#but since i’m not not used to being substantially sick anymore it means i’m gonna complain about it when i am sick so there 😤

[ducktracy]

i am literally so mad that i have waited years to write this review of Daffy’s Southern Exposure and when i finally do i get the worst cold i have had at least within the past 5 years and am too sick to write a substantial amount. like come on. COME ON! i would almost rather it be COVID because that’s at least a valid excuse!!!!! sorry this post nasal drip made me nauseous and then i got mad that i was nauseous because i also had a bad stomach bug two weeks ago that also prevented me from writing. needless to say i hope you all enjoy the review when it’s out because my goodness it is giving me a hard time. thank you for your patience again 😤🙏

[real-jaune-isms]

RWBY Volume 8 Chapter 11 Review/Remix

Not the most action packed chapter we’ve ever had, and certainly not as dramatic as Chapter 11s from past Volumes. But this week had some wonderful surprises and existential dread and depression in equal measure and I think that’s a formula for a pretty damn good watch.

Despite the devastating energy bomb Oscar delivered last episode, we open with the city of Atlas overrun with tons of Grimm. The people are still hiding in the subway, fearing for their lives twice over now that Ironwood’s monologue is playing and showing just how off his rocker he is. Those in the crater mines take it far worse, though we see some of the humans and faunus who had previously seemed on edge with each other holding one another in solidarity and comfort. Fiona breaks down in tears and is pulled into a Happy Huntress group hug by Joanna and May, so it’s a small comfort to see they’re all still alive.

Ironwood and Winter walk the halls of Atlas command together, and Winter can’t help but notice the fearful reverence the general’s presence instills in lesser officers. The Ace Ops are talking things over in the wake of their boss’ ultimatum, and Elm is of the belief that Ironwood was just bluffing about nuking Mantle if he doesn’t get what he wants. Vine agrees it may very well be the kick in the pants Team RWBY and the others will need to finally see the right path, but we the audience are getting pretty sick of hearing this shtick. Marrow thinks Ironwood is taking this too far, and Harriet is just angrily indifferent about the whole thing. Ironwood rounds the corner and addresses the squad with their new orders: get some drones ready to drop the bomb. Winter asks why exactly they need to actually make those kind of preparations, and he makes it clear that he really does intend to remove Mantle from the equation if he is prompted to. He actually thinks committing this massacre, nay genocide, will make Penny more willing to return to his command if she no longer has an alternative job. No, dumbass, she’ll only want to defy and even kill you more! This is how he believes they will save Atlas, but Marrow has had more than enough and calls him on his shit for a line like that. All this is doing is helping Salem in her mission to divide and destroy the world, and it’s spitting in the face of everything Marrow thought the Atlas military stood for. Harriet threatens to clean his clock if he doesn’t shut up, and Vine again suggests that this would be a necessary sacrifice for the good of the Kingdom. Elm tries to agree, to say that this should be their top priority whether they like it or not, but Marrow has more to say. He can’t believe any of them actually buy the nonsense they’re spouting, and wants to know if there’s anything his teammates actually believe in anymore. With so many moral compromises, where do they draw the line of patriotism vs fascism? The faunus man gives a pretty good clincher to his tirade by calling his badge and rank nothing more than a collar. Say what you want about the writing of the faunus discrimination subplots in the prior volumes, I think this was pretty good. Ironwood isn’t about to let Marrow walk away from a rant like that without consequences and we can hear his cocking his gun. Marrow hears it too, but before he can react Winter comes in from his right with a sucker punch that knocks him to the floor. As she drops a knee on Marrow’s back to cuff him for insubordination we see Ironwood was a second away from shooting this man, one of his few trusted elite soldiers left, in the back of the head for an execution without mercy or hesitation. She just saved his goddamn life and that makes her an MVP for this Volume. The other Ace Ops realize this close encounter with death too, and they all share the same expression of shock fear dread and confusion. Not even Vine can hide how much he doesn’t like what could have just occurred. Winter says she’s going to take this “traitor” to the brig where he belongs and Ironwood allows her to leave and do so, only taking his finger off the trigger once they’ve walked past him. Those with a better understanding of trigger discipline than I could probably make something poignant out of that, so have at it if you can. What is abundantly clear to us is that Winter will be taking Marrow no such place. She has absolutely had enough and she’s about to desert with him in tow. The remaining three have to get back in line and spend a little time rethinking their positions on this job. Well, at least one of them will be, I don’t think Harriet is gonna change course after what she’s already done.

From one tense situation to another, we go to the Schnee manor dining room where Team RWBY are trying to figure out their next moves with Oscar and Emerald. They know they don’t want Ironwood getting his hands on Penny, but they don’t know what to do instead that won’t result in mass casualties. They don’t know that Robyn and Qrow have flown the coop and might come to their aid soon, and under Ironwood’s watch there’s no way to try and evacuate the people in the crater before he drops the bomb. It’s a real bad situation with no clear solutions or backup plans. Emerald can’t help but be snarky and say if the perpetual optimism engine that is Ruby can’t think of what to do then there’s no right answer at all. Weiss is annoyed that Em is giving them sass when they really don’t need any, but Yang is downright furious and her to GTFO if she doesn’t like trying to help them solve this. Emerald tenses up when Yang stomps towards her with clenched fists, and her hands go to her weapons in case she needs to defend herself. We know Yang wouldn’t actually throw a punch even if she’s mad like this, but Em doesn’t. Probably because the most substantial thing connecting the two of them was the time Emerald used her semblance to make Yang look like a heartless brute who would break a leg for no reason on live TV. Also Emerald doesn’t have the best role models for how to handle frustration... Oscar continues to insist they all just take a deep breath and remember the big picture rather than lose it over small disagreements, and reminds them that Em is going to be staying on their side cuz Salem won’t let her safely be anywhere else. But when he tries to reassure the group with a reminder that Oz is back to offer help too it just tenses the situation further. Ruby’s got her head in her arms on the table, and she’s really having a hard time of it all. Oscar muses about all the negative personal energies keeping them from a productive cohesion, and Ruby pops off. A day’s worth of their best efforts, hard fought battles and painful consequences, and nothing has gotten better. Just like at the start of the Volume, all they’ve been able to do is argue over what to try and do while Atlas heads towards its demise. Yang tries to put an encouraging hand on her shoulder but she brushes it off and runs out of the room in a huff. Everyone silently realizes how much they’ve fucked this up if Ruby is so hopeless and desperate, and Yang follows her sister out of the room.

Upstairs, Jaune is doing his best to boost Nora’s Aura and help her heal faster, but it’s not doing anything about her lightning scars. Those babies are here to stay, and I don’t mind it. It shows history, survival and a damn good story about what she’s been able to power through. Ren is sitting at the foot of the bed, and the best he’s able to offer is how glad he is Nora is okay. She seems indifferent and even passive aggressive at the diagnosis on her scars, claiming it’s just another example of her being classic dumb Nora. Ren tries to object that this wasn’t her being stupid or foolhardy, but she bites back at him with all the resentment she seems to have been holding in since they split ways yesterday. He’s got no right to say what it was or wasn’t, he wasn’t there to see it. He pushed away from her when things went wrong because he didn’t want to have to feel anything he thought would be too hard to deal with. Ren makes no effort to argue, he knows she’s right and he apologizes profusely for how he wronged both her and Jaune. He regrets the things he said to them, or more likely the things he said to Jaune out on the tundra since he and Nora haven’t exactly talked much. He admits he’s been mad at himself for not measuring up to their mentor figures in the Ace Ops, for how little he could help when Tyrian came a’ slashing at Robyn’s election rally, and for slipping up and letting Neo get away with the Lamp. Mentioning the rally of course gets Nora’s attention away from her pissed off brooding, and she does start to listen a little more sympathetically. Ren says that he tried to tunnel vision on getting stronger in the hopes it would mean he wouldn’t fail again and bring the team down with him. We know from Ironwood how bad tunnel vision is, so I’m glad Ren is realizing it was a bad choice. Ren has realized now that by doing all that he failed the worst of all, that being in his role as a member of this team and as a partner to Nora. The two of them lock eyes, and Jaune notices the deeper meaning behind this prolonged eye contact and knows he should make himself scarce for now so they can have this more important conversation sans his third wheeling ass. Good boy, but a bit over the top excusing himself.

All Nora can find the words to ask is why Ren hadn’t said anything about these personal doubts sooner so they could try and deal with it and grow as a team, and he says he wanted to try and solve it himself because it was his problem and he was the one dragging the group down because of it. She disagrees on the grounds of her own perceived failings, being silly of mind and strong of muscle and little else of value. Ren won’t hear that kind of self depreciation sitting down, so he moves further up the bed to sit by her lap. He tries his best to give her affirmations by rephrasing her qualities as great things but she’s just not willing to hear it... until he gets a little more passionate about it than he may have meant to. These are the things he loves about her. Because he loves her. Lie Ren tells Nora Valkyrie “I love you”. Nora knows in her heart he really means that, but she has some things she wants to get off her chest. In the single sentence of backstory we get, her mom apparently abandoned her and fled from a Grimm attack before she ended up in Kuroyuri meeting Ren. SInce then they’ve always been an inseparable pair, and she wouldn’t give up a day of that for anything. But now she realizes she needs some time to really learn who she is as her own person and fighter, and going back to being as close as they were wouldn’t allow that kind of growth. Because Nora loves Ren too, always has. And she can tell their separate missions have done him some good too, but she needs a little more time before she’s ready to be the partner a great guy like him deserves. She just wants to know if that kind of request is okay with him. He puts a hand against her cheek and lovingly wipes away the tear she had shed. Of course that’s okay. He’s proud of her for being mindful of her own happiness and growth, and is willing to put the relationship they both very much look forward to having on hold while she grows as a person. This is a very healthy dynamic and all meming aside we really love to see it portrayed so naturally and acceptably in media. And for good wholesome measure, Ren Boops Nora. They laugh and smile and press their foreheads together because Rooster Teeth loves showing us that as a sign of proximity and intimate comfort.

Cutting to something far less happy, Qrow is retrieving Harbinger and Robyn’s gauntlet crossbow from a locker in what I assume might be evidence lockup. He asks Robyn if she’s got the security cameras running on loop, presumably so they can sneak through the halls undetected, but she is currently distracted. At least one screen is feeding audio of Ironwood’s threat to Mantle, and others are showing he really is gearing up to do so. Qrow tries to reassure her by resolutely saying they’ll stop him before he has the chance to, but she doesn’t seem to pleased with that plan. Regardless, they make their way through the halls and head for an elevator to take them up to the Academy. After avoiding being spotted by guards, they make it to the elevator but Robyn stops Qrow before he can hit the call button. She tries to advocate for a better way to solve this, he insists there isn’t one. Robyn says it’s not just about Qrow so it isn’t his choice alone to make what is or isn’t the only solution. Qrow just keeps insisting that this is what he’s gonna do and when he does it’ll all be safe and over with, but Robyn tries to suggest success isn’t guaranteed and if they fail it’ll only doom hundreds more than if they try something else. Qrow doesn’t give a damn, he just yells that Ironwood deserves to be killed, because in case the pronoun game was too hard Qrow is dead set on doing a murder. Robyn claps a hand over Qrow’s mouth and pushes him against the wall because they ARE still trying not to get caught remember? I really have to admit on my first watch I thought this was gonna be an eruption of some kind of romantic tension I just hadn’t noticed til now and she was going to shut him up with a kiss. But no, thank god they didn’t pull that tired trick. After making sure the coast really is clear, she gets to the heart of things. She can tell Qrow is in pain, he’s mourning, and its a shroud he’s well accustomed to. But don’t act like this is righteous justice for the people at large, Qrow wants blood on his hands purely for personal vengeance. She acknowledges that Clover had a lot of qualities worth looking up to the way Qrow had, but she thinks that at the end of the day Qrow has proven to be the better man and the better Huntsman. I feel like she could have phrased that a touch better so as to not speak quite so ill of the recently deceased, but the pep talk is there. He’s got the will to fight for what he believes is the right course of action rather than just what a higher up says he needs to, and that is the sort of strength of character that’s worth a whole lot in this world, so she hopes he won’t go abandoning it now that the going is even rougher. He seems to be calmed and inspired by this, but before any more words are said the elevator pings that it’s stopping on this floor so the two ready their weapons to fight whoever emerges. The doors open, but we have the perspective of whoever is inside looking out to see the two hunters drop their guard in confusion. As that is the end of that scene we will not be finding out who they saw for at least another week, but I think it’s most likely to be Winter and Marrow and the four of them will form an unlikely alliance.

Back in Schnee manor, Yang reaches the foyer to see Ruby sitting on the stairs clutching a banister. Instead of going right up to her Yang goes past to take a look at the collapsed suit of armor. She’s heard by now how Ruby and the others managed to kill the Hound, and tries to give her little sis amused props for doing what the elder sibling couldn’t. Instead Ruby just asks if Yang knows what they saw inside the Grimm. Yang says she does, and tenses up like she wants to brush past this very depressing topic Ruby is hinting at. Ruby is having none of that and just says what we’ve all been thinking. Summer Rose was most certainly turned into a Grimm too. Fearing the possibility in her head was one thing, but to hear Ruby say it aloud with a voice so hollow and hopeless is too much and Yang falls to her knees sobbing in a second flat. Yang tries to wipe the tears away, to be calm and strong like always, but Ruby isn’t stopping. They know Salem used to want Silver Eyed Warriors dead because of Maria’s brush with death years ago, but now Salem wants Ruby brought in alive and it seems obvious why. So why wouldn’t it be the case that Summer was the turning point, that fighting her was when Salem realized she could do so much more with her mortal foes? Ruby has had enough of lying to themselves for the sake of optimistic hope, her hope that Amity could get a message out got them nowhere but further failure and she blames herself for being childish. Yang takes her hand and assures her that it wasn’t childishness but rather optimism and hope. Those are things they desperately need in this struggle, but to be blindly optimistic can certainly be bad so they need to be smart about which risks they take. Ruby still isn’t about to concede this point because the risk she took was a failure and their message didn’t bring any help. I should like to remind the reader/viewer that it took about a week for Team RWBY to get from Mistral to Atlas and this message went out... 12 hours ago? Maybe 16? You’re giving up the ghost a little soon there sweetie, though they do need that help ASAP so better late than never isn’t really a viable option. Yang reminds Ruby that her plan was a bust too, but she kept trying to do good things that weren’t part of the plan and they did some good there. Summer took a risk too, by leaving for the mission she never came back from. And there’s little question that went according to plan either, but she still did her best and Yang still considers Summer her hero. As she embraces her little sister, I get the strong feeling that Summer isn’t the only Rose she considers her hero either... and by the tears that start welling up in Ruby’s eyes she clearly knows that.

Their sweet moment is shattered by the sound of equally shattered glass, and Jaune comes rushing down the stairs to tell them to get outside immediately. Penny woke up and the virus is in control again to make her head for the Vault without delay. Ruby bursts into her path to beg her to stop, and it does get her to start struggling against her digital orders. She begs to be stopped, and Ruby wraps her arms around her because honestly she’s just trying her best and with a weapon like Crescent Rose she’s gotta have some upper body strength. But that’s pretty meaningless against Penny’s rocket boots as she takes off with Ruby in tow. Blake and Ren use Gambol Shroud and Storm Flower (thank god for the grappling hook upgrade last Volume) to try and pull her down by each arm with the rest of their teams providing tug of war style support. Weiss uses a black glyph to really hold her in place once her feet are on the ground again. Before anyone can figure out what to do to properly subdue her Penny uses her magic to summon a cold vortex and blow them all off guard so she can start flying away again, still repeating her orders to open the Vault and self-terminate, though now she sounds emotional and conflicted about it due to her mental struggle. Before she can get any farther, a new set of chains grab her shoulders. Emerald has joined in, and even if it was a small gesture I found myself very enthusiastic to see her pitching in for the rescue. She yells for someone to do something already, and Jaune lets go of Blake’s side of the struggle (guess it would have been off balance if him Nora and Oscar were all helping Ren) to boost Weiss’ Aura so she can make a stronger inertia glyph. Back on the ground, Ruby hugs Penny again and asks how she can help her friend. And Penny says Ruby should kill her. If she does, Penny guarantees Ruby will be the one she gives the Winter Maiden powers to. None of the group like hearing this idea one little bit, but she thinks it’s the only way since she can’t fight the virus. But once again Nora swoops in with the sage words about it only being a part of you and not letting that be the end of it. Penny’s more than just a robot receiving orders, she’s got human spirit and willpower that’s been resisting for so long. This gets the gears in Ruby’s head turning and she realizes the human part can be what saves her. Jaune needs to boost her Aura, which he rushes over to do immediately. It seems to do the trick, and her soul is doing a much better job of keeping the virus contained, though it’s not gone forever. Everyone comes in for a happy group huddle, and she is assured that she is far more than a machine and that humanity is what will keep her going in spite of the remaining virus. It’s a very soft and touching moment. 

Then Emerald has something to say. They’re wrong... about being in the same place they started yesterday. They’ve made progress even though they can’t quite see it right now. They’ve taken some hits, and she admits some of that has been her fault, but that’s war so you gotta roll with the punches and fight on. She just really won’t like it if they give up the moment she decides she’ll fight by their side, okay?! It’s not like she likes these friendly, kind, understanding and emotionally complex fellow teens that are willing to take her in, baka!!! Oscar points out that she’s admitted she wants to stay with them and they all have a happy laugh realizing she’s got a softer side after all. Oscar helps her back to her feet, then addresses the group. Ozpin has some things he wants to say to them all, if they’re willing to hear it. They all share a look and decide that yes, they will listen. Oz comes forth and immediately launches into a speech about a fairy tale. Typical. We can presume these are further details about “The Girl who Fell Through the World”, and he says that girl took her grand trip to run away from consequences of a choice she has to make. But her problems only grow because the initial issue was never resolved. That’s the very thing he’s done here, his problem being the consequences of the truth and his past coming to light. He regrets not trusting them with the whole story and he regrets retreating into Oscar’s mind when he was found out. The group decides they understand where he was coming from a bit since in that interim they had to make some impossible choices about trust too. Trusting in someone is a risk, and they decide they’ll take that risk on him one more time. From the look of things, that second chance is going to Emerald too, and I hope she makes them proud. Penny winces again and it’s clear that one way or the other they will need to take her to the Vault. Ruby thinks on that for a second and realizes that’s actually worth a shot considering who they have at their disposal and the likelihood of it not going exactly how Ironwood thinks it will. To that end we see Ironwood down in the Vault receiving a call from Ruby saying Penny will be there. He sets the stipulation that Penny meet him at the entrance of the Academy and she has to come alone. I’m sure no green haired illusionist will play a hand in whether or not she really is alone... But either way there will be unexpected company because Watts hooked up a broken Scroll to the wiring of an Atlas robot to listen in on Ironwood’s call and know where the meeting will be. Neo arrives in the alley where the doctor and Cinder waiting, and it seems miss Fall has a scheme to get the ice cream psycho precisely what she’s demanding of them.

But what exactly these carefully laid plans will be has to wait a little while, cuz that’s the end for this week. Great job all around for this well balanced episode with many kinds of scenes and many ways to make my heart hurt...

[mermaidcashton]

all the pretty girls

author: claire (@mermaidcashton) ship/AU: calum hood/luke hemmings, genderswap!AU prompt: “Kissing you is all I’ve thought about since the moment we met.”  wordcount: 1519 warnings: swearing, hint of sexual content  dedication: this one is for gay!sos group chat, and all the other wlw 5sos fans 💘 a/n: • so, i wanted wlw!5sos and established relationship, self-indulgent, domestic cuteness and i...think i have achieved that? lol • written for @maluminspace & @h0tsos​ ‘s 5sos fic writers collab (in which we all chose from a list of AU’s and had the above prompt quote to include - i will share the masterlist for you to see everyone elses when it’s finished!) • i do not give permission for this (or any of my writing) to be reposted, by anyone, on this or any other website. please don’t do it! • title from ‘honey’ by kehlani 

all the pretty girls ***

all the pretty girls in the world but i'm in this space with you 

***

“Kissing you is all I’ve thought about since the moment we met.” “Oh!” Luke gasped, burying her head further into Calum’s shoulder. Calum was bemused. “Haven’t you seen this movie like ten times?” “Fuck,I think I’ve seen this movie ten times.” Calum would be seriously questioning her life choices if she hadn’t taken into account that every time she’d ever watched it, she’d had the hottest woman she’d ever met pressed against her. That seriously balanced the scales of shitty cinema, in Calum’s opinion. 

“It’s just so cute.” Luke sniffed. Calum pretended not to notice her wiping her nose on Calum’s sleeve; she looked cute enough in it to get away with almost anything.

Right now Luke was wearing avocado print pyjama shorts and Calum’s Santa Cruz sweatshirt (despite owning at least 300 separate items of clothing, in Calum’s most conservative estimations), with her blonde hair in a messy bun and the beginnings of a snotty nose. Her eyelashes were glossy with the tears she’d brushed away, and Calum thought she’d still be willing to watch every straight-to-video 00’s rom com ever made as long as it was what Luke wanted. 

“Does this seriously not make you emotional? He gave up Paris for her! Paris, Calum!” Luke whined, craning her neck to look up at Calum from her position under her arm, her lithe body laid across the sofa.  

Calum smirked. “Come on, babe; you know ‘Wall-E’ is the only movie that makes me feel anything.”

Luke rolled her eyes, but giggled all the same before pressing on insistently.  “It’s so romantic, though. Isn’t this the most romantic thing you’ve ever heard?” “No?” Calum scoffed, settling back against the mountain of cushions that seemed to grow every time they went to Ikea. Then it struck her. “Hang on, are you saying that’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever heard?!” 

“Yeah…” Luke let out another dreamy sigh before stilling almost imperceptibly. Oh, shit.

“What?!” Calum said, already looking more indignant than the time Luke had accidentally cheered for Arsenal insead of Liverpool (“Your Liverpool shirt is red, Calum! What the hell is an away kit?! I hate football!”). “Obviously I wasn’t includi-” Luke tried to recover, but Calum was too far gone. “I write the sickest anniversary cards! My last Valentine’s Day card to you? Fuckin’ poetry, Luke! I mean, not literally because that’s lame as fuck, but I am romantic as shit!”

Calum knew that generally speaking, people would consider Luke to be the more romantic in the relationship. Everyone who lived within 5 miles of their apartment had probably heard Luke tell Calum she loved her, or seen her entwine their hands, or pout her lips for a kiss she had to have right that second, at least twice. She was more prone to posting photos of Calum on Instagram with captions that ranged from sweet to thirsty as hell. Every time she attempted to bake for Calum, it would almost always be using a heart-shaped mould or cutter she’d found at the pound shop down the street. And at Calum’s gigs, everyone always knew exactly where she was in the crowd because Luke was yelling about the incredibly sexy bassist with the best basslines in the history of bass at every possible moment. 

However, Calum thought her own brand of romance of just as valid, and Luke seemed to like it. Calum was a fan of surprising Luke with flowers, albeit wild bouquets of sunflowers and daisies rather than roses or peonies (“Wildflowers for my Wildflower.”), and of playing records on vinyl that she thought Luke would like - or that reminded her of her girlfriend - while they ate a dinner Calum had made from scratch because she’d seen a recipe online that she knew Luke would love. Calum also trusted Luke in a way that was rare for her, and lying in the dark of the their bedroom, speaking out loud things she’d never told anyone - childhood memories of her parents messy divorce, her deepest fears, greatest dreams, biggest secrets - whilst her girlfriend rubbed comforting circles over her hip and placed gentle kisses on her shoulder, felt intimate and special in a way Calum hoped Luke felt was romantic. And like she said - her card writing skills were sick.     

Luke sat up on the sofa, freeing herself from underneath Calum’s arm. She clicked the pause button on the remote, dropping it onto the rug as she threw her hands up in surrender. “I’m sorry, I take it back; you are the most romantic I only meant in, like, movies and stuff! Obviously you are the most romantic and beautiful and I love you!”

Calum sniffed, trying to keep her sad face on without breaking. “Obviously not, as I don’t have a European city to not go to for you…”  Luke saw her girlfriend’s mouth twitch at the corner. Right. She tucked her long legs underneath herself, settling back on the sofa as she spoke. “Like I said, I take it back - I was wrong.” 

