#dont know how to describe this emptiness that i have been feeling ever since i was a little kid + no one taking me seriously

[zilodak]

Wait omg Spring's BPD coded?

Well he's unnamed-mental-illness-that-I-struggle-from-which-i-am-85%-sure-is-BPD coded

[femmedesyeuxnoirs]

Yeah

Have u ever been so sleep deprived that ur flesh starts feeling wavy. But anyways i just had the most fucked up manic episode, bender and subsequent panic attack marathon ive ever had in my entire life. I did ket, blow, xan, like 100 cigarettes, and so much fucking alcohol, jumped off of this random girls roof into her pool while i had a busted leg, then injured my other leg when i landed, and when i got out of the water i stepped on a live wire. That is probably the dumbest thing ive ever done actually. I could not make this shit up if i tried.

Oh and i almost had 3 threesomes in like a span of 2 days. And one of those was with my dj crush’s (yeah u know the one who is twice my age who was like an acidhead raver in the 90s) Not him, but his roommate who is literaly an adonis hes so beautiful and fucks good hes my age too so its like not weird. and its so messy but i cant stop thinking about having a threesome witb tje both of them. Fuck my whole life.

Also ive been staying downtown at my friends place but the building is really confusing and i also lost my phone so i got lost in that stupid fucking huge building wandering around for like hours until someone saw me crying running down the street with a limp and called my friend.

I can hardlt describe in words the terror i felt when i finally got into my friends apartment only to find that they were gone and since this place has the ceiling to floor windows and its empty bc hes moving out, i looked at the view of the entirety of downtown phoenix and got a sudden wave of intense nausea, followed by several hours of panic symptoms until my friends got back. I truly thought i was going to die. God how the fuck have i not died at this point.

Ok so let me just say that i need money bad, and being a dancer is beginning to be too traumatizing and dehumanizing for me to continue. I dont want to rely on the kindness of strangers just to be allowed to exist but i dont have a lot of options. I know there are many kind people here that are willing to help, as long as you have the means i would appreciate if anyone wants to help me out after this nightmare

https://venmo.com/u/twoheavens

https://www.paypal.me/boilingpond?locale.x=en_US

https://cash.app/$sabinesix

[autism-corner]

Ramblings of a Lunatic

II 750 Words II Levi x reader II Pure fluff II You find Levi ranting about his feelings for you II Established relationship II

The soft blue hue of Levi's room at midnight slowly reached your eyes as you blinked awake. It wasn't uncommon for you to fall asleep in Leviathans tub, but you'd usually only wake up at a reasonable time and with the demon still in your embrace. This time, your arms were entirely empty. As you became more and more awake, searching for the missing warmth, your ears started to pick up on something. A soft murmuring, coming from near fish-henry's tank.

"It's just. ARGH!!!" As you peak over the edge, you find your demon clinging to his water-filled walls. He's turned away from you and sitting on his knees, his head apparently resting in his hands. Some other blanket than the one that you two fell asleep under was draped over his shoulders.

"MC is. Practically perfect. How can they just fall asleep so easily? And with ME of all people?!!" The panic in his voice is clear, but you also pick up on a tiny smile filled with pride. "Henry, I just still dont understand. Why would they keep sticking to me, when they could honestly get anything in the world?" A sigh. As the silence took its place, you debated if you should break your own cover. You could go over to him and comfort him, kiss him, tell him all his worries are completely unnecessary.

But, there was also another part of you that recognized the importance this moment had for Levi. He'd clearly done this before. He just needs to talk about his feelings to someone that isn't you, even if that means it needs to be a fish. Plus, it doesn't actually seem like Leviathan is in that bad of a mind-space. Even though you can't see his face, you can tell by the small things in his voice that he's just excited. He probably just needs to gush it out. So, you keep still, and stay listening to your demon.

"Whenever they smile I just KNOW that people would drop anything to see it again. I know I do. If they're just walking around I can feel the eyes that're attracted to them. It makes me want to pull them close and show everyone just how taken they actually are."

Memories with Leviathan start to surface. Just little things. Walking trough the halls of RAD with his hand ever-inching closer to yours. Always striding just a little quicker whenever either of you spot the other. All the tiny gift Levi has given you out of seemingly nowhere, but always whenever you were feeling a bit down. They all add up. You realize that it's specifically those things that make your relationship with Levi so perfect. The tiny ways that the two of you interact create a magical atmosphere, always growing with love.

As you relish the memories, Leviathan begins to talk again. "You know, Henry? I mean, you must. It's not like I haven't told you this like 100 times already, LOL. Anytime I see MC, my heart grows even more. Even now, its expanding. Just thinking about how they're currently in my bed, soundly sleeping. Knowing they're comfortable and safe, and that it's their specific choice to actually be with me, it just fills me with love. How can it not? I'm so unbelievably lucky." There's a sound that can only be described as a dreamily-and-heavenly-in-love sigh. "Speaking off, have I told you about today? Just as we were walking to RAD we.........."

As you listened to Levi drone on about you and him, you felt yourself get tired again. Understandable, since it's been well past midnight. The apparent energy that Levi gets while talking about you amazes you, but you can't keep stopping your eyes from closing by themself. As you slowly doze off the the sound of your lover's rambling, you hope your dreams will be filled with even just a fraction of the love you feel right now.

---

You wake up again, this time at a reasonable time and with your demon back in your arms. While waking up, your memories of last nights' happenings come back again. Even though the subject of your adoration is still sleeping next to you, you're sure he wouldn't mind waking up to your numerous kisses. Your not planning on telling him what you witnessed anytime soon, but you make sure to clearly translate your feelings over and over again, with each press of your lips.

[robinismywifee]

in my room || pt. 1

pairings madly inlove!ellie williams x madly inlove!reader

summary based of the song, in my room by insane clown posse

warnings reader stalks ellie? just lowkey creepy reader, reader has trouble eating due to her mothers death, not much warnings for this chapter since its the backstory and how they met, but theres gonna be KINKY smut in the other chapters

a/n idk how many chapters this will be, 3-5?? its in 3rd pov with some flashbacks that are 1st pov and i really hope nobody has based an ellie fic off this song bc im really proud of it since it was my own idea lol, also i think for the next short fic i do its gonna be like an 80s camp consular thing if u guys want that??

wordcount 4k

part 1 - part 2 - part 3 - part 4

—

aime and ellie had been best friends ever since they met eachother. ever since aime first laid eyes on ellie, she knew she was going to be hers, ellie didnt even know she existed, but she was hers.

aime remembers the first time seeing ellie like it was yesterday, even though it was almost 6 years ago.

aime was walking down the road of jackson, walking down to get food, and stopped by the horse stables when she heard a mention of new people.

"yeah, apparently it was actually just tommys brother" the older male teenager said from inside the stable

"tommy has a brother? and he has a neice? i didnt know that, where were they?" the slightly younger, also male, teenager said, also from inside the stable

"no, the girl wasnt his kid, i heard her calling him by his name and tommy didnt know her, i dont know their relation but theres a rumor that they traveled from maine to here on feet"

"that's impossible, and why would he travel all those states with some kid? maybe he knew her mom"

"yea, i have no fucking clue.. hey give me a hand with this-"

and with that, aime was back on her feet, done with easedropping

hmm.. a new girl and a new man?

aime didnt know anything about it. she had just gotton back from sneaking outside the walls, only coming back because the empty feeling in her stomach was getting to hard to ignore

she walked into jacksons cafeteria, immediately spotting the back of girl with brown hair (with lots of red undertones) tied up into a ponytail, sitting next to a bigger man, aime immediately noticed the food the girl had stuffed into her pockets.

she walked quietly over and hid herself behind a pilar that held the building up, well not actually but in her little 14 year old brain, if that thick wood pilar were to be chopped off, the whole roof would come down with it.

she peaked over the piller, now infront of the girl, able to see her face.

and thats when she felt it. its impossible to describe with measly words of what she felt, but she just knew. she saw the girls eyes, she could tell from the meters away she stood, that they were the most beautiful eyes she's ever seen. they were green, the edges of her eyes lighter, more like chartreuse, but got darker in the middle, like a juniper green, and is that a mix of cedar brown in there too?

after getting lost in the unknown girls eyes, she moved her back behind the pilar, hiding herself completely, she couldnt help but a small smile forming. the bright energy she carried radiated off her. shes mine.

the day after, she watched out her window as the girl from the food center, which she learned by now her name was ellie.. what an adorable, name.. it suited her face so well.. escaped with one of the horses from the stables. she had watched as she rode off, peaking over her shoulder making sure nobody saw her leave, which nobody did, execpt of course aime, but aime didnt mind her leaving, because she knew she was to see her again, and would finally then introduce herself.

it wasnt for months until ellie came back. the guy who she came with, tommy's brother, which aime had also learned awhile backs name was joel, came back with her as well. they both were fearly bruised, scarred, but they came back.

her girl came back for her.

aime had lived in an empty house, it was small, only one floor, but it still had two bedrooms, but technically only one considering the other bedroom was boarded shut with wood and nails across the doorframe, leaving everything inside the room completely abandoned.

it was her mothers room. the same mother that had tought aime to kill every person in sight that wasn't her, no matter their pleads or screams, no matter if they did absolutely nothing wrong. if they breathed it was a threat.

it felt weird, after going her whole entire life of killing every single person without a second thought, to just.. not. to just.. let the strangers pick her up and drag her to saftey.

i cradled my mother that was covered head to toe in blood, holding her head in my lap, i stared blankly down at her, the emotion i felt was overwhelming, my vision was foggy, blurring, blackening, my chest was moving up and down rapidly, but my eyes didnt even near water.

my mom always had a lot of rules i needed to follow, and to never cry was one of them, she told me it meant i was weak, and it was a threat for our lives to be weak, to show emotion to others.

my ears also rung, i knew there was people around, their light beamed down onto us, i was waiting for them to shoot us, i mean, why wouldnt they? some girl comes to the gates of their community, skin and clothes soaked and covered completely in crimson red, matching the women she held as she collapsed to the floor.

but when my vison faded to black, the ringing got louder, and louder, until it was completely dark and silent.

