#dude I cannot BELIEVE the movie actually got produced

[anchovy]

The new dear David trailer

[thespoonisvictory]

i agree with how wilbur and tommy are currently the deciding factors in the smp! i do believe there's a very high chance for a wilbur lore boom during the summer as album stuff gets smoothed out (writing and recording a bunch an album will take way more time then processing and mastering it, for example) and i can also imagine a dip in content around july that swings back august-september, like what happened before the elections. i do feel like wilbur and tommy do really enjoy the smp story so far and will put in effort for it, and tommy could very easily bring back the daily semi-lore type content in the future months, once the initial vlogging hype dies down. i also think tubbo and ranboo have very good potential to rope people into semi-lore. there's some people i cannot imagine getting as involved with the lore anymore, and some who really depend (like if the syndicate manages to drag itself back, i can see niki rejoining the lore). and yeah technoblade is really a "if he wants to do this," since we don't really have a solid idea, but if a semi-lore wave comes back it opens a big spot for him and how he prefers to do light-hearted stuff. i feel like quackity is really going to be the lore "meat" for a bit, having a bunch of the heavier stuff. i feel like what's really dragging down the smp now is how spaced out everything is and where the semi-lore return would really benefit the server. i also agree with you that quackity very likely might burn himself out on content soon. i think he could really benefit from showing up on others streams to further lore (like on fundys) instead of shoving a bunch of things into a highly-produced stream, similar to other "villains" like schlatt and wilbur. i appreciate what quackity's doing rn a lot, but i think there needs to be another "threat for threats sake," like schlatt and the eggpire. a villain that's more traditionally lighthearted, with quackity being the darker side of "villainous" lore (see: schlatt and wilbur, to a degree, dream and the eggpire, etc) to balance things out. also, tommy was right with what he did with church prime! being afraid to change anything will get you nowhere! sapnap, start another pet war! i also think more smpearth fellas should be added to the dream smp who've shown interest, like wisp and sophietexas. spice things up!

just a solid agree on pretty much everything here.

in particular with your point about how the server is being dragged down by lore that's too spaced out, 100%. the server has had a problem since the end of s1 with oscillating between full throttle lore and... near radio silence (genuinely the l'manburg/ pogtopia arc was so perfectly paced imo ah but that's another topic). the issue with quackity's lore is that his tendency towards cliff hangers means that it 'freezes' certain characters, and they can't really have an impact when they're not in quackity's semi-movies. there's been a similar issue like that with the syndicate.

basically, the server went from feeling like an actual world we got daily peeks into, with a constantly moving timeline, very much an actual server that featured non-lore, shenanigans, chilling after tournaments or among us games, stage productions of macbeth, people just casually playing on it for fun, semi-lore, and lore, to just lore, with occasional streamers. you see- niki actually stocked her bakery for people to take from quite frequently, people would come on and grind to get stuff back after a battle, wilbur would mine in pogtopia, etc etc.

it was a living, breathing thing that I feel bad that some people didn't get to see live because it's hard to describe. people kept up the casual rivalry between the smp and l'manburg, wear their uniforms to tournaments: and that was what made it so unique. schlatt was a very real threat that could just pop into your vc at any moment, he felt like a proper villain in that sense. in the same stream that wilbur and tommy would be in pogtopia mourning the fact that they had no allies while two hours later we would see fundy writing in his spy diary and niki casually resisting. quackity's lore doesn't really allow for that, and it's good lore, but it's missing what makes live action rp so captivating.

how would I fix it?

1. don't end things on cliff hangers, for gods sake. let a plot resolve in your stream so that way people can react to an build off of it in between lore streams. quackity shot himself in the foot for any casual lore by leaving it on the fence whether people would join and not establishing any clear rules, meaning that all the streams we could be getting rn are blocked by that.

2. save high production value streams for big events, or flashbacks, or just anything that can't be done completely live or improv. that way, you can decrease the time in between any lore at all, take some pressure off quackity, and get back some of the organic, homespun charm. I was watching quackity's stream and thinking 'this is nice, but he could have done five short streams over the course of a week or two that accomplished the same goal but without so much energy and rushing. then, he could cut the footage together into a video if he wanted it condensed for viewing pleasure.' it would build hype and set some sort of much needed pacing

3. if it's not already being done, make the plan public so people can jump in if they want, leave open space for improv, at least a bit. if quackity let himself lean on other streamers half as much as wilbur did for both his arcs as c!wilbur and ghostbur, things could move at a more decent pace and feel like an actual server again. just- hop into foolish's streams my dude

I could elaborate more, but tldr: quackity's lore is good, but it severely lacks pacing, stifles organic chemistry between characters, and could very well burn him out. he should mix in casual lore and used formal lore as a supplement, not a base

[captainpikeachu]

So I block a lot of BS in the tags but I like to address part of this post that’s been going around because I dislike people acting as if their opinions are facts and then try to attack other fans with it to appear superior.

So first, this notion that anyone who came out of the show feeling bad for John therefore missed the entire point of the series is simply patently false.

Because not only do you have Director Kari Skogland saying that at the end of the day they wanted people to like him.

You also have writer Malcolm Spellman who states that John’s journey is similar to that of Bucky’s as they are both stories of veterans’ struggles:

A point that is further empathized in the behind the scenes for the making of TFATWS:

Does the character’s story also deal with systemic racism of the institution and white privilege? Yes of course. But that is also not all his story is about.

To claim that some viewers can’t feel bad that John lost his best friend, suffered a mental breakdown, and was abandoned by a government who used him and then tossed him aside as they do so many veterans for the sake of their own PR is simply bizarre. Are people not allowed to have basic empathy?

So because part of his story is about white privilege and systemic racism, that we should not feel bad that the government that engages in that very systemic racism decided to protect their own hide and screwed over a soldier they used and strip him of VA benefits that he actually not only needs but is owed to have?

Tell me you do not care about veterans’ issues without saying you do not care about veterans’ issues, I guess.

And this next statement of “John Walker is a villain” is also inaccurate because he’s not a villain. Sure he served an antagonistic role, but that does not equal villain.

Head Writer Malcolm Spellman literally says this:

And producer Nate Moore also says this:

And this sentiment is further emphasized again in the making of TFATWS:

Is John a flawed character? Yes. No one is denying that. But y’all out there screaming about him being a villain also wants to deny him his humanity.

You claim that you can empathize with Tony and understand why he wanted to kill Bucky, yet you do not extend that same ability to empathize and understand for John, why? Because he’s a white dude who’s not your fave? Because he’s not the explicit protagonist of a marvel movie like Tony was?

Is it really that difficult to understand or empathize with someone’s rage at seeing their best friend murdered right in front of their eyes and wanting to exact retribution? Is it really difficult to understand or empathize with someone mentally dissociating and having a breakdown because of that traumatic loss and thus is unable to be calmed down? If even Sam in the midst of that fight in the warehouse can even acknowledge “this isn’t you, John” because he recognizes that John is emotionally in a really bad place and acting out of character, then why is it that others cannot understand or empathize with that heightened emotional struggle?

Other MCU characters attempt to kill people in reaction to loss of loved ones and that is allowed to be empathized and understood, but somehow John isn’t allowed to have that same consideration? Why? Simply because he represented symbolically something that you didn’t like?

You can empathize with Tony and not call him a villain, but John is a villain?

The fact of the matter is, John Walker is not a villain, if he was a villain, he wouldn’t have chosen to let go of the shield and let go of revenge to save people’s lives. He wouldn’t have chosen to work with Sam and Bucky. And he wouldn’t have nodded at Sam in acknowledging his position as Captain America. All of this happened AFTER he got the serum which some of y’all believe made him “bad” and just amplified all the worse things, yet he still found goodness inside himself to do the right things and help.

Villains don’t do those things. 

John is not a villain in the MCU, nor is he a villain even in the comics where the character is much darker than his MCU counterpart. Call him an antagonist if you want as he serves that role in TFATWS specifically, or an anti-hero in general, but he’s not the villain of the story just like Karli Morgenthau is ultimately not the villain of the story either. There’s a reason Sam’s big speech is to the government and the GRC, THEY are the real villains of the story. Maybe y’all missed that.

If you don’t like John Walker, that’s your right, but stop acting like other fans who feel different are somehow more stupid than you are or less than you. Take that self righteous superiority complex somewhere else.

[marzipanandminutiae]

“Why Women Fainted So Much In The 19th Century”- a reaction

video link

(by request of @harryhenry1)

oh GODS the fainting thing

okay so first of all, there’s no evidence from letters and diaries- you know, real people’s real lives -that Victorian women fainted more than modern women. it was a literary device usually meant to convey extreme sensitivity and/or strong emotions. when they did faint, the reasons were mostly the same as those we deal with today. anemia, low blood sugar, shock, head trauma, heat exhaustion, shortness of breath (yes, okay, tightlacing COULD cause that but tightlacing wasn’t synonymous with all corsetry or even that common), gas leaks, etc.

that out of the way, let’s debunk some BS

the vibrator myth/“oooh they got women off because hysteria without knowing it was orgasm! stupid olde timey people!” is why Marzi drinks

did you seriously just use Scarlett O’Hara- meant to be an extreme tightlacer even in her badly-researched book/movie -as an example of a Normal Victorian Corset Woman

no you can definitely lace your corset by yourself. even if you’re ultra-fashionable and have a maid who CAN do it. she doesn’t HAVE to. try again.

ah, children’s corsets. that old bugaboo that, for the most part, LITERALLY CANNOT BE TIGHTENED

SERIOUSLY. THEY USUALLY AREN’T BONED AND CLOSE WITH BUTTONS OR HOOKS

more extreme waist reduction for women after childbirth? citation needed, my dude

nice job using a pre-X-ray illustration of what someone imagined corsets might do to one’s ribs and organs instead of like. the modern CAT scans of corset wearers that we 100% have now

like I get that he’s trying to hedge his bets by saying things like “some forms of corsetry” but the impression is still “all corsets were like this”

he’s quoting a newpaper from the 1880s that said “Ladies...generally refuse to acknowledge that tight lacing is at all common.”

because. um

it wasn’t

based on extant garments, unedited photographs, and the few studies involving actual women reporting their normal waist reduction when corseting

men: not listening to women since forever

beyond that though the journalistic standards of Victorian newspapers were often...lacking

I’ve never heard or read an account of women putting on their bonnets before their tightly-fitted bodices and honestly I can’t even see why tightlacing would render putting on a bonnet impossible. badly cut sleeves might, but abdominal constriction? what?

“boots before corset” is a thing but that’s because it’s hard to bend at the waist, not because you can’t move at all

similarly, the stalwart defender of tightlacing could be a real woman- hey, it DID happen -or a male fetishist of the sort who plagued the editorial pages of the Englishwoman’s Domestic Magazine around the same time

again, just because a few women did it, doesn’t erase the overwhelming evidence that it wasn’t commonplace

fainting rooms and fainting couches! were not real things! “fainting couch” is a later term for Roman-inspired sofas! time to scream into a pillow!

I’m sorry did he just say you could faint because of Wearing Too Much Underwear

I just

I need a minute

see also: Prior Attire video on how the Victorians kept cool in all those layers

Longfellow’s wife died when she dropped a match INTO HER LAP. NOT “ONTO HER HOOP SKIRT.” THAT WOULD KILL YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOU WERE WEARING

they did know about arsenic poisoning from home decor

they did care

consumer outcry led manufacturers to begin producing and promeniently advertising arsenic-free paint and wallpaper by the mid-1800s

that doesn’t mean everyone believed that arsenical wallpaper was a problem or that it went away entirely, but clearly a fair number of people cared enough to spur the beginning of its removal from the market

the story from the 1880s newspaper about the woman having fainting fits in a room with arsenic-dyed wallpaper. doesn’t that like...imply that they both knew and cared? enough to print a cautionary tale in public? 

is this man capable of using logic?

THAT IS AN 18TH-CENTURY SATIRICAL IMAGE OF TIGHTLACING

I mean. yeah some women probably faked fainting at some point. but there’s still the fact that none of this alleged constant swooning, put on or otherwise, is borne out by firsthand accounts of Victorian life

once again, fainting rooms? not a thing. next

it makes a good story but “pelvic massage” to “relieve hysteria through paroxysm” probably was not a thing

for one thing, they knew what manual sexual stimulation and female orgasms were. they weren’t stupid

the whole idea seems to come primarily from one 1999 book, The Technology of Orgasm by Rachel Maines, and even she now admits it was just a hypothesis with little to no reliable supporting evidence

source

the first electric vibrator was invented as a treatment device for hand cramps. its better-known use is believed to have swiftly followed, but still

“Victorian women faked fainting spells in their dedicated fainting rooms so the doctor would come and finger them” is a Hot Take I have now been forced to consider with my own two brain cells

I need to punch something

[discotreque]

LwD 1.10, “No Small Parts”

Well, that was the most fun I've had watching Star Trek in literally a quarter of a century.

I had high hopes for this series. I love TAS, largely because of its wacky outsized concepts that could only have worked in animation—not that they all did work, but the potential was so apparent to me, even as a kid reading the Alan Dean Foster novelizations—and as an adult, there's something about the imagination of Lower Decks's FX setpieces that transcends even the glorious CGI bonanzas of Discovery.

Pause for a confession. I've long pushed back against criticism of serialization in new Trek. That's just how TV is now, okay? Might as well complain about it being in widescreen. But I'm backing down a little, because I've realized there is something about Star Trek that's inextricable from at least a partially-episodic format. And while Picard was telling a different kind of story, I can't deny that my favourite episodes of Disco have been the ones with a mostly self-contained A-plot. After 10 delightfully episodic instalments of LwD, its focus on long-term development of characters instead of a season-spanning puzzle-plot (okay, mostly just Mariner, but we only have 10 × 22 minutes and she is the star) has been downright refreshing.

