#especially when it comes to other people. intellectually she knows she should probably be more upset most of the good things she has now

[gothmiqote]

yk as interesting as it might be to have varha meet azem i actually this it would end up doing a Number on her self esteem lmao

like the idea she has of herself is like,,, Yes she's strong yes she's the "chosen one" butshe also doesn't know for sure she's got a ton going on outside of that. before she was the warrior of light she really was Just Some Guy who had her uses on the field, there's no denying from her that she's a good shot or handy with a glaive. but also those skills don't really roll over into other areas of her life. she still thinks she lacks in a lot of the softer skills--social things largely, but not just those. before she was the warrior of light, she really truly did Not have anyone else in her life (unless you count her one estranged brother who also survived the calamity. she, personally, would not) & couldn't sort out how to properly maintain relationships past a casual depth. it wasn't that she couldn't get along at all, she just never found herself being anyone's first choice. like, she will fully admit to being an attention-seeing kid. to be fair, it makes sense with as many siblings as she had that there would be a need to stand out, she's just never felt like she actually managed to do so.

intellectually speaking, she knows sh's far from stupid & that again, most of her talents really shine in the heat of battle. but like 90% of her friends are basically doctors, & she's aware she would probably have killed the world a long time ago if all the strategizing was left up to her. she'll contribute to these discussions because she's expected to, despite being really goddamn aware she wouldn't be invited to the table without the Very specific circumstances they all find themselves in.

speaking of those friends, it's not lost on her that she wouldn't have them if she wasn't hydaelyn's chosen. maybe they might have crossed paths loosely at some point, but there'd have been no reason to keep her around. having a title like that has its downsides & can definitely be more of a burden than a blessing, but on the whole? she's a bit relieved that she's been able to benefit from it in some more selfish ways (in her opinion). it's a nice change, people having expectations of her & being somewhat interested in her, even if a lot of that interest is directed towards the warrior of light instead of just her as a person. that bit of distance is weirdly comfortable at times. she's not the most emotionally graceful person, usually being too-direct or at a loss for word or reading a situation entirely incorrectly. she's impatient and forceful & is unsurprisingly bad when it comes to navigating environments like sharlayan. the only thing that saves her is the fact that she's Really good at looking confident & making her mistakes appear intentional. having a reputation helps too.

but azem? arsinoë? it's So clear within minutes of meeting her that she doesn't have these same issues. she's the type of person who draws others in without even trying. she's intelligent and witty and doesn't trip over her words (or struggle to find them in the first place). she's able to hold her own just fine in intellectual circles--hell, other people would almost certainly find her intimidating, if she didn't also radiate the type of energy that puts people at ease. there's nothing fake or exaggerated about the confidence she walks around with, and nothing seems to get in her head the same way it does varha. it's the type of inner-security she can only dream of.

i think at first she would want to meet her, just for the novelty of meeting the originator of her soul. i don't think it would cross her mind until it was too late that she actually didn't enjoy doing too much self-examination, and this would be a weird externalized version of that. and of course azem is interested in her--she's interested in a lot of things, but a shard of her own soul from a distant future would be especially fascinating. but varha would start to pick up on just how comfortable she was in her own skin quickly, and it would eat it her. people flock to azem in a way they never did to her Until she had a hero's reputation, until she offered something that was more than she could be on her own. that was when they were willing to look past her short comings. did azem even have those? probably not.

& varha's never been so sick with envy in her entire life, but she's not hateful about it. one, it doesn't make sense & two, she's Also been sucked into that vortex. azem's presence is... a lot, actually. it's domineering in any room--not unkindly, but she's impossible to ignore. she's also just a naturally charming person; there's nothing to hate. but the more varha watches her and searches for similarities, the more she starts to conclude that she seems to have inherited the more negative traits of azem. she's got the same intensity, gets tunnel-visioned about problems, & will Immediately lose her cool if you push her buttons correctly. all of that would be fine if she also got a sliver of that intangible thing arsinoë has that gives her a gravitational pull. she's like the sun, & varha would find herself starting to burn if she stays around too long.

part of her wonders maybe if venat had a hand in making sure the chips fell where they did. somehow she suspects if she were more like azem, she might have some stronger feelings about life or death situations; she might decide there was too much to live for to take certain risks. but if she felt like she was constantly falling short? or like she could have been a stand-in for anyone else? maybe it made her work just that much harder to prove something.

she's not surprised the present hades has such disdain for her. aside from the whole 'going mad from grief' thing, of course. she carries some of the least-loved parts of azem without her same light. standing next to her exposes failures of her personality that she never even knew to look for. varha doesn't dwell on hades' accusations of being a non-person; it's a waste of her time, especially when she knows otherwise. but she definitely feels like a cheap copy when faced with the original. of course, the general disinterest she'd dealt with from people her entire life made sense now. seeing what could have been--what was---makes her immediately understand. even if none of them had Met azem, they would have reacted if she'd resembled her in any way. she could get how losing someone like that would make you want to tear the world up in their name. and varha has people she loves now & who care about her in return, who would definitely mourn her if she were gone, but that type of reaction? nah, nope. they'd get over it in time; the death would be ordinary, as would the grief. which is fine by her, because she actually never Wants to see that level of destruction created for her sake, but still. she gets it.

[blitheringmcgonagall]

Du you think Sirius was aware of just what horrible abuse Harry had suffered from the Dursley? He didn't seem to be in POA which is understandable, but when when he was around the Order In OotP he must have been after speaking with people like Hagrid, Moody and Tonks and Remus. But if so, why do you think he didn't talk to Harry about it?

Sirius had no idea.

There is no evidence in the books that anyone told him! Certainly not Harry, who doesn’t like worrying adults especially people he cares about and he is already worried about THEM. Sirius seems surprised and pleased that Harry wanted to live with him so readily and I’m sure would have prodded for more info if he had been able to stick around. He’s unhappy his relatives won’t sign his leave for Hogsmeade form and happily does it, paw print and all! But doesn’t hear more.

Remus and Tonks are not up to speed, Harry treats him as Professor Lupin, not as a father-figure like Sirius? There is no evidence that Harry confided him him, in either of them, they did not have a full idea what had happened in his early years? Neither did Moody. Hagrid knew his family didn’t look after him properly but bear in mind most adults treat Hagrid like he is not a proper adult and seem to dismiss him, in the same way people with intellectual disabilities are treated by many others?

There are other adults who absolutely DID know about Harry’s early life - Dumbledore and McGonagall.

There is no way Dumbledore would have risked telling Sirius. Sirius clashed with him as it was and likely would have (rightly and appropriately!!) lost the plot with him if he found out.

McGonagall could have and probably should have told him but we see no interaction between them in canon. Was it because she felt really guilty for not believing he was innocent and not fiercely demanding a trial??? That’s my headcanon!

The Weasleys also knew but Molly is seen clashing with Sirius numerous times and most likely thought he wouldn’t be able to handle that info and might do “something rash”. Arthur wasn’t going to go against Molly’s wishes, he comes across as eager to keep the peace.

Do you know who I think would tell Sirius? Harry’s friends!

PS I don’t believe in all this Azkaban lark, that’s a stupid overly-dark AU written by that eejit-who-must-not-be-named.

For the ACTUAL, factually correct version of the marauders story please read here…!

[aemonded]

Hi, first of all i wanna to tell you that you do pretty good job. I love your posts. I just wanna aks you if you would be nice.I wanna know Why Lewis Nixon hate Buck?What i heard its only because Buck was sport guy? And if you have some information about Grace Nixon. I read your post about her and i think she was amazing i want know more about her. I would find some information by myself but i found only few information about her.I am from Europe and i dont have so many book i have only three about easy E in my own language. I not good in english. I hope that not rude from me write you.

I would understand if you dont answer. Please keep going what you do. 🥰😍

Hey there :)

First off, absolutely no problem writing to me, and thank you for your kind words <3

So to address both of your questions:

1) Lewis Nixon "hates" Buck: Lewis Nixon "hates" Buck in the way that I think a smart, more intellectual guy, would hate a "jock." The sources I've seen don't seem to elaborate on it more, but from my reading of it, Lewis Nixon was always more a prep school, smart, rich kid who spoke several languages, and therefore, probably didn't like someone who HE saw as only getting opportunities or benefits coming from the fact that he was good at sports (This is a bit ironic, coming from Lewis Nixon, because we all know he was like, so rich he actually had a TOWN named after his family, but there you go). So what I always understood from it, Lewis "hated" Buck because he didn't see being good at sports or being an outgoing, sporty type, as something that should be rewarded. AKA he was one of those guys who was like, "Why do people worship jocks? All they do is run fast."

On the other hand, Buck also didn't like Lewis, from what I understand, because he probably thought he was too "high and mighty" being a rich guy looking down his nose at him, when to be fair, Buck wasn't just "good at sports." He played with Jackie Robinson, who was the first black player to play in professional baseball in America- he broke several athletic records- he could have played professionally in a multitude of sports from what I understand. To be short: He was talented, and was probably annoyed that Lewis was like "YEAH YEAH YOU RUN AND HIT A BALL, GREAT, ANYONE CAN DO THAT."

So I think both of them were just a clash of personalities- both more dominant, big personalities, but on opposite ends of the spectrum- Lewis having a big personality but being known for his mind and being sarcastic and smart and witty, and Buck being known for being a leader and sporty and athletic.

I found this post by @winnix85 that lays out more examples than I knew of here from Buck Compton's book. From what they say, it might be because Winters didn't gel with Compton either, therefore, Nixon as Winter's best friend doubled down on being an asshole to him. But from what I see it's all down to personalities clashing, and not just one incident. I feel it's that thing where we all have coworkers where even if they're not the worst person in the world, you're like, "They're kind of weird/off and we don't gel well together, even though there's nothing objectively terrible about them." That's sort of the vibe I get- they were coworkers who didn't really fit together, but also took the opportunity to poke back at each other if they got the chance (Especially Nixon. Which is kind of petty, but what can you do).

2) Grace Nixon:

I wish I could provide you more information on Grace Nixon, but literally everything I got in that post was actually randomly from her obituary posted online, which was presumably drafted by her/ with her consent before she passed, or by her family members who obviously loved her. I just compiled it into a dumb list for the post of all the amazing things she did.

So I don't think there are any GREAT sources on her besides that (in any language, including English), but I'm happy they provided that amount of detail in her obituary, because it really paints a picture of what a fun and resilient lady she was. I think only someone like that could have both kept Lewis Nixon's attention, while also being strong enough to call him on his bullshit when he was behaving badly (Like he was with Buck, and most likely in his first two marriages (whoops)).

Anyhow, hope this answers your questions, darling, and have a great day!

[plushvibes]

hello ~ this is also selene, bringing to you the one of the many reasons why plotting has been slow: kang shiah, 26, former almost valedictorian turned lingerie brand owner, party girl, and a self proclaimed gossip girl success story ... sort of. she's actually the you've got mail skeleton in the gossipgirl subplot. the dossier is ready to go, and under the cut i'll have her app and other information to facilitate plotting! please like this post or hit me up via disc ( paraselene woman#8196 ) if you'd like to plot, as always!

tl;dr ⏤

message: saw kang shiah in seoul. they were taking shots in the vip section of a nightclub. i think they’re a/n co-owner of a fashion brand now? a lot of people say they’re kinda unreliable but they seemed super collected to me, tbh. they really look like jennie kim and remind me of luna la though wtf. thought you might want to know because i remember your post about them that said she lied about being rich when she was actually poor. still can’t believe that happened six years ago.

back in high school, shiah used to be known as most likely to be valedictorian. she would live, breathe, and eat education ⏤ was only seen studying and nothing more. sure, she may have seemed a little awkward and dressed a little frumpy, but according to her that was because she was from america and they did things differently over there. so it came as a shock when she was spotted within the now infamous gyeonggi party video that shot gossip girl to relevancy, the one girl that never goes out now taking shots and dancing provocatively. not only did the relationship with her devout christian parents deteriorate significantly, she also lost her coveted spot at yonsei university. and as if that didn't make her into a recluse, gossip girl also came out with proof that she was actually poor and only got into her private high school due to a scholarship ⏤ and lied to everyone about how rich she supposedly was. shiah graduated with barely any friends, no education prospects, and a disappointment to her parents ⏤ she has no one to really blame but herself.

she does eventually get into a less than great university that hardly stimulates her intellectually thanks to the video becoming a stain on her reputation, which causes her to drop out by her second year and take up miscellaneous jobs while she attempted to get her life together. a shining beacon comes in the form of a model that she befriends at the gyeonggi party, one of the only that stay by her side. due to her book smarts she takes her into her project of developing a lingerie brand ⏤ shiah taking over the business side while the model takes over the creative and networking side. and within several years and hard work ( along with some little white lies and nepotism on the model's side ), vanagloria goes from a small passion project to a booming company with a brick and mortar boutique within several years, with her at the helm next to her friend. who yong shiah is now with gossip girl's return is a wildly different person that she left prior to her absence ⏤ an official member of the elite who makes her presence known in every major party throughout the night, only to meet with clients and investors throughout the day. the return of the blog that technically made her doesn't completely frighten her ( should she thank her? she's not exactly sure ), but she definitely doesn't need everything that's hidden in the dark to come to the light.

plot ideas ⏤

the model, aka her bestie from her story is wanted, but she'll probably end up being a wanted connection. around the same age, from old money, has been modeling since she was able to walk, went to gyeonggi and met at the infamous party. also a co-owner, model, head of the creative direction of vanagloria. has been there for shiah through thick and thin and she'd probably die for her at this point

but also other found family, especially since her parents want absolutely nothing to do with their debauched daughter ( even financially which is like okay? stay broke i guess ) and she has to pretend as if that isn't completely heartbreaking

exes, flings, fwbs, and things of the sort ⏤ she only truly started dating within the last 3-4 years, so i can imagine everything is new and fun and exciting at first but she gets easily distracted ... might have cheated on some of them ...

those that she's worked with at vanagloria! when it comes to work she can be a bit ... micro manage-y so she likes to stick her nose in everything to make sure it's being done right. influencers and celebrities that have worked with or promoted the brand or smth

also people that are regulars at the boutique, or went for the first time and shiah fitted you and hyped you up to buy

ofc nightlife friends that stay out until like 5am with her, she needs people that can keep up

ooh, the cousin from her story that helped her lie about being rich in high school? in her story i said she was upper middle class but her story is flexible enough to change it to have rich extended family members too! she also has a hunch that it was her who ratted her out to gossip girl too, so that leaves room for some drama

enemies! people that don't think she belongs, someone that she has a long standing grudge against, or people that she straight up doesn't mesh with for whatever reason

sorry these aren't the greatest, but i've always been better at brainstorming and catering plots to characters and such!

