#especially rural queers like myself

[her0isms]

there is something to be said about the connection that all (US) southern / bible belt queers have with each other that no one else could understand

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for asking people in my GSA to cool it with the PDA?

so i (17f) am aroace and sex repulsed. i'm the only aspec person in my school's GSA. at meetings couples will hold hands, kiss, sit on each other's laps, make out, etc. it grosses me out and makes me really uncomfortable to see PDA, especially with people i'm not close to. i had been trying to ignore/look away when people would get all lovey dovey bc i know it's the one safe space for gay kids to be themselves since it's a rural area in a famously homophobic state, but it still makes me really uncomfortable. the problem happened when we were all sitting in a circle talking about fundraising ideas and a girl (i'll call her jen) started talking, so i looked at her, and she finished by saying "it was actually abby's (her gf) idea!" and kissed her cheek. i reflexively made a face and looked away but jen saw and got offended and said "what? i can't kiss my girlfriend? are you a puritan or something?" other kids started saying stuff like "yeah she got all weird when she saw me and my bf holding hands". they all KNOW i'm aroace and sex repulsed so it's not like it was a surprise. i said "well PDA makes me really uncomfortable and honestly you guys can be kind of gross sometimes" to which abby said "oh my god it's not like we were having sex in front of you! get over it!" at this point the teacher overseeing everything told us to "stop bickering" and finish the agenda for the day. at the end of every meeting we have a wrap-up where we talk about plans for the next meeting and stuff so i asked if everyone could lay off the PDA, at least during the actual meeting (not counting before/after/breaks since i can just go in the hall). everyone got really pissy and started calling me a puritan and prude and i started crying. after the meeting when i was waiting for my mom to pick me up the teacher pulled me aside and said that i shouldn't ask the other kids to "hide their affection" just bc i didn't like it especially since it's the only safe place for them to do it. i started crying again and asked wasn't this supposed to be a safe place for me too? she said she sympathized with me but i was asking a lot of the other kids. some of my ace mutuals i talked to said the other kids and teacher were being rude and i'm just as queer as they are, so they should respect my boundaries too. but i'm second guessing myself after the teacher told me i was asking them to hide their affection. i really don't want to leave the GSA bc i do love it and except for the last meeting i've gotten along really well with everyone there. AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[genderoutlaws]

i presented on this panel a hot minute ago about like being trans in the workplace basically and it’s really so encouraging to be able to speak out to a range of ppl but especially to the older trades union guys who like, kinda have no idea about anything, but are actually super eager to learn and support this new face of labor organizing as their comrades all the same.

there was a question from a guy about like the use of queer nowadays tho, since i introduced myself as a genderqueer transsexual, and because when he grew up like that was so full of hate. and i answered like yknow, i wouldn’t broadly apply it still because it is full of pain for so many people, but as with AIDs activists in the 80s and 90s like, it’s reclaimatory, it’s meant to be punchy, it’s meant to make you uncomfortable.

but i keep thinkin n i’ve landed on a more solid answer for myself which is like. i’ve Really struggled with the word queer bc i grew up in a small rural conservative area where that was not said with love, where kids on rooftops threw rocks and called me a faggot when i walked by, where i couldn’t even go through a taco bell drive thru without being called a dyke. and the thing is now as times get a lil more socially conscious, as i live in a city with more liberal values, as i am in a workplace that at least claims itself to be LGBT friendly, i’ve realized that just because they stopped calling me a queer doesn’t mean they stopped treating me like one. so i think that’s why i’ve been able to take on words like dyke and fag and queer, out of pride And out of pure spite.

[drdemonprince]

sorry if this goes beyond like, just talk about passing but your post reminded me of a friend of mine whos dead set on going completely stealth once hes moved away for college. ive tried talking to him about this maybe not being super wise & that he should still try to connect with queer community whist hes there so he doesnt end up feeling isolated but hes super stubborn basically about living as if he isnt trans. i dont wanna lecture him on how he should live (im not a binary trans person so its not like ive gone through this myself). it mostly just worries me to think of him getting hurt - especially considering ive not really seen other people talk about having positive experiences doing this. obviously this goes beyond just trying to pass and theres definitely like, underlying stuff that i can only support him to deal with himself, but would i be being a dick to keep trying to advise him to not go fully stealth if he can ? like, is this moreso something people figure out for themselves by going through it?

I know a lot of people who have had a perfectly decent experience going stealth, in all kinds of places throughout the world from rural Alabama to small-town Japan. It's definitely possible to do safely, but most of the people I know who have done it do feel profoundly lonely. Or they're extremely normie straight trans people who don't even really think of themselves as part of the queer community and integrate into cis-ciety pretty easily. I don't think it's The Move, personally, but I think it's definitely something that one has to figure out for themselves. But you can be a supportive presence and a throughline to your friend that connects him to queer people while he attempts this route.

[childofthewolvess]

Regarding your spiritual psychosis posts: How does intersectionalism come into play when discerning and getting support with spiritual psychosis (or any psychosis for that matter).

I've seen the kinds of people who say some delusions aren't that serious, use miscellaneous excuses for it, ect. Some of them are personal experiences said individuals have had- I've also fallen down the rabbit hole of questioning that kind of thing myself.

