#but well i've never liked advertising myself lol

[puppy-phum]

2022: a summary

Post your favourite or most popular edit from each month this year (it’s okay to skip months!)

tagged by krishna @i-got-the-feels ♥ thank you, thank you, thank you~

January

Popular - my tribute for the ending of bad buddy and my journey with patpran ♥ am happy ppl liked both the typography and the color scheme in this. 

Favorite - i started obsessing over lang leav’s poetry + patpran with this one. i love the blues and the middle images with the shattered yous all over. it was a pain to do but worth it.  

February

Popular - this one patpran edit that still makes rounds at times. it’s probably one of my most popular edits in general and i am very happy it is bc i adore it myself ♥

Favorite(s) - i am bad at choosing for this month so i have to mention both this bb edit bc i love the violet and the shots i chose, and this seanwhite edit bc the lang leav poem is Perfect and i think this one looks amazing. 

March

Popular - this very quickly made ptpran edit with the sun and moon quote from my country i had stuck in my head for ages. i never really thought that anyone would notice this but i guess we all were into the same symbolism?

Favorite - very very tough choice once again but i was very passionate about this danyok edit that i made while hoping praying begging that they would get a happy ending 

honorary mentions:  not me characters + problems x not me characters as seven deadly sins x

April

Popular - this seanwhite edit for the not me celebration was a pain to make bc i felt like nothing of it worked like i hoped it would but i did love the final result ♥

Favorite - watching dew the movie changed me somehow and making both the edit for that absolute piece of art of a movie was a true joy. i made those edits only for myself bc i had to get some of that feeling off my chest and the first one owns my heart. 

May

Popular - more lang leav with patpran. i adored this layout even if it, once again, was a huge pain to make 

Favorite - had a field day planning this whole edit bc i haven’t done anything with as much detail and meaning in a while. tried new things and was very satisfied with the outcome. also loved making something darker and more focused on symbolism. 

June

Popular - cheering at the fact that ppl felt as insane about the official vice versa trailer as i did! i have never felt that strongly about a starting show. vv really is just so special to me and this first edit feels so dear ♥

Favorite - of course it’s my pride month edit! i still return to this one at times, it was so much fun to make. 

July

Popular - we were all hoes for kinnporsche the series and especially vegaspete during the summer so am not at all surprised that my first (and for the longest time only) vegaspete set got a bit more popular heh

Favorite - this vv set for the trailer is my beloved bc the colors were good, the pics worked, th flowers looked good. i love the style of this one and it just makes me so emotional to even look at it. 

August

Popular - not blaming ppl for liking the fire yellow episode edit the most bc it is my favorite too (with soft blush and cloudy gray). also ep 6 is my favorite episode in vice versa so even more fitting. 

Favorite - i spent a huge amount of time researching the mbti types for this and had so much fun with it plus i loooove the pastel looks for all the pics. 

September

Popular - the cloudy gray episode edit is the one with most notes for this month which, once again, i do not blame anyone for! i personally love the b&w + pops of color look. 

Favorite - the fah + prince introduction edit i made for asianlgbtnet. i enjoyed making this one a lot even if i knew it wouldn’t get that much attention with sky in your heart never really... taking off... sadness ;;

October

Popular - the last vice versa episode edit! which always reminds me of the struggle with my laptop... noodle accident, you will forever be famous 

Favorite(s) - all of my bad buddy week entries! favorite character: pran parakul x favorite episode: episode 11 x favorite dynamic: pranwai x

November

Popular - the impromptu last twilight trailer edit i made bc that trailer really just stole my heart and soul. i still watch it occasonally just to feel something

Favorite - the lang leav + puentalay edit i finally managed to make. i planned this one for a long while and currently it’s one of my personal favorite edits of mine 

December

bc of traveling, the holidays, and me mostly just waiting for ppl to drop me prompts throughout this time, i only made two edits during december so mentioning both of them. 

vice versa x bad buddy parallels as flipped lives x 

puen babygirl x

i adore both and never expected either of them to be famous ♥

this was a cool look at all of the things i made last year. there have been quite many? i think october had the most with me finally surviving my laptop crisis and then just going wild :’D 

tagging: @oswlld @wanderlust-in-my-soul @ardentlytess @spicyvampire @liyazaki @dimpledpran @snimeat ♥ link me if you’ve already done this bc i think am kind of late...

[tubbytarchia]

We should support artists and help them recognize their worth but I'm honestly so tired of "Your colored and shaded art is worth more than 10 bucks" and "these prices are too low" etc. Kind of maddening to me that it's treated like a choice when most artists will never have the reach to charge "fairly" for their art on a consistent basis. This isn't a jab at anyone because most people saying this are well meaning and maybe accidentally tonedeaf at worst, but the only choice some people have is either earn a little bit of money or earn no money at all. Idk surely there's other ways to be supportive or tell someone that their art is worthwhile without insisting that they raise their prices. Where and what is the advice once the prices ARE raised as suggested and yet no money is made? Would the advice be to put prices back down? To just be persistent and be better at advertising yourself?

When I started out, I tried to price "fairly", with and without advice from fellow artists (who all suggested prices that never sold) and then just decreased those prices like 5 times because no one would commission me. I wasn't upset when an anon told me "I was surprised to see the prices!", but I am upset about all the "these prices seem too low..." I got years ago in retrospect. When I voiced that I couldn't charge any higher because otherwise I wouldn't get paid, I was often dismissed. And I couldn't help but note that by all the people who got commissioned at least regularly with good pay

I'm not personally too upset about my own commissioning situation anymore, I used to be, but after so many mental breakdowns of trying to earn any money that justified the time I spent on my art and failing miserably, I accepted that it just isn't even for me. (This is why I wouldn't ever want to work with a CC either lol I would kms. As a one-off maybe). I still offer it but with a lot of leniency towards myself, which I think warrants lower pricing and I'm not upset about it. Because who would've guessed, that doing a hobby you love as a line of work with inherent new pressures isn't always going to make you happy and can ruin the hobby for you instead! Wild.

My personal commission meltdown journey under cut, because I want to and I think it'll make me feel better

My awesome commission meltdown happened about a year ago, but boy I have been trudging for awhile. Maybe 5 or 6 years ago now, I used to have a friend, my former best friend, who struck gold. They got lucky. Their art was also fantastic, but ultimately they got lucky, because good art in itself never guarantees that you can earn buck from it. They created a closed species that quickly became very popular to the point that they could draw one design on a whim and easily get 50EUR minimum out of it. That's not even commission work, to get paid well for art that YOU want to make is an absolute dream but even less reliable for most artists than commission work. I created multiple species too with like 0.20EUR prices and followed all the advice my friend gave me. I advertised myself like hell which is something I've continued to do until a year ago with a 100% failure rate. For funsies, some specimens of the species I attempted to sell (I very much detached from my usual preferred monster designs too to try and have wider appeal and gimmicks)

(If anyone wants to "adopt" any Rosebuds (1st rose-like species) or Dumlins (2nd bird-like species) for free then you're very welcome to, I can send the full sheets lol. Only one of them ever got adopted. I'm over it but hey just in case there are any adoptable fanatics in here)

After a few years I think I gave up, didn't earn a dollar with any of them and moved over to commissions because that's way easier to get money for anyway, I thought. And I've done many commissions by now but with most costing 5-20EUR. Very few outliers got any tips (usually from friends) and very few people were willing to pay more to begin with. I think I've done just 2 artwork that I was paid 50 for and those are the only comms I've done above 20EUR, and I count myself very lucky for ever even getting that opportunity. Here's some examples of commissions I've done for 20 bucks or less

(To be clear, I'm not upset about any of these. Jk lol I'm forever bothered by one of them. The 1st one but I will spare the details)

I tried so desperately to advertise myself on Twitter, on Tumblr, on DA, on Reddit, on Discord servers... in the end I got like one commission that wasn't just from a friend or acquaintance , and I'm willing to bet at least a few "friend" commissions I've done were out of pity, and I wouldn't blame them because I was a desperate little teenager. I went through a whole furry arc where I went out of my way to draw furry art because everyone knows furries got the money. I was very open to nsfw art too for very low prices to help me build my portfolio further, and I was again full-throttle advertising every which way I knew how, trying to reach out there, and gained nothing for it

Meanwhile, I just felt like doing this little animation. This wretched thing. This fucking. This little piece of work that came from a place of love and now I want to cry thinking about what this thing did to me

This is a niche Yugioh monster that I animated dancing. Somehow, it got out of the Yugioh circle and popped the fuck off majorly on twitter. Nobody knew what the hell this thing is but they liked it. This shit got reposted on Tiktok, on Reddit, probably many other sites too with zero credit back to me, naturally, with hundreds of thousands of views, possibly millions, I would check if I could still find any of them. So that sucked but guess what else happened? Like 5 people DMed me about commissioning animation work from me. TO THIS DAY despite my twitter being now deleted, people every so often reach out to me about this. And because there was DEMAND I figured, I can ask fair prices. But I'd never been able to before so I still undersold myself A LOT. Fully fledged animation is hard goddamn work. But I accepted 3 commissions, and I made progress on all of them, and then I deleted my twitter. I left all of those people in the dark (I never took any of their money though!!! I never ask for money until my work is completed unless you buy through Kofi)

