#even with my health journey and my parents it’s just me constantly trying to fix everything

[flowachild]

anyway going to ~feel my feelings~

[lydiaas]

Kie is so stubborn and it will prob take a lot to mend the relationship with her parents after the Kitty Hawk thing, but I almost feel like a small part of her accepted defeat for a minute like, maybe I do deserve this. They don’t want me, they want to fix me, am I really that terrible? Obviously her main feelings though were that the place was wack and she needed to get out and she was happy to leave when JJ came. I just mean there’s a lot to unpack with that decision Mike and Anna made. It changed a lot for the 3 of them. For JJ even. He was shocked and pissed and was done with her parents when he found out.

I also think that sending her away broke the bridge between her and her parents in her mind. I think she does love them and was trying with them in season 3. But When she got home I imagine she was like no, I’m not going home. It will clearly never work with my parents. They won’t accept me, they didn’t want me to begin with and I only disappoint them and ruin their lives, they just need to let me go and I’ll live my life. I really hope they show or explain the progression of all this playing out. I think kies dynamic with her parents and the kook vs pogue worlds is so interesting and has been since season 1.

Yeah there must be a part of her that internalised it all. To be told constantly that you're not living up to their expectations and not living the life they want for you, the one they've worked so hard to give you. That would do a number on anyone. I think of how melancholy she is in 2x03 when she confides in JJ about them wanting to send her away. There's stubbornness but also such deep hurt that they don't see her for who she is.

We have heard of how depressed she was at the Kook Academy (another really interesting thread that we don't know enough about) and I think in a darker timeline, where she was stuck at Kitty Hawk for longer, it would have been really easy for her to fall into that dark hole again. How irrevocably her parents would have damaged her mental health if JJ had not found her when he did. What a scary thing for her to be facing down in that isolation cabin.

Cutting off your parents is so hard. One of the hardest things some people go through. For that reason, I've always appreciated seeing Kie give them chances. She craves their love like any child does. Like a part of JJ does with Luke and John B with Big John and Sarah with Ward. So while seeing her draw a hard line in the sand with them in S4 would be so satisfying I also think exploring that push and pull is the way to go. I don't necessarily want redemption of the Carrera's but, as you've said, seeing some progression in that story is necessary. If Kie does cut them out completely what does that look like and what is her journey with that? Sending her away, having her relive that trauma after being open with them about it, feels like such an insurmountable gap and I think we deserve to see Kie figure out if that can even be closed or if she needs to/can walk away for good.

[zoellajulien]

come upon morning

(Peter Parker x Reader)

angst - words: 2.1k

OPEN ENDING BELOW

"Alright! Enough from you!" Your friend laughed loudly as he smacked your other friend in the back of the head, turning to face you. "It's your turn. Give us all the details!"

You shifted awkwardly, laughing and rubbing your arms for comfort. The conversation happening between your group was on the subject of 'the ones who got away', which you all had experience in. "Fine, fine. Just be quiet and sit down!"

A hush fell over the room as you opened a book and pulled some photos out of the page. Curiosity spread as the photos were passed around for everyone to look at.

"Why do you keep these on that page?" One friend asked, looking over your shoulder at the highlighted text.

"I keep them close to a quote on it. It says 'you'll always be mine, in the back of my mind. I'll look for you in my next life.' I found this quote when I was in a dark place, and it reminded me of him. Because that's how I'll always feel." You explained to them, passing another picture around.

In the photo, the boy had a straw taped badly to his head with a ridiculous smile spread across his face. His nose was wrinkled too, adding to the joyous atmosphere the picture captured. His brown curls were splattered across his head and face in a mess, along with a hastily put-in butterfly clip. You felt warmth blooming inside you while looking at it. Your friends laughed at the picture, pointing out various (but positive) things about him to one another.

"What are you doing? You look ridiculous!"

"I'm a unicorn! You should be a unicorn too!"

"Wait until Tony sees this. No- I am not sticking a straw to my forehead like a crackhead!"

"Psh, you don't know what you're missing, then!"

"That boy was my whole world. We were best friends before we lovers, but we always did everything together. One time, we both failed an exam on accident, and celebrated! We drove around for hours just because." You reminisced.

"Dude, one kid sitting next to me was all 'I got this in the bag! Studied all night long!'" Peter chuckled, pushing his curls from his face with the hand that held yours. He pushed his lips against your knuckles softly.

"Are you serious? Dude, if you can't even pass the exam, then everyone else definitely failed. Their ego was 100% bruised afterward, I'm sure of it." You snickered, blushing as your eyes cast over his form. His skin glowed from the kiss of sunset colors. "Hey! Careful! You almost hit that bird! Ugh, your driving is the worst!"

Peter's laugh brought a smile to your lips as you teased him, knowing full-well you drove much worse than he did. Poking his side with your finger to tease him more, he squirmed away and began to make faces.

"Oi! I'm trying to keep us alive! Stop that!" He snickered.*

"I hope you know that we are absolutely not listening to this song! My turn to control the cord!" You cheered, snatching his phone away.

"What? No! I'm the driver, I control the music!"

"In your dreams, Parker! And don't take your eyes off the freaking road, you health-hazard of a human being!"

"Oh, please! I drive better than you do! And either way, you know you love me!"

"That, yes, that is very true. I can not deny that." You giggled with a happy sigh.

"What else did you guys do?"

"So much! We went on great adventures and vacations together but also enjoyed simple moments. One day, I was frustrated with everything so I started crying on the kitchen floor when the empty pot slipped from my hand." You laughed at yourself, shaking your head. "He came in with a sympathetic heart and dumped a bunch of pots on the floor. At first, I got even angrier. Because, hello, that was a huge mess! But then he started constructing them together on a mat and grabbed two dowels for the both of us."

Peter cursed when he saw your form, panicking slightly as he tried to come up with a solution to fix the sad mood you owned. The poor brunette had come in, more than ready to defend you from an attacker, after being alerted to the crashing sound of a pan hitting the tiled flooring. Trying to think quickly on his feet, he leaned past you to pick up said fallen pot along with a large group of others.

"What are you doing? I swear to god I will smash your face into the cabinet if you think I'm going to clean this up."

Peter wordlessly grabbed your hand and placed the dowel in your hand, kissing each finger as he twisted them into a fist. He reached up and brushed a piece of hair away from your face, smiling sweetly at your confused face.

"What do I need this for?" You questioned, still slightly irritated.

"What? What was he doing, exactly?"

"We actually started playing them together, on the floor. He cheered me up in less than an hour. I went from crying in frustration to crying from laughter." A blush crept its way up your body as a love-sick smile made its appearance.

Crawling on the floor, Peter gently pulled you by your empty hand next to him. A whine of protest escaped your lungs, but you eventually gave in and looked at the pots in front of you. He reached around you, his arms controlling yours. He began beating the wooden sticks against the metal and copper pots.

"I love you! I love you! My darling!" He sang out dramatically, badly playing out an improvised tune, hiding his smile when he noticed you were forcing one to hide. "My darling! She's oh-so-beautiful!"

Laughter bubbled within your chest and escaped into the air around the two of you. A smirk made its made to your boyfriend's lips at the achievement of making you happy. He pressed a kiss to your cheek before continuing his actions.

Eventually, he moved and sat beside you, using his wooden stick to bang on the pans. He laughed after you made a pun referring to the pots, shaking his head in amusement.

"Come one, sing a duet with me."

"Nooo."

Peter began singing loudly but slow enough for you to try and match his lyrics. You were pretty sure the two of you were bothering the neighbors at this point.

A bubble of snickers filled the room after someone mentioned just how in love you seemed to be even after he left.

"You see, this big teddy bear of a human being loved to travel, so one day he showed up outside my job and picked me up. We ended up driving for a long time until we had a picnic underneath the stars. I taught him a bunch of the constellations."

"Peter! C'mon, tell me where we're going! You're boring me!" You joke, shoulders shaking in laughter when you do.

"No! You can't know yet! It's called a surprise, babe!" He protests, taking one hand off the wheel and easing his foot off the accelerator. Using the empty hand he has, he pokes your side once safely stopped at a red light.

"Ugh. You're a pain. I hope you know that." You paused for a few minutes before saying: "Are we there yet?"

"We are literally still driving! Relax!"

The drive continued for another hour or so before you pulled up onto a hill that sat beside a glistening lake. By that time, it was well past midnight. You would have fallen asleep if Peter's energetic and proding, literally, personality. He sang loudly to you and was constantly poking you in the ribs, although gently.

"We've arrived! I hope you're hungry!"

After the picnic, you rested by his side, enjoying the comforting kisses he left across your face. "I love you, but I'd appreciate it if you would pay attention to my lesson!" You whined*

"Alright, Teach. What do you have for me to learn? Not math, I hope." He replied in turn with a broad smirk.

With a sharp eye-roll, you sat up, taking his finger, and pointing it at the sky. "Big dipper." You drug it over to a separate spot. "Little dipper."

"I like this lesson. Teach me more."

"He sounded amazing. What happened to you two?"

"The part of him yearning for adventure became too difficult to ignore, and he knew he needed to go. Of course, he offered for me to come with him, but my parents refused. They told me how my focus was to be on where I was going in the future, so their force kept us apart." You set down the Polaroid picture to pick up another one, this one of a car. The brunette sat on top of it, clearly singing and dancing. "The night he left was a hard one for us all. His aunt and mentor came over so we could all wish him goodbye. I was angry at my parents, but they were right. My future was very uncertain with him, especially since he didn't know where he would be going."

A stray tear made it's down your cheek, dropping onto the hoodie of his you wore. Your friend wrapped an arm over your shoulder.

"Eventually, after he packed his car for the journey and his weeping aunt gave him one last hug, I was called over. I opened the door to be closer to him and sat, looking at him. His cheeks were damp with tears, as were mine, but we smiled. He put his hand into mine and kissed me, so softly, as if I were glass."

"You look beautiful today, you know. Is that dress new?" Peter's fingers danced up your arm to cup your cheek.

"I bought it just for you, for today. I wanted you to see me looking my best, so you can remember me this way when you go."

"I still don't know if I want to go." He admitted, ducking his head before looking back into your eyes.

"You have to. You need to go because your heart is calling." You whispered, reluctant to admit the truth as much as he was. "And you don't have to be scared, because I will always be with you along this journey." You placed your hand on his heart.

"He pleaded for me to go that night, to go with him. I told him I couldn't, that it wasn't an option."

You set down the picture while standing, grabbing one from underneath a flipped-over picture frame. One of your friends picked up the frame and felt anguish at seeing the picture inside the glass.

The same boy the conversation was about sat somewhere, clearly in a place with bright lights. He wore a white, short-sleeve top that ended with the picture. His eyes were blood-shot, curls messy as can be, but a smile sat across his lips, despite being clearly in pain.

"This noise is going to be the death of me, I swear."

"Kid, you've got a lot more fighting to kill you right now than the lights. At least try to act concerned for yourself." Tony's voice strained, dry from tears. "They are probably the smallest problem you have as of now."

"Don't say stuff like that. Please." Your voice croaked, all the tears you had now gone from crying them away. "It can't be like that. No."

"That picture was taken a few months before he left. This one is a copy of the photo he took with him." You explained, showing it around. "I loved him so much, you know, and he loved me too. I could tell since he had some much trouble leaving us. But I knew he had to go."

In the last photo sat you both, side-by-side, asleep. One of his arms draped over your side while he spooned you from behind with his face buried into the skin of your neck. You had hair flopped over one eye and one hand tucked into his dangling by your front. The two of you had corresponding colors on your nails, a bright red. It had been his idea after a tired sleep-over reached well past two in the morning. It was a fond memory of yours.

Your friend pulled you tight to his chest, noticing the balance you were struggling to keep between sobbing or staying straight-faced. Eventually, the tears came out, but a smile stayed on your lips as you remembered Peter.

