#even within I a community in which I am fairly active and have good relationships somehow I do not get in this network or whatever

[freedarick]

If I love and appreciate people, why in the hell cannot I believe that I can also be loved and appreciated??

[readingbibooks]

Why bisexual people identify as gay - in their own words

Because identifying as gay is in some way preferable to identifying as bisexual:

"I felt at home as a gay man. It was an identity that felt solid and all-encompassing." - Simon Eilbeck

"Jeremiah and Sierra felt that openly identifying as gay and queer, respectively, was much easier than identifying as bisexual." - Jayna Tavarez

Because of a commitment to a gay "lifestyle":

"I am still gay. If I have relationships with women they will be nearer to gay relationships with women than heterosexist ones." - 'Andy'

"'Bisexual' always felt like I still belonged at least somewhat to the heteronormative world... 'Gay' meant I was setting myself apart from every lie I'd told myself growing up." - Kathryn Lesko

"Identifying as a lesbian is more than who is sleeping in your bed, as any unpartnered lesbian can tell you... It’s not a simple matter for her of “exchanging lesbian oppression for heterosexual privilege.” It is an enormous trauma to be forced... to choose." - 'Dajenya'

Because of a commitment to gay rights activism:

"As the oppression of gay people and homosexuality surges all around us in increasing waves, I feel I want to assert my gayness all the more... While the fence is there I want to stand on the gay side of it." - David Burkle

“Even though I do see myself as bisexual, I decided to go to the other side of the spectrum because I feel that the oppression is really coming from there. It’s really easy for people to ignore that side of me. So in order for that not to happen I have chosen to define myself as a gay activist, even though in reality I know that there is always another part of me." - Billy Jones

“I made a decision fairly early in my public coming out to frequently use the word gay when speaking to the mainstream heterosexual community. I did not want to have my bisexuality seen as minimising the side of me that is gay." - Dave Matteson

“There is a strong element among bisexual political activists of people who work hard within lesbian and gay campaigns and actively identify with the lesbian and gay movement, even though lesbians and gays may not always realise that there are bisexuals in their midst.” - Sharon Rose

Because of fear of rejection from the gay community:

“If a person has come to identify as lesbian or gay and become a part of lesbian or gay communities, she or he has probably undergone a grieving of heterosexual models and quite possibly has experienced the loss of support from some friends and relatives in the heterosexual community. If he or she then recognizes heterosexual attractions, coming out as bisexual to gay or lesbian friends may involve new rejections and new grief." - Dave Matteson

“Many people privately identify as bisexual but, to avoid conflict and preserve their ties to a treasured community, choose to label themselves publicly as lesbian, gay, or straight, further contributing to bisexual invisibility. These women and men feel terror at the thought of being cast out or ostracized from the community from which they derive their support, nourishment, and sense of self." - Robyn Ochs

“There are women who would no longer approve of me if they knew I was bisexual. I would hate to lose my good name in the lesbian community." - Judy Freespirit

"To be totally honest, I did briefly give up and let mysellf 'gay-pass'... The less I corrected assumptions, the more I was welcomed (and hired) by the lesbian and gay community." - Sandra Alland

Because of external pressure:

"It seems that the hardest part about owning one’s bisexuality is resisting the pressure to choose one label over the other. Everyone wants you to do that." - Betsey Ringel and Ann Lewis

"People with bisexual desires have often thought that they were bad, confused and greedy, or have repressed their feelings. They begin to wonder why they cannot choose one sex over another - what is wrong with them." - Sue George

They don't identify as gay, but are assumed to be anyway:

"You are bisexual, but everyone who knows you assumes you are a lesbian and those who don't assume you are straight." - Chitra Ramaswamy

“Reviewers called my bisexual book a lesbian book, and it stuck. They assumed the poems about men were from before I came out.” - Sandra Alland

"I always felt a fraud when I spent a lot of time with lesbians: perhaps if I’d had a big ‘B’ stamped on my forehead I would have felt more comfortable, and not as though I was unintentionally deceiving people." - Anonymous, quoted by Sue George

[midnightactual]

PSA: Personal Update & Activity

I don't owe any kind of explanation for where I've been and why to anyone who doesn't already know, but I'm going to provide one anyway. In my time here, I've tried to keep things focused on the muse(s), or at least the meta—on "business"—and not on me. I've come to realize that nobody was ever really asking for that, that it was probably kind of alienating and self-isolating, and also that it was a reflection of my own preconceptions about being personally open coming across as burdensome to others. So I'm going to tell you some of what's been up with me, not because I want sympathy or advice or support or anything else, but simply because I can.

For about nine years, I've been dealing with a kind of variable level of depression mostly induced by ADHD paralysis. I haven't been medicated for over two decades, and for various reasons I've also been extremely averse to admitting and acknowledging the reality of my mental health situation and its causes. I can admit it now, and I've taken steps to get back on medication (in the middle of a shortage of it, yay!) and I'm looking into talking with professionals. I'm also dealing with employment and relationship issues which have stemmed from this. Basically I'm trying to get my head on straight and get my life in order. I have a lot going on.

As always, real life takes priority and all, but I feel that being part of Tumblr's RPC and interacting with both my own muses (especially Yoruichi) and others has been helpful and even in some ways therapeutic. Working with a muse comes with handling a lot of differing perspectives on things, which I think helped put me in a position to more readily understand and accept what was going on with me within a fairly fast timespan once I was forced to confront it.

I think that RP is (or at least can be) good for understanding, for processing, for socializing, and ultimately for healing. I know that I've made a lot of great friends and found a sense of community during my time here. Because of that, I think it'd be helpful at this point for me to maintain some level of presence here.

Having said that, my activity is going to be focused around what I need at any given time. I still have a mountain of drafts and asks I intend to get to and a lot of irons in the fire when it comes to projects, but I am only going to do things as and when I find them interesting, useful, or helpful to me. This isn't a reflection on anyone else. It's nothing personal. I just truly get now that I have to put myself and my wellbeing first at all times. With that said, I hope everyone understands, and I look forward to getting back into things here.

[maguddayaorovin]

My name is Rovin Maguddayao. I am in the first semester of my senior year studying at St Paul University Philippines.

I'd like to tell you a little bit about my background, interests, achievements and goals.

I am bonafide resident of Bangag, Solana Cagayan. There's a shop where I can pop into quickly if I run out of something. It's also a fairly quiet area,with a lots of families and older people. My hometown is the place that holds countless spectacular memories of my childhood and youth. We're five in our family. My mother's name is Vincent,my father is Roderick ,and I have an older sister named Rovigail and Ria.

I have a good relationship with my classmates and teachers as I generally sociable in personality. I am thoughtful and helpful in school. As for my studies I pay special attention to the development of my thinking skills so that I become quick in thinking and broad in knowledge.

Seeking reality and progress. I have achieved excellence in my studies. I particularly love subjects like Filipino, Personal Development, Oral Communication,and General Biology. I excel at logical reasoning and oral communication. I am creative and unique in my views on certain matters. I may say i am also excellent morally because I am strict with myself, following the rules and regulations,and taking an active part in various activities.

My everyday activities include going to school,playing volleyball, and watching k-dramas

Watching k-drama's has been my hobby since the pandemic started. It's special. I've seen a lot of TV show (both American and Korean), and I believe k-drama has a unique way of touching people's live because it tells a familiar story; watching reply 1988 transported me back to my childhood. I grew in such a comfortable place like Deok Sun.A lot of dramas touch your heart in a special way because they feel familiar. It transports you on a cloud while you childishly reminisce about the first time you fell in love or reminds you of the heartbreak you felt after a failed relationship.It paints a beautiful picture. The cinematography in K-drama is always impressive.It also comes with a beautiful soundtrack. You get lovely soundtrack every k-drama you watch.lastly, it leaves you with a list of men (or women) to swoon over. let's be honest and admit that we watch k-dramas for the handsome actors. Okay,there are beautiful actors everywhere, even here in the Philippines. But I can't explain how addictive these k-dramas men are.

There are things you would like to accomplish in your life. Life goals are the big things to work for and accomplish,such as getting married and having a family, starting your own business, becoming a big time executive,or traveling the globe. I want to be a successful someday and buy my favorite car, expensive clothes and a house and start a coffee business. Since then, sipping a cup of coffee has been my escape from this harsh world. But my ultimate goal is to get a degree in nursing. As I remember back then, me and my friend were pretending to be a nurse and a patient. And I keep telling myself that one day I'll be able to wear an aesthetic clinical uniform.I will be looking for opportunities to expand my responsibilities within this role to work towards my goal. In 10 years from now, I see my self with some good qualifications, working in reputed institution, spending time with my family and doing something for my society and nature.

I will be better in a position and for that I will improve my skills and knowledge in that role.St Paul University Philippines leads me where I'm leading because SPUP making a difference globally and this school has the bestest teachers. Spup has a good quality in education, which means, that provides all learners with capabilities they require to become economically productive, develop sustainable livelihoods, contribute to peaceful and democratic societies and enhance individual well-being.

Was stem really a best choice after all?

Honestly choosing a strand is one of the hardest decision I've made,but destiny brought me to STEM, which was the best choice I've ever made. Since I will be a nurse someday,I chose this strand it teaches us more mathematics and science concepts, which I can apply in my future course. The knowledge we gain from this strand will prepare us as they enter the medical field.

What course will you take in college and why?

I will take nursing because it gives me the opportunity to positively impact my patients and community. I chose nursing as my career path because I have always enjoyed helping people.

[utilitycaster]

Hey you seem like someone who’s not going to be an ass about this: would you be willing to get into the reasons you don’t see Caleb/Veth as a romantic ship? I get frustrated bc I often feel that peoples reasons often (subconsciously mostly) boil down to “I don’t wanna ship the short fat married woc”. I’m asking you in good faith cause I trust your historically nuanced takes and I’ve always wanted to know the thoughts of someone I trust not to just get mad who doesn’t ship WB.

Sure! I do want to first possibly disappoint you; the fact that she is married - and actively interested in reuniting with her husband once that becomes an option, and actively working on her marriage and communicating about that throughout - was, for me, a significant factor. I actively love Veth's relationship with Yeza. The reunion of the two in episode 57 remains a highlight of the campaign for me, and I think their marriage was wonderfully and realistically portrayed within the limitations of D&D (ie, in which Yeza is an NPC, with the expectations that an NPC has when interacting with a PC they care about).

Which I suppose doesn't rule out a potential three-way ship and I think the reason I wasn't into that is I'm really turned off by the weird fandom trend of "no love triangles! only shipping poly relationships" which, I am an adult, I have many friends who have opened up formerly monogamous relationships for this reason and sometimes it really works out but FUCK NO is it not some kind of universal solution to the problem of "having feelings for more than one person" and so to ship a three way thing in actual play specifically* I really need there to be like, a strong indication of everyone involved being into it to ship it, otherwise it reminds me of some really depressing conversations with friends going through divorces only a few years after getting married.