So here we are, at the end of the most consistent and well-executed Season 1 of a Star Trek series since, arguably, Those Old Scientists. And sure, if they'd had to produce another... yikes, 42 episodes? Then sure, they probably would have dropped a clunker or two—but they didn't, and winning on a technicality is still winning. I'm practically vibrating with excitement for Disco to come back next week, but damn, I'm going to miss this little show while it's on hiatus.

Spoilers below:

Something I've been keeping track of finally paid off this week! (Which never happens to me, lol.) The destruction of the USS Solvang marked the first present-day death(s) of any Starfleet officer on Lower Decks, the only other on-screen killing at all being a flashback in "Cupid's Errant Arrow". Which makes sense, being (a) a comedy, and (b) about typically "expendable" characters: it hasn't been afraid to flirt with a little darkness here and there, but killing people off at Star Trek's usual pace wouldn't just be wrong for the tone, it would be downright bizarre.

But... people die on Star Trek. That's one of the core themes of the show, really: space is full of knowledge and beauty, but also danger and terror, and believing that the former is worth the risk of the latter is (according to Trek) one of humanity's most noble traits. I'm the least bloodthirsty TV watcher I know, but the longer we went with a body count of nil—ships completely evacuated before they were destroyed, main characters hilariously maimed without permanent consequences, etc.—well, I didn't mind per se, but the absence of truly deadly stakes was definitely getting conspicuous.

Turns out they were saving it up for maximum impact. And holy fuck, I've never felt such a pit in my stomach watching a ship get destroyed that wasn't named Enterprise. It felt grim and brutal and somehow both much too quick and dreadfully inevitable—and yeah, it looked extremely fucking cool—and I'd like every other Star Trek property for the rest of time to take notes under a large bold heading labeled RESTRAINT.

Comedy doesn't need to do this, but my favourite comedy does, and in a way that few other art forms can even approach: lower my emotional defences by making me laugh, endear character(s) to me with goofy-but-relatable antics—then BAM, sucker-punch me in the motherfucking feels. M*A*S*H is probably the classic example on TV, Futurama was notorious for it, and even Archer has pulled it off a few times; it's also a staple of some of my favourite standup. I wasn't sure if Lower Decks was going to go there in Season 1—and wasn't sure if they'd earn it—but I knew if they did, that they'd nail it, and damn. Feels good to be right.

Last batch of notes for the season!!! I rambled enough already, so let's do it liveblog-style:

I fucking KNEW they were going to use "archive" visuals from TAS at some point, I KNEW IT :D

"THOSE OLD SCIENTISTS" ahahahahahahahahahahahaha

I like chill and confident Boimler a lot? You can really see—

oh bRADWARD NOOOOO

That opening shot of the Solvang tracking down to the red giant was extremely Discovery-esque... minus the motion sickness, that is

A lady captain AND a lady first officer? That's—oh hey, it's Captain Dayton's brand-new ship. Hahaha, that means they're totally fucked, right?.

Yep! They sure a—umm, wh—shit, okay, but—oh no—no, you can't—wait DON'T

...fuck

FUCK.

Narrator: "And then Amy needed a five-hour break."

[live-action Star Trek showrunner voice] "Gee, Mike! Why does CBS let you have two cold opens?"

Okay, yes, the bit with Rutherford cycling through all the different attitudes in his implant was transparently an excuse for Eugene Cardero to vamp while waiting for something to do in the story, but as far as I'm concerned they can contrive a reason for him to do a bunch of different silly Rutherfords in a row any time they damn well want, because that was classic!!!

EXOCOMP EXOCOMP EXOCOMP EXOCOMP

AND THE EXOCOMP IS PAINTED LIKE THE EXOCOMP IS WEARING A LITTLE EXOCOMP-SIZED STARFLEET UNIFORM

EXOCOMP!!!!!

The slow burn and now the payoff of the Mariner-is-Freeman's-secret-daughter plot has been executed so well. I'm beyond impressed with this writer's room, y'all—they are threading a hell of a needle here

"Wolf 359 was an inside job" would have been a spit-take if I'd had anything in my mouth

...how many memos do you think Starfleet Command has had to issue asking people to stop calling the USS Sacramento "the Sac"?

CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW THEY'VE DECORATED THE SHUTTLECRAFT SEQUOIA THOUGH

Is, uh, is it weird if I'm starting to ship Tendi and Peanut Hamper a little? It is weird, isn't it. I knew it was weird...

Coital barbs??? I take back everything I said about wanting to know more about Shaxs/T'Ana.

The "good officer" version of Mariner is... kind of hot, tbh! But Tawny Newsome has done such a great job of building this character all season that her voice getting uncharacteristically clipped and martial and "sir! yes, sir!" is also deeply, deeply weird

Ah, so this is literally exactly like when TNG (and DS9) would bring in, and then blow up, a never-before-seen Galaxy-class ship, just to underscore that we're facing a real threat this week, baby. And hey, it fucking worked—my heart was in my throat, omg, for the reveal of the—

PAKLEDS?????????

The fucking PAKLEDS have been gluing weapons to their ships for the last 15 years. GREAT.

(We interrupt the SHIP BEING SLICED INTO SCRAP for an interesting bit of world-building: on Earth, the traditional First Contact Day meal is salmon!)

"I need a dangerous, half-baked solution that breaks Starfleet codes and totally pisses me off! That's an order." I'm starting to think Captain Freeman might actually be overqualified for the Cerritos, y'all—she's REALLY awesome

OH SHIT IT'S BADGEY, this is a TERRIBLE IDEA

"How much contraband have you hidden on my ship?" "I don't know! A lot!"

Awwww, Boims!!!

AHAHAHAHAHAHA, FUCK THIS, PEANUT HAMPER OUT

BADGEY NOOOOO

AUGHHHHH WHAT THE CHRIST DID HE JUST—BUT—RUTHERFORD'S IMPLANT????

RUTHERFORD!!!!!!!!!!

SHAXS!!!!!!

F U C K ! ! ! ! !

ahaIOPugdfhagntpgjrq90e5mgu90qe5;oigoqgw4ouegrw5SP;IAEHURVa IT’S THE TITAN???????????

IT'S CAPTAIN WILLIAM T. RIKER ON THE MOTHERFUCKING TITAN??????????

i'm screaming I'M SCREAMINGGGGGG​TGGGTGQER;​LBHAOIBVNV;​OAPBIJNVagr;h;​oagruipuwtnaetbaetgq35ghqet

I'M SO GLAD THIS WASN'T SPOILED FOR ME WTF

I AM WEEPING LIKE A CHILD

...

(Just a brief 20-minute pause this time)

And oh wow, seeing Will and Deanna hits different after Picard too, in a few different ways, which I may even get into later now that my heartrate is back to normal, lmao

Oh, I am always here for some jokes at the expense of the Sovereign class. The Enterprise-E sucked. They should have built a new bigger model of the D and new Galaxy-class interiors for the TNG movies, and I will die on that hill

OKAY, FINE, YOU GOT ME, RUTHERFORD × TENDI WOULD BE ADORABLE AND THIS IS ACTUALLY A PRETTY GOOD SETUP FOR IT

Awwww, Shaxs though :( Congrats on the single most badass death in Star Trek history, dude. The Prophets would—well, the actual Prophets would probably be slightly confused about most of it, but Kira Nerys would be proud of you and I feel like that probably counts for more. RIP, Papa Bear

I am here all damn DAY for the Mariner–Riker parallels, ahahahahaha

Pausing it to record my prediction that Boimler's commitment to not caring about rank anymore is going to last 3... 2...

Yep.

Bradward, how DARE YOU.

"Those guys had a long road, getting from there to here." OH FOR THE LOVE OF—

What a brilliant way to resolve and renew the various character arcs and relationships moving into Season 2! The writers could easily have brought everything back to status quo—chaotic Mariner fighting with her mom and being a bad influence on Boimler, etc.—and done another 10 just like these, but I suspect that wouldn't have been ambitious enough for these writers. What a blast. I cannot wait for more.

Thanks for following along, friends! Stay tuned for my (similarly patchy and amateur) coverage of Discovery, starting next week!

[thereallifecath]

Hey my dudes, I’m about to go on a rant so if you’re in a good mood and don’t want that spoiled, i’d continue scrolling. 

So this morning i was scrolling the endless trash on instagram, out of complete boredom, and I come across this video post captioned ‘i can’t wait’ or some shit (I apologise for the bitter language but I’m not happy, at all)... it was a trailer for ‘After We Collided’ the sequel to After... I had to take a breath and try not to scream because I was ready to throw my phone at the wall... 

Someone please explain to me how films/fanfics that promote sexism and abuse and are completely about straight white people get sequels?? I cannot comprehend why anyone would need another problematic heteronormative carbon copy of another problematic heteronormative carbon copy. First we got Twilight, and then there was the carbon copy of that - Fifty Shades of Grey, and then there is now the carbon copy of Fifty Shades of Grey - After. It’s absolutely bullshit. The amount of films out there that run by the same exact storyline with the exact same people getting represented is absolute trash. It’s completely unfair. I really don’t wanna see another film for two straight white people making love and yelling at each other and being abusive towards each other but ‘it’s okay because they’re in love’ whilst beautiful, healthy lgbtq & other diverse couples continue to be underrepresented.

I thought we were moving forward. When we had movies like Wonder Woman, Black Panther and Love Simon all come out in the same vicinity, I thought we were finally moving on from the toxic ideals of the past. But it seems like they just decided to make those three movies and then go back to old ways??? look maybe I’m being pessimist or negative but honestly I’m just so done. I’m actually about to cry writing this because I am so exhausted repeating the same mantra over and over and networks and film production companies not listening... I am tired of seeing my fellow community underepresented, I am tired of being underrepresented as a Pansexual myself. 

It’s exhausting. 

I sat throught shows like Sherlock, Teen Wolf, Supernatural - don’t get me wrong, I loooove these shows and don’t just watch them for the ships - but yeah i waited through the obvious queerbaiting for some final representation only to be left with the same heteronormative ending... and while I’m sure some people will say there is still hope for Spn, I find it hard to believe they’ll just up and let Dean and Cas kiss after eleven years of doing the opposite. 

And as I said, I’m exhausted and I’m honestly done with this whole stupid game. I’m tired and fucking irritated, and I just am so goddamn done with mainstream film and media. 

Shows like Shadowhunters that were so beautiful in terms of representation, only get three seasons because well, who the fuck cares about the actually good shows right?? It’s ridiculous that shows with so much representation get cancelled so quick, when shows little to none get years and years and season after season. Like are people aware just how accepting and loving the Shadowhunters fandom is? So many people got to feel accepted and represented and loved because Cassandra got it, the writers got it, the cast got it, the producers got it... they listened, they cared, and they were given a huge gift by the network that said ‘you’re cancelled’. 

Fuck it ya know... 

I’m such an emotional human being and stuff like this just puts a dent in my mental health. I’m fucking over it. And what pisses me off more is people have the audacity to make fun of people who write fanfiction???? Hey maybe if you hate fanfiction and think we shouldn’t do it, you should actually listen to what your audience wants for once? Fanfiction is a place of comfort for so many people to go to. It’s better than canon because we don’t have to repeat ourselves like a broken record to get representation... we have the power in fanfiction to create that representation.

I wish I could just stop watching these shows, stop watching or being involved in mainstream film altogether so I didn’t get continoulsy let down like this but I can’t. It’s hard to quit something that’s become such a huge part of your life. 

So yeah Idk what the point of sharing this was but I know there are people who are out there who feel the same, who are exhausted as I am, and I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone in it I guess.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk, bye. 

[artificialqueens]

as the stars align (branjie) - rujubees

A/N: Brooke Lynn Hytes is one of Hollywood’s top A-Listers with a reputation for being a diva. Newcomer Vanessa Mateo is fresh off her debut role and already making a splash in the industry. When they get cast as lovers for an oscar-worthy script, their on-screen chemistry is a director’s dream come true. There’s only one problem: they completely, unequivocally and unapologetically cannot stand one another.

More on ao3

Brooke Lynn had barely taken the first sip of her morning coffee when Nina thrusted a pile of paper into her arms.

“As The Stars Align? What the hell is this, Nina?”

“Brooke, you’re such a bad lesbian,” Nina scolded with an eye roll and a chuckle. “It’s Katya Zamolodchikova’s newest script based on her novel about two female astronauts who fall in love. And it’s good.”

Brooke held the script contemplatively, her eyes fluttering over the story outline, fingers flicking through the pages. Despite her brief early morning amnesia, she did know who Katya Zamolodchikova was — everybody did. She was a rare example of an author who had been able to permeate the heteronormative industry with LGBT driven stories, and have her publications be received with both critical and commercial success. Brooke wasn’t usually one for romance novels, but even she had read some of Katya’s works, and she had to admit that they were of surprisingly high quality.

And the lead character description of a woman who was ‘reserved and mysterious’ among other things was undoubtedly perfect for her. From the way Nina was excitedly rambling about that very fact, she was one step away from telling her that the character had been written with Brooke in mind.

“You have to audition, B. They just announced that Michelle Visage is directing and the online buzz is unlike anything I’ve seen for a movie of this scale before. This thing is Oscar-worthy, Brooke, I’m telling you.”

Brooke scoffed, drawing back from her coffee for the first time since Nina had arrived.

“An interracial love story between two women set in space? Yeah, that’s bound to be a hit with all the old, straight, white men in the Academy.” She pushed the script down the long, marble bar the pair sat at in Brooke’s kitchen and got up to refill her coffee. Truthfully, she didn’t care about awards or what a bunch of crusty dudes thought of her in any capacity. But it had been so long since she’d had a project which she was genuinely passionate about — one had not came along since the groundbreaking movies that had made her the star she was. These days, she was established, sure, but the last few years had led her down a hole of constantly being reduced to the trophy wife in male-dominated dramas or the blonde bimbo in vapid heterosexual rom-coms. It would hurt for her to get her hopes up high at the idea of finally landing a role of substance, only to have her dreams dashed at the last minute, once again being overlooked in favour of someone younger or prettier or more talented.

