#full of energy baby marc gets me so much

[kingofthering]

endless list of random motogp things - marc marquez + jumping on the podium

valencia 2013 | jerez 2014

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL

June 2023 Wk 2

Being a highly subjective assessment of one tiny corner of the interwebs. Organized by which ones (in each category) I’m enjoying most.

Ongoing Series - Thai

Step By Step (Tues WeTV & Gaga) ep 7 of 10 - I really adore the family/household dynamics in this show. All the relationships between siblings are so well executed. All the tension and sub text and covert glances in the first “modeling” sequence was so good. I really want to watch the BL within this BL. Bruce is THE BEST. Jeng shutting down everyone with a cool few words is genius (especially given the curt sharp flat way he speaks Thai). Why does nobody have parasols or sun hats or sunshades or sunglasses or anything? I’m actually not mad about seeing an attempted reunion with the ex, bc we are getting to see both that (and how) they once were good together, and also the cracks that drove them apart (and will not allow them to ultimately be together a 2nd time around). I do feel sorry for Jeng, he moved too slowly and lost the 1st round. The captions were not good in the trunk seen, but trust me it was totally hilarious. 

La Pluie (Sat iQIYI) ep 7 of 10 - I finally figured out why I am so tense around this show. In openly taking to task and challenging the soulmates trope, this narrative is telling viewers not to trust it’s core trope - which means we cannot trust the main couple to end happily, nor can we trust those characters who believe most strongly in fated mates (Pat & Mai). This means I, personally, not only can’t rely on an HEA but (as someone who also does not believe in soulmates) I am not entirely sure I even WANT an HEA. This has NEVER happened to me before. It makes me uncomfortable because that’s a core part of my identify with these shows. I mean, good job La Pluie, but also.... huh. Back to this ep: Uh oh. The crush is obvious and the soulmate knows what’s up now. The sex scene twist was v interesting, v gay, and v unusual in a BL. Unfortunately it’s still a BL so the faen fatal just HAD to appear. Will there ever be one out of Thailand where this trope doesn’t show up? Next week is the tried & true uke damsels off into the woods alone. Sigh. 

Our Skyy 2 (Bad Buddy & 1k*) eps 12-16fin - Jimmy, baby, why so hot in an engineering smock? Please have mercy. Aw, Marc is back in yet ANOTHER BL. Definitely the current record holder for most BLs at any one time. (His filming schedule must’ve been insane at the beginning of this year!) PatPran are still great, and their eps this had me hooting with laughter (startling the cat). I forgot how much I enjoyed this show and cast. (Ohm looks great with longer hair, but also he’s lost a lot of weight. I hope he’s OK.) OhmNanon give pitch perfect LTR energy. Throwing EarthMix into the, erm, mix is fun if awkward. NO SINGING. 2 damsels in the forest! Also PatPran = geniuses at mock fighting. So much flirting. It was all quite adorbs. But me-thinks Chief & Tian have been eating moonlight chicken. Full review below. 

Be My Favorite (Fri YouTube) ep 3 of 10? - was enjoying it up until the last bit, why so digusted by smooches? Bad GMMTV no green tea for you. Trash watch here! Rollercoaster about to go DOWWNNNN. 

Luminous Solution (Sat Gaga) ep 3 of 6 - I still only like the high school characters + Dome (WHY so gorgeous?). Is he a magical spirit too? Also, the subs were well off kilter. 

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Our Dining Table AKA Bokura no Shokutaku (Japan Thurs Gaga) ep 10 fin - God they’re so cute. This show used the manga as a storyboard, so I knew the “crisis of faith over possibility of loss” would happen. Still in live action this felt tonally off. While understandable given Yutaka’s character, and ultimately particularly important for the dad and a relationship with the family, I don’t know we needed it in this BL. The book does have a better ending second scene, but it wouldn’t be possible to do it on screen easily. Ultimately, this show had a simple, touching, quiet end to it. That’s very like the show as a whole. I did love it - it’s been top of my list all along. Full review after the special airs. 

Love Tractor (Korea Weds iQIYI) eps 1-2 of 8 - I LOVE IT SO MUCH. IT IS EVERYTHING. SHUT UP I AM FERRIL FOR THE BEAUTIFUL CITY BOY AND THE YOUNG FARMER. Come on. Korea. SRS? Plus some language play? I just go die now. 

Star Struck (Korea iQIYI & Gaga) ep 7-8 fin - Man this was a difficult show for me. I know we’re supposed to identify with HanJoon but I really felt for YooJae. I’ve been in his position more often than I care to count, and it’s terrible to lose a friend because they caught feelings and you did not. It’s an awful thing to hold a friendship hostage on condition of a romantic relationship. Especially if the other person is not sexually interested in you! All that said, the boyfriend ep was okay. Not sure I believed in this relationship, but it was cute enough. The final ep was (how do I put this?) a loser. We spent a lot of time with terrible home lives and then a semi happy for now final scene? Whatever. Full review below. 

Vian the series (Vietnam YouTube ) ep 6 of 12 - somehow I keep missing this one, I’ll catch it next week. 

Naked Dinner AKA Zenra Meshi (Japan Fri Gaga) ep 9 of 12 - I think the Taiwanese boss is my favorite character. Japan rarely (if ever ) trots out the faen fatal trope. I mean I named it with a Thai word for a reason, it’s not from origin yaoi at all. Yet still there she is. Sigh. This show. 

Stupid Genius (Vietnam Fri YouTube) ep 1 of 6 - RL Studio (Stupid Boys Stupid Love) bringing us yet another high school set VBL. It’s actually not bad. I see a lot of common faces whom I’ve enjoyed in past VBLs. 

It’s Airing But ...

House of Stars (Thai Mon iQIYI) 12 eps - I bounced at ep 3. Will binge if told it is worth it at end.

Stay (Pinoy YouTube) 7 eps - It’s mostly in English and set in LA so I’m not bothering but the first one did drop.

Ever After (Pinoy ????) - I got nothing. 

Takumi-kun Series 6: Nagai Nagai Monogatari no Hajimari no Asa (Japan Sun ????) 10 eps - NO ONE ASKED FOR THIS and no, I have no idea where to get it, why would I? (Say it with me everyone: Oh Japan, must you?*)

Boys Love Omegaverse (Japan ????) - honestly tho? Who tf cares? You’ll still tell me if you find it, because inquiring minds... Irony of this airing at the same time as Takumi-kun. Full circle much, Japan? 

Tin Tem Jai Special (Thai ????) - honestly I checked Gaga & iQiyi in my territory (craptastic hotel) and neither had it listed so I quickly gave up. I mean OF COURSE I WOULD LIKE TO SEE Lee Long Shi in a bathtub, who wouldn’t? But... 

Just because I didn’t watch the special doesn’t mean I can’t gank Lee Long Shi wearing nothing but soap bubbles for you. 

I’m not a monster. 

Ended This Week 

Our Skyy 2 final 4 eps thoughts: This was an interesting combination, and don’t get me wrong I very much enjoyed it, but it felt like the story was carried by PatPran’s characters while the setting and narrative followed an ATOTS arc - ultimately disjointed. OhmNanon are so bold and vibrant they’re too stark a tonal contrast to EarthMix’s more refined and elegant approach, so for me the screen presences and the style of story clashed. It was like a bouquet made up of tulips & roses: they are both flowers and they’re both pretty, but I feel like they actually belong in different vases. Still, enjoyable. And I got a crying kiss. Always makes me happy. Definitely the best of this bunch, and probably the best Our Skyy (and I genuinely loved both the NLMG historical installment and SOTUS.) 8/10 

Star Struck. A friends to lovers story that felt more friends to tolerant yet disinterested partner. It was more about challenges with parents and class strife. I would’ve been disappointed if the show hadn’t come out of nowhere so I had no expectations. But as KBLs go, don’t bother. 6/10 

Next Week Looks Like This:

Starting:

6/15 Tokyo in April AKA Shigatsu no Tokyo wa (Japan Gaga) 8 eps - Based on a yaoi, this is a reunion romance that takes place in an office. Japan does Our Dating Sim? Yes please.

Still Coming - June 2023

6/22 About Us but Not About Us (Pinoy movie from 2022 on Prime) - A professor grieving the loss of his partner meets an ambitious literature student.

6/24 Why You (Khmer BL ????) - Billed as a horror romance, not sure if this is a movie or a series where it will air... nothing except that it exists.

6/24 Tie The Knot AKA Under the Same Sky (Pinoy movie on Prime) Trailer - I guess Prime is coming for our Pinoy BL? From OXIN Films (Rainbow Prince), announced for 2022 based on a true story, Briggs's family runs a bridal business but he has never had a chance to fall in love until he meets Shao, a groom to be.

6/25 Dinosaur Love (Thai iQIYI) Trailer 5 eps - from Ultimate Troop about a uni student, Rak, whose partner cheats on him with Rak's best friend. This gives bad boy hazer Dino an opportunity to hit on Rak at last. From The Yearbook people so I will not watch this as it airs. After Remember Me? Never again with them.

2023 forthcoming BL master post (see comments, some are inaccurate, NOT KEPT UPDATED)

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

Bruce is so damn fantastic in this show.

Consent comes in all different forms. (both Step by Step) 

Fight fight fight!

Sex sex sex blow job! (both La Pluie) 

Smartest boy in the show. 

Not enough InkPa... never enough. Never never never! 

Love the suit.

All from the Our Skyy 2 BB + ATOTS cross over. 

(last week)

Current Kpop earworm? IVE’s I Am

[hailey-murdock]

right so, asking for a friend

she’s not been having too fun a time lately, and told me told me to ask for some marc spector comfort…?

maybe a little something something, like he comes over to hers bc he noticed her withdraw, and is you know all sweet and reassuring and shit

drabble, blurb, full fic, hc’s, totally up to you babe

she’d be very happy if you could write this for her

also a big fat hi from me💓

Here for you

Paring: Marc Spector x Fem!reader

Warnings: bit of angst but mainly fluff

WC:1.k

AN: I tried my best to give you the fluff you needed babe. I honestly hope that I did you justice. Ilysm @little-miss-dilf-lover 💗

We all have our moments of doubt and uncertainty in ourselves from time to time. And for you it was certainly one of those moments. 

As you opened the door to your flat, you immediately took off your shoes and bag. Not bothering to change, your body met with the cushion of your couch. 

Your eyes began to water at the frustration you've been having lately. It was confusing, the exact reason as to why you felt this way was unknown. 

The pounding feeling in your head didn't make it any better. Words couldn't describe how much you had on your mind. Thousands of voices hounded your head.

You'd look in the mirror of your bathroom and realize that you didn't recognize yourself. It wasn't anything new about this to you. There would be times where the negativity filled your mind up. It was like a fog that made it hard to think properly. 

The sound of sobs filled the room, tears streamed down the curve of your cheeks. One way or another there had to be a way to get rid of all that frustration and sadness. 

Desperation got the best of you, if you could you would have pulled don't your hair, bang your head against a wall or whatever. You just wanted peace. Some quietness, the thoughts in your head getting louder each day.

Comfort was the only thing on your mind. The need to find relief through something or someone. 

One person came to mind, Marc. Wait, no, you couldn't bum him out with the way you've been feeling. He had enough on his plate, he didn't need you to add more.

It would only make you seem like a bad girlfriend, you thought to yourself. Speak of the devil, your phone on the coffee table lit up with a phone call from Marc.

Silently with the sleeve of the shirt you were wearing, you wiped away your tears as you answered the call.

"Hello", your voice sounded groggy and the quiet sniffle was obvious to Marc. He decided not to push unless you said anything.

"Hey honey, are we still on for tonight?" You had forgotten that Marc was supposed to stay at your flat tonight. With many things on your mind it was hard to remember a lot of things.

Just like how your boss today yelled at you for forgetting to do an assignment they had assigned you.

"Yeah", you muttered out softly. 

"Honey? Are you okay?" Marc had noticed a few days ago the drastic change of your aura. He knew you'd open up when it was the right moment for you. 

"Mhm yeah just tired baby. I'll see you in a bit", it wasn't a lie, just wasn't the full truth. 

"Oh- uh okay", with that you hung up. It was clear that something was bothering you. Marc had a bit of an idea on how to cheer you up.

Too tired to get up and open the door to Marc, you yelled for him to come in. As he stepped into your home, he immediately sensed a shift in your energy, he was right about his assumptions.

Marc walked into your flat, with a bouquet of tulips (your favorite) in one hand and the other his bag for the night. It was clear that you were withdrawn and carrying a weight on your shoulders. No words needed to be said. His heart sank as he observed your sadness written all over your face.

"Oh baby-", Marc dropped his bag and put the flowers on the coffee table as he took you into his arms. 

The warmth of Marc's body radiating onto yours made you no longer able to keep a wall around yourself. Tears ran down your face, body trembling. 

Marc held you for a while until you calmed down. His hand rubbing your back as he pressed soft kisses on your head. He didn’t know what else to do. This wasn't his kind of thing.

He broke the silence, "Do you want to talk to Steven-". 

Cutting him off you mumbled against his chest, "No, wanna talk to you. J-just hold me longer, please".

Marc knew that he needed to provide comfort and reassurance in times like these.

He knew Steven did a better job at the reassurance thing, but he couldn’t deny that it warmed his heart that you wanted him in that moment, not Steven, him. 

Marc had a gentle smile with the way you wanted his comfort. His eyes were filled with compassion and understanding for you as he held you in his arms.

He understood that you needed a state of mind - renewed happiness in something or someone, to alleviate your sadness.

Marc wanted to be the purposeful attempt to restore your joy, to let you know that you aren't alone in this and that he's by your side.

He picked you up easily and sat down on your couch, with you on his lap. Your arms wrapped around him and your head nuzzled in his chest. 

The sensation of him taking your hand in his made you look up at him with teary eyes. . "I'm here for you," Marc whispered softly, his voice filled with warmth and sincerity.

Your eyes met his, and he could see a flicker of hope amidst the sadness. At that moment, he knew he had to choose his words carefully. 

He leaned in closer and spoke softly, "You are not alone honey. I am here to support you, to be the anchor that keeps you grounded when life feels overwhelming".

Marc could see a glimmer of relief in your eyes as if his words were slowly breaking through the walls you had built around yourself. 

The two of you were shocked at his words, it was surprising for Marc to give this kinda if comfort but the words came from his heart.

In that moment you knew for sure the feeling you had for him was love. You pulled him in and kissed his soft lips before resting your forehead against his.

"I love you Marc," it slipped out of you so easily, even being the first time you said it. 

Marc's eyes widened at your words but his eyes softened and he pulled you again to a kiss but filled with love and tenderness.

"I love you more honey," a wide smile on his face feeling relieved to finally get that off his chest for a while now.

[micallum]

normal day in the assy house in 20 years https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGJHhDLCH/

Okay, I have calmed down and I come bearing gifts (cursed gifts but gifts nonetheless):

I will not go 20 years into the future but I think a little less is enough, so picture this with me (sorry for the short fanfic - something came over me):

You are making dinner in your cute modest home somewhere in Monaco, life has been good; you married your long-time boyfriend Arthur almost 7 years ago, had a dog, and provided shelter to all neighborhood cats. You have managed to have 2 kids during the past 5 years, with a third (and hopefully last) one on the way you believed the family was clearly complete.

You hear a lot of noises coming from the living room, as you do most days when Arthur is home. He is a good dad, in fact, it surprised you that he is so present even when he spends so much time away for races. The man makes a conscious effort to be reliable, which you thank him for since the Leclerc gene is an inescapable truth and your two boys have it.

What is the Leclerc gene? WELL, the Leclerc boys are full of energy, very focused, and very independent. If only they wouldn't try to do things on their own the entire time. You have been called to school more than once. The first time, little Oli had made a mess with a tube of white paint because he wanted to cover some crayon artwork his friend made on the wall... A more recent event was when your youngest started a food fight during naptime - somehow.

So you are used to the mess and the noise. It still worries you how the 5 and 2-year-old boys are going to deal with their newborn brother.

You rub your belly at the idea, at least Oli has the experience of when Marc was born, but Marc? Baby Macky? No, he is going to lose his mind in June.

With the table set you call out for the boys, hoping Arthur will help. A couple of minutes go by and nobody walks into the dining room. You poke your head out the hallway and call for Arthur this time.

"Tutuuuuur!" You tip-toe in your yoga socks.

Oh, and there they are. Every boy is on a different piece of furniture. Arthur balances his weight between the coffee table and the armrest of the loveseat as he giggles. Oli hugs a pillar with his arms and legs as he screams "Papa, je tombe!" Macky simply yells and covers his face with his hands as he waits for Arthur on the other end of the loveseat.

"What are we doing?" You ask the three of them in French, and everyone stares back. "It's dinnertime, come on!"

"How is she doing it?" Oli asks, climbing the pillar with the agility of a monkey.

"Mama?"

"I told you!" Arthur turns his body and points a finger at you, "I married a witch!"

Macky gasps but reaches out to you, bright innocent eyes staring back. You roll your eyes but your feet move automatically toward your child, walking right past your husband. You grab the youngest boy and hold him on your hip, he rests his arm on your shoulder and plays with a strand of your hair in his other hand.

"Mama, are you a good witch?" He mumbles.

He is almost a copy of his father and his timid smile makes anyone's heart melt. His kindergarten teachers are proof of it, and you are not immune either.

"Am I a good witch?" You put a finger on your chin for a moment and watch Arthur get off the furniture and go pick up Oli, "Most days I am."

"I think that makes Daddy a wizard!" Oli chimes in.

Arthur laughs and blinks repeatedly. "I don't know about that..."

"Okay, you two..." Your eyes narrow at Arthur, "-you three need to go wash your hands."

"Can't you use magic to clean them?"

Arthur smiles at Oli and gives him a high five, though upon seeing your face, he puts him down and comes to grab Macky.