That being said- a main pattern I've noticed with people who say these kinds of things, is that more often than not they have been harmed by the psychiatry industry. PoC and chronically ill individuals, queer people, ect. People who live in conservative areas where there *aren't* many good options for mental health help. Hell most doctors I've met throughout my life have been very similar, I've been falsely diagnosed with things I don't have or out right had doctors refuse to treat me for one reason or another. Medical abuse, especially against minorities is a very real and common issue. Discrimination against non Christians and having diagnostic criteria ignored because they're non Christian is a real issue.

You say to seek medical assistance if you suspect you or someone you know is going through spiritual psychosis but how do you manage the fact that in a lot of cases, seeking help can actively harm someone? I ask this genuinely because I think a lot of what you say regarding spiritual psychosis is something to be taken seriously but I struggle to trust anyone who simply says "Just go see a Dr" without acknowledging the amount of harm that could come of that. Bad health care isn't a rarity it's the norm in so many places.

Hey Anon! Thanks for the good question! This is a whole other topic, and I appreciate you bringing it up.

I want to make it clear that I keep telling people that if they recognize signs, they need to seek medical assistance, because there is truly nothing else I can do in this case. The only other thing I can do in this case is to keep spreading awareness - but I’ve also been yelled at numerous times on here for “armchair diagnosing” with my posts and so I am forced to make it very clear that I am not out to diagnose people, and I’m not a medical professional who can diagnose.

I also want to emphasize that like any other medical condition, psychosis is dangerous. It is not just a belief or experience. It should be treated as such. Like depression or other psychiatric disorders, we can’t separate them medically from other medical conditions. If you have a broken leg, you need to get it treated eventually; if you have psychosis, you need to get it treated eventually. Like a broken leg can end up in infection and worsening health, psychosis can end up as a life-threatening dangerous condition. Someone with psychosis, no matter their identity, is an at-risk individual who needs to find safe medical assistance as soon as possible. While I understand that safe healthcare is tough, especially in the United States for us marginalized folks, this is why it’s important to know your safe medical resources in your area and available to you.

At the end of the day, letting the problem worsen because of bad experiences with psychiatric care due to being marginalized identity are going to be more harmful than finding a safe resource and seeking help. Trust me, I understand this at the very bottom of my heart. I was a kid with psychosis in a military family and almost died because I was not aware of the resources I could reach out to. I lived in rural Kansas at the time. As sad at it is, this is reality: the problem gets treated, or it doesn’t. I got lucky and found that I could trust my social worker at school, and my parents were forced to take me to psychiatric care. I wouldn’t have survived if the school district didn’t make it clear that I needed immediate medical intervention. Even if it may be harmful at first to an individual, in the long run, it’s critical that any kind of medical problem that presents a threat to you others needs to be treated.

Here’s the other thing: even in these tough situations, there’s not much else you can do other than to encourage folks to seek safe healthcare and medical attention. Otherwise, you may be encouraging the problem or causing someone to fear medical help.

As a chronically ill queer and trans individual, I have been harmed by the psychiatric industry, but I also know that it’s important to understand that knowing your resources and safe spaces are integral. It took me years (and a couple of moves across states) to find a safe psychiatrist and therapist as well as medical care. Between a help line in your area, to an online therapist or psychiatrist, or any kind of hotline. There are outlets to seek help, especially for marginalized folks in mental health care. And I know this from first-hand experience. You must know your safe resources.

In fact, I grew up in a military family, and for those of you that are unfamiliar, mental disability and awareness is non-existent in military culture because if you had a disability, you were discharged. If you were suffering mentally, you’d lose your job. This is a rampant problem in our homeless veterans in the US. This mentality extended from active duty members to their families. PTSD in veterans was, and still is, the only recognized military psychiatric medical care. I grew up in a family that had the mentality of “fix it yourself.” I couldn’t get my psychosis treated until I was diagnosed with OCD far after my family was retired from the military. I’m a severely autistic and ADHD adult who was never diagnosed as a child because of mistrust in psychiatric fields and it caused a whole minefield of other problems years down the line. I grew up in the south and the Bible Belt, where safe resources were nill to none - but there were still resources. In this era of the internet, it’s better to seek that assistance than let the problem worsen.

Know your safe sources and medical help. Research in your area doctors or clinics that specifically mention queer care and support for marginalized communities. In the age of the internet, finding a hotline or safe nurse line you know that you can call to is critical. Find trusted friends or loved ones who can reach out for you when you can’t do it yourself. Create a circle around you of medical assistance you can at least try to trust.

[genderqueerpositivity]

I legitimately feel worse about TDoV coming up this year than I have in any past years. I have been trying to motivate myself to action, and I have totally failed. I'm overworked and burned out and I've been absolutely dreading the end of this month because I haven't done enough, I should be doing so much more than I am.

I feel a distinct pressure to be more visible. A responsibility almost. As if by being more loudly and openly trans, I could personally convince everyone that we aren't so bad after all, that we should just be left alone to live our lives. Unfortunately things aren't that simple.

