots and other grotesque games. You remember the time Jimin and Tae called you during he middle of a shoot out, arguing with you and each other over who you loved more out of the two while you begged them to not get shot or killed.

“Why did you go see him Y/n?” Jimin asked, he wore the demeanour he used for enemies and it takes you back to that night.

“I... h-he said he wanted to see me to catch up,” you explain but you know it’ll fall on deaf ears.

“And you thought that was a good idea, to see your old cop buddy?” His tone makes you feel stupid, you weren’t stupid.

“He was my friend Jimin,” you say in disbelief, you know in the end it was a mistake but at the time it didn’t seem like the worst idea in the world.

“You’re ours,” Taehyung moved forward, towering over you even though he’s a step below you. His face is close to your own, eyes burning into yours as he looks disgusted at the words that left your mouth as if they’re still attached to you. “How do you think we felt when you went to see another detective? Do you have any idea what was going through our heads?”

“Tae I love you,” you lean away from him, searching his face for a hint of softness and love in his gaze, but there was only fire. “You know I wouldn’t, you all know I wouldn’t, I left that life for you why would I turn back to it?”

He stalks away from you without a word, Jimin close behind, giving you a final cold glance before leaving you alone. You thought your love could make them better but if anything you made their darkness worse.

——————————————————————————

Jungkook needed to vent, the only way he knew how was physically. Obviously it wasn’t the cleverest thing he’s done, taking rounds with the punching bag only to open up the cuts on his hand from beating the bastard earlier. He mutters a few curse words under his breath, why did you make matters worse? Maybe they were being harsh on you before today, finding any excuse to punish you a little, test your boundaries and see if you would run, but today they honestly feared that was what happened. They thought you chose to leave them and go back to the life you had before them, but they’d never let you go, they couldn’t let you go. Despite everything you loved them and they worshipped the ground you walked on. You were everything for them now, there’s be no point to any of them without you. Why didn’t you understand that?

He throws another punch to the bag, spreading his blood across them, it hurt like hell, but the thought of you running back to your old partner still played on all of their minds. He wanted to cry, he wanted to find you and beg you to never leave them, they’d be nothing without you.

There’s a knock on the door and he finds you on the other side, waiting for permission to come in. You never waited for permission, it makes him frown, maybe they were too harsh on you today. He could see you shuffling your weight, insecurity screaming through your eyes, you feared his rejection more than his anger.

He notices the first aid kit in your hand, you must’ve heard him. He doesn’t let the fluttering in his chest reach his face as he sits on the bench, waiting for you to come to him.

His gaze is expectant, daring you to cross the threshold and face him, you were no coward, you didn’t fear them the way others did, why were you behaving so meekly now? You force yourself to move and sit beside him, setting the kit down and pushing your hair back behind your ears. He doesn’t move his gaze away from you, even with the sweat and hair hanging in front of his face.

You carefully take a his hand into yours, sucking air between your teeth at how injured it was.

“I’m sorry you hurt yourself because of me,” you say, eyes on his bloodied knuckle as you press the ointment against the open wounds. “Are you sure you want me to stay, I keep hurting you...”

You try to sound like you’re joking, that you’re okay and the hurt isn’t weighing you down with your doubts. He frowns, they really did take it too far. He sets down the cotton wool from your grasp, taking both of hands into his before kissing each finger delicately without letting you look away.

“You’re perfect little love,” Jungkook says, reassuring you with no question in his voice. “We’re the ones who don’t deserve you, we’re mean and cruel but we’re never letting you go.”

You remember how loving they were before that night, maybe while they accepted the truth at face value they could never really forgive you in their hearts. Maybe that’s why they were being like this, they didn’t love you the same way anymore.

“Do you love me?” You had to know, the doubt was eating you alive.

He looks at you as if you’re insane, maybe you are, you don’t know anymore.

“Little love, don’t you see how much we love you?” He asks sincerely. “We would do anything for that love even if it made you hate us, you belong with us, and no one is going to take you away.”

You could see the crazed look in his face grow as he spoke, you believed him, the honestly worn like a heart on a sleeve. But his answer bought a wave clarity to your hazed vision, you made them like this, you made them worse, you had to leave.

[reikissu]

Paranormal experiences with Toman!

authors note: hooray reiki feels more motivated now! this is so cringe i cannot rn, theres tagalog so yeah

characters:hakkai shiba, mitsuya takashi, manjiro sano, ken ryuguji, kazutora hanemiya, takemichi hanagaki, chifuyu matsuno,emma sano, hinata tachibana baji keisuke, pahchin and pehyan

Genre: crack, happy au

Warnings: cursing

Gender of y/n: Gender Neutral

Lets just say you didnt know your house was haunted and you invited some of the toman members over on Halloween.

'Wow y/n-san, your house is big!' Takemichi said in an optimistic tone in awe 'i agree takemichi-kun!' Hina agreed, 'But i hope this isnt haunted...' And boom he jinxed it

Things keep falling off and toman and you were wondering why, 'tf, why do they keep falling off🤨' you said confused, 'dont tell me.. IS YOUR HOUSE HAUNTED?!?!?!' Baji yelled 😭 'stfu brah you are gonna jinx it😠' kazutora replied as he hitted him in the head

'Yeah maybe it is haunted..' you said then 'WHATTT!?!?!??! THERES GHOSTS HERE!?!?😰😰' Takemichi was flabbergasted fr💀 'Taka chan is it really haunted??😟' 'ask y/n that, this is the first time ive been here.' mitsuya replied to hakkai bluntly, ‘but i’m not sure, things like this never happened here before..’ you said wondering ‘Ha??? are you forreal...😨’ pehyan said kind of terrified ‘forreal ryohei.’ After that, Mikey, Draken, Chifuyu, Emma, Hina and Takemichi decides to watch a movie in your living room as the others were exploring the house

'Chifuyu what if a ghost comes out of the tv???' 'Holy shit what if😧' takemichi and chifuyu talked 'guys stfu and watch the movie🙄' 'this movie looks good! Right emma chan?' 'Mhm!' draken said while sitting beside mikey eating taiyaki then NAWALA NG ILAW!!!

