#every time i come to this place i can feel myself regressing and losing all of my .. everything really

[zbloodwhisper]

hope everyone is having a happy new year because. im not.

[f1zzlest1ckzz]

yet another under-500 word jack comfort fic i wrote during an Episode. forewarning though, protag is implied to be age regressed ,,

“Jaaaaaaack,,,” I whined, wandering down the stairs with a stuffed animal in my arms. I hadn't been sleeping well for the past few nights, and this one was no different. Nightmare after nightmare.

Jack was sitting, reading, in a large chair up against the wall that the stairs went up. He read there every night, mostly dark fairytales that I'd assume he read to his daughter once upon a time.  

“Hmm?” he looked up from his book, closing it over his hand (to keep from losing the page) when he realised who made the noise.

Opening it again, he placed the book face-down on a table beside his chair. “What's wrong, dearie?” he asked with a slight tilt of the head, looking me up and down as he did.

I shrugged and mumbled something under my breath, looking away and squeezing my bear tightly.

“What was that?” He smiled softly, moving over a little bit in his chair to get a better look at me. 

I pouted, holding the bear over my face so I could yell, as loud as I wanted, as a response. “Nightmaaaaares..” I whined, all muffled. 

The dreams were always about being lost, all by myself, in abandoned places. Desolate, silent. Just me, wandering the earth with a quiet breeze following me. It was eerie, and I couldn't shake the fear it caused even after I woke up from it.

“Oohhh,,” Jack said, still smiling. “Can you come here, love?” He requested in a tone that meant ‘it's okay if you'd rather not be touched. I'm here.’ 

I took him up on the offer, though, and I went and stood a little bit in front of Jack, who patted at his lap as if he were beckoning over a dog. I sighed and sat down, gazing up at him lovingly.

He held me with one arm, around my back, and put his other hand on my lap to secure me in place. “Now,” he began, “would you like to tell me about these scary dreams of yours?”

I shook my head.

“Pleaaase? I've heard it can make them less scary, my dear.” He almost begged, sounding all sweet. This caregiver-y side of him would never cease to charm me. Maybe it's just my parental issues, maybe it's my want to be taken care of, but he did it so well. He made me feel so safe and seen.

Grumbling again, I finally gave in. “Fine. BUT! but. On one condition.”

He chuckled. He would do anything, really. “Yes, love?”

“Promise you won't laugh at me.” I scowled at him, putting my hand on his. I'd probably pinch him there if he went against my promise.

“Oh, I wouldn't dream of it. I promise.” He smiled again, still holding onto me and listening to every word as I explained what had scared me.

[borderline-gays-club]

12/17/23 12:16 AM

I feel like I'm always playing catch up. And this has been an ongoing problem for a very very long time. At least since highschool. possibly before. And I now know its because of all my fun mental problems that work together to make my life a chaotic mess (less so now). But now I'm in a place where Im asking myself: how do I just exist without feeling like I need to get everything done right now. Like i cant fucking relax. And the problem is that there is some level of reasoning to it, but at the same time I need to find a balance, cus either way working crazy all the time is just gonna burn me out and cause me more problems in the long run. I have gone through so many periods in my life where I'm severely depressed and incapacitated and then hypo mania kicks in and I can do everything. So in the time periods of mania I would "make up" for all the time I lost and it was a vicious cycle. Even though my bipolar symptoms are currently managed with medication, I look back the past 10 years or so and I'm like wow. I lost a lot of myself bc of my BPD. and I guess thats where alll my current urgency is coming from. BPD took a lot away from me. Time that I can never get back. And I can't say I regret it, because with the tools I had back then, it just wouldn't have been possible to have made different choices. I will say, with every step of this journey in my life, I really have always been trying. Even at my worst I was trying to find ways to not be so miserable. I really wouldn't give up. Its in these moments of reflection that I can really say that my will to live has actually been very strong this whole time. Even when i wanted to die. I still tried. The times that i basically gave up on myself was when my miserableness was being blanketed by obsession/FP shit. That was the perfect way to completely lose hold of myself and dedicate every fiber of my being to that other person. and it would feel euphoric and would get me out of depression. Its terrible. literal addiction shit. These are the times that I mourn because it really does feel like regression. And as much as i dont want to treat myself like a project that must always get better over time, it really just feels tragic how much of my 20s I've lost to losing myself in other people. But this is all time i cannot get back. There is no point in regret. And also, I cant regret decisions I couldn't really make. A lot of this lost time is really due to lack of care that I needed. From my parents, from doctors. I was simply emotionally and medically neglected, and I did my best with what I did have. All I can do now is to strive to live in my truth. but first i must figure out what my truths are. Because I still don't really know what self means. Im figuring it out tho. *last note: mayb i just need to view time differently. I'm viewing it as a linear thing, but I know that time is not really linear. Life is certainly not linear. I think I still view my value with what I do and what I create. This is something I'm working through. I think the question is also: Who am i if I did not make things? Where would I place my self worth without being able to make things? theres always a lot to work thru.

[myatuesday]

I had a thought tonight that mom's dying was, indeed, a blessing.

I mean, prior to now, I'd seen the silver linings in it. But didn't view it as a blessing overall.

It's been so stressful.

But, now I'm finally moved out and into my own place. I'm buying things for myself and doing things for myself. And just simply or rather moreso majorly, fully living life again.

There's a return to me happening.

And, yes, it comes w a heaviness and with a haunting. And with a great deal of uncertainty.

Losing both my mother and my grandfather at once is... there really are no words to describe, other than to put it plainly and say - knowingly a huge understatement - but it's been impactful. To say the least.

Am I better now tho? Are things better?

The fact is, yes, mostly. Or in many ways.

The grandfather element hurts and I can't talk about it.

I wish I could have this without that, for sure. I'm crying now just thinking about it.

And there are moments I want my mother. And there will be more.

But, overall, am I better now?

Undeniably, yes. A resounding yes. A notable yes.

I'm almost thriving while I'm struggling. It's the strangest juxtaposition.

And idk if it's a good thing or a bad thing I feel this way. It simply is.

I lost, at least, half a decade. Lost in the fog. Depression and suppression. And regression.

I can't get that time back. But I can go from here and I am.

And, in so many ways, mom was the worst thing to ever happen to me.

But I still miss having someone to call at 3am. There is definitely something I needed - still need, do need, and relied on, and took for granted, sure, you don't always know until you know, missing from my life. I feel that. I go to bed with(out) that every night.

But there's so much freedom in the rest. There's so much out here outside of... her fucking thumb and judgement and smothering nature and all her damaging and critical and relentless and unapologetic narcissistic bullsit. Too.

It's everything all at once.

But I'd like to think I'm free now.

I feel free.

(Once I'm done... cleaning up the rest of her mess once and for all.)

And I think she'd feel the same, honestly.

We were the ultimate toxic relationship. And now it's over. And we both get to move on. Forever.

[focsle]

How did you go about discovering your past lives? Do you have any pointers for people who want to find out more about their own past lives?

I don't feel comfortable giving specific pointers on how to do it as I don't feel it's my place and wouldn't want to be responsible for being seen as a source for guidance on anyone doing any kind of soul work. But I'll say some things below the cut about how one can start to go about it!

If you don't know how to already, l'd say learn how to enter a meditative state and--most importantly--learn how to protect and ground yourself before, during, and after doing work in that state. And also how to emotionally/physically/psychically take care of yourself before and after said work. I'd say make sure you feel like you're personally in a good place before doing it, because it can have a strong impact. I use Christopher Penczak's techniques for all of this just because he was something of a household name growing up so I trust him. But research & read about it to find what works best for you and practice it (like just doing meditations and stuff) before jumping into past life business.

It's helpful to go into past lives with a specific thing you want to understand more about yourself and/or specific pieces of information you think relate to you rather than just looking for any past lives you may have had, since that can be too broad!

You can find a regression hypnotherapist to help you do this. Hypnosis feels functionally the same as meditation for me--you don't like...lose consciousness or bark like a dog or anything. In both states you're always in control of the situation and can always back out if you don't want to engage with something. Going to someone who did past life hypnosis was what I did first to establish a reference point for myself for the life I wanted to explore that I could come back to. The person I went to wasn't doing anything I couldn't do myself, but I found it helpful to have a facilitator who understood the work to ask me questions that could guide me through the information I was getting in a more targeted way. I think once you learn to protect & ground yourself, if you had a trusted friend who also understood the importance of those things they could probably also serve as a facilitator.

There are also some people who can just 'tell' someone about their past lives without hypnosis/meditation, but I personally don't trust it that much. No one can access you better than yourself, I think. No doubt there are individuals who have that skill, but I didn't want to waste time and money trying to find someone legitimate who works in that way in the hopes that they'd say something I connected with when I could just cut to the chase. After I did a session with a facilitator to learn about this specific life and had a baseline of information about him, I've been exploring the rest on my own. Which I also find helpful because I can spend more time on some things or delve more deeply into what may have felt too personal to do with a facilitator.

How someone receives information about past lives is also unique depending on how their personal intuition works. For me, it's the same way I experience dreams. The strongest vehicle for info for me is feelings--both emotional and the full spectrum of physical sensation. That's followed by intuition of situations, in that I don't ask 'what is my name' and have someone walk up to me and answer it. Instead it's like if you're at work, at any given moment you know what your name is, you know what you look like, you know what your job is and why you're there that day, you know the names of your coworkers and how you feel about them, you know if you're hungry or tired etc. It's info that's inherently there (though it's not always super clear every time). Third is visuals, but those are definitely not the strongest and mostly supplement the first two.

Good luck finding something that works & take care of yourself while doing it!

[jonroxton]

can you talk about chlark beyond chloe? personally i think it's weird that the writers kept adding kisses and weird romantic moments without any pay off. i don't know much about the fandom back then but i think the writers were baiting fans since clark/chloe seems to be the second most popular ship after clex. second i personally think chloe would never be happy with clark or anyone tbh and she doesn't seem like the type of person who would have kids so the finale was weird to me.

this got looooong :)

0. it WAS weird, and the choice to never not once go for it with them was to the story's detriment. I'll get into it a little later on in this post.

Re: shipping in sv fandom. there was definitely drama (clana was HUGE when the show was airing and every ship was basically derailed by it lol) but I stayed in my clois lane with a small circle of fandom friends much like I do now. a good measure of clois fans were fans of lois and clark from other mediums, come to sv just for lois and clark, myself included. we were pretty insulated as a fandom even back then. I do remember seeing more Chlark after the S5 finale (when Chloe kisses him goodbye), but those dropped off after Jimmy was introduced right away in S6. The most drama I encountered was with Chloisers: Chloe fans who believed wholeheartedly that Chloe was Lois. They hated SV!Lois and were convinced she would die so Chloe could take her name and job and place by Clark's side, thus a Chlark endgame. this was a popular theory amongst that fandom even into s9, when the clois ball started to roll for true.

bait and switch

a lot of Chlark is rooted in this notion that chloe WOULD be the best thing for Clark, the ideal Lois, the true best friend, the human hand guiding him through Earth's troubles. she would be could be the BEST possible lois archetype for Clark. it's not a wrong interpretation. she was specifically written as a lois-and-lana-proxy (teenage lana is a reporter in some AUs and even some as an adult as a tv correspondent) and she's given many lois-ish traits (tenacious, secretly crushing on clark and in denial), but this interpretation is deeply flawed. first, because lois does eventually enter into the picture and she has her own defining traits that, when compared to chloe, make chloe seem much shallower than realized. secondly, within the complete context of the story, her position in the greater narrative is not as ~the one who got away, the way it did very early on in S1-S4, but one who clark tolerates.

they're friends because clark is forgiving and chloe has staying power. their friendship is riddled with insecurities and unknowns the characters create for themselves. their dynamic is defined by conflict, not resolutions. this is not made easy by the fact that chloe is such a strangely written character, but ultimately she is positioned as a counter to clark achieving his happiness. not a thematic narrative foil but an obstacle clark eventually relents to.

2. and it has been so from the get-go

S1 is the best season for them and the single season which actually considers Clark's side in this dynamic. everything about them later on can be explained with how they are in this season. and that's the problem. when they're 14 it's nice teen angst drama and works perfectly to establish the dynamic. when they're 24 it's at best a pattern, at worst regression. we expect certain behaviors, dismiss them too, when it's children, at least I do. clark and chloe never move beyond the dynamic they establish in s1 and early s2. in essence, clark and chloe remain children around each other. they have many discussions in the later seasons that make at least one appear petulant.

so S1 clark has just been told the greatest secret of his existence and he imprints on lana hard that same night (right AFTER jonathan tells him, he meets lana at the graveyard and talks to her for the first time EVER, a lot of childhood imprinting going on in SV). all of s1 follows clark's heartache over lana, watching her from afar and figuring out a way to be near her. this pain is exacerbated by the fact that he believes he caused her her greatest grief: the death of her parents via the meteor shower which he arrived in.

here the first beat of the chlark dynamic is established: chloe's job and passion – the wall of weird and her pursuing the meteor infected oddities of SV - directly affects clark in a negative way (he's suicidal for much of s1-s3). so her crush on him is countered with her unknowingly causing him great grief. om top of that: clark becomes part of this passion of hers and she eventually begins to pursue him as a story to be uncovered, very superman yes. here tho, it causes nothing but strife for them and paints chloe in an awful light (and clark too, highlighting his refusal to open up). I personally enjoy this aspect of them in s1. bc they're so young I give em a free pass and it's a good conflict playing around with old superman tropes, but it makes for a fraught friendship.

3. the second beat

is that neither chloe's crush on clark, nor his asking her to stop pursuing his truth, do anything to stay her. her tenaciousness becomes intrusiveness and inconsideration (many of her accomplishments irt the daily planet are directly bc she betrays clark). she simply will not listen to her friend and does not believe his livelihood and autonomy is worth losing a story over. this is literally the opposite of comics/live action lois lane, who in various versions drops the clark reveal story to protect him. this passion turns vindictive pretty early for chloe, who eventually pursues stories about clark out of jealousy and entitlement (against lana also).

4. the third beat

is that clark doesn't ever see chloe as romantic prospect except this time in s1. the tornado trapping lana pulls him away from any solidifying of the clark/chloe dynamic, and that's that. but we know clark was willing to go for it in early s2 when he apologizes to chloe about running off on her. it's chloe who decides not to go on with the relationship. clark is visibly confused, but also 15 so he can't see that chloe is putting on a brave front to protect herself from clark running off again. I liked this too as it's another play on superman tropes, but my sympathy for them stops here.

5. and stays here

these beats are the entirety of this dynamic. everything about chlark can be distilled down to their childhood. it's why I don't hate them completely, bc I have a lot of love for kids who hurt in such a way and that time is never easy. in s8 (I think its s8) when we get a flashback to when they meet as kids (more imprinting!). little tenacious cute chloe kisses insecure clark bc of the funny awkward tension, acknowledging it, and then immediately takes it back because they're better as friends. (also they’re like 11 lol)

every single romantic moment with them is undercut either by chloe herself, or by the presence of other storylines/romances the writers wanted to pursue. the lack of integrity in chloe and the lack of interest in clark, regardless of how sincere their connection or how messed up, is a central part of their dynamic that needs to be reconciled with their friendship. and its exhausting bc there is never a point they are ever truly comfortable around each other.

6. to a fault

knowing the secret doesn't change chloe's methods. it doesn't make chloe clark's great confidante. if anything, it complicates matters for both because their relationship then becomes about the greater good and clark's great destiny. everything chloe does becomes about that, which in theory sounds awesome, but is executed much the same way as s1!chlark: by reiterating behaviors that highlight the negative aspects of that loyalty and the negative aspects of their characters.

the single time they do actively examine what this loyalty means and how chloe's hero complex complicates things for chlark is with s8 and davis. she protects davis with the skills of subterfuge and secrecy she developed as clark's friend. and it costs her jimmy and a lot of her personal integrity as a character. tho ironically it makes chloe the strongest she's been as a character. this is the first time clark is forced to view chloe as an enemy and he never quite recovers from discovering the dark depths she’s willing to go to. 

it's an arc dealing with the established beats: how far chloe is willing to go for a kryptonian (very far), how much she's willing to do for him (A LOT and all of it illegal), and what it costs her (jimmy). it deals with her jealousy (always second choice) and her motivations (uncovering the truth). this great want that she struggled with for years is turned on its head and examined, revealing just how weird and dark her hero complex is because obviously davis is not clark. davis/chloe served to highlight more than any other arc how it's really too bad that clark never saw her that way, because she has so much love to give and when channeled, it's a great force. only it's a great force for evil. clark has to confront that it’s not just lex but his other closest friend who is willing to go so far. they backtrack hard in s9 and s10 but they keep this underlying wariness in clark towards Chloe throughout. it’s not anything new, but it’s no longer subtext that clark doesn’t fully trust chloe.

