#happy fourteen years in limbo

[studiofelix]

Little Guys that Look Like Me: Loving Myself by Proxy

There are few scenarios where a twenty-something with low self esteem would create something physical in their own image. At 20, I would have sooner eaten bird seed than intentionally made something to look like me. At 21, I found myself doing so, lovingly and painstakingly. It changed me.

It was a first-time-meeting-you-in-real-life present. I crocheted a small doll, no larger than four of five inches in height. I switched colors as I crocheted him, navy for the hair, peach for the skin, pink for the shirt, teal for the pants. I sewed a few flat pieces to his head to look like the fringe I had at the time and lovingly stitched “I <3 U” onto his chest.

It felt strange, blasphemous almost. In the same way young Catholics are told not to take the Lord’s name in vain, I hadn’t dared to create an honest and sincere depiction of myself since the 9th grade. And even then, the portraits that I had drawn at that point had a critical and angsty air to them, but in all fairness, can you really expect anything different from a fourteen year old?

My limited and self-deprecating journey in self portraiture had met its match: creating a simple, happy mini-me for someone I loved, a lesson in carefully crafted self image.

Anthropomorphism: assigning human emotions and traits to inanimate objects. This was a tendency I had growing up, have now, and will have for the rest of my life. It is carefully woven into my experience of growing up as a late-diagnosed autistic, my experience of navigating the world in a limbo state of partial understanding and uncertainty. The dolls, stuffed animals, virtual pets; they are often cast aside as unimportant and unworthy once a child has outgrown them. This makes perfect sense to the average adult. They are not human, not even animals. Their insides are plastic and polyfill and tiny, unsophisticated PCB; they do not bleed and die as we do.

But imagine being human and feeling those things so deeply and fundamentally without knowing why. Your peers are better than you; they make friends easily; they do not struggle to find understanding in each other. You, on the other hand, have had trouble—have been the trouble—in some capacity in nearly every interpersonal relationship you’ve had. This story is not new to you, reader—whether you’re the protagonist, villain, love interest, bystander—you just didn't know that you've been playing a part. I see these objects as extensions of my experience; I can’t stifle the thought of their plight.

I continued crocheting my mini-me, Pocket BF, as I called him. Suddenly he had a face, and this was what gave him feelings. I looked at him. I pet the side of his face as I sewed his hair into his scalp. “Almost done,” I said to comfort him. A mirror image of myself, but one that I now held inexplicable affection for instead of unremarkable, everyday disdain. I didn’t want him to hurt. I wanted him to be happy. He didn’t deserve to feel sad.

Despite this seed of self-love (if you can call it that), there was a disconnect. This love I had for this little guy that looked like me, confusing and paradigm-shifting as it was, did not transfer to my feelings toward myself yet. And as I wrapped Pocket BF in tissue paper, placed him in a box, told him he’d be out soon, and wrapped my gift to my soon(ish)-to-be ex-fiance, the spark of this near revelation would be buried for a while.

Obviously it didn’t work out. When you’ve been engaged for two years with no plans to get married or move in together or even to the same state, the writing is on the wall in a dull and uninspiring script, and it’s been there so long that the paint is starting to chip. Although I must confess, I do partially blame myself; there is a very specific intersection of youth, stupidity, charmingly trite dedication, and earth-shattering codependency that will possess you to propose to your long distance boyfriend of one year. He will dump you over text, the day before valentines day, almost exactly two years later, so don't make my mistake. You've been warned.

The absolute beacon of wisdom and mental fortitude I was (or wasn’t) at 21, aside, the unceremonious and, dare I say, absolutely out-of-pocket-cruel discarding of our relationship that he doled out a few years later devastated me. He’s not a bad person; I hope he finds happiness (and therapy. My God, I hope he gets therapy); I wish him well; etcetera. I coped the best I could, ruminated on everything I could have possibly said or done wrong, cried and cried and cried, standard breakup stuff.

One of the things that helped to carry me, though, was my special interest in a certain video game pairing. They outlived our entire relationship; they were there with me when it began, and they were still there as the rubbled ruin of it began to grow flowers through the cracked stone. I tend to pick a character that I see myself in and project onto them. My art of this character began as pretty on-model; he was very recognizable as his canon self with the only main differences being a matter of style, a few headcanons here and there.

This was at a time in my life where I had started to gain weight (think the freshman fifteen if it was a year later and also fifty pounds instead). Looking back on it now, this was only the natural course my body chose to take. The thing that no one tells you about testosterone therapy is that it quite literally turns you into a carbon copy of your father. My young, twink body softened into a round ball of a belly. My hairline began to recede. What I believed was the result of these objectively neutral changes was actually the result of deeply rooted, internalized fatphobia and a general fear of aging.

I so badly wished to be skinny again. I wished to look like my favorite character again. I wanted it so viscerally that I shuffled through diet attempts and would-be exercise programs in a desperate Hail Mary for a fleeting look akin to a starving Victorian boy.

In one of my nearly daily bouts of self-pity, I said out loud that I wished I could draw Felix, this character I loved and saw as myself, as fat. I had started drawing his partner (well, the character who should have been his partner) as fat, and I was able to get away with it without much pushback from the fandom. And then I had the cartoonishly obvious realization that actually, I could draw whatever the hell I want literally for the rest of my life.

This, honest to God, changed my life. No longer was I drawing this character as the unattainably skinny little twink I wished to be. I drew him to look like me. I gave him rolls and a stomach that protruded out past his waistline. Later on, I’d start drawing him with freckles and a receding hairline as well, hair on his shoulders, round cheeks.

I drew him loved. I drew him happy. I drew him confident in his body and in the space he took up. Broadly speaking, it wasn’t received well. I lost most of my engagement and a lot of my Twitter audience. A hoard of people whose fatphobia was conditional but still there; you could make some characters fat without a problem, but touch the designated fandom twink, and you might as well have deleted your account.

What came from this petty loss, though, were a select few who loved my Felix. A handful of people who felt seen by my art, seen by the care with which I drew these characters, with the realism of fat bodies drawn lovingly—not realism in the sense of style but realism in the sense of believability. I drew (and still draw) them so they feel real. I draw them in a way that I hope makes people like me feel at home.

This healed my self-image by leaps and bounds. Despite the discretely sour reaction I got from most of Twitter, I did find brief and minor Tiktok fame from making tutorials about how to draw fat people. When I draw Felix and Sylvain, I treat them, and ultimately myself, with the love and care deserved. He is another little guy that looks like me. And I loved him dearly. I still do.

My self esteem still needed work, though.

Six months ago, I picked Tomodachi Life for the 3DS back up. I got the game when I was a teenager and played it religiously for a few weeks before losing interest and cycling on to my next video game fixation. I would pick it back up a few more times sporadically over the years—this is the nature of how I play video games. In Tomodachi Life, you manage an island of Miis (Nintendo’s primitive customizable characters that date back to the Wii). You feed them, interact with them, buy them clothes and apartments, and watch their relationships form and change and break. The game starts with the player creating a character that looks like themself—or, how the game puts it, their look-alike.

My look-alike from this play through naturally looked drastically different from my previous play throughs. I made him look like a cute, low-poly version of myself. I made his voice sound as similar to mine as it could within the bounds of 2013 video game technology. I gave him a pink, sparkly apartment theme, dresses, shirts, accessories, his favorite foods, etcetera. I pet him on the head and listened to what he had to say. Just like Pocket BF, just like Felix, I felt a massive amount of love and affection towards him, different than before but still so much the same. This reflection of me could talk; he could walk around his little room. He got married to Sylvain. He had kids with him. He could tell me he was glad we met.

And he could tell me he missed me. By chance, I neglected to check on him for a few days while solving problems for the other Miis. When I tapped on his room, he came towards the screen and said something like, “My look-alike! I haven’t seen you all week! How have you been?”

A feeling of guilt washed over me. How could I have abandoned this little guy? This little guy that looked like me? Had I hurt his feelings? Had I made him sad? He seemed alright. He walked around his room while swinging his arms back and forth. And I soon realized, how could I feel such empathy and kindness towards him, but not feel any of that toward myself? Here it was, my empathy for inanimate objects, friendly pixels, and downright apparitions, in a violent coup against my own self hatred. I am not pixels on a screen or a handmade plush or my idea for what a video game character should have been. I am a living, breathing creature who bleeds when I’m cut. I am a person who has feelings, a person who does not deserve the pain I’ve caused myself by my own hand. I deserve the love and care that I show these self portraits, these vignettes of my simplest self. The rabid beast of my most complex self deserves it as well.

How many times have I looked at myself in the mirror and picked at my skin, picked at my image, picked at my actions, my voice, who I am, the very fabric of my fragile little existence? Too many, and yeah, I'll probably do it again. But maybe instead someday I'll greet myself with a smile, with a "My look-alike! I haven't seen you all day!" With a gentle touch, one reserved for a handmade gift. And maybe this one won't get put in a closet or given to Goodwill, or whatever ex-fiances do with iconography of their past. Little guys that look like me are my past. They are my present. And, although the battle is only halfway fought, they taught me how to love myself by proxy.

[pawpunkao3]

what's your problem with fabians story in canon? /gen /nm

Okay this is. TBH I adore Fabian's story overall but the ONE THING i cant abide his how canon treated his parents. Both of them are canonically physically abusive (Bill slams his head into the ground and Hallariel threatens to duel him to the death, which is implied to be serious), neglectful (Bill stunted Fabian's emotional growth by refusing to let him work hard for good things or view others as his equals, and Hallariel-- well she can't be fully blamed for her addiction but it also probably wasn't great for Fabian), and Bill at least is also emotionally abusive (he treats Fabian as an extension of himself, tells him that he is the most important person in the world and he shouldn't have close friends, and, like, he got that toxic masculinity from SOMEWHERE).

But all the other players and seemingly canon treat that as if it's not a big deal. Angwyn and Arianwen get fucking merked (deservedly), and Kristen never talks to her parents after FY, but Fabian still lives with the mom that spent 90% of his life emotionally not there and the other 10% making his house unsafe for him, and had a part where he tried to reconcile with his dad and. Had to accept his not-apology where he STILL refused to admit his son might have an identity completely apart from Bill. Adaine and Kristen get closure; Fabian is in limbo.

It's also so sad to me that just. He clearly doesn't know. Nobody's given him a hint that it's maybe not great that for fourteen years he never disagreed with his dad and never even meaningfully interacted with his mom. Not even Jawbone, whose literal job it is to notice when kids need help. The most he did was point out that Fabian has some self-harming tendencies and suggest he come to his office (which he probably never did because surely then Jawbone would realize he was being abused). Not even Adaine or Kristen, who are also survivors! It just sucks man.

Anyway if I were in charge of D20 I'd plot an arc for Fabian to recognize that its Bad that his parents would prefer him to be lethal than well-adjusted or happy, and hopefully the other bad kids would be a bit more supportive and not just be like "but your dad let us do cocaine tho :("

It also kinda smacks of the double standard of abuse where abuse of (tbh white) women is treated slightly less like a joke than abuse of (tbh marginalized) men bc women are Valuable Property to be protected where as men are just Meat Shields. Not that I think anyone at D20 holds that opinion consciously or otherwise

[the-great-elwisty]

Day 29: How your adventure(s) should have really ended

A/N: Here's a bit of meta which, despite the claim in the first sentence, I've been writing in fragments over a few months. It's quite appropriate for today. Please join in with your own ideas!

Over the last couple of days, I’ve found myself wondering at what point Rocks Fall Everyone Dies became the plan for the end of Neverwinter Nights 2. Was that always what Obsidian were working towards? Or was it something that happened as they were struggling to get the last Act done in time for Atari’s deadline?

Here are a few different ideas for an alternative finale, some of which segue into Mask of the Betrayer, some of which would be more suited to the earlier, abandoned idea of a Planar adventure involving the githzerai/githyanki. (No source for that; it’s something I vaguely remember reading about fourteen – aaaaargh!!! – years ago.)

After the final battle, rocks do not fall. It turns out that the ancient architects of the final dungeon really knew what they were doing when they put in the foundations. Instead, the PC and companions are victorious and return to the surface. Big reception a la Dragon Age in Crossroad Keep. Dialogue with the companion you have the highest influence with. “So what will you do if you survive?” “I’m going to look for another adventure/stay in Crossroad Keep/restore West Harbour etc.” End game, role the epilogues. XP1 could start with a new character, or have the old one being kidnapped from their chosen life. Would this have been too vanilla for Obsidian devs? Probably. It’s much more of a Bioware-style ending. I think I could have been happy with it though.

The King of Shadows is dead; rocks are starting to come down. Zhjaeve or Ammon approaches with a desperate escape plan depending on who has the highest influence. They open a portal, the PC and companions go through to Limbo (Zhjaeve) or Stygia/somewhere really nasty (Ammon), and doubtless end up scattered all over the place, giving the devs a chance to introduce a new set of characters in XP1 without killing all the old ones. Regardless of your starting point, you would ultimately visit Limbo/the Hells as part of the campaign, thus not wasting a location on just half of all PCs.

The final battle changes – it’s not just about defeating the King of Shadows, but about freeing him from the Shadow Weave. This scenario could end with the person-who-became-the-Guardian restored, like Akachi, to his former identity, and the PC taking on the mantle of Illefarn Guardian, perhaps in a ceremonial or more real capacity: the spirit of the Guardian-that-was refuses to depart until the PC in some measure accepts the burden. If the PC doesn’t want it, a high-influence companion could accept it in their stead. (Grobnar as supernatural protector of the Sword Coast along with his Wendersnaven assistants??) Actually, I could see anyone except Zhjaeve (too extra-planar) and Sand/Qara (too self-interested) in the role. A chastened Bishop might do it if he could be persuaded back after his betrayal. The downside of this scenario is that most of the OC appears to be saying that lone heroes are a bad idea. The Guardian was not a good plan; no society should allow one person to turn themselves into a sacrificial lamb for their benefit – and those that do (like the Illefarn) will find it has unpleasant consequences. Also: do not be like Casavir. Do not be like Ammon Jerro. (And maybe with foresight: do not be like Akachi.) The PC wins by relying on their companions, their connections, and the apparatus of the Neverwinter state. So a campaign that ends with a single character taking on the job of Guardian would be more of a tragic ending than anything else – it’s just a matter of time until they make a big mistake and fuck up. Unless we are meant to believe that the person who inherits the mantle is just super special and can do what they like, as many politicians seem to believe of themselves with alarming ease. As you might guess, I don’t like that idea.

A final fun idea, again stealing from Dragon Age (I’m thinking of the escape from Fort Drakon sequence). Again, we use companion influence to determine the ending. This time, your companion with the most influence will take the lead and successfully work out a way for you to get out. Precisely how they do this will vary in line with characterisation. (Elanee’s druidic instincts lead her to the correct exit; Sand conjures magical protection; Khelgar uses his dwarven knowledge of how underground structures work/encourages the PC not to give up/Qara blasts through pile of rocks blocking a passage/Grobnar…summons the Wendersnaven to our aid…?) Maybe they all cooperate. Who knows? Rather than end with That Cutscene, you get to play through an extra escape level before stumbling out into sunshine and party-time on the surface.

