#i always feel so tired trying to post things. my brain sucks <3

[mykocalico]

seeing mermay stuff made me wanna draw fishie. and i kept thinking about cetacean mermaids and uhhh yeah 👍

i was gonna draw more weird mermaids but i got tired and i’d like to post this while it’s still may so. you get dumb doodles bc i don’t like posting One (1) image

[arolesbianism]

Some Brute doodles plus a bonus Button

[sailoryooons]

hiiii :3 i’m a VERY silent reader (i’m terrified of my irls finding me on this god forsaken app) but i just love your writings so much so i had to participate in the agust event!!!!

childhood bffs yoongi x reader smut where they’re definitely probably too close, way closer than bffs should be anyways. reader goes to yoongi one night complaining bc no matter what she does, she just can’t cum! good thing yoongi’s actions speak louder than words <3

pls pls pls get totally creative w this, i love ur brain sm and i love seeing what you come up with!!!

❀ Pairing: Yoongi x f. reader

❀ Summary: Yoongi has always been your closest friend, but it’s always been a little closer than everyone else. He takes it one step further, offering to address a silly little problem for you. 

❀ Word Count: 2,320

❀ Genre: Friends to something more, PWP 

❀ Rating: 18+ Minors are strictly prohibited from engaging and reading this content. It contains explicit content and any minors discovered reading or engaging with this work will be blocked immediately. 

❀ Warnings: Explicit language, some feelings of insecurity but like barely, talking about orgasm struggles, explicit sexual content including vaginal fingering, nipple stimulation, a hint of choking, a lot of sucking on neck/throat, nipple play, mostly reader getting finger blasted sdfnodsifgj, reader is completely naked and Yoongi is still clothed, mentions of oral (f. receiving), a little bit of cum eating

❀ Published: August 23, 2022

❀ A/N: Okay so this was supposed to be posted way earlier than 10:30 PM EST but I completely forgot I had this sitting and waiting to post (it was a long day) but HERE IT IS!!! I love the idea of Yoongi casually just being like yeah I’ll get you to come or whatever, let’s do it sdfjdfogijdfrgi thank you so much for being a reader and requesting something - silent or talkative reader, I'm just happy you're here and that you enjoy my writing! Thank you for being here.

❀ Disclaimer: All members of BTS are faces and name claims for this story. This is entirely a work of fiction and by no means is meant to be a projection, judgment or representation of real-life people. Any scenarios or representations of the people and places mentioned in works are not representative of real-life scenarios.

| Masterlist | Ask | Hali’s Happy Agust |

“You what?” You ask Yoongi, breath shaky. “Don’t play around like that, it’s not very funny.”

It’s rare that you can’t tell if Yoongi is making a joke or not. Though his humor is quiet like the night sky outside and soft like the sweater he’s draped in, you know Yoongi. Know him well enough to detect the subtle notes of a joke in his hushed words, know to listen amid the loud voices of your friends for a quiet jest, spoken softly just for you. 

Now, though, you’re a little unsure. 

Everyone has said for years that your friendship with Yoongi is too friendly. You vehemently disagree: affection between friends should be encouraged and treasured. Being able to platonically hold hands, share beds, and offer physical affection isn’t something reserved for lovers. You adamantly believe in this - always have. 

But… it is different with Yoongi. You think about how you always hold Taehyung’s hand, how you let him curl into your side during movies, or how he nests in your bed when he grows too tired for parties. Taehyung is particularly affectionate, but it does feel different.

“Let me make you cum,” Yoongi repeats, as though he’s reflecting on the weather outside. He’s on his knees on the couch next to you, hands resting in his lap. “No one should have to go through their adult life without partners making them cum.”

You roll your eyes. “Plenty of people can’t cum for a number of reasons, Yoongi.”

“Okay, that’s fair. Let me try anyway.”

“Why do you care?”

He tilts his head. “Because you’re you. And I’m good at making people cum. It feels like an obvious answer.”

“We’re best friends.”

“My point exactly. Look, if I’ve made you uncomfortable, I’m sorry, I-”

You shake your head and wave him off. “No, I just. Didn’t expect the offer and it made me nervous.”

“Nervous how?”

Letting out a long exhale, you rest your head on the back of the couch and look up at the ceiling. Your warm mug of tea is abandoned and the drama on the TV plays on, silent in the background. You chew the inside of your cheek, wondering how to string your words together. 

With anyone else, you’d feel embarrassed or nervous. With Yoongi, your anxiety is significantly less. Even if you speak the words on your mind, you’re sure it won’t change things. You’ve been through your fair share of oversharing, never shamed, never turned away. 

It’s how you started this conversation about your sex life in the first place.

So you decide to be honest. 

“Nervous like, I’m into it and I want to try it out, but I don’t want it to make our dynamic weird.” 

“It’s not weird for me if it’s not weird for you. I’m sorry I offered so bluntly.” 

Your lips twitch and you reach out, taking his hand in yours. Yoongi has beautiful hands. Long fingers with knobby knuckles, blunt nails and gentle fingertips, calloused palms. You’ve mapped the structure of his palm hundreds of times, know the shapes of the lines on them, and watched a palm reader chart the stars on them. 

Yoongi’s hands are where you’re safest. 

“Don’t apologize, you didn’t violate a boundary.” His mouth is soft when he smiles, his eyes are dark when he watches you. He’s so pretty. A soft thing with round cheeks, kind eyes, and gentle smiles. Quiet. Confident. “You really wanna try?” 

Yoongi’s grin turns feral. “I do.” 

“Alright.”

It starts with him leading you to your room, hand holding yours gently. It starts with a shy smile and hungry eyes, Yoongi watching you as you sit on the edge of your bed, unsure and giving him a questioning gaze. His hands are confident when he makes you move backward, shuffling until you’re in the middle of your bed on your back. 

Yoongi joins you on the bed, kneeling next to you. He watches as he reaches out, brushing his fingertips over your thigh. His touch is featherlight, making you shiver. He doesn’t do anything but this at first, tracing the shape of your clothed hip, up the sides of your rips, under the curve of your breast. 

Your breath catches, fixated on Yoongi as he outlines your curves. His eyes flicker to your face, drinking in your expression when he draws his fingers over the swell of your tits and over your nipple. The stimulation is barely there but it spikes. You inhale sharply and he smirks as he keeps going, brushing over your throat, and under your jaw, feeling your pulse. 

“Pretty,” he murmurs. He takes you by the chin, thumb pulling at your bottom lip. “What do you like?” 

It’s hard to answer. Yoongi’s hand leaves your mouth and trails back down to your neck. He wraps his fingers around your throat but doesn’t squeeze. It’s a barely-there ghost of a grip and he raises his eyebrow. You nod, unable to string together an answer. He squeezes gently before continuing his exploration downward again.

Your tongue is heavy in your mouth. This Yoongi is one you’ve never experienced. He’s quiet as always, but the silence is heavier. Pointed. He bites his bottom lip a little as he passes your stomach and dips between your legs, pressing against your clothed cunt. 

“Yeah?” he asks when your hips twice. 

You feel heat lick through you, pooling between your legs. Your fingers twist in the sheets in anticipation. Heat pulses from your pussy, panties getting damp and Yoongi’s has barely touched you. It’s the way he looks at you, the way he presses his thumb against your swelling clit. 

“Yeah,” you breathe, voice watery. “I’m pretty into it.”

“I can tell,” he teases. He leans down, keeping one hand between your legs, gently applying pressure and circling his fingers as his lips search for yours. “You’re already wet, huh?”

Yoongi doesn’t let you answer. His lips capture yours and you sigh into his mouth, hands coming up automatically to wrap around his neck. It feels so natural. His hair is soft between your fingers and his mouth is warm, tasting faintly of the peppermint tea he drank earlier. 

Kissing Yoongi is heady. He controls the kiss, keeping the pace slow as if he’s savoring you. Your thighs close around his hand as he presses through your shorts harder. When he introduces his tongue to your mouth, it takes your breath away. 

Breaking the kiss, Yoongi mouths at your jaw. You arch into him, running your hands down his chest, feeling the warm skin beneath his sweater. One of your hands goes to his wrist pressed into the mattress by your head, holding onto him, the other goes to his hand between your legs, laying your fingers on his, pressing.

