#guys i had to google how to shave for this

[what-are-wordsss]

A Haunted House with a Picket Fence to Float around and Ghost my Friends

Ghost x Reader (Platonic)

Ghost has been having a hard time lately. What can you do to help him?

Ao3 Link

~

Retirement was killing Ghost. It had been a year and a half now and the lack of routine, the loneliness, everything... he couldn't handle it. All he did lately was rot in bed, not getting up unless it was to use the bathroom and maybe grab a protein bar and water bottle. What was the point anymore? No friends, no job, what did he have to get out of bed for? What was there to live for? 

He was forced into retirement after the death of Soap and an injury he obtained in the mission after.

You were the newest member of the TF141, joining shortly before Ghost left. You two didn't get to know each other well, but you knew each other enough. Well, enough to get each other's cell phone numbers and keep in contact. 

Well, until Ghost dropped off of the face of the earth. He stopped contacting anybody on his old team and stopped answering messages and calls. It worried everyone. 

You didn't have the time to check in on him for a few months, occasionally sending a message to check on him in your free time, but he never answered you. It worried you to no end. But you were in another country on a mission; what could you do about it until you got back? 

The first thing you did as soon as you got some approved leave time was head over to his place. You hesitantly knocked on his door. You weren't sure what you'd find. There was no answer and after a few minutes, you knocked again.

"Simon?" You called out. "You there?" You could see a small light on through the window. You tried the door. Unlocked. That worried you. Ghost was paranoid by nature, why would his door be unlocked? "I'm coming in, okay?" You yelled, opening the door. 

You entered his flat, not sure what you'd see. There wasn't anything in the living room, no signs of Ghost or anything else.

You walked by the kitchen on your way to his bedroom and peeked in. Nobody there. You knocked on his bedroom door and listened. There was no answer, but you could hear a slight shifting. He was in there. 

"Hey, I'm coming in there. You better be decent." You joked, trying to conceal your worry and panic about the whole situation. You pushed the door open and looked in. 

Ghost was lying on his stomach under his pile of blankets on his bed, just looking at the wall. His eyes flittered to you for a moment and then he looked away. He didn't have the energy to feel embarrassed about the situation. He just felt tired and numb. 

You frowned, looking him over. He looked like hell. His hair was greasy and shaggy; he always kept his hair in shape. He was unshaven and he had dark bags under his eyes. You could tell that he had lost some weight. It was... kind of sad, honestly. You felt bad for him.

You kneeled beside his bed, looking at his face. "Hey... what's wrong?" You asked softly. His eyes darted in the other direction, avoiding looking at you. You sighed and set an arm on his arm. It was obvious what was wrong with him, he was depressed. 

You stood, taking in the state of his room. There were protein bar wrappers all over his side table and a warm water bottle. At least he was eating and drinking, you supposed. Ghost tried to hide his disappointment when you left the room, but you swiftly returned with a glass of cold water and a sleeve of saltines. 

You moved some of the stuff aside and set the stuff down, sitting on the side of the bed. You brushed some hair out of his face gently. "Why didn't you call me, Simon?" You asked quietly. "I would have asked Price for some time off earlier."

"Embarrassing." Ghost whispered, his voice hoarse from disuse. 

"You're sick, that's not something to be embarrassed about." You spoke. 

"I shouldn't be." Ghost shook his head. "I'm better than this. I'm better than this... depression, this weakness." You smiled sadly. 

"That isn't how it works, Simon... You got injured, you got put out of work, you lost someone really important to you. You're allowed to be struggling. It doesn't make you weak." You said softly. "But you'll get out of this. I'll help you, okay?" 

Ghost didn't say anything, turning his head so he faced the other direction. You sighed and put a hand on his back. Ghost felt his heart drop at that and he wasn't even sure why. "Simon..." 

"You can't fix this, okay? You can't fix me." Ghost said. 

"I'm not trying to fix you. I'm trying to help you feel better. There's a difference." You explained. "Now come on. Sit up for me, okay? I got you some water and it's getting warm." He shook his head and you stared at him for a minute. Your heart hurt, seeing him like this. 

You were stronger than you looked and you stood up, grabbing him under his arms and flipping him, dragging him to sit up against the back of the bed. He looked indignant at this, too surprised to really do anything about it. You sat back down on the bed, grabbing the water and holding it out to him. "I'm not letting you waste away anymore. Now drink. At least half of it, please." You asked. 

He looked at you for a moment, like he was going to say something, but he eventually complied, grabbing the glass with shaky hands and taking a few sips until it was gone. He was thirstier than he thought, and the cold water felt good against his throat. 

"Thank you." You smiled at him and took the glass back. "Do you feel up to eating something? I just brought crackers, nothing big. You didn't really have much anyways." You said. He nodded silently. You opened the pack for him and got a few saltines out for him, handing them to him. He ate a few. He was ashamed of himself, being taken care of like this, having let himself get this weak. He was better than this. The thoughts brought tears to his eyes and that made him feel worse. 

He wiped at his face and sniffled. "This is pathetic. I don't cry. Why am I crying?" 

You set the crackers aside, putting a hand on his leg. "You're allowed to cry. It's not pathetic. Crying is good. It's better than holding everything in." You assured him. 

He looked away, the tears finally falling down his face. He didn't say anything else and neither did you as you pulled him in for a hug. He buried his face in your neck and just silently let the tears fall, his shoulders shaking. You held him gently, rubbing his back and rocking a little. You hated that he was so upset. You hated he got this bad and you weren't here to help him through it. You tried not to think about it; you were here now and that's what mattered. 

He pulled away when he calmed away and he rubbed his face. "I'm sorry." He apologized, looking at the wet patch on the shoulder of your shirt. 

"It's okay." You reassured. "It's a shirt, it will dry. You're more important, I promise." 

He wasn't sure what to say. He didn't feel important. 

"How long has it been since you showered?" You asked him. He shrugged, embarrassed at this answer. 

"I don't know. It's been a while." He said. You nodded. 

"Okay. How about this? You get in the shower for me; you don't even have to wash up if you don't feel like it, you can sit in there if you want. And I'll help you shave. And then I'll leave you alone for a while, okay?" You asked. You wanted him to at least feel a little better and showering and shaving helped with that a bit, you knew. 

He hated that he let himself get this bad. He knew you wouldn't let this go, though. "Okay. I guess." He said quietly.

You were grateful that he didn't argue with you. "Thank you. I'll get you some clothes, you can go ahead and shower if you want." You said. 

He nodded. He dragged himself out of bed and stretched, his bones cracking and his muscles stiff and sore from laying there for so long. He limped his way to the bathroom (a side effect of the energy that resulted in his retirement) and you went to his closet, trying to find some clothes for him. You ended up grabbing some sweatpants, a hoodie, and a towel for him.

You knocked on the door and opened it. Ghost had already gotten into the shower. You set the clothes and towel on the counter for him. "Come get me when you're done, okay?" You asked. He hummed in response and you left him to his own devices. 

You cleaned up his bedroom a little while he showered, waiting for him to finish. 

He eventually stepped out of the bathroom and spoke up, "Hey." 

"Hey." You smiled at him. "Feeling any better?" You asked. He nodded. 

"Yeah, kind of. Thank you." He said quietly. 

"Of course, Simon. That's what I'm here for. It's what friends do." You said softly, setting a hand on his shoulder. "Now come on, let's go work on shaving." You led him back to the bathroom.

There was already a stool in there for when he had to sit to do things so you were glad for that. You sat him down and started digging through his cabinets for what you needed, pulling out a razor, a washcloth, and some shaving cream. 

"Ready?" You asked. He nodded. You turned on the warm water and wet the washcloth, wiping his face with it gently. When his face was wet enough you got some of the shaving cream on your hands and rubbed it on his face, careful not to make too much of a mess with it. 

You grabbed the razor and wet it under the running water. You started at the sides of his face, pressing down gently and dragging the razor along. You did your best not to nic him. You washed the razor off after each swipe and were just as gentle each time you went back. 

Ghost watched your face as you focused. Your eyes were intense and the tip of your tongue stuck out a little. It was kind of cute. 

When you were finished, you grabbed the washcloth and wiped his face again, getting rid of any extra shaving cream and blood from any small wounds he might have. 

You helped him stand up and look in the mirror. He stared at himself for a minute. It was refreshing, seeing himself looking nice for on7ce. His hair wasn't a greasy mess and he was clean-shaven for the first time in months. It made him feel a little bit better about himself. It gave him a little hope, he realized. Maybe he could do this. Maybe things would be okay. 

"Thank you." He said quietly, making eye contact with you in the mirror. 

You smiled softly. "It's what friends are for."

[argreion]

Cuts and Band-aids

Val Here — So, uh, stupid self-indulgent fluff? I really badly just want to have a domestic life with Leon, you don't understand. I need to be stupid and laugh at his shitty dad jokes. Then play with his hair and fall asleep with cuddles. I am a simple woman, am sorry guys… Also going off Google with this.

(Also Tumblr decided to hide this for an hour so uh... Yeah, that happened. 😭 Am I making a big deal out of it? Yes. That shit literally scared me.)

Warnings — None, just fluff. And slightly OOC Leon, cause I like goofy Leon. Ok, maybe pretty OOC Leon but I think Domestic Leon and Mission Leon are pretty different ngl… Also, shit writing too, dialogue isn't my strong suit. 😭

All this started with was cuddling in bed one night, being curious about one simple thing…

“Could I possibly shave your stubble, Leon?” An innocent question, as a gesture of affection towards him; something small and sweet.

Surprising him, as he proceeded to check his phone. Looking over his shoulder with shocked eyes, nodding in response.

“Sure.”

“Am I doing this right?” You asked as you applied shaving cream to the lower half of his face. Sitting up on the bathroom counter, with Leon leaning into you slightly. Watching him appear like a cat, scratched under the chin with a shit-eating grin.

“Mhm, I hope you know the basics of shaving. Do you need some private lessons on this, hm? Do I have to be Mr. Kennedy? Private shaving tutoring with Mr. Kennedy?” Leon purred, allowing you to maneuver his face in whatever way you wished. Feels like a model with a brush on his face, beauty at its finest.

“Uh, I know the thing about the grain. Against the grain?” Ok, maybe you didn't exactly know how to shave. It seemed harder to shave a face, rather than arm hair or leg hair. You didn't even have facial hair, so you had no room to talk in such a department. “How do you do against the grain?”

Aw, you poor, poor thing…

Leon sighed, explaining as you continued to cover his face in shaving cream; with the brush he provided ever so courteously, “'Ight, so, it ain't like shaving an arm. At least in my opinion, 'cause my opinion is absolutely amazing, and you shouldn't put cereal before milk.”

Ok, smart ass, maybe you'll be a lunatic and do milk before cereal… Sike.

“That opinion is shit, and you know it.” You laughed, putting the shaving brush away on the bathroom counter. Watching as Leon proceeded to ready the razor, like a jeweler appraising a diamond. Leon often looked this way when he cleaned his gun.

“Maybe you're the one with a shit opinion, ion know.” He chuckled, sliding the razor into your hand. “There, now it's time for Mr. Kennedy to work his charm and school you on shaving.”

Leon coughed, his face taking on a 'dignified' look as he raised his eyebrows and pursed his lips. Taking your hand in his, and giving you a hands-on approach toward his shaving.

Gently guiding your hand in a way that went against the way his facial hair grew. A slight sound came from it, and bits of hair following the trail.

“So, miss, what do you notice?” This 'teacher' asked, letting you do the second swipe yourself. Arms crossed over his chest, seemingly pleased with his shit attempt at teaching you.

“That you look very stupid? Or the fact that you missed a spot?” You answered, taking his jaw in your hands to move his face in an appropriate direction. He did, in fact, miss a spot. Poor man's ego probably took a hit.

“Damn it.” Leon sighed, his expression falling as he let his face rest. Letting out a faint hum as he watched your face focus; such care in doing something so simple.

“Seeing you focus is adorable, y'know?” He now said, was he attempting to woo you further? As if cheesy jokes, blanket hogging, and a breakfast lover weren't already enough. Focusing was his new target?

“I'm charmed, but I have a man at home.”

Shaving his face was a little over halfway done, having to do underneath his jaw and possibly his mustache. Seeing Leon raise an eyebrow at you as you began to do underneath his jaw. Oh really, a man at home? Oh my, what could ever be his name?

“I bet I could be better than that man.” Of course, you could be, dumbass. It's literally you.

“I dunno, he's definitely charming, but he's a bit of a... What's the best word? Clod? Dolt? Dumbass?” There were multiple words to describe Leon at points. The way he would burn his mouth when eating, knock things over, clearly need glasses, and proceed to not wear a damned motorcycle helmet. How many times did you yell at him? Then he would proceed to give a sheepish smile, runoff, and come back saying, “So, uh, honey! My motorcycle crashed on the freeway!” Absolute dumbass, but it was sweet. He was sweet.

He was sweeter than honey, almost too sweet. Seeing as he always kissed your knuckles or palms. An aged cat that just wanted to be loved, and love back.

“I bet he's delighted you call him such wonderful names. I'll call you... Amore mio bellissimo.” Leon purred, looking up to catch himself in the mirror. A smile graced his face, alongside a cut. The sudden movement of him moving his face caused the blade of the razor to cut him. Seeing a now thin, bright red mark on his jaw.

Oof, you did a little fuck-up. “Err... Band-aid?” You suggested, face a little uncertain as he brushed a finger over it. “Kind of moved your face, should've learned this now.”

“I know.” It was all he responded with, letting himself stare into his soul. A little creepy, but he often dazed off into his own world. Doing paperwork, before bed, coming from a mission, and when you showered together, too.

“Stop looking gloomy, gumdrop.” Gum drop? That just randomly popped out of your mouth. Ew, you're starting to sound like Leon when he's drunk. Clinging to you like a child, crying that you're so good to him. Delighted and honored, he held you in such a high regard.

“Gumdrop? I've rubbed off on you, honeybun.” He teased, that signature Kennedy toothy smile appearing. Cute little dimples on his face. Damn you.

Why did your face feel warm? A groan came from your lips as he had successfully wooed you in the stupidest ways. Reaching behind you into the band-aid box, feeling around for at least one normal-sized band-aid. Leon, why'd you always buy the big ass ones?

While you did that, Leon finished the rest of his face, splashing water all over his face as he finished. Rubbing underneath his eyes, muttering to himself that he needed to do something with his eye bags. Good, he's distracted...

Maybe you did like to fuck around and find out. Being able to fish out a Hello Kitty band-aid. Heh, you can play the small stupid game of pranks as well. Well, this wasn't exactly a prank. But it usually got a rise out of him in small ways. Pulling the back off and sticking it quickly on his face.

Was he appalled? Possibly, seeing as he stood there for a second. Maybe multiple seconds? Why did a small cold sweat break down your neck as he glanced towards you? Lips pursed as he judged the 'fashion choice' of such a band-aid.

“What's this dog again?” Leon asked, squinting as he turned his face to get a better look. That's right, he didn't even know what Hello Kitty was, did he? It was basically something for girls, and judging by the way he would watch raunchy cartoons. Yeah, he wouldn't know it's Pompompurin. It was too out of his league.

“That, my friend, is Pompompurin. Big name, I know. I botched it, so many times, till a little teenager screamed at me for it.” You laughed, recalling the small memory of it. Pausing as Leon gave a kiss to your cheek. More red blooming on your cheeks. Quick and sly, always the way he was.

“Well, guess I get to have a pee-colored band-aid on my face now, huh? Multiple kinds of hydrated, too.” Duly noted, never introduce you to a dog or Sanrio ever again. Only took ten seconds in, and you had to say something flavorful. No, something you want to slap him respectfully for.

“You always ruin cute things, God damn.” Never got old, you respectfully ruined the other. He got pee-colored band-aids, and you got a drive-by ass-wise. The equal playing field in this relationship.

“You just can't appreciate my art, can you?” He questioned, giving another kiss on your cheek before proceeding with his normal morning routine.

“You can't appreciate the art of me learning to shave your stubble? Not even a thank you?” Reusing his words in a way against him, watching him roll his eyes and meet your gaze.

“Thank you, babe.” Was all he said to make a small smile appear on your face. Earning a kiss on his lips.

“Love you.”

“Love you too, maybe pee colored band-aids are go—”

“Oh, shut the actual fuck up.”

[dudecreature]

Clean Shaven

Pairing: [Established] Price x GN! Reader Synopsis: Price shaves his beard after a mission goes haywire. Word Count: 2.7k Warnings: descriptions of razors A/N: I feel like I was MIA (´～`) it is finals season after all. - the reader's callsign is Bullseye (they're a sniper and I am unoriginal lol) and - we are definitely not going to talk about how I had to google whether a movie would be on a DVD or a CD... - Enjoy! Like and reblog if you did <3

“Fuckin’ HELL. Soap!”

“Price! Shite! I’m so sorry!!”

That is all that was heard over the comms. You and Gaz shot a mix of concerned and confused looks at each other on the rooftop they were currently located. Soap and Price were the ones to infiltrate the building to find the information they needed, then blow it all to hell. You were there to provide sniper assistance and Gaz was there to fly the helicopter (he got his license and no way in hell was he going to let anyone else do that. not with his track record). 

“Price, Soap. How copy?” Gaz said through the comms. There was silence for a short while, but you could still see movement through the windows of the compound. They seemed like they were still alive and hopefully uninjured. you kept your eyes through the scope tracking both men through the building, waiting with bated breath to hear back from them. 

“Guys, how copy?” You had asked over the comms after Gaz had already asked twice. It was frustrating silence, but you understood not having a safe opening to answer comms. Suddenly the comms crackle back to life from their end.

“Copy fine Bullseye, nice an’ crispy.” Price sounded angry and he hesitated at the last bit. Soap was going to get it this time. According to the mission, the team needed to get as much information as possible, and then blow the place to smithereens. Price knew what they were looking for, and Soap liked to make things go boom. The pairing made sense at the time. 

You looked at Gaz in bewilderment 'What the hell is he talking about?' printed across their faces. Gaz could only shrug, he knew as much as you did. Soap and Price ended up splitting through the rooms. Price headed to the office where all of the files were stored and Soap to find the weak points of the buildings. 

"Soap I've got as much as I can find. You ready to detonate those planted bombs, mate?" Price's gruff voice sounded in your ear. You smile to yourself, proud of the man as always. In and out with no injuries, as it should be. Soap chatters off an excited reply and the two exit the building. 

You watch through the scope of your rifle as the two stealthily exit the building. You notice that something seems… off about Price. You can sense the scowl from where they are from a hundred meters away. He looked a little different, though you couldn’t quite place it. 

You could finally place it once the two had gotten closer. Soap trailed behind a grouchy Price. Oh... Oh no... Oh no no no. You now understood why Price was so grouchy. 

Half of his beard was burnt off. The left half of his face looked naked, the hair on his face was half burnt. The charred hair traveled from his nose all the way up his cheek and near his ear. Barely missing his precious hat.

“What the hell happened to you?” You were unabashedly shocked at what you had seen. You trodded up to the pair with Gaz at their side, Bullseye and Gaz stared at their captain in awe. The former had packed their things quickly to get out of there quickly. You had gotten in close to assess the damage to his beard, their hands ghosting over his cheek and above his lip. 