7. And that's the rub

in the end. chloe and clark have many storylines they're in together and chloe's important.... to develop clark and as a counter to clark. clark never instigates anything, not once, for 9 years! when the show did give us Moments TM, clark is reacting, not actively making choices to connect to her. if anything, clark is incredibly awkward about chloe when they become intimate. he doesn't seem to know what to do with her crushing on him (the elevator scene is a great one to show just how awkward chloe makes him feel). more than that. clark never tells her his secret. and later on, chloe doesn't tell him half the crazy wild shit she does to protect him bc she knows he would disapprove. I still hold that the only reason they work is bc clark is a forgiving character and would give her chance after chance after chance. that's the watsonian explanation, but the doylist explanation is that the writers just never cared to explore them beyond this point.

8. and what was beyond that point?

they would've been a great counter to lexana in S6 and early clana (clark finally having a gf who knows). it’s playing the clark/Chloe as a straight lois/clark proxy before actually pursuing lois and clark. it could’ve been the precursor to davis and caused an even more personal conflict! the kiss at the end of s5 was their chance. they could've written chlark devolving much the same way lexana did in s6 (or not). but again. the writers never went that far and clearly never wanted to. it kept chlark forever in this stage of childhood friendship always on the brink of collapsing, tittering either way. it's also tough to speculate bc clark's just not into her. in fact he becomes more and more wary of her, to the point where he believes she can do horrible things, and he's right. the stories continually make their methods complete opposite.

they go out of their way to show chloe realizing how happy clark is with lois. and even play a joke on the fandom by literally turning her into lois and seeing the sparks between her friends. it's almost... cruel but it does serve to show how clark is when he's smitten and he's never looked at chloe that way except during the dance when they were kids. other unrequited dynamics have at least some spark from the desired, but nil from clark. clark is into chloe in late s1, but she shuts him down, and when he seems to be into her again (damn that s5 kiss was a good one lol), she shuts him down again. it's just a weird writing choice all around, and that they kept nuggets of it throughout the show is the thing I cringe at most whenever I rewatch.

9. bait and switch 2

with hindsight it is definitely ship baiting and that sucks for that dynamic bc without it their friendship would’ve been the stronger, or at least not full of so much negativity. all it did was remind everyone that chloe’s been duped since she was a kid and that clark is both stupid and strange for never noticing and letting her get away with shit just bc she’s the most loyal. I don’t ship them and even I get frustrated lol

[let-me-touch-your-soul]

a loveless letter

I’ve been wanting to write you a letter for years now but I just haven’t been able to formulate my thoughts into words and I never knew when would be the perfect time to write. I was waiting for us to end so I can have the whole picture to reflect on but I no longer see an end in sight for us and this letter is probably going to be very messy with no plot at all, so just bare with me for now until I can write a better, more chronological letter. And let me just preface this by saying this is in no way me putting any blame on you, this isn’t me trying to call you out and paint you as the bad guy. This is just my side of our story. 

We met when I was 4 years old, and all you were to me was my friend’s older brother, nothing more nothing less. I don’t know where exactly I crossed the line or you did, but you are no longer just that. You are now someone who stole my innocence and gave me a warped perception of this world and the word ‘love’. There is so much to say but let me try to start from the beginning. 

When we first started talking outside of family functions, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I have no perception of time so I just like to say it all started when I was 12, but I’m pretty sure it was before that. We started talking and at that time you were just some guy I was interested in; it wasn’t even remotely close to a crush yet, I was just hyped about getting some sort of attention from an older guy. Don’t know where the lines blurred but suddenly you were making sexual advances to a little girl, someone who had no idea what some of the words you were saying meant, someone who was just learning about the horrors of the world, someone who was already getting their childhood and innocence stolen from them. 

I just went along with everything you said and wanted because I didn’t want to disappoint you and didn’t want you to stop talking to me. I became obsessed with the attention you were giving me, well my body. As someone who suffered with an altered body image for as long as I can remember, I was basking in the attention you were giving to the physical parts of me, no matter how objectified and dehumanized it made me feel at times. I lied about the number of people who had touched me and about all the experiences I never had, (I was only 12 so how could you even think I had other people touching me in my most intimate places?), just so you wouldn’t think I was as innocent as I was. You made me grow up too early. 

As we kept talking, my heart slowly made its way to the surface and I caught feelings, despite us both discussing it would be ‘no strings attached’. I thought I was the only one with these flutters and I was way too embarrassed to say anything about the way I really felt so I never brought it up, I just went along with everything you said. After all, I was still just a shy little girl who had no idea what she got herself into. But then one night, you told me you loved me. I still remember that moment vividly, as if it happened just yesterday. It was the night before my first day of school (6th grade) and I was charging my phone in my parent’s bedroom, telling you goodnight, and you replied with “goodnight, love you”, and with shaking hands and a heart going a mile a minute I replied with, “goodnight, love you too”, smiling so hard my cheeks started going numb. That was the beginning of the end of me. 

Truth be told, I wasn’t even sure at that time if I really did love you, but I still said it back because I didn’t want to lose you, but after all these years I think I can safely say that somewhere along the line I did fall in love with you, with what exactly I don’t know, but I did love you. But let’s not get too ahead of ourselves, there is so much more left of this story, this is barely the beginning. 

You made me believe you loved me. We texted all day and night, meaningless conversations filled with sexual tension. You were the first boy I showed my body to, the first boy I kissed, the first boy who held me and touched me, the first boy I shed tears for, the first boy I had feelings for and said “I love you” to. 

I remember seeing you with different girls on your snap everyday and remember hearing about you from other girls you were doing the same thing to them as were doing to me, and with every girl I lost a piece of myself. Now don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t jealous. I knew you weren’t mine, you made that pretty clear from the beginning, and I was never the jealous type. But, I was hurt. I thought I was faulty. I couldn’t blame you, because you made it clear from the beginning that you didn’t want anything exclusive, this was all just fun for you, a passing time, so with no one to blame I blamed myself. All the other girls were much older than me, and prettier, and skinnier, so if I was just prettier and as skinny as them maybe you would show me more attention right? I started changing myself. I ate less and threw up more. I started wearing tighter clothes and starting drinking and smoking, because that would make me more cooler and desirable right? Wrong. You still looked at other girls, and I couldn’t change myself anymore, I was on the brink of losing myself, love. All for you. But you never noticed. You never cared enough to know. 

I remember getting drunk one night and texting you that I loved you but felt as if you didn’t love me. Do you remember that? You replied back in the morning saying you did love me. It was all baseless though. It was very clear you only said that to not be painted as the bad guy, but I still took your word for it and never brought it up again, and neither did you. I think that was the last time the word “love” was uttered between us. Did I ruin it? 

I also can’t help but bring up how all our conversations happened within apps that couldn’t be seen by others unless specifically searched for. After all, who would even believe you were talking to lil ole me. Were you ashamed of me? Embarrassed to be seen talking to me? Well thats exactly what it seemed like. You made it very clear we were to be kept a secret, not a single soul should know you were talking to me. So I kept quiet. Didn’t tell a single soul about the boy who held my heart and crushed it along with my innocence. 

I tried to distance myself from you. I wouldn’t answer your texts, but at times my longing got the best of me and I couldn’t stop myself from responding back to you. We would go months without any contact and every time it was you who would hit me up first and I would lose the battle within me and respond and we would be back to square one, texting as if nothing changed between us. I think I found comfort in that familiarity of knowing exactly what to expect when talking to you. Our dynamic never really changed over the years, did it? I still can’t decide if thats a bad thing or a good thing. 

I tried to move on from you, I really did. But no one, nothing, lasted and I always ended up going back to you one way or another. I tried to fill the hole you left in me with drugs and drinks and boys who also only wanted me for my body. After all, that was all I knew. I didn't know love outside of what I could offer with my body. You taught me I wasn’t anything beyond my body and I never stopped to question it, and sometimes I still regress back to that little girls mind, and I’m still forced to exist in the body I destroyed for you, in the body I still let you use from time to time.

There are times when I think I am completely over you and nothing you do affects me anymore but then you text me again and all the feelings I had for you over the years come rushing back and I feel like I’m 13 all over again falling head over heels in love with you. But honestly, I think I just find comfort in the familiarity of you. We’ve been in this push and pull situationship (what else is there call us?) for I think over 6 years now, and I’ve honestly just come to accept that it probably won’t be a solid ending to this anytime soon. I tried so hard to end it and move and forget about you, but the truth is that I am too weak when it comes to you. Now, I have no idea whatsoever why you keep coming back to me when there are so many other better prospects out there for you and I try not to think too deep into it because I don’t want to create false hope and hurt myself any more than I already have. I gave you all my teenage years, and I am still giving them you. We grew up with each other and these years are just something neither of us can take back and I’ve come to just accept this and try to live with knowing there will never be anything more to us, no matter how hard that acceptance is for me. 

I told myself that going away to college was going to be a fresh new beginning for me and that I would completely cut you off. We all know that didn’t go as planned. I had sex with you for the first time this summer. Did you know that was my first time lol? Yeah I literally have never had anyone touch me like that except for you. I don’t think I can ever come clean about that to you because that’s just too much power in your hands over me with that information. I’m sorry for lying and making you think I was more experienced than I actually was, but I guess now you know why I did it. 

I think for me to be able to fully move I would need to hear your side of everything from you. But I don’t know if I’ll ever get the closure I need directly form you so I guess this is why I’m writing this, as a way to get some type of closure for myself. I never plan on telling you any of this because being vulnerable is just not something I have in me, especially to you, so I guess we both will just be living in the dark about this without any answers for the rest of our lives. 

Sometimes, and I know this sounds hilarious and dumb, I wonder what the future holds for us. I wonder if we met at a different point in our lives, where we were both older and wiser, would we have been able to be more than what we are now, whatever we are now. I’ve held feelings for you inside of me for so long I really don’t think it will ever go away; I’m just going to have to find a way to live with them for the rest of my life. I just want to end this by letting you know that if you ever change your mind about me and us, and want there to actually be an ��us’ exclusively, I will say yes to you without hesitation. You hold pieces of me I will never get back, pieces I don’t even know if I want back, and I don’t think if I will ever be able to devote myself so someone else with the same intensity I devoted myself to you. I used to be able to see a future with you, and I would like to blame that on my naive, young brain. Thank you for teaching me that not everyone who comes into my life will reciprocate the same feelings as me and that love is only a figment of one’s imagination. I sincerely hope you never feel what I felt and that you find someone who loves you back the same way you love them. I hope you are happy and content with wherever you end up in life, just don’t forget me. :)

[gothgirlmahi]

Baby Chapter One

Dark!Steve x Reader So this is a dark Steve series because he does a bad thing with good intentions I guess He’s dark but also like...soft. And suffering. Warnings: no darkness YET but this is a story about forced age regression, anxiety/depression, smut, ddlg

Steve pulled you closer by your hips, burying himself as deep as he could in you. He grunted into your neck, painting your insides with his cum. Your thighs were still quivering from your own release while you ran your hands through his hair. He looked at you with a smile, pecking your lips twice before slowly pulling out of you. His arms encased you, gently bringing your head to rest on his chest.

The night air was still and silent, still heated by the embers of your passionate moments. Your lover smoothed down your hair before gently taking you by the chin, getting you to look up at him. Before he even said it, you knew what he would ask.

“Marry me?” His eyes were hopeful, deep blue and sparkling in the moonlight.

A heavy sigh escaped your lips. Before you could reply, he spoke up again.

“Please. Remember that joke you made about early retirement? Move in with me and it can be real.”

“Steve, I don’t know what to say. You keep asking and it’s not that I don’t love you. It’s just I...it’s hard for me to talk about. I’m sorry,” you murmured, pulling away from him. He shook his head, pulling you back down.

“No. Please stay. I just want you to be happy and you haven’t seemed happy recently.”

“Well, my life is going nowhere fast and not even Steve Rogers can fix it.”

“You won’t let me try. You can quit your job. Do whatever you want. I’ll take care of you. You don’t have to worry about all of this.”

“In any case I still have to worry about all of this,” you said, pointing to your head.

Your mental state was all over the place. Some days you wished you were dead and other days you woke up thinking you already were. Dead end job. Your parents stopped talking to you after you dropped out of college. Sometimes your anxiety was so bad you couldn’t leave the house. Steve was understanding but impatient with your reluctance to accept him as your savior.

Steve wanted someone he could take care of. He thought he could sweep you away and fix all of your problems. Lately, he had been one of your problems. Steve wanted to get married. You weren’t sure marriage was in the cards for you. The both of you could barely call yourselves dating let alone ready for marriage. You loved Steve, more than you ever thought you could love another person, but you weren’t in the condition to say yes to a marriage proposal.

You could hardly take care of yourself, could hardly rationalize and make the best decisions for yourself so how could you be expected to do that in a relationship? Steve said you didn’t need to worry about all of that. You could work it out later. He kept trying to push his way into every part of your life, trying to fix it. Not a week went by that he didn’t try to pay your bills or drive you to work or try to get you to move in with him. He mostly just wanted you to quit the job you hated. To become his perfect housewife? You couldn’t be sure.

“You know I love you more than anything, right?”

“Steve, I love you. I really do. I just can’t give you what you want. I don’t want you to waste your time trying to deal with me, trying to make me happier. I want you to be happy. I don’t know if I’m the person that can do that.”

No matter how many times you tried, you couldn’t break up with Steve Rogers. It was mostly selfish. Being with him made you feel almost like things would be okay. There was no one else you trusted more. And he really loved you. He showed it through all of his actions. Even though you thought he deserved better, thought you both should move on, part of you couldn’t help but drag him down with you.

“Any time with you isn’t time wasted.”

He stared at you with that earnest purely Steve Rogers expression and you knew he meant every word. Steve never thought you were a lost cause. He never gave up on you even when you gave up on yourself. That’s why you were so terribly in love with him.

Steve knew a lot of superficial things about you. He knew where you were from, your hobbies, how much you hated your job, etc. One thing he didn’t know about you was what the inside of your apartment looked like. He had never been there. You had never invited him in and to your delight he never pushed the subject. Now that he had been talking about things like marriage and long term commitments, you were starting to think you should share a bit more of your life with him. But you were scared.

Part of you was thinking it was now or never. You were afraid to lose him but also afraid to have a secret like this.

Usually, when you came to visit him, you would stay the night. But tonight you were insistent on going home. Steve obliged and walked you back, holding your hand as the two of you weaved through the dark streets. Just the thought of telling him had your stomach in knots the whole way there. After a while, Steve could easily read your anxiety and stopped walking, taking both your hands in his.

“Are you okay?”

You nodded, trying to pull him along but he wouldn’t budge.

“Are you having a panic attack?”

“I’m fine. Please just walk with me.”

He let you take his arm and you held on to him firmly, both your arms wrapped around one of his as you walked.

“Stevie, I love you.”

“I love you, too, sweetheart. Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

“Yes. Maybe. I’m sorry. I’m just scared. I’ve been meaning to tell you. I just don’t want you to think less of me.”

“Unless you reveal yourself to be Red Skull in elaborate costume, I really don’t think I can think less of you.”

You laughed, but there were tears welling in your eyes. When you got in front of your door, you stopped and turned to Steve seriously.

“Steve, I’m going to tell you something and if you feel like I’m crazy or some kind of degenerate or—“

“You can tell me anything. You know that.”

“There’s this thing I do, like when I’m by myself or—I used to have this boyfriend that did it but it ended badly, but I trust you a lot and I—I’ll show you. Please. Come inside.”

You led him in the apartment and flicked the lights on. When you went to close the door, you leaned against it, trying to calm yourself. Steve looked at your expectantly. This wasn’t the first time you had considered telling Steve so you had a bit of a speech rehearsed.

“Steve, I’m going to say a lot and I need you to just listen. I like it when you take care of me. I like it when we’re in bed and you tell me how good I’m being for you. You make me feel really safe and secure and there are a lot of times when I really need that. I know that sometimes I might seem immature and whiny and this is probably an issue for a therapist, but it’s like I get into this headspace where I need someone to take care of me. It helps me through my anxiety.”

“What more can I do to help you?”

“You do more than enough, more than I could ever ask for. But there just another component and if you think it’s weird, we can just never mention it again. Follow me, okay?”

You led him through the apartment, making your way to your bedroom. The living room and kitchen were rather ordinary. A few pictures of your artwork hung on the walls. Steve recognized a few of the pieces you had shown him.

