#now I’m back went back home made some new friends reconnected w old ones got a great job

[flowachild]

anyway going to ~feel my feelings~

[idkthisisjustforfanfic]

too soon to tell, chapter t w o

You dropped your bag in the foyer of Harry’s house after work on a Thursday. It was quiet--he wasn’t home yet and you’d keyed in knowing that you’d have some time to yourself.

You felt a vibrating in your pocket when you shrugged off your coat, your visible reflection told you it was a FaceTime call, Alyssa’s name danced across the screen until you slid your thumb to answer.

“Hello, hello,” you greeted, walking to find a seat on the couch.

“Where are you?” She furrowed her brows as she took in your surroundings.

“At Harry’s--he’s out, though.”

She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. “I will never get sick of you lounging in his house when he’s not there.”

You rolled your eyes at your old roommate’s antics--she’d always been the number one supporter of your relationship and when you texted her earlier saying you needed advice, she promised to call on her lunch break.

“I’m not lounging,” you informed with a shake of your head. “I just got out of work, we’re having dinner tonight.”

“Mr. Popstar isn’t too busy?” She teased, aware of the tension both of your schedules had been causing.

“Apparently not.”

She forked a bite of food into her mouth, the sun was shining through the window behind her, the walls of your old apartment were redecorated now with the art of your replacement. “Is that what you wanted to talk about?”

“Sort of,” you leaned back and let out a breath. “I mean, it’s all connected--”

“What is?”

“I’m getting to it,” you made a face at her through the phone. “So--don’t freak out, okay? Cause I don’t even know if anything will come from it and Harry doesn’t know yet.”

She nodded and gestured with her hand for you to get on with it.

Knowing Alyssa, she was already jumping to conclusions in her head. You were pregnant, you were engaged, you quit your job, you had a huge fight with your sister. No, no, no.

“I interviewed for a job in LA...and I haven’t told Harry because all our friends have been so excited about us being in the same spot again but--”

Her eyes went wide at the mention of a US city, she did her best to hold back her smile until it faded when you said: “I don’t know. Something feels off between us.”

“Off between you and Harry? More than just being busy?”

“I’m probably overthinking it but,” you looked around his living room. Pictures of his mum, his sister, his cousins--even his manager--were tucked in frames and placed on shelves. There wasn’t a trace of you in his house except for the toothbrush upstairs and the key on your keyring.

“It feels like we’re not moving forward. And we’ve both been busy, like I’ve told you, but since we don’t live together sometimes we go days without seeing each other and it’s fine, I get that he’s busy, obviously, but--”

“But you want to move in with him.”

“Well, I don’t know--I did, sort of, I think--but then I heard about this job in LA and it sounds amazing but Jessie just moved here and no one will shut up about how great London is.”

Alyssa offered a sympathetic frown and repositioned the bowl in front of her to get another bite. “What’s the job?”

You almost didn’t want to tell her, sure she’d get excited and eager to have you back in the same country. You winced a little, bracing for her reaction. “S’with E! News,” you shrugged. “It’d be on-air.”

“Shut up! Are you serious?!”

“Yes m’serious,” you rolled your eyes. “But I haven’t told any of them because you know how they are.”

She nodded, “Jessie will not want you to take it.”

“God love her, but of course not. And Harry spends time out there, so it might be okay, but it’s not like I could ask him to go with me.”

“Why not? He’s famous, Y/N--he belongs there.”

“It’s too soon,” you whined. “He’s not my fiancé and we don’t live together, so--I don’t want to make it weird.”

“But you love him,” she reasoned.

“Yeah, but s’been weird lately!" You tried to drive home the point. "He’s made no mention of moving in and we’ve been dating for a year and a half, I’ve been in London for over a year now. He’s not even mentioned it, Alyssa, I swear. He’ll say things like ‘one day we can go on vacation,’ and ‘what should we do for Christmas?’ But he’s made no concrete plans to actually have a future with me.”

“Maybe he doesn’t think you’re ready.”

“Maybe he’s not ready,” you volleyed.

“Maybe,” Alyssa shrugged. “But you won’t know if you don’t ask him.”

“But if I ask him and he’s not on the same page I’ll look like an idiot and he’s busy with the album and now I’m thinking about moving to LA and--”

She watched you, waited for you to say more, but you were out of words. You changed gears.

“Maybe we’re just not meant to be long term.”

“Oh come on,” she groaned. “Not this again.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Your whole ‘we should have left it in New York’ shit.”

You lifted your eyebrows to demand further details.

“You were freaked out in the beginning that you’d move back there and it would be weird.���

“And?”

“Was it weird?”

“Not at first, I guess. But I mean, come on---don’t you think we should have taken some kind of step forward by now? Even just mentioning the idea of moving in together?”

“I don’t know,” she said truthfully. “Maybe it’s different with someone like him.”

You rolled your eyes--what if that’s what you were sick of?

People always said that: it’s different because of his job, it’s different because he’s on the road, it’s different because he’s famous.

Of course it was, and that was fine, for a while. But what if Harry’s job always got in the way of feeling normal? What if you couldn’t have a real wedding because of it? What if you could never send your children to summer camp because of it?

Were you willing to sacrifice your own future to live an unconventional life with someone just because you loved him?

“When will you hear back about the job?”

“Dunno--talked to them last week on Monday and they said this week at some point. S'been a while, so hopefully soon.”

You’d been keeping busy, trying to avoid your personal email at all costs and also making sure that Harry had limited visibility of your screen at all times.

“Do you want it?”

You thought on it for a second. Being offered a job at a company like E! would certainly be an ego boost, but the mere thought of having to explain to all of your friends that yes, you’d been back in London for 18 months and now you were packing up and moving even farther away than before wouldn’t be easy. That seemed to be the one certainty in the whole situation: no one would take it well.

“I don’t want to leave everyone here, especially Harry--but I also don’t want to be stupid and think that this relationship is going somewhere if it’s not.”

Alyssa nodded and let out a sigh. “I get that, I mean, of course you have to do what’s best for you. But I’d hate to see you not be with him just because things are hard right now.”

You leaned your head back on the couch and sighed. You didn’t want to break up with Harry. If anything, you wanted to move forward and move in with him and do what you’d always imagined: have a good job, have a few kids, try to be happy.

But what if you’d been naive enough to think you could have all of that with Harry and what if this is how you were finding out that you couldn’t?

Were you still stuck in your teenage fantasy of marrying the boy you'd long been crushing on?

She watched you for a second before she reassured: “you’ll figure it out.”

You smiled, glad you’d called Alyssa if only to have someone talk you off the edge a little bit. You missed waking up one room over and her love for basketball games and New York 99 cent pizza.

“Well it’s not like I have to make a decision right now,” you said. “I haven’t even heard back from them. For all I know they could never reach out again because I bombed my interview.”

She rolled her eyes at your self-deprecation and offered a few final words of encouragement before you hung up and promised to catch up soon.

Ever since you’d left, Alyssa had taken it upon herself to keep you up to date on the ins and outs of New York. New restaurant? She’d send you pictures and a 200 word review. Crazy subway rats making the news again? Articles and video proof would be sent your way in a matter of hours.

She’d gotten a new roommate to fill your bedroom and apparently things weren’t always peachy between them. Peyton was quiet and shy--according to Alyssa. She was up every morning at 6am and in the shower at 6:30. She did yoga in the living room and hated it when Alyssa left empty beer bottles on the coffee table.

Alyssa was starting to lose her shit, swearing up and down that she needed to either pull the trigger and move in with Owen or find a new place altogether. It was my apartment first, she’d say. She should leave, not me.

It had been hard that year to leave the city you’d grown to love but harder to leave Alyssa and Carly and the things that made New York feel like home. It was also, in hindsight, hard to leave the place where you and Harry reconnected and built the foundation of your current relationship.

You heard commotion from the front door only a few minutes later when you rummaged through Harry’s kitchen for a snack.

“Hi,” he called from the other room, a close-lipped smile when you stuck your head around the corner to greet him.

“Hi! How was the photoshoot?”

“Good,” he nodded, watching as you stuck your hand into a box of crackers. “What time are we meeting everyone?”

Right--Thursday also meant dinner somewhere downtown with everyone in tow.

“7pm--but Jessie said we should try to get there early since it’s a new place and no one’s ever been.”

He nodded in acknowledgement of your words but seemed distracted, like his mind was somewhere else and his body was the only thing tying him to the room.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, looking back up at you. “Just a busy day and a busy week.”

You nodded, unsure if he wanted to say more or if you were supposed to have more of a reply than a simple nod of your head.

You’d both been stammering out awkward sentences and trying to dance around the elephant in the room for a few weeks, but now, under his gaze, you felt more uncertain than before.

“Are you okay?” He turned the question around and watched you closely.

“Yeah,” you shrugged, moving to sit on the couch.

“You seem--off.”

You didn’t know what it was. Could he possibly sense the tension in your shoulders as you waited for an email either way? You got the job! We regret to inform you…

Or was he just aware that you felt awkward since it had been almost two weeks since you had any considerable amount of alone time and even longer since you were able to have a date night that wasn’t interrupted by Jeff or Erica or someone who needed something from him.

He took a few steps closer towards you, a look of concern etched on his features. “What’s wrong?”

The words were on the tip of your tongue when he looked at you, eyebrows lifted as he waited for you to spit it out.

“I guess I feel like we’ve been distant.”

He pushed his head forward, almost like he hadn’t expected that to be the issue. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know,” you shrugged, caught off guard by his pushiness. Maybe you shouldn’t have brought it up.

“You don’t know?” He pressed.

You broke eye contact with him for a minute, wondering why you had to state the obvious. “Well, you’re busy all the time, Harry.”

He let his shoulders rise and fall in defeat, looking around the room in frustration. “I told you that finishing the album would be busy.”

“Yeah, but you forgot to mention that you’d also be busy when the album is done once promo starts and then tour,” your voice was quiet, not so much angry as you were upset.

You were tired. You wanted nothing more than to spend a night on the couch with him and only him, tell him about LA and about the sudden itch you felt to see more of the world than just London.

But with Jake and Adam always around and Bryn and Jessie, too, paired with interruptions from Jeff and Erica--it felt as if there was no hope for a private or honest conversation.

He came to sit closer to you on the couch now, took your hands in his. “I know my job is a lot, okay? I know it’s annoying that I don’t necessarily get weekends off or have a typical schedule, but once the album is out and the promo is done I’ll have a bit of a break before the tour. We can go on vacation somewhere, just us.”

It sounded nice, maybe a tropical island or a cabin in the woods. But before you could nod in agreement the thought of Los Angeles popped into your head.

His album was due out in December, promo from now through the New Year, some time off in February and March for both of your birthdays and then tour. You had no clue where you’d be by then.

Would you be in LA? Would you be in London? Would you be stuck in this same spot on his couch with decision paralysis and a crushing sense of uncertainty about the future?

He knew you were over-thinking and tilted his head. “What?”

You blew out a slow breath of air, twisted a ring on your finger and then looked up at him again.

You didn’t even have a chance to be more honest, a buzz on your phone on the coffee table in front of you both broke the room in half, the name of the woman you’d spoken to was in bold next to your email icon. You reached for it quickly, Harry’s brows furrowed when you pulled it close to your chest so he wouldn’t see.

“What’s that?”

Hi Y/N, thank you so much for your patience over the last few days. We would love to offer you a position with NBC Universal - E! News as an on-air correspondent in our Los Angeles headquarters.

You looked up at him quickly, cheeks red and heart racing.

“What’s happening, are you okay?”

“I got a job offer,” you said quickly, still holding the phone close to you.

“What?” He smiled, “why didn’t you tell me you were looking? I didn’t even know--”

“It’s in Los Angeles.”

His smile faded instantly, he blinked a few times like he must have misheard you. The leather of his couch felt cool beneath your legs, a clock on the wall ticked and for a second, you wondered if he could hear your pulse as loudly as you could.

He pulled his eyes away from you but then quickly scanned over your face. “Are you taking it?”

“I don’t know,” you said honestly.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Silence, words filled your brain and crawled up the back of your throat, desperate to be said out loud, in real life, instead of just circling in your head.

Because I don’t know what we’re doing or if we’re moving forward. I don’t know where I want to live. I don’t know if I can stay in London forever. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

Only the last part made it out between your lips. “I don’t know.”

“Y/N,” he stood up, more angry now as he looked around the room and scratched at the base of his neck. “This kind of feels like a bombshell to drop on someone.”

“I was going to tell you--but we haven’t had a second alone, I just didn’t want to have to tell everyone before I knew what was happening.”

“You didn’t even tell me you interviewed,” he said.

“The last time I saw you alone we got interrupted by Erica three times in one conversation.”

“Probably for a good reason--”

“But you seriously can’t even put your phone down lately when we have dinner, even when everyone else is there!”

“I can’t help it that my work is insanely busy right now!”

“I don’t want to fight with you,” you said this quickly, voice higher than usual and a heat on your skin that he normally didn’t provoke, at least not in a bad way. You stood from the couch and put your hands on your hips. “I don’t know what I’m going to do and I don’t even know if this job is right for me and under no circumstances are you allowed to tell anyone. Especially Jessie.”

He rolled his eyes at that.

“What’s the eye roll for?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “Everyone just got back and now you might leave and--”

“I said I don’t know if I’m going to take it.”

He was quiet at that, clucked his tongue in thought but then disappeared upstairs to shower and change.

The car ride over was awkward, he asked how your day had been and you told him you talked to Alyssa, he bristled when you admitted you told her about it.

It wouldn’t be the end of the conversation, you were sure of that. You’d likely end up at his for the night and he’d apologize for being busy, you’d apologize for not telling him and maybe, you hoped, he’d ask you to stay over.

When you greeted Adam with a hug, you ignored Harry’s sour mood and opened the menu in front of you.

“My first dinner as a Londoner,” Jessie smiled, shimming her shoulders in excitement when Bryn looked over the specials across the table from you.

“This is on you, right? New job, new salary?” Jake teased.

“Maybe if I hadn’t just bought a whole new bedroom set,” she rolled her eyes.

“How’s everything with you?” Adam eyed Harry, his question veiled to avoid too many details in public.

Luckily, Harry’s ability to go out in public in London was similar to that in New York. As long as a private room or a table in the back was requested, he could typically get away unscathed if dinner was less than 2 hours and if he had his back to the dining room.

“Fine,” he shrugged, eyes still down at the drink menu.

“Fine?” Jessie leaned forward, her tone insinuating that she didn’t believe him. “You’ve been working really hard all summer and now all you say is ‘fine?’”

He glanced up at her, lips in a forced smile. “S’all good, Jess--just tired.”

Bryn gave you a look, one that asked what stick is up his ass?, before she changed the topic.

“Let’s not tell our server how fit she is tonight, yeah?”

Jake let out a snort of a laugh and sipped at the water that had already been brought to your table. “Alright, you thought the one last week was just as hot as I did.”

“I did,” Bryn agreed seriously, “but I didn’t offer my number unsolicited. How do you know she’s even straight?”

“She’s got a point,” Jessie chimed in. “Remember when you asked that girl to dance in the club when her girlfriend was right there with her arm around her?”

“I thought they were just mates!” Jake defended.

“You also have the worst radar for gay women ever,” Bryn nodded.

“When was this?” Harry asked, the hint of a smile on his face when he watched Jake adjust his napkin on his lap.

The words came out of your mouth without thought. “You weren’t here--you were in LA.”

He met your eyes when you replied, nodded, and then leaned back in his chair, effectively bowing out of the conversation without saying another word.

You weren’t trying to be short with him. You looked over to Jessie, who undoubtedly sensed the tension, and offered a smile. “How’s the flat?”

“Good,” she nodded. “Glad that all my furniture got put together without any scratches,” she reached over and patted Adam on the shoulder.

“We’re not children, Jessie, we can handle some furniture.”

“You broke my dresser when I asked you guys to move it into another room,” Bryn reminded, a look of confusion on her face at Adam’s retort.

“Only because it was already half broken and a piece of shit,” Jake said. “I love you, Brynnie, but that dresser was already knocking on Heaven’s door.”

Harry let out a laugh at that, another memory that he had missed while on a trip to a studio somewhere north of London. He excused himself to the bathroom after you placed your orders, and once he was out of earshot, Jake leaned down and looked at you.

“What’s going on with him?”

You forced a cheesy grin and blinked a few times. “He’s just grumpy.”

“‘Bout what?” Bryn asked.

“Guys,” you leaned back in your chair, hoping you didn’t have to say too much. “I can’t tell you every single thing that happens in our relationship.”

“Well, when it affects us I think we have the right to know,” Jessie shrugged, playing the typical we don’t like when our parents fight card.

“It’s not affecting you,” you shook your head, eyed her seriously over your glass of Pinot Noir.

Adam shrugged, a smirk on his face let you know he was trying to rile you up. “He’s grumpy at dinner and we’re all here and we’re all aware of it. We don’t like tension between you two.”

“Alright, leave the woman alone,” Jake waved them off. “As long as everything’s alright.”

“It’s totally alright,” you nodded, wondering when you’d gotten so comfortable lying to them. “He’s just busy with the next phase of work.”

With Harry’s album yet to be announced, you couldn’t sit around in a London restaurant and divulge details--even if you were all acutely aware of the work he’d put in and the upcoming announcements and events.

Adam let it go. “How’s work for you, Smalls?”

Another shrug of your shoulders, “s’good--I told you all about my November cover story, right?”

“Yeah,” Jessie sipped a glass of Cabernet. “But you said you didn’t know who it was going to be with.”

“Well, s’cause I had to drop the bomb on him first,” you nodded in the direction of the bathroom. “I’ll be sitting down in a few days with Ms. Gigi Hadid,” you lowered your voice and leaned forward to say her name.

Bryn’s eyes went wide, Jake grimaced.

“How’d he take that?” Adam asked.

“He’s not thrilled,” you admitted. “But I’ll talk with his team about what to avoid specifically, I guess. Her team will probably have a list of off-limits items too.”

Bryn let her elbows rest on the white tablecloth. “Yeah, but, you can’t just ignore the fact that she’s dating Zayn.”

“I also can’t just barge in and stir shit up,” you said.

Harry pulled his chair out next to you and sat back down. “Who are you stirring shit up with?”

Everyone chose to be quiet now--Adam looked down at his phone and Jessie reached for her wine again.

“Just telling them about my cover story,” you admitted, watching his face for a reaction.

He nodded, a tiny smirk in your direction. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t stir shit up,” he said, reaching to put a hand on your thigh beneath the table.

Those were the moments that made you feel less panicky--the realization that he was still choosing you and even when the tension was high and the mood was low, he’d reach over and remind you that yes, he cared. Even if he was late to dinner or distracted.

Which is why, when you got back in his car that night and headed for his house, you were surprised when his mood shifted again.

“I’ll just drop you at yours?”

“Oh--yeah, sure.”

“Did you want to come to mine?” He looked over at you like he hadn’t expected any resistance to sleeping separately.

You were quiet for a second--not if he didn’t want you there. “No, it’s fine.”

“I can’t read your mind, Y/N.”

“You don’t have to,” you said quickly, a prickly tone to your words when he made an unreadable face.

He drove in silence for a few minutes, closing in on your neighborhood when the street lamps disappeared for the sake of suburbia.

Eventually he cleared his throat and that sent you over the edge.

“What do you want me to say, Harry? Do you want me to apologize for interviewing for this job?”

“No,” he said simply. “I just don’t know why you thought you didn’t need to tell me about a huge decision like that.”

“It wasn’t a decision until today when they offered it to me.”

“Just seems like something you talk to your boyfriend about.”

You looked over at him in the dark of night, the glow from the dashboard didn’t help you see his features as he turned left onto your street.

“Well, sorry that we didn’t have the opportunity to talk about it between your work schedule and Jessie moving in and group dates--”

He slowed down on your street, put his flashers on when he stopped in front of your building. “I don’t want to keep secrets from each other,” his voice was softer now. “I don’t want to not know what’s going on in your life. I did enough of that for two years when we weren't talking.”

You sighed at this, the sentiment broke whatever anger was lurking inside you and when you looked up to see him, you wondered if you should ask him.

Are we ever going to move in together? Are we ever going to get engaged?

You figured the lead up to his sophomore album wasn’t the best time for that conversation. He pressed a kiss to your forehead and you climbed the stairs to your flat alone.

**

A few days later you sat nervously in a conference room and watched as beads of sweat formed on the water glass in front of you. Tyler had brought you in, offered you a breath mint, and promised you’d be fine. When you asked him if the whole room was hot he said it was just you and your nerves--but the droplets of water that raced towards the wooden conference table begged to differ.

You’d gotten email after email this morning: one from Jeff with the rules he and Harry had come up with and eight from Gigi’s team with requests for snacks, topics to discuss, topics to avoid, lunch request, arrival and departure time, and a few extra regarding booking her photoshoot the next day.

A text lit up your screen when you tried to smooth your your hair in the reflection of your screen.

Jake Newcomb (10:42am): In case you’re wondering what to get me for my birthday, a video of Gigi Hadid saying she loves me would be perfect!

You ignored his text and felt a pang of disappointment in your gut, you thought it would have been Harry with words of encouragement.

He was fine with you doing the interview, he seemed to come around to the idea when he met with Jeff and had a chance to mark some things as off limits.

So far, his list was as follows:

Don’t publish anything too negative about anyone in the band (if she says anything negative about anyone in the band)

Harry and Jeff got to listen to the taped interview

Harry and Jeff got to read the article before you sent it off to your editor and could make suggestions to cut things if they felt it necessary.

It seemed silly, but you’d long been used to the lingo of contracts and riders and ground rules for things like these. You knew both Harry and Jeff trusted you, in fact, Jeff was now choosing to see this as a good opportunity for press before the announcement of Harry’s album.

Your biggest concern, truly, was not looking/sounding/acting like an idiot in a room alone with Gigi Hadid. Your second biggest concern was conducting a unique interview and writing a unique article.

You knew that Naomi and Tyler were nearby for support if needed, Tyler had already walked by the conference room three times to see if your subject had arrived and likely to make sure you hadn’t sweat through your blouse. You thought the commotion in the hallway was him until you saw a group of busy-looking people with cellphones and sunglasses.

“Hi,” you stood from your chair, extended a hand in her direction and offered your best professional smile. “It’s nice to meet you, Gigi, thanks for doing this interview.”