You remembered his laughter that was always accompanied by his contagious smile or smirk. Also on the list, you remembered his ability to sweet-talk you into sneaking out to see him on nights he wasn't 100% busy. However, you also remembered how he left you, leaving a longing feeling that turned into unheard wishes.

You just wish his departure had actually happened like that.

taglist: @rorybutnotgilmore @petersasteria @elios-timotea

[whatacartouchebag]

“Say Cart, where the hell’ve you been and what’s up with the sudden brakes on Reason updating?”

Fabulous question! Short answer: life. Longer answer: I’m going a hell of a lot of life all at once in about seven different directions, and I’m still writing, but slower.

If you don’t mind a bit of a teal deer, then feel free to jump under the cut and enjoy the rollercoaster that is my life at the moment.

So hoo boy, let’s start with the absolute doozy. My parents are divorcing, hooray! Dad finally drew the line in the sand when it came to my mother’s - frankly - rather toxic behaviour, and not one to half-ass things, has decided to sell their house at the end of August. He’s moving further north to be closer to my sister and the grandkids, whereas mum will stay here. He’s even going so far as to do the super amicable thing and set her up with as much furniture, financial support and whatnot as possible, and surface level, it looks great!

He’s kind of enjoying looking forward to the future where he doesn’t get to be constantly berated for things, or snapped at over the tiniest issue, and is pretty much optimistic about where he’s going from here.

Except for the part where it’s been absolutely blown out of proportion by my mother.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I adore her, and will continue to support and love her as my mother for the rest of my days, and I certainly feel for her in this awful time, but she is... a really frustrating person to live with. There’s a reason I moved out as soon as I could, and it has allowed me to really appreciate what calm and anxiety-free living is really like. She... has never been very good at processing any sort of emotional shocks as anything less than a complete personal attack, and combined with her rather blunt nature to begin with, well, basically this last month has been drastically stressful for everyone in the family.

She’s taken to just setting her filter to a constant off status, and whilst she’s taken a few disarming shots at everyone over things, I’ve tried... really hard not to let it affect me for the sake of moving forward. Unfortunately, she’s not really aware of what she’s saying sometimes, and it’s ended up in a couple of things that really have hurt me, which has just given the ol’ mental health status a pretty hefty punch.

I’ve been trying to help find a place for her to settle, and that’s been a mission of its own. My uncle has been at us both to keep in contact and try and take dad for everything he has, which has not helped in the slightest. And coupled with the fact that looking for anything at the moment is somewhat impossible thanks to covid and school holidays.

Which kind of slides into the next point. School holidays have made things ridiculously busy at work, and for the most part, I am utterly exhausted when I come home at the end of a day. This is on top of the usual level of busy where our work place is one of the busier offices in the entire state, and coupled with the covid reaction from people panic buying, it’s made things a little hectic to say the least.

I’ve also been given more responsibilities in my role at work, so I’m now in charge of a larger group of people than before, and my brain is kind of goo after a particularly big-ish day of numbers and planning and straight up surviving the day.

My physical health has kind of taken a slight dip here and there, and first up: it’s nothing drastic! For years and years (literally half my life lmao), I’ve had issues with damaged tendons in my knees, and where it used to be once every month or so I’d have issues flare up, it’s getting down to once every day or second day. So, it’s going to be a round of visiting doctors and specialists and setting up appointments and - eventually - surgery to fix the damage.

Which means about six or so weeks off my feet sometime within this year, most likely. I can’t wait holy shit you guys. /sarcasm

Needless to say, my writing has kind of just... plinked along in the background. I’m certainly still working on Reason, and I have a finalised list of everything left to achieve with our lads before things wrap up. To give a bit of a ballpark, there’s potentially going to be maybe another six or seven chapters out before it’s completed.

And that honestly feels really... big and heavy to say lmao.

Reason has been my biggest public outing to date, and it’s been a hell of a journey, so there’s no way I’m going to stop it. I intend on seeing this thing through to the end, as I promised way back after That Episode. Just please know that due to life being a combo hit of things, it’s going to be a little slower than usual for these final chapters, because whilst I know the first draft of my writing is suffering due to things, I still want the finished product to be good. Which means me rereading something I wrote whilst half-dead tired or kind of cottony. Which means repeated editing and revising time. Which means I need to learn to set the bar lower lmao.

Legitimately though, the one things that has kept me going through all of this round of stress and whatnot, and utterly wanting to finish this story? Is you guys. It sounds kind of corny, sure, but the support for this story, the support I’ve found in the Fair Game community, the friends I’ve made through this whole thing, it’s honestly meant the world to me. It’s kept me happy and laughing and smiling and honestly giving me something to focus on, rather than fall under the stress entirely, and it has utterly helped.

So, if you’ve made it this far through this thing, first of all congrats lmao. Secondly, thankyou.

I might be a bit spotty here and there for the next few months or so, but your support - whether it be chatting, comments, likes, kudos, whatever - honestly means so much to me and it really does wonders for keeping me sane ♥

[lolita-tips]

Where have I been?

I originally wrote this up as a script intended for a youtube video explaining where I’ve been and why I haven’t been keeping up with things very well but I haven’t been able to bring myself to get in front of a camera. I thought I would at least make it into a post to sort of give you all an idea of what’s going on. I’ll put it all under a read-more though since it turned out pretty long.

Hi, I’m Averie. I’m 26 years old and I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about my life lately. I’ve been running Lolita Tips for eight years now but in the last year or so I’ve been a bit removed from it, definitely more than I’d like to be and I sort of feel guilty about it. I keep trying to tell myself that I shouldn’t feel bad, but it’s important to me and there are a lot of people I feel like I’m letting down by not posting more regularly. I guess I just want to talk a bit about where I’ve been and what I’ve been going through. 

Last year I officially moved out of my parents’ place and into my boyfriend’s house. Really it was his parents’ house and for the first few months we actually lived here with them which was a bit of a nightmare for a while, but as of April we’ve officially taken on the mortgage and they moved to Florida. When I moved in I started my first ever full-time job and it has really tested me. It’s nowhere near what I’d like to be doing with my life but as they say, it puts food on the table. I’m a claims adjuster for an auto insurance company which means my job consists of sitting in a cubical making phone calls all day and paying people to fix their cars after accidents. This job has really been putting me under a lot of stress. First of all, I’ve always had pretty bad anxiety when it comes to making phone calls, and after over a year at this job, that still hasn’t changed. Having to spend most of my day doing something that makes me so anxious leaves me really drained by the end of it. Add to it the facts that a lot of the people I have to talk to are in a bad mood, often times I’m calling to give them bad news (“You’re at fault for this accident”, “Your car is a total loss,” etc.), and I’m handling over 100 claims at any given time. So most of the time all I want to do when I get home is lay on the couch and do nothing. I wish I was in a position right now to quit this job but I’ve searched up and down for something else and there’s just nothing close to me that would make any sort of financial sense.

When I do have days where I feel like I can actually get something done, a lot of my time is spent working on the house. As I said before, we bought this house from my boyfriend’s parents and it was pretty dated. I’m someone who likes old things, I collect antiques and often dress in vintage styles, but dingy carpet from the 80s and floral wallpaper that’s probably even older aren’t exactly our taste. So we’ve been taking on a lot of home improvement projects and a lot of the time we sort of feel like we’ve bitten off more than we can chew, particularly when it comes to our budget and stamina. As artsy as I may be, I’ve learned that I hate painting walls so even though we started in December, our living room is only about a third of the way painted. I’m also learning that one of the biggest struggles of being a homeowner is just keeping up with the mess, especially with a dog and two cats, all of whom shed like crazy. And it would be easier if we could do all of this together, but my boyfriend and I have such different work schedules that it’s rare for us to have a same day off to work together. It also just seems like this house has one problem after another. A few months ago we had a leak and had to replace the roof. Now our basement is flooding and we have to tear out the walls of what is supposed to become our craft room. It’s hard to make the house beautiful when you keep having to spend all your resources making it functional.

Everything that has been going on in my life has left me feeling very overwhelmed. It may not seem like a lot from the outside, but when your head is constantly full of “Paint this, sweep this, scrub this, shit I forgot to send that check, how many boxes do I still have to unpack? Is this ours or his parents? Did I schedule an appraiser to look at that car? Holy shit the garden is overgrown where did all these weeds come from I swear we just pulled them out a week ago!” It’s daunting. And it has really had a negative impact on my mental health. I thought my life was going to be grand when I moved out of my parents’ house! I was going to be close to a big city, living with the person I love, and finally feeling like a real adult. But this really is more than I bargained for. It feels like all I really did was trade in the stress and anxiety of a long-distance relationship for the stress of a terrible job and a house that still doesn’t feel like my own. People keep telling me things like “That’s life!” and “Welcome to adulthood!” but I know adulthood isn’t all suffering! I know plenty of adults who have jobs they love and free time to  do stuff that makes them happy, but I feel like I’m stuck in an endless cycle of five-day work weeks, evenings where I’m too depressed and tired to leave the couch, and weekends where I try to cram in as many chores as possible. And thinking about it makes me more depressed! I studied theatre in college, I wanted to be a playwright, I STILL want to be a playwright. I also want to own an antique store, make and sell clothes, travel the country working renaissance faires, any number of things would make me happy; but it feels like any time I have some time to work toward one of my dreams there’s always something more important. 

A few months ago I went to a convention in Pittsburgh. It was the first time I’ve worn Lolita in a long time and it was exciting because there were going to be some big Lolita guests. I told myself I was going to face my fears. I was going to introduce myself to members of my new local Lolita community for the first time since moving here, but I came to the con by myself and the longer it went on, the more alone I felt. I thought it would be great going to all the panels I wanted to see and not basing my schedule on anyone else, but seeing everyone with their friends having a good time brought all these ugly thoughts into my head. I thought, “I’ll never be able to have close Lolita friends like that”, “I’ll never be able to make a living doing the things I love like these designers and Youtubers”, “What kind of Lolita blogger am I if I can’t even go up to other lolitas and introduce myself?” At one point after a panel I went to the bathroom and I heard a group of lolitas whos voices and names I recognized come in. All at once my brain was flooded with “Not good enough”s. I’m not pretty enough, my coord isn’t cute enough, I can’t possibly go out there and interact with these queens. So I locked myself in the stall and waited until everyone left while I cried quietly.

A few hours later there was another lolita panel that was a lot of fun and I had a good laugh and actually sort of felt like I was part of something for a moment. But after that was the J-fashion social. I spent all day trying to convince myself to be brave and not let my anxiety get the better of me, but that was a battle that I quickly lost. I went out onto one of the balconies of the convention center, pacing back and forth while I tried to gather my courage, but the “not good enough”s just came flooding back and I cried harder than I had cried in a long time. The meetup came and went in a panel room behind me as I stared into the night sky of the city that didn’t know I existed. No friends to comfort me, boyfriend at another convention working a booth, and family hours away. I felt completely and utterly alone. But that night I told myself that I was going to make a change. Something, anything, to make my life better.

I know that I can’t cure my depression, or my anxiety. I know that there’s something wrong with my brain and that I’m always going to have bad days and good days, but I also know that I at least owe it to myself to try and turn things around. I may be depressed, but I’d rather be depressed and do things that I love than allow things to continue on the way they have been. After all, I’m the most important person in my life. Nobody will ever be more fundamental to my own happiness than myself.  

I can’t exactly say that I have a plan, but I can say that I’ve been trying. I’ve actually spent a lot of time lately rediscovering things that once brought me joy that I fell out of for one reason or another. For example, I’ve recently started listening to My Chemical Romance again. I remember listening to them as a moody teen who just wanted to seem dark and edgy but going back and listening to the same songs as an adult hits me in a different way. They’re so full of emotion and passion and words that my mind likes to cling to like “I am not afraid to keep on living.” I also recently started watching the Vlog Brothers again. Their channel and pretty much everything they were part of were huge influences on me in high school and early in college so I was really happy to see that they’re still doing stuff. They always help me to remember that even though the world may be a big dumpster fire right now, there are still good people doing good things and there are still a lot of things worth living for. I’ve been working a lot on bettering my life in a lot of ways; I’ve been trying to embrace the Konmari method while working on our house and I’ve been watching a lot of youtube channels about being better with money and spending a lot of time watching ASMR to just try and relax. 

