#cancelled my doctor's appointment for mental health stuff at the last minute

[fingertipsmp3]

I love knowingly making bad decisions

[cakesexuality]

AAAAA health update at 11 months Lupron, 4 months add-back

My uterus keeps hurting randomly in the last few days 🙃

But yeah anyway some stuff happened!!!

Went to see a new ophthalmologist bc the old one canceled indefinitely and told me to find a new one

New ophthalmologist didn't find anything but is copying my gynecologist on it

Went to see a new allergist bc the last one was an ASSHOLE

New allergist didn't find anything but at least had more patience than the last one 🙃🙃🙃 and was willing to actually talk to me about stuff

I stopped taking Latuda after those first 4 days and haven't gone back to it since stopping, even though an after-hours doctor at my GP's office encouraged me to continue taking it

I decided to see what would happen if I went to a walk-in clinic about my mental health and?? Got a prescription for Abilify after talking to the guy for like 5 minutes??? I'm just surprised bc my expectation was for him to hear about my symptoms and be like "That sounds like it sucks, talk to your GP or your psych about it" and here he is, giving me the medication I've spent months asking my GP about

I dropped off the prescription at my pharmacy on Friday and they're gonna bring it to me on Monday

Idk how my GP is gonna feel about me getting Abilify from a walk-in but we'll find out how she feels when I see her in a couple weeks

My gynecologist's office called me twice this week, both while I was in appointments lol, offering surgery dates and the 2nd one was one that finally worked for me!! It's a little bit later than I'd hoped, bc I wanted it to still be warm outside so I can just wear a dress when I leave the hospital and not worry about waistbands, since I'm imagining it might feel like when I had whatever that was back in February/March, but it's currently booked for early October, so not too far ahead and I should be back to normal in time for Halloween!! I told them that I'm open to getting it moved to September if they have cancelations, but we're going with this date for now!!

[galariangengar]

💭

[narrators-journal]

Life after the fact

CW: mentions of some nasty stuff related to kids.

First part: Here

For the next few days you were a mess. Between the morning sickness and the guilt of having murdered someone, you were throwing up every bit of food or water you tried to digest, every shadow and small noise in your crappy, dirt cheap apartment at night sent you into a break down, sickened more with fear and the force of your sobs when you got overwhelmed. You never felt like you could relax, everything was nerve-wracking, and especially when you went outside. However, as the weeks passed, you got a handle on your fears. You weren't exactly okay, but you forced yourself to adjust and move on as best you could. As if the paranoia wasn't enough, you also had to deal with being pregnant on your own now. Oh god, I should've just stayed with Illumi! What the hell am I supposed to do about this whole thing?! You thought one night as you sat in your windowless bathroom, curled around the toilet, vomitting from the nerves, nausea, and violent sobbing, I wish I could just go back...apologize and just go back to the way things were. you lamented as you sucked in shakey, cold breaths that burnt your throat. It wasn't like you'd planned this far ahead, your escape attempt was a heat of the moment thing, fuelled by the fear of what might happen after you gave birth and the gut feeling that your partner would doom your child to a life akin to his own, which was definitely not a normal, healthy, or happy one. So, now you were left to suffer the last, stubborn thrashes of winter alone, in a crappy little apartment with walls so thin you could feel the last icy wind of winter when it blew, struggling with pregnancy symptoms and relentless paranoia of what will happen if or when Illumi finds you. After that night, you decided it was best to do what you could to lessen your stress, but that was easier said then done. For one, no matter the steps you took to ensure your safety, taking jobs great distances from where you live, whipping up a fake identity to use for work, limiting how often you went out, you could never fully convince yourself that you were safe from the Zoldyck family. Another thing that stopped you was your financial situation. You managed to nab a bit of cash from the car you'd stolen from the butler, using most of it on a cheap car, but, while a reasonable amount still, you still ended up taking up a job as a maid-for-hire of sorts, and usually your employers would tip you terrifically when they figured out you were pregnant, but with the gas bill, food, and the sketchy amount of rent you had to pay, you had little to nothing left to save for a better place or the baby. Finally, you realized after looking into it at one of your employer's homes during your break, that you were too far along in your pregnancy for termination, since at that point you were somewhere in your fourth month, so that left you with almost no other option than to find a way to give birth. After that, you just settled for having the child at home to avoid the paper trail a doctor's office would need and than leaving the baby at a church. They'll take the kid in and put it into foster care, which is a safer gamble than the Zoldycks. You thought, wiping the beginnings of tears from your eyes as you drove to the day's job. For the remainder of the day, you focused on your work, cleaning up toys, doing and folding laundry, making beds, the usual duties for this particular household, and did your best to not think about your past. That is, until you heard someone knock on the door while you were upstairs mopping the bathroom. The sound instantly sent ice down your spine. It felt as if the world skipped a beat in time with your heart, but at another knock, you took a deep breath and inched towards the distant door. Your heart thundered in your chest so hard that it hurt, but you picked your way down, staying away from the windows and doing your best to move stealthily with the slowly growing bump of your stomach until you could look out of the front door's peep hole. Thank the heavens it was simply your employer, a neatly dressed, glasses clad woman who you'd heard was a lawyer or CEO of some sort, not an assassin. So, just as she gave a third, more impatient knock, you opened the door,             "I'm so sorry ma'am! I couldn't move too quickly to get to the door sooner," you said, not meaning to sound near hysterics, but at least that made you sound super apologetic as the woman huffed in annoyance,             "It's fine, I just had my entire day upheaved." she said, walking in and you swiftly shut the door, not thinking much of the figure you saw standing at the roadside from the corner of your eye, she commonly had other helpers here when you were, it was likely just a gardener or someone to bring in her bags. "First, I burn myself with coffee at 6 am this morning, than I have to drive three damned hours to the airport just to find out my business trip was cancelled because the client decided to cut ties with my work! Ugh, don't get me started on tr-" The woman paused her ranting and hair adjustments suddenly, looking at you with concern and confusion on her dark-skinned face, "Are you alright, dear? Why are you crying?" Her voice was gentle, all annoyance gone when she'd realized you were upset, but it still made you jump and feel a small spark of guilt at the show of vulnerability, something you'd been fighting to repress. But your emotions had been so unpredictable recently, it only made sense that you failed.            "I-I'm sorry, I don't know what's come over me," you sniffed, scrubbing at your tears as she put a reassuring hand on your back and led you to a chair, letting you sit down,            "Don't worry about it, I just thought I was the one to upset you. Are you sure you're alright?" You nodded as she looked you over, looking so parental and compassionate, it made your heart hurt. And just like that, even more tears were falling onto your clothes as a sharp knife of loneliness cut through you. You did your best to at least slow the streams of tears, but seeing this woman you hardly knew be so motherly and understanding reminded you of your own mother, or maybe those times Kikyo had helped you through the beginnings of morning sickness or nausea. Either way, your boss' actions hit a chord and now you were trying not to bawl while she offered you tissues and talked you down from the hormonal extreme.          "I see now, must be the pregnancy talking." she laughed a little, "when I was expecting my eldest, the mood swings never really left, and just about anything would set me off. I remember one time, my husband had made me breakfast and I ended up sobbing over it for a good five minutes while he was just mortified." she said, giving you a comforting smile when you weakly laughed. Finally, when you were past the violent sobs, your boss helped you up and led you to the kitchen so you could splash some water on your face and she could get you some tea to help you relax. Once you were settled down at the table, warm cup of tea between your hands, your boss sat at the table with you and let you take a few sips before asking,           "So, do you have any plans set for the baby?" she asked, and you felt her warm eyes drawing out all of your issues. You started out pretty vague, admitting you weren't really sure of what to do, but that soon led to you going into detail about how you didn't think you'd be keeping the child and probably putting them up for adoption since you couldn't afford them. You told her that you felt so bad for the decision, but you didn't want to raise your child in poverty or worsen their quality of life in general, which your boss understood, laying her dark hand on yours soothingly as you spoke. For the next hour or so, you sat with the woman and she helped you through all of your options. You told her that the father of the child wasn't the best, so she explained good ways to limit contact and how to keep track of every instance of neglect, abuse, or anything of the sort just in case things required lawyers and courts. By the time you'd left her home for the day, you were feeling much better about your situation, and while your plans to put the baby up for adoption hadn't changed, you were much more confident in the steps to go about it. You kept that job for two or three more trips, telling your boss of your plans to stop after that. She understood perfectly and made sure your pay was doubled,           "Pretty soon you'll come up on being six months, you won't be able to do a lot in your third trimester." she pointed out after you refused to accept her money, but that wasn't the only kind thing she did for you. No, on your second to last job with her family she had basically spun you around at the door and herded you out to her car. "I understand you're trying to keep as low a profile as possible, but I can't in good conscious not have that child checked on." she told you as she drove you to a check up, patting your hand and just letting you bawl, but she refused to let you apologize for her helping. In fact, when you thought back on the drive after the appointment, she seemed somewhat sad, but you couldn't exactly place why and on the drive back you didn't want to ask and open an old wound. So, you simply didn't say anything about it and went home that night with knowledge that so far your baby seemed fine, and a tip from your boss to find some time to relax more, "Make sure to destress as best you can, it's good for your mental health and the baby." she advised, as motherly as ever. So, you decided on your drive home to give that advice a shot. At least once. So, after your last job with that family, while spring time was beginning to really settle in outside, leaving a crisp but fresh feeling night in the wake of a lukewarm day, you had borrowed a book from a neighbor and ran yourself a warm bath to hopefully relax in, even if you likely wouldn't be able to get out of it super easily when bedtime rolled around. Despite that fact, sinking into the warm water felt like heaven to your aching back, breasts, and hips. So, you relaxed in the water for a long while, two hours or so, just reading the book and occasionally putting your hand on your belly to feel the baby kick. The only thing that could've made the night better was if you had some scented candles and maybe a shoulder rub, but you were content with settling for this. All around, the night was near perfect, and that was somewhat because you refused to let your anxiety at the little creaks of your floor or the sounds of your neighbors opening their own doors in the ratty old hall destroy your good time. Eventually, you did get out of the cooled water with some work and got dressed in your comfiest clothes before going to bed, feeling rather happy and relaxed, and thus falling asleep rather quickly. That night, you had quite the weird dream. You weren't a stranger to nightmares about Illumi or the Zoldycks, but this dream was much more melancholy. At the start, it was pretty normal, a nonsensical flurry of dream-logic-fuelled, stream of consciousness, but than things got a bit easier to follow, and the dream took a turn from non-sense, to a bittersweet dream of laying in bed with Illumi again, letting him feel your belly and generally being happy with an undertone of 'something's off' to it. When you woke up the next day you were hit with a tsunami of yearning for that scenario, or any scenario that meant you got cuddled and comforted, and didn't feel so crushingly alone. For the twentieth time since the beginning of the month, you thought of returning to the Zoldyck estate, or at least making it easier for your fiance to find you, but than your common sense kicked in to stomp out that fantasy. No! If I go back my life will be more than just miserable boredom and restrictions. It'll become worse than hell! Illumi will be pissed beyond belief and will probably do something extreme to me! Your fearful inner voice had a point, Illumi had already threatened you when you'd asked to go out without him that day, he'd undoubtedly do worse to you for not only trying to run, but staying gone for so long and putting your baby under so much stress. Oh god, what would he do if I miscarry? The mere thought of his reaction was enough to settle the debate. You'd stay gone. You'd put up with the apartment that smelled of wet dogs and smoke, the paper thin walls, the exorbitant rent, you'd leave your baby at a church once they were born, and you'd go off the grid. If you could help it, you'd never go back to face Illumi and his family.

