#honestly i deserve to have financially bad treats for myself because of this all

[tchaikovskym]

decided to celebrate a bit for kind of not-officially yet getting into a phd, getting into new jobs (2 of them actually), and having car problems on top of it all, so, naturally, i deserve to overspend on food delivery

[lovelywritinglady]

Be Okay pt.3

Satoru Gojo x Reader, Nanami Kento x Reader

Fluff, slight angst. Last part of this series.

Your pov

F/n came and picked me up from my apartment and took me to their home. I’m so grateful for them. I think I’d lose my mind entirely if I couldn’t have their help. They let me lounge on their couch for the time being. Thankfully it was extremely comfortable. They let me vent and cry about what happened. Telling me just how shitty Satoru is for cheating on me and ruining or relationship.

My life for the longest time has be all but consumed with Satoru. Now that I no longer have him, I’m not sure what to do. I know leaving was the best option for me. He cheated on me, broke my trust, and ruined the love we once shared. Part of me blames myself for what happened. Maybe I could have tried to love him more? Maybe I could have pretended? Or maybe I’m not pretty enough for him anymore? The woman he was with was extremely beautiful. Honestly, I can see why he was with her. However, if he wanted her so bad, then why did he stay with me? A week later I was touring a small apartment the was in my price range. One bedroom and one bathroom. Just enough room for me and whatever happens next.

Fifteen months later…

It’s been a while now and I’m much happier and I’ve been going to an awesome therapist for the past ten months.  And now I feel so fulfilled with myself and the life I made for myself. I was such a broken soul back then and now I feel free. I also got a new job at a financial company in the sales department. It’s a boring job that requires me to sell shit product for way more than they are worth. It’s not an honest job, but at least I get paid well. So I guess you can say that’s I’m okay.

I also met someone nine months ago whose so incredibly beautiful. His name is Nanami Kento. He’s a mature man that is so kindhearted. I never thought that I’d be able to love like this again, but he’s shown me that it’s okay to love. He was very respectful towards me and didn’t pressure me to do anything I wasn’t comfortable with. We took our time together and built up a trust that I never even had with Satoru. And I find the beauty in moving on from him. Now I see my worth when it comes to relationships and even other things outside of that. Kento really helped me realize that. So I can safely say that we love each other and that it’s real. I don’t fear losing him to someone else or being afraid of him flirting with other people. He looks at me and treats me like I’m the most important thing to him. He takes time out of his busy day to make sure I’m doing okay. That was something that took getting use to, but I realize that it’s a good thing. Nanami and I have a healthy relationship dynamic and I couldn’t be happier with it.

I haven’t seen Satoru Gojo since that dreadful day. I’m really glad for that. But now I know that if I see him, that it won’t hurt me like it I thought it would’ve months ago. Now I’m okay and his betrayal doesn’t affect me at all. I understand now that it wasn’t my fault in the slightest. That he was the one that broke that trust. I’ve felt so much lighter having that burden off of my shoulders. I try not to think about it too much, but I sometimes wonder how he’s doing now.

Satoru Gojo pov

It killed me not seeing her these past fifteen months. Initially I wanted to give her some space. I knew that if I went to her immediately, she’d shut me down. And I didn’t want that. I truly don’t know why I waited this long. Maybe it was because of work? Maybe it was because I was scared? Maybe I was just to nervous? I don’t really know. But now I’m ready to get her back. I’ve changed these past months. Since that woman, I haven’t been with any one else. No one else to me could even compare to y/n. No one else holds my heart the same way she does. No one else loved me even when we were at our lowest. I don’t deserve her at all. I know that I don’t, especially after what I did. But I’ll be dammed if I don’t try.

It’s practically took a month to convince y/n’s friend to tell me the area that my lover lived in. They simply wouldn’t budge. And to be honest, I kind of respect their loyalty. F/n told me that they would not give y/n’s actual address because that would be shitty. And they told me that it was up to y/n whether or not she would give me further information. Which was completely fair.

So here I am with her favorite flowers in hand walking around the area in which y/n lives at. I want to convince her that I’ve changed and that woman meant nothing to me. That y/n is the only person for me and back then I was far too stupid to understand that. If things go well, maybe we can move here together. This place is really nice and it’s got a homey feel to it. Walking around I notice a lot of cute stores and other fun things to do. No wonder she chose this area. It’s the perfect place for her.

I wondered around for awhile about to give up on my search. Maybe she’s out of town or something? Or maybe f/n gave me the wrong area? I was about to give up my search when I saw her. She looked so beautiful. Even more beautiful than I remember her. She had this huge smile plastered on her face and her cheeks were dusted pink. She looked genuinely happy and my heart filled with joy seeing her so.

Not even a split second later I saw the reason for that happiness. It was my old friend Nanami Kento. He was holding her hand. Even he was smiling too, which was an extremely rare occurrence. I felt cold seeing them together. I’m not a fool, I know when I see a happy couple. She’s moved on now and I was too late to stop her. I guess I deserve this though. I was the one to break her heart. I’m just glad she’s in good hands now. Nanami is an honorable man who will take good care of her. At least I know that’s she’s gonna be okay…

Thank you so much for reading. This is the last part of “Be Okay” I have a lot more stories in stock. Stay tuned. ��️ This story has an alternate ending on Wattpad that I am currently writing if anyone is interested.

Please feel free to request, comment, and reblog

Click here to see what I’ll write for and click HERE for my master list.

•I do NOT own any characters except y/n•

Art not mine

L.W.L

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3



[chrysanthemumpink]

You don't deserve this tag. But I found someone else & for some reason that makes me think of you. And all of the things that you represent. Things you don't deserve to represent.

We'll probably be intimate soon. And for some reason, that feels official. It feels like more than my body, if that makes sense?

I didn't love you. I loved the life I saw with you. I wanted to be an artist & a critic & an academic & so many things that seem so childish in retrospect. I thought we could be quirky professors and writers living off the produce of a quirky cottage. Before I met you, a life like that seemed so real.

Now it feels like the fantasy it always was. He's a financial advisor, he wants to be VP of something, doesn't matter what. He's counter culture in the way that dating a black person turns him on. Like you were. But not enough to do anything about it. Unlike you. That's all he'll ever do to counter any culture.

But, like you, he represents so much more. He's not special. But my choices around him reveal so much about me. Being with him means I've officially given up on my dreams. Yea, the pay is nice. Paying bills and having more than enough for any service I want is also very nice.

I give men foo much credit when really it's about me. My first job in tech & finance offered 102k. I choose that over grad school. And the kind of people I meet here?

I met him here. He's the brother of one of my coworkers. They're both directors whose fathers & uncles were presidents, VPs, etc of other financial firms. They both want to be VPs but not in the way that you & I used to study to be professors. They want it in the way that they do stupid things like shell for dinners & cruises with the right people

In a way that makes him special. If he wanted a 6 figure salary, he would just be given one. But if he wants 6 figures and have the power of a corporate ladder behind him, he has to put in effort. And he does. Effort is something you never put in anything.

Men like him, surprisingly, aren't that hard to find if you aren't picky. He's 40. And like? What am I doing with my life?

Having sex with a 40 year old seems so adult. Is that what I'll be doing? Trading my life as an advocate and academic for a capitalistic one. Either way, it's still a straight white man, isn't it.

Sorry. The truth is that I have to get it out while I can. If I'm gonna stay corporate, then opportunities to talk like that won't come as often. Do you see how much I've been forced to move on?

I've met his family. As you know, I can sense things about people. Or at the very least, make wild fantasies that turn out to be uncomfortably close to the truth. His parents are desperate for him to find anyone. He's 40 for crying aloud. But this is where growing up Pentecostal comes in handy. This happens with a lot of white people. It happened with your family too. If it's going to be someone black, might as well be one whose knows enough about the bible to not cause too much trouble

What am I talking about? I'm going to fuck him. And yea, I have a lot of feelings about doing that. I honestly wish I'd done it sooner. Doing after meeting the family makes it seem like it's getting serious. I can't afford to let myself believe that

But back to me...I hate how much I tie men to life stages. This new relationship feels like a lot. It will mean I've accepted the world I've always considered an antagonist to mind. It means I work in tech and finance. It'll mean I'm a business woman who goes on business trips.

But...is it all bad? I mean? It is a lot of money. I went from an 18k grad stipend to 102k. Between you & me? I still have to whisper it. Like I've committed a sin. And I hear stories from other women. Women in tech are very friendly. My MANAGER of all people confided in me. She said that she regularly cries from the way that SAHM treat her.

That 90% of mothers groups are SAHMs who make her feel inferior because of her choices. They suggest that her career means she doesn't lover her child. Her son means the world to her.

And yet, my manager spent the morning of her son's birthday talking about training initiatives 300 miles away on a business trip. I know because I was with her.

She says, all the women say, that women like us make hard decisions. We do what we have to do. When they say "we," it makes me feel like I belong. And the scary part is, I do belong

I am a girl boss, girl bossing, who has the potential to be the ultimate girl boss. Lol, not really. But I'm smart, 28, and have found myself with no husband or children. I think they're protective of me. Like they know I'm in an unfamiliar world.

Now that I'm with him, it's permanent. Or will be. I'll be taking my securities exam soon. I want to be central to this district learning technologies. That's the life I'll have once I've officially left this one behind. I've already left it behind

Grad school broke my heart. You broke my heart. Now I don't even recognize myself. And I actually like it

[naramdil]

Hafsa i have followed you for years and have always appreciated your beautiful advice and thought processes which led me to reach out to you since idk who else i can talk to. I basically had a good cry today because i’m 27 and still very lost career wise. Idk what i’m meant to do or be and i feel so behind in life while my friends have careers they enjoy. I just feel like i’m stuck doing things i hate for money. I dont even know if i’m meant to be anything career wise and it scares me so much. I’m currently trying to do this web development course because i know i can land an excellent job after i complete it but i dont look forward to studying it. I know i’m doing it to get a good job so i can do the things i want to do like travel, cook and my other passions. I dont think i have a passion in any career. But i also dont want to hate what i do 8 hrs a day. Idk if i will hate web development but it’s not the most exciting thing to learn. At this point, i dont have time to explore my passions and discover myself. That time has gone. I just dont know what to do now. I know this is a lot and by all means if this is something you wish not to address then i totally understand. I wish you the best 🤍

hey, I am sending you a big hug and I hope your big cry was a good release for you 💗

I'm really proud of you for finding a way to fund your passions, it's a long game for sure but I think it's a very smart choice bc being in a financially good place - putting yourself there - can end up being very rewarding, even if right now it seems like you're gonna hate it. bc in the long run, you'll have the stability to be able to then focus on your passions outside of your work, and compartmentalizing your life like that is honestly a blessing and healthy. i honestly think the idea of doing a job that you're passionate about is false marketing bc majority of people cannot and will not have that. and that's okay!! it's unfortunately the system we live in. so I feel like you shouldn't feel bad if your career isn't what you're passionate about - with a very important caveat and that is: it shouldn't be soul sucking either. so if you hate web development, and it is becoming a soul sucking thing maybe you need to find something else? (again, maybe once you actually start working in this field you may end up liking it, so no harm in giving it a shot if you haven't had a job job yet)

another thing is ik there is this mentality that if you've spent so much time on something you hate you might as well see it through and push aside what you actually want, but I don’t agree. you should not continue doing it if the only reason you’re doing it bc of the time you’ve already expended on it. that’s like staying in a relationship that you’re no longer invested it. sometimes it’s time to break up and that’s okay! like i've heard of people quitting medical school bc they realized they did all this work and it wasn't worth it for them. and even me - i started pre med, got a business degree and now am in fashion school.. so like i literally knew ten years ago this is what i wanted and it took me that long to get here but like .. here i am... truckin along lol.

so idk, I guess it's time to think about what you want and seeing how you can get there. and forgetting about society and the idea of time and what you "should have" accomplished by now etc. bc those are the things that contribute to the feeling of stuckness, and you don't deserve that at all. you're not stuck, you have agency over your life and you don't have to do anything perfectly, just what is best for you. so just give yourself grace, treat yourself like you would treat your best friend or a young cousin, you know? like you'd tell them they're wonderful and that their life will be okay bc they'll make it okay, and you need to tell yourself that too. it will be okay, it's literally never ever too late, (let me be an example of that, also there are people at my school in their 40s so honestly it is really and truly never too late to do anything!) and just give yourself some love and time and you will figure it out little by little. you've got this babe 🥰

[lubdubsworld]

