#fuck off with that shit you fucking walnut

[bagofshinyrocks]

Period Comfort

Prompt: How the boys act when their S/O is on their period. [Requested by @weebumochi]

Featuring: TF141 and Los Vaqueros - John Price, Simon "Ghost" Riley, Kyle "Gaz" Garrick, Johnny "Soap" MacTavish, Alejandro Vargas, and Rodolfo "Rudy" Parra (separately) x GN!Reader

Word Count: 1.2k

Warnings: reader menstruates, but no mention of genitalia; menstruation discomfort; nothing else i can think of, but lemme know if there's more

John Price

Always gets you water and a fresh cup of tea once your cups looks a little low.

Finds out what meals are best for someone on their period and focuses on making those for the week.

You two would make food with beef, eggs, and fish (if you eat them); spinach, squash, and brussel sprouts. All the nutritious stuff. 

And then he would make treats for you, especially dark chocolate on almonds or walnuts. Bring you bananas, berries, figs. You felt like ancient Mesopotamian royalty. All things that were also good for you, but were more traditional period comfort food of “sweet”. 

If you really needed to eat half a family sized bag of barbeque potato chips, he would fetch them and put them in a bowl for you. No questions asked. No movement in the eyebrows. A loving smile as he asks what movie you two were going to watch.

 But for dinner, he’s making something without so much… sodium.

Does everything he can to make your period easier on you.

Simon Riley

Doesn’t tell you that he knows you’re on your period, but that shit is on the calendar. Doesn’t want to make you feel like he’s all “oh is it that time of the month?”. So he pretends nothing is different.

He’s always so sweet to you, but he’s especially so when you’re on your period.

There are absolutely no gibes or pokes at the tender part of your heart. And whenever you’re most hormonal (which is also on the calendar), he might not tease you at all. Because one time he was a little snarky with you, and normally it would roll right off, but you were just a teensy bit too hormonal. And you got quiet. And your lip quivered. And he didn’t stop apologizing the whole day.

Any shows or movies he normally sighs about (but still sits down and watches… and gets invested in, the lying shit), there is no fussing.

“Alright, lovie, sounds good. Do you want another cuppa while I’m up?”

Need some quiet time by yourself? He has some errands to run, let him know what you want for dinner.

Just does his best to make sure you never feel crazy when you’re on your period.

Kyle Garrick

When the worst of your period comes in, it becomes the typical night in.

The dumbest movies that you two love. Dessert eaten before dinner. Favorite takeout and all the accoutrement available. A glass of wine or some other treat beverage. Matching pajama sets.

Kyle had almost fallen asleep when you massaged a yummy-smelling hair mask into his scalp, and then pulled a ‘oh I was just resting my eyes’. And then he returned the favor, painting a luxurious facial mask on you. Making hearts on your cheeks, then spreading them out. You were fairly sure he drew boobs on your forehead, but then smeared it out and insisted you were just imagining it.

You give each other manicures, and hand feed the other food whilst their nails dried. Kissing chocolate and strawberries off each others lips and chins.

Once his hair was wrapped up, he’s all snuggled up in your arms. The heat and weight of his body against your abdomen was soothing. And the gentle snoring of the love of your life.

Everything he can to make you feel comfortable and attractive in your own skin.

Johnny MacTavish

He gets up at the ass crack of dawn to go for a run (like a fucking psycho). Once you wake up, he wants to go to the gym with you. Whether or not you work out, or just poke his butt because it’s funny, he wants you there. But not today. Your cramps, or just the general yuckiness of menstruating, makes you want to not leave the house.

So he hops on the internet, and finds the workouts, stretches, and yoga poses that would help you feel better.

The most gentle workout he’s had in his life. Stretching with the speed of tai chi, leaning against your back and chatting quietly.

Kisses wherever he can reach as you two figure out the yoga poses. Sticks his ass out as far as he can so you’ll poke it. Whistles whenever you begin a pose that’s even marginally suggestive. Waggles his eyebrows and maybe even cops a feel.

Double checks that you aren’t overexerting yourself. Stops for water (and kiss) breaks and asks how you’re feeling. What’s helping, what’s not helping? Time to stop, or keep going?

Helping with the physical and visceral symptoms so you’re more comfortable.

Alejandro Vargas

If he can, he’s clearing the schedule for the worst day of the week. Does grocery shopping and laundry before, so there is essentially nothing to do that day when Mother Nature is curb-stomping you.

Spoils you with a long lie-in. The sun has long since come up by the time you wake up to massages and kisses.

You join him for breakfast and a quick rinse off shower, and then you two crawl right back into bed. Leaning against him as he kneads the skin and muscles of your abdomen or back, a movie or the radio as ambient noise.

Maybe you fall back asleep. Maybe you watch an entire TV show. Maybe you putter about and do some light home-making. The goal is that you are fully rested.

I bet science says that you can’t “catch up on sleep”, but it’s still nice to have a day where you sleep for most of it. Especially when it’s curled up in bed with your sweet lover. His hands on you for the entire day, closely followed by his lips.

His whole body squeezing you tight when you try to leave, and wrapping around you again once you return.

Just physically reminding you of how much he loves you.

Rodolfo Parra

Once he sees a menstrual product wrapper in the bathroom trash can, he’s off to make the most professional grocery run you’ve ever seen.

Knows exactly which products you use, and checks which are low. Buys the right medications or products. The snacks that you love (that won’t betray you later with a stomach ache), and the little drink treat that’s for special occasions. 

You swear that he hears the crinkle of a wrapper in the bathroom and marches to the store.

Puts the groceries away while you’re finishing up the breakfast dishes and then offers you the little beverage and maybe a treat.

He guides you to the couch or back to bed, sidling up next to or behind you and kisses you deeply. Arms roaming and then settling in a way that keeps you as close as possible. Pressing against you as if you could become one.

Cuddles in the way that is most comfortable, whether you’re in his lap or laying down. Kisses you all over. Hand feeds you until you’re giggling too hard.

He never wants you to run out of the supplies you need, or feel any less sexy while menstruating. Because you are always so sexy to him.

Posted: 2024 January 7

[wordstome]

könig as the nutcracker 🥹🥹

you just brought some terrible sleeping beast out of me, anon.

nutcracker prince König x fem reader (mostly gender neutral but you're wearing a dressing gown)

tw: mouse murder???

He's a very odd looking nutcracker, all things considered, but you can't take your eyes off of him.

"If it's a nutcracker why does it have that stupid veil over its face?" Your brother asks, noisily crunching candies between his molars. You glare at him, both for the rude remark and for chewing with his mouth open.

"This is a special one," your aunt gushes. "He's based off of a legendary soldier who never showed his face on the battlefield. One of a kind, from a specialty toy shop.”

"How interesting..." You muse, gently rubbing the fabric of the veil between your fingers. It's sturdy fabric, but still soft to the touch.

"He was probably ugly as hell," your brother declares. You swat him, and he only cackles and gets up to graze at some more sweets.

"Maybe you should try covering that ugly mug up once in a while," you call after him. He pelts you with a walnut shell.

Your aunt shakes her head fondly. "This one's not just decorative," she says. "He's a real nutcracker by Steinbach."

You look at her, wide-eyed. "So he can crack nuts?"

She nods and tosses you a hazelnut. "Try it."

You lift the wooden man's veil a little to put the hazelnut in his mouth. You could just pull the whole thing up and out of the way, but that feels almost...forbidden? You're not sure why you feel this way—he's just a piece of wood, after all, and he probably doesn't even have anything painted on underneath the veil other than those vibrant blue eyes. But even so, you're hesitant to unmask him.

Cracking the nut works like a charm, though, and some childish excitement bubbles up inside you as the remnants of the cracked hazelnut spill into your palm. "That's incredible!" you gush, running your thumb over the nutcracker's lacquered uniform.

"What do you mean incredible, that's what nutcrackers are for." Your brother returns, a few walnuts rolling around in his palm. He holds his other hand out. "Give him here."

"No. You called him ugly, so he's mad at you," you say, teasing him by holding the nutcracker out of his reach.

Your brother rolls his eyes. "Give it here, you little shit."

"Crack your own nuts," you shoot back. "This is my nutcracker."

He makes another grab for it, and this time he manages to grab the nutcracker's arm. It's only a lighthearted tussle between siblings as you shove at your brother and he refuses to let go of the nutcracker's arm—until it's not.

A terrible snapping of breaking wood causes you to gasp. The two of you stumble away from each other from the force, your brother holding a tiny wooden arm in his hand. He's just pulled it clean off. On closer inspection, your idiot brother has somehow managed to Hulk-rip the arm piece off of the piece that fits inside the socket. "This is a brand new nutcracker, how did you fuck it up?!" you cry.

"Hey, you should have—" Your brother takes one look at your expression and decides not to give you a hard time. "Look, I'm sorry. I was too rough on it. Sit tight for a second." You sit there, numbly staring at the pieces of your poor nutcracker. Really, it's your fault too—why didn't you just let him have the damn thing?

And why is this upsetting you so much? The nutcracker's just a decoration, albeit one with a little more function than most. You feel a sort of attraction to this little wooden man in your hand, though. Maybe it's because his unique design is interesting, or maybe it's because you're intrigued by the idea of a masked soldier who never shows his face. Either way, he was your gift anyway, so it's not that unusual that you're attached to him...right?

"Here, let me see him." Your brother's back, but to your horror, he's holding a pair of needle-nose pliers. "Absolutely not," you respond, jumping up from where you were sitting on the floor. "You are not getting anywhere near my nutcracker with those things. You're just going to fuck it up even more."

"It'll be fiiine," he insists, clicking the pliers open and closed like some maniacal toy surgeon. You're not sure you like the devious glint in his eye. Your brother's a nice guy for the most part, but sometimes he gets this look in his eye that you imagine Dr Frankenstein must have had when he was assembling his creation.

You hold the nutcracker and his detached arm protectively to your chest. "I'll figure out how to fix him in the morning with glue or something," you insist. "I don't need you poking around with pliers and splintering the wood."

"Are you sure? I am sorry, for what it's worth."

You wave him off. You're still kind of mad at him, but you're both adults. You'll live. "Don't worry about it. I think I'm going to head to bed soon, anyway."

"You should keep his arm with him, dear," you aunt pipes up. She had gone into the kitchen during the whole ordeal, but had probably heard everything go down. "Tape it to his side or something. You wouldn't want to lose it."

That's a good idea, you muse, examining your poor amputated nutcracker. You're just about to take her suggestion when you get an idea.

Your brother checks in with you later, right before he goes to bed as well. "You can't be serious," he says. "You made him an arm sling?"

You tie the knot on the little scrap of cloth around the little wooden man's arm nice and snug. "Oh, I'm dead serious," you say. "Doesn't he look cute?"

Your brother lets out a resigned sigh. "Yeah. Sure."

The rest of the evening is relatively uneventful. You put the nutcracker in your room, right on top of the dresser, while you go about your bedtime routine. It always brings you a bit of joy to walk out of the bathroom and see him there, standing tall and proud.

