#can you imagine being confronted by the most powerful people in the three realms and they destroy your self esteem with dry fucking wit

[lazycranberrydoodles]

they are so in love and disgusting and also sarcastic bitches. follow for more / prev comic / next comic

[astaroth1357]

How the Obey Me Cast Would Protect MC

Lucifer

With all his (considerable) might.

Keeping his human safe in such a dangerous place is a point of pride to him. To attack them, then, is to besmirch that pride… and you can imagine the consequences of that.

Cold and brutal, but also swift and effective. Lucifer will have any attacker who comes at them cooked to a crisp then served to Cerberus by lunchtime.

If someone were to actually hurt MC, he'd take it as a failure on his part and seek to "fix" it by any means necessary. An eye for an eye is not nearly strict enough, even a light bruise will make him go for the heart.

Mammon

To his dying breath.

They are one of the best things to happen to him in centuries so do you think that he's going to let them go easily? Of course not!

Mammon is no slouch. He's second oldest and second strongest, so any intruder better take him seriously. His speed is his greatest weapon and he'll end a fight before it gets to start.

Mammon would 100% lay down his life if it meant keeping MC safe. He wouldn't think about it nor hesitate and his attacks are pretty reckless in kind. Anyone who hurts MC won't be able to hide behind his self-preservation, they're always going down even if he's going with them.

Leviathan 

With the force of a Grand Admiral.

Usually, Levi prefers to stay out of confrontation. Not because he's too weak to fight but because he's often too much to handle.

This man's opening move is to summon a seven-headed sea monster that floods the local area and chews his opponents to pieces... How much worse do you think he can do when he's serious?

Levi isn't put into the spotlight very often and he'll rarely enter a fight head-on, but for MC he'll win any battle, any time. He's bringing a tank to a water balloon fight and he doesn't care who screams, "HAX!!!"

Satan

Like a beast without a cage.

Don't be fooled by his brains and good manners, under all of that lies a bona fide demon.

"Savage" doesn't even begin to describe Satan when he's pissed and being a threat to MC will get him there in a millisecond. He's every bit as remorseless as Lucifer, but without the careful efficiency. Breaking every bone takes time.

And again, that's only if he considers someone a threat. To anyone who actually hurts MC, there'll be so little left Simeon will have nothing to pray over... Promise.

Asmodeus 

As if they were a part of himself.

Asmo has gone on record many times saying how much he loves himself - he could kiss a mirror, he loves himself that much. But when MC stepped into his life, they became a part of him too.

So all that anger he gets when he sees a chipped nail? The fury he feels when someone ruins his hair? He feels the same when someone hurts MC, but tenfold. 

The people who hurt them aren't just attacking his image, they're attacking his soul - and he responds in kind. No punishment is too steep at that point. Even if it was his charm, he'd say they did it to themselves.

Beelzebub 

Like he's sworn an oath.

In the Celestial Realm, Beel was ready to lay down his life for Lucifer. He doesn't see much of a difference here, really.

Defending his loved ones is in his DNA - it's how he thinks and operates. The moment the MC befriended Beel, whether they knew it or not, they had a bodyguard for life.

He's already lost one family member but he'll never lose another. He'll be the first to leap to their defense and the last to ever call it quits. Satan may leave a little, but Beel will make sure there's nothing left when he's done.

Belphegor 

Like there's finally something worth fighting for.

Being as lazy and lethargic as he is, most people wouldn't pick Belphegor as their protector, but for MC? He'll wake right up.

Belphie had been running on autopilot for a long time after losing Lilith... If he had any reason to fight anymore, it'd be for Beel but it's not like his twin needs the help.

The MC is different… so human and as fragile as ever. Though it feels like they could disappear at any moment, he'd never let it happen. He'd burn everything to the ground first.

Diavolo

With the power of a King.

Just take a moment to actually appreciate how insane someone must be to want to hurt MC with the Demon Lord at their back...

Does this even need elaboration? He would maim them, eviscerate them, send an army to trample their bones, then resurrect the pieces to do it all over again!

For the good that the MC has done him, his realm, and the world at large - he wouldn't settle for anything less. But of course, no one would be that stupid anyway… Right...?

Barbatos

Quietly, from the shadows.

Barbatos knows where he fits in the world. He doesn't need any fame or glory, nor to be looked at as some kind of hero (because he most certainly is not).

Barbs will take every measure possible to be sure that threats are dealt with, but always behind the scenes. He's a man of many talents, thus it never takes him very long.

The MC is his Lord's guest and very important to everyone there… Their stay shouldn't be marred by something as trivial as fear. They can just keep going about their day as usual and he'll keep the threats buried out of sight... literally.

Simeon

Without mercy.

All the kindness in the world can't hide one thing, Simeon is a living weapon - plain and simple - as an Archangel it's in his job description.

Loyal but pragmatic, Simeon will do or say what he needs to in order to get the best outcome he can. He's an angel, but he'll bend or even break the rules when MC is involved...

If they're in danger, he will defend them however he can and with all his might. There's no room for forgiveness or talking things out. He's risked everything for them before and he'll do it again and again…

Solomon

Even if the world burns...

To say that Solomon has a "different" way of looking at things would be charitable. Either from prolonged corruption or centuries of a lonely life: his methods, priorities, and even logic can be a bit iffy to others…

Likewise, for reasons only he knows (perhaps the emotion called "Love"), he's decided that the MC is worth protecting above all else. He will hold true to this.

The stars could be falling and the planet cracking to pieces sending mayhem running through the streets as the Three Realms collapse around them - but he will do everything in his immense power to safeguard the only thing that matters - his MC.

[qm-vox]

So You Want To Play A Fairest

(Portrait of Erin Peters by cantankerousAquarius. The character originally appeared in Night Horrors: Grim Fears, published by White Wolf; catch my take on her in New Avalon)

Previous Articles: So You Want To Play A Beast, So You Want To Play A Wizened, So You Want To Play An Elemental, So You Want To Play An Ogre, & So You Want To Play A Darkling

You ever wonder, flipping through a Monster Manual for D&D, or a Bestiary for Pathfinder, why nymphs and hags are both always, always, women? It’s older than you know. Dig into the sordid history of tabletops and you’ll find sylphs that Gary Gygax wrote, Chaotic charmers who use mind control to reproduce with non-sylph men; you’ll find the legacy of the matriarchal drow, who follow a mad goddess, and you’ll find the medusae, whose sexual dimorphism is so complete that their men are beautiful and can turn stone into people.

Dredge deeper and you’ll find the tales that Gygax and his wretched ilk based such creatures off of.

You ever wonder why we assign such powerful Gender to creatures of beauty and horror?

Fairest don’t. They know, every time they wake up from a nightmare that is also a wet dream. They know, every time they get hit on at the bar and have to decide how they’re playing this. They know, every time they look in a mirror and see not their own face, but the ten thousand horrors that made it beautiful.

If you are very patient, and lucky, and kind, they might tell you why.

If you aren’t, they may show you.

This article draws primarily on Changeling: the Lost and Winter Masques, as well as Swords at Dawn and Night Horrors: Grim Fears. Other sources, when used, will be cited. It requires Content Warnings for sexual violence, sexual slavery, abuse, gaslighting, addiction, substance abuse, self-harm, self-image problems, mentions of fascists & fascist ideology, and just, so very much incel bullshit.

Bonus Material Part Two: The Seeming Part

The end of this article, just past the customary Sample Fairest, will include some additional material intended to help you select a Seeming for your character and otherwise build them up as one of the Lost, much as So You Want To Run A Spring Court included material for Courts as a topic.

Take Me To Wonderland - Fairest Overview

Fairest is the fourth Seeming presented in Changeling: the Lost and possibly the most confused about its own identity. Its sections in Winter Masques present depths and nuance that are completely absent in core, essentially making Winter Masques required reading for Fairest players in a way that no other book is - especially since Fairest keep getting written in a particular way alluded to in the Ogre article, which I will expand on later in this article. Fairest is numerically well-represented in canon and popular in the fanbase, home to many memorable character concepts, but its bones with folklore and tradition are weaker than it fronts as.

Ogres and Darklings claim an innate relationship to physical violence; so too do the Fairest claim a relationship to violence. The violence of Perception and its dark twin, Judgement; of Rumor and its mad dog, Prejudice, the violence of Lies and their merciless master, Truth. Fairest, alone among the Lost, have casual access to the resources of a society that refuses to service or acknowledge Changelings, and with access to that society comes both opportunity and temptation. To be Fairest is to wield power that many other Lost cannot, but the opportunity that power offers is a lie; a Fairest can smile until her face breaks like a mirror, but she’ll never be “sane” enough for the masses to see her as anything but a useful pet.

Life’s Lush Lips - Homecoming As A Fairest

Fairest can make the dubious claim of having the least clear memories of Arcadia amongst all the Lost, with Darklings and Beasts jockeying for second place. This isn’t to say that the experiences Fairest have are necessarily more intense or more inherently traumatic than that of other Lost, but rather that the abuse Fairest suffer is so emotional, so targeted at their perception of their selves and their situations and their self-image, that the memories which do form are inevitably colored by those emotions, coloring the dreams they have of Arcadia with both the emotional resonances they had at the time and with their later attempts to grapple with their own trauma and transformation. For many Fairest, who cannot trust even their strongest memory dreams, attempts to understand their own Durance must rely either on the word of their Keepers (and Faeries lie, oh, how they lie), or on reverse-engineering their own behavior to try and conceive of a trauma that could cause it.

Inevitably, however, some things are seared into their minds. For almost all Fairest, their Keeper is high on the list of things they remember with absolute clarity. Other facts, shattered and scattered, vary more widely. Erin Peters remembers stretched years kept in a cold, dark room lit only by her own hatred; every detail of her cell is scorched onto the back of her eyes, but the otherworldly balls her Keeper took her to blur together like food coloring in syrup. The slaves of the Candle Countess have terrible nightmares of the choices they were confronted with, the decision, offered over and over again, to become complicit in the Countess’s cruelty or to be victimized by it. Metallic Flowering from the Shining City struggle not to use drugs to mimic the rush of pleasure they’ve grown used to receiving for performing their jobs well; they also scream in terror if people touch them. A Draconic and a Shadowsoul both remember being used for the sexual pleasure of alien horrors; the one dreams of coiled scales and terrible teeth, the other a lifetime of lurking in an alien maze, tasked to perform the duties of a living trap for the “wicked” and “unwary” who had not yet shed the last vestiges of kindness.

There are no “wild” Fairest. For worse and worse still, to be Fairest is to have been defined by the inescapable and all-consuming attentions of your abuser, and it is this more than anything that other Lost so often fail to understand about the Fairest. Their Keepers heap them with reward and punishment, manipulating the Fairest with honeyed praise, godly wrath, gaslighting, neglect, withholding food, wondrous rewards, drugs from beyond the realms of earthly pleasure, and other hooks and crooks designed to make the Fairest dependent upon their abuser. It is hideously effective, and the first obstacle, maybe even the mightiest, that a Fairest faces to their escape is the simple horror and joy of being alone again. Their masters will try other tricks to keep them in place - tempting them with pleasures, horrific punishments, oh-so-sincere apologies - but before a Fairest can escape into the Hedge she must face, in her mind’s eye, the lonely flight back to the Iron Lands.

The memories that draw Fairest home often have parallels to their experiences in Arcadia. A slave in the Shining City bites into an otherworldly pastry and recalls her grandmother’s pie in its place; the bride of the Demon Lover, curled up under the sheets, thinks about the broken smile of the boyfriend she left behind at home. A Dancer remembers the roller rink where he fell in love with skating, while across the endless tides of the Fairest of Lands, a Shadowsoul holds on like grim death to years of work at haunted houses, scaring kids for fun and for Halloween. Fairest, so famous for their skill at words, struggle to articulate to other Lost why this should be so. Darklings assume it’s because these memories are less intense than Arcadia, and that the Fairest are fleeing to safety. Beasts get it a bit more right by thinking that these memories taste like home. The truth of the matter is that those memories have an intrinsic and nameless meaning; the highs and lows of Arcadia are divine, flawless, absolute, and therefore worthless. They are the proclamations of merciless gods. What draws the Fairest home, more than pain and pleasure they can have on their own terms, is the understanding that those gestures - for weal or for woe or for anything else besides - were made because someone cared about them, personally. Once they fully internalize that their abuser views them as disposable, the Fairest comes home to someone who won’t.

Three Kiths And Flowering Is One And A Half Of Them - Fairest Kiths

Yeah we’re about to be like that about it.

All Fairest can excel in the social arena; their Blessing can be used to flare almost every social roll in the game, and Fairest can never be caught off-guard in a social context (they suffer no untrained penalties to social rolls). With the sole exception of Empathy (usually rolled with Wits) and sometimes Streetwise, there’s no time a Fairest can’t fall back on their words and expect to win through or at least buy time. This is, as you might imagine, a godsend when it comes to attempts to pass in mortal society; Fairest can usually front, charm, bluff, or Manners(tm) their way through things like renting an apartment, nailing a job interview, asking their roommate to do the FUCKING DISHES, or getting stopped by a cop, but both the books and the fanbase miss something here. While Fairest are superb at active social events, they’re no better at keeping a lid on themselves (Composure-based rolls) than mortals are - and given both the nature of their trauma and the fact that they are, you know, Lost, Fairest have a lot more to keep a lid on day-to-day than the human society they’re trying to blend into. Thankfully, Fairest are pretty good at being able to politely leave a situation and go somewhere else to scream, shout, cry, or have a psychotic break, as appropriate.

Of course, Fairest can’t make something from nothing. As discussed in So You Want To Play An Ogre, you can’t win a social game someone else refuses to sit down to, and social rolls shouldn’t be mind control. All the Glamour in the world can’t make your roommate do the FUCKING DISHES if they’re deep in the throes of executive dysfunction, nor can it make the cashier at Walgreens fail to card you for wine when their computer literally won’t advance without an ID. People who are keyed up about honeyed words or whose own trauma came at the hands of manipulators and abusers might refuse to play that game on the terms the Fairest is setting, which makes it hard to, as it were, turn this problem into a nail. Lurking down this path as well is the specter of becoming like the masters who made you this way; if you get used to saying what will get people to listen to you, eventually you start seeing people as enrichment puzzles that dispense the things you want. Madness waits down that road, and it waits for Fairest with a giant spiked bat, thanks to their Seeming Curse.

There’s no pretty way to say this so I won’t: Fairest are always on the verge of losing their minds. Their curse hits them with a flat penalty to all rolls against losing Clarity, which means that Fairest lose Clarity faster than other Lost and they do so more consistently. This necessitates a balancing act with avoiding becoming heartless manipulators; Fairest must engage in control-seeking behavior in order to stay mentally well, must be able to trust and rely on people close to them, structure their lives, and anticipate important changes or they end up on the fast way down. Other Lost often don’t understand this need or the Fairest curse to begin with, and so Fairest end up in unofficial support groups for one another, similar to those run by Darklings except no one will admit it’s a support group even at gunpoint. Woe fucking betide the friend or life partner who gets between a Fairest and her “book club”, “girls’ night”, “D&D campaign”, or other excuse for this vital community support.

Fairest Kiths are...bad. They’re bad. This is the part of the article where I’m supposed to talk about thematics and symbolism and metaphor, and I cannot do that here, because they are bad. Fairest has three viable Kiths that are actual Fairest Kiths, one that’s a Beast Kith who got lost and wound up here by fucking mistake, and a pile of garbage bigger than my self-esteem problems. I’m almost tempted to only talk about those four Kiths and save myself the time but I suppose I should show the work like I’ve done for all the other Seemings, so here we fuckin’ go I guess.

Flowering - This is it. This is the Fairest Kith. If you want to roll any other kind of Fairest you must first pass the trial of justifying why you’re not playing Flowering. In theory, Flowering draws its mythic heritage from nymphs and dryads, charming flower sprites, Knights of Flowers, and the like, but in practice Flowering’s only mechanical effect is 9-again on Persuasion, Socialize, and Subterfuge with no qualification or requirement, which doesn’t just make you better at everything Fairest is good at, it makes you better when you spend Glamour to flare it too. Want to represent a biobahn sith’s hypnotic dance? Flowering works. Want to create a vampiric Fairest with a sultry voice? Here comes Flowering. The siren at the bar who smells like sea air and gunpowder? Flowering. Everything is Flowering. Even the things that aren’t Flowering are Flowering because all Fairest Kiths have a social focus, which is Flowering’s undisputed arena of mastery.

Bright One - In theory, Bright Ones represent beings of light in the vein of Victorian fey (which...ugh...Victorians), but their Goblin Illumination is, how you say, useless, only becoming vaguely useful for a total of 2 Glamour as a passive defense that took you 2 turns to set up. Anything you want to represent here can be found in Flowering and with Elements or Communion (Light).

Dancer - You know how Flowering gives you bonuses on all social rolls? Would you like those same bonuses but on 1 less skill and only on rolls that “involve physical grace”? No? Run Flowering here and give your character a Dance specialty in one or more skills.

Draconic - One of the game’s premier melee options and a Beast Kith who took a wrong turn and ended up getting a free makeover intended for someone else. Draconic in theory represents Fairest as dragons, monster girls, demons, and in general at their most physical, but that idea sorta...falls down a bit? Draconic’s bonuses are all about Brawl and all the sample Draconics are swordsmen, which might suggest to the discerning reader that someone in the office wasn’t reading their own fucking game. Draconic Fairest don’t make bad melee boys if you invest in Lethal Mien, but honestly this is Dual Kith bait; slap it on your Hunterheart or your Razorhand and go apeshit.

Muse - Close but no cigar. In theory Muses are, well, muses; figures of inspiration, mentorship, teaching, creative fire. Their Kith Blessing is strong but requires access to mortals, which is complicated and roundabout on the best of days. If you have an idea that you think is Muse-shaped, use Playmate instead.

Flamesiren - Behold, we enter the realm of Okay(tm). Flamesirens are what Bright Ones wanted to be, and their hypnotic aura is actually a pretty neat tool; with cunning you can make it a one-sided penalty, and even if you don’t it’s an interesting method of de-escalating a social or combat situation by subjecting everyone to the tar pit that is your presence. If your concept involves light and color and you’re resistant to Flowering, Flamesiren will do more than nothing.

Polychromatic - Polychromatics don’t have a lot of roots in mythology; their modern inspirations are, well, Manic Pixie Dream Girls. But they get a shout-out here for being the only Fairest Kith who can muster up decent emotional defenses; not only can they magically boost their Composure rolls (and non-Composure rolls to resist magical and mundane emotional attacks for that matter), but others get a flat penalty to Empathy rolls against them, which makes them talented dissemblers. You’re still probably better off with Flowering - in a world of passive Kith Blessings, Polychromatic’s is extra passive - but I can see this Kith passing muster, and even being worth the two dots to Dual Kith in-house.

Shadowsoul - This one’s insane. Ostensibly Fairest Does Darkling, Shadowsouls get their Wyrd to Intimidate rolls which could be the whole Kith on its own and still be worth the slot, but in addition to that they get 9-again on Subterfuge (matching Flowering and Darklings there) and access to Contracts of Darkness, one of the most powerful in the game line, as an Affinity Contract. Is your Fairest spooky? Would you like them to be spooky? Here’s your one-stop shop.

Telluric - This is a Kith made of ribbon bonuses. In theory related to stars and celestial light, Telluric’s bonuses to rolls “with precise timing” isn’t...really worth considering. Run ‘em as Flamesiren and move on.

Treasured - In theory also able to muster emotional defenses, Treasured are Fairest who are literally made into works of art. They’re Okay(tm) but in their niche are beaten out by Polychromatic with a better effect for less resources.

