#feel like they rarely talk about their age because of the crippling fear of parting ways

[jamieedlund]

Happy (belated) birthday ✨💜

oh right about what's on the paper---

Bonus hands down my absolute favorite panels

Aight that's all folks.

[best-underrated-anime]

Best Underrated Anime Group H Round 3: #H4 vs #H7

#H4: Teen Shogi prodigy grows up and battles his mental health

#H7: Isekai subversion, now with more women and good writing

Details and poll under the cut!

#H4: March Comes in Like a Lion (Sangatsu no Lion)

Summary:

Having reached professional status in middle school, Rei Kiriyama is one of the few elite in the world of shogi. Due to this, he faces an enormous amount of pressure, both from the shogi community and his adoptive family. Seeking independence from his tense home life, he moves into an apartment in Tokyo. As a 17-year-old living on his own, Rei tends to take poor care of himself, and his reclusive personality ostracizes him from his peers in school and at the shogi hall.

However, not long after his arrival in Tokyo, Rei meets Akari, Hinata, and Momo Kawamoto, a trio of sisters living with their grandfather who owns a traditional wagashi shop. Akari, the oldest of the three girls, is determined to combat Rei's loneliness and poorly sustained lifestyle with motherly hospitality. The Kawamoto sisters, coping with past tragedies, also share with Rei a unique familial bond that he has lacked for most of his life. As he struggles to maintain himself physically and mentally through his shogi career, Rei must learn how to interact with others and understand his own complex emotions.

Propaganda:

Sangatsu no Lion is a series that gets praise and has some awards, but it gets rarely talked about. It’s ranked highly on anime lists as being a good anime to watch, but there’s little fan engagement or video essays about it like other promising titles.

Maybe it's because the series is a slow-paced slice-of-life drama that goes over topics like mental health and the trauma of losing loved ones at a young age, and how those factors impacts the lead deeply.

Rei is a hard character to watch sometimes. He’s a doormat, shy and quiet, with crippling low self-esteem. He’s a social outcast. He puts a lot of burden on his own shoulders and blames himself for living up to people’s expectations. He’s a flawed and traumatized teenager forced to grow up too quickly.

Rei lives isolated, and that's how we're introduced to him. He has a strained relationship with his adoptive family. He has trouble interacting with his classmates. He has a few tentative friendships with the people he plays Shogi against, but Rei struggles to connect with others. It doesn't help that he feels pressured by the expectations placed on him as the fifth ever Shogi player to go pro in middle school, making him a prodigy. He's losing multiple matches and stagnating, struggling because of his mental health taking a downward spiral.

When Rei meets the Kawamoto girls, his life seems to get better. Rei initially doesn't want to get to close to the Kawamoto family for fear of rejection, but he ends up visiting often. With them, he receives the care and affection he never had in his foster home. He also learns to socialize and rely on others with his interactions with the Kawamotos, growing as a person.

Trigger Warnings: Child Abuse, Mild child neglect from adopted family, death of birth family, healing from mental health issues.

The plot revolves around Rei and him trying to cope with the stress of life and growing as a person. A part of this is him having to make peace with the trauma of losing his biological family and having a strained relationship with his adoptive family, who are neglectful and bitter towards him. The anime overall goes over Rei healing from his mental health issues, including battling his anxiety and issues with self-worth.

#H7: The Executioner and Her Way of Life (Shokei Shoujo no Virgin Road)

Summary:

Average student Mitsuki Mutou suddenly finds himself transported to another realm. Summoned by the king of this world for the remarkable power he is supposed to possess, Mitsuki is thrown out when it appears that he lacks a Special Concept. Moping about, he encounters a priestess named Menou who explains that Japanese people like him are known as Lost Ones, and such individuals never fail to have Special Concepts.

Menou elaborates that she is part of a church that helps abandoned Lost Ones integrate into society. She invites him to spend the night at her church, where the two can probe the nature of his ability. Eventually, they discover that Mitsuki's Special Concept is actually incredibly powerful and dangerous.

But is Menou's true goal to assist Lost Ones—or the opposite?

Propaganda 1:

An isekai that forgoes the usual tropes and exceedingly dull, whitebread protagonist in favor of a cast consisting more or less exclusively of varying flavors of deranged lesbians.

As a bonus, a certain scene halfway through the first episode made a lot of the worst parts of the anime community SO mad, and I feel like that’s worth something in and of itself.

Propaganda 2:

An isekai subversion that doesn’t feel like it’s subversive for the sake of being trendy! All of its unique parts have lore to explain them, and the world building of the series is super intriguing. The power mechanics are well-thought-out, and the fighting is unique and beautifully animated! Another strong part is the character relationships; I love the various dynamics between the main cast, and I love how none of them are reduced to mere tropes, as anime loves to do with its women. It’s also very funny, and the protagonist is one of my favorites <3333

Trigger Warnings: Child Abuse, Graphic Depictions of Cruelty/Violence/Gore, Suicide. Suicide is basically a deuteragonist’s goal, but it isn’t shown.

When reblogging and adding your own propaganda, please tag me @best-underrated-anime so that I’ll be sure to see it.

If you want to criticize one of the shows above to give the one you’re rooting for an advantage, then do so constructively. I do not tolerate groundless hate or slander on this blog. If I catch you doing such a thing in the notes, be it in the tags or reblogs, I will block you.

Know one of the shows above and not satisfied with how it’s presented in this tournament? Just fill up this form, where you can submit revisions for taglines, propaganda, trigger warnings, and/or video.

[f0point5]

https://www.thecut.com/article/age-gap-relationships-marriage-younger-women-older-man.html

have you read this article? tbh i think 10 years is not a crazy age gap, but i'm curious as to what you think about the sentiment behind it

I have read it. I think there’s some truth and some very flowery exaggerations that very much give “literature major”.

I don’t know this woman or her husband but the overarching theme of her gratitude that seems to jump off the page reminds me of “trad wife” tiktok. This idea that she is lucky that this man has plucked her from obscurity and given her the gift of time and security belies either insecurity on her part or her trying to sell the idea to women that to ensnare an older man and not have to worry about working is there greatest thing to ever happen to you. Which is, in some ways, true, I think. If it’s the life you want then to get it is an achievement, but it’s earned and it’s not without its sacrifices and its barriers.

She talks about his mentorship and his material support and how he “introduced her to herself” (did he really? Or did he just create her? I could go ON for hours about this but I won’t bore you) but never mentions what she’s provided for him. And if even she can’t acknowledge her own worth in the relationship, that’s terribly sad. I don’t detect a whole lot of intrinsic self worth in her writing. Just that she enjoys the life that she feels has been gifted to her by her benevolent saviour, and this underlying crippling fear that she may never be more than what he made of her.

Could never be me.

I don’t think age gaps are inherently a problem. There’s women who’ve been responsible for themselves since age 15 and by 21 know more about who they are than some women at 40. I just think it depends on how developed you are as a person. By and large women of 22 don’t know themselves well enough to be on equal footing with a man of 50 but it’s not always the case. And not all men take advantage of the naivety. So it’s just case by case.

As for own age dating…again it’s case by case by I do sort of agree with her that there is very rarely a point in getting involved in raising these men who are in their 20s. It’s a bit like trying to learn to ride a bike while holding onto someone else who doesn’t know how to ride a bike for stability. And also largely pointless if you’re ever planning to be that “Pilates wife”. Purely because, you start as you mean to go on. If you spend your 20s taking care of a guy, you will always be his nurturer in his mind, he’s not just going to suddenly switch up and decide to take the reins. All that laziness, partying, and general disrespect you dealt with from that frat boy? Still going to be there when he’s 40 because he will already know just how much you’ll put up with. There’s exceptions to every rule but…

But this is just my take, I will be never that “let’s build an empire together” girl, because no man I’m going to date needs my help to build shit 😂 you better have done your struggling by the time you look in my direction.

This was a ramble lol hope you don’t mind but I remember how much that article and the discourse around it really irked me and this brought it all back up.

[uravity-the-infinity-girl]

ways that hero society hurts pro heroes headcanons

does anyone wanna hear the shit i think that heroes go through and why i feel they’re victims? no? ok

firstly i headcanon hero society as having extremely fucked up beauty standards where heroes face the same sort of scrutiny for their bodies as celebrities do in our world, like if a female hero is too muscular there will be men complaining that she looks like a guy and if a male hero isn’t muscular enough he’s lazy etc

i bet you anything that it was not only the fact that media interferes with hero work that Aizawa chose to stay out of the spotlight i bet in some subconscious way he was afraid of the intense scrutiny that comes with being a hero

not only that but heteromorphic people are always chastised and rarely do well in hero ranking if they don’t appear attractive or fit within the public’s view of heroes, i’m thinking of gang orca for example who is ranked number 1 in looks the most like a villain like for someone who fights villains for a living and has probably been harmed by them first hand that’s bound to take some psychological toll. that moment always bothered me and i think it’s really unfair for heroes to be categorised like that when they’re dedicating their lives to try to be useful. you just know that people with quirks like shoji will find it harder to succeed no matter how great or compassionate a hero he is.

i know it’s common in fan fiction for Hawks to have to hide aspects of his quirk that are unappealing but let’s think about that with other heroes as well like Mirko, i imagine she’s grown up with agents and superiors telling her it’s annoying when her foot won’t stop thumping or weird how she eats carrots or Mic being told to keep it down constantly-i’m sure there are loads of heroes who are made to be ashamed of aspects of who they are and have to hide them in order to sell an image and be more profitable and likeable.

i also imagine that they’re all terrified of aging and that perpetual fear of losing their spotlight is probably a huge part of their psyche as from a young age they feel they have limited time to be successful like when hawks is talking about his prime calm tf down your life has barely started.

heroes are objectified so much by the commission being treated like weapons makes them feel like their bodies are what make them useful-just look at hawks’ reaction to losing his wings calling himself crippled and pathetic because he can’t be as efficiently used despite still being able to achieve so much with his intelligence, determination and physical skill alone. Mirko may not have the same self deprecating attitude towards her injuries however her dedication to continue fighting by whatever means she can is a testament to how heroes are taught to act with no thought for their own safety if they want to be useful. this is what makes AFO scary to the heroes, the fact they can lose their quirk and therefore their usefulness is terrifying. i like to imagine that many heroes felt or still feel about AFO as korra did about amon in s1 of lok.

furthermore heroes are expected to give their lives at the drop of a hat, mirko lives every day like it’s her last because for heroes their is no safety net or garuntee that they will survive they can’t just give up or protect themselves in the face of certain death or they literally wouldn’t be doing their job. you saw how disposable Lady nagant was to the president of the HPSC clearly they don’t have any care for the lives of even the heroes they work closest with. Mirko and Aizawa cut off their own limbs without blinking because they have to and they’ve been trained this way and it’s horrific how ready to die all of the heroes are without a second thought despite how young they are. arguably it’s admirable but if i learnt anything from she-ra it’s that they need to find a bit of self worth and need to be treated as people who’s lives and well being should be a priority rather than disposable weapons to be used with no regard to their safety.

and it’s fucking beautiful that All might chose to live, the man who has been through the most and given pretty much all there is to give. He’s given up his whole life, his bodily health, his self esteem, his friends, his image as a natural born hero and so much more just to protect people. All might was able to break the cycle of death be choosing to live rather than give his life up and Deku will break the cycle by choosing to save rather than defeat or kill.

i just think that being a hero is so exhausting and must take so much out of you, it’s important to remember how much they are victims of the system

[aminiatureworld]

Damocles

Characters: Zhongli, fm!reader

Word Count: 3,211

Warnings: Hanahaki disease – depictions of a fictional illness with symptoms mimicking tuberculosis, mentions of coughing up blood, talking a lot about death

Premise: In which the reader thinks Zhongli doesn’t reciprocate their feelings, and fears the consequences.

Author’s Note: Ngl, I don’t think I’ve ever really heard about this trope before, except maybe in passing. So if it’s a little weird that’s why.

I ended up taking the story in a bit of a macabre direction. Hopefully not too melodramatic, but I kinda like how it turned out.

Zhongli

“Thank you for telling me, but I’m afraid I cannot return your feelings. I’m sorry to be a disappointment.”

 In truth you couldn’t decide whether or not you had expected your feelings to be returned. You and Zhongli had been friends for years now, and you had grown closer to him than you had to most of your previous friends and acquaintances. Indeed, you had grown closer to him than you had to many of the people you’d been in previous relationships in. You called upon him in some form almost every day, whether it be to discuss something of importance or simply bask in his presence. When there was something new you found about, whether it be a story in a book or a particularly funky looking shell, you almost immediately sought out Zhongli to share your find with.

For Zhongli’s part, he also liked to share experiences with you. At the very least you couldn’t say that your friendship was one sided. He often would be the one to walk up to you on the street, a new brand of tea written down on a piece of paper in his pocket, or a location where one could find particularly beautiful glaze lilies on his lips. He never seemed to mind when you peppered him with endless questions, or talked his ear off about your own day; something which you often asked if he found annoying. No, you were very sure that Zhongli wasn’t simply spending time with you out of pity.

In truth it was your friends who guessed the trajectory of your personal feelings before you did. Though you often found their poking and prodding intensely irritating, they had the common sense to keep the questions to a minimum – perhaps in hope their silence might guarantee that your affections would reveal themselves naturally one day. Now though you had to admit they had been right. You had fallen for Zhongli how long ago? It seemed so difficult to say when, so gradually had your feelings changed from viewing him as a confidante to viewing him as something more. Once you had finally come to terms with it you’d put off revealing your feelings as long as possible.

It wasn’t just the chance of rejection, something that would already cause emotions to run high. You had seen what sort of disease could ravage those who were unlucky in love. One of your own friends had suffered from such a disease, a fellow member of the Liyue Qixing had died from such a thing only a few months ago.