Beyond that I think it came down to the fact that for me, it always sort of felt that Veth's perception of Caleb was always heavily skewed towards her first impression. It felt that even well into the campaign, she was always trying to give him just a little push - and it was always well-meaning and from a place of love, but this still often backfired, eg: repeatedly pushing him towards Astrid despite knowing some of the backstory and potential risks because she thought it would be good for him. I should note it didn't seem like she wanted Caleb to stay in a bad place - she wanted him to become stronger and happier branch out - but it felt she had a very specific idea of what that was, and I don't know if it's what Caleb wanted. It didn't feel like she was listening to his actual desires - he ultimately had to tell her to stop calling him the leader because he didn't see it that way, and while her motivations were kind ones, it wasn't actually helping. It's been a few months so I don't remember all the cases but at the time this felt like at throughline - everything was kind and well-intentioned, but a lot of it wasn't what he wanted, and she didn't ask, she just did it.

Which I would note was also present to an extent in her relationship with Yeza! That was Veth's problem, of putting her own desires on hold for someone else who was saying "don't do this, it's not what I need and it's not what you need!" The difference is that Yeza seemed to pick up on this, but I think for much of the campaign Caleb wasn't quite at a place to be able to say this in a way that wasn't going to actually just worsen it. Caleb's attitude until fairly late in the campaign was often "why are you spending time on me, a terrible person", which is just going to make someone in Veth's position lovingly push harder which will make the person in Caleb's position feel even more guilty, unless someone breaks that cycle, and I think by the time they were able to break that cycle, it was late in the campaign, Veth was actively trying very hard to work on her marriage, and Caleb was interested in at least two other people who were (at the time) more available.

Overall, Veth's feelings for Caleb were definitely real and I think there's sufficient space to say that he returned some of them but I also think a lot of those feelings came from a time when neither of them expected much more than living on the run with only each other.

*In scripted works where the actors have more distance and it's not improvised I will happily ship something far more messy. But in the context of an adventuring party in actual play, that you are in a party together and rely on each other for survival and cannot really escape a toxic situation AND this relationship is being improvised by people trying to play a game...I have an infinitely lower tolerance for dysfunction in my actual play PC relationships than I do in other media. Brennan Lee Mulligan actually has stated this is why D20 tends to have NPC/PC ships for the most part; the NPC can leave.

[intergalacticfop]

Muskrat fur cuffs and the North American fur trade

In this post, I am focusing my research on the fur trade up to the mid 18th century. On a superficial level, this is because the armlets in question are based on a 1732-35 painting. But, more importantly, any attempt to expand beyond this using this format would be far too limited to responsibly grapple with the history. In addition, the end of the French and Indian wars in 1763 resulted in changing fur trade dynamics which would not be easily integrated into the research I have been able to do. There are many facets I had to leave out like religion, trading posts, and more, simply because a comprehensive history of the fur trade, even before 1763, is a book topic, not an Instagram one. For this post, I chose to focus largely on the material aspect--tangible goods and how they were experienced by Indigenous communities as both suppliers of pelts and consumers of trade items. The latter slides will also look into human relationships and enduring consequences as much as space will allow.

“Indigenous” in this post is a catch-all descriptor that tries to encompass a vast variety of different nations who had varying contacts and concerns within the early fur trade. In the north, Hudson’s Bay Company traded primarily with Cree, Dene, Inuit, and Assiniboine groups (Chan 79). The Great Lakes region was dominated by Anishinaabe groups, including the Ojibwe, Odawa, and Potawatomi (Warren 124). In the Ohio River Valley, trade was largely divided among the Miami, Wyandot, and Shawnee (Sleeper-Smith, Indigenous Prosperity 95). Additional fur trading occurred along the southern British colonies as well, but I did not find scholarship that has covered it to the same extent. The history of the North American fur trade, at least in its earlier decades, challenges the paternalistic idea that Indigenous groups were helpless against the arrival of Europeans and their trade goods, as if European culture was so potent that mere proximity was enough to degrade centuries-old traditions. Rather, Indigenous peoples used their knowledge of the land, access to pelts, and kinship networks to enter into the trade on their own terms and use it to further their own material and cultural ends.

While the fur trade was dominated by beaver pelts, Native American trappers caught and traded a variety of pelts. Muskrat made up a fairly minor part of the overall trade, but still had moments of demand. In the Ohio River Valley, the muskrat fur trade grew as a result of beaver pelt oversupply in the late 17th century. Between 1696 and 1716, indigenous peoples in the valley developed a fur trade that focused on pelts like muskrat, otter, raccoon, and marten. These pelts had become more valuable as trade goods, and more prized in the European market, because of the drop in beaver prices (Indigenous Prosperity 192-194). Further north, the Hudson’s Bay Company acquired an estimated 6000-7000 pelts annually between 1710 and 1725, 15,200 pelts in 1739 and 24,600 pelts in 1750 (Obbard 1015). Notably, this rise towards the middle of the 18th century corresponds to both an overall boom in the fur trade in the 1730s, and a drop in beaver trade by 1750, both factors that would encourage the trapping of muskrat (Carlos 111-112). 

European traders were highly sensitive to the material preferences of their counterparts. Indigenous trappers and their families had very specific standards for trade goods. Cloth is the most significant example of this. European textile mills produced cloth specifically for Native consumers, with close attention to color, pattern, and weight (Levine). The importance of cloth also highlights the extent to which the European goods provided in the trade shifted fairly quickly from utilitarian goods to luxury items. Silver, for instance, was in such high demand even as early as the late 17th century that it actually endangered the currency supply in New France as French traders sought to melt down silver coins into tradeable items (Indigenous Prosperity 193). For Indigenous artisans, especially women, this influx of luxury European goods offered opportunities to enhance their own artistry. Native women used cloth and its attendant sewing implements, beads and trim, to create elaborate beadwork and patterns on clothing, creating exquisite wearable artwork with deeply meaningful expressions of their own cultures (Indigenous Prosperity 175). Indigenous relationships with European trade goods were highly transformative. Even old kettles were taken apart and transformed into jewelry and other items of personal adornment. Indigenous consumers readily adapted trade goods into their own cultures, rather than performing a simple 1:1 replacement of traditional goods and ways of life for European ones.

In 1852, William Whipple Warren wrote a history of the Ojibwe, his mother’s people, based on oral histories he collected. The accounts in this history accord with a general impression that the fur trade in the 17th and 18th centuries was actively managed by and productive for the indigenous participants, rather than reducing Native peoples to mere clients of European trading houses. The book includes several anecdotes that depict the fur trade as a way for the Ojibwe to further their own personal and national goals, especially in relation to other Indigenous groups. One story recounts an Ojibwe hunter who, after his family was massacred by enemy O-dug-am-ee (Fox/Meskwaki), trapped for pelts until he had enough to convince the French to help him get revenge (Warren 153). In instances like this, European traders were used as tools by indigenous operators rather than the other way around. The Ojibwe also used the fur trade for their own territorial ends. Through trade, they acquired weapons with which to fight against the Dakota/Santee Sioux, pushing them out of favorable grounds (Warren 160, 178). The Ojibwe thus gained yet more opportunities to trap valuable pelts for the fur trade (Warren 126-127). In this instance, as in many others, the fur trade with Europeans had markedly different effects on different Indigenous nations.

The histories also specifically highlight the difference between French and English traders, praising the French for their respect of Ojibwe customs and integration into Ojibwe communities, which later English and American settlers bypassed in favor of assimilation and domination (Warren 132). Successful integration into Native communities and kinship networks was crucial for the success of early European fur traders. For one thing, European traders were largely dependent on Indigenous communities to provide them with food (Sleeper-Smith, Women Kin & Catholicism 429). Indigenous women in particular attained importance for their role in agricultural production and through their ability to create profitable trade relationships for both sides through marriage (Women Kin & Catholicism 430). Warren’s history gives an example of the centrality of women in the fur trade when he mentions the Ojibwe wife of French trader Jean Baptiste Cadotte, who was notable for the influence she could sway over her extended family (Warren 213). The influence from these kinship networks enabled Cadotte to convince the Ojibwe of Lake Superior to stay out of Pontiac’s rebellion, keeping them from being destroyed like some other tribes that had gotten involved in European wars (Warren 211).

An overview of this trade, no matter how general, still has to acknowledge the enduring negative consequences that have been wrought by the presence and encroachment of white colonists into Indigenous spaces. The North American fur trade evolved into something much more exploitative with the European occupation of Indigenous peoples’ traditional territories and the proliferation of unfair treaties. For instance, the accounts of the early fur trade in Warren’s oral history of the Ojibwe were colored by the tellers’ awareness of the negative impact that contact with European settlers had ultimately caused by the 19th century. Guns and alcohol are singled out as the most significant trade goods, reflecting the compounding detrimental effect that these items had Native populations in later decades (Warren 119). In addition, even benign contact with European groups carried exposure to devastating diseases like smallpox. The disruptions caused to Indigenous communities by disease, warfare, and European settlement affected traditional supplies and made them more reliant on a fur trade that was increasingly stacked against indigenous traders.

A 1972 documentary called “The Other Side of the Ledger: An Indian View of the Hudson's Bay Company” describes how the Hudson Bay Company exploited Indigenous fur traders into the modern day. The company traded for furs on unequal terms, and Indigenous trappers were unable to try to trade elsewhere for more favorable terms because for many remote communities, the Hudson Bay Company stores were the only nearby sources of food. These supplies were sold at high mark-ups, forcing customers to buy on credit. This crediting system kept Indigenous communities in perpetual debt to the Hudson Bay Company, as their principal provider of food and buyer of pelts. The particular involvement of the Hudson Bay Company in operating these stores ended in 1987 (Gismondi), but even today food insecurity remains high among Native families living on reservations, owing to limited and expensive groceries and low incomes. The early years of the fur trade held promise as a zone of cultural and economic exchange in which Indigenous participants were often equal, at times dominant, partners in trade. Nevertheless, contact with European traders initiated a perpetual drive for settlement, territorial expansion, and the attendant marginalization of Native peoples in their own lands by European colonizers.

Works Cited:

Carlos, Ann M., and Frank D. Lewis. Commerce by a Frozen Sea: Native Americans and the European Fur Trade. University of Pennsylvania Press, 2010. http://www.jstor.org/stable/j.ctt3fhbsp.

DeFalco, Martin and Willie Dunn, dir. The Other Side of the Ledger: An Indian View of the Hudson’s Bay Company. 1972; National Film Board of Canada. https://www.nfb.ca/film/other_side_of_the_ledger/.

Gismondi, Melissa. “The untold story of the Hudson’s Bay Company.” Canadian Geographic.May 2, 2020. https://www.canadiangeographic.ca/article/untold-story-hudsons-bay-company.

Levine, Mary Ann. “The Fabric of Empire in a Native World: An Analysis of Trade Cloth Recovered from Eighteenth-Century Otstonwakin.” American Antiquity 85, no. 1 (2020): 51–71. doi:10.1017/aaq.2019.81.

Obbard, Martyn E. et. al, “Furbearer Harvests in North America.” 1987. In Wild Furbearer Management and Conservation in North America, edited by M. Novak, J.A. Baker, M.E. Obbard, B. Malloch, 1007-1034. Ontario Ministry of Natural Resources, 1999. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/275353911_Furbearer_Harvests_in_North_America_1600-1984 

Sleeper-Smith, Susan. Indigenous Prosperity and American Conquest: Indian Women of the Ohio River Valley, 1690-1792. Chapel Hill: University of North Carolina Press, 2018. Accessed August 11, 2021. http://www.jstor.org/stable/10.5149/9781469640600_sleeper-smith.

