#i am purposely listening to songs that i know will make me cry

[janeway-lover]

"I'll See Your Heart, and I'll Raise You Mine" is breaking my heart because it is so Good Omens coded. This song came out 2003 and here I am sobbing over it 20 years later because it's perfect!

There's a line: This is the story of the angel who played poker with the devil in the Garden of Eden before it all went pear-shaped.

Now, I personally don't hear "pear-shaped" in a lot of people's vocabulary. I use it sometimes because of Good Omens, which is the only other place I've heard it used. I thought Neil and Terry made it up until I heard this song.

And also: the Eden reference!!

Also also: "They keep swapping shoulders" Does that sound like, oh i don't know, performing each other's blessings and temptations??

It's just so perfect, shout out to @iamnot-theboynextdoor for blessing me with this song

[maggotzombie]

the day/night we met ; henry cavill

PAIRING — Henry Cavill x Reader (fem) SUMMARY — On your wedding day, your Maid of Honor prepares a special gift to which you and Henry have distinct responses. WORDS — 1,8k TW — nothing really just a lot of fluff, emotions (I cried a bit writing it), Henry in a suit 😈. A/N — Hi! I'm not dead, just quit the most toxic job ever so I'm getting back here lol Here's a short but very dear fic to me that I wrote last year but never posted. I'm so happy to finally post this! This story has been in my head for two years now and it came out better than I thought.

Song insp.: Eu Me Lembro by Clarice Falcão feat. Silva

— 𝕸𝖆𝖘𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖙

“ALRIGHT,” YOUR MAID OF HONOR smiles, carefully wiping her tears with a napkin. “After making you cry and potentially ruining some makeup,” The room laughs. “I’ve prepared something different to end this on a high note.”

This is one of the dearest moments of your life: your wedding. You’re marrying your soulmate. Your heart could burst with love and happiness whenever.

Everything’s perfect, from your dress to the lights of the venue. Henry – your newly proclaimed spouse – has an arm around you as you listen to your family and friends' speeches about you and your love.

You found it strange when your Maid of Honor wasn’t the first to speak, but it seems she has a reason for it. Immediately, you feel anxious, but in a good way.

“When these two told me they were getting married, I knew I wanted to do something special for them,” Your best friend starts. “I just didn’t know what, but I knew it had to be something remarkable, something for them to look back and have a good laugh,” She looks at the both of you with tears in her eyes, chuckling.

You also wipe tears off your eyes, smiling back at her, and Henry tightens his embrace around you.

“So I sat down with these two, separately, and started to ask a few questions,” She smiles and wiggles her eyebrows, which is an expression you know very well.

‘Oh my,’ You think. ‘What is she up to?’

“Things started to get really interesting from the start, and I decided to make a video out of it,” Your best friend winks at you. “Without further ado, enjoy it.”

With a pleasant smile, she sits down. The attention turns to the screens set around the venue.

You remember sitting with your Maid of Honor to chat about your relationship. You didn’t really understand why she wanted to do that. However, it always has been effortless talking about Henry, and you brushed it off as having something to do with the wedding.

You recall having a great time answering her questions – drinks might have been involved beforehand, but the whole process was surprisingly professional.

Your friend’s face pops up on the screen as she introduces herself. “In this little video, I wanted to talk about our lovely couple’s amazing and fun story, especially the day they met,” She explains. “Newlyweds, I love you very much, and I hope you like this little something I put together for you.”

She blows a kiss and waves. Then in fancy lettering, “A love story” is scribbled on the top-left corner of the screen, and “A story of love” on the bottom right corner. You wonder why both phrases – which convey the same thing – are on the video, but the thought quickly slips your mind when your smiling face appears on the screen.

“State your name and occupation, please,” Your friend prompts on the video, but she’s out of the shot.

You roll your eyes amusedly. “What’s this, a trial? I’m innocent, your honor!” You giggle, making everybody at the venue laugh.

You answer the question anyway, and your name also appears written on the video.

“For the purpose of… this, I’m the bride?” It sounds like a question, and you make a face, unsure of yourself.

She never explained what the video was for, in your defense.

Right after you, Henry appears. “I’m Henry, and I am the lucky groom,” He smiles brightly, looking as handsome as always.

“So, tell me, how did you meet Henry?” Your friend asks, and your smile is instant as you remember that exact day as if it was yesterday. “How did you meet Y/N?” She asks him in the next scene, and his reaction is the same.

“I was hosting a brunch,” You start, your eyes unfocused as the vivid memory plays in your mind. “And it was morning when Henry arrived.”

When he reapers, you can tell it’ll cut back and forth between you. “I was throwing a party, and she was the one that came around. I think it was three in the afternoon,” Henry replies, quite differently from you.

You scoff mockingly, looking at him by your side. He chuckles, brushing it off with a shoulder tic before you turn back to the screen.

“And I said: ‘Hi, come on in, make yourself at home,’ You know, something of the sorts,” You shrug off.

Your betrothed chuckles in the video, scratching his chin in thought. “I was the one that said hello, but she didn’t hear.”

His comment makes the venue erupt in laughter. You meet Henry’s loving gaze again and squeeze his hand, making him bring yours up to press a kiss on your knuckles.

If your shared story had different and entertaining versions until now, it’d just get better!

After being asked about first impressions of one another, he replies: “She thought I was hilarious,” He says with such confidence that is endearing.

In your turn, you laugh and cover your mouth as if what you are about to say it’s an embarrassing secret.

“Oh my god, he wouldn’t stop talking! Like a lot!” You emphasize. “And I pretended to laugh the entire time,” You say very sheepishly before throwing your head back in laughter again. “That’s terrible. I feel like I need to apologize,” You add after your fit.

“Oh, I just remembered something,” He suddenly announces, and his smile is wide as the memory toy around in his head. “Her blouse was inside out,” He chuckles, eyes focused on a spot. “She’s so adorable and such a goof, isn’t she?” He looks back at the camera.

“He loved the way I was dressed,” You giggle, visibly shivering as you physically remember the feeling of him truly looking at you for the first time.

Your friend asks another question, changing the subject slightly, but Henry shakes his head.

“Yeah, the party was great! Everybody was having a good time, but I only remember searching for her when she wasn’t near me. Trying to get another look, you know?” He says.

In turn, you scoff. “No one was dancing! I don’t remember who was taking care of the music, but it was terrible!” Your genuine response makes the room fills with laughter another time. “At least everyone had a drink in hand and ate something.”

“Oh, yes. The food was wonderful. Everything homemade,” Your partner assures with a proud nod naively.

“I bought everything off Tesco,” You rushedly confess, throwing your head back in laughter again.

Back to the present moment, you’re wiping the new tears from the corners of your eyes due to laughter. You love the good energy around the room as your guests and yourself enjoy the video your Maid of Honor made.

Now you understand both phases in the beginning, and although you and Henry have very distinct versions of the day you met, you love both of them and the feelings they bring you.

However, something changes in the next second of the video. For the first time, on a split-screen, you two appear together.