I feel like a bad person and a bad activist at times for being unwilling to put myself more at risk, for not having the time or spoons to take part in some of the work happening locally right now, for being so overwhelmed by trying to keep up with the amount of anti-trans news coming out every day that I simply shut down.

I also feel hyper-visible this year. In part thanks to HRT, I am more visibly gender non-conforming than ever. I feel like an outsider, an intruder in public spaces. I feel eyes watching me sometimes, examining, judging, staring as if they could peel away the layers of my gender expression. Sometimes it appears as though they are doing mental math, calculating, trying to determine if the answer to the equation is XX or XY. My body itself is a physical obstacle which causes other people to stumble over their words and double check the sign on the restroom door.

And sometimes I feel invisible. I spend most of my time around people who are not aware of my transness and who absolutely would respect me less if they knew. Even those in my blood family who do know don't even give me the basic respect of using my own name. And I feel fairly certain that legally and socially transitioning would be the end of my ability to advance at my job, right as the opportunity for a possible promotion could be coming.

I feel sad and angry at times. About the future of the trans community and this country, about my future as a trans queer person and my ability to continue medically transitioning. Sometimes the rage I feel is a living thing all on it's own, terrifying...and necessary, because it burns like fuel, creating fire out of despair, and I'm not certain that I would be able to see past the hopelessness without it.

And I feel unsafe, frequently. Especially in public, where I now prefer to have some sort of weapon on me all the time. A false sense of security is better than no sense of security, I've decided. Before this year, I never felt the need for that before--not when I lived in a far more rural and conservative area than I do now, not even in the aftermath of experiencing a home invasion. Now I carry knives, own pepper spray, and am considering buying a stun gun or taser.

I love being genderqueer and transmasculine. I love it so much. I love the routine of applying my testosterone cream every day, I love the ways that testosterone has changed my body over the past two years, I love the way my voice sounds after so many years of hating it, I love being called sir and Mx. and he and they. In spite of the danger, I love it when someone obviously can't decide which binary gender to ascribe to me; it's an incredible feeling, finally being seen purely as myself in all of my queerness.

Gender euphoria is a magical thing and transitioning is empowering and life saving, an act of radical self love. Having experienced these things, knowing that I may have them taken from me, and seeing that so many others may never get to experience them in the first place...

I am afraid for us. And I grieve for us. And I love us. And I admire our strength and resilience and resistance. And this is what TDoV will be for me this year and I'm hoping that will be enough.

[sequencefairy]

Hi, I hope this is okay to ask. If not, totally okay! I am recently becoming comfortable with my attraction to women and bisexuality. However, I am also in a relationship with a cis man I care about and love very much. Can I ask about your journey and becoming comfortable with your sexuality within the context of your relationship?

Big question, I love it. Thank you for asking.

So, my partner and I have been together since I was 18, which was well before I really started interrogating my sexuality and what that meant for me. I grew up Catholic, with Conservative-leaning family, especially regarding social issues, so I never really knew there were options other than being straight.

Looking back, I definitely had some very intense friendships with girlfriends in highschool that probably should have clued me in earlier, but I didn't know it was an option and I liked boys just fine, so I figured everyone had girls they wanted to sit really close to and whose hair they wanted to touch, and clearly I enjoyed kissing boys, ergo I was straight.

When my partner and I moved in together in my third year of university, that was when I started to wonder about my sexuality and what being queer meant, especially as someone who was and continues to be in love with a cisgendered dude, and is generally monogamous. I looked at my attraction to women and my attraction to my partner, and looked at our relationship, wondering if I was missing something in it, and wondering if I wanted something he couldn't give me. I worried a lot about whether it was like, the seven year itch, or a quarter life crisis brought on by swapping majors in university and narrowly avoiding a nervous breakdown. I wondered if I was just imagining things, or if I was just being influenced by being around out, proud queer people on the regular as part of being a volunteer at the women's center on campus. I wondered if I should say anything, to anyone, or if I should just keep it to myself forever, suppressing the desires I realised I'd been feeling for such a long time, now. I wondered if my friends would still like me. I wondered if I would have to come out to my family. I wondered if my partner would leave me. I wondered if we would survive this revelation I was having about myself.

It was a scary thing to think about. I could lose someone I loved very much and who I knew loved me, and whose life was entwined with mine. But I also knew that he was a good person, and a kind person - I wouldn't have been with him otherwise, so I had to trust that he would see this not as a threat, but as a deepening of our intimacy and so, in the end, I decided I couldn't keep it to myself. I couldn't go on pretending I was something I wasn't.

It's been a journey, really - I had to come out to myself, and then to the people around me who mattered and who I needed to love all of me and not just the most public bits. I came out to my partner fairly early on, and it was a bit fraught! I was worried he'd not take it well - and initially, to be honest, it was a touchy thing between us! We've grown so much as a couple since then though, that now it's just a part of me that he accepts and celebrates and acknowledges.

I still, many years on, struggle with being queer enough because I'm passably straight, and don't outwardly 'Look Queer:tm:' so people just make assumptions. Even though I'm pretty loudly out online, I'm a little less out in real life. I work in a professional corporate setting, my parents are still Conservative, the community I live in is very rural, etc., which all adds up to not always feeling safe to be out and so I maintain my stealth mode a lot.