Sleeper-Smith, Susan. "Women, Kin, and Catholicism: New Perspectives on the Fur Trade." Ethnohistory 47, no. 2 (Spring, 2000): 423-452.

Smith, David Chan. "The Hudson's Bay Company, Social Legitimacy, and the Political Economy of Eighteenth-Century Empire." The William and Mary Quarterly 75, no. 1 (2018): 71-108. doi:10.5309/willmaryquar.75.1.0071.

Warren, William Whipple. History of the Ojibways: Based upon Traditions and Oral Statements. Saint Paul, Minn.: Minnesota Historical Society, 1885. https://www.loc.gov/item/rc01001074/. 

Further Reading

Allard, Amélie. “Relationships and the Creation of Colonial Landscapes in the Eighteenth-Century Fur Trade.” American Indian Quarterly 44 (2020): 149–70. doi:10.5250/amerindiquar.44.2.0149.

Nassaney, Michael S. "Decolonizing Archaeological Theory at Fort St. Joseph, An Eighteenth-Century Multi-Ethnic Community in the Western Great Lakes Region." Midcontinental Journal of Archaeology 37, no. 1 (2012): 5-23. http://www.jstor.org/stable/24571259.

Snow, Deborah. "Impact of the French Fur Trade on the Lives of Native Women in the Great Lakes Region during the Seventeenth, Eighteenth, and Nineteenth Centuries." Order No. EP77052, University of Michigan-Flint, 1999.

[moviegroovies]

confession time: for someone who (semi) actively runs a movie blog, i really haven’t seen a lot of classic movies.

(i know this comes as a shock for those of y’all who have been subjected to nothing but my half-baked thoughtpieces on bad 80′s horror for the past couple of years, but bear with me.) 

to be honest, even this review doesn’t REALLY represent me making an active choice to remedy that so much as it does me pulling a long con where i endear myself to marilyn monroe by watching her movies to get myself excited to watch the miniseries blonde (2001), for abnormally pretty, young jensen ackles purposes*, but let’s not dwell on all that. the practical result is the same; i watched some like it hot (1959). now, i hope y’all are ready for a few some like it Thoughts™:

first, idk how much attention y’all have been paying to the loose bits of personal lore i occasionally scatter within my reviews, but one thing about myself that i feel i’ve been pretty open about is the fact that i’m trans. this being so, and knowing not a whole lot about the movie beyond the very basic premise “1959 extended man in a dress gag,” i can’t say i went in with the highest of expectations. imagine my surprise, then, when the gender aspect of this movie was... actually pretty good? i mean, full disclosure, it’s not exactly gender studies, but it’s passable! it’s tolerable! there were even a few moments where i felt inclined to say the words “oh, GENDER?” out loud!

perhaps most impressively, i’d say the Cis Creator Cringe Factor of some like it hot was actually impressively LOWER than a lot of modern moves with genderswapping premises tend to be. like, i know that one definite explanation for that would be the fact that trans experiences are more widespread today, so modern filmmakers don’t feel comfortable playing with ideas like this without at least giving lipservice to them, while the era that bore some like it hot didn’t face the same “pressure,” but, okay. listen. compared to another movie i watched recently--freaky (2020), in which a teenage girl swaps bodies with serial killer vince vaugn, featuring one incredibly anvilicious scene where, upon being informed by a gay boy that she’s in the men’s bathroom, the girl’s best friend retorts, “she [vince vaugn]’s got a dick in her hand, and you’re wearing chanel no. 5. i think we’re past labels.”--some like it hot, a movie older than my father, was wayyyy easier to watch**. actually, you know what? yeah. listen to me. cis content creators? movie producers? i’m talking to you. DON’T EVEN BRING GENDER (or gender “identities”... which is an incredibly gross term, anyway) UP IF YOU’RE NOT PLANNING TO DO SOMETHING WITH IT. sincerely, this particular bad taste corner of the trans community :).

...anyway.

some like it hot, by contrast, did it right. YES, the premise of the movie was two presumably cis men in disguise as women. i’ll put that in the open. however, there was a certain... i don’t know if “respect” is the right word, but there was an avoidance, at least, of the usual predatory tropes. in fact, the worst behavior by far from either main character comes when joe manages to take off his female disguise, donning another, male persona and using things that sugar (marilyn’s character) confided in “josephine” to create a nonthreatening, desirable “millionaire” in order to trick her into sex. okay, like i said, it’s not gender studies, but, the humor in some like it hot comes from generally the right place. joe and jerry don their female disguises in a matter that in quite literally life and death for them (and it’s more than the creators ever thought of, i’m sure, but there IS an interesting analysis to be had of them needing to pass to live), which to a degree removes the usual pitfalls of male to female crossdressing as a gag; they’re neither doing it for lecherous reasons, nor to parody the female experience. this being a comedy, there is a degree of humor found in the situation, but it’s directed at jerry and joe, the characters, more than their disguises. the general assumption is that they both pass without question, as long as they’re wearing their ladies’ clothes; jerry once comments that he’s “not even pretty,” but it’s never an issue to contend with. 

wrt the crossdressing, the worst moment for me, personally, was a scene on the train when jerry prepared to take off the disguise in order to sleep with sugar, and even this ends up comedically averted at jerry’s expense.

and speaking of jerry.

jerry is actually the most compelling part of the movie for me, especially viewing it through the lens of gender. while joe, who gets the girl and manages to spend large chunks of the latter part of the film in his second, male disguise, never thinks too much about what they’re doing beyond the survival aspect of it, jerry is the one who, erm, “gets into character.” joe’s female name is simply josephine; before they get on the train with the woman musicians, it’s assumed that jerry will be going by “geraldine.” however, when they give their introductions, the duo becomes josephine... and daphne. 

as the movie progresses, this distinction grows more pronounced; when joe has to remind a smitten jerry on the train that he’s a girl, referring to their disguises, jerry miserably repeats the affirmation: “i’m a girl. i’m a girl. i want to die. i’m a girl.” later on, however, as joe’s relationship with sugar develops, “daphne” becomes acquainted with local horndog millionaire osgood, who he at first dislikes, but comes around to after being forced on a date as part of joe’s plan to trick sugar. after seeing jerry excited by the prospect of marrying osgood, a bewildered joe has to remind jerry why it’s an impossibility, and in the same miserable tone as before, jerry/daphne muddles through a new affirmation, one that definitely didn’t ring false to my trans ears: “i’m a boy. i’m a boy. i want to die. i’m a boy.” 

hm. actually, now i’m thinking about a trans male reading of joe. he was the one at first resistant to taking the job (with the all-female band), when they only needed money, and not a place to hide from an upset mob boss, but also the one who seems to know more about the role when it comes time to get into character. while jerrydaphne gets increasingly comfortable with femininity as time passes, joe never performs it in anything but a perfunctory, necessary way, and sloughs the costume EVEN WHEN the danger of being found out has not yet passed, because pretending for such a long period of time is just untenable. something about passing for female being a safe haven and a burden for both closeted (re-closeted, in this case) trans men and out trans women?

anyway. by the end, though both osgood and sugar do find out the truth about the disguises, sugar seems to instantly forgive joe for his treacherousness (again, referring more to his actions as the shell millionaire than his escapade in drag), while osgood appears unbothered by daphne’s truth, leading to an ambiguous ending for the futures of the characters, and any realizations that might come later.

no, it’s not the “real transgender experience.” it (thankfully) never claims to be. BUT, being trans myself, there were some moments that made me feel linked to our protagonists, and relatively few, if any, that made me feel alienated. all in all, that’s a lot more than i hoped for going in, so that’s what i’m happy with.

watch some like it hot, y’all. it’s a good movie in a timeless way, and, as modern movies appealing to short-lived trends that will feel outdated next week (if not by the very time of their release) will show you, that’s more than it needed to be. 

*since my original draft of this post, i DID watch blonde, and i don’t know if that’s technically fair game for this blog (not exactly a movie) or what, but 6/10. fairly well done piece of art but just BEATINGLY tragic, so proceed with caution. jensen ackles literally is THAT PRETTY though, so the jackles cut i give a strong 11/10. i am a homosexual.   **i would like to clarify that this isn’t me telling you not to watch freaky. yes, some of the dialogue is tragically riverdaleian, but there’s also a scene where vince vaugn makes out with a teenage boy. so,

[the-queer-look]

Queer Limelight

Name: Anton Age: 59 Location: Redfern Occupation: News Presenter Sexual Orientation: Gay Gender: Male

I’ve been a news presenter for the past twenty five years, and I’ve spend just over twenty two with SBS, in the presenters chair since 1999. I identify as a gay man. Of all the labels you could apply to yourself in life that would be the one that most defines who I am. I would describe myself as being quite conventional in the way I present in terms of gender, and fashion forwardness. I don’t think I’m particularly adventurous when it comes to fashion, I like to look smart and presentable, but because there is a public version of me and a private version of me, I tend to keep the two fairly seperate. For professional events, appearances, and broadcasts there is a very specific way that I am required to dress, and it’s quite constrained. When I’m not in that mode, just walking the dog, hanging out with my partner, or doing sports it’s much more dressed down than even just meeting someone like I’m meeting you today where I would want to be along that line of smart and comfortable. In terms of presenting gender wise I present as very male. I come from a generation of gay men where there was a very strong divide between flamboyant men, and masculine men, and no one wanted to be the flamboyant man who was easily identified as gay – It was a time when you wouldn’t want to be easily recognised as gay, luckily times have changed, but I still feel that that sense of who I am is leaning to that masculine side. Given I’m not a particularly masculine personality, the way I present is definitely leaning in that direction.

A lot of people say that it (realising your sexuality) happened very young for them. High school for me was the turning point where I realised that there was an attraction that I felt. The way that my guy friends were getting crushes on girls, I was getting crushes on boys. Initially you just think “oh thats just a phase I’m going through, don’t worry about it.” but by the time I reached high school I realised that’s a feeling that isn’t going away and that it felt very natural. It’s a fairly agonising time, realising that that’s part of who you are, and not just something that you’re going through and will grow out of.

I am more assertive as a gay man, There is a burden that is lifted from you when you come out, and thirty five years ago it was a very different process coming out compared to what it is today. It manifests in smaller things like… would a man wear a scarf? There was a time when I wouldn’t do that because it felt too flamboyant, too obvious. Now though I feel much more comfortable, I’ll wear statement pieces, I wear an ear stud on camera – there was a time that would have been completely unacceptable for being too gay. Today? No one gives a stuff, News presenter is wearing an ear stud? So what? I’ve had it in since 1982, it’s not a new thing, but I can now feel comfortable having it in and presenting a part of my personality. I used to have to take it out and replace it with one of those blank studs for the news, its so much easier now!

I’m originally from South Africa, which was a fairly repressive society, and there was a lot of pressure to conform. I was outed by a newspaper reporter who just ambushed me saying “I just found out this information, would you like to comment on this story? I’m going to publish it anyway.” I was outed and not sure where it would leave my television career, but it was also like a liberation, I didn’t have to hide anymore. From there I became active in sports administration, gay and lesbian sport specifically. That was a big validation for me, it was like finding a home to be where I felt comfortable. We were actually campaigning for change, acceptance, and awareness. We had media campaigns going, local and international sports events going and that was a big turning point for me in terms of feeling comfortable as a gay man.