I still have a long way to go, and I know I’m still going to struggle, but I’m thankful to those of you who have stuck with me and will continue to be with me on this journey. Whenever I get on tumblr and see that I still get messages in my inbox it helps me to remember that I am not entirely alone. I know this was sort of a lot, I’m not someone who normally pours my heart out like this, to be honest talking about my mental health makes me worry that I’ll come off as whiney and it makes me pretty nervous, but I felt that I owed it to all of you to explain what’s been going on and I felt that I owed it to myself to get it all out there. Thanks to all of you who have stuck with me through it all. I hope to start making changes in my life get back to making this blog something worth sticking around for.

[the-sober-story-so-far]

A pre-snippet to the past 10 years

 Hi there, i’ve got quite a few posts to catch up on since i’m on day 3 of sobriety but I feel like any story should start with where I was these past 10 years. I became a mother at 19, happily. My son was planned, I had met the love of my life a bassist in a metal band and fell in love with the lifestyle that came with it.

 When I had first met Matthew I had never partied before, I was in a very abusive relationship before where I wasn’t allowed to experience what most teens did. Parties, drugs,drinking, hell even my proms. So when I met Matt (before i was pregnant keep in mind) I went wild. We would party almost every night, we fell in love fast too. One of those loves that just hit you right in your face like a bullet. We were inseparable and we were both wild as could be. Once we had decided to slow down and stop going out as much we decided we wanted to get married and start a family together no matter how young we knew that regardless it was meant to be. So we were engaged, we were actually trashed when we got engaged it was pretty punk rock if I say so myself. In the middle of an alley in baltimore, he didn’t have a ring and it didn’t matter. We were just jamming to some Coheed and Cambria in my car drinking a 30 pack parked in this alley when he suddenly told me to get out of the car and follow him. At that point he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I thought he was just drunk or joking at first and I remember I kept asking him the next day if he was serious well, obviously it turns out he was. 

 So fast forward a bit, we were engaged and started trying to get pregnant and it took a few months but with luck we ended up pregnant. We decided to get married at the courthouse since we were already on the way to getting married that year anyways. Then we had our beautiful son, I was sober my entire pregnancy. I remember the first week after I had him I got trashed though just to celebrate 9months of pain and hell but at this point i was still a social drinker. The toddler years were happy years, we would only drink on the weekends or here and there when friends would come over. It wasn’t to the point where I had a problem yet. 

 Then he turned 4, and life got really hard. Problems with my family arose, financial problems as well. My mental health declined and i was diagnosed with Bipolar Type 2, as well as OCD, Severe Depressive, Severe Anxiety and Borderline personality Mercurial type. As well as having PTSD from my childhood with my parents. My mom almost passed when I was younger from liver failure. She ended up having a transplant and living. I had an emotionally abusive father, my mother’s mental health was never stable I actually use to remember her waking me up at 4 am and screaming at me as a child for things I had done the day before. I witnessed so many fights and insane moments a child shouldn’t. I then ended up in an abusive relationship from 14-18 with a boy who would hit me, verbally abuse me, gaslight me, manipulate me and then one day eventually sexually assault me in my sleep. The thing about trauma is it always catches up to you.

 And that’s where I think it all started going wrong, it began catching up. I moved out in my first apartment with my husband and my son and finally had freedom. We had lots of parties, I met lots of “friends” who only cared about where the next party was or who had the drugs. I began partying more and more, and made decisions I was not proud of. Including hurting my husband more than I ever could have even fathomed, I don’t like to speak of it. I have faced my guilt about it daily but in short I was unfaithful. Even if it was one time, it was inexcusable. My cousin had moved in with me, and though I love her back in that time she wasn’t the best influence either. She always wanted to party or smoke weed as well. We became partners in crime, we always wanted to get into some chaos and have fun. Then we were forced to move back to my parents all 4 of us this time due to a shooting in my apartment complex where we were no longer safe. It was unbearable living there during that time, before my mom began fixing herself and facing her own demons and dealing with my father and his emotionally abusive ways.

 So we ended up moving to my grandparents, where we were later kicked out of for having people over partying almost every night. At that point I had also assumed I wanted to be polyamorous, which indeed I am not. I am bisexual yes, but the polyamory was just an excuse in my own mind not to work on my own marriage and fix the damage I had unleashed upon it. When we lived at my grandparents was when the peak in my drinking began. I began drinking daily with my cousin starting early in the morning drinking bottles of rum and vodka all day to the point of blacking out, mixing clonopin with it. Smoking spice, smoking weed, just drugs and booze constantly. One night I overdosed and slit my wrists so bad that the scars are still there to this day I am lucky to be alive and you’d have thought that would have been enough to stop me from my path of destruction but it did not.

 I did end up quitting spice, once we were kicked out of my grandparents I saved money at my job and we rented a place with my cousin and a “friend”, the drinking only got worse there. More parties, more drugs. I started dabbling with Molly and Adderall while i was there and almost ecstasy. My mental health declined so bad due to being worried about a relationship with a girl I thought I loved and spending my money on substance that we lost our house after I lost my job.

 I moved back home again with my parents, just my husband, my son and myself and the drinking continued then for a few months it was daily drinking until one day I did finally get sober and quit drinking, months later I started to become incredibly sick and was still sober but thought I had cancer from how violently ill I was but I was too afraid to go to a doctor for it, instead in my fucked up mind I decided to attempt suicide twice. I lost many friends along this journey from the choices I made, and from who I was. I felt that being sick was my penance for being such a piece of shit for so long.

 Months passed after this, I was sick for at least 9 more months vomiting at least 9 times daily sometimes more. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t shit and I knew something was wrong but I had doctors who didn’t care to find out, who brushed it off as IBS because I was “young and healthy”. 9 months they let it go, it turned out to be my appendix and a dead bowel. The day my appendix ruptured sepsis poured into my abdomen and i was dying, I was actually dying like I had wished for all those years and then it was in that moment that I knew I didn’t want to die. I wanted to live, I wanted to fight. I had my surgery and had 3 months of severe complications including seizures, fluid ruptures and a massive hole left in my abdomen from those fluid ruptures. September of that same year my intestine popped up below the surface of my skin and I had to have my first hernia surgery, it was successful until November of last year when it tore open and I had my final one. During the process I was foolish enough to keep the same doctors, to be dismissed over and over until the first hernia surgery when I had finally had enough and found doctors who actually cared. However, now I have severe PTSD with practitioners not to mention a nurse  who physically and sexually assaulted me and a doctor who possibly did while I was under anesthesia. This is getting back to the trauma creeping up on you, it all has a purpose.

 So, I went through severe anxiety, and experienced what real PTSD was. I was still sober until one night my husband and his friends and myself were all hanging out in the garage and they said have a beer you’ll be fine and that was when it all started again.

I used to look forward to every Friday and Saturday just wanting to get drunk to feel something, all the while i was still using marijuana daily as well. Well, maybe not to feel something i’d say more to feel nothing. And then it went from 6 drinks to 12 drinks, from Saturdays and Sundays to every day of the week. From 6 packs daily to 12 packs daily. From 12 packs daily to 15 drinks daily, from 15 to 18 and so on. This was a year ago i relapsed and this is my first 3 days sober since it all happened.

 This is to document my journey, this is to look back and feel pride in how far i’ve come and this is so that I know I can do anything and how much I refuse to go backwards. If you’re reading this, i hope if you are in a place where I was it gives you strength, I hope you never feel alone. 

 Welcome to my sobriety diaries.

[chiserendipity]

Why 2020 has Changed Me Forever - and Why I'm Grateful for That

*Warning, this deals with emotional and physical abuse, trauma and just is really long. Please do not reblog or repost this post.*

I'm just gonna say it. 2020 as a year has been terrible on a global scale with the pandemic, and the oppression of many people across the world. However, 2020 has allowed us to both reflect personally and on the world around us and demand change. I think that makes 2020 a great year for growth and shouldn't be merely dismissed because we couldn't go to concerts, have large parties, or the hot girl summer we hoped for. Real change is happening before our eyes, a movement for equal rights and to end the the endless cycle of oppression and suffering for not only the black community, but minority groups whether that be race, ethnicity, sexuality, gender, religion, those with mental or physical disability, the poor, and so many more. Yes the world is seemingly in shambles. But guess what? We have nothing but time to try and fix it now. To demand better. Both for our communities and ourselves.

Personally, I feel 2020 really pushed pause on my life and asked me "what are doing?" "why are you doing this to yourself?" and "what do you want from life?" I began looking at what I had become and I was disgusted with myself and how I decided to try and cope with past trauma. Before corona, I found myself in a very dark place mentally with seemingly no way out. I would have panic attacks repeatedly and just cry myself to sleep many nights (despite not getting very much). My endometriosis was continually getting worse with every flare up (probably from all my stress). I had no direction and very little motivation to continue.

Then, the virus hit. Once I was sent home and online classes began, I had time to stop and catch my breath. To look around at my life and really ask what I was doing wrong. As young people we tend to give ourselves a pass for poor behavior and bad decisions, or even encourage it. I realized I was falling victim to my own anger, bitterness, anxiety, and depression that had haunted me for years and it was finally rearing its ugly head. I had been suffering from depression and anxiety for years but that spring semester while still on campus was different. My moods began to swing from a hyperactive anxious state to a haunting and chilling depression that made me want to stay in my room and hide. I didn't really get much sleep in either state. But, now back home all alone and with nowhere to go. No class to dive head first into. No parties to dance the night away. No kickbacks to chill at. Just me and my monstrous thoughts. At first my overwhelming thoughts were suffocating. I would question "what is wrong with me? Why can't I get my moods under control? Why must every facet of my being so overwhelmingly broken?" Then as classes began to finish, and with the help of antidepressants, I finally started to feel a shift. I started unpacking my compartmentalized trauma I had shoved away for years in a desperate attempt to leave it the past. People always say the past is the past, but the past will never not be apart of your journey. Without properly dealing with the past, it'll always show up again in your present reeking havoc in your day to day life.

With meditation, therapy, medication, and a lot of self reflection through videos about helping your inner child, I realized I didn't know me. My life had always in some way shape or form been controlled by others. I was assigned the role "golden child" by a narcissistic father who demanded I perform that role perfectly. Even as a child, I was taught to ignore my pain and sadness and push through, because my feelings didn't matter. I was fed, lived in a nice house and had nice clothes and whatever I asked for. That was enough to prove my father’s love for me; in his eyes. I lived merely to please. As I aged this mentality seeped into my romantic life as well. My feelings always came last so I began to simply just turn them off until I became an emotionless shell. Acting as a robot, I went to school and grinded myself to the bone in all my AP and IB classes. Joined all the community based clubs and took leadership roles. At 16 I even got started working 20+ hour weeks. Meanwhile, I had to surgeries courtesy of endometriosis. The first was a emergency surgery due to a ruptured ovarian cyst and the second to dislodge my right ovary from my abdominal wall since the endometrial lining cemented the two together. 

I remember complaining about cramps and my father punched me saying, "Toughen up”. My father said things like that all the time and didn't want to discuss my chronic illness or mental health. When I was 16 I admitted to having suicidal thoughts and a previous attempt a few years back and he responded that was "white girl bullshit". Another time,my father cussed me out in a pizza shop for wanting a margarita pizza calling me a stupid bitch in front of everyone in the restaurant. He constantly mocked my choice for my major and university, saying that majoring in marine science was idiotic and I'd do better in political science and studying at Vanderbilt. Pain wasn't allowed. Feelings wasn't allowed. Choice wasn't allowed. Only thing that was allowed was to do the work expected. To be "perfect".