When you got to your bedroom door, you nearly pulled it off it’s hinges with how quickly you swung it open. In an incredible show of strength, you pulled Steve in the room with you, fully ready for him to call you names and march out of the building.

The room was...pink. There was a lot of pink. A lot of stuffed animals. Some toys were on the dresser. A half completed puzzle was on the floor in the corner. A pink easel sat off to the side. There were stickers of things like cupcakes and crowns and cute cartoons all over the wall.

It looked like a child’s room.

“Uh,” Steve stammered, “I think I understand. I read about this online.”

When he turned back to you, you were shaking with your eyes pointed at the floor. As soon as he came over to hug you, the waterworks started. You cried and apologized, saying you were sorry for not being normal and that he could walk out and you guys never had to talk about it again.

“Honey, look at me. I’m not going anywhere, okay? I’m going to support you however you need me to. And this,” he gestured around your room, “is adorable.”

You looked up at him with teary eyes.

“You don’t think I’m a weirdo?”

“Of course not. I just need you to be clear with me on what you need so I can give it to you. You know I’ll give you whatever you want.”

He carried you over to the bed and sat down with you on his lap. His hands stroked through your hair gently, calming and placating you for the time being.

“When I get like this, I need someone to take care of me. To tell me everything’s going to be alright. Someone who will help me do things and not think less of me when I ask for help.”

“And does this extend beyond the bedroom?”

“I would like it to. I kind of like it when you tell me what to do. Nothing crazy, but when you help me take care of myself so like telling me to get up and dressed or remember to do things.”

He looked thoughtful for a moment before pressing a kiss to your cheek.

“Do you have things you like to wear when you do this?” he asked. You had a few drawers in your closet dedicated to outfits for times like this.

“Yes!”

This was beyond anything you could have hoped for. Steve wasn’t pulling away from you and he didn’t seem disgusted by the whole thing. That might have been because he had discovered it on his own before and had time to understand it on his own terms. But now he was here with you and things were working out!

Steve looked at your seriously, sliding his hand down the curve of your hip.

“Go put on something pretty for me, baby girl.”

You nearly leaped out of his lap and into your walk in. Steve chuckled at your enthusiasm. There was a dress you had been saving for just a moment like this. It was short and pink, coming to just above your mid thigh with plenty of bows and ruffles. You hoped you wouldn’t need your bra or your panties so you left them in the closet. Before you left, you put on a pair of matching stockings.

When Steve saw you, his heart soared. You were always cute but this was something else. Just seeing you happy thrilled him and he beckoned you over to sit on his lap again. You straddled him with a big smile.

“Do you have a safe word?” Steve asked. So far everything the two of you had done was extraordinarily vanilla. Not that it was bad, because it definitely wasn’t, but this was new and exhilarating.

“Uh. Let’s go with Canada,” you decided.

Steve laid you on your back, placing himself between your thighs. He placed kisses all over your face and you giggled. One of his fingers pressed at your entrance.

“You’re so wet. Is that all for me?”

He pushed two fingers into you suddenly and you couldn’t reply. You clenched around him and he smiled, working up a steady pace inside you. Small gasps left your mouth as he fucked you with his fingers.

“Yeah, honey. Just like that. You’re so perfect.”

“P-please can you—aah!” He flicked his hand just right to get you moaning. You tried to grind your hips down to get him to go harder but it didn’t work. He was taking his time pulling you apart.

“Please what, baby? Use your words.”

His thumb pressed against your clit, rubbing circles into your sensitive bundle of nerves. Another finger joined the ones inside you.

“I want you inside me.”

“I am inside you, sweetheart. Don’t you wanna come on my fingers?”

“I wanna come on your cock. Daddy, please let me come on your cock!”

“Anything you want, baby.”

Steve took his shirt off and hung it over your chair. He got up to step out his pants and pull his boxers down. He sat on the bed and maneuvered you on top of him.

“Is this okay?” he asked. You nodded excitedly and put your hands on his shoulders. Steve held you by your waist and lined himself up with your entrance.

You gasped as you slid down on him. This position let him go as deep as possible so it was a lot to handle. Steve was gentle, letting you down slowly until your hips met. His hand rubbed your back and he hushed the whines you made, pressing kisses into your hair. When you were calm, he wrapped his arms around your torso, pulling you nearly off of his cock before slamming you back down.

Your eyes rolled back.

You were already close before he started fucking you, but this angle was making you crazy for him. He brought you back down again and you cried out, hugging yourself against him tighter. Steve got a steady rhythm going, picking you up and pulling you harshly down on his cock.

“Such a good girl taking my dick like this. This is what you wanted right? You wanted daddy’s cock?”

All you could do was nod as he rammed into you from below. The noises coming from where you were connected were obscene. Wet smacking echoing through the room. The slapping of skin on skin. Moans escaping your mouth in short breaths. The low rumble of Steve’s grunts of pleasure in your ear.

“Daddy, can I come?” Your voice was a hushed whisper in his ear. He looked at you, eyes fully dilated and consumed with lust.

“Yeah, baby. Be a good girl and come on daddy’s cock.”

He thrust into you one more time and you were lost, mindless as you came. Your orgasm came out in a little gush around his cock while you spasmed on top of him, legs shaking and hiding your face in his neck. The pleasure wasn’t stopping as he continued to impale you on his cock. You could feel your wetness covering his and your thighs.

“I’m close, sweetheart. I’m so close. You’re so beautiful.”

You clenched around him tightly, holding onto his biceps.

“Please, daddy, I want your cum. Please cum inside me.”

Steve pulled you down on him, holding you there and coming deep inside you. There was so much that it spilled from where you were joined and he was still coming. It sent you into aftershocks of your orgasm, panting while he filled you beyond capacity.

When the two of you were done shaking and holding onto each other, Steve threw his head back in laughter, his chest still heaving from exertion.

“I never came that hard in my life. I didn’t know someone could even get this wet. You’re magical.”

You hugged him, breathing in the scent of his skin. His arms wrapped around you, giving you a tight embrace, just how you liked. He held you until you heart rate steadied and pulled out, laying you on your back. Before you could protest, he hushed you.

“I just need to clean you up, sweetheart. I’ll be right back.”

You pointed him in the direction of the bathroom and he went, coming back with a wet towel to clean you up. Your mind was sleepy and dazed from how hard he fucked you. Completely worn out as your eyes drooped. Steve cleaned you carefully, being cautious of how sensitive you were. He cleaned himself before throwing the towel in the hamper.

Steve settled in behind you, pulling you closer so your back was against his warm chest. He laid kisses on your shoulder and near the back of your neck. You took his hand and laced your fingers through.

“This is good for us,” Steve murmured, into your skin, “now I can spoil you all I want.”

You smiled, holding his hand tighter.

“I love you,” you murmured.

“I love you, too. More than anything.”

...................

Taglist:@xoxabs88xox��� @momc95​

If you wanna be tagged in this series send an ask, thanks for reading!

[annakie]

Patchy

A little under two years ago I made this post, a chronicle of Patchy, the outside feral, turned inside kitty who took ten years to learn to love being petted.

Today we got some bad news.

TW for pet illness under the cut.

Patchy’s always been a bit of a puker, usually oh, say, once a month or so she’d have a good puke for no reason.  I’ve had other cats that are pukers so it’s not that surprising.

In the late winter/early spring I started to notice more frequent pukes.

I’d decided around that time that I needed to find healthier food for my cats, with Leela, the oldest turning 16, Fry turning 11, Pemily turning 7 and Patchy turning, I don’t know, 12 or 13.  No way to really know.  They already got decent food, but I did my research and had started looking at Blue Buffalo, American Journey and Dave’s canned food. 

Patchy had been on a mostly canned food diet since she went to the vet back in early 2020 and had a bunch of teeth pulled.  Also, as a note, Patchy’s brief flirtation with hanging out in the rest of the house ended after like a month.  She and Fry fought too much, and eventually he claimed the rest of the house is his.  He also still thinks the master bedroom should be his, but, Patchy defends that territory well if anyone else encroaches. (The door just stays closed most of the time.)  I really wish they could have all gotten along, I loved having Patchy out, but both Fry and Patchy agreed it wasn’t going to work.

The food she’d been on was pretty junk-food-ish though, which she did love and eat. But I wanted everyone on more or less the same diet and the highest quality food I could readily get them.  So I bought a lot of cans of different kinds of food, and kept a list of which ones seemed to be hits and misses. (I still have a dozen cans of the kind nobody liked -- Blue Buffalo Wilderness Salmon -- I’ve been meaning to take to the city shelter).

Around halfway into this experiment I noticed Patchy puking more, so I decided to try to stick with her favorite kinds, which, I thought was helping.

But once I was fully vaccinated this year, it was time to get all the pets to the vet.  I noticed Patchy had still lost some weight, I thought it was due to switching around her food too much earlier, and tried to stick with the things I felt she really liked.

Then, of course, Leela got sick, spent two and a half days in the pet ER and almost died back in April, and then it was like... yeah we’re done being afraid of COVID, we’re done waiting.  It’s time to get them all their checkups.

My regular vet was doing COVID restrictions so no pet owners inside the clinic back then, so they took Patchy (and the others) in without me.  I thought Patchy had lost some weight, but Dr. B. sounded alarmed when he called me with how much lost she’d lost in the last year, about five pounds.  He wanted to do some bloodwork for Patchy, and I said of course go for it.  

He called back, sounding much calmer and was like “her bloodwork couldn’t be more perfect.  Let’s try switching up her food, get her on some sensitive stomach food and let’s see how she’s doing in a couple weeks.”

So two weeks later it did seem like she was doing better, I called Dr. B back and he said to bring her back in a month.

It was my plan to take her back next week when I had some PTO coming.  I admit, later than planned... my last couple of months have been mucn more focused on Leela... who, thankfully, continues to thrive.  But feeling like my time with her is running out, she’s been my main area of concern.

The last few days though, Patchy has really not been eating well.  Sometimes she does OK, sometimes nothing at all.  And then puking every day.  I swapped her back even to a few cans of the Junk Food (Whiskas) I still had laying around.  She’d eat it... and then puke it up.  And also she... stopped sleeping with me.  I thought... well, it’s summer.  It’s probably too hot to cuddle.  But she stopped laying on the bed.  She stopped coming up for pets when I come to bed and hang out for awhile specifically to spend time with her and pet her.  She runs under the bed again when I come into the room.  It’s like we regressed to three or four years ago... just two weeks after our two year anniversary of getting to pet her.

So this afternoon we went to the vet.  Getting her into the carrier sucked.  I tried nice methods, then I had to scare her into the closet by running the vacuum, and then pretty roughly grab her.  I have scratches and a pretty deep bite on my thumb which either maybe hit a nerve or is infected, may have to go to the doctor for it tomorrow. (Yes, washed it thoroughly with soap as soon as I could.)  I also hated betraying her trust that badly, but it’s for her own good.  But it was rough.

Dr B. wasn’t working so I saw one of the other vets.  I liked him. Also COVID restrictions are gone so I got to go inside. But after talking to him for a few minutes, going over her history and what changes I’ve made, he spent a long time rubbing her intestines (Patchy was perfectly behaved, at least.)   Then he looked concerned.  Then he said let’s do an ultrasound.

A few minutes he came back in and showed me her scans. 

Lymphoma.

I was a bit stunned for a second so I missed a bit of the technical speak he said next, but it came down to the best thing we could do is give her some medicine that may buy her more time.  It doesn’t sound like Chemo or Operating is even really an option.  I’m going to call back tomorrow and see if Dr. B or the vet I talked to can talk me through it a little better now that I’ve had a chance to digest.

If I can get Patchy to take the medicine, and if she responds well to it... she may have 3 - 6 months left.

If she won’t take it, or if she doesn’t respond, it’s at this point, a matter of her comfort and quality of life.  So... weeks.  And I’m worried about getting her to take the medicine, especially since she won’t even come let me pet her and we just had a huge trust betrayal today. I don’t know if I could take her spending her last few weeks hating me, especially if the medicine doesn’t work.

The vet also told me that... I didn’t do anything wrong.  And we did the right thing six or so weeks ago by changing her food and seeing if a few other things worked. Especially with how good her blookwork looked.  He barely felt the cancer today, he said six weeks ago Dr. B wouldn’t have been able to feel it at all.  And for this particular type of lymphoma... there’s not a lot to be done, anyway.  That made me feel better, at least.

(As a really dumb side note, after I got her home, I sat down to eat dinner and watch an episode of Star Trek to take my mind off of all of this since I’d been crying since I found out, paid my bill, and drove home, stopping at a drive through so I didn’t have the mental load of cooking.  And I’m in the middle of my rewatch of Enterprise.  I bet any trekkies reading this can guess what episode was next in my rewatch because yep I’m in season two and A NIGHT IN SICKBAY started playing, of course, so obviously I NOPED THE FUCK OUT OF THAT EPISODE.  For the non-Trekkies.... the Captain has a dog on board, an adorable beagle, Porthos.  The dog gets sick and almost dies and spends his night in Sickbay.  He does pull through.  But the ONE episode centered around a beloved pet getting sick and almost dying... and that’s the episode that fate decreed I was supposed to watch tonight. I did not.  I don’t know if I can watch it anytime soon.)

So now for the next few weeks I will spend my time being grateful that Leela is alive and thriving and pray she keeps doing so -- I will continue to give her extra love and care and attention, and also I will need to do the same for Patchy.  I can’t even do it at the same time because Patchy will not come out here, and will not allow Leela in her room. 

I am low-key freaking out that there’s the possibility of the nightmare scenario happening to me again.  In winter 2016, after months of being sick, I woke up on Christmas morning and my 16-year-old cat Jim had died overnight.  It was terrible, and traumatic, and I had to deal with everything all alone because anyone who could support me was... well, it was Christmas morning and my family was all out of town, too.  Posting about it on Tumblr... actually really helped me, since it’s the only place I felt like I could talk about it.

That Christmas was on a Sunday.

Wednesday morning I woke up to hearing my dog, Cebu, moaning in pain.   I rushed him to the vet, but whatever happened overnight, it was too late, maybe there wasn’t anything we ever could have done even if I’d been awake when the puking started.  The vet said the kindest thing we could do was put him to sleep.  And we did.

Also I just, JUST now realized that the vet who helped put Cebu to sleep was the same vet who I saw today about Patchy.

But I lost two of my pets within 3 days of each other.  I was very lucky that my job let us have the week between Christmas and New Years off that year.  I had a few days to pull myself together, and I needed it.  It took months to recover totally, though.  Every once in awhile I think about that week and I still cry, though.  I miss them both so much and they both had deaths that were less than ideal.

I remember thinking then “I have like, five years of reprive.  Leela will be sixteen in five years, and that’s when I have to start to worry again, when I have to be ready to say goodbye again.”

I thought then that even after that I’d have two or three years until Patchy would leave me, and two or three years past that until Fry.  And then five more years with Pemily.

Right now I’m realizing that I will likely lose Patchy, very best case in six months, but possibly before July is over.

I need Leela to keep thriving.  I don’t know how I would handle losing another two so close together again.

Patchy is... she’s the one who chose me.  I chose my other cats.  Fry and Pemily I plucked from the backyard when they were tiny kittens and brought them inside.  They didn’t have a choice.  Leela I adopted from a rescue, she didn’t have a choice.  Patchy chose to stay.  She chose to stick around when she realized I’d feed her.  It took years but she learned to trust, she chose to come inside when it was cold, when it was hot, when it was storming, and when she was pregnant.  She chose me to help raise the last litter of kittens she’d ever had.  (My entire Rescue Kitties tag is full of adventures in finding, raising and usually adopting out strays. Lots and lots of posts about Patchy and her final litter.  Been awhile since I’ve done it, though.)

I used to joke that Patchy was my roommate, not a pet.  She ate, drank, did her business, and kept to herself for a long time.  Don’t get me wrong, she was a very good, quiet, considerate roommate and I loved her.  But it wasn’t until that wonderful day she let me pet her that I felt like she was my pet. 

I loved having her just hanging out living in the house since 2014, but the last two years especially have brought me such joy.  I’ve tried to never take Patchy’s trust in me for granted.  It was EARNED.  Every small step forward was a milestone to be celebrated. I worked for every bit of trust and love Patchy has given me, and have been rewarded.  And it was worth it.  Every minute.  Every long, patient year.

Even now I’m telling myself... without me, she would have died years ago.  Probably violently, or starved, maybe frozen to death.  Getting to die of cancer brought on by older age is not something that most feral cats ever get to do.  Getting to become an inside kitty where she’s loved, and comfortable for the second half of her life was something remarkable, brought on by her wiles and will to survive for so many years, bolstered by the food I left out for her.  She’s had this much time, this much life, this much comfort and love that she would have never had otherwise, and that’s something to be happy about.