[lemonbalmgirl]

An outcome.

Because @tawghasa wanted an update after it happened.

My appointment with Kaiser behavioral health  about potentially having ADHD was this morning. Yesterday, I started making a list of symptoms I suspected I had, but then (ironically) found that overwhelming and stopped. Still, a partial list was better than none?

Anxiety was rough this morning. Managed to take a shower, eat a few bites of something, and chug some water before the appointment.

Then the appointment happened, approximately 50 minutes. The clinician stated that she was assessing my need for behavioral health services, and based on that wording, I still wasn’t completely sure if this was my diagnostic appointment or not. Turns out it was.

They asked me various questions about life, childhood, school, other mental health conditions, etc. Since I’d basically been told to trust the process and that they would weight answers to their own questions much more than anything I brought to the table with me, I wasn’t assertive with my list of suspected symptoms. And I thought that at some point, they would ask me why I thought I might have ADHD. But they didn’t.

The gist of it at the end was, "Well, you have a counselor, go talk to them about stuff. It's all probably your anxiety."

I didn't meet the diagnostic criteria, with emphasis on how I didn't have trouble with school prior to age 12 and didn’t have any hyperactive symptoms.

I don’t want to outright say that I think this clinician was wrong, because I don’t have a background in psychology or diagnosing/treating neurodevelopmental disorders. I guess I just expected there to be more interest in my own observations? If my counselor thought it was all just anxiety, I don't think she would have told me she didn’t think I was barking up the wrong tree regarding ADHD or have suggested I talk to my doctor about it, which is I how I ended up with this referral. I know there’s a lot of overlap between depression, anxiety, & ADHD, but from what I’ve read, some of the symptoms I relate to are specific to ADHD (or autism spectrum disorders) and not depression & anxiety. ((Not having the things I relate to be “official” enough symptoms to “count” was one of my anxieties about this appointment, actually.))

I held it together for the last few minutes of the video appointment, then promptly lost it as soon as it was over. I haven’t felt that invalidated in a long time. I ended up cancelling half the things I was going to do today because my fucks evaporated.

I posted about this in a filtered post on FB and certain friends made some comments that were comforting, specifically about how they’d had trouble getting diagnosed themselves and how this outcome doesn’t necessarily mean I don’t have ADHD - it’s difficult for adults, especially women, to get diagnosed and this may be an example of that.

Part of the reason I wanted to get diagnosed was validation. A lot of the symptoms I think I have - executive dysfunction, time blindness, short-term/working memory issues - are things that a certain parent always implied were character flaws, and it’s only with researching over the past year that I’ve realized just how much I internalized that during my teens & early twenties. So, I wanted validation that these were legitimate problems that I had no control over and should not have been chastised for.

The other thing is that I have a lot of difficulty existing in limbo. Do I have ADHD or not? Plenty of people have told me that I should use ADHD coping methods if they’re helpful, regardless of whether I officially have it or not. And I completely understand why they’re saying that. I also know that I find that difficult, because I don’t know if I can separate using the coping mechanisms from having the condition. And I don’t want to claim to have the condition if I don’t have it, because I know I’ll probably incorporate it into my identity like I have depression and anxiety. (This particular part of things is really difficult to articulate clearly.) And I don’t think it’s helpful to think I have a condition if I don’t, you know? But compared to depression and anxiety, you can’t say that you have a little ADHD you’re dealing with.

I’m not really sure what my plan is going forward. I’ll talk to my counselor in about 2 weeks and this will probably fill the entire appointment. I’ll probably end up doing further reading on ADHD in women and try working on a couple of coping mechanisms despite what I just said about them.

Sooooo yeah, that’s what happened.

[poetryofyouth]

I did it, I finally quit psychiatry

(I wrote this for r/antipsychiatry, but I thought I might as well post it here too. don't read if you're easily triggered)

It's been a long journey through hell, but I've had enough. I'm not taking any more shit from incompetent, clueless doctors who think they know me better than I do myself. Who do not listen to me when I beg them to change the medication and instead just give me more of the stuff that is making me worse. I'll finally be free.

I doubt anyone cares, but I'll just tell you my story from the beginning. This is going to be a very long story. Basically, I became depressed at 14 or 15, I'm a 22 year old woman now. The reason was mainly that I couldn't handle the pressure from school. I am a very ambitious, perfectionist but also extremely lazy person. I was constantly beating myself up for not achieving what I wanted to achieve but also unable to fix my behavior. I did also have some slight, not even that serious trauma from a emotionally neglectful childhood and my parents telling me I was a failure every time I would get a grade that wasn't an A. At some point it all became too much and I started self-harming. Then I got worse and worse, self harming occasionally but severely, until I finally attempted suicide at 17.

I was locked into a youth psychiatry institution against my. will. I had my rights, my freedom taken away and was forced to take heavy medications. The very first evening I asked the psychiatrist at the hospital about the side effects of the medications, but he refused to tell me anything and instead just said I should trust his professional judgement. Unfortunately I was too tired and unwell to keep asking so I just accepted not knowing what would happen to me.

They gave me very high doses of Seroquel (Quetiapine), SSRIs and other stuff that I don't even know because they didn't even tell me the names of what they made me take. I just know the names of the medications I was supposed to continue to take after the hospital stay because they were in the papers they gave me. Then after a few days I begged the doctor to take me off the meds because I was so tired I could barely move. I had never felt worse in my life. she refused and instead upped my dose further.

I got worse and worse until I managed to get access to a razor blade I injured myself with on purpose. When my roommate told the nurses what I had done, I was forcefully, against my will restrained onto a bed. Yes, they actually tied me to a bed. And then pushed the bed into a small room where I was alone, and tied to the bed, unable to move. Of course I had a severe panic attack. The room had video surveillance, but it took them quite some time to notice that I was having a panic attack. they finally came and gave me something to breathe into and I calmed down more or less, but they didn't untie me. I later had to pee, and they didn't even untie me for that. I had to pee into a bedpan while tied to the bed, with a nurse watching me. it was incredibly humiliating. I was not untied the entire night. I was restrained until the next morning. When they finally untied me, I had quite seriously injured myself from fighting against the restraints. I had basically torn the skin off my ankles, the scars are faded now but they were visible for many years. It was quite painful. I do consider this incident of being restrained against my will psychiatric abuse, especially because I was restrained for so long. In total probably 10 hours, maybe even more.

Then the hospital didn't really know what to do with myself. I had of course lost any trust I had into the nurses and doctors and shut myself off from them. So they transferred me to a different institution, a more high-security one. Of course I wasn't asked if that was okay, I had to comply. I had began to form relationships with some of the girls, so being taken away from the small support system I had was very stresssful, especially considering how fragile I was at that time.

The other institution wasn't much different, but it was good for me to be taken away from the people who had abused me. I got a tiny bit better. I started to trust the nurses there a little bit. I got along with the other patients and over all liked the hospital better for maby reasons. And then they noticed I was a little better. And then they decided I was well enough to go back to the other hospital. Of course I wasn't asked this time either. But I had made more progress there in two weeks than in the other hospital in a month. I had again started building a little support system. But worst of all, I was forced to go back to the place where I had been abused, and at the time I was still very affected by the experience. I felt incredibly powerless and betrayed, but I didn't have a choice.

Then back at the first hospital I decided I would get better, for no other reason than to finally be able to leave that horrible place.

Then two things were getting severly uncomfortable. I was weighed every week and started noticing significant weight gain. At the same time, I was hungry all the time. painfully hungry, ravenous, even. I basically felt like I was starving all the time but still put on weight. Of course that was because of the high doses of Seroquel, but no one told me. I told nurses, doctors and therapists about the hunger and weight gain, but they simply didn't tell me that was a side effect, they told me an increased appetite was a sign i was getting better. I legit thought I was losing my mind.I have struggled with weight all my life and putting weight on like that made me feel horrible.

Then the doctor decided I was well enough to start taking up school work again. I begged him not to force me to, I told them the pressure of school was the reason I was sick in the first place. Of course no one listened to me. I was forced to do school work even if I knew it wasn't good for me. they didn't care.

Then, after three months of hell, I was finally released. And only because it was Christmas, and my parents refused to leave me there over Christmas. I got a therapist and medication for home.

Then after the Christmas holidays I, against my will, started going to school again. And after about two weeks, my new therapist told me that I had to choose between dropping out of school or going back to the hospital, because school was already making me severely suicidal again. And that was one of the few good things a mental health professional had said to me. I dropped out of school and actually started getting better for real. I sometimes forgot to take my medication, and every time I did, I instanty felt better. I suddenly didn't feel like a tired zombie anymore, I actually had emotions, I felt... alive. So I begged my psychiatrist to let me stop taking medications, and a few months after being released from the hospital, I was free of them.

And everything was great. I got a job, then I volunteered in New Zealand, then, when I was in a more stable place than at 17, I took up school again and graduated with flying colors. I was doing incredibly well.

And then I started university. The first semester went okay, but my mental health quickly started deteriorating. It was the academic pressure again. That's simply something I cannot handle. Soon I started self harming again, and it became more frequent than ever before. I also got into a bad, one might even say toxic, relationship. My girlfriend had issues on her own, but her behavior towards me was often extremely triggering and I very frequently self harmed because of something to do with our relationship. I do not want to blame her for my behavior, but she often made feel worthless, like I was not good enough for her. She would frequently cancel our dates at the last minute, and when she didn't, she would be half an hour late, and when we were together, she didn't make me feel very appreciated either. I was very much in love with her and always blamed myself for everything she did. She once even talked me into having sex with her, when I had said no repeatedly. She did not accept no for an answer and kept pushing until I slept with her to make her shut up. I felt like I didn't have a choice. She didn't force me to, but she simply did not accept my "no". Anyways, it was not her who took the knife to my skin, but she was a big factor in why I did it. I never told her she was a reason for my severe self harm, I didn't want her to feel bad. I didn't hide my wounds fro. her, I mean we did see each other naked and I always had at least four or five big bandages. We just kinda... ignored that.

So then I was getting desperate and decided to get professional help once again. I went to a free psychiatrist from the student councellors and she prescribed me Seroquel once again. I told her I didn't want to take it because it had made me gain a lot of weight and made me very tired. She laughed in my face and told me Seroquel doesn't do that. I don't know if she was just incompetent or lied to me on purpose, because these side effects are experienced by pretty much every single person who takes Seroquel, they are listed in the information leaflet, and I know many people who have taken this medication, all of them had them. During the appointment, she did not even ask me how I was feeling. She prescribed me 200 mg of Seroquel XR. Now, the recommended starting dosage is 50 mg. She prescribed me a starting dosage of four times the recommended amount. Unfortunately, I did not know that back then, I didn't expect a doctor to be that negligent. I took the first 200 mg pill that very evening before going to listen to a debate. Seroquel XR takes a while to kick in, but oh boy did it kick in. I didn't even notice the tiredness that much because I was having severe heart palpitations. My vision was going from normal to black and to normal again all the time. I was dizzy and desoriented and felt my heart was about to jump out of my chest, and sometimes it stopped beating for several seconds. I legit thought I might die in the audience of a debate on ethical farming.