Calum could count on one hand the amount of time she had heard Luke say those three words during their relationship, and was ready to celebrate a substantial victory, until she clocked the smile spreading across Luke’s face that spelled trouble.

Luke continued in a purposely casual voice. “The actual most romantic thing I’ve ever heard was on our third date, when you drank all those daiquiris and told me that one day you were gonna ‘fucking wife me’.” Calum groaned and tried to sink back into the sofa so it could swallow her whole; this plan was thwarted by all the Ikea cushions.

“Shut up, that wasn’t me. You must have me confused with your other girlfriend. I don’t even drink daiquiris.” Luke’s distinctive laugh filled Calum’s ears; she loved that sound (it was in her top 3 sounds that Luke made), but right now she felt so embarrassed at the memory of her nerves getting the better of her in a Tapas restaurant that she couldn’t really enjoy it.

“Maybe not anymore! But Ashton told me how much of the morning after you spent with your head in the toilet, so I guess it makes sense you gave them up.” Luke teased, her blue eyes bright with mischief.

“I hate Ashton.” Calum mumbled, with nowhere near as much heat as was currently in her cheeks.

Luke’s giggles had taken on a unmistakable air of victory; Calum could not let this stand.

“Right, that’s it; we’re watching ‘Pulp Fiction’!” Calum declared, leaning down to feel around on the floor in the dimly lit living room for the remote where Luke had abandoned it. “Noooo!” Luke whined, reaching out to grab Calum’s wrists as she rose in triumph. “Cal!” She pouted as she missed entirely. It had always made Calum laugh when Luke tried to overpower her in any way; she was clumsy, and she wasn’t quick or strong enough to get the jump on Calum, unless she cheated (which she often did). In the past, Calum had hoped Luke wouldn’t notice the way she clenched her thighs together when the blonde would wiggle against her, bite her lip, whine or pant. Inevitably, as their relationship had continued, Luke had become fully aware of the effect she had on Calum, and now employed her sexuality as a weapon against Calum whenever she deemed it necessary. Nowadays, she tended to cut to the chase, as she was now. Calum barely registered the remote being extracted from her slackening grip as Luke held the grey sweatshirt and her cropped pyjama top up above her chin with one hand. She did register Luke’s small but perfectly formed tits, and wondered briefly what they had been talking about. Luke didn’t let her clothes drop back down to cover her breasts until she’d already unpaused the movie and stashed the remote underneath the armrest on her side of the sofa. 

“That...was savage.” Calum deadpanned, shaking her head as she clambered to her feet. Luke put on her most innocent smile (which was not that innocent if you knew her as well as Calum did). “Do you want another drink?” “Yes please, gorgeous.” Luke replied with her eyes still fixed to the screen, her lips moving in the time with the actress on screen with the dodgy bangs. Calum rolled her eyes fondly before making her way to their small kitchen in search of rosé.

She didn’t notice it until she closed the fridge again, but Luke had responded. 

Earlier in the day, Luke had used their alphabet fridge magnets to spell out ‘BUY MORE MILK’. Upon seeing this just after lunch, Calum had immediately checked she had the right letters to arrange the obvious reply; ‘NO FUCK U’, giggling to herself the whole time she’d been doing it. She let out a snort, picking up the personalised wine glasses Michael had gifted them when they moved in together. She set off back towards the living room, idly thinking about what movie she was going to demand they put on when this torture was over.

‘NO U’.

***

my masterlist   • please let me know what you think of wlw!cake and if you would like to see more of them here!

[tylerwritez]

Tuesday, june 22 2021

I've noticed I'm getting "the shiverys" or "the twitchy" a lot today. Like every time I FEEL something I take a moment to violently tic.... every time I think about certain things I tic.... good things, bad things, things from an hour ago and things from years ago. Tic, tic, tic.

Also, I have... some stuff to explain. Its really no big deal, but you know me: I'll freak out about it anyway. Basically I dissed my friend (rightfully so) around the time that we had just met cos they did something that threw me off.

He saw it in my phone... NOW. it's not RELEVANT anymore and I've since redacted that criticism...and now I gotta explain it to him anwyays. Oh well. I'm good at this stuff. I can get myself outta any situation. I dont even know why I'm talking like this tho... it's not a "Situation" it's just smthn I gotta explain rq.

Oh, today's song recommendation is Spirit Crusher by Death. I'm a huge Death fan...

Also! I gotta study... for my replacement exam. How stressful. Its about photosynthesis, but like, it's not simple. We went DEEP inside those fucking leaves.

One sec, lemme hook up my IV tube

Not an ACTUAL IV tube... just my headphones. But since I'm so #emo, it might as well be a fucking IV tube with the way that I cant live without it.

Its 3:08 and I'm walking home now. I was upset last night but me and Star have made up now lol... it was thAt easy. I'm so defective, making shit hard when it doesnt need to be.

It's so hot out damn. Idk. I had school today, so I had Bio class... I ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION for once. I had lunch with Star and her friend group, and I honestly kinda feel like they're MY friends now too, even just a little bit.

Actually, I used to rant about feeling lonely like all the time but now I have so many friends it's crazy they all keep inviting me places and it's like people WANT ME AROUND... idk. It makes me happy.

Today I gotta ask if tommroow after school I can go to Bee's house to watch Supernatural (famous homoerotic ghost show)

I should also add songs to Erin's spotify playlist for our picnic saturday which I still need permission to go to.

I gotta ask for Wednesday after school to watch Insidious with Jay  which is apparently really good

Also hes the friend that I gotta explain stuff to... the DrAmA... the ThEaTrE....

Update my dad said yes to hanging out with Bee but first I'm gonna miss school to fix my broken brackets on my braces

Also turns out the house I THOUGHT we were moving into has substantial damage from shifting so... we aRENT moving there.

In case you didn't know, shifting is when like the house that's been built literally SHIFTS like it moves around.

Anwyays Jay just texted me... I'm gonna change into shorts since it's hot, set up my study area,.... and respond to him.

The time is 3:22 p.m.

Wish me. Luck.

Luck is plentiful! As it so often is in my risky, risky life.

I play my cards right. It's a learnt skill.

But also there wasnt much to explain since it passed already and was tiny anywyas.

XD so I've made up with the whole goddamn world by now.

Its 6:31, we saw 1 house. Only one. Its kinda hot out but I'm gonna bike now since we just had supper. I finally finished my homework... I just have to finish one mixed media piece as my final project for art!

Friday is my replacement. On photosynthesis and cell resp. We know this. But what I didn't mention, or I dont THINK I did, is that if I finish my art project before then I have the second block FREE!!! Me, Star, and her friend

A are planning to leave for second block and maybe get mint chocolate chip ice cream!

Also I might eat her out XD

Anyways idk. I hope I can bike tonight to call Jay.

I keep accidentally using people's real names here then having to correct it... I dont know how much i care about MY identity being discovered... but to have my friends doxxed would suck.

Man I feel bad abt saying fuck star last night cos we made up....

Wait we r looking at another house? Idk I'm in the car still waiting to go home

Oh wait no now we r goin home

Its 6:39... I hope I still have time.

I went biking, called Jay. Went home. Idk, friendly conversation... we talked more tonight and I also talked to my other friend A. Jay is... I LOVE HIM?? SO MUCH??? I feel so happy. Talking to him thinking about him seeing his STUPID FUCKING FACE JESUS. his eyes alone... I could stare at his face all day probably. I want to kiss him... hOLD HIS HAND... omg... huG HIM!!! Eofjwpxjwie he's so sweet like I can't even... and I'm proabably not good enough for him like. Wtf. Hes easily a 10. And I dont rate things outta 10. How tf do I end up with HIM? Doing stuff, as friends. Like wHAT. I guess I got lucky XD. He says he loves my personality and I'm hot XD ofc I dont see it myself. But like. JESUS CHRIST he could proabably easily pull whOever. XD me?

Whatever though. As long as we r together and stuff. I LOVE HIM A LOT. he said he loved me. Every time he says that it makes me so overly happy.

Maybe I'm just sappy and stuff.... whatever. I think it would be nice to be hugged by him.

Yeah I'm cheesy.

I'm sorta tired now so maybe I'm not writing the best.

I just keep thinkinf about love. Love is a muscle of evil suggestion. But how evil can it really be? I am just a human being and that is all. Everything else is applied. I am just a human being with soemthing in my heart that pulls me all over the place. Love is this strange thing because I'm fucked up and to be able to love without that fucked up part of me, without the damage... is this complicated, hard thing to do and I can NEVER tell if I'm doing it right but I know I'm DOING IT. I know I FEEL LOVE. And soemtimes it's such an intense thing like when you go to surf on a wave at the beach with ur belly but u hit it wrong and it's so big and overwhelming it washes over you and PULLS you down to the bottom and smushes your face into the sand and YOU CANT BREATHE jesus Christ it's like that.

Or maybe I just want to experience love as it should be felt.

Obviously all of my problems surrounding this Damage could be easily fixed if I went to therapy but. there are reasons I can't.

I LOVE a lot. Too much for my own good. Enough to hurt me, get me into trouble, etc etc but also... enough to liberate me. I LOVE. I love Jay. So much. LIKE. MY BRAIN ORBITS AROUND HIM CONSTANTLY THINKING OF HIM AND PRAISING HIM AND MWUAH HE IS SO LOVELY I BOW BEFORE HIM...

I think as much as I love, a lot of the times I tend to focus even more on BEING loved.

If I am told I am loved, and shOwN I am loved... it is one of the most powerful things. Especially since I was literally emotionally neglected in childhood... yeah. I feel like I'm always trying to fill that hole.

Not EVERY feeling I have is for that reaosn but sometimes, if you tell me you love me, show me you love me, hug me,... I'll like start crying,,, that's the childhood emotional neglect kicking in. If you call me #smol and #cute and say I look young and fragile which happens more often than you'd think XD, I know I'm not supposed to like that shit, so I act like I dont....but I do. Which is PROBABLY ALSO THE CEN 🤪  like whatever lol

Anwyays I'm fucked up

You see how quickly things become complicated in my mind?

Convoluted? Is that the word?

Whatever. I OVERCOMPLICATE THINGS COS I OVERTHINK THEM BECAUSE I'm LITERALLY MENTALLY ILL IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. I'm not joking. I obviously have unresolved undiagnosed "issues"

I do Suspect things, though.

I can make a list

Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe I will.

I shouldnt.

Whatever.

I used to hate when people brought up my self harm. I would actually panic. I still self harm but now? Now I'm fine with anyone  talking about it as long as it's not an adult who can get me into trouble/force me into therapy over it. Because really? I kinda like having it mentioned. It's kinda validating and it's like hey... people can see that I'm sick.

I dont do it so people talk to me about it though. Dont get me wrong. If I did, I'd go vertically on the arms, not for suicide but so it healed and people would ask XD.

My scars are actually VERY hidden... cos I never intended for ANYONE to see. But for those who DO see them,,,, it's nice soemtimes to have people express concern.

I dont wanna be PITIED or anything, but idk I just think to myself "wow, they're CONCERNED... about ME... they arent angry or mean... they didnt yell at me or threaten me... they respect my autonomy and privacy...

And they CARE ABOUT ME..." and it makes me cry.

That's also the CEN.

I dont know. I just like when people express genuine concern. Even if they see and then just ask if I'm okay. That's all it takes cos then I go wow.

Its validating and irs lovely because finally people care... FINALLY PEOPLE CARE. FINALLY I GET SOME EMPATHY OR SYMPATHY AND NO ANGER.

Even just having them brought up tells me its noticeable enough

My brain does this thing where it thinks nothing bad that's ever happened to me was Bad Enough for me to be upset about.

And I dont know... its nice sometimes to be told shit like "omg that looks so bad" or to see that people who do see my cuts are somewhat shocked or revolted... it's nice because I go... "hey, it was bad enough for them..."

Or to have people comment on them with concern. Just ANYTHINT WHERE PEOPLE NOTICE IT AND ARENT ASSHOLES ABOUT IT IS VALIDATING.

Because I'm not used to that...

Because CEN

I'm. The worst perosn on the fucking planet.

I should kill myself.

I suddenly actually feel so self hating I do want to kill myself... oh god.

I ruin everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. What have I done. Like. Why. Oh god.

I'm just remembering when Star said my kindness seemed like an act. And how I've been called out for seeming fake like 2 other times.

DO I SEEM FAKE???? I DONT EVER PUT ON ACTS OF KINDESS.... CONCIOUSLY? but the very idea that I could be perceived that way...

Should I like not try to be nice or some shit?

Jesus christ she hurts my feelings even now when it was a long time ago.

But I cant blame her. I can't blame anyone for how i feel except my parents because they left me with fucking. Heart nerve damage or some shit.

I'm tired and now I'm sad too. Goodnight guys.

[djgamek1ng]

My thoughts about the Endwalker/6.0 announcement stream

I had originally posted this on Twitter in a TwitLonger tweet, but I’ll also put it here. This also contains the follow up “thread” about the pure healer/barrier healer balancing (which is at the end, so if you are only interested in that, skip to where it starts with “So... I was”). OKAY, SO I'M REALLY DAMNED HYPED ABOUT THIS EXPANSION. I'm going to go point by point for things they talked about, in as much of the order they talked about things. - The trailer is really freaking cool! Personally, it is arguably my favorite trailer now and we haven't gotten the full version, though depending on the full version the Shadowbringers trailer might still win it out. The music is great, bit less rocking than the Shadowbringers one, but still fantastic. The WoL as a PLD is everything I've ever wanted from this game. It is also a FF4 reference with Cecil going from a Dark Knight to a Paladin. Seeing the twins in CG finally is also amazing. Endwalker, great freaking name ruined by its unfortunate abbreviation: EW. - Okay, so the new jobs. One is a melee DPS. Honestly, didn't expect that. Was expecting a caster, but this does silence the whole "they are going to balance the choices to be 4 each and then we might no longer get any jooooobs!!!!11!" discussion that I've seen happen, so honestly I'm okay with this. The other is our new healer, Sage. Alphinaud also job changed to it, so that is nice. - Specifically, about Sage, they made it a barrier/shield healer and will be shifting over AST to be a "pure" (regen) healer. The actions they showed look cool enough, but it is hard to judge. It is also very very very interesting that they are looking to make the raid finder actually distinguish between barrier healers (so Sage and SCH) and pure healers (WHM and AST). I will get to this point in another post, since I think it is very interesting that they are doing this. - 6.0 being the end of the major Hydaelyn vs Zodiark arc. VERY interesting that it is specifically 6.0 that is going to be the end of that and not 6.3, makes me think that 6.0 is going to be a slightly bigger patch than normal expansion launch patches in terms of story. - Higher level cap! ...I'm only mentioning it because they did. Okay, to be fair, we do see some of the new AFs and DRK's looks great, WHM's looks good, SAM's is awesome and BLM's is nice. - Finally going to Thavnair and Garlemald. Bit of a shame we are only going to Garlemald when it has been entirely destroyed, but it was to be expected I guess lol. Oh, also, new beast tribe. Matanga, the big elephant people. They look pretty cool and I'm honestly intimidated by them as a Lalafell ^-^" - Anima confirmed! Is it going to be a Terminus beast similar to the enemies we saw in the Amaurot dungeon, just as a trial instead? If so, that is really really cool. Regardless, a long overdue enemy to see arrive here! - "Challenging" new dungeons. I'm... sorry to be skeptical, but I'm guessing these are not going to be that challenging. I really hope I'm wrong and that they will provide a decent challenge, but I just doubt it. The art does look pretty though! - New 8 man raids, the Pandaemonium raids. Ascian inspired with Lahabrea of all of them being the one we supposedly see in the art. Very very interesting and I'm glad that they are moving to more FFXIV original stuff, though Pandaemonium isn't a new thing in the FF series for sure. - New 24 man raid series. Not title said, just said that it will be FFXIV original. All I gotta say: thank GOD. Sorry to all Nier fans, but I just could not care about Yorha: Dark Apocalypse. It very much feels like it is the continuation of NieR: Automata in FFXIV with little to no relevance for the FFXIV side of things (such as world building as such). Hoping the 5.5 one can make me feel different though. - New small scale PvP mode. Apparently going to be approachable by casuals? Seems like a good direction for FFXIV's PvP at the moment, since you currently need too many people to have a PvP match. - Role quests are returning. Also, ranged is now split up into physical ranged and casters. I'm... divided on this. If it means again only 1 job quest at the level cap, that is going to be disappointing tbh. If it doesn't, then I will be very glad. Also gatherer and crafting quests... uh... *stares at him only having one of each unlocked and neither are even at level 50*. Also, WAR, MNK and RDM AF art. WAR looks pretty good, MNK looks nice and RDM looks pretty neat! - Estinien in the trust system. Yup, that makes perfect sense since Estinien is basically a honorary member of the Scions at this point. Also since we have no more melee DPS in that spot, since Ryne isn't with us anymore. I will miss Ryne in the MSQ. Hopefully they have more quests for us on the First that involve her :( - Island Sanctuary. Stardew Valley FFXIV edition? I mean, I'm down for it. Especially if we can customize the place. If I'm able to get a training dummy there and teleport to that place, it will basically just be my new house and I might actually consider getting my current house demolished. - As literally everyone expected, Ishgard housing. Makes perfect sense after the Ishgard Restoration. Not personally jumping on it, as I remember the bloodbath that was Shirogane housing *shudders* - Stat squish. I'm perfectly fine with this, since smaller numbers feel more impactful for me. I'm 100% a person that sees a 61389 damage Confiteor crit and just feels nothing towards the 3 numbers on the right. They mean nothing. Smaller numbers makes smaller increases more substantial - Removing belts. Nomura's worst nightmare... Honestly, I'm just glad about the extra inventory space for main weapons arms and rings. That is the good stuff! :) - Data center travel. UH. How in the heck is this going to work? Is it only in the regions or can I go from Chaos to Primal, for example? If the latter, that is amazing and removes the need to have alts for friends in other datacenters by quite a bit! - PS5 version. Yeah, that makes sense. - Digital Fan Fest 15th and 16th of May (14th and 15th for the NA folks). Looking forward to it and to seeing the new melee DPS job being revealed! Plus a live concert by the Primals is sick! So... I was gonna make a post about the whole barrier healer/pure healer thing and how that is weird compared to what they did with tanks in ShB and how it might impact tanks in End (I don't like EW as acronym), but an interview happened and they have already confirmed tanks are not getting balanced for main tank/off tank. So I'll just sum up what I had about healers: it is a very interesting direction that I honestly think is more healthy for the game. It diversifies and focuses the healers into their type of healing, a problem AST had since it came out, where the only pieces of identity it had were its cards and the fact it could be a WHM-lite or a SCH-lite, where the second part isn't really an identity. It also confirmed that the healers aren't getting split in 2 categories in the game (like the DPS are split between melee, physical ranged and magical ranged). Just for balancing, which is good since queues would otherwise be a pain for no real reason. Also, he confirmed that content will be easier with one pure healer and barrier healer, not required. 

TL;DR: I think this is a change for the better. AST will (hopefully) get a real identity outside of “it can be either like WHM or like SCH!” and their cards.

[marvinswriting]

just a liability 

prompt: actually wait I WANT to read scary [its a suprise] go ahead lol- bear (bc it's her idea)

Today was awful.

Most days were.

But today sucked substantially more.

Its the first day back at school since my art show. The praise and congratulations from my teachers should feel nice. 

But its all a bitter reminder of the painting I threw at my newest ex-best friend.

My mom was not too happy when I came home with a first-place ribbon and no canvas but that's not the point.

I sighed, stepping onto the tiny platform. Damian wouldn't be done with theater for another twenty minutes but I can't sit in the stuffy tiny halls anymore. 

The hallways were practically empty, as usual for after school hours.

Notice how I said practically.

"So what are we doing this weekend, Cady?" Gretchen asked as they walked down the hall.

Its a question shes directed to Regina so many times. I almost felt sick looking over, looking at the girl who used to be my friend.

Now cold, hard, plastic. 

You made me like this-

I did. Didn't I. 

I was hurt by middle school actions. I just wanted to see Regina's downfall. And I guess I did. 

But at the cost of my friend.

"I'm not sure yet," Cady said thoughtfully. "It's only Monday."

"But if we want to throw another party we should spread the word now."

"Another party?" Cady stops short in shock. Right in front of the tiny pick up zone. 

I turn to my sketchbook, hoping they won't notice me. 

"But we just threw one last week." The concern in her voice sounded just like the old Cady. The nice Cady. My friend, Cady.

"Last week was so- well, last week!" Gretchen says. "I dunno guys." Cady says slowly.

I concentrate on the delicate lines in my sketchbook. Nice, light, thin. Happy lines if you will. 

Ignore the pain of losing your friend. The only girl you've trusted since eight grade. Ignore the pain of your identity being weaponized. Nice, light, thin, happy lines.

"Janis?"

Fuck.

I look up to see Cady glancing at me. "You've been ignoring my calls."

The cold edge in her voice was exactly why. She's shiny, hard, and plastic. 

"Cady, you can't be seen near the space dyke." Gretchen quickly reminds her.

"Gretchen," Cady snaps. "I can be seen with whoever I want. Regina is gone, I make the rules."

That wasn't what you were saying when you didn't invite Damian and I to your party.

It wasn't even the fact that she didn't invite us to her party. It was the fact that she threw a party. That she could have been honest and say she'd rather throw a banger then go to my art show, but she lied. She said she was in Maddison. She sure as hell wasn't.

"But that's space dy-"

"I know who it is, Gretchen." Cady snapped. I jumped back in surprise at the vicious tone of her voice. She sounded like a clone of Regina.

I almost felt sorry for Gretchen. No matter what happened, no matter who was 'in charge' she always seemed to get the short end of the stick. 

Cady reaches out, lifting me up without asking.

"Hey!" My sketchbook and pencil fall down onto the platform as I'm lifted in the air.

Cady turns me over in her hand like she's never seen me before. 

"Put me down!"

"Why'd you ignore my calls, Janis?"

"Cady-"

Her hand closes around me, holding me in a fist. It's not tight, unlike others who have picked me up without asking in the past. But a fist is a fucking fist.

"Cady please, this isn't like you."

"Plastic?" Cady's voice has an unfamiliar edge. "But- I thought you wanted me to be plastic? To help get rid of Regina. Isn't this what you wanted, Janis?"

No! I didn't want anything like this. At all.

"I actually wanted to thank you. For showing me how to be plastic. Because now I've met people I actually want to hang out with."

I tried to convince myself that she didn't mean it. It was all a show for Karen and Gretchen. Cady was just trying to prove herself to be plastic. There was no way she meant all these things. There was no way she-

Her fist tightened. 

"You didn't think I liked hanging out with you, right?"

Yes. I did.

"You're so needy. I need this, take me there, everything just needs to be about Janis, huh?"

My arms were pinned at my sides. There was nothing I could do. 

“Poor Damian has to deal with you and your bullshit."

I freeze. Yeah, insulting my sexuality was a low blow. But it wasn't the lowest blow. Cady knew that. She knew what the lowest possible insult was. And she fucking used it.

"The poor guy," A sick smile forms on Cady's face when she sees how I've reacted. Gretchen and Karen laugh from behind her, prompting Cady to continue. "Even if you weren't a tiny. You still have all those issues. Right, girls?"

She sounds just like Regina. Just bigger and with more potential to physically harm me.

Fuck.

"So many issues." Gretchen says, repeating what Cady said back to her, like a parrot. Karen just nods.

“I don’t know why I ever hung out with you.” Cady admits, releasing me from a fist and letting me fall into her hands. 

"W- what?" I never stutter, but I guess I'm doing it now.

"Mhmm," Cady said, holding my arm between her two fingers, tugging at it. "You were always so weak and fragile. I didn't want the responsibility of that. You tinies can be such a liability."

"Cady. Stop, that hurts." I try tugging my arm back, only for Cady to just pinch harder.

“I could care less about how you feel, Janis.”

I'm starting to feel like this may not just be a show to prove herself to the other plastics.

I mean, what's there to prove.

Cady already rules the school.

Cady already won.

"Put me down. Please."

