#even if only a handful of people will read this my message remains the same:

[miris-secret-files]

can we get a kakashi or naruto in enemies but we fuck bc im obsessed with you?? also if its possible a little of jealousy!

And I Hate You Too || Kakashi Hatake x fem!reader

A/n : At first I wanted to make it a hc but again I decided to make it a fic because I think it had potential

Warnings : enemies to lovers ( kinda ), erection, grinding, oral fem receiver, praising, riding, slight possessiveness, 18+ READERS ONLY and wrap it before you tap it

Masterlist ⚜

I don’t give permission to repost my work, if you want to share it just reblogue it

Word count : 2295

Of course you have known the Copy Ninja for a long time now. You've been forced to deal with him on many occasions. First when he went to Sunagakure to carry messages to the Kazekage, but also on important missions for the interests of Konohagakure and Sunagakure.

On several occasions, the two of you even had to team up, and he was insufferable to say the least. His attitude, always laid back and deceptively relaxed, irritated you to no end. You, who were always very serious, couldn't stand to see him there, his nose buried in his book, as you walked through a forest reputed to be dangerous, towards a destination whose reputation was just as murky. And on the other hand, even if he wasn't doing anything wrong, there was this strange tension between you that made it even more unbearable.

“You could deign at least to be more careful when we walk,” you laughed, continuing to walk just as quickly through the forest.

However, he didn't answer you, pretending to be too engrossed in his reading to reply “Hatake, I'm talking to you,” you added in an exasperated tone, whipping your head towards you.

He chuckled under his mask “That's not funny !” you cut him off.

“I don't see why you mind me reading as long as I'm operative for the mission,” he replied before finally settling his gaze on yours for the first time that day. The air grew even tighter around you, the way he leaned towards you, his face only a few centimeters from yours “Unless you'd prefer me to look at you.”

“Enough !” you exclaimed, as a blush spread across your cheeks, you whipped your face away so he wouldn't see, though it was unsuccessful “This isn't the time for that ! Just concentrate on the mission !” you added frustrated. You walked ahead of him before adding under your breath "The sooner we finish, the sooner I won't have to put up with you anymore," at this point his mocking look was playing dangerously with your nerves, you just wanted to push him up against the nearest tree and make him lose his temper in the same way.

But he heard you “As if I wasn't the one who had to put up with you,” he said loud enough for you to hear.

“You better be kidding me !” your hand clenched and unclenched around your sword ( yeah I'm in my One Piece era ) with emotion. All you wanted to do was knock him out and leave him there. But you knew that no matter what you were going to say, he would know just how to push your buttons, either by answering as sharply as you, or by pretending to remain indifferent without ever answering you.

As you expected, he answered nothing, and the mission continued in deafening silence with an atmosphere so thick you could cut it with a knife. The mission was completed to perfection, as always, but once back in front of the Kazekage you couldn't help wishing you wouldn't have to see him again so soon, little did you know things were going to turn out differently.

~~

A few months later, the start of the Chūnin Selection Exams was announced at Konohagakure. Of course, you were one of the people sent by the Land of Fire to look after the children representing your nation. You were rather proud of your protégés, who had passed the first test with flying colors, but the dark side was here, in this dojo, during the face-to-face test. Let's just say that the ninjas of Hidden Leaf Village were, for the most part, of a much higher level than those back home.

There you were, hands on the railing, hip cocked back, your eyes riveted on the fighting going on above you. Your shouts of encouragement drew the attention of Kakashi, who was, not far away, once again immersed in one of his books. He turned his head at the encouragement, his only visible eye crinkling slightly as he observed the curve of your back. At that moment, a million ideas crossed his mind. He could already see himself reaching behind you, grabbing your hips and holding you close. But the thing he wanted most was to give you a good, hard spanking for all the times you had been bad-mouthed.

He couldn't resist taking a few silent steps in your direction, and of course you felt him coming up behind you. From his spot against the wall he continued to observe your curves, his jaw clenched as he felt the heat rise in his groin. He closed his book and put it in one of the pouches on his belt, his eyes alternating between the fighting and your silhouette.

“Come on, Ryota ! Keep it up, she won't last long !” you encouraged one of the youngsters in your village.

“It's not encouragement that's going to change anything, it's real training he should have had,” the man behind you couldn't help but add sharply.

But you ignored him - just the way he often did with you - and continued to support the young boy who was gradually being overwhelmed by the amount of blows inflicted by his opponent.

Soon enough he lost the fight and was gently placed on a stretcher. You jumped over the fence and landed onto the field to make sure he was all right, and once that was done you went into the changing rooms to fetch him the healing ointment made by one of his parents.

On your way through the gym corridors you passed Kakashi coming in the opposite direction, no doubt on his way to collect the belongings of one of his students as well. Couldn't bear to see his face today, you didn't hold back the shoulder hit you gave him as you passed next to him. Continuing on your way as if nothing had happened, you were surprised when suddenly, at the bend in a corridor, you were roughly slammed against the wall behind you.

“Y/n, Y/n,” he whispered against your temple, and that's when, strangely enough, you realized the difference in size “Why are you always so feisty ? Or is it just for me ?” he chuckled darkly against your skin.

You shivered at the sensation of his hot breath through his mask “Let go of me !” you tried to push him off you, but at the same time you were reveling in his touch.

“You're sure of that, it seems your body is telling me otherwise,” he adds in an over-confident tone, pushing his knee that was nestled between your thighs a little harder against your heating core “So what do we do-”

You didn't let him finish his question, in an instant you pushed him into the nearest changing room before slamming him against the door. He gasped at the force you had put into your movement. This time your body was pressed against his, and he could feel the delicious friction of your hips against his growing erection. His hands came to grip your hips tightly to prevent you from teasing him any further.

“Is there a problem, Ka-ka-shi ?” you pronounced his name syllable by syllable for the first time. A shiver ran through his body, as if it were a revelation. You felt his hands grip your hips a little more firmly and before you knew it, it was you who was now pinned to the door in turn. A click echoed through the room, amidst your heavy breathing as he locked the door. With a lightning-fast motion, he lowered his mask and brought his mouth close to your neck. You didn't even have time to notice as he began to kiss the delicate skin of your neck with his mouth open. Your hands gripped his hair, fingers running through his tangled locks before pulling him closer.

“You talk too much,” he replied in a hoarse voice.

“And you're overdressed,” you add, this time running away from the one who initiated the move to take off his shirt. He helped you and you could finally see his pale, scarred skin, whose muscles flexed with every movement.

“Oooh is that so ?” he bit his lip as you hooked your fingers into the hem of his pants, lowering them until his cock sprang free. He tilted his head back as another grunt escaped his lips as your hand began to jerk him off gently.

“You're so hard,” you muzed, feeling every vein and pulse of his member in your hand.

“Of course I am. Have you looked at yourself- mmh fuck,” he moaned as your tongue came to lick a drop of pre cum that glistened at the tip of his cock. With his hand he grabbed the back of his head to anchor himself in the present as your mouth worked divinely over him.

His hips began to respond to your ministrations as he thrusted deeper “You're not talking so much now- gnn huh Y/n... mphf” his words were interwoven with moans and sounds of pleasure “Way too busy sucking my cock.”

But at that moment you stood up, his cock throbbed at the loss of contact then you pushed him more delicately to lay him down on one of the locker room benches. You quickly got rid of your bottom before straddling his hips and impaling yourself on his waiting member.

“Oh fuck,” you moaned, clenching your fists to his forearms.

His hands shot to your sides to hold you in place for a moment “Mmh good girl,” he knew that if you moved now he would cum right there and then “You're so tight-”

You wanted to push his buttons by undulating your hips but something told you that you would have other chances to do it to him in the future. So you waited until you were both used to each other before starting to move.

At that moment, if anyone walked into the dressing room, it wouldn't look like two rivals fucking, but two lovers making passionate love. Your head tilted back slightly, moving carefully over him, as he responded to each of your movements with a thrust of his own, causing his cock to slide gently in and out of you.

In a moment of confidence you reached for his mask, one of his hands caught yours before your eyes met. It had been years since he had decided to keep his face a secret, but right now he didn't know what had gotten into his head. You gently lowered his mask before leaning into him, your lips finally meeting in a fiery kiss, mingled with moans and breaths.

“I'm close,” you whispered against his lips, feeling your thighs beginning to tremble.

He held you a little closer “I'm right there too,” he replied before continuing to thrust, feeling your pussy tighten with each contraction that brought you closer to your orgasm. As you rode him your hips stuttered and finally you came, your body shuddering above his. That's all it took for him to feel the knot in his stomach burst. He gently pulled out where he jerked his cock a little before cumming, his seed pumped in long sticky white rope over his stomach and your lower belly. You fell back on top of him with fatigue and pleasure, he wrapped his arm around you, his fingers tracing patterns on your back.

“Remember that I hate you,” you whispered while peppering kisses on his chest.

“And I hate you too” he murmured, his lips pressing against your hairline. At this point you didn’t need words to express what you really both meant, your bodies did for you.

It was the first time for both of you, and far from the last. Your relationship at work, far from perfect, was much more relaxed. And as for the rest, let's just say that you see each other a lot more than before. Often at the end of a mission, before heading straight back to your village, the other would stay to spend a torrid night at the other's place. Even at events such as competitions or village days.

In truth, practically every time you met it ended up with him being buried deep inside you, or your mouth around his cock, or his tongue gliding over your glistening folds. His voice, hoarse with need, repeating you over and over again that you are his and no one else's. Even when you were away in each other's village but not paired together for the mission you would text each other - because yes he had given you his number and you had accepted - to find out when he could see you to fuck.

Let's just say that the numerous hickeys on your neck were still a real mystery to your friends back home in Sunagakure, because to them and everyone Kakashi and you were still enemies. Several times during your vacation you had sent him texts, asking him when he was free because you were on vacation and 2 days later - and this time right on time - you would see him on your doorstep, ready to fuck you for the weekend.

All in all, that famous Chūnin Selection Exams had been the beginning of a relationship between you and Kakashi that was far more powerful than you ever thought it could be. You were acutely aware of the warmth of his body against yours, and he was obsessed with the way his name slipped off your tongue when you moaned it. So far so good, and maybe soon you will tell him you decided he could come inside you if he pleased. Something was telling you he would be far from indifferent at this idea.

~

~

A/n 2 : Yes I forgot about about the ointment cream Y/n had to bring for Ryota 😂

[artsyjesseblue]

Slowly Going Mad - Part II - Honerva

Welcome to the second part of my Zarkon-Honerva-Lotor meta, focused on their gradual mental transitions along the show's timeline. Each of them are triggered by profound and very unique sets of reasons. (Here’s the link to the first part: Zarkon. Update: Lotor’s analysis is also complete.) My intention is to shine a light on the complexity of the characters and the depth of the scripts.

Just as in Zarkon’s analysis, there are two things to point out from the get-go:

1) Shiro’s statement: “Zarkon fell prey to his own evil instincts. The quintessence field didn’t create them, it revealed them.” - it basically casts the responsibility on the character, not on external factors, and that is an important point in my analysis.

2) The distinction between the entity and quintessence. The entity is a creature capable of magical stuff, whereas quintessence is a substance (highest known potency in the universe).

Honerva

Her story follows a bit of a more convoluted path. Similar to Zarkon’s, when we first meet her, she’s the High Priestess of the court, the absolute villain with frightening magical powers, capable of creating incredibly destructive machines and robeasts. Her mental transitions make a full 360 degree turn during the show, with ups and downs: 1) A rational, sane scientist. 2) Unstable Honerva, drifting into her research obsessions. 3) Haggar, completely disconnected from self for 10k years. 4) Slowly recovering old memories. 5) Post Oriande Honerva, obsessed with getting her son back. 6) Honerva completely rejected by her son - full madness again. 7) Newly awakened Honerva, ready to help restore all realities.

1) The rational scientist The oldest images of her actually date back from the time when she studied science classes along with Alfor - something shown in the last episode of the series, when Allura stirs up Honerva’s memories.

Chronologically, the next stop is during her time as a rift scientist, when Zarkon first meets her (S3E7). A young, cheerful, beautiful woman, elated about the idea of working on a science project that would revolutionize the entire universe.

2) Unstable Honerva Her passion for pushing the boundaries of science becomes her workaholic obsession, and for a large portion of her backstory, we mostly see her in front of her computer terminal, next to the rift gate. As Lotor later states, “The kinds of experiments she was conducting… she advanced science by eons.” Unfortunately, her passion - turned obsession - also becomes her downfall, just like the need for power destroyed Zarkon. She doesn’t even show up to congratulate Alfor on the birth of Allura. He seemed to have been a very good friend back in their school years. And when Alfor comes to visit her instead, she doesn’t lift her nose from her work, to look him in the eye. She is “working hard, as always,” as he notes. When he thanks her for Allura’s gift, she replies placidly: “It was a customary gesture.” Her distancing from the cordial relations with her friends are inversely proportional with her mania for science.

In fact, she declares that “we must always push into dangerous territory in pursuit of knowledge,” defying Alfor’s plea to exercise caution. Even after the “creatures” from the rift invade Daibazaal, forcing the Paladins to use Voltron to defend the planet, she still fearlessly pushes forward with her experiments.

Fast-forward into the future, Honerva becomes pregnant. As I mentioned during Zarkon’s backstory, her facial features have changed, her hair is white and her Altean cheek marks are now distorted (hint: the entity). After their lovely conversation about having a baby, dressed up in that loose poncho, she jumps back to her console and says: “There is much work to do. First, we must continue to harvest the quintessence. It will be needed for your son’s empire.”

Always about work. Always about her quintessence projects. And now, they both seem to have a higher purpose (or justification?) for their underlying obsessions: their heir. Notice how, even though the baby’s needs and mother’s health should take priority, she launches herself into more work. A mother (especially in the first trimester) is fatigued and needs rest. No, she continues with her rift project, exposing herself - and the baby - to the dangers of radiation, draining herself of energy, standing up long hours, focusing intensely on her project. And, although as a mother, one would want to balance work and personal health for the sake of the baby, she obviously tips the balance in one direction. When Alfor comes to visit, even though he cordially greets her, “Hello, Honerva. It’s been deca-phoebs,” we can see where her preoccupation lies: more work. Again, with her back at the king, she cynically welcomes him: “I hope you haven’t come to try to shut down my work.” Alfor traveled there out of concern for his friends. Due to the rift, the structural integrity of Daibazaal was weakening. Yet Zarkon’s power need and Honerva’s greed for more knowledge worked hand in hand - a self-destructive duo. As Zarkon bragged, Honerva’s team developed a space cruiser, five times the size of their largest ship - and that was nothing - meaning their arsenal of ships and weaponry was probably colossal. Instead of being received with joy, instead of giving him the wonderful news about having a baby, Alfor gets the cold shoulder. Nothing is uttered about having a child - in fact no one on Altea knew Honerva had a child until Allura found out directly from Lotor’s mouth, in Season 5. Instead, she condescendingly explains that “There is more hidden knowledge and power in this tiny fissure than you can possibly understand.” — And there they are - the two keywords: hidden knowledge and power! The two “evil instincts”, the weak spots that tore down this beautiful couple and the love for their son. Just as Daibazaal’s integrity is crumbling, this once strong family is now falling apart.

The scene with Kova follows right after this. I mentioned this in Zarkon’s analysis, but I’ll go over this again: notice king Alfor is visibly aged, while Zarkon continues to look young. Kova the cat shows up. As Honerva explains, the cat fell ill when the creatures attacked (!!), but she treated him with quintessence and Kova is now 28 deca-phoebs (~years) old. We are led to believe Zonerva’s longevity is due to the continuous supply with quintessence, but there is more at play here: the entity. Honerva says: “He [Kova] revealed the truth to us. Quintessence is so much more than you can understand. It is life itself.” Logical conclusion: entity + quintessence = life everlasting. (E + Q = L).

This is confirming to us, the audience, that Kova fell ill due to the entity, and Honerva explains that the quintessence treatment not only revived that cat, but expanded its life (indefinitely, as we know, since Kova is a character very much alive after 10k years). This is something that scares Alfor deeply, and Honerva finally turns around to face him, accusing him of being a coward. Her face… her face has changed - yes, her cheek marks look distorted, and Alfor notices right away with shock (parallel that to how Kova’s appearance has changed). Also, see how her hair is unkempt, unruly, she already has the appearance of a witch.

Preoccupied only with her quintessence obsession, she disregards her own self-care (not to mention - the baby!), and the climax of this madness comes right after Alfor leaves. Consumed with her own anger against the king (perhaps the anger fueled some sort of toxic reaction against that entity as well), she collapses on the floor. And there is no cure for this trance she’d fallen into, except… quintessence. Because Q is a fuel for life, and without it, the equation “E + Q = L” cannot be completed.

Here we are, revisiting the scene with the bedridden Honerva - looking visibly aged - hallucinating and trembling in bed, uttering disparate sentences about the immediate need for Q. Honerva: “We mu— We must… We must have… We must have it. Get back. Get back. Get back…” Zarkon: “What is it, my love?” Honerva: “Uh, quinte— quintessence. Quintessence is life. Into the— Into the rift.” Zarkon: “How?” Honerva: “We mu— We must— We must have Voltron. Voltron. Voltron! Voltron… It is the only way.” It pretty much seems like Honerva is not in control of her mind anymore in this scene. Eyes rolling, incoherent speaking, gasping for air, quivering, spastic muscles. And then she talks about herself with “we”. “We must have it.” Also… “Get back.” “Into the rift.”

Get back into the rift? But… had she ever been there so she could actually say she needed to “get back”? No. At that point Voltron had never been into the rift either. Who had been into the rift and came from there? The Entity. The Entity was the only one who had been into the rift. Who actually hailed from the rift. Logical conclusion: that was the entity speaking. The entity was desperate to get back into the rift to obtain more quintessence, because it was their food, their life. “It is the only way.” Of course it is the only way, because it follows the immutable rule of E + Q = L. You cannot obtain L (life) if you don’t add Q to E. The entity cannot survive without quintessence. The tragic fate of Honerva is, just as Zarkon’s, the complete loss of self to the entity.

3) Haggar - first madness When they wake up, after their “funeral”, they both have glowing purple eyes with motes of quintessence effusing from their orbits. She is shivering, and, unlike Zarkon, cannot remember who she is. Doctor Haggar tries to help her. Instead, she (or more likely the entity inside her) sucks out the life (quintessence) from the doctor, and, apparently, along with it, the doctor’s own consciousness, because Honerva calls herself “Haggar” after this. (Plus we know Honerva was trapping people’s minds in her own mind after killing them, because Allura discovered it during her trippy-trip inside Honerva’s consciousness.) And this is how the High Priestess Haggar is born. Ten thousand years of witchcraft follow, during which she expertly makes use of her powers and tech talents to syphon out quintessence from entire planets. But before she begins this long journey, she gives birth to Lotor. As doctors explain, it was “difficult, but successful.” Something that she also completely forgets. She rejects the little boy, maternal instinct abolished, her own self-awareness buried deep under the potent energies of the entity.

4) And then… very slowly (10k years slow)… her memories seem to come back. Bit by bit. The very first one comes during an interaction with teenage Lotor (S8E2). He wants to pet that curious-looking cat that is always around her. Out of some sort of (protective? motherly?) instinct, she tells him: “Do not touch him. He will hurt you.” Asked about the cat’s name, Haggar replies: “He has no name.” Isn’t it symbolic for how she basically lost her name, too? But then, suddenly, a flash of memory comes back. “Kova. His name is Kova.”