"We'll be right back," he whispers, taking a second to give you a quick peck on the cheek.

"Of course you will, food's getting cold and we're starving!"

You have picked up the habit of speaking about yourself in plural, a hand on your belly almost at all times now that the baby bump is bigger. Arthur always smiles and makes a little noise at the sight, tonight is no exception. He gives you a wink and runs off to the bathroom with a boy on each arm.

"Come on boys! Your brother's hungry!" You hear Arthur tell the kids.

"What brother?" Macky asks.

You turn on your heal, knowing that your husband's got it and will not say anything inappropriate to your children.

"I told you, Mama's a witch! She is making a baby in her belly!"

"WHAT?" Macky yells, "BUT I AM A BABY?!"

"ANOTHER ONE?!" Oli sounds less than thrilled, "We have this one!"

Arthur's laughter is loud across the house as he tries to calm the boys down.

"I promise you guys; this is the last one!" Arthur says, but you know he might not mean it.

The only reason you are pregnant again is that he convinced you to try for a baby girl, and you are sure he will try to talk you into it again in a couple of years... if you will give in is still uncertain, but you know there are few things you will deny him.

[howaboutcastiel]

Make Your Acquaintance IX

2 for 1 special? Or more accurately, just a much too-long chapter with time jumps. It’s okay. You don’t have to read it all at once. Take some breaks. Eat some snacks. Masterlist. Part VIII.

Content: talking. probably an unrealistic amount of sharing and caring from our boys. Indulge me. Featuring all three of the boys, allusions to sex but no smut in this chapter. Crying. 

Word count: 5.4k

An Author’s Note: Steven and the others call the reader ‘otter’ or “ott” as in a pun for ‘significant other.’ I did this so they could call the reader something other than their name. I know it’s a little weird. There’s not much plot development in this chapter. I’m mainly filling in the gaps. Not proofread. 

“Forgive me if I’m confused.”

There was no other way to reply to him. There couldn’t possibly be. You had both said… all of those things. There had been so much anger in the room and yet this had been the result. Marc’s breath was steady and his heart was pressed against your ear, your arms and legs wrapped around his side. He was staring at the ceiling--of course, you couldn’t see that--and your eyes were trained on the open door of the bathroom. The vanity light was still on. 

“About what?” He ran his palm over your shoulder dazedly. Everything was warm. Actually, everything was hot and sticky and sweaty and smothering, but you couldn’t bring yourself to move off of his chest. 

“Why did you do that?” It didn’t take any explanation for him to know what that meant. You felt him swallow hard. “I was practically yelling at you.”

“I know.”

He squeezed the skin of your arm lightly and tears that you couldn’t see began to well in his eyes. You were both so tired--so fucking tired--and he had no energy left to lie to you. He couldn’t think up a good lie if he tried.

“But it was all true. I mean, I knew that it was true before you said it to me, but it just made me think…”

“Made you think what, baby?” He near-silently hummed at your pet name for him. Baby. It felt out of place. So dreadfully out of place.

“That you already know all those things about me. You see right through me.” Marc’s head was still flat against the pillow, out of your view entirely, but you heard the sob subtly erupt up from his chest. He did his best to stifle it, of course, but the sound was evident with your head against his heart. 

“I don’t want you to hide yourself from me. I want every part of you.”

“Dammit, I know,” He paused and he swallowed and he fought desperately to keep his voice from wavering. “And I don’t get it. Why are you still here? You don’t have to be. You already see me for what I am. A mess. A killer. Why haven’t you left?”

“I don’t want to leave.”

There was no way to hold back the sobs now. At full force, Marc’s chest heaved and shuddered and he couldn’t breathe properly as the tears fell down his cheeks. He held his breath as a way to stifle the cries, but it wasn’t working out well for him. He was much too exhausted. 

“Why does he get to have you? Why does he deserve you?” His voice fell to barely-audible gasps. “Why does he get to think he deserves you?”

There it was. Of fucking course, there it was. Marc was angry at you. He was furious at you, but that’s not what all of this was about. You had broken perhaps every boundary that meant something to him. Lying, cheating, sneaking around behind his back. That wasn’t the source of his pain, though, of course not. Like always, Marc was angry at himself. He was guilty, and he felt angry for being guilty, and he felt even more angry that Jake Lockley didn’t feel those things. Why could the darkest part of himself be allowed to enjoy the good things, when he couldn’t bring himself to do so?

“You deserve me, too.” This was certainly a hard one, wasn’t it? “To be fair, it’s not like I deserve any of you right now.”

No words from him. Only silent, broken sobs that no doubt made him feel helplessness and shame. 

“Marc, I’m really sorry. I know I’ve already said it over and over again but I am. I’m sorry. I should have never lied to you about Budapest and I should have never snuck around behind your back. It was wrong of me--really wrong--to assume that what I was doing was okay because Jake shares a body with you. It’s not nearly the excuse that I convinced myself it was, and you didn’t deserve that betrayal from me.”

He took a while to think over your words.

~~~

“Steven.”

Steven Grant woke up the way that he often does: absolutely scared to all hell. There was no ankle restraint to throw him to the ground and he found himself a good meter from his bed when he finally realized where he was. His muscles were sprung, ready to pounce. He’d heard the voice calling to him, but the last thing that he remembered was being placed in a chokehold by a man in a black suit, bullets flying and curses riddling the air as he struggled for his life. 

Did someone say something?

The apartment was quiet. Far, far too quiet, and he couldn’t orient himself no matter how he tried. It was as if his mind was stuck somewhere between Budapest and here. Where was everyone? There was no Khonshu, there was no you, there was no little American man in his head telling him everything was okay. There was silence. 

“Darling? You there?” He straightened his back, looking warily around the apartment for any sign of life other than himself. Everything seemed to be in the same shape he had left it. Books were strewn about the place as much as he could get away with before you usually told him he needed to re-shelve them. The little chores were taken care of, like the dishes in the sink and the clothes in the hamper and the dirt in front of the door. You weren’t anywhere to be found, though, and no one in his head would own up to waking him. 

“What day is it?”

There was still silence. Frightening silence, but he relaxed a bit as he felt someone close to the front, acknowledging him. Marc’s own tension was evident, though, and it kept Steven on edge as he pressed closer to communicate with him. 

“Marc, what’s wrong?” He could feel all of Marc’s emotions seeping into him, weighing him down. It wasn’t anything that Steven had felt from him before, and usually Marc did his best to keep those feelings separate from him altogether. This was different. Steven didn’t like it. 

“How do you feel?” Marc’s voice was low, soothing him too aggressively. It didn’t match how Steven knew he was feeling. He could sense the dread, the betrayal, the emptiness. He could sense the anger. 

“How do you think I feel? What happened?” He pulled himself over to the bathroom. The body was heavy, but it was clearly well taken care of. Steven felt well-fed, well-rested, and well-hydrated, but he still felt like his limbs were made of lead. He spoke aloud to his reflection in the vanity. “How long has it been since Budapest?”

Marc looked dreadful. There was no hiding it, there wasn’t even a chance at sugarcoating it. He peered back at Steven like a deer in headlights, resigned and frozen and fearful and all of the things Steven never saw him be. 

“Ten days.”

Ten days? Steven felt like he’d been punched in the gut. His blood ran cold and the part of his mind that he could firmly grasp was racing from thought to thought. Ten days? How the hell has it been ten days? I don’t remember anything. I don’t remember going into the headspace. I was just there. We were just there!

“What happened?”

Marc was poised to answer, but something stopped him in his tracks. There was… something else. Someone else there with them. Inside of them. Steven had never felt Jake coming to the front before. He’d never felt him watching or listening, but this he could feel. It scared the shit out of him. 

He looked back up at the mirror, hoping that Marc could show him any sign of reassurance, but he only saw himself. The only image in his reflection was his own, and yet he could feel Marc--and Jake-- so close to the front. Steven thought he might actually throw up. 

Slowly and deliberately, he curled his fingers open from the tightly-squeezed fists they were in. He tapped each digit against his thumb, finding no resistance in the movement. The body was his, all his right now, but his mind sure wasn’t alone. Both of the alters were seething inside of him, but they held just too far from the front and in complete silence. The body was his, but what to do with it?

Nothing makes sense. Why don’t I remember anything? Why is he here all of the sudden? I didn’t know he could do that? Why are they so angry, and why aren’t they saying anything? What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to just let them sort it out? They’re hiding something from me. Obviously. Wait--

Steven hated the confusion and he hated the slow realization of just how little he knew. Where were you? What time was it? What had happened in Budapest? Were you safe? Where were you? Were you safe?

 “Where’s our Otter?” He whined aloud. This changed all of those feelings in his chest instantly. Marc grew more desperate, more angry, more on-edge, while the other one grew more… shameful? Steven’s heart dropped into his chest.

“What happened? Did something happen? There were those men, in the hotel room--”

“Calm down, Steven. Nothing happened. Ott’s at work. They’ll be home later.”

A weight was lifted off his chest, but plenty more were still there. Steven didn’t understand where he’d gone. He didn’t understand why he’d been gone, or what had happened while he was away. There was no way to even start to ask Marc to fill in the gaps, but he repeated his question again. 

“What happened?”

“He happened.”

~~~

“You know, I can’t tell you the last time I heard someone say sorry to me.” Marc was still sniffling, but he was much calmer now. He was much more dazed. The lack of sleep was eating at him. “Maybe my dad. When he was begging me not to join the marines. It was desperate, though. He didn’t really mean it, I don’t think. He’d never said it before, and he hasn’t said it since.” 

“Apologies are what you’re supposed to do when you’ve hurt someone.”

“And they just make everything okay?”

“Of course they don’t,” you huffed. He was serious, though. You supposed that was fair--when had anyone ever explained it otherwise to him? “But they’re a good place to start. You get to decide what to do after that.”

“So I don’t have to forgive you?”

The words cut through you like a dull, jagged knife. You tilted your head up to look at him, but he kept his aimed toward the ceiling. His eyes were dull and glossy and he almost could have been sleeping with them open. 

“No, I guess that you don’t.” Maybe that’s what you deserved. You couldn’t bear the thought of him never forgiving you for this, though. Marc Spector was your life. You needed him, every single part of him, or else you didn’t know what to do with yourself. 

~~~

“I don’t understand,” Steven sat himself down on the couch, his heart pounding nearly out of his chest. It simply didn’t make sense. Why was he the only one here who didn’t know what was going on? “What do you mean he happened?”

There was so much tension in his body, he couldn’t tell what was his own and what was from the others. The others. They were both here, angry and rigid. Pressing up against the surface just enough to make him want to go insane. No matter how hard he tried, Steven couldn’t remember the last thing that had happened to him. He was in that hotel, fighting desperately for your life and his own, and then he was here. 

That could only mean one thing. 

“Jake?” His voice was shaky as he called out for the near-stranger inside of him. The pressure in his chest burned hot and he couldn’t quite feel totally awake. Something was clouding his brain, perhaps a subconscious effort from one of the others to come to the front. He didn’t expect the voice that answered him.

“Don’t.” A warning. Marc pushed back against Steven’s intent to dig deeper, to search for his other alter. Jake was still close behind them, listening and watching and feeling Steven’s despair, but he said nothing yet. “Let me explain this, Steven.”

“No. I want to talk to him.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Eso es lo que él decide. ¿No lo crees, amigo?” Steven had never really heard Jake before. To him, Marc sounded just like himself, except American and grumpy and dramatic sometimes. This voice was different, by far. It wasn’t nearly his own, and it was smooth and robust and grating and small all at once. It shook him deeply. 

“What—what did Marc mean by saying you happened? You were at the hotel, weren’t you?” Thinking straight became harder and harder for him. He picked himself up and wandered aimlessly around the apartment, trying to ground himself in something. Anything. 

“I was.” Jake’s cadence was calm, orderly. Steven could picture him standing in front of him, head held high and devilish composure on his face. “You needed my help, so I helped.”

“And… how exactly did you help?” He had a deep pit in his stomach. Steven already knew the ways Jake offered help. 

“I extinguished the threat and got us to safety.”

“That’s a real nice way of telling you that he took a jagged piece of glass and ripped open their throats.”

Yeah, that sounded about right.

“Hice algo para ayudar. No puedes culparme por eso.” Of course, Steven had no idea what Jake had said, but he knew that his tone was short. It sent chills up his spine. 

“No necesitamos ese tipo de ayuda.” Marc’s response dumbfounded him. He didn’t even know that Marc could speak Spanish. Could he always do that?

That comment is what sparked it, the whirlwind of swears en Español that rang loudly in Steven’s head. There was nothing for him to do. Most of it the yelling was in a language he did not understand, but he couldn’t tune it out long enough to think for himself. The animosity wasn’t even his own, but it beat against his chest and pounded in his ears and forced the strength from his arms and his legs. He sat himself down on the floor, shoving a stack of books from his desk down with him.

He caught bits and pieces, mostly from Jake trying desperately to tell his side of the story. Each time that he tried, though, Marc interjected or denied or just downright reached out and pulled Jake far enough back that Steven couldn’t hear him anymore. They were like children. Little petulant children fighting tooth and nail over who got to tell the story from their point of view. Not much of it made sense to Steven. He hadn’t caught nearly enough. 

~~~

There must be a better way to spend Easter Sunday. 

Sure, it was passover soon, but none of you had been focused on that fact with everything else going on. Still, the holiday was quite aggressively broadcasted in your brain. The streets of Madripoor were lit up with late-night celebrations from people taking the day off as a chance to party. If you made it back home anytime soon, there’d be fanfare there, too. 

It didn’t seem right to be celebrating right now. There shouldn’t be a holiday. There shouldn’t be smiling faces as colorful designs on every street and building front. It simply seemed incorrect. You had done something bad. No, actually, you’d done many bad things over the last couple weeks. Perhaps manslaughter takes the cake here, but it wasn’t just that that made the guilt swim in your brain. It wasn’t fair that the world got to celebrate today, when you had nothing to celebrate. You didn’t deserve this holiday.

“Why does he get to think he deserves you?” Marc repeated the question again, delirious. You had seen him sleep deprived many times before, but never quite this completely and utterly tired. It was more than the fact that he was running on a few hours of rest. He was exhausted to his core.

“I don’t know, baby,” You hummed, hurting for him and hating yourself. “Because he does?”

“There’s no way. He can’t. He can’t deserve you.”

“Why can’t he?” You didn’t mean for the words to be accusatory, but his chest lit up and his face blushed deep. The tears were still streaming silently. You were starting to well some of your own. He didn’t say anything, didn’t look at you, and didn’t stop holding his breath. He shut his eyelids delicately and you could see he’d already feared he was saying too much. You pushed on. “Why can’t he deserve me, Marc?”

You pressed yourself into his chest, adamant for an answer. Wincing and weak, his eyes jutted down at you just long enough to make a sharp pain roll through your chest. His face contorted in anticipation of a sob, but he choked it back with everything in him. Marc forced his face to stay flat and stoic and empty. 

“Because I don’t.”

You didn’t have time to reprimand him for that. The sob broke up from his chest and he sputtered around it, sucking in breath and stilling and falling back until he was gone. It wouldn’t take a partner or even a close friend of his to understand the switch that had occurred. You couldn’t help but blame yourself as Marc sunk downward into thin air and Steven Grant took his place.

“He can’t just leave me on that,” you protested.

“He doesn’t want to talk anymore.” Steven countered defeatedly. He scooted himself down just a tiny bit so that he was holding you closer to him. It was, oddly enough, a less intimate touch than Marc had been exhibiting, but he couldn’t seem to be able to hold you tight enough for his liking. The sobbing had stopped the instant he came to the front. Only exhaustion was left now. 

~~~

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry? Are you really? Or are you mad that you got caught?” Steven was seething, fighting back tears and willing the pounding heart in his chest to mellow itself out. He had been through so much--he was so scared and angry and tired and confused. On top of all of that, here you were, having betrayed the trust you worked so tirelessly to build. The trust it took him so long to form and took Marc even longer. 

“I’m really sorry! I messed up…” Your apology rang in his ears, but he couldn’t make out the words. Everything was too hot and too tight and the air was suffocating him. He felt someone else close to the front, but he couldn’t tell who. Focusing was hard for him. “I never want to hurt you.”

“Yeah, well, it’s a bit late for that innit? You hurt us both.” 

That’s what he told himself. You hurt us both. It was always about Marc. Steven was used to the upset, he knew how to handle the rejection and the disappointment and the betrayal. It was Marc, as far as Steven was concerned, that would be broken by this. Marc couldn’t help himself when it came to manipulation. That’s where Steven came in. It was his job to protect Marc, after all. 

Wasn’t it?

“Yeah, I know. I’m really sorry. I am.” The words meant absolutely nothing. He couldn’t let them mean something. He had to stand strong, to know his worth and Marc’s and hold his ground in the face of someone who didn’t. That was what he was there for, right?

He lifted slowly off the couch, wringing his hands in a way he hoped was too subtle for you to see. As Steven got to his feet, he summoned his armor with no clear intention of what he would use it for. He had to get out. His Mr. Knight suit began to appear on his skin as he walked slowly to the front door. He didn’t look back.

“Of course you are.”

The tears began to stream as soon as he closed the door behind him, but he didn’t sob. He just let the hurt and the weight and the defeat wash over him completely. Steven would have even leaned into it, but he couldn’t shake the other weight in his chest--the one signaling that someone else was there. 

“Marc, I told you I could handle myself.” He mumbled aloud. A noise somewhere down the hall alerted his fighting instinct and he shed his mask and gloves as he stepped into the elevator. Sure, he was allowed to cry and maybe have a bit of panic, but the least he could do was keep from revealing himself as a vigilante to his neighbors. 

The pressure didn’t let up in his head. As the doors to the lift shut behind him, Steven grounded himself in the reflection on the wall. “I said go away.”

His reflection just stared at him, worried and frenzied and strong. Definitely not Marc. 

“What the hell do you want?” 

He tried to act like Jake Lockley didn’t scare him. He shouldn’t scare him, but that didn’t stop the shaking of Steven’s hands or the lump in his throat. Jake held his head high, peering down at Steven through the glass and dawning a genuine look of apology. 

“I want to explain myself,” he offered smoothly. Steven scoffed and dropped his head. 

“You’ve never wanted that before,” he quipped back to the mirror. “I already heard your explanation. I couldn’t ignore it if I tried.”

“I was being emotional. I want to talk to you now, just the two of us. Without the yelling and the fighting.”

“Why do you even want to talk to me?” The elevator beeped, settling on the ground floor. “Why does it matter to you what I think? You caused all of this.”

“I didn’t want to cause all of this. Let me explain. I owe this to you.”