Better Man .

~~~~~~~~~~I wish I could forget, when it was magic~~~~~~~~~~~~

Taehyung x Oc 

Rated 18 +

Post Divorce, Getting Back Together, Second chances, Angst.

 Chapter 1    Chapter 2   Chapter 3 

Chapter 4

How do you know you’re ready for kids? 

Is it after you’re financially stable enough? After you’ve partied enough? Got all the wildness inside you tamed? After you’ve grown sick of the freedom that comes with youth and what it implies ?  after you’ve grown tired of empty conversations that lead nowhere? sharing ubers with people you barely like because you’re too drunk to drive? When you just crave the comfort of people you truly love instead of strangers who grind up on you ? Or perhaps   when you start preferring silence in the evenings to the thrumming bass in some dingy nightclub? 

None of these really. 

The truth is you’re never ready. 

Hoshi had been planned. Taehyung and I had done our homework, studied everything from my ovulation cycle to the entire catalogue of some expensive breast pump , new in the market . Everything had been researched and planned and perfected : the wood the crib would be made of, the color he wallpaper in the nursery would be and the kind of diapers and wipes we would use. 

But it still threw us for a loop....how unpredictable he was.

How unpredictable the pregnancy was. 

What I wanted : Home birth. Mid wife . Taehyung by my side holding my hand.

What i got : Preeclampsia, a baby born six weeks early, Taehyung frantic on the phone in the middle of the night as he took his private jet from Japan where he was shooting a commercial. The pain of being induced into a labor that lasted for 16 hours only for my body to give up half way through. 

A c section that left a scar and numbness that hadn’t faded even now , after four whole years. three weeks in the NICU....tears and terror after learning that the  baby in the incubator right next to Hoshi’s didn’t make it. Aching to hold my son but being forced to stare at him through the glass, wires and tubes wrapped around his tiny torso. 

And through it all, Taehyung. 

Stronger than I had ever seen him. Calm and collected as he watched me pump milk for our baby, barely managing a few measly drops of it after thirty minutes of trying . His arms around me, holding me up as I tried to fight the sheer agony that came from my stitches, tried to stay conscious for the baby. Watching him carefully pour the milk into a sterile bottle to take down to the NICU . 

Falling in love with him, over and over and over again throughout the day as he did  everything for me. 

Hoshi was loved and cherished , not just because he was an expression of our love for each other. 

But a reminder of Taehyung’s love for  me. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“ He’s growing out of all his clothes. I’m going to take him shopping tomorrow.”  Taehyung commented, watching Hoshi get on his tippy toes to point out the pastry he wanted from the display case, while a star struck cashier stared at Taehyung . 

Taehyung’s body guards were right near the table and while a crowd of people stood outside, none of them came too close. I was used to the attention that came with Taehyung and his celebrity status. 

“That’s a good idea. I have a couple of meetings tomorrow regarding the Christmas campaign and I may not be able to make it on the weekedn either. Is it okay if I pick him on monday evening?” I asked, cutting into the blueberry scon on my plate.

“How about I drop him off at your office. Save you the trip.” 

I hesitated, before nodding. 

“I spoke to the lawyer....she told me the papers should be processed by the end of next month. My company will make a formal announcement from both of us and we’ll say we don’t intend to answer any other media questions.”

I stared at him, watching his face carefully for something different. A sign that would explain what had changed between us because something had. I was sure of it. 

“ Why now, Taehyung?” I asked softly. 

He held my gaze for a second, eyes warm and honest. Taehyung could hide his emotions well, but his eyes always told the truth. 

“Because I’ve strung you along long enough. You deserve to be free.” He said finally.

I swallowed, looking down. 

“I ....you didn’t string me along.” I shook my head.

“I think you deserve to be loved right, without the shadow of my failures hanging over you. I don’t want you to spend the rest of your life in a limbo because of one wrong choice.”

Wrong choice. 

Whose ?

His? When he chose to drink That night?

Or mine? When I chose to walk out?

Or the both of us? For handling the fallout so badly? 

I had so many questions but I didn’t say anything. 

They were question that had no answers. 

“So we move on.” I stared at him intently.

“I will always love you. I will always be there for you.” He smiled, eyes glinting a little. 

i watched him, the familiar body. He had been my first. My best. Taehyung’s body was as familiar to me as my own and I wanted to hug him, hold him close and press kisses to his lips again. It wasn’t emotional or even sexual it was just...this urge to let him know that he was loved too. that he was adored. That he would always be loved.

“But, “ he went on, “  yes. Its been two years.... so.... we should move on. Meet other people. ” 

“Fall in love again ?” I didn’t mean to sound bitter but my tone certainly was. He gave me a very tired smile and I felt guilt bubble up inside me. 

“I’m not going to be that greedy, Mia.  I will settle for just feeling a little less alone.” He looked away and my throat closed up. 

He stood up, moving to the counter to pay for the treats that Hoshi had chosen. 

And that was it. 

I watched the small tendrils of warmth, rising up from my coffee, gossamer strips of smoke mingling in the cold air and melting into nothingness. 

Here one second gone the next.

Just like my marriage. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a little past seven when I reached my apartment, my phone ringing just as I dropped my coat and unwrapped the scarf from around my neck. I moved quickly to the bedroom, pulling my phone out of my handbag. 

I picked the call, switching it to speaker before tossing my phone on the bed. 

“Hello?”

“Jang Mi...its Jungkook. You ready?”

I swore, stripping out of my clothes quickly, fumbling with my bra and yanking my panties down.

“I’m just about to shower.  Five me ten minutes!” 

He didn’t reply and I frowned.

“Jungkook??” i called opening the closet to grab a hairband and shower cap. 

“When you say you’re just about to shower...are you actually in the shower?” His voice  sounded a little deeper than usual. Weird. 

“What?” I was completely confused.

“Like are you naked in-”

Oh Christ. 

I rolled my eyes, hanging up quickly. Sleeping with Jungkook, while extremely pleasurable had definitely been a little too much too soon. It made him take too many liberties, ones I wasn’t particularly comfortable giving him yet. 

But I liked him. 

He was, at the end of the day a nice guy. 

A nice guy who had an actual interest in me. Those were rare to come by. 

It was another fifteen minutes before I was ready, choosing a plain black jumpsuit in a flowy georgette material. It had nice flowy sleeves and i added gold jewelry at my wrists and earrings, just for a little bling. I stared at the dress at all angles. It definitely hugged my curves right but was also impossibly hard to take off. 

So even if I got swayed by his good looks and made bad choices ,  by the time Jungkook undressed me , i would be able to come to my senses and stop myself from having sex with him again. 

Groaning at myself, I grabbed the small black jeweled clutch from inside my dresser, slipping my phone in.

I steered clear of make up, choosing just a deep red lipstick. 

The knock on the door came just as i finished slipping into black pumps . 

I opened the door , only to have a dozen red roses thrust into my hands. 

“Wow.” I whispered, glancing at him. He looked extra handsome, a blood red shirt clinging to his torso, a think black tie knotted at his neck. He gave me a devilish wink, eyes flitting all over me , licking his lips. 

i tamped down the urge to back away, reminding myself that I was supposed to be moving on. Even if it wasn’t with Jungkook, he had asked me out on a date and I had agreed. I would enjoy myself tonight. 

“Gorgeous. Ready?”

“Let me just put these in water...” I smiled at him, placing the stems into the cut glass decanter on the nearest table. I emptied the small bottle of water nearby into it , bending over to fix the petals when I felt him press right up against me. 

Startling, i nearly spilled the water all over the floor, breath catching when his chest met my back . I felt myself trembling a bit because of how warm he felt, even with the inches between us and I could smell him, the subtle cologne that handsome men wear , just to drive women crazy. 

The urge to lean into his body was so strong I had to clench my fists. Apparently,  my body was  very much on board with moving on even if my heart wasn’t. Jungkook made things worse by moaning into my ear, chin resting on my shoulder as he lightly gripped my waist, before reaching over with other hand, plucking one scarlet bloom from the bunch  

I swallowed as he wrapped both arms around me in a backhug , holding the bloom up in front of my face. 

“Do you like the scent of it?” His lips brushed my ear and I grinned. I hadn’t been flirted with , like this in years. I bent my head to lightly breath in the air near the bloom, enjoying the subtle scent. “It’s lovely.” I said honestly. 

He  casually broke the stem off, a couple of inches from the where the petals began. 

“Turn around for me “ Jungkook whispered in my ear again. I turned around quickly, my lips inches from his, refusing to back away, staring right at him. He smirked, bringing the flower up to the small upknot on the side of my head. 

I stayed still as he carefully pulled a single bobby pin out, sticking the stem into my hair before casually using his teeth to pry open the pin again and slotting it into my hair, pinning the flower in place. 

Apparently, watching Jungkook pin a rose into my hair was winning brownie points for him in my brain, because my entire body went warm , my heart beating faster. 

“I’m scared to ask why you’re so good at this...” I smiled and he raised an eyebrow.

“I have a daughter remember? Its a lot of ribbons and bows and pins.” He grinned. 

The idea that Jungkook did his daughter’s hair for her, with ribbons and flowers was so ridiculously endearing I wanted to coo. 

“There. Now we match.... A little.” he smiled. 

I stared at him, the black tie on his red shirt and the red rose against my black dress. 

“Smart. “ I nodded. 

“Shall we leave?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I had fun tonight.” Jungkook hesitated . 

The night had been so much more fun than I’d anticipated. Jungkook somehow convincing me to party crash someone’s engagement party near the pool with an open bar and ridiculous ninety’s party music. But I’d danced to my heart’s content, my hair coming undone half way through and I was only a little upset that I’d lost the red rose in the middle of people.

“I had a lot of fun too Jungkook’ah..” I smiled, honest . 

“We should do this again. Since we never got to actually talk. It was just you getting progressively drunk and dancing like you wanted to pee.” He teased and I pouted. 

I reached out and pressed a palm to his face...his skin smooth under my skin and I felt myself swaying just a little, lethargic and a little aroused from the scent of him.

“Wanna get another drink?” And then because I was completely gone and had no filter, “ If you come inside....maybe I’ll let you cum inside. if you know what I mean.....” I drawled, waggling my eyebrows. 

Jungkook’s face morphed into one of absolute shock, lips parted and then he laughed so hard he choked, coughing. 

“Wow. You  are  drunk.” He shook his head, looking amused. “ How about this.... I’ll come in and tuck you into bed and if you drink a couple of glasses of water for me, I will not tease you about this tomorrow.” He offered. 

I pouted. 

“You don’t wanna come inside...?”

“Oh baby , you have no idea how bad I wanna come inside.....but not like this” He brushed the hair off my brow, kissing my forehead...” Ask me again when you’re sober and we’ll work something out. Now let’s get you into bed.” 

I groaned as he dragged me into the bedroom. 

The moment my head hit the pillow, I fell asleep. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!~

Author’s note : Not me falling in love with the second lead in my own story ugh.  He’s gonna get a separate story. I’m gonna write a whole entire fic for CFO! Jungkook , adorable single dad of cute little girl. 

I don’t have a tag list for this fic so please do let me know if you want to be tagged !!! 

[steepgan]

someone dear (iii) - d. ragnvindr x f!reader

PART I - PART II - PART III

FINAL PART!!!! also i hate this part the most because i definitely rushed it and i could feel myself losing steam for writing so i wanted to finish it asap LMFAO ALSO DILUC IS HELLA OOC IM SO SORRY I STARTED PLAYING GENSHIN LIKE SIX DAYS AGO IM RELLY REALLY SORRY LAFAHFOA#@*$@)*$

Today was payday.

“You look…” Charles made a face. “Vibrant.”

“I get paid!” you squealed.

“Oh, boy,” Charles said. “You know there’s more to life than money, [Name]. There’s knowledge. You could always learn more. There’s love. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you with a significant other, honestly. There’s—”

You waved a dismissive hand. “I know all that already! I’m satisfied, Charles. It’s just not so bad to be financially secure while I’m at it. Money is the best thing ever!”

“Money is the root of all evil.”

“The root of all evil is buried deep within that chest of yours,” you accused. You picked up a clean rag and soaked it in a water basin. “You never let me have any fun on payday. Anyway, today there’s a new book being released, and I’ve been waiting for the sequel since forever.”

Charles nodded. “I think I know which book you’re talking about. Give it time and your librarian friend will have it in the library in no time.”

“That very librarian friend is coming today to hand-deliver the book to me.”

“Of course. Never once would you abandon your shift for books. Though, I think I’ve once seen you leave midway through the day because you saw a cat on the balcony while standing outside.”

“It was a cute cat,” you defended. 

“You shouldn’t make friends with cats. They’re very picky and particular with whom they associate with.”

“Ah,” you said absentmindedly, “like Master Diluc.”

“[Name], that’s your boss.”

You deserved the reprimand. “Sorry. It’s not anything bad. I actually took your advice the other day and chatted with him a bit. He’s not as… cold as I thought, but he’s certainly as chilly as Snezhnaya at times.”

Diluc had been somewhat stubborn when you insisted on helping him. You didn’t understand. It was only natural to be there for other people; however, Diluc believed differently. He was right in some ways. Too much dependency would lead one to no good, but that was not your concern.

“Before comparing your employer to one of the coldest nations in Teyvat,” Charles said, “I nominate you to call for Patton a bit today. He’s coming in late ‘cause he’s wrapped up with something today.”

“Do you think me standing out there would do the tavern some good?”

“Try wearing a costume. Draws attention.”

“Right on. Let me see if there’s any maid uniforms in the back.”

As much as you worshipped your own looks on a daily basis, standing outside where Patton typically was took a toll on your body. But your mental health persevered. After all, you were getting paid today. Nothing could deter your smile.

You stood outside, calling out passing people with hopes of luring them in with Dandelion Wine. Diona, who worked at Cat’s Tail, stopped by to convince you to join her tavern. She was ultimately dedicated to sabotaging the traditional and rich wine industry of Mondstadt yet was doing rather poorly at it. You declined politely, as your job was the wine industry of Mondstadt.

Nimrod, one of the usuals, entered the tavern. He dodged his wife who condemned his drinking habits. He typically hung around Angel’s Share for the addicting wine. It was not strange to see him coming in and out of alleyways.

Not even the approaching Master Diluc could taint your spirits.

The approaching Master Diluc.

You’d recognize his hair and determined face anywhere. You were accustomed to seeing it, as you saw him often. You smiled and greeted him accordingly just before he entered the tavern. “Hello, Master Diluc. Have a good day today.”

“I will,” he said. “I assume today’s a good day for you, too.”

“Of course.”

Donna was giving him puppy-dog eyes around the corner, you saw, but she gave him puppy-dog eyes every day, so what was new? Diluc, the brooding bachelor bastard of Mondstadt, was the center of many ladies’ attention.

He was the center of yours because your paycheck was in his hands. 

Days and weeks went by.

Because you knew Diluc’s secret and nighttime hobby, it wasn’t strange for you and he to grow closer. When he’d come back to the tavern, you arranged a nice meal for him to eat. Heroes needed plenty of food, you figured. 

Sometimes, you’d eat with him in agonizing silence.

He made for mediocre company, but when it was late at night and you had nothing to do, he was a fine person to talk to. He kept his distance, preferring to sit a seat away from you at the bar, idly standing when you were sitting at a table. But you never felt alone on those nights. 

Diluc came back injured sometimes, and as each night passed, he let you tend to his wounds pathetically before he went to see a doctor. You didn’t know if he was humoring your concern or if he seriously needed your help.

Even without you, he was doing just fine, but little by little, akin to a trickling stream, he began to rely on you. Another person’s trust was a heavy thing to carry, and Diluc’s trust was the weight of the entire world upon your shoulders. You feared that if you ever messed up, Diluc’s trust would be gone in a snap. 