“When I saw him, I knew it (When I saw her, I knew it),” You both say simultaneously. “She (He) was the person I’d spend the rest of my life with,” You continue.

Glancing at him, you’re surprised to see he’s already looking at you. Then you exchange a knowing look. It seems like you got on the same page in this part of the video.

“And that’s how I realized that life put him (her) in my life,” You say in unison. “On that Tuesday (Thursday) of September (December),” Your responses overlap with each other, drawing amused reactions from people.

“That’s why I remember everything, of every second,” Both of you state, which is downright ironic at this point. “Ask me anything that I remember.”

“I remember,” You proudly declare with a grin but, this time, by yourself.

And so does Henry. “I remember,” He nods with a beam.

The video ends there, and the room erupts in applause, whistles, and hollered praises.

Words couldn’t describe the dazzling feelings you’re experiencing if you wanted to. You can’t be more grateful to your friend for this treat either. And, of course, the man you now get to call your husband.

The spotlight of attention returns to you as you’re exchanging the most enamored gaze ever. Henry leans in and presses his lips to your forehead, making you close your eyes. Slowly, you allow all those remarkable sensations to wash over you.

When you reopen your eyes, you smile at him before looking at your Maid of Honor. “Thank you so much for this extremely thoughtful gift. We both loved it a lot.”

Henry confirms with a head gesture.

“Words won’t do justice to how much you’re special to me. I’m just so grateful I get to share such a special and meaningful moment of my life, like this one, with you,” Your voice cracks at the end, and you smile, trying to hold your tears at bay as you can see she’s doing the same. “So I can’t thank you enough.”

As the room gets loud with another round of applause and cheers, she smiles, mouthing an “I love you too” to you. Wiping your tears carefully one more time, you chuckle.

“Although, I only have one question,” You announce, making the room pipe down. “Was my blouse really inside out?” You giggle as you look back at Henry.

Your husband starts to laugh. “Yeah,” He confirms bashfully. “Yeah, it was,” He nods as your guests join you in laughter.

“Oh, God. I can’t believe it,” You shake your head in embarrassment. “I also would like to point out that my husband clearly has a lot of experience with interviews,” You remark, addressing the room. “I feel kinda bad after saying I was pretending to laugh at his jokes when he’s all loving and caring,” You rejoin your friends and family in fun.

“I do tell bad jokes,” Henry concedes in your defense. “I love how genuine you are, and you’re loving and caring to me, too,” You nearly melt at his famous Hollywood-star smile.

The sound of ‘aww’s’ fills the room. “You see what I’m dealing with?” You joke, making everybody chuckle.

You give him a chaste but affectionate peck on the lips. Your wedding coordinator decides it’s time for the first dance to open the floor to make your guests burn some energy after the buffet.

And so, feeling the most secure and happy while pressed against your husband’s chest with his arms around you, you swing slowly. By sharing the same air, the same space, and the same feelings, you can’t think of anything better.

It all started on a Tuesday morning in September for you. But for him, it was a Thursday afternoon in December. Now, it is a Saturday evening in November that you’ll never forget.

You will remember. Everything. Of every second.

[convolutedblasphemy]

I wasn't shitting you guys btw I actually made the one-sided radiostatic playlists

here is my lyrical masterpiece. both the vox version and the alastor one. done my best to make it as lyrically accurate as possible. @styrofauxm @onesidedradiostatic i hope you enjoy this (go check out the full lyrics for the songs on google if you can't listen to it but i recommend it because all of these are bangers) feat. my stupid commentary and vox's pathetic wet cat energy

Click to listen to the Vox one on YouTube

1. the hearse — matt maeson

thought this one fit so well lyrically. the "what was it like to feel in love" part i interpreted as vox asking himself that rather than alastor

❞ i am the man we both couldn't stand, i can't wash off the dirt from my hands, what was it like to feel in love? [...] i will never go backwards, i will never be free, i will never run faster; will you sink down to me? ❝

2. i'm just ken — ryan gosling

i'm not even adding lyrics to this one, everyone should have seen the barbie movie and this song at this point. this just HAD to be in there. can you feel the kenergy?

3. too many friends — placebo

less about alastor, more about vox's existential crisis

❞ my computer thinks I'm gay, i threw that piece of junk away on the champs-elysées as I was walking home. this is my last communique, down the superhighway. all that I have left to say in a single tome... ❝

4. creep — radiohead

i mean isn't this literally his theme song?

❞ when you were here before... couldn't look you in the eye. you're just like an angel. your skin makes me cry. you float like a feather in a beautiful world. i wish I was special. you're so fuckin' special. but I'm a creep, i'm a weirdo, what the hell am I doin' here? ❝

5. where evil grows — the poppy family

y'all seen the sonic movie? we need to see vox do that dance.

❞ i like the way you smile at me, i felt the heat that enveloped me and what i saw i liked to see. i never knew where evil grew. i should have steered away from you, my friend told me to keep clear of you but something drew me near to you ❝

6. one of us — ava max

i had to edit this one a bit in the video and cut out the part about the kissing because that for sure didn't happen

❞ one of us would die for love; one of us would give it up. one of us would risk it all; one of us won't even call. one of us could say goodbye, never even bat an eye... ❝

7. colorblind — amber riley

more pathetic wet cat energy brought to you by yours truly

❞ i don't think that i'll ever find that silver lining or reason to smile. you know i used to paint such vibrant dreams, now I'm colorblind, colorblind. when did my heart get so full of never mind, never mind? did you know that you stole the only thing I needed? ❝

8. arcade — duncan lawrence

more pathetic wet cat energy brought to you by yours truly

❞ a broken heart is all that's left. i'm still fixing all the cracks. lost a couple of pieces when i carried it, carried it, carried it home. i've spent all of the love I saved. we were always a losing game; small town boy in a big arcade, i got addicted to a losing game... all i know, all i know: loving you is a losing game. ❝

9. if i can't have you — skylar astin

i picked the version from zoey's extraordinary playlist on purpose because the context of this scene is that the dude who sings it hires a bunch of singers and dancers to confess in a public space as you, the viewer, sit there and cringe at him as he gets rejected. if that doesn't have vox energy, i don't know what does.

❞ i'm good at keepin' my distance (lie), i know that you're the feelin' I'm missing. you know that I hate to admit it but everything means nothin' if I can't have you. i can't write one song that's not about you, can't drink without thinkin' about you. is it too late to tell you that everything means nothing if I can't have you? ❝

10. do you want me (dead)? — all time low

when vox asks himself whether alastor wants him or wants him dead it's definitely the second option.

❞ i let it ride on a bet, i doubled down on a sinking ship; need a second to catch my breath: do you want me? or do you want me dead? oh, give it up for at least a second; i'm getting sick of your bullshit attitude and how you walk around like you shine brighter, it's killing me, so what do you say? do you want me? or do you want me dead? ❝

11. push — ryan gosling

i can't just put one musical number from the barbie movie in and not include the other one that fits equally as well.

