#go up in smoke the minute they think about trans people

[fluentisonus]

Anatomy is already sex defined bro and gender is a societal outgrowth of biological sex.

saying that there shouldn't be any practical difference between male & female chests (bare or otherwise) and that people should not be treated differently based on their physical attributes or perceived gender is literally like feminism 101. people have been saying this for generations. get it together

[egg-but-with-style]

HEADCANONS WITH THE BOYSSSS!!!!

My last post did pretty well, and if people like it, I figured I might as well try my hand at some more!!!!

Gaz

This guy literally has the best skin in the world, it's like looking at something carved from marble, everytime you ask about his skincare routine, he just says genetics.

He detests anything made with cinnamon, his older sister once made him try a pie she made, and by the time he was done eating it, he was literally coughing up cinnamon. Didn't say anything though, couldn't be mean to his sister like that.

HE CANNOT SIT STILL!! Gaz and soap are literally the most energetic people on base. Except Price finds Gaz charming and soap less so...

Also I for some reason think he smells like oranges and mangos???

(edited after I saw a tiktok about climate change) GAZ IS SUPER VOCAL ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE, all of the boys care to some degree (get it?) but Gaz brings hard facts and evidence everytime he talks about it, Price is now worried for Gaz's mental health

Price

Where to start? Maybe with the fact he has duplicates of his hats he keeps in his office drawer. Ghost went in there one time to give Price a report and saw Price open his Hat Drawer. Ghost had never seen so many hats

If some of y'all didn't know, if you have a low tolerance to cigars and breathe in too much of the smoke, you'll get sick. So, Price keeps a puking trash can just for the people that come into his office. Is he gonna stop smoking to prevent people from losing their lunch? Never.

When he's not on duty he wears the stupid Hawaiian shirts that middle aged dads wear on vacation. Also cargo shorts. Cause they're tactical

Soap

Again, he cannot sit still. He'll wake up in the middle of the night and you'll find him in the armory tinkering with an explosive, and even then he gets up every couple minutes just to pace around

He is very meticulous about his hair. Every morning he wakes up just a little bit earlier then everyone else and hair gels that baby into place. It does not move. It could probably be as effective as a military grade helmet at that point.

THIS MAN DRAWS PORN AND POSTS IT ON TWITTER!!! He uses an alias of course, and a very well hidden drawing tablet when he's on duty. Just ignore the fact that alot of the men he draws look just a tad bit like ghost. Just a little.

Also, while all of the COD men love a woman (or man) with meat on their bones, soap is feral. Chubby chaser all the way. There's also something really hot about a person being around his height and not taking his shit.

Ghost

He has horrible acne under that mask. It's actually awful how much he goes through just to keep it on. He's done skincare, moisturizing, pimple patches, everything, and nothing work. The worst part is, he thinks the mask is so cool it's worth it

This man is an actual dork. (Idea by @ghouljams) this guy definitely makes those little miniatures. The little details he puts into every bit of his work, whether it's wood grain, the look of water, he just does it all with such skill. The plus side is that it keeps his brain at bay, not thinking and more focused on what's in front of him. He also likes DND. Go figure.

I also do like the idea of trans ghost. He understands what it was like before he transitioned and feeling ashamed of his size when he used to be forced into the stereotype of what a woman should look like. So when people fuck with you about your size, he's right behind you like he's gonna kill them.

Authors note: the only thing I'm afraid of as I start writing is 1. The fan fic author curse, and 2. People actually paying attention to me, my anxiety is gonna kill me, lol. Anyway, hope y'all are having a great day!!! Bye!!!

[an-au-blog]

Trans (ftm)Sanji who absolutely refuses to sleep with Zoro for multiple reasons. They've been together for a while but he never let's them go further than making out. (because i need to post angst more than I need air)

CW: some sexual themes!!!, body dysmorphia, easting disorder, internalized transphobia, mentioned pregnancy, emotional breakdown

Sanji's main concerns were that: 1. Zoro wouldn't want to be with him because he "wasn't a proper man", 2. he'd treat him differently or 3. he would end up pregnant. That probably terrified him the most. Everything about it was horrifying to him: the idea of carrying a living thing in his body appalled him. And even if he lived through it, he was also scared with how the child would turn out. What if it turned out like him, or even worse - like his biological brothers or father, not to mention it could be physically unwell with how much he smoked.

One day, in the heat of the moment making out, Sanji gets carried away and forgets himself. It was only when Zoro started grinding against him that he started getting nervous again. The swordsman broke the kiss and pulled away a bit. "Is something wrong? he asked, I have a feeling this isn't doing anything for you..."

Sanji realized he was talking about not feeling his erection, and he feels like a moron for letting it get to there. On autopilot he answered "I'm fine, I'm a bit under the weather is all" while lighting a cigarette. He walked out ignoring whatever Zoro tried to tell him and as soon as he was out of sight he rand to a secluded area. Thought started flooding him.

He'll think I'm not attracted to him, and then he'll break up with me, and he'll hate me, he'll find out what I am and he'll hate me, even worse - he'll think less of me, that I'm weak and tell everyone and they'll leave me, or worse.

He doesn't know when he had fallen on the ground but he was rocking himself with half a pack already gone. His vision was blurry. He wanted to scream to rip his throat open and let all the painful noises bubbling inside it. But everyone would hear... they would hear and would hate him for not being what he's supposed to... So he stood there, hoping he doesn't catch a cold, muffling his sobs best he can, and wondering why he couldn't die on that Godforsaken rock when he had the chance.

But he didn't have the power over that. What he did have the power over was his own wretched body that caused him so much pain and what he did with it.

He decided from that day on, he was going to reduce his meals in half. If he became thinner maybe what little was left of his breasts would vanish and at least he wouldn't have to wear something to suppress them. So he did. He did it as subtly as possible. But maybe didn't do it as well as he thought. He realized they might be onto him when Luffy of all people offered him some of his food. Sanji declined and lied saying he had a big lunch, so he's not hungry now. But then the next day Zoro approached him to call him out on his bullshit. He would end up pushing him away eventually, maybe if he started being meaner and more standoffish from now, it would seem less of a problem when Zoro leaves him.

Still, Sanji didn't know how to deflect the accusations, so he did what he did best and agitated him best he could. It led to a fight that Sanji lost. Not eating was more draining than he thought. They would usually tie or at least have someone interfere but he was out in less that five minutes. He was weak. As punishment, he decided he would stop eating dinner altogether.

He was good with food. He's known food all his life, and it's the only thing that he feels like he could control. So at least that, he could do.

[punch-love]

Could you give us some of your fic recs as well? 🙏🏼

I've been waiting for this ask. * is for all time favorites.

Classics/Required Reading:

Between Apollo and Arachne. / He is Soundless From Afar. / Blood Sickness. by elastic honey (infernoconcealed)

I got into this fandom specifically because of this author. I think all of their work is incredible but, these three are my favorites and also the first bookmarks I ever made. I like the ways they explore their dynamic, and they often explore darker scenarios between the two of them with a lot of heart and nuance.

How To Get Physical by Wilt

I like their writing as much as I like their art, but this one in particular is a consistent re-read for me. It's a trans Peter written by a clearly trans writer, and it's soft and kind and good-hearted in a way that really, really sells the history between them.

Up to the Sun (Full Speed Ahead, Mr. Parker) by SleepsWithCoyotes

The first AU I really enjoyed and also one of the best. Eldritch horror Wade that goes from a massive tentacle creature to an off-putting mercenary that gets attached to Spider-Man. It's great. The whole verse is great.

for the wrong reasons by orphan_account

This is one of my favorite Wade character studies of all time. He gets hit with a truth serum and ends up at Peter's apartment. It's sad and complicated and perfect, and I've read it more than a few times.

gunpowder and firewood / steel and flint * by periodically_puzzled

This is forever one of my favorites. It's the best first-person POV in the fandom hands down and is just so fucking good. It's got everything, idenity porn, grindr, complicated explorations of emotional manipulation, bromance, and it's so very funny.