Diluc and you shared meals, which was nothing out of the ordinary now, but there was small conversation. Diluc, to your knowledge, never really participated in idle chatter, but he talked with you about the sights he’d seen around Liyue, the hub of business in Teyvat, and you retold jokes your friends had said and rumors about a certain person that were made just to pass time. 

You could pull vicarious wonder when Diluc told you of the other nations. You’d venture there yourself, but your skills in the adventuring department were lacking.

You admitted that you were wrong about Diluc; where you had thought him cold and stoic, he was protective and brave. He treasured his work above nearly everything—to the point he overworked. In a way he was somewhat like you. A little different, though. A little stranger. A little better.

Diluc had grand aspirations and was bold personified. You, too, had something to live for, but it wasn’t as great as his. You liked the little things; you liked the dog who wagged his tail whenever you passed in hopes of you giving it a treat; you liked shopping with your friends; you liked reading new books and joking around with Lisa.

You and Master Diluc seem to complement each other, that’s all, Charles had said then.

“Charles, you’re insane,” you said, pushing Charles’ shoulder. “It’s never going to work. Patton would never agree to putting on the maid dress.”

“And if we bribe him?” Charles asked.

Diluc was standing on the other side of the bar, a brow quirked and a smile lapping at his lips. His arms were crossed, and as much as he tried to seem intimidating, he looked like a friend to you. Before, you would have seen him as judgmental and indifferent, but the Diluc before you was someone who you knew better.

“How much do you think we should give Patton? Maybe we need to sort into bigger pockets.” You peered at Diluc.

Charles said, “What—do you think Master Diluc is willing to put on such a uniform?”

You laughed, and Diluc was looking at you. He didn’t look upset at all. His face was calm, and his pretty cupid’s bow lips were drawn in an amused smile. Oh, he was gorgeous—and upon that thought intruding your headspace, you nearly stopped laughing.

Sometimes Diluc would bring you small trinkets from the winery. You once brought up you wanted an owl statue to put on your balcony to attract other owls (though you were sure that wasn’t how nature worked), and Diluc, sure enough, gave you an owl statue around the size of your torso. 

“Master Diluc,” you said. “What is this?”

“An owl statue.”

“Gee, wow! I thought it was a penguin.” You tentatively patted the top of its head. “What’s it for?”

“You,” he said. “I had it laying around the winery.”

It provoked thought in you. What sort of person had an owl statue laying around? You felt the need to give Diluc something back, but what did you have to give him? So that very night, you took him outside of Mondstadt so you could capture a Mist Flower Corolla for your friend. 

Typically, you wouldn’t take your employer out on an errand, but you were done with work, so it wasn’t Master Diluc. It was just Diluc. Diluc looked like he wanted to say no to you because he didn’t really devote his time into something so trivial, but you insisted.

“If you needed it that badly,” Diluc said, “you could have asked me. We have plenty near the winery, and I can take care of them easily.”

“It’s not that,” you said, watching an Ice Flower bloom and freeze the water around it. “It’s about the adventure. The message.”

“And what’s this message you speak of?”

“It’s the message of ‘hey, I nearly froze my ass off to get this flower for you, but I care about you enough to risk frostbite.’”

“How… kind of you, [Name].”

You and Diluc spent all night catching enough Mist Flower Corollas for your liking. You wanted a bouquet, and you had a bouquet at the end of the night, at the expense of Diluc’s time and your sleep. You carried the bundle in your hands happily.

Diluc’s fire skills came handy, and it wouldn’t be a lie if you said you brought him along just for it. You liked his personality and his friendship, of course, but his fire skills were a… plus!

On the nights where it was just you and he, Diluc sat nearer to you now. Diluc picked up Charles’ shifts more often and sat across from you whenever you were seated at tables. He sat next to you at the bar, entertaining you out of your boredom. 

It wasn’t until one day, Donna of the flower shop was gushing about Diluc, and you felt uneasy. You’d known that Donna was incredibly fond of Diluc, but it never bothered you until now. 

Of course, you brought it up to Charles, one of your closest confidants, only third to your bank account and Lisa.

“He likes you back, you know,” Charles said, playing with the tip jar. The coins clinked and clanked in there. “I can tell you that much, [Name].”

“Ewwwwww,” you moaned. “Talking to you about my problems is gross. Where’s Lisa? She’ll tell me the truth for sure. You only want me happy so I can clean the entire tavern for free again. You want me to cover your shift again?”

“Sure I do,” Charles said, “but what I’m saying is true, [Name]. He looks at you all funky.”

“Yeah, because I’m a funky gal.”

“Stop it.”

“Funky, funky, funky.”

“Please.” Charles sighed and set down the tip jar. “It’s like… you and he are weirdly connected. He looks at you a lot. He always looks at you whenever there’s a joke, just to see if you’re laughing, I guess. He must like your laugh. I think it sounds like a horse, personally.”

You chewed the inside of your cheek. You loved talking to Charles. You loved money. You loved your friends, and you loved your happiness. You loved—no, you liked Diluc. You didn’t know what to do when it came to him. Maybe if you kept away, your affections would find someone else to torment.

Like, for example, that newly hired boy next door that nearly killed his shop’s plants. He was a clumsy sort of cute. 

But Diluc was not clumsy. He was meticulous and always got the job done. He took care of himself well, and on days he overworked, you made sure he took some time to rest. 

You shook your head. You should stop thinking about Diluc for now and focus.

Yet it was always you and Diluc, and Diluc began to invade your thoughts. You brought up weaving flowers into his long hair, and Diluc always turned you down, saying that there wasn’t enough time for that. 

You wished to brush Diluc’s bangs back and lightly kiss his forehead, if he was okay with that. Instead, you said to Diluc, you have a big forehead. No wonder you’re so smart.

Can we go back to the part where you said I had a big forehead? he’d retorted.

It wasn’t until nearly a month later did Diluc come to his shift with Mist Flower Corollas in hand and shyly handed them to you. There was a red hue on his cheeks, and his voice was small, afraid of rejection. His hair was tied back in a neater fashion, and his eyes were cast downward.

Become someone dear to me, he had said.

He wore fine clothes and a nervous expression. It was so out of character for Diluc. You felt as if you were watching a high school boy struggle to express his feelings. However, had Diluc walked into the tavern with a more open chest and chin up, he wouldn’t have been Diluc at all. 

You liked Diluc as he was—somewhat closed off but kind enough. Mondstadt’s hero. A knight who donned glimmering red hair and a steel exterior. You wondered if Diluc had to prep himself before coming to you. 

“Sorry,” he said although there was nothing to be sorry for, really. “I mean, if you don’t like the flowers—”

Hey, I nearly froze my ass off to get this flower for you, but I care about you enough to risk frostbite.

You took the flowers. “Oh, no, I love it. I really, really do, Master Diluc!”

“Just Diluc.”

“Diluc,” you corrected. “Do I get financial compensation if I become someone dear to you?”

“For starters, I could give you a Mist Flower Corolla every day,” Diluc said, “if that’s enough to satiate you.”

“And then?”

“In the evenings, I’d take you to Cider Lake to watch the starry night while you read those magazines of yours. We don’t need to talk. Just bask in each other’s company, really.”

You tried to fight the smile that was growing on your face. You set down the flowers on the bar counter before saying, “that’s it?”

“I’d let you weave flowers into my hair. I’d take you all over Teyvat, if that’s what you wished as well. I’d take care of you as much as you had taken care of me whenever I’m injured. I’d learn your jokes and get along well with your friends because they seem pleasant.”

You didn’t know Diluc was such a romantic. You dusted Diluc’s shoulder. “I would hold your hand.”

Diluc frowned. “This doesn’t feel very equal to me.”

“You want more?” you quipped. “I’d kiss your forehead. And then I’d read to you. That is, if you like fairy tales… Oh! And then I’d take you up to the mountains where we could see the constellations the best! I love constellations; they’re so pretty.”

“Truthfully,” Diluc admitted, “you don’t have to do anything. I think… I think I’d be satisfied if I just had your company.”

“Would you now? And what about Donna from the flower shop?”

“What about her?”

“Oh, nothing.” You pretended to think about Diluc’s proposal. “I have to say, I think I’m enchanted by your offer, Diluc. I’m going to have to say yes. I will become someone dear to you.”

PART I - PART II - PART III

[djemsostylist]

Every once in a while a show sort of creeps up on you, you know? You don't really expect much of it, and then it sort of quietly wows you. Ada Masalı is that show.

At its surface, AM is about a city girl who falls for a small town boy, and all the clichés that entails, and that is the core of the story. I think that's part of why it's so good--bc this story had a premise and it's kept that premise solid. City girl moves to small town and falls in love with a local and everyone learns lessons along the way.

But AM takes the tropes and clichés and does them well. I've written before about how they take the basics and give them just enough "oomph" to make them special. I'll quote myself here, if I may:

Haziran and Poyraz both seem to fit into pretty typical roles: gruff, silent man and bubbly, talkative woman. But they’ve given each character enough nuance to move them out of the typical mold. Yes, Haziran is bubbly and talkative and a little overly loud, but she has a reason for it–silence in her childhood meant anger and fighting with her mother, and she learned how to fill the silence with talking. She is also very competent at her job, genuinely kind, smart, and driven. Poyraz is the “strong, silent” type, but he manages to subvert the “asshole” which far too often comes with the role. Like Haziran, he has some difficulties in his past, but he also seems well adjusted, smart, genuinely kind, focused, and again, competent. He and Haziran are true equals in this show, which is rare in romcom couples, particularly Turkish ones. They both are in similar financial situations, they both seem to have similar philosophies and outlooks, and, perhaps most importantly, they are both head over heels for each other and they both know it, even if they are unable to say it out loud just yet.

At the time when I wrote the above piece, I believe we were just before episode 6 or 7, so the secret hadn't been revealed yet, and at the time I speculated that it was likely to drop before their relationship started, and I was correct. This show continues to take the obvious and turn it on its head.

Poyraz and Haziran are one of the few dizi couples, and certainly the only romcom couple, I've seen where they have entered into a relationship that isn't built on a fragile house of cards held together by mutual attraction. This couple is completely and totally all in, and it makes sense. They've had conversation upon conversation about their parents, their past, their fears, their insecurities, their concerns. They've seen each other vulnerable and hurting and scared and been there for each other at their lowest. They have complete and total trust in each other, in their love for each other, in their relationship.

There is attraction yes, certainly, god is there ever, but there is also a deep affection. They like each other, which may seem a silly thing to fixate on, but so many times with couples I ask myself "okay, but do they even like each other though?" and in this case, they genuinely do. Poyraz loves her rambling and her overreactions and the way she hops from one idea to the other but somehow always manages to make it work. He loves that she works hard and never pawns off the hard jobs and he loves how genuinely kind and caring she is. He memorizes everything because he liked her before he loved her, and that's huge. And same for her. She loves his kindness and his empathy, his ability to fix broken electronics and his stubbornness when it comes to getting his way. She loves his honesty and his pride and the way he can't ever really say no to her. I think she also really loves that he doesn't let his past affect who he is. There's a connection between them that started with a spark but grew into something actually real.

The best bit, though, is that this is the first romcom couple I've seen (there may be more) that enter the relationship on completely equal terms, no secrets, and no uncertainties. All their secrets from each other were cleared up long before they ever said I love you. They are both in a similar place life wise--financially they are both probably around equal in terms of overall assets, they both have equal romantic histories (probably a series of short term relationships but nothing big or long lasting), they both value hard work and honesty and kindness, they are both mature adults who have been "out" of their parents house so to speak (yes, both still live with their respective parents, but neither play the typical "kid" role--they both are honestly more in the caretaker role), they are both college educated with business acumen. They both have had difficulties in their past, but neither allow those issues to hurt others--they both possess enough self-awareness to know how their issues effect them personally and they both work to ensure their issues don't become someone else's burden. Poyraz helping her with her fear of water or Haziran talking him through his mother are not them burdening each other, or using their issues as a reason to avoid a relationship--on the contrary, they build their bond by supporting each other through their pain. And, and this one is perhaps most important, they both love each other equally, and they both knew it before it was ever said outloud. That Poyraz could say "I love you" and Haziran could say it right back, no hesitation, speaks volumes to where they are both individually and as a couple.

Perhaps what's been the most refreshing is them communicating, constantly. When these two fight, they share their issues, their anger, their irritation, and then they work through it. The way they talk through their issues, every time, is honestly stunning for how completely refreshing it is. When they get mad at each other, they don't act like everything is fine while actively treating the other like crap--they explain the reasons behind their anger/irritation, they listen, they talk. The scene this episode of their banter after their fight on the first date was incredibly refreshing--bc it wasn't actually fighting. Haz was upset bc Poyraz ruined their first date--which he acknowledges, apologizes for, and then makes up to her, and she accepts. Their playful flirting in the kitchen the next day is just that--fun and playful and both of them are in on it. It's not Haz treating him like shit under the guise of "comedy", it's not him purposely being an obnoxious pain in the ass. It's them being cute and flirty and light after their fight the night before, which they already solved with a text conversation.

What I love most about their relationship is that I buy it. Completely. These are two people who aren't going to run when things get tough, who aren't going to play coy about their feelings, who aren't going to fight just to fight. We've seen them be honest and straightforward in their feelings, good, bad or otherwise. We've seen them fight for each other and their relationship. We've seen them encounter problems (whether in their relationship or in life) and work through them, together. And perhaps the greatest part of their relationship is that they allow each other to be exactly who they are. They are both allowed to feel the things they feel, and the other lets them. They are given a safe space to be themselves, and to know that they will always have the support and love of the other person, no matter what.

I said I thought this show was about love, at it's core, and all the ways love manifests, and I still think that's true. But I think this show is also about happiness--and about the idea that we can't always know exactly what is going to make us happy. True happiness can't always be predicted--what you think might make you happy isn't always what actually does, and sometimes that's a hard thing to accept. All of the characters on this show have a view of the world and what will bring them joy, and one by one I think we are seeing that change. Sometimes what makes you happy is the thing you didn't expect.

This show is hardly perfect. It's a dizi, and it has it's flaws. And without knowing how long it's set to run, the chances of it losing focus is not an impossibility. But this show continues to delight and surprise--from introducing new characters like Batu who are far more than they appear, to continuing to keep us guessing with old ones, I think AM has the chance to be a romcom people remember as being special. I'm hoping right now for between 20-25 episodes, which would allow us to explore their island and it's story in the detail I think it deserves, without leaving too much room for nonsense to creep in.