But I have also asked myself – do I really want the ending changed? Perhaps the sudden collapse of the final dungeon is the natural end point for a game that can’t quite bring itself to be a complete heroic fantasy.

And then I answer my own bloody stupid rhetorical question. Of course I want the sodding ending changed. After sixty hours of play, my protagonist deserves more than some stills and a droning narrator, all assembled on a ha’penny budget at speed, in the moment that they’ve won the final battle and should be having some sort of catharsis.

If the rocks have got to fall, I want my PC sitting with their companions in a hidden refuge waiting for rescue. It’d be Waiting For Godot if Vladimir and Estragon were a ten-person collective of bad temper, irony and curious fashion choices. Bishop is allowed to join the squat-in if he walked away from the final battle.

PC: Well, shall we go?

Casavir: Yes, let us go.

[They do not move]

[radiomagdalene]

Hi Tubbo Tubbo Tubbo Tubbo Tubbo Tubbo Tubbo Tubbo Tubbo Tubbo never mind

I get so excited to write to you but I waste all my paper doing things like that. Lucky you’ll never see this I’m lucky I’m lucky I’m here and you’re there and you’re so alive you’re so alive and that’s lucky lucky lucky

I cannot ask you how you are. Here is how you would reply probably if I asked you how you were: 

Here:

(How is Michael? How are you? I love you I love you I love you I never ever stopped I’m still here I love you I love you)

“We are fantastic Ranboo. Michael is so tall, he has never stopped growing and he never will. Everything grows here but he will be the only thing to keep growing, he’ll never stop, one day he’ll grow big enough to crush us all to death.”

And here is how I would respond:

“That’s not allowed that’s not allowed I love him so much but that’s not allowed. Please don’t die because that’s my job and you’re meant to be so so so alive and I love Michael and I love you and you can’t be here. You can’t be like me or see me because I’m not right anymore, I’m always always always turning to dust and I don’t want you to see that because you’re so”

I’m sorry. I needed to stop writing that. I added quotation marks for the sake of clarity but that doesn’t matter either because you’ll never see this and I’ll never see you and besides my handwriting is so bad that no one could ever read this, I think. You’ll have to be the judge of that one. It’s so dark in here.

I really really really really really

I’m back. I fell asleep.

“Oh, but how do you know you fell asleep? You’re not meant to know things like that in here, you’re meant to drift and, float and never know things ever just sit here and wait wait quietly stop yelling please you’re being weird you’re such a”

Quotation marks again. I made them just for you Tubbo so I hope you. I stopped that sentence because I didn’t know where it was going I love you.

I was talking about sleep. I know I fell asleep because I dream so much and usually I dream about dying so when I wake up it’s like I died for the first time and it’s so funny, it really is, sometimes I scream and if I block my ears it sounds like a TV laugh track. I think you would laugh but maybe you would scream too. Maybe we’re just the same.

I used to use semicolons all the time and now I don’t know how. Look at these ones: ;;;;;;;;; What do they do? I don’t remember but I keep dreaming about them. If you look at them on the side and add a little bracket they look like winky faces see ;) I know you know that but I had to say it because I’ll never remember otherwise. I never ever stop thinking about you I promise you’re in my head all the 

I KNOW WHY I WAS TALKING ABOUT DREAMS! You cry in most of them and that’s how I know they’re not real but in one you killed a girl and she looked so sad, she looked so sad and you didn’t look like anything at all. Then you annexed a retirement village. But I think those were separate occasions.

I love you and love you and love you and love you and

My name doesn’t mean anything anymore so I won’t put it here

I love you bye

[kuroopaisen]

inarticulate. (iwaizumi hajime)

➵ iwaizumi’s never been good at talking about his feelings. so instead, he keeps them to himself. 

wc: 2.4k

warnings: cursing

“He’s kind of cute.”

There they were. The words Iwaizumi had been dreading for so long.

It was only the second week of university, and it had finally happened. You’d met Oikawa.

He knew you were bound to meet eventually. And he wasn’t actively trying to stop it. He’d just hoped that he could stay in this limbo, for a little while. But, you’d wanted to come along to practice to support him.

And of course, the person who caught your eye just had to be Oikawa.

“He’s a piece of shit,” he mumbled, looking down.

You turned to him with one eyebrow raised. “I thought you two were close.”

“He’s still a piece of shit.”

You laughed, reaching up to sling your arm across his shoulders. “Do you speak about me like this when I’m not around?”

Of course not, he thought to himself. Frankly, he barely spoke about you at all. Not because he didn’t want to – but because he was afraid to. Afraid that, if he made your existence known, Oikawa would want to meet you. Afraid that, if you met, your attention would all go towards his best friend. Like it usually did.

And then that small flicker of hope that maybe, just maybe, you felt the same way about him would finally die out.

Today was that day, apparently.

“I thought you two were close,” you laughed, tilting your head at him.

Iwaizumi clenched his jaw at that.

“Or is this a ‘I’ll never tell him how I really feel because I’ll simply die for embarrassment’ kind of thing?” You grinned, putting on your best Iwaizumi impression.

“I don’t sound like that,” he grunted, rolling his eyes. But annoyingly enough, you’d managed to capture his voice pretty well.

“Whatever,” you sighed, stretching your arms above your head. “Enjoy the rest of practice.”

------

“So, are they single?”

Iwaizumi’s shoulders tensed up. Oikawa’s face was covered with a towel. Iwaizumi took the moment to compose himself.

“Iwa?”

“As far as I know,” Iwaizumi grunted, throwing his own towel over his shoulder.

“I thought you would’ve been more up-to-date on your best friend’s personal life, Iwa,” Oikawa hummed, tilting his head at him.

“They’re single,” Iwaizumi conceded, turning around in an attempt to hide his face. No way he was going to let Oikawa catch whiff of what was going inside his head.

“Think they’re into me?” Oikawa chuckled. Iwaizumi’s jaw clenched. “I caught them staring at me during practice. I have to say, they’re pretty cute.”

“Whatever, Shittykawa,” Iwaizumi mumbled, wishing that he could be literally anywhere else at that moment.

“No need to be so gloomy,” Oikawa sighed, picking up his own bag. “What’s your problem?”

“You better treat them with respect, okay?” He wasn’t quite sure why he’d said that. It sounded like an admission. But God, he didn’t want the two of you getting involved.

Not that he could stop it.

“Iwa, I wouldn’t dream of—”

“I’m serious.” He turned to look Oikawa directly in the eyes at that. God, if Oikawa hurt you… well, Iwaizumi knew he’d feel partly responsible for it. He was the reason you’d met, after all. And, he wasn’t sure if he could handle that conflict of interests.

Something close to a smile touched Oikawa’s lips. “I know you are.”

------

Nothing happened.

Two years of university, and nothing happened.

Oikawa flirted with you all the time, sure. You even flirted back, should the mood take you. But nothing of any real consequence had happened; no dates, no relationship, no hook-ups.

And it was driving Iwaizumi insane.

The only real positive was that you’d stopped talking about Oikawa so much. And, when you did, there was a distinctly platonic edge to it. No mention of how handsome he was, no mention of how nervous you’d get around him. Just little anecdotes of what you got up to that you’d share with Iwaizumi because you thought they were funny.

And they were. But hearing about the two of you spending time together alone just made him feel a whole host of complicated feelings.

And he hated himself for it.

Why couldn’t he just be happy for the two of you? Maybe that’s why he was so frustrated. The whole ‘will-they-won’t-they’ dance just prolonged his suffering. Because for as long as you and Oikawa weren’t dating, he could still harbour that little flicker of hope.

And he had. Despite his best efforts to let bygones be bygones, it had persisted.

He’d tried dating, of course. That was what you did once you made it to university. But he was never able to just… let himself go. Instead, he did what he’d always done: he focused on volleyball.

Truth be told, he hadn’t intended to keep playing with Oikawa after high school – not after that promise to beat him. But, by some stroke of serendipity – although Iwaizumi would’ve preferred the term ‘bad luck’ – they’d ended up at the same university.

It felt like nothing had changed.

But you were there, now.

And to both equal parts his delight and chagrin, you’d become something of a trio. The rational part of him felt relieved that his best friends got along so well. And he’d likely feel that way with some consistency, if you didn’t get along too well. It was bad enough that you and Oikawa seemed to have a thing for one another. But it might’ve been bearable, if it wasn’t forced in his face near every day.

He’d never seen you laugh as much as you did when Oikawa was around, either. He always seemed to think of something that made you light up. And every time he did, Iwaizumi wishes it had been him. That he was the person who could make you smile that that.

And, you always seemed to be together before Iwaizumi joined you, casting him furtive glances whenever he arrived. You always seemed to whisper things to one another; things he wasn’t supposed to hear. He wouldn’t let himself wonder what those might be.

But you were his best friends. Distancing himself from the two of you just wasn’t an option. And despite it all, he couldn’t imagine being apart from the two of you. You were both part of him, now. You both brought him more comfort than he could say.

Oikawa kept asking about you. Little questions, little goads followed up by that aggravating little smile of his. Sometimes it felt like he was testing him. His only response was the tried-and-tested method of being a bit too terse. Sometimes Oikawa would press a little further, sometimes he conceded early.

Fuck, he really should’ve just told Oikawa about it back in high school. The teasing would’ve been worth it.

He usually never had an issue speaking his mind. Especially with Oikawa. But with you… it was different. There was a quiet fear, quiet yet pervasive; a fear of crushing something so delicate, so precious. A fear of rejection. A fear of confronting something he’d ran from for so long.

It was too late, anyway. Two years had passed.

And he wouldn’t think about it now. Not when you’re on the couch next to him, your annual Godzilla marathon well underway.

Your phone dinged. You cursed to yourself quietly, going to check it. Iwaizumi’s eyes flick down absent-mindedly, but you’d quickly turned the phone away from him. He frowned. Was that intentional?

His eyes flicked to your face. A slightly furrowed brow, your bottom lip caught between your teeth.

“Everything okay?” He asked.

You turned to him suddenly, eyes slightly round. “Oh, yeah,” you paused. “Just Oikawa being an idiot.”

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes. Or course.

“I told him I was busy today,” you mumbled, locking your phone.

“He just can’t stop bothering you, huh?” Iwaizumi sighed, trying to shift the annoyance in his stomach.

“You’ve got that right,” you sighed, leaning over and resting your head on his shoulder.

Iwaizumi froze. God, he’d never get used to this, would he? You’d been more casually affectionate with him since university had started. Little, thoughtless touches that he couldn’t get out of his head. It shouldn’t have been all that strange, close as you were.

But whenever he felt you pressed against him like that, it’s like he’s fourteen again. He doesn’t know what to do, and the last thing he wants to make you feel is uncomfortable. Uncomfortable with how distant he is. Uncomfortable about the fact he’s quietly in love with you.

Your phone pinged again. Oikawa?

“Oh,” you mumbled, reaching for your phone but not getting off him. “I should put that on silent.”

“I thought he would’ve asked you out by now,” Iwaizumi grumbled. He hadn’t thought about the words that deeply before saying them. It was just a thought that had been stewing in the back of his mind for far too long. But even during the moments when it was supposed to be the two of you, he was still there.

You scoffed. “Gross.”

Iwaizumi bit the inside of his cheek. This performance, huh? The playful disgust, the endless teasing that made him feel like his lifespan was getting shorter and shorter. It was the dance of teenagers, not people who’d been through two years of university.

If you like someone, just tell them. He’d said those words to Oikawa, once, all gruff and confident and exhausted. What a hypocrite, he thought, his brow furrowing.

“You alright, Iwa?”

You were looking at him. He couldn’t deal with that right now. Not when you looked so bright, so happy. God, he felt like an asshole.

“I’m fine,” he mumbled, turning away from you.

“Please don’t keep things from me.” Your voice was so soft, so fractured.

He bit the inside of his cheek, clenching his fists.

He had always told you everything. Every fear at three in the morning, when sleep was just out of reach and the only thing he could think to do was call you. Every quiet hope, every small dream he’d nurtured in the dark, so delicate that he’d never shared them with anyone but you. Every true feeling that he hid behind the barbs; how much he loved Oikawa, how scared he was of the future, how he so desperately wished he knew how to be gentle, to be soft.

The only thing he’d never told you was how he felt about you.

Was that unfair of him?

“What’s really going on with you and Oikawa?” It’s a question he should’ve asked years ago. And maybe it wasn’t the most opportune moment to ask. But the words had already left his mouth.

“What do you mean?” You were frowning at him, head titled slightly. Were you playing dumb?

“You know,” he shrugged. “Do you… have feelings for him?” God, had he really just said do you have feelings for him? That was how he decided to phrase it?

You laughed. Any other day, any other time, he would’ve enjoyed the sound.

“I love him,” you said. The words were a jolt to his stomach, anticipated but not prepared for.

“But not like that.”

And everything froze. Those words were so small, so innocuous. You likely hadn’t thought about them that much.

But they changed everything.

You wrapped your arms around his, and Iwaizumi wondered if this might be too much for him.

He could feel the tips of your fingers digging into his bicep, your entire body taut against him. Were you… okay? Iwaizumi frowned, opening his mouth to ask.

Your phone pinged again.

“It’s always been you, Hajime,” you murmured, your head against his shoulder.

He stopped breathing. Did you… did you really just say that? Your voice was so quiet, so soft that he wasn’t quite sure if you’d meant to say it. But the grip on his arm told him otherwise.

“Why didn’t you say something sooner?” He asked, the words rushing out before he’d really thought about them. Fuck, he thought, now I sound like a real asshole.

“I thought you didn’t like me,” you mumbled, lowering your face. “I didn’t want to drive you away.”

The world was frozen in a crystalline moment he’s afraid of shattering. What he does next would change everything. The way things were had been blown away, like dust on an old book.

What were you thinking?

In that moment, far too much. You hadn’t wanted to tell him – at least, not like this. You’d tried to ignore Oikawa’s suggestion, but he’d been persistent. He’d told you that the two of you couldn’t keep going like this; that you’d drive each other insane if you weren’t careful.

And he was right. You weren’t sure how long you could hold out in this limbo; wanting to be closer to him, but always feeling like there was a glass wall between the two of you.

Maybe a couple of words in an inopportune moment was enough to change that.

But Iwaizumi wasn’t good with words. Not when it came to his feelings.

Calloused fingers grazed your cheek. You looked up at him, startled.

And he kissed you.

It’s a moment so delicate, so fragile you feel like the smallest movement will make it break. And yet, there’s such a grounded confidence to it – no, to him -- that it makes you shiver.

You’d never expected kissing him would be like… this. It’s rough around the edges, somehow too tentative and too hasty. His hand was so soft against your cheek that it almost felt like a ghost. But you were all too aware of it. Aware that you wanted more.

And you feel like a right fool. You should’ve done something sooner; you’d known him so long, wanted this for so long. How much time had you lost?

He drew away, and you remembered that this was just a kiss. Nothing more than that.

And it scares you. You felt all of that for a mere kiss?

But that had always been it, hadn’t it? That’s what it was like with Iwaizumi.