Snake Oil by BunsofHoney

This was so good that my writing group chat temporarily re-named our chat after it. Peter is a preacher and Wade is a possessed snake oil salesman. It's very good, and also you will learn something about the 20s as it is immensely well researched.

Blazed (Smoking Weed is Gay) * by GreendaleHumanBeing

This is one of my all-time favorites. Peter is coping with his midlife crisis by being a huge stoner, and Wade has mellowed out and joins him for long smoke sessions. It's very slice of life, intimate, slow burn friends to lovers. It's one of those reads that just feels really, really good and relatable.

Paradise (spread out with a butter knife) by Sarah_Sandwich

A soulmate/slice of life work that really will make you feel something profound by the end of it. I read this one at four in the morning and didn't sleep until I was finished with it. It made me feel something big.

Dog Years by androgynousdouche

This is the only unfinished work on this list but man, is it a hidden treasure. They really build a foundation for the relationship and the intimacy between these two is so....it's really good. I wish it was finished, but even though it's not, I still think it's worth the read.

Porn:

Tip of the Tongue * by TimidTurnip

I think this is probably the work I go back and re-read the most. It's got everything. Peter Parker's insane oral fixation, his inability to come to terms with his own bi-sexuality, homies who are mean to each other dynamics, and worship based blow jobs. It's great. You should read it.

i could show you and stop (don't stop) by jilliancares

I think this is probably two of the most infamous smut works in the fandom but they both really, really deserve the hype. The first is the eating out fic of all time specifically for me but also for a lot of other people and the second is my favorite situational porn.

Meeting Minutes */ Pitter Patter by WhoopsOK

These are hands down the best watersports fics in the entire fandom. I've read the entire tag, I would know. The first has Peter being hit by a truth serum and telling his fantasies to Wade who intentionally does not sleep with him, and it's hot and good dynamic wise. The second is just a very hot scenario where Peter pisses in Wade's mouth while he works behind the counter. Great stuff.

a luxury few can afford by three-fingered (calciseptine)

I love the way this author writes them so much. It's fun and fresh and so good at building up some good old-fashioned tension. It also has some great character study moments inbetween blow jobs (my beloved)

Fucked Up Shit:

she's not going to die today / Songs for the Zombie Apocalypse / Need You Like A Gun To The Head * by (zerospoons_onlyknives)oprime

I also consider these classics/required reading but they are all very dark and go places that fans of the classic dynamic might be surprised by. SNGTDT is the best and darkest soulmate AU you'll ever read. SftZA is not only an incredible zombie AU but also one of my personal favorite pieces of zombie fiction period. NYLaGttH is one of my favorite smut fics of all time and one I often re-read (the title should be taken literally)

twisted, baby by jilliancares

The Peter "adrenaline kink" Parker work. It's dubious and intimate and exhilarating in a way that never gets old.

tap out whenever by periodically_puzzled

also known as "the fic that triggers me so bad that I've never commented on it despite reading it eight times" this is like. One of the darkest works in the fandom, hands down and if you can relate at all with the content, will put you in some sort of headspace. It's excellent. It's horrifying.

Because You're Mine *- WaterMe

I absolutely love this one. It's a sex-pollen turned non-con work that is very dark (mind the tags) but if you want to go there, this is the place to go. I always come back to it and find something new to appreciate. Also the only second person work I've ever enjoyed/felt affected by in the way I think second person is supposed to do. (honorary mention by this author: their Arbor day fic)

Sinking by coveryourheads

This one is hard to describe, but if you're interested in some really nuanced work on sexuality, this one will sit with you for a while. Peter and Wade are in an intense D/s relationship that is both abstract and personal in ways I've never really read about before.

[beanghostprincess]

I fucking love it when people draw one piece characters as women. (I love Oda but his gender bending needs a little work.)

Like they would be so cool like it's just a bunch of butches and dykes studs and just overall tough broads on the sea.

Buggy would have blonde hair like he did in one of the movies. Rocking a side shave or under cut , she's definitely wearing something that leaves little to the imagination. It's all for show really under all that makeup and boisterous personality she's still insecure and riddled with self-doubt but she's faking it till she makes it and she made it. Not the way she wanted but you know success is success. She's a warlord

Mihawk is so elegant, She keeps her hair in a bun. She always wears loose white blouses with ruffles in a black corset. Her nails are long dark and sharp, with a lovely burgundy shade. she's never chipped them, never cracked them, and has never broken in them.

I love trans man crocodile but trans woman crocodile makes me go feral. She's tall with broad shoulders and strong arms, She used to hate how she looked but becoming a pirate she started to appreciate her features making her look more powerful and intimidating. She has a slip dress and a long fur coat always smoking a cigar. Her voice is so soothing but so cold at the same time.

Kid is a hefty woman tall and broad, quick to anger and will to fight anyone and everyone. Everyone thinks she wears makeup but she doesn't. She never learned how she kind of wants to, but she's kind of scared at my ruin her image. Her lips are just naturally that red. When she lost her arm she made herself multiple prosthetics one is just a practical one that is just a regular looking arm but silver with floral detailing and then the big scary one that she wears for fighting.

The red hair pirates is just a boat of tough broads looking for adventure and freedom.

Shanks is gorgeous! She used to have long red hair but was cut with a sword, It was a spur of the moment kind of thing she did it when buggy broke up with her. She's tough she's kind, she's strong and she never wears a bra. (None of them do really except for Benn)She's so protective around children. Every time Luffy runs up to her she always picks her up. Luffy doesn't have the scar under her eye because the minute shanks saw her with a knife It was on site.

Yasopp she has a whole collection of guns in her closet she's never happy with just one every island they go to she has to buy a new pistol or musket. She stores them Nice and neatly with her other values like her wedding dress. If Luffy isn't being carried by sharks it's yasopp. She's not as big as the rest of the women on the ship but she can hold their own in a fight her body is covered in battle scars.

Luffy: Where'd you get that one?!

Yasopp: that's from a bullet

Luffy: and that one?!

Yasopp: stab wound

Luffy: and what about this one?

Yasopp: oh....that's from a C-section

You know what, I just- I can't imagine fem Cross Guild in a way that isn't @/vonguilli's artstyle. That's the only fem Cross Guild I need. Especially Buggy, damn. The IT Girl fr. I wanna look like her so damn bad. Icon. The moment. But I must say that Buggy with an undercut, Mihawk with her nails done, and transfem Crocodile make me go insane. My beloveds. I feel things (lesbian thoughts) for them.

I hate when people draw fem Kid all skinny and for the male gaze as if Fem!Kid wasn't literally made for the lesbians only. I want a tall and broad big woman. Big chest. Big attitude. I want her to be able to pick me up with one fucking hand. I absolutely hate some versions I've seen of her. YOU KNOW WHICH GENDERBEND IS SMALL AND PETITE AND SKINNY? LAW. LAW. Law should be skinny and depressed and with greasy hair and her nails and badly treated and she has small boobs and short messy hair and she's so tired of living. Dressing with tops and big pants and not caring about a bra. She has eyebags and she's just so lazy to live properly. I love canon fem!Law because I'm a weak lesbian but my perception of fem!Law is not the way some people draw her. I know you were talking about Kid I apologize I am a very annoying Law fan.

Shanks,,,, Mother is mothering. The girl cutting her hair after a break-up. Lesbian behavior. Dramatic milf. I feel so many things for this woman. And Yasopp???? Girl I am down bad please. Guns are not my thing. Women?? Pirates?? With guns?? Yeah, no, that's so- Damn.

I could talk for hours about my fav genderbend designs in my head fr. My favs (in my own lil head) are Buggy, Law, Usopp, Doffy and Sabo. Like- Women. Girls. You know? haha-

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for obviously covering my nose and mouth around smokers at work? (Tw for a very brief mention of sexual assault and mentions of bigotry)

To preface I'm fully aware that WHAT I'm trying to do is justified, I just don't know if the HOW is a problem.