I think I'll leave this here for now--sometimes a show is more than it seems, and sometimes a show is exactly what it seems. AM is both and neither, and I'd be willing to argue that it's the summer's best. The focus in the diziworld seems to be entirely on the summer's other two romcoms, but AM stays quietly getting better by the week. I look forward to what these writers have in store for us in the weeks to come!

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw: neglect,abuse, idk, my mother's makes me far too upset.

Just in need of some validation, I guess. My mother, an able-bodied individual, barely does anything for herself except work and when I was younger she let me get abused, (physically, sexually and emotionally) by several people and even abused me herself and since my father died she's been playing the caring parent card and idk, I just don't trust her at all and she constantly wakes me up, messing with my ability to get proper sleep even more simply because she doesn't want to get up or do anything for herself because she said and I quote, "what do I have you for" idk, I wish she would straight up tell me she hates me or doesnt care and stop being so confusing and lazy and stop only caring about me when it comes on to my stupid grades. I can't say I hate her simply because she's nice sometimes and people say you cant hate your mother and idk if she just has bad episodes or not but I feel like I might simply be trauma bonded with her because I know if I tell someone about the years of abuse so I can get help, there's always the question of why I never told anyone sooner and knowing I told my mother and she didnt listen is gonna get her in trouble and idk, I don't want that, I just need help and to be away from her. She provides financially but that's about it. Paying for my education and food but I have to do the actual shopping myself and I havent gotten new clothes in years or been to a doctor either. I wish she was interested in caring for a child, otherwise, why have one ffs? I feel bad for thinking about her like this but I have feelings too and she doesnt do anything but make them worse.

Your feelings and thoughts are valid. You are not bad for thinking about her that way. Your frustration, resentment, and distress about how she's treated you is valid. As a parent, she has a responsibility to you, and she's not living up to that. Financially providing for basic needs is only one of the requirements, and does not mean she's off the hook for actually being a decent parent.

I can't say I hate her simply because she's nice sometimes and people say you cant hate your mother and idk if she just has bad episodes

Being "nice sometimes" does not make up for being shitty the rest of the time. That said, many people feel they still love or miss their abuser because they had good memories with the person even if it was mostly bad or if the bad did not outweigh the good. If you're struggling with those feelings, it's valid and normal to feel conflicted, and it doesn't lessen what she did. But if you do hate her because of how she treated you (and how she continues to treat you), that is also valid and normal. Being nice doesn't make the other things okay. Neither does having bad episodes. Bad episodes may explain why she's treated you so badly, but that doesn't justify any of her actions, and you have every right to hate her. And honestly, hate is a feeling - you have every right to hate people for absolutely no reason at all even if they have done nothing to you. Your feelings are always valid.

And you can absolutely hate your mother. Lots of people who have shitty moms hate their mothers or just don't love them. That's okay and valid. In a world that likes to put maternal love on a pedestal and act like moms always have the best interest of their children at heart, and are always self-sacrificing for their children, it can be incredibly difficult and painful to be a child whose mother experience doesn't fit that narrative. It's okay to feel however you feel about your mom, and other people loving their moms and having positive experiences with their moms doesn't give them the right to invalidate your experiences and feelings.

I hope you get help and are able to get away from her. You deserve new clothes and to be taken to a doctor. You deserve emotional support, care, and affection. You deserve to have grown up in a safe environment without having to act like the parent or be expected to do all sorts of stuff for her because she's too lazy to do it herself. I'm sorry your mom sucked. I'm sorry she didn't seem interested in motherhood. You deserved better.

- Mod Allison

[secondpubertyscene]

8.14.21

This year has been one of major change. In Octavia Butler’s Parable of the Sower, there’s this quote, “God is Change. Beware: God exists to shape and be shaped,” and I think for the first time since reading it, I get what was being said. While I subscribe to the idea that there is a higher power of some kind, I also believe that we (as in, us as individuals) have great power as well. That power lies in our ability to change, to grow, to persevere. This year has been one of major change, and we really have to talk about it.

It is easy to look at this last year and think, “Well, that fucking sucked” because frankly, it did indeed fucking suck. I could write you a list of things that brought me great pain this year, unbelievable, undeniable, unrelenting pain that still lingers now. But, see, the beauty of it all is that none of that pain happens in a vacuum. Along with the pain, I’ve come through it all with more wisdom, more compassion, more empathy, more gratitude, more peace, more love, and more confidence. I’d like to share how those things all are connected, but first I would like to acknowledge something.

While I don’t know for sure if this is just an American thing, it does seem very clear that Americans aren’t fantastic at processing grief, death, and pain collectively. We often are encouraged to suck it up, to shut up about it, to not make others uncomfortable with our tears and trauma. I believe this is in large part due to the fact that American Exceptionalism doesn’t quite allow us to acknowledge when our systems have failed us or when we are suffering in the “greatest country in the world.” I don’t intend on participating in that toxic positivity or to dismiss the seriousness of the year past. I simply intend on acknowledging the nuances of my experiences, the complexity of it all. Now, let’s begin.

Without recounting every moment in large detail (in part because that would be far too much and also because I don’t need to relieve my traumas today), the events of the last year have been as follows: 1) COVID hit, 2) I had a severe emotional breakdown that resulted in a short stay at the hospital, 3) my grandma passed away, 4) I broke up with my partner of a year, 5) I was officially diagnosed with adult ADHD (inattentive), 6) I got into a PhD program for sociology (fully-funded), and 7) I moved to Ohio (two weeks ago now). So much happened in what feels like a blink of an eye. When you’re a kid, you think a year lasts forever. Now, a year feels like a couple months!

Anyhow, all of these things had super intense negative impacts on my life and most of them had super intense positive impacts on my life. Let’s talk about how. I won’t say that COVID had any “positive” impact on my life, because it’s still currently making things difficult and it is still destroying lives (full worlds) every day. The emotional breakdown that I experienced shortly after COVID began, however, was the impetus for some of the greatest change I would ever make in my life. It began with new therapy, medication for the first time ever to treat my mental illnesses, and a new relationship with boundaries.

Out of this breakdown, I came to realize a few things. 1) I wasn’t really feeling most of my life up until that point. That isn’t to say that I didn’t feel at all or that I wasn’t aware of my feelings all the time, but to say that most of the time, I numbed everything out that was too hard to bear. I didn’t cry, I didn’t write, I didn’t even take the time to try to identify exactly what emotions I did feel. I just lived through it and waited until I felt better. Or, I would breakdown with rage and then feel better. Therapy, especially the group therapy I participated in for a couple weeks after leaving the hospital, changed that in huge ways for me.

Because I was able to sit in my pain, in my discomfort, I was able to actually work through some of my issues. I began to identify the areas in my life that made me genuinely unhappy and began to grant myself permission to feel disappointment. I granted myself the permission to expect more, to want more. I granted myself the permission to set boundaries without guilt or shame. I granted myself freedom. It is an ongoing journey of mistakes and back-peddling and trying again, but it is mine and I am proud of it. Had I not had that breakdown, I don’t know that I would be where I am now.

My grandma dying is one of the most painful things I’ve experienced and honestly, I haven’t dealt with it all the way yet. I didn’t get to say goodbye to her in person, I still am battling the feelings of guilt despite knowing that there likely was nothing I could have done, and my chest still feels heavy thinking about her. Even as I write this, I feel that pain. I know she is not truly gone and that she lives within me, but oh, I do miss her physical presence. The nagging, the phone calls, the hugs, the cooking, her soft hair and beautiful hands. I miss her. Because of her, though, I have been able to rehabilitate another relationship in my life. The relationship I share with my mother.

My mother is a lot of things, but for whatever reason I continually forgot that she too is a victim of hardship brought on by nothing but sheer luck. In this last year, she lost her mother, the man that she loved, multiple cousins, friends that went back to childhood, and who knows who else. She suffered a lot this year and she has suffered a lot over the course of her 61 years of life overall. For the first time, I have been able to really acknowledge her as a full being with a complex history and understand her as a person, rather than just as a parent. I’ve set new boundaries with her as a result, boundaries that have completely change the dynamic of our relationship and will continue to do so as we both learn more about each other. Gone are the days where she relies solely on me for emotional support or financial support. Gone are the days where she feels comfortable talking down to me and then expecting any kind of favors from me. She understands and respects that I am an adult, that I am independent, and that I can terminate our relationship should it get to a point where I feel unsafe again. While this might sound like a threat or even negative, it is in fact quite the contrary.

We now share the belief that I deserve better from her and that my continued relationship with her is founded upon our mutual growth. That’s a beautiful thing that arose from us being pulled together by the loss of someone we both loved more than we maybe even loved ourselves. Thankfully, though, I have come to love myself more than anyone else on this planet. This newfound self-love and respect resulted in the severing of my relationship with my partner.

I won’t pretend like my ex was this horrible person because she wasn’t. She was kind, loving, intelligent, hilarious, unique, complex, and so many other amazing things. I still love her with all of my heart and have thought about her every single day since we broke up. It is not for lack of love that our relationship came to a close. The issue was that I needed more than what she could give. I needed someone who could really sit in my shit with me without invalidating my feelings jokingly because they didn’t know what else to say. I needed someone who could make me feel safe and secure, not fearful and insecure. I needed someone who understood boundaries as openings for futures, not closed doors. I needed someone who could show up for me the way I showed up for them, even when they hurt me, even when they lied out of fear. She wasn’t able to do that. She wasn’t able to stick beside me during the worst days of my life. She wasn’t able to see me beyond our relationship. When my grandma passed and our relationship was on the rocks, she made it about us. She didn’t stop pestering me about our relationship for long enough to give me support on losing someone who meant the world to me. I couldn’t trust her after that and I also realized, I wasn’t required to.

Boundaries in that relationship weren’t healthy. I felt unseen, unprotected, and sometimes even unloved. While I am sure that she has grown even more since we have parted, the reality is that when I ended things, I knew that doing so was the most fair thing I could do for the both of us. This is because I deserve someone who sees my value inherently. I deserve someone who takes the time to understand me, to love me, to see me. Not just see me and them together, but me as an individual separate from them. More importantly, I needed to be able to ask for those things without feeling guilty or bad. As of now, I still don’t know that she sees me as me, as a singular person, and maybe she never will. That is okay. I still love her anyway. I just love me more now. As a part of that love I’ve grown for myself, I also now have sought out more help for myself. This seeking of resources led me to realizing that I was ADHD and helped me change my life.

Being diagnosed with ADHD at 21 felt absolutely ridiculous. How could I be ADHD when I can sit still most of the time and have a pretty decent amount of impulse control? The answers came from my psychiatrist, breaking down the stereotypical understanding of ADHD and allowing me to find myself within the diagnosis. Finding the right combination of medication has been difficult, but what hasn’t been hard at all is finding more resources that help me manage my symptoms. It’s because of some of these resources that I am able to sit here and write this.

A huge part of ADHD is this perfectionist mentality that makes it nearly impossible to start or complete some tasks. Every time I sat down to write in the past, I told myself that I absolutely had to write every single day, once a day, or I should just not do it. When it came to this blog especially, I had so much shame when I failed to post for a long time or had a lull, that I would either consider deleting the whole thing to start over, or just never posting again. I realize now that those were just cop outs for my brain, that I can write as little or as much as I want because it is for ME. It doesn’t have to be perfect; it doesn’t have to be anything but what I need it to be. Waiting for perfection would have me waiting forever because it’s simply not how my brain works. Accepting that is a large part of how I got into my PhD program.

I’m not going to lie. I am still trying to figure out all of the feelings I have regarding this PhD program. I am shocked that I got in, shocked that I got full-funding, shocked that I am now in Ohio, shocked that I am in my own apartment, and overall shocked that I’ve made it this far in general. While I do not believe that I am stupid or not capable of greatness, I am realizing that I’ve always seen myself pursuing something more straightforward. When I was younger, I had a pretty clear idea of what I wanted to do even as those things changed. I knew what was required of me, I knew what I would ultimately do, and I took refuge in that. Doctors go to medical school. Chefs go to culinary school. Forensic anthropologists get masters degrees and do field work. It felt clear cut, straightforward, safe. This is uncharted territory. What do you do post PhD? What do you do DURING PhD years? I suppose I’ll just have to find out!

Anyhow, this year has been intense. Change is always present in our lives and sometimes it brings with gifts that we can only receive when we’re healed enough to take them. I’m hoping to keep healing, keep growing, keep loving, and keep going. I’m learning so much about myself and about the world. I’m loving myself more than I have in the past. I am incredibly proud of where I am. And I’m not done yet.

[another-dr-another]

feels bad inc,,, advance

Uehara - ...Christ. Inori, I am so sorry, I... Monokuma, what the hell!

Monokuma - I Did Not Create The Videos.

Hatano - But you let something like that get released! How could anyone be so mean-

Hatano - And how could you just show someone what people say behind their back!

Higa - So what?

Uehara - Really dude? So what?

Maki - Mekaru, you got a verdict on this?

Mekaru - Oh my... no, that'd definitely do it. It targets every little niche...

Mekaru - This really isn't a "so what" sort of situation here, that's a horrible video.

Tsurugi - Never in my life have I more wished I was proven wrong.

Inori - Yeah, this is what I meant when I confirmed I got something special.

Otori - So... you already had at least a vague sense of who showed up in everyone's video.

Inori - Mhm. Kinda fucked me up a bit to see... just everyone being happy, yknow?

Inori - I kinda inferred that the kid in Makis video was her brother... you two seem really different though, what's with-

Maki - ...Please drop it.

Inori - Sorry, not my place to ask.

Inori - Speaking of family though, I do wanna explain... what was said in the video.

Inori - My parents died when I was a kid, and I never got adopted, didn't really let any workers take me to an orphanage.

Inori - Whenever they tried, I just threatened to get myself so hurt that they'd need to take me back to the hospital I was treated at.

Tomori - Treated at?

Inori - It was a freak fire that killed my parents, I'm only alive because they left me in the car while they went to a restaurant...

Inori - The firefighters didn't know how long I had been there, and smoke inhalation can especially mess up young lungs.

Inori - Honestly? I knew they were just doing their job, but it was the first time I actually felt acknowledged... I asked everyone about their jobs,

Inori - And ended up deciding that surgery was what I knew the most about, so why not keep learning more?