He hums, the buzz of his mouth against the underside of your jaw maddening. Together, you peel your shorts down your legs. Yoongi shuffles closer to you, your thigh pressed against his as he continues to kneel next to you, heat radiating from his body.

Yoongi traces the trim of your panties. You watch him, your mouth parted as you breathe unsteadily. He is solely focused on you. You can feel the slick sticking to the silk, watching as he drags a finger near your hip, his touch tantalizing. 

Maybe this is what you were missing. Yoongi takes his time, dragging out the feeling of his hands on you. Works you up as he removes your shirt and bra next. You feel drunk on him already, nipples pebbling in the cold room. His nails scratch lightly up your stomach to your chest. He smirks as he traces slow, lazy circles around your nipples, eyes glancing up to watch your expression. 

“Why?” you ask, hissing at the light stimulation. You want more. 

“No one is in a rush,” he mutters. His voice is low, raspy. “Are you?”

When you shake your head, he smiles, pinching a nipple between two fingers. A curse drips from your mouth and your hips buck. You close your eyes, letting Yoongi tweak one nipple then the other, letting him guide you through. The stimulation feels good - otherworldly, even, when he bends down and flicks the tip of his tongue over one playfully. 

“No,” you sigh. “Not in a rush.” 

His teeth scrape your sensitive bud and your head rolls back, pushing into the mattress. “Good. Relax, let me take care of you.”

Tension melts out of your body. You didn’t realize you were so tense until he pointed it out. You let yourself sink into the feeling of Yoongi sucking gently on the peak of your right nipple while his thumb brushes back and forth over the other. The stimulation feels good, your head lolling to the side as you breath shakily. 

Yoongi is slow. He takes his time running his tongue across your chest, air cooling is spit as he goes. You squeeze your thighs together, feeling your cunt throb for attention. He notices, nipping his way back up to your neck as he slides a hand down between your legs, pressing your panties into your sticky folds. 

“Fuck,” you sigh. He nuzzles your neck, tongue swipe over the sensitive spot of your throat. “I don’t think I’ve ever been this fucking wet.”

“Good.” His words are muffle as he sucks at your tender skin. You angle your head, giving him better access. It feels like the bed is spinning wildly, a compass lost in an electromagnetic field. “Tell me at any point if something doesn’t feel good or you want something else.”

“Okay.”

You open your eyes and smile. It’s so Yoongi to make sure he asks what you want. So Yoongi to remind you that he’s here for you. That as he slips his hand under the waistband of your underwear, he’s determined to provide for you. To get you off. 

A moan slips out of your mouth when it comes into contact with your dripping cunt. He avoids touching your clit directly, fingers spreading your folds as he teases your hole experimentally. It feels good - whether it’s because it’s Yoongi or because you’re already worked up, it doesn’t matter. 

Yoongi circles around your clit deftly a few times, making your hips wiggle. A tingle settles in your stomach, fingers twisting in the sheets.

When he retracts his hand, you open your eyes. He watches you steadily lifting his fingers to pop them between pink lips and oh. He hums around his fingers, making a show of rolling his tongue around them, tasting your juices. He slides them slowly out of his mouth, hypnotizing you. 

“Mmm.” He grins and reaches to slide your underwear off. “Can’t wait to eat you out. First, I’m gonna make you come.”

Never in your friendship would you have imagined Yoongi to be like this. It would be a lie to say you’d never thought what it might be like to have him like this, his hands peeling your underwear off. The scrap of the silk on your legs is heady, every part of your skin extra sensitive. 

Lips parts, eyes fixed, you watch him toss the underwear to the side. He shuffles so that one knee rests against his leg, the other spread flat on the mattress for him. There is a split second where you feel vulnerable, spread open for him to see how much of a mess you are at the barely stimulation. You start to close your leg but Yoongi shakes his head, hand brushing down your inner thigh.

Slowly, Yoongi drags a finger up your slit to your entrance, massaging lightly with his finger before sinking in slowly. You let out a long breath, your walls clenching around his finger. It doesn’t provide a lot of stretch, but it feels good, the pad of his pointer stroking your inner wall. 

At first, Yoongi is slow. Familiarizing himself with your warm, wet heat. He picks up the pace then, stroking deeply, ensuring to push up against that soft spot inside of you. It drives you crazy. Crazier, still, when he leans down and attaches his mouth to yours, tongues tangling as he fingers you leisurely. 

“Fuck,” Yoongi mutters against your mouth. “You’ve got a wet little cunt.”

“Not usually,” you admit. You card your fingers through his hair, pulling at the ends a little. Your entire body is radiating with heat, sweat slicking your skin. “Fuck, it feels good. Doesn’t usually.”

“No?” he sucks harshly at your jaw and your eyes flutter shut. 

“No. Usually they jack hammer their fingers into my pussy.”

His laugh is hot on your skin. “Nah, just gotta find the spot.” 

Yoongi has found the spot. Makes it ten times better when he adds another finger, giving you something more substantial to grip on. Your cunt grips his fingers like a vice, slick sounds filling the room. He adds his thumb to the mix, pressing down on your clit. You gasp his name, hips bucking against his hand, dripping into his palm.

“Fuck yeah,” he grunts. “Fuck yourself onto my hand the way you like.” 

Together, you work yourself up to the edge. Yoongi doesn’t pause for a moment, doesn’t complain that his wrist is tired, doesn’t stop tonguing your sensitive spot on your neck until you’re clinging to him, coming around his fingers in a wet, messy squelch. 

You shake as he thrusts his fingers a few more times, the slopping sound of his palms smacking your pussy intoxicating. You feel like liquid, blurry at the edges and warm. 

“Holy shit,” you sigh. Yoongi pulls his fingers from your hole and you immediately squirm, hating the empty feeling. “That was just from your fingers?”

“Uh huh.” You watch as he licks his fingers again, grinning around them. Your stomach flips, cunt still leaking, begging for more. “Now watch what happens when I eat this pussy.” 

[satonpie]

“My homie as soon as a 20 dollar bill is involved” but unironically??

I want to be a sworn little straightie but without even a dollar in my pocket so I always have to bargain with my friends to have something to eat when we go out.

Until one of our friends jokes about me sucking his cock for a 20 piece. I get really defensive but he insists.

“You barely pull your weight with us. I honestly don’t see a reason to keep hanging out with you being a money siphon n shit.”

I’m really hurt by his words but I can’t really deny them. All I do is stay by them and ask for food… and without that I don’t really have much of a life so I don’t have a choice!

So we back into an alley and I hesitantly kneel down and wait…

“Hurry it up, fag. I’m tired of doing all the work for you.”

Silently I reach to undo his pants, the others chuckling and calling me a bitch. But I can’t shake off that this feels… good…

I pull his pants down and I’m met with his hard dick slapping against my chin, sending the others into a laughing fit while I’m blushing, embarrassed.

“Y-You guys are gross-“

This is the first time I see one up close, can’t say I ever expected to. I’m hit with the strong smell of a hard member which unexpectedly gives me butterflies in my stomach and cheeks…

“Well? Hurry it up sissy. Quit staring at it like a damn dog and pay for your food.”

Ten long minutes pass in that alleyway with me trying my best to recreate what I’ve seen in porn. Bobbing up and down with it in my mouth and clumsily rubbing it with my tongue as it goes by. He’s on his phone, disinterested to what’s going on and flicking through his favourite material trying to get off on my less-than-adequate head.

He finally snaps out of boredom and pushes my head off his dick.

“You’re gonna have to do better than that for me to keep you around dumbass”

He grabs me by the hair and holds me in front of his cock before furiously jerking it off with his other hand, holding his tip up to my dazed mouth.

“H-how’s This for a free meal you f-fucking twat”

I feel his seed shoot into the back of my mouth, filling my throat with it and leaving me no choice but to swallow. Can’t make any messes that would make him angrier…

I did eventually get my chicken nuggets and no one spoke about that moment the rest of the day. Things went by as they normally would. Except I couldn’t shake off how hard I got during all of it

When I got to my shitty little apartment, I hopped into my bedroom and fantasized. Thinking back on the affair and I got all tingly again. I touched myself to the thought, calling myself a dumb gay fag for enjoying it. Not just the head but the constant name calling and humiliation. Was i really not just into girls? No time for my dumb cock drunk brain to think though, I was too absorbed in these little fantasies.