It was a terrible disease, everyone at least could agree about that. The origins of such an unfathomable sickness was much less understood. Most saw it as a curse from the gods, a punishment to the humans who would love a fellow mortal more than those who ruled above them, who gave their protection, their mercy, and their gifts to the people below. Others argued that it was simply a result of stress, for what heart could take the shock of a truly deep rejection. A rare parasite, a curse from malevolent demons, all these theories made little difference when it came to the actual disease. You were fairly sure anyways that people dying of it couldn’t care less why it happened, only that it was happening to them.

First came the coughing, easy enough to ignore in a land where the common cold truly lived up to its name. Then you couldn’t run as fast or as far as you had once, at least on the days were you weren’t fighting off crippling fatigue – the night sweats doing little to help you in your desperate need for rest. Then the fever set in, then the blood that stained the porcelain sink. By the time the first few petals would appear emaciation would already begin to claim your muscle mass and the precious body fat that kept you alive. Some people didn’t even get to the point of regurgitating fully formed flowers. Those people were usually considered lucky, for when one must deal with an incurable disease, well, surely it is better to go sooner rather than later.

You wouldn’t lie and say that wasn’t one of the reasons it took you so long to confess. After all, what you don’t know won’t kill you, right? You weren’t actually sure about that, but it sounded right in your mind, regardless of its actual veracity. However, as with most people in love, you’d found a growing recklessness inside you, paired with the sudden desperation for a happiness which you would certainly never obtain at this rate. So you’d made up your mind to tell him, deciding that perhaps the certainty would be better than the ever growing cloud of anxiety that surrounded your thoughts.

Now you’d been rejected. You had to admit that your first reaction was utter panic, the distinct feeling of having made a terrible sort of mistake. Oh sure, your feelings were undeniably hurt, but that was less important than the virtual death sentence you’d been handed. Why oh why had you decided to do this? The world seemed to swim in front of your for a moment, as simultaneously everything came into sharp focus and faded away into the recesses of your mind. What would you do now? There was nothing to do, you just had to wait for the inevitable, wait for the cold embrace of death to welcome you to its abode. You took deep breaths, trying to control yourself. Tears were forming in your eyes, but you knew that they weren’t from romantic distress. Ironically romance was the last thing in your mind right now.

“I, I see. Thank you for your honesty.”

It was all you could manage to make out. Turning around, head light from fear, you bolted down the streets of Liyue, desperate to be in your home, desperate to ignore the sword of Damocles that now hung dangerously low over your head.

 Zhongli watched you go, watched as you stumbled your way through the crowd that always packed the streets of Liyue in the daytime. He was fine, he was perfectly fine. He had seen it through, had done what he knew was right. There was no reason to regret. Surely the small stab of pain he felt was temporary, a pinprick compared to all that the ex-archon had suffered over the years.

Zhongli had suspected that a confession like this might’ve been on the horizon for quite some time now. Not that he was dreading it out of a personal inability to reciprocate. No, in his heart Zhongli already reciprocated your suspected feelings. He loved you, adored you even; within the stony heart that had atrophied over years of war, suffering, and personal duty, grew a love that Zhongli had not felt for a very long time. He cherished every moment with you, knowing that his long life would try to compress the memories that were so precious to them. Seeing you whenever he could, dragged out conversations as long as he possibly could, Zhongli was practically desperate for time with you. He was also intensely aware of how short that time would ultimately be.

How could Zhongli push the curse of loving an immortal being on you? For it truly was a curse, to both parties involved. His side was painful of course, the knowledge that your memory, you lifespan even, would slip through his fingers like grains of sand. He would always be wondering whether or not the two of you would be experiencing a “last”. Last visit to the sea, last time to climb up the Huaguang Stone Forest to watch the sunset together. Last, last, last. Always the shadow of death would hang over you, so palpable in Zhongli’s mind that he might almost reach out and grasp the gossamer veil that would eventually steal you away. Yes, it would be a truly painful experience. Not nearly as painful however as your own experience.

Zhongli had long ago come to the conclusion that mortals had no true concept of the passage of time. You were young now, the world was your oyster. Zhongli’s immortal status would be nothing more than a passing thought, an anomaly and nothing more. Then your 40th birthday would pass, then you 50th, then you 60th, 70th, 80th. By the time you reached the end of your life the difference between you and Zhongli would stretch out like a chasm between the two of you, something to never be reconciled, for the old rarely forgave the young for their youth. Not to mention the other scenario, the one that Zhongli would never allow the freedom to truly cloud his thoughts. Your death of old age would be a tragedy, the alternative a catastrophe.

He knew all this, had seen it time and time again. Zhongli was hardly the first immortal being to fall in love with a mortal, would not be the last. Adepti, archons, all walks of immortal life were drawn to humanity, drawn to the freedom that came with mortality. Humans did things because they died; they had no forcible tie to nature, no innate duty other than to themselves. Humans could be wicked or kind or cruel or merciful as they wished. To those who were chained by their destiny, well, there was something very anomalous in such a choice. Perhaps it was no surprise then that an immortal being would inevitable find themselves interacting with those supposedly below them. Perhaps it was no surprise that this often led to love.

All that being true, Zhongli still refused to give into his needless selfishness. He loved you, yes. Knowing that was enough. He wouldn’t push such a burden on you, wouldn’t cause you resentment or pain. It would be better if you thought that your feelings weren’t reciprocated, it would be less painful.

Nor would you have to worry about the curse to which many less lucky fell. Zhongli still loved you, still cherished you deeply. You would never have to worry about that, for archons and adepti do not move on from love the way humans do. Zhongli’s love for you would long outlast your lifespan, one which, the archon prayed, would be very long indeed.

Yes, everything had been handled well enough. Perhaps you would never wish to speak with him again, perhaps you would grow to resent him even, how quickly love can turn into hate. It didn’t matter though. Zhongli had shielded you from long, drawn-out suffering, and that was all that mattered. He should’ve been satisfied, should have felt relief. Instead however he only felt a great sadness pressing down, a sadness combined with the pain that accompanied a love that must never truly be realized.

 It had been nine days since you’d been rejected by Zhongli. Crossing off another square on the calendar which you had dug out of your old stationary you sighed. The nine days succeeding the encounter had been utter hell. At first you were convinced that the worst thing that could happen was the symptoms of the wretched illness showing up quickly, so convinced you were that the next day you would wake up with blood on your pillow. Soon however, you’d come to a completely different conclusion. There was nothing worse than waiting.

Every day was spent in the agony of anticipation, every day waiting for the coughing to begin, for the night sweats to begin ravaging your sleep, for the breathe to be stolen from your lungs. Yet every day you woke up with none of these things, though your fatigue was real enough.

You should have been relieved, should have been glad for the opportunity to live even a few more days. Yet instead of relief you only felt deep, unrelenting dread. You couldn’t bring yourself to do anything, so crippled were you by morbid anticipation.

Not that your thoughts were particularly worthwhile either. Perhaps it would be one thing if your ruminations had brought up something profound, something that you could write down in a book for your family or your friends. Though it still would be poor solace, well, at least it’d be something. But your thoughts had all turned to mush, replaced by a paranoia so strong it confined you to your bed most days.

You thought that the death sentence would in some way be freeing, that you might be able to recklessly throw yourself at all the things you had avoided out of fear for so long. Instead you found yourself depressed, waiting for an inevitable so terrifying you found yourself disconnecting from the people around you. What did it matter anyways? You’d be dead soon enough.

This gross neglect of your wellbeing was at least somewhat allayed by the routine that had been drilled into your body from so many years working for the Liyue Qixing. Though you didn’t go to work, something you were sure you were going to hear about eventually, you still dared to venture out to the market. At the very least you would eat your fill in good for before the end was nigh. No need to worry about your health after all. Besides, your definition of good food didn’t necessarily always align with completely unhealthy.

Walking through the familiar streets you stared at the people around you. How odd it was to see people so close you could touch them but so far they might as well have been in Inazuma. Was there anyone else here suffering like you were? Anyone who could understand the thoughts that now flooded your brain? You stared at the ground, trying not to think about it. You’d be confronted with these thoughts the minute you got home anyways. Might as well delay it a bit.

Turning to find the fishmonger you spied a familiar silhouette. Stopping in your tracks you stared unabashedly at Zhongli. The man seemed to be carrying himself much as ever, but the unapproachable atmosphere which he’d blanketed himself in seemed somewhat more prominent. Perhaps it was your imagination, he seemed to be talking to the butcher easily enough. Not that it was any of your business. Zhongli wasn’t any of your business anymore. It would be better if you could forget him, if you could erase this feeling in your heart that refused to go away. Even now Zhongli was beautiful. Even now you wished to run up to him, to hug him, to make pretend everything was right with the world. You couldn’t do that though. Just as you couldn’t forget him, you couldn’t love him. Not in the way you wanted. Turning away you trudged back home, good food utterly forgotten.

It was day eighteen since Zhongli had rejected you, and by now your emotions were running almost unbearably high. You’d sunk into an odd reverie of adrenaline, anxiety, and utter disbelief. What in the world was going on? This was a familiar illness to you, something that had almost claimed the life of your friend and had felled your coworker. You knew everything about symptoms, timeline, etc.; and what you knew was you were supposed to be falling ill ages ago. Eighteen days between the initial rejection and the beginning of symptoms? It was unheard of! You didn’t know what to think. Were the rumors about the gods true, had Zhongli imposed some divine protection on you for the sake of your friendship? Were you somehow a superhuman who had the white blood cell coding to defeat the bacteria that caused this disease? Why hadn’t your descent begun yet?

You lounged on the couch, having moved out of your bedroom on the thirteenth day, three days after the latest possible showing of symptoms. Though you still felt deeply afraid, you found that curiosity was a surprisingly good deterrent when it wanted to be. Your fears hadn’t disappeared, but mixed with them was a disbelief so great that you often found your thoughts drifting to questions of how rather than questions of when.

Of course your initial instinct had been to seek out Zhongli. Pride mixed with fear however had kept you firmly at home. Really what was the point in even seeking out the answer to your miraculous reprieve at this point? It wouldn’t really change the outcome. Instead you might as well enjoy this unexpected extension of your life. Besides, you didn’t want to tempt the fates a second time.

 Zhongli stood at the window of your first story apartment, a glaze lily in hand. He hadn’t meant to do this, but the urge refused to leave him.

He’d noticed you a few times at the market, face drawn, eyes empty. Zhongli wasn’t sure what exactly he was expecting, but certainly this wasn’t it. He knew you weren’t suffering from illness, your pace was strong, if slightly erratic, your general aura not that of the sick that Zhongli was all too familiar with. Why then did you look so terrible? The doubts that had plagued Zhongli began to rise again, jeering at the mistake he had made. He was supposed to protect you, right? Why then did you look as if you had experienced a total health collapse?

At first Zhongli tried to ignore it. You had not come to him for help, it was not his place to try and insert himself back in your life once more. The more he thought of you however, the more he found himself uneasy. He had to have some form of communication, some way to enquire about your health. At least one last time. If you explicitly rejected all forms of contact, well then Zhongli would leave. He would never defy your wishes in such a way. Until then however, he felt like he needed to ask.

The idea of walking up to your apartment and asking you was utterly off the table. Who knew how that might end? No, he wanted a subtler way. Glaze lilies had always been a favorite of yours, sneaking out into the evening to see them bloom even more so. He would simply leave one on your windowsill. If you took it, then he would enquire about your health. If you left it, well Zhongli would have his answer.

His hand trembled slightly as he stared at the windowsill, causing the gold ribbon tied around the lily to tremble slightly. At first Zhongli wanted only to give you the flower. He realized soon however that you might be confused, wondering if someone had not simply dropped a flower on your windowsill, or had the wind blown it there? The ribbon would hopefully clear things up. Even if it looked a little silly.

Slowly placing the flower down onto the open window Zhongli sighed. Turning around he did not dare spare a glance backwards. He would have his answer soon enough after all. Until then, well, there was no point in looking back.

 You exited from the kitchen, having finally felt the energy to make yourself that good food you’d been promising yourself. Going to look at the sunset you let out a soft gasp.

On your windowsill was a single glaze lily, wrapped in gold.

[brw]

wonder man's pacifism could be interesting and make sense for his character if comics framed it as an inherently selfish decision. having it be out of benevolence or some decision that the avengers can do good without physical violence doesn't make sense, because simon is neither benevolent nor a man stupid enough to think that when some guy from another dimension is trying to merge his with 616, he should try to talk him down or whatever.

simons been a superhero long enough to realise that a man with his power set (super strong, lightning fast, can fly, makes little blasts from hands and eyes, indestructible, unkillable, immortal, can teleport etc etc etc) is incredibly valuable to the avengers. he's one of their most powerful members even if he or they rarely appreciate it. and simon shouldn't be naïve, not at his age & not with his experience. him being a pacifist isn't because he's suddenly decided violence is never the way ever; it's because he's selfish and doesn't want to get hurt anymore, and that's not a bad thing .

simon, as a person who was physically abused by both his father & brother growing up, is going to have a problem with being expected and even praised for beating on people. yes, for a while it was said to be fear of death that made him struggle in fight scenarios, but it would make sense if it was also just a genuine, understandable fear of getting the shit kicked out of him and having to kick the shit out of other people. most people would feel that to be fair, but simon's abuse makes it crippling to him for the initial periods of his life as an avenger.

framing it not as simon being an annoying liberal pacifist , but instead as simon making a frankly selfish decision based on his own personal comfort and not on any of his personal politics. because simon HAS been shown to be comfortable resorting to violence and even it being his first reaction, especially in his late 80s through 90s characterisation. it makes more sense for this to be a personal decision made from him wanting to avoid harmful cycles he's been unwittingly repeating with vision from his own relationship with eric, and that impacting other aspects about him, rather than him lecturing others for acting violently when he's very much seen and fought people who can't be reasoned with, like graviton, for example.

anyway tldr; marvel should frame simon's pacifism as a person decision made out of his personal life experiences that he hasn't worked through yet and only just recently realised what harmful behaviours he was repeating, and not any statement on his personal politics, because for how much of a privileged person he was growing up, being annoying about people acting violently has never been part of his character and i resent it becoming one, especially because there's a way to tie the pacifism with his personality in a way that would make sense.

