#comes up with the least sexy and just straight up sad scenarios ever

[hellhoundlair]

sam n dean starting to mess around and starting a Thing together but it turns out one of them was possessed for the entire duration of that part of their relationship and it was a demon-forcing-him-to-watch type situation n it was actually very fucked up and no ones happy

[nakamoto-aesthetics]

test drive

{ synopsis : you and nct were bored so you decided to go around the table and disclose a lot of sexual information (it gets more and more sexual as you read on ;) }

{ genre : headcanon/sexual }

{ warning : this is solely my interpretation of nct 127 and not confirmed information }

{ word count : 1.7k }

“I guess I’ll start then,” taeyong inhales a deep breath. “…im a switch” taeyong says dramatically and puts his head down as if it was a big secret. you all looked at him with a straight face, not saying anything until he looks up again. “what?” taeyongs eyes dance around the table.

“tell me something I don’t know” you snark.

“what do you mean?” he visibly furrows his eyebrows.

“she means, we all know that you love to be tied up and whipped,” jaehyun says blankly. “who's next?” he further says cutting taeyong off completely.

“im next, let’s just go around the table,” johnny says looking at the others. “i’m a dom obviously”

“tell us why. oh, and everyone has to explain why just so they know. except for taeyong, the lyrics you write say enough” you look at him and everyone laughs. taeyong makes a face in return and you smile before looking back at johnny.

“because i’m not getting tied up and shit, the girl is. i’ll allow her to feel up on me but that’s it.” johnny shrugs and looks at haechan since he’s next.

“i’m a dom but will allow a girl to have her fun. i’ll let her do whatever she wants just because she loves it. it won’t happen too often tho because i’ll be taking control most of the time.” haechan says, nodding and looking at jungwoo.

“um… switch. I like to be in control but I also like a woman who could dom me hard. like the whips, handcuffs, blindfolds, all of that is hot. they don’t even have to be used on me it’s just the image of a woman who is like that, is so sexy. especially when they wear lingerie” jungwoo bites his lip softly, seemingly getting lost in his thoughts.

“so your like taeyong? got it. next.” you point to taeil.

“I guess… switch because I want the girl to have fun, as long as she’s enjoying it then I am too” taeil shrugs simply.

“dom… do I have to explain myself?” yuta shifts his eyes around the table.

“yes”

“because I like to do the tying up and fucking, not the other way around. but if I really love the girl then i’ll let her have her fun until I take control again” yuta explains and then leans back in his chair.

“dom but I wouldn’t mind a woman taking control” doyoung says.

“so… switch?” johnny says.

“no, dom” doyoung looks at johnny.

“no- you know what never mind. just go jaehyun” johnny makes the ‘whatever’ hand gesture.

“dom all the way because im the top, simple. my girl will be moaning my name and that’s, that” jaehyun shrugs and the group moves their eyes to mark, who looked he was deep in thought. his head was pointing down at the table, it took for a tap on the shoulder to pull him out of his thoughts.

“is it my turn?” mark asks with wide, confused eyes.

“yes mark” yuta replies. a/n: I can hear his voice lmao

“my bad, um… dom; my girl is not performing all that extra shit on me, and quite frankly I don’t think I will either. I would probably only use handcuffs and that’s it… what’s that called?” marks eyes look around the table for an answer.

“soft dom?” you furrow your eyebrows.

“yes, that’s it” he points to you. “i’m a soft dom”

“cute, next,” you say the first part sarcastically. “my turn” you smile devilishly at the boys, looking at their faces individually. some of them looked confused, blank, or amused.

“i’m a… switch” your nose scrunches up as you smile. “it really depends on the person, like if they give me sub vibes then I automatically wanna dom them but if they give me dom vibes then i’ll want to submit to them” you smirk. “I could make every single one of your dreams come true”

“oh really?” johnny cocks his eyebrow and you nod with a small smile. “alright then go around this table and say what vibe each of us give you; oh and you have to say what you want to do with us” you widen your eyes and almost choke on your spit when you hear that. the boys are amused at this and clap their hands.

“I don’t think that’s necessary” you wave your hand.

“sure it is y/n” doyoung smirks. a bunch of yeah’s come for the guys, agreeing with doyoung.

“I don’t think your ready” you shake your head, looking at all of them. they protest at this statement, making you sigh and then finally agree to it.

“taeyong” you smile staring at him. you see him visibly gulp as his eyes are staring back into yours, that’s when your demeanor completely changes. “you give me switch vibes and I want to dom you. I want to tie your hands behind your back, blindfold, and whip you. I’d want to hear your pretty noises too” you smirk the whole time you release the words. he awkwardly laughs in return, not knowing what to say to that. the other guys were a mix of amused and dumbfounded but you didn’t pay any mind to it purposefully.

“johnny” you look at him and smile innocently. he stares at you with eyes that were slowly seducing you. “dom vibes. I want you to cut off my airways with your hands and then make me cum so many times that I end up passing out” you bite your lip teasingly, trying to get under his skin a bit and it works. he’s looking back at you with dark eyes, most likely imagining the scenario.

“haechan” you bite your lip and look him up and down. “dom vibes but doesn’t mean I don’t want to fuck you from behind” you wink at him, making him widen his eyes the farthest they’ll go. “although, I do want your lips all over my body” you click your tongue and look at the guy next to him.

“jungwoo” you say lovingly and put your head in your palm. “switch vibes. your appearance changes a lot, from cute to hot in the blink of an eye. anyways, I want to dom you and give you your ultimate fantasy. I want your eyes to be focused on me and me only baby boy” you look at him with dark eyes and he returns that same look to you. “and I want those lips on my body too” your teeth tug on your bottom lip slightly before shifting your eyes over.

“taeil” you smile sweetly at him, scrunching your nose cutely. “you strike me more as the I don’t care vibes. like you don’t care if your top or bottom, you just want to be with your lover. but honestly, I would wanna make love to you more than anything and that’s the truth” you shrug and he grins.

“yuta” your eyes automatically get darker. “hard dom for sure. I want you to rail me until I can’t walk anymore, and I want to make out with you” he cocks his eyebrow at you which you find so hot but you decide to keep your cool.

“doyoung” your eyes soften at his bunny face. “switch vibes. I want to ride you and make you moan my name” you lick your lips. the small, yet effective sentence was enough to make him so flustered he had to cover his face. you knew just from that, that you’d done your job successfully and decide to move along.

“jaehyun” you look him up and down with an amused face. “dom vibes, so much that it makes me wanna suck your dick so bad. your confidence can come off as cocky sometimes but it’s hot all at the same time. I wanna make you feel so good” you bite your lip. he’s playing with his bottom lip and looking back at you with attentive eyes. you end with a wink and look to mark, to say the least, he looks terrified.

“mark” you smile with a pout playing on your lips. “calm down, you’re a soft dom obviously and I only wanna have vanilla sex, you know regular, standard sex.” you shrug.

“isn’t that boring though?” taeyong says.

“with mark, nothing is ever boring” you smile softly at mark and he gives you a light smile back. “alright i’m done” you sigh. “you guys hungry because I am” you go to stand up but johnny wraps his hand around your wrist from across the table, gripping it firmly.

“ah, ah, ah, you're not going anywhere princess, sit down and don’t make me tell you again” you swore he was eye-fucking you right now. his eyes were focused on you heavily, moving their way up and down your body.

“yes, daddy” you grin and sit down. johnny bites his lip harshly and takes his hand off your wrist. you felt a sadness at the loss of contact but then felt a hand on your thigh. you look up to find out who the owner was and you weren't too surprised to find that it was taeyong. he looking at you, looking you up and down before looking away. what was it about the outfit we're wearing that attracted all of them? all you were wearing was a tank top and some leggings, that’s literally it what was so special?

you look down at yourself immediately identifying the problem. your shirt had been too low for an undisclosed amount of time. you were on the verge of flashing them all without noticing it but you think you were more upset that they didn’t let you know.

“really guys? you couldn’t help out a friend” you shake your head and adjust your bra and pull up your shirt.

“but then we wouldn’t have gotten to see all that we just saw” johnny replies instantly.

“is that true?” you look around the table and they nod in compliance. “you all are perverts” you breathily laugh.

“you shouldn’t be talking” jaehyun fires back.

“but- you’re right” you shrug and it gets quiet. “so… what do you guys want to do now?” the guys all look at each other, smirking and nodding, some whispering to the other. you didn’t know what they were talking about but whatever it was, there was no way it was good. they all then stop talking and look at you.

“we want to test drive you”

NCT Masterlist

[hanii-rose]

•Because I can't send anon ask in askbox, can I submit it on here instead? So I have this thought:

Garou and the s/o were childhood friends but separated after Garou began to train himself in Bang's dojo. Now after Garou was defeated he comes to visit s/o's house for temporary hiding and also to rekindle their relationship.

Expect both of them getting closer after that. It mostly fluff sfw but you can throw some hot nsfw stuff for the thirst 🔥🔥

But can I request that the s/o is gender neutral, please? It's kinda sad that I rarely find a writing for gender neutral or male s/o, so I will be very grateful if you write the s/o as a gender neutral.

Thanks so much and have a nice day! ❤•

Yay another request ☺️ I tried to write reader as gender neutral, I'm not that great at it, but hopefully it's good enough to post haha

____________________________________

Reunited

Garou x GN! Reader

It had been a few weeks since Garou had inexplicably showed up at your front door, bruised and weakened. When you first saw him, you instantly recognized his signature hairdo and blazing gold orbs.

It was that kid from school! You occasionally played with him in your younger years, and the two of you had become particularly close, talking, pulling pranks and acting out other childish activities. But as you grew older, you focused more on your books and slowly started seeing less of him, ultimately drifting apart in highschool. You never saw him again, until two weeks ago that is.

After he came hobbling through your doorstep, you let him in, fed him and even bathed him. He took care of his own injuries and he's been staying with you ever since. You assumed he remembered you due to the fact that he called you by your name multiple times without you telling him. When you asked him why he showed up here and now, he explained his situation. His hero-hunting, the Monster Association, Bang's dojo and his pathetic defeat at the hands of a bald guy in a yellow jumpsuit. He told you he needed sanctuary for two or three months, at least until the search for him died down.

You understood his reasoning, albeit feeling a bit sad that he didn't come to you mainly to see you. Truth be told, you had developed quite a crush on the silver haired Adonis, even back then. But in the past, you were much too busy with your studies and his sudden disappearance left your desires unfulfilled. But now he was back, taller, stronger and much much more handsome. It reignited a little spark in your core and you constantly began to crave his touch and attention, often picturing him in the most lewd scenarios you could think of. You touched yourself so many times that you lost count. You tried not to most of the time, in hopes that he wouldn't notice your arousal. Little did you know that Garou was going through something similar.

>>

Presently, you had just returned home from work with a bag of store bought food. You hung your coat and scarf on the coat hanger and neatly discarded your black office shoes on the wooden shoe rack. You walked all the way to the kitchen, placed the bag of food down and rushed to the living room in hopes of finding your wolfish guest.

You walked in on him, shirtless, crouching on the floor and fiddling with something. His back displayed all of the hard work he had put into building himself these few years. Littered with bumps and crevices that most people could only dream of in their lifetime.

You, unbeknownst to him, gently pressed a finger down onto the back of his neck and slid downwards, following his spine to the middle of his gorgeous back. He visibly tensed and turned his head, staring deep into your curious eyes.

"You're back..." he stated, turning around and getting back to work.

"Yeah, had a long day today. What have you been up to?"

He shook his head softly and muttered, "Fixed yer damn side table. The wobbly piece of shit almost fell over when I walked by it."

You chuckled at his words while patting his defined shoulder and replied, "Well you're pretty nifty, aren't you? Maybe I'll keep you around longer, huh?"

He smirked and stood up straight, taut muscles glistened with sweat and biceps flexed as he scratched the back of his head.

"Yeah, you'd like that wouldn't ya? A personal slave to do all of yer work for ya?"

You replied with an obnoxious 'MHMMM' and exited the living room, walking yourself to the kitchen.

Opening the fridge door, you grabbed the large 2 litre bottle of coke and two large sets of glasses and decorated them atop a tray.

Holding the tray and kicking the fridge door shut with your foot, you treaded back to the living area and set the tray down on top of your now fixed table.

"Sit down, I'll fix you a drink."

Garou complied, sitting himself comfortably on top of your black couch, the leather making scratching noises as he shifted around for the perfect spot.

"Thanks for the table. I've been trying to fix it for ages."

He nodded and grinned, "No big deal. It's the least I could do."

You sat down next to him on his right, leaned forward and poured the chilled coke into the two cups. Closing the cap, you handed him a glass and sipped on your own coke. You relaxed back into the couch, your shoulder brushing his ever so slightly as you unwinded. Work was getting frustrating, even for a desk job, not to mention your desires for the wolfish man would not relent, leading to many restless nights.

"This feels way too good." you lazily stated, stretching back and leisurely taking small sips from the cup.

"Yeah..." Garou agreed softly, his cup already empty.

You noticed the lack of substance in his hand and offered a refill.

"Hold your cup right. I'm gonna give you some more..."

You grabbed the large plastic bottle from the table and twisted the cap open, pouring carefully, a good enough amount of the sweet liquid.

Unbeknownst to you, Garou had outstretched his arm behind you, resting it at the headrest of the couch. His right knee brushed up against yours gently as he scooted closer to you, inhaling your intoxicating scent. Somehow, your smell was so much more stronger when you came home from work. He noticed it once, after you had accidentally bumped into him. And that unique smell drove him absolutely wild.

You turned back after filling his cup and placed the half empty bottle down. You again leaned back getting even more comfortable, somewhat leaning against him. From this position, he could trace your body through the white flimsy fabric of your office shirt.

It was turning him on more than anything.

He chugged his cup until it was completely empty, savouring every last drop of the fizzy drink. He placed his cup down and his now empty hand found purchase upon your clothed knee. His right arm still behind you, wrapped itself around your shoulder, trapping you.

"So tell me about work." he suggested, rubbing your tired shoulder.

"Oh my gosh, you have no clue how annoying some of my desk mates are!" you began.

"They constantly take things from my desk without asking and they are so unorganized, like at least learn to number your reports when you give em' to me, ya'know?"

He hummed and sighed with whatever you said, but honestly, he didn't give a crap about your asshole co-workers. Just let him stare at your stunning legs for a while longer. He could feel his cock twitching in his trousers, your lips trembled as you angrily ranted about your fellow employees. Those same lips he wanted to ravish with his own.

"-And then I said, I'm not going to your fuckin' baby shower and..." you suddenly quieted down.

Why was he staring at you like that?

"Umm Garou, you okay buddy...?"

He ignored your question again. He was so close, you could feel his breath on your cheek! You tried scooting away, but you were held in place by his left hand on your knee, gripping with force and his right arm wrapped around your shoulder.

You placed your palm on top of his hand and he snapped out of his trance, face red and pouting.

"... Is something wrong?"

He vigorously shook his head and scratched his cheek, the blush still faintly prominent under his chiseled cheekbones.

"Are you sure?" you asked, thoroughly concerned. You placed your open palm on his back and rubbed languidly, relenting your weight on top of his. Before you could get up from your position next to him, he yanked you downwards and you plopped down onto the couch, your back hitting the foam armrest.

"Yer so fuckin' sexy, ya'know that?" he asked, sounding somewhat angry.

"Huh?"

"I said, yer so fuckin' sexy. Such a fuckin' turn on!"

Before you could protest, he swiped his hand down your middle, swiftly popping off all of the buttons on your shirt and exposing your chest and stomach. You tried to push him off but to no avail.

"Garou! What are you doing?" you inquired, feeling absolutely embarrassed. Your cheeks dusted with red and you swallowed hard.

"Fuck... What the fuck am I doing?"

He sighed exasperatedly and got off of you. Standing up, he started walking towards the guest room, no doubt to put on his shirt and leave. But before he could turn the corner, you grasped his hand tight.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm leaving. I shouldn't be around you anymore. I can't fucking control myself..." he replied, sweat dripping from his temple.

"What do you mean?"

You strutted closer to him, placing two hands on his bare chest.

"I like you, a lot. And I wanna fuck you all the time."

You were surprised, pleasantly. You giggled at his confession and leaned closer, almost falling on his hard chest.

Rubbing your hand down his stomach and over his delicious abs, you wiggled in his sight.

"I don't mind..." you spoke, tone awfully sly.

Your expression gave away your intentions and Garou found himself grasping your hips, bringing them closer towards his.

"Oh really?" he asked, equally mischievous.

You made a lusty 'mhmm' noise, confirming his suspicions.

Wrapping your arms around his neck, you leaned closer to his smirking face, and whispered, "I want to fuck you all the time too..."

"Fuck, yer such a tease!"

Giggling, you brought your mouth upto his and waited for him to place his on yours.

When your silent request was met, you closed your eyes and revelled in the passion.

He feverishly gripped your waist, slid his hand downwards, giving your ass a quick squeeze.

Breaking the kiss, he kept his face near yours, taking in your form.

"I've wanted to do that for so long..."

"Me too." you replied.

"So you wanna fuck me all the time too huh?" he asked.

"Yeah, you're the only one who can take my mind off of my demented office."

"Well then, should we get started?"

You nodded, lustfully looking into his eyes.

>>

Sitting down had become an issue for you these days. As the days progressed, so did your monster boyfriends hormones. But you two got by. You had to buy a new shirt though, and everyone at your office could tell you'd been fucked out of your mind. But nothing bothered you anymore, not even your moronic deskmates.

It seemed life had gotten better for the two of you, except for the severe back pain you had after Garou finished his dubious acts. Other than that you were fairly content with what you had right now.

[krreader]

BTS scenario → you, an angel, being in love with them, a demon.

pairing: demon!bts x angel!reader fandom: bts warnings: non idol!au ; demon/angel!au ; mentions of murder ; language genre: angst ; fluff  word count: 1.6k+

a/n: hello my love! I really hope you like it!!!!! I had a blast writing it!

kim seokjin

“Well, well, well,” the three of you looked up from the dead body when a group of demons approached, your body tensing when you saw Seokjin being one of them, “You found our little gift for you.”

“Away with you, demons!”

“Now, now, that's rather rude of you, my dear,” he laughed, then turned his head to Seokjin, “What do you think, Seokjin? Should we get into a little fight today? Or should we just leave them with the corpse of their angel friend?”

You gulped down hard at those words. That meant he took part in the killing.

He must have sensed your disappointment, because his shoulders started slumping, “Let's just leave. We did enough already.”

“Shame, I would have liked a fight with this one,” when he wanted to boop the nose of your friend, she instantly pulled out her knife, making him stumble back, “Okay, okay.. we're off. Calm down.”

Seokjin stood there for a moment longer, opened his mouth as he looked at you like he wanted to apologize, but all you did was shake your head.

There was nothing left to say.

The man that tried so hard to convince you that he wasn't like the rest of them turned out to be just as bad. You fell in love with him and you hated yourself for it now. 

Because how could a demon ever change?

min yoongi

If anyone could see him right now, they'd throw him straight out of hell.

A demon, one that was so feared and respected, lying next to an angel in bed and he was.. giggling.

“It's ridiculous.”

“No, it's not,” you pushed yourself up on your elbow to properly look at him, “Hybrids exist!”

“But not demon and angel hybrids.”

“How would you know? You don't even have any demon friends who could tell you,” you snorted and laid back down.

“Why would I need friends when I have you?” he nuzzled his nose into your neck, making you squirm and then laugh.

“I'm your girlfriend, not your friend.”

At girlfriend, Yoongi looked up with so much love in his eyes and began to smile, “Yes. My girlfriend.”

And he was.. so proud of it.

jung hoseok

Demons had powers that you angels feared. For example, they could rip out your heart and make you suffer like never before if they wanted to.

And even though Hoseok didn't do that in a physical sense, he did it in a metaphorical one.

“Go.”

“Why are you doing this?” your eyes were full of tears as you stared at the man you've come to love, despite of who he was, “We can find a solution, Hoseok, we always have!”

And that was the issue. He knew that your love for him was so strong that you'd never leave him on your own, but he was a demon and he had already screwed you up too much. You were once the perfect model for your people.. but then they had found out what you were doing.. with him.. and ever since then, you were shunned.

To you, that didn't matter anymore, because you had him, but it mattered to him.

He hated that it was his fault that you were now an outcast, especially because your duties had once meant so much to you.

So in a way.. he was doing this for your own good.

“It's over, (Y/N). Go back to where you came from. I don't want you anymore,” he sneered and then turned around to walk away.

He thought you might follow him, but your legs weren't moving.

All you could do was stare after him in shock, anger, confusion and sadness, while the first tears finally escaped your eyes and then all you could do was press your hands against your face and cry.

kim namjoon

“Stop it, Namjoon!” you yelled angrily, turning around to look at the man that was following you, “I told you why I’m ending this!”

“No, your reasoning was stupid and you know it,” he grabbed your wrists, “This isn't what you want.”

“It never mattered what either of us wants,” you laughed humorlessly, “We're just chess pieces, don't you get that? We have no right to think for ourselves, we do what we're told to do!”

“You're your own person, stop thinking you're not!”

“And they say angels are the naive ones,” you shook your head and ripped your hand away, before you now started running from him.

Namjoon couldn't understand you.

Things had been going well between you two. Maybe even too well.

That's probably why you got scared and wanted to end this before you couldn't anymore.

But he wouldn't let you go so easily, not when he still thought there was a chance that he could convince you that this relationship was worth fighting for.

park jimin

“You're staring,” you stated as you got dressed again, your back facing him, but you could tell that his eyes were watching your every move.

“Can you blame me? You're beautiful.”

These words made your heart beat faster and a smile spread on your face, but then you reminded yourself that these feelings were not right. That, if he were anyone else, it would be okay, but he wasn't anyone else.

He was a demon and you were an angel and what you were doing with him.. that wasn't acceptable.

Jimin must have realized that you were thinking about this once again when you didn't answer and didn't continue getting dressed either, instead you just fiddled with the shirt in your hand. His arms sneaked around your middle and pulled you close, so close that you could feel his lips against your throat and then his hot breathing against your ear.

“Stop thinking so much, love.”

“Easy for you to say. You're not the perfect angel in this situation.”

“No, but if you think that my boss would be thrilled to hear what I'm doing here, you're wrong,” he turned you around and cupped your face in his hands, “Hey.. I know this makes you worry. But we'll figure it out together, okay? We just have to be careful.”

“I wish my people could see you right now. If they knew that you weren't like what they always told us you guys were.. maybe they'd change their mind.”

“Well, most of us are assholes,” he made you chuckle, but then became serious again, “I just found a reason not to be anymore.”

You smiled a little and closed your eyes when he placed a soft kiss against your forehead.

kim taehyung

It's been too long. He should have been back hours ago and at this point 'worried' wasn't the right word anymore, not when he went down to hell to.. well.. resign. Something that wasn't exactly common under demons.

“This isn't the place for you, angel,” one of the guards said when you wanted to go down.. way down.

“I need to. There is someone I need to find.”

“You go down there, you never come back up again. Not that we'd mind,” the other guard chuckled, “We could use some new, fresh meat down there if you ask me.”

“Enough,” Taehyung's voice made both of them straighten up, “You two disgust me,” he spit on the ground before them, then grabbed your hand and pulled you away from them, “Are you insane?! You can't just go into hell!” he sneered.

“You were gone for too long! I got worried!”

“That doesn't..-” Taehyung let out a sigh and once you were out of eye and earshot, his posture softening, “I'm fine and I can take care of myself.”

“Then.. things went.. well?”

“As well as can be expected,” he shrugged, “I got threats from every single person that got word of it, but.. it's a start.”

Swearing off of being a demon and an angel wasn't a decision that you had made lightly. But you were.. expecting, unexpectedly so. And you both knew that raising a child in this environment wasn't right. You needed to get away from all this, even if it wouldn't be easy. Taehyung's demon friends would probably always be a threat and your angel friends wouldn't even lift a finger to help you anymore.

You were on your own here.. but at least you had each other.

jeon jeongguk

“Are you.. blushing?” you wanted to be sexy, but now you couldn't help the laugh that escaped you when you saw Jeongguk sitting on the edge of the bed, his entire face now flushing red.

If anyone should blush, it's you. You were the angel in this situation that wasn't experienced with sex, he was the demon that was supposed to be insatiable and already has had countless of affairs in his lifetime.

But that wasn't Jeongguk.

And maybe that's why you liked him so much.

“You know I've not done this many times before,” he got up, his steps a little unsure, but when he grabbed your hands, his grip was firm, “But I'm glad I get to do it with you.”

This was not a situation that you ever saw yourself in.

Sleeping with a demon, losing your precious virginity to a demon.. but then again, he wasn't just a demon to you. He was more than that. His name was Jeon Jeongguk and he was a kind and loving man. The fact that his eyes were black didn't change anything for you.

He was still the same guy that you fell in love with and that you wanted to share this with.

“Me too,” you smiled happily, then wrapped your arms around his neck and kissed him deeply.