Inori - Already knew that fucking... Dr. Ando didn't like me, but I didn't realize so many people...

Tsurugi - Then right after you watched that, you'd see Kurokawas reaction to her video, yeah?

Inori - Yeah... and so as I soon as I saw Kurokawa in all that pain because of her video... something inside me snapped.

Inori - I don't know if it was jealousy, or me trying to get rid of an example of how everyone else in the world was more loved... I just latched onto her.

Inori - And so once I knew I had the chance to... you all know what I did.

Inori - You also know that I've just felt... miserable this entire time. I fucking killed someone over Monokuma pointing out fact.

Tsurugi - ...

Higa - And rather than come clean, you tried to get us all killed.

Inori - Fuck off! I should've killed you, Kurokawa deserved to live!

Tsurugi - Inori, repeat the last thing you said, before Higas comment?

Inori - That I shouldn't have killed Kurokawa just because Monokuma upset me pointed out fact.

Tsurugi - ...Did he though?

Inori - ...What?

Tsurugi - I'm sorry if anything I did conveyed me being afraid of, or disliking you...

Tsurugi - And I can't speak for everyone, but I know I'm not alone here: I care about you, Inori.

Tsurugi - Anytime I didn't endorse what you were doing, your behaviors and the like, it's because I was worried about why you were doing them.

Tsurugi - Why study and become a surgeon if you endorse people being hurt? It helped key me in to you needing help financially, being reliant on yourself.

Tsurugi - I've just been worried about you, because I care, I always have, and even now I do.

Tsurugi - What you did to Kurokawa wasn't right, but it wasn't something you did because you're a bad person, you did that because you were being manipulated.

Tsurugi - You both fell victim to this game, I'm not going to judge you for what you thought you had to do.

Tomori - Yeah... same here! Killing Kurokawa wasn't... right, but you did it because your every insecurity and fear was played into.

Uehara - And what the hell's with Monokuma implying you'd die if you didn't kill first? That's extra fucking rough, no one else got that incentive!

Uehara - At least, I don't think so...

Maki - It'd be hypocritical of me to hate you for what you did, especially given your motive... in my book, you're perfectly fine as the rest, Inori.

Kobashikawa - I don't quite have the... experiences of some of the people here, but yeah, you didn't deserve to be put in that position.

Yamaguchi - We're ignoring that she killed someone?!

Iranami - ...We're just acknowledging that she was used and manipulated...

Tsurugi - Kurokawa was really nice... I'm sure she wouldn't want us being mad with Inori, not when this is all Monokuma and the masterminds fault.

Taira - Speaking of Monokuma... isn't there something he's meant to be doing?

Maeda - ...Oh God. I almost forgot.

Tsurugi - Forgot? Forgot wh-

Tsurugi - ...

Tsurugi - Oh no.

Inori - ...Guys?

Monokuma - The Blackeneds Motive Has Been Established. They Were Given Opportunity To Explain Their Crime.

Monokuma - For Disrupting The Peace Of The School, You Will Be Expelled.

Hatano - Expelled? Th-that means she can leave, right?

Monokuma - Commencing With Execution In: One Minute.

Inori - E-execution?!

Inori - Like... executing the act of letting me go?

Hatano - Inoris gonna get guillotined!

Inori - Why the fuck would you say that!

Iranami - ...Is the elevator working?

//Mekaru dashes over to the elevator, followed by Kobashikawa when he sees what she's doing. The two pry at the gate blocking the elevator... with no success.

Inori - No, no, no no no. I- this can't be about to happen!

//Inori begins to shake, pulling up her hood as she looks around to her classmates.

Inori - I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I shouldn't have... my motive wasn't even legit! People care about me!

Taira - Lying is not against the school rules.

Tsurugi - T-there's gotta be something we can do! Can we protect her?

Monokuma - Leaving Your Podium Without Permission Violates Trial Rules. Ten Seconds Until Execution.

Inori - I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! S-someone, please!

//Everyone's frozen. Some are fixated on the floor, unable to look at Inori, while others can't tear their eyes from her, shooting a sympathetic (and often guilty) glance at her should their eyes meet. Maeda shifts uneasily on his feet- before jumping back.

Monokuma - Commencing Execution.

//The curtains covering the wall directly behind Inori fly open, with the wall panel itself sliding over- from the pitch black depths, a steel collar attached to a chain shoots out towards the class. 13 students notice, most scrambling back at the object which seems to radiate terror. Only Inori fails to notice, and by the time she processes the others fear, it's too late.

//The collar closes around her neck a millisecond before the chain goes taught, and begins to retreat backward; the curtains and wall are already shifting back to place, just barely missing Inori as she is dragged by the neck to execution.

Monokuma - It’s Punishment Time!

~*~

Maeda, narrating - ...Do I hear... screaming?

Maeda - ...!

Maeda - The screen her video was played on is on again...

[Look to the screen]

[onlyonewoman]

I previously made a post about the revolting culture of K-pop industry and now I’ve learned that the average “idol” earn around 450 USD a month. Let me break this down for you. These young kids have been trained and grinded since their tween years, endured work hours that are illegal for adults in many parts of the world.  They have been forced through utterly unhealthy eating and excercising regimes, have had their bodily autonomy and chances of dating stripped away, can very rarely see friends and family, have no place of their own, no time to relax or recover etc. I could go on and on. MANY of them are constantly sleep deprived due to their insane work hours.  Now.  I work as a stable groom. I do A LOT of heavy work during the day, mucking, carrying heavy water buckets and even heavier wheelbarrows in MUD. I handle horses that are a lot bigger, stronger and more nervous than me and I have to be their support and comfort. It’s a heavy work, it can be dangerous and in late autumn and early spring, the mud and rain are enough to drive my body insane. My type of work requires plenty of healthy, regular food and regular rests for me to not only perform well, but to not be exhausted and hurt my body in the long run. I work parttime, 50%, with literal horse shit in rain where I are at risk of being hurt - even killed - because horses are... horses.  Let me repeat myself: I work 20 hours a week with skittish giants who, if I’m not careful, can kick my teeth out while I pick up their shit - and I make MORE THAN TWICE the amount of money these poor kids do. I also get: - insurance  - every weekend off - paid sick leave - one hour long lunch break and a shorter breakfast break mid morning - 4 weeks of vaccation each year with my full salary And here I learn, as an old fucking hag of soon to be 40, that it’s become totally normalized for kids to dream of being starved, isolated, getting cosmetical surgeries, unpaid, unrested, in huge financial debt and having their personal identity erased for the, lets be honest, microscopic chance of one day becoming such a huge success, all the toxic, frankly right out cultlike treatment worth it. I feel so bad for these young, talented boys and girls, treated like being in serfdom, forced to smile while fighting exhaustion.  This has nothing to do with their music, or dancing, or talent, or hard work. No one has the right to call these people untalented or make fun of them.  No.  If anything, they deserve to wake up rested, eating a proper breakfast to stand their work routine, have decent breaks, DAILY FOOT BATHS, massages, fucking privacy, partners and friends, an identity outside work.  I honestly didn’t think it was this bad, but it is and it turns my stomach. 

[scullysflannel]

Hi Kelly, I'm struggling to come out to my family because they are pretty conservative. How did coming out go for you? Do you have any suggestions on how to do it? I'm honestly really scared.

Oh, my whole heart is with you. I’m actually still in the same boat, pretty much; I still haven’t come out to my parents. I did come out on twitter a few weeks ago, impulsively, even though I knew they might see it, but as far as I know they haven’t. My mom has gotten really, painfully conservative lately, and my dad chooses silence in order to keep the peace with her. He and I had a fight bad enough to make me feel like preserving my relationship with them isn’t worth cutting off the rest of my life. I was texting my brother afterward (I came out to him in a text a few years ago while trying to convince him that the 2016 election was not just “going to be fine” for me lol lol, and that went fine), and he said something I needed to hear: “you have to live your life as if they’re not around. tell them what you want and don’t tell them what you don’t want.”

I know that might sound really basic, but I needed to be free from feeling like I couldn’t live my life until I’d come out to them. I do still want to come out to them and feel like I need to. But I’m trying to stop treating it like a huge ritual I have to do before I’m allowed to access any other part of my future as a lesbian (replace lesbian with your sexuality if needed!). I’m trying to make coming out to my family matter a little less so it feels more doable, and so I’m not cutting myself off from life in the meantime. So I’m just saying it more openly to everyone else. If my parents find out secondhand, then the bandaid is off. If they don’t, then I’m still getting a little braver every time. And I’m giving myself a better life. The love my friends have shown me in the past few weeks has been incredible. I didn’t have to wait to come out to my parents in order to get that. I actually feel more ready to tell them now because I know how many other people I’ll have in my life even if my parents don’t support me. 

Which isn’t to say the thought of permanently being cut off from my parents doesn’t absolutely devastate me! Lately I’ve gotten a lot of the old “well if someone doesn’t accept you, then fuck them” line, and I hate it. This isn’t some toxic high school friendship. It’s my future with the people who raised me, the people I usually go home to every holiday season and who still sometimes have to help me with my taxes. The thought of losing that forever, even when I’m not in a good place with them, is more than I can wrap my head around. It hurts beyond words to think that the love my parents promised me was unconditional is conditional after all. But lately I’m really mad about that too, so I’m just trying to ride that anger. 

Anyway, it helped me to remember that I don’t have to get a wrist stamp that says “I came out to my family” before they let me in the club. Maybe that will help you too. Maybe you already figured that out ages ago and I just wasted so much of your time telling you what you already know. I’m sorry! But I just wanted to start there, because that’s still where I’m at. 

As far as coming out itself, I hope more people will weigh in here with their advice and experience! You have to do what’s safe for you. I don’t know your situation, but if you’re thinking about coming out to your family then I’m guessing that means you feel like you can do it safely, at least physically and financially, which is a good start. What I do know is that for a lot of people, it’s not the end of the story if coming out goes badly at first. I really hold on to all of my friends’ stories about how bad it was when they told their families and how much better it got. A friend told me once that it helped her to remember that it took her a while to totally accept that she’s a lesbian, so how could she not give her mom a little time too? I think about that a lot. I’m not saying it’s fair that we should have to wait for acceptance. But that does make me feel a lot more able to extend grace to my parents, within reason. It took me ages just to get here myself.

Like I said, I’d love for more people to hopefully jump in with suggestions (which I will also benefit from). But so far what I’ve got is just all of this. It’s okay to just live your life, if you want, and let go of expectations around coming out to your family as a big rite of passage. But if you want to come out to them, talk to friends first who you know will support you however it goes. Remember that even if it’s really messy, it’s probably not the end. Keep in mind that it could actually go really well. And know that you deserve to be happy, honestly. I’m thinking of you and sending love!

[notasiren21]

To those who want to kill themselves:

I’m not going to sugarcoat this at all. I’ll be gentle at times and then rather aggressive. And for good reason...

Because you deserve to fucking live.

I’m aware there’s blatant bullying, discreet and subtle bullying that makes you question if you’re just being sensitive and taking things too seriously (most of the time you’re not, trust me), neglect, familial issues, and then situational instances that pound into your heart and head consistently.

Believe it or not, but the cliché term of “it does get better” is true, just as long as you yourself is willing to check its validity and try.

I thought of several ways like drowning myself in the bathtub and hoping my fingertips would slip on the rims so I couldn’t pull myself up when my body got weak/ holding a knife to my chest while crying/ contemplating on just taking those three steps into the road when I was supposed to get the mail/ jumping off my balcony/ finishing off my oxycodone pills from a wisdom teeth surgery/ etc.

Maybe I’m a coward or was weak, but I could never follow through with it. Just left with that same bottle lying in a medicine basket somewhere or had a brief puncture mark on my chest that just broke the skin with the tip, whatever.

Crying myself to sleep almost every night because it was too much.

Honestly, I think being a coward and weak was the best thing to happen to me.

I lost a boyfriend from how much my anxiety and suicidal thoughts consumed me and had to tell my parents why I was dumped which led to me seeing their faces when I fessed up and said “I’m not happy, I’m not okay”.

It’s funny because I’ve had a cry for help several times through stuff I’ve written and published on fanfic sites, stuff I’ve given to my teacher to read senior year, literally telling my AP Lit class two years ago I was depressed and thought suicidal shit (only 8 of us in that class and teacher) and being told “it’s just like that sometimes, gotta shake it off”, “don’t let people’s words get to you”, “yea, same” and having a teacher pretend like she heard nothing.

That one time I was brave, and I was waved off.

I know there are times where you finally find your voice for that one split second and then you’re ignored, and you feel yourself rescinding back to mute and distant.

I know you’re plastering a smile on constantly to fool others because you’re afraid what will happen when they find out.

It sucks, doesn’t it?

When you hear so many voices in your head playing that record on repeat of the things you most want to forget. Having those nightmares occur where someone takes the final step to push you to your edge. Seeing the annoyed rolling of eyes or blatant show of disinterest of you.

Nine years of schooling, because after 3rd grade, I was just one of those girls who females decided to hate for breathing or asking a question. So nine years I was trying not to victimize myself in my head and justifying why everyone acted the way they did to me.

Teenage girls and teachers alike made my life hell. The girls never gave me the chance and teachers treated me like I was some lost cause that couldn’t even make it to merit roll and like my work was shit.

“Oh, you sure you can make it into the media production film? I don’t think you’ll be able to make shows like you planned. Maybe try for something else.”

“Your writing is, it’s okay. Try harder next time.”

I struggled with grades in high school and wondered if I’d even graduate.

I made the president’s list my first year of college. Got straight A’s. My English professors loved to leave excited feedback on my essays and were amazed how quickly I could conjure one up and fix my own mistakes before peer review.

My professors talked about me to one another and when I met the new ones, they already knew of me.

My history professor begged me to write a poem for a book he’s writing and publishing near 2021.

My creative writing professor attacked me with an email of compliments over a chapter book of poems I wrote where i took them in the order written so it was me at my worst, to me fooling myself, to me losing and falling back, to me trying for help, to me being the best I’ve ever been. >I also made him cry in a class writing experiment with less than 300 words.

(Idk maybe the bitch is that sensitive but he was chill)

My point is: fucking block out what other people say or do to you. Tell someone you trust you need help and stop kidding yourself.

And please, for the love of god, if it is really that bad then do not make yourself so naive into believing a friend or partner can take the brunt of it all and fix you.

It may work for some time, but if you’re still suffering, they will too and neither of you will win in the end.

I took to therapy and it worked. And I dropped all the toxic shit out of my life and moved on.

I may not use social media besides Tumblr or Discord, but I’m more present in life than I was before and not comparing myself to others anymore.

I dropped friends that made me feel bad and bashed things I liked or would cause issues and I have a peace of mind (as much as one can have one during a pandemic and such).

Get the help. Find ways to receive help if you can’t financially afford it. Find that courage to tell someone you trust that listens to you that you are suffering and need that professional help and to be taken seriously.