I came… and i came again… and again… faster than any time I would touch it to the thought of topping a cute girl. My mind was all around strong men making me slobber on their fat, smelly, hard cocks. Slapping my face with it, cumming on my face and on my soft, barely masculine chest…

And when I was done, I curled up in bed and tried to fall asleep despite the post-nut voice screaming about how much of a fag I am. I cant admit this to anyone… but maybe I’ll keep accepting these little bargains from my friend ♥️

-

Hope this goes without saying but this didn’t really happen (sadly 😞) I just realized halfway through I wrote this in past tense

…I Like orientation play a lot

Bye :3

[scientia-rex]

Some Thoughts on Antipsychotic Medications

Ok, enough of you seemed interested in this when I asked in my antidepressant post (don't ask me for a link, search my goddamn tumblr for it, oh my GOD people were so lazy about my post on bariatric surgery). Once again, this is NOT medical advice, medical advice must be TAILORED TO THE INDIVIDUAL, that's the whole POINT of a professional field, literally every answer is "it depends" and without being your doctor, which I better not be because if you're my patient reading this I need to nuke my entire social media presence, I can't give you good advice and I wouldn't anyway because I already work 115% time and I'm very tired and you don't pay me.

There's a lot of crossover between "antipsychotic" and "mood stabilizer." I don't have as much experience with antipsychotics as I do with antidepressants, but more than your average bear. So you may see a med here and go "wait, what?" because of that overlap.

It's also worth discussing what psychosis is. There are a lot of media representations, and they are generally very stupid and bad. About 3% of the population will have a psychotic episode in their lifetime, so keep that in mind when you're talking about psychosis. There's about a 1 in 30 chance that the person you're talking to will actually have had psychosis, and a much higher chance that someone they know or love will. So don't be a dick about it. Psychosis involves losing the ability to distinguish what is reality and what is not. It seems to involve overactivity of dopaminergic transmission in specific brain pathways. It tends to be very frightening for its sufferers, although not always. Psychotic symptoms can range from a persistent delusion--I have one patient who is quite simply certain that they have worms in their lungs, despite all the tests indicating that they don't--to hallucinations of voices, to visual hallucinations, and any combination of those. Delusions and hallucinations are often negatively valenced, which means that they make the sufferer feel bad in some way, whether it's an auditory hallucination of someone telling you you're the devil, or a delusion that you're being persecuted by conspiracies for unclear reasons, or hallucinations of shadowy figures out of the corner of your eye. Delusions, when I see them in my patient, often reflect a patient's deepest fear. I had one patient who was a caregiver and they were fixated on the idea that there was a conspiracy of people watching them and setting up "tests" to make sure they weren't hurting patients or doing drugs.

It's also worth mentioning meth. Meth is one of the major causes I see of psychotic symptoms (especially since I'm in a rural area), and you need to understand that the longer and the more you do meth, the higher the likelihood of persistent psychotic symptoms. When I was a med student on an inpatient high-acuity psych ward, I had a very pleasant gentleman who'd been doing meth for years. It's tough to get a clear history, but my impression was that he probably hadn't developed psychotic symptoms until multiple years into daily use of meth--but now, despite being on the ward for over a week, there was no sign of the psychosis going away. He believed he could say things to passing cars and the sound would travel with the car, and someone miles away would hear it. He also believed there were indistinct white figures who hovered around his campsite. (He was homeless.) Meth can break your brain. Don't do meth.

The original antipsychotics are old school. We're talking the 1930s. Promethazine was developed in the process of trying to come up with antihistamines. First-generation antipsychotics are dopamine antagonists, and that means that they're blocking a large proportion of dopaminergic transmission both in the brain pathways related to psychotic symptoms, but also in the pathways related to reward, which sucks. When you think of "antipsychotics," this is most likely what you're thinking of unless you have personal experience with antipsychotics. First-generation antipsychotics include haloperidol (Haldol), chlorpromazine (Thorazine), and a handful of others, but it's a smaller class than the second generation.

Second-generation antipsychotics were a game changer. These are serotonin-dopamine antagonists. They include risperidone (Risperdal), paliperidone (Invega-Sustenna), quetiapine (Seroquel), aripiprazole (Abilify), olanzapine (Zyprexa), lurasidone (Latuda), ziprasidone (Geodon), and also clozapine, AKA the antipsychotic everyone hates prescribing because it can cause your white blood cells to suddenly go bye-bye and boom, you're at huge risk for infection. The only patient I've ever seen develop clear, unambiguous serotonin syndrome was on clozapine. I don't prescribe it as an outpatient family doctor; it's a medication of last resort, and more often seen in inpatient settings due to the need for frequent blood tests to monitor.

Because the brain is a great recycler, we also use dopamine in the control of our movements. This means that one of the more serious side effects of antipsychotics is a problem with movement. This is typically going to be something called "tardive dyskinesia," which means "slow messed up movement," but in Greek because we're fancy. TD is dreaded because we can't always reverse it. A medication called benztropine can help, but the better option, if at all possible, is to get someone off the medication that called the TD in the first place.

If you're keeping track, you're noticing that dopamine does a lot in the brain: the reward pathway, psychotic symptoms, movement. Your body also uses it for stuff outside the brain, like affecting gut motility and blood vessel dilation. It is really hard to come up with medications that only affect one thing, because the body will use the same messaging systems over and over. This is a big part of why there's some much cross-talk between medications that are ostensibly for one thing but used for many other things.

First-generation antipsychotics can be particularly bad about making people feel flat and incapable of feeling joy. The technical term for "incapable of feeling joy" is "anhedonia," Greek again, this time for "no happiness." This is incredibly punishing and people will often go off their meds in order to feel something. I don't want to hear any bullshit blaming people who do this. You probably would too, and learning not to throw rocks from a glass house is critical to being a decent fucking human being. However, it does mean that I have much more success keeping patients on second-generation antipsychotics. There is both a lower risk of anhedonia and a lower risk of TD, so in general, unless someone doesn't respond to second-generation antipsychotics, they won't be started on a first-generation. I have absolutely used first-gen antipsychotics for patients but they're more typical in the inpatient setting, where it's okay--and sometimes a good thing--if someone is sedated. One memorable example was in an emergency department where a woman was violent and had to be restrained with both physical restraints and a spit hood. We can't just go around sedating people these days--that's a whole-ass thing, because for a long time "treatment" in inpatient facilities was too often taken to be "sedation"--but boy howdy, she needed some Haldol.

I also work part time at the county jail, and while I again try hard not to use first-generation psychotics in patients who didn't come in on them, there are patients who actively request Haldol because they hate how being totally wound up and psychotic feels. I write for them to have as-needed oral doses. This means if they ask the jail nurse for it, they can get it, and it helps immensely.

The leading cause of death for patients with mental illness is heart disease. Antipsychotics tend to cause weight gain, and that is not only psychologically distressing to my patients because we live in a fatphobic world, it's probably related to worsened insulin function. Unfortunately, just putting everyone on an antipsychotic on preventative metformin (a medication that improves insulin sensitivity) also didn't work when we tried it, so we don't do that. But it's scary. I'm actually really hopeful that this new GLP-1 agonist med class that's in constant shortages because it causes weight loss (Ozempic, Wegovy, etc.) will be an option to help improve long-term health for psychotic patients. Some antipsychotics are worse than others for weight gain, but there are few genuine head to head comparisons of effectiveness, so I can't say "X works better than Y," we just have to pick one based on a) my familiarity with it and b) whether it seems like a good idea. I also feel it is better to be fat than dead, so if someone needs one of the more fat-inducing antipsychotics to live their life and/or have a decent quality of life, I'll prescribe it and I fucking dare you to talk shit, I will eat you.