[literaphobe]

season three of she-ra rated by catradora content

the price of power: adora talks about how she thinks the others at the horde can change too and when u think about it in the “at this point in the story, she still hoped catra would change” way it’s like wow :’) we knew that but wow :’) it sucks tho that in this scenario she’s actually wondering specifically if shadow weaver can change, which :/ hm :/ bc shadow weaver sucks. adora really fucking called her out on her abuse tho which is so sexy, and yes that has nothing to do with catradora i just felt like i really wanted to mention it at least <3 shadow weaver is a loserrrr <3 but.... she does mention “catra betrayed me” which makes adora do her “oh, catra?👀” eyebrow raise. i swear she cannot keep a straight fucking face whenever someone mentions catra. it’s like. are you lgbt or something? :/ 2/10

huntara: no catra this episode, but adora’s reaction to huntara will forever go down as one of her stupidest gay moments. u think catra knew super huge buff ladies were adora’s type? how fucking funny would it be if catra thought she never stood a chance with adora not because of the internalized homophobia shadow weaver instilled in them but simply because she thought she was not tall and buff enough for adora’s taste. “adora doesn’t want me!!!!! not like i want her..... because i’m not swole😔” 0/10

once upon a time in the waste: very funny and sexy of catra 2 be like. hm. i was sent here to die. i have completely given up on my hopes and dreams. oh wait what did you say? she-ra?😏 and she was blonde?👀 she’s got a sword?😩 she was angry?😽 her name is adora?👅 and all of a sudden catra is like nope existential crisis over. i’m gay again. and also evil again. that mix culminates in her giving a sexy monologue. did you know that if you’re gay and evil you will give very sexy monologues? and also sword lesbians will fall in love with you despite your questionable morals? anyway, catra takes over the whole of the crimson waste. i won’t discuss how since technically it doesn’t involve catradora but it was really hot okay😔 also adora was being really hot and powerful and fearless (she did not even flinch as bats flew in her face. hello?) and Angery this ep but i will also not get into it😩 i will however remark upon how both catra and adora low key had meltdown monologues this ep, and it is :( but also hot and cool of them. now, i will move onto when they meet <3 catra starts slow clapping as her goons creep onto mara’s ship and poison dart the best friend squad. they only send three darts flying and the last one is blocked by huntara. we have to assume that catra only ordered her team to send three darts for huntara, bow, and glimmer, leaving adora for last because catra has to greet her with, and let’s say it all together—“hey, adora😼”. adora tries to make a run for her sword but catra uses her new sexy cool whip to take it away. ��i think this might be the quickest i ever won a fight. always so dramatic with you, isn’t it, adora?” adora tells huntara to save bow and glimmer first, leaving adora as catra’s only prisoner. 👀👀👀👀 soon after, everyone is celebrating, and catra sits in the big chair on mara’s ship like it’s a throne, casually draped over with adora’s sword in her hand, the long blade just resting between her legs. and. hooooooooooooooo boooooooooooooiiiiii. let me just. let me just have a second over here okay folks? this is all very hard for my sexuality to take. i don’t think u all realize how hard it is to make these evaluations. every day i have a breakdown over how hot one of them is. it’s one thing to just watch the show but every time something gay happens (so like, every five seconds) i gotta pause it and take notes (by take notes i really mean start ranting about it like this) and then i gotta like rewind it and shit to double check and i have to force myself to just be repeatedly subjected to the gayness. starting to get a little homophobic tbh! okay back to the show. catra is so fucking sweet and makes everyone cheer scorpia on too. she breaks out into this beautiful giggle. oh my god her laugh. bitches falling for this catgirl left and right smh. catra grabs scorpia’s claw and drags her away from the party. we also find out this is when catra learns about what a party is. remember how adora didn’t know what a party was either? :( damn. they deserve to have absolute ragers ok. catra starts talking about how valued and cool she will be when they go back and show hordak the sword, etc, and scorpia is like. but what if we didn’t do that. what if we just stayed here and had a gay life. a good honest gay life filled with sick parties and gang leading. and catra is like oh right.... u have a point..... i do hate the horde...... wonder why that is.... and then scorpia makes a fatal mistake. she says “forget adora!” which is about the dumbest thing you can tell a self destructive catgirl who’s been in love with adora her whole life but also kinda resents her atm. and catra is like perhaps i don’t want to forget adora. did u consider that scorpia? did you not think about how i crave her lips upon my mouth every night? fuck u im gonna go uh... find adora n maybe tie her up even more idk >:( catra goes to “check on the prisoner”, according to her own words. what does that mean, catra. like what. ur gonna go see if adora wants some tea? something 2 eat?👅 someone to kiss? Fkskdjdjdj adora is obviously struggling against her restraints and trying to break free, and the second she sees her she goes “catra, you can’t do this! >:(“ and catra is like “well, hello to you, too.” because MANNERS, adora, like god damn it catra always puts in the tender loving care and effort to greet you and you can’t even say hello? :( catra dismisses the goon who was previously guarding adora, because when you.... talk to your..... best friend turned enemy who’s now your prisoner. ur gonna want some privacy ya know😌😩👀😔 anyway catra is like ok.... once again.... y can’t i do this. and adora is like more horde army might come in!!! which. adora baby i love you but maybe don’t make that the thesis statement of your sales pitch? to the person who was second in command at the horde?? not to nitpick but if i were u i would’ve just said “noooooo don’t open a portal that might destroy reality ur so sexy ahaha” OR “if u give me back my sword and decide NOT to rip apart the fabric of this dimension i’ll kiss you on the mouth❤️” i know that u think ur feelings are one sided and that catra isn’t in love with you and that you can’t seduce her to the bright side💔 but u actually could have 💔 fkdkdjdjdj moving on.... catra says “never a dull moment with you❤️” which is weirdly so romantic. like yeah they’re enemies but catra gets bored when adora isn’t around. life is always exciting when adora is there, in catra’s eyes :’( like damn bitch if you like her so much why don’t you just marry her haha. please? <3 adora continues to explain that we will ALL lose if hordak opens a portal, light hope and mara said that opening a portal will endanger everyone!! and catra says the funniest thing. “you’ll listen to anything weird old holograms tell you, won’t you? you should really try to get over that. :/“ LFKDKFKDKFKFKFJ GIRL YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS BEING THIS FUNNY. but then adora says the wrong thing :( she brought up you know who and said “shadow weaver told me” and catra.... :( she’s like. how did. she tell you. and adora’s voice goes soft and it’s like “you didn’t know?” because from what she knows catra is allegedly the one who betrayed shadow weaver, not the other way around. and catra grabs adora by the collar and pulls her in and adora gets this gasp and. let me just scream for five minutes. okay. i’m back. so. catra pulls her in and she’s like HOW. and adora just very slowly and cautiously tells her the truth. that shadow weaver is in bright moon. and :( catra :( she lets go of adora and comes to this. very destructive realization that shadow weaver “left her” for adora and that all the pain she’s felt is all Because Of Adora. that, just by being adora, everything, all the happiness that catra could have had, has been taken away. which she is wrong about but that’s what she thinks :( and adora realizes that this is. not good. and she gently goes “catra?” because the look on her face must be worrying to adora, and catra starts to walk away and adora desperately calls out to her. “catra, please, you have to listen!” but...... it’s too late :( and catra is enveloped by the darkness. 9/10 for the collar grabbing shit and just the inherent gayness of their connection and interactions but also this is all so sad bros :( my bros are all devastated

moment of truth: catra walks back into the horde with her arm around adora’s shoulder. hm! Hm! HM! really doesn’t feel like she needs to do that! but she’s doing it anyway! later on, entrapta and adora are alone and talking. “catra would say anything to get whatever she wants.” true, but also not true, adora. she wants to be your gf, but has she said anything about it? no :/ that’s in like 2 seasons. and you were literally about to die so she low key had nothing to gain. so :/ think carefully next time. fjsjfjsjdjdjd entrapta pulls out the funniest cutest bar graphs of data, and there’s like four categories and for some reason catra has low scores for the first three but a really high score for the last one? i desperately want to know what that is. adora says “look, i understand. catra was my friend, too.” and she casts her eyes to the side when she says this. as if.... that statement is a lot more loaded than it seems. because yes catra was adora’s friend. but also wasn’t she, at the same time, so much more than that? yes <3 it was because they were best friends <3 gal pals <3 “but she makes bad decisions. this is one of them.” :( yeah i mean what am i supposed to do. disagree with that? it’s so wild to think about how even through all of this adora never hated catra. arguably, she never stopped loving her either. which. sigh😔 pour one out boys we are yearning tonight! entrapta leaves the room, asking adora if she’ll try to escape. and adora is like “no?👀” which is irrelevant but also really funny. another irrelevant thing i want to bring up is catra when she’s losing in a fight against shadow weaver. “so, what? you’re on the side of good now? you made me this way, and you get to be the good guy?” bro. fucking.... bro. catra’s lines istg.... also her being able to take on gang leaders and princesses and take those people down easily but to lose so quickly to shadow weaver... y’all know what that is right :( sigh. wait. i’m not done let’s sit very sadly on this next line for a bit. “do you know what happened to me after you escaped? do you even care?” i’m gonna cry okay. right. back to catradora. catra is. really unhinged and devastated and destructive right now :( and so she marches into entrapta’s lab and demands that they fire up the portal machine. entrapta says they can’t, because “adora was right” and immediately that sets catra off. she gives this barely restrained chuckle and is like “adora is right.....” and she’s just. having a full on breakdown. she’s just filled with so much anger and resentment.... i can’t even joke and call it a hate boner man, and that sucks because i would love to call it a hate boner :( “adora gets EVERYTHING she wants” no catra, you are wrong. she wants you. she does not have you. case closed. adora has literally only truly wanted one thing in her life, and she does not have it because you won’t give it to her 😔 in conclusion, adora p much never gets what she wants :( why don’t you go over and hug her and then maybe you’ll calm down. i know it’s more complicated than that but still😔 anyway, catra is very determined to not let adora win, so in order to beat adora, she decides they have to open the portal no matter what, because that’s the one thing adora seems to not want right now. some very not chill stuff happens, and catra runs into hordak’s lab and demands that he opens the portal. she lies to hordak and says “oh you can’t trust anyone, especially a PRINCESS” and she turns over to glare pointedly at adora. which is. SUCH a bitter ex thing to do. “they’ll just use you to get what they want” CATRA SHE LOVES YOU :( SHES IN LOVE WITH YOU SHE ONLY EVER WANTED TO BE WITH YOU :( and also she was raised to think she only had worth if she did what others expected of her and that everyone’s happiness and safety was somehow her responsibility. and that it would be better for her to die than for others to get hurt. she was never trying to use you :( you were the only thing that ever made her selfish :( bow, glimmer, and shadow weaver run in and fight with hordak and catra, and catra realizes she has to pull the lever now or it’ll be too late. adora desperately yells “catra, please, don’t!” and catra looks at her for a last time, evil smirking before she does it. roll credits. 8.5/10

remember: oh, we’re really in it now huh :( we hear the last lines from catra and adora from the last episode, and i think this is a part of adora’s dream. she is woken up by catra gently saying her name <3 then by catra a little bit angrily saying her name fjsjdjdjd adora wakes up with a shock and catra is sitting on top of her. HHHHHH. okay. adora shoves catra off and catra is like ???? damn what usually u pull me closer and hug me when i wake u up😔😔 wtf. but catra grabs adora’s wrists to calm her down anyway and gives her this pretty reassuring look, and she jokes “heh, since when do you sleep in? u usually wake up early to flirt with me!” as we all know adora gets nightmares even from her days in the horde so catra just treats this as normal and tries to make adora feel better as usual. ground her and say lighthearted things to make adora remember that she is safe. i mean technically the universe is collapsing in on itself rn so making adora feel safe isn’t the Best thing to do but catra also thinks the fake reality IS reality atm so that’s not her fault <3 adora is confused about how she got “here” and catra finds this strange because adora is in her room! she has her own room now, because she’s force captain! which makes u wonder whether catra and adora would sleep in the same bed if adora was force captain. would catra creep in and sleep in her bed still? would they lock the door and cuddle? oh well! guess we’ll never know! they... are so soft here, just smiling at each other, catra worried about adora, adora smiling back and deciding to just dismiss what happened as a weird dream. “there was something i needed to fix...” “of course you dream about work. there’s nothing to fix adora. everything’s perfect.” hhhh i know everyone in the fake reality thinks Everything’s Perfect too but can we just be gay for a second and think about how a perfect life for catra is just... to be with adora. can we just chomp down on that meaty thought for a sec? :( ok anyway, catra puts her hand on adora’s shoulder and adora smiles and is like wow ur right :) this does feel pretty perfect i mean catra and i are in bed together what could be so wrong💞😜😘👅😎😩 catra pulls adora up to her feet and says “come on, get up” and adora is perfectly happy to just chase after catra. it’s so fucking unfortunate tho that she decides at the last second to pick her ugly ass jacket up. like baby, no. u look perfectly hot as is in that white top. but she needs the jacket to see her force captain badge so she can get Visions or whatever. like goddamn i know the world was collapsing in on itself but imagine if shadow weaver had never been like abusive and the horde was just some chill ass ugly hangout spot instead of a fascist regime. catra and adora really could’ve just been happy huh? :( anyway catra gets kinda annoyed that her gf is not chasing after her any more and instead putting on her ugly ass jacket and looking at it in the mirror. so she’s like “adora! :(“ and adora goes running. she always comes when catra calls for her😌😌😌😌 and then the opening credits play, giving me whiplash. wow that was such a gay fucking cold open. adora walks side by side with catra and is a little weirded out by all the people saluting her and shit. and she’s like lmao wtf what are they all looking at and catra is like u u beautiful idiot. ur hot, and also the invasion of thaymor that u led went perfectly❤️ ur the hero of the hour i’m so proud of you babe❤️ catra is just a proud happy gf who smiles so beautifully and adora is getting more Visions and Flashbacks. but catra is so hot when she’s proud of her that adora decides that she’s gonna be like YEAH OMG I DID THAT WAR CRIME RIGHTS <3 and salutes people like a fucking idiot. and catra does the whole flirty “oh please, you couldn’t have done it without me ;)” bit and wraps her gay arm around gay adora who looks like she’s in heaven, hilariously pushing adora down a bit because catra is SHORT FJSJDJDJD and adora is like “rightttt ;) what would i ever do without you ;)” and man to be a horde soldier witnessing their flirting. i would start yelling slurs at them immediately. adora elbows catra with her arm and they both laugh, but the force causes catra to bump into a horde soldier. and the soldier makes the fatal mistake of reacting normally and being like HEY WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING TWERP and catra is not amused. adora puts her hands on her hips, glaring at the soldier, and he immediately gets so fucking scared. and the soldier is like UHUHUH FORCE CAPTAIN I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE— I’M SO SORRY. didn’t know she was what? DIDN’T KNOW SHE WAS WHAT???? gay????? banging this angry catgirl????? in the middle of flirting with her??????? WHAT DOES IT MEAN. what does it ALL mean?????? and adora is just like YEAH U BETTER BE >:( disMISSED >:( like fucking WHAT?????? yeah how dare u get mad at my gf for bumping into you. it is YOUR fault for existing while we were roughhousing as part of a very intricate ritual. u ruined the FLOW of our flirting u jackass. u fucking bitch. now we gotta start all over again :( and then like the soldier leaves while v terrified and keeps bowing at them and catra and adora just bursts out laughing at each other. they’re that lesbian couple who will bully u in school and feel zero remorse for it. that is so fucking sexy. i wish that were me. catra proceeds to make fun of the soldier she bumped into and didn’t even apologize to all “oh, force captain, don’t hurt me! UHAHASHUAH” and adora plays along with the re-enactment by posing and acting tough. catra really do be flexing her privilege as gf of everyone’s boss huh. she’s that secretary who WILL spit in your coffee and kick you in the shin all because the CEO is in love with her and they’re like slamming ass. catra is like. just straight up rubbing it in everyone’s faces that she’s untouchable because adora is in love with her. that’s just. that’s just greaaat. they both start laughing again at their own jokes. and yeah they’re both pretty funny people but like ok lesbians. have fun being happy or whatever. catra is like “too good” and adora is like hehehe baby!!!! where are we going again and catra is like to the locker room!! there’s something i wanna show you😘😘😘 because you know they’re in love. them just walking down a corridor together feels like a straight up date. adora thinks they’re taking The Long Way instead of this shortcut she knows with a side door but that door is gone and suddenly this throws Doubt again. and i guess that door got swallowed up by the reality-collapsing portal but damn adora :/ what’s wrong with taking the long way? :/ too good to spend some quality time w ur gf? :/ JFJSJDJ anyway catra is like what? no this way is the right way :) the scene can be read as cute gfs who argue about directions even tho it’s just a walk to the locker room ❤️ i wouldn’t say it’s the right way to read the scene bc the point is that parts of reality as adora knows it is disappearing but shhh. i am gay <3 catra immediately starts worrying about adora again and she’s like DO U HAVE A CONCUSSION :( and like grabs adora’s face which is so cute. she also accidentally shoves adora towards her chest so adora has No Choice but to stare :) good for you adora “i know you get hit on the head a lot” JFKSKDKSJDJD man but catra gf goals tho :( get u a girl who will check if u have a concussion because you get hit on the head a lot, most of it accidents 😩😩😩 “but i figured your dumb little hair poof would cushion the blow” HDHJSSHAHSHSHSH GET YOU A GIRLFRIEND WHO WILL LOVE YOU EVEN THO UR HAIR POOF IS DUMB😳😳😳 adora is a tiny bit >:( about being roasted for her hair choices and also a bit >:) because catra touched her and she’s like LMAOOO IM ALL CHILL M8 😩👌🏻💅🏻😎 “don’t make me kick your butt” as she shoves catra. wow adora! watch where you’re putting your hands! jk i know i know :) you simply have no choice because the only place to shove someone is to push their tiddies :) i understand and approve :) catra responds to adora’s threats with “pft ;) as if you could” which is just yet another invitation for them to “fight” :). u know how i feel about catradora and their roughhousing? it’s like. u know how people talk about men fighting each other as an excuse to touch? i feel like catradora said yeah that’s ours now. and they’re right. it’s theirs. they literally. they fucking giggle and shit as they start shoving and hitting each other all the way to the locker room. and lonnie is like SURPRISE and adora’s reaction is so funny she legit looks like she got mad p*ssy blocked and she’s like the FUCK. and catra isn’t as mad bc she kind of like planned this cute like i love you adora❤️ surprise party. because it’s a surprise party! for adora! adora is like damn whats this?? grey ration bar cake w my face drawn on it? also from the looks of the drawing i feel like catra definitely drew it. isn’t that so fucking cute. adora hugs lonnie (yay) and kyle (what the fuck gross???) and she’s like u guys 😩😩😩u got the gray kind.... that’s way better than the brown kind.... lonnie is like “hey, it was catra’s idea!” implying that catra definitely specifically told them to make the cake out of the gray ration bars, not the brown ones. and adora. let’s all take a deep breath. she goes. “oh yeah? ;)” in the most. insufferably flirty way ever. like in that Wow This Was All You Huh ;) way, with her stupid hands on her stupid hips giving catra this 😏😏😏😏😏😏 look. and catra is like ;) casually leaning against the wall, her arms all crossed. it is interesting to note that adora keeps putting her hands on her hips and catra keeps crossing her arms. i think that’s really cute. catra says “eh, whatever, don’t make a big deal about it” but it is a big deal catra. u don’t just plan cute surprise parties for anyone. and the fact that this is YOU we’re talking about? for catra planning a thoughtful surprise party catered to adora’s tastes all because she’s proud of her accomplishments..... is on par with proposing marriage. adora won’t let catra live this down tho. “wow, i can’t believe you like me ;) that is so embarrassing for you!” and she grabs catra for head scratches. catra giggles and pushes against adora saying “stop it😳😳(no don’t stop bro don’t stop😩😩) get off 🙄🙄 (wait actually don’t get off😩😩) this is not 😡 because i like you😳😳(it’s because i love you💞)” and she shoves adora off only to IMMEDIATELY pounce on adora, making adora laugh so fucking happily. kyle is secretly a lesbophobe tho so when he sees this gay display he’s like WUUUUOHOH I DROP CAKE :( and we get this VERY quick frame of catra and adora with their fingers interlocked before they pull apart at the crash and look at kyle. that is so fucking rude of u kyle. we could’ve gotten a few more seconds of catra and adora interlacing their fingers but NO. fuck u. thankfully, the euphoria of being gay is still burning strong for catra and adora, so they laugh happily instead of beating the shit out of kyle. how sweet <3 adora sees the word MARA in one of the cake pieces, and she’s very thrown off right before catra holds her shoulder and is like “hang on, you got something right... THERE!” and she like throws grey bar sludge into adora’s face ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜 u know? how you pal around with your gals? adora rubs the grey cake stuff off her face, and then.... ugh i don’t even wanna say her name. we were all having such a good gay time :( [redacted] walks in and tells adora to get off the floor, and tells catra to get herself cleaned up. and [redacted] tells adora to come with her. adora gazes gayly upon catra’s face who gives her a reassuring smile that tells adora she’s okay, so adora runs along. catra looks lovingly at adora while she walks away. shadow weaver praises adora’s successful war crime and adora is like i couldn’t have done it without the others aka catra <3 and in this fake reality she succeeded in persuading shadow weaver to let catra come with her! adora goes to the force captain briefing and gets roasted by scorpia because scorpia is still like. jealous of adora because you know..... you know how you hate the person your crush is in love with? yeah <3 adora freaks out because the universe is falling apart and she keeps getting visions from her real life. and then catra appears, and all the weirdness stops for a moment. i think it is so interesting how the world starts falling apart faster when catra isn’t there, but when catra is there things in the fake reality start to look and feel a little more normal. it’s like.... catra and adora’s connection is so strong that when they’re together... they can stabilize the collapse of a reality. just for a little while. just to have a little more time together. their gay levels are THAT strong. they’re like level 5000 lesbians. and they just keep leveling up as the show goes on which is why by s5 they can defeat an intergalactic conquerer just by making out LMAOOOOO anyway. catra is very worried about her wife. she’s all “adora, what is wrong?” yeah she’s so worried she doesn’t even use a contraction. adora takes out the slip of paper and shows it to catra. “did you write this?????” and catra looks at it and is like “did i write a blank piece of paper? i’m gonna go with no.” which. KFKDKFKDKFKDKFFJ BROOOO WHY IS THAT SO FUNNY. it’s like not supposed to be funny because adora is having a meltdown but it’s so fucking funny i—moving on. adora starts properly freaking out and catra is like hey :( u ok omg :( calm down :( and she puts her hand on adora’s shoulder but adora swats it away like I CAN’T CALM DOWN :( and she starts rambling and referencing stuff that happened and this vision of catra betraying adora in promise shows up (i think it’s catra’s memory?????) and catra slaps adora. which. HEY :( but also it’s like very funny. and adora is like ow :( what was that? :( and catra is like sowwy!!!! :( u were freaking out!!!! and it was freaking me out!!!!! :( and adora is like well u didn’t have to Slap Me :(((((( and is like why would my evil catgirl gf do this. have i not loved her enough :( is this the thanks i get for loving her with my entire heart :( and catra grabs her arm and is like come on!!!! let’s get you outside!!!! you need some air :) and oh. oh man. oh to have my hand/arm lovingly held by a girl as she giggles and excitedly drags me somewhere. the fucking dream. adora protests against getting air which (??????) u don’t want air? but u need air? to breathe? i know adora is just trying to say she doesn’t need to like go to her and catra’s secret place at the highest edge of the horde but then oh guess what? she’s there with catra. and adora is like how did we get here.... and catra looks depressed because her gf is losing it and that’s so sad 😔 she’s like how did we get here? we climbed up :( like we always do :( or am i the only one who remembers that :( and adora is like idk what’s happening to me :( it’s like i’m losing my mind..... and catra is like you just need to relax <3 by hanging out with me <3 and adora is like ur probs right :( am fine :( everything fine :( and she gets this glimpse of catra and catra smiling evilly at her but catra gets up and is like huh! ofc im right! Everything’s Perfect! soon, the two of us are gonna be ruling etheria together, just like we always planned 😺😸😹😻😼😽😾🙀 and quietly, adora goes “is that what you really want? to rule the world?” and catra gets this UHHHHH look akin to when someone asks u “hey, do you like apples? or are you just gay for me?” and you gotta awkwardly answer “what.... nooooo..... i’m not gay i fucking love apples” and so catra gets the exact face that expresses this sentiment and she’s like “i mean, yeah, obviously. isn’t that what you want too?” and it’s like UGHHHH because clearly neither of them want to rule the world! ruling the world was just an excuse for catra to be with adora, and when adora inevitably says “hey maybe we shouldn’t rule the world” catra will take it to mean “i don’t want to be with you” instead of “ruling the world is bad” and it’s just. it really tears me the fuck up bros! when catra says don’t you want to rule the world too? she really means don’t you want to be with me? and it’s just. HHHHHHHHH. i can NOT. i have had it up to HERE. adora says “i don’t know (re ruling the world lmao i went on a tangent earlier)” and catra is like “don’t flake out on me now!” like ruling the world is meeting up for lunch and suddenly adora texted at 11:30 am that she’s not really feeling up to it today :/ “this is what we always wanted”, catra continues to say, and we all know that “this” is..... the freedom to be with each other, without everything else getting in the way. “everything will be perfect as long as we stay together”. and she is right about that. but also catra’s current definition of them “staying together” isn’t right. adora and catra were always supposed to meet halfway. they will both have to grow to do that. but let’s not get 2 deep😩 i am here to have meltdowns and make gay jokes only😌 and then adora says “what if we don’t stay together? what if it all goes wrong?” which is like. damn that’s the show right there KFKSJDJSJDJ and adora sees lightning again and she gets upset because why can’t catra see the reality-cracking lightning too!!!! why can’t catra see the light!!!!! why can’t she see that she should be doing good things and not evil things!!!!! why can’t she see that she should be coming with me, running away with me, being with me in a place that’s safe!!!!! and catra grabs her hand and is like “adora!!! stay with me, okay? :( you’re just seeing things. it’s all in your head” and it is all so terribly tragic and sad. ah, the age old argument. come with me, stay with me. i will be whispering this in decades’ time, spreading gay tales to my loved ones. after this, lonnie is calling for adora and catra. “thought we’d find you up there” FJSJDJSJDJD the way it’s just like an open secret that catra and adora are gay and have a gay hangout spot where they do gay things. incredible. adora finds out an entire week has passed all of a sudden and she grips her head in frustration and catra is like adora? :( and holds her in concern. and adora is like ranting about how there’s something wrong with space and time!! and catra is just freaked out and begging her to stop because adora please! please stop finding the destruction of reality weird and hold my hand! i haven’t been happy since the day you left! and.... hoo okay sadness. catra’s holding her arm and adora’s like we’re not supposed to be here!!! catra holds her upper arms and goes “adora, everything’s okay!” and adora snaps and tells her to stop saying that! because this isn’t right! because she will lose everything, including catra, if she does not fix this. “everyone keeps telling me everything is perfect but it’s not! everyone except... scorpia” so she runs away to find her and catra is like adora!!! adora, where are you going? please don’t go. don’t go where i can’t follow😔😔 but adora is gone. we get this whole thing with scorpia and adora and adora is straight up just so petty. about scorpia hating her. which mood because i want everyone to like me. all the time. but also adora in scorpia’s defense she has a crush on a certain catgirl who will Not Shut Up about you :/ adora gets flashbacks about catra and realizes that the girl she’s been inappropriately touching for the past.... day? is the one who did the thing that is destroying reality❤️ LMAOOOOO this would be like... hm actually not many situations available to describe this. except. have you been flirting with the thing that’s been trying to kill us? have you been in love with the thing that’s been trying to kill us? yeah stuff like that <3 “catra did this. she captured me, she took... the sword. she activated the portal!” LFKSKDKSKDKDK you know what? this would be 58384848484 times funnier if they had canonically banged during the fake reality before adora realized the world as they all knew it was about to end <3 and you know what? they did bone. but it was cut for time <3 KFKDKDKDK JKJK god i need to like shut up for once in my life. but if i did that, these evaluations which no one asked for would not exist❤️ adora loses scorpia and razz (temporarily) and lonnie and she finds catra again! even tho she now remembers that catra kidnapped her and took her sword and used it for the portal and activated her portal.... she immediately grabs catra and pulls her along with her. despite knowing all that..... for the moment she is acting on instinct and doesn’t care. she just wants to keep catra with her and keep catra safe because the portal is swallowing up so many people and she cannot lose catra. adora drags her to this weapons closet that closes behind them and catra, instead of kissing her in this enclosed space (WIMP), shakes her and is like hey! you’ve officially lost it, haven’t you? and adora is like listen, we have to go. now! scorpia, lonnie, kyle, rogelio, they’re all gone! but catra is like what are you talking about? who’s gone? and adora’s all they’re gone. there’s nothing left. and we’ll be next if we don’t get out of here right now. and she’s so firm about it putting her entire foot down because No. not catra. she Cannot lose her. but catra is so stuck in wanting some part of all this to be real that she’s arguing with adora that she’s not making sense and Everything Is Fine. and adora goes “don’t say it’s Perfect. i know it’s not perfect and so do you!” because... she just knows catra that well. and she knows catra is smart enough to see what’s going on if scorpia did that too. catra’s choosing to repress it all, but adora’s words snap catra into memory for a moment, and she remembers it, maybe even remembers it all, and i think.... it all just hurts too much and she’d rather not be in that reality so she acts like she doesn’t know a thing and tells adora she’s not going anywhere. frustrated because she can’t convince catra, adora picks up one of the stun barons and... tases catra KFKSKDKDKDKSKDK and i can’t help but think of when catra tased adora back in sword part 2 (1x02) and man that is not good but also so funny that they’ve both tased each other. there’s this desperation there in both instances that we should definitely not romanticize at all but they just. deep down they will just do close to anything to keep the other with them. and it is messed up! and i’m glad that a little ways down the road they unlearn this but also.... wow. adora catches catra tenderly in her arms as she slumps against her, literally fucking BRIDAL CARRYING catra out and running away from the crumbling horde. literally IMAGINE IF LIKE. catra did not wake up and fight with adora. imagine if catra had stayed passed out longer and adora had fixed the portal without anyone getting left behind. and catra was still unconscious and she like walks out of the portal back into where they all were with catra in her arms like that. just like hey i fixed the portal :) all of us nearly died and it was kind of partially this catgirl’s fault but i’m like low key desperately in love with her so can we keep her? lmao :-) anyway. adora steals a skiff again (lmao first ep throw back! remember their date) and flies her and catra out of the crumbling world. catra wakes up, watching adora’s determined face as she flies them out and catra’s like WAIT WTF DIDN’T U TASE ME and is like hypocritically fighting adora trying to grab the stun baton. bad idea! adora’s DRIVING you don’t attack the driver!! but catra does not often make good decisions </3 the skiff crashes and they both fall off. they get up, look at each other angrily and run after the stun baton. catra grabs it first but adora hits it out of her hand and grapples catra who continues to keep reaching for the weapon. “catra, you can’t. we need to get as far from the fright zone as possible or we’ll be completely erased along with everything else.” “you think you can convince me by kidnapping me?” well no but goddamn the world is COLLAPSING catra PLEASE :( also is the power of love not enough? catra she loves you she’s in love with you she would pull you from the depths of hell even if you threw everyone in there in the first place!!!!!! that’s how deep this runs because that’s not even a metaphor adora has identified you as the main party who brought upon this reality ripping portal and still!!! she wants you saved. is that not fucking hot? :/ is that not sexy enough for you? :/ KFKSKDKSKDK jkjk okay catra continues with “what is wrong with you?!” and throws adora over her shoulder. not to like. ruin a very heated and serious moment in the show. but catra throwing adora like it’s nothing is like... very strong..... and when you remember how adora likes strong girls........ KFKDKDKDKDKDKDJ adora b like ow that hurts 😔 u free next friday? 😳 catra goes up to the stun baton again and adora kicks it away. “i won’t leave you behind again.” “why can’t you just stay? we have everything we ever wanted.” BITCH THE WORLD IS COLLAPSING IN ON ITSELF. THERE’S A PORTAL EATING UP REALITY. STAY WHERE? “it’s not real, catra.” YES. save the world first, and then after this you can play rock paper scissors and the loser will go with the winner❤️ wouldn’t it be so funny if they did that. if they decided to leave it up to chance. if adora was like well the horde is evil but if you beat me in rock paper scissors i guess i will follow you wherever you go. and then they like fix the portal and everyone is like yay hey adora lets go back to bright moon! and she’s like yeah uh i gotta hash out this situation with my gf real quick uh just a little heads up i might be bringing the horde’s best strategist and leader over to our side OR i might be fighting for the bad people again :/ so wish me luck and everyone just had to stand there and watch as adora and catra held their hands out and went ROCK PAPER SCISSORS SHOOT anyway. “as much as i wish that things could be simple the way they used to be, there’s no going back.” and she holds catra gently and in many ways i think she’s sort of acknowledging that she really, really just wants that light hearted playful dynamic with catra back. they both just experienced it again. they both just threw themselves back into it again. and adora really wants to be happy with catra, she would stay with catra if she could, but she has overwhelming responsibilities and an overwhelming sense of responsibility that was instilled in her from a young age. and she thinks she shouldn’t get to choose her happiness, to put herself first. also like. THE HORDE IS EVIL DJSJDJSNDNSJS like. that’s a really important part too. it’s kind of hard for catra to distinguish that though because she’s had very. evil things done to her all her life. and she held on for so long because she thought adora would always be there with her but then adora walks away and makes it seem like. it could have been that easy. but it can’t have been that easy because if it was so easy why did catra have to suffer so much for? also adora didn’t run away to save catra. she had this destiny thrust upon her, and she chose to leave the horde before inviting catra along, which is not wrong of her at all, but it inevitably made catra feel like an afterthought. and now... things are kind of damaged. and catra just wants to run if adora won’t stay, so she shoves adora and takes off and adora lunges after her, tackling her, and adora decides to confront catra about the big elephant in the room, the thing she’s not said a thing about to catra until now when they’re fighting because she was so desperate to save catra before. “why did you do it?” “i don’t know what you’re talking about!” which is a lie but now that she really gets to see the consequences of her rage and anguish filled actions, i don’t think catra can properly explain it either. she was just so angry and she had built this narrative in her head that it was adora’s fault, and so she just wanted to do everything that adora didn’t want her to do. except u failed catra😔 adora wants you to love her and you do, you do love her😔 oopsie😔 you just don’t show it in healthy ways most of the time because your relationship is fraught with tragedy and abusive upbringings💔 adora gives up questioning catra for the moment because “there’s no time. we have to go.” catra grunts as adora’s childhood promise plays in her mind and it is overlaid with the adora of the present telling her “i promise, everything will be okay if we just stay together.” and goddamn adora really means it. she’s literally willing to patch everything up together even after everything if catra will just Decide right here, right now, to go with her. right then, the memory of adora first asking catra to come with her plays and adora is asking her, “help me fix this, please, this can’t be what you wanted” because adora knows! she knows how caught up catra was, in her pain and anger and desperation to win, to overcome all the times she lost growing up. she believed that catra, with her loving heart that saved adora everyday they knew each other growing up, could not have wanted to erase all of reality. to erase what they had. but just because adora knows that doesn’t mean catra does. all the rage and pain and resentment that led to her opening the portal, it is still there, and it is still affecting her judgement in a bad way, and by reminding her that she cannot just repress it all, that she cannot just play pretend with adora until their time is up,,,, this leads her to lash out again :( :( :( “don’t you get it? i am never going to go with you.” i wanna be like sad but also this bitch straight up LYING remember that other time she said “don’t you get it?” remember what came after that? so maybe catra in this moment is too angry and consumed by self hatred, too proud to admit she wants adora when she thinks adora doesn’t want her the way she wants her.... but “never”? lmaooooo ok :/ catra evil gay laughs and goes “you always have to go and ruin it, don’t you?” ruin what???? the illusion????? the pretenses you work so hard to keep to cover up how deep the feelings you both have run??? catra lunges for adora and fights with her, scratching and missing because adora is dodging and catra’s heart is too.... sigh..... she’s too fucking gay to really bring it ok? no matter how angry she is she still loves adora too much to give it her best. adora doesn’t fight back, mostly defending and pushing catra away. “catra, look what’s happening. you’re going to destroy everything!” catra stomped on her heart and she still wants to Convince her, which is really sad, for now, for both of them. and catra goes feral and is like “i don’t care! i won’t let you win. i’d rather see the whole world end than let that happen.” :( bro? this song is so sad. can we change it? sigh. catra is too far gone at the moment. everything, even the slightest concession to adora, even at the expense of existence, is like admitting defeat to catra. and when catra says she’d rather see the whole world end than let adora win, she’s also saying she’d let herself... die. and that is just so sad. bro who gave season three the right. like... i am so exhausted. i am just trying to call some bitches out for being gay, i did not sign up for all this pain. i am so exhausted. this episode is twenty odd minutes or so. you know how many hours i’ve spent writing this? it’s not anyone’s fault but mine for being extra, but man i am so tired. i love seeing catradora interact, but god, at what cost? the portal rips up the ground between them, and catra grabs at adora, clutching onto her badge. i cannot tell if she was just trying to take it off or she wanted to grab adora and pull her close too. “catra, no!” adora grabs catra’s wrist but the badge falls off and catra falls too. “catra!” catra is on some rock in the falling heap, and adora reaches for her but she’s too far away. still, she keeps her hand outstretched. but catra, who’s hanging on by a rock at this point, gives her this look of... almost helplessness. that then hardens into resentment and anger and she just. lets go. and adora, who has tears in her eyes, is just. she absolutely crumbles here. and she runs a good distance away and falls to her knees and just starts SOBBING. she is just crying so hard over losing catra AGAIN and it’s just. That’s Too Much, Man! thankfully, razz shows up and is like stop crying bitch u can still save her ❤️ so adora decides to stop crying for all time and gets to work❤️ 10/10 but also did i ask? :/ yes i did and i am in so much pain right now. my god what an episode