"And why should I?" Cady asked. Everything about her, her tone, her posture, her outfit- it reeked of plastic. I swallow, trying to push down the anxiety in my stomach.

My belief that Cady wouldn't hurt me was quickly crumbling.

"Yknow." Cady's thumb pushed me backward, pinning me down. "I'm surprised it didn't come to this sooner, Jains."

Her thumb pushed down hard, right on my chest, hurting my ribs. It probably wasn't much effort on Cady's end but it hurt like a bitch for me. My mind thinks back to all the times Damian did the same thing, more cautiously. 

For him, it was a way to make sure I didn't fall off his hand or do anything reckless.

For Cady, it felt like a murder technique. 

Was it that easy for Damian to just kill me this whole time? Was I so much more fragile then I realized?

I mean, Cady sure seemed to be doing it effortlessly now.

I tried to push her thumb away but it was fruitless. I could barely push off Damian's when he did it- and he pushed down a lot softer.

"I can't bre- Cady. Wait- please."

"What?" Cady grinned, lifting her thumb. "Too much for poor little Janis?"

"Space Dyke cant handle it." Gretchen smirked.

"No, she can't." Cady agreed.

The familiar sparkle in her eye was gone. The naive smile she had her first day at Northshore was gone. Her braids that ran through her hair was gone. Her socks with sandals- as horrific a fashion choice they may be- were gone. 

All that was left was cold, hard, shiny, plastic. 

Cady was gone.

"Hey, where's your friend?" Gretchen asked. "The gay one."

She sure as hell knows Damian's name. That was just a cruel dig.

"Oh yeah?" Cady's eyes lit up. Not in the way they used to. Now they shown in a dark taunting way. "If Damian cares about you so much, where is he now?"

Theater. He's at theater. He cares. He just doesn't know what's happening.

My mind screamed these answers but I couldn't bring myself to verbalize them. Cady's fingers curled dauntingly over me and she grinned a little wider every time I shook. 

“Damian doesn’t want you around," Cady continued. "I can tell. Everyone can tell.”

"Everyone," Gretchen said. 

“Stop wasting his time. Stop wasting everyone’s time.” Cady dropped me back onto the pickup zone. “Damian’s gonna get sick of you eventually. Where's poor space dyke gonna go then?"

I froze. Cady never called me space dyke. Through the years I've grown numb to the insult. After eighth grade, it became unoriginal and repetitive. But when Cady said it?

Cady leaned over the tiny pick up zone, getting uncomfortably close. "Awww, did that hurt your feelings?"

I step backward but can't bring myself to respond.

Cady laughs, bringing her pointer finger up to knock me down. "Get over it."

She smiles to Gretchen and Karen, who beam back at her like this was just another normal occurrence before the trio walks away, already picking up their original topic of weekend plans. 

For a long while, I just stay sitting on the tile floor where I was knocked over. My heart was racing and my breath was heavy, something I didn't notice before. Now that I was in no immediate danger I noticed these things. Like the bruises probably forming on my torso from Cady's thumb. 

All her words caught up to me.

Did Damian really find her annoying? Was it that easy to tell? I guess I did have a habit of blocking certain things out- like Cady slowly becoming cold hard plastic until it was too late. I mean, I'd be annoyed taking care of a tiny me as well.  

Even if you weren't a tiny. You still have all those issues.

I get up and walk into the tiny halls. No. It wasn't true. Right?

Damian had to care, at least a little bit.

Stop wasting his time. Stop wasting everyone’s time.

I pull myself into the bathroom, not even bothering to enter a stall. It's after school. Who cares. 

There are tears on my face when I look in the mirror. When did I start crying?

I hastily wipe them away, ignoring how my mascara smudges. 

Why did I let her words get to me?

I didn't let Regina get to me this much?

She said the same things Regina said.

Maybe its because I trusted Cady. She was a friend.

Was.

But plastic is plastic. I should have known better. 

My phone buzzes as I jump away from the mirror in surprise. It's a text from Damian.

"Hey, Jan. Where are you, I'm at the pick-up zone." I read allowed, despite nobody else being here.

My stomach twists at the thought of seeing Damian. Of making him go out of his way to get me home.

I really did need everyone to do everything for me. 

The realization feels like a punch in the gut.

I quickly texted back, saying I left school early, feeling sick, sorry for not telling him. 

Yeah, I felt bad for lying. I'll just take the tiny bus home. Damian shouldn't have to go out of his was to worry about me. He doesn't deserve that.

I slump down against the wall, drawing my knees close. If I'm taking the tiny bus I'm not leaving for another half hour. There's no rush.

Damian texts me telling me to get better. I know he didn't buy it. I was fine earlier. But maybe he did think I actually went home. 

I felt bad for lying, but I'd feel worse being a liability. 

Because that's all I was. 

Space Dyke. The annoyance. The liability. The girl with issues. The one who wastes everyone's time.

I'm crying again. I can feel the wet tears sliding down my face, no doubt taking more mascara with them. 

I don't bother to wipe them away.

whoops, lol- bear 2020 I WOULD LIKE TO DEFEND MYSELF AND SAY YALL ARE QUICK TO CALL CADY SOFT AND INNOCENT LIKE ACT TWO CADY HERON DOESN'T EXIST? anyway really sorry mainly to soy and alex lmao @realmisspolarbear @smallsoysauce @musicallygt

[themockingcrows]

Companionship Through Circuitry Ch. 4: Treasures New and Old

This chapter is SFW This chapter available on my AO3!

From weaponized Furbies to old school prewar technology, Bro is finding his hands in many pies. Hal wishes he'd leave the pies the fuck alone for the most part.

     The small wheels of the Furby were sturdy enough to handle the terrain inside of the building with ease, so long as the bigger debris was avoided. These weren’t monster truck wheels, after all. Every so often a ping would be sent back to Bro’s location in the stairwell where he was secured out of sight, ready to be back up once Hal was done exploring and mapping out the place. He’d already covered significant ground, only needing assistance when it came to changing floors, and was holding his own against some of the mutated pests that had taken up residence in the various empty rooms.

     The modified laser was perfect for quick shots, and most of the critters seemed to be expecting humans or at least food they could smell. The small mechanical device wasn’t very appetizing looking, more of a curiosity. Bro was pretty sure he’d never seen giant insects that close up before unless they were dead, the radiation having done a number on their dna sequences since the war. Their protruding eyes were kind of fascinating to see up close, though Bro was content to watch from his distance rather than get hands on.

     I don’t appreciate this, you know

     “Don’t appreciate what,” Bro said into his end of the walkie talkie. “Freedom to move around? Weapons to protect yourself with?”

     I don’t appreciate being stuffed into this toy and you damn well know it.

     “Cry me a river and check the next hallway, I’ve got a feelin’ there’ll be somethin’ good there.” 

     There were other toys there. You could have put me in something useful. Something sturdier. Something-

     “What the fuck is that thing?”  said a voice from further down the hallway Hal was trundling down. A human who’d been living rough for some time, with attitudes that were even rougher judging from the wild clothing they wore, came into view. A man, when he got close enough to be seen clearly. A raider, if some of the markings on his clothes were authentic and not just slapped on for fun. Great, just what he fucking needed, a pack of wild men to deal with.

     “Find something to eat?” called another voice. Bro quietly grunted and got up out of his hiding spot to go get ready. Humans could be destructive with shit they didn’t understand, and the last thing he wanted to do was lose Hal. He’d become pretty attached to the AI by now, and losing him wasn’t an option anymore, not with the end goal being so interesting to him.

     “Nah, just found… something. I don’t know what this thing is,” the first man admitted, reaching down to snatch the Furby off the ground after a few attempts, the small wheels motoring this way and that to avoid being picked up. “Some kinda toy?”

     “What, find a new teddy bear?” joked the other voice out of view.

     “Nah. This thing’s cute though,” he chuckled, touching the spinning wheels and the moving beak before setting it back down on the ground. The Furby failed to move. “Hey, c’mon over and get a look while it’s still.”

     The second man finally appeared, itching his back with the baseball bat he held, hair tied back into a messy bun. He popped a squat in front of the still Furby and smirked.

     “Aw. Lookit the lil shit, it’s cu-”

     Zap.

     The laser was probably overkill as far as power went, but Bro was proud of the addition and how stable it proved to be. The fact that Hal was a killer shot was just a bonus, landing the guy right between the eyes before the guy could get the word out all the way, dropping him like a sack of potatoes. The first man panicked and jumped back as the Furby zoomed back to life and backed up several paces.

     Bitch.

     Bro was able to take a shot towards the man’s shoulder with his sword  before turning and cracking him upside the head with a fist, sending him down in a bleeding pile. Nothing like a small fluffy creature buzzing on the floor after firing a deadly laser to act as a distraction for a 6’6 man with a sword creeping up on ya. It probably would have been more prudent to use long range… but sometimes he just needed to have an excuse to clean his sword off rom residue that wasn’t radroach or abomination. 

     “Y’know, you could’ve just singed him and he might’ve run. I was on my way,” Bro said, nudging the dead fellow with a toe of his boot. “I don’t think he even has anything interestin’ on him.”

     I hold no apologies for being called ‘cute’. 

     “You’re right, you’re adorable. How dare they.”

     Laser has entered the cooldown period. You’re lucky.

     “Your own fault for shootin’ full force, if you want to roast me you’re gonna need to learn your limits first Hal,” Bro said as he abandoned the toy and walked ahead to peek in different doors. Big fat load of nothing… till he found the place the second man had come from. Paydirt. A temporary camp site, complete with food and water. Packaged food, no less, prewar and sturdy enough to last ages thanks to its healthy doses of preservatives. Giving a pleased whoop of joy, Bro took off his bag and took to stuffing what he could carry into it, taking his time to look around for other important looking things. Keys, cards, electronic tidbits that might be useful, ammunition. Bandages. Christ could he use some bandages, or disinfectant, he’d forgotten to stock up on extras at the last place they’d stayed and it was going to bite him in the ass, he could just feel it.

     While he found some disinfectant in the form of a high octane liquor, the bandages were at least sanitary looking and standard. Eh. A drink and something to clean with. It’d work. Otherwise interestingly he found a notebook, one with most of the pages in it no less. Perfect. He’d be able to write Dave again tonight and send the letter off when they hit a trader or a town next. Right on schedule.

     ...Or maybe too much of a schedule. Kid was probably being inundated with letters and not sure what to do with them since he couldn’t write back. If he even wanted to.

     Bro paused for a moment before grabbing the notebook and stuffing it into his bag after all. If Dave read his letters or threw them in the trash, at least he was reaching out on his end and showing he was willing to talk. It was the best he could do, he supposed. Be there and be ready for replies if they came.

     You’re going to get fat if you eat all that processed garbage. Why did junk food survive but next to none of the decent food survive.

     “Preservatives and chemicals for flavorin’,” Bro said, snapping out of his thoughts. The one man was only knocked out, after all, not dead. He’d be coming to eventually, best to be long gone by then. “When there’s more chemicals than food in the package, the food’ll last through goddamn anything.”

     I’m starting to think that if you encountered a fresh vegetable you would collapse inwardly like a dying star.

     “Everything I’ve ever come into contact with had some traces of radiation in it, it’s part of the post-apocalyptic lifestyle, Hal. It’s just a waitin’ game to see how much will make you sick and how much just adds a zesty aftertaste.”

     ...I’m unable to tell if you’re joking or not and that is concerning for my future mobility. I can hear the atherosclerosis from here.

     “All you can hear are the dulcet tones of my voice, admit it,” Bro said, giving one last look around the room before reaching for Hal. The laser fired a small zap, stinging his hand and making him yank it back, watching the toy zip around in circles teasingly. “Ah c’mon, don’t be a lil shit. I was gonna put you back in the glasses. Don’t you like the glasses more than the Furby?”

     I like many things more than the Furby.

     “C’mere then,” Bro said, reaching down to snatch the toy up by its fuzzy body, the weight more substantial now than it had been fresh out of the box. The skin was stretched taut over all kinds of goodies now, and he was careful as he plugged the shades into the side of the Furby by way of the metallic port, waiting and watching as the small loading symbols flickered in front of his eyes. Once again, Hal’s eyes opened in front of his own, pupils dilating briefly in recognition before they flickered away and he was left with the usual interface once more.

     “There. Better?”

     If you really loved me you’d have built something better with all those spare parts.

     “I don’t love you. I tolerate you.”

     Frankenfurby is a token of your affections as surely as your letters to your spawn are.

     “Those’re different,” Bro murmured, tucking the doll away carefully in his bag and securing it closed. He wasn’t sure if he could hear groaning or was just paranoid, but better to leave than to find out. Slowly, he backtracked down the hallway past the felled men before speeding up to the stairwell, hurrying down and out of the building while he could. All in all a successful scavenge, his luck was really holding out now that he had his new toy.

     Friend.

     … Yeah, he’d call Hal a friend now. Maybe prematurely, but it was hard not to bond with someone whose sense of humor was so similar to his own, bot or not.

     Are we still on target to approach where my body was last being kept?

     “Should be. I’m only swervin’ once in a while to find places to stay, or to get goodies after all. There’s a few places I’d love to hit between here and there, though it’d be too rough goin’ for the furb to be active.”

     What are these locations you are wanting to go to and why.

     “Well, one of’ems a vault. I know if there’s people in it they’d be good for tradin’ with and prolly have somewhere to stay or know where it’d be good to stay in the region. If it’s a decrepit one it’d prolly been picked clean… if you give up after the first few areas,” Bro smirked. “Dig deep and pick enough locks, know how to sweet talk the electronics, and usually you’ll find a treasure trove of some kind. Or at least so I’d assume, given that I’ve not exactly crawled my way through enough to formulate a mean average on accessibility to the damn things.”

     Hal whirred briefly as if thinking before speaking up. What kinds of things would you be hoping to obtain from there that you cannot obtain from elsewhere that we’ve been going into? These ‘goodies’ you mention.

     “More prewar things mostly,” Bro said as he sized up a slope and skidded down it with his feet turned. He had to sit down once, scuffing his ass, but he made it to the bottom without falling at all. A quick dust, and he was back en route. “Food, ammunition. Weapons. Medical supplies is a big important one. Old prewar tech is like findin’ the needle in the haystack, but once you find it it’s sweet.”

     Old prewar tech like what, more odds and ends?

     “Sometimes. Sometimes it’s more like findin’ entire bots untouched in their charging bays,” he explained, eyeing the surroundings cautiously. He was more exposed out here, and he didn’t exactly enjoy it, but sometimes it was a choice between being exposed and being boxed into an area chock full of super mutants.

     No thank you, he’d take his chances out here thanks. Could hear and see shit coming that way while he was awake.

     Would these untouched bots have data cables perchance.

     “I’m not uploadin’ you into a Gutsy, Hal.”

     I’D BE SO MUCH MORE USEFUL, YOU’D BE MISSING OUT!

     “I like you bein’ portable. I also like you not bein’ capable of friendly fire. No, I didn’t forget that laser earlier, you fuck, my hand still stings from it.”

     Okay, what if instead of uploading me into a Gutsy you uploaded me into the mainframe computer? reasoned Hal. I could manually override everything in place since lockdown, and likely would be able to communicate with you through various data ports.

     Bro’s steps slowed a bit. That, he liked the sound of. Just need to make it to the overseers office and make sure it was clear before uploading him… or maybe even uploading him from another unit, if it was still functional.

     “If you ever got stuck in there, would you be patient and wait for me to figure out how to get you out?”

     And give up the God like control I would have over the giant rodent population? You tease me.

     “I’ll take that as a yes, and an Okay for where to head to next,” he hummed.

     If he could make it out of there with enough swag, he could sell the extra and have plenty to spend till the end of the mission. ...Was that what this was now? A mission? A mission to get to an AI’s body that may or may not even exist...for what. There was no guarantee Hal would even want to stay with him at the end of all of this. Odds are he’d get freedom and go running with it like Dave had, leaving Bro on his lonesome again.

     The thought put an unpleasant knot in his stomach. No, Daave hadn’t run away, he’d grown up and left the nest like everyone else did eventually. And even if Hal DID leave him behind, so what? He’d have had a bit of an adventure, restocked his cash supply, probably gotten more things to keep himself busy with. There’d be more stories to tell over a few shots of booze, more things to write to Dave about, and more things to remember when he was old.

     Nothing happened without a reason. This wasn’t a fruitless venture, he’d already had more fun than he assumed was possible.

     Are you okay? Hal asked suddenly.

     “Huh? Yeah, why.”

     Your eyes looked pensive and you seemed miles away. No reaction to the mole rat coming in from the left.

     Cussing, Bro turned and whipped his sword out, raising it up to-

     “...Hal. Where’s the mole rat,” Bro asked, scanning around in circles with his weapon raised.

     It’s fictional, but you proved my point about being distracted quite well.

     “Hal. I’m gonna bust you into twenty pieces if you keep that shit up.”

     Do you wish to talk about it? The things that were catching your thoughts.

     “You my therapist now?”

     Curiosity has captured me and you’re the nearest target.

     “I was thinkin’ about the nearest vault and what we might find in it,” he lied. Hal’s loading screen flashed in front of his eyes again before the outdated map appeared like a hazy display over reality.

     If we continue at the current ambling pace it would take till tomorrow evening to reach the nearest vault, given that nothing between here and there has become too irradiated to support living creatures or has become irradiated enough to support terrible living creatures.

     “One way to find out, huh.”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

     The vault was an opened one, leaving the usual rundown of various critters to deal with near the entrance. Pests. This was his pearl to unearth, not theirs to eat. They could have the leftovers, maybe he’d crumble up a bag of chips and leave’em nearby as a peace offering or something, not that the dumb animals would understand or appreciate it at all. As it was he took potshots at some of them and just stomped on the insects before they could be a problem, wiping goo off his shoes on the metal rack steps inside the big steel door. It smelled damp somewhere, made sense. The rest of the air just smelled old and musty, rusted. Worn down. There was still electricity though, these bastards really were meant to last.

     Bro made his way through a few doors before finding his way to some signs, following them to the main recreation area. Graffiti tagged the walls with various people he’d never heard of and probably never would know of, and most of the things were picked over or left broken open to rot. Raiders. Messy fuckers, lived somewhere for a while then moved on when the supplies ran out.

     Just meant there was probably gold in there further than the numbskulls could reach, and he just had to be patient.

     Paydirt came when Bro finally found a computer monitor that was not only unbroken but accessible to the main system, taking a seat to toy with the keys for a while. He spent some time reading old logs, scouring it for data that might be useful, keys being left somewhere or security being heightened in different areas. Not much to work from, though. He pursed his lips and made a soft tutting sound before shaking his head and standing.

     Aren’t you going to upload me?

     “Not here, no. If I find a security terminal maybe, or if I can get to the Overseer’s office, that’d be the best shit. You’d have access to a wider percentage of the place, if not all of it once the override’s overridden.”

     You underestimate me, I could probably reach there before you.

     “You could also get firewalled by some shit you’re encoded with because you’re still an AI tryin’ to hack somethin’. ‘Sides, I’d rather have the company for now,” Bro chuckled.

     At least the scenery is interesting. I believe the last three dicks on the walls were larger than the first three dicks on the walls.

     “We’re in the tainted parts,” Bro said, hopping a barrier to reach the first locked door they’d encountered. Smirking, he pulled off his bag and got a few small tools out, sparking the data screen back to life after a few minutes of jimmying the wires. He made quick work of it, letting the door open before allowing the charge to drop, rendering the door permanently open.

     “Child’s play,” he said softly, putting the tools into his pocket in case they were needed sooner rather than later before letting himself walk through and down the much better conditioned hallway. There was no graffiti here, but the smell of mildew was still strong, meaning there must have been a leak somewhere. Internal leak was one thing, an external meant radiation. “Hal, keep a geiger check goin’, warn me if we’re gettin’ anywhere too hairy.”

     There are elevated levels, but they’re within the safe amount so long as you don’t do something foolish like sleep back here.

     “Figured. Don’t worry, I don’t feel very tired right now.”

     If anything he felt alert, awake, ready to fight. He almost wished something would lurch around the dimly lit corner thirsting for his blood so he could decapitate it. Stress presenting itself in violent ways was just a part of life here, and fuck could he use some stress relief before the night was up. Getting here had been more stressful than he assumed, involving some stealthing past massive horned abominations with razor sharp claws and dealing with some leatherbound fuckheads who just HAD to decide he was worth heckling.

     Another bit of wandering, most rooms not holding anything useful or worth lugging out of there, Bro finally hit jackpot. The overseers office wasn’t locked down, it seemed. The bloodstain on the wall gave a few clues to why that may be, but the lack of a skeleton to follow up with made the guessing game all the more interesting in his opinion. Hopping into the creaking leather seat, he rustled for the connection cable from his bag.

     “Ready, Hal? I want you to light the place up, unlock shit, and see if you can access the sound system,” Bro rattled off, instructing the AI as if those weren’t the things he was already planning to do.

     I’ll send feedback to these monitors as well, no doubt there are some cameras still working, Hal promised, eagerly awaiting the moment of plugin.

     Briefly, Bro was concerned he’d caused a power outage. The room went pitch black, as did the rest of the vault that he could see from the rounded window and doorway, save for the monitor in front of him.

     “Hal? Fuck.”

     The screen flashed green, before taking on a red hue as pixels fell by the wayside. A small loading screen image appeared, same as in the glasses.

     Loading. Loading. Loading, came a voice from the sound system around him, soothing and methodical. In the distance, however, Bro heard unworldly screeching and hisses, and his blood ran cold.

     “Lights back on any time, Hal.”

     Loading. Loading. Loading.

     More hisses and screams, this time closer, reacting every time they heard a voice on the speakers.

     “Haaaaaal. Any time now would be pretty fuckin’ sweet,” Bro hissed, slowly sinking down below the desk and pulling his weapon out, hiding but prepared as he waited.

     The lights flickered back on, too bright and intense enough to sting his eyes before lowering back down to the softer indoor degree. Bro scooted out and lifted up enough to look at the screen, smirking when he saw a small, digitized version of a human with red eyes and white hair doing a bouncing dance in the corner. This wasn’t a simple data upload, it was practically a hijacking.

     “...Hal? Can you hear me?”

     No response. Frowning, Bro looked up to the corners to find the cameras, repeating himself.

     “Can you hear me?”

     No. But I can see you. I can see a lot of things.

     “Show me,” he mouthed towards the cameras before looking to the displays once more. It was like he’d feared: those hisses weren’t just in his head. The place was lousy with feral ghouls, and fuck if that was one thing he hated dealing with. Normal ghouls? Chill folks. Feral ghouls were a goddamn mess that didn’t stop hitting and they were smart enough to run while aiming for the soft bits. At least they weren’t infectious like in those old books he’d seen. Prewar people had been obsessed with the idea of the living dead. Well, congratulations fuckers: you were the reason they existed now.

     He assumed his sword could get through most of them, the rest he’d need to aim for the head to take down. Biting his lip, Bro stood up and took the chair once more, typing to get a more detailed message across to Hal in case the simplistic lip reading couldn’t carry over. 

     Can you unlock the doors?

     Done and done.

     Is there a path towards the medical bay or security room that isn’t littered with ghouls?

     Negative. Your new friends are everywhere and they don’t seem very happy to hear me.

     “God damn it, of course, the two places I wanna hit and they’re crawlin’,” Bro hissed in disgust. 

     Do you have a clear view of these areas?

     Absolutely, Hal said before the camera views changed, showing different hallways and signs, then finally the interior of the medical bay and the security office. Each had its own ghouls, but even from there Bro could see enough treasure that his mouth watered. Treasure in ammo boxes and containers that weren’t rusted and permeated with water. Treasure in medical cabinets, maybe even some chems. Bro was absolutely not above using chems if the need arose in a fight or the interest was high enough in a calm moment, but the thought of having prewar chems that not only were in good condition but plentiful?

     “Lock and load, Hal.”