“I’m fine darling, don't fuss ‘bout it.” He paused and shot a thumb back at a very remorseful Soap and said “This one was playin' with a lighter he found and lit my beard on fire.” His hands found yours and held them while you traced his cheekbone. He looked down at them with tender eyes, appreciating the fact you were worried about him, but hated the look on your face. He leaned down to their left ear, the intact half of his beard scratching their face slightly, and whispered to them,

“Jus’ a bit of cosmetic damage.” He kissed your cheek and neck quickly before moving to get in the helicopter. You sighed at the loss of contact, threw your stuff on the bed of the helicopter, and climbed in. Gaz at the wheel the group got into the air and flew over the enemy compound. With confirming word from Price, Soap excitedly detonated the bombs he had placed and the place erupted into flames and fell to rubble in a matter of seconds. You could almost feel the heat of the flames that engulfed where the building once stood. 

You looked to Price to admire him, only to catch his eye. You smiled softly at the captain and looked down at what was left of his beard. He saw this and touched the charred hair, cringing at how different it felt. It had been a while since he could feel the wind on his upper lip, it made him shift his mouth awkwardly. He needed a reflection to judge just how bad it was, and to decide how he would deal with it. 

Price knew that his lover liked his beard, you had often commented on how it tickled when they kissed (among other things *wink wink*), and would help him groom it on occasion. His beard was a staple of his look, aside from his hat, and having to part with it gave him a sense of anxiety he hadn’t ever felt before. He worried how his Bullseye would feel if he had to shave it all off, maybe he could keep a little of it just to hopefully keep them with him. He was snapped out of his thoughts when Bullseye bumped his shoulder.

“Hey, it’ll be alright love, it grows back.” You said with endearment. He huffed a response and scratched awkwardly at his face still. When the group arrived back to base Price was able to hide the accident behind his hand in the debrief, the darkness of the room aiding him. Once the four were dismissed he was the first to leave the room, bustling down the halls praying no one saw him. 

You followed at a slower pace, allowing for the man much-needed space from everyone. When you arrived at the door of their shared room you knocked gently calling out for him. When you had heard a response you then asked if you could join him. The door suddenly opened and he looked down at them with a look in his eyes that you were not able to place.

“It’s your room too you know, of course you can come in,” he grumbled and made space for them to make their way into the room. 

“I know, I just wanted to give you the option of having a moment to yourself, love.” Bullseye responded in a soft and caring tone. You knew how much he liked his facial hair, and he also knew how much you liked his facial hair. However, you wanted to check in on him first. you sat on the shared bed and patted the spot next to them, offering a seat to the Captain.

He sat down next to them with a soft sigh and leaned his head on their shoulder. you were trying to comfort him and he knew this. Accepting the gentle affection and support, he closed his eyes and took a deep, steadying breath. He wasn't the type to talk about his insecurities or when he was feeling anything but confident, but there was something inherently trustworthy about Bullseye. It had drawn him in the first time they had met so many years ago.

“Will you help me fix this?” he asked in a soft tone. you nodded and stroked his back. As he stood, you stood with him and followed him into his personal bathroom. you knew where everything was, so you pulled out the scissors, shears, and the razor and shaving cream. Taking a washcloth, you had run it under warm water and heated it to a very comforting temperature. Price was pushed to sit on a chair that was brought into the bathroom, right in front of the large mirror. Bullseye stood in front of him as you wrung out the washcloth of excess water. When you turned, Price was looking up at them, with so much love in his eyes one would think that he hadn’t been a hardened soldier for nearly two decades. 

you smile softly at the man, gently take his hat off, and place the warm cloth on the bottom half of his face. After a few silent minutes, you took the washcloth off and wiped as much of the grime left on his face as you could. You took your time and were able to admire the man's face. The way his eyebrows furrowed when they got close to his eyes. The straight bridge of his nose and the crow's feet developing near the corners of his eyes. You suddenly broke the silence as gently as you could.

“Are we trying to salvage the chops or are we going for a clean shave?” you ran their hands through the right half of his face, scratching at the salvaged portion of the beard. He grumbled and his top lip twitched in thought. you waited patiently for the man to make up his mind and you ran your fingers through his hair, massaging his scalp. 

“Do you think it can be saved?” he asked slightly hopeful, but honestly he knew there was no chance of saving it. He ran a gentle hand down the burnt hairs on his face and sighed; he looked up at them catching their eyes. you shook their head solemnly, just as he figured. “Clean-shaven it is then, love.”

you nodded in response and grabbed the army-issued shaving cream and his straight razor. you gather some of the shaving cream into the palm of their hand before gently lathering it over his cheeks, and chin. 

“Ready?” you ask, looking at him waiting for an answer. He took a deep breath and nodded, his eyes still looking at you. They never left. Bullseye takes the handle of the razor and carefully glides it down his right cheek. The sharp blade takes all of the hair with it leaving the soft skin of his cheek exposed to the air. 

Bullseye wipes the stolen hair onto a towel next to the sink. Readying for another stroke you look down at Price, his eyes closed in a relaxed state. You smile to yourself and continue their actions, curving with the shapes of his face, and being careful not to knick him. 

After you had fully finished shaving his face (you even cleaned up his eyebrows a little), you put the washcloth back onto his face. It had been rewarmed by the water. Ensuring to get all the leftover hair off, you then put his aftershave on his cheeks. 

Price had then opened his eyes when he felt the slight sting of the aftershave, but he didn't flinch. He hesitated before looking from their eyes to the mirror. When he did he was slightly shocked, he had forgotten how much older the beard had made him look. His beard definitely added about 5 years to his looks. After examining his face for a few moments, he looked back to the other person in the room.

“Well… how do I look, darling?” He looked up at you expectantly (and with so much rizz). You chucked at the goofy face he made and shook your head with a smile. 

“You look as pretty as always.” You shoot back at him. You turn around and begin cleaning up the impromptu barber shop. He stood up from his seat and admired your work, his hand rubbing where his chops once were. Once you had finished cleaning up your station you had turned back around to face him. You wrapped your arms around his torso and smiled at him lovingly.

“Do ya wanna go watch a movie?” you ask him. The common room would be a good place for you to both unwind (in the most wholesome of ways). All you wanted to do was curl up with him and watch one of the movies on base. He hummed a confirming nod and squeezed you back. He led the way to the common room after you separated.

Price was thankful for the lack of people in the halls, he didn't want to have to deal with the odd looks and stares he would likely have gotten if there were anyone there. The two of you made your way through the halls, your pinkies intertwined, gently guiding each other. 

As the two of you make it to the common room, you cross over the threshold of the doorway and are greeted by three other figures. Gaz, Soap, and Ghost have already claimed the common room as their choice of relaxation. The three men notice your presence at roughly the same time, and an awkwardly tense silence fills the space. The three of them, with their heads all locked onto the two of you still frozen in the doorway, shock visible in each of their faces.

Soap’s face configures from shock to that of what looked like genuine horror. Ghost’s eyes were wide and unmoving from Price’s face and Gaz’s mouth hung open, unable to comprehend the new look their Captain was given. You managed to stifle your laughter but a smile still tugged its way to your cheeks, you had never seen them so emotive before. Price sighed and tried to hide his face saying

“Take a bloody picture, it’ll last longer you muppets,” he grumbled aggravated at the attention.

“Did I do that?!” Soap yelled at a volume able to burst ear drums. He leapt from his seat on the couch and stood in front of Price with his head bowed downward.

“I am so sorry, Price!” he all but wept in the older man's arms at the apology. The silence from the other two men in the room was noticed when you and Price found yourselves looking at them, waiting for their input on the situation.

Ghost stayed still as ever, unmoving and steady.

“Put it back,” he muttered, barely audible. You make a noise of confusion, that Ghost reads as if you were not able to hear him.

“Put. It. Back.” he says with a more stern tone. You burst out a laugh unable to contain it. They all look at you in confusion and when you notice you stumble something about how stupid the three of them look right now. Gaz still mouth wide open finally shuts it and states very proudly

“Well, I think it looks great. You have a very handsome face.” His arms are crossed over his chest and he is nodding in confidence. Price deadpans at his statement and sighs for what feels like the millionth time that day. His beard was going to grow back totally gray at the rate of these idiots.

You put your hand on the top of Price’s back and tell the team that the two of you were going to wind down with a movie of Price’s choice. After the initial shock had worn off the two still on the couch, they agreed. Soap however still looked upset at himself, and every time he looked at Price he frowned a little more.

Price pulled the man aside and barely within earshot tells Soap he wasn’t that mad about it, but he would be on bathroom and dish duty for the next four months. You chuckle to yourself at his punishment and ready the movie on an old DVD player that Gaz had brought to the base. Classic Price chose a Clint Eastwood movie to watch.

The two of you curled onto the loveseat together while the other three sat on the couch. Price held your hand the entire movie and when you leaned to whisper into his ear he leaned down to hear you.

“How long will it take to grow back… Ghost wants to know." That last bit was definitely a lie. Price knew this, chuckled, and pushed your face away from him. You let out an undignified noise and kissed his hand looking at him. You smiled and mouthed the words that he would parrot back to you for the rest of your lives. 

“I love you.”

[mewhenimanangel]

everywhere ʚɞ miles morales

pairing: 42!miles morales x reader

synopsis: miles finally asks to take you out.

wc: 2.3k

warnings!: swearing, kissing, making out, google translate spanish

prev ʚɞ

it'd been a week since miles invited you over and thanks to him, you got your grade up. the week had been full of flirting, whispering and laughing during class, texting all the time, him and his friend joined your table at lunch, and him finding any excuse to touch you.

in physics he kept his knee touched against yours, he would "drop" a pencil or whatever so he could hold your thigh using it to support himself while reaching for it. when he sat behind you in math, you would feel him touching your curls or your shoulder every now and then. when you would pass a paper back to him his fingers always reached out far enough to touch yours.

it was thursday afternoon on the walk home from school, safiya didn't come to school that day so it was just you and miles. "no because why did she say that like is that bitch really insane" you laughed. "shit is crazy for real" miles agreed, grabbing an arizona. you were currently in lenny's bodega heating up a beef patty - the last one how ironic, debriefing with miles about your day at school. "no fighting bout it this time?" lenny chuckled, ringing you guys up. "nah, he willingly agreed to share this time" you giggled.

you continued walking, both of you munching on your respective halves. you said something that made the both of you laugh and miles just stared at your smile, he wants that image stained in his brain. "alright, what. stressing me out with the staring" you joked, feeling a little awkward. "nothing" he laughed off before continuing. "will you let me take you out?" he asked you. all of a sudden you were nervous and looking around with a doofy grin on your face. "okayy. where?" you threw your trash in a nearby bin.

"it'd be a surprise. actually not really a surprise but on saturday, would you come?" he asked. "yeah i'll go on a date with you" you smiled. he pressed his lips together to hide the big smile that was growing on his face. he laughed out "okay alright, cool. i'll let you know the time" "okayy bye" you kissed him on the cheek and went up your block.

ʚɞ

it was friday night and you were rummaging through your closet for an outfit to wear. you groaned out a sigh and grabbed your phone opening miles' contact.

you pressed face time and waited for him to pick up. "yeah?" his prowler distorted voice answered. you looked at your phone to see him on what looks like to be a roof, prowler gear on. "oh shit sorry, didn't know you were doing your prowler stuff." you said, about to hang up. "nah it's fine, m'not busy right now" he told you, prowler voice turning off. "need something?" he asked you. "miles where are we goingg" you whined. "its a surprise, you can't handle surprises?" he chuckled. "i don't know how to dress for surprises. i don't know what to wear" you sighed. "you look good in everything, don't over think it."

"yeah well i wanna look good for you" you rolled your eyes. he scoffed "you literally always look so good, chiquita relax." suddenly there was a loud bang in the distance and he shot his head over his shoulder. "you'll figure it out. aight i gotta go" he said, prowler voice back on. he quickly hung up and you sighed, going to the kitchen to make a chicken wrap for dinner. this was a 3 am you problem.

ʚɞ

you got in the shower to shave, exfoliate, and scrub your body. getting out of the shower, you put on a face mask letting it set before you came back to do your skincare routine. you sat in your mirror to put product through your curls, deciding to let them down past your shoulders.

you finished your makeup and got dressed in the outfit you'd picked after a few hours of searching. you decided on a short strapless black dress and a gold chain belt that hung around your hips and chunky loafer heels. you decorated yourself with two layers of gold jewelry and your mom's earrings she'd given you.

you admired your look in the mirror before leaving to go in the living room. your dad looked over at you and furrowed his eyebrows "where you going all dressed up?" he asked, pausing his show. "i literally told you i was going out tonight" you scoffed, grabbing your purse. "with who?" he asked you. "miles.." you answered in a small voice. "that damn boy again?! y/n you're not-" daddy please, you literally already said yes. plus he's downstairs already. please please pleaseee" you begged, leaning over the chair in his face.

"ughh alright fine! but that location stays on all night and when i call, you answer. aight?" he bargained. "yayyy thank you daddy" you gave him a quick peck on the cheek before running to grab your purse and jacket. "okay i gotta go byeee" you ran out the door, and down the building stairs. you were about to open the door but miles was on the other side about to do the same thing. "oh hey. was gonna come and ask if you were still coming" he joked. "sorry, stuff with my dad" you smiled.

he took the time to really take you in. the way your curls perfectly framed your face, the way your gloss made your lips shine, the way your necklaces graced your collarbones, the way your dress hugged against your waist. "wow. you look amazing..you look like elegant and shit" he chuckled, feeling a little nervous. "here, they're for you" he smiled, handing you a bouquet of red roses. he reached out to hold your hand, leading you down the street. "ahh thank you" you didn't know what to say, compliments made you awkward.

"you look reall good too by the way" you checked him out. he wore a pair of grey pants with a black short sleeve top and jordans, black jacket over it. "tried my best to look as nice. i don't be dressing like that"he shrugged. "well you look very nice anyway" you squeezed his face.

"can you tell me where we're going now?" you asked him going down the metro stairs. "rockefeller" he answered with a smile. "to do what?" you furrowed your eyebrows. "skating" he answered leading you to a seat. "aw i haven't done that in so long. i used to go with my mom" you told him. "i know, safiya told me." he rubbed a thumb over your knuckles and only now did you realize neither of you had let go.

"you're such a sweetheart, i never would've guessed" you said. "what do you mean?" "i don't know. like i would've never thought we'd be going on a date. or that you would be so thoughtful" you shrugged. "i'm full of surprises, chiquita" he said with a smug look on his face. "yeah whatever" you giggled, resting your head on his shoulder.

you were still hand in hand walking to the entrance to purchase your tickets. “okay well now i feel overdressed” you sulked, taking off your heels. “nah you look good. don’t be afraid to show everybody else up” he got in his knee in front of you and helped you put your feet into the skates. thank goodness you wore socks. he looked up at you and the action felt so intimate while he gently placed your right foot in the skate.

soon after he put his skates on and put your bag and shoes in a locker. he took your hand again and helped you walk out on the rink. you were immediately losing your balance, throwing an arm around his shoulder to hold you steady. “aight i swear safiya told me you used to do this all the time.” he laughed. “only sometimes! and i never actually learned” you giggled.

unlike your clumsy and struggling to find balance movements, miles was smooth and moving with ease, hand on your waist to keep you up right. “how do you know how to skate” you asked him. “unlike you, i actually tried to learn” he joked.

for the majority of the time you stayed close the walls using them to move without making a fool of yourself. miles slowed down to match your pace, practically showing off how easy it came to him.

“alright come on” suddenly he was in front of you and grabbing your hands to pull you out in the middle. “alright wait wait wait wait” you frantically put your hands on his arms. “aye you need to learn chica. hold my hands and watch my feet” he told you. you followed his instructions as he pulled you along, yet yours remained unmoving.

he laughed “you know you gotta move yours too right. just copy how i’m moving mines but in the other direction”

he was in control but you followed his movements and eventually got the hang of it, enough to even move on your own. “atta girl, it ain’t even that hard” he smiled at you and you geeked at his praise. he grabbed your hand again and turned your body in a little twirl. which wound up with you falling into his chest nearly sending him to the ground. “aight so we not that far yet” he laughed. he looked at you before pressing a kiss on your lips.

you continued skating until your time slot was up and you got your things and left. “hungry?” he asked you. you nodded your head and responded with a small mhm before he led you down the street to a cozy restaurant.

you sat down and he ordered a plate of appetizers for you both. you talked the whole time throughout the meal, laughing your ass off. he excused himself for a moment and you kept your eyes on him watching as he found your waiter and told him something.

he came back after a minute and sat down and you guys got back to talking. after a few minutes your waiter came back with two plates, one with a raspberry brownie with fudge and one with strawberry caramel cheesecake - your favorite. he put the plates down and sent a wink to miles before walking away.

you looked down at the plate and it had the words ‘will you let me be your boyfriend?’ written in caramel drizzling. you gushed and bit your lip to hide the huge grin that spread across your face “ohh my god i thought you were literally never gonna ask” you giggled. “is that a yes?” “yes, it’s a yes” you smiled. he leaned over to the table to kiss you, hand placed on your cheek.

you finished your desserts and miles paid the bill before you left the restaurant. you practically couldn’t stay off each other on the walk to the subway station, you arms were wrapped around his and when you complained that your feet were hurting he leaned down so you could climb on his back.

you sat down on the train and he rest a hand on your thigh while you laid your head on his shoulder. “still got one more thing to show you. you down?” he asked. “yeah, for whatever”

you got off and he led you back to his graffiti site. “now how i’m supposed to climb that fence in these heels” you twisted your mouth to the side. he chuckled. “i’ll go over first throw them over the wall and i’ll hold them till you get over duh”

you followed his instructions and hopped the fence before leading you down. there was a wall, once blank now decorated with your face, detailed and big across the wall. you looked so beautiful through his eyes. he moved up next to you and took your hand in his. “ughh you are so..” you didn’t finish your sentence you just put your hands up to his face and brought your lips to his in a heartfelt kiss.

he wrapped his arm around your waist to pull you in closer. his other hand moved to push your curl out of your face and at the back of your neck to deepen the kiss. his hand slid down to your ass making your lips part slightly and his tongue slid in your mouth. the blaring sound of your ringtone made you jump and you sighed seeing it was your dad calling. “hey baby, you on your way home yet? it’s getting late, think you’d better come inside” he told you.

“okay i’ll see you” you answered, hanging up the phone. “it’s my dad, he wants me home” you sighed. “alright let’s go” he said.

you hopped the fence again making your way out of the station. “your feet still hurt?” he asked you. “a little bit” you answered. “well then hop on madame” he joked, leaning down so you could get back on his back.

you talked the whole way home, literally talking his ear off as your chin rest by his shoulder. “sorry if i’m talking too much” you said. “no it’s okay i like listening to you.” you smiled and buried your face in his shoulder, hiding the giddy expression on your face.

he got to your apartment building and gently put you back on the ground. “i’m really glad you asked to be my boyfriend.” you told him. “i’m really glad to be your boyfriend” he smiled. you held his face and pressed your lips against his before pulling away. “goodnight miles” you said. “good night, hermosa” he said back, easing away as you walked in your house.

taglist ౨ৎ

@prettypink-princesss @itsnotino @r3d0n33 @iluvprowlermiles @jmsanchoo @stevenknightmarc @melllinaa @444morales @noetophat @bigdikzaddy

[nerdieforpedro]

Watch me and Touch it Querida

Santiago "Pope" Garcia x plus size female reader

Fanfiction is 18+ MDNI

Main Masterlist / Santiago Garcia Masterlist / Oscar Isaac Masterlist

Word Count: 4.4k

Summary: You have a crush on your long time friend Santiago. After the events of Columbia, he stays in your spare bedroom. You two make good roommates. Pope decides to ask you a question that you thought was just a throwaway. Turns out he was serious.