❞ said, i don't know if I've ever been good enough. i'm a little bit rusty and I think my head is cavin' in. and I don't know if I've ever been really loved by a hand that's touched me, and I feel like something's got to give and I'm a little bit angry, well, this ain't over, no, not here, no; not while I still need you around. ❝

Ice-cold rejection & vicious mockery: Alastor's version

the contrast of this is the best part.

Click here to listen to the Alastor one on YouTube

1. little big boy — madds buckley

he doesn't go easy on him. this is 0 compassion and 100% roast.

❞ brimstone fire and eyes aglow, little big boy's making the whole world know his name. raised on pillars and shining lights, breathing smoke for the right to keep his place. never satisfied 'till they all see how big this little boy can be. well the water's rising; tide's comin' in. does little big boy know how to swim in a pond filled with fish bigger than him? ❝

2. i help you hate me — sunrise avenue

he's so helpful fr but it's not working unfortunately

❞ i broke many hearts throughout my days. yours was the hardest one to face. though, I've never been a saint, i still love you every day, just not the lover kind of way. i know you wanna see me falling out, falling out the window. i know you wanna see me crashing down, crashing with my plane. baby, i'm way too young to die but I'll help you get over me. ❝

3. no surprise — daughtry

this is one of my favorite bands, i'm glad i got to include this.

❞ it came out like a river once i let it out when i thought that i wouldn't know how. held onto it forever just pushing it down, felt so good to let go of it now. not wrapping this in ribbons, shouldn't have to give a reason why: it's no surprise i won't be here tomorrow, i can't believe that I stayed 'til today. there's nothing here in this heart left to borrow. there's nothing here in this soul left to save. don't be surprised when we hate us tomorrow. ❝

4. go screw yourself — avery

i can picture him 1:1 delivering a swing version of this when vox confesses to him

❞ i know i've been holding it in, the way i feel about you. something i've been dying to say but I don't know how you'll take it; oh please don't go; you should know these three words i've been holding back; trying to fight, i'mma let 'em out... these three words, gotta let you know, here I go: go screw yourself. i've had enough, yeah, now we're done. ❝

5. the audacity — emelyn

this one's such a bop honestly. had to cut it in the video because i can't picture alastor realistically crying over anything vox-related.

❞ think your opinions should be broadcast... even though no one's subscribing, listening or liking but by all means, keep whining. must be tough if life's so rough. you should buy a mic, start a podcast, even though, wait, nobody asked. [...] where do all these men find the audacity? no actually, i'm stunned by your stupidity. ❝

6. friends — halocene

this one had to be on here.

❞ have you got no shame? you're looking insane turning up at my door. it's two in the morning, the rain is pouring, haven't we been here before? [...] so don't go look at me with that look in your eye, you really ain't going away without a fight. you can't be reasoned with, i'm done being polite. i've told you one, two, three, four, five, six thousand times. haven't I made it obvious? haven't I made it clear? want me to spell it out for you? f-r-i-e-n-d-s ❝

7. can't catch me now — olivia rodrigo

he likes the attention def especially after his return

❞ bet you thought i'd never do it, thought it'd go over my head. i bet you figured i'd pass with the winter, be somethin' easy to forget. oh, you think i'm gone 'cause i left but i'm in the trees, i'm in the breeze, my footsteps on the ground. you'll see my face in every place but you can't catch me now. through wading grass, the months will pass, you'll feel it all around. i'm here, i'm there, i'm everywhere but you can't catch me now ❝

8. take a hint — victoria justice & elizabeth gillies

this is on every rejection playlist and it's gonna be on mine too. a bop even after all these years.

❞ ask me for my number, yeah, you put me on the spot. you think that we should hook up, but I think that we should not. you had me at "hello", then you opened up your mouth and that is when it started going south. [...] what about "no" don't you get? so go and tell your friends i'm not really interested. it's about time that you're leavin', i'm gonna count to three and open my eyes and you'll be gone ❝

9. no — madilyn bailey & megan nicole

more rejection for y'all. the world needs more mean aroaces and this playlist is my contribution.

❞ first you gonna say you ain't runnin' game, thinking i'm believing every word; call me beautiful, so original, telling me I'm not like other girls, i was in my zone before you came along, now i'm thinking maybe you should go ❝

10. oh no — marina and the diamonds

a classic.

❞ don′t do love, don't do friends; i′m only after success. don't need a relationship, i'll never soften my grip [...] i know exactly what i want and who i want to be. i know exactly why i walk and talk like a machine. i'm now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy. ❝

Reblogs are appreciated!

[grapejuicestyless]

part 2 for so long london w/ a happy ending please I loved it sm😭😭

loml.

Harry Styles x fem!reader

Summery: After nearly a year apart and an album later, turns out you and Harry aren’t doing as well as you let off to be. Part 2 to So Long, London

Seeing him across the room even after all this time sends chills down my spine. I recall the warm feeling of his hands against my spine and the smell of gunpowder as he aims his pistol at my heart.

It’s funny seeing him now that he’s written down his feelings and published them like a diary for the world to read. I know more about his heart than he led me on to know. I know how he claims to have felt shattered inside with the realization he lost the “love of his life” and how we walked the fine line between being perfect and violently broken. But really, what is perfect when it comes to us?

He wrote down some things I just can’t unabsorb. His songs turning me into more of an idea of sorts. It felt like watching the story of our love from afar. The details were there, but they weren’t quite right. He writes about how we danced in the kitchen listening to trash pop music, but he leaves out the way we always stumbled over the chipped tile by the counters. Does he remember how he’d lead us there purposely so he could wrap his arms around my cold body and save me?

Seeing him now I can feel his eyes drift to mine every couple seconds, his gaze burning into my side profile while I down another glass trying to shake the feeling.

I feel stupid now, seeing him at our best friend’s wedding. He’s in a suit and tie, his hair curled around his eye and a red tint from the sun on his cheeks. I feel even more stupid wearing a green dress on the opposite side of the alter, holding flowers and smiling at how the bride and groom promise themselves in sickness and in health.

I’m not stupid though, I can hear the whispers about how we almost had it all. The flowers picked out from the catalog dull in comparison to the ones we had picked out for each other by the third week together. When I sit with the bridesmaids, I hear their snickers at the bride, how lucky she is to be the first married, how they always thought it would have been me.

But I’m a good friend, and a damn good actress. I can paste on a smile and act like the jokes they sneak into their speeches about how they never saw it coming, telling stories about the newlyweds that should have been about us are funny. But I can’t help the way I start to sweat when they begin to quote the same words Harry had written down for me.

All of our love story written down for the public to use, words he penned on the paper with my face in mind belong to someone new now, “I love you’s” whispered between couples who once dreamed of having a love like ours.

“I remember meeting you in September of last year, you were wearing a yellow dress and red shoes. You didn’t match, but you made it look good. I thought you were beautiful, I just had to have you. And when you decided to go for a guy like me, I knew you were the one instantly. Just like our good friend Harry once said, ‘She’s an angel, my only angel.’” I don’t listen to his heartfelt speech anymore, I can’t even look at the smile on my friends face as he serenades her anymore, I feel like someones just ripped out my heart and claimed it as their own.