[halfbad-333]

Wrote this a long time ago and just found it in my drafts, what the heck, posting it. Just more AU

He wrapped his arms around her more firmly, and leaned his chin on her head, aligning it in the direction the horse faced. Around them lay gently rolling hills, softly green and verdant in the morning’s summer heat. Tilled fields, vineyards in neat rows reached into the distance. Below them R saw a well-kept garden surrounding a graceful stone manor, with matching outbuildings and stables nearby built in the same warm yellow stone. “This is your home?” R asked softly. She had not thought much about his background, though she knew he would have to come from gentry to be a knight. “It was my home,” he corrected her, equally softly. He went on contemplatively, almost to himself. “I gave it all up when I joined the Order. Not that it would have been mine, as the second son.” She could feel his jaw tighten in its familiar sardonic smile. “I hadn't realized that I would be giving up my family as well. Not that it was a big loss, at least that's how I felt at the time. And probably my family felt the same, with good reason, looking back on it. I was a sour, unpleasant child, and a sullen, defensive youth. Awkward, blemished, too tall. Always hiding from any social obligation or grace, always with my head in a book and a smart remark for my parents or brother, thinking myself intellectually superior to the lot of them. Is it any wonder they favored him? He was a good-looking, happy child, a kind and handsome young man, their first born. Excellent at sports and bright enough to give my father confidence in his heir. He probably is still cheerful, good to his people, and loved; the estate still appears well managed, even if my father has passed on. But I, always sour and angry - my father couldn’t stand being around me. I was perhaps better than my brother at horsemanship and arms, but I never had patience for the other sports they loved. My father and brother enjoyed them together and were close, but my father was not a patient man and had no time for my petulance. My mother would laugh at him sometimes, especially when he was angry at me. He is dark-complected like me, while my mother and brother are fair. She would call him “the Jew” when he was angry, teasing him about his dark countenance, but he didn’t find it amusing. I thought it made him hate me more.” B nuzzled her hair and kissed her gently, as if to reassure her. “I hated it more than he,” he said reflectively, “though she never teased me in that way, I could tell it made it even harder for him to care for me.” He laughed sadly. “My mother was always kind to me, but thoughtless, never relaxed and close as she was with my brother. I never felt truly loved by any of them. Mostly I stayed in the stables with the horses and yardmen, or in the library with my studies and books. I would have done anything to please him,” he continued sadly. “But I never could.”

“And then, when I developed a fondness for Adelaide and she laughed at me, told me I was the last man on earth she would ever marry, I knew my heart would break. That no woman would want one such as me. I hated all womankind as spiteful, stupid bitches. It was then I decided to join the Order. I was seventeen, I thought I knew everything. I was so young then.” He gave one of the puffing little laughs that R loved so much, but this time its sadness broke her heart. He stopped speaking and held on to her, his face still buried in her hair. “I thought I would show them I was no Jew, that I was as Christian as any of the best, a true defender of the Cross. That I would fight in Jerusalem, that they would be proud of me, and sorry for their unkindness. I left without their knowledge or blessing. It wasn’t until I was a novice that I found out that I could never communicate with any woman again, not even my mother. I could never know what my family thought, and that, indeed, I should not care what they thought. When my brother sent his letter shortly thereafter, telling me that he had married, I knew the Order was my family. I never heard from any of them again or what happened to them. They likely will not welcome me. But perhaps they will give us another horse before they send us on our way.”

He prodded the horse and they continued slowly down the hill towards the house.

As they approached a farmhand appeared from the stable, looking at them suspiciously as if sharing a horse was an indecent thing to do. “What can I help you with, Sir?” he said, directing his gaze at Brian. He set his feet apart aggressively, as if he expected hostility. He was about twenty, no one he had known before. “I wish to speak to the master of this house,” Brian stated firmly. The man looked at him and opened his mouth as if to respond rudely, but before he could say a word, an older man hurried from the stable behind him. “Brian?” he said uncertainly. Then, looking at him more carefully, he shouted “By God, it is Brian! Twenty years older, black and well-worn, but I swear I’d know you and your voice anywhere! Wilhelm, fetch the mistress and be quick about it!” The younger man looked perplexed but hurried to do his superior’s bidding.

Very shortly after, a woman appeared in the doorway of the house. She looked anxiously towards the stable yard, where the young farmhand pointed them out. She hurried in their direction, her face a picture of fright and hopefulness.

“Brian?” she said,

“Mère?” he responded, with a tentative smile. He slid from the horse and carefully lifted R down beside him. His mother’s eyes glanced at her uneasily and her eyes quickly returned to Brian's face. She hugged him hard, laughing and crying.

“It is my Brian, my lost son! I never thought to see you again! How old and worn you look, not the young fresh boy who abandoned us.”

B made a cynical face at the comment, and asked, “Where is my father and brother? And my brother's wife and children? The place is quiet.” He added, looking about.

[grandhotelabyss]

What are the most novelistic, readable-as-literature biographies and histories (or, indeed, autobiographies and memoirs — I’m also tempted to add something about autofiction on one end, and historical novels about real figures on the other, but then it becomes a different question)?

You should ask someone who keeps up better with histories and biographies, someone who could speak intelligibly to you of Gibbon and Macaulay and God knows who! Reflecting my particular academic background, I will recommend again as I've recommended before Richard Ellmann's great trilogy of bios on the Irish moderns: Yeats: The Man and the Masks, James Joyce, and Oscar Wilde. What's especially impressive is that they're so different from one another: the Yeats is interpretive and essayistic, the Joyce discursive and dialogic, and the Wilde—yes!—reads like a novel. More broadly, I did enjoy Jill Lepore's recent massive one-volume history of the U.S., These Truths. It was absorbingly narrative, with a persuasive thesis about technology and national self-representation, and she struck the right political balance given the incendiary period of composition. On the intellectual history side, I liked Louis Menand's The Metaphysical Club, a group biography and rich contextualization of the American Pragmatists. A favorite memoir, which, considering its idiosyncracy, is probably an example of why I'm the wrong person to ask: Love's Work by Gillian Rose. Favorite novel about a real historical figure? You know I have to say Libra.

(I just finished Come Back in September, Darryl Pinckney's long and exhaustive memoir of Elizabeth Hardwick, the New York Review of Books set, and the downtown NYC avant-garde in the '70s and '80s. Very rich gossip. Pinckney even quotes a defense of gossip in its pages: Hardwick and Barbara Epstein used to say that gossip is only analysis of the absent person. The climax, if such a diffuse book can have a climax, comes when Susan Sontag realized on the Kantstrasse a few months before the Wall came down that Pinckney kept a diary. She decided to tell him for posterity's sake a story about the time Robert Lowell, then married to Hardwick, made a pass at her, with the excuse that "One can't have one's wife writing Madame Bovary in the kitchen." Sontag or Pinckney—the voices aren't always distinct in this group memoir—observed that Cal and Lizzie employed domestic service of the type eulogized or matronized in Sleepless Nights, so she wouldn't have been writing in the kitchen. She would have been writing in the study—just like him. Nevertheless, the two real geniuses they knew, Hardwick and Epstein conclude after thinking about it for a while, were Lowell and Arendt. Pinckney is good on the paradoxes of being educated out of one's class, especially in an America where race and ethnicity can be proxies for class; he can only talk about James Baldwin insightfully with this old Southern white woman of extraordinary literary cultivation, not his black bourgeois parents with their too-middle-class investment in respectability. The climax of the book might be Baldwin's funeral, come to think of it. There, Pinckney, who has presented himself throughout as a reticent and deferential protégé, takes no prisoners: "Maya Angelou sounded like a Hallmark card. Toni Morrison spoke mostly about herself. Baraka ranted about white people. The relief of a choir." This book put a couple more memoirs and biographies on the notional to-read list: The Big Sea by Langston Hughes, Safe Conduct by Boris Pasternak—though I should probably read Dr. Zhivago first—and Rahel Varnhagen: The Life of a Jewess by Arendt herself.)

[janewaykove]

Hey! Please look into how AI datasets are formed. These programs are only able to function due to large scale intellectual property theft that would be illegal for any other purpose. AI is an amazing concept and we can do lots of great things with it, even (theoretically) with generative AI if someone were to build a dataset ethically with knowledge, consent and compensation of the authors whose works are being used (there aren't any currently, thus theoretically. the reason there aren't any is if you did it, it would no longer be profitable) but please be aware that the currently available generative AIs (not just text btw, visual ones too) exploit writers/artists, especially smaller ones who don't have the means to fight back. The only way we can disincentivize this theft is by ending demand for the product

If you see parts of anything in the AI stories I post(ed) that you think are from someone's story, please do let me know. But as far as I can see, it's just common phrases and generalized things. Aside from the names I put in and the dozen specific prompts (which often included dialogue), basically all that's left is to put it into place and fill in stuff like everyday phrases (ie "she walked down the hallway and turned the corner"). And of course the sex bits that I prompt. If there's suddenly a paragraph in there from Moby Dick, that'd be a bit questionable!

Now if I posted something from some original story/character/world, I could totally see the issue with it being ripped off. But I wouldn't post that. As it is, I have to be specific about a lot of it. I mean, it will know Captain Janeway should be on Voyager. But if I make the character be Kove, it tends not to know who the hell she is and makes her a tall, skinny blonde who works as a waitress. There's only so many ways to write a sex scene so unless someone owns "she reached between her legs and touched herself," or whatever, it's probably not stealing that from anyone, lol!

As for photos, I've seen how those work and don't care for them. I see a lot of images that look just like original images so I know the generator is just taking original images and basing "art" off those. And not even well, I might add (oh those extra fingers it likes to add).

Hope I'm not sounding like an ignorant jerk here. I know a lot of people don't like AI, so I note when I've used a generator. But, as I've said a while back, my brain isn't what it was 25 years ago and some times I just wanna read a weird story with a weird ship. When they come out kinda good (even though they still need tweaking), I share them. What I've seen is general/common stuff in between my specific prompts, otherwise I wouldn't mess with it.

Also, if fanfiction is technically illegal anyway, the only people to be compensated for AI programs using their work would have to be people who write original stories. Those would be easiest to find in AI generators so that'd be a plus, at least. If AI generates stuff based on fandoms, it's harder to figure which is stolen. But if you've got AI talking about Zippooloo Square on the planet Deengu with its 3 purple-pink moons, that'd be an obvious steal. If it's talking about Voyager being in space, that's more general and common knowledge (unless it mentions a quirky addition we know someone else made up just for their own version) that most of the fandom has wrote somewhere or other.

Edit: I'm not saying AI doesn't steal, just to be clear. I read about it stealing works, or people using it to continue an original story. I certainly don't approve of that! But the little stories I do are just AI filler stuff in the specific prompts I give it. So just "he said/she said" and "walked down the street and went into the cafe" stuff. Not chunks of storyline from already written stories.

[ekoilemartinwrite]

Journal February 19, 2023

On February 19 2023 I just wrote a thing that feels like it came from more than me but nevermind that

I just realized that

that was one of the things that I believe about sex and marriage, marriage and sex. I would come to start seeing sex as my new as something I'm owed. And that's wrong. I know that's wrong that is profoundly wrong.

I'm not owed anything

Scripture does say not to die one another, except by mutual consent for prayer maybe. Because that's all because even then it's a maybe do it for this reason. But don't deny each other

but that also doesn't mean I've owed anything

and I still keep running to the image of Ashley are looking to her first I keep looking to her first to my mind and being so upset that she isn't able to support me the way I want. That she isn't able to be there the way I want. And I don't know why I keep running like that.

No human being can ever be that

put God's work first, and do what he wants. seek God's kingdom first.

That means more than what I want above what I want above what I think I need. Seek Jesus seek the kingdom seek what he wants me to do. Do what he wants me to do.

I keep saying that. Intellectually, I know that emotionally I don't yet.

I'm still seeking comfort. In shadows and games and

I'm still working on my timeline. of sexual experiences. Probably for way too long. Then what it's supposed to be but I am working very hard and make it as complete as I can. And being very diligent about it. The harder you work on it, the harder it works on you. And that's very true. I could have progressed days ago, but there are things I wouldn't have learned otherwise about myself by continuing to work on it and make it actually complete.

When I first started jerking off I never imagined myself doing anything with anyone. That always felt too dangerous

especially doing something with someone I knew that especially was dangerous. I did sometimes imagine things with celebrities or people I didn't know when people I couldn't know

but then it felt safer to just replay scenes I had seen or that I had read about and imagine

it's interesting that it felt quote unquote, safer.

I knew that there was a danger of warping how I saw a person if I did that excessively

I knew I didn't do it with women, not because I didn't want to be with a woman but I think because of what my father explained and how

how you treat a woman in relationship and I couldn't objectify her quite that way

I knew I needed to not do that

so instead I turned to men because that Mike could do that with was easier. It was safer.