Her Altean instincts still subsist somewhere there. When Allura awakens on Arus in S1E1, she senses a resurgence of Altean energy. Many episodes later, when Lotor arrives at Galra central to relinquish power back to his father, she senses “a powerful energy on him,” “something ancient.” A major memory boost comes when she taps into Zarkon’s mind, to revive him (S3E7 “The Legend Begins”). She apologizes before she starts the process, which, yes, involves probing into his memories without his accord. Images of the past zoom through her vision: a Galra attack on Altea; the final fight with the Paladins; planet Daibazaal after and before destruction; then diving deeper back in time - images with the group of five Paladin friends peacefully gathered under their lions; a splendid wedding picture of her and Zarkon; the mighty comet at the crash site; and finally, a picture of her young self - a beautiful, radiant, exuberant Honerva.

She snaps out of her visions and notes, with a flat tone: “Husband. How could I have forgotten?” As probably many have noticed before, there is little emotional attachment in her demeanor. There is only one little glimmer in her reaction, right before Zarkon awakes. She says (and her voice doubles into both Honerva's and Haggar's): "You brought me back to life long ago. Now, come back for me." This is a powerful moment, which shows the beginning of her duality - Haggar and Honerva. But after this, we don’t see her being more affectionate towards her long-lost husband. Neither do we see any scenes in which she would acknowledge to him that she remembered her past. There is no grand reunion of the lost couple. Haggar continues being the placid witch, alongside her villain emperor, now fully armored in a quintessence-infused mega-suit. Some took this as a flaw in the show’s writing. I take it as a very coherent flow of her character’s arc. My wishful mind screams to see Honerva run back to her husband, rocking the walls of their dark magic cage, telling him: “Husband, I remember! We used to love each other, we were once good people!” But, realistically, that is not what an entity-possessed, quintessence-poisoned Haggar would suddenly do, would she? The fact that she is still very much under the dark spells prevents her natural instincts from manifesting. So the only thing she does is notice, coldly, as if someone else watches her life from afar. But not for long, as we’ll see.

In S4E3 “Black Site”, the episode starts with Haggar examining herself in a mirror, a reflection of Honerva instead. As she brushes her long, clawed purple fingers along the brown cheeks and chin, she notices the white cornea of her eyes and the presence of small irises. A very wistful music accompanies the scene (the very same soundtrack used in S8E2, where most of her tragic flashbacks will happen). Her expression is of utter shock, but also astonishment. The mirror motif appears frequently in madness arcs, as a means to show the disassociation between the two personas conflicting inside the character. Her sane persona begins to wake up and claim back her territory, and it is the very first time when we see her in a vulnerable state of mind. It’s the beginning of her reversion into Honerva. This state of mind is immediately suppressed once a Druid enters the room. Her harsh, sour expression and purple facial color immediately replace her Altean features, and the music shifts back to the ominous Zarkon theme.

As you’ll notice, Zarkon’s arc, compared to Honerva’s, is one of descent into the darkness (with a redemption late in S8), whereas Honerva’s is upwards - she gradually ascends towards recovering her memories and feelings. Immediately after, in the scene with the interrogation of Throk, Haggar says something that has multiple implications: “No one can completely wipe a memory away. There are always remnants deep within to claw out.” She clearly speaks from her own experience… as we just witnessed. Her memory is still there, remnants of it buried deep, waiting to be clawed out… Yet, with all their efforts, Throk’s specific memory of a particular event seems to be completely erased - courtesy of Narti’s work - but that belongs to a different meta. Not all of Honerva’s memories are back. She definitely doesn’t recognize Lotor is her son, and happily rats him out to Zarkon once she discovers he’s got his hands on a trans-reality comet. Her allegiance to the emperor is unshaken.

But here comes the next big blow to her fortress of multi-millennial oblivion. As she wallows in a pool of purple quintessence inside her space cruiser, she begins having visions again (S5E2 “Blood Duel”). It seems the dive into her memory reservoir is not without pain, as she releases a sharp scream before more echoes of the past start to surface… This time, they’re about Lotor. There is a crescendo of emotional intensity in these scenes, enhanced by the same nostalgic (almost elegiac) music that envelops her other flashbacks. Watching the tragic life of her lost son rewind in front of her eyes must have been truly heartbreaking. Her pained expression, the angst behind her glowing eyes, the eyebrows raised in incredulity and awe, but also imploring, begging to get back something she never had, her gasps in the darkness, in antithesis with the cute sounds of a cooing baby and then a giggling child, along with soul-stirring violins evolving into a more and more solemn hymn that will later accompany the most inspiring VLD moments with Lotor… these, all of these culminate with her regretful whisper, almost a question at the end, as she herself cannot believe this had actually been a living part of her life and she completely missed it: “My son… Lotor.”

I’m sure a lot of mothers watching this probably shed one or more (or a lot) of tears. How can you not? Honerva’s portrait grows more and more complex, while, sadly, her husband’s shrinks into the distorted image of a heartless monster. When she finds out Zarkon is on an exchange mission to retrieve Lotor, she immediately activates Operation Kuron Stage 4 - which, as we now know, used Shiro’s clone to spy on the Paladins (and her son). After Zarkon’s death, we were never shown any state funerals or Haggar mourning after him. Again, people would say this is a hole in the script. I would say this matters not for Honerva’s evolution. She clearly did not show emotional attachment to him before, so why would she now? The dark entity still has considerable hold of her consciousness, even though she does show empathy towards her son. But how much, actually? Well, it seems that operation Kuron is fully functional, since she is already able to watch Lotor planning to go to Kral Zera to get the throne. Again, she whispers wistfully “My son…” while her purple claw tries to possessively reach out and get him. There is a powerful symbolism here: the hand that extends out into the void - both to try to grasp him for herself (her selfish need towards her lost family) - and as a desperate gesture of reaching out from inside a dark place, reaching out into the light, to the only one who… can save her (which ties well with how the show was initially intended to end).

You’d think that a mother whose instincts have just awoken would want to see her son ascend to the throne… Instead, we see her summon Sendak, because “The Empire will only accept a ruler with Galra blood. It needs a natural-born leader, with an iron will to match his iron fist.” At Kral Zera, she actually insults Lotor in front of everyone and continues to twist the knife in that same spot where the prince has been teased about all his life: being biracial. Haggar: “Lotor, you cannot lead the Galra.” Lotor: “You think you can stop me, witch?” Haggar: “The blood that so bolsters your claim is also what quells it. You are not full-Galra. You are a half-breed. Your mother was Honerva.” It’s so mind-boggling that she is able to talk about herself as if it’s someone else. But if you get to think of it, she is still very much overpowered by the entity, which seems to speak instead of her. The snippets of her reawakening of consciousness were actually just that… Snippets. Which makes this scene even more tragic, knowing that she cannot fully connect with her son. This duality - two persons living inside a character - one belonging to the good/real side, the other one to an evil realm - this duality is characteristic of story arcs that revolve around the subject of madness. This paradoxical pairing of evil and good inside one person evolves via a gradual buildup. Usually, if it declines towards madness, there will be a buildup of negative energies and events. In Honerva’s case, it makes a sinusoidal arc - descending and ascending several times.

5) Post-Oriande Honerva Right after Allura and Lotor go through the Oriande trials, Haggar, who continued to spy through Shiro’s clone, sets a course to the same location. It seems that Shiro is telepathically linked to Haggar’s magic, because he starts having visions of her while she goes to Oriande and takes down the Sages. Notice that her cheek marks, although distorted, still glow at the entrance to Oriande - meaning she does have the marks of the chosen.

The fact that she is telepathically linked to clone-Shiro, I believe, proves that Haggar was using the entity in her clones as well, because that kind of telepathic link, as shown in S8, could only happen via the entity (Keith severs the link when he removes clone-Shiro’s robotic arm - which seemed to concentrate most of the purple energy). Oriande is a turning point in the High Priestess’s story. It is the moment of transition from witch Haggar to Honerva. Alas, not completely. The metamorphosis happens gradually, but now she is definitely more Honerva than Haggar. She’ll start thinking more and more as an Altean and as a mother. Of course, the entity is not gone (it also explains why she destroyed the Sages of Oriande). Which will maintain a significant layer of darkness over her judgement. And her witch-Haggar appearance will still coexist for a while with her newly recovered Altean countenance. Here comes S6E4 “The Colony”: Haggar/Honerva reaches into clone Shiro’s mind, rendering his consciousness inactive and fully turning on the entity-controlled subject. Notice how she retains her Haggar complexion:

In the next episode, S6E5, we discover that Haggar now has the ability to create wormholes. Allura wonders how… but we know. Because Haggar finally connected with her Altean capabilities. Which means, she is double-dangerous now. As a sorceress, and as an Altean. She can fully command her entity-possessed subjects, and she does so with Shiro’s clone, instructing him to lure Keith away. One very interesting scene in her arc is her encounter with Lotor and the way she addresses him while revealing she is his mother: Honerva (slowly taking off her priestess hood and turning around, fully showing her Altean visage; her voice trembles and sounds quite emotional): “Prince Lotor. My son.” Lotor has no reply, just a visibly vexed expression. Honerva: “The anger you feel toward me is to be expected. But understand that the events that transformed me into the witch Haggar also shrouded any glimmer of maternal instinct I may have had for my one and only child. However, you’ve continued the work I started all that time ago and have indeed seen it through to heights I could have only imagined. Your never-ending pursuit of knowledge is truly —” Lotor: “Enough. My mother ceased to exist when Honerva drew her last breath. Do not believe for a moment that I would ever accept you as a kin. You are an abomination. A twisted perversion of what was once so pure and beautiful. The end is near, witch. I know you can sense it. If you beg for your life now, maybe I will take pity on you when the time comes.” Honerva (frowning, visibly offended and pained by the rejection): “Take him away.” Acxa, after a short eye look exchange with Lotor, decides to actually aim at Honerva instead. The witch vanishes in a cloud of smoke.

Let’s unpack this heavy conversation, loaded with angst, with spite, with something that was supposed to be motherly affection. Honerva starts quite emotionally… From her voice, you can sense her tense expectation. She’s been waiting for this moment for a while, and ever since she traveled to Oriande, her Altean senses revived, she really is looking forward to reuniting with her lost son. But… there is a twist to her motherly wish…

This is her apology for ten thousand years of missing in action: “The anger you feel towards me is to be expected.” Um… No “I’m sorry”, no “please, forgive me”. Her voice is actually… quite emphatic and firm. No sense of remorse for her actions, no apologies for her mistakes. Neither does she take the responsibility, nor does she accept her guilt. Actually, she casts the blame on external factors: “the events” that caused her to become witch Haggar are supposed to be the cause. How about… apologizing for being obsessed about her scientific discoveries, to the point where she neglected everything else, including her unborn child’s needs? Also, notice her expression in the above screenshot: despite the pain in her eye squint, she looks rather arrogant. Well, that’s actually the big problem, and she still doesn’t see it. In fact, she applauds Lotor’s accomplishments, because he… “continued the work” that she started, in a “never ending pursuit of knowledge.” Again, these are her vulnerable spots - work and pursuit of knowledge. These blinding obsessions for something that she thinks is absolutely revolutionary and beneficial to the world, these are her downfall. She cannot see anything else, even after ten thousand years. In her own twisted world, these are the ultimate tools for good. Why did she pursue knowledge? Well, first off, out of pure passion - turned into obsession. She wanted to advance science. Secondly, to fulfill Zarkon’s need for power. In contrast, Lotor sought to unveil King Alfor’s knowledge in order to “better the Universe”, to bring peace and prosperity, to defend against the dark forces of his parents. There is a bit of a difference in their scopes, I’d say. This is what she doesn’t understand. And she will continue to misconstrue Lotor’s work and delude all the Alteans into her vengeful plans. Lotor is, unfortunately, right. She (still) is “a twisted perversion” of her original self. Which proves once more that Honerva’s dual personality pervades her newly displayed self. For the entirety of S7, we don’t see Honerva at all (except the caricature from the garfle-warfle episode “The Feud”).

In S8E2 “Shadows”, we get an avalanche of flashbacks - some recent, some very old, revolving around Honerva (not going to touch the subject of why these flashbacks should belong to S7 and not S8, as it’s been already discussed in other metas and reconstructions (especially the work of Team Purple Lion) in great detail. My focus is on her evolution overall, which is chronological, not based on episode order). The episode starts right where S6E5 left off… when Acxa shoots at Honerva, after Lotor’s tense conversation with her. Here, we finally find out where Honerva went after vanishing in a cloud of smoke. She’s back at the command of her cruiser. Her pained expression (after being rejected by her son) becomes stark. She pulls her hood back on and Haggar’s purple complexion and glowing eyes return, as she contacts commander Mar and orders him to track Lotor down. For a considerable amount of time, as the scenes suggest it, she’s searching for her son, who has disappeared. She finds out that commander Mar is also nowhere to be found, and we can see that her desperation grows. She’s hunting high and low for him, roaming the universe in her ship. Until she finds the wreckage of his cruiser, at Daibazaal (the location sort of doesn’t make sense, because the last place his cruiser has been seen abandoned, in S4E3, is nowhere near Daibazaal, but that belongs to a different discussion that pertains to the inter-dimensional meddling into S7-8). In his cruiser wreckage… there’s Kova. Which, once aboard Honerva’s ship, triggers more of her old memories (we already discussed them earlier - her past memories about her pregnancy and about Lotor). One of her loyal Druids tries to persuade her to take command of the empire, because “it has been phoebs [~months] since Emperor Lotor has disappeared. The empire is in a state of chaos.” Her response is rather surprising, but then again, Honerva has never been one to actually seek power. That was Zarkon’s obsession. She replies bluntly: “Tell them to look elsewhere. The Druids are but ash in the winds of infinity. Let them be led by someone of equal esteem. […] Depart my presence.”

Her focus is not ruling an empire at this moment. Her focus is finding her son. A motherly instinct, full of emotional resonance. Imagine that after ten thousand years, she is finally able to see her son through the eyes of the mother she was supposed to be. She is able to talk to him, express - in her own, still twisted way - her regret for not being beside him all this time. She finally meets him face to face, finally reveals herself to him… Only to have the rug pulled from underneath her… Not once, but twice. First, her own son rejects her. How painful that must have been!… And then… he completely disappears, along with her archenemy, Voltron, on whom she casts all blame, hatred and bitterness. How desperate must she be now, to find him, to get him back! Even after he rejected her, she still wants to reunite with him. Underneath all the dark magic and potent influence of the entity, she still finds the power to go past his wrath against her, because that’s what a mother does… But she has yet to see her own fault in this. She blames everyone else around but herself. There is this constant push and pull between the two personas inside her. She is aiming for the light, for finding her lost self, but her own weaknesses, which have been there since the beginning, prevent her from fully becoming what she once was. After retrieving commander Mar, who reveals what happened to Lotor and Voltron, she remarks in awe: “He pierced the veil.” When Mar says that “Lotor and Voltron perished”, her expression suddenly shifts to a terrified look, beads of sweat glinting on her cheek. “No! I must find him.” She summons the Kral Zera, but not to elect a new emperor. She wants to spew out all her rage and revenge on the Galra. By destroying them. Notice she changed her garments. She no longer wears Haggar’s cape. Now, she proudly dons an Altean outfit. Symbolic of her new persona.

This is her justification, standing in front of the Kral Zera flame: “This flame represents Lotor, son of Zarkon, prince turned emperor, emperor that pierced the veil. And my Altean blood coursed through his veins. But the Galra empire failed him. It was the Galra blood, deeply boiled in traditions of evil, that tainted him. Your ways weakened a god.” A Galra general pulls out his blade: “That treacherous witch!” Honerva: “The empire is weak. And now, I will end it.” Holding out her dark purple globe of magic energies, she melts away all the Galra generals in a monumental deathly spell.

*Quick pause in her analysis to point out something that the Paladins figured out in S8E10 “Knights of Light Part 2” while traveling inside her mind. While unveiling some of her old memories, they get to watch the very last moments from the lives of the original Paladins. It turns out that Zarkon was not the executioner. It was Honerva, who performed exactly the same magic as later at Kral Zera, spewing the purple energies out onto her enemies. And Pidge concludes: “That’s how the original Paladins ended up trapped in here. She took their quintessence, trapped their minds inside her consciousness.” And this explains exactly how she operates the dark entity, or, should I say, how the dark entity operates through her. The entity is constantly seeking for a source of energy, which is quintessence, or “life itself”. By draining the “life” out of others around her, Honerva was constantly feeding her entity. Bonus: she was trapping their consciousness inside her mind - which explains why the first one she trapped - doctor Haggar - became the name she adopted. Devoid of her own memories, she took the persona of the first being she absorbed. Also, notice her use of the entity in mind-controlling her subjects: clone Shiro, the Alteans on the colony, her attempts at controlling Allura after she takes the entity, as well as… robeast!Lotor.

Honerva is extremely mad at everyone that “tainted” her son. She blames the Galra blood, deeply boiled in traditions of evil, for weakening him. She not only throws the guilt at the empire, but she basically blames her husband for it. She proudly states that her Altean blood coursed through his veins, but the Galra blood threw a wrench in his destiny. This is a 180 degree shift from witch Haggar. Now, the Alteans are the saints, while the Galrans are the devils. Also, wow, she calls her son a “god”. Unfortunately, again, she fails to see her own mistakes in any of this. The next scenes in this episode are an interesting choice to juxtapose next to her vengeful actions. We’re seeing into her memories with child Lotor and the way Zarkon treats him, while she - as witch Haggar - watches impassively: Little Lotor: “Please, father, I must know where I come from.” Zarkon: “I said enough!” Then turning to Dayak: “If you do not remove his impurities, then I will find a Dayak that can.” Dayak: “He will be punished accordingly. We will sear him down to his inner fire so that he may burn the universe. Vrepit Sa!” The inscrutable visage of Haggar slowly transitions to present-time Honerva and we see the sorrow in her gaze. Sorrow for not being there to protect her little child, empathy for his innocent suffering and grief for what he had to go through. There are several of these transitions from Haggar to Honerva throughout the show. They hint at her physical metamorphosis but also, more importantly, they suggest her mental journey, her slow awakening to that initial persona, buried deep beneath, the resurgence of her emotions.

Although many of us may regard Dayak dearly due to other, more comedic interactions in the show, the fact that she needs to “sear Lotor down” tells a lot about the kind of trauma this little kid had to go through. It’s what makes present-day Honerva so angry at the Galra: these “traditions of evil” that tainted her little boy… She is now driven by revenge, against anyone that, according to her newly formed world views, is standing in the way of her grand plans. Yet she still doesn’t know her son’s whereabouts, still searching for him across the galaxies. As her cruiser hovers around Daibazaal once more, she decides on what looks like another one of her sacrificial rites… this time on Kova the cat. It seems like this is a last resort in her frantic attempt to find her son.

This pet had been around for ten thousand years and we can see Honerva’s attachment to him from the way she holds him to her chest, before setting him down on the altar of sacrifice. She is willing to lose him to get her son back. And apparently, Kova possesses more knowledge about the prince than expected. We know the cat also has the entity within. As I’ll discuss when looking at Lotor’s arc, I’m convinced he had it as well. The link that the entity formed with him was strong, because the cat was in his possession since childhood. Motes of purple quintessence rise from the floor all around, while Kova meows in distress.

The suspenseful music converges in a dramatic flow of celestial sounds and Honerva starts her dive into the depths of Lotor’s past. A tragic crescendo of flashbacks starts pouring, and Honerva finally knows where to find him: in the rift.

She wakes up again next to her altar, Kova completely gone, a few motes of purple quintessence still floating through the air. Perhaps as an homage to the defunct cat, the next scene brings more memories of little Lotor, back when he started his friendship with Kova. And right after this, we see Honerva traveling to the hidden Altean colony planet. Just a quick reminder - these scenes from S8E2 actually take place in S7, but they have been inserted in S8 as flashbacks. In S7E5, when the newly rescued Kolivan tells the Paladins that he sent a team to the Quantum Abyss and he didn’t find any Alteans - “just an empty facility”, that happens after Honerva had already been there and scooped them out for her own plans.