the portal: it’s so fucking refreshing not seeing catradora for a bit <3 i spent hours watching remember ok. here i am now starting the last ep at least a full week later because of how much it was. sometimes this show is too gay <3 i love it tho! i do <3 it’s just hard having to pause and replay every five seconds and write an essay about the tiniest thing <3 and i know what you’re thinking <3 no one asked me to do this <3 no one asked me to be so extra <3 and yet <3 anyway, more than half of the ep passes with adora losing bow and glimmer in the end, but as she’s crying on her knees again she lifts her head up and corrupted!catra touches her forehead with one finger. oh <3 that’s gay <3 anyway, catra’s here because she died but she’s got like nine lives so she’s back now and infected by the collapsing portal. oh great! we get what is probably the most cursed ḩ̵͕̺̯͚̞͈̰̤͎̥̗̳͂̽̃̄͌̎̅̈́̏̎͘͝͝ẻ̷͇͚͈̤̪̖̜̥̥̱̼̅̒͌͗͝y̴̥̺̓͌͊͌̊͒͌̏̔̕͝ ̶̧̟̤̠̯̱̳͕̙̯̔ͅá̶̤͉͕̱̰̮̺̮̝̗̱̲͓̺̯̒͐͐d̵̨̟̖̦̈̑̄̌̍̆̀̾̊̑̽͗͝͠ȏ̷̧̢̨̞̮͇̟̘̘̠̼̊͆̐̉̉̀̌̿̚ͅŗ̴̢̬͚͉̦̘̪̜̥̑̔̈́̀̒͂͗͜͠ͅą̸̡̡͕͈͚͕̼͔̳͔̖̙̯̱̓͗̊́. the look on adora’s face when she’s greeted with this is very interesting. she gives catra this little once over. on one hand, catra isn’t gone like adora thought when she had lost her into the collapsing portal, but also something about this catra definitely doesn’t look right. catra then proceeds to slam adora into another dimension. flat against the bar table in the crimson waste... and ngl it looks like. catra slammed her on the table for :/ stuff :/ that’s like :/ you know :/ banging :/ and adora even looks around for a moment because catra isn’t there and adora’s thinking damn where u at catra? :/ so you didn’t slam me against this table for... no? :( we aren’t gonna slam ass? :( but then surprise surprise! catra straddles her at the last moment! adora gasps and catra is like oh... where are your friends? in that unsettling corrupted tone. notice how adora has been silent this entire time. so horny you couldn’t speak bitch? :/ sadly, catra lunges for adora and adora realizes that catra is still evil and that she isn’t going to kiss her gently on the lips after all 😔 adora grabs catra by the arm and pulls her close. she puts her other hand on catra’s shoulder. adora baby.... you don’t need to touch her with both hands. are you that gay? yes. why am i even asking that question. “catra, stop. you have to–“ catra pushes her face aside. “it’s always the same with you, adora. i have to do this, oh we have to do that!” and then they’re like gay struggling against each other? and catra pulls adora up and holds her tight against her, adora’s arm bent over catra’s shoulder to keep her there. then with her other arm she wraps her elbow around adora’s other arm to further restrain her? and then she puts her face right against adora’s cheek. i don’t know how to explain this. it’s just. homoerotic. damn the gays fight like this? catra then tosses adora aside and they land somewhere else. catra says like things to adora that are about her insecurities and stuff. but i’m not gonna get into those <3 isn’t that so sexy of me? instead i will say this. catra kind of like fights one sidedly with adora a lot in this segment where they go through various locations we’ve seen in the show, and she like talks a lot of shit. but let’s focus on how adora’s feeling <3 she goes through it like this. 1) not horny anymore! i’m scared/insecure/angry with catra now 2) catra throws adora into the big chair on mara’s ship and catra slams her hand against it next to adora’s face like how someone might do before you kiss them in movies 3) horny again 4) catra doesn’t say sorry for the mean things corrupted her said and she didn’t kiss her gently on the lips so adora gets her shit together and realizes all the things evil corrupted catra is saying is not her fault! she pushes catra away and is like “i didn’t make you pull the switch. i didn’t make you do anything! i didn’t break the world, but i am gonna fix it. and you? you made your choice. now live with it!” and in between all that she fights back against catra and at the end she does you know that punch we all know about. but after the punch she calms down from that emotional breakthrough high and gets this :( face. at the end of the day... no matter how far gone catra went, no matter how right she was in setting those boundaries and making it clear catra has to be responsible for her actions, adora cares. adora loves her, it’s the one thing she can’t help. and to see catra sink so deep into the darkness... it hurts her. adora watches catra disintegrate when they fall into the wormhole thing that the portal caused, and she has this like. >:( :( look because adora’s planning to fix everything anyway, the upsetting thing here for her is that she failed to make catra see sense. catra’s likely going back to the horde when all of this is over and there’s nothing adora can do about it. and at the moment i don’t think adora wants to try anymore after failing so many times... which is good for her! but also they are both going to be so sad after this </3 after the whole angella scene (miss that milf) adora gets the sword back and becomes she ra again. we go back to the scene in the horde and catra clutches the side of her face, so we know that was her but it also wasn’t Her, you know? like part of her face got corrupted by the portal and she just had to make sure she was real and whole again. adora comes back as she-ra and destroys the portal, prompting catra to escape. but she looks back at the last moment, looks back angrily, and adora gives her an equally hard stare. she’s done with catra, for the moment, and catra realizes this, and it kind of hits her that this adora is different now. and for a moment she is sad and afraid, but she pulls it together to make a mean face again, before running away. 9/10

[loveisharderthanitlooks]

Thoughts on S02E04

Owen was absolutely intolerable this episode. He really does have great hair though.

I love seeing Marjan being a badass on the rink and the four guys there to cheer her on. We don’t usually get to see women in TV dramas play sport and have the men cheer them on. It was cool. And so aggressive.

I think I like the arranged marriage storyline here. I mean, it’s not the best storyline they could have given her. But as Marjan points out, it is a very common practice in a lot of countries and cultures and a show with so much diversity should show diverse cultures. I appreciate that it was shown in a positive light. It’s not something that Marjan resents or feels oppressed by, she defended it because she believes in it and the positive aspects of it were nicely contrasted with the disaster of the wedding they attended.

That wedding scene was actually so gross.

It’s really jarring to see some people at the wedding wearing masks and remembering that the pandemic is happening in this world too. Especially after just seeing everybody at the derby with zero mask wearing or social distancing. Are the 126 anti-maskers?

If they don’t want to depict the pandemic, just pretend it’s over or it never happened. I mean, we’re all pretending that Austin is sitting on top of an active volcano and life is just continuing as normal. We can pretend the pandemic is over too.

Carlos has also followed his father into law enforcement. It’s interesting that both Carlos and TK have followed their father’s career paths. But while TK has followed his father’s path so closely they work in the same firehouse, Carlos has opted for a different branch. There’s a meta post there about TK’s need to be close to his father and Carlos’ need for distance from his.

The timing in this episode bugs me. Carlos and TK are at the farmer’s market in the middle of the day, cut to Marjan and Salim at the restuarant at night, cut back to Carlos and TK getting back from the farmer’s market to have their fight. What were they doing all day? How long does it take to drive home from the farmer’s market?

Carlos being uncomfortable introducing TK to his parents even though he’s out is really sad and I’m annoyed at TK for shouting at him, even though I think his feelings are valid too. It’s a pretty common issue for lots of LGBT+ people that even when they’re out it can be very difficult to be out around family, and as a gay person, it feels like TK should be a little more understanding of somebody being caught by surprise and introducing their partner as a friend.

Just because they’re both gay does not mean that they have had the same experiences growing up. I think TK forgets his privilege - he grew up in Manhattan, with liberal parents, he has always worked with his dad, and the 126 were handpicked by Owen as part of a diversity drive. I’ve no doubt he’s experienced prejudice, but nothing like Carlos would have as a gay Latino in Texas. As with Marjan, there are differences in their cultures and experiences.

Owen and Gwyn absolutely sucked at listening to TK and giving him advice. Thank goodness he’s in therapy and has learned how to communicate his feelings from a professional because his parents suck. It’s actually sad. The relationship between Owen and TK was so lovely in season one, but now Owen is completely focused on Gwen and Gwen might has well be his second wife for all the relationship she has with TK. I mean when she showed up at the station in the middle of their shift, TK was right there and they didn’t even acknowledge each other.

I just really love the relationship between Marjan, Paul and Mateo.

Marjan literally grinding an axe - perfection.

NOTHING phases Grace. Scorpions, guy choking in his dead friend’s ashes, guy in a gun case, Imp - she just rolls with it. The scene with the imp was amazing. I love that the rest of the call center operatives all listened in and then just went back to work. Like yeah, it’s a weird one but we get weird ones all the time here.

YOU LOOK AT BABY CARROTS WITH ENVY!! Nothing can ever top that line.

Thank you, your Grace. That was amazing. I DIDN’T FEEL A THING. Perfection.

Judd is the holder of Owen’s single brain cell.

Carlos and TK have such lovely chemistry. Massive kudos to Rafael and Ronen for how they portray their relationship.

I loved the talk between them. Communication is so sexy.

It’s not like I demand to see them kissing (especially in the midst of a pandemic) but if that had been a straight couple there would have been a kiss. All the straight couples have kissed. We know at least one other Tarlos kiss that was filmed and then cut. There should have been a kiss at that point.

Carlos’s hands are so big. I’ve never noticed that before.

The lyrics of the song when Marjan is walking down the hotel hallway is “for you”. I heard “fuck you” and I had to google it because I thought I was losing my mind.

Where Marjan’s storyline for this episode feels like it has wrapped up and complete, Carlos’s story doesn't and it’s something that will play out in future episodes.

I did not see the pregnancy plot coming. It’s not going to end well, is it? Lisa Edelstein isn’t going to stick around Lone Star forever. At some point she’s going to leave. Worst case scenario she dies and Owen becomes a single father to a baby. (Best case scenario, she returns to New York and Owen goes with her. TK stays with Carlos. Judd takes over as Captain.) Most likely scenario, the baby doesn’t make it. It plays into Owen’s belief that he’s invincible but those around him get hurt.

[tosikoarts]

SFW Alphabet | Shiraishi Yoshitake

Long live the King! You can check tosikowrites tag for more. Warning: there’s a lot under the cut.

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Relationship for Shiraishi is more about friendship with intimacy than a long tradition-based order of courtship and conventions. His affection does not manifest in standard gestures like buying flowers or singing serenades, acting all gentlemanly and saving the day pompously like a romantic novel protagonist. If he ever does anything from list above, it is his daydreaming that he doesn’t try to bring to life.

One of Shiraishi’s main goal in the relationship is to keep his partner happy, and the main sign that they are happy is their shrill laughter. It doesn’t matter if they are laughing because stray toothy animal bit his head or because the joke was funny (yay!), mission accomplished and he is satisfied.  Seeing them cry is worse than being hit hundred times with a baton.

Every single soul in the one kilometer radius know whom Shiraishi loves and why he loves them and how amazing, adorable, lovely, cool they are. Sugimoto and Asirpa are making earplugs because Shiraishi can’t shut the hell up. He managed to piss off the men who kidnapped him with bragging about his loved one. Kiroranke puts maximum effort not to bury him in the nearest snowdrift. His admiration doesn’t die down through years.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

The best friend to get dumb with. Sing inappropriate songs, prank others, annoy boring elders and all this jazz. His jokes are never offensive because Shiraishi wants to have good time only but they are unpredictable and never repetitive. His instinct of self-preservation goes m.i.a. in the process so it’s literally life-saving to have a reliable person by the side.

If you need a friend to gossip with Shiraishi is you best choice. He got hot tea on everyone, I mean e v e r y o n e, from old man Hijikata to naïve Koito and he needs best friend to spill it. Damn, Shiraishi is definitely that bih with neon acrylics and golden hoops.

Probably the friend that introduce you to people and brings you into new circles. Wide range of characters, social statuses, affiliations gives a chance to meet potential partners. There is one unspoken rule though: you come here as Shiraishi’s bff, you leave this place as Shiraishi’s bff.

Speaking of which, he comes across as possessive friend. Restriction of other’s social circle and constant need in validation aren’t his behavior traits, but Shiraishi is sensitive to subtle changes in communication. Sole possibility of losing the established connection gives him extreme anxiety. To avoid it he can make concessions and sacrifice his own interests for them.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Eeh, indifferent? He doesn’t seem like a big fan of cuddling but will do it on occasions. When lights are down and they are in a private of the room, Shiraishi may spoon them to feel the comfort of another person and a little bit of safety he finds in their touch. He doesn’t have a preferred position as well: whatever his loved one wants he will do without hesitation.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

The closest home equivalent that Shiraishi knows is a dark prison cell and this is how he sees the stability in its best light. Yep, same food every day, funny inadequacies behind the adjacent wall, and a guy in not-so-sexy uniform who checks his asshole now and then. What a paradise. Seriously, he needs time to get used to concept of comfort zone. Maybe, after few years Shiraishi himself will offer to find a cozy place for both of them. Average cook. Doesn’t know how to hold a broom.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

Breaking up with Shiraishi is a whole three-ring circus because he is hot and then cold, yes and then no. Get ready to prepare sad clown look for both you and him because it will be a long story: as soon as the idea settles in his head, Shiraishi will turn into giant wreck. Everybody around notices him walking in circles as well as asking Sugimoto how to properly show person that he is not interested. Of course, he ignores rational “just tell them, set a record straight”. Of course, Shiraishi plays dumb and tries to distance himself in all ways possible and impossible. The only way to end this agony is to break the relationship yourself before the mutual sympathy and respect turn into disgust and tension.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Doesn’t experience a burning passion to get married but doesn’t completely discards this possibility either. If person seems to be the only one, the meant one, Shiraishi will pop a question after 3-4 years of stable relationship. Cruel push and pull game, sudden break ups and get backs together kill his will to settle down. He may stay with them but Shiraishi will never bring up thought of marriage, wedding bells, and family.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Even the prison could not knock softness out of Shiraishi: he is utterly gentle with his partner, dreading hurting them or jeopardize their life with the hunt of tattooed skins. Choosing the right words is a little more complicated so translation of an emotional mess in his head does not always convey implied sentiment. That’s the reason why Shiraishi may be unintentionally harsh when it comes to serious conversations: he is torn between being tender and showing firm character.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Somehow, loves hugs but rarely initiate them. He is almost always cold, his skin feels cold and rough like papyrus paper, therefore, his partner frequently serves as a living heater. When they are busy with work or chores, Shiraishi catches their hand and embraces their arm, practically immobilizing it. Hints fly left and right when Shiraishi wants a hug: he really comes to the partner with puppy eyes and  index finger pointing towards one another because no, he won’t go for it himself, he want his loved one to do it.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

Mentally, he already did it when they met for first time but it takes at least a month for Shiraishi to say three magic words aloud. Two would be even better. He's not serious enough to wait for the friendly phase of a romantic relationship when people have already got used to each other. The longer the relationship lasts, the more serious Shiraishi gets though. You can hear it in the changing of his voice when his playful “I love you so so much” shifts to calm and earnest confession.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Easily jealoused walking disaster that will follow his partner like a poodle if they give him a reason to doubt their faithfulness. Sometimes Shiraishi overreacts, he even thought Sugimoto was looking at his loved one somehow weirdly but quickly brushed this idea off just for it to come back to him next day. Shiraishi gets extremely needy and tries to show everybody that this is HIS person. He is NOT sharing. They love ME. He gives them extra kisses, hugs, grabs their hand and squeezes it few times, smiles at them as much as he physically can.

If his loved one is the one being overly flirtatious, Shiraishi feels awful. Wave of insecurity knocks him off the feet and he doesn’t know what to do. He is overthinker so without proper explanation Shiraishi comes up with the worst scenarios possible. In this case he distance himself until person reassures him in their relationship.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

In the beginning, Shiraishi seems the worst kisser in the world. He has little experience, almost no experience to be honest: yujo do not have time to teach clients the art of kissing. So, yeah, he is pretty average, goofy, sloppy and eager. Wants to kiss everywhere anyhow.  

After a little bit of training his kisses become more sophisticated, and Shiraishi himself doesn’t try to jump on his partner with smooches. He is still impatient when they put their hands on him and tends to get touchy even in public places. When Shiraishi gets in the mood for kissing session, he is unstoppable.

There is a sweet spot right under the earlobe kissing which send Shiraishi on the cloud nine. One kiss and he surrounds to the will of the partner. Ask whatever you want. Besides that he doesn’t care where to be kissed. Likes to give his partner gentle pecks on the nose and cheeks.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

If you remember chart going around the Tumblr with categories like “wine aunt, great at babysitting, mediocre at babysitting” Shiraishi would fall both in “God is dead, house is on fire” and “Is a baby”. Kids absolutely love him because they are on the same level *cough cough* and he is overall funny guy unlike the most adults around. Shiraishi likes active games and never sits still. For every crying child he got a candy and few tricks in his sleeve. He would love to be a father one day so he has few more minions to annoy grumpy people.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

People who sleep in together stay together. This is the rule of Yoshitake house. No matter what time his partner wakes up Shiraishi wakes up later. Nine in the morning? He is in the bed until noon. Three in the afternoon? He is still sleeping, squeezing his partner tightly in his arms. Even after waking up Shiraishi stays under the blanket. He playfully asks the loved one if they want to keep him company and cuddle too but if they are in hurry, he will lazily crawl out of bed and cook something for them.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Prefers to spend night outside gambling or drinking, skinny-dipping, lying in the grass and telling fables with varying percentage of truth. In the cold season Shiraishi still likes to go downtown but mainly to meet old friends and have dinner with them and his loved one. Rarely he chooses to stay in the comfort of home. Shiraishi teaches his partner different board games, and soon playing turns into a competition. From time to time Shiraishi loses on purpose, gifting sweet victory in shogi/igo/karuta to the most significant person in his life.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

You don’t have to ask anything unless you want to spend next hour listening to Shiraishi’s biography. He will tell you about the relationship with parents, about childhood scar on the knee, about search of Sister Miyazawa, and what a bastards his cellmates were. The list is endless, and every day Shiraishi remembers one more story he forgot to tell. There are only two things that can stop him: firm “no, not now, Shiraishi” from the partner and lack of mutual openness on their part.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

It is impossible to piss Shiraishi off. His ability to reduce everything to a joke does not help only in advanced cases where person wanted to break his neck from the beginning. Even when his patience runs out, Shiraishi cannot explode in anger, he just grimaces, stomps, and spits sarcasm. In everyday life, he avoids conflicts as much as possible and does everything to find a convenient compromise so you won’t catch him slipping. He would rather go for a walk and leave another person to cool down than get involved in heated argument.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

He doesn’t remember shit if his partner doesn’t indicate that it is important information. Worth remembering. Shiraishi, please, listen. At the same time he notices slight changes in their appearance, from new haircut to ring, and keeps in mind such details like eye color, favorite clothes, maybe, particular qualities like never buttoning shirt up completely or writing notes on the wrist. Anniversaries? Baby, he doesn’t remember what day it is today. Just give up.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

The first kiss. Not only did it happen completely by accident due to a bet, but it was so awkward and unexpected that Shiraishi forgot how kissing works. Yep, he froze feeling their warm lips on his, only eyebrows slightly raised up in disbelief. After this incident, Shiraishi could not stop thinking about them. God, he is disgrace, to embarrass yourself in front of the person you like. It could not be otherwise. To remedy the situation, Shiraishi pulled himself together, remembered the cheesiest lines in the reserve, and suggested to try again because he was astonished by their daring attitude. He has no idea what happened after that but that spontaneous kiss with a touch of childishness and innocence stayed with him forever.