I remember when I was 12 or 13

My parents was talking to me like pulling me aside. He was my mother who was like you were treating women very almost to gently to delicately as though they'll break you can be a bit rougher. That's that's okay. Women sometimes like that. She said that I treated them too much like they were on a pedestal I treated them too much like a like a flower

I remember it was soon after that. Or maybe just before that I remember in a fanfic I was reading about the Gita and Goku Dragon Ball Z fanfic that there was a line that with women you had to be very gentle and soft and delicate but with a man you didn't have to be that you can be as rough as you wanted. And that always stuck with me

and I think that ever that after my parents said that or maybe it stood out to me a lot more after they said it

because I didn't really understand what they were talking about. But if it's the well you can treat them as as delicately and you should treat a bit more delicately and a bit more gently. That was a man you don't have to do that at all. I don't have to worry about that at all. And so if my parents are like, well, you're treating women too delicately, and I didn't really want to change that. Well here's this thing with men

you can be quite rough and rough and tumble rough and rowdy and bit rougher than you can with Matt than you can with women.

That certainly led me down a gay path

especially with all the jerking off to male images and and where I didn't feel like I could objectify women in that way. Not that I didn't want to but I knew deep down that I couldn't and I think it has more to do with what my how my father explained it and I need to unbury that I think

because that's very tangled

[softukiyos]

a pinch of the jeekies | han jisung

𝙙𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙢 𝙩𝙮𝙥𝙚: 𝘥𝘳𝘢𝘣𝘣𝘭𝘦

𝙙𝙚𝙨𝙘𝙧𝙞𝙥𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣: 𝘫𝘪𝘴𝘶𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘶𝘵𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘦𝘬𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥. 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘮𝘦 𝘪𝘯, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘭𝘦 𝘣𝘰𝘵𝘩 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘤𝘳𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘤𝘦𝘴𝘴.

𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙙 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙩: ~2.7k+

𝙧𝙚𝙦𝙪𝙚𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙗𝙮: 𝘢 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘰𝘯

𝙖/𝙣: 𝘩𝘪 𝘯𝘰𝘯𝘯𝘪𝘦! 𝘪 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘭, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘺 𝘢𝘱𝘰𝘭𝘰𝘨𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢 𝘣𝘪𝘵 𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘦! 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦'𝘴 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘸𝘰 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘦𝘬 𝘴𝘲𝘶𝘪𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘨𝘰𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘯 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘥𝘳𝘢𝘣𝘣𝘭𝘦, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘪 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘦𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩! >.< 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘫𝘰𝘺!

Jisung liked to take pride in his cheeks. When he'd first entered elementary school, he despised them. Everyone had seemed to shed their baby fat very quickly, but his squishy cheeks never left. After a few years of struggling with his self image, he entered high school, confident and proud of how he looked. 

His cheeks were unmatched. No one would ever have cheeks that could even come close. 

At least, that was what he thought before he met you, his strict, grumpy tutor that his chemistry teacher had assigned to him in hopes of raising his abysmal grades. 

Jisung didn't like you at first. He'd known you from afar like most other people did; the top of the class, intellectually brilliant but aloof girl that didn't seem to care about anyone in the school. 

Jisung didn't like you when he first met you in person. Your tutoring sessions were hard, and he meant really hard. You never let him get away with a single thing, not one missing unit, not one problem where he forgot to show work, nothing ever passed your watchful eye. And as  much as he tried to resist, he found his grades improving at a rapid rate, which only encouraged his teacher to send him to you more. 

After a month or so, however, it sort of hit Jisung like a truck when he finally had the revelation that you weren't so bad. As Spartan as your teaching methods were, you never belittled him for asking a stupid question, you wouldn't laugh if he asked you to slow down, and all in all, you were genuinely quite considerate of his feelings while still managing to get the results out of him. The first time he saw you genuinely smile was when he handed you his first B+, where you looked him in the eye and told him that you were proud of his improvement. 

Jisung couldn't even remember the last time he received a compliment like that from anyone. So after a while, he began to think that maybe you didn't show care towards anyone in particular because no one ever bothered to look past your reputation to see you for who you were. 

After another day of classes, he headed to the library, ready for another grueling hour of chemical reaction exercises. However, as he turned the corner into the little nook that you liked to study in, his steps faltered as he saw you slumped over the desk, your head resting on your arms as you slept soundly.

Now, Jisung probably shouldn't have gotten so excited to see you sleep, but he did. After all, he'd never seen you in such a relaxed state around him, and as he took a peek at your face, he physically had to stop himself from cooing out loud at how adorable you looked.

Woah, woah, woah. What?

The boy did a quick double take. When did he ever think his chemistry tutor was cute? Well, there was that one time he saw you scurrying down the hallway when you came to school late, there was that one time you sneezed on your way up to the whiteboard and looked a bit like a deer in headlights. There was also that one time he saw you giggle when you came across a quokka doodle in his notes and--oh my god that was basically 98% of his time with you and the other 2% was the time he was just staring at you from afar. 

Gulping nervously, he slid into the chair next to you and very carefully placed his book bag on the table. To be honest, he was waiting for you to wake up on your own; with a brother named Changbin who was a literal demon if you even so much as nudged him while he was asleep, Jisung was well aware of the dangers of waking people up from naps. He wasn’t sure what type of riser you were, and he wasn’t going to find out.

But as the minutes ticked on and crept into your normal tutoring time, you still didn’t wake and Jisung just sat beside you, picking imaginary petals in his head to decide whether or not he should give your shoulder a light nudge. He wanted to, because he knew you’d probably get upset at him if you woke up later to find that the two of you had wasted precious time, but on the other hand, you did look quite exhausted, even more so than usual. The bags under your eyes seemed slightly more defined, and this nap looked like the first moment of decent sleep you’ve gotten in days.

Eventually, Jisung decided not to wake you. If you got angry, then he’d just promise to study on his own when he got back home. He could put off playing games with Felix for one night if it meant that you got some rest. When you made an expression of discomfort, he even shrugged off his bomber jacket, rolling it into a pillow before gently maneuvering it to replace the book you were sleeping on.

With nothing else to do, Jisung found himself spending much of that time on his phone, but he couldn’t help but take some of the other time to gaze at you. Now that you weren’t wacking him with a rolled up test that he failed or glaring at everyone, you actually looked quite innocent and peaceful. You looked even happy, and Jisung wondered what you were dreaming about.

But what really caught Jisung’s eye were your cheeks. With your face squished against your arm, your cheeks were puffed up adorably, and it took every ounce of self restraint for Jisung to not poke them at least once. They looked like little marshmallows, and as the minutes ticked on, Jisung found it harder and harder to control himself.

He even felt a little bit of jealousy curling in his gut. What moisturizer did you use? Why did your cheeks look softer than his?

“Oh, the two of you are still here!”

Jisung almost jumped out of his seat as the librarian peaked her head into the corner, “A-ah, yes!” He stumbled over his words nervously.

“Well, you better hurry out. I’m closing up in five,” she said before finishing up her rounds so she could leave for the day. Checking his phone, Jisung realized with a start that it was almost six in the evening, thirty minutes past when your normal tutoring session ended. He didn’t even notice.

He glanced over at you, who was still snoring away without a care in the world and his expression softened. Looks like he’d have to wake you up after all. He almost didn’t want to, but against his better judgement, he leaned towards you and gave your cheek a gentle little pinch, full of fondness that he didn’t even really understand yet.

“Y/N,” he murmured your name as softly as possible, his smiling widening as you let out a soft groan in response. Wow, your cheeks were fluffier than anything he’d ever touched before.

“What…?” you mumbled, eyes fluttering open as you sat up, gripping at Jisung’s jacket in confusion.

He smiled, “Rise and shine, sleepyhead,” he ducked under your sleepy attempt to flick his forehead.

“What time is it?”

“Almost six,” Jisung said, helping you pack your book bag as you regained your bearings. As you finally managed to process where you were, your eyes widened almost comically.

“It’s almost six.”

Jisung laughed, “Yes? That’s what I just said?”

You shoved his jacket back at his chest, cheeks unnaturally hot, “Why didn’t you wake me up?!” Gosh, you were more than embarrassed. It was one thing to miss a tutoring session, it was another to sleep through it with your student literally right next to you. Especially when the student was Han Jisung.

He took his jacket back, still amused by how flustered you looked. In all the time he’d spent with you, he’d never seen you look so frazzled before, “I wanted to wake you, but you looked so tired!” Jisung explained, deciding to take the moment to try and reach out to you once more, “Is everything alright? You looked really drained. I noticed in class, too.” 

You tensed up, not expecting Jisung to be so observant. No, scratch that, you knew Jisung was always observant, but you never thought that applied to you. 

“I just have a little more on my plate now,” you explained the best you could without actually explaining. 

Jisung felt a pang of disappointment. It was the blank wall to the face again, like he always got when he tried to get to know you better. Two steps forward, four steps back.

“But, regardless, you should've woken me up,” you continued, huffing at him as you reached into your bag to pull out your planner, “It's my fault for oversleeping, so let me know what time you'd like to reschedule--”

“Woah, woah,” Jisung waved his hands frantically, shaking his head, “Didn't you just say you have more on your plate now? You don't need to reschedule.”

You gave him an inquisitive stare and he physically had to hold back a gulp, “Are you just trying to get out of tutoring?” You asked, but he noticed that your voice didn't hold any edge to it, another red flag that you were probably a lot more exhausted than you let on.

“I'm not, I promise,” he held his arms up in surrender, “I'll go over the material and do the assignment myself. You can check it over next week!” 

A moment of silence passed before you relented, placing the planner back in your bag with a sigh, “Okay, but the three mistake rule still stands. Got it?”

Jisung smiled, “Got it,” he said, grabbing his bag and standing up, “I won't let you down after all the help you've given me.” 

“You really think this is helpful?” The surprise in your words spilled out despite your best attempts to keep your mask of passivity. Fuck, it was always Jisung that made you like this. Any other person would tried to tear down your mental walls, only for you to build them up twice as high and twice as thick. But Jisung--Jisung just walked past them like they didn't even exist.

“Um, yeah? My grades literally went from C’s to B’s and A’s because of you!” Jisung exclaimed, practically offended for your sake at the mere thought of your question, “If that isn't helpful, then what is?” 

A dry chuckle left your lips as the two of you walked out of the library, “That isn't what I meant. Normally, people would say that I'm a bit...harsh? Overbearing? Un-fun?” 

Jisung bit his lip, his eyes rounding with a mix of realization and guilt as he saw the expression on your face. You probably didn't even notice it as you looked up into the sky, but he could see it as clear as day. A bittersweetness that looked a bit like hurt, but it wasn't quite either. 

So you did know of what people said about you, and it did affect you. The guilt festered in his chest as Jisung came to the painful realization that he was part of that group of judging before knowing only a few weeks before. 

“Um!” Jisung blurted out rather clumsily, grabbing your attention as you turned to face him, “You're a good teacher. Y-yeah, sometimes you can be a bit strict, but people should know that you do it only because you want them to succeed!” 

A moment of awkward silence passed between the two of you, and Jisung was about to disappear into the ground when you let out a giggle, covering your mouth with the back of your hand and failing to hide your amusement. 

You laughed. You laughed because of him. You were smiling because of him. Jisung held your expression, your moment of happiness, close to his heart, and he wanted nothing more than to see it again. 

“Thank you, Jisung,” you said after your giggles died and you stood before him, a bit of distance still between the two of you even though it wasn't quite as tense or awkward as before, “That means a lot to me, really.” 

Jisung’s face lit up, and he nodded, “And I really mean what I said! I wouldn't have gotten so much better without you.” 

Your cheeks felt unusually warm in the chilly evening, and you realized that you should probably make your escape soon before you found yourself falling more and more for this boy who wore his heart on his sleeve. 

“Well, thank you again,” you said sincerely, clutching the strap of your book bag as you gave him a smile, already beginning to turn away, “I’m gonna head home, so I guess I’ll see you in class tomorrow.”

Jisung felt the joy in his heart stutter a bit at the way you turned to glance down the road you were about to take, and his mouth worked before his brain, “Wait! I could give you a ride!” He blurted out before wanting nothing more than to bonk himself in the head.

“Oh?” You turned back around to face him as you crossed your arms, “You drive?”

“Uh, I have a bike, which is still faster than walking,” Jisung supplied the follow up information rather unhelpfully, but it made you smile nonetheless, “And you live close to Seungmin’s family bakery, right? I live right around there, too.”

There wasn’t much about that offer that you could really refuse, and you found yourself not wanting to anyway. You were still pretty exhausted and you were already dreading the walk back home. 

And besides, a little extra time with Han Jisung never hurt anyone except for your poor heart, which was beginning to grow tired of fighting your obvious attraction for this boy. 

“Alright,” you said, shifting your bag strap higher up your shoulder as you gestured, “lead the way.” 

The ride was quite silent, but neither of you minded. If anything, you enjoyed the silence, and Jisung knew you enjoyed it, so he didn’t bother to pry or start conversation. With your hands resting on his shoulders for balance as you sat behind him on what was normally the basket rack, and with the sky loosing its pinkish tones and exchanging them for the dark blues and purples of night, everything felt strangely perfect and--dare you say it--romantic. 

When you finally told Jisung to stop in the front of a house just a couple buildings down from Seungmin’s bakery, the air between the two of you had shifted somehow. It wasn’t a big change; you weren’t suddenly head over heels in love with him and he wasn’t suddenly filled with the urge to kiss you like they do in shoujo mangas, but there was a comfortable and mutual sense of affection for one another that didn’t need any pushing or rushing from either side. The two of you just...knew it somehow. 

“Thanks for the ride,” you said, your voice soft as you swung your leg off and found yourself next to the bike, face to face with Jisung. 

“Don’t mention it,” he smiled, leaning against the handle of his bike in a way that made him look deviously adorable. You bit your lip, hesitating for a second before reaching up with your fingers and giving his soft cheeks a light squish.

Huh, they were even softer than you’d imagined they would be. 

