#cocsa recovery

[flowersbark]

having a complicated relationship with sex/sexual things after sa is so weird because like . it'll be 1 am and ill be switching through apps and ill be thirsting over a character and then ill open tumblr and i remember everything bad shes ever done to me

[surviving-life]

Flashbacks are rough. I'm still learning how to deal with them myself. I just want everyone to know it's okay. Crying is normal. Hold your favourite stuffed animal, get comfy under a hundred blankets, or hug your friend. You can get through it.

Here's a gif of the box breathing technique:

[xx-webfoxxez-xx]

sometimes you need to whatever yourself through the beggining of your recovery.

I've been talking to my therapist about recovery lately, here are some thoughts.

i had to face a challenge today:

I've got a choice. I send the message to this nutritionist and begin my recovery or i say 'fuck it' because i know it will stay the same.

Then, suddenly, something clicked: people usually tell you that you've got to be ready or you gotta want to be better to start your recovery.

But the thing is: i think this is some sort of lie. That's why so many people can't relate and feel hopeless. Because when you hit rock bottom, you don't want to get better. Because getting better means getting out of this horrifying "comfort zone" bubble your brain has created. Anything outside your daily horror will sound uninteresting and maybe scary to your brain. We do it unconsciously.

I thought about it. I didn't want to fucking message the nutritionist.

I tried to not overthink it and quickly sent the message. I thought to myself whatever.

I didn't want to do it. But i did it. Baby steps.

[tobusysinking]

Friendly reminder that the first step to healing is opening about about it

[healingmosiac]

[flowersbark]

other sa survivors, does anyone else hate the trend of people saying like 'im gonna touch you' as a .. joke ??

[surviving-life]

Anger. It's a good emotion. I don't even have anything meaningful for this post. I just have anger inside me.

[xx-webfoxxez-xx]

today i went to a cafe all by myself.

For my entire life i haven't been able to go out by myself. I always needed someone to go out with me. Alone time wasn't a possibility in my mind, like, i never thought about it.

Until my therapist asked me if i ever thought that people liked alone time because they like their own company and i answered "no" way too quickly.

I would have meltdowns if my partner couldn't/didn't want to go out with me. I would feel bored until i was nearly raging but i would not go out because i had no one to go with me.

What if someone stared? What if someone made fun of me? What if something bad happened? How would i react? When i'm out in public everyone will be laughing at me and i don't wanna be made fun of...

That's the script whenever i'm out in public, worse if i'm by myself.

Besides everything, I've been making progress, and today, i was burnt out from work and really needed a break. I thought about invinting my partner for a coffee but for the first time ever i though "oh. I can just go out." i managed to actually want to try that. I tried not to make a big deal out of it and left with my book.

I arrived at the place, really quiet and just a few people I took a deep breath and chose the nicest place to sit, in the middle of an open space, absolutely gorgeous. The con was: this place was in the center of the cafe. Everyone could see me. But i took a deep breath an as soon as i started to think everyone's staring i quickly glanced around and noticed absolutely no one even bothered to aknowledge i was there. The waitress was nice. I managed to read my book. No disturbing thoughts came to my mind.

For once. Two decades of horror were silenced for 20 minutes. All by myself.

I think freedom has many shapes and forms, today, freedom looked like this to me:

[agirldying]

thanksgiving break is coming up. oof.

it can be difficult coming home for breaks, having to return to these memories that unsettle me. my house is haunted by the trauma that happened there. and EVERYTHING IS EXACTLY WHERE IT WAS. I mean why would my parents ever rearrange the furniture? is it weird to tell my parents "can we rearrange the spare bedroom i've been sleeping in during and since the cocsa/nccsa? when i'm not constantly dissociating because of that, it's easy to regress when my brain realizes this is the exact environment it happened in"

i'm looking forward to thanksgiving for the break in terms of seeing my parents, my dog, my extended family, and eating a hearty and delicious home-cooked meal. but i am not looking forward to walking in the door and seeing the past 2 decades of my tragic life in front of me. i am not looking forward to mistaking my bedroom for a 14 year old's. i am not looking forward to feeling oddly threatened by my surroundings, as I am reminded of all the trauma that took place here.

going home is hard.