Playmate - The last Real Fairest Kith(tm), Playmate appears in Night Horrors: Grim Fears where White Wolf tries to sell it as Peter Pan, but its powerful team-oriented bonuses mean that Playmates are useful anywhere Muse is wanted and more places besides. The front woman of an indie rock band could be a Playmate; so too could be an idealized baseball captain, the director at your local theater, the middle manager of a sinister conspiracy, or the night shift lead at a research lab. Do people do a thing in teams? Playmate does that thing.

And She Had Huge Titties, I Mean Massive Badondadonks, Absolutely Enormous Bazoggahoggas - Lost’s Canon Fairest

Remember when I said we had to get back to this after So You Want To Play An Ogre? Now we’re getting back to this. I’m not gonna re-state my caveats from that article and I’m not really gonna go back over the bit about So White Wolf Was Run By Fucking Nazis because, in all honesty, I do not have the fucking time to restate all of that in new words. Give thanks that OPP got out alive and let’s get right down to it.

Fairest have a very consistent characterization in canon that is only really challenged in Winter Masques; the narrative put forth in Lost is that Fairest, being attractive, have an uncomplicated power which privileges their lives. Which is a rather bloodless way to describe how White Wolf kept writing and publishing Fairest as heartless abusers and manipulators getting their jollies and emotional needs met by casually destroying their fellow survivors, manipulating them through sex appeal, outright lies, cattiness, cruelty, and betrayal. Much as simply queering Ogre does not help Ogre in and of itself, queering Fairest only takes you from incel and Nazi propaganda about women into...incel and Nazi propaganda about twinks, femmes, & in general anyone with the temerity to be found attractive by straight white people.

I’m not bitter, you’re bitter.

So what do you do at your table, with your Fairest concept? Lemme open up by saying that like, Fairest qua Fairest is perfectly solid, and if it wasn’t there wouldn’t be an article here; Fairest has a lot to say for itself about feminized violence, about your personhood being reduced to a product for the consumption of others, about emotional abuse & neglect, gaslighting, and sexual assault, but the conclusion White Wolf arrives at (”Fairest have unalloyed power over mortal and Lost society and they abuse that power”) is super fucking obtuse and betrays a serious lack of concern for what the Fairest undergo. It ignores the way a Fairest’s ordeals will force her to confront her relationship to her own gender and alter her willingness and ability to be consumed, disconnect her from her former society while also isolating her from her new one, and these questions are important for you if you’re looking to play a ‘classic’ Fairest.

But that leaves some hanging questions. Male Fairest face the almost inescapable fate of “failing” maleness on patriarchal terms; even the most strapping, broad-chested, athletic Adonis of a Fairest has become a man of layered words and reflexive empathy, whose Manly Stoicism(tm) is a cracking facade at best and entirely abandoned in a more typical circumstance. Men who become Fairest thus face a second journey after their escape from Arcadia; confronting what being men means to them and building their gender identity back up from the rubble it’s become. The temptation to accept success on society’s terms is always going to be present, and it’s always going to be offered like it’s possible, but it’s a losing game for these Fairest; they simply cannot be the men that other men demand they become.

Now, the discerning and loyal reader is surely about to ask, hey Vox, where’s the butch Fairest I was promised back in the Ogre article, to which I respond WE’RE GETTING THERE but I gotta use this as a bridge to talk about something that cuts across Fairest of all genders, be they cis or trans. Lost 1e makes a lot of hay out of the idea that Fairest “are rarely conventionally attractive”, and core even provides some interesting written concepts for that...which make it into exactly none of the art. Every published Fairest is conventionally attractive for various definitions of conventional, be it as a supermodel or a waif, but that leaves the question of Fairest who genuinely are not - and, tragically, Fairest who were not, and were then made into someone more easily consumed by their Durance. You know what I’m about to say, and I know you know I’m about to say it, but I’m gonna say it anyway: all bodies are beautiful, but Fairest know well that beauty and attraction aren’t the same, and neither are beauty and happiness. All Fairest, from the roundest bear to the most wide-eyed waif, are the products of Keepers who valued their bodies in that state, and that idea is going to haunt them day in and day out for the rest of their extended lives. There is no such thing as a Fairest with an uncomplicated relationship to their body, and that White Wolf seems to think that an uncomplicated relationship is their default state is...disgusting, frankly.

Which brings us, at long last, to butch Fairest (also bear Fairest but I’m gonna stick with the one set of terms or I’m going to go mad and this will never be published), who have a complicated journey ahead of them. On the one hand, the assertion of control and ownership over their own bodies, their own identities, cannot be overstated. On the other hand, elements of those bodies are going to be completely out of their control; a nascent butch Fairest may well hit the gym to get swole only to discover that she literally, physically cannot, that she has been Assigned Dex Build At Durance. Hauling your corpse out of Arcadia with an extremely feminine appearance shaped by your Keeper might complicate attempts to present in a more masculine manner or even just to appear androgynous, and those complications can be discouraging. For those that stick to it, this journey will take them two places; one is the bared-teeth, bloody-knuckled assertion that this life is theirs and you can have it if you can fucking take it, and the other is into the ranks of the Freehold’s retained warriors, usually in Summer or Autumn, though a vibrant representation of Spring knights will make it seem as if Spring has more butch Fairest than it actually does. These Fairest are aware, or will become aware, of how much of their job involves de-escalating or pre-empting violence; a focus on Physical stats or skills is not necessarily common, but hyper-specialization therein likely is. A butch Fairest is a lot more likely to have, say, Brawl 4 (Multiple Opponents) and no other Physical skills than she is to have Brawl, Weaponry, Athletics, and Stealth, in part or in whole because her first weapon of choice is going to be an Intimidate roll.

At every turn you’re able to, challenge White Wolf’s narrative about Fairest by asking yourself what your Fairest wants, why they’re this way, what they’re frightened of, and how the way they behave relates back to these. They’re not products; they’re people, just as hurt and Lost as the rest of their peers.

Princesses And Pastries - Fairest In The Courts

Fairest have a complex relationship to the society of their fellow Lost. On the one hand, they have the same need for community, support, companionship, understanding, honesty, and material aid as all Lost; a Fairest is not magically proof against being homeless, against starving, against the dangers of existing in the modern world without things like a photo ID or car insurance, and Freeholds provide all of these things. On the other hand, the thing most Fairest fear most, even if they can’t articulate that fear, is their own power - social influence, emotional trust and betrayal, status, political power, and authority. Fairest are all too aware that being good at this game does not make them immune to it - after all, that’s the lesson they learned at the hands of their Keepers.

What follows from this is a complex dance of interactions that each Fairest in some ways has to feel like she’s managing on her own, even if she’s not (and she rarely is; those support groups exist for a reason). If you give a Fairest a doughnut in a social setting, she will lick that doughnut even if she doesn’t intend to eat it right away, solely to hear someone else say something along the lines of “well it’s yours now”. As Fairest filter into Freehold society and take up social roles at all levels of power - officers, messengers, ‘ambassadors’ to mortal society, secretaries, pledge-smiths, teachers, monarchs - their responsibilities and rewards become their doughnut. That Fairest make a big deal out of both their job and the benefits that come with it is rarely, as other Lost sometimes think, about aggrandizement or reveling in power for its own sake; it’s about the sheer relief and assurance of hearing someone say, to the Fairest’s face, that this is her doughnut and no one is going to take it from her.

Younger Fairest tend to flit between two or three Courts; their initial selection may be based entirely on friendships, Vibes, or a gut-check decision based on an initial pitch by that Court, and Fairest can go quite far even in a Court that doesn’t quite actually fit their needs. Eventually, though, those Fairest who survive their youth will gravitate towards a Court whose ideals speak to them, even if its current social order isn’t living up to those ideals. If they’re going to be condemned to live as exiles in the world of their birth, the Fairest can at least be the person she wants to be, god damn it. Fairest aren’t any more or less vulnerable to a toxic Court environment than other Lost, but they’re good at detecting it beforehand. Unfortunately they’re also good at telling themselves they can change it.

Spring - Though early Spring joiners are of course rare in general, Fairest are among those Lost who more commonly choose Spring as a first Court. Spring’s highly social focus and chaotic internal organization is almost tailor-made for the skill set of your average Fairest, but therein too lies a sense of threat; for many Fairest, Spring can remind them of their Durance, and their joining of the Court is as much motivated by fear of a powerful cultural body as it is by any genuine Desire, maybe even more so. Many such Fairest end up caught in Spring’s middle-road trap, spinning their wheels without recovering or worsening more or less until they finally die, but when Autumn can sniff out the fearful ones it puts a lot of work into cooperating with Spring to get them out and where they can be helped.

Summer - More Fairest dabble with Summer for dreams of glory, or because they want to believe in Summer’s apolitical sales pitch, than ultimately stick with Summer. Those that do stay often serve as officers, as the Sun’s Tongue or the Arrayer of Distant Thunder, and as Court sorcerers. Fairest skilled in Contracts of Separation can make for surprising Jaegers, hounding their prey down more like a private investigator or a serial killer than a traditional hunter, but while striking this is fairly rare. Fairest who stick with Summer are those who are looking for its high ideals and are often among those rare Summer Courtiers who can competently articulate both those ideals and their pitfalls without falling prey to cynicism and bitterness.

Autumn - For those Fairest who hurt others to feel safe, Autumn is waiting. The Leaden Mirror can be attractive to young Fairest because it’s easy to perceive Autumn as atomized, defined by personal relationships rather than webs of political influence, but when the Fairest discovers those webs the existence of Option Two: Resort To Violence as an acceptable tool to the Ashen Court is perversely reassuring rather than threatening. The image of the Fairest as a witch, tempting and threatening, clings to them in Autumn but it’s honestly not their most common role; Autumn employs its Fairest as rumor-mongers, the Other Woman who seems a little too familiar with your husband, therapists & counselors, oneiromancers, and ambassadors to Hedge communities. The work Autumn does is harsh on Clarity, and Fairest are especially vulnerable to that harshness, but if the Court invests the time in helping its Fairest members, the self-awareness and self-confidence it offers can be a godsend that no other Court can give them.

Winter - As the Court which is actually selling what Fairest think Autumn has - to wit, the ability to simply say “no” to all social interactions with no justification required - Winter has a strong undercurrent of Fairest membership at all tiers of its power. Fairest often end up directly involved in Winter’s money-making enterprises, and flourish as Squires and Armigers with their fingers on the pulse of the Court’s morale. Winter’s hands-off approach displays a tremendous amount of trust in its Fairest from their perspective, and the demeanor of the Coldest Court - Winter’s indifferent equality - has a potent, merciless appeal. The trap of drowning in Sorrow sucks more than a few Fairest under, but if their peers can be there for them there’s always a way back out.

This Is Not A Pipe - Fairest And Lost’s Themes

My many thanks to Izzie M for her extensive help on this section. I’m not sure I’d have been able to grapple it down, emotionally or intellectually, otherwise.

Fairest go through some intense shit, and the shit they go through can never fully be addressed, never fully be recovered from. It’s no mistake that Fairest, like Wizened, are among those Lost likely to never fully gain resolution with or from their Keeper, and this is because they embody the dark truth that no matter how much progress you make, how much you heal, your trauma has changed who you are as a person and you will be dealing with it until you die. But, as alluded to extensively above in the discussion of Fairest and gender, Fairest also embody the way in which society will attempt to stamp you, mold you, turn you into a product to be consumed or an archetype to be placed into its churning machine, and its attempts to reshape who and what you are and can be are, in themselves, a form of trauma and abuse.

Fairest deal a lot in expectations. They’re expected to be perfect victims, they’re expected to be happy (because they’re beautiful and attractive, because they can front as Doing Okay, because they have a form of access to ‘normal’ society), they’re expected to want romance and sex (since everyone else wants those things out of them), to perform emotional labor, to be available, intimate, understanding, to keep up appearances. Fairest escape the chains of their Keeper only to be clapped in the chains that extend into the eyes and minds of their peers, and they cannot move without hearing the clink of them.

Fairest are primed to represent victims of ongoing emotional abuse and neglect; sex slaves and victims of child abuse might find themselves in Fairest, as might husbands or wives of abusive partners (and boy, re-living my bullshit there was a bonus prize I didn’t want to receive for writing this article), children pushed to over-achieve (here overlapping with Elemental) until they break, pastor’s daughters and cult kids (here overlapping with Beast), and others. However, Fairest also hit their thematic stride when talking about trauma from a society that will not give you an exit. A trans person is first punished by society for “failing” to perform their assigned gender, then made to perform their new one to expectations that they cannot set, do not control, and do not consent to; such a person might easily be Fairest, as might a man breaking under the expectations of Maleness, a college student losing their mind in finals week with no one to help, or even more ‘ordinary’ sex workers expected to perform emotional and physical labor for a society that rewards their work with violence and dehumanization.

Fairest are people with complex internal worlds and they damn well know it, but the temptations to let others define them are numerous; society promises all manner of rewards for being who and what it wants you to be, for wanting the things it tells you to want, for being the kind of person who wants and does those things. To be Fairest is to know at any time you can start faking it and receive those rewards insofar as they’re actually on the table, but it is also to know, every second of every day that you’re performing that role, that it is fake. If you can’t find a community with which you can be genuine...well. You can always get more hurt, and in this way Fairest also bring another theme of Lost into focus: that the Lost owe compassion and understanding to their fellow victims, because failure to care can only hurt both them and everyone in their blast zone.

Feet Pics For Legos - Coping As A Fairest

Fairest are among those Lost who are most concerned with their day-to-day social interactions and safety rather than their immediate, very physical environmental safety. They are perhaps the Seeming most likely to live in a group setting (in an apartment with roommates or romantic partners, in a house shared between multiple households, splitting the bills in a condo, with their parents), and are definitely the Seeming most comfortable with the idea of living with mortals who aren’t ensorcelled. Indeed, Fairest don’t tend to do well living alone; even a Fairest who wants or needs a private place to be, choosing to keep a home in which others cannot lay a claim, will likely crash at friends’ places, sleep over at the Freehold commons on some pretext or another, stay the night with a lover, or otherwise have a place to flop down while surrounded by other people. Having other people - their greatest reality check - around the place helps keep the Fairest centered in the real reality, better able to pick apart the mortal from the Wyrd from their own unrelated hallucinations, and a Fairest who is isolated - or who is permitted to isolate herself - quickly begins to dissociate and may soon be incapable of caring for herself until someone can get her back into the present.

Those invited over as guests to a Fairest’s home may note a lot of concern for those she lives with. She likely schedules the event well in advance, is clear about the boundaries of those she lives with (”That’s Brenda’s room, the door stays shut.”) and in general treats her communal home with a lot of respect and love. Respecting these boundaries and in turn having her own respected is very validating for the Fairest and is vital to be able to feel safe and at ease in her own home, and impressing their importance on guests further reinforces that this is, as it were, her doughnut. While not dismissive of their own literal physical safety per se, a Fairest’s anxieties rarely center around her body being violently attacked by strangers. For those that do have such anxieties, they may choose to solve that problem by simple expedient of rooming or living with someone large and scary.

Another detail of note which is touched on in Winter Masques is that Fairest tend to seek out life’s little pleasures. Though they are not necessarily wealthier than other Lost, how a Fairest chooses to spend her money tends to follow particular patterns. Rare is the Fairest who doesn’t have clothing they like, a phone that works, a wallet or purse that can actually hold all of their stuff, and in this regard most Fairest without a special interest in fashion as a hobby in and of itself will have an aesthetic that is self-expressive but serviceable and hard-wearing, but any place the Fairest haunts, frequents, or lives in will get little touches everywhere. Fairest spend the little bits of extra money for good toilet paper, soft soaps that won’t hurt the skin, good shower supplies, high-quality razors, boots that won’t wear through - and they spend their serious money on their hobbies and preferences. A Fairest with a passion for cooking scrimps and saves to get a fully-stocked kitchen; a Fairest who likes building and connecting invests in Legos or Hot Wheels and creates elaborate environments for them. A gamer Fairest has headphones that can vibrate your constipation away and a fiber optic connection to ensure that lag will not stand between her and your doom. The reasons for this are manifold, and Lost’s canon writing suggests that Fairest seek pleasure to alleviate a desire to return to Arcadia. This is, to put it mildly, a stupid assertion; rather, the Fairest provides her own pleasures in part because it is one of the most emotionally clear ways to lick the doughnut, and in part because it reminds her that she can be happy under her own power, can seek pleasure, stimulation, engagement, without placing herself at another’s mercy - ironically making it easier to go out every day and do exactly that as a member of her various societies.

As a Fairest settles in she tends to look for “her” people, and quite often they’re good at compartmentalizing this, wearing different hats and having different feelings about those hats without feeling fake or distressed about the bare fact of that. She’ll have her personal friends and family, like her housemates, her girlfriend, maybe her mortal family, her neighbors, and then folks like her Motley (which are like her personal friends and family, but In The Know), her fellow Fairest and the Freehold broadly, her work friends and fellow hobbyists. A Fairest who does, say, sex work, thinks of herself as a Sex Worker and understands herself in the context of that broader social group. It can be a lot! Many Lost barely have a handle on being a member of both the Freehold and a Court, and the way Fairest flit to and fro between many communities, slipping seamlessly from one role to another, can be exhausting to watch - but by doing so the Fairest also builds bonds between those communities, highlights their common needs and interests, draws them together over their similarities and strengths. Darklings and Wizened get a lot of the work on the ground done, but it’s often a Fairest in the role of whistleblower, figurehead, and champion all at once.

After all, this, too, is her doughnut.

Example Fairest - Clara Belltower, Spring Playmate

Clara Belltower is a mime.

Well, no, not exactly. Clara Belltower is a self-employed porn actress, erotic script writer, and director, whose primary thing is mimes, clowns, and more broadly circuses and performance venues. She came back from Arcadia eight years back fleeing life as her Keeper’s Stepford Wife, and ran face-first into the money issues that haunt the Lost in general. What started out as a practical choice in new career - and an attempt to find and express an identity not created for her by her abuser - became a creative passion that has stayed strong with Clara and propelled her to status in the Spring Court, which retains her keen eye for decoration, direction, and theatricality in service to its high rituals and revels. Clara’s livestreams and online presence are also a convenient avenue for the Freehold to launder its less legal revenue streams, which has endeared Spring’s “silent siren” to the Winter Court and cemented her as a mover and shaker.

Clara’s ambitions reach beyond erotic miming, as talented as she is at both creating and purveying such. She has her eyes on four different strip clubs in Freehold territory alone whose owners and operators need to fucking go, and she wants Winter’s help making it happen; further, she wants the Freehold to take over operation of those establishments for the benefit of the workers. Clara’s vision is popular in Spring and has its supporters in Summer too, but the Declining Seasons have been cool on the concept, citing a need to maintain subtlety and avoid entanglements with the mortal world that might invite the eye of, say, the IRS - or mire the Freehold in a protracted war with local police departments. Clara’s passion burns with a righteous simplicity, envisioning a Freehold that is active in improving the city around it - if the cops want to throw down, bring it on! Her influence over Winter means the Coldest Court cannot simply dismiss her desires, but neither is it willing to go to war. Something is going to have to give, soon.

This concludes the Fairest portion of the article. Some additional thoughts on Seeming follow.

Bombing Your Own Position - Choosing Your Seeming

So it’s been six articles and I’ve talked about the ways various Seemings can represent responses to the things which traumatize us; neurodivergences for which society abuses us, the machinery of capitalism, violence, prison, and more. But how do you go about choosing your character’s Seeming? The obvious choice is to make a character that puts a lot of yourself at the table; to seek out a Seeming that reflects your own traumas, your own issues, your own anxieties and struggles, and then grapple with them in this fictional context. But RPGs can be an emotionally challenging medium, and you may well not want to deal with your own bullshit during your magic trauma fairy game. That’s valid!