Jisung’s eyes grew as wide as saucers, which snapped you out of your daze as you quickly pulled your hand away and cleared your throat awkwardly. 

“Don’t forget to go over today’s chapter when you get home,” you said, trying to mask your embarrassment and keep your voice steady as you gave him one last smile before rushing into your house, fumbling a bit with the keys when you pulled them out of your bag.

Jisung stood in front of your house for a moment longer, his eyes dazed with surprise as he reached up to rub his cheek. Fuck, if you mess around with him like this any more, he’d be head over heels in love with you before the semester even ended. 

And as Jisung biked back home, he didn’t even care that he actually lived in the opposite direction and he’d lied a bit in order to make sure you got back safe. Your smiles, your laughter, and your gentle retaliation for his earlier pinch of your cheek made it all worth it. 

Jisung thought he had the cutest cheeks in the world, but he was pretty satisfied with being second best now. 

[ariesjupiter]

Mitski Birth Chart Reading

This is just my interpretation based on Mitski’s birth chart and what I know of her music. Let me know if you have any suggestions of someone I should make a post on next! If you’re interested, I offer natal chart readings, just check my pinned post!

Libra sun: In terms of basic personality and ego, Mitski is focused on creating balanced, harmonic relationships. Intimate, one-on-one relationships are a major part of her identity. Libra is ruled by venus which represents love and beauty. After all, she is known for her lyrics relating to her romantic relationships. The lyric “I love everybody because I love you” is so profoundly Libra to me. She is friendly and charming. She sees herself reflected and other people and people see themselves reflected in her (for better or worse). Venus also rules the arts and Mitski is a natural artist in every sense of the word. Her music sonically is very unique, inventive, and creative as she experiments with mixing different genres. This is influenced by her sun in the 11th house. Sun in the 11th house also indicates an emphasis on friendships and memberships of certain groups and communities. It also indicates an importance of her hopes and dreams. Her sun in 3° explains why she is such a talented writer, communicator, and lyricist. Peak libra sun culture: “Young adult romance is the shit” (a real quote from the queen herself). And let’s not forget her iconic quote from 2016: “I’m a libra so my sexuality is essentially “you can really be any gender as long as you treat me like a princes.” Truer words have never been spoken.

Capricorn moon: Despite how personal her music is, Mitski is a rather private and reserved person, particularly when it comes to expressing her emotions. Also, Capricorn is associated with the father and she has been known to be especially private regarding her dad’s career. She is serious and intense with emotions but can sometimes get detached. The emphasis is on having control over her feelings. She is ambitious and a practical person. Her emotions are connected to her career. Those who do not know her well may see her as cold. In temperament she tends to be melancholic. Emotionally mature and wise beyond her years. Straightforward and honest with her expression. She is dependable, loyal, hard working, & realistic. Emotional fulfillment is often tied to achievement and success. Her moon in the 2nd house and 2° suggests material comforts make her feel safe. With the 2nd house being associated with venus, she is able to express her emotions in an artistic way. Could be protective over material objects. Sentimental. Music has a big impact on her emotions and mood. Peak capricorn moon culture: “I didn’t really feel anything. I’ve stopped feeling things for a long time” - Mitski, The Fader Interview, 2017. In all seriousness, I hope my capricorn moons are doing good.

Virgo mercury: Mitski is practical and detail oriented when it comes to communication and matters of learning. She takes the time to choose the right words to convey her thoughts. She is clear and concise. Mercury is in its sign of rulership here. Her mercury in the 10th house suggests that she will be known for her communication style. Has a lot of thoughts but is also organized. Analytical. Mitski likes making lists. Loves to give advice. Mercury is in 16° (cancer degree) and she has a soft spoken voice. Talks about the past and her roots (cancerian themes).

Virgo venus: In love, Mitski will assume a caretaking role and will gladly help her partner finish mundane tasks and chores. A devoted and faithful lover. Love is about the mundane and routine details of life. Love is about service. Acts of service tend to be virgo venus’ main love language. She wants to help improve her partner’s life. She is patient and observant. Values love that is simple and authentic. Appreciates a partner with whom she can have intellectual conversations. May have a tendency to be too critical on herself when it comes to love. Venus rules aesthetics & style and she tends to have a modest fashion sense. Mitski has voiced her interest in astrology and how she has asked people she’s interested for their birth times lmao. Her venus is in the 11th house, she treats a lover like she would treat a friend. In fact, romantic love probably equates to platonic love in her book. She has her venus in 24° which is a pisces degree, which explains this natural interest in astrology.

Gemini mars: Could be impatient because she moves quickly. Efficient. Has a lot of goals and likes to keep busy. She thrives when she talks to others and exchanged ideas. Likes to multitask. Very versatile. Probably has a flirty, bubbly energy when she’s attracted to someone. Attracted to intellect. Desire to see things from multiple perspectives. Gemini rules the hands so she’s skilled with playing instruments and writing. Likes to try new things. Witty and humorous. Could have nervous energy or fidget often.

Leo jupiter: The planet of luck and expansion in Leo is a big indicator of fame. Her jupiter is also in the 9th house and in 7°. Jupiter in the 9th indicates being born in a different country from where you reside now. Mitski is biracial and has lived in multiple countries growing up. She loves to learn, particularly about other cultures and ways of life. She is open minded, philosophical and values freedom and being independent. She attracts good fortune when she travels (touring!) and also when she focuses on partnerships/intimate relationships (7°). Combining this energy, Mitski attracts luck when she acts dramatically, demonstrates/teaches her knowledge, expresses herself artistically, shows her warm hearted and sometimes stubborn side, & takes chances, shows her bravery, and takes the lead. Be the Cowboy is big leo energy 🤠

Capricorn saturn: Mitski is responsible, practical, goal-oriented, and cautious. With saturn in the 3rd house, she probably had to grow up quickly and become mature at a young age. Capricorn saturn people tend to be very successful people. Strong willed. Tendency to be quiet and is a good listener. Could also be outspoken. With saturn in 18° (virgo degree), she’s very hard working but she may need to learn how to take a break and let herself rest and recharge.

Capricorn uranus: This placement also indicates that she goes after her goals and is efficient and practical in achieving them. Uranus being in the 2nd house shows that she could make money from being unique and groundbreaking. 2nd house also rules the voice! Her values are unique and she could be resistant to change them. Her self esteem could be in a constant state of flux and be tied to money. Her income could rapidly change, like maybe she did not get paid much but then suddenly she starts making a lot of money. Uranus is in 5° which is a fame degree. She’s famous for being authentically herself and very much an individual in the industry that can’t be compared.

Capricorn neptune: Capricorn neptunes are most likely realists. She is skilled at going after her dreams. Her dreams are practical and connected to themes of wealth, power, and control. Neptune in 3rd house shows a dreamy, poetic way of communicating. A very creative placement. Dreamy vibes. Could be elusive in communication, open for interpretation. Neptune is in 11° so this gives aquarian energy. Idealistic with friends and always searching for ways to achieve her dreams.

Scorpio pluto: Her power lies in her ability to analayze human interactions and be introspective with herself since it’s in the 1st house. She is very self aware. Mitski understands that life is about going through changes and she welcomes the ability to grow and rebuild. She has intense, deep emotions but has control over them and how she expresses them. Pluto in 16° adds a cancerian energy. Her strength lies in her ability to nurture and be empathetic.

Scorpio rising: First impressions of Mitski can be that she’s mysterious and secretive. A powerful and intimidating presence. This explains to me why she loves dressing in black. She probably has a strong dislike for anything superficial. She likes to get to know people on a deeper level and connect with them. She likes honesty and is probably very perceptive and intuitive. Privacy is so important to her! She has a lot of layers and wants people to unpack them, but it may take her a while to open up. She is powerful and has endurance. Her presence leaves an impact on people. Loyalty and intimacy is important. She’s not afraid to talk about taboo topics or scary, heavier emotions. Passionate and even a tendency to get fixed on or obsessed with something or someone. Her rising is in 15° (gemini degree) so she’s clever, curious, and thinks quickly. a little more flexible than a regular Scorpio rising would be.

Leo midheaven: People might see her as dramatic or arrogant. In the public eye, she was meant to be a performer. At her concerts she’s known for putting on a good show & includes interpretive dance and choreography. She becomes herself more when she’s on stage. The stage is where she shines. Has a lot of pride connected to her career. Reputation for creatively expressing herself and being brave and taking risks. Wants to be admired, especially regarding her career. Her purpose is to become a leader. Mc in 22° (capricorn degree) shows that she is a very hard worker when it comes to her career. She won’t let anyone stop her when it comes to achievement and success in her field. Another indicator of being at the top of her career and being publicly recognized for it!

TLDR: Mitski is a natural born singer, performer and artist. She is unique, talented, and an introspective writer. Being earth and water dominant, she balances practicality & stability with sentimentality & raw emotion. With all of her Capricorn placements, she is grounded and doesn’t let fame get to her head. Her chart ruler is Scorpio pluto in the 1st which means that major transformations will be a big theme in her life, especially regarding herself & her identity. She is always reflecting and looking at herself on a deep level.

[sukirichi]

jujutsu kaisen characters as students in high school: (non-canon AU)

featuring: itadori yuuji, fushiguro megumi, gojo satoru, getou suguru, & ryoumen sukuna notes: some parts include you as their friend, or even their high school love! (this is unedited/ not proofread)

masterlist ! requests are open 

𝐈𝐓𝐀𝐃𝐎𝐑𝐈 𝐘𝐔𝐔𝐉𝐈

he’s not the brightest bulb, but he makes up for it through hardwork and enthusiasm

yuuji is literally that classmate everyone is just friends with

the type who waves with a smile, saying “good morning!” the moment he walks through that door

with that being said, since he’s everyone’s friend, i headcannon that yuuji doesn’t really have a best friend because he’s so open and available to everyone it’s hard to have just a one on one conversation with him

not to say he’s always surrounded by a crowd that you can’t get near him, but everyone likes talking to yuuji

he just fits in so well and understands people 

kind of like how he easily clicked with junpei (please, i miss him, i still can’t believe that he’s...you know...)

whether it’s the guys raving to him about sports

or girls shyly talking about their crush on class or about that new shojo manga

yuuji is open to anything and everyone. this boy wears his heart on his sleeve and he’s honestly such a precious boy, please be kind to him <3

the type of student that gets called to answer in class but isn’t shy to admit he doesn’t know the answer while rubbing the back of his neck

he does pay attention tho

i think it’s canon that yuuji is a dedicated man, like from that time he just watched movies straight and kept his cursed energy controlled so the cursed corpse would stop hitting him

overall, yuuji is a very hard working student! 

he wouldn’t get over the top grades, but he’s really proud of himself (and he should be!)

also that one kid in class that is surprisingly good in sports despite his lanky figure and laid back persona, because all the other sports-craved people are always flexing or challenging other captains 

but plot twist, this boy is ripped and very, beautifully kept in trim

yeah he’s not really into club activities that much

not because he hates them, but he’s just not that into it. he’s more than glad to join in whatever activities though and enjoys them, but if asked what he’d like to do, it wouldn’t be that first thing that came to mind

in conclusion: itadori yuuji is the class sunflower that lights up everyone’s day  🌻

yuuji’s role: the hard worker! 

𝐅𝐔𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐆𝐔𝐑𝐎 𝐌𝐄𝐆𝐔𝐌𝐈

hands down, megumi is THAT student

if you’re volunteering in the library, you can sure as hell guarantee you’ll see megumi there

he doesn’t like studying in class because it’s too noisy, so if he’s in school, you’ll always see his name in the library logs

he’s that kid that aces all exams

the type to scowl when he sees a 96% mark because he’s expecting a perfect mark

okay before you come at me, i’m not saying megumi is that annoying smart kid in class that goes, “Oh, I’m so dumb, just a 96?”

no he’s more frustrated at himself because he knows he studied hard and lost sleep over it. he’s just wondering where he went wrong. he has literal note cards and customize flash cards on an app on his phone, waking up every four am and probably taking supplement classes after regular school hours

i headcannon that megumi is someone who always wants to do his best and actually goes through lengths to prove his worth

maybe it stems from having the need to show who he really is and what he’s capable of

but yeah i can totally see him doing that

also that cute student that keeps visiting the cafe every saturday morning, wearing a black hoodie and headphones tucked in, his pretty hands nestling over a book

he looks like a gamer but honestly i don’t think he’s got time for that lmao

would also be that guy people find hard to approach because of his quiet and reserved self

he’s pretty intimidating too

definitely sits beside the window at the back of the class. you can’t fight me on that

just because he’s smart and loves studying, it doesn’t mean he’ll sit on the front row and raise his hand every damn second

the teachers will encourage him to participate in class a little bit more, especially after seeing he’s awkward during group activities, but megumi just really prefers to do things by himself

i also headcannon him eating in the cafeteria like everyone else instead of having his alone time during a rooftop? like idk i can’t picture megumi completely isolating himself like that

he blends in well in a way that you know he’s just like everyone else; a human

but he also stands out in the manner that he’s a lot more introverted and reserved compared to everyone else

surprisingly good during sports and relay games

100% reliable

the type to stay up at midnight to finish a group project, sighing because his groupmates doesn’t care as much as he does, but turns it in anyway the next day

he’d be annoyed at them, but he doesn’t really like confrontation so he doesn’t out them to the teacher like that

but he’s also not someone who lets people walk over him, so he’ll simply say something about his groupmates becoming more responsible and to be serious for once as a “warning”

and yeah, he may be closed off, but once you get really close with him (even better if you have similar interests) you’ll find there’s a lot more to him than what you’ve originally seen and he’s actually a pretty great friend and supportive classmate

would teach you instead of just letting you copy his work or snap pictures of his notes

ugh he’s so responsible and morally right and that’s so attractive help

in conclusion: fushiguro megumi is the hidden gem  💎

megumi’s role: the intellectual outsider!