This is an important point of inflection in Honerva’s arc, because finding out that her son has died creates a powerful motivator in her actions and this motivator is called grief. Her world has been shattered by this devastating news. A mother that has just been awoken from 10k years of self-unawareness tries to reconnect with her one and only son, only to lose him to such a tragic death. A character put in this kind of situation would want to fix the world, in order to bring things back as they were (she will want to resurrect him, as we’ll see), and/or get back at the enemies who did this (she will want revenge on Voltron). And Honerva decides on both.

Her speech in front of the Alteans tells us only a part of what her new beliefs and plans are. Honerva: “Lotor is gone.” Merla: “How did he die?” Honerva: “Voltron. To all of you who believed in my son so justly, your faith will be rewarded. I have come here today to continue my son’s mission. And for that, I need you all.” Luca: “We are your humble servants, as will be the members of our sister colony once we inform them of the news. Do you know of their whereabouts?” Honerva: “Unfortunately, they have also fallen to the evils of Voltron. Voltron and the Galra will pay for what they have done. With your help, I will resurrect my son’s dream.” Merla: “We pledge our allegiance to you, Honerva, mother of Lotor.”

So she wants to “continue” her son’s mission. After linking with him through Kova, she got a comprehensive view into Lotor’s life, so she (allegedly) knows what his intentions are. Based on what she will say in the next episodes, and also based on what Lotor uttered in S6 while fighting Voltron, it all seems to boil down to creating a “new Altea”, one that can rule the universe and reverse the evils of the Galra (one in which Honerva wants revenge on anyone she considers her enemy). Which… unfortunately sounds a lot like the alternate reality where the Paladins traveled in S3E4 “Hole in the Sky” (Yes, the one with Sven and the other Slav, where the Alteans are turning everyone that stands against them into “non-cogs”. The one where Allura concluded: “That is exactly why my father sent the Lions away so many years ago. To avoid this reality.”) But was this really Lotor’s initial plan with Altea? I’ll discuss more when I’ll get to his meta. An interesting detail is the mention of the “sister colony”, where Honerva casts the blame on Voltron for their death. Which we know is not true. This so-called canon pours all guilt on evil!Lotor. But was it really his doing? The garfle-warfled S8 that we got (thanks to Bob!akaWEP) left a lot of loose ends. In any case, she wants to use the Alteans to “resurrect” her son’s dream. In fact, she actually doesn’t only look for a revival of his dream, she intends to literally resurrect him. And she does tell the Alteans that she intends so, because Merla confirms it in a conversation with her at Oriande: Honerva, overlooking the magical landscape of Oriande: “This ancient land was created through powerful magic. Alteans would travel here to learn the secrets of our race. We have a long and difficult road ahead of us, but our path is true.” Merla: “We will do anything to bring Lotor back.” Honerva: “I know.” This little snippet of conversation with Honerva, as well as the previous one, shows the level of devotion these Alteans have, towards Lotor, towards his mother. They are willing to go above and beyond for him, and this is an incredibly powerful description of their community. But, as Allura noted when discussing about the acolyte Luca, “If she were so desperate for something to believe in, it may have made her susceptible to being manipulated.”

The next scenes depict the mega-lab that Honerva created inside Oriande, where she melts the statues of the Sages in order to build her Komar mechas. Here we find out something that S7 teased us about, in the last episode: the Komar machines that Honerva built have an Altean inside them, an Altean that is used as “its power source” (direct quote from commander Holt). A battery source? (clears throat - certain VAs spoke about Lotor using Alteans as “batteries”. Well… Honerva is “continuing [her] son’s mission”. But how much is she continuing, and how much is she actually altering for her own agenda?) She asks Merla: “Find me the most faithful amongst us.” So the mech pilots are the most zealous believers, which… yes, it makes them susceptible to being manipulated. After the tragic flashback scenes with Lotor and Ven’tar’s planet (where, again, we see Haggar exerting her abominable sorcery upon her own son), we switch back to Honerva (disguised as Haggar) receiving news from Sendak: the Lions have returned. She commands him to destroy them. Immediately after, she activates the first Komar mecha, piloted by the most faithful acolyte, Luca. Her words towards the Alteans clearly speak of her vengeful intentions: Luca: “Voltron will pay for what they have done.” Honerva: “May the light guide you. Rise and avenge my son.” Chronologically, after these scenes, the order of events belongs to S7 E7-13: Earth versus Sendak, then Luca’s Komar mech attack, defeat and capture. After a few episodes in S8 in which we find out that Honerva has been pumping more of these Komar mechs across the universe, while also destroying the Olkari planet in order to get their cubes, we have another view of Honerva at the Oriande pyramid, addressing her Altean people before she begins her mega-magical ceremony:

“For eons, our people have suffered, cast out from our home, driven mad by the cursed Galra. We have sacrificed much. You have sacrificed much. But Lotor gave more than any of us. And today, his ultimate wish will be fulfilled. The Galra will pay for what they have done to the Alteans. The end for anyone who dares oppose us is near. It is time to begin. May Lotor’s light guide you.” Hmmm… “driven mad”…? Then she adds: “But Lotor gave more than any of us.” “Lotor’s light”… I keep hearing Honerva talking about it. Does it have anything to do with… the “enlightenment”? (aka the “wisdom about the quintessence and the entity”, as mentioned by Honerva in her youth). Also, here it is, again, her vengeful stance: “The end for anyone who dares oppose us is near.” A very absolutist declaration. Politically, although anti-Galra, it actually mirrors their doctrine. So, if the universe were to be ruled by this new Altean order, what difference would it make from the previous oppressors? Now, do you see the purpose of the alternate reality episode? Also, Honerva makes use of her Komar mechs to syphon out quintessence from entire planets (while Matt and the Coalition struggle to save all the planet inhabitants), in order to gain galactic proportion energies for her Oriande magic. These are not even Galra, they’re innocent people, caught in the midst of this war, but according to Honerva’s twisted logic (which the Altean acolytes follow blindly), she can sacrifice anything and anyone in order to bring her son back.

A comment on Honerva’s statement regarding Lotor: “Today, his ultimate wish will be fulfilled. The Galra will pay for what they have done to the Alteans.” So, her opinion is that Lotor’s ultimate wish was to make the Galra pay for the genocide against the Alteans. Which, since she connected with him via Kova, means that she inferred it from his final words uttered at the rift battle with Voltron: “I’m ready to wipe the Universe clean of all my enemies: Voltron, Haggar and the rest of the Galra.” What she fails to recognize is that Lotor uttered those pronouncements in an unfortunate state of mental breakdown (“driven mad”). Nothing prior to that indicated that he ever intended to end the Galra. On the contrary, he told Allura that he wants to return the Galra Empire to a “bygone era of peace. […] This isn’t a zero-sum game. Meeting the needs of the Galra Empire means bringing peace to the universe.” Also, he stated that he does not want to make use of the “barbarism of the Komar.” Well, Honerva clearly still does. So much for Honerva walking in the footsteps of her son… And I shall return to this controversial subject when analyzing Lotor’s story, which is the most nuanced of all, precisely because of the suffering he’d been through, precisely because “he gave more than any of [them]”.

During the battle at Oriande, we have a one-on-one encounter between Allura and Honerva. I’ll discuss more about Sincline’s reaction to seeing Allura during Lotor’s arc, but just note that the mech prepares its aim then lowers the weapon at her sight. Lance attacks him to protect Allura, only to be pushed away by a Komar robot. The Altean quickly becomes a casualty of Sincline’s seemingly indiscriminate violence. As Lotor’s mech swings its blade at the Red Lion, Honerva commands: “Still.” Sincline complies, as if remote-controlled. Concomitantly, Allura plunges at Honerva with her bayard, only to be pulled into a dark space where the two of them will have a captivating chat, suspended in time. Honerva: “Altea’s wayward daughter.” Allura: “Don’t you dare mention Altea to me.” Honerva: “This is just the beginning. Join me and our people. Together, we will go back to Altea.” Allura: “We cannot go back. It is destroyed because of you.” Honerva: “Think of your father. I knew Alfor well. This is what he would have wanted. Join me and the Alteans.” Allura: “Never! You cannot keep me here forever. And the moment you release your hold, I will end you. Honerva, holding a sphere of purple magic, depicting Sincline in frozen-motion: “Then you will end your friends as well. I am the only thing keeping my son at bay. Join the right side of this war.”

As we’ve been shown across the many episodes, Honerva frequently makes use of that purple sphere. If you haven’t guessed yet what it is, let me remind you: [the power of] the entity (the entity itself is spherical and purple, as Allura will discover in the episode “Clear Day” S8E8). Honerva actually makes double-use of the entity in the same scene: she’s “keeping her son at bay”, and she’s also holding Allura trapped in that dark place, where they have the little conversation.

A few things worthy of analyzing in Honerva’s current state of mind:

She actually wants Allura to join her quest. The one that has been her enemy for so long, the princess she hated with all her might, yet Honerva wants her as an ally… Why? Well, first off, most likely because she is Altean, and now the newly awakened Altean Honerva wants to recruit every kin possible. Secondly, most likely because she values Allura’s immense powers. Together with her, they’d be invincible. I don’t believe Honerva has any emotional attachment to her; it’s purely a tactical decision.

Honerva wants to resurrect Lotor, not just bring an entity-possessed son back from the rift. She knows Allura has the real Oriande knowledge. (Speculation, but…) maybe gaining Allura as an ally will help her fully resurrect her son…?

She blackmails Allura so she can force her to join her side of war. Which, again, proves my point, that Honerva has no feelings towards the “wayward daughter of Altea” (actually note the snarky tone), and she uses any means to achieve her scope.

She believes she knows what Alfor would have wanted. Allura already explained to us that Alfor wanted to avoid this kind of reality, so we know Honerva is on the wrong side.

She is keeping her son at bay. Well, well. Logical conclusion: her son IS in there. She uses her entity powers to remote-control him just like she does with all the Alteans piloting the Komar mechs when she telepathically links with them. This, right here, blatantly contradicts S8's official stance, that Lotor was dead.

Some of you might say: yes, but the Komar pilots also have free will, they are still conscious of their actions, they are able to speak freely and express their thoughts and concerns (as we see Merla do, noticing “something’s wrong with Lotor”). You might say the mad!Lotor inside Sincline is something completely different: a being devoid of consciousness, indiscriminately violent, fully on remote-control (psst: except when pointing the gun at Allura). Taking a deep breath... Well. What did I just talk about all along this meta, and during the full length of Zarkon’s meta? What is the title of these essays? “Slowly going mad.” The entity’s takeover happens as a GRADUAL progression towards complete disconnect from self. Zarkon and Honerva prove it to us during their arcs: the entity does not take full control of someone’s consciousness right off the bat. It takes time, years actually. We know the Komar pilots were possessed by the entity because we have the example of Tavo. Honerva exerts bursts of remote-controlling over them, when they do become, temporarily, completely someone else. In time, they would have turned out exactly like Zarkon and Honerva. That is my analytical take on how the writers built the entity’s behavior, based on examples that clearly demonstrate that. Which, again, logical deduction, means that Lotor right now is at the far end of the spectrum - fully gone mad, fully possessed by the entity. And I’ll come back to that during his analysis.

No mother would want to have her child perpetually in this state. And I’ll further suggest that she wanted and intended to wake him up, with examples. Examples which, unfortunately, due to the garfle-warfled S8, made little sense in the context in which they were placed. I’ll put the next few paragraphs under an indented format, because they’re more ‘speculative’ in nature, due to the aforementioned scramble-warfle.

S8E11 “Uncharted Regions” is probably the most scrambled of all, as many others noted before me. It seems to be an episode patched up with scenes from different other (chopped out) episodes. In any case Honerva suddenly wakes up after Allura traveled inside her mind.

She then goes to the bridge of her pyramid-ship and orders her Altean pilots: “Exit at coordinates beta-four-ex-seven. The Paladins are aware of our plans.” Merla asks: “Is that a problem?” Honerva: “No, it’s an advantage.” We’ve heard Lotor utter a similar phrase when cunningly using Voltron to retrieve the trans-reality comet. What advantage is Honerva seeking to gain? Was it just to use the powers of Atlas’s crystal and the Balmeras? I suspect it actually had to do with using Allura’s powers to wake up her son. Which we never got in this S8 edition. But we witnessed other little details: During their trip inside her mind (S8E9) the Paladins see a glimpse of how Honerva interacts with her son (all throughout S8, we are led to believe he is deceased - because we see what appears to be a cORpSe, but there are motes of purple quintessence rising from his body - similar to how Honerva and Zarkon wake up after being ‘resurrected’ by the entity. Also, logical questions: 1) why would she talk to a dead body and 2) why would she even carry around a corpse inside a mech robot while fighting the Paladins? I don’t believe a kids’ show would employ such an insane, horriffic, mind-twisting scenario, and, again I posit that this is a butchered version of the #realS8).

Pay attention to what she tells him, face to face (while he supposedly is dead): “Lotor. We’ll all be together soon.” Again, in S8E11, Honerva facing Sincline: “We will be back on Altea soon, my son.”

The intent is to show us that Honerva wants to get him “back”, to be “together” with him, in the environment in which she grew up, her perfect version of an Altean reality. She desperately yearns for a normal family, just like they unveiled during the trip in her mind. Her deepest desire is to have what she never experienced: family love, connection to her son, to a caring husband. Which means she wants to bring Lotor again to a normal, sane being, one with which she can communicate and share her emotions and thoughts. But she cannot do that anymore, can she? Because the only place where she could have done that, the place that helped her recover her own memories and (partially) her sensibility, Oriande, is gone. She destroyed the guardian Lion, she took away the quintessence from the Sages, she melted their statues. All the magic of Oriande is gone. But there is ONE more person left in the Universe that retains the wisdom of Oriande. One person who can probably resurrect Lotor. And that is Allura. (she’d done it with Shiro, hadn’t she?). Which, once more, proves my point that Lotor is actually there, alive (albeit fully possessed by the entity), his consciousness buried deep, deep under (and only Allura can trigger a small flicker of it), tragically resembling his father Zarkon, fully collapsed into madness (for completely different reasons, but we’ll get to that in his own meta). And (speculating - yes, I know) Honerva bets on Allura’s “life giving” powers (“Alteans are life-givers”) to bring him back for her.

Here are some extra snippets of how Honerva interacts with Merla and the other altean acolytes. Note how the order of events makes no sense chronologically: Beginning of E11, Honerva tells her Alteans to set a course to beta-four-ex-seven. Once there, she pulls up her own mech and starts sorting through all realities, using her purple-winged rosette. Nothing major happens there, just some of her robeasts eliminate a few Coalition scouts. Next, she orders Merla, while inside her mech:

Honerva: “Preparations are complete. Set a course for Altea. It’s time” (wait, set another course? She just made a pit stop to sift through a few realities and then off they go again?) Just a bit later, when Allura wakes up, Honerva is suddenly not in her mech anymore (why?):

Honerva: “The princess has awakened.” The next scene we see her in, she’s back in her mech again (huh?), the Sincline is next to her robot, and she’s about to fuse them together.

Then, she uses her telepathic powers via the entity to summon her Altean acolytes on Atlas (Allura is caught in the midst of it, debilitating headache preventing her from operating the teludav): Honerva: “Arise, my children. The time has come to act. Repent for your traitorous ways. Lend me your quintessence and all will be forgiven. […] Deliver me the power I need to return to our homeland. Give your energy along with the ship’s crystal. All of it.” Merla: “My people. Honerva, transferring that much energy will destroy them!” Honerva: “Their lives will be sacrificed for their savior.”

Merla interrupts the process, turning against Honerva. Later, she tries to directly attack Honerva, but - as implied from the animation of Merla's (clearly) exploding mech - Honerva kills her:

Paradoxically, we see Merla again in the next episode, asking the paladins not to harm her fellow acolytes - the subtitles confirm it’s Merla - and she pilots her Komar mech… um, again. Did she just, like, survive the explosion then just go grab another robot? (which, no surprise here, is another proof of the S8 garfle-warfle).

Anyway, apologies for the detour, let’s return to analyzing Honerva: She is willing to sacrifice anyone, including Alteans, to reach her goals. As we see from her facial expressions, although not Haggar anymore, she is basically back to her state of madness. But why is she so mad? She looked more calm and confident at the beginning of the episode. After all, didn’t she just bring her son back from the rift? Is it just her frustration against the annoying Voltron? Or is it more at stake here?

Speculating once more - I infer that she reverted to a high level of mental instability after Allura presumably saved Lotor, because the newly awakened son most likely rejected her… again. Deeply hurt by his refusal to accept her as his mother after she worked so hard to bring him back from the rift, she furiously decides to check out other realities and find her version of Lotor that would fit her selfish needs. So she sets her eyes on a reality where Lotor is an orphan child, because he’d be naive enough to believe she’s the good mother. This would infuse more tension buildup into her arc, creating an even more credible trajectory towards full-blown madness. Also, let's give this a logical spin: let's do a reductio ad absurdum. Why would Honerva rescue Lotor from the rift then completely abandon him (knowing that he IS in there, possessed by the entity) to go search for a child-Lotor in another reality?? It makes no sense.

6) Complete rejection But, surprise… Little boy Lotor is just as intelligent as his adult version: “She’s not my mother.” Honerva tries to plea with him, but eventually, the suppressed anger and madness that she tries so hard to mask does come out. She demands with a harsh tone: “Come to me.” And Lotor denies her again, with the same stark voice. “No. My mother is dead. And you cannot replace her.” This, this is the last straw that breaks the dam. She collapses into an unleashed mental breakdown: “[…] I’ve spent lifetimes trying to get back. Countless worlds have fallen in the wake of my effort to return to you. And this is how you welcome me? My own child, my own husband question who I am? I have sacrificed more than you will ever know! […] If there is no place in this universe for me, then there will be no universe at all.”

Honerva dramatically reverts to her state of insanity, this time amplified to multiverse proportions. The buildup of emotional distress she goes through ultimately collapses into this apocalyptical unleash. Her son’s rejection across realities is… world-shattering for her already fragile state of mind. If no one loves her, then everyone should perish. This extremist vision, completely disconnected from reality, devoid of empathy, filled with unrestrained violence and rage, is typical of what we simply define in lay terms in stories as madness - the kind of madness that is violent, completely devoid of any rational behavior (clinical definitions encompass a wide range of mental and psychotic disorders and I shall leave the exact diagnosis to experts). This climactic point of madness in her arc happens in an episode called “The Zenith” - or a “high point”, the time when someone is most powerful. She reached the “zenith” of her madness… She breaks the dam of mental disarray, letting herself completely go on the other side. Disconnected from from herself and from all realities, she intends to obliterate all of them - and her own life - in the process. It parallels what happened to Lotor in S6.

7) Redemption The last episode brings the Paladins face-to-face with Honerva, in the Connected Consciousness, after she scorches all realities in her wake. The Paladins give Honerva a moralizing discourse, trying to convince her that everyone deserves to live. She bluntly dismisses them: “You think your words mean anything to me? I’ve lived multiple lifetimes, and all of them filled with pain and loss. If I cannot experience the simple joys of life, why should anyone else?” Translation: If nobody gives me what I want, then screw you all. But then Allura approaches her and does a mind meld (remember the tempestuous mind meld with Zarkon? Well, this one’s more peaceful, actually suspiciously peaceful). She reminds her of her past life: “There was a time when you loved more than just your family, a time when your fascination with how vast the universe is gave way to your desire to help and uplift others.” Honerva’s distorted cheek marks suddenly reshape into their original Altean form. A short recap of Lotor’s life ensues, and Honerva bitterly concludes: “He deserved better. Better than I could give.” She weeps sincerely when Allura asks her to change everything back. “I’m sorry… but the damage is done. There’s nothing left to save.”