~~~

“Are you okay?”

Why was that the first thing out of his mouth? Why was Steven worried about you when it was Marc that needed support from the both of you?

“I’m fine. I’m worried about Marc.” Steven ran his fingers through your hair lazily. It was impersonal, the kind of touch that just made you feel numb instead of warm and safe and loved. You hated that it felt this way. 

“I don’t really believe you, love.” He didn’t say it with a patronizing tone, but you knew what he was feeling anyway. “I think you’re pretty shaken up. You have just killed a man.”

“Yeah, well I don’t want to dwell on that fact.” You rolled your eyes and sunk deeper into his chest. “He wasn’t a very nice man.”

“I’m sorry that it came to this. Maybe I just should have gone with Khonshu yesterday.” 

It was hard to even remember as far as yesterday. When was yesterday? What had you done yesterday, without this weight on your shoulders? Steven’s touch was becoming a little warmer. A little. You felt paralyzed underneath his arms and you almost wanted to shiver. 

“What difference would that have made? I would have come with you just the same as I came after Jake. I think it would have ended the same.”

“Maybe so,” he huffed, “but it could have been different. I can’t really see what all's going on when Jake is at the front. I didn’t even know we were here until Marc took over. Maybe I could have done better. I don’t know, I just feel like Jake’s way of handling things is so…”

“Different?” 

You heard him sigh above you. 

“Yeah, different. He doesn’t really know how to play well with others. What I mean is, he didn’t know how to handle you. He does all this alone—he doesn’t know what to do when he’s not alone.”

“Did he tell you that?” He nodded. When had the two of them ever spoken? You’d been hearing for the past few weeks just how much Jake was sharing and caring, and it dumbfounded you that he was talking to your boys at all. 

“We’ve gotten to know each other quite well recently.” He tugged you tighter against his skin. “I’m still getting used to it.”

“What else have the two of you been talking about?”

~~~

Marc’s inner world was a desolate reminder of how much pain he was still in. It was the same hospital he and Steven had seen in the Duat, not quite as white and vacant, but still just as lonely. He could wander the halls for hours, making himself feel smaller and smaller all the while. 

That’s where he was now, half asleep and mumbling to himself as he tried to find a nice room to hole up inside. The last thing you said to him rang in his ears, as well as his emotional response that he couldn’t make stoic no matter how hard he tried. 

You don’t understand!

You’re right. I don’t. 

He was alone, as far as he knew. Steven was finally stretching his legs after ten days stuck in here somewhere and Jake was no doubt right near the front, eavesdropping. Marc couldn’t contain the anger he was feeling. That son of a bitch. The image of Jake flashed in his mind, a clear picture of all of Marc’s worst qualities. 

Marc dove into the first lit room that he saw. It had large open windows, peering out into nowhere, and a set of couches and chairs that looked a little like his childhood living room. Only…whiter. He didn’t really feel safe in here, but safety was the last thing on his mind. 

He threw his hand toward the wall as hard as he could, punching the brick hard enough to break his hand. It did nothing, of course. The imaginary wall crumbled under his knuckles and re-formed instantly when he withdrew his fist. Mocking him. So, he punched again. And again. He kept going until he felt that he’d let off some steam, or at least until he felt bored of going on anymore. Again, the wall rebuilt itself before his eyes and he collapsed to the ground. 

“Son of a bitch.” He threw his head back against the brick. Crying felt different on the inside. His eyes didn’t sting and his throat didn’t burn, but the tears were drowning him. He couldn’t breathe from the weight in his chest and the heat—not warmth, a seething and burning and crackling fire—that licked against his face brutally. He could feel his self-control slipping away as the anger grew. 

I fucking hate him. Why does he have to be here? Why does he get to be here? If he’s so keen on survival, why does he ruin everything that he touches?

He tried to suck air into his lungs, but the atmosphere was thick and wet and burning. 

We worked so hard for this one good thing. This relationship, and he can’t just leave that alone. And Otter can’t leave that alone? Why can’t he keep his fucking hands to himself? He’s gonna ruin this, too. He already has. 

Marc sat for a long time, choking and spiraling. He didn’t care that the oxygen wouldn’t fill his lungs. The pain was so normal to him now. It wasn’t often that he went without it, even now. It was still his job to protect Steven, right? To protect you. That meant taking the brunt of whatever danger came your way, came their way. It was still entirely his to take. 

The door to the room slowly creeped open. Marc looked up through blurry, tear-filled eyes to see a figure peering down at him. 

“¿Estás bien, compadre?” The voice was small, deep and hesitant. 

Oh, hell no. 

“You get the fuck away from me.” He warned, but Jake only advanced further into the room. Jake held his hands up by his sides as the latch clicked behind him, a gesture intending to show that he meant no harm. Marc stumbled to his feet. “Get out. Now.”

“I came to talk to you—er, talk with you. I want to apologize.”

“There’s no fucking way,” Marc scoffed, backing further into the room to step farther from Jake. “You’re not capable of remorse.”

“Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?” He looked too gentle, too sincere. Marc didn’t trust it one bit. 

“I told you to leave. Last chance, buddy.”

“Marc, I am sorry.” Jake was pleading now. Or, well, he looked like he was pleading. Marc was sure it was an act. A manipulation. “I don’t know what else to do. You won’t listen to me. I’m sorry. Lo siento. I’m not trying to hurt you here.”

“Yeah, of course not,” Marc spat, “just make me a cuck, right?” 

“I don’t intend to do that. I would never jeopardize your relationship with your partner.”

“That’s fucking rich, man. You already have. You don’t think I figured it out by now? I came to with hickeys on my neck and my chest and you think I don’t know? Was that your plan—to come in here and apologize because you think I don’t know you’ve been making out—”

“I didn’t want to hide anything from you!” The rise in Jake’s voice stopped Marc in his tracks. Of course he’d heard him yell before. Hell, he’d just got done with a screaming match that lasted all morning. This was different. It wasn’t a scream, it wasn’t a yell. It was a cry. A desperate cry. “I didn’t tell you because you didn’t listen. You keep pushing me out when I try to talk to you.”

“I don’t want to talk to you.”

“Yeah, well tough. I want to talk to you, amigo. That’s what we’re gonna do, right now. We’re gonna talk.”

Marc thought it over for a while. He stared at his alter, who looked no less desperate as the seconds passed. Jake was taller than him in here, enough to make a difference, and he was darker in every sense of the word. He also looked younger. Marc couldn’t fathom that. 

“If we’re gonna talk, you promise me something first.” He ordered with a deep sigh. 

“Name your price, Marc.”

“You keep your hands off of my Ott. No more hickeys. No more making out. No going behind my back.”

“It’s a deal. Now, let’s talk.”

~~~

Maybe you would remember everything you’d talked about tonight. With Marc, with Steven. Maybe the words would sink in and the animosity might melt away just a little bit faster. 

Or maybe not. 

All you knew now was that you needed sleep. You all needed fucking sleep. So, as much as it pained you, as much as closing your eyes brought bad imagery and made your heart speed up again, you let yourself drift away. With Steven holding you steady in his arms, it was just a safe enough feeling to let go. He let himself go, too. 

Finally, you both drifted to sleep. 

-

-

@rmoonstoner @nervouslaught3r @unavoidabledirewolf @sarcasm-n-insomnia @kbakery @mccn-bcys @gingermous @dennyreadsfanfic @rosequinn121 @avatarofseshat @damreonsgirl @dragons-are-my-favorite @k8esilver @competentpotato @theconsultingdoctor10 @notsochillnerd @rayrlupin @moony-artemis @nerdory10 @valkyrieace @ahookedheroespureheart @mt2sssss @loki-hargreeves @starfirette @celeste412 @avengersinitiative2012 @sifinskies @unspokenmoon @maplemind @dear-odessa @mainstreambitchlife @hot-mess-express1 @toracainz @zarahbronstein @daughterofthequeen @am-3-thyst @romanarose @the-girl-king @stevengrants0wife @kezibear143

Yeah I KNOW this chapter didn't have any plot development. EAT ME. Communication is key.

[doctorofmagic]

Strange #5 Review

I’m basically one month late to the party so my apologies in advance. I’m really struggling with low energy and technical issues (as in, my computer is dying, some keys don’t work [h, g, esc, backspace etc, so you see how it’s discouraging to type]. Also I can’t afford a new one a). But here I am!

Before we begin, it was MANDATORY for me to reread all the previous issues, which also demanded some time. My last two posts made a brief analysis regarding hints that Harvestman was Stephen all along, as well as some parallels. With that being said, I’ll skip to the part where Stephen/Harvestman is explaining what are the Revenants.

We know for sure that the Blasphemy Cartel is summoning these lost souls into deceased heroes/villains due to the symbol/identity they represent. But for what purpose? We still have some mysteries to solve, such as the computers found by Clea, the item that evokes a lost memory to Wong (probably this one will be answered next issue), in addition to who’s Director None. Plus, of course, their goal. They seem new, although quite organized and full of resources.

Next, Clea sees an opportunity to work with Harvestman, unbeknownst to her that he is, in fact, Stephen. I really need to point out that, even without a soul, this dumbass still has little to no regard to himself, which is sad but also entirely in character, as I've been writing for ages about his self-loathing triggered by his guilt. I’m pretty sure that lying to Clea is taking a heavy toll on him. (please, I cannot stand this man anymore. Someone bonk him and put some sense into his empty head!!)

I knooooow Clea will learn the truth soon enough (thank you Marcelo for the treat) but I can’t help but point out that he’s repeating the same three unhealthy coping mechanisms of when he lost Clea by the first time: 1) self-loathing due to guilt, 2) pushing her away and 3) self-isolation. STEPHEN PLEASE!!!

Anyway, moving on. I think that this dialogue is important.

Because yes, Clea is not from this world, and she’s already struggling to play by Stephen’s rules the moment she kills the gangsters. And Wong is also worried about it but they never have a proper chance to talk about this matter. This is what leads me to wonder if Clea needs Stephen as much as Stephen needs her. Because Clea is Stephen’s anchor, she’s the happiness and love he so desperately seeks, and she reassures him in a way that all his negative thoughts are kept in check. They have healthy conversations about their relationship and they tend to grow together. But the opposite is also true, because Clea is not from this world. Stephen is her moral compass, he’s the kindness she never had in the Dark Dimension, he’s passionate about life and magic, he’s love manifest. I’ve never thought about it before but it’s true, isn’t it? They need each other in order to bring the best part of their selves.

Now *slams table* allow me to talk about Moon Knight. For those who don’t know, he’s part of my top 5, so imagine my happiness when Jed put their two babies to team-up. Yup. I’m very very very happy, but I’ll get there.

Also, for those who don’t read Moon Knight (you should!!), the Midnight Mission is now located at the House of Shadows, the same sentient house from Strange Tales #120. The house doesn’t like Stephen and Rintrah because they banished it twice. More on that here. It’s just really cool to see that the house perceives Stephen’s magic in Clea.

Also I really love how Clea and Mr. Knight get along. She does mention Randall, which is quite honest of her. Marc could have refused but he didn’t. They do have a terrible and very complicated relationship, after all. Also he owes Wong a favor. Loving how Stephen’s partners are creating some kind of bond with Marc because yep, I’m all down for it.

Also this woiefwoiiwowiooefj

Taskmaster is scared of Moon Knight. Taskmaster. You get the idea (I love him, can you tell?)

Then Marc explains that gods have some liberties with Death. I always wondered that, to be honest. Because there are many entities who do and undo many things and get a free pass.

ALSO THEY MAKE SUCH A GREAT DUO!! I’m all down for Clea and Marc terrorizing gangsters together at night. Quality time.

(she went full Penance Stare here. Ghost Rider would be proud)

And Clea is indeed very scary but also full of compassion. This is just so sweet of her, and that proves that she makes a wonderful hero.

Worth mentioning that Stephen would just do the same here. He’d probably banish such a terrible man instead of killing him. Not that Clea is against killing, of course. It’s just that she’d rather make him suffer first, which is very Umar of her haha. But I suppose it also makes her own character in this sense.

Lastly, I’m just SO glad Moon Knight was the first hero to actually offer proper advice and help!! I feel like most don’t care, which was kinda true during the events of DODS. I know they didn’t have time to mourn, but what about now? Stephen has always been on his own precisely because magic is just so unique. This is why I praise the magic community so much, even though I miss their presence in v3 as well.

Besides, it warms my heart that Marc speaks of him in such high regard. I need them to meet again asap!! Hopefully it won’t take that long, assuming we’re about to get the great ~reveal~. I miss Stephen very much, especially in other comic books.

And speaking of great reveals, here’s our little meow meow defending Clea and being all sappy and in love with her, even without a soul!!

And here we have it. I’m kinda repeating myself at this point but Stephen is a being of love, and every time canon confirms it for me, it makes me very happy and accomplished. It’s always good to see that my analyses are not biased just because I love the character. An actual writer also interprets him this way and I couldn’t trust Jed more with him. I still fear the future but all I can offer for now is nice compliments.

I can’t wait for the next issue, all the angst and such with Wong and Bats, let’s gooooo!!

[fe-fictions]

Stahl x Robin commission 

It started late one night.

You were already feeling under the weather, but worse still, your babies had started throwing up as soon as dinner was over.

Everybody was under the weather, but the issue was, nobody was sure why.

“Oh gods, oh gods, oh gods-!!” Stahl had Morgan tucked under one arm, Marc slung over his shoulder, and he was trying desperately to help you to the washroom before you also emptied the contents of your stomach.

To say he was concerned was an understatement, but the poor mellow man had now suddenly been tasked with acting as the head nurse.

Somehow, he managed to get the children into their washroom, assigninga bucket to one, a basin to the other, and simultaneously was scrambling to try and get you taken care of too in the midst of all the madness.

It was going very poorly.

“Papa…” Morgan’s pitiful moan was the only signal Stahl had before the sweet child had to throw up again.

Stahl was over in an instant, petting his little boy’s head and pressing a cold, wet cloth to Morgan’s neck.

The baby was trembling from head to toe, but his little sister wasn’t doing much better. Poor Marc was clutching the basin, her face an uncomfortable mixture of pale and green.

“It’s okay, buddy. You’re doing fine. Your body’s doing what it’s supposed to do.”

“I f-f-feel like it’s t-trying to k-kill me…” He said, stumbling over his words between chattering teeth. Stahl kissed the top of his head, giving his son a very gentle hug.

“I know. I’m sorry.” He gives him one more kiss to Morgan before turning his attention to Marc. She was fading, thankfully, looking like her spent energy was officially turning into sleepiness. 

She was only two, so this was just brutal for her. He gently takes her into his arms, making sure to wipe her cheeks and mouth with her cool cloth. 

She’s so light when she holds him…maybe when she’s back to full health he’ll start feeding her more. 

“Do you want to try to sleep, honey?” He asked her softly, brushing his thumb along her pouty cheeks. She nodded tiredly, clinging to his tunic with what little strength she had left.

He smiled softly (albeit rather sadly), taking her quickly to her bedroom. He delicately laid her into her bed, tucking her in and making sure to give her a nice, fresh cloth for her forehead while she slept.

“If your tummy starts to hurt again, you call for Papa, okay?” He crouched beside the bed, brushing her hair back. 

“Yes, Papa.” She whispered, earning a flurry of kisses on her temple.

“Good girl…sweet dreams.” He murmured, giving her the best smile he could before he made his way back to his poor wife.

The only disadvantage of being the mother of two small children is that, when everybody was feeling ill, you had to be prioritized last.

It made plenty of sense, seeing as the babies couldn’t take care of themselves. But you’d be lying if you said you didn’t want Stahl to dote on you first (a little bit).

Thankfully the doting came in swiftly, with Stahl knocking on the bedroom door before hurrying to the washroom you were currently holed up in.

Your hand was on your forehead, leaned back against the wall and fighting the nausea threatening to overwhelm you again.

“Hey…how are you feeling?” He asked you cautiously, coming to your side. A tentative hand rested on your back, and you did your best to respond with some semblance of positivity.

“Well, I haven’t thrown up in a little while,” Your voice cracked, but you managed to paste a smile on, “So I think the worst is over.”

“I’m really glad to hear that.” He sighed, though the relief in his voice was sharply contrasted with the exhaustion that came with playing nurse.

“I-I think I can keep some food down, finally…how are the kids?”

“They’re still green, and still traumatized,” He said, running his hand up and down your back absentmindedly. “But they’re not throwing up every twenty minutes like they were through the night.”

“Gods, those poor babies.” You frowned,heart twisting at the thought of being powerless to help your little ones in a crisis like this. “I wonder what caused it.”

“I’ve heard there’s a pretty nasty stomach flu going around the city. Children seem to be the source of the plague.”

“Could it be due to the nursery?” You wondered, “They go to the castle daycare every day….I’m sure some other child must’ve exposed it to them. But why did I get sick?”

“Well, I grew up in Ylisstol, so I’ve had more than my fair share of stomach bugs. I’m guessing you don’t have the immunity for it since you weren’t raised around here.” 