But, the crux of it all for me, is that my relationship is queer because I am in it. I am queer regardless of who I am or am not dating. I love my partner, and I intend to keep on loving him until we are old and grey and buried, and my being queer is just a part of me as the person who my partner loves. I fell in love with him before I was out to myself, and maybe, in another life, I'd have met a woman I loved first, or figured it out sooner, or or or - but I don't live those other lives, I live this one, and in it, I love him, and he loves me, and I'm queer, and that's enough.

Welcome to the journey, beloved. It's a lifelong one, and we all do it at our own pace. There's no right or wrong way to be queer, there's only the way you are.

[acousticinsect]

I'm a queer disabled artist living in rural Ontario, and I'm trying to sustain myself with my art. As anyone who lives where I do knows (especially if you've had the misfortune of dealing with our convoluted and predatory disability application process) the money that should be there to help us live and function as human beings is not nearly enough to do so (thanks to the centrist and conservative governments not caring whether people like me live or die). So trying to meet basic needs is a challenge....

ANYWAYS, I make art

I do characters:

Animals and nature:

and MORE!

All of my info, including commission, products, and general support can be found on my carrd here and my website here

(reblogging this would help me and my art reach a wider audience. So if you're able to it would be much appreciated! thanks so much)

[itsbinghebitch]

just as Moonlight Chicken comes to a close, i have the chance to find myself reading a book very relevant to its themes. How to Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy by Jenny Odell, discusses the notion of what it means to be useful in free market capitalism and felt very poignant as I was watching MLC, both book and show placing emphasis on rootedness and responsibility to our home/ecosystem in a world where, increasingly, our space and relationships are determined by the logic of capital.

throughout the show, Uncle Jim’s arc deals with the impending closure of his chicken diner due to corporate development in the area. we soon find out the pandemic has taken a toll on businesses in this neighborhood, and that Uncle Jim offers unlimited chicken to his customers after midnight. this is later questioned by Wen, who thinks Jim could be making a bigger profit if he ditched the all-you-can-eat after midnight business model, and notes that “other diners do that.” Uncle Jim disagrees. he says: “I’m comfortable with the way I’m doing it.” he thinks in terms of the larger ecosystem of his community: of the food waste (where we know big corporate chains like Starbucks have to dump good food at the end of each day), of the usefulness of his economic role beyond bringing him a profit.  

Wen’s profit drive and his participation to the development of the Marina food court is shared by a few others in the MLC world: from the neighborhood local landlord to Gaipa’s mom. throughout the show, we feel the pressure of smaller players having to learn to adapt to grow in order to survive.

related to capitalist growth, Odell’s book says, “in the context of health and ecology, things that grow unchecked are often considered parasitic or cancerous. Yet we inhabit a culture that privileges novelty and growth over the cyclical and regenerative. Our very idea of productivity is premised on the idea of producing something new, whereas we do not tend to see maintenance and care as productive in the same way.”

economic growth in the universe of Pattaya, the Marina food court construction, Wen’s promotion, are all intertwined with the challenge of the same capitalist growth mindset at the level of interpersonal relationships: Wen chasing for a confirmation of his status with Jim, Li Ming’s struggle to determine his next step towards economic sufficiency, Heart becoming deaf and his parents’ reaction to essentially hide him away from society (with the implication that disabled individuals are a dissonant surplus in a society that functions by triaging its weakest).

the theme of leaving and starting anew is also important in MLC. Jim and Jam abandon their rural origin for economic prosperity; Li Ming’s wants to do the same with America. Wen leaves his relationship with Alan and Leng discusses the possibility of an abortion for his child with Praew. it stands out, therefore, that almost every character completes their arc not by leaving and starting anew, but by learning how to make use of what they have. Li Ming locks in his plans to leave not out of economic necessity, but out of the desire to help Heart. Leng and Praew stick together to raise their child despite economic difficulties. 

notably, instead of cutting off ties, Wen and Alan leave room for friendship based on the mutual recognition of their past together and a relationship based on maintenance and care, which is important especially for queer people who may be estranged from biological family (it’s not lost on the viewer that Alan has no one but his sister-in-law to help with moving out). homophobic members of family are however muted and de-emphasized; MLC is much more interested in spotlighting Gaipa’s mom and Jam coming to terms with their sons’ sexualities.  

it’s also no wonder that at the end of the show, we don’t find Uncle Jim overhauling his life to create a different economic reality for himself. he is instead content to be providing for his newly enlarged family, as well as the rest of the community, as he repurposes his diner into a food truck. he parts ways with us on the following note: “I choose to sell Chicken Rice because it’s a simple dish consisted of four components: rice, chicken, broth, and sauce. It might only have four units, yet everyone’s definition of ‘delicious’ differs. Some love to eat chicken skin. Some love chicken thighs. Some don’t eat it with the sauce at all. Some love the hot broth. That’s what makes this simple dish stand out.”

and in a world where capitalism tells us to disrupt and innovate, this is, in fact, counterculture: the idea that a simple dish like chicken and rice shouldn’t be changed. that it is already great in and of its own, though it can look differently for everyone; it only requires us to have the right perspective and outlook to see its value. as Jim contemplates this throughout the show, it could be that the ‘right person’ and the ‘right time’ is right there in front of you, or at least that’s what i think that is what MLC tells us. that instead of fleeing and searching for growth elsewhere, the most radical act you can take against capitalist displacement is to firmly plant your roots where you are; to renew, regenerate, restore and rekindle your relationship to those around you, to your community and, most importantly, to yourself.