She seemed hesitant at first, smiled a little and shook your hand. “Happy to,” she said. She turned over her shoulder and locked eyes with the woman who seemed to be the most in-charge of the group. “I’m good,” she nodded.

They hustled out quickly, you stood frozen in place and watched as she took off her coat before sitting in the chair you’d pulled out for her. Once the door was shut behind her posse, she let out a sigh that bled into a frustrated laugh.

“I could never do an interview with all of them just loitering around--wouldn’t that be so weird?”

You nodded, mirrored her smile and had to remind your body how to move. Left foot, right, breathe, sit in the chair.

You weren’t really one to get star struck, but then again, you didn’t spend too much time with celebrities that weren’t Harry or his close friends. You certainly never sat down with a model like Gigi to have a conversation that could be as awkward as this one.

She checked her phone quickly but then put it face down on the table. “I am happy to do this, I know it might feel weird for us to be hanging out--but boys are stupid anyway.”

You smiled at this, immediately relaxed when she leaned back in her chair and crossed her legs.

“Did you also get a whole list of things to not talk to me about?”

She stifled a laugh and rolled her eyes. “Zayn can be a man of few words but,” she looked down at your phone on the table. “Off the record--he had quite a bit to say when I told him you were doing the interview.”

“Off the record,” you laughed, “Harry did too. But how is Zayn?”

“He’s good--thinking about getting back in the studio at some point to start working on a new album, he’s been writing a bunch. Harry’s doing the same I assume?”

“Yes, yeah, he’s been really busy.”

“I know things might not have gone great between all of them at the end, but I don’t want this to be awkward for us.”

“Me neither. You can say as much or as little about the band as you’d like.”

She nodded, you figured it was time to give your pre-interview spiel.

“So, I’ll record us in a few seconds, you can obviously say ‘off the record’ if there’s something you don’t want me to include, but I like my interviews to be like conversations, basically. I’ll send someone on your team the recording when we’re done and a typed transcript. You’ll have 48-hours to look over it and revoke any statements that you don’t want me publishing or to clarify anything. After that I’ll write the story, send a final copy to your team before it gets finalized here, again, 48-hours to look it over and request any changes but at that time we don’t have to approve the requests. This is all in a document somewhere that someone probably signed for you--I’m sure your team is used to it, they know what they’re doing.”

You reached forward and pressed a few buttons on your phone, she watched until you looked up and told her: “It’s on now, so we’re recording and today is September 10th, 2019.”

She smiled like you were old friends. “Where do we start?”

“Is there somewhere you want to start?”

She leaned her head to the side. “We can jump right to it--”

“To what?”

“Oh come on,” she laughed. “Us talking about One Direction will make headlines for weeks.”

“Yeah,” you shrugged. “It’s funny that us just sitting down together will be a big deal, right? As if we’ve got nothing better to talk about than them.”

“Sexism at it’s finest,” she admitted.

“Do you find that a lot in your industry?”

She thought on this for a second, looked out the window but nodded. “It’s unavoidable, in a lot of ways. I think there have been a lot of changes over the last few years to at least move us in the right direction, but we’ve got a long way to go.”

“How would you want to see it change for the better?”

“Well, I’d love to have more privacy about my love life, for one,” she caught herself, looked to you quickly as if she felt bad. “Off the record, we can talk about it here, it’s fine. It’s different to talk about it with a woman, number one. And you’re you, you get it.”

“We don’t have to talk about it,” you offered.

“No, I don’t mind. Unless you plan on asking me stupid things like how amazing is it to be dating someone as handsome as him or do I find that his job overshadows mine, we’re good. We can be back on the record, too,” she looked down at the numbers on your phone, eyeing the ticking of the recording clock.

“But do you know what I mean? No one asks guys questions like that--or they’re different, at least. People just want to know everything about your relationship when you’re a woman and they view you in the context of who you’re sleeping with.”

“Yeah,” you nodded. “I get that.”

She smiled, “it’s hard to date someone famous, isn’t it? Lots of rules around it.”

You were surprised by the genuine look in her eyes, despite her own status and contracts and income, she seemed to be acknowledging that the two of you shared a unique experience and were now brought together under strange circumstances.

“It’s definitely hard for me--but, isn’t it easier seeing as you also have an assistant and a manager and people to, I don’t know, facilitate things? Not to invalidate how hard it still is.”

She laughed at that, “Yeah, in some ways, probably. He’s really private though, which is good for us. We focus on ourselves and do our own thing most of the time.”

“Right--you seem pretty private about it for the most part.”

“Yeah,” she shrugged, reflecting on your words for a second. “I think to me it feels weird that my relationship status can make so much news, you know? Modeling is my job and obviously that’s not your typical nine-to-five but--I like to focus on my work and when male journalists are continuously obsessed with my love life, I find that weird. I mean, you get that, right? I’m sure it’s no different with Harry.”

You bit your lip, embarrassed at how she’d managed to turn it around. She was right--you’d been getting more and more annoyed with how much your relationship with Harry was dictating your life--and for some reason, you admitted this to her.

“People are much more interested in me because I’m dating him--but they’d be just as interested in you even if you weren’t.”

“Would they?” She tilted her head to the side, another rise and fall of her shoulders as she looked around the room. “I get what you’re saying, but sometimes it feels like dating him gave my career a huge boost. I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No, I totally get it. I feel the same way. I was building my career in New York and it was going well and I was writing fun stuff and making a name for myself and then I started hanging out with him and--”

“Everyone started to care more about you?”

“Exactly.”

You thought about the headlines, the articles, the pictures in tabloids that undoubtedly helped your name spread like wildfire through London and New York. You had to ignore it, most of the time, reassure yourself that you were a good journalist and a good employee and the good things in your career were not just a byproduct of the boy who slept in your bed.

She smiled knowingly, her lips in a thin line when she looked down to the tape recorder, almost like she felt guilty for steering the conversation in a different direction.

“Sorry,” you cleared your throat, sitting up straight. “Back to business.”

The conversation bled into more normal things: the upcoming fall fashion week, how she manages self-care when she’s busy jetting from city to city, and, try as you might, the two of you wound your way back to your commonalities a few times: sexism in your industries, life as young women dating famous men.

You thanked her profusely at the end and promised that Tyler would be in touch to confirm the date and time for her corresponding photoshoot later that week. She draped a Versace leather tote over her shoulder and seemed to float out of the office with a posse of beautiful people behind her.

You stood--still awestruck--in the hallway and watched as the elevator doors slid shut.

“She’s prettier in person,” Tyler said from beside you, a notebook in hand as he stared at the air she’d once occupied. “I didn’t know if that type of thing was possible but she’s definitely one of the prettiest humans I’ve ever seen.”

“She was nice,” you turned around to see Naomi behind him, also eager for more details. You headed back for your office in a trance, they scurried behind you as you thought aloud. “I mean, I didn’t think she’d be rude--but I didn’t know what to expect with the whole band history stuff.”

“Did you talk about that?”

“Less about the band and more about--” you blinked a few times and sat down at your desk, “sexism, what it’s like to be a woman dating a famous man and how that affects your career.”

Both of their eyes went wide, a smile tugged at Naomi’s lips when Tyler put a hand over his heart in shock.

“I’m sorry, so you’re telling me that you just had a heart to heart with Gigi Hadid about sexism and your boyfriends and--”

“I guess so,” you shrugged, just as surprised as they were.

**

You gave Harry fewer details that night over FaceTime as you brushed your teeth. He was somewhere in New York, disappointed that he’d miss Jake’s birthday dinner and celebration, but he promised to make it up to him when he got back.

He lifted a cup of tea to take a sip, light shone through the window behind him on your screen and he scrolled through emails on his laptop.

You spit into the sink, an ocean between you.

“Have you thought at all about the offer? You have to tell them by tomorrow, yeah?”

You nodded, wiped at your mouth with a towel and then crossed your arms. “I can stay, I mean--if you want me to.”

He made a face at that, leaned forward and furrowed his brows together. “Of course I want you to stay, Y/N, but I don’t want to be the reason you pass on something important."

You were quiet for a second, uncapped lotion before spreading some across your forehead.

"I'm sorry I didn't react well when you told me. I'm proud of you and it sounds like a phenomenal opportunity...I don't know, it's just the timing of it--"

You cut him off, “well none of this is ideal timing, Harry.”

“Do you mean with my album?”

“I mean with any of it,” you said truthfully. “The album, the job offer--”

“Well the album existed before the job offer,” he trailed off.

Only a matter of seconds and a handful of words had managed to get you elevated and angry and ready to fight. That was happening more easily, these days.

“So what am I supposed to do? Always come second? Make every decision in my life based off of your career and your music?”

“S’not what I’m saying.”

“Then what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that--I dunno--I thought you knew what you were getting into.”

Quiet, your hands gripped the counter in your bathroom. Your bare feet were on the floor and you wondered why you were trying so hard to make everything work if things were only getting harder.

“That came out wrong,” he shook his head, the look on his face let you know he wanted to take it back.

“No, it didn’t." You let out a sharp laugh. "I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Take the job,” he said quickly, like he saw you reaching for the button to end the FaceTime call.

“What?”

“Take it. If it’ll make you happy, take it.”

“And what about us?”

“We figure it out,” he shrugged. “We try.”

You sighed, unsure what to say.

"It's Los Angeles," he said. "Not Antarctica."

You blew air between your lips, looked up at him for a second. The curl of hair that dipped onto his forehead, the way his mouth pulled up in the corner like it always had.

“I love you, Y/N. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

His words didn’t offer any relief and you spent most of the night staring at the ceiling, tossing and turning and wondering how on earth you were supposed to make a decision.

Leaving him in London felt stupid. A few bumps in the road and you were ready to jump ship?

But staying and hoping for a ring or a shared address felt even stupider, somehow. You couldn’t pass up a dream job and hope that things would go well for your career if you weren’t going to work for it.

A few hours of rest came after 3am, your morning coffee was a tad bitter and the clouds in the sky seemed to match your mood. Maybe you should have spent more time thinking it over, talking it out, even calling your mum or Katie for advice.

But you couldn’t have told everyone about the job offer without a certain answer, and unfortunately, the person you wanted to talk to the most didn’t seem like he could be impartial.

You’d been upset, you’d been feeling disconnected from him, but that didn’t erase all of the good times and the happy memories you’d made, right?

Naomi and Tyler locked themselves in your office for lunch on Friday, they promised that they’d never tell your boss and they swore they supported you either way. Tyler used an expo marker to make a pros and cons list of staying in London and Naomi came up with a points system for each bullet on the list.

You stared at it, looked at the names of all of your friends, your family, your favorite cafes and restaurants in London. At the very bottom of what had become a long list of reasons to stay was his name.

And on the other side, Tyler’s poor drawing of an engagement ring sat beside a big question mark.

You didn’t know what the future held for you and Harry, and maybe that was okay. You didn’t know what would happen when you packed your life into a suitcase and moved to New York, but you’d survived to tell the tale.

They were quiet, eyes darting from the board back to you as they waited for you to say something.

You sighed, Tyler shifted on the couch in your office and Naomi smoothed out her blouse.

“I can’t take it,” you said.

Tyler’s eyes went wide, “really? You’re staying?”

“I can’t leave,” you shrugged. “I can’t leave him behind and leave my friends and start all over in a new city right as I’m really finding my groove here again.”

“Okay, I know we said we’d support you either way but I would have been fucking pissed if you went,” Tyler admitted, moving closer to wrap his arms around you.

You laughed, let him squeeze you before Naomi joined in.

“Me too,” she confessed, a smile on her face when she pulled away. “But I would have at least faked happy for you.”

You bit back the doubt and second-guessing, used their excitement to fuel a regretful email.

Thank you so much for the opportunity, but after careful consideration I cannot accept this position due to the geographical location.

Your thumb hovered over the small blue arrow, a wave of panic flooded through you when you hit send, like somehow, something inside of you knew that everything was about to change.

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tag list: @thurhomish @styles217 @ursamajor603 @mleestiles @determined-overthinker @g0bl1nqueen @hsfics @sing-me-a-song-harry @theresnooneheretosave @cronias13 @rainbowbutterflyboy @unknown7549

AN: apologies in advance for the cliffhanger......except I'm not sorry lmao

[ladyeliot]

I got you.

Request: Anonymous. Hello there, first of all I love your way of writing, the fics are great! Could I send you an request? Maybe the reader and Chris met again after the pandemic, they have an unfinished relationship and she realizes that she still loves him. Don't worry if you don't feel like it, thanks a lot! 

Pairing: Chris Evans x Fem!Reader

Warning: Mentions of anxiety and the pandemic. A little angst.

Word count: 2687

Notes: Sorry for taking so long! And for my spelling and grammatical mistakes, English is not my native language, I am learning.

There had been so many times when you had imagined yourself growing old with him in that house that you didn't know how to deal with the situation right now. You were in Massachusetts, inside your car, standing in front of his house, without any warning and without knowing how he would react when he saw you after so many months.

You and Chris had a history, a short but passionate history that lasted two and a half years as an established couple and one year with comings and goings. The reason for the break-up was not the end of the love, but the time. The time you spent apart was longer than the time you spent together, your work was not very compatible with his, and although you both did your best to overcome it, it was not enough. Even so, after the friendly break-up the relationship didn't end completely, let's say it never had a point and end, becoming friends with benefits, and it was something that didn't seem to matter to you. However, there was a conversation going on between you, and although neither of you named it, that conversation was present. Every time you coincided for a short period of days everything happened except that conversation, and without it neither of you could evolve, neither of you could have freedom. You felt that you were still bound, and you both knew it.

The global pandemic did not benefit your situation, while he stayed in Boston with his family, you flew home. At first everyone thought that the situation would be resolved in a couple of months at most, but as time went on the problem became bigger. The months passed, the pandemic became uncontrollable and everyone stopped their lives. Your contact with Chris was not lost, but it weakened, there were too many things to think about and the constant fear that something might happen to a loved one made you anxious, and your priorities were elsewhere.

As time went by you discovered to value the little things in life, perhaps because of the pandemic. You realized what really mattered, what made you happy and what you were willing to fight for in your day-to-day life. Chris was one of those things. Your life with him was not perfect, like nothing else in this life, but the positives outweighed the negatives. Confinement allowed you to meditate, to consider how you wanted your future to be and to discover that the important thing was to live in the moment, because you never know what is going to happen. It was clear that during the pandemic you couldn't fight for what you wanted, nor take a plane and fly to where he was, but things would slowly come back to normal, and it would be time to make an important decision.

As you had predicted, light began to appear at the end of the tunnel. Things were relaxing again, taking on a new normalcy and you had to start to take up your old life again. Conversations with Chris had increased over the last few months, you had too much to say but it was a bit difficult for both of you to put it on the screen, so in the end you always ended up talking nonsense and getting a laugh out of each other. Maybe that was what you liked best about him, that he managed to make you smile even in your worst moments. It was comforting to discover that he was well, that he had overcome, with his more and with his less, that period and that your feelings towards him had not changed.

It was obvious that you were back to your routine, and that meant that work would barely let you take a break. The New York company had not dealt with the COVID crisis very well and the situation was quite alarming. You barely had time to reconnect with your friends, as you set foot in New York City hundreds of business problems fell upon you. Stress was trapping you, preventing you from even sleeping at night, and all you needed was to escape from that environment because your head was going to explode. You were told that several trips were planned to discuss the impact the pandemic had had on various locations around the country, and you felt an immediate relief when you were told, unless you could get away from the centre of the bomb.

Your destination was even more comforting, as it was barely 30 kilometres from your previous residence with Chris. The plane left for Boston first thing in the morning, the sky had not yet awakened and you chose to rest your eyes for the 60 minutes that the journey took. You hadn't spoken to him for the last two weeks, basically since you arrived in New York, when he called you, you were in business meetings and always came home in the early hours of the morning, falling into bed. That was your life, quite complicated to complement with external factors.

The meeting with the Boston headquarters was not too negative, which got you to relax and send good news to your company. The most positive factor you brought out is that you had finished early enough to do what you had in mind since you discovered your trip to Boston. You borrowed a car from your company and set off for the house where you had lived for almost two years. You didn't know if he would be there when you arrived or if it would be completely empty, but you erased those thoughts from your mind and just drove.

You knew the route perfectly, you used to do it every morning. It was nice to rediscover the variety of colours that those little forests could have during the autumn. You lowered the window so that the wind would fill the interior of the car, producing extreme relief in you, relaxing every limb and freeing your mind from any stressful event. That's all you wanted during the long, final months of your life. It took you just over 30 minutes to reach your destination, and when you were there the world around you came to a standstill. It had been so long since you had been in front of each other that a little worry had formed inside you.

You assumed that naturalness was the best way to deal with such a situation, so you chose to get out of the car and face what might happen. You analysed the outside of the house, there was no car in the driveway, no sign of anyone inside, but a very familiar voice, along with some barking, guided you to the back of the garden. A wistful look on your face, and your smile widened when you discovered that Dodger, hearing the rustling of leaves under your feet, had noticed you. From the distance he headed towards you at great speed, causing Chris to fix his gaze on you. As usual, Dodger lunged at you, causing you to fall backwards into the wet grass, but you were used to that.

The next few minutes hundreds of emotions met in the air. The reunion with Chris was silent, but many things were said through the eyes. First came the nervous smiles, then the excited look and then the hugs.

"It's been so long since I've hugged you... that I've forgotten how it feels to be hugged by you," he whispered those words in your ear and made you tremble, wishing that the embrace would never end.

There were no questions between the two of you, no "What are you doing here" or "Why did you come here", you didn't need an answer to either of them, you wanted to focus on the moment. You went back into that house, for the first time in a long time, accompanied by a Dodger that was fully seeking your attention and that almost prevented you from walking.

"Let's go, buddy! Let Y/N in the house," he said trying to catch him. "Oh, he just ignores me. I'm sorry you'll have to manage on your own. He has chosen, very smart."

Chris' comment made you show a sweet smile as Dodger tried to lick your whole face as you crouched at his height.

"I've missed you too, sweetie," you said, standing up as you could.

You headed inside the house, where Chris was watching you with a tender expression on his face. As you entered, a warmth and that unmistakable aroma of Chris was in the air. It was a mixture between the smell of wood from the fireplace and his fragrance. That caused your senses to come together and create a familiarity in you. You looked around curiously, quickly analysing every corner, Chris waited while you checked.

"It's all the same," you said in a soft tone smiling at him.

"Yep," he replied in the same soft tone. "Will you stay for dinner with us?"

You showed him a smile as you slowly nodded. "That sounds great."

You knew you had one night before your plane back to New York left the next day. There was too much to do and too much to say for just one night, and neither of you were likely to start that conversation, you were experts at it.

Both of you got down to work in the kitchen, as if you were back in the past. Neither of you were experts in that field, but you used to let yourselves go. Dodger, calmer, took a seat in his basket and watched you with curiosity.

"Beer?" asked Chris, approaching you with a bottle.

"Thank you," you took it and took a little drink, imitating him.

The situation was common, two people cooking, but for you it was not at all common where you were. Chris was a person who did not hide his emotions, and you had seen this during the time you had spent together. In the relationship it was much harder for you to express what you were feeling, but at that moment it was perhaps not too much for you to be back in your old home, with the man you had loved, after a year of not seeing each other and having a relationship that was not quite closed.So you finally put down the knife you were cutting onions with and threw yourself away, knowing that everything could go wrong.

"Aren't you going to ask me why I'm here?" You frowned softly and looked at him.

Chris was caught off guard by the question, as he watched you and arched his eyebrows, while leaning against the refrigerator.

"Okay," he nodded across his arms. "Why are you here?

You remained pensive, you had gone into the lion's den, because even you did not know very well how to answer that question. Why were you there? You opened your lips to look for a coherent explanation, but nothing. Chris was waiting for the answer, but he realised that you didn't know what to say, so he approached you. "It's okay," he said, taking a lock of your hair and putting it behind his ear.

"No," you frowned. "It's not okay."

"What do you mean?" he asked curiously, returning to his previous position.

"To us," you pointed. "I don't know if it's right what we're doing to each other.”

"What are we doing to each other?" he asked gently, trying to get you to express what was on your mind.

"This," you raised your voice a little. "We didn't finish. We have no end..."

"That's why you came," he crossed his arms at a considerable distance. "To put an end to it?"

You asked yourself if you had come to that, and the answer was obvious, no, you had not come to that.

"No", you whispered looking into his eyes, then you put your hand to your face. "God, this is too complicated."

"Hey...", he came up to you again and took his hand away from your face. "If it wasn't complicated it wouldn't be us."

Those were the truest words he had ever said. You both had a magnet for complicated situations and were the first to try to deal with them.

"Try to tell me why you came here," he kindly insisted again. "I have a clear idea, but I need you to confirm it.

You remembered how you felt when you got there, when you drove there, when you discovered that the business trip was taking you to Boston, where he was. All your happiness in those days was for him. During the pandemic you told yourself that you needed a change in your life, that many things had been lost because of your previous priorities, and your mood had also changed.

"I have come... ", you sighed, emptying your lungs and taking in air again. "I'm here... During the pandemic, I realized what really makes me happy, how things can change from one day to the next and that you have to fight for what you want." You felt a little embarrassed. "God..."

Chris knew how complex everything was for you, that you only extracted your sentimental feelings and thoughts when you were angry and had an argument, so that was a big effort.

"Please Y/N, continue", he gave you a soft smile.

"In short..." you started.

"No, don't summarize", Chris cut you off with a little laugh, which relaxed you.

"Okay," you leaned against the kitchen island and took a breath of air. "It's simple, I've decided that I want to be happy, and you make me happy.”

When you released that sentence you felt an inner relief, you freed yourself from a great weight that had been with you for a long time, and now Chris had everything in his hands. The next ten seconds were the longest of your life, you waited to see Chris' reaction, who was just a few meters away looking at you with a little smile on his face, that you didn't know how to take it.

"Well?" you whispered expectantly. "Are you planning to say something?"

The smile on Chris' face widened and he slowly took a step towards you to shorten the distance, standing face to face, finding you between the kitchen island and his body. He didn't say anything, it was what he did that made you realize his opinion. He stretched out his arms to take your face in his hands and approached you very slowly to kiss your lips. Your heart gave a return when you felt him so close to you again, testing his taste on your lips again, rediscovering the touch of his beard. A bark from Dodger came in the moment, but you barely noticed the event, as you were too busy meeting again.