𝐆𝐎𝐉𝐎 𝐒𝐀𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐔

man...i don’t know how to start this

i’ve said this about megumi, but gojo is also that student

no, in fact, he’s THE student

everyone loves him. literally everyone

the teachers? smitten

his classmates? in love

the school guard? calls him by his first name

the cleaning lady? turns into a star with the way she lightens up when he’s there

the cafeteria staff? yeah free food because he’s gojo satoru

gojo is what i like to call the “one who has it all” because....well, he kind of does

he’s really smart and talented, which comes as a surprise to everyone in the first day of school when he nearly gets kicked out for falling asleep in class

only for everyone to be shocked that he knows the answer already and the teacher is only discussing chapter 1 lmao

yeah he’d be that kid who always sleeps in class

or is playing games on his phone behind an open textbook

he literally doesn’t listen to what the teacher is saying at all - or at least that’s what he wants you to think

man is a god at multitasking and his seatmate would snicker because he’s crushing his enemies at a phone game, but then gojo coolly corrects the teacher about history or something

he’s pretty laid back tbh

but when he’s got everyone’s attention on him? ofc he’d show off

basketball meats are wild. even students from neighbouring schools would visit just to see gojo play - and he’s not even an official member! the coach just asked him to replace a sick player but boy won that champion shot

omg BASKETBALL PLAYER GOJO I CAN’T

but he pretty much excels at everything

except cooking class, gosh, don’t ever bring this man anywhere near a fire. that’s probably the only thing that really got him to detention this time because he always somehow talks himself out of getting that red card with his words and charm

also that kid that would receive lots of confession letters, chocolates, and random gifts in his shoe lockers

he knows he’s handsome and he’s not shy about it. in fact, he’s shameless when it comes to his allure on people

but he also doesn’t really date anyone (it’s canon this man won’t stay loyal to a single woman lmao)

if he and megumi were classmates, they’d be sort of rivals

megumi would always come on top of class, but gojo is just a breath away from the former’s perfect marks. if it only weren’t for megumi’s squeaky clean record and reputation - whereas satoru’s is TAINTED as heck - and the fact that gojo doesn’t really study as much as gumi, then yeah he’d also be top of the class if he wanted to

on a much more serious note,,,gojo acts like nothing really bothers him and he’s simply that effortless

but i feel like he grew up with tutors from a very young age and that’s how his natural intelligence was just further improved and increased with that type of environment in his childhood

and unlike megumi, i don’t think gojo would really have a set goal in mind on who he wants to be or what he wants to do in the future

he’d just be enjoying the moment <3

in conclusion: gojo satoru is the effortless god!

satoru’s role: the lazy king everyone is envious of 

𝐆𝐄𝐓𝐎𝐔 𝐒𝐔𝐆𝐔𝐑𝐔

the playboy

you can’t argue with me on this one

he just is, i feel it deep in my SOUL he just is

moment he walks in, all classy and suave aura and all, you can honestly smell and taste the amount of confidence that drips from him

probably came from a well-off family

probably the mayor’s kid lmao and he’s been used to the attention ever since he was young

much like megumi, he’s not really the type to show off his intelligence

and similar to gojo, people are surprised he’s actually got them brain cells just because everyone is more focused on his appearance first

like who would expect this tall hunk beautiful beast of a man with long hair and piercings actually liked classic novels and could effortlessly recite sonatas and poems in different languages

yeah i headcannon that getou is an intellectual, cultured man

ofc having long hair and piercings isn’t allowed in his school, but because he’s geto and the school knows about his family’s influence, they just let it slide

probably comes late to school too

he eats in the cafeteria, but you don’t really see him indulge much. some days, he’ll have his own fancy bento box prepared by a family chef, but geto is actually pretty simple and humble that he also buys packed bread or canned coffee 

takes the library volunteer by surprise when he drops by one friday after class to borrow an old classic novel that even your professors had a hard time analysing

but geto’s like, “oh this? yeah i last read it when i was thirteen, thought i’d read it again”

IDK WHY but I can see him as sort of breaking the rules when it comes to the school uniform

top three buttons of his shirt open when he’s feeling hot or something

doesn’t really keep his tie that tight too

but overall, geto is a composed and well-put together guy

i just can’t picture him slacking when it comes to his appearance, he’s too fancy and pretty for that

he’s also similar to megumi in a way people find it hard to approach them, but most definitely, geto also receives confessions often 

i can see him dating someone after being interested in someone in school and actually being serious with them unlike gojo

then they would be “that” couple that’re just so couple goals

not the type that goes overboard with pda and pulls off the angry face emoji when they hear someone talking about them and they’re like, “NO HE’S MINE”

okay that’s cringe but i legit witnessed that way too many times in high school yall cant blame me lmao

but they’d be more like the chill laid back couple that supports each other in everything and you can just tell they have a happy, healthy relationship

(oh to be getou’s girlfriend in high school and his first love and all his firsts)

in conclusion: getou suguru is the unpredictable!

getou’s role is: that one classmate you really admire but he’s so far out your league but he’s genuinely a good guy anyway so you’re happy for him no matter what <3

𝐑𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐌𝐄𝐍 𝐒𝐔𝐊𝐔𝐍𝐀

okay okay hear me out but...the stoner

i really can’t see him any other way guyssss

and if you’re his classmate, you most likely wouldn’t see him that much either

dude is like 2-3 years older than everyone in class and he doesn’t give a shit about it

he’ll come like...once a week, if he’s in the mood enough

teachers don’t even bother scolding him for his tattoos anymore because there’s rumours going around he’s the son of a yakuza leader or that he’s a gangster who sells organs or some creepy dark stuff

ofc he doesn’t do that

he just does drugs and gets drunk at most

sukuna doesn’t really have that much friends either. yeah he parties with people and often gets high with some older kids, but he doesn’t genuinely enjoy their companies either

would totally come to school with his uniform unironed

red-eyed from his high and naps at the back of the class, making the teacher soften their voice in fear of waking him up

also doesn’t have a pen or paper

i mean...he doesn’t even bring a bag

fails the exams all the time, making him repeat year by year, and he’s even known for beating his senpai up for something stupid and sending the guy to a hospital where he stays for two weeks

but on the other hand

he’s also freakishly attractive and surprisingly easy to talk to

you probably bumped into him one time and you profusely apologize, but then he notices something about, something odd like, “did you just cut your hair?”

“uhm yes...you noticed?”

sukuna shrugs lazily, “noticed something was different, but whatever. it looks good on you though.”

he’s just soooo nonchalant most of the time, it’s hard to believe he’s actually pretty violent

but yeah this man has anger issues i’m sorry

but with that speaking, i actually don’t see sukuna as a bully with like a gang of his “followers” or that type of jazz

he’s more like the kid that hides under the bleachers or gets high in a storage room while everyone else is occupied with school festivals

it’s a shock he even came, but sukuna just says “free food is always a gift” but ofc it’s not free food...he just steals from the stalls

now here comes the fun part

so now that we know sukuna pretty much is a hopeless case...suddenly, he isn’t? maybe he meets you, the class volunteer who goes out of their way to visit his shabby apartment just to hand him his class work that he’s missed out on

he obviously disses you at first and ignores you, telling you to get lost

but somehow your kindness and persistence has him breaking

now he starts coming to school often, carrying a pack of gum or mint pops because he smells like weed and he’s slightly conscious of himself

this is supposed to be just them being students in high school, but i could honestly sukuna changing colors once he just gets a better grasp of what would be good for him

or maybe something finally interests him and gives answers to his silent questions

i feel like he’s such a troubled kid and just lacks proper care and attention, but once you become his friend and show him you don’t have bad intentions, he’s actually a loyal and decent guy

and when you two finally get close, you eventually gain enough courage to tutor him. sukuna is actually pretty smart too, he just doesn’t like studying, but when you compliment him, oh man, he melts

“yeah, you actually got that right! i told you you could do this!”

tsk,” he scoffs, “that’s all kindergarten shit.”

“if it is, then why haven’t you graduated?”

“shut the fuck up.”

although he sneers, you and sukuna have gotten close enough that you know both of you don’t mean anything bad behind those words and it’s all light hearted teasing

oh and when you ask him to take a picture with you for “high school memories?”

sukuna is disgusted

“get that thing away from my face - did you just take my photo?”

“yeah, you look pretty cute here! i’m so printing this and putting this in my album.”

sukuna is about to scold you even more, but the thought of you putting your photo together - even when he’s frowning in the picture - in something as sentimental as a photo book really has him softening up

would even try - keyword is try - to study more just so you’d stop frowning when you see his paper covered in red marks all over again

and he’d even try cutting down on his weed for the sake of his “health”

ofc he won’t suddenly - or ever, even - become the amazing student megumi is

he’ll still get into trouble because he’s impulsive and has poor coping skills, also he’s not good with words or dealing with his emotions

but on his good days, he’s a pretty funny guy

it just takes a lot to see that side of him, but it’s worth the time and patience

also i was expecting to write funny scenarios or imagines of stoner! sukuna because he’s too high to even hold a proper conversation sometimes but all i got is him saying weird words like “snail trap” or something when you ask him how his day is

would also have that garbled little laugh when he’s so out of it

sukuna will try to be better though, you just need to be patient him

but my GOSH when he finally graduates

he’s going to hide that little smile because deep down, he’s also pretty proud of himself and how far he’s come <3

lol now this makes me want to writer a high school au lololol

in conclusion: yeah he’s the stoner with a good heart 

which is so not canon...this shouldn’t even be a headcanon we know ryoumen sukuna is PURE EVIL but oh well maybe when I’m down from my sukuna high I’ll write him a lot more canonically

[oceanbaby888]

"LET'S SEE WITH THE ASCENDANT" PART 1!

NOTE: WHILE I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL ASTROLOGER, I LOVE ASTROLOGY AND ITS ASPECTS AND I LOVE TO LEARN THEM! PLEASE DO NOT STEAL OR REWORD MY WORK WITHOUT CREDIT! THANK YOU :)

Hey y'all!

- I am finally settled and I am ready to give you some more astro knowledge to keep in the books!! Today we will be talking about the Ascendant (ASC for short) through the first 6 signs!! Part 2 will come out tomorrow!

- But first, what is an ASC sign?

-I'm glad you asked honey! First things first, your Ascendant is an angular house! Angular houses are the Ascendant, Descendant, IC (Imum Coeli), and MC (Medium Coeli). I'll do a post on what angular houses mean later on! Or do feel free to research on your own time :)

-Your ASC sign is what's popularly known as the sign (or sign traits) you may give off as a first impression to the outside world. According to the book, The Only Astrology Book You'll Ever Need by Joanna Woolfolk, she asserts that our personality is a blend of our Sun Sign in combination with our ASC sign. This has some truth in it as our ASC can also represent our self-interests, how we process self-awareness, our goals, our objectives, & how we assert our self-sufficiency! Think of your ASC sign as the sign when you walk in a room full of people.

- You can find your ASC here! Below is my chart( credit from Astro.com) for my visual learners! The ASC will be on the left side of your chart (marked AC); usually your angular houses are marked! In this example, my ASC is in the sign of Sagittarius!

-Have you ever had someone guess your sun sign but they were wrong? Chances are, they probably are guessing your ASC sign!

-With that being said, let's get into it!!!!

ARIES ASC:

Adventurous and pioneering!

Typically the ones to be "the first" at something.

Likes to get shit done! Act first ask questions later kind of energy.

Leader of the pack vibes.

Possibly have a very muscular, strong body.

When they walk in the room, they give such a strong sense of power, strength, and exuberance!

Possibly can be red-headed. Aries rules the color red and also rules the head. Doesn't mean every red-head is an Aries ASC though. Or they may like to wear alot of red.

They can give a direct, kinda bossy attitude but also a very free-child-like attitude I love it!!

Be careful with sharp objects. Sharp objects like knives are ruled by Mars (Mars rules Aries) and you may be a bit more accident prone so be careful, according to Woolfolk.

TAURUS ASC:

Very stable and calm energy when they walk in the room.

Patient & steadfast people.

Love the arts, could be talented at composing music esp!

Love comfort and the comfort their materials bring them.

Can have super beautiful necks. Necks/throats are ruled by Taurus.

Also, they may have larger, rounder eyes ooooo so cute!! Almost like a doe.

Can accumulate wealth over time.

Loves security and things that make them feel safe.

Many people think they are lazy, but that is not the case. A Taurus ASC does not believe in wasting time on things that don't bring them joy or comfort. They are hardworking, if it means they can attain the goals they set out for!! Once again, THEY ARE NOT LAZY!

GEMINI ASC:

Witty & charming.

Extremely smart and sociable.

Also can thrive in the entertainment industry as actors, writers, TV hosts, or comedians. They can really captivate an audience with their social and witty behavior!

Gemini rules the arms & hands, so they can have really nice hands/arms. If Venus is in aspect to their ASC, this can possibly point to someone who is a hand model.

The type to always want to be constantly stimulated and learn something everyday so they don't get bored.

May like to travel alot or move alot.

They also can marry more than once in their lives.

Extremely intellectual communicators. Very good with using their words as their best assets!

Could have big, wide eyes. This is just a personal take as I have seen multiple Gemini risings with big, wide eyes.

CANCER ASC:

Love security & comfort.

May have a oval face or round face. The moon rules Cancer so I won't be surprised if your face is shaped as round as the moon.

Sensitive to other's emotions & intuitive on how people may feel or react.

Amazing creatives. They use their emotions to make the best projects. Some of their projects (story writing for example) can be based on their lives at home or their hometown.

On the outside they may come off reserved and even cold. This is the "hard on the outside soft on the inside" effect. Deep down they are very soft, sweet, giving, & sensitive.

They want public recognition for their efforts, as you should!!!