And like someone was praying for me to cry, to finally break and show everyone just how not okay I am, his eyes are on mine, and he’s not looking away. When my eyes catch his, I mentally curse myself, wishing I could sink into the seat beneath me. I excuse myself to use the bathroom, grabbing the bottom of my dress to make down the long hallways of the beautiful venue that should have been ours.

“Y/n.” His accent is thick in the foggy room, eyes dimmer than I remember. He runs after me, voices from the reception muffled by the walls put between us.

My eyes trace over his body, studying the way he sighs out my name. Can he hear my heart crashing down as I realize I’ve lost my touch? I cannot tell if he’s relieved or obligated to be standing so close.

I swallow hard, his english accent drawing me back to the place I once loved so much. My new home fulls in comparison to what we once had, and I can’t help but still hold a grudge for him taking that all away from me, for ruining a sacred city and crushing it between his fingers.

“You look good.” I break the awkward silence that falls between us, his lips parted like an idiot, like he ran without thinking and forgot how to talk.

“Me? God, you look breathtaking.”

I would have blushed not long ago, curtsying at his comment and kicking my feet beneath the table cloth, but now the compliment is empty and instead feels backhanded in some odd way.

“Oh…well thank you. I tried my best.” I laugh bitterly, and the shine in his eyes tells me he misses the unhappiness in my giggles.

When he doesn’t speak again, I swear I can feel my skin shifting over my bones every time I breathe.

“Well, it was good seeing you.” I lie through my teeth, turning on my heals and wiping away any tears gathering on my waterline.

“You don’t have to avoid me, you know.”

“What?”

“You don’t have to avoid me. I know things aren’t the same between us, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still look for you in every room I walk into. You’re the love of my life, even now.” He confesses, stepping closer.

“Well, maybe you shouldn’t. I’m not in any rooms you’re in anymore.”

“But maybe I wish you were.” He says with a smirk, stepping closer and trying to slip his hand into mine, but it’s like needles stabbing into my skin, I cannot hold onto him, so I slip away.

“Goodbye, Harry.”

He grabs me again, a hold so desperate to keep me in his grasp, one I haven’t felt in a long time. Classic move from Mr. Steal Your Girl. The man who promised rings and cradles, the dame man who swooned over the small things and rolled his eyes as he turned his back. Mr. Make Her Cry.

“Y/n I don’t want this to be goodbye.”

“It’s not. It can’t be, we already did that right?” I turn to him teary eyed, my wrist burning under the grip of his cold rings decorated on his warm hands.

“No, that’s not what that was.”

“Then what was it?”

He swallows, but keeps looking me in the eyes like he means everything he’s preparing to say.

“We were so young. I was scared, and I pulled away. It was wrong, but I thought you’d be better off with someone who wasn’t afraid to grow up.”

“I would have waited. You know that.” He nods.

“I know. But it’s not fair.”

“No, whats not fair is you coming back to me after leaving me stranded in a place I can’t even fucking stand to be near anymore! God, you’re such an asshole, talking rings and talking cradles and then claiming to be scared for a future you planned. You don’t do that, not to the love of your life, and you sure as hell don’t leave them stranded and alone. How dare you think it was romantic to have done that to me?” I spit venom from my tongue, my eyes clouded with tears. “You promised to never leave, then what? Never mind? You think you’re such a hero for leaving me but in reality you’re a coward. Letting me think we had it all, we almost had it all and the. You leave? What do I do with myself now that you’ve come back? Do you want me to forgive you? Harry, I might be the love of your life but you’re the loss of mine.”

“I know, I know.”

“Stop saying you know when you don’t!” I scream, quieting down as I remember where we stand, and I silently pray I haven’t spoiled such a beautiful wedding.

“I’m not claiming to have been a good partner, god knows about all my faults and I’ve gone away to fix them, and you’re here now, and I don’t know how I’ll ever find you again if I do not ask now, but I need you to listen to me now before it’s too late because I’ve never felt a hole in my chest like this, and I need you to see how badly I need you back in my life, I need you to trust me when I say I’m committed this time.” He pleads, his hands trembling in mine.

My lip trembles at the feeling of his skin on mine, my face colliding with his shoulder in a suffocating hug, I can feel myself falling back into his wicked grip, but when he holds me like this, it feels more like flying than falling, at least until the bone crush.

Standing in the hallway of a wedding built for us, but dedicated to another, I see us dancing in the kitchen again, the steps burned into my head as we waltz back into rekindled flames. His love is just so warm, fuck it if I get burned, if it falls apart again.

He’s the loss of my life, Mr. Writes Me Love Songs, Mr. Dances With Me In The Kitchen.

But for now, at least under the false illusion’s presented within this luxurious wedding, he’ll be the love of my life.

[carakook]

Bloom. °˖✧✿✧˖°

“I said, don’t. Just shut the fuck up and let me have this. Just one more time, please…”

→ Chapters list ←

⚘4. Spring Is Gone

🔞For Mature Audiences Only🔞

╔══ ❀•°❀°•❀ ══╗

⚘Pairings: Jeon Jungkook x fem!reader

⚘Synopsis: After being granted with “closure”, you try to enjoy your last night with Jungkook. It’s an emotional and fucking steamy mess.

⚘Genre:Forbidden love

⚘Word count: 13K+ 🥴

⚘Warnings: 18+ for mature audiences only, MDNI, emotional, mentions of cheating, active cheating, HEAVY smut, mouth spitting, wine kissing (idk if it’s actually called this but it’s what I have always called it LMAO), crying during sex, emotional sex, EMOTIONAL EVERYTHING YOU WILL CRY I AM WARNING YOU, grief, breaking up (sort of?), panic/anxiety attacks, alcohol, stealing (lol it’s kinda cute you’ll see,) making love (different from fucking), sort of rough, unprotected sex (always be careful, Y/N is on BC!), SAD JUNGKOOK I REPEAT SAD JUNGKOOK!!!! let me know if I miss anything there is a lot in this chapter.

⚘Disclaimer: This story in no way reflects the characters of those who are mentioned. It is pure fiction and for entertainment purposes only. Please don’t take it seriously. Nothing is real in this story.

⚘A/N: The long awaited chapter. This is a long one. I cried. A lot. Holy shit? It’s actually so sad lol but also has some good smut. This isn’t the last chapter, as I said before this is a full on fanfic, I also have it on Wattpad but it gets barely any reads so if you are interested in that let me know. After this chapter, things get very… drama filled? Idk a good word for it lol. I hope you enjoy, and I’m sorry in advance if you cry. I highly recommend listening to the songs, each of them have a place in every chapter which is why I list them lol. Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoy. Love you.❤️

╚══ ❀•°❀°•❀ ══╝

↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺ ᴺᴼᵂ ᴾᴸᴬᵞᴵᴺᴳ :

♪Merry Go - DPR Ian

♪Gimmie Love - Joji

♪The Astronaut - JIN

♪Dope Lovers - DPR Ian

♪sex money feelings die - Lykke Lie

♪Angel - The Weeknd

♪Nerves - DPR Ian

♪505 - Arctic Monkeys

♪I Love You So - The Walters

♪Apocalypse - Cigarettes After Sex

♪Cry - Cigarettes After Sex

✧━。゜✿ฺ✿ฺ゜。━✧

Since you both agreed on enough of the heavy shit, you spend time together. The mood is heavy for some time, almost awkward, which is why you break out the several bottles of wine you bought this week in an attempt to cope with the end of you and your flower. You’d much rather drink it with him anyway.