Finally I was beginning to understand that after being told my entire life that I was nothing more than robot with marching orders, the lack of orders now that I had cut my father out of my life was causing me to feel that I had no purpose at all. I had never known freedom, and it was was now suffocating me. Now knowing this, I was able to start retraining by brain and discover who I wanted to be. My feelings were valid. I wasn't just my report card or my ACT score or my medals and academic awards. My body while it doesn't function like it should, it is still worthy of love and respect. I wasn't insane for my moods fluctuating and I just needed help to get where I needed mentally to function. And that's okay. I had to start being me and living for me, not for the approval of others. Savannah the person, not the robot, matters. I matter.

This was when I had a spiritual awakening of my soul and ego, truly deep diving on how to heal from my past. I spent hours watching videos and discovering how to dismantle the false self I had created to appease those around me and stop acting as a emotional crutch for others whilst ignoring my own emotions. I began to recognize the trauma bonds I formed with exes and current friends. I choose to associate with those who encouraged these negative social responses and bad coping mechanisms. I was merely re-entering patterns that begun in my childhood.

From our earliest years, the ego is formed. Our deepest need is to gain love + approval from our parents + caregivers. The ego, in an attempt to protect creates a concept of self identity in alignment with what we believe will give us this love.We begin to say "I am smart" or "I am strong" or "I am bad at x." We internalize the beliefs of our parents about who we are + who other people are + how the world is. All of this ego identity unconscious. Because we are not taught about our egos, we are unaware they exist. So we operate as if we ARE the ego. This brings us a ton of our own suffering + shame. It makes us feel "stuck" + unable to escape our learned patterns. That's what ego does: keeps us repeating the past. Ego work is the process of questioning the ego stories that are just thoughts + not "reality." Becoming conscious to this allows us to access CHOICE in how we respond.

- @the.holistic.psychologist

Now aware of my ego and really getting to the heart of why I'm bad at sharing my feelings and why in past relationships I was described as "distant" and "inattentive" but also “good listener but won’t open up”.  Today, I can honestly say I'm no longer in that dark place I was before. I'm beginning to relearn the things I loved and truly appreciate them. I'm being the true goofy, silly, marine scientist I always wanted to be. I have friends who do care about me and I've tried to open up more emotionally. Of course I have a long way to go and constant improvement is necessary. 2020 allowed me to return to myself, not the burnt out, bitter and depressed woman I had become. I'm happy 2020 happened and for the first time in years, I'm excited for what the future brings.

[goodvibes-weirdsoul]

The truth is... None of us really know what we're doing.

Hey Guys!! Welcome back it’s been a little longer than I was expecting. The truth is, it’s been a very long emotionally and mentally draining month for me. When I set out to actually start this blog I decided to have one post a week after last months challenge, but when the challenge was done I found myself stuck. I found myself unable to allow my inner creative self out. The same challenges I faced before I started this blog, began again. The self-doubt and self-criticism all kept circling my head. And then I do what I always do, I corner myself. I start thinking of all the things I could have done by now. Where I thought I would be in life at this time and a hundred other things that make me feel like I haven’t been doing enough. So this time instead of giving up I decided to sit down and work through my thoughts. Every single day for the past 24 days I have thought of everything I have been through and have survived, succeeded at, loved and experience in the past few years and wanted to take you guys through a little journey with me on how we are all in this together.

Just to give you guys a little background story about myself so you can see where my existential crisis and doubt began (because I am dramatic AF, it's the sag in me). When I was in high school I prided myself on my organization skills, my interest in almost anything, the goals I had set to achieve. I was one of the most motivated people I had known. But the sad truth, that didn’t really hit me until years later is I wasn’t this person for myself. I was this person for my parents. Like many parents who want what is best for their child, they made me believe that there were only two ways for me to succeed: I either become a doctor or a doctor (you know how that goes). And honestly, when you come from a culture that is only taught that, you pass it to your children because you don’t know any better. My parents were extremely young parents, and their main goal was to make sure me and my siblings had a better life and that is the only way they knew how to. All the things that made me who I was, my interests and hobbies all got swept under the rug. I was in tutoring sessions and a medical program from the age 11-17. My summers consisted of medical rotations and shadowing doctors and waking up on Saturdays at 7 am to get to SAT prep by 8:30. Not once did I ever stop and think to myself, what is it that you want?

Fast forward to my senior year of high school. What a disappointment it was that the top two schools I wanted to go to rejected me. I was crushed. I felt as though all my years of preparation was for nothing. On top of that, my home life at this time was a horror story. I was always afraid to go home. My anxiety had gotten so bad that I didn’t know what to do anymore, so going to school away sounded like the best bet for me.

I was in the middle of so weighing my options until I got home one day and all of my stuff was packed. Literally, all my bags were at the door and my dad says to me “You’re going away to Oswego” now y’all could only imagine the look on my face when I heard that come out of my dad's mouth. I was shook. Little old me who had NEVER stayed over anyone’s house, had a curfew of 7, was now going six hours away from home. Alone. I think about that day often and always wonder if I would have just said how I felt. If I would have just said I wanted to take the time to figure out what it is I really want, I wonder how different my life would be. But I didn’t, I just said okay and left two days later.

That first year of college for me was absolute hell. I was falling behind in my classes, I barely could make it to class on time, I was lonely and I really couldn’t get my shit together. I went from being this motivated girl who knew what she was doing, to being late to class, missing assignments and to top it off - my plans of going to medical school went down the drain. I was lost.

After that first year was over I decided to come back home. Whatever problems I had to face while being home I decided was worth it. I enrolled in City College and started working a full-time job like most college students who stay at home. I would be lying to you if I said that after that year things got easier. They didn’t. Things actually got worse. My depression and anxiety were eating me alive. I was going through a breakup and constantly fighting with my parents. Eventually, I decided I needed to take an actual step back from my life. I needed to do what felt good to me even if no one agreed with what that meant.

So, I stopped going to school so that I could focus on what I wanted to actually do with my life. Was I going to continue to chase the dreams that other people had for me, or was I going to be OK with not knowing what I wanted to do right now? I was really caught up in this idea that because I didn’t have my shit together I was a disappointment. But the truth that no one told me, that I had to figure out myself, was that no one really knows what they're doing. Even those of us who have a perfect job or perfect life, I can guarantee they will have a list of things they want to work on and fix. Everyone is trying to figure it out. We're so used to comparing our situations to others instead of understanding that just because we may not see the struggle, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

As soon as I shifted my mindset, how I felt about myself and the life I have changed. I have started embracing the challenges, the hardships and have let them help guide me to where I want to go in life. I've started taking the time to really focus on the things that bring me joy: my writing, baking and taking care of my mental and emotional health. I've started seeing how much my relationships with certain people shifted into something better than what I could have ever hoped for. Once I stopped trying to put on this "happy and perfect life" mask with people and started getting honest about what I am going through and how I feel, I was so surprised to find out how many of my close friends have felt how I was feeling. This generation of picture-perfect lifestyles can be so overwhelming and sometimes make us lose sight of the real purpose of life. To be genuinely happy, from the core of your soul to the smile on your face. And sometimes the journey to get there is long. Hard. Exhausting and can feel never-ending, but I promise that it is worth it. As cliche as my ass sounds, it is true. Because none of us are ever alone, we just have to open ourselves to let others help us through the struggle. We have to hold ourselves accountable to do the inner work to get ourselves to where we want to be. And if you think the work will end, it never does which is the most beautiful thing about life. We are all constantly changing, our opinions evolving, our thoughts shifting. Whoever you are right at this moment, if you are unhappy with it, doesn't have to be who you are forever. You are entitled to growth like everyone else is. So decide today, right now - are you going to settle for a life that people want for you or are you going to create the life you want for yourself?

[comicteaparty]

June 15th-June 21st, 2019 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from June 15th, 2019 to June 21st, 2019.  The chat focused on the following question:

Describe your comic’s protagonist.  Why should we as an audience care about them and their goals?

Nutty (Court of Roses)

Technically I have five protagonists in Court of Roses http://courtofroses.thecomicseries.com/, but I can focus on the main one; Merlow is simply a wandering minstrel who, despite fighting some inner demons, just wants to bring laughter and song everywhere he goes. He is passionate and loves his line of work, and finds the beauty in all expressions in music, and, in turn, in life and in people. His friendly and sincere approach to everyone is what helps bring him and the other four main bards together. Without spoiling too much, once they begin to travel together, he'll be the unofficial leader and the glue between them all.

keii4ii

HoK is about heartbreaks that develop quietly, between people who do genuinely care about each other. The main example of such heartbreaks is feeling abandoned when you need their support more than ever. A lot of us have been through that, myself included. There are countless variations of that experience; the specific variations that I know firsthand, I've mixed them around and given to Ethan and Danbi. That's why their story speaks to my soul, the bruised part of it. And maybe it will speak to yours, too, for the same reasons.

deo101

Millennium's http://millennium.thecomicseries.com/ protagonist, Sage, is a kindhearted, southern farmer who has been thrown into a lot of bad situations he could never understand or prepare for, but always approaches with as much love as he can. I guess we root for him because we, too, want to see the best in things and have that kind of positivity work out.

Respheal

Conan of Galebound http://www.galebound.com/ is a pretty typical farmboy, except he just learned that he's a Hidden Backup Prince, that he has the power to command Magicians, that he's an assassination target, his kidnapper/protector is probably also an assassin, and the literal ocean called him "far worse"--whatever that means. He's had a rough couple of days. I like to think he's relatable and ultimately a good person. At first, his goal was just to get back home, but then he made a terrible mistake with his newly-discovered power. Immediately he takes responsibility for his actions, seeking to learn more about this power so he doesn't hurt anyone else and maybe even help against those using the same power for cruel reasons. Once he feels responsible for something, he tends to through his entire self into taking care of or fixing a problem--sometimes to the point of being a bit self-sacrificial about it. His overall arc, though, is really about following your heart, and recognizing what you really want to do versus what you're doing out of a sense of obligation--or sometimes discovering that your "obligations" and what you want are one and the same.

Desnik

My comic's protagonist (http://ask-a-warlock.tumblr.com/) is actually not the warlock...it's a small bird named Margo who is an animate drawing. She hops out of an illuminated manuscript one day and discovers the real world is very brutal and harsh. Through a series of buddy adventures with a knight, and demonic crime-solving with a cleric, Margo does eventually choose to be part of the real world, because she belongs with her friends...although she secretly desires to be human, as well(edited)

Desnik

argh, I put in the wrong askawarlock...haha, well, updated my urlwith dashes

Mharz

The Angel with Black Wings http://blackwings.mharz.com/ or Big Sis as what me and my readers call her at this point is a sweet and very caring towards people. She's like a motherly figure of some sort. (The one who will tuck you in bed and bake you loads of cookies) However she's heavily plagued by mental illness (feeling extreme guilt and blaming herself on anything bad that happens around her, thinking she doesn't deserve anything good in life, and inner voices that seems to be getting stronger as time passes.) Even tho she thinks she doesn't deserve it, deep down there is a tiny glimmer of hope that one day, she'd be forgiven. Altho her mental issues are amplified, I think most of us can relate to have felt guilt about something we did/didn't do and dwelled and ruminated on it for so long, having uncontrollable thoughts and inner voices that tells us that we are worthless, we are horrible people, everyone hates us and we don't deserve anything. I personally on that boat and slowly working on getting better. So I wrote my comics in the hope whoever reads my comics can make them feel better in some way and find that glimmer of hope. wheeze (edited)

MJ Massey

Emily (http://welcometoblackball.com/) is pretty much a passive doormat. She starts out just doing whatever her parents say and taking the path of least resistence until she feels she can't, that she has to take action to solve her sister's murder. But she has no patience for the shenanigans and games of others, always taking the most direct path she can. Some would say this makes her a concise person, but in her mind she's just doing what's easiest. She ends becoming more assertive and independent over time until she can finally make her own life choices with confidence. A good bit of her insecurities come from being very ill with measles a few years ago, and having to have her hair shaved off. It never grew back quite the same as it was, and her parents are a little more on her case because they want her to marry well in society.

kayotics

I think on paper, Toivo (https://ingress-comic.com/) sounds awful. He’s a wizard professor, single father, serial romantic, and unlucky in his adventures. He’s anxious and a little mean and obnoxious. He’s snarky and kind of an asshole and makes mistakes and doesn’t consider other people’s emotions, so he makes things hard for other people. He orchestrates most of the problems he has to solve. But i think that’s why he’s fun? He’s a good person at heart but he isn’t perfect and that’s the type of character I like to read about.