Some context about my working conditions: I work in an outdoors location. I sit at a table at the front gate and check bags and permit entry. Where I sit is a fairly small open area at the base of a large set of stairs before the place people are actually coming to see. Smoking, drinking, etc is allowed everywhere on premise including the small area I sit at for eight hours a night. 90% of the patients drink (not the point of the post but to display how lax the type of event I work at is), and 50% of the adults MINIMUM smoke. The ticket booth is right beside my booth and people will stand there for up to 5 minutes on a not too busy night smoking as they wait. The customer base is nearly entirely white and almost 100% Republican. They wear MAGA hats, fly confederate flags, wear blue lives matter shirts, and try to yell at me about chemtrails if I don't shoo them away from me. I've been sexually assaulted, harassed for being Russian(?????????), called anti-trans slurs, have had weapons pulled on me, etc. And as I've said....... pretty much all the patrons are drunk. So I CAN NOT wear a mask for my own immediate safety. This is also not an every day issue as I work for an event specifically that only takes place once or twice a month

Now as to why smoking is an issue: I'm allergic to cigarette smoke. I don't remember exactly what part causes the reaction but I very quickly have a reaction to it. I assume it's something most every non smoker goes through experiencing second hand smoke: nausea, vomiting, dizziness, fainting, etc. It just happens to me VERY quickly. Now, if they don't have bags for me to check and just breeze on by after getting their tickets, I hold my breath for a quick minute until the air at least doesn't actively feel gross to breathe in. Minute is an exaggeration, because of a disability I have I can't hold my breath for more than 20 seconds. When people with bags for me to check come to my table and are smoking, I try to severely limit my breathing until it's done because I'm directly dealing with the customers and have to breathe. Where my methods might be asshole-ish come into play with the people who choose to stand around and smoke instead of leaving the area

I use my shirt/jacket to cover my mouth and nose. When it's cold I try to at least make it look like a keeping myself warm thing. It's not perfect, it's not like I'm suddenly immune to second hand smoke, but if they're only around for five minutes or so it does WONDERS keeping me from getting sick. I used to try harder not to be obvious about it, but going home throwing up and sneezing out tar for days after I work so many times has made me a bit more "idgaf if they're offended by it" sometimes. The thing is, I don't WANT to be rude about it though. My goal here isn't to cause a problem, which is the biggest concern with the customer base, but to just keep myself safe. When I try to just suck it up and take no measures to reduce the amount of smoke I'm directly inhaling, I've gotten so violently ill I've been unable to actually do my job. Admittedly I've never made a serious attempt to just ask people to not smoke around me, but in my defense it's because the response in the past has been for people to flick their cigarette ash at me and get up in my face. I think I might be too replaceable for there to be any kind of enforceable rule about not smoking in my direct vicinity

So I repeat: AITA for covering my face at work when people smoke right beside me? (And if so, any other solutions you could think of would be nice!)

What are these acronyms?

[kharmii]

You’re an incredibly stupid person, who thinks that feeling strongly about your uneducated, uninformed opinions makes them true.

Grow the fuck up.

This is in response to my comments about the possible Two Dude Matchup during women's boxing at the Paris Olympics. Participants Imane Khelif and Yang Liu -both sporting Adam's apples and male levels of strength- smoked all the clearly biological women to go for gold and silver.

It's possible I'm wrong and all the other people suspecting they are males posing as females -or intersex whatever- are wrong. Maybe that Russian boxing organization made them do genetic tests proving they have XX chromosomes. Maybe one or the other has a functioning womb and ovaries. Nobody knows because the information about what criteria got them disqualified in the past is not being released.

I tend to be skeptical about them being biological females just because of all the nonsense surrounding them. If they were proven biological women, then the information about their XX chromosomes would have been released right away, and it would be spread far and wide. Instead, we have the usual leftwing posturing about "you are just questioning them because you are RACIST!!"

Side note: I think it's reasonable to assume a country generally not winning a dick of a dog in the Olympics might be capable of pulling a 'man posing as a woman' scam. To avoid being labeled as a sucker by the worst elements of humanity, it's safe to assume there will always be third world shit farmers taking advantage of the kindness and tolerance of people from first world nations. Case in point....all the gay agenda obsessed girlies willing to harass people on the internet over this issue.

-Or I'm sorry, all you 'nonbinary trans masc' individuals who act just like biological women do at their worst.

Another stupid thing I'm seeing everywhere is the 'women can have XY chromosomes!' (wrong), intersex people exist! (True but they are usually one or the other at the chromosomal level. Anything other than XX, -even XXY or XXXY- should get a person disqualified from women's sports). It's extra stupid intersex people are getting all worked up and offended over this, as if society owes them something for being born with a defect that less than one percent of people are afflicted with. Nobody owes you anything. I personally don't owe you anything.

Wait a minute.....according to Google, "The IBA said that these tests revealed that Khelif has XY chromosomes, which are most commonly found in males." (Wrong: Always found in males)

Instead of trying to argue why it's fair to consider a male with XY chromosomes a 'female' they instead discredit the Russian boxing organization accusing them of only disqualifying the men boxing against women because they are offended that the men beat their Russian women with their testosterone boosted man strength. It doesn't matter if a man spends his life being socialized as a women due to a birth defect or because he's intersex (or because a scam is being pulled), a man is a man. Someone with an XY chromosome is a man.

[openedskull]

yk this is by no means a novel experience to anyone who has worked hard on something and shared it online for other people to see/read so i by no means want to sound like i think i should fucking reinvent the wheel

but like. under a cut for length i am breaking my own rules by venting about the james somerton thing again

it is so strange to see people still yapping about james somerton when like. many of them were not affected. i say this with the caveat that obviously a lot of people felt very anxious and distressed when they were under the impression that he might have harmed himself in the wake of his behaviour coming to light. none of us wanted that.... except for the contingent of gleeful idiots (sorry, but they are) who did. who, frankly, are still finding glee in speculating about and harassing him. spoiler alert: i was affected. he stole from me. he stole, specifically, PAGES OF DIRECT WORDING. no careful rephrasing, no little tweaks. it's verbatim. for minutes and minutes at a time. and it's published under my government name, and his attempts to "credit" me were under my government name, which is not anyone's fault but it does make it, now, feel incredibly alien. like how do i even claim that when that is not a name i use in online spaces anymore, both for my privacy and gender reasons? i don't even look like that person. i don't feel like that person. and yet i was still stolen from. every time i have to look at new shit that james somerton is supposedly doing or not doing it's like, cool, you're thinking about it again, would you like some free dissociation before breakfast?

on top of the material harm, on top of the financial harm many of us experienced, on top of the opportunities i probably lost out on by trusting the wrong people (more on this below lol*) and by having someone with a larger platform than me claim my words as his own and ensure that no one would ever find me underneath him - i have this extra weight that i'm carrying around. and i largely avoid looking at or for what he's doing now because of how absolutely shitty that feels. but i can also pretty much guarantee, based on the groups of people that he stole from, that i'm not the only trans creator in this situation. it's so, so strange, and so uncomfortable and jarring, and i don't know what to do with it.

that's all this has been a weird vent post lol i'm getting breakfast now

*(the site on which i posted that article has also not responded to me when i advised them of the plagiarism, btw. they will remain unnamed but in retrospect did not have a good experience there. they overworked me and my partner and expected us - unpaid volunteer writers, several of whom had additional full-time jobs at that time - to churn out multiple articles over christmas while the editors got to take a break. they played favourites and tried to pit myself and my partner against each other by making heavy edits and redactions to my partner's work while leaving mine relatively untouched and blowing smoke up my ass. i sincerely hope that no other work on that platform was stolen, both for the writers' sake and the editorial team who did try to carve out a corner for themselves in a very busy online landscape. but i also cannot stress enough how little recourse i have from an entity that declined to respond to my concerns about the theft and was never going to be able to pay me despite insisting that i produce 3+ articles every week, on top of my full-time job, without pay, and without allowing me any input on the back-end editing of my work. they will not be able to compensate me for the time, energy, research and effort that was taken from me, but have also declined to so much respond with an "i'm so sorry that happened, thank you for letting us know, we will look into any other instances of plagiarism".)