Of course I didn't take the pills the next day and started looking for another psychiatrist. I got an appointment relatively quickly at a private one, it was relatively hopeless to get an appointment with one my insurance would pay, but I thought if she could help me, money wouldn't matter. She prescribed me some stuff that didn't do much harm but also didn't do much good. basically, i was a little tired but that was it. i got a therapist.

About 9 months passed, I had several psychiatrist appointments where I told her the meds didn't do much good, but she never really changed anything. She also insisted that I would get tested for Borderline personality disorder and the psychologist she told me to go to diagnosed me with it. My therapist at the time agreed with me that there was no way in hell that I have BPD, but she also said that when psychiatrists see an adult who self harms, BPD is the only thing that can explain that for them.

Then fall came and a new uni semester started. I had been alright over summer, I had broken up with my girlfriend, but of course with the start of the semester, everything came crashing down.

I lasted a month in university until i impulsively took the whole pack of Seroquel I still had laying around and went to the hospital telling them i was suicidal and also told them what i had done.

Now, I have to say that the nurses in this hospital were absolute angels. They treated my with respect, I almost felt mothered. I was given a lot of activated charcoal and basically had a good night in the hospital. I also got stitches for my freshest self harm injuries, but I had several ones that were too old to be treated that way.

The next morning I was transferred. Can you guess where to? The mental hospital i had been to as a teen. Again, I didn't have a choice.

But overall, the experience at the emergency ward was not as horrible as the first time. I was an adult now and actually treated like a human person. it says a lot about my first experience that I was very surprised by that.

I felt better rather quickly, mostly because the stress factory university was eliminated. The doctor there again insisted that I had BPD even when I said that was ridiculous. They evalued me again and the psychologist came to the conclusion that I had a borderline accentuation, basically borderline borderline.

The emergency ward doctor talked me into treatment at the psychotherapy ward, so I did that for 8 weeks. it was okay, again I was treated way better than as a teen. I was allowed to have an opinion about the medication, I was even allowed to read the little side effect pamphlets. But overall it didn't really do it, I self harmed less but I still self harmed.

During that stay I decided to drop out of university and start an apprenticeship as a baker. I found a company to work for, I loved work, then Corona happened. The company had to shut down. They laid me off after I had only worked there for three weeks. Basically I fell into a hole again, became a depressive husk again.

Then some time passes and a new therapist asked me why I didn't want to go to university anymore, she basically thought i was too intelligent not to. I told her how I could never focus, how I struggled with procrastination, how I couldn't handle the pressure and she recommended that I get assessed for ADHD. Now, I had suspended I had ADHD for years, but I didn't want to bring it up myself. I didn't want to seem like hypochondriac, or an attention whore, and after all, I had told so many people about my struggles and they never suspended ADHD. But I was relieved she brought it up and I had an "excuse" to get assessed. I was professionally diagnosed with ADHD soon after and happily went to my psychiatrist with my brand new diagnosis, I was full of hope that I would finally be "fixed". She basically told me she couldn't help me because she didn't know a lot about adhd. She prescribed me a very low dosage of Strattera (10 mg) and recommend me a specialist. I called the specialist, but they told me they couldn't give me an appointment and I should call in a few months, maybe it would be possible then.

It was july, and over the course of summer I decided I would try university again. Maybe if I was medicated for ADHD, I would actually be able to study. In fall of 2020, I started a brand new program, something very different from what I had done before.

I realized pretty quickly that the Strattera wasn't helping so I found a private ADHD specialist. I was extremely excited for the appointment. Again I thought "I only have to get through these few weeks, then I will finally get proper treatment" I didn't get proper treatment. He prescribed me more Strattera, which didn't help. The next appointment was a month after the first and again, I was excited. I was sure thia time he would fix me. I was sure after that appointment I wouldn't have to suffer anymore. But again, despite me saying I wanted to try something different, and that Strattera was not helping at all, he prescribed more Strattera.

Then university was getting really stressful, I had exams before Christmas, I was frustrated about him not listening to me. I started having suicidal thoughts again, I even relapsed with self harm, it had been months since the last time. But I more or less got through it in a piece, I even passed the exams (surprisingly), and was again looking forward to the next psychiatrist appointment after the Christmas vacation.

Strattera wasn't doing nothing, but it was not doing anything helpful. Basically, it made me feel quite relaxed, chill, less stressed. Which sounds good at first. But in order to get anything done, I rely on negative motivation. Basically, if I'm not panicking over possibly failing an exam, I'm just simply not going to study. So Strattera took the tiny bit of self-discipline and motivation that I had away and replaced it with a "idgaf"-attitude.Of course I told the psychiatrist. But can you guess what he did? Bingo, he upped the Strattera dosage. Again.

Then I had a second appointment with a new therapist, an ADHD specialist for adults. I told her how he did not care what I told him about Strattera and she was extremely upset and said that I can't let myself be treated like that. I needed to call him immediately and yell at him until he does something actually useful. I was baffled. I am not a confrontational person at all and I had never even considered actually arguing with a doctor. Yes I know, it sounds stupid in hindsight, but even after all that I had experienced, I still naively thought the professionals know best.

Okay so I called him. unsuccessful. I texted him. he ignored me. He had ignored my texts telling him that I was actually worse even before that last appointment, even though he told me to contact him with any concerns, and said that he prefered texts best, I thought he was maybe busy or something and didn't think much of it, but then he was ignoring my calls and texts. I was basically ghosted by a s

psychiatrist.

Okay I thought, then I'll simply go to someone else. To my suprise I got an appointment really quickly. I knew this wasn't a good sign, because good psychiatrists, if there even are any, don't have appointments free that soon.

But still, I had hope. And was of course disappointed again. I went to her with a professional ADHD diagnosis, but for her, that wasn't good enough. She had the audacity to tell me I needed another diagnosis from her psychologist friend who, by the way, has his office in a town over an hour away. She refused to treat me at all until I got that second diagnosis. Now,. I went to her out of pure desperation, out of knowing I simply could not go on like this any longer. Because I needed treatment quickly. And she told me she wouldn't give me that. I couldn't keep a few tears from escaping my eyea, she noticed and said very condescendingly "you don't have to cry, that's normal procedure". I tried my best to fight the tears, but as soon as I left her office, I started bawling my eyes out in the middle of town

And then I knew I was done. I had tried and tried again to get help, and I had not gotten it, I had not been listened to. Something in me snapped right in front of that office building.

I went home and threw my medication in the trash. Sure, it's bad to quit cold turkey like that, but honestly I don't care. I'm done. I'm done with psychiatry, I'm done with doctors. I have had the patience of a saint, but enough is enough. That was yesterday. And today I flipped a coin, twice, once for the psychiatrist and once for the new therapist. It told me to quit both of them, so I did.

I'm done with the mental health industrial complex. It has not helped me in all those years. I have only been sedated. Fuck psychiatry, fuck psychiatrists. Maybe I am simply meant to be miserable. I'll probably drop out of uni again, I thought I would be able to do it with treatment, but I did not get treatment, and I simply cannot do it this way. I've already attempted suicide because of academic pressure twice. Maybe I'll just have to live a miserable life working a low-paying job until I'm sad enough to finally actually kill myself. I'll probably always be a wreck, but at least I won't be a sedated wreck any longer. I'll be free, until I will be free for real.

Thank you for reading all this. I know it was a lot, but I needed to get it off my chest. Thank you.

[rainbowkittyblossomwings]

I don’t know how mentally and physically I’m gonna get through this pandemic.  So I don’t know how much I’ve updated but I’m still having issues. I was recovering but then suddenly my situation took a turn for the worse and my bladder got bad again even after all the surgery. It requires a correction surgery to insert another wire.

The problem??? All the appointments I had to check things out (like the appointment with the actual company who made the machine and doctors) got canceled cuz of corona. The doctors don’t care that I can’t sleep and am peeing every 10 minutes so I’m constantly dehydrated and all my other health issues are getting worse cuz of it. It’s been deemed non essential in this crisis.

Not like I could have gotten surgery anyway even if they went through with all of that. All surgeries in the area have been canceled to keep people quarantined.

Like I get it, we gotta make sure people don’t get sick and swell the health system. I’m one of those people in the danger zone (immunosuppressed) so I understand.

But I can’t help but feel like hurting sick people by canceling doctors appointments and important medical stuff isn’t going to help sick people. 

I don’t know. I’m just stressed and scared and sad. It’s gonna be a rough miserable couple of months for me because it’s not like this is my only health issue. My HS keeps flaring up and that requires emergency shots and drainages to fix, and I’m pretty sure that doctors office is closed too because not being able to walk is deemed “non-essential”

The bonus also is I’m super stressed because everybody is panic buying toilet paper and we didn’t and I use the restroom constantly so that sucks. And stress makes all of my other issues worse.

Anyway, I just feel like...something here in this system ain’t right. My last doctors appointment before everything was canceled the doctor was telling me that there was a bunch of lay offs at the hospital to cut costs from what corona was doing and she was worried for her job.

Like...I feel like this is just one big mess.

[purplesurveys]

688

Have you today?

Looked in a mirror? Not on purpose. We just have several mirrors in the house that I unavoidably pass by and look at.

Watered a plant? Not today, but my dad has asked me to do it a couple of times in the last week.

Worn denim? I haven’t worn outside clothes in almost a monthhhhh. And that includes denim.

Washed your hair? Technically yes. I took a shower at around 1 AM? before heading to bed.

Been in pain? Kind of. My left eye has been irritating me almost every night/morning since the year started; sometimes it gets incredibly swollen, sometimes it just feels like something is stuck in my eyelid. Either way it’s always uncomfortable and painful.

Had a nap? Haha, not yet. But since the lockdown started I’ve been having an afternoon siesta everyday. Brushed your teeth? Yeah, it came along with the ^ above 1 AM shower. Kissed someone? I haven’t been able to kiss my girlfriend in almost three weeks now and I’m miiiiiserable.  Used a cheese grater? Nah, I haven’t used one in a while.