My clinical experience has been that Seroquel and Abilify are the best-tolerated antipsychotics. I don't know why. Someone else might, but those are the ones I usually reach for unless someone is having really severe symptoms, in which case I think risperidone works faster. Data are, again, generally pretty weak.

But mostly I want you to remember that psychosis is not a funny punchline, "psychotic" is a shitty fucking insult to use, and someone you know and love probably has psychosis. Some people have a single break and it never happens again, some people can control it with medication, some people need to be institutionalized. It's a life-changing illness and people with severe psychosis, yes, even the weird ones who scare you, are still human beings whose lives have exactly the same inherent value as yours, and who deserve the exact same inalienable human rights as you do. Any other approach is garbage. Human rights are not negotiable.

[outerbankspov]

Hi! I hope you are doing well!! How about a blurb where Rafe's girlfriend is really stressed about exams and wants to give up but Rafe says she can't and he bribes her with sex? Maybe something new she's been wanting to try out? Thank you so much!!!! 💕💕💕

word count- 900+ WARNING- SMUT! Sorry for posting now <3

Finals were coming in strong.. I mean 3 classes wants you to do a 5 page essay in a week?? You haven’t really had time for Rafe and friends more so yourself and you have been stressing yourself out. Rafe had let it be knowing how you get when people bother you when you are working but he’s had enough. Seeing his baby so stressed out made him stressed out and he needed to do something about it FAST!!

“Hey baby.” His soft voice relaxed the tension in your brain as you put your pencil down and looks towards him. “Hm?” You hum with tired eyes and smile. “How about you come and relax. Hm? Maybe run you a bath?” He tells me. Knowing him he’s gonna try to get me out from this bubble I’ve trapped myself in. “No it’s okay. I’m just… almost done. One more paper!” I say trying to convinced not only him but myself that I’m okay.

“Baby, you are tired. I can see that. Come over please” he tries again but I shake my head a blow him a kiss before getting straight back to work. I can feel him staring at me but I pay no attention to him, knowing that if I look I would fall for whatever trap he’s trying to put me in.

“Please” he whispers. I close my eyes at the way he said it. So soft and beautiful i almost fall for it. “I love you. But I really really need to get this done” I say before I get more distracted I leaned in the table and took my laptop out and finished half of it on there. After an hour I sigh.

“Rafe this is- so fucking exhausting. Can I just give up-” I try to say but he’s already up and walking to me. “Not an option. Baby come on you made me realize that you need to get this done. You have a dream and goals so to make that happen you have to work for it. I know how brutal that sounds but it’s true.” I smile up at him and agree.

“I just- been doing this for so so long I’m just tired of it. Tired of being this way.” I wipe a tear from my eye and he gets down on his knees. “How about you take a break now and let me work you and those muscles of yours, let you try something you’ve always wanted to Try. How’s that sound?”

You're Not Sure if he noticed how your eyes got big and he smiles widely. “Really?” My voice was small and he chuckles. “Hell yeah what you wanna try?” you and Rafe had sex many times but he has NEVER given you head. it's not because he doesn't want to.. he really does, like really really does but you wasn’t ready… now since he mentioned things you’ve always wanted to try in your both sex lives.

"Can you baby.. give me head?" you say in a small voice. his eyes almost came out. "my baby wants me to eat her out? you're so dirty" he groans and picks you up, laying you flat on our bed and kissing your stomach as lowers your shorts and panties. he smirks and opens your legs to see a wet mess between them. "look at you" he stares in awe like he’s never seen anything like this before. “You ready baby?” He asks looking up at you, leaning his chin on your thighs. You let out a breath and nod. “Words” he raises his brow and smirks. You moan out at that and mumble a “please” he kisses your pussy and you watch closely. “Rafe,” she says already out of breath. “Do your worst” his eyes grew darker and he licks a long swipe up your pussy, you let out a ruin moaned and he smirked. glad that he can finally taste you, he's been wanting to for so long! "Rafe baby, that feels so good."

He sucks her clit Into his mouth and moans which sends vibrations all over her body. making her hips thrust up. "daddy's got you" he says Calmly. you clench around his fingers and he laughs, making your cheeks turn red. "looks like someone has a daddy kink" he smirks. he's so cocky you love and hate it. he pulls back and looks into your eyes, his dark blue. "you trust me?" he asked softly, rubbing his hands up and down your thighs. "always" you say without hesitation. he nods and looks down at your wet pussy and licks his lips before spitting on it and kissing your clit softly before devouring you.

A choke-up moan escaped your mouth as you wrap your legs around his shoulders, he pulls you closer and smirks when he hears your moans, knowing that you are about to cum. "cum for me baby, I can feel it" and you did, you cum so hard you see white and your moans are so loud you're sure the whole block can hear you. "shit Rafe" he pulls away after cleaning you up and smirks. "how'd I do?" you roll your eyes and pulls your underwear up before crawling to him and sitting on his lap. "please do that to me every night for the rest of our lives Rafe Cameron" you say with a smirk. "hell yeah" he kisses your lips and you begin to grind on him. "my turn" you smirk.

[inklore]

hi my love! do you have any writing tips? and words of encouragement when fics flop :(

hi darling <3 i feel like i always suck at giving writing tips but i'll try my very best for you ok. i hope some of these help! also very honored you'd even ask me 🤎

first and foremost: don't compare your writing to anyone else. everyone writes different, everyone has a certain style, a niche. if you're worried you don't have a 'style' don't, because you do. everyone does. it's not something you can make yourself have or take from others, it comes naturally with how your brain works and how it curates words and prose and scenes. that's why no book, no writing, is ever the same even if it's the same source material. it's a beautiful thing so don't stress about trying to make your writing sound or 'read' like other writers. it'll only ruin the enjoyment of how you write!

if you want to write more detailed just remember that not everything in a scene needs to be put down. the more you give the reader room to fill in the blanks and set the scene themselves the better experience for them (at least that's the case for my brain, others may feel different, but doing it this way makes me feel like i'm not adding too much detail or being repetitive). but visualizing, setting the scene for yourself through music or daydreaming is another great tip to write more detailed.

when it comes to smut i am a huge stan of you don't have to say the anatomically correct part they're using (like the p words or c word), and describing what it feels like to have that part touched, grazed, etc is really great. i struggle with fear of repeating myself so i try to find creative ways to describe body parts without actually calling them like flowery/nouns/different synonyms. i hope that made sense lmao.

don't worry about edits or making everything flow completely well in the first take. i highly rec everyone editing their own work and reading it back to themselves, yes it's tiring but it helps you find flow mistakes, add more detail, take something out that you thought fit in the moment but doesn't really. that's why i get everything out the first get go in a kind of fever dream manner and then when i go back to edit it then i buff out everything, add more, take away something, add more details that will make a scene pop off more.

now for the encouragement when it comes to flops: it's going to happen. there's no secret to making something do amazing or something failing. there really isn't and someone who says there is has just had a few lucky posts. because having a big following means nothing, writing a long fic, a short one, only using small font, being super aesthetic, really means nothing. i've seen writers with the most amazing aesthetic and beautiful prose with 100 followers write something and get 2k notes and then get 90 notes on their next post. same with someone who doesn't have a big aesthetic but a big following and writes short fics get 100 notes on their last ten posts but then that eleventh post randomly gets 1k. like it's really just up in the air on here if something is going to do good or not, unfortunately. so that's why i don't let it get to me when something i post gets 100 notes or 1k because i'm happy with both, less, or more. i don't expect anything anymore because that only leads to disappointment and i'm here to write and to have fun.

that's not to say i don't rec curating your own little community on here. make friends, block ppl with bad vibes, join discords of supportive friends. talk to writers who encourage and understand your feelings and discourse and who keep you going, give you inspo, etc etc. if only my friends ever rbed and read my stuff and there was only 10 of them? i'd say hell yeah and that'd encourage me to write more. having a good space of friends and community is amazing and can do a lot to fight off the writer scaries and the feelings of obsessing over numbers and success.

now this is just something i do but it always works for me; i post something and then force myself not to look at it for a day or two. i post it and move on to the next thing i want to work on. i do not dwell on how it's doing. i may q up some rbs for it but i don't even look at the notes when i do that. i deliberately never look at it because yes while it matters in the sense that we love encouragement, we love seeing people love something we spent hours on, we wrote this for ourselves but hello we want that validation too and that's okay, but like i said above and i'm going to say again notes mean nothing in regards to talent. these notes are not simon cowell judging you on your performance. so when i finally do go back to rb comments and reply to things, or if i just want to look at how it did, and the number is low i'm just like ok shrug at least those 20 people enjoyed it and that's better than 0. and if no one commented or rbed yeah that sucks and is disheartening but i can either dwell and be sad on it or i can continue to do what i love and write more. why let the annoying little brats on here who refuse to show their love on a work they read get you down? because there's a dozen of them out there and they're not going away. and you may have made someone's day for this little fic even if they didn't say something about it. it does suck that content creators on here don't get the rbs and comments and credit they deserve, and unfortunately if you want to keep doing what you love you gotta work around it and remind yourself why you're creating, continue to feel that joy. it's hard, believe me. but don't let your creativity be repressed because of it, because you'd be doing a disservice to yourself!

i'll say it again though: a high note count / following doesn't mean the fic is good or bad, neither does low notes / no following. no one's talent is ever in question here. we are here to write, have fun, fill the void of the rl scaries.