Oh, one more moment! Meeting them after coming back from Karafuto. Honestly, Shiraishi didn’t believe he will make it out alive. Ogata or Kiroranke could slice his throat, hide the body, and tell Asirpa he left with his tail between his legs. Therefore, it is miracle to see their adorable face again.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Let’s be real, he is the one who needs protection. He also needs some ass-whooping for getting in troubles regularly too but that is not the point. Shiraishi rarely stands up against obviously strong opponents and chooses famous Joestar backup plan – run for his life with loved one under his arm. Another option includes involvement of threatening allies, mostly Sugimoto, to save them both. Sometimes courage overwhelms him, and Shiraishi comes up with risky but bold plan how to save them without outside help but it happens much less often.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Most of the time, Shiraishi hopes that everything will be fine by itself, every event will run like clockwork without excessive effort. Dates are unpretentious: no fancy restaurants, exquisite gifts, long intricate confessions of endless love, etc. To his credit, Shiraishi takes chores more or less seriously and does his best. For the anniversaries he transforms in person you've never seen before: dressed immaculately Shiraishi holds a small bouquet of bright moss phlox and box of sweet sakuramochis, his face glows with happiness and love, however, you can sense a nervousness behind the wide smile. On days so special, he is afraid to ruin the mood with usual tomfoolery.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Canonically, Shiraishi is not the tidiest person around. For some it may be stumbling block because constant battle with desire to throw him in hot springs and scrub ingrained dirt with the hardest sponge can be too tiresome. Also Shiraishi bites his nails until they bleed as well as pulls the hangnails until his fingers start to hurt.

A sense of proportion leaves Shiraishi as soon as a bottle of sake appears on the horizon. Even though he is funny and harmless drinker, he goes overboard with alcohol to end up throwing out behind the nearest pine.

Little lies always slip through the conversation no matter what it is about. When the truth is revealed, it is too late to blame him.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

Shiraishi doesn’t care about his appearance but likes to get compliments on it. He knows bunch of tricks how to remove different stains from clothes in the wild and doesn't know how to avoid them. One look is enough for Shiraishi: he could wear his old prison uniform for life time because it is strangely comfortable and universal for any event. Except the pursuit by guards, of course.

Has mixed feelings about his tattoos. Living with them is to sit on a powder keg: you never know when the new man with the gold rush will try to scalp you alive.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Gets very, very attached to the friends and loved ones so break up feels like punch in the gut. Unlike the rest, Shiraishi basically refuses to let go. He gets clingy, keeps acting like nothing happened, like they are still the best friends, just to cover up growing emptiness inside. No matter how hard he ignores it, Shiraishi can feel how part of him fades. Sometimes even abrupt refusal doesn’t work, but it’s simply his way to deal with sadness.  After few weeks, he has an insight that things will never be the same and that when it hits him. Shiraishi tries to distance himself and it takes all of his strength since by this time he becomes easily distracted, irritated, and whiny. He needs months to get over it.

If they died or were killed, Shiraishi puts effort to maintain his clown image. Only closest people can notice small detail that give away his sorrow and melancholy. Doesn't attempt to get revenge. The time to recover increases to year.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

Do you think Shiraishi went to jail so often because of negligence? Partially, yes. Besides the fact Shiraishi is being hopeless fool, he finds prison cell a great place to take a break from fleeting life. If you think about it time slows down behind bars. There’s no point to worry what tomorrow will bring, how to survive and make it through another scuffle, and his impressive skills guarantee him easy escape.

Shiraishi has joint hypermobility syndrome which helps him bend joints at unusual angles and even pull bones out of the fossae. Prolonged arthralgia is a side effect that Shiraishi had to deal with from the first conscious days. There are days when the pain becomes so excruciating that he just wants to lie still and stare at the sky for 24 hours.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Continuous scolding when there is a reason and when there is not. Yes, with his behavior it is difficult to resist the urge to say a couple of strong words or raise your voice, and Shiraishi is totally okay with it until rebuke becomes daily tradition.

Shiraishi's thoughts are always in motion, usually Brownian motion, his body twitches even when he tries to sit calmly in one place so stagnation in any form would be the death of him. This includes repetitive thoughts, boring behavior, and general passivity.

Shiraishi is genuinely upset if his partner doesn't like children. This is an inexplicable feeling, he really hurts if they ignore little ones or, worse, openly express dislike for kids.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habit of theirs?)

Prepare yourself to unexpected awakening in the middle of the night, you will have a lot of them. Shiraishi keeps running from guardians of the law even in his sleep: he kicks, turns, throws his arms out to the sides for the most part of the night. Accidental elbow blow to the nose is not uncommon either. Worst of all, he does not wake up after that!

In the morning Shiraishi likes to sneak closer to his loved one and just presses him onto them. Like, completely. He throws his leg over them, hugs them, presses his cheek to their back, and if it feels just right in winter, in summer such cuddle can be a real test.

Abrupt sleep schedule changes do not bother Shiraishi at all. His organism is so adapted to the crazy lifestyle that he stays fresh even after sleepless night, after waking up at 3 a.m. and going to bed at 3 p.m.

[wainwrightjakobshammerlock]

finally. i decided to do this. anyways hello there, i am jake and today i want to talk about something; you see, if you are in the tf2 fandom, you probably know about heavymedic. Wherther you are a hardcore gamer who resents f2p’s or a person that never played the game but has trillions of notes on their art- you know heavymedic exists and most of all you probably ship it.

And I find that weird. In the few fandoms in my life I have been in I had never seen a single ship be so widely if not shipped, then accepted. Sure, maybe everyone in the GF fandom knows what Billdip is - for better or for worse. Sure, maybe the HS fandom is 70% shipping.

But I have never ever seen such a phenomenon in a prominent multiplayer game fandom. A fandom, sadly, oftentimes filled with toxicity. Overwatch is very similar here - yet ships are either a hot topic of discussion or straight up ignored. But TF2? In here for whatever reason we ship these two mercenaries. And in this essay I will try and find a reason or two why is that.

Apologies for any mistakes or incoherency. English is not my first language, I need to ramble, and my vocabulary is all over the place.

Content warning: mentions of homophobia, blood, death, mentions of WLW fetishization, nsfw mention. Also MASSIVE SPOILERS FOR THE TF2 COMICS.

Part 1: Canonical Evidence and Interactions

Let’s be honest: I could ramble about this one for days on end. But I’ll try and keep it short.

First and foremost we have the official videos. And of course the first thing that comes to mind is Meet the Medic.

At the very start of the part where Medic himself appears, we see him telling a joke about a particularly gruesome situation to Heavy.

He laughs along with him, visibly enjoying his company. He even smiles as he waits for another joke. Heavy only shows genuine fear a lot later.

And of course this damn scene always cracks me up. Medic slightly pinches Heavy’s cheek and strokes his lip gently (the other part is almost not noticeable unless you play the video at slow speed).

Of course we all know about the Hand Hold that happens somewhere halfway in the vid. I don’t think I have to explain the gayness in that. The fact their hands stay interlocked even after Medic helps Heavy up. The deep breath Medic takes because even he cannot handle the emotions. That few seconds is unresolved sexual tension manifest.

Overall the short shows a strong feeling of trust between these two. Medic confides in Heavy and reverse. Yeah he puts a baboon heart into his friend’s chest cavity but the fact (as proven at the end of the video) that Heavy was the first one to have an Ubercharge implanted into him shows that Medic at the very least considers him a lab rat.

I treat End of the Line as non-canonical, as do many others, and as such won’t discuss it here. But it will forever crack me up that Valve endorsed such levels of homoerotic subtext.

These two have some short moments in other videos, like for example in Invasion Heavy helps Medic up (CINEMATIC PARALLELS) but it’s nothing major so I guess I’ll skip forward.

Second is their interactions ingame. You might call me a weirdo for trying to find stuff in there but holy shit I have things to say and I’m going to say them.

You thought I was going to fanboy over the “i love this doktor” voiceline huh? Well not really. I wish these two had unique lines if they assist one another.

Heavy is literally listed on the official wiki as the “ideal medic buddy” and multiple pages on that exact wiki say some pretty interesting things.

I have to say something about the Gentleman’s Ushanka and/or Pocket Medic. They are both community cosmetics - but the fact they both got accepted by Valve says a lot. Above is text snipped from the actual wiki.

Last but not least: The Comics. Darned comics. The pair of mercenaries has basically no interaction - unless you count issue 6.

Heavy getting absolutely PISSED when Medic is killed by Ch*avy. Their reunion. Medic referring to Heavy by “my friend” in a totally straight way. Kind of sad Valve wasted an opportunity for them to hug. Maybe they knew their comic artist ships them and wanted to avoid having to answer the Question™.

Part 2: Dynamics

This part’s a bit trickier, mostly due to the reason that I’m new to this whole dynamic analysis thing. Yeah I’m good at spotting canonical evidence but very specific shipping dynamics often escape my gaze.

The most obvious one is Big Guy, Little Guy. Quoting the TVTROPES page:

[…] This trope describes a pair of guys who always fight together, are best friends forever, and quite often have a very obvious hierarchy: The little guy is often in charge […] The little guy is usually listed first, since he’s the leader, and they are always listed together, as if they are one entity. In fact, some episodes may center on the fact that they can’t live without each other. […] If this is a case of Brains and Brawn, the Big Guy is usually the Brawn, and the Little Guy the Brains. It’s almost never the other way around, but in some cases the Big Guy can be rather smart too. […]

A sub-type of this, a common favorite here on Tumblr is known as “small chaotic big calm” and hoo boy if that isn’t these two. I don’t really have much to say here - again I am not an expert.

Part 3: Fandom Impact

So you don’t think Red Oktoberfest (as Heavymedic is sometimes called) is super popular on anywhere else than Tumblr? Wrong.

It’s hard to find TF2 fics on Archive of Our Own not tagged with Heavy/Medic. Of course most of them only contain hints to their relationship but go in the main tf2 tag and I can guarantee you, you’ll gonna see “implied heavy/medic” all the time.

But these two go further than AO3 or Tumblr or Instagram or whatever. They are recognized even within the wider circle of the fanbase. Take this SFM, for example. (I am using the Saxxy Awards version of Secret Lives here mostly due to the fact that the Heavymedic moment is much gayer. In the normal version, the dialogue isn’t changed, but they simply hold hands.)

But it gets deeper. (WARNING: THE GAY MOMENT IN THIS ONE IS NSFW. NOT EXPLICITLY SO BUT JUST A HEADS UP TUMBLR PLEASE DO NOT FLAG ME)

And the best part? The comments are extremely positive. You’d expect hoards upon hoards of homophobes screeching but no, the comments are supportive. Even on places such as Reddit or Youtube, comments like “yeah they’re gay and in love” do not get downvoted/disliked to hell; in fact the opposite.

Part 4: Canon Status

Let’s be real. Most ships are shipped because people want to explore the dynamics in fanfic, fanart or something else. But Heavymedic is shipped because… well, I have no idea.

Actually, I kind of do - but only theories. You see, while the canonical evidence is here, the creators have never said anything about them. No confirmation, no disproval, no hinting, nothing.

But the ship is so prominent! There has to be something causing this!- you say. And to that I present you 2 theories on why Heavy/Medic is so popular.

Theory number 1 states that we simply all choose to interpret their interactions as homoerotic. And this is very easy to disprove - there’s simply no way we just collectively agreed on these matters out of nothing. There has to be something bigger.

And theory 2 states that, well, our interpretation is the desired interpretation. But this is even more ridiculous than theory 1 for a number of reasons. If they are in fact gay, why hasn’t Valve made them canon yet?

A Theoretical Scenario

I am going to ramble big time on this one, so buckle up lads. I’ll discuss a theoretical scenario in which, well, if that was not obvious, Valve confirms Heavymedic as canon. Maybe then we will see why they will probably never do so.

TF2 is considered by typical capital G, alt-right Gamers as a “non-political” game. This means no women (in the game itself, at least, and if even, sexy women only), no queer folk and no minorities (for some reason they accept Demoman but throw a fit if someone draws any other merc as not being pearl white). Team Fortress 2 was around before Gamergate and other things like Gamers Rise Up. It’s a classic and Valve is regarded as the good guy to Epic Game’s bad guy. If Valve did anything to confirm doubts, wherther it be clearing up popular fanon or confirming ships, these people would throw hands. (Although they seemed to ignore when one of the writers confirmed Miss Pauling is a lesbian. Huh.) Even those that don’t play TF2 would come to the aid of their bros.

Let me illustrate with two very similar examples. In both cases these confirmations were the first made by the company as a whole, both are fairly recent and both confirm a character as gay.

First we have the confirmation of Tracer from Overwatch as a lesbian. It was done in one of OVW’s comics. Tracer is the FACE of Overwatch as a whole and while most of the fanbase accepted it (thankfully the Gamers are reluctant to infest ow), some people threw what I can only describe as a hissy fit. At least her girlfriend’s a background character.

Second is Neeko from League of Legends. Unlike Tracer she was added a while before it was confirmed she was gay. LOL is much more toxic and filled with Gamers than OW and holy shit people smeared LOL so much.

Of course these are not accurate to Heavy/Medic. In both of the cases I listed it was girls being wlw and we all know how much cisgender heterosexual gamers LOVE yuri porn. Apparently only girls can be gay because they can jack off to it - if it’s two guys then it’s disgusting. Nevertheless I think these are good approximations - in every case the company gets “shat on” on social media and other sites. With the community that Valve has, I think even if they wanted them to be gay, they would never ever confirm it.

Conclusion

I’m sorry for that ending. I had to theorize a bit. Regardless I’d love if you shared this on other sites, reblogged or whatever - I wasted at least 1 and a half hours of my life on it. Feel free to cite this as a source if someone asks you why you ship the big heavy weapons expert and the feral battle medic.

[suits-of-woe]

For the OTP asks... f!Edmund & Goneril >:3

1. If you had to change the pairing’s very first meeting, how would you change it?Well their first meeting was presumably years before the play started so idk. For this AU in particular though, maybe not the first meeting, but I’m picturing a young Edmund walking around court with a chip on her shoulder but secretly kind of desperate to find anyone she can who can relate to her and accept her in terms of her sexuality and everything she’s facing and Goneril like…knowing that but knowing that associating with her is only going to make it harder for both of them. So she probably tries to get the interactions with Edmund over with quickly but then the next time Gloucester comes to court Edmund’s been sent away and Goneril regrets not being able to do more.


2. What song fits your pairing the most?I’m notoriously bad at finding songs but I still LOVE “The Tower” by Vienna Teng that you suggested for Edmund in this AU.

3. What is your favorite AU/prompt idea/trope for your pairing?This AU for sure, f!Edmund is so great and I didn’t know I needed that until we started discussing it. I love talking about them so much :) I’m also just a sucker for any AU where they both live and so does Regan and they can actually have a talk and sort out some of their insecurities and mayhaps be emotionally vulnerable.

4. Do you prefer canon ideas or do you have your own headcanons for them?I love canon in all its sexy disastrous glory, but when I’m in the mood for them actually being soft and finding love and comfort with each other, it’s gotta be headcanons. Besides the set-up of the girl AU most of my hcs about their relationship are either post-canon or things they were thinking during canon, but as far as their canon scenes together I don’t really change much.

5. Favorite canon moment of them?I think you said this was your fave too but it’s gotta be 4.2. “Ere long you are like to hear, if you dare venture in your own behalf, a mistress’ command” is just SO MUCH. Dom!Goneril and sub!Edmund is the stupid hill I will die on. That whole scene is just brimming with Power Dynamics and Goneril finally deciding to just let loose and take what she wants, actually embrace her sexuality without fear for the first time. And Edmund just feeling so desired and also actually having someone go after her for once and getting very swept up in the whole thing. That scene is incredibly good.

6. Least favorite canon moment of them?The duel. Which is weird cause I love that scene character-wise for both of them individually, but in terms of their relationship I find it devastating. Goneril having to watch Edmund get mortally wounded and realising this whole relationship that made her give up everything, made her kill her sister, is just crumbling before her eyes and she really is going to be all alone again. And then in realising that she leaves Edmund alone! Edmund who’s spent the whole play desperate for love and affection is just totally without it in her last moments! Fuck!!! Shakespeare why did you do this to me?

7. Favorite headcanon trope/idea? (Your own or someone else’s)Ok I joke but I am actually so into the idea of Goneril being the one who initiates the relationship/is more dominant/forward in general because I think it swaps so many of the expectations they’ve both had to face in such a good way. Goneril’s always had to present herself as this object of desire and reproduction for men, that was how her value was measured as a princess and a wife, and her own desire has always been taboo and tamped down, ESPECIALLY because it’s for women. Whereas Edmund’s considered a perverse bastard, of course her tastes are wrong and vulgar, but she’s supposed to be like her mother, not the real object of anyone’s affection for longer than it takes for them to sleep with her and be done. So Goneril getting to WANT and Edmund getting to FEEL WANTED is my favourite thing.

8. Least favorite headcanon trope/idea? I hate interpretations where Edmund is just using her and Regan for power and doesn’t actually have any emotional connection to them at all. I find it so weird cause if she just wanted to marry a princess Regan is right there! It’s clearly not just about that! It doesn’t have to be True Love or anything but the idea that they have zero feelings for each other is ridiculous. And on a less blatantly wrong note: portrayals where Edmund is the one doing all the seducing. Have y’all read 4.2?

9. Favorite aspect of them/their relationship dynamics?The mutual loneliness…the mutual rejection they’ve faced from their parents and the world…the mutual realisation that maybe they ARE worthy of love and happiness and can find it with each other….yeah.

10. Least favorite aspect of them/their relationship dynamics? (Can be headcanon)Edmund buddy you gotta STOP sleeping with two sisters at the same time. I know it’s about her feeling the need to hoard all the love she can get but it’s so bad hon, you’re hurting everyone involved. If you could just NOT do that you could actually maybe have a happy monogamous relationship??

11. If they aren’t a canon pairing, how would you get them together?I mean they’re kind of canon but them having a functional monogamous relationship is definitely NOT so. My go-to “fix-it” (by which I mean fixing the sad feelings of me, a villain-stanning dumbass) scenario is basically Gloucester escapes with Lear, so Cornwall never blinds him and never dies and Regan has no reason to go for Edmund. The sisters win the war but Albany’s conscience gets to him so he helps Lear and Cordelia get away and goes with them (and also Edgar and Gloucester probs) back to France. Cue a very messy divorce, but at the end of it Goneril’s in full “fuck everyone, I do what I want” mode and Regan’s 100% there for her, so Edmund gets to be her closest advisor and not-so-secret lover, and now that they’re not surrounded by people who treat them as second-class all the time they can actually like…feel secure and be in love.

12. If you had to take them and plunk them into another fandom, what fandom would that be? Why?Hmm I suppose another play where they could be a badass power couple with less interference and tragedy. Antonio and Sebastian from the Tempest have some vibes so you could genderswap them. Could TOTALLY see Edmund like “hey you know how I usurped my sibling? I’ll help you usurp your sibling, and then maybe we can also bang”

13. How hard is it write/draw your pairing? Scale of 1-10.I’ve only kind of tried once (and that was with m!Edmund anyway) so idk…6 or 7 maybe? I like writing Goneril but I find Edmund’s voice very hard to get right, plus I’m always trying to find a good middle ground between Shakespearean English and totally modern language.

14. Is there a pairing that you think rivals them?I mean in-universe it’s Regan/Edmund but I don’t like them nearly as much (and I don’t think they like each other all that much either). If Regan weren’t so grief-stricken and Edmund weren’t so obsessed with holding onto any bit of affection I don’t think they ever would have gotten together.

15. Which character of the pairing do you like more? (Would you ever pair yourself with them?)I’m for sure an Edmund person — as much as I love Goneril, she’s not top 3 characters in the canon level of fave. And I think my crush on Edmund is well-documented (although less f!Edmund since I’m straight) but that relationship would probably end in my death tbh

16. Which character of your pairing would be the one to break up with the other? Why?I guess Edmund, since she’s the one who cheats, and even though Goneril seems to know about it she doesn’t end things. But realistically I don’t think Edmund would actually break up with her even if she probably should, she’d be more likely to keep hanging on because Affection™ even if things were a wreck. Honestly given how things are in the canon I think both of them would stick around long after it stopped being a good idea.

17. Are they relatable as characters or as a pairing?I relate to Goneril somewhat because Womanhood™ and oldest daughter feelings and especially in this AU having a bad and traumatic relationship with a man that makes you hate him even if it’s not really his fault :/ I don’t really relate to Edmund though, and I’ve never had a relationship similar to their dynamic

18. Did you once/ever dislike one/both of them?Regan was the first sister I loved and I still adore her but for a while that made me think of Goneril as the boring evil crazy sister who was just getting in everyone’s way. Edmund I loved from the start, although at first it was just in the “villain is cool and sexy haha” way, and it wasn’t until I got really into that character that I started loving Goneril too and thinking about how much they have in common and are SUCH victims of their parents and society in general.

19. On an estimate, how many posts have you made about them?Less than 5 I think, this is definitely a niche ship as far as people’s interest on here and tbh I didn’t start fully shipping it until recently. It’s definitely a guilty pleasure ship because their relationship is DISASTROUS but it also makes me feel…a lot of things.

20. What made you decide to ship them?I got really upset thinking about how Edmund canonically died alone and rewrote his death scene so Goneril was there they both kind of…realised how lonely they both were and got to have a genuinely tender moment right at the end. And then it occurred to me how sad their mutual love-starvation is and how much I want them to be there for each other. And THEN you helped me flesh out my ideas for f!Edmund and that just intensified both of their feelings of rejection by the world and Edmund getting to embody Goneril’s sexual liberation and both of them experiencing love in a way they never have before and that just made it even more compelling.

21. Favorite genre for them? (Angst, fluff, etc.)I’ve barely written them but honestly fluff because the main appeal of this ship is giving them both companionship and someone to understand what they’re going through. So yeah, I want them to be sweet and talk about their feelings and work through their issues enough to be a functional couple. Will this ever happen? Unlikely, but I can imagine it.

[heesgf]

sleepover w/ lee byounggon

 this is just a fun lil bullet scenario i put together bc i think everyone is in need of some cute fluff💘 the next thing i have coming out will be more sophisticated LMAO!! stay tuned :’) also read pt. 2 of drunk neighbour gon if u haven’t already!!!

Hello cyuties!!!!💕💕

So!!! It’s a thursday night, and you’re doing your physics homework bc damn,,,, it’s due tomorrow morning and you really should’ve started a little earlier :///

But its ok bc you have some candles lit on your vanity, and you’re snacking on some jolly ranchers; the lighting is dimmed and sexy (for urself!)

You are minding your own business, and getting ur physics on in ur own little world, when suddenly:

THUMP!

 shortly followed by a quiet, ‘o shit!’

You whip your head around to look at your window, which now has a large crack running through the middle, and you see the head of your bashful boyfriend peaking through from outside

“Gon?!? Is that you????”

You rush toward the window, quickly push it upward, and byounggon’s just standing there like :’(((((

and ur like “rlly ???? :////”

“Im sorry, baby. This was supposed to romantic and i messed it up” he mumbles 

You want to be mad but he’s pouting, and looking so cute right now

he’s wearing a green flannel with a white t-shirt underneath, and the black beanie he’s wearing makes him look extra cute!!

so you end up smiling back at him :’)

plus the window was half broken anyways??? hmm i guess you actually have a reason to get a new one now....

byounggon grabs u by ur hoodie collar and he pulls in to kiss ur lips!! 

You kiss him back while giggling😚😚

When you pull away, he’s waving a little bag in your face with a cute smirk

You would recognize That Bag™ anywhere!!!!

IT’S BUBBLE TEA!!!!!

now he’s trying to shove himself through the window and u plant ur hand on ur hip and ur like:

“Ah ah ah!!!” and waving ur finger

He’s like: w u t t

That’s when u hit him with the: “u broke my window, so if you want me to grant u entry, u have to freestyle rap. The theme is: me.”

U think he’s going to groan and make a Big Fuss

so ur smirking deviously like ‘hehehehe i win’

But then he starts going:

“Yeah.... yeah.... My baby is the best, they’re so cool! My baby is the best, they go to school!”

Tbh ur about to close that window and pretend none of this ever happened! 🤦

But u have Mercy today

So you IGNORE THAT 

And let him inside...

That boy knocks down every single bottle of ANYTHING u have on ur vanity!!!!

Ur giving him the Evil Eye like “shhh gon!!! my parents!!!!”

He just smiles and comes closer to you, and he wraps his around your waist

“Whaaat? Your parents love me?”

“My parents love you at a consensual dinner when you’re two feet away from me at all times, okay? Not when you’re... doing...”

Byounggon’s smirking up at u; he’s placing kisses on your collarbone and his hands are circling tighter around your hips

“Doing” *kiss* “what?” *kiss*

He’s making you bite your lip, and now he’s looking up at you

HE LOOKS SO S M U G !!!!

“This!!!” You whine, and your waving ur hand at everything he’s doing right now....

Eeeek!! U Love It

But also,,, he needs to STOP🚫🚫🚫  

He thinks ur whining is so cute!! And now he’s laughing into ur neck and he’s like:

“Ok, ok, i’ll stop, i’ll stop”

Thank u Lord. 

So now you and gon lean back into your bed, and you just cuddle under the covers

Sometimes you like to face each other and have random little conversations about your day:

“U know, hyunsuk put ketchup on an apple today”

“That’s disgusting”

“Honestly, it didn’t taste thaaaat bad?”

“U TRIED it?!??!”

“Well he asked,,”

“SO?”

etc. , etc.

 Other times, he’ll be perched upward, and his back will be against your bed’s headboard

You’ll be sitting between his legs, and he’ll have his arms around your waist, and his head nuzzled by your neck

You guys will watch something on Netflix!!!

Probably something goofy like Teen Titans lmao

He gets sulky when u tell him that robin is kinda hot????

A Mess™

you place a kiss on his neck and u whisper, “ur hotter thoo”

now he’s smiling❣️❣️❣️

 At one point, you guys ditch Netflix, and you’re just lying side by side

When you hear footsteps down the hall, and the bathroom light turn on, you lose ur Damn Mind!!!!

You grab the covers and you pull them all the way over gon’s head

He does not know what’s going on

You lay back down on your bed and you’re pretending to sleep, but like, one eye open so u can keep watch on the door

When nobody whips into ur room, u let out a sigh of relief!!!

#false alarm!!!!

You remove the blanket off byounggon’s body,,,, but his eyes are still closed and he won’t move???

You’re kinda like: “Huhhh??”

You wave your hand in his face, truly believing that he might have fallen asleep in that literal 30 seconds

But then, All of A Sudden, he’s like:

“Lee Byounggon”

“???????”

“Time of Death: 1:38 A.M.”

“ommygod u dORK shut U-”

“Cause of Death: asphyxiation” 

“You are such a drama queen!!!”

Now, u have done IT! 

Byounggon starts laughing and he wraps his arms around you, and tickles your sides!!! 

he’s like “huh?? What’d you say??? I didn’t hear you?????”

You’re BEGGING!!!!

“I take it back!!! I take it back!!!!”

How are your parents NOT awake right now LMAO?????? 

Honestly, the time you guys spend together wastes away in many fits of giggles and the cramped movement of ur bodies (u have a twin bed!! 😩); you guys are both a little high off each other’s muffled whispers and slow breathing

At one point, you’re so tired, you’re basically half asleep already

And you’re staring at the little glowy stars you’ve had on your ceiling since you were like... 5 years old

You start smiling at the stars and all of a sudden:

“gon?”

He’s rubbing his hands over your sides; he knows you’re out of it, so he’s softing lulling u back and forth in his arms

“Hmm?”

“You know,,,” you mumble softly, and point upward. “You’re like... one of the stars on the wall?”

His interest: Peaked

“Oh yeah?” 

He’s grinning so hard

“Mhmmm.... You’re a star.”

He leans forward and plants a sideways kiss on your cheeks

“Thank you, baby... now go to sleep, okay?”

“Mm okay.”

The next morning, around 5am, byounggon wakes up

to be REAL, he spends a couple minutes just staring at you; moving the hair out of your face, running his finger down the bridge of ur nose, caressing your cheeks with his thumb

THIS MIGHT BE GROSS BUT LISTEN i think he’d stick his finger in ur nose (u can hate me but i believe IT) and see if u wake up LMAO

Breaking news: you do

 When you wake up he’s a little shook and very pouty, because honestly he was just trying to play around and admire ur cuteness, not wake u up!!! He knows u need ur sleep!!