“That makes sense…” You trailed off, shutting your eyes when another wave of nausea hit. Stahl tensed beside you, ready to spring into action.

“Are you okay?”

“...I’m…fine.” You managed, grip slackening as you leaned back. Stahl directed you into his side, wrapping his arm around you.

“At least you’re in better shape than last night. The kids are more or less the same, but I think the worst of it is over. Though I’m not a doctor, so I can’t say for sure.”

“Did you alert the clerics?”

“Uhhh, no-” He scrambled up suddenly, “I should do that!”

“W-wait, don’t run off yet.” You laughed weakly, “It’s still early, and we’re not dying. We can let them know what happened in a little while. Let’s just wait and see i-if we can stabilize a bit, first.”

“Are you sure?” He fretted, “I’ve never done this before, and I’d hate to make things worse for you all by not getting help! I barely know what I’m doing anyways!”

“There’s not much to it, dear.” You smiled, “Keeping us clean and comforted is a big step. Making something light and easy on the stomach would be next…porridge, or rice…”

“Oh gods, that’s right! Breakfast!” He slapped a hand to his forehead, “I knew I forgot something! You all must be starving.” 

He looked so guilty, it was like he’d kicked a puppy. You waved a dismissive hand.

“If we’re still nauseous and vomiting, it’s best not to try anything.” You said, “But if things have calmed down by the time you’ve finished preparing it, then it’ll be worth attempting.”

“Are you sure?” Stahl hesitated again, looking positively flabbergasted and at the end of his rope. It was hard enough handling one sick person, but with two of them being his babies and the other his wife, he was teetering on the brink even after hours of care.

You held out your hand for him to take, drawing him back to your side. 

“We’ll be okay.” You promised, “Try to settle down a little bit.”

He nodded and comes back down beside you, though he’s still pinching the bridge of his nose. You  look at him sadly, knowing he’s beating himself up.

“I just hate that I can’t do more for you all. I’m your husband, and I’m their papa, but I just feel so powerless, you know? Like I should be able to take care of you guys when the hells break loose!”

“You do a fine job of that,” You lean against his shoulder while shutting your eyes, “It’s just the first time you’ve had to do it. Nobody does it perfectly on their first try.”

“But what if it ends up affecting you or the children? What if they get worse because I couldn’t take care of them as good as you? O-or what if I leave you here for too long and you’re stuck dealing with this mess all alone?”

You pat his arm, “The storm’s already passed for the most part, my love. I think…you just need to relax. If we weren’t doing well, we’d tell you. If it was because you weren’t helping, I would definitely tell you.”

“...Really?” He looks down at you, eyes full of anxiety. He was such a sweet man, if only a little bit too worried about the small things.

You bump his chin with your forehead. “Really.”

“Aw…” He blushes, “If you’re sure you’re doing okay, then I’ll try to worry a little less. Let me go check on the kids, and then I’ll start making breakfast.”

“Take your time.” You hum softly when he kisses the top of your head, giving you one last quick squeeze before leaving you to your own devices.

Mercifully, the worst of it was over. The children could keep their breakfast down, even if their appetites were lacking. 

It was a day all three of you spent in bed, with your sweet Stahl hurrying between your rooms to make sure everyone was comfortable, nobody had thrown up again, and temperatures were normal and safe.

It was certainly quite hard being a lone father and husband versus a whole family of Ylissean Flu-havers…but despite his struggle, it was a battle he had somehow managed to conquer.

He made sure to reward himself with a hefty bowl of beef stew for dinner (your treat), and a nice, long 10 hour nap afterwards.

[treasureswordsgirl55]

Nightmares

Character: James Bucky Barnes

Pairing: James Bucky Barnes / SecretaryFem!Reader (OC)

Warnings: Mentions of Fear. Nightmares. Relationship things. Cuddle. Hugs. Light mentions of sex (nothing so bad). Post! TFATWS. New Avengers. Mentions of member of the team. Insecurities. Fluff. So fluff. Bucky being cute and adorable (This is a full warning!!)

Author's Note: Hello! Hello! Hello! How are you doing? I'm so happy to bring you a new fic with my beloved movie husband Bucky.

I write this in a couple of hours. So...I hope you like it so so much!!! I'll wait for your replies.

Thanks for all of them, it means so so much. XOXO ❤️

---.---.---.---.---.---.---.---

Half asleep I grope the space next to me, trying to reach Bucky but can't find him. I just feel cold. I open my eyes and barely take the cell phone, the black screen yells at me "Sorry, you forgot to charge me"

I barely get up as I hug myself and feel the warm fabric protect me from the morning chill. I hear a complaint when I walk into the living room and see that Bucky is on the floor, exercising like he needs it.

He drops himself on the ground and closes his eyes, as if something is bothering him. I knock slowly on the threshold of the door and he barely sees me, surely headlong, and he gives me a smile, the kind that does not reach his eyes.

- When will the day be that I do not find you exercising? It's early James, come to bed.

I indicate the room while I look at the clock on the window: it is 06:30 in the morning.

- I needed it, doll.

His tone tells me that he was on one of those days where he needed to discharge energy. I knew what he was referring to.

- Nightmares again?

- Yes - his monotonous reply makes me sigh when I realize what nightmare he is referring to.

- That nightmare, right?

He does not confirm it to me but he does not deny it either. I lean against the doorway as I feel the cold air hit my knees. Even being summer, the mornings used to be very cold. ÑAnd without pants, it was so much worse.

- I'm here, can't you see me?

He closes his eyes again and rests his arm on his forehead. I can tell how tense he is based on his position, plus the muscles in his arm seem to be made of titanium, as if his were his other arm.

- The fear of losing you can with me. I still can't handle it.

I sigh as I see how weak a man can become when his mind is on the mend. And that's my man like that Taylor Swift's song say.

- You will not do it. You have me here - he looks at me, removing his arm from his face, but making no move to get up- If you don't get a little closer I can't prove my point, Barnes.

He lets out a laugh as he gets up and gets close enough for me to take his hands and place them both on either side of my waist. - Here I am, Bucky. I'm here for you for whatever you want, but you're not going to get rid of me so easily. And they won't take me away from you so easily either, baby.

He laughs again as he wraps his arms around me and hugs me like he's going to say goodbye. I didn't usually like those emotions because they reflected his suffering, but he dealt with them tooth and nail. Nightmares despite being rare, each time they occurred, they made him even more sensitive but they were not as difficult to deal with as before.

- What if something happens to you when I'm not here?

- It won't happen - I look at him frowning, trying to look annoyed, which I can't since I see he's trying not to laugh, even though his eyes are still sad - I know I have Spector breathing down my neck every time you leave - Look away for a second and I hit him on the arm - Did you think I didn't notice? Marc may be very good at what he does, but dissimulation is not usually his strong suit.

He shakes his head as he leaves a soft kiss against my hair.

- All your enemies are gone, Bucky. Only you and the world remain in front of you. It's time for you to show them what you're made of.

- You're my World.

I hide my head against his chest as I feel the color begin to invade my face. He could be romantic at the wrong times, like now - I despair at the very idea of ​​losing you. I can not control it.

- Do not let the fear of something that did not happen or will happen, because you are a kind of demon when it comes to me, and that is something that pleases me a lot - I turn away and take his face with both hands at the same time that he turns to leave a kiss on the back of one of them - Try to distract yourself, focus on the now and that here I am cold.

He laughs out loud as I feel his body relax in my hands. I was always to deny my sense of humor, but since I discovered that it was a form of distraction for Bucky when he had nightmares, I made the passes with it and used it as my secret weapon against his fears.

- Look at you, I'm at a disadvantage. I only wear a shirt and you wear pants and a shirt. That's not fair.

- Is that your way of telling me what you want me to take off some clothes?

I laugh as I pull away and take his hand, pulling him into the room.

- No, Candyman. I want you to get your ass in there and get into bed with me.

- Your wishes are orders to me, doll.

He laughs again as I feel the sound of his identification badges hitting each other and against my chest, and I see his eyes go down to the chain that can be seen under one of his shirts that I am wearing.

- I like to see you alone with them. It's a way of telling the world that you are mine.

This man is going to kill me with words like this...

- Me too, but you won't see them again if you don't go in there, Barnes.

He looks at the window for a few seconds and lets out a sigh as he lets me guide him to the room - I appreciate the day I met you, doll.

- You should thank Spector. If it weren't for me agreeing to be his temporary secretary, we wouldn't be here.

- Sometimes I think you like Marc more than I would like.

- I like him. And let's leave it there.

I can't say the same when he becomes Moon Knight. He has given me more of a scare that I prefer not to remember.

I smile when I notice that Bucky is getting upset and that also works to distract him from his bad nights.

I walk around the bed and feel his hand try to grab the shirt, but I dodge as soon as I notice his movement.

- No. No.. Go to bed, James - I point it out as he gives me one of his best pouts and I shake my head so he crawls into bed like an obedient child.

- You look amazing in it, but I want to take it off...

- James, I'm cold. You hug me?

I see his eyes melt at my words and as soon as I get under the covers, he surrounds me with his arms, while I feel that his body transmits heat to mine.

- Thanks for being here, doll.

I move enough for his lips to press against mine and I settle against his chest to try to get at least the rest of sleep before the damn clock wakes us up at eight.

- Whenever you need me, you have me, Barnes.

[futurebicon]

Dusk Till Dawn

I was gonna post this later but I physically can not wait any longer.

Apologize in advance

CW- death, panic attack, screaming, crying, fighting, accidental slight domestic abuse, self-harm, depression, anxiety, mention of child abuse, food, suicide attempt, hospital, dissociation, grief, hurt, blood, overdose, surgery

Remus didn’t know what to do or how to help.

All he could do was hold Sirius as he kicked and screamed and cried and punched and gasped for air.

“I’m so sorry,” Remus whispered even though he knew his husband wasn’t processing what he was saying. “I’m so sorry.” Tears streamed down his face.

Remus didn’t know how much time had passed since they got the call.

Heart attack.

Overworked with physical activity.

Celeste had called them crying.

It was at least an hour later when Sirius collapsed against him, exhausted from the meltdown.

“It’s gonna be okay.” Remus kissed the top of his head.

“I can’t, Re. Please,” Sirius gasped out quietly. “I can’t.”

“Shh, I know. It’s gonna be okay.” Remus held him tighter.

“I don’t want. I don’t want to.” He sobbed.

Remus had nothing else to say until his phone rang.

“Hey, Logan.” He asked the call.

“Did Celeste tell you?” Logan’s voice was a broken sob.

“Yeah,”

“Okay, uh, is Sirius okay?” He asked.

“Not at all. Are you?”

“No.” He sobbed. “No.”

“Logan I’m so, so fucking sorry.”

Dumo had been a father to everyone on the team but it was different with Sirius and Logan. They had lived with him for years, had breakfast with him in the morning and dinner with him at night, watched TV together, talked to him about what was going on in their lives. He was truly their father.

Even more so for Sirius.

Sirius never understood what a father was supposed to be like until he met Dumo.

He knew they weren’t supposed to hit their kids but he didn’t know that they were supposed to love them.

Dumo was the first person to truly, truly care about him.

Yes, Regulus loved him and cared for him but that was different.

Sirius didn’t know what love was so he ran away from it. Not joining in on dinners, staying in his room, not speaking unless spoken to.

But Dumo never let him get too far. He didn’t push Sirius to join them or talk with him but he didn’t let him think he was alone.

Slowly Sirius stopped trying to escape it and instead started to welcome it.

It still took a while for him to truly open up, but Dumo was always there.

Dumo was always there.

He didn’t leave when Sirius would flinch away from his touch or fast movements or loud sounds.

He didn’t leave when he walked into Sirius’s room while the teenager was having a full-blown panic attack that left him paralyzed.

He didn’t leave when Sirius gave him a black eye because he was trying to wake him up from a nightmare.

He didn’t leave when he saw the bandages.

He never left.

Even when Sirius moved out he was still there.

Remus didn’t know who Sirius would call or what he would do without Dumo.

“Arthur’s gonna call us all in tomorrow and tell the rest of the team.” Logan pulled him back to reality.

“They don’t know?” “No, uh, Celeste only told me, you, and Arthur.”

“I’ll see how Sirius is but I doubt we’re going to be able to go” Remus looked down at Sirius, who had fallen asleep after exhausting himself.

“Yeah neither of us have to go. I still don’t know if I’m going to.”

“Let me know if you are.”

“I will,” Logan told him. “Alright, um, tell Sirius I’m here if he needs me.”

“I’ll tell him, but know that we’re here for you too.”

“I know.” Logan let out another sob he had been holding in and hung up quickly.

+++

Sirius and Remus stopped when they walked into the conference room.

“Hi,” Celeste sadly smiled at them, obviously exhausted.

“I did-didn’t know you were coming.” Remus stammered.

“I can’t stay long. I just had to come by and help write the statement to give to the league.” Celeste met Sirius’s eyes as she explained.

Sirius quickly looked down at the ground.

“Hey, Sirius.” She said softly.

“I can’t.” He looked up with tears streaming down his face. “Celeste I don’t know- I can’t.”

Celeste wrapped him in her arms as he fell into her sobbing.

“He loved you so much, Sirius. He was so, so proud of you.” Celeste told him as everyone left the room to give them time alone.

“I don’t know what to do.” He pulled away.

“Come talk,” she led him over to the table.

“I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to deal with me. You should be with your kids.” Sirius wiped his eyes but the tears were still falling.

“You’re my son just like Marc and Louis are. Now talk to me.”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel.” He admitted.

“What do you feel?”

“I don’t know. I can’t explain it. It’s like I can feel all the emotions but I’m also numb to them but not fully numb because they still hurt.” He sobbed. “Celeste it hurt. It hurts so fucking bad. It hurts.”

“I know it does sweetheart. I know.” She hugged him again.

“I don’t think I can do this.” He shook his head. “I can’t handle this feeling. I need it to stop.”

“Hey, none of that.” She cupped his cheek. “Adele and Katie and Marc and Louis already lost their father, they don’t want to lose their brother too.”

“I don’t want them to but I can’t take this.”

“You can Sirius. You’re strong. It’s going to get better. I know we’re all gonna miss him more than anything. But it will stop hurting so much.”

Sirius could only cling to her and sob.

++++

“Hi, baby.” Remus hugged Sirius as he walked out of the room with Celeste.

Sirius curled into his chest.

“I’m gonna head out,” Celeste told them with a sad smile. “The kids are with their grandparents and the team’s already here.”

They said their goodbyes and walked into the main lounge where half the team was already gathered.

“You okay?” James asked Sirius who could only shake his head and collapsed onto the couch, letting Remus pull him onto his lap.

The previously happy energy in the room dulled as they waited for the rest of the team to trickle in. The energy rose slightly as they cracked jokes to lighten the mood.

“Alright now that you’re all here-”

“Dumo’s not.” Nado pointed out.

“I know,” Arthur said sadly.

“Hey if he gets to skip why couldn’t we?” Kasey protested.

“Make him do extra laps tomorrow,” Thomas told Arthur.

All of their remarks stopped as they looked over at Sirius as he sobbed into Remus’s chest. Logan had his arms crossed on his knees and head buried in his arms his body shook as Leo and Finn rubbed his back.

“Coach why’s Dumo late?” James looked at Arthur. The coach had tears streaming down his face.

“Why is Dumo late?” Kasey asked through clenched teeth.

“Celeste called last night.” He started to explain. “He had a heart attack.”

“No” Thomas shook his head.

“Oh god,” Lily threw her hand over her mouth.

“They tried to bring him-”

“Stop.” James shook his head in shock.

“I’m so sorry.” his voice broke.

The room filled with silent sobs.

“The league’s going to release a statement tonight,” Arthur told them before falling silent, letting them all process the news in silence.

“Celeste wants us to clean out his locker.” He said a few minutes later. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to, she just wants to get everything out of it so she can keep some things. She said you can have anything you want from it.”

The team stood up numbly and walked into the locker room.

“You sure?” Remus asked Sirius as he climbed off his lap. Sirius nodded and grabbed onto his hand.

It was only silent whispers and cries as the team pulled things from his locker and stall.

“Stop,” Remus’s loud voice cut through the silence. “Sirius stop.”

They watched as Sirius punched Remus’s arms that were wrapped tight around his waist to hold him back.

“Let me go.” Sirius snarled, getting lifted off the ground when he tried to kick Remus’s legs. “Let me go.”

“I’m not gonna let you go until you calm down.” Remus held him tight.

Sirius didn’t stop.

The team watched their captain in shock and overwhelming sadness.

“Sirius, you have to stop. You’re going to make yourself sick, baby.” Remus tried to calm him.

Then Sirius is screaming.

Just screams.

And screams and screams.

They’re terrifying sounds. Torturously filled with panic and grief and sadness and desperation and anger and pleas.

He screams until his voice wears out and he can’t fight anymore. He turns around in Remus’s arms and screams with what little voice he has left.

Remus was shaking with sobs as he held his broken husband. Wishing he could fix everything that broke him.

Remus picked Sirius up as his knees gave out and carried him out of the locker room. Leaving everyone in silence.

++++++

It didn’t truly hit Remus until the league released a statement.

Then it hit hard.

They had breaking news on all the sports channels to explain his death and what it meant for the team.

Once the tweets started he made sure Sirius was still asleep after exhausting himself from breakdowns last night and quietly left the bedroom.

As soon as he stood in front of the sink he started shaking.

Moments later it all hit.

He sank against the wall with silent sobs.

He had lost people before, his grandpa, an uncle, but he wasn’t close with them.

He was close with Dumo.

Hell, he’s the reason he’s married to the love of his life.

His first thought when they got the call was Sirius.

And that’s who he had focused on since the call.

All the effort it took for him to try and be there for his husband, left little time to think about anything else.

But Sirius was asleep and all the tweets he was being tagged in that told him that they were sorry for his loss. Now he could process it.