Now, the second obvious piece of advice is to think about your proposed character’s themes and traumas and then select a Seeming from there, but this can get complicated. Many Lost players feel as if they need two Seemings, and to those players I say: no the fuck you do not. But it is true that people are messy and do not fully resolve, that the broad spectrum of the world of sorrow and loss is not easy to fit into 6 discrete categories whose creation was often managed by, not to keep repeating this point, fucking Nazis. I have found in my experience that it can be helpful, when you’re torn between two Seemings or you have a character you’re sure is this Seeming even though they look like or could be that one, to ask yourself why the character is not the other option. Why is this alluring and sensual Darkling not a Fairest, what makes this brutal and violent Wizened not an Ogre? This question naturally leads to others about their abuse and their reaction to it, and can start your momentum for writing your concept out.

As an addition, while I’ve spoken of various Seemings as being well-equipped to represent specific traumas, they don’t own those traumas. Elementals are metaphorically autistic, but there’s nothing stopping you from running an autistic Fairest or an autistic Beast instead. Rather, those Seemings outlined as being “for” or “about” certain traumas are those whose selection will make those traumas thematically central, cause you to return to them as a topic over and over by virtue of being who and what they are. Real people have complicated problems which intersect with one another, spawning new problems that are more strange than the sum of their parts, and it’s both valid and interesting to write your Lost that way - just keep in mind that it’ll still be complicated at the table too.

Van Helsing Hate Crimes - Seeming Politics

White Wolf spent a lot of time waffling back and forth on whether or not Seemings represent distinct cultural and political identities in a given Freehold, drifting towards ‘yes’ when the writers thought about the way Blessings and Curses create consistent, measurable differences between Lost of various Seemings, and towards ‘no’ generally whenever they were asked to actually outline a Lost society such as a sample Freehold or Entitlement. Some Entitlements are locked to specific Seemings, often times with little thought as to why, while other times Seeming-based power blocs are alluded to as worldbuilding elements (such as in Lords of Summer) without much in the way of supporting detail. Why should these things happen, when, how, what does the buildup of this violent fracture in a Freehold society look like?

On the whole, I have taken the stance in these articles and in my own worldbuilding that some amount of fantastical prejudice exists amongst the Lost, but that the systems of oppression have not taken root. Maybe it’s idealistic of me to view the Lost as unwilling or unable to produce internally racist power structures that create an underclass for the benefit of an appointed elite, but in general I feel as if Freeholds are too small, each individual member too precious by simple dint of being a living being in a physical body, for this kind of evil to flourish. That said, you may have also noticed that I identified two Seemings - Darklings and Fairest - as explicitly self-uniting and in some senses self-governing on the basis of common traumas that they often cannot fully explain to outsiders, and indeed community with people that understand your bullshit without you having to say it aloud - that is, those who share a Seeming with you - can be invaluable to all Lost. Ultimately, however, I want to advise against looking at Seemings the way that, say, Vampire: the Requiem looks at Clans, and instead to treat them as reactions to trauma rather than a kind of alternate racial identity.

Next up: So You Need To Write A Fetch

[canary3d-obsessed]

Restless Rewatch: The Untamed Episode 18, second part

(Masterpost) (Other Canary Stuff) (Previous Post)

Warning: Spoilers for All 50 Episodes!

Hey OP where’s the funny header gif for this post? Sorry, it was murdered by an angst demon and the framing of these shots.

My Found Family Came to Find Me

Continuing our flashback from last time, we see Baby Wei Ying up a tree, refusing to come down because he's afraid there are dogs. Eventually he falls out of the tree, like a dumbass a child, and Yanli tries but fails to catch him. 

Unlike his grownup counterpart, Baby Wei Ying doesn't pretend he's unhurt when he is hurt. I'd like to put the change at Yu Ziyuan's door, but actually he admits to being hurt during his Gusu summer - he mimics Lan Zhan's stoicism when they're getting beaten, but it doesn't come naturally to him, and he whines a lot afterwards. 

By the time of the Animatronic Dog incident, however, he's laughing off obvious injuries that have secret trauma behind them. By the time he comes back, coreless, from the burial mounds, he won't confide in anyone about his hurts any more, except possibly Wen Qing.

Yanli carries Wei Ying, in a sequence that will be echoed much later in his life when Lan Zhan carries him (gifset here). While they head back, she tells him that Jiang Cheng has a bad temper and to ignore whatever mean things he says. This will also be echoed in the future, when Wei Wuxian says it to Lan Zhan after their argument with Jiang Cheng in the shrine.

Yanli also explains that Jiang Cheng loved his dogs and that he's been very sad since Jiang Fengmian sent them away, demonstrating once again that Jiang Fengmian is a terrible father. Yanli says that Jiang Cheng will be happy to have a friend with him, though. This kind of makes Wei Wuxian's role in Jiang Cheng's life "replacement dog."

Jiang Cheng, after getting over this particular snit, got worried about Wei Wuxian and woke up Yanli to find him, and then went wandering around in the dark like a dumbass a child, and is banged up and crying when the other two find him. Yanli encourages him to apologize to Wei Wuxian and he does, which will not happen again until the very end of the show.  

They all smile and laugh together, as Wei Ying looks to Yanli to guide him through the insanity that his life has suddenly become. 

(more behind the cut!)

They head back to Lotus Pier in a sweet montage of walking and smiling together, with Jiang Cheng carrying the world's most beautiful candle holder with the world's most wind-resistant candle in it, to light their way back. Back in the present day for a brief moment, Jiang Cheng pretends to sleep and listens to his sister insisting that the three of them should always stay together, while a single tear rolls down the side of his face.

Soup is Love, Chapter 1 of 1000

Then we head to the past again. In Jiang Cheng & Wei Ying's now-shared room, Wei Ying sits on the bed trying to figure out how to deal with his grumpy new roommate.

Wei Ying is unsure what to do when confronted with pajama game this strong. Tiny Jiang Cheng is already a fashion king. 

Then he tells Jiang Cheng he's not going to narc him out to the clan leader, since it was his own fault that he hurt his leg. This is all Jiang Cheng needs to hear to decide Wei Ying is all right, and he says that he will help Wei Ying chase away dogs in the future.  In fact, Wei Wuxian will protect Jiang Cheng from punishment basically forever, while Jiang Cheng will continue to threaten Wei Wuxian with dogs...forever.

They shake hands on their new understanding and then jump up and down laughing, Wei Ying's leg being all better now, apparently.  When Yanli arrives (carrying a tray of...can you guess? I'll let you guess), they stop jumping. Wei Ying dives in to give Jiang Cheng a little tickle/embrace in an adorable moment that would have me saying "oh, my ovaries!" if I hadn't surgically sent my ovaries to hell a few years ago.

Yanli introduces Wei Ying to the emotional and gustatorial miracle that is her lotus and ribs soup. He hesitates a long time before tucking in because he's so unused to being fed.

Consent? I Don’t Even Know Her

The flashback wraps up with Yanli conked out on the table from the drugs in the incense burner, while Wei Wuxian, who is somehow unaffected despite sitting almost as close to the smoke as she was, checks on her. Jiang Cheng and his Uggs period-appropriate sock thingies get out of bed to come stand with Wei Wuxian, and have feelings about sending Yanli away after she JUST said she doesn't want to be parted from them.

Wei Wuxian: If she didn't want us to do this, she shouldn't have signed that blanket consent-to-medical-treatment form.   Jiang Cheng: Wen Qing made me sign one of those plus a durable power of attorney, is that bad?

This episode is all about people overriding each others' agency and making massively important decisions without the consent of the people who will be affected. But in a feudal context, it's not a violation, no matter how it feels to the person being controlled. In feudal life, your body belongs to your lord -- your sect leader, in the world of CQL. Jiang Yanli and Jiang Cheng's choices are overridden by their clan leader's final command to Wei Wuxian.  Wei Wuxian's core is arguably Jiang Fengmian's property--Wei Wuxian certainly sees it that way, just as his hand was Yu Ziyuan's to take if she wished.  

The brothers tenderly tuck Yanli into bed in the rolly cart and hand her off to Song Lan. They talk about how important it is to get her to Lanling and that she's probably going to be mad, as they thank Song Lan for helping them. 

Yanli listens while she sleeps and, in what is becoming a trademark Jiang move, lets a single tear roll down the side of her face. Jiang Cheng points out that Yanli never gets mad at Wei Wuxian and Wei Wuxian is like, true dat.

How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?

Song Lan is always so emotional about every damn thing, I love him. Here he's like OH GOD NO DON'T FORMALLY THANK ME! STOP!!!

Then he starts to ask Wei Wuxian to pass a message to Song Xingchen for him, but then decides not to say anything, making it super obvious that they fought and aren't together. 

Wei Wuxian reacts to this with confusion and distress, probably because he doesn't want to imagine ever having a breakup with his own soulmate. Which he soon will be having.  But possibly he's just upset that his OTP broke up.

After Song Lan takes off, Jiang Cheng gives Wen Qing a rude & perfunctory thank-you bow, turning away before she can return it. Wei Wuxian tells her not to take it to heart - basically everyone who deals with Jiang Cheng gets a version of the "ignore what he says" speech. She says she understands and that in his place she would have behaved worse, which is so totally not true.  

Then she asks Wei Wuxian if he's sure about the core transfer (not in so many words, because the script is being kind of being vague about it, without actually hiding what's happening). His reply pretty much encapsulates the whole Wei Wuxian experience.

Then he and Jiang Cheng walk off, with Jiang Cheng giving us a rear view that had me googling Wang Zhuocheng's fashion shoots to determine if that wagon he's draggin’ is really as delightful as this belt makes it look. Alas, there is not a wealth of photographic evidence for this research, as compared to, for example, photos of Xiao Zhan's outstanding ass.

Wen Qing and Wen Ning see them off, with Wen Qing wishing they valued their lives more. Although, what she and Wen Ning are doing is massive treason, so their lives will be pretty much forfeit if they're caught, so...

The Sunshot Campaign of Like 60 Dudes

Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng walk up the mountain for the whole beginning of the Sunshot campaign, which...okay. Maybe it's like Dunkirk or The Witcher where they intercut stuff that is happening in different timeframes, which is one of my least favorite new film style thingies.

You know, for a guy Wei Wuxian constantly calls "peacock," Jin Ziyuan really doesn't wear a lot of adornment; just some subtle metalwork on his belt with no dangly bits at all, and a single reasonably-sized hair crown. Compared to the extremely fancy Lan Wangji he's almost plain. We already know that Wei Wuxian is a massive hypocrite when it comes to his idea of a perfect boy, however.

So, this is the Lanling Jin army, which consists of literally 60 guys, including the ones on the stairs and Jin Zixuan and Douchebag Dad. How are they going to fight a war with this tiny group? Why do they have such a big plaza? Hasn't anybody on this production learned CGI cloning?

That’s better.

Nie Mingjue and his best bitch Baxia make quick work of the 4 Wen guys who were assigned to hold the Unclean Realm. 

Hello, Daddy Da-Ge!

Squeeee, it's Lan Wangji! He's taking back Cloud Recesses! Ooooohhh we've missed you Lan Wangji.

Look guys he's here! Look how beautiful he is. He's looking at the gate of cloud recesses and thinking thoughts that Lan Xichen or Wei Wuxian could probably see in his bewitching eyes if they were here to see him, which they aren't. But at least he is here!

....and now he's gone again. *cries*

Hares On The Mountains

Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian continue roaming prettily around this pretty mountainside. The locations in this show are such eye candy. 

Young laddies they run like hares on the mountains Young laddies they run like hares on the mountains  Young laddies they run like hares on the mountains  If I was a young lass I’d soon go a hunting

Jiang Cheng starts to have doubts about the whole Baoshan Sanren thing. Wei Wuxian's reply pretty much encapsulates the whole Wei Wuxian experience.  

Then we have just the tenderest blindfolding scene, (more gifs here), which is fodder for your ChengXian dreams, if you have those.

Here's a good place for a sidebar about what is and isn't incest. Whee! In the CDrama context, relationships tend to be more clearly defined than in western media. The mechanism of confession & acceptance means that people either are or are not in a romantic relationship, with few grey areas. So a character can literally say "we grew up as brother and sister, but now we are dating" and when someone looks startled they just say "there's no blood relation" and everyone is like "cool cool" and that's the new definition of the relationship.

For a strong example of this, the extremely wonderful Go Ahead is about a contemporary family in which a girl and two boys, who are not blood relatives, are all raised together, and call each other brother and sister. When they become adults, they and everyone around them expect the girl (now a woman) to marry one of the two men who have been her brothers, while whichever one she doesn't choose will carry on as her sibling. It's treated as the most natural, logical thing in the world; the only question is whether she wants to make that transition, and with whom.

Looked at through this lens, Wei Wuxian's relationships with his adoptive siblings have just as much potential to turn into romances as his relationships with his friends do, and there's nothing creepy about it. As such you can expect my meta to always get into ChengXian moments without treating it as a wrong or forbidden love. Hopeless, of course, because Jiang Cheng is such a prick the power of WangXian is stronger, but that's a different matter.

What is wrong is wearing this fantastic hat & veil combination when the most fashionable person on the mountain is blindfolded and can't see it.

In the course of this blindfolded encounter with Wen Qing, Jiang Cheng gets to kneel before a powerful woman, be led along by a length of silk that's placed in his hand, and then knocked the fuck out and operated on. He'll wake up in a hotel room in a tub full of ice with "we took your kidney" written on the mirror in lipstick, and he'll love every minute of it.  

Soundtrack: 1. Still Fighting it, by Ben Folds 2. Hares on the Mountain, by Steeleye Span

Writing Prompt: The NEXT time somebody blindfolds Jiang Cheng

[astermacguffin]

The semantic logic of AMVs

I finally finished the post I promised to @katebushstandean , so here's my contribution to the blossoming field of spn amv studies.

In this post I made about fanworks and intertextuality, I argued that AMVs can be referred to as a "discourse between discourses." What I meant by that (and I elaborated on this in the post) can be summarized in this argument structure:

(1) AMVs are typically a dialogue/discourse between a song and a show/film.

(2) A song is already a discourse of its own (i.e. it's the dialogue between music and lyrics).

(2) A show/film is already a discourse of its own (i.e. it's the dialogue between the visual and auditory elements of the show/film).

(C) Therefore, AMVs are typically a discourse between discourses.

I want to push this argument even further and argue for a more generalized theory of meaning that should (ideally) be applicable to any piece of media.

LAYING THE FOUNDATION

Let's start by analyzing at least just one medium at a time. Take music, for example. Without lyrics, how does music convey meaning at all? Now, I won't go too much into either music theory or the psychology/sociology of music (since I don't think I'll be able to give these subjects any justice anyway), but I want us to look at music more structurally/linguistically. (I am certainly not a linguist, but I am a training logician and I think it would be interesting to extract the logical/semantic relations that occur in music if we treat it as a "text".)

If we want to break down music into its smallest possible units of meaning (the same way we break down language into morphemes in morphology), then we would probably end up with notes, beats, and chords as our basic units (among other stuff, like timbre). Obviously, we cannot subject music to the same reductionist approach we do with either natural or formal languages (e.g. breaking down language into morphemes/propositions/subject-predicate relations/functions).

This is due to the fact that music doesn't really agree that much with the principle of compositionality—that "the meaning of the whole is a function of the meanings of its parts and their mode of syntactic combination." (If you disagree with Montague semantics, you might even argue that the same is true for natural languages and that only formal languages are truly compositional, but I digress). Generally, there is "more than the sum of its parts" when it comes to music; the meanings of a chord don't solely depend on the meanings of the individual notes that make up the chord.

Anyway, back to music and meaning-making.

Yip Harburg has this interesting quote on songwriting, which Adam Neely references here at this mark (15:29–16:10), a quote he originally got from Ben Levin. The quote says: "Music makes you feel feelings, lyrics make you think thoughts, songs make you feel thoughts." I think this quote best encompasses what I mean when I argue that songs are "discourses" of their own.

But even without the lyrics, music on its own is already "discursive." A single note played once doesn't really "mean" much, in the sense that we can't really gather as much meaning out of it alone. The note's relationships with other musical elements is what opens up the realms of meanings that we can attribute to it. (This concept is explored much better in here.)

The same thing is true with natural languages. Morphemes and words have meanings on their own, sure, but they don't really say that much on their own until you place them in a specific order with other morphemes/words. A single sentence is already a discourse between the units of meaning that compose the sentence.

I have been using the term "discourse" a lot, but what do I mean when I use the term? Without spending too much time explaining my own theory of discourse, let's define a discourse as a "series of discursive units." A discursive unit consists of two parts: a prompt and a response. What's important to know about responses in a discourse is that you won't really be able to fully grasp what they mean without knowing what the prompts are (i.e. what they are responding to).

When I describe song and lyrics as "discourses", what I think I really mean is that they are "discourse-like" (hence the description, "discursive"). The words of a sentence treat each other as their own prompts/responses; they're not as meaningful alone, but when taken together, meaning emerges. The same goes with music.

Taking this to a more macro scale, we can treat each episode of a show as their own discourses, and each episode "responds" to the others in some way. The harmonies, tensions, and contradictions that emerge from the "conversations" between these episodes are what we often respond to when we make fanworks (fanart, fanfics, meta, and the likes).

Generally, there are two kinds of "conversations" that happens within and among pieces of media:

The intra-discursive (the conversations that happen within a single text, like how a show's episodes converse with each other), and;

The inter-discursive (also called the intertextual, or the conversations that happen between different texts).

Now that we have established these terms and concepts, we're FINALLY talking about AMVs.

THE DEAL WITH AMVS

I've already touched upon this in my intertextuality post, but it's worth repeating. What I believe AMVs do is reveal the intra-discursive using the inter-discursive. What this means is that by making the subject text converse with other texts (e.g. by making clips from Supernatural "dialogue" with a song of your choice), you are somehow extracting the implicit discourses present in the original text.

When we talk about fanworks (and transformative works in general), we often talk about it in terms of recontextualization, as well as adding something new that wasn't there in the original text (e.g. fix-its). But a neglected aspect of fanworks that I believe AMVs bring to light is the revelatory power of fanworks, like the way it makes the people (may it be the audience or the original creators) confront the implications and implicit meanings already present in the text.

(Learn more about the semantic logic of AMVs below the cut)

Another interesting thing that AMVs do is that it often makes the subject text subservient to the song. More often than not, it's the show that has to adjust to the song; it's the show that has to be sliced and diced in order to fit the song. This is simultaneously a form of violence and a form of liberation—violent in the sense that goes against authorial intent (with "author" here used loosely to refer to the forces that brought the piece to life, may it be a single person or an entire production team) and liberating in the sense that the latent or supressed narratives are brought to light.

Even before the AMV is done, this discursive process is already made explicit by the act of editing. In most editing softwares, you get to see the timeline of your material and an explicit divide between the audio and the visual elements. The audio stream is already a discourse of its own, and the same goes with the video stream.

When you vertically slice these juxtaposed streams and cut out a portion of it, you now have what I call a "semantic moment" locked in time. We can imagine the audio being divided into these little semantic moments (e.g. the chords, a key change, a shift in dynamics or tempo, etc.) and something similar can be said with the video (e.g. vital scenes in the show). Now, a semantic moment doesn't have to be special or eventful; in fact, most of them aren't. In fact, all of experience is nothing but a series of semantic moments (i.e. moments of extractable meaning).