Eaten something sweet? Not yet. I might eat a few pieces of chocnut later though. Spoken to a stranger? Not today, but we did have a village guard knock on our door earlier to give my dad a quarantine pass – it’s to confirm that he’ll be the only one in the family allowed to leave the house in case we need to go to the groceries or something. I peeked by the front door to listen to the interaction, but I didn’t speak with the guard myself. Dropped something? Sure. My bottle of eye drops. Felt upset in some way? You can say that. There’s a new trend on Facebook where groups are created so certain universities can just trashtalk one another as a joke. It was funny at first but there are some posts that have gone too far, personal, or both, and it obviously hasn’t been good for my mental health lol. Drank coffee? Not yet today. I usually have it in the evening. Walked for more than thirty minutes? I also haven’t walked much in three weeks. That’s kinda what’s supposed to happen when your entire city is put on lockdown. Signed up for something? No. I’ve logged in to certain sites, though. Travelled in a car? I also haven’t been in a car in the last couple of weeks. I was able to ride with my dad the night before they imposed the lockdown – we were visiting my grandpa in the columbary because it would’ve been his 80th birthday that day. Opened a can? Nope. Thought about doing something crazy? At the back of my head I always think of driving up to see Gab because I miss her a lot, but it just remains a crazy thought in my head. Listened to a new song? Yeah. I have a couple of saved playlists and I don’t know like 94% of the songs in both of them, so I’m always listening to a new song everyday. Written in a notebook? I haven’t. I’ve written on a piece of paper, though. Fed an animal? Yup, my dog needs his breakfast. Checked your emails? LOL NOPE, and I don’t plan to check them any time soon. Told someone you love them? Yeah, before we both turned in at like 3 AM lol. Made a phone call? Yeah I also called my girlfriend earlier.

Have you in the last week?

Update: I skipped this survey the whole day and now it’s 10:30 in the evening, and I’ve already done a bunch of stuff I said no ^ to earlier lmao but am too lazy to change. Let’s gooooooo

Travelled on a bus? Nah. The bus personally isn’t my main mode of transpo and I only get to ride them when I’m in a group and there’s no choice but to ride a bus, like for field trips or for group itineraries during vacations.

Washed your face? Yeah. I did this today because my face was feeling annoyingly oily. Put a face mask on for the first time in a long time.

Used a blender? No. I don’t think we even have a blender at home, cos no one ever makes stuff that needs to be blended.

Received a phone call? Sure. Gab and I called several times in the last week, and my grandma has also called from time to time to check up on us because the lockdown has kept us from seeing her regularly.

Talked to someone you dislike? I...don’t think so. If I did I’d definitely talk to Gabie about it, and I haven’t done that with her haha.

Consumed alcohol? Ugh, bleck. Yeah. I wanted to get buzzed last week and a bottle of Jack Daniel’s is the only thing we have in the house so I had a small sip and just... disgusting. Whiskey is just not my thing, so never again.

Eaten pasta? Spot on. We had spaghetti for dinner tonight.

Planned for an event? There is no event to plan, and it’ll stay like this for the next 3-4 months probs.

Asked someone for a favour? Sure, I asked Gab to be the one to write the write-up that’s going to be on my college yearbook.

Watched something funny? I’ve been watching tons of these to fight off boredom during the break.

Trimmed your nails? Yep, they were getting long and uncomfortable so I got rid of them.

Browsed Reddit? Also yep. School kept me busy for a couple of months and I wasn’t able to use Reddit then because I’d usually pass out by evening. But right now I have more than enough time to browse it, so I’ve been doing some catching up.

Talked to yourself? I guess? Not as much as before the lockdown though, because I’ve already been usually by myself throughout this break, and don’t feel the ~need to talk to myself.

Purchased tickets for something? Nah. They cancelled almost all future events up until May or June...there’s no tickets to be bought at all to begin with.

Felt like you were annoying someone? Meh, it happens every now and then.

Cleaned a toilet? I’ve never done this at all.

Reminisced about the past? LMAO yeah. Someone created a Facebook group that lets alumni from my high school just shit-talk the school and bring back (and reveal) old drama, scandals, and controversies. It’s hilarious, it hasn’t pissed me off, and past students exposing teachers who turned out to be trash and/or perverts is so satisfying.

Used headphones? I haven’t had headphones in a while.

Laughed with a friend? Yeah, but just virtually. I haven’t heard most of my friends’ voices in a while.

Cooked dinner and then didn't feel hungry? Nah. I HAVE helped my dad make dinner a few times this week, which is like huge baby steps for me in learning how to cook haha.

Written a list? I don’t think I have in the last week.

Played an instrument? Nope. Felt jealous or envious? It happens. Ignored a text message on purpose? Lol yeah I guess. There were times I got fed up with Gab being such a slow replier that when she replies, I stopped wanting to open my inbox. Congratulated someone? I just did! UP’s med school results were released a few hours ago and I congratulated my friend Michelle for passing. Her decision was super clutch – she initially passed med school as early as high school but she declined it so she can take journalism instead, because it’s what she thought she liked at the time. Four years into the course and she realizes she hated it, so she made the really clutch decision to review for med school exams and she ended up passing every single one she took, UP being the icing on the cake. Honestly I wish I had balls like her.

Have you in the last month?

Made a piece of art? I don’t think so.

Rewatched one of your favourite tv shows or movies? I rewatch Friends at least once or twice a month, so ya got me there.

Called a plumber? We haven’t needed to do this.

Been to a see a doctor? Yup, an optometrist. Something’s been going on with my left eye for a while, so I went in to have a checkup a couple of weeks ago.

Finished a book? I did :o I had to read an entire book to make an essay for my business news class. It’s an investigative piece on the fast food industry, which I honestly dig, so I didn’t have a hard time reading and finishing it.

Had a crush on someone? Sure.

Travelled on a train? Definitely haven’t done this at all, except for that one time three years ago when I had to do it with Jum to go to the House of Representatives in Manila.

Worn heels? I don’t think I did, no. Been to a friend's house? Yeah, I was at Gabie’s a couple times before the lockdown started. Shared a bed with someone? ^ Just her. Been to see a movie at the cinema? Haven’t been to since Knives Out last December. Paid attention to celebrity drama? Nah. High school drama though, I’ve been all over that the last couple of days lmao. Felt anxious? I feel it at least once a day. Taken an elevator? Sure. Given someone the cold shoulder? Only when I don’t reply to Gab because she takes too long to reply, lol yeah. It doesn’t last too long though; it’s just a playful tantrum thing. Purchased a new book/game/movie? Nah, I think I find most of my content on YouTube/Netflix anyway. Applied for a job? Hahahahahahahahahahhaha not yet don’t rush me. Used a printer? I don’t think so. Had lunch in a park? But do we have parks at all? Lmaooooooooo Gotten a manicure or pedicure? Definitely not into those. Made an appointment? Ish? If the one with the optometrist counts. Had a blood test done? Not since 2010. Suffered from a major bruise? Lol dude I haven’t moved a lot in the last few weeks, there’s absolutely no reason for me to get a bruise. Researched a topic in-depth? Yes. I am in school, after all.

Have you in the last year?

Been to the beach? Yep, but it’s been a literal year and not less than, and I am haaaaaardcore missing the beach. No idea when I’ll be coming back.

Visited someone in the hospital? No and I hope I won’t have to for now, given what’s been going on.

Played pinball? Ooh I just did earlier this month! Gab and I went to BGC for a whole night of partying, and when everyone went home we stayed so we can go bar-hopping, and there’s a place called Barcade that’s...well, you get the name. ANYWAY they had sooo many vintage arcade games and a couple of pinball machines, and we didn’t waste time playing each of them. It was sooooo fun.

Travelled on a plane? A couple of times.

Worn a costume? I was Dora for Halloween, so yup.

Been thrift shopping? I don’t...think so?

Thought about getting pregnant or got pregnant? Hell no.

Made a big life decision? Not really. Hasn’t everyone’s lives been put on hold because of this stupid virus?

Changed a lightbulb? Never had at all, really.

Framed something and put it on your wall? Nah. I’m not really that kind of person.

Been stargazing? I’ve been doing this a lot recently cos I’ve been staying at the rooftop at night more often. And with everyone at home, the light pollution has been clearing up and the stars have been so much easier to see.

Made a new friend? If the new applicants for our org count, then yes.

Added to a collection? I don’t have any.

Been to the dentist? Oh yeah. I had a really bad toothache throughout December but the dentist took it all away ahhdkjfhdjsfhsf I’m so grateful lmao.

Broken up with someone? Nope.

Held a baby? That’s a bigger nope.

Created a budget? Nah lmao I would never be able to follow it.

Confessed feelings for someone? Already did.

Had surgery of any kind? Nope and I hope I’ll never need one.

Quit a job? Never had a job,

Been in a car accident? NO thank god hahahahahahaha Purchased something worth over a grand? Yep, one of my Christmas gifts for Gabie was well around two grand. Pesos though, so that’s like roughly $40. Been on vacation at least 500km/300mi from home? Yeah, we always do at least one of these when my dad’s home. Applied for an academic course? Does enrolling count? I’m still in college lmao. Had your photo taken by a professional? I had my grad shoot taken last January.

[goodnessmarygrace]

Part two of my POTS story...

So where I left off last time is when corona came around.

At this point, my symptoms were affecting my mental health as much as my physical. I could not focus in school. Therefore, my grades were harder to maintain and I hardly had enough energy left for the FFA contests and other organizations I was part of. I couldn’t sleep at night no matter how tired I was. When I did get a decent amount of sleep, I never felt well rested. My “everything is fine” mask was slipping hard. I cried nearly everyday. My anxiety was raging and I constantly felt terrible for not meeting all of my teacher’s and peer’s expectations. It dawned on me that my track season was done for, whether or not the pandemic took it. It was was March and I still couldn’t run my events without nearly collapsing. Everything getting cancelled was a relief because I didn’t get embarrassed from being such a mess everyday. I had so many “diagnoses” that I assumed people probably thought I was making it up. I even thought I was making it up. I brainwashed myself again. It was stressful. Everything was so uncertain that I avoided telling anyone anything about my many doctor appointments or deteriorating health.

When quarantine began, the real healing process began as well. I went to a doctor who helped me immensely. She told me to rest for 6 weeks. No exercise. This time, I was willing to do it since I was home. I had time to sleep and no longer had to juggle all of the stuff I was in. I spent time doing what I like to do, taking walks and looking at nature, being creative and using my artistic abilities, reading and getting closer to GOD again. I could finally take a deep breath. I realized that perfectionism and anxiety ruined my mind. I drew near to GOD in prayer and told Him that whatever happened next, I would trust His plan. This is the point in my life that I truly learned what trust and faith meant. I had many more doctor appointments to come. Through them all, I learned hope. I had to have hope that GOD would guide my doctors and help us to reach a diagnosis.