[mugasofer]

It seems like many, perhaps most, people historically believed in some immanent apocalypse.

Many philosophies claim that the world is passing into a degenerate age of chaos (Ages of Man, Kali Yuga, life-cycle of civilisation), or divine conflict will shortly spill over & destroy the Earth (Ragnorok, Revelations, Zoroastrian Frashokereti), or that the natural forces sustaining us must be transient.

Yet few panic or do anything. What anyone does "do about it" is often symbolic & self-admittedly unlikely to do much.

Maybe humans evolved not to care, to avoid being manipulated?

Many cults make similar claims, and do uproot their lives around them. Even very rarely committing mass suicide or terror attacks etc on occasion. But cults exist that don't make such claims, so it may not be the mechanism they use to control, or at most a minor one. "This is about the fate of the whole world, nothing can be more important than that, so shut up" may work as as a thought terminating cliche, but it doesn't seem to work that strongly, and there are many at least equally effective ones.

Some large scale orgs do exist that seem to take their eschatology "seriously". The Aztecs committed atrocities trying to hold off apocalypse, ISIS trying to cause it. Arguably some Communist or even fascist groups count, depending on your definition of apocalypse.

But even then, one can argue their actions are not radically different from non-apocalypse-motivated ones - e.g. the Aztecs mass-executed less per capita than the UK did at times & some historians view them as more about displaying authority.

I'm thinking about this because of two secular eschatologies - climate apocalypse and the Singularity.

My view on climate change, which as far as I can tell is the scientific consensus, is that it is real and bad but by no means apocalyptic. We're talking incremental increases in storms, droughts, floods etc, all of which are terrible, but none of which remotely threaten human civilisation. E.g. according to the first Google result, the sea is set to rise by 1 decimeter by 2100 in a "high emissions scenario", not to rise by tens or hundreds of meters and consume all coastal nations as I was taught as a child. Some more drastic projections suggest that the sea might rise by as much as two or three meters in the worst case scenario.

It really creeps me out when I hear people who confess to believe that human civilisation, the human species, or even all life on Earth is most likely going to be destroyed soon by climate change. The most recent example, which prompted this post, was the Call of Cthulhu podcast I was listening to casually suggesting that it might be a good idea to summon an Elder God of ice and snow to combat climate change as the "lesser existential risk", perhaps by sacrificing "climate skeptics" to it. It's incredibly jarring for me to realise that the guys I've been listening to casually chatting about RPGs think they live in a world that will shortly be ended by the greed of it's rulers. But this idea is everywhere. Discussions of existential risks from e.g. pandemics inevitably attract people arguing that the real existential risk is climate change. A major anti-global-warming protest movement, Extinction Rebellion, is literally named after the idea that they're fighting against their own extinction. Viral Tumblr posts talk about how the fear of knowing that the world is probably going to be destroyed soon by climate change and fascism is crippling their mental health, and they have no idea how to deal with it because it's all so real.

But it's not. It's not real.

Well, I can't claim that political science is accurate enough for me to definitively say that fascism isn't going to take over, but I can say that climate science is fairly accurate and it predicts that the world is definitely not about to end in fire or in flood.

(There are valid arguments that climate change or other environmental issues might precipitate wars, which could turn apocalyptic due to nuclear weapons; or that we might potentially encounter a black swan event due to our poor understanding of the ecosystem and climate-feedback systems. But these are very different, as they're self-admittedly "just" small risks to the world.)

And I get the impression that a lot of people with more realistic views about climate change deliberately pander to this, deliberately encouraging people to believe that they're going to die because it puts them on the "right side of the issue". The MCU's Loki, for instance, recently casually brought up a "climate apocalypse" in 2050, which many viewers took as meaning the world ending. Technically, the show uses a broad definition of "apocalypse" - Pompeii is given as another example - and it kind of seems like maybe all they meant was natural disasters encouraged by climate change, totally defensible. But I still felt kinda mad about it, that they're deliberately pandering to an idea which they hopefully know is false and which is causing incredible anxiety in people. I remember when Greta Thurnberg was a big deal, I read through her speeches to Extinction Rebellion, and if you parsed them closely it seemed like she actually did have a somewhat realistic understanding of what climate change is. But she would never come out and say it, it was all vague implications of doom, which she was happily giving to a rally called "Extinction Rebellion" filled with speakers who were explicitly stating, not just coyly implying, that this was a fight for humanity's survival against all the great powers of the world.

But maybe there's nothing wrong with that. I despise lying, but as I've been rambling about, this is a very common lie that most people somehow seem unaffected by. Maybe the viral tumblr posts are wrong about the source of their anxiety; maybe it's internal/neurochemical and they world just have picked some other topic to project their anxieties on if this particular apocalypse wasn't available. Maybe this isn't a particularly harmful lie, and it's hypocritical of me to be shocked by those who believe it.

Incidentally, I believe the world is probably going to end within the next fifty years.

Intellectually, I find the arguments that superhuman AI will destroy the world pretty undeniable. Sure, forecasting the path of future technology is inherently unreliable. But the existence of human brains, some of which are quite smart, proves pretty conclusively it's possible to get lumps of matter to think - and human brains are designed to run on the tiny amounts of energy they can get by scavenging plants and the occasional scraps of meat in the wilderness as fuel, with chemical signals that propagate at around the speed of sound (much slower than electronic ones), with only the data they can get from input devices they carry around with them, and which break down irrevocably after a few decades. And while we cannot necessarily extrapolate from the history of progress in both computer hardware and AI, that progress is incredibly impressive, and there's no particular reason to believe it will fortuitously stop right before we manufacture enough rope to hang ourselves.

Right now, at time of writing, we have neural nets that can write basic code, appear to scale linearly in effectiveness with the available hardware with no signs that we're reaching their limit, and have not yet been applied at the current limits of available hardware let alone what will be available in a few years. They absorb information like a sponge at a vastly superhuman speed and scale, allowing them to be trained in days or hours rather than the years or decades humans require. They are already human-level or massively superhuman at many tasks, and are capable of many things I would have confidently told you a few years ago were probably impossible without human-level intelligence, like the crazy shit AI dungeon is capable of. People are actively working on scaling them up so that they can work on and improve the sort of code they are made from. And we have no ability to tell what they're thinking or control them without a ton of trial and error.

If you follow this blog, you're probably familiar with all the above arguments for why we're probably very close to getting clobbered by superhuman AI, and many more, as well as all the standard counter-arguments and the counter-arguments to those counter arguments.

(Note: I do take some comfort in God, but even if my faith were so rock solid that I would cheerfully bet the world on it - which it's not - there's no real reason why our purpose in God's plan couldn't be to destroy ourselves or be destroyed as an object lesson to some other, more important civilization. There's ample precedent.)

Here's the thing: I'm not doing anything about it, unless you count occasionally, casually talking about it with people online. I'm not even donating to help any of the terrifyingly-few people who are trying to do something about it. Part of why I'm not contributing is, frankly, I don't have a clue what to do, nor do I have much confidence in any of the stuff people are currently doing (although I bloody well hope some of it works.)

And yet I don't actually feel that scared.

I feel more of a visceral chill reading about the nuclear close calls that almost destroyed the world in the recent past than thinking about the stuff that has a serious chance of doing so in a few decades. I'm a neurotic mess, and yet what is objectively the most terrifying thing on my radar does not actually seem to contribute to my neurosis.

[c-c-cherry]

Jojos Doing Jojo Things (with each other)✨😌

*sweating as the part 5 hc asks start piling up in my inbox*

 *looks at the one that mentions Jonathan*

Hello~~ I’m sorry for being criminally inactive here, I forgot during that long 6 month lockdown that I actually had a real life outside of the internet and now I have to go do real life things?? Instead of doing nothing but writing?? Crimes, I tell you.

I love the idea of Jonathan interacting with all the other jojos so I thought I’d take a little break from part 5 whump headcanons to fulfill this one :D SO HERE’S SOME SELF-INDULGENT HEADCANONS ABOUT JONATHAN DOING FUN LITTLE ACTIVITIES WITH THE OTHER JOJOS BECAUSE I KNOW WE ALL NEED IT RIGHT NOW😭😭😭

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Joseph (lets say Youngseph in this case because shhh)

-Hear me out but KNITTING

-Let this man do some nice calm things please

-Joseph has absolutely no way to connect with Jonathan. Like. Nothing.

-He doesn’t see the two of them as anything alike even though they both have the star, and when it comes to connecting with such a righteous, nice dude he’s a bit :/ about it

-He also doesn’t want to do anything stupid (In his words.) He hates baking, he’s never been into reading and school, and the two can never really click with sports

-Our man Jonathan has searched his heart and soul for something to bring the two of them together but Joseph is always just not into it >:(

-He’s almost given up on connecting at all BUT—

-One thing they do have in common? Erina.

-BOOM. Johnny-boy suddenly has ideas >:)

-Joseph is really put off when Jonathan shows up with a ball of yarn and needles and in the most innocent way possible he’s like “I have something to show you ^-^”

-the first thing Joseph thinks is NO FUCKING WAY. If Caesar or his mother or anyone caught him fucking knitting he’d never be able to live it down

-So instead he just watches as Jonathan sits by the fire, and it looks really boring at first but he just starts going at it

-And of course the gears start turning and all his brain sees is “fast task?? task I can be good at? something quick my hands can do??”

-And Jonathan looks up to take a break to see Joseph perched on the edge of the chair in complete awe, but the moment he asks if he wants to know how to do it, Joseph gets really withdrawn :/

The rest of their conversation goes a little like this:

“Isn’t that meant for girls?”

“Why would hats and scarves be only for girls?”

“But its—”

“You know...I’m making Erina a matching hat and scarf for her birthday. I could use a little help with the scarf…”

“...”

“We can make it a race.”

And with a fire lighting in his eyes, Joseph accepts the contest even though he has no idea what he’s doing. But isn’t that what he does best?

-Needless to say, he becomes obsessed.

-When his greatest fear comes true and Caesar finds out, he’s too obsessed to care about the teasing

-Joseph is good at something that Caesar isn’t. Caesar is jealous. Caesar picks up knitting.

-Are knitting contests even a thing?? I don’t care because Joseph and Caesar could probably open a fucking etsy shop with all the stuff they make (and absolutely shamelessly at that)

-Anytime they meet someone new it's immediately “which hat is better?” “Joseph’s is worse, right?” “Can you start the stopwatch for us?”

-Even in his older years, he never actually stopped making things for Holy, Suzi, and even sometimes Jotaro (thought Joot wouldn’t be caught dead wearing any of it in public)

-He actually progresses past knitting and making clothes in general becomes a secret passion of his

-The hat he’s wearing in part 4? He definitely made that. And don’t even think he doesn’t send Josuke the tackiest shit in the mail

Jonathan is very proud :)

Jotaro

-Animals. Is that even a question?

-Jonathan was always more of a dog or cat person, but the moment he finds out that Jotaro’s interested in marine life? MAN GOES ALL OUT

-He not only researches the shit out of marine biology just so he can hold up a conversation with him, but he also buys A SHIT TON OF BOOKS for his favourite angst man

-We all know that Jotaro isn’t exactly a man of words, but his heart is touched when they exchange a few sentences and Jonathan shows up the next day with a book all about what they were talking about🥺

-Like—Jonathan was always scolded for never listening to his father, but when it comes to stuff like this, Jotaro swears he’s able to read his mind

-Most people can barely get him to utter a sentence, but when these two are alone they’ll talk for hours about the ocean

-Holy was actually pretty worried for a while that Jotaro rarely ever opened up to anyone, but after seeing the two of them talk it was like a weight lifted off her shoulders :)

-They go on trips all the time to study water life. First, it's just to the river a few minutes away. Then they start going out to the lake nearby, and then they’re suddenly borrowing Joseph’s private boat and going on all these “research trips” together

-Which just consist of Jotaro taking hundreds of pictures and surprisingly never shutting up about what he sees (which is definitely a first)

-They pass by snooty, rich fishermen all the time who make fun of them for only looking at the animals, and Jonathan secretly uses Hamon to attract the fish to anywhere but where the fishers are lol

-I can blame snipster on instagram for introducing me to Smiletaro but the pure happiness and smiles of happy Joot on this boat with Jonathan is like a DRUG

-Star Platinum is absolutely thrilled, and when Jonathan realizes that Star is an amazing artist, he actually buys the stand a cute little purple notebook to draw all the ocean life they come across :3

-The moment they get back to shore Jotaro’s all -_- again around people, but you can still see the excitement in his eyes if you look hard enough

-When he gets into school for marine biology, Jonathan is so fucking proud

-This is an au which means anything can happen so I formally declare that Jonathan definitely got Jotaro those golden dolphin-shaped coat pins when the man first goes off to Uni

-He wears them as a good luck charm :3

Josuke

-Josuke is soooo easy to get along with, especially since both of them are such warm people :)

-Jonathan figures that it wouldn’t be hard to find something fun to do together, but when he actually thinks about it...he really knows nothing about what Josuke likes to do

-He ends up just asking the kid next time they see each other, and they end up just agreeing to teach each other one thing the other doesn’t know

-Because the power of KNOWLEDGE BABYYY

-Josuke shows up the next day with an entire fucking Nintendo 64 and is absolutely set on teaching him how to play something

-Erina just kinda watches like 👁👄👁 as Josuke plugs it in and Jonathan is confused but also SUPER EXCITED because he barely even knows what a video is but there are also video games??

-After much internal debate, Josuke decides on Ocarina of Time because he’s worried Jonathan will have a fucking heart attack if they play something like Mario Kart

-Also he thinks Jojo would enjoy the whole “righteous hero coming of age” archetype thing because,,,you know,,,

-They start it up and immediately Jonathan is like WHAT and has no idea how to play and dies in ways that Josuke didn’t even know were possible, but they somehow make it to the first temple with a lot of help from Josuke

-Right before the boss fight, his mom pulls up like “bitch we gotta go come on” so Josuke sees no harm in leaving the system at Jonathan’s and coming back next week

-Oho,,,ohohooo,,,

-He comes back a week later to a dark house,,,Erina’s off on some trip, and he can hear the faintest “HYAH!” coming from the living room

-He walks in to find Jonathan in the exact same spot he left him, ALL OTHER SAVE FILES ARE COMPLETE, and he’s in some obscure location doing a side quest Josuke didn’t even know existed

-Turns out he’s really good at quest games

-After Josuke realizes that Jonathan’s managed to beat the game more than once, he asks if he wants to try out another game

-To which Jonathan replies: “There’s MORE?”