Warnings: Teasing, Hair worship (is this a thing? I guess it is now 👀), oral sex (female receiving), fingering (female receiving), unprotected P in V (wrap them thangs up), cockwarming, aftercare, bad jokes throughout (another Nerdie staple)

Notes: My first Santiago smut! I think I captured his essence. Maybe, Ya'll will have to let me know. Also, I apologize to anyone who actually plays guitar, I just looked up what Google said were the four basic chords.

The first clue should have been that he asked to stay with you. He had three other men, his brothers, that he could have stayed with. Especially since they don't talk about whatever happened last month. Santiago ‘Pope’ Garcia is a flirt of a man, has been since you’ve known him. You pay him no mind, his little compliments don’t phase you - much. He would call and text you in between deployments and later when he was out of the military. He’d also call when he was in the States or overseas consulting. Just checking in on you, he would normally lead with asking about how you were doing. Your mind constantly told you it’s the kind of thing he would do with  the guys except they likely have private jokes. Your heart tells you it might be more, but your mind usually wins with reasoning.

Him moving in went fine. Pope didn’t have much with him. A few duffle bags and a backpack. He took up your second bedroom and things were easy. Just fine. They guys joked that you two should have been roommates years ago since you got along so well. They’re not wrong, you just still need him to move out. Which is impossible to ask considering one of his friends just died on their trip, none of them will say how and even though they all still get along, neither Frankie, Will or Benny will let Pope stay with them. Suspicion is high that there’s some lingering resentment there, but it’s not your place to ask. You weren’t there. You don’t know and you’re not going to.

You haven’t seen any odd habits so far. He cleans up after himself, cooks every once in a while. No women have been in your guest room that you know of and you never want to know if they have. The conversations flow easily and he plays his guitar sometimes, letting you sit on his bed next to him while he plays different chords. Strong hands alternate between picking at the strings and strumming them, Santi softly hums a tune you’re not familiar with.  There was a Die Hard marathon you both watched together the other day. No red flags….which should have been red flag two for you.

He’s your friend. Almost a brother to you. You can’t be looking at how his polo shirts cinch around his waist and slight tummy or how they’re struggling with every thread on those biceps of his. The man has a million watt smile with curls to match, a dangerous five o’clock shadow, plush lips and warm chocolate eyes that focus on you when you speak. When he calls your name, you always exhale, it sounds perfect out of his mouth. Your thoughts haven’t even broached his thighs or that perfect curve he calls an ass when he asks you out of the blue. You’re minding your own business on the couch reading a book. Lying to yourself that you’re going to do less screen time this year.

“You think I should grow it out? I’ve always shaved it.” How long had he been thinking about this? Wait…shave what? Not his head right?! Not those curls. Curls that you’d snuck your hands in only a handful of times copying a noogie that Benny would do and only when the others were around. So silky with a touch of gray….He had asked a question. About his hair, shaving it…

“Santiago. Please don’t shave your head.” You pleaded, harder than you meant it to come out, but you were serious. It warranted your book closing and to look up at him. Why did he have to stand in front of you like that? Sure most people do that, but it’s not okay when he does it. You’re aware of this and the fact that you still haven’t told this man to move in with one of his brothers means you’re the  third red flag. At some point, you became okay with the idea of throwing away your friendship with Santiago. Oolging him when he’s not aware and looking forward when he’s away for a few days so you can think more about his merits and assets. Possibly with a few handheld aides.

He laughed at you and sat down on the couch. “No tonta (silly). Grow a beard. My facial hair grows pretty fast anyway. What do you think? You like facial hair on your men angel?” His shoulder nudged your arm. You chuckled at the thought that he joked about you having men. Pfft. Shaking your head, you playfully swatted his cheek, his rough stubble grazing your fingers. You made sure your hand came down to your knee, the desire to keep in on his face was too strong in the moment. 

“I think you could pull off a beard. You already have stubble half the time. Just don’t let it look raggedy Santi.” You smiled, trying to picture it. The most facial hair you’d seen him with was a mustache in pictures before Delta Force and he looked like a porn star. Hell he looked like one now. You need to stay focused, you’re having a conversation. If he did have one of those nice, maintained beards though…he might turn into an evil villain. They usually had some cool beards before getting thwarted by heroes. His grin at your very apparent compliment and distraction makes you lose the little focus you did have.

“Glad you believe in me. You didn’t answer my other question though.” Squinting your eyes, you’re confused for maybe the third time tonight. “Do you like facial hair on men or do you like them clean shaven?” He leaned in, very clearly expecting an answer. 

Frazzled, your answer matched your current state of mind, “I mean, more hair is always better than less hair. I love some friction, you know I’m used to it because of my thighs but that’s…it’s gotta be a different kinda of sensation when someone's doing it right and has a solid beard…” His wide eyes told you that you’d said too much. Way too much. You stood up and mumbled goodnight, cursing yourself and hoping that maybe he had another overseas contract soon. He grabbed your wrist  and stood with you.

“Is that what you like angel? Something for a different type of friction? Good to know. I take it you haven’t had that from what you said though. Sweet dreams cariño (dear).” Santiago said as he released your wrist. He knew damn well you weren’t going to sleep tonight and you didn’t. The next few days, he didn’t mention it and when you two met up with the guys and their girlfriends, he didn’t mention anything then either. By next week, you were sure it had blown over and he left saying he was going to be gone for two months. That was plenty of time to forget your mistake right?

The time came and went fast. Santiago was back…with a damn beard. It was black with gray strands at its edges. Letting his lips peek out from the oval of hair that formed around them. You looked, then turned and snuck another look. Angry that you did. Maybe he would shave once he got settled in. He greeted you with a hug, nuzzling his nose and jaw on your neck as he embraced you. You wanted to slap him for testing you, but maybe he didn’t remember, you also wanted to touch his face and kiss him to feel the hair on your face. Gazing up at him, his curls had grown out a bit more as well, more pronounced and larger. Pope said he was going to go take a shower and frankly, you felt you could use one too. Get these ideas out of your head. 

The first week is fine. A good amount of time spent with the guys both at bars, their places and in your apartment. The second week however was the kicker - Santiago had gotten some beard oil that smelled of cedar, jasmine and a hint of vanilla. You were thankful that Will wanted Santi to tag along with him this week for more motivational speaking engagements. Pope was out of the house and away from you smelling that damn delicious. 

As it was past 9pm on a Thursday, you were already in your oversized sleep shirt and panties. Not sexy at all. Not that you needed to be, you’re dancing around in your apartment. It’s something you haven’t done too much except when Santi’s out of town. It helped calm you and you could focus on the music and not your various worries, especially your thoughts about your roommate. 

Santiago unlocked the door to your apartment. He walked in and saw you in the living room. Swinging your hips, arms above your head. What should come on next but “Worth the Wait” by Kali Uchis & Omar Apollo. You’re singing along and moving with the music, it wouldn’t hurt to dance with you right? It’s not like he hasn’t danced with you around your home before, though that was usually to some boy bands that you would play because you knew he hated them. He took hold of your hands and interlocked his fingers with yours, his gaze on your surprised face as you stopped moving, but he brought one of your hands down and patted your hip to encourage you to continue to dance. The song is slow and the content is rather sensual. “Keep dancing cariño. With me.” Is the only thing he said as you two moved, your chests mere inches away from each other. He released your hands and placed them on your hips and yours immediately went to his beard. You figured if he’s going to dance with you like this, you may as well touch it. He let out a deep chuckle, leaning forward. Santi pressed his warm chest against yours, he spoke in your ear, “You like it, touch is querida (sweetheart)? I grew it just for you.” 

Your breath hitched when he said your name in your ear and his hands that had been on your hips, roamed your back. “Y-You did Santi? You didn’t have to…I..” His large hand ran up your neck and cupped the back of your head as he sang along to Kali’s next song “All Mine.” Your hands fell to his sides, pressing into his skin, kneading it. It would be embarrassing how moist your panties had become and that your nipples were hard as little pebbles if you didn’t feel the need to jump this man, but dancing is sweet and nice.

We’ll figure it out as we go, just you and me

But we won’t leave each other alone, that’s all mine

All me, all me All mine, All mine, all mio, mio, mi

All mine, all mine, all mio, mio, mi

Both of you continued to rock side to side until the song ended and Santiago stood to his full height. You wondered if maybe you’d gotten too lost in the music and had imagined everything. You hadn’t let go of him yet, if you weren’t hallucinating then that meant this just happened and maybe you could act on what you’d been feeling. “Santiago. What you just sung, did you mean it?” Your eyes scanned his face, you wouldn’t be distracted this time. He had essentially used a song to confess his feelings to you, but it needed to be said outside of a song. Pope took hold of your chin and smiled. 

“Yes I meant it. I know how you’ve been undressing me the entire time I’ve been here angel. I’m not an idiot. At least in that department. I’ll say I’m not great at long term relationships so we’ll take it how it goes, sí (yes)?” He offered. That was all you needed to cup his face, place your fingers in his beard and pull him in for a frantic kiss. He appeared surprised which made you grin as he parted his lips for you, quickly recovering and wrapping his arms around you pulling you toward him as you let him in, his tongue exploring your mouth. The groan you released was loud as you pressed your thighs together, feeling the wetness spread. You pulled out of the kiss and pulled him toward your bedroom. “Cariño, you sure?” He asked with slightly red lips. You answered by  pushing him onto the bed, hands on your hips, you scanned his body. He didn’t need to ask and you weren’t going to answer such a silly question. You smacked your lips at the tent in those damn cargo pants he always wore.

“Too many clothes Garcia. Take them off.” Your hands went to your hips. “Now.” Santiago hadn’t seen this side of you and was enjoying it. He was normally one to take charge in the bedroom. He removed his shirt, exposing his taut muscles that flexed as he fiddled with his belt and removed his boxers and pants in one drop. He kicked off his socks as he sat on the side of bed with his arms out. You stepped up to him but didn’t embrace him. Instead, you just dropped your soaked panties as they hit the floor, heavy with your own wetness. Santi looked down and muttered a soft, “fuck,” next you removed your shirt. Your curves on full display as he attempted to place his hands on your hips but you stopped him. “Up on the bed. I’m due some friction since you keep teasing it with me.” 

“¡Joder! (Fuck) , this is what you like huh? Being in charge? I’ll play along this time.” He slid back toward the top of the bed where you were expecting him in the middle.

“That’s where I’m supposed to be Santi. Move back down.” You motioned as the bed dipped, you crawled next to him and looked down at him. He smirked, damn grin. You wanted to pink he cheek, both sets. 

“No. If you’re going to take charge then you need the right seat angel.” He wiggled his eyebrows as you scratched your chin for a moment. It clicked, he wanted you to…no one’s ever asked that. Pope didn’t give you a choice about settling on his face gently. He turned on his side to grab your knees and pulled you over his shoulders, his breath on your slick inner thighs. “Look at you. You’ll drench me won’t you angel?” He turned his head to the side and rubbed his beard on your thigh, you brought your legs closer together and reached down, taking a handful of his curls while calling his name. 

“Dammit, you know how many nights I’ve thought about this, your curls and this beard? Don’t ever mention cutting your hair again unless I say so.” You growled, his nose tipped upward touching your clit momentarily before he drew back. “Fuck..you damn tease Santiago…” His hands roamed from your knees to your thighs and then your large ass, giving it a squeeze. It made you buck your hips and drop them, making your slick lips come into contact with his beard. Your yelp was sharp and followed by multiple curses as you heard Garcia laugh into your core. It didn’t matter now if he laughed, you were here, sitting on this man’s face. You dropped your hips to stifle him, calling his name as you sat. The sweet grate of his beard against your thighs and mound had you dripping.

Santiago had never seen you so feral. He was throbbing as he watched you cry out his name and felt his cock twitch when you pulled on his hair. He knew he had an effect on you but didn’t expect this. This was so much better than he could have imagined. Now that he could barely breathe, he opened his mouth, kissing your entrance before rolling his tongue around your tight hole. He estimated that he’d definitely need you come at least twice to accommodate him. He then had it pass your entrance to explore within you and he felt your strong pulses. He smirked again, hearing you scream as he went deeper before truly starting. He alternated hollowing out his cheeks to suck what felt like your uterus out of you and having his tongue press against your soft core. He was concerned for a moment that you may pull out a chunk of his hair, the way you were using his head to steady yourself as you grinded into his face. When he was pulling his tongue back to suck again, you screamed his name again and gushed, soaking his face, beard and neck. He drank as if he'd come in from a desert and you were the first source of water he’d come across. When your body relaxed, you fell forward and he slid from under you to lay next to you. Your face was sweaty and some of your hair was sticking to your forehead, one of your hands weakly came up to your face in an attempt to hide it but he grabbed it and kissed it gently.

“You asked me to strip so no hiding hermosa (gorgeous). You had your beloved friction?” He teased and you smiled, shaking your head. He didn’t forget that you said that. He remembers all the wrong things. He set your hand down on the bed and rubbed your back, “Ready for more? I’m going to need at least two more from you.” He explained and your eyes went wide. 

“I might have one…and that’s being generous of me. Why two?” You managed to prop yourself on your elbows but were still on your stomach. His hand continued to rub your back and slowly went to your ass, then a finger slipped into your sensitive sex, making you gasp. “Y-You need to warn someone when you do that…”

“That’s why, you’re a little too tight.” He kissed your shoulder and licked your ear, “those boys you’ve dealt with and your toys don’t prepare you for me querida.” His finger pumped slowly and as it reached deeper he added a second one, making you lift your right knee to allow yourself to open more. The squelching noises coming from your cunt had you whine as you gaze up at Santiago who was watching you, his gaze heavy. “I wonder which chord your pussy plays to angel?” He licked his lips and nibbled on your ear again before speaking again, “Em?” His fingers pumped into your straight, “how about C?” He curved his fingers slightly and your hips snapped, you opened your legs even wider as you began to wiggle against the mattress. 

Santiago stopped his fingers for a moment and flipped you on your back before adding a third finger and curling his fingers even more, “How about G?” His eyes were dancing, watching you pant from just his hand. You’re saying his name, but babbling angrily at him. He finds it adorable that you still have it in you to be angry. You could hold a grudge. He’ll fuck it right out of you. His free hand roams your wide stomach as you pull on the sheets around you and your legs continue to part for him, feet planted into the mattress as you move your hips with his fingers. He leans over you and kisses you gently to which you release the sheets and grab his head, digging into his curls again, biting his bottom lip. He draws back deciding to finish you. He wants to watch you as you climax this time, “let me give you chord D cariño.” Santiago crosses two of his fingers over each other, bends them slightly, hitting your spongy sensitive tissue. Your hands let go of his hair and grasp his forearms, digging your nails into them and you groan with your second climax, it feels stronger than the first as your back arches. He revels in watching your mouth wide open spilling with his name repeatedly, even the pain from your nails is welcome. He’s not normally into it being a bit rough, but he senses that you might not be aware of what you’re doing. He wouldn’t mention it now. Something else to tease you with later. 

Slowly you feel his fingers leave your drenched cunt, you feel like you’re floating but exhausted. Your eyes flutter, but you watch as he licks his fingers, hearing him moan as he does. It had your core stirring again. Having him take you apart, break you even though you planned to be much more assertive, initially you weren’t happy about it, but he’d done nothing except pleasure you since you’d ask him to strip. “S-Santi, do you want me to…” Your eyes trailed down to his swollen and dripping cock which looked thicker than any you’d had, even your dildos. You were understanding more why he made sure to prepare you first. 

“Not tonight. I bet you’re still pissed at me for teasing you. I know you hold onto a grudge like a dog with a bone, angel. You'll be a little less mad after I finish with you.” He rubbed his beard against your soft stomach before settling between your legs, “Ah! Damn it, I need a condom. I’ll have to go to my room, I have some-” His face went from smoldering to panicked, then to confusion as you reached down and gently gripped the head of his dick.

“I have an IUD Santiago. I’m not mad but, you’re not taking your cock out of me until it’s soft. I will be livid if you do.” His eyes were wide as your knees parted further and you brought his head to your entrance. He placed his hand over yours and moved it gingerly. You watched as he looked up at you.

“I didn’t realize you were such a dangerous woman. As my angel wants.” Santiago slid into your wet cunt halfway, watching you to see if you had any discomfort. It was slight, only from the stretch, he was so girthy. You growled at him.

“You’re not all the way in are you? I’m fine. Just move, Please Santi…” That famous grin spread over his face as he pushed forward until his hips were flush with yours. “Yes…that’s it…fuck it’s so much. This was in those damn pants? It isn’t enough that  you have that ass?” You managed a small giggle, reaching your hands to cup his face. “Fuck me while you kiss me with this beard you sexy bastard.”

“You’re so damn kinky cariño. I love it and you, too.” His lips crashed into yours as he started his pace, not bothering with slow as he drew back and gave deep thrusts that kept hitting your cervix. Moans between the two of you had your lips swollen as you kept needing to either bite, suck or release cries. His hands moved from your stomach to your knees, bending your legs back and tipping your hips upward slightly, hitting an entirely different angle. Santiago was up on his knees and had moved out of your reach so you placed your hands over his that were on the back of your knees. Between him rutting into you and the bending you were doing to try and touch any part of him, your insides were quivering again. You were close again already. 

“S-Santi..It’s…” You stuttered, in between your whines. He nodded as he felt you starting to clamp around him, he felt his balls tightening. Dropping one of your knees, he wrapped an arm around your back to bring you close to him, one hand went to his soft curls, now drenched with sweat and the other held the back of his neck as your thumb ran across his temple and grazed his beard. With a few more pumps, Santiago spilled into you, groaning into a rough kiss with you, his teeth nearly colliding with yours if you hadn’t had your tongue run along them. The sensation of him filling your core, had your third orgasm begin. Pope slowly dragged his softening cock along your walls to extend it, he kissed trailed down your neck. When both of your bodies stopped moving, Santi gave it a minute and went to pull out to which you wrapped your legs around him. 

“Not yet. Just inside, a little longer Santi.” You cooed, kissing his shoulder. He nodded and held you, as the both of you soaked in each other’s warmth. When you removed your arms from him, he took that to mean that he could move which he did. He went to your bathroom as you tried to sit up. He looked back to you and quickly motioned for you to stay on the bed. He returned with a warm washcloth after whipping himself off and opened your legs. The cool air had you let out a quiet sigh. 

“Careful, you keep sounding like that, I may have you ride my face again angel.” You laughed knowing you didn’t have the strength to do so no matter how tempting it sounded. He carefully wiped, making you flinch as your cunt was swollen and sensitive. Once he finished, he helped you sit up and helped you to the bathroom. After the clean up was done, you both returned to bed, getting under the sheets, you laid next to Santi  and twirled a finger in his curls. “Ven aquí (come here) cariño. You enjoy yourself?” He pulled your upper body onto his chest, preferring to be face to face with you.