I just realized how fucking miserable it all made me and how much I didn't want to do this and what a piss poor motivator money is for me to do art for, in the comfort of my home. I love money, I sure would love to have more of it and not have to rely on minimum wage jobs that I dislike but god, all of that made me so deeply upset and with all those years of failure, I suddenly struck gold like my friend had all those years back, and I had so many people wanting to give me money for my work, and it felt like a fucking joke. I was honestly just so peeved and pissed off that this is what it took, and had a meltdown over it and I was also just in the worst place of my life at the time that I've never truly recovered from. All of this just added to how much I wished to be eaten by a wild animal on a daily basis at the time

I don't feel like I got ANYTHING out of all that. The money I got absolutely didn't justify the effort and time I put into commissions and all my self advertising and portfolio building ventures were a waste of time too. The only thing I've taken away from it is that I don't want to repeat that and I will probably never want to work a job doing art or animation even if it could pay more than minimum wage crap. My former friend has a successful Patreon, I've encountered dubs of their comics with millions of views on various platforms, their species even got ripped off by someone who just turned their species nsfw, lol. And I draw minecraft men kissing

I'm not happy but I'm not upset about it anymore, even if I still get majorly peeved by some artists who underplay their immense success whilst others are begging for crumbs. (Again they usually mean well but sometimes I do find these people genuinely dislikeable. Anyway). In a perfect world, artists wouldn't have to work their asses of to get grocery money and be so reliant on luck to pop off once and then never have to worry about it again. I'm sad this is what it took for me to realize it's not even for me, after all these years of negligible profit, and I'm sad I was ever led to believe that getting fair pay was possible without all the work I put into trying to get my art out there, only to eventually succeed via pure luck and then not earning a penny from it anyway. Please support and continue to support small artists. If you can, please tip them too. Share and support their work in other ways if you can't or don't want to pay!

With all that said though, I appreciate anyone who has commissioned me during my time in the MCYT fandom, that means so much to me that you like my art that much. And I'm really sorry for the few people I ended up refunding because I didn't feel up to their requests - that's what I mean by the leniency I give myself. If it ever comes close to stressing me out again, I'll just give it up in favor of my mental health haha. And I hope you guys understand. Thank you as well for anyone who's bought my MCYT merch, you are so awesome and I'm actually omw to earning some profit from it eventually which has made me happier than any other art related work I've done

and with THAT said, man NONE of you have used discounts that I've hidden in my text posts previously..!! I reinforce though that regardless, I'm open to haggling if you're tighter on money but want to get a little something. I love you regardless though and thanks for listening to my shit ted talk

[saphig-iawn]

Day 7 of Turning me into Me

I've done it. My dear sweet girlies, my shes, gays, theys, and whatever-the-hays, I've done it. I have gone 7 whole days sticking to my plan. On November 12th I saw my face without a beard for the first time in 11 years and while my mask of masculinity was gone I still didn't like what I saw. I chose that day to be the worst I would ever feel about myself and made a decision to put the future me into production, rather than wait for HRT to do it all for me. I was inspired by a trans friend of mine who went through a similar journey to get surgery and she just told me so bluntly how easy it'd be. So I did.

And here I am, a whole week of walking every day, a whole week of not eating when I'm bored, a whole week of no sugar drinks (sorry monster). I am the happiest I have ever been. My head is so full of the things I'd wear, the makeup I'd try, the ways I can enjoy my body (also tbh I am really excited about the clothes holy FUCK). It was as easy as my friend said, "just don't do it, lol" were literally the words out of her mouth. I even took my first selfie that I liked.

But these aren't the only reasons why I'm still going. It is everyone who has come by and seen me talking about my journey and have shown me support. I've had DMs, Asks, RBs all telling me how they found my writing at the right time, and also at the wrong time and giving them something to think about. The fact that little old me could be a single part of someone's journey into their true self is just.. it.. it makes this so much better and so much more worthwhile.

You see, I used to be in a big discord server that belonged to a streamer. Over time it became harder to remain there. I wasn't out at the time but had so many girlies who were and they fought so well when laddish bigotry and cishet male-ry would bubble up and ruin people's day. But then one particularly bad night would result in blatant transphobia being slung in the chat and despite so many girlies calling it out, it was normalised by the server owner. I was DMing the girlies about how it just fucking sucked and that I wanted to do something but I was so scared and so tired and they sympathised with me. But I had had enough and thus turned my coming out into a weapon. I wanted them to know that their words hurt so many more people than they think; the silent queers that sit and see bigotry become commonplace in a space that has been advertised as safe, the questioning girls-to-be and boys-to-be seeing people write off their feelings under Devil's Advocacy. I told them they weren't allies, there was no support, and I was coming out and they better fucking pack it in. But when the culture is entrenched, even something like that doesn't change much. But my coming out caused a ripple, and I did see the names of people I had never interacted with before show love, and I knew that it was enough for them. I hope that me, setting myself ablaze in that server and leaving from the ashes, was enough for those names I saw.

A big thank you to everyone who has said hello, got in touch, or even just liked. I have such a deep and unshakeable love for you.

[kafus]

if you ever feel up to it, i'd love to hear how you got the mew. hearing stories about people and their pokemon is really fun.

SOMEONE TOOK THE BAIT LET'S GOOO i wanted to talk about thisSDFFDKS

anyway i got my hadou mew through basically a miracle encounter - back in 2020 i was buying a lot of older pokemon games to fill holes in my collection, either games i never owned or games that i lost over the years from childhood, and as for my missing gen 3 games, i ended up going for japanese copies of firered and sapphire instead of english because having foreign carts is neat but mostly they're just a lot cheaper. buying secondhand pokemon games is always fun because often times the seller doesn't wipe or even check the save file and especially if the save file has a lot of playtime, they're like time capsules from a stranger right. so both games come in and the sapphire has nothing interesting but i'm perusing the boxes of this firered and uhhh

LMAO my initial reaction says it all, i literally just found this thing on a completely random firered cart i bought! it was not advertised to have mew in it on the ebay listing, in fact the seller i bought from sells a LOT of imported japanese pokemon games (and other gba titles) so i imagine he just has a pile of these and he picked out a random one to mail me without so much as checking what was on it.

of course mythical pokemon on gen 3 carts are dubious, it's not like it's particularly hard to gameshark a mythical pokemon, especially considering that i've gotten a secondhand file before with shit like a box full of Deoxys caught at level 2 on the first route in hoenn LOL... so i was pretty serious about checking for legality on this thing as best i could - backed up the save file and inspected it in pkhex, all data was 100% accurate to the event and also reasonable RNG wise, like normal random IVs and stuff... checked for archived versions of this event mew, none of them were identical to online injectable ones, which means the owner couldn't have downloaded and injected it... and most of all, context clues

here's ancient pictures of this mew traded to my english leafgreen so it's readable for everyone - i had not done anything with this mew yet so it's completely untouched from how i found it here. we can tell from looking at this that whoever owned this mew was training it with the exp share as its still holding it and is level 23 despite being met at level 10, and the moveset... solarbeam, mega punch, dragon claw?? very random moveset that i can only imagine a child using. this mew looks like it was played with by its owner legitimately. additionally not shown here, the firered cart had a lot of playtime and like 2/3 of the dex complete, the boxes were full of pokemon that the owner had been breeding and a few unhatched eggs, like i hatched one and it was a completely normal eevee so they may have been getting extra eevees for pokedex purposes etc.

basically i cannot 100% confirm this mew was obtained legitimately without teleporting back in time and getting that japanese movie preorder bonus myself, but there is literally nothing strange about this mew and the save file it comes from is well loved and appeared to be played by a child doing normal pokemon stuff. so for all intents and purposes, this mew is definitely legit to me. actually insane happenstance. i have never gotten anything this crazy from a secondhand file before

think of it this way. some japanese kid in 2005 preorders a pokemon movie > he goes to the store to redeem it for a mew in person. in 2005. in japan. > he plays with the mew a bit > at some point he stops playing pokemon > he sells the game to some random american seller after never wiping the save or removing the mew > the american seller buys jp pokemon games in bulk to resell on ebay so he has a ton of them and probably doesn't check them for what's on them or the old save files > when i order it from this random ebay listing, the american seller picks a random fire red cartridge out of his bulk stash and mails it to me > it ends up in my hands 15 years later after the kid first got this mew

like holy shit it's a small fucking world huh

another old convo from the RM discord because i'm nostalgic about it, i had just started talking here at the time... i'm gonna be honest the ribbon master challenge and the people i met through it genuinely changed my life and this mew came into my life at the perfect time so it means a lot to me on top of being insanely cool

anyways i went on about that longer than necessary but yeah bless my mew i love him

[floralegia]

4, 19, 27, 29 for the writing ask game! 💜💖

EEEEE thank you!!

4. How many WIPs do you have right now?

OH GREAT SO YOU'RE COMING FOR MY HEAD RIGHT FROM THE START

Well, I counted 29 for this post, but as I noted there that doesn't include the plot bunnies chilling in my ideas doc (aka The List™) or either of the two bingo cards I currently have out, which between them have I want to say 32 prompts? So, you know. :'''')

19. Give us a small teaser from one of your WIPs.

There's important stuff being said, probably, but the only thought Pete's brain is capable of processing right now is this one: Oh my God, he's such a fucking DILF.