TAKEMICHI SCREAMED HIS LUNGS OUT AND SO DID YOU 'TAKEMITCHY SHUTUP!!' 'Toman yelled😭😭 'WHAT THE HELL WHY IS THERE SUDDENLY A BLACKOUT' you said while running down the stairs

'PAHCHIN WHERE TF ARE YOU??' 'I SHOULD BE ASKING YOU THAT YOU MORON' pehyan was smothering mitsuyas face with his hands and so did pahchin with baji LMAOOO 'pahchin get your hands off my face' baji said as pahchin said 'ITS YOU???'

'ugh we werent even in the middle of the movie😓 y/n's house is ass' mikey said and draken replied 'frfr' 'i agree with u ken and mikey..' 'TAKA-CHANNN WHERE ARE YOU??' 'I have no idea..' 'HOY BAJI SAN!! KAZUTORA!!! TAKEMICHII!!!' chifuyu yelled for them 'IM RIGHT HERE' kazutora said as he bumped into you. 'Kazutora??' 'Oh y/n chan!!🥰🥰' he said while holding your shoulders

Yall were trying to find each other for 30 mins and you guys managed to group up, 'finally, that took an hour' pehyan says 'wdym dumbass it took 20 mins' pahchin replies 'HA?! HOW DO YOU KNOW WITH THAT BRAIN THATS THE SIZE OF A PEBBLE?!?' 'THE FUCK DID YOU SAY!??!' 'BOTH OF YOU SHUTUP' you shouted that made them stop

And the lights start flickering then a figure of a lady pops up and dissapears😰😰 'AAAAAH😭😭😭' TAKEMICHI YELLED LIKE A LUNATIC CLINGING ONTO HINA 'HOLY FUCK WHO WAS THAT' 'EMMA STOP SCARING US' 'DRAKEN IM BESIDE YOU!!' 'OH NO😥' mikey, emma, hina and draken bickered 'OH MY GOD😟 RUN NOW’ then all of you ran upstairs to your room (you guys can see bcuz there was thunder) and the lady keeps popping up which causes poor chifuyu to trip😓

'WHO THE HELL IS THAT??' you said in panic while locking the door, 'IDK MAN' baji said and kazutora asked 'CHIFUYU ARE YOU OKAY??' 'NO. NOT AT ALL I ALMOST PISSED MY PANTS'

takemichi was sobbing and pehyan and pahchin with clinging onto each other and mitsuya and hakkai did too 'YUZUHAAA SAVE MEE😭😭' 'HAKKAI SHUSH THE LADY WILL COME BACK' mitsuya said, 'takemichi-kun, calm down, you'll get tired from crying' takemichi sniffles 'yeah you are right..' takemichi replied. 'Mikey, draken what do we do?? She might kill us all😣' emma said as her voice trembled 'dont worry emma, me and kenchin will protect you, hina and y/n' After debating either to get out of the room trying to survive or stay in the room, you guys went with the idea of trying to survive, 'We might die doing this😕' takemichi said trying to convince you guys but that didnt seem to faze yall, 'dw some of us almost died in some situations so we will proba-' baji was cutoff mid-sentence because the windows were opening and closing itself loudly, 'oh shit😦' kazutora said as he backed off with everyone and holding you closely oh em gee protective kazu😍

"you dare underestimate me...YOU STUPID CHILDREN!!" the ghost lady yelled in her raging, distorted voice, emma was on the verge of tears and was hugging draken. 'I TOLD YOU SO!!' takemichi yelled while holding hina 'YEP YOU WERE RIGHT... BUT WE HAVE TO MAKE A RUN FOR IT' you said while getting near the door and slowly holding the doorknob ‘ 3 2 1 BILIS TAKBO NA!!!!’ you yelled opening the door and running down the stairs with them. “ARGH MY BACK HURTS FROM CARRYING THIS HEAVY ASS BACKPACK!!” “SHUSH KAZUTORA THIS MIGHT BE THE END OF OUR LIVES”

you all ran towards the exit with backpacks “OPEN IT BILISAN MO” baji yelled at mikey while shaking him, “ITS LOCKED BOBO” “UNLOCK IT??? DUH” “IT WONT BUDGE BAJI” “HA??” mikey and baji bickered back and forth, “how ignorant you are, you wont be able to escape from my grasp.” the lady said in her distorted voice again. “shut up lady!” mikey said before ramming into the door managing to open it “HAHA YOU THOUGHT BOZO” pahchin yelled as you all ran out of there, “NOOOOO!! I’LL CATCH YOU NEXT TIME YOU STUPID-” she was cut off mid sentence as you close the door, “well, lets just hang at takemichi’s place yeah?” you suggested and everyone agreed. “Thank god thats finally over...” hakkai and mitsuya said while stretching, “im hungry.” “wanna buy some yakisoba, baji san? since you are hungry” “hell yeah!”

“And we all played games at Takemichi’s place, well it was terrifying but yet fun, lets hope we’re safe though. Thats all for now! November 1, 2005  ” - Y/N L/N ＊┈┈┈┈＊┈┈┈┈＊┈┈┈┈ © r3iyooo do not repost/steal any of my works and repost it on other platform/s. I do not own the characters i write for at all. Reblogs are appreciated though.

[tadashiwa]

it has to be you

denki kaminari x reader

word count: 3135

a/n: aaahhh this was fun and it’s my longest work to date!!! i hope u guys enjoy

warnings: sex pollen. mention of alcohol. dub-con (because of the sex pollen). daddy kink. slight size kink. unprotected sex (WRAP IT BEFORE U TAP IT BESTIES). smut. fluff. mutual pining. confession of feelings. i think thats it? let me know if i missed any shordies

11:36pm

dont think about it. dont think about it.

the words helplessly rang through kaminari's head. yet, it was useless. no matter how hard he tried to will his brain away from what he had the absolute privilege of witnessing earlier that day, his brain could not stop. god, he felt like a perv thinking that.

it was supposed to be just another normal night patrol with you. you, his sidekick, his best friend, and the goddamn love of his life. yet, as much as he loved you, what you did today was so stupid. so fucking stupid. maybe it was because he loved you so much that he thought it was so stupid. he didn't really know.