“I did. I’m going to be sore for a few days, but it’s worth it.” A soft smile graces your face as does Santi’s. You peck his lips and lay your head on his chest. His laugh vibrates throughout his chest. His hands are once again on your back, stroking it. It’s relaxing. 

“Good to know I’m worth it angel. I was starting to think all your staring had you rethinking my beard.” You poked out your bottom lip and pinched his bicep. His hands grabbed your hips and jiggled the extra flesh you had on them. 

“You could have just asked you damn tease.” 

“Nah. I had to make you work for it a bit. I’m not an easy man cariño.” He kissed your forehead as his hands traveled back up to your back. 

“You’re near impossible is what you are, Santiago. You’re lucky I love you.”

“Yeah, that I do know querida. I love you too.” A comfortable silence fell over the two of you in each other’s arms, fully exposed to each other finally. 

Music from the fic:

Santi's Peaches 🍑: @for-a-longlongtime @legendary-pink-dot @maggiemayhemnj @morallyinept @megamindsecretlair @pedritapascal @rhoorl @dameron-grant-spector @pamasaur @sin-djarin @i-own-loki @soft-persephone @soft-girl-musings @readingiskeepingmegoing @saturn-rings-writes @yorksgirl @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin @musings-of-a-rose @heareball @angelofsmalldeath-codeine @magpiepills @trulybetty @wannab-urs @pedroshotwifey @missladym1981 @agentjackdaniels

[briar-rolfes-research-oubliette]

ON MONDAY, I (FINALLY) MADE IT ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE NEWEST ERAGON BOOK!

MURTAGH

“A Book I Read”

It took three very patient friends of mine to encourage me to finish reading this. I took notes the whole way through, and I am now sharing those in hope of finding loving community with my fellow haters.

Important context:

I loved Eragon, which came out when I was roughly eleven

Christopher Paolini was the first author to ever disappoint me

I used to love epic fantasy, until feminism, coming out, and learning about literary criticism made me just too mean to enjoy it

Since 2015, whenever I’ve had writer’s block, I’ve found inspiration by looking at this screenshot:

Christopher has managed to create a life where his mum has never stopped doing his laundry or his editing for him. He has never worked a job in his life. He has infinite time to work on his craft, and yet, with all of those advantages, he writes the way he does. I don’t hate him, but I do want to destroy him in single combat.

LET US BEGIN.

17 November 2023

I forgot how obsessed this man is with proving he knows rare words. Picking up my phone to google the word “trenchant”.

He really just didn’t want to say the dragon had a sharp sense of humour huh? Oh, no, it’s TRENCHANT. It wasn’t even for dialogue I identified as comedy but Murtagh thought it was TRENCHANT. He and Thorn have been alone in the wilderness for too long

NOT NASUADA BEING DESCRIBED AS HAVING ALMOND EYES

Of course the protagonist has grown a beard. He’s A Man Now.

I have a theory that this book is about coming to terms with marriage. Murtagh is like “our bond… our bond that lasts until death… the oldest magic… only the two of us understand each other. But, we’re also trapped with each other,” and I’m like hm. Fascinating. Say more

Instantly Murt befriends a child, to prove he is good really.

It’s so weird to read a book by a grown man with kids who is like “how did we all start out so innocent and pure…” like have you MET five year olds

This whole fork fight scene makes me feel second hand embarrassment deep in my soul. It’s SO This Guy Is The Best And Coolest

“Fencing with effortless ease” I do not care how well trained he is: you cannot kill four men with long swords by stabbing them with a little fork in “four hard impacts.” It’s just not happening.

I’m really dwelling on the idea of magic as “imposing your will” on something. It’s very.., something. Murtagh cleans his shirt by “imposing his will on the garment” like. Okay, I suppose in a way that is how all laundry is done, but it’s. Hm.

How come he’ll clean a shirt with magic but not shave with magic? Why are these books SO obsessed with beards and shaving and how to do shave and using magic for shaving etc etc, Eragon was also majorly preoccupied with this

Paolini’s got so many complexes on the page. All the “we’re half brothers and your dad killed my dad” stuff is A LOT

The naming stuff… SMH what would Ursula Le Guin say about all this

I’m obsessed with how even as (gasp) an OUTCAST!! Murtagh can’t not be the coolest guy ever for any time at all. It’s like a disease

Giving the child the enchanted killing fork was the worst decision ever made. Murtagh gives her a murder weapon and is then moping like “what’s it like… to live without killing…” literally pages later.

I’m really startled that Murt is delighted to see a tiny flying magical grass boat come down from the sky and circle him instead of being like “wtf, I’m being Watched,” which would be the true act of a man we are told is paranoid

I just got to the bit where Murtagh offhandedly says that magic users who “are the heaviest” always have the most spell reserves.

Like……… what???? Magic eats your fat?? It burns glucose??

You could be a better mage if you just, ate a bunch of raspberry frogs before each fight??????

It’s food powered??? You really want to go there, Paolini????? Wizards in the candy shop, eating sweeties like Mistborns?

GOD, if only Galbatorix had chugged a bottle of red cordial before his last big fight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I return after losing my mind about this to my partner for forty minutes)

If it was “if you’re hungry you can’t FOCUS” I’d get it. But I always assumed it was like, you know how other fantasy does it? Some kind of pool of ADDITIONAL energy that you are accessing and that can be used up (until you go too far and start using life force or whatever). Like, it’s CHANNELLING it that makes you tired, not that it’s literal food energy.

Murtagh is always running or doing his sword forms or whatever and now I’m like “DUDE, NO!!!?!? DON’T BURN YOUR WIZARD CALORIES!!?!?”

I like when magic can’t do EVERYTHING, when it’s consistent or limited in some way, but I do hate the idea that it’s this predictable. Food energy becomes raw magical power. I GUESS.

(A little later)

Screaming at the suggestion Thorn can tell when Murtagh is horny.

I don’t like the euphemisms. It makes it worse

The fact he can’t talk to his dragon whenever they’re “too far apart” (distance never specified) is making me insane. Why did I pick up the dragon riding book if it’s mostly about leaving your dragon locked up at the bike rack

I know Thorn is basically a rescue dog with anxiety, but it bothers me how much he’s left on his own. The narrative just has no idea what to use him for other than speedy transport for the first um… 200 pages, it seems? He’s meant to be his own creature with his own intelligence. He doesn’t go anywhere without Murtagh though. So what is he doing all the time

I think Paolini WANTS his world to be big and mysterious (his introduction literally just keeps saying things in the world of the story are mysterious) but he HAS to keep explaining everything

24 November 2023

I’ve figured out something that annoys me about the world of this book, in terms of just how the worldbuilding is not actually that magical. It has the D&D problem!!! Which is to say that every regular person on earth is Level One and every important character is like, level 12. And part of what makes that even worse is that all women in this world are level zero.

I’ve been watching my friend Chris play the first Alan Wake game and we realised that all the faceless enemies that are possessed by Evil in the game are… working class men. The protagonist is this literate wealthy New York writer who is constantly killing faceless workers—farmers, loggers, coal miners, builders. And that’s not an INTENTIONAL commentary by the game, but it’s very revealing. And This book is the same in that: there is no such thing as a complicated poor person. They’re all either Dirty Evil or Dirty Good. Murtagh is going around, writing poetry in his head and inventing magical computer code, and then every child is an urchin who is like Oi Guvnah, and every dad is gruff, and every woman is worried.

The language used to describe everyone who isn’t a Fighting Man is so demeaning. And even then, we only need to respect the leaders of those men. The leaders are the only ones with depth who might need to be taken seriously.

It’s like Murtagh has a tally in his head where he is going “finally, a guy who is level 6”!

Most people in this world exist to deliver information to the protagonist.

Paolini either thinks his readers are too dumb to understand that his characters exist between scenes, or he doesn’t understand himself that we don’t need to see every time Murtagh enters a city under a new name and how he does it. Or know what he ate for dinner and how he prepared it and where he slept and what he dreamed and, and, and—

It’s weird because Paolini is being self indulgent as fuck but it is NOT fun to read. This dude really just needs to go write a survival story or something… A guy in the woods depending on nothing but his wits and his axe and his beard and his libertarian values

I don’t understand the stakes at play. All the magic scenes with Mind Penetration are so sudden and hard to actually understand as action. And the way it works is about brute force, so the dragon is not going to be at risk of being taken over except by another, even bigger dragon

It would be fun to read the Murtagh city sleuth segments if Thorn was backseat driving a little. I think that their bond should not get thinner over distance. The fact that it does just defeats the point of a magical bond.

Why does the dragon have to stay so far away? Like… it’s established that there’s a spell to conceal a dragon from sight. Dude. You could just go fucking invisible

There’s so many decisions that just are so bonkers to have made. The whole fetch quest for information pissed me off so bad. “You have to join the guard” (40 pages of emotions about uniforms ensue). This guy learned about plots from video games

Paolini had kids apparently, but you can tell he doesn’t really understand kids. “How do they all start out so innocent and pure,” says a man who has never heard a seven year old describe someone being killed by farts before.

The description of Murtagh carrying a cat that doesn’t want to be carried is very funny. I don’t know if Paolini has ever carried a cat before. If you’re carrying a cat that doesn’t want to be carried close to your chest, and you tighten your grip when it squirms… say goodbye to your nipples, my man

It’s strange how much Paolini doesn’t explore the things that seem to be the point. FOR EXAMPLE, the fantasy soul bond trope loves to say “even during sex!??! 👀” because it’s about INTIMACY, and some alien presence always being there. The dragon rider trope is popular because dragons are powerful and wise but also Beasts. Magic is fun to read about because it can do things that can’t be explained.

Paolini’s world is big, but nothing in it has any real substance. Nothing in it has any real consequence, and it makes it impossible to really invest in anything that happens. None of these poor city folks have a life once they leave the scene of delivering Murtagh information… or if they are a woman, delivering him a hot meal. There’s no sense of a world that exists outside Murtagh’s point of view!

25 November 2023

The towns so far don’t feel at all distinctive to me! I was interested in the one with the massive lake, but then it having this massive fish in it was the only point of interest. It would be fun to have been like “oh the fish has ruined our summer festival! It’s ruined the nobility pleasure cruises! It’s also eating fishermen!” Or “Why do all these fishing boats have huge spikes on the prow? Well,”

Again, these guys are all level one in peasant dirt town. They have no capacity for individual thought and no ability to adapt.

It’s like Paolini doesn’t know what makes people and places in fantasy feel distinct, or have culture. It’s so evident in how much he HASN’T thought about. For example, the bonkers amount of restrictive gender norms that he doesn’t seem AT ALL CONSCIOUS OF? Everyone who died in the war was A Man. No women died in the war. But that hasn’t resulted in any social changes. There aren’t more women doing work, for example, like being fishermen

I remember being thirteen or so and reading the bit in the second book where Arya explains to Eragon that she’s better and stronger than a human woman, because she is an elf, so Eragon doesn’t have to worry about her in battle. I was this kid there like “man, that sucks. I assume he’s coming back to that assumption later,” and… he never did. He still hasn’t. And that sucks

The dragon riders were not THAT long ago, in the world of these books. It makes me wonder—were none of them human women? I always assumed that some were human women, but… did dragons only choose elf men, elf women, and human men? If they chose human women, then even being accepted into a paramilitary dragon force didn’t change gender expectations in the rest of the world. What the fuck. He’s really never thought about this.

Women keep showing up as cunning-mysterious, as humble dirtmothers, or as innocent children. Oh my god I’m just describing maiden mother crone. That’s all he’s capable of.

I just got up to where he rescues the werecat baby (innocent girl child) and settles in to hear the stories of elder werecat (cunning-mysterious)

I noticed the Arya Problem with how Nasuada is described in this book, too. Every woman has to be the best, most capable, most powerful woman ever, to be worth the attention of The Boys. Otherwise they can’t respect her. Only two literal queens can be considered worthy of just two average guys who got pet lizards. Even then, they’re not actual equals.

“She still empathised for me.” Yes, don’t worry, Murtagh, I remember that’s what women are for.

I should note that the reason Nasuada is considered so powerful and so much worthy of his love and is her strength as a person. This is proven in the Eragon books because “she still empathised” with Murtagh whilst he was medieval torturing her. He was medieval torturing her for like… most of a book and that’s how they fell in love. Because she could see in his eyes that this guy torturing her… was Complicated. He didn’t really WANT to be medieval torturing her so she actually felt worse for him than he felt about how he was (and I can’t stress this enough) medieval torturing her

I just can’t imagine that THE QUEEN OF A WHOLE CONTINENT would still prefer the guy who sadly tortured her. He’s her top preference. Out of EVERY OTHER MAN IN THE WORLD

I put the book down until the day before I was meant to have finished the book for book club:

10 March 2024: from page 274 onwards

The evil witch is called BACHEL?????!!?!??!? Fucking BACHEL. Pronounced “buh-SHELL”, the guide at the back says. You changed one letter in Rachel, don’t lie to me Paolini

I got so mad being reminded the evil king Galbatorix was defeated by “Eragon forcing empathy upon him” so that he magically exploded himself out of guilt that I had to put the book down and complain to Charlie for five straight minutes

I guess that’s why Galbatorix made Murtagh torture Nasuada for him. He knew that if he’d done it himself she would have empathised with him too hard and he would’ve exploded himself

Murtagh has never met a single person he has respected. Murtagh is the specialest boy in all the land. Eragon had to leave the country because they were both too special to share a continent

Murtagh decided on where to go and he was immediately surrounded by armed guards who took him to where the plot was

Paolini uses the fucking word “admixed” while discussing EATING A PIE. The flavours admixed in his mouth. Just because you know a word… doesn’t mean it’s a word to deploy about eating a pie

I HATE how the only people strong enough to do the strongest magic are Elves Or Human Riders. It’s fucking magic my guy! Why is it checking your goddamn DNA! Also, hey! Wasn’t it supposed to come down to the strongest wizards being the guys who ate the most for lunch?

In a world of Magic how come every wizard battle ultimately comes down to who is a better Professor X?? I came here for fireballs, not Mind Battles. I don’t care about your Mental Wards

Hahaha Murtagh!!! Get trapdoored, bitch!!!!

Dragon panic attacks: conceptually cool but a bit ?? Like ah… the plot literally comes to scoop him up and carry him away. Yet again something outside of Murtagh makes a decision for him about what to do next

Murtagh’s poetry is going to make me explode myself like Galbatorix in book 4

If there’s something I like about this book so far it’s just the bits where he and Thorn are camping. Not flying, because then Murtagh is using the time to think and that’s horrible. The bits where they make campfires or whatever feel like something is actually happening. A guy and his dragon hanging out

Man. The way this novel is plotted really reminds me that it’s not actually that hard to write a book.

Murtagh goes to the evil village (oh yeah there’s an evil village. It is where Bachel lives. She is evil because she does magic without using the magic language). The village is called:

NAL GORGOTH

But I couldn’t remember this so I kept referring to it in my head by another, more familiar, name

Murtagh is so freaked out by finding a village with architecture that he doesn’t recognise. He’s like “My god!!! Nasuada has to be warned!!!” Ok but about what??? New ways of building pillars???? The art deco movement threatens the land??

Kinda fascinated by how much this village represents a threat to CULTURE. The architecture, the people… Everything about it so far is designed to be A Foreign Threat. The inhabitants are Of All Races (except elves they are too cool too pure etc). The humans have A VARIETY OF SKIN COLOURS, which memorably never happens in Alagaesia, a continent once explicitly described in the Eragon books as only having two (2) black people on it at all (then one died) (the other is Nasuada) (the one who died was her dad)

This guy with a goatee isn’t quite human. He is maybe part urgal and he is so uncomfortable to look at! Mainly he has arms that are a bit too long!! Bachel isn’t a human and also isn’t an elf, and that’s also deeply unsettling.

Bachel also fundamentally represents a threat to THE STRUCTURING POWER OF LANGUAGE, huh??

Bachel is so far the most interesting character in the book!

Bachel has: ALMOND EYES and AMBER SKIN

Murtagh is so upset and confused when Bachel calls him “my son” like… I’m cryign. “But she’s not my mother! I know my mother!!” he thinks, in a panic.

If this was a fantasy novel written twenty to thirty years ago, then the sexual tension between Murtagh and Bachel would be absolutely insane. Alas, this is a world of abstinence, and sexuality is only ever meaningful looks between a queen and the guy who tortured her (it is weird how he keeps caressing Nasuada’s face on the gold coins)

It’s very funny that Bachel has specifically fourteen warriors. The prose keeps telling us that there’s fourteen of them. So you get Murtagh stepping forwards and then sentences like “the fourteen warriors attending Bachel shifted”

She seems like a perfectly normal cult leader to me? Why is she automatically a threat to Nasuada! How come the two of them can’t arrange a toxic political marriage that becomes… something more 😉😉😉

Nothing annoys me more in this book than Murtagh being able to identify specific vintages of wine. It keeps happening and it pisses me off

Bachel is a half elf!!! “It had never occurred to him that such a thing might be possible.” This is truly and absolutely unbelievable to me. Nobody in this world ever has sex

How did it take so long to get to such an objectively cool village!!! Like this is just a cool place!!! Sorry that Nar Nar Goon is evil but like FINALLY something has style

Three thoughts at once:

I’m so bored that Paolini’s mind can’t get more interesting than temple virgins, let alone wearing white to represent ritualistic purity. Like… nobody in this world fucks anyway, why does it matter!

Murtagh should also wear white all the time

Lesbianism doesn’t count as a violation of being temple chosen. Alín is wearing lesbianism

Paolini has never once written a woman who is Normal. He just can’t conceive of it. You can feel how he starts sweating.

Murtagh finally realised it was a cult. What sets it apart as a cult is that the followers appear to be “half-wits” to him

I’m going to detransition to break his fucking neck

Paolini has learned nothing since he had a woman deliver the exact same line in like 2008. The fact that another editor just thumbsed this up. The fact that this is in a book published in 2023. Well, now I’m REALLY embarking on an antagonistic reading: that’s right, I am reading women as capable.

Obsessed with Bachel. She is a girlboss and I’m a feminist xxx

Book is constantly weird about how much she is capable of eating and drinking at her feasts and how it makes her appear swollen and bloated etc etc. Murtagh is so weirded out by this because he feels it is unfeminine… as though she is not a witch and we weren’t told earlier that how much magic you have is directly equal to how much you eat. (Meanwhile he is only picking at his food and eating just enough of it ‘to be polite’ as though this is not making a decision to have less magic than her)

She has so much charisma compared to anyone else in the book. If my choices are her or Murtagh then sign me up boys!!!

Okay but much like how this would’ve been a VERY charged relationship 30 years ago, I’m weirdly disappointed Bachel she isn’t not described as megahot? Like the book keeps telling me about this virginal templemaiden or whatever, because Murtagh is only attracted to women he can rescue. But I’m actually just like… I think this woman is hot. Tell me more about her. It’s wild that this book is written by a guy like Paolini, who told me all about Oromis’ pubic hair in 2008, and who barely thinks women are people. Yet he doesn’t want to discuss her tiddies?

This book could, and should! have started when Murtagh landed his dragon in the evil village of Nar Nar Goon. That’s the point that stuff got actually interesting. Everything before this was literally video game fetch quest logic plotting that earned him the right to fly to Nar Nar Goon.