2 days later, im sitting in a chair, leaned over, my elbows to my knees, hand cupped tangled into my mothers. she layed in the hopsital bed, tubes connected to her, a moniter beeping

i was inside a community. the community that i showed up to the gates. i had passed out, and they took us both in, immediately getting my mother that had a gunshot wound to the head medical attention, she's still alive, the bullet only grazing her, but not conscious, the doctor says its a coma, and she could wake up in one minute, or never, and theres no way to tell, and they also couldnt tell how messed up she was until she woke up. i had only passed out asleep, a really deep sleep from how exhausted i had been from doing all that running with no sleep for days and no food or water for too long.

me and my mother had to leave the cabin that we had been staying at since a horde of runners was coming through and we didnt have enough supplies to take them down, and while trying to find a new home, we ran into these guys, it didnt go well. but when i saw burning smoke from not too far ahead, i dragged my mother's unconscious body towards it, just in hopes that it was a community home to moral people. i had collapsed at the gates once i had gotten there, i couldnt even push out a single word, i though my mother had died,

i had broken so many rules. i trusted these people. let them take us in, i wanted them to. i asked for their help. i didnt kill them, i still havent killed them, i dont want to kill them!

the community is called jackson, aime had asked the guy, whos wife was basically the leader, his name tonmy, why he took her in, he asked why wouldnt he, and explained to her that her and her mother were no threat, and she was just a child, with her hurt mother that did no harm. he gave them their own home, aimes mother got moved into it too, still in her coma.

that was when aime was 11. her mom didnt wake up for almost 3 years, and when she did wake up, she wasnt good. it took weeks for her to gain full consciousness, and when she was fully conscious, it was only a week before she passed.

some stupid infection apparently.

then, 2 weeks later, ellie showed up again.

aime watched from her bedroom window as ellie and joel walked on the path, accompanied by tommy and maria. ellies eyes were empty, she didnt have the energy she radiated before, and aime was determined to regain her the energy.

aime had already planned out how she was gonna interact with ellie and how she was gonna get her to fall inlove. she decided on not introducing herself until a few days or maybe even a week after her arrival. ellie was already getting bombarded by everyone, so once everyone calmed down, aime was gonna make ellie speak to her first.

aime had spent the next 5 days sneaking around and.. well, stalking ellie. she needed to find out what she was like, what her interests were, her pet peeves, that kind of stuff.

ellie liked astronomy, books about space and planets, that type of stuff, were stored into her room on her shelf, while a half opened comic of ‘savage starlight’ seemed to be what she was currently reading. ellie liked to draw and write, even more if she was listening to her walkman during it, aime assumed that she used writing to get her thoughts out or maybe as a coping mechanism. aime had a strong temptation to sneak into ellies room and snoop through her journal and see what she wrote about, or to even check what music was in her walkman, but she knew that was going too far and if she were to get caught, it would ruin everything.

she also saw ellie talking to dina and jesse a few times. aime bit back her jealousy when she did, dina and jesse were dating and have been for awhile and so clearly are inlove with one another and aime shouldnt worry about them getting in the way.

aime didn’t necessarily have friends, she was really quiet, reserved, she wasnt even supposed to be in a community, ever, and under the circumstances of her mom, people understood why she wasnt bright and cheery. the only time she talked was when she was spoken to, but aime decided she needed to push past it, and finally become a real person. finally have a fucking personality.

a few months after aimes first arrival when she was 11, maria had talked to her about putting some work in, aime undertsood, as she was getting free medical care for her mother, free food, free water, free shelter, and agreed on it, at first maria put her on teaching the young kids how to read and write, but aime hated it, and begged maria to do patrol with the older teenagers, but since she was only 11, maria said no, and put her on teaching kids self defense. aime had tought the kids how to protect themself from others for 2 years before maria finally agreed for aime to do group patrol.

aime was the only 13 year old allowed to go on patrol, after maria had seen how good she was and after aime begging for years, she was the exception.

aime woke up early, gently brushing her hair till it was smooth and soft. she decided on folding the peices of her hair to make two french braids, her hair ending a few inches below her shoulders, from the hot and sticky weather. it was spring, and the weather had been unpredictable, going from rainy and gloomy one day to sunny and sticky the next. today was a sunny-hot day. she splashed cold water on her face, patting it dry, and applied cherry scented lip balm that glossed her pink lips and left a red tint.

her patrol group had rode past some old underwear store a few weeks ago, and aime had snuck behind the group, searching until she found a pair that looked close enough to her size. she wore the bra she had gotten from that day, pushing up her small breasts to make them look full, and put on a simple white tank top, just barley showing off her cleavage. she just wore regular jeans with it, they were dark blue, warn out, hugging her hips perfectly, the bottom of them got baggy, covering the hightop part of her converse. she should probably wear her boots today, it had rained a few days ago and would be muddy, but ellie wore her converse shoes everyday so aime would wear hers too, to match.

once the girl was ready, she stuck her lipgloss into her pocket just in case, and left.

“hey aimees! you’re up pretty early” jesse smiled, as he sat on one of the bar stools to the same cafeteria where aime first saw ellie. jesse was super friendly, he definitely would call aime his friend, if not, his best friend, but aime wouldn’t consider him her friend. its not that she didnt like him, she actually found him quiet amusing, but she wasnt really the people type and didnt like opening up to people.

“yeah, i woke up at 5, couldnt fall back asleep so i just thought i’d take my time getting ready and actually get breakfast for once” i nodded

“troubles with sleeping again? maria has pills for that i think if you ask her about it im sure she wouldn’t mind giving you some” he said with that look in his eyes that everyone else had been giving her lately

“jesse, stop”

“stop what? im just trying to help”

“yeah, thats the problem, i dont need help, and stop giving me that sad look”

jesse stayed quiet, aime left him, ording some food, once she had gotten it, she came back and sat down, staring at it. she never was good with eating, but ever since her mothers death, its been worse. she picked at the pancake with her fork. the only reason she had gotten food was because maria talked to her the other day about how she never eats and she asked her to grab food before patrol today, she said she would, and she alwyas keeps her word. she didnt think it would be this hard, but now that the food was infront of her, she felt sick.

“you okay?” jesse asked

“m’ great” aime hummed, slicing off a peice of pancake and shoving it into her mouth. she slowly ate, a simple conversation with jesse going on between, when suddenly he asked about her.

“have you met ellie yet?”

aimes eyes widened, but quickly went to normal. jesse didnt notice. “uh, no? is that the new girl?” she asked looking up from he food, she asked as if she didnt spend every other second of her day thinking about her. hell, two nights ago she spent, watching her.

“yeah, she’s actually pretty cool, and she said she would come here this morning and dina too, thats why i was here in the first place, they should be here soon”

“hm” aime hummed quietly, pretending not to care. jesse continued talking about dina, just him thinking outloud basically, until he stopped mid sentence to start a new sentence to new people- “oh! finally, i was starting to think you guys ditched me” jesse smiled to the two girls, aimes eyes were glued to her plate, only a few bites were left of her pancake and she only ordered one, and had been here for about at least 20 minutes.

“hey jesse!” aime heard dinas voice, the corner of her eyes she could see dina coming up to jesse to give him a quick hug, before she turned to aime

“hey aime! how you’ve been?” dina asked gently, aime rolled her eyes. she hated it. she hated the way people treated her. aime saw dina everyday, and dina always asked the same question as if it was gonna make her depression disappear.

“great” aime mumbled, ignoring her thumping heart of being only a few feet away from ellie

it was silent for a few seconds, “oh! aime, meet ellie!” dina cheered, how the fuck can she be this happy at 6:30 in the morning? everyday too. “hey” she mumbled, not looking at ellie at all. aime pretended as if she didn’t care. “uh, hi” ellie shuffled awkwardly from behind her

“come on aime! actually introduced yourself”

dina smiled, waiting for us to fully meet.

i hopped off my seat, standing only a foot away from ellie, we were about the same height, execpt i was a few inches taller

i smiled at her awkwardness. “hey ellie, im aime, i live next door to you in the wooden house” i lifted my hand out to her, she looked up to me, confused at my sudden change of personality, “hi..” ellie said quietly, unsure of what to say since aime already knew her name

aime looked down to ellies arm as ellie connected her hand to hers, aime felt sparks in her stomach, and ellie felt weird too, but she assumed it was just the anxiety of meeting a new pretty girl.

aime immediately felt worried for ellie as she noticed the white bandaged wrapped around her arm, she hadnt notice it before, from ellie always wearing long sleeves until now, aime let go of ellies hand, eyebrows furred, aimes left hand held ellies arm right beneath the bandage, while she reached out with her right and traced gently over it, “what happened? are you okay?” aime asked, her voice was calm, but panic was inside her

aime batted her eyes down to the girl, aimes dark brown, almost black, eyes met with ellies jade eyes. “oh, its just uh- a small wound from- a, from a knife, and its wrapped so it doesnt get in-infected” ellie stammered, aime watched as ellies eyes glued to the wood ground, and ellies cheecks blushed red

“that sucks,” aime started, she slid her hands that were on her right arm down to meet with ellies right hand, both of aimes hands grazing over her hand and brushing against her fingers, “i hope it heals fine” aime stood there for a few seconds, just playing with ellies fingers, “i gotta go,

group patrol starts soon, it was nice meeting you, ellie” aime smiled to her, dropping her hand and leaving, not even bothering saying goodbye to dina or jesse who stood there confused and shocked

once aime left the building, jesse and dina both looked at eachother, mouth ajar, ellie stood there, her thoughts racing over trying to figure out what just happened to her, surely she was like that with everyone?

“that was insane!” dina was the first to speak, ellie finally looked up confused, “what was?” she asked, jesse and dina looked at eachother once more, and back to ellie

“nothing, its just..” dina tried to explain but couldnt find the words, “shes never like that, i mean, her smile when she looked at you was genuine, she never smiles! and she continued the conversation? she never does, she always is super quiet” jesse explained better, “oh” was all ellie could say.

“hey, i thought you couldnt do group patrol until 16?” ellie asked, she wanted to do it but both joel and maria immediately said no. “yeah, you cant” jesse shrugged, “what? shes 16? you guys said she was our age” ellie asked confused, “no, shes 14, shes just the only one allowed to do patrol that young”

“oh, how come?”

“just is” jesse shrugged

the rest of the day ellie spent asking and asking jesse and dina questions about aime. ellie felt so intrigued by her and wanted- no, needed, to learn more about her.

the next day, after aime finished patrol, she layed on her couch, writing about a certain girl in her journal when a knock came to her door. she placed her journal down with the pen ontop, before walking over to the window, she peaked out, seeing jesse standing there, she sighed, unlocking and opening the door

“hey aimees, me, dina, and ellie were gonna hangout at my place, play card games, wanted to know if you wanna hang with, we can be as noisy as we want, my moms not home” jesse smiled

once aime heard that ellie was going, she knew she was going, but she needed to not seem suspicious. “uhh.. i dont know” she hummed, “come on, what were you even doing before?” he asked, peaking behind me, aime glanced over her shoulder looking at my journal on the table, “not much” she said with a shrug, “exactly! come on, go get your shoes on, ill be waiting, okay thanks!” jesse said, and before aime could reply, jesse grabbed the door handle and shut the front door

aime smiled, her plan working, she rushed to her bedroom, applying more lipgloss, and tying her shoes, she brushed out her hair, she kept on her pajamas, she wore a dark wine red hoodie, and black plush shorts

“jeez, took you long enough” jesse over exaggerated, “whatever, you’re lucky im going”

when aime showed up, she pretend that she didnt feel like she wanted to grab the nearest kicthen knife and repeativly stab dina in the chest. what did dina say that was so funny to make ellie grab onto her shoulder like that?