8:42 pm

kaminari was supposed to only be gone five minutes at most. and yet, when you saw the new rising villain, desanctify, trying to break into a church, you didn't wait for him. you didn't call for backup. you went on and fought her on your own. and even when desanctify hit you with her poisonous, seductive, midnight's-evil-twin venom, you kept fighting. and somehow, through your haze of desperate arousal and aching need, you managed to get her in those hero handcuffs. and when kaminari finally caught up to you, my god were you a mess.

a mess that was so painfully attractive to kami.

that goddamn sex spell had absolutely wrecked you. after your agency gave you the rest of the night off, kami carried you back to your apartment. piggy back style proved to be easiest with your state. because, when he held you bridal style, much to his delight, or dismay, you were begging him to fuck you. you kept grabbing at his jacket and looking up at him with those doe eyes. you were distracting him so much he had to flip you around to his back.

you were both so close to your apartment, your whimpers echoing through kaminari's ears like a goddamn siren's song. your head was resting against his shoulder with your hips hovering so closely to his neck and you were still whimpering and kami could almost swear that he felt your core grinding against his back and—

finally. he reached your door.

11:53pm

of course he felt bad leaving you like that, alone in your apartment and so desperately horny you couldn't control yourself. he just figured you.... would figure it out on your own? he got off his shift in seven minutes, he was gonna call you to check in after. he was really hoping the spell had worn off by now. he's not sure he would survive a call with you if it hadn't.

it's not like you had ever shown interest in denki in the first place. sure, you were sometimes flirty and there was that one time you both drunkenly kissed on new years but he never for a second thought it was real. you could have anyone you wanted. surely your hazy desperation for him came out of a place of convenience. he couldn't afford to think otherwise.

finally, his shift ended. as he walked to the subway stop closest to him he pulled out his phone, prepared to call you and check i—

FIFTY SEVEN MISSED CALLS FROM YOU?!?!?!

kami was freaking out. were you okay? were you hurt? what was going on? what if you needed him and he was too late again?

his panic subsided when he saw the texts pouring in from you. well, he was still panicked. just for another reason.

texts of you begging for him were coming through in droves. he lost count of how many times he had to scroll. it was adorable and simultaneously terrifying. it made his blood thrum in his ears and his cheeks get hot.

and there were voicemails too.

voicemails of you whining his name. of you begging for him. telling him how badly you wanted him to make you cum. god.

surely this had to be a prank, right? you had to be messing with him. he called you, just like he said he would, expecting you to be laughing hysterically on the other end.

except you weren't.

you were still whining desperately for him. how your own fingers werent enough. how you needed his cock inside you or you think you might die.

kaminari genuinely felt as if he had died and gone to heaven. there's no way, right? he couldn't. you're not thinking straight. you didn't mean that. but you almost sounded like you were in pain. he was sure everyone on the subway could hear how hard his heart was beating.

"kami—they.. they said that... ngh—they said that it only—hah—only goes away if so-someone makes you c-cum—shit!"

all the color drained from his face.

"it—it has to be you."

12:31am

despite every nerve ending in his body absolutely reeling, kaminari found himself standing at your door. the same door he stood at all those times when he came to pick you up on your way to the agency. the same door he stood at when he made sure you got home safe when you were drunk. the same door he used as a shield from the unknown, the intimacy that made all of your flirting and side comments real.

he knocked once. twice. no answer. his fingers drifted down to the knob itself and gave it an experimental twist. unlocked.

he knocked once more. still no answer. then, with every ounce of courage he could muster, he let himself in. the shield was gone. the barrier was crossed. there he was, standing in his apartment, and you were deadset on fucking him.

"y/n? i'm here.... you uh... you didn't answer so i just let myse—" his call out to you is cut off by quite possibly the most pornographic moan he had ever heard.

it was almost as if his body was in a trance as he walked towards the source of the noise. the moans weren't stopping. denki was already hard at the sound of them. to make matters worse, your bedroom door was open and—

holy shit.

kaminari had seen his fair share of early morning sunrises. his fair share of cherry blossoms. he'd seen plenty of girls who he was convinced were the prettiest girls on earth. but you, you were breathtaking. genuinely ethereal. kaminari had never seen anything so gorgeous in his life. he didn't think he would ever again.

there you were, in one of his shirts he had let you borrow and nothing else. the pillow between your legs wet with your slick as you desperately dragged your clit against it, looking for any sort of release. one hand balanced you as the other played with your breast, pulling the shirt up to reveal your midsection in the process.

and when your eyes met his, kaminari was sure: this is heaven.

your pupils dilated so large at the sight of him that the y/e/c rings surrounding them disappeared. your bottom lip was pulled tight in between your teeth, your hair a mess. my god. just when kaminari thought it couldn't get any better, you spoke. without breaking eye contact, you whined,

"denki, please."

kami rushed towards you with such a sense of urgency you would've thought that he was a man starved.

"sh-shh-shhh, it's okay. it's okay, i'm here now."

in your sex-crazed daze, you pulled denki onto the bed next to you, his back leaning against your headboard. you were quick to straddle his thigh, almost collapsing at the contact you had craved for so fucking long.

denki didn't think he could possibly be any more turned on than he was in that moment. you held his shoulders in an attempt to balance yourself, dragging your clit over his thigh. you were making a mess out of his hero costume but he couldn't be bothered to care in the slightest. not when the pressure of you against him felt so right. not when he could feel your breath fanning against his ear. not when he was still processing the fact that you said you only wanted him on that phone call. nothing else mattered except the way you moved against him.

where should he put his hands? should he help you? should he take the shirt off of you? yeah, denki wasn't a virgin, but this was his first time with someone he cared about as much as you. he wanted to make you feel good.

you remedied his racing mind when you placed one of his hands on your hip and the other on one of your tits. he experimentally rolled your nipple over in between his fingers and was met by more of your delicious mewls.

you were so close to cumming. the entire situation was so overwhelming. denki smelled so good. his hands were so rough against your smooth skin. the way his eyes flickered between your face and your drooling cunt had your heart racing.

the rhythm in your movements was lost the more worked up you got. it took all the confidence denki could gather to take over for you. he flexed his thigh muscle as he pulled down on your hips to grind you against him harder. you had half the mind to be embarrassed at how loud the moan that was ripped from your throat was.

"'m close, denki i-i'm close—" you whimpered.