You split up by cutting off the kiss and frowning.

"Wait. You haven't said anything, what do you think?"

"Come on honey, isn't it obvious?"

You arched an eyebrow waiting, Chris rolled his eyes and caught you sitting on the kitchen counter, you being taller than him.

"You're going to make me say it," he said, looking at your smile. "If I tell you that I love you, so that I can kiss you again and then later develop the answer, will that help?”

Those were the things you loved about him.

"It depends on the kiss."

Chris soon had you in his hands again, more firmly than the previous time. You let yourselves go forgetting everything around you, as if you wanted to make up for all the lost time, all the time apart. Chris lifted you off the counter again and you wrapped your legs around his waist.

"I got you," he whispered against your lips.

"You've always got me."

Tag list: @imerdwarf @mycosmicparadise @lavendertales

Requests/Taglist Open (DM)

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[ethereal-bang]

Best Friend’s Brother’s Best Friend

Characters: Felix x female reader, Bang Chan, an OC

Words: 4.4k

Type: strangers to lovers, smut (kinda? suggestive), some major fluff cause I’m a softie for Lix

Request :  Hey! I would like to request smth but the fluff/smut scenario is complex (u can just ignore it if its too much for u😊) U are Bang chan's little sister's bestfriend n one time he comes back for vacation from korea w Felix n he proposes him to come sleep over, this day u r also supposed to sleep over at Chris' sister's, so u meet him n Felix for the first time. There's smth obvious between u n Felix, things go on n turns out also heated (sry i didn't know how to explain all of this🥺) Thank U☺️

Requests Are Open!

Warnings: mature content, not explicitly smut but things get pretty heated (will be pretty vanilla. dry humping, heavy kissing etc) Do Not Read if you are under the age of 18. This piece of work is intended for mature audiences only

You’ve always loved the summer. The feeling of freedom, no responsibilities and the exciting prospect of unknown adventures always brings a smile to your face.

Today is the same way. You take in the feeling of the sun warm on your back, the breeze through your hair as you ride your bike across town. The first day of summer has come, and you can’t wait to spend your days with those you hold dearest to you, like your best friend Mia.

Mia has been your friend since you were three years old. It started as two toddlers running around the playground together, your mothers keeping a watchful eye as you run through the grass and chase butterflies until your little legs give out. Many playdates were spent that way, slowly forming a bond that you knew would continue on through time and fallen leaves with the changing of each season.

Each year that past brought you new experiences. New classes, birthdays, crushes, heartbreak-- everything the two of you could've gone through together, you have. Your families even, are attached at the hip this point.

Take her older brother, Chan for instance. Only three years older than his sister, he took on the protective older brother role for you as well. Driving you to practice, helping you with homework, you name it. Although he can be a little annoying sometimes, as “big brothers” can be, you wouldn’t trade your friendship with him for the world. Which was why you were heartbroken when he was signed to JYP and off to South Korea, to pursue his dreams of making music.

You were proud of him, absolutely. He had worked so hard his entire life and you knew he was destined to do great things. The airport send off was sad, but promises of facetime calls and letters sent brought you slight comfort. 

Years went on, and your friendship with Mia, as well as Chan, never changed. Now graduated from high school, this summer was the most exciting one yet. Going off to college in the fall was daunting, but knowing that you wouldn’t have to worry about it for at least another three months meant that you could truly relax, and take in the newfound freedom that comes with being an adult.

Well, kinda.

You pulled up on your bike in front of Mia’s house; the large front porch with the cutest little swing out front reminding you of all the times you spent with her there after school. Images of hours spent running around the front yard and 25 cent lemonade stands fill your head as you make your way to the front door, not even bothering to knock because you knew Mia was home.

Setting your shoes at the door, you call out for your best friend. “Mia? It’s me, Y/N!” you say as you peak your head into the living room, finding no signs of life. “In the kitchen!” you hear her say and you immediately turn around to walk through the doors.

When you walk in, your heart soars as you spot a certain curly haired boy standing with her at the counter. “Chan!” you scream and basically knock him over. It’s been at least 4 years since you’ve last seen him, and the surprise makes your day better already. He gives you a hug and laughs his signature laugh, and you can't believe he’s actually here. “WHY didn’t you tell me you were coming home?!’ you say as you smack him on the shoulder. He pretends to be hurt and rolls his eyes. “Then it wouldn’t be a surprise, dummy” he says. It’s only then that you realize there’s someone else in the room.

You look over and immediately recognize Felix. You were obviously a fan of Stray Kids, how could you not be? This was the first time you’d met any of the other boys in person, though, and you blushed when you realized he was even more handsome than the videos made him out to be.

His blonde hair frames his face perfectly as he looks up at you, and you take in the way his freckles paint his face like the most beautiful constellation in the sky. You take in the shape of his nose, and his lips, the cupid’s bow prominent and his lips turned upwards into a shy smile. You realize that you’re staring, and the blush on your cheeks darken.

Chan clears his throat, aware of the awkward atmosphere as he laughs quietly. “Right, right. I forgot you two have never met. Y/N, this is Felix. Felix, this is Y/N, Mia’s best friend.” He says, gesturing between the two of you. Mia makes eye contact with Chan as the two of you awkwardly say your hellos, wiggling her eyebrows, and he waves her off. “It’s nice to finally meet you.” you say and stick your hand out. He stands up and does the same, shaking your hand softly. “It’s nice to meet you too! I hope we can get to know each other,” he says. You were no strange to how deep his voice is, but hearing it in person is completely different. The timbre of his voice sends a feeling up your spine that you haven’t felt in a long time. And then it strikes you. They’re here, not in Korea.

“Wait, why are the two of you here? N-not that I don't WANT you here or anything I just- you’re normally an ocean away an-” “Relax, Y/N,” Mia says, cutting off your confused rambling before you can dig yourself into a deeper hole. “Chan is home for a vacation and decided to bring ‘Lix along! Isn’t that exciting?” She says, glad to have her brother back home.

“Yep! The company decided we all needed a long break since we’ve been working so much this year, so we’ll be here for the next two months!” Chan says, and you beam. The whole summer! This opens up a brand new world of possibilities. “So,” you begin, all three of them looking at your expectantly.

“What do we do first?”

____________________________________

The first few weeks of summer are always the most exciting. Everything is a first. Movie nights, late night trips to the local diner, and catching fireflies in the backyard seem just that much more fun. You also got the chance to reconnect with Chan, and build a new friendship with Felix. 

Felix is an excitable soul. Always one for random adventures, the anticipation of the day’s activities always evident in his eyes that seem to sparkle at every moment. When it came to sleepovers, the two of you always seemed to be the first ones awake. This led to many early morning (if you call 8 am early) impromptu breakfasts together, sitting the Bang family kitchen and talking about anything and everything. Felix is incredibly funny, always having a reference or a joke up his sleeve no matter the conversation. 

Take yesterday, for example. The summer carnival in town is in full swing, and Mia thought it would be a great idea for the four of you to go. You get up bright and early and head over to their house, knocking on the door excitedly. Your breath catches in your throat when Felix opens the door. He had clearly woken up not too long before; His hair still a little messy, and a sleepy smile adorns his face when he realizes it’s you. You can’t help but giggle, he looks so cute in the early hours of the morning and it makes you want to reach up and push his puffy cheeks together. “Oh, h-hey y/n I didn’t know you’d be here so soon...I-I’m gonna go get dressed,” he stutters, letting you into the house and then rushing upstairs. 

____________

Once everyone is ready to go, you all pile into Mia’s car and head over to the carnival. The car ride is filled with singing along to the radio, windows down and taking in the sights of the city as it slowly wakes up. Something about the summer brings everyone outside, you think to yourself as you pass families sitting in patio areas for a nice breakfast and people out walking their dogs through the city streets.

Pulling into the parking lot, you bounce in your seat with excitement. It’s just opened for the day, and you can see the rides begin to move and lights turning on, adding to the atmosphere. You’re sat next to Mia in the front seat, but you can see Felix through the rearview mirror. Your eyes meet for a split second and you turn away, noticing the way his eyes sparkled when they met yours. “He’s probably just excited about the fair,” you think to yourself, shrugging it off. 

Chan and Felix are the first two out of the car, followed by Mia and then yourself. The walk to the ticket booth was short, but was filled with Chan’s excited noises as he talked about everything he wanted to do while at the carnival. It was the first time he’d been in almost 5 years, and he said it was something he had missed while overseas. 

Waiting in line at the ticket booth, you take in your surroundings as you wait for the others to buy their tickets. People have now actually made their way inside, and you can hear the music coming from the various games and rides all around you, along with the screams of the people already on some of the rollercoasters.

You’re broken out of your thoughts by Felix’s deep voice, hearing him say “2 tickets, please” to the lady at the window. Confused, you tug on his sleeve and look at him. “Felix,” you start but he smiles and shakes his head, opting to wrap your hand around his own arm as he says “Don’t worry about it, I got it.”

You feel butterflies in your chest at the action, but try not to let yourself be so easily affected. Instead, he pulls you along with Chan and Mia, and you make your way into the park. 

“So...what do we ride first?” Chan asks. He looks over to you and Felix’s intertwined arms and raises his eyebrows, giving Felix a look that luckily you didn’t see because you were too busy trying to decide if you wanted to play a game first or go on one of the rollercoasters instead.

“Let’s go play one of those first!” Mia chimes in, spotting one of those games where you throw a baseball to knock down some bottles. She’s always been the competitive type, so it’s no surprise to you as she walks over to the games, teasing Felix that he doesn’t stand a chance up against her.

This declaration of war seemed to spur something on in Felix, determination in his eyes as he watches Mia knock nearly every bottle down. She looks at him as she’s handed her prize, a little pink stuffed monkey from the middle shelf that she holds dearly to her chest. “Beat that, Felix.” she laughs as he steps up to the game booth.

You stand beside Chris and Mia and watch as Felix begins throwing the baseballs. With ridiculous precision, he knocks down two bottles. Then another three. Then another two more. You’re all watching in surprise as Felix knocks the rest of the bottles down with his final baseball, eyes wide and Mia pouting, realizing she’s been beat.

The bell dings, and the carnival worker cheers as he tells Felix to pick anything from the top shelf. He grabs a plush, cartoon cat toy and immediately turns around and hands it to you. “Here, you can have it,” he says, a blush adorning his cheeks. Your expression mirrors his as you take the toy and hold it close to your chest. Mia and Chan both roll their eyes at the innocent display of affection. Neither of them can believe that the two of you are so absolutely oblivious to each other’s feelings. 

_______

Many rollercoaster rides and carnival food later, the sky is beginning to grow dark. The day was spent playing rock paper scissors to decide who rides with who, who pays for food, and who holds the other’s things when the ride won’t allow everyone to ride together. It’s the most fun day you’ve had in a long time, and you’re thankful that you get to spend it with the people you hold dearest to you.

The sun slowly setting is making Felix look absolutely beautiful, and you have to stop yourself from constantly staring at his skin and the way the sunlight makes his freckles stand out even more than normal.

Once you return to the Bang residence, everyone goes off to do their own thing; Mia to take a shower, Chan to play some video games, and you decide to go to the backyard. Opting to sit on the bench off the back porch, you smile as you see fireflies blinking throughout the yard. Moments like these were your favorite, the calm breeze through your hair as the air is still a little sticky; once the sun sets it will cool down, so you put up with it for now.

You’re a little surprised when you see Felix come to join you outside, you thought he had been playing games with Chan upstairs. “Hey,” he says with a smile. You nod your head and he takes a seat next to you. “Penny for your thoughts?” He asks as he notices the far away look in your eyes. 

“I’m just thinking about how much fun this summer has been. How much today has been. Thank you for the stuffed animal, by the way.” You say with a blush on your cheeks. He rubs the back of his neck, feeling embarrassed and a little nervous. “Oh, yeah, no problem I mean, I know you like cats so..” “Yeah..” you say, both of you trailing off into a comfortable silence.

“You know,” you start off, “I’m really glad Chan brought you back home with him. It’s nice to finally get to know you,” you say quietly. Felix smiles and moves a little closer to you. “Yeah? I agree. I’m glad I came with him, too.” he says. He’s close enough to you on the bench that your shoulders are touching, and the proximity makes you nervous. You can feel him looking at you as your eyes wander across the back yard, watching a bunny run into the bushes. You turn to look at him, and he’s so close that time feels like it’s stood still.

He’s moving closer towards you, and your breath catches in your throat. Is he about to kiss you? Your mind is going haywire. His lips are less than an inch away from yours, and you close your eyes out of reflex. One slight move and he could jus-

“Hey guys! Let’s go get dinner, Chan says he’s paying.” You and Felix jump apart as Mia is suddenly at the back door. Scrambling to your feet, you can’t look Felix in the eye, embarrassed by almost getting caught with what was about to happen. “O-oh yeah, sure!” Felix says, just as startled as you are. He lets you head in the door before him, and you try to shake the butterflies when you remember the feeling of him so close.

____________

Today, it’s Mia who wakes up before the boys do, so the two of you wander into the kitchen, making breakfast for everyone before Felix and Chan wake up. Mia passes you the pancake mix that she’s just finished making, and you sprinkle some blueberries into the batter that you’ve put on the griddle. “Who’re the blueberries for?” Your best friend asks as she cuts some more fruit to put out for everyone. “Oh they’re for Felix, he likes blueberries,” you say as you absentmindedly wait for the pancake to cook enough to flip over. 

“You know, Felix seems to have taken a liking to you,” she teases, popping a piece of watermelon into her mouth. You roll your eyes at her, a sense of false hope spreading in your chest. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you say, hoping that you can convince her and possibly yourself, that there’s nothing there. 

“Come on y/n,” she starts, “the two of you literally ditched me and Chan the other night to sit outside and stare at fireflies before dinner. And don't think I didn’t see how close he was to you when I came outside! You just need to say something to him already. I’m begging you.” She watches you take the pancake off the griddle and place it on a plate, grabbing the bowl of pancake batter and starting on another one. 

“I don’t know Mia, maybe he wasn’t trying to kiss me! Maybe I just had something on my face! Felix is a nice guy he’d do that kind of thing for me,” you reason. In your mind, it was so far from believable that Felix could have any type of feelings for you. He’s and idol, surrounded by some of the prettiest and most talented girls around, there’s no way he’d settle for someone as normal as you.

“I see those gears turning in your head, y/n, don’t think too much of it otherwise you’re just gonna make yourself sad. He IS a nice guy, but I also can’t lie to you and tell you he doesn’t look at you the way Chan looks at every dog he’s ever seen,” she laughs. 

You were about to open your mouth to argue, but you’re saved by the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs. Chan comes first, Felix following close behind. Both of them have clearly just woken up, probably from the smell of the pancakes that you just remembered you were making. Luckily, you noticed just in time to take them off the stove and put the remaining pancakes on everyone’s plates.

“Good morning sleepyheads. Glad you could finally join us,” Mia jokes as she places the boys’ plates in front of them “Ooooo blueberries!” Felix says as he takes a look at the pancakes on his plate, and Mia shoots you a knowing look. You kick her under the table, and remain quiet as breakfast begins.

_________

The four of you decided that staying inside was the best course of action, the summer weather was in full effect today, and none of you wanted to face the July heat. The day was spent making lemonade, sharing youtube videos and  playing multiple rounds of uno, laughter filling the house because Chan and Felix were hellbent on making each other lose (which Felix did. A lot.) It was so normal, you had almost forgotten about the little moment you had with Felix last night. Almost.

Later in the afternoon, Chan speaks up all of a sudden. “Hey, Mia, remember we need to head over to Auntie’s house really quick, like Mom asked us to this morning.” He said. Looking confused, Mia walks into the living room to look at him. “What are you talking about? Mom didn’-” she stops her sentence when she sees that Chan is looking at her urgently, eyes flitting between you and Felix, who are currently engrossed in a movie on TV.

Catching on quick, Mia nods her head. “Oh, yeah, that’s right. Auntie’s house.” You look up when you hear her voice. “Auntie’s house? That sounds fun, let’s go!” 

“No!” Chan says quickly, and now he has Felix’s attention as well. “It’s a...family thing,” Mia says, trying to save her brother’s ass so they don’t get caught. “Right, right. It’s a family thing so you can’t come we’ll be back see you later!!” Chan say as he pulls Mia out the front door. Raising your eyebrows, you question your best friend’s weird antics as they shut the door. “Ooookay,” Felix laughs once the front door closes. “What do you think they’re problem is?” You question and turn back to Felix. He looks a little nervous, and you’re unsure why. “No idea,” he says quietly and turns back to the tv. 

He’s sitting far away from you on the couch, and the urge to move closer to him is growing stronger by the minute. You try to control yourself and focus on the movie, but it’s getting harder as you replay the moments from yesterday in your mind. You try to get comfortable where you’re seated, but for some reason no matter how you sit, you can't manage to stay still for more than 10 seconds. 

Felix looks over at you occasionally, wondering if you’re uncomfortable being alone with him. There’s no way, right? You’ve spent plenty of time alone with him in the past month and a half, if he had made you uncomfortable, you would’ve said something, right? And why did Chan and Mina just run out like that? He doesn’t remember ever hearing their mom mention anything about going to their aunt’s house this morning. Was he just not paying attention? 

You’re still moving about on the couch, and curiosity peaks in Felix.

“Are you okay?” Felix asks, looking over when you move for the fifth time in half a minute. “Y-yeah! Yeah I’m ok. Just a little cold,” you say, trying to play off the situation. He shifts a little in his seat, wondering if he’s really about to do what he’s thinking about doing. And before he knows it, he opens his mouth and is doing exactly what he was afraid to.

“I mean,” he begins hesitantly, “you can always..come sit over here with me, if you want. No pressure! But you know..if you want to,” He blushes, but extends his arm against the back of the couch, an open invitation for you to cuddle into his side. Thinking about it for a moment, you figure there’s no real harm in doing so, wanting to satisfy your need to be close to him in hopes that it'll stop the feeling in your chest.

You were wrong, it doesn’t help the feeling in your chest at all. If anything, it magnifies it ten fold. You scoot over to Felix’s side of the couch, tucking yourself into his side and getting comfortable. You relax in his hold, and Felix feels a sense of relief wash over him.

You try to get back into the movie, but just as you get comfortable again, a very intense romantic scene begins in the movie. The two characters are about to meet their inevitable downfall, sharing a dramatic declaration of their love. The desperation in their voices are evident, knowing that if this so happens to be the last moment they ever have on earth, then they’ll be okay with it knowing that neither of their feelings were unrequited. .It doesn’t help that Felix keeps looking over at you every thirty seconds. 

You feel Felix tense, and he turns to look down at you, your head now rested on his shoulder as you got comfy in his embrace. He wants to hold you like this forever. He panics a little, realizing how close your faces where when you turned to look up at him. He looks into your eyes and immediately melts, it reminds him of the other night, when he was just so close to finally kissing you. All he would have to do now, in this moment, is grab your jaw and pull you forward and then he’d be kissing you.

So that’s what he did.

It was a quick kiss, and Felix pulls away just as quickly as he pulls you in. “I uh..I am so sorry. I don't know what came over me if you never want me to do that again I won’t and we can forget that it ever happened I am so sorry,” he rambles, and you laugh at him. “Felix,” you say, turning to face him properly, “You have no idea..how long I have wanted you to do that.” You confess, cheeks turning red. He giggles. Giggles. That’s all the incentive you need to pull him back to you and capture his lips in another kiss.

You move to straddle his lap, your hands tangling in his hair and his immediately landing on your hips. You want to stay with him like this forever, you’ve decided. Running your hands through the soft tresses makes you realize that no one has ever made you feel the way that Felix does. He is home to you, and you know immediately that you don’t want anyone else. He moves to touch the skin that’s exposed right at the bottom of your tshirt, and a content sigh passes your lips. Felix uses the moment to slip his tongue in your mouth and you just let him take over, too lost in the feeling of him to fight for any type of dominance.

You roll your hips against him and a deep groan comes from his chest. You kiss him a little harder, and his labored breathing matches your own. You were now immensely glad that Mia and Chan were nowhere to be found.

His lips move to your neck, and the noise that comes from you does not go unnoticed by him. He’s guiding your hips against his now, bucking up into you and you’re getting lost in the feeling of him. Looking at you, Felix just wants to thank every god that has ever existed for letting him be with you in this way. In this moment, you are the only thing that exists to him. Even if he has to leave in a few weeks to head back to Korea and his idol life, his heart belongs here with you. And you'll wait for him each time, you know you will. This felt like destiny, and you’ll be damned if a body of water comes between you and him ever again.

________

Mia and Chan take their sweet time coming back to the house, deciding to go get dinner and hoping that their idiot lovestruck best friends have finally gotten themselves figured out. They walk through the door and smile as their met with the sweetest scene ever. You and Felix are asleep on the couch, completely wrapped in each other.

Needless to say, the state of Felix’s hair and the dark markings on your neck are enough for the two of them to silently fist bump as they walk to their respective bedrooms.

________________________________________________________________

A/N: Oh my goodness. If you’ve made it to the end of this, thank you for reading! I really hope this lived up to your expectations Anon >.<

Masterlist

[calpops]

falling facade | c.h.

part four: falling failures

part one: falling flowers || part two: falling freedom || part three: falling fears

5k words

Copyright 2020 calpops. All rights reserved. This work is not allowed to be reposted on any platform in any format (translations included).

<< >>

Explanations were needed and time was not a luxury that Calum and Arden were afforded. Pressure from parents and media began to intensify at the release of the paparazzi photos. The ring was splashed across headlines again, the first public appearance of the new couple sparking more than Calum could have anticipated. His friends were asking questions as well and they were getting harder and harder to avoid. Missed calls piled up and the pressure of secrets sat heavy. Only a day had passed since the obligatory paparazzi walk and things were getting wildly out of hand. They couldn’t avoid it forever; that’s exactly what he told Michael when he paid the Clifford house a visit and asked to see Arden. He realized he didn’t even have his fake fiancée’s phone number and she was completely off the social media grid. They were due for answers and they were due for posts.