Boar hunt. More like BORED hunt. And then suddenly there are so many pigs, a comical number of them flying everywhere

This motherfucker using the phrase “the boar was lying athwart him” in a sentence in an action scene????

Murtagh is nearly dead and the boar is lying athwart him?

I’m going back in time and bullying the author at school

RIP Murtagh, trambled to death by 30-50 wild hogs

Oh god every time someone knocks Murtagh out he has a vision or a bad dream or a flashback or whatever and it’s so tiring

“EXISTENCE WAS A TOMB WHEREIN THE SINS OF THE PAST LAID INTERRED???” Do you ever read a sentence that sounds so much like the author is jerking it? “All had been lost, and there before him lay the instrument of their destruction” he is furiously jerking it oh my god. “Destroyer of hope, eater of light” oh, god, he’s still going

…This book is. Weird about mothers

Murtagh flies into a rage because Bachel mercy killed a guy who was dying bc of boar trampling because “I COULD HAVE HEALED HIM!!!!!” And the mercy killing is proof it is a cult. Because doing it Bachel’s way meant the guy was too relaxed and at peace when he died

Paolini’s family were in a cult, as I understand. So it’s kind of weird how much he doesn’t really understand how being in a cult works

I don’t really remember how religion works in this world, but I do remember tuning out of a long boring passage in book 2 or 3 where Eragon learned about all the gods and decided he was an atheist. It’s especially weird to be like “holy shit, an EVIL religion??!” In a book where religion has absolutely never come up before now

Oh my god, Alìn was whipped for being ‘too familiar’ with Murtagh!!! That’s because she’s so pure and a helpless victim girl in all white :’((

In my mind Bachel and Alìn COULD be in a fucked up lesbian relationship with bad BDSM etiquette. Of course Paolini can’t imagine a world where women have enough personality or agency to fall in toxic love with each other. Also even though he has people tied up and strapped down and whipped and being tortured etc in every book don’t think he knows that BDSM like. Exists. Boooooo

Murtagh: killing one guy who is dying of a punctured lung is the ultimate evil!

Also Murtagh: I know an invisibility spell, but to sneak out of my room I am going to suffocate seven men to death

Genuinely upsetting to read those men dying. He made it impossible for air to enter or exit their lungs with a word. Veins popping clawing at faces etc. God, what a way to go. So unnecessarily cruel. Yep, there goes the good guy

The main way the village is evil is that there are unsettling carvings everywhere. Paolini read some Lovecraft, but he did not understand what was up with it. Or maybe he did, because this book did get a lot more weird about Racial Purity once Murtagh arrived in Lovecraft Village

11 March 2024

There’s a bloodstain that “filled Murtagh with the apprehension of evil” and it confused me because these books are so gory. Earlier he killed four men with a fork. But like oh yeah I guess it’s because when Murtagh murders people now it’s bloodless. I guess. His murders are good you see

This chapter is called The Bad Sleep-Well you can tell Paolini thought he was a real genius for this one

Okay but why are there bats… roosting… in a cave… at night. And why is Murtagh worried that red light will risk waking them? Animals cannot see red light?? SOME FARM BOY YOU ARE, PAOLINI

Okay I have to stop nitpicking. I have to restrain myself until my Vyvanse kicks in

“Murtagh felt a sense of not just age but antiquity. Whoever had built the stairs had done so long before Alagaesia had been a settled place. What was it Bachel had said? That the cultists had lived in Nal Gorgoth since before elves were elves... He was starting to think she had told the truth.”

Sorry uhhhh, Alagaesia was settled?? When they talk about The Grey Ones, are they talking about a race PRIOR TO COLONISATION?????????

“He continued forward. Deeper into the womb of the earth. Deeper into the black unknown, seeking, seeking, always seeking a farther shore, every sense razor-sharp and razor-scraped, skin all goosefleshed, cold sweat dripping down the back of his neck and gathering around his belted waist.”

God it’s so overwrought...

He found the well!!

Oh my god. The well is a natural magic hotspot and that means it “wasn’t the sort of thing that the Draumar ought to have dominion over.” It’s a natural resource???

“Not that he would want Du Vrangr Gata to assume control over such an important location either. This was exactly what the Riders had been created for: to oversee and mediate that which could destabilize the land.”

Murtagh is going to bring democracy to the Middle East

He’s too scared to mentally contact his dragon with Bachel around. If he was a proper horse girl he would find a way

Oh Galbatorix BECAME evil because he met Bachel and she manipulated him. Haha oh dear. No, you can’t just come to the conclusion the dragon rider paramilitary force who controls the resources are bad on your own. Not just because they sent you into the mountains when they knew it was dangerous and wanted to find out if you’d be killed up there! No, a manipulation had to have happened

It’s funny to me that the evil ancient witch queen who lives in seclusion in the mountains uses the new name for the city of Uru’baen. Oh no, she knows it as Ilirea. She’s hundreds and hundreds of years old. You know what that is? Evidence of Find And Replace, to me.

Bachel’s eyes are “glowing with fevered ecstasy.” I could make her feel that way. Also. Because, I know about sex

Always with the fucking passing out at the end of the chapter for Christopher James Paolini

NOW Bachel is being described appropriately as a hottie. FINALLY. GOD! It only took Murtagh being mind controlled in his brain but I. I!!! I could see the glorious light of truth!!

“He followed, dumb and wildered.” Well, not as much as that sentence. (You can be bewildered. But can you ever just be wildered????)

The dedication to making Murtagh the most pitiful little meow meow in existence in the Galbatorix flashbacks I’m… what happened to the joys of a guy who is evil because he was convinced or was tricked, not because he was fully brain abused???

The Urgals are racially… uncomfortable. Yellow eyes and Murtagh just straight up saying “how do you speak English”

The evil guys have masks and they put them on and like channel the animals the masks are of and on one hand it’s an idea I THINK is cool but also combined with the everything it really has this “tribal stuff is threatening” vibe all over it

“What do you want, witch?”

“I want you.”

Obsessed with how he’s shackled to a table and there’s still an incredible lack of sexual energy to this scene. This is like a day at the office for both of them.

… oh, but she is wearing claws and claws DOES equal a threat of penetration. Maybe a little sexual? As a treat??

Him being tortured reminds him of torturing Nasuada. Wow, it was their first date!

It’s just like. It’s fucked up imo. She should never kiss you Murtagh!!!

Is anything more boring than a torture scene.

Also, was he not drugged right before this scene? How is he able to mentally evade her and power his wards etc?

I’m mad that when he’s brought fancy foods by Alìn he doesn’t share his food with Ubek the Urgal

Oh my god Ubek tells him a story where the moral is just him outright saying at the end, “it’s important to stay close to the people we care for, even if we don’t always fit in so easily” lmao. Subtlety of a mallet

Is anything more boring than a torture scene? How about a torture chapter!!!1!1!1!

This chapter is interminable. Oh my god.

Oh, so we did all that and he gives in I guess. I can’t believe how little agency this man has had throughout this book????

Haha oh my god, Bachel is studying his nude and compliant body in front of her court. Telling him to turn around so she can inspect his back (no mention of his ass even though it is out, tragic). Fucking love it. Now that’s bdsm. Pledging my allegiance to her instantly.

I am BORED. I liked when he was at least doing things of his own volition!

He flies his dragon off on Bachel’s orders and we get the line “Never had air smelled so… so… delicious.” Cryign

GASP he’s killed… CHILDREN!!!!!!! I hate how it only becomes horrifying for him to have done these murders once he realises they’re HUMAN children. Urgal children? The implication is that would’ve been a bit tacky but ultimately fine

Prison brothers blood pact. I feel so little about this. Ubek is 5000x more interesting than Murtagh but he’s been slotted into what is unfortunately a sort of magical indigenous person trope but where instead of being a human being, he is an orc. Which makes the whole trope much worse

Murtagh touched Alìn’s face… gasp! She’s been corrupted by the Touch Of A Man!!!!! (I do not care about this.)

(I care a little. For example she didn’t touch HIM. He just reached out and she didn’t pull away. This is the biggest decision about this character’s life, and she isn’t even allowed to be the one who makes it. He decides on her behalf, and she must be okay with it. Because she doesn’t pull away or fight him off.)

(Also Paolini doesn’t seem to be aware that ‘a woman who has been pledged not to be touched by a man’ would um. USUALLY be understood by a reader as euphemistic. Not that her purity could be forever ruined by a man literally just touching her face)

The way Paolini fills Murtagh’s brainwashed dialogue with oops all ellipses makes me want to tear the book apart with my teeth

Worst: how Grieve the guy who is part urgal is perpetually referred to as “heavy-browed.” “the heavy-browed Grieve” I’m sorry but I missed phrenology school, is that bad??

Also if he’s maybe part Urgal but Murtagh is now given a chance to making it clear that some of his best friends are urgals... Why is Grieve so distastefully described? What’s wrong with being half urgal? My suspicion: it’s the bloodlines intermingling

I suspect I can just skip every fucking dream sequence and flashback. Nothing of any value in these

This one guy, Lyreth, who trapdoored Murtagh for 2.5 seconds ages ago in the book, is TWICE referenced as holding/ touching the waists of “village” or “cultist” women in his dialogue tags. That’s the full extent of it. It’s not that there’s a giggling tavern girl sprawled in his lap while he’s speaking. These faceless women are exclusively sketched into existence by how a named male character’s hand is on their waist. We don’t know anything about how they are responding to his touch, which is extra in-your-face considering that Murtagh just obliterated a woman’s ritual purity by touching her face without asking. And it’s only ever these women’s waist. It’s not their hips or thighs or boobs. He’s not kissing their necks. I’m sure in Paolini’s mind this guy touching women’s waists is meant to read as sexual, which is supposed to reinforce that he’s a scumbag… but it doesn’t work because it’s so impersonal. These women are just… unmoving waists that he is just touching. It serves as a good illustration of how women—and sex and sexuality and bodies—are handled in these books. Men are never ruled by their strong and muscular bodies. Men have minds, and magic, and telepathy battles. Even when Murtagh is on a torture table or when he’s naked in front of a powerful woman who is actively inspecting his body, he doesn’t feel vulnerable. He doesn’t have an ass or a dick. The wind doesn’t make him shiver. He’s just a Mind. But women, well. They only have bodies when men touch them. The course of Alin’s life is defined by Murtagh’s touch, and even Nasuada, a fucking queen, only gets physical description via the coins Murtagh has in his possession and his memory of the cuts and bruises he left on her body. And women also have no minds—unless they’re werecats or elves or half elves, the only kind of woman who are remotely threatening, the only kind of women who are “as good as” the baseline of human men. Nasuada is proven as Murtagh’s equal because she was able to overcome the torture of her body. If he hadn’t tortured her, or if she had broken down, she wouldn’t have proven herself worthy of being his romantic partner.

Eragon’s romantic interest also started out being tortured. Not by him, but “girl who is tortured but is too strong to give up her secrets” was her entire characterisation for a book and a half, until he rescued her. That’s uh. That’s how you find girlfriends who are good enough for your protagonists.

THESE FUCKING BOOKS.

Bachel has put Thorn in a special wrought iron muzzle. Yet again, this is just objectively cool

We learn about who the cult worships: evil dragon underground. He makes fumes come out of the earth and they brainwash people and give them visions. He will come out of the ground and eat the sun unless every living thing worships him.

Really Bachel is not leading a cult she is leading an environmental rescue mission. Quick we gotta get everyone to worship this evil dragon STAT, or he’s going to wipe out all life on earth.

Why does an evil dragon living under the earth with the power to eat the sun (?!??!) actually want or need to be worshipped by “every living thing”. What is his motivation?? And why would that stop him eating the sun?

“The sculptures would have horrified most any artist in Alagaesia, no matter their race.” Mark this down as one of the worst sentences he has written yet!!

I realise now I’ve been misremembering multiple main characters’ names

I like Bachel telling Thorn to stay, like he’s a dog. That’s good to me

Murtagh is learning about the power of friendship to heal himself last minute, I guess

Why is Murtagh pausing to duel fucking Lyreth, the most boring man in the world. Is it because of the waists he touched??? I have never felt this man was worth any time at all

NOT Paolini specifically pointing out that Lyreth “smelled of a cloying peach scented perfume” and that he’s physically weaker than Murtagh as Murtagh overcomes him. Lyreth was too feminine to be strong, in the end

This book is obsessed with the word “youngling.” Murtagh says to Thorn “don’t kill any younglings.” He’s fighting Lyreth but he’s not worried because he himself is “no longer a youngling”. Fucking fuck off! just say youth. Child. Kid. Teenager even!! Come on!!

Murtagh going “this is taking too long” in the duel: me at the whole book thus far

“Is wrong-think to worship Bachel or Azlagur,” says Ubek. This is real dialogue in a book published in real 2023. Oh yeah btw everything he says is written like this

Oh, the urgal’s size and brute strength makes him Murtagh’s equal. I see

Grieve is legitimately yelling “kill the non-believers!!” and calling them desecrators??? Cartoon hours

To start winning the fight, all Murtagh had to do was find his magic sword! It stores all his potency and he inherited it from his father. Freud?? Don’t worry about it

The cultists are bleeding green blood???? Does this mean they’re not human or is it the lighting or what.

Groups of dragons are always being described as a Thunder Of. They’re only ever being described in visions but it’s always being described as “a thunder of dragons”, because Paolini is very proud of inventing his very own collective noun for dragons I guess

Buncha little pasty freaks showing up.

Murtagh’s ultimate challenge: he has to fight one hundred gollums

Paolini inventing new guys for his dungeon at unprecedented rates

Murtagh is legitimately busy trying to think of new names for his sword NOW?? He is just going to stop in the middle of this urgent fight to go find where the bad woman (Bachel) took the good woman (Alìn) to go “my sword has a bad name. It could have a good name.” Did he not have time while he was mouldering in the dungeon to think about this

He’s checking his compendium, like in video games.

Books have never been worse. If Murtagh/Paolini calls this sword Scar I will legitimately never know peace

Oh the sword is called Freedom now. Get it? Like America? It’s the most important value??

“Seeing the armor, Murtagh realized that the leather garb the cultists had donned for the festival of black smoke had been made to resemble Bachel's fantastic suit.”

what a sentence

This is the worst

I hate how her spear has a name and a dramatic history. Like come on

Fucking mind battles again

Alin is just… I’m sorry to her, but she’s not a real person. She’s a cardboard cutout in distress

The final boss fight should not be taking place in the magical world of the mind

Now she’s calling him “infidel?” Okay

The ultimate battle: the structuring power of masculine language versus the primeval chaos of raw women’s emotion!!! Who will win!! Hint: Christopher Paolini wrote this!

“She seemed merely a woman again.”

‘Merely’ is how Paolini always describes women (when he thinks they’re worth describing of course)

Wait… is the only reason Bachel has been intimidating REALLY just because she’s been channelling a tough evil boy dragon? Once the mask is gone and he’s not empowering her… she’s merely…

I’m going to kick Christopher Paolini’s fucking ass

Murtagh feels so emotionally close to Bachel. As he splits her skull. Normal book

For real why were ALL the Riders so afraid of Bachel??? The gas fumes? Face masks not invented?? This seems pretty easy to solve like if they’d just. Sent more than one guy?

He passes out and the chapter ends of course. Then he wakes up in the city

Ah, Alin is blonde and blue eyed. She was a pale skinned virgin who needed rescuing from an evil and also foreign almond eyed amber skinned woman who was whipping her. You know how it goes

I hate how Alìn always calls Murtagh “my lord.” She’s like one of those medieval fighting game banners of a sexy woman. She’s a cartoon.

Isn’t it a shame that when Murtagh hastily gets out of bed to bow to Nasuada he is wearing pants. So much funnier if he wasn’t

I’m so over this book holy shit

Oh, for being the apparently only sole survivor of Murtagh’s obliteration of her cult and everything she’s ever known, Alìn is being promoted to… Nasuada’s maid. That’s not what she asked for. That’s just what she’s being told she’s going to do from now on. Fucking hell.

Nasuada is Jealous of this blonde woman and I was afraid for her because Nasuada is also famously the only black woman on the continent. But of course she has nothing to fear because only the most powerful woman in the land could ever be remotely Murtagh’s equal, which she proved by being stronger at being tortured than him

She asks him to stay and she touches his hand just lightly

The END??

They don’t even kiss?!!!?!! I had to read it twice to be sure. SEXLESS BOOK.

[garfunklefield]

Irony

Barista!Yuji Itadori/Megumi Fushiguro Warnings: college au, coffee shop au, fluff, humor, tall yuji, short megumi, ambiguous ending Word count: 2782 DESC: It's not gay to write sweet little notes on a cute emo boy's coffee cup every day, right? RIGHT???

I wrote this in one sitting because I'm DERANGED

Every single day he’d come in here and order the same thing. A black coffee then leave.

Yuji was freshly out of college,  trying his hardest to make ends meet in the only way he knew how, making coffee. It was a weird skill he had picked up from his grandfather, doing a majority of the cooking and cleaning. He cleaned up after him, watered plants, and made him coffee. From a young age, he learned how to make exotic drinks without even batting an eye. When he found an ad for a barista position at a local coffee shop, he didn’t think twice about it. It interested him slightly, although his actual major had nothing to do with making drinks. He needed a way to pay rent that didn’t physically bore him, so he didn’t mind waking up early to open or staying late to close. Hell- even working every single day! All for one reason. 

“Hey, idiot!” A hand waved in front of his face as he was busy cleaning off the counter. He glanced to the side and saw Nobara Kugisaki, his coworker impatiently glaring his way, “We have a customer!” 

Itadori went to speak but pressed his lips into a thin line. He knew better than to argue with her this early in the morning, especially over something she could easily solve. But, he liked Nobara. Even if she was pushy and loud, she could have a sweeter side to her that no one else got to see. I mean, he never even saw it. Yet, he knew it was there waiting to be uncovered. 

He set down the cloth and shimmied over to the cash register, “Hey how can I help you?” He spoke, pressing a few buttons to get the machine ready. The boy hadn’t looked up yet to see who he was going to be dealing with, he really hoped it wasn’t any of the annoying regulars. Having regulars was fine! Aside from the ones who’d sit and talk for hours on end, trying to show you their vacation photos or lame pictures of their kids!

The man before him cleared his throat, “A black coffee, please?” That voice was unfamiliar, but instantly rang as safe to Yuji. He looked up and saw something perfect before him. Black locks of spikey hair jutted out in a few directions, all neatly pushed behind the boy's ears. Dark blue eyes, examining him through heavy rows of eyelashes. And lips, that were unwavering. Not even a polite smile, just a line. Yuji had never seen someone so beautiful before, it nearly took away his breath! I mean, guys can appreciate other men's beauty, right? So he tried not to find the fact he was turned to stone weird. 

“Um, hello?” He narrowed his eyes, eyebrows furrowing down as well. 

The barista’s eyes widened and he smiled sheepishly, snapping himself out of his haze, “Sorry! Black coffee. Can I have a name for the order?” It was customary to ask for a name for every order, but now it felt so … intimate. The man’s eyes were boring deep into Yuji’s soul and making him really regret not shaving his day-old stubble this morning. 

“Tch,” he looked off to the side, a sudden wave of annoyance flooding his features, “Megumi.” 

Megumi… 

Megumi. 

Megumi. 