[wild-wombytch]

Mix of reading review and personal shits and existential crisis about lesbianism : (also TW for rape, I'm putting the most TMI paragraphs in purple so you can skip them)

I finished reading a French book with pictures and portraits of lesbians. While I liked it (there are especially fascinating portraits of immigrant lesbians and elderly lesbians), I have mixed feelings about it.

On the bright side, no TIM apparently, even a TIF dating only lesbians and not pretending to be male who was quite wholesome to read about. We stan endangered species.

And the less bright side...A lot of the women here seem to be bisexuals calling themselves lesbians and saying they "became" lesbians or they made a choice or were "happy" with their male exes. A lot of uses of "queer" (although all these women undeniably are SSA, have sex with and date women). The average experience seems to be women who were with their moid for 8y or so, had kids with them, and then had experiences with women or met their current long-term female partner and have more babies with them.

It's a bit disappointing. Like, I can understand older women who married long term with men maybe being lesbians. I can understand women trying to be with men (like I did) because they had no real representation of lesbian relationships (especially in rural/very religious areas) and never questioned their lack of attraction to men because they thought everyone was meh about them and hetero relationships were seen as the "default" or because they were afraid of their attraction to women.

But I'm sorry, women who are happy with men can't be lesbian by definition. And women who stay for YEARS with their moids... like c'mon. (Kinda TMI following) I spent two weeks and a half with "mine" because I was stuck in a foreign country and couldn't go home after two days there and I already felt sick and wanted to kms and had genuine mental breakdowns curling on the floor crying and only calming down by mentally organising my luggage and making plans to maybe hitchhike and panhandle my way to the airport while taking opioids until I was numb enough to be gaslighted into giving him another chance. And another. And another...and so on.

Technically, I was never fully penetrated because I was so repelled that I became a venus flytrap and I'm thinking that the bleeding I had was more about having tears down there than my hymen. Very much a "you shall not pass" moment.

When I tried again with a male thinking that maybe it was just because the other one sucked as a person and disgusted me as an individual and other men would be different, I almost threw up during intimacy and cried (which didn't keep him from forcing me to sex acts I didn't want and which made me sick and hurt me anyway).

Genuine question: do y'all think it's possible to be lesbian when you're with a man for years? To be lesbian and have kids with your husband? Could it be internalized lesbophobia and lack of solid French lesbian community ? Or is it genuinely impossible in your opinion?

Because at the same time...a lot of these women also spent like 15, 20y with their current partners and couldn't be with men anymore if they were single.

But it bothers me. From one hand, this book is good at getting rid of the guilt of having been with men/raped by men, but on the other hand...I genuinely couldn't relate to the average narrative there. There was I believe 1-2 lesbian only who were gold stars and while some say men weren't for them or were a mistake...I haven't seen strong words against men and the male body or penises.

Like, for me, what makes me call myself a lesbian is not just my love/desire/attraction to women, it's also my repulsion for the male body, no matter how much I attempted to "fix" it. (Kinda TMI) And looking in hindsight to all the signs, like constantly ""joking"" "haha but what if I'm a lesbian" or being against traveling (before caving in the pressure) because just reading about penetration genuinely made me sick to the stomach and made me dizzy in a bad way, even before I was confronted to actual irl dicks (that plus dysphoria). I went with men in the first place because I'm fucked up and struggle to dissociate friendship, fear and love, and my ex was the first person who seemed to not treat me like garbage (the very first days we met online at least, afterwards it's a very different story) and because I had problems with alcohol and stuff and thought I was pansexual because I was attracted to women but never asking myself if I ever felt something for men (I didn't, except fear. Which sometimes gets tangled with having "butterflies" because again, I'm fucked up).

Idk, for me lesbianism by definition is tied to repulsion or at the very least indifference towards the male body (all the male bodies, not just the ones who traumatized you), not just attraction to the female body, which can be bisexuality.

I'm also curious (since I see this hot topic a lot) about everyone's opinion about women who simp for, say, fictional men (maybe even exclusively feminine male characters, created to cater to a female audience). Who for example have fantasies about them, which don't involve penetrative sex, thinking of dicks or male characteristics they'd be confronted to irl like smell and hair and average moid behaviours. Could it be internalized homophobia/misogyny? A way to feel safe/deal with some ossues they had with males? Can they be lesbians (maybe lesbian in denial)? If so, does it i stop once they accept themselves? Or is it a dead giveaway of bisexuality? Curious of what radfems think about this since I've since very varying opinions on Reddit and such and met women like that irl.