It was both empowering but at the same time those were the early nineties. It was a time of great transition for all of South Africa. Apartheid was being broken down, all of that negotiation was going on and it felt like the gay community… we weren’t the main game, but there was an opportunity for the community to say “hey, don’t forget about us, there are all these major political reforms, new constitution and everything, and we are a part of the deal.” It was quite empowering – I wasn’t a part of the process, that was for all of the advocates, lawyers, campaigners, and activists, who were doing all of the negotiating, but it was quite exciting to be a part of something new – to go from a system of great repression to a model constitution that was a world leading document that included a bill of rights that specifically included no discrimination on the basis of age, gender, sexual orientation, ableism and so on. It felt like being a part of history.

It was interesting to come to Australia from that, a whole different environment that was completely unknown. I came into a media market where I had zero experience and just lucked out at finding any employment. In about 2002 there was a thing in “The Good Weekend” called “Just The Two Of Us.” where they just interview two people about their relationship. They called me up and asked me to take part and I didn’t think for one second whether I should consider the implications, or consult my employer, and it was like a second coming out, just here in Australia. I outed myself as a gay man to a national publication. Luckily I work for quite a progressive network where that sort of thing has never been an issue.

I’m quite positive about the term “Queer”, I’m very much in the camp that says “That’s out word to use in whatever positive and constructive way that we want”. There was obviously a time in my life when that was used as an insult, and you couldn’t speak back against that because that was just the way society was set up in those days. There was the “establishment” the state, the church, community leaders, psychologists, everyone was on one side, and you were the exception, the outsider, the rule breaker, the disruptor, and the establishment could use all of these weapons to beat you down and try to make you conform, and that was one of the words that they used in those days to try and force you to be something you were not. I celebrate the fact that nowadays we can take a word like that and say this is our word, this word is for us and we have the right to shape how it is used.

I thin it’s very important to keep some pressure on all media to keep everyone honest. We all have a place in all of those platforms, and you need to keep reminding them that cant have an all white newsroom, and all white presenting team, and all heterosexual presenting team, or an all non-indigenous group. We need that diversity, and we need to keep reminding people when they fall down on the job. There are organisations like Media Diversity run by Antoinette Lattouf from Chanel Ten, and it’s really important to have organisations like that to support people trying to get opportunities in the media, whatever little support and advocacy you can get as a minority is always welcome and needed.

I always try in whatever small way I can to support organisations, individuals, campaigns that try to present a positive image of the larger gay and lesbian community. I’m not sure if that counts as being completely engaged in the queer community, I’m not an activist or advocate, but I try to support the community whenever I can.I feel absolutely connected with gay and lesbian people in the wider community. It is very much a part of who I am and how I see myself. I’m proud to be a part of that community, it isn’t something that was thrust upon me, it’s something I embrace. You don’t want to be pigeonholed as the “something” person within the media landscape – I don’t want to be labelled as the gay news presenter, or the brown skinned, or the migrant. We are many things in many situations, but my connection to the gay community is a key part of who I am.

I think that, like it or not, those of us that have a public profile have a sense of having to be better just to be good enough. You cant be just another person. There aren’t enough queer people in the media in order to just disappear and not make an impression and not make a positive impression on the airwaves. I don’t regard myself as a role model, but whatever positive presence I can present I can, and if I’m here then there’s room for other people like me to be here as well, and if that’s the only message that I can put out there then I’m happy with that.

We’ve come such a long way, but I would like to reach a point where it becomes more ordinary. We shouldn’t just be noticed when it’s Mardi Gras, or have someone be noted as our first gay something or other. I don’t want my gayness to be the main thing that people define me by. I want to reach a point where a person’s gender or sexuality is present, but unremarkable.

Full gallery on Facebook.com/thequeerlook

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Please contact us if you would like to be involved

[ask-jumblr]

Goy Asks For Help Un-Fucking a Video Game

The game in question is “Crusader Kings 2: After the End,” which takes place in a post-apocalyptic North America which has regressed to a medieval state due to a deliberately-unspecified global disaster some six centuries ago.

Its an overhaul mod, with “Crusader Kings 2″ being the base game which takes place in the actual middle ages, but I’m only concerning myself with “After The End.” For clarity’s sake, I’ll be referring to the base game, which I will not be concerning myself with altering, as “CK2,″ and I will refer to the mod, which I am altering, as “AtE.”

So CK2 has a lot of baked in Cultural Christianity, much of which is carried over to AtE. I am creating a Submod, and as part of that I want to get AtE’s depiction of Judaism to be less, you know, christian. I want to carve out the ingrained antisemitism so that neither I, nor any Jewish players of the game, will have to look at it anymore.

I’ll be cutting this post up into several parts, each one dedicated to what I, as a gentile, think is probably an issue with the way the game portrays Judaism and my best idea of how to fix it. I’m posting this here with the hope of being corrected about everything I’m definitely getting wrong, and help figuring out how to go about actually fixing things.

Mod of @ask-jumblr briefly interjecting: (1) Putting the rest below the cut so this doesn’t clog dashes, and (2) submission is from @frustratedasatruar because tumblr doesn’t credit submissions once they’re posted.

Part 1: Orthodox, Reform, and… Meshichist?

So the way CK2 handles religion is cut up into a few tiers. The largest categories are the so-called Religious Groups, such as “Christian” or “American-Native” or “Muslim.” Judaism comprises one of these groups.

Then there’s the Heresy mechanic, which exists with the intent to model Catholicism’s whole snake-eating-its-own-tail thing with them, especially back in the middle ages. The way the mechanic works is that you’ve got one Religion that is considered the “main” religion with several others associated with it which vie for control. If things are shaky for the main religion, members of that faith may be prompted to join one of the Heretical movements.

I actually think the way AtE applies this mechanic to Judaism is fairly representative in practice. “Orthodox” is granted the position of main religion, with Reform relegated as a Heresy. But! Both Orthodox communities and Reform communities are scattered across the map at the start of the game. Further, Orthodoxy’s position at game-start is very fragile, so a Reform player can fairly simply supplant them as the dominant branch without even needing a military confrontation with any Orthodox factions.

This combination of factors creates a situation where Jewish communities within the game can ebb and flow between the different sects over time, which wouldn’t be possible if the two religions weren’t tied together with the Heresy mechanic.

One problem though, at least as far as I can see; there’s a third sect in the mix. Again, I’m a gentile, so correct me if I’m wrong, but its really weird for the Meshichists (explicitly the people who believe this man to be the Moshiach) to be depicted as a major faction within Judaism, literally on par with Orthodox and Reform, right?

As far as I, as a gentile, can tell from my research on this subject, the Meshichists are a subset of Chabad, which is itself a subset of Hasidic Judaism, which is a subset of Haredi Judaism, which has a complicated relationship with Orthodox Judaism.

So, assuming I’m not out of place in my assessment that the Meshichists are the odd man out, my question is if I should simply remove them from the game, leaving in-game Judaism to Orthodox and Reform. Or if I should replace them with a different third faction, and if so whom? I understand that Conservative Judaism is another major faction, but I know absolutely nothing about them, including how I would distinguish them from Orthodox.

Help, please.

Part 2: Zealous/Cynical

So CK2, as mentioned, has a lot of structural Cultural Christianity.

Individual characters in the games, that is to say Rulers or associated courtiers, have a list of traits, each one modifying their aptitudes and how the AI will direct them. Things like “Gluttonous,” “Charitable,” “Craven,” “Shrewd,” and so on. There’re hundreds of them.

Some of these traits are set as opposites of one another, which means that if a character has one the game won’t allow them to have the other. You cannot be both “Just” and “Arbitrary,” that sort of thing.

Further, one trait can have more than one opposite. “Slow,” “Quick,” and “Genius,” are all inter-incompatible, for example.

Which brings me to the Zealous and Cynical traits.

Their descriptions are thus:

Zealous: This character burns with religious fervor and cannot tolerate heretics, infidels, or heathens.

Cynical: This character is a cynical unbeliever, disliked by the clergy but good at intrigue.

I’ll shy away from describing their exact in-game modifiers and just leave it that Zealous is considered an overall very desirable trait, while Cynical is undesirable unless you’re playing a spymaster. Zeal makes you more popular with priests of your religion, while cynicism makes you commensurately less popular with the same.

Furthermore, unlike Cynical, being Zealous also precludes you from having any of the “Sympathy for [Insert Other Religion Group]” traits.

Now as I understand it, Judaism rather encourages questioning everything, which feels like a third pole on that little alignment graph. I’m essentially asking if I should try and create a “Pious Skepticism” trait to represent Jewish characters who don’t mindlessly-accept-writ-dogma-and-hate-unbelievers but also aren’t unbelievers themselves, while at the same time arguing with and about established scripture.

This hypothetical “Pious Skepticism” trait, name subject to change, would also allow for characters to be both on good terms with religious authorities and still have access to the Sympathy traits.

I feel like the current system of Zealous/Default/Cynical probably doesn’t represent the Jewish experience, but as a gentile I obviously need advisement to be sure.

TLDR: I feel like CK2 lacks a way to represent the whole arguing-about-everything thing that, at least from what I’ve read following Jewish blogs, is considered so important to your community. Then as an addendum on that point, is my proposed solution of making a new trait to represent it, and slotting it into the zealous/cynical dynamic.

Part 3: Depicting Antisemitism in the Game

CK2 has a limited system for dynamically depicting sexism. For what I feel pretty safe to assume are reasons regarding processing power, the degree of sexism within your in-game territory is boiled down to the “Status of Women” modifier in your nation’s lawcode, with five options.

“Traditional: Women are prohibited from holding all [government] positions. Some government types will be restricted to Agnatic inheritance law.”

“Marginal: Women are allowed to hold some power, occupying background positions behind the people in charge.”

“Significant: Women have been granted official power and are allowed to hold public offices.”

“Notable: Restrictions on female power have been officially repealed. All career paths are open for prominent women.”

“Full: Powerful legislation removing old restrictions has finally had the effect of affecting the general opinion on women in positions of power across society.”

These laws are pegged to different benchmarks in the game’s technological progression system, which has the effect of spacing out the reforms over the coarse of your game.

As you try and move women’s rights forward, powerful men in your nation will fight you tooth and nail to prevent that from happening.

As things stand in the game, antisemitism is represented as identical to every other form of xenophobia. Which obviously downplays the the shear length and breadth of impact antisemitism has on society.

Essentially, my notion to represent the special form of bigotry that is antisemitism is to apply a similar system to the one already applied to sexism.

In the sexism system, your nation is quantifiably better off for every step further you advance down the road to equality. The only real reason not to pursue equality is the hope of placating powerful special interests within your state who want a larger slice of the pie for themselves or have other ideological motivations, at the expense of weakening your nation as a whole.

Which I think would be a pretty good angle for representing antisemitism. I’m not advocating for a 1=1 switchover from the sexism system, of course, indeed one of the things I’d want help with is determine what the five stages would be in a similar antisemitism system.

Anyway, for all that this system is really incapable of handling the magnitudes of sexism or antisemitism, its something I can implement without crashing the game and, I think, a significant improvement over the current situation.

But before I started into the in-depth process of trying to code this, I wanted to seek out some Jewish voices to run my thoughts by first.