Desnik

@kayotics He seems like a genuinely fun character to read about. I like characters with flaws that seem to make sense with the story being told

kayotics

@Desnik I like to think he is! One of my favorite comic series is Ranma 1/2, and I think that series fundamentally taught me that you can have characters who are objectively not great people and still likable.

MJ Massey

I've enjoyed reading his misadventures so far. I think that since he usually learns some sort of lesson from his misadventures it makes him really endearing to balance out his flaws

NeilKapit

Lamar Anderson, the current focus of We Are The Wyrecats (http://wyrecats.com/) is a superhero of unyielding principle, to the point of self-destructive fanaticism. He’s a mute genius with cerebral palsy, who has difficulty walking without his hero armor. The Wyrecats were the first and only time he felt like he had friends, and K.A. was his first crush (reciprocated, though neither of them acted on it). When she was put in a coma and the team disbanded, he basically started a one man war against the US government that secretly initiated the plot (long story). Five years later, with K.A. waking up, he’s been questioning his approach, which involved stockpiling weapons and hiring mercenaries to wage guerilla war upon his country’s intelligence agencies. Since K.A.’s hardly in the best mental health at the moment, Lamar’s trying to do his best by her to make a world she’d want to live in.

snuffysam

Mizuki Sato is the protagonist of Super Galaxy Knights Deluxe R (http://sgkdr.thecomicseries.com/). She's a small woman from a small farm town, going on adventures through a strange world. Mizuki's main draw is that she's entertaining to watch. She constantly back-sasses & annoys the people she encounters on her journey (to be fair, some of those people are Taci Ramino) - and when action happens, Mizuki is ahead of the game, out-strategizing her enemies and pushing past her own limits. She may be a bit reckless with her own health, but to her it's worth it if she's helping other people in any way. Mizuki's main goal in life is to find love - someone she could get married to someday, specifically. But... that often doesn't work out for her. Every time Mizuki falls for someone, she loses them to someone else - or worse, she ends up in a short-lived relationship filled with endless put-downs. The people Mizuki encounters in her daily life enjoy the fact that she's around. They like the way she entertains them, the way she helps them out, the way she... makes them happy. But, at least from Mizuki's perspective, nobody she meets actually loves her in any meaningful way. anyway funney muscle lady shoot rainbow lasers woo

AntiBunny

My comic AntiBunny http://antibunny.net/ has multiple protagonists depending on what angle we're seeing the world through, but the original protagonist Pooky Bunny can be best described as a gender ambiguous depressed mess who's trying to become a better person. Why should you care? When you first meet Pooky their depression is clearly in control. As the story unfolds in the past you start to see where that depression comes from, and as it unfolds in the present you'll see Pooky learning to let others in, slowly moving to become a better person. Pooky is not OK, and realizes that, but also sees a way forward. So if you want to see someone who is initially consumed by their flaws and who eventually realizes them and works to overcome them, then maybe you'll care about Pooky. What are their goals? Pooky has both what I'd call external goals, that is things they want to accomplish in the real world, and internal ones, that is how they'd like to change as a person. Externally Pooky is all about unraveling mysteries. Being a reporter Pooky often is chasing a story. Internally Pooky's goals change. Early on it's little more than subsistence. Struggling to get by from one day to the next. Though as the story progresses as Pooky says "I'm trying to be a better person." Pooky goes from being someone who's dead inside to coming alive again. You'll see that trauma in Nailbat that started this, and in The Gritty City Stories you'll see the recovery. It's all about the fall, bottoming out, and climbing back up. Essentially that's Pooky.

Attila Polyák

Anne is the protagonist and mostly the perspective character of Tales of Midgard: The Age of Magic https://talesofmidgard.com/comic/book-1-cover-page/. She's a knight and a mage and more or less she's a well established person with a generally (currently) good life. She's definitely not someone special. Magic is very common and accessible to basically everyone and being a knight in a world full of magic is also not really extraordinary. So why should you care about someone who's not special? That's exactly the point! Most fantasy stories are set in fantastic worlds yet the main cast, and the protagonists especially, are still special. Even compared to the world. Not here. This story is the story of the everyman. The true everyman, not a chosen one, not someone who is surrounded by prophecies left and right, just your regular normal person. Of course we're still in a fantasy world so what's regular to the characters is still fantastic for the readers, and these "everydays" are still adventures compared to the normal lives most of us live in real life. Plus... Just because she not special she and everyone else in the story can still, just like in real life, be swooped up into events that are larger than life and seeing normal people cope with the extraordinary is always more interesting than extraordinary people playing their own game.

[wombmanhood-blog]

I am not afraid

My girlfriend from the sandbox recently had her first child after trying for some time. She was ecstatic of course, but soon fell victim to a vicious cycle of fear that she took a long time to acknowledge. She didn’t begin to heal until she identified and acknowledged that her fear of loosing her newly built family was causing her to sacrifice her own happiness.

There are so many aspects of womanhood that causes us to be exceptionally cautious and concerned. We spend countless hours thinking about our children’s well being, our marriage and relationship status, finances, aging parents, our family’s health and our homes. We can’t help it... it’s in our nature to nurture the things and people around us.

Most women have been asked at some point, “who takes care of you when you’re so busy taking care of everyone and everything else?” To this, we often just shake our heads in silent acknowledgement of our all consuming past time. What we seldom do, is examine our circumstances to determine if ALL the things that absorb our mental and emotional resources are truly worthy of our attention.

For most females, the instinct to nurture exists long before we have our first child and may result in us investing time and energy into someone or something that’s just not worth it. Let’s face it; we are women not the divine - we can’t make everything and everyone “feel better”.

Our WILL (being our desire to fix things) often comes with a friend - FEAR. Fear that things will go wrong or won’t be fixed. The FEAR of failure dances in our minds regularly and sometimes, even brings more friends. With ANXIETY, DISTRUST and ANGER constantly crashing the party we begin to break down, go soft and cry. This all happens before we’re able to identify the source of our despair.

For me, fear is often an unexplainable emotion. Its not like joy or sorrow that have evident triggers. Fear is stealthy and deceitful. It creeps in slowly in most situations and before you know it, you’re struggling to brake free. However, fear is not to be confused with caution that keeps us safe (emotionally and physically). Fear, if left unchecked, can cripple progression in our lives. It makes us timid, nervous, anxious and even unmotivated. The next time you’re afraid and/or anxious and your heart is running away in your chest, ask yourself, “what am I afraid of?” You’ll probably have to think for a moment and be very honest with yourself to find the answer (because that sneaky bastard pulled a fast one).

Life calls for us to be cautious, not fearful. As women our fears are unique. We are afraid of loosing the ones we love and not finding someone to love. We are afraid of the potency of our emotions (particularly love) and we are afraid to trust others with our emotions. We are afraid of judgment and slander and constantly re-evaluate ourselves to see what we can do to fix or make things better. AGAIN, here’s the truth... “you can’t fix everything”! 

Life is not a child for us to nurture and dress in pretty clothes (though the diaper is dirty and smelly). Life is a journey, an experience to partake in and, do I dare say, “ENJOY!”  Anything, or anyone, that does not allow us to live and enjoy life the way we are destined to is a hindrance and not worthy of our time. 

The time is now to harness the will to fight and the discipline and courage to rise above our crippling fears.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

For “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7).”

[dxmedstudent]

Hey dx. Hope you're well. I don't know if you remember this ask, but I'm the anon who asked a few months ago about supporting a friend in med school with depression and finding it a bit much. A lot has happened since then. She's sadly left med school and has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Currently she doesn't really have stable periods and is either high or low. I got kind of ok with having boundaries with texting etc/meet-ups only when actually able to. Part 1

Part 2. Anon supporting friend here. Recently she’s been high and has been messaging me nearly all day every day/asking if I’m there if I take time to reply/constantly updating me on what she’s doing/sending me all her family pictures. I’m finding it really stressful and overwhelming, tried turning off my notifications yesterday but still keeps going. My own anxiety is flaring up and I’m stressed hugely with workload.

Part 3. Anon supporting friend. I’ve told her I take time to reply because I’m stressed/overwhelmed and yet the messages keep coming. I know she’s hypomanic/manic so she probably sees things in a different perspective atm and forgets that it’s too much. I’m wondering whether it’s worth asking her to please message a little less as I find it overwhelming to get so many messages each day, or whether it will just not work as she isn’t in her right mind. Part 4. She has got professional help in place. She’s fallen out with her other friends because they don’t message her when she’s low etc/her best friend has distanced herself from her because she doesn’t know what to say. I don’t want to not be friends but I need to work something out! I’m trying to remember she’s ill but I’m starting to feel unwell too. Any advice?! PS. I know this is an extremely long ask and that you’re very busy, so please take your time if you need            

Hey, I’m glad to hear from you again. I’m so sorry for my late reply; I rread your ask at the time, and thought about it a lot. But I had to take some time to process my own life problems and mental health, and I couldn’t really give most of my asks the time or energy they deserved, so I had to leave them until they could. Which is kind of the theme of this ask, ironically. But I hope late is better than never.  Thank you for your message at the end of your ask, it’s very much appreciated :) I’m so sorry that your friend’s going through a rough time, and that you are, too. I’m so sorry to hear that she left med school; bipolar is a truly difficult illness, she has been on a really tough journey.  I’m glad she has professional support; that’s always a huge deal because the right treatment and support can revolutionise people’s lives. I’ve seen it, and though I don’t think the way we treat mental health is perfect, I do think we can do so much good by acknowledging mental illness and treating it properly. And taking people seriously. I’m glad to hear you started to work out some boundaries that worked for you; it’s tough, but it’s good to hear that you made some progress, even if it doesn’t always work out as  well as you hope, it’s still progress. You’re right to put your own wellbeing first; it’s hard for us to support others if we’re being brought to a mental breakdown ourselves. It’s a hard lesson for us to learn, but you can’t serve others with a broken/empty cup. I think it’s a really fair idea to turn off notifications to avoid overloading yourself. She can keep going; thats OK. You can’t control your friend’s mania, or how ‘full on’ they are; perhaps not even they can. Unfortunately, that’s part of the illness. And it seems you understand that well, deep inside. She might process things differently, and I think you’re an excellent friend for doing your best to support them, and understand what they are going through. I’m putting this under a cut because it’s long.