I’ve watched dozens of ferals come and go through my neighborhood throughout the years.  I feed them, I work on seeing if I can get them to trust me enough to let me TNR them, but even those that I have, I don’t keep seeing for much longer.  There’s one right now, I jokingly call him Patchy’s Boyfriend.  He still won’t trust me and never has fallen for the trap when I’ve tried.  But he’s there most nights when I feed him around 11.  He’s getting terribly thin despite the quality food I leave out.  I’ll miss him.

But none of them were Patchy.  None of them became what she is to me. None of them survived long enough to adapt and decide to live another life.

Also?  I wouldn’t have Pemily without her.  Pemily is literally Patchy’s Granddaughter and that is one more thing I love Patchy for.

I feel guilty sometimes, both because I don’t spend nearly enough waking hours with her I feel, but I have three others who need me, as well. One who’s time is growing short, as well.  And they don’t get to sleep with me, she does.  What a joy it was all winter when I would wake up and she’d be sleeping on my chest.  I’d get a bit annoyed when she’d sleep with her backside to my face and her tail would tickle my face and wake me up.  I’m a side-sleeper half the night and she hated that it was harder to get comfortable on me that way.  She still doesn’t want to have my hand just stay on her, she wants pets and skirtches, no long-form touching.  That’s ok.  I sleep better with her weight on me.

I don’t know what the next few weeks or months will hold, but at least pet-wise, it’s going to be rough.  I’m going to wrap this up and give these three out here a good pet, then go hope Patchy comes and asks for love, too.  Tomorrow is one more day with all four of them, and for that, I’ll be grateful, for every remaining day.

[bittersweetlikecoffee]

Like shout-out to my forever partner. He's the best and real, real, real one. Get you a man who won't judge you for admitting to having nightly panic attacks and night terrors but instead supports you without any judgment whatsoever. And, bonus, no matter what refuses to leave your side no matter how much you insist you're too damaged.

Y'all this year has been a lot on me--mentally, emotionally and physically. Hell, spiritually. Losing my grandmother...moving...job hunting...trying additional options in the meantime while job hunting...grappling with the reemergence of my mental health issues...on and on...trying to look for apartments...stressing over money issues. It's been a lot and tiring and I'm so fucking tired I want to cry. I'm so tired. I'm so angry at everything symptom wise crippling me. This feels like it's honestly too much. I wish I could like tear this out of myself at times, but... I know I can't give up. So I won't.

But y'all I'm just so thankful for my fiance. He's held me down. Seriously. This is like recompense for me holding him down when he mentally and emotionally needed it. This is what a strong and healthy relationship is all about. I'm so incredibly thankful that he keeps me calm and can hold me and soothe me. I'm thankful that he allows me to vent and doesn't pressure me on my really, really bad days. I'm thankful that he's understood me when I told him I needed help. It's hard to admit that because for awhile I was stabilizing and things were looking up. I want to cry, seriously. Just...support systems are so, so, so important when it comes to mental health. I want to thank my friend too because she's been super sweet and loving and just there for me. She's been very kind and never turns me away or anything. She's almost always willing to listen and these past months have been loaded.

The ability to have someone in your corner when you're regressing and you can recognize it is imperative. I know I won't be hospitalized. I just believe that I won't regress that badly ever again. I cannot. I cannot do it again. It's too much to hit a reset button again at this interval of my life. To be truthful, I'm fucking terrified of that possibility so I'm avoiding getting to that stage. But I also know that I need help. I need to find a therapist and I need to journal again, and I know I cannot manage this on my own anymore. There's too many variables that I won't go into for personal reasons that have brought me to this place.

I'm rambling. I don't even know wtf the purpose of this is anymore, tbh. I guess that chronic anxiety and depression can suck a lot sometimes. Not being able to get out of bed or struggling to, not being able to fall asleep and stay asleep for days and weeks on end, and not being able to leave the house...can be debilitating. So...idk...I won't post about this for a while.

Why?

My blog isn't centered on my mental health. I didn't create it with any centrally focused topic in mind. It's literally supposed to be as the description entails: reblogs and the very occasional personal post or life update. That's it. I already felt like I've divulged too much. I'm not looking for advice. I appreciate it all the same but I'm really not looking for it. I'm just tired...mentally and emotionally. I might need to go back on meds and that's fine. I'm at a time in my 10+ years of having mental illnesses in my life that I can wholly accept that. It's liberating to be at a point where I can admit that trying to go med-free worked for a bit and now... I've realized it's not anymore and that's okay. It doesn't make me weak. It doesn't make anyone weak.

And I just want to say that this applies to literally anyone else that's in the mental health community. If you need to go back on medications or decide to then it's YOUR decision. The same applies if you decide to stop, it is YOUR decision. There's nothing wrong with regression or relapse or whatever you want to label it as or term it. It's part of the process. Therapy has armed me with that and it's keeping my head above water right now. Years ago, I would have been in a way worse headspace at this junction than I am now, had it not been for group and individual counseling. But yes, for a while now I've realized I need medication again to help balance me out.

As for anyone wanting to quit medication? All I would say is to make sure you stop with the consent of your psychiatrist/doctor and to do it in steps. Titrate down. Don't stop cold turkey. Don't ever stop cold turkey. Psych meds can have lasting side effects that are both unpleasant and can be harmful and dangerous if you do.

Anyway, I'll lurk here and there. I will continue to post however infrequently. I will pop in every now and then. I'll reblog content I like or find interesting. I just don't think anything else needs to be said really. 2020 was shitty. The pandemic was horrid. 2021 was emotionally draining, at one time cathartic, angering, saddening, lonely, and incredibly difficult most days for a lot of personal reasons. But I'll get through this because I'm strong. And you will too. It will get better. 🥺🙏🏾

Xoxo

[werelesbian]

Lesbian has been a word that has been negatively used since I was a child. When I was a little kid I was told “You can’t be gay or marry outside of your own race” by my father. I must’ve bottled that up for years. I’ve always looked at girls since I was a kid. I remember one of my earliest memories being from when I was about 7 and thinking a lady with a green shirt was really pretty. I also always remember staring at boobs and butts, A LOT. I always had an interest in girls, I just didn’t realize it.

When sexuality became to become known, one of my friends came out as bisexual and I flipped out. Being gay was always seen as bad to my family and thus I had to follow it. When “I Kissed a Girl”, “She Keeps Me Warm” and “Same Love” were on the radio, I became very anxious and changed the pronouns to prove I wasn’t gay. I couldn’t be gay right? Even though I have looked at girls before and I remember staring at my friend’s brother’s ceiling with a picture of a woman in a bikini.and being mesmerized by it.

As I got older, the concept of being gay became normalized to me. I came out as pansexual because that’s what I thought I was at the time. I maybe had one “crush” on a boy, but more numerous ones on girls. My friend, a camp counselor, and my mom’s friend’s daughter.

High school finally rolled around and I went through my first stage of questioning. I cycled through labels until I came to bisexual. That’s what I believed to be best. Then the crushes on girls flooded in. The first crush I recognized I had on a girl was my friend’s ex girlfriend. I wanted her! But when my friend asked her out I was crushed. “Oh well I thought, I’ll have to live with it”. I tried to third wheel in their relationship, probably due to lingering feelings. Then I developed a crush on another girl, a good friend of mine. I asked her out to TOLO, but she said no and I cried. Straight girls cry when they get rejected by girls right? I almost asked a guy friend of mine as a rebound but then decided against it.

Later on since both of my friends were dating, I decided that I should to. I chose a guy who I thought was ‘cute’ and we went out a few times. He even asked me to homecoming the next year where he kissed me. I felt nothing by it and very awkward. Him and I went out again a few more times but I didn’t really feel much for him. I liked the kissing somewhat but that was about it. I think I was more excited by feeling rebellious. My friends pushed the label of ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ onto us, but it was awkward. But I still went along with it.

At the beginning of sophmore year, I had to attend eating disorder treatment and I was drawn to another girl there. She was so cool and I wanted to be close to her and spend time with her. Too bad nothing ever came of it. That same year however, I also developed a crush on another girl in my French class. When she walked in, it was like time slowed down, I was SO attracted to her. We even sat next to each other in class and boy, did she make me nervous. I felt things that were different than even being with that guy I was with. Even seeing her years later, my eyes still were drawn to her like a damn magnet. She was gorgeous.

In junior year, my friends began to have sex and lose their virginities. I felt left behind and wanted to fit in. There was always a craving for it, especially since I always felt ‘different’ and left out, even since I was a kid. I was bullied too and with a sweet blend of my low self esteem and depression, I followed trends. This was just another one of them. I made a ‘pact’ with myself that year to get a boyfriend for the sole purpose to lose my virginity and I did. I also developed a weird obsession with two guys that year. I dressed up and daydreamed scenarios in my head of them liking me. I wanted them to want me, but I’m not sure if I wanted them. But I also did end up achieving my goal that year. I got the boyfriend and lost my virginity. I did what I had to do. Even though it was awkward and I felt numb after it. It resulted in me having 2 months of extreme anxiety due to a fear of being pregnant.

In the relationship, I didn’t feel much, or not at all for the guy. I leaned on him for support due to my dysfunctional family. It was an escape. I eventually broke it off with him and got over the relationship within a week. This started a cycle of waiting for the next boyfriend to come around. The next one eventually did. He was nice and cared for me. He pursued me first and I went with it. I’m glad I didn’t have to have sex with him. It was the easiest relationship I was in because we were more like friends and less like lovers. Then we broke up and I got over him within a week. Rinse and repeat.

The last boyfriend I dated for nine months and I believed at one point I loved him. He cared for me and had a nice family I could escape to, when mine was falling apart at the seams. I craved the ‘nuclear family’ unit since I never had in the start. I felt accepted and safe there when I didn’t want to go home to mine. His companionship was nice and all, but I know deep down I didn’t care for him the way he cared for me. He loved me, but I didn’t love him. He wanted to escalate the relationship to the next level and an alarm bell went off in my head. It was a major “NO” to be but I tried to ignore it and said “maybe” to him. I often went along for the ride and never followed what I wanted. We eventually broke up after we were drifting apart. I began to crave sex less and began to hate doing anything with his penis. I tried my best to avoid having penetration and was relieved when we didn’t have to do it. I was so scared of getting pregnant, but deep down it may have been my body telling me that it wasn’t right. I was also relieved when I didn’t have to see him as much. I wanted to be away from him and felt relief when I broke up with him. It took me about a week to get over him.

The cycle almost began again when another guy pursued me but I wasn’t into it. He wanted to go out with me again and I panicked. I didn’t want to see him. All this time when I was dating boys, my sexuality was really repressed but it surfaced in cracks. I’d often create characters who were LGBT+ and the ones I was most obsessed with were often bisexual or lesbian. Most characters I created were never straight, but I turned them so because of my own internalized homophobia. I dealt with it a lot for two years and even showed discontentment with others who were openly queer. I think it was because I myself deep down knew I was like them but was afraid to be ‘different’ due to backlash. I had crafted and dressed myself in a way to be palatable to the opposite sex. I had this deep craving to ‘fit in’, so much so that I neglected my own sexuality and in a way a part of myself.

This year, I met another girl who I fell for. I began to crush hard on her and fell head over heels for her. She made me feel good about myself for once in my life. She was beautiful, kind, smart and had a wicked sense of humor. She was like a dream to me. She was my catalyst. I wanted to kiss her and hold her close. We fell asleep on the phone with each other every night and spend hours talking to each other. It was like two peas in a pod we clicked so well. I also craved her touch, her body, her skin against mine, what her lips felt like. I took notice of the little things in her from the curve of her jaw to the color of her eyes. I wrote her letters and picked flowers that I wanted her to see. I wanted to talk to her all the time.

Although our relationship was short, I will forever thank her for lighting the fire again of my sexuality. When I began talking to her, I began to take notice of girls so much more. My gaze averted from that I had learned to that of what I wanted. Pretty girls made me so nervous and I felt like my damn 14 year old self again. It was like being a kid in a candy store, I was so damn happy! I even bought pride merchandise for the first time in forever. I was okay with being gay. However, I should have never brought it up with any of my family. They said that they’d like me to end up with a boy, asked if I have talked to any boys yet, said I haven’t found the right guy, I’m just x sexuality, etc.

Now I’m scared once again and want to go back into the closet. I’m keeping this close to me. It’s my dirty little secret I guess. Questioning doesn’t help either. I doubt myself all the time and ‘test’ myself to see if I am attracted to men. I feel as if I have to ‘double-check’ to see if I am truly gay. It’s the damn doubt all over again. I also punish myself if I look at girls in a sexual way. Girls in the past thought I had touched them and I felt like a dirty pervert, hell my friend even thinks so. It’s hard for me to allow myself to like women again. I don’t want to be seen as a predator or trying to use them as an experiment. I just want a girl to love and give my all to. I want to be the best damn person I can be for my future girlfriend/wife and I’ll be damned if I can’t do that.

All of this questioning process is so confusing. Am I a lesbian? Am I bi? Maybe I’m just a straight girl in denial doing this because I’m lonely. Fuck who knows. I just know that after being with a woman, I sure as hell don’t want to go back. My attraction to men has regressed. Maybe I’m in a bi-cycle, or maybe it’s my lesbian awakening. Only time will tell. Most queer women I have talked to agree that I am a lesbian. When I call myself gay or lesbian. It makes me feel good, but I feel as if I have to resort to bisexual just in case “Mr. Right” comes along. But he probably never will. In fact, he probably never existed.

I’ve had elaborate fantasies about romance but I never saw a clear face of who the “man” was supposed to be. When I fantasize about sex, I was never there unless it was with another woman, never a man. Another woman always took that place and I’d view it from third person, like watching porn. Women light a fire in me that men do not. I’ve gotten turned on by their bodies and touch in a way that I haven’t with guys. Hell if I know why, but I do. Maybe I really am just gay and that’s okay. Maybe I am a lesbian after all. The word isn’t so “dirty” anymore.

Reading back over this reflection from how I feel about my sexuality back in august, it still really rings true to how I feel. I know I experienced attraction to men in the past, but now I feel more attracted to women more than anything. I hate how my brain tries to make me think that this will all be temporary and I will go back to a straight lifestyle eventually, but deep down I know this is what I want. Not going to lie, I don’t like talking about sexuality with anyone irl other than some of my own friends who also experienced the same thing. I tend to keep things under lock and key because I don’t want people to know about my bisexuality. I can’t change who I am yet I continue to try and disprove that I am attracted to women and try to prove that I am more attracted to men despite not really feeling that way anymore. My sexuality isn’t “fluid”, but my preferences have changed. I just wanna be with a woman possibly in the long run and if I never experience any attraction to a man again, nothing is lost for me. I tend not really to go out of my way to interact with men other than friendships just because it’s not something that I necessarily care for. I just gravitate towards spending time with other women and idk why. I know that’s not indicative of my sexuality or anything. Nothing is indicative of it other than who’ve I’ve been attracted to which is women and men. I hate being bisexual too if I’m going to be honest. There’s no basis for my attraction and experiences vary so wildly that I can’t always relate to anyone but go off what I feel.

Maybe some of the way I act is performative because I wanna escape the idea of being with a man. Maybe if I find the “perfect man”, I can learn to be with him and spend my life with him indefinitely. But that relationship with a man just seems so...unsatisfying. I just can’t do it. With women though, I think I can be with one in the long run. I have my own fears of actually not liking it or that I’m gonna react in a similar way to when I was with men in that something felt off all the time, but I’m unsure if that will happen. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to fall in love with a woman or want to spend my life with one. This all sounds very contradictory I know but this is me getting out my own thoughts. I honestly don’t think I want to be with men again. Does this make me a febfem? Maybe, but I also know that a woman just sounds right to me.

[axwalker]

Tears in Heaven 10: Endings

Synopsis: Alexis O’Brien is about to get married but memories of her old life are coming back to haunt her.

Pairings:  Drake x MC (TRR)

Warnings:  NO ONE UNDER 18 should read this story. This is an 18+ blog.

Mention of child death, mention of depression, grieving

N*FW content!

A/N:  There will be a small epilogue next week, but this is the official ENDING.

I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Thank you so much to all the people that read it, shared it and commented it. Every single like, reblog or comment gave me life! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

@mskaneko​ Thank you for all your amazing insights when you read and your incredibly inspiring edits and mood boards. You’re one of a kind!