According to Woolfolk, they are very good with saving money and handling it as well. Being the opposite sign of Capricorn (the sign of conservation), I am not surprised since opposing signs do share qualities of each other in one way or another.

LEO ASC:

Very grand people and luxurious YESSSS BITCH!!!

People may notice their hair first. Know how Leo is the lion? We see the lion's mane (or hair) first. This also applies for Leo ASCs.

A personal take- Leo ASC have this sun-kissed glow about them (lol pun intended). It's like their skin is so bright and glowy and it is so beautiful.

Give off a very happy and exuberant energy.

Extremely likeable people.

Views life as a stage!

Prides themselves on being a leader and delegator.

Can easily find fame or people will scout them out easily.

Also can be surrounded by alot of influential people. This helps their image if they want to be famous one day. Get to networking!!!

Can have a very nice back. Leo also rules the back.

VIRGO ASC:

Another personal take: why do so many Virgo ASC or Virgo placements have to wear glasses? That's interesting.

May have a frail looking body, but that does not mean they are sick yall.

Looks at life through a filter. Meaning, they like to hold on to valuable information that they can actually use and apply in their life.

^Yet, this can also mean that they may become too dependent on details to make decision. Don't forget to look at the bigger picture.

They love order and reason.

Thrive in intellectual pursuits. Especially if they are scientific and not philosophical.

Likes to gain rewards from their own efforts and not due to what others think. They love to listen and be assured in their own reasoning as YOU SHOULD!!!

May forget to take others' opinions into consideration.

Could come off shy and distant.

May own property in their later lives? Idk but Woolfolk mentions this and if anyone can chime in here I would be happy to hear it!

-That's it for PART 1! Part 2 will be out tomorrow!

-Also, to show your appreciation, do feel free to tip me! I have so much more content I want to teach and tell yall and I'm excited! You can tip me at my cashapp: $DellyRelly if you appreciate my content in more ways than just following me! Anywho, see yall tomorrow!

-Claude

[keanureevesisbae]

But professor... - c.1

Summary: Penny Townsend is going to attend her first criminology class. What she didn’t expect was professor Walter Marshall.

Professor!Walter Marshall x Penny Townsend (Asian ofc)

Wordcount: 3.3k

Warnings: Mentions of murder and blood

A/N: I hope you enjoy this Professor!AU -- can you imagine? Walter Marshall as a professor? 🤤

Masterlist // But professor... masterlist // Next chapter

✎ ✎ ✎

My parents hoped that I would become a doctor. I get it—being friends with a lot of successful parents with equally successful children, must’ve raised their standard for me. They however must’ve known that medicine wasn’t it for me and going to law school isn’t my forte either. It must’ve been hard on them, knowing I wasn’t that intellectually gifted, though they tried their best for me to be.

They did a lot for me. At the ripe age of two to five hours, I was placed at the entrance of a church in Maryland. The pastor and his wife discovered me and brought me to the hospital, only to found out I wasn’t just a couple weeks premature, but also had a lot of heroin in my system.

My birth parents barely gave me a chance the second I was born (probably when I was conceived, but okay) and that is why I am so grateful that my adoptive parents care so much about me.

And that’s why I want to make them proud and studying psychology is my best chance at being the successful daughter they deserve, but man does it feel wrong to be here. I know there is another student out there who deserves to be here, who actually wants to do this, yet here I am taking their place.

Psychology wasn’t the greatest choice already, but having to take criminology was an even bigger mistake. I walk into the lecture hall for the first criminology class. My hands shake because of the nerves, they’re even clammy. I’m not good at making friends, so seeing those cliques that has formed after only two weeks of university, makes me slightly jealous and really alone.

I never really fitted in. My teachers would describe me as a sweet young girl, who is painfully shy.

That, of course, is if they even noticed me at all.

It can be hard to fit in, especially when you feel out of place the second you enter a room, like I have felt since I can remember.

‘Take a seat,’ I hear a deep voice say and I look up, to meet the eyes of the professor. He is unlike all of my other professors. He isn’t in a suit or at least some decent slacks. His denim jeans hugs his thick thighs, as he wears a sweater on top. His curls are disheveled and slightly frizzy and his beard is asymmetrical. A deep frown in between his brows.

‘Me?’ I ask in a soft tone.

He nods. ‘You,’ he confirms.

I walk passed him to choose a seat in the back. I take place and look around me, only to meet the eyes of the professor again. While I wonder what made him choose teaching, since he doesn’t look like someone who was born to teach, I also ponder about the fact he is looking at me again.

Why would he do that?

I grab my laptop and open it, opening a new document. I’ve been going to NYU for two weeks now, yet this is my first criminology class. I run my fingers through my hair, pushing up the glasses on my nose bridge.

‘Okay everyone,’ I hear the professor say, when it’s time for the class to start. ‘There is a sheet going around. Find the spot you’re sitting now and write down your name. If I find out you are messing with me, you have failed your class immediately.’

He is not beating around the bush.

‘I’m detective Walter Marshall. I have worked for the MPD, the Minneapolis Police Department. For this semester there are three subjects we’ll cover. Victimology, crime analysis and the psychology of criminal behavior.’

This is not at all what I want to learn. This is too gore for me. I should’ve stood up to my parents and go to cosmetology school like I originally wanted. It’s better for me anyways.

I’m so stupid.

The paper ends up on my table and I try to find my place on it. I write down ‘Penelope Townsend’ and slide it to the person two tables over. Professor Marshall explains how we have a weekly lecture of two hours and how he is available for questions every Friday, since he’ll be in his office.

‘Does anyone have any questions?’

A guy raises his hand. ‘Why aren’t you working for the MPD anymore, sir?’

Professor Marshall sits on the edge of his desk, crossing his muscular arms in front of his chest. ‘I was put on leave.’

‘Why?’

‘There were some issues,’ he says. ‘Between me and suspects.’

I have no idea what he is implying, but the silence in the classroom is so thick, that I have a clue what types of issues came with said suspects.

‘Really?’ the guy asks.

The professor only raises his eyebrows, which obviously means he isn’t joking. You don’t need to have studied Psychology to figure that out. ‘Any more questions?

‘Do we work in pairs for the assignment?’ a girl asks.

He shakes his head. ‘No, individual works only.’

I let out a sigh of relief. Thank the stars, I don’t want to work with others. Really, I don’t.

‘Okay, if that’s all, let me start right away. What do these women have in common?’ He presses a button on his presenter and the screen behind him changes. Three pictures of women appear on the screen. It’s their driver’s license photo.

‘They’re women,’ a guy says, causing a few to laugh.

Professor Marshall grabs the paper with names and says: ‘Does anyone have something less obvious to comment than mister Fitzgerald?’ He seems not amused at all by the words of Fitzgerald.

‘Brown hair, blue eyes,’ a girl says.

He nods. ‘And?’

‘They’re pretty,’ another girl says.

‘Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,’ he notes. His eyes scan the paper and he looks up. ‘Miss Townsend, do you have something to add?’

Our eyes meet again and I realize that I’m the only miss Townsend in the class. I clear my throat and look at the pictures. Say something smart, Penny. Say something intelligent. Really intelligent.

The obvious things have already been said, so I should stay away from those things.

I swallow hard, press my glasses better on my nose and say: ‘Their left eyelid is slightly droopy.’

I hear some people chuckle a bit, making me feel everything but intelligent.

‘Quiet,’ professor Marshall says and the chuckles die down instantly. ‘Their droopy left eyelid is what made them appealing to the killer.’ He looks up from the other side of class, right at me. His slightly annoyed gaze dissolves for a few moments into a soft one. ‘Miss Townsend made an excellent point here. It took an entire police department to come to that conclusion over the course of two months.’

Oh my goodness, I made an excellent point.

The slides change and I see another picture. This time it’s of a man. It’s a mugshot. I bet he is the killer.

‘Miss Townsend, since you are on a roll,’ the professor continues and I nearly groan. Really? He wants me to answer another questions? ‘What’s do you notice about this man?’

I scan his entire face. He has a crooked nose, blemishes on his forehead and thin lips. He looks like a killer. This would be the type of man I would avoid if I came across him.

‘His left eyelid is also droopy,’ I say.

Is that a tiny smirk on his lips? ‘Correct.’ While professor Marshall continues to explain about how his own appearance is unknowingly influencing his choice of victims, I can’t help but beam a little with pride. ‘Because,’ he continues, ‘if you understand your victims, you can understand your killer.’ The slideshow changes to one word. ‘Welcome to victimology.’

✎ ✎ ✎

Time spend in a lecture hall while professor Marshall teaches flies by. Though he is a bit grumpy and not very welcoming, he is interesting and smart. Much better than my other teachers. I put everything in my backpack, before I get up from my seat. I’m one of the last students to leave the place, mostly because I don’t want to be swarmed by the cliques.

‘Miss Townsend,’ professor Marshall says, causing me to stop misstep as I already passed him.

I turn around. ‘Yes?’ I ask.

He doesn’t look up from his notes. ‘You did well in class today.’

Is this man giving me a compliment? He might be the first one in a teacher like position to ever notice me, let alone give me a compliment. ‘I did?’

‘Yeah,’ he says, now looking up from his notes. ‘Don’t hesitate to say something in class next time. You have great insight.’

‘Or just luck,’ I say.

Professor Marshall shakes his head. ‘No, this isn’t about luck, this is good insight. So, can you promise me to raise your hand next class?’

I bite my lip, before shaking my head. ‘No, I can’t.’

‘Why can’t you?’

‘What I said: this was luck and it probably won’t happen again. I have to go. I reserved a spot at the library. If that is all, sir?’

He doesn’t say anything, simply looks at me. It takes a second, maybe two before he nods. ‘If you have questions,’ he says, ‘you know how to contact me.’

I nod, before I walk out of the hall. I see students gathering in front of the door and I quickly slip through them and make my way to the library. I’ve been going to classes for around two weeks now and I’m still up to date as we speak. I decide to at least make a beginning with the assignments of my criminology class, because the sooner I start, the less work and stress I’ll experience later on, because I most definitely will stress about it.

It’s been quite awhile since I opened a book for school for assignments or preparing for exams. After high school, I decided to take a gap year, which ended in two. I’ve traveled with all sorts of groups to different countries, worked at an international cafe in Japan for awhile. It did help me with my social skills. I was happy, social and totally in my element. Those wonderful skills were all forgotten the second I stepped foot back in the USA again.

It was my parents that pushed for going back to college and once they figured out that medicine or law wasn’t up my alley, they agreed psychology, though it wasn’t my thing either.

It’s okay, sure, but… Gosh, I miss the freedom I had during the gap years. I’m not stupid, but is the academical life for me? I have looked at cosmetology school and boy do I wish I was there at the moment.

And not here.

✎ ✎ ✎

I don’t know how long I have been at the library, but my eyes are tired by the time I close my laptop. Besides working on my assignment, I also texted my parents to tell them everything is going fine and checked out multiple cosmetology schools here in the area.

Originally I’m from Maryland, meaning it’s only a three hour drive to see my parents and for them to check in on me. I considered lying about my major, about attending NYU and just go to cosmetology school, but mom and dad are paying my tuition, which is another loophole in my plan.

I put the laptop in my backpack and walk out of the library. Every second my mind wasn’t occupied with university related things, it went straight back to my first criminology class, more specifically my professor. His words. It’s one thing he said those things to me, but another that he looked so handsome while saying it.

‘There she is,’ I hear from behind me as I walk through the hallways to the exit. I turn around to discover it’s Fitzgerald. I forgot his first name, which is weird since we share a lot of the same classes together. He isn’t easy to miss. Pleasant on the eyes, that’s for sure, but he is loud, thinks he is hilarious and that makes him kinda annoying. ‘Miss Townsend,’ he says in a mocking tone.

Okay, change kinda annoying to absolutely insufferable.

‘Hm?’

Fitzgerald walks next to me and he comes a lot closer than I prefer. ‘You’re already the teacher’s pet,’ he continues. ‘Bet the man has a thing for Asian chicks.’

I have no idea how to respond to that implication. My instinct says to get out of here, but the exit is right ahead of me and from the looks of it, Fitzgerald is going there as well. So there is no escape.

‘But let’s say it’s beginners luck,’ he says, ‘because it was actually the first time I heard you speak.’

‘You mind leaving me alone?’ I ask.

‘Why is that, sugar boo?’

Okay, now I’m gonna vomit. Goosebumps run over my spine and the hairs in my neck are standing straight up. I bet this guy’s dad is rich, therefore the only reason he is here. ‘I don’t want you here.’

‘You don’t want me here?’ He starts to chuckle. ‘Sweetheart, everyone wants me here.’

Not me.

‘Fitzgerald, are you deaf?’

It’s professor Marshall.

His eyes enlarge when he realizes that too. ‘No, sir,’ he quickly says.

‘She said she doesn’t want you here.’ He stands in front of the two of us, looking everything but amused. ‘You know, back when I was working, I encountered a lot of guys like you. Did you know they usually peak in high school, do okay in college, but the second they end up locked up in jail—and I promise you, they most often will—they aren’t so tough anymore. They usually end up as someone’s bitch.’

To hear this entire monologue and the word bitch from a professor, was not at all what I was expecting. Fitzgerald’s face is drained from all its color. While Fitzgerald looks like he shat himself, I am utterly amazed. I wish I was this intimidating, I think to myself.

Fitzgerald clears his throat, eyes darting around the hallway, almost as if he is trying to find the closest exit. He shoots out of this place very quickly, meaning I’m left with only our professor.

‘Thank you, sir,’ I say.

Professor Marshall simply nods. ‘You know, if you lowered your shoulders, you’d appear more confident.’

Why do I feel so offended? ‘Oh…’

‘It’s advice, miss Townsend, not criticism.’

‘Oh,’ I say again, this time in a whisper like tone. He could’ve brought it up a bit nicer though. No need to hurt my feelings like that.