"cmon pretty girl—ngh—cum for me. cum all over me like a good girl." denki's raspy, arousal soaked voice was all it took for you to come undone all over him. you threw your head back, exposing your throat that was just begging to be marked. you were begging to be claimed.

little "so good"s and "thank you"s were tumbling from your lips as you came down from your high. god, were you a sight to behold. denki was so painfully hard he wasn't sure if he could take it any longer.

he was half expecting you to come to and ask him to leave.

but you didn't.

you started moving again.

"more, i need more. daddy, please, i need more—"

what did you say?

the title snapped any remaining resolve denki had left. he had to have you.

he gently lifted you off of his thigh and you groaned at the loss of contact. but, your complaints were silenced as he slid down the bed.

holy shit.

all those dreams you had of denki making you cum couldn't even begin to prepare you for when he pulled you forward to sit on his face. you almost came just at the way his eyes met yours. he wanted this just as much as you did.

the feeling of his tongue kitten licking your clit was heavenly. your senses were overloaded with him. the way his lips felt against your core. the way his hair framed his face like a halo. the way his hands dug into your thighs so tight you couldn't even consider moving. you absolutely lost your mind when he slid two fingers into your hole. they were so much bigger than yours. they reached that spot inside you that you couldn't on your own. and when you felt a little spark of electricity on your clit, you were sent tumbling over the edge and into a state of pure bliss.

"kami, kami, fuck, i-i'm cumming!"

he found your pathetic babbles in an attempt to warn him adorable.

surely after you had came all over his face you would snap out of your haze. feel disgusting. ask him to leave.

and yet, you didn't.

"need you. need you to fuck me." you quietly expressed between whimpers.

"y/n, a-are you sure? i don't wanna take advantage of you or anything-"

"yes i'm sure, please! i've wanted this for so long. i need you." your eyes met his as you begged and it, it sounded like you. not like the spell that overtook you. you were desperate, but you were genuine.

kami swore he had never seen someone look so fucking beautiful in his life.

and he couldn't tear his eyes off of you as he flipped you both over, his hips hovering over yours.

while the thought of denki being fully clothed as he wrecked you turned you on more than you cared to admit, you wanted to touch him. you wanted to feel his skin against yours.

denki laughed breathlessly at the way you grabbed at the hem of his shirt before pulling it over his head. he slid his pants down enough to free his aching cock, the head red and leaking with proof of his arousal.

you don't think you would've torn your eyes away from the way he stroked himself for all the money in the world.

"what, you like what you see?" kami attempted to ease the tension, noticing your stare.

"kami."

"what?"

you pulled his head down to meet yours as your lips connected in a kiss. not a drunken new years eve kiss. not a kiss of desire and convenience through your sex crazed daze. a real kiss. a real fucking kiss. he whimpered into your mouth at the intimacy of it all.

god, he was in love with you.

he slid the head of his cock over your slit, gathering your juices. shy, his eyes met yours.

"are you sure?"

"yeah."

the feeling of him sinking into you drove both of you mad. he was so big. bigger than anyone you’ve ever taken. and you were so, so, so goddamn tight. the room was silent apart from the sound of your tangled whimpers and moans. 

he looked down to where your bodies met and, oh man, was it a beautiful sight. your hips looked so small compared to his one hand holding you in place. it felt as though your tight little cunt was made for him. 

“princess, look at it. look at how good you take me.” you opened your eyes through the pleasure mixed with pain and he was only halfway in. how the hell was he so big? you moaned at the sight of him sinking into you. “can i keep going, babydoll? you gonna take daddy一ngh一take daddy all the way like a good girl? cmon, princess, you’re doing so good.”

denki was always a talker. he was funny. he was flirty. he was kinda stupid. but you never expected that his words could get you impossibly hornier. in that moment, all you wanted to do was please him. “daddy, keep going, keep going please. i wanna cum all over your cock, please.”

with the way you begged for him to fill you up, denki didn’t think he could wait to feel himself bottom out. he buried his head in your neck, pushing in until he was fully sheathed inside of you. god, he sounded heavenly.

“fucking shit, doll. how are you so tight?” your pussy held his cock in a vice grip. his best girl, making him so proud. 

“denki, denki,”

“what’s that?” his hand on his hip drifted up to your jaw, gripping your chin and leading you to look into his eyes.

“mmh--daddy,”

good girl.

“daddy, ‘m gonna cum, wanna cum so bad,”

“pl-please don’t! i wanna cum with you, if that’s okay? please don’t cum yet.” it was almost cute how his attempt at dominance faded as he begged you. the idea itself sounded heavenly. 

“yeah, yeah, okay, just--please move. please.”

denki placed his hand holding your chin on the bed next to you as he pistoned his hips in and out of you. a moan was torn from your throat as denki’s eyes rolled back into his head.

his pace didn’t increase as he smiled at how your face contorted impossibly hotter.

“you like that? huh? you like when一shit一you like when daddy fucks you nice and slow?”

in all honesty, denki hated how slow he forced himself to fuck you. he just wanted to hear you beg.

“faster!”

“then beg for it.”

you rolled your eyes as you decided to ruin denki just as bad. “daddy, please, please, please fuck me, i’ve wanted your cock for so long i just need you to fuck me! please, i’ll be good, i swear! I need you to fuck me like i deserve. like your bad little girl. please!” 

the direct eye contact you held as you begged him drove kami feral. you smirked as you felt his cock twitch inside of you.

“haah一whatever you want, angel.” denki’s hips slammed in and out of you faster than your brain could process. the sounds of skin meeting skin mixed perfectly with the sound of his breathy little moans and you screaming his name.

kami wrapped one of your legs around his waist, the new angle making his cock stroke that spot inside you just right. kami knew he struck gold when he felt the way you gripped him impossibly tighter.

“yeah? ‘s that the spot? ‘m i making you feel good? tell me im making you feel good.” deep down, you both knew that his words came from a spot of needing to please you. he masked his insecurities with a false sense of dominance. for his sake, you pretended not to notice.

“yeah! god, yeah, right there. god you’re making me一hnngh一making me feel so good.”

“shit, doll, ‘m getting close.” denki’s forehead met yours as one of his hands wrapped gently around the column of your throat. 

you were a goddamn wreck. you needed his cum inside of you so bad. the decision to tell him so proved to be the straw to break the camel’s back.