“Who cares about the Academy?” Nina exclaimed, watching exasperatedly as Brooke Lynn flopped back into to the seat opposite her. “This thing is gonna be huge no matter what. If it’s not an awards season candidate, at least it’ll be a box office smash. If it’s not a box office smash, it’ll still be important representation to all the little gay girls and boys who need representation like a lead lesbian character being played by an actual LGBT person. Don’t you wanna be a part of that?”

Brooke smiled softly at Nina, meeting the other woman’s eyes and realising how passionate she was about this. How much she cared. She was straight, but she just got it. It wasn’t that often that Brooke came across a real, ride-or-die ally in show-business, and it was the reason Brooke Lynn had hired her as her manager almost on-sight. It was also part of why Nina was her best friend.

“You got me there, bitch,” Brooke replied with a smirk, chuckling as Nina’s eyes immediately began lighting up and her face broke out into a wide grin. Brooke’s own smile began to falter the more she considered Nina’s point.

“I’m not even, like, out-out though,” she said, her eyes dropping to her hands, which Nina quickly covered with her own. “They deserve better than me.”

“Only because you won’t dignify invasive speculation about your sexuality with an answer, rightfully so by the way, and you’ve never been in a public relationship. You’ll get there.”

“Public? Girl, I’ve never been in a relationship, Period. We’re a long way off from public,” Brooke responded with a sigh. She pulled the script back and began flipping through it again, regretting allowing the conversation to turn this personal.

A few seconds passed without Nina saying anything.

“I know you’re doing that thing with your face again,” Brooke said, before peeking over the top of her script and letting herself take in the inevitable look of concern the other woman was communicating.

“Nina, I’m fine, I promise. That’s not me anyway.”

Nina didn’t look convinced, but didn’t press the issue any further, much to Brooke’s relief.

“Look. I’ll do the audition,” Brooke conceded, and Nina burst out into applause, the prior topic apparently already forgotten.

—

Brooke stood before Katya Zamolodchikova, Michelle Visage, and Asia O’Hara, who she’d previously learned would be serving as an executive producer and casting director on the movie. The audition had gone well.

Or at least that’s what she assumed from the huge, incredibly white, toothy grin Katya was giving her right now, and she knew her characters better than anyone after all. Asia was also displaying an impressed smile, and Michelle’s suspicious, reluctant expression from earlier was long gone.

“Well?” Brooke Lynn prompted as she crossed her arms, trying not to let on how badly she wanted this role. Normal protocol would mean that she wouldn’t find anything out about her chances until days, weeks, maybe even months later, but nothing about this trio struck her as conventional in their ways.

“I fucking love you,” Katya announced, and Brooke was pretty sure that if she had still been drinking her coffee she would’ve choked on it.

“Obviously,” Brooke commented.

“I’m serious, bitch. I want you to do the chemistry read later this week.”

“Who’s the other girl?” Brooke asked, unable to stop curiosity filling her voice.

“Right now, we’re interested in Vanessa Mateo,” Asia said. Brooke had heard the name a lot in certain circles over the last year or so, but she didn’t think she’d seen her in anything or that she would be able to picture what she looked like. She didn’t keep up enough with latest in Hollywood as much as she used to, didn’t have many close friends in the industry, and it was easy for hot topics to escape her attention.

Later that day, once Brooke got home, she tried to find out as much as she could about Vanessa Mateo. She learnt that she was five years younger than her at twenty four, and was Puerto Rican but grew up in Florida. So far, she had only been in one feature length movie — the biggest indie hit of last year which had even captured Brooke Lynn’s attention with its trailer before she had forgotten all about it.

She also discovered that Vanessa was possibly the most beautiful person she had ever seen, and this was coming from a woman who had worked in LA for over fifteen years. She tried not to dwell on that part as she scrolled through her potential co-star’s wikipedia page, her eyes dropping to the ‘personal life’ section, which said that Vanessa had a boyfriend. In fact, she was still dating her college sweetheart, information which Brooke tried to suppress an eye roll at.

Brooke jumped as she was interrupted by the jarring sound of her phone ringtone; Nina had managed to book her in for a chemistry read with Vanessa for the following Tuesday. Regretfully, Brooke closed her browser tabs and pulled her script from her bag, alongside the shiny new copy of Stars Align novel that she had been presented with at the audition. For once, the feeling of dread that usually preceded Brooke’s work reading was replaced by a tentative sense of optimism.

—

Vanessa had passed the first rounds of auditions. She couldn’t believe it. She hadn’t managed to land anything beyond a few minor TV roles here and there since she got her big break last year, and she was beginning to think that maybe she just wasn’t made for the big screen, no matter how many times her friends had reassured her that she was just being dramatic. She still had the chemistry read to go, but the hard part was over.

“Congratu-fucking-lations, Vanjie,” Silky said as soon as she broke the news, her and A’keria immediately engulfing her in a group hug.

“Don’t jump the gun, bitch, they haven’t cast me yet,” Vanessa replied, struggling to hold back her smile anyway.

“Yet being the operative word,” A’keria pointed out. The trio finally shuffled into Vanessa’s studio apartment, Vanessa having been unable to stop herself from spilling to them before they got inside.

“Have you told Matt yet?” Silky asked, her eyebrows raised questionably. Vanessa sighed, her boyfriend having barely crossed her mind the entire day. She knew that it was natural; they were long past the honeymoon phase in their relationship, and she would just have to accept that they weren’t getting the romance they once shared back. Well, it had never quite been passion and fireworks and roses, but it had been sweet. Fun. Matt was always one of her favourite people to spend time with. She couldn’t say the same thing now, even though she still cared for him. But he had gone above and beyond to support her through her rise to fame, and Vanessa knew that she’d never find anyone as genuine as him again. She’d already dealt with the pain of having people befriend her, only to go on to realise that they were simply in it for her new status and money. What she had with Matt was good, she told herself. She loved him.

“I ain’t telling Matt shit until it’s official. And don’t you do it either,” Vanessa warned Silky with a stern look.

Silky pouted, pulling Vanessa onto the couch as A’keria popped open the first bottle she could find and poured them each a glass.

“We’re so proud of you, sis,” A’keria smiled, raising her champagne.

“To Vanessa Vanjie motherfuckin’ Mateo,” Silky exclaimed, clinking their glasses together.

“Y’all are the worst, I swear. They might pick some other hoe still if this Brooke Lynn chick don’t vibe with me.”

“You’re gonna be in a movie with Brooke Lynn Hytes?! Why didn’t you open with that?!” Silky exclaimed.

“Because! What if she doesn’t want it to be me? I heard she only had to audition one time. Clearly, if it comes down to it, it’s her they’re going with, not me.”

“She’ll love you, Vanj, everybody does,” Silky said.

Vanessa sighed. She knew she was getting ahead of herself with this gig, and that she shouldn’t have shared with Silky and A’keria before she knew anything for certain. It was gonna make it even harder to get over the inevitable disappointment, but she couldn’t help herself.

“Silky’s right. Girl, I’m telling you, that’s not what you gotta worry about. If it’s you and Miss Brooke Lynn… good luck, is all I’m saying,” A’keria tutted cryptically.

“She won’t need luck, have you seen Brooke? The bitch is hot,” Silky added unhelpfully.

“Kiki, don’t be vague. The fuck you talking about?” Vanessa asked, determined to grill A’keria for all she knew about her potential future co-star.

“Well, you know what people say. She’s just a bit of a diva, ice-queen type. You know what, ignore me, it’s probably just some kind of sexist fuckery anyway.”

Vanessa didn’t know what to think. She had seen Brooke in a few things — mostly stuff from years ago that made her a household name — but she knew little about the woman who had brought all of those characters to life. All that she knew was that Brooke Lynn was stunning, that the acclaim her acting received was more than justified, and that she was notorious for being a closed book. It may have not been much, but it was certainly enough to make Vanessa intrigued.

—

Vanessa was more nervous than she’d ever been as she knocked on the studio door at twelve o’clock on the dot, and was greeted with nothing but inaudible murmurs. At a loss for what to do next, she began contemplating her next move, but was quickly pulled from her thoughts as a tall blonde in her peripheral vision caught her attention. She turned towards the woman, who was wearing dark jeans, a grey turtleneck sweater, and had sunglasses sat a top her head. Her bleached blonde hair was styled in a wavy bob, and she was holding a Starbucks cup, her eyes giving nothing away as they met Vanessa’s. Although she was dressed casually, she still managed to have an aura of glamour about her.

“You must be Brooke Lynn?” Vanessa asked, forgoing usual greetings.

“Hi,” Brooke Lynn said nonchalantly as the two women approached each other.

“I’m Vanessa.”

“I know. Just Brooke is fine, by the way.”

“Cool. Nice to meet you, Just Brooke,” Vanessa retorted with a smirk. For a second, she thought she saw a crack in Brooke’s neutral exterior, but it must’ve just been a trick of the light as a millisecond later Brooke was looking straight up unimpressed with Vanessa’s admittedly slightly lame attempt at an ice-breaker. She frowned because damn, it wasn’t that deep. Anyone would’ve thought Vanessa had just kicked her kitty (and Brooke did have a cat — two, in fact. Vanessa had found that out on a desperate google binge the previous night.)

Vanessa glared as Brooke took her phone out of her bag and began frantically typing — probably about how much she already knew she didn’t want to work with the girl she was currently stood with. Vanessa cursed her for making it so awkward between them for no reason.

Luckily, her mind couldn’t spiral for long as the door flung open and Katya greeted the pair, looking far more pleased to see Vanessa than Brooke Lynn had been.

“Ladies! Sorry for the wait. Come on in,” Katya said. Michelle, Asia and a few other crew members that Vanessa didn’t know were also seated in the studio, waiting to witness Brooke Lynn and Vanessa’s energy in action and see if they had struck gold.

The chemistry read went far more smoothly than Vanessa had anticipated it would be after her initial interaction with Brooke. Once Michelle had prompted them to begin, it was as if she had become another person entirely. She went from a completely detached, almost shell of a human, to being suddenly absorbed in her character, and her character’s relationship to the role Vanessa was playing. Brooke was convincing, she could give her that. The scene they were delivering wasn’t a major part of the movie, but the nuances of Brooke’s performances made it almost feel like she really had feelings for Vanessa.

However, it was over almost as quickly as it began, and Brooke reverted back to her real self before Vanessa was even able to process the fact that they were finished.

They were met with glowing praise from their panel of judges, and Vanessa felt a strong sense of pride in what she had accomplished. She tried shooting smiles at Brooke in-between compliments, attempting to lighten the atmosphere between them, but Brooke wouldn’t meet her gaze.

After a few more minutes of talk, they were released with the guarantee that they would find out if they were cast within a few days, maximum. Vanessa had been hoping to catch Brooke outside, maybe ask her to lunch so they could get to know each other, but Brooke stayed behind to talk to Katya, the two quickly becoming engrossed in hushed conversation. Vanessa tried to stop paranoia from getting the best of her, but her suspicions that Brooke had connections on this set were confirming themselves, and most likely Brooke would be the priority if she refused to work with Vanessa.

Though surely, if Brooke didn’t want Vanessa cast, she would’ve just thrown their chemistry read altogether?

Vanessa didn’t know the answer to that. Brooke wasn’t easy to work out.

Defeated, she gave the casting panel one last wave and left the studio — it was clear that Brooke would be hanging back for a while. Vanessa knew the rest was out of her hands and decided to hit up Silky and A’keria for drinks; all she could do now was wait.

—

The call came sooner than expected — later that evening, with Vanessa and her friends in a crowded bar, having spent the rest of the day getting drunk. The conversation with Asia was short and to the point, with Vanessa doing her very best to compose herself and hide her tipsy state. The news that she would, in fact, be working alongside Brooke Lynn almost went right over her head, overshadowed by the sheer realisation that she had done it. She had finally landed the second major role of her career. This was her chance to show the world that she wasn’t a one hit wonder, or a fluke.

“I got the part!” Vanessa all but yelled as she returned to their table, ecstatic, A’keria and Silky smothering her with hugs and kisses and screaming words of excitement and congratulations.

“Yes bitch!” Silky declared, and Vanessa wasn’t sure if it was pride or the alcohol, but she was pretty sure that her friend was tearing up.

“Brooke too?” A’keria asked, standing up to buy them another round.

“Yes, obviously. But who cares about her! Lets celebrate,” Vanessa announced. She’d be lying if she denied that at the very back of her mind, she had no lingering concerns about working with Brooke Lynn. But clearly, the bitch could be professional when she needed to be, and she saw no reason why she’d want to make this hard for the both of them now they were stuck with each other for the foreseeable future. And regardless, nothing could wipe the smile off of Vanessa’s face in that moment. She’d be damned if she was gonna let anyone ruin her night for her.

[trademarkhubris]

spoilers for a bunch of movies i guess, its 7 am and i only marginally slept and now im pissed off at ad astra again

the worst part about The Bad Space Movie is that i'd bet my left nut that every single cis straight white men who work as critics are circle jerking about it

i don't want to look it up because if i'm right i'm going to be so pissed off

The Goldfinch gets set ablaze for being... idefk like boring or weird whatever i heard when i! was! not! bored! a! single! second!!!

WITHOUT having read the book, and I've seen here (on tumblr) and there (on twitter) people saying that it's better if you've read the book

NOT BORED. ME.

AD ASTRA MADE SPACE BORING I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS SHIT

~space is empty... but its not~

YEAH NO SHIT

YOU PLANTED YOUR DUDE THERE

take fuckgnnfjfd Interstellar. interstellar has a plot point where Shit happens because of someone who was planted there.

but its like... a plot point, a logical thing where theres A Bunch Of People Out There For A Reason, and one of them does bad shit. it's not the ENTIRE FUCKING PLOT OF THE MOVIE. it's interesting. it comes out of nowhere if you're a dumbass like me. its exciting and sad and terrifying, but also you understand the dude's reason for going bonkers like that

IN AD ASTRA, I... DONT... KNOW???......