[gibbearish]

Hey, just wanted to say thank you so much for making that post calling all that stuff out. Maybe it's me blowing smoke out of my ass, but it feels like the posts that try to pin blame on transmascs for this don't seem to understand that the ban shit going on right now's not just been going on for a long while, but has basically been affecting everyone. Transfems like me might be getting hit the most noticeably at the minute, but from what I've been hearing this site's had a rep for screwing everyone who isn't "normal" over.

Maybe folks try to pin the blame on others because its easier to send anger towards people who can be bullied compared to a CEO who... apparently can also be bullied but can also just leave and ignore it all whenever the fuck he wants.

Again, thanks for calling that shit out. Hope your day goes good.

aaaa thank you /w\ + i think it might be less about who it's easier to attack (although that 100% is part of it) and more about like. taking advantage of mass anger / mob mentality by redirecting them to their personal target if that makes sense? like. not saying these are equal at all but just using it as a metaphor, from what I've heard neo nazi groups have stepped up recruiting during the i/p situation because when everyone is already mad at Israel The Country/Government, it's easier to push them towards being mad at Jewish people in general if it's something they were on the fence about / had biases about that just had never gotten a chance to be expressed before. i would argue this is similar, although obviously with VERY difference circumstances.

or for a more directly related metaphor, TERFs tend to step up their recruitment after some trans woman does a crime, because they can push people from "this person is bad and also happens to be a trans woman" to "this person is bad BECAUSE she's a trans woman," and then from there to "and trans women are bad because they are men".

basically hate groups will use big events to slide watered down versions of their ideologies into mainstream discourse to try and lure in people who either a) already agree with them but hadn't found the community yet, b) are generally progressive but have biases they're not aware of that can be used to boil the frog into outright hate, or c) genuinely do not agree but just didn't know the warning signs and will bail as soon as they figure it out, but will still spread things in the meantime as well as absorb at least /some/ of the ideology. people have worse judgement when they're mad, mobs trample people they don't actually want to hurt. righteous anger and vigilante justice feel good, so hate groups slide a group juuust close enough to who you were mad at before into your sights to keep that anger flowing once the actual target is gone.

although i guess now that i think about it, this is less "part one thing part the other" and more. your thing is the why and my thing is the how? i dunno. either way i hope your day goes good too:3

[jehanne-gaudet]

The gas station was less quiet than you'd think at this time of night, even in a town this small. It didn't seem strange at first, but over this week I've started to wonder why people just… hang out here, usually alone. And it's always older men.

They're scary obviously, in the way that all older white men are when you're a trans woman in a rural town at 1:04am. But they probably wouldn't bother me while I'm working, even if they did clock me. Not to mention I'm just here for 2 weeks anyway while I'm staying with my aunt. She's a manager here and asked me to work while I'm at her house.

Come to think of it, maybe this is how I looked to the gas station workers I was around before. You have a way of blending into the scenery when you're doing this, which is pretty comforting. But I bet they see a lot of funny people. I took a nap in my car in a gas station parking lot once.

Those two guys are both dressed the same. Some kind of work uniform, it's got some logo on the sleeve. Or some weird Midwestern cult maybe. They did mention something about a Bible study group I think. What denominations even become cults here? Back home it was always the evangelicals, or the baptists, or those big megachurches like Joel Osteen.

Anyway one of them's going now. Other guy comes up with a coffee, asks for some Camels. "Green ones," he mumbles. Shitty cigarettes, but alright. Like seriously what kind of old guy smokes Crushes? But seriously, it's fine.

Oh I'm supposed to do this thing when someone buys this coffee. It's some kind of promo, they have a flashing light display Aunt Anita set up. To be honest it's probably more useful for business when there's more than one person here, but it's actually kind of neat that she managed to set this up all on her own, so I'll flick it. Neon lights just go crazy in a few spots around the counter in abstract patterns that remind me vaguely of those big Chinese dragon costumes from the dances at new year. Or maybe like fire.

I mumble a "thanks". I don't know why I always thank people for nothing while I'm at work.

He mumbles something back though, it sounded like "something something your kind". And he's gone.

Maybe he really did clock me. Shit, forgot they made me throw out my pepper spray last time I went to the aquarium. It really is probably fine.

***

Drive "home" is fine, reminds me of working nights at the plant back home. Makes me feel like a teenager kind of. Only weird thing is, seems like nobody's at home right now. I know the boys aren't supposed to be in school for another few weeks, and Aunt Anita doesn't start her shift until like 2pm, around the time I wake up. I mean I've got a key, but… it's kind of weird, right? Going into someone's house when they're not there. All the lights are off, and the door's locked.

7:34am

"hey you guys go out for breakfast or smth?"

Sent

Whatever, I'm tired. Hope they bring me something back though.

***

SLAM!!

Sounded like the door to the neighboring bedroom. I can hear Aunt Anita fussing at one of the boys for being loud. There's some irony. Not sure I'll get back to sleep though. It's hard enough sleeping somewhere unfamiliar, but waking up has this sort of adrenaline to it.

By the time I make myself presentable enough to feel comfortable being seen by the outside world though Aunt Anita's already gone. I ask the boys if they brought me anything from breakfast. Nope!

"We had leftovers if you want." Yeah alright.

I mostly spent the day bugging my friends from home, and watching 40 minute YouTube videos that will definitely put me back to sleep. I jolt from half-consciousness at everyone's favorite sound: the poorly mixed way-too-loud audio of a local political ad. Johnny Johnson or something. George Whitebread. Oh shocker, racist dog-whistles seem to be a major campaign promise in the Midwest too. Here's something fun though– shit I skipped the ad. But I think that was the same logo I saw on the guys' matching shirts last night. Maybe that's who owns all of the corn that seems to be inexplicably growing everywhere. Monsanto most likely.

Whoops, now I'm on a Wikipedia crawl into Monsanto's corrupt history here in Kansas. Gross negligence, roundup, lost crops, lawsuits, blah blah blah. I actually can't tell which of these headlines are about the same lawsuits and which ones are about different lawsuits. It kind of seems like they're just still doing the same shit like month after month and just eating the legal costs. My friends' group chat is talking about a movie night I'm going to have to miss, so obviously I'm sending them paragraphs about how much I hate Monsanto. I'm assuming nobody reads these but it's nice to feel like I can still annoy them with my inane bullshit from this far away. I send one last message before I get ready for work:

9:14pm

"for legal reasons that was a joke"

"fbi agent, that means you can only use it against me in court IF you kiss me for it"

Received

Oh wait Aunt Anita messaged me? Oh it was earlier, I–

8:17am

"were at Ziggys Cafe"

"Emily don't go home right now its not safe"

Seen

8:34am

"please answer the phone"

Seen

8:52am

"Emily don't go into the house I'm begging you don't go inside"

"you better be okay"

Seen

What the fuck?

[spitelyrics]

Food House - Mos Thoser

Hey Spencer, this is Lieutenant [OINK OINK OINK OINK] with Berklee College police Ah, yeah I need to speak with you, either on the phone or in person Um, the school monitored a disturbing, um Tweet between you and Frack

(This is (???))