Everyone reacts differently to being told the truth, so only you will know how they might respond. Sometimes we can just tell people ‘sorry, I’m not feeling well so I might not respond much’. Sometimes we invent excused to be kind or because we aren’t ready to talk about the entire story; in my view, in personal* settings, it’s OK to tell white lies not to hurt people sometimes. I’ve told friends I’ve been sick or oncall when I couldn’t attend events because I was physically exhausted or not feeling well, because I really cared about seeing them but didn’t want them to think I was not coming because I was not bothered. However, with close friends I’m honest, and the vast majority of the time, if I say I’m oncall, it’s because I’m actually oncall. I don’t like fibbing, and I don’t like hurting people’s feelings, so it’s a fine line, but I’d rather feel a bit guilty than make others feel bad. It might be OK if you tell her that you sometimes need time to reply because you are overwhelmed; have you ever discussed your own mental health issues with them? Do they get that you get really anxious or overwhelmed? It might depend on how much insight they have into their own state right now, and perhaps it’d be difficult for them to moderate how they act, or how they feel about it.  However, if you find yourself having to take quite a bit of time to yourself, don’t feel shy to just tell them “I’m not ignoring, you, I just wasn’t feeling well and had to take a break, I’m listening now”. Or you could say “I care about all your messages, and I always read them all, but sometimes I can’t reply to them all at once because I’m busy/overwhelmed/tired/unable to process it all”. If they get upset because you haven’t replied, it might help to reassure them that you do care (because this is, deep down, what they fear”, and that you care about their wellbeing, but that other issues in your life have been stressing you out, too. And that you just didn’t want to bother them with your stress, so needed to take some time out. There are ways of discussing it that don’t outright lay the blame on them, or make out that they are the cause of your problems, when it’s not true, and therefore avoids making them feel guilty for things outside of their control. Something can be not the cause of our problems/stress and still be overwhelming, and if you’re able to be honest with them, I think that’s a good way to put it across.  As well as the idea that in order to be truly there for them, and have enough energy and time to be able to support them, sometiems you need to take time out to process the other things in your life. Work, uni, family, love life, etc, whatever it is. Telling someone “I have a lot of thigns in life that are stressing me out, and draining my energy, and sometimes I need to take some time out to process/fix them, and rest before I can chill with you and help you, and be happy with you, because otherwise I’d spend my time with you stressed and miserable and might make you feel worse” makes sense. I can’t say if that would work for your friend, but I feel a lot of people would understand that. In the end, I am sure they care about you, too. But because of their own illness and issues, deep down they are probably terrified of losing you too. They know that their illness can make things harder for them, harder for those around them, and they probably feel really bad about that; we all beat ourselves up over stuff like that. Reminding them that you care, and want to be there, and want to be strong and rested so you don’t bring them down with your own problems is actually a kindness to them. I remember publishing a similar ask/anwer/post by someone else who answered a similar question, because it reminded me of you and your ask. I hope you saw that, it might be tagged under my #mental health and medicine tag. You come across as a supportive, loving friend who is doing their best, please don’t feel guilty if you have to put yourself first. I hope you and your friend take the time you need to heal. * In professional settings, we’re bound by the rules of probity. We don’t lie in medicine. TBH my parents raised us to NEVER LIE, which makes working in medicine easier because I’m a terrible gulty fibber who likes to follow all the rules and who doesn’t even like parking in the wrong place, much less anything exciting.            

[mildredbrignoni]

Hippie Chic

Moxie of a Latina storyteller 

Nobody matters more to a child's self esteem than her parents and their approval. As a Latina growing up with immigrants parents who's first language was Spanish, I was responsible for the accuracy of translating, interpreting, and understanding official financial and government documents sent to my parents.

It was not until I was 12 or 13 years old when one of my parents decided to go back to school. My heart breaks at this memory. Finally, my mother gets her high school diploma, and a college degree. My mother once told me she was encouraged by watching me study late nights, which then afforded me a degree from University California Berkeley. I remind myself from time to time that - anything worth fighting for will require focus, dedication and patience. Alas, I stand here today because of my parent's cultural identity and immigrant sacrifices.

If you thought I was going to suggest that hard work was responsible for my success, I would argue that hard work is clear to everybody with a dream. Nobody will ever be so lucky to have been handed a Pulitzer Prize. Not even nepotism can guarantee you nor your child will ever win a science award. Thus, hard work doesn't fit the formula. In other words, it goes to show that everybody has a dream, but few will be rewarded with realizing those dreams, unless you use every arsenal of your intellect, and as a matter of fact street smarts. 

Even those of us that chose to go through life with making occasional bad choices, learns that the pain of failing, then coming out the other side is completely worth the journey.

At 20 years old, I decided to follow my career in film so I moved to NYC. I grew up a beach kid, but the ability to navigate the mean streets of New York posed a challenge I couldn’t refuse.  I had no idea how difficult this would prove. When financial times got tough during cold winter months, my parents suggested to try doing something else to pay the bills, or keep figuring out how to make it happen because as they said ‘ you chose this path, and we aren’t going to help you.’ Tough love but right on point. See, they gave up their own dreams so I could fully enjoy mine. So I got my life together by teaching aerobics at health clubs in some of the fanciest gyms NYC had to offer. Apparently I was a good motivator because I was asked to appear on FX morning time fitness, a few movies playing myself as a fitness instructor and several city fitness outdoor expos, leading thousands to my routines. I even designed the costumes for a few. Seems pretty funny to me now that my side hustle brought not only additional income, but pride!

The success of this alternative profession also brought confusion. As people in the gym knew my passion was costume design, I finally got my break when a friend asked to replace him on the first Latino sketch comedy show on HBO because he was unavailable. I was forced to choose either fitness or film/television. Soon I would have several movies, commercials and fashion credits under my belt. Financially, I was doing pretty good but I hadn’t figured out how to invest my money well. I asked my parents for advice, but their responses couldn't be so different. My dad was mortified and embarrassed that I had that much in my bank account and he would only ever earn that in one year. My mother, on the other hand, sighed and froze in silence. She then slowly said 'I'm so proud of you, but I don't know how to help because your father took care of the money.'..suggesting I go to the bank and ask them for help. At that time I felt sorry for them, but also for myself for not having the support of parents to lean on. I thought most other young adults Americans had that luxury. I was 27 and had broken the glass ceiling in my parents eyes. I, on the other hand made terrible financial decisions alone. Spending my earnings on dinners, shoes and living off of it for the next year until it was all gone. And, with this money now spent, I was left to think creatively as to how I would get myself stable again. I thought hard about what I had that most other young professionals didn’t.  I asked myself - was I talented? Yes, but so is everybody else.  Was I different?  Yes, but so was everybody else.  What did I have that others didn’t?  No net.  Meaning I didn’t have a fall back plan.  I was now accepting that I had failed to see consequence again. That now, I was going to have to rely on all my marketing tools I used for my movie's costume marketing budget. Finally, I would pivot my design talents to marketing myself as I always had in positioning those luxury designers to celebrities on film. Now I would point to myself as the brand. 

I became a walking and talking marketing expert on fashion for film.  Taking it a step beyond what other stylist and designers had previously attempted, I designed promotional cards that looked like a mini magazines.  It was unique - like me.  I had been able to channel my work on alternative forms of fashion product placement, and made myself known as a fashion marketer and designer.  Even at the expense of being copied, I let the competition do it because to them - I had the good idea, and I was a cool/ relevant. This was flattering. My parents did not understand why I had to spend my money to sell myself and instead cried out that I should get a real job. The reality for me was that I was not about to give up because I was worth my own investment. It would eventually pay off in more ways than money.

Shame-I never told anyone about this until now publicly acknowledging it because I had thought about how being the representative of an immigrant cultural identity crisis is difficult and it may not be received as grateful.  I do not feel sorry for myself now. However, unless you are a first generation American, here in the states, you may have a hard time understanding how much the status of one's own, or generational immigration status puts on ones self worth. It encapsulates ones burden to the family, and adds an enormous pressure to not make any mistakes.

It wasn’t because I felt sorry for myself that I got myself out of the disaster I put myself in, nor was it because I lacked the skill to make it better. it was moxie that took me to new levels of my hustle by insisting I too was relevant.  

They say the banks were given a get out of jail free card in the housing collapse of 2008 because they were too big to allow to fail, and I say an entrepreneur is too little to fail.  The critical situation for most of us entrepreneurs is that we have a responsibility to stay relevant. It forces us to choose whether our creativity and ideas merits another's financial support, or stay as lean startups. We ask ourselves constantly - what is it going to take to break out of debt and into financial freedom? Are we the person we are meant to be? Should we keep going in hopes that someone will believe in our ideas? Of course, but only the strong survive. We just have to wait our turn. Everybody's number comes, but we just have to be ready for it to be called. 

My Reco - Do things that keep your ideas and creativity fresh. Read, watch movies, and share... (as I am ). Don't beat yourself up all the time ( that’s a hard one) by letting your circumstance control you and give up.  Find strength in group chats, or meditation.  Tap into resources that help your self esteem. I am religiously devoted to practicing yoga because I find it makes me a balanced happy hip hippie chic.

And, If you need a good cry, cry! Don't feel bad for being emotional. Allow yourself a limited time too. I do not listen to others if they tell me to stop crying. They may not know how they would handle it if they were in your position, or they don’t like confrontation of truth. This is your truth - expressed through the manifestation of your physical expression.  And sometimes truth is painful to tap into. 

Ask - If more money were the solution to an immigrant entrepreneur to survive business, then - why aren't more people and companies helping us to reach the level of success by becoming a patron of our e-commerce sites, buying our organic produce at farmers markets and hiring us on film sets? As much as people are pinching pennies as gas prices go up, the Chinese tariff sanctions are exploding, we entrepreneurs need to be rewarded, however we also have a duty to reward our immigrant communities with reciprocity.  Ask the very people that love us most- maybe not our parents, but friends, government programs and those in your culture.  Suggest that it is important to help us. We then have to love ourselves more by surrounding ourselves with believers and people that will tell us that your idea kinda sucks, and should fix it. Does my idea need help? 

While most of you may not agree, we are only as strong our supporters.  I learned early to not give up because eventually someone will give you a chance.  Even if my parents didn’t understand, they were probably just afraid of my failing because they couldn’t help me.  But - I had to fail then, and I fail now. I always got up because I always listened to my intuition and stayed focus.  I maybe a digital nomad, writer, costume designer, social strategist and other slashes I haven’t realized yet, but it didn’t detour my focus, it means I can hustle.  I can do these skills myself now and oversee my team, or not hire a team at all.  People have criticized me for having too many slashes in my title. I say, I am an excellent designer, marketer, writer, idea maker and strategist not right for everybody, but that makes me a great storyteller.  I just added more skills to my arsenal.  

Creating opportunity - Still working towards the goal, I am making new ones, because I have to brave if not for myself but for my culture. I step out again, and again with new ideas in technology and marketing, and still find myself hippie chic costume designer and wannabe filmmaker because I already lived through the hardest critics - my culture. 

A Latina is supposed to be brave, but it is a dichotomy We are taught to be safe and do what our husbands want us to do. When I go for another / (slash) in my title it's because I can do it better than someone else, because I pick and choose what my cultural wants to self identify with. I am not afraid to be too small to fail. I have couch surfed, travelled through scary boarders by bus while criminals in Central America were attempting to steal my American passport, and I am still standing.

The past - I listened to those words that my parents spoke years ago when I decided to take a challenge with foreseen consequences.  It was painful but worth it. I make no apologies to anyone including my culture. Because of my fierceness, I am a SoCal native/ New Yorker /Digital Nomad / Hippie Chic with an exceptional education, stand out delivery for creativity and my personal growth are all attributes of my Latina-ness.  

[innerchilddailywrk]

25 Signs You Have a Wounded Inner Child

Feeling Safe Inner Child image

Pay close attention to these signs. They will help you learn the general extent to which your inner child has been wounded and the level to which you feel unsafe in this world. The more signs you say “yes” to, the more you need to seriously consider inner child work:

In the deepest part of me, I feel that there’s something wrong with me.

I experience anxiety whenever contemplating doing something new.

I’m a people-pleaser and tend to lack a strong identity.

I’m a rebel. I feel more alive when I’m in conflict with others.

I tend to hoard things and have trouble letting go.

I feel guilty standing up for myself.

I feel inadequate as a man or woman.

I’m driven to always be a super-achiever.

I consider myself a terrible sinner and I’m afraid of going to hell.

I constantly criticize myself for being inadequate.

I’m rigid and perfectionistic.

I have trouble starting or finishing things.

I’m ashamed of expressing strong emotions such as sadness or anger.

I rarely get mad, but when I do, I become rageful.

I have sex when I don’t really want to.

I’m ashamed of my bodily functions.

I spend too much time looking at pornography.

I distrust everyone, including myself.

I am an addict or have been addicted to something.

I avoid conflict at all costs.