He cried for Dumo, and Celeste, and Adele, Marc, Louis, Katie, the team, the fans, Logan, Sirius.

He cried for all of them.

He cried until he felt someone sit down beside him and pull him into their chest.

He was going to apologize for waking Sirius but his mind was racing too fast and all he could do was let Sirius hold him and cry.

+++3 Days Later+++

“Sirius?” Remus shot up as he felt the empty bed beside him. “Sirius?”

He ran out of the room calling his husband’s name with no response and, fuck, this wasn’t good.

“Sirius? Sirius.” Remus stopped as he looked into the ice rink in their basement.

Sirius was shooting pucks into the goal. Each shot more forceful and more powerful than the last.

“Baby,” Remus called out, getting his attention. But the black-haired man just shook his head after making eye contact. And went back to hit the black rubber.

“Baby.” He called out again. “Come back to bed. Please love?”

Sirius dropped his stick and stood in the center of the ice panting.

Remus could see the tears now that he was standing still. He was wearing simple grey sweatpants that he had stolen from Remus. But his heart jolted when he saw the hoodie.

It was Dumos lucky hoodie.

As much as the older man said superstitions were stupid, he never played a game without wearing it.

The once bright blue fabric was now a dull blue-grey color.

The red letters barely readable after too many washes.

The small New York Rangers logo was only noticeable if you knew it was there before.

The team always chirped at him for wearing it. “That’s betrayal, Dumo.”

Celeste had given it to Sirius earlier but he had refused to even touch it until now.

Sirius skated over to the side and took off his skates quickly before pushing past his husband.

“Sirius” Remus followed him up the stairs. “Hey, stop.” He grabbed his arm.

“Leave me alone.”

“Sirius calm down.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.” Sirius seethed and hit his hand away.

“Calm down and I won’t have to tell you to.”

“I fucking hate you.” Sirius gritted his teeth and pushed Remus in the chest.

“Don’t push me,” Remus told him firmly.

“I don’t know why I married you.” He pushed him again, with more force as tears streamed down his face.

“Stop pushing me.”

“I hate you.” He pushed him hard, Remus’s back hitting the wall.

“Sirius don’t fucking push me.”

“I HATE YOU.” He screamed and raised his fist.

“Don’t you dare,” Remus grabbed his hand before it could connect with his face before grabbing the other and holding them in a restraint. “You can scream and cry and tell me you hate me or that you don’t love me all you want, I’m not gonna stop you.” He told him firmly. “But I am never going to let you hit me.”

Sirius seemed to snap out of his trance and collapsed into Remus. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to. Please, I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He sobbed and screamed.

“I know. I know you’re sorry. I know you didn’t mean to but no matter how angry you are, you can’t physically hurt me, or someone else, or yourself.” Remus held him.

Sirius could only sob.

“This doesn’t mean you’re your parents, Sirius.” Remus could read his mind. “Your parents hit for no reason. You tried to hit me because you’re angry and scared and devastated and so many other emotions that you don’t know how to handle.”

“That doesn’t make it okay.”

“No, it doesn’t make it okay. But there was still an understandable reason for it, meaning you aren’t your parents.”

“I didn’t- know- I- was- do-doing-ing it,” He gasped. “I don-don-t know-why- I- di-did- i-i-it-t-it.” He was hyperventilating at this point. His knees gave out and dragged both of them to the floor.

“You need to take deep breaths for me, baby. You’re going to pass out if you don’t slow your breathing down.” He kissed his forehead. “Try and match your breathing with mine.” He put Sirius’s hand over his chest.

Sirius choked and gasped for a few minutes before sobbing. “I-I can’t.”

“I know it’s hard but you’ve got to try my love. Breath with me okay.” He inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly. Repeating it until Sirius started to follow his rhythm.

“Good job baby.” He kissed his forehead again as his breathing slowed.

“I don’t know why I did it.” He hiccuped slightly.

“Baby you grew up in a world where abuse was a sign of emotion. If your parents were angry they hit. If they were disappointed they hit. If they were hurt they hit. You learned that if you’re hurting you make others hurt. Not verbally like some people do but physically. That’s what you had always known and accepted. And yes you aren’t controlled by their tactics anymore but your mind still remembers those lessons that you didn’t even know you learned.” Remus rubbed his back and rocked him slightly as he explained.

“Right now you are hurting more than you ever have before. And you are devastated and panicked and angry. And those are all normal and perfectly okay to feel. But your mind doesn’t know what to do with this level of emotions so it goes through everything that has happened when you felt these emotions until it thinks it’s found a way to get rid of them. In your mind anger had always and only meant pain and hurt. It’s not your fault baby. It’s not. But we’re gonna have to figure out a way to stop your mind from thinking that.”

“I’m still sorry.”

“I know you are. And just because it’s not your fault and that it’s not really you that’s doing it, does not mean I’m going to allow you to hurt yourself or someone else.”

“I’m so sorry.” Sirius sobbed again.

++++++++ 2 months later ++++++++

“And with 5 minutes left of practice, they come calling.” Arthur pulled out his ringing phone. “Hey, Loops.” He put the man on speaker. “Where are you?”

“The uh, um,” He sounded dazed and disoriented.

“Remus? Are you okay?” Arthur asked.

“Hospital. At the hospital.”

“What? Why?” James asked.

“Sirius, he, he, uh, ki- tried, cut. He tried to ki, ki-” He couldn’t finish the sentence.

“Oh god,” Leo breathed.

“Is he okay?” Logan asked.

“They pu-pumped his stomach.” He trailed off.

“Remus?” Arthur asked after a short stretch of silence.

“Sorry. He’s in surgery, on his, uhm, wrist. Was too deep.”

The team all stood in shock.

“Do you want us to be there?” Arthur asked him.

“Please.” Remus gasped.

“Okay. Yeah, we’ll be there soon. Do you need anything?”

“Clothes. There’s blood. Clothes?”

“Yeah someone will grab you a change of clothes.”

“In bag. Locker. Sirius’s. Clothes.” Remus seemed to be getting more and more disoriented.

“Alright, we’ll bring them,” Arthur told him as Finn dug through Sirius’s bag and pulled out a change of clothes.

“Okay.”

“We’ll be there soon.”

“Okay.” Remus hung up.

“Fuck” James collapsed into his best friend’s stall, sobbing.

+++++++

“Oh, shit” Kasey breathed when they turned the corner into the waiting room.

There was blood on Remus’s clothes.

Sirius’s blood was on Remus’s clothes.

“Hey, Loops.” Finn walked in and handed him the bag of spare clothes to change into.

“Hmm?” Remus blinked. “Oh, thank you.” He took the bag from him and stood up.

“Woah,” Finn caught him as he staggered. “You okay?”

“Fine.” Remus stood up and tripped out of the room on shaky legs.

He took one look in the mirror and ripped off his clothes, chucking them in the garbage. Quickly putting on the clean clothes that smelled like his lover, and started to wash the blood off his arms.

He scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed until he felt the faucet turn off and the soap taken out of his hands.

“It’s off, Fruit Loops,” Thomas told him softly.

“I’m gonna lose him. I’m gonna lose him.” Remus whispered around the sob stuck in his throat.

“No, you’re not. You’re not gonna lose him. We’re not gonna lose him.” Thomas said firmly. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. Sorry.” He ran a hand through his hair.

“No need to apologize.”

“Um, thanks for, you know, coming to check on me.”

“I got your back Loop, we all do.” Thomas threw an arm around Remus, in support and to keep him upright, as they walked back to the waiting room.

“Remus.” Lily was there when they walked back in. “God I’m so sorry.”

Remus let her pull him into a hug and sobbed into her neck.

++++++++

Remus looked up when someone new walked into the waiting room.

“Hey,” He stood up as Celeste hugged him.

“How is he?” She asked when he pulled away, tears streamed down her face.

“I don’t know. Last thing they said was that he was in surgery.”

“What happened?” She asked softly as they sat down.

Remus let out a sob. “It’s my fault.”

“No, it’s not,” Celeste told him along with the rest of the team.

“It is. I knew something was off. I knew something was wrong.” Remus couldn’t hold back his sobs any longer.

“When he woke up he said he was going to get a drink but was going to come back to bed and I fell back asleep for a few minutes and he wasn’t back so I went to the bathroom cause the light was on but the door was locked and he wasn’t answering and I kicked down the door and he was pale and he wasn’t moving and the cuts kept bleeding and they wouldn’t stop. I tried to stop it but I couldn’t. They wouldn’t stop bleeding. There was so much blood and he wasn’t breathing. I couldn’t stop the bleeding.” He was hysterical by the end. Celeste pulled him into her arms and shushed him softly. “He had no pulse. He was dead. He kept dying in the ambulance. He wouldn’t stop dying.”

Celeste squeezed the distraught man until he calmed down.

“Fuck, sorry.” Remus pulled away and wiped his eyes. “I don’t know why I freaked out like that.”

“Remus, your husband is in the hospital. You’re allowed to freak out.” Arthur told him.

Everything stopped as the doctor walked in.

+++++

Remus’s breath hitched as he stood in the doorway of Sirius’s stale hospital room.

His husband looked up at the noise.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius gasped. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“Oh, my love.” Remus rushed over to Sirius and leaned his forehead against the others.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” The distraught man kept repeating as tears fell fast.

“I love you. It’s okay. I love you. It’s okay.” Remus cupped his cheek and cried along with him.

“I’m sorry.” Sirius couldn’t stop repeating.

“Shh, shh. Don’t apologize. Baby, please don’t apologize.” Remus pressed his lips to his husband’s forehead, letting his lips linger on the warm skin.

Sirius’s words slowly and quietly faded out until only sobs left his mouth.

Remus pulled away and sat on the edge of the bed. He took Sirius’s hand lightly and tried as hard as he could to ignore the white bandages wrapped around his wrists.

They sat in silence as Remus rubbed soothing circles on the back of his hand.

“Please say something,” Sirius pleaded.

“I thought I lost you,” Remus whispered.

“I'm sorry,” Sirius’s voice was worn out.

“I thought you died.” He gritted his teeth. “And I didn’t know what I was going to do. I didn’t know if I was going to live while you weren’t.”

“Please, please don’t say that,”

“It’s the truth, Sirius. You don’t want to live without Dumo and I don’t want to live without you,”

Sirius stayed silent.

“I have never felt so purely hopeless than I felt when I was in that bathroom. There was nothing I could do.”

“I’m so sorry I’m putting you through this.”

“Stop apologizing,” Remus begged.

“It was so stupid of me but I didn’t know what else to do.”

“I was two feet away. You promised you would come to me when you felt like this.”

“I didn’t want you to be mad at me.” Sirius wouldn’t meet his eye.

“What?” Remus breathed out. “Baby why would I be ma- have I done anything to make you think I would be mad?”

Sirius shook his head and stared down at his lap.

“Sirius, please. What did I do?”

“Nothing I promise that you didn’t do anything.” Sirius met his eye and looked back down.

“I will never. Ever. Be mad at you about something like this.”

“I’m sorry,” Sirius whispered. “I’m sorry.”

Remus pulled him into his arm, praying that he would never have to let go.

[spookypotato]

Hey! It's the 20th of January! Perfect time for me to finally post my secret santa fic I might have forgotten about right? Absolutely. So here it goes :)

This was and is still for megss (@charginger)

I also wrote her a poem and I thought I would include it :)

Your Secret Santa, it is I,

so okay, I would really lie,

if I were to tell you I would have guessed,

that you would be a bit more impressed.

Anyway this is the big reveal,

the time for my identity to unseal,

Hey, I'm Veronika, I hope you like what I made,

may it help the christmas cheer to not fade!

I had two assistants, I shall not forget,

@ninak803 and @marauderss-hp only because of them it's finally set.

there might be mistakes, at least so I worry,

my english isnt perfect, I am sorry.

Merry Christmas! you wonderful snowflake,

now read to find out what Sirius might bake!

cw: food

Hope's favourite cookies

"Hurry, Remus.", Sirius was running around in the kitchen, trying to find ingredients for their christmas cookies.

"I am, I am, although I dont think this is exacly an important task, right now."

"Remus, mon loup", he stilled for a short moment and placed a kiss on Remus' nose, "This will be my first christmas with your family. It needs to be perfect. They need to like me.", he stated, like it was obvious and began looking over the recipe, mumbling to himself.

"I'm pretty sure, you're like their favourite non-related person in the world-", realizing Sirius wasn't even listening and carefully pouring the exact amount of flour in the bowl they needed, Remus trailed off.

Walking over to his - way to stressed for this occasion - boyfriend and wrapping his arms around Sirius' waist, he told him, looking over his shoulder at the dough he'd made so far, "Baby. Please relax, alright? They already love you and it will be perfect."

When Sirius turned around in his arms Remus could see the doubt and stress on his boyfriend's face as two lines formed on his forehead. Going up to his toes, he kissed them away, like he had wanted to do for years. "Besides", Remus grabbed a bit of the dough and put it into his mouth, "not serving my mom's favourite cookies is definitely not on the bad-boyfriend-list."

Sirius finally looked a bit more relaxed. Then he suddenly narrowed his eyes at Remus, "There isn't actually a list, right?"

"'course there is", Remus answered and watched the fear as it seeped into the face in front of him. "I'm kidding, baby.", he gasped out after he couldnt hold his laughter back any longer, "Don't worry, okay? They love you and nothing will change that. Now put this dough in the fridge, there are more important things to do!"

~

They parked in front of the Dumais' house. Remus looked at the time displayed in Sirius car. "We're late. May be because of your obsessive need to achieve perfection, but at least we're finally done with everything right?", Remus leaned over and gave his boyfriend a kiss on the cheek.

Sirius smiled sheepishly, "Yeah, sorry. I'm just nervous, you know?"

"I promise you, the evening with our familys will be perfect. Now stop worrying, we're late.", with that Remus got out of the car leaving his boyfriend to shake out of his daze and follow.

Their arms piled with presents, they made their way to the front door, Remus using his foot to ring the doorbell, as if it was an everyday task.

The door opened with a "Bonjour!". Sirius could'nt see the other man, but recognized Pascal's voice behind the big present he was holding.

"Hey Dumo. How are you?", he heard Remus say as they walked into the living room, toeing of their shoes to not get the clean floors dirty.

"Good. Finally relaxed now that the presents are all done.", he added the last part as he moved closer to the couple, almost whispering.

It was that moment they all heard loud footsteps on the ceiling. Children running around to the direction of the staircase.

"Shit. Um-", Sirius almost threw the present into Dumos' arms, the gears in his head visibly clicking into place to find a solution for their poor time management, "Okay, Remus! Can you get the rest? I'll distract the kids."

Remus looked amused as he saw Sirius determination to not ruin the children's christmas with the shocking discovery that santa was in fact just their parents.

So he obediently got all the presents from the trunk of Sirius' car and brought them into the basement, so Pascal and Celeste could place them underneath the tree in the night.

Sirius having chased Marc up the stairs, could be heard as he probably tickled him mercilessly, if the shrieks and laughs from both boys were anything to go off of.

As his boyfriends was probably just waiting for some kind of sign from Remus, that he had stored the boxes away, he went up the stairs aswell, just catching Marc running off to his room, having escaped Sirius grasp. Sirius made a move to follow him, but stopped as he saw Remus.

"All set up?", he asked, putting his arms around Remus waist.

"Yes. Stored securely away from curious children's eyes. They probably know about Santa already, you know?", he leaned against his boyfriends chest.

Putting his chin on top of Remus head he replied, "Yeah, I know. I just don't want to risk it. I dont want to ruin their view of christmas."

"What about Santa?", came a small voice from their right. They hadn't noticed Katie's door opening. "Did you hear something from him?"

She looked a bit tired, but somehow also full of excitement for the evening and probably even more for tomorrow morning.

"Non, mon petit chat. But, usually that's a good sign.", he let go of Remus to lean down to her, "It just means that he's busy making and flying out presents. And that nothing went wrong, so let's hope we only hear from him tomorrow morning, eh?"

"Oh. Yeah, then I hope so too.", there was a short pause, but then the seven-year-old's energy came back. "Ooh, Sirius! Can you help me choose a dress for dinner?" She was jumping with excitement and how could anyone say no to that face.

He kissed Remus and smiled at him, before following Katie into her room.

"So, I have a green one, a pink one and a blue one. Which one should I wear?"

Sirius knowing she would look adorable in all of them actually couldn't decide. Her whole evening could depend on this choice. Okay, maybe he was being dramatic, but he wanted to choose a good one. Then he noticed her glancing over to the green one, again and again. So he told her that, he liked that one the best and was rewarded with a wide smile.

Kissing her head with a "See you downstairs in a bit.", he left her room to join the others in the kitchen.

Just as he wanted to enter, the door bell rang.

He went over, hearing Remus and Pascal trail behind him and opened the door.

"Merry Christmas Eve!", Hope said cheerfully and hugged Remus.

"Hi, mum. I missed you."

"You forgot about us, Re'?", he just saw Julian run up to them, from where he had still been at the car, jumping up to his brother.

Remus lifted him with ease, "Wait, who are you again?". At the shocked expression of his brother he cracked up, laughing and getting them both inside.

"Pascal.", he Lyall greeted, "Thank you so much for hosting us all this Christmas."

"We're happy to have you! You're Sirius' family, so you're mine! Now, come inside. It's way too cold out here and dinner is almost done."

They all went into the kitchen. The food smelled amazing, so it was pretty hard not to be drawn to Celeste's current working space. Even though she was clearly a bit stressed, she chipped into the conversation every once in a while.

Sirius looked around from where he was leaning against the counter, standing next to Remus, "So when will Reg be making an appearance? I didn't think he'd go out on Christmas Eve."

"Oh. He's not. He in the basement-"

Dumo was cut of by Sirius, who was now leaving the room with quick steps in the direction of the stairs, shouting, "In the- That little shit. It's Christmas, Reg!"