Well, your evening would have been uneventful...had you not bolted awake in bed an hour or two later.

You're groggy and confused, trying to figure out what the hell is going on, when you hear the cacophony of noise. It sounds like footsteps, dozens upon dozens of them, stampeding through your walls. And then the mice show up.

They crawl up from the corners and the floorboards, swarming across your room. You're too terrified to move or even scream out, sure that you must be having some terrible nightmare or hallucination.

And then your nutcracker moves.

You're absolutely positive now that you must be dreaming, watching frozen from your bed as your nutcracker leaps down from your dresser as if he's a living, breathing man and beginning to fight the mice. And he's even...talking?

"Finally, some worthy adversaries!" you hear him cry. You gape at this bloodthirsty little soldier as he beats through mouse after mouse with his tiny sword.

It's an impossible battle, you think. There's no way he can take all those mice alone, and with one injured arm aside...you're usually pretty squeamish when it comes to dubious little animals, but you can't just leave your nutcracker to be overwhelmed. Besides, this is all a dream, so nothing matters, right?

There's one mouse, larger than the others, who's at the back of the pack, squeaking as if giving orders. You're having quite a wild dream, honestly, because the mouse is even wearing a little crown. Like a king, you think with some amusement. You reach over the edge of your bed to pick the mouse up by the scruff.

You're not quite sure what happens next. One moment, the mouse is chattering angrily at you, the next you're on the floor. At first you think you've simply lost your balance and fallen onto the floor, but when you scramble to your feet, you nearly fall over again as you take in your surroundings.

You've shrunk.

Your bedroom is cavernous above your head, your bedposts and furniture as tall as skyscrapers. And worse still, the mice are huge too: the once palm-sized mouse king is now as large as you are, sneering down at you from his snout. You didn't even know mice could sneer.

You yelp and throw yourself to the side to dodge one of the mice lunging at you. "It's time to wake up," you mutter to yourself through clenched teeth. "It would be really really nice to wake up right about now...!"

The mice are unrelenting, a vicious gleam in their eyes as they nip at your heels. They manage to corner you against a piece of furniture, snapping their jaws menacingly. All you can think to do is pray as they draw ever closer, their breath hot as they crowd around you—

A sword neatly lops off the head of one of the mice in front of you.

You gasp and look upwards to see your nutcracker looming above you, his sword gleaming in the low light of your bedroom. He's incredibly menacing at this size, his veil becoming intimidating rather than charming. You're far smaller than him now—if he had been a normal sized man, he would have easily cleared six feet. His eyes are vibrant and intense, staring down at you for a brief moment before they turn back towards his enemy.

You sit there, stock-still in awe as you watch him mow through his adversaries. It takes you a moment to realize you probably shouldn't be hanging around and gawping. Good thing, too, because your knight in shining lacquer is too distracted to notice he's being snuck up on. The larger mouse is creeping up behind him, a wicked glint in its eye.

"No!" you cry. Thinking fast, you pull off your slipper and chuck it at the mouse's head, stunning it. I can't believe that actually worked, you think.

You have to give your nutcracker some credit, his reflexes are wicked-sharp. In a single heartbeat, he's run the mouse king through with his sword. He cuts an imposing figure, his eyes sharp and deadly. But there's a sort of glee in them as well, the kind of thing that should make you uneasy.

It doesn't.

The rest of the mice, seeing their leader fallen, beat a hasty retreat, tugging the corpses of their fallen comrades along with them. You watch them, fascinated, until all that remains of the bloody conflict are a few tiny pools of blood streaked along your floorboards.

"I must thank you," comes the voice of your nutcracker. You look at him, unsure of what to say. You're welcome for throwing a shoe at a giant mouse to keep it from killing you?

"I...of course," is what eventually comes out. You smooth out your dressing gown in a futile effort to look presentable. "I couldn't let him hurt you."

The nutcracker tilts his head curiously. "You don't know me."

"Of course I do. You're my nutcracker," you say, instantly feeling silly once the words leave your mouth. You just received him as a gift, and you only just found out he was sentient anyway. You don't know why you feel so protective...

He shifts his injured arm, the sling still in place. "You bound my arm, as well."

You flush with embarrassment. "I-it was the least I could do," you stammer. "I shouldn't have let my brother do that. Really, it was my own fault—" Your words die in your throat as the nutcracker moves in close to you, so close that you can feel his body heat. Since when did he have body heat?

"Pretty," he murmurs under his breath. You stare at him, dumbfounded. Is your nutcracker...hitting on you?

Suddenly, you snap back to your senses. "Oh my God," you exclaim, staring down at yourself and then back towards your surroundings. "I'm still small. And I haven't woken up yet. Am I dreaming? I must be dreaming. Please tell me I'm dreaming." You pinch your skin, letting out a small exclamation when it hurts. But you still don't wake up.

"Hmm...you won't solve your predicament that easily, little one," the nutcracker muses.

"Wha—do you know how to fix this?"

"I have a hunch," he responds, brow furrowing. You hadn't noticed eyebrows on him when you were examining him earlier in the evening, you note.

"Do tell."

"You've had a curse placed on you, but I don't know how to break it. I do, however, know someone who might know how."

"Well then take me to them!" You stare at him beseechingly. You watch as several indecipherable emotions run through his eyes, then he nods.

You visibly relax. "Thank you."

"You'll have to trust me. You may find the whole process a little...fantastical."

"More fantastical than my nutcracker coming to life and fighting an army of mice on my bedroom floor?" you ask, cocking an eyebrow. His eyes crinkle in a way that must mean he's smiling.

"More fantastical than that," he says. He offers you a hand like a true gentleman, and to your shock, it feels like flesh, not wood. His grip is firm but soothing, his hand so huge it dwarfs your own.

"Let's do this, then."

uhhhhhhh wow this got kinda long I had to cut it short. I'll probably write a part 2? But it's gotta wait because I've got a gazillion other things to write first :P Thank you for the inspiration, anon! 🥺

[somanyratsinthewalls]

Kinktober Special Part 4

Mo’s Kinktober Special 

The Crew’s Whore (Part 4) (+18)

Summary: You are the former owner of the Grand Line’s most popular brothel. Your power fighting abilities got the attention of the captain of the Straw Hat Pirates. He had asked you to join their crew but what would you bring to the team? Your battle skills were hardly comparable to many of the other Straw Hats… but you actually had a great skill. Your years working as a high end escort had prepared you to become the private plaything for this pirate crew. You joined the Straw Hats as their personal sex toy.

Pairing: Usopp x afab!reader

WC: 3200 ehehehe

TW's: Alcohol consumption, cowgirl, face sitting, oral sex m receiving, blowjob, a little exhibitionism, virginity loss, virgin usopp :( , oral sex f receiving, pet names, begging, submissive usopp :(

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3

Chapter 4: The Liar

——

Earlier in the Day…

Zoro, Sanji and Usopp sat side by side on the railing of the deck watching their fishing poles in the water. The stores of meat were getting a little on the low side, and the whole crew knew what a nightmare their captain would be if there was a shortage of food, so it was all hands on deck for fishing duty. 

“So I had y/n in the bathroom the other day, it was insane.” Zoro starts after several long minutes of silence and no bites on the hooks.

“Yeah, I KNOW.” Usopp snaps back at the mention of what he walked in on a few days ago. 

“Haha oh yeah, I forgot about that.” Zoro chuckled and leaned back on his arm. “Sorry I’m not sorry, you were bound to see it some time. I don’t know why you don’t just have her for yourself for once, you’d understand it then. Oh wait, you’re too chicken shit.” 

“Chicken shit? Oh sorry I RESPECT women, and whatever configuration you had her in was NOT respectful.” Usopp shot back at the swordsman. 

“Oh yeah? Then why was she cummin’ all over the floor? Seemed pretty respectful to me.” Zoro smirked.

“He has a point, moss head. You obviously have no idea how to truly, romantically, pleasure a woman.” Sanji didn’t even turn his head to insult Zoro. 

“At least I’m not in there whimpering and begging! You think you’re quiet? It’s gross, shitcook, be a real man.”

Sanji stood up, abandoning his fishing pole, his right ankle beginning to flame. 

“Oh you want to fucking go, asshole?”

Zoro stands up to unsheathe a single sword. 

“Anytime, curly fuckface.”

“You guys really suck, man, I hope y’all know that.” Usopp sighed and grabbed his fishing pole to move it to the opposite side of the ship. He plants his pole against the railing as he lets Sanji and Zoro’s yelling fade into the background.

“HEY BROS? I SPECIFICALLY SAID NO DIABLÉ ON THE SHIP! CUT IT OUT!” Franky’s booming voice came from the top deck as he interrupted the idiots’ argument. 

Usopp thought about what Zoro said… he wasn’t chicken shit…

— —-

That Same Day, Much Later

This evening aboard the Thousand Sunny, the weather was warm and quite breezy. As per usual there was a large spread for dinner that Sanji had expertly prepared, and the alcohol was certainly flowing. You sat in between Luffy and Usopp, your ear drums basically exploded from the decibel of their laughing and story telling. 

“-And if I wasn’t there, that old lady AND her cat would have DIED!” Usopp was regaling the crew with some ridiculous story about a walnut tree that had been set on fire back in Syrup Village. Was it true? Absolutely not. Was he adorable? Of course. 

Luffy was laughing his ass off, believing every word. 

“Wow Usopp! You’re a real hero! I bet Mr. Snuggles owes you his life!” Luffy said between bouts of laughter. 

You giggled before you leaned in and poked the tip of Usopp’s nose, teasingly.

“You’re so cute, you know that?” You chuckled at him. 

“I.. uh…” Usopp stuttered out before quieting down, his cheeks flushed a dark red. Luffy, oblivious, picked the conversation up again, telling a story about a cat he accidentally tried to eat during his childhood with the bandits. 

After everyone had their fill of food and drink, the crew each returned to their own respective tasks and business. You hung in the galley for awhile, drinking another glass of wine and drying dishes for Sanji. He was always such a good boy for you, why not help him out?

One finishing your task, you gave Sanji a peck on the cheek, to which he fussed and fawned over you briefly, and you grabbed another glass of wine before heading down the stairs towards your room. With airy steps and chardonnay in your hand, you treaded down the hall towards the bedrooms. Before you turned the corner you heard something. A beautiful melody was being played somewhere nearby and it caught your ear. You decided to follow the enchanting sound to the door of the lounge and you pushed it open. 

Inside, Brook was playing a gorgeous tune on the piano alone. You smiled seeing him so happy and in his element. You sauntered over to the piano bench and sat down next to the large skeletal man. He notices you next to him and slows his playing to a softer volume. 

“Oh beautiful y/n! How nice of you to join me! Any requests?” 

“No, this is great. What you’re playing is lovely, please continue.” You sip your wine and close your eyes, enjoying the soft notes from the piano keys. Brook finishes his song and you clap your other hand to the wine glass gently to mimic applause. 