I was the first to walk the graduation stage of my 2019 class, and I thought I’d be the first of us to die because I couldn’t move past everything I’ve endured from a large majority of them.

I would’ve missed how positively my life turned around.

I would’ve destroyed my parents, little sister, and brother for being so selfish.

I’m the middle child, the good kid with a career in mind and the mediator of the family. And I’m used to not being the favorite but appreciated one.

My dad confessed to me that I was his favorite and I never want to hear it again.

You never want to hear a man you see as the strongest person you know say that while trying not to cry and keep his voice normal, you don’t want to hear “You were always my favorite” said in such a thick voice it brings tears to your eyes.

Your life matters.

This isn’t Sims where you can move on to the next household member. This isn’t like throwing LEGO R2-D2 off a cliff with that iconic scream only or lose a few coins. This isn’t a fucking game.

And I am so sick of hearing people treat it like some quest you get once in your life:

“You’ll be okay.”

“Cheer up.”

“It’s just a phase.”

Etc.

It’s all fucking bullshit. We live in a world that sugarcoats the severity of someone’s life when it’s presented in front of us while on the precipice of shattering.

You deserve to live. Anyone who tells you otherwise is the one who loses the right to be considered human or a person, not you.

Do not let someone dictate your life’s outcome because they don’t agree with you or like you.

And please, for all that is good in this world, don’t fool yourself into thinking you’re alright when you don’t feel it.

Hang in for one extra day to gather the strength and tell someone you need help.

Everyone acts so ashamed of it but it was the best thing that happened to me after being such a weak coward and now, I’m genuinely happy. And it was a lot of work to get here.

Want to know where all my angst and suffering had gone to? Just ask the characters in the books and fanfic content I’ve written. I’m sure they don’t appreciate it, but those stories wouldn’t exist if I gave up then.

And believe it or not, people will fucking miss you like hell if you killed yourself. It’s just too hard to see it right now and I was blinded before too.

Not everyone has the same opinion of you. Not everyone matters in your life.

You’re living this life singlehandedly by yourself while surrounded by others experiencing the same thing. Don’t let that opportunity go to waste.

And if you need distractions, indulge yourself in the harmless guilty pleasures like I do.

It can get better if you just open yourself to it.

It can get better if you get help.

You really must be so tired, isn’t it time you stopped pretending?

[jalapeno-princess]

Mark Tuan x Reader

Genre: Some angst, fluff, Surgeon Mark! (Lord help me)

Summary: You’re five months pregnant and practically on your own with your pregnancy when your fiancé gets a promotion. However, he fails to notice the distance between the two of you, nor does he understand how bad things are between the two of you until you make the announcement that you’re going to be staying with your parents for a while.

A/N: I don’t know if y’all have seen Jane the virgin or if you have heard this song (On tiktok) but it honestly fucks me up (and makes me cry over the boyfriend I don’t have) but I watched a tiktok about a single mother going through pregnancy and parenthood alone (You go sis you deserve the entire world men aren’t shit) and this just sort of came about (The idea of being domestic with Mark makes me want to scream @ God send him my way)

“Hey, why are you still up y/n? It’s 3:30 in the morning. That’s probably not good for the baby.” Your fiancé put his briefcase down before heading towards the fridge to look for something to eat. Mark was one of the head surgeons in the hospital he worked at, which is why he would find himself returning home at random times of the day. 

Some days he came home in the afternoon and other days, he came home at midnight. As proud as you were of him for working so hard and dedicating his life to saving people, you wished he paid more attention to you, your relationship and your growing belly. You were five months pregnant at this point and when you first found out about your pregnancy, you were over the moon.

From the time you and Mark first started dating back in college, you knew he was the man you wanted to settle down and spend the rest of your life with. Which is why you felt on top of the word when he finally proposed to you and found yourself only a few months later sitting in your bathroom, waiting patiently for your pregnancy test results. It was as if everything seemed to be falling in to place for you and Mark. You knew your fiancé loved you with every fiber of his being. No matter how many times he would tell you how madly in love with you he was on a daily basis, he never failed to show you through his actions. 

Just a few months ago, he had gotten a promotion to lead surgeon in his department. After seeing him cry and stay up many times during his residency, you knew all the blood, sweat and tears he went through to get that position was worth it. However, the more time he spent at the hospital, the less time spent with you. At first, you didn’t care because you knew how dedicated he was when it came to being a surgeon. But you felt as if you were the only one putting effort in to your relationship and in your pregnancy. 

You checked all your messages and your call log; you were the one sending all the texts and calling him all the time. You were the one attempting at having a conversation with him and trying being intimate with him, but your plans always seemed to fail. You knew that he was exhausted and you tried your best to be understanding that he had a job that drained away all his energy. For the last week and a half, the two of you have been going at it over the smallest things and you were sure it was because the both of you were both so tired.

Pregnancy was wearing you out and there were days you found yourself suffering alone. It seemed as if the only time the two of you shared together was spent arguing and disagreeing on things. He would complain about the place being messy, how you would leave dishes in the sink for him to clean and how you would fail to throw empty milk cartons away. Then came the complaints about work and you felt that he took out all his stress on you. As much as you wanted to listen to him vent and be his shoulder to cry on, it was more like being his punching bag and you were getting tired of the way he was treating you. 

When you found out you were pregnant, you were hesitant on telling Mark only because you didn’t want him worrying about you when he had other things to focus on. However, when you finally did get around to telling him, to say he was excited was an understatement. He’s been dreaming of having a big family from the time he was little. Since he was surrounded with so many nieces and nephews, he couldn’t wait to have little ones of his own. He made a promise to you that he would be there for you for every little thing you needed. During your first trimester, he did pretty well with keeping his promise. 

Whenever you were hungry, he cooked whatever you were in the mood for and one time he found himself driving to Taco Bell at three in the morning just to get you a quesadilla. If you had to pee, he wouldn’t hesitate to bring you to and from the bathroom no matter what time it was. He would massage your shoulders to get you to relax, prepare baths for you when you had a long day and even talked to your belly from time to time in order for your child to recognize their father’s voice. He still had a hard time believing that him and his favorite person were going to have a little one of their own in just a few months. 

Although the two of you had yet to find out the gender of your baby, he began buying things he thought they would need just to be prepared and he even purchased things he felt you needed. That’s how you found yourself with a body pillow, twelve different pairs of maternity clothes and three different stomach warmers. He also bought every pregnancy book Barnes and Noble had to offer. 

Unfortunately, that all changed as soon as he got promoted. Since his schedule was constantly changing, you’d find yourself attending your appointments with your parents or sometimes by yourself. He tried to get his friends to go with you, especially because you were pretty close with them too; but you hated being a burden on people. Plus, it didn’t feel right having them attend the ultrasound of a baby that wasn’t theirs. 

Every time you got to see how quickly your baby was growing, it never failed to bring tears to your eyes. You were extremely happy to see their tiny tittle frame growing bigger as the months went by. However, you wish Mark was there to celebrate with you. It was getting harder for you to move around as you were getting in to the middle of your second trimester and some of your body parts began getting swollen. You felt like you were all alone in this and Mark wasn’t around enough for you to tell him how you were feeling. 

It was in those moments of being alone in your bed where you would find yourself crying at the thought of how life will be like when your baby finally does arrive. If Mark is already absent like this during your pregnancy, what more when you finally gave birth? The first few months after your baby arrives are apparently the hardest and you had a feeling you were going to go through all of that alone. Which is why you made the decision to sit your fiancé down and tell him your plans. As much as you hated being away from Mark, it wasn’t like he was ever around much these days anyways. 

“We need to talk.” Mark pulled his head out of the fridge and looked at you in curiosity. Those four words never led to anything good, so he was worried you had bad news and he wasn’t quite in the mood to hear it. He almost had two failed surgeries that night and wanted nothing more than to sleep. Before he could open his mouth, you beat him to it. “I’m going to stay with my parents for a few weeks.” For some reason, he wasn’t surprised. He knew something like this was coming. You were always an independent woman, you had such a good head on your shoulders and it was one of the many things Mark loved about you. That was the reason why he wasn’t in shock when told him of your decision. 

Although he hid it behind a poker face, deep down his heart was breaking. Mark hated the distance between the two of you and as much as he loved his Job, he hated that it took him away from you. He didn’t think the two of you would end up like this, distant to the point where you could be considered strangers. Looking at him, it didn’t feel like you were staring at your fiancé; the man you’ve been in love with your years. It was as if you were looking at someone you didn’t recognize and the thought made you feel numb. When did things get this bad between the two of you? 

“What? Why? When?” You released a frustrated sigh before making your way to the couch. Your body felt as if it was about to pass out at any moment and you were afraid of things taking a turn at the worst. 

“Why? Are you seriously asking me that right now? I’m almost five months pregnant Mark and I’ve been practically going through this pregnancy by myself. I’ve been going to all the appointments by myself and I’ve been having to take care of this house by myself. You’re never around and I can’t keep doing things on my own. I’m stressed, lonely, tired, depressed and frustrated all the time. All I want is to fall asleep in your arms and for you to reassure me that everything is going to be okay. But everything won’t be okay, will it? Look at us Mark. We’ve been arguing almost every day for the last week, we can barely hold a decent conversation hell, I can’t even remember the last time we shared a genuine kiss. Pregnancy is supposed to be such a beautiful and exciting experience but lately all I ever seem to do is worry and cry and I have no one to comfort me. I understand that you love your job and I’m very proud of you for all that you’ve accomplished. But it seems that you forget you have a fiancé and a baby on the way. I don’t think you’re ready to be a father Mark—“ 

He furrowed his brows before looking at you in disbelief. Sure, he hasn’t been that involved in your pregnancy, but he didn’t think that made him a bad father. The reason why he’s been working so hard and so often was because he wanted to be able to provide for both you and your baby before it arrived. He wanted to make sure you both were financially prepared for the baby. If he knew it was going to take such a negative toll on your relationship, he wouldn’t have agreed on taking up all those extra hours. 

“And you’re ready? Look y/n, I’m sorry. I’ve been a shit fiancé and I’m sorry, but don’t you dare say I’m not ready for parenthood. You may be the one carrying our baby and I’m very thankful that you’re being so strong in a time like this. But I’ve read every book and bought everything our little one needs—“ 

You scoffed. “Of course not. I’m scared out of my mind but I’m handling it better than you are. Oh, and that’s supposed to be enough? God Mark, how stupid can you be? Admit it, you love your job more than anything else. More than you love me and probably more than you’ll love our baby. Don’t give me that look, you know it’s true. If I’m already going through my pregnancy by myself, I’m sure it’s gonna be like this once the baby arrives. You’ve always been my number one priority Mark. I always want to put you and your happiness before anything else. But then I came to the realization that maybe I’m not important enough for you to do the same. Our baby is my main priority now and I think staying with my parents is the best option for the both of us. My mom was the one who offered and I was hesitant at first. I hate the thought of being apart from you, but you’re never around anyway, so what’s the point? I need to be around people who can give me the support and attention I need right now.” 

Mark hesitantly looked up at you and felt a tear fall down his cheek as he took in your appearance. It was obvious that you were tired beyond belief. You had dark circles, your eyes were red and swollen as if you had been crying and even though you were pregnant, you looked like you’ve lost quite a bit of weight. He knew he was the reason why you looked so fragile, so small and he wanted nothing more than for the ground to swallow him whole. How could he have done that to you? Mistreated you, neglected you, not give you the help you need during your pregnancy? He felt like such an idiot. 

He opened his mouth to speak, but he had nothing to say. What do you tell your pregnant fiancé when you’ve been absent in everything going on in her life? No amount of apologies would ever be enough and he was afraid to say the wrong thing. When you noticed that he was just standing there in the kitchen and not saying anything, you sauntered off to your shared bedroom and reached for your bags you’ve packed just a few hours prior. The tears were hot as they fell from your face but you continued to grab your things. After taking a few minutes to breathe, you made your way back to the living room only to find Mark in the same place you left him. But this time, he was crying. You could hear his quiet sobs when you were in the hallway and immediately stopped moving. 

Mark could be extremely sensitive sometimes, but he never cried because of you. He never had a reason to. However, as he gave you your space and allowed you to do whatever it was you were doing in the room, he couldn’t help but think you were leaving him. Permanently. As much as he tried convincing himself that you just needed some time to yourself, he couldn’t help but feel this was a sign of the end of your relationship and he obviously was not going to let that happen. He’d give you your space, he’ll allow you to do whatever you need in order to satisfy you. But there was no way in hell he was letting you go. Not only because you were pregnant, but because you were his person. You meant everything to Mark. He couldn’t care less about anything other than you. He’d give up his job and settle for a shittier one that paid way less if it meant being able to spend more time with you. 

He was too deep in his thoughts and self pity that he failed to notice you re-enter the living room and when his eyes landed on your suitcase, his sobs grew louder. “Are you leaving?” You looked at him with so much sadness in your eyes and nodded slowly. “Me. Are you leaving me?” Once those words fell from his lips, you felt your chest getting heavy. Did he really think you were going to break up with him? You were only staying with your parents until you decided you no longer needed their help. You couldn’t help but think you’d end up staying with them even after you gave birth. Sure, things haven’t been going as well as they used to be between the two of you, but you didn’t think it was bad enough to make you end things with Mark. You were sure you’d die of heartbreak if you were to lose him. 

“No, I’m not leaving you. Unless that’s what you want.” His facial expression was quick to change to something you’ve never seen before. He looked angry, yet hurt and confused. 

“Of course that’s not what I want. Why would you even think that? Fuck, I don’t even want you going now but you have your reasons and I can’t stop you I just—fuck.” 

There were so many reasons why you loved Mark. In fact, he was everything you could want in a significant other and more. Sure, there’s no such thing as a perfect person, but he came pretty close. Sometimes, you had a hard time believing he was real and that he was yours. With that being said, there were a few things you could live without. His stubbornness. He always had to have the last say in things and he always had to be right, even if he was wrong; and if he were to be proved wrong he wouldn’t admit to it. 