Now, imagine an AMV playing in front of you right now. Let's represent the audio as a series of semantic moments from A1 to An and do something similar to the video, from V1 to Vn. If we represent the flow of time from left to right, then we can talk abstractly about experiencing an AMV like this:

A1-A2-A3-A4-A5...-An

V1-V2-V3-V4-V5...-An

Every moment of our experience of the AMV can be divided into a series like this. AMVs are art objects that unfold over time: they are temporal, and therefore we cannot immediately access all parts of the semantic "discourse" of the text all at once—we have to wait for them to happen.

Let's say I want to analyze Semantic Moment number 6 because something interesting happens there: the chord suddenly shifts into a minor key while at the same time, the video shows a character turning their back to the camera. Now, there are three possible ways to handle this (none of which are mutually exclusive; we usually perform these modes of analysis simultaneously):

Vertical analysis - analyzing the discourse between A6 and V6. What meanings are brought up when we take these two elements in conjunction? What associations do we have with minor keys, with people turning around, and how these associations influence the other?

Horizontal analysis - analyzing the discourse between A6 and its earlier counterparts, A1-A5, or between V6 and V1-V5. Earlier, we have discussed that a single chord or a single word on its own doesn't mean that much; it's their relationships with other elements that bring out their "meaning space." What "narratives" or "metaphorical gestures" are brought upon when you consider these semantic moments as discourses/texts as a whole?

Diagonal analysis - analyzing the discourse between A6 and V1-V5, or between V6 and A1-A5. Here, you make the semantic moment converse with the "history" of its counterpart. What are the events that happened in the earlier parts? For example, knowing that the earlier parts of the song were in major key before the turn-around scene might influence our reading of it. Similarly, knowing that the earlier scenes depict a happy relationship might influence how we read the minor shift.

Again, we often do these analytic slices as quick as possible (and often simultaneously); it's not something that we often do consciously (unless the subject text is actually that dense and difficult). It's instinctual to us to bring up these comparisons and engage with the explicit and implicit discourses of meaning happening with any kind of text we interact with.

Now, here's where it gets more complicated. Unless the AMV in question is just a scene lifted from the show and overlaid with a song, it would usually involve a bunch of cutting and joining between different scenes/episodes. What this means is that you're taking an already temporal object and reassembling it into a new order in time. This means that we might've initially thought of as V1-V2-V3-V4-V5...Vn might actually be V3-V1-V6-V19-V8...Vn or some other permutation.

Again, this process is simultaneously violent and liberating—violent because you are destroying its intended order, and liberating because you are negating the tyranny of linearity and contiguity. What I mean by this is that people tend to focus on the discourse of the semantic moments depending on how close they are in space and time. For example, we might focus on how V1 is in dialogue with V2 and how V2 is in dialogue with V3, but the farther the semantic moments are, the less likely we are to notice their discourse.

What AMV editors do is rebel against the tyranny of this habit and bring into light the connections that might have gone unnoticed without the intervention. We often talk about how certain fanworks are more analytical than transformative (e.g. fanfics that function more as character studies and meta analyses of the source text), and there certainly is a spectrum of this among different genres of fanworks. I believe that AMVs, no matter how transformative they are, cannot help but invoke a certain analyticity in their production and reception.

And that concludes my AMV essay. I'll probably add more to this when I gather more thoughts (like how these three posts are related in some way).

Lemme know if y'all wanna hear more about my theory of discourse or something else related. Support your content creators and reblog!

[pinepickled-om]

Michael!

My take on our mysterious older brother!

Made with Baydews Picrew!

Some info on him under the cut~

His hair is like a thermometer. In the Celestial Realm it is the shade to the top, in the Devildom it is the shade to the bottom.

He is the eldest angel, the very first! There is also a sizeable gap between he and the other "first" angels, i.e. Gabriel, Metatron, and Raphael! (Who will all be getting their own posts sooner or later.)

Michael took care of most to all of the brothers for a very long time on his own, and this has resulted in his nicknames ranging from "boobewey" (Blueberry) "sparkly" "brubba" (brother) and "tch" (Lucifer).

He has a very mellow personality. Not one to start fights or confront, but he does have a tendency to rub people the wrong way by simply refusing to take social cues. He /can/ but he doesn't want to. Why must you imply what you could simply say?

Michael is also like 8ft tall

He doesn't believe he has a favorite brother, and perhaps he doesn't, but many think that it is clear that Lucifer is his beloved. How true this theory is, on the other hand...

He has star freckles! Michael is supposed to represent the sky while my MC, Arbor, represents the Earth. He has many appearances in Arbor's story where the sky theme is painfully obvious. What can I say, I'm indulgent.

Mammon, as a baby, used to sit on Michael's chest and pick out his favorite constellations. Michael would then pull the skies until those arrangements were directly overhead, and Mammon would squeal with happiness.

Now that he is grown, it frightens Mammon greatly to imagine a being- no, his brother being so powerful that moving the heavens themself barely made him break a sweat.

There was a saying in the Celestial Realm- "Don't look at him twice- you'll see a different man each time." It means that you shouldn't try to look too deeply into Michael's actions or words, as you will get a different result each time you turn it over and try to gather more information. This has greatly contributed to the mystery around Michael in all three realms. No being truly knows who 'Michael' is- you shouldn't look at him twice, after all.

He and another OC of mine, Cassiel, both have black wings. They were the ones who originally had this color, long before Lucifer even dreamed of falling. Cassiel has a dry, reddish black, with hints of gray scattered within his feathers. Michael's wings are a deep black, with blue gradients and stars embedded in his wings. When Lucifer fell, it was Michael's wings that replaced his previous white ones.

There was, however, a rumor that circulates around the Celeatial Realm in hushed whispers and in the dead of night. That Michael's wings weren't always this way. That once upon a time, his wings were a blinding white lined with gold, so magnificent in their purity that the humans ingrained their image into their minds and carved all angelic wings in his likeness. No one knows what happened, and no one can fathom what had done such a thing either.

Has very :3 energy but only Raphael can see it

Michael also pushed Lucifer. He doesn't regret it in the slightest, and frankly, doesn't let Lucifer try and rag on him for it. What were u gonna do bitch boy? Rule heaven? Reform God?

Michael was here first, get your own damn realm to rule.

Not to say that Michael runs things exactly how God planned. No, Michael has an agenda and it sums up to "please shut the fuck up about sins and holiness Gabriel i will kill you. On God."

But he's classy, dw.

Has a house in the Devildom for unknown reasons.

The Demon King (not Diavolo, Diavolo's dad, Nergal) likes him a whole lot.

Why is he so comfortable in the Devildom?

I dunno

Why would he possibly

Truly, it escapes me.

[kuronekonerochan]

Hi again....Do you mind if I ask a few questions?

Who is your fav main couple in mxtx novels (wangxian or hualian or bingqiu)? And why?

Who is your favorite love interest in MXTX three novels (luo binghe, lan wangji, or hua cheng)? And why?

And who is your favorite protagonist in MXTX three novels (shen qingqiu, wei wuxian or xie lian)? And why?

Sorry if you've answered this question before....

Fav Main Couple:

Emotionally, Wangxian bc sentimental reasons of reading it first. Objectively Hualian bc I love the sheer beatnik energy of Xie Lian being the prototype perfect model for Heaven Official as per JW’s wishes and then after graduating being all like “Nope, I don’t wanna climb the corporate ladder dad! I wanna go on the road and meet the real ppl and their struggles and explore the land!”... and then he meets his hot biker bad boy anarchist mafia boss boyfriend and all of evil wall street dad’s plans for him go to shit...and that’s beautiful.

Fav Love Interest:

Lan Wanji: I like tsundere disasters. LBH is too puppy love, HC is too cool (and secretly such an otaku lol). LWJ is the one who is constantly, silently, screwing up and freaking out about it. He is the messiest one and I love him. Also, and I know I’m in the minority here, characters whose only focus in life is their love interest lowkey freak me out. I mean, in fiction and if they are one of the MC’s it’s romantic, but imagine if it’s one sided...yikes. HC has a whole realm under his command but that is barely brought up in the novel (and they could elaborate on that, the thing is huge), LBH does everything for Shizun. LWJ is the only one who has more loyalties to consider, and while that is one of the things that holds him back and might contribute to the tragedy in MDZS, it also makes him the most interesting character. He has his brother and uncle, later on he has Shizui, and his actions, both when he holds back bc of his sect/family and when he chooses WWX over all of them...it has a lot more weight because he is the one out of the 3 ML’s whose choices come at bigger personal cost.

Fav Protagonist:

Wei Wu Xian: He’s the personification of disaster and that makes him so relatable. BQ is like a sassy best friend you love. XL is adorable and the type of character you want to hug and protect, but he’s not relatable, bc nobody is that kind and giving.

 WWX with his sense of justice, his rash decisions he eventually regrets (or not), his terrible memory, his adhd, his intentional flirting with ppl he doesn’t really want anything with just for the fun of it, and his “unintentional” flirting with the one he does, his obliviousness to love, his tendency to say everything is fine when it clearly isn’t, and the way he clearly avoids thinking about stuff as a coping mechanism, also the way he can stand up and speak his mind and be powerful to strangers but just lays down and takes all the verbal abuse from ppl closer to him (oh boy do I relate to this...not to my family thankfully, but I am usually such an outspoken person and then I let some “superiors” at work step all over me bc I don’t like confrontation and want to get along with everyone on my daily life)...and of course there’s the whole “I tried so hard to do things right, how did I end up ruining everything?”...There is just a lot of relatable and lovable things about WWX and his hopelessness does hit an emotional chord bc I think everyone has tried their best at some point in their lives and then had things turn out awful....and afterwards having to get up and move on. And yes, it’s all very wuxia and metaphorical, but all his attitudes post resurrection are so relatable: being ashamed, not wanting to be found by anyone he knew, later on after he was found just not wanting to talk about it and rather pretend it didn’t happen. Even the fact that the story ends and him and Jiang Cheng still aren’t ready to put it all behind them is relatable. There’s some relationships, some people, it’s going to take more time and more than one hard talk to fix things with. (See why I love WWX? his character makes me go all sappy and meta deep. I guess some of the stuff I said is also true for XL but he is like Jesus and I am much to petty to relate to him.)

[lgbtqia-representation]

Monogamous Trap

Monogamy is yet another game at people trying to continue the cycle of heteronormativity that sadly even the LGBTQIA community falls into the trap for. However, with powerful forces backing this idea ranging from religious doctrines to national laws, it is easy to understand why this entire realm of relationships is brandished.

Under the realm of non-monogamous relationships there are far more than most would like to acknowledge ranging from the number of partners to inherent rules. To start simply is the difference between “-somes” and polyamory. “Three- “, “four- “, etc. -somes are specifically used to reference the idea of an intercourse-based relationship that has little to do outside the bedroom. Pretty much any relationship that has aspects outside the bedroom is more likely to be referenced as a throuple or polyamorous relationship. There are obviously going to be people who do not use the “more standard” language so specifically asking someone about is the best bet in any situation.

Aside from just numbers there is also “attitude” towards the relationship. What I mean by this is whether it is “open” or “closed”, or perhaps somewhere in the middle. An open polyamorous relationship can have a few different concepts such as each individual partner can look for other partners or it might mean the relationship is open to adding new people to it. This concept might be hard to understand if you only view relationships as a line. Instead think about each individual letter in the alphabet and imagine those as ways to depict different relationship set ups, you might be getting close to the vast number of options out there.

Just based on all of that it almost becomes easier to understand why the community is so misunderstood. There is no guide nor clear idea of what any given relationship would look like. This is one of the big controversial issues as to why the community is not so accepted into LGBTQIA despite clearly being a sexual orientation. This community receives backlash from the queer community as well as from society itself, this is sadly one of the most outcasted sections. This even comes down to the fact that many within the community wonder if this should not be in the community because it should be its own category of identity, relationship style perhaps. In a way it is ironic that it is not considered its own category whereas when looking at the animal kingdom one of the earliest facts for any animal we learn about is what is its mating style- for life or season being one of the largest aspects to that question. So, if we analyze an animal's mating partners why are we so weird about humans having those same sorts of characteristics?

As I mentioned earlier, this could largely come down to the idea of laws and doctrines working to guide the perceptions of “normal” relationship styles. This is a concern for the whole of the LGBTQIA community and yet they cannot even find safety within that community. Despite same sex relationships being actively opposed in most religions, many within the relationships still actively practice, believe, or agree with the ideas presented in their previous religion. This is one of the reasons so many people think it is wrong. Other people completely misunderstand the fundamental concepts of a polyamorous relationship which is communication between all partners. Many people say that these sorts of relationships are simply an excuse to cheat on each other with no consequence. Whereas when examined and understood, these situations are heavily communicated about from beginning to end to ensure all partners are content and satisfied. If someone cheats, they are not protected by the polyamory umbrella if anything they disrupted the core values of the system.

One of my biggest struggles with this community is that lesbians and bisexuals are often overlooked in this community. There is a prevalence or assumption that only gays and straight women primarily operate these kinds of relationships. This dynamic is often turned into the idea that straight women simply want another guy or are willing to let their male partners experiment as opposed to women having this sexuality. Countless articles are written about why men should join a threesome at least once listing off all sorts of benefits, that I do agree with- but that are not dependent on sexual or gender identity. They included:

It forces you to work on jealousy issues.

It forces you to become a better communicator.

Can get different needs met by each partner.

Two heads are better than one (intellectually speaking)

Two Shoulders to cry on

Cuddling

Your family triples.

Your friend group expands exponentially.

You have an additional hand parenting.

The sex

(Zane)

On the other hand, Females simply looking into this community are deemed to be “sleeping with enemy” which erases the entire concept of a three women relationship, which is entirely possible. This also works to marginalize female bisexuals despite them being approximately 60% of the bisexual population.

This sadly more comes back to gay men being fetishized as well as being more accepted in society due to them being a larger percent from the beginning. Also, celebrity inclusion, with many stars and actors suddenly coming out as being part of throuple with two, if not three, males, exposure is distinctively increasing for them while women are seemingly at a standstill. Stars like, Frankie Grande, brother of pop sensation Ariana Grande, even publicly announced his participation in one of these relationships.

Frankie even comments on his own impact and inclusion in the community, “A lot of people come up to me and say, “Oh my God, you are in a throuple? I am in a throuple,” ‘the star said. ‘It’s been cool to see people do that as well. Love is love is love is love.’” (‘Love is Love’)

Women even in their sexual identities are still looking to be fully accepted and noticed. Only with time and strong efforts can this hopefully change.

In Netflix’s new show “Insatiable” is another mainstream media representation of polyamory which ironically very accurately depicts the plights within this realm. “During the season finale, Bob A. [left in the above picture] speaks about his poly relationship (at this point still intact), explaining how embracing his identity as a poly bisexual man makes him feel "loved completely" and fully "satisfied."” (Foreman) This was a wonderful depiction of what polyamory actively works to achieve, a balance between the partners that allows each of them to feel satisfied and safe within the relationship. In contrast, “Bob B. [right in the above picture] unexpectedly breaks up with them. He explains, "I didn't agree to a relationship. I just thought the three of us would have sex sometimes so she would not feel left out.”” (Foreman) Whereas this shows the darker side of it, where certain relationships/individuals do not understand the poly individual(s). This specific instance Bob B. Believes Bob A. to be completely gay, negating his bisexual identity, as well as preventing him from balancing the two relationships to at least meet his desires. This especially shown when the women (center of image) and non-polyamorous Bob (right) confront the bisexual and polyamorous Bob(left) into picking only one of them when it is clear throughout the entire series, he truly loves both.

Resources:

Barrett, Kim. “Does Polyamory Fall Under the LGBT+ Umbrella?” Medium, Polyamory Today, 25 Jan. 2020, medium.com/polyamory-today/polyamory-and-the-lgbt-community-3a8a52debbc3.

Foreman, Alison. “We Need to Talk about That Throuple in 'Insatiable'.” Mashable, Mashable, 20 Aug. 2018, mashable.com/article/insatiable-throuple/.

Lewis, Jessi, et al. “The Great Divide: Polyamory, 'Throuples' and the LGBTI Community.” Star Observer, 18 Dec. 2016, www.starobserver.com.au/features/in-depth-features/great-divide-polyamory-throuples-lgbti-community/154564.

Outmagazine. “10 Reasons Every Gay Man Should Try a Throuple Once.” OUT, 17 Oct. 2018, www.out.com/lifestyle/2018/10/17/10-reasons-every-gay-man-should-try-throuple-once#media-gallery-media-1.

Rosenblum, Karen Elaine, and Toni-Michelle Travis, editors. The Meaning of Difference. 5th ed., McGraw-Hill Education, 2008.

Tabberer, Jamie. “'Love Is Love': Frankie Grande Reveals All about His Three-Way Relationship.” Gay Star News, 23 Nov. 2018, www.gaystarnews.com/article/love-is-love-frankie-grande-reveals-all-about-his-three-way-relationship/.

Wandrei, Karin E. “'Sleeping with the Enemy': Non-Monogamy and 1970s Lesbian-Feminists - Karin E Wandrei, 2019.” SAGE Journals, journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1363460717750074.

Image:

“Polyamory Infinite Heart Love Honesty Communication Vinyl: Etsy: Polyamory, Polyamory Relationships, Polyamory Quotes.” Pinterest, www.pinterest.com/pin/144326363036694494/.

“Throuple.” Facebook, www.facebook.com/pages/category/Musician-Band/Throuple-645110832488889/.

[snippetycape1]

Vale Laurens, Artificier

So my brother and a friend of ours are starting a campaign. Surprisingly I get the chance to be a player! So since I’m very excited to share this concept I’m going to just plop it here because I think it’s really exciting making character backstories and concepts. Needless to say I’ll still be DM’ing my other campaign and be talking about it here, but if anyone has any concepts I would love to talk D&D!

Vale Laurens is a mad genius. This same line echoed from the mouths of all the inhabitants of Edwin Lauren’s keep. As the second son, and fourth born, of his father Vale never thought that inheriting the title of lord was a possibility. All the better he thought, ruling over people with a vague concept of authority meant nothing to the young man. He thirsted for knowledge and yearned for the life of a craftsman. 

Earning an apprenticeship in town under the blacksmith he spent his days studying the crafts of all the makers in town, and his free time (Which he found he had much more of as days went on. He was a quick study and far surpassed his masters within a few months time.) was spent buried in books. Vale mastered history, science, and mathematics seeing the studies of art and literature and most of all people a frivolity unnecessary to a craftsman. While socially he was inept his mind and ability spoke for themselves.

When he was 16 he impressed his father by creating a simple crossbow modification that allowed any common soldier to rival the accuracy and precision of a battle hardened ranger, Edwin immediately set to mass producing these upgraded crossbows and training units of elite crossbowmen. He also allowed Vale access to their family fortune and privacy in his own workshop to create for his army. Then Edwin set about seizing rival lords lands and amassing wealth and power. 

Vale knew that his new experiments could never be seen by his father, lest the realm be thrust into ruin. Though the pursuit of knowledge could not be slowed, Vale learned to hide his creations cleverly and had even made a contingency knowing one day their differences would become too great to allow Vale to stay at the keep. Three years passed as Laurens amassed tomes and great books of magic studying them and mastering them so he could prove what others believed as miracles were actually just natural phenomenon.