@pedudley​ Thank you for pre-reading every chapter and being such a great, supportive friend. Your feedback meant a lot/

@burnsoslow​ The MVP of this whole thing!!  I was so stuck before your brilliant book idea!! Thank you for that and for the hours and hours (and hours) of editing!! Without you I would’ve never been able to write this fic. You’re an amazing friend and human being. THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR HELP.

I LOVE ALL OF YOU SO MUCH ❤️

To catch up: Masterlist

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Pixelberry. The edit at the end of this fic belongs to the talented @mskaneko​

Word count: 7 697 (!!!)

Songs inspiration: Tears in heaven by Eric Clapton

Tagging: @ao719​  @yukinagato2012​ @texaskitten30​ @kingliam2019​ @cordonia-gothqueen​ @bebepac​ @nomadics-stuff​ @cordonianroyalty​ @forthebrokenheartedthings​ @bascmve01​ @gibbles82​ @mom2000aggie​ @gardeningourmet​

Perma: @burnsoslow​ @mskaneko​ @mskaneko​ @pedudley​ @pug-bitch​ @ac27dj​ @twinkle-320​ @kimmiedoo5​  @marshmallowsandfire​  @loveellamae​ @debramcg1106​ @marshmallowsaremyfavorite​  @ravenpuff02​ @princessleac1​ @ritachacha​ @drake-colt-lover-99​

Liam woke up feeling restless. He rolled over in bed, trying to get a few minutes of sleep, but guessed it would be useless. Before taking a long hot shower, Liam called the kitchens so they’d bring him a large jug of strong coffee with his breakfast - he would need it to get through the day. Thirty minutes later, he was sitting on the balcony of his room at Valtoria, sipping his second cup of coffee of the morning and thinking about his fiancée. More than the conversation he had had with Alexis two days prior, it was the one he and his brother had shared the previous afternoon that he was obsessing over.

Since he had met her, he had been head over heels for Alexis. However, even if his love for her was undeniable, the real question was if they were right for each other. Reluctantly, Liam had to admit that he barely recognized himself in the jealous, controlling, manipulative man he had become. And as tempted as he was to blame Drake and his return for the demise of their relationship, deep down, he knew something else was profoundly wrong with them.

Leo was right: He didn’t trust Alexis. Liam wanted to, desperately, but he just couldn’t. The memory of the day he had found her almost dead on her bed still haunted him. Liam had never really gotten over it.

Alexis entered their room and saw Liam sitting with his paper and sipping coffee, lost in his thoughts. Earlier that morning, when she had left Drake’s cabin, she had done so convinced that the only right decision was to marry Liam. However, standing there and watching him, her own words resonated in her head. Liam deserved better. And he did; he deserved better than a life with a woman that would never be able to fully love him. Neither of them would ever be happy if they went ahead with their wedding.

Alexis was scared -- terrified -- of loving Drake again, of facing her grief, but hiding behind Liam couldn’t wouldn’t, be the solution anymore.

“Hi, Li,” she said, sitting on the chair next to him.

“Love.” Liam saw her sad expression and instinctively knew what she was about to tell him.

Alexis hugged herself and took a sharp breath, trying to gather some courage. Her eyes watered as she tried to get the words out. “I’m sorry, Liam.”

Liam’s hand gripped his cup of coffee. “You’re calling off the engagement.”

“I … I wasn’t planning to do it,” she sobbed. “But the more I think about it, the more I realize I’m not good for you, Liam.”

Despite his best efforts, a cold rage overpowered him. “Do not pretend that this has nothing to do with Drake, Alexis.”

“I’m not going to lie. Drake showing up again accelerated things. But our problems have nothing to do with him. Our marriage wouldn’t have lasted. We were asking too much from each other. I would never be happy being a duchess, and I know how badly you want to be a father, Liam. It was selfish of me to ask such a huge sacrifice of you.”

“I don’t care, Alexis. I would do anything for you,” Liam implored. “I know we have problems, but I’m sure that if we work together, we would be able to find a solution.”

She shook her head. “Are you happy with me, Li?”

He brushed his thumb over her cheek. “I love you very deeply, Alexis.”

“That’s not what I asked. You’re constantly worried about me. You don’t trust me. And we never share our problems because we don’t want to burden each other. We never talk about Tom.” She wiped away her tears with the back of her hand.

Liam’s eyes widened. “Did you just say his name?”

She nodded.

“One day with him, and you’re already saying Tom’s name again.” His glossy eyes looked at her. “It’s always been him,” he muttered. “All this time, you didn’t stop loving Drake, did you?” he asked her.

“Liam … please don’t go there,” she begged, more tears running down her face.

“Did you ever even love me?” His voice betrayed the cool façade he was trying to maintain. Incapable of staying put, he stood up in front of the balcony’s railing.

Alexis cut the distance between them and hugged him as tightly as she could. After a moment, she took his head between her hands. “I love you, Liam. And not only because you saved my life, but because you’re an amazing, loving, generous man; because of all the moments we shared together. You gave me a reason to wake up in the mornings. Thanks to you, I was able to smile, to live again. I’ll never forget that.”

“Right ... you’ve always loved me, but you never fell in love with me,” Liam replied bitterly.

At that moment, watching Liam breaking in front of her, Alexis hated herself. “I tried Li. And it has nothing to do with you; I just never really got over … everything.”

Liam wiped a tear from her face. Too heartbroken to talk, he simply took her in his arms and kissed her head.

Alexis took off the engagement ring and placed it in his palm. “I never deserved this. And maybe you don’t believe me right now, but I know you’ll meet someone who will.”

Every word she pronounced felt like he was being stabbed. Liam turned his gaze towards the gardens. “Please leave, Alexis. There is no point in prolonging this anymore.”

Alexis squeezed his hand and left him there. As she walked away, a strong feeling of contrition flitted through her body in response to the tightness in her chest. However, despite her guilt over hurting a good man, Alexis knew she had made the right decision.

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Drake put his syringe and gloves in his bag, patted Thunder on his rump, and left the horse’s stall, rubbing his neck tiredly. After a long day doing the weekly check-ups on the horses of one of his biggest clients, he was shattered. However, working to exhaustion hadn’t worked as well as he had hoped; Alexis and her goddamn stubbornness hadn’t left his mind for a second.

When he finally got home, his heart skipped a beat when he saw Alexis sitting on the steps of his porch, waiting for him.

“Hi, Drake.”

His heart raced as it did every time he saw her. “Hi, Lexie.”

“Can we talk?” she asked, and he detected a slight edge in her voice.

“Of course, Lexie. Let’s go inside.”

Alexis shook her head no. “Actually, if you don’t mind, I’d preferred if we take a walk.”

“Why?” Drake questioned, puzzled.

Because if I enter the house, I won’t be able to leave it again.  “It’s better,” she stated simply.

“Okay.” Drake shoved his hands in his pockets. If she didn’t want to come into the house, that meant she was divorcing him and choosing Liam. He felt the pain of losing her all over again threaten his heart.

Drake and Alexis walked a while next to each other without a word. Inadvertently, they took the path to the lake where they used to fish and have picnics with Tom. Drake glanced over her; the look in her eyes was not sad as he had expected but determined. She was wearing the fierce expression that meant she had made a decision.

They sat in the old wooden pier next to each other. “What do you want to talk about, Lexie?”

Alexis bit her bottom lip. “I broke up with Liam.”

His eyes immediately darted to her left hand. Relieved to see that the ring was gone, Drake exhaled a lightened breath. “Lexie.” He was impatient to kiss her, to feel her again, but something about her demeanor stopped him. An awful thought snaked into his mind. “Do you want to sign the divorce papers anyway?”

Alexis placed her small hands on his large ones. “No. It’s the last thing I want.” She smiled at him.

Drake cupped her face, allowing his thumb to draw soft circles around her lips. “I don’t get it. Why are you so sad?”

“I need to ask you for something.” Drake nodded, still tenderly rubbing her face. “I’m sure that I don’t want a divorce. But I’m not ready to move back here yet.” She took a sharp breath. “I never really grieved Tom, you know? I mean, I did all the four first stages. I was furious at first and then hurt and broken at that clinic. But after my depression, I regressed. I realize now that I’ve been in denial for the past three years.”

Drake wiped her tears again and pulled her close to him.

“My therapist didn’t want me to leave the clinic. She said I wasn’t ready, but I wasn’t a danger to myself anymore, so she didn’t have any other choice but to sign my release. I need to do that now. Finish my therapy, be alone, and I’m sure you’re going to roll your eyes at this,” she joked, “but I need time to find myself. I don’t know who I am anymore, Drake. I don’t do any of the things I used to enjoy. And I feel this guilt that I can’t seem to shake. I feel guilty for the pain that I just caused Liam, but I especially feel guilty about us. About all the things I told you that day.”

“Lexie, please. You have to let that go. You weren’t yourself back then -- neither of us was,” Drake said tenderly.

“I still need to forgive myself.” She squeezed his hands. “Please don’t give up on me, Drake. I just need some time. A few months, maybe,” she pleaded with tears in her eyes.  

It hurt like hell, but he understood. Drake took her face between his hands. “Listen to me, baby, because this is very important. I love you. No matter what. No matter what I’ve done or you’ve done. No matter what will happen. I will always love you.” He interrupted himself to give her a soft kiss and rested his forehead against hers. “If I have to wait for you for the rest of my life, I will. I lost you once, but I swear I will never lose you again. Never.” She smiled through her tears. “This is what I wanted. That you chose whatever was best for you. And I think this is it. I’ll be here at the end, loving you. Okay?”

“Thank you, Drake.” She leaned in to kiss him, and he crashed his mouth with hers in a searing, hungry kiss. After a breathless moment, he forced himself to stop. It was clear that Alexis wasn’t ready for anything else. They shared a few more moments together, then Drake walked her back to her car.

She opened the door but stood next to it, torn between her longing to stay and her need to leave.

“I know you need to go through this alone, but promise me that if it’s too much, you’ll call me, Lexie. Day or night.” Drake said as he gently tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

“I promise.” Alexis kissed him again, trying to memorize how much she enjoyed his lips on hers, the way he had to kiss her with all his body. Drake held her as close as he could; if he had his way, he would never let her go.

But Alexis was too confused, too rattled by everything that had happened. She needed to claim her independence and regain control of her life before coming back to him. Watching her leave broke his heart, but he knew that she was worth the waiting.

With tears in her eyes, she got in her car and drove away, hoping that she wasn’t making a huge mistake.

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The first month was arduous. Coming back to therapy and having to deal with Tom’s death proved to be as challenging as Alexis had thought, but she persisted, determined to get better. She and Drake respected their arrangement and didn’t see each other, but whenever a session became too strenuous, or she was at risk of getting depressed, she called him, and they talked for hours over the phone. Drake told her about his experiences in prison and his life in Spain, and she finally spoke about the long months she had been committed to the clinic and her suicide attempt. Each phone call left them hopeful and terribly nostalgic, but Drake never pressured her.

After two months of intense therapy, Dr. Salas, her psychologist, encouraged her to do something for herself. Alexis immediately knew what she needed. For the next four months, she rented a cottage in Portavira and moved next to the beach. It was a small cottage, but it had a porch where she could sit, watch the ocean, and write every day. During that time, Alexis cried a lot, but she also began to take long walks along the beach, hike and swim in the ocean; the calm of the secluded beach and the soothing sound of the waves had a curative power on her. Alexis missed Drake desperately, more and more with every passing day, but she knew that she needed to finish what she had started before coming back to him.

The first days in Portavira, Alexis only managed to write a few lines, but soon an idea began to form in her mind. At first, she refused it; nothing would be more painful than writing that, but Dr. Salas had suggested that it could be cathartic to explore her grief through her words. One afternoon where Alexis was feeling unusually relaxed, she sat in front of her computer with a cold glass of Chardonnay and started typing. She cried her eyes out with every word, but in the end, she felt like a weight had been lifted from her chest. For the first time since her little boy had died, Alexis accepted that while the pain in her chest would never really disappear, she might be able to be happy again.  

The next morning, she called Charlie, her old boss, and sent her the manuscript.

Drake was quickly regaining his excellent reputation among the owners of Cordonian stables and racetracks. Thoughts about Lexie consumed him day and night, so he spent those six months working like crazy. In his spare time, he read, fished, or rode his horse, but he felt restless all the time. One night after talking to her, an idea crept into his mind. He already knew the perfect place, so he made an offer, and when he got it, he devoted all his free time to making it perfect.

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Liam rubbed his eyes tiredly; he had been up working for almost 20 hours straight, trying to figure out a way to bring new investors to Valtoria. He, Hana, and his team had developed a health plan that aimed to offer affordable healthcare to all the duchy’s citizens, but he needed private investors and the help of the Crown to be able to fund it.

At almost 10:00 p.m., Liam leaned against his chair. Hana dropped her pen on the desk and raked her hair with her hands. They both yawned at the same time, which made them chuckle.

“We’re too tired, Hana,” Liam said as he stood up to get a drink from the cart in his office. “Something to drink?”

“Gin, please,” Hana answered, grinning.

Liam couldn’t help but admire how pretty his assistant was. Hana was a special woman; she was smart and kind, and she cared about Valtoria almost as much as he did. He always had fun in her company.

Alexis had left him six months ago. The first two months had been hell; after being in love with her for so long, Liam had had trouble adjusting to the idea that she would never be with him. However, after some time, he realized that Alexis had made the right decision. They weren’t happy together; she had never stopped loving Drake, and he was in love with a woman who no longer existed. Besides, Liam had to admit that he felt lighter and freer without the burden of his constant concern for her. His love for Alexis wasn’t healthy or romantic; it was toxic and harmful for both of them.

Liam handed Hana her gin, smiling at her. “What would you think if I called that place where we had dinner with the French ambassador the other night? We can ask for a couple of Black Truffle Croque Monsieur and some eclairs au chocolat?” he asked playfully, his stomach groaning at the thought.

Hana’s face lit up. “That would be perfect, Liam.”

“You call the restaurant, Hana. I will go look for a bottle of Beaujolais from the cellar.” Liam left his office, grinning. He didn’t know why, but the prospect of spending an intimate moment with Hana made him happier than he had been in a long time.

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Alexis swam for almost an hour. The cold, tranquil ocean was the only place where she could calm her nerves that morning. After four months on the beach, she was going back to Cordonia that same afternoon, hopefully to stay. Charlie had arranged a public reading in a small bookstore in Cordonia to launch her book, and Alexis had invited Drake - the real reason behind her nervousness that morning. A smile formed on her lips from just the thought of him. When she had called him to invite him to the reading, she hadn’t dared to tell him that she was ready, that she couldn’t wait another minute to be with him. Mostly because she didn’t want to do it over the phone.

But also because a part of her was still scared. There was no doubt in her heart; she loved Drake more than anything. But what if they were able to be happy again and another tragedy struck them? If she had to go through the pain of losing him again, Alexis knew without the shadow of a doubt that she wouldn’t be able to recover.

In addition to all of that, there was something she needed to tell him, and Alexis wasn’t sure how Drake was going to react. She stepped out of the ocean and dried herself. When she got to the house, Alexis went to her closet, thinking about what she was going to wear. Butterflies flapped in her stomach, knowing that she was dressing for him, that if everything went well, she would be in his arms that same night — the feeling of being 19 years old all over again washed over her. After a short shower, she applied light makeup and blow-dried her hair. Before leaving the house, she looked at herself in the mirror. It didn’t matter how scared she was; fear had dominated her life for almost five years. It wouldn’t control another minute of it.

Drake turned on the engine of his jeep, his heart racing thinking about her. He had no idea what her book was about, but Alexis had talked about it with that cute voice she had when she was really thrilled about something. Drake could almost see her face if he closed her eyes: her wide, gorgeous smile and a pink blush covering her cheeks with excitement. During their conversation, she hadn’t said anything about their marriage, but Drake knew she wouldn’t have invited him if she wasn’t ready to be with him again. At least he really hoped so. Before going to the library, he made a quick stop. His project was on the right track. He prepared the last surprise for her and then left for the reading.  

The children’s bookstore that Charlie had picked was perfect. Small and cozy, it had a lounge with two large sofas and colorful cushions. Posters of Tom Sawyer’s books and figurines of the Harry Potter and Narnia universes decorated the walls. The owner had moved an antique armchair to the middle of the room, so the kids and their parents would be surrounding Alexis in a half-circle as she told her story. She was greeting the families that her agent had invited when she heard a familiar voice calling her.

“Blossom!” Maxwell ran to hug her. “I missed you so much; I have a million things to tell you!”

She hugged her best friend back. “Hi, Max! I missed you too. How’s the married life?”

“Perfection. Rashad is the best husband in the world. A total control freak, but I knew that already.”

Alexis laughed. “Anyone seems like a control freak compared to you.”