“oh! hey guys, hey aime! im glad you came!” dina smiled, aime gave a small nod with a small smile

“come on! sit, we have the cards ready!” dina exlcaimed, aime sat directly infront of ellie on the ground, jesse and dina next to me, as they started playing uno

“hey ellie” aime smiled, not bothering saying hi back to dina, everyone could already see blush forming on ellie, “hi aime” and with that they started the game

once it got really late, and dina had fallen asleep, aime decided that she and ellie were gonna leave, and they would finally be alone. aime stood up, not bothering to fix her shorts that rose up from sitting down, now exposing her ass. “its getting late, i have patrol early tomorrow, i should get going” aime said, looking down between jesse and ellie, ellie stood up too, “yeah, joel wanted me home by 10” ellie fidgeted her fingers looking at jesse and dina, they were both leaned against the couch still on the ground, dina asleep with her head on his shoulder

“all good, im getting pretty tired too, see you guys tomorrow, get home safe” jesse waved bye, aime nodded and turned around to leave,

knowing ellie was following behind her

ellie trailed behind aime, her eyes trailing to the loose hem of the girls shorts, she could feel her face getting hot

aime could feel ellies eyes on her, so she peaked over her shoulders, smirking to herself once she saw ellies eyes flicker around back to the ground as she pretending like she wasnt looking

aime stopped walking, waiting till ellie caught up to her until they were side by side

ellie kept her eyes on the ground, feeling embarrassed, knowing the aime had saw her looking. aime stared into the girls eyes

“has anyone ever told you that you have the prettiest eyes in the whole existence?” aime asked softly, ellies face grew even hotter, she took at least 30 seconds to reply as her brain malfunctioned. “no” ellie said softly, “oh, well you do, i could just look at them forever, theyre so easy to get lost in” aime continued, knowing it was making ellie incredibly flustered

“i- thank you..” ellie said in just above a whisper, about a minute pasted before ellie spoke up, “you have really pretty eyes too”

“thank you, ellie” aime smiled, ellie finally looked back up to her, smiled with her

after that, they chatted and joked until ellie stopped infront of her house, “do you.. maybe wanna come in?” ellie asked, fidgeting with her fingers, aime smiled, walked closer to the girl, and grabbed her hand and connected it with hers to stop her from fidgeting. “i would love to”

and from that day on, ellie and aime became best friends, always with eachother like they were conjoined twins

but it didnt end like that

[infamous-if]

You don’t need to post this but just so you know, it really does sounding like almost no one in the story who have witness to or have heard the MC’s work think it is very interesting at all 🫣, and just occasionally a person will randomly appreciate for some reason, such as Orion. I think maybe a lot of readers might had anticipated a type of MC that has the experience of undeniably suited for this and so on, in the way you have sometimes describe some others in the story, such as S

Hi ! Sorry but I'm going to post this mostly (and apologies that your ask is the one who is gonna get this long response, my ire isn't towards you because you're being very kind about it but others have, honestly, not been) because other people probably have this thought as well but I'm sort of confused on where this whole idea of MC being useless/untalented/not suitable is coming from?

I've said before there will be people who question MC's talent, but that's just natural--not everyone is going to think someone is worthy of their fame and attention. People thinking that there are better singers out there doesn't invalidate what MC is capable of. If I wrote a story where every person thinks MC is the greatest thing since sliced bread then that wouldn't be an entertaining story lol You need tension, and you need naysayers so every win can feel satisfying. Plus, doubters is a natural and normal thing in the business. MC is literally in a competition where other very talented bands are competing. Even though they're the main character, they're the main character of their story. Not everyone elses. Other bands believe they are just as deserving--if not more--of winning than MC's band. It's natural. To those bands MC is just another person they need to beat to win.

Seven being more famous doesn't mean MC isn't talented (the band literally voted for MC's vocals over Seven's). G being more famous doesn't mean MC isn't talented. Hell, if MC's band lost BOTB and went home empty handed, that doesn't mean MC isn't talented. It's part of the competition. Amazing bands and amazing singers get rejected all the time. There isn't room for everybody.

I do want to mention that people probably feel this way because I can not give concrete answers about an MC that is largely customizable. In the game, your MC can lack confidence. Or they can be arrogant. They can believe their skills are lackluster, or they can believe they are the best singer alive. People expect me to answer questions that have varied answers depending on what MC each player is playing. I can't give you that! I do my best.

Orion listened to MC once and quit his job to manage them.

2. August auditioned to be their drummer, and while August is largely indifferent, they admit themselves they were interested and they tell MC how good MC's voice is.

3. Maya is quite literally following MC's band around the USA because she's that much of a fan.

4. Seven dislikes MC, but Seven is not a liar: they will always stand by their opinion that MC is talented. That's one of the biggest reasons why Seven liked MC so much: their artistry.

4. This is spoilery but fuck it: G listened to MC once and wanted MC's band in BOTB.

idk why people think that people listen to MC and get bored when I don't think I've ever indicated that? The demo isn't even out lshshdhsahs

anyway this isn't an attack on you anon but it is kind of frustrating that people think MC is just this untalented fluke that didn't work hard to get to where they are today. Just as much as MC is yours, they're also mine, and I wanted to make it clear that MC isn't lazy nor are they someone who just does nothing and doesn't try. At least that part isn't customizable: MC works and has worked really freaking hard to be where they are.

sorry for the long response and once again, this isn't an attack on you, but this has been a topic in my inbox and i just dont get it--the demo is literally not even out.

[kaylonprimary]

.

i wish i had the capability of like idk how to describe it. emotional object permanence. the ability to feel like i exist and matter to the world even when people arent talking to me. im taking steps to rewire my thought processes now and am catching myself in the "no one likes me" thoughts and then reframing them as best as i can, but there's still that Empty sensation i cannot really describe in the absence of recognition, sort of like "if a tree falls in the forest but no one is around to hear it does it make a sound?" but the more borderline version of: "if i exist but no one is witnessing me, does my existence still have worth?" but also mainly "if i exist but no one is witnessing me, do i exist at all?"

and i think that if i was able to conceptualize that permanence i would probably be a lot less sad. i know people care about me and i love everyone else so much. i just have no ability to comprehend that i can exist to people in places i don't see, or that people remember me when i'm not around, or that i exist to others at all really. it's very much a personal self-worth issue, except... i've been depressed since birth so i really have no idea how to go about fully addressing this since it's the only thought pattern that comes naturally to me.

but also that's... like... the point of doing mental reframing of difficult thoughts and like doing your wise mind and your STOP skills and actively putting effort in to rewire your brain. which i am doing! i suppose i'm just an inpatient bitch though and i want the distress to stop Now, i want to be better at this than i am NOW. i want progress Now! which... lol. that kind of pressure is counterproductive to being kind to myself. also working on the "all or nothing no ability to exist with moderation or nuance in many aspects of my life thing" because that is ALSO an issue that interacts with the lack of emotional object permance in some very ugly ways.

anyway ever since i saw that post about how constant intropsection in unhealthy ive been thinking about it every time i make personal posts. i am Constantly thinking introspectively to my own detriment, but i dont have a Lot of other things to take up my time either kjnfjknrkf

[ostianshadow]

TOA Anniversary Munday!

Celebrating TOA and the people who contribute to make our group what it is.

Repost, don't reblog. Only fill in what you feel comfortable sharing!

Happy anniversary, TOA! Here's to many more years spent together.

Name: vicky (aka key or wkey)

Pronouns: she/her

Birthday (no year): jan 6

Where are you from? What is your time zone? french canadian. west coast best coast. pst.

Roleplay experience: idk since i was like 7? running around the neighbourhood w the boyz and gming our own little world of makebelieve… writing/online-wise, since around the age of 10-11 when we got a puter in the living room.

Got any pets? black kitty called cabbage i fostered and then adopted. she's no thoughts head empty and that's why she won over my other 16 foster cats. /hj

Favorite time of year: autumn-ish or spring. don't do well in the heat but sad makes winter bad.

Some interests and things you like: comics&webtoons, puzzle games (picross, sudoku, etc), ultimate frisbee, tennis, hiking, traveling

Some funfacts & trivia about you:

-prefer crepes to pancakes

-don't leave me alone with a box of ice cream sandwiches for the love of-

-past key has cumulatively drawn 500+ comic pages over the years (and misses it dearly)

-used to play ice hockey, played for bout 12 years. stopped due to injuries.

What non-Fire Emblem games do you play? ffxiv, zelda, tales of, undertale

Favorite Pokemon type & Pokemon: ghost, haunter

How did you get into Fire Emblem? smash bros /j i think my bro acquired a copy of fe7 and the rest is history

What Fire Emblem games have you played? 6 through current

First Fire Emblem game: 7

Favorite Fire Emblem game: hrkkk probably 7 but super fond of sacred stones n path of radiance too

Any Fire Emblem crushes? 😳

lmao

If you’ve played the following games, who was your first S support? Who would you S support nowadays?

- Awakening: mightve been chrom by accident n woulda been pissed about it. henry & gaius beloveds

- Fates: conquest- niles, birthright- azama, revelations- kaze

- Three Houses: was it claude or felix? idk but claude is def why i started w deer haha

- Engage: louis and lapis i married both that's my story and im sticking to it

Favorite Fire Emblem class: thief or mage

If you were a Fire Emblem character, what would be your class? probably an archer, or mage. miss me w close combat

If you were a Three Houses character, what would be your affiliation? hmm… i wanna say deer but probably beagles

If you were an Engage character, which Emblem would you Engage with? lyn. long distance pew pew goes brrrrr

How did you find TOA? kept seeing it on twitter from ol ferp mutuals and eventually caved

Current TOA muses: hector, matthew, azama

Who was your first TOA muse? If you don’t have them anymore, could you see yourself picking them up again? ewan. some days i think i could.

Have you had any other TOA muses? florina, henry

Do you think you have a type of character you gravitate towards? prickly, maybe. in general muses that allow me to explore… ewan is more outgoing than i will ever be, but lets himself feel petty or jealous. hector is brash, but struggling with an uncomfortable and unexpected weight on his shoulders. azama invites conflict like he needs it to breathe, while ive typically been averse to conflict. florina is timid but trying to grow stronger for her friends (and herself, she comes to realize). henry is… an oddball, idk how to describe what draws me to writing him. change of pace maybe? requires thinking outside the box with his unique worldview. i dont tend toward angst but matthew is a good output for it if im feelin it haha.