One day when tinkering he crafted a small sentinel, a being made of gears and iron but could move like a person. Grinning wildly he whispered “Brilliant, simply brilliant.” The being had no conciousness but obeyed the commands of Vale. Recalling the name for the creation from an old history book he said aloud “A golem, I made a golem.” The golem flexed and turned as Vale sent mental commands quickly testing the limits of the small thing. “Well friend, you settle it. Once father discovers you I’ll not be able to stay here without making him an army. I can think of nothing more boring than becoming a tyrant.” He frowned imagining his father conquering and killing the lands inhabitants. With them all dead who would be around to marvel at the scientific utopia he was to create.

Soon his father confronted Vale in the throne room. Odd, when had anyone but the king been allowed a throne Vale thought to himself smiling without a hint of amusement. The mad lord accused Vale of treason against the lands by keeping his new technology secret and Vale flew into a fit of cackling. “Father, the true betrayal would be allowing my creations to fall under your control. I kept nothing from you nor anyone else. The knowledge to create what I have made is available to all, if you’re able to figure it out. Though I should say I won’t be giving anyone like you any head starts!” sending orders to his golem to activate the contingency, fire erupted in Vale’s workshop and library destroying all the blueprints, models, and texts he had made. Vale was unconcerned his personal journal and a self made craft guide were already secured by his golem and waiting for him outside the town. 

After an eventful escape he met his golem a few miles outside of the town under the tree he had spent time with his youngest sister, showing her all the amazing things he made. He left a letter hidden near the roots with a carving of the one thing he promised he’d make her one day. “I’ll be back to stop his madness one day,” he swore to himself “Then I’ll take you for a ride on that machine, though I’ll need to workshop the name. I mean honestly, Airship, rubbish.” He grinned as he pocketed the small box his golem was reduced to after running out of power and donned his blue lab coat. Travelling west he started to plan his next great creation.

[doomonfilm]

Thoughts : WandaVision [Disney+, Episode 9] (2021)

All good things must come to an end, and after roughly a year of speculation and nearly two fabulous months of weekly anticipation, Disney + and Marvel Studios have (seemingly) wrapped up the highly anticipated MCU-based series WandaVision.  For the general viewing public, it’s been a slow but steady growth of new fans (which I anticipate to boom now that the series can be binged in its entirety), but for many of us with a vested interest in the MCU (as well as a deep love for nostalgiac television and referential film), WandaVision became the gift that kept on giving : giving us fuel for what became rampant speculation, giving us a deeper insight into Wanda Maximoff as a grieving character and a being with power greater than she understood, and giving us new characters that will surely have a lasting impact on both movies and television series moving forward.

As an experiment on connecting a cinematic universe to an entertainment medium not dependent on box office returns, I would consider WandaVision a success, and one that can not so easily be duplicated by DC or any other entertainment entity.  Over a decade of work has been put into the foundation of the MCU that was Phases One - Three, and with a lore firmly established, it was really up to Marvel to fumble transitioning their storytelling style into longform storytelling for television.  With a handful of new series on the way, and movies expected by year’s end, the future is exciting for both Marvel and fans of the MCU alike.

THE STORY THUS FAR

Episode 09 : The Series Finale With Tommy (Jett Klyne) and Billy (Julian Hilliard) firmly in tow, Agatha Harkness (Kathryn Hahn) continues to goad Wanda (Elizabeth Olsen) into a confrontation.  Wanda eventually gives in and attempts to attack Agatha, but Agatha absorbs the blows, revealing that she can (and intends to) absorb all of Wanda’s abilities.  A greyed-out version of Vision (Paul Bettany) appears and accosts Wanda, but Wanda’s Vision created in The Hex comes to her rescue, confronting and battling Grey Vision while attempting to appeal to any reason in existence.  Monica Rambeau (Teyonah Parris) watches from the captivity of a nearby home, with Quicksilver (Evan Peters) standing guard.  Director Tyler Hayward (Josh Stamberg) recaptures Jimmy Woo (Randall Park) outside of The Hex, but Woo manages to contact Quantico.  Before they can arrive, however, Wanda is forced to partially remove The Hex by Agatha, and Hayward takes advantage of the situation to move S.W.O.R.D. forces into The Hex.  After realizing that a complete removal of The Hex will cost her Tommy, Billy and Vision, Wanda seals The Hex once again, leading to a final confrontation between her and Agatha Harkness with major consequences.

THOUGHTS ON THE SHOW For a series that was supposed to introduce us to Phase Four of the MCU, as well as potentially set up Doctor Strange and the Multiverse of Madness, I can’t say that I have any complaints with the execution.  I came into the show with Wanda Maximoff and Vision as two of my favorite characters, and like many people, I’d been referring to Wanda as Scarlet Witch despite this name designation having not taken place within the MCU.  Being rewarded with gift was the perfect amount of fan service (if you can even call it that, as it is key to Wanda’s story), and the way that future storylines have been set up will lead to worlds of revelations in the coming years.

Watching those willing to enjoy the series during its initial run lead to some of the grandest and widespread sets of theories and speculations that I’ve ever seen in regard to a TV show, although the implications of impact on the MCU cinematic universe makes that understandable.  The MCU is certainly showing a new approach to this speculation, as the inclusion of Evan Peters (as well as the fun and games they had with the introduction of the latest Spider-man film title) showed us, and I expect more trolling and swerves moving forward.  Be it Mephisto, Nightmare, Grim Reaper, Reed Richards, Professor X, Magneto or even Deadpool, the list of names that people attempted to will into existence was incredibly impressive (although, props to those who speculated on Skrulls, who I imagine will be EVERYWHERE moving forward).

As we move forward with The Falcon and the Winter Soldier and Loki on Disney +, and the eventual release of Spider-man : No Way Home and Doctor Strange and the Multiverse of Madness, I anticipate more magic, more cosmic adventures, and more mind-bending antics that will introduce (and remove) characters from the playing field in soon to be iconic ways.  The future is really and truly an open door of possibilities the way that the MCU and Marvel are stepping their game up, and if WandaVision is any indication, be ready for some bold steps ahead.

As we move forward with Wanda Maximoff embracing her Scarlet Witch designation, and the depths of her powers in turn, it seems as if we are seeing Marvel take their already established practice of blurring the lines between hero and villain (a la Bucky) to staggering new heights.  It seems as if not even Wanda knows what the true ceiling for her powers is, but with the final moments of her battle with Agatha and the image of her dedicating a projection to absorbing the secrets of the Dark Hold, her ability to learn and adapt appears to be a key element to her strength.  With Agatha outright stating that Wanda’s powers exceed that of the Sorcerer Supreme, a clear line in the sand has seemingly been drawn between Scarlet Witch and Doctor Strange.  Ironically, the discovery of her potential has only made the implied fear from the Infinity Saga into a very real thing in the wake of her manipulation of Westview, which could separate her from the Avengers for a time.

Many speculated that WandaVision would play out as a sort of swansong for the Vision character, and while that appears to be the case for Wanda’s approximation of Vision, the enlightenment given to Grey Vision (and the absence of a resolution for this new character) leaves the door wide open for what will be with the character.  As a character (and also thanks to Paul Bettany’s stellar performance of said character), Vision continues to be one of the most compelling members of the MCU cinematic universe with his consistently thought-provoking and deeply emotional dialogue.  I thought that WandaVision would be a one-off, and based on the upcoming slate of films that may be the case, but with many unanswered questions left, I wouldn’t be surprised of Vision and Wanda find their way back to the realm of the limited series (again, contingent on character involvement in the already slated projects).

Bravo to Kathryn Hahn for bringing Agatha Harkness to life, and making her an instant fan favorite.  With her imprisonment presented at the end of WandaVision, we are not only seeing a potentially powerful played being put on ice and ready to reemerge at any given moment, but her connections to Mephisto and the Fantastic 4 leaves her open for future involvement in the MCU as a key player.  With Westview being so close to Avengers headquarters, she also serves as a living reference library for Wanda (although, as mentioned before, Wanda’s connection to the Avengers is unclear at this point).

Another fan favorite was Teyonah Parris, who stepped into the MCU fold in a gigantic way as Monica Rambeau.  Using her to bring “reality” into the series was a beautiful play, with her inclusion in The Blip serving as both a marker in the MCU timeline and an emotional shock for viewers looking for a character to root for.  It feels as if we have only seen the tip of the iceberg in regard to Monica’s power potential, which leaves room for her evolution to take place on-screen, and based on what we’ve seen thus far, it feels like Photon, Spectrum, Captain Marvel, or possibly even some combination of the three could be her next step.  With Nick Fury showing his hand in the form of a Skrull contact, it is almost a sure thing that Monica Rambeau will be playing a key role in the upcoming Secret Invasion storylines.

The appearance of Tommy and Billy marked a huge point of story potential for the MCU, and with so much of their fate left up in the air, seeing where their journey heads will certainly be interesting.  With announcements of a handful of future MCU characters on the way, it seems certain that Marvel has plans for the Young Avengers.  As previously mentioned, tying the twins physical form to The Hex, only to have them still seemingly alive and in existence somewhere, opens up two very specific doors of narrative : option one being a future encounter with Mephisto, and option two being Wanda’s journey for her twins serving as the breaking point for the Multiverse that sets up the Doctor Strange film.

I am even more excited about the future of the MCU now that I know where Wanda, Vision and all those tied to this series currently sit.  With the rampant rumors out there in connection to Spider-man : No Way Home, who even knows if these spaces that each character occupies will be the same by the time we revisit them.  What I do know is that the MCU/Marvel Studios and Disney + make a good team, and I will be wholly invested moving forward with anything that comes out of their collective camp.

[somewhat-sane]

Discovered the song ‘interlude IV (showtime)’ by Zach Callison the other day, and can’t help imagining how well it could fit with hello Charlotte. Assigning characters for certain parts is also difficult because of Hello Charlotte reasons. (I have not seen Heaven’s Gate)

Zach is Charles, both directly but also can work for his offshoots.

Juanita is most definitely Tulpa!Scarlet though.

Christie is harder to pinpoint.

Lyrical not really Analysis underneath

[Christie : We're finally free

Welcome home

It's just you and me now

Standing alone

The world is ours]

I can see Anri saying this to Charles. Their us against the world kind of thing. Maybe in the scenario in which they successfully ran away together.

I also get the imagery of Q84 and Charles at the end of Episode 3.

[Zach: No, it isn't

C: Get in the car

Z: This isn't finished

C: What?

Z: Even though the kid's dead

I'm still seeing red

I'm just a shell of his form

That his innocence shed

C: He lived a good life and he gave it to you

Z: Oh, is that right?

You know it's not true]

Yeah the still seeing red thing invokes the Scarlet imagery for me. However in the context of the song the kid is Zach, but like the ‘innocent but hurting’ version that he (metaphorically) killed to try and stop hurting. It doesn’t help.

So Charles could be talking about ... well himself (or maybe he’s mourning Vincent)

Or Q84/Charlotte talking about Charles. The ‘he gave his life for you’ making kinda sense as his offshoots.

[Z: Look at him showered

In blood and flowers

Now look in my eyes

She still holds the power

After years and tears

And confronting his fears

He's dead on his record

For the world to hear]

Yeah this just evokes Charles’ suicide and Tulpa Scarlet still having a hold on him even after all this time. Or his mother.

[Z: And they'll all think

That it was suicide

But Christie I know

It was you inside

C: I saved him

I held him

'Til the moment he died

Z: You choked him out of his own

Goddamn mind

You promised the world to him

A goddamn lie]

This could be Charles and Anri or Charles/Q84 and Scarlet ( for what Tulpa!Scarlet did). Could also work in the context of Charles lashing out at his mother for giving birth to him, promising the world to him.

[C: What do you want from me?

Z: Oh, look outside yourself

C: I won't help you take her down

Z: Fine

I'll do it by myself]

Anri can’t help Charles with his Tulpa. There’s only so much she can do.

Also still Q84 being frustrated at how Scarlet can’t help her. Q84 just deciding to take things into her own hands.

[C: You don't need it

Z: Oh, I know that I need it

C: She's been gone for years

I know you can beat it

Z: No, look in the mirror

You know we both fear her

We're one in the same

We're afraid to be near her

We utter the name

With our spirits defeated

But you let me kill him

You're worse than Juanita]

Again I see Anri trying to calm Charles down in the first part. I can’t see the whole ‘we’re both afraid of her’ working in this case, but still Charles partially blaming Anri for how far gone he’s got.

Q84 and Scarlet confrontation here is still pretty good. They both fear/hate Tulpa Scarlet, Q84 as an extension of Charles and what’s happened to him, Scarlet seeing a terrible version of herself. (Rather than ‘you let me kill him’ it’s more ‘you let her kill him/me’ or ‘you drove him to suicide’)

[C: I told you to end it

It was all for the best

Z: So I have you to blame

For this pain in my chest

Both: No!]

Anri was trying her best and it didn’t work.

[Z: If you won't go I will

To avenge the lost soul I killed

C (Z): You're filling your heart up with hate

All the same (no!)

As the kid (no!)

That you just left (no!)

Face down on the (no!)

Pavement! (Save it!)]

Strong Q84 vibes here. Avenging Charles. And Scarlet is the only one I can imagine against her as Christie.

[Z: It's time I made a statement

A pity the city has ruined us

We could've fooled Hollywood

Just the two of us

But

Juanita has made a fool of us

C: You're lost

Z: One, two, three, four

Is this what love is really for?

Is this all I get for being yours?

The kid in front of me in blood and gore

Five, six, seven, eight

Years put to waste for all I hate

They'll all know Juanita's fate

That show's about to start

Don't be late]

It’s time for Charles / Q84 to take charge.

Okay yeah this isn’t quite accurate to the storylines, but it was still fun to imagine. Writing it down like this, it’s half Charles and Anri in the true realm, half Q84 and Scarlet in the false realm. So two different confrontations, that theoretically can’t work in the same timeline since... a lot of overlap on identities and who is actually existing. And some of the characterization is off. But still, this was fun.

...Juanita could also refer to the ‘people on the other side of the screen’ as an entity for both Q84 and Scarlet to hate.

[xgenesisrei]

Truth x Peace

The pandemic opened the way for a heightened migration of people into the world of digital platforms. Lockdowns and restrictions on public gathering pushed everyone, especially those who remained hesitant and unconvinced of the value of social media, to nonetheless make do with what technology can offer. And for Filipinos who are culturally wired to connect with people, that means intensified presence and engagement in social networks. It did not help that the shutdown of ABS-CBN contributed to the further weakening of traditional media such as television and radio. More and more, people, regardless of age, have become reliant on social media as their primary, immediate, and at times, the only remaining source of news and information.

Now that creates a huge problem. Some years ago, social media was seen as the bright solution to greater democracy and more social good. The prospect of everyone having an opportunity to air their own personal opinions, views, and perspectives, a space where free-flow of information is possible, sounded like a path towards people getting more informed and enjoying more freedom. For a time it did. We saw the rise of bloggers, influencers, and thought leaders from everywhere. We saw ordinary netizens empowered to join the public discourse on both pressing and amusing issues in our society. 

That is, until humans in the digital realm saw the rise of trolls taking over, of networks of organized disinformation poisoning our walls and feeds, and of filter-bubbles and echo chambers being birthed by ‘cancel culture.’ In the past years or so, social media morphed into a toxic wasteland flooded with fake news, causing its inhabitants to suffer online fatigue and trauma, and seeing friendships built over a long period of time ripped apart in an instant. It is like seeing the Promised Land, the Holy City of Jerusalem, burning to the ground, ravaged by the fury of the ruthless Babylonians, and leaving it with a very uncertain future. Again, the pandemic provided a most volatile context wherein people fought it out in an open mic tournament, trashing the loudest of voices on vaccines and conspiracy theories, missiles in the Middle East, and what remains of Harry Roque’s soul.

A few months ago, Netflix released a documentary, ‘The Social Dilemma,’ that uncovers the mechanism of how social media is changing our lives in ways that we do not expect and will not want, yet leaving us with very little power to stop it. A few weeks ago, MIT convened an impeccable panel of digital experts for ‘The Social Media Summit.’ They discussed the prospects of rescuing truth in a hostile digital environment. The big question being: Can truth still win in a world where fake news is manufactured and disseminated faster than anyone can fact check it? The experts sounded helpless and as a result they looked not so helpful.

The tension lies between the need to confront people responsible for spreading fake news on one hand and on the other the need to be open as well to the reality that truth not only has two sides but multiple sides and therefore demanding the idea of being willing to listen to ideas you don’t agree with and people you don’t like. 

Towards the end, the MIT summit came up with plans of action that centers, more or less, on the following: “shine light on falsehood,” “bear witness to the truth,” “speak truth to power,” and other similar admonitions that any IVCF-er will be able to quickly connect to not a few passages in the New Testament.

Hearing MIT’s panel of experts, who are by no means church people, much less theists, convinced me that Christians do have something to contribute in winning the war against falsehood without necessarily ripping apart families, friendships, and for God’s sake, faith communities.

So, how do we do this? I will not pretend that this can be tackled in a short time, much less by a single individual. But perhaps I will be able to help in laying down a map of the digital landscape which can serve as a point of departure for those who care enough to find a possible resolution. I will also try to sketch a biblical framing that can serve as initial stepping stones for the path ahead.

Digital Mapping: Maze, Spaces, and Faces. I think it will be helpful to identify the different spaces wherein people are moving in and out of as they engage in social media. At the very least, there are three spaces that we need to pay attention to: first, the terrain of today’s digital environment; second, the virtual presence of Christ’s church in such an environment; and lastly, the manifestations of God’s kingdom ever breaking-in. And on top of those three, another set of three spaces wherein the circles overlap.

Today’s Digital World. I already painted with grim colors the state of social media that we inhabit today. Maybe, I will just add that more and more we are seeing a world undeniably shaped by its digital soul. Definitely, there remains a digital gap, considerable segments of society that are pushed all the more to the margins in the ensuing massive migration to the digital sphere. But as the pandemic rendered digital technology as the primary means by which people communicate and connect to one another, government and private industries, community pantries included, the virtual is already part of our everyday reality. In fact, the virtual has become real. And this is where the reminder of Neil Postman, chair of the communications department of New York University, remains relevant, “The clearest way to see through a culture is to attend to its tool for conversation (Amusing Ourselves to Death, 1985).” Today, the conversations that shape our public discourse and our social imagination is greatly influenced by what we can Like and Share.

Church Presence in Social Media. The next circle, the status of the church’s digital presence, is the one that should cause a bit more of panic and stress on our mental health. Everyone knows that supposedly the church is sent into the world to serve as its “salt and light” (Matthew 5:13-16). And because church people are by no means ‘bulletproof’, Apostle Paul gave a strong reminder of not letting the world provide the mold by which Christians are to conform themselves (Romans 12:2). Instead, they are to be people who keep their minds renewed and transformed into the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God. But the more we examine how churches conducted themselves in social media, the less it appears faithful to its calling. 

Looking at the overlap of the circles of today’s digital world and the church’s digital persona, we will find that there is hardly any difference on how Christians, pastors and church leaders included, can treat one another, trash each other, and treat unverified information as gospel truths. A quick visit to some of the more popular ‘Christian’ FB groups will reveal the amount of salt worth trampling and amount of light sucked in a blackhole. All as a result of defending and insisting for what they believe in their hearts is true and just. This is where the mix of religion and propaganda can even be more damaging. Church people fight for political opinions not only for the sake of the common good but in the name of biblical faithfulness. To differ is to risk being branded as heretical if not altogether evil. And, as you can guess, the feeling is always mutual. In a digital wasteland fragmented by fake news and echo chambers, church communities swallowed in these toxic spaces have very little to offer as an alternative counter-culture. In fact, the degree of fragmentation and delusion to half-truths may even be worse. Tragically, this is the face of the church whose character is slowly being eroded by its digital habits. And, given the formative impact, there can be no denying that the virtual is as spiritual!