It was just that he’d finally been able to speak fluently, in a language he felt comfortable with.

And with what he’d just told you, the last thing you should be is scared.

He smiled at you. And it’s the most beautiful thing you could think of. Iwaizumi, his eyes so tender, his face free from its usual tension. And you realise, in that moment, this is him without any kind of mask. This is the Iwaizumi you’d been reaching for all these years. And that, more than anything, might be the most wonderful thing.

“Thank fuck,” he mumbled.

[sunel0]

I did miss it! Good morning :) Will you please write steo where the one is a ghost that came back to save fulfill a promise he made when he was alive, because it is the only thing tethering him to world, and he held on to it for years in order to stay around even without the other knowing that he is around, but now he's ready to go and the other can finally see him for a final goodbye. Make it hurt. Haha.

Omg Shara!!! Jesus, this is good... I actually have 1k words for a kind of similar thing, but it's Tara and her final goodbye is to forgive Theo when he comes to the bridge with Stiles and their daughter<3

And oh no look, the Comfort Theo Fest is officially over now, here have some dead Theo<3

Although I'm not sure how much it'll hurt in this tiny format

Also, I thought about making it something dark and not just sad because I had some ideas, but sad still won, and it's a whole fic sorry<3

When Theo was eight, and Stiles' mother first got diagnosed, and Stiles was upset, Theo promised that he was going to make sure Stiles was happy. Back then he didn't realise what that ment.

He promised the same thing again when stubbornly, again and again trying to ask Stiles out when he was eighteen.

And he did the same thing for the third time when they were twenty four and Stiles had to go for an inpatient care program.

The worst thing was that he really wanted to fulfill this promise, he thought, when something that looked suspiciously like a yeti ripped him into two halves.

Even werewolves don't usually come back from something like that.

And apparently, third time was a charm, because this was the promise that got Theo trapped in this limbo, watching Stiles cry over his grave for three hours until his father came to pick him up and not being able to do anything.

It was worse than Hell.

Theo could tell, he had been there. He was fully prepared to deal with Tara when he died, but he wasn't prepared to deal with this. With being conscious and tied to reality but not material in any way.

Only allowed to watch. Theo hated watching. He liked action.

There was no action for him ever again.

He had to watch Stiles go back to the inpatient care because Theo's death screwed all of his progress. He had to listen to him talk about Theo, about how he was mad at him for getting into danger, how it wasn't surprising, really, how much it hurt to lose him, how much he missed him.

Every word stung more than being ripped in half.

Theo could tell.

He watched Stiles go back home, to live with his father again, selling their little flat downtown, going through all their stuff and still crying several times while choosing what was to be kept, sold, donated, or thrown away.

Theo had a lot of time to think over what exactly in his promise got him trapped here while watching Stiles sleep for fourteen hours a day.

It was probably that he said that Stiles was going to be happy, and he was going to see to it.

Now he was seeing to it.

He wondered if this was some kind of curse.

For once, he was happy that Stiles had a good support system, because he wasn't left alone long enough to do something stupid, and Theo could see he was thinking about it.

It went on like that, Theo watching and hurting and not being able to do anything, while Stiles was grappling with his death.

Eventually, he did it.

The day he applied for college again was the first day Theo saw the light.

He watched Stiles move into the dorm with kids way younger than he was and eventually figure out that renting was better for him. Theo watched people flirt with Stiles, and Stiles slowly starting to flirt back. Theo witnessed a dozen of awkward dates and was admittedly somewhat annoyed that none of them looked anything like him.

He watched one relationship actually catch. He saw them grow closer, go on more dates, talk. He heard Stiles talk about him again.

Sylvia turned out to be a witch, which was lucky, he guessed, since this way Stiles didn't need to hide his pack duties.

Theo felt jealousy like nothing before, even worse than back when Stiles didn't want to know anything about him, because Sylvia got to touch Stiles, hold him after his nightmares, give him little kisses before work, actually get married.

And Theo was stuck here, not being able to do anything, just watching. He knew he should be happy that Stiles was getting better, but he could never be the bigger person, and now he didn't even get the chance to learn how to be it.

He watched Sylvia get pregnant, and Stiles freaking out in the bathroom after she fell asleep. He saw them buy baby stuff, and paint the nursery, and arrange a baby shower, and he longed for all of it being him and not Sylvia.

Well, apart from giving birth part of it. He heard it was painful.

He watched Stiles slide slowly back into panic attacks, ones he hadn't had in a couple of years, the closer the due date was, watched him go on endless lonely walls just to get out, just to breath.

But then baby Anna was born, and Theo thanked all possible deities he didn't believe in for the fact that Stiles' grandmother actually had such a simple common name and not what Stiles had.

And then one night, when baby Anna woke up, crying to be fed, and Stiles sat with her, half asleep, rocking slowly in a rocking chair, Theo felt it.

It was like a tug, and he knew his te has come. His promise was fulfilled. Stiles was actually happy, and Theo saw to it.

And Theo felt... At peace. Happy that Stiles found his own happiness. Theo wondered if this was just dead magic speaking to calm him down before he had to actually go.

And then something weird happened.

Stiles jumped slightly, jostling Anna awake and making her cry again, his eyes opening wild, looking straight at Theo.

"Hey," he said.

It was weird to talk again. He wasn't sure he knew how anymore.

"What..." Stiles' voice broke, and Theo could see tears filling up his eyes. He could also see how much older Stiles was than Theo was ever going to be now.

Anna went quite suddenly, as if feeling something big happening.

"I promised to make sure that you are happy," Theo smiled, because now he himself felt happy. "And I did it now."

He came closer, looking at Anna in Stiles' arms, her dark eyes looking back at Theo. She was adorable. Theo made a face at her, but she was too small to smile.

He looked back into the same dark eyes he loved so much.

He leaned over, pressing a kiss to Stiles' forehead, his hand cupping his cheek, using the fact that Stiles' hands were full with his daughter and her bottle.

"Bye."

And then Theo vanished.

[another-cancer]

Chapter Seven: Ladybug is Dead, Or That is the Lie I Keep Telling

Age Nine. Damian Al-Ghul.

They came a week after Ladybug had and demanded to know where she was. And when he refused to tell them they attacked. They died the same day. And The Order sent more and more. Until he was tired of it all. He was done fighting the same incompetent assassins, none of them even close to his skill level.

So when the last one came he said, “She’s dead, just like the rest of the fools sent here. I killed her.”

He felt proud when they fled to tell their leader Ladybug had been killed. To Damian, it didn’t matter if it was a lie or not. It felt good. And it meant he was finally left alone. He liked being alone.

Damian wore the title of Ladybug’s killer with pride, while the guilty slowly manifested. When others caught wind of the news of Ladybugs death they became afraid of the league. People stopped attacking as often as they had in the past. Everything seemed secure and safe. And for a while, it was all good.

Until it wasn’t. Two months later he was tasked to kill one Fei Wu. A girl who had already lost so much before losing her own life.

According to the information Damian received before his mission the girl was an orphan twice over. The first time, her birth parents were killed. The second time, her adopted father was killed. He was the one who trained her. She was alone. And he would kill her.

It was one of the few vivid memories he still has between the time of Ladybug’s death and living with his father. It was a memory he wished he could forget with the rest. But instead, he was stuck remembering the day like it was a scene from a movie.

Fei was ten when she died at his hand. It was in the middle of winter. Her birthday had passed the week before. She was alone when he arrived. She was scared. He could feel it as soon as he met her. Scratch that, she had been terrified, and rightfully so. The girl was gifted. She was smart and skilled, she could hold her ground against most. But Damian was not most. He was the killer of Ladybug. At least that is what he told himself. He was strong. He was perfect.

He spent less than twelve hours in China.

By hour three he had already found Fei.

By hour five he was ready to kill her.

By hour seven she was dead.

By hour nine he was ready to leave.

By hour twelve he was on a private plane.

But what really happened on that day?

///

Hour Three.

He had eyes on Fei, she had taken shelter at an abandoned school. Her guard was up, but it seemed to be for living off the streets. She didn’t know he was there yet.

Hour Four.

A CHILD. It didn’t hit him at first, but by hour four he realized he was killing a child. A child only a couple of months older than him.

They tasked me to kill a child. She’s an innocent whose family is dead. Their debt was paid when they died. Why take a child’s life?

What if it was me?

Would they do the same? No. Mother and Grandfather would never. They cared. LIE. She must have done something. He blamed the victim, something he’d eventually outgrow, years later. I have never killed a child, but if I was sent here there must be a reason.

Can I kill a child?

Hour Five.

I will kill her. I killed Ladybug. LIE. I can kill her. It will be okay. LIE.

He was a liar. But he talked himself into being a killer.

Did Ladybug do this? Is this why she failed to kill me? Is this the same weakness she had within?

Hour Six.

He was standing right in front of her. She knew he was her killer. She lunged forward to attack him. It was a mistake. If she had stayed on defense she might have had a chance. But her constant strikes while Damian dodged left her exhausted as the fight continued. In another life, she would have had a chance. She had fight in her. And even when she knew her world was ending she fought until the end. She was strong.

Hour Seven.

And she was dead.

Damian felt lost. Before Ladybug nothing like this had ever happened. But now it felt as if he was stuck in limbo. Everything was a constant reminder of Ladybug. Even in her death, she haunted him. With Fei dead, he sat there replaying his life. Searching for any answer that wasn’t Ladybug. But everything kept leading back to her.

And he realized, I am a failure. Weak.

Because as much as he said Ladybug was dead. There was still someone else alive. Someone else was born the day Ladybug died. And whoever that person was, they were his weakness.

Age Ten. Damian Wayne.

He was living with his father. He was given a fresh start. He wondered if this is why she gave up Ladybug. He hated that almost a year later he was still wondering.

Under his father’s guidance, he wasn’t allowed to kill. And he was grateful for that. He was happy someone was teaching him to control the bloodlust. He was taught remorse and empathy.

But Ladybug still haunted him. And for that, he wanted her dead.

Age Fourteen. Damian Wayne.

“She’s not a good person. When I was nine she tried to kill me. I am unsure of why she is in the city. While I do not believe she is here to do harm based on what I’ve heard from Tim about her actions thus far. I believe we should be careful around her. Make sure not to set her off.”

He lied to his family to hide his weakness. And he put her in danger.

Lots of danger.

First Previous Next

[saintflint]

okay the thing though, the one thing that absolutely murders me about richie and eddie remembering everything they lost, everything they were, after a twenty-seven year long ache neither of them could ever define is that richie’s memories flying through his shattering brain at the speed of light— the second after he hangs up on mike and he already feels the bile already churning at the back of his throat —all his memories and flashing images would be [summer nights filled with fireflies and mosquito bites][endless afternoons splashing in the quarry, his glasses tossed carelessly away][hours playing street fighter in a noisy, crowded arcade with a chocolate haired, slightly smaller boy, all freckles and bright red shorts and laughing and laughing, happy and beautiful][a fussing, too-fast voice always itching and fighting for the last word in][his own scrapped knees and cuts hastily covered with dozens of unnecessary bandages by shaking, soft hands][a crinkled nose and honey-warm brown eyes slightly squinting before letting out a loud, almost crazed laugh at one of his dumb jokes][lazy days crammed in a too small hammock with comics passed back and forth too close, too sweaty but somehow never close enough][that soft, soft hand clasped around his wrist as searing as a burn][and that ache— that same goddamn ache he’s felt every waking hour of his fucked adult existence —soothed and glowing brighter and more golden then the sun when he stares down into that ridiculously freckled face that finally has a name] but for eddie— for poor, desperately lonely eddie —it hits him even worse because in his limbo-existence and decaying marriage he’s convinced himself for over a decade that he’s fine he’s fine he’s fine but then mike calls and he ends up in a collision that isn’t half as bad as the spiraling in his brain at that moment, all the memories hitting him like a semi-truck and he’s sitting there, his car completely totaled but all he can see, the very first image that bursts and overwhelms his mind is [blinding terror ready to choke him alive and in the midst of it are hands on his face and wide dark eyes hidden behind too big glasses and a voice just begging him to keep looking keep looking keep looking][the feeling of complete safety even while drowning in his fears][a fierce savage voice screaming WELCOME TO THE LOSERS CLUB, ASSHOLE and feeling so proud, so goddamn proud to be standing there even surrounded by all that darkness][two incredibly familiar initials at the top of the street fighter leaderboard][snorting laugher paired with wild curls that annoyingly could never stay straight and always looked stupidly, perfectly windswept][a steady if spindly hand gripping his shoulder during his worst panic attacks][gangly limbs climbing up the tree outside his house and crashing gracelessly through the window into his bedroom][cigarette smoke— not his own —circling his head in slow tendrils up into a late august sky][a crooked smile that is always teasing, often smirking, and always so full of something eddie could never quite read and always wanted to spend hours decoding] and eddie wants to weep and weep and weep because he remembers that fucking look behind that stupid, irresistible grin and he finally remembers a name and he knows, he finally fucking knows what that look always meant even when they were both fourteen and didn’t know anything but the sad town they were born into and they’re just both hit so fast by all of it like can you even imagine how they felt in those first moments of remembering everything, can you—

[neirawrites]

AUGUST EVENT: Your Antagonist’s Backstory

Name: Zana Rahimi

WiP: Phantom Limb (intro)

Week 1 (x)

Week 2 (- August 9th): Becoming

Uncle Bata was dying.

She sensed it in each and every one of his coughs that grew more frequent with every new day. She saw it in his pale complexion of a man who lived on borrowed time. His body was frail and she knew it was just the matter of time before he would leave it forever.

Zana knew Death better than the most. She was her child and she followed her closely. Mother told her the story of her existence, of her father, the man she brought back from the afterlife, for just one night, and of the future that awaited Zana because of it. Death was Zana’s companion. For the past six years, the two of them existed side by side.

In those years, their village never recovered from what had been done to it. How could it? The Romans came in, to squish a rebellion their little community had nothing to do with, and they pillaged and raped and killed.  

On that day, Death came to Zana twice. First, when a soldier with nothing but hatred in his eyes cut the throat of her mother and she had to watch her body bleed out and twitch in pain and shock as her soul left it. The second time, only a few minutes later, Zana was the one to call on Death herself. She felt no fear, not even sadness at the sight of the woman she loved so much on the floor of their hut, the dirt floor around her dark brown from her blood. Without much thought, Zana took a clay jug and smashed it against the soldier’s head. His body crumpled to the ground in an instant and he never awoke again.

At least, not in the world of the living. Zana took a life which meant hers would never be the same again. As a child of Death, she was drawn to it, but she also drew it to herself.

The soldier never moved on to the afterlife that awaited him. He and Zana were linked together, forever. That is what her mother told her would happened. His name was Sergius and every single bad thing that he had ever done haunted him in this new existence only he and Zana were a part of. A miserable man, paying for his miserable deeds, stuck in the space between two worlds where only she could see him, but, despite everything, he was not gone.

Then why did uncle Bata have to be?

Since her mother died, he became her guardian. His own daughters left the nest and were already married, so it was just the two of them. They tended to their sheep and their crops together and he told her stories of her mother and father and of the magic that was all around them. In these last years, despite everything, they were happy together.