Well, okay, that's not exactly true, because as soon as that thought slides through his psyche, it butts right up against the answering one that shouts Patrick! That fucking DILF is fucking PATRICK!, and then he gets sort of stuck in that loop for a little while, until at last the DILF thing overpowers the shrieking confusion of the fact that up until a couple of minutes ago, he'd only known Patrick Stump as a sort of sweaty, scowl-y, angel-voiced teenager, and the whole thing starts over again with the urge to drool dramatically over the glasses and the beard and the fucking build of him, Jesus fucking Christ.

Suffice to say, it's been a challenging few minutes.

27. Is there a fic you were nervous to post/share? Why?

There have been a couple of notable ones in recent memory, one that I won't name because I ended up posting it on a sock account and then this one. In both cases, I was essentially scared of being harassed over the content of the fics; the unnamed fic contains a couple of noncon scenes, and obviously the linked fic is Waycest, lol. Both have been received pretty well so far (touch wood), so, I mean, I'm definitely building up confidence, I think? I very strongly believe in the idea of writing whatever and who cares what people think, but also I am very small and very frightened lol. It's a whole thing.

29. Share a bit from a fic you’ll never post OR from a scene that was cut from an already posted fic. (If you don’t have either, just share a random fic idea you have that you don’t plan on getting to.)

Random fic idea, under the cut because it's a bit long: P2 RHPS AU feat. Bandom At Large!

Due to watching the video of Patrick's performance of "I Can Make You A Man" for the 2020 RHPS charity livestream--which, oh my God, by the way--I was struck by the idea of a Rocky Horror AU. To be clear, I don't mean an AU based on the movie the Rocky Horror Picture Show, I mean an AU about the boys putting on the Rocky Horror Picture show. So really, I suppose, it's a college community theater AU of some kind, but it's focused around RHPS. Not that I've been involved in a production myself, other than at CTY, I suppose, but having done community theater generally and attended RHPS productions, I think I can make a fair attempt.

So, anyway. Pete is running the thing--whole thing is his idea, he's the director, etc. I feel like this is likely not the first year, and in fact Pete likely inherited the production from an upperclassman. But they had a lot of people graduate last year, and they're having trouble backfilling those roles, so in addition to directing he's reprising his role as Rocky. They're advertising hard for musicians, too, because Pete--being a go big or go home kind of guy--ALSO wants to perform with a live band this year and do a proper Rocky Horror Show production, rather than perform in front of the film as they've typically done. That's how Patrick gets involved: he shows up to inquire about playing in the pit, because he's always trying to pick up odd musical jobs here and there to pay for school, and in true Fall Out Boy fashion he ends up singing a little bit and Pete's like, wait, no, holy fuck, sing this, throws the book at him, Patrick sings a bit of one of Frank's lines, and that's all she wrote. They've been having a particular amount of trouble casting Frank, and Pete decides Patrick is perfect for the role, which kind of baffles everyone else, especially Patrick, but Pete's like... distractingly pretty, so against his own better judgement Patrick agrees.

Beyond that, I'm not sure what the actual, like, plot would be. I think Patrick has a passing familiarity with RHPS but definitely not intimate knowledge, so partially he has to get up to speed. Partially, too, he has to overcome his stage fright and particularly his aversion to appearing on stage in front of a bunch of strangers while wearing sexy outfits and doing a lot of slutty slutty things, so there's that, but idk if that's a "plot" per se. There's also the implication/background of the production being sort of scrappy, but I don't know that that's a "plot" either, really. Hmmm.

Well, in the meantime, other notes that I had in my head include Gabe Saporta as Brad because I think that's really funny given his everything; Joe and Andy are definitely involved, I think with Joe playing Meatloaf and Andy drumming, or maybe Andy's Meatloaf and Joe is Riff Raff???? General DCD2/bandom cast... Uhhh, Ray should definitely be in the band/pit, Hayley Williams and Gerard are Magenta and Columbia (not sure which is which--I like Gerard as a sexy maid, so maybe he's Magenta???), and then that leaves, what, the criminologist??? Oh, and Janet, obviously. Maybe Greta from the Hush Sound is Janet? Or Vicky-T, that would make a lot of sense. Frank is either in the pit or he's the stage manager or something. Or crew. He kind of has insane stage crew energy. Mikey is... there. Possibly pit as well. Possibly just hanging around and the joke is everyone's always like, Mikey what the fuck are you doing here???? and he just shrugs and the answer is that he tends to get dragged into things Gerard's involved in and this is no different, but really he's just hanging around.

[old-school-butch]

here is my second anon, on same-sex attraction and the fuckery i've experienced around it in the trans community. i wonder if any ex-TRAs and TIFs will recognize this, or if it's only me who managed such a convoluted mental somersault? also, please forgive me for venting in your inbox, i have no better place. but alas.

i thought myself a gay man for 10-ish years. and yet i had... very clear sexual attraction towards women, clear enough that i've genderswapped 80% of my fictional male crushes so they would have breasts and vaginas, while still considering them "men" because i kept their he/him pronouns. seeing females as men allowed me to tell myself i was only attracted to males. i think a mix of biphobia and lesbophobia, stirred into gender-think. i was only allowed to love women if they were actually "men". because it was ok to love men.

i had crushes on girls as a teen and i'd always feel gross and predatory when i shared the locker rooms with them. i remember so badly wanting to sneak looks at my crushes but doing all i could not to. bc i "knew" that it was wrong. however i never developed into accepting this same-sex attraction as normal, because i got swept up in genderism, and became a "man" and... all my attraction towards women suddenly felt EVEN MORE predatory and violating. i swept it away as male gaze, objectification, leering, still predatory. etcetera etcetera. genuinely did all i could to suppress/explain away my obsession with female bodies. i centered my male attraction, and as the trans movement is very male-centered to begin with it was only encouraged. people (straight females) calling themselves f*gs left and right. every time i started thinking about breasts (i'm boob obsessed for real) or having sex with women i pushed it down as male depravity. i also thought me wanting to fuck women had been conditioned into me by advertising. like, yes, of course everyone wants to have sex with women bc they are trained by society to want this :)) logical. this totally happens to all female people. oh you love the smell of pussy? advertising taught you this. -_-

obviously as a TIF, i felt somehow that male identity and pronouns was a prerequisite to be fully human/be the way i was inside. misogynistic as fuck. it seems i felt this for other women, too. you told me i'd feel the weight of the harm i'd done along the way, when i sent the first anon; this is a heavy one. having viewed women and myself this way for so long. and having written off my same-sex attraction (i salivate when i see bare chested women lol) because, well, i'm a "man" and i violate them with my eyes.

the power dynamic between TIFs is funny/tragic too. ssa ones being treated as if they're straight males and culpable for everything those do. osa ones being the ones with more social capital. bisexual ones centering males bc well, the whole movement shits on women and you don't wanna be "straight" or bi ending up in a "straight" relationship. a lesbian TIF just enters a world in which her attraction (which she's likely felt predatory for her whole life already) is REINFORCED as bad. because now she's a straight man. and when a real heterosexual male is not accessible to shit on, she will be the target of the "gay" ones. god, the trans community is such a complicated type of homophobia...

i feel so good now to be out of it. i've been butch my whole life, i had a buzzcut since i was 14, up until my 20s. tomboyish always. now i have a long braid, and i considered cutting it off when i peaked, but i can't bring myself to do it. i miss my breasts very much and my braid is a body part as well, one that i can still hold on to. i can't let it go. it means something to me, i suppose, symbolically. but i don't feel like i'm a man anymore, and my attraction towards women is not to blame for their oppression. it is so liberating. i no longer feel like i'm degrading or harming women by being attracted to them. and most of my friends who dropped me were osa TIFs, binary and nonbinary... they have a lot to lose if they should give up that identity. they'd get booted out the "queer" community, lose the oppression they built their identity on. it's weird looking back at them. ah, i ramble so much, but thank you, even if you don't end up posting this, for having a space open here to go to. it feels so valuable, and it helps to read others anons.

Oh, I've definitely read wilder somersaults. It's amazing how confusing it is when reality is upside down. A lesbian becomes a gay man, or a straight man depending on the identity of the women she's attracted to. All nonsense, but I do wonder if it allows people to contemplate relationships they had rejected previously. Like, if you're a straight man who decides he's a lesbian but then meets another TIM then you're supposed to also include him, or women might have idealized views that relationships with men might not be so bad if you can escape 'being the girl'. Women, according to the stats, are the most likely to twist ourselves into these pretzels, of course, female socialization at work. So, we must forgive ourselves and each other for our roles in all this.

I'm glad things are working out well for you. There are times when I feel isolated being gender critical, but then I remember the headache-inducing mental repression I had to endure to make myself believe all this and I feel much more free and real.

[eerna]

Hello! This is incredibly random, but as a fanartist, enjoyer of critically examining media, and critic of capitalist corporations (*cough* Disney), do you have any thoughts about fan art being a form of unpaid labour?