God’s In-breaking Kingdom. Fortunately, the kingdom of God is by no means limited to where the church has fallen short of and has failed. In fact, the kingdom of God transcends the borders and backyard of the church. George Eldon Ladd reminds us in his groundbreaking book on the topic, “the church is the community of the kingdom but never the kingdom itself” (The Gospel of the Kingdom, 1995). God’s mission of transforming the world, while primarily proclaimed by the church, is not exclusively carried out by people who call themselves Christians. Wherever life is encouraged to flourish, truth is upheld, and relationships are healed, you know God is at work. Regardless, if there are Christians around. The kingdom is ever on its way and it happens that at times the church so often arrives late.

No wonder it escapes not a few how God has always been at work, in ways that defy expectations, and if we bother to take a closer look, through people that will come as a surprise. Suffice it to say that in God’s kingdom, blessed shall be the nazi fact-checkers, the murdered journalists, the oddballs in toxic echo chambers, and even those who find it within themselves the simple act of just remaining sober. They are the ones who are in the overlap of the circles between today’s digital world and the kingdom of God. Unlikely agents of God’s healing touch in a fractured world. They may be far from the church but very likely near to the kingdom. The MIT summit that I mentioned, honestly, is the kind of conversations that I hoped we have in our Christian circles instead of the endless webinars left and right that offer very little help in healing the worsening fractures in our churches. 

Fortunately, there is that overlap between the kingdom of God and the church’s digital presence. We have here Christians who are caught in the tension of conviction between the need to love people and at the same time refuse lies. They navigate the fleeting space for hope wherein truth-telling and peace-keeping thrives alongside each other, without the need to sacrifice one for the other. They understand very well that severing relationships for the sake of truth is the badge of fundamentalists and legalists. But they also are very much aware that compromising truth for the sake of relationships is a sure step towards the rabbithole of injustice. Somehow, they know that the two have to be held together. A careful balance which the digital culture of social media has undermined and rendered almost impossible to recover. 

But there must be good news that Christians can offer right?

Biblical Framing: Truth and Grace. Do we have anything, from the deep wisdom of the Scriptures and in the clear example of Christ, that can point us to the steps moving forward? 

Immediately, what will come to mind is a familiar passage in John 1:14 that describes the remarkable life of Jesus: “And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth (ESV).” John the beloved could not have chosen a better pair of words: grace and truth. They sounded great together right? But we know in reality, these are two things that can cancel each other out. We see it everyday on social media. Truth thrown devoid of grace. Grace dispensed at the expense of truth. How could have Jesus made a happy fusion of these two seemingly contrasting values?

There are episodes of his life on earth that shed a clue. Two public engagements are worth noting:

In John 8:1-11, we read of how Jesus was confronted with the case of a woman caught in adultery. Jewish law demands that the penalty of wrongdoing be carried out. But Jesus chose to dispense grace and let the woman off the hook of the requirement of justice. Yet still, he made sure that the woman realized the error of her ways (v. 11). 

Then, in Luke 18:18-24, we read of how Jesus dealt with the rich young ruler. Jesus was blunt and straightforward. Publicly, he identified what was lacking in him and demanded what he himself said was impossible for mere mortals to render -perfection. But it is by this truthfulness that Jesus also opens the space for grace to come in (v. 27).

If anything, Jesus could not afford to either just be a prophet who cries ‘woe to you’ or a shepherd who ‘comes not for the healthy but for the sick.’ He is both. I guess, we cannot do so either. Prudence and discernment calls for us which of the two is needed at a particular moment. As usual, context and timing matters. But it may also be helpful if we can wrap our heads around the subtle irony that lies between the exercise of grace and truth: 

What if truth breaks into us fully when we realize that those people who are most undeserving of grace are actually the ones who need it most? What if grace grips us most when we realize the truth no matter how painful and blunt is what will eventually bring healing and closure?

In any case, my theological conviction is that the character of God’s kingdom we can best see in the life and example of Christ. Anything less are but echoes that need further fine-tuning. It is in Jesus’ story where justice, truth, peace, and grace all fall into their proper places. Going back to John 1:14, Jesus moved into our neighborhood so that we can see that the glory of God is most fully reflected when truth is wrapped in grace and grace is founded on truth.

If our truth-telling prevents us from extending grace to those who clearly have their hands dirty, then we fall short of Jesus’ words on the cross; “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” Except for vengeance and retribution, we will have nothing to offer to those who made the hammers fall, people who have earned the right to become our enemies. 

If our peace-keeping prevents us from telling the truth to those who need grace the most, then we fail to follow the badass Jesus who hesitates not in calling people names when he has to. We will have nothing to say in the face of the Pontius Pilates and Caiaphases of today.

The tension between truth and grace shall remain and it ought to. There might be easy resolutions but I am of the view that this tension is part of the “here-but-not yet” aspect of the kingdom of God. So, we will continue to struggle and juggle until the kingdom comes in all its fullness when Christ returns. I will not forget what Miroslav Volf said when he was questioned by the great theology professor Jurgen Moltmann. Volf delivered a lecture that will serve as the framework of his book ‘Exclusion and Embrace’ (1996) wherein he argues to err on the side of forgiveness and grace. Professor Moltmann then asked him whether he can live by what he has written and be able to forgive the bloody Serbian murderers who massacred his people in Croatia. Volf responded by saying, “Well, I cannot. But as a follower of Christ, I should.”

When people drunk with power make us feel they are undeserving of grace and when people’s cry for justice make us want to see blood, we turn to Jesus and let his story continue to challenge us and to shape us. He left us the big picture of what it means to be a good neighbor especially for those who deserve it the least. More and more I am getting convinced that immersing ourselves in how Jesus loved others is what will help us bridge what we can't/won't do as human beings and what we are freed to do as his disciples.

Crux omnia pro bat. (The cross tests all things.)

Conclusion. I want to end by quickly looking into one of IVCF’s core values -holistic mission. Of course, an important aspect of this work is engaging in prophetic ministry, upholding justice and truth, so that social transformation, and not just personal conversion, will happen. So often, this passion for transforming society is what moves people to ‘cancel’ people so that truth shall prevail amidst a barrage of lies. But a good friend and mentor, Dr. Al Tizon, in his new book, said this:

“I see a great need to advance the meaning of holistic mission, to build on the evangelism and social justice affirmation, by understanding the ministry of reconciliation as the new whole in holistic mission. It must be if the Christian mission is to remain relevant in our increasingly fractured world. In the age of intensified conflict on virtually every level, it can no longer be just about putting words and deeds back together again (though it will take ongoing effort on the part of the church of the church to keep them together); holistic mission also needs to be about joining God in putting the world back together again (Whole and Reconciled, 2018).”

The point of social transformation is ultimately God’s longing for reconciliation. Truth that eradicates is no different from the bombs that got dropped in Palestinian homes. One can argue with a formidable case that it is justified but it won’t be a step towards the peace of Christ. Only towards the peace of Rome: Pax Romana (be at peace, otherwise, rest in peace). What is true of Gaza is also very much true of social media.

“There is no way to peace. Peace is the way. There is no path toward love except by practicing love. War will always produce more war. Violence can never bring about true peace.” -Richard Rohr

-Rei Lemuel Crizaldo, “Truth-telling and Peace-keeping in God’s Kingdom,” prepared for the webinar series on ‘Kingdom Calling’ by IVCF Philippines (May 22, 2021) 

[tinyshe]

Why I’m Removing All Articles Related to Vitamins D, C, Zinc and COVID-19

source

Over the past year, I’ve been researching and  writing as much as I can to help you take control of your health, as  fearmongering media and corrupt politicians have destroyed lives and  livelihoods to establish global control of the world’s population, using the  COVID-19 pandemic as their justification.

I’ve also kept you informed about billionaire-backed  front groups like the Center for Science  in the Public Interest (CSPI), a partner of  Bill Gates’ Alliance for Science, both of whom have led campaigns aimed at  destroying my reputation and censoring the information I share.

Other attackers include HealthGuard, which ranks  health sites based on a certain set of “credibility criteria.” It has sought to  discredit my website by ensuring warnings appear whenever you search for my   articles or enter my website in an internet browser.

Well-Organized  Attack Partnerships Have Formed

HealthGuard, a niche service of NewsGuard, is funded  by the pharma-funded public relations company Publicis  Groupe. Publicis,  in turn, is a partner of the World Economic Forum, which is leading the call  for a “Great Reset” of the global economy and a complete overhaul of our way of  life.

HealthGuard is also partnered with Gates’ Microsoft company, and drug advertising  websites like WebMD and Medscape, as well as the Center for Countering Digital Hate (CCDH) — the  progressive cancel-culture leader with extensive ties to government and  global think tanks that recently labeled people questioning the COVID-19 vaccine  as a national security threat.

The CCDH has published a hit list naming me as one  of the top 12 individuals responsible for 65% of vaccine “disinformation” on social  media, and who therefore must be deplatformed and silenced for the public good.  In a March 24, 2021, letter1 to the CEO’s of Twitter and Facebook, 12 state  attorneys general called for the removal of our accounts from these platforms,  based on the CCDH’s report.

Two of those state attorneys  general also published an  April 8, 2021, op-ed2 in The Washington Post, calling on Facebook and Twitter to ban  the “anti-vaxxers” identified by the CCDH. The  lack of acceptance of novel gene therapy technology, they claim, is all because  a small group of individuals with a social media presence — myself included —  are successfully misleading the public with lies about nonexistent vaccine  risks.

“The solution is not complicated. It’s time  for Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg and Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey to turn off this  toxic tap and completely remove the small handful of individuals spreading this   fraudulent misinformation,” they wrote.3

Pharma-funded politicians and pharma-captured  health agencies have also relentlessly attacked me and pressured tech monopolies to censor and deplatform me,  removing my ability to express my opinions and speak freely over the past year.

The CCDH also somehow has been allowed to  publish4 in the journal Nature Medicine, calling for the “dismantling” of the “anti-vaccine”  industry. In the article, CCDH founder Imran Ahmed repeats the lie that he “attended and recorded a private, three-day   meeting of the world’s most prominent anti-vaxxers,” when, in fact, what he’s  referring to was a public online conference open to an international audience,  all of whom had access to the recordings as part of their attendance fee.  

The CCDH is also  partnered with another obscure group called Anti-Vax Watch. The picture below  is from an Anti-Vax Watch demonstration outside the halls of Congress.  Ironically, while the CCDH claims to be anti-extremism, you’d be hard-pressed  to find a clearer example of actual extremism than this bizarre duo.5

Gates-Funded  Doctor Demands Terrorist Experts to Attack Me

Most recently, Dr. Peter Hotez, president of the Sabin  Vaccine Institute,6 which  has received tens of millions of dollars from the Bill & Melinda Gates  Foundation,7,8,9 — with funds from the foundation most recently being used to create a report  called “Meeting the Challenge of Vaccine Hesitancy,”10,11 — also cited the CCDH in a Nature article in which he calls for cyberwarfare  experts to be enlisted in the war against vaccine safety advocates and people  who are “vaccine hesitant.” He writes:12

“Accurate, targeted counter-messaging from the  global health community is important but insufficient, as is public pressure on   social-media companies. The United Nations and the highest levels of government  must take direct, even confrontational, approaches with Russia, and move to  dismantle anti-vaccine groups in the United States.

Efforts must expand into the realm of cyber  security, law enforcement, public education and international relations. A  high-level inter-agency task force reporting to the UN secretary-general could   assess the full impact of anti-vaccine aggression, and propose tough, balanced  measures.

The task force should include experts who have  tackled complex global threats such as terrorism, cyber attacks and nuclear  armament, because anti-science is now approaching similar levels of peril. It  is becoming increasingly clear that advancing immunization requires a   counteroffensive.”

Why is Hotez calling for the use of warfare  tactics on American citizens that have done nothing illegal? In my case, could  it be because I’ve written about the theory that SARS-CoV-2 is an engineered   virus, created through gain-of-function research, and that its release was anticipated  by global elites, as evidenced in Event 201?

It may be. At least those are some of my  alleged “sins,” detailed on page 10 of the CCDH report, “Disinformation Dozen:  The Sequel.”13 Coincidentally enough, the Nature journal has helped cover up gain-of-function  research conducted at the Wuhan Institute of Virology, publishing a shoddy zoonotic origins study relied upon my  mainstream media and others, which was riddled with problems.14,15

So, it’s not misinformation  they are afraid of. They’re afraid of the truth getting out. They’re all trying  to cover for the Chinese military and the dangerous mad scientists conducting  gain-of-function work.

You may have noticed our  website was recently unavailable; this was due to direct cyber-attacks launched  against us. We have several layers of protective mechanisms to secure the  website as we’ve anticipated such attacks from malevolent organizations.

What This Means for  You

Through these progressively increasing  stringent measures, I have refused to succumb to these governmental and pharmaceutical  thugs and their relentless attacks. I have been confident and willing to  defend myself in the court of law, as I’ve had everything reviewed by some of   the best attorneys in the country.

Unfortunately, threats have now become very  personal and have intensified to the point I can no longer preserve much of the   information and research I’ve provided to you thus far. These threats are not  legal in nature, and I have limited ability to defend myself against them. If  you can imagine what billionaires and their front groups are capable of, I can  assure you they have been creative in deploying their assets to have this  content removed.

Sadly, I must also  remove my peer reviewed published study16 on the “Evidence Regarding Vitamin D and Risk of COVID-19 and  Its Severity.” It will, however, remain in the highly-respected journal   Nutrients’ website, where you can still access it for free.

The MATH+ hospital treatment protocol for  COVID-19 and the iMASK+ prevention and early outpatient COVID-19 protocol —  both of which are based on the use of vitamins C, D, quercetin, zinc and  melatonin — are available on the Front  Line COVID-19 Critical Care Alliance’s website. I suggest you bookmark these resources for future reference.

It is with a  heavy heart that I purge my website of valuable information. As noted by Dr.  Peter McCullough during a recent Texas state Senate Health and Human Services  Committee hearing, data shows early treatment could have prevented up to 85% (425,000)  of COVID-19 deaths.17 Yet early treatments were all heavily censored and suppressed.

McCullough, in  addition to being a cardiologist and professor of medicine at the Texas A&M  University Health Sciences Center, also has the distinction of having published  the most papers of any person in the history of his field, and being an editor  of two major medical journals. Despite that, his video, in which he went  through a paper he’d published detailing effective early treatments, was  summarily banned by YouTube in 2020.

“No wonder  we have had 45,000 deaths in Texas. The average person in Texas thinks there’s  no treatment!” McCullough told the senate panel.18 Indeed, people are in dire  need of more information detailing how they can protect their health, not less.  But there’s only so much I  can do to protect myself against current attack strategies.

They’ve moved past censorship. Just what do you  call people who advocate counteroffensive attacks by terrorism and cyberwarfare   experts? You’d think we could have a debate and be protected under free speech  but, no, we’re not allowed. These lunatics are dangerously unhinged.

The U.S. federal government is going along with  the global Great Reset plan (promoted as “building back better”), but this plan  won’t build anything but a technological prison. What we need is a massive   campaign to preserve civil rights, and vote out the pawns who are destroying  our freedom while concentrating wealth and power.

[silverbastardgoldenfool]

Realm of the Quarantine Reread End-of-Book Questionnaire: Assassin’s Apprentice

Any differences between your first/previous reading experience and this one?

Uhhhhh yep!! I can’t even believe how different it was. Every scene has taken on an entirely different colour and flavour in my memory. I skimmed far too much the first time, yes, but also I just went into it with the wrong framework. I think I’ve mentioned this before but my mum recommended me these books on the basis of my love of A Song of Ice and Fire. She directly compared them and said how similar they were. Because of RotE’s length I had been putting it off for years, and only finally picked up Assassin’s Apprentice because I was itching to do an ASOIAF reread but was (and am) trying to wait until Winds of Winter to do it. 

So you can imagine the difficulty settling into a book like Assassin’s Apprentice when you’re expecting Game of Thrones. I remember my overall impression on my first read being that it was a pretty standard fantasy novel with the only really exceptional thing about it being the characters and their relationships. Characters are always my top priority so it was enough to keep me invested and progressing onto the next book and the rest of the series, but I did so not having absorbed nearly as much as I should have from the first book in the series.

Now, just from revisiting that first book, my understanding of Fitz and the world he operates in has exponentially increased and I know that will transform my experience of every book going forward. I really made sure to make myself slow down and read every word; absorb descriptions and just be in each moment without racing to the next one. Overall this book (and all the Fitz books) are much more concerned with the human condition and the effects of abuse and trauma and deep loneliness than being an epic fantasy. In fact it barely reads like fantasy at all; it’s incredibly grounded and focused. Of course the elements are there, but while Assassin’s Apprentice may not be as subversive as the rest of the series, it is certainly not generic fantasy. This book just feels alive to me now in a way it didn’t before against the rest of the series. I can regard it as a beautiful piece of the puzzle in its own right instead of just the setup. I wanna reiterate I always really liked Assassin’s Apprentice but it just paled in comparison to my unholy obsession with the rest of it. Idk this reread just really shifted a lot of things into perspective for me and I’m excited!!

Something you can’t believe you forgot

So so much but most ridiculous GALEN IS QUEEN DESIRE’S BASTARD am I dumb??? I didn’t even remember until it was explicitly stated lol

Favourite character introduction moments/scenes

It’s gotta be a tie between the Fool, Kettricken and Patience (realising there is a common theme here of Fitz making an idiot of himself). I genuinely was laughing so hard when Fitz is like, actively making himself smaller and so pleased with himself trying to help the Fool, and of course the Fool’s iconic “listen you idiot” ugh it’s just chef’s kiss baby, that’s what we in the biz call a meet-cute! (I know they have seen each other before, but this is the first time the Fool talks to Fitz). Then of course we have Kettricken who poisons Fitz at their first meeting, and Patience who Fitz continuously embarrasses himself in front of before even realising who she is. The fact that all three of these people end up being some of Fitz’s only genuinely loving relationships makes it even better.

Favourite character arcs

I think I’ve gotta go with Verity and Burrich. Verity goes from kind of a bloke’s bloke (he was so different in the beginning than I remembered!) to being a proper King-in-Waiting. He is self-sacrificial but not for pride; he genuinely cares deeply for his people, as a whole and as individuals, and will do anything it takes to protect them. He is far from perfect, and he could have done a lot more for Fitz when he was younger, but once Fitz is in his eyeline and he is confronted with the life the boy has led he seems suitably shamed and tries to do his best for him. He’s a good boy and I love him!

Burrich of course is just. unlucky. His health deteriorates due to injuries. He gets saddled with some kid and is burdened to bring him up to an impossible standard he has set himself (to not shame a man he has an impossibly high opinion of). He’s deprived of a job he loved and was good at, and most importantly he’s deprived of his boyfriend I mean lover I mean “master”.

His arc is not a happy one at all but it is compelling, and I can’t help but love him and feel for him despite also disagreeing with him on almost everything :)

Favourite quote/s

Unfortunately I don’t have any tabs atm so I couldn’t really keep track, but my heart exploded when Fitz said to the Fool after going into his room, “I wish I had a place that were as much me as that place is you.”

Favourite relationships

Fitz/Fool obviously. Even though they don’t have that many interactions in this book I loved every single one of them. The Fool volunteering to care for Smithy after Fitz has endured a long day of horrendous abuse is just!!!!! Kindness! What a concept! I could really see why they develop such a deep bond so quickly.

