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umbry-fic · 1 year

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Hiraeth

Summary:

Hiraeth: a nostalgic longing for a place which can never be revisited

When she dreams, it is of a home that never was.

Fandom: Tales of Symphonia Characters: Colette Brunel, Lloyd Irving Relationships: Colette Brunel/Lloyd Irving Rating: G Word Count: 7702 Mirror Link: AO3 Original Post Date: 14/06/2023

Notes+Warnings: Written for Day 6 of Colloyd Week, Quote Day! The quote was "What would I wish for now if I saw a falling star cross the night sky?" This fic is heavily inspired by a few Harumaki Gohan songs. The narrative here is non-linear. Also mind the sad ending.

The special formatting done on AO3 doesn't carry over to Tumblr, but nothing else should be affected.

~~~

Gentle humming permeated the air, washing across her soothingly, much like the water of the lake by Iselia that she liked to dip her toes into whenever thoughts were circling in her head that she wished to forget. It was a tune she was certain she had never heard before, yet was painfully familiar, evoking warm memories - of sun-kissed skin, her hand held in the tight grip of another who would trace circles on the back of her hand and effortlessly make laughter bubble up her throat.

"I must be dreaming," Colette whispered as she struggled to pull her eyes open, unshed tears sticking to the back of her eyelids. The heavy press of grief stamped down upon her chest, leaving her limbs weighed down and a chill seeping into her bones.

Wooden walls were what met her blurry gaze, a few splinters jutting out at uneven intervals. The curtains over the window by the bed were drawn, sunlight filtering in to illuminate dust motes that drifted through the air, birdsong leaking in to act as the music they danced to. There was the faint scent of mildew that originated from the endless rain that had lasted all of last week, mixed with the heavy scent of dirt coming from the garden right outside, where vines twined up wooden stakes driven into the ground.

She knew where everything would be, and everything that was, tears threatening to spring forth from the familiarity of it all as she slowly pulled herself into a sitting position, hugging her knees close to her chest as she gazed out at the village beyond the window.

For this was her room, back in Iselia. She'd know it anywhere.

But she could distinctly remember settling down in her sleeping bag, staring forlornly up at the night sky as the outline of rocks dug into the skin of her back, the taciturn mercenary that her grandmother had hired taking silent watch, still as a statue, becoming nothing more than a silhouette against the flickering flames of the campfire.

She had left Iselia behind just yesterday, knowing full well that she would never return. It mattered not whether she succeeded in the sacred mission entrusted to her, that she was reminded of every day by the whispers that surrounded her, the awed and fearful stares of strangers whenever they came to the village, and the weighted words uttered by the Priests as their hands clamped down on her shoulder. She would never again go to the morning market at the break of dawn to watch the villagers set up their stalls and arrange their wares, never again trail her fingers across the bannister in her grandmother's porch, watching fruits ripen on the boughs of trees in spring, never again sit at Professor Raine’s dining table, being lectured by a fuming Genis over homework.

Strange, for her to be dreaming. She never did.

"I suppose you are." The humming came to a stop, a voice drawing her gaze away from the window. The rest of her room was preserved as it had been when she had said goodbye - a textbook left open on the desk, still filled to the brim with scribbles, an amateurish wooden dog carving peering down at it from where it peeked out from the shelf. A closed storybook acted to prop the carving up, a pressed chrysanthemum acting as its bookmark. Her collection of knick-knacks that were well and truly hers, never failing to bring a smile to her face whenever she cradled them close, even if their origins had been lost to the ever-flowing river of time.

Everything was the same - apart, that is, from the plain hourglass on the nightstand, the grains of sand within succumbing to gravity's pull. Inexorably falling, one by one.

That, and the boy dressed all in red, leaning against the foot of her bed. She couldn’t help but stare, curiosity unfurling in her heart like a newly-bloomed flower, at the second occupant of this strange dream that shouldn’t have existed, to begin with.

He turned to face her, releasing the string his fingers had been playing with, the red, uneven stone threaded upon it falling upon his chest. The colours on its surface seemed to shift every time she blinked, pulsing to some unknown rhythm, glowing from within with a force that couldn't be quenched.

Russet eyes met hers, warm and deep enough for her to fall into for all of eternity, stealing all the breath from her lungs as her heart clenched painfully in her chest.

The corner of his mouth crooked up into a smile as he offered a hand, beseeching her to take it. "So, what would you like to do, Colette?"

💫 💫 💫

"What's wrong, Colette?" Her father worriedly asked, patting the top of her head comfortingly.

"I'm sorry," she blubbered through the tears, desperately trying to stem the flow. When she had learned the truth of the fate that awaited her, on a dreary winter day two years back, she had vowed to herself she wouldn’t cry in front of anyone again, whether it be family like Father or a friend like Genis. The Chosen was supposed to be brave, was meant to carry the weight of the world with grace and beauty.

She wanted to spare her father from as much grief as possible. Especially now that she understood why he sometimes looked at her like she was already gone, when he thought she wasn’t looking.

Getting to cry in her father’s embrace… That was no longer a privilege she was afforded. It was something meant for normal children, who held the hope of growing up in a better world with joyous smiles on their faces. It was not meant for her, who held the responsibility of creating that world, who must, in the end, forsake the dreams and wishes of childhood, as all adults did.

"Did you have a nightmare?"

"No," she sniffled. "I… It's…"

It was so hard to explain, with only the little snatches of her dream that she had captured in her tiny palms. If she were to slightly loosen her grip, they would surely flutter away like escaping birds, taking her heart with them.

"It, it was a good dream, I think. So I don't get why…" Why she had awoken with this pain in her chest that wouldn’t go away, no matter how much she willed it all to be buried, curled into a pitiful ball with tears staining her cheeks. A pain so terrible that she’d broken the promise she’d made to herself, darting into her father’s room to feel some semblance of comfort. It felt like there was an aching hole in her heart, waiting for something to fill it that would never materialise.

Her father lapsed into silence, that dreaded expression surfacing on his face, making her burrow deeper into his shirt, her grip crinkling the fabric.

I'm sorry. I didn't want to make you sad again.

"Maybe you just didn't want it to end, if it was something that made you happy. But I'm sure you'll see it again. You just have to wait."

She nodded, slipping out of her father’s arms to silently pad to the corner of the room, grabbing a tissue to blow the snot from her nose. Even if it was the middle of the night, and the only one here to witness anything was her father and the moon that hung high in the sky, it wouldn’t do to make a mess of herself.

For all that had happened tonight, she’d likely have to double her prayers tomorrow. To pray for forgiveness for the grievous lapse of judgement she’d had…

“You… can sleep here for the rest of the night if you’d like, Colette.”

All thoughts of prayers vanished from her mind, her mouth falling open as she gaped. But the surprise lasted for only a moment, overwhelming happiness overtaking it as she practically leapt back onto the bed, the wooden charm around her neck jumping with the motion as she gave her father the biggest hug ever.

Later that night, as she closed her eyes and prepared to drift back to sleep, her father’s words floated to the forefront of her mind.

If they were true, then she’d just have to wait patiently.

And wish to one day see that dream again…

💫 💫 💫

"What is this place?"

The question slipped from her lips once more, as she settled down by the peaceful lake, glancing at her reflection in the water, the fireflies that drifted around her head forming a shimmering, golden halo.

She’d asked the same question when she’d stepped into a schoolhouse that was both familiar and not, night having already fallen despite the sun still being visible just moments before - the gentle blues of the day had rapidly melted away to the burned orange of evening, before finally giving way to pitch darkness. Led to the lonely table in the far corner of the classroom that had been abandoned for as long as she could remember, lines forming a tic-tac-toe board painstakingly etched into the wood. Every day, after gathering up her stationery and preparing to go home, she would pass by it and trace the phantom shapes of the letter X against a square, waiting for a reply that would never arrive. Finally, in this wavering dream, she’d had a companion to play against - who had evaded her question by handily winning the game with a teasing lilt to his voice, prompting a pout from her that had dissolved into carefree giggles. Sitting together in a midnight wonderland, meant for children who had stayed out far past curfew to discover the answers to the mysteries of the universe, hidden behind the final page of the books slotted into the shelves, to be revealed with just a turn.

Still, she asked it again, remembering all the days she had come here to this very lake to escape, following a trail of invisible footsteps. Always glancing back, a lonely note singing in her heart, expecting to see someone, only for there to be nothing -

But he was here, now, a hand outstretched to press a stone into her hand, smooth to the touch.

“I’ve said it before, haven’t I? Nothing more than a dream.”

Could it really be just that? But there was no other possible explanation, for this place that was both Iselia and not to exist, flooding her with awe with each beautiful sight. Where time passed strangely and nature itself seemed to be alive, the flowers lining the paths raising on their stems to get closer and cheerily wave hello.

But for what reason would this dream show her all this? Pieces of her heart, shards of her memory, brought to life with a strange magic, so unlike the spells that Raine and Genis wielded, mana contorting the air around them.

“No need to worry about it,” he whispered into her ear, soft breath tickling her neck as his fingers wrapped around her wrist to guide her. She let him, a current of warmth rushing down her arm as they skipped the stone together, watching it hop down the river until it disappeared.