Part 4: Ethnoreligion

CK2 has a very christian perspective on the relationship between culture and religion, to the extent that I as a pagan am repeatedly jarred by it. And I’ve learned that Judaism’s view of the subject is even less like that of the christians. Making it, I presume, a bigger problem with the game.

So in the game culture and religion are considered completely distinct from each other, the conversion of one not having any effect on the state of the other. The only direct connection of any kind that I know of honestly just makes the problem worse: if you find yourself in control of a county which is both a different religion and culture from your own, you must actively convert the religion before it will be possible for culture to passively convert.

Which can result in situations which, given my knowledge that Judaism is specifically an ethnoreligion, are very strange. Like Anabaptist Yiddish counties.

Or the way any prospective Jewish rulers, if they want to ensure a firmer political position in a majority-gentile kingdom (if they manage to establish such a thing), demographic shift is fastest achieved not by, say, some mechanism to attract Jewish immigrants from neighboring countries, but by relentlessly proselytizing until the goyim convert, and only then the process of cultural shift may start.

Can you tell that this system was designed for the catholics.

I’m not really sure what exactly I could do to fix this, but I believe I can:

Disable the proselytizing mechanic for Jewish characters. I’d need to replace it with a “dispatch debate team,” or something, mechanic so that Jewish players won’t be left helpless in the face of grassroots Heretic movements.

Code a new system for gentile-counties-with-Jewish-rulers to passively convert culture and religion at the same time, but at a slower pace. And maybe, if I’m feeling ambitious overconfident, some mechanic by which you can try to inspire immigration by Jewish populations, potentially causing a brain-drain in nearby Kingdoms if you invest enough into it.

Create an opposite system, so that if a county of both Jewish religion and culture is converted to a different religion group, the county’s culture will autoswitch to an off-brand version of itself. If I’m feeling cheeky, I’ll call the off-brand culture “Goyim” or something.

I think that these three things in conjunction with each other would adequately solve the problem.

But, you know, I don’t know, because I’m not Jewish.

Part 5: Education

The game’s current system has it that as a monarch you can offer your vassals to have their children educated in your court, which usually results in them adopting your culture and religion if they haven’t already.

I feel like Jewish rulers would be less blaze about that than everyone else. Because, you know, experience. I want to set things so that Jewish rulers will either auto-decline those offers or maybe set it so Jewish characters are ineligible for the events that cause culture/religious conversion during childhood. I don’t really need a perfect solution, I just want to stop the phenomena of the idiot AI selling out to the big homogenizing power every single time.

Unless I shouldn’t do that, and I should leave things as is for whatever reason, or do some completely third thing.

Part 6: Logo

So in CK2, religions have their own individual logos so you can tell at a glance what religion a character is affiliated with. Heresies of the same main religion share a logo between each other, which will be a red version of the main religion’s logo.

Should a Heresy grow powerful enough to usurp the main religion’s position, the former-Heresy will get the full color version and the former-main-religion will get the red version.

Long story short, Judaism is represented by a Menorah. Because I learned that gentiles massively over inflate how important Hanuka actually is, I was wondering if that was a good pick, or if it should be replaced with the Star of David, or some other third thing.

Part 7: Terminology

This one is essentially Part 6: Part 2. The game has a shorthand way of copy-pasting in default terms from the different religions, so that a generic piece of in-game text can vaguely refer back to the character’s religion without needing to be rewritten for each religion.

For reference, here’s what that looks like for the christians:

Scripture Name = The Bible Priest Title = Priest High God Name = God God Names = God, The Lord, Jesus, The Blessed Virgin Evil God Names = Satan, Lucifer, The Devil

So in-game text in various places will be coded to say something like “We found a secret chest of gold, praise [Insert=god_name]!” and the game will insert something from the appropriate category at random.

You’ve probably guessed where I’m going with this: as a gentile, I want to double check that the terminology assigned to Judaism is actually appropriate.

However, as the game’s name lists for the three “god” categories drops several names I don’t recognize, and I know that Judaism is against copying certain things in this regard down, to be safe I’m not going to post the specific list unless asked. Instead, I’m just going to ask how those three categories should be filled out.

What I assume to be safer to directly repeat is that the priest title for Judaism is entered as “Rabbi,” and the scripture name is listed as “The Torah.” At least as a gentile, the only question that leaps out to me between the two of those is if “The Torah” might be better switched to “The Tanakh.”

End:

Thank you all in advance for your patience and assistance! I will of course answer any questions.

My thanks to @queerdo-mcjewface, @terulakimban, @miriams-well-of-jewish-thoughts, and @hermione-walked-out-of-a-yeshiva for helping me already when I couldn’t figure out how to submit this Ask.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

The opposite of your last post for the ask meme! Like 1, 5, 9..

thank you lol sorry it took me a minute to get to posting these answers......i also skipped a couple that got asked previously via answering all primes lol

1: What inspires you?

hm well just basic stuff like “being in a good mood” lol or “being hyped up by friends” or “having reason to be particularly excited about something” which is all like, factors that Contribute Energy......learning about stuff / trying something and discovering like oh i’m Into this thing, or that for whatever reason something turns out to be more within reach / doable than i might’ve thought, like, hey i wanna get on this maybe.......~creatively~ it’s great to like, see other ppl’s art, and while i’ve sure been Inspired by professional artists, overall i’m more like, influenced and motivated by seeing the styles / specific works of Online Randos like me.......i also Draw to create [self-indulgent (usually fairly) niche fanart which is also probably gay and is all the time of characters i like] so like, the Stuff I Wanna Make Fanart Of (which has Whatever characters i specifically would like to draw lol) is sure directly Inspiring in that way. i’d say i never had that experience of like, ppl being kids and seeing some [distributed work in a certain art medium] like oh i want to make my own [distributed work in a certain art medium] as in like, i wanna publish a book, i wanna make movies, etc, but i guess i Did b/c i was like elementary school age in the early-to-mid 00s and experienced some instances of online fanart like :o :o wow damn ppl can do that?? just be a rando drawing fanart and sharing it w/ other people online???? and today i am living that dream, so good for me lol. and also i’d like to shoutout marge simpson anime, which is a particular piece of Online Art (technically fanart even lol) which was like, unusually Motivating as a single work of art lol, i made a notes app fanart like immediately and then a way more “painterly” piece of fanart that was v directly inspired by it lol.......and i was sure Drawing It Up last last winter when bmc 3.0 was impending / happening, b/c i got into like Just in the dec before, so that was Fresh, and then bam the Content is happening concurrently and as soon as we even just learned that jeremy has glasses i immediately spent like honestly 25 consecutive hours making fanart for that exact Inspiration. we didn’t even know abt the hello kitty shoes yet!!! and naturally im not out here for stats or clout but it is Inspiring when ppl enjoy the stuff i make and let me know one way or another. [tag comments that express enthusiasm in any way.....Appreciated]

9: Do you trust people easily, or do people have to earn your trust?

i have to say i am wary! that’s in part just like, a default anxiety defensive mode lol. but it takes me a hot minute (aka weeks....or months.....) to realize when someone like, would like to be friends or something, so while i can be Friendly and Outgoing w/ people like, immediately, i’m not picking up relationships left and right that are close enough that i’d particularly talk about “trust” or whatever. i’m not necessarily Distrustful either lol, it’s more just like, again re: the constant wariness thing. it is not unlike a cat lmao i vibe with them lol i Get that [approach]....and there’s been times i’ve been like “hmm i sure do Not vibe with this person ever and am not comfortable around them / interacting with them to any extent beyond occasional casual interactions that i don’t super enjoy. that’s me being overly anxious and failing to be personable i guess!!” and then that person Does give that reason down the line like oh, actually, that eternal uneasiness was warranted :/ damb

21: How does someone become friends with you?

yknow i was like “didn’t i Also answer this one previously” but it turned out the question i was thinking of, which i Had answered, was “how does someone become important to you” lmao.....same diff

tbh it’s kind of an arduous process lmao like. first of all i am Bad about initiating shit, and a lot of times will like, be wary of Directly Interacting with people for a while b/c i am also Bad At not being too passive / unwilling to assert anything so like, if someone’s regularly interacting with me but i’m not into it / Eventually Realize i’m not into it, it’s that thing again where my main strat is [v gradually sidle away] lol and just find it difficult to extricate myself from interactions / relationships and so that plays into me really feeling like i have to have some real confidence that i’d get on with / vibe with someone Before i start significantly interacting with / getting involved with them which....is also difficult natch lol like. can’t rly get a great feel for what someone’s like w/o talking to them.......but then if i Distance myself at all at any point will that be taken as rejection or whatever.......and then anyways say i Am talking to someone, then it’s like, also i’m just not fantastic at casual conversation always and that stage where you don’t know someone too well and talking is mostly a Polite Ritual and it’s like oh god don’t mess up, respond Normally lmaoo......i am nervous. and i also have a tendency to just naturally try to make an interaction go smoothly than immediately prioritize / feel comfortable busting out My Personality lmao.....so then even if ppl are responding well enough it’s like ah jeez i know we’re all performing always but have i shown them What I’m Actually Like to any significant degree, am i just masking it up / mirroring the crap out of how they talk?? and also it then takes me quite a while to put together “if someone keeps talking to you / choosing to interact with you for like, weeks, it probably means they want to / are interested in doing so” lol.........and then i’ll take ages more of trying to consciously Be More Myself without *also* feeling like this is too much of an act lol, and gradually picking up like oh they’re still not like, annoyed or disinterested or something..............what i am trying to say is it sure takes a minute lol

also when i Am attempting sometimes to like [initiate interaction] with people my version of being Active is still not all that active lmao i will be like [occasional Like] or [even more occasional reply] or [tag comments or no comments coz it’s twitter and im rt-ing stuff] and it’s like oh wow if we’re not having more regular interaction i suppose i’ve failed or something?? does this mean anything further lol, did i do anything.....but welp gotta have that perspective that Not Necessarily lol and i’m not the only person in the world who might not make friends or even friendly acquaintances easily / at the drop of a hat and u can’t necessarily read way into shit that hasn’t Actually been communicated to you.......naturally though it is easier to have some ~perspective~ and Serenity about all this sort of thing when you do already have some Friends lmao........been feeling (and consciously nudging myself towards feeling) More Chill about say like, friendly acquaintances i have who aren’t raring to interact with me on the reg.......ppl i’ll go months or half a year or more between having a convo with and then we’ll be like trading dm’s for a couple days and then it’s back to not really talking, and that Is What It Is, not necessarily a tragedy, and really it feels “rude” to acknowledge to myself like oh i’m not sure that me and whomever even Vibe well enough that *i’d* be raring to talk all the time either, but hey, it’s also true, i don’t have to be Validated by ppl who know me having me in their friend circles in any significant way......i be out here on the peripheral / outer orbits and i can appreciate that for what it is, even if, again, easier to be more Cool with that when i’m not Only in ppl’s periphery...........i appreciate the pal i have who like, 99% of how we Communicate is occasionally sending each other pics of our cats, not very intimate but also back when i was offline for months on end they eventually went out of their way to find someone to get in touch with to verify i hadn’t like died or anything lol........i appreciate the Gestures of Caring that ppl have and do extend, even if we do not actually talk regularly. 