.

-Aside from giving Jonathan a crippling video game addiction, Josuke also learns a vital thing about Jonathan Joestar

-Hamon ^-^

-Josuke’s a little surprised that Jonathan can even see his stand, and Jonathan has no other way to explain it than that it must be connected to his Hamon somehow

-To which Josuke is like “what” and Jonathan realizes that his stupid fucking grandson decided not to tell ANY OTHER Joestar about Hamon

-He’s no Zeppeli, but he could try and teach him...even if it didn’t work, it would still be a nice bonding activity

-When Jonathan finds out that Josuke’s stand ability is revolved around healing, he’s overjoyed because he might have a better chance

-They start small with breathing exercises and meditation, which eventually lead to Jonathan trying to teach Josuke how to make things like flowers

-Since it doesn’t exactly come naturally to Josuke, things don’t exactly work out,,,but both are unsurprisingly happy when Josuke manages to make a single flower bloom :3

-It’s not much, but it’s there and it honestly makes Josuke feel much better knowing that he could eventually learn how to heal himself, too :)

Giorno

-Jonathan considered teaching Giorno Hamon a while ago, but he realized that his stand already has the properties of Hamon, if not just in a more humanoid form

-And when Jojo puts two and two together that he and his son can both grow a lot of plant life, he has the perfect idea

-Garden buddies!!!! :D

-They grow everything you could possibly think of, and to top it all off, Giorno fills the garden with all this animal life :)

-When it comes to biology, Giorno never shuts up about it. He’s the quietest kid when it comes to virtually anything else but prepare for MAJOR info dumps about frogs and his vast knowledge of flowers

-Speaking of flowers, them just sitting and growing them together and talking about all of their favourites? Yes please

-Although they love to accelerate plant growth, there’s one patch in the middle of the garden that they’re determined to grow naturally

-Also them growing and eating carambola (star fruit) together because it’s my pocket dimension that makes no sense and I get to decide what fun fruits the Joestars get to eat together

-the garden becomes a great place for picnics and outings and the best place to go when things get too chaotic

-Giorno starts a plant journal where he records everything that ends up growing there, and Jonathan starts impulse buying all these flower guide books so they can look at pictures of them and put their favourites in the garden :3

-They end up creating a little pond in the middle of everything, and Giorno puts a whole bunch of frogs and fish in it and it's all very tranquil and calm and nice :))

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I was gonna do part 6 (maybe part 7 too?) but mental energy? I don’t know her, sorry y’all :(

Feel free to add on though!! I wanna see what y’all would think Jonathan would wanna do with Jolyne or anyone else I missed :D My first thought for Jolyne was Rugby because Jonathan was a rugby KING and I feel like she’d be really good at it lmao

[huckleberrytm-a2]

STUDY  :  JESSE MCCREE

BASICS.

IS YOUR MUSE TALL  /  SHORT  /  AVERAGE?   jesse stands at 6′2 without his boots on. he was pretty average height for most of his life but had a huge growth spurt when he hit 16.

ARE THEY OKAY WITH THEIR HEIGHT?   yeah, he doesn’t mind. briefly hates it as he sometimes smacks his head on doorframes, but other than that, he likes being tall.

WHAT’S THEIR HAIR LIKE?   chestnut brown, it has slight waves to it and curls up at the ends. he has shaggy bangs and ofc his dumb middle part, and it’s a little less than shoulder length by the end of recall. he grows it out more as he gets older, eventually keeping it about mid back length  ( almost like the van helsing hair )  . also often has a nasty case of hat hair cause uh. he has a hat on most of the time. sometimes when he’s alone he keeps it in a teeny weeny ponytail.

DO THEY SPEND A LOT OF TIME ON THEIR HAIR  /  GROOMING?   not unless he has a reason to. when it’s just him by himself on the road, he really doesn’t care that much at all. if he needs to freshen up for a job or assignment of some kind then he will, or if he has a personal obligation to like a date or special occasion of some kind. that and his hair is kinda hard to style with the way it is in recall bc it’s at a pretty annoying length, but he’ll slick it back if he needs to or smth. as he grows it out he’ll braid it pretty often though, just cause.

DOES YOUR MUSE CARE ABOUT THEIR APPEARANCE  /  WHAT OTHERS THINK?    only if those people are people that he’s interested in romantically or physically in some way - he worries a lot about what his romantic partners think of his appearance just bc his self esteem is pretty meh and he wants to look good for them when he can. otherwise, though, he could care less what people think.

♡   PREFERENCES.

INDOORS OR OUTDOORS? outdoors

RAIN OR SUNSHINE? sunshine

FOREST OR BEACH? forest

PRECIOUS METALS OR GEMS? precious metals

FLOWERS OR PERFUMES? flowers

PERSONALITY OR APPEARANCE? personality

BEING ALONE OR BEING IN A CROWD? alone

ORDER OR ANARCHY?  anarchy? though i guess anarchy to him is order ...

PAINFUL TRUTHS OR WHITE LIES? white lies

SCIENCE OR MAGIC?  magic

PEACE OR CONFLICT? conflict

NIGHT OR DAY? night

DUSK OR DAWN? dusk

WARMTH OR COLD? warmth

MANY ACQUAINTANCES OR A FEW CLOSE FRIENDS?  a few close friends

READING OR PLAYING A GAME? reading

♡   QUESTIONNAIRE.  

WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR MUSE’S BAD HABITS?   he has a lot, the most pressing being his smoking and drinking. his drinking isn’t really out of control or anything, he just drinks a lot and frequently, and uses it as an emotional crutch to cope with things. smoking is the same deal for him, and he’s been doing it so long that his lungs are starting to feel the repercussions  ( coughing fits, sometimes struggling to breathe when things get really intense, nicotine withdrawals when he doesn’t smoke for a few days )

jesse just doesn’t take great care of himself in general, just by the lifestyle that he lives. he struggles to talk about his issues and things that upset him, which usually ends up in him leaving the situation altogether  ( walking away in the middle of an argument or in a situation that’s grating him )  or lashing out with anger. he is incredibly hesitant on creating lasting relationships with people because he is absolutely terrified he will lose them in one way or another.

he struggles a lot with his self worth and the fact that he matters.

HAS YOUR MUSE LOST ANYONE CLOSE TO THEM? HOW HAS IT AFFECTED THEM?   he wasn’t at all close with his father, but jesse did love him despite how awfully his father treated him and his mother. he was his dad, after all - when he died of alcohol poisoning it left jesse with a lot, A LOT, of anger in regard to the lack of closure he got about why his father hated him so much. that anger caused most of his behavioral problems as a child, including the decision to run away, and it’s a burden that jesse still carries as an adult.

most of the important relationships in jesse’s life have ended with some sort of loss. he often laments how he and ashe parted ways and the way that their relationship has turned from family to rivalry, and the only person from the blackwatch team that he didn’t lose was genji  ( who admitted he left blackwatch and never looked back anyway )  . the most profound losses though for him were ana and gabe; ana because jesse specifically was tasked with finding her but never could, and gabe bc jesse looked up to him so much like a mentor and a father figure. losing them was traumatizing to the point that he hesitates on returning to overwatch, for fear of it happening all over again.

he’s lost pretty much everyone, and as much as he likes to pretend he’s a social butterfly, its crippled him emotionally.

WHAT ARE SOME FOND MEMORIES YOUR MUSE HAS?   he has a lot of fond memories with his mom and little sisters when he was very small, but those are fleeting and at this point he hardly remembers them - good memories after that were few and far between after his father’s death.

jesse has some fond memories with the gang, though most of them have been tainted by guilt over the years. most of the fond memories in his life came from blackwatch - playing cards with the crew, pranking gabe and jack just for the hell of it, his friendship with genji once he got him out of his shell ... he has a lot of fond memories with overwatch. he struggles to keep them pure.

IS IT EASY FOR YOUR MUSE TO KILL?    yeah. he was desensitized to death from a very early age and you can tell; he literally kills for a living. if he believes someone needs to die, he will kill them. simple as that.

WHAT’S IT LIKE WHEN YOUR MUSE BREAKS DOWN?   it’s incredibly rare and it takes a lot to push him to that point - he’s only had a real breakdown a couple times in his life  ( those being losing ana, gabe, and when he lost his eye and his arm )  and it takes a lot of pushing to get to him to that point. he will usually, if not always, have panic attacks after nightmares and night terrors, but its rare that they ever push him this bad.

it usually starts with him being really vacant, to the point that he stares at walls or floors completely motionless for minutes or sometimes hours on end. he’ll cry, usually for a long time depending on what it is that even triggered this in the first place, and as that slowly dies out he’ll start drinking. again, depending on the trigger, he can easily get through a bottle or more of whiskey in a night. then he passes out and, unless he has some very pressing responsibilities to people that he cares about, will likely stay in bed for most if not all of the following day.

IS YOUR MUSE CAPABLE OF TRUSTING SOMEONE WITH THEIR LIFE?   he is, but he doesn’t do it often. jesse has some pretty major trust issues as a result of his trauma so it takes a lot to get him to that point, but it’s certainly possible with the right people.

WHAT’S YOUR MUSE LIKE WHEN THEY’RE IN LOVE?   jesse softens up, a lot, with someone he loves. he looks at that person with a sparkle in his eye, often hinting at his affection with sweet soft touches  ( tucking their hair behind their ear or brushing it out of their face, a hand resting on their lower back in idle conversation, patting their shoulder as he laughs at something they said )  and he smiles a lot more. not quite the charming grin that he’s so known for, but something sweeter and more genuine. he also really ramps it up with the pet names ofc, the obligatory darlin, sweetheart, honey, and so on, but he also often has individualized nicknames for the person based on their name, some facet of their personality, something he associates w them, etc. he’ll sing soft songs under his breath in their presence and offer to take them places that are relevant to their interests - he could listen to them talk about the things theyre passionate about for hours.

all in all love makes jesse a better person. when he loves someone, he loves them hard, and its really hard for him to let that go.

♡ TAGGED BY  :   @adversitybloomed and @koeii thank u weenies ♡ TAGGING  :  u

[louisapennyfeather2021]

So I went back and did more research and I decided to make a new placement of Newsies in Camp Half-blood. I'm not changing what anyone else has said, this is just how I imagine the crossover. (Part 1/5):

@a-fight-we-have-to-win and @morris-delancey-street for the headcanons that inspired most of the reasoning behind characters.

Jack Kelly- Son of Hecate. Jack is a somewhat quiet person unless he's around the people he's closest to. He loves creating. Anything. Drawings, illusions, pictures with the Mist. He loves it. He struggles with feeling inferior because he doesn't feel like he can protect those closest to him, but he's determined and that's what matters in the end.

Sarah Jacobs- Daughter of Hebe. Sarah is very smiley, and despite being twins with Davey, she has a different parent. This is mostly due to how Athena has her children. Sarah is very talkative as long as you respect her and her opinions. She can be very cold if you disrespect anyone or anything, really. She's very attentive to younger campers which gives her a "mom" vibe, but she doesn't mind. Sarah prefers helping younger kids over being with the older kids, unless it's her friends and family. Sarah struggles with feeling out of place because of this, but her friends try their hardest to make her feel as wanted as possible. Sarah is such a musical/play/Broadway need. She could name every Musical in chronological order since Broadway opened if she asked. She's dedicated, to say the least. Sarah is big on family, whether her godly siblings or Davey and Les, she never lets a day go by without letting anyone in her family know she loves them. Sarah can be very prideful sometimes and it shows, which she knows is something she can work on. Through her pride, Sarah knows when a wrong has been done and she won't let it slide.

David "Davey" Jacobs- Son of Athena. Davey is smart and he doesn't like jumping right into something without thinking through all of the pros and cons. He's extremely smart, there's no doubt, but he lacks the self esteem to prove it unless he's with the people he really cares about or he's really passionate about something. Davey is terrified of failing because he's worried the few people he has will leave him. 

Les Jacobs- Son of Dionysus. He doesn't like his dad, especially since he's camp director, but also because he feels useless. Les feels like he doesn't always belong with the older kids because he gets along with them a bit better than kids his age. He also feels this way since him and Davey aren't from the same godly parent. He's courageous and you listen to him when he talks because he just demands attention, but not in a spoiled way. He just has such a high presence for a kid his age. Les is usually calm in large groups and he actually prefers them over being alone so he doesn't feel left out. Les is very competitive when he gets his head into it. Watching him practice for capture the flag is adorable. Les is like Jack and he's scared of feeling inferior. He's worried that the older kids he recognizes as family won't include him because he's a kid. Les is a very persuasive kid, mostly because he can pull off some good puppy dog eyes, but also because he's very demanding of the room. Les' biggest fear is the unknown. He doesn't want to worry about losing people to something he doesn't understand, so he's very determined to figure out the unknown.

Katherine Plumber- Daughter of Bellona. Although Katherine is a Roman Demigod, she spends a lot of her time at Camp Half-blood. It messes with the Gods, but she could care less. Katherine is a very out there personality. She loves being with the people who listen to her and respect her opinion. She tries desperately to be the best she can, and it comes off as her trying to be better than everyone else unless you know her. Katherine is most comfortable in places where she feels in control. Anywhere else and she starts panicking because she doesn't want to feel out of control. Katherine is naturally brave, so she's able to keep her composure often. There have been a few, rare incidents. Katherine is absolutely terrified of feeling useless.