Her guide - he hadn’t even given her a name, and she suspected that he wasn’t giving her straight answers either.

Yet she did not pull away when he took her hand, their fingers slotting into place perfectly, as though they had been meant to fit together. Without thinking, her thumb moved to map out the calluses on his skin, instinctively knowing the location of each.

Inexplicably, she trusted him, a fuzzy blanket wrapping itself around her heart when she clung to him.

It felt like… coming home, after a long, arduous trip.

A home she didn’t ever want to leave.

Alas, deep in her heart, she knew - even as she laughed when he stepped straight into the lake, tugging her with him, the water shockingly cold against her ankles and stray droplets clinging to his eyelashes as she blinked at him - that all dreams came to an end.

And so, too, would this happiness.

But until then, she would cradle this sphere of joy close, and cherish it for as long as it remained.

💫 💫 💫

“-lette!”

She gasped awake to a hand vigorously shaking her shoulder, Raine's worried face looming over her.

"It's time to get up, then?" she murmured, stretching and reaching up to rub the sleep from her eyes - only to find her hands wet and her cheeks cold from tears. Her hands slipped down to trace the familiar shape of the charm resting against her chest, the roughness of the imperfectly carved wood helping to ground her in reality. A routine she had developed over the years, always reliable.

"Are you alright, Colette?" Raine’s brow was furrowed, lips turned down in a frown, fingers curled so tightly around her staff that they were beginning to turn white. Colette averted her gaze, unwilling to watch the guilt coalescing on her teacher’s face. It was careless to let Raine catch her when she was in this state, but there was nothing she could do at this point but lament her failures.

"I'm fine. Really, Professor Raine." She mustered up her best smile, hoping its practised sparkle would be enough to obscure all else, forcefully unclenching her hands and lacing her fingers together.

"It's just… it's been a while since you've woken up like this."

When was the last time she’d woken up with tears streaming down her face? Maybe when she was 12? The memories were foggy, and all she could clearly recall was Genis panicking and running to fetch Raine the few times it had occurred when she’d been sleeping over at Raine and Genis’ place.

“It wasn’t a nightmare, Professor Raine. Don’t worry.” They were words meant to reassure her teacher, but she knew them to be true, deep in her heart, just as the scriptures penned based on the Goddess’ teachings were the sacred truth. There was no impression left behind by whatever dream she’d had - only the hollow shell of sadness with a faint inkling of joy, yet she believed all the same.

“I… Alright. I'll give you some time to collect yourself, then," Raine whispered, patting her on the shoulder, looking thoroughly unconvinced as she left. Behind her, Genis kept sending her furtive glances, teeth worrying at his lip as he stood next to Kratos, who was calmly putting out the last remnants of the campfire.

She didn’t understand it herself; why she didn’t have nightmares. Perhaps the nights they were meant to pierce her vulnerable heart, were those on which she couldn’t find the solace of sleep. If that was the case, then perhaps she should count her blessings.

Shaking her head to clear it of errant thoughts, she stood, brushing down her clothes and beginning to pack up. They had to get moving, to continue the Journey of Regeneration. It had to be completed, no matter the cost.

For everyone’s sake…

💫 💫 💫

With each rub of her shoulders, she melted a little more, murmuring nonsense as she sunk further into his lap, her hair an ocean that overflowed to the grass of the hill they were situated on. She must resemble a cat by now, much like the tabby ones that curled up on her classmate’s legs, enjoying the warmth of the sun on its back as a hand scratched its belly.

She hummed in appreciation as his hands found their way to her hair, combing through golden curls, straightening out knots and easing the tension in her spine that had built up over just a day of travelling. The gentle drag of his fingers against her scalp was rapidly stealing her ability to think, leaving her drowsy and content.

Here, she was nobody. She was not the face of the Church, she was not the chosen saviour of Sylvarant, she was not the embodiment of hope itself. She was just Colette. All the secrets she kept meant nothing here, within the safe confines of a dream. The loss of that weight was a relief she’d never known, and it made her feel as if she could fly away, leaving behind naught but feathers.

“You can tell me anything you want,” he whispered, hands shifting to press firmly on her back, kneading just the right spots to make the last of the ache slip from her soul. “Nobody else will hear.”

The offer was tempting. And she had never felt safer, his hands always in reach to catch her if she were to stumble. Ready to protect her, perhaps even to hold her close.

It didn’t take long before a deluge of words spilt from her, the dozens of walls she had erected crumbling to pieces. All the words that burned her throat and bristled beneath her tongue whenever a stranger whose face she didn’t know walked up to her and thanked her for the salvation that awaited them all, delivered by her hands. Her fear of failure - of being unworthy of the Goddess’ blessing and unable to perform her sacred duty. The wings that had seared themselves onto her back, praised as pretty by those around her and yet acting as nothing but a reminder of what she had been raised to become - an angel, meant to be above others, and as such, not human at all.

Her companion said nothing, only using the pad of his thumb to wipe away the tears budding at the corners of her eyes, screwed shut. Even now, when she knew there was nothing to be afraid of, a nugget of irrational fear remained. There was still some part of her that expected disappointment on his face - the hope of a dying world, vanquished in an instant. Just another person she had betrayed and let down.

She couldn’t keep her eyes closed forever, though. Bracing herself for the inevitable, she opened her eyes -

Fingertips brushed away the golden strands that fell into her eyes, lingering on her forehead as russet eyes ablaze with kindness gazed down upon her. There was no divine judgement, for he was not the Goddess, nor the angels that were said to speak on her behalf. There was only a quiet acceptance.

It was too much to have any one person look at her that way. Look at her, and see not the facade she had spent years crafting to perfection, but peer through the cracks to the scared child, unable to bear the full weight she’d been handed but forced to endure it all the same.

This was her dream, though, wasn’t it? So really, this was all just a scenario of her making, the reassurance she’d always desired to receive but that remained tantalisingly out of reach. What her family desperately wished to provide but couldn’t, holding themselves back from the cruel edge of showing her love, knowing that she would one day be ripped from their grasp, never to return. The depths of which could not be provided by Genis, who cared for her but had never known the truth.

If she thought about it too long, she might come to label it as pathetic. Yet, it was strange. She was fairly certain that, even within her own mind, she wasn’t capable of seeing herself this way. The many nights she’d curled into a ball and sobbed, trying to forgive herself for thoughts of abandoning her duty, born of fear, was proof enough of that.

But… Here, with a hand rubbing soothing circles into her back, she could believe anything.

Even the idea that she might deserve forgiveness, or even salvation.

“Sweet dreams, Colette.” His voice was like honey, coaxing her ever further into dreamland.

“Can I even dream… within a dream…?” she mumbled, sleep rapidly overtaking her as she turned her face into the safe warmth of his stomach, breaking his gaze.

His chuckle rumbled through her as her eyes slid shut, slipping into a sea of darkness where she knew nothing could ever harm her. As she drifted away, a voice whispered past her ear, dripping with sorrow. Yet she was unable to make out the words, slipping between her weakly grasping fingers.

“I’m sorry, that I couldn’t keep my promise…”

💫 💫 💫

“Whoa!” Colette gasped, arms pinwheeling in the air as she went flailing forward. Thinking quickly, he jumped forward to cushion her fall, landing flat on the muddy hillside. That had certainly earned him a stain all down the front of his shirt - not that he truly minded. It was no worse than when he came home from exploring the forest with Noishe by his side, clothes torn from being caught on tree branches, knees and palms skinned from clambering up rocks. He’d get nothing worse than a chiding from Dad.

The more important thing was that he’d prevented Colette from coming into contact with the ground. The two of them were in for a world of trouble if anyone found out they’d sneaked out after curfew. Their drenched clothes from the surprise spring shower would dry off before tomorrow morning, as would their footprints and the droplets of water they were sure to leave everywhere, but muddy stains would be far harder to explain away.

“Sorry”, she squeaked as she pulled herself back to her feet, extricating herself from the mess of tangled limbs they had become.

“Don’t worry about it!” He grinned, grabbing her hand to continue making their way up the hill. He paid close attention to the ground, making sure to warn Colette of any potential tripping hazards, whether it be pebbles or potholes. “It’s really dark, so it’s not like I can blame you!”

“Made it,” she sighed in relief, squeezing his hand as they crested the hill together, everything around them painted in darkness with messy brushstrokes, broken by the occasional slivers of silver, courtesy of the shy moon hanging above the trees. They gazed upon the night sky, her pulse thrumming beneath his fingers, each strand of her golden hair sticking to her overcoat and her arms. Waiting, patiently, for once in his life, grateful that the sky was clear of clouds tonight.

The upcoming event was one that he couldn’t miss, that he had to ensure Colette saw for herself. He’d known about it for weeks, and they’d been planning this little escapade all along, down to the tiniest details. Which window to leave from, which path would make the least noise, the best route to take through the forest... He was rarely this meticulous, but he’d been willing to put in the effort this time. All for Colette’s sake. Anything would be worth it, to show her one of the most vibrant memories from a time that he could no longer remember, the vivid images having been seared into his mind despite all else becoming shadowy figures.

They didn’t have to wait much longer.

“There! There’s the first one!” he exclaimed, pointing towards the sky and bouncing on the balls of his feet, tugging Colette along in his excitement.