~

Finally everyone was sitting at the beautifully set table. There were candles and carefully set up evergreen twigs, next to the delicious Christmas feast (it could not be described as a dinner). From were the table was positioned, everyone also had a wonderful view of their Christmas tree. Decorated with red and gold ornaments and an angel on the very top.

As soon as they had all sat down to eat, the stress Sirius had piled onto himself was somehow gone. He held up easy conversations with everyone, even one on one with Lyall. He seemed like he'd known them for years. They talked about hockey and the ride here and Remus really enjoyed watching his boyfriend bond with his family.

Until his mum joined in again, having had a separate conversation with Pascal about their kids.

"You know, I have video of Remus and Julian on christmas, when we bought them each their first hockey equipment."

Remus knew exacly how that had gone so he was determined to not show any reaction and just move on to the next topic. Sirius however had exacly the opposite planned and he never despised his boyfriend more then in that moment.

"Hope. Please. With all that holy to me, I beg you to show me that video someday."

Okay, that could go alright. Someday. Maybe Sirius would have forgotten until someday.

~

Once they were all finished eating and the kids were already starting to go to bed, they thanked Dumo and Celeste again, not only for the beautiful atmosphere, but also for the amazing food that left them all more than full up to the point, they couldn't even eat Celeste's christmas cookies anymore. Of course they got a to-go package full of every flavour that she had made that year.

Afterwards they all left for Sirius' house.

"Please can I drive with you? Pleeeaaase?", Julian begged Remus, standing in front of Sirius' car.

"'course, Jules-", Remus barely finished before his brother said, "Thanks. Alright, shotgun!"

And that's how Remus got to watch his boyfriend and little brother from the backseat, while they were discussing what Jules might get for Christmas.

It was a rather short ride to their house, filled with a long string of "I won't tell you." 's and "Pleeeaaaase." 's, but when they arrived Julian jumped out of the car like it was on fire.

"Easy there. You won't get any gifts from us until mum and dad are here."

~

Now they were all settled onto Sirius' massive couch and Julian was jumping up and down, probably breaking the springs any moment.

"Alright, seeing as Jules is ready to burst from excitement we'll start with our gifts."

Sirius left to get the big red one they had hidden in their bedroom.

Meanwhile, Hope was leaning over and noting smugly, "our gift, huh? You two bought your gifts together?"

Remus looked at her a bit sheepishly. They had been dating for over a year now, it didn't feel wrong to give out gifts together.

His mum saw his worried face and simply said, "No, don't worry. It's sweet."

Just as Remus wanted to reply his boyfriend came back into the room with Julian's gift, placing it on the floor in front of him. It was nearly as tall as Julian himself.

He picked it up and shook it. He could hear something moving inside, but that didn't help him determine what it could be.

Remus tore his eyes away from his brother's excited face, to look at his equally excited boyfriend. He was on the tips of his toes until he broke, "Come on, Jules! I'm dying here. Just rip it open!"

Remus had to laugh at Sirius impatience and enthusiasm, but he also wanted to see his brother's reaction.

"No!", was the first thing they heard and it was Lyall's voice. Apparently he had already seen part of the gift.

Julian ripped the wrapping away completely and tore the box open, revealing a lions hockey stick and a jersey, both with his number and name printed on it.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you! I love them!", running over to his brother and Sirius and hugged them both, almost making them fall over from his force. "My team is going fo freak out!"

"I'm glad you like them."

Sirius visibly relaxed, "Can't be a real Lion, if you don't have the proper gear."

"Well, now I can! Okay, okay. I have something for you, too."

Sirius and Remus sat down and waited for Julian to get Remus' gift from where they had left them in front of the door.

"Here. For when you miss us."

Remus carefully ripped the wrapping paper away to reveal a snow globe. He turned it around a saw landmarks from his home state. It was incredible.

Remus eyes became teary. "I love it. But hopefully you'll never be gone long enough for me to miss. Oh, come here."

Jules came over and hugged him, but then the younger jumped up and ran out the door again.

He came back with another gift. He walked over to Sirius. "For you.", Julian held out he gift.

"Jules! There was no need to-"

"Its nothing, really. It's just something small. You might not like it, but I made it and I wanted to give it to you.", Julian looked a bit embarrassed, now.

Sirius removed the wrapping from the rectangular object to reveal-

"It's a picture of my family.", Julian told him.

Sirius looked at the framed photo. It was after a game. The Lupins had come down to the lockerroom. It was Lyall with his arm around Hope. Julian in front of them, flashing his brightest smile. Remus standing next to them. And to his right Sirius. Holding Remus close, a hand on Julian's shoulder, smiling. Now it was Sirius' time for tears.

"Jules, Julian. This is the sweetest gift I've ever received, thank you." Sirius couldn't really put into words how much this meant to him. To not only be accepted, but welcomed into this new family.

"Oh, come on. I- I need a group hug, please."

They all piled onto Hope like they were on the ice. Sirius being the first, hugged her the tightest, not wanting to let go. He could feel all of Julian pressed to his side and Remus as he kissed his temple. He even felt Lyall's hand from the other side on his shoulder blade, pressing the group together.

Apparently, he really didn't need any cookie bribes, it seemed like he was fine just the way he was.

mon petit chat- my little cat

[purrincess-chat]

Cat’s Not-All-Encompassing Character Ranking

Okay, so I have to admit that I omitted a lot of characters I don't have strong opinions on. Most of them were one-off akumas, so don't get your panties in a twist, your faves are probably still on here (and ranked lower than you think).

As a preface again, these are just my personal opinions. They can't hurt you. You can still like characters more or less than me. And I don't care how you feel about them. This list is for me. And the person that asked for it. So shut up. Go make your own rank list if you’re so butthurt. 

We're going in reverse order this time, starting from the bottom:

84. Gabriel Agreste- I mean, is anyone surprised? I am not private about how I think Gabriel should go to jail. Or fall off a cliff. Or be erased from existence. Rip to those that like him, but I’m different.

83. Thomas Astruc- Honestly, he’s down here on principle. Self-inserts are generally a no-no, and I just laugh every time I see him on screen because he really put himself in this show and said boohoo no one appreciates me XD

82. Bob Roth- I feel like this one should also be obvious. He’s just a dick. Terrible human. I give him 0 stars.

81. Tomoe Tsurugi- We all collectively hate her, right? It’s not just me?

80. Su Han- This mans has small peepee energy. And he bad mouthed Fu, so get FUCKED, my dude.

79. Rolland Dupain- Listen, I get it, he liked Marinette in the end, but I could do without the racism.

78. Nathalie Sancoeur- My opinion of Nathalie took a nosedive after the s2 finale. I just do not care that she is in love with her boss. Don’t care that she’s dying. Just do not have it in me.

77. XY- Justin Bieber ass wannabe.

76. Nora Cesiare- I didn’t care for Nora. I know Thomas loves her, but the overbearing sibling trope is tired.

75. Anarka Couffaine- I underestimated how much I don’t really like her. Like, it’s not full-on hate, but I just do not care for her.

74. Otis Cesaire- Got akumatized because a kid said he could outrun a panther. I’m still not over it, Otis.

73. Andre Bourgeois- No love for the crooked mayor. I hope your wife divorces you. 

72. Alec Cataldi- The real villain of Stormy Weather. Like fr why is he such an asshole?

71. Roger Raincomprix- Is Officer Roger just doing his best? Sometimes. But like sometimes this mans just needs to take a chill pill.

70. M. D'Argencourt- Please get out of the 1600s

69. Ella/Etta- These two are basically the same character, and I am indifferent to both of them.

68. KnightOwl/Barbara- Listen, I would have liked you more if you were less controlling.

67. Majestia- Same as above, but like I guess I like you more

66. Theo- *Mean Girls principal voice* Stay away from underaged girls!

65. Andre the ice cream man- I just want a scoop of chocolate, Andre. Is that too much to ask??

64. Amelie Graham de Vanily- We haven’t seen much of her, but she seems like a snake bitch.

63. M. Kubdel- I mean, if my son wanted to resurrect an ancient mummy and believed in aliens, I’d give the family heirloom to my daughter too.

62. Jalil Kubdel- Lolol, buddy, pal, dude, my guy. Chill.

61. Vincent (Adrien's photographer)- Head empty. Mom’s spaghetti. Idk he’s alright.

60. Manon- I don’t hate Manon. She just gets on my nerves every time she talks.

59. M. Ramier- This mans got akumatized a billion times because he gets emotional about pigeons. I mean, honestly mood.

58. Mme. Mendeleiev- She doesn’t put up with Chloe’s shit, and we respect her for this.

57. Baby August- Someone just give this mans some food. He’s a growing boy.

56. Santa Claus- If I were Santa, I too would list Ladybug as the best kid in the world.

55. Art Teacher- He doesn’t even have a name, but I vibe with him. He seems like he likes to paint scenes of nature with his pet squirrels.

54. Prince Ali- Lil mans just wanted to have a good time. I can respect that.

53. Duusu- Duusu, I get that your Miraculous was broken, but get with the program, girl. You is a hostage.

52. Other Kwamis- Idk, all the ones we haven’t seen as much. I don’t have real opinions on them yet. Just neutral.

51. Sass- He gives me dad vibes.

50. M. Damocles- You go, you funky owl man

49. Jean (Chloe's Butler)- He deserves a raise. What is your name, sir? We may never know.

48. Mireille Caquet- She’s pretty cute. No complaints.

47. Aurore Beaureal- Baby’s first akuma. I love her design. She’s a cutie.

46. Claudie Kante (Max’s mom)- This womans just wanted to go to space and live her dream. We stan a hardworking queen.

45. Hot Dog Dan- I like him more than Andre the ice cream fraud. Sure, my hotdog might turn me purple, but if I ask for chili on it, I bet he’d oblige.

44. Nadja Chamack- I mean, she’s doing her best.

43. Audrey Bourgeois- So, as I said in the episode ranking, I have a love-hate relationship with Audrey. She’s the worst, but that’s why I love her. I love her ironically. Like, yeah she’s atrocious, but I just want to watch her burn the world.

42. Luka Couffaine- Directly in the middle, like he’s always been.

41. Nathaniel Kurtzberg- My opinion of Nath improved after Reverser surprisingly. I ship it.

40. Chris Lahiffe- I like Chris better than Ella/Etta. He’s just a little mans out here living life wanting to grow up. Don’t believe it, Chris. Stay little forever. Being an adult suuuuucks.

39. Fang the Crocodile- The goodest boy.

38. Nooroo- I just want to give him a hug.

37. Mlle. Bustier- She’s doing her best, but I mean, when ya whole class keeps getting turned into supervillains, I’m surprised she’s not an alcoholic.

36. Penny Rolling- I just like her. I think she’s neat.

35. Ondine- Mermaid queen! She’s so sweet, and I love her with Kim. I hope we see more of her in the future.

34. Marc Anciel- Marc is a little cutie bean. Idc if he’s based off one of Thomas’s irl friends. He can stay.

33. Wayzz- He loves Master Fu so much I cry.

32. Felix Graham de Vanily- I know everyone hates canon Felix, but tbh he exudes massive chaotic neutral gremlin energy, and I actually kinda vibe with that. And he pisses with his uncle which is a whole ass mood.

31. Tikki- Tikki is very cute, but bby please work on the preaching. You don’t always know what’s right, babe.

30. Sabrina Raincomprix- Sabrina deserves better. I hope we see good things happen for her.

29. Lila Rossi- Surprised? I actually like Lila. The first fic I ever wrote for this fandom was a Lila redemption. I think she is a good antagonist and foil to Marinette. I absolutely want to see her get dunked on in canon, but that doesn’t mean I hate her.

28. Wayhem- I don’t know why, but Wayhem makes me laugh. I love him XD

27. Uncle Cheng- He’s just a good mans with a birb who wants to make you tasty food. What’s not to like?

26. Trixx- Trixx shot up after GoS. Chaotic bean make Eiffel Tower go bendy

25. Jess- She’s pretty cool. She’s a vibe.

24. Aeon- The cutest bean!!! She saw Adrien and Marinette and said yep. Those two are meant to be together. Jess, we gotta make it happen.

23. Ivan Bruel- Ivan is such a gentle bean. We love him.

22. Mylene Haprele- Smol

21. Fei Wu- I still have not watched the Shanghai special with subs, but I liked her.

20. Gina Dupain- The grandma I aspire to be.

19. Marianne Lenoir- I love her. She is good. She and Fu are so cute. And she seems like she would have kicked le ass back in the day. (and even now)

18. Rose Lavillant- I am so excited for Pigella!! Rose is too cute. We love her. 

17. Gorilla- aka Adrien’s real dad. If the series doesn’t end with Gabriel getting yeeted into the stratosphere and Gorilla adopting Adrien, I don’t want it.

16. Clara Nightingale- She’s in love with Marinette. You can’t change my mind. 16 is also how old I hc her to be, so don’t nobody come for me.

15. Tom Dupain- Most. Supportive. Dad. Soft bean. Just wants to make you fresh bread.

14. Sabine Cheng- Good mom vibes. We love to see her.

13. Juleka Couffaine- Shy goth bean. Just wants to have her picture taken. Definitely a lesbian. We stan.

12. Nino Lahiffe- The goodest boy. He’s just out here doing his best, loving his friends.

11. Chloe Bourgeois- Chloe is another one I have a love-hate relationship with. Her brattiness is funny to me. We had high hopes for her. Honestly, she ranks this high because I like to play with her in fic.

10. Max Kante- He smol and smort. And I adore his friendship with Kim and the fact that he made an AI himself at 14. What a legend.

9. Alya Cesaire- Rip to Alya salters, but I’m different. Outside of Chameleon, Alya is fine. She’s a supportive bff. All yall people that are mad she doesn’t kiss Marinette’s ass all the time need to go out and make real friends. I said what I said.

8. Alix Kubdel- I love Alix. I love how she is always so done with all the lovey-dovey bullshit. She is tiny queen, and Bunnix, while OP af, is still super cool. We love to see her.

7. Kagami Tsurugi- I will fight anyone who shits on Kagami. She has done nothing wrong, you guys are just haters. All she did was exist, and yall said, wow what a toxic bitch?? Disgraceful.

6. Jagged Stone- We are going to ignore the deadbeat dad trope that canon thrust upon him. He is a Marinette stan, and we love that.

5. Kim Le Chien- I really love Kim, you guys. Does that surprise you? Listen, my favorite male character types are sweet beans and himbos. Kim is both of these.

4. Master Fu- If you didn’t pick up on how much I love Fu from the episodes ranking, then idk what to tell you. I want him to be my grandpa. I would trust this mans with my life. He did his best. You paint those pictures, you funky little man. I love you.

3. Plagg- My galaxy trash man. Love him. 10/10 chefs kisses all around.

2. Adrien Agreste- The biggest Marinette stan there is. I just want him to kiss her on the face. And marry her. Idk, I just think that would be neat if he could do that. I just want good things for them.

1. Marinette Dupain-Cheng- Honestly, are you surprised? I have always been and always will be a Marinette stan. If you expected anyone else to be in this spot, then clown suit rentals are off to the left.

[onestowatch]

Lollapalooza 2021: 15 Ones to Catch (Who Aren’t Headlining)

Lollapalooza is officially one week away, and wow does that feel good to say. As one of the first music festivals to welcome us back to festival season after a far too long hibernation, the annual festival, hosted at Grant Park in Chicago, Illinois, is set to bring the musical stylings of Tyler, the Creator, Miley Cyrus, Foo Fighters, Megan Thee Stallion, and plenty more. But, unless you’ve been living under a rock, chances are that you’re already more than familiar with the artists set to headline. So why not figure out who to see while you’re waiting to scream along to Call Me If You Get Lost.

From collectives who are moving beyond the need for genres to music that is just as likely to make you cry as it is laugh, these are 15 ones to catch (who aren’t headlining) at Lollapalooza 2021.

Peach Tree Rascals

When & Where: Sunday, 2 p.m. at Bud Light Seltzer Stage

Peach Tree Rascals’ Lollapalooza set has been a very, very long time coming. The Bay Area–bred collective has been steadily making waves with their genre-bending approach to indie-pop that calls to mind a more idyllic, lovesick BROCKHAMPTON (an act you should most definitely catch as well). And despite emerging a growing fan-favorite in the last couple years, the aforementioned rascals have yet to play a show, ever. With a headline tour that was canceled due to COVID, Lollapalooza will officially be making history as the first-ever Peach Tree Rascals set.

Tate McRae

When & Where: Saturday, 5:15 p.m. at Grubhub Stage

Tate McRae’s rise through the pop stratosphere has felt meteoric. First gaining fame at the young age of 13 for being the first Canadian finalist on So You Think You Can Dance, McRae has certainly come a long way to stand as one of the most promising voices in pop. With a vocal range more than powerful enough to deliver haunting dark pop ballads like “you broke me first” one moment and stand side-by-side with Khalid on the summer bop “working” the next, there are no two ways about it. McRae is a pop star in the making and this is your chance to catch her before her inevitable headliner status.  

Marc Rebillet

When & Where: Saturday, 9:00 p.m. at Grubhub Stage

Part-time meme and full-time artist, Marc Rebillet creates music with an unmatched comedic timing. It’s a comedic genius that has led to him getting a 24-hour ban on Twitch—for taking his shirt off in the middle of a stream, an act which I’m guessing Lollapalooza will be more than forgiving of giving his penchant for performing in a bathrobe. The self-described improvisational artist creates all his songs from scratch, resulting in an experience where no two live shows are quite the same. Come for the comedy, stay for the absolute dancefloor bangers.