I was diagnosed with sinus arrhythmia and (misdiagnosed) with an incomplete RBBB and right axis diviation. I was also diagnosed with vocal cord disfunction, not asthma. When my mom noticed my shaking, (the shaking that I had been experiencing for the past year and thought was normal) we went to a neurologist. It was the neurologist who figured out the real problem though. He listened to my wild and crazy medical history story and all the happenings of the past few years. He seemed perplexed at first and deeply sad that I’d had so many issues. He had me hooked to a heart monitor (I’m a natural at those babies by now) and had me lie down. Then I sat up for a little before going to standing. I watched the screen with excitement. Was he seeing anything? All I could see was my heart rate increase. It went from the 60s to 100s in a matter of minutes. He told me I had something called Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, or POTS for short. I didn’t really think too much about it. He didn’t explain what it was or anything and I assumed it was some harmless thing. I had bigger fish to fry. I had an MRI ordered to check on my spinal cord to see if it was tethered. I also was referred to a cardiologist. Call me crazy, but I actually hoped my spinal cord was tethered. That would mean that some of the weakness, clumsiness, numbness, tingling, chronic constipation, leg pain, and other muscular issues in my lower half could be cured or treated with a surgery. I prayed very hard in the next week that I had a tethered cord so that some of my problems could be fixed. I didn’t think very much about my POTS. As I prayed for my cord to be the answer, I also prayed that I would be able to recover if I didn’t get the diagnosis. And when the results came in and I was indeed “just fine,” I could take the disappointment. I decided then to look into POTS and figure out what it was. That’s when I realized that it was in fact the diagnosis we had been searching for all along. What a relief it was. Most people probably would think that being relieved about being chronically ill is ridiculous, but if you’d been suffering for two years for no apparent reason, you’d take whatever diagnosis you can. I had some more appointments with the cardiologist. Electrocardiograhm showed I was fine. The stress test said otherwise. A stress test is when you walk and run while hooked to an ECG and blood pressure cuff. I didn’t make it through 4 minutes of jogging before I was too dizzy to continue. My head ached for the rest of the day and I was exhausted. The weirdest part is, my blood pressure wouldn’t read correctly. Either I had no blood pressure at all or it was at 260/60!! That’s wack! I have to go back in a few months to get retested.

Meanwhile, I’ve come to terms with my POTS. I am grateful to finally know what is happening inside of me. I feel victorious even though the battle has just begun. For the past month, I have been getting increasingly worse. I nap nearly everyday where I used to nap once every 6 months, no matter how tired I was. My heart palpitates like crazy. I can literally see it convulsing frantically in my chest. I’m out of breath walking to the bathroom. I’m even more fatigued than I was during school. Standing for long periods of time is rough, but gardening is even worse. Squatting down and getting up to plant plants, hoeing the soil, and pulling weeds in the summer heat and humidity is insanely dizzying. Everything gets more difficult everyday, no matter how much water I drink, salt it eat, and light exercise I do.

Some of my friends know I’ve been to doctors. Some know I have POTS. Most of them don’t know anything. Very few are aware of what it’s actually like to be chronically ill. They don’t know that my chances of being able to play sports when school resumes are low. So you may be wondering, how am I possibly excited for the future awaiting me and glad I’ve gone through all of this in the past year? Well, the answer is because through it all, it was an answer to the prayers I prayed in the summer of 2019. GOD began putting His plan in action before I even realized I wanted it to happen. My relationship with Him is much deeper. I have a testimony now and I know what faith, hope, and trust mean. I have the courage now to let go of the activities and responsibilities in my life that are holding me back. I plan to quit basketball (I was never very good in the first place) and pursue my GOD-given talent for art. I plan to bring about a business that will impact others. I plan to show others the gift of life that only GOD can give. I plan to share my journey on Tumblr, even if no one is here to read it. I plan to lean on GOD like never before and hopefully learn a thing or two about self-love and self-care. For the first time, I can say that I’m not actually following my plan, but the one that GOD has for me. It took years for it to come into focus, but now I’m confident that He knows what He’s doing and it’s all for the best. It’s going to be an adventure, but maybe the hardest part is already over. After two years of denial and running in circles, I am finally going somewhere. Even if it means I will be limited to my physical capabilities.

I think I’m ready.

-Mary Grace

June 8, 2020

[washipuppy]

Where is my mind (this time)?

Personal stuff? On MY Tumblr? Yep, it's happening. I need to ramble, and where the feck else am I gonna do it but Tumblr?

I was supposed to go in for an Autism assessment today with my therapist. It's been constantly on my mind it all week, to the extent that I think I might actually ne worried about it, and I have no feckin idea why. It's not a test.

Anyway, it was cancelled and re-scheduled for next week. I took the day off work for it too, since it was gonna be a couple of hours, but I went back to work because I'll need to take next Thursday instead. So I guess I'm having another week with this oversized, unresolved question-mark dangling from my neck.

Background will (hopefully) be under the cut so that most of you aren't bothered by all this:

Background 1 - My therapist is kind of flakey. 

Like many people, I have a therapist that I picked entirely because I'd been without one for several years (since my last therapist retired) and I needed to do something about the tail-spin death-spiral my brain was in. I don't get to see them too often, because I work 8:30 - 5:00, 5 days a week and they tend to cancel my appointments on me thr day they happen, but I'm too tired and worn down by existence to get another one, so it is what it is.

Background 2 - I'm not trying to be weird, please stop calling me that. 

Lotta people seem to think I'm Autistic. Including said therapist, who I noticed was asking me the "Could this person be Autistic?" questions during our last session. Shortly after which I realised I recognised the "Could this person be Autistic" questions without the word ever being used. I've considered the possibility, but although I have a some traits that are associated with ASD (non-verbal episodes, repetative hand / body movements when anxious, low social situational/emotional awareness, eye contact avoidance...), I have a pretty intense imagination and I can be spontanious. If I decide I want to go shopping after work, I'll do so. If someone wants to spend time with me and I don't really have a reason not to go (e.g. a prior commitment or not wanting to spend a lot of money on something I won't actually enjoy), I'm gonna go even if it's last minute. Because they asked me specifically (General invitations offered to "the group" don't elicit this, and I'm way more likely to bail on those) and I want to keep being asked to go to things; If I say no too often, people will just stop inviting me to things. So if I'm asked to go see a band or an expo or whatever and the cost isn't too bad, I'll go. Besides, what good will it actually do me if I get confirmation that I am Autistic? It's a bit late for it to make a difference to my development, the damage has already by and large been done. I didn't see how it would actually help my life now to be diagnosed.

Background 3 - The culmination of a cascade of f**kups.

For a while, I've suspected I might have ADD/ADHD (just gonna use ADHD from now for this). It started on Tumblr, oddly enough - I follow several people here who also have ADHD and post bits and bobs about it, all of which make me go "Yes, that is a thing that is me." But I tried not to think too much about the growing idea that I might have ADHD myself despite almost everything I ever saw or read about girls having ADHD described me perfectly - From the childhood maladaptive daydreaming through to the mental breakdown in university and inconsistent job performance - because I think of myself as something of a hypochondriac* and It's trite to say "Oh, I've got ADD, I'm so easily distracted!" when the world at large is horrible and distracting. 

That is, until last year. See, I left a job I didn't like in 2018 and got one I quite liked in 2019. Thing is, even though I like this job, I'm still fucking up with an alarming frequency and I can't seem to stop. I don't know why it happens or how to make it stop, and I don't know how to make myself think or be more careful or even understand how I'm doing something wrong enough to stop. It's so incredibly frustrating and distressing to know you're going to fuck up, and to try to spend your time mitigating the inevitable**. The thing that made me think I should probably actually get myself checked out, however, was my partner. I've been forgetting a lot of things lately, getting confused, been struggling to keep things right in my head - after driving across the city for an event that had in face been re-scheduled next week, my partner sent me a comic strip from the ADHD Alien that basically outlined my exact mental stateand life. It was his own gentle way of saying "I don't exactly understand what's going on with you, but I think this might be what its called". More importantly though, it's something that, if I really do have it and can be diagnosed with it, we can actually do something about it and getting it managed would actually help my life.

And now, the thrilling culmination...

So. I figure "Feck it, 2020 is the year of getting my brain sorted out or something," and I talk to my GP about how to go about getting assessed for ADHD. My response is more or less a shrug with a side of "Speak to a mental health professional about that." So I speak to my therapist. I know ADHD often comes with ASD, so I figure okay, maybe we'll kill two birds with one stone and see about getting them both assessed.

Turns out she was going to suggest doing an assessment for ASD as well. I initially thought ADHD was in that too, but nope - misunderstanding on my part again. So I need to get off my goddamned backside and track down a way to get tested for the thing that can actually be managed and mitigated, while my stupid head spins its wheels over the thing that probably won't do anything but confirm how different/ not different my brain actually is.

Whatever it is, I worry it's getting worse.

*On a related note, my partner's atitude to his health is so different to my own. I always think I need to prove that something is wrong to my GP before anything can even be looked at. For example, I'm tired a lot, to the point I slip into micro-sleeps / blackouts at work. We thought perhaps I wasn't sleeping well due to the hole in my face being a disaster zone, which I talked to my GP about. A blood-test later revealed that my iron intake was within normal levels, but it was low within normal levels (i.e. I'm not anemic, I've just got a low iron count). So I worked on upping it with more red meat and iron suplaments. No improvement, either in my being tired levels or my iron intake levels (And my sinuses are as clear as they ever get, which is still not good). So stronger Iron checks and a test for celiac disease that I still need to get the results for, despite the fact that I'm about 98% sure they won't show anything. Basically, I'm working to prove that whatever's wrong with my sleep, a sleep study will probably be needed to assess.

My partner pointed out that I could just... go do that. On my own. I don't need my doctor's permission to check to see if I have apnea or some kind of sleeping condition. I don't need to prove I have something that warrents a sleep test, I can just go get a sleep test.

**There's also the distractions that aren't helping. I'll always find something - I made so many paper roses until that was finally burned out of my system, I went through a pad of post-it notes in a few months trying to take down distractions and put them asside before re-focusing on the task before a minor hiccup interrupted that technique, I've opened new windows on my browser and immediately closed them because I'm trying NOT to get distracted, but even if I don't put an obvious distraction in front of myself, I'll stare blankly into space and daydream instead of focusing.

[schizophelia]

September 17th, 2018: Psychiatrist and Therapist Appointments

As you can probably tell from the title of this post that I saw both a psychiatrist and therapist today.

Psychiatrist: So I saw the psychiatrist at 9am this morning. When I got to student health services, the secretary gave me two sheets of paper to fill out. One was a GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) screening and the other was a depression screening. Those are both pointless because I don’t have GAD and I haven’t been depressed in months. But that was fine, I did them anyway. After those were filled out, I gave the pen and clipboard back to the secretary and sat back down. Not long after a woman came out and introduced herself to me as Dr. K (not going to specifically use her name). 

She took me to one of the meeting rooms in the back. She asked me basic questions about me (eg. name, age, where I came from, etc). Then she asked me what my reason for seeing her was. I was kind of taken aback. Mostly because I thought she would have known why I was seeing her. She said that Dr. N (the doctor I saw one day at the walk-in clinic), Karen (therapist), and my SAS advisor had made my case a top priority. Dr. K said that I was triaged into seeing a psychiatrist. Triage is basically just a fancy word for sorting patients based on immediate needs and the severity of illness/issues/etc. So yeah, because of the high concern of my case, I was seen quicker than everyone else. We talked about my history starting from the age of 15 (when I was first admitted to a psychiatric unit) beginning at my eating disorder. So we talked about that and the diagnoses and such at that age. 