[dahniwitchoflight]

Candy 29-36

Things are finally happening with Alltie, ok cool

holy fuck Jane the words coming out of your mouth is a real nasty shock

but again I witnessed your descent this entire time so I can’t say I’m really that surprised

Gamzee here asking if she might sound a bit xenophobic is actually pretty cunning coming from him, and not the stupid comment it sounds like, he’s riling her up like he’s got her wrapped around his codpiece, which, he kinda does tbh

he’s actually doing a very good job of fanning the flames and honestly probably doing exactly what Dirk would have doing had he been in his position, minus boinking her of course

Oh she finally gets rid of him though, far too little too late though

Love how the last thing on Gamzee’s mind is just more selfish junk though

though if he’s not immediately killed by her security detail he’s just gonna go on his own murderous rampage again, that what he do after all

oof, oh boy here comes the genocide though

let’s see how Vriska isn’t coping with earth C tho yeah?

Oh wow John just nonchalantly putting brackets over Vriska like that lol

“JOHN: i got everything i wanted. everyone got what they—

JOHN: what i thought they wanted.”

BINGO! That’s what’s wrong, that’s what been wrong this whole time

John’s been unintentionally influencing the people around him to do what he thinks they want to do, not what they actually want to do, so they’ve all been slowly warped over time by John’s perceptions of them, and the more John’s react to their changes, the more changes happen to them and their personalities

like some kind of butterfly effect

Jane starts out neutral but says something ignorant about trolls, innocently even, john gets the thought “wow, that was kind of xenophobic, i wonder if she wants to dislike trolls?” and upon thinking that, instead of being an innocent ignorance that could have been cleared up, now it’s actually true because John thinks its true

and then just, that, over and over again, each time the warp and the contrast increasing until we get this basically, everyone just a horrendously skewed version of themselves with traits that John honed in and accepted about them from assumptions about them

so, yeah in a way, this is all kind of John’s fault just not the way he imagined

“JOHN: whatever i did, or didn’t do, just... destroyed reality’s ability to, like, substantiate itself, or whatever.

JOHN: like there’s a bug in the operating system of whatever force in this world that regulates cause and effect.”

Yeah that bug is probably called that house cursor thing, in a story, a bug in the system is called a plot hole, referring to it as a bug when referencing software probably makes sense since in the sburb game sense it probably IS just a cursor that “dropped” out of someone’s game window when it shouldn’t have, like a glitch

oh godammnit can someone just kill the clown? Vriska can you just kill Gamzee please

why all the weirdly specific wrestling moves though, I can’t even follow cuz I don’t even know what’s happening or what all these terms mean

oh.

uh..

no thanks, I’m retconning that from my brain if you please

oh wait, Candy is unhinged from truth pillar right

so varying levels of essentialness and relevance is Candy? hmm less so and less so over time

the way Rose is talking though, it makes it seem like the canon story of Homestuck just isn’t a happy one

and well, from her perspective it isn’t, Meat is technically so far the canon one to her

but remember This Rose could never see past the Candy or the Meat, she was blinded to everything else except it, even now she’s blind to anything outside of her current story, she can’t even tell things are fake anymore, John is unfortunately not so lucky

so a third route where things can be both satisfying and true is still possible, maybe not from here, not from now, but out there somewhere its still possible

So it’s not like we all have to give up on Homestuck quite yet

wow I really should have actually read these epilogues sooner, it’s really not as horrible as everyone was making it out to be, because it’s making it abundantly clear that it’s not a binary choice between Meat or Candy

it’s just that any other possible route simply doesn’t exist yet, and may not exist until something changes in canon itself (hint, probably pesterquest mc)

in it’s current state, all Homestuck has is Meat or Candy

but that doesn’t mean the story of Homestuck as it is now can’t change or be retconned further

I’m still ignoring all references to the clown from here on out

“candy-coated shithole of an approximation of what a paradise planet might look like to certain individuals.”

yeah that’s a good way to describe Earth C lol

“JAKE: Do you think ive ruined my whole entire life and all of my relationships and especially the most important relationship in ones life, the divine and unbreakable bond between a man and his son?

JOHN: haha.

JOHN: um.“

wow lol I think John is actually getting whiplash from the amount of “oh god why are all of my friends living out all of my emotional problems I never got closure for like some sort of sick puppet show”

“ John wonders if everything being out of his control would make him feel better. Even if he weren’t presently stuck sucking on this bitter cosmic red pill, he can’t imagine being particularly happy with this worldstate. Maybe it just would’ve made it all the more soul-crushing. “

It’s weird because like, the answer, yet again, to the question “Should I have control total control over everything or I should not have any control over anything” is always going to be “no, wrong question, both are wrong, the real answer is you should have some control to effects things, and not just YOU, everyone should have control over their own destinies”

we need to get the cursor juju, blend it into a milkshake and have everyone take part in a big old toast to it and then have them all come together and rewrite homestuck together

Get Ultimate John, Jade, Dave and Rose to all sit down and make a roadmap for their own story and have that be Homestuck 2.0 and live in that forever

and like, everyone get’s to decide what happens in their own stories and where’d theyd like to be except Lord English, he unquestioningly evil and can’t be convincingly “undone” I think because all of his shittyness has to come back to some person, and i think that’s likely to be Caliborn or Gamzee at the end of the day

heh, Caliborn and Gamzee = Calamzee, almost sounds like a corrupted word for Calamity

Anyway, yeah all it took at the end for John to finally dip into the illusion is a big old blast of HopeChange from Jake English

and so obviously I’m going to address the use of the word Change here in this context

it’s capitalized, and obviously used in Reference to Jake’s overall Classpect

which seems to be implying a connection to Witch as a Change Class

but Hope in it’s nature is already a natural catalyst of a Changing force itself, it was once the power to make fake things real in Homestuck proper, and of course one off hand word in connection to Witch is simply not enough to overthrow a larger pile of evidence in a different direction which is that Knight and Page are the obvious class pairing (looking at you “more magical Witch” Sylph, now you got a real competition! lol)

Now taken that with everything we know about “real” and “fake” when it comes to the epilogues

and that the idea of Canon has been associated with that white glow of satisfaction overall

Jake English is probably once again more key to what would be a satisfying canon story than anything else, same with the cursor Juju

maybe the Juju then doesn’t need to be key either, maybe the key is just everyone spreading their own powers over eachother and using that as the medium to write the story again

I’m getting really hung up on the idea of the characters themselves deciding to fix the problems in their existence by going back into canon and writing out their own personally satisfying arc conclusions overtop of their origin stories and having genuine conversation about things when their stories overlap with eachother and taking the time to respect and help manifest eachother’s wishes as well as their own, like a grand cosmic god version of just living life and being friends would have done in the first place, no canon adjusting powers needed

Anyway, Almost done with Candy now, just got a few more pages to go

[inkstaineddove]

Through Thick and Thin

Characters: Germany, Prussia

Summary: Germany and Prussia have never felt able to express their frustrations with one another. Finally, they're able to have the heart-to-heart their family desperately needed for either of them to move on and heal.

Prussia walked out onto the balcony. He came up behind his Germany and dropped the note onto the table next to the ashtray. Gilbert couldn't hide his smirk. "We live in the same house. You could come into my room and ask, though I do appreciate the extra work." Germany looked up at his brother. He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "You know I've never been good at asking for things out loud. Beer? They're ice cold." Gilbert took him up on his offer, cracking open the bottle that was laid out for him. He slunk down in the chair besides his brother and kicked his feet up onto the rails. In silence, they gazed out across the Berlin skyline. The stars were barely visible beneath all the lights, but it was beautiful in its uniquely artificial way. It was home, after all.

"So, West, why'd you wanna talk? Something on your mind?" Prussia assessed Germany out the corner of his eye. Physically, he seemed in perfect shape. Gilbert never knew what was going on his head though, so how he was really doing was anyone's guess. "No one's been giving you shit right? I've kicked everyone's ass on this godforsaken continent and I'll do it again if I gotta, just say the word." He wrinkled his nose. "Is it Feliks or Francis? They're always starting shit." Ludwig was thankful that the night made it harder to see. He couldn't stop himself from rolling his eyes and wincing. Why would he expect dissolution to calm his brother down, even after all these years? Gilbert, for better or worse, was Gilbert and that meant he was always itching for a fight. Still, Germany couldn't hold back his tongue. "And if it is them? What are you going to do? Invade them? With what army?" He rubbed the bridge of his nose, trying to force out any irritation he was feeling. "No, they're all pricks. I've learnt to ignore them. I just...wanted to talk. We're family, we're allowed to do that." He received no answer. For his part, Gilbert was still nursing his wounds from that surprise attack. Really, going after the fact that he didn’t have a body politic anymore? What a low blow, especially considering who’s fault that was. He pushed the growing fire to the bottom of his belly, smiled and raised his glass. "Yeah! Of course we can! I was just caught off-guard since you always prefer radio silence, but we can try talking!" He clinked his glass with Ludwig's. "Cheers, West!" In unison, they drank. Each chugged down half of their beer and tried to focus on the positives of what this could be and ignore any resentment they held for the other. They hadn't actually talked in half a century. Why would they be able to now? Nothing had changed for them substantially to bring it about. It would be another failed attempt at family reunification, with both of them calling up Roderich tomorrow to complain about each other to him. That would be better than fixing anything. Ludwig sighed. If he'd really believed that, he wouldn't have asked. They used to be close - incredibly close - and could get that way again. He'd have to force himself and his brother to be honest with each other, a difficult task but not impossible. He set down his glass and ran a hand through his hair, letting some slicked-back strands loose. He'd take a cue from America's playbook. "Gilbert, is there any reason you hate me or is this who you’ve become?" Gilbert spat out his mouthful of beer. Foam dripped down from his chin as he turned to Ludwig, making him look like a wolf sick with rabies. "The fuck did you just say to me? You're not too old to get hit!" "That was harsh, my apologies." Germany flinched at the sound of his own voice. He spoke to his own brother like he spoke to some ally. “What are your issues with me? Your resentment towards me makes living with you unbearable at times.” Prussia finished his bottle of beer. He'd need some alcohol in his veins to make it through this conversation. He looked back out over Berlin, imagining what it used to be like when he was still a nation and his royal family was still important. "Well, Luddy dear, this may come as a surprise to you, but I'm essentially dead. I've got control of a section of my old kingdom that doesn't even bear my name. I'm seen as some militaristic outcast when France and Britain are as guilty of the same. And, worst of all, my name has become synonymous with crimes you committed without hesitation! Ones that I never wanted part of and took part of multiple efforts to sabotage." He glanced at his brother sharply. "I do hate you in a way cause you've been nothing but trouble for me. I wish Austria had been your brother instead, unification was the worst mistake of my life." Gilbert got up and opened another bottle. He swigged down half of it, looking anywhere but at Ludwig. "Germany was supposed to be a vehicle of power for me and my leaders. Initially, it was. But then we were forced to officially lose the war and my leaders let Germany grow into its own thing, fucking it all up for me. You were meant to be a puppet and nothing more, Holy Rome with a new name and under new ownership." He smiled sadly at the sky. "Though, I can't blame France and Britain for seeing through that plan. I didn't really try to hide it, but it did hurt when they destroyed it.” He winced. “Twice." Germany realized he was laughing. He was running on autopilot, unaware of what he was doing until after. "You piece of shit, you still blame me for the war? The war that's been over for more than seventy years?" He launched up and began pacing the length of the balcony. His blood was boiling, he hadn’t allowed himself to feel this enraged in decades. "Take the blame for something for once in your life! There's blood on your hands too! That hatred, that anger was something your people already had towards every group we - yes, we, Gilbert! - targeted! I don't care if you were selling secrets to Churchill and de Gaulle, you followed orders!" He took a deep breath, calming himself considerably so he was no longer shouting. "Fine, you were morally superior to me from the 1930s till 1945. Does that make you happy? Are you satisfied? What will make you feel better about that, Gilbert? Because how you feel about your involvement is more important than how the rest of the world - the rest of the world on the right side - saw your actions." Prussia lit a cigarette slowly. He took a deep drag and lifted his middle finger up. "Kiss my ass, you little shit." He let that hang there while catching his thoughts. It took every ounce of strength in his body to not throw Ludwig off the building. He would if he knew it would kill him. "See, I was selling secrets. I'd bring food and medicine to the camps and smuggle people out of ghettoes on inspection. I did what I could. So, I'm a bit better than you because I wasn't evil. I was disgusting, but not soulless. But, if you'd kept my fucking government, it might've been different because those assholes would have faced some resistance. That couldn't happen though because big, bad Ludwig wanted to prove himself as the strong leader of the Totally-Not-Prussian-But-German Republic." He smiled like a wolf. "You sure proved yourself, West. Did a real great job with the reins." He snorted. "If I had it my way, I wouldn't have trusted you to lead a horse, much less a people." Germany snapped. "I've got it now! I know who you remind me of!" "A competent nation who can actually win a war?" He waved his hand. "Please, you gave up that title with the Schlieffen Plan. No, you remind me of Britain. Washed up, stuck in the past, and full of distaste for your successor. No wonder you two were allies for so long. Though, I suppose you'd blame me for that falling through as well. Do you blame me for Fritz's death and Napoleon's destruction of your washed-up army too?" Germany smiled when he saw that got his desired reaction. "Shouldn't you be proud of me? I'm now able to do with peace what you could never achieve through war. Finally, a truly essential part of Europe and I haven't had to invade anyone for it." “You wouldn’t have to be such a pussy if you could actually win! What a shame you’re more Saxon and Bavarian than Brandenburger or Prussian! Besides, don’t you just act as a sugar daddy for half of the EU while selling yourself out to Russia and France? That’s a real-” Prussia cut himself off. The absurdity of the entire situation dawned on him when he looked at Germany, really looked at him for the first time this evening. Seeing his younger brother looking so angry and understandably upset at him sent a wave of nausea over Gilbert. If they really wanted to repair things, this wasn’t the way to do it. It was time he swallowed his pride and acted like the older sibling. Gilbert took a deep breath and opened the door to the living room. “Come on. Shouting at each other for all our neighbors to hear isn’t doing anything. We can stop being dicks now. It’s obvious we’re both hurt.” Taken aback, Ludwig complied and made his way to the couch. Gilbert took over the opposite end and let out another long exhale. “Alright, I’m gonna try to be an adult so have some mercy on me, alright?” Happy that that got a smile out of brother, Gilbert proceeded. “It’d be bullshit to try and act like I didn’t mean all that cause I did. I’ve been feeling like that for decades now. And we can deal with that later, but let me answer your original question without having a tantrum. “Yeah, West, I am pissed at you and a part of me really hates you. You took my job and left nothing for me to do here. And, when I did have power, you stripped that away from me the first chance you got because you thought your way was better since you needed to prove yourself. I know I’m guilty of a fair amount - I wouldn’t argue that, I’m haunted by a lot of that just like you - but that doesn’t erase what I, as Gilbert, tried to do. And that’s what gets thrown away and...why? Because I’m related to you means what I did to try and help meant nothing? That because my state was being occupied and I couldn't lead my people in revolt discounts what I did as a person? That my personal rebellion doesn’t matter because it was small? Then, on top of all this, being called blood-thirsty and the source of all your worst traits and having you agree with it! For fuck’s sake, why would I wanna talk to you? You’ve got this picture of me in your head, doesn’t seem like you need the real deal anymore.” Germany had been looking at his hands the entire time Prussia spoke. What Gilbert said hurt, especially because he knew this was the truth. The real truth, not spun in a way that was meant to cut as deeply as possible. Still, a little voice nagged in the back of his head that this wasn’t fair and he couldn’t resist giving in. “Gilbert, if you had told me this earlier then I would’ve been more understanding and have let you help out with various things. I didn’t realize this meant so much to you. You always said you were happy having the house to yourself and about finally being free from the burdens of nationhood.” Prussia winced. Ludwig really believed those transparent lies. Everyone else knew he was so obviously faking it, everyone except the one person who mattered most. He shook the hurt out of his head. They were slowly fixing that problem now. He smiled. “You say that, but you’ve never told me why you’re so pissed at me. Hell, you still haven’t.” His face turned pink. Now was as good a time as ever. “Ah, well, how do you think it’d feel to live in the shadows your ‘awesome’ brother? I’ve known since the beginning everyone preferred you. Russia and Britain were the most obvious ones. Neither of them could trust me as far as they could throw me and they’d constantly ask me about you or look disappointed when they saw me walk into the room - hell, Russia still does that. Even our leaders wanted to work with you. Bismarck saw me only as a tool, as did each kaiser and the military establishment. When the empire fell, they were desperate to cling onto their Prussian titles, but not the German ones. Especially Wilhelm. He was fine with abdicating as emperor, but losing you?” He scoffed. “Well, we all know you’re the real prize. “Then, when I finally had something that was unmistakably my own, you opposed it. You wanted to continue doing things your way. I was done with your way - your way caused us to lose the Great War. I wanted my people to stop being proud of being Bavarian or Saxon or Prussian and instead be proud to be German. That...didn't work out as planned and I was naive enough to believe you and Austria would stand by me, admit that we’d all done wrong, and work to make amends with the rest of the world. His maneuvering out of it didn’t surprise me, nor did the Allies accepting it contrary to fact, but your attempts to disgusted me. As far as I’m concerned, there’s blood on your hands. I believe that you helped people, but I also saw you when you didn’t find it advantageous to be the hero, when you seemed to have no reservations in participating in all those horrible things we did. You’re better than me for trying to fix what you did immediately, but you were still part of the machine.” Neither of them spoke. They were mulling over each other's words, trying to figure out where they fit in their perceptions of how the last century had gone. Their messy relationship was beginning to make sense and they could feel their family slowly melding back together. Gilbert chuckled and leaned back into the couch cushions. He grinned wide at the ceiling. "I've been holding that in since you fucked up the march into Paris in 1914. I really do hate your dumbass. I don't get how you can be related to the greatest military mind of all of continental Europe and then lose every battle against a real opponent." He laughed a bit harder. "I wouldn't have trusted you against the Swedes in Pomerania." Ludwig opened and shut his mouth like a fish. That blindsided him. Was it an insult, a joke, a mix of both? He began mapping it out in his mind and started stuttering out a defense. Gilbert hit him in the side of the head with a throw pillow. "It's a joke! Kinda. Seriously though, who invades Russia? You're so intelligent and then you do stupid shit like that." Germany threw the pillow back. "Shut up, please. I have to hear it from every enlightened World War Two historian, I don't need to hear it from the most awesome and powerful of all the European armies, the general who commanded them all with grace and courage. Have I kissed your ass enough yet to get you to drop it?" He couldn't stop the corners of his mouth from lifting up into a smile. Prussia leaning over and throwing him into a good-natured headlock was the answer he needed. They laughed and the tension started to leave the room. Optimism for the future began to fill them both. Gilbert freed Ludwig from his grasp and crossed his arms behind his head. "It's gonna be a bitch, but we'll get through this. You and I, we can survive anything." He winked. "We're pretty awesome like that." Ludwig smiled at his brother, enjoying Gilbert's presence for the first time in years. "Yeah, it'll take time. But, we'll be alright. One way or another we always are."

[urguidingkey]

OOPS i made kingdom hearts fanfic

in which riku and namine, the redemption kids, for the first time actually.... talk

Not for the first time in this seemingly never-ending year, Naminé was in a bit of a daze. She hadn’t made progress with Sora’s memories in what felt like months, and even though she was spending every waking moment searching for an answer, a cause for the effect, she was still coming up with nothing. Sooner or later, DiZ would find her lost in a moment like she was now, staring absently at Sora’s sleeping silhouette with unblinking eyes, and he would ask her again about the delay. She was a “waste of existence,” a “heartless witch” who would be disposed of if she couldn’t get back to doing the one thing she was here to do.

When the door did open, Naminé instinctively went to making herself look busy, her unfocused eyes looking through her half-finished drawings for what must have been the thousandth time. But when she dared to look up, she breathed an audible sigh of relief when it was Riku standing beside her. Riku, she could handle, Naminé thought to herself. Every once in awhile, he’d join her to look up at his friend, and the silence that they shared was a kind of odd comfort she’d gotten used to. When he came, it wasn’t to demand answers or dole out threats, or really to ask anything of her at all. It really went without saying, but all Riku wanted was to see Sora, to remind himself what all of this was for, sometimes just to say a few words to him before he went off on his way to someplace else. Naminé didn’t ask him questions either. She may be a witch, but she knew well enough how to return a kindness.

But something about today was different. Riku’s hair had grown substantially longer since all of this had started. The way his bangs hung carelessly over his tired eyes, one would think he’d aged half a decade in the past few months, but usually he’d try to hide it. Because of the abilities she was cursed with, Naminé couldn’t help but know there was a battle going on behind those eyes. She could see things about Sora and his friends that she had no business knowing, and even though it had been a long time since either of them had said the name, Ansem still hung in the air like a sickly kind of humidity. And today, well, today Riku wasn’t really putting on any kind of charade to hide that.

“You know... sometimes I feel like I made the wrong call. I wanted to be here for Sora when he woke up, but the more I see him up there, the more I think a few months of sleep sounds pretty good.”

“Riku...” Naminé said, her voice a little frail from disuse. “You made the right choice.”

“Yeah,” he said, and he kept staring. For a moment, Naminé thought they were going to slip back into the usual silence, and then “So... how does this all work anyway? It’s funny, I only just kind of realized I never really knew.”

“Right now, it doesn’t really work at all, I’m afraid.”

“Well, I’m sure it’s a lot of work stitching someone’s life back together. Maybe you’re just missing a step.” He looked at her now for the first time, a half smile on his face.

“It’s... not really like that. Before, I could close my eyes and my own thoughts would go away, and I could see... him. In a way, his memories and his heart were all on display at once, and if I wanted to,” she paused for a moment, remembering. “I could pick a moment in the chain to focus on, and I’d be able to see what connected it to everything else. There were memories that were more important than others, and if I found one of those it was like it was like finding a key that would just unlock more and more.”

“That sounds like a lot to keep track of.”

“That’s why I have these,” she said, holding up her sketchbook. “You know, Sora’s memories were actually the first thing I saw, when I was... at the very beginning. I didn’t really know what it was I was looking at, and I had a hard time separating myself from what I saw of him. It was like my existence was an afterthought to my own creation. When the organization found me, it was like they knew everything about me, and especially about him. They promised me they would tell me everything, help me get on my feet, but it was conditional. If I wanted their help, I had to figure out how to use this connection in a way that would help them. Instead of just looking, I’d have to rearrange and... erase.”

“Erase...”

“I’m sorry. I know you... didn’t really want to know about all this. I promise I’m trying to just explain what’s relevant but- It’s hard not to get into everything and-“

“Naminé, it’s okay. I’m not DiZ.”

“Right. I’m sorry.” She took a deep, steadying breath, looking back to the pod. “What I’m trying to say is it’s more of a mental thing. It’s like a series of pictures I can see, even when I don’t want to. When I changed Sora’s memories, all I was doing was finding the important pictures and unlinking them from everything else then replacing them with the pictures I made. When I first started fixing that, finding the old pictures was easy because... they were right where I left them. But now whenever I look for the ones that are left, it’s not like I can’t find them, it’s like they were never even there in the first place.”

“And you’re sure he can’t wake up without them?”

“Well... he might be able to, but I’m not sure he’d really be Sora anymore. Riku, the thing is, a lot of these memories are... they’re about Kairi.” Naminé watched as Riku’s eyes widened in an expression she couldn’t quite read. He recovered quickly and frowned, now looking at the drawing she held in her lap. Sora and Kairi sat together on a pier, watching the sunset together.

“I see. Well, I guess I’d better go out and find them for you then.”

“What?”

“I mean, how hard can it be? If his memories aren’t in his heart anymore, then they must be somewhere else. I’ll just have to go find them.”

“Riku... even if that were true, you can’t be expected to do that on your own? If you keep using the darkness to get around-“

“I’ll be fine. Besides, if I’m being honest, I’ve been getting kinda sick of that old man expecting YOU to do all this on your own. Sora, he’s both of our friend. So we’re gonna have to fix him together.”

She had to admit, hearing that caught her off guard for a moment. “But... you’re already putting in so much energy into holding off... you know. And, we don’t even know where to start looking, or if I didn’t erase his memories after all without meaning to, or...”

“We’re going to figure something out. I’ve been starting to keep an eye on the Organization anyway, and I bet they know something about this. I’ll start there. But I’ll be back soon, alright?” He started stepping away, reaching out an arm to form a corridor, a hole jammed into an otherwise white space. “And Naminé. This isn’t your fault, okay? No matter what anyone says.” And with one final step, he was gone.