“Bravo, Bone Daddy.” You smile. You continue, “You know… I am sorry that you can’t… you know…” 

“Oh, don’t worry sweet y/n. It’s quite alright, it’s the thought that counts, right? Yohoohoho!”

“Hmm… I guess you’re right… Here.” You stand up from the piano bench and slide out. You hike your thumbs underneath your short, black pleated skirt. You grab the edge of your pink lace panties and pull them down to your ankles and step out of them. You grab your panties and fold them up nicely. You grab one of Brook’s skeletal hands and place the panties in them and close it up. “Keep em. My treat.”  You wink and you turn to walk out of the lounge. As you leave you hear unintelligible thanks spill from Brook’s bony mouth, saying he would cherish them as long as he lived (too bad he was already dead). 

You chuckled to yourself as you closed the door to the lounge behind you. You realize your glass was once again empty, so you returned to the galley to fill it. You poured another full glass of wine before heading out to the deck again. It was quiet, but you notice Usopp sitting on the deck fiddling with his slingshot and some sort of supplies from his bag. 

“Well hey there,” You holler at him from across the deck and begin to saunter towards him. 

“Oh, hey y/n. What are you doing out here?” Usopp doesn’t look up from his project. 

“Just hanging out. Though I’d enjoy this nice weather.” You walk towards the railing of the ship and lean forward on it. 

“Yeah it is nice out, hey if you go back in for another drink could you grab me a-“ Usopp looks up towards you facing outwards towards the sea. You were leaned over the railing and the wind was blowing your skirt up over your ass. Having taken off your panties, your bare cunt and cheeks were on full display for him. 

Usopp instinctively jumped up and moved his body behind yours to cover you. Although there was no one else on the deck, he thought to immediately shelter your most intimate bits from any prying eyes.  You felt him behind you and shot up. 

“Usopp…” You ask as you turn yourself around to face him, chests almost touching. 

“Y/n! What the hell are you doing? You…” He whispers and looks around, “you don’t have any panties on!” He very quietly but very harshly breaths out at you. 

You giggle. 

“Oh, that? Yeah. Does it bother you, Usopp? You don’t like seeing my pussy on the deck like this?” You tease him as you step closer to him, bringing your breasts to press against his torso. 

“No I mean I never said- I mean no! Wait yes I mean yes! Hold on, no, no I don’t dislike it I just-…” His brain was fried as if he just stuck his finger in an electrical socket. He could feel your nipples through your tight crop top. 

“Ohhh… so you DO like it?” You purr at him.

“YES obviously, yes it’s great I mean-“ He stutters as you wrap your hands around his neck. You pull him closer to you and you gently press your lips against his to shut up him. He freezes. It took at least a full 30 seconds for him to start kissing you back. Usopp finally gathers the courage to place his hands on your waist as you kiss him deeply. You pull back, holding the side of his face with one hand, looking into his nervous eyes. 

“Would you like to take me back to your room, Usopp?” You seductively ask. He blinks blankly at you. He wasn't chicken shit. He grabs your hand and pulls you quickly through the ship to his room. 

Closing the door behind you, you wrap your arms around him again, consuming him in another heavy make out session. You could feel his hands on your body shaking. 

“Nervous, sweetheart?” You pull back and coo at him. 

“Ha, nervous? Nah, no never. I do this all the time! You know I used to have a girlfriend back in Syrup Village, she was basically a princess and she and I-“ You press your finger to his lips. 

“We both know that’s bullshit.” You smirk at him. You trace your finger along his lips. “You’ve never touched a woman in your life. Never felt the hot, wet mouth of a woman on your cock. You’ve never tasted the sweet release of a pretty girl on your tongue. You’ve never felt the tight squeeze of a cunt while you’re deep inside of it.” 

Usopp whimpers at your filthy words. You snake your left hand in between your bodies to palm him over his overalls. 

“Shit- okay fine. You got me. I have no idea what I’m doing. I want to make you feel good but I.. I don’t know how…” 

“Then let me show you…” You push his body back towards the bed making him flop onto it. You slunk in between his knees  and removed his clothes. You slipped out of your shirt over your head and your skirts down your legs, not needing to remove your panties since you had already gifted them to your Bone Daddy earlier. His cock was so painfully hard already, it bobbed angrily in front of your face as you pulled down his coveralls. 

“Are you gonna… what are you gonna do?” Usopp asks you anxiously. “well… nothing you don’t want, okay sweetheart? I was going to take you in my mouth… if that’s alright my sweet boy?” You settle yourself between his thighs and start to stroke his cock slowly. 

“Yes… I-I want to be in your mouth please…” He stares intently down at you, hypnotized by your beauty and eagerness. 

“Hmm…” You hum as you slowly lave your tongue over the hot mushroom tip of his cock. 

“Holy shit y/n-!” 

You felt your cunt grow wet at the desperate sounds of pleasure that came from his mouth. You wanted to ruin him so bad. A loud whine escaped Usopp’s mouth as you took his full length down your throat. You brought your right hand up to cup his tight, heavy balls in your palm. 

Usopp’s thighs and abs tense as you continue to work him in your mouth and your hands. Nothing but moans and heavy breaths left his lips. He had never felt anything like this before, cursing himself for being too… well chicken shit, to ask for your services before now. 

“Y/n wait stop I’m going to-“

You used your left hand to grab his hip and press his body further into you as you took his cock in your mouth so far that your nose met him pelvis. Usopp whined as he released his heavy load down your throat. After several more ropes shot into your mouth, you pulled off Usopp’s dick as he flopped down back on the bed. 

“Woah… I kinda get what Sanji’s been talking about now…” Usopp uttered as he stared at the ceiling. You chuckled as you snaked your body up his chest to give him a peck on the nose. 

“What can I say? I’m a professional.” You cupped his face in your hand and winked at him. His expression changed. 

“Wait… What about you?” Usopp looked up at you with concerned eyes. “Oh sweetie don’t you worry about that!.” You stroked his cheek. 

“No… I said I wanted to make you feel good… can you… can you help me? Show me?” He desperately grabbed at your hips, grinding you down onto his cock that was already starting to harden again. 

“Hm… If you insist…” You smiled devilishly and sat up on your knees and moved to hover over Usopp’s face, leaving your sopping cunt mere inches above his drooling lips. His eyes bugged wide out of his head, the sight of your gorgeous bare pussy so close to his face was too much for him to handle. 

“Do you want to taste it, Usopp?” You teased at him, being barely out of his reach, not sitting down fully just yet. 

“Mmm Yes! Yes just sit! Mmm please just sit down I’ll do whatever you  want, just use me, please!” His speech was almost slurred due to him trying to reach his tongue out of his mouth to taste you already. You gave into his pleas and fully lowered your body onto his face. A breathy sigh of pleasure escaped your lips as his tongue prodded your weeping hole. 

“Mmmprhh so-mrrph good!” Usopp whined out against your sex. He bucked his hips up shamelessly, already fully erect again. You leaned forward to grind your clit against the base of his nose while his tongue fucked your hole. You threw your head back in pleasure and moaned loudly. 

“Ohhh, sweetie that’s so good! You’re so perfect for letting me use your pretty face like this. Such a good boy for eating me so well!” You praised him as you continued to ride his face, bringing yourself to orgasm. 

“I’m going to cum on your face now, Usopp. You’re going to lay there and take it, right sweetheart?”

“Mhmm! Mhmm” He nodded his head as you finally pushed over the edge. Your slick juices sprayed his face and neck as you cried out. Usopp moaned underneath you as his tongue darted out of your hole to lap up any remaining release from your folds. 

You collected yourself and slid your body back down his chest, your pussy dragged a wet trail down his torso as you moved. You hovered over his weeping cock, leaking a puddle of precum onto his toned abdomen. 

“Would you like to fuck me now, Usopp?” You looked him square in the eye. He was so drunk on your body and pleasure. 

“Yes! Yes, Please, I’d like to fuck you now! Please let me inside of you!” Once again he was begging beneath you. You could definitely get used to his. “Ok sweetheart, you can fuck me now. You’ve done so good.” You coo at him as you line his cock up with your soaked entrance and slide down. He wasn’t as long as Sanji or Zoro, but it was thick and hit your spot just right as you took him to the base inside yourself. 

“Fuck-!” Usopp cries out as his hands fly to your hips to ground himself, so lost in the pleasure of your tight cunt. 

“Sweetie you fill me up so nice, doing such a good job-“ You moaned out dreamily as you began to grind yourself back and forth on Usopp’s cock. 

“Fuck y/n… I can’t… I just gotta…” 

All of a sudden Usopp plants his feet and slams his hips up into yours making you almost jolt off his dick in the process. He hit you so deep. 

“Usopp!” You cry out in both surprise and pleasure. You shudder forward and lose your balance, hands landing on his firm chest to hold yourself up. Usopp continues to piston his length inside of you at an animalistic pace as you felt that familiar tightness in your belly begin to form again. 

“Shit, Usopp I- I think I’m gonna- AH!” He was bouncing you so forcefully on his cock, the soft, shy Usopp you knew was long gone as soon as he sunk balls deep into your filthy cunt. Your body was being tossed in the air with every thrust, your full breasts bouncing lewdly in his face.  “Gotta feel you cum again… Fucking do it… Cum on me again…” Usopp growled out at you as he took your right nipple in his teeth. You cried out in pain and pleasure as his grip tightened on your hips, holding you so hard you knew you’d be left with black and blue marks where his fingers were now. You screamed out his name as you let your orgasm wash over your body and you released all over his lower half. 

“Y/n, fuck, where should I-?” Usopp gasps out. 

“Inside… Need… inside…” You choke out between gasps, your body still recovering from your orgasm.

Usopp groaned loudly as he pulled your hips down so far into his that you felt his cock kiss your cervix harshly. You whined as he shuddered and came deep inside of your still spasming pussy. 

His body went limp. You leaned forward while he was still seated within you to place a gentle kiss on the tip of his nose. You tried to as gently as possible remove yourself from his overly sensitive cock. He still groaned as you pulled yourself off of him, feeling his cum drip out of you onto his hip bone in the process. You laid down next to him and wrapped him in your arms. You pulled his down comforter over both of your naked bodies. You scratched his scalp as he nuzzled his face into your shoulder, and he wrapped his arms around your lower back. 

“SooOOOooo… What’dya think?” You giggled as you asked him how his first time was, already knowing the answer. 

“Y/n it was-“

“GLAD YOU FINALLY GET IT, LOSER!” You both heard Zoro’s drunk, booming voice from outside Usopp’s bedroom door. 

“FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!” Usopp shouted, briefly rising from his resting place in the crook of your neck. 

You both laughed. You pecked him on the lips. “Goodnight, Usopp.”

“Goodnight, y/n.” 

You both quickly fell asleep in each others arms. 