Maybe she should have been getting married too, but the suitors were few and far in between. Something about her made them avoid her, even if she seemed like a good match. She still looked like a weak and skinny fourteen year old child she was on the day she first met death. Mother told her that might happen. She knew she wasn’t immortal or unchanging, but that the other world slowed her existence down to a crawl. Still, it did not matter. She took care of her uncle and other sick people of their little village, just like her mother did before, and that was all that mattered.

But Bata’s illness was something she could not heal. Her intimacy with death told it wasn’t bad blood, or demons of any kind. Tiny beings, too small for them to see, have made Bata’s lungs their home. Maybe there would come a time where something other than magic could save him, but now she knew what she needed to do.

Everything she knew about healing and magic, she learned from her mother. She knew exactly which plants or incantations to treat each injury. She even knew the incantations to heal Bata’s illness, but she did not have the power to do it correctly. Magic was far too dispersed all over the land for her to be able to pull of such a feat, especially now that it had progressed so far along. But, maybe she didn’t need to lose Bata forever. She saved a man she did not want before, maybe she could do the same for someone she loved.

At the break of dawn, the rooster woke her up with his early morning song. She left their hut in quiet, but she knew Bata wouldn’t have woken up anyway. Last night was a particularly rough one. He would be asleep until the noon. The village was still asleep as she made her way into the forest on the hill above it, her tunic wet from the morning dew that clang onto the tall grass.

This early in the morning, Vile usually still danced around the creek in the forest, but she must have scared them off. Some have told her she was beautiful enough to be one of them, but she knew they feared her. Like it or not, she attracted magic to herself and they did not like to share. Still, solitude was preferable to their slide remarks and judgmental looks.

It didn’t take her long to find what she was looking for. She had seen the bush few weeks ago, but back then, she was too weak to do what she had to.

Beautiful purple flowers gave way to dark berries, the morning dew on them glistening in the faint sun. Only a few of these would be enough to do what she needed them to. No one would know. Bata was already a dead man, but this way, he didn’t need to leave her. One day, she would make sure those who love her stay by her side forever. One day, she will be the one to triumph over Death.

Maybe. The instructions her mother left behind rang clear in her mind. 1597. That is how many people had to die if she ever wanted to make that come true. But, Zana couldn’t even wrap her head around a number that high. Maybe, in the future. For now, she had to act quickly.

Tonight, Bata will eat the berries she picked for him, along with the few raspberries and wild strawberries, and soon enough, his suffering would end. His body would be dead, but his existence would continue, and he wouldn’t have leave her. She would not allow death to steal another person from her. One day, she would defeat it. But, today, she will be satisfied with just saving one person from its cold embrace.

 *****

I could have gone with the scene where Zana kills Sergej, as that is what starts the actual limbo the dead are stuck in,  but this seemed like a better choice, because that was the first time she did it on purpose, the first time it wasn’t instinct, but the feat of death and loss that lead her. 

If there are any historical inaccuracies in this story about iliirians, my archaeologist friend in digging stuff up and i can’t ask her for help, so  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Hope you liked it <3

[s1x-s1x-s1x]

About Me

(Since I’m too lazy to actually make a Carrd.co for this, I decided to be different and just make this a text post)

Name(s): Limbo (Main), Pixel, Bear, Minty, Firefly, Fourteen (literally anything you want just make sure to inform me before you just call me anything please)

Age: I don’t feel comfortable spreading my age anywhere, so I’m just gonna say that I’m in the 13-17 range. Yeah, I’m a minor, and I’m a high-school freshman. So don’t expect me to show my face, tell people my age or my name or where I live, etc. I probably wouldn’t even do it anyways if I were older. 

Gender: Unknown (I used to be nonbinary, but I’m questioning some things right now) Pronouns: (They/Them) Please expect for me to change it. I’ll always notify everyone if I change my pronouns.

Sexual Orientation: Questioning

Romantic Orientation: Questioning

Relationship Status: No-One, Although I do have a crush on two girls at my school, and a guy I’m currently speaking to right now who I went to school with last year

Location: Pluto 

Fandoms:

FNaF

Undertale

Hamilton

Little Nightmares

Sonic the Hedgehog

MLP

LPS

Steven Universe

My Hero Academia

Stranger Things (No spoilers pls)

Minecraft (the game in general. I don’t know that much about Dream and the others. The only minecraft player I really watch is BoffyYT)

Some Notes:

I write stories sometimes. I’m actually working on a project rn

I don’t enjoy talking a lot, and I’m really awkward so please notify me first before you talk to me so I know

I promise I’m nicer than this I just don’t know how to talk

I’m African American

Please don’t flirt with me. I’m pretty uncomfortable in general if that happens. So yeah. 

My birthday is on March 8

I’m not sure what mental illnesses I have, but i’m speaking with my therapist currently

I like to theorize sometimes, but I hate confrontation. Please don’t try and debate with me, it’s most likely I’ll run away

I have a plant named Georgie 

I understand sarcasm sometimes, but most of the times I don’t. So please don’t yell if I don’t understand you the first time

I have trouble with responding sometimes, and may take a few days to respond so please be patient with me

I sometimes post stim boards or fidget toys or something similar to that

If you want me to tag something, please ask me and it’ll immediately have a trigger warning on it. 

Random Fact: I ADORE morally grey characters. I love characters who think for themselves and are not all goody-goody sometimes, and follow their own definitive morals and what they believe is right. So if you wanna talk about those kinds of characters, I’d be happy to!

Do Not Interact:

Trump Supporters

Sexists

Homophobes, Transphobes, basically LGBT+Phobic

Exclusionists (Such as believing asexuals, bisexuals, aromantics, pansexuals, etc. don’t belong in the LGBT+ community)

Albeist

Are a Pedophile

Support or Justify Rape or Pedophillia

Support Shane Dawson

Racist (should be clarified with the fact I’m African American and the Trump Supporters in the DNI)

Someone who hides behind an Anon filter to spread hate

Addition: PORN BLOGS/18+ DO NOT INTERACT WITH ME. DO NOT FOLLOW ME. I DONT TO WANT TO BE MEAN AND BLOCK PEOPLE BUT I WILL IF NECESSARY. IF YOU ARE ALREADY FOLLOWING ME AND POSTING PICTURES OF THINGS YOU CONSIDER 18+ DO. NOT. FOLLOW. ME.

Additional Fun Facts!:

I really like space, books, robots, fantasy, mythology, dark fantasy, academia (sometimes), sweaters, being alone, etc.

My favorite animals are BEARS, FROGS, Tigers, Seals, Pandas, Foxes, Cows, Ducks, Chickens, etc.

My favorite holiday is between Halloween and Christmas

Favorite Cartoons; My Little Pony, Littlest Pet Shop, Steven Universe, Aggretsuko, Paw Patrol, etc.

Favorite Animes; (Haven’t watched much yet, but I’m trying to) MHA, Ms Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid

I’m a reserved, very quiet, goofy, and flinchy person.

I’m a generally nice person I guess, but please don’t expect me to start the conversation. I’ll try to but it’ll be really awkward.

I love the rain, even overcasted skies and windy trees are enough

I’m — Sorry to everyone — terrified of mice. I hate them. Please don’t show me a picture of them without tags

If you ever need me to tag something, Please Let Me Know. Unless it’s something that’s predominantly that I post, please let me know if soemthing that isn’t tagged makes you uncomfortable

Comfort Characters;

Twilight Sparkle and Princess Luna from MLP

Pepper Clark and Sugar Sprinkles from Littlest Pet Shop

Peridot, Amethyst, Garnet and Jasper from Steven Universe

Chase, Leo, and Douglas Davenport from Lab Rats

Chica, SpringTrap, Funtime Foxy, Mangle, Lefty, and Funtime Freddy from Fnaf

Undyne, Asgore, Asriel and Papyrus from Undertale

Denki, Yaoyaorouzu, Shinsou, Eri-Chan, Aizawa, and Todoroki From MHA

John Lauren’s, Peggy Schuyler, Thomas Jefferson and Lafayette from Hamiton

Kanna and Touru from Ms Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid

Skye, Mayor Goodway and Chickletta, and Everest from Paw Patrol

Mono and Six from Little Nightmares and LN 2

Silver, Knuckles, Tails, and Rouge from Sonic the Hedgehog

I think that’s about it

[shadowfire1393]

Waiting Forever is Nothing

“Jocelyn, dear, here let me help you with your veil.” her mother, Janet said when she saw her struggling to put the veil on. Today was Jocelyn’s wedding day and she was marrying the man of her dreams, Harry Styles. Her best friend was standing next to her helping Jocelyn’s mother pin her veil into her hair. When they were done, she turned to look at herself in the mirror in awe.

“You look so beautiful, Joce!” Anna exclaimed. Jocelyn smiled at her with tears in her eyes, and Anna helped her wipe them away without messing up her make up.

“I will go tell everyone you are ready,” Janet said before leaving the room.

“And I will go get the boys ready. We all know they probably aren’t done and are in a little need of a woman’s helping hand.” Anna laughs and walks out of the room behind Janet through the door. Jocelyn was left in the room by herself and she just stared at her beautiful reflection in the mirror. All the sudden she heard the door open again behind her.

Without turning around, she joked, “I thought you went to go help the boys finish getting ready” thinking that Anna had come back into the room.

“Now why would I help any guy, or his friends get ready for a wedding to the woman I love,” responded a familiar voice. Jocelyn stiffened at once and turned around slowly to see her crazy ex-boyfriend standing just inside the door with a gun in his hand.

“What are you doing here, Derek? And why do you have that gun?” Jocelyn was starting to get very scared.

“Why do you think, JoJo? I am here to make sure no one else can have you. You left me for a good for nothing boy band member, and I was the best thing you ever had. You were my life I will never let you go, and I sure as hell will not let you marry that scum bag. So, if I can’t have you no one can!” his voice got louder in the small bridal suite.

“The best thing I ever had?! You beat me almost every night, you kept me away from my family and friends, and you told me I was fat and ugly every chance you got. How in the hell is that the best thing for me?” Jocelyn exclaimed surprised by his proclamation. “Harry treats me with respect, he reminds me every day that I am beautiful, and he shows me that he loves me every day. Why, when I have all that would I ever go back to you?!” She could feel the tears starting to stream down her face. She couldn’t stand that a jerk like him would have the audacity to say such horrible things about Harry.

“Fine you just chose your own fate, and I hate to see you die but you have to now. I will never let you marry another man and live!” Derek pointed his gun at Jocelyn and pulled the trigger twice. She felt the bullets pierce through lower chest and stomach. Everything fades from Jocelyn’s vision as she blacks out. When she opened her eyes again it was to see Harry sitting next to her holding her upper body in his lap and crying. Off to the side Jocelyn could see Niall and Liam holding Derek to the ground as he was shouting something that she couldn’t quite make out. Zayn and Louis were trying to comfort Harry. Anna, Jocelyn’s mother, and her father were standing in the corner crying. She can’t quite remember why she is on the ground for a moment but then the pain in her stomach and chest remind her. All the sudden she heard Harry saying something in your ear.

“Please baby girl stay with me. I can’t lose you please wake up.” He whispered through his tears.

“Harry, don’t cry baby shh,” Jocelyn could barely get out before she felt more pain as Louis replaced the fabric on her wounds and reapplied pressure.

“Jocelyn! Oh my God you’re awake. Babe, stay awake please just stay awake, you will make it I know it. Please just stay with me!” Harry saw her eyes start to close again.

“Harry…I love you more than anything in the world…even if I am not here I will love you…..forever and always….” Jocelyn coughed out her words and blood started to come out of her mouth as she spoke. Harry started to cry harder because he knew that she was dying and he didn’t want to lose her, he loved her too much. By this point the only person in the room not crying is Louis. Though that was probably because he was trying to stay focused on keeping Jocelyn from bleeding out.

           “Joce! I don’t want to lose you, I love you, so much PLEASE JUST STAY WITH ME PLEASE!” Harry cried harder.

           “Harry sweetie, we both know I am not…. going to make it,” she cried and reached up to stroke his cheek, “When I get to the other side, I will wait for you no…matter how long it takes…... I will wait for you…...till the end of time if I have to.” Tears streamed down her face as she finished her sentence. Jocelyn’s eyes started to grow very heavy. Her breathing started to stutter, and it became harder and harder for her to inhale. She could tell she was about to leave, but she had to hear Harry’s voice and kiss his lips one last time before her life was over.

           “Please stay….” Harry begged again seeing her breathing become labored. “And if you can’t stay with me then please wait for me as long as you can. I love you now, tomorrow, next week, forever and always!” Harry said as calmly as he could, and he leaned in and gave Jocelyn one last kiss. His lips on hers was the last thing she remembered from the day she died.

_________________________________

Next thing Jocelyn knew she was in a completely white room. When she looked around her saw a woman walking toward her. Before she can say anything though, the woman smiled and took a seat next to her, “Hello sweetheart. Do you know where you are and what happened to you?”

           “I... I think that I am dead, but I have no clue where I am,” Jocelyn looked around the room, which looked like a mix between a hospital and an airport terminal.

           “Yes, you are right about being deceased Jocelyn. You are currently in a place which you would have probably called limbo when you were alive. Everyone ends up here after they die, and they stay here until it is their time to move on to the afterlife. You happen to be one of the lucky ones because we haven’t been too busy today, so you are going to be able to go straight to afterlife with no delays.” The woman had huge smile on her face.

           “Wait how is it that you know my name?” Jocelyn was a little freaked out and scooted away from the woman.

           “Oh well, that is an easy question to answer I am a greeter, and my name is Jamie” she stretched out her hand for Jocelyn to shake, “I stay here and greet all the newly deceased people who pass through here. Now come on sweetheart time to get you passed over.” Jamie said like it isn’t a big deal.

           “No, I can’t leave here yet I promised my fiancé, Harry, that I would wait for him. I won’t break my promise to him. I never have before, and I don’t plan on starting now!” Jocelyn was confused and didn’t want to leave.

           “Jocelyn, I would not recommend on going to the afterlife now. I have seen too many girls wait for their boyfriends and fiancés before and when the guy finally died, they either forgot all about the girl or moved on to another person that they loved more.” Jamie explained with a calm reserved smile. “I have been working here for about 500 years and I don’t really want to watch another girl get her heart broken. So, if you would just please follow me. I will help you pass over; it will be easier that way.” She gently tries to urge Jocelyn towards the door that leads to the afterlife.

           “I don’t care what happened to those girls in the past their boys were not Harry. Harry would never ever forget me. He said he would love me forever and always.” Jocelyn was yelling now. She was angry that the woman would actually think that Harry would ever forget her or stop loving her.

           “Jocelyn, I understand how you must feel, but it has happened every…” Jamie began.

           “You don’t know how I feel because you don’t know Harry. He would never do that to me, and I am not leaving till we can go to the afterlife together.” Jocelyn was determined to not move from her spot.

           “Okay then, I see you won’t listen to reason. I just hope that I won’t have to see your heart get broken like I have so many others.” Jamie gave up and walked away. The weird thing about this limbo was it was almost impossible to tell how fast or slow time went compared to the living world.