[campbyler]

ok. a genuine question. how do u guys write 20-30k *chapters* bc i will outline fics minutely or i will just let myself start writing based off a vibe & either way i will get 600 words out of maybe. two hours of work. on a good day with no distractions/interruptions, & i very much do not have an uninterrupted two hours to write very often, so you can imagine how slowly things get written T_T so i’m interested if there’s any aspect of any of your writing processes that really enables u guys to write so much or if it’s not really something you think about? anyways i really like ur guys’s work, & thank you for deciding to write for byler bc i know me and a lot of people enjoy it a lot. thanks!!

hello !! this is a super valid question and i’ll try my best to answer it for you 😗✌️

andi infamously writes a lot faster than thea and i do (she finished draft 1 of chapter 3 in like. two days. which was so scary. i’m in awe of her fr) but she has also spent a lot of time editing ch3 so it’s definitely not like these chapters are publish-ready in a short amount of time by any means! it took thea a couple of months total to fully write + edit ch1 and it took me about 3.5 weeks to write ch2 and another two weeks to edit it which is part of the reason we’ve spaced out our posting schedule like we have — we put a lot of effort and care into these updates and we want to give ourselves as much time as possible to get ahead before all 3 of us inevitably get so super busy with work and/or school in the fall!! so while we do write a lot, please don’t think we are so insanely speedy about it because unless we are having Really Good Writing Days, that’s definitely not the case. sometimes we do have days where we are really in the zone and write more than usual, but at least for me, this is so so so rare. whatever i write in this time gets heavily edited because so much of it was nonsensical brain vomit LOL

as far as writing process goes, i think one of the things that motivates us a lot is that we genuinely do just talk about this au constantlyyyyy like we’re always coming up with silly little hcs or drawing for it or adding to the Lore ™️so we’re always getting inspired to write! all three of us are definitely people who use writing as a way to relax or even reward ourselves after a long day; we would probably die if we had to go too long unable to :/ messages like “i can’t wait to get home and write after work today” or “i’m going to write a little bit of ___ before bed because i deserve it” are very commonly found in our gc because we really just look forward to it so much! as for our scary word counts, i feel like there is a lot of worldbuilding in this universe specifically, and pacing is really important to us — we want to make sure introductions and set-up to a scene and character interactions are meaningful and flow naturally, and building tension (which is a hallmark of this fic hehe) does take some time, which can definitely add up word count-wise.

for the most part, none of us usually have a solid few hours to sit and write either (unless it’s on our days off or after work if we’re not too tired) and we get a lot of writing done in chunks! we hold each other accountable for short check-ins (“ask me for a snip in 30 minutes”) which is super helpful when you’re stuck, because it kind of forces you to get Something down without worrying if it’s super polished and edited and perfect. if you’re writing on your own, something i’ve started doing lately is setting a 15 minute timer and just seeing how much i can get done in that time, and then setting another and doing it again (up until however much time you have to write that day). i’ve found that the artificial deadline helps break the monotony of sitting in front of your computer for Hours on end with nothing to show for it bc TRUST we’ve all been there and it sucks so bad 😔✊

this got super long so i apologize but i hope at least a little bit of it was helpful! it definitely helps that we are constantly feeding into each other (i.e: having brainrot) and offering inspiration and advice, which does wonders for creative flow tbh. we’re definitely not cranking these chapters out as quickly as people might seem to think — thea started chapter four, which won’t be posted for about a month, maybe a week or two ago. i just started chapter 5 — about 6 weeks away — yesterday lol so we do take our time! don’t be scared by the giant chapters, we just had a lot of content we wanted to include in each one and are in too deep to take anything out 🥳🥳 thank you for the question! good luck with your writing we believe in you 🫡

[greenokapi]

So… what do y’all do when you wanna do a bajillion things but you can’t settle on which thing to do so you just kind of end up doing nothing?

… lissen I’m still only recently diagnosed with adhd so I still don’t know how to work with it… I wanna draw so many things, wanna make merch, comics, I wanna write a fuckton of silly cringe fanfics… I wanna make videos? Like maybe youtube videos rambling abt stuff while drawing but then I don’t know if anyone would even be interested in that, and besides I haven’t done video editing in…. Probably close to 20years? What program should I use? Anyone got any tips on that?

I also wanna make stuff, lil bead things like these guys I made a while ago for example

I also wanna try doll customization cause it’s kinda only been the last decade or so where I’ve allowed myself to like dolls… reasons for that being … uh… gender stuff… it’s like only now in my life, around 30 have I finally gotten somewhat close to getting a grasp on my gender and sexuality, and I never even really realized before that this was something I had a problem with? Which probably makes no sense tbh…

I also wanna do sculpting and even paint, after art school teachers made me feel like I should never paint again bcs idk man I wasn’t up to their standards 🤷

And… I wanna do all this stuff but not only does brain say ‘adhd my guy’ but there’s also my increasing health issues that… I mean I’ve always had them but I guess getting older makes it harder and harder to constantly deal with them… and that’s another thing I never really realized was so bad until back when I was in Japan in 2015-2016 as an exchange student and would have to go to the hospital increasingly often bcs of pain nobody could diagnose… aand then I was shamed for it bcs having to go to the hospital in the middle of the night sometimes was a huge hassle to the dorm staff, idk I was a problem…

Since then I’ve had two operations and will probably need to have more in the future. Also, amusingly, when I finally got diagnosed I was looking at the list of symptoms, all of which I could relate to in at least some way, but the ones that stood out, for some reason, were ‘constant exhaustion’ and then below it was ‘insomnia’ and… maybe I’m not actually lazy when I’m tired all the time? But y’know, I don’t really wanna use a chronic condition as an excuse to just do nothing, plenty of ppl have chronic problems but still do stuff with their life… but when I think like that I also remember this isn’t a ‘pain competition’ or something like that and different people just have different capabilities to deal with chronic pain and such… idk, I honestly think I’m still trying to come to terms with the realization that being exhausted and in pain all the time probably counts as some kind of disability….. but I don’t feel like I’m allowed to say I’m disabled bcs I do also have good days, you know? I should probably try harder to just DO things?

Ahem, it’s like 9AM and I haven’t been able to sleep and stuff hurts… I just wanna go do something productive but instead I’m whining on here which I probably shouldn’t do bcs this is the internet and strangers can see what you post and maybe use it against you but also sometimes you just really wanna rant into the void… or maybe more like semi-void cause idk, maybe someone reads this and can relate or give advice or just talk or something? Buuut you suck at talking… then later you feel embarrassed about your tired rambles and probably end up deleting them and just bring them up in therapy later like you should…

Anyway, until this embarrassment pops up I’m probably gonna try to find some painkillers and go draw or something -3-

[ruminate88]

Andrew,

They say the best thing you can do is tell the truth…. Something you lacked with me. I’ll NEVER know what part of our relationship was real probably none of it. 😶‍🌫️ Was I a joke to you?? Did you only talk to me for over a year just to kill time or just to make fun of me? I grew up feeling stupid. You only exposed that wound to me. To tell me “you love me with all your heart and soul” but then to cheat and lie about it. Blame me for it.