[some-lonely-loser]

STAY HIGH .01

📍Location-Perez Household

📷POV- Narrator (3rd)

Brooke sat on Maddy's bed with a small, foldable mirror in one hand while her other hand lined her lips with a walnut brown shade while listening to Maddy and Kat's conversation. "Do you think my areolas look weird?" Maddy asked, while looking at her boobs in the mirror.

"No." Kat responded while Brooke just hummed in agreement, moving onto her eyeshadow, gathering her brushes together.

"But like.. The edges though." Maddy spun a little round, glancing at her friends who weren't even paying attention to what she was saying.

"Maddy, they're fine." Kat said while Brooke responded, "Yeah girl, calm down."

Maddy scoffed and said "Fine like they're weird, or fine like nobody but me would notice what I notice?"

"Fine like shut the fuck up Maddy!" BB yelled from Maddy's bathroom which caused Brooke to stop applying her makeup and start laughing

"I'm disgusting. I literally look disgusting." Maddy said while  pulling her tank top back up while Brooke scoffed and Kat responded "Maddy, you need to snap the fuck out of this. You're hot as fuck and Nate's a loser. Who cares?" Kat said, looking up at her while Brooke hummed in agreement, finishing her makeup and putting the mirror back on Maddy's table.

"He's not a loser, he's a dick." Maddy defended him. "All dicks are losers... duh." Kat mumbled. Brooke stood up and grabbed her phone, walking into the bathroom that BB was previously getting ready in, no longer interested in the seemingly never ending conversation. She pulled up her periwinkle colored jeans and smoothed out the wrinkles on her satin, indigo shirt.

Brooke came back into the bedroom and sat down on the bed and grabbed her phone to get more details about the party that was being thrown later.

"Brooke! You ready?" Maddy yelled from downstairs, glancing at Kat and BB who were also confused on what Brooke was doing. "Yep! I'm coming, gimme a sec I'm putting my shoes on." Maddy shrugged and turned around, walking to the door while BB shouted "We're gonna wait for you in the car." while following Kat and Maddy outside, shutting the door.

                                    ***

Maddy slowed the car down, beginning to pull into the parking lot of the store that Fezco owned with his brother. A certain curly haired girl walked past  the car and as soon as Maddy parked, she squinted her eyes and leaned closer to where the familiar figure was coming from.

"Is that..?" Maddy mumbled

"Oh shit. Slow down." Kat told her, even though she was already parked.

"Dude that's Rue! Oh my god.." Kat yelled.

Brooke sat up and smiled. "Oh shit! It is her!"

"Wait. didn't Rue like.. Die?" Maddy asked, confused.

BB leaned back in her seat and said "Oh my god.. I hate ghosts." Making Brooke laugh and say "She was in rehab I think."

Kat stuck her head out the window and yelled, "Yo Casper! You want a ride?"

Rue turned around and started walking slowly to the car. "Why thank you."

Brooke moved over to the middle seat, making room for Rue while she opened the door and got in the car. "Hey Rueee" Brooke said, making Rue turn to her and grin lazily. "Oh hey."

Maddy pulled out the parking spot and continued driving while rap music played and the smoke from BB's vape and the blunts that were being passed around, filled the car.

Brooke looked down at her phone, getting a message from her best friend, Sienna.

                                          Sienna<3

Sienna<3

Hey bitchh, where u at?

Brooke

I'm omw rn. I'm in the car wit Maddy and evb else. This car loud asf

Sienna<3

Ok girl be safe

Love u. see u soon

Brooke

I will! Love u too.

Brooke shut her phone off and laid her head against the headrest behind her, growing a headache every time BB blew smoke in her direction. Brooke just kept calm and continued listening to the rap music playing throughout the car, thankful that the current situation would only be for a couple more minutes. When the girls arrived at the party, they all said their goodbyes and ran off inside.

Brooke planned to stay with Maddy, but of course that wasn't happening since she already walked off, probably to find Nate. Her eyes darted across the room, hoping to find Sienna, or anybody else that was familiar to her.

After walking around for a few minutes, Brooke grew irritated with how many people shoved into her, unapologetically. Looking through the crowd of people one last time, before eventually deciding that she would find Sienna later, Brooke walked to the kitchen.

She grabbed a red solo cup, glancing at all the bottles of alcohol and shot glasses that were scattered throughout the kitchen. Making sure her cup was clean, she walked over to the fruit punch bowl and made herself a drink, making a mental note to add some tequila to it as well.

"Hey Brooke! I've been looking for you!" Brooke's head snapped to where the voice came from, thinking it was Sienna but it was just one of her friends from school, Isobel. "Hey Isobel! You liking the party so far?" She said drinking from her cup.

"It's ight." Isobel shrugged. "You?" Brooke grinned before shrugging as well. "Yeah it's ight. You know where Sienna is?" She shouted over the loud music.

"Uhm.. The last I saw her, she was at the bathroom so try there." Isobel spoke before grabbing a bottle of alcohol and walking away, saying her goodbyes.

Brooke drank the rest of her drink, scrunching her face, looking down into the cup, only to see that it was clear. She put the cup down, rolling her eyes as she realized she just drank from the wrong cup. She shrugged it off, walking back into the living room, to find Sienna. Her eyes scanned over all the dancing figures before she found what she guessed

were the bathrooms, where a lot of people gathered.

Brooke looked at all the figures, not finding one with noticeably crimson colored hair, which caused her to turn around, figuring whatever was going on behind that crowded door, was most likely bullshit.

She walked around more, still trying to find Sienna before eventually giving up and sitting herself down onto an empty seat on the couch. Her eyes scanned the room, watching all the people who were doing their own thing before she turned her head to get a look at who she was sitting beside. Her eyebrows raised and when she saw Sienna

"Where the hell were you?" Brooke shouted over the loud music, causing Sienna to look at her and smile. "I was looking for you everywhere!" Sienna yelled before pulling her into a hug.

Brooke's smile faded away as she felt a tug on her bladder. "Hey, stay here, don't go anywhere. I gotta use the bathroom." Sienna pulled away from the hug and said "Alright, but be quick" she chuckled and walked off to the bathroom.

                                                                                                                       

***

Brooke walked out the bathroom, shaken up from all the drama she had heard. She shrugged it off, walking back to the couch that she was previously at. She looked around for Sienna before eventually sitting down, figuring she just went to get a drink.

She grabbed her phone out of her bag and started scrolling on instagram, no longer having interest in this party.

                                 —————

Liked by MaddyPerez, and 4,728 others.. Ashtrayoneil: Jus got done countin View all 1,384 comments

She started scrolling through the comments before she felt the seat beside her sink down. She looked over and saw Sienna. "I told you not to leave!" Sienna laughed "I'm sorry, I was thirsty I had to get a drink. You wanna dance?" She yelled over the loud music. Brooke nodded as Sienna pulled her up and led her toward the middle of the living room, crowded with dancing figures.

Sienna and Brooke started dancing together but Brooke felt eyes watching her. Brooke continued dancing but shrugged the feeling off

Unbeknownst to Brooke, Ashtray was staring ahead of them. He watched as they grabbed onto each other, dancing and singing along with the music. He didn't know either of the girls well, but he did know that Sienna bought weed from him alot and Brooke just seemed.. Confusing.

He met her a couple times before. Sometimes she was dressed in sweatpants and a tee and didn't talk at all while looking at her phone and other times, she was dressed all fancy with her hair done up in some kind of way while being chatty.

He knew she came from a rich family and just figured she would be one of those rich, annoying, stuck up girls with an everlasting bitchy attitude. Maybe he was judging her based on what he heard about her but she just seemed like she was uninteresting and annoying.

Despite how Ashtray was staring her down, Brooke didn't notice it. But Sienna did. And just as she was about to tell Brooke, and suggest going over there, she heard a loud voice.

"Do you guys know who the fuck this is?" Brooke and Sienna stopped dancing and the music stopped. Everyone was staring at Nate Jacobs pointing at a girl Brooke had never seen before.

"Does anybody know who the fuck this is? Does anybody know who the fuck Jules is?" Nate yelled again, while everyone stood awkwardly, but silent. He walked away from the girl and towards the crowd of people around him and started pointing at someone "Anyone at all. You. Do you know who the fuck Jules is?" He turned around and started walking back towards her. Continuing their previous conversation, Brooke couldn't hear because she was too far away.

Nate started getting in the girl's face which obviously upset her before he yelled again "Yo is anybody here, friends with Jules? Anyone? Does anyone know who the fuck this bitch is?"

He got quiet again, waiting for someone to speak before yelling louder. "Somebody better speak up or this bitch is gonna get fucked up!" The girl, seemingly tired of Nate being an asshole to her, grabbed a knife

"Oh shit.." Brooke mumbled while Sienna hummed in agreement to her reaction. Nate walked backwards away from the girl, as if he was retreating from a bear. "You wanna fucking hurt me!?" She yelled, walking towards him. "No! I was fucking kidding!" He yelled, trying to calm her down, which obviously in this case, wouldn't work. "Back the fuck up! What the fuck is your problem?!" She yelled, getting him against a cabinet with a scared look as he eyed the knife in her hand. "Put the fucking knife down okay- It was a joke-" He scrambled, trying to find the right words.

"You wanna fucking hurt me!?" "No no no-" Nate mumbled, still eyeing the knife. "You have no fucking idea." She said, slicing her wrist after. Brooke gasped like everyone else and looked at Sienna, who was just shaking her head, at a loss for words.

"I'm fucking invincible!" Jules said, with her hand raised up, walking over to Nate and putting her blood on his shoulder. She backed up from Nate, putting her arm down and shouted, "By the way, I'm Jules. I just moved here!" She said, smiling and walking out the kitchen,

The music started back up and everyone continued dancing. Brooke nodded slowly, finding the new girl cool but somewhat weird. She then  turned to Sienna, who was already looking at her. "Okay then.." Sienna mumbled over the music. "The fuck just happened" Sienna shrugged in confusion

WC: 1946

I haven't posted on here in so long but I hope u enjoyed LMAO

[joannasteez]

WIP WEDNESDAY!

thanks for the tag! @harmshake a little lumberjack!roman i’ve been slowly chippin away at, i have no clue when this will be ready to post but i dont know, maybe its worth a share of what i have so far

his beer is cold. wet glass slipping against his skin. a crisp hoppy taste on his tongue that settles till his belly excites with warm. the ache in his hands seeking a temporary remedy, holding to the chill of the bottle. thick fingers working with a diligent memory of axes and chainsaws. an all day affair thats old and tedious. the smell of walnut and oak and maple, chips of fly away wood and the hard sun. a good cold beer after a hard day was a must. mandatory. so friday's meant a beer plus two extra. but never four because jey always overdid shit and he had to be the dad of the group. had to take care of baby boy jey. and sometimes seth. and sometimes dean. because dean loved to play and fuck around, car keys jingling between the saucy slip of his fingers, feigning the mind of a sober man and the reckless lust of a drunk one. cackling and teary eyed, because panic about roman's face was just so fucking funny.

lucy's is a town bar. built dead center and extremely assessable. and lucy's has everything. karaoke for jimmy & jey, darts for seth and solo, pool for dean, and nice comfy worn leather booths for roman. his favorite booth on the far left side of lucy's, tucked up against the wall. equidistant from the bathroom set behind the karaoke stage and the bar. where his quiet half sleepy eyes could roam and observe. a little people watching as he sips the gold-ish brew. nibbling at almost soggy nachos and pulling loose the tight knot holding his hair. oak wood from day labor soaking through the inky thickness of it. listening to dean and seth complain about management. because if they weren't at work, they were off the clock rambling and ranting about work. a cyclic state of affairs that started and ended the same way.

first seth. that half snarly little grimace. hair rolled up in a top bun. voice raspy and raw.