But,, you’re waking up with gon’s arms around your waist, so you’re not mad at all 

And even though your blanket is riding down a little bit, his body is so warm you feel completely fine???

When ur eyes pop open and u catch him looking at you, he lurches even closer to you, and nuzzles his face into your neck

He plants a really sweet little kiss onto the side of your neck and then just stays there for a little bit

You hear a really soft “morning, baby” 

ITS!!

 SO!! 

DEEP!!!

His voice is a little scratchy, a little raspy, and VERY, sexy

U kinda have to fight the urge to 🤤🤤🤤

 Because his face is in your neck, his hair is just underneath your nose, and mmmmmmmm... he’s giving u oaky old spice

“Im sorry for waking u up :((((“ 

“Its ok baby,, i want to spend as much time with u as possible before u have to leave”

This genuinely makes him so blushy

 He’s like: “u like me, huh?”😏

Sometimes he’ll just say things like that? 

And u have to remind him like: hello, yes, we are dating, and i do in fact, like you! 

“yeS i like u, you dork!!”

You guys are getting a little more comfortable, and now, the sun is rising a little bit

You can hear the birds in your neighbourhood starting to chirp, and the light peeking through your blinds is shining on half of gon’s face

Ur quiet for a little bit bc ur just staring at him, and taking in everything that you see

Ur so whipped!!!! Ur giving him straight heart eyes

His heart is beating 394039403 miles per hour and he thinks ur being so cute 

Ur rlly just in ur own world like: ‘wahhhhh he’s so pretty (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧’

Byounggon interrupts ur lil moment and he’s like:

“U know, u were talking in your sleep a little bit...”

This peaks ur Curiosity™ 

Because what if you accidentally revealed the fact that you’ve been stealing his grey hoodies for about four months now, but you’ll only do it every two-three weeks so it’s less noticeable,,, he really has SO MANY that u doubt he’d ever find out... currently, u have successfully obtained 5

Mission Success!!!✔️✔️✔️✔️✔️

Or at least that’s what you think LMAO

Gon has been knowing about this since the beginning....

Ur really NOT as sneaky as u think you are yikes :/

You’ll walk into his room with ur bag empty, and suddenly, when ur leaving, it’s all rounded up like a giant balloon???

Not Slick smh 😞

ANYWAYS!

Ur trying to act natural, and ur like, “o yeah?? Did i say anything.... Weird?”

He’s smiling and looking goofy!!!

He’s all like: “hmmm nothing weird, pretty predictable honestly?? U were like... ‘oh gon, ur so sexy~~~’”

I think he thinks you’ll deny it? And make a big fuss?

But honestly you’re just smiling at him

And you lean into his face, and you glance at his lips, and then you just lean forward and kiss him 

And into the kiss, ur like “mmmmmm yeah, u are sexy”

HE’S LOSING HIS MIND❣️❣️❣️❣️❣️

HE’S BLUSHING SO HARD

WHY CAN HE DISH IT, BUT NOT TAKE IT?!?!

U conclude ur affections with a kiss on his nose, and then u plant your head on his chest, and wrap your arms around his waist

he leans down to kiss the top of ur head and he’s feeling a lil sad bc he knows he has to leave in a couple minutes

lil baby :’(((

“I’ll miss u when u go” you whine into him 

He’s ruffling the hair on the top of ur head and laughing at ur clingy-ness;

“don’t miss me baby i’ll be back before u know it”

It takes a little too long for him to untangle himself from you, but he really needs to leave, and you should really get back to sleep so you’ll be ready for school

 He’s leaning toward the window, and you’re sitting on the edge of ur bed, biting ur lip as he tries to make his hair not look like you’ve been playing with it for hours 

Before he leaves, he reaches into his back, and he whips out an XL.....

**** drum roll plz ****

📣📣📣hoodie!!!!!!!📣📣📣

He throws it in your direction with a little bit of a giggle,,,,ur mouth kinda dry rn because,,,, does he know about the secret collection?

Y e s 

H e 

D o e s

Your gulping, and pouting ur lips; 

“u know?”

“Yes, u loser, i know. One time u legit stuffed one of my hoodies under your shirt and u thought that would do the trick”

Damn .... he got u 🔥🔥🔥

So byounggon runs over to you, wraps the hoodie around your head

He squishes your cheeks together and gives you one last little kiss

It’s slow, and he’s biting at ur lower lip, and when u pull away, he lingers a little....

God, ,,, , why does he have to leave??? :(((

So then gon finally starts to head out the window!!! 

He flashes u a wink (the audacity????), and as he climbs down onto the ground, he mouths “i love you”

U sleepily blow him a kiss, and shut your eyes, mouthing the words right back

When his figure disappears from your frame of sight, you lay back onto your bed, and let out a sigh

You take gon’s hoodie, pull it up to your nose, and you snuggle back into your bed

It’s still warm in that one spot he was lying in

You take a deep breath of his hoodie....

 Ahhhh it smells just like him!!! 

A little woody like his cologne, a little fresh like his laundry detergent, and a little spearmint-y  like the gum he’s always chewing

In only a few minutes, you find yourself falling back to sleep; thinking of your boyfriend’s unbelievably warm embrace, and dreaming of his slow and sweet kisses ✨✨

EXTRA:

ok so when ur morning alarm rings, it’s go time!!! ✊✊✊

bc now it’s mission: hide this whole thing from your mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You have to speed clean your room because it definitely looks crazy???

All the things gon knocked over when he came into your room are STILL on the floor omymmogod

You grab a plastic bag from the kitchen and ur rummaging through your room to find those bubble tea cups......where tf are they????

One is under your pillow and the other is under ur bed????

You and gon are BOTH bed eaters (if u have a problem with this u can take it up with me personally, eating on ur bed is VALID!)

So ur a little weirded out, but not too bothered 

You shove the plastic bag into the garbage can!! And you clean your room as best you can!! You even make ur bed which is wild bc.... U never do that smh

At around 8am, your mom POPS into the room and she’s like

“Good morning angel!!!!!💕💕” 

She’s acting pretty normal, and seems to be in a pretty good mood, so you’re smiling really hard rn because it seems like,,,, you have done IT!

She’s about to turn around and head out for work 

And you’re about to jump on the damn bed bc u are genius mastermind LMAO

But then she whips back around, and her laser vision zooms in on something in the distance; now she’s stepping back into your room and tilting her head to the side a little bit 

“(Y/N)?

*gulp* “yes mom?”

“Why is there a crack in your window?”

FUCK.

jogidjog this was just for fun!! i hope u guys liked it :’)💘

[sehun-smut-blog]

Deceitful - Chanyeol

some people bring out the worst in you, others bring out the best. Then there are those remarkably rare, addictive ones who just bring out the most. They make you feel so alive that you’d follow them straight into hell, just to get your fix

one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | +

This post contains intense and possibly triggering themes. Viewer discretion is advised. Rated [M] for mature.

Seven

“Yeah, I’ll be ready.” You huffed to Baekhyun, before hanging up and tossing your phone on the opposite side of the ed. Because if it was in your hand, you knew you would try to call him again.

They must have scared Chanyeol really bad. That, or the whole scenario - that he may have felt the same about you that you did towards him - was completely a fantasy. Honestly, you wouldn't be surprised at this point.

You seemed desperate, but honestly? You were. Every time you came home to an empty apartment without Yeol’s presence making your heart race was like a bullet in your chest, tearing you up from the inside out. It was achingly painful each time your call got sent straight to voicemail, how you couldn’t even ask anyone at the company about him without the fear of being fired dripping down your neck like ice water. It was drowning you, deflating your lungs how each second without him seemed to be more painful than the last.

But tonight, Tayeong had called you. Your own phone, making your chest clench when you kicked up the call, having his voice slip trough the receiver. 

“I want you to come to headquarters tonight, come see me. You’ll do that, won’t you baby?”

The words had made your head rush, fingers tremble, even though your voice sounded confident. But now that you had confirmed pickup with Baekhyun and were left to get ready, you were gut splittingly nervous. Usually, Chanyeol would be able to talk you down. 

But now, you were alone. Too proud to call Kyungsoo, instead you just sat on your couch, waiting for the silence to console your quaking limbs.

When that did nothing, you showered. The warm water was supposed to help your freezing anxiety, warm you up from the outside in. You knew exactly what tonight would entail, shaving your legs and armpits to prepare. Then you moisturized, but the massaging did nothing for your trembling.

The next resort was dong your hair and makeup. Tonight, you decided o be more daring, highlighting your shoulders and chest until you shone under the lights, smoked out your eyes until they popped through the smoky black shadow. A nude gloss made your lips look delectable, mint gum freshening your breath as you curled your hair loosely across your shoulders. Even then, you kept fighting to keep your breathing steady.

You didn’t want to sleep with Tayeong. You didn’t want to see any more of him than you already had, see the dark underbelly of his naked form. You had already seen enough glimpses into his head, you didn’t need to see him fully undressed before you - literally. It was terrifying enough knowing he lacked a conscience, you didn't want to know if he lacked anything else beyond that. Somehow, stepping over the sexual threshold felt like you would suddenly see him - all of him, with his second face he usually wore stripped away too.  

Finally, you slipped into fishnets and combat boots, a black turtleneck tucked into your plaid skirt. It was sexy enough when you slipped a chain onto the skirt’s belt loops, but hopefully not enough to have him desperate for you. You needed at least a second when you saw him, just a moment to collect yourself before he tried to push it further.

Because you didn’t want Tayeong. You wanted Exodus to succeed. You wanted to survive the raid with your newfound family intact. You wanted to see a tomorrow where you could operate and make money with your friends, enjoy your success without the constant fear of death breathing down your neck. 

That was a reality you weren’t sure was too ludicrous, considering the situation.

Eventually, you got a text from Baekhyun, saying he was around the block. At this stage in the game, it was too risky for you to be picked up at your front door, juts in case they happened to be tracking Baekhyun’s car. That was the sole reason you were hustling into the freezing air, breath reduced to nothing but puffs of steam as you skittered towards the familiar car around the corner.

“Ah, turn up the heat!” You whined once you got inside, immediately trying to fiddle with the knobs and get the vents blasting heat.

“Hello to you too.” Baekhyun hummed, rolling his eyes at you playfully, but when you caught his glance, your own eyes immediately went wide.

His jaw was swollen and bruised, swaths of purple and red tracing the contours of his skin like paint. His lip was still slightly puffy, just enough to make you notice, but it was the shocking colour that really packed it’s punch.

“Oh God, Baek, are you okay?” You asked, shifting to get a better look at his injured skin with wide eyes.

He batted you off with an eye roll and a wry grin. “Yeah yeah, I’m fine. Your boyfriend packs a good punch though.” He grumbled, shifting the car into drive and peeling away from the curb.

“Chanyeol is definitely not my boyfriend.” You sighed, turning to click your seatbelt into place quickly. “That’s against company policy, or do you not remember him yelling that at us?”

Baekhyun clicked his tongue slightly with a shake of his head. “Yeah, I got the message loud and clear.”

You scoffed at his attitude, giving his arm a light shove. “It’s not like we were breaking the policy anyway, Chanyeol’s just an idiot.”

“Not that I hadn’t thought about it, breaking policy.” Baekhyun hummed, his words making you freeze up slightly.

“What?”

“I thought about asking you out. You’re hot, and nice. Seemed like we could have been a good couple.” He responded, giving you a half-grin. You weren’t sure wether to believe him or not, wether he was pulling your leg or actually being serious. It was impossible to tell with Baekhyun.

He spoke up again before you even had the chance. “At least I didn’t try it, Chanyeol probably would have snapped my neck and spat on my grave.”

“Oh, you’re ridiculous.” You sighed, rolling your eyes slightly at his words. He seemed to think he had it all figured out, as though that altercation between him and Yeol the day before actually revealed anything deeper. It didn’t. Chanyeol was just being headstrong, as always.

“I’m being ridiculous?! As soon as he saw I was within ten feet of you, he damn near blew an aneurism.” Baekhyun scoffed, rolling his eyes. “Plus, he wasn’t exactly sneaky when he pulled you out of my interrogation early.”

You furrowed your brow, stammering. “W-what are you on about now?”

“Oh, come on! Wasn’t it him that pulled you out of the room, I’d recognize that voice anywhere. Why do you think he would have gotten you out right as we were getting started?” Baekhyun questioned, giving you a glance out of the corner of his eye.

You remembered it like it was yesterday, the memory so vivid in your mind you could almost feel it. Sitting on Baekhyun’s lap, teasing smirks and tight grip on his wrists. Inching closer and closer until enough was enough, Chanyeol demanding the interrogation was over. Returning to the surveillance room to tense Kyungsoo and Yeol alike, staring each other down like they had been arguing just a second before.

Baekhyun couldn’t be right... could he?

“So I’m right then. Honestly, I don’t know how you wouldn’t have noticed him pining after you earlier.” Baekhyun hummed, injured jaw twisting into a grin that looked painful. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.”

Ignoring the twisting of your gut, you just socked his arm harshly. “Oh, shut up.”

Baekhyun was just trying to rile you up. Surely, he could see in the flush of your cheeks the way you felt about Chanyeol, and was using it to egg you on. It was childish, really, but of course, it had your mind racing.

Racing almost faster then the car, until suddenly, the looming building on the dirty street made your head stop dead still in it’s tracks.

“Here we are.” Baekhyun hummed, throwing the car into park next to the sidewalk. “I’ll probably head in too and do some training, keep making appearances, you know?”

You nodded with a slight hum. “Yeah, for sure. That’s smart.” 

Baekhyun smirked slightly. “Do you have the earpiece in?”

Your hand fluttered to your ear quickly, the one usually occupied by the small bluetooth. “No.”

“Good. Wouldn’t want Chan - I mean, Kyungsoo, listening in.”

You just humphed, waiting for your legs to take you outside. Somehow though, they just... didn’t. They refused to move, your hands clamped together firmly your lap, lip being nibbled harshly between your teeth. You were frozen in the car, and from more than the cold.

God, you didn’t want to do this.

“Don’t worry, it’s just a few times and then you’re all done!” Baekhyun hummed, giving your knee a slight pat with an open palm. “Only a couple lays, then home free. This is the worst part - it’s like ripping off a band-aid!” “And what about after this, Baek?” You said softly, eyes still busy tracing the exterior of the building carefully. “What about the next gang? Or the one after that? This is my job now, and I love it, but this? Sleeping around? I just...” You sighed, turning to shoot him a glance. “I wish I could just be an assassin or something, you know? Something easy.”

Baekhyun hummed, his mouth twisting into a painful looking, sad smirk. “Nothing about this job is easy.” He scoffed, shaking his head slightly. “I can promise you that.”

You sighed, your gaze falling back down onto your lap. He was right, after all. The killing, the violence, head and heart at a constant battle between what felt so right, but you were told was so wrong. Black and white. Fire and ice. Why couldn’t anything you did ever e straightforward, simple? That would be a relaxing vacation right about now.

But you never wanted easy, did you?

You didn’t. So, to his surprise and your own, you popped open the door before you could second guess yourself, hopping out and turning to give him one last, forlorn smirk. “Well, good thing I never wanted easy then. I’ll text you whenever I’m done, if you can give me a lift home?” You asked, cocking your had at him quickly.

“Y-Yeah, sure, just let me know.” Baekhyun stammered, watching you closely even after you had shut the door. 

The heel of your boots clacked harshly against the concrete as you scampered up the sidewalk towards the front door, trying to slow your breathing with each step. Left foot, in. Right foot, out. In, out, in time with your feet. It was all you could focus on, all you would let yourself focus on until you tugged open the heavy door with a slight grunt.

And as soon as you saw him leaning on the empty reception desk, your lungs froze. At this point, you were sure the desk was there strictly for show. He was typing away furiously on his phone, notched brows knitted in concentration.

If Tayeong was an element, he would certainly be ice. Cold, cunning, like water he had the ability to give life, yet also take it away. It was scary how even standing there, his frosty aura was enough to send a chill down your spine.

You had to fight to not dart in the opposite direction, towards warmth and light, wherever that may be. 

But you didn’t even get the chance.

“Ah, there you are, darling.” Tayeong purred, giving you a serpent-like smile once he looked up from his phone. “Looking ravishing, as always.”

Painting on a faux smile, you stepped closer towards him, and into his open arms for a hug in greeting. “Thank you, Tayeong.” You hummed right back, your lips brushing his ear softly. He smelled like nickel, and sage - if you had to name it, like a cold knife. Fitting.

“I’m happy you were able to make it, my love. Although, I wouldn’t expect anything less.” He hummed into your ear. Ah, there it was. The thinly-veiled threat, as though if you had been late, he would have no choice but to punish you accordingly. At least, that’s what you took from it.

“I’d never be late for you, sir.” You giggled back, letting the rush of adrenaline in your system scatter your cheeks in a flush. His eyes drank it in like a fine wine, memorizing the image of you blushing in his head, every move of his gaze calculated by you. God, it made you want to retch.

“I like your promise, but alas, never say never, pet. Now come, I have something for you.” Tayeong smirked, winding an arm around your hip and waltzing you further into the building. 

The echoing of your footsteps served only as a reminder of just how empty this building was. Each balcony was still blissfully empty, apart from the potted plants, but still - you felt like this lace was just begging for someone like you, an enemy to breach it’s doors. Then they could simply pick each and every one of you off from above - like shooting fish in a barrel.

continuing to the elevator, Tayeong was quick to press the call button and send it grinding down to the first floor. “So, you and Baekhyun drove together again, hm?’ he asked nonchalantly.

Glancing up at him however, you watched as his narrowed gaze followed to where you could just barley see Baekhyun himself, entering the front door. His look was not friendly, nor even civil. Instead, it was filled with... disdain, almost. Like Baekhyun was so far below Tayeong that he shouldn’t even be worthy of a glance.

“Y-Yes, I don’t have my own car so I texted to see if he as planning on coming here today. Luckily, he was.” You laughed slightly, laying your hand on his chest softly, praying to God it would make his muderous glare fall off Baek.

Thankfully, your tactic worked, when his gaze fell back down to you, twinkling mischievously. He gave you a slight laugh, but his words when he stepped ahead of you made you roll your eyes behind his back.

“I’ll give you money for a cab from now on, don’t bother with that idiot.”

But still, once he turned you returned to your swooning smile, as though you were trying to conceal it. “Ah, thank you, that’s definitely be a weight off my shoulders.” You hummed playfully, even though poking fun at Baekhyun like that made your stomach twist in guilt.

“I can only imagine.” Tayeong hummed, pressing the button to the fifth floor and sending the elevator upwards. It was a perfect time for you t fall into silence, instead glancing casually out the glass walls of the elevator was you climbed stories.

One. The first floor was familiar, the worn couches and short tables trying to fill the emptiness failing miserably. behind those couches, a tiny person under the coffee table. Hardly a spot to breathe without being seen, let alone hide.

Two. The second floor was essentially just balconies overlooking the main floor, glass banisters offering o shield of protection. At least the doorways jutted into the walls, offering a foot - actually, about a foot and a half - where someone could duck for cover.

Three. Your glances were bordering on obvious now, so you only allowed yourself a quick peek. The doorways weren’t jutting inside the wall, so that motion was out. Instead, each corner had a large, obnoxious fern, as far as you could see. 

The fourth floor came and passed without a glance, because suddenly you were preoccupied by a tug at your belt.

“Is this a chain?” Tayeong scoffed slightly, giving it just enough of a tug to make you tumble into his side slightly.

“I-Uh, yes. I thought it looked... cool.” You said, blushing harshly. Against your better judgment, you snatched it out of his grasp, placing and smoothing it back against your hip softly.

“Cool?” Tayeong hummed, stepping forward when the elevator halted and doors slid open. “You know, chains have better uses than some stupid accessory.”

Your throat burned at his flippant reply, the metal now burning into your hip. No fun accessories. Noted. 

“I’ll keep that in mind.” You hummed sweetly, following his footsteps and imagining kicking out his knees every step of the way.

Finally (or, judging by the sick swimming of your gut, regretfully), he reached the door to his office, tugging the ring of keys out of his pocket quickly. Flicking aside the first four, he settled on the fifth et again, only confirming your key theory. Hell, at least the pride of being right about that could somewhat mask what you were about to do.

“After you, pet.” Tayeong said with a cheshire grin, gesturing for you to lead the way into his dark lair. It was like a den - a cold, damp, slimy den you would only crawl into to die.

But still, you nodded with a slight smile, following his extended hand and heading into the darkness. He was quick to flip the switch, shrouding the room in dim, yellow light. The smell of must and mildew still clung to the place like a vice, but at least this time it was less dusty. 

You noticed how his desk had been cleared of paper, making your stomach drop like a rock. He had prepared for something - or someone - to be put on top of that desk.

“I have a gift for you, darling. I never back down on my promises.” Tayeong hummed, giving you a meek smile as he waltzed around you, his thick silver watch shining under the dim light.

“A gift? God, I couldn’t possibly...” You started, but your throat stopped working when you saw what he pulled out of his top desk drawer. It sealed off completely, if you were honest.

The velvet box oozed expensive, emblazoned with a golden label of some jewelry manufacturer you couldn’t even place. The language was unfamiliar to you, cursive swirls and enticing calligraphy, making you step closer out of curiosity. It was like the box was the only intriguing object in the room.

“It’s a Juste Un Clou.” Tayeong hummed, grin growing when he saw your intrigued gaze. “Something as beautiful as you deserves necklaces equally as exquisite, don’t you think?”

Slowly, his nimble fingers pried the lid of the velvet box open, revealing a simple, but ludicrously ornate necklace. The silver chain dipped down to support a simple nail, curved into a semi-circle, encrusted with diamonds. They flashed and shone in the light, projecting rainbows over the box. this necklace as made for royalty, for the pompadour and elegant. Not for you, who's hands were trained to be stained with blood, and could barely remember to shower every other day. 

“God, Tayeong...” You said, your voice a hushed whisper. Slowly, your fingers traced along the box. It should have been nice. Score, you just finessed a luxury necklace! Somehow, though, it just made you want to quiver, run away and hide. Now, this was all so real, you being branded with something he bought for you like you were his property. 

“Get up and come around here, I want to see it on.” Tayeong said quickly, cocking his head as a gesture for you to head around the desk quickly.

Your legs were weak. Weak and unfeeling, but numbly you followed his direction until his hand forced you onto his lap, your thighs on either side of his. 

“Here you are, precious.” He hummed, clasping it around your neck slowly, your eyes trained on his face. There was no softness there, no warmth. He was carved from stone, you were slowly realizing, and like he was Medusa, you were turning to stone under him, too.

Fear and guilt plagued your insides, rendering you a shell as he finished attaching the necklace to your throat. Your hands rested on his chest carefully, lightly, like you were scared touching him would cause his shards to pierce your palms. Maybe you were convinced they would.

“Do you like it?” Tayeong asked, leaning back to give you a sinister smirk, like he was just begging you to say no, reap the consequences. You couldn't have done that even if it wasn't your job to please him. Something about his gaze made you want to crack underneath him instead. 

“O-Of course, I love it, Tayeong.” You said, a weak smile taking over your lips as they fight to not spew a choked gasp. Instead, your hands touched the diamond accessory carefully, like if you brushed it too harshly it would shatter.

“Good. You know what this present means now, right?” He hummed, brushing a strand of hair out of your face slowly, carefully, like you were an aged painting. The way he handled you suggested you were some historical piece, something to be appreciated, but ultimately left to rot. An object for his pleasure.

“No.” You hummed carefully, hand falling slack back onto his chest. You didn’t want to know the answer.

But you didn’t have a choice but to hear it.

It’s like you were watching a movie, and suddenly, the sound shut off. Suddenly, Tayeong’s hand was around a throat that was not yours, even though you could feel his digits winding into the column of your neck. His breath was cold as it scraped your skin, but you couldn’t really feel it. You couldn’t feel anything anymore.

“You’re mine. Only mine, got it?” Tayeong hissed in your ear. Maybe in his twisted head, he thought it was attractive, to stake claim over you like that. “You belong to me.”

Words failed you as his hand tightened it’s hold on your neck, making you see stars. Where were you looking? Your vision was unfocused, blurry until you blinked a few times, and... God, when did Tayeong grasp hold of your jaw?

He was saying something, you could tell that much from the movement of his lips. It took a second though, for his words to register in your head.

“Say it.”

“I-I’m yours, Tayeong.” You finally managed to force out, and luckily, it sounded convincing, even to you. 

Grinning maniacally, he gave your jaw a firm shake, his eyes lit up in fierce pride. “Good girl. Now lean over my lap, quickly.”

Fuck. Fuck, you didn’t want to lean over his lap like some common whore! You didn’t want this at all, any of this. You wanted to go home, curl up under your covers. You wanted someone to hold you and comfort you because lately, you had been more alone than you had felt since you had since you’d slipped into the night, and away form everything you knew all those years ago.

But you followed his direction, standing and shuffling until you could drape yourself over his smooth knees, their slim bones pushing harshly into your stomach. This certainly didn’t help the vomity-feeling in the back of your throat.

From here with your gaze only on the floor, you allowed your eyes to slip closed. For a second, just a second, you let yourself slip out of this situation. It was the only way you could keep yourself from passing out. Instead, you pretended you were on a beach, all white sand and blue-ass water. God, how is the water so blue?

Until Tayeong began fiddling with your hip, the clanking of metal making your eyes flash open.

“Chains have better uses than accessories, doll. Such as sex toys, for instance.” Tayeong said carefully, and sure enough, alongside the feeling of his hand slowly ghosting over your ass underneath this skirt, you could feel the cool metal chain links also brushing along your curves.

He wouldn’t spank you with a chain. He isn’t that sadistic - is he?

“Hmm, such a delectable ass like this should be painted pink, don’t you think?” Tayeong hummed, his voice making your fantasy of white beaches slip away entirely. “This chain would do a fantastic job at that, wouldn’t it?”

A whimper escaped your throat, fingers tracing the wooden floor beginning to quake. “P-Please don’t.”

“Oh, I love your voice when you whimper like that, darling.”

The drag of the chain links on your ass rose higher and higher alongside is hand, until you could feel your skirt being pulled over the bare of your ass. Thankfully, your fishnets were still on. It made you feel just slightly less naked against him.

“Such stockings are only worn by prostitutes, doll. Would you like me to take them off for you?” 

God, you could hear the growl in his tone, the sick tones mixing with the sound of the chain which he was twisting in his hand, you could only assume. No, don’t take them off. Leave them on, get your hands off of me, and go fuck yourself.

“P-Please.”

Gritting your teeth, you fight to not scramble away when you felt his hands linking through the linked holes of your tights, pulling them slowly down your body. The scrape of the material was enough to make your hands fall limp out of their fists, physically, emotionally and spiritually giving up this fight. There was nothing you could do. You were powerless against him.

You could feel the material bunching around your knees, but he didn’t bother pulling them off completely. Good, he must want this to be fast.

“God, you’re sucking sexy.” He growled, and his hand was quick to smack your ass harshly. It stung, the spank echoing through his dingy office and ricocheting back into your own ears at what seemed double the volume, making you wince even more.

Tayeong seemed to take that as a sign to continue, when he delivered a bruise-inducing slap to your bare flesh. This time, it made a broken cry fall from your lips, eyes screwing shut to prevent the tears from falling out of them. 

The assault continued, a flurry of smattering whacks and spanks that were enough to make a few stray drops leak around your eyes, biting your lip raw and red to stop from screaming. Over and over until you lost count, dizzyingly fast and rough, until you were sure your ass was glowing red and hot as a coal.

“Fuck, okay, get off me and lean over the desk.” Tayeong grunted, giving you a slight shove as a sign that it was time to move. You felt like a fucking play thing, a sex doll come to life, the way he was whipping and moulding you to his own desires.

But still, sniffling slightly, you allowed yourself to slip off his knees and sway onto your feet. Laying on him like you had for so long caused a dizzying rush to your head, specks flooding your vision.