[just-come-baek]

Wedding Fever 3

Pairing: Baekhyun x Reader

Themes: smut (rly soon) | a shitload of fluff | a pinch of angst | wedding!au | friends to lovers!au | fake dating!au | SLOWBURN

Word count: 7.7k

Summary: Baekhyun is the best man, and I am the maid of honor at our friends’ wedding. Although should we be excited about our friends getting married, we seem to complain a lot more every time we meet for another preparation. Maybe it’s a bit fanciful of me to think that, but I hope, somewhere between choosing flowers and venting about the reception prep, he’ll like me just as I like him.

A/N I thought abut this story and there should be 2 more parts. Sorry for not updating this sooner

previous part | masterlist | next part

The weekend arrived way too soon for my liking; I hadn’t had enough time to brace myself for meeting Baekhyun’s parents; however, knowing me, regardless of how many days I’d have to repeat the pep talk I was giving myself at least twice every four hours, it wouldn’t suffice. I was a nervous wreck, and if I was going to stress for another day, I’d definitely go bald.

With accordance to a text Baekhyun had sent me, he was going to pick me up within thirty minutes, leaving me too little time to get dressed, do my makeup and pack my suitcase. And despite the stress he had put me in; I carefully chose an elegant outfit consisting of sky-blue button down, a pair of high-waisted white jeans and a pair of shiny oxfords. As for makeup, I opted for a gentle touch; light brushes of blush and soft colors of eyeshadow perfectly matched my matte red lipstick.

Knock! Knock!

Upon hearing someone knock, I turned my head toward the doors, quickly dashing to open them. It must’ve been Baekhyun on the other side, and since I hadn’t seen him in a while, I smiled at the silly thought. Maybe it was lame of me, but I actually missed him. And though I would love to meet with him under different circumstances, I was not to complain.

The moment I swung the doors open, I saw him in his perfect form. His hair was neatly combed, a matching sky blue shirt around his broad shoulders and chest, light brown trousers loosely hugging his legs. He almost looked like a casual version of me, and it took a lot of self-restraint not to throw myself in his arms and kiss his breath away.

“What the hell are you wearing?” Baekhyun asked as he glanced at me from head to toe.

“What’s wrong with my outfit?” I questioned, looking down at myself, not sure which part of it Baekhyun didn’t like. It seemed classy, so what was his problem?

“Nothing’s wrong about it, you look great.” Baekhyun started, still eyeing me up and down. “But we’re going to a casual barbeque party, and not a job interview. Haven’t you got anything less… official?”

“You really think so? I don’t want to disappoint your parents,” I genuinely said, as I wasn’t convinced about changing out of my attire. Maybe it was a bit solemn, but I was to make my first impression, and I wanted it to be prodigious.

“They’re gonna love you regardless of what you’re going to wear,” Baekhyun spoke confidently, not even doubting my ability to make his parents fond of me.

“How can you be so calm? I’ve been a bundle of nerves the entire week,” I admitted, and Baekhyun chuckled boyishly, effortlessly making my heart pound as if I had a mini-heart attack. “I can’t be the only one freaking out.”

“I just know there’s nothing to be afraid of,” Baekhyun stated casually, as I waited for elaboration. “Almost two years ago, my brother introduced his girlfriend, and it wasn’t a big deal, so why should our situation be any different?”

“Hmm… I don’t know… maybe because we’re faking it?” I concluded, having another mini-panic attack. “Your mother must be one of these women with a lie detector in her eyes, we’re gonna get caught. I know it,” and there it was, full mode of an anxiety attack.

“Relax,” Baekhyun calmly commanded, as he placed his hands on my shoulders, making me look into his eyes as if it was to soothe me. Quite contrary to his intentions, his deep tranquil gaze put me in the even more nervous state. “It’s going to be fine; it’s just a barbeque, not an interrogation. No one will find out.”

“Right,” I answered, though I wasn’t entirely convinced.

“Okay, so get changed, you don’t want to be late, do you?” Baekhyun challenged, and I shook my head. Arriving late wouldn’t be the best first impression, and I must’ve not let that happen. “Put something more casual.”

“Ugh, fine,” I replied, though much unwillingly. “Just wait here,” I said before I locked myself in my bedroom, throwing everything out of my closet, seeking anything remotely less formal. It wasn’t as easy as Baekhyun made it out to be, but when he saw me in the same shirt, a pair of shorts and trainers, he approved it despite it being only slightly different.

“Please tell me you packed only casual clothes,” Baekhyun spoke, as I rolled my tiny suitcase out of my bedroom.

“Only T-shirts and sweatpants,” I retorted, and Baekhyun nodded, happy that I wasn’t so stressed anymore.

“Okay, we should go now. Otherwise, we’re seriously going to be late.”

  ***

  “Who are you texting so passionately? You’ve been on your phone the entire ride,” Baekhyun asked, somewhat fed up with the lack of the conversation. The radio was on the whole time, and he tapped his fingers against the steering wheel in the rhythm, but it still didn’t make up for my uninterested hums whenever he asked me something. “Are you seeing anybody?” he added, and I perked up my head when I registered what he said.

“What?” I looked at him, perplexed. He thought I was dating? How ridiculous! At the moment, it wasn’t possible; I was still hooked up on him. “No, I’m not dating anyone.”

“Then who are you texting with that big smile?”

“Jiwoo,” I answered shortly, locking my phone, letting her spam my inbox. “We’re going shopping for her wedding dress on Tuesday, and right now, she’s looking them up online.”

“Oh… well… I thought we were sick and tired of the wedding. What has changed?” Baekhyun spoke, sounding very much disappointed and deceived. I mean… we had never been particularly ecstatic about the whole thing, but now my attitude did a 180. Admittedly, picking the wedding dress was the second best thing about being Jiwoo’s bridesmaid. (First thing was obviously getting to see Baekhyun.)

“Nothing has changed,” I quickly answered, not wanting him to think that I was pretending to be fed up with Jiwoo’s shenanigans regarding her wedding. Multiple times, she or Hongbin had made me regret agreeing to become the bridesmaid, but planning the purchase of her wedding dress – it was an entirely different thing. “TLC has brainwashed me, and I think I’ll enjoy helping her pick her dress even if she ignores my opinion. You can’t blame me for being a girl, girls love shopping for clothes.”

“If you put it that way…” Baekhyun nodded his head, now understanding my point of view. “Then I can only hope you two have fun.”

“Thanks,” I replied casually, quickly unlocking my phone, eager to check out more screenshots Jiwoo had sent me. Just like I expected, during my short conversation with Baekhyun, Jiwoo had managed to forward over twenty pictures of gorgeous gowns.

“Have you ever thought about what you’re going to tell your mother about me? You know… how we met, when we started dating, and other stuff like that?” I asked, though my eyes were trained on the screen, zooming in and out the pictures, studying the tiniest details.

“Not really,” Baekhyun answered, and I hummed, trying not to show any disappointment; I had been stressing out for the entirety of the week, whereas he hadn’t given any fucks about it. “I mean… I thought about it, but I haven’t come with anything substantial. Have you?”

“Actually, I assumed you would have everything figured out by the time you come to pick me up,” I confessed, though not confidently. “But I guess we can act normal as much as it’s possible, and when somebody asks a question about our ‘relationship’ one of us has to make something up, and the latter must play along. What do you think?”

 “Yeah, let’s do that,” Baekhyun agreed, and I smiled, contended that he liked my idea. “What about skinship? My mother is a devil, and she pays a lot of attention to it. She’s going to sense that something’s off if we leave space for Jesus between us.”

“Seriously?” I asked, quite surprised that Baekhyun’s mother didn’t mind her son being all touchy-feely with his girlfriend right in front of her. Better yet, she preferred seeing her son passionate and demonstrative. “It’s okay,” I spoke, and Baekhyun tore his gaze away from the road to look at me, astounded. “What? It’s not that we’re going to fuck on the dinner table halfway through the meal, so it should be okay.”

“Really? I didn’t expect you to be so cool about it.” Baekhyun replied, but when he realized my exasperated glare, he wished he had bitten his tongue. For him, I must’ve looked angry, but in reality, I was just mildly insulted with no intentions of correcting him. I needed him to elaborate on why he thought I wouldn’t be cool about him touching me.

“And why is that?” I teased, trying my best to sound serious.

“It’s nothing,” Baekhyun said, attempting to dismiss the topic.

“Please, do tell,” I urged him, expecting to hear something I already know. “I’m really curious; why do you think I wouldn’t be cool about it?”

“You won’t let it go, will you?” Baekhyun asked, and I firmly nodded my head. I was stubborn just like Baekhyun, and I wouldn’t stop pestering him until he told me what he meant. “I mean… not in a bad sense… but I have never seen you affectionate with a man… well… at least not in front of me… so I just assumed you must be very private and… well… not so fond of public display of affection.”

“Hmm… so in your opinion, I’m a prude,” I concluded, and Baekhyun chuckled nervously, definitely not enjoying our conversation. “Wow, a prude! Thank you so much.”

“I didn’t mean it in a bad sense,” Baekhyun defended himself, and I remained silent, curious what else he could say to make the situation even worse. “And I’ve never called you a prude, all I said was that whenever you date you probably don’t make out in front of everyone, making all single people feel even more miserable.”

“Well… you’re right, I don’t do that,” I agreed, remembering how many times Jiwoo and Hongbin had made out in front of us. (Way too many to keep track of it.) “I’m not a prude, though.”

“That’s good, prude people are boring.”

  ***

  “Are you ready?” Baekhyun asked when he pulled over in front of his parents’ house.

Waiting for my response, Baekhyun turned off the engine and looked at me.

“Turn the car around,” I spoke, certain that I wasn’t ready to face his parents. Not now, pretending his girlfriend, probably still not ready even if we were dating for real. “I’m calling it off, I can’t do it,” I blabbered, knowing another mini-anxiety attack was to kick in.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Baekhyun whispered, as he held my hand, thinking it would calm me down. “Relax, we’ve come so far, we can’t bail now,” he spoke, but I shook my head, denying his every word. It wasn’t right for his family. It wasn’t right for me, either. I had agreed to it impulsively because of my attraction, and now, I was about to make a fool out of myself. I should have known better not to act on my feelings. “Besides, the hardest part is already passed us,” he added, but it didn’t matter. I couldn’t do it.

“Baekhyun, I can’t,” I spoke, my voice weak. “They don’t deserve being lied to. We’re going to get caught, and when that happens, they’re going to hate me.” I blathered, starting to suffocate in the car. Although I rarely get stressed, Baekhyun’s precarious request was to make me faint out of fuss. “Let’s get out of here.”

“Calm down,” Baekhyun cooed, tucking my hair behind my ear. “Everything’s alright, we can do this,” he added, and I looked at him, seeking serenity and assurance in his eyes. Regardless of how many doubts I had, Baekhyun seemed confident that we could get through this. “Just trust me; I wouldn’t bring you here if I didn’t think we could make it.”

“I trust you,” I replied, and when I was to grace him with a reassuring smile, I jumped in my seat when someone knocked on the car’s window. Perplexed, I turned to see a cute elderly couple smiling at Baekhyun.

“Don’t worry about anything. See? They already love you,” Baekhyun mentioned, and I smiled at him nervously knowing it’s too late to butt out. “Come on, it’s show time.”

Baekhyun got out of the car, and I hesitantly followed suit.

“What took you so long? Everybody’s starving, but your dad didn’t want to start without you,” Baekhyun’s mother said as she embraced her son tightly as if he just returned from war.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Baekhyun nonchalantly spoke, smiling at me. “We came earlier than you told us to,” he candidly said as he stretched his arm to lace our fingers, wanting to introduce me.

“Is she your girlfriend?” Baekhyun’s dad asked, genuinely happy that his son was finally seeing someone. Proudly, Baekhyun nodded his head, and then his dad smiled at me, shaking hands with me.

“At last you brought someone!” His mother cheered, as she pushed Baekhyun aside to give me a robust hug, almost crushing my bones. “Your father and I thought you would never introduce any girl to us, but thankfully we were wrong.”

“Gee, thanks,” Baekhyun chimed in, staring at his mother clung onto my tensed body. “You also thought I’d drop from college, and then what happened?” Baekhyun sarcastically asked as he tried to disguise his discomfort and offense.

“We were proud of you then, and we’re proud of you now,” Baekhyun’s father defended them, as he looked at him and then at me, probably thinking how great of a couple we made. Too bad it was only a charade because no matter how compatible we seemed to other people, Baekhyun would never think about actually asking me out.

“How come I don’t believe you?” Baekhyun teasingly questioned, as he sneaked his arm behind my back, resting his hand on my hip. He had warned me about skinship, and when he showcased it in front of his parents, my cheeks flushed. In their opinion, he was being adorable and possessive, but I knew his affection was artificial and meaningless.

“Because you’re an ungrateful son,” Baekhyun’s mother jested, and I giggled at their interaction. I wished I had this kind of connection with my parents. “But we love you regardless, so why don’t we just go to the garden. Your brother is already preparing the grill, so we should supervise him before he and his girlfriend eat the whole food.”

“What do you say? Should we join them or just unpack first?” Baekhyun turned to me, looking down at me fondly. The way his eyes drill holes in mine could only one thing – he wanted me to stall the barbeque as if striving to discuss something.

“Let’s eat! I’m starving,” I replied enthusiastically, going against Baekhyun’s wishes. There was no point in discussing anything, but I was making my first impression, and I didn’t want them to think I was so shy I’d hide behind Baekhyun the entire gathering.

Displeased, Baekhyun squeezed my hand tighter, gritting through his teeth. “Sure, let’s eat first, your stomach was growling the entire ride,” he joked, and I jabbed him lightly, making their parents giggle at our playful contact.

When they led us further inside, I met the rest of Baekhyun’s family which included his brother with his girlfriend, two aunts with their husbands on Baekhyun’s father’s side and one uncle on his mother’s side.

At first, I was a bit intimidated and overwhelmed by their questioning but having drunk a bottle of chilled beer helped me keep my stress level in check. I was the newest member of their family, so their curiosity was understandable. Thankfully, just when the food was being served, Baekhyun’s brother announced that he and his girlfriend moved in together, and that revelation ultimately outshined my relationship with Baekhyun.

During the barbeque, Baekhyun was an absolute sweetheart; he cut the meat for me, he went inside for another beer when I finished one, he even wiped my elbow when I accidentally dirtied it with some ketchup. He was caring and thoughtful; his current behavior was even better than in my wildest daydreams.

“So… when have you started dating?” Baekhyun’s brother, Baekbeom, asked, fed up with the interrogation. Yes, he and his girlfriend of two years decided to live together, but on the other hand, his baby brother brought a girlfriend for the very first time.

Unsure, I looked at up Baekhyun, urging him to answer the question. We were in this together, but we were here because of him, so it only made sense for him to start replying. He would break the ice, and I’d follow suit, making our love story more natural.

“Not that long time ago,” Baekhyun started, as he put his bottle of beer on the wooden table. “As you might’ve heard, I’m Hongbin’s best man, and she’s Jiwoo’s maid of honor. And sometime between looking up perfect wedding locations and picking wedding invites I realized how difficult it’s going to be her friend, so I asked her out.” Baekhyun lied so confidently, I’d believe him if I didn’t know the truth. It was a cute story, and I wished it was true, although I knew it would never happen.

“Did she agree?” Baekbeom’s girlfriend, Mihyun, asked, engrossed by the story which was only a figment of Baekhyun’s imagination.

“Of course, she agreed!” Baekhyun spoke in a slightly louder voice as if he was offended by Mihyun’s inquiry. “Do you think we would be here together if she said no?”

“If he didn’t ask me out back then, I’d probably be the one to do it,” I interjected, making the whole table chuckle. Neither of it was true, so I assumed it wouldn’t hurt to boost his ego, especially when he was playfully bullied by his closest family members.

“Oh, I like that,” Baekhyun’s mother spoke, nodding her head, smiling at me. “Girls must be strong and independent these days. I like her, Baekhyun. You chose well.”

“Obviously,” Baekhyun agreed, leaning forward to peck my cheek. “I always choose what’s best,” he added, squeezing my hand. “So… is there any dessert? I’m craving your legendary cheesecake.” Baekhyun spoke excitedly, smoothly dodging an incoming series of questions.

“Of course,” Baekhyun’s dad hollered, as he rubbed his palms together, craving the mentioned cheesecake probably even more. “I’ll get it, honey,” he added, pecking his wife’s lips in the cutest of ways.

“Your parents are adorable,” I leaned and whispered into Baekhyun’s ear, and he giggled.

“What are you two lovebirds conspiring?” One of Baekhyun’s aunts asked, and Baekhyun sent her one of his brightest smiles.

“They probably can’t wait to be left alone,” Baekbeom commented, smirking at us. “They must still be in their honeymoon phase. Probably going at it like rabbits,” he added mischievously, getting jabbed by his girlfriend. “What? Am I wrong?” He inquired, and his mother shook her head disapprovingly, as she was more interested in the romantic part of our relationship. Frankly, I couldn’t blame her; I wouldn’t be keen on knowing all the details of my children’s sex life, either.

“Baekbeom, stop it,” Mrs. Byun scolded her elder son before she looked at Baekhyun. “Not in front of my cheesecake,” she jested when her husband walked out of the house with the dessert. “So… changing the subject, where did my son take you on a first date?”

“Hmm?” I hummed, buying myself some time, not wanting to blurt the first blatant lie which came to my stupid mind. “My first date with Baekhyun? Oh, he took me to the bowling alley. I had no idea what I was doing since it was my first time bowling, but he promised to teach me, and then he kicked my butt, although he said he wouldn’t.”

“I’m not even surprised,” Baekbeom spoke matter-of-factly, smirking playfully.

“That’s my son,” Mr. Byun interjected, earning a jab from his wife. “What? I didn’t say I approve of that. All I mean is that I’d do the same thing,” he added mischievously, leaning forward to plant a soft kiss on Mrs. Byun temple. “You love me anyway.”

“How have I dealt with such a brat like you so many years?”

“Like I said. You. Love. Me.” Mr. Byun articulated every word carefully, so the message would get through her thick head. Apparently, Baekhyun had taken stubbornness after his mother, whereas the playfulness after his father.

“Not in front of my bacon,” Baekhyun shouted, as he put a slice of grilled bacon into his mouth, disgusted by his parents’ affection. For someone who enjoyed public display of endearment, she surely didn’t mind demonstrating it, either.

“Don’t give me that attitude,” Mrs. Byun scolded Baekhyun, as she reached for the knife to cut her bakery masterpiece. “Would you like the first piece?” She asked me with a large piece of cake on a paper plate, and although I was already full, I couldn’t say no.

“Speaking of bacon,” started Baekbeom, “it was Baekhyun’s nickname in primary school. He was a bit chubby, and other kids kept calling him that. Has Baekhyun ever mentioned that?” Baekbeom asked, and I chuckled, wondering how cute he must’ve looked when he was a child. I probably wouldn’t be able to handle his cuteness.

“And who started calling me that?” Baekhyun looked at his older brother deadly as if he was ready to attack if he embarrassed him any further. “You; it was your fault I was bullied.”

“I don’t think he has,” I muttered, smiling warmly at Baekhyun. Of course, I didn’t know anything about his school years. We barely talked about current affairs, let alone our past experiences. Once or twice we had held a serious conversation, but it had never been of sorts. “But I bet he was the cutest boy in his class.”

“Oh, you’re right, honey,” Mrs. Byun agreed with me, promising to show me all of the family photos, and though I hated going through my old pictures, I’d gladly sneak a peek at Baekhyun’s. I believed that Mr. Byun had taken a few cringy ones for moments like this one.

“Don’t even think about it,” Baekhyun warned me, raising his finger as if I were a child. “No one’s seeing these pictures, especially not you,” he added, and I pouted, disappointed that I meant so little to him that he didn’t want to share the tiniest bit of his childhood memories with me. It felt like a punch in the face, and it hurt.

“How are Hongbin and Jiwoo doing?” Baekhyun’s father asked, trying to change the subject as he noticed my disappointment. My acting wasn’t as convincing as I thought it was, I concluded. Mr. Byun could see through my façade too quickly; I had to be more aware of my reactions.  I couldn’t let him fathom what was going on between his son and me.

“Fine, then forget that you’ll ever see mine,” I whined, trying my best to disguise my failure with playfulness before anyone else could grasp the situation.

Baekhyun, amused by my retort, only stuck out his tongue, and I elbowed him slightly.

“They’re busy with preparations. We barely managed to escape from their crazy demands,” Baekhyun explained truthfully, glad that we dismissed the ticklish topic. “We have our hands full with all the nuisance, but Hongbin and Jiwoo have at least twice as much work to do.”

“But Hongbin’s like our third son.” Mrs. Byun announced, feeling slightly sad because of his absence. “Besides, we haven’t even seen his fiancée. How could he not introduce her to us?” She wondered, as she cut the rest of the cheesecake, and distributed it among the other guests.

“I let him know that you miss him. He’ll be ecstatic to come here,” Baekhyun snickered, and his mother glared at him, not pleased with his tone. “He’ll pop up here in a heartbeat.”

“Or we can always visit you sometime, hoping Hongbin would be around. As you said, he’s super busy. It would be too much of a hassle for him to drive all the way here,” Mr. Byun reasoned, and everyone except for Baekhyun and me loved the idea. If his parents paid Baekhyun a visit, we would have to continue the charade. Maybe Baekhyun played his role perfectly, but with each minute into the act, I knew I’d fall for him more, and when the time of break-up would come, my heart was to wilt.

“Of course, that would be lovely,” Baekhyun said, but I knew he didn’t mind his words; he was panicking just like me. It was supposed to be a one-time thing. Well… maybe we’d have to perform at Hongbin’s wedding, but then the newlyweds would have all the attention. “Just let me know, so I can prepare the bedding for you.”

OK, I didn’t sign up for this, but I agreed to help him out, and it was a low blow to back out now. I’ve already fed them with lies; I might’ve as well conducted it to an inevitable end.

Shorty after the forced invitation, everyone focused on Baekbeom and his work. Or more precisely, on the work trip to Thailand where he’s going next week.

“Can I have a bite?” Baekhyun asked, pointing his fork at my plate with half-eaten cheesecake. Mrs. Byun had made a delicious dessert, but I was already full of all the meat that Baekhyun had put on my plate, and I just couldn’t finish it.

“Sure,” I replied happily, pushing my plate closer to Baekhyun. Excitedly, Baekhyun licked his lips, as he stared at the cheesecake, digging his fork in it, taking the largest bite I have ever seen. “Seriously?” I asked, a bit too loud, obtaining a lot of unnecessary attention.

With his mouth full, Baekhyun tried to defend himself, but I had no idea what he was trying to say. But seriously; if he wanted to devour the rest of my dessert, he just had to ask. I’d give him anything he would ask me to.

“They’re adorable, aren’t they?” Mrs. Byun cooed when Baekhyun was stuffing his mouth with the remaining of my dessert, while I was trying to steal the plate back.

“Sharing is caring,” Baekhyun whined, still chewing. This guy was incredible – how the hell have I fallen for this one when so many other men were available? I just stared at him; he was chewing with his mouth open the food he shamelessly stole.

God, I really adore him.

“It gets a bit cold, don’t you think?” Mr. Byun asked his wife, who immediately understood what he meant by that.

“Why don’t you take your luggage to your room, and then show her around the neighborhood? The night is delightful; you two should take a stroll.” Mrs. Byun said, and though she tried to force another romantic gesture out of him, I was thankful for that because we could stop pretending for a while.

“Should we do that?” Baekhyun inquired, looking at me with his sparkly eyes. Did he really expect me to take down that offer? Quickly, I nodded, and Baekhyun rose from his seat, stretching his arm to take my hand and help me stand up.

Afraid that his mother could be spying on us, Baekhyun refused to let me carry my own baggage. I wasn’t going to oppose his offer, though. My suitcase was rather heavy, and if Baekhyun was willing to help, even though only to keep up the appearances, I was thankful.