"...because how the fuck are you never actually in office and thee greatest-most idiotic micro manager ever, he needs to pick a damn struggle...

and then dean. his finger running to scratch against his auburn beard. just as pissed. words slightly slurred.

"...and then had the absolute gaul to tell me how to do my job. that piece of shit prick never held an axe or a chainsaw in his damn life. goddamn third generation wood chippin dick..."

and roman laughs. his eyes wrinkling. sipping and chewing and falling into the recurrence of every friday night.

"...and his little assistant, who he's totally nailing by the way, i hear her screeching like a damn banshee whenever he's actually in office, had the nerve... the unmitigated nerve to send around a birthday card asking for small donations and to write him a message..."

and dean cackles. gasps from disbelief and leans into roman's shoulder. his forehead banging lightly into the wood of the table. empty beer bottles rattling from his show of contempt.

"...boys i swear, i promise the two of you, they both can get an expedited shipment of my fat cock to suck dry if they think i'm putting two of my very hard earned dollars into a target card for his birthday. his pops should've kept him swimmin in his balls..."

roman smiles. his eyes roaming about lucy's. towards the peace of the bar. his favorite little bartender hard at work. smiling and mixing away.

and here comes the turning over into the second bit of his friday night cyclic affair. a from afar trailing of the eyes, sneaky bouts of admiration sweetened by the beer fizzling his blood. and God do you look sweet. a friendly toothy little smile that piques his curiosity. plush lips, round eyes and fanning lashes that leave you looking delicate. he's unsure though, it could be the beer, the droning of the bar and the exhaustion in his shoulders. tight and soldering to his bones. it all could be feeding his mild delusions. making you look more angelic than you could be, a projection of dreams born from some long avoided longing. and when you finally commit yourself to seeking out the source of such an ardent sensation only the eyes of another can give, you meet him. a glass in your hand and curiosity about your face. so clearly in bartender mode. gauging patron based needs, before the inevitable look away. your lips bitten and a smile threatening to break.

but it never becomes anything more than this tit for tat of a moment. lingering eyes and unspoken things.  something threatening to edge the course of friendly and cautious. your smile seeming to only do him a favor. a courtesy. because he probably wasn't the first man to have such a silent high school adjacent crush on his local bartender and he for sure wouldn't be the last. and no one will ever hear him say it but roman isn't too keen on rejection. he rather live with your cautious little smiles. a short tuck away into his back pocket as he sips at his beer. he'll add it to store away for later, when he's alone with silence and the beginnings of bedtime fantasies.

no pressure tags: @kill-the-artiste @thesamoanqueen and anyone else who’d like to participate!

[beemers-hell]

you did doc hcs....and tricky hcs...how about Jeb (not biased)

this is perfect actually bc like a week or so ago I was asked by Another particular Jeb enjoyer to spill my hcs about him (hi walnut lmao)

anyway:

Jeb HCs!

Around 65~70ish

Trans Man, doesn't care enough about relationship stuff to pick a specific orientation label

Around ~7'04"

South West Asian

Autistic As Fuck, generally very anti social and self isolating but people can get into his good graces and he'll try to show a bit more for them

Due to the fact his body has literally fuckin blown up + he's been in possession of the keystone fragment for so long (and I imagine wielding the KF is gonna fuck you up in the long run) he deals with a whole host of body aches and pains and afflictions, and also arthritis bc that dudes pushing 70 ofc lol

His savior complex thing is a direct result of him having the "I have to fight tooth n nail for what I think is right" brand of autism, compounded with just the insanity of everything in Nevada of course. His initial plan to end Project Nexus was gonna be it for him for his "I need to do whats right" mission, but the keystone fragment kinda drove him fucking nuts, so the "i must purge Nevada of all sinners Period" thing happened as a result

Yeah him n hofnarr had a thing going on, he was a bit too closed off to be fully open n honest about it at the time and now that hofnarr is tricky and he's the way that he is, he regrets how shut in he was. he's too stubborn to give up on tricky entirely which is why I have them still working together to do shit in general, esp in dad au stuff cause boxxy right, but he's not tryna like, figure out how to revert tricky back to hofnarr, he's just tryna maintain a connection with him in general despite the insanely different routes they went down

Jeb is incredibly selfish and Will do whatever the hell he wants if he thinks it serves his mission to do good by Nevada, however he isn't an evil morally bankrupt mf, like doc he's just an asshole, and he's tunnel visioning his way through his crusade. You won't catch him harming people for no reason, and this esp applies to like, kids n shit, but he's not above putting a mf through hell if it means his goals are accomplished

could argue everyone loves guns n shit but Jeb LOVES loves his guns, lil weirdo autistic special interest in firearms (and religion in general but this is about weapons lol)

masks like 24/7 this dude is not comfortable at ALL being ND. He's reserved for the most part but when he speaks oh boy is he bringing out that fuckin thesaurus!

he tries his best to look kept together bc "Savior of Nevada" and all that but dude struggles fuckin bad with executive dysfunction, like his hair is greasy as hell </3

[im-notbean]

Headcannons of; Quackity x Greek! Male! Reader

On god bro. I just really want somebody who speaks Greek on the QSMP. So in orderto cure this fantasy of mine I have now created this, sorry if you dont like the fact that Y/N is greek but I had to do it. Sooner or later okay-

⚠︎ Warning ⚠︎

Swearing

Some cultural things you might not understand

Might not be accurate to the cannon QSMP

This post has both Q!Quackity and CC!Quackity

Grammar mistakes

Characters might be a bit off to you

Mentions of Homophobia

Author kinda pools info about greek food-

If anything bothers you from above please, don't read!

CC!Quackity

・Your accent>>>>>>

・I'm sorry but he just loves it, especially when you pronounce certain words.

・Like saying yogurt and bread shit like that you know?

・If you say Alex in greek he gets scared- (Άλεξ [Álex] might not be accurate lol)

・Praise. Him. In. Greek.

・He get's so mad if you don't, goes full on Mexican on your ass-

・Quackity definitely respects your boundaries, so he'd ok with you not wanting to be public about your guy's relationship

・Especially with Twitter and shit (I refuse to call Twitter "X")

・Makes the funniest jokes and yall know those corny ass pick up lines

・Like "I wish you were my Xbox, cause I wanna play you all~~ night ♡"

・He definitely does those daily

・He can't cook for shit, so you have banned him from the kitchen

・It's always akward explaning that to your parents...

・Quackity loves it when you cook for him

・Especially Greek deserts (I'm just gonna fanboy over greek food for a hot minutes)

・Like tiramisu or like those almond cookies

・OR FUCKING BAKLAVA

・OR EVEN LOUKOUMADES

・Incase you don't know what I'm fanboying over, Tiramisu is an Italian dish so I'm not gonna go over it in much detail

・Basically a layered desert with espresso innit

・Baklava is one of the MOST iconic Greek deserts, it's layered with phyllo pastery, melted butter, and nuts!

・The most common are pistachios and walnuts by the way and theirs a layer of cinnamon-orange syrup pored over it once it is baked!

・Loukoumades are the Greek version of fried dough, their normally topped with honey, cinnamon, and walnuts.

・Anyway...

・He loves then sm

・If yall decide to make your relationship public, he wants you to decide how to do it.

・I personally believe you take over his stream one day as his "Special Guest"

・A cooking stream because y'know- it's iconic

・Your baking a classic greek disk.

・Gyro (Pronouced Yee-ro by the way)

・Basically Gyro is a dish that is a mix of lamb and beef (sometimes chicken too) that is made to fill pita bread.

・The sauce that is paired with is called tzatziki (it's really fucking good.) it normally has tomatos and onions and paied with greek fries.

・So your cooking the meat and stuff and Quackity just comes up behind you and you turn around right cause you know he's their

・So quickly, you bend down and kiss him.

・A little smooch before you kick him out th kitchen-

Q!Quackity

・You guys met on the train to the island.

・He tried talking to you but he seriously could not understand you, it wasas if you were speaking another language.

・When the government had paired people up, you didn't get a partner :(

・You also didn't really want an egg either, but you didn't mind babysitting them!

・Phil is so greatful for this-

・Quackity had heard about your egg sitting and decided to leave Tillin (I think i butchered this ngl) in your care

・Tillin loved you, she also liked the fact that she could understand you and offered as a translator.

・When Quackity came back he was surprised to see his own child translating what you were saying

・Once the new members joined you were assined partners with Tubbo (I am not sure if the new members have assigned parners ngl so...also are we getting new members today?)

・(Not even joking- ANYWAY LMAO)

・So y'know how Tubbo can get info out of Curchuro (prob butchered that again lol)

・You can do it also, sence your the only person on the server who can speak greek and not English he thinks the info he tells you is safe.

・You get Tillin to translate to Tubbo about what Curchuro tells you >:D

・Quackity learns about this and then he realized what the fuck is happening

・The he realized one day, you were gone.

・Along with the eggs.

・He never realized how much he liked you until you left...

・Quackity tried looking for you and the eggs

・But he never got far

・Tubbo also tried to help look for you, to no avail

・Not gonna lie, you and Phil got locked in a cage togther 😂

[zaceouiswriting]

The little brother

Character: Reggie Mantle and Male Reader older brother

Universe: Riverdale

Warnings: Just a little violence

Why did you have to agree to this? Why did you let your parents drag you into something like this? Why couldn't you just stay in Cambridge where your parents couldn't reach you? But no, you had to crawl back as soon as they called. Your father knew full well that you still sought his approval after all these years, and he pulled on your heartstrings until you agreed to return to their home and look after your brother for a few weeks. Because he apparently wasn't doing well at school.

But nothing was as it seemed. When you entered the house you called your childhood home, there was not the little boy who always wanted to be near you, but a moody teenager, almost of age, lying half naked on the couch, showing off his perfectly sculpted upper body.

The moment Reggie saw you, his face contorted with anger.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" he asked with a harsh tone, very different from the loving voice he had used towards you as a child.

Already done with this shit, you drop your bags to the floor still at the front door. Eye rolling, you closed the door behind you and went to your lazily sitting brother.

“Our parents thought it would be good for me to come here and look after you while they are away. They hope I can jog your walnut-sized brain.”