You can always buy more.

The wine helps. After you’ve both had a glass, it feels less strained. You continue eating pizza and watching whatever sappy drama is on TV. He picks up on his rant, starts explaining how sex is definitely comparable to pizza; sex creates life, and without sex, we wouldn’t have discovered pizza. Makes total sense. It’s stupid, but he has a point—a very Jungkook thing to think up.

By the time you’re both three glasses deep, you’re a bit wine-drunk. He holds his liquor much better than you do, but you can tell he’s feeling all fuzzy inside. You check your phone as he sits sprawled out on your couch, taking up almost the entire damn thing with his bulky ass. It’s nearly 11:30 pm… around the time he should probably go home.

You glance at him, debating whether to subtly kick him out or not. You don’t want to, god no. It literally makes you sick thinking about it. But you shouldn’t let him stay either, should you? You’re supposed to end this. This was the last night.

But you see how content he looks—like a big, overgrown spoiled dog with a belly full of treats, relaxing next to his favorite person.

You did say one last night… technically the night isn’t over. And he shouldn’t drive in this state, really, if anything, it’s just for his safety…

So you nudge his leg with your foot, and he turns his head lazily towards you, arches a brow, “Hm?”

“Sleep over?”

Oh, he fucking grins. His dimples on show, his eyes crinkling up adorably, and his big bunny like teeth saying hi.

Because what you don’t realize is he wasn’t going to leave. Fuck no. You said one last night, and he was going to milk that for everything it was. No way in hell was he going to go home tonight. If he’s being frank, that’s why he drank three glasses of wine. He didn’t need it. But he knew he could use it as a loophole to staying the night. You wouldn’t let him drive drunk.

He knows damn well what he’s doing, and he’s elated that you offered to let him stay. It means you want him here.

Even after all the bullshit, you still want him here. You want to prolong it, too.

“Hell yeah.”

He winks and then leans up a bit to stretch, causing his shirt to lift and give you the most indulgent peak of his stomach. You shamelessly stare, and he absolutely notices, lifting his arms a bit higher just to give you a better look.

He loves it when you look at him like that.

But then he stands up, casually grabs his car keys from the coffee table, as if he isn’t fucking teasing you.

Fuck. The wine is definitely kicking in. The warm fuzzies in your tummy are spreading elsewhere.

“Gonna go grab some stuff from my car then, make sure it’s locked, I’ll be right back.”

You hum in response and lean back into the couch. Watch him as he walks out the door, and find comfort in the fact that you know he’s coming back… even if it’s the last time.

Jungkook is doing his best not to let his mind wander to the more damning thoughts as he walks out of your complex and into the parking lot. Because he feels the opposite, no comfort at all. His anxiety is spiked now that you’re out of sight. What if you don’t let him in when he makes his way back to you? What if you change your mind about the sleepover? What if you decide you hate him?

Not only that, but he feels like he’s wasting precious time. As if the five minutes he will be away from you (barely) are irreplaceable and he’s just wasting them. It’s literally the end of the world… he shouldn’t be wasting time.

But that’s just his anxiety speaking. In truth, he doesn’t actually need the things in his car… but he packed a few things before showing up unannounced—things he wanted to leave you with.

Such as the little Polaroid camera you bought for him months ago, one that you yourself have used every single time you’re together. You always snap little candid pictures of him, sometimes yourself. He finds your fascination with the thing so fucking cute. He uses it, too, of course. He often takes pictures of you without you even knowing it… and you’ve both definitely taken some more raunchy pictures, pictures that he keeps hidden away in a box for when he misses your touch. For his eyes only. They’re priceless to him, probably some of his most prized possessions.

Speaking of those photos, he also packed a box full of them just for you. Pictures you’ve taken of him, of both of you, of anything and everything. He wants you to have them, wants you to be able to look at them when you miss him a little too much. He went through the photos over the last few days of no contact, greedily picked out his favorites, and put them into his own box for the same purpose. But he picked a generous amount out for you, too.

And as corny as it may sound, he packed a few pieces of his clothing. He knows how much you love stealing his shit, especially his shirts. Several are still missing, but he won’t ask for them back. He’Ll gift you with more, made sure to spray his cologne on them too, so that you can smell him on them. He packed his favorite shirt, hoodie, and something he will reluctantly, but willingly, part with. His denim jacket.

All of them are Calvin Klein branded. The shirt is basic, just a black shirt that’s fitted on him but swallows you whole. It’s the one you often steal when you sleep over at his second apartment, but he never let you take it home because it was his favorite. It’s worn in and soft, that’s why he likes it. But it’s yours now, just like him.

The hoodie is the same, basic black, one that you always tried to steal but never succeeded in doing so. It’ll be like a warm hug when you miss him, he thinks. You’ll love it more than he will. You’ll need it more than him on nights that you feel lonely.

The jean jacket isn’t anything special in appearance. It’s dark denim but is lined in that soft wool that keeps you warm and cozy. He wore it often in the cold months, thought it made him look handsome, but also kept him comfy. He’d rather you have it. He wants to keep you warm forever, hold you in his arms and never let go, make sure you never feel cold again… but he can’t exactly do that. So instead, he’ll give you his jacket.

The last thing is one of his chains. God, he knows you love those damn chains. He almost always wears one, silver or gold, depending on the day. And you always make sure to tell him how much you like them. He never really understood it; it’s something so simple. But you swooned for it. After you guys fuck, you’re always touching it, playing with it. Even when you guys aren’t fucking, you seem to have the impulse to touch it. Maybe it’s a girl thing, he doesn’t know. But he’s giving you one since you liked it so much.

Definitely a girl thing.

He also brought the bottle of perfume you dropped on his floor that night you stormed off… he was going to give it back. Return it to its rightful owner. But as he’s grabbing the bag full of goods out of his car… he impulsively takes it out. Wants to keep it. Wants to be able to smell you, too. He’s sure you won’t miss it.

You won’t miss that perfume as much as he’s going to miss you.

He quickly grabs the bag of stuff, nearly dropping it as he grows more restless because he’s not with you right now. You’re too far away, and every single second counts tonight.

So he rushes back into your complex building, nearly full-on sprinting back to your door.

As he lets himself back in, you’re in the exact same position. Sitting comfy on the couch, eyes on the TV, your wine glass a bit more empty now. Thank fuck.

He wasn’t even gone for more than four minutes. And yes, you did notice, you didn’t like it. But you knew he’d come back. So you waited. Wasn’t a big deal.