Management wanted to start the presence of the relationship in the public eye hard and fast and frequently and then start to taper off to convince of the eventual split. Michael nodded his understanding when Calum showed up in search of Arden; he disappeared to yell through the house for her and in just a moment Arden took his spot in the doorway. Calum could tell she was tired. Her soft hair was in a messy bun and strands fell down to frame her face. She wore an old and oversized T-shirt tucked into shorts where her hands found a home in the pockets and a mild expression captured her face with dark circles under her eyes. She leaned against the door frame and licked her lips, teeth catching in their venture and reminding Calum of momentary bliss on a dance floor.

“We need to figure some things out,” he started with and when she frowned and her knees knocked into each other he knew that was too open ended and nerve wracking of a statement to start with. “We need to get our story straight is all. We need to figure out who we’re telling what.”

“Oh. Right,” she mumbled and craned her neck to look behind her and into the house before looking back at Calum. “Not here. Please. Can we go somewhere else?”

“Of course.”

They went to Calum’s place where it was quiet and private and they could think out loud with each other, with only Duke to listen in on them. Calum could see Arden visibly relaxing from the nervous state she was in at the doorway. She sank into the plush couch and Duke surprisingly made his way over to her; let her scratch under his chin and settled at her side. Calum sat on her other side and let them both have a moment to think through the questions they knew needed to be answered.

“It’s so quiet here. I don’t think it’s been this quiet at Michael’s since, well—since I got there,” she said and let out a tired sigh. Calum wondered if the noise of so many inhabitants living in the house had interrupted her sleep. “This is nice. I can actually hear myself think.”

Calum wanted to tell her she could come over and stay whenever she liked, for the quiet. But with only four days of a fake relationship under their belts and years of not knowing each other after years of orbiting each other, he thought it might be too soon. He let her have a few more minutes of quiet, her tired eyes casted her gaze out the window and towards the mid morning sun. Her hand lazily pet Duke who careened into her side and was satiated by the touch. Calum could see her eyes were heavy with every blink lasting longer than the previous. Her feet slightly wiggled as they couldn’t quite reach the hardwood floor and short stuff affectionately made way into Calum’s thoughts. He tried to bite back a grin at the memory of her feisty dislike of what Calum might now consider a term of endearment. From there his mind sank into other memories; trying so hard to place Arden in more moments. But she had disappeared for years. He couldn’t conjure up an image of her in a concert crowd. Never saw her backstage. For some reason, she avoided the band. Calum then realized the band would be the best tool to utilize for their situation.  

“I think Ashton and Luke need to know,” Calum suddenly blurted out and he wasn’t sure why or where the words came from but they killed the silence and the relaxed look on Arden’s face. “At least them. They can help with the PR stuff. It’d make it easier. They can have my back in interviews when it’s brought up. If they know the game we’re playing they can help me fill in the gaps when you’re not there. And it would get them off my back.”

Arden bit her lip and absentmindedly or perhaps with a mind full to the brim; nodded. She didn’t say anything in response immediately but turned her gaze over to Calum. He knew she was scrutinizing the situation. She looked him up and down once before speaking.

“We can tell them. You’re right. They could help,” she affirmed—Michael’s help could only go so far, it would be unrealistic for the rest of the band to be out of the loop. “But can we hold off on telling our parents? At least for a while? I don’t think I’m ready to face all of that yet.”

Calum recalled her words at the diner from the previous day. Disappoint my parents. Arden believed they wouldn’t be okay with the situation, that they would think less of her for their drunken night and reckless decisions without coherent thought processes and all that rained down on them because of it. He still didn’t have the full story to that reasoning and it didn’t seem she was wanting or willing to offer it now. He wanted to know why; to have a reason and justification for white lies and half truths to his family. But her comfortability and wants needed to be factored in as well. They had created all of this together. He found with another look at her that he couldn’t deny her of the request, not when her eyes were pleading and her lower lip was trembling. Maybe not ever.

“We can tell them we’re still trying to figure us out,” Calum supplied a half truth. In all honesty he wasn’t sure what they were to each other. “We can be vague. We reconnected while you were visiting Michael. We went to Vegas for a wedding and maybe we got swept up in the romance and got engaged. But we’re still trying to figure things out. They don’t need to know about the details.”

Or about the contracts.

“Are you sure you’re okay with that? I don’t want you to feel like you have to lie for me.”

Calum didn’t tell her that it might not feel like lying. He just shrugged and cleared his throat. She took it as a confirmation and a tired smile slowly tugged at the corners of her mouth. He couldn’t help but notice her lips were glossy and faintly remember the taste of sugar on them. It had been days since the kiss. He missed the sweetness and the soft touch. He didn’t miss the feeling of falling or wind at his back; that was ever present and all consuming. It was shifting. Some moments it was an easy and exhilarating descent through soft clouds. Other times it was a free fall filled with inhibitions and anxieties. But here, in the quiet with just the two of them and walls crumbled down and secrets able to be shared, Calum was content to enjoy the feeling.

“We can call them tomorrow,” Calum decided; knowing their parents wouldn’t be able to wait much longer. He wasn’t sure what tactics Arden was employing to hold her parents off or how much they might be hounding Michael for explanations as well. “But we are due for a post today.”

Calum knew once whatever photo they took went up there would be an influx of questions. Luke and Ashton would be on him in a second, and recognizing the house they might even drive over to get their answers. He could probably stall his parents' curiosity with some texts. Calum hadn’t even spared the comments on the initial photo any thought. He almost didn’t dare to look. He could picture them in his mind and he figured they were better left online. He was grateful Arden wasn’t online anymore. Her socials had gone dark months ago and Calum found some peace of mind from that.

“How do we do it our way?” She asked, referring to the fact they wanted to keep as much of themselves to themselves. She reveled in privacy and feared losing control of her life. Calum wanted to play the publicity game in a way they could win.

He had put a lot of thought into how to go about posting. The paparazzi photos had worked in their favor. Her hidden face and back to the camera provided a sense of security and left most of the comments circulating about the ring and the way Calum looked at her. Management had no complaints about the way they conducted the pap walk. Calum came off as protective and she was portrayed as shy. They needed to keep that narrative in their hands and on the board. They couldn’t let false claims and the wrath of the PR team take over.

“The most important thing right now still seems to be the ring,” Calum mused and took a glance down at her hand still coddling Duke with pets to see it fit to her finger. He was surprised she was wearing it; his visit was unprompted and though a post was scheduled for the day he didn't mention it before leaving. “Good thing you’re wearing it.”

“I haven’t taken it off,” she admitted with a faint blush and stalling hand. Duke let out a small whimper at the loss of contact as she brought her hand up but nuzzled into her further to make up for it. “All those people at Michael’s don’t know it’s fake. I also don’t want to lose it and get us in trouble.”

Her reasoning made sense and Calum was hit with the thought that pretending for her was a lot more permanent with the lack of privacy at the Clifford compound. It followed her everywhere. The weight of the ring was a constant reminder. At least when Calum got home he could stop pretending. Though, he was then faced with the question of how much was real and how much was fake. The ring was fake. The feelings that followed him were a whole other battle that he was entirely unprepared for.

“Next time we decide to get fake engaged, let’s pick a less hideous ring,” she said as the glare of the diamond picked up the sunlight and glinted on the couch. “I don’t know why people would want to see this thing.”

Calum smirked at the lighthearted words and the gaudy ring that was too big for her small finger. “It’s not that bad.”

Arden gave him a serious look with an arched eyebrow and a tilt of her head.

“It is pretty bad,” he admitted in a grumble of defeat. “But I’d rather the attention and scrutiny be on it.” Rather than you.

Arden seemed to understand the implications of those three unsaid words. She went to fidget with the ring but stopped herself and instead pet Duke who appreciated the attention with relaxed eyes slipping closed and a small groan. Calum couldn’t believe how well the old dog took to her. He was usually standoffish around new people. Hardly liked attention from anyone other than Calum. But he was soaking up her pets and his tail was wagging at every word she said directed to him. Calum was awestruck and an idea hit him; another way to keep Arden from taking the brunt of the attention and invasion of privacy. A way to stay themselves in the face of pretending.

“What are you thinking?” Arden asked and Calum knew she could see the wheels turning in his mind and how loudly his silence spoke in that moment.

“I know what we can do,” Calum began, then shifted to grab his phone out of his pants pocket and brought himself even closer into Arden’s side. He beckoned for Duke who hesitated a moment, wanting nothing more than to stay under the affection of Arden. But he slowly sat himself up and gave Calum a cursory glance with uninterested eyes.

Calum reached over to pick him up and when he gave a little wiggle and huff Calum laughed and placed him in Arden’s arms. She didn’t hesitate to receive the disgruntled dog or coo to him to get him happy again. Calum’s heart was warm at the exchange; a smile growing with every baby voiced word she said. The sun spilled in through floor length windows and lit her in a soft glow as Calum pulled his camera up. The ring was visible in her position of holding Duke. Sensing what was happening Arden did her best to hide her face in the embrace of Duke. Calum leaned in with his arm outstretched and the camera facing them. He gave her a small kiss on the cheek, helping to obscure what could be seen of her face. He snapped a photo and then a few more when she was grinning and Duke was set down. Calum’s arm fell and his lips hovered as Arden turned to him.

Honey and peaches and sugar were just before him. Her eyes were hooded and soft, hazel gleaming in the light and Calum couldn’t help but inch closer. He vaguely heard Duke jump off the couch and pad off to his own bed but he was too caught up in the moment to give it much more than half a thought. She blinked slowly and Calum did too and without seeing or knowing he was kissing her again. Tiny alarm bells rang in his mind but they were drowned out by the sweetness invading his senses. He didn’t care that Arden was Michael’s sister. He didn’t care that the pretenses of their relationship were fake and constructed by contracts—but real with a date and a kiss preceding all of that. All he cared about was the moment and the feeling of her lips against his. And the way his hand found its way to her jaw, fingertips light and tingling as they trailed along and his fingers tangled in her hair.

The moment was bliss and longer lived than on the dance floor. But still, all too soon she was pulling away but staying still in his hold. His eyes shot open to find hers still closed, lips pouted and pink dancing across her cheeks. Her eyes opened slowly; he saw the even rise and fall of her chest. She was calm and that reinforced the feelings of bliss Calum experienced in their brief moment. Words were evasive and meaningless when their gazes held and his fingers drifted from her hair back to her jaw. They were silent and let that speak for them. He could hear the tiny breaths escaping her. Could see her eyes dart up and down as if in contemplation of what might happen next. As Calum began to think that through—debating if he should lean in again or not—she made the decision and pulled away, leaving his hand to fall as a sigh escaped her.

“Guess we got caught up in the charade,” she said as her gaze went distant and the pink on her cheeks began to fade. She bit her lip and leaned back into the plush cushions of the couch.

“Yeah,” Calum agreed though he wasn’t too sure of that on his end.

His camera still captured the screen of his phone and a tiny photo sat in the bottom corner. It reminded him of what the moment was and what needed to be done. He pulled up his social media and found the photo where Arden was mostly hidden by Duke and Calum’s kiss. He was apprehensive and indecisive when captioning it. Arden was silent behind him, relaxed, while he was hunched over with phone in one hand and chin in the other. Settling for the less is more tactic he simply put a heart and leaned back and angled the phone for Arden’s eyes.

“Is this okay to post?”

He wanted to make sure they were always on the same page when it came to the stunt. He wanted her permission. Even though it was his profile, her comfortability of being on it was more important. She nodded and Calum hit post with his heart in his throat and sweaty palms still gripping the phone. He could still feel their kiss, could still taste sugar when he licked his lips and turned to face her. She was seemingly at ease while Calum was at war with himself.

It only took a few minutes of the post being up for the calls and texts to start piling up. Calum had called his family the previous night after he and Arden decided to hold off. He evaded their questions as best he could and said he’d explain when the time was right and they were ready. It was a sinking feeling to be engulfed in; he had never been so evasive with his family before. But it was justified to keep Arden okay. He knew they were picking up on the fact he couldn’t say things, not that he didn’t want to or didn’t trust them. But Luke and Ashton were still in the dark and seeking the light. Others had questions; a few exes popped up in search of answers, but they weren’t important.

“Should we bite the bullet and tell Ash and Luke the truth in one go?” Calum asked as his phone lit up with a FaceTime call from Ashton, again.

Arden took a moment to think it over and when a grin spread across her face and mischief twinkled in her hazel eyes Calum couldn’t help but wonder what she was thinking.

“We could have fun with it first,” she said and Calum knew exactly what she meant as she sat up.

He slid back and wrapped an arm around her, let her head rest against him and started a group call with her hand and ring in the shot; it delicately rested against his chest and he was sure she could feel the beat of his heart just like she did with her face to his chest at the wedding. It was bound to skip and thump a little harder than usual. The connection came alive at a moment’s notice and Ashton lit up the screen with his mouth already running; throwing questions around rapidly—with some choice words to highlight his confusion—until the realization Arden was right there and snuggled into Calum’s side donned on him.

“What the fuck?” Ashton’s new tirade of questioning began with an expletive. “Don’t tell me you two idiots actually got married in Vegas?”

“Married?” Luke asked as he joined the call and caught Ashton’s last sentence. “You married Michael’s sister?”

“Management must be covering it up with just an engagement. Oh god, it makes so much sense,” Ashton reasoned though he was wildly wrong. Calum and Arden stayed quiet; mildly amused by the guessing game ensuing, even egging it on by nuzzling closer together. “Nothing good ever comes from Vegas. No offense, but what the hell were you guys thinking?”

“They were probably drunk,” Luke supplied and then tacked on in a mumble. “Sure glad I don’t have a sister.”

They let Ashton and Luke simmer with comments and questions for another couple of minutes. They came in and out with Calum’s subpar internet connection. Only when the speculation started getting out of hand; wild theories of a secret relationship for months or years tumbling from their lips. Calum decided to cut them off and Arden backed away; the fun quickly dwindling and crashing back into reality.

“Guys stop. We’re not married,” Calum said in a raised voice, he thought he felt Arden flinch next to him. Once Ashton and Luke’s theories died on their lips and the connection went quiet Calum cleared his throat. “We didn’t get married in Vegas. We haven’t been in a secret relationship.”

“Then what the hell is happening?” Luke asked.

“Not married but engaged then?” Ashton questioned and blew out a huff. “Who goes to Vegas and just gets engaged?”

“We’re not really engaged,” Calum stated and eyebrows shot up in surprise as a response. They both stayed quiet on the other ends and gave time for Calum to explain. “It was supposed to be a joke, we think… We were pretty drunk. Management didn’t think it was funny. Now it’s a stunt.”

The few sentences it took to wrap up the explanation was enough. They had all had their own individual and band struggles with management and PR disasters. Calum didn’t need to offer up why management didn’t find it funny or why they had taken it so seriously they made it into a stunt. Luke and Ashton were aware of how extreme things could get in the matters of the press. In the face of maintaining or creating images. A lot of things came down to the will of management. Arden’s fear of losing control wasn’t so far fetched or fantastical. But Calum had already swore to himself he’d do anything and everything in his power to keep her from spiraling at the hands of the media and management.

Arden stayed quiet as Luke and Ashton absorbed the news and asked a few follow up questions—how long, what commitments did they sign up for, was there anything they could do to help. Calum responded in the best ways he could and kept an eye on Arden all the while. She sank back into the couch, knees resting on the cushions and fingers playing with the hem of her shorts. She was barely within the shot of the camera now. Calum dominated most of the picture and explanation. He wanted to wrap it up and get back to Arden. Craved more moments made just between them. Thoughts of the diner and a simple line drawing in red crayon and secrets slipping out like they didn’t matter captured his thoughts as the call was winding down and questions were finally answered. Ashton and Luke were on board to do whatever they could to aid them in their cause to keep playing it their way.

When Calum finally hung up he looked back at Arden. She was still and the picture of tired. Although Calum wanted to take her away again; off in search of somewhere real where more stories could be shared he could tell she wasn’t up for it. He laid back against the couch and didn’t move when she rested against him again; it was almost as if they were both working on instinct and seeking comfort from the other. He soaked up the essence of honey and sweetness and breathed her in. She let out a drawn out sigh he swore must have been a yawn she was trying to hide.

“Wanna stay here a while?” He asked just barely above a whisper and felt her nod against him.

He had no complaints for that. His day was free and the mid morning was painting a lovely picture out the window before them. The couch was comfortable and her presence made him warmer than the sun heating his skin. He had a culmination of plans for them that he could sit with in the silence. For everything fake they had to do he wanted to follow it with something real. He wanted to show Arden the sides of him that no one else got to see. Wanted to show her the places that made him feel like himself. And if in that process he got to see the sides of her no one else knew or secrets she had never shared before then that was a bonus.

They sat in a comfortable silence and position. Time slipped past unbeknownst in the quiet that surrounded them. Calum had never been one for something like this. He had never been so at ease he didn’t need words or background noise or distractions. But with only the sound of her small breaths, his heart beating a little louder than usual and the occasional snore from Duke he was convinced he was finding a liking for it. Without thinking his hand wandered to her hair. Just minutes before his fingers were tangled in the strands and his lips pressed against hers. This time he calmly stroked through the soft tresses and ate up the content sigh that escaped her. She watched out the window and he watched her until her eyes slipped closed and he allowed himself to follow her into sleep.

When they woke the sun was behind the tree line, hiding between leaves and branches that were casted in a warm and golden glow. Calum was first to wake and take a moment to gather his surroundings. The couch. A usual napping spot for him. Arden. She was still rested against him, his arm still around her and fingers falling on her collarbones where their trail of brushing through her hair ended. Duke was still in his bed but peaked up with a half interested gaze as Arden shifted as she woke. She greeted Calum with slow blinks and a slow smile crossing her face.

“I haven’t slept that well since I’ve been here,” she admitted around a yawn and a stretch; leaving Calum’s side with the motion. “I should probably get back before Michael thinks we’re up to no good.”

She reached for her phone in her shorts pocket, Calum assumed she was going to call for a car and stopped her with a hand on top of hers. “I’ll bring you.”

The car ride was quiet as they both contemplated the events of the day. The plan for their parents would need to be set into motion soon. Luke and Ashton could now help in their endeavors. The new photo was exploding with buzz and speculation. The kiss on the cheek lingered and became something much more. Their real moment when the camera and their guards dropped was tailspinning through Calum’s subconscious. Calum could see how busy Michael’s house was when they arrived. Cars spilled onto the road and people passed in the front windows. He put the car in park and caught the end of an eye roll from Arden as she took in the added company.

“Give me your phone,” Calum said quickly in a force of realization. “We need each other’s numbers.”

Arden gave him a puzzled look but handed the device over unlocked. Calum quickly added his number to her contacts and sent himself a text so he could have hers too.

“Text me whenever you want to get away from the noise,” he offered as he passed her phone back.

She bit her lip and looked down at the screen; seeing his name and the small message sent to his phone. A ring in the message box made her laugh and for the first time he noticed small dimples appearing as her smile grew.

“You’re ridiculous,” she commented as she shook her head and tapped the screen. He leaned over to see what she was doing but she angled herself away until she was done; showing his updated info to include the ring in his name. “Just in case I ever forget we’re fake engaged.”

She said it with a wink and a small giggle that filled Calum’s chest with a nervous warmth and flutter as he laughed along with her. She unbuckled but didn’t make a move for the door handle. Instead she leaned over towards Calum, a now familiar brush of her lips ghosting on his cheek as she thanked him. Calum swore he’d never tire of her gratitude though he wasn’t sure he truly deserved it. He didn’t feel like he’d done anything worthy of a thank you; but he never rejected her words or the warmth of her closeness. It was all so consuming and just a bit addictive.

“I have a feeling I’ll be seeing you soon,” she said with a pointed gaze at the colossal house filled with too many people in front of them.

“I look forward to it,” he replied with every ounce of honesty in him.

Arden left Calum with a smile and a wave when the door was shut. He made sure she got inside okay, waited to drive off until the door was shut behind her and his head stopped spinning from the overwhelming scent of peaches lingering in the car. He drove home with the windows open in an attempt to get his head above water and mind away from places it shouldn’t dive into. She said it herself; they were caught up in the charade. Everything meant nothing more than the facade they had to put on. A speck of doubt pushed its way through his thoughts; her words were drawn out and unsure. He wondered if she too was trying to convince herself of that. He couldn’t bring himself to believe it was all fake. At least not on his end. Falling failures crashed around him in plumes of smoke that threatened to choke him; his descent was becoming more and more dangerous as each smile and real moment forced him down faster and faster.

<< >> 

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[marvels-writings]

Hey! Are you willing to write a Carol x R involving a best friend who was separated from other best friend for whatever reason (maybe a childhood crush and homophobic parents? idk) and then both grew up and ran into each other, reconnected/fell in love for real? possible plot twist, with R being on the Avengers, but disappearing during snap, and Carol doesn't find out its R until during or after the final battle? please make it angsty w/fluff

Lost Crushes (1)

A/N: Okay the request confused me a little, Carol knows its R the second they introduce. This is gonna be a long series tho. (m/n means mother name. f/n means father name). And for the record, I DO NOT SUPPORT HOMOPHOBIA OR DISCRIMINATION OF ANY FORM

Warnings: Homophobic scene (kinda in detail, sorry)

You tiredly made your way from your bed to the kitchen of the compound, completely exhausted from the mission and your current lack of sleep. Currently, you couldn’t stop having dreams, almost nightmares about your best friend, Carol Danvers. 

Usually girls got their first crush while watching TV and thinking ‘wow that guy/girl is hot’. You on the other hand, had gotten your first crush while watching Carol race when the two of you were 8. She got hurt, but didn’t really care to be honest. She was pretty, willing to stand up for herself, and nice. 

You groaned and chugged a glass of water, you hadn’t seen her in years, the two of you had gone separate ways, thanks to your parents…

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

“No y/n, this is not normal.” M/n yelled angrily, her fist slamming on the table causing you to flinch. 

Little 5 year old you swirled your fork in your spaghetti and meatballs. With expired sauce. 

“But we just kissed,” You replied earnestly, causing both of your parents to groan and sit down on either side of you. “It’s not that big a deal.”“IT IS A BIG DEAL!” F/n shouted, banging his fist on the table, you looked up at him in fear and shocked. He lowered his voice slightly. “You can’t just, KISS A GIRL! You’re spoiling our reputation!”

“We are NOT going to be dealing with a lesbian when we move to New York,” M/n said and got up, you were shocked as you looked up at her. “Are we sweetie?” She asked, almost threatening as she started emptied the dishwasher. 