Fitz/Burrich is just so real and so compelling and it hurts me but I love it. Fitz/Chade breaks my heart bc Chade is manipulating his way into Fitz’s heart - I think without realising it a lot of the time bc he is lonely too, but the power imbalance is not okay when he is the centre of Fitz’s world for a long time and the closest thing he has to a friend. Knowing how Chade behaves not too much later just makes it even worse when he is so nice in this book because it just shows why Fitz has such a hard time being his own person and saying no to Chade ever.

Fitz/Verity for obvious reasons. Fitz/Hands!! They’re cute but it makes me sad that Hands betrays him in AQ. Weirdly I liked Fitz/Molly way more this time but more their friendship than anything. And next is Royal Assassin and their deeply toxic romance soooooo.

And Fitz and his puppies BUT WE DON’T TALK ABOUT THAT.

Favourite setting

Do yourself a favour and read the description of the Mountain Kingdom and specifically the palace. It is STUNNING and something I completely skimmed over the first time cos I’m a dumb idiot bitch I could have been picturing a city of huge colourful tulips all this time but fuck me I guess!!

Favourite chapter

As a rereader I think I’ve gotta say chapter one. There’s just so much to pick apart all crammed into one chapter. It still holds a lot of mystery even when you’ve read the entire series.

Most loved character

At this point I’ve gotta say Fitz. That’s who my heart is with during this book and he NEEDS IT

Most hated character

Okay I found Regal a much better villain on this read and hated him A LOT but whomst I despised even more w the very fibre of my being was Galen bitch disgusting!!!!!! Verity was so like, smug?? when he killed him and it was so satisfying. It’s what she deserves!!

Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimised by Robin Hobb (most heartbreaking and/or visceral moments)

Literally this whole book was so harsh and I was perpetually emo throughout but off the top of my head, Fitz’s depressive episode after Shrewd and Chade test his loyalty fricking broke me, as did the entirety of Galen’s abuse/training; since I was paying so much more attention this time it hit a lot harder that he is an absolute textbook abuser and the psychological torment he inflicts on Fitz is just. deeply upsetting to say the least. It really got under my skin.

Details, observations, spoilery notes made with the benefit of the full picture

Okay this is where I just dump all the notes I took while reading that don’t fit anywhere else. It’ll be long lol so strap in.

- It’s never not funny to me that Narrator Fitz comes across as like a hundred years old when in actuality he is like twenty. Also that he looks back on himself with such a sense of wisdom and superiority, yet we know there is dumbarsery aplenty to come. Amazing.

- I’ve never really registered that for the first six years of his life Fitz had a mother who loved him and I don’t know how to feel about that

- REVELATION THAT SEEMS REALLY OBVIOUS IN HINDSIGHT: Fitz most likely only spoke Chyurdan when he was abandoned, which would have played a huge role in why he was not only quiet but unresponsive to what was happening around him. He probably didn’t even understand that he wasn’t going to see his mother again until much later, and he didn’t know how to ask questions. When he goes to the Mountain Kingdom and Kettricken comments that he speaks Chyurdan like someone remembering the language he doesn’t comment on it, so it’s likely that future Fitz doesn’t register that he didn’t always speak Six Duchies(?). He mentions in the narration that the memory of being abandoned is incredibly stark but not necessarily reliable, and possibly shaped by the Skill, which to me opens up the possibility that his memory is essentially auto-translating for him things he didn’t understand at the time. We also know that at the time of writing this he’s given up his memories of his mother etc. up to the stone dragon, so obviously his recollections of these traumatic events are going to be warped by that. Anyway thanks to my sister for pointing this out and being much smarter than me.

- According to Fitz’s grandfather, Chivalry always knew about Fitz. Don’t know how trustworthy a man desperate to yeet his grandson out of his care is but there ya go.

- Weird and hilarious that Shrewd tries to see Fitz on the day he arrives but then just like. What? Forgets about him? For years? lol

- Chade literally tells Fitz that he is a king’s man now and that’s the most important thing about him YIKES

- Chade becomes the closest thing Fitz has to a friend for quite a long time and that is fucking depressing

- It’s interesting that Chade had to be convinced to teach Fitz. It’s hinted at that there was an ~incident~ the last time they tried to train someone, followed by a long period of Chade being left to rot in the walls.

- Not to be out here diagnosing fictional characters but like.Fitz. Literally has depression.

- Fitz having to turn down Fedwren’s offer of apprenticing for him is so sad. It’s the life Fitz should have had.

- The Fool’s non-binary gender is mentioned as early as Chapter Nine! (Published in 1995! We have no choice but to stan!)

- “So quickly we were all made accomplices in our own degradation.” OOF.

- I really realised this time that the reason Fitz seems so shit at things he trained his whole life for later is because all that training was interrupted by many months of isolation, deprivation and abuse. All at the age of like 13-14. He got out of the habit of subconsciously acting in a way that Burrich or Chade would approve of. For a long time the only person he needed approval from was Galen, and he became completely single-minded about it because that was his means of survival. And you don’t just recover from that - especially since neither Chade or Burrich would give him the time of day for an extended period *after* his training was done. When Chade did finally talk to him again it wasn’t to recommence training really; he just gave him a bunch of tasks to do. By the time Fitz got to the Mountain Kingdom he was completely out of practice, and still managed pretty bloody well in spite of it.

- Kind of related to the last point: I love that while Fitz isn’t a savant at anything he’s a pretty realistic jack of all trades. He not only has an aptitude for learning almost any skill or subject but a genuine broad curiosity too. It’s one of the few things that is just him, ya know? It’s just his personality and something he can find joy in, even if it does also factor into his being used by others.

- Imagine being Burrich and finding out that your son thought you were a dog murderer for like ten years lol ouch

- Fitz thinks about the Fool soooo often in the Mountain Kingdom, pointing out things that remind him of him, or things he would like. It’s v soft tbh I love them so much!!

- Another dumb thing I forgot is that Regal is convinced that Shrewd had Fitz poison his mother to death, which adds a rather important layer onto his motivations lol

Anyone doing a reread feel free to fill this out! You don’t have to use the tag :)

[mewtwo24]

Lucifer I want to hold ur hand

So like...I wrote this eons ago before all the Belphie chapters happened, but I’m still really proud of it? It’s like shortly after Lucifer goes coco-nuts at the end of chapter...12? I think? I came into the game a little late, and then the story took off and this became more of an au given the context

Under a cut bc it is a l o n g boi, as per usual, a little shorter than 2000 words. This is purely fluff hurt/comfort, nothing too heavy or that requires warnings. The MC in this is named Joanna.

Enjoy!

“I don’t know if I’ll ever begin to understand...”

Lucifer’s voice was so quiet, she could only barely make out what he was saying. Her mind was still foggy, still struggling to think beyond the dull ache.

“I never know whether to be impressed by your audacity, or find it foolish. Are all humans like you?” There was a slight huff, something akin to a chuckle--though the prospect made her more sure she was dreaming. His voice was never that tender, and most certainly never so self-effacing. “Perhaps that was a foolish question.” 

He didn’t specify whether that was because it was a good kind of obvious, or a bad kind. And she was too afraid to ask him to clarify--too certain his voice would disappear forever. The last time they had spoken he was beyond furious with her; it was the reason she was on what seemed to be some kind of medical bed. It couldn’t have been her room. Her room didn’t smell like bleach and sterilized dust.

“I know you’re awake, Joanna.” 

Her eyes shot open to find him smiling deviously to her left, hand intercepting the forearm that had instinctively leapt to her defense. She was surprised to find that his grip was gentle; only enough to stop her from hurting either of them.

“That’s one way to say good evening,” he released her arm after checking to make sure her IV was undisturbed. “But I truly wouldn’t have you any other way. Your courage has always been captivating.” 

She assessed him carefully--she wasn’t so delirious that she didn’t realize precisely who it was that landed her in what looked to be a human hospital. The throbbing in her head was no accident, and neither was the ache in her shoulders.

“I suppose I deserve that look.” His brows furrowed, “And I owe Belphegor much for deflecting the majority of my attack. Please, rest assured that I have no intention of directing violence towards you ever again. You have my word.” She could detect no slumbering threat in his gaze, no riddle in the firm line of his mouth. He was serious as serious could be--the most sober demon she had ever met. Her eyes widened when he bowed in that reverent way he always did in the company of the higher ranking demons, onyx hair cascading over his eyes. 

“I imagine Diavolo has already expressed his disappointment.” She laughed when his lips pursed and his shoulders stiffened, a clear sign she was probably right. “I don’t see any need to make you feel worse. Though, I would like it if there could be fewer threats in our exchanges.”

When he straightened he remained ramrod tense, as if he wasn’t sure what to say next. He didn't like being indebted to people, and he liked failing even less. 

And yet, despite everything, she didn’t want him to go. He was the first person to try to ease her worries in this realm--had given her enough information to protect herself, regardless of the situation's tenuous balance. As much as their final confrontation was about his struggle to let go of his haughtiness, it was also about the feelings they had been harboring for each other. She liked him--loved him, even--well aware of all the reasons she shouldn’t.

For all his attempts at guarded distance, he had offered her a great deal of freedom and care in this foreign realm. She knew he was trying, he had simply been a otherworldly being for a very long time; she imagined she had caused quite the uproar in defying him. But somebody had to. If there was one thing she’d learned in life, nothing good came of being entirely untouchable.

“Pull up a chair--that is, if I’m not keeping you from anything.”

Surprise flitted across his face, and it was a wonderful thing to see his honest reaction for a change. Was it because he felt safe with her, or because they were alone? She half-expected him to retreat in favor of making sure Diavolo’s requests weren’t neglected in the time he spent looking after her. For all his insistence of her lowly status, she was sure he felt a great deal of guilt and responsibility for the harm he’d inflicted. 

Despite his considerable strength, he fumbled getting the chair to cross the distance to the bed. She withheld laughter behind a sympathetic smile. Was that a bit of color on his cheeks? He didn’t say anything for a while, eyes trained on the bed.

“Lucifer?” She reached out to touch his pale hand, surprised to find it cool to the touch. Had he been eating properly since the fallout? She hadn't realized what she'd done until after the fact--he had held her hand when she'd revealed she was scared what seemed like hours ago.

“You can’t love somebody and control them at the same time.” He eventually murmured, staring at the hand that was on top of his own. It was entire minutes later that his gaze rose, “I was only just beginning to understand what that meant when you first told me. And perhaps I still don’t understand--not the way humans do.”

Slowly, he raised her hand up to his lips, eyes never leaving hers. “Make a pact with me.” The warmth of his lips and the gentle cycle of his breath against her skin made heat gather in her cheeks. “I want to learn more about this human way of loving.”

“What makes you think I want to make a pact with you? I thought demons couldn’t change.”

She could see him wilt the slightest bit after a spark of indignation, his eyes averted as he lowered her hand. She couldn’t help teasing him a bit--after all the trouble he’d given her to confess his feelings, it was a small price. “For the longest time, it was what I believed. But now I see that it was short-sighted, and self-indulgent.” He sighed. “It was precisely the reason that Belphegor became so cross with me--and Satan, as well. I was so desperate to look after them, to make sure what happened to--" he shook his head. "...would never happen again. I stopped seeing things clearly.”

“And what makes you so sure fear won’t rule you again?” Her eyes were clear; not condemning, but vigilant. She was willing to give him a chance, but he needed to prove that he had learned something from all of this. 

“I’m not.”

���Not?”

“I’m not at all certain. Demons are just as fallible--if not more so--as a result of their strength, their base extremity. I cannot promise that which I cannot foresee.”

When she began to withdraw her hand, his fingers tightened around hers before she could slip away. “But I intend to minimize that concern as much as I can. I imagine under your short leash, things will cease before they ever get to that point again.”

She relaxed when she found his carnelian eyes softly aglow, adoring as they landed on her. It was one thing to hope for such an outcome--it was another thing entirely to see it come to fruition. 

"I'm stubborn."

"As am I."

"I'm a strict instructor."

This earned her a wicked smile. "I should hope so."

"...I'm also mortal, Lucifer."

"And I intend to make you deliriously happy for all the years you will grace this realm. So long as you permit it--it doesn't change a thing."

Her eyes were getting misty. "Are you sure you want somebody as nosy and forthright as me?"

Both of his hands covered hers and he leaned forward--so confident--and stopped a hairsbreadth from her lips. 

"Do you want this, Joanna, as I do? All the good and bad that are to come with it?"

She hadn't been imagining things at all, passion burning in eyes that smoldered to a darker crimson. "More than anything," she breathed. 

His lips found hers shortly after that, gossamer but enough to leave his taste tingling on the surface when he retreated. She had a hard time trying to describe it; she wasn't sure if it was the lingering concussion or the otherworldliness. He reminded her of sunlight in winter, a warmth that tingles and heats you to the very core, her toes curling. He also reminded her of the bonfires--evergreen fueled--that emitted a smoky, spicy aroma into the air. Even the hint of sweetness from roasting marshmallows was there. 

"I am Lucifer, Avatar of Pride. I pledge myself to you, Joanna, that we may be bound by an unbreakable pact." 

She felt the rush that always accompanied bonding to powerful demons, her entire body going rigid with the influx of magic. One of his hands rose to stroke her cheek, and she felt the flicker of their new connection echo from the depths of her bones. 

“That was--”

“Disgusting, Lucifer, what the hell! Haven’t I told the lot of you before she’s my girl? Paws off!”

They both turned to see that Mammon had barged into the room without knocking or alerting anyone, as per usual. Asmodeus and Satan were following close behind with a tired look, though there were signs of delighted amusement in their gazes.

“It’s about time.”

“I’ll say--all that unresolved sexual tension was stressing me out!”

“I’m hungry, isn’t there a single place in the human realm that sells Devildom food, Joanna?”

“Can we hurry this up? I’ve got merch to pick up--they’re going to close soon!”

“Must the lot of you create an uproar everywhere we go--this is a human hospital, keep your voices down!” Lucifer snapped, scowling.

“Joaaaaaaannaaaaaaaa, how could you leave us alone with this grouch for three whole days--ow! What, did you want to put me in a hospital too!?” 

She grimaced at the familiar crack with which a pair of gloved hands struck Mammon’s head. Through their pact she could feel the flickering simmer of remorse in the depths of Lucifer’s heart, and she relaxed back into the bed. He felt a lot more than he let on. 

“Did the doctors tell you anything about my condition?”

“They were baffled in regards to your condition. We told them you, ah, fell down a staircase. They figured it was likely the product of head trauma, but they’ve been watching pretty closely…”

“I see,” she nodded towards Satan.

Lucifer rose from her bedside, not looking any of them directly in the eye. “I’ll see to it that they release you as soon as possible. I trust three days is an adequate recovery period.”

He strode out of the room, silence deafening. She counted to three in her head, wait for it…

“I can’t believe that weenie! We set everything up perfectly and this is how he confesses!”

“Joanna he was beside himself for days, are you part witch?”

“And he says I’m obsessed with Ruri-chan...”

Satan was the one to take a seat at the end of the bed as they chortled and jeered, shaking his head. “I know it may not seem like it, but we really were worried. We’re glad you came back to us.”

“Thanks Satan,” she smiled back easily, “Glad to be back.”

[chickensarentcheap]

Best Part of Me - Chapter 4

Warnings: none

Tagging: @c-a-v-a-l-r-y​, @alievans007​, @thunderintheshadows​, @innerpaperexpertcloud​

While it is a more peaceful existence, it is often a lonelier one. The safety and security of seclusion at times feeling like isolation. Their property…their home itself…is beautiful beyond anything she could have imagined; surrounded by the sights and sounds of nature, the dense and lush woodlands and the pristine beach and majesty of the ocean. Aside from the noise and activity of their own residence, they are very much shut off from the rest of the world; two hundred yards from their closest neighbour, tucked at the very end of a three kilometer stretch of recently paved road. Weeks can pass by before she even sees another human being, let alone speaks to them.  There’d been scares and complications during the last three months of her final pregnancy and she’d had to relegate herself to living the life of a ‘shut in’ for the sake of both her health and that of her unborn daughter; never leaving the property aside from specialist appointments. Addie had been an incredibly determined little girl; wanting to make her debut long before it was safe for her to do so. It had been nothing short of a miracle when the doctors had managed to tide things over until week thirty-four, and everyone that had been providing care had thought she’d been in the NICU for the long haul. Only for her to prove them all wrong; being released after only a week and a half.

 A fighter. All five pounds, ten ounces of her.

 Normally Esme would spend the first part of her morning -after the older kids had been shipped off to school-  on the beach; Addie in the carrier strapped to her body, Declan toddling along beside them, allowing him to stop every so often to splash and stomp in the water or play in the sand. Today they walk the road instead, Mac’s leash secured around her waist, one hand pushing the baby in her stroller, the other tightly gripping Declan by the wrist. He is quick and has no fear and won’t think twice about bolting into the woods or onto someone else’s property.

 The pavement is hot but comfortable against their bare feet. It was one of the things that she had found so unusual at about Australia at first; no one ever seemed to wear shoes unless going into businesses, and even then, occasionally footwear would be noticeably absent. It is one of the charming ‘quirks’, going hand in hand with their laid-back natures and accents and hilarious slang words. An entirely different way of life; a refreshing and welcoming change of pace. Everyone seeming much more relaxed and calmer.  Friendly. Always willing to help one another out, whether friends or strangers. And while Colorado had been lovely in its own right, it often felt too ‘fast.’ That life was constantly hectic, barely given you a chance to catch your breath, never mind admire your surroundings. Everything about Australia is incredible to her; the scenery, the people, the way you just take time to enjoy everyone and everything around you.

 But it is still lonely at times. Outside of her own family, she doesn’t really have a life; no relatives that can visit, no friends to talk to or hang out with. It has been that way for years; long before she’d ever met Tyler. Once her first marriage had disintegrated, she’d begun the long and arduous journey of ‘rediscovery;’ more than content with the job she had, jumping from place to place, and living out of suitcases, never forming bonds, or putting down roots. She’s older now though; almost thirty-six. And lately she’s found herself craving more.  She had thought that she was perfect content with just being a wife and a mother, but her heart has begun to yearn for something extra.  Mom friends that she can talk to whether it be face to face or through a text, other women she could have lunch dates and engage in ‘girl talk’ with. Needing to be more than that someone’s spouse. Someone’s mother. Needing…wanting… to exist outside of the comforts of those two realms.

 And she feels guilty for that. As if she’s taking every thing she already has for granted. That she is makes her selfish for wanting more and she should just be happy with the way her life already is. She has a lot more than a lot of women in the world:  a supportive, loving, and helpful husband, five beautiful and amazing kids. Shouldn’t that be enough?

 ****

 It is a beautiful morning. Brilliant sunshine, the sky a vivid shade of blue and cluttered with enormous, pure white clouds. The temperature is always cooler where they are; a few to several degrees lower thanks to the abundance of trees and the winds that roll in off the ocean. And she is comfortable in a pair of tattered and weather jean shorts and a hoodie over her t-shirt, one of her husband’s ball caps pulled low over her eyes. It’s become a habit that she wishes she could break herself of; a hat used more for disguise than a cute accessory or protection from the sun. That paranoia still lingers; that there could always be someone out there watching, hell bent on revenge and looking for the perfect opportunity to enforce it.

 The walk is slow going; Declan routinely stopping to investigate things, whether it be rocks and sticks he finds particularly interesting, or wildlife that lingers at the tree line that he wants to watch. He is infinitely curious about the world around him, noticing everything and anything, big or small. He hasn’t met and animal or person he hasn’t liked, and vice vera. Out of the five, he’s the ‘charming’ one; able to melt hearts with those striking blue eyes and mischievous smile. Extremely affectionate and loving to everyone he meets, even old ladies in the grocery store who always seem to be enamoured by the thick red hair and the outrageously long eyelashes. While Esme may be biased -as all mothers are- he is just damn cute. A sweet little personality to go along with an even sweeter face. And she can’t resist pausing to take pictures of him with her phone; so adorable in his backwards baseball hat, loose tendrils of hair sticking out at the ears.