He’s just dramatic, for good reason of course. You can see the unease written all over his face as he pads his way back towards you, sets the bag next to your couch. He doesn’t disclose what’s in it and you don’t ask, you just assume it’s the bag he usually keeps in his car for impromptu nights like this.

He doesn’t want to present these little gifts to you yet… because he feels like that’s what’s going to really finalize it. So he’ll wait a little longer.

Would put it off forever if he could.

He takes a seat next to you, obnoxiously close. Your couch isn’t big, but there’s enough for two people to have a comfortable distance from each other. He doesn’t care. He wants to make sure he’s touching you in some way, so he nearly squishes you as he sits down as casually as ever and slings one of his arms on the back of your couch so that his fingertips rest on your shoulder.

He has an almost jittery energy about him right now. Obviously, emotions are heavy; it’s your last night together. It’s kind of hard to act totally ok and normal when you’re both well aware that this is the last night. But even then, somethings a bit off.

You study him for a moment, notice how he’s running his teeth over his lip ring again, how his leg is bouncing up and down a bit even as he tries to mimic a relaxed position on the couch. Maybe he’s anxious?

He is. However, that’s not what this is all about. He wants to kiss and touch you so badly it hurts. But now he’s unsure if he’s allowed. He doesn’t know what’s on and off limits tonight, and he doesn’t want to jeopardize your time together by fucking it up and making unwanted advances.

Overthinking. He wishes he didn’t do that. But he doesn’t even realize it’s happening until after things are said and done, doesn’t know how to stop it.

You assume maybe it’s just nervous energy thanks to the impending sense of doom you both feel. You feel similarly… but you hide it better.

More wine would help, you think.

So you lean forward and grab the bottle which is half empty, this is the second bottle of tonight. You top off each of your glasses as Jungkook watches, and you take a sip.

His eyes stay glued to your lips. He loves your lips. Loves all of you, but especially your lips. He thinks that will be one of the things he misses the most. How soft and pillowy they are, how they’re a bit rosey in color, how they taste, how they pout out a bit when you drink wine, how wine stains your lips so prettily, how they feel wrapped around his—

Yeah. Fuck it. One last night.

“Gimmie some.”

You glance at him and arch a brow, wonder if he’s referring to the wine… or maybe pizza? You literally just topped his wine glass off. He’s being weird.

“I just topped you off?”

He shakes his head, “Nah, I want yours.”

You scoff at him because now he’s just being childish. But he’s looking at you so expectantly, almost stubbornly, as if he’s asking for something more than the wine he’s demanding.

And he is. He doesn’t even really know what though. He’s being greedy, wants your wine because your lips touched the glass, because remnants of your spit might have melted into the wine after taking sips. He doesn’t want his own damn wine.

He wants to be greedy tonight. It’s not like he has anything to lose, he’s already lost it all.

So he reaches over and takes the wine glass from you, gets a bit impatient when he sees you aren’t gonna give it to him right away. He takes a slow sip, places his lips in the same exact spot yours have been every time you’ve taken a drink. It’s ridiculous, really… but he swears he tastes the faintest essence of you on the glass. Closes his eyes, swishes the wine around in his mouth, trying to see if he can taste more of you…

Ok, so, he’s definitely being a bit ridiculous. But fuck, he already feels like he’s going crazy. Can’t really help himself when he is desperately craving any little crumb of you.

You don’t know what to make of this. Part of you is amused, part of you is irritated, because he just stole your damn wine. But you also know there must be more to it, there has to be.

He cracks an eye open, sees you staring at him like he’s crazy, because he kinda is. Only for you, of course. He just swallows the wine and shrugs innocently.

“Yours is better, mine tastes weird.”

You roll your eyes at him because he has the same wine as you do. You can’t figure out what his game is here. So you reach over and take his wine and say, “Yours is literally the same as mine.”

To prove a point you take a sip of his. Just as expected, tastes the exact same as yours. He watches you carefully… gets an idea. An incredibly impulsive,almost intrusive idea.

But again… it’s the last night. And he’s greedy.

You huff at him and point his wine glass (which is now yours apparently) at him as you watch him take a huge gulp out of your glass again.

“Yeah, see, tastes the exact-“

He abruptly grabs the nape of your neck and cups your jaw with his free hand, his thumb coming to rest on your bottom lip and lowering it. He places his lips on yours, waits until your mouth instinctively opens just as it always does for him, and then funnels the wine into your mouth.

Fucking feeding you the wine like a baby bird.

It catches you by surprise at first, causing you to cough a bit and causing the wine to dribble down your chin, but you quickly gulp it down just like he gulps down the little gasp and cough you let out. He kisses you greedily, doesn’t even build up to it before he’s pushing his tongue into your mouth and swirling it against yours, tasting the heady mixture of wine and you. Fuck, you’re his favorite taste.

You don’t protest; of course you don’t. Was definitely a bit bizarre, but also… fuck, that was hot. Was a bit weird but in a super sexy way. You kiss him back, letting out little huffs of air into his mouth as one of your hands also finds the nape of his neck. The other hand automatically rests against his chest, clings to the fabric of his shirt tightly.

You both stay like this as long as possible. The kiss only grows more desperate and aggressive, teeth and tongue clashing beautifully together like thunder and rain. Your soft pants turn into eager breathes at some point, and he knows you need to breathe. But fuck, he wants to stay lip locked with you until he passes out.

This is when you start to second-guess things. Yes, this is the last night together… but knowing it’s ending makes the guilt a bit more prominent. This wouldn’t be ending if it wasn’t wrong, but it is wrong; sleeping with him again just seems so contradictory or maybe even hypocritical.

So you push at his chest lightly, a silent signal for him to slow down. God, he hates the way his stomach lurches. Can’t fathom the idea that you might kick him out right now. Please, god, don’t do this. I’m not a weed, I swear, I’m her fucking flower. I need her one more time, he silently prays even though he’s never been religious or prayed before.

When he pulls back with heavily lidded eyes, you speak up hesitantly, even though you don’t wanna stop, god not at all.

“Kook, we shouldn’t…”

That’s all you say. Because it’s really that simple. You shouldn’t be doing this; you should never have done it at all. But even then, you lack the ability to convince him. Because you want him, one last time. You’re just having a hard time willingly giving in again.

Jungkook knows you well. Knows your body language. He knows that if you truly wanted him to stop, you would’ve been more self assured when speaking. You wouldn’t sound like a meek little mouse, you’d be firm in telling him know. He can see the same thing in your eyes, it’s pure unadulterated want. But maybe you need reassurance, reassurance that one last time is ok, is needed.

You’ve both sinned so much already, one more time won’t change shit.

So his grasp on your jaw firms up a bit, he starts feeling a little too passionate about this. He coaxes your mouth open by smooshing your cheeks a bit before saying,

“Y/N, fucking don’t. Just let us have this, please.”

“But Kook-“

He grunts in frustration. Just as impulsively as he fed you wine kisses, he spits in your mouth. It makes you flinch, makes your pussy clench because fuck it’s so filthy but so hot. So intimate in a sort of fucked up way.