What do you believe you enjoy writing the most? i think i like. when threads start to come together. yknow in stories when you can start referring to things that have happened? and you're like "woah wait i know what that's referring to!!"

when you manage to reach a shared history ig? i know im p slow re. writing but i cherish the bonds and overarching/intertwined stories my muses wind up with. people you meet touch your life in ways you might not immediately fathom…

Favorite TOA-related memory: lots of lock & key justice shenanigans… bunker … enjoyed unscripted a whole heck of a lot as well

How do you pronounce TOA? 🤔 T-O-A. sounds fancier to spell it out haha

Got any delusions that didn’t see the light of day that you’d like to share? 😉 felix, ike, kaze, serra, sain, naesala, ingrid, eldigan, bramimond, lethe, shinon, kliff… not so much delusions as "might be fun to explore…" – and i wouldn't trade our current reps of the above for the world ✌️

[goat-shoe]

ok, i Rant time

ive been reading this fic Knowing itd be a mess and im just... ive had it with this characterization! aimless rant below ^^;;;

tw for bullying, harassment, abuse, homophobia

so a lot of highschool AUs are just..... Bad? like LOL sorry :x but. youre taking away everything interesting about the miraculous holders, And youre trying to make Fully Grown Adults into children. ??????

n e ways, i found this highschool dropout au,,, im Sure you can guess how i feel abt dugout and tiderdrop together, but personal biases aside (its Icky to me and someday ill figure out why)..... lets read this fic.

(to prove i am Not taking things out of context, heres the whole fic)

FIRST of all, youre ognna notice that the prose is Boring, written in long and uninspired runon sentences. i dont wanna just bash on an inexperienced writer, but if youre gonna be this lazy about it.. who is it for :x

second, headcanoning mariquitas name as the Only spanish name you can think of that starts with "mari"? is just uninspired. mariquita wouldnt Choose a hero name so obviously close to her Real Name.. again im not an unmasker, but this headcanon is ridiculous....

finally, and most importantly.... "he sighs wearily". umm, No actually. he Doesnt. you dont even get an insight into dugouts thoughts other than "im nervous about school >m<"

Needless to say, this and his whiny, whimpering demeanor is incredibly infantilizing,. Furthermore in this context, all it does is plays into the ""yaoi"" trope of a big buff bad big boy x boy who says uwaaah! (i hope it goes without saying, this is Not a condemnation of boys who say uwahh, yall are doing gods work and ily)

cramming tigerdrop and dugout into this trope comes off as (and actually is) incredibly homophobic and harmful. need i remind you, these are real people. i wouldnt be surprised if this author was a fujoshi or something too :x

anyways.

im a dugout fan Because hes reserved, but in this fic, thats being watered down to him just being sad and whiny.

its just so insulting to be written shrugging every 3 sentences. dugout im so sorry theyre doing this to you ;;;

guhh. ill give them points for this cute relationship with mariquita...

but again, the prose is just.. clumsy. and again, all dugout does is whine about change. its not even a realistic portrayal of adjustment disorder :x

speaking of disorders Lol,

we Know how i feel abt tigerdrop, but i tend to actually like fanfic portrayals of him.

but this one is just... Confusing...

(also we have mandatory "describe their entire outfit in vapid detail" LOL i should have made this a bingo)

i havent really been talking about the plot, but heres what it took the author two chapters to get through:

dugout it new in town, hes nervous about the changes. (we dont even know why he misses home??? just, make it up i guess, god forbid a fanfiction Make That part up!!!!!!)

tigerdrop has lived in new york all his life, and he appears to be pretty bored with life (ex: pushes pipsqueak over just because he thought itd be funny, no doubt an allusion to the canal street incident last july)

his characterization is actually really confusing and i think its supposed to be like, Alluring??? but its just disconcerting :x

thats It. Two established characters and empty conversations with others (the mariquita mischaracterization especially drives me up the wall ever since i confirmed my kin with her)

they meet in math class when dugout unknowingly sits in tigerdrops seat..... girl, Literally no one in high school acts like this.

at this point, this fic is no better than glee and the millions of other incorrect and careless portrayals of highschoolers. tigerdrop has some weird banter with the faceless teacher (yet Another reason i hate most highschool fics)

:/ i Kinda saw it coming, but....

tigerdrop apologizing and not meaning it? In character. But, hes just acting like a greaser, and its Weird

dugout wouldnt care! he would not look like "a deer in the Headphones."

i Realize the author doesnt have a beta reader but :x that doesnt excuse pawning off lazy work btw, in case anyone was wondering....

last but probably Most important: this is setting up such a toxic dynamic. tigerdrop is actively pushing the message that dugout is taking up too much space and he doesnt belong. its alienating and shitty. and this is a fic Shipping Them :x

but i Clicked on a dropout fic, so.... should i be surprised :/

like i said. dugout is Already afraid of him.. his body is reacting just to the sound of his voice, not unlike trauma in PTSD victims!

like. guh. this is literally so toxic. also..

take a shot every time you see the word "smirks"

lips ghosting his nose And ear? Lol.....

likely The Worst way to incorporate their miraculous personas :x reading this literally made me nauseous.

anyways.... thats all of the fic thats been posted so far. so to summarize: this is just Icky. its even worse, setting this kind of relationship in their high school years :x imagine if someone treated you this way! youre Not gonna grow up and marry them.

i Cant even.

~ ty for reading <3 ~

[u-look-beautiful-today]

I deff feel like this message will come across as kind of negative and i'm sorry in advance for that but I wanted to ask a wenclair shipper myself because...I'm not sure why so many people think this ship will be canon or even semi canon. For one, the showrunners have been obsessively talking about all the things they love doing with wednesdays character and they surely would have mentioned if they explore her in a romantic relationship by now (actually they specifically said the relationship of the season is mother/daughter) Not to mention netflix's god awful track record with LGBT ships. Again, sorry for the negative message but why do you guys think this ship will happen? Or is that you don't think it's canon and just like the idea of the dynamic? Because there's a similar one with morticia/debbie that isn't canon but I've seen people like them and even ship them in the past

Hey, not negative at all! I personally dont have much faith in Netflix but I love the dynamic that they have! I've been in many fandoms for a long time and honestly, I'm always so use to never getting canon ships. I was a Faberry shipper back in my Glee days and THAT was delusion. I expect the queerbait, the empty promises, the actors shipping them but it never playing out. I don't know how to describe it exactly. Like I make all these posts about them but I genuinely don't see ANY romantic relationships with Wednesday developing in season 1. I just like to attach to dynamics like theirs. Even if I know it'll never happen. It might be sad, but I've been doing it since I was 12! I grew up with ZERO wlw in anything. Now, I feel spoiled having She-Ra and Owl House, they heal the inner gay kid in me. But, I am still the pessimistic 25 year old and I know not to get any hopes up to see wlw representation.

And I can't speak for everyone. I don't know how many people truly believe it is going to be canon. Like I said, I don't think it will be, unfortunately. But, I've been around and I have lived off of fics, art, and other people making head canons, of ships that never, ever, sailed. I'll still carry on and ignore canon as I always have! It's not exactly about it being canon, sure that makes it sooo much better, but it's about their dynamic and the what ifs. Debbie and Morticia is a great example! The vibe is there. The looks, comments, Debbie being a killer is very appealing for Morticia. People ship it cause it's fun sometimes to imagine the what ifs. Canon doesn't stop us. That's why we have fics with AUs. We WANT to see this dynamic and since we won't ever see it, we will create our own out of it.

Now, if Wenclair does happen for some reason, then it's a win and it'll be a rare time I won't be disappointed.

I hope I answered your question, friend! If not, you can always message again or even dm! I'm always happy to answer!

[chimscake]

𝚆𝙷𝙰𝚃 𝙸𝚃 𝙼𝙴𝙰𝙽𝚂 𝚃𝙾 𝙼𝙰𝙽𝙸𝙵𝙴𝚂𝚃 𝚈𝙾𝚄𝚁 𝙳𝙴𝙿𝚁𝙴𝚂𝚂𝙸𝙾𝙽 𝙰𝚆𝙰𝚈

And tips on how to do it based on my experience

By now you should know the basics of manifestation and how easy and straightforward it actually is: saturate your mind, affirm, visualize and know that you have it.

This process is not the easiest for people who are met with horrible feelings such as emptiness, worthlessness and the feeling that no matter what, things can only get worse.

First af all, let me point out that if this is your case, your feelings are completely normal and you shouldn't blame yourself for the situations that you are currently met with. Be gentle with yourself, forgive the thoughts you had and the words you spoke, no matter how ugly they were: in order to leave this situation in the past you cannot hold grudges towards your own self.

Stop Identifying with what You don't Want

Take a deep breath. Inhale and collect in the air in your lungs all your worries and negative thoughts, to then blow them outside of you as you exhale. Decide that from this moment onwards, you will not identify as sad, depressed, anxious or any other negative state of mind that is ruining your perception of life. Manifestations boils down to self identification, you are what you think of yourself, and you have the ability to change your self concept whenever. Always keep this in mind.

You have to decide for yourself that you are not these ugly things anymore, that they don't define you anymore. And the best part is you do not have to wait around but you can start identifying with your perfectly mentally healthy self RIGHT NOW.

Since the day I decided to do this for myself, things have only gotten better and better. I will admit that there have been down moments where I needed to remind myself of who I truly was, but only in a matter of weeks you will naturally stop identifying with any negative state of mind.

I used to go to therapy because of my state of mind, but once I stopped identifying as someone who was depressed, I felt like I was talking about another person whenever I was describing my negative feelings to my therapist: those feelings I was describing weren't part of me anymore.

Stop Consuming Content that Glorifies Sadness and Stop Associating with People who do the Same

I cannot stress enough how important this is. If you tend to see content of this kind when scrolling through tiktok or social media in general, your natural reaction will be to associate with it and your mind will naturally go "i feel the same, i feel depressed and life sucks".

Turn it around:

"No, i dont feel this way, life is actually perfect"

"I control my own life so it is perfect"

It would be better to cut this content out completely, but in case you were to randomly encounter it, don't relate to it in your mind and don't identify with it.

Be Gentile with Yourself

Never be harsh and pretend too much. Always keep in mind that manifestation is instant and that the only one that can make things better is YOU, it all boils down to YOU.

But this isn't an excuse to stress: do what makes you comfortable and give yourself time to adjust to this change you are making within yourself.

Also always remember that even with the most perfect self concept ever, you are still going to feel just meh some days and that's totally fine, what's important is that you are always happy and getting everything that you want in your thoughts and imagination.

Thank you for reading and I hope this post has helped you, for any questions or anything else you can leave a comment or DM me.

Chimscake

[laffy-taffy-creations]

Day twenty FIVE EVERYBODY!!!!!

This fic was cross-posted on AO3 here

Compression Repression

Storm | Buried Alive | "They're not breathing"

Fandom: My Hero Academia

Words: 4,040

Warnings: Bodily harm, witness protection, implied background deaths

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had everything laid out. I’d infiltrate one of the Flare bases, let myself rest for a bit underneath the rubble for however long my body deemed, and report back to Voltluxe. I had been needing a break for a while, and something like this was sure to do the trick.

Scanning my eye, gaining access to one of the inner most parts of the building I plugged my hard drive into their servers.

They would be sure to notice this place going to the ground if I didnt do a bit of prevention.

“Okay, Donovan, you’re in their systems. Upload everything into our mainframe and make sure anything specific to here is backed up in my servers and they dont lose access. I wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise,” I talked to my AI and smirked to myself.

One of the screens turned itself on and lit up, showing the digital avatar I had built for him. “You got it boss,” he responded, giving a small salute through the monitor before the screen shut off and he did as told.