WHY THE FUCK WAS HE OUT THERE... DID HE KILL THOSE PEOPLE? WAS THE WHOLE THING AN ACCIDENT???

WHAT THE FUCK

also in Interstellar i was not sat down and explained everything line by fucking line

ad astra is the perfect example of what happens when you tell and don't show!! ITS BORING AS SHIT A N D I DONT REMEMBER ANYTHING

except that Ruth Negga was there, i love her, she was perfect and beautiful and i love her

ALSO

the fucking fake science

Interstellar has a bunch of it but it WORKS because theres also a lot of REAL science and REALISTIC fake science, and when the black hole... does that, you've been in tears for 7 hours and are wondering how you're going to survive the next 5, and it doesnt matter bc at this point the film has paused being a space movie and started being about humans again. and you're in tears

ad astra... actually i think i cried, yeah, because at some point i yawned six times in a row and after four yawns my eyes automatically produce tears, idk, that's a thing they do, my doc says it's fine

i just got bit by a fucking mosquito, it's october man fuck off

okay, ad astra

it's just... it could have been cool... even with the shitty plot... ive seen movies with worse plots than that...

you know what

since im talking space movies, fuckig Jupiter Ascending... JUPITER ASCENDING DUDE

THIS MOVIES WEIRD AS FUUUUUCK AND THE SCIENCE IS SOOOO FAKE BUT

ITS SO GOOD???? THEY'RE HAVING FUN. IM HAVING FUN. SPACE QUEEN REINCARNATION IS RECOGNIZED BY BEES AND FALLS IN LOVE WITH DOG MAN SOLDIER

HELL YEAH

Jupiter Ascending isnt exactly good but SHIT its amazing? THATS a movie i DO cry do!!!

anyway if ad astra wins.... literally any award im flying to brad pitt's house superman style and im making him eat an entire aloe vera plant

[bluegay-redgay]

This Shit Will Linger - “Dennys, Anyone?”

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19379371/chapters/46111951 Word Count: 2,634 Summary: Everyone has made it into NYU!! Of course this calls for a celebration!After a late night of drinking and watching shitty movies, Chrisitne makes an interesting suggestion.(For reference, this is what I picture Michael's PT Cruiser looks like: https://www.autoblog.com/chrysler/pt+cruiser/  ) "We all made it!! We actually got accepted!!" Christine excitedly attempted, and failed, to embrace everyone into a group hug following the very exciting news.

"We better start saying 'hello' to student debt."

"C'mon Jerry! As true as that is, we need to celebrate!!" Brooke smiled as she began to pack her bags.

Yes, that is correct. The SQUIP Squad is officially heading to New York as students of NYU in 6 months!!

Christine followed her passion and decided to major in Musical Theatre with a minor in Asian/Pacific/American Studies, Jenna Rolan wanted to put her curiosity of knowing everything about everyone to use, majoring in Sociology. After a few stressful weeks of going back and forth, Jake settled on Sports Management while Rich went with Chemical Engineering. "It's so badass." He would say in defense, but in reality, Rich just wanted to assure himself a stable job.

To no one's surprise, Michael is going to major in Music Technology while taking a minor in Producing. Chloe went against her parents' demands and chose Individualized Study across the Humanities, "I'm not entirely sure what I want to do yet, but I want to focus on myself. But not by being pretty or whatever, like self-improvement." Brooke was definitely happy to hear that as she happily followed in her mother's footsteps, majoring in Nursing.

Jeremy was the last one to pick a major, continuously procrastinating on his application, but after some advice from Mr. Heere and some reassuring words from his friends, Jeremy decided to stick with his secret dream of Digital Art & Design. Although he typically kept his drawings to himself, Jeremy would occasionally post a drawing/design that he was particularly proud of.

Everyone was happy with their choices, and they were so ecstatic to know that everyone will be attending the same college.

"I think this calls for a chaotic hangout at Dennys! Who's drivin'?" Rich swung his backpack onto his back. "Not Jake, the last time he drove we actually almost ran into a tree." Brooke recalled the group's previous trip, sending Jake a glare.

"In my defense, I was kinda jammin' out so.." Jake didn't have anything else to say, shoving any remaining notebook paper or pens into his bag. "Yeah yeah.. So who can actually drive us there?" Jenna eyed everyone.

It only took a moment before everyone nodded and looked at a certain hoodie-wearing teen. "Michael!!"

The outburst was one thing that unsettled Michael but it was about him. And he wasn't prepared, almost falling off of the desk he was leaning on. Michael pulled down his headphones. "Yes?" Jeremy smiled and wrapped his lanky arm around Michael's shoulders, "Would you be so kind and drive us to Dennys? Pwetty pwease?" as he gave Michael the infamous puppy-dog eyes, Jeremy knew the answer already.

"Fiiiine. But you're paying for my meal." Michael groaned and grabbed his keys from his pocket. It's not like he didn't want to hang out with his friends, he was so happy about being accepted but he wasn't thrilled about moving to a new place, especially New York. It was littered with people. But nonetheless, Michael will try to adjust, if not for him, then for his friends, for Jeremy.

"Sweet! Let's dip!.. Chloe, my love, you're about to- well.." Brooke tried to warn Chloe about her smoothie but it was too late. It practically turned her top pink. "SHIT!! I JUST BOUGHT THIS!!" Chloe immediately dropped anything she was holding trying to wipe off any heavy amounts of strawberry chunks. Unfortunately this included her phone. Luckily, Christine caught it just in time as she was grabbing her book from the floor. "Woah! That was close! You need any napkins, Chlo?" Christine placed the device on a nearby desk. "What does it look like!?- Sorry! I mean, yes. Please." It's still going to take a bit more time, but Chloe has come a long way when improving her anger issues and just her overall attitude towards others.

"Are we done fucking around? I want Dennys!!" Rich lightly punched Jake's shoulder as he waited impatiently.

"Will Michael's car even fit all eight of us?" Jenna recalled the size of Michael's PT Cruiser

"Oh sure, all we have to do is tie like two of us on the roof." Michael chuckled. "But for real, you'll be fine. I think you might have a either sit on the floor or sit in someone's lap. Your choice." Michael headed towards the door, followed by everyone after Chloe decided that she was presentable again.

"Just don't fuck up my car." Michael stated, turning on the engine as they got closer. Jeremy quickly ran over to the passenger seat, it was almost a given that he'd take shotgun. But no one was complaining. Except Jake & Rich.

"C'mon Tall-Ass! At least push up your seat a little! We're crushed back here!!" Rich was basically on Jake's lap at this point. Not that he minded, Jake didn't seem to care either. Their legs had different opinions however.

Jeremy basically liked to lay down while Michael drives, whether it's to catch up on sleep that he's deprived of or to just clear his mind. Either way his seat was totally crushing Jake & Rich's legs, "Fine fine fine... This better?" He moved his seat about two feet, clearing the space immensely.

"Yes sir! Thank ya very much." Rich slid down Jake's legs a bit as he relaxed, pulling out some chips that were stuffed in his backpack.

"Can we go now?! It's hella crowded back here." Jenna complained, trying to not impale Christine's chest with her elbow.

"You guys asked Michael to drive, this is what you get." Jeremy looked at her through the rear-view mirror.

"Honestly, anything's better than Jake's driving." Brooke muttered under her breath.

"Do you wanna fight? I was not tryna get called out like this." Jake placed his hand over his heart as he continued his dramatic monologue, "I thought we were friends Brooke. I cannot believe that you'd betray me in such a way- Holy shit!!!"

His sentence was nearly cut off as Michael slammed the brakes. "What the fuck, Michael?!" Rich held the back of the passenger's seat tightly.

"A damn truck cut me off, nearly hitting me. You're welcome for not getting you hurt." Michael snapped back, continuing the drive, if a bit more cautious.

Jeremy looked at Michael and could tell immediately that he was panicking a bit, "Want someone else to drive on the way home?" Michael stayed silent for a moment, "No. It's fine. Just people being complete dumbasses." Jeremy nodded and scolled through Instagram. He was very aware that Michael can get serious road rage despite being calm almost 24/7.

"It'll be the first entrance to the right after this exit, Michael." He nodded and changed lanes, "Thanks Christine."

"Hey! Lovebirds, might wanna wrap that make-out session up soon. We're pretty much there." Jake called out, and he was right: Chloe & Brooke were practically sucking each other's faces off. "Fuck off, Jake." Chloe eyed him from her periphery vision. "We're having a moment."

"You were at my wedding, Denise." Jake scoffed. He then saw the iconic logo signalling his stomach to growl rather loudly.

"I guess that means that we're here. Let's roll! I can't feel my legs." Jenna practically shoved Rich & Jake out of the car, finally free. "Yes!! Now let me stuff pancakes in my mouth!" She ran off with with everyone to grab a booth and potentially raid the kitchen.

Jeremy was about to join them when he noticed that Michael hadn't even moved from his seat, "Micha? You good, dude?" Michael tensed at the question but slowly nodded, "Y-Yup.. I'm great.." His hands started to shake and his chest was rising faster as the seconds passed, "...N-No.." Tears suddenly flowed down his cheeks, it was as if a dam was just broken down.

Jeremy immediately hugged him, rubbing small circles on his back. He didn't say a word, he learned from personal experience that words of reassurance isn't always the best solution. Sometimes it's just a simple hug and letting the other cry it out, but not alone. Not again.

"I'm.. I'm sorry Jer... I-It's just.. I'm stressed? I-I mean we just.. we just got accepted into f-fucking college!.. We'll.. We'll be moving to a new state, shit to the m-most populated city in fucking America!.. And.. And the d-debt.. I guess it's just... piling up on me.." Michael sniffed as he rubbed his eyes with his hoodie.

Jeremy smiled and only tightened his hug a little. "Dude I get it. I completely understand, I mean it IS fucking stressful but here's the thing: I'll be there with you throughout the entire journey. We made it a two-player game, right? That's gonna continue throughout college and even when we're old geezers with white hair. You have my word." Jeremy ran his fingers through Michael's black locks.

Michael almost started crying again, he was only able to nod, still wanting the hug to last forever, "Yeah, I'll uh.. hold you to it, dude."

"Wanna stuff our faces with syrup-soaked pancakes?" Jeremy asked, pulling away to see his reaction.

Michael smirked, "Always." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everyone had finished their food a long time ago, now they were just exchanging witty banter or suffering from a food coma.

"I am a firm believer that Walt Disney froze his body and that 'Frozen' was created to hide those google results about the body! You cannot tell me otherwise!!" Brooke slammed her fist against the table as she declared her stance on this very important matter.

"I mean it makes sense, the man was a genius! Why wouldn't he want to live forever?"

"Brooke, honey, I think you're alone on this one."

"Michael agrees with me! He believes in more conspiracies than all of us combined!"

Michael chuckled and ran a hand through his hair, "I mean it's not the stupidest theory I've heard but there are so many other theories that are way more convincing!" He was feeling better after his anxiety attack, it took some food with a couple of dumb jokes and Michael was smiling again. He was calm.

Christine was rather quiet at the moment so anyone would've nearly screamed when she slammed her palms onto the table yelling, "GUYS I JUST HAD AN AMAZING IDEA!!"

After everyone recovered from the small heart attack, Chloe was the only one quick enough to have a response, "Here we go.. What are we gonna reenact "Your Fault" again?" She rolled her eyes at the memory.

"Not this time. So, hear me out: Like it or not, we're going to be Stressed-Out College Students™, so we need an outlet of sorts in order to-"

"Chris, get to the point." Jenna cut him off, sipping her coffee.

"Okay, okay! We can create a YouTube channel! Or multiple, it's your choice."

It was silent for a second until Brooke released a muffled snicker, following by everyone laughing at the idea. Except Christine.

"It'll be fun!!" Christine smiled. Wait is she serious?

"Chris, I know you're one of the most outgoing people on this dying planet but come on. What would we even do?" Michael wiped his eyes from laughing so hard.

"Anything we want! It's like a way to...how do I put this..

"Express ourselves?" Michael added some half-assed jazz hands, obviously joking.

"Yes!! Exactly! C'mon, at least give it a shot! We can each have our own channels and then a conjoint channel for all of us! It'll so much fun and can be something interesting for us to do over the summer and in college!!"

Again, her statement was met with silence... until Jeremy sighed and gave Christine a smile, "I...uh... guess it wouldn't hurt? I'm still uh.. hesitant?"

Jeremy's agreement was all that it took for the rest of the group, even Michael, to start muttering their agreement. Jeremy had a point, it wouldn't hurt them to at least try it out, right?

Brooke tapped her chin as her mind tried to think of an idea, "Maybe... Oh! Chlo & I can do makeup tutorials, random vlogs or shopping hauls! And also have our weekly trips to Pinkberry! Whaddya say, Chloe?" Her face practically shined like a star. So of course Chloe couldn't deny her, "That might be fun.. I'm up for it if you are?" Brooke responded with a peck on Chloe's cheek.

"Barf. I'd totally do prank videos or parkour. Something hella cool. Maybe a few of those cliche internet challenges." Rich chuckled, secretly excited about this potential channel. "Bro, if you think I'm deadass not gonna join, my dude you are wrong, heh!!" Jake bro-fisted with Rich, establishing this collaboration.

Christine excitedly clapped her hands, "Yay!! I'm excited!! I mean obviously I'd do theatre reviews, maybe some covers and costume tutorials!! Oh, I can't wait!! What about you Jenna?"

Jenna didn't even need to think about it. It was almost a given, "Probably gossip & fashion review. Maybe the occasional vlog if I travel. Michael? Jer?"

All attention was on the two of them, "Well if my channel is gonna reflect my life, it'll be a mess so uh.. I guess whatever I want? It may um.. depend on my mood that day, who knows?" Jeremy just shrugged but honestly? He wasn't sure what he wanted to do at all.

"If I must create content for the people of the planet, most of it would likely consist of conspiracies.. random thoughts/realizations I have when I'm high and uh.. I dunno gaming?" Michael still wasn't keen on the idea of starting a channel but that didn't mean he wasn't gonna try it, it did sound pretty dope to him.