“Go, I don’t have all day.” Tayeong grunted, working on his belt and giving you a slight kick towards his desk with his foot. 

When his foot connected with your leg, you allowed yourself to step away just before it would have made contact, the stockings around your knees limiting your motion slightly. With the motion, the back of your thigh brushed the wood of his desk.

His cleared desk.

Turning to glance at it, you gulped to stop yourself from screaming. Stop yourself from punching something, stomping your feet and bolting in the opposite direction. Even if you had tried, Tayeong would probably kill you for it.

So, slowly, you laid down until your chest was flush with the wood, until your eyes could see every nick and scrape on it’s surface. You just settled your cheek on it, staring into the abyss blankly, not focused on anything, yet somehow hyperfocoused on everything. The chills running rough your body, how your lungs were tremoring like you were sobbing when you couldn’t even muster that. The feeling of something brushing your thigh, and you shouldn't be surprised that it was barely lukewarm.

“Ready, darling? Can you handle this?” Tayeong grunted, rubbing his head against the outside of your panties which were certainly on display through this position.

Breathing was hard now. In, out. In, out.

“Yes.”

At your word, broken as it may be, Tayeong didn’t hesitate. Instead, he used the opportunity to push your panties aside, and thrust inside you harshly.

Something was roaring inside your ear, a tiny roaring, and at this point, you’re  so sick with fear that you can do nothing but listen to it. It distracted you, at least, from the feeling on him thrusting inside you. The desktop was clammy and very cold beneath your cheek but you’re too weak to lift your head. Even if you had tried, you’re sure you would have failed anyway. You imagined beginning to scream like you wanted to, into the roaring. To cry out, cry for help or some escape, such a sick fantasy now. Too soon, your breath started jerking back and forth in your lungs as if it were something Tayeong was stabbing you with, again and again with no tenderness. A noisy, gravelly moan rose from Tayeong’s throat, but you wanted to block it out. Locked it inside a box and throw it away, like it would somehow get rid of Tayeong, too. It wouldn’t. 

Now, you were thinking maybe nothing would. 

You played the part well. Panted moans and whimpers, eyes screwed shut. To him, it probably looked like you were trying hard to contain yourself, but in reality you were trying not to burst at the seams.

You couldn’t pretend any more, however, when you felt something cool and smooth slip around your neck alongside Tayeong’s necklace.

“Ah, Tay-” You began, eyes flying wide, but your chain tightened around your neck, cutting off your next words harshly.

“I told you this chain had better uses.” Tayeong hissed in your ear, pulling it hard enough hat your back arched to meet him. From here, you could barely breathe at all, the chain so tight you were sure it was going to leave a mark.

“Ah, ugh!” You managed to cough out when he slammed into you again, your vision slowly tainting black around the edges. It was painful, like your chest was burning heat and about to burst, but you couldn’t do anything. Your hands scrambled to find purchase of your neck, but once they did, the metal was so tight you couldn’t even slip your fingers underneath to tear it off.

“Close, so close...” Tayeong mumbled behind you, his thrusts growing sloppy and weaker by the second, but you were starting to lose sensations completely. In fact, it felt like you were losing your grip of reality overall, your vision going darker and darker by the second. Even the feeling of the desk below you was slowly slipping from your senses, like you were floating away. God, how nice would that be right now?

But you felt just enough to register Tayeong pulling out of you, and the slick sound of him jerking himself to completion onto the back of your thighs. You could feel it land on you, but didn’t even mind because that feeling finally, finally signalled the release of the chain around your neck.

As soon as his grip loosened, you collapsed onto the desktop with a harsh thud, lungs and throat expanding to take in as much sweet, sweet oxygen as possible. It was cold and crisp, making your head swim with it’s taste, which you had all but forgotten in the seeming hours it had felt like you were without it.

You leant your head into the wooden desk harshly, panting roughly, as though Tayeong would begin suffocating you again in just a moment. It felt like he would, because you had seen him snap and become a killer in just an instant before. Who’s to say he was feeling any different now?

But, his voice cut off your thoughts before they could run away.

“Clean yourself and find a cab to take you home. I’ll call next time I’m in need of you.” He huffed, and you could hear him tucking himself back into his pants, the jostling of his belt as he latched it back up. 

You never thought the sound of a belt being done up would give you so much joy.

Eyes fluttering shut, you just managed a weak not, still puffing slightly as you listened to his footsteps. Too slow for your liking but still at a stiff pace, you could hear him, going, going... and with the slam of his door, gone.

And only after you cracked your eyes to ensure you were alone, did you let out a shuddering sob.

What the hell had just happened? You thought as you managed to weakly push yourself up until you were just leaning on his desk, stockings slipping slightly further down your legs. 

That was it. The hurdle you had been so afraid to jump, the mountain you weren’t sure you could climb. You had done it. But now, you felt like he had taken a piece of your sanity, like this was a story you would have to suffer in silence, all wrapped up in a bow within your memory box. Only for your nightmares and deepest, sleepless nights. Like this was something you would never be able to discuss, and would take to your grave.

The thought of that, stewing on the past hour of your life for the rest of your existence, made your stomach give a churn that was just slightly too harsh.

Clapping a hand over your mouth, your eyes widened, feeling the familiar rush of bile of the back of your throat. Oh no. Too much thinking.

Scrambling, you threw open Tayeong’s desk drawers harshly, looking for something to wipe his cum off the back of your thighs. First one, dead end. Second one was nearly bare apart from a couple boxes of bullets and a small bag of white powder, which didn’t surprise you. The bottom drawer, however, you got lucky. Tossed inside seemed to be his set of backup items - a small jar of what you assumes was hair gel, a few half-chewed packs of gum, and a small square of tissues that had already been opened.

Movements shaky as you tried your best to repress the vomit from climbing your throat, you snatched the pack and shook out a single tissue, wiping yourself clean haphazardly. You were trembling harshly, the bitter, vile sting burning higher and higher until finally, tossing the napkin aside and tugging up your tights haphazardly, you scrambled to a small trash can beside his desk and coughed out the contents of your stomach.

Why was it after visits with Tayeong, you were always left retching? You thought as another shuddering wave overtook you, spluttering into the trash, which was full enough as it is. You’d have to take it out anyway, to cover your tracks. Guess you were going to be doing him a favour.

Finally, the rumbling of your gut quelled, until you felt good enough to wipe your teary eyes slightly. The force of your gagging was enough to make a few tears slip across your cheeks, certainly smudging your makeup, but you didn’t care. There was no one left to impress here.

Slowly, you straightened, running a hand through your hair to keep it out of your face. With one final spat, you called it. It was fucking time to get the hell out of here.

Grabbing the trash bag carefully and avoiding any stray splats of puke that had almost missed, you heaved it out of the bin and tied it off quickly. Your throat was sore - it was definitely going to brush, you thought as you tugged your turtleneck up higher to conceal any marks. Giving your stockings one final shimmy upwards, reminding yourself to destroy them somehow once you got home, you made your way to the door and twisted it open.

Making your way down the hallway, it was a relief to find the rest of the building blissfully empty. The dragging sound of the trash bag was your only company as you punched the call button for the elevator, struggling to blink any residual redness from your eyes. It still felt like you were about to collapse. Maybe on some subconscious level, you were. Your sanity certainly had. Your support system had too, leaving you crashing completely alone.

But, maybe not.

So when you went into the elevator, you fished your phone out of where you had hidden it in the cup of your bra. You would call him, but you had enough. He clearly was too busy, or perhaps too scared to answer your call. Maybe he was happy the two of you had been forcefully disassociated from each other. Either way, no use embarrassing yourself any more.

Instead, swiping it open, within a few punches you could hear the other end ringing. It only took a few shrill cycles before Baekhyun answered. 

“It’s Baek.” He hummed quickly, shuffling slightly on the other end. Before you could even get in another word, you heard a dull thump, followed by the hissing of death between teeth. “Ah, fuck off Mark!”

“Figured your stomach could match your face.” You heard Mark snark, making you scoff as you punched the ground floor.

“I-I’m done, can you take me home?” You hummed slightly, lurching when the elevator began creaking downwards.

“I - ah! Fuck off!” He spat, and you could hear Mark’s laugh rattle through the receiver. “I-I can’t but just go outside, someone will be waiting for you.” Baekhyun grumbled, making you furrow your brow.

“What do you mean? I’m not getting in the car with some stranger, come on Baek, I want to go home.” You allowed yourself to whine, slipping your eyes shut. You deserved to whine a bit, after the day you’d had.

“It’s not a fucking stranger, just - fuck sakes - just go outside. Trust me on this one. I have to go. Mark, I swear to God - ”

The call disconnected with a dull dead tone, making you scoff as you looked down at the contact. Call disconnected. Fucking awesome. That’s the cherry on top of the fucking day you’d had. 

“Fuck you, Byun Baek.” You spat into the empty elevator, scuffing the heel of your boot against the floor roughly. Fuck sakes. If there was someone to get you, it was almost definitely someone who wanted you back at headquarters, for whatever reason. That’s probably the last place you wanted to be right now. Now, unless you were in the range with Sehun or training with Yixing, it just felt bitterly alone.

Eventually, the elevator ground to a halt, the bell letting out a shrill ding before the doors slid open slowly, squeaking the whole way. For as sophisticated as Tayeong likes to appear in front of others, this place sure was falling apart.

Blowing a stray strand of hair from your face, you picked up the trash bag, knowing the dragging sound would certainly ricochet around the whole building from the main floor. Instead, your forearms burned as you carefully and soundlessly slipped around the corner, balancing the trash bag in your grip until you finally burst out the front door.

Thank God nobody saw you taking the trash out, as it definitely would have raised a few questions. Now that you were back out on the street, still stained with it’s signature odour and lined with litter, you allowed yourself to simply toss it against the side of the building roughly. Trash collectors would find it... eventually.

With the dead weight off you, you shook out your arms, huffing harshly. God, you could use a bath. A toothbrush would be nice too, you thought as you licked your teeth slightly. The taste of vomit had faded away by now, but just knowing you had puked at all made you want to rinse your mouth with drain cleaner.

But you didn’t even get the chance to dream about getting scrubbed clean before a horn honking made you jolt. 

Whipping around, your eyes searched the sidewalk, suddenly remembering the secretive ride Baekhyun had promised you. Who the hell could it be, anyway?

But before you could think of an answer, your eyes zeroed in on a familiar beat up Camaro parked across the street.

You huffed a sigh of relief, your feet immediately carrying you over to the car, heart thundering. Darting across the street, you didn't hesitate before tossing the passenger side door open.

“God, Jongdae, you have no idea how happy I am to see you.” You sighed, slipping onto the worn seat and resting your head against the headrest. “This is Neoculture territory, should you even be here?”

Jongdae scoffed from beside you, and you felt him lurch the car into drive. “Yeah, it’s been a while, eh? And someone called in a favour. A few favours, actually.”

The squeal of tires was enough signalled that you were finally driving away - or flying away, to be more precise. The acceleration had you pressing into the seat, your eyes flying open on instinct as the car quickly climbed in speed. Sixty, seventy, eighty kilometres per hour and still somehow climbing, until Jongdae slammed on the brakes at the next set of lights.

Your hand flew to the handle above the door on instinct, eyes wide. It must have looked ridiculous, prompting Jongdae to laugh, shaking his head at you. “What are you, some kind of pussy?”

Scoffing, you rolled your eyes. “Come on, you know you drive like a maniac.” You hummed, making him give a cat like, curled smile.

“Well true, but come on, you don’t need to hold the holy shit handle! Now I’m just insulted.”

Rolling your eyes but still smirking slightly, you dropped the handle and instead crossed your arm. “Fine, fine. What the hell did Baekhyun do for you anyway to call in a favour like this?”

Jongdae just hummed, glancing in his rearview periodically and flicking his hair out of his eyes. “Baekhyun didn’t call in the favour, but I would have done it for him, too. Nice guy, that one. Smart.”

Glossing over his praise of Baekhyun, you instead furrowed your brow. If Baekhyun hadn’t asked him to bring you back to headquarters, then who had? Jesus, maybe you were in trouble, again. If you got fired after the torture you had just endured, you would probably kick every male at Exodus in the balls. Twice.

“Well then who was it?” You asked, watching him rapidly approach the red light where a left turn would take you straight to Exodus. This route was familiar to you by now, but instead, your confusion only grew when he maneuvered the Camaro into the right-turn lane.

“I’m taking you to him now, don’t worry.” Jongdae hummed, looking in his side mirror at the car that pulled up behind him. “Won’t be long.”

“What the fuck, Jongdae, who is it?” You contend pushing, holding on tight as he sent the car into a peeling right turn as soon as the light changed hue.

Sending the speedometer soaring once again, he just turned to give you a slight look. From the way his hands were tight on the wheel, the rigidness in his posture, you knew it couldn't be good. Fuck. Now, your stomach began twisting again.

“Fuck off Jongdae, I’ve had a long enough day as is, if I’m going to get fucking fired -”

“You’re not getting fired.” Jongdae shut you up with a shake of his head. Well, thank God. At least that released the iron clamp on your lungs, making you sigh in relief.

Until he added, “I hope.”

Eyes widening, you whipped your head to face him again, hoping to find some sort of smirk of a hint of a laugh, something to make what he said turn into a joke. But there was none.

Fuck. Now that you paid attention, this was the higher class area of the city, the cars growing more sleek and buildings taller, new glass and clean sidewalks. To live here, someone must make a lot of money.

Someone like a leader of a prolific mafia gang, perhaps?

If he was taking you Junmeyon, outside the office, you just might collapse. This job was not only what you thought you were made for, but it was now all you had left. If you were fired, especially after you had already given up so much for it, you just might die. Combust. Tear apart at the seams. Just how many bad things could happen in one day?

“Fuck sakes, Jongdae.” You muttered under your breath, shaking your head and chewing on your lips harshly. Now, you took the opportunity to flip down the overhead mirror above you, glancing quickly at your reflection. Fuck, you looked like a mess, concealer creased with tears and small tendrils of mascara creeping across your skin. Wiping it haphazardly, you scoffed at your own reflection. Well, if there was any way you would go, of course with your luck, you’d look like a mess while it happened.

Eventually, after another ten or so minutes of driving, Jongdae pulled to the curb wordlessly, slipping his precious car into park.

“Thanks.” You said deadpan, because you were sure as hell in about fifteen minutes you’d most certainly not be thankful.

Popping the door open, you were ready to slip outside and back into the brisk, freezing air, but Jongdae’s voice stopped you before you could.

“Hold on, you’ll need this.” He hummed, quickly reaching to dig into his pocket. Scrummaging around slightly, eventually, he pulled out a small, silver key.

Smirking, he held it out to you. “You’ll need it for the elevator. Twenty-first floor, twist the key then press the button, you can’t take it out until you’re on the floor.” He hummed, pressing it into your palm. Giving you another half-smile, he cocked his head. “And by the way, you won’t get fired. As long as this doesn’t slip, but I won’t tell anyone.”

Huffing at his cryptic words, you accepted the key with a nod. “Alright, thanks.” You offered again, before finally slipping out the door. Who even cared anymore. You were numb, like a roaring fire inside you had been doused in water.

Junmeyon would only call you here to let you down easy. Looking up at his sleek building, it was clear to see why. In luxury like this, it would be hard to be that upset here, with it’s sparkling glass windows and doorman waiting to graciously open the door for you. Jongdae was sweet, trying to ease your pain, but by now, you had no pain left to ease. You were about to lose anything. You weren’t sure if you would be able feel anything again, really.

Today had drained your soul like a leaky faucet.

The inside was just as slick as the outside, with it’s marble floors and spacious seating area. Jesus, for an apartment complex, this was still really impressive. Especially for someone as young as Junmeyon, to be able to afford this was a small miracle, although you supposed being CEO had it’s perks.

Pressing the call button for the elevator, you only waited a second before it arrived on your floor with a soft ding! The doors slid open soundlessly, the walls inside lined with mirrors and the floor also immaculate white marble. It put the elevator at Neoculture to shame.

Carefully, palming the key in your hand, you followed Jongdae’s instructions. Key in, twist. Once you did, the previously dim lights at the top of the motherboard lit up - the highest floors were only accessible by key. So, you quickly pressed the twenty first. Not the top floor, but beggars can’t be choosers, especially when you were about to be fired. But would it bee too much to be fired in a penthouse?

Swiftly, the elevator began rapidly flying up the stories, but so smooth you could barley tell you were in motion. The only indication was the LED numbers displaying the floor numbers - seven, eight, nine ten eleven twelve in rapid succession. Fuck. The least you could have hoped for would be a nice, lazy elevator ride to calm your nerves. On the other hand, that would also mean staring at your mussed reflection in these mirrors longer. Hmm. Maybe the fast elevator was a good option after all. 

Eventually, the elevator began slowing down, until it stopped completely. The glowing numbers confirmed it - twenty-first floor. The doors, however, refused to slide open until you removed the key from the motherboard, almost like you were unlocking a front door.

Although, technically, that is what you were doing.

Where you had expected a hallway, the doors instead slid open into an entranceway, with a coatrack and various shoes tossed lazily onto the floor. There was a mussed entrance mat, sitting haphazardly, but that was it in terms of decoration - for this area at least. 

But you could see a doorway to the right, leading to the rest of Junmeyon’s apartment, surely. Cautiously, you stepped out, the carpet dulling the sound from the heels of your boots until you slipped them off completely.

Following into the doorway, you carefully took in the room you had entered - the kitchen, by the looks of it. It was immaculate, however, looking like it had barley even been touched - except for the fact that the fridge was ajar. Light spilled from it, revealing the contents to you - multiple boxes of take-out. You crinkled your nose. Huh, you didn’t peg Junmeyon to like Italian food.

Other than the open fridge, however, there was only one thing that tipped you off that this was someone home and not an open-house. A small fishbowl, jar of what you could only assume was fish food beside it. You could just see the glints of the overhead light reflecting off the fish itself, swimming lazy circles around and around the bowl.

And somehow, you didn’t need to think before you knew it’s name; Seju.

His voice caught you before you had a chance to even look for him, as you caught a glimpse of him stumbling around the corner.

“Fuck Jongdae, what took so long? Did you get more - ” He grumbled, before he finally looked up, locking eyes with you.

How did Chanyeol manage to look so good even in a mussed, oversized tee shirt and sweats? How was he so fucking endearing even when he was staring at you, dumbfounded by your presence just as much as you were for him. How was even the sight of him making your heart jump into your throat like a fucking frog?

The feeling hit you like a bullet, so violent but somehow the exact opposite. Like wrapping yourself in a blanket so intensely that the comfort consumes you, the most satisfying and gratifying thing you’ve ever experienced. When his jaw fell slack slightly, eyes turning wide, it pulled the feeling out of you like the remains of a gunshot. It wasn't a choice or a decision; it was a fact. He gave you some sort of comfort you had never felt like this before, so thick and so much you couldn't help but choke slightly on it. 

It was all consuming and powerful, so much so you didn’t even hear yourself drop his key to the floor before you were running into his arms, which he opened to you readily. 

Clutching you tight, one hand on the small of your back and the other tangling in your hair, he hugged you so tightly you couldn’t help but sigh into it, eyes fluttering shut.

“Chanyeol.” You breathed, taking in the feeling of him, his cologne, everything.

He hummed against the crown of your head, straightening until you were strained onto your tiptoes to still be wrapped in his arms. It reverberated into your chest, your soul, making you fight to hold back a broken sigh. Who knew the smell of cedar could make you relax so much?

Finally, he spoke. “What are you doing here?” He hummed, pulling off to look you in the eye. His hands came up to cup your jaw, looking at your tear stains and surely mussed hair. His gaze traced you like you were going to disappear before his very eyes, some fever dream he couldn’t control. Like he was memorizing your features carefully, so he could run over them in his head even when you were gone.

“I-I don’t know, Jongdae brought me here.” You huffed, shaking your head slightly in his large grasp. “He picked me up, said he was calling in a favour.”

Scoffing, Chanyeol rolled his eyes, breaking off his study of your features to instead roll his eyes at the ceiling. “Jongdae...” He growled, surely thinking of the repercussions this could have as his hands slipped down and onto your hips. Hell, a threat from Kyungsoo was no empty one. “God, the one time I ask him to get more beer...”

Furrowing your brow, your hands released his hips to instead cup his own hold on your waist. “More beer? What?”

Chanyeol let out a hiss once your fingers scraped his knuckle, lurching slightly n your grasp. “Fuck, careful.” He whimpered, tugging his right hand from your grasp gingerly. “It’s still sore.”

You glanced down at it, eyes widening it’s it’s blackened knuckles and swollen surface. Hell, it almost looked worse off than Baekhyun. Which suddenly reminded you...

“Yeah, Baekhyun’s face doesn’t look much better, you fucking idiot!” You quipped, giving his shoulder a firm thwack. “What were you thinking?!”

Chanyeol batted your hand away with a grunt, rolling his eyes at you slightly. “I wasn’t! I just saw him, and you and I just... snapped!” He hummed, shaking his head slightly at the mention of you. It just made a small smile slip onto your lips tough, the way his oversized ears are slightly red, and God, how the hell did you forget just how big his ears were?

Fuck, it had only been a few days but already you had forgotten just how broad his shoulders were, how he loomed over you, the way his tattoo wrapped around his forearm. His scent, his image, the rumble of his voice, him. It was like having him back was making everything you had missed come back at hyper speed, and suddenly every feeling you had towards him was amplified even more than when you realized you liked him in the first place.

So you took him back into your arms, leaning onto your tiptoes and burying your face so far in his neck you could almost forget everything that had lead up to this moment. You felt him tuck his own head into the crook of your shoulder, feel the brush of his stubble against your skin, making you sigh slightly.

“I missed you, Yeol.”

He hummed at that, and you could feel his cheek tilt into a slight smile against your skin. Finally, he whispered into your neck. 

“I missed you too. A lot, actually.”

You smiled slightly, flushing. “You did?”

Chanyeol scoffed against you. “Of course I did.”

You hummed into his admittance, heart fluttering slightly in your chest, any shards or spines you had evolved melting away with him. Something about him calmed your storm, quelled your typical fiery attacks, made your hurricane the exact opposite. He could take your usual steely exterior and toss it aside somehow, just by existing. He didn’t bring out your worst or your best (something you weren’t sure even existed). Instead, he just brought out the most, the raw, unfiltered taps of you you hadn’t shown anyone before, but he cradled it in the palm of his hands. Remarkably rare, addictive. He make you feel so alive that you think you’d probably follow him straight into Hell, just to get your fix on his drug.

Slowly though, he pulled himself from your grasp. You were going to whine, pry to keep him close for as long as possible, but once he kissed you, somehow you realized that this was an impossibly better alternative.

God, if you missed one thing more than the rest, it was the feeling of him as he gingerly pressed against you, opening his mouth to swipe his tongue against your lips. Flutteringly light, but there enough that you accepted, opening your mouth to him and letting the taste of him flood your senses. It was slow and sweet, impossibly soft and careful, just cradling each other in one another’s grasp. Hs hand slowly wound in your hair, beginning to press more insistently against you, and you could taste the stout sweetness of beer on his tongue.

Carefully, you broke it off, leaning your forehead against his as he whined. “Have you been drinking?” You asked, sighing sweetly through your nose.

Chanyeol grumbled, fighting to press his lips against you again, whines growing on volume when you pulled away yet again. “Hmph. Might be a little tipsy, yeah.”

Tutting, you rolled your eyes. “And you sent poor Jongdae to get more beer? There’s better forms of pain management than alcohol, dumbass.” You teased, smiling slightly when you allowed yourself the pleasure of sneaking another chaste kiss against his lips.

He hummed into it, grinning slightly, until you felt it slip off of his lips. “Wait, you said Jongdae dropped you off? Where did he get you from in the first place?”

Oh. That. Suddenly, everything from this afternoon crashed back onto you, making your eyes screw shut and lips twist to prevent yourself from whimpering. Now that you were reminded, it all came back in flashes; fishnet stockings, gasping for air. This necklace, still draped around your neck. Chains around belt loops, around necks. Bruises, spanks and biting your lip to keep from screaming.

You’re mine. Say it.

You shook your head, breathing turning shaky. Just the memory of his piercing gaze made you shudder, hands beginning to tremble against Chanyeol’s chest.

Chanyeol. Chanyeol was here. That’s what mattered.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay.” Chanyeol offered, his hands slowly coming up to rub your arms in an attempt to comfort you. He was here, that’s what mattered. You wouldn’t need to suffer alone anymore, you wouldn’t need to hide this away and take it to your grave. 

At least you have me you can talk to. You have me, okay? Chanyeol’s previous words echoed in your head, making you stammer, trying to force them out. That you’d done it. Your job was a success, you slept with him, he trusted you enough to buy you elaborate gifts and take you to bed - or, rather, desk. 

But they just... wouldn’t. Not until you were trying so hard, reliving the memory so intensely that instead, a sob escaped you.

“I-I...” You began, whimpering into the words, eyes opening wide to take in Chanyeol’s, watching you equally as wide.

But you didn’t have to say anything before his expression changed.

You weren’t sure what to expect. Anger, disappointment? Like Tayeong had taken something he wanted, like he had lost in some weird, twisted game? As though the stupid desperation games was between him and Tayeong rather the two of you. What you didn’t expect, though, was for him to wipe your tear with the pad of his thumb softly, eyes turning equally as soft.

“Shh, okay. I understand.” He hummed, sighing slightly as the tears kept coming and coming, too quick for his fingers to even wipe away. “I know, but you’re here now, okay? I’ll take care of you, baby.”

Sniffling at his words, you managed a weak nod. Hell, didn’t he realize that just by existing, he helped you more than you thought possible? “O-Okay.”

“Okay.” He sighed, brushing your hair out of your face slowly. “Do you want to shower, or bath?”

Shower. Warm steam, enveloping you, racing down your back and warming your limbs. Bath. Silky water soaking your body, sweet smelling and relaxing your tense muscles. Slick and deep, covering you so completely if you closed your eyes, it could feel like you were swimming away from everything.

That decided it. “Bath, please.” You hummed, finally opening your eyes again to take in Chanyeol’s sad half-smirk. 

Flicking his mop of dark hair quickly out of his eyes, he nodded. “Okay. Come on.”

Slowly, he lead the way with a loose hold on your hand, past the kitchen and Seju, still swimming around in his bowl. Now you took a second realize off the living room was the kitchen, coffee talbe littered with beer cans that made your head hurt at even the thought of drinking. 

Eventually, he lead you to a closed door, which he twisted open with his good hand. Dark tile and white porcelain utilities, it too was also relatively empty, apart from the bottles you could see in his shower and overflowing trash can. You didn’t mind though, when you saw the large tub in the corner. It was big enough you probably could swim around in it if you wanted, but also probably wouldn’t. Instead you fancied the idea of just floating around, floating away.

Releasing your hand, he bent down to twist on the taps, giving you deja-vu to the last time he had run you a bath like this, last time you had broken in front of him. Just like last time, he was proving he was even more caring than he appeared - which, to be fair, wasn’t much. But still. It was fitting, though, how he was able to make even the little things like running a bath seem big. Such a big man should have an equally big heart.

Grabbing a spare bottle from the edge of the tub, he glanced at the label before turning and giving you a sheepish smile. “It’s body wash, but it’ll have to do.” He said, before flipping it upside down and letting the cedar-scented suds begin spinning in the water, growing by the second. 

He went to fiddle with the knobs again, turning his back to you slowly. “Go ahead and get undressed, I won’t peek.”

You scoffed at his words, shaking your head with a weak grin. “It’s nothing you haven’t seen before. If I recall, first time we slept together you made a point to watch me strip.”

Chanyeol scoffed at that, and you watched as the tips of his ears flushed a bright red. Spluttering, he said, “Well, yeah! But that’s cause I was being an asshole then.”