“I guess that’s true.” Max beamed, looking at her. She was wearing a beige mid-length dress with an oversized camel blazer and nude high heels. “You’re gorgeous, by the way.” Her friend gave her a knowing smile. “Drake is going to drop dead when he sees you.”

She gave her friend an anxious smile. “He isn’t here yet.”

“He’ll be here soon, Lexie. Don’t worry,” Maxwell said, placing his hand on her shoulder.

“Darling, everything looks fabulous.” Olivia kissed both her cheeks. “I’m so proud of you,” she said earnestly.

“Come on, Liv. Don’t make me think you’ve gone soft,” Alexis teased.

“I mean it, Alexis.”

“I know you do,” she replied, squeezing her best friend’s hands. “Thank you.”

Charlie interrupted them. “Please take your seats. You need to start, Alexis.”

Alexis sat in the armchair; she glanced at the door one more time, and there he was, looking shamelessly handsome in a white shirt and jeans. Drake winked at her as he sat on one of the sofas next to her. His boyish grin had the power of rendering her speechless. She swallowed her nervousness and opened the book. Drake noticed that it was signed by Alexis Walker, and his smile got wider.

“Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Tom who lived in a small red cabin in the middle of the woods. Every night before bed, his mom and dad sang him lullabies and told him stories of faraway lands, brave princes, and courageous queens. His best friends were Buttons, a little grey rabbit that followed Tom everywhere he went, and Maxie, an enthusiastic fire truck with a loud voice that only Tom could hear. Tom wanted to travel very far; thus, his dream had always been to conquer the faraway lands his parents described to him every night. One sunny April morning, Tom put his wooden sword and blue cape in his backpack and left, followed by Buttons and Maxie, to live the adventures he had dreamed of.”

Alexis looked up and saw Drake staring at her with glossy eyes. He gave her a soft nod, so she turned her eyes back to the book and kept on reading. Perhaps to avoid thinking about his lost son, Drake’s attention focused on her. He looked at her, enraptured. Alexis’ bright brown eyes were almost shining; her silvery voice had the entire room captivated with her story. The inner light he had always loved in her was back, as bright as before. In only a few months, she had managed to regain control of her life and make her dream come true. Every time he thought that he couldn’t possibly admire or love her more, she surprised him again. He was utterly, hopelessly, crazily in love with her.

“… Tom, Maxie, and Buttons had lived an incredible adventure. Tom missed his mom and dad deeply, but he knew that they were waiting for him in their little red cabin in the middle of the woods and that he’d soon come home.”

Alexis closed the book with watering eyes. “Thank you for coming. This book means a great deal to me.” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “I hope you enjoyed it. I’ll be happy to answer questions if you have any.”

One woman holding a little girl in her lap raised her hand and asked the question Drake was dreading. “Is Tom’s character based on someone real?”

Charlie had warned Alexis that she needed to be prepared to answer that. She gripped the book and took a deep breath. “Yes, on my son.” After drinking a gulp of water to control herself, she added, “He’s no longer with us.”

Drake smiled at her sadly but reassuringly when the audience went silent for a few seconds.

Maxwell quickly raised his hand. “Um … I just wanted to know if you’re preparing a sequel.”

Alexis gave him a grateful look. “Not at the moment, maybe later. Thank you for your question, sir.”

A little girl in pigtails asked her a question about Buttons, and a blond boy questioned her about Maxie the fire truck.

After she was done answering and signing copies of the book, she went to meet with Drake, Max, and Olivia.

“I loved it, Blossom! I have to say that Maxie the fire truck is the best character. He seems to be the smartest, funniest, cutest one of them all. Certainly much more than the evil Queen Nevrakis,” Maxwell beamed as Olivia shook her head, for once, more amused than annoyed.

A sudden silence made Olivia realise that Drake and Alexis were looking at each other longingly. She cleared her throat. “I have a date with Jin tonight, so we better get going, Max.”

Maxwell beamed as he hugged both of them. It was unquestionable for anyone who knew them that Drake and Alexis belonged with each other, and nothing could make Max happier than to see them together again. “I’m so happy for you guys! See you soon!”

They both chuckled; Drake brushed Alexis’ hand with his, slowly intertwining his fingers with hers.

“Did you like it?” Alexis asked Drake timidly.

“It was wonderful. The way you described him was simply perfect.” Drake threw her a small smile. “It was our Tom. I admire you so much, Lexie. Thank you for this; I needed it too.” They locked eyes with each other, both their hearts racing.

“I’m ready, Drake,” Alexis blurted out and immediately felt the blush in her cheeks, her heart beating furiously in her chest.  

“Are you sure you’re ready to come with me?” he asked her with his deep voice, an intense longing in his eyes.

“As long as you still want me to,” Alexis gave him a coquettish smile.

He tightened his grip on her hand. “Always, Lexie.” The loving look she gave him back was enough to drive him wild. Drake looked around him; they were in a children’s bookstore surrounded by kids and Alexis’ old boss. Probably not the best place to kiss her as he was dying to.

“I have a surprise for you,” he whispered sheepishly.

Alexis arched her brows. “Really? What is it?” she asked excitedly.

Drake smirked. “A surprise has to be unexpected. As a writer, aren’t you supposed to know definitions of words and shit?”

“Smartass,” she laughed. “I just need to say good-bye to Charlie really quick, and we can go.”

When they got into the car, Drake leaned to her seat and cupped her beautiful face. She let out a soft gasp when he kissed both her cheeks, the corners of her lips, her nose. “I’m going to spend the rest of the night, of my life, kissing every part of you, baby,” he growled in her ear.

If Alexis waited another minute, she would’ve imploded right there, so she crashed her lips on his, making him groan with want. Drake pressed her body against the seat, but an annoying thought made him stop. “Our first time after all this time will not be in the passenger seat of my jeep, Lexie.”

Alexis bit her bottom lip. “Let’s go,” she urged him.

After a short drive, Drake pulled over on the side of the highway. He grabbed a silk tie from the back seat. “I need to cover your eyes.”

“It’s dark, and we’re in the middle of the woods, Walker. Are you trying to kidnap me?” she asked with a flirty tone.

A smug grin spread on his lips. “Actually, that is exactly what I’m going to do. Turn around.” Gently, he placed the tie around her head and tied a knot. “No peeking, Lex,” he said, kissing her head.

She shook her head, now too excited to speak.

After a few minutes, they arrived, and Drake helped Alexis to get out of the car. The feeling of walking in an unknown place with her eyes covered could’ve made someone nervous, but there was no one Alexis trusted more in the world than Drake; he would rather die than let something happen to her. They walked a few inches with him firmly holding her. When they stopped, he pulled her back against his chest, circling her waist with his arm. He leaned to speak in her ear. “Six months ago, in one of our phone calls, you told me how difficult it’d be for you to live in the cabin again. That you would love to start our lives somewhere else.”

Alexis nodded.

“That day, I recalled how much you loved that abandoned house next to the lake. It was small and run down, but you fell completely in love with it. Remember?”

“I do,” she said with a lump in her throat.

They were taking a stroll next to the lake when Alexis saw it. The house was almost in ruins, but according to her, it had significant potential. As it was clearly uninhabited and there was a window open on the ground floor, she climbed through it; Drake followed her, chuckling, with Tom in his arms. Once inside, he had to admit that the house did show promise. They would have to spend a lot of weekends renovating it, but he loved manual work and was sure Alexis would make it as cozy and comfortable as she had made his father’s cabin. Back in their own place, they daydreamed about buying the house and renovating it. She drew a small sketch of what she pictured: a huge kitchen where they could both cook together, a swing for Tom to play, a porch to watch the sunset, and a main room with a skylight where they could see the stars every night. It would take some time and a lot of effort, but they thought the house was worth it. When Drake was about to make an offer to the real estate agency, tragedy overcame them, and they forgot all about it.

Drake uncovered her eyes, and she gasped. They were standing in front of the house, but it had changed. Drake had spent the last five months working on it every minute of his spare time. The old washed-out exterior was now a beautiful wooden façade with a large, wide-pillared porch in the front.

He held her tightly. “Now this is the exterior. There’s still a lot of renovation work to do inside. You’ll see.”

Alexis had happy tears in her eyes. “I … I can’t believe you did this, Drake. It’s gorgeous.” She turned around, and he cupped her face and gave her an intense, searing kiss.

“Come on, I want to show you the rest,” he said when they finally parted, breathless. Drake grabbed her hand, and they laced their fingers together.

They stepped into the house, and even if Drake was right and the first floor still needed a lot of work, Alexis wandered around happily with her heart full. “I love the kitchen! We can have a large counter here,” she said, pointing to one side of the room. “What would you think about a thick wood table?”

Alexis’ face reflected so much excitement and enthusiasm that Drake couldn’t help but grin at it. His gaze followed her as she pranced all over the house with a thousand ideas of how to renovate every corner of it.

“So I gather you like it?” he asked, arching an amused eyebrow.

“Like it? I love it, Drake! It’s perfect. I’d like to move here as soon as possible!”

Drake couldn’t help but smile tenderly at her. “Are you sure? We can stay in the cabin for a few more months while we do the renovation work here.”

“If the water is running, I’d prefer to stay here,” she answered with an earnest smile. “This is us, Drake. Ours. A new life together. I’m not running from our past, and I never want to forget Tom,” she said, brushing a small tear with her hand. “I just want to start over in a place where we can create new memories.”

“If that’s really what you think, there’s a room that’s already finished.” He threw her a quizzical smile. “Do you remember the drawing you did of how we pictured our house?”

Alexis let out a spontaneous laugh that made Drake's heart leap. “I would barely call the doodles I made drawings, but I remember the moment, yes.”

“Well, I hope I did the doodles justice.” Drake held his breath as he opened the door.

Alexis gasped; he had remembered everything she had dreamed of. A soft, fluffy carpet. A big bed full of cushions, a fireplace warming the room, and the skylight over the bed. The moon and stars lit up the whole room through it.

Mesmerized, she took off the blazer she was wearing, and Drake’s eyes widened. The beige dress she had underneath was tight and hugged every single curve of her body. Suddenly, Drake was very aware of the taunting way she moved; she turned her back on him to look at the fireplace, and his eyes went straight to her bare upper back and the delicate line of her neck. Blushing, he moved to readjust himself. Her thrilled voice pulled him out of his thoughts.  

“I love it, Drake. Every single part of it! The skylight is exactly how I’d imagined it!” He took off his own jacket and rolled up his sleeves. “What?” she asked, catching her bottom lip between her teeth when she realized he was looking intently at her.

“Are you wearing that for me?” Drake’s low baritone and sexy smile made her blush crimson red.

“Maybe,” she answered with the most innocent look in her eyes but a sultry voice.

Drake cut the distance between them; even with her sexy nude heels, he towered over her. “Don’t give me that innocent look, baby,” he growled. “Or I won’t be able to control myself.”

Alexis leaned towards him, her hands playing with his collar. “See, Drake, that’s the thing. I don’t want you to control yourself.”

He swept her off her feet. She looped his neck in a burst of roaring laughter. “I want you so fucking much, Lexie,” he told her as he gently dropped her on the bed. Their bed. He hovered over her, holding his weight up with his right arm.

She hid her nose on his neck, inhaling the intoxicating sandalwood. “Me too, Drake.”

“You deserve the world,” Drake said, staring at her almost black eyes looking at him adoringly. He wanted nothing more than to make this night last as long as he possibly could. “It’s been four years that I’ve been thinking about this moment,” he said, gently kissing her cheek. “Four years that I’ve dreamed of making you mine again.” He growled at her ear as he nipped it. “And now, I finally have you here --” He softly bit her neck. “-- all for myself.” He kissed her collarbone as he slowly unzipped her dress. “This damn dress is making me wild, Lexie.”

As he rubbed his thumb on her lips and cheeks, Alexis’ heart beat so fast, she was sure he could hear it. Finally, he kissed her, and time stopped. His lips felt so soft on hers, his tongue so passionate when it slowly entered her mouth, intertwining with hers. His strong hand cupped her head as he deepened the kiss. Suddenly the need became urgent, and he moved to her neck, possessed by the need to claim her. Drake softly sank his teeth in her, making an exhilarated moan escape from her throat.

Slowly, he pulled the dress’ front zipper down, peppering sultry kisses on every inch of skin he discovered, until only her lacy underwear was left. He pulled her to him and kissed her senseless as he unclasped her bra. Her beautiful breasts appeared, her buds erect, ready for him to kiss them. Drake softly flicked his thumbs over them. Then his tongue tasted them, taking pleasure in the sight of Alexis arching her back for him. He took a deep breath until all he could smell was her cherry fragrance. With a cocky smile, he pulled down her last piece of underwear, leaving her completely exposed and vulnerable to him.

“You’re so fucking gorgeous, Lexie,” he groaned as his eyes wandered over her body lit up by the moonlight, and his calloused hands moved down her body, rubbing her face, her breasts, her hips, a trail of excited goosebumps appearing everywhere he touched. “And you are all mine.”

Alexis gave him a flirty smile. “I want to see you too, Drake.” She softly pushed him up until they were both on their knees.

The sight of her naked, kneeling in front of him and undressing him with nervous fingers, desperate to kiss him, to touch him too, almost killed him. She undid his jeans and let her hand wander around his cock. He drank in the sight of her, enjoying her soft, small hand around him for a moment. Her soft, skilled strokes on his impossible hard length felt incredible, but after all the months, the years they had spent apart, he wasn’t going to last long if she continued. “I won’t be able to resist much longer, baby.” He grabbed her wrist. “And there are a lot, a lot of things, I want to do to you first. Lay down,” he growled, standing up to toss off the rest of his clothes.

Alexis felt like she was on fire, ready to explode. Drake’s lips kissing her legs, her knees, and her inner thighs only made the fire wilder. She gripped the sheets when she felt his hot mouth on her, kissing the soft skin around her clit.  

“It drives me insane how wet you already are for me, Lex,” he said, parting her lips with his tongue and softly entering her, inebriating himself with her taste.

“Drake, god! Drake,” she chanted again and again as his expert tongue and fingers explored her, thrust inside of her. Feeling the heat build more and more, she tugged his hair, making him smile against her warm skin. Finally, she reached a point of no return and screamed his name again.

Drake smirked. “Fuck, I’ve missed that, baby.”

Still panting, she managed to answer in a soft voice. “Me too, Drake.” Drake caught her lips in a slow, tender kiss as she came down from her high.

“Come here,” he whispered, scooping her and sitting her in his lap. Alexis straddled him, enveloping his torso with her legs. Cradling her with his arms, Drake’s desperate lips ravaged her neck, alternating soft kisses with small bites. Her back arched, giving him full access to her breasts that he cupped, his thumbs slowly circling her hard nipples again. Alexis rolled her hips against him.

Drake chuckled against her neck. “Are you trying to tell me something, Lexie?”

“I need you now, Drake,” she moaned. His cock was already throbbing, but he felt like he was going to burst at her words

“Whatever you want, Alexis.” He positioned himself with the tip of his dick, teasing the little nub of her center. “Look at me, baby. I want to see your pretty eyes as I enter you.”

She locked her burning eyes with him, and he grabbed her hips, confidently guiding her body to enter her folds slowly, giving her time to adjust to him.

The world, the moon, and the stars, everything around them faded. Each set of eyes only saw each other, reflecting the passion, the excitement, the deep love they felt.

“I love you, Lexie,” Drake whispered as he slowly moved inside of her, adoring her smell, the way she moved, how she moaned his name.

“I love you too, Drake,” Alexis whispered back, reveling in the sensation of him filling her completely. Of her heart racing with every delicious thrust. Of his strong arms holding her tightly, safely. Of his hands caressing her back. “I feel you everywhere, Drake, god.”

They rocked their hips at the same pace, increasing speed as their movements became more passionate, more desperate. He ground into her powerfully, feeling her walls tighten around him. The sensation was unbelievable, an exceptional connection that neither of them could ever experience with anyone else. “Come with me, baby,” he whispered as his hand reached her center, allowing his thumb to rub the little nub in it, making her lose her mind. Alexis couldn’t formulate a coherent thought, let alone talk, as the most intense wave of pleasure of her life came cresting over her. A powerful “Drake!” escaped her lips as she climaxed.

His name on her swollen lips and the way she was still vibrating against him pushed him over the edge.

“Mine, Lexie, mine,” he growled, marking her neck as he filled her in complete ecstasy.

He pulled her into his chest, both of them silently enjoying their descent from heaven.

He held her tightly, kissing the top of her head as he lazily rubbed her back, incapable to stop touching her.

“A penny for your thoughts, Lexie.”

She looked at him through her eyelashes, smiling.