Then we talked about the bullying and the depression and my history of self-harm and suicide attempts. The topic of self-harm came up because she noticed the scars on my arms. She asked if I was currently self-harming and I said no, Then we started talking about the voices and other stuff. There was a point when I didn’t want to tell her something (it had nothing to do with my safety) and she said something along the lines of, “it’s my job to know so I can help lessen things for you...” something like that. I eventually told her despite not wanting to. She said that my old psychiatrist sent a referral with an overview of what has been happening but she said she wanted all my out-patient and inpatient records. I was thinking “ugh. Fuck.” I don’t want her to have those records. My old psychiatrist was a fucking idiot, I want to leave him behind. She wants me to sign the consent forms so she can get them from the hospital. She said something like, “it doesn’t matter what he wrote because I will form my own opinion.” You know what’s stupid? They all say that, but they really don’t know how to form any independent thought. I guess I have no fucking choice whether to let her see those records or not (fuck the whole idea of consent in this context). 

She asked me how often I heard the voices (almost always), what they say, if they do a running commentary (they do), their nature (temperament), etc. Dr. K asked me if I had any problems doing school work. I said yes; that I couldn’t focus or concentrate or remember things. She asked me if I was using or have used drugs or alcohol. I said I smoked weed a couple times a couple years ago, and the same thing for alcohol. I think she said it was good that I’m no longer using (I don’t remember). One of the questions she asked was whether I had ECT. I said no. And I honestly fucking hope she doesn’t suggest I do it once she gets to know me more. She asked me so many questions that it would be impossible for me to remember them all.  The thing I don’t like about Dr. K is that she’s coming across as a bitch. She asked me questions that I didn’t understand or know the answer to and she would sound irritated when I said “I don’t know,” “I don’t remember,” or “I don’t understand.” Like, be patient for fuck sake’s. I get confused, have trouble remembering, or genuinely don’t know.

Dr. K did not increase my medication today. She said she would like to see me regularly... how often, I don’t know. But she wants to meet with me next Thursday at 3:30pm because she said she still had more questions to ask me. So I have to go back next week. We actually went over our 1 hour appointment today. It was after 10am when I left SHS.

Therapy: Today I met with Karen, my psychotherapist. We talked about my appointment with Dr. K prior. Karen asked me how I was doing in comparison to last week, I don’t remember what I said. But told her I just met with Dr. K. She asked me if Dr. K had increased my medication.I said no, but that she wanted to meet with me next week. Karen said she still thinks I need more medication. She pointed out that I don’t look at her and that my attention is directed around the room whenever I meet with her. She said that was okay, but that she noticed. She brought up the movie “A Beautiful Mind” and said something about that but I don’t exactly remember what she said. I don’t know how this came up, but somehow I started talking about my friend that died by suicide a few months ago. She said it can be hard to lose someone you cared about a lot. We talked about my functioning and such. I admitted, that it took me almost a week to shower and that I wasn’t eating “properly” (which wasn’t due to my eating disorder) because I haven’t been able to manage time and find the motivation or energy to do those things. So my homework for this week is to attempt to shower every other night. I think I can do that. I just hope that the next time I do shower, I don’t throw up (I showered last night and felt dizzy and actually got sick). 

After my appointment with Dr. K, I had to cancel my appointment with Gillian because I had to get my prescription refilled because I was an idiot that waited until the last minute to get it filled (I needed the medication for tonight). The reason why I had to cancel was because after my appointment with Dr. K, I had time before therapy so I went to the UC pharmacy and asked them if they had Seroquel XR. They said they only had the regular release of Seroquel and not the extended release (XR). They said they could order it in, but it wouldn’t be in until tomorrow after 1pm. I said I needed it for tonight and needed the extended release formulation. So, I walked to therapy and after therapy was done, I walked to Walmart because they had a pharmacy there and that was the closest pharmacy to my residence building (besides UC) and I knew where the Walmart building was. I took the prescription there and spoke to one of the pharmacy people. The guy said that they had the generic form of Seroquel XR (that’s what I was on before) so I said that was perfect. I gave him my script and mentioned that it was my first time using this specific Walmart pharmacy. I had to fill out some forms and they took my information. He gave me a beeper thing that indicated when my prescription was ready. I wandered around the store while on the phone with my friend, Jennifer. It took them about 40 minutes or so. I think maybe they had a lot of prescriptions to fill. Anyway, I got my prescription and left the store (most people would have to pay, but because I’m under 25, all my medications are free). 

So I got home from Walmart, and made food. Then I relaxed until class.Went to my Contemporary English class and didn’t learn anything. I also learned that I am so far behind in the book. I didn’t know the pace I was supposed to read so I have to read a lot to catch up. I need structure for reading a book for a classes. Like, what chapters I have to read and by when. But there isn’t a reading schedule online on our online classroom. So yeah. Behind in that. After English I had Foundational Skills in Psychology. We talked about mental health and mental illness. She had us break into groups. We we supposed to come up with the early signs of mental illness. My group was practically useless, I came up with many ideas and one of the guys in my group looks at me and said, “you sure know a lot of examples.” I explained that I’m part of the system. After this class, I had Sociology. Sociology was a lot of information. It was really heavy. And it sounded like there was a whale in the room. I kept hearing whale sounds and it was really annoying. I don’t remember what class this was in, but I saw a government agent in one class, and I saw a seagull flying around in one of my classes too. My Sociology class ended at 9:10pm and I called my friend Jennifer again because I don’t want to walk to my residence late at night without talking to someone. In case something were to go wrong. I saw a bunny but when I got close, it disappeared. So I was confused. But whatever. I made it home and cooked pasta and used some of the alfredo sauce I have. I ate that, and washed my dishes and put them in the dishtray to dry overnight. Then I started writing this post.

I meet with my SAS advisor this Wednesday.

Upcoming Appointments/Meetings:

SAS Advisor Meeting Wednesday, September 19th, 2018 at 10am

Therapy Appointment on Monday, September 24, 2018 at 9:00 am

Gillian on Thursday, September 27th, 2018 at 12pm

Psychiatrist Appointment on Thursday, September 27, 2018 at 3:30pm

Meds:

Fetzima 120mg

Seroquel XR 200mg

[iamqueenkk]

cancer diagnosis

Hello dear friends, It is me, the stranger from down under who doesn’t really tumblr at all.

Life has again smashed me with a two by four. I have been having a pretty awful time with my ptsd, depression and anxiety since the pandemic hit, lockdowns have not been my friend and while living in Australia means I’ve been pretty lucky not to have lost anyone to Covid it’s still been a pretty awful  time. Especially moving house again in November (7 times in 6 years now… wheeeeee). June I had another awful time when someone had a long conversation with me about s*icide - which is a major trigger of mine. I had a rough couple of weeks since it then seemed to keep coming up. Mid June I find out that the government hotline I called was wrong and I was (as someone on the disability pension) in fact eligible for the (incredibly slow and badly managed) vaccine rollout. By this point so was everyone over 40 so it was a bit of a fight to get an appointment. Got my appointment for June 29, drove an hour each way to get there, had an hour observation because I have a history of anaphylaxis and the doctor freaked out when they saw the hives on my face despite my telling her they had been there for a week. A week after my first dose of Pfizer I find a lump in my left breast. I call my doctor, she organises a mammogram and ultrasound ‘just in case’. She tells me it’s most likely a blocked milk duct or a cyst. 5 day wait on the mammogram and ultrasound due to lockdown staff shortages. Dr Google suggests that a small number of people with breasts are having a lump in their breast or lymph node after the Pfizer and it can cause false positives on a mammogram. I’m reassured it’s likely one of those three things. Even on the day (Thursday) before the ultrasound and mammogram when I find a lump in my armpit which is quite painful I’m still reassuring myself it’s probably nothing. After the mammogram and ultrasound the breast technician on site says I need a biopsy. I speak again to my doctor the next day (Saturday) over ‘telehealth’ and she has the results of the mammogram and ultrasound and says she wants me to go to a breast specialist. Monday morning (her day off) she calls me that she’s gotten me into a breast specialist that day - “can I drive 20 minutes to see the specialist in about an hour and a half?”

So it’s Monday 12th of July, and the specialist asks to examine my breast, looks at the mammogram and ultrasound and tells me “I know you’re only 34, but I have to tell you based on my experience and what I’m seeing here, it’s a 1% chance that it’s NOT cancer. I want you to have a contrast CT to ensure it hasn’t spread, a mammogram while the contrast is still in your system and a biopsy today, then I’ll see you on Friday to discuss the results”. I spend the week full of ‘magical thinking’ trying to think up ways it could not be cancer and how I’m always getting the one in a million side effects and how just once can’t it be the good one in a million for once, forget the lottery - just let it not be cancer. I call my dad to tell him and he tells me “I love you, I’m sorry this is happening. Please don’t worry but I’m in hospital and have just had a stroke”. I about passed out in shock. It was just too freaking much to bear. Thankfully it wasn’t a stroke, it was an inner ear thing and my dad is fine. Friday 16th of July comes around and unfortunately I’m not, the results are back and it’s triple negative inflammatory breast cancer. It looks like I’ve caught it as early as possible, but it’s stage 3 (since there is no stage 1 or 2 for this type of cancer). Breast specialist refers me to an oncologist who can see me Tuesday 20th. They go through everything with me and send me for tests and checks and a medicine that will hopefully prevent the chemo from going after my ovaries (not because I want to procreate but because I’d like to avoid going into menopause by 35). I started double dose chemotherapy on Tuesday 27th of July. I have my next cycle of chemotherapy on August 10th. 

Sydney has been in lockdown since June 25th due to an outbreak of Delta. We locked down too late and the case numbers just keep going up. At the start of the outbreak only 4% of our population was vaccinated. Lockdown is hard because I’ve been using social interactions to stave off the worst of my depression and all social stuff has been stopped. It has also meant I have to go to oncologist and chemo appointments alone, my food delivery has been cancelled once in the last two weeks and who knows if it’ll happen again, my dad has been told by the health department and police it is illegal for him to come to Sydney to be with me during this horrible time, I’m struggling to get support staff/carers that are both 1. Vaccinated 2. Not living in one of the ‘hotspot’ suburbs, gyms are shut yet I’m supposed to be doing workouts in order to have the best result for chemo and mental health services are all overloaded. I’m struggling because I’m still in shock, it doesn’t feel real and it’s all moving so damned fast. Also it’s surreal that this week I’m not really feeling any different to how I did in June, just exhausted and depressed. I’m also frightened because the stats in this cancer aren’t good and people keep trying to be helpful and tell me how strong I am and that “your strength will get you through” but I have to fight not to respond “I’m depressed and a mess, if my strength is what’s going to determine my survival, I’m screwed!”

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate how lucky I am to live in Australia. The case number today was in our state was 319, the highest one day case jump in our state since the pandemic started, while that’s bad for us - compared to other places we’ve been so so lucky. In addition Medicare means that apart from being $60 out of pocket for that first appointment with the breast specialist, $6-$12 for the ovary meds and the meds to up my white blood cell count, everything apart from the parking is covered. The chemo itself and the oncologist as well as the scans and blood test are all covered by Medicare. Over the next six months I can expect to spend a total of about $300 on prescriptions and parking. I get how lucky that makes me. It doesn’t change that I’m living below the poverty line which is always stressful and this diagnosis is a huge thing that I just don’t know how to comprehend. I’m speaking to family and friends and usually feeling like I have to be cheerful and ‘hold it together’ when internally I’m just this pit of sadness and fear. 