I feel like I'm a hot pink bitch named Breakfast (yeah) 'Boutta make a Girls Gone Wild spinoff called Twink Gone Reckless They wanna (bing-bing-bong) Take pics 'cause I made this fit and necklace They all swarm around me, I hold double ping pong ambidextrous

Kids distracted Listen to me while in class, I feel like Tetris Themboification, poison your mind and body, I'm asbestos If you see somebody with dyed hair Who smells like weed and does not care And they listen to snare That's how you know that they infected with that

New world order No more gods, only SOPHIE Y'all know God is trans So let's pray to her and stream Trophy Tonight let's do shit that gets us in cringe comps Make some new behaviors that straight people will infringe on

Tonight let's do shit that gets us in cringe comps Make some new behaviors that straight people will infringe on

I just want you to see I just want you to see The way we drag a bunch of people into lunacy Tonight no freakin' out Don't check my bank account Don't check my grades right now Just go insane right now

And Micah just told me I'm poggers I thought someone else was sellin' tabs and poppers Now I'm running through the streets like I am Frogger Everything I do, attention from these bloggers, I go home

POV (POV) You're an icon 'cause you're me Think about how many people know they're gay because of me Got that F R umlaut H, my whole crew gettin' guzzly Grab your man, he's trying to roleplay on me all snuggly

Restrain Before he piss me off too much and I complain You'll never get that fucking tarnish off your name You fuck with me, you'll have to find a different space Stay in your place Get out my face

I just want you to see I just want you to see The way we drag a bunch of people into lunacy Tonight no freakin' out Don't check my bank account Don't check my grades right now Just go insane right now

25, 25 minutes 'til I go on stage Warm the crowd up, tell 'em play nightcore Beyoncé Smoke in a dark green room like a séance, ayyyy Almost okay

But someone here gives me a rude vibe Vineyard Vines on, I bet you listen to Maroon 5 You wanna have a conversation 'bout my whole life I could talk but I gotta go They bark and pantin' for me, that's that Dog Show

I just want you to see I just want you to see The way we drag a bunch of people into lunacy Tonight no freakin' out Don't check my bank account Don't check my grades right now Just go insane right now

Sane right now, sane right now Sane right now, sane right now Sane right now, sane right now Sane right now, sane right now Sane right now, sane right now Sane right now, sane right now Sane right now, sane right now Sane right now, sane right now

Can Gupi turn the-

Give a fuck what my schedule says I won't give a fuck 'til I'm fucking dead Give a fuck what my schedule says Fuck Notch, fuck Musk, and I'll piss on Zedd Give a fuck what my schedule says I won't give a fuck 'til I'm fucking dead Give a fuck what my schedule sa-

Um, it's best you call me, uh, so we can stop this, okay?

[wormmomma666]

I used to be apart of the transfem group at the gay center for a few years but this one girl kinda ruined it.

My first year on estrogen the group was really nice and pretty vital to the beginning of my transition. Of course I fell off after awhile I was concentrating on my music career (and I was also fucking a few people consistently tbh). After a year and a half of not going I decided to pop in and it didn't go great. Don't get me wrong the meeting itself was really nice, I mean granted yea they replaced one of the group facilitators but I didn't bat an eye at it I had a good time. The group was talking about harassment from transphobes so I had alot to talk about. Not only was I once again the only black trans woman there but also I was relating alot to the new Latino girl who was facilitating. She was a Puerto Rican girl from the Bronx, my girlfriend was like that too so ig I had a soft spot for her. I don't remember her name but let's just call her Magda. Erica (the other facilitator) ended the group early, so I decided to talk to Magda on the way out and we stopped for a smoke with this yt girl Sadie. Magda and Sadie where both talking about there misgivings with group. Apparently according to Magda the vetting process was really bad. The stuff they allowed from group was kinda ridiculous. They couldn't tell the difference between a boymoder and a horny chaser just trying to watch hot trannies talk and lament about there lives, they allowed two cis women in one time and all they did was write in note books the whole time (they where probably journalist), and also there was this girl in the group with it/it's pronouns and - wait a minute. I told Magda to stop complaining. It wasn't as if she didn't have some valid points but I told her that I use it/it's pronouns and we'd been getting along fine before she brought that up. I wasn't angry or anything I just kind wanted to understand where Magda was coming from (and so did Sadie who was kinda in the middle of all this). Magda told me this "you can't use it/it's pronouns because that's teaching cis people to call trans woman am it which is dehumanizing. Your asking normal people to dehumanize all trans women because you wanna be different and that's not ok". I told her she was being alittle ridiculous I said "look babes first, I never ask cis people to call me "it" for me personally that pronoun is an option I put out there for trans people and some enbies. Secondly, I'm not just a black trans woman I'm also genderqueer so I'm not just some simple binary bitch like the rest of y'all hoes sorry. I'm not asking cis people to dehumanize trans people due to my pronouns trans women aren't a monolith and the way I express my femininity isnt gonna be the same as every other woman I meet". What I said really resonated with Sasha and Magda was being pretty receptive because we where all smoking weed together. Personally I enjoyed the conversation but then Sasha asked me what femininity means to me so I answered honestly "femininity is a trap. Much like masculinity its a performance that every woman keeps acting out for a captive audience. I'm so much more than my femininity and honestly I wish I didn't have to be stifled by being a woman, but I understood very early on that although I'm not just a trans woman life is alot safer if a pretend like I am. I wanna trick people into thinking I'm a woman long enough that I can live my life peacefully and have my fun as silly as that may sound". Sasha and Magda paused and gave me a look and then Sasha said "Lua I'm sorry but the way your femininity scares the shit outta me". I thought that was fair I laughed and told them they every woman is different and that I was headed to the bar. We parted ways and I never saw Magda again. I really appreciated Magda. although she was a transmed and straight she was also totally herself she was angry and confident. I feel like me and her had alot in common and if I grew up in the Bronx away from all the Bushwick trannies I would've probably looked and thought the same way.

I was told that the next meeting Magda had a meltdown that was so bad they disbanded group. Apparently after our conversation she finally grew the confidence to confront the it/it's pronouns girl and yelled at everyone in group for "not trying hard enough" and "being men". It kinda broke my heart I tried to salvage group and get them somewhere else so they could keep meeting but I think all the yt girls really underestimated how many resources I had and didn't talk to me. They fired the main facilitator that appointed Magda. I dont think Magda faced any consequences. Idk I just find it odd how trandmedicalist ideologies is nothing more than a snake eating it's own tail. Oh well....

[rattling-the-teacups]

We had the memorial. No fights broke out. There were many conversations that took place that weren't about Tyler, which unfortunately is to be expected when people who haven't seen each other in a long time get together again. It got annoying. My mom insisted on taking a million pictures with me and everyone. I let my displeasure be known. Both sets of my grandparents were there. My grandma on my dad's side loved our picture slideshow and Tyler's sketchbook drawings, some of which she has taken photos of to show one of my younger cousins, who is also trans and draws. I don't know that she was thinking about them both being trans specifically, but my younger cousins liked Tyler a lot and I feel like he would be proud to be a role model for them, especially to live as themselves. My family was annoying, but they were mostly supportive. We didn't get to listen to as much music as we wanted, but I did get quite a bit of time to talk about Tyler to a captive audience until late at night. I was glad to see my friends, although they didn't get to stay until very late, and like five or six of us wore plaid, Robin being the trendsetter (as usual). It was low-key and mellow, I smoked not as much weed as I thought, and I didn't break down into terrible tears, although I did cry a couple of times. Maybe emotions will hit me tomorrow, but so far the anxiety and surge of emotion has been worse in the lead up to today than it has been on the actual day. So frequently that happens. I'm staying at the airbnb my mom booked for the event and for some people to stay at. My dad's parents and sister stayed with my mom (lol, also side note my aunt and mom are sleeping in the same bed, also lol), as well as my brother, in the house. So tonight I'm going to sleep in the other bed in the room my brother is in. Just like old times when we went on vacation. And I'm ten minutes from home if I want to leave, unlike vacation.

It's finally quiet, and as I have time to reflect, I think more feelings will probably come up, but it just happened that my therapist's next available appointment was the day after our event and we both agreed it might be nice to be able to decompress the next day. I'm taking Tyler's ashes in with me to bed tonight. I don't think Seth will care honestly, but I'm prepared to have a real sibling fight if he has a problem with it. Tyler and I would've slept on that twin sized bed together and cuddled up real tight to not fall off, that's what we did on my childhood bed at my mom's house, and Scotty would sleep on top of us. Good times.

I was literally interrupted by my grandma (not the one I live with) and I just talked to her for two and a half hours. Grief, love, loss. I am so tired. So much of my remembrance of Tyler happened after the actual event ended. I showed pictures, I talked to my dad, I talked to my grandma, I talked to my brother. So many conversations. It doesn't bring Tyler back, but it felt nice to be listened to, even if it took all day. I'm going to get so little sleep. Goodnight... I mean, good morning everyone.