I took out the drive since he was now integrated into their systems, had full access to them if his ability to turn on the monitor without help said anything. I put te drive back into my pocket.

Making my way over to some empty rooms, the contingency was set in place. If anything happened and heroes found me, they’d believe me to be a hostage or captive.

I made sure my attire reflected that false belief.

Donovan’s robotic voice spoke in my ear - well, my earring communicators rather - to give me the green light. “Alright Clover, systems backed up. The transition from their servers being active to not should be seamless.”

I found a corner. An area that I could punch and trust the whole place to collapse.

I concentrated my strength. Cracks spread through the walls like flavourings and color spread through water, but much much quicker.

The sound was something I couldn’t even describe. Loud was the only name I could place on it.

And everything fell.

And all went black.

I let myself get crushed, knew my body could handle it. I knew this was something I could take. The dust and debris made it almost impossible to breathe. So I didnt. I would survive.

The darkness consumed. It was hot. But I was alive. And I could give myself a while to rest, physically, mentally. My lungs hurt, but that came with the choosing not to breathe, with being trapped almost entirely beneath rubble.

I let myself sleep.

“They’re over here!” I heard ever so faintly.

It was enough to have woken me up. “Good gods, how many things are they buried under?” The voice had changed, and it was closer now.

Heroes. Of course. Classic case of Murphy’s law.

At least we had set up a contingency.

The load on my back started getting lighter. And lighter.

“Okay, I think we’re close…”

I could practically feel where they were standing, now less than a foot above me from what my ears were able to determine.

The darkness got broken. “Found them!” the second voice cheered.

“Dont look too happy you idiot, they arent breathing!” the first voice shouted in concern, picking me up and running from what I could tell.

I forced myself to breathe once I was put in whatever vehicle they used to reach the base. It was rather obscure, that’s why it had been used as a villain base.

Some slamming of doors, clicks of seatbelts.

“That is them, right?” voice 2 asked.

“Well, the radar isnt showing any signs of said heat signature anymore, so I’d fucking think so,” voice one answered.

I cracked open my eyes, just a smidge. Voice one was a hero in mostly black, with orange accents. Voice two was a hero in green.

I shut my eyes again. Whatever we were in started moving.

And then I was in a bed at what seemed to be a hero agency. I sat up and stretched. I…didnt know what to do. There wasn’t much to do, now that I was under their protection for the time being, except wait for them to realize I was awake now.

After gods know how many minutes, I was terrible with time unless I had a clock nearby, the door opened to the green hero.

“Oh, you’re awake! Good, uhm… if you dont mind, we had some questions for you.”

Both of the heroes stepped in. Dear gods. Interrogation.

“Okay, firstly, do you know who you are?”

“Yes. Clover Donovan Morgan, quirk Regeneration, birthday November 21st, 2005, age 21, blood type O- with the things that make my quirk work also in there, born in Scotland staying there until about 4 years old and raised in America until-”

“Okay we get it! Onto the next question,” the blondie interrupted. “Do you know what happened at the site we found you? The villain base?”

I shook my head.

“Well shit…” I heard him mutter under his breath.

“Yeah, sorry, cant help you there.” I got up from the bed, ready to leave. I checked my pockets. Keys, Donovan flash drive, phone, and the cylinder that could expand into my scythe that I kept with me for emergencies. I started to walk towards the exit before one of them grabbed me.

“Oh, no no no no no, you cant leave!” the green one said, directing me to sit back down against my will.

“Why not?” I ased. I kinda needed to get back to Lady Voltluxe and tell her I completed my objective.

He pulled his hands away, “you’re currently going into witness protection. Or, rather, something similar. Those villains are really dangerous, and we have to make sure you aren’t kidnapped by them again.”

“It’s kinda of our job to make sure you remain safe for the next few weeks until we’re sure you wont be targeted,” the other one explained.

“Absolutely fucking not.”

“Sorry, corporate’s spoken. We’re stuck with you for the next 2-ish weeks.”

“Okay look green boy and blondie, I dont give a shit about what your bosses said. I’m not having two random heroes in my house. Hard no, now if you’ll excuse-”

“You dont know who we are?” the blonde one had confusion written across his face.

“No?” I was now also confused. “I dont keep up with hero stuff.”

“We’re the Wonder Duo?” greenie said.

“I just told you I dont keep up with heroes.”

“We’re both in the top fucking 10,” the blonde said.

I turned to him. “Look at me. Look at my face. Does it seem like I care.”

A sigh of annoyance.

“Anyways, I’m going home, and if I see either of you there, I’m calling the cops,” I smiled from behind my mask.

“Wont work. We’re heroes, and since we’ve been assigned to you we legally-”

“I’m not getting sued because one of you got hurt by my security system.”

Green spoke up, “I have yet to meet a security system we couldn’t get past.”

“That’s because plenty can get bypassed if you use enough brute force genius. I hear heroes are plenty good at bashing their way through problems on the off-chance I pay attention. So, yeah, I’d like to see you try, my security system cant be counteracted with force.”

“You know we can also-”

“Zip it. I have a life to get back to. One that doesn't involve heroes. Now leave me be, I’ve gotta skedaddle and make sure I’m ready for my meeting on…” I checked the date, “tomorrow.”

That should’ve been the end of it. It should’ve been. But it wasn’t.

I was unsuccessful at dissuading them when it came to following me home. I told them numerous times about how I was a hermit, had one of the best possible security systems, and how I wasn’t worth any villain’s time to kidnap otherwise when staying at home. Naturally I omitted the part where I was a very well-known, respected, and feared villain the likes of which had avoided hero detection to date.

It was green boy’s turn to watch over me first. Apparently they were going in shifts, so at least one of them would be out doing hero-work while the other watched over me.

“Okay, so uhm, where exactly- HEY!” I hadn’t even let him finish his sentence before taking both of the bags he’d brought and stomping up the stairs with them. I dumped them both in the guest bedroom before turning and going back downstairs to check on shit from before having been ‘kidnapped’.

The rats were doing fine and hadn’t killed each other while I was away, as well as the cat hadn’t eaten them. I probably needed to refill his food and there was a 100% guarantee he’d be all over me after having been gone for a few days. I needed to take out the trash because it would absolutely fill up quicker due to 3 people being in the house now, even if temporary and I knew I would not have the energy to do it after a day of dealing with said people in my house.

The hero currently on watch just stood around, a bit awkwardly. I still needed to decide on a dinner to make.

“Are you gonna be here at 8 o clock or are you gonna have switched out with the other dude by then?” I asked.

“Uhm… I think we’ll both be here, we weren’t scheduled for any sort of nighttime shifts, they just made sure our shifts didnt overlap for the next 2 weeks. Unless one of us is scheduled, we’ll be watching you,” he explained.

I sighed. “Alright, got any allergies?”

“No. And uhm, since apparently you dont know, I’m Midoriya,” he smiled and offered a hand.

I wasn’t going to shake it. “You already know my fucking name. Does the other guy have allergies?”

“That’s Kacchan, or rather Bakugou as everybody else calls him. And no, he doesnt have any allergies, but he does have preference for spicy stuff!”

“Fuck that. If he wants spicy stuff he can order his own, I’m not making him any and I’m not letting him use my pantry to make some.”

“You don't like spice, got it.”

“More than ‘don't like’ dumbass, I had my tolerance exploded off my tongue as a kid. You’re not getting any more info than that.”

He was quiet while I went around doing some chores and generally removing any signs I wasn’t there the past few days and set up something in the slow cooker so it’d be ready around dinner time.

I checked the time. It was about 11AM on a Tuesday. Brilliant. A regular civilian would be at work right now. “You better be damn lucky I work from home because I would knock you out if I had to be trailed by you at a public work place.”

He laughed sheepishly while I went upstairs to the home office I’d made for myself. What better time to get around to some of that file organizing I’d been putting off for the past week or so… At least it’d look like I was doing a normal job.

----《 ¤ 》----

“Okay, You’re gonna need to step out for this.”

The blonde dude - Bakugou, or whatever - glared at me with a brow quirked. “And why is that?”

“Because I have a meeting. Get out.”

“Nope.”

“I told you I had a meeting before you and greenie warned me I would be surveilled. Get out.”

“You cant have this meeting while I’m in the room? Dont worry, I wont talk,” he tried.

“Out. Now. I am an accountant, I handle very sensitive information that is specifically shared with me and only me. Leave before I force you to.”

“You know, you keep saying things about how you could fight someone off, but given that you were the one who was kidnapped-”

He was met with a very quick knee to the gut and my hand forcing his head down so he had to take it. I had been done with his shit before I pushed away from my desk.

I blocked his punch and threw him over my shoulder judo-style with a foot planted on his chest while he heaved. “You will get out of my office right fucking now before I throw you out. Final warning.”

He took a bit to catch his breath before contorting. I could tell he was going for a corkscrew style move but I wound’t allow it. I stomped on his leg while it reached up at me. The crack was a sound that couldn’t be ignored.

While he seethed in pain I hoisted him up by the collar, dragging him to the door of my office and tossing him against the hallway wall just outside, slamming the door and taking a sigh of relief. “I’ll heal you up after my meeting. I hope you’ve learned not to try shit like that agian,” I growled out through the door before going back to my chair.

I hopped on a quick video call with Lady Voltluxe.

“<Hello there Blackout, hope you’ve been doing well,>” the supervillain said from the other side of the screen.

“I would be if there weren’t heroes at my house that thought I needed protecting. Had to beat up the current one watching me so I could have this meeting in peace,” I told her.

“<How long are the heroes there.>”

“About 2 weeks is what they told me. Long enough that I’m not a ‘target’ of Flare,” I said, adding the airquotes for emphasis.

She took a sip from a tea cup. “<Pray tell how that happened…>”

“I was disguised as a civilian for contingency in case the heroes found me after destroying one of their bases. Turns out, they did. I did my best to make it seem like I was a simple hostage that had managed to survive, but apparently everyone in the building I had been ‘captured’ in was dead wasn’t enough to dissuade them. Sadly.”

“<So you got around to one of their bases? Which one?>”

“Donovan should have updated your records by now, it was site DS-3A4. I made sure there was a way Donovan could get into their systems and make it seem like everything was still up and running, I didnt wanna blow the surprise too early~,” I told her.

She smiled. “<Oh my darling child, you could run this place yourself~.>”

“Too bad I’m not your kid, huh?”

“<Ah yes, I rid myself of anything like that long ago. I am a Russian woman after all, when my last husband started stepping a bit too out of line no one questioned it when he died. Shame, he was rather good looking too. Any kid I had with him would’ve turned out looking half decent,>” she added.

“And full badass like their mom,” I joked.

We both laughed.

“<Alright, so no more missions for the next 2 weeks?>”

“No ma’am. And I have a feeling they’ll try listening in on meetings again, so move any formal stuff like that to 2-3 weeks from now too. I will likely spend a bunch of time fixing up the digital side of things and making/modifying a bunch of tech. Text or call, there is no way in hell those fuckers are getting access to my phone.”