I am afraid of people and tend to avoid them.

I feel more responsible for others than for myself.

I never felt close to one or both of my parents.

My deepest fear is being abandoned and I’ll do anything to hold onto a relationship.

I struggle to say “no.”

If you answered yes to ten or more of these statements, working with your inner child should be at the top of your priority list. If you answered yes to five or more of these statements, you should seriously consider reconnecting with your inner child.

How to Support Your Inner Child in Feeling Safe

Inner child healing image

Hold the hand of the child that lives in your soul. For this child, nothing is impossible. – Paulo Coelho

We all have an inner child. When was the last time you spoke or connected with yours? How often do you take the time to tune in and listen to your needs? Do you regularly make space to play and enjoy life?

As human beings, we are not linear or two-dimensional creatures. We are all multi-faceted and have multiple selves. Think about it for a moment: the ‘you’ currently reading this article is very different from the ‘you’ joking around with colleagues, isn’t it? The ‘you’ in the middle of the night is very different from the ‘you’ going to the movies with your partner or friend. The ‘you’ talking to your parents is very different from the ‘you’ talking with your boss.

Your inner child is an essential part of the intricate patchwork that makes up your identity. When you ignore or deny your inner child, he/she is doomed to wither away within the deep dark vaults of your unconscious mind.

Disclaimer: there is so much pain to be faced with inner child work. But there is also so much joy and so much vitality to be experienced. One of the most exciting and miraculous parts of inner child work is that often hidden gifts and aptitudes that we’ve long lost touch with emerge. Not only that, but many of our relationships improve, our addictions/habits lessen or fade away, and our connection with ourselves deepens. Self-love and acceptance are finally possible. I’m not saying you will experience all of these benefits right away, but you will most certainly experience something beneficial so long as you’re committed!

Also, I want to say here that these exercises are not intended to replace therapy, programs or groups for the inner child or child abuse. If you’ve gone through child sexual abuse, severe emotional abuse, or have a mental illness, seeking professional help is essential. This article is only meant to be a supplement. Finally, if you experience strange or overwhelming emotions while practicing the advice below, please stop immediately. Seek the help of a professional counselor before proceeding.

Remember that everything takes time. The practices below are not quick fixes. They’re not sparkly wands that will immediately make everything better. But they will give you the basic tools you need for feeling safe, secure, and protected at a core level. I truly hope you find something below that will nourish you and your relationship with your inner child. And remember, if you need more in-depth help, I recommend finding more inner child healing exercises in our Inner Child Journal.

Here are the summarized points:

Reflect on the timeline of your childhood

Write a letter to your inner child

Write a letter from your inner child

Share your pain with a trusted person

Loving and supportive affirmations

Do an inner child visualization/meditation

Be your own protector and nurturer

I’ll go more in-depth into these points below:

1. Reflect on the timeline of your childhood

You might like to get a piece of paper or document on your computer and divide your childhood into the following stages: Infant Self (0-9 months), Toddler Self (9 months to 3 years), Preschool Self (3-6 years), and School-Aged Self (6 years to puberty).

Within each stage, try your best to recall how you felt, what life was like, and how safe, supported, and accepted you felt. Keep in mind that feeling safe as a child didn’t always have to do with the family environment. Often the school or other environments that we spent a lot of time in shaped our inner child. Record any memories or physical sensations you had, even if they feel fragmented. Record the tones of voice, expressions, and words your parents or teaches used when interacting with you. Even if a memory seems silly or a reaction you remember having seemed excessive, please write it down. As an adult, it’s important to honor what your inner child authentically experienced, even if it seems ridiculous or exaggerated as an adult.

The more information and emotionally-charged material you have for a particular age range, the more you need to focus on connecting with that particular stage. I’ll share with you how below.

2. Write a letter TO your inner child

Imagine that you’re a wise, gentle, and loving wizard or fairy godmother. Imagine that you want to adopt your inner child. As you write the letter, tell your inner child how much you love them and want to spend time with them. Write in a way that makes you feel safe, cared for, and understood. Here’s an example from a letter I have written to my inner child:

Dear Little Ale,

I’m so happy you’re born. I am here to protect, love, and care for you. I want to help you feel loved and accepted for who you are. I want to show you that it’s safe to be heard, to feel, and to be seen. I want you to feel like you will always have a home with me no matter what. I want to help and guide you every step of the way. I love you so much.

Love, Fairy Godmother Aletheia

If you feel emotional during this process, it’s okay. Let yourself cry and be proud of your courage to express how you truly feel.

3. Write a letter FROM your inner child

Using your non-dominant hand (in order to bypass your logical side of the brain), write yourself a letter from the perspective of your inner child. For example, if you are usually right-handed, use your left hand to write. Using your non-dominant hand will help you get more in touch with the feelings of your inner child. Here is my own example of my inner child speaking to me:

Dear Godmother,

I want to find home. Please protect me. I don’t want to feel alone anymore.

Love, Little Ale

You can write back and forth between your Wizard/Fairy Godmother self and your little self. Creating this conversation often reveals a lot of surprising and buried emotions, and new information.

4. Share your pain with a trusted person

It is important that the pain you went through as a child is validated and heard by someone. Whether you seek out a caring friend, support group, or trusted therapist please understand that sharing your feelings is essential to all inner child work. Sure, you can do it alone. And you can do a lot of deep work alone in general. But in order to experience a ‘breakthrough’ or even just to heal deeply, sharing is important. We are social creatures who need others to hold space for us. Your pain needs to be lovingly validated. If the person you’re sharing your inner child work with is questioning, arguing, or trying to give advice to you, you’re not getting what you need!

Here, it is vital for me to emphasize the need to seek real caring and nurturing support. If you don’t have friends who are mature or capable enough of doing this, please consider finding a therapist or spiritual counselor. There are many affordable options out there. Investing in your well-being and mental health IS worth it. There are also many professionals out there who specialize in inner child work or hold workshops. Counselor and self-help writer John Bradshaw writes “I believe that group work is the most powerful form of therapy” when referring to inner child work. But one thing: please don’t share with your family members, even if they are caring. Family members who have not done their own inner child work are much less capable of dealing with yours. Defensiveness, anger, finger-pointing, and grief may result in sharing your feelings with family members, so please don’t do it.

Sharing takes tremendous courage and inner strength. It’s normal and okay to feel scared! Feel the fear, and if you feel ready, share anyway.

5. Loving and supportive affirmations

Loving affirmations are a powerful way to affirm your worthiness and support your journey in feeling safe. When repeated consistently, affirmations have a way of rewiring the brain and sinking down into unconscious layers of programming. Repeating such messages can result in deep change and healing at a primal level.

Here are some loving and supportive affirmations you can say to yourself throughout the day and during meditation:

I will stay here and support you.

Welcome to the world, I’ve been waiting to hold you.

I love you just the way you are.

I’m so glad you’re here.

I want to take care of you.

I want to spend time with you.

I want to hear your thoughts and feelings.

It’s OK to feel sad and scared.

It’s OK to be yourself.

You’re allowed to say no.

You are so special to me.

You have so much to offer the world.

I believe in you.

I will protect you against harm.

You can say these affirmations as many times as you need, whenever is necessary during the day. You might even like to use a special voice when saying these affirmations, such as the voice of a wise old man or a loving mother.

Also feel free to create your own loving affirmations! The list above will help you get started, but often the most powerful affirmations organically arise from your deepest needs.

6. Do an inner child visualization/meditation

You will need to dedicate about half an hour or more to this exercise. Find a quiet and comfortable space, and either sit or lie down.

Imagine that you are about to meet your inner child. You walk outside into your backyard and he/she is playing in a sandbox. What age is he/she? You walk up to your inner child and sit down. “Hello,” you might say, introducing yourself. You look into the eyes of your inner child. What is he/she feeling towards you? Curiosity? Trepidation? Shyness? Skepticism? Excitement? Respect your inner child and his/her boundaries. If he/she wishes to hug you or shake your hand, let that happen. If not, it’s okay. Your inner child may just need to warm up to you. You might next wish to ask, “What do you need the most?” If you are communicating with your infant self during this visualization, the response might come as a visceral feeling as opposed to communicating with your school-aged self who might respond verbally. If your inner child tells you what they need, provide a safe space for them. Let them feel heard, seen, understood, and loved by you. You might like to share with them how much you love and care for them, and wish them to be cared for. If your inner child wishes to be cradled, hugged, or held, embrace the opportunity. Once you feel that your mission to connect with your inner child has been completed, you can visualize yourself walking back into your house. Focus on your breathing, stretch your body, and open your eyes.

I recommend journaling about the experience. Journaling is a wonderful tool for self-reflection, deepening your self-understanding, and also serving as a way to document your progress. So take a few minutes to do it!

7. Be your own protector and nurturer

As adults, it’s important that we take responsibility for our emotional well-being. Feeling safe in this world is extremely important and essential for our inner child to thrive. Signs that you feel unsafe in this world may include:

Constant anxiety around others

Tendency to worry excessively

Inability to trust others

Inability to trust yourself and your abilities

Feeling afraid to do things by yourself

Harsh criticism of yourself

Fear of trying new things or going to new places

Assuming the worst in every situation

If you can relate to the feeling of constantly ‘being on edge’ in the world and around others, I strongly recommend focusing on feeling safe with yourself. Constant self-criticism, ignoring your needs, lacking personal boundaries, always putting others above yourself, and changing yourself to be accepted all keep you in a fearful state of not feeling safe.

While our parents or guardians may not have fulfilled most of our needs (or any of our needs), the beautiful truth is that we can. The concept is strange, even foreign to us, but we can be our own parents!

The benefits of re-parenting yourself?

Greater happiness and optimism

Improved creativity

Healthier mind, body, and soul

Stronger friendships and relationships

Development of essential life skills: acceptance, forgiveness, vulnerability, compassion, self-love

If you find it really hard to re-parent your inner child, seeking help from an inner child work familiarized therapist will be a wise investment. Therapists, after all, act as substitute parents. They can listen to and help coach your inner child, while supporting and strengthening your inner parent.

If you prefer to go solo, that is absolutely possible. However, please do seek out a support network if you can, whether online or in real life.

[its8simplejulesblog]

Today I Made Kale Chips

Which are four words I really never thought I would say, especially considering my track record of eating 2 cans of pringles for dinner and being the type of person that used to make snarky comments about people that ate kale chips (I mean really..you really have NOTHING else to eat??) 

But I made them, and they were FANTASTIC because I put lemon on them and MMM *italian finger kiss*. I even had to shoo away my parents because they kept eating them and I’m bad with sharing food :) 

However, eating kale is just one small thing in the midst of my self-care/wellness journey. I think that my recent breakup mixed with quarantine mixed with a complete and total change in mindset about my worth and what makes me happy has really led to a passionate interest in health and wellness. I’ve recently found myself so interested about the nutrients that I’m putting in my body and how different actions impact my mental health. 

With that being said, I think the most important thing about health and wellness is that the same effects can be reached through multiple different mediums. It’s likely that not everyone is going to enjoy sitting in absolute silence and deep breathing (I know I talked a little bit about that in my previous post about meditation too) but the fun in experimenting with health and wellness is that everything you try is good for you in some way, and when you finally find a routine for yourself there is nothing more gratifying. For that reason, I want to share a little bit about the things that have made me a lot more comfortable and confident in my own skin. 

I think the first two things that people think about when they hear the words health and wellness are working out and eating right. I know that there are SO many people out there telling you what you should and shouldn’t do so that is not what I want you to see this as, but rather just one individual’s story in the pursuit of feeling better about herself. 

For me, I’ve always loved working out. It used to be something I dreaded because my only experience with working out was through organized sports: either being on a soccer or swim team, running cross country, playing tennis etc. All of those sports were sports I liked, to be fair, but at the end of the day I realized that I was just WAY too competitive for a team sport; and I often found that the presence of a lot of other people made me feel worse and worse about my own athletic ability. Again, this is just my own experience. I know there are people who love the motivation and accountability of having others around. For me, not so much. 