I’ve tried to share the blame. Say to myself, “Well it’s your fault you sent him nudes. It’s your fault you talked dirty with him. It’s your fault you didn’t demand more respect.”

Andrew I’m tired 😩 I’m tired of the blame game. Tired of ruminating and questioning everything. Always dissecting you. Keeping you under my microscope, wondering what the problem is… Why was it so easy to hurt me, when I tried so hard to love you. Even when I saw the proof you cheated, I gave you an opportunity to explain yourself and I gave you the opportunity to end it all with me. Just admit why you cheated, admit you don’t love me and move on… right?

You admitted nothing. You refused to say a word. You were silent over the phone for 3 aggonizing hours as you listened to me sniffle, pour out my heart in telling you, “I’m a real person and I have real feelings.” You KNEW I was obsessed with you. You watched me every Monday post a “man crush Monday” photo of you; while you ignored it and posted NOTHING about me on any of your social media. You kept me a total secret!!!!

I’m tired of trying to make sense of it all and understand you. Tired of trying to find reasons and excuses for what you did. Leading me on for over a year… cheating and pretending with me. Calling me “babe” while you leave me on delivered for days. Making me sit lonely next to my phone, sobbing in tears. Always promising me you didn’t wanna break up that you were going to “make more time for me” but never did.

Andrew, I don’t hate you. I don’t “miss you”. I’m just so sad over you allllll the time. Nothing takes it away either. You left your mark on me and I’ve been trying to take my power back. I’m trying to have a life without you. I would be lying if I said I didn’t still care about you but I don’t even know the real you. We both know you were a false face with me. Pretending to be this successful and hard working “student” telling me your parents were “soo strict on you”, yet you partied your brains out. Texting me from the frat house, crying to me how hard school is and making me feel bad as I knew you were just using me to get nudes AND you dumped all your stress on me.

Going forward: I do want to forgive you and there’s just too much to say here. Not enough books contain the pages needed for the sadness and words I want to say to you. You pretended to be everything I dreamt of, yet you were occupying other women too. I’m for sure I was not the only “babe” in your life. It sucked Andrew. I gave you soooo much of me and you gave me nothing but hurt. Please take it all back. You don’t owe me anything. Don’t even apologize cuz it can’t change nothing. Just take away the sadness please ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

[tmgstudios]

Ok so i just saw a post about narcolepsy for you and i have a little question. I have no idea how to check when something was posted on tumblr (mobile) so sorry if that post was super long ago!

Anyways, I always push going to the doctor about anything away for as long as i can, especially with specialists. You know how it is, doctors suck, I don't wanna bother if they're just gonna ignore me and tell me to excercize.

But! I recently found out more about narcolepsy, and that it's more than just "randomly falls asleep" disorder, and i realosed that i relate a lot to the symptoms. I've found a really good way to leqrn about a disorder is to talk to people who have it because again, doctors suck and sometimes have no idea what they're talking about.

So today i woke up not feeling rested at all. I felt like a very vivid and stressful dream had been going on all night and I'm pretty sure i woke up a few times (might've been a dream too tho). I went back to sleep for 10 minutes (i actually checked the time so this is correct) and had at least 2 dreams, because i kept half way waking up. When I'm actually asleep i feel kind of awake, but I can't actually do anything. This happens every once in a while.

After getting home from school I'm always pretty tired and need some time to calm down, but that seems pretty normal. What isn't is that i do my stuff as always and then (usually while watching videos) randomly become SO tired. It feels like it's 5 am and I haven't slept yet, except its 2-3 pm. Sometimes i try to push through, sometimes i just give in, but i almost always end up falling asleep anyways and then sleep until 7-9 pm. I usually struggle to get my body to actually get up and not just keep sleeping, and apparently once had a whole conversation without any recollection that i even got up. I can still sleep all night after.

I just thought this was "normal" ADHD/fatigue/generally disabled stuff, but now I'm thinking it might not be.

Well i guess this isn't really a question, but it'd be cool if you could maybe give some insight on this? Maybe if you know anyone with narcolepsy who experiences this kinda stuff or it happens to you? (Of course you don't have to share anything you don't want to) Or maybe you know something else this could be?

Yeah, that's pretty much it, i guess. If you need more details on anything i don't mind telling you and i hope you have a great day/night! (Sorry this is kind of really long)

hello!!! so what you described is actually really similar to how i experience sleep attacks. i also def have full conversations without any recollection when i apparently woke up, according to my roommate. i cant Diagnose anything for you, but what youve described sounds really similar to my experiences with narcolepsy as well as others ive talked to. sorry i like Just woke up so my brain is (more then)a little scattered but yeah. def are things that i experience 👍

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

Hi!! I just wanted to say that I completely get not finding that much joy in the fandom/ harry and louis anymore. I had a mini minor tiny breakdown about it last night bc of the tags you put on the post you reblogged from me where you said something like please bring me joy, and I felt that so much 😭 this ask is gonna be 3 parts because i'm already running out of room oops

I think part of the reason is that I’m stressed and winter is coming so I’m also a little depressed. But I also think part of it is that there’s so much harry content but it just feels empty to me? I don’t know if that’s because I don’t connect to it as much but I also feel like he’s going through the motions if that makes sense? Maybe it’s just because I see things from afar (literally bc he’s in the us and the show is when I’m asleep) but I really feel like he’s on stage doing his job vs. 2/3

vs. last Europe tour where he was so happy and smiley the entire time. Plus spitgate being the first real general public harry hate and since then he’s really been the gp talk every week or so and I hate it. Anyway separate from these rambles; I’m always happy to see you on my dash and I’m so glad you’re here and I hope you find some joy in them again ❤️

hey <33 thank you for your message, and yeah. i feel you! i noticed i really had a hard time loving content from the residencies, bc i disagree with their existence so much. he looked tired and yeah, he really was going through the motions. he sang kiwi and medicine like they were canyon moon, yk? but not following along to his doings also made me unhappy, so that's a balance i'm trying to regain now. at the end of the day, i love harry and want him to be happy. gp talk and any of his media attention sucks, so i'm good with ignoring that forever. i've just been sadly exposed to some of it on tiktok bc i use that app as brain anesthesia big rip. i hate hearing randos talk about harry lmao. my big challenge rn sadly is that i've just come out of a relationship and fandom was something huge we shared and now reminds me a lot of them and our shared time. so i don't want to lose my love for h and l's content bc of that and it's a bit of a process now. so, sorry for the minor breakdown my tags caused :)) but i really appreciate this, bc despite the source of our sadness being different, we just want this space to stay meaningful to us. i'm always here if you want to let some of the depression demons out, if you want someone to relate to <333

[vaudeville-venom]

3/4AM — O3-12-2O24 : RANT / RAMBLE ﹐🪶 ˖ overview: im tired of tiktok, want to move to other social media platforms. want to start blogging / journaling on tumblr and love the idea of others doing the same and find it interesting. want to redo my intro post really bad (i bring it up alot.) i want to have the 'average highschool experience', feel alone then ramble about my life a bit. talk about how i am rambling and how i dont expect anyone to read it. im tired of having a fucked up sleep schedule and being unstable. then an ending note talking about journaling on tumblr again, moodboards, the fucking intro post again, and want to work on a tagging system. (im really fucking tired oh my god)

[ me-core / aesthetic of my brain atm ] : images frm Pinterest

im really debating on just leaving tiktok for now, the algorithm fucking sucks especially right now. its boring as fuck and im not even seeing stuff of my interests or my mutuals ☠️ its all the same 3 god damn audios of content i wouldnt ever like want or expect to see??? ive mentally wanted to stop using shit like tiktok and move to using tumblr more and other sites like spacehey and stuff. i really need to redo spachey too. because while tumblr still has an algorithm ofc its alot less addicting and doesnt absolutely wreck your attention span like tiktok has for me. i feel like not using tiktok other than for occasional posts and sending things to / receiving things from friends would make me a bit more productive as well as being better for me mentally. while it wont magically cure me from any mental illness itll make me feel better and probably help my stress a bit.