Your brother mocked you dismissively. After which, he stood up from the couch and walked towards you. The two of you were at the same level, staring into each other's eyes. He became noticeably taller, and you couldn't miss how wide he was getting. Football seemed to be good for him. You never liked team sports, mostly because you were a cowardly child who hated exercise.

Reggie suddenly tried to push you, but you stood your ground, your eyes glowing fiery. You, too, have become stronger thanks to the gym.

“Oh, I see. You’re trying to mark your territory like a dog? Or do you want to test who the man in the house is?” you asked him, grinning widely as his face turned into hatred.

You could see the movement of his arms before he even tried to hit you. You duck away with ease, only to give him an uppercut. He flew onto the couch. But somehow, he quickly got back on his feet. In the meantime, you got yourself into position, already prepared for your stubborn brother to jump back to his feet.

“Trust me, baby brother, this won’t be a good idea.”

You tried to get him to stop his stupid behavior you really tried, but he didn't listen. He thoughtlessly tried to attack you again, but you knocked him down even faster than before. You weren't the best boxer, but you learned quickly.

With just two hits, you knocked out Reggie. Looking down at your brother, you could only sigh. Was he always so hateful? Or is he still angry that you up and left when you were sixteen?

Your brother was obviously an early bloomer. He was already goddamn handsome. It took you years to get anywhere close to it. If you were honest, you were pretty jealous of it. You were almost twenty-three, and your little shitter of a brother was barely seventeen, and yet he looked just as good as you. Maybe a few more hits could help?

Before you could demolish his face out of jealous reflex with your fists, you shook yourself out of these thoughts. Instead, you placed one arm under his upper back and one under his legs. With some effort, you lifted your brother into your arms.

“Shit, you’re heavy,” you said through gritted teeth.

Carrying your brother upstairs to his bedroom, you carefully lay him down on his soft bed, breathing a sigh of relief as his weight was lifted from your arms. Even after years of training in the gym, you couldn't have carried him any longer than this.

You gently put the blanket over him and check his pulse to be on the safe side. Feeling like everything was fine, you looked around.

With a growing headache, you knew you couldn't leave his room in this chaos. He was such a clean freak as a kid, but now he's grown into what you were as a teenager: a hurricane.

You took out hidden fast food rappers, something your parents wouldn't allow their star athlete son to eat. Some dishes that could almost walk, and of course clothes. His room smelled like a high school locker room. You didn't mind the smell since gyms don't smell much different, but it unsettled you inside. For just a second, a fleeting moment, you imagined your brother in an inappropriate way that shocked you to your core. You never thought you would think of your brother like this. To be fair, the asshole has grown into one hell of an attractive guy.

After you cleaned his room in record time, you stared at his sleeping silhouette for just a moment. He still looked as sweet as ever. You walked close to him. As you stood in front of him, you gently brushed some strands of hair out of his face and placed a tender kiss on his forehead. A bedtime ritual you had when you were both younger.

“Sleep well, little shit,” you murmured against his head with a big smile, hoping he wouldn't remember anything the next day.

As you moved away from him towards the door, a sudden grab on your arm turned you around, only to be pulled into someone, your brother. In his sleep, he somehow managed to grab you and pull you into him. As you lay on his bed, he immediately laid his head on your chest, wrapped both arms around you and one leg as if you were a big pillow, and just slept.

Initially, you were stunned by the situation but soon found it amusing, to the point where you almost busted out laughing. However, you managed to stop yourself just in time. Instead, you placed your right hand on your brother's head and gently stroked it. You knew Reggie was a deep sleeper, and it was unlikely that he would wake up anytime soon. So, you prepared yourself for a long day ahead of you.

[Masterlist]

[anonymouscomrade]

so with the new version of Dwarf Fortress out on Steam, lots of people are getting into it for the first time. i still don't have this new version (yet) but here's some advice going off my playing the older versions on and off for like the last thirteen years. i'm not going to get into the extreme basics as there are plenty of full guides about that, this is just some personal advice from me:

especially for your first embark, pick a mundane-ass location with plenty of vegetation and trees and normal weather. don't fuck around with deserts or evil or glaciers or savage lands if you don't know what you're doing, you'll get killed by lack of water/the undead/the cold and absolutely nothing growing/giant wild animals, respectively. good-aligned regions are usually okay, if you want at least a little bit of the fantastic in your general vicinity. use the site finder to find a place with trees, vegetation, a river/stream/some other source of running water but NO AQUIFER, and multiple deep and shallow metals. personally my favorite embarks are the borders of forests and mountains, that way you have plenty of shit to mine AND plants to eat/brew, trees to chop down and make stuff with, etc. aquifers CAN be beneficial IF you know what you're doing (essentially they're a source of infinite fresh water if you can harness them, unless you're too close to the ocean and you get a saltwater aquifer, which sucks) but they can just as easily flood your entire fortress if you fuck up in even the slightest. i've been playing this game for over a decade and even i don't know what the fuck to do with aquifers so don't ask me

i personally prefer embarks with shallow soil. soil's super-easy to farm in (you CAN farm on stone but you have to have a way to irrigate it, and that can be a pain in the ass) but IMO most of your dwarves' living and working spaces should be carved out of stone, because soil can't be smoothed and therefore can't be engraved, and dwarves like moving around in smoothed areas and seeing high-quality engravings

your first priority when starting a fort is digging out a shelter for your dwarves. then make spaces for your first few workshops (stoneworking, carpenter, mechanic, and such) so you can get doors installed on your front entrance, and then immediately get your farms up and running. all dwarven crops can be grown indoors and plump helmets are a great choice of staple crop for literally any settlement since they can be eaten, cooked, OR brewed into dwarven wine. outdoor plants have to be grown on outdoor farm plots but they're still great for adding a little variety to your booze stocks and dwarves love that. take note of what kind of trees grow around your fortress, lots of them grow stuff that can be cooked (like walnuts or almonds) or pressed for oil (like olives) or brewed (almost any fruit tree) and you might not want to cut down those apple and pear trees right next to your fort's entrance when you can use them to make cider

NEVER BUILD ANYTHING OUT OF RAW STONE, WOOD, OR METAL. one raw stone can be used to build a single tile of wall or floor, a workshop, counts as one material for a bridge, etc AND is heavy as fuck, slowing down any dwarf carrying it to where it needs to go. FUCK THAT, have your masons cut that shit into BLOCKS. a raw stone will get you anywhere from 1-4 blocks, EACH of which can be used to make anything i mentioned earlier, AND won't weigh down your haulers or builders when they're carrying it. wood and metal can be cut into blocks too, if you need to make walls or floors or what have you out of those. HOWEVER, remember that blocks CAN'T be used in ANY crafting (that includes wooden blocks for burning in forges, making charcoal, etc), so once it's been cut into blocks, it's blocks FOREVER. you're gonna have a shitton of stone around almost any fort so making rock blocks is a good way to train new masons, but i'd only make wood or metal blocks if i needed those specifically

make some mugs early on, your dwarves like drinking out of them more than sticking their heads under the spigot. don't worry about individual bedrooms early on, you can absolutely get away with just sticking a bunch of beds in a big room at the beginning of your fort and digging out rooms later when you're more stable. don't build most workshops out in the open, dig out a room for each one and put in doors you can lock for each one. you'll thank me the first time one of your dwarves goes berserk after failing a strange mood and you can just lock them in there instead of letting them rampage around and beating your other dwarves to death

rock crafts will probably be your main trade good early on. most forts will have stone just laying around, absolutely fucking everywhere, so you might as well put it to use by carving little trinkets out of it and trading it for whatever the caravans bring

break into the caverns ASAP and then IMMEDIATELY seal that shit up. the easiest way to do this is digging an up/down stairway until the game lets you know you've found a cavern, then put a hatch cover on the stairs going immediately down into the cavern and lock it. you're not going to be able to handle hostile cavern creatures early on, but breaking into the caverns releases CAVE MOSS SPORES so ANY underground soil tile can start naturally growing moss or fungus. this is functionally identical to grass, so this means you'll be able to pasture your animals INSIDE, keeping them safe from any wild predators that might come along like wolverines or bears as well as keeping goblin raiding parties from using them for target practice

get a militia going sooner rather than later. a good array of traps and a locked door might keep the first couple bands of goblin invaders away, but larger armies of them are more likely to get through traps and keep you from sending your dwarves outdoors until they get bored and leave. were-beasts are not deterred by either, being capable of avoiding traps AND smashing down doors, and the bad guys only get tougher from there. check your migrants' skills, they always arrive as civilians so the guy with a title of "peasant" who isn't good at ANY labor might actually be pretty skilled with a mace. dwarves with only more esoteric skills like cheesemakers or gem setters are also good candidates for bolstering your military, once they get some training under their belt

IN GENERAL, for military purposes: wood/bone/leather <<<<<<<<<<<<<< silver <<<<<<<<<< copper < bronze < iron < steel < [REDACTED]. some exceptions: silver absolutely sucks for everything EXCEPT blunt weapons, where it suddenly becomes the best material in the game; pure copper is better than bronze for blunt weapons but bronze is better for edged weapons and far better for armor; bronze is only a hair below iron in terms of general military use. your greenest recruits who aren't fit for battle yet might actually benefit from wearing leather armor while they're training so it weighs them down less (at least until they get a few ranks of Armor User), but absolutely all of your actual fighters should be wearing metal helmets. [REDACTED] is the opposite of silver, it's the best metal in the game EXCEPT for blunt weapons which it absolutely sucks ass at. making steel is labor-intensive and time-consuming and requires specific materials and also kind of overkill since only dwarves can make it, but it's by far the best general-purpose military-grade metal you're going to possibly get reasonable quantities of

save metallic crossbow bolts for fights. wooden and bone bolts can't get through most armor but since wild animals aren't known for wearing armor, if you have hunters they will take prey down just fine without metal bolts. likewise, your marksmen should be training with wooden and bone bolts so they're not wasting metal ones on target dummies. yeah this means you'll need to constantly crank out wooden and bone bolts, pretty much

might add to these later if i think of anything else

[kneelingshadowsalome]

I can't take it anymore on how much I adore your series of FATUM NOS IUNGEBIT with reader and König ♡♡♡ writer I don't know how i can express my love for your writing that I won't hesitate to bow upon youu

How you write König in that series makes me SJFJDJFHWJFJWBHX as in IDFHEBFJAJBDJD like he is a walking huge dog. Him bringing gifts to reader with fine silk, jewerlies, and honeys from the village he destroyed l. I could imagine him wagging his non existence tail thinking his prize would love him for bringing those gifts for her and kicked lile a puppy when reader denies him (つд⊂) my heart can't take it.

Yet at the same time reader is adjusting to her new life of being the brute's possesion. I can't imagine how scared and confuse was she when König bu.rnt down her village, took her in, and spoiling her like a Goddess. Imagining Konig sees reader like a stray kitten when he took her in from her home. Loves her no matter what even though she hisses at him.