“<Understood. Farewell.>”

“Byeee,” I said while ending the call.

I sighed, mentally preparing myself before getting up and going to heal the unwanted hero in my home.

----《 ¤ 》----

“Okay, I’ve got to go get groceries, stay here and I’ll be back-”

“Nuh-uh,” the green hero said. “Acting all casual about it wont fool me, I’m coming with. Orders from higher-up.”

Yeah well ‘higher-up’ can go fuck themselves. I sighed. “Fine. Go get ready.”

His eyebrows went up in surprise. “Well that was easy.”

I glared at him while walking to the entry-way where I put my keys. “I dont have the energy to fight you on this today. So long as you’re quiet and dont bother me too much, I’ll be fine.”

He smiled and got up from where he’d been reading on the couch. “Okay, ready!”

I looked at him. “Absolutely not.”

“Wh- what’s wrong with it?” He looked down at his outfit.

“It’s not the outfit- How are you the one protecting me if you cant even use basic logic?”

He was very confused, whatever he was saying got tuned at as I grabbed him by the arm and dragged him upstairs to my bathroom. I opened up one of the cabinet drawers, getting out some of my makeup. I did a test swipe on his skin.

“You’re a little lighter than me, but this should do. Unsure how much coverage it will be able to provide for those frec-”

“You are not putting makeup on me!” he shouted.

“Why not. Is it ‘too girly’ for you?” I mocked.

“No, I just dont wear makeup! Why do I need it anyways?” he shouted.

I grumbled and put it all away. “Fine, I can go about this another way. Stay here,” I instructed, marching to my room and going through my closet. I managed to find a plain black face mask, and a blue wig. Perfect.

I went back to where I’d left him. He’d washed the small dab of makeup off since I’d left. I shoved the two items at him. “Put those on and I’ll explain.”

The absolute bafflement was all but scrawled into every one of his features. Unfortunately for him, I didnt leave any room for debate.

He took the mask and wig and started putting them on while I spoke.

“Because you keep telling me about how well known you are, and the fact this whole thing is if I was a villain target, you need to do a better job at covering yourself up. If the villains truly were targeting me, and realized I was under hero protection, you guys kinda just shot yourselves in the foot because the second said protection is gone, they’d just go after me again. You cant be recognizable for this to work the way it’s intended you idiot.”

“I… didnt realize that. Thanks,” he said, having put both on.

“Dont fucking mention it, let’s just go.”

He followed me out of the house and to the shops.

“Okay, come on. Right there-” he pointed to a giant billboard “-you can literally see us promoted.”

“I dont look at advertisements. Especially the big billboardy stuff. I know what I need or want with out others telling me.”

“Yeah, I’ve kind of noticed that…” he said more so to himself than anybody.

He followed me through, weaving through grocery stores and tech places - I did have to explain I had an interest in tech - as well as the petshop to pick up some stuff for Emelie and Røskva.

On our way to the last store, Midoriya’s phone rang. “Hey Kacchan, what is it?”

“<Where the fuck are you two?>” I heard.

“Out shopping, Morgan here needed to buy some things. Why?”

“<I’m back at the house and tried to get it.>”

“Dont try to get in. You’ll just get hurt,” I spoke up.

“<Yeah, well, I already kinda ran into that problem!>” he shouted through the phone.

“Dont keep trying to get in. It’ll only get worse. My security system has the potential to kill if you’re really insistent, just stay there and wait til we get back, there’s only one more errand on my to-do list.”

“Your security system can-”

“Shut. Not a word. I’m not answering any questions.”

“<What am I meant to do until you get back exactly?>”

“Wait.”

“<And if my arm is bleeding?!?>”

“You fucking wait until we’re back so you dont end up more hurt you idiot, now leave me be if you want me to get there sooner!”

There was an aggravated sigh from the other side of the phone.

“Dont worry, we should be home soon, just hang in there okay Kacchan?” Midoriya said before the call ended.

The only things in my thoughts were how badly the security had gotten him and what kinda of damage control I’d have to do. He couldn’t get in via brute forcing it, but how badly had he tried to brute force it? What parts of the system would I have to put back in their place so they would be ready for next time someone triggered it?

I absent mindedly-put the things I needed in my bag, keeping everything else in mind, body on auto-pilot at this point.

I almost forgot to pay had green boy not pointed out something at one of the checkout lanes he’d be getting for himself. Thank gods he didnt see me almost accidentally steal. It had been enough to pull me back to reality, just for a bit.

Bakugou was sitting, cradling his arm, pissed as all hells when we got back.

“Oh my gods…” I heard under Midoriya’s breath.

The security system was pretty easy to see, what with the doors and windows being blocked out by panels of my own making, a spike outstretched from above dripping with what I could only assume was Bakugou's blood, the blue line light about the door being active. Plenty of spiked pillars that were capable of much more than just simple pokey shabby had risen from the ground surrounding the house.

There certainly were benefits to the accountantcy lie allowing me the supposed income for this. The upper-class house and property space could be explained with that too. “Alright, how much did you rile him up?”

Blondie answered, “Well it certainly-”

“Not you,” I interrupted. “Well yes, you, but not that way. I’m asking about my system, you idiot. I dont care that much about you past that gash on your arm.”

“What kind of an accountant has a fucking security system like this‽” he demanded.

“One that lives in an area desely populated with villains now shut up.” I walked up to the house.

Flipping up a small hidden panel by the front door, I took off my gloves and mask, typing in a code and entering it with my fingerprint. "Na di-chuimhnich an fheadhainn a mharbh mi. Na di-chuimhnich gu bràth cò as toigh leam."

All of the signs security had been on high alert vanished, and the door let itself be opened. I turned back to the heroes on my property. “Come in.”

I made an exaggerated gesture welcoming them inside before walking through and setting all the stuff I’d bought on the counter to be sifted through later.

I heard the door close and looked up, seeing them both now inside, some sort of awkward feel that I didnt understand but could at least sense. I had no clue what it was about.

“Alright, let me see that gash.” Blondie made his way over to me, resting the injured part of his arm in my expecting hand. I looked it over. Most was surface level, it didnt reach down to the bone, only tore through a small bit of muscle.

“Are you gonna explain?” he asked while I was healing.

“Explain what.”

“Your security system can kill. It requires a security code, voice recognition with a pass phrase, and fingerprint to fucking disengage.”

“I already told you. I live in an area densely populated with villains. I handle a lot of sensitive client information. I also have a rare healing quirk. What is so difficult to understand here.”

Midoriya spoke up, “I mean they do know how to fight…”

“What’s up with the basement, huh? Why aren’t we allowed in there?”

“Same reasons you aren’t allowed in my bedroom or office during meetings. Privacy is something I value for myself.”

“You have something to hide and I fucking know it,” Bakugou said, yanking his arm back once I was done.

“What I do isnt questionable. Your judgement and intentions are. That’s why you can kindly fuck off.”

At least save yourselves before you die at the hands of the people I visit with.

[fraener]

8/6/2024

first time in a long time that i feel like my heart is getting torn in two and so big itll burst at the same time. im so overcome by melancholy i can hardly breathe. moving more things in slowly to my new place, staying what may very well be the last night i ever sleep at my old place tonight. having my heart pushed by sam, slight and hopeful. i remembered this morning while perching on the windowsill that truly the thing that made this apartment special was i was never lonely. i am so, so lonely these days. im frightened ill get even lonelier. the light in the night from the stars and clouds is so bright at my new place, everything cast in a strange purplish glow. it felt good to be back, dear god. like everything is moving again after being stationary for so long. i feel like crying, i think i just might. i got the job at the ceramic studio, my schedule is so overloaded im not sure how to juggle it all. susan would be proud and mad at the same time, i think. theyll tell me i need to stop running i think. i dont know how to live a life not at full speed anymore, like im running down a hill forever these days. i am so incredibly indescribably crushingly lonely. how did i ever get by feeling this lonely i think its actually killing me. i want a reason not to work so much. i want a reason to look up from what im doing at my life. i want a reason for someone to come and peer into me like the mouth of a jar. i miss g sometimes, it feels like a strange dream now that we ever did what we did. everything feels like something im saying in a book whenever i describe the events of my life to myself to examine.

when is life not fiction? fiction makes things tenable. flashes of things like opening a box full of glistening copper cookware and spinning black wool barefoot in the yard while watching the poppy seedheads sway in the breeze and listening to c play accordion. the stunned pause i hear on the phone when i invite s into my bed, the flattened view of the white water tower on the east hill against the greying sky from my windowsill. blackberries and pale apples so wan theyre almost white. indigo staining my fingertips and nails, indigo tied around my neck and growing in cups on my kitchen counter. indigo and saw in my dreams. feeling a little trapped again. i dont know how to make room for my relationships anymore...and ive noticed i dont want to make room for them when they arent giving me what i want. if i lose interest they immediately become less of a priority to me. i feel bad for my fickleness, i feel bad for my inattention, i feel bad for my standoffishness and moods- i try to remind myself that there isnt an inherent morality to those things and i want to be given something to stay for. ive been thinking and not thinking of h telling me we wouldnt be together forever. hes always trying to walk it back since he said it but i cant stop thinking of the fact that he brought up wanting to have kids so many times in the course of our relationship. i wanna let my heart break how it needs to. i wanna let go and i want someone to catch me on the other side. i know i can do numbers in this town, im so much bigger than this place. i am so other in so many ways to this place. i think i should start going out again and i should flirt with strangers and laugh and feel myself. i think i should keep at least two days off in my schedule a week if i can. ill cook a lot again in my new kitchen, i like it so much better than ive ever liked this one. kitchen window! i will miss my apartment more than i can even comprehend right now. already though its begun to feel like everyone is filing out and turning empty. i love doing the dishes before bed or before leaving the house. i love eating breakfast on my porch. i love the walk and bus ride to town. i love my proximity to the forest and the beach. i love the quiet and unsettling hum of the west hill. i dont know where ill go next or who i will meet or who i will love. i wish in some ways it was a cleaner slate, like that first summer here. everything changed and no longer in its place. i had a burning freedom that shifted something deep inside of me. i wish i didnt still think of him as the arbiter of that moment in time, i was my own agent...we were agent to each other. i miss dreaming of nyc. i am still so wrapped in my desire to prove myself. i am so wrapped in my desire to outcompete my rival affection. just another flagstone to tap my toe against as i push off. im gonna go for what might be my last walk tonight. maybe ill try and do the full circuit, maybe ill be too tired. i wish s was still awake. i know ive got to just go and cry by myself though. i dont know who to share my heart with anymore. who can look into this and understand me? it feels good to write something, even brief. it is all bitterly long and brief.

[gryith]

Breath of the Wild: 'great game! Bad Zelda...'

Really frustrates me when people use the phrase 'great game, bad Zelda game' to describe Breath of the Wild, because to me that's just categorically wrong. I'm not even doing the 'Zelda has always had drastically different gameplay and atmosphere' take, in fact I'm taking that further and all the way back around.