Shooting across the sky above them in a perfect arc was a small blue dot, a trail of light burning furiously behind it. It snatched Colette’s attention, her eyes wide, reflecting the shine of the lone shooting star.

She made no attempt at words, only staring, transfixed, at the night sky that had suddenly come alive. A rain of stars followed after, each of different sizes and different colours, racing from one end of the sky to the other, scattering a never-ending kaleidoscope of magical light upon the mundane world below. Perhaps they would continue on to the edge of the universe, ferrying the aspirations of every person in this world.

In truth, he stared not at the shooting stars that he had brought her here to see, enraptured by another sight altogether. The light of the stars gave the water droplets clinging to her hair a lustrous shine, as if her golden hair was adorned with pearls, strung together to form a crown fit for a queen. It stole his breath away for reasons he couldn’t understand, his heart pounding in his chest.

Secretly, he was a little glad it was the middle of the night. At a time like this, she wouldn’t be able to make out the heat that rushed to the tips of his ears and suffused his cheeks. And the deep, endless indigo of the night had always made her eyes so much more blue, piercing through his very soul.

“You should make a wish, Colette. If you make one upon a shooting star, it’s sure to come true!”

Someone had told him that, a very long time ago. He could no longer remember who, nor why, but he could still remember the words, and the warmth imbued within. Perhaps it could disperse the cloud of melancholy that had been steadily gathering around her ever since her 8th birthday, two months ago.

“I wish…” Her voice held nothing but defeat, her hand slipping from his. “I wish we could be together forever. But… That’ll never be possible.” It was like a switch had been flipped - in an instant, the awe on her face had crumbled, replaced with a small, sad smile that he wanted nothing more than to wipe off her face.

“Why not?” he argued, fists clenched. To be together forever - he could imagine no other future, for any other outcome was not one that he desired.

“One day, the both of us… We’ll grow up and become adults. And then we can’t be together anymore.”

He couldn’t understand it, the desperate words that fell from her lips like poisoned butterflies, writhing and dying in the space between them. Sure, some adults were stuffy and annoying, always scolding Colette for being too clumsy, and for not paying enough attention to her studies despite how hard she worked… But just because they would one day grow up and become adults didn’t mean they had to let go of each other! Would it not be as simple as staying together, regardless of what the future would bring?

There was something else, hidden behind the shadow of her smile and the unshed tears in her eyes. Maybe Colette, who had always seemed to understand so much more about the secrets adults whispered to each other under their breath, was aware of some ironclad rule that was imposed upon adults that he didn’t know about.

If there was such a rule in place, then it was stupid, and he would break it. No matter if his nails would bleed from the metal digging into his skin, or the bruises that would litter his body from throwing himself headfirst at it.

“Then I’ll always stay by your side!” He grabbed her hands once more, gripping hers tightly, hoping beyond hope that the unbending will behind his words would reach her. Not that he knew anything of will or even of love, young as he had been. He had only been dreaming - an innocent, impossible dream. “I promise!”

A long moment of silence passed, not a word being uttered as he waited with bated breath. Until she nodded, shattering the moment as he pulled her into a hug, the last of the shooting stars passing them by. Falling out of sight of the world once more, until the time came for them to return, burning with hopes and wishes and promises.

The power to protect the smile she was showing him now, fragile but true, the strength to keep his promise…

That would be his wish.

💫 💫 💫

Faint sensations prickled across her skin as awareness gradually returned to her. Her head, pillowed against something solid. Her fingers, brushing against strands of grass, wet with dew. Her ears, catching a surprised gasp that reached deep into her heart, rattling a long-rusted lock, minuscule cracks spreading down its surface like spiderwebs.

Sitting upright, she blinked owlishly at the sky, the afterimages of her peculiar dream dissolving into starlight that rose to form the tiny, sparkling diamonds that dotted the black canvas.

He faced it as well - stars, once again making the voyage from one end of the night to the other, burning a line of glowing hope. Contained within their bright depths were the dreams and wishes of thousands, perhaps even millions, accumulated over centuries. They reflected in his eyes, shimmering, as the wind picked up, sending petals rushing between them, caught between her trembling fingers.

She had seen this before, hadn’t she? A shower of stars… A sight out of a fairytale, a sight within an always-shifting dream, a sight on a summer night, with someone’s hand in hers…

“Hey,” she whispered, releasing her handful of petals, letting them spiral into the sky, forever lost to her as she took his hand in hers. Not wanting to speak too loudly, lest the stars hear and decide that they were too shy to show their faces anymore. In a world such as this one, such a fact wouldn’t surprise her. “Do you want to make a wish?”

Someone had told her, long ago, that they would come true - so long as one held the strength to believe, even dreams could become reality. She no longer held that strength, but even then, she wanted this to be her thanks, for all that he had done. Even if, from the very beginning, none of this had mattered… She would like it to mean something. Let her gratitude be what bound this dream to reality, and engraved its memory upon her heart.

His laughter was soft, tinged with a sorrow that bid the ache return to her heart. And when he turned to face her with a sad little smile, regret painted on every inch of his face, the lock shattered, its remnants scattering with the wind.

“If that’s the case… Then I wish you were free to be happy, Colette.”

When next she blinked, she found herself in a quaint house. A fireplace in which a cheerful fire danced; various tools hung on the walls; potted plants lining the walls. There was nothing to be seen outside the windows, covered in midnight black. Yet her mind told her that right outside was a stable for a creature far bigger than a normal dog, with green patches dotting his white fur, large paws padding across the dirt.

She knew this house inside out, despite having never stepped foot within it. She knew where the hidden stash of cookies was, where the fairytales were on the bookshelf, and where each creaky board was located.

How many lazy afternoons had she spent here, doing homework or reviewing scriptures, hoping that the sun would stay frozen in its position, that time would never pass, that she could stay here forever?

Thrown off balance as a flood of thoughts overwhelmed her, threatening to push her under, she braced herself on the dining table, almost gasping for breath as she swallowed down bile.

He sighed, running a hand through tousled brown hair in the same manner she had, once, by the riverside, laughing that it was soft as Noishe's as strands of chocolate brown had fallen through her fingers. He'd grinned at her, flushed red from the sun, protesting lightly before breaking out into a cough.

Some part of her protested that this wasn’t possible. But…

Trembling fingers fell to the charm hanging around her neck, a constant part of her that had always been there.

He had given it to her, apologizing that he wasn't able to finish it, another series of coughs racking his small body, his hand coming away red. She had run her fingers over it, all the curves and edges, and declared tearfully that it was perfect, imperfections and all. Promising that she’d keep it on her, forever and ever.

She could remember desperately praying to the Goddess, hoping that her prayers would not fall on deaf ears. Vowing that she’d be the perfect Chosen, if the Goddess, in her endless kindness, would save the one who meant everything to her. Tracing the shape of his smile, somehow still bright despite the pain lining his eyes and the rattling breaths he drew. His hand, slipping through hers for the final time, no strength left to hold her like he once had.

And then… Nothing. Life, with its colours faded, the shape of him gone from her life. As had the memories, gone, leaving nothing but a void that had ached for years and years on end, missing a part of her that she never knew she had.

"I'm not dreaming, am I…? It’s really you, Lloyd…?"

He didn’t reply, averting his gaze to glance at the hourglass that had somehow found its way atop the dining table. Only a minute amount of sand had not met their inevitable fate, each grain teetering on the precipice of falling.

There were so many words, coated in tar, sticking to the sides of her throat. Built up over years of longing disguised as loneliness, draped over her back as a permanent cloak that clung to her sides, moulded to the shape of her.

But she couldn’t force them to leave, no matter how hard she tried, couldn’t cough up the fragile butterflies that begged to reach him, to plead for him to stay. Couldn’t even move from where she stood, hands folded over her heart.

“I’m sorry.” He pulled her close, arms wrapping comfortingly around her. It was warm, like the days she would lean against his shoulder and let herself drift away to the sound of wood being whittled, a soft breeze brushing against her skin.

She wanted to tell him to stop. The words wouldn’t come. She could only tighten her grip, fingernails digging into the skin of his arms, the ridged shape of the charm lodged between them.

Like this, he would remain real, solid under her fingertips. He wouldn’t…

“I’m sorry,” he whispered once more into her ears. The smile on his face held a lifetime’s worth of grief, spilling out of cracks that could never be mended, not with the tiny band-aids he used to stick on the scrapes on her skin with a grin, when everything could be fixed with just a sunny smile. It was resigned, nothing like the Lloyd whose eyes had shined with a light only an innocent child could possess, who had never let her role, her family, or the Church stop him from dragging her to the riverside to partake in a day of fun.

The river of hope had long since dried up for the two of them, the dreaded truth she’d been desperately tamping down rearing its ugly head as the realisation hit her in full.

How many times had they done this before, since the day he had slipped beyond her reach? How many times would Lloyd have to do this again, over and over, looking upon her with those warm brown eyes filled to the brim with a pain she was blind to?