König be like: *gives love and gifts and wants to fuck her*

Reader: *confuse noises*

And OH GOD her eyes must have been wide and shocked when she sees his dick for the first time. I can also imagining her measuring it to her lower abdomen when konig is away to see if it fits EHDBGBJWJCOS

Oh my god first of all I’m so happy to hear that you like this silly story so much! 🩷

And yes König is exhausting his little walnut brain thinking about what must he do to make her happy and to get a slice of that sweet pie ❤️ Meanwhile, Fee is just completely traumatized and scared (and therefore mean), but after seeing that this dude is not going to pound her brains out if she’s not into it too, DAMN, it makes her so so curious!

And who’s around to blame or scold her for wanting to torture this beast who stole her? He’s the reason she lost everything she had. Why not have some fun by trying to discover how far she can push this guy’s limits before he breaks? (Lol she’s not playing with fire, she’s playing with a natural disaster + doesn't even realize that she’s falling in love with this big dork too)

And YES she has totally tried to measure some shit. For sure stared off into space after that. König comes back into the tent and wonders if there’s some dangerous animal in there with her for a moment because the look on his fairy’s face is so dumbstruck and slightly horrified. Like... does she need protection? He will kill who or whatever has made her look so scared and helpless! :(

[im-queen-of-the-black-forest]

Submitted for your approval; Even more of The Nameless Ghouls as unhinged quotes from my friends (or me).

Dew: Do you know what a cuck is? no? Then you won’t get the joke.

Cirrus: *trying to stay calm as the rest of the ghouls go FERAL* Not my circus not my monkeys, Not my circus not my monkeys, Not my circus not my- fuck this literally IS my circus and these ARE MY MONKEYS

Aether: NO! BAD! LEAVE THE SQUIRRELS ALONE!!

Sunny: *hugging Copia’s head to her chest* DONT YOU TALK TO ME OR MY SON EVER AGAIN

Copia: I am DEFINITELY older than you

Swiss:*playing a game that Dew recommended* Uhh Dew? Why am I on a rocket train?!

Aurora: *very muffled from down the hallway* THERE IS ONLY ONE U IN BLUETOOTH YOU FUCKING WALNUT

Phantom: How many points is “thug” worth?

Aurora: What do you even know about thugs?

Phantom: Absolutely nothing, question still stands

Cumulus: *playing Mario Cart against Swiss* *to the tune of the Chicken Dance* Badadadadadada Badadadadadada Badadadadadada *throws blue shell* GET FUCKIN REKT

Rain: *after trauma dumping on Sunny* You haven’t said anything, do you think I’m a bad person?

Sunny: no! I’m just an emotionally stunted potato.

Mountain: *trying on a pair of women’s jeans, to Cirrus* why are there STITCHES if there aren’t POCKETS?! What kind of monster puts fake pockets on things?! Where am I supposed to put all the weird things I find in the woods?!

And more Papas!

Copia: This week has been shit. My mental state is in the toilet and I’m not sure if I want to preemptively call off tomorrow and just fuck this week. I need to extract my brain and scrub it

Secondo: Sir this is a Wendy’s

Secondo: I just drove to four different fucking Wawa’s to get a fucking burrito after a shitty day and one place is out of tortillas, one is out of barbacoa and the other two are out of rice

I’m going to SCREAM.

Primo: LEE PACE IS 6’5 AND BUILT HE IS NOT A TWINK!

Terzo: 15 years since I met Mary in computer class and they brought me to sit with their usual lunch crowd *scoots to sit next to Copia* and there was someone hunched at the end of the lunch table, reading a book and studiously ignoring me. *places a hand on Copia’s head* and then I slowly turned you into an insane person!

Nihil: *whispering to Seestor* I don’t think he’s a registered nurse, he keeps slapping me and screaming.

Sister: *looks at the nurse who is definitely Dew in platform shoes and a terrible fake mustache* he looks trustworthy

[act-nat-ural]

Occupied

Chapter One: No Rest For The Wicked

(If you want to be added to the tag list lmk!)

prologue \\\ chapter 2

The REDACTED Clause; If a government employee has housing available and is willing and open, military personnel could temporarily seek refuge there if needed.

——

Well, it appears Eliza wasn’t lying. The cabin was empty. You decide to spend your first day of vacation unpacking and exploring the cabin. Unpacking only took you an hour or so, with you only needing to find a space to store your clothes and pick which bedroom you were going to stay in. You ended up deciding to stay in the master bedroom on the second floor, with a bathroom attached.

The bedroom was, for lack of better words, bare-bones. There was a bed (king-sized, yippee!), a nightstand, a dresser, and a television mounted onto the wall. You couldn’t decipher if this was Adam’s room or not, you wouldn’t be shocked if it was. The bathroom attached didn’t have any products in it, or toilet paper, but it did have a larger-than-average tub.

With nothing important left to do, it was time for exploring. A quick scan of the first floor told you that you weren’t staying in Adam’s bedroom (thank God), and he had preferred a much smaller room downstairs. You could infer this because of the posters mounted into the walls and the large, computer desk on one side of the room. You also located the kitchen, with the dining room attached. The kitchen had a pale blue tiling that matched the cabinets and carpet in the living room. The fridge was nothing fancy but it would make due. The dining room was surprisingly large considering he probably never has company over. The dining table was approximately 8 feet long with 3 chairs on each side, the wood seeming to be Walnut.

There was another bathroom on the first floor, down the hallway from Adam’s bedroom. You could tell this was the one he used because of the 5-in-1 shampoo in the shower. He didn’t have any feminine products in his cabinet (duh), so you mentally added them to your shopping list. He did, however, have a first aid kit under the sink. You shrugged it off, paying it no mind. You were confident you wouldn’t end up needing to use it.

You make your way to the living room and flop backward onto the couch. It was an ugly, plaid pattern, yet shockingly comfortable. You go over your shopping list in your head as you switch the television on. You would need to stock up on pads or tampons, as well as get groceries for dinner. You noticed earlier while going through the rooms that the outlets were a different type than in the States, so you would also need an adapter. As you close your eyes and try to make sense of your mind, the excitement of the day and jet lag catches up to you. Quietly, with the TV on in the background, you drift off to sleep.

——

The last thing you expected was to get awoken by not one, but two pairs of fists slamming on the front door. You jump up, sleep still in your eyes, and stumble to the door. You peer through the peephole and see four men in uniform, one getting held up by another and bleeding everywhere. What. The. Fuck.

“For the love of god, open the bloody door mate!” A gruff, British accent spits out.

Without thinking, you swing open the door. The men urgently push past you into the cabin, except for one.

“Where’s the dining room, love?” He tries to ask gently, but you can tell he has a sense of panic to him. He holds eye contact with you, dark brown eyes looking into yours. His hat dons the British flag, but it’s stained with blood.

Wow. What a hunk.

“It’s uh- there.” You say dumbly, pointing down the hall. All four of them disappear into the dining room, leaving you alone. You freeze for a minute, assessing the situation. Oh shit. That man is probably bleeding all over the table. You rush past the kitchen to confirm your suspicions. Yes, the man with the large wound on his side was in fact on the table, bleeding all over the place. The largest man in the room, and for sure the creepiest considering the strange mask on his face, was holding pressure to the wound end telling the man below him to ‘stop fucking moving.’

“Medkit, Garrick, where’s the goddamn medkit?” The man with the gruff voice throws his hands in the air in exasperation.

“Respectfully, captain, I'm fucking looking!” Brown-eyed hunk spits back, digging through his pack

“I, er, have one.” Both men’s heads whip around to face you. You blink back at them. “Oh right. hold on-“ You rush into the first-floor bathroom, accidentally shoulder-checking the wall on your way there. You swing open the cabinet under think. Aha! The first aid kit. Wow, you didn’t think you would need it, let alone so soon. You hand the first aid kit over to ‘Garrick’ as soon as you reenter the dining room. He gets to work on the man on the table, cutting his shirt away and disinfecting the wound.

You stand awkwardly in the corner of the room. You take this moment to thoroughly inspect their appearances. They all seem to be military men, likely special forces or the like. The man with the mask on has a deep voice and doesn’t seem to be talking much. You think you see blood on his leg but it’s hard to make out with the black on his uniform. His accent seems different from that of the others, but you think he’s still English. The man on the table has a short, buzzed mohawk. You can’t decipher what the hell he’s saying, with the accent and the cursing coming out of his mouth. You are more focused on the blood dripping from the table to the pale blue tiles on the floor. Your eyes water and you can feel the bile rise in your throat.

You turn and run into the kitchen, vomiting into the trash can. You never thought you had a phobia of blood, but you have never seen a wound of that caliber. Jesus Christ, you hope he doesn’t die here. You wipe your mouth and try to steady yourselves.

“Towels.”

Your eyes widen and you spin around, seeing ‘Ghost’, whose name you heard from Mr. Mohawk, standing in the doorway.

“…Pardon?” You blink, shivering under his intense stare.

“Where are your towels.” You point at the cabinet on the right side of the room, eyes never leaving his. He strides over there in two steps and grabs almost all the towels out of the drawer. He leaves without so much as a thank you. Wow… rude.

You compose yourself and follow him. Garrick is still stitching up the mohawked man’s wounds, working as quickly and efficiently as humanly possible.

“Excuse me, love, but where is your husband?” The man with the facial hair asks you. You look around, before pointing to yourself. He raises a brow in response. “Yes, you.”

“You have the wrong person, I’m not married.”

“No? Are you sure?” You furrow your brows.

“Yeah, I think I would know if I was married.”

“Then how do you know Adam Baker?”

[fandomtrxsh19]

I present to you...

BG 3 Companions (+ Others) as Sonic Adventure 2 Snapcub fandub quotes

Astarion: Talk about a low budget flight! No food or movies? I'm- (Gale peeks out of the doorway) Gale?! What are you doing here?

Karlach: You need to go back home. (Karlach jumps off of a cliff with her axe that just appeared) I have a suspicion you left the oven oooooooooooooonnnnnn!

Gale: Please. Stop. Your mother would be very disappointed.

Astarion: The password is "eat my asshole".

Shadowheart: Awwwwwwww, that's not an actual passwooooooooord....

Astarion: And my social security is 69.

Wyll: DRAMA DETECTED. BLOCKING ACCOUNT.

Dame Aylin: I miss my wife, Shadowheart. I miss her a lot.

Karlach: Did we ever establish our names? Hi, I'm Karlach!

Wyll: No. Nice to meet you. I'm Wyll. Ow.

Karlach: Sorry for hitting you so much. It's just... it's part of the narrative. Wham!

Shadowheart: I'm taking over Victoria's Secret, I'm taking over Best Buy, the news is MINE, and everyone else can leave! You see that PLANET!? I'M TAKING IT TOO!! It looks like a fucking WALNUT!

Minthara: Fuck you, Moon! You never had the cheese I wanted!

Lae'zel: I hope you're ready to die, It's gonna be like Evangelion. Get the fuck out.

Karlach: Whoa...

Astarion: That is like, Evangelion or some shit man, that is crazy. Anyway.