i really love the idea of using a tumblr blog to post whatever i want and like use as a digital diary of some kind,, its super fun imo. i had an old acc but it felt like more of a chore to keep up with so now it’s abandoned. speaking of that blog i may make a post being like “hey, im [here] now!!” because i had some neat mutuals there. i think its really neat to see people post about their day and share things they like and reblog everything that catches their eye yk! that may just be a me thing.

i want to redo my intro post a bit, because idk im a bit unhappy with it. (dont be surprised if i edit it mid-writing this or before i post this..) i really love to write but i havent had much motivation at all. i typically love researching my interests and taking notes on them but recently i havent been able to no matter how much i want to, maybe this diary / blogging kind of thing will help me get back on my feet with that :)

i really dont have a ‘yearning’ for anything at the moment, besides having the experience of like everyone else my age. idk how (hahaha) corny that may sound but like for background, im online schooled due to mental and physical disabilities, i dont have many friends online or in person, i rarely see anyone, and i live with my dad and see my mom sometimes and dont really have family outside of that. the family i do have i dont get along with very well or theyre distant (physically or emotionally.) the family i really consider is my dad, because hes always there for me, and my friend micah, but he lives like 9 hours away from me like a LOSER (ily bffie.) im a big believer on chosen family and he is that chosen family. ok i got sidetracked, what im saying is i have no social life really, dont have a place to get a social life (school), and cant really connect with people no matter how i try to. i want to live life like how i see in teen life films or tiktoks of people vlogging with their friends, hell id kill to even have an irl bestfriend to be around. i do have irl friends, and i do have close friends, but i dont see them often or have the personal connection of a mutual best-friend feeling. my dads probably my best friend but i need someone my age lmfao.

this post will be so long that no one will read it i garuntee but also i dont mind?? im not gonna spill my guts like someone wont read this but im not gonna act like i have a large audience. this will just be a nice thing to look back on and keep up unless i anxiously delete it whenever i look back on it (maybe in the morning)

im really tired of waking up at 3-4pm right now, but i cant sleep earlier than 5am no matter what i do. and if i manage to fall asleep at 2am or something i wake up an hour later or wake up at 4-5am panicking for some reason. i havent been to therapy in forever, my therapist is like not doing her job as well as id like and i have no doctor other than my pediatrician who doesn’t understand what im talking about ever!!

i just made this post and thats kinda what led to all of this ranting and wanting to write and shit. im sorta just tired of alot of social media and would love to find myself in other ways and use other forms of social media to share those things even though tumblr is a bit more dead than some things :) im gonna end this one here but if i write another tonight or early tomorrow (like the afternoon same day but it’s tomorrow to me) dont be surprised i love rambling to myself. now i think im going to make this post look cute, post it, redo my pinned intro, work on featured tags/a tagging system, then go from there ^^’

[csa-survivor-confessions]

(?)

Hi, anon who recently posted the ask starting with "Warning: long. If replying is too exhausting, feel free to ignore this <3 I understand it dw" (tw for graphic imagery & danger I guess?)

I've been tracking my dreams more closely and the nightmares have actually not gotten better at all lmao. I've dreamt sth SA related like 3 times this month already. So that sucks. I thought I was improving at least a bit. It's been over three years now, I'm so tired and angry and I want to scream my lungs out until they're splattered on the pavement.

I witnesses two guys fighting at my bus stop and it scared me so badly I almost tripped onto the street (and into my upcoming bus so that wouldn't have been great for me) and it's like whatever but I wish I could just handle things. Everything's exhausting and I can't even bring myself to eat a vegetable I've had for two weeks because that would mean going into the kitchen (other people/strangers) and cutting/ washing the vegetable (feels too exhausting.)

At least watching my fave show makes me ecstatic,,

I hope your days have been better<3

hello,

Tracking your dreams might not be helping. It's not necessary to record them in any detail. If you want to track triggers that's a perfectly good thing to do, but you might not need to be so focused on the content of the nightmares.

It makes perfect sense that you are hurting. Dealing with trauma can be very hard. And it's reasonable that it hasn't gotten better on its own. Sadly for a lot of people, it doesn't get better without some attention spent on letting your brain and nervous system heal and relieve a lot of traumatic stress.

It sounds like you are stuck in a hypaoroused state, meaning your body is stuck without your nervous system activating. it makes people feel like there is no energy and makes doing anything hard. This can be related to freeze & shutdown trauma response. it's a common place for people with trauma to go through.

Practising some coping skills can always be helpful. Whether we are in a hyperarousal state or hypoarousaed state breathing can be really helpful. When our nervous system is more regulated we have more calming energy.

One Example

2-to-1 Breathing: This is a practice that helps give us a path to regularity and best engaging the parasympathetic system. It also requires a powerful redirect of focous to our breathing and the way that it feels. Knowing how proper breathing feels is good to know when we have started to become dysregulated. This is generally hard to do during flashbacks or mid panic attack, most effective before or after the most extreme point. Remember diaphragmatic breaths, and try to either sit or stand as straight as possible! Steps: Count the duration of both exhalation and inhalation as you breathe normally and adjust it gently so you are exhaling and inhaling for the same amount of time. Most people are comfortable with a count of 3 or 4 counts for each exhalation and inhalation. So one full breath lasts for a count of either 6 or 8. So you are breathing in 4 and exhaling 4 counts. Now, without altering the duration of the total breath cycle, adjust your breathing by slowing the exhalation and gently quickening the inhalation to achieve a 2-to-1 ratio. For a breath lasting 6 counts, this means exhaling for 4 and inhaling for 2. For 8 you can adjust slightly exhaling for 6 and inhaling for 3.

[more breathing and grounding skills: Coping Skills Masterposts: Panic Attacks, Flashbacks & Dissociation]

Stimming toys might also be useful in both situations. You can try some out and see if different ones work at different times. When you are overwhelmed and want to scream or energy is missing.

Examples:

Calming rocks/crystals

Cats cradle

Chewy necklaces

Fidget Spinner, fidget cubes, twirling loops

Rings that have a bit to spin around

Sensory brushes.

Stress balls/Koosh balls/Massage balls

Tangles

Thinking putty or silly putty

Velcro

Weighted Compression Vests

Like in a situation with the bus, you could maybe have something that you practice using to help with not feeling as out of the body and cause issues like losing balance.

[more about this here: Coping Skills: Sensory Aids]

You might be able to keep some food in your room. They would have to be shelf stable but things like trail mix, pre-poped popcorn, dried fruit, chips, nuts, granola and other things.

Getting some bagged salad could be fine. Theoretically, you could eat it out of the bag. but overall it is veggies that won't require cutting anything or washing them.

Practising slow movements like stretching and walking can be good. I know it's the last thing you want to do when your body is stuck in a low-energy place in your body.

You could also try moving some with the show that is making you happy. If it's getting some energy up in your body you could stretch while you watch. It is deeply helpful for your body to not be stuck in that freeze & shutdown state.

There is nothing wrong with you and you haven't done anything bad. you can get through this, it's okay to be unhappy and hurting from trauma. You're surviving and you will get to living.

Be Blessed,

-Admin 2

[shinxistudio]

2023 in Review

2023 was a very tiring year, to put it mildly. I know everyone has been having a rough time, not just me. There's so much going on to be angry or upset about.

I want to at least try to focus on the positives and my own development that's happened over the course of this year. This post will likely be super long and rambling, so I'll put it under a cut here.

If you don't want to read it all (valid), I want you to know that we can make 2024 a better year together. Things will be better. We will make them better.

As far as my own personal growth, I've done quite a few things that I was always nervous to do or felt weren't possible.

I'm still anxious now that AI is even more of a problem than NFTs and standard art theft, but I want to share my art! I hate that I have to sacrifice quality by watermarking and making everything into JPGs, but it's the only way I'll feel safe enough to still share my art. I'm also anxious about getting chewed up by social media in general and ruining my mental health by feeling like I have to be Always Posting.

1.) I've started posting my art again publicly, on Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and here on Tumblr. I've started streaming on Twitch again, too.