and like also i’m bad at like. idk the main way i talk is again, At Some Length and often about real specific shit lol so im like woop aware that many ppl are not into that, or they might be down for having an exchange like that for a day and then they’re done.........not at all like wholly Against more lol Conversational conversations but i gotta say that’s more of a struggle lmao..........so let’s say befriending me takes some Patience. i kinda operate on [cat] rules. jellicle

25: How do you stop yourself from going back to toxic people?

i absolutely am Refraining from launching off on a ted talk of a tangent that is also me being the [the guy about to throw down a card on the pile on the table and that card pile is like “any conversation” and the guy is labeled “me” and the One Card about to be played is labeled “it’s capitalism” or smthing like that and also it’s all in spanish].jpg.......

anyways idk just try to keep things in perspective, right......i generally am pretty Passive about gradually sidling away from relationships that are bad and so by the time i Have exited them it’s pretty overdue lmao and i get to be quite confident that it was The Right Thing........and just when looking back on stuff it’s like, well if you remember the Good or “Not That Bad(tm)” parts maybe consciously think about the whole of it And specifically the Bad parts / the reasons for peacing out.......also the other day i was mulling over some standard [conflicted / complicated feelings about having cut certain ppl out entirely] and it also occurred to me that a lot of the [conflicted] feeling part came from sympathy for them, whereas from the perspective of Entirely My Own Feelings On The Matter minus that “how do/would they feel about it” consideration, the thought of never interacting w/ these ppl is like. fine with me lol........stuff like this is always Complicated and Individual and there’s certainly no like, one-stop simple Guide To Navigating All This Kind Of Thing, Cmon It’s Easy........another consideration i saw the other day via a graphic on twitter, which is probably most relevant re: say, controlling / abusive Partners, was how like, to think about how someone is acting if they’re saying you should Take Them Back b/c they’ve Changed their behavior, but to pay attention to if they’re trying to guilt you into it / justifying or downplaying their previous behavior / shifting blame and otherwise manifesting the inherently harmful and controlling patterns that are supposed to be gone now........anyways yeah complicated stuff and also just p.s. (and what would’ve been the jumping off point for the It’s-Capitalism tangential essay lol) ppl shouldn’t be blamed if they do choose to let someone back in their life like oh now they’re responsible for bringing their mistreatment upon themself.....no better than blaming someone for, say, having a harmful / controlling romantic partner in the first place like oh well they should’ve known better than to have gotten involved with this person..........ppl are in control of their own abusive behavior and shouldn’t be considered Forces Of Nature no matter how intransigent they are

33: Do you have someone you know you can always rely on?

tbt question 9 lol there’s defo some people that i do trust! love it....

45: Do you consider yourself creative?

another #tbt to question 1 lol.......i mean Yes i am creative in ways but like, who Isn’t, really.......think sometimes “creativity” means “do you like, do Art things” which, yes i do, but then within that there’s art that’s deemed more ~creative~ or w/e......not to mention that i don’t think something has to be definitively labeled an Art to be creative. like, for example, Science and Art aren’t opposites / the antithesis of each other, and anytime defines ~science~ as like, people just memorizing and outputting Facts and Numbers and considers this a distinction from Being An Artist.....wild and i Will fight you lmao. i tell you i can v much remember times i have had to completely disengage to keep from losing my cool at people arguing about “why i respect science but could only be an artist :’|” or “why Art is actually harder than Science and also we’re the underdogs b/c society values science so much more :’|” like.....mf...........anyways scientific pursuits may certainly have a different Methodology (see: scientific method) than art but lbr it still requires creativity and science and art are friends you fucking fools................and then also just zooming in on the Art-Making business here, i also like, have never had any interest in coming up with Original stories / characters and the like, and i don’t enjoy trying and it just really is not my thing, and it’s Funny or something when people wanna say that creative fanworks have value b/c they let ppl cut their teeth for what really matters, inevitably making their own original content(tm)......that isn’t inevitable for me lol and certainly is nothing i aim to do ever, and when there’s the suggestion that if you’re Good enough at ur medium you gotta manifest some of that original the character do not steal shit.........anyways i’m not pressed to claim i am an Artist(tm) or Creative(tm) lol like i guess technically i am both but i have no professional aspirations and my brain does not Do [generate original content] so it’s all like, i’m just out here.........s/o to this time i was trying to do my fuckin thing drawing on a tablet in a cafe and some random annoying guy is trying to talk and i happen to mention like “lol i don’t exactly call myself an artist really” and Guy goes “OH REALLY??? WHAT’S WRONG WITH ARTISTS? WHAT’S YOUR ISSUE WITH ART” like please cool it lmao but god p sure it was a guy who was just. very Around and very annoying in general

49: Do you feel like you’re a good person?

yeah i think i’m alright but really what is the use in like considering there 2 be achievable Good or Bad Person Statuses for everyone........let’s say it’s an ongoing, active state to be in the process of consciously choosing to be Good and working towards Better. especially considering that We Live In A Society which tries to teach everyone and continuously imbues our existence with Bad Messages about how to perceive and engage with other people, and being A Good Person is a lifelong effort and it’s unhelpful to feel that if you’re already Good or well-intentioned enough you can just dust off your hands and be like “well my work here is done” and be unprepared to examine your beliefs/actions or deal with the might-as-well-assume-it’s-an-inevitability that even if u have some noble-ass beliefs you’ll fail to live up to them at some point/s.......so like yeah lol again i feel like i am a pretty good person but can always be better and ought to be aware of / willing to work on that at any point

[greyias]

FIC: Smoke and Mirrors - Chapter 6

Title: Smoke and Mirrors Fandom: SWTOR Pairing: Theron Shan/f!Jedi Knight Rating: T Genre: Pre-Relationship, Slow Burn Synopsis: Something’s rotten on Carrick Station, and Theron won’t rest until he finds out what. But picking at the frayed threads of suspicion quickly unravels a conspiracy much larger than even the Republic’s top spy can handle on his own. (A mostly canon-compliant retelling of the Forged Alliances storyline, as seen through the eyes of Theron Shan.) Author’s Notes and Spoilers: See Chapter 1.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Crossposted to AO3

“You zigged when you should have zagged.”

“Excuse me?”

“Unless you’re wanting to take a stroll through the Tomb of Naga Sadow, you may want to backtrack a little.”

There was a snort of frustration picked up over the mic, but the dot on the fuzzy projection of Korriban halted its progress, and after a few moments, started to retrace its steps.

“I’m glad you have a map,” Highwind said, but he couldn’t tell if the slight trace of irritation in her tone was directed at him or herself. It didn’t really matter in the long run, just as long as she stayed on track.

“At least someone does.” Kira’s dark mutterings were probably meant to be under her breath, but the overtuned mic still picked them up. “With all the rubble it’s easy to get turned around here.”

“The first wave may have been a bit… overzealous,” her partner agreed.

Theron thought about pointing out that the first wave of the operation had been completely for her benefit, but bit down on his tongue before the comment formed completely. He needed to keep her focused on the task at hand, and that was easier if she didn’t get irritated with him chiding her over the comm. Half a galaxy away, it wasn’t as if he could march up to her and physically set her back in the right direction, and the incident with the slave pens had already strained Darok’s patience dangerously thin. The taller man was still stalking back and forth, and in between coordinating the rest of the teams on the ground and in the air, was flashing both Theron and his holographic map a thoroughly displeased glare.

“So, does Mapboy have any other helpful tips? Maybe a nice food stall to pick up a quick bite before we go face down the most dangerous Sith in the Galaxy?”

“Kira.” Highwind’s recrimination sounded almost like an exasperated older sibling who was tired of lecturing her younger sister, but still did it anyway out of habit.

“Mapboy?” Theron echoed. “Is that all I am?”

“You are more than a map, Theron,” Highland was quick to reassure him, almost as if she didn’t pick up his undercurrent of sarcasm.

“Yeah, you’re a voice in her ear too.”

“Kira.”

“What? I’m only getting half of this conversation, I have to amuse myself somehow.”

“Perhaps you should remain focused on the mission.”

There was a quiet series of beeps and trills barely picked up by the microphone.

“See. Teeseven agrees with me.”

“I am fairly certain he was confirming we were heading in the right direction.”

“You are,” Theron piped in, “just take a right and it should be straight ahead.”

“A… right? Are you certain?”

“Yes. Why?”

The hum of a lightsaber being activated nearly drowned out Kira’s exclamation of: “Exactly when did the K’lor’slug population explode into an infestation?”

“Thank you for the directions, Theron.” Another hiss of lightsabers sizzled over the comm. “But I’m afraid I need to cut our conversation short.”

“You’re so polite. Go take care of your bug problem.”

“There’s always time for diplomacy. Now if you’ll excuse me.”

His eyebrow arched of its own accord, and he couldn’t help but wonder if he had just been on the receiving end of a very, very subtle dig. He shook his head, trying to ignore his rising curiosity about his asset and focus back on the job at hand. Once the package was secured and safely in SIS’s hands and the mission complete, his role as her handler would be done. Unless Jace decided to inelegantly smash through Dromund Kass (and Theron wasn’t sure he could put it past the Supreme Commander completely), there wasn’t going to be much need for him to make smalltalk with the heaviest hitter in the galaxy for the foreseeable future. She was a bit too… flashy for the shadows that Theron preferred to lurk in.

The apparent “horde” of K’lor’slugs seemed to not be that much of a match for the two Jedi and their little astromech, but the sounds of lightsabers crashing and blaster fire continued over his audio feed. The closer they got to the Academy, the heavier the opposition it seemed. The deep furrow in Darok’s brow seemed to ease the closer Theron’s team got to their objective, but there was a larger issue at hand. His map got even sketchier once they reached the interior of the Academy, and unless he was able to get eyes in there, the strike team would be wandering around blind.

His fingers flew across the keys, mind already processing a workaround. If that little T7 unit was as good at slicing as his file seemed to indicate, there might be an opportunity for Theron to get some eyes inside — as well as extract a little something extra for his old pals in the Analytics division to sink their teeth into. Those data nerds would just love the chance to pick apart every piece of the Academy that they could. He just needed to make a few programming adjustments to prep the communication relays for the data stream. He listened with half an ear, keeping one eye on his programming and the other on the dot representing the strike team’s progress towards the Academy.

The cacophony of the seemingly endless series of encounters faded, and the sudden silence was a bit eerie. The mic picked up the sound of footfalls echoing through what was a large cavernous room. From the position of the dot on his holomap, apparently they had finally arrived at the entrance to the Academy. Jace and the Highwind Fanclub Division of the SIS had been right about one thing — this woman seemed to be able to fight as if she was an entire army.

“Going to be a lot more close quarters combat in here.” The mic picked up Kira’s soft mutterings. “Even before those bombings this place was always a death trap.”

“It will be okay, we just have to stick together,” the older Jedi assured her. “Do you know which way we should head?”

Theron was about to pipe in about his need for an access point, when the voice on the other end of the line cut him off. “Not really. Things look different at this height.”

Theron frowned, wondering what the hell that meant, but the conversation on the other end continued, oblivious to the third party listening in.

“I’m going to guess we follow the highest concentration of Sith standing between us and something else, and just go that way.”

“Do you think they were able to evacuate the students when the bombings began?”

“I don’t know,” there was some reluctance coloring the younger Jedi’s tone, “do you really think that’s a priority?”

“If this were Tython being attacked, the Masters’ first instinct would be to try and protect the initiates and padawans. The highest concentration of Jedi would be defending the students.”