Her heart couldn’t bear the thought of that, of the kind boy who had grasped hold of her hand when no one else would, who had tried his very best to slice away the veil obscuring her, determined to find the real her. Who had now seemingly taken on the responsibility of protecting her fragile heart with a vigilant eye, even when no one would ever know or thank him, even his name having been struck from memory.

For what reason? The burden should be hers alone to carry, the pain meant for her alone. If she couldn’t protect him or even the memory of him, then what use was she?

“Why? Why wouldn’t you just tell me?” she choked out, burying her face in his chest, heart breaking in two.

“You carry so much already, Colette.” He tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear, lips ghosting over her forehead. “The weight of these memories… Let them be mine to carry.”

That wasn't what she wanted. She wanted to feel their weight, pressing down upon her, wanted to feel the barbed thorns of grief piercing her heart each and every time she recalled his smile and the sound of his laughter.

She wanted to offer him a hand, as he had done for her, such that the two of them could go home together. But there was no home to return to, not anymore.

“Our time’s up. I’ll see you again, someday.” He cradled her cheek, thumb gently brushing away a tear. She didn’t want to forget, didn’t want to leave, the breath shuddering out of her as she leaned into his palm, shame colouring her for enjoying a touch she didn’t deserve.

But the choice had already been made for her, many long years ago.

The final grain of sand hit the bottom of the hourglass, her surroundings melting together as the solid warmth beneath her fingers vanished into inky darkness that crawled up her sides, pulling her under within seconds.

💫 💫 💫

He remained, frozen in place, staring at his empty hands. If he were to blink, he might catch a glimpse of her again, warmly pressed against him, her golden hair resplendently spilling down her back, the scent of spring embracing him. Maybe if he had held on just a little tighter, she wouldn’t have vanished before his very eyes, leaving with the rays of the sun that he could never feel against his skin again.

This was always how it ended. There was no changing fate, no altering that which had already occurred. No amount of selfishness would make this like the fairytales he’d read to her on sleepovers, the memories yellowing at the corners, just like the dog-eared pages he’d thumbed through on drowsy summer afternoons, her head lolling on his shoulder. No matter how much the wish to see her again had festered in his throat atop the hill, speaking it into existence would mean nothing. He could never return to those idyllic times.

Lloyd sighed, snapping into action when he tasted salt against his tongue. Roughly rubbing his face into the crook of his elbows, he took a heavy step towards the dinner table, collapsing into a chair. His shoulders shook as he sobbed, finally letting his grief spill from him, like a tidal wave escaping from a broken dam.

It’d been so long since she’d shown even a glimmer of recognition, since she’d glanced at him with anything more than curiosity in those blue eyes. Days that had turned into months that he’d long since stopped counting, letting time flow in its natural path. To suddenly see the shooting stars again had sent a jolt down his spine. Regardless of what power he held over this world, in the end, it was still Colette’s dream.

At the very beginning, when he’d been a confused child left alone in a world controlled by rules he didn’t understand, he’d almost begged for her to remember him. And she did, the first few times she’d arrived, shock painted all over her face, doubt defining her every action. They would play in this strange world he could affect with thoughts alone, and he would do his very best to make her laugh, trying to push away the inevitable sadness that would surface when their allotted time came to an end, the unheard strike of the clock echoing in the widening abyss between them. He could never forget, how tightly she’d grasp his hands, her small ones trembling in his, as she’d promised to be back, to do her best to remember.

Some nights, she hadn’t shown up at all. And when she had, stumbling through an unseen door into this mysterious world, he’d glimpse it behind her - the horrors she’d escaped from, shut out for good when the window in the air inexplicably vanished.

In time, he came to understand. To hope that it would never surface again, the memory of a boy she’d known for a scant few years. He couldn’t bear the naked guilt on her face, the never-ending tears she spilt as she apologised for things that were never her fault to begin with.

After all, this was nothing more than penance for his own powerlessness. Even knowing what he did now, fed tidbits by Colette, he couldn’t save her from anything. He could do nothing to protect the girl who was his driving light, not from the expectations the world piled upon her, nor the final fate he suspected, having not yet built up the courage to peek into the final nightmare that persistently laid a skeletal hand upon her shoulder, chased away only by the strange magic of this world. That which she was most afraid of, something she refused to reveal no matter how many times she cried into his shoulder, unaware that he was anything more than a figment of her troubled mind.

He was the one who had shattered his promise, and not even picking up the jagged pieces until his hands were bloody would do anything. Neither of them could grant the wishes they’d made, could keep the promise they’d forged. They were but two children stuck in eternal limbo, never able to become adults.

All he could do was hold her close whenever she opened the door to this world, ensuring the nightmares that haunted her never caught up to her. To fade into a silent shadow that could listen to her woes, despite the rage that burned beneath his skin, protesting that she didn’t deserve any of this. He couldn’t change the world that had forced her into such a cruel position, no matter how much he desired to do so.

If becoming a ghost that served the sole purpose of creating a peaceful paradise for her could bring her some solace, then he’d gladly do it without any hesitation, until his very existence had been consumed as fuel.

“A dream within a dream, was it…?” he mumbled, resting his head on the wooden tabletop, blinking blearily as the landscape of his childhood home wobbled before his eyes. He wasn’t sure if the real-life counterpart even looked like this anymore. How much had the world changed, without him there to witness it, and without anyone to remember him?

He tried not to dwell on that thought for too long.

It would be nice, to dream of simpler times.

He slipped into darkness, and he did not dream.

💫 💫 💫

"Couldn't sleep, Chosen?"

Colette remained silent, folding her hands against her stomach. She couldn’t find it in her to feign surprise as she turned to see Kratos standing behind her, watchful eyes trained on her.

"Bad dreams, is all." The lie slipped from her lips with ease, her gaze tracing the invisible silhouette of blue wings that shimmered in the night, giving the occasional flutter.

There wasn’t a tired bone in her body - she’d tossed and turned, determined to go to sleep, only to find that she couldn’t, even as she’d held her precious charm close. The fatigue that had accrued from her journey across the desert still permeated her every pore, yet she could find no respite from it. She could only come here to stare enviously at the stars that twinkled playfully down at her, free from any shackles.

“I see.”

Silence reigned supreme once more, neither of them saying anything. Not that she minded. It was calming, to let herself sink into the silence, contemplating the next leg of the Journey of Regeneration.

When she’d been informed that to become the perfect vessel for the Goddess was to sacrifice all that made her mortal and become a perfect Angel, she had known she would have to give up her life, had stared at the wings on her back for countless nights in a row, a sign of what was to come.

Yet she had not expected this - the slow yet sure theft of everything that she had once taken for granted. Sleep wasn’t even something she got that often, but it still felt like her heart had shrivelled in her chest once it had been ripped away from her. How much more would she have to endure, all the while with that same practised smile on her face, unwilling to let it break?

A small sound of surprise from Kratos was what dragged her from her thoughts, prompting her to gaze ever upwards.

A lone shooting star catapulted across the sky, quick as an arrow, reflected in the brightness of her eyes, which would never harbour tears again. Kratos bowed his head, soundlessly muttering something beneath the shower of stardust. With the starlight painting his hair, he truly resembled an Angel, sending a prayer towards the Heavens.

“You should make a wish, Chosen. If you do -”

“- then it’s sure to come true, right?” she finished the sentence with ease, an emotion she couldn’t name swimming in her chest. “I…”

Words rose within her throat but vanished before they could reach her tongue, just as the light of the shooting star was quenched by the ever-present, inky darkness.

“A Chosen like me has nothing to wish for but the success of the Journey of Regeneration.” It was the right thing to say, as Chosen. What else could she wish for, that wouldn’t reveal the selfish desires she had locked deep in her heart? That wouldn’t reveal just how much of a failure she was, nothing more than a scared child who couldn’t act the part of the adult she was meant to be.

“I… see.”

Perhaps she imagined it, the flash of pity in Kratos’ eyes. Regardless, she turned back to face the night sky, lips sealing shut as she folded her hands together in her lap.

Reaching a hand towards the sky, an unexplainable ache echoing in her heart, grasping for something she couldn’t quite see.

💫 💫 💫

Elsewhere, the light of a years-old shooting star flickered and was finally snuffed out. And with it died the memory of two children that always took comfort in each other, and the wish that was uttered that day, swallowed by the tides of time.

#fanfiction #one shot #tales of symphonia #colette brunel #lloyd irving #colloyd #colloydweek2023 #day 6: quote day

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umbry-fic · 2 years

Text

Swaying from Season to Season

Summary: It is in winter that Lloyd first meets an angel with snow in her hair. It is in spring that he takes her hand and pulls her through the rain. It is in summer that he falls for her, sparks all around them. It is in autumn that he knows hopelessness, and the guilt of a kiss.

And when winter rolls around once again, he lets her go.

Fandom: Tales of Symphonia Characters: Colette Brunel, Lloyd Irving Relationships: Colette Brunel/Lloyd Irving, Colette Brunel & Lloyd Irving Rating: G Word Count: 7866 Mirror Link: AO3 Original Post Date: 14/06/2022

Notes+Warnings: Written for Colloyd Week Day 6: Quote Day. ("Please, dream some good dreams for me, Lloyd.") Inspired by the After the Rain song of the same name! A canon divergence where Colette isn't the Chosen but is still Mana Lineage. The ending to this fic isn't very happy. :)