Context is I’m writing an essay about digital labour and how fan creation is basically kind of like free PR for big corporations… and now whenever I do fanart I can’t get that thought out of my head uGH. I want to believe that drawing fanart is my own form of creative expression and way of showing love for the media, but at the same time I’m like “am I being exploited???” since I’m helping advertise smth for free and these corporations are just capitalizing on my love for said media??? and I can’t reconcile these thoughts 🥲🫠

Also I’m struggling with the essay LOL my eventual conclusion is that we as fans do have agency but we kind of still are being exploited… so it’s not a very optimistic outlook haha. Doesn’t help that the scholars’ articles I’m reading are all very negative about this digital labour thing. Help.

Sorry if this is unexpectedly deep!! 😅 just really curious to hear a fellow fanartist’s thoughts, and I respect you a lot for being unafraid to criticize media 🙏🙏

Hi! First of thank you for your kind words~ Second off, what a cool concept to discuss. Your message is pretty much how I feel. It is very frustrating to remember that so much of the media I love is so closely tied to the harmful cycle of capitalism. I grew up in a country that didn't have access to merch or much in the way of official media so piracy was my go-to most of the time. This means I was introduced to the concept of consumerist aspects of fandom via the Internet as a teenager and started feeling bad about "not supporting" stuff I love, but I told myself "Well I pay back by doing fanart and talking about it online". And then I found out about the way capitalism shapes the media landscape and started feeling bad for playing into it, the same as you. It gets even more conflicting when I am talking about something I dislike made by a company I dislike - yeah, I am probably preventing some people from interacting with the media for themselves, but I am also probably making others interested. What makes me feel better about the entire thing is that the "digital labour" I do is that I'm doing it for other fans like me, and to express myself. I love things so much that it makes me feel like I am going to explode, but pouring it out onto paper helps with it! Of course, I don't have to post it online for it to be worthwhile, but sharing it with others who feel the way I do makes the feelings even better. BUT one of the most important aspects of the issue is how willing those companies are to let me gain something monetary from the relationship. Are they ignoring fanworks being sold as fan merch, as commissions? It is illegal, but I feel like it should absolutely be allowed as a sort of unmentioned perk of being a fan worker, and the companies that don't allow that are evil. My audience gets bigger, I sell more prints, and so do they. (This is also why I never accept money for fanworks made by small creators, such as webcomics)

There's also the fact that lately I've been seeing the rise of "If you REALLY love this piece of media, it is your DUTY to consume it as much as possible and spread the word about it as much as possible and make the company as much money as possible if you want to see more things like it!" takes. These are utter bullshit and where enjoyment of media goes to die. The moment you reduce your love for something only to how much money it can make the evil capitalist overlords who allowed it to grace your eyes, you completely deny any kind of artistic worth. Media should exist because we deserve to have our hearts touched by stories, not because it makes someone money.

I don't have a clear answer or feel like my approach to the issue goes entirely along with my morality. But I don't think we can find a way to feel good about the entire situation as long as our media is dictated by capitalism. It's the sad reality of loving something in a system that will squeeze any money out of you that it can. But we gotta march on, remember that we are the ones allowing them to survive and not the other way around, and love while we do it. Good luck with your essay, stay positive!

[typingatlightspeed]

TF2 Fanfic - Vacation, All I Ever Wanted REMASTERED - Darlings

It's done! And here, as promised, is the content I cut from the fic, aside from small wording changes and such. This is everything of actual substance, if you get me. I had to kill a few darlings, but I made sure to keep them, as I often do. So here are the darlings! These scenes are no longer canon, but they're still worth a read. Some details (like how Pyro dies from asphyxiation rather than actual burns) will probably be reestablished in another fic tho, since I like that lol.

Ao3 Link!

---------

The foot traffic in and out of the convention centre was busy, people coming and going at all times throughout the day. Weaving in and out of the crowd, Medic and Miss Pauling stopped for a moment's respite after finally making it out the doors. Many hours of shopping, panels, and workshops later, neither was willing to add any more time or weight to the bags on their shoulders, calling their day at the Symposium a success.

"You two there! You seem like the sort of folks who might need the services of an experienced mercenary!" a voice called over the din. Medic and Miss Pauling looked about, confused, before looking down to see a fair-skinned man who stood barely over three feet in height, with a head of messy red curls, and a pair of spectacles perched over his bright green eyes. His ears came to short points, and a greatsword was strapped across his back. His grin was bright as the sun as he pulled a business card from the inside pocket of his coat.

"Any pesky sorcerers horning in on your turf? Wizards trying to co-opt your research and squeeze you out of the credit? Magi of any sort making trouble for you and yours? I've got decades of experience fighting practitioners of magic for both fun and profit. For a modest-and-negotiable fee, myself and Arcanoclast here," he jerked a thumb at the blade on his back, "will sort out any eldritch exterminations you need handled. I work non-lethally as well, even non-violently, in case liability is a concern. A beautiful lady such as yourself should never have to dirty her hands, so let me do it for you," the halfling said with a rakish grin, offering the card to Miss Pauling.

"I dirty my hands just fine, thank you," the exhausted diviner replied with a sigh, ducking past the mercenary and charging off into the crowd.

Medic gave the chatty little man a shrug and a wave, and continued after his employer, jogging a bit to catch up. "Was was that?"

"Mercs who specialize in the supernatural love these conventions, but only the bigger companies can get booth space to advertise, so the loners and independent groups like to hang around outside the entrances and exits to crowd-bark," Miss Pauling explained, shaking her head.

"I am surprised BLU hasn't taken the opportunity to advertise, then," Medic chuckled. "Considering how supernatural we have become over the past year or so."

"BLU doesn't advertise," Miss Pauling replied. "We're not exactly doing jobs outside the Gravel War."

"Aheh, fair enough, I suppose."

"I'm just lucky that guy didn't recognize me; he'd talk our ears off."

"You know him?"

"He interviewed for Scout's position a few years ago when we were putting the teams together. Didn't get the job obviously."

"It is almost too bad," Medic mused with a laugh, "Heavy loves red-heads."

*

Scout moaned with delight, his lips messy, drops threatening to roll off of his chin. His eyes rolled closed as he savoured the flavour in his mouth. He'd never had a burger so good in his life. He huddled over his plate at the picnic table, humming his enjoyment as he swallowed and took another bite.

"Bloody 'ell, Scout, it's a burger," Sniper grumbled around the rim of his cup of beer.

Swallowing another bite, Scout looked up from his meal, "It's the best goddamn burger I ever had, Snipes, holy shit."

"Thank ya kindly," Engineer called from behind the grill, waving his tongs in appreciation. He wore an apron that had 'Thank Louis Camille Maillard' printed on its bib, and held a beer in his other hand.

"I am loath to say it, but few things do compare to a grill when preparing American foods," Spy added, having sliced his burger in half to make eating it a bit less fiddly. "And bringing a cast-iron pan outside to caramelize the onions was, perhaps, inspired."

"It's so good I'm gonna fuckin' die," Scout rejoined, scrubbing grease from his chin with the back of his wrist.

"Honestly I'd figured ye for more 'o a hot dog man yerself," Demoman teased, miming fellatio.

Heavy chuckled at this. "Scout enjoys lots of meat," the giant said, raising an eyebrow and lightly elbowing his lover beside him, making him almost choke on the last of his burger.

"Well there's plenty meat where that came from!" Engineer called from the grill. It had almost sounded like the joke had flown over his head, but for the man leveling a pointed look to Scout before returning to his work, piling a hotdog and a few ears of corn onto the plate of a waiting Pyro.

"You better keep your word on that!" Scout called over with a broad grin and a lewd gesture.

*

Jane swallowed thickly, feeling it all unravel in his hands. "We can't fix this, can we?"

"I dinnae think so," Tavish confirmed. "Between all that, and all this," he gestured to Jane in general, to the man he now knew to be undead, "I dinnae ken if we can trust like that. Tae make a go of it as anythin' more'n mates. I dinnae ken if that bell can be un-rung."

"So that's it, then? It's over?"

"Aye," Tavish sighed heavily, his hands shaking as he gripped the ratty, come-stained sheet of the bed they'd shared. "Last night was a lovely end tae it, though. I prefer that tae another war."

Jane sighed wistfully. That was very true. At least they'd had one last night where they could pretend it was old times, where they could pretend this mess could be salvaged. "You said we can't be anything more than mates. Does that mean we can still be friends?"

A small smile pulled at Tavish's lips. In spite of it all, Jane was still Jane. And he was quite fond of Jane. "I wouldnae have it any other way. Might be a first step tae makin' peace with all this, maybe."

"Good." Jane ached, inside and out. His muscles and joints were all tense, and his eyes were sore with tears that he could not allow to come. His gut was twisted up in knots, and his heart lay in a shattered heap within his ribcage. He'd known this was coming. Hoped against hope that it wouldn't, and was grateful that it was less vicious, less hurtful than he'd feared. But it was bound to happen. Didn't make it hurt any less. He let out a shaky breath.

"Oi," Tavish caught Jane's attention, drawing him out of his thoughts as he tapped a cigarette out of his pack and brought it to his lips, making a grabbing motion at the other man with his free hand.

Jane tossed him the book of matches and watched him light up, already lamenting the lips that held that cigarette.

Tavish took a drag and exhaled slowly, trying to calm himself down. "Look, let's get out o' here, aye? Go get us some breakfast 'fore they stop servin' it for the day. I ken a diner down the street."