Crutchie Morris- Son of Tyche. Crutchie has been through a lot in his life, but he's managed to still have a great friend group at camp, a great personality, and he's still able to walk despite his leg. Crutchie is very worried about not belonging. He was crippled from a quest when he was younger, so he can't always keep up with the others or join them. Jack reassures him and finds ways to include Crutchie using magic, but Crutchie always has an underlying feeling telling him he doesn't fit. He doesn't sleep much because these thoughts keep him up, but he's adjusted to short sleep schedules. Crutchie is most comfortable with his friends because the jokes and pranks keep his thoughts from wandering. He always has his close friends there to comfort him though. Crutchie is very loyal because he realizes if he can't be the best at play fighting or competing with friends, he can make up for it by always being there for them. Despite this, Crutchie can also be troublesome by pulling the pranks. He's able to play innocent because he's such a smiley, happy person, but he doesn't occasionally join the pranking. 

Anthony "Racetrack" Higgins- Son of Hermes. Race is a prankster, it doesn't matter who his parent is. He's sneaky and witty. He's very laid back when he wants to be, but he can also be extremely chaotic. He's always charged with being the distraction during Capture the Flag. He's very fast and it's easy for him to suddenly disappear and then reappear because of this. Race is very athletic, although he's better at running than lifting weights or anything. Race does struggle sometimes because he relies too much on taking chances and it hasn't always ended well. Race is most comfortable in crowds because he can just zip through and be energetic and jumpy. Race is extremely arrogant. The amount of fights he's sparked with different cabins is unbelievable. He's caused multiple almost civil wars between the Area Cabin and other cabins. Race is very passionate and determined though. He hasn't had the best past with his human family, so he learns that he has to be determined to survive.

Sean "Spot" Conlon- Son of Ares. Spot isn't the best at socializing, but he does have a few friends. He's naturally intimidating and he demands attention in a room, but mostly due to how he holds himself. He's very confident, but he's also very protective and loyal. You can't do anything to the people he cares about without dealing with him. Although Spot is intimidating and can be very angry and physical, he's also smart. He does what he thinks is necessary to protect those who need it. He won't put people in danger without considering any other option. That doesn't mean he won't fight for what's right. Spot is naturally athletic, but he's not the best runner. He's quick with hand to hand combat, but he mostly relies on strength and training to survive. Unlike most of his siblings, Spot is very thoughtful. This is due to PTSD from family history and a quest that took someone very important to him away.  Spot is most comfortable where he can be outside and where he can breathe. If you take Spot's friendship and loyalty for granted, he will never forget about it. You might be able to mend your relationship, but he'll always have a voice telling him not to completely trust you.

Albert Dasilva- Son of Poseidon. Albert is a very free spirit, in a sense. He doesn't like feeling confined, so he's hardly ever in his cabin since it's just him and Percy whenever Percy's around. He's energetic and he wants to just be a kid with his friends. It's very common that Albert will join Race with pranks, and sometimes Crutchie, but he doesn't do it just for the sake of it. He does so he can live "dangerously" without actually putting himself in danger, unless he pranks the wrong kid. Albert doesn't always know how to communicate. He can be intimidating, but he's a smart kid and he has goals. He's never been great at explaining his goals, so he sometimes feels lost when no one understands. There are a few people who understand him because they go through the same issues. Albert easily feels at peace outside. Anywhere at camp that allows him to just be himself, he loves it. He will swim a lot because he feels safe in the water. There's just so much room for him to roam. The shore, the Lake, sometimes even the edge of the Woods. He loves it. Due to Albert's longing for freedom, he can be very careless. It only ever happens when he's too focused on his goals, but it happens. 

Romeo- Son of Aphrodite. Romeo is a very peaceful kid. He's a flirt, he's smiley, and he's very good at persuasion. Romeo is practically friends with everyone at Camp, with a few exceptions because, like all his friends, he tends to be a bit of a prankster. He can usually talk his way out of punishment, so he's fine. Romeo is just the definition of social butterfly. Romeo often struggles to keep relationships, friends or more, because he's so social. Depending on who the person is, he might seem disloyal. This makes Romeo feel unwanted and lonely, so he just becomes more social. The right people know it's just his personality and they respect that. Romeo might be social, but he hardly trusts someone unless he knows them extremely well. With being social, Romeo is very helpful. He'll help people who seem confused and he's often asked to show new campers around.

Oscar Delancey- Son of Dionysus. It's odd, since Oscar displays traits similar to Ares, but Oscar is much like his dad. Though he's the complete opposite of Les, apart from not really liking his dad, he's somewhere similar. He reflects Dionysus' darker side, in a sense. Oscar is very guarded. He's built up a wall that keeps him cut off from everyone, even Morris. He's very protective of his younger brother, although he shows it through toughening Morris up. It doesn't seem brotherly, but it's all Oscar knows since his father only ever treated them in such ways. Oscar is athletic in all areas. He arrives to be great with endurance, strength, stamina. Simply put, you want him on your team for Capture the Flag. Being this way, Oscar tends to try and be better than others to prove he's strong and tough. He doesn't want to seem weak in any sense. Training is Oscar's go to to relax and feel comfortable because he feels in control of himself and his surroundings. Even if he's training with someone else, he can put up with them long enough to put in some practice. Oscar does tend to have a short temper that makes him intimidating and unapproachable, but it only ever flares up whenever someone challenges him. He doesn't let this deter him though. He's very strong and powerful, even when faced with his fears and struggles.

[jaypelt]

Cheers for Five Years of Undertale, and its Everlasting Effect on Me

Been a while since I’ve done one of these... I might even be rusty at it! Honestly, what I’ve got right now are more vague thoughts than coherent words in my head. I wasn’t sure if I’d even do this, since I felt it wasn’t entirely necessary. Everybody had so much to say! But spurned on by the display of someone very close to me, the cogs in my head couldn’t help but start turning for me too. So here I am. This isn’t going to be easy, though. Because if you read this, I need you to understand the depth of my feelings. Even if just a little. So I’ll do my best to bare my heart yet again, for the sake of it and everything its done for me. Everything it’ll keep doing for me.

The beginning is usually always one of the hardest parts. A blank space devoid of anything, that you’ve got to somehow miraculously fill with thoughts somebody else could understand. But Undertale is rarely a subject I ever have to struggle so much with. It’s been a long, long five years.

This is re-treading old ground that a number of those who know me are already familiar with, however, I don’t think this would be complete without it. But it will get very, VERY personal. If you’re not comfortable with that, then uh... giving you another warning now. But pushing forward...

Right before UT came out, I hadn’t begun to really unravel quite yet. But I was very close. It was somewhat of a rough transitional period as I moved on from my middle school to high, losing very dear IRL friends and generally continuing to struggle with school, as I had been for years. Untreated ADHD is real nasty. But I’d always had at least some friends, either online, or ones I made throughout the year, to rely on. And I didn’t really think about things. The start of this school year was no different. Even having a... perhaps questionable choice of boyfriend, but, well, he was my first.

I struggled with just about every aspect of school from basically the start, but having a small group, and especially an online partner to come home to everyday, helped me at least get through. In the coming months, however, I’d start to encounter more turbulence. Through aforementioned partner, I met someone who’d come to rely on me far more than he should have. Made even worse by the fact that he was a full grown adult while I was only 14, which will be a recurring trend. And has been for most of my life.

We hit it off pretty quickly, becoming good friends and talking to each other outside of mutual friend spaces. And through that, he started to open up about his problems. Living with a family that treated him poorly, suicidal urges, and particularly, an abusive boyfriend. If you know me well, I’ve probably definitely talked about this at least a little.

My daily routine starting becoming supporting this person through all of his troubles. Sitting in skype calls or exchanging messages for hours at a time on the daily. Rarely did a day go by where I didn’t, slowly sinking into an apathetic pit from overextending myself for the sake of his mental health. I couldn’t even help him improve, all I could do was just try to keep him alive. Which, well, I did. For months.

Everything else fell to the wayside as I was constantly stressed about the life of someone I cared about. Obviously my school life suffered even further. I grew withdrawn from everyone, and kept only to the few online friends I had. However, in the midst of this downward spiral, just before the ball really got rolling, a certain game came out. Exactly a month after it had come out, October 15th, 2015, I’d become interested after all the talk on tumblr about Undertale.

After watching a playthrough on youtube(I didn’t play for myself at first, a pity), It’d personally resonated so strongly and gotten me so hooked that it was something I invested a fair amount of my time into consuming content about. I grew super attached to all these characters that’d made me laugh, smile, cry... just this whole spectrum of emotions. And someone in particular, Alphys, really caught my attention after things had begun to get worse.

She felt so... relatable, though I couldn’t possibly tell you all the reasons. When I think about it, we’re not really the most similar, but something about her just hooked me. Maybe because she had all these things going on that nobody knew about. And that she lied. And felt so anxious interacting with anyone after she’d previously been much warmer and closer. That she was closer to “disappearing” than she seemed.

Whatever the reasons, the months moving further along, consuming content about UT practically became my lifeline. I reblogged heaps and heaps of posts  about it, watched videos, listened to the soundtrack, even started drawing because I’d been so inspired. When I was just stuck in this horrible pit of second-hand depression, it was the one thing that still made me happy. I started to really think about why it mattered to me and how. It’s funny, I’d read books obsessively for years before then, but UT was the thing that really got me thinking. It was all downhill from there, I tell you. Now I’m an artist and a writer. Horrific.

But, unfortunately, for all its good... it couldn’t stop what was to come. I was still getting worse and worse, with no end in sight. I’d already been supporting... let’s call him Phil, for a few months. And in December of that year, my boyfriend completely dropped off the grid for a while. I’d see him appear online sometimes and I’d message him, but no response, then right back to offline. Finally, he came back, approaching me with something he obviously was uncomfortable about.

To make a long story short, he’d come to the conclusion that he was straight, and decided to end the relationship. What’s bad is that... honestly? I was already doing so poorly that I had a hard time caring. But we did pretty much stop talking, and I leaned into Undertale all the more. Anyway, time continued to pass. Not without its few ups, and mostly downs. I got used to being called “mature”, usually followed by “especially for your age.” “Phil” told me that if I were legal, he’d date me. I’ve got a crippling fear of screwing up with people that’s stuck with me to this day, after a few occasions involving him. I considered doing some... not so great things to myself. Thankfully, I was always so averse to physical pain that it didn’t become anything extreme.

As for the few ups, there was “Phil” finally managing to leave his abusive relationship, when he’d tried previously and fallen into such a bad depressive episode I had to talk him down. So that was something. He’d even started going to therapy after the second break up.

Not that it did a whole lot. The school year began approaching its end and nothing had really changed. I’d been going through all the same motions for around half a year or more. My sleep was terrible, I was passing almost none of my classes, had practically no friends to speak of, and just felt... tired. All the time. But during this... the minute beginning of a monumental shift started. Another character in UT had begun to clutch me in his grasp. Even more strongly than Alphys. Flowey. Through the posts a singular person on tumblr had made about him and my experience with the geno run, I came to understand the dumb little flower more. Which is also funny, because he was previously my least favorite. Even, yes, after the Asriel reveal.

I’m having a difficult time weaving together this convoluted timeline of events, but it was around... perhaps March or early April that the person whom I’d been supporting for almost a full fucking year completely disappeared. Without a word. The one thing I’d tried to stick to for so long was just. Gone. So I drifted about with, well, no purpose.

By the end of the school year, it probably goes without saying that I was... not doing great. But one those aforementioned acquaintances I’d only just started to become actual friends with came forth to me with a question. That being if there was some way for us to keep contact during the summer. So I gave her my email, which would turn out to be a decision that saved my life. Because things would only get worse before they got better.

This is getting to be way, way, way too long. So to summarize, summertime came around and I’d been in pretty close contact with... I’ll just call her V. She was... well, unlike anyone I’d ever known. Someone who stood out with the intelligence you could just see in their eyes. Outgoing, charismatic, compassionate... all those sorts of things. We were opposites in a lot of ways. Or, at least, it felt like it.

Some things happened, like “Phil” coming back after months of nothing. Me immediately slotting back into my role of being a pillar of support, but then screwing up and hating myself for it. But honestly, that ain’t shit to the rest of the whole shitshow.

For a bit of context, my parents are divorced. So for most of the previous years, I’d been going to my mom’s place during the summer and staying with her the whole time, to make up for how rarely we’d see each other otherwise. That year... she was beginning to run low on money. She lived next to my granny, but still basically alone, compared to how she’d been staying with someone else in hotels for the few prior years.

After learning she didn’t have enough to pay rent and might be kicked out, she tried to appeal to her mom, who said she wouldn’t let her stay. Why? I don’t know. After that, she spiraled into a panic. And, well, the ever faithful little worker bee, I stepped forward to try and console her in any way I could. She seemed to recompose, at least a little. It wasn’t great, and she thought she’d have to do some unsavory things in order to survive, but... I thought that, just maybe, I’d done something.

But... later that night, she started drinking. Which... well, put her in a mood. Exacerbated by the day’s earlier events and the fact that she was taking medication that responded poorly to alcohol. She came over to where I was sitting, my little makeshift desk I’d put together to set up my desktop, with my little sister just in the other room. Just... a warning for this next part, it’s... grim. More grim than anything else in this thread.

She proceeded to tell me she was going to go upstairs and grab the gun my granny kept in her room. And berated me for thinking I’d done anything to help, saying she “wasn’t like my little friends” that I could simply talk to. With that, she walked away, heading upstairs. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so crushed in my entire life, to this day. I broke down crying, sitting in that chair.

Yet, somehow, I managed to stop when I saw her coming back down. She walked back over, pointed the gun at her head, and told me to give her a reason she shouldn’t do it. And also to this day, I.... still don’t know if I said what was right. It was all I could think of. I quietly told her that if she did it, I’d pick that gun up and do it to myself. Same as her. And I asked if she wanted to be responsible for that.

It was true, too. By that point, I didn’t care anymore.

And if there’s one thing I can say about her, it’s that she’s always cared about me. In a horrible, twisted way especially, that night. It was enough to make her silently pull the gun down, go back upstairs, and put it away. One last time... she came down, walked past me to the front door and simply said “I love you.” before going out to sit on the porch.