~~~

It was on a cold winter's day that Lloyd first met an angel, one with petals of snow scattered gently across her hair - a wreath woven from flowers picked by the heavens themselves.

On that day, Noishe's paws had crunched against the endless white that blanketed the ground, loud against the still silence, as he rushed down the familiar dirt path that led to school, nearly unrecognizable now, tongue lolling out of his mouth, ears flopping against his head. The boy clinging to his back had tightened his hands in the massive creature’s green fur, shivering at the breeze brushing his skin. Glancing up at the grey sky, burgeoning with the promise of more to come, wondering if it ever ran out of snow, or if it always had more to give. More and more, until everything was buried, and nothing could emerge.

Lloyd had thankfully reached the schoolhouse before the snowflakes made their presence known, Noishe giving him a last playful lick goodbye before disappearing into the shadows of the forest, ready to slink back to the warm comfort of home.

Leaving him alone in the classroom, the barest of light that managed to pierce through the thick clouds smothering the sky filtering through the windows that revealed the wintry world outside. Barely chasing the shadows from the room, leaving the darkest of them to gather in the corners, giving the whole place a dreary atmosphere that wasn't contributing much to his excitement to be here.

It was rare for him to be the first one to arrive, for all the chairs to be empty as they were now, facing him and seeming to stare him down. Last week he'd been late every single day, not used to having to get up early - or to leave the house on any schedule at all. The teacher had certainly given him a fierce mouthful every single time, giving him so many punishments involving water buckets that his arms had been shaking from exhaustion by the end of each day. He’d be ecstatic if he never had to see a bucket in his life again.

Today was a miracle that wouldn’t be repeated, he supposed, as he slumped into his chair and retrieved his latest project from the depths of his pockets, scattering the bits and bobs on the table. A mess of tiny wood pieces and twistable wires, that he hoped would one day become… something. What he was working towards was a blank space in his mind as of now, but he was confident that one day, he’d figure it out, just as Dad had told him countless times before, with a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

There was nothing else to do but pass the time by tinkering. He lost himself in the still somewhat clumsy movements of his fingers, having not yet mastered the awe-inspiring fluid motions that Dad always displayed effortlessly, that he hoped to one day emulate with ease. Head steadily dipping closer and closer to the desk, hands never stopping, completely tuning out the surroundings until his entire world had narrowed to what he was working on.

Nothing interrupted him. Nothing registered at all. Not the intensifying slam of the wind against the window panes, nor the shaking of the bare branches outside, casting shifting, creeping shadows on the desks, and certainly not the now falling snowflakes, spiralling soft from the sky.

There was only quiet, filled with the rough sensation of wood against his palm, of links slipping between his fingers, leaving his mind no space to ponder on what his classmates would say to him today.

Whether it would be the same cruel, pointed words that were so carelessly thrown at him, with no knowledge of how they sliced at his skin, or just pure disinterest that chilled his heart, like the cold, uncaring world outside.

There was no need to think of any of that.

Bang!

The door smacked into the wall with a surprising amount of force, the jarringly loud slam firmly shattering the bubble around him. He jumped and dropped everything from slack hands, only to fumble and fail to stop them from rolling right off the table.

He made no move to pick anything up - didn’t move at all, frozen in place, still half flattened over the desk with his hand outstretched to grasp at nothing, having caught sight of the girl in the doorway. Shivering with her hair caught in the winter winds, rushing in through the open door. Her white dress billowed around her knees, her coat flapping like Noishe’s ears, the blue ribbons attached to the sleeves fluttering wildly.

“Sorry!” she squeaked, cheeks flushed as she rushed to shut the door, to stop the wrath of winter from forcing its way in.

There was white on her hair, blinding against its gold. And amid the fog that was still clearing from his mind, his only thought was that perhaps they were daisies, twined together to form an elegant flower crown that was so very at home sitting atop her head.

“It’s… fine,” he replied, finally shaking off his daze and snapping into motion, bending down to retrieve the remnants his project had fallen into, not wanting to meet the girl’s gaze. He recognised her - the girl who sat at the centre of class, surrounded at all times by a swarm of other classmates, the faces in the crowd always changing as everyone eagerly tried to stay by her side. Always in the midst of conversation, always with a smile painted on her face. A smile that seemed off to him, the few times he’d sneaked a glance at her out of the corner of his eye from his corner of the classroom, devoid of anyone, though he couldn’t put a finger on how.

A girl as popular as her wouldn’t want anything to do with him, surely.

Not the child who lived on the outskirts of the forest, an outsider to the village, raised by a dwarf. How strange, as everyone had already said, passed in whispers and laughter.

He bowed his head once more, trying to return to what had engrossed him just moments before. But his hands trembled, his mind straying, the hope he was trying so desperately to squash only surging up tenfold. For there was nothing more persistent, and even when forced to retreat after days of abuse, still it refused to simply shrivel and die. Even as he told himself that he shouldn’t even try, that it was better to just snap the thread of hope in half -

“I’ve never had someone arrive earlier than me.”

He sucked in a shaking breath, settling his hands on the table to stop the tremors, and raised his head. Seeking the soothing voice that calmed the frantic beat of his heart, and unlocked a well of courage he didn’t even know existed, slowly flooding him with its comforting warmth.

Somehow, she hadn’t walked away yet, as everyone else had. Hands folded behind her back, she shifted her weight from foot to foot, swaying gently. Different from the impression of her he held in his mind - there was a hesitance to the way she carried herself, the distance she kept between them.

Up close, he could see now that what he’d thought were flowers were really the remnants of snow, stark and beautiful. Her eyes were an incredible blue, like the sky on a warm summer’s day, perfect for making wonderful memories. He’d never noticed that before.

“My name’s Colette. Colette Brunel.”

The corner of her mouth lifted shyly as she continued to stand there, as if awaiting something, but what, he didn’t know.

All he knew was that she had yet to snicker, to grin and say something mean. She only continued to look upon him, a storm of emotions contained in the blue of her eyes.

Colette… It’s a very pretty name.

“I’m Lloyd. Lloyd Irving,” he replied, springing to his feet with the same energy charging his voice, returning to him after that first horrendous day. Leaning forward and eagerly offering a hand, hoping she would take it and close the gap between them. It would take so little.

He had never before known what it felt to want something so terribly much, to yearn for something with all of his heart, so much so that it felt like it would burst at any moment.

The small smile on Colette’s face bloomed, large and bright. Causing him to realize what it was that so bothered him about the ones she always flashed in class - it was the restraint. It was obvious now that he’d seen her true smile, here, where she wasn’t holding herself back. A smile of pure happiness, radiating a warmth that chased away the chill still clinging to his fingers, unravelling it from around his heart. Strong enough to chase away the darkness, making it seem like the cheerful summer sun was shining high up in the sky, instead of being weak and lost behind the clouds.

“Nice to meet you, Lloyd!”

Her hand, soft and small, grasped his, almost desperately, fingers curling tight. As if he was providing a lifeline that was keeping her afloat.

It was a moment in time that would become vividly seared into his memory.

For it was on that day that he came to know the joy of friendship, and a beautiful dream first unfolded. One that, in the naivety of childhood, he had thought would last forever.

❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️

That winter was spent playing together. Stomping on the snow as he grabbed her gloved hand and together, they ran through town countless times, imprinting memories into the very ground they stood on. Building snowmen that all inevitably got knocked over, either by Noishe’s enthusiasm or Colette’s clumsiness. Throwing snowballs at each other as Dad watched, a smile playing beneath his bushy beard. Finding a new friend, and sealing their friendship with a hearty handshake and sweets spilt on a table.

It was spent getting to know Colette, this girl who was so different from him, yet was much the same in many ways. A girl who was supposedly loved by all, yet seen by no one. A girl who knew so little of the joys this world had to offer, who had spent so long trapped within a protected life, shut behind a locked gate, glancing mournfully at all the other children. Always having to pretend with the emptiest of smiles on her face.

The impression he’d first had of her peeling away completely to reveal the completely different girl, hidden beneath - incredibly kind and adorably awkward. Who was always ecstatic to see Noishe and receive his sloppy kisses, laughing as she hugged his furry neck and proceeded to get knocked to the ground. Who clapped her hands in delight every time he met up with her for another day of play, jumping up and down on the spot, loudly yelling his name as she waved wildly.