Dayglow

When & Where: Thursday, 3:45 p.m. at Lake Shore Stage

Dayglow is sure to bring a smile to your face and put a pep in your step. Apologies if I sounded like my grandparents there, but there’s no denying the sonic sunshine that is Dayglow’s rapturous brand of indie-pop. Paying homage to the dance-inducing melancholy of ‘80s pop duets, it’s difficult not to get swept up in the Austin, Texas–bred artist’s hypnotic vision. It’s the sort of euphoric music that feels almost tailor-made for the return of festival season—drenched in sunny rays and brimming with infectious sincerity.

Giveon

When & Where: Friday, 4:45 p.m. at T-Mobile Stage

Before his breakout moment on Justin Bieber’s “Peaches,” Giveon was already charting his path for R&B domination. With an angelic and haunting baritone, each R&B rumination carries with it a palpable weight—an emotional turmoil that is only elevated by the minimalistic soundscapes which allow the proper space for his transfixing voice to fully shine. For a crash course on Giveon, check out a compilation of his two standout EPs, When It’s All Said and Done… Take Time. Or better yet, experience the magic of Giveon live.

Ashe

When & Where: Thursday, 6:30 p.m. at Grubhub Stage

Ashe creates effortlessly timeless music, blurring the line between the nostalgic songwriting of Fleetwood Mac and a modern-day folk-pop star. The sentiment is best expressed in her critically-acclaimed debut album, Ashlyn, which demonstrates the Los Angeles artist’s peerless songwriting acumen, toeing the line between rapturous euphoria one moment and deeply affecting storytelling the next. If you need a good laugh or cry, do not miss out on Ashe.

Sir Chloe

When & Where: Sunday, 12:45 p.m. at T-Mobile Stage

Fronted by Dana Foote and comprised of Teddy O’mara on guitar, Palmer Foote on drums, and Austin Holmes on bass, Sir Chloe’s music exists in the nebulous void of haunting dark pop and heart-rending alternative garage rock. The New York–based indie rock band originally started as a college project, birthed in the music halls of Bennington College, and now they’re set to take Lollapalooza by storm. With an impressive debut album, 2020’s Party Favors, under their belt, this set feels only the beginning for the bewitching indie outfit. 

jxdn

When & Where: Sunday, 3 p.m. at Bud Light Seltzer Stage

jxdn is the latest artist to make good on pop-punk’s continued resurgence. The first signing to Travis Barker’s DTA Records, the breakout singer-songwriter has found a fan in not only the blink-182 star but in Machine Gun Kelly, who jxdn is set to tour with this fall and makes an appearance on his debut album, Tell Me About Tomorrow. With an acclaimed debut album in the books and some of pop-punk’s biggest stars behind him, jxdn is sure to deliver a Lollapalooza debut for the ages. 

AG Club

When & Where: Friday, 7:45 p.m. at Grubhub Stage

AG Club, an abbreviation of avant-garde club, is a genre-less music collective that shares a lot in common with fellow Lollapalooza must-see act, Peach Tree Rascals, including a collaborative single. But don’t get things twisted, this Bay Area collective has their own vision in store for you. With a brash, in-your-face attitude, AG Club is likely to draw comparisons to the Saturation era of BROCKHAMPTON and glory days of ASAP Mob, but with their introspective, omnivorous approach, they deftly manage to emerge as an act all their own. If you want to go where the party is, don’t miss AG Club.

Tai Verdes

When & Where: Friday, 1:45 p.m. at Bud Light Seltzer Stage

Where would we be without TikTok? I, for one, would be without my preferred form of short-form entertainment and the world be without the infectious pop-R&B stylings of one Tai Verdes. Originally working at Verizon before his breakout single, “Stuck in the Middle,” became a viral hit on TikTok, Verdes is now one of the most promising and rapidly rising acts in music today. And with his debut album, TV, the viral star proved himself no one-hit-wonder, delivering a collection of tracks that span a range of emotions and genres that we cannot wait to experience live.

Dominic Fike

When & Where: Thursday, 7:45 p.m. at Grubhub Stage

Dominic Fike is a musical chameleon. First breaking out with his unassuming radio hit “3 Nights,” to only jump into the absolute vibe that is the Kenny Beats–assisted “Phone Numbers,” and culminate it all with the genre-spanning debut album, What Could Possibly Go Wrong, Fike is an artist whose limitations seem limitless. It’s a notion that plays out in his breathtaking live show, reworking his hits with an insatiable appetite until they’re songs that exist only in that singular moment. Fike’s is set you will not want to miss.

Oliver Tree

When & Where: Thursday, 9 p.m. at Grubhub Stage

Alternative auteur Oliver Tree is nothing if not unpredictable. Flaunting his signature JNCO jeans and an impressive professional razor scooter pedigree, the inimitable artist delivers on an infectious blend of alternative, electronic, hip-hop, and pop that defies any simplistic classification. And with his debut album, Ugly Is Beautiful, now out in the wild after a much-hyped cancellation and subsequent surprise release, Tree has more than his fair share of music to pull from. Plus, given his penchant for going in and out of retirement like he’s trying to break a record only known to him, it’s probably best not to miss this set.   

RMR

When & Where: Sunday, 2:45 p.m. at Tito’s Handmade Vodka Stage

RMR originally made headlines with his breakout single, “RASCAL,” a transfixing country trap ballad that saw the rapper donning a black balaclava and Saint Laurent bulletproof vest while rapping over an interpolation of Rascal Flatts’ “Bless The Broken Road.” Since then, the anonymous rapper has been spotted hitting the town with Sharon Stone and embracing his penchant for melodic trap in the Westside Gunn, Future, Lil Baby, and Young Thung–loaded Drug Dealing Is a Lost Art. Existing at the fusion of trap country and melodic rap, RMR’s Lolla set is one you’re not likely to forget anytime soon.

Chiiild

When & Where: Sunday, 12:00 p.m. at Lake Shore Stage

Nostalgic and novel, Chiiild’s self-described brand of “synthetic soul” is nothing short of intoxicating. Setting its own sauntering pace, Chiiild’s unique take on R&B and soul takes on a cosmic energy, as if floating through a wormhole with nothing but a single cassette deck on hand. It’s a testament to the Canadian band’s all-encompassing approach that draws upon not just R&B and soul but psychedelia, jazz, indie, and pop to craft a sound that is all their own. Take a trip on Sunday, and meet us at Chiiild.

All Time Low

When & Where: Thursday, 6 p.m. at Tito’s Handmade Vodka Stage

Because teenage you wasn’t old enough to convince your parents to let you see All Time Low the first time “Dear Maria, Count Me In” was trending.

[oscars-wifeyyy]

Chapter 13 (The Innocent)

It was back to school and Elizabeth’s last doctor’s appointment for her check up. It was a new year and junior year for her so she hoped that it would be one of the best. She found Monse and Cesar holding hands about to go downstairs so she caught up with them and walked next to them while Ruby, Olivia, and Jamal caught up and walked with them as well.

“It’s a new year,” Jamal said.

“And a new day,” Monse said with a smile.

“Finally, we can get back to normal,” Ruby said.

“Turner!” The football coach called out.

Lunch time came around and the crew was walking to find a seat and Jamal was freaking out, “guys! I have eyes on me,”

“Me too. post-shooting lookie-loos are out in full force,” Elizabeth groaned.

“Elizabeth, Ruby!” a girl called out. Elizabeth pulled down her shirt to show the gunshot wound while the girl took a picture, “thanks,”

“I don’t know how long I can take being Bullet Girl and Bullet Boy,” Elizabeth sat down at a lunch table.

“I just wanna get back to normal,” Ruby sighed.

“Normal?” Jasmine appeared, “Baby, you ain’t ever been normal! You got that special sauce flowing through your veins. And probably all over that juicy nalga,” Jasmine laughed while Elizabeth and Olivia tried to hold in their laugh, “Elizabeth said that I can sit with y’all,”

“Shoot, I forgot dessert,” Ruby tried to leave, but Jasmine wasn’t having any of it.

“Oh, you sit. I got you. Sugar free sweets for my super-sweet treat, coming right up!” Jasmine walked away.

“I’m sorry, but ever since my brush with death, I made a bargain with the big man. Or woman. Let’s just say the universe is gender neutral. But that part of the deal was to work on my karmic energy, be a better person so shit don’t go sideways,” Elizabeth explained.

“Couldn’t you choose to save the rain forest instead?” Monse asked.

“See? I knew this would be an issue,” Ruby said.

“Speaking of commitment, we need to make one. What are we gonna do with the cheddar? We need a plan of action ASAP. First thing after school, all-hands meeting. This kind of gouda can get ripe real quick. I’m not sure we can handle it if people start sniffing around,” Jamal said.

“Cheesy, but I like it,” Ruby said.

“Yes!” Jamal and Ruby fistbumped.

“Sorry, y’all keep me updated. I got a shift over at the restaurant today and I need the money,” Elizabeth shrugged.

The group nodded, “right now, the money as is makes us targets. We need to move quickly to wash the cash so we can use the money and help Cesar survive.” Monse added and Cesar agreed.

“Ok. So where are we meeting?”

“My dad’s coming home this afternoon,” Monse said.

“So we can’t do it at Monse’s and my house is pretty tense post big-debacle, and Cesar never hosts. So, Ruby, it’s you.” Jamal reasoned.

“No. Your mom doesn’t want me around,” Cesar said.

“Oh, my mom’s got a job all week, so we’re good. My house after school,” Ruby said.

Everyone agreed, but Elizabeth, “sorry, y’all. I got work after school, but let me know what you decide,”

After school, everyone went their separate ways and Oscar picked Elizabeth up at the next street, driving to the restaurant. The two talked about nothing in particular, just enjoyed the other’s company until they got to the restaurant.

“Thank, baby,” Elizabeth kissed Oscar’s cheek, “you’re probably going to be busy later so I can take the bus or call an uber,”

“Nah, if I am busy, one of your three Santos can pick you up,” Oscar scoffed, “you trippin’, you ain’t gonna use public transportation,”

Elizabeth rolled her eyes, “whatever, estupido. I gotta go, bye,”

Elizabeth got out of the car and ran inside the restaurant, tying her apron strings behind her back, but the manager of the restaurant, Noah, came up to her, “Elizabeth, I need to talk to you in my office,”

“Ok,” Elizabeth hesitated going, but did it anyway, “what happened, sir?”

“It is to my understanding that you have suffered a gunshot wound,” Noah stated.

“Yes, sir,”

“Interesting. Well, seeing from where you are from, I am going to have to release you from this establishment. I don’t want any of your…” Noah grimaced, “gangs to come in here and destroy the reputation of this restaurant,”

Elizabeth was there, speechless, but a fire erupted in her as she started yelling, “are you frickin’ kidding me?! I am the hardest worker here and I do well from ‘where I’m from’. Now I see you for what you are. A typical white racist asshole who doesn’t give a fuck about anything or anyone else but himself, so no, I am not fired. I quit,” Elizabeth threw her apron at Noah and walked out. She saw Oscar still there so she jumped in his car, “let’s go home,”

“Que? Don’t you have work?” Oscar looked at her confused.

“No! I will explain it. Let’s just go!” Elizabeth seethed so as soon as Oscar started driving, she started talking, “Noah, the manager, fired me today because I got shot and he didn’t want any ‘gangs’ to ruin the reputation. That place doesn’t even have five stars on Yelp so reputation my ass,”

“What?” Oscar looked angry, “he fired you because you from Freeridge then?”

“Basically,” Elizabeth groaned, “Now I don’t have a job since Amazon is only a summer job. I have to find some job now,”

“No, you’re not. I got you,”

“No, Oscar. I am an independent woman that can handle her shit. I don’t need your money. Can we get tacos right now? I want to get some carnitas and carne asada tacos,” Elizabeth pulled her hair from the ponytail, “I can probably apply at the taco joint and at Dwayne’s, maybe,”

Oscar grabbed her hand, “bebe, you don’t need two jobs. Let me help you and ma out,”

“No. I got this. I can do this, I mean I’ve done this before. I can work weekends and after school, all nighters aren’t new to me, anyway. Less time with the squad, but that doesn’t matter,” Elizabeth rambled, “no, no. I got this, yeah,”

Oscar scoffed, but didn’t say anything until they got to Tio’s Taqueria. The two walked in and Marc Jimenez, the owner, walked out and greeted the Santos leader, “Hola, Spooky. What can I get for you today?”

“Let me get dos carnitas tacos y dos carne asada tacos,” Oscar nodded.

“Hello, sir. My name is Elizabeth Hernandes and I was wondering if I could maybe get a job here? I can help with anything at minimum wage,” Elizabeth shuffled her feet.

“Si, Elizabeth. My worker got deported not long ago so when can you start?” Marc asked.

“As soon as possible! I can work after school until closing every other day,” Elizabeth smiled.

“Muy bien. Spooky, it’s gonna be $5,” Marc said to Oscar, but Elizabeth jumped in and shoved a five dollar bill in his hand, “gracias, chica,”

“No. Give it back,” Oscar glared at Elizabeth, “I got you, Eli, so take your money and sit down,” Elizabeth stood her ground and glared right back, “fine. Take her money, I’ll make sure to tell a certain someone that you were planning to get two jobs. She won’t like that very much either,”

“Fine,” Elizabeth took back her five dollars and sat down at a table, “stupid boy thinks he can do all that shit,” a plan formulated in her head as she smirked and put the bill in her back pocket. Oscar sat down with her shortly after with the four tacos, “Thank you, Spooky,”

Oscar looked at her suspiciously, “what are you up to?”

Elizabeth looked up at him innocently, “what are you talking about, lovely?” Oscar scoffed, but still held a smile as he shook his head. Finally the two were done and on their way to Elizabeth’s place since Cesar texted her that he wasn’t gonna be in until night. The two settled in the living room, Elizabeth laying on top of Oscar as they lay across the couch, watching whatever was on until Elizabeth’s plan started in motion. Elizabeth looked up and started kissing Oscar enough to get him distracted and slowly put the five dollars in his front pocket.

They heard keys jingle through the front door so they scrambled to look normal, Elizabeth sat next to Oscar with her legs thrown over his as Oscar just sat with his arm around her. The door opened to reveal Leticia coming in with groceries so the two stood up and quickly helped her put them away, grabbing a couple snacks that she brought too.

“What were you guys doing?” Leticia asked the couple.

“Your daughter tried to distract me so she could shove five dollars in my pocket for the tacos I bought her today. Tell her to take it back,” Oscar held up the bill, “nothing gets passed me, amor,”

“Eli, get your money back right now,” Leticia said, “now, how was work?”

“I quit, but I got another one at the taco joint around the corner,” Elizabeth said.

“Why did you quit? I thought you liked working there,” Leticia questioned.

“Oh, nothing,” Elizabeth said as Oscar scoffed, “don’t lie, Elizabeth. She quit because the manager is racist. Talkin’ about bringing in gangs in the establishment or some shit,”

“Oscar!” Elizabeth yelled, “why did you snitch?!”

“Oh, you want me to snitch? Ok. Ma, Eli is going to get-” Oscar started, but Elizabeth covered his mouth, “Eli is going to bring home some tacos and barbeque once her new one job starts,”

Oscar pushed her hand away, “she’s getting two jobs. One at the taco joint y Dwayne’s Barbecue,”

“Elizabeth Hernandes, is that true?!” Leticia yelled.

Elizabeth began slapping Oscar, but Leticia took off her shoe and started hitting Elizabeth, “are you estupido? You are not supposed to be stuck here! You’re supposed to go to UCLA and get out, to get a better life outside of Freeridge! Don’t you dare get two jobs. I said I got the bills and things also stop hitting mi precioso,”

Elizabeth sat down on the couch, “wow, you love Oscar more than me. Ma, please. I want to help and I can stay up or do it during my electives and other classes because we all know I can ace it without even trying,”

Leticia sat down next to her, Oscar sitting on the armrest, “Mija, I am your mother. I am supposed to provide for you, not you provide for us. I will allow you to have these jobs, but I want you to use what you earned and go on a shopping spree or do something for you,”

“Thank you, mama. You do know I am still going to pay for some of the bills, right?” Elizabeth giggled as she hugged her mother.

“Oscar, talk some sense into this puta,” Leticia unwrapped Elizabeth’s arms from around her, “now, I am going to sleep. Buenas noches,”

“Buenas noches,”

[doomedandstoned]

Doors To No Where Drop Rowdy Grunge-Punk-Desert Spinner ‘Darkness Falls’

~Doomed & Stoned Debuts~

Review by Billy Goate

Before us is the latest record from Santa Cruz heavies DOORS TO NO WHERE, a band new to these pages but which has played alongside many of our favorite West Coast acts, including KooK, Worship, and Year of the Cobra. As May is Mental Health Awareness month, it's good timing to be introduced to 'Darkness Falls' (2021). "This came to me during the pandemic," says frontman Marc Lewis. "I was watching so many folks struggling from all walks of life. Struggle isn’t biased -- it can hit anyone."

The album lyrically was a concept album in a way on the topic of mental health and its impact. I'm truly passionate about this and want it not to be such a taboo thing to talk about or seen as a sign of weakness.

Composed during the pandemic's most clutching moments and recorded with Aaron Cooper of Pylon Productions, the album features longtime collaborators Marc Lewis (guitar, vox), Marc Prefontaine (bass), and Pete Testorff (drums).

"Lie, Lie, Lie," dashes off to a furious Foo Fighters pace as we begin the record, with Pete Testorff's fervor and panache paving the way for Marc Lewis to deliver the three word chorus with all the snarl of a man who just wants to break his rusty chains and run.

"The riff in Lie, Lie, Lie," Marc tells Doomed & Stoned, "was written off something I heard Pete doing one night during sound check. He was playing his whole kit and then doing those snare hits you hear at the beginning of the song."

There's some nice give-and-take between Marc Lewis' guitar and Marc Prefontaine's bass that betwixt the introduction and chorus. I didn't pick it up at first listen, but it definitely grabbed me the next several spins through.