Although the scene is emotional and uplifting, I believe it lacks the buildup and intensity needed for a redemption of this magnitude. And that is because…

There has been much discussion around the edits made in these last scenes, including my own analysis - here and here. A recent tweet (2023) suggesting Shiro was drawn over Lotor in this last scene - liked and shared by Shiro’s VA - also sparked more interest in this subject. My opinion is that Lotor was drawn over with multiple characters, depending on the scene. They used Shiro, they also used Allura, and who knows who else. S8 was profoundly altered, the original message erased… Starting from that premise, here’s what I think really happened in this scene, which would have elevated the last part of the show to a truly remarkable ending: instead of Allura, it was Lotor who revived Honerva’s consciousness, as a follow up on what Lotor told her in their interaction in S6: “[…] maybe I will take pity on you when the time comes”. It would mean the ultimate family reunion and both son and mother would heal their multi-millennial wounds. Because, like I said, this mind meld looked suspiciously peaceful coming right after Allura and Honerva had fought a trans-reality life-and-death battle. Honerva allowing Allura’s hands over her head feels a bit unrealistic, but if Lotor were the one approaching her, the mother would be more receptive. This is speculative, of course. But keep in mind more and more evidence has started to emerge, supporting this version. And I’ll discuss more about this during Lotor’s analysis.

No matter, this ending that we got still partially preserves the original intent for Honerva, which was forgiveness, redemption through her own participation in the salvation of all realities.

Honerva finally reverts to her original self and the beautiful story arc closes.

A more complex arc than Zarkon’s, for sure (this took 3 times as many pages). Complex, interesting, diving into subjects such as ambitions versus obsessions, mental illness, motherhood, love, various emotional stages and subtle transitions, suppressed feelings, tension and accumulation of negative emotions, culminating with mental breakdown. And let’s not forget the artistry of Studio Mir in rendering the vast array of facial expressions, and the VA’s exceptional job with Honerva’s nuanced script.

Many of these nuanced emotional transitions will be found again in Lotor’s analysis, although effected by completely different reasons.

Thanks for taking the time to read this long, long analysis. Thoughts and opinions are always welcome!

[403tarot]

⫬ ⫬ ⊹ . . . SPECIAL MESSAGE FROM YOUR SPIRIT GUIDE — WHAT DO YOU NEED NOW?

hello! today i offer a post about a very important subject: spirituality. take what resonates with you and leave the rest. close your eyes and take a deep breath to choose the pic that calls you the most. feedbacks make duckie really happy <3

PICK A POCHACCO!

IF YOU CHOSE POCHACCO 1 ...

Your personality today is the result of a mix of unique experiences. Life hasn't always been kind to you, and that has directly influenced how you perceive the world and interact with people around you, which may have caused some important aspects of your character to retreat. Nevertheless, lately, you've been actively seeking to rediscover yourself and recover from the damages of your past.

Ah, the past. When you were going through such a delicate moment and felt your heart burdened with sadness, perhaps no one extended a hand to help you stand up. Although it was painful, you can't let those wounds keep bleeding and staining your path going forward. It's time to put a stop to that.

Your subconscious is actively working to help you find emotional balance in your life again. Problems, fears, and anxieties can't prevent the blessings destined for you from coming your way. You have a strong spiritual protection that never leaves you alone, and it calls for your success and peace.

Prioritizing yourself is essential in this new stage of your life. Know that not everyone will understand your actions — they might call you selfish, distance themselves from you, or say that you've changed. But you must stay strong; taking care of yourself is not a selfish act, but an altruistic one: by tending to your needs and reaching your goals, you become a better person and an inspiration for others to pursue their own happiness.

DIRECT MESSAGE FROM YOUR SPIRIT GUIDE:

ROSEMARY — PURITY, HEAL, REMEMBER

When rosemary comes into your reading, it's time to cleanse and purify. Don't hold onto things or people that aren't beneficial to you or your path. Let go and rid yourself of unnecessary energies. Be wise and take note of what you are purifying and why. This insight can help you continue to grow. Repeat to yourself:

" I remember, I cleanse and I heal"

cards pulled: the high priestess & the empress | ace of cups & 5 of pents | 6 of pents & knight of swords | 5 of wands, the moon & queen of swords | rosemary

IF YOU CHOSE POCHACCO 2 ...

What is draining your energy and willingness to move forward? The burden on your shoulders has always been heavy, but still, you persisted and remained strong. The stones on your path, no matter how heavy they may seem, cannot gain enough strength to prevent you from reaching what you desire. It's time to look back, see the entire journey you've already traveled, and allow yourself to be proud of things you achieved til now.

Your peace has been disturbed. It seems you can never stay stable for long, and just when you think things will improve, something appears to trap you in anxieties again. You wonder, "If there really is something or someone divine regulating all things, why does the scale of justice never seem to tip in my favor?"

I know you've been trying hard and would like an immediate return, but unfortunately, that's not how things work. Your heart needs to calm down and accept that not everything will always be rosy because life is built on ups and downs. It's necessary to see things from another angle and distance yourself from negative energies as soon as possible, as they will only drag you down further.

Everything you want and desire will be within your reach because nothing beneath the sky is impossible. You have everything to achieve happiness, even though you often forget that. Confront your negative emotions and free yourself from what troubles you. Scream into your pillow, cry, release it all. You are always so kind and understanding with other people's problems... why aren't you the same with your own problems too?

DIRECT MESSAGE FROM YOUR SPIRIT GUIDE:

SPILLED SALT — RELEASE, CONFRONT

If spilled salt shows up in your reading, it's telling you to be aware of the evils that maybe trying to creep in your life. Take time to confront this issue or person. Don't allow yourself to be held down to people or things that are not beneficial to you. Take control, confront and release these energies from your life. Make a wise wish and repeat to yourself:

"Blessed be"

cards pulled: strength, 10 of swords & knight of wands | 2 of wands, 4 of wands & justice | the hanged man, 10 of cups & 6 of wands | the devil, the magician & queen of cups | spilled salt

IF YOU CHOSE POCHACCO 3 ...

You are insatiable with your goals. Your desire to grow, evolve, and achieve shows that you have been striving to present a better version of yourself. However, excessive self-demand and perfectionism may be disturbing your mind too much and, worse, hindering your climb to the top.

You often lament, "I could have done things differently," "I didn't do enough," "I wish I could go back in time to start over and try harder," ignoring the fact that everything you've achieved today is the result of your own merit. You did exactly what you should have done and undoubtedly gave your best within what was possible at that moment. Keep moving forward. Strive to make the future better. Don't wait until next Monday... start taking action now.

Accept and understand that you are the one responsible for the good things in your life. Treat yourself and what you have with more kindness! Instead of always thinking about what you can achieve in the future, look at what you have now. Don't become obsessed with what the next days, months, or years hold for you. Live in the present. What is meant for you will never escape you and will come at the right time.

You have been dedicated to being on the right path, and that way, you have a bright future. Nevertheless, it's necessary for you to still celebrate the little things happening in your life today. They might not be as grand as what you aspire for your future, but they are still important and part of who you are. When was the last time you took some time for yourself? When was the last time you wore your favorite pajamas, ate popcorn, and watched your favorite series without worrying about the anxiety that thinking about the future brings? Reconnect with your inner child who was delighted with a simple bag of candies (even if they were mostly bad). Sometimes, all we need is a bit of simplicity.

DIRECT MESSAGE FROM YOUR SPIRIT GUIDE

EARTH ELEMENT — GROUNDING, SURVIVAL

The element of earth invites you to slow down. With earth comes bring stability and growth. Earth can also bring light to your current work and money energy. When this card shows up in a reading, ground yourself, connect with Mother Nature and take into consideration the material aspects of your life. Connect with her nurturing energy. Earth is here to support you in all that you do. It's time to grow. Repeat to yourself:

"I grow with the earth"

cards pulled: 8 of wands, 9 of cups & knight of swords | 10 of pents, 3 of swords & temperance | 4 of cups, knight of cups & the devil | king of wands, 3 of wands & page of cups | earth element

deck used: rider waite-smith & inner witch oracle

you can book a reading with me!

• twin flame / soulmate - $18 • future spouse (+18) - $25

• spiritual advice - $15 • one question - $3.50

dm me if you're interested or want to know more of my methods <3

check my pinned to find out more of my free PAC readings!

[houpss]

𝐃𝐎𝐎𝐌𝐄𝐃

Peiring:: Bang Chan x Hwang Lily (You/Y/n)

!this has nothing to do with real people, only their character and appearance are taken from them, everything that is written is fiction and will never be reality!

complete angst, tears, pain, disappointment, cuts, detailed description. Narration from Lily's point of view (she takes Y/n's place because it's much more convenient to write this way, don't attack me 🙏🏻🙏🏻)

Word count: 3,0K

He did not come again, although he promised so many times.Why didn't Chan come again?Again, again and again. It hurts. Why is he never around when you need him so much...why is he treated so badly, why have you always supported him, you've always been there, even before his debut...You were there at the turning points of Stray Kids and you were there when their popularity skyrocketed, but Chan couldn't say the same. Is it so stupid, maybe? He missed your solo debut, missed your first appearance on the podium, it was so painful. You needed him, you needed his warm smile and a few words of support, but where is he?Every time he fed you promises, every time he wrote short messages: "I'll be there," but never once did you see him in the audience, never once did you hear him talk about your performances.

(08.09.2023) You came home late again, it's Friday night, you were extremely tired and could only hope that Chan was already home. But your apartment with him is so dark and empty. It's so cold in here. You sigh heavily and go into the kitchen, turning on the light there. There was always a huge bouquet of your favorite flowers waiting for you in the kitchen. You're sick of them already.You don't like Lilies anymore.He always gave Lilies. You can feel his perfume around the bouquet, inhaling it with your full chest and deftly take your phone out of the pocket of knee length denim shorts. Suddenly, your hands are shaking, and nausea rises in your throat, you haven't eaten all day because you were invited as a guest to a fashionable event, you were there with Felix, who drove you to your apartment with Chan and brought you right to the apartment door, you were very grateful to Lix for the care. You start texting Chan without thinking:

Lily:Where are you? (10:36 pm)

My Channie❤️‍🩹:At work, Lily, I'm almost always at work! (11:09 pm)

Lily: Today is Friday...You finish earlier (11:10 pm)

My Channie❤️‍🩹:I'll be free in a few hours, go to bed without me (11:15 pm)

You didn't answer him, he wouldn't have read it anyway.He was never distracted while working. You irritably threw the phone on the table and pushed the vase, it rolled on the table, but not enough to break. You were angry at him, you were hurt and hurt, probably you can't do this anymore? You get up and go to the vase at the other end of the table, on a small piece of paper it says: "My beloved Lily", you push the vase from the edge of the table with a light movement of your hand, letting it break on the laminate in the kitchen, the fragments scattered everywhere, deafening the silence of the cold apartment. You are constantly looking at the fragments and the scattered Lilies, how in tune with Lilies and Lilies. An almost hysterical laugh escapes from your lips. The laughter of despair and pain that has been accumulating in you for a very long time.The pain from the shrapnel that injured your legs filled your heart. It was so morally painful, but when the fragments cut through the delicate skin, all the moral pain was transferred to the legs, the heart no longer hurts, it became easier.Pain relieves pain. You watch as scarlet blood flows down your legs, droplets fall on the petals of white lilies. Love is filled with blood. You take off your sweatshirt, remaining in a wide T-shirt, hanging it on the back of a chair and go to the bathroom to treat the wounds on your legs, smearing blood on your slender legs with your fingers.After a few minutes, you manage to gather your senses and you treat minor wounds, it's already half past eleven in the evening, there is still no Chan. No, you're not crying anymore, the tears stopped a few tantrums ago.Your soul is now in a dark and frightening void, you've wandered into the wrong place, girl. Your life was described by the phrase: "Did I miss you?No, only idlers get bored, and I always have a lot of work, you know...Sometimes, though...sometimes I cried, sometimes I winced in pain, as if knives were stabbing into my heart; sometimes I choked with pain, as if your beautiful hands were strangling me; sometimes I couldn't sleep at night, I imagined you; I don't eat practically, I want to become better for you...and so I didn't miss you, I just can't live without you."

Who were you kidding?You love him so much and even with all your desire you will never push him away, you are so weak. You're a fool, Lily.Tears did not come even with all the desire, from the effort to cry you coughed, lightly slapping your chest. After a few minutes, you will still get up and go to the kitchen, you wanted to eat. After dinner, you check your phone again. He didn't write. There's a picture of him on your phone's work screen, he's very handsome. You allow yourself a sad smile. It's already twelve o'clock at night, your bed with Chan is cold, it's cold without him, but you've already got used to it. You check your phone every thirty minutes, your heart is racing, and your mind is telling you to be silent, but is it possible to be silent when you are madly in love?

Lily: Good night Chan 🩷 (12:08 am)

My Channie ❤️‍🩹: Sweet dreams my love (12:47 am)

For a second it warms your soul, but the pain is not less, but only more. you fall asleep with your phone in your hands. What can be done about broken heart syndrome?How could you push away the person who became your world? How can you give up a man who has become your air and desire to live? You didn't know the answers to these questions, but you wanted to know so much. Even in your sleep, your thoughts did not leave you, it was too disturbing a night. By morning, your heart had already broken, tears engulfed you again, you were crying loudly, you couldn't do anything else. When you heard the sound of the door opening, you wiped the tears from your face, but your eyes betrayed you. One .two..Three seconds, the bedroom door opened. Chan was very surprised when he saw you not sleeping, but sitting on the bed with tear-stained eyes and a slightly reddened face from tears. You sobbed even louder at the sight of Chan and his tired appearance.

"What's wrong, Lily?" Chan sat down next to you, gently hugging your shoulders, "You happened," You say it almost unintelligibly, tears streaming down your face, "Chan, I'm tired...I'm tired of this attitude towards myself"

"I really don't understand what you're talking about, Honey..."

"How can you not understand? Do you remember my solo debut?" He nodded, "Do you remember my first appearance on the podium?" nod again, "How many times have I begged you to come, how many fucking times have I asked you for support...How many times have I needed you? Where have you been all these times, where have you been when I need you so much"

"Lily...You do realize that I have a job and I can't always–"

"But I could, right?I've been around every time, I've been around for more than five years! HOW MANY times HAVE I LITERALLY SPAT ON MY LIFE FOR YOU, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I BEEN THERE WHEN YOU ASKED, I'VE BEEN TO ALL THE PERFORMANCES AND EVENTS...BUT FOR SOME REASON, WHEN I NEEDED YOU, I NEVER SAW YOU IN THE CROWD." You screamed, breaking out of his grip, tears choked your throat, you tried to shout over the pain. Chan was looking at you so sad and sad, and it came out of his mouth: "I'm sorry."

"Why do I need your forgiveness?"

"I will try my best for us" You glance at him as he pulls you against his chest, running his fingers through your hair. As much as you don't want to, you have to say this...

"From this moment on there is no more “we”, now there is me and there is you." You laid your head on his shoulder, it’s too painful to push him away when you love him more than life, he’s your everything, "I'm afraid to say this, but from now on we are not in a relationship." You looked at him with eyes full of pain, he was already crying.

"Please Lily...we can make things better...I promise to be better for you." He placed his hand on your cheek and you pressed your face into his palm. Lily, you really are an idiot. "No, Chan...we can't do this anymore, forgive me."

You kiss his forehead one last time before getting out of bed, taking things from your wardrobe to change into clothes. Chan says something to you, but you don’t hear. You take the already prepared backpack and bag with your most necessary things and look at the man for the last time, frozen on your lips: “Forgive me, Channie.”

He tells you, you don't hear again. You walk past the kitchen, where there are blood lilies on the floor, you feel sorry that you broke the vase. Sorry. You change clothes and leave. Perhaps this is the end of the story?

Separation erased everything, took away with it a part of yourself that remained only a small initially inconspicuous cloud of grief. My heart aches and screams, dripping with tears of inconsolable love. Loneliness filled the space around. The silence seemed to spread through the so quiet streets of morning Seoul, ringing with indifference and a bored chill. He is not there to support, hug and warm up for all the forgotten shortcomings. Instead, there are only broken hopes and regrets that enter into thoughts and offend the soul. thoughts wander in the darkness of the past. The beloved voice sounds in my head, but its warmth is annihilated by the walls of separation. He's not here, and even when you close your eyes in a delusional attempt to bring him back, he remains an unreachable ghost. His presence has moved into a world of fantasies and unfulfilled desires. I had to move on, I had to build a new life and learn to live without a Vat.

You moved into a new apartment, that apartment will stay for Chan. In a new place it is so lonely and empty, there is no more the security and love that was at the very beginning.

He misses you too. The same storm of emotions and bitter thoughts fluttered in his chest. Memories with her rest in a corner of his soul, causing the most difficult feelings. He wants to come back, be near her, feel her warmth on his skin and hear her laugh. But there remains only the sad realization that now all this is just an illusion, where there is no place for reality and general happiness. He ruined everything himself, and Lily deserves happiness, but happiness with him is impossible, he was not created to love. Despair gripped him. A great emptiness arises in his heart, which never ceases to pull at his soul. He cursed himself for every wrong word, every wrong step that had caused this devastating loss. He was banging his head against the wall, trying to figure out why he did what he did. He longed to take back everything they had and make her his again. Become close to my bones, I want you in my heart. In the corner of the room there is a photo album, well worn by time, reminiscent of the past, full of happiness and promises. But now the remaining pages seem to be just another confirmation of the illusory nature of happiness.Chan struggles with numb fingers, trying to rein in the strings of his heart. He swims in an ocean of lost moments and unsatisfied desires, trying to drown the meaninglessness of his pain. But every attempt to get rid of him drives him more and more into a corner, squeezing every cell of his body, opening a painful wound with every breath. It hurts, doesn't it? It was so bad without her. It's his fault.

Three months later.

You even try to move on with your life, you are so busy with work that there is no room for pain, but at night everything comes back. You don’t know how Chan is doing, but you know that SKZ had a comeback in November with the album “ROCK-STAR”, you even watched the video, you liked it. Sometimes you cross paths with members at fashion shows, you give each other glances, but you don’t dare speak. There were already rumors that someone had appeared at the chan, you weren’t surprised. You also tried to fall in love with someone, but the heart that loved Bang Christopher Chan protested.

One evening on New Year's Eve, you were preparing dinner for yourself. By the way, you got a dog who was still just a puppy. Zoey was happily running and yapping around you, and you were preparing dinner when notifications started pouring in on your phone.

Binnie:Lily, I know what's going on with you and Chan, but can you please come? (07:18 pm)

Lily: What's happened? (07:20 pm)

Binnie: Please come and find out everything. Just please come. (07:21 pm)

Your restless soul immediately sensed something was wrong. You turned off the stove and covered the pan with a lid, picked Zoey up and called a taxi. Leaving the puppy at home alone was a bad idea, so you went to the hens' dorm with her. Your heart was pounding, you didn't even really dress nicely.:A black turtleneck, over a black oversize T-shirt and black bell-bottomed jeans. You're in a mournful mood, Lily. You were in a taxi, it took about 20-30 minutes to go. Zoey was fidgeting on your lap and licking your hands.

Maybe something happened to Chan?Maybe it was just a joke? You swallowed and kept looking out the window. Lily, what are you doing? Going to the past is a terrible idea in advance. During these months, You have lived through many events.She tried to keep busy with work, chores and meetings with friends, but her heart remained empty without Chan. She dreamed of him every day, of his kindness, his smile and his hugs. But it's such a stupid thing to dream about someone who did this to you. You drove up to the dorm, Zoey was running ahead of you when you entered the cottage. A worried Jisung opened the door for you, and Zoey burst into the house.

"I'm sorry, Hanni, I couldn't leave her alone at home"

"Everything is great, Lily, come on in" Jisung let her into the house, there was a New Year's atmosphere, but something was wrong.