[hayeshellcat]

On Becoming A Lady Person, Pt. 3: On Pronouns and Misguided Moral Conduct

Journal Entry

9/11/24

Notes

All conversants are cisgender women (numbered), plus me (“Me”); various substance use disorders, co-occurring mental health disorders, and post-acute withdrawal symptoms in play.

As a trans woman early in my transition, I am accustomed to special attention, often in the form of compliments on my wardrobe or some aspect of my physical appearance. I understand that these are meant to be affirming. I suspect simultaneously that these comments serve various ego trips and growth processes as the cis women adjust to the existence of an unfamiliar presence: a transgender woman (admittedly, a rather stylish one, with great hair).

Setting

Smoking area in the fenced-in yard of a large treatment center for women. It is dusk, mosquitos are dodging blue tobacco smoke, searching for exposed skin. Children’s toys are scattered about. Around 10 women sit in an approximation of a circle, in mismatched lawn furniture; or stand by the nearby entranceway. It is early September, in the mid-70’s F, in the American Midwest. 

Scene

Woman 1: (staring at me for an extended period, then turning to the larger group, in a sudden burst of social energy) Doesn’t he have such great hair!?

Me: (smoking a cigarette, listening to music in can headphones - one headphone off-kilter enough to track conversation; casually, this is my 20th such compliment today and I would prefer to just accept it without noting the misgender, and shift attention back to my music and my American Spirit): Thank you.

Woman 2: (in a chair beside W1, quickly and in a hushed, sharp tone) Her hair.

W1: (embarrassed, realizing her mistake as quickly as she is corrected) Her. Shoot. Sorry. (body language of guilt; in her haste to receive her gold star for complimenting the resident tranny,her attention faltered and she revealed her bias)

Me: (quickly, quietly): No sweat.

Woman 3: (standing 10 feet away, didn’t hear the full exchange, just the initial compliment; aggressive, disgusted tone and body language; to W1) It’s her. (to Me) You know you can correct her, right?

Me: (again, quietly; wanting to move on): Yep, I know. She caught it. 

W3: (to W1, walking closer) Do you realize what you did? You said he. It’s she.

W1: (more embarrassed, body language of guilt intensifies) I know! (to Me) I know you.

Me: (slightly louder, clearer; now entirely focused on managing the situation, not on my music and my cigarette) It’s okay. It happens. Thank you. (arms gesture, indicating “let’s drop it here”)

(I put my cigarette out and get up to go inside.)

Woman 4: (comes outside as I am walking in; turns to another woman and speaks, purposefully within ear-shot of me and the larger group): Damn, he’s lookin’ good!

Me: (I smile at W4, make eye contact with W3, who is staring back. I raise my eyebrows and shrug slightly, as if to say, “See? I have to pick my battles.” I head inside with my headphones on.)

Analysis

What can we learn from this situation? What would I like other people to understand about this, what I assume is a common experience for trans women who brave social situations with cis women?

(1) Yes, for me, misgendering is exactly this common. I am in a unique social situation (a residential treatment center), but I think that I am pretty safe to generalize this experience. Let’s summarize what happened and put a timeline to it. 

This exchange, in total, lasted about one minute. A well-meaning cis woman tried to do a “social good,” let’s call it, and betrayed her bias (i.e., she sees me as a man). In the process of walking twenty feet to the doorway, just seconds later, this exact behavior repeated itself, in what I believe to be the same moral context. When I say moral context and social good, I mean this: “Look at me. I’m affirming this person who is different, and I am so caught up in my goodness that I lose focus and do a whoopsie-uh-oh microaggression.” This is my own intuition and analysis, not the facts. 

Here’s what I want you to know: Yes, this (the misgendering, the well-meaning corrections, the awkwardness, the body language of anxiety, guilt, and defeat) happens frequently, many times a day. This is especially true in social settings with people who are unfamiliar and unpracticed with transgender experience. That includes the vast majority of people everywhere. I am in the rural Midwest. It applies to 97.285% of folks up here.

(2) I am well-practiced dealing with this. I understand intuitively what is going on. It is bias and momentary inattention. It is not malicious. When I say “No sweat” or “It’s okay,” what I really mean is: I don’t like this, it’s not okay in the big picture, but in this small social interaction, I am offering grace and forgiveness with ease. I am able to brush it off and move on, which is what I want to do. 

Now, if I am in a similar scenario and I do not have the emotional energy to truly shrug it off, I might say the same things (no sweat, it’s okay). In such a situation, my feelings may be hurt and I may have some stirred-up shame and gender dysphoria to deal with. My comments about it being all right are arguably insincere. Still, my emotions are mine to identify and express, and the current, mundane, distressing social interaction is not where I wish to process those feelings. I will seek out a safe person and ask for support; or some other self-care-type thing. 

As a final comment on this, I want to explore another perspective, which is that I could be more vocal and more assertive in my follow-up communication around these microaggressive microsituations. Where I am in my transition and general mental health journey, I have come to realize and accept that I am not a typical warrior. I have no righteous tack. In Jungian terms, I am probably an introverted intuitive. Whatever. I am working to honor the truth that I really value righteous vocality in my friends within the community, those who might be labeled social justice warriors. I have to protect my energy, though, and so the idea that I am going to resolve whatever problem I am presenting here by learning to speak up for myself is uninteresting to me. 

(3) Woman 2 acted like a true ally. This is common sense if you have done any work on the topic of trans allyship. The thing to do is either a) As W2 did, quickly and calmly offer a correction, and move on; or b) Don’t say anything. Option b, I want to emphasize, is equally okay - at least in my case. Other trans women might have different expectations. Duh. The bottom line is that we either will or will not correct someone, and our reasons are our business. In this case, it was late in the day, I was trying to decompress and enjoy a cigarette, and I was half-invested, socially; signified by my headphones half-on/half-off. I made a split-second decision that it was not a good use of my energy to speak up. W2 made her own split-second on my behalf, and it was A-okay by my own boundaries. Cool cool cool. I wish this had been the end.

On that note, before I move on to my last point, I want to emphasize this:

(4) This was a truly mundane experience. I neither enjoyed it, nor was I particularly hurt. Next, I am going to talk about why this stuff has the capacity to hurt me, and so I want to make it clear that I personally view these exchanges and microaggressions through a thoroughly generalized lens. They all just blend together because I have a certain amount of experience dealing with them. It is almost like a weird scripted conversation that I am forced to perform like ten or more times daily. I disconnect emotionally and run through my well-rehearsed lines as quickly as possible. At this point in my transition, I think that this is a healthy approach rooted in resiliency and born from my mental health and spiritual work. As I hope I am making very clear - this is my own perspective and is always subject to change. Earlier this year, with less experience, it would have conceivably hurt a lot worse. Or if I am having an off day, it still might get my goat. But generally…

The reason I have to work at making this stuff not a big deal is the same reason it actually really, really hurts me. 

(5) The issue is that we (the cis women and I) have different perceptual experiences of what is important and what is worth our attention. Otherwise stated, the problem is a lack of awareness or focus and/or a lack of empathy. 

Misgender me once - no shame. 

I have misgendered members of the community. I get it. I know how this happens. I have also learned the protocol and best practices of apologizing, making the correction, and quickly moving on. 

Now, here is what I really want to say: The fucking issue is that these common, mundane experiences of misgendering betray what most people are actually paying attention to. It hurts so fucking much when I go through this stuff and I see that cis people are not learning to see me as I am. They are learning the protocol for when they mess up, which is simple and offers a tasty moral reward. I believe that most people are far more interested in feeling good about themselves than they are in putting in the work to empathize with me and to understand my experience as a transgender woman. This. Fucking. Sucks. 

My experience tells me that 75% of the time, people get so caught up in their own egoic morality trip (i.e., getting the psychic reward of complimenting the tranny (W1 and W4), or in performing the little social justice drama of pronoun-correction protocol (W3)) that I, the object of the microaggressive behaviors, become absurdly inconsequential to this whole affair.