[bowokshop]

Growing Up Queer in Australia - edited Benjamin Law

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

‘No amount of YouTube videos and queer think pieces prepared me for this moment.’ ‘The mantle of “queer migrant” compelled me to keep going – to go further.’ ‘I never “came out” to my parents. I felt I owed them no explanation.’ ‘All I heard from the pulpit were grim hints.’ ‘I became acutely aware of the parts of myself that were unpalatable to queers who grew up in the city.’ ‘My queerness was born in a hot dry land that was never ceded.’ ‘Even now, I sometimes think that I don’t know my own desire.’ Compiled by celebrated author and journalist Benjamin Law, Growing Up Queer in Australia assembles voices from across the spectrum of LGBTIQA+ identity. Spanning diverse places, eras, ethnicities and experiences, these are the stories of growing up queer in Australia.

‘For better or worse, sooner or later, life conspires to reveal you to yourself, and this is growing up.’

With contributions from David Marr, Fiona Wright, Nayuka Gorrie, Steve Dow, Holly Throsby, Sally Rugg, Tony Ayres, Nic Holas, Rebecca Shaw and many more.

I am privileged enough to have grown up with the internet, with information about queer people and queer identities so difficult to hide, such that even at a christian school, I was able to find the words to describe myself almost as soon as I recognised those parts of myself.

Even so, hearing first-person accounts of Australian queer people, like me, dealing with Australia's culture and biases, made me felt seen in a way I don't think any other medium could have.

Growing Up Queer in Australia portrayed all different aspects of queerness, from celebration and pride to rejection and heartbreak. It was a wonderful reflection of thoughts and feelings I've had, as well as those I would never have considered to be part of the queer experience.

I really appreciated the range of queer identities represented in the book; from lesbian and gay to queer, every letter of LGBTQ+ was represented. I do wish we got more stories from the '+' part of the queer community, but I am glad that Growing Up Queer does make an effort to include more than just gay and lesbian authors. I especially appreciated the range in gender identities and presentation of the authors, including both masc- and femme-presenting lesbians and their struggles, trans people who realised both early and late in life, people who had strong gendered feelings that didn't neatly fit into these boxes.

I also welcome the intersectionality present in Growing Up. As someone who is white and able-bodied, it was eye-opening to read how deep the authors' queerness was related to other marginalised parts of their identity such as disability and race. I appreciated the variety in Australian class and location represented in the book, including rural, small towns, suburban and city perspectives. It made me really happy in one story to notice where they were from and say "Hey, that's near me! That's my community!"

As Benjamin Law addresses in the wonderfully written foreword, I am very glad that the title chosen is 'Growing Up Queer in Australia.' The use of 'queer' feels very inclusive and tells me Law is not shying away from the tougher parts of queer identities in an effort to make the book more marketable.

For me personally though, trying to digest the a-spec parts of my identity has been a big part of my personal discovery, and for this reason I would loved to have seen asexual and aromantic representation. It seems from personal anecdote to make up a surprisingly large section of the lgbtq+ community, so it was a bit disappointing that with dozens of authors involved, there was not a single a-spec author.

In general, I was a little disappointed there weren't many authors from the '+' part of lgbtq+, such as a-spec, non-binary and genderfluid. There are some identities that feel marginalised even within the queer community and this book could have been a good opportunity to bring light to them. I would have especially loved to see 'contradictory' identities such as he/him lesbians.

I am still giving 5 stars because I understand when compiling and publishing a book like this, there will always be people who felt left out by it, and I can see and appreciate the effort that has gone into diversity and intersectionality in Growing Up Queer.

Growing Up Queer, through its diverse collection of stories, reaches out and says, You are not alone. There are others who have been in the same situation.

[uselessheretic]

You know, the other thing about the whole Anger Discourse that infuriates me is that it reeks of ableist rhetoric. It's just the other, faux-progressive side of "xyz mental health issue is fake actually" because the outcome is the same-- they're denying the existence of a condition that could use some support. Like, as disabled queer living in a rural area who grew up in an abusive household, I "reasonably" have depression and issues with emotional regulation. You could probably trace back my every negative action to some trauma from my environment, and you could probably see an internal logic to everything I do because of course you could. Everyone has an internal logic that they follow most of the time. Even mentally ill people when they're being mentally ill. It's absolutely absurd to think "Oh, you can't have problems with emotional regulation because your actions make sense when I think about them and factor in your history! Everybody knows people with real problems are completely irrational and have no possible other reason to act how they do beyond Mental Illness!" Like, at that point it comes off as trying to say "you can't have a problem! You're not crazy, after all! You're too understandable and relatable!"

And it's just. It's not helpful. I've been the target of this kind of approach to mental health irl and "No! You don't really have depression or xyz! You make sense! You're just suffering because of our bigtoed capitalist hellscape society!"-- even if it holds a sliver of truth in that Societal Trauma Bad-- has the same outcome as "Xyz mental health issue is fake actually." Because at the end of the day, both these people would deny me the medication and therapy I need to make me enjoy myself and my life because they're dismissive of the fact that I do have a problem that could benefit from support. It's just that one of those arguments also pats themself on the back for their forward-thinking.