The pink-haired man had never heard that name before, but he was trying his hardest to have it ingrained in his memory. Like a good barista would! There was no reason why he wanted to remember it for later! Not like he was going to google his customer- what? 

“Alright, Megumi,” he grinned, “Here or to go?” He pressed a few buttons on the cash register and it made a ding, signaling it was ready for payment. 

Megumi put his card down on the reader and thought for a moment, taking in the scenery of the small coffee shop, “To go.” Oh. Yuji really hoped he’d stay. With that, he made the simple order and handed it off. Not without doing a small doodle on the side of the white cup. It was just a little cat along with the words “Have a nice gay Megs!” Maybe it overstepped, and maybe it was weird, but he’d never know unless he did it. 

~~~

Yuji wouldn’t consider himself weird, or perverted, or a stalker. So he found it strange he sat in front of his laptop after closing the shop, googling the name Megumi. First, it was a general search to see what the name even meant. His brows raised when he saw “Blessing; Grace” as the meaning behind it. Then he went on his least favorite social media site, Instagram. He hardly used it because everyone from his college still followed him. It would’ve been a pain to start a new account and even more of a headache to delete everyone he disliked. So instead, he opted to hardly use it. The last post he made was almost three years ago, showing off his graduation gown with some cheesy quote. 

He clicked on the search bar with his thumb and typed out the name, waiting for the result to pop up. If they had any friends in common, which he doubted- I mean Toyko is a big area -he’d pop up. If not… he wasn’t sure if Megumi was even a common name to begin with, so maybe he could find the boy. The first result was a forty-year-old woman on a different side of the country than them, although she was pretty. 

Kind of like Jenni- NO! Back on topic!

The next was an art account, featuring a lot of hyperrealism. But, no face attached. He continued to scroll past the many Megumi’s who weren’t his Megumi, although it was purely for a curious and platonic reason, but found nothing. He decided to move to Facebook. Yuji wasn’t sure why he was so hellbent on finding this guy. It wasn’t like he was ever going to see him again. He worked in a small coffee shop in the heart of a large shopping center; Tourists came in all the time, along with people from different areas of the country. There was a chance he’d never see this guy again. He could have just been a pretty face in a sea of people who he drew a funny face for. 

Facebook was a dud, and with that, he closed his laptop in defeat. Maybe he really wouldn’t find this guy after all.

~~~

Yuji didn’t have high hopes for the next day. He never expected to see that face again, so he tried his hardest to burn it in his memory for as long as he could. Nobara must have seen him pouting, since she wasn’t as hard on him as she typically was. She gave him a silent yet supportive nudge on the shoulder and motioned to the door as it swung open. He sighed and rolled his shoulders, standing up to his true height. It was odd to have a customer this early, as soon as they opened. But he didn’t think much of it. Sometimes it would happen, someone being up at 7 AM and dying for a cup of coffee. It didn’t matter to him.

The boy walked up to the cash register and tapped a few buttons, looking up as he spoke, “Welcome, what can I get… for.. you…?” His voice trailed off when he saw Megumi staring back at him. His face was the same, stoic and cold, although his eyes were betraying his cool demeanor. They were wide, flickering from each of Yuji’s features until they landed back on his eyes. 

There were so many things Yuji wanted to ask him, so many things that could come off as creepy and stalkerish. So many things he decided to lock in a vault and never utter. Instead, he smiled and cleared his throat, “Hi Megumi, welcome back!” 

Megumi blinked a few times, “You… remember me?” One of his eyebrows quirked up in a bit of confusion. Although, his face didn’t really convey emotions, it was his eyes that showed he was shocked. It was his eyes that showed anxiety and confusion. Did he not expect to see Yuji when he worked every single day? Well, it wasn’t like he knew that.

“Well, yeah!” Yuji smiled, closing his eyes effortlessly, “I drew you a cat yesterday.” 

“You… did,” he slowly nodded his head as he spoke, “Um. A black coffee please?” 

“A guy who knows what he likes,” Why did I say that? “Coming up!” Stop talking! Now! Forever! 

Yuji let the boy pay and began to make his drink, “For here or to go?” He already knew the answer. Megumi replied to go, as he did the day before. It made the barista a bit sad, he wasn’t sure why. Most customers didn’t have time to sit and sip coffee, so why would he be any different? It wasn’t like there was another reason he wanted him to stay. It wasn’t like he wanted to talk to him, pick his brain, make him smile. 

He finished the drink and grabbed his marker, doodling a little flower and handing it off to him. The boy took the cup and glanced down at the cup, an irritated look crossing his features. He didn’t look at all pleased to see the drawing, but he said nothing to protest it. Without saying goodbye, he pushed the door open and left silently. 

“Okay, what gives?” Nobara’s small head appeared in Yuji’s peripheral vision and made him turn his head, then drastically look down to see her frowning dramatically, “You totally have a crush on that guy.”

“I do not!” He instantly retorted, crossing his arms over his uniformed chest, “I was just surprised to see him back here again.” 

“Uh huh, sure! Oh hiiii Megumi!” She mocked, grasping her hands together and pressing them into her cheek dit-zily, “Gee, you’re a short emo guy who knows what he likesss!” 

He frowned, “Back off. I didn’t say it like th- Stop batting your eyelashes! I don’t do that!” 

“You so did!” She laughed, moving her hand to point at him, “You’re into gay emos! He probably listens to MCR and wishes he could kiss Gerard Way!” 

Yuji blinked a few times, “Gerard… Okay stop making up weird names, Gerard isn’t a real name,” he gave her a knowing look, “That’s just like onomatopoeia. Not real.” 

Nobara went to insult him but he waved a hand in the air, “Listen, I’m all for gay L gay B, you know, but I’m not gay. I just think he’s pretty. A man can appreciate another man’s eyelashes without it being weird!” 

“...You looked at his eyelashes?” She pressed her lips together, cheeks turning a bit pink as she held back some serious laughter, “No-no. Noticing how long a guy's eyelashes isn’t gay, Yuji. You’re so right.” A little giggle escaped. 