“Uh-huh.” You hummed, rolling your eyes as you began slipping off your skirt. It feel to the floor with a soft flop around your ankles, which you kicked away quickly. Next, you shimmied down your panties and stockings in one go, making sure to kick both of those extra far away. You had to put them through a wood chipper or something. Make sure they would be nothing but a memory, because even looking at them was making you feel sick all over again.

You unclasped the stupid necklace weakly, casting it onto the countertop to your right. It bounced slightly diamonds reflecting the light in rainbow prisms. You would have thought it was pretty before. Now, it could be the most gaudy thing you’ve ever seen.

Finally, you slipped off your turtleneck, and you felt it before you had the courage to look. Even the loss of pressure from your shirt against it made a difference, the cool air soothing the welt you were sure was there. There was a mirror behind you, you knew there was. You just didn’t want to see the damage... not yet.

So instead, you sighed weakly, unclasping your bra and slipping it off your shoulders. Casting it aside as well, you were finally bare, ready to slip into the tub, which was almost full enough, but not quite.

Still though, Chanyeol turned it off just slightly too soon, the water level slightly lower than you would have liked. What, was he expecting you to drown yourself?

Slowly he straightened, but didn’t turn to face you. “C-Can I turn around now?”

Rolling your eyes, you scoffed. “God, yes, Yeol, it’s nothing new.”

He chuckled slightly but turns nonetheless, his eyes settling on your feet before they trailed upwards. Every motion, every flush in his cheeks electrified you, your arms crossing slightly over your chest as a blush viciously rose in your own cheeks, still watching him carefully.

But once his eyes reached your neck, his brows furrowed. Slowly, you watched as his jaw began ticking lowly, gaze growing more and more sour, refusing to part from the area on your neck that you could feel throbbing under his gaze.

It was almost scary, how his chest began to rise and fall more rapidly and his good hand twitched into a soft fist, his jaw clenching. So, you asked, “How bad is it?”

Chanyeol didn’t say anything for a beat, making you even more scared at just what he would say. But he didn’t leave you waiting for long, instead stepping closer to you, his hand softening until he just barely brushed it against the skin of your throat, sending dull pain shooting across it.

“Get in, I’ll join you.” He hummed instead, leaning down to press a soft kiss against your forehead.

Was that worse than if he had said it was bad? Was he trying to comfort you before you even looked, by assuring you that he would join you in the tub, wouldn’t leave your side? Somehow, it made you more nervous now, prompting you to turn and glance at yourself in the mirror.

And what you saw made you gasp weakly, eyes going wide. Because if you had thought Baekhyun’s face was bad, his was pussy shit compared to your neck. Each link of the damn chain, each fierce tug against you was mapped in a ring of dark blueish black bruising around your neck, tendrils of red around the edges. It was like a galaxy of agony against your skin, harsh and stamped there for the whole world to see, impossible to hide. It was terrifying, to have the traumatizing memory stamped on your skin alongside in your head.

It was only the sound of Chanyeol gathering more bottles from the shower and tossing them onto the ledge of the tub that made you tear your eyes from the mirror.

Turning to give you a look, his eyes flickered between your neck and your face quickly. Fast, but still enough that you noticed it. Cocking his head towards the tub, he hummed. “Aren’t you going to get in?”

Weakly, you countered. “Aren’t you?”

Chanyeol managed a weak chuckle at that. “After you do, come on.” He hummed, waving you towards the water before he grabbed a bar of soap from the shower ledge.

Huffing, you stepped towards the tub. Hell, there was no use staring in the mirror any longer. It would just work you up again, make you hyperventilate. At least this time, you knew Chanyeol could talk you down if needed be.

Carefully you slipped your foot into the water, the warm soapiness of it already perfuming the air in the scent of Chanyeol, a scent you had always associated with his cologne, but maybe it was his body wash instead. Second foot in, you lowered yourself lower and lower, until up to your ribs was submerged. 

Leaning back, it was clear that yes, this scent was the one Chanyeol had trademarked in your head. It was nice to be completely surrounded by him, especially when the man himself was currently stripping off to join you in the water. You could hear a soft thud on the floor, followed by a second, which you could only assume was his shirt and sweats, back to back. You didn’t look, as badly as you wanted to. He hadn’t for you, you were going to give him the same courtesy. Instead, you let your eyes rest shut, instead honing in on the feeling the water flowing around your limbs. 

That is, until you felt Chanyeol brush against your shoulders.

“Scoot up, I’ll sit behind you.” He hummed lowly, making you smile slightly with a nod.

“Okay.” You said, slipping further up in the tub until he had enough room to step in behind you. One foot, second foot, and then you felt him lowering himself down, until his legs slipped alongside yours and your backside was pressed to his chest.

It was so easy with him, to do stuff like this and feel so at ease. Like sleeping with him in your bed, waking the next morning without even a twinge of awkwardness. As is arms gently wrapped around your waist, rubbing your skin softly as his lips started pressing slight, almost nonexistent fluttering kisses against your shoulder. You sighed into it, relishing in the feeling. Chanyeol’s arms finally felt like you were home again. 

It was like the both of you knew what the other was thinking, what each wanted and how to fulfill that for them. It was nice, to coexist without much thought, but still somehow he made you feel a thousand times better than anyone else could. It was addictive.

Slowly, your fingers traced along his calves in the water, making him hum slightly from behind you. Without even looking, you could tell he would be smirking, not cockily, but cutely. How he managed to do it, you had no idea, but it worked.

“I’m turning on the handheld, I’ll get your hair wet.” Chaneyol grunted, reaching for a small, handheld nozzle he could use to get your hair soaked. Flicking a switch on the base, it quickly began spewing water, which you could hear as well as feel against your back.

Once it started soaking your hair, you let your eyes drift back shut, letting Chanyeol’s fingers detangle the knots that had worked their way into your strands through the day. Only seconds later, you head him pop a bottle, followed by a squirt of something onto the top of your head.

“What’re you doing?” You hummed, grinning slightly and cracking your eyes open as though it would help you see him. If only you had eyes on the back of your head.

“I’m washing your hair, shut up.” Chanyeol grumbled, embarrassed. It just made you laugh slightly, shaking your head.

“Cute.”

“I said shut up about it.” Chanyeol growled into your ear playfully, making you shrink away, still giggling to yourself.

He lathered it up and worked it into a large mass of bubbles, getting every inch of your hair captured before he rinsed it out with the handheld again. Another bottle was quickly squeezed onto the top of your head, of what you could only assume was conditioner, before he ran his fingers through your hair once again, coating every strand in the substance.

All the while, your fingers kept tracing imaginary patterns across his calves, his knees. You pretended not to notice, how you could feel him slowly bulging up against you, slowing your motions so he wouldn’t end up embarrassing himself with a hard-on.

But now that you had noticed it, it was impossible to ignore. Now you could only remember the last time the two of you had slept together what felt like so long ago, in the basement of Exodus, on those shabby beds. That night was worlds away from now, and you couldn't stop yourself from imagining if the sex would be different, too.

You felt like you shouldn't be imagining this, after the hell you had been through today. Shouldn’t you be avoiding sex at all costs? Your neck had just finished bruising up from earlier, but really, this afternoon was not sex to you. It was work, an absolutely horrible part of your job you prayed you would never have to repeat. 

On the opposite, sex with Chanyeol was always pleasurable, like he was lighting every fuse and nerve in your body. That was before the two of you had even become close like this, too. Was would it be like now, you thought as your fingers began tracing over his knee under the water again, now that you had realized and accepted the fact that you really, really liked him?

The turning on of the handheld again made your train of thought halt, but certainly not die completely, as he began rinsing the conditioner from your hair. “Feel good?” He asked lowly, his fingers delicately shaking the remaining product loose until it flowed into the bathwater.

You hummed, tilting your head back to catch the spray around the edges of your forehead, neck aching with the motion. “Yeah, thank you.” You said softly, feeling the water flowing down your spine.

“You’re welcome.” Chanyeol hummed, ducking down to give your shoulder another quick, fleeting kiss quickly and making your skin erupt in fireworks. That was it, those little things that made you ignite and flush, your mind go blissfully blank yet somehow alight all at once. 

So, you turned to glance at him over your shoulder. “Want me to return the favour?” You hummed innocently, even though you could feel the semi that was pressed against the base of your spine.

Chanyeol’s eyes widened slightly, but he was quick to nod. “Y-Yeah, sure.”

You grinned slightly as you slipped around in the water, using the edge of the tub to hoist yourself up until you slipped his legs between your own, straddling his thighs under the water. With his hands now free, he gripped your hips softly, cocking his head as he watched you sit atop him.

But you were quick to grab the handheld, flicking the switch until a spray of warm water came gushing out. Smirking softly down at him, you quickly and playfully sprayed him in the face, making him splutter.

“Whoops, my bad!” You feigned an apology, instead twisting the faucet until it was soaking the crown of his head instead of his face. 

Using his good hand to wipe the water from his eyes, he was quick to give you a mocking, angry look. “And to think, I was such a good hairdresser.” Chanyeol scoffed, shaking his now wet hair just fast enough that the splatters hit your chest.

“Hey - ah!” You whined when Chanyeol snagged the handheld out of your grip, plugging it back into where it was supposed to sit on the ledge of the tub. “No fair, I was just getting started.”

Chanyeol rolled his eyes, using his good hand to brush a wet strand of hair from your face slowly. “What’s not fair is you spraying me when I was a model hairdresser. Seriously, I deserve a raise, and I’m not even being paid!” He hummed, smirking up at you slightly as his good hand settled on your jaw.

“If you think I’m going to pay you, you’re sorely mistaken.” You scoffed, hands coming to settle where the water met Chanyeol’s chest. 

His eyes glimmered mischievously when he cocked his head, eyes studying yours. “I know a way you can repay me.” He hummed nonchalantly, as though you couldn’t feel the way his dick twitched with the words.

You just grinned right back, mimicking his motion. “Oh, really? And what would that be then?”

Instead of answering, instead he just raised his injured hand to cup your jaw on the opposite side as his good one, gaze flickering from your eyes to your lips slowly. “I think you know.” He hummed lowly, his gaze meeting yours once again and growing darker by the second.

You used a hand to grasp his wist lightly, smiling slightly. “Yeah, I think I might have an idea.”

Slowly, like you didn’t want to scare him off, you ducked down until you were just an inch away from his lips, giving yourself a second to study his features again from up close, memorizing him the way he had you. You wanted to memorize his features, see him fully, because Chanyeol was the boy that brought the sun to it’s knees every night. You were sure of it.

Finally, with a slight growl, he leaned up impatiently, capturing your lips in his own. You hadn't even realized how much you could miss his lips, but you did, missed how soft they felt when he moved them against you. Missed how they fit so perfectly between yours, how they would open and close lazily but somehow made all the thoughts in your mind wash away. Everything about Chanyeol made you hazy, made the rest of the world just slip through your fingers like grains of sand.

“Are you sure you... you know...” Chanyeol hummed against your lips, panting for breath slightly when the two of you separated.

Your eyes flickering open, you glanced down at him, where his gaze was trailed your neck. On your bruise from only earlier today. You didn’t want that, didn't want him to stare at your cracks and bumps like a broken china doll. Instead, your hands slipped up to his, still cupping your jaw softly, as you sighed.

“I’m sure. I want to. After today, seeing you again is...” You scoffed, shaking your head slightly as you could already feel your throat closing off. “Yeah, I’m sure.”

Chanyeol watched you with a half smile, leaning up to give you another quick kiss before his eyes flickered to where his injured hand was brushing your neck. The smile transformed to one of sadness, when he muttered, “We match.”

Looking down at his hand, you scoffed. Sure enough, the black bruising, purplish stains and red swatches were almost identical to what you had witnessed in the mirror. “Must have been a hard punch.” You hummed, shaking your head at him slightly.

It just made him grimace though, as he leaned up to rest his forehead against your own. “I don’t even want to think about what he did to you.” He grumbled, shaking his head slightly.

God, even just him saying that made you grimace too, the memories already trickling into your head and making you wince. God, it was enough to make you damn near scream. At least this time you would be able to, rather than resorting biting your lip to prevent it.

“Neither do I. Just... let’s not talk about it. Let’s make better memories, yeah?” You offered, sighing in relief when Chanyeol nodded.

“Yeah.” He hummed, cocking his head at you slowly before the two of you met in the middle, for another sweet kiss.

It started slow, lazy and uncalculated as instead you focused on the feel of his slick chest beneath your palms, him cupping your jaw, fingers slipping across your shoulders. Between the water surrounding the two of you and his body, it was dizzyingly warm, the steam enveloping your bodies in the fresh, clean scent of his body wash. It was easy to forget, like this. Forget your job, the fact that the two of you weren’t allowed contact. Well, you supposed the joke’s on them, cause this absence certainly made the heart grow way fonder.

Slowly, Chanyeol’s hands travelled until he was holding your ribs, pads of his thumbs slightly digging into the flesh of your breast. Breaking off the kiss, he indulged in a glance when his large palms brushed over your nipples, making them perk up stiff.

“God, you’re so beautiful.” He growled under his breath, more to himself than anything, but you caught it. It made you stifle a giggle.

His hands slowly began squeezing your breasts more and more, never enough to be painful but still enough to make you whine, your forehead ducking to rest on his own. Your thighs burned as you arched slightly, trying to get some sort of friction on your core from beneath the depths of the water.

Chanyeol was quick to comply, his left hand releasing your breast and instead slipping beneath the soapy surface. It only took a second for his fingertip to find your inner thigh, tracing up higher until they pressed against your clit.

“Ah, Yeol...” You whimpered softly at the gentleness of it, the soft careful nature of his actions. 

He leaned up to press a kiss on the corner of your mouth, smirking slightly. “I fucking love when you call me that.” He said. Now that was a stark contrast from his initial reaction to it, making you laugh slightly.

“I knew it.”

Chanyeol chuckled slightly at that, his motions beneath the surface increasing pressure and making your jaw fall open weakly. It send sparks up your spine as you arched into his form, whimpering under your breath. Circling your sensitive clit slowly, then faster and faster before winding back down was making you ache, straining for him, all of him.

So, your hand slipped under the water too, gripping hold of his now fully erect cock.

You heard his breathing catch when your thumb swiped over the sensitive head quickly, before pulling up and down his shaft slowly. You could feel him, twisting and growing impossibly stiffer under your grasp. It was even more impressive under your touch than you remembered, and between your touches on him and his on you, you were whimpering.

“Yeol...” You whined, wanting more than his fingers on your core.

He seemed to have the same idea, voice gravelly when he answered. “Yeah, okay. Come on, scoot up.”

Releasing him from your grasp, you instead put your hands on his shoulders for balance as you pulled your legs up towards his hips, slipping across the porcelain with ease. He helped you, hands on your hips to guide you, water flowing out of where your bodies pressed closer and closer.

“Ready baby?” He hummed, glancing up at you quickly when he released a hold on your hip. Soon enough, you could feel him pressing his head at your entrance, waiting for your word even though he was chewing his lip harshly, probably trying to prevent bucking up into you.

You just wiggled your hips carefully, not giving words but instead actions as you sank down, down, until your full weight was settled onto his hips with a breathy sigh.

The concoction of your soaring body heat in combination with the warm water was making you heady, but you didn’t mind as you carefully raised yourself back up and down, still holding Chanyeol for balance by the shoulders.

He didn’t seem any more put together than you, as his head tossed backwards to lean on the ledge of the tub. “God, you’re so good at this.” He growled, eyes screwing shut as he succumbed to the feeling of you around him.

You just continued your motions carefully, up and down over and over until it felt like reflex, focusing on the feeling of Chanyeol stretching you. He was the perfect length to hit just right, each motion making you whimper more and more until you were fully moaning, nails digging into his skin.

“Fuck...” Chanyeol continued to growl, hands on your hips as he supported your motions. The water around the two of you was beginning to splash as the tempo of your bodies grew faster, making even more soapy bubbles reappear, the scent of sex masked by the perfume of the suds.

One of his hands released you to instead return to your clit, circling it quickly. He was trying to make you finish, and it was working as you felt yourself tightening around him.

“Ah, Chanyeol...” You moaned, your head shuddering to collapse alongside your hand on his shoulder, lips brushing against his water-slicked neck with every thrust. Your thighs were burning now, about to start quaking from exhaustion, but luckily Chanyeol was quick to meet you with thrusts of his own.

His fingers continued to grow pressure against your clit, until eventually, the feeling in your gut burst with a broken shout from your chest. It was dizzyingly powerful combined with the heat from the water, sending you to a breathless, twitching mess, grip tightening on his shoulders until you thought it just might bruise. 

With your tightening walls, it didn’t take Chanyeol long before he spilled too, thrusting deep and hard inside you one last time with a low, throaty groan. “Fuck, fuck yes.” He growled, his hand finally stilling on your over sensitive clit. One, two more half hearted bucks, and he too was spent, collapsing onto the back of the tub breathlessly.

Your face was still buried in his neck, vision rosy from the aftermath of your orgasms as the two of you caught your breaths. His chest was warm and solid beneath you, like it was carved from stone for you to lay. You belonged here, your heart and head screamed in unison. One of the only times they agreed, you were sure it must e significant.

So, nuzzling yourself further into his grasp, you felt it would be fine to whisper, “I like you, Yeol. So much.”

And after you said it, there was no hesitation, no pause to even think before he responded. “I like you too. So much being without you basically turned me to a drunk.” He panted, his arms slippery as they tightened around your waist, cradling you closer to him.

Eventually though, once the two of you had caught your breaths and felt comfortable enough to slip apart, you had to get out of the serenity that was the bathtub. Nice part about tub sex was that there was no cleanup necessary, as you instead were able to slip into a fluffy towel hanging on the back of his door, watching as Chanyeol drained the tub carefully. Next, he started grabbing all your clothes from off the floor, still padding around bare as the day he was born. 

“I’ll throw these into the laundry.” He hummed, turning to give you a half smile as he snatched your bra within his fingertips, wiggling his eyebrows.

You just scoffed. “You’d take any reason to get your hands on my bra, wouldn’t you?”

“Maybe.” He hummed, grabbing your skirt and adding it to the growing pile in his arms and making you scoff with an eye roll. Really, he was a typical teenager sometimes.

“Can you not dry off first, at least?” You hummed, turning to grab a towel and toss it in his direction quickly, but stopped when you saw where he was reaching next.

You had to stop him, though, when he extended a hand to snatch up your stockings. “Wait.” You cut, making him freeze in his tracks. 

“What?” He hummed, turning to glance at you, then back to the fishnets on the floor, suddenly half expecting them to pull a gun on him.

You scoffed at his wide eyes, tossing him the towel still in your grasp. “Jesus Christ, I don’t want to stare at your bare ass, put this on.” You hummed, before stepping forward and grabbing the fishnets yourself. You didn’t want him to wash them and fold them like you would keep them. They didn’t deserve that courtesy.

“I thought you liked my bare ass.” Chanyeol pouted, but slipped the towel and tucked it until it was slung around his hips loosely. Straightening to his fill height, with specks of water still reflecting off his bonze chest was distracting enough, you didn’t need to see his dick alongside that. 

“I do, but not hanging in my face while you do my laundry.” You scoffed, wringing the fishnets in your hands slightly, absent-mindedly.

Chanyeol hummed his chest puffing it pride as he cocked his head at you, eyes dropping to watch you twist with the article in your hands. “What’s the deal with those, then?”

You sighed, glancing down at them, their black strings and thick cotton waistband. “It’s stupid. I’m just going to throw them out.” You hummed, glancing back up at him with a lopsided, half-hearted smile. “Bad memories.”

“So you’re going to throw them out?” Chanyeol asked, mimicking your motion and cocking his head too, although his smile was more genuine. “What if I told you I’ll do you one better?”

You wrung the fishnets in your hands one last time, watching Chanyeol coaxing the coals in his fireplace until it was roaring alight. 

“And you’re sure this is okay?” You asked, watching the dancing flames grow larger with Chanyeol’s prodding.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?” He hummed, turning to glance at you with a grin. Wearing his boxers and some oversized sweater, hood tugged up around your damp hair, you had no clue why the image made him grin so much.

But you ignored it, because you liked his grin anyway.

“I don’t know, what if it smells like burnt plastic or something?” You hummed, grimacing even imagining that odour coating his apartment.

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.” He countered, straightening and flicking the hair out of his eyes. In a fresh pair of sweatpants and a worn, oversized band tee, somehow he looked like he was glowing softly. It suited him though. Maybe he was always glowing, and you just hadn’t noticed until now.

Stepping behind you to wrap his arms around your middle tightly, he hummed into your ear, your eyes trained on the flickering flames. “Ready?” 

Breathing in deep, you knew you were. You had been ready to get rid of these things for hours. “Yeah, I’m ready.”

“Toss ‘em.” Chanyeol mumbled against the material of the hood covering your jaw, like he was trying to feel you through it. You almost wished he could, wished you could feel him through it too.

So, grappling with the stockings in your hand, you gave a deep breath. In, out. Most of your breeding today had been to calm yourself down, to repress the twisting of your gut, to make what was happening to you fir into a little, bite sized box you would be able to handle on your own.

Now though, with Chanyeol’s arms around you, you were no longer alone. You had him, and he had you. This breath relit your flames, stoked the fury towards your enemy, made your jaw clinch at all the memories of today. This one built you back up, because with help, you knew you could do this. With Chanyeol, you could do this.

That’s all you needed.

Without another second to hesitate, you balled the pantyhose into a little ball, and threw it into the flickering flames, watching the sparks fly off the smouldering logs with the motion. The strings were quick to ignite, burning up, alive and thriving, much like you would be, too.

You hoped.

decietful masterlist

grand masterlist

talk to me!

[werevulvi]

I didn't have the best waking up last evening, after having been asleep all yesterday. Just a few minutes after I woke up my intrusive sexual thoughts of men hit me again, which led to me masturbating twice, feeling worse after the first time and even worse after the second time. It gets me so horny to think about how much it would hurt, mentally and physically; to be raped again, brutally. To be humiliated and used again. Thinking about that turns me on and I hate it. It's shallow, intense but superficial arousal that leaves me feeling empty right after. Sad, gross, humiliated and empty. Like my own mind is laughing at me how I struggle and fail.

I'm not making myself accessible to men anymore, and I think that in itself is making my brain stir up like this. That I no longer pursue men for sex. It makes me feel like my own mind is punishing me for acting upon self-care. Do I not want to get better? Perhaps a part of me is enjoying the suffering and pain, that old familiar sting, and has trouble letting go; doesn't want to let go. And that makes it even harder to figure out what to do about this mess. How did I stop all my self-harming methods? That might give me ideas even though this isn't exactly the same. It's similar in the sense it's kind of an unhealthy habit that I keep doing even though it makes me miserable. All of them I stopped doing around 2015-2016. With cutting the main thing that made me stop was how ashamed I felt about new cuts, that I felt a need to hide them and that I couldn't talk about it at all with anyone cause they'd just get worried about me, confuse it for suicide attempts and I hated that. The backlash/after-effects of it were no longer worth the relief. I wanted to do it less and less frequently, until eventually I didn't want to do it all, and quit it. With the drinking, what made me resume a healthy way of casual drinking was basically the same as with the cutting: the backlash/after-effects were no longer worth the relief. In this case it was the hangovers and the financial expense, and how dysfunctional it made me socially when I was constantly drunk daytime for normal every day stuff. With my eating disorder, I guess it was the same reason yet again: not worth it. It just made me feel even more powerless, if anything. It was my peak of powerlessness. When I had been yo-yoing around the same weight for around a year, not able to get past it and lose more weight, I kinda just had enough of it. I realised then how absolutely useless it was and that is wasn't worth it to wreck my mind for something so superficial, and gradually I changed my body ideal to a more healthy one. Eventually all of my symptoms of eating disorder went away. What else... oh yeah, my pill-popping. Meaning over-dosing on my prescribed medications in order to get some kind of rush, excess sleep and/or death. I think with that I mostly just quit it cause I had already quit the other methods and it simply wasn't appealing anymore. Although on extremely rare occasions I still do it, only for the rush reason. Like at least a year between occasions, and not with anything dangerous. So I don't count it as self-harm anymore.

So... I think that's all methods I can think of right now. There was probably more but that doesn't matter. It seems it was pretty much the same reason for why I quit all of those: that eventually the backlash or side-effects of the habits bothered me more than the relief/rush excited me or drew me towards it. Kinda like weighing pros and cons and eventually the cons outweighed the pros to such a degree I was put off by the habit enough to actually want to quit it. The thrill wasn't even alluring anymore when I looked at all those cons.

I guess I haven't yet reached that point with my intrusive fantasies. Not saying I in some kind of direct sense actually want them popping up or sticking around, but I think I at least indirectly "invite" them to come and stay. Like I reap their toxic seeds, knowing I'll suffer from it. It feels very similar to that "pain and reward" system like how it was with my old self-harm methods that I just described.

Meaning it kinda goes like this vicious cycle: 1.) random nasty fantasy pops up 2.) I get grossed out and scared 3.) I get turned on by it 4.) I try to resist cause it's still nasty but kinda know I can't 5.) I give into to it and masturbate 6.) I cum and get release but then feel like crap.

That I hold onto them because I get some kind of thrill out of it despite hating it, also reminds me of my past self-harming. And I think they keep coming back because I give into them, and cause I take that reward.

It does take some courage to even just say that in some sense I do want them around, that in some way I do enjoy feeling hurt and aroused by their presense. That there is some excitement attached to the process of being grossed out and scared by those brutal images in my mind, and allowing myself to be turned on by them and masturbating to that fear. It makes no sense that I wish to be raped again, and by men that I'm not even attracted to... but perhaps that makes it extra horrible which makes me want it even more.

I'm extremely repulsed by penis, even just imagining one in a non-sexual context make me shudder. It's like the last thing I wanna think about. Yet I do. Repeatedly. That's why I see there's an essence of self-harm in that thought- and masturbation process. It's alluring BECAUSE it grosses me out and scares me. Just like a blade to my skin did, or 200 pills with a bottle of vodka, not knowing if I'd wake up from it. Oh yeah, I'm traumatised alright. I stopped self-harming, actively, but I'm still self-destructive to my core. Perhaps I'm seeking my limit, what is my breaking point. My greatest fear has become my drug. Because I experienced it once, and it damaged me. For less damaged people I think this is comparable to getting a thrill out of watching horror movies. But do I really want it in reality? To get raped again. Hard question to answer, but I'll try. Yeah... I want it so badly I've even spent years seeking it out in real life. But whenever I've been sexually abused again after that, literally because I sought out to be, I freaked out and really did not like that. Some other times that happened I was really quite despondent and didn't have much of an emotional reaction at all, until months later, and then freaked out. So no, I don't think I really genuinely want that. What I want is closure, but my mind is acting like a broken record, not getting that you can't actually kill fire with fire. Or in my case, pain with pain.

But now that I've stopped seeking it out, because I don't want the harm anymore and I love myself too much to put myself through that again, if I can possibly avoid it... my mind has gotten rampant in forcing it upon me mentally instead. Perhaps those intrusive thoughts are like a withdrawal symptom from coming off a drug. But it's not a physical addiction, so just giving it time won't help.

It stems absolutely directly from my traumas. Because those intrusive fantasies are pretty much a bi-product of my many years of having tried to repeat the rape I went through as a teen, and is also connected to the sexual assault in my childhood that led me to become addicted to masturbation, and now having stopped that behaviour cold turkey... aggrevated something within me. Something that still wants to repeat the rape but cannot get the thrill of that dangerous game anymore. And it got so aggrevated that it's almost constantly throwing those nasty images and scenarios at me now, out of what feels like pure desperation.