Anyway, sorry to rant in your inbox, I just didn't want to make my own post because these discussions are always a magnet for harassment, which I don't handle well for obvious reasons, even when it's just tumblr discourse.

it's so weird because i feel like we keep bringing up mental illness and trauma with ed's emotional reactions and it's always just?? ignored or minimized. like above all other reasons the thing i care the most about regarding ed and anger is how it's a reaction to trauma and what it means to see a survivor of abuse who's imperfect, but still deserves love. i feel like this is a lot of people's experience with relating to ed! a lot of his storyline centers around depression, trauma, anxiety, etc. the scene in the bathtub of him experiencing a flashback/panic attack felt so incredibly real for how that manifests in my own mental health.

survivors aren't perfect. their reactions aren't always just fear and hiding away and being a bit insecure. being able to see ed be messy in his mental health feels extremely validating especially for it to be a moc. mental health topics are minimized severely in communities of color where our experiences are brushed off as not that bad, or that it's just reacting to a shitty system, or being told you're not actually mentally ill you just need to be more disciplined. even for myself, it felt really?? REALLY hard getting support for my mental health as a teen since the time i tried my dad pulled back from going through with the appointment because i was just having "some anxiety" and not anything severe enough to be referred to a therapy service that dealt with "actual" crazy people.

it's just like fndjdjdjd ed's character is everything i've always wanted in a character of color including the flaws. especially because survivors of trauma often view themselves as irredeemably bad people or as tainted. seeing ed be able to have major flaws, where even when he hurts people, the narrative still treats him as human feels? really unique? he can do bad things, but that doesn't exist in a vacuum. he wasn't born that way and he's not out here doing it because he's evil, but because he's hurting. he still deserves a chance to be better, he still deserves to live in a world that's kind to him, and he still deserves to be loved.

and i really like that the show emphasizes the need to be soft with him and that he is fragile. moc are rarely afforded this in media and it just feels? really good to see for an older moc as well? like ed and izzy's relationship is super fucked up, but a big part of that is that it gets worse throughout the season. but i really liked the end of ep4 where ed is able to admit to izzy that he's burnt out and he needs to get out, and izzy doesn't judge him even once. he wants to help him and he agrees to ed's plan to escape piracy. it feels shockingly vulnerable for the two when you dig into it.

ugh anyways i love ed. i love that he's angry. i love that his anger is so strongly connected to fear and insecurity, and how it's almost childish really. (something something trauma therapy and connecting with your inner child and how the parts that hold your hurt tend to be younger)

he's really my perfect girl and it feels wild to me for it to get reduced to some shallow assumption when it's just? so much more than that?

[swordbeliever]

I don't really have anywhere safer to ask this and you seem wise. So I just wanted to know if you or any others who have transitioned from ftm or started to present more masculine have had this experience. I have had people treat me almost impure or dirty after they find out I am trans masc. I get this mostly from cis people but also from fellow gay and trans people sometimes and don't understand where this is coming from. I feel pretty lonely in the community and wonder if others have also had this happen? Also how to build confidence and friendships even with this happening?

(Apologizes if this is an inappropriate question please don't feel like you need to respond)

hi sorry for the super late reply anon i hope u do see this...

first thanks for saying i seem wise LOL i dont really think i am but i've been out for a long time and have talked to many other transmascs in my time...

i definitely get the feeling youre talking about. being / becoming a man is an incredibly isolating experience, imo. and it can be even moreso difficult being a minority & a man. i recently talked to a cis guy friend about our experiences of the intersections of masculinity and our minority identities (my queerness and his blackness) and he shared a lot of the same feelings - its difficult to talk about our issues out of fear that we could be seen as belittling women's experiences, its disappointing to see our fellow men lash out at women because of this feeling, and just... its hard.

through it all i have found solace in the people who treat me as a whole person rather than a specific identity. my transness is incredibly important to me, of course, but it sucks when i feel like i have to justify my presence in a space by clarifying it, or when its all people want to see about me. i have found a lot of people through the years who see me for myself and love me regardless of whatever identity i or they hold. i do prefer to try to make friends in queer spaces, but honestly, ive been most successful at it in some places that are less expected, especially at work.

some of the best and kindest men i've met have been in these ways. the 45 year old ex-punk rocker handyman, the ex-football player son of a mechanic from rural ohio, the guy i worked with at subway who outright told me i was the first trans man he'd ever talked to. i personally always find workplace friendships the easiest to make since we're next to each other 8 hours a day several days a week.

i have absolutely no idea if any of this makes sense, im halfway through a shift at work rn and its past midnight and im out of coffee. i hope this helps in some way, if anyone wants to add anything for anon or smth feel free :>

[sweaterkittensahoy]

Your post about "don't shit on the south" re: Alabama abortion abruptly reminded me of the worst time I've ever dealt with people immediately assuming Southern = Bad. A very loudly out-and-proud classmate of mine, upon hearing that I'd primarily been doing community and economic development work throughout the Tennessee valley prior to grad school, asked me - completely seriously - how I felt about working to improve the lives of people who wanted queer folk to die as a queer person myself. I don't even remember what my response was other than "everyone deserves to have a good quality of life" because I was absolutely fucking flabbergasted she thought that was a reasonable or acceptable question to ask - especially since we had known each other for all of a week and I hadn't actually made any indication to her that I was in fact queer! Apparently my undercut and #vibes were enough for me to be labelled without my input.