I've tried to maintain an art blog or something similar multiple times before either getting too protective of my work or giving up. I don't want to give up again.

I've also started interacting with other artists more. I want to make more art friends! It just sucks that trying to reach out and comment often on Instagram takes so much of my energy.

2.) I've opened my own online shop on Etsy.

I've only made one sale so far this year, and it still means the world to me. I've always wanted to have my art on shirts and prints. The designs I've started off with are some basic ones, and I want to push to have even more detailed and cooler stuff. It's scary trying to sell my art as merchandise, but I want people to have stuff that they'll be excited to have and wear. I've ordered one of my own designs that I was the most excited for and I love it. I love being able to wear something I made.

I wish I had the space to do all the prints and things myself. I'd love to be even more involved in the process than using print-on-demand, but then that also requires me to have more time for order maintenance and less time for art and myself.

3.) I've opened commissions on VGen.

My friend was kind enough to give me a verification code, and I've opened a few offerings. I still need to advertise and push my stuff, but I feel a lot more confident in my art than I have in the past. I've tried to offer commissions before but always felt my art wasn't good enough. It didn't help that people rarely wanted my art, either.

4.) I'm cracking the code of my own brain.

I always have issues sticking to habits and being productive. (I'm almost certain I have ADHD, but trying to even get to see a doctor for an official diagnosis is something I haven't had time or money to pursue.) This year I created a scoreboard to try and gamify things that I need to do. It really helped me get through this year, all the way to about October when it became too much to maintain. This past month I've revamped it to make it more fun and easier for me to keep up with. I'm super happy with it so far, and I hope I can manage this one all the way through 2024.

5.) I'm taking my health more seriously.

I've been aiming to exercise at least 3 times a week, go for walks, or do anything to keep me moving. This has definitely helped my mental health and it's something I want to continue this year. I walked 1200 miles as a personal challenge! This year I'm aiming for 1500! I want to aim even higher, but I don't want to pick something so outrageous I burn out or don't bother finishing it. My rule is always that I can raise my goal but never lower it.

My friend got me into Conqueror Challenges, and big shiny medals have been a motivator for monkey brain.

I feel like I wrote this all mostly positively with a negative spin. That wasn't my intention, but I'm also being real about where I am and where I want to go in my life. I'm still learning and figuring out what I really want. I just know that I want art to become a much bigger part of my life again, and I want to be healthy so that I have that much longer to create even more art. I have so much planned and so much more that I want to make or media I want to try.

I was also able to lose some weight and I think that's made a difference, too. I don't feel as brain-fogged or as tired. I need to focus on sleeping more, though.

6.) A small thing, but I'm taking good care of my plants.

I love having plants so much, but they usually don't last very long. I had to get rid of my plants when we first adopted my cat, but I've made space for them that will keep him safe and out of them.

A coworker gifted me a plant for my birthday at the beginning of 2023, and it's still going strong. It's gotten huge since then. Looking at it honestly makes me so proud. One of my dreams is to one day have a green house or sunroom filled with different plants, and a garden to grow our own fruits and vegetables. It would make me so happy if this guy could be the first in its permanent home there.

7.) I've been doing better mentally and with handling my emotions.

I've always been highly emotional to the point that I couldn't control them. I'm still working on it, but I'm getting better at not letting my emotions lead my actions and taking time to think things through. Journaling has helped a lot, and I'd like to start meditating regularly to see if that helps, too. My girlfriend has been so patient and helpful with this since we've been together, especially in this past year. I'm incredibly lucky to have her. 😭 💚

I want to be hopeful for 2024. I want to put out more artwork and have more fun that I can share with others to make this year nicer for us all, if only a little.

If you read this far, please just know that I'm proud of you for making it through this year. Whether you were able to do things that you wanted to do or not, you survived and I'm happy you're still here.

I hope you have a much better year in 2024, with more love and kindness, more fun, more good food, and more rest. 💜

[threenorth]

At the end of my work day I'm completly exhausted, to much brain focus not enough calories, and shit food is expensive....

Now I know we said future focused but, there's so much glimmer of you, it's really difficult to know exactly but none the less...

Ryan, Pink,

You make me feel like there is something worth living for a reason I slave at my desk everyday trying to get forward in a world that wasn't made for me and the reason why I still breathe but y'know mainly coming home to you would be something worth the suffering at my job (just over broke), my brain remembered but I think I said it but I gave you an anchor I told you, because you calmed my sea, not to weight me down.

Logan,pale pink.

I'm glad you feel better, I don't know what you went through but I'm always here, unless I'm battling myself... And we're just take turns... And if we're both up shit Creek at least we have each other, and...probably the same psychologist. Jokes a side, I hope you know that no matter what you say, nothing is going to make you sound,less or look less beautiful that you think you might be.

L, pale pink.

I think for me, was the day I was pushed down the hill at primary (elementary), that thing is vicious and I think it's awful to have it in a school ground even for kids under our 6th 'year 6' (10-11 yrs) to your '5th grade' our kindergarten is pre primary, and Secondary School is also called college as I went to Northcote college, but there are people and places like Westlake boys High-school. And then with tertiary our college is university...but either that or the good old toilet bowl, I believe it I recall you said.. You need to name your trumas, haven't had that talk yet but I think you said yours was and I'll take it, abe.

Aspen, green.

Yeah I too miss that but y'know if you want depending on your schedule on my Saturday the whole day we can hang I got 100gb of data monthly now, you can come to the supermarket... Or the gym... Or whatever.

Just as long as you keep me, posted or informed with if A) your tired. B) your mental health getting a little worse. C) what you need to do around the house as chores as we can multi task... Hopefully. IE you dust the kitchen or some shit, and I run on the treadmill.... Speaking of. Treadmill the respotiry instuite called today to say the specialist I was planning to see has quit, and my appointment was rescheduled for. December 11th, so I'm looking on our medical platform database to see what other people might be able to investigate and or to what equipment they have or possibly experience or if they can use my insurance provider...adhd meds wore out so... Hahaha.

Rowan, green.

Distance makes the heart glow? I don't know to me, distance makes it difficult but I don't know if you or I can afford it yet, maybe soon... Ish... We're talk about this in due course...but distance sucks, but at least now there's long distance ergh 'toys' they seem intersting...

Good old aunty Google (nz expression) says 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'(source)

It's a little depressing but we can try watch movies or TV shows via discord or something, we're find something to do until... Hopefully not too long... But there's a few balls. I'm trying to understand currently... Long tale. Called having mental health issues and trying to do work and a degree... Yeahhh f--king kill me. 😂

Keith, red.

My heart always wonders its way back to you.

Keith, purple.

Anytime.... Unless... Oh romance, I got a meeting in the office and I don't pick up but I might see it try hussle my way out, I'm often listening to music on my phone via headphones anyway but best time to get me is 12-1 and if I'm working at home but not wensday afternoon but if I'm at home I can have you on mute throughout some meetings...

Oh and maybe if I got my cynical psychologist... Next Tuesday 5th the whole day is awful hahahaha...Dentist, hygieninst, and othorodonist... 9-12. Then 3-4pm is my shrink.

Yknow what how about your Friday depending when you wake up and if you have the whole day off I'll get up early on my Saturday... But we need to take some turns about who's one either getting up early or staying up late...

Cooper, tan.

You don't need a sign when you know my thoughts or where to find my latest thinking about you.

Regarding a text message? I don't know if I'll ever find your number in my many files I have especially one I tried hiding from myself after the last time I used it, my us cell phone VoIP redirect I posted a couple days ago... Sooo maybe just use Skype? Instagram? Facebook?

😂 You know how to find me, contact me.

Cooper, purple.

You didn't really leave me, per say.

But I would of hoped you would of tried to reach out - non anonymous, I left my Skype open for a few months and I also never blocked you, just - slightly peacefully 'forcefully' removed you out from my life,but you still had message access, I think I didn't change my Kik till maybe 2015? As my phone reset? I can't recall but I remember we had two or. Maybe one Skype call, one when I got angry at you about the prayer flags, and the other I think when something bad happened and you asked me come online...I'm so sorry that's a bit of a blur for me the years since 2014.... Some of it rock soild, others quite vague..