“cum for me, daddy. cum inside me. please.”

with that, kami gave one, two, three, half hearted strokes before cumming deep inside you. the feeling of his cum filling you up snapped the coil building inside of you. you squirted all over his cock as his pelvis bone dragged against your clit. denki didn’t have any strength left in him left to do anything but whine at the sight. 

2:18 am

you’re not sure when either of you collapsed in sleep. yet, when you woke up an hour later, you felt like you had been hit by a car.

you stood up and tried to waddle to the bathroom, but you almost fell to the floor as you attempted to move. Denki heard the squeak of your mattress as you flopped back down. 

“where--where are you going?” denki asked you, sitting up. his raspy voice was so hot. god, was it everything this man did? did he just live to make you horny?

“i need to pee.”

“then go pee.”

“i--i can’t walk.”

denki stared clueless through the dark. why couldn’t you walk?

oh. 

his face turned bright red.

“do you, uh, need… help?” he sensed more than saw you nod. he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and walked around the bed. he collected you in his arms as he supported your weight and walked you to the bathroom door. in the bathroom light, he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the hickeys littering your neck.

he waited outside the bathroom until he heard the faucet turn off. you slid back into his arms as you opened the door.

it was like you belonged there.

denki wanted to say something. he wanted to ask. he had to know. did you really want what happened? was it a one time thing? were you mad at him? he was terrified of you asking him to leave. 

“denki, what?” you asked quietly as you both walked back.

“huh?” 

“i know you’re thinking about something.” you both sat back on the bed.

“no i’m not! i’m all good.” he smiled and scratched the back of his neck. 

“denki, i know you. talk to me.” you put your hand over his in the dark. god, you were not making this easy.

“it’s, i just, what was that? did you want that? did i take advantage of you? are you okay?”

“denki.” 

“was i okay? are we ever gonna do that again? i mean, i’d like to but not if you don’t want--”

“denki.”

“do you even know how i feel about you?”

“denki.”

the raise of your voice was gentle. you weren’t mad. it sounded like you were smiling. you turned your head to face him. he could see your eyes sparkle through the dark.

“i don’t regret anything about what we just did. you didn’t take advantage of me. i’m okay.  that was the best sex i’ve ever had, and honestly, i’ve wanted to do that for a really long time.”

denki let out a breath he didn’t know that he was holding. “wait, what was that last part?” you could hear the tease and smile in his voice through the dark.

“i’ve wanted to do that for a really long time.” your voice was small.

“oh. me too.” his voice was smaller.

you were quiet for a few moments before you both gathered everything left inside of you as you turned to face each other.

“i’m in love with you.” you said in tandem.

you both were too shy to do anything except stare at each other and smile.

“you mean that?” he asks.

“yeah. do you?”

“yeah.”

he leaned forward to capture your lips in a sleepy kiss. he missed the first time, and his lips landed on the space between your lips and your nose. you both giggled.

not to sound cliche, but the kiss was magical. you felt like you did back in UA, staring at the ceiling and thinking about how kami called you gorgeous that day. you felt like you did when you kissed him that new years eve, those feelings bubbling up inside of you. if denki knew that was how you felt, he would’ve said he felt the same way, just times ten. times a thousand.

“hey y/n?”

“yeah?”

“can i uh, take you out tomorrow night?”

“kaminari, I just begged you to cum inside me and you’re asking to take me out on a date?”

he giggled. “yeah.”

“of course you can take me out tomorrow night.” kaminari licked his lips and smiled.

“good. WAIT-” 

“yes, denki, i’m on the pill!”

he flopped back against the mattress. “thank god!”

[zuffer-weird-girl]

Soulmate Au

Before you meet your soulmate you have to deal with a chibi version of them before actually meeting them. So can you handle it?

Hawks point of view

A/n: finally I kicked the sloth aside and wrote this...

Soulmates weren't a good thing... that was at least what your mother told you.

Soulmates crushed your heart. Not all soulmates accept their own ones with kind hearts and cozy and loveable chibis... Your mother fell for your father, a loveable chibi who appeared in her life, everything was fine until... your birth.

Your father's chibi was cold and uncaring about the baby. The fruit of your mother's unconditional love from him. And with what he returned? Bullshit.

They got separated. They never once married, and the chibis ran away from their owner... never appearing again.

Your father and mother shared your custody even though you pass more time with your mother and the mom of your dad.

"I hope you never get a soulmate (Y/n)." Your mother spoke as she carresed your hair, hate evident on her words as she comforted your crying self due to some hurtful thing your father had said to you.

"W-why not mama?" You sniffled as she wiped your tears with a frown.

"They can hurt you as badly as some knife on your chest sweety. If you happen to have a soulmate, promise me you will not put your heart on their hands, dont give yourself away for the cuteness of some chibi. It may not be real."

That was when you started to have a fear towards the cute things...

.

.

.

You walked around your school, seing all of your classmates cheering or talking about their chibis. Some on their shoulders, others on the top of their heads...

You grimaced. You felt... left out. Despite your fear to getting one, how you wished to find your soulmate... just hoping that you didn't ended up like your mother... or worse, like him.

You had affection towards your dad for a while... but as the years passed by, you noticed how his "play" was more of hurtful words. The man only cared about himself and his money... yet you couldn't leave.

You felt like a bird on a cage.

Sighing, you sitted on a bench... alone. Picking your art supplies as you started to doodle on your notebook. You hummed a song while the pencil on your hand leaved trails of graffiti before smilling at the sound of birds chirping.

Something felt on your notebook then... you let out a confused sound at the thing.. a drop of some red fluid. You looked up and frowned before you went to brush your hair before gasping at noticing it was YOUR blood which had fell.

"W-What?!" You whimpered, now the pain starting to manifest as you hissed. It was like a knife had cutted your skin! And gosh, how it hurted...

Grabbing your things and rushing to the bathroom you didn't noticed something entering your backpack... you wiped at the blood and sighed.

"I will have to go to the enfermary... but what will I tell the nurse?! Suddenly this appeared?! Urgh!" You hitted your forehead in the mirror with closed eyes, opening them slowly after.

Seing a blond and feathered chibi looking up at you. Your eyes widened and blinked to confirm it was real before it squeaked at you. You screamed and dropped in your butt, crawling your way until your back hitted the wall of the bathroom.