He was also really bad at communication. You knew there were so many things he wanted to say, ways he wanted to apologize to you. You knew he wanted to yank your bags out of your hands and beg you to stay; but words were never his forte. 

Lastly, the fact that he couldn’t apologize. Sure, if he did something wrong and took responsibility for it, he would say sorry. However in situations that he didn’t feel he did anything wrong, he wouldn’t apologize. You knew you weren’t going to get the apology you deserved out of him, but you were too tired to continue arguing with him. 

“How long will you be gone for?” 

“I don’t know, however long I’m going to need help from my parents.” 

You could tell he wanted to make his way towards you with the way he kept inching forward but he would ultimately move back. Mark knew his limits and he knew how much you didn’t like it when he would try and reach out to you right after the two of you would fight. But in this moment, you wanted nothing more than for him to pull you in to his embrace. You missed the feeling of being wrapped in his arms. Mark was your safe haven, your home. You always felt so protected with him around, but you haven’t felt that way in a while. 

“You can stay here. I’ll help you from now on—“ the emotionless chuckle that left your throat sent chills down Mark’s spine. You were always so positive, you were his own personal ray of sunshine; he hated that he was the reason you were now so cold. 

“Yeah sure, because you’ve been doing such a good job at helping me these days. Please don’t make this harder than it already is. Go get some rest, I’m sure you’re tired. Don’t worry about me, you’ve already been doing such a great job at that.” When he saw you pick up your car keys, that’s when he finally made his way towards you and all but gently yanked it from your hand. 

“Mark, what the hell?” 

He pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. “I thought someone was here to pick you up. There’s no way in hell I’m letting you drive twenty minutes to your parent’s house by yourself in this condition. I’ll take you.” 

You shook your head in disagreement and attempted to reach for your keys but to no avail. “I’m fine Mark. I don’t think it’s a good idea—“ 

He released an exhausted sigh and you knew by the way he was looking at you that he was serious about not letting you go by yourself. However, you knew that you’d end up staying completely if he continued to try talking you out of it. “None of this is a good idea! You’re leaving me for God knows how long y/n! Fuck. I’m so fucking sorry. For everything, but please rethink this. I’m nothing without you. I know, I’ve been gone all the time and we hardly ever see each other but please baby, let me make it up to you. I’ll take good care of you and our baby. I’ll change. I’ll work less and be home more. I’ll start getting more involved again and I’ll pay more attention to you and—“ you slowly got on your tip toes and placed a gentle kiss on the corner of his lips to get him to stop talking. 

Your mind was made up and you believed this time apart would help in bringing you both back together again. You needed Mark to feel how you’ve been feeling these last few weeks. You wanted him to know something was wrong; you wanted him to feel the effect the distance was having on you. You wanted him to miss you, to need you and to regret the way he’s been neglecting you. 

“I have to go Mark. We’ll be fine. Okay? I’ll let you know when I get there. Take care of yourself while I’m gone please. I love you.” He tried to grab at your waist, but you were already out the door. There was no way he’d be able to sleep now that you were no longer there. Even if the both of you were no longer intimate and hardly ever saw each other, just your presence kept Mark sane. He knew was going to lose it now that you were gone and he was pissed with himself that he didn’t try harder in stopping you from leaving. He began pacing the room back and forth, waiting for a text or call, letting him know you got to your parents place and released a sigh of relief when he got the notification fifteen minutes later. He began typing out multiple messages filled with apologies, telling you how much he loved you and begging you to come back; but he ended up deleting each and every single one. 

When you got to your parent’s house, you quietly made your way up to your old room and began to cry to yourself once you laid down on your bed. Your hands made your way down to your belly and you began to apologize to the tiny little being growing in there. A part of you was upset that Mark didn’t try harder to get you to stay. If only he were to genuinely admit to his faults and promise you he’d do better, then maybe you would’ve stayed. But he just let you leave, as if it was so easy. As if it didn’t bother him that you were leaving and that’s what hurt you the most. You continued to cry as you remembered everything that went down almost an hour ago until you found yourself falling asleep. 

Mark however, couldn’t find it in himself to go to bed. Images of your hurt expression continued to play over and over again in his mind as if you were taunting him. He couldn’t stop thinking about you crying to yourself and having to go through so much pain on your own. You were right. He was obviously not ready to be a father. If he was, he would’ve never allowed you to go through everything alone. No matter how time consuming his job was. He didn’t realize just how much time he spent at work until you brought it up to him. Mark knew what he had to do in order to get you to come back home, and he was going to do it soon. 

For the next two weeks since you’ve left, you had only gotten bigger which meant it was harder for you to do anything by yourself. Your parents were extremely kind and understanding. To your delight, Mark texted you multiple times every day, checking in on how you were doing, if you were eating your meals and taking your vitamins. But that was pretty much it. You weren’t going to lie, you missed him so much. However, you were too busy focused on the well-being of your little one that you didn’t have time to think about what Mark was doing and if he was missing you the way you were with him. 

Little did you know, your fiancé was suffering without you. The house was cold and empty without you. He decided to sleep on the couch because he wasn’t able to sleep in your room knowing you weren’t there next to him. He also began lagging at work. His mind was too busy with thoughts of you that he actually took a sick leave for a few days. On some days, he didn’t even have an appetite. Your absence was killing him. He tried giving you your space by not bombarding you with texts and calls. But he wanted more. He wanted you home. He wanted things to be okay between the two of you again. He hated how awkward things seemed to be getting between the two of you, as if you weren’t a couple. 

There were times where he’d find himself outside of your parents house, wanting to take your things and you back to your place, but he didn’t have the courage to do so. He was afraid your mom now thought negatively of him. You were very close with your parents, but your mom was your best friend. Mark was sure you told her everything, which is why she came up with the idea of you staying with them. 

Finally the day that Mark would make things right finally came. Almost a month since you’ve left to stay with your parents, he got a text from your mom, letting him know that you were at the hospital going to find out the gender of your baby. He was upset to say the least that you didn’t tell him you were going to find out what you were having. Even if you were mad at him, he was still your fiancé and the father of your child; he had every right to know the gender of your baby. 

He was minutes away from a surgery, but he had asked to slip away for a few moments in order to go be with you. As he made his way towards your gynecologist’s office, he felt as if his heart was going to beat out of his chest. This was the first time he was going to get to see you again after that night and he couldn’t be more happy. His heart yearned for you and he was going to make sure you were aware you were going back home with him. 

The receptionist was quick to greet him but looked up at him in confusion. Mark was well known throughout the hospital because of his position and because he was extremely handsome. All the nurses and receptionists would fawn over Dr.Mcdreamy and this receptionist was no different. 

“Dr.Tuan, is everything okay? What can I help you with today?” He looked around for you but you weren’t in the waiting room. Was your appointment over? Did you leave? Did he just miss it? But your mom said ten o’clock, he made sure to be there on time. 

“Y/n y/l/n, is she here? She’s supposed to have an appointment today.” The receptionist looked at her computer before nodding in agreement. 

“She’s in room 7, is she a patient of yours?” He shook his head before heading towards the room. 

“She’s my wife.” Your mom was holding your hand while gently running her hands through your hair in attempts to get you to calm down. You were extremely excited to find out what you and Mark were having. Just a few days after finding out you were pregnant, you and Mark made a bet on what you were having. You wanted a boy and he wanted a girl. You couldn’t help but giggle at the memory, but quickly grew sad when you realized you were going to find out by yourself. Before you could start tearing up, you heard the door open and when you turned to see who it was, your heart began to flutter. 

“Mark—“ he made his way towards you and brought your face in his hands, pulling you in for a long awaited kiss. When he felt you smile in to the kiss, he found himself smiling too. 

“Hey stranger, I’ve missed you.” You brought your fingers up to his face and gently grazed his cheek with your thumb. 

“I’ve missed you too. Wait, why are you here? Are you not going to get in trouble for leaving work?” He playfully rolled his eyes and shook his head. 

“I was kind of upset when your mom told me about this appointment and that you didn’t, but that doesn’t matter. I’m here now. And I’m always going to be here from now on baby. This is the most important thing going on in my life right now. Hey mom, thanks again for the invitation.” He pulled your mom in for a hug before taking his place back on the bed with you. He looked at you lovingly before placing one more chaste kiss on your lips. 

“You only get more and more beautiful every day and look at you, you’re practically a basketball. God, I’ve missed you so much.” Before you could respond, your gynecologist walked in to the room. 

“So y/n, how are you—Oh—Hi Dr.Tuan. How have you been? What are you doing here?” Mark reached for your hand and intertwined your fingers together while showing it to your gynecologist. 

“Y/n is my wife.” You looked at him in shock before smirking and nodded in agreement. Your doctor had you lie down while applying gel on your belly and began the ultrasound. Mark never let go of your hand the entire time and even placed soft kisses on the back of it every so often. 

After a few moments, your gynecologist smiled down at you. “Congratulations y/n, you’re having a baby boy. There’s his cute little toes and his fingers. He’s hiding his face but that’s his nose right there. Right now he’s approximately 5 pounds.” The gentle squeeze on your hand sent warmth to your cheeks and you turned to face your fiancé. Although Mark made it clear that he was hoping for a girl, the wide grin on his face made it known that he was just as happy that you were having a boy. Once the gynecologist got done explaining to you how the remaining weeks of your pregnancy were going to go, you were left alone in the room with your mom and Mark. 

“I’m going to go validate our parking. I’ll be waiting for you outside y/n, but take your time. Mark sweetie, it was nice seeing you again.” He said his goodbyes to your mom before turning to you. Even if he was confident just a few minutes ago with the way he kissed you as if nothing was wrong, he knew he had a lot to make up for and a few kisses weren’t going to solve your problems. He needed to tell you what he should’ve said a month ago. 

“You must be happy. You’ve always wanted a boy, even when we first started dating I’d catch you in the boys section looking at clothes you’d want to dress our future son in.” You hummed in contentment before motioning for him to come closer. He placed a gentle kiss on your forehead while bringing his hands down to yours, absentmindedly playing with your fingers. 

“Baby I’m so sorry. I’m an asshole, a fucking idiot. I can’t believe I was so blind to the way I was neglecting you and failing to give you the love and attention that you need right now. I cried every single day you were gone even if I had no right to. I missed you so fucking much y/n. I didn’t realize just how much I needed you in my life until you were gone. I put you through hell and I hate that it took you having to leave in order for me to realize it. And I’m sorry for not telling you this that night, I could’ve prevented all of this if I just got this off my chest. I was just so stubborn. I admit it, I let my job take over my life and I didn’t make you and our little bub my priority as you should’ve been. I’m sorry, for all the times you cried to yourself, for having to suffer alone. For making you feel like a single parent. Hearing you said you didn’t think I was ready to be a father upset me, but I understood where you were coming from. If I couldn’t even take care of you, there’s no way in hell I was ready to take care of a newborn baby. But I am, and I will.” A tear fell from his face and you were quick to wipe it away before placing a soft kiss on his temple.

“The lack of intimacy, the lack of communication, not being able to spend much time together, that’s all going to change. I already talked to my supervisor, she’s reducing my hours and I get a month off to spend with you and our baby once you give birth. I’m going to stick by your side like glue to the point where you’re probably going to get irritated with me. Anything you need, I got you baby. I’m going to take good care of you y/n and I’m going to make sure I’m the best father to our son and the best fiancé you could ask for. This is only the beginning y/n, but I’m telling you it’s only going to get better from here. I love you, more than you will ever know. You mean the entire world to me. I’ll give up anything and everything for you and your happiness. This, this pathetic and broken thing I call my heart, it’s yours. It beats for you, it yearns for you. You’re all it wants and all it knows, for the rest of my life. By the way, you’re coming back home with me today. I’m going to show you just how much I’ve missed you my love.”

[slut-for-fandoms]

Paint me yours || Part 2

Pairings: Artist!Taehyung x reader

Word count: 2k

Genre: smut, fluff, angst (in the following chapters) 

Summary:  You are an art college student who struggles with finances. Until one day, on an exhibition of the arising artist Kim Taehyung, when the same boy offers you a job as his model. Would it be just a simple job or would it complicate your life in ways you have never thought it would? 

Warnings: None in this one

PART 1

A/N: I know, I know. Its been ages since I first posted part 1, but I was struggling with a lot of things and lack of inspiration of what and how to write it. Honestly, I am not even sure how this one turned out to be, at one point I was thinking of just posting the smut part, but part of me really wants to try and build this up with all the emotions I could put into the story. I hope you like it and please leave a comment as it will mean a lot to me :) Sorry for the mistakes you are gonna face!

Thrill. Surprise. Excitement. Nervousness. And all thanks to a small piece of paper.

“I will be looking forward to your answer, darling. ;)”

-K.T.   Number: ********95

I’ve been playing with it for the last 5 days, 17 hours and… 39 minutes ruminating whether I should call him or not. Groaning in annoyance I throw it on the bed, next to me. Running my hands through my face and hair, I close my eyes in attempt to recall the events from that night.

‘I- um what?’ my brain was so slow in processing the information, that I didn’t even realize I had spoken out loud. He only chuckled. His hand disappeared in the inside pocket of his golden coat searching for something. My confused and taken-aback self was following his movements with the hope to grasp what was happening. His long and soft fingers soon showed, holding a small piece of paper. His other hand was already holding a pen and he scrabbled something on it.

‘I’d like to work with you dear.’ he announced while handing me the paper. My eyes were moving from his aristocratic hands to his soft hazel eyes as my mouth was opened slightly making me look like a fish out of the ocean.

He licked his lower lip, then bit it trying to prevent his smile when my body somehow decided to react at take the paper.

‘You are indeed an interesting person Ms. (Y/N). Unfortunately, I need to leave but I truly hope we meet soon.’ winking he turned around and slowly excited the room. This gave me the opportunity to observe him more. Even his walk was showing gracefulness and elegance. His head was held high, showing the confidence he had and to show the respect to the people who came to ‘contemplate’ his works. He was smiling, thanking to his guests, shaking hands with them. Once he disappeared I glanced at the slip of paper in my hands.

‘(Y/N)!’ the screaming and banging on my door brought me back in the reality. Although all of this happened almost a week ago my body still reacts to any memory of him. The thought of him smiling, makes me smile too, the way his piercing eyes were looking at me causes my heart to skip a beat, his laugh…oh god his laugh. Every single fucking time I recall that boxy and cute shape of his mouth when he laughs and the sparkles that reach his eyes… ‘(Y/N)!’

‘Stop banging on the damn door, I can hear you!’ I shout back angrily.

‘Then fucking answer.’ groaning I get up from the bed and go to open the door for my roommate.