           One day Jocelyn was just sitting down reading a book, which Jamie had provided her with sometime back, when Jamie suddenly came running over to her. “Hey Joce, sweetheart, I don’t mean to bother you but we have a lot of deaths today and I thought that it would be a lot easier to get them all through faster if I had some help so do you mind giving me a hand with them.” She was freaking out. Her hair was jostled all over the place due to her continuously messing with it while stressed.

           Jocelyn looked at her cautiously, “as long as you promise not to send me to the afterlife without my permission, then I will help you.”

           “Honey, you can’t go to the afterlife until you yourself are ready. So, even if I wanted to do it I couldn’t.” Jamie smiled for the first time that day at how adorable Jocelyn’s paranoia was.

           “Okay then I can help you! Where do you need me to start?” she stood from her seat putting her book down. Jocelyn was excited to finally have something to do other than read books.

           “With that group over there if you don’t mind. Here is a clip board with their pictures and names on it. Do you know what to do?” Jamie became incredibly happy to have help.

           “I have been watching you do this for about fourteen years now Jamie, so yeah I think I have the hang of it,” Jocelyn laughed and took the clip board ready to go over to the group before Jamie grabbed her wrist to stop her.

           “Wait, how do you know how long you have been here?” she asked surprised

           “I am starting to get used to it. Especially when I have been asking the people who appear in the seats close to me what year it is when they pop up here!” Jocelyn winked at Jamie before pulling her wrist out of the others grasp and skipping away toward the group of people. From that day onward she would help Jamie with the greetings every day. And she even started to become enjoy to it.

           Years later Jocelyn was greeting an older woman, about the age of 46. “Hello, you must be Abigail Styles! My name is Jocelyn and I will be here to help you through everything. First, I must ask do you know where you are and what happened to you?” she asked the woman the usual questions, not even being phased by her the last name. There were a lot of people in the world with the last name Styles after all.

           “Yes, I died, and I guess I am in the afterlife?” Abby was almost questioning rather than stating.

           “Yes, I am sorry to say you are dead, but you are not in the afterlife quite yet. I am here to show you the way, though.” Jocelyn smiled at her as she reviewed her clipboard with all of Abigail’s information on it to make sure she lived a fulfilling life and was ready to move on.

           “Do I know you? You look so familiar to me” Abby tilted her head left and right as if that would get her a better view and memory of the woman in front of her.

           “I don’t think we have met, but with working here you never really know who you will run into from your past. Especially after being here for as many years as I have.” Jocelyn answered back looking up from her clip board.

           “From the past…From the past…” Abby toyed with the words for a minute then all the sudden her eyes lit up with realization. “your name isn’t Jocelyn Lyann Prince, is it?” she asked as she quickly realized who they girl looked like.

           Jocelyn looked at her in amazement she had seen a lot of people pass through here that she knew including her parents, but it has been so long since someone had said her full name, “Yes as a matter of fact I am, do I know you?” she looked at Abigail trying to remember where they might have met but she couldn’t remember her at all.

           “No, but you knew my husband. The only reason I recognized you was because he used to show me photos of you and him all the time. I would catch him looking through his memory books of you quite often.” Abigail smiled at the memories. As soon as she said that however, Jocelyn knew exactly who Abby’s husband was and her heart broke a little bit. All she could think was ‘Oh My God Jamie was right he moved on, he got over me and married someone new. I waited for him and yet he moved on from his love for me.’ Jocelyn continued to run through these thoughts while she sat down on the chair next to Harry’s deceased wife. She began to cry and all she could do was cry her eyes out. Jocelyn didn’t even know how to respond to Abigail. The latter saw her tears and grabbed her hands.

“Jocelyn, please stop crying dear. You have no reason to cry. He never stopped loving you. I know we were married and all, but I knew the day I met him someone else had his heart and I could never take it from her. I think we got married out of pure convenience and pressure from our parents. We even named our first daughter after you. It was his idea, but I knew how much he still loved you, so I agreed. Her name was Jocelyn Lily Styles, and she was just as beautiful as you.”

           “Did you just say her middle name was Lily?” Jocelyn inquired.

           “Yeah why does that name have any importance to you? I mean Harry chose the whole name. I agreed to it because I knew he needed some way of feeling connected to you still. He never really told me why he chose Lily for her middle name.” Abby seemed intrigued to finally find out the meaning behind their daughter’s middle name.

           “Harry used to call me his Lily Pad because he said I was as beautiful as the flower that bloomed on one, but still had the strength to support him like the leaf does a frog. He just made it up to be corny, but I thought it was so cute and sweet that the name always stuck.” Jocelyn smiled at the memory as tears of happiness fall from her eyes.

           “If I remember the story from day you died that the boys told me, you promised before you died that you would wait for him for as long as you had to. Is that what you are still doing here?” Abigail looked deeply into her eyes.

           “I never broke a promise to Harry while I was alive, and I don’t plan on breaking the last one I ever made to him before I died. I am so glad the boys are still in Harry’s life! How are they and the band what happened to it after I died?” Jocelyn excited asked as she stood and gestured for Abby to follow her.

           “The boys are great Louis, Liam, and Zayn married Eleanor, Danielle, and Perrie. And they have children. Then of course Niall surprised the boys by marrying your best friend, Anna. They also have children.” She looked at Jocelyn just in time to catch the smile on her face. During the reception Jocelyn had been planning to hook Niall up with Anna, but that time unfortunately never came. Abby continued, “The boys kept going at full force after you died, but I think that was mainly because Harry wanted to make sure you would be proud of him. They did take breaks to work on their own things occasionally, but they always came back together. Harry has definitely made sure that he will have a lot of stories to tell you when he finally departs from the land of the living and joins you here. For the last 9 years though, they stopped touring to spend more time with their families. Now that all their kids have graduated high school, they were planning a reunion tour!” She finished as they reached the door to the afterlife.

           “I am glad they all ended up happy! I miss them all so much this waiting is starting to kill me, and it has only been like 26 years.” Jocelyn looked down sadly. She never wished death upon any of them but she really wanted to see them again.

           “Keep holding in there, sweetheart because I promise you Harry will be happy to see you when he gets here!” Abby smiled giving Jocelyn a gentle hug, “I am so happy I got to meet the love of Harry’s life. Now I can see what he loved so much about you. That is why I am able to move on to the afterlife without him because I know you are waiting here for him.” She hugged Jocelyn again before finally walking through the Gate to the afterlife and with that Jocelyn knew she was meant to wait for Harry till the end of time itself if she had to.

           Years continued to pass as Jocelyn saw all her loved ones pass through the limbo area. It started with Liam, who died of kidney failure. He hugged her so tight that if she were living, she wouldn’t have been able to breath and kissed her on the cheek having missed her as much as she missed him. He had always been like a dad type figure to Jocelyn and Harry when he thought they were in danger or acting up. Then about 3 years later came Perrie, and of course not to long after Perrie was Zayn, who died they said of a broken heart, but it was really just of old age. Zayn gave Jocelyn a tighter hug than Liam. Zayn had been her best friend that she told everything to.

Louis followed a few years after Zayn and when he saw Jocelyn, he ran up and lifted her in the air spinning her around, while hugging her tightly. When he finally put down her, she gave her crazy friend a kiss on the cheek. Then they sat there and talked for hours. Louis decided to stay and wait for El. Half a year later Dani came through giving both Jocelyn and Louis a quick kiss on the cheek and then heading to the afterlife where she knew Liam would be waiting for her.  A year to the day of Louis’s death, Eleanor died because she truly did have a broken heart. Without Louis’ craziness in her life she had nothing left to live for, except the kids and they understood how much she missed him.

Together they went through the door to the afterlife, and it had been about 48 years since Abigail told Jocelyn to keep waiting because Harry still loved her. Though seeing all her old friends and still no Harry it became harder for her to keep her promise to wait. Of course, that was till about five years after Louis and Eleanor went through the door, when Niall and Anna died almost within the same day. Jocelyn squeezed them both as tight as she possibly could because Anna and Niall were like sister and brother to her. Half-way through the hug with Niall though Jocelyn finally broke down into tears about ready to give up on waiting for Harry.

           “I don’t think I can wait anymore, Niall, it is killing me as I watch all my family and friends move onto the afterlife, and I am just stuck here waiting. I feel like I have been here forever. I know I promised Harry and all, but you don’t realize how hard it is to watch you all leave me here.” she cried out not being able to hold her tears back anymore. Niall picked her up and sat her on his lap in a chair and Anna sat next to them rubbing Jocelyn’s back. The two of them just let her cry for a bit.

           When Jocelyn had finally calmed down Niall decided it was safe for him to speak, “Joce, Harry was by all of our death beds as we were dying. Maybe everyone else didn’t hear him but I heard him every time because we always went together. He would ask us to remind you how much he loved you if we saw you here. I heard him say it one last time before I passed.” Niall wiped away the tears still on her cheek. “He doesn’t want you to give up on him. He will join you one day but you just have to keep remembering that love you once had for him and the love he has always had for you, pumpkin!” He finished giving her waist a tight squeeze.

           “I have never stopped loving him and I never could he was my life, my protector, my friend, my lover, and my heart. It just has been getting harder the past few years with all of you passing through and still no Harry!” Jocelyn explained with a small pout.

           “I know pumpkin it has been hard on Harry too. Losing all of his friends and he continues to live not only without you but now without his brothers there to help him get through every day. There have been many times that he has wanted to end his life but didn’t because he knew how disappointed you would be in him. We all missed you but no one else’s missing or love for you could ever be as strong as Harry’s. Please just hold on for a little bit longer.” He whispered in her ear causing her to giggle when it tickled. “If you want Anna and me to wait with you, so you are not completely alone you know we will do it. We love you, Joce. I don’t want to see my little sister sad, especially since this is the first time I have seen you in almost 53 years...” He said and she looked at him.

With a shake her head she told him no. She knew it was his time to go to the afterlife and the fact that him and Anna died together like in the Notebook, she knew they loved each other and deserved to be in the paradise that is was through that door. They shouldn’t have to wait for her. After a couple more hours of talking to help calm Jocelyn down more, she led Niall and Anna to the door to the afterlife. Anna hugged her first and kissed her cheek one last time before stepping back so Niall could hug her as well. When Niall hugged her and he squeezed extra tight hoping some of his strength would help her make it through, like he used to when they were alive together and Jocelyn was in an upset and weak state. He kissed her cheek then laid his forehead on hers.

           “We will be waiting for you two on the other side of that door. All of us will, because I am sure with how many years, we have had to live without you the others are already waiting so we can make up for it all. So, stay strong pumpkin and I will see you soon.” He kissed Jocelyn one last time on the forehead then stepped back, took Anna’s hand and walked through the door to the afterlife!

           After that day Jocelyn told Jamie she couldn’t be a greeter anymore and she went back to reading the books Jamie brought her. One day she heard a disturbance coming from across the room and saw Jamie struggling with an elderly man. Jocelyn thought she would be nice and try to help Jamie out. She ran over to them and stepped in between the man and Jamie.

           “Excuse me sir, what is the problem?” Jacelyn asked trying to stop the fight before it got out of hand.

           “Lily Pad, is that you?” the elderly man asked staring into her eyes. She looked back into his and saw those beautiful emerald green eyes she loved and knew so well.

           “Harry, Oh my God Harry. But wait why do you look so old, the other boys turned young again when they got here?” she touched his face with a worried look on her’s. She turned to Jamie very confused.

           Jamie shook her head, “It happens sometimes, but no one is quite sure why!”

           “Harry, baby, are you okay? Why were you fighting with Jamie?” Jocelyn turned back to the elderly Harry. He looked at her and touched her cheek gently like he used to when they would cuddle in bed and he wanted a kiss. She almost pulled away from his touch, but then she remembered this is the man she loved more than anything in the world, the man she had planned to grow old with, and the man that she had waited in limbo all these years for. With tears in Jocelyn’s eyes at all the wonderful memories they had shared, she leaned in and kissed Harry like they had the day she died. It felt exactly the same and as she was kissing him, she felt him smile into the kiss. When Jocelyn pulled away, she kept her eyes closed remembering every sweet kiss they had ever shared. After a couple of seconds, she opened her eyes and see that Harry was back to the age had been on the day they were going to get married.

           “I was upset because I didn’t see you when I got here. At first, I thought you forgot about me and didn’t wait for me like you promised. So, I got really upset but then you came running over here and I knew I was just being stupid. You have never broken a promise to me!” he wrapped his arms around Jocelyn’s waist as she wrapped her arms around his neck. “Oh my God Jocelyn, I have missed you so much. I never stopped loving you. Maybe the reason I still looked like I did the day I died, was because I thought all my years of living was for nothing if the love of my life wasn’t here waiting for me. Loving me.” he leaned his forehead against hers, “Then when I saw you and you didn’t recognize me, I was sad that you didn’t love me as an old man, but then you kissed me and I realized no matter how I looked or how long I made you wait you definitely loved me. I know I have said this already, but I love you Lily Pad. I love you so very, very much. Please, please, please never leave me again.” He finished his speech and kissed Jocelyn softly but deeply not wanting it end.

She finally pulled away, “Harry, you know I never break my promises. When I met your wife for the first time, I have to admit I thought about breaking my promise for a split second but only because you married someone else.” She began to tear up and Harry started to wipe them away, “Then she told me that you never genuinely loved her but had always loved me and how she understood the whole time. Then I knew our love could make it through till you found me again. Then when Niall and Anna came through and I broke down again because I had to watch all my friends pass over while I stayed here. Niall reminded me that I was waiting for a man who loved me dearly and that I loved just as much. He said that I could make it and he was right!” she pulled him closer to her as more tears fell.

“It feels so good to be in your arms again after all these years. I can’t believe I didn’t recognize you at first but then I saw your eyes Hazza. Of course, I still loved you no matter how you looked or how old you were. After all you were the guy, I was planning on growing old with anyway. It’s just that you actually made it to the old age part of life, and I stayed like this for all those years.” Jocelyn put her nose against his. “I love you so, so very much and I have missed you more than I missed living. I will never leave you again because without you I have nothing and I don’t think any of our friends could make me as happy as you always have and always will.” They kissed again and then Jocelyn turned to Jamie.

“You were right! All along you were right! And I am so sorry from doubting you in the beginning, but you were right!” Jamie said with tears in her eyes.

She grabbed Jamie’s hand, “What do you mean I was right? What is it I right about exactly?”

           “You were right about Harry’s love for you. You told me 76 years ago when you first passed away and showed up here that Harry would never, ever forget you or move on because he said he would love you forever and always. You were right he never forgot about you and never really moved on. This is the first time I have seen a love so pure and true. Thank you for that I was giving up on love after the past 576 years I have been working here. but you two and all of your friends that have come through here have shown me love does still exist in the horrible world of the living.” More tears fell down her face. Jocelyn wiped her tears away with her free hand and then pulled her into a hug.