“We’re moving to New York?” You asked, your fork dropped, your dad sighed. Not a tired sigh, an angry frustrated sigh. 

“Thanks to you.” He muttered and got up to comfort his wife. 

The next day you went to Carol’s house to find her parents wouldn’t let you in. Her brother came to the door and apologized but sent her away. But one thing you remember distinctly is hearing faint sobbing from Carol’s room. 

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

It’s a memory you definitely wanted to forget. You had moved away, well kind of got kicked out by your parents for your sexuality the second you were able to support yourself. The first thing you did, attend a LGBTQ+ pride parade, then sent them a flag by mail. 

It was fun after you moved out, you got a job in SHIELD after working in a coffee shop for sometime. You got the job through Fury when he’d come to the cafe. After watching you kick the ass of two homophobic assholes, he decided you should come to SHIELD with him. 

One thing led to another, and you, Coulson and Fury were working for SHIELD and on the case of a mysterious blonde breaking into Blockbuster. You sat it out, deciding to collect data instead of getting with everything. 

Turned out, the blonde was trying to warn everyone about some alien race invading the planet. Once Fury saw it, he tried to pursue the blonde, who’s name he said was Vers. weird name. He paged the entire team to come help him with the alien, you had to go of course. 

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

You saw Fury running away with someone and took a deep sigh, deciding to go with them and sending Coulson back. You weren’t supposed to be on the mission anyway so no one would notice you were gone, plus they needed help. 

“Carol?” You asked, dazed as you stepped back from the crates the three of you were hiding behind. 

You had seen the pictures in Maria’s home of her. You had been close friends with Maria before you had to move to NYC, but you found her number in an old phonebook and kept contact with her, visiting when you could. 

It always pissed you off how you’d found the phonebook and visited after Carol’s plane had crash landed. 

“Who?” She asked, her eyebrows furrowed under the SHIELD hat. She looked different, the NIN white t-shirt and black jeans made her look, well, like she was still the same. The same from the pictures, the same from the stories. 

“I’m Vers,” She introduced, then turned her attention back to the situation. You were stunned, after everyone got onto the plane, Fury explained everything he could to you. 

5 years ago the plane had crashed, 5 years ago Carol had left, now Carol was back. 

Maria was gonna have a heart attack. 

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

“Y/n?” Maria questioned, ducking out of her large camp behind the house. Monica ran out of the plane she was fixing and quickly ran over to hug you. 

“Auntie y/n!!” She exclaimed, running over to you and hugging you, you signalled Carol and Fury to stay in the plane until you could explain a few things to Maria. 

“What the hell are you doing in that?” Maria demanded, hands on her hips. She seemed more worried than aggressive. 

“Um, long story, but you remember Carol right?” You asked, Monica nodded against you, pulling away slightly with one arm still around you. Maria nodded grimly. “So-”

“Auntie Carol?” Monica questioned, then quickly removing herself from you and running over to Carol and hugging her. “See I told you she wasn’t dead!” Monica looked up at Carol to see no recognition. 

“I’m not who you think I am.” Carol confessed hesitantly as Monica pulled away. 

“Come, come inside, all of you.” Maria said quietly, heading inside. You followed right next to her, putting on arm on her shoulder and trying to explain the best you could. 

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

After everything was explained, the three of you sat, chatting while Fury and Monica went to get Carol’s things. 

“This is some crazy shit.” You joked, leaning back in the seat. Carol’s eyes quickly scanned over you before smiling. Maria sent a weird look her way before nodding. 

“Mind your language.” Maria reminded, nodding her head towards where Monica was excitedly running in. You raised your hands in defeat, causing them to chuckle as they bantered over what happened the day she disappeared. 

You couldn’t help but watch Carol, she was just so, so pretty. She flicked some hair out of her eyes once in a while, attracting your attention to her eyes. They were a beautiful mixture of green and hazel with gold specks in between. 

“Auntie Carol we found your things!” Monica yelled from the other room, breaking you from your trance. Maria saw how the two of you kept staring at each other and smirked, you knew that smirk but spoke before she could. 

“Let’s go, maybe you’ll remember something.” You stated, quickly. Carol looked up at you and Maria in confusion. You rolled your eyes and grabbed her wrist, pulling her over to the table. 

“This is gonna be a long day.” Maria joked as the three of you approached the table. 

Yeah, yeah it was. 

Tag list:  @capcarolsdanver, @versdan, @lesbian-girls-wayhaught, @lovebotlarson, @dhengkt, @5aftermidnight, @hstoria, @natasha-danvers, @veryfunnyal let me know if you’d like to be in any of my tag lists!

A/N: This is gonna be a really long story cause I wanted a perfect backstory. So, stay tuned, ew im never saying that again. Feedback is amazing, thanks!

Part 2

Part 3

[strange-and-stranger-still]

Act 1 Scene 1: The Tomfoolery Begins With Brunch, Beer, and Mothman

GM: The date is April 1rst 2012.

GM: Everyone is either freaking out about the end of the world in a handful of months or scolding those who do freak out over being so influenceable.

GM: The only people getting really excited about the upcoming Avengers movie are unredeemable nerds. Teenagers are debating whether Hunger Games was an accurate depiction of the books or beginning a very intense Les Mis phase.

GM: Call Me Maybe and Domino are stuck in everyone’s head, but truth be told, you keep hearing Somebody I Used to Know on the radio as you drive along lonely highways, or bob your head along the background music of your local grocery store, or lay in your bed, and remember for a fleeting moment your old friends from your middle school years, the best friends you’ve ever had. You consider finding them again, maybe sending them a message to reconnect - Youtube is not even ten years old yet and Facebook is still in full swing - and then the impulse passes and you go back to your daily life.

GM: And you all received a letter from an old friend inviting you to their play.

GM: And for brunch, because like. Breakfast food is the best food.

GM: This introduction takes place in a café. You are sitting down to have breakfast - or, as Otis called it in his message, brunch - in the restaurant you always went to as a teenager. The red, crackling vinyl chairs, your booth near the bay window with a view on the seaside and its thrumming rhythm of waves crashing, everything is exactly the same and it only helps you feel so different from who you used to be.

McKenna Prettygood, upon arriving: SUPP NERDS!! LONG TIME NO SEE!!

Francis Weissman: McKenna. 

McKenna Prettygood: Hey Frank

McKenna Prettygood: You’re here first?

Francis Weissman: It's Francis.

Rowan Durnin: Well you two haven't changed a bit.

Francis Weissman: I like to be on time, sue me.

Ada Noboa: Hey everyone!

Francis Weissman: Ada! Good to see you

Ada Noboa: This so weird, I literally thought Otis was dead and now he's inviting us to a play?

McKenna Prettygood: He was dead?

Francis Weissman: I...

McKenna Prettygood: I thought Frank was dead

Francis Weissman: Sometimes I wish, yes

Ada Noboa: I mean it’s been so long I thought all of you would be dead by now

McKenna Prettygood: Is Cal dead?

Rowan Durnin: Honestly, yeah probably

Ada Noboa: Wouldn't surprise me

Francis Weissman: I don't think the dead get mail

Francis Weissman: They don't tend to send it either

McKenna Prettygood: “Don't tend to send it either”

McKenna Prettygood: Jesus Christ Frank, this is not some dead old novel

Mrs Knott: Hi, what can I get for you-oh, Francis?

McKenna Prettygood: Who are you?

GM: For a second, it is almost as if you were about to remember something, but you are snapped back into reality when the waitress arrives for your order. You know her too - Mrs. Knott, a bit greyer around the edges, too tired for forty-three, but smiling when she recognizes you anyway.

Mrs Knott: And McKenna. Still as rude as ever then.

Francis Weissman: Hi, Mrs Knott. You look well.

McKenna Prettygood: You weren't so grey before so

McKenna Prettygood: Looking different

Francis Weissman: McKenna!

Mrs Knott: I wish I could say you weren't so rude before.

Mrs Knott: Tragically, I can't :)

Ada Noboa: Stop it, McKenna

McKenna Prettygood: Where is Cal?

Francis Weissman: I'm sorry about her

Ada Noboa: I'm so sorry about her Mrs Knott

Rowan Durnin: Good evening, Mrs Knott. Excuse our friend

Mrs Knott: Aww Ada, Rowan, nice to see you!

Mrs Knott: The usual then?

Ada Noboa: I don't think I even remember what the usual is

Rowan Durnin: No idea what our usual was, but sure

Francis Weissman: You remember our usual?

McKenna Prettygood: Beer

McKenna Prettygood: It was beer

Francis Weissman, ignoring McKenna: I'm a creature of habit. The usual, thanks

Mrs Knott, also ignoring McKenna: Of course! You know how it is in here, things never change.

Mrs Knott: Apart from McKenna's antics.

McKenna Prettygood: Other than people, people get old

Ada Noboa: McKenna, stop it!

Ada Noboa: Just ignore her, Mrs Knott

Ada Noboa: She's probably just hungry

Calypso "Cal" Triggs: No McKenna keep going, keep going!

Francis Weissman: Oh Jesus Christ

McKenna Prettygood: Hi Cal!

Ada Noboa: Cal, you're alive!

Calypso "Cal" Triggs: No I'm a ghost, idiot

Ada Noboa: And even ruder than any of us remember

McKenna Prettygood: That’s cool, wanna tell me about that, Cal?

Mrs Knott: Table for seven then?

Mrs Knott: I guess your little blonde friend will be joining you?

McKenna Prettygood: He's dead, apparently!

Francis Weissman, sighing: I wish the chemo hadn't worked

McKenna Prettygood: You had cancer?

Francis Weissman: Do you have the memory of a goldfish?

McKenna Prettygood: No

Mrs Knott: Uh... Dead. OK. I'll just... Go... To the kitchen then.

Mrs Knott: Pancakes for everyone.

Ada Noboa: Thank you Mrs Knott!!

McKenna Prettygood: Oh, thanks

Francis Weissman: Thank you!

McKenna Prettygood: Did anyone call Otis?

McKenna Prettygood: It's 2012, we can call Otis

Rowan Durnin: Does anyone have his phone number?

Francis Weissman: I don't have his number

McKenna Prettygood: Oh I have this friend...

Ada Noboa: Just google it or something

Mrs Knott: Hi! Coffee with milk for Francis, black for Ada, decaffeinated for McKenna, hot chocolate for Cal and Rowan, and I made tea for your other friend

Francis Weissman: Ah, thank you. They had coffee on the train but I never trust it

McKenna Prettygood: I'm like really sorry to be rude, but I ordered a beer

Ada Noboa: Please don't bring her a beer!

Ada Noboa: We're good with this, thanks!!

Rowan Durnin smiles politely, kind of overwhelmed by everything that's going on.

McKenna rolls dexterity to not-to-subtly switch coffee with Ada, who tries to punch her in retaliation and fails miserably, accidentally knocking over the table instead. Mrs Knott does not look happy.

McKenna Prettygood: Ada, are you drunk?

McKenna Prettygood: I ordered a beer

Ada Noboa: Sorry Mrs Knott!

Rowan rushes to help Ada out.

Ada Noboa: It’s actually McKenna's fault to be fair

Mrs Knott: Come on, you may look like it, but you're not kids anymore.

Francis rolls their eyes and takes two painkillers.

McKenna Prettygood: HOW IS THIS MY FAULT??

Mrs Knott: When is it not?

Calypso "Cal" Triggs: I think Ada's the one who should lay off the beers

McKenna Prettygood: Thanks Cal

McKenna Prettygood: How are y’all doing beer and drugs now?

Ada Noboa: "Doing beer"

McKenna Prettygood: and I can’t even get a beer

Mrs Knott: God, what are you kids even doing back home?

Mrs Knott: I thought we were rid of you all - no offense, Francis and Rowan

Francis Weissman: We'll be out of your hair again soon, this is a short visit

Francis Weissman: Is Otis coming or not?

McKenna Prettygood: Is he alive?

Rowan Durnin: Yes McKenna he is dead. My condolences

Ada Noboa: McKenna stop saying he's dead!

McKenna Prettygood: YOU SAID IT FIRST

Ada Noboa: I didn't say he was dead, I said I THOUGHT he was dead

Francis Weissman: He's not dead. I think

Calypso "Cal" Triggs: Yeah I saw him walking down the street before I got here

McKenna Prettygood: Oh! Is he a ghost?

McKenna Prettygood: Is he like very pale?

McKenna Prettygood: Deadly pale?

Calypso "Cal" Triggs: Yes

Mrs Knott: Otis? Isn't he rehearsing?

Ada Noboa: Oh, do you know where we could find him, Mrs Knott?

Mrs Knott: Of course! I think his family still owns that house down the street, but he is probably at the Theatre right now.

McKenna Prettygood: Hmmm

McKenna Prettygood: Does he sparkle?

Ada Noboa: We should probably go find him at the theater then

Mrs Knott: The Err Playhouse? Of course you have never been there yet.

McKenna Prettygood: Did you forget the name?

McKenna Prettygood: Err?

Mrs Knott: No, it's their name.

McKenna Prettygood: That's a weird name

Mrs Knott: McKenna Prettygood.

McKenna Prettygood: Yes?

Mrs Knott: Van Reichass.

Mrs Knott: No, nothing, I just wanted to call for your order :)

McKenna Prettygood: How do you know my full name?

McKenna Prettygood: I didn't tell you

Francis Weissman: She has a point!

McKenna Prettygood: Thanks Frank

Francis Weissman: Quit calling me Frank, you make me sound like a guy

Calypso "Cal" Triggs: Maybe she's psychic

Ada Noboa, who owns all the brain cells: Maybe we've just lived here for our entire childhoods

Mrs Knott: Anyway, I hear them calling for your order!

Mrs Knott: I'll be back in a minute!

McKenna rolls a perception check on Mrs Knott, somehow, not remembering that she has known that woman since she was a toddler, and starts being suspicious of her. Is she secretly Mothman?

McKenna Prettygood: Miss

McKenna Prettygood: Are you a Mothman?

Mrs Knott: What's a motorman?

McKenna Prettygood: Mothman?

Mrs Knott: I can't keep up with all these new genders now

Rowan just sighs.

Francis Weissman: Is everyone here very stoned?

Rowan Durnin: God I wish

McKenna Prettygood, to Mrs Knott: Are you,,, part moth?

Ada Noboa: I'm starting to get worried about McKenna's mental state

McKenna Prettygood: I’m the same as ever

Ada Noboa: Yeah, that's what worries me

McKenna Prettygood: I'm not the one being suspicious

Mrs Knott: I... I think you should leave now

Mrs Knott: You're disturbing the other customers

Mrs Knott: Do you want your pancakes to go?

McKenna Prettygood, slipping her a hundred dollar bill: We were never here

Mrs Knott takes the money.

McKenna Prettygood: Sorry about the trouble (wink)

Mrs Knott: Honestly, I almost missed you.

Mrs Knott: Goodbye now, please don't come back!

Mrs Knott: And go to the library once in a while!

McKenna Prettygood: Sure!

Ada Noboa: Let's go guys, we gotta check the theater. I'm so sorry about all of this, Mrs Knott

Francis Weissman: Let's go, see Otis, and then get out of here and pretend we don't know each other for another decade

[marvxlousqueen]

Joe Mazzello- Let me love you

word count: a little over 3k

warnings: fluffy smut (like really soft) and the rest is fluff :))

summary: inspired by this audio i found tehehe-- reader and joe have been friends since high school and have a high school reunion and reconnect :))

(Y/n) felt strange being back in her old bedroom. Nothing had changed, same colorful comforter on her bed, same posters scattered over the walls. Her high school reunion was tomorrow, and she was not looking forward to seeing everyone who had been mean to her in high school. The good news was she wouldn't be completely alone. Joe was tagging along with her and staying in her parents home so he didn't have to get a hotel. (Y/n) and Joe had known each other since 8th grade, having shared a homeroom and algebra class. During high school they became much closer.

In freshman year, (Y/n) was completely overwhelmed by the huge lunch room, unable to find anyone she knew to eat with. Joe had bumped into her while trying to hop behind her in line. That was the first of many lunches they shared. Turns out they had fifth period together in freshman year too so they grew close quickly.

In their sophomore year, Joe and (Y/n) went to homecoming together during first semester. Well, not together-. Joe could never see me like that, she had thought at the time. He had even said it before.

Joe had said something like along those lines during their junior year, their year with their biggest fight. She had brought up going to prom together and that's when he had started their biggest fight ever. 

"You think I can't get a date to prom? You think I need to go to prom with you? I could get a real date if I wanted, I don't need to go with a friend!" He had made such a scene in the library where they were studying, (Y/n) still remembered how embarrassed and angry she was. "I didn't say that! I just thought we could go together like we did with homecoming last year and why are you yelling at me! Girls don't like it when you yell at them, no wonder you can't get any girls to even look at you besides me!" This had shut him up. He didn't even want other girls to look at him. And he definitely didn't want to go to prom with another girl. 

He was just upset after seeing some douche flirting with (Y/n) at her locker that morning. He had made her laugh and making (Y/n) laugh was Joe's thing. I'm funny, I don't see why she needs to talk to him to get a laugh. I could make her laugh more than that asshole could, he had thought.

Joe had actually only managed to make (Y/n) cry that whole week after their screaming session in the library. It broke his heart to see her with red, puffy eyes that used to stare at him with warmth, now acting like he didn't exist. That whole week (Y/n) ignored Joe until he finally begged for her forgiveness by showing up at her house with donuts the night of prom. Neither of them went, secretly not wanting to be there without the other. 

"Joe you were such a dick! You think donuts are going to make up for that? I just- oh is that jelly filled? Fine...you're forgiven. Just get inside, I'll put on a movie." They had spent the whole night eating too many donuts and marathoning Indiana Jones, like they always did, until (Y/n)'s parents made Joe leave ("No boys in the house past 11 o'clock, (Y/n)!"). 

Why was high school so dramatic?, she thought to herself wandering over to her closet, high school memories coming back to her everywhere she looked. She opened her closet, seeing mostly old hoodies and tennis shoes. She shuffled to the back, and something red caught her eye. Her senior year prom dress. Red with some gold decoration, it was still gorgeous to her. Senior year, Joe had asked her to prom, possibly attempting to make up for not wanting to go to Junior prom with her. It hadn't been too big of a promposal- he had found her in the student parking lot one morning with a small poster and a stereotypical box of donuts, spelling out the word "prom?". She was happy he didn't do it in the cafeteria or else she might've died from embarrassment- not because she was embarrassed by Joe, there was no why she could be embarrassed by him-just because she always thought couples who did things like that were so extra. But Joe and I aren't even a couple... just friends.

She had given him a big hug after saying yes, face burning from the thought she had about the ‘couple’ thing. 

(Y/n) was broken from her memories of high school when she heard the doorbell ring. She rushed down to get it, knowing her parents wouldn't since they were out of town. Opening the door, she saw Joe holding a box of donuts, suitcase on the ground. "Hey (Y/n)!" He wrapped his free arm around her. "Joe! This feels all too familiar. Come in, come in!" 

It had been a few months since Joe had seen (Y/n), busy wrapping up press and award shows for Bohemian Rhapsody. (Y/n) on the other hand felt like she had just seen him because she was always watching his latest interviews and keeping up with everything he posted. After placing the donuts down and moving his suitcase inside, Joe engulfed (Y/n) in a bear hug, not letting go until she patted his arm. "Alrighty Joey, I can't breathe." He let go, missing her warmth already. "So, what are we going to do first? Reunion's not till tomorrow night." She responded with a big smile, "Well, since we are taking a trip back to our high school, why don't we make this like our standard high school Friday night. I'll pop some popcorn if you turn on the TV. The Indiana Jones disks should be somewhere around here."

Standard high school Friday night, great. (Y/n) always enjoyed their nights, laughing carefree, just happy to be with a friend. Joe on the other hand used to always have to focus on not turning red when his hand accidentally touched hers in the popcorn bowl or making sure to not get hard when she pressed against him during a night of cuddling on the couch. He turned on the TV, popping in the disk to the ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’, which had been laying in it's old spot under the TV mantle. (Y/n) returned a few minutes later from the kitchen, carrying popcorn and a few bottles of root beer. She took her usual spot on the couch, leaving room for Joe to sit next to her. “I missed this. I missed you, Joe.” 

Joe’s heart started beating faster and he felt heat rush to his face, no doubt turning him a bit red. “Me too, (Y/n).” She scooted closer to him, head resting on his shoulder, which caused him to instinctually move his arm to wrap around her. They stayed like that for a long time, afraid to move in case it caused the other to switch positions.

After putting on the second movie, (Y/n)‘s head moved into Joe’s lap in an attempt to get more comfortable. “This couch used to be so much bigger, guess we’ve grown a bit since high school.” All Joe could do in response was cough and nod, trying not to let the image of (Y/n) that close to his crotch cause any changes in his pants. Suddenly she sat back up, “Come on, Joey! Let’s cuddle like old times!” 

“W-what? No, we can’t cuddle, adults don’t cuddle.” (Y/n) rolled her eyes, “Shut up and lay down, Joseph. Plus you are not an adult, I see all the childish stuff you post.”

“Oh god, you’ve seen that stuff?” He asked, while shifting to lay next to her back, her facing away from him, their bodies almost touching. “Of course, I pay attention to what you do. I like seeing that stuff, keeps me sane knowing that you’re okay. Otherwise I’d have to get up and kick some Hollywood ass.” This made him laugh, “Yeah you’d be able to do so much damage.”

“Shut up!” She threw a pillow at him, probably missing since she didn’t bother to turn around. “How much did you see on Instagram?”

“Well, most recently I enjoyed the karaoke video, truly iconic, Joe.” He groaned, stealing a blanket from her, pulling it over himself. “Hey! It’s cold! Give that back!” Knowing she wouldn’t be strong enough to take back the blanket, she settled for snuggling closer to him, her ass pressing into his crotch.

She’s got to be doing that on purpose, he thought. (Y/n) moved her ass farther into his crotch, effectively rubbing up on him. Finally, she stopped moving, getting comfortable. As (Y/n) drifted off, Joe continued to try and slow his breathing so he didn’t get a boner. Joe stayed awake for the entire ‘Temple of Doom’ movie, still worried he might wake up hard if he drifted off. 