After a lot of complaining and cursing, we reached Baekhyun’s room. It wasn’t anything special; a simple bed with a yoga mat placed next to it, a desk with old notebooks, a bookcase with dozens of comic books, and a wardrobe.

“Do you want a blanket or a hoodie?” Baekhyun asked as he placed our luggage beside the desk. “It may be a lot colder in an hour.”

“There’s no need; I’ve brought a sweater. Wait for a second,” I replied, as I opened my suitcase, and threw everything on the floor, seeking for that particular piece of clothing. “OK, I’m ready, we can go now.”

The moment we assumed we were a decent distance away from his family, we could finally relax. Taking deep breaths, we strolled down the pavement side by side. They couldn’t hear us conspire, and it was calming to talk to him without anyone just waiting for me to make a mistake and completely blow my cover.

“For one second I thought your father caught me,” I told, relieved that in the end, Mr. Byun didn’t confront us about our little act.

“My dad? No way! He’s like the most oblivious person I know,” Baekhyun retorted, and I bit my tongue before I told Baekhyun I couldn’t agree with him. If anything, he still had no idea about my feelings, so this title should belong to him.

“Yes way!” I shouted, laughing. “He gave me that you won’t fool me look.”

“Don’t worry about him. He’s harmless. But on the other hand, there’s my mother. I can bet that by the time we get back, she’ll have our wedding all planned out. Seriously, she’s annoying beyond human’s endurance.” Baekhyun warned me, and I laughed, hoping he was exaggerating. She couldn’t be that bad. Or could she? “She’s probably interrogating my brother, demanding grandkids.”

“She can’t be that bad,” I said, hoping I was right. I knew her for a couple of hours, and she seemed to be lovely. “Let’s not worry in advance, though. We did a pretty good job, didn’t we?” I sighed in relief, smiling because we survived the barbeque without getting caught red-handed. “So, why don’t you want me to see your baby photos?”

“Well… I didn’t think you’d be interested,” Baekhyun answered honestly, looking down at his shoes. “I was a chubby kid, and these photos are hideous. I’d burn them if I could; trust me,” he explained, and now, I seriously wanted to have a peek. It couldn’t be that bad.

“I highly doubt that,” I chimed in, wondering how Baekhyun looked when he was little. Even with some fat, he must’ve been the most adorable kid in the entire school. “Any other interesting secrets you have there?”

“I’m not giving secrets for free, you know…”

“Oh, ask away. I have nothing to hide,” I said confidently, but then that one college memory flashed in the back of my mind, and I felt sick. I hadn’t told it anyone; only Jiwoo knew about it, and I wondered if confiding to Baekhyun the truth would help me close that chapter once and for all.

“You look like you want to say something,” Baekhyun remarked, as he read my expression.

“I guess I do, but it’ll totally ruin the mood,” I tried to joke, but Baekhyun seemed oddly solemn and mature. It was out of his typical silly character, right now, he looked as if he was ready to hold me in his arms if I burst out in tears.

“I don’t mind; we’re friends and friends are out there for each other for the better or worse,” Baekhyun said, and I smiled warmly at the fact that he actually stated that I could rely on him. We barely hung out, yet he proved to be a better friend than I had expected him to be. “And if you need another incentive then fine, you’re allowed to look through my childhood photos,” Baekhyun added, and I barely managed to keep my cool.

Baekhyun was silly and playful, but when needed he was very supportive and considerate. And besides his marvelous inside, he was incredibly good-looking on the outside. He was a walking perfection, and I almost teared up when he held my hand reassuringly.

“My deepest secret? Let me think.” I sighed, trying to voice my thoughts coolly. It had been almost two years ago, and I didn’t want to seem pathetic and petty in front of him.

OK, men up for the fuck’s sake! You’re a grown-up woman! Say it quickly! Don’t run around the bush. Just tell him that at the drop of a hat! It’s no big deal. I preached to myself, looking at my shoes nervously. Finally, I gathered the courage to recount that nightmare.

“I’m all ears,” Baekhyun added, swinging our locked hands back and forth. The atmosphere was serene; the warm wind blew gently, his eyes were trained on the path ahead, my heart was pounding next to him.

“I’ve never told this anyone,” I started, looking everywhere but Baekhyun’s side. I wouldn’t finish my confession if he looked me in the eyes. “During my sophomore year, I was dating this guy named Jungkook. Things were going smoothly between us, and I was slowly falling in love with him. But apparently, I didn’t mean to him as much as he meant to me.” I said, and Baekhyun remained quiet, drawing circles with his thumb on my hand.

“One time, there was a party; he wanted to go, but I was snowed under my notes because I had an exam the next day. Jungkook went alone, and I stayed in my room studying. But shortly before midnight, I ditched because I knew I wasn’t going to learn anything. And when I finally found him, he was in a room nailing another chick.”

Jungkook was my first serious boyfriend, and it hurt like a bitch.

“And here comes the best. The cherry on the top of a fucking cake; this girl he cheated me on with was Jiwoo.” I confessed, and Baekhyun stopped dead in his track, yanking me gently, forcing me to look him in the eye. His grip tightened, but I didn’t dare to meet his gaze.

“Before Jiwoo met Hongbin, she was a completely different person. She was a seducer, living for attention. It was foolish of me to expect her not to chase after him.” I explained harshly. “But on the bright side, she helped me get rid of him before I seriously fell for him. He wasn’t worthy of me if he couldn’t resist her.”

“How can you still be friends with her after what she did to you?” Baekhyun asked as he couldn’t completely comprehend the situation.

“I gave her a second chance, and she promised to change. Shortly after that incident, she met Hongbin, and she truly changed.” I answered honestly, even if Baekhyun thought I was an idiot for not cutting her out of my life. I’d kept her around, but I didn’t forget what she had done. (And probably never will.) Jiwoo was to start anew with Hongbin and never fail my trust again. I believed in her.

“Wow.”

“Yeah, but it’s in the past. I’ve moved on,” I lied, hoping Baekhyun wouldn’t realize it. It happened years ago, but I was still petrified at the thought of introducing my new boyfriend to her, afraid of such history repeat itself. She was in a serious relationship with Hongbin, but it was stronger than me to picture her hands on my man. “Can we go back now? It gets cold, and I really want to go through your family photos.”

  ***

  With our hands still interlocked we reached the house; by the time we arrived, everything was cleaned, and all the guests moved the party inside.

Despite my sad confession, Baekhyun had changed the topic, and when we were standing on the porch, I was laughing so hard my stomach was beginning to hurt.

“Are you ready?” Baekhyun asked, being willing to give me a few more minutes before we would have to get back into the act. It was considerate of him, and I gladly agreed to hang out for a little longer. My chances of spending some quality time with him were limited, so I was determined to make the best of it.

“I may be seeing things, but I think I just saw your mother peeking through the curtains,” I leaned and whispered into Baekhyun’s ear. We were absent for quite a while, and she might’ve been worried or just curious about our interaction when we were alone.

“Really?” Baekhyun mused, giggling. “Do you think we should give her a show she wants so much?” he asked, and I cocked my eyebrow at him, wondering if he was thinking the same. Did he seriously want to make out in front of his mother? There was nothing I wanted more, but was it okay to use the situation like that? I wanted him to kiss me because he wanted to, not because he had to prove something.

“Let’s do this,” I encouraged him, sliding my hands into the back pockets of his trousers.

Gently, Baekhyun brushed some stray hair off my face. His eyes searched mine, and I’d melt unless his hands kept me in place. Licking his lips, he leaned forward, and our lips locked in a delicate kiss. After a few seconds, he started to move, and I mirrored his actions and pace.

His lips were soft, and his kisses were perfect. Maybe it was embarrassing, but I was already turned on, and ready to take the fun to another level or two.

“Wow,” I said in wonder when he pulled away to take a breath. His lips were addicting, and I had to have another taste, so I urgently pulled him against me. Due to my clumsiness, I stumbled backwards, Baekhyun’s chest pressed tightly against me, and now, I was squeezed between him and the porch’s railing with no chance of escaping.

He was so close to me, with his hands on my hips, kissing my breath away. I could stay in this moment forever; his mouth on mine, gently nipping my bottom lip, urging me to let him deepen the kiss.

“Baekhyun,” I murmured, and he took his chance and pushed his tongue into my mouth. He kissed me as if wanted to do that for an extremely long time, but I had to remind myself he was solely doing it to keep up the appearances. Baekhyun was trying to convince his family that he belonged with me, and if I didn’t know the context of our kiss, he’d have fooled me too.

When kissing Baekhyun, it was ridiculously easy to forget the surrounding and get lost in the romantic sensation. One of us moaned at some point, and though I wasn’t sure who, I had a feeling it was me since I was kissing him for real, pouring all of my emotion in it.

It was probably my first and last chance to do so, and I couldn’t waste such a lifetime opportunity. Some people wouldn’t be able to look at their soul mate, yet I got to kiss mine, and it was another reason to stop considering myself the unluckiest person on Earth. I got to experience it, and I was going to cherish every second of this memory.

“It was…” Baekhyun started, as he pulled away. His hands were still holding the back of my head, and he was staring into my eyes. It was too much for me; I had to look away in embarrassment. A little bit caught off guard, Baekhyun cleared his throat and said, “I think she bought it. She shouldn’t cause any more trouble.”

“Yeah, that’s good,” I said awkwardly, looking at him scratch the back of his head in chagrin. “I’d hate to get caught,” I added, smiling as the warmth gradually cool down. Baekhyun’s plain words were like a bucket of ice-cold water poured on my boiling heart; only the smoke of disappointment hung in the air.

“Let’s get inside,” Baekhyun mentioned, as he led me inside. It was a bit disheartening to watch him being so casual; as if we hadn’t just made out. He didn’t dwell on what kind of emotions he made me feel, and thinking about it pained me physically.

  ***

  When we got inside his parents’ house, everyone either returned home or was getting ready to sleep. Baekhyun and I weren’t that much different; we lied about being exhausted, and easily sneaked into his room.

Once sheltered behind the doors, I lay down on Baekhyun’s old bed, while Baekhyun looked for his pajamas, which consisted of an old T-shirt and sweatpants. Quietly, he left the room to change, and when he came back in his sleepwear, he was still ridiculously attractive.

Now, I was confident I had a problem, and this problem had a name, and he hung around quite often. With each passing minute, my infatuation grew stronger; by the day of Jiwoo’s wedding, my heart would burst out of the unrequited feelings.

When around him, for the first time in my life, I felt alive. And now, having tasted the heaven, I assumed it was about time to learn how to live without him. This short journey helped me realize how it would feel to be with him, and because he had no feelings for me, I should stop lying to myself and look for someone who could love me back.

At some point, I felt stronger and more mature.

“What are you thinking about?” Baekhyun asked, sitting beside me on his bed. “Your eyebrows crease as if you’re in pain,” he added, and I tried to relax. Baekhyun was beginning to suspect something, and I couldn’t let him find out, and expose myself to the mortification that would follow my shameful confession.

“I was thinking about how much work we still have regarding Jiwoo’s wedding,” I lied, and Baekhyun understood my evident displeasure. It was probably the last chance to relax before we would get snowed under another shitload of planning.

“Well… you’re right.” Baekhyun agreed with a deep sigh. “You can go change, the bathroom is the second door on the left,” he instructed, and I got off the bed to look for my pajamas in the pile of my stuff next to my empty suitcase.

“Ummm… Baekhyun? Do you think I could borrow one of your shirts? Because you rushed me back then, I forgot to pack my pajamas.”

“Are you seriously going to blame me for it?” Baekhyun asked, trying to refrain from laughing. “Wow,” he added, as he stood up and walked to his wardrobe. “Here.” Baekhyun handed me an oversized T-shirt and a pair of old sweatpants.

When I came back, changed and with brushed teeth, Baekhyun was one the yoga mat, trying to find a comfortable position in which he could survive the night. Watching him gingerly, I strutted to the bed and hid under the covers.

“This is absurd,” Baekhyun groaned, and I watched him wiggle from beneath the duvet. “I think I’ll take the couch in the living room.” He announced as he picked up the pillow.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” I said before he left the room. “Just sleep next to me. It’s not like we’ve never shared a bed before.” I reasoned, and Baekhyun looked at me, thinking about his decision. True, we had slept together a few times before. Also true, the bed is smaller with each time. “Just come here already. Unless you want your mother to think that we’re fighting.”

“God no, just scoot over.”

  ***

  When I woke up, Baekhyun was gone. Nonetheless, I could feel his presence; his scent lingered in the air, his stuff was scattered all over the floor, and his phone buzzed every ten seconds when he got a text message.

It was 9 o’clock.

Not bothering to change into my clothes, I walked downstairs. Baekhyun’s father was in the living room watching the news, while Mrs. Byun was making a mess in the kitchen, preparing the breakfast.

“Oh, you’re awake.” She said when I entered the kitchen, “Baekhyun’s out for fresh rolls.” Mrs. Byun answered my question which I was about to ask. “How did you sleep tonight?” She looked at me as if she knew that I shared the bed with Baekhyun, but decided not to mention that fact.

“Like a log, actually,” I said, sighing, as I remembered how Baekhyun was hugging me when I woke up in the middle of the night. Our limbs were tangled, and he held me close. It was incredibly comfortable, and it broke my heart a little to know it would never happen again.

“Do you want some coffee?” Mrs. Byun asked as the kettle started to whistle. I nodded, and although I offered her my help, she firmly refused. According to her, I was a guest, and she couldn’t bother me with housework despite my need to impress her. “Baekhyun’s so happy with you.” She stated, catching me off guard with her statement. “Maybe, he doesn’t love you as much you love him yet, but give him some time, he’s getting there.”

“You really think so?” I asked, trying not to sound pathetically hopeful. She was his mother, but she was fooled by our acting. She didn’t know the truth, and she was misreading the situation. He only seemed infatuated because we made it look like it. And no matter how poignant it was of me, I still wished she was right.

“Of course!” Mrs. Byun said confidently, and I sent her a feeble smile. “I know my son, and I know when he’s happy. When he came downstairs earlier, he was radiating. What did you do at night? I didn’t hear a thing!”

“We didn’t do anything!” I protested, and she laughed loudly at my embarrassment and timidity. “Really!”

“If that’s true, then you must mean to him much more than I assumed.”

“Oh.”

[prettyfunkyunorganized]

Hanzo - Too Much

Hello! Still not feeling great, but I felt up to some editing, so here we are! 

Another Hanzo reader insert for you. One in an established relationship that involves a stressed outburst and Hanzo taking care of you. Then a surprising revelation about Hanzo at the end. *heh heh heh* Around 3,100 words.

WARNING: panic attack-ish?

It had been an absolutely grueling day since the moment you woke up. For some reason, your shoulders were overly tight and sore, you managed to drop makeup right onto your shirt two minutes after you got dressed, breakfast was a scarfed down granola bar, and the moment you got to your desk work was an utter shit show. It was one set back after another, one punch in the gut after another – literally during combat practice, and one reprimand from the other members after another. You were the new girl, so having people harp on you was excepted, but things were getting to you today. Maybe you were just being sensitive, but it felt like you were letting everyone down and they were beginning to lose faith in you. No matter how hard you tried, you never seemed to be enough.

By the time you slogged back to your room, you were painfully ready for a shower and a night of hiding under the covers. But then again, Lena said you ought to come hang out with the others to build team comradery. Fuck. All you wanted was to be alone and flop into a pile of exhaustion. You slipped into your dorm, tossed your coat to the floor, and kicked your boots to the side.

“I’ll take a breather,” you sighed. “Half an hour, and then I’ll go back to pretending I’m sociable.”

Then there was a knock at the door. Fuuuuck.

“Who is it,” you called, trying not to sound too disheartened.

“It is me,” Hanzo’s low voice rumbled.

“Oh thank god,” you chuckled, letting him in with a smile. The stressed look on his face instantly made you droop. Someone else was feeling as dreadful as you.

You waved your hand, silently inviting him in. “Thank you,” he said softly, sidestepping you and taking his seat at your desk as he always did. The two of you had been seeing one another for a while now, nothing immensely serious, but you spent as much time as you could together. You liked how honest he was, how he was always genuine no matter if he were happy or upset. He seemed to like how you giggled often and teased him gently. You made each other happy.

Most of the time.

As much as you adored Hanzo and all that came with him, he could sometimes be . . . needy. Not clingy, but when he did come to you with that look of tired frustration on his face, you knew you were in for at least an hour of consoling. Which was fine! You could relate. But today? Today you were struggling, too.

Before you could kiss his cheek and suggest a cup of something warm he launched into a description of how his day had fallen apart. You did your best not to rub your thumping temples. A headache had been toying with you for hours.

Hanzo’s problems were bigger than yours – you knew that. He was surrounded by people for the first time in years, he was trying to rebuild his relationship with his brother, he was overcoming being raised by a brainwashing criminal empire, and so much more. It was a lot to bear, you knew that, but some days it felt as if you weren’t allowed to have your own inner battles.

But you shouldn’t think like that. Hanzo needed you right now. You could push your own petty bullshit aside. Again.

And so you sat, nodding along and reassuring Hanzo as he vented for the better part of an hour. He finally finished and you internally took a deep breath of thanks. You placed a quick peck on his head and murmured one last encouragement in his ear before picking up your phone. Three missed messages from Lena.

“Seriously,” you groaned.

“What is it,” Hanzo said with a relaxed stretch. His ease made you jealous.

“Nothing,” you lied, sliding the screen open and reading the texts

‘Hey lady! You’re still coming to hang right?’

‘Hon where you at?’

‘Really girl?! Just blowing us off?! What the hell? I told everyone you’d be here. You need to step up and act like you want to be here if you’re going to stay.’

You snapped. Did she think you were just tucked away wasting time? Did she think you weren’t trying? Did she not understand that you might be a little overwhelmed? And how dare she threaten to have you booted?! You were stepping up. Every day. Giving Overwatch your all. Every. Day.

“For fuck’s sake,” you screamed, throwing your phone into the mattress in a fit of fury. Hanzo jumped, instantly standing and putting a hand on your side.

“I hardly think your cell phone deserved that,” he said jokingly. You gave him a deadly glare and he shrunk away.

“Could you not patronize me and act like I’m overreacting after I just sat through you whining about how Zenyatta and Genji are ‘too close?’”

He frowned, looking taken aback. “I did not know discussing my day with you was considered ‘whining.’”

You rolled your eyes. “Hanzo, for the past few weeks you’ve only been coming to me when you’re pissed off, and, I’m sorry to say it, but that’s exhausting! I do my job, I push myself every day, and then I see a message from you either saying ‘Long day, will see you soon,’ or ‘Dreadful day, may I come see you?’ So I either spend another night without you or I sit and let you vent. I get that relationships are about working through things together, but that’s not what we do! It’s always just me taking on more than I can handle. When I’m in the ditch, falling apart, you’re either not here, or you’re going off on your own tirade. Then, when you’re done with your rant, you either go back to your bunk or try to drag me into bed. I feel like I’m just someone to unload on, mouth then dick! I can’t do it anymore! I’m tired of feeling like I’m being used. You, Overwatch, and now fucking Lena! I just can’t have anything else piled on top of me. It’s like I’m breaking in half and I just can’t – ”

All this time you had been pacing around the room, trembling and pulling at your hair. Sobs were violently crashing from your throat now, to the point that you felt dizzy. You nearly fell to the ground, but Hanzo was there just in time to lower you to your bed, kneeling in front of you and petting your arms gently. He cooed and whispered to you, but you couldn’t hear him through your frenzy.

“I feel like I’m gonna be sick,” you eventually choked out, shoving Hanzo aside and crawling to your tiny trash can, dry heaving until you collapsed by the wall.

“Hold on, beautiful, please, just hold on,” Hanzo said frantically, “I’ll find Dr. Ziegler.”

“No,” you whimpered grabbing his arm, “I don’t want her to see me like this. She’ll want to send me home, too.”

He looked conflicted, but he was soon helping you to sit up, arms around you and pressing soft kisses to your shoulder. You leaned into him once you had caught your breath.

“I’m sorry,” you huffed, taking his hand. “I didn’t mean that. I was just worked up. You’re not using me, I’m just being – ”

“You are right,” Hanzo said firmly. “I have been mistreating you. You are always there for me, and I do not reciprocate as well as I should. I should have seen that sooner.”

“No,” you protested, twisting further into him, “I could have said something sooner. I should have. Either way, snarling at you like that wasn’t right.”

“Please stop scolding yourself,” he said softly, “you reached your limit, and you had to let everything go lest you crumble. I understand. I only wish I had seen how much you were struggling sooner.”

A thin smile crossed your lips as you snorted sarcastically, “I am good at putting on a brave face, maybe too good.”

Hanzo shifted so he could cup your chin and look at you. Almost automatically you ducked your head in embarrassment. You were a mess, but he still swayed into your line of sight. “My lovely, lovely woman,” he murmured, “you give so much of yourself. It is one of the things I most adore about you, but I believe you have given us all too much. You have worked yourself to the point that nothing is left, and I am ashamed to say that I have clearly been greedy with you. The last thing I want is to be the reason you are neglecting yourself. You are constantly making sure I am taken care of, and yet I have not been doing the same. I am sorry, my dear.”

“I’m sorry that I – ” you began, but Hanzo’s thumb pressed against your lips, silencing you.

“No more apologies, at least not from you. Just let me take care of you for now.” He kissed your temple and stood before offering a hand to you. His hand stayed around your waist as he escorted you to your bed as if you were a rag doll, unable to stand on your own. Truth be told you felt a little like that, too. You had been exhausted enough before your outburst, but now your limbs felt twice as heavy.

Once you were tucked under your covers and had a glass of water by your side, you finally felt a bit more stable, but the guilt of having exploded at Hanzo was still bothering you. As he sat beside you and held your hand your heart began to ache. He was a good man who was still learning how to be with someone again, and you knew that. You were both getting used to a massive change in your lives, so hopefully, he could forgive you as you were forgiving him.

“Have you been sleeping well,” he asked meshing his fingers into yours. You shook your head, rubbing your face. “What about eating? Have you been relying too much on those prepackaged protein bars again?”

You flushed and bit your lip to keep from laughing. He knew you too well. “Maybe,” you admitted sheepishly. He scowled. “Hey, don’t give me that look! Not everyone is a morning person like you.”

He shook his head amusedly with a small smirk, “That does not excuse you from neglecting lunch and dinner.”

“Touché,” you conceded.

Hanzo got up and retrieved your tablet from the side table, offering it to you with an oddly stern look. You raised a brow, but took the device nonetheless. “I am going to fix you something substantial to eat,” he explained, “please stay in bed, do something distracting, something that makes you happy. I will be back as soon as I can.”

“Hon,” you said, “you don’t have to do that. I’m sure I’ll – ”

“I want to,” he insisted, pressing a kiss to the back of your hand before heading to the door.

“Wait,” you yelped at the last moment. Hanzo jolted and looked back to you worriedly.

“What is it?”

“If you see Lena, will you tell her I got sick or something? She wanted me to hang with her and the others and now is all kinds of bitchy that I didn’t show,” you sighed.

“Is she what set you off,” he asked, brow furrowed.

“Yeah,” you said leaning your back into the headboard, “she even threatened to have me kicked out.”

“Kicked out?”

“Of Overwatch.”

He let out a disgusted scoff and glared at the door. “I do not believe Miss Oxton has the right or the authority to do such a thing. She is just a cadet!”

“She still outranks us,” you shrugged. “I think.”

Hanzo pursed his lips and opened the door. “If I see her I will tell her you are not feeling well and remind her that this half-cocked organization can use all the help it can get.”

“No, Hanzo, don’t,” you tried to call out, but he was already gone. “Ho boy,” you chuckled, “those two already stare daggers at each other, and now I’m getting them extra riled up.” In the back of your mind, a tiny voice said, ‘Well, that’s what she gets for harping on you,’ but you tried to ignore it.

After an episode of your favorite old show, Hanzo was politely knocking on your door again, and you welcomed him back in.

He smiled as you set the tablet aside and beamed at him. You were feeling infinitely better after a bit of forced time to yourself. Plus, whatever he was carrying smelled phenomenal.

“It is good to see you with a light in your eyes again,” Hanzo said closing the door behind him.

“I haven’t felt this good weeks,” you said as you rubbed your neck. “Thank you for making me take care of myself.”