The group nodded in agreement, that suited them. "And we'd have a channel for all of us? Sweet. Why not make a video now? Like a launch sorta thing?" Jake suggested.

It didn't sound like a bad to them, why the hell not?

"Cool, cool. Let's create our channels first!" Christine pulled out her phone and started the process. Everyone mimicked her actions and soon enough, the SQUIP Squad had started their YouTube career.

"I think it's pretty obvious that we share our names, yeah? I'll start: My channel is 'Babbling Brookie'! Chloe and I's channel is called 'verypinkberry' Brooke was proud of the names, it obvious who created them.

"Mine is simply 'CooCooChloe', fitting isn't it?" Chloe scoffed, she actually really liked it.

"Those are nice and all but the channel to be at is 'NotSoRichieRich' cause I'm a broke bitch! Haha!" Jake rolled his and prepared his announcement as if it would change the world, "Are you ready for this, ladies & gentlemen? My channel is called.... 'JakeyD' it's fucking original and no one can top that." His toothy grin was just a cherry on top.

"Adorable. 'JamPackJenna' because woooo boy is the tea hot right now!" She was in the middle of taking a selfie that would likely be her icon.

"I wanted to do a bit of wordplay as well so I did it! 'Chrisanthemum'! It has a pretty okay ring to it. Jeremy? What about you? Please tell me it's a pun!!"

Jeremy laughed and nodded, "It's 'HeereHere'.." The first one to burst out laughing was of course Michael, that pun went way back to when the two met in preschool. "Oh-Oh my GOD Jer!! You.. You actually..!" It took Michael a few seconds to calm down as he cleared his throat, "It is purely 'Mellon'. I do not take criticism."

And no one criticized because come on, that's one of the best puns for his name.

"Sweet, now shall film this late night announcement at Dennys?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TheSQUIPSquad™ uploaded a new video.

[wigwurq]

WIG REVIEW: BLACKKKLANSMAN

2018 is a giant garbage fire (which has been building daily since, say, November 8, 2016). This summer, two movies have offered us solutions: 1) Run screaming from it into a wine soaked caftan (Mamma Mia Here We Go Again) or 2) Meet it face to face while examining how we got here. BlacKkKlansman offers the latter, and it is brilliant. But what about the wigs? Let’s discuss.

John David Washington (yes, Denzel’s son) plays Ron Stallworth in the true story of how the black undercover detective infiltrated the KKK in Colorado Springs circa 1979. 

Stallworth himself has commented that his actual afro was about an inch or more shorter, but Spike Lee knows that the bigger the hair, the closer to god and this wig is GOOD. Like Key & Peele level good (which is the best level, of course). There are no visible seams, the texture and uniformity is right on. Jordan Peele was a producer on this film so clearly he held the wigs to his own high standard.

There was an excellent profile last week in the NY Post (of all places) about the lady wigmaster who brought these lewks to the screen. In it, she discusses wanting to get natural hair aesthetic from the 70s right (as it differs from today) while also varying the different styles of afros. Here, we see Ron’s very tight and circular coiffe compared to Patrice (his Black Student Union love interest’s) more uneven and freeflowing lewk. 

The subtle yet telling differences in all the different afros in the film are truly next level art and all these wigs WURQ. 

And then there’s David Duke. In wigs as it is in life (especially in this film), white dudes really have to ruin everything. (To be fair, there is also a super racist white lady in this movie but she doesn’t wear a wig). Anyway, I think we can all agree that the #1 racist in this movie (and probably still very high in the running in real life?) is KKK Grand Wizard, David Duke. And much like him, his wig is terrible!

Granted, David Duke in the 70s looks pretty much like Topher Grace in a bad wig (yes, Topher - this is what dating Ivanka gets you). But look at how fluffy and blown out this is! Saturday Night Fever era John Travolta would be so proud (of the hair at least). 

Nothing like the greased down, bent and bothered nonsense you see before you. And the part. AND THE PART. If big hair does make you closer to god, I will say that this matted down mess only does its job in that David Duke is incredibly godless (Editor’s note: my use of this quote twice in one review is meant to show my affinity for Steel Magnolias, as Dolly Parton is my god). 

I guess I should mention that there are some ok (wigless) white dudes in this movie, including Adam Driver as the dude who has to pose as Ron in person. I usually find Adam Driver to be the person equivalent of Bushwick but this movie made me actually tolerate him. Progress!

Back to Topher, as with most male wigs (which are all usually terrible), the most tellingly bad part is the back. Like most bad male wigs, this thing juts out at the back - the taper is all off! NO THANK YOU. Just look at the meeting of these two wigs. In every single way, good vs. evil.

AND ANOTHER THING: LOOK AT THAT PART AGAIN! NOOOOO. Also why do racists have to ruin everything including capes? GODDAMIT. 

In the end, my wig judgment comes down to this: can a film full of fabulous afrotastic lewks trump one very bad man wig on a racist? 

The film ends looking back at our recent past - to the terrible Charlottesville Unite the Right rally and its counterprotests; I’m sure it was no coincidence that this film was released almost exactly a year later. This is a very depressing end to an ultimately depressing movie. And yet, this year, the Unite the Right rally had an incredibly low turnout with thousands attending the counterprotests. I cannot help but take that as a small sliver of hope in this continuing garbage fire that is America. And in the same vein, I choose to believe that a film teaming with masterfully executed black wigs DOES trump one sloppy white dude wig.

VERDICT: WURQS

[thatxvguy]

KNOCK KNOCK, LET THE DEVIL IN.

Nah man like seriously what the actual fuck.

It was Friday, August 31st. A nice day to start Anime Festival Asia in Indonesia, I was already happy thinking what to buy to make myself broke at the convention, then aS SOON AS I FUCKING ARRIVED AT THE CONVENTION, SHIT BROKE IG AND TWITTER: EMINEM NEW ALBUM “KAMIKAZE”.

At first I shrugged and laughed thinking it was a troll/just an album announcement bUT AY TURNS OUT THAT SHIT LITERALLY DROPPED JUST WHEN I GOT MY MONEY FOR AFA & NOW BY THE TIME OF THIS WRITING I STILL DON’T KNOW HOW TO SAVE UP MONEY TO BUY KAMIKAZE MERCH, LIKE I SWEAR FUCK THIS SHIT SLIM, I FUCKING HATE YOU SMH.

Tbh I don’t expect much when I saw the Venom teaser for the movie, I thought he was just going to have a song for the movie soundtrack/at best, a soundtrack album by him just like how Kendrick did with Black Panther, but ay this looks promising.

Aside of me being salty, this album’s apparently executive produced by Dr. Dre and “Slim Shady”, like literally Marshall is fucking credited as Slim Shady, this shit sounds like a classic already- HE EVEN PUT BACK THE PAUL SKITS AGAIN YO DAMN.

Features are actually fresh as fuck tho, like Joyner Lucas? Nickle Nine? Goddamn man. First look at the tracklists & I can feel the fire already.

Aight then with that all being said, new EM album, Kamikaze, let’s go (I’m still salty to not have money to buy the merch).

01. The Ringer - SHIT BRO I CANNOT. WAIT A MINUTE *takes a fucking hour to get ready*

Okay so uh, wow. Illadaproducer. You fire bro. AND RONNY J? OMYGOD MAN.

First song and he’s shNAPPING ALREADY LIKE DAMN BRO. Okayokayokay let me slow myself here. Because he literally snapped on everybody who criticized him on The Storm freestyle & Revival, should I like write of a list of it?

>Vince Staples >Joe Budden >Lil Yachty (It’s not a diss tho, he just called him out) >Lil Pump >Lil Xan >Iggy Azalea >MGK >NF >Journalists >Donald Trump >Charmalagne tha God >Pretty much the whole current state of Hip-Hop

One song going and it’s fire already, why the fuck should we hit Em’s nerve for him to make a fire album like this though? That’s a big problem.

I like how he interpolates Young M.A. here, matter of fact everything he interpolates sounds better than the original lol excuse me for being biased smh. AND THAT EVIL SPELL LINE, GOT ME SO GOOD.

Overall a fire intro. Personal favorite already. I felt perfect when Em shouted out his favorite new-wave rappers, makes me feel like I listen to the right side of Hip-Hop lol.

02. Greatest - REVIVAL DIDN’T GO VIRAL

As much as I like some aspects of Revival, it’s still an ass album overall, so sorry I gotta say that man but that’s like, Jesus man it’s the fucking lowest.

AY MIKE WILL WASSUP BRO THIS SHIT BUMPS BROOO, better than the whole SR3MM album tbh smh. And the hook yooo, I really wokeuplikethis when I heard the fucking hook. Definitely one of the best hooks of 2018 lmao don’t @ me.

He still continues the theme of clapping back at people who clapped back at him & he’s not being boring on it which is very unusual, because y'know how it feels like when people wrote the same shit on different songs right? That shit gets repetitive & boring, but not this one.

And again, his interpolations are fucking top notch man, I can’t praise it enough for being too fucking great.

And that 2nd verse? God. Another personal favorite.

03. Lucky You (feat. Joyner Lucas) - I’m lucky to be alive after listening to these 3 fire straight.

Dude.

Whatthefuck.

This is godly bro.

Joyner came in with that fire verse, then Em ended the song with next level heat. That’s the whole gist of it tbh.

BOI-1DA CAME WITH THE HEAT. SHIT’S AMAZING BRO, I CAN STILL HEAR THAT NC-17 HERE, ILLA YOU FIRE TOO MAN WTFFF.

I like how they started their parts with different perspective of their respective careers, with Joyner not having the accolades he was supposed to get and Em with the awards that he ironically don’t need.

Joyner man, he came in with rapid fire yo & he fucking interpolates Denzel’s SUMO | ZUMO amazingly & fittingly. And Em back again snapping on the current state of Hip-Hop FOR THE 3RD TIME IN THE ALBUM & HE’S YET TO BORE ME WITH THE SAME TOPIC. And that “Record Breaker/Broken Record” line is slick as hell yo, plus how he interpolates (again) DNA. here is just amazing but somehow expected. Plus that ghostwriter line probably struck a nerve somewhere in the 6ix lol.

3 tracks in with pretty much the same topics, yet I didn’t get bored of it yet. The first 3 tracks & and those hits the personal favorites list already. This is probably a classic already.

04. Paul (Skit) - The very core question of Eminem’s career by this point tbh. Is he going just to put out shit albums and snap back the next year with a fire album? Is he going to repeat the same shit all over? So far the first 3 tracks don’t bore me but I feel like he’s trying a lil too hard on it? At least he didn’t sound bitter on this album so far.

05. Normal - It’s not an Eminem album if there’s no at least one misogynystic song isn’t it.

At first I wasn’t feeling it until the beat switches I was like, “Damn bro, Em can actually sound melodic like the mumble rappers too, damn.”

But I got the message of the song tho, it’s surprising that Em is still wishing for a normal relationship with women (Maybe he could had one if he didn’t went full misogynystic but eh).

Milo verse is funny tho, not anything special but it’s just funny. Not hilarious either but it’s just… Funny.

06. Em Calls Paul (Skit) - Basically a response about Em saying that he’s not trying to make an album just to clap back at people who criticized the album badly, thank goodness because I hope that shit doesn’t happen to him (I still don’t like the timing of this surprise album tho, still salty over the fact I can’t buy the merch yet).

Rumors believe that he was referring to Shawn Cee on the skit, but I don’t think it’s about him tho because Em said he read about some Yahoo-motherfucker who wrote about Revival and criticized about how bad Em did the album (Which I think to be true).

Now, Shawn Cee is a YouTuber famous for his Hip-Hop reaction/review videos. Eminem clearly said that he read about someone writing about Revival, not watched about someone reviewing Revival. So I guess Shawn Cee is in a safe position in his career lol. RIP to that Yahoo-motherfucker tho.

07. Stepping Stone - THIS HERE, THIS ACTUALLY BROKE MY HEART

It’s sad to hear that D12 is officially dead & to hear it from the group most popular member makes it even worse.

I like how to hook goes in & the bridge is just amazing to hear. I’m happy that he decides to break the silence about D12, it’s a plus point too for this album because I don’t want him to always talk about how bad Revival is tbh lol.

A great song to refresh yourself from this album’s main topic.

08. Not Alike (feat. Royce da 5'9") - THAT LOOK ALIVE SAMPLE THOOO. TAY KEITH FUCK THESE DUDES UP.

I don’t know why but I enjoy Eminem doing the Migos flow, it just makes him sounds funnier to me, the hook says all: Em is nothing alike to these mumble rappers, just like how what he says have nothing in common.

Royce went great here, but I feel like before his verse ends he sounds a lil rushed, or is it just me? Great feature nevertheless.

THEN EMINEM BACK AGAIN WITH THE MGK DISS & WHEN THAT BEAT SWITCHED TO THAT RONNY J FIRE? GODFUCKINGDAMN BRO.

Did Em just started his verse with the Ay flow? Because it feels refreshing when Em doesn’t go too fast on his raps & being more laid-back with it.

The flow showdown here man, it’s just unlikely people will hate on this one, I mean hey, GOAT with Tay Keith & Ronny J who doesn’t want that?

Definitely another personal favorite.

09. Kamikaze - Title song of the album, I gotta stop listening when I heard the word “Fack” said here lmao, the whole first part of the song is hilarious too, I mean that beat whatthefuck man, corny as shit lmao.

But hey as hilarious as it gets it’s still worth noting that this song sums up the whole point of the album, it’s basically him snapping back to haters & mumble rap by dropping a surprise album just for the fuck of it (Fuck it tho I’m still salty off the merch)

When the beat switched tho, that shit went sinister like straight up, WHY CAN’T HE JUST DO THE WHOLE SONG WITH THAT BEAT? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST EM SMH.

And that outro bro, was that a diss at Drake? Those ghostwriters line still got me great man.