“The Sith aren’t Jedi, and Korriban isn’t Tython.” There was an undercurrent of steely fury to Kira’s tone that was a bit of a surprise to hear her taking with her partner. “It has a way of corrupting people. Nothing good ever came from this place.”

“That’s not true.” Highwind’s reply was just as firm, but instead of fury it was laced with affection.

“Name one thing.”

“You.”

“I… Master…”

The rest of their conversation was drowned out by the sudden rushing in Theron’s ears, as he suddenly put the pieces of the conversation together, and had to physically bite down on his tongue to keep from cursing aloud. Of course the Jedi Order had recruited from within Korriban’s walls, they preached about forgiveness and redemption all the damn time. If they had been a bit more open about their personnel records, perhaps the SIS could have gleaned valuable intel from the converts, instead of having to scrap pieces together from everything else.

Had Theron known that a member of the strike team had first-hand knowledge, even outdated knowledge, it would have been something he could have leveraged. He snorted an angry breath, wondering what other key pieces of intel the close mouthed Jedi were keeping under wraps. 

He keyed his mic, probably a little more forcefully than necessary, and let out a long breath before speaking in the most even voice possible. “Looks like you’ve made it to the Academy.”

“We have.” There was a brief hesitation. “Is there a problem?”

“Yes,” he said, a little more terse than he cared for, “I don’t have eyes in there. You’ll be walking around blind.”

“That might be a problem. It’s rather large in here, how are we looking on time?”

Theron glanced at the chronometer and grimaced. “We’ll be cutting it close. Do you see anything that looks like a data or security terminal?”

There was the sound of shuffling, before her voice filled the line again. “Yes, I think we can make something work. Why?”

“If you lend me your astromech’s slicing skills for a few minutes, between the two of us we can probably slice into the mainframe. Piggyback the data off your comm signal and I should be able to get a layout of the whole place. Maybe a little more, depending.”

“You can do that?” She actually sounded impressed.

“You’d be be surprised what I can do with a few loose security protocols and enough free time.”

“See, I knew you were more than just a man with a map.” 

He didn’t know what to make of the light teasing tone, and instead focused on his fingers flying across the keyboard, finishing the final line of programming. “To be fair, I’m just getting a new map.”

“Is that all you’ll be doing with this uplink?”

Sharp one, that Jedi. “My primary concern is getting you to the Dark Council chambers. Any extra data I find on my way there, well, that’s just a side benefit.”

“I admire your dedication to your profession.”

Now that he couldn’t tell if it was meant as a jest or not. There was only so much subtext one could determine without facial cues, especially if the other party tended to be a little deadpan in their responses.

He was making some final adjustments to the relay when a message pinged from the far end. The HUD in his left eye implant superimposed a text read out of the message, and his lip curled ever so slightly into a smirk.

Modifications to Jedi comm unit = unauthorized use of Republic equipment // Violation of Regulation C1726 + Galactic Communication Act SR.7628

Theron’s fingers flew across the board as the tapped out a quick response. T7-01 I presume. You going to tattle on me?

The response was immediate and succinct. T7 = here to help // You = help?

That’s the plan. I’ve got a fun little surprise for the Academy’s security system if you can get me a connection.

T7 = slicing access point now //  Imperial security algorithm = predictable; layers deep // Sith Academy = closed network

Theron nodded absently, even though the little astromech couldn’t see. He’d expected that, but luckily his unauthorized modifications would be a temporary patch for that. With a few more keystrokes, his last minute programming was being sent half a galaxy away. 

Got a code packet incoming, might make that whole place a little more accommodating for digital visitors.

Code packet = virus // T7 = unfamiliar with program  // Safe for Republic network?

Code is brand new — but targets the closed system, two-way data transfer will be safe. Don’t worry, I’m not going to scramble the comm systems and leave you guys running around there blind.

Theron waited, but he didn’t see an affirmation via text whether the astromech had uploaded the spike into the access point. Not for the first time that day he wished that he was physically there. It was easier to just do things himself rather than trying to convince various personalities to follow his lead. Asking for forgiveness was generally easier than asking for permission — although he probably needed work on that whole apologizing part of that tactic. But usually his results negated much of the need for an apology.

His fingers remained poised over the keyboard, ready to send a ping on the status when a rush of data started flowing across every available port. A smirk threatened to form as the entire Sith Academy’s network was laid out before him. It was possible he was one of the first Republic agents to actually see all of this (and live long enough to tell the tale). 

Good job. Thanks, T7.

Theron = talented slicer // unorthodox; talented

Thanks. I think. I should have what I need now to get you guys the rest of the way. Just need to sort through it. 

Theron = need T7 here? 

No, you guys should stay together. As long as I’ve got a connection to the comm we should be good. 

It was easy to see why Highwind was so fond of the little astromech, willing to stay behind even in a place crawling with Sith that wouldn’t hesitate to hack him in two. Then again, this was the same droid that supposedly had helped take out the Sith Emperor with the Jedi in question. Teeseven might very well have been capable of taking them on.

Theron focused back on the task at hand. There was too much intel to completely sort through at the moment so he diverted the majority of it to a data silo that could be safely mined once completely disconnected from the Republic grid. For now he only needed the facility’s blueprints and way to access the security feeds, even if there was a part of him wanting to rub his hands together greedily at the possibilities of what he now had in hand. Whatever was locked behind the Dark Council’s doors was a far more valuable prize — but just because it wasn’t the motherlode didn’t mean valuable intel still couldn’t be gleaned from what he had just acquired.

There was only so much that the hijacked comm channel could handle though, so once he found what he was looking for, he stopped the upload so he didn’t overload his connection. No need to be greedy, they were already lightyears ahead of where they had been in terms of intel now as opposed to when the day started.

He flung the wireframe projection of the Academy’s layout on the holotable on top of the little dot representing Highwind’s strike team. It filled him with no small amount of glee as Darok’s eyes nearly doubled in size as he got his first look at the layout of the Sith stronghold. It was an unseen deviation in his plan, but as his initial shock faded to grim satisfaction it was apparent that it wasn’t an unwelcome one.

The glitchy visual feed from some of the still functioning security cameras Theron kept limited to the HUD for now. The last thing he needed was Darok breathing down his neck as the strike team tried to navigate what was clearly a crumbled mess. The state of destruction inside of the Academy was quite extensive, as bombings and their aftershocks had done a number on the place. He pivoted around the camera he had hijacked in the foyer, ignoring the way the twisted faces carved into the giant obelisk taking up the center of the room sent a shiver down his spine. Perhaps it wasn’t all bad being stuck on Carrick Station.

Deciding to cut out eavesdroppers, he activated the subvocal portion of his comlink implant. “So, is the Sith’s new decorating scheme courtesy of Darok’s overzealous bombings, or did you get in on the renovations as well?”

On his HUD he saw Highwind’s head head swivel around, taking in the room. Even with the distance of the camera he could see her frown. “You can see us?”

“Part of that ‘little more’ I mentioned earlier.” 

“The voice in your ear is being creepy, Boss.”

He saw Highwind shoot the younger knight a look, but didn’t respond to Kira verbally. “I hope this means you have a map.”

“Of sorts. From what I can see here, the Dark Council chambers are on the upper levels. There’s an elevator on the second floor that you’ll have to take to get there.”

“I am hearing some hesitation in that statement.”

Theron let out a sigh, minding to keep it quieter than he truly felt. Mostly so he didn’t have to involve Darok in this conversation.

“Apparently the access codes for the elevator aren’t stored on the Academy’s main network.”

“Main network?”

“Paranoid Sith. Apparently they’d rather have several closed networks rather than have everything all together. It’s almost like they expected to be invaded.”

“Fancy that,” Highwind remarked dryly.

“Teeseven and I might be able to slice the elevator manually if we work together, but that’s going to take a while.”

“That sounds like a big ‘might’,” she returned. “Is there time for you two to try that?”

Theron glanced at the countdown, pressing his lips together. “We can try, but there’s no guarantee we’ll crack it before your return window closes. Pretty sure that encryption is going to be pretty complicated. Have I mentioned the Sith are paranoid?”

“Is there any other way to get access to that elevator?”

“Are you talking about the elevator to the Dark Council chambers?” Kira piped in. “If it’s anything like it used to be, the high level instructors always had access codes. The Sith don’t change their game plan much if everything is working.”

“It’s worth a try. Theron, can you find them?”

“Hold on,” he muttered, cycling through the various security feeds of the destroyed rooms. 

Almost all of them were empty. Having never stepped foot in the building before, it was hard to say how occupied everything usually was, but it appeared that the younger students and acolytes might have been evacuated. That would probably make his very perplexing knight on the other end of the line somewhat happier. There were still Sith crawling through the hallways, clearly defending something at the far end. That something turned out to be another Sith, whose importance was marked by the fine robes and markings indicating their high status. A quick check on other hallways confirmed a few more individuals.

“Found them.” He frowned at the map, trying to calculate the best path to take the team through. “First one’s down that hall on your right — if you can get past all of their faithful guards first.”

“We will manage.”

That was starting to sound less and less like overconfidence and more a statement of fact. He sat back, monitoring their progress through the map and available security feeds. Her fighting style changed to accommodate the closed quarters, and the acrobatic flips and twirls incorporated the walls and rubble. The finer details of the lightsaber work was lost to the fuzzy, unstable connection, but even with that it still looked more like some frenetic dance.

By the time they had the codes in hand and stood in front of the elevator, it was clear that even the Jedi super endurance was getting a test today if the sheen of sweat he could make out on the security cameras were any indication.

“I don’t really have much on the upper-level defenses,” he said quietly, this time out loud as Darok’s impatience was starting to show again. “You can try to find an access point once you’re up there—but I’ve got a feeling you’re going to face some heavy opposition.”

“Will your modifications to the comm allow you to talk to me up there?”

He glanced at the weak signal stretched to the limits, and the heavy shielding indicated by the blueprint. When the Sith wanted to protect their communications, not even his best slicing tricks could get him in remotely. His experience infiltrating the Orbital Defense Command Center on Ziost proved that.

“It’s unlikely.”

This was the worst part of the op, the one thing that he couldn’t account for. Despite Darok’s planning, Theron’s intel, and his entire bag of slicer tricks, once she stepped through that door it was all out of his hands. He shifted his weight and crossed his arms, trying not to glare at the giant hole in the map that represented the Dark Council chambers. 

“It will be all right,” she said quietly, and it took him a moment to realize she was talking to him. “You have gotten us this far — the Force will take us the rest of the way.”

He almost snorted aloud, but caught himself at the last moment. Whatever beliefs or mental exercises she needed to lean on were fine, especially if that’s what helped her accomplish the mission. It wasn’t his place to comment on that, especially when he needed her to stay focused on the end goal.

“Good luck,” he said instead.

He watched on the security feed as they stepped inside of the elevator until the doors closed and they disappeared from his view completely. He glanced back up at the map on the holotable, where the dot representing the strike team started to move up before suddenly winking out completely as they hit the shielded area.

“They’re in,” he said to Darok, and for once, the colonel was silent.

All that was left now was the waiting — and hoping that the little Jedi lived up to her larger-than-life reputation.