"Okay."

*

"Wait wait, so back up. Now what is all yer team, exactly?" Tavish slurped at his coffee, holding up a hand to slow down his friend's story. "I'm gettin' lost, here."

"I am a dullahan—" "Glad we cleared that up," the bomber interrupted with a smirk.

"Scout a faun, Pyro is a djinni..."

"The kind that grant wishes?"

"If your wish is to hear the sappiest cutesy-talk ever with him and Engie, maybe," Jane laughed, poking at the hash on his plate with a fork. The two of them occupied a corner booth in the diner, their voices low enough to not cause too much of a ruckus as Tavish attempted to wrap his head around his friend's actual life. "Also he's made of fire."

"Made o' fire?"

"Not actual fire, I don't think. He doesn't burn things by touching them, he has to do that the old fashioned way still. But he isn't hurt by fire and can change his shape a little. Engie says he spreads out across surfaces when he's overwhelmed, like when they're screwing around."

"But he's died tae our Pyro before," Tavish countered, gesturing with his half-full coffee cup.

"Pyro says it's asphyxiation that actually does it, not the fire itself."

"Huh."

"Right?"

"Makes some sense I suppose, the fire eatin' up all the air in his mask and suit."

"That's what he told me."

"Alright so go on, what about the others?"

"Sniper is human. Engineer's human too, but our boss says if he keeps replacing parts of himself with robotic ones he'll end up being reclassified as a cyborg and end up with a bunch of rules and restrictions to match."

"Fair play I suppose."

"Spy is a kitsune, which some kind of Japanese fox fairy shapeshifter. He has three tails."

"Explainin' why he cannae be yer Scout's da, then."

"Yes. Our Spy is not actually French. Also our Scout knew his dad before he died."

"Fair play. Keep goin', then."

"Or Demoman is a werewolf." "That's what he is? Bloody hell, that howlin' we been hearin' every so often is him, then?"

"Either him or Sniper underneath him," Jane snorted.

Tavish nearly choked on his coffee. "Away with ye! Bullshite, there's nae way!"

"They're dating, but Demo being a werewolf is what got them started," Jane explained with a chuckle. "Sniper is an absolute size queen. Only one bigger is Medic."

"Oh?"

"Medic's a garuda; he messed up a spell and ended up turning himself into that. But Heavy is why I say Medic's a size queen. He's half-jotun. Frost giant."

"Half-jotun?"

"On his father's side."

"As in, his da was a frost giant?"

"Yes."

"God bless his mum."

"They had four children together." "And the woman's still alive?"

"Should be asking that about the Doc too. He figured out a spell that turns Heavy into a full-on jotun." Jane sipped his coffee. "Mostly uses it for sex. The first time was the worst; Doc screamed so loud nobody on base got a wink of sleep that night."

"...come tae think of it, one night we caught wind o' screams and roars across the field. I thought it might be a hauntin' at first. Then Engie broke out a listenin' device and told us it sounded like yer Heavy and Medic shaggin'."

"He was right," the dullahan confirmed, chuckling around another sip.

"Bloody hell." Tavish stuffed the final bite of his sausage into his mouth and chewed, swallowing as a thought occurred to him. "Ye ken, we might owe 'em thanks."

"Because we were exhausted on the field the next day?"

"Nae, we were knackered too, and I'll tell ye why: we didnae get any sleep for screamin' and shaggin too."

"What?" "After Engie broke that news, our Doc and Heavy got real quiet, real awkward. They'd been best mates since day one, but everyone sorta knew there was chemistry there. Apparently they'd not acted on it, but it was absolutely there. Turns out hearin' their doubles havin' what sounded like a legendary shag all the way across the field got the gears turnin'. Doc told me about it later at the weekly session with Engie—"

"Session?" "Cans with the lads," the bomber clarified, "anyway, turns out on the way back tae their quarters later on, Heavy stops Doc in the hallway, flat out asks him if he wants to see if he can make him scream the way BLU Heavy can make their doctor scream. Doc says yes, and they finally resolve all the bloody sexual tension we been dealin' with for over two years." He laughed and finished the last sip of his coffee. "Dinnae think they got to quite the volume of your doc takin' prick bigger 'round than his arm, but the good doctor was nae slouch. Not a one of us got a wink of sleep that night, and Scout didn't stop havin' a moan about it for days. Those two make a right sweet couple though. 'M happy for 'em."

"Ours too."

Feeling the conversation thread reach its end, Tavish shifted topics. "So did yer team ken ye were a dullahan from the start?"

"No. I hid it from them too. Even from the boss ladies. Until Scout walked in on me changing heads."

"Changin' heads?"

"Yes. Like I said, they go bad, so I have to change them every few days. It's why I keep spare heads after work."

"And he saw ye...headless?"

"Yes."

"What was that like?"

"He was mostly curious. Immediately figured out my neck is an erogenous zone. He was the first person I ever...without a head..."

Tavish smiled softly, leaning back in his booth seat. It was a ghoulish thought, and he tried not to picture the faun riding a headless corpse. Instead, he took in the warm sparkle in Jane's eyes. It had been another one of those things the bomber had thought he'd noticed about Jane, but chalked it up to imagining things. But now, he felt himself far more sure. "So, ye and yer Scout?"

"What about us?"

"Ye said yer shaggin'."

"He's screwing everyone on the team," Jane replied, matter-of-factly.

"And he was the one who found ye out and was all intae it."

"...he's into most things."

"And when ye just told me all that ye looked like a smitten bloody schoolboy," the bomber teased.

Jane dodged that, "He has two boyfriends already. He is dating our Heavy and our Medic."

"That's nae surprising," Tavish chuckled, leaning forward conspiratorially. "Remember, though I shun the supernatural, I know an infuriatin' amount about it. D'ye ken what a 'revel' is, Janey?"

"No."

"Fauns and satyrs tend tae be polyamorous. Lots o' partners, both sexual and romantic. They tend tae organize 'emselves intae big polycules and polyfidelities called revels."

"Polyfid—"

"A polyfidelity is like a big relationship where everyone in it is datin' every other person in it, and nobody outside. Some of 'em can get sizable, too."

"Sounds half-like what our team's doing anyway," Jane snorted.

"'s what I mean, Janey. Yer Demoman and Sniper are datin'. Engineer and Pyro are datin'. Heavy and Medic are datin' and datin' Scout. Everyone's shaggin' Scout regardless o' who they're in a relationship with. Yer all halfway tae a revel already."

"Why do you bring that up?"

"What I'm tryin' tae tell ye, ye daft arse, is I'm willin' tae bet cold, hard cash that yer Scout is pinin' for ye same as he was for Heavy and Medic. And from the look on yer face when ye talk about him, I think yer doin' the same for him."

"We just broke up and you're trying to set me up with someone?"

"Yer me mate, and I want ye tae be happy. With somebody who can love ye as ye are. Somebody ye trust."

Jane turned that thought over in his mind for a little bit, before a smile began to cross his face. "You really think so?"

"Listen, mate, let's finish up and I'll give ye a ride tae the airport. Ye can probably catch the next flight out tae yer Engie's neck o' the woods and make it tae that party o' yers."

"You're sure?"

"Jane Doe, I want ye tae get tae that party and tell that boy how ye feel and be happy for bloody once in yer unlife! Seize the day, lad!"

Jane shot to his feet, slamming his hands down on the table, sending the dishes to rattling loudly in the restaurant, drawing all eyes to him. "CARPE CANUM!"

"No, that's nae what—," Tavish sighed and waved to the waitress with an apologetic look, "er, can we get the check?"

*

The smell of frying bacon attracted yet another straggler as Sniper plodded slowly, sorely, into the kitchen, his usual sweats hanging off of his narrow hips as he rubbed at one bleary eye. He entered with a yawn, throwing up his other hand in greeting as he met the rest of the team, mostly assembled and chowing down. Engineer finished plating up the last two servings of breakfast, ambling over to hand one to the lanky assassin. A messy-looking sandwich of bacon, ham, over-easy eggs, and hash piled between the split halves of a croissant sat on the plate, drizzled with what looked and smelled like a bechamel sauce, heavy on the nutmeg.

"Croque Ingénieur," Spy supplied, sipping a mimosa at the breakfast table. "Quite delightful, might I add."

"Thank ya kindly," Engineer replied to the rogue, and grinned as Sniper took his meal, bringing his own plate to the table and taking a seat.

"Dig in, Stretch! Coffee's ready over there, sugar's next to it, 'n there's cream in the fridge."

"Thanks mate, but you know I take it black," Sniper replied as he headed over for a cuppa.

"That ye certainly do!" Demoman cackled with a waggle of his eyebrows, much to the eye rolls of the rest of the team.

"You Irish that coffee up already?" Scout asked, giving the Scot's mug a sniff.

"I recall Dell sayin' today was the absolute bender portion o' the weekend so it seemed only appropriate tae do me part in such festivities," Demoman leaned into Scout's face so they were nose to nose, "ye absolute tattletale." He kissed the faun's nose and sat back up, laughing as he took another sip of his coffee.

"Be nice, Pup, and pace yourself. I'll not 'ave you off your tits before the day's even 'alfway over." Sniper set his plate on the counter and began eating there, leaning against it.