I think in order to get rid of them, I must first completely, and actively not want them around anymore. Not even want the thrill they bring, I mean. Cause that's how I got rid of my former addictions and self-harm methods. I think I'm willing to wait and work towards that even if it means sickening myself with those intrusive thoughts deliberately until I've properly had enough of it. Cause it's so very effective to get rid of a habit once I literally no longer want the rush or relief from it anymore. Exhaust myself with it. Like that's how I can maintain drinking moderately after years of on and off alcoholism. Cause I'm still so put off by the idea of being constantly drunk and everything that comes with it that I can't even make myself do it.

So I mean... I don't want to stop masturbating completely either, so abstinence is not exactly an option with this, and should not have to be. But that means I can't really actively do much about it. Except I can try "indulging" in it to the point it's far, far, far beyond sickening to me. That could trigger a "no longer interested" response. Cause I have to get uninterested in the reward aspect of it, and that's the tricky part. Since the reward aspect is orgasm, that's tricky, but not impossible. Because I know I literally get different kinds of orgasms when it's from something I actually, genuinely enjoy. Like fantasies of healthy sex with a sexy woman. So because I already can differentiate the kind of orgasms that makes me feel bad from the kind that makes me feel good, I'm already well on my way to sort out this mess. Meaning I could come to a point where I no longer want that "bad-feeling" kind of orgasms, no matter how tempting, cause I can still get the "good-feeling" ones.

This was a good analysis. It taught me some new things about those intrusive thoughts and gave me ideas on what I could do about them: treat them like quitting a self-harm habit. Me being a lesbian doesn't really have anything to do with it, except it makes it relatively easier in the sense I don't actually have to ever figure out ways to have healthy sex with men, which I can't cause I don't have that attraction. And I think maybe quitting men entirely is easier than re-training my interactions with them would be, had I been straight. It seems my interactions with other women sexually is untouched by my traumas and has always been healthy and good. Perhaps that's both because I was never traumatised by another woman, and because I'm inexperienced, it has remained a clean slate.

I feel like that's extremely valuable, and ironically I probably actually have my internalised homophobia to thank for that. It kept me from ruining my genuine attraction with self-destructive sex, pretty much kept it safe from harm until I was ready to release and explore it in ways that are good for me. My self-hate which made me suppress my attraction to women... protected it from being harmed by my traumas?! Wow... just wow. I always believed something good will come out of everything that's generally bad, but... this is kind of amazing. And very relieving, comforting. Everything happens for a reason.

[raendown]

Hey, idk if you write for minato? But I really liked the deaf reader thing and was wondering if you could write the same thing but with minato?

I honestly don’t remember if that was a scenario or just headcanons. Hmm. Scenario it is!

-

As a shinobi whose name was well known throughout the five great nations, one would think that Namikaze Minato was a man of grace and poise, sharp as a tack and never taken by surprise. From seeing him at his inauguration and speaking during other village functions, you could tell that at least sometimes he managed to be those things - but it was obvious that he did not always. 

It was cute in a hopeless puppy kind of way, how he stumbled his feet every time his eye caught yours as he passed through the marketplace. He always came by every Thursday morning, purchasing fruit from the vendor whose stall sat next to yours, and it had taken a few months for you to notice the looks he always sent your way. To be honest, you were rather shocked when you realized why he was looking. You’d never thought of yourself as more than average looking, certainly nothing special enough to attract the attention of the fourth Hokage.

When you did realize what was going on, however, it quickly became your favorite game. Minato-sama showed up around the same time every Thursday, always reaching first for the red plums because they were the closest to where you sat behind your own stall, hands folded demurely in your lap. Sometimes you would let him look before peeping up at him and other times you would meet his gaze head on with your biggest smile. He never failed to blush a deep red and look away shyly, making you giggle behind your hand. 

As much fun as your little game was, you never truly expected anything to happen until one day Minato-sama changed things up by straightening his shoulders and approaching your little stall with what he obviously hoped were confident steps. He startled at the sound of you rapping your knuckles on the the underside of the counter to call your brother out from where he was hidden somewhere in the back. 

When your brother appeared, Minato-sama was still peeking at you a bit shyly, a hopeful smile on his face. 

He said something, bow shaped mouth opening and closing to form syllables which slurred together in your vision. Reading lips was only ever easy when someone enunciated their sounds properly - and even then it was so easy to mistake one sound for another. It really wasn’t as exact as many believed. 

You watched his attention divert a little to your left as your brother said something and the two of them traded words for a few moments. Then Minato-sama looked back at you with such sad eyes, such a disappointed face, that you had no doubt what their conversation had entailed. Obviously he’d just learned that you were born deaf. You wondered what he thought of that.

When Minato-sama left his eyes lingered on you while he walked away and even though you were saddened to see him give up so easily, it did cheer your mood a little to see him walk straight in to the corner of the baker’s stall. 

Time moved on and the days blended together until once again Thursday had come around. You were looking forward to this morning just a little less than you had in the previous weeks but refused to let it get you down. It would hardly be the first time a cute boy had given up before he had ever tried upon learning of your disability. 

It was a surprise, therefore, to see Minato-sama striding right past the fruit vendor and head straight towards you. He did not startle this time when you signaled for your brother that a customer had arrived but he also did not bother to glance over when your brother came out. Instead he raised both hands, hesitated for the briefest of moments, and then moved them through the air in clumsy signs that were so much easier for you to read than his lips. 

‘Hello,’ he signed. ‘My name is M-I-N-A-T-O.’

A wide smile split your mouth as he went through the letters of his name with an expression of such concentration that you wondered how long he had spent learning how to do them. When he finished you applauded lightly before signing back to him. 

‘Hello. My name is Y/N.’ 

You didn’t have to spell out your name, already having a sign for yourself. It was easy to see that he was out of his depth beyond that but the flush on his cheeks and the pride in his eyes spoke volumes. Really, you should have known. The fourth Hokage was hardly the type of man to run away from a challenge - he’d only left to ‘gather more intel’ as it were. 

Since he obviously had no idea how to say anything else, you allowed your brother to speak with him instead. They babbled back and forth only for a minute or so before Minato-sama turned towards you and reached out slowly, telegraphing his intentions as obviously as he could, to take your hand. You nearly swooned when he raised it to his lips for a gentle kiss. 

With a small bow and a devilishly sexy smile, he moved over to the fruit stall, purchased his plums, and left. 

Turning to your brother, you nearly fumbled your own signs as you eagerly asked what the two of them had talked about. Your brother echoed the retreating man’s smile as he answered you. 

‘Our Hokage says he has a friend who is teaching him sign language. He was sad that he did not know how to say anything to you before but he looks forward to speaking with you more soon.’

Grinning widely, you looked back down the crowded street that had swallow him up. Suddenly next Thursday was looking even more amazing than all the ones that had come before. You definitely couldn’t wait to speak with him more either.

[vskpop]

April 2018 ⋅ Diffuser

I would be lying if I said that there was anything relevant to me this month apart from Pentagon, Winner and EXID, even though the latter only released one new song.

Pentagon have been a very well-documented obsession since their terrible reality show. From their debut, I’ve been terrified that they would fall in the limbo that has been the destiny of many third generation groups, especially those who came out with a 10+ member ensemble after Seventeen had hit big.

I will be forever thankful that Pentagon are managing to carve a niche for themselves and building an identity that is not based on “looks like…” and “sounds like…”. While they don’t do massive numbers (YET), it fills me with joy to see their sales grow comeback after comeback.

In particular, I would have been personally offended if Shine, one of their best songs so far, hadn’t done well. Pentagon started their career with a fairly conventional post-BTS sound, but the more the members get the space to compose and produce, the more their songs become kind of weird, in the good way.

Shine isn’t especially original in itself, but the way it’s delivered, so expressive it’s comical, really sets it apart from anything else in that style (think Love Scenario and its clones). The chorus is the hookiest of hooks (with matching choreography), but it’s delivered in such a strange, shouty way that it loses a bit of its corniness and it’s just plain fun.

Since last summer’s Critical Beauty, Pentagon have been evolving their cheekily awkward image; what sets them apart is that they don’t seem afraid to look genuinely odd, rather than trying to be cute. It’s so captivating to see a group that instead of going for cuteness or badassness decides to put their all on being (handsome, mostly well groomed, shockingly talented) weirdos.

It’s hard to see Pentagon and Winner as part of the same “generation” of k-pop. Maybe because they’ve been through so much, or maybe because they are my very favourites, it feels like Winner have been around for a million years.

I’ve been feeling quite ambivalent about their post-Taehyun releases. I enjoy them, but I miss their more refined image and sound; this proved true for their latest comeback, Everyday, which I obviously listened to until it had drilled a hole through my brain, but I found – at least on paper – fairly disappointing.

I don’t know if it’s because “trap sounds” have been seeping into k-pop for years, or because I hate autotune more than disbandments, but I’m not sure I liked Everyday quite as much as I wanted to – or even as much as Really Really and Love Me Love Me.

Winner are my favourites, but I don’t care for the yolo swag turn that they seem to have taken.  Every time I see some dumb trousers I think of the sleek outfits of their debut. Every time I hear autotune I think of the crystal clear vocals of Baby Baby. It’s not that  I hate Everyday (or maybe I do and I can’t bring myself to say it?) but I know that it’s possible to see even better stuff from them.

Thankfully, the rest of the album is amazing. I have to agree with general consensus that the best song is Air: it’s completely in my wheelhouse, and “You’re my one and only diffuser” could be the verse of the year.

While I wanted to like Everyday and didn’t, I thought I was going to hate EXID’s Lady and I ended up singing it constantly for the whole month. I can say with almost 100% certainty that it was inspired to Bruno Mars’ Finesse and not to actual new jack swing, but I adored seeing EXID promote in ridiculous trousers and the ugliest jackets on Earth.

It’s sad to see them promote without Solji, but I love that in the past few comebacks they have been taking risks with their music and looks. I love that they have been able to show what great singers and performers they are without having to renounce the sexy concept that made them famous, but most of all without stopping being goofballs (see Mamamoo). They’re being dorks in 90s space buns, and at the same time ad-libbing for their lives. I love them.

The release that hurt the most this month, all in all, was Oh My Girl Banhana’s Banhana Allergy Monkey. My first thought is that they were going for an Orange Caramel level of weirdness, but scrubbed clean of all the sexy elements – a babyish, cute version. There’s the three-member structure, the fruit in the name, the ...eccentric concept. I know that many people loved it, but those airy, super-high-pitched vocals and, you know, everything about the concept and styling, made me want to cry.

It’s kind of appropriate that this offshoot of Oh My Girl went for an Orange Caramel-ly concept: I always thought that their kooky aesthetic had the potential to become truly shocking and flamboyant. It’s disappointing to see them go straight to aegyo when I know they have something more interesting to say and the skills to say it.

The biggest surprise of the month was VIXX – not so much because I didn’t know them, but because I finally get it. I don’t know if it’s because they’ve reached a part of their career that’s attuned to my taste, but after Shangri-La, their most recent comeback Scentist pushed me over the edge. I was too squeamish for their darker concepts, but now that they’ve focussed on a refined, seductive aesthetic I am all in.

I think Eau De VIXX (greatest title ever) might actually be one of their most boring, conventional albums from a musical standpoint, but I do think that a blend of more accessible music and the cryptic, what-the-fuck-is-happening aesthetic can only help make them more popular and, most of all, more interesting to me and my VIXX FOMO.

Lastly, I want to spend a few words on IN2IT’s Snapshot. It’s not a very seasonal song, but I can never ignore a song that bravely dips into deep house (and makes me think of Kazaky, for some reason).

I absolutely didn’t follow BOYS24 (the survival show that formed IN2IT), and I had no memory of IN2IT’s debut, which turned out to be yet another pseudo-tropical song. I don’t dare to look into the group members and their lore, but I’ve been listening to Snapshot constantly since it was released: it’s such a throwback genre visually and musically, but seeing how fast trends come and go in k-pop, it might well be time for a return of the SHINee Lucifer era. RISE, IN2IT.

[sheikah]

7.01 Thoughts

Watching the premiere last night was so much fun, you guys! I loved it and don’t have any complaints to make. So far it seems like 1. the leaks are probably real and 2. they did not do the season justice. I think this is going to be an epic story, maybe our best season yet! I have a lot to say so I’m putting it under the cut.

So from the outset I absolutely loved the opener with Arya and the Freys. It was really clever how there were small hints of it really being Arya in his overall demeanor and the way David Bradley approached the scene. And the “proper wine for proper lords” line reminded me of when Arya insisted to Tywin Lannister that her parents taught her to “talk proper.” 

The big reveal and her declaration that “The North remembers, and Winter came for House Frey” gave me instant chills and I LOVED it. It does worry me a tiny bit though, if I’m honest. At Con of Thrones I sat on a panel about the women in Westeros and when one of the speakers asked the audience if Arya is “too far gone,” almost everyone raised their hand in agreement. I was LIVID and scandalized and couldn’t have disagreed more. But we are starting to see a more ruthless side to her. 

Don’t get me wrong--revenge narratives are my absolute favorite thing in the world and I was CHEERING when those Freys died. And from what Arya said to them, they all played an actual role in the RW and aren’t innocent. But at the same time, when she came upon those Lannister soldiers she was looking at their weapons and seemingly planning a way to kill them at first. And that makes me sad. I want her to be in a place where she can trust again. She deserves it, and seeing her laugh with them was one of my favorite moments in the episode. 

Speaking of those Lannister soldiers, what an unexpected treat! Starting with BotB last year, I really feel like the show is doing a better job of reflecting the harsh realities of war, and one of those realities is that not everyone on the opposing side is evil. War is full of all kinds of people and the way it destroys so many lives, even those of good people, is part of what makes it so awful. 

Sure, Ed Sheeran’s derpy face out of nowhere was funny for a second, but this scene was moving (at least to me) and clearly it moved Arya, too, who we can assume was finding common ground with these men, especially the one who mentioned love between a father and daughter. As sweet and wholesome (who would have thought I’d be using those adjectives in a GoT recap?!) as this scene was, I do think it hints at a darker future for these men. We might see them dead on the battlefield against Dany’s army in the very near future, and I dread that.

We didn’t get much from Bran and Meera but I was glad to at least see them. I got a chuckle out of Edd asking for proof that Bran is truly a Stark, and instead of providing real proof he just says some cryptic and broody stuff about Winter and Edd is like, “Yep. Kin of Jon Snow for sure.”

Speaking of Jon, I loved the scenes in Winterfell. They were surprisingly tense but also offered moments of humor and warmth. The Jon and Sansa face-off was interesting because I can see both sides of the argument. 

But I found it odd that she brought up Robb, who took the opposite approach to Jon’s when it comes to handling Karstark treachery by beheading their lord. So by contrast I think Jon’s level-headedness is smart and fitting in this scenario. 

If there weren’t ice zombies marching South then perhaps the Starks could afford to hold their allies at arm’s length or hurt some feelings by punishing the Karstarks and Umbers. But as things stand they need a united North to face the WW and Jon made the right call. I feel like this was confirmed when Ned Umber was revealed to be a small child younger than Rickon. Rendering him homeless in the middle of Winter isn’t justice. 

I also really like that Jon is making it a point to have the women train for the war as well. Women need to be able to defend themselves just as much as men, and of course I loved how this moment gave Lyanna a chance to shine. It was my understanding that Mormont women already trained in fighting to some extent but I’m excited to see what Jon’s new policies mean for the future. And when Lyanna was setting Lord Glover straight, Brienne looked SO PROUD of that fiery little future warrior woman and I was LIVING. 

Anyway, overall I enjoyed getting a glimpse of Jon’s ruling strategy which so far seems really solid. And KING Jon is the sexiest thing that I have ever seen in my life. The maester calling Jon “Your Grace” almost killed me. Things are only going to get better from here :)

Also in Winterfell I loved seeing Sansa sass Littlefinger into silence, which I didn’t even know was possible. It was hilarious and savage and I love her spirit and snark so much. It’s good to see that even though D&D are trying to trick us into thinking that dark!Sansa or Stark Bowl is happening, the reality is that Sansa is not even remotely fooled by LF and is only arguing with Jon to voice her opinion--as she should. 

The Brienne and Tormund shippy moment was hilarious and a good way to break the tension of the previous scene. It was cute how Brienne was just training with Pod calmly and normally until Tormund arrived and then since she can’t handle feelings she just turned it up to eleven and basically beat the hell out of poor Pod hahaha. It seems some scenes with them were cut but I am excited to see where it goes from here, even though in my heart I ship Jaime x Brienne.

Speaking of Jaime his conversation with Cersei was deliciously awkward. I loved when she asked him if he was afraid of her and he responded, “Should I be?” That’s the question on all our minds, Jaime. Well actually I want to know if SHE should be afraid of YOU, Mr. Valonqar ;) 

This scene was very interesting to me as someone who is looking forward to the Jon/Dany pairing because Cersei emphasizing that she and Jaime are the last Lannisters who are poised to start a dynasty parallels how Jon and Dany, the last Targaryens, will soon be in a similar position. But while one pairing represents fear and oppression the other represents hope for a better and more progressive future for the realm. 

I also think that that conversation revealed how far Cersei has slipped in terms of her sanity. She called her son a traitor for killing himself. Not good. Not good at all. But at the same time this conversation also foreshadows Cersei’s potential pregnancy with another heir. If that plays out, it will be interesting to see how it effects her schemes and Jaime’s perception of her. 

Their meeting with Euron was much funnier and more interesting than I expected. First and foremost I just want to establish that I really enjoyed Euron’s sexy trash pirate outfit haha. He looked great. And the humor he brought to his villainy was reminiscent of Ramsay, who I will honestly miss on the show. So I’m glad to see that he will be as scene-stealing and maniacal as I’d hoped. Also, “two good hands” is the new pickup line for the ages lol. 

The scenes of the Brotherhood were surprisingly emotional and it absolutely wrecked me to see Sandor so visibly affected by the deaths of that farmer and his daughter. I also pitied him a lot when he was looking into the fire and seemed absolutely SHOOK at what he saw there. I think of The Hound as a simple man who DID NOT sign up for a zombie war. 

While there was a lot of humor in his relentless roasting of Thoros (lmao @ the “top knot” comment) the grave-digging scene showed us Sandor’s depth and continued redemption, and also hinted at a possible friendship between him and Thoros later on :)

Sam’s plot was the least interesting to me but I understand that we need to establish what his life is like at the Citadel and get some more low key scenes of him and Gilly researching to set up the big! reveals! they will give us later in the season. 

The poop montage was absolutely revolting but really well done and I liked how they contrasted the shit with the soup and showed how they sort of became one and the same to poor Sam. But as gross as that was, the most disturbing part for me was Jorah reaching through the bars. For them to only show his arm, he must be looking very bad right now so I hope they hurry up and show his cure soon. The fact that even in his current plight, he is still eager for news of Dany is honestly really touching as much as I don’t ship Jorah and Dany. 

Oh! and Jim Broadbent was perfect as the arch maester! I love him so much and got lots of Harry Potter feels from his voice + Sam sneaking into the restricted section of the library haha.

And of course, the last and most important plot line from this episode--Dany! I love her so very much and have waited so many years for Dany to be in Westeros. I had company over to watch the episode but still couldn’t hold back the tears when she arrived. Emilia’s face in this scene was just so intense and filled with longing and relief. I LOVE IT SO MUCH YOU GUYS OH MY GOOOODDD. 

Dany in Westeros really is a game-changing event and I can’t believe we’re this blessed. 

So Dragonstone itself looks beautiful and I’m glad we’re getting to see more of it than we did with Stannis. I also enjoyed the way they decided to play this scene with no dialogue. No witty quips from Tyrion or surly observations from Grey Worm, just letting the scenery and the actors’ body language carry the weight. 

My favorite moment was Dany walking up to the throne, the throne of Aegon I himself, something she’s been dreaming about for years, and WALKING RIGHT BY IT, instead focusing her attention on the sort of council chamber where she and her companions will work together as a TEAM. Because as much as people try to tear her down, at heart Dany is a team player who is growing and changing and I am so excited to see where her story goes from here. 

Lastly, as a Jonerys shipper, I think this bolder, more assertive Jon is someone who Dany will be instantly intrigued by. I also think that the peek at the next episode and the line delivered to Jon about not trusting Targaryens is going to set up an interesting dynamic for their relationship. Because Jon isn’t going to listen to that person and automatically distrust Dany based on her Targaryen heritage. His actions this episode should be final proof that he isn’t going to judge someone for the sins of their father. 

But I do think that both of them having such strong ideals and ideas of how to approach repairing the realm at this moment in the narrative, when Dany probably hasn’t even heard of WW, is going to cause some friction. They will challenge one another at first. But as the season progresses I think they’re going to find like-minded allies in each other and it’s going to be a beautiful partnership to watch :’) Overall I loved this episode so, so much and can’t wait for next week, and of course episode three. A Jonerys meeting!

If you’ve read this far, thanks for caring about my thoughts haha. What did you think about this episode and what do you hope to see moving forward?

[invincible-selfxmade-punk]

MY BIG, FAT POSI POST

LONG POST WITH NO CUT AHEAD

Good morning Tumblr

I hope you don't mind my doing a bit of experiment  on here. I am getting ready for a huge job interview on Monday and my therapist wanted me to do an exercise, remembering the last time I felt confident, recalling everything from that experience and sort of reliving it in my mind to give myself a blueprint to work off, to plan how I wanted myself to feel on that day.

 My problem is that I have not felt that confident very often. It is a very hard thing for me and it's not that I spend a lot of time feeling negative or putting myself down, but sometimes when you exist in the moment all you are thinking about is that moment.   “I have to get certain things done, I have to deal with what is in front of me right now,” and you're not thinking so much about your confidence level or how you look.

  I wanted to talk about two different instances, mainly because I don't believe confidence has anything to do with your weight . I have been a different weights my entire life in fact I am almost positive there is something wrong with my thyroid even though the doctors have not found anything up until recently wrong, because my weight has gone up and down my entire life.  As a child I was scrawny, and always in the hospital b/c of not wanting to eat and passing out all the time b/c of my blood sugar.  After puberty I was made to believe I was very chubby, when looking back I was not at all.  But b/c my family told me I was, I believed them.   I was actually a size 9/10 but they treated me like I was morbidly obese.  In my later twenties I joined a gym for the first time, realized that when no one was barking at me and forcing me to do things like in PE class, I actually loved to exercise.  I became straightedge (stopped drinking, never did drugs or smoked anyway), stopped eating meat for six months and within two years of hard work I went from a size 13 to a size 5.

  In my first scenario. I am going to see the band AFI for the first time.  My husband had refused to go with me on the trip from Corpus Christi to Austin and we have such a bad fight that I pretty much flee in fear of my life having to wiggle away from him and run because he had  grabbed me, telling me he was going to break my arm.  

At the time I had long black hair,  ,straight with bangs that mimicked Bettie Page, dyed purple on the tips.  I was wearing a black and purple plaid mini skirt (in the schoolgirl style that. was very popular at Hot Topic that year), a black and purple AFI shirt, matching the black and purple polka dot bra and panties.    I had underneath, a purple fishnet shirt underneath the AFI shirt and I honestly cannot remember the shoes.  But I did have a bow in my hair where I had written my JADE XCORE membership #.  Looking back I don’t know why I did this.

  I stopped to go to the restroom somewhere  on the outskirts of and the  Middle Eastern attendant told me I was beautiful as I walked it out.   I’m not sure if he said it because he recognized I was Lebanese or not.  That was very strange to me.        That had never happened .  My husband never told me I was beautiful, neither had either of my parents.   

As it would turn out I was supposed to go to the show with my niece, who has been my best friend my entire life and was my best friend right up until she committed suicide, but my niece could not find a babysitter that. So she got a hold of this guy that was my college crush I had been crazy for him for about three and a half or four years and by the time he came around and wanted anything to do with me I was already engaged to be married and nothing happened between us.

 We met and went out to dinner.  He was much heavier than he was in college but he was still gorgeous, tall, tattooed, now had dreads down to his ass and when I looked in his eyes I felt the exact same way I always had.  It was time to go and he drove us we got to the venue and he rubbed his arm around my waist and I looked up into his eyes and it was the last like no time had passed it was like we were both still back in college and I was just as in love with him in that moment as I had ever been in my life.  We started to walk across the street to the venue.  It had been raining, the pavement was wet.  I was walking very purposefully, my shoulders back, my head held high, finally going on the dream date with my high school crush.  His arm was around my waist, his hand on my hip with  not too much pressure but enough to show ownership and I was so happy and so proud to be walking in with this man who obviously adored me as much as I adored him. We walked in, and I swear to you everyone turned and looked at us.  Very few times in my life have I ever had anything like that happen.

 I felt like a princess walking into a fantasy ball. He led me right up into the front row.  I thought we were late because I saw a guitarist wearing a pink tie all the way from the entrance of the club and I thought that was a jade it turned out to be the guitarist of Hot Water Music who had decided to dress like him for whatever reason we hurried up into the front room where we stayed the entire night he kept his arms around my waist kept himself position right behind me and held onto me tight.

 My first time ever seen AFI that year 2003 for the death of Sorrows tour was a religious experience plain and simple and I have gone through it many other times and many other places and I can probably publish another post about that night separately taking excerpts from a book I wrote but that night I felt wonderful I felt it mainly in my hips because that was where his arms were and I feel safe I feel protected and I felt like a living goddess.

  The next time I want to talk about was a year ago. I was many years older and now a size 16. I had just started teaching and had met a teacher at the high school to was just  as crazy and punk rock as I was and she invited me to come over for a gathering at her house.

It was Labor Day weekend and it was hot, but not that hot at least not after the sun went down.   I was able to dress however I wanted,  which included this top, I could probably never get away with wearing anywhere else, that was skin-tight showed off my boobs and laced all the way up the front I wore that with cut off shorts that were extremely short,  blue lipstick dark makeup and combat boots. However before I went to her house, because I don't drink, I had to stop at a convenience store for some sweet tea (because that's just what we drink out here if you're not drinking alcohol).

So in my trashiest  get up I walk into this convenience store that is full of oil field workers and once again the same reaction:  conversation stops everyone stops what they're doing and they look at me.  Now it is very possible that they stop everything and looked at me because they thought I was a hooker but you know what? I don't care! I was glad for the attention!

 I felt it in the soles of my combat boots walking across the asphalt parking lot of that convenience store parking lot, strutting like the queen I am.

I got to my friends house  as the sun was going down.  All the stars were coming out.  It was only a few miles from where I lived off the highway pretty much in the middle of nowhere, far enough away from town that it was completely silent and you could see every constellation..  As luck would have it,  I was sitting there under the stars in my lawn chair holding my phone when someone, I happened to like very much on Tumblr, popped up on messenger  and wanted to mess around.’

 This person shall remain nameless.  

He knows who he is and so do I and I don’t kiss and tell. The sad thing is that he has dropped out of sight. I haven't talked to him in about four months and it's very possible that I will never talk to him again, and if that happens that's fine too.   I am happy for what we had when we had it.  At that point though, things were hot and heavy between us and I was very happy to see him online.

 I do want to point out that  he is the only man I have been attracted to in longer than I want to say and he is the only man I have had online relations with.  I would go so far as to say he is the only man I am not afraid of.   I have had online relations with many girls but none of them recently.   He is the exception to every rule in my rule book .

 So I sat under the stars and we had absolutely delicious online sex, that no one else is a party were aware of,  and I felt sexy and  amazing in  every part of my body and accepted and confident and  loved.  I swear to you even though I was the only sober one at the party I was just as drunk on lust as the other party goers were on their drugs of choice.  I would tilt my head back and stare at the stars that seemed to be crashing down around me then snap it back up to pay attention to the sexting on my phone and be overcome with dizziness and shivers as the universe seemed to spin around me as fast as the blood in my veins.  Once again I felt like a goddess and he was my Russian prince. 

 So those are the emotions I want to take with me into this interview.  Maybe not so much the sex part because I don't want to be wanting to climb all over my interviewer,  but if I can take the rest of it that would be wonderful