He liked her a lot more like this, he’d decided.

He didn’t quite understand, at the time, the reason why there were so many rules hanging over her head. Didn’t understand the significance of the title she carried, knew little of the Church or the Mana Lineage or any of those big terms that made his head spin like he’d just run ten circles around the house trying to catch Noishe.

Only knew how much all of it must have weighed on her, watching her droop like a wilted flower whenever she was reminded of it. He didn’t want that.

So he had promised her he would show her everything, from one end of the world to the other, and even more after that. No matter how many years it took, and no matter how many rules they had to break. Even if it was impossible, he’d make it happen.

Watching her eyes light up made him believe he could do it, as long as it made her happy.

And the rest of winter passed, spent memorizing the feel of her hand in his; the way her cheeks flushed in the cold as she hid her face; the shape of her smile. Until he was certain he could trace it in his sleep.

As the little project in his hands began to take shape, a purpose solidifying in his mind.

🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼

Rain fell from the heavens, only adding to the small river rushing down the dirt path. Hitting the tiny yellow flowers that lay alongside it and making them shake from the force, as if vigorously waving to the two children passing them by, everyone else having long since taken shelter from the whims of nature.

The individual drops pattered against the single red umbrella held above Lloyd’s head, its handle gripped tightly in one hand. His other arm was wrapped around Colette’s shoulder, ensuring she was huddled close under the umbrella’s protection, her shoulder pressed snugly to his.

It wouldn’t do for her to catch a cold from the spring shower.

“You alright?” he whispered. The constant pitter-patter reaching his ears made it seem right to do so, to share secrets under the safety of an umbrella, the curtains of rain hiding them away from the world. Not even the sun, hanging in a sky splashed with deep pink and orange, could spy on them now.

“Mm,” she murmured in return, head dropping further onto his shoulders from exhaustion. The strong smell of mud and rain, mixing together, surrounded them. “I had a lot of fun today. Thank you.”

Today had been spent in the same way every other day of spring had been. Staking claim on the rolling hills and lying beneath the unbelievably blue skies, drawing shapes in the clouds and giggling together over the most ridiculous of their ideas, making the sky the canvas on which their imaginations ran wild. He’d even tried to teach her how to climb trees, acting as her footrest to boot her up. Ending more often than not with them in a tangled pile of limbs by the roots, shrieking in laughter, mud having gotten everywhere.

But spring had other ideas, and had cut their day short with a clap of thunder that had driven them back inside his home. No amount of munching on cookies and peering through foggy windows, with their hands and noses pressed to the glass, had encouraged the rain to stop. With the sun rapidly sinking, there’d been no choice but to grab the umbrella Dad had offered and send Colette home in the rain.

If she didn’t get back soon, her father, and likely the Church, would have his head for “kidnapping” the next of the Mana Lineage or endangering her life or… Something. And he’d rather not die over something so stupid. There was so much more he hadn’t shown Colette yet.

And so they’d emerged into the world in its current state. Water gathering on leaves and making them sag, that would be almost completely gone tomorrow, leaving only beads of water, glittering under the sunlight. Nothing had been spared. Not even the gift he’d made especially for Colette - a flower crown made of daisies, white like the snow he’d seen on her head the first day they met, painstakingly woven together.

It was now a soggy mess from the rain, utterly ruined in his eyes. But she’d refused to take it off, continuing to smile and say it was a precious gift. Somehow, she could still see beauty in it.

“We’re nearly there, I think.” He perked up as he caught sight of the familiar bend in the road.

“That’s good. I hope Father’s not too - Ah!”

He wasn’t certain what Colette’s foot had caught on to lead to her little cry. It could have been a bump in the road, a stray pebble, or even thin air. It was Colette, and he had learned long ago that she could trip over anything.

The only thing he was certain of was that she was falling forward, her hand tightening on his, tugging him along. He reached for her shoulder, hoping to stop the disaster that was unfolding before his eyes, but it was far too late. There was no stopping their momentum now. All he could do was grab on and sharply turn his body, praying for the best.

He winced as his back hit the ground, all the air driven out of him in one fell swoop, the umbrella having flown out of his hand to lay useless beside him. Rain pelted his face, water running into his eyes and making him blink as he struggled to raise his head off the ground, disoriented. Only able to heave a sigh of relief at the sight of Colette, resting against his chest.

At least he’d managed to shield her from the fall.

“Sorry.” She pushed herself up on her arms, smiling sheepishly. The rain blurred against her head, forming a halo that floated above her. Water caught in her eyelashes, in the hair clinging to her arms, rolling down her face like tears. Making him stare for reasons he couldn’t hope to understand. “We’re really drenched now, aren’t we?”

“Well… You’ve never been out in the rain either, have you? Let’s just take it as part of the promise,” he said, letting his head rest against the ground. Closing his eyes against the thud of the rain, letting the noise wash over him. “It’s surprisingly nice.”

“Hm, you’re right. So I guess it’s just another thing to experience! Maybe we’ll even see a rainbow!”

“At night?”

“At night!” Her giggles reached his ears, her weight shifting as she laid her cheek against his chest. “It’s cold, though.”

“Not as cold as the snow.”

“No. Not as cold as the snow,” she agreed, her hand finding his again, their fingers lacing together. Her other hand snuck its way into the pocket of his shirt, pressing against his beating heart. Far away from the pockets concealing a secret, not yet ready to be revealed.

“But you’re warm,” she whispered, her sweet voice sliding into his ears and making his breath stutter in his chest.

And even though her palm, pressed against his, was cold, even though the freezing rain still poured from the sky, there was a current of warmth shivering its way down his spine, originating from their interlocked fingers. Making him forget everything - the umbrella laying abandoned mere inches from his fingers, the need to get Colette home. Until the world consisted of just the two of them and the never-ending rain.

Later, he would pull her up and take her running through the rain, spinning round and round, Colette laughing in delight when Noishe made a sudden appearance, splashing them both as he enthusiastically leapt into puddles. But for now, he would simply lay here, enjoying Colette’s company, letting the rain wash all away.

🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼

When Colette’s 13th birthday rolled around, he was finally given the chance to show her the present he’d finished almost half a year ago, and had spent the past months tweaking on many a sleepless night. He wanted it to be perfect, and nothing less would be acceptable. Every blemish had to be stomped out before she got even close to laying eyes on it.

He’d asked her to sit down at the dining table so he could do everything properly - only for an awkward silence to result, all the words he’d carefully put together and practised countless times flying away when he opened his mouth. Sweat began to roll down his neck as she stared at him in confusion, hands clasped and resting on the table.

Throwing his entire plan out of the window, he nervously uncurled his fingers to reveal the necklace sitting on his palm, a circular charm hanging on the chain, its vivid red seeming to shine. Practically yelling happy birthday, his gaze fell to the floor, too scared of what he’d see reflected on her face. What if he hadn’t gotten the shape as well as he’d thought he did? What if he hadn’t connected the chain well enough? What if -

None of his doubts mattered, for they all dissolved when Colette clapped her hands together, a brilliant smile spreading across her face as she exclaimed that she loved it.

Beaming, he leaned forward and helped her put her birthday present on, fiddling with the clasp as Colette held her hair up, his fingers brushing the back of her neck.

When he was done, he sat back and watched her trace her fingers along the curved surface, her soft smile glowing in the sunlight.

“I’ll treasure it forever,” she whispered.

Even then, as he’d taken her hand, the words had rung hollow between them.

☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️

The tapping of a pencil against paper stopped as the familiar rap of knuckles against the wood of the front door echoed through the house. Lloyd raised his head, frowning as he contemplated heading downstairs. Who would be visiting at this time of night, with the sun having gone to sleep, leaving shadows to creep about on the dirt?

Maybe it was some client of Dad’s with some urgent request that couldn’t wait. Regardless, he ignored it, going back to puzzling over his math homework. Dad would deal with it. This was due tomorrow, and if he didn’t get it done, Professor Raine was going to murder him… Even if he nodded off every ten minutes and couldn’t comprehend half of what he was reading, he would get it done, one way or another.

“Lloyd! It’s for you!” Dirk’s boisterous voice snapped him out of his latest nap, pencil having bounced off the table and onto the floor. Scrambling out of the chair, he began to make his way down, rubbing at his eyes.

For him? Who would be here to visit him at this time of night? Everyone who would even remotely want to see him should be asleep.

Except… But that couldn’t be right, he thought, as he passed Dad on his way to the front door. Feeling his sharp gaze, heavy on his back.

Stopping at the open doorway, his mouth fell open as he spotted the person waiting for him there, patiently waiting with their hands held behind their back. Proving his suspicions right, no matter how improbable they had been.

“Hi.” Colette waved, smiling. “Sorry if it’s too late at night for me to be here.”

With the moon beginning to peek out from behind the clouds, its silver highlighted her golden hair; the charm resting against her chest caught its light, making his heart skip a beat.