Wyll: Wait a minute, I have an epiphany!

Karlach: Wait, what's-

Gale: Let's go!

Karlach: What's an epiphany?

Gale : How do you think I feel being CUCKED by a HEDGEHOG?

Shadowheart : Well, it might upset you to know that I also fucked your wife. [pulls out artefact] 

Karlach: AND SHE HAD AN ARTEFACT IN HER VAGINA?

Lae'zel: Good job.

and last, but certainly not least

Lae'zel : I've come to make an announcement: Shadowheart's a bitch-ass motherfucker. She pissed on my fucking wife. That's right, she took her istik fuckin' quilly dick out.-and he pissed on my fucking wife, and she said her vagina was "THIS BIG", and I said "That's disgusting!" So I'm making a callout post on my Twitter dot com. Shadowheart, you got a small vagina! It's the size of this walnut except WAY smaller! And guess what? Here's what my vagina looks like!  That's right, baby! All points, no quills, no pillows, look at that, it looks like two balls and a bong! She fucked my wife, so guess what, I'm gonna fuck Faerun! That's right, this is what you get, my SUPER LASER PISS! Except I'm not gonna piss on Faerun, I'm gonna go higher. I'm pissing on the MOON![ HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, SHAR? I PISSED ON THE MOON, YOU IDIOT!  You have 23 hours before the piss DRRRROPLLLETS hit fucking Faerun! Now get out of my fucking sight, before I piss on you too!

[jamtartandsunshine]

“Shit. Shit, shit, shit, c’mere.” For the prompt game thing!!

Thank you!! Of course with a prompt like that I'm going go with some Roy and Jamie. ------------------- It was funny for a moment. Watching Tartt eat shit as he fucking pranced up Roys front steps after an early morning work out, boasting about how young and spry he was compared to Roy. It was funny until Jamie groaned as he turned over onto his back and Roy saw his face was covered in blood that was still steadily running out from his nose “Shit. Shit, shit, shit, c’mere.” Roy says rushing over to kneel beside Jamie. "Ow" Jamie whines as Roy pokes at his nose carefully "Fucking idiot" Roy curses softly, affectionately "thats what happens when you fucking show off." Roy's voice is gruff but his hands are gentle as he carefully pokes and prods at Jamie's face. Sighing in relief after a moment "I don't think you broke anything." "Still fucking hurts" Jamie whines as Roy helps him sit up, the rough hand under his back slides up to squeeze the back of the younger mans neck lightly "I bet it does, you fucking face planted on my concrete steps you muppet." Roys hand darts up to push Jamie's hair out of his face. "Come on lets get you inside and clean you up." "I want pancakes" Jamie says looking up at Roy with a pout. "Fuck off" Roy scoffs affectionately "Pancakes aren't on your meal plan." "I'm bleedin'!" Jamie whines holding out a blood covered hand to Roy "I should get pancakes." Roy looks over at him. Stupid fucking sweaty walnut mist hair falling over his eyes making him look even younger then he is. Vivid red blood stark against his pale skin. He sighs, wondering when it was that fucking Jamie Tartt had managed to go from getting under Roy's skin, to into his heart. "You can have a few pancakes with your eggs" He grumbles as he helps Jamie up "Fucking small ones, after I've fucking cleaned you up." Jamie grins, then winces as it pulls at the small gash on his face. "Fucking mint" He nods before the smile falls as he looks over at Roy worriedly. "Uh Roy you ain't gonna tell the team I face planted on your stairs are you?"

[firapolemos05]

@ft-platonicweek Day 5 - Injury

Don't let the title scare you, this is mostly silly, if a bit crass. This is a scene from an older project of mine but I thought it'd be funny to share for today.

Team Shadowgear takes a day to relax by a local stream. Jet has a rather -ahem- unfortunate mishap. He doesn't find it as amusing as his friends do.

Levy marveled at the school of walnut sized fish darting around her submerged feet. "They're so tiny."

"Yeah, they're called pebble guppies," Droy explained, pausing his search for aquatic bugs. "Super common in areas of shallow freshwater like this."

"Hmm, I wonder what they taste like."

From where he was laying in the grass, Gajeel snorted. "Make sure she doesn't try t'dive after one and eat it, Droy."

"I'm just wondering!"

Droy, the little traitor, chuckled in agreement. "Yeah Levy, no raw fish for you today. Wouldn't want you to turn into a catfish or-"

The conversation, plus the tranquil setting, shattered with the abrupt blaring of a blood curdling, high pitched scream. Levy and Droy jolted where they stood, scaring away the school of fish they were admiring. Gajeel jumped to his feet in alarm, iron scales already covering his arm, and the other two quickly prepared their own spells, ready to defend against whatever threat dared to attack them.

But the sight before them was no big monster or ambushing dark mages. It was Jet on the opposite bank of the stream, thrashing like a netted cat and screaming bloody murder.

"HELP ME!" he yowled in a voice high enough that dogs could hear. "Fucking catfish! My nuts! It's got my nuts! Fuck SHIT GET IT OFF OH GODS!"

His continued cries stood out in the ensuing few seconds of silence.

"Your nuts?" Levy repeated, lowering her arm and canceling her magic. A twitch pulled up the corners of her mouth. "You mean a catfish bit your testicle?"

Over on their side, Gajeel didn’t bother listening to anything more. He'd already collapsed back onto the ground, laughing his ass off.

Droy began to wade across, heading to assist however he could. Jet finally lurched forward, flopping face-first into the water with a painful sounding smack. Now free of whatever hole he got stuck in, and whatever hungry fish mistook him for a meal, he kicked away from the bank and regained his footing.

His awkward waddle, paired with his teary-eyed face and one hand cupping his battered jewels was not helping Levy control her laughter. Droy wasn't doing much better, audibly snickering as he reached Jet and offered a shoulder for support.

"Easy there. You alright?"

"Stupid fish," Jet growled, pain and humiliation making the color of his face clash with his hair. "I'll be fine. You can stop laughing, you assholes."

"Want some ice on that?" Levy suggested, barely keeping it together.

"I said I'm fine!"

"Ya sure yer good, Motormouth? Maybe we should take ya t'Porlyusica!" Gajeel somehow managed to calm himself enough for his words to be coherent. "I mean it ain't like you can afford to lose a nut when ya barely got a pair t'begin with!" He broke into another fit of cackling, and unable to take it anymore, Levy quickly joined him.

Jet's face. It was too funny.

If looks could kill, his glare would've made both of them drop dead.

[numberonecodwomenfan]

Konig is a bagel with ALL the toppings kinda guy. Cream cheese. Capers. Lox. A pickle if he's feeling fancy. Eats it like a sandwich. Horks one of these fucking beautiful breakfast masterpieces down every chance he gets (Horangi is ever so slightly disgusted by this but then he tries one and is Immediately Converted. Horangi eats the same thing except he delicate chews his way through every bite while Konig is very obviously having a religious experience per meal)

Yes on the gefilte fish being gross. Will absolutely knock your socks off with matzo ball soup. Konig's got the works. Chicken, carrots, onions, celery that melts in your mouth. Noodles. Massive matzo balls. Richest broth you've ever tasted. He makes a giant pot every Friday night for the KORTAC crew and you get to watch people literally draw blood in an attempt to score a bowl.

Somehow can eat his breakfast bagel sandwich without spilling a thing but tries to enjoy sufangoyit and is utterly unable to keep jelly off of himself. It'll be Somewhere. It's Inevitable. The price he must pay.

On his days off I know he absolutely fucks up a bowl of charoset. He's just munching and dipping with his left hand and in the other he's got the bottle of wine he used. Obviously manischewitz.

One time Horangi tried to give Konig wine bc Konig said he liked it and Konig just stares at the Distinctly Not manischewitz bottle in his hand like "oy vey what is this"

Keeps a mezuzah in the pocket most soldiers put alcohol or cigars. Taps it against the door of whatever barracks hes sleeping in when he enters the first time but never leaves it there.

Always has little tea lights that he lights on Fridays when he's deployed. Exceptionally gentle anytime a mission is on a Friday night or Saturday. He knows he has to do his job, but he's less... Bloody. On those missions. Something about putting enemies to rest rather than "taking them down" makes it. Easier.

His real name is like, something Obnoxiously Jewish. My personal true Konig name is Melech which means "king" bc it's funny if he just. Chose a codename that means his actual name.

Very rarely gets a chance to go to Temple because Job but always keeps his face Uncovered no matter how uncomfortable it makes him while there. All the Rabbi's love him because he's so willing to learn. His Babushka's rabbi refers to him as "my boy". Konig is a full foot and a half taller.

im sorry, a PICKLE???? i have never in my life seen someone put a PICKLE on a bagel. pickles are so wet??? wouldn’t it just make the bagel soggy???? i am baffled by this sorry. but also könig is a freak and a strange guy so he probably would put some crazy shit on his bagels. im a simple girl, cream cheese and lox for me (on the rare occasion i even have bagels in the house, honestly goldbergs is antisemitic for making bagels like 25 bucks a dozen. in this economy??)

gefilte fish they could never make me like you 🙏 my mom says its just a vessel for horseradish to her but then just find something better to put ur evil vegetable on

he’s so me fr (can’t eat food without spilling it because i have the coordination of a newborn giraffe)

also now im just imagining all the kortac operators fighting over soup 😭 i just know hutch is first in line, that man gives off major foodie vibes for some reason. and tbh theyre real for that, i too would fight a war for some good matzo ball soup

i didnt know people actually ate charoset (which btw i had to look up because i didnt recognize the spelling 😭 my family spells it with an h, why can none of us decide how to spell anything) outside of passover?? but tbf i dont like walnuts so i probs wouldnt anyway. but yes i agree. this man EATS. he is LARGE. HE EATS.

“oy vey what is this” HELP 😭 i think it would be so funny if someone wrote a fic where instead of randomly dropping german words into sentences, he just starts speaking yiddish 💀 i am not old enough to drink alcohol but my mom is a big fan of manischewitz so 👍

shoutout to the mezuzzah on my back door that at some point got the landlord special (we?? own the house??? and dont have a landlord???????) and is now just built into the wall. im sure thats Not Good but i didnt do it and also i never claimed to be a good jew lmao

the shabbat one :((( why would u say this to me now i’ll never get that thought out of my head 😢

i personally went with lukas for his name, but i was considering jacob before i chose (side note, can jewish parents be a LITTLE more creative when naming their kids??? i went to a jewish summer camp for a few years and you could yell “sam!” and probably 20 heads would turn). i love the idea of him having an obnoxiously jewish name though thats so silly 😭 especially because you KNOW no one would pronounce it with the throat sound at the end and it annoys him to no end

MY BOY IM SOBBINGGG 😭😭😭 i wrote a fic about könig’s childhood where i mentioned that i hc his dad left (L) so every time the rabbi calls him that he has an internal breakdown like “bro dont be weird this guy is NOT your dad”

thank u for these i have been FED