You motherfuckers forget to learn anything at all about me. Who I am. What I want. How I connect with others. You are so caught up in doing good. You would rather be good than pay attention to me. To see me as a fucking human being. I am fucking interesting, goddamnit. Complex. Nuanced. Feminine. Passionate. Compassionate. Attentive. Empathetic. I have such a rich inner world and if you take the time to get to know me, my transgender experience will come to make such beautiful sense that it will enrich your whole worldview and every other relationship you have. 

So many people who I am trying to keep close in my life, cis people I love and who were my friends before my transition, perform this song and dance reliably. They always behave appropriately when they make mistakes, but they never really learn. They keep making the mistakes. I am so hurt and angry about this. I am learning that I can usually tell within two or three interactions with a person whether they have the capacity to empathize with me on my transition journey - if they can devote the attention and energy needed to navigate their bias and to show their actual interest in learning about me. So. Fucking. Many. Cannot. Long-term friendships. Blood relatives.

Misgender me five or six times, every time - shame on you. SHAME ON YOU.

Fuck you. Fuck you. I do not judge you for having bias. I was socialized in the same systems. I do not care if you slip up. I care that you try. I care that you learn. 

And you don’t.  

You dance the moral dance. You retreat into your stuff. You. You. You. Even when your mouth says “great hair” or even “I love you,” your uncomfortable body language betrays you: your thinly-veiled, hostile anxiety;  and, most of all, your inability or unwillingness to do the challenging work of changing your mind about who I really am and how it all fits together.

Listen, I understand the nature of the work. It is fair to call it challenging - though, like everything else, it is only difficult in a specific context and will get easier with intentional practice. I know bias. I know transphobia. I know our culture. I know the gender binary.

What is going through your head? Like, really going on? Your unresolved shame about watching transgender porn? Maybe  it’s your fetish for womens’ lingerie. Maybe your irrational fear that I am a violent sexual predator. Or that I am diseased. Mentally unstable? Confused? Maybe the drugs I took scrambled my brain, or I had a porn addiction that went on for too long and I went too far down the sissy hypno rabbit hole. Maybe despite knowing that the larger social justice community vilifies TERFs, you can’t help but hear J.K. Rowling or even Dave Chappelle and think, “My gut tells me that they’re speaking the truth.” Is that your feminine intuition you’re feeling? Your real, actual experience as a real, actual woman telling you that what you see is unnatural: a wolf man in sheep womens’ clothing. Or you, as a man’s man, see women in the two appropriate, socially-sanctioned contexts: 1) objects of sexual desire and conquest, or 2) precious, pure mothers, daughters, and sisters who rely on strong men like you for protection.

If I’m not with you, I am against you. I am your moral, spiritual enemy. Your instinct tells you who is on the home team, who is basically good. 

And I’m not. Your gut tells you I’m wrong. Bad. Evil.

Here’s the deal. My whole life’s journey to this point might be summed up by the suffering I have endured navigating this whole social framework. I have done the work to explore it, understand it, and discard it. It sounds hokey and pretentious and I don’t care. I see the Reality and Truth beyond all of this. I see how who I am as a transgender woman is actually a natural, wonderful thing. I feel wonder. I see the beauty. I will own some amount of psychological projection. But fuck you if you are here to tell me, whether in words or actions, that I am wrong, unnatural, sick, confused; that I do not belong here. I do. 

The work is worth it.

Please, give me your attention. This is truly interesting. Your intuition, your gut feeling is telling you that something is not right. 

It is not me. 

Please, take a deep breath and start the work of figuring out what it really is. I promise nothing but love and acceptance if you choose to include me in your journey. I can help. It is worth it. I promise. 

Lastly - she/her, please.

[nathank77]

4/19/24

4:56 p.m Edited/Added to 5:05 p.m

I just woke up. I had a very hard time falling asleep again. I closed my eyes at 7:06 a.m, opened them at 7:42. Took a second 25mg Hydroxyzine. Took my first 25mg Benadryl. Closed my eyes until 8:12 still wasn't asleep... ate a think bar and then closed my eyes again.

I must have fallen asleep in 20 minutes or so after that. I've been getting weird tactile hallucinations that are associated with my mental pictures like before with psychosis... and sounds that are associated with my mental pictures at least I think for that one... cause it's like I hear a ting and imagine a can... it could be From my show... with the mental picture right after the sound.

The tactiles are like I grab a can or something and my hand feels like it moves to grab it or it actually moves..... or i can feel the can......I've had a lot of those recently.. I'm wondering if it's real xanax but based on other nights with the same bottle I fell asleep fast despite getting these.

The other day I was in the shower and I was kinda freaked out bc of my ocd and I closed my eyes and had a mental image of the shower and my arm almost touching the wall so like rather than it being visual when I was smoking pot it prob was all mental images...

Anyways I accidently started posting on dopaminergicaddictions again.. I reblogged everything here. But I accidently deleted one of my posts an important one. I'm mad cause I can't re-write it. It's just gone. I wish there was a recent garbage can...

Anyways I'm about to go see my mom but my uncle died today and my dad wanted me to call him.. so I called him.

He was like a stone wall. He expects me to go the funeral. I said I'd only go out of respect for him. I said i have 3 reasons I don't want to go:

1) time i need to sleep- he said the wake would be at like 330 or 4... but not the funeral so he expects me to go to the wake..

2) clothes I have no nice clothes. He said I have money I need to buy something nice. I DONT HAVE THE MONEY TO BUY SOMETHING TO SEE THAT SHIT BAG. HE NEVER ACCEPTED ME. THE CLOTHES YOU NEED ARE EXPENSIVE. DRESS PANTS, A BUTTON UP.

I said I don't really have the money and he was like well you're on disability and I said yes but only ssi and I only get a little over 900$ a month I'm not on ssdi like you. I mentioned the disability appts and them saying he isn't on it. He didn't make a comment. So idk. I didnt push past that..

But I don't have the money to buy something nice to wear to Mark's wake.

3) then I said well psychosis is more than hearing a voice. I get mental pictures and I don't want to see a dead person. Cause of that. I said it would depend on the person but ingeneral atm It's not healthy for me to see a dead body.

- he was like well they may cremate him and if they don't you don't have to go up and see him.

He said something like I know you don't respect him and maybe me and I jumped in and said I do respect you dad you're the only reason I'd go! And he brought up that I didn't see my grandmother or my aunt the two times they came down..

He is like a stone wall he fully expects me to go. I don't have anything to wear i don't want to be around people crying. It's not healthy for me.....and mark isn't worth it! He didn't mean anything to me!

I didn't bring up reason 4: mark never accepts me. He talkes massive shit about me to my face and to my mother and sister and everyone. I was a freakshow to mark.

I might as well have been in the freakshow at a circus to him. He didn't respect my gender at all.

I don't care for Melissa- his daughter she posted this thing on fb about not knowing if women are really women nowadays and having to look for an Adam's apple....made a joke about it.

I don't care for Bryan his son- he constantly talks to me like mark did, man up if you want to be a man so badly. Etc. He outed me to my sisters ex boyfriend during the move. He is an asshole.

Marks wife eddy... I do like but I mean I'm sure she's on board with all the transphobia..... I mean she just didn't say it. Beyond that Mark raped her multiple times. He was a hot head who would break your jaw for saying the wrong thing.

Oh yea he was a drug dealer too...

I mean I truly hated mark and I would not regret not going. Cause to me he didn't exist. He wasn't my family. He used to be my favorite uncle and then I transitioned and he lost all respect for me and I snipped him the fuck out.

He died to me when I started my transition.

So idk what to do cause the whole respect for my father thing should have been enough... like i respect you but XYZ and they are good reasons... and you know he said your uncle may not have respected you but you got to be there for the family..

No I really don't... you never talked to mark. You thought he was shit too... and despite some of my family accepting me the primary people who this affected- eddy, Bryan and Melissa mean nothing to me. And I mean absolutely nothing.

So idk what to do. I'm stressed about seeing my mother. I'm stressed cause if I don't go to marks wake then I've disrespected my father.

I'm stressed cause I lost an important post bc I accidently started posting on dopaminergicaddictions again and I deleted one where I got a lot of feelings out.

I'm stressed that I didn't sleep well.. I woke up at 3:30..