I’m not sure I’ll ever truly get over the events of that night. I spoke to V afterwards, as I’d been keeping in regular contact, as I said. And even been speaking to her throughout the day about what was happening. I think she was panicking just as much as I had been, and told me to go find the gun and unload it. So I did. Bawling my eyes out the whole damn time. Afterwards, I took the bullets and threw them in the large neighborhood garbage can.

The rest of the night’s a blur. I don’t recall if anything else happened, I just remember waking up tired the next day. My uncle was in the house, as he’d been staying with my granny for a while, but hadn’t been around the night before. I tried to talk to him, but.. couldn’t bring myself to open up. Even though we were pretty close. I went back to my dad’s.

That wasn’t the end of it, either. For the next coming months, I’d get drunken calls and live in fear of being put right back in the same situation. It got so bad that I stopped answering my phone altogether. I broke contact with my mom entirely. I still hate answering or making calls.

Anyway, a few other things happened in the summer, like my applying for online courses. And the subsequent ridicule from my dad’s side of the family for the decision. Tell you what, the stress of taking a test to try and join that online program, then going to golden corral and having to struggle to not cry in front of everyone there was... not the ideal way to spend a birthday. Happy 15 years to me.

So.... that was that. I still went through with online courses and everything kind of... slowed to a crawl. I tried to do school work, but depression and still yet untreated ADHD prevented me from making any substantial progress beyond a few finished classes. For a while I simply... existed in a limbo. All I did was get up, get on my computer, maybe talk to a few people, and play Overwatch. Maybe look at tumblr, as I remained into Undertale. V and I lost contact after school started back up. I never blamed her for it. In fact, I preferred it that way. She didn’t deserve to have such a burden placed on her, and I still... feel guilty for leaning on her so much.

But I’m very thankful. I hope she’s out there living a good life, wherever she is.

And this! Is where we finally get to the not depressing parts! And only... what, 29 paragraphs in? Sheesh... I know I wanted to really illustrate just how shit things were to demonstrate just how much UT did for me, but this is taking it a bit far, isn’t it? Ah well... already made it this far. In for a penny, in for a pound. If you’ve made it this far, congratulations! I’m sorry. Truly. And I love you so very dearly.

Time went by and I kept doing my thing. Playing Overwatch(a practically self-destructive behavior deserving a therapy, frankly), talking to the few friends I had that I kept at an arm’s length, that sort of stuff. “Phil” and I no longer talked, thank goodness. Obviously I was depressed as all hell, not bothering to shower, eat, clean up, or do laundry for days on end. I spent more time asleep than I did awake, on most days. Did I say this was where the not depressing part was? I may have lied a little.

Blah blah “more months go by”, you know the drill. Until... I believe, November of 2016. After cementing my love of Flowey ever deeper, I’d started to follow more blogs putting out content for him on tumblr. In particular, the most important ones being I’lltrytobegood, Flowey-Answers, and later happyflowey and Corruptedflora.

It all started with a stream. I joined an art stream of LLA(Lovelyladyartist) on picarto as he worked on ITTBG. I kept quiet for the first few streams I joined, being too anxious to really out myself in any capacity. But little by little, I was coerced out of my shell. Particularly by one SilverKhaos, who I think at the time went by SilverSlayer or something. Anyway, he got me talking. And through that, I started making friends, bit by bit.

Also through the stream, I was introduced to CC(CuteCatDoodles) of Flowey-Answers. I obsessively read through the entire blog in a single sitting, just... having such a good time with it. And... strangely enough, it... got me feeling oddly better. Like I’d finally started to breath after not being able to for what felt like such a long time. If just a little. The next day, I got out of bed early, cleaned up, took out some garbage, and made breakfast. Just a simple plate of scrambled eggs. A simple, easy morning for most any average person. But for me? It was one of the most special mornings I’ve ever had.

Likewise, I did the same with Ding’s happyflowey, of reading through all of it in a single night. My head hurt like a motherfucker, but I tell you, it was worth it. The effect perhaps not as profound, but still very meaningful to me, as well as sowing the seeds of yet more relationships to form. If far off in the future, as far as this timeline is concerned. I still adore all of those dumb, charming little flowers so much. Mania would come to inspire my first ever OC, in fact. Thinking about that blog makes me miss when the UT fandom was more active here, even though I never participated in the fandom at large. But I’m grateful for the memories and incredible amounts of enjoyment getting to read it all brought me. I have way too many cropped images of Hysteria.

I wasn’t immediately better, but it was all the start of something new. I kept up with the streams, also joining in for CC’s. For hours upon hours a day, I’d just hop into them and spend the day talking away. I had something to really look forward upon waking up, starting to adjust my schedule so that I at least didn’t miss TOO much. I was able to really make friends, it felt like. Even though I wasn’t and still am not the most socially adept.

And as luck would have it, because picarto chat was and probably still is pretty unstable to this day, it just happened to go down and that led to... the creation of the discord server! It started off small, but steadily got more and more joiners from the growing population of the streams. LovelyLadyArtist, CuteCatDoodles, BrySkye, Flowers-Without-Pots, SilverSlayer, KRS, Donut, Mr.Quarter, Dragoler, Stilla, Chara, RotmModdy, Rowdy, Dunal, and probably at least a few others I’m forgetting... all names I encountered there and most of which I still see daily.

Through that server, we started keeping up even when there wasn’t any stream going on. Just goofing off and having a good ‘ol time. Already I was... well, doing a helluva lot better than I had before. All because of the gathering of a small community surrounding this indie gem. And even further centered in a niche specifically about Flowey! Who, and I’d forgotten to mention this before, I’d found a surprising amount to relate in. He’d become a big, BIG hyperfocus. Which is why I’d met everyone at all. Truly, it’s crazy to think how possible it is for me to have never come down this path.

From there on, I continued to meet new people, established new relationships. I even got invited to an RP server, creatively named “Flower RP” :p. At first I was hesitant, perhaps not even initially 100% interested. But as people really got into it, I felt an incredibly strong Fear of Missing Out. Leading to the creation of a character still near and dear to my heart.... Zorch. The result of contributions from many friends, from design ideas, to character concepts, and even his name(thanks for that, Rowdy). And... I began to write. It wasn’t great at first. very short form, and I didn’t know how to approach the roleplaying mindset, or even how to properly characterize him.

But over time... I got better. I became more confident. I really got into the nitty-gritty of character writing and discussion. I joined in on hours long discussions about the characters, lore, and narrative of Undertale. I’d wake up just to be there as soon as chat began to move, all the way to the point where everyone was finally asleep. I started to be able to help people again. For months, participating in this RP, in this chat, in this community was what I lived for. The joy that I felt in being among friends all working towards and talking about a common goal and interest is, well, honestly still somewhat unrivaled.

Paci, Pots, Neue, Castor, Silver, Nightmare, Rowdy. Me. All of us joined together in mutual love for a game, spurred on to feverishly create our own content about it. I kept up for months on end, living by the mostly same routine for probably the longest I’ve ever stuck to anything. Eventually... things happened and the server’s gone quiet. We had problems with management, people feeling excluded, targeted, etc etc. It was a very... consequence heavy RP, most of us were almost complete newbies to the roleplaying game, and many came to care rather deeply about the ongoings of it. Perhaps too much. But, well... I’m not sure it could have been prevented.

Sometimes, I still wish I could go back to that point of my life. I know someone else who does too. Even more than me. But I know not to try and emulate the past, as alluring as it may seem. So I push forward. Leading to yet another server with its own events. Clement, myself, Rowdy, Zielo, Neue, Moddy, Vee, Mini, Nappy, Tia, Silver. Some familiar names, some new. All still with the foundation of Undertale, but it quickly became a thing for us to just... chill and talk about anything. There was real love in that place. It was at this time that I even started going to therapy! After some struggling with the family. It helped a lot.

In time, that server, too, went under. For reasons that have long since been buried and forgiven. It no longer exists, after being deleted entirely, but I’ll always remember it. And we did eventually all(mostly) gather back together someplace new, which is still being talked in. Even gaining some new additions recently! If any of you guys are catching this one, I love you!

And we come to the final and most recent group. One I wasn’t actually a founding member of, instead being a late joiner. Comparatively smaller than all the ones before, but filled with just as much love. Pip, Ding, Kink, and Cola. Remember when I mentioned happyflowey sowing seeds, and then didn’t even expound in further detail about corruptedflora? Well congratulations, you’ve reached the payoff.

It all started after I began interacting with the mun of CF, Kinko, and became mutuals with them. We usually just spam reblogged from each other on occasion for a while. That is, until I got messaged, then sent a friend request through Discord. Which, even still, didn’t immediately go anywhere. But eventually... some things led to another, and we joined up in a particular server. Not one I’ll be naming, but times were... turbulent in there. It went under and we lost contact a bit after that.

That is, until completely out of the blue, I just get invited to a server with them and some pals to just join in on Roblox shenanigans. Imagine me, sweating and anxious as hell after getting asked to join a server with two people behind blogs I adore, considering Ding was there too. Cardiac arrest, I tell you. And obviously more than just them too! But the night turned out to be so fun that I forgot I’d ever been so anxious in the first place.

From there on... the rest was history. There’s been many, MANY ups and downs, but I’ve found yet more people I love very, very dearly. And they’ve gotten me to open up about the way I feel the most. In the past years, I could never tell someone I loved them, no matter how much I really wanted to. The words just couldn’t come out, but they... they brought that out in me. And now I can say it whenever I want! Like now! I love you guys!!! So much!!!! And not just you all, but everyone else too!!! And much love to Kink especially for being a driving force behind me making this, as well as just being a goddamn star.

So... as a final ovation... LLA, CC, Bry, Drago/Paci, Pots, Silver, Donut, Quarter, Stilla, Chara, Moddy, Rowdy, Neue, Castor/Skater, Tia/Nightmare, Clement, Zielo, Vee, Nappy, Ding, Pip, Cola, and Kink. As well as some stragglers like Log, Ingrid, and Jai. I’m probably still forgetting some... but thank you all for being my friends. It’s been a long, long five years. And yet, many of you are still in my life. In at least some form. There aren’t words enough to express my gratitude towards every single one of you for the most incredible years of my life and pulling me from what can be called nothing less than the fucking abyss. You all made and continue to make life worth living.

And thank you, Undertale. The game behind all of these relationships.  The game that inspired such strong feelings in me when nothing else could. That made me into an artist and writer. The reason I’m still alive. The game that changed my fucking life and will continue to affect me, I believe, for the duration of it. I really cannot overstate just how important you were and still are. There’ll never be anything else like you.

[boydsfm]

❛ ✶ ( ALEX WOLFF , CIS MALE , HE/HIM )  —  did you see LUCAS BOYD walking around campus earlier ? i hear a lot of people talking about the NINETEEN year old SOPHOMORE . from what i know , they are studying COMPUTER SCIENCE and are a part of PHI KAPPA DELTA . they come across as + KIND-HEARTED but also - TIMID , which makes since because on their instagram ( LUCAS.V.BOYD ) it says they are a VIRGO . when i see them , i think of A DESK COVERED IN EMPTY COFFEE MUGS, DANDELIONS GROWING THROUGH THE SIDEWALK, THE UGLIEST GODDAMN SWEATERS YOU’VE EVER SEEN. the most interesting thing i’ve heard about them though , is the fact that REDACTED  , but don’t tell anyone i told you that . ooc info . ally . 22 . est . she/her .

hello hello hellooooooooooooooo. i’m ally, i’m from canada, and i’m addicted to tik tok i’m so excited to be here!! this has been an opportunity to bring back an old and beloved muse of mine, one lucas victor boyd ! if you like this, i’ll hyu on discord, or you can hmu at known simp harry hook#3923. 

statistics.

full name. lucas victor boyd  nickname(s). just lucas. not luke or lou, just lucas.  occupation. undergraduate student, beaumont campus tech support  age. nineteen. date of birth. september 2nd, 2001.  nationality. american. ethnicity. ashkenazi jewish, scottish. orientation. gay. gender & pronouns. cis male; he/him/his.

height. 6′0”. weight. 145 lbs. eye color. hazel. hair color + style. dark brown; usually messy and curly. he gets it cut short at the beginning of the semester and then by the end its a mop. really doesn’t style it.   dominant hand. right-handed. distinguishing features. distinctive nose, lanky figure, messy curls, undereye bags, that cute li’l mole. 

background. (tw alcoholism, death of a parent) 

SO. lucas was born in portland, maine, to a pretty lower middle class family. his father left when he was two years old, and he was largely raised by his mother, florence weber. 

florence was a hardworking and loving mother, but she was also quite depressed her entire life. she was a recovered alcoholic when she met judas, lucas’s father, but once he left, she slowly slid back into her old habits. 

by the time lucas was eight, he was having to start to pick up some household responsibilities. cooking, cleaning, packing his own lunch. waking his mom up in time for her shifts at target. 

by the time he was in middle school, he’d learned how to forge her signature on cheques, he’d applied for unemployment for her after she got fired, and he was taking any odd job to make money. 

school was his favorite distraction; he was always a brilliant kid, and if it weren’t for the fact he was already a terribly shy and awkward kid, he could have skipped a couple grades. he threw himself into schoolwork to avoid everything; his mother’s worsening condition, his crippling loneliness, his fear that he might be as gay as every one of his bullies insisted. 

this was, also, around when he picked up his most lucrative but troublesome odd job; hacking into the school board network to get test answers. he could get fifty dollars per person per test, and he was able to buy groceries besides beans and rice, was able to buy new clothes for himself and his mom. he felt awful about it every day, but... he still did it.