Once the movie ended, Joe turned off the TV with the remote. Seeing that it was past eleven o’clock, he slowly shook (Y/n) awake, feeling guilty for waking her when she seemed so peaceful. “Hey, (Y/n). You gotta get up and go to bed, okay? Come on.” Eventually her eyes fluttered open and she jumped a little, not expecting Joe to be so close to her. “O-oh hey. What time is it?” 

Looking back at his phone to check, he responded, “11:19. Come on, I’ll help you to your room.” He pulled the blanket off of her, climbing over her (since he was still behind her, pressed into the couch) to help her stand up. 

After a hard climb up the stairs to her room, she let herself fall onto her bed, feeling it dip as Joe sat down next to her. “I haven’t been here in so long, wow. Nothing has really changed, though.” She nodded, starting to actually wake up. “I know! It’s crazy how much time has passed...”

Joe checked his phone again, wondering if he should leave her and go to bed or if he could stay with her for a few more minutes. “It’s 11:30.. That’s kind of funny. I was never allowed to stay past 11, you remember that?” (Y/n) laughed, remembering how crazy her parents were when she was in high school, worried about her fooling around with a boy. She nodded, looking at Joe to find him staring back. 

“I always wanted to stay past 11... just to see what we would do if I did.” His face turned red, knowing that his high school self would’ve probably cum in his pants if he even thought about spending a night in the same house as (Y/n), let alone sat in the same room as her past curfew. She said nothing, too busy processing what his words meant. Joe stood up, thinking he made a mistake, “I-I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that, it just came out and it sounds so weird. I’ll just go to the guest room now-” 

“Wait, no, Joe, just.. stay. I-I always wanted you to stay...” He sat back down next to her. “Okay.”

They sat in silence for a while, every so often their eyes would meet while trying to sneak looks at the other.

 “Joe-” “(Y/n)-”

“You can-” “You go-”

After struggling to get the words out, Joe took the lead, “I liked you in high school. I really liked you, a lot. I-I, um-like.. like senior prom? You remember that, of course you remember that, anyways- I, I wanted to take you as my date, not as my friend, but-but you didn’t seem to think it was for real so I didn’t say anything and I really wish I did because maybe we could’ve started something and been together- but even before then I liked you and I just-”

“Joe!”

(Y/n) interruption finally shut up his rambling. “I liked you in high school too, so much and I’m sorry I didn’t see prom as a date, I just thought you would never want to do something like a date with me. I mean you did say that during junior year, so-”

Joe hung his head, regretting so many of his stupid high school choices, but that outburst was by far his worst decision. “I’m really sorry about that, god I was such a dick back then-”

“No you weren’t Joe.”

“Yes I was. I was just jealous.. high school was stupid.” His face was turning more red as he thought more about how he acted back in the day.

“Jealous, huh? That’s kind of flattering..  and high school was stupid.” He nodded, looking up at her, giving her a lopsided smile. 

“Joe, can.. can I tell you something?” She scooched closer to him, her knee touching his as their feet dangled off the bed. He nodded, holding eye contact with her, trying to read the emotion in her eyes. “I didn’t just like you in high school.. I still.. I still like you, Joe- and I’m sorry if that’s weird to you and I know you are so busy with your work and different projects but I really think we could do well together and-” 

It was his turn to shut her rambling down, which he did by placing a quick kiss on her lips. “W-what? What was that?”

“A kiss.. mostly to get you to stop talking, but also because I like you too. I have since sophomore year.” She leaned into him, pulling his face towards hers, this time sharing a longer kiss, still just as sweet. As the kiss continued, (Y/n) fell back onto her bed, heading hitting her pillow. Joe moved up with her, not breaking the kiss. His arms fell next to her head, holding him over her. 

Joe finally moved his lips down, kissing her neck. “Let me love you, (Y/n). Let me show you like I’ve always wanted to.” (Y/n) nodded, pulling Joe’s face to hers for one last kiss before she pulled off his shirt, hers following after. Joe had seen (Y/n) in a swimsuit before, but seeing her in a bra was far more intimate, and a sight that Joe never thought he would see. He took a moment to admire her, but (Y/n) didn’t feel insecure under his watchful eyes, knowing they were filled with nothing but love. After placing a kiss on her shoulder, he moved to unclip her bra, slowly pulling it down her arms.

(Y/n) enjoyed the gentleness of it all. Too many times had she been with a guy where it was all rush, no passion. She was loving his warm eyes roaming her body, his soft touches on her skin. 

She moved her fingers under his shorts’ waistband, toying with it as she slid it down his thighs. He took her hands in his, moving them above her head. “This is about you, sweetheart. Just let me love you.” He let go of her hands, moving to massage her breasts, before leaving love bites over both of them. He kissed down the valley between her breasts, making his way down her body slowly, leaving her writhing in anticipation. “Joe please..” (Y/n)’s voice was breathy, already almost moaning for him. Joe was loving every bit of it. He looked up into her eyes as he pulled down her leggings and panties with his teeth. He pulled them off all the way afterwards with hands, throwing them on the floor to be picked up later.

He spread her legs, eyes widening as he saw how wet she was for him. “You look- you look so beautiful like this, (Y/n). All laid out for me, dripping for me.” He placed a kiss to her clit before swiping his tongue through her folds. “Fuck, Joe.. you feel so good.” He continued his gentle attack on her pussy, finally entering her with his tongue, fucking her slowly with it. “Oh my god, Joe!” (Y/n) let out every moan she felt coming, knowing no one could hear her in the empty house. Joe felt her thighs tighten around his head, her pussy clenching. She was close and was getting louder as she moved closer to her end. “F-fuck Joe- please faster.” 

Joe obeyed her, tongue moving up to suck her clit, while his fingers started to fuck her, faster and faster until she released around his fingers. “Oh, Joe!”

He sucked her juices off of his fingers before moving back up the bed. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to hear you scream my name like that.” 

“Now it’s my turn.” She was about to move to his shorts before Joe stopped her. “No-no, tonight’s just about you.” (Y/n) felt heat rush to her face, turning her a bit more red than she already was from her orgasm just moments before. “Okay, then please just fuck me, Joe. I need you-please.”

He slipped off his shorts, his underwearing following immediately after. (Y/n) let out a involuntary gasp, causing Joe to laugh along with boosting his self confidence. Joe was definitely a blessed man in the pants. He moved one of her legs around his waist, looking back up at her before pushing in.

“Ohh fuck, (Y/n), so tight, so wet for me.” He pulled back out before thrusting back in faster, her wet pussy making obscene noises around him. “Shit, Joe!” Her moans spurred him on to go faster, pushing his body closer to hers. He moved his hands from next to her head to her hands, which were gripping the sheets with white knuckles. He intertwined their fingers, holding eye contact as he pounded into her. “Fuck (Y/n)-you feel so good.”

Joe felt himself coming to his end, his senses overwhelmed from being so close to her, feeling the love she held for him. Joe reached one hand down to rub her clit, not wanting to finish before she did. “O-Oh god Joe! I’m so-”

“Me too, come with me-” He thrusted into her harder one last time, before cumming in her. “Fuck!” At the feeling of Joe filling her up, (Y/n) was pushed over the edge. With a final scream of his name, she finished, her cum leaking down his cock. 

Joe pulled out slowly, knowing how sensitive she would be, before jumping up to get a towel to clean her up. He returned with a wet towel, face blushing once he realized he was still naked. After cleaning up, he took his spot next to her, his face in her neck, placing soft kisses. Before drifting off for the second time that night, (Y/n) reached out to grab his hand and placed one last kiss to his lips for the night. 

[lookwhatilost]

i finished my second watch of bojack s6 p1 and here’s a predictably massive post of some thoughts/observations abt it

spoilers under the cut obviously

the “fuck” of the season definitely came in a moment that i didn’t expect, but i rly liked how it was used. like, it was a callback to when gina dropped it in the last season –– something that traumatized her vs a reaction to her PTSD symptoms. a lot of people seem unhappy w it but i think it’s more powerful than people are giving it credit for being

the gatsby reference in e3 rly brought to mind that there are, like, a lot of gatsby tie-ins w this show and i never rly pasted them together mentally bc of the ubiquity of the “rich guy is utterly depressed and alone” trope. like, the imagery related to the pool, the shallow parties, the yellow car, the spacious but empty house, the billboards staring him down as he drives when he’s hallucinating in s5. charlotte/daisy being a weak parallel in that he had feelings for her when they were younger, held onto them for years, only for her to be married when they reconnect, but it’s worth mentioning that the glow stick balloons were green.

someone on reddit pointed out that jameson’s baby in e1 had physical traits associated w fetal alcohol syndrome. like, short, upturned nose, eyes that are far apart, and low ears. it’s hard to say if it’s intentional, but he’s drawn w a lot more detail than a lot of the other babies i’ve seen in the show. if it’s purposeful, like, that’s amazing attention to detail

i liked how the season opened on a planetarium flashback, because honestly, the immediate aftermath of sarah lynn’s death is definitely kind of glossed over in s3 when it initially happens. and though i suppose the added information isn’t terribly surprising (like him lying abt the events that lead up to her overdose and minimizing his own role in it as much as possible), it did make me wonder why i hadn’t thought abt it before

bojack rly does show signs of serious growth in the 6th season and it’s cool to finally see him move forward w/o simultaneously backsliding in other ways. a lot of his good actions in previous seasons were only rly things that benefitted him. and there are a lot of examples of it, but i think the one that stuck out to me the most was w his therapist. when he fell off the wagon, it’d have been rly easy for bojack to look the other direction and walk away like we’ve seen him do before. realistically, he has no real incentive to care for doctor champ’s wellbeing if he’s no longer staying at pastiches, but he checks him into rehab anyway, and when doctor champ throws his insecurities in his face to be hurtful, he immediately identifies it for the petty jab it is instead of letting it fuel his negative thoughts and using it as an excuse to dive into self-destructive behavior. honestly e6 was the emotional high water mark of part 1, even though it wasn’t the kind of gut punch that the dramatic, narrative focused episodes of bojack tend to be

i’m glad that the writers finally /did/ something w todd that made him feel like an actual character instead of jst a device for the comedy part of the show. i used to watch this show w a friend and we always used to say that todd had very little depth given the amount of screen time he occupies and seeing them move away from that was refreshing. his struggle w jorge is very relatable as someone whose parents have always pushed me towards things i didn’t sincerely want based on their expectations and desires for me vs my actual opinions of what success and happiness would look like for myself. but, on the other side of the coin, there’s finally a little bit of confrontation of the fact that todd’s erratic behavior and shenanigans are very taxing things for people who care abt him to deal w. and todd is rly the only character who’s somehow defied the show’s formula in that he never faces accountability for the things he does. like, he’s enabled PB’s impulsivity many times and drove him to bankruptcy, care of PB Livin’, and it’s a detail in the show that’s never truly been acknowledged or talked abt at all. he fucked PC over when he wouldn’t follow through w his sham marriage to courtney, and it was met w a cheesy speech from her abt how he needs to follow his heart and do what he thinks is right. it always struck me as a weird oversight, and to finally see someone take him to task for how taxing his behavior can be was refreshing. his only other “depth” was the asexual stuff and honestly? that is stupid and does not actually count for anything

if it didnt warm your heart when PC named her daughter ruthie then you dnt have one. i wasn’t as invested in her narrative as i’d have liked to be, but its good when PC is happy and that’s what everyone wants

IM SO GLAD JUDAH IS BACK. also i still hope he and PC end up together (and maybe she has a viable pregnancy this time w him a la sex and the city charlotte but that’s a little too cornball sappy for this show). generally rly enjoyed how characters from previous seasons were incorporated this time around. but i dnt want them to bring back vincent adultman jst to spite everyone who’s always saying “bring back vincent adultman”

pickles is still my least favorite character even tho the surprise wedding episode was probably the one i found the funniest. realistically i wanna see things work out for PB but his relationship w her is obviously not the move for him, and she’s also the worst

i like diane and guy together, they have rly good chemistry but i also have a bad feeling abt where things are headed w them. he seems ambivalent abt how principled she is and the scene where his son comes to the party and he makes her leave when he could have jst introduced her as a party guest if it even needed to happen at all... there was jst something off abt it. like you can definitely see the cracks in the foundation already and it’s disappointing

the scene btwn PB and bojack where bojack says to him “but i understand that feeling of needing to bottle up your guilt, not burden other people w it. you think you’re protecting them from your toxicity, you convince yourself that you’re being selfless, but it comes out in other ways and it infects everything” hit close to home bc it reminded me of someone i used to bond over this show w and like... whew

i rly love how the dominoes are being set up w the reporters (even tho their his girl friday shtick got old fast) bc the way things are culminating, the story getting out is liable to expose bojack for everything. if they approach penny and she talks to them abt what happened, she’s liable to tell them that bojack and sarah lynn went to ohio to find her in the time before sarah lynn overdosed, and the pictures that her classmates took of them could establish a time frame. he was in new mexico when he was supposed to be filming secretariat, and that knowledge could lead to them finding out that he’d been digitally replaced in the movie. when this information gets out, it’s very likely that gina will dogpile onto it w the truth abt what happened on the set of philbert, since trying to conceal her ptsd is actively hurting her acting career bc of the reputation she’s developing as a problem actress, and even though she dznt *want* to be “that girl that got choked by bojack horseman”, she won’t have a choice if she can’t get jobs otherwise. i guess there’s always a chance that penny and charlotte won’t talk to them, but now that hollyhock knows about what happened in new mexico, either way his personal life will be hurt by this. i’m not sure what’ll happen to him professionally, since there’s a recurring point the series has been making w famous people never being held fully culpable for their negative actions, and it’s a dicey thing for them to approach w a character that many viewers find sympathetic without ending on some myopic note abt cancel culture (whether intentionally or by popular interpretation) but im excited

i also hate how my obsessive watching and rewatching of this show meant that the intended pete repeat reveal (like, you’re not supposed to recognize him until his identity becomes obvious through the prom night story) was sort of compromised for me bc i recognized his voice and the second he introduced himself, i placed him IMMEDIATELY but it was still such a great scene. it’s the most tense i remember feeling when watching and an all around great cliffhanger

the final line of e7 comes off as some rly grim foreshadowing–– “it looks like you found solace in our show. stay if you’d like. in 30 minutes, we start over”. but it’s such an incredible line in context. my god, i fucking love this show, you guys

[anitabyars]

Title: A Perfect Lie

Author: Lisa Renee Jones

Release Date: May 14, 2019

ABOUT A PERFECT LIE

Secrets. Lies. A man. There's always a man. And there's always a truth to be told.

I'm Hailey Anne Monroe. I’m twenty-eight years old. An artist, who found her muse on the canvas because I wasn’t allowed to have friends or even keep a journal. And yes, if you haven’t guessed by now, I’m that Hailey Anne Monroe, daughter to Thomas Frank Monroe, the man who was a half-percentage point from becoming President of the United States. If you were able to ask him, he’d probably tell you that I was the half point. But you can’t ask him, and he can’t tell you. He’s dead. They’re all dead and now I can speak.

BUY A PERFECT LIE

Amazon US → https://amzn.to/2PUIGLj

Amazon UK → https://amzn.to/2PUBNtq

Amazon CA → https://amzn.to/2PRbsMI

Audible → https://adbl.co/2TJMTb1

iBooks → https://apple.co/2p09PB4

Nook → http://bit.ly/2MrIqB5

Kobo → http://bit.ly/2NCgK18

EXCERPT

“Can I join you?” he asks, motioning to the table.

There’s interest in his eyes, the kind a man has for a woman, but who knows, maybe it’s real or maybe it’s not real. Maybe he knows who I am and sees a path to power and fame. The way Tobey wanted me for money and power, right up until the moment I’d called his number aka his agenda; thus, he has not called me since I left. Maybe Harvard will lie even better than Tobey did. Maybe Harvard will at least kiss better than he did, and the lies would taste like temptation rather than convenience. At least then, if I’m used, I’ll enjoy being used.

Whatever the case, it’s clear I might actually be angry with Tobey and that aside, the interest that Harvard has shown in me, must be controlled before my Denver sanctuary is destroyed. “You can join me,” I say, “but only because I’m trying to save the rest of the place from the attorney in the house.”

I am pleased when Harvard laughs, where Tobey would have scowled, proving that Harvard has a sense of humor, which is rare for those in my life. I’ve barely completed this thought when he moves forward and claims the seat next to me, not across from me, settling his briefcase on that chair instead. In the process, his leg brushes my leg and for the briefest of moments, I’m transported back to the place that I’m now trying to forget: to Austin, to Drew’s leg next to mine, his wink, and I do now what I did then. I jerk back. If Harvard notices he doesn’t react. “Since we haven’t been formally introduced,” he says, resting his naked hands on the table. “I’m Logan. Logan Casey.”

“Logan Casey,” I repeat trying to ground myself in the present, at least for now, but some part of me is still swimming in that memory, which naturally has me wondering if this man is a shark in the water around me. “Two first names,” I add. “Sounds like your parents fought over who got to pick your first name. Did they draw straws for which choice became your middle name?”

“You’re actually right on target,” he says, laughing again, and it’s a nice, masculine laugh, and oddly this thought feels familiar while Logan does not. “No one has ever guessed that,” he adds. “My mother won the name war. The women always win. Speaking of names. Do you have one?”

“Hailey Anne Pitt,” I say, “and in my house, my father won the name war.” Because in my father’s world, I add silently, the women don’t win the wars. At least, not that he knows, not in an obvious way. I’ve learned this well.

“Well then, Hailey Anne Pitt,” he says, “what’s a Stanford girl like you, doing in a place like this? You’re a long way from school.”

I’m smacked in the face with a lesson I’ve long ago learned and forgotten with this man; strangers do not always remain strangers and all offhanded remarks can come back to haunt you. “That was a joke,” I say, shutting the door connected to my real life, and a path that leads to my father. “I hate attorneys, remember?”

He narrows his eyes on me, and for no reason other than instinct, I believe he’s looking for a lie that he won’t find. I’m simply too well-taught from birth, too skilled at being more than one person to allow such a detection. Well that, and the fact that I really do hate attorneys, which is why I’ll be a good one.

“That was a joke?” he confirms.

“Yes,” I say. “Are you amused?”

“Yes, actually. I am. What does a lawyer-hating smart ass like yourself do for a living?”

“When not busy taunting those who went to law school,” I say. “I’m an aspiring artist.” Both honest answers, if you put a “was” in front of the “aspiring artist” which I’d thought that I’d come to terms with, but the knot in my stomach says I have not.

Logan motions toward the art room. “Your career explains why you ended up here.”

“I guess it does,” I say, as this place serves me well to reconnecting to the Pitt part of my life, which is a place I really need to be right now, for all kinds of reasons.

“Are you good?” Logan asks, as if he’s read my mind.

My father’s words answer him in my head. Art is useless unless you’re famous, he used to say often, because of course, it was inconceivable that I might be good enough to be famous. “Art is like movies and food,” I say, shoving aside that bad memory. “Good is subjective.” I don’t give him time to reply. I ping the conversation back toward him. “What kind of law do you practice?”

“Corporate,” he says, and this time he pings back to me. “Do you live in the neighborhood?”

“Yes,” I say simply. “Do you?”

“I bought a building a few years ago where I live and work which means this is my home turf, and why I know you’re new here.”

“I am,” I say and since he’s clearly going to ask for details, I quickly preempt with an on-the-fly story. Actually, it’s the suggested story, Rudolf included in my file. “I came here for a job, and my new boss owns a house he’s rented to me for dirt cheap.”

“And what does an artist do but create art for a living?”

“I’m working for a private art acquisitions firm. I now hunt for treasures for a living.” This lie is actually my dream job that I’ve never been allowed to entertain.

The horror flick loving waitress delivers my coffee and brownie. “Thank you,” I say, because every politician’s daughter has manners beaten into her.

“No problem,” she says, “but if you come to your senses and want a better version of that coffee, just shout.” She eyes Logan. “I already know you want a crappy tasting coffee, on endless pour and a chocolate chip cookie. Coming right up.”

“Thanks, Megan,” he says, giving her a wink that I don’t classify as flirtatious, just friendly, and Megan is gone.

“Obviously you’re a regular,” I comment, “and they even like you.”

“And they like me,” he confirms, “despite knowing I’m an attorney.

“Because you’re good looking and use it to your advantage.”

He arches a brow. “You think I’m good looking, do you?”

“Oh, come on,” I say, crinkling my nose. “Everyone thinks you’re good looking. I’m simply stating a fact. We use what we have and those of us that are smart, know what we have.” I move on from what is really quite inconsequential. “Why work here, not at home, or in the office?”

“I find I get a lot of work done with a cookie, coffee, and no access to streaming television,” he explains.

No one in my D.C. crowd would make an admission of being human and distractible. Some people in my situation might take comfort in that fact, but I don’t. Logan’s an attorney, and my gut, which I’ll confirm with research, says he’s a powerful one, the kind that radiates toward my father. Maybe that’s a coincidence and maybe it’s not. Maybe he’s testing how well I execute my cover story. The possibilities are many. Though in all fairness to Logan, perhaps I’d lean toward his innocence, if not for the laundry list of recent events such as Tobey being gay and the FBI agent, who is likely working for my father, that I slept with to prove I was a) still desirable and b) not a killer.

ABOUT LISA

New York Times and USA Today bestselling author Lisa Renee Jones is the author of the highly acclaimed INSIDE OUT series.

In addition to the success of Lisa's INSIDE OUT series, she has published many successful titles. The TALL, DARK AND DEADLY series and THE SECRET LIFE OF AMY BENSEN series, both spent several months on a combination of the New York Times and USA Today bestselling lists. Lisa is also the author of the bestselling WHITE LIES and LILAH LOVE series.

Prior to publishing Lisa owned multi-state staffing agency that was recognized many times by The Austin Business Journal and also praised by the Dallas Women's Magazine. In 1998 Lisa was listed as the #7 growing women owned business in Entrepreneur Magazine.

CONNECT WITH LISA

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My Review!

5 ⭐️

Riveting!!!

Wow! This is a riveting, suspenseful, mystery that is about greed, destiny, betrayal, secrets, lies, power, money and ambition. It’s about what some powerful people may do to get ahead. But is also the story of a young woman Hailey Anne Monroe whose father has political aspirations to become the President. A father who appears to be disdainful of rules, of laws and of ethics. Raised from infancy to be the perfect daughter, Hailey tells us her story, as she searches for answers, and finds out what she is truly made of. Written in past and present tense it takes you on her journey of what she says is the truth. But is it? Or could it be the perfect lie?