“My pleasure,” he said adjusting the bowl and napkin in his hand. You grinned.

“I thought eating in bed was quote, ‘One of the filthiest things a person can do,’” you said slightly teasingly.

“Very true. That is why I intend to change your sheets before I leave you for the night,” he said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“But of course,” you giggled, taking the bowl as he offered it to you. The warmth from the ceramic spread from your hands to your toes, wiping away much of your built up tension. “This looks magical,” you said inhaling the incredible scent.

“A simple gyudon,” he said cozying up to you, your arms pressed together.

“Gyudon?”

“I suppose you would call it a beef bowl. The dish has always made me feel as if my problems could be lessened.” He leaned in to peck you on the cheek saying, “Hopefully it tastes decent. I am no chef, and I have rarely had to cook for others.”

You took a bite and groaned, “Holy shit, Hanzo! You need to cook for me more often. Like a lot more often. This is fantastic.”

“I am glad to hear it,” he chuckled. “Though I imagine anything that is not an almond and honey granola bar would be a delight to you.”

“Har har,” you said elbowing him lightly.

“I ran into Winston on the way back,” Hanzo said, his voice dipping a bit and making him sound guilty.

“What happened,” you asked, slumping.

He cleared his throat and rubbed his chin. “The good news is Lena will not and cannot dismiss you from Overwatch.”

“And the bad news?”

“I may have been a bit more . . . aggressive than I needed to be while speaking with Winston.”

“Hazno,” you half squeaked, half laughed. Having him defend you was sweet, but it was easy for him to get too impassioned.

“As I understand it, Miss Oxton and her girlfriend had quite the squabble – she’s been fraying everyone’s nerves today. Winston said he would have a word with her and is giving you tomorrow off.”

“Just how much did you tell him?” There was still a part of you that was afraid to let the others see you so stressed.

“Probably more than would have liked, and I apologize for that, but someone had to tell him that you needed time to recover. I only did what I thought was best for your health,” he said, running his hand over your hair.

“I understand,” you nodded. “Thank you.”

“If there is one thing I ought to I understand, it is letting your pride and expectations of yourself get in the way of your personal well-being,” he grumbled honestly.

“You’re getting better, though,” you assured him.

“Hopefully you will, too.”

You finished your meal in record time and wriggled deeper into your bed contentedly, looping your arm in Hanzo’s. “Thank you for that. For everything.”

“I am simply happy for the chance to make up for my lackluster performance over the past few weeks,” he said lolling his head onto yours.

“Thank you for staying with me after my episode, too. I swear I didn’t mean to snap at you like that, it just happened. I really, really don’t want you to leave me, Hanzo. That’s not why I snapped at you, I snapped because I want you here more often. I just want us to be better. You usually make me so happy but . . .”

“But recently I have been ‘dropping the ball.’” You let out a small laugh. Hearing Hanzo use such casual colloquialisms in his ever refined tone always made you smile.

“We all get a little wrapped up sometimes,” you shrugged, “I understand. Just please don’t go.”

“I’m not going anywhere unless you wish me to,” he promised, “and I will try to be more mindful of your needs if you agree to be more vocal when you are feeling daunted.”

You nodded and smooched his tattooed bicep, “Deal.”

Hanzo took a deep breath and stroked your cheek, “No matter if you are at your best moment or your worst, you are always a remarkable woman, and I will always be thankful to have you by my side.”

“Aw, Hanzo,” you whimpered, holding him tighter, “you’re going to make me feel faint all over again if you keep talking like that! I’m obscenely lucky to have you, too.”

As you let the tension from your muscles slip away, Hanzo silently massaged your hand. Until he suddenly snickered.

“What are you laughing at,” you asked twisting to look at him.

“Nothing,” he said shaking his head, “I should not be amused by your outburst.”

“Amused?!” You had to admit, you were a little angry.

“Perhaps not ‘amused,’” Hanzo backtracked, “it is just – what was it that you said? About me unloading on you, mouth and dick?” He couldn’t stifle the entertained smile that was forming on his face.

“Oh,” you mumbled a bit awkwardly, “yeah I think that was it.” You went red and began to giggle. “Alright, you got me. When you say it out of context like that ‘unloading on me, mouth then dick’ does sound pretty ridiculous.”

Hanzo grinned and kissed your cheek. “Sounds like a bad porno, or maybe some online smut.”

You raised an eyebrow. “Is that so? Just what do you know about online smut?”

His eyes widened, and he winced. “Nothing!”

@collinssie @watch-your-grammer

[peppersbian]

March 22 2021

It's been a while since I've journaled. Mostly forgotten about it. Either I've been in a good enough state I feel I don't need it to bad enough I cry it out instead of doing something substantial. I'm trying to get in good habits. I've set it as a thing on habitica so I can get points out of it. I wish I had gotten back on it sooner, it's really been genuinely helpful the last few weeks.

I've been doing really well lately. It makes me nervous because I'm worried about when things are going to turn sour again. It's almsot hard to enjoy the good things that are happening, but I'm trying to be aware of myself and be like "this is a good thing chnage is happening".

I hate chnage, I always have. Lol I'll put off updating my phone because I hate it so much it's funny. But rn is a huge point of change and it's really stressful. I feel like I don't really have much agency I just have to go along with everything that's happening. Dad got me a grade ago on gift and I almsot had a panic attack over it. He got me an Apple Watch. I like it now, but it was so shocking and nerve racking when I got it I felt so sick and bad. I feel ungrateful and spoiled for saying that but that's how it was. Complete surprise expensive gift freaked me out.

I've gotten a few care packages as a senior from like my moms friends and it's p cool. Perks I guess.

Sometimes I feel smothered by the reality that I'll never experience Highschool romance or love or parties or friends like every one else in the world has. People crone and say ohhhhh you'll get it in college or ohhhh you're not missing out it's heartbreak. Fuck off. Fuck them. I hate that. Shit the fuck up. I hate you. Fuck. I can't even like articulate that and that's the whole reason I journal. Using words to express feelings and I can't express how it hurts to hear that. Those people that experience those things never have to deal with the idea of being perpetually inadequate, not having basic fucking life experiences. Being clueless and no social skills. Not being on the same level as your peers. Who gives a fuck about late bloomers and shit. People just take advantage of that, but by then I'll be an adult bd have worse consequences. "You'll be more mature" lmao fuck that. What's maturity if you have no experiences to learn from. "The wise learn from the fools" fuck you. Fuck you. I want to experience things for myself and not feel left out of everything all the time. I've got nothing and I have nothing.

I'm crying. I didn't mean to make myself cry over this. I didn't even mean to talk about that. Words just spill out. That's kinda the point. What I really came to talk about is still chnage but about the rp. I've descided to leave and even wrote out my goodbye shit but I still am so scared to go through with it. It's for the best but it's a hard step to take. Close the door forever, which is the point but it's hard to do that to something that's genuinely kept me alive this past year. It just hurts and causes me pain now. I kinda exhausted my word vomit from the last chunk lol so I guess I'll get into all my pain and suffering in detail in another journal. I'm not crying anymore. I'm gonna get my points from habitica. I set it so o get double points if I write in my physical journal which I haven't for like over a year. The physical journal is definetly better than tumblr but I just want to have the habit period.

This felt good.

[lilulo-12fanfiction]

Paladins Chapter 4

Author’s Note: Thank you for the follows and faves and reviews! I’m glad you’re enjoying it. Please forgive any spelling or grammar errors. I’m not having it beta’d and sometimes I miss some. Also- obviously not following the show to the tee. This chapter I kind of rearranged events because well it worked better for me this way. Enjoy! I promise to try to not have such a long period between chapters. I had the flu and was sick for a while on top of life getting in the way.

Cami deadpanned when she opened her door the next morning and Oliver was standing there holding coffee and what appeared to be breakfast. She walked away from the door without saying anything and he followed her in and kicked the door shut behind him.

“Cami-“ he started to speak but she held her hand up to stop him.

“Ollie we don’t have to do this okay?”

“Do what?”

“The song and dance where you beg me for forgiveness? Where I’m mad until you wear me down. I get it okay? We aren’t what we used to be. As much as we want to pretend that nothing changed in the 5 years you were gone. You’re hiding something. And for some reason you don’t want to tell me. Or feel like you can’t tell me. You don’t trust me anymore and that’s fine. But I cant do this. It hurts to know that you have this life that you’re shutting me out of and I have so much I’m dealing with. You just left me there yesterday, alone. You actually left and this is the first I’ve heard from you since.”

“I have no excuse for yesterday. We had a moment and it freaked me out a little bit. It opened up something that I haven’t been willing to accept because I’m a coward. There is so much that I want to tell you...I just...I can’t. You will never look at me the same. I’ll lose you for good and I cannot have you walk away from me.” She hadn’t seen him so upset before. She placed her hand on the side of his face. He was being sincere. She couldn’t stop herself. She leaned in and their lips touched for the briefest of moments and a pounding knock on her door jolted them apart. She walked back over to the door and barely had it open before Tommy barged in.

“He cut me off.” Was all he said as he pushed into the apartment.

“What?!”

“Our father- he cut off my inheritance. No warning.” Cami’s eyes went wide. She threw her bead back and groaned.

“I’m gonna go” Oliver stood. “Cam- can we get dinner tomorrow? Continue our conversation.” She nodded her head. He kissed her on the cheek and quickly exited the apartment.

A little while later she made the decision to follow Moira’s advice. She couldn’t take it anymore. She pulled her phone out and texted her assistant Romano while Tommy ranted. She had spoken to him last night about her plan. The two of them were close. He was like her life assistant. She decided to have Oliver followed. She had an idea of where he was spending his time after looking through the Queen Consolidated properties but she needed to be sure. She couldn’t stress the importance of not getting caught. She was positive John Diggle would not be gentle. Romano knew he couldn’t tell them anything if caught. She promised an amazing bonus if he caught a beating. She was confident that he would go unnoticed.

She let Tommy vent for a while longer and when he seemingly got it out of his system she was ready to interject. “Listen, Dad cutting you off like that was a real dick move. No arguments there. But at the same time you have to see why he did it. Tee, you have so much potential and because you’re more focused on making him pay for being a crap Dad to you, you’re wasting it. He should have talked to you first or at the very least warned you, something. But we will figure this out. You can stay with me until you figure out your next move.”

“I’m going to stay with Laurel” he admitted. She nodded not even slightly surprised. “But thank you for listening and thank you for the offer. I will figure this out. I was just pissed.” She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly. “No matter how pissed off I am at you I’m always here. No matter what. We stick together.”

He pulled back and gave her a skeptical look. “So uhh what’s going on with you and Oliver? There was some heavy sexual tension when I got her.” She gagged.

“Never say sexual tension to me again. Nothing is going on” Tommy gave her a pointed look. “Okay fine I have no idea what’s going on to be honest.”

“Well it’s about time something happened. I mean you’ve been in love with him since you were like 3 years old.”

“I take it back. You can’t stay here, ever. Get out” he laughed as she smacked him all the way out the door.

Oliver was working out in the bunker when John walked in. His mind was spinning about that morning.

“How’d it go?” He questioned. He was certain Cami chewed him up and spit him back out. John admired the fire that she had. He also loved that she had no issue with putting Oliver Queen in his place.

“Surprising actually.” Oliver walked towards John. “She didn’t yell. She was upset. Really upset and I feel like a fucking scum bag for making her feel that way. She thinks I don’t trust her or don’t care. Which couldn’t be further from the truth. I mean I wasn’t lying when I told her last night freaked me out a bit and that I’m a coward when it comes to her. I’ve always felt something for her. But she’s Tommy’s sister.”

“She’s also an adult Oliver. She’s a woman who is clearly torn up about you. She has feelings for you. I saw the look on her face when she ran out of that party. She was devastated. And not for nothing but isn’t Tommy dating Laurel now? I mean he really doesn’t have anything to say.”

“I can’t be with her and not be honest with her. She knows me too well. She knows I’m hiding something. I told her that I was afraid she’d walk away. That she wouldn’t be able to deal with it and that she’d never see me the same way again.”

“What was her response?”

“She kissed me. I mean it was the shortest kiss in the history of man. Tommy was banging on her door literally the second her lips touched mine.”

“But she kissed you.” John saw a genuine smile on Oliver’s face for the first time. “Look man- if you don’t tell her, if you don’t bring her into the fold in some capacity you will most definitely lose her. Friendship or otherwise. I’ve seen how she looks at you. The fact that she even let you in her house today. She’s not going to walk away.”

“That then leaves the issue of telling her puts her in danger. What if someone went after her? Do I have any business being with her?”

“Don’t you think that’s for her to decide? You need to let someone else besides me in. You need to have someone to confide in. I can’t begin to even pretend to know what happened in those 5 years. But you need someone you can be completely unfiltered with. She’s it. ”

“I’ll think about it. But for now we need to discuss this Paul guy.”

Cami was pacing in her apartment. Oliver had been with Frank Bertinelli and then left with his daughter Helena. She didn’t know if it was a date or what it was. She hated herself for being so put out by it. She had no right to be. They had barely kissed and he didn’t owe her anything. She wondered if that feeling would ever go away. But what superseded those feelings were ones of worry. She knew Bertinelli was a mobster bad had been trying to book Moira and Walter for as long as she remembered. She couldn’t begin to imagine what Oliver had gotten himself into. She had sent Romano home a few hours ago. She didn’t need to know the details of what was happening at that restaurant.

Instead her SUV was parked within walking distance to the abandoned Queen Consolidated building in the glades. Oliver had spent a good portion of his day there and then John had joined him. She figured she had time to get in and get out with Oliver not here. She was ready to confirm her suspicions.She slowly made her way through the rundown building. It was a perfect cover. Why would anyone come here? She didn’t find anything incriminating. There had to be either and upper or lower level. She was glad in black leggings and black knee high boots, a fitted black vneck and a black baseball cap pulled down to cover her her hair and sheild her face. She was searching the building inch by inch when she spotted a door but stopped in her tracks. She felt goosebumps and the hair on her body standing on end. Someone else was there. Her suspicions were confirmed when she heard the floor creek.

“Don’t take another step” a gruff voice came from whomever was behind her. She heard and arrow being pulled back. She rolled her eyes and raised her hands. “I’m not armed. You can put the bow and arrow down.”

“Don’t move” the command came again. She hadn’t expected to be caught. She let her intuition guide her next move like she had been taught by so many. Before the archer knew what hit him he was flat on his back with the wind knocked out of him after she had quickly dropped to a squat and spun her leg out. The heel of her boot was pressing into the hooded figures jugular.

“It’s not very nice to point a weapon at someone who tells you they’re not armed. Where are your manners?” She released her foot after making her point. As soon as he could breathe properly he stood up still shocked by what had happened but more shocked by who had done it.

“Cam.” Was all be said. She took the baseball cap off of her head. “Might as well drop your hood Oliver.”

“How did you know? How the hell did you figure out I was using the building.”

“You often forget who I am Oliver. One- I know you. I know when you’re lying. Two- we both know I’m way smater than you. No offense.” And three I’m a Merlyn. The resources I have are substantial and my name carries quite a bit of clout. You might be shocked to know I actually can be quite intimidating.” He sighed grabbed her by the arm and dragged her with him. He led her down to the bunker.

“Look what I found.” Cami wasn’t surprised to see John down in what seemed to be a bunker for Oliver’s extra curricular activities. “So who else did you tell?” He was angry. Cami scoffed.

“I told no one Oliver! And it’s really rich that YOU’RE mad right now! I should be furious with you!”

“I told you I needed time to open up.”

“About the Island Oliver. Not this. You never would have told me about this. Jesus. This is...I don’t know what this is. But this is what you thought would make me walk away from you? Because The Hood has killed people? Well those people were human garbage that the justice system couldn’t touch. Your methods may be extreme but you’ve made quite a difference.” Oliver was surprised.

“How did you know how to do that?” He finally spoke again. “What? Drop you on your ass? I told you my father had had me take all these fighting classes.”

“That was a little more than self-defense Cam.” She shrugged. “You know what my mother’s death did to him. You realize now I’m in right?”

“No. You’re not. I’m not letting you get hurt.” She rolled her eyes.

“I can take care of myself. And you don’t get to tell me what I can and cannot do. You need help.”

“I have John.” She rolled her eyes at him. “He’s not me. Again- I have resources that he doesn’t, that you don’t. Oliver- you need me.” She was pleasding. She couldn’t let him do this without her. He was going to get himself killed. “She’s right.” John finally spoke.

“NOT helping Diggle. I’m taking you home.” Cami snatched her arm away. “You’re a mysoginistic asshole. I can drive myself.” And with that she stormed out of the bunker. Oliver signed and sat down as he rubbed his forehead.

“Oliver” John made his way over to Oliver.

“Don’t Digg. It’s not up for discussion. I needdd you to have my back with her. Talk her out of this. I don’t need her getting killed in the crossfire.” John held his hands up and backed away leading Oliver to his thoughts.

[dejarooo]

“Fake it. Fake it until you make it.” She said, facing the class of mixed-age students. She was a senior in the time when I was just transitioning to the school as a freshman. Part of her final project was to give us underclassmen a bit of advice she picked up in her high-school experience.

Never did I think the words would become so prevalent, especially not almost 5 years after hearing them.

My life has had so many twists and turns. From transitioning to that new school, to the substantial amount of insecurities I would gain in the following years -- stemming from family, body issues and Creek niggas that tried to get the best of me. We’ll talk about all of those another time.

My senior year was my year. I considered myself a rose finally en fleurs, and finally viewed myself as the sunshine so many compared me to. I wasn’t letting anything or anybody get me down. I wasn’t letting niggas even get close enough to try! Frankly, I was sick of the bullshit. I was so tired of living for other people and I was ready to start doing me.

So, I did that. I twisted. I stopped people pleasing. I gained my own style, structure, and confidence. I built myself up and away from boys who didn’t want much more than to waste my time. By the time I graduated, I had most of my life laid out in front of me. I was working, doing something I loved. I had plans of a career, and was(/am) taking classes towards making those plans happen. I had full circles of friends. I met the absolute love of my life, and every weekend, I was out living my life. Without trying, I was happy. I was laughing, smiling. I was so full.

Then, the turns came. I honestly should have seen it coming. I have a beautiful life, and I thank God for it daily. However, there’s never been a complete bout of happiness where the devil hasn’t come and at least tried to stick his hand in the mix. My aunt says this happens to people of faith very often, and while I’m sometimes hesitant to listen to her, this was something she was right about.

I was no longer happy at my job, and I quit. Both of my best friends began to social distance long before the rona came. I don’t even blame them. I mean, shit’s hard out here. Also, apparently college is a.. thing? -- And before you say, “WE BEEN KNEW, SIS!”, it is ridiculously HARD! Stress and anxieties started running rampant in my mind. The women in my house have seriously been at one another’s throat. (Who would’ve thunk that extremely high levels of estrogen would be a BAD thing?) It’s been pretty bad, even to the point where I started to doubt the same confidence and passions I worked so hard to build in those last four, gruesome years of public school.

Today marks day 51 that I’ve been in the house, thanks to Miss Rona. Bored because I no longer have work, stressed because now I have school. I’ve never felt more caged in my life. What’s funny is: When I was a little girl, I absolutely loved spending whole ass summers in the house. I kept myself entertained! I’d read books, play games, and with my dolls and whatever else. But now that I’m a (legal, not mental) adult, it’s much harder. I honestly believe that even two summers ago, I would have been able to just sleep my summer away, and when I wanted to, I’d do a just few things to keep myself entertained and I’d be content. It was easy. I feel like it’s the fact that I had just started LIVING. Like, I was doing ALL THE THINGS. All the things I dreamed of doing in the high-school, but couldn’t because I wasn’t old enough or didn’t have the time to. I was no longer saying ‘no’ to going out or trying new things. I was going on mini adventures. It was like the moment I started living my life, it was taken away. It feels like I’m on punishment, and maybe that’s why my case of cabin fever is so terrible.

So, yeah. I’m a broke-ass college student that misses the outside, her boyfriend, friends and church. But, these long days in quarantine have made me realize something.

It could be much, much worst.

I once had someone tell me that they hate viewing their problems like that. They felt that it invalidates the problem, and puts a significance on other people’s problems vs. your own. But, I don’t see it that way at all. In fact, I think it may be one of the easiest ways to count all your blessings. I could be somewhere, homeless, and without my lovable, annoying ass family. I could just as easily be in poverty, struggling without the wisdom and help from the people I love most. Hell, I could have the rona. I could be pregnant and trying to support a family. At my age, that’s what my mama was doing. She had it hard as hell and broke her back trying to work and do school, and make ends meet all while being pregnant with my sister. I don’t have those problems, and, well, I wouldn’t exactly pray to. If I don’t like the way I’m being treated at a job, I don’t have to work it. I have so many options and it makes my future brighter than it’s ever been. The curve of the virus is flattening, when in reality, it could be hitting us much harder than it has been. When it’s all over, I can travel like crazy, I can see the world with the people I love. I can go on those mini-adventures again. I can hug again. I can live my life again.

But, for now, I’m quarantined in a warm house, with so much to do, so many hobbies to explore. All of my loved-ones, even the ones that have been a bit estranged since before the virus, have reached out to me. I’ve heard from family I haven’t seen, let alone, spoken to in years. From indoors, I’ve made new friends and even re-connected with some old ones. All my relationships grew in strength: platonic, romantic, and most importantly, the one I have with God.

The scariest thing is that I could just as easily be estranged from Him. I’m privileged enough to know Him more than I ever have my entire life. I’m privileged to have a computer and still attend virtual church, and have the room and space to take notes when it feels like a message is hand-made for me. He’s been there for me through the entire ride, and, I could just as simply be someone who considered myself far from him. I guess you could say I’m eternally lucky.

If you read this and asked yourself, “Is she finally getting to the point?” You’re right! I am.

Here’s what I’ve decided to do:

On the days where my anxiety is really hitting me, where I’m stressed and it feels like self-isolation and lockdowns have no end -- when I’m sad, or I feel trapped. I’m gonna give myself a moment to feel it. Let out every emotion, ground, do what I need to do to re-stabilize myself and re-center what’s most important. I’m gonna count every blessing I listed, and the bountiful ones I have pouring in. I’m gonna recognize that they’re never-ending, and God’s got me.

Then, I’m gonna fake it.

I’m gonna crank my music up as loud as my room can stand it, I’m gonna dance like an idiot. I’m gonna bake cookies, and make corny Tik-Toks. I’m gonna sing as if I’m not tone-deaf. I’m gonna look at memes. I’m gonna run around with my dogs, dive into a pile of my pillows and blankets, and really cherish that long stroll to the mailbox. I’m gonna worship God, and do everything in my power that would and could make me happy. I’m gonna smile and laugh until it physically hurts. If that happiness isn’t there, even for just a moment, I’m going to fake it until it is.

After feeling it all out, I’ll realize that it could be so much worst. I’ll realize that I’m lucky for every last thing, and person I have come across. And, if that doesn’t make me happy enough, I’ll have to fake that happiness for a little bit, at least until I make it there on my own. 

If COVID-19 has taught me anything at all, it’s how fragile life is. How easily it can be taken away, and taken for granted. With that being said, maybe we shouldn’t spend so much of this time being negative, or counting all those things that went wrong. Maybe we could spend that same energy counting the things that went right, every blessing we’ve encountered. Perhaps we could even spend some of that same energy faking it. Faking it until we get to the point where we don’t have to anymore. 

[gaysparklepires]

23. The Truth

I had a sense that I’d been asleep for a very long time—my body was stiff, like I hadn’t moved once through all that time, either. My mind was dazed and slow; strange, colorful dreams—dreams and nightmares—swirled dizzily around the inside of my head. They were so vivid. The horrible and the heavenly, all mixed together into a bizarre jumble. There was a sharp impatience and fear, both part of that frustrating dream where your feet can’t move fast enough. …And there were plenty of monsters, red-eyed fiends that were all the more ghastly for their genteel civility. The dream was still strong—I could even remember the names. But the strongest, clearest part of the dream was not the horror. It was the heartbreak.