[call-2-arms]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm. 

tagged by: stolen from my other blog :)  tagging: @snowbrn​ @threads-of-destiny​ (Fenris) @thedasonfire​ (Solas) @serbrienneoftarth​ @scndor​

My muse is:   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless / complicated 

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO. Hard to answer, and I wouldn’t say he’s UNPOPULAR, he’s just... not as popular as say... Dany or Jon are? Or even Cersei, tbh. If there were a more middle ground option, I’d definitely he’s more middle. Sometimes I feel like he’s a forgotten character despite the massive role he’s played in the series. 

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. Not only is Jaime known to be attractive and look the part of a king in the entire series, but Nikolaj is honestly just a super attractive male with a smile that could kill. I haven’t heard many people say that he’s an unattractive person, so this is definitely a yes. He might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but he’s enough of a looker that his reputation proceeds him. 

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. Okay so... this is complicated. Because many would see Jaime as weak because of his flaws, which is fair... And then they would also say he’s weak because he doesn’t have his sword hand any longer. But overall, Jaime is a strong character throughout the series, especially as a swordsman. He is one of the best swordsmen in Westeros, and I think there are MANY people who forget that little fact about him because in the series he was softening by the end of it. I think that’s where the fandom can really misinterpret Jaime. He definitely has his flaws, but he’s still an exceptionally strong individual. 

Are they underrated?  YES / NO / IDK. I think so. I think it’s mainly because I feel like he’s misunderstood by a lot of the fandom. I’m not excusing any of his shitty behaviour, but when you’ve got heroes like Jon Snow and Dany, and even Sansa, and strong villains like Cersei, Joff and Ramsay, I think they are all the face of the series. Those characters are the main characters that people think of when they see Game of Thrones. So Jaime is seen more of a support character, even with his ties. Most people think Lannister, they think Cersei and Tyrion (because they have so much more screen/book time than Jaime does). That’s the thing about GoT though, I feel like there’s no real “main” character. I feel like no matter who it is, there’s always a little love for them in the fandom, and I love that about the fandom. But overall, yes, I would say he’s definitely the third Lannister when thinking of the siblings.

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO. He’s kind of the entire reason why there’s a war in the first place tbh... He pushed a kid out a window and all hell broke loose :’D 

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG. He’s a member of one of the great Houses of Westeros. He plays a big part. 

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO. Oh yes, greatly known, and for many reasons. Mostly he’s known for being a king slayer, though. 

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL. It depends on who you ask, but throughout most of Westeros and during the series, he does not have a good reputation. Well known for his fighting skills and handsome features are about the only good reasons, everything else comes down to his relationship with his sister (sexual included) and the fact that he is a man without honour. Only by the end of the series does his reputation change, and even then, it is small. Jaime will never recover from what he has done.

How strictly do you follow canon?  — I’m fairly strict with what I go with. I stick to a strong, canon foundation because it’s a part of Jaime that is essentially who he IS as a character. It’s why I enjoy writing him, and I’m not going to take that away from him. The only divergencies are the fact that I prefer he not die in season 8 and I also write my Jaime as demisexual/romantic. 

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  —  Jaime is complicated. There is no saying he is a simple character, he has layer upon layer, and discovering that is a joy. Or at least it is for me, lol. I, personally, think Jaime is such a UNIQUE character because he actually isn’t a liar compared to his siblings. Between the bickering, Jaime is actually exceptionally forward, but because people don’t expect any Lannister to be honest, it’s a joy seeing how he can use that to his advantage. He often says cryptic, sarcastic comments that people think are him being sly and dishonest, but he’s actually being completely blunt that it’s hard to tell if Jaime is actually telling the truth or playing a game. I think that’s just a really fun trait to explore when getting to write and interact with him. Also, who doesn’t like interacting with a sarcastic arsehole? X’D Deep down, Jaime has a lot of complicated issues, however, especially when it comes to family and how he is supposed to be seen. He says he doesn’t care, but he cares deeply, he brushes everything off like it’s nothing, but he’s crippled on the inside. Jaime is just one of those really strong on the outside but weak on the inside characters, and I love getting to explore that. 

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  — I think the fact that Jaime has been in an incest relationship for his entire life, that would definitely push people away from really caring or interacting with him. And if that’s a trigger for someone, then I totally understand why they’d want to stay away. That’s fair. Jaime can also come off as selfish and cruel, with a bad temper. People might not have the PATIENCE for him, when that’s really what he needs. He needs someone to help guide him to be a better person, to remove himself from the toxicity of ... well, his entire life, lol. He can also, like mentioned in the last questions, be cryptic as fuck. He is handicapped, he can be emotionally unstable, has PTSD and honestly just has a LOT going on, and trying to push past that to make him grow as a person and a character could be too much for folks to deal with (I think that’s a plus, but I can understand why he might not be popular lol).

What inspired you to rp your muse?  —  Jaime has been one of my favourite characters ever since I got interested in the series. I was nervous as hell to join the GoTRP community because I’d never read the books before (and still haven’t finished them lol), but I adored his character from the start, especially when a redemption arc began to happen. Look, I’m a sucker for redemption arcs and character growth, learning about his past and his secret about why he killed the Mad King. Those things are things that draw me to characters, villain characters who try to be better, who learn, who become softer. I LOVE that growth, and that’s definitely what kept me interested in Jaime. His in depth character only made my drive for wanting to delve into his head stronger. I love complicated characters, I love grey characters, I love characters that have layers I can pick through and analyse. I have also always been highly interested in sexual mental health and health in general (and have been interested in psychology for ever since I was little lol), so he was right up my ally. 

What keeps your inspiration going?  —  Definitely rewatching the series (which I desperately need to do lol), and reading the novels (which I’m VERY slow with but absolutely love them!). What really keeps me interested is definitely my RP partners though, and keeping active within the writing community. I love getting to interact with everyone. 

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO / I SINCERELY HOPE I DO? I have severe duplicate insecurities like most people do, but I’m pretty happy with the grasp I have on Jaime’s character overall. It’s hard to write post season 8 Jaime without a book to go to and compare against the series, so I try and keep them pretty level with each other and find a happy place in the middle. I also know I most likely write Jaime a little more emotionally traumatised, but I try to keep what happened to him real, and that has repercussions. 

Do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO / SORT OF? I need to move them over to this blog, but NOT ENOUGH. I really need to rewatch and continue the book series to get my head around more headcanons. Also I just haven’t had ANY time this year for much at all when it comes to headcanons, because I am so exhausted after work  

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES / NO. For Jaime, unfortunately, no. I keep most of my drabbles to my Dragon Age protags. I would love to though... if I had time, lol. 

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO. Absolutely. Hyperfocus like a champ over here, lol. 

Are you confident in your portrayal? YES / NO / SORT OF? I think there’s always room for improvement, but I’m pretty happy with my portrayal so far. I try my hardest to keep him pretty canon, and the feedback I’ve had from my partners has always been so kind and reassuring <3

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO / SOMETIMES. I’ve been writing Dragon Age for so long... I feel like I don’t know a lot of the lore when it comes to GoT. I sometimes have to Wiki things I forget, names I don’t remember, and alliances and plots because I’m BAD with politics okay? I’m terrible with it all. Writing helps me learn those things, but if I’m not interested, I find it tedious to go and research (ASD/ADHD).

Are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO / SORTA. It depends. Some things I really don’t care about, others I do. It entirely depends on my mood and the day, and how the stars align lol. Or... how tired I am, haha. It really just depends. I will be more sensitive if I’m hurt from someone that means something to me, or someone I look up to. Other days I just can’t be fucked because I’m too old and tired to deal with it. 

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?  —  I’m going to have to say “no” on this. It’s purely because i’m not ASKING for criticism. If I was, then that’s fair because I’m actively SEEKING to be better. Right now, Jaime is a hobby and not a muse that I am constantly working on. He’s a tertiary muse that I’m here to just have a good time with and research when I feel the need to. Outside of that, if you don’t like my portrayal then you don’t have to interact with me and that’s fine. If you think my Jaime is too emotional, I’m working off mostly season 8 things which we have no book to look back on, so it’s mostly me basing everything off his past reactions and character development. If you have issues on the way I see his and Cersei’s relationship and it being toxic despite his love for her, that’s a whole diff convo lol. At the end of the day... I’m writing him the way he comes to me, and if you don’t enjoy it then that’s all good, just don’t get in my face about it. 

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  —  Absolutely, they help with getting to know little things about him that I may never have thought about before. I love those kinds of character development questions. 

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?  —  I guess it depends on what type of headcanon it is. I generally try and base my headcanons off solid evidence within his character background and events within the series. If someone doesn’t agree with me, it’s literally not the end of the world and it’s not worth arguing over--we all have out different portrayals and I’m not the original writer lol. If you’re going to get cranky at me because my Jaime enjoys the company of men as well once he’s able to explore himself sexually, then I really couldn’t give a fuck. As a gay man, it helps me enjoy the character a little bit more and identify with him, and I write Jaime as demi anyway. Plus, I also don’t write it in a sense that it’s not something he doesn’t struggle with considering Westeros is not open to such things. 

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?  —  same as the above.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?  —  I don’t actively go looking through Jaime hate tags, so I’ve never run into this? If someone follows me and hates Jaime, then I just think it’s stupid that they followed me in the first place? Obviously now that he’s on a multi, that’s a little bit more complicated, but everyone is free to not interact with him and still interact with my other characters here lol. If I follow someone and then see them actively posting hate about him, I would simply unfollow. That’s it. I’m not here to fight and argue, I’m here to have a good time, and I’m not going to force anyone to enjoy a character they don’t. 

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?  —  Mistakes happen, I don’t always look over my reply before posting, and more often then not, I’m tired as hell when I’m writing anyway so there might be errors from time to time. I can guarantee there’s probably some in this meme lol. If a little red squiggle doesn’t come up beneath the word, then I’ve probably not fixed it. In saying that, if you’re coming to me every time I make a typo... I will begin to get annoyed. It’s a small thing, get over it and move on. If you can’t, then maybe I’m not the right person to be writing with if it’s causing you that much stress. If I’ve completely butchered a sentence (which has happened!), then just give me a polite nudge and go “hey did you mean to write this instead?” and I’ll probably feel embarrassed and laugh about it and be like yeah sorry, I meant that :’D 

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?   —  When there’s not a pandemic going on in the world, I’m certainly very easy going, lol. It takes a fair bit to piss me off, and it’s got to be pretty repetitive for me to start going... mmm, there’s a pattern here and I don’t like it. But generally speaking, if you’re nice to me, I’m nice back. I don’t go looking for fights and arguments, and my nature has certainly meant people have abused me in the past. I’m often too empathetic and because I avoid trying to make a fuss and cause confrontation, I often let people do whatever. I’ve... somewhat learned from past experiences to NOT do this to myself, which I guess has made me a little bit less easy going. That and just generally getting older and not having the time to care about petty things might make me come off as a hard arse at times. But look... I’m not going to be a dickhead to anyone who doesn’t deserve it, okay? I get we’re all anxious, I get we’re all curious, I get that we all have opinions. Don’t be a dick and you don’t have anything to worry about. I can sometimes be blunt, but most people learn that that’s just me. Maybe it’s an Aussie thing, maybe it’s a me thing. Probably a combination of the two... my mother always did say I was very blunt. >.> Sometimes that’s a good thing when people want or need advice, but if it’s not what you want to hear, then don’t come asking, because I can be very honest.