“I said, don’t. Just shut the fuck up and let me have this. Just one more time, please…”

He leans back down and starts kissing you again, licking into your mouth and adding more to the spit he put there moments ago. Doesn’t even give you a chance to protest. He kisses you like he’s going to die if he doesn’t. He’s sure he will. He’ll die a miserable death if he doesn’t love you one more time.

It's a bit harsh, but you know each other enough to know he isn’t trying to be forceful or rude; he’s just desperate. You are too, honestly. You know damn well if you said no and meant it, he would pull away and stop immediately. Your body has always been safest with him. You don’t want to stop, not really. You’re thankful he’s being like this. It’s the push you need to ignore the guilt for a while longer and share your body with him one last time.

When he feels that you’ve melted into him, with no more tension or hesitancy in your body, he pulls away, nipping at your lower lip once and then sucking on it. Then his lips travel down, and he licks the wine staining your chin off before placing sloppy kisses down your neck.

He doesn’t even ask before he starts sucking and licking on your sensitive skin. Not kitten licks, not gentle sucks, no, he’s full-on giving you hickeys, and you know it. You know it’s intentional when you feel him pull back a bit to take a peak, only to lean back in a second later and bite.

The hand on his nape fists into his hair, and your back arches a bit, causing your chest to push against his chest, “Fuck, Kook…”

You should tell him to stop marking you up like this. You don’t like showing up to work or visiting friends with visible hickeys because questions get asked. And as much as you wish you could admit who they’re from, you can’t. No one knows about Jungkook. No one even knows you’re seeing someone right now, and you don’t want to have to come up with some story to cover your ass.

It’s a secret for you too.

But it’s the last night together… and the idea of having his hickeys on your neck, just to remind you a little longer that this was real, he was real, it’s an idea you quite like. Fucking love, actually.

He grunts at you, bites down a little harder, “What? Told you your wine was better…”

You let out a little breathy laugh when he says this, because of course he would play it coy, as if he didn’t just randomly start devouring you. Of course he’d blame it on the damn wine.

That breathy laugh quickly turns into a moan when one of his hands finds your tit, he starts squeezing and groping it through your shirt shamelessly, tweaking your nipple in the way he knows you love. God, he loves your tits. They’re the perfect size for him, he swears. They fit into his palm perfectly, feel like pillows, just like your lips. All of you is just so soft.

He kisses his way down your neck now that it’s all marked up in pretty purple and pink bruises blossoming, much like you do every single time he touches you like this. When he gets to your chest, he looks up at you through his lashes, and then he nearly rips your shirt off of you when he pulls it down.

His eyes leave yours as he looks down at the beautiful pillows on your chest. He just admires them for a moment, as if he’s at an art gallery studying each piece of art. That’s what you are, art. Everything about you inside out is otherworldly beautiful to him, tits included.

At this point, you’re lying down on your couch, legs parted for him. It’s a bit awkward because of how small the couch is, but that doesn’t stop either of you. He doesn’t give a fuck that he barely fits. He’ll make himself fit… just like he’s made himself fit into your life for months.

He wants to fit into your life just one more time, one more night, wants to meld together and tangle your roots so that it’s impossible to untangle them. He knows it’s wishful thinking, but that’s where this is all coming from. He’s not being aggressive and eager and greedy just because he’s horny, no, he’s doing this because maybe, just maybe, if he shows you with his body how much he loves you… how much he needs you… you’ll change your mind one day.

His mouth descends on your left breast, and he starts licking and sucking on your nipple. Your eyes roll back, and your entire body shudders at the sensations, fuck, it always feels like the first time. Before him, men didn’t pay such close attention to your body. Never even had a guy play with your tits before, Jungkook was the first. It was so odd at first, but it quickly became one of your favorite things. Makes you get so wet so fast.

You love how he looks up at you when he does it, his eyes full of asters and stars alike, hearts and moons, lust mixed with love and it’s a dizzying sight. You wonder if this is how you look when you go down on him, if that’s why it unravels him so quickly. You’d understand if so, you wish so badly you could snap a picture of him like this and preserve it.

It’s funny because he’s thinking the same thing. How beautiful you look when he goes down on you, how your eyes mimic his own, and how you have a hard time controlling your facial expressions when the pleasure is too intense. His favorite thing is when you start furrowing your brows and almost pouting at him without realizing it; the little pants and mewls you let out without meaning to, it drives him absolutely insane.

He wants to capture it, too. Fuck, tonight is a night to remember, he wants everything solidified in film. Every single kiss and touch and whisper spoken tonight, he needs to preserve it.

He sucks on your nipple for a few more seconds, his other hand flicking the nipple on your right breast. Wants to get you all worked up for him. he then pulls back, letting go of your tit with a wet pop sound. Lets his hands rest on your thighs and rubs his palms up and down them as he takes you in.

You let out a little whine when he pulls away, but you don’t protest. His pupils dilate heavily as he looks down at you because, holy fuck, you’ve never let him mark you up like this. He doesn’t even like giving hickeys, thinks it’s a bit immature, something meant for college. But seeing you blooming pink and purple from your neck down to your pretty tits? It makes his cock twitch hard in his sweats.

He removes one hand from your thigh, and reaches down to palm himself through his sweats. He squeezes his cock as he takes in your already debauched look. Marked up, tits out, lips swollen, eyes heavy… fuck. You may be what kills him, not heart break.

One last squeeze to his cock to relieve a bit of the pressure, and he lets go of it. He knows you’re getting a bit impatient by how you’re shifting in your spot, but you know he wants to take his time tonight. So you don’t say anything, no matter how much you wanna beg for his dick or his mouth.

He leans over the couch to unzip the bag he brought, grabs the Polaroid, and then readjusts himself between your legs. He sets the camera down on your stomach and brings his hands back to where your thighs are spread prettily for him.

You arch a brow, and he gives you a little smile. He still looks a bit fucked, his eyes black with want and his cock literally tenting his sweats. The smile is much too sweet for what you’re both doing.

“Take as many pictures as you want, there’s a full roll of film in there. Can keep ‘em for when you miss me.”

Now is not the time to cry. Fuck.

You nod at him, grab the camera and keep it close. You wonder if he planned this or if it was a coincidence that it was in his bag. Regardless, you’re thankful. Elated even, that he’s going to let you capture this and preserve it for those nights you doubt he was ever even real. There's no time to be sad now; you can grieve him when he’s gone.

He flicks his tongue over his lip ring as he looks down at you again, there’s so much that he wants to do tonight, but he knows damn well the moment his cock so as much touches you, he’s going to lose control. He needs to lavish you with love and attention first before even thinking of himself.

He grabs the hem of your shirt, gently pulls it over your head. You lay pliant, let him take the lead and do whatever he wants. God, anything for him as long as he keeps looking at you like that, like you’re the reason he breathes.

Next he takes off the pajama shorts you had on, slowly fumbling with them because of the awkward position on the couch. It makes you giggle at him, which makes him giggle at you. Now that you’re both a bit calmed down, not quite as worked up, you realize maybe the couch isn’t the most practical place.