‘What?’ crossing my arms in front of my chest I lean on the door frame.

‘Dear, why the attitude?’ she looks at me concerned, ‘Are you on your period?’

‘What? No! I-‘, inhaling I try to gather myself, ‘I just have a lot of projects to finish. Don’t worry. Why were you trying to knock my door off some seconds ago?’ her face changes from worry to sympathy and then to a big smile.

‘Oh yeah, about that…’ all of a sudden the smile disappears which confuses me.

‘Come on, spill the beans.’ I wasn’t really in the mood to deal with people.

‘I need you to leave for the night?’

‘Excuse you, I what?’ I really hope she is joking with me right now.

‘Look. I do not want to do it but Jackson is crashing here tonight and I-’, she stutters as she’s trying to explain me everything.

‘You want some time alone and blah blah blah. I get it Rose but I have nowhere to go, you do know that.’ I wanted to be angry, I really wanted but I just couldn’t.

Being an art student with almost no financial support is really hard. The money my mum sends me is never enough due to fact we both come from a poor country. She works her ass off every damn day to support my dreams. Some months ago I was kicked out of my old flat because I wasn’t able to pay the rent. Thank god I had Rose as one of my really close friends to offer me her place to crash for some time until I find a place. I was feeling bad enough that I wasn’t paying anything to her and god knows how many times the fact I’ve been living with her have ruined her plans. I even started working two jobs but balancing them with my projects is almost impossible, that’s why I had to quit one of them two weeks ago.

‘I know (Y/N) but it is Jackson’s birthday. I have planned everything. I really want it to be the best evening if you know what I mean.’

Taking a deep breath I answer her.

‘I will see what I can do.’, suddenly her face was beaming with happiness.

‘Gosh, you are the best (Y/N)!’ Rose hurried to hug me with the smile never leaving her face ‘I am gonna treat you with pancakes tomorrow. I know they are your favourite.’

After that she goes to her room, probably to start preparing for tonight. Sighing, I hold my head against the door the second I close it. I turned around and looked at my phone. 11:23 am. Good. Today is Friday, my day off of one of the jobs. Maybe I can call to get a night shift? It that way I will be out almost the whole night and come back in the morning when everything is finished. Perfect! Jumping with excitement I open my phone and search for my boss’ number.

‘Hello, Mr. Kim! It’s (Y/N)!’, I speak as soon as my boss picks up.

‘Oh, Hello there (Y/N)!’, his raspy voice greets me back. I am not gonna lie, I might have or might have not had a massive crush on him when I started working. What can I say? That man is quite a walking sex on legs and nobody can resist him, ‘It is strange, I was about to call you in an hour.’, he laughs drily which makes me uncomfortable immediately. I may have not worked there for a long time but I learned how to sense his mood as it is a fast changing one.

‘Is something wrong, sir? I wanted to ask if there is a chance about taking a night shift today. I know it is my free day but I kinda need it if-’

‘About that, dear…’, he cuts me off. There is a moment of silence on the phone before he speaks, ‘I think we might not need you anymore. Do not get me wrong, dear. You have been doing more than a great job, but at this point, with Jiso coming back after he accident, we are too many people and I cannot pay everyone the deserved salary or even separate the amount of work equally between everybody.’

‘And I was the last one to join, yeah… I get it why it is me.’, I sit down on my bed, trying to compose myself and not start crying on the phone with my fucking boss. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

‘I am really sorry, (Y/N)! You are amazing, but I can’t fire the others, most of them depend on it more’, yeah because I don’t, but decided to not state it out in anger, ‘I wanted to tell you weeks before this actually happens but I just couldn’t. You can come tomorrow to get your weekly salary with some compensation from us for the situation I put you in. I will try to contact some of my business friends and allies and see if they search for somebody and recommend you.’

‘That would be very nice, thank you, sir.’

‘Again, Sorry dear! I hope you have a nice day.’

‘Yeah…’, my first were clenched and I was ready to go and storm into his office and beat the hell out of him, ‘Have a nice day, too, sir!’, I did my best to fake the nicest tone I could before hanging up.

How the hell did this happen? My anger soon turned into panic and desperation. I cannot lose my job just like that. It is completely out of the blue. I need the money. I barely pull the two ends together, and I am not even paying for a place to stay. That is horrible. That is horrible. What am I supposed to do now? I can’t tell my mum that. She will make me go back and we are already deep in debt.

Inhale! Exhale! Inhale! Exhale! Deep breaths. Everything is going to be fine! Just breathe and think. Think (Y/N)! It is mid-term, almost every possible job has already been taken by the students. I struggles so much with finding this one and the money were so good. It was pure luck. I should not have quitted being a waitress. Oh, god I am so stupid!

In frustration I lay back on the bed with my hands covering my face. But as soon as I lay down something tickles my cheek. One of hands traces the spot in order to find what the hell is on my face. I turn around to see it when my fingers wrap around it. It is the small note from Taehyung. I smile a little bit at it. It was literally the only good thing that has happened to me in the past week…wait.

I sit up abruptly and stare at the note unbelievingly. Should I? I take my phone. What if he was just joking with you? I leave the phone. Why would he? He must have given me the note with a reason? Right? Right?! My insecurities and lack of common sense fight for the next seconds.

Jesus Christ, why is it so hard to decide?

Okay, let’s see. I can text him that I am considering the offer and that it will be temporary until I find a stable job. I heard models earn a lot for such sessions. Maybe It will be enough to keep me going for now? Gosh, I hope so.

My heart is ready to leave my chest when I unlock my phone and open the contacts to dial his number. My hands are shaking while trying to write it down.

Okay, now what? What should I text him?

Hello! It is (Y/N), the desperate broke girl you offer to model for you 5 days ago.

Okay, too much info! Come on, (Y/N)! Be professional. I try to delete it but, because I am (Y/N) and luck is never on my side, I click on the send button.

Shit! Fuck! The hell! Stupid bitch! I guess I just lost the job before even being able to get it. Great. Just fucking great. Should I at least try to somehow improve the situation? To make myself not look like a fucking loser? As if the last one is possible.

All of a sudden my phone starts ringing which put me in panic mode. It’s him. What do I do? What do I do?

‘Hello?’, I curse at myself how shaky and high-pitched my voice sounded.

‘Hello, dear!’, oh my sweet gosh, his voice sounded so much better than in the memories I had from that night. It was deep, smooth, feeling as though honey was running through my veins, ‘I did not think you would ever call.’, I can sense the smile in his voice.

‘Well, my schedule is kind of full’, I wish there was somebody there to slap me and pour some sense into me.

‘I am glad you found time for me then.’, he laughs and at this point I had the feeling my heart will just give up and stop beating, ‘Have you considered my offer?’

‘I- I kind of have some questions before we start a-’

‘Before we start?’, chuckling he continues, ‘I take that as a yes. When are you free to start my dear?’

‘Um, I guess today? But I want to know wh-’

‘That’s the best news I could hear today! How about you come tonight and we start? I will answer your questions and you will see what you should do and eventually if you want to stop, I will respect your decision.’

‘Well?’, he asks after some moments of silence which I didn’t even realize have slipped.

‘What time do you want me tonight?’

If you want to be tagged in the next parts, please let me know :) <3

[transthaumaturge]

Ace Attorney and the Finally Kind-Of Okay Queer Representation

Note: This post contains massive spoilers for Turnabout Academy, the third case in the 3DS game Ace Attorney: Dual Destinies. There are also spoilers for a few cases in the earlier games. Please only read on if you’re okay with that.

I love Ace Attorney, but as a series it is fraught with bad queer representation. It really says something that the first queer character that I felt pretty good about was five games in. Most of this bad rep is in the form of effeminate, gay-coded men that are written as evil and/or comic relief. A brief rundown:

1) Redd White, the power-hungry CEO of Bluecorp;

2) Jean Armstrong, the cowardly café owner who lied on the stand (and who is repeatedly misgendered by the judge for comic relief);

3) Florent L’Belle, the greedy Mayor’s Aid.

All three characters are presented as a mix of negative stereotypes and bad-faith comic relief. They’re dark spots in an otherwise really fun series, and it’s made me very uncomfortable interacting with each one as I’ve played through the cases. I’ve never felt worse about Ace Attorney than when it’s punching down on gay-coded characters, all of whom were written with no redeemable qualities. I mean, two of them were the actual murderers in their respective cases! Honestly, it just sucked.

That’s why I got so excited (and also super-nervous they would botch it again) today while playing through Turnabout Academy, at the moment when one of the characters is revealed to be explicitly trans. I’ll go over the general facts and then discuss why this was a step in the right direction, but still very flawed.

In the case, Robin Newman is a high school law student and a close friend of the defendant. In the early stages of the case, Robin presents as a very masculine individual and even wears a chest brace that is supposedly proof of her manliness. This whole time, she’s represented as a very aggressive and unhappy person. But on the first day of the case, it’s revealed that she put on a feminine costume belonging to the defendant because she really wanted to wear something girly. When further pressed, she comes out in the courtroom and reveals that she’s actually a girl—the chest brace was hiding the fact that she had breasts, and her parents raised her as a boy as some terrible step in forcing her to become a prosecutor when she grew up. Afterward, she’s a very cheerful, peppy person and says that she’s grateful she finally gets to live life as a girl and pursue her dream of becoming an artist.

As a trans woman myself, I started getting really excited as soon as it became clear that Robin put on the outfit—and even more excited when it was finally revealed that she was a girl who had been raised as a boy. The first thing that tipped me off to my gender identity was wanting to wear women’s clothing, so this gender euphoria through clothing scenario was something that I could relate to on a deep emotional level. And while I got nervous at first because the blame for the murder was briefly pinned on her, that ultimately goes nowhere. This is the first queer character in an Ace Attorney game that is represented as kind, positive, and trustworthy. Robin is wonderful. I love her so much.

But now I want to dive into where parts of her portrayal are still negative, and how Capcom made several missteps that ultimately resulted in Robin not being as fleshed-out and three-dimensional as she deserved to be.

First, Robin’s reveal is still treated like comic relief at times. I was really uncomfortable when several characters said “he was a she???” or something to that effect. Given that “he-she” was once a widely used transphobic slur for trans women, it wasn’t in good taste. Also uncomfortable was the fact that as soon as the big reveal happened, she took on a bunch of hyperfeminine behavioral and vocal tics. The worst was when she started swooning every time that anything shocking happened for the rest of the time she was on the stand. It felt like this was just a way to play up the comedy side of “hey, she’s a girl now.” She was forcibly outed in the courtroom, and then magically showed no trauma or self-doubt afterward. It almost felt like she wasn’t there to be a serious character anymore. Later, she thanks Athena for outing her. I think that sends the wrong message.

What did the game do right when portraying her? I loved how visibly relieved and happy she was after coming out, though it sucks that she didn’t get to do it on her own terms. It’s later revealed that she had confided in a professor about her gender identity and had a plan to come out to the school, so that was a nice touch. I also really liked it being mentioned that she had been raised as a boy, removing most of the ambiguity about what we were seeing—that this wasn’t a self-imposed repression of her authentic self, but something that had been forced on her. They used the right pronouns for her throughout the entire rest of the case without slipping up even once, thankfully not misgendering her for laughs like they did relentlessly with Jean Armstrong two games earlier. She was also just a really pleasant character to be around afterward, so that was nice.

What would be on my wish list if I were asked to help in rewriting Robin to be a more positive example of trans representation? First, I would fix her character’s comedic behavioral tics. Most witnesses have some silly animations, but the fact that all of her tics after being outed were hyperfeminine to the point of parody made me uncomfortable. Are there other ways to make her a bit quirky and visibly feminine without punching down on her burgeoning relationship with her gender? I’m sure that there are. It would also be nice for her reaction to being out in public for the first time to be more on par with what you might actually expect if a trans woman found herself in that situation. She probably feels relieved, but also a bit scared, embarrassed, and hesitant about how she’s supposed to act now. I would love to see some of that reflected in how she talks and in how she acts. Maybe she’s daydreaming of what she can wear now that she’s out, and that’s interspersed with nervous hair-twirling and curtsying at awkward times.

I’d also like her to say something to Athena about how she wished that she wasn’t forced to come out in front of a bunch of people like that, but she’s happy that she gets to be herself. Anything other than thanking Athena for outing her with no qualifiers. The fact that she was forcibly outed needs to be portrayed as a traumatic moment. Sure, something good came out of it and Athena didn’t immediately realize that that’s where the cross-examination was going, but it shouldn’t have happened. An apology from Athena would also be nice. She should feel at least a little bit guilty about outing someone in the middle of a courtroom, even if that someone was much happier afterwards.

Finally, I’d love for there to be less ambiguity about the events that led her to this point—and ideally, something that more explicitly shows that she’s a trans woman. The way her dialogue was written, I think the writers were trying to portray her as having been assigned female at birth, but later forced by her parents to take on a male identity for…some reason. It’s never explained why they would want to inflict that on her. She’s trans regardless of her sex at birth if she was forced to live life as a boy for her entire childhood, but I think that it could be handled better. A few possibilities that I like more:

1) She was already in the middle of gender transition, and started wearing the chest brace when her breasts began to develop since she wasn’t ready to be out in public—especially to her parents, who might have cut her financial support off if they had known. After all, she was at a prestigious private legal school. That must have been a concern.

2) She was intersex, and her parents raised her as a boy when she was growing up because that’s unfortunately what happens so often with intersex children—they’re forced into one side of the binary or the other, and sometimes they find out later on that their parents didn’t make the right choice or that they don’t identify with a binary gender identity at all. Robin had breasts because she was born with both male and female sex characteristics, and try as her parents might to force her into manhood, she still had a uterus. Not every intersex person is trans, but plenty are.

3) Or just…remove the bit where she’s revealed to have breasts altogether, and keep in the fact that she’s a girl who was raised as a boy! Why does she have to be “a biological female in disguise”? While either of the above two options would have been good ways to explain the fact that she had breasts, I’m not giving the writers enough credit to have thought of one or the other. If they had, it would have been hinted at. On some level, it felt like they were saying “it’s okay everyone, she’s not really trans. Look, she had breasts all along!” If that’s what they were trying to do, then screw it; just change the reveal but nothing else about the character, and make her an unabashedly AMAB trans woman.

Anyway, those are my thoughts on the topic. I recognize that this was super long-winded, but I needed to get my thoughts out—anyone who’s interested in this and got something from the long read, I’m glad that I was able to provide some insight. And I’m not even done with the series yet! Maybe they did do better! I don’t have my hopes up, but maybe! Anyway, please feel free to reblog this post with your thoughts or message me if this inspired any opinions of your own. As long as those thoughts aren’t “Robin isn’t really trans or queer at all.” I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

Have a great day, everyone! And thanks for reading!