“Thank you!” He smiled, totally misreading how that conversation went.

~~~

Megumi was still coming into the coffee shop, but he always looked so displeased when the barista would draw silly things on his cup. A look of uncomfortable annoyance always crossed his face whenever he’d pick it up and read the note. It was always along the lines of “Have a nice day Megs!” or “Good luck today!” Nothing ever personal or weird was written on there, nothing to make him uncomfortable. So, why did he look so constipated when he’d read it?

Yuji decided a week or so later that he’d not write anything on there, see what would happen. See if maybe instead of an uncomfortable look, he’d get a smile. It was useless to hope a man who looked like he hated fun and rainbows would ever smile for a barista he saw every day. Did I mention that? Yeah no, Megumi continued to come in every day when the shop opened, would get his cup, look like he wanted to die, then leave. Every day. Every day. 

The day Megumi came in, the barista was opening by himself. He stood by the back wall behind the counter, wiping down the dry-erase board calendar to put on the new dates. A new month had passed and he got tasked with drawing on something new to signify it. February was hearts and June was rainbows. As it neared October, he thought a pumpkin would be fitting. It was shitty, as all his drawings were, but that’s what made it charming. That’s why this whole coffee shop was charming, it had a level of shittiness no corporation could give you. 

He didn’t realize the raven-haired boy was standing behind him, patiently and quietly watching as he hummed to himself. It wasn’t even a good song, just something he had heard on the radio on his way to the shop. It was stuck in Yuji’s head and he decided to make the most of it. He caught himself humming louder, singing some words gently before turning on his heel and promptly freezing. 

“Oh.” Was all he could muster out as Megumi just stared at him. There wasn’t a smile or an ounce of amusement on his features. He looked bored, with a weird look in his eye. Something he hadn’t seen before, and something he couldn’t dissect. 

“Oh?” He tilted his head to the side. Okay, maybe he did find this amusing. And maybe he was good at hiding it. 

“Sorry,” Yuji responded sheepishly, walking to the counter and pressing the buttons on the cash register, “Black coffee?”

He nodded, “Yes, thank you.” 

Itadori didn’t want to make his embarrassment worsen by saying something stupid, so he opted to keep quiet as he made the drink. He already knew his customer's answer, so he chose the to-go cup. And instead of writing anything on it, he handed it with a polite smile. He wasn’t expecting Megumi to pick up the cup and turn it to its usual spot, for him to look suddenly so … hollow. Almost dejected. 

His eyes searched the white for a few moments before he turned his head to the side to look at the barista who made it, “Um… you…” 

Yuji looked back at him and raised an eyebrow, “Something wrong?”

“Are you …” he paused, “Okay?” 

Now he was really puzzled, “I’m fine. Are you okay?” 

Megumi’s face morphed into a small frown, “I’m fine, yes, but are you okay? You didn’t do the, um,” he looked down at the cup and motioned to Yuji with it. He looked almost… distressed? “The um, cup thing.”

The barista blinked once. Then again. Then several times. Oh. He had definitely misread his customer's facial expression. Was his irritated, kind of constipated look, really just how he was? It was hard for him to grasp that someone could make faces they didn’t mean, portraying a whole other emotion than what they felt. However, in that moment he figured Megumi was wearing his heart on his sleeve and showing his true emotions, unintentionally.

Yuji extended his hand, “I thought you didn’t like it. You always made, uh, like, a face when I did. So I stopped,” the other boy placed the cup in his hand and he pulled it back cheerfully. He found the marker and began to write, looking up, “I didn’t realize you actually liked it.”

His words were supposed to be cheerful, so he tried to imagine Megumi smiling at that. Instead, he looked away and frowned tightly. A light blush formed on the apples of his cheeks and spread to his nose, making him appear like an angel. A very pink angel. 

“Not liked, but… used to,” he glanced back at Yuji, and when they made eye contact for a split second, he looked away, “I don’t think I make a face.” 

“You’re making it right now,” he looked down at the cup and kept writing, trying to hide it from his customer. 

The boy cleared his throat and adjusted his posture, taking one hand to cover his upper lip, “No, I’m not,” he grunted out, through apparent gritted teeth. 

Yuji smiled, handing him the cup after a few minutes of scrawling, “It’s okay. I thought it was cu- funny.” A narrow save. A very narrow save. He pressed his lips together before making a small popping sound with them, “Have a good day.”

Megumi went to speak but he took the cup, looking over the mounds of writing. The side of his lip twitched as he brought his other hand down. And there he could’ve sworn he saw it. The hints of a smile. 

[significant-ace-nnoyance]

freeing this rant of mine from my bestie's google docs comments because I FEEL SO STRONGLY ABOUT EL'S HAIR YOU GUYS so. youre welcome? i didn't feel like editing it to make sense so 😭😭 HERE YOU GO GAYS pls rb w thoughts i wanna know what my people think

essentially i feel like el's hair is very obviously a metaphor for her relationship with herself and her autonomy like. yk sHE chose to have her longer hair and she liked it and she had the byers bowlcut reflecting how she was taken in by them as part of their family now and how that was a big part of her identity at the time in cali esp since she lost hopper and hawkins etc. and the bullies were throwing spitballs in her hair aka spitting on her authentic self and then it was forcibly removed by her abuser and she was paralleled to her younger self who had a shaved head and was in the midst of her trauma which like. so many implications of that. but anyway by the end her being more comfortable with her hair shows how she sort of resolved her trauma within herself and you can see the way that hopper holds her head like 🥺🥺💕💕 he sees the trauma but also still sees that it’s still her and and and-

anyways all to say i think she would love to grow out her hair again because it’s her choice and it’s a choice she was deprived of in childhood and and 😭😭 it’s symbolizing her having autonomy again and not that she needs long hair to love herself bc we definitely saw her grow from not thinking her without hair was pretty in s1 to by the end of s4 sort of growing into it and being more confident in her body bUT the point is it’s her choice and she loves herself either way and now gets to decide what she wants to do with her body because she finally has autonomy and control over her own body and dbshjsjdjwjwjw

THEY BETTER DO HER FUCKING STORYLINE JUSTICE OR I WILL RIOT-

thats all. thank you goodnight

[songsforthepierce]

Album Showcase: Boo Hoo - Aurelio Voltaire

When I was a kid I would watch The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy a lot. One episode that stood out to me was Little Rock of Horrors for the catchy song in it. When I was in middle school I decided to look up the song and found it was made by a musician named Voltaire. This then introduced me to the rest of his music.

The album cover is simple yet nice. Just Voltaire playing guitar while singing. In the background is a broken heart which paired with the title “Boo Hoo” I am going make a hunch that this album has some sad backstory.

The album was released on May 14th, 2002. Though before that Voltaire began writing this album after the break up with his then girlfriend. He decided to deal with this pain through a mix of satirical and impious songs with some introspective and sentimental songs. From that most of the album is going to be about heartbreak and trying to move on. With that all in mind I am wondering how the song Brains even fits in on this album. Though from the “most of the album” that means a few songs are not gonna fit the theme.

Before I get into the music I should at least somewhat talk about his name mainly because for years he was known as simply Voltaire and at some point changed it to Aurelio Voltaire. I didn’t notice the name change until last year. He stated on facebook,

"I got tired of there being other people releasing albums as Voltaire. There's an indie band in Germany and some American guy who makes instrumental hip hop. Like, do these people not do a fuckin' Google search before naming their bands? Anyway, it was just easier to distinguish myself from them by using my first name."

All right, I can kind of get why he changed it. This will be an interesting album to partially revisit because I only listened to a few tracks as a teen while the rest are new to me.

Track 1: Future Ex-Girlfriend

I listened to the whole album at work to get a general feel for the album and coming back to write I do remember this track being the most bitter all of them. I know this is about his break up but this feels like this was the first song he wrote for the album. Going on dates with women he is just not going to click with and that they are just gonna break up anyway. I had to remind myself that “this is coming from a personal place and he is just venting” as I was listening. Like the instrumentals do add to the bitterness of the song being a bit slower and sounding sad. That and-

And no one cares you love Keanu Oh, whats the difference anyway? Everybody knows that he's gay Okay, I really don’t know that But lets face it He's too hot to be straight!

As I was working that came and I had to do a double take. I was so confused by this but then I had to remember that this was 2002 and this was during that metrosexual era. For people who either don’t remember or were not around during the time, people would look at men who take the most basic care of themselves (shaved, bathed regularly, dressed nicely etc) and would assume they were gay because...straight men don’t do that I guess or some shit. I think as far as I can tell was doing that but the last like “He’s too hot to be straight”. Like I get that is a joke and I am not one to speculate on the sexuality of real people. However, that line sure does sound pretty gay to me. I know I know, I am joking. But I get this is meant to be petty and comedic song. Anyway, this song is all right I guess. Not my favorite track but eh, a decent start to the album.

Track 2: I’m Sorry

The instrumentals on this are great. I love how noticeable the fiddle is and how that really ties nicely to the sad tune. The theme of this being sorry for so many things from being selfish, to the bad weather, to even being in this person’s life. It brings into mind of how people after a break up or even during it feel like that have to apologize for every little thing. Whether or not it was their fault or not. I do really like this track. What helps is that it is genuine and I do give a lot for artists being vulnerable like this.

Track 3: #1 Fan

When getting into the track at first I thought this would be from the perspective of a fan towards Voltaire but instead how it reads is more like how Voltaire is seeing himself towards a person he likes. That he is this person’s number one fan. Instead of being like “oh they don’t notice me” he instead feels like he is not good enough for this person. Instruments on this song sounds nice I’ll give it that. The lyrics are also fine. It does a good job on getting out those emotions. Sorry I don’t have much more to say. Romance songs are hard for me to say much on but I am trying my best.

Track 4: Where’s The Girl?

Okay so this is the first non-romance oriented song on the album. Well, I think it isn’t about that anyway. Reading the title I at first thought it would be about him looking for the person he felt for. But from the lyrics this reads more like him looking for a woman he once cared for but she was taken by death or some other force. But that’s my view of the song. I the slower pace of the song adds to the more downer thematic of the song. Voltaire was one of the earliest musicians I can remember where I would hear using a fiddle like this and it really shows how versatile that instrument is. Since the fiddle in a lot of the songs I would here were for more energetic songs.

Track 5: See You in Hell

From the title alone I assumed it was gonna be about him telling his ex that he’ll see her in hell. Well, that is in there. But it is mostly about how she put him through misery and how hard he tried in the relationship. I know when I type that this would make people assume the song is super whiny which like I can get why. But it really isn’t. Oddly I do like this track. Sure, I prefer I’m Sorry but this is a close second to it.

Track 6: Bachelor(ette)

This is a cover of Bjork’s Bachelorette. At first I was confused why he chose to cover a song on an album like this but when reading the lyrics for the song it made more sense. The song does tie well with the themes of sorrow and heartbreak. Now how does this song compare to the original? Well the original was about Isobel returning to the city by train to confront the people she loved with love. The beats of the song are like a train which I do think is a cool detail. The original is beautiful. Voltaire’s cover is pretty good to me. While it sadly doesn’t do the whole train effect, it does match the original’s more sorrow tone. Also the ending on both are different. The original ends with...uh lyrics that I have a hard time understanding while Voltaire’s adds the lyrics,

And life is a necklace of tears You undo them with your fear And I am a fountain of fears You fill me with your tears Our love...is a big ball of string Devil collects it with a grin.Our love

Which I think is a nice touch and makes both of them distinct in their own way.

Track 7: Hello, Cruel World

Now this song could be fueled by his break up or it could just in general be about how shitty the world can be. Especially how it feels like the world is out to get him and make his life a hell. I know that is an emotion we all have felt at some point in our life. Complaining on and on. That sort of deal. Though I do like the ending taking a turn of him towards the world like “I ain’t gonna leave.” The spitefulness of having the world deal with him. The song overall is okay.

Track 8: Irresponsible

After seven tracks of sad sounding songs we get a song that instrumentally sounds bouncy and upbeat. But the subject stays in the negative. This time it is about him being a irresponsible person...or him making fun of those who are like that. Lines about “ Is it so wrong if I don't pay my rent?” to “ I don't have time to be politically aware”.

Don't talk to me about the dolphin in the tuna net I'm on the tuna's side. hey, dolphin tastes quite good I bet

Sorry to inform you Voltaire in 2002, dolphin has high levels of mercury and you would probably either get very ill or die from eating it. I personally don’t take this song seriously because it is more of a tongue in-cheek type of song. Especially with the ending. It is an all right song. Not one of my favorite tracks but I tend to be a sucker for songs with tonally clashing lyrics with upbeat sounding instrumentals. Especially ones done well which this song did a good job at.

Track 9: The Vampire Club

Now this track I am pretty familiar with since this along with BRAINS and Graveyard Picnic I had on my old ipod and to my current itunes since I was a teen. The instrumentals are strong on this track making it a fun romp of a song. The song is about these pirates sneaking into the vampire club and the leader of said pirates looking and I quote, “ He looked like a gay Captain Morgan”. Huh, another gay joke. Though more importantly, I genuinely want to know what a gay Captain Morgan looks like. There has to be some fanart somewhere of people drawing a flaming Captain Morgan. If there isn’t, then get to it. Anyway back to the song, this fellow calls out the leader of the vampire club saying his real name and that he is in the 8th grade. After that a whole fight breaks out with injuries from both sides. Though one of the tenants at the bar says this is a regular occurrence. Aftermath results in,

Missie lost her fang in the ladie's room We all laughed and called her Snagletooth Dede was mad because we broke his cane And he flushed his contacts down the drain There was so much angst after the fight Vlad and Akasha broke up that night

 It gets revealed that the vampires aren’t vampires but just some goth kids. Yeah, it is more of a light satire of goth culture though Voltaire is a goth himself so it is more in fun than being mean spirited.

While some rivetheads danced in a puddle of goo That used to be Father You-Know-Who!

Now I never really knew who this line was referring to until looking into the lyrics. The man, now a puddle of slop, is Father Sebastiaan. He is a notable in the goth to vampire subculture for making fake fangs.Which hey that is pretty cool of a reference. The rest of the song does reference other stuff in goth culture at the time such as Bela Lugosi’s Dead and the rivalry the goth and ravers had (even though cybergoth is a thing but some goths do get very gatekeepy about what is and isn’t goth). While this was a fun song to revisit I was surprised to learn that there was a different version that was made. Yeah, so Voltaire made a new version that references...the Twilight franchise. Well, lets see if this is gonna be dated or not.

Vampire Club (Twilight Version) is mostly the same except it is just about Twilight. I kind of knew going in it was gonna be about making fun of Twilight with the whole “Vampires sparkling silly” sort of deal. Those types of jokes were common during the height of the series. Though the line,

Number one rule in this Clan Slay the undead who invade your land

Makes me uh...how do I word this...it weirdly just reminds me of the fact that the series is pretty racist with it’s depictions of native Americans. Though more specifically of the Quileute tribe. How so much information about the tribe was wrong in both the books and movies that the tribe itself had to make corrections on all the misconceptions. Doesn’t help that no one consulted the tribe before the making of either the book or film. I could go on about the more of the racism (such as how Stephenie Myer would push back against hiring more non-white actors for the films), misogyny, the overt Mormonism within the series but then we would get off track. I will say I do prefer the original Vampire Club over this version.

Track 10: BRAINS!

This song still slaps to this day and this is my favorite track on the whole album. Which I know is super bias but I have to be honest. It is just a fun song about a brain eating monster. Voltaire on his youtube channel has made two videos about the song itself and how he made it which I highly recommend checking them out. Though I will say it is super funny and a bit jarring having this track on an album mostly about a break up and this song just pops up.

Track 11: Graveyard Picnic

This was the third track I would listen to from this album as a teen. Not as much as the two above but I remember it being a relaxing track to me. It is a simple song about going to a graveyard and having a nice read. The song has a lot of Edgar Allen Poe references in it which yeah fits with the theme.

Track 12: ...About a Girl

And we’re back to the whole troubled relationship songs. This is about this girl who is cheating on this guy with the narrator (Voltaire). That this girl isn’t worth it and that she is lying or something. This is a weak song for me. Not because it is bad or anything because like I do like the instrumentals on the track. But the subject matter I have heard before and here it is like...been there done that.

Track 13: Let it Go

So after all the songs about heartbreak and grief we are finally at the stage of acceptance and letting go. It’s time to move on and I agree. This song is a nice closure to the album about Voltaire’s feelings of his ex. Well, I would say this would be the closure but we have one more song left. Which I wonder what the last song is gonna be like if we are just done here?

Track 14: Caught a Lite Sneeze

This is a cover of Tori Amos’ Caught a Lite Sneeze. I was not actually expecting a cover of a Tori Amos song in general. Instrumentally this is very different from all the other tracks and makes it stand out a lot. At first I wondered why he chose to cover this song for this album but as I was listening I realized it fit perfectly in this album. The song is about trying to keep a relationship when it is already over. Similar to how Voltaire throughout this album wanted to try to keep his relationship going despite it being done. Now compared to the original while I think Voltaire did a good job I do slightly prefer the original. Though something about Voltaire’s cover caught my eye, he didn’t change the lyrics. At first you might be like “Why would that be weird?” well when you look at the original context of the song with the lyrics such as,

Boys on my left side, boys on my right side Boys in the middle and you're not here

Which in context is talking about how men play a big aspect in her life but her partner is not. That and the pre-chorus after singing,

I need a big loan From the girl zone

That could be read as her taking power within herself as a woman without taking from men. Usually songs that are very gendered like this when covered tend to have lyrics changed. So like when a woman makes a love song about a man for example will be changed to a man singing about a woman when a guy covers it. So it stays pretty heterosexual. However, there are times when the singer just doesn’t change the lyrics at all which can change the reading a lot in a less straight view. I find it interesting Voltaire didn’t change the lyrics at all but I also like that. It oddly makes it distinct from the original for giving a different interpretation as the listener. My only critique on this track is mainly about the placement. This should have been track 13 while Let it Go should have been track 14. Mainly because the cover is about trying to keep a relationship that is done alive while Let it Go is about finally moving on. I just think thematically the two tracks should have switched orders.

Overall I enjoyed this album. I wasn’t sure what the album was gonna be like when before listening and I am glad I got around to it. My favorite tracks are BRAINS!, I’m Sorry, Vampire Club, Graveyard Picnic, Caught a Lite Sneeze, and Bachelor(ette). Not saying the rest of the tracks are bad or anything, they just weren’t my super favorites. I do recommend the album if you are interested in listening to one of Voltaire’s early works.

[striderstable]

Kallisti, Monk of the Old Order

[ID: screenshot from the video game neverwinter nights enhanced edition, original campaign chapter one, featuring a female human monk player character with a shaved head wearing the robes of the old order, which resembles the habit of a european medieval monk, standing in front of a tavern table into the side of which the image's watermark of striders table dot tumblr dot com cleverly appears to have been carved by some miscreant or another. next to her is the henchman halfling rogue tomi undergallows. the semi-transparent character record and inventory GUI's are both open, showing the PC's stats and a number of items she wears or carries, all of which are pretty much standard for a low level monk in this game. /end ID]

I want to talk a little bit about this character but I might go on for quite a bit so I'll put it under the cut.

Not long ago I posted about my previous monk character, also of the Old Order, and how excited I was that after having imported him into the Enhanced Edition of Neverwinter Nights, you could actually see the cloak he was wearing (in the original versions of the game, you could only see it as a static icon in the inventory, not how it looked on the character, animated and everything). Well, imagine my surprise when while playing yet another monk character I came across a new and improved version of the Robes of the Old Order that looked more like something Friar Tuck or Brother Cadfael might wear.

This is not the only item that looks different in the EE when you find it in the wild as opposed to buying it in the store (for example, the wizard robes are now actually long flowing robes, but only if you start the game with them, someone gives them to you, or you find them in the course of adventuring, such as in a chest). But I liked these enhanced Robes of the Old Order so much that I was prompted to create a whole new character around them. The portrait I ended up using was perfect for this--alas, I haven't been able to track down the artist via Google reverse image search, it came as part of a portrait pack I downloaded long ago--and thankfully one of the in-game avatars for female human characters had a shaved head, because as I might have mentioned before I'm a stickler for things like my PC's avatar matching their portrait.

Anyway, I had to use a cheat to give her the enhanced version of the Robes of the Old Order at the outset, and if she doesn't acquire the Improved Robes of the Old Order on her own before the end of Chapter One I'll use it again to give her those, because the game isn't always as great about rewarding certain character classes as it is others. This is pretty much the only reason I'd ever want to cheat in this game; that is, for roleplaying purposes (I did a similar thing with my Undead Hunter Ranger/Cleric of the Dawnfather, giving him a Shield of Dawn when the game didn't do so automatically within what I considered a reasonable amount of time). Sometimes you have to be your own DM. ;)

Partly inspired by Beauregard of Critical Role Campaign 2, but also by Campaign 3's overall theme, I decided that despite the required "Lawful" alignment, this monk would be pretty chaotic and also atheistic. I don't mean that in the sense of not believing that the gods exist, just being of the opinion that they aren't necessary. See, somewhere along the way I decided that the Old Order is (despite the Western style of the monastic habit) more akin to Eastern philosophies such as Daoism and Zen Buddhism. I didn't just make that up out of the blue, however, it was based squarely on the very sparse amount of information available to us on the Order, such as this scant paragraph from the Forgotten Realms Wiki:

"The Old Order was dedicated to the philosophy espoused by a certain deity, but they did not worship this deity, nor any other, apparently preferring to leave them alone. Their deity was either deceased or had never existed on Toril's Material Plane; the monks were contradictory about this. Some outsiders doubted they'd ever even had a god. The monks considered even the deity's identity unimportant, instead caring only about their message."

What is remarkable about this is that in the Forgotten Realms campaign setting, the soul of any mortal who died without a patron deity got absorbed as a punishment into this enormous wall surrounding the City of Judgment (known as the Wall of the Faithless for this reason) "and wholly became a part of it". Whether you consider this to be an objective fact or only a belief, I have come to the conclusion that the Old Order at least, teaches that it is merely the latter. I don't necessarily see the Order as antagonistic toward any faith, however, except the most destructive and imbalanced ones. Rather I think its mission is to enlighten, and with enlightenment comes the understanding that beliefs are just that--beliefs, and the practitioner would be better off realising the truth.

The vagueness of the description of the Old Order is therefore an asset as far as I'm concerned; it has allowed me the freedom to create my own dogma--or in this case, the absence of such--for the monk character I built around the idea.

[bassiter2]

not to get on a high penis horse but i've been wearing some kind of packer for a good decade by now and i really can't comprehend the lack of intuitiveness so many trans guys seem to have for it. like i've always been figuring that shit out no problem. i did a sock cock before i could buy a packer. it was easy. i didn't have to think about it, i just made it. i wore a hard packer casually for years and didn't care about looking like i had a hugerooni. like that was ideal. now i buy from mr. limpy and how did i find it? i just fucking googled trans man packers. like it's not fucking hard. they're really not that expensive either. and it's not hard to keep them from falling out of your pants. just wear tight boxer briefs. oh you don't know how high or low the penis goes? it varies. bc people are diverse. that or just look at a picture of a penis on google and there you go. why is this hard. no one's wondering why you're going to the stall in the men's bathroom either like obviously cis men fucking poop?? how do you not know how to shave jsut bc your dad never taught you how to shave your face like it's such a simple basic principle as shaving any other part of your body and in any case you live in computer times so just look it up??? idk at this point i'm just complainting about particular ppl who happen to be trans being dumb and not realizing that they're just dumb so they blame it on being trans. and also i'm low on inhibitions thanks to my good friend alcohol so out's coming a rant that i've been wanting to say to someone other than my bf for a long fucking time but anyway i guess i'm just admitting at my own expense, just for the sake of feeling like i've gotten it off of my chest, that i really do not think i'll ever get over a sense of not just my own but the concept alone of manhood being based in cis manhood, nor do i honestly even want to. maybe that's bad. it's probably bad. even talking about it like this is bad bc it betrays a sense that i'm trying to make myself like a victim of the nonbinaries or whatever even if i claim that i'm not. and i'm ngl there's a lot of spite for most of the rest of the current trans community brewing in me that i can't get rid of bc frankly it would fuck my sense of self if i tried all that hard. i want to be trans less than i ever have bc i'd at least have ppl i relate to bc the only thing keeping me from being exactly like a cis gay man is my cock and balls not being attached to me like there's no point at ALL to this nerf

[blorbocedes]

Please! Director’s Cut for Monza maxiel 🥺

ohoho 😈 okay, so. Monza 21 is the one fic I knew i HAD to write, as an homage to the winner's room trope that we talk about on this blog, and specifically the one sided maxiel dynamic. both of it going hand in hand.

I've actually never done a director's commentary below so uhh spoilers below:

I had a lot of fun, since we're writing from 2022 to add in some references and future gutpunches~ like~

this whole interaction with Zak, and then the "this would not be his final win in Formula One" 💀💀💀

Daniel POV is really fun in this cause he's a proper unreliable narrator 😭 he's so delusional

this whole paragraph is like...... girl he is Not waiting for you 😭😭😭 i hope it's evident in the fic that the reason daniel keeps rmbring 2016 is cause wanting max is a representation of wanting his own redbull slay era back, and he's clinging on this win like his last resort -- and the hint of resentment towards max now, for winning, for finally having the car that was promised to Daniel

I actually debated a lot about a particular scene that could go two ways.

1, they do a shoey in the hotel room, before everything else. Daniel being super into the ritual aspect and harkening back to The Past and max not being super into it but Daniel obv brushing it off

2. daniel wants to do the shoey after but max leaves and DR is like okay whatever we'll do it at Abu Dhabi/when the championship is won and max picks ME

didn't go with 1 because -- I already wrote the cognac scene and daniel pouring more for max, which is an intentional detail that would go remissed in a shoey AND cause champagne doesn't really get you that drunk. plus pathetic + delusional are the character notes I wanted to hit, so 2 really sealed the deal

I wondered what to put on Daniel's sex playlist, just to make it gross. so obviously John Mayer's your body is a wonderland ~~ ye, the weeknd, drake, pitbull but 2010s club fuckboy music. and ofc the CBAT Reddit song but sadly this fic is in 2021:/

I was actually debating how dubcon to make it. In my head I was turning a dial -- too dubcon/not dubcon enough. I knew I wanted Daniel to say, "it's tradition" but in a "hey, don't make me Say the situation we're in dictates the winner gets to fuck who they choose but hey I'm a Good Guy" way but I had to figure out how to get there. if max says No or I don't Want this, we go into full non con territory, if max reciprocates it's not dubcon Enough. truly I was in my Google docs like 🧪👩‍🔬⚗️

there's some Nico mentions, to highlight Daniel is thinking of 2016. but also because I was like 😈 why not

He remembers one time after Nico had blathered on and on how full-body Brazilian waxes gave him that millisecond edge over Lewis; Max and Daniel wanted to try out the body hair hypothesis. Max had been the giggling, willing subject completely hairless in the face so it wouldn't be too suspicious as Daniel went to town on the electric shaver. Arms, back, the soft fuzzy happy trail leading downwards… The coarser, darker curls nestled around the base of his dick, aroused and alert, as Daniel cleanly shaved it off; Max’s choked off little gasp as Daniel got to the balls, careful and hyperfocused. Daniel had eaten him out there, against the sink, Max shivering and sensitive everywhere and Daniel couldn't help but run his fingers over the smooth, hairless skin. Max had a mechanical engine failure the next race, and they chalked their hypothesis off to inconclusive.

this was important cause the baby maxiel WAS reciprocal!!! max used to be super into him!!!! so that the readers can contrast their past dynamic to what's happening now 🫣 also a ref to mondaycore's shaving carlando mafia au

Maybe Kelly prefers him like this, smooth like a baby. And obviously, good for them or whatever, but that age difference was a little suspect – cougar going after someone much younger. Daniel ignored that he was the same age as her, or that his girlfriend was the same age as Max and focused on the task at hand.

out of pocket, honestly. writer doesn't believe in subtext they're gonna spell it out.

“Condom?” Max yelps, a little panicked. And Daniel grins, proud of his little lion for learning about safe sex. Hopefully, that means he's not putting a baby in that girlfriend of his. There was a time when Max would beg him to bareback, cause he saw it in porn and wanted to try it; and as hot as the idea was, finishing inside Max, watching his hole desperately try to hold and spill the come it can't hold, Daniel was a single man back then and getting way too much pussy to even consider it. Although… if Max had been safe with his girlfriend, and he wasn't fucking anyone during his Winner’s Room picks…

this entire section was . i wanted to punch Daniel in the face. this is also incredibly delusional of Daniel to assume just cause Max is playing video games with Lando meant he wasn't fucking anyone (cause ooooobviously he's not picking Daniel so who would he been fucking?)

the part where Daniel's staring at him in the mirror in the bathroom is I think a good breather from everything that just happened, sort of post nut clarity lol. Daniel thinking Max will pull his share of the weight in the shower, since Daniel just did all the work now. It's not like he's keeping score except he totally is

Seeing Daniel, he looks a little guilty, like he got caught scrambling out as fast as he could,

Daniel even identifies it correctly, but refuses to acknowledge it for what it is.

They've crossed the minimum allotted time for the FIA, and he can't actually stop Max from leaving.

this is a throwaway line but it's so fucking telling. skull emoji. 💀 also a bit of world building for the WR rules

“I'm not 19 anymore.” Max says pointedly, and what does that have to do with anything? Max shrugs his polo on and when Daniel doesn't say anything or try to stop him, softens. “Listen, this was…” Max searches for an adjective that does not come. Daniel fills it in his mind, ‘great’, ‘mind-blowing’, ‘simply lovely’, “Yeah. Congrats again on the win, Daniel.”

so many things were happening in this paragraph!!! but mostly Daniel filling in the blanks and Max not saying anything is SOOOO shjdjfjdk

then to soften out daniel, he says he believes in max WDC. And he does! and maybe there was a time when max would've needed to hear this, but now it's just a nice thing to hear. he doesn't need Daniel like that anymore

someone in the comments was like "noo I feel so bad for daniel" and i was like 😭 why...... he's completely absorbed in his own ego and trying to ignore his flop era (that's why the lando mentions!!!), and when he has even a modicum of power (race win), he feels entitled to it. if anything the ending to Me is comeuppance. but I also respect once it's out into the world; everyone has their own interpretation of the fic.

i can go on and on, but it's already embarrassingly long. uhh I listened to Drake's Find Your Love like a million times to get into Daniel POV.

I'm more than just an option, refuse to be forgotten

I'm really happy with the fic, I think it's what I wanted the monza WR to be, and it's still fun to read despite The Horrors

[myscprin]

15 questions, 15 people

Thank you for the tag @erzsebetrosztoczy NOT TOO LATE THIS TIME, so i'll be tagging peeps too ^^

LET'S LEARN AS MUTUALS!

I'm gonna go against the grain and tag up here *shrug* Booping: @pinkgelatin @oblivious-troll-main @vorpalfanficberry @sempercry @ill-heart @108garys @ultrabananapudding @the-girl-who-flies @you1gnorant5lut @ringo-smile @doorfighter @raoneven @yesitsloulou @thisismedannyy @endovelicus

I know it says 15 questions, 15 people, but if you see this and want in, JUST PLAY, CONSIDER YOURSELF TAGGED AND C'MON IN!

Nickname: Mysc... self titled lol IRL the only nickname I've ever been given was 'Kidney' 'cause I be filtering shit for better or for worse.

Sign: Cancer 🦀

Height: Vengeful 148cm (4'10" for freedomers...I say as if I am not a freedomer lol)

Last thing I googled: "How to look up all words you left comments on ao3" 👁👄👁

Number of followers: 243 c: As far as I'm aware, I've cleared out all the pornbots, but I'm not sure how much longer I can fend them off

Song stuck in my head: "Lets take a Rocketship to Space" - Phineas and Ferb. Literally had this playing on loop as I was writing my 'Love in the Air' fic

Amount of sleep: Usually 4-6hours. BUT I've been on break and activated sloth mode and get ~14hrs throughout the 24hrs (that's why y'all have been bothered by my ass seemingly 24/7)

Dream Job: I've said it since I was in 3rd grade-- FREELOADER. But I guess in modern terms.. sugar baby? I JUST WANNA BE ABLE TO CONFORTABLY SLEEP AND CONSUME (foods and fandom stuff). But I guess Medical Lab Scientist is second best 💁

Currently Wearing: ToyStory T-shirt with leggings and this BIG ASS WARM, FLUFFY GRAY ROBE that is my blanket throughout this frozen winter

Movies/Books that summarize you: Uhm.. I'm blanking on all pop culture references. The only thing that comes to mind is my siblings always yell "THAT'S YOU" whenever they see Scrat from Ice Age Movies. Idk if that answers the question but that'll be close enough

Favorite Instrument: Cello. Or Bass. Something deep and mellow, but can also SLAP

Favorite Song: McFly - Star Girl. I usually flip flop between 2, but this is the one now c:

Aesthetic: CUTESY, YET COMFORTABLE PINK. I would be absolutely unhinged pink, but not with my current funds rip

Favorite Authors: Hate to admit that I don't read mainstream, published books, so y'all get fan fic authors from ao3 instead! I'm going to feel so guilty forgetting so many people but off the top of my head in no particular order: seraphjewel, xxbishopxx, cupofbrownsugar, ctrvpani, and ehl. Moving on before I guilt myself into going over to ao3 and pulling up my subscriptions list. IF I TAGGED YOU TO PLAY, you are also in this list. I figured y'all can see each other being tagged. #twobirds #onestone #i'mthinkingtonight Also also gotta shoutout my favorites from the 19 days fandom: minisoysquares and deenuke.

Random Fun Fact: I make really good, realistic pig noises. I've never been able to explain it IRL, but the best way I can describe it is by squishing the air in my mouth. As I'm formatting, I've realized my narcissistic ass made the fun fact about myself. TRUE TRUE RANDOM FACT: Beavers, with their freaky-ass-awesome-orange-because-its-iron-fortified/oxidized teeth, CAN INDEED chew down WHOLE ASS TREES. LOOK AT THIS LITTLE GUY. The tree itself is small, but they can take down WHOLEASS i-- i just cannot with these animals.

Thanks for making it to the end! 💛 I gotta really shave down how I answer, because I realize y'all may not wanna read a whole autobiography of a tumblr that spams you all the time 😅

[imherebabycakes]

DonnieXfemreader

SHEABUTTABABY

🍯🍫pt 2

fyi: I am currently just typing on my phone I haven’t yet switched to my laptop to write. Im writing just for fun I’m not the best at punctuations so bear with me.

im giving our leading lady a name But you guys can definitely yourselves in its place.

⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️

BLAZE MARIE’S pov:

4|1/2 hours earlier:

just getting back to New York from dc, i celebrated the 3rd annual “moechella” concert/movement. you honestly have to be from DC to understand what it for & about, or you could just google it lol .

feeling tired i headed to my new luxury apartment in Brooklyn courtesy of my favorite uncle who pays half my rent who just so happens to be the richest person in the family well at least on my mom side. finally home i immediately throw my duffle bag down at the front door then locking it after. my place was in complete darkness & a little cold just how I liked it , so I took a nap not only because I was tired but later on Im meeting my home girls to go to a new club called the double take in manhattan, which I was kind of reluctant to go because nothing is usually lit around there for my liking.

……….

A few hours later the time now being 9pm & my bff Kamaree told me to meet her & the others at club. already showered,shaved,and hair in a sleek low bun I still don’t know what to wear & by now the bed was covered with different outfit choices of shoes,clothes & purses , yet nothing came to mind. 

though I have an hourglass shape I’m definitely on the thicker side , a couple of love handles over here and I definitely have a belly pudge, and don’t get me started on the cellulite at the back of my thighs. *ugh* i hate it. but anyways I’m still a baddie, because my personality is fire and the face card never declines oh and I have ass for days…..

I finally decided on a simple but sexy little silk black dress with a slit on the side along with some black stiletto like wedges, while putting my favorite red lipstick on *ruby woo* i remembered that I had to bring some protection with me, walking back towards the bed kneeling down to reach underneath a little until i felt what I was looking for . pulling out the black case that encloses my Glock10mm. i bring this baby almost everywhere i can legally thanks to me being a veteran it definitely has its perks. I quickly put it in my sexy lace garter holster, making sure it blends in perfectly with no bulky ness in place I quickly head back to The bathroom to lay my edges and just as I’m finishing up kamaree calls me.

kamaree : 🗣 girl where are you!! come yo ass on, im not standing in nobody’s line even if it is ladies night.

me: ight, ight im omw now you ain’t gotta yell. gaahleee lol

I grabbed my keys,a little clutch purse , a palm sized wallet that inclosed my id credit/debit cards and a $20 bill, A quick look in the mirror and I was out the door. I walked out the building towards an old ass 1999 Nissan Ultima, I only kept it for sentimental values because this was my granddad’s car and he recently passed away this year and he left it to me…..

(15-20 minute passes by she gets to the club sees her other friends & they basically party the night away) 

The time was 3am & I was a little tipsy but not drunk I knew where I was at and where I was going,  my friends offered to walk me to my car but I insisted that I was OK and I had my “mousekatool” with me.

walking to my car I got my keys ready to unlock the door, coming up on the car I inserted the key and pull the handle, no good,

*ugh this stupid door*

i hate it when it jammed, I remember the trick my granddad taught me to open the door but me being a little tipsy I guess I didn’t have the strength to do it 

 unbeknownst to me two men were standing a block over watching the whole thing, and I guess to them I looked like an easy target , I could honestly see why I definitely wasn’t aware of my surroundings and what I had on didn’t make it any better nor was i fully sober. I finally got the door to pop open & just when it did masked men abruptly came behind me and ask for money & all my belongings, when I turned around there were two of them and they both had big ass knives.

thinking quickly and my adrenaline pumping, i acted like a helpless damsel in distress,

oh please don’t hurt me”

please take what you want”

as soon as I seen they were letting their guard down a little after taking my purse and keys

i quickly sprung my gun from my upper thigh holster took the safety off and yelled

GET THE FUCK BACK!!! , & DROP THE FUCKING KNIVES BEFORE I START BLASTING DICKS OFF…..

their eyes went wide as if they’d just seen a ghost they immediately put their hands up and did what was told….

and drop my keys and purse too bitches.

almost immediately after doing so the cowards took off running. 

and good thing too because I immediately fell to my knees and took a few deep breath‘s.  realizing what could’ve happened had I not had my protection.

just as I’m gathering myself , getting my keys,purse & wallet, i hear someone say proudly with glee

“YOU GO GIRL”

standing to my feet fast I yell

WHO’S THERE?….,,, CU….,CUZ NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR GAMES MOTHER FUCKER!!

another voice says in a smugg tone

“Damn idk if im scared or turned”

gun still out & ready i step back so that my back can be on my car for cover…i say….

Look I don’t have anything for you, im just trying to get home…please just leave me be….pl…please

that same gleefully voice says,

“ We’re not gonna hurt love muffin where the good guys !! and we all just seen the whole thing go down, we were about to help you but you can clearly take care of yourself”

well who are you?…..and……. where are you ?

the voice says well…..

“if we show you who we are promise you won’t freak out and scream?”

“ oh and please put the gun away ma’am” 

Panic and curiosity now taking over my mind and body I reluctantly put my gun away and say

Okay!

with The quickness I hear multiple grunts & thuds behind The other side of my car.

I slowly, And I do mean slowly lift up to peek through the other side through the glass, and I see what looks to be shells in resemblance to turtle or tortoise. 

i stand all the way up, eyes wide i look in amazement & shock at four big ass turtle/human like men.

ummm hey….. i say nervously walking towards them

the orange masked turtle greeted me first with a energetic but sweet demeanor

mikey: hey wasssup girl im Michelangelo but everyone calls me Mikey

hey mickey i give a smile…

mikey: dame your more beautiful up close and you smell really good….

me: i slightly chuckle and blush thank you

then he introduced me to the other three, The one wearing the red mask is Rafael and he is big as fuck , body builders ain’t got shit on him he has a scar on his lip and was chewing a toothpick looking mean, The one in blue mask is Leonardo, he was buff as well but it was more defined, he looked like he had a “not to be played with attitude” but was chill with it.  then there was The last turtle wearing a purple mask, and the tallest & slimmest of the 4 named Donatello, sporting gadgets all over and wearing goggles and some taped together glasses… they are all very handsome actually.

mikey: WE ARE!! mikey says excitedly 

me: dame did i say that out loud?

mikey: see bro’s i told you we looked good.

Leonardo: hold on,we told you who we are, now whats your name?

me: oh you right, my fault slim…my…. my name is Blaze…. Blaze marie.

Leonardo: BLAZE !!! thats your name???? leo says with confusion and scrunched up face

me: LEONARDO that yours??? i fire back Quick with a slight sass behind it



Rafael & mickey bust out laughing

“she got you there fearless”

*Leonardo just rolls his eyes and walks away*

Rafael: i noticed ya accent, ur not from here are ya?

me: nah moe im frm dc

mikey: moe? what does that mean he says with curiosity.

oh its actually the same as saying bro or Shorty.. oh okay say’s Mikey i like it as he beams a bright smile at me. I guess it’s OK just a little weird says Rafael. i shot back with ah yea ok you big hater, me and Mikey giggle to one another. he scoffs and walks away still chewing on the worn down toothpick. out of my peripheral vision I can see the purple turtle eyeing me like aloof prey……. so i look up and say you like what you see huh with a sly smirk, he embarrassingly snaps out of his trance and says im sorry i was just in deep thought, i chuckled oh really what were you thinking about green bean. while stuttering he say’s i.. i ….ummm..i really love your eyes, they are beautiful i dont think i’ve seen anyone with grey eyes like yours they are truly breathtaking. damn bro you trying to push up my lady now say’s mikey lol , heat rising from my chest and a quick shiver running down my spine i say thank you to the man in purple. thank god im black cuz my cheeks would be red like a tomato right now











[chaletnz]

San Jose to Manuel Antonio

I woke up and took a long shower to warm up and chose this day to shave too since there was hot water, a big sink, and clean towels - it was probably going to be downhill from here. Everyone had arrived at 8am on the dot for breakfast so when I went down at 8.15 the big table was full and I sat by myself for my rice and beans, toast, papaya and piña but Georgi joined me with her Starbucks breakfast. After breakfast it was time for a cafe trip to Cafeoteca. I’d expected it to be just me, Tyrza and Deme but then suddenly half the group wanted to join and we needed to request a table for eight. Right as we got the table Max decided to say his dramatic farewell and leave us. I had my usual flat white which was decent and the other drinks all looked good too, Emily ordered a mimosa and necked it in one gulp. So classy. We dropped off the group back at the hotel and then Tyrza and I took the local bus into central San Jose to visit the market, Metropolitan Cathedral of San Jose, and Morazan Park. There were a lot of people on the streets begging for money with signs saying they were refugees from Venezuela trying to get to the USA. It started to get really busy and we were a little anxious of our bags and valuables so we went to McDonalds for lunch and used the wifi to plan out our bus ride back to the hotel. I charged up my phone a bit, farewelled Tyrza, and then took my bag back on another bus towards the bus station. I had to walk for 15 minutes to get there but luckily it was all downhill and San Jose is not hot at all! I figured it all out for myself and ordered a bus ticket in what I believe was the correct Spanish then say to wait in the chaos of the bus station. It only cost me about $9 for the ticket from San Jose to Manuel Antonio and it left promptly on 2.30, delayed only by some locals who drove up in front of the bus so it couldn’t pull out, hoping they would be able to get on but the driver wouldn’t allow it and they were honked out of the way. The guy beside me spent a while Google translating how to ask in English to recline the seat and when he finally asked the French and German girls behind us the seat ended up not being able to recline anyway! There was a roadside stop on the way and I bought a grilled meat skewer “pincho” and a red Fanta for about $3. Maybe I’d get food poisoning, who knows? The guy beside me didn’t get back on so I surmised either he meant to get off in the middle of nowhere or he missed the bus. Unfortunately he was replaced by a guy with horrible cat breath. The driver wouldn’t let me off close to the hotel because my bag was under the bus so I got dropped off way down the road. It was raining but I was only about 10 minutes walk away so I legged it before it for heavier. The girls from behind me and a British guy had much bigger bags than me so they took shelter at the bus stop and tried their luck with Uber. I’m glad I walked because on the way I saw a guy stop his car to poke a huge snake off the road with a stick! My room in the hotel was a guides room so it was like a hallway with bunk beds, it was also swarming in mosquitos and I killed about 6 as I walked inside. The room couldn’t reach the wifi network, the only power outlet was on the roof, sheets weren’t even on the bed, and I’m either sleeping under a curtain - or there is a duvet covering the window!

[violetfoxviolarose]

Even More N.E.R.D.S. Incorrect Quotes.

Definitely stealing some of these for my NERDS side project I'm working on (*cough* it's on ao3 *cough*) in between my main fic. Enjoy friends!

Heathcliff: I have issues.

Jackson: Finally, you admit it! The first step to redemption is accept-

Heathcliff: With you.