The chibi squeaked. A worried sound as he flew, getting closer and closer to you as you trembled.

"S-Stay back-!" You grabbed a ruler that felt and pointed at him, making him stop on his flying as he arched one of his eyebrows and let out a giggle..

Sure, you would laugh as well if someone pointed a ruler to you as if it was a weapon...

"Stay back! Go to your owner or something!" You shouted before he furrowed his eyebrows again, smile fading as he flew and dropped inches awya from you. It came out a soft squeaked, and somehow you could just feel it was like a apology.

"I-Its okay. You just scared me appearing out of no where..." you hesitantly dropped the ruler back and hot on your knees, looking down at the chibi.

It had such messy hair... golden eyes, shining as bright as the sun, yet it carried a deep pain and some sorta of loneliness. You could certainly understand him...

"I'm sorry, did I scared you as well?" He shook his head as he pointed at his own cheek and squeaking at you. You touched the wound and got what he was supposed to say "I'm okay... didn't know where the heck I got from though..." you mumbled the last parts.

He squeaked at you again, opening his little wings and flying at the at the height of your eyes. Some little feather coming out and tickling your cheeks which you giggled a bit.

"So that's your quirk!" You giggled, the chibi letting out a yelp of glee of seing you smile as he did a black flip. "Okay okay, you're nice... Where are your soulmate though?" You tilted your head at it as he stopped and pointed at you.

Oh...

.

.

.

You caried it on the palms of your hands as if it was going to break it... get frowning at him for being so.... handsome and... too perfect.

Your mother's words echoed in your head as you entered your father's car and he drove you out of the school. He saw the chibi and started saying bullshit like "got a soulmate dolly? Heh!"

You ignored at his clearly fake smile and smiled at the chibi flying around your head and chirping and squealing. It reminded you of a bird!

Maybe... you could just trust your own soulmate?

.

.

.

"(L/n)-san!!! You are a life saver!" Your coworker moaned while holding onto the table as you finished your drawing.

"Sure."you giggled before signing it. Waiting a few minutes before you saw the puppy slowly coming out of the paper and jumping at the floor, shaking and barking cutely at your coworkers.

You snorted at hearing the sound of tiny hands clapping inside your jacket pocket. Birdbrain. The chibi always encouraging you of using your quirk.

"Thank you so much! My nephew then will get some ideas on what kind of dog he will want!" Your coworker chuckled at the puppy licking their cheek.

"It will be like this for at least four hours, but then they will return to the paper. Dont forget." You warned, allowing your birdbrain to flee as free as he wanted out of your pocket.

You smiled at him, opening your hand for him to sit on it. Such an ass, your soulmate was surely one of the most laziest man around.

It had passed years since he appeared on the bathroom for you. Yet you felt your guts twist in anxiety at only the thought of getting to know the actual male that was your soulmate...

Words of your mother ringed in your earbuds each time and your relationship with your father was no better than before. Now aparently he was trying to rebuild only because he knows he is getting old and needs help...

A strong crashing and sound of people shouting and crying made you break out of your thoughts. It all happened so fast. Endeavour, the top one hero crashed your window and if it wasn't for your chibi you squeaking loudly and pushing you out of the way you were going to get hitted.

A voice from another hero came up and for some reason the feathers of your chibi ruffled up as he widened his gold eyes up before you rushed out of the building along with him.

:we have to get out of here before this collapse on us!" You shouted as bird squeaked along as you helped some coworkers of yours along the way to get out.

.

.

.

You didn't stay up to watch the fight... you just wanted to get out and go home to where it was safe.

Yet your chibi completely disagree with that as he squeaked, flapped his wings... heck, even threw a chicken wing at your head.

Your birdbrain NEVER would throw a chicken wing away. Never. You come to notice his love for nuggets and other chicken related things like that at a young age, joking about him being a canibal.

You had enough when he just flew past your head when you were going to eat and pushe dyour head while pointing at the winfown

"Fine! You won!" You shouted, glaring at him when he made an action whose was almost shouting hallelujah, before getting out and him flying behind you.

.

.

.

The night was quite beautiful as you and your chibi walked, him rested on your shoulder as he smiled at looking at you.

It was peaceful before he jumped on his feet, his little wings wide open as his feathers ruffle up. Eyes sharp as a Hawk.

"You're okay? Birdy?" You asked in worry before gasping when he just flew like the speed of light away from you.

"BIRDY!" you shouted, running after him on the path of the park.

Shit! If you lost your chibi then you would never get to meet your soulmate! Tears started to form on your eyes as you searched for your chibi oi the dark of the night.

If you werent so anxious and stupid! You could meet your soulmate even if it wasn't for this stupid fear of having a relationship like your mom had!

Suddenly your heard distant squeaking, recognizing as you almost sobbed in relief and followed the sound. Noticing him flying back to you.

"You bird brain! How much did you wanted to-... to.." you stopped talking immediatly when you saw a tony version of you on his arms, smiling and cuddling up to his chest like it knew him for ages..

You blinked before hearing footsteps coming closer, and when you looked past the chibis your heart jumped before being shooted by an arrow.

The man in front of you, was no other than the actual version of your chibi. The number 2 ranking from the heroes. The man whose was know for being way too fast....

"H-Hawks..." you greeted shakily, not quite believing yet. Sure, your chibi reminded you of Hawks a lot, but... it seemed yet more intimate. More clingy and desperate for affection and actual love... You just put in your head that it was another man, with a similiar quirk and appearance as him.

Well, you were wrong. Hawks was indeed your soulmate.

He let out a chuckle at your gretting. His wide eyes and shock washed away with relief, smugness and... love, actual love on his eyes.

"Since we're soulmates, I guess you should at least call me Keigo..." he mused with a smile, taking his visor off to take a good look at you, frowning when his eyes were at the aim of the scar you had... the one whose mysteriously appeared on your skin many years ago before meeting your chibi.

"How long do you have this?" He asked, you felt your cheeks warming in self conscious at it. You never actually cared when other people asked but with him was another story...

"Since my childhood I guess... It was out of no where." You mumbled in embarrassment yet with a smile, praying mentally taht he take your mumble as a joke.

You widened your eyes when his hold brought you closer to him before he touched his forehead with yours, lovingly golden orbs staring at you with care and not a piece of judgement inside them.