[adventures-in-transmania]

It’s been a long few weeks. I’ve been trying to put words and descriptions to my thoughts and it’s just made it worse, I guess. I had Father’s day off and I got some decent sleep after the busy week before that. Apparently one day of decent sleep doesn’t cancel out the other five of shitty sleep. I spent the day mostly preparing for my shift the next morning. At 11ish in the morning, there began the whole issue of finding equipment, which took wayyy longer than necessary. Probably slept like garbage that night due to anxiety of running the account and seeing everyone I used to work with on the other side of the fence. I pushed through that day, that morning. I did it, perhaps not as well as I could have, but I got it done with a feeling of holding my head just above water. I decided I’d give myself a little bit of a confidence booster before my next shift that night, and especially after coming home to my grandmother asking about making her doctor’s appointment (because “it’ll be easier if you do it.” Of course it’s easier if someone else does it for you, like anything else in this world). I just wanted a couple hours of sleep before my next job. I slept for maybe 30 minutes. I got up, had to go outside to try and make the appointment, only to be told it wasn’t during regular business hours, so I pretty much got up for nothing. Ah, well, I figured I’d just go in early and count for a few hours, they usually can use an extra person or two (or five sometimes). I figured this would give me a little confidence booster before having to have some responsibility again. I could just get into an aisle, know what I was doing, and do it well. I’ll take responsibility for not speaking up when asked what I’d prefer to do. I really didn’t have a preference, pretty much anything else would have been fine. Anything other than perimeter work, the one thing you actually have to think about and pay attention to. Considering I’d never been put on the perimeter before, I figured I wouldn’t be this time. I did it though. Didn’t get much further than that before I had to start running the next event, which I didn’t really give myself enough time to start because they had said 8 would have been too early, but “by the time they set up..” and, of course, this was the one time all of our workers were ready to go at 8. Great stuff, off to a great start.

We get done pretty fast but I ended up staying almost 2 hours after everyone else had left and had to do some fast/accurate recounting. I’d pretty much been up for almost 24 hours at this point. I got home with enough time to try and get a couple more hours of sleep. I got probably two hours at the absolute most.

I was fucking exhausted. I was drained and beat the fuck down. I don’t really have much of a support system for pretty much anything, so I tend to say things to people I shouldn’t. Nothing bad, just they shouldn’t have to deal with emotional baggage from a person they don’t really need to be emotionally invested in. I talked to a few people about stepping down as team leader because it was becoming too much and my mental health was, well, not. I’ve had issues with suicidal thoughts in the past and it made things very hard. I learned to deal with it because it had just become another thing that seemed like it was never going to end, a new normal I guess. But when I started T about 5-6 months prior, I seemed to get a little bit better. I had more energy, I thought less about an exit strategy, I felt great, occasionally euphoric/manic but not so much that I was concerned about it. I wasn’t getting the super depressive lows either that I was so used to. It was a nice neutral baseline. I knew the thoughts got worse without sleep, so I tried to manage my sleep schedule and I even started working out and eating better (hell, even lost weight). I was doing so much better and I guess that kind of made things harder.

What I’m trying to add by saying that, I guess, is context. After that shift, I was just so exhausted. I don’t know what specifically caused it, but I left the store and broke the fuck down in the parking lot. I haven’t cried often in the last 5-7 months, but that was a good one. I was used to using my drive home from my last job for that because it was the one time I could actually be alone and it was cathartic. This was worse. I couldn’t bring myself to even begin driving home. I knew I should, I knew I needed to, but I just couldn’t. I’d like to blame just being tired, but if that was the case, a good nights’ sleep would have helped at least somewhat. It took probably 10 minutes before I could bring myself to start the car and drive home and even on the way home, it didn’t stop. It wasn’t so bad that I couldn’t drive, so at least that’s good. I got home and was instantly bombarded by my grandmother asking when I’d made her appointment for. Considering I’d had probably 6 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours and was just trying to make it to my room to lay down, I was kind of rude, I’ll admit that. Add another ten minutes of laying face down in a pillow with my sunglasses still on (super uncomfortable, btw, in case you were wondering). Got up, tried to call to make the freakin’ appointment only to find out that the office doesn’t do the procedure anyway. At this point, I’ve given up and gone into my room to try and sleep. Of course, I’m also so overtired at this point that there’s no way I can sleep. So, instead I just lay there feeling empty, numb, and all around not right.

This lasts well into the next day. I had a doctor’s appointment, had to get blood drawn (I hate needles, but at least I didn’t have to look this time). I remember making some sort of sarcastic comment to myself on the drive back and feeling reminiscently like myself for that brief moment in time. I got some sleep that night, I had to have, considering I had an entire 12 hours before I had to be up again. I spent half the day with family, my parent and the four year old cousin, which is exhausting in of itself. The other half I had to run another event. You’d think being in this job for any amount of time would have gotten me comfortable about the staff not wanting us to be in their way or some shit like that. It has not. The store itself was super busy trying to do their thing while we were in the way trying to do what we were brought in to do. Everyone was in everyone’s way. There’s certain things people do that tend to cause me anxiety and this guy, as nice as he was, hit a lot of those triggers. Not his fault, no one’s fault, but it was definitely a shift I would have like to recover from. I got probably 8 hours to recover, of which I tried to sleep. I’m pretty sure I got 3-4 hours of sleep because insomnia teamed up with anxiety is just fantastic.

It was so bad, one of the bosses came in the next morning and asked how the night before went, ‘it was easy, right?’ It took half a minute and him mentioning the name of the store for me to remember what store I did the night before.

Already I’m somewhat anxious because of the second shift I have. The type of work made me anxious last time. I don’t do well with tedious stuff, the kind of stuff you need patience for. I know I don’t. It takes a lot out of me and I need time to recover, something most people don’t understand. I made it through the first shift, no problem. I stuck around because there wasn’t enough time to drive home and do anything substantial before I had to be back up in the city. It gave me about 40 minutes to myself. I was feeling confident enough to at least get through that second shift and hopefully the shift the next morning, doing more tedious, anxiety inducing things.

I barely made it through the night. People being on top of one another and the warm environment on top of the tedious keying, I got that feeling that I needed to just get some air. It’s like an internal restlessness that no matter what you do, it doesn’t go away, you need to do something, but nothing really alleviates the restlessness and it just becomes irritation and restlessness (sensory overloaded, I guess??). I drove with another person to get there and honestly, I was so relieved to hear them say they had a ride back with someone else. I couldn’t get out fast enough and I kind of felt bad for anyone around me who had to interact with me in any capacity.

I came very close to calling off the next morning. I figured they’d have enough people, they’d have the type of people they needed. I really, really didn’t want to go in that night. I woke up feeling only slightly better about it. I only really didn’t want to go in. But I did and I guess it was good that I did. Other people had called in, which I guess would have left them a little screwed.

I got about an hour to myself between the end of that shift and the time I had to drive to my cousin’s 3+ hour recital. The recital itself was good, I was just tired. When my family and others suggested eating out for dinner, I didn’t argue. I figured I’d have time to sleep and eating out meant I’d be eating dinner at least. I didn’t realize that would be super fucking stressful. I didn’t end up getting home until late. The next day was no better. I didn’t have to get up super early, but I’m still trying to play catch-up with sleep and bad dreams have not been helping.

The first store wasn’t bad, it was straightforward and easy. I guess that was my break, looking back at it. I didn’t have to be responsible for anything other than counting.

The next store became an issue. I didn’t get any sleep between stores and things just didn’t come together in any way shape or form. It was more tedious (not as bad as the other one, but still tedious) work and I was already overtired, sensory overloaded, and anxious. The little things piled on until I practically broke down in front of several supervisors. The one allowed me to leave after I said I wasn’t feeling well. I’ve never left early from any job. I’ve wanted to (and should have) on a few other occasions, but this was the first time I actually did. Considering I haven’t called off or asked to leave early before, they didn’t ask any questions. However, it took me over 5 minutes to find one of their staff members to let me out, meanwhile I’m getting increasingly anxious and worse. I made it just outside, just out of view, before breaking down, because apparently that is my life now. Had anyone followed me out, I would have been solely embarrassed, but lucky for me that didn’t happen. It didn’t last too long, I got to my car and drove off before I even pulled up directions to get home because I was about an hour and some change from my house in unfamiliar territory. I ended up forgetting my hoodie that had my good (and only) pair of sunglasses and my jetpack charger for work. I also headed straight for a friend’s house because he didn’t have work the next day and I really, really needed the company. It’s been a while since a shift at work has made me think about finding something sharp, or taking both bottles of sleeping pills next to my bed. I had to be up at 3:30am the next morning anyway. I should have called off, but I didn’t.

That day wasn’t much better, considering they put me in the same position and the same sort of thing happened, though this time it wasn’t my fault.

Basically where I’m going with this is the same place as usual. I don’t know how things got so bad so fast. I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to fix it and I’m afraid if I don’t do anything about it, I won’t have to do anything about it because it won’t be my problem anymore. I’m afraid of how nice that sounds. I’m afraid I won’t be able to talk myself out of it one of these days. I’m getting tired of fighting and it hasn’t even been that long or hard of a fight, nothing compared to what others have gone through, so why am I not strong enough? Why can’t I just be strong enough?

[space-gae-blog]

new start ig?

so my mental health has been absolute shit lately, i won’t lie. but i will have an extra hour of sunlight tomorrow and i couldn’t be more grateful for that.

i just threw away some stuff that gave me lots of anxiety just owning, and i already feel so much better.

i went to the doctor on friday to talk about me disassociating during school to avoid working hard to result in failure and how hard it is for me to get out of bed or to even go to school. I’ve missed way too much school lately due to my depression. 

It was my brothers birthday on Wednesday and I gotta say it wasn’t fun. It isn’t nice to have a picnic in the graveyard with everyone crying all around you. Not to mention you, yourself are trying not to cry and trying to keep it together for your family.

So at the doctor I explained all that stuff and i got a higher dosage on my anti-depression/anxiety pills which is already making me feel a bit better. The doctor is forcing me to go to therapy (I keep cancelling my appointments last minute bc i get too anxious, now i’m not allowed to do that)

so now i’m here ig,, and now i’m just living?

[remembermemorablememories]

Monday, January 7, 2019

post #364

main points:

- reschedule doctor’s appointment to next monday cause doctor called in sick today

- sheena took a day off of school to focus on her health

- went with sheena to brunch and then wegmans

- look at some comedy hacks 

- 7 minute work out

- run for a mile

- play some smash online

- dinner with the fam

- smash/mario kart with sheena

- shower + feeling some chest ache/discomfort...?