“I was just thinking about how absolutely perfect this was.” She stroked his chiseled abs with her hand.

He smirked. “You’re perfect, baby. A fucking work of art.”

Alexis smiled against his chest, a pleasant feeling of utter happiness settling in her chest.

Part of the night was spent with tender whispers, passionate touches, and shared laughs. The rest, they spent rediscovering every nook and hidden corner of each other’s bodies as if they were trying to recoup the last five years in a few hours. Finally, the morning lights caught them sleeping tangled in each other’s bodies. Drake opened his eyes first, smiling as he hadn’t done in five years.

“Good morning, baby,” he whispered in her ear, waking her up.

“Nuh, uh, too early.” She hid her head under the pillow.

“You have to see this, Lexie. Wake up,” he said softly, kissing her bare back.

“God, I’ve forgotten how good you are at motivating a girl.”

Drake chuckled. “Come here.”

Wrapped in the sheets with Drake hugging her tightly from behind, Lexie sat on the porch in front of the lake, and she understood why he had woken her up. In front of her eyes, a sumptuous spectacle of pink, ochre and golden sun rays extended over the glowing lake. It was the most stunning sunrise she had ever seen.

“There’s something I need to tell you that might change your mind about us,” Alexis warned him cautiously. She bit her lips, feeling remorseful. She should have discussed it the day before, but selfishly, she had wanted to enjoy the night with Drake.

He almost laughed at the idea. “Nothing would change my mind, Lexie. Test me.”

She took a deep breath and let the sentence out as fast as she could. “I don’t know if I ever want any more children, but I don’t think so.” She carefully gauged his reaction as she asked. “Do you?”

“I don’t know,” he answered sincerely. “I didn’t for a long time; I was adamant. ” He looked tenderly at her. “Now, I’m not so sure, but I do know that the idea scares the shit out of me.”

Alexis let out a relieved breath. “Me too.”

“I’ll tell you this. We’ll revisit the idea in a few years, but we won’t do it unless we’re both sure. Deal?”

“And what if I don’t change my mind, and you do?” she asked worriedly.

“Then we won’t, Lexie. All I want out of life I have right here,” he said, holding her even tighter. “Nine years ago, in my vows, I told you that I loved the fire in your eyes and how much you love life. I told you that I would always take care of that gorgeous inner light of yours. But I didn’t do a great job.” Alexis was about to protest, but Drake put his thumb on her lips, smiling. "I promise that I’ll devote the rest of my life to making you happy. I’m so proud of you, of everything you are, Lexie. I love you more than I did back then, much more.” He opened his palm, where he had their wedding rings in his hand. “I always knew that one day we would be wearing these again, Mrs. Walker.”

Alexis beamed. “I love you, too. You have no idea how much. For years, I felt lifeless, and now just looking at you, my heart hammers, Drake. You take away the emptiness, the sadness. You make me so incredibly happy.”

A bittersweet tear escaped from her eyes when she extended her hand and watched, immensely moved, how Drake slid her wedding band and engagement ring on her finger. Then she put his on.

Relieved, she turned her head up and caught his lips in a delicious, deep kiss.

Drake noticed a small, tiny tear. “What’s up, Lexie?”

“I was really convinced that I could never feel this extremely elated again, and now that I do, I also feel …” She stopped in her tracks.

“Guilty. You feel guilty for feeling happy.”

She nodded slowly.

“Me too.” Drake rubbed her cheek with his hand. “I think we have to learn to live with that, baby. Tom will always be here. He’ll always hurt.”

Alexis snuggled against him as Drake drew her into his arms. A loving smile spread on her lips; no matter how difficult or painful their grief would be in the future, they would be facing it togther.

The End.

[isthemicon]

Writers really did Blair dirty in s5

*super long post because I’m angry as hell*

There was a time when I thought that season 5 is overhated. I’ve been telling myself that sure, Blair is acting unlike herself but that’s because this season is looking at her from more psychological angle and it’s looking at her character more deeply.

But then I’ve rewatched it and I’ve realized that they’ve ruined Blair completely. The depth that I was seeing is in maybe 3-4 episode and is often overshadowed by other things. And usually the deep moments are happening through other characters.

Blair in s5 is barley her own person, she does nothing that isn’t related to her relationships, she isn’t working on her status, position, career. Her whole character arc is regressed to her trying to figure out which guy should she choose or how to make the relationship she is in work.

I mean come on even Nate and Serena have bigger stories and actually do things outside their relationships.

Blair barley ever even makes her own decisions, someone else makes them for her or has to push her to make them.

In other seasons her love life is a big part of her story but in the same time she is doing something else as well.

In s1 she is trying to build her position in school, in s2 she is fighting for Yale and her position in school, in s3 she is trying to figure out her life at NYU and trying to build her position outside high school, in s4 she is going to Columbia and trying to start a career, even in s6 despite its ridicules soap opera like plot she is building her career.

And in s5? Let me tell you what Blair does in each episode of season 5

Recap of all of the episodes

05x01 Blair returns from Monaco, and the whole episode we see her trying to be able to plan the wedding. Wait is pregnant? No it’s Dorota, joking Blair is pregnant too

05x02 Blair is trying to hide her pregnancy from the royal family, while Beatrice and Dan are snooping. That’s all.

05x03 Blair is trying to figure out who is the father. Of course she can’t makw the decision on her own so Dan needs to force her to do it because of course she can’t do it on her own (still very nice friendship moment). I like ending of this episode, it’s deep and sad and emotional. And tells a lot about her mental state and what is going inside of her.

05x04 Blair is trying to convince Louis that Dan’s book is just a fiction, she is angry because the book threatened her relationship, not becuse it affected her career like in Serena’s case, not because she didn’t like the way she was portrayed like Nate and Rufus, it just that it made her fiancé doubt.

05x05 Blair and Louis tell their family about the pregnancy. Eleanor is unhappy (the only one that has a normal reaction) but then they have a beautiful mother and daughter moment but it’s a moment of Eleanor’s depth not Blair’s. Oh and also Blair is pawn in the battle called “where should they live? Which grandma will have more to say?”

05x06 Blair is trying to choose her bridesmaids (entertaining episode and shows her power, still resolves around her relationship). Probably one of the the very few were she is actually doing something.

05x07 Blair is trying to provoke Chuck to show that he hadn’t really changed. And Chuck and Dorota have to form a plan to make sure she believes he didn’t because she will be more comfortable with her relationship with Louis, again it’s not Blair making the decision someone else has to make it for her.

05x08 Blair has a bridal shower. The trouble is Serena is making it seem it’s not like Blair would like it so she is sad, but no it was a lie she has a perfect suprise party, oh and Louis is a jerk and wants to make her believe her friends aren’t her friends. She takes a break from Louis (good for you girl)

05x09 Blair is following Chuck because he had changed and she wants her fiancé to change as well. One of the lowest moments, Blair is absolutely heartless and selfish in her plan. (A very deep scene in the end but it’s coming from Chuck and just happening to Blair)

05x10 This episode I like it’s actually very deep. We are exploring her fear of being alone and her trying to figure out what’s the best thing to do. If she should listen to her heart and choose Chuck or if she should listen to reason and stay with Louis. We see Dan understanding her and trying to help her. That’s a real good episode.

05x11 Another deep episode exploring Blair’s trauma after the accident. Not gonna say anything bad about as I actually like it and here I think the focus on her being unable to stand on her own is important. And her losing her real self is actually very undrstandble here.

05x12 Blair has a bachelorette party and everybody is able to outsmart her and out plan her and Blair doesn’t see a thing. She needs others to save her because again she can’t do anything on her own. Oh and Chuck is following her.

05x13 Blair is getting married, this episode has some depth and action but again Blair does nothing on her own, Eleanor, Chuck, Serena, Louis talk to her and she just responds. But in end she wakes up and tries to run away. Finally she make her own decision.

05x14 Blair is running away from her wedding, Dan is helping her, Serena and Chuck are looking for her. But in the end Blair has one big moment when she takes responsibility and decides to stay in the marriage, doesn’t allow Chuck and her mother to buy her out.

05x15 Blair is back in the city for Valentine’s, goes to the party at Chuck’s place forcing him to leave his own party, she is followed by some woman with the most annoying accent. She is trying to play a cupid, Dan kisses her, Serena is mad, Blair is trying to explain it. The end

05x16 Blair is trying to convince Serena there’s nothing going on between her and Dan. She finds out what’s in a book and realizes Dan has feelings for her. So she decides she may want to start the relationship so she kisses Dan in front of Serena as her grandmother is dying. Sure Blair is doing things but that’s all relationship related, she is not even yet divorced and she is already thinking about going into another relationship.

05x17 Blair thinks she maybe able to get out of her marriage and be able to be in a new relationship, turns out no, she goes to Cece’s wake. She finds out about the video,Chuck and Dan fight for her, she tells Chuck she can’t be with him right now, photo of her and Dan gets out, meaning she will need to divorce and pay dowry. But Georgina says she might be able to help her out.

05x18 Blair tries to have sex with Dan and tries to be able enjoy it so she gets drunk. That’s honestly the whole plot of her story in this episode. (The worst episode in the whole show)

05x19 Blair is about to sign divorce paper, refuses to talk to Chuck, Dan is worried about the papers and tells her Chuck paid her dowry she accuses Chuck of trying to buy her, he tells her she was never meant to find out, she is sad because of the fact she will no longer be in the royal family. She doesn’t come to the conclusion that she can be strong without the title, she needs Dan to give her he fake princess moment where she is basically a tourist attraction.

05x20 Blair is trying to organize the party that will launch her and Dan’s relationship. Party is ruined because of the drama of other people. That’s it

05x21 This episode where Blair is actually doing something related to her social status. But she does it by trying to sabotage her boyfriend’s event? Very grown up.

05x22 Now we are getting to episode where she actually does something. She reunites with her friends as they try to figure out the whole Elizabeth and Jack thing. We finally see her do something outside her relationship. Of course at the same time Dan is worried and follows her outside the city. And lies to her about Rome.

05x23 An interesting episode, again Blair is actually doing something but it’s still connected to her love life. Blair is trying to help Chuck but at the same time she should be with Dan taking to the guy from the program. So she is torn. But at least she is scheming and using her talents.

05x24 Blair has to finally choose between Chuck and Dan while her secrets are being published on gossip girl and she tired or stop it. Finally she talks about her future outise love life but it’s Eleanor that starts the conversation.

That’s all she does, every single scene is related to her love life, she has no plans, no aspirations. Until the very last episode we don’t hear her talk about her work related plans and even then she talks about the matter of her heart. In season 5 Blair isn’t her best self, she doesn’t do a thing. Things are happening to her but she isn’t making them happen, she is just responding to them. And they related only to her love life. Gone is the girl that wanted to be a powerful woman, she doesn’t want a thing, even after she got divorced and is with Dan. She doesn’t talk about her plans, the closesest to her talking about future is when she talks about it is when she is wondering is she wants to go with Dan to Rome, on his writing program and when she decides to do it she is planning the trip, on where they will be eating and what will they be seeing. Not even for a moments she thinks about her future, about what she wants to do.

Blair in season 5 is a shell of a character, regressed to the love triangles, she is woman that does nothing outside her love life. So in conclusion, season 5 is the worst when it comes to the way Blair was treated. She is so much more than her love life and in s5 they completely they forgot that. And yes it’s a season of very big growth to her as she is faced with crushing realization that fairytales and movies are not real, that reality is brutal. But that’s not how you do it, multiple characters have a character growth in this season and yet we see them actually do something not just wonder which guy should she choose and not the end waiting for someone else to choose for her.

It’s an emotional season but again thoes emotions and depth are in few episodes and are usually are not really coming from Blair. More often it someone else’s growth and understanding of her that is creating thoes moments.

[thehardkandy]

some rambling about movin' forward

today has been a very solid day! not quite back to normal, but definitely a solid shake off that funk from the three days prior--it's given me enough good energy to be able to at least think a lil bit about all this and idk

i think i have a lot of different emotions coming from a lot of different aspects of life that aren't pressing like "find a new place to live" or "you're going to lose your job", but are instead more... ephemeral. weird little feelings that seem to be encroaching on every piece of my life not just because i have a brain that makes me go weird sometimes, but because there is a real source

like i think i have a lot of feelings about my ability to get a romantic relationship, to work a different job, to make better games, to write better stories. all of these things that don't have objective measures and are internal pressures rather than external

im still not quite sure the answer--noticing this hasnt made it easier to write tonight, but i will at least try to use this as 1) a way to take it easier on myself and 2) a way to maybe make a plan for how to address those emotions

cause i think at first i thought it was a matter of "just do it anyway idiot" but.... that has been a big bad feeling. it's felt extremely bad being creative in this mindframe in a way that continuing to do it hasnt helped. i could be wrong! I could just need to muscle through it more, but so far it has just kinda been upsetting

but of course, not doing anything is also upsetting! i genuinely am feeling really bad lately about how ive now taken about a month off any meaningful productivity, and i do think the answer will need me to compromise

but idk. this is why i think i wish ive had a bit more space from work and life and stuff so i can take the time to think about all of this a build a plan without the pressure of, you know, only having a few hours to relax before bed, before getting up for work etc.

like today i started writing, had a good start to a short story! I started said short story, too, because i working on the book has turned difficult simply because it's turned into too much of a reflection of current anxieties i have. that's what i want it to be, but the fact that i dont have a satisfying answers to those anxieties makes it so that i cant move forward with the book as much as i want both from a practical plot/world building stand point, as well as from an emotional standpoint

but so i started this story, but then by the time i got to sentence 3 i made myself messy cry because just.... frustration. frustration at this not being good enough despite it being three whole sentences of a first draft!!!!

it feels like this hole that i cant fill of what i need to know, to be able to do. like in the last 2ish years ive moved from being an aspiring writer or whatever to someone who believes she is capable of writing that is worth people paying for. but now--perhaps as fallout from my last game release?--im sort of regressing on those feelings

and that's shown up in the fact that i cant read new books. hell, there are some books that have been released in the last 2 years that for some reason i just took... personally. i never read them. but they are highly praised and they feel like something i should have been. or rather, what i should be making. as in, if i was to accomplish my wildest dreams, it would look like this. but then i go and write and i know "this looks nothing like that". so i get frustrated, i get angry, and even when i see those books (which i emphasize, i have not read but have only heard good things about lmao) i get angry!!!

it's a lot of messy emotions, man. writing this is making me messy cry a lil bit more. but i wanna figure this all out. i wanna set myself back on track because right now i am falling off track and it is detrimental to every single piece of my life, despite the fact that in objective terms, im where i need to be (place to live, job to pay me, people to love me, and above average [for my life] mental health)

idk. might make a few more rambles like this in the next few days since i think this has been helpful and i would like to figure out more. ive been suppressing too much in the hopes that the good will out, when in fact it's just gotten me comfortable with this building pressure of anger and frustration and even a little bit of alienation

we will see

[ranposlittle]

Thanks so much angel!! You are amazing and very talented!❤❤ I am a little myself but I try to keep it on the DL since my family is not the most open minded😥😥. Anyway could you please if possible do the NSFW alphabet for Akutagawa? That would be amazing❣❣ Thank you so much!

Genre: NSFW (Half is under the cut so if this is not your cup of tea, just scroll ahead~)

[A/N:] Don't worry, little anon~ my family doesn't know about my little side too so you're not alone hehe personally, I’m okay with them not knowing and I just regress whenever I’m by myself. It still makes me happy and even if they notice some of my little behaviors and ask me stuff like “are you a kid?”, I’ll just reply with a simple yes and then just carry on haha. They don’t really react more after that, maybe they’re used to it by now. I guess for me, the person who would really have to be open-minded or ok with me being a little is my future partner. I just can’t imagine being in a relationship with someone that is not willing to accept that part of myself. If certain people don’t support you on something that matters to you then just remember that you don’t need their permission to be happy and express your true self. I’m sorry this became an advice section but i feel you, ok? No little deserves to be sad hehe Angel is here to support you~ you can be my little friend if you’d like to! Angel accepts you for everything that you are and you are valid~ ʕ♡˙ᴥ˙♡ʔ Enjoy your request! 

M, N, S, V & Z is already answered here~

˚ * . ⊹ • ꒰꒱ • ⊹. * ˚

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

He'll be tired as heck. Give him a few minutes because this poor baby's lungs are a bit weak and he needs time to recover.

He will snuggle his face on the crook of your neck and if you wouldn't mind, he'll just stay inside you for a few minutes while he tries to catch his breath. He becomes really cuddly as your body heats brings some comfort to him.