“Why are you out here?” he managed to get out, fingers tightening on the door jamb. He wanted to look away, to drop his gaze to the dull dirt, as if staring at her any longer would burn him. Maybe it would - with the flames that burned through his veins each time he took her hand, the spark that jumped in his heart each time her face lit up with that beautiful smile, the one he wanted to see, again and again and again for the rest of his life.

A wish he had carried with him all this while without ever thinking about it, cracks starting to show in the foundations as he began to realize that it would never be possible to achieve.

Yet he couldn’t look away, utterly captivated.

“Couldn’t sleep.” Her answer wasn’t an answer, but the mischievous rise of the corner of her mouth told him the truth, as she stretched out her hand. As did her next words, her voice dipping into a shy admittance, a blush dusting her cheeks. “So I wanted to see you.”

“Right,” he whispered, swallowing as he stepped out from his home and the warm yellow light of flickering lamps, into a world of browns and greens, awash with shadow. A hint of possibility, of mystery, of hope, all contained in the hand offered to him.

The knowledge that she had snuck all the way out here to seek him out, made him smile, just a little.

He took her hand with no hesitation, for he had never been able to say no to her. Letting her lead him in the direction of the forest, into the darkness of the yawning branches, fully trusting his heart in her hands. The heavy summer air pressed against them as they walked, surrounded by the pervasive buzz of cicadas, barely a hint of a breeze to act as a reprieve on this humid night.

“We’re here!” she declared as they stepped into a familiar location. Dropping his hand, she leapt onto a little outcrop, beaming as she swung around to face him.

They’d arrived at the little clearing they’d found on one of their forest explorations, long ago. A small grassy area, with flowers popping out of the ground here and there, and a pond on the edge. A place they returned to from time to time whenever they wanted to relax alone - which often ended with Colette dozing off, her head resting in his lap, hair falling everywhere like an ocean of gold as he let her hair fall through his fingers, wishing her peaceful dreams.

The full moon, now fully revealed, was reflected on the surface of the pond, turning it into liquid silver. If he were to throw a stone, the ripples would surely resemble the melted metal that oozed in the forges whenever Dad was working. A sight straight out of the fairytales he and Colette had read out loud at sleepovers - bursting to the seams with magic. Where fairies would meet on nights such as these, making merry above the water and soaking in the light of the full moon, causing the very air to shimmer.

Against a blank canvas of pure black, Colette drew his gaze as she did another spin, teetering wildly before regaining her balance. The only star in a cloudy night, brighter than any he had seen before - almost glowing from within as she cocked her head, hair beginning to slip out of the loose ponytail she had thrown it into, nightgown fluttering around her ankles.

Oh.

The realization was sudden, an arrow piercing his heart. Yet, at the same time, he had already known, and perhaps always had. A weight pressing on his chest all summer, that had been there ever since that evening in the rain, which he could no longer pretend was just the heaviness of the summer air. Every glance snuck at her through the veil of her hair as she reached up a hand to feel the leaves of a tree only making it build.

All of it left as a sigh, his fists clenching against his sides, the cheerful words leaving her mouth going unheard as the world came to a complete stop. Leaving him to fall.

He was making the one mistake he wasn’t allowed to, that he could never come back from. For the burden she carried would never be something she could put down, or would ever be willing to.

That was just the sort of person he’d fallen in love with.

“Lloyd?”

The touch of her hand against his cheek was what drew him back to reality. When had she gotten so close, close enough for her breath to tickle his cheek, like gentle butterflies brushing at his skin? Staring at him with concern reflected in her blue eyes, that deep blue that he’d always loved, that was so easy to get lost in.

“What’s wrong?” she whispered, a small tremble to her voice as she smoothed his fringe away from his forehead, having fallen there from their trek through the forest.

He shoved down the shudder that threatened to make its way down his spine, resisting the urge to lean into her touch, to wrap his arms around her and hold her close.

“Nothing,” he said in return, desperately trying to keep his voice from shaking, and smiling what he hoped was a smile free from pain. “So, what did you bring me here for?”

She stepped away, something unreadable in her eyes that was gone within seconds. Fleeting like fireworks.

“Sparklers!” She grinned, pulling out the little sticks from her pocket and waving them in his face, bringing back memories of chasing each other through town, blazing a trail of sparks behind them as they weaved between houses. “We haven’t used them at all this summer!”

“Where’d you even get these from?” he asked, incredulous as he took one from her, their fingertips brushing. “Do you have a secret stash at home or something?”

“That’s a secret!” She grinned, pressing a finger to her lips as she placed a lighter to the tip of his sparkler, followed by her own. Making them explode in golden light that enveloped them both in a warm embrace.

Falling soft on Colette - tracing the lines of her cheek, the flow of her hair, making his heart squeeze in his chest with an ache that would only get worse from here. But it wasn’t a feeling he’d trade away - not for anything.

“So… Catch me if you can!” She took off without warning, only turning back to stick her tongue out at him, barely slowing down at all. Sparks trailed behind her as she twirled with the sparkler held high in the air, weaving patterns in the air.

“No fair!” he yelled in indignation, taking chase and catching up, inch by inch, until he was hot on her heels. Breathless laughter echoed between them, sparks overtaking the entire clearing. Becoming eager fireflies with a life of their own, hoping to witness all the night had to offer. Creating wings behind their backs that stretched into the night sky to fill it with stars.

And for now, he could forget all that weighed in his heart, content to enjoy Colette’s smile and the sound of her laughter.

☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️

He finally caught her by lunging at her from behind, arms wrapping tightly around her to keep her still as his chin came to rest on her shoulder. She squirmed, but eventually conceded, a few remaining sparks, struggling to stay alive, escaping from between her curled fingers.

They retired by the side of the pond, dipping their toes in the cool water and watching their reflections be disrupted. Her hand pressed atop his on the soft grass between them, a comfortable silence falling, the both of them out of words.

The pitiful remnants of his sparkler was stuck in the grass, valiantly sputtering, the stars that had finally come out to play painting their light in the canvas of her eyes, brushing tender strokes down her arms. He wondered what it would be like to gently cup her face and lean forward -

He only smiled when she squeezed his hand, tearing his gaze away from the curve of her mouth.

Darkness seemed to hover at the edge of everything. At the tips of leaves, at the far side of the pond. It felt like the world was wavering between a dream and reality, beginning to fray and fall apart. Perhaps this had all been a mirage, conjured up by the summer heat, to be forgotten once the fragile illusion shattered.

On their way back, they parted at the edge of the forest, her hand slipping out of his as she took a separate path and disappeared down a bend. Exhausted as he was, he trudged home and collapsed into bed. Right into another dream. Of the image of her, flickering. Always at the edge of his vision. He reached out to grasp at it, only for it to disappear the moment his fingertips brushed it. Unable to hold on.

He awoke to the heat of tears on his cheeks, heart heavy with the knowledge that the dream they shared must come to an end someday. Turning over in bed to stare out his window, he watched a shooting star tear across the sky, splitting it in two in an explosion of glorious light.

In its wake, he wished she would never know the same pain he carried now, and that she would never discover the feelings he was determined to lock away, somewhere deep in his heart. It wouldn't be fair, for her to have to shoulder another burden.

He never realised that he’d forgotten to tell her goodbye that night. Even as the world said farewell to summer, welcoming autumn’s dull brown with hesitant arms, the innocence of childhood wilting.

🍂🍂🍂🍂🍂

“What would you do, if you could be free?”

The question slipped out of his mouth, with no reason as to why. Unable to take it back, he could only watch as Colette stiffened where she lay next to him on the grassy knoll, drawing her shoulders into herself and turning away to hide her expression.

"I'm sorry," was all he could say, even though the words were meaningless at this point. What he'd said must have stabbed right at her heart. "I…"

All around them were hints of the approaching cold. Shrubs that were beginning to wilt; brown and curling leaves barely clinging onto the boughs of the trees that gave them shelter.

A reminder of the passage of time. Just as the cycle of life was - each seed that sprouted, bloomed, and then died, before his very eyes. Each grain of time slipping through his fingers no matter how much he tried to tighten his grasp, the world turning on, uncaring of the ending it was hurtling towards.

“Why do you ask?” Her voice was muffled, but steady.

He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing would emerge. Even as he scoured his heart, there was nothing tangible enough to scramble at. Only scattered emotions. Perhaps it was the tiny bit of bitterness that he'd never been able to get rid of that had prompted this - a part of him that wanted to claw savagely at fate, to protect whatever was left, to stave off the future for as long as possible.

“I would dream. Freely, and forever,” she whispered, sitting up and turning back to face him, blue eyes shimmering with an entire sea of emotions - threads that were tangled and knotted with no hope of being smoothened out. She shifted towards him, her hand rising to cradle his face, fingers splaying on his cheek. Her other reached for his hand, slack beside him.