~~~~~

Julio: When I get Doordash I order 20 Cheeseburgers at a time and heat them up throughout the week so that I don’t have to pay the delivery fee multiple times.

Matilda: I hope you understand how food poisoning works.

Julio: I hope food poisoning understands how I work. I never met a burger i couldn’t eat.

~~~~~

Any of them, tbh: Well, if you're not at least a little bit gay for your friends, then what kind of friend are you?

~~~~~

Heathcliff: Oh man, you have any shaving cream?

Julio: No, I don't like the way that it tastes.

Heathcliff: Wait… you eat shaving cream?

Julio: No. Why would I eat it if I don't like the taste.

~~~~~

Julio, to Jackson: You're starting to forget your Spanish. You don't practice.

Jackson: Lo siento. Estoy embarazada.

Julio: You just told me you're pregnant.

Matilda: Congratulations Jackson, you're glowing!

~~~~~~~

Jackson: Wait a minute, how did this happen? We're smarter than this!

Julio: Apparently, we're not.

~~~~~~~

Julio: What happened to your nose?

Matilda: I used it to break some guy's fist.

~~~~~

Ruby: *double checking supplies in the boat* Compass. CB radio. Sunscreen.

Jackson: Hot dog costumes!

Ruby: I’m sorry, what?

Jackson: You know, in case we get lost at sea, and one of us, probably Julio, goes mad with hunger, we’ll put these on. Julio hates hot dogs, so he probably won’t eat us.

Ruby: Are you saying that Julio would rather eat us than hot dogs?

Julio: I do hate hot dogs.

~~~~~

Jackson: Why are your tongues purple?

Duncan: We had slushies. I had a blue one.

Matilda: I had a red one.

Jackson: oh.

Jackson:

Jackson: OH.

Heathcliff:

Heathcliff: You drank each other's slushies?

~~~~~

Ruby: It's called cauliflower, not ghost broccoli.

Julio: I know what I saw.

~~~~~

Jackson: The risk I took was calculated but, man, am I bad at math.

~~~~~

Julio: So uh, for this party and everything, do you, uh…

Heathcliff, sighing: You don't know how to dress for this, do you?

Julio, panicked: WHAT IS CLOTHES???

~~~~~

Matilda: I need to dye my hair.

Ruby: …

Matilda: Or get another tattoo.

Ruby: …

Matilda: Or a new piercing.

Ruby: Why?

Matilda: To, you know, appease the mental breakdown gods.

~~~~~

Julio: Is the pink panther a lion?

Jackson: Say that again but slower.

Julio: I don’t get it.

Jackson: He’s a PANTHER.

Julio: Is that a type of lion?

Jackson: No, it’s a fucking panther.

Julio: *googles panther* They aren’t pink?

Jackson: AND LIONS ARE?!

~~~~~

Ruby: I swear to god I'm the only one here with a braincell.

Duncan, Jackson, Heathcliff, and Julio: ALL HAIL the keeper of the sacred braincell!

~~~~~

Duncan: I told Julio to grab snacks for everyone.

Ruby, looking through the options: Why did you grab fruit snacks? Are you five? Who even likes fruit snacks?

*Duncan, Heathcliff, and Julio raise their hands*

~~~~~

Julio: If I were a drink, I'd be Cherry Vanilla Coke. If you were a drink, what would you be?

Ruby: Bleach.

Jackson: Sewage.

Julio: …Please calm down, edgelords.

~~~~~

Jackson: Which country has the most birds?

Jackson: Portu-geese!

Ruby: That's a language.

Jackson: Portu-gull?

Ruby: Good recovery.

Matilda: I think you mean good re-dovery.

Julio: TURKEY. HOW DID WE MISS TURKEY?

~~~~~

Ruby: I made lightly fried fish fillets for dinner.

Heathcliff: Ruby, It’s 1:15 am, what the fuck.

Ruby: Do you want the lightly fried fish fillets or not.

Heathcliff: Well, I mean yeah.

Ruby: So come downstairs while they’re still hot.

Heathcliff: Wait, you just made them?

Ruby: Yeah, I wasn’t tired so I decided to make lightly fried fish fillets.

Heathcliff: Say lightly fried fish fillets one more time Ruby.

~~~~~

Ruby: We should normalize not loving family members.

Heathcliff: You can just say: “I hate my dumb fuck uncle” or whatever. Talk like a normal person!

~~~~~

Jackson: Subs are so fun to play with. All you have to do is hint at what you might do, back them into a corner with a look, or grab their wrist in a certain way and they're a wide-eyed mess.

Duncan: What the fuck kind of Subway are you going to?

Ruby: Substitute teachers deal with so much shit.

Matilda: Guys.

~~~~~

Julio: I'm bored, any suggestions?

Matilda: Sleeping is nice.

Julio: I acknowledge your suggestion, and I’m deciding to ignore it.

~~~~~

Julio: Blue M&Ms are the best.

Matilda: whAT IS THIS SLANDER?

Julio: What about it? They are.

Matilda: I WILL NOT ALLOW SUCH LIES ON MY CHRISTIAN MINECRAFT SERVER!

Matilda: THE RED ONES ARE THE BEST!

Julio: YEAH? WELL YOUR MOM'S A HO!

Heathcliff: They're all chocolate inside, the colors don't mean anything.

Jackson: I like the yellow ones.

Julio and Matilda: SHUT THE FUCK YOUR MOUTH!

~~~~~

Jackson: What if the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything?

Jackson: Pregnancy tests are Maybe Babies.

Heathcliff: Socks are Feetie Heaties.

Duncan: Defibrillators are Heartie Starties.

Matilda: Nightmares are Dreamy Screamies.

Julio: Stamps are Lickie Stickies.

Ruby: I hate you guys so much.

~~~~~

Heathcliff: Can you recommend a book that'll make me cry?

Jackson: General Mathematics 8th Grade Edition.

~~~~~

Ruby: Everyone knows that Santa is an invention designed by the big five corporations to sell tinsel and video games to an unsuspecting public.

Matilda: The whole “childhood wonder” stage just blew right past you, didn’t it?

~~~~~

Matilda: I'm not that stupid!

Heathcliff: Matilda, you literally ate the wax from a babybel.

Matilda: JACKSON TOLD ME IT WAS EDIBLE!

~~~~~

Julio: I’m the smartest, wisest person in this group.

Matilda: Really? Then why is your hand stuck in a vending machine?

Julio: I paid for my Mars Bar, I’m getting my Mars Bar.

~~~~~

Duncan: Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the things you lost throughout your life.

Julio: It would be nice to have my sense of purpose back…

Heathcliff: Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this.

Ruby: My will to live! I haven't seen this in years.

Jackson: I knew I lost that potential somewhere.

Matilda: Mental stability, my old friend!

Duncan: Jesus, could you guys lighten up a little?