- spend time with sheena cause she was feeling sad

writing this on tuesday january 8, 2018

today i:

- woke up at around 8am from a call from the doctor’s saying appointment was cancelled cause the doctor was sick. i called to reschedule and they said that they will take rescheduling calls after 9am. so i went back to bed and woke up around 10:30/11am. i got the rescheduled appointment for next monday then i got out of bed and chilled on the computer for a bit. i was feeling pretty tired when i woke up this morning. i’m not too sure why, i’ve been getting enough sleep

CES just started so the verge is putting out a lot of videos. there’s a fancy wooden block with a display...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nHzYNJd9z8

decided to go with sheena to the brunch place (TP). we were gonna go at around 12pm. i typed up my blog post for sunday, january 6 and then we left

- we left around 12:30pm. i got some more eggs benedict. sheena got another skillet, and we split the tropical crunch waffle, as per usual :P i think the guy mixed up my order cause i’m pretty sure i got eggs benedict with chicken. but there was no chicken in mine :’( oh well

we went to wegmans afterwards and i got some groceries for when i’m home alone. whole wheat bread, spinach, broccoli, tofurky, ham, cheese. then sheena drove us home. i realized while we were eating brunch that i forgot my wallet. thankfully sheena brought hers so we could pay for lunch LOL

- we got back around 2:30pm and i just kind of browsed the internet. i was looking at some comedy hacks a guy named matt made from NY. i’ve never met him before but he had some cool ones. namely, a trackpad using your keyboard keys LOL. so dank

- around 3:30pm, i forced myself to start working out. i whipped out the 7 minute workout app that i haven’t used in a long time. i did it in the living room and was surprisingly exhausted after it. i’m out of shape lmao

then i went for a run around the neighborhood which was about a mile (.9 miles), done in like 8 minutes and 30 seconds

- i came home and then drank some orange juice and chilled for a bit. then i played some more smash online. i tried to get pikachu into elite smash but failed LOL. then played with falcon. i kept going back and forth over the line for elite smash T.T. i’d lose a game in elite smash and get booted out. win a game in normal quickplay and get back in. then lose and get booted out again. sad react. i ended on a good note and stopped once i got back into elite smash

- went to eat dinner with the fam. we had some boiled eggs with tomatoes, vegetables and chicken. it was a good meal. then sheena and i finished the last fourth of her fruit tart cake

- i listened to dad for a while about his early careers. we first talked about apple/iOS development. then a history lesson on people soft from oracle. and then he told me about his first job at a place that worked for texas instruments and how that company at the time came to exist. and he talked about how when he moved out of the apartment, the landlord’s wife was actually someone he was training to be his replacement. what a small world :p 

- i also got a weird voicemail from someone. it sounded like an elderly woman who wasn’t sure where she was. i think she got the wrong phone number but i consulted josh chris and trevor for help to help me decipher what she was saying in the voicemail. it was hard to understand what she was saying

also my new phone case came in. it was $12 on amazon from SUPCASE. i put it on and changed some of my wallpapers. now my phone feels like a brand new phone. my old phone case was over a year old and getting crusty 

- played smash with sheena. we made a meme to king dedede with sexy sax man. then we played mario kart. i taught her how to drift properly by tapping back and forth when drifting so she doesn’t keep driving into a wall. she wanted to get into top 5 at least (against 150cc CPUs). on the very last race, she got like 5th or 6th overall, which is pretty good :D some more practice and she’ll be set. she wants to get good at it (partially cause at her friend’s parties they sometimes play and she’s always last)

- i took a shower around 10pm. while i was showering i felt some mild discomfort in my left side of my upper chest. i wasn’t sure why. i thought maybe it was cause i worked out today? throughout the night it kind of shifted to different points for a few seconds here and there, like to the right side, center side, then lower left side. i’m kind of concerned but hopefully it’ll go away soon. (it hasn’t gone away. as i’m typing this at 1:56pm tuesday january 8 i still feel some mild discomfort here and there on my upper left side/center side)

i could also feel my heart beat through my chest. i learned this was heart palpitations but thought it would go away after a while. i was lying awake in bed for a while looking up stuff online about what it could possibly be. some sources it was probably benign if the chest discomfort lasts for a few seconds. but mine were lasting for a few seconds but coming back every 10-15 minutes maybe? i was getting concerned. also i could feel my heart beating through my body, both on the outside from my chest and internally feel it beating. while i was getting paranoid and looking up stuff online in bed, i heard sheena get out of bed to go to the bathroom and heard her crying

- i went to hang out with her in her room for a while. she was feeling sad at the thought about going back to school tomorrow. dad heard some movement on our side so he came over and both of us hung out with sheena for a bit to accompany her while she was crying. she mentally didn’t want to go to school but was worried about pushing school off even further because that’d mean she’d be even further behind. we told her it’s okay, she can take another day off if she really needs to. mental and physical well being come first

after a while she seemed to be okay and said she wanted to get some food to eat. i went with her downstairs around 2am so dad could go to sleep. she ate half a muffin and a glass of milk

then we went to her room and watched two episodes of the office. one of them was the VP pyramid florida episode, then the next one where cathy tries to sleep with jim LOL

then we went to bed around 3am. i slept in her bed to keep sheena company as she went to sleep. and also cause i was paranoid about my chest discomfort symptoms. on the small small off chance something happened to me over night i felt better about it knowing someone else is there. i noticed i was also burping a lot and thought maybe it’s some kind of gas chest pain...? idk. i guess we’ll see when i go to the doctor next week

okay the end

almost at 365 posts!! tomorrow!! (technically today cause i’m writing this on january 8)

[sizzlingcrusadebouquetfan-blog]

How much will insurance try to offer for a stolen 1985 El Camino.?

"How much will insurance try to offer for a stolen 1985 El Camino.?

I had my camino stolen. Show quality, special interest car. How much will an adjuster generally offer since it cant be found in Kelly's Blue Book. Also, whats the process of getting more for it as Im almost positive they wont offer what the car was actually worth?

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://freecarinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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Help....My 20 year old needs car insurance... has two tickets,,, we live on long island just the basics""

Would my car insurance pay to fix a cracked windshield?

There was a crack in windshield 6 months ago. I have no ideal how it happened. Now it has gotten bigger and bigger. Would my car insurace pay to fix it now? I have AAA car insurance.

Insurance on a 2006 Suzuki GS500F?

I am 16 years old, living in California. How much is collision insurance for the Suzuki GS500F? The minimal insurance possible?""

Whats a good cheap auto insurance company on just liability? ( I am 24 in college)?

Whats a good cheap auto insurance company on just liability? ( I am 24 in college)?

Flyers insurance suggested?

This I my first time buying my own ticket and flying alone. Is it typical to get the insurance they offer for like $20 when you buy your ticket online? Would you recommend it? I think most cover your ticket and luggage?

Does getting married change your insurance?

I am currently covered by my parents health and dental insurance plan, but if I were to be wedded, would I no longer be able to use their insurance? I've been told that it changes, but I've also been told It is no longer like that anymore since Obamacare.""

Can A 17 Year Old Get Insured On A Japanese Sports Car ?

Basically wanting to get insurance on a japanese sports car ?? Would they allow it and how much would it cost ??

Car insurance question?

Im 18 (female) i just bought a 1994 ford explorer. I have my license and stuff. First time im getting insurance. I need coverage to fix my car if i was in an accident and fix the other persons etc. Would it be cheaper to the car in my dads name and get insurance under him? Hes 58 and stable job for years and good credit. Thanx

Considering suing my car insurance company?

As we all know car insurance companies in the United States of America charge males more than females to drive a car based on real world studies . This is the equivalent of not hiring females because they may get pregnant and take a lot ofdays off... Because this is truly a real world study i conducted that males dont get pregnant as often as females. So I am highly tempted to bring this up with a lawyer or at least send a letter to my car insurance company, and i want them to hurt for it because frankly it pisses me off that i am being descriminated against. Further more, in europe, this practice of charging males more because they are more likely to drive is highly illegal. I am in no way a liberal democrat but if this sensitivity bullshit is going to stop descrimination than maybe they should give a **** about me before i start caring about them...""

Help! which is cheaper of 2 cars on insurance?

which has cheaper insurance? 1. Mazda 3 touring hatchback 2009 (median level trim and automatic) 2. Volvo C30 T5 hatchback (base trim and automatic) ??? which one??? cuz my dad is worrying about the insurance for me. im 19 and going be 20 soon!

What kind of insurance do i need to get a license in California?

what do i need to get and how do i get it if my parents do not want to put me under there policy and i do not own a car myself. and i am also looking for the cheapest possible insurance

""I am 16 years old, and someone hit me from the back, will my insurance go up?""

It was clearly his fault, but will my insurance premium go up since I am a new driver? I live in California.""

Whats the best insurance company for young male drivers?

im 17. passed my test in sept this year. want to insure new citeron c1 1litre or 2001 or 1999 corsa expression 1 litre. whats the best insurance company. best quote is 3k so far.

What is the Maximum car insurance firms are LEGALLY ALLOWED to charge you monthly on a vehicle?

Let's take for example a Buick Lacrosse. What if people realized that the car had potential to be modified into a race car. So people start racing them, And there are 100 accidents a day caused by the drivers of those Buicks. How much can car insurance charge people? Is the maximum $1000/month? Is there no limit?""

Small Business Insurance?

I would like to know what is the best resource to help me find health insurance for my small business. Should I just go to an insurance broker or are there organizations (i.e. small business association) that can help me with that? Thanks!!

How to get into a new Car Insurance?

About 1.5 yrs back my wife scratched another car while parking. The claim was settled using insurance. The expense was about $1500. Ever since that the insurance company, AAA, has been increasing our premiums by abt $35 on every renewal. Now I cannot switch or shop with other insurance company since they give quotes much higher than this company. But apart from this one incident we do not have anything else on our record. Also I get discount for Home+Auto insurance. The company increased prices on our Home Insurance too. I am badly stuck with this company now. I would like to buy Auto+home from one company itself. But I really cannot move my Auto Insurance. Please give suggestions.""

Cheapest car insurance provider for a 23 year old?

I am 23 year old and had no claims up until last year when i had a little bump and now the quotes are terrible for even a little 1litre. does anyone know of realistically priced insurance company's for younger drivers? thanks for the help.

Michigan Auto Insurance Premium almost twice as much as quote!?

I'll do my best to summarize my situation, and am using estimates for days and amounts... I received a quote for auto insurance for $590 for a 6 month period from an independent auto agent. When I received my insurance policy and premium price it way nearly double (over $1,100). I cancelled the policy within a week after receiving the huge increase in premiums. Because of the time it took for me to receive my new premium and the 5-7 days for me to cancel, I received a bill for an amount due of roughly $40.00. I previously had auto insurance through the company/agent but it was for a different vehicle and paid a month in advance. My question is, why am I responsible, and how am I responsible for the premium that is so much higher than what I was quoted? I didn't sign any paperwork, I called over the phone and had the agent switch the policy based on the new quote. Auto insurance played a huge factor in budgeting for the vehicle and I feel that I was ripped off. I should be getting a credit for the 10 days that I did not use, not having to pay more for the days I did use. Thanks for any advice you're able to provide!""

How much will insurance try to offer for a stolen 1985 El Camino.?

I had my camino stolen. Show quality, special interest car. How much will an adjuster generally offer since it cant be found in Kelly's Blue Book. Also, whats the process of getting more for it as Im almost positive they wont offer what the car was actually worth?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/does-anyone-know-any-affordable-health-insurance-fenton-zoa"