Hyunjin saw Zoey and immediately started playing with her. "You've finally arrived, Lils...we have a fucking circus here ," Hwang Hyunjin always spoke bluntly.

"What happened...Is this related to Chan?"

Changbin came down from the second floor, he was holding a tray in his hands.

"He gets sick and drinks whiskey, cries..." Changbin put the tray on the table and called Lily over to him.

"Lily...I understand that you broke up, but please go up and talk to him, make him sleep."

"I... I can't"

At that moment, three poor men were looking at you like a shrek cat. It seems that they are already tired of the Chan. You sighed heavily and went up to Chan's room. As soon as you went up to his room, the terrible smell of alcohol immediately hit your nose, you coughed and quietly walked around the cluttered room to open the window a little. You turned on the dim light and sat on the edge of the bed. There, wrapped in a blanket, lay Chan, who also smelled of alcohol, but also pills. His eyes were closed, but he was not asleep, he was as if in a delirium. He was lying on his back, sweat was running down his face, he was frowning and mumbling. You shook your head and went into the bathroom to soak a towel in cold water and wipe Chan's face. When you ran a wet towel over his face, he barely said clearly:"Bin, go away...I don't need help....me..I don't want to live"

You clenched your jaw, you wanted to cry or hit him, he was a fool. You looked at his pale face, brushed his black curly hair from his forehead, barely running your fingers over his face. You wiped his face, neck, and a little bit of his shoulders. His eyes snapped open and he started crying, you didn't know what to do. He probably doesn't even know that you're sitting here.

"It hurts so much, Bin...It's like I'm dead." He closed his eyes again, and you put a cold towel on his forehead.

You got up and started cleaning his room a little bit, threw out all the alcohol, all the garbage and put things in their places. Your heart ached with pain, how stupid everything is. Chan groaned hollowly, and you sat back down on his bed. You put the necessary medications and pills that Changbin brought earlier on the nightstand by the bed. Chan had a fever, so why was he drinking that damn alcohol...why is Chan treating himself like that?

"Go to sleep, Channie, you need to sleep," You said it softly and tenderly, your voice has not been like this for a long time. Chan immediately opened his eyes and raised his head as soon as he heard your voice.

"Oh...I hear your voice...how I missed it" You placed Chan's head back on the pillow. Chan really didn’t realize you were sitting next to him. Happiness is not for us.

"Life without Lily is like hell, I blame myself so much... as if I had committed murder, when she left, I stopped living, I am literally surviving. It’s so difficult without her... but it’s my own fault... I gave her hidden gifts, but it wasn’t enough.” While he whispered through his delirium, you frowned, you didn’t understand what hidden gifts he was talking about. You stroked his head and whispered: “Chan, you need to take a pill.”

He was now truly back to consciousness.

"Lily...god...why are you here?" His eyes filled with tears again and you handed him a glass of water and a pill.

He drank obediently, but still looked at you absolutely normally.

"Don't look like that...Changbin asked to come"

his hands reached out to you, and you grabbed his hands and squeezed them in yours, silently urging him to lie back on the pillows.

"I'm sorry..forgive me...I'm so guilty."

"I tried to compensate for my absence with gifts and meetings that you dreamed of, but this was not enough... I understand, I'm sorry."

The puzzle is complete in your head, it seems you understand everything. He literally did what you wanted, and there was always a bouquet of Lilies because you said you loved Lilies. Lily loves Lily, sweet. He arranged a meeting for you with Donatella Versace, invited you to closed events, gave you the most expensive gifts, but could not be there. You never knew who the gifts were from. Chan even wrote songs for you, but you often forgot to listen to them. So who's bad now? Tears appeared in your eyes, you barely audibly whispered: “I’m sorry...”

He smiled faintly, a smile gracing his sickly face. He pulled you so that you collapsed next to him, your head falling on his shoulder.

"I promise to do better, I promise to be the best for you...just don't leave, please." Chan whispered this with all his might

"Do you really think we can do it?"

"We've missed a lot in five years... but we'll fix everything together, I'll never leave or hurt you again."

""I'm afraid we'll destroy each other...it's like we're incompatible."

"Lily, you are my soul and my love, you are literally all there is...you are my world."

"pain makes us stronger" Lily exhaled and snuggled closer to Chan. It was so strange, but you missed his warmth. You missed me terribly.

"I'm terrible too... I was just afraid, forgive me, forgive me"

Instead of answering, Chan's soft lips touched her forehead. she pressed her cheek to his chest. Chan began to fall asleep when Lily whispered "I still love you, Bang Christopher Chan."

Words of sincere affection filled the room. They spent New Year's Eve sleeping in each other's arms. Perhaps things will be much better next? Perhaps all this suffering will bring redemption?

It may be so stupid to give a chance to something that has ended... but love has not ended, your love for this man will never pass, it’s like a disease has taken over you. You are my first love syndrome.

"You are my last love and last love syndrome, Bang Christopher Chan."–"You are doomed to love me, Hwang Lily."

[eeunoia]

ENHYPEN Series

sinag — psh.

chapter two

synopsis: waiting for a great plot twist in your life, the ruthless and powerful mafia boss park sunghoon forced his way in to it.

pairings: park sunghoon x reader

word count: 2.7k

warnings: a contains violence, guns, killings, abuse, obsessive love & other stuff. if you can't take this stuff, feel free to scroll away. let me know if i missed some.

note: not proof read. sinag’s chapter will usually have 2k-3k words. i'm sorry if there’s grammatical errors. enjoy reading and my ask are open for your messages. thank you so much!

© eeunoia 2023 — all rights reserved.

here ‹ chapter one | chapter three › here

“Calm down, Kwon.” a man wearing a formal attire focused his eyes at the scene beneath him, standing proudly in front of the big glass windows of his office. He holds a cup of whiskey on his hand, the other one inside his pockets.

“Calm down?” his tone frantic as he slightly slams the coffee table near him. His fists balled, jaw clenching feeling perturbed by the situation they’re tangled in.

“Your son is uncontrolled! This arrangement was long overdue! You know we already need to do something about this.” he added.

The man remained calmed and collected despite his opposite demeanor. He went here out of frustrations in hope to come up with a solution for their problem and all he gets is a couple words of consolement. If anything, that's the last thing he needs.

“I am doing my best to convince my son, Luis.” he slowly turns to face the raging man. The placid look on his face pretty much mirrors the same with the young mafia boss they are discussing about. The main reason of their distress and troubled affairs.

“You out of all people knows that convincing your son is already out of the choices.” the man stoods and stares straight to his eyes.

“He’s stubborn and proud.”

“Mainly why we shouldn’t act repulsively. Sunghoon knows when to play his cards and is not stupid.” he took a quick sip from his glass and pursed his lips into a thin line.

“He is unpredictable and moves only to his demand. He was never born to be controlled. He's my own flesh and blood afterall.” the proud smile spreads across his face that only adds to Mr. Kwon’s anger.

“But he’s now going crazy over some girl? Is this the same boy you are blabbering about?” the man scoffs that faded the smirk on Mr. Park’s face.

“If we cannot do anything with your son might as well start by getting rid of that girl.” the look on his face were shameless. The way he talks was too casual that you’ll think he’s just commanding a luggage to be discarded somewhere.

“We have to find her before he does.” he fixed his coat while still keeping his dark, serious gazes over Mr. Park.

“In order to solve the problem, we need go dispose the one causing them.” he stated with firmness to his tone indication of want on immediate action.

“I will expect a bigger progress soon, Steven.” he starts heading towards the door, one of his man held it for him. He stops from his tracks and craned his neck to the man by the windows, “I’m not a very forgiving and patient person. You know that.”

He left the room and Mr. Park was lost with his own thoughts. His emotions at a mess that rarely happens. The lack of sense in the current situation was very unusual of him. All he can think of is his son and the tangled connection link between the Kwon family.

From the plane to your way to the hotel, you are well taken care of. The stress and worries you’ve been feeling when you stepped at the airport hours ago were vanished into thin air. It was crazy and you can’t even believe that you’re actually thinking that this trip isn’t so bad at the moment. Like as if you aren’t the same girl in distress for being sent over for this.

“This way to your room, Madam.” one hotel staff guides you in this beautiful suite. It was a hug room with a breathtaking view of the city beneath you.

The streets are busy, people rushing towards somewhere, cars honking at each other but it didn’t spoil the ambiance of the place. You giggled and eyes shut for a couple seconds, embracing the breeze blowing towards you. It surely gives off a different vibe, the feeling of being new to the place slowly gets into your system.

Scary, but thrilling. You are feeling anxious and all but staying in a fancy hotel with a rowdy surrounding rather than secluded villa sure comforts you a thousand times better.

You are snapped out from your trance when you remembers the main agenda of your trip. Letting out a strained sigh, you walked towards your bag to fish out the well planned schedule that was prepared for you. It’s like a list of things to be accomplished along the trip. It sounds like something not of a big deal since this is a business trip afterall, but the amount is what’s gets you. Thankfully, they did left your first day vacant.

Another strained sigh liberates out from you, making your lungs feel more lighter. So much for enjoying this trip. You tried to find the brighter side of it. The things you will learn from the seminars and basically from the experience here will be much to your gain.

You ordered room service for lunch and decided to rest for a bit before roaming around near the hotel for the rest of the day. The next day, its work day so while waiting for your first agenda, you ordered food for lunch. If the place was great, of course the food was fantastic. It is expected and it didn’t disappoint. You enjoyed your meal and soon starts preparing for your errands.

Today’s task is an uncomplicated one. Pretty much a warm up for the upcoming busy two weeks of your stay here. You dress up cutely and comfortably before deciding on heading downstairs to ask the lobby for some directions.

On the other hand, multiple cars parked right in front of the hotel. People’s eyes darted curiously at the scene, some chooses to continue their day after watching for a while. Sunghoon went out of his black range rover and dominantly roams his eyes around, causing the lingering eyes of some individuals to tear away.

His intimidating aura just causes some to even stop at their tracks and give way to the handsome man. He didn’t give any care and went inside along with some of his men, tossing his car keys to the valley incharge without sparing him a glance. The boy bowed paying his respect, slightly anxious not to do any mistake.

Arriving at the hotel lobby, staffs bows as he walks by. It didn’t stop people to stare at him. His face is not one to be missed anyway.

His men clicks the elevator open and Sunghoon steps inside. After pressing the floor where his room was booked, the door closes. The people who's about to ride the elevator hesitates and decided not to join him.

As the door of the elevator closes, the one beside opens and you steps outside. Smiling to the people waiting just in front of it. They seem fazed about something that made you curious. Your eyes looks at the elevator beside you, but it was close and the lights above says its moving up the building.

Dismissing that matter, you shrug off your shoulders and walks towards the lobby to go ask for directions.

Sunghoon sighs and walks outside the elevator when he arrived the floor. The hallway was empty.

“What are you doing here?” his jaw clenches and his fist balled tightly at the sight of a man sat comfortably in the middle of the room.

He’s alone, at least here inside, and a glass of whiskey sat near him on a coffee table. The man smiles a little and opens his arms as a welcoming gesture.

Sunghoon furrowed his brows and kept his unamused expression.

“Is that how you greet your dad?” his Dad crosses his legs and gave him this stare.

Despite feeling so angry, Sunghoon grinned.

“Dad?” he scoffs. “Since when did you act like one?” his rude words pricks something inside Mr. Park’s chest, but he knew he was in no place to complain.

He took part on why Sunghoon became like this. He was part of his dark childhood that led him to be ruthless. He may feel sorry right now, but there’s nothing he can do about it anymore. All there’s left was to convince him over to do the arrangement and save him from any possible outrage of the Kwon family.

“Son,” he calls, tone longing.

Sunghoon face reflects disgust at what he heard. “Don’t you dare call me that.” he coldly rejects.

“What are you doing here? How did you know that I’m here?” his questions are full of suspicion for the older man. This isn’t the first time he did this, but its still so odd that he couldn’t help to not let his guard down.

“I’m here to talk to you.” he answers one of it, but leaves out one. It didn’t slipped off from Sunghoon and sure he isn’t someone to disregard it as well.

“There’s nothing to talk about with you.” he grunts, letting him know that there is no way he can expect him to cooperate.

He turns his heels and was about to head out when his father talks once again.

“Marry Luna.” his words were short and direct.

Sunghoon halt from his steps and the crease to his forehead disappears along the emotions in his eyes.

He slowly craned his neck to look at his dad.

“Didn’t Mr. Kwon told you what we talked about the last time he went to see me?” he smirks with no humor.

“Please, son. That is planned ahead even before you’re even born.”

“If you’re too desperate in making her marry a Park, why not you do it?” he suggests in complete taunt.

“Park Sunghoon!” his Father shouts.

Seeing his father lose composure and frustrated like this, sooths something in Sunghoon. It feels something accomplishing in some part of him. He smirks unbothered of his Father’s threatening tone.

“This will be the last time you and Mr. Kwon will bother me about this stupid marriage.” he states, back to being very serious. His eyes dark, almost mirroring his father’s.

“It will never happen. He can have a gun pointed at my head during the wedding and I still won’t say ‘I do’.” he smoothly puts his hands inside his pocket.

“Don’t make me do something you will regret. Stop pushing my buttons,” Sunghoon tilts his head. “... Dad.”

Mr. Park was lost of words. He felt shivers run his spine at how cold his tone was. He can’t remember when he became like this. What did he do for him to end up like the cold ruthless person he is right now?

His mind was occupied for a while before he snaps back to his senses. He sighed and rest his back on the chair before massaging his temple. He expects no easy way to convince Sunghoon into this. And as much as he hates how Mr. Kwon last resort of solution to their problem, he was left with no other choice.

He’s doing this for his son.

He fished his phone from his pocket and dials someone’s phone number. “Did you ask the lobby about a reservation under the name Aelia Choi.”

He waits for the response of his assistant from the other line. He received a tip that Sunghoon gathers info that the girl he’s searching for are booked in this hotel. He figured his son will come here to search for her so he decided to take the opportunity of talking to him.

“There’s none, Sir.”

His brows furrowed, a little confused. Disappointed for probably another false information. A part of him felt sympathy for his son, he’s been searching for her and still no concrete leads of her whereabouts. Another, felt relieved. He can’t comprehend what crazy things his son can do for this girl. He can only mean bad for him. If he’s this wreckless for her right now, what more if he found her.

“All right, ready my vehicle.” he commands and ended the call.

After asking for details and asking assistance for your ride to the city. Waiting patiently, your brows furrowed curiously at the sight of men in black appearing the hotel’s lobby. They aren’t that many, but enough to catch attention. Their black similar uniforms sure captures people’s curiosity.

The view makes you remember of a particular night of your life. It makes you nervous, pressing your lungs and light pinches to your heart. It wasn’t pleasant for you so you quickly glanced away and move towards a more isolated part of the hotel.

From a distance, you watch how they move in an organize manner. It was evident how disciplined and well connected they are to each other. Their built and postures sure insinuates how dutiful they are. It seems like they are there to protect someone. Someone very important.

Everybody went back to normal once they left the premises. You can hear some of them still talks about the said person that just left. Uninterested, you walks towards the lady at the front desk.

“Can I ask a room service once I get back?” you ask smiling. The lady returns and smiled warmly at you.

“Under what name of reservation?” she asks.

“Oh, under Mr. (boss name).” you pursed your lips as she tries to check something on her computer. Patiently, you roam your eyes around the hotel lobby.

You noticed another group of men wearing suits pretty similar to the ones from before. This time, you saw the man walking in between them. He seemed like a very powerful man. His hair perfectly fixed, some gray strands can be seen even from the distance but it didn’t make him look that old. If anything, he looks like a Dad of a very attractive offsprings.

You didn’t realized you’ve been staring too much. Thankfully, the lady at desk calls your attention. The moment you looked away, the man gazed at you. Both of you clueless about how each other will soon make a big change to your lives, missed the opportunity to meet due to uncertain timing

“What time will you be back for the room service, Ma’am?” she asked.

You gave her the time you possibly back from your errands. Thanking her softly before going on with your day, unaware of what lies ahead of you.

“Hello, Riki?”

He heard some muffled sound from the other line, “Yeah, hyung?” the younger one responds.

“I think there’s a rat in my men. They’ve been snitching on my Dad about my whereabouts.” he continuously says in a cold tone. He’s not yet sure if hes right, but what could possibly the reason of the unexpected appearance of his father?

He’s very strict on sharing infos of his life, specially when it involves about his search of you.

“I want you to find who it is and report back to me.”

“On it.” he replies and chuckles. “This is not free, hyung.” the younger one teased.

Sunghoon rolls his eyes, “Just send me the bill.” and he ends the call before resting his back on his chair.

He’s inside his private jet. He went straight here after the encounter with his dad. The pilot waits for his command to fly and go back, but for some reason he felt something’s stopping him.

The plan of searching for you at this place sure is already sabotaged. He hope what they received was just a false information or else he will make his Dad pay for missing you once again. He tries hard to convince himself that its also probably his father who tipped him so he can have time to talk. But he can’t get rid of the thought that you might be near him. It’s making him suffer.

He have no idea how many times he will feel this way in the future, but he doesn’t care. He will never stop looking for you, even if it means he have to spend his whole life hoping that you two will meet again without a definite certainty that it’ll happen.

here ‹ chapter one | chapter three › here

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[chilumi-shipper]

My Favorite Girl (2)

Arataki Itto x Shrine Maiden!Fem!Reader

Summary: Part 2 of My Favorite Girl, you unexpectedly return, missing everything and everybody. You want to make things clear, does he still love you? And do you still love him?

Tags: Two lines with curses, Bullying in work place, Angst to Fluff

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Itto remained seated by the docks, similar to how his days ended the past month. The burning ache of your departure never left him, in fact, it has only gotten worse, your lack of presence making itself known to him and a certain mini-sized bull.

Two months.

You've been gone two months, double the time you said you were gonna spend on Watatsumi Island. All his prayers to see a boat containing you had been ignored, much like the letters he sent to you while you were gone.

"Hey, babe! How's the job treating you?"

"I know you'll ace this job like you always do! What is it that Shrine Maidens do specifically that they have to switch locations? Well anyway, you'll do so good, you probably won't even need a full month to finish the job."

"Looooveee, don't let Ushi warm your side of the bed for too long, okay? His sleep moos are kinda annoying, ya know? Ohh, crap! He caught me writing you a letter!" This particular letter had a bite mark and a hoof print of the sleep moo-er.

"So... I don't know how to start this up without sounding like a total jerk, but... Well, first I wanna say happy birthday! Very very late happy birthday..." This letter was quite long, yet it received no reaction.

"You haven't returned any of my letters yet, which is totally okay if you're too busy! But I just wanna know if you're okay... I really miss you, Ushi misses you, the gang too! It been a little bit over a month, waiting for you~ I love youu." This letter was signed by each member of the Arataki Gang, each with their own little message.

A few letters of concern goes by, no response.

"It's been two months, my darling... When are you coming back home?" He wrote this one drunk and in tears, the feeling of missing you sinking deeper and deeper into his gut, not letting him shrug off the feeling like he did before.

"Boss! Look what I found in your mail!" The loud shout of Akira irritated the many people at the docks of Ritou, but it did its job of catching the oni's attention.

Itto turned to see the gang running up yo him. "Hey! You can't just go through my mail like that! What if you accidentally open ones for Y/N? She'd kill ya!"

"Yeah, I know, boss. But I actually got this from the mail delivery before it reached your house, sooo... this isn't your mail yet..." Akira remarked, proudly showing off his loophole.

Kuki Shinobu rolled her eyes before urging him, "Go on then, show him."

The Akira, Mamoru, and Genta excitedly showed Itto the letter in Akira's hands. "From Miss Y/N herself! Ohhh, is our Honorary Maiden about to return? We must rejoice!" Genta exclaimed, hyping up the other members too. Ushi himself couldn't keep his little body from jumping in joy.