"So speakin' a how you take it, is that why you ain't sittin' down to eat?" Scout asked with a wide grin.

"Maybe," the bushman admitted around a mouthful of sandwich.

Scout turned to Demoman and high-fived him.

[vampireacademysims]

Well, I guess it's time to address the situation... or the lack of situation lol This is gonna be long, be warned. There's a TL;RD at the end if you wanna skip the wall of text. To start, thank you to the two anons who took the time to read the comic and prod me about it and the new people who started following this tumblr in spite of the Hiatus warning. Altho this place has been collecting dust for more than a year now, I'm still around, updating my side reblogs tumblr, so it's not like I dropped from the face of the earth.

The truth is, at this moment in time, I've feel out of love with making this comic. It was always a lot of work due to me being a perfectionist. I never used any extra rendering apps, all you've seen here is raw sims images and a lot of work on Photoshop, so much so it gave me a muscle contracture on my right shoulder (because I did all my work in bed with my laptop/drawing tablet in my lap. I never said I was a smart person lol) that still flares up from time to time because I learned nothing. Then the VA fandom was already quite small by the time I started doing this in 2015 and I never really advertised this in the fandom anyway. I always got the impression most of the fandom didn't like the OG comics as it was and most of the people that followed the comic were sims 2 fans because, well, it's made with the sims and the images were pretty (forever holding in my heart the people you said this <;3) The recent "Vampire Academy" TV series (it was just in names, honestly) was the final nail in the coffin of my motivation. After information had leaked I was already disappointed in it, but after actually watching it, yeah no. Only plus to it was the surprise to see it was partially filmed in my country, in places where I have been myself. And lastly, and probably most importantly, I struggle with motivation a lot. It happens to us all, I am sure. It's no secret that I hated to panel, if I'd start all over again I'd just post the big images like many of you telling stories are doing now, it'd be less of a stress for me, but alas, I can't change formats now. And I said many times I was doing it mostly for myself, because I did love the comics based on the books, but doing it for yourself only gets you so far until you get bored. And I got bored. I'm actually surprised my hyper-focus on it lasted for as long as it did. I haven't been to Photoshop for editing - I used to make photomanipulations and other kinds of editing - for way over a year, so it's not only the comic that stopped.

I still have 7 pages to end chapter 6 in various degrees of editing, Veninorchid and Esotheria-sims have seen them, so they exist lol I will eventually finish editing them - it's mostly a Romitri flashback - and post them. But after that, I will have to decide how to proceed. Spending less time editing would help, but lowering the quality of my pages, the only thing people like about it, really doesn't sit well with me, because yeah, perfectionist.

So at the very least the remaining pages will be posted in early 2024, I might go back to it slowly, a little bit everyday so I don't burn out or put stress on my shoulder. But after that, it's up in the air. It's not like I've been staring at the walls during this time, I had other things taking my goldfish-like attention. I got interested in home bookbinding, which made me dig out old unfinished stories I once started and I've been trying to finish them and later try to bind them, because why the fuck not lol And on my reblogs tumblr I had this set of pictures about a Regency little story that people really loved and I'd like to add to it, but then again, all the editing it'd need *cries* I feel tugged in so many directions I fear I'll end up doing nothing lol

So the TL;DR is, I got bored with the comic because it was too much work and resulted in physical pain, I lacked the motivation and other things got my attention meanwhile. Chapter 6 will be be finished eventually, but after that it's up in the air. Cross my fingers that I get my mojo back while editing those pages. Still, a thank you to all of followed and are still following, sorry these were not the good news you wanted to read just because I made a post. You support up until now was what kept me going in the past, I can't thank you all enough.

[nukenai]

Extremely stressed about having all my money stolen so I'm in a bad mood.

Not to be gossipy or anything (irl friends follow me here lol), but. This is a big vent post.

Over the con weekend I learned that my unemployed-since-January roommate has been lying to people about why he has no job (says he quit because he didn't Feel Like working there - he was actually fired in January for being bad at his job. Nothing to be ashamed of but very weird to lie about), and has been flirty and physically affectionate with female friends (who are engaged), who keep having to enforce boundaries, while not telling them that he is in a long term relationship. Huh. Interesting. He's also been telling lies about me (saying I don't do enough shit around the house, and other stuff like complaining when I'm fixing things in the house and he is trying to sleep in the middle of the afternoon) while I have to twist his arm to get him to pay fucking rent and his half of the bills. I get the money eventually but it's always "after my next UIB check" - except he also went to the fucking convention over the weekend, which usually is not something you do if you're struggling to pay bills? I continually tell him that if he's having issues paying for stuff, to LET ME KNOW and we can work things out. But it's always "i'm good because of my UIB checks" until I actually need the money. I've offered to let him do stuff like yardwork to take off of rent, but he doesn't ever want to because of allergies and it's hot out and his back hurts. Funny shit to say to a chronically ill person handling everything herself.

Also had additional confirmation that when Zero died, he was making it entirely about himself to his friends, acting like Zero was his dog as well and he felt like he "had everything taken from him" when he died. He apparently also refers to Sammie as "OUR" dog, when he is MY fucking dog (he sees him twice a week max for like 5 minutes and has nothing to do with his care, aside from very occasionally letting him out when I'm out of the house - like once every 3 months), and is also referring to my cat Stella as if she is HIS cat. He hasn't even cleaned the litter box once. For the record - I do not expect anyone else to take care of my animals, because they are mine. I take care of them myself. But I do not appreciate people hanging out with my animals all day and pretending they belong to them when I am the one caring for and paying for them.

Technically, most of this is hearsay, but from his pattern of behaviors (constantly talking shit about friends' significant others, every single ex girlfriend being a "crazy abusive bitch", acting like putting on a purchased costume of a licensed character and being in the local paper makes him a Famous Cosplayer, working for a local advertiser paper and saying he's a journalist when he has terrible spelling and grammar, etc), it's not at all surprising and I 100% believe it. This friend of his I was talking to, the engaged person he was being flirty with all weekend, became a friend of mine before she moved away. There was an instance last year where he wanted her to go to a convention with him, and she said she could not go because she had a school thing. He decided to stalk her social medias while he was at the con, and saw she was "just with friends", and messaged me to let me know that she was "a fucking liar" and gave me all the details. I told him to fuck off because he started implying I needed to stop talking to/being friends with her, and it was weird of him to "check up" on her for not wanting to go to a fucking convention. I'd bet money he was weirdly pressuring her to go when they had known each other for like 2 weeks and she felt like she had to make up an excuse. This woman has been nothing but incredibly kind to me, and I will never forget the look on her face yesterday when I said "[roommate]'s girlfriend" and her eyes went wide and she said, "Oh, he's seeing someone? He hasn't mentioned that." He's been seeing her since like last November and has been in consistent contact with this friend.

Since I don't have any Actual Physical Facts to confirm my suspicions of what's going on, I can really only wait for like one more annoying inconvenience before doing anything. I feel like he doesn't say anything to my face because he knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on. He complains about having to empty the fucking dishwasher a couple times a week. That was the only chore I asked him to cover consistently while not having a job, besides taking out the weekly garbage. He's also constantly leaving the kitchen a mess, and apparently lying to his friends that I'M the one leaving the kitchen a mess!

I don't want to kick him out. We've been friends for over a decade. I know deep down he is a good guy. But he's a 32 year old adult man acting like an absolute fucking child because he's never had a responsibility in his life. I don't take his word for anything anymore and write off every single complaint he has about other people. In the past month he has - multiple times - tried to mansplain animal care and behavior to me, like implying I was very wrong to think Oersted could have gotten into the basement when he escaped, because "snakes don't like being on the ground"??????????

He has a lot of growing up to do and I refuse to be taken advantage of anymore. His rent money is extremely helpful to me, but he's in for a rude fucking awakening if he thinks I'm such a huge pain in the ass for giving him one chore that interrupts his 17 daily hours of Nintendo 64 and Youtube time. I haven't told him but he has a deadline for getting his shit together; I'm dealing with a lot of legal shit with the house right now and if he doesn't shape up by the time it's all settled, he's getting an ultimatum. I've been too lenient with him for too long because I like to be good to my friends who I fucking care about.

Can you imagine if I had kicked him out back in May or whenever it was, when I heard him loudly talking on the phone with his girlfriend about how I have "too much shit", I don't clean the house enough, and he wishes I would spend time doing housework instead of "going to Pokemon Go raids or whatever" after working 40 hours a week? While he was unemployed and couldn't even pick up a fucking vacuum?

He apologized for that, but literally only because he got caught. The fucking nerve of mediocre men. I am extremely stressed due to having all my money stolen and he can only give me $200 of rent. But he was able to go to a convention just fine.

At the convention, I was told, surprise! He was going to come home in my car when he went down with someone else. And he had like 4 fucking suitcases worth of stuff, when I was already driving our other friend home. Usually, not a huge deal. On top of everything else? Holy shit.

I consider myself a very patient, understanding, and kind person, but god's love has fucking limits. And I don't fucking like liars.

[fracturedporcelaindoll]

Dear diary,

Is self awareness really so grand?