Working out has always been a coping mechanism that I’ve always loved, not because of the way it makes me look, but because of the way it makes me feel. Let’s be honest though, it’s a horrible temporary feeling. If you’re running or lifting or holding a pilates pose it can be fricking unbearable and not everyone’s idea of “fun”. “ However, endorphins really are your friend because when you find the type of exercise that you enjoy it will seem more like fun than work. For me, I’ve really come to love pilates (which is essentially yoga, where instead of holding poses you’re constantly moving) and it’s gotten to the point where it’s something I look forward to everyday. I used to tell everyone that I was a runner and I DO enjoy running, but with yoga and pilates it feels like slightly less of a chore. I usually finish out by stretching and fixing my posture because sitting around all day slumped over honestly hurts sometimes now. 

Whenever I feel good after working out it inspires me to take better care of my body in general, which leads me into my next topic of food. In everything I do I alway remind myself that it’s a combination of both mental and physical. Many professionals say that the biggest mistake that people make in terms of working out/ eating right is setting self righteous/ self centered goals like “I just want to look like...” “I just want to be hot/skinny” instead of “I want to be healthy for my body’s sake” “I want to feel accomplished” etc. I’m not going to lie and say that the former two things don’t cross my mind while I’m working out, but my main goal in terms of working out is remaining mentally and physically healthy for my kids and family in the future, and remaining able to do all the small things that I like to do like going on nature walks for as long as I can and am able. 

The same mindset goes with food. In tandem with working out, I think that everyone and their mother knows that you have to eat right. However, the toxicity in terms of diet arrises when you either a.) overgeneralize  b.) scrutinize or c.) polarize. This is what I mean by this. In terms of “fad diets” overgeneralization is the belief that something that works for one person will work for everyone..that’s plain and simply the reason why they’re called “fads”. Diet never has been and never will be universal. That’s why I am often confused by concepts like the paleo diet etc. It really doesn’t seem logical or safe to me. 

On the opposite spectrum is scrutiny. This is where, unfortunately, we see a lot of the eating disorders come in. Personally, I’ve never struggled with an ed but I know plenty of people that have. It’s this mental capacity where you’re constantly judging and picking apart your own journey to the point where you mentally convince your mind and eyes to see yourself differently and it is very scary and very real. Obviously, the individuals that struggle with scrutinizing their eating habits are the only ones that can change their mentality and for that reason I think it’s SO important to validate your friends that you think may be struggling with this. No one knows what they look like to other people so confirming that they look nice today or making cute lil snacks together means so much. Obviously don’t LIE or say self centered things like “wow you look a lot skinnier” because that often strengthens their obsession, so just be careful. People often subscribe to commonly endorsed lies about weight loss that frequently damage their success and mental capacity because they simply don’t work. For example, eating less is not necessarily healthy and doesn’t mean that you’ll lose weight. Eating raw veggies in bulk is not really good for you either. If you look at diet as a systematic purge then it is actually very toxic. Instead, what you need to do is simultaneously forgo certain items while replacing them with others of better nutritional value. It’s a lot of research and experimentation that has caused me to have a growing interest (I say interest and not OBSESSION because if you scour nutrition labels in a worried tizzy then you’ll work yourself into stress which often causes eating issues)  in reading nutrition labels and looking up health benefits of certain foods. 

With polarization you categorize every food as either good or bad, which when you think about it is really silly because in everything there is good and bad. If you think “this is good for me and this is bad for me” then you’ll never eat pizza and brownies and cookies and ice-cream again and idk about you but that looks like a pretty dark world to me. What you really should condition yourself to do instead is weigh the pros and cons of the foods you’re about to eat and instead of forbidding yourself to eat the bad foods, just hold off or eat less of them or eat them less often. Naturally it’s hard at first, but I’ve found that when I drink less soda or eat less ice-cream that when I finally do drink and eat those things they taste a LOT better haha. 

I know that a lot of people use the excuse that healthy food is expensive and it is and capitalism sucks, I understand; but what I’ve done (and you can do too) is just TRY a little. Ridiculous I know, but all you need to do is search up “2 or 3 ingredient, healthy meals/ snacks/ desserts” etc. and there are SO many options. I was honestly shocked at how easy it was to make food that was so good considering how unmotivated I can be to cook sometimes. It’s almost become like a game/experiment to me. 

I know I talk about perspective and psychology and how I’m feeling a lot in my blog, but I’ve realized that the two concepts I’ve mentioned above in terms of working out and eating right are so foundational to everything else. When you condition yourself to have realistic and selfless goals to a pursuit of something other than a societally driven self image, you’ll come to realize how imperative that is to your mental health. 

In fact, I can’t emphasize how true it is to take care of yourself for your own benefit FIRST and everything else will follow. I have gotten more genuine and supportive compliments about my body, mind and overall attitude so much more now than I ever have. It really does something about the way you receive compliments too because if I kill myself working out every day and force myself to eat things that I hate for the sake of losing weight then someone’s compliment about how skinny I look will only trigger the pain of all that I went through to get to that point. However, when I find things that I enjoy and eat food that I actually like then those compliments will reaffirm that I’m on the right track mentally. I really think that you’ll attract that right kind of attention if you treat yourself the same way. (it’ll be like if someone says you’re hot and instead of it being kind of lowkey creepy and shallow you’ll be like “YEAH BITCH YOU RIGHT” hahaha) 

This goes both ways. When you give genuine compliments you’ll receive them and also you’ll be so much more attuned to realizing when they aren’t genuine. Once you’re good at deciphering who is genuine and who’s not you can give everyone else the boot :) 

Annnnnyway...here are my kale chips hehe (also I’m having pizza for dinner because we don’t limit ourselves yeehaw) 

[horrorsequel]

Grew up fat. Both my parents were fat kids. Both of them "grew out of it" by having unhealthy habits. They assumed I would "grow out of it" as well. As a kid my mother would constantly have discussions with me about my weight. I was just as active as all the other children my age who were not fat. I ate much healthier meals and ate much less frequently than them because my mother had been putting me on diets since I was 7. I cried all the time because clothes I wanted didn't fit me. I was denied food when I told my parents I was hungry, because I was fat. I was told at the age of 6, by my mother, that if you're hungry and you don't eat, your stomach starts to "eat your fat away". By the time I entered kindergarten and was getting meals in a cafeteria, I was already only eating salad. I was already extremely aware that I was larger than other kids my age and that was something that children and adults alike noticed. Talked about. I can not be active now because of my illnesses but i still have lots of food issues. No one notices. No one cares. People are even proud of me for not eating, sometimes. My mom is still waiting for that day she promised me as a child. The day I would suddenly become skinny and therefore, beautiful. She told me that all the boys would love me, then. I never got skinny. Not even for a little while. Nothing ever made me skinny. Not diet, not exercise, nothing. Stop imposing the idea onto fat people, especially fat children, that their highest priority should be to become skinny. Because I'm never going to be able to fully fix my relationship with food or my body. I don't have the building blocks to cope with that. I am trying as much as I can to keep myself healthy and to try and love my body but I know that my personal journey is fucking difficult. Because it does start so damn young. And it cracks your very foundations. My family never told me I was beautiful. A compliment frequently given to my sister, who is average sized/skinny. Tried so hard and the nicest thing I got was my father telling me I "looked nice" on the night of my senior prom. Do not fucking do that to your kids or your family or anyone. Don't tell fat people about diets or exercise unsolicited because you're "worried about their health". You have no idea what's going on with anyone, and it's none of your business. Allow fat people to fucking exist.

[cripthevoteuk-blog]

Disabled in Theresa May’s Britain #44: Jennifer

From London   My disability occurred after an accident in 1996 where I fell down the stairs. This happened a few weeks after my 21st birthday and at the time, I didn't have a clue about how significantly this one act would impact upon my life. 

Initially my attitude was that I could be fixed through medical intervention however it soon became apparent that this was not the case. I felt that I was being pushed into having an operation that had a 33-45% success rate, where I would still be in pain and need pain killers for the rest of my life. I declined the operation and decided to manage my condition myself. 

For the most of the last twenty years, I have just adapted how I do things and I didn't really understand how my disability affected me. In fact, I wouldn't even have said that I was disabled. However, in 2015 I had a major deterioration in my health condition. I'd been in constant pain since the accident but it just seemed to amplify overnight and I had no idea why. This massively reduced my mobility and my capacity to cope with situations that I had just taken for granted.

I engaged with GP services and was referred back to orthopaedic services. I was reluctant due to the only option presented to me 12 years earlier was the surgery with the low success rate. The GP assured me that medical science had moved on in 12 years so I reluctantly allowed the referral. I went dutifully for scans and tests to discover once again the operation that I had declined was what they wanted to perform. (For context, I should state that if I had this surgery there would be no other medical intervention as it would be the last thing they could do). When I told the consultant that I wouldn't consent to this operation and explained that I had allowed the referral to see if there were any more options however I wasn't foolish enough to accept an op with such low outcomes, his response was that then there was nothing he could do for me... "I'm a surgeon... I cut!" 

I went back to my GP and this time I was being encouraged to engage in talking therapies as my GP stated that I had low mood. After my initial assessment I was referred to an NHS pain management programme. I had to wait five months for a place.

At this time a trainee GP joined my practice. She was excellent. For the first time. I saw someone who actually listened to me. She also picked up on another health problem that I had just by taking the time to investigate and being thorough. After seeing another GP for a checkup and again experiencing someone who didn't seem to care or take me seriously, I made it known that I would only see the trainee GP. 

The pain management programme was somewhat helpful but more than the session content I appreciated the opportunity to sit in a room with 13 other people who were in a similar situation who just got what was being said. It was my first realisation that it's very tiring having to constantly explain or justify how you are feeling to people who just don't get it. 

In 2015, I was in a job where I was contracted to work a 45 hour week. The stress of managing my condition and my employers (who couldn't have been less supportive if they tried) was immense. I applied for PIP, which I was granted standard rate for both care and mobility. 

My mobility continued to deteriorate to the point where my two hour commute was impossible. I applied for access to work and was awarded taxis to work. I live in West London and worked in East London. A one way taxi journey was £55. As a tax payer I was horrified. 

I used the service short term but soon found that this was not a solution. There were a number of occasions where taxis wouldn't turn up and I wait anywhere up to 3 hours to be collected. I had been given a manual wheelchair by NHS wheelchair services, I can't even count how many taxis I had to send back as the couldn't transport the wheelchair. 

I decided to inform PIP that my condition had deteriorated and to my horror despite it being less that a year since I had my last assessment, I was told that I would need to start the whole process again from scratch. (Side note: again I was sent to an assessment centre miles away despite the fact that there is an assessment centre less than two miles from where I live). In early 2016 after months of waiting I was awarded the higher mobility rate of PIP. 

I decided that I was not able to manage working a 45 hour week on the other side of London and was lucky enough to find a part time job closer to home. However luck was not to be on my side... not only had my health continued to deteriorate but I was made redundant in March 2017. 

I applied to my local authority to be put onto the housing list as I live in shared accommodation where I live upstairs and cannot manage the bathroom nor kitchen facilities. They initially turned me down but after a long and protracted appeal I have been granted non emergency medical priority. My housing issues mean that I spend majority of the time sleeping on my elderly parents sofa and using an under the stairs WC handbasin to try and keep myself clean. 

I have found the housing situation the most difficult thing to deal with thus far. Finding an affordable accessible place to rent in London is nigh on impossible. I believe that the local authority make it as difficult as possible on purpose. I also have applied to housing associations and have been knocked back for two available properties as I'm not old enough! 

I now find myself preparing for another battle as my GP had stated that I'm not well enough to work so I have applied for ESA. I've heard all the horror stories and I'm hoping that it won't be the case for me. I feel very anxious about the next few weeks especially as I discovered last week that the GP that I see will be leaving the practice at the end of the month.