           Once Jamie had calmed down Jocelyn pulled back and smiled at her. “You’re welcome because everyone should believe in love even if it is very seldom and exceedingly rare. It is out there. Thank you as well, Jamie!” she smiled even brighter this time and took both of Jamie’s hands in hers, “You helped me stay distracted while I was waiting, you helped all these years to pass by as normally as you possibly could. You were there for me when I needed to talk or cry. You became like a mother figure to me, while I was like a stubborn, love stricken, teenage daughter. Thank you for everything you have done for me, for my friends, and for everyone else that has and will come through here. It sucks that I have to leave you here alone now, but always remember that I love you like family.” Jocelyn hugged Jamie one last time and squeezed extra tight.

           “I love you too, dear. I will miss you, but I will be okay on my own. After all I had been doing it for 500 years before I met you. You were just the first girl that had this sort of effect on me the others were incredibly rude and snobby. You were sweet, kind, and very helpful when I needed it. You have waited 76 years for this day, now it is time for you to go through that door that you helped so many people through over the years. So, GO!” Jamie cheered. Jocelyn smiled and took Harry’s hand finally letting go of Jamie and walked toward the door. It opened up for her and she could finally see what she never got to see before, when she wasn’t ready. There on the other side of the door stood her parents, Harry’s parents and sister, Liam and Dani, Zayn and Perrie, Louis and El, and Niall and Anna. All of them stood there with smiles on their faces, waiting for Jocelyn and Harry to come join them. She took one last look back at Jamie and who had tears running down her face, but she was still smiling. Jocelyn waved to her and blew her a kiss. Jamie caught the kiss and waved a sorrowful goodbye back to her. Then Jocelyn and Harry walked through the door hand in hand and started to hug all their friends. Then the door closed behind them and Jocelyn knew everything would be better from that moment on!

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 A/n: This was my first ever Imagine/One Shot back when 2012 when I was still very much into One Direction. I have edited from 2nd person to 3rd and fixed any grammatical errors I could find since then. If you have read this previously on a Tumblr page by the name of Thedreamerwhowrites, that was my old Tumblr page which I decided to get rid of and start a new one with my new fanfictions of my kpop bands I like. I wanted to add the 1D stories I wrote on here as well so you guys could enjoy them, too. Sorry if this was a weird story, I wrote a story sort of like this when I was in middle school and thought it would be cute to change it to have the 1D boys in it!

[awol-newt]

welp.

do you ever wonder why the fuck some people can deposit checks for $164k and not blink? money doesn’t buy happiness but it sure makes being happy a lot easier when you aren’t thinking about bills.

sometimes people suck. a woman asked if knew how to copy something so i could help one of the bankers out. somebody asked why i couldn’t remember her name despite me only seeing her once every couple months and never really talking-talking and actually having a million other clients. somebody said, i don’t think a teller can help me. i need to see somebody with a desk. (sure. let me grab my tablet. my desk is the one in the corner with the plant, a picture of me with my girlfriend and cat, and all the desk toys. i’ll be right over.) another person said, i’ll ask the manager [about an obscure online banking thing that even i now little about but have given you my 98% sure answer] instead.

friends. i’m rambling and ranting to you because i am sad and have terrible coping mechanisms. but also because i want to complain about my job.

i work at a large financial institution. i have worked there for 14 months. the district manager didn’t want to hire me but my manager fought for me. in those fourteen months i have:

earned two certifications, one in anti-money laundering and bank secrecy act compliance and one in fraud prevention. two certifications not required for my role.

had my transaction authority (how much cash i can give out or how large of checks i can write without consulting somebody else with a higher authority) increased from $2,500 to $50,000

given wire transfer authority (huuuuge risk if you fuck up)

given official backup management authority by my manager and market operations (compliance) analyst

more or less filled the role of assistant manager (a role which no longer exists across the board)

volunteered to join a specific group of people dedicated to reaching out to clients for at least three hours a week

invited to a special counsel to provide thoughtful questions and advice to my district manager

asked to join the committee to help plan the company’s 2020 participation in pride

nominated to travel to another state to help open new locations because of my dedication and knowledge of company resources and professional development

told by the regional manager to stay in touch throughout my career after following up with a role-related meeting (see fifty or sixty some people where i was memorable)

impressed pretty much everybody who i’ve ever worked with

i still am paid at the lower end of my possible pay scale. i am still considered the entry level position despite having privileges that folks with five years of experience don’t have. i am the person that several private wealth (investable assets greater than $100k) turn to when they need something because i am efficient and competent.

i sent an international wire transfer today. we usually ask for 45 minutes to an hour to allot towards the process because there are a lot of steps. my client asked how long it would take and i said i could have her free before her next appointment in forty minutes. what i didn’t tell her is that i am confident in my ability to do an international wire in 25 minutes or less. i sent the wire. then we had time for me to figure out how to fix her paypal account linked to the bank.

she said she would come back to me next time she needed help.

she isn’t the only person.

i have a great manager inasmuch as she trusts me to do my own thing and gives me the time to work on my development if i ask for it. she is terrible at coaching. kind of terrible at advocating for me. she’s the manager who will be a good friend after i exit my current position whenever that may be.

i have an incompetent white man who should have retired five years ago as my colleague. he clings to old systems and old guidelines and for the life of him can never remember how to do anything or figure out anything on his own despite having nineteen years tenure more than me. it takes him two hours to send an international wire and he still makes mistakes.

i am trying to remove myself from a customer-facing role. i’ve been a top contender for roles to which i’ve applied internally. i have had recruiters at other institutions reach out to me. i have a mentor who advocates for me for requisitions that require several more years of official experience than i possess.

but i am still stuck. i’m stuck in a way that makes me feel like my life is in limbo even though i am ready to try to begin the next stage with the person i love, which is on hold for a number of reasons.

my life felt like it was imploding two years ago and then i found tumblr and fandom and friends again. there was support and stability in my life again. i got a job with insurance so i didn’t have to pay $400 for the medications that were keeping me from drowning. i met my person. i stopped having as many down days and started feeling productive and accomplished again and like i wasn’t the complete failure i felt like when i withdrew from my phd program.

i really, really fucking wanted this job in denver. not just because of the 50% pay increase but because it was a chance to start laying down roots in a place that could be long-term home. a place where i might actually begin to build a family of my own. the possibility signaled the light at the end of the tunnel for my ldr. a chance for me to prove and show so much more professionally and personally.

i was devastated. i am devastated. not necessarily because i didn’t get the position but because of what getting that position could have offered. might have promised.

and now shit’s just fucked and i’m stressed because Life.

my job is pissing me off. my handful of clients that know me, who only want to work with me, are my job’s saving grace. helping them (and other people who don’t yell at me) is why i find my job bearable even if i want to jump off a cliff every time my ancient colleague speaks or somebody assumes he knows more than me because he’s an old white guy in a suit rather than me, a baby-faced, non-binary queer who has tattoos but still wears ties to work.

i am just tired.

i am tired, friends.

and now i guess i am going to curl up in bed with my plushie baby stitch and play hooky through tomorrow because i am stressed and sleep deprived and sad and tired.

sorry to dump. and sorry to all the folks out there who have it worse than me. fwp.

sorry. all the sorry’s.

[gaasaku-fanfests]

Toda una vida (A whole live)

Title: Toda una vida (A whole live) Author: arethaatrahasis Rating: K+ Word Count: 4228. Summary: A whole live between Gaara and Sakura. Warnings: Fluff, Mental Diseases. PWP Author's Note(s): Hi! :) I hope you like this OS, first of all I tried to stuck with your prompts, but English is not my mother tongue and with some of the prompts I got scared, so I decided this (?) I don' t know if you would like this, if yes YAY! and if not lie to me please, but a read a OS that was about 50th prompts written like this one and I thought: that will do. So, I tried to include as much prompts as I could that you gave to me, and the others I invented them. I'm not sure that this whole thing has a plot, and I hope, really hope, to not deceive you. While you read, I’m sure that you will find some mistakes, grammar and vocabulary, but I'm human and I'm not perfect (and a terrible procrastinator that has some social problems that don' t allow her to ask for a much needed help).

(Additional note: Mild SasuSaku. Eventual character death. But not tragic. @arethaatrahasis​ As promised, I edited it for you; you should see the differences clearly.😊💕)

Prompt chosen: AU (in order of preference: career (adult), college, high school) Partner: darkcivet [pinch-hitter]

 #1. Highschool.

The first time they see each other it’s in high school. People says that the first impression is what matters. Well… Theirs wasn’t the best.

 #2. Scared.

Sakura was really scared. She was fourteen years old, she was young, innocent, and scared as fuck.

She was watching her best friend, Naruto, fighting with Sasuke, his platonic love, another guy. He came from another high school, in Sunagakure.

They were in an exchange… In an exchange of fist.

Sasuke was knocked out and Naruto couldn’t hold it for much longer, but also the other guy seemed pretty bad up. So, she did the only thing that she could do, call a professor.

 #4. Cry baby.

The pink haired girl was a cry baby.

Gaara was starting to get sick of her. Crying won’ t solve anything, and the horrible noise of her sobs was starting to get on his nerves.

He detested to agree with the Uchiha boy, but god was she annoying…

 #5. Birthday party.

The next time they see each other was in Naruto’s sixteenth birthday. She immediately recognized him, how could she not? The red hair, his eyes declined with kohl, the weird tattoo on his forehead… She had to warn Naruto.

“Hey, Naruto. Naruto… ¡Hey!”

“Hey Sakura- chan, what’s up?”

“I think someone sneaked in your birthday party.” Naruto looked at her and blinked in confusion.

“Who?”

“That boy over there, the one with whom you get into a fight with Sasuke- kun two years ago, do you remember?”

The blonde looked at the same direction as her and when he spotted the intruder he started to laugh.

“Sakura- chan, he didn’t sneak in, I invited him.”

“What?!” Asked her louder than she intended. “Why?!”

“Easy he shrugged nonchalantly. He is my friend.”

“He is your… What?”

Sakura couldn’t understand why Naruto would befriend someone that that had wanted to punch him to death. However, she didn’t have the time to tell that to Naruto, because he, quickly as lightning, grabbed her by the arm and started to pull her towards de red-haired guy.

“Sakura- chan talk to him! You will see that he is really a nice guy!” She preferred to be burned in hell.

 #6. Sorry.

Sakura was her name. Honestly, he didn’t remember much about her, only that the fight started because he pushed her and that she couldn’t stop to crying.

He sighed and looked at her, she was visibly uncomfortable standing there with him, he could swear that she was here against her own will, Naruto probably compelled her to be there, and she was desperately looking for an excuse to get the hell out of there.

She was polite enough to not run away without a plausible excuse.

“I apologise.”

For the first time in that party, she looked at him intently in the eyes, he could appreciate confusion and curiosity dancing in her orbs.

“What for?”

For the fight of two years ago, and for having pushed you. I shouldn’t have done that. So, I apologise.

She bit her lower lip, clearly insecure of what to say, or what to do. But finally, she spoke.

“Why did you do that?”

He knew that she deserved some answers, however he wasn’t ready to tell the whole truth, not yet at least.

“I had anger issues.”

“And how did you solve it?”

“He couldn’t tell if she was just curious or nosy.”

“Pills.”

For his surprise she laughed, not at him, or for what someone had said about him, she laughed because of him, for something that he had said. He was startled… and amazed, that felt… nice.

 #7. Message.

Hi Gaara- kun! :)

It’ s me, Sakura. I asked Naruto for your telephone number, I hope you don’ t get angry with us :P By the way, if you are free tomorrow afternoon we can go to the Science and Natural Museum here in Konoha.

If you want, you can ask Temari and… uh… Kankuro? if they want to come too. I won’ t ask Naruto because the last time I visited a museum with him we almost got banned from there for life.

If you can’ t because you are returning to Suna have a safe trip!

See you soon XOXO

 #8. Awkward.

He felt awkward.

He was enjoying himself quite a little in the museum, but his new acquaintance didn’t stop talking. And he didn’t know what to do, was he supposed to talk back? To ask her questions? To tell her to shut the fuck up?

However, her explanations were interesting, she knew a lot. And he was enjoying that she treated him like a normal person, like if that incident of two years ago didn’t even happen.

But he was amused. He liked how her eyes sparkled when they saw the dinosaurs’ skeletons, or when her nose wrinkled when she didn’t like the Neanderthal part for being “too poor and bad explained”, or when she watched for a solid thirty minutes a giant pendulum clock that worked thanks to gravity.

He discovered that they have interests in common, like reading, she liked romantic novels, but like him, she also read historical, science- fiction and crime.

He felt a nice feeling, different of the one that he felt towards Naruto, but it wasn’t disgusting at all. maybe it was because it was a girl, or because she was different from his blonde friend. Who knew. So, he finally decided to not overthink about it and flow with the conversation, situation, her and everything else on that afternoon.

Nevertheless, he still felt awkward.

 #9. Time.

They barely saw each other in two years. They kept in contact thanks to messenger and another social apps.

And in that period of time, they finally thought of each other as friends.

 #10. Accident.

Naruto and Sasuke had had a terrible accident, they were both in the emergency. All their friends and families were in the hospitals’ waiting room. He came all the way from Suna only to support Kushina and Minato… And for Sakura too.

She was a mess, she couldn’t stop crying, he was afraid that she will collapse in any moment.

But he couldn’t do anything, he could only wait, wait for news, for the doctor, and pray, pray to a God, who he didn’t believe at all, that his best friend will be safe and well.

He needed comfort as much as she, so he slid his hand and grabbed hers, she didn’t reject him, and squeezed his right hand letting him know that she was thankful and that in her way she was also there to offer him support, comfort and shelter.

He sighed. It would be the longest hours of their lives.

 #11. Confession.

It wasn’t a normal accident.

Sakura needed to confess this, and she knew that Gaara will be the only one who won’ t run with the juicy gossip.

“I mean… Yes, they were both riding a motorbike and something happened and that’ s why they are here but… It was Sasuke’ s fault… He… He has been frequenting bad companies lately. Naruto and I tried to stop him… But it was useless, he won’t just listen to us. And… And that   night Naruto and I tried to confront him for the last time and… And everything went so… so wrong…”

She started to cry again, however Gaara didn’t make a move to comfort her. He already knew all of this, not thanks to her, but yes from Naruto, he had helped him to investigate Sasuke’s new friends. But he couldn’t tell her that.

“It was my fault… All my fault… If I haven’ t pressured Naruto to go and confront Sasuke anything of this would have happened…”

He exhaled and refused to look at her, he felt as guilty as her for Naruto having lost his right arm.

 #12. Beginning.

They were in another party. But this time Sakura and Gaara chatted freely and there were no bad vibes at all. Naruto and Sasuke had left the hospital a few days ago, and their families decided to throw them a welcome party.

Gaara was happy for Naruto, despite losing one arm he was still as cheerful as always, and that nearly close to death incident had helped him to start dating Hinata Hyuuga.

He was happy for him, but he thought that Uchiha Sasuke didn’t deserve all of this.

“Hey guys I have the biggest announcement ever!” Cried Naruto who was standing on a table

“You all know that Hinata and me are now dating, but there’ s a new couple in town! Finally, Sasuke and Sakura are dating!”

All the crowd cheered while Sakura blushed and Sasuke seemed as emotionless as always. No… Gaara thought, he didn’t deserve this too.