"Looks like we don't have to go to Watatsumi for a grand Arataki rescue mission."

"Yeah, hmmm... I was kinda excited about that though."

"Now, hold on..." Shinobu broke their thrilled conversation. "We haven't even read the letter."

"Shinobu's right. Maybe... she just wants to say there's nothing to worry about, and she'll be staying there longer..." The hopeless voice coming from the oni, perhaps preparing for dissapointment, didn't go unnoticed. The gang noticed the change in attitude their leader has been having a few weeks after you left, getting worse with each passing day without you.

"Aww, boss, don't be like that! I'm sure Miss Y/N's had enough of Watatsumi now, she's probably preparing to head home right now." Mamoru attempted to comfort his boss, but Itto has told himself the same so many times that he feels like he can no longer hold the statement in a high regard.

Ushi softly pushed Itto's ankle with his hoof, urging him to open the letter.

"I apologize, my dear. This letter may be long overdue, but I want to let you know that I am doing just fine, there is nothing to worry about. I will be returning in just a short while, I trust that Ushi has kept my side of the bed warm for me, hehehe. To the Arataki Gang, I missed you all as well, I look forward to seeing you. And as for my beloved, Itto, let's talk once I'm there."

"She's really coming back home!" Everyone celebrated, but Itto's mind started spinning.

The most terrifying words... "Let's talk..." without a hint of emotion.

He looked at the letter once again...

Not even an I love you.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Itto didn't expect the "returning in just a short while" to be just a few hours after he received the letter.

But when he found the door of your shared home open, you were standing visibly inside with your luggage laying on the ground, he could only stand in shock.

He has been dreaming of your return for the past month, but he hasn't exactly thought about how he was gonna greet you, he wasn't even sure whether you were still upset about how he treated you then.

"Y/N..." He whispered the name of the love of his life into the air, being loud enough to just about graze your ears.

You turned to look at him, and immediately, your heart fluttered at the sight. The ever so idiotically dashing man you think is still yours. Your heart sunk at the thought, opting to smile at him instead.

"Itto... Am I still welcome here?" There's a pain constantly in your chest when you think of him. Is his home still your home? Have you been thoroughly replaced? Did you absence spark something between him and a certain ninja you know?

"What are you-" The oni started of confused. "Of course you're welcome here! This is your home, did you think Ushi clamed your ownership entirely? He only took up the bed, but that's it, really." You giggled at his remark, finding it easy to talk to him still.

"It's just that you probably didn't expect me to come back now. My letter was pretty late, as I've heard." You reasoned as you look around, seeing that practically nothing has changed from when you left.

"Well, you wanted to talk, so let's save that for later, why don't we?" Itto picked up all of your luggage, reminding you of his pride of not making two trips just to transport something, prompting you to smile as you nodded at his suggestion.

Your smile lit up the house he found so lonely while you were gone, so naturally, he noticed you smiling at him, and it brought a light feeling to his heart. "What? Missed your strong oni carrying everything for you?"

Your oni... Is he really?

Your smile faded a bit, but you made sure to catch yourself so he wouldn't notice, "Yeahh, I really did..."

...

"So you're the maiden from Narukami right? The one in love with an oni?" You caught the condecending tone of another Shrine Maiden as she spoke to you.

You decided to ignore the way she spoke to you. "Yes, that's right! How can I be of assistance?"

"Mind throwing this to the garbage, just some useless junk mail." She placed a sizable amount of crumbled and shredded paper onto your hands. "Thanks." After giving you the most ungrateful thanks, she walked away giggling with her friend.

You merely sighed, heading for the trash can, pouring the paper in the bin. Just as you were about to walk away, you noticed something on the paper... Ushi's signiture hoof print.

With a gasp, you grabbed it and read the letter that was at such a sorry state. The letter was light hearted, yet when you read it, you almost broke down right next to the garbage. You scooped up the rest of the paper you just threw away and hurriedly ran back to your quarters. Most of the letters are in pieces, but you still needed to see what they say.

After two months in Watatsumi, you only received their letters then.

...

You're finally back home, the suffocating air the Watatsumi Shrine Maidens breathe no longer in your lungs. You took another look of the house as Itto carried your things into your shared room.

In a tired manner, you sat down on the couch, and Ushi immediately took a seat next to you. "Hello, my little bull..." You cooed affectionately, patting his head, which he all responded to positively.

Everything is where it should be... so normal and so familiar.

"Darling! I have a surprise for you! I almost forgot since, ya know, you came unex-" Itto's excited voice and enthusiastic movements halted when he saw you sitting down on the couch. "Y/N...?"

Your head was down, small sobs came from your throat, and he can tell that you're trying yo hold them in. You curled up into a ball, sobs getting louader as you can no longer hold such a pain in your heart.

"Itto, please... I need you..." At your call, the oni dropped his gift to the ground and hurried to your side before pulling you to his chest. "Let me stay here..."

"Love, it's okay... I'm right here. And you can stay right here too." He kissed the top of your head, rubbing you shoulder to calm you down.

"Don't leave me all alone. Do-Don't forget about me..." You were begging, clinging onto him. Hoping he wouldn't walk out the door without a thought.

You wrapped your arms around him, sitting on his lap before burrying your face on his neck. The concerned oni didn't completely understand, but he understood that you needed him, so he's going to be there, he isn't leaving you alone in your home this time.

...

"Feeling better?" With a grin, Itto placed a cup of hot chocolate in front of you. The sight of you nodding left him feeling relieved.

"I'm right here, darling, alright?"

"Do you still love me?" The oni was shocked by the suddenness of your question. You looked at him, expecting an answer.

After composing himself, Itto stood in front of you at the dinner table, giving you the same look. "I fucking love you too much for you to start questioning my love."

"But you gave me a reason to... question it..." You pointed out sheepishly.

The man you love sighed, "I know, and I'm hoping... if you let me, I can make up for that..." He then proceeded to place a gift in front of you, right next to the hot chocolate.

"My very very late birthday present?" You gestured at the gift with a smile.

You felt in your heart that... you should trust his words, to let him prove his love. So you will.

"So you did receive my letters..." He teased right back.

"It's a long story..." You sighed, looking at the present in front of you.

"And I'll be hapy to hear it, love. Because I will always be here." Itto walked up to you and proceeded to wipe the lone tear that fell from your eye.

You stood up and jumped at him, hugging him immediately. "I'm really sorry, Itto... I shouldn't have left."

Tears yet again fell to your cheeks, "But when you forgot about my birthday, about our special day... about me..." You recalled the many nights you spent without him by your side.

"It made me... questionn your love..."

The love of your life hugged you back, letting you lean on his chest. "Then let me ask you now... Do you still love me?"

You chuckled against him.

"I fucking love you too much for you to start questioning my love." He couldn't help but let out the biggest grin when you said that.

The oni let go of you, before bringing the gift to your attention. "Since you love me so much, you'll let me take you out on a date and wear this, right?"

As he opened the box, you saw a necklace with a pendant that in a shape of a bull... he knows you too well. Yes, this is the beautiful jade necklace, it is made out of jade, soooo...

You hear a moo at the your feet, making you look down. "Oh, and here comes Ushi." Itto bantered with the idea of him and the bull being competitors for your love.

Ushi presented to you a wilting flower, along with the purest eyes you can see on a bull.

"Ohh, my sweet darling, thank you so much!"

Itto scoffed, "He literally plucked it out of the neighbor's garden, he almost cried when he was being shouted at."

"Ahh, Ushi has faced such a great trial for this flower, I appreciate it even more."

As the two compete for your love just like old times, the hot chocolate on the table goes cold.

...

"Uh, Shinobu..." The boat of the rest of the Arataki Gang docked at Watasumi Island. "What are we doing here again?" Mamoru questioned the green haired girl.

"Apparently, there's a problem about receiving mail in the Sangonomiya Shrine, and that's why Miss Y/N took so long to get back home." Kuki Shinobu clarified. "Miss Yae asked us to take care of it. Think of this as part of the rescue mission you were talking about."

"Yeahh, alright! Let's kick some mail troblemakers butts!" Akira exclaimed.

"Yep, that's exactly what Miss Yae asked for. This is probably the only Shrine Maiden related thing I like, except for Miss Y/N, of course."

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

After a year with no update...

I was done with a lot of things on my plate (thankfully) so I thought, why not pick up an old project :3

Thanks so much for everyone's patience, for waiting for part 2 of this story for such a long time, I appreciate you guys (⁠ ⁠ꈍ⁠ᴗ⁠ꈍ⁠)

Tags: @l0diluvs @iiyumii @lockem @t4m3-simp @eliciana @freezombielover

[niuniente]

PICK A CARD WITH NIU Choose an image (or more than 1) and read below a message meant for you from The Spiritual Realm. Only take what resonated with you and leave the rest.

I thought that since I can't keep up with the Youtube channel, I can allow some simple pick a cards here.

☕ 1: Tea and Pulla Sweet Bun 🥐

A saving grace is right on the horizon. This is the famous 11th hour, when the door finally opens and the solution arrives just when you have given up. To reach this liberation you're seeking, you need to allow yourself just to be. It's OK not to know. It's OK not to have the answers. This is a card of a positive surrender where you throw your hands up in the air and admit that you've done all you can - now the rest is in the hands of some higher power. Once you surrender and allow currents to take you, you can finally get your solutions, answers and have the doors opening. Imagine this as a situation where you try to pull a door open. You have been trying too hard. You've tried all you can imagine to get that damn door open. Finally, all tired and frustrated, you give up and just toss yourself against the door with a shout "I give up!". And, you know what? That door was a push door. It was never going to open by you pulling it but you were so busy telling yourself that you have to get this door open and giving all you've got and some beyond to get the door open that you never realized that it was a push door. 

Same kind of letting go is needed now. Letting go of the reins is scary but worth it. If your life has already been in chaos and you have already surrendered, then know that it will pay off. Likely faster than you realized.  This need to let go of control and trying too hard can fall into any area of life; work, school, relationships, love, hobbies, interests etc.

Remember that no matter how many setbacks you've had, no matter how often you have failed, no matter how hard you have tried, you have not been abandoned. You're on the right track. The Universe will step in and set things for your favor, no matter how impossible it would seem to you. Relax and let this storm pass, as you can't tell a storm to stop or go away. You've got this. Be more gentle with yourself and give yourself credit for; life has been hard but you've gone so far. It will get better. If it didn't, you wouldn't be reading this message now.

If you want a personal private reading, order one from my Etsy.

🐤 Picture 2: Bird and Cherry Tree 🌸

Congratulations are in order! A lucky strike is about to hit you! Things will turn into your favor and you can literally see some sort of a figurative spring arriving to your life, maybe after a figurative winter. This is a good time to take risks, gamble and most importantly remain optimistic and positive. Have a sense of ease and fun, as things will work out for your favor, in a way or another. This lucky strike can fall on a certain area of life or on multiple areas of life at the same time; health, work, study, relationships, love, finances, move etc. If you are an adult and hoping to get pregnant, this is a good time for pregnancy. For singles, go out there and mingle!

You are asked to feel the thrill of victory and gratitude towards this win of yours, even if it wasn't here yet. Just like a child on a birthday or some other occasion, where you know something wonderful will definitely happen and you don't even second guess it. Allow yourself to take this good luck, this golden ticket from Lady Luck. Don't feel guilty for being victorious and having things working out for you. If you are in a situation where all is at ease and life is easy, fun and abundant to you, don't feel guilty or ashamed of this. You feeling miserable because someone else is miserable and unlucky will only have two people - you and the other - feel miserable.

This win feels very personal. It is possible that you can't share this with others, like for example the pregnancy I mentioned earlier; only you or your partner can be pregnant with the baby meant for you. Only you can get that job. Only you can graduate now. Only you can take that trip. Only you can win something meant for you. If you get a financial windfall, invest into your own self first. Be generous towards yourself. You've earned this!

If you want a personal private reading, order one from my Etsy

🌏 Picture 3: The Planet and Stars ⭐

You might have set your eyes on a goal (or plan to do so) which will require hard work and loving discipline. Hard work and patience is needed with this goal, and it is possible that this goal is either a bit hard to reach, takes a long time to reach or it's rare in a way that not many have gone after it. Such a goal can be anything from saving money for a big purchase, learning a new skill or a new language, exercising for a certain body, painting a gigantic mural, transitioning, wanting to cover yourself with tattoos, or even just growing your hair really long.

You are asked to have a sense of success and abundance as you go towards this goal; I can do this! I've got what's needed to obtain it! I can make it! It's worth it! This goal might be something which has been on your mind for a long time and perhaps you have tipped your toe in its waters but now, the time seems to be right for this journey - all the way to the victorious end goal. You've grown, you've planned, you've investigated, you've given yourself time to consider this. This card gives me a feel of a mature decision, whether this goal of yours is a new style or a business of your own. Whatever is calling you, it is calling you for a reason. This call is positive.

You might need to let go of something or someone to obtain this goal, because it's going to ask for either a bigger transformation or more of your time and resources. If you, for example, learn a new language you need to clear space from your daily schedule for it. Or, if you are going to save money for something big, you have to cut down your expenses. Or, perhaps you want to obtain a job, a home or an education which is available in a different city/state/country and it requires you to move. Also, moving from singlehood to a relationship or from a bad relationship to a singlehood is this kind of a shift this card is talking about. Don't hesitate to let go of things and make room for this change. Keep going, you can do this and in the future, you will be happy that you kept going and allowed yourself to explore this option.

If you want a personal private reading, order one from my Etsy

[morganalatina21]

Manipulating Death: Chapter Twelve

Series Summary: When Harry discovers he has a twin sister that was hiding for years, he wants to know all about her, specially about her ability to bring people back to life.

a/n: yo yo! (Timmy's voice). I know, I know, it's been a rough couple of months since I last posted something but i was just starting college (i passed in one of the top best in my country so I'm really glad), and now that everything's outta the way I can go back to writing so better get used to receive some news from me baby!

Aaand, Ik this one's a little shorter than usual but i just wanted to announce that im back so... yeah

(Also, english isn’t my first language so I’m sorry in advance lol)

Last Chapter | Masterlist

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When summer came and Harry had to go back to Hogwarts and then back to his uncle’s house, Sirius was ready to throw hands.

The remaining marauders grew a very solid anger towards their old headmaster after everything Y/n and Regulus told them about, and were ready to disobey him one more time, however after some long days of talking, they decided to play the game.

If Dumbledore was allowed to lie to them and risk their lives as if they were a bunch of pawns, so could the Order.

So Harry, Hermione and Ron went to Hogwarts to finish their fifth school year, the Potter would write letters to his sister everyday and once every two days they’d talk through the fireplace.

He’d tell her how his day was, how he missed the twins fooling around, how Umbridge was such a pink bitch he could throw up; and Y/n would give small hints about how their search for the Horcruxes was going, and the best way to hex his professor without her knowing.

He avoided referring to her as a sister, and just went with “a very dear friend”, and also never mentioned Dumbledore, just in case he decided to somehow capture Edwiges and read the messages.

But they were so happy being able to talk to each other basically everyday after being almost sixteen years apart.

The boy was happy he, for once, could write home, to someone who was actually interested, some family.

Of course, before, he had Sirius, but the man saw him as a replacement for James, and Harry viewed him the same way; this was different, he didn’t saw Y/n as his mother, neither did her.

But it was pretty clear he was jealous whenever someone else interacted with her.

Like this time when Hermione told him she sent a letter to Y/n to ask about some potions and how she was healing, Harry turned red immediately and wondered why she was so worried if she wasn’t her sister.

Or whenever they were talking through the fireplace and Regulus would be right beside her in the room.

“It’s like” He mumbled, “You guys have your own families and I don’t interfere, let me have mine!”

Speaking about her healing, it took longer than expected, and she hid that from Harry, not wanting the boy to worry over nothing, but Regulus only allowed her to step out of the bedroom when her brother was going back to Petunia’s house.

“Honestly, I do think I will die here.” She confessed one day when he came in with her meal. “But of boredom.”

The day Harry had to go back to his uncle's, he decided to see his sister one last time before spending the entire summer without her.

And everyone got a pretty clear view from Harry's jealousy that day.

Remus left the house to receive the golden trio outside, not knowing an exact hour they'd be there, so it was just Regulus and Sirius downstairs and Y/n in her room.

The kids' presence not being exactly announced when they arrived, both Black Brothers thinking she'd be asleep and didn't wanted to bother the poor girl.

Well, they were wrong.

Because her voice came loud and clear, not even a little groggy: "Hey Reggie?"

They perked up at that, the man standing up.

"I'm bored, do you wanna come lay with me so I can play with your hair?"

Their eyes widened, staring at the younger Black in pure shock. He nodded his head at them, as in greeting goodbye and started going upstairs.

Mid-way he started running towards her, knowing she'd probably change her mind if he took too long. "Yes!"

Harry was fuming, as red as Ron's hair.

He busted into his sister’s room and finding her messing with Regulus’ curls. The boy shooed him away harshly and dropped his own head on her lap, staring at the Black with a cold glare that made Y/n laugh.

After a couple minutes, they decided to hang out with everyone else, and Harry would never leave his sister, following her around like a shadow and even making Regulus jealous, and it was so comic for his brother.

She told Harry things they couldn't talk about through letters, like the possessor's training that Reggie was responsible for, or how the Horcruxes hunt was going in full details.

"That reminds me, I got something for you." Y/n announced before sprinting upstairs, to which Regulus was really unhappy about. But she then came back a few moments later, with an old and messy hairbrush on one hand. "It was our father's, it's the only thing I have from him and I want you to have it."

"Are you sure?" He reluctantly asked, holding it as if it could break and disappear if he as much breathed on it. But Y/n shook her head yes with a huge smile.

"Consider it an early birthday gift."

The boy felt his eyes watering, sucking in a hiccup and holding the Potter in a tight hug that almost made him cry his eyes out.

Throughout the rest of the year, Harry would look at the hairbrush almost as if he was begging for his dad's guidance. He felt back on his third year, standing by the lake, with Sirius and his own image passing out on the other side, waiting for his dad to come and save the day.

Except that right now, he knew it was basically his own mind giving him advice. The boy was desesperately trying not to get his hopes high that Y/n could bring them back to life.

She sure was powerful, but after her death she appeared to get weaker and weaker by the day.

He'd get letters from Remus or one of the Black brothers saying she was too sick to write, that they'd keep him uptaded on any important news.

But how could Harry stay fucking calm? Deep down, he felt lied to. He had no reason to suspect his godfather or his sistser's godfather, but Merlin there was something wrong.

And he was right.

Because a week after he arrived at the Dursley's, Regulus Black woke up to an empty bed except for himself.

Calling out her name, no answer.

The basement just as empty as the bed.

Sirius and Remus? Clueless.

Kreacher? Obliviated.

Y/n Potter was, once again, missing.