Breath of the Wild is closer to games like the original Legend of Zelda and Ocarina of Time, the cornerstones of different eras of the franchise, both in game design and feel/atmosphere, than any other game in the series. You're seriously, with a straight face, going to tell me that Twilight Princess or Skyward Sword feel more like the original 1986 game than Breath of the Wild?

I'm saying this from a relative position of knowledge, too, I've played every single game in the series and I genuinely hold firm that BOTW is more true to the franchise's roots than Spirit Tracks and The Minish Cap, and I genuinely can't understand how you can think otherwise.

The first thing that comes to mind is that it's a full open world game, as opposed to the 'open level' design of previous titles, mostly relegated to the odd side area or breif backtrack. But even then surely it's impossible to feel like going open world is anything more than a natural evolution of a series that's clearly been aching to let you explore it's world for multiple decades?

Let's look at the arguments often used, then, shall we? The biggest being the changing from the typical structure of having you go to four temples to amass enough power to defeat Ganon. Instead, this game has you... Go to four temples to amass enough power to defeat Ganon.

Now, to be fair, these temples, or divine beast, as they're called here, do all suffer from a major case of aesthetic monotony. Whereas previous games all featured temples that would always feel hugely different from one and other, here they all look basically the same at a glance, this is a major problem, however it is purely and only a problem with the aesthetics of the temples. Beyond a breif glance, each temple has their own unique mechanics and systems that divide them, they all have unique puzzles and bosses, and they even take the same ammount of time to beat as a temple from one of the previous games, though with the aid of a smoother gaming experience thanks to some more modern controls and design.

The idea that the divine beasts 'dont cut it' as temples ends up feeling like a shallow scapegoat in lieu of any real criticism of the game itself, so let's look at other criticisms often levied against the game...

Firstly, the weapon segregation system. I get this one, some people just don't like having to think in their games, they like to press the buttons when they're told to press them on screen and not have to think critically about combat scenarios. Sometimes I like to lay back and take it easy when I'm gaming, too. However, not only does this system force you to expand your options and try new ways of approaching combat and weapons you can use, but the entire world, enemy health and AI, and the structure and layout of encounters is built around this system. Without it, the combat would be boring, it'd be the same 3-hit combo plus jump (with a dodge) the series has been coasting off since the last time the game returned to its roots and did something new built off them (Ocarina).

So this, too, is an empty criticism, and at this point I start to wonder if the people saying this ever even liked Zelda to begin with.

One criticism I've heard just one time was that the story in this game isn't as engaging as in previous games. I don't know if I can even comment on this because it is a comment the bewilders me; Zelda is a series that famously is light on story, it's a frequently made joke about the series that the story is just an excuse for a save-the-princess adventure. Were you really playing Ocarina or Wind Waker and getting invested in the story? If so, good for you, but I just can't imagine it... Even in one of my favourites, Majora's Mask, the story is only interesting when it's actually happening, which is for about 10% of the game, when skull kid is on screen, the rest of the game is just 'interesting enough' busywork to get to that point, as with basically every other game in the series. Admittedly, the series got better with time, Skyward Sword had entertaining character dialogue, and there were plenty of points in Twilight Princess where I became extremely engaged with the story itself and the characterisations of certain characters, but to say that Breath of the Wild; which consistently gives you more story and builds the characters more than almost every other game in the series, is somehow lighter on story than its predecessors is frankly laughable.

And now I'm out of points, I've not heard any other major or salient arguments as to why this is a 'bad Zelda game', it's just nonsense, but seems to be an opinion held by a large majority of terminally online gamers with a tendancy towards elitism. A lot of people I know personally even hold this belief, and it just doesn't hold water no matter how I've had it spun for me.

It's strange, in a year when Mario Odyssey took the modern Mario formula and built upon it, moving even further away from the original vision for the series, BOTW made a shift back towards the cornerstones of the entire franchise, deconstructed the whole formula and rebuilt it from the ground up, better and truer than ever. Yet somehow people still say, every time the game is brought up, a sad line made up by YouTubers and video essayists; 'great game, bad Zelda game'

[notahorseindisguise]

ive actually had a good grasp on the concept of cosmic horror since i was a child.

i once had a dream where i was in a blank, empty, dark void. there was nothing anywhere, expcept for one thing. it was about 10 paces ahead of me. i cant picture what it looked like, but im sure if i saw it in a drawing or something, i could point it out.

ill try my best to describe it: it was a mass of long, endlessly long, deep, red tendrils. they werent static, they were sort of, pulsing a little bit, but it was barely noticable (i only noticed because i saw it many times - ill get to it later). not only that, but they were crawling over each other, as though in a hurry to get somewhere else in that pile. those bloody tendrils just, get squirming over each other, but the pile never moved. i think, looking back at it, it may have only been one long limb, writhing and squirming all over itself, but of course, ill never be sure.

at some point in the pile, around the middle, the limbs started to go up. like, they went up, and came to a head to support an eyeball. an eyeball bigger than my head. it was white, but bloodshot. veins were visible in it.

now, when i say the eye was white, i dont just mean it was white around the edges of it. i mean the eye was fully white. pure white, with the red arteries obviously just below the surface of the eye. it wasnt always like that, actually. one day, a couple months later i came back, it had a pupil and an iris and everything. at that point i wish it actually didnt have that, and it was back to just the white eye, because, i don't know how to explain it, but i know for a FACT that it had my eye. that was MY EYEBALL jammed haphazardly inside its, for lack of a better word, "face". my eyeball. that always creeped me out.

something you need to know about me: i have aphantasia. i cant picture things in my brain, like, at all. so most of my dreams are pretty boring, without detailed imagery.

something else you need to know about me: these dreams were different. they were super detailed. i felt like i was there. i could remember them vividly. i still cant picture what happened in the dream cause aphantasia, but i remember it being so much more vivid a dream than any id ever had - or ever would, honestly. so i can describe it pretty well.

how is this cosmic horror? well, let me explain the contents of this dream. i was standing there, a bit in front of this creature, looking at it while it looked back at me. i didnt say anything. neither did it. eventually i tried to walk backwards, but the thing just followed me. i didnt see it move at all though. i tried to turn around so i could run away, but it just stayed directly in the same place in my view. but it didnt move. it was like - you know when you look in a light too long, and you see the little dark specs? but since they are in your eye, rather than being an actual object, they stay in the same position of your view no matter where you look. idk if i explained that well, but thats what it was like. it always stayed in the same place.

thats not true actually. the first time i had the dream, i took a step towards it, expecting it to move back. suddenly it was 9 paces away. it didnt have a mouth, but i knew it was smiling, and despite my terror, i was smiling too. i didnt want to smile, i dont know why i was smiling. next time i had the dream, it was still only 9 paces away. i decided to never do it again. until 3 or so months had gone by, and i started feeling comfortable in this landscape, probably too comfortable. i took another step towards it. for the rest of the time i had that dream, i was only about 8 paces away from it... thats, thats actually around the same time it got the eye, i think.

this dream, as ive alluded to, wasnt just a one time thing. it was a terrible recurring nightmare that i had every couple of days for ages. i havent thought about it in ages, im honestly worried that bringing it up might make me have the dream again.

around the 3rd time i had it, my habit was just to stand still and wait for it to be over. got in a few staring contests with it (it didnt have eyelids - it won). but eventually i decided to say something. "what are you?" i called out to it, honestly, scared of how hoarse my voice turned out to be.

it didnt have a mouth, so i thought either it wouldnt respond, or itd do that thing from books where it speaks directly to my mind. it didnt though. its voice definitely came from it, although i don't know where. its voice sounded like, well, just a persons voice. i dont know what the voice was. didnt, anyway. this is the most ive thought about this dream in ages, and now im thinking about it, it was my voice. not my squeely 5 year old voice, the voice i have right now, or maybe a little deeper, as though it matured. it took its voice from me as an adult.

"what are you?" i asked.

"a dream." it said. it laughed. "...by choice."

i didn't talk to it more that night.

the next time i tried to talk to it, i dont know when it was, i asked "what do you mean?" i was asking what it meant by being a dream by choice. i thought maybe i was being too cryptic, but somehow it knew what i was referring to.

"i could get out, if i wanted. but this is more fun." it said. that terrified me more than anything. i knew this being was capable of entering my real world, even though it knows it doesnt exist in the real world. it had that power, its just toying me.

the last time i tried to talk to it, i asked "what do you want?"

it laughed. "come here, and ill show you."

despite that kind invitation, it already had what i now know is my voice, and my eye, so i did not walk any closer.

i dont know if it had a name, i never asked, but i remember giving it a name. i wanted to think of a name that embodied how bad it was, just the pure evil energy coming off it. but nothing i thought of had the right evil energy. i know its not creative, but i called it "Evil". i dont know, it seemed to work. i just couldnt think of anything worse than it. i didnt think that i named it after the concept of evil, i thought the concept of evil was named after it.

i think thats all the information i need to give. it really scared me as a kid. i had this dream for ages. i dont know if Evil was a demon or what, if it actually existed, but that didnt matter, because i imagined it with the power to break out of dreams, which means it could if it wanted to.

my main fear in posting this is that, maybe now it'll be in your dreams. and im so sorry.

[celestialcarousels]

honestly, i have so much to be thankful for in my life. i have a good life rn, the people i love are in good health and they're happy, we're not struggling financially, we're lucky to live in a really safe, clean, cute suburban town where everything is peaceful and i can walk around my neighborhood all hours of the night feeling nothing but peacefulness, i have the support and unconditional love from my parents, my siblings adore me and they're the sweetest (although sometimes a bit too clingy lol i literally cant go to the bathroom sometimes cause they dont want me to leave their sides omfg), i met a lot of amazing people in 2017 who i'd rather not talk about too much because the evil eye 👁 stays watching LMAO and i'd rather not sabatoge a good thing by being too hopeful and talking too much about them cause you never know when shit can turn sour lol anyway, i got to thinking about how good my life is right now since today is the last day of 2017 and i keep looking back at all the amazing memories i made (concerts, taking a spontaneous road trip to the santa cruz boardwalk with one my great friends, going to universal studios/ exploring LA, finally allowing myself to make deep connections with people for the first time in YEARS, etc.) and honestly 2017 was a really good year for me. a lot of bad shit happened obviously cause life isn't perfect but i'm a very strong person tbh and i powered through the tough times with ease and any time i came across a ''bump in the road'', it just made me a stronger person. I dropped multiple people who i felt didn't deserve to stay in my life any longer and GUYS do you know how fucking amazing it feels to have absolutely no ties to people who you were questioning for awhile?! IT FEELS SO DAMN GOOD it feels like such a powerful cleanse, i feel so much happier not having them know a single thing that's going on in my life. Ooh on that note, i managed to stay off every single social media platform other than tumblr for the past YEAR and i've learned to truly value my privacy and i appreciate my life a lot more than i used to when i would post constantly about my life for all the world to see LMAO i found so much inner happiness in keeping my life private and literally no one (besides people on tumblr) knows what the fuck is going on in my day-to-day life and i'm going to keep it that way for a very long time. I have all the pictures of the amazing memories i've made saved into my phone for no one else to see but me and the people i love and it just feels so good lol. anyway, this year was such a great year overall for me and i can't wait to see what 2018 has in store for me 💖

[reidyoulikeabook]

Right Where You Left Me

Ship: BAU! Gender Neutral! reader x Spencer Reid

#Request - Could you do some angst with “you dont deserve my forgiveness?” Any ship!