Professor Marshall and I both walk towards the exit and I notice it’s raining. Great, guess who didn’t bring her umbrella and also isn’t wearing a jacket with a hood?

Absolutely fantastic.

‘Here,’ the professor says, holding out his umbrella for me.

Is this truly happening? ‘Oh, sir, that’s not necessary.’

‘I insist.’

With some hesitation I grab the umbrella from him and smile. ‘Thank you, professor.’

He politely nods and walks off, leaving me with the umbrella and a little bit confused. Though he looks so handsome and slightly intimidating, he still is nice to me. The only teacher ever. Maybe Fitzgerald is right and—

No, no, no, don’t think like that. It’s not that every man who is nice to me all of the sudden has this fetish. That can’t be it, right?

Maybe, despite my aversion, I am actually good at the whole criminology thing and isn’t it a one time thing. Luck. Maybe I do have something I am good at.

✎ ✎ ✎

That Friday I am still on campus after I spend my entire afternoon in the library. Since I have a question about the criminology assignment, I decide walk to the office of professor Marshall. To kill two birds with one stone, I brought his umbrella with me so I can give it back. I knock on the door and hear a low: ‘Come in.’

I open the door and am met with the professor, who is sitting behind is desk. ‘Sir, I have a question about the assignment.’

He leans back in his chair and gestures me to come in. I close the door behind me and expect to sit, until I notice there isn’t a chair anywhere for me to sit on. How unwelcome of him, I think to myself. Does that mean I have to remain standing?

‘What’s your question, miss Townsend?’

‘I didn’t know which format I had to use for the entire assignment. It’s not really that big of a deal, but I was here in the building and I thought that I could…’ Nice way of getting off track, Penny. As they said in high school musical: ‘Get’cha your head in the game’ and this is  not the game. ‘Never mind. Which format should I use?’

‘That’s up to you,’ he says.

That’s it? That’s the answer he is gonna give me?

‘Right,’ I mumble.

‘Other questions, miss Townsend?’

Yes. I let out a deep sigh. ‘The assignment is just harder than I thought,’ I admit. ‘I don’t really understand it.’

Professor Marshall stands up and holds out his hand. ‘Sit, I’ll try to explain it.’

‘In your chair?’

He simply nods and I walk around the desk, to take a seat, while he leans against the windowsill. Oh, the leather is warm… What a body heat does this man produce. ‘Okay, the point of the assignment is to use some of the example files of—staged—murders. Based on the file you choose, you choose a format. You write out the victimology, try to narrate who the killer is, writing down all your findings and there are things I’m gonna talk about in next classes.’

I nod. ‘That makes it easier, thank you, sir.’

‘You’re already working on the assignment?’ he asks. Why does he sound genuinely surprised?

I nod again. ‘I am. I find it easier to work a bit every day, than to cram it all in one day.’ I realize how that sounds. ‘That sounds dorky.’

‘It doesn’t really. It’s a whole lot better than what I did back in the days,’ he says. ‘What did you think of the class?’

Is he asking for my opinion? ‘Your class was very interesting. Slightly morbid though, but fascinating.’

‘Morbid?’ the professor asks. ‘There was nothing morbid about my class.’

I scrunch up my nose. ‘It was kinda scary. With the blood patterns and all. The peek into the murderer’s mind?’ I shiver. ‘Don’t know, felt too personal and too much into the killer’s brain.’

‘The class you’re taking is criminology,’ he says, ‘you should’ve known.’

I shrug, not knowing what to say to him. He is right…

‘Miss Townsend—’

‘Penny,’ I say. ‘It’s Penny. Penelope officially, but people barely call me that.’ People barely call out for me ever, but that’s a different topic. Total different topic.

‘Penny,’ he says, ‘could’ve known.’

I don’t know what he is implying, but I realize I am totally overstaying. ‘I’m sorry, I should go. Thanks for helping me out. Oh, I brought you back your umbrella. I don’t need it anyways.’

Professor Marshall nods. ‘Okay.’

‘I should go. It’s getting kinda dark already.’

‘Let me guess, you don’t do well in the dark.’

I smile almost out of guilt. ‘That obvious?’

For a brief moment I spot a smirk on his face. ‘I’m a detective, I spot these things.’

Okay, not gonna lie, but that’s pretty funny. ‘See you next class, professor,’ I say, standing up from his chair and I walk towards the door.

‘See you next class, Penny.’

[epicene-humanoid]

some trans Jeff thoughts:

he realized he was trans in elementary school and just went fuck it I'll just start introducing myself as Jeffery and see if anyone decides to stop me (as we know, jeff winger can get away with almost anything)

he got top surgery the second he could afford it (around the same time he started at his law firm), and probably bribed someone to keep it a secret

"I'm jeff winger and i would rather look at myself naked than the women I sleep with" are the words of a man proud of his transition

he's really insecure about his fashion sense, which is why he mostly dresses like the douchey guys at his firm in the start of the show, he thought you can't go wrong with the sleazy lawyer look

he will never admit it but he feels super good about the dean hitting on him, because the dean is a (cis) guy, acknowledging that Jeff is more manly than him

i think he starts out stealth and comes out to everyone one by one, probably starting with abed because he knows abed won't judge him and will probably just see it as an interesting backstory.

abed just says it's cool and maybe worth a prequel exploring Jeff's transition, and jeff asks him to predict how all of the members of the group will react to him coming out.

abed's predictions:

britta will be over-the-top supportive and do a ton of research about trans history, probably put together a slideshow just to prove how progressive she is, and jeff will be a little bit weirded out, but also touched that she did all that for him, though he would never let her know that

shirley will be confused, because she doesn't know how someone she trusts and knows so well could be part of a group she was raised to hate, but ultimately realizes that there's nothing actually against the lgbtq people in the bible, and, as a cool character development arch, starts to advocate against use of the bible to justify bigotry

troy will just think it over and decide that Jeff's physique and coolness are even awesomer knowing how much work he'd had to put in to be like that, and respects Jeff's manliness even more

annie will give him a hug, say something sweet about how she'll always love him, and worry about his health, because even she read somewhere that taking testosterone makes you more likely to have a heart attack, jeff will explain that the risk is still only as high a cis guy, and she'll be the one to always remind him to take his shots

peirce will say at best say "jeff winger used to be a chick?" and at worst call him a slur, either way there's sure to be a lot of misgendering from him, and pestering to know Jeff's deadname (needless to say, Jeff just doesn't tell peirce)

the whole group goes out of their way to keep their beach trips a secret from pierce (the girls don't want him there anyways, he's too liable to be creepy) even though jeff knows that even if pierce saw his scars, all he would have to do is make up a story about some childhood accident and pierce would never question it

sorry this ended up being super long. can I hear some of your headcanons for him?

YES ALL THIS!!! yes yes i’m fully accepting this as canon oh my god

i’m about to type a whole ass ESSAY at midnight because i have been DYING to talk about this for months ajfdksljk,,, this is going to be obscenely long and i might end up adding even more to it as i continue to rewatch the show because there is truly no shortage of trans jeff content (especially when you’re trans and see transness in every little thing ajdkslfkjs)

spoiler warning for literally everything about this show under the cut <3

i 100% agree, i feel like he realized he was trans super young, especially since in the show we see him as a little kid a couple of times. 

like look at little jeff with the oversized sweatshirt and little ponytail!! that’s childhood trans fashion. not to be dramatic but part of me thinks that jeff’s dad left before he fully came out to his family (which gives him even more angst about it, because until that one Thanksgiving episode, he’s never able to prove to his dad that he’s a better man), but part of me thinks that his dad left after he came out (which adds that spicy i-should-have-stayed-in-the-closet guilt that he has to work through). 

either way, because his dad wasn’t there, he had to base his concept of masculinity on something else, which was becoming a lawyer!! there’s some line that’s like “after the dust and divorce papers were settled the only man i looked up to was [the lawyer guy]”. like, replacing your father figure in your mind with the concept of “a job where you can talk your way in and out of anything and distort other people’s concept of reality”? that’s trans.

 and the fucking THANKSGIVING EPISODE... i struggle to watch it without crying hehe <3 yeowch! the dichotomy of willy jr. being the “wrong” kind of man because he’s “too soft” but jeff also not being enough despite adhering to all the social standards of masculinity... fuck!! this whole scene of him telling his dad “i am Not well adjusted” and talking about how he gave himself an “appendix surgery scar” when he was a kid and he still keeps the get-well-soon letters from his classmates under his bed? oh my god. the implication of people loving him not despite his scars but because of them?? trans. i can’t think about this episode for too long or i’ll start yelling.

OH and this scene? where he talks about how his mom got him a girl costume for halloween?? and everyone said “what a cute little girl” and after a few houses he stopped correcting them?? and “once the shame and the fear wore off, i was just glad they thought i was pretty”?? THAT’S TRANS... the man needs validation oh my god... and then in all the halloween episodes we see he has these ultra-masculine costumes (a cowboy, David Beckham, one of the fast and furious guys even though he never watched the movies, a boxer with his DAD’S boxing gloves... god) costumes are about becoming something else and he always chooses to be hypermasculine and that is trans.

THE PHYSICAL EDUCATION EPISODE!!!!!!! being uncomfortable during P.E. is a queer experience. period. but him being specifically uncomfortable in the clothes someone else is assigning to him? trans. “are we gonna talk about clothes like a girl? or use tapered sticks to hit balls around a cushioned mat like a man?” TRANS. and him eventually stripping in public? celebration of transness. and the fact that he eventually becomes comfortable in both the uniform and his own style!! trans!! god i love this episode. 

AND AND AND!!! the gay dean coming out episode!!! where it’s the three of them discussing the best way for the dean to come out as gay despite not entirely identifying with that label!! so we have both frankie and the dean who are sort of ambiguously queer, and jeff who’s a stealth trans man who’s probably only out to only the study group at this point. this scene where the dean and jeff have this like eyebrow communication while frankie is talking is just so cute. queer-to-queer communication. “I am so curious” “oh?” “intellectually.” “oh...” ajfdksljfk this scene just screams high school GSA to me and i love it so much.

and SPEAKING of the dean!! i totally see you on that. i feel like jeff has some internalized homophobia/biphobia (like he’d throw punches over someone else, but when it comes to himself he has a lot of shame). and also seeing the dean so confident in all his different outfits/costumes has a weird affect on him bc it’s like “okay, the dean, a cis guy, can do that, but i as a trans guy could Not because that’s Breaking the Rules”. which, like, throwback to the halloween thing. of course there’s no right way to be masculine, but mr. winger does not know that.

another thing!! the episode where their emails get leaked? that includes his emails with his therapist. fuck!! he was outed to the whole world in that episode!! no wonder he was so fucking angry!! this whole episode (and really any time he mentions his therapist) is so interesting when you think about them as a person he talks to about his transition. OH which adds to the thing with the dean!! “and you told your therapist you wanted to be alone this weekend” and “not you jeff, i know you’ll be visiting your dad” ”I told you to stop reading my emails”. luckily his study group has his back and just makes fun of him for emailing astronauts lmao

and WHO can forget “they’re giving out an award for most handsome young man!!!!” what else is there to say about this line besides: he’s trans. you know he didn’t get awarded enough for being a handsome young man when he was a kid, and no amount of compliments when he’s fully-grown can really make up for that. some people crash a kid’s bar mitzvah to cope with the fact that they struggled to be seen as themselves when they were a teenager <3

also his weird relationship with pierce? where he kind of hates him (understandably lmao) but at times has this almost-friends-almost-father-son relationship with him? especially in this episode where he’s forced to bond with him and ends up having a good time by accident (at a barber shop no less, the perfect place to Be A Man with your Man Friend). idk what to say about him besides the fact that pierce says his mom wanted a girl when he was born and made him dress like a girl (and his middle name is anastasia!) so if they’re gonna do any bonding over transness it’s gonna be that. 

okay one last thing and then i’ll shut up for the night. this episode kills me (and almost kills jeff hahahahelpi’mcrying). it’s a very Trans thing to not be able to visualize your future self, it just is. growing up trans at the time he did? i don’t know what kind of future he saw for himself, but i’m so happy that he ended up with a group of friends who became his family and love him the way they all do. i’m so emotional over this asshole it’s ridiculous. 

in conclusion:

they’re trans, your honor <3

[pigeonp0st]

As promised I now am more familiar with Lena (and I'm in love w this woman) I came to request Lena being insecure cause she grew up with her abusive mother and she's touch starved and she doesn't know how to show affection to her girlfriend (reader) but R notices she's acting a little distant and they just end up with cuddles or something like that! Pls I just need something really fluffy cause Lena deserves the world!

Lena Luthor x Reader #1

Words:1,491

Warnings: depressing thoughts (?)

Notes:

Yay! Thank you for my first Lena request ;) this...didn’t turn out as fluff filled as I planned originally, but I hope you enojoy it anyways. (Sorry for spelling mistakes!)

————

Llllian and the Luthors ingrained many things in Lena that she’s still struggling to get over. Currently, physical affection is something she’s trying to get used to—physical affection that isn’t for manipulative purposes, at least.

It’s hard though. It’s easy to want (she’s wanted it like this, from you especially, for a very long time) but hard...to accept.

That’s why when you cuddle into her at night, unprovoked, Lena only thinks of all the ways she’s undeserving.

You wrap your arms around Lena from behind, and rest your head on her shoulder like it’s nothing, and she wonders when you’ll realize she’s not good enough.

You give, and you give, and you ask for nothing in return, and Lena see’s memories of a girl who looked up at her mother with desperation, and a need for approval, and got nothing in return.

Lena remembers a girl who tried, and tried, and learned too late that nothing she ever did would ever be enough for love. That to them, she would never be worthy of love.

Intellectually Lena knows that when she was four years old, being handed to the Luthors, she had to have known what love and affection was—she looked for it with such a large amount of wanting that she couldn’t not have known what it felt like—but now…

Now Lena just doesn’t know. Well...she does, but she doesn’t know how to react to it anymore. She doesn’t know how to give it.