 She sends one of the photos -of Declan holding a baby garter snake and flashing that trademark smile that crinkles the corners of his eyes (his father’s smile)- to her husband’s cell, along with a text that reads: see what cute babies you make?

 The house closest to them has been up for sale for three months; a one-story white stucco place with elaborate Japanese inspired front gardens and an interlocking brick driveway. The property itself is much smaller that what they own, but no less stunning. She notices that not only has the ‘for sale’ sign been taken down, but there’s a bright blue Suzuki hatch back in the driveway; tailgate up, surrounded by boxes being unloaded by the home’s new owner. A tall, statuesque blond with vibrant pink, purple, and aquamarine highlights in her shoulder length tresses. And she watches -albeit briefly- as the woman continues to remove items from the back of the car. The couple that had lived there before had been in their eighties and absolutely hated kids and would complain about Millie and the twins ‘running wild and unsupervised’ in the road despite the fact that their father would have been  less than ten feet away. Never directing the complaints to Tyler himself, but waiting until they’d see him leave and then knock on the door to confront her. So it’s nice to see someone younger. That hopefully won’t be such a miserable asshole.

 The front door of the house has been left open and a pug comes waddling out; immediately noticing them at the end of the driveway, which starts off a round of barking from both the smaller dog and Mac and absolute excitement from Declan who begins repeatedly shrieking ‘oggie!’ and tries to yank his wrist out of her grasp. He’s incredibly strong for a little guy; heavy, solid, and powerful. And Mac -still barking yet thankfully not bolting- parks himself right in front of the toddler to block his path.

 The woman in the driveway smiles and waves to them in greeting, and that’s when Esme makes the ultimate mistake; letting go of her son’s hand to wave back. He seizes the opportunity; taking off up the driveway the second he feels his mother’s grasp release.

 “Oh my god Declan! Get back here!” she bellows, and unleashes Mac from around her waist, allowing the dog to chase after him. At the most he’ll grab the toddler by the back of the shirt or knock him to the ground. He’s done it before with each one of the kids; showing an incredible instinct -and with no training- to protect the little humans. “Declan William!” she hollers as she hurries after him and the dog. The latter now making friends with the initially startled pug; the new homeowner scooping Declan up and settling him on her hip.

 “Well hey there cutie,” the blond gushes, gently taking hold of his hands as he tries to tear the unique and colourful glasses off her face. “Who are you?”

 “This is Declan,” Esme responds. “And he’s not usually this much of a shit head, I swear.”

 “You’re just a curious little man, aren’t you! You just wanted to come and meet Stan-Lee. Here, let me introduce you…” their new neighbour drops down to one knee and places Declan on her thigh, taking his hand in hers and then running it over the pug’s fur. The toddler giggling with the dog licks at his hand. “See that? He likes you already! He loves to meet new friends. Especially little ones.”

 “I am so sorry,” Esme can feel the blush in her cheeks. “I’m usually not that stupid. Letting him get away like that. Especially on the road. Although no one but us ever comes down this far. We used to get people that would speed down here and park on our property to get into the woods. But we own all that, so my husband went out and scared the crap out of them with a hunting rifle and they never came back. You must think I’m a shitty parent.”

 The blond waves off the mere suggestion. “Not at all. They get away sometimes. No matter how hard we try to stop them. Not to mention he’s crazy strong! Two? Two and a half?”

 “Seventeen months. I know. He’s absurdly tall. But so is his dad. I am sorry he ran over like that. Bothering you and your dog and…”

 “It’s no bother. Honest. I’m Salena,” she offers a hand, and Esme accepts it warmly.

 “I’m Esme. And that’s Mac,” she nods at the German Shepherd as he playfights with the pug. “It’s actually Macaroni. Don’t ask. My son named him. And this is Adeline,” she gestures to the stroller. “Be we call her Addie.”

 “Is this your little sister?” Salena speaks to Declan as she places him on the ground and takes him by the hand, leading him to the stroller. “How about you show me your little sister. I bet she’s a cutie, just like you. May I?” she asks Esme, taking hold of the corner of the blanket that covers the buggy.

 “Of course.”

 She peels the blanket back, then places a hand over her chest. “Oh my gracious! Look at you, pretty girl! Aren’t you just a darling! You’re just new.”

 “Very new,” Esme confirms. “Only two weeks.”

 “And you already look like that?”  Salena looks over the top rim of her glasses as she eyes Esme from head to toe.

 “Please! The clothes hide everything, trust me. I’m huge. And I feel gross.”

 “You’re crazy! You look amazing. Are these your only two?”

 “No. There’s three more,” she says, and the neighbour’s eyes widen. “Five-year-old twin boys and a soon to be six-year-old daughter. I know,’ she laughs. “I’m crazy.”

 “I just can’t believe that body’s had five kids. Five’s the limit?”

 “Four was the original limit but by husband wanted one more. I don’t know who is more insane. Me or him.”

 “Well if these two are as beautiful as they are, I can only imagine what the other three look like. The red hair comes from your husband?”

 “His mother. Declan’s the only one with it. The other three are blond. Or light brown. Whatever you want to call it. And the last one is all me. Which I feel I deserved after having four that look and act exactly like their father. All that work and getting fat and I don’t get one that looks like me? That is some bullshit.”

 “Would you like to come in?” Salena inquires, nodding towards the house. “I have a breakfast casserole in the oven, and it is way too much for just one person, even with leftovers.”

 “We shouldn’t. We were just on a walk before lunch and we don’t want to impose or…”

 “You won’t be imposing at all. We can sit out back and chat some more. You’re the first person I’ve met since moving to Cookstown. I was staying a hotel right in town while waiting for the house to close. It would be nice to have a friend that’s close by.”

 It’s tempting, and as much as she loves the idea of having a friend…especially a neighbour…she knows Tyler will be hesitant. He’s severely overprotective. Beginning after Dhaka and becoming increasingly worse over the years, hitting its peak after the McMann incident. In his mind, everyone is a possible threat. Including the neighbour with the funky glasses and the colorful hair.

 “Just stay for a little while,” the other woman urges. “Just for something to eat and a little chat. I don’t bite. I promise.”

 “It’s not that and it’s not you, believe me,” Esme attempts to explain. “This is going to sound really weird, but things went really bad before we moved here and I’m a little…apprehensive…when it comes to new people. It’s not personal. I swear. It’s all my own issues.”

 “I promise I am not a serial killer. Just come in and have some lunch and let me spend some more with this cutie pie,” she tickles Declan’s stomach until he’s giggling hysterically and beaming up at her with the utmost adoration. “Just an hour,” she says. “If I bore you or I annoy before then, you can leave. I won’t hold you hostage.”

 “Okay,” Esme finally agrees, as Salena scoops Declan up once more and leads the way towards the house.

 ****

He receives the text message just as he pulls his truck up in front of his father’s new place; a small, cottage style bungalow in a newly established retirement and nursing care community in Port Douglas. It had been bittersweet when he’d eventually found out that the old man had sold the family home. The years there hadn’t all been horrible; there’d been a handful of good memories made between those four walls. That house was the last physical tie that Tyler had had to his mother, and the new owners had bulldozed it with plans on custom build for the lot. The demolition had finally erased all the dark secrets that the place had once held. All the cruel words, all the tears, all the holes in the walls, all the beatings.

 Killing the engine, his pulls his cell from the side pocket of his cargos and checks the message. A slow smile spreading across his face when he sees the picture of his youngest son, and the words that his wife had sent afterwards. If there is one thing they excel at, it’s making beautiful children. And the activities that help with the actual creation of them. He texts her back, telling her that they’ve just reached his dad’s place and have two stops afterwards close to home. That he loves her and the kids and will see them soon.

 He begins to ask where she is but decides against it. It will only irritate her if she feels as if he’s keeping tabs on her and attempting to control her. She claims he’s overprotective to the point of suffocation, something that the therapist had said they’d touch on in the next session. Why he is the way he is and what he can do to either control it or stop it altogether. Tyler doesn’t necessarily want to be that way; he doesn’t want her to feel as if he’s locking her away in the house and controlling every move she makes. But he’s already come so close to losing her. Twice. And he doesn’t want to take the chance of there being a third time.

 So he doesn’t ask. Even though it gnaws at his stomach that she’s out there. Off the property. With two of his kids in tow. Instead he pockets his cell, pulls the keys from the ignition, and then finishes the coffee that sits in one of the cup holders between the front seats.

 “How are we going to explain me?” Ovi inquires. “Am I just going to be some guy that you hired or…?”

 “He already knows all about you.”

 “How much does he know? Or what does he know?”

 “Your folks were friends of mine and Esme’s, they died, left us you in their will. Nice and simple. It doesn’t need to be complicated.”

 The lying never stops. Not when it comes to the old life. To the old Tyler. But at this stage in the game -with his father not functioning properly in the first place- he doesn’t see the need to burden the old man with the truth. Chances are he’d be extremely pissed and/or disgusted and wouldn’t even remember what he’d been told the next day.

 “And you think he believes it?” Ovi asks.

 “Mate, I don’t even know if he knows who I am anymore. Chances are he doesn’t even remember I have a wife and kids. Or that I even told him about you already. But if he asks, that’s what we tell him. Got it?”

 Ovi nods.

 Tyler opens the compartment between their seats and fishes out the extra bottle of anti anxiety meds. It’s always smart to have them on hand; never knowing what situations or environments will bring on an attack. But he can already feel the heaviness in his chest and the dryness in his mouth, and he takes three of the pills and places them under his tongue, waiting for them to full dissolve before putting the bottle in his pocket.

 It’s a hell of a way to live. Having to dope yourself up just to be able to get out of the goddamn car.

 And he’s plain fucking sick of it.

 ****

 The personal support worker greets them at the front door; a short and stocky Aboriginal woman clad in brightly patterned scrubs and bearing a name tag that identifies her as Maggie. She as kind, almost sad eyes, and a soft, pleasant smile and her grip is deceptively strong when she shakes their hands.

 “You must be Trevor,” she addresses him.

 “Tyler,” he gently corrects, and removing his sunglasses, hangs them on the neck of his t-shirt.

 She offers an apologetic smile. “He told me he was expecting someone named Trevor.”

 “Trevor was his brother. My uncle. He died twenty years ago. But I’m Tyler. His son.”

 “This happens, you know,” she sighs. “Moment when they can’t remember the people in the present, but they remember the ones from the past. It isn’t personal. It’s just the disease. It’s a cruel thing; what it does to people.”

 He nods in agreement, trying to at least appear sympathetic. But he feels nothing. No empathy. No pity. No sorrow that his father is slipping away. No regrets that they’ve let the years go by without even attempting a reconciliation.

 “You just moved back, I hear,” Maggie comments, as she leads them from the front foyer and towards the back of the house. “Were you gone long?”

 “Five and a half years.”

 “That’s a long time to be away from home. What made you come back?”

 “I came into some money and I was able to retire early,” Tyler explains. It’s not a total lie; that part did happen. It just wasn’t as easy as he’s making it sound. “My wife and I decided this was the best place to raise our kids.”

 “Well I can’t argue with that. Is this them?”  Maggie pauses in the hall between the living room and kitchen, nodding at the frame photographs on the wall. “Your kids?”

 It’s their school pictures from last year when they’d still been in Telluride. Before they’d ever heard of Michael McMann. And one of Declan when he’d just been a baby; not even crawling or walking yet.

 Tyler nods. “They’re a year older now. And we added another. A little girl. Two weeks old.”

 Maggie arches an eyebrow. “You’re telling me you have five kids?”

 “Yup.”

 “Five kids,” she breathes and shakes her head. “Boy, you’re either both brave as hell or you’re both just plain crazy.”

 “Maybe both?” Ovi suggests, and then laughs when Tyler directs a playful elbow into his stomach.

 “I actually have six kids,” Tyler says. “If we count him,” he jerks a thumb over his shoulder. “When he’s not being a smart ass.”

 Maggie looks Ovi up and down. “You’re one of his…” she nods at Tyler. “…kids?”

 The young man nods.

 “And just how does that work? When you look like you do…” she looks at Tyler, then at Ovi. “…and you look like you do.”

 “They took me in,” Ovi explains. “Six years ago. After my parents died. It was in my mother’s will. That I was supposed to go to Tyler. So…. here I am.”

 “Here he is,” Tyler confirms, and tousles Ovi’s hair. “Congratulations. It’s a boy. All six foot one and two hundred pounds of him.”

 “He’s not my father, but he is my dad,” Ovi says. “And that’s good enough for me.”

 Maggie gives a slow nod of agreement, and then once again leads the way down the hall. “Your father insisted we put those pictures up as soon as he moved in. He’s extremely proud of his grandkids.”

 Tyler doubts it. On both counts.

 “He’s having one of his ‘okay’ days,” she says. “Woke up knowing what day is, what month, what year.”

 “But thinks his dead brother is going to show up,” Tyler tosses out. And again, nothing. Not even the slightest hint of sadness. The man doesn’t deserve any. Not after the life he’s lived. Not with all the things he’s said and all the things he’s done.

 “He may have just screwed the name up,” she suggests. “I mean, you’re his son. He obviously knows your name.”

 “I haven’t been his son in a long time,” Tyler says. It doesn’t hurt to admit. It just is what it is. In the same way that Ovi may still bear the Mahajan name, but his father had stopped being a part of his life a long time ago because of his own selfish and evil choices. Just as Tyler’s old man had destroyed their relationship with the use of a belt or a fist or whatever else his father could get his hands on.

 “You’ll always be his son,” Maggie’s tone has a scolding tone to it. “He helped give you life.”

 “That’s about all he did. He knocked my mum up. That’s it. I know you mean well, but you shouldn’t be lecturing about how things are between him and I. I lived with him. You didn’t. So how about we just cut the chit chat and you mind your own business.”

 She holds her hands up un surrender, then nods towards the sliding glass door that leads out onto a small patio. “He’s out there. Likes to sit in the sun and listen to the birds. He’s a very sweet man. Very gentle. Very good to us.”

 Tyler gives a derisive snort. It will be a cold day in hell before he acknowledges any of those traits. Because before the old man’s brain started going on him, he was a tyrant. Controlling and manipulative. Drinking far too much. Treating his mother like a slave and then degrading her and beating her if she dared stand up for herself. And when she’d died, all that cruelty and abuse had been turned onto his only child. He could forgive what his father had done to him, but there’s no goddamn way he’d ever forgive him for what he’d done to his mum.

 ****

 His father sits in an old porch swing; frail and sickly looking, a far cry from the man he’d been the last time Tyler had seen him six years ago. When he’d still carried himself with a hint of cockiness and superiority; shoulders still broad, eyes still icy and intimidating. He’s a shell of his former self, and Tyler almost hates himself for viewing this as a form of karma. That after years of treating people horribly, the old man has been reduced to needing help from complete strangers to perform even the smallest of tasks.

 “William, “ Maggie speaks from the doorway. “You have company. Your son and your...” she looks at Ovi for clarification as to just who he is.

 “Grandson,” Tyler finishes for her.

 “Your son and your grandson are here,” she continues. “They’ve come to visit.”

 Tyler gives her a small, appreciative smile and then waits until she steps back into the house and shuts the door before turning to Ovi. “Why don’t you go and find that list he supposedly made of the things we need to fix. Probably on the fridge or the kitchen table or...”

 “TV,” his father speaks up. “It’s by the TV.”

 Tyler smirks. “Go check there. See what you can do on your own. I’ll be in in a few.”

 Ovi nods, then gives a nervous smile and a small wave when he notices Tyler’s father watching him, a puzzled look on his face.

 “Go on,” Tyler encourages. “I need a few minutes here.”

 “Okay,” Ovi agrees, and slips back into the house.

 “Hey dad,” Tyler greets, as he grabs one of the patio chairs and places it facing the swing, sighing heavily as he sinks down into it. “You know who I am right?”

 His father nods, then leans forward and takes a hold of Tyler’s chin, turning his face to one side, then the other. “They let you keep that fur in the army?”

 “I’m not in the army anymore. I haven’t been in it for a long time.”

 “The war is over? They sent you home? From Afghanistan?”

 “I was in Afghanistan sixteen years ago. The war’s been over for a while. That one at least.”

 “So you’re home now?”

 Tyler nods.

 “I don’t know if I have enough room here for you. There’s not a lot of space. I had to get rid of the old place and downsize and...”

 “Dad, I have my own place to live. In Cookstown. With my wife and my kids.”

 He looks puzzled. “You have more than one now? When did that happen? Wasn’t Sarah just getting ready to have Austin?”

 Tyler sighs and runs a hand through his hair, then over his face. “Sarah and I haven’t been together in a long time. Since Austin died. That’s almost sixteen years ago now.”

 His father cocks his head to the side, confusion in his eyes and lining his face. “It is?”

 “I got married again. You were at the wedding. In Sydney. Same little place you and mum got married at. Near the opera house.”

 “Tiny little dark haired thing?”

 “Esme. You made a joke about her having a weird name.”

 “Esme...Esme...” his eyes squint as he tries to remember. “...cute wee thing. I like her. She’s a sweetheart. You’re still married to her?”

 “Six years and counting. She’s still putting up with me somehow. Do you remember meeting your granddaughter? Amelia? I brought her to the old house.”

 His father nods.

 “She’s going to be six in a couple months. I’ve also got twin boys that just turned five. Tyler and Tanner and another boy that’s seventeen months, Declan. And we just had another baby two weeks ago. A little girl. Adeline.”

 The old man smiles. “Your mother’s name.”

 “We call her Addie for short.”

 “That’s nice. Real nice. That you named her after your mother. She loved you so much, you know. Your mother. You were her pride and joy. The light of her life. I’d never seen her so as happy as she was the day you were born. She was a good mom to you. A real good mom.”

 “Yeah....” Tyler clears his throat noisily, trying to rid himself of the lump of emotion that sits squarely in his windpipe. “...she was.”

 “She’s a good mom? Your wife?”

 “She’s an incredible mom. I couldn’t have asked for a better mother for my kids. Or for a better woman to give me children.”

 “Six years?” his father asks. That you’ve been together?”

 “Six years and a couple of months,” Tyler confirms. “I haven’t screwed this one up. Not yet, anyway.”

 “Must be a good woman. A strong woman. To put up with the likes of you. You’ve always been a handful.”  It isn’t said with malice; there’s a soft smile curving the old man’s lips.

 “She keeps hanging in there. Keeps giving me another chance every time I screw up. Which has been a lot, unfortunately. But she never gives up on us. On me.”

 “Don’t let her get away. You’ll regret it if you do. And treat her right. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. You’re better than that. You always have been. You’re better than me. Thank Christ.”

 “Well I guess that’s one thing I do have to thank you for,” Tyler muses. “Showing me how not to be.”

 “And you’re back home? In Australia?”

 “We were in Colorado. We just move back six months ago. We should get you out to the house. You’d love it. It’s right on the beach. Awesome spot. And you’d get to see Amelia again. And meet your other grandkids.”

 His father smiles. “I’d like that.”

 “Maybe for Amelia’s birthday,” Tyler suggests, and then stares down at his hands; palms up, studying all the callouses and scars that years on the job have left behind.

 There’s so much he wants to say. Things that he needs to get off his chest in regard to the nightmare that he’d lived through growing up. He wants to punish his father; make him feel even the slightest bit of regret and remorse for all the things he’s said and done.

 But he doesn’t. Because whatever he says will never come close to the torment that’s always taking place in father’s broken mind.