This story took me on a wild ride, making me question every single character and situation the whole way through. There were little hints along the way that built this story, so many little things that started to tick off this list of what was real and who was behind all of this. I spent most of the chapters mentally keeping track of all the big and small clues. My mind constantly racing trying to figure out where this was all leading next. Because we have learned that in politics and life that lies can and are avoided by the many versions of the truth.

Lisa Renee Jones did a phenomenal job crafting this story, and I was held captive until the end. I loved its fast pace and unexpected turns. So clear your schedule. Bring a snack. This will keep you reading late into the night. I couldn’t put it down. I highly recommend this story.

I voluntarily read and reviewed an advanced reader copy of this book. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

[gasters-story]

Chapter 15

Word Count: 2,820

Asgore emerged from the bushes, completely shocked as he spotted the souls no matter how much Gaster tried to hide them. “G-Gaster- did you…?”

Gaster didn’t know how to respond. The evidence and crime was all laid out in front of him, he didn’t need to ask the murderer to know.

“W-why…?” That was Asgore’s last question before Gaster found a way to answer.

“It… it was an accident…” He looks down, watching the souls float around. They moved around in a small area, mainly Gaster’s cupped hands, and didn’t staying in one place for a long time.

Asgore blinked in surprise. “An accident-? Gaster how is this an accident?! Obviously some people died because it’s not like souls are lent and you’re covered in blood and- and-” He was having a crisis and didn’t understand it seemed.

“I know that!” Gaster yelled and ended up growling. Asgore flinched and quickly shutted up, blinking in surprise. “I panicked not realizing what was really happening until it was over. Call me a murderer all you want I don’t care at this point.”

Asgore listened and then sighed, walking over and sitting next to his skeleton friend. “Everyone has different reactions to panic…” Gaster nods slowly. “How old were they anyways…?”

“Kids. One maybe two or three, maybe between. The oldest around… four… five…?” Gaster new Asgore would be shocked.

“That… surely is young… I doubt you would do that on purpose… if only we could bring them back…” Asgore sighed heavily, staring into the water. Gaster blinked, but then sighed, guessing his idea didn’t work well enough to fix everything but at least it’s something…

“There probably is one way…” Asgore looked at Gaster when he said that and blinked. “We could revive them…”

“How…? That… can’t be possible…! They died so their body and souls-” Asgore was baffled and cut off.

“Disconnected,” Gaster said for him. “but there is a way to reconnect them but they won’t take their original forms of human. Instead it’ll be a mix of human and monster… a skeleton…” Gaster kept his gaze down, staring into the water at himself. After a few moments Asgore let out a gasp of realization.

“Wait- so that means-” He blinks at Gaster when he says it. Gaster knew he was catching on, but at this point had little care. Not like it mattered now.

Gaster let out a quick sigh. “Yes… I’m the experiment everyone was looking for that ran away. A human revived but ended up half monster and takes the form of a human’s animated skeleton. Surprised it took everyone so long.” He holds the souls in his hands a bit closer to himself. “A skeleton will probably be last way they can live at least some life…”

Asgore thought for a moment. “I’d rather them live if we can… And at least you won’t be the only skeleton anymore…? Hey maybe you can even raise-” He was cut off once Gaster knew where he was going with all this.

“No! I’m not raising them!” He spits out the words at Asgore, angrily looking at him. “I can’t raise kids and don’t know how they work. You really want me raising them?! You can raise them yourself if you want but not me.”

Asgore flinches. “Alright. I’m sorry for suggesting…” He says and looks down. Gaster looks down as well and sighs.

“Sorry for yelling… I just know I can’t do that and would probably make it worse so I guess it pushed me to get mad… I just… lost the ability to socialize and not get mad from insecurities.” He pauses for a moment. “Take those as excuses if you want…”

Asgore shakes his head and puts a hand on his friend’s shoulder, making Gaster look up. “No, don’t worry. You were shy and then never saw anyone for a year only to be shoved back with people, and it’s obvious you regret so much that you probably hate yourself at least some bit. The hate is probably leaking out into what you say so I can understand a bit, but you don’t need to hate yourself if I’m right. You’re at least trying to fix what you can.”

Gaster blinked, taken aback. He slowly nods his head after a while. “I g-guess so…” He looks back down. He’s smart and observant. Shit. He silently hissed at himself, but he had to agree with Asgore at least a bit. Although Gaster would rather not keep any attachments with people, Asgore at least is helpful and nice to keep around.

Asgore gives a kind smile, before getting up. “Alright Gaster. You’re the one that knows this stuff. I’ll play your assistant and try to help the best I can.”

Gaster blinks but then gets up, not expecting him to be so eager. “Alright.” He thinks for a moment, before managing to put the souls in his ribcage to hide and hold onto. He notices Asgore blinking in surprise as he does so. “What…?” He shows Asgore his ribcage with three souls inside, the brothers and his own, before covering his ribs again. “It’ll make it easier. I can’t absorb the soul anyways. I’m a monster and human technically so I deflect both.”

Asgore blinks again and then nods quickly. “Right! That can be useful then!” He gives a kind and happy smile. “So where is their home? Or where you found them at least?”

Gaster starts walking before speaking up. “This way.” Asgore follows after, looking around and seeming freaked out as he does so. Gaster just sighed and kept leading the way. Asgore had every right to be on edge anyways. A war was happening.

They managed to get back to the house, Gaster going to the corner to see if he can hear what’s happening. He saw a gathering in the middle of the village. He sneaked behind the bushes to get more closer, trying to listen in.

Asgore came up behind and made Gaster jump. “S-sorry.” Asgore mumbles out quietly. Gaster just gives a smile of ‘it’s fine’, to Asgore’s surprise, before looking back at the gathering of people.

It wasn’t hard to listen in. Most of the people just watched and two of them yelled, making most of their words clear to Gaster.

“It’s just two kids Rocksan! Get over it I’m not resetting for two brats!” Chatch. Gaster’s face went serious as he realized who it was. He assumed this Rocksan person was the children’s mother.

“That’s just wrong! They were two kids who still have lives! You won’t reset for two people that have potential but you’ll reset for soldiers that’ll probably die again later?!” Rocksan spat back, her voice obviously angry.

Her words made Gaster also realize after those deaths resets never happened like the soldiers throughout the years. Gaster had to survive through the tedious days again when it did, which was almost constant to have to do. The first year of the war he spent in the lab he ended up having to rewrite things.

Chatch obviously didn’t care for the kids, which only made Gaster more angry at him, maybe just as much as Rocksan seemed. “I am doing what will help us win the war. That is what matters at the moment. Keeping soldiers alive and keeping our death toll down is what we need to drive those monsters back and win!” Chatch spits back like venom in the form of words and sound. “We’ve already gone and reset plenty of times already anyways!”

Gaster planned on listening more until Asgore put a hand on his shoulder and made Gaster look at him. “We should go before they finish their argument.” He whispers quietly. Gaster nods and starts to sneak back.

Gaster looked at the window he went through last time, the only way in. He looked at back Asgore. “The back door is most likely locked. I’ll go through the window and unlock it to let you in.” Asgore nodded slowly.

Gaster started to climb into the window, watching his footing this time. He makes his way past the broken glass and unlocks the back door for Asgore. Once Asgore notices and starts to come in, Gaster looks behind him to see the damage he had done.

Looking on the scene properly, he looked so cruel and brutal. It made Gaster disgusted with his own self. He guessed Asgore was too by the look on his face when he saw, but Asgore just gave a nervous smile to Gaster anyways.

Gaster sighed and made the bones disappear. He examined the bodies, finding himself lucky. He turned to Asgore and began trying to explain the situation to him. “The attacks missed the bones mostly, besides maybe on the older one… a few cracks probably to the ribs.”

“Will he still be able to reconnect like you said…?” Asgore asks while staring at the body of the older kid. He picks it up carefully and holds it as best he can.

“I don’t know, but at least nothing is broken. That would probably be a definite no depending.” Gaster explains, going to pick up the youngest one in the meantime but he stopped when he heard the door start to open. He quickly looks at Asgore and then the door, freezing in place.

The door opened rather quickly, which didn’t help. It slammed against the wall, as if the one opening it was enraged, before Rocksan walked through it. She was looking down too much to notice the two monsters.

After closing the door she did look up, staring at them both. She noticed Asgore holding the oldest child, before looking back at Gaster who was just about to pick up the smaller brother.

Her look became angry, drawing the blade she was supposed to use when she was ready to fight in the war. “You!” She yelled at them. “You’re the murders, aren’t you?!”

Asgore backed up after putting down the child he had in his arms. Gaster moved away from the youngest a bit. Asgore spoke up and raised hands of surrender. “M-ma’am! You got the wrong idea! He didn’t mean to! It was a big mistake!”

“But it still happened.” She seethed through her teeth. She was clearly not going to let her sons’ deaths go. “All because of you!” She points her sword towards Gaster.

Gaster started whispering to Asgore. “How fast can you move…?” He keeps his gaze on Rocksan for any sign of her going to attack them, jumping internally as she lowers her sword slowly.

“But Gaster we still have to-!” Asgore was just cut off by the skeleton. Gaster had whipped his head around to look at Asgore too.

“And if you can move fast enough we can!” He turns his voice to a whisper. “If you pick up the oldest I’ll get the youngest, just grab onto me when you do and I’ll teleport us out of here…”

Asgore gulped quickly and nodded, panic obvious in his eyes. Just now realizing Gaster had accidentally turned his gaze away, he was taken by surprise as Rocksan launched herself at Asgore, almost as if seeming if she had noticed the fear and panic Asgore had.

Gaster jumped back from his surprise, only noticing midway through Rocksan’s attack what was happening. He reactively sends up bones block Rocksan from getting to Asgore, making her stumble and stop surprised.

She turns towards Gaster, glaring a bit. Asgore already had his hands already in surrender, looking at Gaster with worry. Gaster was also a bit worried, as much as he doesn’t want to admit it really.

Once Rocksan was starting to charge at Gaster, who wasn’t too far away, he dropped the bones protecting Asgore and summoned one in both his hands and used them to block her sword. Luckily, her style was too flimsy to really do much and she was barely able to hold a stance before Gaster pushed her back and made her fall to the ground.

Asgore stayed still in panic, being one of those that freeze in terrifying situations like this. Gaster meanwhile kept his gaze on Rocksan as she stood back up.

“I’m not afraid to hurt you if you dare attack us again.” Gaster says sternly, making her start to glare at him again.

“Is that what you thought when you killed my sons?!” She spat the retort back at him. Gaster just growls and mutters something under his breath.

Asgore began to finally speak up, even if his voice was shaky. “G-Gaster! We sh-should just l-leave now. You can t-teleport us out of here, can’t you?” Gaster looked at Asgore as he said this. He was obviously going to protest, but Asgore just cut him off the moment Gaster tried. “It’s not going to be worth it Gaster! L-lets just leave.”

With focus off Rocksan, she went to attack Asgore. “You’re not leaving after all this! This is all your fault and you will have to pay for hurting innocent children like Sans and Papyrus!” She barks at him during her attack.

Once Gaster had realized he closed his eyes quickly and flung his arm up to do some magic attack at her, only to open his eyes to a horrified Asgore. Gaster had did what he said he would. He hurt Rocksan, but with fear and did more than what he would want personally.

Her blade clang to the ground and her entire body went limp and lifeless. Gaster made the bones disappear only for her body to drop to the floor.

He did it again. He killed someone. For a moment, reality seemed to just slip from under him. His head ached a bit as he heard some laugh, and what sounded like his own angry voice.

”Don’t do this! This isn’t worth it for something so stupid!”

A yell of pain sounded off in his head as he put a hand to it, hearing as the laugh continue. It sounded so familiar.

“Gaster! Gaster!” Asgore called out to him and brought him back from his head. Asgore was shaking him each time he called, and when Gaster blinked he stopped, only to sigh in relief. “You okay…? You looked panicked and scared…”

“Y-yeah…” Gaster managed to breath out a look around. He didn’t know what that was. Whether it was him giving into his own fears or what. He pulled away from Asgore, shaking a bit, and walked over to the mother’s body.

“W-what happened…? Was it the fact you killed her that made you seem like you were having a panic attack of some sort…?” He asked, sounding a bit worried for his friend’s condition.

Gaster turns to look at Asgore. “D-did I really look like that…?” He blinked, completely and obviously unsure of his physical condition during that small period.

Asgore nods. “You were breathing heavily, that’s for sure. You looked plain terrified too.” Gaster looks back at Rocksan and quietly sighs after hearing.

“I see…” He examines Rocksan’s injuries, that he caused, and then began to give an explanation of what’s probably best to do. “I luckily missed some important bones and all. We’ll be able to do the same to the kids to her then.” Asgore slowly nodded.

He pulls Rocksan’s soul out of her body, for now at least, and did notice it was bravery like her son. At least a easy way to identify besides color, is the fact the mother’s is bigger in size.

“Asgore, take the children’s bodies and I’ll get the mother’s.” He orders and looks at Asgore again. Asgore nods quickly and does as told, holding one in each arm. Gaster picks up Rocksan’s body, putting an arm under her back and another under her knee to carry her, and quickly walks out of the house through the back door.

Asgore follows behind quickly, only to hear shouts start coming from the village. He turns back and sees humans raging, coming their way as they seemed to have noticed them. Asgore taps Gaster on the shoulder, only for him to turn around as well and almost instantly notice.

“Damn it…-” Gaster muttered and look around. “This woman was pretty loud so I’m not surprised… I’ve got an idea. Grab onto me and I’ll get us out of here.”

Asgore looks between the villagers and Gaster, then nods and grabs the back of his robe. The moment he did Gaster teleported to some other part of the forest, but he instantly realized his vision getting hazy. A little too much magic use maybe… He dropped to his knees, only to fall face first and pass out from exhaustion.

Asgore jolted as he realized, dropping to his knees to see if Gaster was still awake. He sighed and put the kids down, picking up his friend to put him somewhere at least comfortable…

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[Index]

[loljulie]

stay with me; {002} giving in

(so here’s chapter 2... idk if this will be a daily update thing (probs wont, i’m too  busy) but maybe i’ll designate days for it in the future. anyway, if you missed chapter one, click here to be directed to it. hope you enjoy this addition! also, i am posting this around 1:40 am which is exactly when i posted the first chapter? what’s wrong w me?)

genre: dunkirk

collins x reader

word count: 1887

The rules of time travel are simple. Be exact with your timing. Don’t linger for a second longer than you need to. And do not mingle with anybody from the past unless absolutely necessary. These rules were ingrained in your mind from when you first started at your agency, and you’d never thought you’d break any of them.

And yet, here you were, sneaking out of your office on a lunch break nearly a week after your first meeting with Collins. It was required for you to wear your module on at all times on a workday – in case any last-minute trips were vital – but once you left work for the day they’d have to be left in an office and locked for the night. Luckily, you also were friends with someone who worked in the tech department and new how to delete previous trips from the module, in case a random inspection was to occur from the higher-ups.

You exited the building with a hurried pace, keeping your eyes on the ground in front of you as you walked. Soon enough, you pushed open the glass doors and hurried around to the backside of the building – a blind spot for the cameras that monitored the outside – and lifted your module up. You entered the digits into your arm, and after casting a glance around to ensure your privacy, pressed the circular green button.

South of Glasgow, September 26th, 1945.

You listened to the 5 beeps as they counted down to your departure. All the while, your stomach churned for several reasons – breaking government rules, meddling with the past, and seeing the breathtakingly beautiful Scottish man again were just the three main ones. Your heartbeat pounded in your chest as you closed your eyes and in a flash, were taken through time and space.

Once you landed on the soft, spongy grass that you remembered from your first visit, you opened your eyes. It’s odd, how you missed the gorgeous landscape before you. It’d been a week since you last saw it, though in actuality only a day has passed since your feet had walked its fields. You breathed in the September air and took a step forward toward the pub.

He was waiting outside for you, eyes glancing up and down the street until they locked onto your approaching figure. Instantly, you noticed his lips crack into a smile as he took quick steps to close the distance between you two.

“I wis comin’ to think ye wouldn't show up,” The redhead teased with a dimpled smile. You responded with a light scoff.

“Please, I was on time. It seems someone showed up a little too early,” you nudged his arm lightly before wrapping your arm around his outstretched one. A deep blush radiated from his cheeks as he walked you to the pub.

“Well, kin ye blame me for bein' eager?” He replied in a low whisper, which made your cheeks redden in return. He held open the door to the pub for you, and as you walked in, you felt a warmth begin in your chest.

Something about the small pub, where neighbors meet and old friends reconnect in this small town, made you wish you were from a time so lively as this. Going on nightly trips to the homey pub like this with a doting man on your arm was a routine you’d never get to experience, but at least for now, you can toy around with the idea of it.

You both sat down at the table from the previous night – finding it still unoccupied, as if the universe was constantly keeping that table clear for the two of you. Soon, two pints of beer made it to your table, and the night began.

“So, Mr. Collins,” you started after your first sip of the liquid. “Why did you happen to choose this pub for our first and second meeting?”

“Meetin? Soonds lik' we're business partners, na? I'd rather ca' them dates,” he stated, and for a moment you thought the beer was already giving him courage after a few sips before you noticed his cheeks flushing a bright red.

“Fine, why did you choose this pub for our dates, then?” you corrected as you flashed a smile his way. You noticed just how tense he was in that brass suggestion made him, as he visibly loosened his muscles and placed his arms on the table in a relaxed, comfortable position.

“I guess it’s because it’s charmin,” he answered finally, his eyes wandering around the interior of the pub. It was brightly lit, though not in the fluorescent, unnatural way you were used to in your time. Yellow light decorated the walls of red banners and shined over the bottles across the bar. Charming was definitely a word you would have used to describe it. “'n' it’s where I love to go, wi' the atmosphere. I ne'er feel lonely in 'ere. 'n' I figure sin I spend so much time 'ere, a lassie I'm wi' wull have to love it, too.”

You nodded at his explanation, though you could feel that stirring in your stomach that made you want to squeal. You raised your glass to your lips, and paused to say a few words before you took a sip. “It’s a good thing I love it here, then.”

At that moment, you heard the soft melody of a piano playing from the far corner of the pub. As you looked up to see where the noise was coming from, you noticed a man sat at the bench, his fingers hitting the keys as the song filled the air. The talking gradually subsided as an elderly couple who had been sitting at a table slowly got up and walked to a clear area of the room. They wrapped their arms around each other and swayed in each other’s arms, smiles wide on their faces as they danced to a familiar tune.

It was beautiful to see. Complete strangers to you, and yet, something struck within you upon seeing the old couple dance together. All the years they had spent together had no doubt been difficult, especially with the war just ending, and yet they danced in the night without care as to who was watching. All that mattered was them two, in that moment, enjoying each other. It was love, in its purest form.

Two more couples began to filter in – both pairs appearing to be middle-aged. You smiled as they swayed around each other. A hand appeared in your line of vision, and as you looked up you saw who it belonged to.

“Care to dance?” Collins asked, an eyebrow quirked up. You nodded and took his hand, letting him help you up and guide you to the floor.

“I’ve got to let you know now, I’ve never danced like this,” You warned as he placed a hand on your hip and held on to your right hand. You mimicked the other ladies in the room and put your hand on his shoulder.

“Ye'll be fine. It’s juist swaying around,” he reassured as the two of you began moving with the other couples on the floor. Occasionally, you’d catch the eyes of some of those dancing, and they send a smile and a nod your way before turning back to their partner and gazing into their eyes with an affectionate look.

Every time you looked back to Collins, he had a similar look in his eyes. It was budding; it wasn’t the same look you saw the other men give to their women. Those looks were reserved for couples who had known each other for so long that all their sweet words could be translated with just a catching of the eye. This one was more one of wonder, of curiosity.

“Something got your eye?” You teased, to which he let out a small chuckle. He pulled you closer slightly and leaned his mouth down to your ear.

“Aye, 'n' I don’ wanta lose it,” he whispered.

He asked to walk you home again that night, and you went with the same deal to allow him to accompany you halfway. Though you could tell he questioned it, you could also tell he didn’t want to worry too much about it. You were grateful for that, because though you have come up with lies in short amounts of time, you weren’t sure if you’d be able to handle telling him another lie.

“This is halfway,” You said, stopping and looking up into his blue eyes. He had walked with his arm around you, using the chilly night as an excuse to be closer to you. No qualms came from you, though, as you were just as eager to be close to him as well.

“It seems th' distance got shorter,” he commented as he pulled his arm away and faced you.

“Fine,” you replied as you grabbed his hand and took a step backward, pulling him closer to you and to your destination by a step. “Is that better?”

The two of you were now so close, an inch was all that separated your chests from touching. You let go of his hand, though every part of your body didn’t want you to. Collins looked down into your Y/E/C eyes and slowly began to lean in.

“Loads better,” he whispered against your lips. You let your eyes close as you brought your lips to his. You brought a hand to the back of his neck, pulling him deeper into the kiss. He retaliated by wrapping an arm around your waist and bringing you closer to him.

You were glad the streets of this town were deserted at night time, for you’d be embarrassed if any passersby saw your private moment.  You didn’t want it to be over, but you knew that if you let it continue for any moment longer, your hands would want to wander to parts further down from his neck. You pulled away slowly, your eyes fluttering open after you did so.  

“When kin I see ye again?” Collins asked, his voice barely above a whisper. He was looking straight into your eyes, his body still fazed from this kiss with his arms still around you.

“Next week,” you answered, knowing it’d be a bit suspicious if you kept having day after day free to go on dates with the guy. “Do you have any more charming places in mind?”

“I kin think o' something guid, darlin',” he replied, his charm starting to come back as he grinned. “Meet up 'ere, aroond noon, then? Wednesday okay?”

You nodded, and stretched up to leave a small peck on his lips before stepping out of his embrace. “Until then.”

You walked backwards for a few more steps, watching his happy face follow you as you left. Before you turned to leave, you saw him wink at you – to which you giggled at and copied the gesture. Unbeknownst to you, Jack Collins stood there for a while, watching until you were out of his vision completely before he turned around and walked to his home, his hands in his pockets and a wide smile on his face the whole walk home.