The grungy lyrics match the pissed-off spirit of the music, as the song mourns the loss of a common reference denominator for truth, warning that in its absence there is division, calamity, and ruin. "Together we rise, together we fall." Marc amplifies these powerful moments for us:

This track centers around the idea of false power and how someone could start to believe their own lies and self-hype, while others could fall for it. It can become a toxic relationship or even a cult kind of thing.

It may be hard to remember this far into this surreal "pause" in our world's history, but we too were afraid, alone, and angry for much of the pandemic's wake -- especially in those uncertain early moments when we followed the spread of this strange disease from China to Italy and onto the shores of Seattle and New York.

Darkness Falls by Doors To No Where

The aptly named "Fade" comes next, presenting at a doom's crawl with a sombre arpeggiated motif that summons the spirit of Trouble and Saint Vitus. Or you might hear a twisted, doomed-up variation of Metallica's "Enter The Sandman" in that low-end omen. "Fade was built of the rolling riff and bend," Marc explains. "I wanted it fat and raunchy." Certainly Pale Divine and Dirty Grave come to mind as I seek to match the mood with bands of similar spirit.

Then comes the pained chorus: "Run, run baby," which Marc illuminates in a very personal light:

"Fade" is about a friend of mine who is no longer with us. She was a larger than life personality that was loved by all. She played the personna and role of the happy-go-lucky person. She thought that's why people loved her and why they were friends. She was actually really struggling with mental health and depression though. She would behave in a way that she thought people wanted her to behave, while she was actually suffering. Those around her did not realize her pain or that their influence was making things worse. For years she would self-medicate with drugs and alcohol and that was celebrated by those around her.

I had started to see signs of her pain and tried to reach out. Unfortunately, I was too late. Any time anyone would reach out for help, she would disappear. The chorus line “disappearing one” is a reference to her pushing away and hiding from help. When she passed (sucide) everyone spoke of how special she was and how much they loved her. I was angry and sad. Why didn't more folks try and help her? My perspective was that coddling her addictions and self-medicated escape helped her to the grave.

The lyrics “We all love to see you fade, but don’t you go away” and “We all love to see you soar, but don’t you fade away” are references to the idea that sometimes humans are selfish in their relationships. Meaning that someone may give me the attention and things I need without me being aware of the sacrifices the other person is making.

"Worship The Machine" is another hefty doomer, with some wild guitar noodling contrasted against a rhythm that is quite machine-like as it dances stoically along its predestined chordal path. "Worship The Machine was written to be heavy and groovy," the band notes. "We wanted it to have a certain feel that pushed hard, while still having that chugging along kinda vibe." Closing in on the three-minute mark, Pete turns loose on the drums like a man possessed and the intensity continues when the rest of the band joins in, taking us right across the finish line to a crashing conclusion.

Darkness Falls by Doors To No Where

"I wanna live, but I'm dying" are words I can certainly relate to, not just in 2020, but in 2021, where the lingering impact of such a global (and personal) disruption is still very much a struggle on the daily. Turns out, my intuition was not far from the lyrical intent: "This song is all about the addiction to social media and how it corresponds with one's self esteem, mood, and self-worth. The social media world has become this giant machine and some are literally addicted to it. It creates this tool of status. I think it has truly impacted how people feel about themselves and others."

"Got Mine" is up next and this one is the most punkish track yet. It reminds me a lot of Soundgarden's periodic forays into punk, with songs like "Nazi Driver," "Never Named," and "Kickstand." On this point, Marc is clear: "Got Mine is influenced by the fact that I love old punk rock. I love the energy and the attitude. We wanted it to be loose but with tight stops and control." As to its meaning, we're told:

This song is about a revolution with the main character being selfish and self serving. So the character is done with the revolution or fight once their needs and wants are met. They are not really looking out for the cause or to tackle bigger issues for the good of humanity. They are actually looking for what is best for them. The chorus refers to a cold heart and lack of empathy.

Darkness Falls by Doors To No Where

All you lovers of southern sludge will dig "Policy" with its Goatsnake meets Acid Bath groove and sassy guitar lead. Speaking of Soundgarden, I really dig the Kim Thayilesque breakdown and stinging solo two-minutes in, though some may draw parallels with Crowbar here. These are all, of course, points of reference to try to do the near impossible: put the emotional experience of one listener (e.g. yours truly) into words. In the end, it's up to you to listen and find a favorite of your own. For my money, "Policy" is where it's at. Check out the fantastic dual guitar interplay two-and-a-half minutes in! Down, eat your heart out.

"Policy" is another riff I wrote to play off of a groove I heard Pete do during warm ups. It's got a swing to it but punches hard. Almost a heartbeat if you will. The solo was a direct result of playing the drums.

This track touches on letting toxic people go from your life. At what point do you stop investing in someone's negative energy? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. It is the idea of surrounding yourself with people that want you to be the best version of yourself.

Up next: "Who Died", which summons all of the band's talents. Beginning with bursts of rapid-fire guitar picking set against a zombie-like beat and chorus, the song has something of a swampy feel. "I won't follow you!" Mr. Lewis shouts defiantly. I wasn't sure where the song would progress from there, and almost thought it was concluded at the false stop barely two-and-a-half minutes in. But the song rallies and the band pulls out its full force, with what sounds like the addition of the synth to present a layered effect that amplifies the intensity. I think this could have been developed even further, but sometimes brevity is the most appropriate option for a song.

"Who Died" was written off the chorus and intro. Zeppelin kinda riff. It's all about feel and giving the riffs room to breathe. This track is about the concept of thinking for yourself and not being an easy victim of mental or physical abuse.

The reverberating echoes of organ-sounding keyboards greet as "New Monster" takes its place next. We get our footing pretty quickly with a kind of "We Will Rock You" bass motif, but the song gets stranger and stranger as the seconds tick off. As with the previous track, there is a sudden atmospheric shift accompanied by furious strumming and ending on the swirling guitar theme we started with.

"Here we are, same ol' thing, round and round, 'ever again...I wanna run, I wanna breathe, I wanna live." This is, for me, perhaps the most relatable song on the record, lyrically speaking. This one especially gave off strong Prong vibes with its strong vocal lead, robust drumming, strong bass play, and industrial guitar feel.

"New Monster" was written in isolation and was originally an acoustic song. Even though the tempo is upbeat it's a dark and murky riff. We wanted the end out of the breakdown to hit hard. I imagine it building like a wave in the ocean.

Another track focusing on mental health with the idea of perseverance and to keep fighting, "New Monster" is the idea of not being perfect is actually perfect. We are all just floating on a giant rock in space and going through this thing called life together.

Darkness Falls by Doors To No Where

At last, we reach the record's namesake "Darkness Falls" -- the gem of this eight-pronged crown of thorns. I've always thought it was a great name. Darkness Falls is also the title of a 2003 movie about a malevolent tooth fairy, though I see no compelling reason to connect the film with either the song or record. I may not be too far off the mark, as Marc Lewis explains:

This concept came to me during the pandemic. I was watching so many folks struggling. All walks of life were struggling. Struggle isn’t biased and can hit anyone. “Please, please shine for me” and “Please, please glow again” reflect on how badly I wanted things to be better. For things to be ok. How I wanted those I love to be happy, safe and loved.

As it stands, Doors To No Where does a superior job of fleshing out the notion of "Darkness Falls" than previous contenders in any medium. The song stirs up a smokey, mysterious Near-Eastern ambience. Four minutes in and it's confirmed: there is indeed a synthesizer at play on Darkness Falls but its hypnotic effect in this song is interrupted by a screaming riffstorm and a gut full of churning bass. This song would make a great companion to "What The Hell Have I" by Alice in Chains. It also pairs well with Portland band A//TAR, whose metaphysical music we've also debuted in these pages.

"Darkness Falls" is special for another reason: Bob Balch of Fu Manchu and Big Scenic Nowhere was a guest on the album closer. "Him and I worked together on the track," Marc reflects. "He is a pro's pro and added so much to the vibe of the song. His playing and tone are phenomenal.

The new album Darkness Falls by Doors To No Where releases to the public on Friday, May 21st via Desert Records (pre-order here). This is its world premiere c/o Doomed and Stoned.

Give ear...

Doors To No Where · DARKNESS FALLS

Some Buzz

Featuring Marc Lewis (Guitars/Vocals), Pete Testorff (Drums) and Marc Prefontaine (Bass). Doors To No Where have been making music since 2010. Their sound is heavily influenced by Santa Cruz and the local beauty it offers along with the rich history of music. Doors To No Where have been called a stoner rock band but also touch on elements of punk, doom, metal and even grunge.

Growing up on a skateboard and surfing has played a huge part on the influences of the sounds Doors To No Where like to include.

The band has toured in and been honored to share the stage with bands like, Mondo Generator, Fatso Jetson, Fu Manchu, The Melvins and many more.

Doors To No Where will be releasing 'Darkness Falls' (2021) via Desert Records on May 21st 2021. The fourth studio album features eight tracks and a special guest appearance from Bob Balch (Fu Manchu). Staying true to their roots, 'Darkness Falls' is a combination of desert rock and punk influences. The band tracked and recorded the album in the unusual quarantine times of Covid-19.

Follow The Band

Get Their Music

[thornescratch]

"To be honest I'm like 90% sure Ovi has a kink for getting yelled at by goalies so". Hey, so... I'm intrigued by this tag, PLEASE EXPLAIN

SO GLAD YOU ASKED.

Olie Kolzig: Ovi and I had a great relationship. I said from Day 1, this kid is special. I loved the kid. I loved how involved he wanted to be in the North American culture, learning the language as quickly as he could. There was just this exuberance about him that everybody fell in love with – until he became a star, and then everybody villainized him for it. What I always admired about Ovi was that he just truly loves playing hockey. He’s excited to come to the rink.

Tarik El Bashir: Do you recall the time when Ovechkin may have celebrated a bit too much after scoring a shootout goal on you in practice? You got pretty mad.

Olie Kolzig: Yeah, I yelled, “Why didn’t you do that in the game?” We had competitions in practice. He actually got a kick out of me chasing him around. It was a lot of fun.

***

Braden Holtby: These days, Ovechkin rarely uncorks a one-timer at full speed in practice. At least not with a goalie in the net.“Oh, we’ve had our run-ins in the past,” Holtby said, laughing. “I think  that’s why he doesn’t do that too often anymore. I think he realizes how powerful it is and how dangerous it can be when your own teammate is in there.”

***

Carter Hutton: During the game, he’s definitely a guy that likes to talk to the goalies. I’ve always noticed that. He’s a guy that’s not shy coming around your net letting you know he’s coming to get one. … And obviously he backs it up a lot.

***

SCoC: He was trying to show off and snipe and he kept hitting the veteran goalie right in the face mask. So the goalie pulled him aside and was like  “Sasha, if you hit me in the face one more time, I will smash my stick over your head,” and Ovi was super apologetic, then accidentally hit him in the face again on his next shot. Apparently he had ketchup in his skates for the next few weeks.

***

Carey Price: He’s had my number for a while, so it was nice to get him back once.

***

Tarik El Bashir: Someday Ovechkin is going to tell me what he says to opposing goaltenders after they make nice stops on him. 

***

Henrik Lundqvist: Over the 10 years, he’s adjusted his game. Everybody does, because you change as a person, you change physically and you understand the game better. Especially as a goal scorer, it’s more about placement, being in the right spot, reading the game. That way you save a lot of energy and not skate around and hit everybody all of the time. He still does that, but he doesn’t do it as much. He’s matured a lot…

There are a bunch of players in the league that stand out. I think [Alex] Ovechkin is one of the best goal scorers of all time, not only right now. If you look what he does—if someone was able to do that 20 years ago, I think they would have a lot more goals. It’s very impressive to see someone who plays like him score that many goals. He’s just very determined when it comes to scoring chances and trying to get the puck in the net.

(”All series, baby, all series.”)

***

Marc Andre Fleury: This entire sequence.

In conclusion, pretty sure Ovi gets a boner from pulling goalie pigtails and then running away giggling when they try and whack him, thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

[duker42]

Levi coming home to see that his house has been broken into. He freaks out and sees that Marc and his pregnant s/o is no where. He finds a note saying that they have them captive. "They" being one of Levi's old rival gang. Levi just goes full on ballistic and gathers his old gang to storm the hideout. It was a mess and he finds his s/o and son in a cell unconscious. what really scared him was the bruises on her belly. he rushes them to the hospital and thank god they were okay. angstttt but fluf

This poor family!!!! How much more can they endure!

💜Safety💜

His heart fell to his shoes as he pushed the broken door to his house open. The alarm was not going off, so he knew beyond a doubt that Y/N and Marc must have been home.

Rushing into the house he starts yelling for them. Racing upstairs to find the rooms empty and quiet. When he made it to the kitchen he found the chairs around the island knocked over and a note pinned to the refrigerator.

You know where we are. Come and get them, unless you’ve gone soft.

MPs

Levi crumpled the note in his hand as white hot rage coursed through his veins. Those fucking MP bastards. A rival gang from back in the day, thought they were high and mighty. Always trying to engage in a turf war with the Wings of Freedom, even though they were really too much of pussies to push too far. This however, was an act of war, no matter how long it had been since his gang had gone legit. How much he disassociated himself with he crimes of his past, he wouldn’t hesitate to bloody his hands once again for his pregnant wife and son.

Pulling his cell phone from his pocket, he hit the favorites and presses Erwin’s number. The call is picked up on the first ring and he spits out into the phone. “Gather them all.”

~~~~~

When Levi made it to the warehouse, everyone was gather, waiting for word on what was happening. It was rare Levi ever called a meeting, it had only been once in the last 3 years, when Marc was taken by that shit bag.

Pure rage and animalistic fury poured off the man as he marched to where Erwin was sitting. “Listen up.” He barked. “Those fucking MPs broke into my house and kidnapped Y/N and Marc.”

Choruses of curses were shouted though out the room. Levi held a hand up and the chatter instantly ceased. “We have kept our hands clean for years, but I have every intention of spilling some blood today. I won’t demand that you join me, but anybody willing will have my thanks. I’m getting my family back.”

Immediately every one of them stood up and saluted him with their unique gesture. Left hand behind their back, their right fists curled over their hearts, pledging themselves to Levi’s cause.

“Gear up!”

~~~~~

It didn’t take long to reach the hideout of the MPs. They were lazy, slothful creatures who didn’t even bother trying to hide their location over the years.

While they were arrogant, they had vastly underestimated Levi’s ability to pull the others into his assault on their base of operations. Glass shattered as bodies poured into the dilapidated headquarters of their old rival gang. Sasha took out the sentries, her precision with a bow unparalleled as Connie protected her from above.

Erwin, Hange and Levi burst through the doors together, their blades out and ready. Armin directed the others as Jean, Mikasa and Eren entered through the back door, making sure none escaped.

The clash of steel and the thumps of flesh pounding on flesh rang through the open space as the Wings of Freedom gang relived their gory heyday. Some instincts were just waiting for them to retap into, the ease at which they fell back into their primal state astonishing for the overwhelmed rivals.

Nile Dok, arrogant leader of the MPs, former friend of Erwin until a falling out over a woman, knelt before Levi when the action was over. His eyes flashing at the shorter man towering over him as he waited for his life to be forfeit.

“Where the fuck are they?” Levi growled. He was surprised he hadn’t killed the man already, but he needed to know where they were first.

Nile jerked his head down to where Levi knew they kept a row of cells for their human trafficking. The MPs were disgustingly vile. While the Wings of Freedom may have broken just as many laws as them back in the day, they had never touched the human flesh trade, always finding a way to keep as many as possible out of the clutches of those bastards. Prostitution was fine, as long as it was willing. Slaves had never held any appeal for their profit margins. Now they used all their energy to stop those kinds of trades within their city.

Leaving him to Erwin, Levi bolted down the hall to find Marc and Y/N laying on the dirty cold floor of the cell. Both weren’t moving and Levi’s heart fell to the floor as he saw Y/N shirt was ripped, bruises adorning the slight swell of her expecting belly.

Ripping the cell door open, Levi shouted for someone to come help him as he scooped Y/N into his arms gently and ran for the exit. Hanji gather Marc up and was hot on his heels as they passed by Nile and Erwin.

Levi saw Erwin’s face darken as he turned back to his former friend, but he had no concern about that man’s punishment at the moment. He needed to get Marc and Y/N to the hospital. Make sure that they and the child Y/N was carrying was safe.

Mikasa and Eren met them at the car and hopped into the back seat, each of them cradling the unconscious figures as they were slung around the street corners. Hanji was the in the front seat, calling the hospital and informing them of their eta and the situation.

They arrived at the emergency entrance as the gurneys were brought out and the victims were gently transferred to them and wheel inside. Levi tossed Eren his keys and race in behind them, not wanting to leave them for a moment longer than he had to.

~~~~~

They were both resting peacefully. They had regained consciousness, but the sedatives in their system lulled them back to sleep. Levi had argued with the doctors until Marc and Y/N were put in a shared room together, allowing him to stay with both of them.

The baby was fine and there was no damage to his family other than the bruises they sported. They would heal with time and hopefully the ordeal wouldn’t cause too many lasting psychological issues.

Levi had breathed a sigh of relief when he was told, his body sagging under the released tension he had been carrying as he stared down at he flecks of blood on his hands. The doctor had patted his shoulder and left him to return back to the room and wait for them to wake up again.

He was mildly surprised when the door opened and the entire gang filed silently into the room. Eren and Mikasa were already with him, but watching Connie, Jean, Sasha, Mike, Armin, Hanji and Erwin coming to join him in waiting gave him a warm feeling. These people had risked their freedom for him and his family, even though they had put the criminal past behind them.

Standing, he returned the salute that they have given him hours before, heartfelt with tears pricking his eyes. The safety of his family was paramount to him, but his comrades were also family in his eyes.

**All other stories in this AU are labeled Modern AU: Levi Family**

Mobile MasterList