10. Fall - Featuring uncredited vocals by Justin Vernon for the hook, here Em talks about… WELL WHAT DO YOU EXPECT MAN THE ALBUMS BASICALLY A BUNCH OF DISS TRACKS FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVEN’T HAD ENOUGH OF HIM SMH, Mike WiLL fucking made a banger tho.

I felt bad for Tyler after hearing him got dissed badly with the other F-word, RIP Tyler & Earl too.

Budden, DJ Akademiks, Charmalagne & Lord Jamar got fucked up pretty badly here too, I mean I think this is the first time Em proved his point right & stayed relevant to the era he’s in. I mean he’s doing it in Trap beats so that explains a thing. (Listen to Lucky You for reference)

Verse 3 > Legacy in MMLP2.

11. Nice Guy (feat. Jessie Reyez) - NOW THIS, THIS IS PROBABLY THE FIRST EMINEM SONG FOR THEM CONCERT MOSHPITS.

THAT DROP IS JUST SO FIRE, & JESSIE, GODDAMN BRO.

I like the fact that the songs is less than 3 minutes just like how songs are nowadays. The bars are nothing serious tbh bUT THAT ENERGY BRO, IF THIS SHIT EVER GETS PERFORMED ON AN EMINEM CONCERT, I’LL DEFINITELY JOIN THE MOSHPIT.

Another personal favorite. And yea it’s a favorite personal because even tho the bars aren’t really nothing, I can still relate on how dudes just wanted to be nice for their woman out there.

Hook-post hook = definite anthem.

12. Good Guy (feat. Jessie Reyez) - BRO EMINEM ON A KINGDOM HEARTS SAMPLE BRO THANK YOU ILLA YOU DA GOAT.

I feel like this song & the song before is like a mini sequel to the long-ass Bad Guy song back in MMLP2, this song especially is just a continuation of Nice Guy, so nothing special tbh, lacks the same energy from Nice Guy tho.

The Kingdom Hearts sample fucking saved the song.

13. Venom (Music from the Motion Picture) - Now this shit, was the shit that made me believe that Em is actually going to produce the whole Venom soundtrack. This shit went off great, KNOCK KNOCK, LET THE DEVIL IN.

I LOVE HOW HE STARTED EVERY VERSE WITH THAT SENTENCE, REAL SLIM SHADY VIBES IN THIS SONG. AND THAT HOOK, UGH FUCK BRO SHIT.

How Eminem stated that we the fans are Eddie Brock & him being the Venom Symbiote is just very fucking symbolic, because as bad as he gets you know that he’ll still stick to us like how Venom sticks to Eddie.

THe very perfect outro for the album, a definite personal favorite because of the “Knock knock” line & the hook.

Overall album score: 9/10

A very great album which basically consists mainly about responses to haters, but somehow ends up being a breathe of fresh air of an Eminem record for the past 8 years.

Great team of producers (Illa you da MVP bro), great features, Eminem on his prime, executive produced by Dre & Shady,the return of Paul skits, no comment needed, definitely a classic already.

The only question I have in mind is that; should it really be like this for Eminem to put out a classic album? Should a big sack of hating in mass media on a shit album he put out previously fuel the urge for him to make one of the best records of him to this date? I don’t think so.

Personal favorites: The Ringer, Greatest, Lucky You (feat. Joyner Lucas), Not Alike (feat. Royce da 5'9"), Nice Guy (feat. Jessie Reyez), Venom (Music from the Motion Picture).

I’M STILL SALTY OVER THE FACT THAT I CAN’T BUY MERCH BECAUSE OF THE UNFORTUNATE SURPRISE TIMING. FUCK YOU EM.

Kamikaze > Eminem albums from 2010-2017

He actually did a serious damage because of his Kamikaze wtf he actually didn’t flopped, great.

You should’ve seen the memes for this album bro, shit’s wild.

Again, Eminem if you’re reading this, I love you for putting such a classic album in this era, bUT FUCK YOU FOR RELEASING IT THE EXACT SAME DAY OF ME BEING BROKE. Sincerely, a Stan.

[kingofthereunitedkingdom]

All right my dudes, let’s talk about this Amazon LOTR series. (Aka, the two cents that no one asked for ever. Seriously, all opinions are valid, I’m not here to fight, this is just what I think. Anyways.) Please read til the end.

I for one was initially very very upset. Because I don’t trust Amazon, okay? Peter Jackson’s LOTR trilogy was a once in a lifetime miracle. Him and Fran Walsh and Philippa Boyens poured their heart and souls into making the best possible adaptation of Tolkien’s masterpiece that they could. Everyone on that production, from Weta to the stunt people to the cast to Howard Shore were committed to bringing Tolkien’s vision to life. Was it perfect? No. Was it as close to perfect as we’re gonna get? Yes! There’s a reason it got all the Oscars. People who think that Peter Jackson’s LOTR wasn’t faithful enough are so deluded that it boggles my mind. It’s like people think he could just snap his fingers and turn the book page by page into exactly what you envisioned in your head when you read it. Modern day filmmaking has so many constrictions it’s not even funny. Producers, lawyers, marketers, auditors, people giving the project money who in return are in it for the money. And these are the people that Jackson had to work with in order to get the film made on the scale it was, rather than a home movie shot on a camcorder in his backyard. With this in mind, it’s a miracle that the films were as amazing as they were. You should actually all go watch the behind the scenes appendices footage on the extended edition DVDs. If you can’t get your hands on the DVDs, a lot of it is actually up on YouTube. The part where they talk about the process of converting book to script is very fascinating and explains a lot. Tolkien did not write these books with a movie in mind. The pacing is a screenwriter’s nightmare, he spends a lot of time on details we don’t necessarily need, and the time frame is positively loopy. You say Frodo was thirty three when he received the ring and fifty when he left the Shire, I say did we need to see Frodo moping around in the Shire for seventeen years? You say that the Fellowship’s travels were rushed, I ask if anyone ever wished they could spend a month in Lothlorien while absolutely nothing happens except resting and crying about Gandalf? I love the books, I truly do. But even I admit that a shot-for-shot adaptation would be awkward and at times difficult to watch.

Now, as for the show in question, do I think that Amazon read the Silmarillion and said ‘wow, let’s spend billions of dollars to make a faithful and heartfelt adaptation!’? Um, no. Somebody in a highrise read that Game of Thrones was ending and realized that now there’s gonna be an open market for that genre of show. Now, who else can think of a series that checks the boxes of fantasy, long and complicated af, pre-existing fan base, and minimal barriers when it comes to obtaining rights? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Tolkien is the million dollar answer (or billion, in Amazon’s case). What gives me hope is (now this might be hearsay, don’t take my word for it because I cannot confirm) that apparently they only have the rights to events that take place before The Hobbit and LOTR. Which is essentially just the Silmarillion and/or the appendices. Now, this could be interesting. The Silmarillion doesn’t have a screen adaptation, so whatever they did would be groundbreaking. There would be nothing to compare it to. But what I’m afraid of is that Amazon would be afraid of it. The Silmarillion is a lot to chew. It’s wordy, the characters would be hard to adapt on screen, and it would be really hard to market it because the concept of the Silmarillion has (unfortunately, but truthfully) long been associated with ultimate geekdom.

This is why Amazon is probably going to pick the lower-hanging fruit and reinvent popular characters we already love. I’ve been hearing a lot about how they’re doing it as a young Aragorn prequel. Which, for surface level selfish reasons depresses the heck out of me because Viggo Mortensen is and always will be my Aragorn. If this was happening years ago and they got Viggo to be the character again in a TV show, I’d be all for it. But unfortunately Viggo cannot age in reverse and if they were gonna use him they’d have to use a shit-ton of CGI a la Carrie Fisher in Rogue One which… *shudders* *war flashbacks*. But then again, Viggo has aged remarkably well. Did you see Captain Fantastic? Maybe with some heavy makeup and nice camera angles- Ah, it’s all just a pipe dream anyways. As long as they don’t bring back Stuart Townsend. Cue more shuddering. But I wish Amazon would understand that they’re investing their money in the wrong horse! We don’t want to see Aragorn reinvented! We’re happy with what we have!

Think about it realistically for a minute, in the hypothetical event that this is a young Aragorn TV show. Amazon is a studio giant, trying to establish themselves among other streaming services known for their original TV shows such as Netflix, Hulu, HBO, etc. We, as Tolkien fans, understand that Aragorn’s history prior to the events of LOTR is pretty straightforward. He grows up in Rivendell, is informed that he’s Isildur’s heir, goes into the wild to become a Ranger, fights for Rohan, fights for Gondor, falls in love with Arwen, etc. There’s a sixty year block of time between his childhood in Rivendell and the War of the Ring. That can’t possibly all be covered in one show, as hard as they try. They won’t be able to resolve his storyline, because his storyline and character arc get resolved during the War of the Ring. They would have to establish the fact that he’s the heir to the throne of Gondor, establish the fact that he’s conflicted about his destiny, establish the fact that he goes into self-inflicted exile as a Ranger, and then end the show without ever showing the resolution that he eventually does reclaim his throne and his destiny. Unless they were to just bite the bullet and remake the original trilogy. And then there’s the matter of a love interest. Arwen is his first and only love. Their courtship is fast-paced and they go long blocks of time without seeing each other. Noooot very marketable for a mainstream audience. So how are they gonna spice it up? Give Aragorn another love interest? That would literally completely ruin his character. How about no. Make it seem like a lot more happened between Arwen and Aragorn before the War of the Ring? I mean maybe, but how!? They still wouldn’t be able to complete a story arc, because the meat of the changes in their relationship take place during the original trilogy: Him lowkey wanting her to go to Valar and not die for him, her refusing because she believes in their love, their ultimately getting married and her being crowned Queen of Gondor. Again, you can’t give us any of that without remaking the original trilogy! Cue all the annoyed Aragorn faces.

So, that was a lot of negativity. Maybe this is too little too late, but: I remain hopeful. All is not lost. There is still some good in this world, Mr. Frodo! And maybe Amazon will prove me wrong. There may yet be light at the end of this tunnel. We may yet prevail, and get a thoughtful, heartfelt adaptation. Because done right, we could all use with some fresh LOTR content so we can stop rewatching the original trilogy. Tolkien wrote a lot, and the current screen adaptations have barely scratched the surface. As a fandom (and I most definitely include myself in this), we get very protective over our material. I think this is because we are one of the rare few whose material has remained untarnished and stayed behind the line of corporate greed and terrible adaptations (The Hobbit trilogy walked that line like a tight rope but even it managed to escape the true jaws of the beast.) Maybe, just maybe, this Amazon series can be a chance for us all to take a risk. Because if it pays off, you can all call me a fool of a Took and we can grab popcorn and watch a kickass LOTR TV show. And what would be more awesome than that?

So, in conclusion, I have a lot of feelings about this Amazon show. If you made it this far, thanks for bearing with me. We’ve got a wild ride ahead.

[analogscum]

SCUM IN THE AISLES #3 (Ninja Terminator)

Sometimes, in order to seek out the weirdest discarded slices of celluloid trash that cinema has to offer, one must leave the confines of their crappy apartment, and go to an actual movie theater. This is a column recounting my excursions into the b-movie wilds. This is Scum in the Aisles!

Look, here’s the thing, Scumbags: I would really like to discuss Godfrey Ho’s Ninja Terminator, which I caught on the big screen at the Drafthouse this past Monday evening. I really would. It was tremendous fun, the audience received the film rapturously, and it lit a fire in me to the point where I now want to watch every Godfrey Ho film that I can find. Oh sure, I can wax rhapsodical about the experience. However, I’m not convinced that the English language has evolved to the point where I can properly explain a Godfrey Ho movie. The closest I can come is, imagine you’re watching a six-year-old playing with a bunch of action figures, and you suddenly start to have a stroke. And even then, knowing that description, I guarantee you that you will not be ready for what Ninja Terminator will do to your mind. You really just have to buy the ticket, and take the ride. I did, and I will never be the same, thank gawd.

Before this month’s Video Vortex, I had only seen one other Godfrey Ho film, 1993’s Undefeatable, starring Cynthia Rothrock. While that film has its quirks, most notably the batshit insane death of its lead villain, it is mostly a fairly by the numbers kung-fu revenge movie, featuring some very impressive stunt work. Little did I know the history and filmmaking style of Godfrey Ho, which I will recount here very quickly, because it is important to understand why Ninja Terminator is such a lysergic cinematic experience.

Godfrey Ho got his start as a first assistant director for Hong Kong’s legendary Shaw Brothers productions. Eventually, he realized that there was a thirst for Hong Kong cinema in the international film market, so he decided to take advantage of that in a very, shall we say, idiosyncratic way. After forming IFD Films & Arts with producer Joseph Lai and a mysterious figure named Tomas Tang (who allegedly died in a fire in the mid-90s, but some believe was secretly Godfrey Ho himself), Ho set about flooding the international film market with no-budget action films, most of which included the word “ninja” in the title. In a ten year period, Ho made roughly 115 films, making him perhaps the most prolific director in all of weirdo cinema. How did he do this? Well, he kinda cheated.

Here’s how a typical Godfrey Ho ninja film came together: Ho would shoot a few minutes of footage featuring caucasian actors in ninja outfits, because caucasian actors meant bigger box office. He would then take an entirely different movie that had been bought by IFD Films & Arts, usually of Korean or Filipino origin, and edit in footage from that film to go alongside his caucasian ninjas, overdub all of the dialogue in English, and try to construct a coherent narrative out of all of these disparate parts. The same footage would get reused over and over again in different iterations for different films, an actor could work with Godfrey Ho once, and end up appearing in twenty of his films. Ho also loved to use unlicensed music; in Ninja Terminator, you can hear snippets of tunes from Pink Floyd and the Star Wars soundtrack, amongst others. The effect of this audacious Frankenstein cinema on your brain is like looking at one of those optical illusion paintings from the nineties: you know that there’s an image in there somewhere, but your brain has to adjust to it.