[manofculture]

2K17 Midwest Road Trip

The weekend of August 11, 2017, I took a road trip with one of my day-1 homies. We go back to 3rd grade Mr. Mule’s class at Washington Elementary School! His family moved to Tennessee when we went to middle school he lives in Memphis, TN now, so we don’t get to connect much. Since we both turned that “30 ball” this year, we decided that it was the perfect time link up for a road trip! I took plenty of pictures and videos during our jaunt - most of which is staying in the vault... BUT, we learned a lot and it would be a crime if I didn’t share some of it. 

The route was Memphis, TN - Kansas City (MO & KS) and Omaha, NE. My focus on these road trips is to “do my history” which is Black American history. It seems random, but I chose Omaha because:

It’s the birthplace of Malcolm X, and 

there is NO CITY IN AMERICA that black people have not left a lasting impression. Our history is alive all over this country.  

 The trip was amazing, and I hope you enjoy!

Memphis 8.10.17

I took a 1-way flight to Memphis Thursday night. Made it into town just in time to hit an after work happy hour. This one happened to be on the roof of the Peabody Hotel - a historic hotel downtown. There was a band playing rock music, and I was pleased to hear them do a couple Chuck Berry classics (Berry is a brother from STL that invented Rock N’Roll). 

The most amazing part of the night was striking up a conversation with this group of sisters - there were six of them. It started with small talk, and eventually we learned that it was a group of SIX BLACK FEMALE LAWYERS studying at the Univ. of Memphis! They were out celebrating their homegirl’s 30th birthday...real life #BlackGirlMagic. I thought that was dope!

We ended up walking Beale St. for a bit before heading back home to get some rest before the trip.

Kansas City (KS & MO) 8.11.17  

We hit the road for KC at about 8:30a (two hours later than planned). After a good 7 hours of driving, we made it to KC. Interesting thing about KC is there are two sides - KC Missouri (which was a slave state) and KC Kansas (a free state). Our first stop was on the Kansas side. We drove straight to a neighborhood just west of the Missouri river called Quindaro. 

Quindaro was a boom town started in the 1850s. Since it was right on the river in the free state of Kansas, it eventually became an underground railroad stop for Black people escaping slavery.  We visited an overlook structure built at the top of a hill where you could see the Missouri River valley and the trail that people took as they left the river en route to Nebraska - which was the next stop on our trip! An inscription in the overlook described the fight that ensued to preserve Quindaro and keep it from becoming a landfill! It was powerful just being there!

Quindaro was also home to the Quindaro Freedman’s School, which opened during reconstruction after the Civil War. The Freedman’s School eventually grew to become Western University, an HBCU run by the AME church. 

In 1911, the AME Bishop granted Western University funds to erect a statue of freedom fighter John Brown on the campus. When we walked down to view the statue, the wildest thing happend. A man named Leo was out walking his five dogs (none of which were on leashes). Leo turned out to be a retired teacher, and he told us all about the statue - as well as Quindaro! 

We were crashing with my homie’s family that night. After we left the Quindaro site, we got cleaned up at his people’s crib, and hit the KC Chiefs v. SF 49ers preseason game. The tickets we bought were cheap, which means we got bad seats. We didn’t get to Arrowhead Stadium until the 4th quarter, and by that time, the ushers weren’t really trippin about people moving to different seats. Instead of going up to the nosebleeds, we went down to the field! The down side is, they weren’t selling beer anymore either (they stop selling at the end of the 3rd qtr)...

As far as the game, the Chiefs were pretty much imploding when we got there. We walked in on the 49ers scoring a 2pt conversion to tie the game 17-17. The 9ers went on the score a couple more times and it was a wrap. The stadium atmosphere was amazing though! It was my first time seeing an NFL game!

After the game we went downtown KCMO to check out “KC Power & Lights.” It was cool down there, great to see how they redeveloped an old power utility into a performance venue with bars and restaurants. 

The next day, we got up and knocked out the 3 hour drive to Omaha, NE.

Omaha, NE 8.12.17

After checking into the hotel, we hit the streets of Omaha. I researched this place called the Great Plains Black History Museum and that was the 1st place we visited. Their original building is in disrepair, and they moved to a retail space at the Crossroads Mall as a temporary show room for some of their artifacts. There was a volunteer on hand named Frank Hayes. He showed us around the space and we ended up having an AMAZING conversation with the brother. Turns out, he’s the founder and principal of Nebraska’s 1st Black owned accounting firm! 

http://www.hayes-cpa.com/go/home/

Him and my homie kinda got into a debate because they fall on two seperate ends of the political spectrum, which was hilarious to watch! No pics here, unfortunately.

We left the museum and stopped at the site of Malcolm X’s birth home. The house in no longer standing, but there is a foundation named after brother Malcolm that’s developing an 11 acre plot of land into a museum, garden and outdoor amphitheater. 

While we were there, another wild thing happened. We ran into a guy named Jed. Jed was from Omaha, but had never visited the Malcolm X site. He said he was a single father that found some free time and decided to stop by. We talked a little about the Autobiography of Malcolm X, and how when Jed read it in college it changed him as an individual. He said that “with everything that happened in Charlottesville today, this is the day I needed to come here.”

Our next stop was to hit N. 24th St - I wanted to see the Omaha Star building. The Omaha Star is the last black owned newspaper in Nebraska, and one of the only ones left in America! The paper was founded in 1938 by a sister named Mildred Brown! Thought it was significant in the age of FAKE NEWS, that this sister created a media platform for us by us!

Across the street from the Omaha Star was a small blue building with a long awning. There was no real signage, but the front door was open and music was coming out. There was a little sign hanging next to the door stating that NO ONE UNDER 30 YEARS OF AGE IS PERMITTED TO ENTER. Us being two new members of the 30 club, we had to investigate. It turned out to be a sort of juke joint called Jesse’s Place. The brother at the bar carded us immediately. He didn’t quite get the math right on our ages, saying that we were “close enough,” before happily serving us both.

We sat and talked with a couple of older ladies for a bit. I struck up a conversation with a sister named Marilynn Devereaux (last name is pronounced this way, not sure of the exact spelling. She made it clear that her name didn’t have an “A” in it like the white folks lol). Marilynn was happy to learn that we were traveling to connect with Omaha’s Black history. She told us that her family is one of the first three Black families that came to Omaha in 1905. She introduced us to a number of people including Mr. Union, who was in his 80s and a member of another one of the oldest Black families in Omaha. According to Marilynn, he was also thee Gabrielle Union’s great uncle! 

Definitely had a great time talking with the OGs at Jesse’s! Here’s a picture of Marilynn below. The sister that took it for us was kinda tipsy:

It was already a long day, and I was feeling every bit of my 30 years but we were on a roll! We stopped for food at Time Out Foods for some wings, and headed downtown to Old Market. I learned that this part of downtown Omaha was a former meat packing district that was redeveloped into an entertainment district. There were lots of bars and restaurants to choose from. We found a spot that had a pretty good DJ and kicked it!

Omaha, NE 8.13.17

We got up Sunday and visited St. John African Methodist Episcopal Church, the first black church organized in Omaha! When asked, we stood and introduced ourselves, and were very well received by the congregation. I was impressed and pleased by the minister delivering a message that addressed the Charlottesville terror attack that had taken place the day before!  

After service, they served burgers and peach cobbler down in the basement of the church (it was left over from a function they hosted the previous week). I got to talk with some of the elders about the church’s history. One sister gave us a tour of the church’s “history room!” 

After church, we hit the highway to end our road trip, headed back to our hometown Rockford, IL.

Rockford, IL 8.14.17

I took the day off Monday, but still had A LOT of stuff to take care of back home. One of the biggest things was to do some work for my “W-2 job” (I have about 6 other jobs too lol). I organized a job fair in the Ellis Heights neighborhood (west side Rockford), and needed to do some last minute canvassing ahead of our event. My boy got up and helped me hit the pavement to get the word out about my event! (The pic is him and my sister’s bf)

The weekend was a whirlwind! As dead tired as I was, I enjoyed every minute. It was great learning that rich history - I’m always so motivated by our people and our story! But it was even better getting to reconnect with one of my childhood friends. The midwest road trip is one we’ll never forget!

[inhalezen]

24th entry

Let me start off with saying ... I just fucking sneezed three times in a row and I feel like a part of my fucking brain just came out or some shit lol anywayssss last night was one of the best nights I've had in a good bit. I spent the night at my friend's house because it's her birthday today and so we wanted to spend it together. Anyways we went to a friend's house and there was about 8 people there at the beginning but then drew (the host) and this other dude named Phil just basically went at it because Phil decided to call drew a bitch and well. It was pretty scary because Phil wouldn't back down so that made drew have to actually fight him. At the end, once drew got him out of his house, Phil ran away. Literally. After that drew had to take a minute to calm down and shower cuz of the blood on him. After that we all just kind of chilled for a minute and talked about what happened and then we went into his room and smoked. I was pretty fucking fried because my tolerance is shit since I barely ever smoke now. And drew basically some how made everyone leave the room and it was just us two and I felt so awkward but I was too fried to move. I just wanted to sleep and then he basically attacked my mouth with his so I had to push him away and I just turned my head away from him after that. I don't know how long I stayed in that room with him but then next thing I know liz came into the room to tell me we had to go and so I got up and just waved by to drew bc fuck giving him a hug after that. And so then I don't really remember the ride home. I just remember having to climb through liz's window to get into her room and holy crap that was so hard and I thought I made hella noise but her dad didn't wake up so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ then we went to the beach and met up with friends and made new friends and I got hella sun burnt. And now drew keeps snapping me and i leave him on opened but then hours later he tries to start a conversation again and I just wanna be like "look I don't like you and I don't want to fuck so pls chill" but I don't wanna be rude because he's my friend so idk. Besides that I reconnected with an old friend from middle school. We actually dated for like 2 months and after that we never spoke again but now we hang out and he introduced me to his friends Joseph and Kalen or something like that and they're so chill and Kalen is Brooke's bf and Brooke and I used to b really close so now I hang out w her again too !! Joseph was like the dad bc he brought all the essentials to the beach. Like he brought us chairs and shit. I got the job at hollister !! I only get paid 7.25 an hour though so that kind of sucks. Devin said he could get me a job at smoothie king cuz that's where he works at so I may have to take him up on that offer bc 7.25 isn't enough. Ummm what else. I'm pretty excited for college !!! I can't wait to be completely honest. I want to meet new people and make new friends and just have a good time. I'm ready to learn more about psychology. I'm ready to possibly even change what I want to do in the future ya know ? I just want to choose the right path. I want to do something that makes me happy but that makes me $$$ too soooo I don't know. I'm sad erykah isn't I'm savannah because I won't be able to hang out with her for a while now. Ah man I don't know what else to talk about. It's been a while since I made entries. I was actually thinking about getting myself a journal and writing in there instead of making these but imma have to wait till I have money to get one because right now I'm a broke bitch haaaa 😛 yeah okay I need to go to bed. Till next time.

[sanguinesprout]

Uhhh welp... *derps x2* (Update and some past therapy and college/uni talk)

I really wanted to write a post but at the same time I’m not feeling very well and feel like the effort to do so might drain me even more. Maybe I’ll try write it more brief, since all my previous posts end up so hella long lol. 

Anyways, on monday was what I thought would be a therapy session but it was in fact another referral consultation, but I still poured all my truthful feelings and fears out. I feel kinda proud I didn’t kind of hold back or soften the things I said as much as I usually would (though I still stumbled over some words and blanked a little, but it’s okay!). Also I wasn’t as nervous as I thought I’d be, I was just so focused on trying to give the consultant all the relevant information possible and almost went overtime in my super fired up blabby confession moment lol. She noted it all down and said she’d speak with her supervisor and decide where or who best to refer me to and be in contact by the end of the week.

I literally told her so many things that I would have a hard time telling anyone or even writing here. I began with the avoidant stuff and then kinda veered off into my super paranoid-ness troubles and a little on dependent-ness, it was... ugh... real difficult to talk about it without feeling like a fool but I also mentioned how I’ve been trying really hard to rationalise things and be more positive and stuff and for someone to acknowledge and sort of praise that felt nice. I also pulled out some of the most random and uncomfortable situations from my past to give as examples for things and it was uh... I struggled a bit and felt awkward a little but she was very sympathetic and nice! :> 

When she asked what my perception of myself was, as I mentioned I have a low view of myself, I said what I thought (and it was only a few adjectives of the negative kind, but they were strong words... I guess I am being too hard on myself, but I can’t help it when it’s all I can see of myself :c) and she was a little surprised and said not many people would be able to say it so bluntly *laughs nervously and burrows head in the sand*. I made sure to get across that I’m very sensible about my actions and have been trying my best to improve and that I have a lot of hope to get better and she said this was good too ^^ There was a lot of other stuff but it’s too much effort to write down and remember lol. I’m not sure what she makes of all the stuff I said and what the supervisor will say about it, I just hope it goes in the right direction and stuff ahhh >< (Also that they don’t ask to see my blog because I did happen to mention it... they wouldn’t though right...? Like to make me conquer my fears or something ;w; ...Even if they did (unlikely) I could say no, don’t worry silly self!)

No obligations! My new mantra XD (Idek know if I’m using the right word but oh well, it works for me so imma use it! lololol~) Getting stuff off the chest and having your problems acknowledged really does feel like a weight has been lifted slightly hoo~ I feel a little bit more motivated and willing to disclose my fears and keep pushing to improve too ^^ 

I went to the supermarket after that with my sis who drove me to and from the appointment and I browsed around at a super leisurely pace. Maybe it was the sort of motivation boost from letting off the steam at the consultation that allowed me to roam around feeling less conscious of the other shoppers than I usually do, it was nice. I did still feel awk sometimes squeezing past people and sort of hovering around them cause I wanted to look at something but I persisted and I got to peruse as much as I wanted >:D

I said I didn’t want the post to get long but I thought why not write a little about my past therapy experiences since this post is about therapy, so here I go~! :U

In college I went to see a therapist lady about my ‘social anxiety’. I don’t remember the details before that, it was probably me finally acknowledging I was genuinely having a hard time with socialising or fitting in wherever I am and constantly being anxious around others that prompted me to get help. It’s likely I read some shizz off the internet then too lol. I think in school before that I would converse and confide in a friend who also had similar feelings but when it got to college I hardly saw them because their schedule was like the opposite of mine. The line between friends and classmates, it kinda becomes clear once you stop being together out of convenience (of the same class times and such).

The friendships I had and were grateful for just gradually faded and I guess my lack of initiative (or fear) to continue communication outside just made it even more inevitable. It’s okay though, people move on and people change, especially in the case of when people move to far away locations too. They have their life to live however and with whoever they want, and I have mine (which is terrible but... maybe it won’t be later on). I do miss them and I miss the time I spent in school with them, but what I hope most is that they are all happy and doing well c: There’s a lot more I’d want to write, but this post isn’t about that. There’s plenty of time to reminisce, remedy and maybe even reconnect with them someday later on.

Anyways, I can’t remember anything too detailed with the therapy there except we talked some and she game some sort of worksheets with some tasks to help me acknowledge my feelings and fears and to try expose myself to them little by little. I don’t think I got that far with that or maybe it’s because I chose to start seeing her so close to the end of my time at college that well the sessions obviously didn’t continue for long, I don’t think I went more than a small handful of times. 

Something else I remember from probably one of my first talks with her, is that she asked me what I would wish for (or where I’d wish to live?? idk too long ago to remember) if I could, and I said something like to live in a normal house like everyone else lol. Idk I was envious of the cosy homes my friends, relatives and families on tv have that were so different from my own, more modern and homely unlike mine which is so old, unconventional and constantly noisy because my parents workplace is aside it. (Maybe the work place and home being so close makes it hard for my parents to sort of separate their work mindset and leisure time and that’s why they can never sort of relax and why I can never be comfortable idk.) Uh well anyways, she replied that it was such a humble(?) modest(??) wish... uh I’m really not sure of the right word to use to describe it or what she said exactly but basically it was indicating my wish was not like the extravagant sort of things other people would probably wish for. My wish (though I can’t remember the exact context leading up to asking about it) was in essence to be normal and have a normal environment and I guess that still stands, though I do have bigger dreams now too, but still not the overly extravagant kind haha. Idek what I was trying to say in this paragraph lol *goldfish memory*.

Also something else during college time, is that I went to this breathing exercise help thing which was supposedly supposed to help people who are anxious in exams or something but I just went in hope it might help me in general. It literally was just listening to some relaxing nature sounds and seeing some matching imagery while having your pulse tracked at the same time and I sucked at it and didn’t really improve much lol XD It was supposed to help you regulate your breathing and stuff but I just probably got more anxious about it. I wonder if it is anxiety that has been causing me all sorts of worrisome chest related problems, as they have persisted till now more than a decade later unresolved and still causing me bother. This is one of the health problems out of many which I have been trying to get to the bottom of and fix in the recent years, it’s really unsettling not knowing what’s really wrong or how to fix it ugh. Maybe I’ll write about it in a separate post another time (always putting off stuff ahhh, but I guess it makes sense to here), I’ve actually been trying real hard and gone through quite a lot of things in effort to resolve things, I’m kind of proud of myself for doing so but I need to continue to persevere.

Hmm... okay now for the therapist I went to in university. I can’t remember the exact thing that prompted me to start going or how I came to know of it, but it was probably the similar feelings of struggling and needing guidance and idk reading posters or some info booklets maybe. I know I started going later than I could have again and stopped going completely because... well, I ended up dropping out of Uni altogether :c I was struggling so badly, the anxiety, the depression etc. just made it so difficult to sleep, concentrate or understand anything and just being there unnerved me so much. I still regret it and feel like such a failure, but university isn’t for everyone anyways, I just chose to go because it is the typical thing to do after college (but a degree doesn’t guarantee work or anything so bleeeh~)

The therapist I was appointed was a guy and he was nice and this will sound really ridiculous and I feel real bad thinking this, but something about the way he looked reminded me of an army sergeant and it made me extra uncomfortable and intimidated. It was just so hard to unsee and also the fact he is a guy like I mentioned earlier make me unsettled (I’m even more insecure around guys) Dx Also I remember talking about some of my female related physical problems as I was going to doctors trying to sort stuff back then too (still partially unresolved now ugh) and well uh... it was so awks but he said he could understand and relate because his daughter had the same problem, he would share some stories about her other times too and I guess it was kind of nice, it helped me to see him more as a softer father type person rather than an army sergeant I guess lol.

Anyways that’s not important! One of the things I distinctly remember about my sessions there, is that one of his earlier sort of tasks was to write down what I thought of myself on a paper. I took the paper and I drew a simple scrawl of myself with an unhappy face and next to it (or in a speech bubble) I wrote ‘I hate myself’ and without looking up, I cried onto it... :< (I wonder how many times therapists have to see people cry a week or even a day ><) He gave me a sympathetic look and I don’t remember what else happened that session, probably just talked about some more basic stuff about myself and some positive thinking advice.

Another thing I found memorable is that he told me ‘you are the one that knows yourself best’ and it really stuck with me. There was also a kind of ‘you are the only one that can change yourself/you are the one that can help yourself most’ kind of phrase (but I can’t remember the exact wording) and before that he would use a sort of metaphorical situation and ask me what I would do. The one for this phrase was something about being out at sea/or a pool and needing help... *blank blank something something* ...uh I can’t remember the rest of the details and I don’t think I should guess because I made a whole lotta nonsense in the other paragraph before lol. Again it feels kind of unreal, like I was a different person then or that I’m seeing it from a different perspective... I wonder if it’s dissociation or something, it just feels so strange ><

Oh also this is semi-irrelevant but I went to have Dyslexia tests at both college and uni also (my friend that already went recommended me to go). I just wanted to know why I was struggling so bad, why I had so much trouble with concentrating, taking in info and all that stuff. Maybe I’ll write about the outcome of these and where they lead me another time (ugh) when I write about all my other health focused posts. I’ll just mention again that so many things in mental health and function overlap and that it’s so difficult to discern the definitive reasons for things, the diagnosis I got was...eh... and I took it with a grain of salt pretty much (and btw my family/relatives weren’t all that convinced or supportive of this or when I had a diagnosis of depression which was... well it wasn’t great). I’m glad I had the courage to go to these too because it did help me to understand myself and work a tiny bit more efficiently, but I guess my avpd-ness prevented me from wanting to use the stuff and advice they gave me in class and well, it was already kind of too late to sort of salvage what little motivation I had then and try continue.

Uh... that was hella negative. But I guess that’s basically all I remember about those things. I started writing this post on monday but well I guess I had more to write about than I thought and I didn’t have enough time alone to think about it and write it lol. I’ll finish this post by mentioning some of my more positive things from yesterday ^^ I phoned the mobile provider of this phone I bought recently and returned to get some details on my return. I’ve put this off for a few days already and wasn’t going to try, but I pushed myself to and yay I got the answer I wanted (though I could have said my question a bit more straight forward in the beginning instead but in the end I got there, so it’s okay xD). The past year or so I’ve called the doctors and my phone provider the most probably lol. About why I returned the phone... I just really wanted a new phone because mine is so old and frustratingly dysfunctional, but I changed my mind about the one I got and decided to wait to get another one. Indecision and impulse buying at it’s best yo~~~

Also I emailed an enquiry to a seller about some problem I had with some product bought from Amazon (which I’ve also been putting off). In general I feel I’ve been trying harder to not let that ‘oh no someone’s gonna judge me’ feeling from stopping me do some small things I wanted to do, like listen to this derpy old cd I found on my living room stereo just before and commenting on some things online (with my cheesy jokes and over enthusiastic complimenting as usual lol *facepalm*). Also thinking more positively about things like, when you feel you weren’t successful, it’s best not to beat yourself up about it, at least you tried and you can try again and it might be even better than previously. Like with this post, I didn’t finish it on monday or yesterday like I wanted, but there’s no point feeling down or mad at myself for it (I mean it was my own choice really and my fear stopping me, but it’s not gonna help to be overly harsh to myself about it) and since I’m continuing it now anyways, it’s no big deal. It wasn’t mandatory for me to finish it, I shouldn’t worry about it, no obligations! ^^ I hope I can keep it up and keep pushing out of my comfort zone too! 

Ze end~! Must go do something more productive! Let’s go~! :3