Word count: 2.2k

Warnings: Mention of death, violence, injury (not serious), angst, mourning, a lot of tears. Also, swearing, anger, fighting (verbal, not physical.)

Summary: You and Spencer Reid had been together for a year before he ‘died.’ You grieved him. You mourned him.

A/N: Title stolen from my (current) favourite Taylor Swift song. Not sure how I feel about this one but! Here it is anyway! My requests are open & pls feel free to let me know what you think!!

14 days and 30 minutes exactly

You don’t think about the day Spencer Reid died. You can’t, because even remembering he’s dead feels as if an ice bucket has been tipped over your head. Not even now, two weeks later, have you really gotten over the initial shock that you felt. Every waking moment felt like you were trying to solve some kind of never-ending puzzle. Each emotion was overwhelming, too much to process. It felt like things would only start to get better, like everybody promised they would, when you started to be able to name the emotions rather than describe them as the physical sensations they brought on.

And you didn’t think that’d happen anytime soon.

The shared apartment was too much. You hadn’t slept in your bed since he’d been gone, and forbid anyone else from going into the bedroom. It was a sanctuary.

You understood now more than ever why victims families never changed a thing about the room of their loved ones. Every single thing felt deliberate. Theirs. It was a reflection of the time they were most alive, living. A unique snapshot of them in motion. The mess they left that they expected to come home to.

Rationally, you knew that wasn’t true. There wasn’t a sock hanging off Spencer’s bedside table, or a clean cardigan balled up on the floor, for any reason other than he’d been in a rush that morning, and had left an uncharacteristically large mess in his wake. In more ways than one.

***

2 months, 5 days, 8 hours

Being back at work helps somewhat, but the office feels empty without him there to ramble off factoids about anything and everything, to hear Morgan calling him ‘kid’ every five minutes. He only called you that now.

Simmons is nice, really he is. It isn’t his fault he’s there in place of Spencer and you try hard not to feel personally aggrieved by his presence. He doesn’t do anything to antagonise you, he stays out of your way more than anything. You don’t do anything to purposely make him uncomfortable: you do try to be agreeable and make small talk. But it’s hard not to look at him without thinking how, if everything was how it should be, Spencer would be stood in his place.

***

3 months, 26 days, 3 hours.

There is no ‘new normal.’ You’ve heard the term tossed around a few times in relation to grief, but if there is a new normal you’re still struggling to find it. When you’re not on cases, there’s no ‘normal’. You still don't sleep in your own bed. Sometimes you stay on Rossi’s, or Morgan’s, or Garcia’s couch. Sometimes, read: maybe once, it’s in the spare room at the place you and Spencer used to share. Sometimes, when you get worried about being a burden, it’s a hotel. It’s easier to feel as if you’re choosing to stay away from home, rather than acknowledging that home, as you understand it, no longer exists.

You still wake up and instinctually search for Spencer most mornings. Sure, work is keeping you occupied and you smile a little more these days. You even allowed yourself to be dragged out for drinks last weekend. But nothing feels like it should. You don’t know if that’s normal for grief or if you just aren’t moving forward at all, doomed to tread yourself deeper into the melancholic quicksand that’s got a hold on you.

You talk at length about it with Garcia over wine one night.

“Nothing feels right,” you admit, “Everything just feels...”

Garcia waits, just tipping her chin slightly to encourage you to continue. She’s got the counsellor act down and you’d have the decency to feel embarassed if you weren’t just so damn exhausted all the time.

“I feel trapped, I guess. Like I’m frozen. I keep thinking maybe it’ll get better once the trials over. Once the whole legal aspect of it is over and put to bed, then maybe I’ll have some closure on the whole situation,” you mumble, “I just don’t know how to move forward. I don’t feel like I’ve moved forward. And I know it’s only been three months but I’ve only stayed at our apartment twice and I can’t bring myself to move any of his things and...”

She just waits. In that moment, you’re so grateful for her.

“I’m stuck here. I can’t change anything. I can’t bring myself to move any of his things. I’m paying rent on a place I don’t live in but I can’t move because how can I live somewhere he’s never been? I feel like I’m stuck. I can’t move out of the world he lived in but the world is moving on even without him. And I’m just...I’m just here, Garcia.”

She nods sympathetically, placing her hand on your arm, “Maybe it’ll help when the case is wrapped up. When you have that closure.”

“Yeah,” you agree, “Yeah. I hope so.”

“There’s something you’re not saying,” she says, gently, “And you don’t have to say it. But if you’re holding back because you feel guilty then you don’t have to feel guilty about anything you say to me, my darling.”

You start to well up then. The pressure in your chest is heavy, something akin to guilt. It slices into your chest, cut glass sitting between your ribs and slicing you open every time you breathe in. You’ve been thinking it a lot lately. Too much. It’s making you feel awful and you can’t decide if putting it out into the world verbally is going to be a release or make it feel too real.

Garcia waits patiently.

You decide to believe it’ll be the former, then whisper, “I wish I loved him less. I wish I’d loved him less so this wouldn’t hurt as much.”

And then the sobs come. The sobs that wrack your chest and sting your eyes and leave you looking like you’ve been on the receiving end of an upper cut. Because how could you? How could you possibly want to take back any of the love you had so willingly, freely, given to the person you loved most? What kind of person did it make you to want to take back the good memories: to wish that instead of having waffles on the couch that last Sunday, you’d had a fight about the library fine he’d gotten because of you? How could you want to switch the puzzle pieces to create a less idyllic picture of your life together, just so you wouldn’t feel so much loss when you looked at it?

She just rubs your back through it, knowing that no words can help but still saying the thing she thinks you need to hear most, “That doesn’t make you a bad person, sugar plum. That makes you human.”

***

4 months, 6 days, 14 hours.

Hotch calls you all into the briefing room.

“A few months ago a decision had to be made. Somebody had the potential to make an incredible breakthrough on a case that had been airtight for years. But it wasn’t possible for that individual to complete that work without cover. They needed to be officially gone,” Hotch’s voice booms but you swear you can hear a hesitation, “It wasn’t necessary at the time for you to have that information. Providing you with it would have compromised the safety of one of our agents, and the integrity of their investigation.”

You glance around the room, confused, noticing everyone is sharing the same bewildered look. Except Emily.

“I apologise completely for having to keep this from you, it was a decision that was not taken lately, and I did not have the final say. That being said, any discontent about this decision should be directed towards me,” he glances towards Emily, and she’s looking nervous now.

Hotch lets out a huff, somehow more tense than usual, “SSA Reid was not killed after the attack in Seattle. That was his cover, but he was investigating a case.”

He’s still talking but you can’t hear anything. SSA Reid was not killed. SSA Reid was not killed. You flip the sentence over a hundred times. And for the millionth time since SSA Reid was killed, you have no idea what you feel.

There’s uproar from everybody. Shouting. And then Hotch says something and everybody is looking at you, scanning you for a reaction and you have nothing. Nothing at all.

“Hi,” a voice from the doorway, nervous and shy, a voice you’ve only heard in dreams and voicemails and recordings from nights out that you must have watched hundreds of times by now, if they were tapes you would have worn them out long ago.

And you know you can’t face him. You can’t face any of them.

You look around the room, first at Hotch whose eyes flicker with what looks like remorse. Then, at Emily who just looks guilty as all hell. You don’t look at him. You can’t look at him.

The tension in the room is palpable but in your peripheral you see Garcia and J.J flock to the doorway, embracing him.

Rossi, is the one who comes to you, “____?”

You stare at him, completely blankly, “Yeah?”

“You need to speak to him. Need to hear him out.”

“Yeah,” you murmur, allowing him to help you to your feet. His reassuring hands on your shoulders turn you around and you meet his face. The face of the boyfriend you spent the last four months mourning while everybody watched you fall apart. And half of them knew.

So that’s what you feel. Anger.

“Glad you’re back,” you snipe, pushing past him, “Glad you’re alive.”

Everybody watches you go. A tense silence fills the room. Spencer clears his throat, after what feels like an eternity, muttering, “I-I’ll go after ... I’ll go and see if I can...”

It wasn’t the reaction he was hoping for, if he’s honest. Although he wasn’t sure what exactly he’d been expecting.

“____ please, just let me talk to you, I’m sorry, please just let me have a chance to explain,” He manages to catch you at the elevator just in time, slipping through the gap with his lithe body, “Please. I need to explain. I need to apologise.”

“You can apologise as much as you want. You don’t deserve my forgiveness. You’ll never deserve my forgiveness.”

The venom in your tone leaves him floundering.

“___ please,” he’s begging, and you won’t look at him because you can hear the tears in his voice and he’s begging again, “Please, please look at me, please listen to me. You have to understand, you have to give me a chance to explain, please.”

You’ve never been this angry at him before. But you are now. It consumes you, you’ve never understood a crime of passion before and you’re not going to put your hands on him, of course, but fuck do you understand it now. How a person could just snap. The rage swells in you, screaming. Every muscle in your body is tense. It takes all you have to ball your hands into fists, digging your nails into your palm so hard you’re sure they break the skin. You’re furious. Furious at every single one of them.

“You lied to me,” you spit, “You lied to me and let me think you were dead. You and Hotch and Emily. I didn’t sleep in our bed for four months, Spencer. I’ve spent the past four months frozen, like, I couldn’t move forward without you. I didn’t start to move on. I've spent the last four months falling apart and trying to find a way to put myself back together without you, and then what, you just come back? You think we can just go back to normal? Spencer, I didn’t feel alive this past few months. I’ve been floating through, barely keeping it together. And for what? A case? That was important enough for you to do this to me?"

It’s true, you’ve spent the last four months feeling like you were the one who died. That you were united in being ghosts, except you were haunting all the places you used to go together, and he was just haunting your dreams. And he’d been alive. This. Whole. Time.

You storm out of the lift, lifting your head to look at him for only the second time in four months, “Please. Just leave me alone. You’ve done enough.”

He knows you aren’t wrong. Knows he doesn’t know if he could forgive you if the roles were reversed. Knows, more than anything, that he’s really fucked things up. You’ll never forgive him. That’s what you said, and right now, seeing anger like never before in your eyes, he has no reason whatsoever to doubt that isn’t completely true.

You don’t even make it to the parking lot before you feel your resolve melt into absolutely nothing. Anger descending into relief, hot tears cascading down your cheeks as the mantra starts again on a new loop in your head: SSA Reid was not killed.