(death tw) at sixteen, when he found his mom motionless and cold on the floor of their apartment, he buried himself in his work, too. he couldn’t help but feel guilty, though; it was his work, his taking care of everything that had allowed his mom to keep her addiction up for this long.

so, yeah. there’s a very good reason why he doesn’t go back to portland anymore. he spent last summer in cambridge. well, that and his Secret. 

since the beginning of his freshman year, lucas has had something of a glow-up. he signed up for the school’s counselling services before he even got to campus, and he’s been making great strides. 

additionally, he pledged phi kappa delta, which... he never saw himself pledging a frat, ever in his life. but all the guys there were so... cool. and so supportive and nice and... and they’re like the brothers lucas never had. having that little family has helped him gain that much more confidence in himself. 

personality. 

if there was an onion headline for lucas’s life it would be Nervous Wreck Slowly Becomes a Functional Human Being.

very virgo, very type a. but also a pisces moon cancer rising. so he needs everything to be in alphabetical order or he’ll cry.

ever since he’s started college, he’s transitioned from being As Plain As Possible to being more outwardly soft as he’s gained confidence in himself. he wears the dorky sweaters and neat socks he likes, he has a small collection of plants on his desk, he knits scarves for his friends. big hufflepuff energy. again, this comfort largely comes from the acceptance he’s found at phi kappa delta.

slowly getting over his Big Anxiety. slowly learning how to talk to people. still awkward at parties. still has panic attacks every day during exam season. but he adores his therapist and takes his zoloft every day and he’s… he’s doing alright.

there are things he is sure of. his intelligence, his diligence, his ability to get shit done. he’s recently mastered asking fellow customers to please be kind to servicepeople.

still he’s that guy who doesn’t want to tell the waiter they got his order wrong.

he’s literally highkey fucking brilliant. he’s literally at the top of his class in one of the most difficult programs at one of the most difficult universities in the country. 

a chronic people pleaser up until the point that it breaks his moral code. like if you want him to help you cheat or help you toy with someone he will put his foot down. he’ll do it very softly, but he won’t budge.

(though he is known to do mathematics and computer science homework for his friends when they’re overtired. he’s always the one to offer in that case, though.)

the rare gay who is extremely capable in math. legit he gets so excited about math it’s actually really cute.

theres a part of him that still believes in magic, to some capacity. he still wishes on shooting stars and pennies on the ground and dandelions. 

his greatest strength and fatal flaw is that he sees the best in people. even if he knows you tried to hurt him, he will give chance after chance.

(but he works in tech support rn So. he’s slowly losing his belief in humanity.) 

in conclusion, here are some tik toks that describe lucas 

him in kindergarten

he can’t write i’m so sorry

 just.... the Vibes 

wanted connections. 

skinny love. lucas is extremely shy, especially in romantic situations. he cannot flirt to save his goddamned life. he also probably thinks this person is out of his league. (honestly i want a romantic plot for him so bad gimME) 

close friends. GIVE HIM FRIENDS FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKING GOD he’s such a good friend he just wants to love people.

lawyer for real life. based off this john mulaney bit. someone who reminds lucas that someone is mistreating him.

lab partner. idk man i just like that easy camaraderie. or maybe they make lucas do all the work in which case he will eventually snap.

tutoree. someone that lucas basically helps out of the good of his heart.

bad influence. someone get this boy TURNT

manipulator. lucas does have a bit of a backbone, but he is incredibly naive and very easily manipulated. basically he will do your stats assignments for you if you say he’s your friend.

academic rival. lucas is not typically an antagonistic person, but having someone be so obviously smarter than him grinds his gears a little bit. his mood when talking to this person is :))))))))))

literally anything pls i’m desperate and he’s baby

[thedarkestdragonknight]

About the Muse: Ra’sohn Tia

full name. Ra’sohn Tia (Does not take on the title of Nunh because his tribe has been wiped out) pronunciation.  r ah s UH n tea-ah nicknames. None height. 6 fulms, 5 ilms (6 foot 5 inches or 198.12cm) age. 22 zodiac. Aquarius (Born on the 20th Sun of the First Umbral Moon, Feb. 18th) languages. Common Eorzean, Huntspeak (Miqo’te) and some Xaelan from the Steppe with a bit of Hingan for good measure. However, Ra’sohn more or less expresses himself through body language more than actually talking and for him, body language means more than words. Something he picked up on from his mother who told him about the Qestir of the Azim Steppe.

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS.

hair colour.  Pale, almost white in certain lighting but is actually a very pale pastel blue in coloration. Has naturally occurring black highlights to his hair. Usually unkept and shaggy in appearance. eye colour.  Eyes to match his hair with one being a light pale blue where it looks white or silver in the right light while the other is black and gives him an almost creepy vibe. skin tone.  Due to living in the desert before his capture Ra’sohn’s complexion is a very deep rich tanned color which gives a very big contrast to his pale hair and eye. body type.  Muscular with a very fit frame and form to him. Being a slave as well as a gladiator and fighter for the slave market he is currently housed in has left him very muscular and fit. And before his capture he was an avid hunter for his family. accent.  Ra’sohn doesn’t really have much in the way of an accent but he has been known to do the rolling of his R’s from time to time when he gets extremely agitated or emotions are running high. dominant hand. ambidextrous, however will often prefer his left hand over his right  posture.  In most cases he tends to be more tense and tends to fall on Miqo’te habits of trying to look as fierce and big as possible. Basically, he can be good postured but most of the time he’s bad at it. scars. Due to his life as a gladiator for the slave market that owns him Ra’sohn has quite a number of scars on his form ranging from little knicks to more nasty ones. Most generally disappear after a time due to healing however so scars come and go unless they are so severe that they leave behind a permanent mark. tattoos.  None, though Ra’sohn has been known to wear tribal paints on his body in the arena when fighting. Usually very vibrant and flashy colors to throw off his opponents. most noticeable features. Because Ra’sohn is half Au Ra, specifically half Xaelan, he has quite a number of features that stick out when it comes down to it. The biggest feature is that his tail is longer than most Miqo’te and Au Ra’s and it blends both races together with a long line of fur running along the top half of the tail and the bottom being armored with scales. The end bursts into a plume of fur while also having the spike like features of an Au Ra tail that come out of the sides. Scales run down the length of his back starting from the back of his neck down to the base of his tail and they spread out over his hips and down his legs towards his knees. He also had longer claws on his hands and toes as well. The final thing to note is that he has a large set of horns on his head.

CHILDHOOD.

place of birth.  A small tribe formed by his father Ra’tahve in the Burning Wall of Eastern Thanalan. hometown.  None, the village was his home really. birth weight / height. Larger than your normal Miqo’te ‘kitten’ but smaller than your average Au Ra child. manner of birth.  Natural, his mother had a very successful and easy birth with no complications to speak of. He was born extremely healthy and as his mother would put it with lungs that could make even Ifrit deaf. siblings. None, Ra’sohn was the only child born before his father passed away. parents.  Ra’tahve Nunh (Seeker of the Sun, Deceased), Yesuntei Oronir (Steppe Xaela, Unknown) parental involvement. Both of Ra’sohn’s parents played a huge part in his upbringing with both being constantly present up until his early teenage years when his father fell ill with a disease that would later claim his life. Ra’sohn’s father and mother both helped to raise him and teach him not just how to survive in the wilds but also how to fight and hunt with various weapons so that he would not have to rely on any one thing. His mother also helped to teach him various ways to better himself and techniques that were common with the Oronir of the steppe. Overall, Ra’sohn’s parents were there for him until his father passed away and by that point he was old enough to go out on his own, which lead to his capture and enslavement.

ADULT LIFE

occupation.  Gladiator and Slave. current residence.  Has no real ‘home’ so to speak of close friends. None, he isn’t really one to actually go about making friends since his focus is clearly on survival and possibly escaping his fate. relationship status. For the most part ‘single’ would be the best term used for this. financial status. Ra’sohn has no real money to his name, while he makes a living fighting as a Gladiator, what money he earns is usually not kept. So he doesn’t really have any financial status. driver’s license. Ra’sohn likely learned how to ride a horse with his mothers training but really, he’s more likely to run anywhere than rely on any sort of mount. criminal record.  None that he’s aware of really. Then again he has likely beaten people and potentially killed people who were too stubborn to back down in the arena. vices. I mean... one big one would likely be it’s not a ‘crime’ unless you’re caught. (I’m bad at this can’t you tell? Lol)

SEX & ROMANCE.

sexual orientation.  Homosexual  romantic orientation.  Panromantic. polyamorous.  preferred emotional role.  submissive | dominant | switch  |  unsure preferred sexual role.  submissive  |  dominant  |  switch |  sex repulsed libido. Given his job as a slave and a fighter/gladiator Ra’sohn has a fairly healthy drive all things considered. Though he doesn’t like to admit it, he does enjoy the... satisfaction that comes from pleasuring customers. turn on’s. Hair Pulling, Biting, Clawing... he’s a bit of a wild boy and tends to be turned on by a wide variety of things in all honesty. But if you want to drive him insane pair something rough with a gentle touch afterwards. turn off’s. Non-consent, doing anything that he strictly tells someone no to, most of the general things that are seen as disgusting, etc. love language. He doesn’t really have much in the way of a love language because he’s not really had the chance to experience true love. relationship tendencies.  Cuddling and resting against his partners, grooming them and gently stroking his hands through their hair. Usually tends to happen only with people he feels extremely comfortable with otherwise he has no real tendencies once he is done with his customer for the evening unless they ask for something specific for afterwards.

MISCELLANEOUS.

hobbies to pass the time. Acrobatics, Yoga, fighting and sparring. He’s also been learning to pick locks as best he can so that he can try and sneak away from his current life. Singing is also something he does but rarely and only in private. mental illnesses. Mild Anxiety, Depression, with small hints of him having brief psychotic disorder physical illnesses. None, he’s healthy for his age and has little wrong with him in regards to overall physical health.  left or right brained. Dominantly Right due to his stronger creative habits. fears. Guns and Magitek Devices/Machines, Having a permanent master, being Drugged/Drugs, Not earning his freedom or regaining his freedom, Death. self confidence level.  Ra’sohn is fairly confident with himself but he has learned to put on a face when he is entertaining other people. Deep down he can be seen as meek and very much not confident in himself, when he’s alone anyway. vulnerabilities. Ra’sohn is a fighter and this can easily get him into a lot of trouble, he doesn’t always know when to fight and when to run and spare himself problems. He can also easily be crippled by his fears, specifically those involving the potential for having a permanent master in his life or when it comes to being taunted about never being free again. Lots of little things here and there as well but he’s still in development.

Tagged By: @benes-diction

Tagging: @theaetherhealerffxiv @talechaser-ffxiv @skyysinger @jarethnunh @thorcatte @shur-kha-ffxiv @theredlilycrew and um... um... whoever sees this and wants to do it ;v;

[rachel-hathburn]

(( DOVE CAMERON, 23, SHE/HER, BISEXUAL)) [Y]? NO, THAT’S [PENELOPE WASH] BUT THEY CAN ALSO BE CALLED THE [THE WISEACRE ]. I’VE HEARD THEY CAN BE [DRIVEN && UPBEAT] BUT ALSO [JUDGEMENTAL && HIGH STRUNG]. THEY CALL OCEANSIDE THEIR HOME WHEN THEY AREN’T TOO BUSY BEING A/AN [ELEMENTARY TEACHER]. WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT THEM, YOU CAN ALWAYS PICTURE [SHARPENED PENCILS, THE FIRST BREAK OF DAWN, PAINTED NAILS]. – MEGAN, EST, SHE,HER –

LINK TO HER WANTED CONNECTIONS

>Penelope Wash| Pen, Penne, Penny, Princess P, PP, Poe<

Pronunciation

✎{PEN}-{EL}-{OPEE}

Age

✎23

Gender

✎FEMALE

Race

✎WHITE

Languages

✎ENGLISH- (A bit of french from one college class)

Height

✎5′8 (I know Dove is pretty short but I see Pen being on the taller side)

Birthday

✎ SEPTEMBER 15th

Zodiac

✎VIRGO

Blood Type

✎ O+, 

Alignment

✎NEUTRAL/NEUTRAL

Spirit animal

✎COUGAR; 

Leadership

Standing Behind Convictions

Confidence

Clever

Awareness

Learning Proper Use of Power

Messenger Between Human and Divine Beings

Balance

Steadfast

Responsible

Dependable

Family History

Penelope didn’t always live in her neighborhood or house she does now. She actually used to live in a far bigger house with her Mother, Father, and Older Sister. Her Mother and Father were the farthest thing from the nurturing type and treated their daughters like robots, always coding them to perform at an unachievable level; Her older sister Prim however didn’t find it so unachievable and was exactly what their parents always wanted. Prim went on to become a neurosurgeon and once she got to job moved out to Vermont, their parents deciding to follow with her. Penelope was left on her own basically at 19 and a half, with nothing but a crippling understanding that she was useless and began to forever deem herself that way. She tried to contact her parents and sister but seeing as none of them ever really took a liking to Pen, she never got a response back. Penelope was given everything in life, finically, and never really was taught how to support herself.  It wasn’t long until the girl began getting heavily into the party scene which inevitably brings about a lot of negative inhibitions, however the girl struck gold with meeting the people she’d soon come to live with in the Animal House. These people soon became her family and she enrolled into a community college,  got her degree in education, and landed an amazing teaching job at a near by school. ~• •~

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"Above all, be the heroine of your life. Not the victim." — Nora Ephron 

Age of Appearance

✎Pen always tend to look a bit younger at first glance, especially without any make-up on, however her height and demeanor change that once you actually speak with the girl.

Body Type

✎Pen likes to take care of herself, she tends to keep busy with the chaotic house she lives in and with her work.

Skin Tone

✎Pale, blushes easily. 

Complexion

✎ Freckles on the top of her nose, faint.

Birthmarks

✎She has a birthmark right under her rib-cage, someone once told her birthmarks are how you died in a past life, and she been convinced she was stabbed there ver since.

Scars

✎She has one large scar on her arm, a burn from back when the animal house began and she drunkenly tried to make stir-fry for everyone.

Cosmetics

✎It’s rare for someone to see Penelope with out her face done. 

Outfit

✎She dress in a way that makes her look put together and classic. However she does step it up and go all out when going out on the town.

Accessories

✎She has a necklace from when she was little that never leaves her skin.