The thought that he should stop her leapt to the forefront of his mind, his hand hesitantly pulling away from hers. They were dancing dangerously close to the cusp of an abyss, about to take a plunge over the edge. But with her so close that he could count each spot of darker blue in her eyes, like bursts of stardust, he couldn’t bring himself to pull any further away. Blood rushing in his ears, his eyes fluttered closed as he let Colette’s fingers intertwine with his.

“With you.” The words were the last to float into the air before her lips pressed against his, soft and sweet, her hand gripping onto his tight enough to leave marks behind.

His heart soared as he drowned in the scent of spring that always clung to her, gently running his fingers through her hair. Savouring this one moment where he wished time would stop. Perhaps in another world where they were both nothing but children, without the weight of the world on Colette’s shoulders.

Yet at the same time, his heart was cracking in two as he tasted salt against his tongue, heavy with guilt.

She broke away with a gasp after just a few seconds, bringing them both crashing back to reality. There was no happy ending to be found here, no future where they could both smile.

Her huge eyes welled with tears, hands dropping to grab at his clothes. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. We shouldn’t have. We… I’m so, so sorry…” she cried, burying her face in his chest as sobs wracked her shoulders.

And again, he could do nothing. Utterly powerless. Unable to stop her trembling, or to soothe her pain and make it go away. He could only wrap his arms around her, holding her close and pressing a kiss to her hair. Whispering reassurances as his own tears began to fall.

All he wanted was to take her hand and run, as far away as possible, perhaps even to the edge of the world. Where no one could find them, where no one would know who she was, where they could start over. Continue this dream they both so desperately wished for.

It wasn’t possible. Some part of her would always be left behind, here. Carrying a guilt he could never fully understand or alleviate, but would continue to pull at her, dragging her into a dark pit of torment. She could never leave. Not truly.

She continued to apologize, for things that had never been her fault to begin with, still shaking like a leaf, her sobs tearing at him. Perhaps the right thing to do would be to push her away before they could get ever more entangled with each other, but he’d never had the strength to do that, even as he constantly swallowed down the words at the tip of his tongue.

The words they had both told each other a thousand times over, without ever saying a thing out loud. Every time she sought him out when she couldn’t find the peace of sleep, every time he wiped a stray tear of hers away, every time they said goodbye to each other but refused to part, not wanting to waste a single moment… Always too afraid to say anything, even as they stole tiny moments of sweetness, stained with guilt.

A beautiful flower they nurtured in the safety of their hands, that could never see the light of day. For to speak of it would be to acknowledge that it was true.

He let the wind whisper the words beating within his heart as it caressed his face, and stared at the birds gleefully gliding through the skies above. Free to seek out a better life in lands far away, with nothing chaining them down.

Mourning all the firsts they could never have, lest the world lost its chance for a saviour to lift it from its inevitable demise. Remembering a promise that he could never keep. The last of the leaves stolen away by a sudden burst of wind, their resilience crumbling to nothingness, taking with them the final breath of spring.

🍂🍂🍂🍂🍂

On the steps leading up to the Church, he let go of her hand. Every step they’d taken to get there trampling on a thousand memories, written onto the very surface of their hearts.

“Bye,” she whispered, not meeting his gaze, a small, guilty smile on her face. Her eyes were still slightly puffy and red, even if all other evidence had been wiped clean, the tracks down her cheeks gone.

Nodding, he fell back into the same old charade of normalcy, still unable to muster up any words.

He watched her make her way up, taking each step carefully. She turned back at the top to wave, lingering for just a moment before disappearing into the building.

Knowing what news she had come here to receive from the priests only made the vice around his heart tighten. In just an hour, she would hold in her hands the name of the person she must, by the Goddess’ demand, be tied to for the rest of her life. The “gift” the Church would give her for her 18th birthday, in their neverending kindness.

One day very soon, he would have to let go of her for the final time. And she would go where he could never follow. Saying goodbye one last time, after which he would no longer get to tell her that he’d see her again.

Tomorrow was not yet that day.

I’ll see you again then.

❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️

The sight before his eyes was the most beautiful he’d ever seen - there were no other words to describe it, and there would never be anything that could surpass it.

Colette stood before him, dressed in a resplendent white dress that trailed on the ground behind her, outfitted with frills, her hair braided with daisies threaded into them by Raine’s careful hand. A Goddess walking upon the land, prepared to bless it with fortune.

Yet her eyes broke the image of radiant happiness - overflowing with melancholy, her head bowed as if in repentance, hands clasped before her.

With another turn of the season, they had arrived. Ink trickling to the bottom of paper, ready to end the chapter, whereafter a flip of a page would close the book on their story. A fork in the road where they must part, just as they had done a thousand times before, to go their respective ways home.

“Lloyd…” She stepped closer, raising her head and smiling weakly. “I… I’m…”

“Don’t cry,” he muttered, reaching out with a shaking hand to wipe away the tears that budded at the corner of her eyes, threatening to spill over. Unable to follow his own advice, his heart at risk of shattering into a thousand pieces, never to be put back together again. Slowly sinking into despair. “The bride should be happy on her wedding day, right?”

She laughed, dry and without humour, before taking a deep breath, as if steeling herself.

What could he even say at this moment, with his world about to come to an end? Helpless to do anything to save the girl he loved from her inevitable fate. Any words of comfort would be easily crushed by the waves of authority and power the Church wielded, meaningless. Unable to even beg that she take him with her, to that far away dream within a dream, an entirely different world from which one could never return.

“Thank you, Lloyd.” Her voice, somehow no longer wavering, made his breath catch. A constant reminder of her unbreakable strength, that continued to amaze him even to this day. Her eyes blazing, she took his hand, pressing her forehead against his. “For everything.”

“Even if it was only for just a moment…” The first real smile he’d seen from her today bloomed on her face, just as entrancing as the one he’d seen on the day they’d met. Her warmth, her very soul seeming to touch him as she held their joined hands against his heart, a lifetime’s worth of dreams and hopes and wishes, contained between their palms. “You taught me what it meant to be happy. And I’ll treasure those memories forever.”

He couldn’t help the broken sound that escaped him as she pulled away, leaving only the ghostly imprint of her hand on his, even knowing that it was selfish of him to be making this any harder than it had to be. For her, it must have felt like she was ripping her heart out of her chest with her own hands, being the one who had to willingly walk away. Knowing that at the same time, she was stabbing a dagger into his heart as well.

But the world must know salvation, and to the crowd of unknowing people waiting in the chapel, prepared to clap and cheer, a few crushed hearts were barely a sacrifice.

Tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear, he brushed a tender kiss against her forehead, feeling the scratch of lace. Reminiscent of the hundreds of kisses they had stolen, whether it be by the river, on the secluded path to his home, or behind the Church, desperately huddling together, still following the unspoken agreement to never speak their feelings into words. His last display of love, and a final goodbye, choking on grief and unable to speak.

Pulling away before his tears could wet the fabric of her wedding dress, knowing that the bride must look perfect.

Colette reached behind herself, fingers fiddling with the familiar clasp he’d fastened so many years ago. The image of him giving it to her, reflected in a broken mirror.

The charm was pressed into his open palm, now returned to the sender. His fingers curled over the curved surface, so tightly that it dug into his hand, the chain dangling in the air. It was still in pristine condition, the surface mostly free of scratches, for as she had promised, she had treasured it, with all of her heart. Always remembering to protect it, even when she fell and scraped her knees.

The physical manifestation of their bond, held in his hand, returned to him by the girl he had wanted to share everything with.

Her last gift to him - an attempt to cut him free. A plea for him to do what she couldn’t, to forget about her and move on, to a better life where the choice of where to go lay solely with him. Even though she would always carry a part of his heart with her, that he had carved out and given to her without ever noticing.

Just as he knew he would carry a part of her forever. For he couldn’t forget, even if he tried. Their years of laughter and tears, of embraces and teasing, of sleepovers and shared snacks and the times they’d stuck out at night, would stay with him. Even if those memories were really nothing more than a blink of an eye in comparison to the vastness of the universe, like a drop in an endless ocean… Even then, they would remain everything to him. And he would cherish them, no matter how distant they may become, no matter how much it would hurt to hold them close, each one now riddled with thorns that pricked at his skin.

Coming together in the shape of the kindest girl he’d ever known, and the only one he would ever love.

“Dream a good dream for me, won’t you, Lloyd?” she told him, showing him one last smile, raw with emotion, before turning her back on him and disappearing out of the room. Out into the Church hall where she would soon walk down the aisle, a well-practised smile painted on her face that would fool everyone but those who knew her best. Good enough, for the Church, and the rest of the world, had never cared if she was happy or not.

Leaving him alone, eyes stinging, bitterness pooling on his tongue, clutching the necklace he had once painstakingly crafted for her to himself. Discarded shards littered all around him, from that wonderful dream they had shared that had, at long last, come to an end.

❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️

And so, on a winter’s day just like the one on which he had met her, with snow falling gently outside to give the world a soft blanket, and wind battering the sides of the Church…

He let her go, once and for all.

#fanfiction #one shot #colloydweek2022 #day 6: quote day #tales of symphonia #colette brunel #lloyd irving #colloyd

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