"I like it chickadee." You snorted before a series of giggles escaped your lips at this, hounding quite hilarious that you also named your chibi something bird related.

"Chickadee? Really?" You asked breathless as he let out a raspy chuckle.

"Well, you did called the little fella over there birdbrain. Guess we're mates for life..." he mused with his husky voice as the chibis prefered to watch from afar on a nearby tree.

You smiled at him... somehow.. You just knew it this relationship with him was going to work. You were going to be, as he said, mates for life.

[dyketubbo]

when you get a chance, thoughts on seer of space tubbo?

(i am also open to maid of space tubbo, and many others, but i am currently seer leaning)

*wakes up* oh boy time to classpect! under the readmore because seers are interesting enough that i ended up going on a tangent

of course no argument about the aspect because hes 100% a space player, ive discussed heir before i believe, so seer analysis it is, because i havent thought about it before (seers slip my mind sometimes, i love them, my brain is just the equivalent of a ground with a bunch of banana peels and cant handle having more than 4 coherent thoughts at a time).

like said with knights, he doesnt exactly try to tell anyone what he wants to come off as, sure he wants to be intimidating enough that people leave him alone, but, well. he does fit the intimidating thing, its less a facade and more a warning, he doesnt want to hurt anyone, but he will should he deem it necessary (thankfully, tubbos kind enough that he deems it unecessary in most cases). hes a bit too likely to follow through, and its bred from feeling unsafe, rather than feeling insecure. c!tubbo knows he can do things, the cc is more likely to downplay what he does than the character is (not that c!tubbo doesnt, but he does still believe in his abilities, he just doesnt think hes important enough to emphasize his impact. difference between going "oh no it was all __" and going "oh no it wasnt just me" when theres something hes done most of the work on)

so, he almost fits knight, at least in abilities, after all knights are capable and they know theyre capable, and hes very good at the exploitation aspect, pushing limitations and using them for their benefits. i could see him as maybe a knight thats actually gotten past the insecurity and facades already, if we're to consider his spy history as him being pre-actualization. being a space player doesnt really change how solid knight arcs are, so the combination of knight and space doesnt make knight much more fitting for tubbo

similarly, he does fit a few aspects of being a seer (having similar struggles, talking a shitton sometimes, sitting back and observing the world around him when he finds it beneficial to do so, generally very smart especially within their group), but not so much others (seers are often overbearingly smug in a way tubbos a bit too humble for, learning through education rather than experience, having a habit of getting too focused on their goal, and theyre overall passive, being too active is actually how they get themselves into shit, while tubbo gets hurt when hes too passive). seers of space focus more on the present than the future or past, which almost fits tubbo.. if it werent for the fact that he doesnt focus on the future or past out of repression cknsks. not that he would much anyways, but the intentional focus on the present is out of stubborness and trauma rather an actual trait of staying in the present. notably, theres quite a few times where tubbo does think about the past and future, especially when he was younger, and he does try to work towards his ideal future, he just doesnt talk about it much.

funnily enough, because of where seer falls through, he ends up being closer to the mage struggle of, well, getting their asses kicked when theyre too passive because things work out best when theyre involving themselves. mages also have that posturing thing as well, though its connected to intelligence (desperately trying to come off as smarter because they believe theyre still too dumb and naïve, even though theyre actually doing fine), so again, not exactly tubbos kind of posturing. plus, hes pissy, but not pissy enough for a mage, as theyre more likely to get caught up in how fed up they are with everything, while tubbo gets caught up in how much he still cares no matter how much he seems like he doesnt. the space aspect adds that theres.. a shitton of shit happening to and around him, which does fit, at least, and mages of space usually suffer because of their passions, knowledge, and experience, as well as they're rather hands on. again, fits, but, well.

seers and mages are a bit too focused on knowledge for the kind of person tubbo is. hes smart for sure, has a lot of knowledge, and even when hes not a spy he does want to know things and looks for that knowledge, but while he fits the goals and positives of seers (and mages), he doesnt exactly fit their flaws or what happens when theyre unhealthy. not that he needs to show signs of being unhealthy, but even healthy players still show an ability to be the unhealthy versions of their classes. he doesnt get his ass kicked for being too active and tunnel visioned like seers do (and it can sometimes come from ego trips, which tubbos very unlikely to have, even if he fits the "my solution is the most correct here, so we have to follow it" part of it all) like seers, he doesnt have any moments of just refusing to learn and complaining about how everything sucks rather than doing anything about it (nor is he likely too) like mages. he does vaguely fit where the unhealthiness of a knight can come in, propping up a shield to a ridiculous extent and lashing out when their insecurites are picked at, but that feels a bit too reckless to be tubbo (though it does fit tommy).

overall, i can kind of see seer for a slightly different version of tubbo, but it feels too passive for tubbo, if that makes sense. he is passive at least, in terms of classes anyways (note- despite how some classpectors define it, passive doesnt really mean you serve others, its not an insult, it just means you weave your aspect through others, rather than yourself. its the difference between a prince destroying x/destroying through x and a bard allowing destruction of x/inviting destruction through x. still listen to passive classes, thats what seers fall into after all, and seers are very important). its just that tubbo usually gets hurt by being too passive rather than getting hurt by being too active (not that it couldnt happen, which is why i say it could still fit under other circumstances).

speaking of passive v active, if i had to pick a passive class i feel fits tubbo the most, probably heir. active wise, id say maid does actually fit rather well. i feel like ive talked about maid tubbo before but i might be remembering a different analysis so just in case ill generally say i feel he fits the arc of going from a "doormat" to taking their life for themselves. theyre stubborn, stressed out from listening to others, like banter, occassionally silly and can start arguing in circles due to the stubborness (think that one patrick id scene, but smarter). maids are also heavy repressers, they fear being seen as weak, and are unwilling to ask for help. they rely on their environment and hate it.