Yeah, this has been an experience I've had with academic-types who hear I'm from Arkansas and are shocked I exist as a queer who doesn't want to burn down the state.

Like, maybe the problem is that you're stuck in the repeated media portrayals of all Southern people as dumb and haven't actually talked to any of them. Some of the most liberal folks I know are from my hometown.

And the way politicians who say they care about rural folks act is a major issue, too. I remember when Hilary said she wasn't going to "bother" with a lot of Southern states, and I went on a rant for DAYS. Like, lady, you are famously the wife of the FIRST PRESIDENT FROM ARKANSAS. WHO WAS WELL-LIKED. WHAT THE FUCK. Like, you literally just announced to every poor person in the country that you assume they're too stupid to like you. By just handwaving an entire fucking region that is KNOWN to have pockets of devoted, politically interested and politically savvy people who are looking for a sense of actually being treated like intelligent people.

I'm so proud of every single person who is fighting for the abortion rights of Arkansas people right now. Based on what I hear from my own fairly conservative family down there, it's tougher than it has ever been in my life to get people to listen to why it's needed. Because Arkansas IS red as fuck. No question. And it's loud red, you know what I mean? Like, holy shit, organizers for abortion rights got enough signatures for an 18 WEEK NO QUESTIONS ASKED POLICY WITH EXEMPTIONS AFTER THAT. Every single person who went out canvassing for that campaign should be making millions running political campaigns. Do you understand the walls they just climbed with their fingernails to pull that off?

Fuck anyone who dismisses whole states or whole regions or whole groups of people they don't fucking know a thing about. Every single person who worked on this ballot initiative is a fucking hero. And there's a whole lot of folks like them. Fuck. I wouldn't be surprised if the work Stacy Abrams did to turn Georgia blue is part of what got the group in Arkansas to get to work.

[peaches2217]

i'm queer+atheist myself but i think you only require 1 braincell to understand that queerness+religious belief can be compatible. isn't a focal point of christianity the fact that god is omnibenevolent? there's the whole concept of "agape" in the greek new testament, too. as you said, jesus christ himself was a foothold for theological + social reform. religious texts need to be regarded as products of their time. several christian denominations recognise gay marriage (idk what it's like in the usa but in my country our leading church wholeheartedly accepts homosexuality). idk man it's just stupid that you're shunned for stating the obvious, keep your head high

You would think, wouldn’t you? But bigots (of all religions, but especially Christianity) are so fucking LOUD that they drown all of that notion out; people who have been wronged by religion then become straight-up antitheistic, mocking and belittling anyone who believes in any sort of “imaginary friend” and shunning queer religious people from communities they desperately need to be a part of as well, because God knows they’re facing enough backlash from the aforementioned bigots. I understand, I don’t begrudge that mindset, but I still hate it.

I appreciate your message! I know the Episcopalian church recognizes queer rights here, but that’s about all that comes to mind. And lucky me, I live in rural Oklahoma, so the nearest Episcopal church is like an hour away. orz Thank you anon, and I hope your day is excellent! 💗

[makgilbert]

Writeblr Introduction

Hi! I finally decided to create a proper writeblr and talk about my writing in more detail now that I'm actually editing a novel, not just writing. So-

Who am I?

I'm Mak. I'm 20 years old, and I use they/them pronouns. I'm a non-native English speaker, but trying my best to write in English. I'm a uni student trying to become a published author. I've been writing basically all my life, but I started my current WIP a few years ago. I finally finished the first draft this summer.

What I write:

fantasy

in particular low or urban fantasy

sci-fi (usually in short stories)

contemporary (exclusively in short stories)

horror (only starting to write in the genre)

poetry (i used to write for myself but i've started sharing my poems recently)

What I like in what I read and write:

queer characters

magic powers

strong imagery in descriptions

found family/ strong relationships between characters

mythology (especially slavic, but i like it all)

What I'm Writing

(editing) In the Village (#in the village)

A YA fantasy story set in a village where a group of teenagers gain powers in a mysterious accident. They must rise up and save their village from a growing magical threat, while dealing with their own issues, like being queer in rural Poland, and the loneliness that comes with it.

(planning) The End is Nigh (#the end is nigh)

30 years ago, the Great War ended, and the longest time of peace that anyone has ever heard of in the world’s history began. Now, new conflicts are brewing. Political tensions are at an all-time high, and only one person in the world knows the end is nigh. We follow three people who are living through those uncertain times: Aspa- a Saint and a necromancer, Cuora- a guard in a small town, who wants to fight in a proper war, and Len- an aspiring artist with a knack for poisons. As well as Yukka, a travelling bookseller, who is trying to stop the world from ending.

(writing) Aromantic Grief (a short story) (#aro grief story)

I'm writing a short story about my experiences with being aroace. I'm hoping to have it done before next year's Aro Vsibility Day. It tackles aro grief in an amatonormative society through a character currently called Helen.

and I'm always writing or planning something new that I'm not treating as a project but as a hobby. And maybe if that something is good enough, I'll post about it.

I hope you'll follow me and we can talk about each others' writing, and hype one another up. Thanks for reading!