Apparently Ninja Terminator is one of Ho’s more successful efforts in splicing together what could be called a linear story, which, holy shit, if THIS is an example of a SUCCESSFUL attempt, I can’t wait to see what an abject failure looks like.

So at this point you’ve probably noticed that I’ve been stalling a bit. That’s because, once again, this movie is almost impossible to describe. But I’ll try: there are these three ninjas, two are honkeys, one is “Japanese.” Their master is like, yo, check it out, I’ve got the golden ninja warrior statue, which makes me impervious to harm. The ninjas decide that the statue turns people corrupt and evil, for some reason, so they each escape from the dojo with a piece: each honkey gets an arm, and the “Japanese” guy gets the body, I believe. Some other ninjas try to fight them, but they manage to beat them. Suddenly there’s a two year time jump. The evil ninjas find the “Japanese” ninja and kill him. This leads our head honkey, played by Ho mainstay Richard Harrison, to bring in his right hand man, Jaguar Wong, to protect the dead ninja’s sister, and make sure that the golden ninja warrior doesn’t fall into the wrong hands. Of course, Richard Harrison and Jaguar Wong never meet in person, because Jaguar Wong’s scenes were taken from a Korean drama called The Uninvited Guest.

Now is a good time to discuss some of the film’s…peculiarities. Apparently Ho heard that Garfield (yes, the cat) was very popular in America, so he decided to have Richard Harrison’s character, a middle aged man, discuss business on a Garfield telephone. Needless to say, the entire audience cheered in delighted disbelief the first time this phone appeared. Also, for some reason, whenever Richard Harrison and the other honkey are in their ninja outfits, they also have on a bunch of eyeliner, as if it’s 2004 and they’re going to a My Chemical Romance concert. Then there is the main villain of the film, Tiger Shen. There’s really no easy way to put this, so I’ll just say it. For most of the movie, for no discernible reason, this dude wears a woman’s blonde wig. Like a Gidget, beach blanket bingo wig. It’s hypnotically bizarre. And don’t even get me started on the toy robots that deliver ransom notes and hostage video tapes, because then we’d be here all day.

Basically, the entire film from hereon in is fight scenes. There is a new fight scene roughly every minute or so, which is so over the top and ill-advised, but somehow kinda works. Like, a horror movie with a fresh kill every minute would become tedious, but for some reason, Ho’s unapologetically maximalist take on the kung-fu movie is fascinating to me. Jaguar Wong cannot go anywhere in this movie without a bunch of dudes challenging him to a fight for no reason. And surprise surprise, he always wipes the floor with them. The fight scenes also feature a ton of weird stylistic flourishes, including instant repeats and freeze frames. Oh, and if you zoned out during a fight the first time around, don’t worry, odds are it will get repeated later on in the movie.

Along the way, Richard Harrison chops up a watermelon with a katana, we learn that ninjas can teleport…somehow, some crabs attack Richard Harrison’s wife, who works as a fashion designer of some sort and wants to combine swimwear and exercise clothing, there are two surprisingly graphic sex scenes involving a gangster moll who used to be Jaguar Wong’s sweetheart, a Korean pawn shop owner speaks with a Texas accent, and there are more double crosses than the goddamn VOID logo.

Eventually, Jaguar Wong and Tiger Shen have an amazing battle that totally ignores the physics of how sand works, and Richard Harrison gets back all the pieces of the golden ninja warrior. The bad ninja master from the beginning commits seppuku by blowing himself up. Freeze frame. End of movie. End of life as you knew it before you watched Ninja Terminator.

I can’t recommend this film highly enough. You almost HAVE to watch it in order to fully understand it, I did my best, but words fail when confronted with the likes of Ninja Terminator. Mad props to Annie Choi of Bleeding Skull for gifting us with this experience, and it was especially neat to finally meet her and chat for a bit after the show. All I can say is, next month’s Video Vortex looks and sounds amazing. For now, though, I must continue my journey into the wild, weird world of Godfrey Ho. There’s Ninja Thunderbolt, Ninja Destroyer, Ninja Dragon, Full Metal Ninja, Ultimate Ninja, Ninja in the Killing Fields…

[blackwoolncrown]

curious to hear your thoughts bc i think they're sharp, as a person still figuring out fandom. what do you think of the moral okayness of thorki (the ship)? they're brothers, but gods.... godly incest? at what point does "ship what you want" stop applying?

It’s not so much about where it stops applying. Understand that I actually never have said what people should or shouldn’t read- only that what a person chooses to focus on in general (and therefore including what you write, watch, or read) is indicative of something and in many cases of certain taboo* or violent material my heavy suggestion is that that something is ultimately meaningful.

It’s not ‘just’ fiction.

So like, me personally? I often don’t actually care what someone is into (with some logical exceptions), I care whether or not they’re aware of why, because often people would rather not inspect the why so they can keep enjoying problematic media (and also my actual Big Thing is I don’t approve of situations where someone engages in activity they are not fully aware of, because to me if you aren’t aware of the consequences or origins of your actions, you haven’t fully consented to what you’re doing and that makes me sad. Example: Do you smoke cigarettes? Fine! It’s your body; as long as you aren’t exposing non-smokers to second hand smoke, no one should have shit to say. But if you start smoking bc you believe that cigarettes aren’t actually bad for you and there’s no downsides, you haven’t fully consented and now I wish you either a) inspected your motives and actions or b) stopped).

Overall I suspect that many of the most vociferous defenders of ‘fiction is just fiction!’ are people whose interests often veer into what we often call taboo (I think that word is so ineffective) who don’t want to ask themselves why. My other general rule is that people are most doggedly defensive about what they get off to. There’s also the issue of people having already brought to question their fictive interests and instead of wanting to find out the answer, deciding There’s Nothing To See Here, Fiction Is Just Fiction! Or, on the cusp of identifying a maladaptive interest and feeling as if that’s an action of self-judgment, they identify with their fictive interest because to them judging it means judging themselves.

Ideally neither is necessary. You can just understand that you got into something at a previous time but you’ve grown past it, learned from it, and can walk away from it without shame. After all, it’s ideally just your business. All I’m saying is that you know what the fuck your business is, pardon my french, because people who don’t know themselves are….well, it’s an issue.So to answer your question, here’s another question: If Thor and Loki were not brothers, would you care as much? Imagine a situation in which Thor and Loki are not related, but still share a lusty rivalry. Is something missing? What is it? What about them being gods absolves, in your mind, the impact of their siblinghood?Often, something like sibling incest (which to me is, honestly, not my bag but obviously way less awful than parent/child due to a whole slew of issues with imbalance there) is exciting to people simply because either a) the incest is the barrier to love and in general barriers to love make ‘good’ stories because two people overcoming the bounds of a romantic limitation is a more moving story than two people who can love freely (bc we love suffering and strife! it seasons things, I guess lol) and the incest is just an easy yet huge barrier b) because we have a hard time working through something without sexualizing it and who could write or would want to read about two brothers’ having a heartfelt love/hate brotherhood? Very few people, apparently, because that’s not a valued interaction. Thus, add some fucking into the story and Thor and Loki can work out their antagonistic feelings without getting to the bottom of them because we imagine sex is an equalizer and a balm (it’s not, but I understand the idea has a huge place in erotic fiction and absolutely use it myself when I write for fun).That speaks, to me, of an issue (and I’m going to be specific here) with not really having the language or familiarity with the social concept of brotherly love to make a story about it and its struggles interesting. We don’t have the language and thus cannot conceive of brother/brother reconciliation without sex. And this again speaks of a larger issue our society has with sex and the huge void of emotionality between strangers and lovers (friendships, loyalty. non-sexual bonding? What’s that?). We cannot conceive of a way to intensify, for the sake of adult (in age, not nature) entertainment, something like siblinghood without using sex.

It’s just cheap writing.

On the other hand, the very real ramifications of this easy-route conflict writing is that it sexualizes and normalizes sibling incest (or other things in the case of other stories) and I think it’s incredibly callous to want to ignore the voices of SA victims in this regard. People like to retort that ‘well YOU might not be able to tell fiction from reality, but I can’ but here’s the thing: Your subconscious mind can’t. If your brain wholly knew that the fiction you were reading was Not-Reality the information would be irrelevant and would fail to produce an emotional response. The reason we are excited, aroused, sad, scared, angry, tense, etc during movies and books is because while we are focused on them our mind is interpreting the happenings as actual happenings. To the extent (!) that media ‘pulls you in’, your  subconscious believes it, validates it, and signals responses accordingly. That’s why it’s entertaining.

I say this because something many fans of certain content don’t want to face is that the consumption and support of, and proximity to certain types of violent or taboo content starts to lessen your reaction to them. I’m not speaking as an outsider, here, and so I caution you and anyone else to second-guess the awareness of anyone who says ‘there’s no way that’s true!’. What you repeatedly experience becomes normal for you. This doesn’t apply as heavily with Thorki or similar ships bc of the conceptual complexity (it’s pretty far-removed) but there are certainly fetishes/ships  where repeated exposure lessens your reaction to that concept in general. As if that doesn’t seem to be problem enough, since this is an issue of entertainment, this also means that a person seeks more of the content. After all, what fic fan reads just one story about their scandalous OTP? You need more, or more extreme versions. And I’m not talking out of my ass here- people for some reason love incest- it’s one of the top-searched terms on any adult media site for general consumption. On sites that it’s not, that’s only because the term itself is blacklisted and users use some other coded term. In the absence of pearl-clutching, we must recognize that smutty fiction and tube sites’ activities are largely the same. b/b m/s and f/d incest continue to draw attention and I honestly don’t know why. 

And this is why I pay no mind to people who say that fiction has no effect on reality. Even if it didn’t, it arises from our reality. The real minds of real writers in the real world. And I’ve seen the results. I work with sex and fetishes- it’s my job. I know what people as a whole are into and I’m begging y’all: UNPACK THIS BAGGAGE. Soooo many fetishes are just maladaptive coping mechanisms, so talk of ‘fiction being just fiction’ are literally bullshit. Fetish, and the relative psychology of it, is my job, to the point that it’s also what I have to navigate to try and ensure my safety (by avoiding volatile fetishists) and income (my first job, for instance, was a porn artist, and by now I’m an adult content producer and prodomme). And again, many fetishes are the back end of intense or subconsciously formative moments in our lives. The attraction is not ‘the thing’, it is a thread us leading back to that moment, to learn from our experiences, to resolve past issues with the wiser perspective of our older selves.Again, there’s not much going on in terms of Thor/Loki here but on a wider scale there is. Often in fandom, for instance, it’s not really about the ship so much as the fetish. It’s disguised in the language of fandom, but people who have a bunch of incest ships are incest fetishists, full stop. There’s no difference in motive between them and the ~gross pervert guys~ reblogging porn gifs and adding incest prose to them. If geeks could more often find porn gifs that looked like their taboo OTP rest assured they’d do the same damn thing, most of them. Ficlovers like to act like their position is somehow more morally acceptable because there are no ‘real’ people involved like in porn, but whether or not a physical body is used to represent the characters/roles is a pedantic and nebulous distinction at best. Your interest is still your interest. And people are going to hate this, but it sounds so much like pedophiles on 4chan  who say that their ‘fetish’ is okay because the characters aren’t real. Furries into cubs (not the gay dude kind but the baby animal kind) feel justified the same way because the figures are fantasy creatures. But they’re still expressly coded as the infantile versions of adult characters, and again, the motive is the same. I’m not saying ALL of these things are one to one, I’m saying it’s a similar logic: “This is a fantasy and as such it says nothing about me. It would only matter if I physically did it.” Which is dishonest and illogical bc one’s fantasies  and interests arise out of their own minds. Porn consumption is a night map of the human social psyche. It’s not ‘nothing’.

Sure, most of those people would probably never touch a child, but that’s because the real world provides consequences the fantasy world doesn’t- not because they’re not interested. I know bc I’ve seen them say that themselves, many times. I was a 4chan teen. What was normal there would make a well-adjusted person puke. But I was maladaptive, impressionable and young at the time and it became normal for me. So many forms of incest, rape, pedophilia, bestiality etc became normal in the ‘shock makes things acceptable’ speed-posting culture of neverending offensiveness there. And that’s not just a 4chan thing. It’s a group anonymity thing. Any imageboard vet can tell you that. When you’re in the anonymous group, what the group does is what you do, and you go along with it, continuously being desensitized until you suddenly go WTF or…keep going. And having seen these arguments before, I’m wary of those who go to battle on the idea of all erotic fiction being totally beyond judgement, because often what is going on is that people whose interests should be judged, at the very least by themselves, argue against that so that there are other people who feel the same way who don’t realize they’ve been manipulated to cloak the offenders in their community.

But I digress.

Since my feelings on Killmonger fans* started this, I’ll offer an example of my own: I think AoU Ultron is hot. But I don’t actually want to fuck him. I wouldn’t be interested in any ‘reader x Ultron’ narratives. Why? Because despite my love for and identification with  many villains (usually bc of their victim’s rage and queer coding which always leaves them far cooler and better dressed than the hero) and my love for robots, I can’t ignore that Ultron is a heartless, people-hating, death-machine. He has no interest in love, doesn’t care about anyone, and if he bothered to fuck a person (I fucking doubt it) he’d gladly fuck them apart. And since I love myself, I don’t find that appealing. If I found the idea of being fucked to death by a robot arousing, that says something about how I feel about my existence. I know bc I am strangely fascinated by the idea of armageddon (another reason Ultron appealed to me). Spoilers: it’s just easier to feel like you want the whole world to end when you’re so certain there’s no other solution and you yourself are afraid of the emotional responsibility of weathering the world and social interactions. When you love yourself and other people, the idea of seeing the world burn stops being so entrancing. So sure it’s an enthralling literary concept. Is it something I dedicate my blog to or obsess over?

No.