 #13. Pub

“I hope Uchiha- san would have come with you guys too.” Gaara tried not to laugh at how false Temari sounded.

He still has a lot of rehabilitation to do… Besides, in his… rebel phase he really skipped studies, so he has a lot to catch up to…

Sakura didn’t explain anything further, and they didn’t ask.

A few months have passed since that party where Naruto announced the happy couple. Nevertheless, the communication between the pink haired girl and he had abruptly been put in a limbo, they speak but not as frequently and freely like before the accident, and Gaara suspected that Sasuke and the insane necessity of Sakura to please him had something to do.

He didn’t want to be here, he didn’t feel so well, he was afraid that he could snap in any   moment, Shukaku didn’t shut up.

He shouldn’t be there in the pub… The lights were annoying him.

 #14. Snap.

It was like seeing a blood lust monster. Sakura couldn’t understand what she was seeing. Gaara, the boy she came to know, the one that didn’t think less of anyone, who was respectful, patient, whose hobbies were doing puzzles and yoga, that boy was trying to kill three boys.

She didn’t know why he was doing this, or how this happened, she wanted to cry, to cry, run and hide from everything and everyone, but he was her friend, so she decided to be brave and save him from getting in jail.

 #15. Avoid.

“Sakura- chan is persistent.”

Naruto was in his room looking through the window. He understood that after one episode he needed time to recover and readjust to the world that surrounded him.

Now Temari and Kankuro knew how to treat him after one of those, so Kankuro didn’t shout or made any loud sound, and Temari brought him a bowl of boiled rice, a cup of orange juice and his pills.

“I don’t want to talk to her right now.”

He closed his eyes and started to feel how the pills made their magic. He barely could hear him. He heard how Naruto sighed and he heard how he moved uncomfortable next to the window.

“Gaara… She tried to stop you.”

“I remember everything, Naruto, it’ s not how it used to be. I don’ t snap so often anymore and I can remember almost everything when I have one of my episodes.”

“Gaara…”

“Please Naruto…just… Just let me sleep… I’m tired…”

The last thing he thought before he felt into unconsciousness was that Sakura couldn’t be present if he snapped another time.

 #16. Look at me.

“Gaara… Gaara! Sabaku no Gaara look at me!”

He stopped dead in his tracks and looked at her. The crazy woman was shouting in the middle of the street. Everyone was looking at them, and she seemed furious, this time it was him who was scared.

“Why the fuck are you inviting me?”

Oh… She was really angry, she was swearing, she never said the four-letter words if she wasn’t furious or scared as fuck.

“I’m not.”

He was lying, and she knew it, she looked at him and bit her lower lip.

“You are afraid to hurt me like the other time, don’ t you? I understand, but if you would listen to me…”

“No. Listen you to me, Sakura. I’m schizophrenic, Sakura, schizophrenic. You cannot get in middle every time I have a crisis, on a day I might kill you. I appreciate your necessity of saving every fucking living shit that crosses your way, but this is the real live and you are not prepared to control me when I’m having one of my episodes.”

He could see how she shifted uncomfortable and he saw the marks of his finger in her pale neck. He would remember for the rest of his live how he tried to strangle her.

“You still don’t know which business I do have here in Suna, do you?” He blinked confused for the abruptly change of subject.

“No.”

Then go to the stadium at 6 p.m., don’t be late. And if after what you see you still want to put some distance between us, I will not argue, ok? I think it’ s better if you see it.

He didn’t understand a thing, but if with that she would act with more common sense around him, he would be there gladly.

 #17. Boxing.

Holy shit Sakura practised boxing. When she said that she had come to Suna because she had some business, he didn’t think for a second that her business was competing in the Suna’s boxing tournament.

He was amazed, she almost won. She arrived at the finals, but the other competitor was better, it didn’t matter anyway, the next year surely she would win.

“You stayed ’til the end.”

He was waiting for her in the exit. Nobody but him went to cheer her, maybe she wanted to keep this a secret.

“You did great.”

That was his response, he indulged himself to smile a little, and she sat down next to him.

“I understand what you were saying earlier, but about last night… I wasn’t prepared, I admit that I don’t know how to act when you have a crisis, but I’m strong enough to not get killed.”

“I know.”

They were in silence for a few minutes before Sakura started to speak again.

“Then, this crap about distance and not wanting me to get hurt is over, isn’t it?” He laughed and looked at her.

“Absolutely.”

“Fine, because if you turn to do something like that again te voy a a dar una ostia que te va a molestar el cielo pa’ dar volteretas.”

He didn’t understand a thing, but he could feel the threat in her words.

 #18. Demon.

“I call him Shukaku.”

They were having dinner and finally he was being honest with all his problems, only Naruto and his brother and sister knew that the voice had a name. Yes, he was schizophrenic, but if he took his pills and followed all the instructions that the psychiatrist had told him, he wasn’t dangerous at all. Of course, he had good and bad days, but like everybody.

He calls himself the sand demon. Sakura swallowed and smiled.

“It’s fitting, since you live in the desert, you know?”

She laughed, and he couldn’t stop to notice that even with a purple eye and hers lips broken she looked beautiful.

 #19. Congratulations.

Hey,

Congratulations for having entered in the medicine school. But it’s not necessary that you send me a picture when you start practising with corpses. Thanks.

I will try to visit you this summer, Temari thinks that we don’t know that she is dating Shikamaru. I hope that she will stop pretending because she will stop being so grumpy.

Gaara.

P.S.: I WON’ T SAY XOXO

 #20. Break up.

Sasuke and I broke up.

Sakura was sad, but not as sad as she should feel. She knew that she had been pinning after Sasuke for ten years, however after two years almost dating, she couldn’t stand it anymore, her relationship with him wasn’t what she was expecting absolutely. She tried to feel bad, but she couldn’t.

“I feel so guilty…”

“I already told you,” Sakura Gaara spoke from the phone trying to not sound as pleased as he was for the news. “You can’ t save everyone, as a future doctor you have to learn how to live with this, there will be times that you won’ t be able to save someone. And that’ s fine, you are a human after all.”

“I still feel bad, what can I do to ease the feeling?”

She tried hard not to cry, but some treacherous tears slid down her checks.

“Talk with me.”

She laughed and so she did.

 #21. Spanish.

“I have really humble origins. I studied in Konoha’s high school because of a scholarship, my parents couldn’t afford pay it.”

“Is that where you learned how to speak Spanish?”

They were on the phone, they almost talked every day, and that one he decided to ask her what she said that night after the boxing’ s tournament.

“No, I’m pretty bad at learning languages, I know how to speak Spanish because the woman who used to take care of me was from Spain, it’ s been almost four years that she retired and returned to her homeland. She did swear a lot, gods, what was really useful because neither my parents or teachers never knew what I was saying.”

They both laughed, and Sakura continued speaking.

“The exact translation of what I told you that night would be: I will blow you so hard that the sky will bother you to do somersaults. It sounds more threatening in Spanish.”

“I agree.”

 #22. Move.

She was complaining that she had no one in Konoha, that all her friends seemed to leave her behind, and she hated that. All of them had already finished their degrees and now they were looking for a job, working or starting they knew family, Ino and Sai were expecting their first child.

And she was stuck in the longest degree of all, she loved medicine, but she felt alone. So, the suggestion come easily to him.

Why don’t you move to Suna and end your studies here? You won’t need to pay for rent, you can stay at my place, you know the house is big for the three of us.

She thanked him and said that she appreciated the offer but that moving won’t solve anything. Despite all of this she called three days after asking if the offer was real and that if he and his siblings were ok with that the following semester, she would be doing it in Suna.

 #23. Wedding.

Temari and Shikamaru were marrying. Sakura was happy for them, they were meant for each other. It was hard returning to Konoha after almost one year of studying abroad, but she didn’t feel as bad as she thought she would feel. Sasuke had a new girlfriend, Karin, and honestly, she was happy for him, for the first time in years he seemed genuinely content.

When the music started to sound, she got up and looked to the church’s entrance were Temari, Kankuro and Gaara were standing, the blonde woman decided that her two brothers will accompany her down the aisle.

Temari was beautiful, but she couldn’t help to blush fifty shades of red t how good Gaara looked with his tailored suit.

 #24. I love you.

It was rain season in Sunagakure.

Sakura thought that she would never come to love the desert, however she was deadly mistaken. She adored the desert, because love… She was in love with Gaara, and it was then that she realized it.

They were sitting comfortable on the sofa, she had a cup of hot tea in her hands and he was just showered and his hair was still wet. They both were reading, and only the noise of the rain could be heard, Kankuro wasn’t at home, they were alone.

She said the words without giving it much of a thought.

“I love you.”

 #25. First.

Sakura was his first in everything, he was a virgin a terrible inexperienced, she was not.

Their first kiss was in their rooftop while they were seeing the sun setting in the desert. The first time they hold hands as a couple were when he took her to a concert, she didn’t want to lose him in the crowd, their first date was in Suna’ s greenhouse…

Gaara was amazed at how wonderful his life had become since Sakura was his girlfriend.

He knew he sucked the first time that they made love, she simply smiled and said that he only  need to gain experience, and he told her that if she was up to teach him, that he wasn’t really a good student, but for her he would make the effort, she laughed and kissed him, she laughed at hers unique and amazing way, the one that used when she was with him. And was then when Gaara said the words for first time.

“I love you, Sakura Haruno.”

All their first times were amazing for both of them.

 #26. Elope.

They eloped.

Temari and Naruto were terribly angry about it, but they did anyway. As natural as Sakura had been saying “I love you” the first time, the “yes” had come also naturally when Gaara proposed.

“Let’ s elope.”

She just licenced and had two weeks until she had to start her stage in Suna’s hospital. They had money, and they wanted, they didn’t need anything else.

They travelled to the Land of the Rivers, she bought the first white dress that she saw in a store, and he wore his favourite jeans. The rings were bought in the cheapest jewellery, and nobody aside of them, the officer and God were witness of their wedding.

The honeymoon was there too. They did some sport, they laughed, they made love, they shared silences filled with love, they started to plan their live together, and on top of all they were happy.

 #27. Children.

It’ s Gaara who after three years brought up the subject of having children of their own. He finally had a steady job, as did she. They have compatible schedules, so they will both be able to take care of the child, Kankuro finally moved out and they had some savings, he really wanted to have a child.

And again, without thinking much of it, she said yes.

 #28. Fault.

She, they, tried to get her pregnant for a year, but they didn’t succeed. She felt like a failure. She cried every day, she barely sleeps nor eat, she was losing weight and Sakura started to only get off their home only to get to work. Gaara was concerned, so he suggested that they went both to the hospital and made a prove, to see what was happening.

“I’m fine! Shouted her when she received the inform. I’m perfectly fine! Then why I’m not conceiving?!”

“I know Sakura, it’ s not your fault, calm down, it’ s not your fault. It’ s mine, I’m sterile.”

 #29. Adopt.

After that they didn’t talk about children for a solid month, until Sakura came up with an idea.

“Why don’ t we adopt?”

 #30. Shinki.

His name was Shinki, and he was the oldest boy in the orphanage. He had autism and that’ s why nobody adopted him, it wasn’t a severe case, but it was obvious that the child had something, and nobody wanted to adopt him.

However, Gaara and Sakura were different, they weren’t like everybody, and after four long months, they finally and officially become Shinki’s parents.

 #31. Family.

They become a family, a family of three, they thought about adopting another kid, the world was full of kids who needed love, but finally they decided to not to. Instead of this they gave money every month to the orphanage and participated in the public events that it organized.

Sakura found that this wasn’t the family that she had planned having when she was a child, but she wouldn’t change a think all that she had overcame had brought here to this point, where she was happy with Gaara and Shinki, they were the love of her life, and she was theirs.

Everything was like it had to be, it was perfect.

 #32. Part.

They grow old together, they had fights, they had love, they had crisis, they had a family, they had everything they ever needed.

Shinki left home and married a man, they always supported him, and he had the job of his live, he was a biologist that studied the fauna’ s desert. And he also adopted two beautiful little girls from his same orphanage.

Gaara and Sakura grow old together, and with old it came also death, Gaara was the youngest of them both, but also, he was the first to part away. He did in his sleep, Sakura woke up one autumn morning and realized that Gaara wasn’t breathing, she cried because her best friend, the love of her live, had gone without her.

It was between sobs that she noticed that there was a fine smile in his lips, and for the first time in his life Gaara seemed to be, finally, completely, at peace.

[hxpeincarnate-a]

BACKSTORY  - 

The tides of change were never far from a child born to a clan of beasts among men of the modern day, taken away from her blood within the morning hours as the blood of family stained the landscape. For the child never knew of her real family, but instead, of the family she had been given to, the family she had been placed in the care of for years before fate reared its ugly head. This was the Hykean family, one of strong ties to hunting monsters over the years and one that was no stranger to magic.

In her childhood, she was happy. Getting almost anything she could ever ask for, even if it was the most absurd requests. It was mostly, her new parents’ way of hiding her from the reality of the war that was knocking at the door, the true devils of the world that hid right in plain sight. But happiness had came to an end with a day that rumbled her very soul. A car crash that took the life of her mother, and had left her deep within a coma for seemingly days on end. It was then that the little flicker of fate begun to show, awakening at the hospital only to be ripped away by a man with a form that sent shivers down her spine.

When reality had just begun to make more sense, it only grew darker. Grim and stuffed behind the bars of some cage, left to rot in an orphanage turned horror house. A part of her screamed out the orders, to fight, to take control.

But she was only five years old.

It was only a matter of time before she found the light within the dark. Watching as another soul dared to try fighting back, that she wasn’t alone in thoughts. For a time, she took solace in simply knowing that she hadn’t been alone, but the echo of a voice familiar to herself called out to take the chance, to follow destiny - and she did.

With the other watching over her, they stood tall against their adversaries that came in the form of WENDIGOS who pled their allegiance to the insanity of the LUNAR ORDER. A snowstorm came and they made their move. The death of a monster the start of a ….

Game

She awoke to years gone by, within a little bedroom off a ( so - called ) small cafe. Footsteps had been shaky the first bundle she took them, eyes cloudy from slumber, only to step out to face the world she had always belonged to looking… Different. Thirteen going on Fourteen - and yet instead of just the sweet smiles of the folks passing by, she saw numbers…. Values of HoPe and the pounding headache of deja vu.

The world wasn’t what it seemed and she knew this well.

Yet there was only one home for the beast in human skin, leaving the cafe behind with the glance of a Fate watching over her step. She was found once again by the ones she called family but they’ve aged ( just as she ) and yet… A pain in her chest only kept resounding. Beat after beat. Little did they know of the secrets she hid behind the forced smile and chocolate covered lips. She smiled through the memories, the resentment only revived by the facts that she was no kid anymore.

With a pendant in her right hand, a choker on her throat, she followed in the footsteps of her memories of the PAST LIVES that screamed out her name.

To get this GAME on the road.

While at first, she might have been alone in her endeavors, friends became allies - PARTY MEMBERS - to rely on in the blaze of battle. Joining TEAM #351 alongside the crew she had known for many lifetimes over and over again. Yet, she didn’t dare to hesitate or show a sign of weakness as they took down baddie after baddie - because her part to play was the hero.