B = Body part (Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

In himself, it’s his hair. It’s not like he treasures it but he does look after it quite a lot. He’s conscious about it and periodically trims his fringe and keep his hair in a certain length. Yes, he cuts his own hair (that’s why it kinda looks choppy).

In his partner, Akutagawa gives extra attention to your torso. He doesn’t prefer any particular shape but he just likes caressing your sides, putting his arm around your waist or digging his fingers on your hips as he thrusts himself into you.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

Akutagawa’s cum is more on the watery side.

Because of his fondness of your body, he likes painting your abdomen or back with his cum. 

It’s a whole new level of hot though if you hold his cum on your tongue and show it to him. It can almost guarantee a second round.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

The only porn he ever watches are the ones with monsters or semi-human (ex. cat ears, succubus, etc.), but most of all, tentacles.

He gets off with the fantasy of someday restraining you by the use of Rashomon and having his way with you. 

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

Akutagawa doesn’t have a lot of experience. Not because he doesn’t get horny but he just wouldn’t want to do it with a complete stranger so when it comes to sex, he just goes with his instincts and moves how his body wants to move.

He’s not bad at it but he would admit that he have some things to learn.

F = Favorite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

Missionary is his go-to, not just because of its conventionality but also because he can see your face while you do it.

He doesn’t mind trying other positions, as long as he can watch your expressions. If you’re doing doggy, he’ll ask you to look back at him.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

He’s quite serious because he just loses all sense of rationality when turned on.

He can’t even form a coherent sentence- much more to think of a snarky comment- just to have you naked in front of him.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

His hair down there is just pure black. He doesn't go out of his way to maintain it but he does groom it every now and then.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

Akutagawa is actually pretty vanilla and likes being a bit romantic whenever you do it as he view sex as something more than a physical activity and he wouldn’t do it with someone he doesn’t feel a connection with. 

He can be rough in the middle of it but he can never keep it that way and would always go back into loving you on.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

He’d only do it if you tease him and he can’t rush towards you for some reason. If on his own, he would just do it whenever his hormones just gets the better of him.

He’d love to AT LEAST hear your voice while he touches himself.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

He’s into some light bondage. Akutagawa actually fantasize about doing a bit of BDSM with you but most of them will probably never get realized as he just don’t want to hurt you in any way.

Akutagawa is pretty wholesome. His ultimate kink is just loving you.

L = Location (Favorite places to do the do)

His bed. The reason being because it’s where he’s most comfortable at and also he loves that he can still smell your perfume on his sheets even when you already left.

He would also be okay with doing it on your place. As long as you have the privacy for Akutagawa to feel safe enough.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

He prefers giving since he just loses all of his self-control when he feels your mouth on his cock and he kinda curses to himself for falling all over the place with just the slightest stimulation.

He’s not bad at it either. He takes his time eating you out and it can almost drive you crazy with how intricate his mouth moves.

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

Akutagawa’s moves are sensual and average in pace. He can’t always keep his actions in check and would just thrust with a good amount of virility.

You’ll know that he’s about to climax when his pace becomes rougher and faster.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

He prefers proper sex and to take his time in making love with you.

However, if you’ve been teasing him a lot, he might just consider doing a quickie with you before he leaves for an assignment. He knows he won’t be able to think straight the whole day unless he takes care of it and to show you the consequences of your actions.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

He’ll be down to experiment with anything you would suggest to him or would want to try, given that you’ll do it in an environment where both of you are comfortable.

Akutagawa might not want to take risks as he really don’t see the point in doing it and it doesn’t really excite him that much. He will, however, be on board to fuck you against a hotel window if you’d like. Not too public but you still get that bit of exhibitionism.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

Just one. A cock ring. 

He enjoys the pleasure that he gets from using it and likes the fact that it can also help with his partner’s satisfaction. What’s more is that it’s easy to conceal.

He might get a vibrating cock ring as a gift to you.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Akutagawa doesn't tease that much, fortunately for you because he doesn't like getting teased either.

Most of the time, he'll leave you high and dry unintentionally and he just really have something to do or in a hurry.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

His nipples are quite sensitive.

Lick and gently blow on it and you’ll hear the softest moan from him.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

Imagine this is Akutagawa ( ͡o ͜ʖ ͡o)

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Average.

Yes, he's busy doing the Mafia's bidding but he's still a youthful man with raging hormones.

He'll probably would often want to at least make out with you whenever you two are alone.

[mousehole5000]

wow i made this draft on november 1st i really took a break from this huh anyway tgcf chapters 121 - 142

i realize now this coffin scene was inevitable. feel kinda weird about hua cheng  back and forth from Teen to Big Man but it is very funny that theyre having their “dude dont look at my boner” moment while in the jaws of a water dragon

pei ming: why didnt you guys make a bigger coffin so you didnt have to squish together like that? xie lian: haha yep!! anyways what brings you here?

“In the grand, spacious centre of the entrance hall sat a person. And this person, dressed in all black, its face snow-white—was a corpse! Instantly Xie Lian shut the doors soundly.” - king of minding his own business.

okay this is where i stopped putting notes here for a while but i did save some in my e-reader so here’s some of the highlights

“Guzi used to have a good sleeping form, but perhaps with his cheap dad’s bad influence, now he was also spread out on top of Qi Rong’s stomach like a dead fish. Lang Ying himself was curled neatly in the corner, and was covered by a few shirts. Xie Lian lifted the blanket covering Qi Rong, suppressed the urge to smother his face, and covered the two small children.” - xie lian funny moments. also it would be really funny if qi rong redeems himself by learning love through these misfit chiildren and it might actually endear me to him but i hope that doesnt happen

Every heavenly official was yelling, and even Ling Wen was throwing a fit. “DON’T THROW EVERY BIT OF USELESS INFORMATION MY WAY, HOW MUCH DO YOU THINK I HAVE TO GO THROUGH EVERY DAY? DON’T YOU ALL KNOW TO USE YOUR BRAINS A LITTLE BEFORE ASKING ME?!” - ling wen marry me right now

“An expression like “seen a ghost” that only mortals experienced was now showing on his face for the first time. Shi Wudu’s pupils shrank to the smallest they could, and he blurted, “You’re still alive?!” “I’m dead!” He Xuan said coldly.” - okay everythings going tits up rn but i did laugh

i did see spoilers re: ming yi/he xuan reveal + shi wudu’s fate beforehand so i dont have a genuine reaction other than oh shit

“He slowly enunciated each word. “I won’t touch your fate. But, here in this place, chop off your brother’s head for me.”  CLANG! He threw a rusty blade onto the ground. Shi Qingxuan stared at that blade, his eyes wide. He Xuan continued, “Then, never show yourself before me again, and I will pretend you’ve never existed in this world.” - okay idk what else is going to happen but rn im concerned that this is like the 2nd biggest ship. i guess we’ll see?? i mean i am really curious whats going to happen to them. shi qingxuan keeps calling he xuan “ming-xiong” and i... sad

shi wudu im not really invested in you as a character but these next two bits... interesting

“If I don’t die but have nothing, then that’s truly a fate worse than death. If I’m not the Water God, I can’t take care of you. I won’t even be able to protect myself. I’m scared that we won’t even last two days…TAKE IT!” - damn. something about the wealthy losing everything and not knowing how to live without it bc thats their entire life and identity

“EVERYTHING I HAVE TODAY, I FOUGHT FOR MYSELF. I WILL FIGHT FOR WHAT I DON’T HAVE. I WILL CHANGE FATE I DON’T POSSESS. MY FATE IS UP TO ME AND NOT THE HEAVENS!” - okay so the whole committing spiritual fraud by tormenting a man and his family to get your brother a cushy title thing aside this was kind of badass. heretical? possibly. but still. also is he intentionally riling up he xuan so sqx doesnt have to kill him? if so damn...

also okay as long as im here im just gonna say it. the choice that he xuan gives shi qingxuan is fucking brutal but i actually think its probably as fair as it could be. sqx didnt know about or participate in what happened to hx but they did benefit from it greatly while hx lost EVERYTHING and i can understand he xuan’s thinking of “if you really feel bad for what happened to me then you have to make a sacrifice and understand the suffering and this is as clean as its going to get” and theres a bit where sqx is trying to beg for mercy but cant get the words out which im guessing is bc theres no good argument!! what happened was fucked up!!

“When Pei Ming saw that reinforcements had arrived, he didn’t appear particularly delighted; instead he threw the sword into the ground, then rubbed his nose and said, sounding grim, “You all just had to come just as I finished making these, what the heck.” - pei ming making coffins chopping down trees with his sword i love it #wastehistime2k17

“Xie Lian brought that basket of eggs along, and gave them away as souvenirs from the mortal realm. Many who received the eggs were overjoyed; some deciding to eat it along with their own blood, and some proclaiming they would hatch an eight-foot monster.” - GHOST CITY GHOST CITY

“Placing the brush down, he blew lightly at the ink and smiled. “If I like something, then my heart will not have room for any other, and I’ll always treasure it. A thousand times, a million times, no matter how many years, this will not change. This poem is the same." - thats nice and all but king... get therapy. i actually have further thoughts but tbh i dont want to put them into words bc they are simply too personal! moving on

didnt take any notes but somewhere in here was the bit with mount tong’lu opening and hua cheng losing it and kind of um. hm. that scene. thats another trope i really hate tbh i dont care for it as a way of including physical intimacy between characters and idk if it really ever adds anything but whatever moving on

The Half-Maquillage Woman - kind of interesting monster idea bc women and aging…. yeah. however i think this would be a lot stronger if there were a) more girls and this was b) discussed or illustrated at all prior to this moment. still interesting that its included knowing the author is a woman tho and there’s been comments on how ling wen is perceived vs pei ming. this book does keep giving me hope for interesting female character arcs i really want it to deliver something

quan yizhen..... i get u

lmao i have a note on a bit with lang ying that says “please dont be hc in disguise” and..... my clown nose was on but at least i knew that. for real this is bothering me how much he’s just. always. there. i know he’s a lead but we didn’t really need him around for a lot of this. oh well.  okay now to my current notes

“Yet it was precisely because it wasn’t cooked that it had to be eaten quickly. Once Xie Lian cooked it, it wouldn’t be edible anymore” - fucking fantastic

“Xie Lian hugged his belly. “Of course! Only after having met you did I rediscover that it’s such a simple thing to be happy, hahaha…” Hearing this, Hua Cheng blinked. Xie Lian’s laughter quieted a bit, realizing what he just said was a little too revealing.” - okay i know i said what i said about being tired of hua cheng being everywhere but... the line…. the fact that theyre laughing together…. :pleading:

“It’s not,” Ling Wen said. “At least, I believe, there will definitely not be another in history who can create a dish called ‘Incorruptible Chastity Meatballs’” - and truer words were never spoken

“I, DO NOT WORSHIP GODS. “I, AM GOD!” - this was every bit as badass as i hoped but no one told me it was immediately followed up by a little bit of the ol dinner theater fjalkdsfjsd. also puqi shrine noooooooooo

“Xie Lian sighed as he thought, “Qi Rong has taken Guzi away, who knows if the poor child was eaten or abandoned. Wind Master...... ..... who knows if Black Water took him away. Pray they’re both safe.” yeah hey are we going to fucknig. find out what happened to the child???

and yeah i dooooont really care for the age regression? thing thats going on. i just dont like that trope tbh. but tiny hua cheng whipping out his fat ghost king wallet in the store was funny tho. it is really funny that hualian are just like wandering around some random towns while the heavens are in an uproar. i guess theres not much else to do but its funny

“Me too, me too. You all know of my shixiong, right? Talented, with an infinite future! He only had one small vice: he loved playing women. Decades ago, a little prostitute ghost seduced my shixiong and sucked him dry into human jerky, and that Hua, Hua, Hua, that ghost king dared shelter her.” - yes omg give me the forbidden hua cheng lore i love this for him for real it goes along nicely with xie lian’s principles about giving another cup. god i love shared values

“Hua Cheng poked again, and a small hole appeared on the wall, as if the wall was made of tofu.” - how’d he do that. why is this a ghost king power. its useful tho

*me shaking qi rong when he pops up* WHERE IS THE CHILD

mu qing fu yao is here okay im happy now. once again no one has a good grasp on their secret identity and i love that. this inn has descended into chaos and im delighted and im glad lan chang is back

“The good ol’ kitchen was suddenly squished and crowded, loud and noisy. Fu Yao was chasing that fetus spirit leaping up and down, Lan Chang was chasing after Fu Yao like she had gone mad. Half of Qi Rong’s face changed shape by the way Xie Lian was pressing him down on the chopping board, his back turning into a target for those yellow talismans Fu Yao hurled while being observed by a crowd, and Lan Chang would step on him from time to time.” - this is pure chaos. i love that mu qing was in that room when the mob checked and he didnt say a word didnt open the door just sent out a talisman as a warning. king your disguise is transparent

“Xie Lian remembered the way Feng Xin laughed until he was hoarse when he first heard that verbal password all those years back, and couldn’t help but feel nostalgic, even though it wasn’t the right time.” - awwwww omg im emotional about this... faithful friend feng xin laughing at xie lian’s stupid joke password and remembering it!!! ;_;

“They have, but they’re not effective,” Feng Xin said. “Usually they’re the most diligent in scorning the Palace of Ling Wen, like they could do the job way better if they had the position. Now that we need them to take up the task, not a single one can do even half of what she does.” - typical... typical typical typical

also emotional about the fact that feng xin contacted xie lian at all.....

also!! emotional about lan chang as a mom and wanting to help out sick lil guzi.....

xie lian forcing “fu yao” to let him help “his general” is making me.... what is friendship if not playing along with your buddies little shenanigans while also making them accept your help

“Someone like Mu Qing, even though he’s narrow-minded, petty, sensitive and skeptical, has a bad personality, constantly guessing, doesn’t say nice things, likes to nag, always offending people and has a lot of people who dislike him, has no friends, can remember small, unimportant details for a long period of time…” ”Xie Lian went on in one breath with a straight face, but in the end he concluded with, “...But I’ve known him since we were kids, after all, he’s still got principles.” - XIE LIAN PLEASE AFJDLKSFJDL omg ive seen this quote before but i figured he was talking to someone else not actually to mu qing himself fgjasdkfjsl. god thats amazing. hey im gonna help you out because i care but i will roast you first <3

waaaaaait so is lan chang aka jian lan that girl from book 2 we took a page to talk about and then disappeared? that has to be it why else would we have stopped to discuss her

“Jian Lan spat on his face, then choking his neck, she slapped him twice again. “WHAT SHITTY SUPREME! YOU SURE KNOW HOW TO BLOW YOURSELF UP! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, THINK YOU’RE EVEN WORTH TO BE THOUGHT OF AS EQUALS WITH THE OTHER THREE SUPREMES? WHAT ARE YOU EVEN GOOD AT? YOUR THICK SKIN? OF COURSE I DARE HIT YOU!” - oh this feels so good i cant lie. YES GET HIM!! CHOMPING AND VIOLENCE YES!!!!

okay this description of cuocuo.... im... that sure the hell is a creature

this book is so entertaining bc i already saw spoilers for the feng xin/jian lan/cuo cuo reveal and yet i could never have predicted the circumstances that brought it about. imagine being feng xin. the heavens are in an uproar and your only friend/enemy has been jailed for possible fetus spirit-related crimes but he escapes along with this female ghost who keeps causing problems. you figure “fuck it lets see if dianxia kept his old phone number” and he has but then he hangs up on you. you’ve got fuckall else to do so you go find him. mu qing is there but he’s in his disguise the two of you were using so you could watch over his highness while staying aloof. you think you see hua cheng only he’s a chiild for some goddamn reason but who knows at this point. the female ghost is also there and theres a fetus spirit climbing trees and biting your arrows in half. you realize the female ghost is your ex and the little demon is your son. it bites you. what do you do

amazing that despite everything going on everyone is still playing along with the “fu yao” persona when it would probably be easier to drop pretenses at this point. then again tbh if i could explain my actions to my friends while pretending to be a third party.... i probably would so.. carry on

“With all his devotees gone, only Feng Xin still treated him like the Flower-Crowned Martial God and His Highness the Crown Prince. ” “...his protection charms were all seen as trash. However, Feng Xin was still determined and tireless in handing them out; telling Xie Lian, look, you still have devotees.” “After all, he was the darling of the heavens since birth, high and mighty. Feng Xin so naturally spun around him like he was the world, so how could he possibly have his own life, his own heart” “Whether or not that fetus spirit was Feng Xin’s son, if it was that period of poverty that made Feng Xin lose the girl he loved, Xie Lian wouldn’t be able to forgive himself no matter what." ohhhh my god this relationship i. im...

oh my god i still have 30 more chapters until book 4............ its naptime now i think