I feel it's both a blessing and a curse, for you are aware of actions that may result in possible outcomes as well as gain a better insight to yourself but at the same time the saying of ignorance is bliss is true as well in that you'll have less worries as you wouldn't additional be overthinking nor contemplating all the realizations that come with being self aware or gaining more self awareness~

Like as an example the realizations that I'll never get my hair platinum blonde it's just naturally too dark that the dye will not have that effect. But moreover the fact that I love princess aesthetic hair, the voluminous cascading curls but naturally my hair is very fine and straight with a slim slight wave to it~

The additional information that perms do more damage to hair and the fact that if had curls I'd have to use comb or tease out the tangles not exactly thrilling experience- flash back to comb being used for tangles as child- so painful~

The struggle with sticking to diet is progressively harder and why because of this idolized notion of normal... is it normal to have 3 meals a day, eat what you like that's reasonably healthy and still not gain excessive weight?~ maybe for the lucky few that have fast metabolisms or great genes but for average individuals no....~

It just adds more stress cause why can't you be like everyone else? Oh the irony~

I need to lose the weight I've gained and I could regret the decision to have that pizza that was given as promintial advertising but no because that was the most delicious pizza ever...~

Claimed to be traditional Italian and I can say it was certainly so... in a world of over done lack luster and oily pizzas this was the best...~

The secret to good pizza is not just the dough or crust its everything~

The crust was perfect, the sauce was spicy without being overly so and the taste of herbs was appreciated, the cheese... never have I had such mouth watering delicious cheese and the pepperoni crispy flavorful without being excessively oily~

Dieting is hard for various reasons, yes some due to literally feeling hungry.. don't you just wish could naturally reduce appetite by more force of will or thinking not so easily achieved~

Then emotional aspects, period cravings and stressful days or something as simple wanting to snack while watching a movie..~

The late night snacks have always been one of harder ones for me to resistant indulging in~

I don't like my face maybe if I had cosmetic surgery, double eyelids, cute button nose, big doe eyes or nice cheekbones than I'd like my face but nope don't like it as it is~

I considered getting a furry aesthetic mask because the ability to craft doll like aspects blended with realism of creatures is admirable and beautiful to me as an art~

Although I am not a furry myself or have much interest in exploring such realms but do admire the art of craftsmanship to make such elaborate masks~

I realized that would draw more attention and while I may already be considered weird for my aesthetic tastes fashion related I don't need more attention so the usual of sunglasses paired with face mask is probably the most practical way to go about covering up~

My only issue with face masks is it makes drinking impossible since have to remove mask and then the stuffiness, flogging up glasses and walking into stuff will happen lol~

Maybe I'll start saving up for a total makeover~

[theoriginalladya]

Hello! Your Caleb Shepard has inspired me to make the last push to get in touch with my Irish heritage, but I don’t know where to start. I definitely want to learn Gaelic.

Hello! Oh, what a lovely compliment and wow, how exciting!!!! Thank you!! I will admit, Caleb has become very dear to my heart and I have used him to learn a lot of things Irish that I never would have otherwise!

I'll be honest up front: I do not know Gaelic myself. That's one of those things on my 'to do' list that I probably should bump up to the top. Most of what I use in my stories come from a lot of searching around the internet. I have some experience learning a foreign language (French) as well as researching documents in others (the joys of being a history major lol) so I understand enough about phrasing and structure once I've found a few examples and can get a feel for it, but I also tend to do an over abundance of research to make sure I get a word or phrase as accurate as possible. I also follow some Irish blogs that help, too.

As for actually learning of the language, I have a couple of friends who have suggested I look into starting with Babbel. (I honestly know nothing about Babbel, but I have seen advertisements for it as well) I'm sure there must be other options out there, but I haven't started checking into them yet.

As for the other aspects of his Irish background - history, folktales, places, etc. - that is something that comes far more naturally to me! I was a history major in college ages ago and eventually ended up getting my MA in Medieval History. One benefit to that was learning how to research and how to discern reliable sources. It's a skill that has come in handy over the years (and as a result, when the research bug hits, I tend to go deeeeeeep into a subject just to satisfy my curiosity! lol).

Now, as for deciding where to make Caleb come from, I won't say I threw a dart at the map to choose (I'm not nearly so good at darts as he is!), but my parents visited Ireland about a decade ago and shared a bunch of photos and stories of their adventure. That fed into my love of geography, all things Celtic and history, and so I sat down at the computer, did a quick, general Google search on Irish history to get me started, and ended up chasing after bits and pieces that caught my interest. My Master's thesis was on the history of an abbey in England (of which I hope to one day publish an original fic with that as a large part of it's story) and in doing my research for that, I occasionally came across references to events in history that tied back to Ireland that piqued my interest as well. It's a research adventure that is still ongoing today - some thirty years after my MA Thesis and three and a half years after creating Caleb, but there's still more to learn about!

But like I said, I honestly cannot say what made me decide to plant Caleb in Shannon. He has the character background of an Earthborn Shepard, so I knew he'd be from a city. The foundation of his character, though, stems from a different game where I play Brigit, his mother, who is most definitely from rural Ireland. He was a natural fit for Mass Effect, and once I plonked him into Shannon, I started to explore the surrounding areas on maps, in folklore, in history, etc. It all kind of snowballed from there. I've scrounged up some 2nd hand travel guides for Ireland at used bookstores, read numerous books of Irish folktales I've collected over the years, and continue to search the Web for new and interesting tidbits to feed my fancy. My latest fixation has been on discovering more of the fae/fairy stories and folklore so I can adapt it to a Mass Effect/Fairy AU idea I have. Now to be fair, some of my fae knowledge is influenced by an RPG game I play as well as the information I've gathered, so please don't take it as 100% accurate, especially once I've added in the Mass Effect side of things!

So, all of my rambling aside - sorry about that, get me going on my characters and you might have to tell me to stop! lol - I would suggest a Google search to get you started or, alternatively, to help you narrow things down a bit to a starting point. Do you have a place you are really interested in? A story or bit of folklore? An ancestor from over there you'd like to learn more about? (trust me, tracing genealogy is just as dangerous for me - still happens to me whenever I pull mine out to update!) Could be something as simple as wondering about the history of Guinness beer or what Irish wool/yarn is native to the country or a W.B. Yeats poem you want to track down the meaning behind.

Come to think of it, a friend did pass along some W.B. Yeats back when I created Caleb. And my mom did give me some 'real Irish wool' yarn when she came back from that trip that I really need to dig out and make something with. Hmm....

(and feel free to drop other asks if you have specific questions! I'm sorry I've rambled on so long, but what a delight to find your comments in my inbox! thank you so much!!!)

[cryolyst]

can't write in my journal right now because i filled it with dried flowers so the paper is unavailable. lol.

wednesday september 13 2023 11:33pm

i'm having the ol "empty and despairing and lonely after hanging out" feeling right now, but it's also. different.

i forgot my wallet at home and didn't realize til the end of my shift, so my original plan to go out to a bar tonight wouldn't be happening since i didn't have my ID. jun ended up having to cancel anyways because they weren't feeling well so :/

i was just going to go home and lock myself in my room and watch the rest of jjk s1, but robey got off at the same time tonight, so partway through walking to the bus station together we both said we were hungry and we went to get dim sum together. and then we decided to do a little window shopping. and then we both admitted that we didn't want to be at home around our families because we both have tense relationships with our parents so we walked up and down the same street for 2 hours just talking, delaying going home. mostly him. because i still don't know how to open up.

it's weird, because i don't feel that sort of connection with him where i can tell him anything about me, but it isn't a distrust either, because i know he won't judge or use it against me. i just. can't talk about anything and everything the way he can. but when he vents about something, it doesn't feel heavy. it's not a burden the way H can sometimes be.

maybe it is because there isn't that kind of baggage like there is with H. there's no resentment when he speaks ill of our mutual friends, because it doesn't ever feel that serious. i don't feel the need to offer wise words. there's no expectation for me to have something profound to say, to even answer at all. and it's easy to answer in small anecdotes, without saying anything too close, too personal. and it doesn't feel like i'm making it about myself. but it doesn't feel like i'm just speaking without being heard either.

(12:04am) it's funny that i keep comparing him to H. he did this thing where he constantly thought something he did with sam was something he did with me, and vice versa, which is something H does with me and their sibling all the time. they're somehow so similar but not at all the same. but i can't really see us ever getting on the level of... friendship, i guess, that i have with H. i don't know if i'll ever find someone quite like what i have... what i had... with H. it's like i put my entire soul out on display once, for the one person i thought was the same as me... and then it wasn't treated quite how i expected, how things initially were advertised, so now i can't. i can't do it again.

i honestly don't know how many chances i have to hang out with him one on one anyways. he's different from the work friends i've made in the past but. at the end of the day, it's still not founded on anything deeper than that shared space and shared time we have right now.

is that too bleak of a thing to think? that we'll certainly part ways once one of us quits? i know it's not always the case. drew and ron still make an effort to hang out despite them both being married and busy with other things when ron is in town. so do tess and liz. i think john and dom are still in touch, and dom and han definitely hang out. i can see K and M and V and P all staying in touch with one another. maybe the four of them and robey too. but i was never really close with them like that.