and, painfully enough, some classpectors state that when pushed into being unhealthy, maids explode. maids are already intimidating on their own, being powerful and smart enough to know what to do with that power, and when they get stressed out enough, they, well, explode. they hurt everyone in one big event (think aradias actions in make her pay). its not necessarily a reckless lashing out at everyone like knights, but a giant burnout that happens to effect everyone. tubbos not at a point where it seems likely for this to happen, but i wouldnt be too surprised if something like it did happen were things to get too be too much. he is the mf with nukes after all. healthy maids are independent, with maids of space specifically, well, making space for themselves and others (sound like a certain snow commune anyone), attempting to start new lives. an independent maid, allowed to be their own person without anyone stepping on them, is a healthy maid. unfortunate for tubbo that his life fucking sucks too hard for him to really get to this point KEKW

heirs fit a similar "followed others then became more independent" arc, mostly unaware that theyre being lead around but, if whats happening aligns with their own ideals, dont really care much that theyre being a follower when they are aware of such. heirs have an instinct to stick to comfort, rather than an instinct to be independent like maids. heirs still need to find their independence and autonomy, but need to do so because they can change things, theyre also very powerful when they play correctly. however, going against what they may feel is best and is more comfortable for them can be actively painful, early heirs often would rather be comfortable and happy even if things arent going well than take the difficult route, know that theyll suffer, and temporarily risk comfort and happiness in an attempt to reach an end they dont know will be there for sure. they can deal with suffering, but choosing to stay constantly aware of this suffering hurts and they struggle with dealing with the fact that they need to be aware to stop the suffering.

heirs change by picking up on subtle details naturally, subconsciously effecting those around them, making either themself or others interact with their aspect differently (or actively not think with their own aspect, in a positive way). heirs, when self aware, want to help. thats an important detail, and its why heirs are often protagonists, they dont have the ambition to do things that only benefit themselves when they realize theyre in a position of power. at their core, heirs usually want to make things better, but learning to move on and better themselves can hurt, and it takes a lot for heirs to to let it be apart of the process.

unhealthy heirs fade. they get so stressed out by getting hurt that they shrink back into themselves, they stick with what makes them comfortable and refuse to acknowledge that they and others are hurting, wrapped up in their more selfish instincts and becoming hard and stressful to deal with. "i want everything to be okay" becomes "i dont want to deal with the idea that nothings okay right now", soon getting to "im okay and you cant tell me otherwise, fuck you if you want to take this away from me, you cant stop me but i will stop you". of course, that last one can be useful if a heir were to use it to change things for the better, but the tunnel vision on "i want to be comfortable even if im making others uncomfortable" is, well. shitty. unhealthy heirs wont actively try to hurt anyone unless pushed, but they can they can still manage to through a lack of acknowledging that they have to help. and well, that sounds somewhat like tubbo, the hurting through a lack of helping, at the very least its present in things like him not visiting tommy during exile (partially because it was safer to just not challenge dream, partially out of guilt and belief that tommy hated him)

heirs of space specifically are about flitting from project to project, learning about what interests them, impatient when others dont share their excitement, and learning when to adapt and move on from things. generally, if i had to put a scale on it, id say tubbos most likely to be a heir, then a maid, then a seer. it all depends on what aspects of him you wanna focus on, really. seer tubbo is really interesting though! i think seers are more smug than he is though, not that he doesnt have his moments, but his tendency to believe hes right isnt all too prominent compared to other traits of his, and its less from a smug "i know whats right" and more just a firm "this isnt right, i have a better idea". he wants to do whats right, but if he feels like he doesnt know whats right, hes willing to rely on others, it just.. takes him a bit of pushing to admit such

[transgenderer]

what are your thoughts and feelings on the foretelling in Left Hand of Darkness? I think you'd have a really interesting read on it

oh pre-warning i read LHoD years ago and my memory is kind of fuzzy, i might mess up important details

hmm, i mean...okay so honestly i dont GET the foretelling, what it's doing in the story. it feels like a big deal, i think at some point i had the foretelling pitched to me as part of the premise of LHoD. le guin is clearly saying a lot with foretelling. lemme enumerate them real quick

the hainish universe is at least somewhat deterministic, and it feels the same as our world, in general. therefore, implicit claim that our world would feel about the same if it was deterministic. "our world is deterministic" not claimed, but implied-plausible

prophecy isnt a big deal. winter has prophecy, its had it for a long time, and it doesnt really matter. its certainly not treated like the greeks and stuff treated their prophets.

schizophrenia is maybe not just brokenness, maybe it carries with it some sort of insight

the tension of sex and sexual feelings is immensely powerful, as powerful as years of meditation or madness

and its the latter that ive really been playing with. the gethen's gender/sexuality thing in LHoD feels like it's *mostly* about gender, thematically, but the sexuality stuff is really compelling to me. calling the perpetually-sexed "perverts" is ofc a statement abt gethenian culture, but i think it's also intentionally confrontational to the reader. might we be less perverted if we werent always potentially-horny? if we could be our philia selves almost all of the time, and quarantine eros to a little separate zone? would it be a good thing to tame these feelings?

i also feel like...there's an acknowledgement of the weird intense headspaces sexual feelings can get you into, theres an implicit comparison to literal madness. theres sort of this...idk, this "dialectic" (ugh) of "sex is meaningless and fun" and "sex is special and sacred and should be sparse and controlled" and i think...i mean everyone sort of gets that sex is actually this third other thing, but it has unique features that make language somewhat inadequate. it is both meaningless and fun AND special and sacred in a way that neither diminishes the other? like, transcendent headspaces are real, but also something that isnt THAT hard to acquire. our minds are untamed, humans are perverts, we're always temples that are impossible to profane?

okay so to get away from sex. determinism. so, this relates to some thoughts ive been having about les mis lately. and about fiction in general (long-term brainsediment kicked up into the water by hadestown). which is, okay, accept its all predetermined, and not just predetermined but tragedy? well...fuck, huh? you were always going to have made that mistake, you were always going to suffer the way you did, it was always going to have been pointless. what next? we know from the foretelling they were always gonna end up in the ekumen. could estraven have lived? could it have happened another way? the book doesnt say. but i suspect so. i suspect thats the point. so was estraven's death "worth it"? not really. iirc it didnt really cause them to join, just the earliest stuff. but it couldnt have been any other way. assuming the grand summary at the end of the world comes up positive, was it all worth it? if it comes up negative, was none of it?

oh! and the explicit thing, where foretelling was developed to teach people the pointlessness of the right answer to the wrong question. what would have been the right question? is there a right question? idk. le guin is on some taoist shit which i find...fully incompatible with my brain