I'm stressed that I'm having the wierd tactile hallucinations with my mental images.

I don't want to buy clothes and go to see mark. He didn't respect me. I was a girl to him.

He wasn't my fucking family. And everytime I try to imagine glasses I see him partially dead already very unclear but his face and part of his glasses ... cause he wore them... so I mean yea I prob shouldn't go..

This isn't about getting off this is just psychosis being a cunt and already fucking with the mental pictures. If I see him there I will see the mental picture of him for months.

[emi1ll]

Ninjago dragon rising s2 (maybe spoiler idk)

IS THAT FUGIDOVE

HOW DID RIYU GET THAT BIG??

Who was kreel OHHH IS THE YUNKYARD LADY

LLOYDDDDD !!!

Autism (this is about Zane)

What is fatigue

Is it just me or did Arin’s voice changes

Master Wu jumpscare

OMG CINDER

It did sound very silly

SUBSCRIBE!

This might not end well

Cinder vanished or smth

Ok I’ll continue in like an hour (it took like 10 minutes)

CINDRR ))))

The blood moon is coming 🗣️‼️‼️‼️

Idk bagels

Is that cinder or the ninja

OMG PERcivallll

EUPHRASIAAAAAAA HIIIIII :33

OMG GI EYLDFIRE OE EJATRHRR YOR NAME WAS SORRY I DONT REMEMBER DRAGON RISING NAMES THAT MICH

Sora one of my fav trans icons

It’s ok Arin it would happen to me too (it’s the scene where they are interrogating some kind of serpentine)

ARIN GOT HAPPY WHEN HE SAW PERCICAALL BUMBLEBEEE SHITPOJNGNDNJJ 😭😭

HE SMILED AT ATIN OMHH

EUPHRADIA ONH EYAY

Oh no CINDER AND TAD AND THE FURRYS AND JORDANS

OH SHIT VANDALISM

CMON EUPHRASIA YOU CAN DO THIS ‼️‼️‼️

Ion nooo colon ruphtaidaaaaaa nooooooo what are guy doing what oh okay

And very very bad..

Arin camouflages a bit with the coukoud kingdom

THE GUYS SCARED FSCE HFJSHR

A language that looks evil 😱😱

Who is that oh is that guy. I don’t remember his name

YOU CURSEDBTE WORMS?

Gross.. but kind of awesome gross

Who is the forbidden five

Arin why are you standing like that are you gay

Ok that was my fav thing i have wrote in here

A bit too late

Shut up lesbian (jordana)

It does look pretty real

CINDER

ELEMENTAL MÁSTER OF SMOKE FROM SEASON 4 MENTIONED 🗣️‼️‼️‼️

Oh shit

SHATTERSPIJ??

OH NO WYLDFIREEE

He certainly can stop all of you

This reminds me a bit of morro when he appears for the first time to the ninja

Oh shit he hurt her bad AND ALSO ZANE

CMON ATIN

Is jordana and cinder going to have some kind of rivalry

WHAT ARE TO Even thinking about Lloyd

Lloyd talks to himself

HETA THE FUCK ID THAT DREGON EHAT

Oh is this again

Why does he always huh what is that dragon

I love Kai and wyldfire (not in a ship way

Yep there will be a rivalry between cinder and jordana

Yay Nya and Lloyd uhh sibling thing. Idk how it’s called but it’s hermandad ok

It’s wykdfire I KNRE IT WAS HER

WHERE DID THAT TENTACLE COME FROM

Huh what is that

They are so fucking gay. This is about Cole and geo

Cole come back your children and husband miss you

OKG CLOYD KNGXOM

NOOOOOO GET GE FUCK OUT OF HEREEE GEOO AND YOUR CHILFRTRNNIOOOOOOOOO

What a weird way to befriend a dragon

Huh who is that

Oh yay they passed the tests

DHSJHDHS

Hi rontu and heal

They came all the way here to beat geo? Unexpected

NOO BONZLE

Omg coleerrr

COLEERRRREREEEEEEEEEEE YOU CMAE NOT KIKE MY BIOLOGICAL DAD THAT NEVER CAMD BACK YAYYYYYYYY

GAYYYYYY GAYYYYYY GAYYYYYSYAYRUUDIJ

Ohh they are EREALLYYYYYY old

Is bonzle hiding something

Ok I’ll continue this later

Why does Zane have a doll of the frog man

Was that master Wu

Yay gay people

ONG GEO AND COLE HOLD HANDS

WHAT IS MASTER WU DOING IN THIS STORY. ANOTHER THING HEHASNT TOLD THEM YET

Is this a coming out allegory (bonzle)

OH SHIT SACRIFICE. Even cinder and jordana didn’t seem to like that idea

RGALT

WHAT THE FUCK THIS IS JAY WALKER

Oh cool a serpentine

HUH THE ADMINJSTATION

A NINDRODI

Mf always has to fucking shut down couldn’t you wait for the third season so you could sacrifice

Oh never mind he is alive again

I thought it was going to explode with them inside the mech

OH SHIT THE COOUD KINGDOM

That dragon is too bright

Oh shit wild mask warrior

ZNAE SHUT THE FUCK UP

YOU TOO LADY I DONT REMEMBER THR NAME IF

Why did cinder smile like that

GET DOWN MR PRESIDENT !!!

Huh what’s going on

OH SHIT ARIN LLOUD AND NUA FELL FRON THE BIUNTY

Lloyd shut the fuck up

WHAT THE FUCK SHY IS RIYU FKYING OR SMTH

Oh just nktingness

KAI ARE YOU FUCKIGN STUILOD

Are they gonna fall

Yes they did

BOUNTEY DESTROYED !!! FOR LIKE THE 8TH TIME

OH SHIT THE WOLF WARRIORS ARE NEAR

Oh shit WHAT DO YOU MEAN CURSED

HURRY UP

Eher taking too long HOBSHIT. I JNEE SOMRTHING BAD ESS GOIG TO HAPPEN

THE WAY THEY ALWAYS FORGET JORDANA IS CRAZY FHSJRHE

Ok shut up

NOO BONZLE

EUPHRASIA GT OUT OF HERE!!!!! LELASEBvvvvv! (Not in a neg way)

OH SHIT THE FORBIDDEN FIVE ARE THER

Girl the mech thing kinda gives you away

OH SHIT JORDANA

Hurry up ARIN

OH DAMN

WHAT THE FUCK IS RHAT ARINS PARENTS

Oh it wasn’t it was Lloyd and Nya

TOGETHER WE EIL RISEEEEE

GANDELERIA THAD THE MAGICISN NAMR

NOOOOO BONZLE ID A SOELL AGAIN

Oh shit the forbidden 5

OH SHIT CONDER DESTORYED THAT THING THAT KEPT HI IN HERE

Cinder shut te fuck up

Oh shit man

WH IDOES JAU HAVE SOME TYPE OF DRSTON

Zhongshan the FIGHT SCENES ARE SO GOOD???

NO KAII

Oh shit man what even is your name

Idk what Zane just said but ok

EUPHRASIA AND AANE YOU CAN DO THIS

OK EUPHRAISA ITS JDJT YOU YOU CAN DI THIS

SHE COUDL DO THIS y AYYYYY

OH FLASHBACKS

WHATTHE FUCK DRSGON RISING TRCHNIWUE WITH NYA

Ok can we skip the lesson of the episode

OH SHIT EHY DID HE DESTROY HIS sword o THEVISION

WHAT DI YOU MEA MN DONT WORRY ABOUT MEVVV KAI?????

Shh wyldfire shhh

Why did they fucking vanish

OH MU FCIKING GOD

A lot can happen in like 2 weeks

Where the fuck are they

NOKT IS ONE OF THE FORBIDDEN FIVE

Oh shit

What is going on with jordana bro what the fuck is that face

YAYYYY COLE AND LLOYD HUG I love the brothers

Now HES THE WORLDS HERO””” 😭😭😭

Cole supporting his trans daughter yay

Kai again get this guy out of here (literally)

Ok that’s the end of dragon rising s2 bai