Other things I’ve examined- my love for robots. Do I find myself attracted to robots because they are humanoids you can objectify free of moral conflict? No, and that sucks for me bc that’s why most people like them and that affects the kind of adult media made about them (can you tell im bitter), it’s because I find humanoid robots to be something I can identify with, I see them as symbolically human, and relating to them is, to me, acknowledging that a human is also a construct with both programming and a will of its own it uses to explore and often fight that programming. My attraction to the concept of an automaton stems from my early realization that my own body is but a fantastic collection of parts, electric signals, programmed genetic data, pulleys and fuel. Amazing! Now that I know that, have I stopped consuming robot fetish media? Well yes but only because I can’t find any I like…but in general, no. I’m not ashamed of my attraction, I’ve unpacked it, faced it, and go on about  my life. It actually did lessen the obsession, though.

So, to stay on point, sibling incest as a concept is IMO not ‘wrong’ to write/read about objectively but it is questionable to perpetuate, romanticize, fawn over, collect, celebrate, etc.  Most problematic to me is the issue of how these ships are identified. Generally any time there are 2 handsome brothers in a piece of media, some not-small-enough contingency of the fandom assumes they’re fucking, and sees all forms of affection or antagonism between them as evidence of their lust.

What does this say about your ability to recognize sibling love? What does it say about the social value (or lack thereof) of the same? When ‘all feelings lead to sex’ is the overarching theme of our entire society, I can’t really say I am uncritical of concepts like hatesex and incest being so intensely attractive to people over, say, romantic love between two people who are not related by blood. A bit of a tangent but similarly while I get the chemistry appeal, the fact that ‘hatesex’ as a concept (two people who often express aggression, hatred, intolerance etc of each other being interpreted as actually masking feelings of attraction) is so popular is ripe for questioning. How far removed is it from “He picks on you  because he likes you” and other maladaptive forms of “loving someone means hurting them…a lot” which are real actual problems people suffer for right now?

Plus, it begins to suggest as I said before that all forms of affection/relationship end in sex. Even if sex never happens, sex must logically be the apex of love if two characters who have any kind of affection, even if that affection is also seen in the presence of aggression (!) or a moral barrier (family bond), are easily assumed to be sexually compatible to the extent that fandom perpetuates.

So back to your point, this is again not really an issue (as far as where I’m coming from) with what’s right and wrong. It’s an issue of people needing to take responsibility for themselves and being curious about their own issues and interests. I’m not advocating for censorship- I’m advocating for people to enlighten themselves about themselves in which case a lot of ‘taboo’ media would be produced in a lessened capacity.

I find it interesting that when I ask “Why are you into ____?” people don’t answer that question, or seem unwilling to, since their first reaction is to flip out and cry censorship. No one seems to notice that that’s not what I’m actually saying lol.

I don’t care what people do, if it’s not hurting someone. I care that people know why they do what they do. I am critical of things and of myself. I think people should just dare to be critical. It’s a great tool for self-healing that doesn’t involve perpetuating damage.*I dislike the term taboo because it and the moral judgment it applies is a nebulous term that is used far too broadly. Incestuous pedophiles soften their interest by calling it ‘taboo’, but interracial relationships are also classed as ‘taboo’, thereby suggesting that the term is as loose as ‘whatever many people think is wrong’, which is clearly far too transient and easily-influenced. Often, I find, it’s used as ‘something that is morally objectionable for reasons we’re not going to explore, we’re just going to lump all this shit together indiscriminately as taboo’.

*Again, I don’t care about people who mainly think MBJ is hot as Killmonger, that’s totally logical. I question people whose fantasies specifically extend to Killmonger THE CHARACTER being seen as sexually attractive **because** of/specifically on the grounds of his general character (i.e. radicalized, violent, murderous, apathetic) and what kind of person would fantasize about being subject to a man like that.

[smokeybrandreviews]

Smokey brand Movie Reviews: Tetris

After taking in Earthrise with straight gusto, I've finally found my way back to the backlog of 2020! The first flick on deck is Soul from Pixar. I’ve been hearing great things bout this movie from a lot of the people close to me. It seems that it’s a legit hit with black folks across the beard, whether the media wants you to believe that or not. A a black dude myself, I'm super interested to see if this thing lives up to all of the hype. Pixar, for me, has lost a little luster as a studio since being re-acquired by the Mouse House. Sh*t like Cars, Finding Nemo, Toy Story, and Monsters Inc. have all been exploited for those franchise dollars, tarnishing their excellent first entries. Not so much Cars. That sh*t is the worst but it makes the most money through merchandising so of course it’s a franchise now. What I'm saying is that current Pixar doesn’t make Up or Wall-E anymore. They’re a bit soulless so let’s see if Soul can actually put a little soul back into the once spirited company.

The Great

This film is f*cking gorgeous, man. Seriously, it’s the most beautiful movie I've seen all year so far. From what I've seen of Wolfwalkers, that one might give this one a run for it’s money but, so far, f*ck is Soul isn’t beautiful. Like, I'm not even talking about the animation, which is absolutely excellent, but more the entire art direction and aesthetic of the world. It’s absolutely breathtaking. Also, the animation is f*cking pristine. I need to actually say that, to put that energy out there. Soul is a masterclass of US animation.

This music is incredible. So much about the black experience hinges on music. We use it to weather strife, to lighten suffering, to celebrate happiness, and to just vibe out. It’s ingrained within from the very moment we are born. Cats talk about black people having rhythm but that’s literally because we all carry a song in our heart. Music is such an integral part of our people and this film emulates that with a respect and reverence that belies the cartoonish content on display.

This movie is so f*cking black, i cannot believe it. Like, it exudes black excellence, capturing the passion and and objective love we have for the arts. The look of this film, the way the characters move, the nuance of the cast’s delivery, and the music! Oh. My. God. The music! This sh*t feels like black people. It feels like when you put on Anita Baker and clean your house on Saturday morning. It feels like vibing with your grandma to the records she listened to as a kid. Soul feels authentically black and that’s mad rare. I thoroughly appreciate Soul for that.

The Good

The subtle social commentary delivered by this film with such delicious snark is absolutely chef kiss levels. That line about life being soul crushing got a real chuckle out of me and that bit about being a librarian made me laugh uncomfortably. That sh*t with he Knicks was absolutely hilarious. Look, this stuff is worth the price of entry, alone. Seriously, this movie is clever as f*ck and makes for a great watch experience.

I think a lot of the chuckle worthiness of this flick stems from the absolutely excellent writing on display. This sh*t is some of the best I've seen in a Pixar flick and that’s saying a lot because they are often excellent in that regard. I mean, even f*cking Cars had a decent script and it’s hot garbage water a a whole ass film. Credit to Pete Docter, who also directed and, apparently, runs all of Pixar, Mike Jones, and Kemp Powers.

This cast is absolutely loaded and they all deliver excellent performances. Obviously Jaime Foxx and Tina Fey carry this film as the leads Joe Garderner and 22 but everyone else is just as great. Alice Braga, Questlove, Angela Bassett, Donnell Rawlins, Graham Norton, Phylicia Rashad, and Rachel House all bring an energy to match the lead performances. Personally, i think this is one of the strongest casts in a Pixar flick, in a long time.

The pacing in this thing is exquisite. It gets you from scene to scene with some of the best transitions I've seen in these types of films. The music goes a lot toward making that happen but the chemistry between Foxx and Fey really ramp that transition up. Soul is a brisk hour and forty minutes. It never feels plodding or overstays it’s welcome. I was engaged the entire time, a rarity among movies sometimes.

The Okay

The overall message is one worth experiencing, for sure, but it’s kind of a downer when you think about it from an artist’s standpoint. It smacks of that sh*t we hear all the time. I can’t say that it’s wrong, that the message, itself, doesn’t have merit because, if 2020 has taught us anything, it’s that sh*t is not given, but goddamn is it sobering. I do enjoy the way Soul packages it though. It was the sugary syrup that makes it easier to down that bitter pill.

The ending felt a little abrupt. I was hoping to see more of Jo coming to terms with his life as a teacher, as a mentor, after he got his second life. I wanted to see him find that balance between his passion and living his life. I wanted to see him a few years down the line, teaching band, and reuniting with a now living 22. We didn't get any of that and, while it's a little bit of a bummer, I am okay with the overall finale.

The Verdict

I loved my time with Soul. It’s one of Pixar’s best and feels like a return to the old, soulful, Pixar of my youth. this movies feels like there is a purpose to it’s narrative, that it was made because of passion and not commerce. I’m sure Disney is going to submit this thing for an Academy award, as they should, but Soul doesn’t feel like it was produced strictly for that. Someone, somewhere, wanted to tell this story and thy told it exceptionally ell. Soul is chock full of beauty, outstanding performances, and real, honest-to-goodness, heart. I loved this movie so much and that’s saying a lot because i don’t particular like a lot of sh*t. Seriously, if you have the opportunity to check this out, definitely do that. Soul is easily one of the best films I've seen all year and it deserves all of the shine it has gotten thus far.

[smokeybrand]

Smokey brand Movie Reviews: Tetris

After taking in Earthrise with straight gusto, I've finally found my way back to the backlog of 2020! The first flick on deck is Soul from Pixar. I’ve been hearing great things bout this movie from a lot of the people close to me. It seems that it’s a legit hit with black folks across the beard, whether the media wants you to believe that or not. A a black dude myself, I'm super interested to see if this thing lives up to all of the hype. Pixar, for me, has lost a little luster as a studio since being re-acquired by the Mouse House. Sh*t like Cars, Finding Nemo, Toy Story, and Monsters Inc. have all been exploited for those franchise dollars, tarnishing their excellent first entries. Not so much Cars. That sh*t is the worst but it makes the most money through merchandising so of course it’s a franchise now. What I'm saying is that current Pixar doesn’t make Up or Wall-E anymore. They’re a bit soulless so let’s see if Soul can actually put a little soul back into the once spirited company.

The Great

This film is f*cking gorgeous, man. Seriously, it’s the most beautiful movie I've seen all year so far. From what I've seen of Wolfwalkers, that one might give this one a run for it’s money but, so far, f*ck is Soul isn’t beautiful. Like, I'm not even talking about the animation, which is absolutely excellent, but more the entire art direction and aesthetic of the world. It’s absolutely breathtaking. Also, the animation is f*cking pristine. I need to actually say that, to put that energy out there. Soul is a masterclass of US animation.

This music is incredible. So much about the black experience hinges on music. We use it to weather strife, to lighten suffering, to celebrate happiness, and to just vibe out. It’s ingrained within from the very moment we are born. Cats talk about black people having rhythm but that’s literally because we all carry a song in our heart. Music is such an integral part of our people and this film emulates that with a respect and reverence that belies the cartoonish content on display.

This movie is so f*cking black, i cannot believe it. Like, it exudes black excellence, capturing the passion and and objective love we have for the arts. The look of this film, the way the characters move, the nuance of the cast’s delivery, and the music! Oh. My. God. The music! This sh*t feels like black people. It feels like when you put on Anita Baker and clean your house on Saturday morning. It feels like vibing with your grandma to the records she listened to as a kid. Soul feels authentically black and that’s mad rare. I thoroughly appreciate Soul for that.

The Good

The subtle social commentary delivered by this film with such delicious snark is absolutely chef kiss levels. That line about life being soul crushing got a real chuckle out of me and that bit about being a librarian made me laugh uncomfortably. That sh*t with he Knicks was absolutely hilarious. Look, this stuff is worth the price of entry, alone. Seriously, this movie is clever as f*ck and makes for a great watch experience.

I think a lot of the chuckle worthiness of this flick stems from the absolutely excellent writing on display. This sh*t is some of the best I've seen in a Pixar flick and that’s saying a lot because they are often excellent in that regard. I mean, even f*cking Cars had a decent script and it’s hot garbage water a a whole ass film. Credit to Pete Docter, who also directed and, apparently, runs all of Pixar, Mike Jones, and Kemp Powers.

This cast is absolutely loaded and they all deliver excellent performances. Obviously Jaime Foxx and Tina Fey carry this film as the leads Joe Garderner and 22 but everyone else is just as great. Alice Braga, Questlove, Angela Bassett, Donnell Rawlins, Graham Norton, Phylicia Rashad, and Rachel House all bring an energy to match the lead performances. Personally, i think this is one of the strongest casts in a Pixar flick, in a long time.

The pacing in this thing is exquisite. It gets you from scene to scene with some of the best transitions I've seen in these types of films. The music goes a lot toward making that happen but the chemistry between Foxx and Fey really ramp that transition up. Soul is a brisk hour and forty minutes. It never feels plodding or overstays it’s welcome. I was engaged the entire time, a rarity among movies sometimes.

The Okay

The overall message is one worth experiencing, for sure, but it’s kind of a downer when you think about it from an artist’s standpoint. It smacks of that sh*t we hear all the time. I can’t say that it’s wrong, that the message, itself, doesn’t have merit because, if 2020 has taught us anything, it’s that sh*t is not given, but goddamn is it sobering. I do enjoy the way Soul packages it though. It was the sugary syrup that makes it easier to down that bitter pill.

The ending felt a little abrupt. I was hoping to see more of Jo coming to terms with his life as a teacher, as a mentor, after he got his second life. I wanted to see him find that balance between his passion and living his life. I wanted to see him a few years down the line, teaching band, and reuniting with a now living 22. We didn't get any of that and, while it's a little bit of a bummer, I am okay with the overall finale.

The Verdict

I loved my time with Soul. It’s one of Pixar’s best and feels like a return to the old, soulful, Pixar of my youth. this movies feels like there is a purpose to it’s narrative, that it was made because of passion and not commerce. I’m sure Disney is going to submit this thing for an Academy award, as they should, but Soul doesn’t feel like it was produced strictly for that. Someone, somewhere, wanted to tell this story and thy told it exceptionally ell. Soul is chock full of beauty, outstanding performances, and real, honest-to-goodness, heart. I loved this movie so much and that’s saying a lot because i don’t particular like a lot of sh*t. Seriously, if you have the opportunity to check this out, definitely do that. Soul is easily one of the best films I've seen all year and it deserves all of the shine it has gotten thus far.