(12:27am) sometime earlier this year i jokingly asked V if she would come to my funeral. and after she said if she were still alive and able-bodied and clear of mind (because i was going to live a very long life), she said if she somehow still had a connection with me and heard about the funeral, she would. maybe she wasn't thinking about it in quite a personal way, only a realistic way, but when i asked if she doubted that we would have a connection of mutual people in the future despite our significant overlap of people we know, she said a lot about the drifting of people once they stop sharing a space. and it isn't just about that. it's about the fact that i, personally, don't know how to put down those roots. i can shed my leaves, leave those small pieces of myself behind. sometimes those small pieces nuture someone, something. i'm happy to make those small impacts on people. but sometimes... i wish i had someone who i could feel more anchored to. someone who i could come back to time and time again, without thinking, "will there be a next time? will i still be able to come back to you for the same connection? can we grow together?"

he told me how lonely today's shift felt, with all of the four of them at school while the two of us were stuck at the deadest, most boring place to be on a wednesday. he brought up Y, all the way across the country. i was struck suddenly by this realization that he knew her in a totally different way than i did. i'm stuck on the fact that she offered me a place to stay if i was in the area, and how seriously i should take her.

we usually just low-five + fist bump when we say bye, but he initiated a hug. it was really nice. i hope we get to hug more, because i don't see K and V often enough these days. i lied to him before we parted ways. a small one. told him i was going directly home, but i doubled back so i could pass the bar me and jun usually haunt, just to see if there'd be any familiar faces taking a smoke outside the doors. i wasn't lucky to catch any.

i have to be up at 8:30am tomorrow. i only have 5 more episodes of jjk season 1 left. hm.

[halothanic]

18-25 for the ask prompt!

okay well first i must apologize for leaving this for probably a YEAR, idek when i reblogged this ask prompt but i'm sitting here waiting for my ipad to update so i'm finally going to answer these. i completely forgot about my inbox. btw to all my followers out there old and new feel free to drop asks anytime

18. an estimate of how many art supplies you've broken?

well, since transitioning to mostly digital art, i can't say i've broken many supplies! the only things i can remember in the past few years have been one prismacolor pencil that kept breaking (it made me so mad HAHA cus they're expensive) and then i have ~5 copics that have been completely trashed. thankfully none more! i'm really careful with supplies

19. favorite inanimate objects to draw?

i love drawing leather, stars, liquids and/or blood, and foliage! i need to get better at drawing things that aren't people. but i really like making things shiny so i guess that's why i gravitate towards these things. oh, and pens/pencils/stationery, i love cluttering up a space i draw (just like my real space, i'm a maximalist at heart)

20. something everyone else finds hard to draw, but you enjoy?

HANDS! they are my favorite thing to draw but i know they're an unpopular favorite

21. art styles nothing like your own, but you love anyway?

this is a tough question, but i really like simplistic art, especially vintage advertisements and stuff. one artist i can think of is eric hinkley, his work is so crisp and simple, nothing like mine, but i LOVE this style and surround myself with it. i have a lot of adornments and details in my work, but i'm always trying to make sure they're streamlined and/or pleasing. i also adore riso art but i really cannot figure that style out to save my life, someday i hope i do

22. what physical exercises do you do before drawing, if any?

umm, i should do stretches but i never do. this is probably why i have wrist pain at my age! but in the middle of drawing, i usually get up, stretch my back and arms/hands for a breather

23. do you use different layer modes?

yes! i use overlays and multiply, but not many others. i rely on alpha lock and clipping masks for my work, i love those modes so much

24. do your references include stock images?

yes and no, sometimes i don't reference my art but if i'm having trouble, i usually google what i'm thinking of and HOPEFULLY find a fitting stock image to glance at, so yes! but most of the time, it's just me and the photo booth app lol

25. something your art has been compared to that you have not been inspired by?

i don't get many comparisons but i think patrick nagel has come up! his art is super cool though, i would love to make a drag persona out of it hah

thanks so much for asking so many questions anon!

[lukael]

it's venting time baby

tumblr still feels like the only place where I can actually properly vent, I don't wanna do it on my other platforms cause I feel like they're the more likely to get me commissions and I imagine hearing me say how much I fucking hate drawing isn't exactly good for business

and honestly I fucking hate that I can't actually say how I really feel in fear of not getting commissions, makes me feel like a FOOL but anyways

I do not enjoy drawing :)

I don't find it fun, I don't find it fulfilling, and I'm still fighting with myself over that fact, because I've been really happy since quitting my job 2 years ago, so it's easy to feel like it's because drawing makes me happier, but I really think it's just that I hate the idea of doing any other job EVEN MORE.

I don't think I'm good at it, I don't think I'm ever really gonna be great at it, and when Audrey asks me "why do you need to be great at it", I don't really know what to say. I don't have the answer. Trying to do something without being able to is just the most frustrating feeling in the fucking world, and it's something I'm putting myself through daily by pursuing art, like I'm just not good at it lol

so fucking tired of hearing people say "no you're totally good at it omg you're so talented!" like.... I APPRECIATE THAT, I really do, like yeah I can create moderately competent looking images on occasion, to some that's an impressive skill, or that's sufficient, cool. It's not good enough for me lol I would like to either: enjoy the process of drawing (I do not) or to create really great looking art (I do not)

bad enough that I hate it, but I also hate the process of having to constantly be looking for job opportunities with book companies, trying to advertise for commissions, never really getting enough to pay the bills for the month, like.... social medias are only getting more and more shit, so that's not helping, but even before that, I've never found any success online (probably cause the art sucks lol)

some days I'm debating just going to work at Subways or some shit, cause then at least I'd be making minimum wage lol which is a hella lot more than I'm making right now, but doing a student entry level job at 34 wouldn't be great for my morale I think lol plus I would hate that work too, so idk... call me lazy I guess, I just don't wanna work lol

Praying to the fuckin heavens every day that my channel can pick up in traffic so I can monetize it, cause even though I don't think I'm funny or interesting or entertaining in those videos, at least I have fun doing those. Getting to do this stuff full time would literally be a dream come true cause then I wouldn't be forced to fucking draw. I could actually like, maybe just draw for fun and somehow try to reconnect with what it is that led me to start drawing in the first place 30 something years ago

It sucks cause my parents are probably so proud of me when I say "hey guys I'm doing it I'm a freelance illustrator going on 2 years now!" I bet they tell their friends like wow look how my son is doing so well! not really knowing I've lost thousands of dollars of savings in those two years because I'm not making jack shit because I still price my commissions like I was 17 year old just starting in the damn art world

but I can't price comms any higher because A) I wouldn't get any and B) I can't in good conscience charge any higher for this garbage I'm making, I sure as fuck wouldn't pay that amount for the shit I draw. And that's with people not even knowing how much I hate it the whole time lol oh shit that's probably bad for business to say here too huhhhhhhhhh hey guys don't mind me my commissions are open, check my carrd for more info!!! :)

if anyone is unlucky enough to be reading this, probably thinking "luk if you hate drawing so much why not just do some other job" well see thats because I've painted myself into this fucking corner, and in my entire life have been so stubborn about drawing that I haven't amassed any other skill or interest, so there's no other job I could be doing, it just has to be this now, because I need to make money somehow so I can eat and pay rent, so might as well be with this thing I'm kinda sorta okay at even though it's fucking pulling teeth at this point

anyways

[owlsinathens]

1, 7 and 8 😊!

Oooh thank you for the ask 🥰

1. what's the fic you're most proud of?

That's still Another Christmas Carol (and Dickens can go fuck himself). I'm ridiculously proud of the title, and I do think it's my best work, from translating canon stuff into a modern AU to the adapting of fucking Dickens to characterization etc etc. I will never be humble about that fic 🤣

7. how does receiving or not receiving feedback/support impact you?

Ah, the tricky topic. Feedback. Oh, lovely feedback.

It's important, ngl. I'm of course writing for myself first and foremost, but I'm definitely not posting for myself. Not getting feedback on something I've worked hard on sucks. Plain and simple. Screaming into the void sucks.

On the other hand, I do understand many of the reasons why people don't comment. I'm bad at commenting too, it does cost a lot of energy, especially the kind of comment I myself love to receive the most.

How does it impact me? A single good comment can often take me out of writer's block or a sad mood. A wonderful comment can make me open my docs and write.

On the other hand, receiving no feedback (and with feedback I mean feedback, as in telling me what worked well in the fic, what people think about the story, what surprised them, what did they predict etc etc) can make me doubt myself a lot and kill all drive to write I might have. I'm constantly oscillating between Dunning-Kruger and Imposter syndrome when it comes to my writing 🙈 and the latter is harder to overcome.

Tl;dr: I'm a comment whore pls give me feedback 😭🥰

8. does anyone in your personal life know you write fic? if not, would you tell anyone?

Most of my family know, but they're a) not interested in GoT and b) don't speak English well enough to read my fics. Hubby knows and has read some, but his interest in Theon and Jon hooking up is below zero so he doesn't really read my stuff either. Basically I'm not hiding it, but I'm also not going around advertising it.

What I won't do anymore is send/show my stuff to anyone irl. I've been asked to do so by a few friends (never sent it unsolicited lol) and not one of those people have ever mentioned it again so my guess is they either didn't like it or didn't read it at all and that's kinda awkward. 10/10 won't do again.