The heartbreak of love lost, the heartbreak of leaving a new love, the heartbreak of old love found for only the briefest of moments. They all pulsed and burned in chaotic flashes. A part of me insisted it was all real while another part of me pushed it aside as nothing but fantastic imaginations. I struggled with it as my mind became more alert, focusing on reality. I couldn’t remember what day of the week it was, but I was sure school or work or even sweet Jacob waited for me. I inhaled deeply, preparing for another day.

Something cold touched my forehead with the softest pressure.

I squeezed my eyes more tightly shut. I was still dreaming, it seemed, and it felt abnormally real. I was so close to waking though. Any second now, and it would be gone.

But I realized that it felt too real, too real to be good for me. The stone arms I imagined wrapped around me were far too substantial. If I let this go any further, I’d be sorry for it later. With a frustrated sigh, I wrenched back my eyelids to dispel the illusion.

“Oh!” I gasped, and threw my fists over my eyes.

Well, clearly, I’d gone too far; it must have been a mistake to let my imagination get so out of hand. I should have gone straight to a doctor when I first started experiencing my hallucinations. I had ignored it—believed I could handle it on my own—and now my mind had snapped.

This was a major failure on my part. Had all those months of working past—well, trying to work past—this accomplished nothing? Maybe this was normal, a lapse in my rehabilitation.

I opened my eyes again—and Edward was still there, his beautiful face just inches away from mine.

“Did I frighten you?” His low voice was anxious.

I had to hand it to myself; whatever this was—delusion, vivid dream—it was very good. The face, the voice, the scent, everything was spot on. This handsome figment of my imagination watched my changing expressions with alarm. His irises were pitch-black, with bruise-like shadows under them. This surprised me; I would have thought I would have kept my hallucinatory Edward better fed.

I blinked twice, desperately trying to remember the last thing that I was sure was real. Alice was part of my dream and I wondered if she had really come back at all, or if that was just the preamble. I thought she’d returned the day I nearly downed….

“Oh, crap,” I croaked. My throat was thick with sleeping.

“What’s wrong, Beau?”

I frowned at him unhappily. His face was even more anxious than before.

“I’m dead, right?” I moaned. “I did drown. Crap, crap, crap! This is gonna kill Charlie.”

Edward frowned, too. “You’re not dead.”

“Then why am I not waking up?” I challenged, raising my eyebrows.

“You are awake, Beau.”

I shook my head. “Sure, sure. That’s what you want me to think. And then all this will be worse when I do wake up. If I wake up, which I won’t, because I’m dead. This is awful. Poor Charlie, and Mom… Oh god, and poor Jake…”  I trailed off in horror at what I had done.

“I can see where you might confuse me with a nightmare.” His short-lived smile was a grin. “But I can’t imagine what you would have done to wind up in hell. Did you commit many murders while I was away?”

I rolled my eyes. “None that I can recall, but who the hell knows anymore.”

He sighed.

My head was getting clearer. My eyes flickered away from his face for one second, to the dark, open window, and then back to him. I started to remember details… the reality was sinking in. I felt my stomach knot, and I felt a faint blush warm the skin over my cheekbones as I slowly realized that Edward was actually here with me, and not some dream or phantom hallucination.

“Did all of that really happen, then?” It was almost impossible to reassign my dream as reality. I couldn’t wrap my head around the concept.

“That depends.” Edward’s smile was still hard. “If you’re referring to us nearly being massacared in Italy, then, yes.”

“Oh god,” I exhaled. “I really went to Italy. I’ve never been farther east than Albuquerque.”

He rolled his eyes. “Maybe you should go back to sleep. You’re not coherent.”

“Oh, don’t talk down to me,” I glared. “I’m not tired anymore.” It was all becoming clear now. The reality had settled in and it was time to deal with it. “What time is it? How long have I been sleeping?”

“It’s just after one in the morning. So, about fourteen hours.”

I stretched as he spoke. I was so stiff.

“Charlie?” I asked.

Edward frowned. “Sleeping. You should probably know that I’m breaking the rules right now. Well, not technically, since he said I was never to walk through his door again, and I came in the window… But, still, the intent was clear.”

“Charlie banned you from the house?” I asked, feeling both incredulous and slightly amused.

His eyes were sad. “Did you expect anything else?”

On the one hand, I felt slightly sorry for Edward but I couldn’t fault Charlie for reacting in that way. He had every right to, really. I’m sure my disappearing didn’t help the situation at all. I briefly wondered if gently reminding Charlie that was over the legal age of adulthood would help my case any but I highly doubted it.

“What’s the story?” I asked, genuinely curious.

“What do you mean?”

“What do I tell Charlie? What’s my excuse for disappearing for… how long was I gone, anyway?” I tried to count the hours in my head.

“Just three days.”

“Oh, just three days.” I huffed.

His eyes tightened, but he smiled more naturally this time. “Actually, I was hoping you might have a good explanation. I’ve got nothing.”

I groaned. “Fabulous.”

“Well, maybe Alice will come up with something,” he offered, trying to comfort me.

And I was comforted, slightly. Alice would be able to think of something clever enough to possibly dissuade Charlie’s anger. I stared at Edward, thinking deeply. His face was so close it was glowing in the dim light from the numbers on my alarm clock. It was time to have that conversation I had been putting off. There was no avoiding it now.

“So,” I began, picking the least important—though still vitally interesting—question to start with. I didn’t think I could dive into this headfirst. “What have you been doing, up until three days ago?”

His face turned wary in an instant. “Nothing terribly exciting.”

“Of course not,” I mumbled.

“Why are you making that face?”

“Well…” I pursed my lips, considering my wording. “It’s been a long three days, and I’m not really in the mood for you to sidestep my questions.” I narrowed my eyes. “Because I do have a lot.”

He sighed. “I was… hunting.”

“Is that the best you can do?” I criticized. “That’s not much better.”

He hesitated, and then spoke slowly, choosing his words with care. “I wasn’t hunting for food… I was actually trying my hand at… tracking. I’m not very good at it.”

“What were you tracking?” I asked, intrigued.

“Nothing of consequence.” His words didn’t match his expression; he looked upset, uncomfortable.

“Sidestepping again.”

He hesitated; his face, shining with an odd green cast from the light of the clock, was torn.

“I—“ He took a deep breath. “I owe you an apology. No, of course I owe you that much, much more than that. But you have to know”—the words began to flow so fast, the way I remembered he spoke sometimes when he was agitated, that I really had to concentrate to catch them all—“that I had no idea. I didn’t realize the mess I was leaving behind. I thought it was safe for you here. So safe. I had no idea that Victor”—his lips curled back when he said the name—“would come back. I’ll admit, when I saw him that one time, I was paying more attention to James’s thoughts. But I just didn’t see that Victor had this kind of response in him. That he even had such a tie to James. I think I realize why no—Victor was so sure of James, the thought of James’s failure never occurred to Victor. It was that overconfidence that clouded his feelings about him—that kept me from seeing the depth of them, the bond there.

“Not that there’s any excuse for what I left you to face. When I heard what you told Alice—what she saw herself—when I realized you had to put your life in the hands of werewolves, immature, volatile, the worst thing out there besides Victor himself”—he shuddered and the gush of words halted for a short second. “Please know that I had no idea of any of this. I feel sick, sick to my core, even now, when I can see and feel you safe in my arms. I am the most miserable excuse for—“

“Stop,” I interrupted him. He stared at me with agonized eyes, and I tried to find the right words—the words that would free him from this imagined obligation. It was going to be more difficult than I thought it would be, I didn’t know where to begin. But I had to try.

I’d really been hoping to build the conversation up to this point, not dive headfirst into the heavy stuff.

I took a deep breath, and worked on keeping my tone even and my face smooth.

“Edward,” I said but my voice already wavered with all the emotions ready to break free. “First of all, before I get to my main point, I want to make it clear that the werewolves have kept me safe. I don’t want you lumping them in with Victor. They are strong and brave and they’ve lost everything just to keep everyone safe.” I couldn’t read his expression; his eyes were still pained but there was a touch of shocked incredulous in his face.

I continued, “And listen, this has to stop now. You can’t think about things that way. You can’t let this… this guilt… rule your life. You can’t take responsibility for things that happen to me here. This is my life. So, if I get struck by lightning or a tree falls on me or I crash my truck into an embankment, you have to realize that it’s not your job to take the blame. You can’t go running off to Italy because you feel bad that you didn’t save me. Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die—which I would never do—you have to understand it’s not your fault. I know it’s your… your nature to shoulder the blame for everything, but you really can’t let that make you go to such ridiculous extremes! It’s very selfish and irresponsible—think of Esme and Carlisle and—“

I was getting too worked up. I stopped to take a deep breath, hoping to calm myself. I had to set him free. I had to make sure this never happened again.

“Beauregard Michael Swan,” he whispered, the strangest expression crossing his face. He almost looked mad. “Do you believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me because I felt guilty?”

I could feel the blank comprehension on my face. “Didn’t you?”

“Feel guilty? Intensely so. More than you can comprehend.”

“Then… what are you saying? I don’t understand.”

“Beau, I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead,” he said, voice soft, eyes fierce. “Even if I’d had no hand in your death”— he shuddered as he whispered the last word—“ even if it wasn’t my fault, I would have gone to Italy. Obviously, I should have been more careful— I should have spoken to Alice directly, rather than accepting it secondhand from Rosalie. But, really, what was I supposed to think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral? What are the odds?

“The odds…,” he muttered then, distracted. His voice was so low I wasn’t sure I heard it right. “The odds are always stacked against us. Mistake after mistake. I’ll never criticize Romeo again.”

“Don’t bring him into this. I still don’t understand,” I said. “That’s my whole point. So what?”

“Excuse me?”

“So what if I was dead?”

He stared at me dubiously for a long moment before answering. “Don’t you remember anything I told you before?”

“I remember everything that you told me.” Including the words that had negated all the rest.

He brushed the tip of his cool finger against my lower lip. “Beau, you seem to be under a misapprehension.” He closed his eyes, shaking his head back and forth with half a smile on his beautiful face. It wasn’t a happy smile. “I thought I’d explained it clearly before. Beau, I can’t live in a world where you don’t exist.”

“I am…” My head swam as I looked for the appropriate word. “Confused.” That worked. I couldn’t make sense of what he was saying.

He stared deep into my eyes with his sincere, earnest gaze. “I’m a good liar, Beau, I have to be.”

I froze, my back stiffened.

He shook my shoulder, trying to loosen my rigid pose. “Let me finish! I’m a good liar, but still, for you to believe me so quickly.” He winced. “That was… excruciating.”

I waited, still frozen.

“When we were in the forest, when I was telling you goodbye—”

I didn’t allow myself to remember. I fought to keep myself in the present second only.

“You weren’t going to let go,” he whispered. “I could see that. I didn’t want to do it— it felt like it would kill me to do it— but I knew that if I couldn’t convince you that I didn’t love you anymore, it would just take you that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that, if you thought I’d moved on, so would you.”

“A clean break,” I whispered through unmoving lips.

“Exactly. But I never imagined it would be so easy to do! I thought it would be next to impossible— that you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant the seed of doubt in your head. I lied, and I’m so sorry— sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn’t protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it didn’t work. I’m sorry.

“But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I’ve told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me?”

I didn’t answer. I was too shocked to form a rational response.

“I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly believed that I didn’t want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous concept— as if there were any way that I could exist without needing you!”

I was still frozen. His words were incomprehensible, because they were impossible for me to reconcile.

He shook my shoulder again, not hard, but enough that my teeth rattled a little.

“Beau,” he sighed. “Really, what were you thinking!”

And so I started to cry. The emotions swelled and overflowed. Every frustration, every sadness, every anger, all exploding out of me.

“I was thinking that usually when a person says those things they only say it if they mean it!” I sobbed, “I was thinking that if you really loved me you wouldn’t say any of those things in the first place!”

He looked taken aback, he ran his finger across my cheek, wiping away my tears. “Beau, how can I put this so that you’ll believe me? I’m here, and I love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn’t want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy.”

I shook my head while the tears continued to pour out of me.

“You don’t believe me, do you?” his whispered, his face paler than his usual pale—I could see that even in the dim light. “Why can you believe the lie, but not the truth?”

“It never made sense for you to love me,” I explained, my voice breaking twice. “A human and a vampire, I mean, come on.”

His eyes narrowed, his jaw tightened.

“I’ll prove I love you,” he promised.

He caught my face securely between his iron hands, ignoring my struggles when I tried to turn my head away.

“Please don’t,” I whispered.

He stopped, his lips just half an inch from mine.

“Why not?” He demanded, sadly.

“When you leave again, it’s just going to make things that much harder.”

He pulled back an inch, to stare at my face.

“Yesterday, when I would touch you, you were so… hesitant, so careful, and yet still the same. I need to know why. Is it because I’m too late? Because I’ve hurt you too much? Because you have moved on, as I meant for you to? That would be… quite fair. I won’t contest your decision. So don’t try to spare my feelings, please— just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I’ve done to you. Can you?” he whispered.

“Are you serious?”

“Just answer it. Please.”

I stared at him darkly for a long moment.

I considered everything that had happened, everything that I had gone through. I considered every emotion, every feeling, every choice, every decision. I considered everything that had changed, and everything that had not.

“I do… Despite everything, I do still love you.”

“That’s all I needed to hear.”

His mouth was on mine then, and I couldn’t fight him. Not because he was so many thousand times stronger than me, but because my will crumbled the second out lips met. The kiss was not nearly as careful as others I remembered. It was full of longing and passion that had been yearning for release.

So I kissed him back, my heart pounding erratically in my chest while my breathe caught in my throat. My hands found their way up his chest, to the back of his head, and my fingers tangled in his hair. I could feel his marble body against every line of mine. His hands memorized my face, and, in the brief seconds when his lips were free, he whispered my name.

When I was starting to get dizzy, he pulled away, only to lay his ear against my heart.

I lay there, dazed, waiting for my heartbeats to slow and quiet.

“By the way,” he said in a casual tone. “I’m not leaving you.”

I didn’t say anything, and he seemed to hear skepticism in my silence.

He lifted his face to lock my gaze in his. “I’m not going anywhere. Not without you,” he added more seriously. “I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, happy, human life. I could see what I was doing to you—keeping you constantly on the edge of danger, taking you away from the world you belonged in, risking your life every moment I was with you. So I had to try. I had to do something, and it seemed like leaving was the only way. If I hadn’t thought you would be better off, I could have never made myself leave. I’m much too selfish. Only you could be more important than what I wanted… what I needed. What I want and need is to be with you, and I know I’ll never be strong enough to leave again. I have too many excuses to stay—thank heaven for that! It seems you can’t be safe, no matter how many miles I put between us.”

“Don’t you dare promise me anything,” I whispered. “don’t start talking like everything is fine again and you’ll never leave.”

Anger glinted metallic in his black eyes. “You think I’m lying to you now?”

“How would I know?” I shook my head, “You seemed like you meant everything you said when you left. How am I supposed to know if you’re lying or not.” He moved to speak, but I cut him off, “You could mean it… now. But what about tomorrow, when you think about all the reasons you left in the first place? Or next month, when Jasper takes a snap at me?”

He flinched.

I thought back over those last days of my life before he left me, tried to see them through the filter of what he was telling me now. Form that perspective, imagining that he’d left me while loving me, left me for me, his brooding and cold silences took on a different meaning. It didn’t excuse any of it, but added a layer to it all. “It isn’t as if you hadn’t thought the first decision through, is it?” I guessed. “You’ll end up doing what you think is right.”

“I’m not as strong as you give me credit for,” he said. “Right and wrong have ceased to mean much to me; I was coming back anyway. Before Royal told me the news, I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through a single hour. It was only a matter of time—and not much of it—before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back. I’d be happy to beg now, if you’d like that.”

I grimaced. “Be serious, please.”

“Oh, I am,” he insisted, glaring now. “Will you please try to hear what I’m telling you? Will you let me attempt to explain what you mean to me?”

He waited, studying my face as he spoke to make sure I was really listening.

“Before you, Beau, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars—points of light and reason. …And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.”

“Your eyes will adjust,” I mumbled.

“That’s just the problem—they can’t.”

I wanted to believe him. But how could I believe that these weren’t more lies? How could I be sure he wasn’t just an obnoxiously fickle vampire?

“What about your distractions?” I asked.

He laughed without a trace of humor. “Just part of the lie, love.”

“More lies.”

He sighed. “Beau, there was no distraction from the… the agony. My heart hasn’t beat in almost ninety years, but this was different. It was like my heart was gone—like I was hollow. Like I’d left everything that was inside me here with you.”

“That’s funny,” I muttered.

He arched an eyebrow. “Funny?”

“I meant, it’s funny you’d say that’s how you felt because that’s how I felt after you left. After you just disappeared without giving me a chance to really say goodbye. Just… empty.” I sighed.

He closed his eyes and laid his ear over my heart again. I let my cheek press against his hair, felt the texture of it on my skin.

“I’m so sorry, Beau.” The remorse was evident in his voice.

“Tracking wasn’t a distraction then?” I asked, curious, and also needing to distract myself. I didn’t know where this conversation was going, a small part of me was very much in danger of hoping. I wouldn’t be able to stop myself for long.

“No.” He sighed. “That was never a distraction. It was an obligation.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that, even though I never expected any danger from Victor, I wasn’t going to let him get away with… Well, like I said, I was horrible at it. I traced him as far as Texas, but then I followed a false lead down to Brazil—and really he came here.” He groaned. “I wasn’t even on the right continent! And all the while, worse than my worst fears—“

“You were hunting Victor?” My surprise came out full volume.

Charlie’s distant snores stuttered, and then picked up a regular rhythm again.

“Not well,” Edward answered, studying my outraged expression with a confused look. “But I’ll do better this time. He won’t be tainting perfectly good air by breathing in and out for much longer.”

“That is… out of the question,” I managed to control my volume this time. Insanity. Even he had Emmett or Jasper to help him. Even if he had Emmett and Jasper to help. It was bad enough to imagine Jacob standing across a small space from Victor’s vicious and feline figure. I couldn’t bear to picture Edward there, even if he was more durable than my half-human best friend?

“It’s too late for him.” Edward said suddenly.

I jumped, confused about who he was speaking about for a minute.

“For Victor?” I focused on what he was saying now.

“Indeed,” Edward continued, ���I might have let the other time slide, but not now, not after—“

I interrupted him again, trying to sound calm. “Didn’t you just promise you weren’t going to leave?’ I asked, trying to come up with a way to keep him from going after Victor. “That isn’t exactly compatible when an extended tracking expedition, is it?”

He frowned. A snarl began to build low in his chest. “I will keep my promise, Beau. But Victor”—the snarl became more pronounced—“is going to die. Soon.”

“Let’s not be hasty,” I said, trying to hide my panic. “Maybe he’s not coming back. Jake’s pack is pretty tough—they probably scared Victor off. There’s really no reason to go looking for him. Besides, I’ve got bigger problems than Victor.”

Edward’s eyes narrowed, but he nodded. “It’s true. The werewolves are a problem.”

My stomach dropped. “The pack is not a problem.” I countered sharply, “The pack is what kept me safe when you weren’t here to protect me.”

He looked guilty and slightly hurt, but I didn’t want to baby his feelings. I continued, “My problems have nothing to do with the wolves.”

Edward looked as if he were about to say something, and then thought better of it. His teeth clicked together, and he spoke through them. “Really?” he asked. “Then what would be your greatest problem? That would make Victor’s returning for you seem like such an inconsequential matter in comparison?”

“How about the second greatest?” I hedged.

“All right,” he agreed, suspicious.

I paused. I wasn’t sure I could say the name. “There are others who are coming to look for me,” I reminded him in a subdued whisper.

He sighed, but the reaction was not as strong as I would have imagined after his response to Victor.

“The Volturi are only the second greatest?”

“You don’t seem that upset about it,” I noted.

“Well, we have plenty of time to think it through. Time means something very different to them than it does to you, or even me. They count years the way you count days. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were thirty before you crossed their minds again,” he added lightly.

“And then what happens?” I asked in horror.

“You don’t have to be afraid,” he said, anxious as he watched the horror build in my face. “I won’t let them hurt you.”

“While you’re here, sure.”

He took my face between his two stone hands, holding it tightly while his midnight eyes glared into mine with the gravitational force of a black hole. “I will never leave you again.”

“But you said thirty,” I pointed out. “Are you really going to stay with me when I’m older?”

His eyes softened, while his mouth went hard. “That’s exactly what I’m going to do. What choice have I? I cannot be without you, but I will not destroy your soul.”

“Wait… what?” I tried to understand his logic. I remembered his face when Aro had almost begged him to consider making me immortal. The sick look there. Was this fixation with keeping me human really about my soul, or was it because he wasn’t sure that he wanted me around that long?

“Beau?” he asked, watching my eyes.

“Okay, so let’s refocus,” I finally said, “if you really plan on staying with me then what about when I get so old that people think I’m your father? Your grandfather?” My voice was pale with revulsion—I could see Gramp’s face again in the dream mirror. Why hadn’t I really spent more time thinking about all this? I suppose I had always been aware of it; I wasn’t sure if I wanted to become a vampire, but I would keep getting older and this would be the reality of this relationship if I stayed human. Why did it surprise me so much now?

His whole was face soft now. He brushed his lips across my cheek. “That doesn’t mean anything to me,” he breathed against my skin. “You will always be the most beautiful thing in my world. Of course…” He hesitated, flinching slightly. “If you outgrew me—if you wanted something more—I would understand that, Beau. I promise I wouldn’t stand in your way if you wanted to leave me.”

His eyes were liquid onyx and utterly sincere. He spoke as if he’d put endless amounts of though into this plan of his.

“You do realize I’ll die eventually, right?” I pointed out.

He’d thought about this part, too. “I’ll follow after as soon as I can.”

“Jesus, Edward… That is seriously sick.”

“Beau, it’s the only right way left—“

“No, no.” I held up my hands, cutting him off. “We’re not going to talk about that right now. Let’s back up for a minute,” I said, “You do remember the Volturi, right? What are we going to do? If I stay human forever, they’ll kill me. Even if they don’t think of me till I’m thirty do you really think they’ll forget?”

“No,” he answered slowly, shaking his head. “They won’t forget. But…”

“But?”

He grinned while I stared at him warily.

“I have a few plans.”

“Okay, sure, and these plans,” I said, “these plans all center around me staying human?”

He shrugged. “Naturally.” His tone was brusque, his face arrogant.

What I mess I had gotten myself into. I had always been back and forth on whether or not I wanted to become a vampire, but now because of the events in Italy I didn’t know if I truly had a choice in the matter. All this was of course contingent on if I was going to really take Edward back after all this.

I took a deep breath, squared my shoulders, I moved his arms away so that I could sit up.

“Do you want me to leave?” he asked, I could see that this idea hurt him, though he tried not to show it.

“No,” I told him. “But we need to go.”

He watched me suspiciously as I climbed out of the bed and fumbled around in my dark room, looking for my shoes.

“May I ask where you are going?” he asked.

“I’m going to your house,” I told him, still feeling around blindly. “I was hoping you’d be coming too.”

He got up and came to my side. “Here are your shoes. How did you plan to get there?”

“My truck?”

“That will probably wake Charlie,” he countered.

I sighed. “I know. But honestly, I’ll be grounded for the rest of my life as it is. How much more trouble can I really get in?”

“None. He’ll blame me, not you.”

“If you have a better idea, I’m all ears.”

“Stay here,” he suggested, but his expression wasn’t hopeful.

“No dice. But if you can go ahead and make yourself at home,” I encouraged, surprised by how natural my teasing sounded, and headed for the door.

He was there before me, blocking my way.

I frowned, and turned for the window. I wondered how badly I’d hurt myself if I dangled myself out of it.

“Okay,” he sighed. “I’ll give you a ride.”

“Good boy,” I smirked. “You should be there, anyway.”

“And why is that?”

“Because you’re extraordinarily opinionated, and I’ sure you’ll want a chance to air your views.”

“My views on which subject?” He asked through his teeth.

“This isn’t just about you anymore. You’re not the center of the universe, you know. If you’re going to bring the Volturi down on us with your plans and schemes, then your family ought to have a say.”

“A say in what?” he asked, each word distinct.

“Us. I’m putting it to a vote.”