But then, heroes are meant to be tested.

Speed and Speed ( apple v. brownie arc )

For the first time in a while, she was alone once again against an advisory she only wanted to understand. That, however, came at the cost of fight after fight - of the blame game being raised upon her and yet, as scales and machine raced through the city on the black skies, she understood.

Trickery was CHAOS’S favorite game after all.

Claws slammed against the ground again and again, wings reached far as humans watched cluelessly of the magical fight that took place within the skies above them. Metal against claws, gunpowder against knives - they were matched - and for once, she felt alive once more within the loop.

It came to an end with an explosion, watching a boy fall from the sky and her following after, wings softening his fall while bones cracked. Some time had to be taken to mend wounds, fix herself only for the next fight to be knocking on the door.

Beginning of the End ( lunar order pt. 1 arc )

Together - she continued to tell herself - would they fight anything that was thrown their way. Yet, when it came to the news of despair continuing to dig itself to the light, she couldn’t help the shiver down her spine, the anger in her chest. She didn’t have the right however to cower out and hide in the safety of a place far far away.

No, with her weapons at her side, she marched just like the rest of them into the devil’s castle, the underground where the depraved howled out their war songs. With blades raised, they dared the depths of hell, wandering deeper and deeper into limbo to see the fate of a world forgotten, but the people who existed were frozen still forever more.

It only was when they spotted the rubble of a forgotten village of the past that it sent her quivering, the opposing souls within her being hissing in regards to what they saw. Ruins covered in a spell of old.

Devil ‘mong Men ( lunar order pt. 2 arc )

No longer children, they were warriors fighting against a man of disaster, Lucifer. This hadn’t been the first time, but it would be their last fight with the man who started this whole mess in the first place. With weapons raised, they went for the throat. A war against light and dark made storm clouds roar above the victorian stones, and in the midst of battle, she died - but not for long.

It was a plan perhaps a bit insane, but, the god forced the hand of an ally, Arthur, she knew would be upset. It was the only way to victory, and if it meant risking everything, so the monster of all men would fall, she’d do it again in a heartbeat. Upon the final hit, the game corrupted for what seemed forever, but only was a matter of seconds as the duo sent Lucifer on a one way trip to reliving his death over and over again.

Calm Before the Storm ( filler arc )

The stunt that saved the world from a monster had sent her back to sleep for weeks upon weeks. When she awoke, she had found herself in a place all too familiar, the warm salty water licking bruised and scarred skin as the sun glowed bright above her. For a moment, it was too peaceful - forgetting that soon would be her damnation if she couldn’t figure out a way to finish off CHAOS for good.

Yet, she stood once more on her own two feet and started crafting a plan. A legendary blade - a near impossible task. Was there really any chance ? She hadn’t a choice and alongside the rest, she begun to look for the shards of Excalibur. It was their only option to do the impossible.

‘Till it’s Over ( against chaos arc )

The hours were getting close, the end was upon them and there was no more delaying the inevitable. For the road traveled was coming to a tapered end within the icy cold of the north, she had no more time to be a scared child that could run away from their responsibility.

She no longer was the child who was scared of her destiny.

Blood that once splattered in the white snow, the mockery of the curse that flowed through her veins it only took seconds to begin the fight that would end in peace or another restart. Fingers gripped tight against her dagger, seals breaking as the war was ending today whether CHAOS liked it or or not.

With one hit, the world went black and the end was closing in. The memories of failures, the pain in her chest from the RESTARTS on repeat. With one move, it was now a match between two souls from the same coin. With the string of Elepis wrapped around him, one more pull to the surface and the console reopening for one more command to be made by the god, his defeat was inevitable and the TRUE END within reach.

[ujuro]

this is my running list that i have kept in my drafts all year of things that i wanted from kpop in 2018. some are kind of vague but honestly which groups were “successful” and which weren’t is really obvious because the “unsuccessful” ones just didnt come back at all ugh

long post here we go

things i wanted from this year:

-success for wjsn: my girls got a win and their best-selling album yet so we’re on a roll now. but im somewhat worried because a lot of it comes from the new fame of c-line and between you and me i...dont think theyre ever coming back. prove me wrong yuehua.

-success for loona- is a debut mini selling over 50,000 copies success? ya know there are people that will say that based on how expensive and long their debut project was that everything was a flop and loona’s doomed but i dont really think that way. when lookin at it strictly as an actual debut they did great. i love my girls.

-success for clc- we’ll never know if anything could have come from a comeback after black dress because CUUUUUBBBBEEEEEE but im not salty or anything nooooo

-success for dreamcatcher: happyface and i think the girls themselves realize that their concept will never be mainstream but ya know what? my girls had a good year! they’re working hard and building a fanbase and theres nothing more i can ask for really

-someone please pay attention to sonamoo please: FUCK TS

-same for gugudan this is depressing: i dont know how their last comeback did but it seems like they kind of staying the same which is sad because gugudan probably ranks the highest of post ioi groups in terms of raw talent and consistently good music. stan my girl nayoung. 

-weme and pristin to actually get non-controversial actually good title tracks so we can put all of that to rest (though i’d die for wee woo don’t fuckin try it):  crush was well liked so we got that but FUCKIN PLEDIS OH MY GOD IM SO MAD IDEC THAT GET IT WAS GOOD THEY DIDNT GET A NON-CONTROVERSIAL TITLE TRACK THEY DIDNT GET ON AT ALL and NO PRISTIN V DOES NOT MAKE UP FOR IT FUCKIN PLEDIS anyway

-news on after school….any news…free them…: WELL lizzy is was freed and kaeun is in limbo (more on her later). now all we need is eyoung to be freed and i can sleep better. 

-news on secret: the news is that TS is a shitshow but what else is new. at least hyosung and jieun were freed.

 -FX COMEBACK- GODDAMNIT

 -Shinee to be happy and healthy: this is sort of a wish because i can never really know if they’re happy but in terms of what i can judge aka content this was a great shinee year. minho solo when

-9muses comeback PLEASE: got a great kyungri solo debut and it aint over till hyemi says its over but please one more comeback PLEASE

-aoa comeback: FUCK ALL OF THE HATERS BINGLE BANGLE RULES AND U ALL SAID THEY WOULD FAIL WITHOUT CHOA HA

-hello venus comeback: LOOK i know fantagio is a mess but they managed to gave their other groups a comeback COME THE FUCK ON

-for companies to just stop kidding themselves and disband dal shabet and bestie: with woohee gones dal shabet is over and im pretty sure bestie’s company doesn’t exist anymore so i guess thats solved

-solji to come back to exid: YEEEESSSSSS OUR MOTHER AND QUEEN IS BACK

-more non-taeyeon snsd solos (and a taeyeon one too thatd be great): fuck solos we actually got lil touch i didnt see that coming at all. oh AND a bunch of solos too snsd had to die so snsd could live i guess.

-any post-ioi group to get a win: Dia and wjsn! 

-ladies code comeback (or at least a hint at group activity): the hint came from a christmas song so i should be happy however i am unsatisfied. 

-t-ara news: the news is theyre being secretive in between solo work c’mon hyomin give up your plans

-fiestar news-disbanded and im still sad

-brown eyed girls comeback: someday...i have hope...i know they want to...

-LEE HI COMEBACK: FUCK YG but that goes without saying

-deleted a stupid one sorry gyus

-yoongi singing: lol im not even into bts anymore but i still like yoongi and seesaw is still a banger great job my dude

-kaeun to get into the produce48 group: hmph. normally i wouldnt be worried with her high place and the hype like it should be easy to give her something to do right? however this is pledies we’re talking about so i can only hope that what lizzy said and the rumors of her joining a new girl group come true. argh why pledis id even trust her with cube over them look at soyeon

-girls day comeback: see brown eye girls above

-a not terrible produce 48 group k at least put hitomi in it: I love izone i got over my hangups with the lineup real quick and now cringe at grown-ass adults still going off about a fourteen-year-old. like y’all. you can stan the group its fine they’re nice and talented girls. i swear. you’ll like them. hyewon is my queen. i still find wonyoung too young to connect with (im finding now that im too old to truly bias any idol under 16 or even 17. yujin is fifteen but she’s near the middle of my izone bias list.) but ya know what? its fine. theres 11 other girls to like. la vie en rose is a bop. sakura i love you. that is all.

-PLEASE EX 2NE1 MEMBERS DO SOMETHIN; minzy’s touring and bom of all people seems likely to release solo work before cl but like. its sad man i dont really consider this one done. fuck yg.

-fuck an fx comeback someone just tell me if they’re alive: can i even answer this one i dont know i think i was mad when i wrote it

-some kind of jbj/ibi like group from produce 48: Nope, probably unlikely due to the difficulties of getting any akb girls over there (i follow all of the contestants on instragram and they all seem pretty busy like miu and sae and miho and miru have actual shit to do). but i can dream.

...

alright out of approximately 30 wishes (i cant count) about half of them (i cant count) were at least partially fulfilled. this year was great for a lot of groups i like but not really for my 2nd gen and post-ioi faves. all of my absolute fave stuff came from groups that didnt even exist last year- fromis, idle, and izone. 

how do i even react to all of this im feeling to many emotions. moral of the story: fuck kpop companies the end

[theimaginesyouneveraskedfor]

Relic ~ 33

Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four Part Five Part Six Part Seven Part Eight Part Nine Part Ten Part Eleven Part Twelve Part Thirteen Part Fourteen Part Fifteen Part Sixteen Part Seventeen Part Eighteen Part Nineteen Part Twenty Part Twenty-One Part Twenty-Two Part Twenty-Three Part Twenty-Four Part Twenty-Five Part Twenty-SixPart Twenty-Seven Part Twenty-Eight Twenty-Nine Part Thirty Part Thirty-One Part Thirty-Two

Tags: @omgcupquak3stuff​ @dora3374 @the-butterfly21​ @oakenshieldgisborneandwinchester @everyjourneylove​  @russian-empress​ @cd1242 @the-lupine-sojourner @ara-toa-min @teenageclarisse​ @ghostqueenofeverything​ @cutie-bug​ @monachopsistime @captainwinterfalcon

(sorry to those who I can’t tag for some reason. If you like, you can message me and I’ll just start sending you the link to the chapters as they come out)

You would have been relieved when Shuri left if she hadn’t left your mom behind. Most of the afternoon had been spent in an awkward limbo; mediating between your mother’s interrogative manner and Bucky’s naturally elusive character. It was like watching a cat corner a mouse and often he looked to you for backup. You had spent your life contending with her but it hadn’t made the situation any easier.

Plus your mother had taken over your kitchen. She was in there singing and cooking. You had offered to cook for her but she had quickly put that argument to rest. And Oscar loved her. You could tell his affection was irking Bucky who had pouted when the goat wouldn’t even look his way. The relationship between man and beast was at times confounding.

You sat beside Bucky on the couch; silent, tense. Your shoulders were a good feet apart and you stared blankly at the wall. You didn’t want your mom to suspect anything. She had given you a hard enough time and you hadn’t stopped cringing since her arrival. Your leg was shaking and you listened to the movement in the kitchen; the only sound in the house.

“So…” Bucky kept his voice low, “How are we going to tell your mother?”

“We’re not,” You turned to him with revulsion, “She can’t know.”

“But...you’re an adult, Y/N and I think she might already suspect something.”

“Suspicion is not affirmation,” You countered. “You don’t understand my mom. I haven’t had a boyfriend since university and she never shut up about him. As if it was some miracle that I had managed to lure in a man.”

“Oh,” He frowned as thought wrinkled his forehead, “It wouldn’t bother me, you know? Nothing would...because I like you.”

“I...like you too,” You exhaled deeply, “That’s not the issue here. I wanted to take this slow because I didn’t want to mess it up. Lo and behold, it’s not even been one day.”

“I like your mother, too,” He said, “She’s nice. A bit forward at times but she’s alright.”

“Bucky, you don’t have--”

“My parents died, um, a long time ago,” He looked away as he spoke, “I didn’t even know because of...everything. I mean, waking up and seeing that it had been more than seventy years, I knew but I still had to ask. Steve found their obituaries for me. Reading those, knowing I had missed so much, was harder than it would have been had I been there. You should cherish your mother while you still have her.”

“Oh, James, I’m sorry, I wasn’t meaning to complain so much,” You touched his hand and he flinched, softening as his eyes met yours, “I’m such an idiot.”

“No, no, I didn’t mean it like that,” He said, “I only meant...I like having a mother around. Even if she’s not mine. Heh, even if I’m older than she is, it’s nice.”

“You can tell her if you want,” You surrendered, shifting closer, “It doesn’t matter who knows.”

You leaned in and kissed his cheek. His cheek went taut against your lips as he smiled but he quickly winced and pulled away. His brows formed a straight line as he glared at you in dismay.

“Tell me Shuri doesn’t know,” He hissed.

“Um, no?” You gave a toothy smile and he scowled, “Sorry, she’s too damn smart for her own good.”

Bucky warmed to your mother during dinner. It had to be her food as she continued to ask him unnecessary questions and even fed table scraps to Oscar. He looked less than impressed at the latter but had cleared his plate before either of you. You hadn’t much of an appetite as you were certain your relationship would be unveiled at any second.

“So, mom,” You pushed a noodle across your plate, “How long are you staying?”

“Did you want me out this second?” She said.

“N-no, I was just wondering,” You hadn’t intended to speak so sharply.

“Til the end of the week. Hopefully you can stomach me until then.”

“Mom,” You grimaced, “You know I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Well how would I know? You’ve been sitting here stewing in silence.” She chided.

You sighed and looked to Bucky who was staring at his bare plate. You couldn’t tell if he was thinking of asking for more or distressed by the argument. Likely both.

“I want you here, okay? I’m happy even if I didn’t expect it,” You twirled your fork nervously as Bucky turned to watch. His eyes were on your half-eaten food and you weren’t in much of a mood to finish it. You set down your fork and shoved your plate towards him, “Finish it for me.”

His eyes widened like a doe, as if he was surprised that you could see him. He must have thought you had forgotten his presence in lieu of your mother’s and not noticed his gluttonous struggle. He muttered a thanks as you turned your sights back to your mother.

“You’ll take my room, of course, and I’ll have the couch,” You were trying to sound natural but the whole day had made you tense. “And in the morning, we’ll show you Wakanda.”

You mother nodded, silently sipping from her glass. “I missed you, dear,” She finally spoke, “It wasn’t fair, you know? You came back so suddenly after the museum and then just as quickly you were gone. I had no idea what you were doing over here...though I might have some idea now.”

“Mom,” You warned in a low growl but Bucky was blissfully unaware as he devoured your leftovers.

“I’m only teasing you,” She chuckled, “I’m just happy to have my daughter close again. I’m not young anymore. It’s too late for me to find a hunk in the wild.”

“Jeez,” You swore but laughed. Your mom always had a way of making you smile even if it was your expense. “A little subtlety goes a long way, mother.”

You glanced to Bucky once more but he was too bust chewing noodles to hear your mother’s flirtations.