Body Modification

✎She has gotten lip fillers before and keeps up with them regularly. 

Are they confident in the way they look:

✎Yes, Pen is secure in her appearance and takes pride in her looks.

~•  •~

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“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”– Lao Tzu

General Temperament

✎Penelope is generally a bit cold off first impression, unless you’re close with her or are one of her students. However once she warms up to you the girl is very caring and attentive to your needs.

Happiness

✎Penelope finds her happiness through helping her students learn, she says theres nothing better than when a kid is struggling and then finally grasp the concepts, it is one of the most rewarding things to the girl and a big part of why she loves her job so much. 

Sadness

✎There are many things that make the blonde sad, however only a few that really rock to her core. Poverty, kids coming in without supplies that are needed, and climate change are some of the more impersonal ones. Her family is 100% a home run of sadness. 

Anger

✎Penelope gets angry when people are extremely reckless, which is ironic because she used to be the poster child for recklessness, I mean she is living in the animal house after all. But as she's grown up, the girl has done a big 360 and now is one of the most responsible people in the neighborhood. As she gotten to be the teacher to many of the children living around other close neighborhoods she finds it disrespectful when people are reckless outside of their own homes.

Confusion

✎Penelope is confused about what to do with her living situation. The girl wants to move and get a smaller place of her own but she knows some of her room-mates would fall off the deep end without the structure she brings to the house, and even though the girl puts on a tough mask, she is a softie at her core, especially for her room-mates who she deeply loves.

Favorites

Animal

✎She loves big cats. period.

Flower

✎forget-me-nots, when Pen was little the name used to make her cry, but they’ve come to be her favorite flower of all time.

Weather/Time of the day/Season

✎For someone living in California it’s hard to imagine her favorite weather not being clear and sunny; but yet, Pen likes the cold. Nothing makes her happier than when their little town finally starts to cool off a bit.

Food

✎Penelope is good a cooking, she can’t make anything extreme but she’s learned how to whip up a nice dinner and usually does so for her house. 

Drink

✎Nothing makes Pen happier than a spiked lemon-aide.

Colour

✎Pink! If that isn’t obvious.

Country

✎All she has ever known is california, but the girl has always been fascinated by paris, hence why she took up french in college.

H͟a͟b͟i͟t͟s͟

Social skills

✎ Penelope is a natural at schmoozing and knowns how to put on charm when she wants to. 

Insecurities

✎Penelope is insecure in that fact that she never feels proud of herself, her accomplishments never really feel like they’re enough and she is always striving to be useful or helpful to someone so she doesn’t get left behind. But she’d never say that out loud.

Hostility

✎Penelope tends to be very forward when she’s angry, but through working with elementary school kids she has learned how to calmly talk through her emotions, or so she tries.

Fears

✎Being completely useless.

Drives|Motivation

✎Penelope always feels like she has to prove herself, even if the only person she’s proving anything to is herself, and that keeps her driven and motivated.

Dreams|Aspirations

✎To have a family of her own and to make sure her students get the best education possible.

~•  •~

First Words: ball

What emotions to the attribute to their childhood: rejection

Morning Person or Night Owl: morning person

Significant Childhood Memory: Pen’s parents bringing her and Prim to the amusement park because they both got straight As

Current Residence: Animal House

Occupation: Second grade teacher

What do they smell like: Vanilla and rose

What words or phrases do they overuse: “Okay- got it, thanks.”

Do they have a catch phrases: “Can you- not.”

What is their greatest accomplishment: Their job

What smells remind them of their childhood: The smell of pencils

What was their childhood ambition: To please her parents 

Do they believe in love at first sight: No

Do they believe in true love: Yes

Have they ever had their heart broken: Yes

Are they ticklish: Very

Can they keep a secret: Absolutely 

How do they display affection: Words of affirmation

Are they okay with PDA (Public Displays of affection): Yes, a tasteful amount

Are they a virgin: No

How do they want other people to view them: Successful 

Are they competitive: Yes, very.

Deadly Sin : Envy 

Heavenly Virtue:  Diligence

Are they a minimalist or a hoarder: bit of a hoarder with classroom supplies

Where do they go to feel safe: in their room

Where do they go when they’re angry: the beach 

What password do they use for everything: penpalpenny333

What is their favorite day of the week: wednesday

What do they keep in their pockets: spare erasers 

What is their most treasured object: she has a necklace she wears 24/7

Do they have any pet peeves: slobs and slow walkers

How confident are they: 5/10

How generous are they: 10/10

How creative are they: 9/10

How honest are they: 6/10

How loyal are they: 8/10

Are they manipulative: She for sure can be but only if there is a calling for it

How predictable are they: Pen has her moments where the retired party animal will randomly appear but other than that her schedule is pretty regular

How do they flirt with people: by trying to appease them 

Book smart or street smart: A healthy mix

Do they prefer being hot or cold: cold, pen loves the cool weather

What do they think is the worst thing you could do to another person: Abandon them

How do they deal with stress: By doing one million things at once

Are they comfortable crying in front of other: Only a select few, and even then its rather uncomfortable for her

What social justice issue would they be most passionate about: Proper education for less fortunate kids.

If they could change one thing about themselves what would it be: Pen would change her inner need to please and accommodate those around her.

Sexually Explicit Questions:

Are they a top or a bottom (Or do they switch): Definitely a secret bottom there is no doubt.

How important is sex to them: Like on a scale?? maybe a 6

Do they believe it is a mostly emotional act or a mostly physical act: Pen thinks it can be both

Turnons: Caring people, acts of service, when someone is trying not to smile. 

Turnoffs: Ignorance, Toxic Masculinity, and people who hate children. 

[sights-on-the-scifi]

MASS EFFECT: Simulated social interaction and you.

MASS EFFECTS role in helping me cope with loneliness and social exclusion.

I have a form of autistic spectrum disorder, called Asperger’s syndrome. 

Naturally it renders social interaction, basic communication and detection of social ques extremely difficult to the point of it being mentally taxing... Stress, anxiety, depression they are not problems for me more so bi products of my experience and disability making life unnecessarily difficult. Combined with the fact that my life is already difficult even without a disorder its pretty rubbish circumstances. For example in order for me to read intent in online conversation conducted with text sometimes, I often have to ask directly what that might be. To even have a hope of finding it out in the first place.

“Sorry. ill. Try. to. slow. downnnnnn... NO NO NO, Cant do it! Who are you?”

A lot of the time once I am active socially, I dont stop being so. I talk and talk and talk and talk, without pause not because I want to do so to annoy anyone. But because it is as natural as breathing for me. 

As a result though people do get annoyed and frustrated or misinterpret what i’m saying etc and I get insulted constantly, booted out of social circles and generally mocked endlessly for being the way I am even by my own parents...

Theres little one can actually do in this situation beside confine yourself to crippling loneliness and or generally become detached from the world out of fear of it... Its a darkness one cannot escape from, as it is always present where ever you go in society online or real life. But there is a way to feel at home and cared for while also caring for others at the same time... And that is through games and movies!

THE INHERENT ABSURDITY OF SIMULATED SOCIAL INTERACTION IN GAMES.

As a kid and even now (though to a lesser extent due to the fact that I can see past fabrications of reality with age) games especially like MASS EFFECT provided me with simulations of people and their relatable personalities. Who I as Shepard could always get to talk to and feel part of something bigger than myself, by travelling the galaxy in exciting shared adventures with them all...

To feel alive and cared for, while also caring for others.

When people say that the biggest reason that they like the MASS EFFECT franchise is because of the characters to an overwhelming extent... That is no accident or surprise, since the games are precision engineered to facilitate that response from you!

None of these people actually exist, so game designers, conceptual artists and skilled writers have to go out of their way to trick your brain into thinking they are real not just visually but also through dialogue.

Think of it as the MATRIX lol oh no! You have taken the red pill so DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE WE GO! Que the ominous Don Davis soundtrack!

SHEPARD IS A BIT SOCIALLY AWKWARD.

Something you have to understand about MASS EFFECT is that Shepard. If he or she actually existed would probably come off as a bit of a weirdo... Especially considering all that listening in on conversations in ME3 OH BOI!

Shepard has an almost super natural ability to be social-able with anyone and everyone he or she meets, lock them in endless conversations and rarely if ever get asked a personally question by those people he or she also ceaseless hurls universe questions at. Seemingly out of convenience for allowing him or her to get knowledge bombed about that universe he or she inhabits at any point in time.

You are not just playing a scifi game, you are playing a game of a charismatic power fantasy as Shepard through dialogue.

This makes sense as he or she pretty much serves as a player avatar/individual character. He or she is a vessel by which we sail the universe and interact with its many characters whether they like to or not, it very much seems lol.

This also makes it perfect for lonely minds to find peace in, in an increasingly digitised world where more often than not we all nearly find ourselves becoming lost in fiction to enrich our lives where otherwise we would not be able to find it out and about in the mundane routines of modern life that are inherently alienating in their cold indifference to humanity.

SIMULATED FRIENDS!

All those likeable, relatable and friendly people you constantly interact with on the Tempest and Normandy are just simulations. Very carefully constructed and well thought out simulations! Those warm and fuzzy feelings you get through romance and interaction are all intended by the developers, designers and writers, and you can get a strong sense for this fact in interviews and making of documentaries.

That movie night you had, that beer you shared, that hug you had together in a moment of sadness. It is all engineered to effect you the viewer, it is all a vicarious social experience.

And that is not a bad thing, infact it may just be what saves a lot of peoples lives in the lonely world of today.

[bookishbeautie]

My Journey to Self Discovery

So this post was originally posted on my website here. The main reason I am reposting it is because I want to set up the blogs theme and I need some content to be able to see what everything will look like. 

But I am also very proud of this. Even though my thoughts are all a mess and there is no structure or proper grammar, I am proud that I have finally made my first post. 

Friday, November 8th 2019. 1:15 AM

Anxiety has seemed to cripple my life for as long as I can remember. Many of my family members who may read this may disagree as they generally think am an outgoing people-person.

The truth is, it is only around very select few people that I tend to open up and have more confidence. Over the years the number of people I have in my trust circle has shrunk considerably.

I have never been one to have many friends, so it’s not like I ever really had a huge group of people around me, but all the people I thought I trusted and knew well enough to have in my life until I was well into my old age has shrunk all the way down to zero. The only people I really consider close enough to trust would be my family.

This doesn’t mean that all these people left, there were a couple people that I had considered to have left (and I don’t blame them), but for the most part it was all my doing. But nevertheless there is still the emotional pain from these loses that I never seemed to have processed.

I have never had a steady sense of self. There is not one thing that contributed to this, but I do place a lot of blame of the bullying I endured while I was growing up. I grew up wanting to please people. I wanted people to like me. So when people didn’t like me for whatever reason - whether it be because I dressed a little more tomboy and alternative than all the other girls my age, or because of my taste in music, or even just because I seemed to be the sore thumb of my grade. The bullying never stopped. At one point I found myself asking what I needed to do in order for them to just leave me alone

I got a whole list of things I needed to do. And I pretty much had to change everything about myself. And let me tell you, I tried. I asked people I considered friends how I could accomplish

This moment has always stuck with me.

This seems so silly to talk about now when this happened like 15 years ago, but these are still memories that weight on my heart and seem to prevent me from moving forward with my life.

I have such a fear of judgement and abandonment, I have based almost all of my life decisions around those fears.

Because I would give into my fears, I slowly gave them more and more power and didn’t notice that in return my world was growing smaller and smaller. I started reaching out to people less, then would rarely reply when someone reached out to me. I started going out less and preferred to stay at home. If I made plans I would cancel them last minute even though I would then be swallowed by a wave of depression knowing that I was doing more damage than good giving into the anxiety

And this pattern has happened for years. The more independence I have gained with age the more I seem to isolate myself. I give too much power to the voices in my head that tell me I am not good enough and that I shouldn’t even bother participating in life because happiness is not something you deserve.

And it is so hard getting out of that mindset when every molecule in your body believes that and has believed it for the majority of your life.

Of course I want to better myself. Of course I want to live life for me and achieve all the things I dream about at night. I want to travel the world and carve my own path in life. I want to have a family. I want to make a name for myself. I want to pursue my passions. Yet the dreams I have always had did not match the expectations and family and most of all society. I have never fit in a mold, I have always done things my own way, yet I have now had the courage and the strength to stick up to all the voices that are telling me I will fail or that I am not good enough.

The past un-dealt with fear has festered for so long I can barely accomplish anything. Whenever I do start a new venture or hobby, the passion comes on life a tidal wave. I could stay up for days straight brainstorming new things, but when it comes to actually sitting down and putting genuine effort in, I panic.

The voices in my head start getting louder. I have the voices of my parents criticizing me for not ever finishing anything. The voices in my head of my peers who laughed and mocked any time I did put myself and my work out there. I felt like I could never make anyone happy.

But thats the exact problem.

I have lived my entire life wanting to make other people happy thinking that peoples opinions of me will equal what I am worth. While I have craved to life an independent life solely for myself, my actions have done the complete opposite.

And now I am a 26 year old girl who is still living in her teenage self’s head.

But that’s where this blog comes in. This beautiful blog that I have been trying to start since May 2013.

For reference, it’s now November 2019.

That just tells you how shit I am at doing anything.

But I am tired of living this way. Im tired of living in the past. I am tired of giving weight to the opinion of people who don’t matter in my life. I am tired of worrying about what everyone thinks of me and thinking I need to get others approval of myself if I am ever going to be happy.

I hope that through this self discovery journey I am able to connect with others out there who may have had similar experiences. I am hoping to learn how to trust other people and let people in. I am a very emotional person but it seems when it comes to friendships I have built up walls too high for me to scale.

But most of all, I hope I can use this blog as a journey of transformation. Right now I know my head is a jumbled mess, but I am hoping that the more I just right and document how I am feeling and what exactly I want out of life, I will slowly be able to paint a vivid, colourful, exquisite life for myself.

I'd also really like to learn grammar. I know this must be painful to read.

Baby steps.

Lisa