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Next Chapter

Taglist: @intoanothermind @moonysupremacy01 @maraudersarelifee @elleraelockwood @darkenwolfie @hopesf @lukewearingbeanies @azuredgalaxies @klazina-couch-potato @goldensunshineshit @kaverichauhan @venomsvl @mrs-billyrussooo @mikadorbs @iavenderh6ze @wizardsgrace @reblog-princess @dittos-blog-dylanobrien @roroswitherose @s-we-e-t-t-ea @ok-boke @warcelia @danyxthirstae01 @b-tchymoon @lovely-maryj @the-sander-fander @regulusblackloverr @coffeeaddictednymph @quackitysdrugdealer @pansexualwitchwhoneedstherapy @teamspideyman @artemis-the-ace @theprettytragic @loidforgerishotashell @criminalyetminimal @amortyong @qualitywitchchaos @musicconversedance @xcharlottemikaelsonx @esposadomd

[badasgirlfriend]

Love On The Down Low - Bada Lee Social Media AU - 031

pairings: bada lee x zhong lei

prev - masterlist - next

TW: grooming

a/n: would've could've should've is the song she wrote </3

taglist: { @1luvkarina , @hallotherenicetomeetyou @fillthwvoid , @kdacase @prilux @jjlovesbada @waveartistry , @dkluvs , @pinksults, @tikitsune , @b1ackbunny , @adaiasafira, @froufrousnowman , @99ycs, @badaslali , @italiekim , @saturnushasmyback , @heedoya @fairiechuu @itsbokutosjuicyass , @tnu-ree @jesuschrist2006 @asweetcollide , @ssivinee , @downbadforbada , @starryelling , @pupbistro , @dexthzone , @smoooore }

Numbness

That's what Bada had been feeling ever since she got that message. There were no tears or screams, just silent suffering. Her eyes were dry and she felt hollow inside. She was staring at her blue notebook she got with a pen in her hands

'Whatever you think, sorry but I don't give a fucking shit'

But mostly, she was mad.

She felt a burning anger within her. She was mad at the people who didn't believe her and continued to throw so many words at her without hearing her first

'Sorry, I don't give a fuck that your life is medicore'

She was angry at the company she basically brought back from failure.

'That you screwed up and are unable to leave the shithole'

She was mad at that girl who, for no reason, decided to destroy everything she has worked for. Playing the victim while Bada is the actual victim

'For you to think that my success is related to your failure"

Bada felt a growing sense of dread and anxiety. She had a feeling that this story would end badly for her, and she didn't like where it was headed.

Trapped in a nightmare with no way out

"Your delusion is top-notch fuck it"

Her eyes remained glued to paper that was filled with lyrics. Her attention was focused on the song she was working on, not even glancing at the girl who just entered the studio. She sighed and scribbled the mistake she had accidentally made, for what seemed like the hundredth time.

Bada heard the chair next to her being pulled out, but she didn't look her way. Lei remained silent as well, not making a sound.

Lei stared at her, Bada's hood was up, hiding her face perfectly. She moved her eyes to read what she was writing. She cracked a smile, happy to see Bada get her motive back.

She wanted to say something, but everything that was on her mind felt embarrassing. Lei wasn't used to having this problem with anyone else. In fact, she was always the one striking up a conversation, you can never keep her mouth shut. But ever since she spent all those nights thinking about the butterflies she gets everytime she hangs out with Bada, something changed

Oh she's so fucked

"What's worse?" Bada spoke up, and Lei's eyes immediately darted towards her

"Being wanted but not loved, or loved but not wanted?"

"Uhm depends in what situation you put it" the shorter girl answered "But for me, I prefer a situation where both love and want are mutual"

Bada only nodded, satisfied with her answer. "Same" she muttered and closed the notebook. She then pulled her hood down, and tried to fix her messy hair

Lei felt sorry for the girl. Her eyes felt dead, and her eyebags were only getting worse day by day. Compared to when she first came and now, she lost so much weight too

"Let's celebrate" Bada bent down down and took out a small convenience store white cake from from the mini fridge.

Lei eyed her suspiciously taking a sip of water "What is this for?"

"For me getting kicked out of my group"

The chinese girl almost choked on her water "what- you got kicked?" she asked in disbelief, she didn't think it would come at this point

Bada's head whipped around in the blink of an eye "N- no oh my god, I said it wrong. Maybe I'll get kicked, I don't know they're thinking about it. If they can't win against the girl then yes"

"Well fuck your CEO and manager" Lei muttered, throwing her bottle on the floor in a fit of rage. "This whole situation should've ended months ago. That company is so greedy and corrupt, just hungry for more attention and money"

Bada couldn't help but grin as Lei continued to angrily ramble and curse everyone. It was oddly adorable how she would grab the hem of her shirt every time she was mad and play with it. Bada also noticed the way her heart began beating abnormally, and she couldn't help but feel a tug of affection for this girl. She'll ignore it for now

It will go away

"It's okay. We'll see how it goes" Bada replied "We'll see what happens" She passed a fork to Lei, and they began eating small bites of cake without even bothering to cut it.

"You didn't tell me you were a YG trainee."

Lei shivered at the mention of YG, her mind going back to those haunting memories of her time as a trainee. The voices of the other girls and stagf constantly putting her down, the pressure of being perfect, the abuse and neglect, most importantly him

"Yeah" Lei's mouth suddenly went dry at the thought. " How do you know?"

"I saw your 'YG songs' file" Bada said

"Oh, should've changed the name" she uttered "I was for five years then I left"

"I don't blame you" Bada sympathized. "It's a good thing that you left. They're known for keeping trainees forever without ever making their debut."

"It's not because of that" Lei sighed, avoiding eye contact and looking towards the computer. "I was forced to leave. They forced me to go, and there wasn't much I could do about it. It's a long story"

Lei's cheeks reddened when she felt Bada's hand grab hers.

"We have time" Bada said, reassuring her.

2016

Lei's whole body was shaking, and tears would run down her cheeks. She was trying to hard dance perfectly, but she simply couldn't anymore. The pressure was taking a toll on her, and she couldn't keep up no matter how hard she tried.

"Hey are you alright?" a voice said behind her. She wiped the tears from her face quickly, her eyes still red

She turned around to face the person, and her eyes widened as she saw who it was. It only took a split second for her to recognize him as her senior, she was too embarrassed to look him in the eye. Instead, she bowed and kept her head dangling low "Y-yes Im fine thank you"

He smiled softly at her and laughed. "It's obvious you're not, here take my water bottle."

"It's unnecessary really," she was about to deny his offer, but his playful glare won her over. "Thank you."

"If anyone's giving you a hard time, just tell me. I'll have a talk with them," he said with a lighthearted tone. He winked at her, and Lei blushed hard "How old are you anyway?"

Lei cleared her throat and replied "15"

He smiled at her amused "Really?" He eyed her up and down smirking "You look much older"

If only she knew..

~

"I was 15, and he was 26" Lei muttered, their chairs now touching. Lei rested her head on Bada's shoulder and closed her eyes, Bada caressing her hand

"I was young and dumb" she continued "and he was older and manipulative. He took advantage of my age and innocence to mold me into what he wanted me to be."

Bada's nails dug into the chair, and her grip tightened. She clenched her jaw so harshly that she could feel the tension in her jaw muscles "Who's that man"

Lei sighed "The famous Kim Jihoon, Korea's pride, funny title if they only knew"

This hit Bada like a brick. Suddenly, all the rumors she had heard among some trainees made more sense. Bada had met him many times, and he had always been nice, but there was always this weird feeling about him. It was like something was off and not quite right.

"At first, he started buying me drinks and snacks during practice. Then it turned more serious he began gifting me jewelry. Months went by and we started dating. I was on cloud 9 from happiness, everything felt perfect. I thought I was going to debut, and I was dating every girl's dream boy."

Bada bit her lip at Lei's confession, feeling a mixture of anger and sadness.

2017

Jihoon sat next her, smiling as he looked at her. "You look so cute like this. You should make your hair into little buns more often" he ran his thumb over her cheek gently, making her smile.

"It makes me look so childish though" Lei replied, feeling embarrassed.

"Nah, you look pretty, you're a big girl" he said, leaning in close and brushing her cheek with his lips. Jihoon pressed his body close to hers, but he immediately backed away when some of the other girls entered the hallway. They instantly began to giggle and greet him with playful flirtatious smiles, and he smiled back.

Lei felt a pang of jealousy and envy as she witnessed this, feeling completely insecure compared to these pretty girls. They were older than her, way prettier and about to debut soon. Everything Jihoon was looking in a girl

"Can't let them see us, right?" Jihoon laughed teasing her, and Lei's smile fell

She was his, but he was never hers

~

"We had been dating for a year, and I often felt uncomfortable with some things he wanted me to do. I just felt so confused because he was older and wiser, and he was an idol. He always used that as his excuse whenever I questioned him." Lei's hands began to shake as she tried to explain the emotions and situation she had been in.

Bada closed her eyes, trying to hold back her tears. She placed an arm around Lei's shoulder and reassured her "It's not your fault-"

"It is, it was always my fault"

2017

Jihoon slammed the practice door and shouted, "What the fuck Lei?"

Lei took a step back, her hands shaking behind her back, feeling nervous and scared. She tried to get her words out but her mouth was dry and she felt too overwhelmed to respond.

Jihoon cursed again and began to brush his hair with his hands. "I told you not to talk to me in front of the others. God you're so stupid and immature"

Lei said quietly and sniffled "Im sorry, please don't leave me"

Jihoon frowned and sighed, pulling her closer to him and wiping away her tears. "Im sorry for yelling but it was your fault baby, you made me really mad" he continued "But I'll forgive you"

Lei whispered "Why do you never talk to me when we're around other people?"

He placed his hand under her chin, gently lifting her face towards him. "They can't know about us because then they'll say that you debuted because of me"

Jihoon placed a sweet kiss to her forehead, and he looked at her with a playful grin. "We don't want that to happen, right? So let's keep it a secret."

'He's older Lei, he knows what he's doing'

He moved to kiss her lips, but she quickly turned her head away. She didn't know why she felt so uncomfortable with making out with him, but she has to, other girls would let him do things like this "I'm sorry Jihoon I don't really want to-"

He looked at her with a smirk "Shh it's okay don't worry. I know you're inexperienced, but it's okay. We'll take things slowly and learn together."

~

"He used me in so many ways, and I just let him. Chenle was so against our relationship, and I told him I broke up with him just to get him off my back." Lei explained, feeling a mix of guilt and shame

Bada's mind was flooded with so many emotions. She wanted to hug Lei, kill that motherfucker and burn down YG Entertainment.

"I noticed that he would always ask for my lyrics journal and I gave it to him since I thought it wasn't a big deal. But he never gave it back to me. One day I was at the cafe when I heard his newest song playing. I recognized it instantly because it was my song that I've written."

Lei paused and took a deep breath, Bada squeezed her hand in comfort. "His whole album was filled with songs I wrote, he changed nothing. I was so angry that I texted him saying that I'll tell Yang HyunSuk about what he did."

"Three hours later, I got called to his office, where Jihoon was also present. Jihoon started accusing me of selling his songs and leaking information, and even stalking him. Everything he said to Yang HyunSuk, he believed it without a doubt. Yang HyunSuk offered me two options: they can sue for stalking and selling their songs, or I can leave the entertainment and the country for at least five years and the police won't get involved"

Bada sighed sadly and rubbed her face, feeling awful for the girl "So you chose to leave"

Bada felt sick, her girlhood, her dream everything was taken away from her. Lei didn't deserve what she went through, at such a young age

"I had no choice but to leave," Lei replied softly, smiling faintly at Bada "We weren't financially stable, and in this society, who do you think they would believe?"

She shook her head sadly. "A man who's admired by everyone or a young girl who no one knows? They would never choose the girl."

"I went back to my parents after everything and worked for a year before coming here to live alone. It wasn't easy, but I made it work because I had to. I wanted to continue pursuing my dream but I couldn't. I just had to move on and let it go"

She was so used to this pain that it became normal to her. But damn did she feel sorry for herself

She was young

Bada quickly wiped away the tear rolling down her cheek before Lei could see it. She then took her hand and gently held Lei’s face, making her look at her directly.

"You were just a kid, and you didn't deserve that. He was 26. And I don't want you to blame yourself, it was never your fault."

Lei gave a quick nod of her head, trying to fight back her tears.

Bada pulled her closer and hugged her tightly. She whispered in her ear "I'm so sorry you went through this alone. But you did it in the end, and I'm super proud of you."

Lei held her firmly as well, hugging her as close as their chairs would allow them to. Neither of them minded the uncomfortable seating position and just wanted to stay like that

"And when my hiatus is over, If you want, we can go together in Korea. I'll be by your side so you can finally speak up and tell your story. Everyone deserves to hear it from the heart."

Bada whispers this in Lei’s ear with a gentle voice "And you can't hide your talent" Bada said as she pulled away from the hug and logged in on the computer. "Why stop your dream for a fucked up man, his life is going to get destroyed either way? You can get your songs back and sing them like they're supposed to, and we'll make sure everyone knows the truth and knows that you deserve better."

Lei nodded softly and let out a small, broken chuckle. "I'm sorry this turned depressing so quickly"

Lei clicked on her YG files and pointed to one of the songs "I wrote this after I realized everything he did to me"

"Can I hear it?" Bada asked

Lei didn't reply, she just played the song, Bada listened carefully from the start to the end. Each word was like a knife in her gut

She felt sick

[aleksanderscult]

Here's the text. I couldn't send it in a reply to your message. After re-reading this scene, Zoya's attitude is even worse than I remembered

Thank you for bringing it to my attention!

So this passage is from chapter 6 of "King of Scars" and Nikolai just showed Zoya a small picture of his true biological father, Magnus Opjer.

Right you are, Nikolai.

Alina is not the best to expect comfort from, that's true. But Zoya is the last on the list of "people that would show empathy towards you"

And then how Zoya reacted? She immediately grabbed the picture from his hands and threw it into the flames.

Is empathy in the room with us, guys??

What happened to the old fashioned words of comfort and a hug?

You hear that, Nikolai?? You must become as heartless as her! Why do you still have feelings like a normal person?? Jeez...

(friendly reminder: they are considered an amazing ship too!)

Yeah.... And if the Darkling had also said: "What is a mortal king to another king who can summon shadows?" while he was under the service of so many countless Kings his head would be sent flying.

Apparently we have forgotten the fact that Nikolai is the absolute power and sovereign in this country and Zoya just a subordinate.

Under normal circumstances, no one would dare to throw into the fire a prized and important possession of the King but in this universe Zoya can do as she pleases with no repercussions. Her words are treated as wisdom from the narrative and her actions an attempt to "protect" him.

In this case, the reader feels no sense of power from Nikolai since Zoya is treated almost the same way from everyone in that palace.

I'm pretty sure you did not according to the law but okay, beautiful, whatever helps you, characters, sleep better at night. 🤷

You are also sworn to obey him, to remember your place and to do nothing without his command but what do I know? I'm not Zoya.

And people call the Darkling cruel lmao

Thank you for making him feel increasingly better, Zoya.

My brother in Christ, you have been perpetually forgiving towards at least 6-7 characters ever since you were introduced to us. Stop threating through words and be active for once in your stupid character arc!

Thank you again, friend, for bringing this instance to my asks. It's just confirmation that whatever Zoya does has no consequences, she's insensitive and spoiled and once again Nikolai remains inactive.

Hope I never hear any of you guys from now on say that it was only the Darkling that "lost his humanity".

[patheticpaprika]

Goncharov: Fandom's Struggle Between Fanon vs. Canon and How That's Created A Mythos Rivaling The Greeks

A tag ramble to this post that got away from me and became too long to feel okay putting in the tags lol. It can be easily read as a stand alone though.

It's absolutely FASCINATING to me being able to both watch and participate in the Goncharov (?)fandom(?). It's taking everything that fandom culture is and letting it run free without any barriers to stop it.

Because frankly, I can't think of anything (to my knowledge) quite like it in recent history to reach such a scale. Both the ability to write stories down and the rise of copyright have had a significant impact on the way stories are told. We went from a storytelling culture that slowly evolved each story told by the person telling it, to one that is very close-handed to the narratives created.

And yes, to some extent, this twisting and evolving still happens in fandoms to the point that fanon and canon can become so separated it feels jarring. But that's just it isn't it? There always remains the canon. That will always be the true story. Fanfiction will forever be fanfiction, no matter how much we want it to be "real." You can whittle away at the narrative to shape it into something more appealing, but it will always be stuck as a block of wood.

Yet, the very fact that fanon exists proves that we never lost that want to change stories and make them a little bit our own. All that we lost was the medium to do so. Evolve something too far, and it won't be the same, will it? We're stuck in the confines of "canon."

I have seen fanfiction of fanfiction before, but it tends to quite quickly pitter out without its own foundation to stand upon. More can be added to the universe, but what's there does not change. It does not evolve the way a story passed down orally does; in a story spoken, the canon is forced to slowly change by the memory and style of the speaker. A classic game of telephone.

Goncharov however? There is no original story; there is no true canon. Not only is the story evolving freely from storyteller to storyteller, but the only reason there is even a coherent story in the first place is that there are multiple storytellers weaving the tale at once yet also expecting you to fill in the gaps.

It's like we're all playing that one writing game where each person writes a sentence back and forth to create a story. Yet, instead of you and one friend, we're playing it on this gargantuan sitewide scale that can't possibly all be connected into a singular coherent narrative. But you're not supposed to be able to. Each person can choose what they want to know it as. It's like some big giant exploratory choose-your-own-adventure book. The framework is there, but it's going in 50 different directions and you can always add another one in just for fun. You discover the story as you read, but only the bits you like get added on.

It's fucking incredible.

We all see each piece of media through our own personal lenses but never like this?? Not to this extent. We're all collectively joining together to obsess over the little ideas in our heads we got from each other's prompts and are excitedly spewing them regardless of how contradictory they are. We do something similar brainstorming with others but not with 12k messages in a single day.

Would this have even been possible before the rise of social media? Not to mention the strong sense of community Tumblr has that is so rare to see with such a large amount of people. There's more people than you could ever know on this site but we all act like some deranged extended family. Yes, people can work together but so rarely do people that vary so greatly in personality and life experiences, get together in such larger numbers to do a little silly goofy CREATE AN ENTIRE STORY THAT DOESN'T EXIST.

We pull shenanigans like this all the time. But this time it's not like eeby deeby or even the mishapocolyse; this time we're seeing the power of an entire community working together to create not only layers and layers of memes but layers of memes shaping an entire mythos. It's like we're the Greeks thinking up stories of our gods but instead it's a homoerotic mafia movie from 1973 written by Matteo JWHJ 0715 and Martin Scorsese that all started with a picture of a shoe.

We have stumbled across something fascinating and new. This may not be the first mafia movie that's been thought up and played around with but this is absolutely the first to be created by thousands of people working together but also towards their own individual goal/story. We're seeing the power that created mythology being wielded by fandom culture, and it's letting it evolve like no other story has.

It's free from the confines of prescribed canon, but there is so much being created that can be canon if you want it to be. This isn't changing one by one like some spoken tale towards exponential growth either. This has been created like one spectacular big bang. We had a funny post of a boot, and then we had a poster and that was enough to make Tumblr go collectively insane. (Not that we weren't already.) I want to (politely) shake all of you by the shoulders till everyone realizes how crazy this all is.

This story is ours, all of ours. Goncharov (1973) is held together by the power of belief and love for it. We have fragments of canon, yes, but it only exists because we want it to. And God-damn it, I hope we do it again. Together we can create things that we'd never thought could exist (and in this case still doesn't).

-We- are strong. Please never forget that.

As it now 6am and I have not slept, I will leave you with a quote; Goncharov's final solemn plea as he slowly bled to death, for I feel it's in an odd way rather fitting.

"What is the dust but a remnant of what we once were, all around us coated with it.

But we brush it away in search of something else. Not everything that mattered once matters now.

Yet you seem to think that's the only way, just keep dusting it.

You never stop to think that some things we search for might not be worth keeping.

Nothing has meaning unless we continue to think it does.

So please... I beg of you, can't we just move on and let this sickening contempt between us dissolve into dust?"

[personasintro]

I have never seen asks from writers themselves so here are some words from a writer to a writer.