She does know what it feels like.

It feels like your hugs that make her feel safe, and your hand in hers that makes her feel grounded, and your kisses that make her feel like everything’s going to be okay.

Sometimes, sometimes, it’s enough to make Lena feel like this isn't something she has to earn.

Other, more unfortunate times, it serves in making Lena feel guilty. She feels guilty that she’s never the one reaching, and that you’re always the one pulling, so she pushes away because of it.

She tries to be subtle but in hindsight she probably isn’t more obvious.

Lena tries to ignore the flash of hurt in your eyes when she pulls her hand away with an excuse, and the defeat in your voice when Lena says she’s going to be home late “so just just go ahead and go to bed by yourself,” And all the while she doesn’t even know why she’s pushing when it hurts so much.

It doesn’t even help the guilt, it only makes her feel more guilty and angry at herself, and perhaps this is what she deserves.

Perhaps the self-loathing she’s so accustomed to has become a comfort.

———

You gave Lena her space—the space you aren’t even sure she wanted—but now a confrontation is in order.

You corner her in the living room one day (not really, all you do is shut her laptop and sit on her so she can’t escape) and Lena blinks up at you and says; “I was wondering how long this would take,” like she already knows what’s happening.

You’re not sure how she knows when not even you know what your plan is here...but you suppose she’s a genius for a reason.

“Lena,” you start, pouting, because you want her to know this isn’t a fight. It’s a conversation, you don’t want Lena getting defensive before it even begins.

She’s tense enough as is.

“We said we’d talk about things,” you remind her, your pout turning into a comforting smile. “What’s bothering you?”

Lena laughs, unsurprised, and says, quietly, “I have a feeling you already know.”

And yeah, you sort of do, but not completely, because Lena’s been pulling away from you, but she looks like she’s pulling herself apart too.

“Was it too much?” You ask, tilting her chin up with your pointer finger, “do you want me to dial it back on the touching?”

The way Lena’s eyes immediately widen in alarm is answer enough, but she vocalizes her disapproval anyways with a choked out; “No.”

The look you give her is complete confusion.

“No, no,” Lena repeats, eyebrows coming together, “I just—I’m—” she pauses, releasing a breath. “I’m sorry, give me a moment.”

You wait patiently while Lena gathers her thoughts, and smile to yourselves at the subconscious tap of her fingers on your arm.

“I can’t give the way you do,” Lena finally says, after what feels like hours but must’ve been minutes, and you know what she means. “I don’t know how to give affection like it’s an everyday thing, and I felt...like an asshole.”

You snort, but Lena continues after a flick to your arm, “I guess I distanced myself because sometimes I felt too much guilt around you.”

“You guess?” You tease, smiling.

Lena relaxes immediately at your smile and groans, because yeah, she knows it doesn’t make sense, she’s already acknowledged that. “I don’t really know what I was doing.”

“Lena,” you sigh, feigning exasperation, “I don’t need you to instigate hugs, or hold my hand, or be the one to cuddle up to me, or give me load of kisses, or—”

“—I get it.”

“I just need you close enough that I can do all of those things for us,” you finish.

You don’t let Lena look away when she tries, instead you clasp her face in between your hands and bring your faces close enough together that you two are touching noses.

“Even if i’m the one that instigates all of those things...Lena, you do realize that you’re usually the one that doesn’t let me pull away, right?”

She gives you a bewildered look that has you pulling away and laughing into her neck, because god, your girlfriend is a dork.

“You cling to me like a fucking sloth, babe.”

“I don’t,” Lena protests, looking aghast, but you aren’t done.

“And not only that, but you’re getting better Lena, you truly are,” you assure her, because she is. Even this week while she was pulling away from you, she still gave you subtle unconscious touches, touches that she wouldn’t have given as mindless as she had when the two of you had just met.

“I…” Lena blinks, caught off guard, “well then.”

You roll your eyes playfully, because of course Lena doesn’t see her progress. She’ll only ever see where she’s “lacking”. It’s fine though, you’ll just show her how great she is until she’s able to see for herself. All of her friends will.

“Baby, all you need to do is let me love you and it’s all I’ll ever want to do,” you admit, ghosting your finger over her cheek. Loving Lena Luthor is the easiest, most awarding, thing you’ve ever done, when she smiles at you the way she smiles at you now. Complete admiration.

Yes; this is your award.

——-

Later, when the two of you are going to bed, Lena wraps her arms around you and whispers, quietly into the darkness, “thank you”, and you love her.

You love her despite the way she struggles, and because of the way she tries, and you love her because she looks at you like you make trying easier.

“Lena?” You ask, seeing if she’s awake. She is, she kisses your cheek sleepily to let you know, and you smile immediately.

“I’m so proud of you. Not just for this progress, but for everything you are, and for everything you accomplished for people who wouldn’t acknowledge it,” you sigh into her hair, consumed by unwavering sadness for a little girl that deserved better, and for an adult that deserves more. “I see it. I acknowledge it. You’re amazing, Lee.”

This, this she has to know. This, the world needs to know.

Lena says nothing for such a long while that you think she’s fallen asleep, but then, right as you’re on the verge of sleep she whispers, wonder in her voice, “why is it that I believe you?” And then, quietly, “why is it that you make me feel worthy?”

You fall asleep wondering yourself how a woman so full of worth, and brilliance, can believe so little in herself.

Then you dream of a mother with an icy fake smile, and a brother with a crazed look in his eye, and a father who was much too busy, and you know.

You know. So when you wake up the next morning you tighten your arms around a peaceful sleeping Lena and wish only to protect her from evil that she sometimes (foolishly) believes is in herself.

——

She wakes up with mischief in her eyes, and a bright smile on her lips, and you think that maybe you should be focusing more on protecting your own heart if she keeps looking at you with that look on her face.

“Good morning, my hero,” you rasp out, lost in green eyes.

Lena’s smile turns impossibly soft. “Good morning, my love.”

[odos-bucket]

Protective Batbros, a subsidiary of my Protective Batdad series

Tim is sitting alone.

It was something Dick had made note of shortly after arriving at the gala. There are people scattered around at various tables, but even more people milling about and socializing. Before he can do more than smile and nod to the newest Robin, a small group of WE investors draw his attention into a dull conversation.

Dick talks with them for a little while, then makes his rounds throughout the big hall, mingling with various acquaintances, and sampling some hors d’oeuvres. By the time he’s back to where he began, he notices that Tim is still sitting by himself. Or, he amends, maybe someone else has been by and gone again?

Tim ’s posture is perfectly straight, and he isn’t looking around. His expression is neutral, but not blank like he’s spacing out. There are appetizers on his plate that he clearly hasn’t touched. One of his hands is folded in his lap, the thumb of the other hand is rubbing methodically at the polished handle of a decorative spoon. Dick makes his way over to take the seat beside him.

“Heya, kiddo.”

“Dick!” Tim’s face lights up when he sees him, if only for a moment, which makes Dick’s heart light up as well, as he pulls the kid into a one armed hug.

He makes a brief mental note of how tightly Tim clings to him in return, then files the observation away to analyze later.

He doesn’t like how little they’ve seen Tim around the manor recently. His parents have been in town for the past week and a half, which throws a bit of a wrench into their nighttime escapades.

But it’s a good thing, he reminds himself. Tim doesn’t get to spend nearly enough time with his parents; it’s good that they’re around. Dick feels a little guilty for thinking of them as an inconvenience, even though he’s pretty sure Bruce does too.

Dick leans back into his own seat, but keeps an arm resting on the back of Tim’s.

“How’s it going?” He asks.

“Okay,” Tim says with a shrug, expression and posture already returned to their neutral state.

“Been kinda boring without you around this past week.”

“Yeah, sorry. My dad likes to know where I am.” He begins to rub his hands together, then seems to realize what he’s doing, and forces himself to return to the subtler motion of worrying at the silverware.

Dick nods, watching his hand.

“Must be nice having them around for a while.” He is being supportive. He needs to be supportive.

“I- yeah. It’s great…”

Dick looks at him with an open expression, waiting for some clarification.

“They’re not like around around,” Tim says. “They still work. But it’s nice when we get to have dinner together. And Mom says that maybe we can try to have a family game night before they have to leave again, if there’s time…”

Dick resists the urge to ask when that will be. Tim sees right through him.

“They’ll be leaving for Norway before the end of the month.”

Dick isn’t sure what the appropriate reaction to that is, and his expression sort of ends up stumbling into a grimace. He glances down to keep it concealed, and Tim is kind enough not to draw attention to it.

“I’m sorry they’re not staying longer. But it’ll be good to have you around again.”

Tim nods absently. An uncomfortable expression flits across his face, but vanishes quickly.

“Tim, are you feeling okay?”

At first he just gets a noncommittal noise in response to the question, then after a minute Tim wrinkles his nose, and glances around the room.

“It’s loud.”

Dick nods. He hadn’t really been attuned to the noise level himself. It wasn’t especially loud by Gotham aristocracy standards, but he could see how it might be annoying to someone who was bothered by that type of thing, or just wasn’t particularly used to it. Of course, Time would be used to it though, so that didn’t really factor in here.

“I might have some headphones in the car,” he offers. “They’re not noise cancelling, but they might help. Do you want me to go gram ‘em?”

Tim’s expression shifts, and he eyes Dick, like he’s trying to decipher something about him.

“This isn’t exactly an appropriate setting for headphone,” he says after a minute. “I don’t want to be disrespectful.”

“I don’t think anyone here who’s sober enough to notice whether or not you’re wearing headphones is going to feel slighted if you are.”

Tim shrugs stiffly. Dick glances to where his hand is still fidgeting with the flatware, and feels a spark of concern that he might just rub a hole into the pad of his thumb.

“Why don’t we step out for a sec?” He suggests.

“Because it would be rude?” Tim offers uncertainly, not picking up on the rhetorical nature of the question.

“Just for a minute,” Dick insists. He doesn’t like how uneasy Tim is here.

Tim glances around them cautiously, twitching slightly as the band hits a particularly high note, then turns his attention back to Dick and nods.

They head out through the front doors. And while a few people glance at them as they leave, no one hinders their exit.

Outside, Tim seems to finally notice the blister he’s been wearing into his thumb all evening.

“Does that hurt?” Dick asks.

He doesn’t get a response at first, as Tim is frowning down at the finger with apparently intense concentration.

“It’s ugly,” he says after a minute. “I used to pull at the skin around my nails. It never hurt badly, just looked weird.”

“I think Bruce keeps bandaids in the car. I’ll go grab you one.”

“That’s-“ Tim begins.

But Dick is already halfway down the wide outdoor staircase. He doesn’t want to leave Tim along for long if he’s been by himself all night, but figures he probably won’t miss much in the forty five seconds it should take him to get to the car and back.

He finds bandaids, and a set of earplugs in the glove compartment. As he dashes back to the main entrance, he acknowledging that the round trip may have taken closer to sixty five seconds, but figures that’s still pretty good.

When he gets to the top of the stairs Tim’s talking with a woman. Or rather, he’s holding very still and being talked at, by a very unhappy woman, who it takes Dick a moment to recognize as Janet Drake.

“-Don’t know what could possibly have made you think it was appropriate to come out here in the middle of a party. We came back to the table and you were gone! People were asking about you too, and what were we supposed to tell them?”

“Hi,” Dick interrupts, as loudly as he thinks he can get away with, and in a deliberately upbeat voice. “I’m so sorry! I had to get something from my car, and asked Tim to come keep me company. I thought we’d be back in before anyone had a chance to miss us.” He dips his head apologetically, and looks back up with a bashful grin.

Mrs. Drake seems completely caught off guard, looking rapidly between Dick and her son, whose gaze has been mostly focused on a spot behind her right ear. After a minute she manages to force some composure into her expression.

“It’s not that we mind you borrowing him, Mr. Grayson-Wayne. It’s just coming back to the table to find that he’s not there, you understand-“

Dick waves off the rushed explanation of her concern.

“I’m sorry to have worried you.”

She studies him for a minute. Dick isn’t sure what she’s looking for, or what she thinks she’s seeing. But he matches her scrutiny, and forces down the thought that he does not like this woman.

She looks away from him quickly enough, clearing her throat.

“Come, Timothy.”

Dick slips the bandaid and earplugs into Tim’s suit pocket as he follows them back inside, and squeezes his shoulder once there’s no longer a plausible reason for them to be going in the same direction.

He then proceeds to spend the rest of the evening maneuvering himself to keep the Drakes in the periphery of his line of sight, keeping an eye on his little brother. Because Tim can handle himself in this environment, but Dick knows he doesn’t like it, knows that all the sound and bright light gives him a headache. And they’re all a little nervous in crowds. And he knows intellectually that the chances of anything really bad happening tonight aren’t actually all that high. Even so, he needs to look out for Tim, because what if no one else is?

It’s almost too hard to think about. Dick has given himself permission to be a little overprotective, feeling like he has a pretty damn good reason to be. But the thing is, Tim’s not really supposed to need it. Not all the time. Not here. He has a family. Dick has always felt a little guilty for resenting them, but watching the Drake’s go the rest of the night without saying more than a stray word or two to their son makes him wonder if maybe he has the right.

He doesn’t know their situation, not really. But he knows what he sees and he doesn’t like it.

“Can we make sure Tim’s family’s at the same table as us the next time we have to go to one of these?” He asks Bruce later that night, asks as if they themselves aren’t already Tim’s family, even if it feels wrong to imply.

Bruce hums a distracted agreement, and Dick thinks he must see it too.

-

Not that it matters especially, but I kind of picture this happening in the same continuity as this story, but maybe a couple months beforehand (or maybe just a couple of weeks if you want the Drakes to be on the same visit).

Hope you enjoy!