I am the type of writer who likes to torture her characters with constant angst and the kind of reader that gets bored when the main couple gets together too soon. I am like, "Oh, so what now? We should await an upcoming tragedy at least...right?". So I like the fact your characters can't seem to take a break from intense moments haha. We love our characters, but we also appreciate a rough journey from which they come out stronger. I, also, like flaws. I like the realism thrown into their personalities (but not necessarily on the worldbuilding. Always depends on the book genre), making them do all kind of embarrassing or any kind of mistakes, because we are writing about humans. My protagonist will be likable by me when they fail a lot, not when luck comes banging on their door, making them special. So, I love how not only Y/N has flaws but Jungkook also has a right in them. Readers sometimes like the male character to be flawless and the protagonist is always excused but that's unfair. If I were Jungkook, perhaps I'd react a lot worse and that is to be expected. So, Jungkook is a nice balance of a flawed human and a perfect friend. We have different type of flaws and traits depending on each of our social roles. He raises standards while remaining humane. And that's how you write characters realistically. So, I've read about your opinion on keeping your plot yours and not be affected by what the readers want to read and I couldn't agree more. End it the way you want, 'cause that's the thing with uploading books online; people think they have a say on your work. Traditionally, if this was written and published, people would have it completed on their hands, only capable of giving feedback, not orders on how to end it. Lastly, I really like your writing style. I like details on expressions, actions and thoughts, even body language and you always deliver. I loved the last chapter, it was a break from the smut and to me, that's another smart way to keep the events going ;) Otherwise, we'd go back to the same type of chapters. Keep up the good work and always write for the pleasure! -K (In case I write again, I'm leaving my mark haha)

I’ve been planning to respond to this ask for the longest time ever and I’m sorry I only got to it now 🥺

This is (hands down) one of the loveliest messages I’ve received in a while. It’s so precious to hear nice things from anyone, but it’s rare to hear it from another writer. I’m aware most of us can relate to things some readers might not & I’m very grateful that you’ve reached out to me! It truly means a lot and it’s like a piece of calmness to my heart 🪷

Just huge thank you that you get it! There’s nothing for me to add, you’ve written it all 💘 Once again, thank you! And I do hope I’ll hear from you again K!

[suffersinfandom]

So. Magic.

[Text of an AO3 comment, cropped to leave out the writer: "I finally got a chance to finish S2 (unspoiled!) and came directly to this document after to devour its contents. But by the very first chapter I was taken aback by the concept that anyone in the world thinks Izzy's death is permanent. Did we even watch the same show? You can ignore literally every excellent piece of analysis here if you want - the fact remains that Buttons turned into a bird, through magic, in the third(?) episode, it never got mentioned again beyond maybe one throwaway line, and then that bird returns to Izzy's grave marker in the very last scene (other than the end stinger). There is zero reason for that to happen other than foreshadowing for Izzy/Buttons/magic/resurrection stuff to occur in S3 (if it hasn't already). What, do they think that Buttons was just super sad and paying his respects? I have like less than zero media analysis skills, I noticed basically nothing of what you pointed out in this entire document on my own, and yet I STILL picked up that there's more going on here."]

The thing is.

The thing is.

IS magic real in the world of OFMD?

I believe in my heart of hearts that Buttons is a seawitch who transmogrified himself into a seagull and I believe that cunty suit was cursed as heck, but I don't think that magic is strictly, technically, literally meant to be understood as real in OFMD.

(I know there are a few posts about the show's magic, so apologies if I rehash a half-remembered idea. Feel free to leave a link if you have any of those posts handy!)

OFMD's world is full of little magic. The Caribbean is easily traversed; people can find each other with no real issues (or avoid detection when that suits the story better); time and space are all hand-wavey. The world operates on vibes and convenience. If something needs to happen for the story's sake, it just does. Don't worry about it.

The show's big magic works the same way: we can analyze and try to parse out how stuff happens, but we're not asked to. Is the suit cursed or is Frenchie just allergic to peanuts? Did Stede bring Ed back to life or was Ed in a head injury-induced coma? Did Buttons turn into a bird or did an addled Ed lose track of Buttons in the woods? It doesn't matter, don't worry about it! What matters is that Stede (kind of) learned a lesson about listening to his crew and respecting their beliefs. What matters is that Stede's presence gave Ed the push he needed to save himself. What matters is the message behind Buttons' transformation: people can change.

The show's magic has some rules. When it comes to the big magic, there's always a logical out -- a way to explain it away and keep the story more-or-less grounded in reality. OFMD isn't going to give us some big, literal, onscreen magic act. It's not going to tell us that the Gravy Basket is an actual metaphysical location that souls swing by and anyone can be called back from. It's not going to show Izzy mystically resurrected after we saw him die a bloody death right in front of us.

Let's look at Buttons' transmogrification.

It's important that Ed is the only witness to his change because Ed is explicitly set up as an unreliable POV character in S2E4. We are told, in three different ways, that we can't trust what he sees (and what we see through him).

First: Roach, the closest thing we have to a medical professional, says that Ed is half-dead and brain-scrambled. His mind isn't right.

Second: Buttons says that Ed has one foot in the Gravy Basket and isn't entirely present. (Side note, but I don't think that Buttons using the term "gravy basket" is meant to establish it as an actual place. I believe this line is just meant to set up Ed as witness to the transformation; we don't need to read too much into Buttons, the character who Knows Things when convenient, saying it. Or, if you want to ground this in reality, you can assume that Buttons has talked about the Gravy Basket before and Ed subconsciously picked up on it.)

Third: Ed refers to a rabbit as a wolf, confirming that, yeah, he's having some issues with reality. Like, we don't really think that Ed can't identify a rabbit, right? I know the guy spends his time primarily on the ocean, but he's a genius who does, sometimes, set foot on land.

So Ed's out of it, and not even he has eyes on Buttons when the transformation is meant to occur. One minute we have a chanting Buttons, the next we have a seagull flapping around his transmogrification vessel. We all know that seagull is Buttons and he's off to make sweet love to the sea, but also... do we?

What matters is that Ed believes he saw a man turn into a bird so he could better love the sea. That's it! Ed, someone who desperately needed proof that people can change -- that he and Stede can change -- has that proof and can truly start healing. It's beautiful and I love it, ten out of ten, five stars, no notes.

If we're lucky enough to get a season three with Ewen Bremner in it, I fully expect a butt-naked Buttons to show up with absolutely no explanation. Maybe we get a few little wink-wink nudge-nudge moments hinting to his time as a seagull, but straight confirmation that magic is real would break the rules the show has established.

Anyway. All of this is really just my way of saying that Izzy's dead and it'd be extremely fucking weird and world-breaking if he crawled out of his grave thanks to bird magic.

[cakepoppresent]

Consider This an Early Retirement

The day is finally here. The dreaded shareholders meeting. Gideon is seated with the other members of the board. His father and grandfather are seated across from him looking smug and proud. It's only a matter of minutes. "We'll get things started"

Viktor: The most important part of this meeting is to discuss my grandson Gideon who is expected to be next in line. He will take over with the expectation that he marries Miss Wagner bringing both families together, which will benefit everyone's pockets

There is silence in the boardroom. The Wagner family is small but they have access to a lot of prime land in Windenburg. Being able to have access to those lands would lead to fatter wallets for everyone involved. Everyone has their own thoughts.

Viktor: If everyone agrees for Gideon to take over his father say aye so we can continue with the meeting.

Of the 6 people seated in the boardroom, only 1 voiced their agreement. Victor's jaw tenses in anger and glares at the remaining members whose silence infuriates Viktor

Viktor: What's the meaning of this? I thought we all want the same thing?

The silence is deafening, no one answers or looks directly at Victor there is nothing to say. They know what the real issue is. Viktor heart drops, something isn't right and he looks straight at Gideon.

Gideon stares right back at him, cold and confident. That little shit did something and Victor has no idea what is happening. Gideon finally speaks up

Gideon: I'm going to have to disagree. I'm not a pawn that can be used and what gives you the ability to make that decision?

Viktor: I'm your grandfather and a major shareholder of course I have the power to do what needs to be done

Gideon: I don't think that statement is accurate"

At that moment Ren steps in and places a file in front of Viktor. "According to that file, you don't have the majority of the shares"

Viktor: What are you talking about?? Our family built this company from the ground up. What did you do?"

Gideon stays silent and Ren sends out a message, in a moment Daisuke steps into the boardroom. Viktor eyes snap up to Daisuke and barks out "Who the hell are you?"

Gideon gets up from his seat and Daisuke takes over and adjusts his suit, once comfortable he addresses Viktor

Daisuke: If you read the file in front of you, my name is listed as a board member with the most shares

Viktor: What the hell did you say?

Daisuke: Ren please explain

Ren: Mr. Takahashi has accumulated the shares of Gideon, his mother and a few members of the board have also sold their shares to Mr. Takahashi. meaning he has a total of 52% of the shares, making him have controlling power

Viktor's head is buzzing, ears ringing "Gideon?"

Gideon: We don't have controlling power anymore, if we combine all the remaining shares in the Williams name it's nothing. Daisuke has a few changes he plans on making

Daisuke: Gideon is right, whatever merger with the Wanger family is dissolved. We won't be needing their assistance. Secondly, your obsession with your grandson's marriage partner along with your son's (Emerson) inability to make any impact makes me question if you still need your positions. With that being said my first suggestion would be to remove you and Mr. Emerson from your positions effectively immediately and Gideon will be your replacement. All in favour say please raise your hands"

The remaining members in the board room silently raise their hands

Daisuke: Perfect. I appreciate all the effort you have put into the company so far. I will make sure to take it even further. If anyone has any questions please direct them to Ren as we get everything in order. This meeting is over" Dasiuke adjusts his suit and leaves the meeting.

The boardroom is left in an awkward silence the Williams family imploded in such a quick and ruthless manner. There are no words of comfort or assurance for Emerson and Viktor, as everyone slowly leaves the meeting.

Viktor: Gideon you little shit, how dare you

Gideon: I made it clear to drop your obsession with my marriage. I told you if you keep pushing there will be consequences

Emerson: Is Grayson worth all this? You ruined us, what are we going to do now

Gideon: Mom and I will be fine. I hope you and Grandad can figure something out. Consider this an early retirement, maybe you can enjoy your final days in Tomorang.

Gideon leaves them alone in the boardroom still in shock about what happened. They were fired?

[icarustypicalfall]

morning astethtic?

i don't see people talking often about this astethtic.. im about to change that. <3

i understand some people don't like getting up early. But, darling, the early mornings are litterly superior than any other moments of the day.

I'll tell you why..

most pictures of Pinterest unless indicated so :)

I personally believe that the blue hour is the best time of a day..

(it have been affecting most of my personality and writings lately 🩶)

the blue hour is basically a brief window just before sunrise or after sunset, where the remaining sunlight takes on a mostly blue shade.

picture this, not only getting to witness a Beautiful sunset (mind you every sunrise is different) but also enjoying the calm and quiet weather, the dark blue slowly fading as the daylights creep through the sky. The clouds turning into an orange pinkish mess. The hot drinks while feeling a cold breeze creep against your skin, as you sit on the board of your window and watch the nature follow it's waking up ritual from centuries.

<3

the fog on your window, the cold floor under your feet as you try to not wake anyone, after all, you mastered this art of enjoying the silence on your own.

aren't you greedy for keeping this beauty to yourself, or are you one of the few blessed ones who figured out that we miss life's best moments when we blink an eye?

The soft music playing in your headphones as you sip your drink, thinking about life, love or even simple matters like what to have for lunch? as simple as it is, it'll roll in your mind, over and over in the same cadence.

As you watch the clouds head to the nowhere, the silliest thoughts will haunt you, do they ever meet again, will clouds ever reach you, living in the other side of the planet, or will i watch this bunny shaped cloud by myself and think of you?

I genuinely belive this hour was a gift, having the world for yourself, thinking about anything and everything while watching the other fellow humans be late for this moment, as if late for a shift you'll never get grounded for missing. But, over the years, you'll realize how many shifts you missed, how many opportunities you could have snitched, how many times you could've changed, yet you never did.

As you sit in silence, you can't help but feel this superiority, of knowing, of witnessing something many lived and died ignoring it.

As simple as it is, it's perfect for doing anything on your mind, from writing that one book to doing all of your assignments.

And when i tell you, you'll have plenty of time in your hands, you might even finish crime and punishment in one sitting.

(someone confirm this please)

think about it, was this just an early morning astethtic, or was this a message?

i am sure by now, darling, you realized it's not about missing a sunset, but about missing your lifetime. we all have some ups and downs, we can go to sleep exhausted and miss the sunset, which can be referrer to as a missed opportunity, but, fear not, you still have time, you can change. when you go to sleep tonight, i want you to think about what you read, and when you wake up for the Blue hour, i want you to know I'll be awake too, and I'll keep you company.

Before i go, I'll leave you with two gifts, because gou made it this far and didn't rebelog or like without reading (tysm if you did, but why not reading it hum?)

"Carpe Diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary."

dead poets society

my fav pic i took once :3

[azullumi]

okay okay— hear me out, what about streamer kaveh dating popular streamer s/o in secret and the only reason they get found out is cause of kaveh forgetting to turn off his camera and they're acting all lovey dovey on stream LOL i can't help but think how he'd explain to a chat that's moving so fast

summary — kaveh is way too loving and... careless.

pairing — kaveh/gender-neutral reader

tags — fluff, modern, established relationship, steamer x streamer, not proofread ; headcanons

words — 1520

note — my alarm didn't wake me up;;; but anyways, i really loved the request anon :D i had so much fun writing it though i guess it was a little bit rush and i could have done better. but anyways, here! i hope you'll like it!

"Bye, everyone! I hope you all had a great time! Thanks for stopping by and I'll see you all next time."

You enthusiastically waved at the camera, smiling as your eyes scanned the chat that was going too fast, trying to read all of the messages that were being sent. Your eyes could only recognize the word "goodbye" in different variations being commonly sent and after a few moments, you stopped the stream—closing the camera and taking off your headphones before you stood up and stretched your back that was aching after only remaining seated for so long.

It was yet another normal day for you, streaming on a platform or website for hours as you were a well-known streamer and content creator, a lot of people's favorites and especially famous on the internet.

"I'm a little bit hungry," Perhaps it was because you only ate a few since you really couldn't leave your seat and that it was nearly dinnertime also; it was already 6:47 in the evening.

Although the work can be exhausting and repetitive at times, you were having fun and clearly enjoying what you were doing—aside from the fact that you get to earn a lot of money to sustain yourself, your needs and your wants, you were also greatly loved and cherished by your fans and most especially, by your boyfriend, Kaveh.

You decided to check up on him, walking out of your room to head to his that was only steps away from yours since you're under the same roof. As you approached and near his door, his voice and chatter was getting more and more clearer and louder, you could even make out some of what he was saying.

"...Are you…"

"I have… Lovely…"

"Show them? I don't want to. Why? They're way too beautiful for your eyes."

"Just say that you're lying and you don't actually have… Hey! I swear, I'm not lying—" He paused once his eyes glanced at the door, in the direction of where you were standing. You noticed how his eyes sparkled and his expression brightened once he saw you, making you smile and your heart flutter upon seeing the small yet noticeable change.

Are you okay?—you mouthed and gestured to him, avoiding to be heard by his audience as he was streaming live as of the moment. A nod before he spoke in a low voice, "I'll be finished in a moment, wait for me."

You could only give him a thumbs up and a smile before you leaned against the wall, watching him as he calls it a day, finishing his stream and saying goodbye to everyone. You approached him—once you concluded that he's already done with it as he took off his headphones—having no restrictions or worries that you might be seen by anyone.

"How are you, sweetheart? Did you miss me?" The blonde-haired man greets you, pulling you to his lap and pushing the strands of hair on your face behind your ear. He gave your forehead a kiss that made you melt in the hold of his hand on your waist and the caress of the other on your cheek and you let out a hum before responding: "I'm good but I missed you."

It was known that the two of you have a significant other but nobody knows who it is nor you were one another's lover, the only known fact is that both of you are in a loving and healthy relationship. There was no reason—aside from just privacy reasons to avoid nosy people sticking their ass up in your businesses—for you two to be hiding it but I guess you could say that it was the better?

"Archons, it's only been a few hours—" He laughs, looking at you with eyes beaming with adoration, love, and care as if his gaze was touching on your soul, and he places yet another kiss on your temple before continuing, "—You're so needy. What even will happen if we won't see each other for a day?"

You couldn't help but roll your eyes upon hearing what he said and another soft chuckle was pulled out of his throat. "I was kidding, okay? I'm sorry, don't be angry at me."

He sounds like a puppy who got scolded by his owner and if it's not for the teasing smile on his face, you would have thought of him as one already.

"Whatever. What's for dinner today?"

"Hm, are you craving for something?"

You went into a quick thought, "I have nothing in mind. Should we just order takeout?"

"If that's what you want, sure. Let's just rest up a bit before we order, I know that you're still tired."

You only nodded as an answer, resting your head on his shoulder as you closed your eyes which had been strained and hurt after only being exposed to the computer for hours. The moment between you two was silent with only the sound of your light breathing against one another and a sigh that slips from his lips—a smile tugged on the corners of your mouth as the feeling of warmth, comfort, and happiness wells up in your chest.

You flutter your eyelids open, your eyesight adjusting to the brightness of the computer screen, seeing yourself on it and some rapid stream of texts—Wait.

"Kaveh…"

"Kaveh."

"Kaveh!"

It is only when you whisper shouted his name that he responded to you, confusion trailing his tone as he knits his eyebrows.

"What? What is—"

His voice came at a complete halt when he also turned his head to the sight of his monitor, seeing what made you urgently call out to him in such a panicked voice.

The camera was turned on and you could see the projection of you two on the screen being lovey-dovey and sweet to another, and a spam of messages on the side—blood rushed up to your face, embarrassed and feeling shy, and you hide yourself with the man's chest as you listened to him frantically trying to explain, if you even call what he's doing as that.

"At least now we have proof that you really have someone—You're quite a positive person, aren't you?"

"I can't read any of the chats! Slow down, will you?"

"It's (Name)? Yes, it's them, do you have a problem with it?"

"Congratulations on your relationship, I hope that the two of you will have more happiness to come—Awww, thank you so much user LetMeCryInTheCorner!"

"Wait—fuck—How do I even explain it to you guys?"

"You don't have to explain everything when we've already seen how sweet you two are—Ah, whatever then! I'll see you guys next time. Go to sleep, pay attention to your homework, or anything!"

It seems like he has totally given up on it as he just stopped the stream and turned off the camera completely—this time he was sure that he really did—before bringing his attention back to you who has calmed down for a bit from what you feel, bringing yourself back to the grounds of reality.

"Now what?"

"What do you mean now what? We're going to order some food." He says as if everything was normal and nothing happened which induced a reaction to smack him from you.

"Ouch! What was that for?!"

"You're too careless and calm!"

He received a glare from you and he laughed—softly and gently like he was soothing your worries and scrambled thoughts, reassuring you that everything is fine and there is nothing to worry about—it''s honestly strange how he's so collected right now knowing how he often panics and thinks over the small things but I guess it didn't really matter, the publicity of your relationship with him, I mean. It's not like the two of you made a pact to keep it a secret.

You just heaved a sigh, releasing the unnecessary things that plagues your mind, "Well, now they know."

"And? Just let them know."

He leans his face close to you, lips only inches away from each other that you could feel his warm breath fanning your skin, and spoke before capturing you in a loving kiss:

"Let them know that I belong to you."

—

Bonus:

"Wow, they're rejoicing for me because it turns out that I wasn't lying after all."

Kaveh rolled his eyes when he saw the reaction of everyone on social media upon knowing you and his relationship with each other. The internet was bombarded with news about you two dating, a lot of questions being raised, and everything—It was all and only about him and you.

He places his phone down the bedside table before returning his gaze back to your sleeping figure turned to him, watching your relaxed and soft expression, and he sighs to himself, scooting closer to you and wrapping his arm around your waist.

It didn't matter anyways. He just loves you so much and as long as nothing will interfere and get in the way of your happiness, as long as you're okay and happy, as long as he gets to hold you close, then everything is fine.

© azullumi — do not plagiarize, copy, repost, nor translate any of my works.