Even then, you take the Polaroid and snap a picture, capturing his bashful smile on camera as he tosses your shorts away. He doesn’t protest; he lets you. Watches as you take the photo it spits out and stare at it lovingly before setting it on the coffee table.

His hands are on your thighs again, and despite the fact you’re nearly butt naked now, his eyes stay steady on your face. He reaches forward, grabs the camera from you, and snaps his photo of you. He focuses the Polaroid specifically on your neck to capture the hickies he left, wants to remember you marked as his. He retrieves the photo after the camera spits it out. He doesn’t look at it yet; just tosses it inside of his bag next to the couch.

At your huff and shy little glare you send him, he chuckles, hands you back the camera, and before you can scold him, he lightly swats your thigh. Then he gets off the couch and picks you up bridal style.

It’s hard to be mad at him when he makes you feel like a princess. You don’t actually mind that he took the picture, as embarrassing as it feels. You know it’ll be for his eyes only.

He easily carries you into your bedroom, kicks the door open, and deposits you on your bed. Wasted no time before he’s taking off his shirt and sweats, and fuck, you swear he’s a Greek god. Perfect, in every way. You could drool every damn time you see any bit of his skin. His broad shoulders, his tiny waist, his subtle and toned thighs, it’s a lethal combination. Any woman who sees him like this surely could keel over at how beautiful he is, how sexy he is.

He gets on the bed with you, and you set the camera on the pillow next to your head. He settles between your thighs once more. He can feel himself starting to get impatient now that you’re both in only your underwear; his cock is still hard. Only getting harder as he stares down at you, looking at how pretty you look with your hard nipples glistening with his spit and your soft thighs spread just for him.

He descends, placing open-mouthed kisses on your tummy. Your hands come to rest in his hair as they’ve done many times because you know you’ll need to hang on. You know where this leads, and anytime he eats you out, it’s an out-of-body experience. The things this man’s mouth can do are unholy, but still feel like heaven.

His eyes stay on you as he kisses his way down to your thighs. He nips at them lightly, causing you to whine. He covers your lower half in kisses, not missing a single ounce of your skin as he lavishes your inner thighs with sweet little declarations of love that just aren’t enough.

You lift your hips ever so slightly, tug on his hair a bit, send him a silent message that says please fucking put your mouth on me before I explode.

He smirks against your skin, looks up at you as he trails his lips upward, “Just feel it, baby, let me love on you.”

You want to roll your eyes at this, but don’t say anything. Just try to regulate your breathing. You know he’s wanting to savor it, savor you. He has every right to.

But he knows what you need; can tell by the way you’re scratching his scalp that you’re itching to feel his mouth on you. And if he’s being honest, he’s growing a bit impatient, too.

So he finally trails his lips past your thighs, onto the mound of your cunt which is still covered by your panties. The moment he sees the wet spot seeping through, smells your arousal, his patience disappears. Suddenly, he’s fucking starving.

He doesn’t even take your panties off before he starts kissing your cunt, sucking on your clit through the fabric. The feeling makes your body nearly jolt, your hips bucking into his face as you tug on his hair and let out an incredibly strained moan. Fuck. So much for taking it slow and dragging it out.

He becomes a man possessed once he tastes you. He’s letting out grunts as he borderline makes out with your panties, suckling the fabric to get every drop of your essence off of them and onto his tongue. It’s genuinely filthy, debauched, but god, it’s hot.

He leans back with flared nostrils and glistening lips, looking like he’s wearing lipgloss. Made specially by you, of course. He nearly rips your panties off and throws them into the pile containing his clothes at the end of the bed.

A coincidence, he tells himself. He’s totally not planning on ‘accidentally’ taking them home with him… not at all.

He leans back down, grabs your thighs, and props them over his shoulders as he maneuvers himself to lay flat on his stomach on the bed, his knees keeping him steady as he presses his face into your pussy.

He inhales you, takes in your scent. So musky and pretty, so uniquely you. He wishes he could bottle it up and wear it as a fucking cologne. He rubs his nose around in it, nudging your clit back and forth, almost as if he’s motor-boating you but instead of your tits, it’s your cunt.

God, it’s lewd. But he can’t get enough.

You already feel yourself becoming a little too turned on but wanna capture this moment. Wanna preserve how fucked he looks when he does shit like this, only ever for you. So you grab the Polaroid with one shakey hand that leaves his hair, and you snap a quick photo. It comes out a bit blurry, but you don’t mind. You place the camera back on the pillow alongside the fresh photo and have to double down on gripping his hair because, holy fuck, this feels so good.

His tongue finds your entrance and starts licking inside, trying to get every last drop of your cream greedily into his mouth. He uses his nose to stimulate your clit, one of the perks of having a big nose. He’s grunting as he licks into your cunt, almost sounds feral doing so. He doesn't even recognize his own voice with the damn noises he's making.

As much as you don’t want to admit it, watching this all unfold has you dangerously close already. Your thighs are quivering on his shoulders, and your toes are curling along his back. The way he’s breathing into your pussy, sucking and licking and nudging it with his nose, fuck, it has you a mess. The noises you’re making you can’t control; you’re starting to sound just as feral as him.

“Mmmph… Koo… gonna cum soon, slow down…”

You babble at him. You wanna cum so bad, but you also don’t want it to stop so soon. If you had one wish at this very moment, it would be that he does this forever. He looks so lovely in between your thighs, licking and sucking you up as if it’s his last meal.

Because it is his last meal. After this night, he’s gonna be starving for eternity without you.

He huffs out a little laugh against your clit, the hot air causing your back to arch and fingers to tighten in his hair; if he doesn’t ease up, your thighs are surely going to crush his damn head.

“Cum then. Fucking give it to me, Y/N. Let me earn it.”

He nearly growls at you before he dives back in with renewed vigor. He replaces his tongue, which was deep in your cunt, with his fingers. He uses his mouth now to suck on your clit. As you look down at him, you’d swear he was kissing it, making out with it, making love with his fucking mouth. The added pressure of two of his long fingers crooking inside of you is quickly bringing you to your end.

But what nearly makes you cum on the spot is the way he starts fucking humping the bed. Acting like a virgin humping a pillow, he moves his hips back and forth on the mattress just for some sort of stimulation to his cock because it started getting so hard it was damn near painful.

He knows how desperate he looks but doesn’t care. Clearly, you enjoy it, judging by the way you start panting, and your pussy starts pulsating and tightening around his fingers. They fuck into you harder, rubbing up against the spongy flesh inside, all while he makes out with your clit.

His eyes open to meet yours, and you’re done for. Seeing that desperation and love in his eyes mixed with the fact he’s fucking humping your bed makes your pussy throb. You begin cumming hard, tugging on his hair as your thighs clasp around his head. He damn near whines into your cunt, the noise only causing vibrations to make it so much more intense for you.

“Nnngh oh shit! Fuck, oh fuck Koo… oh my god, shiiit…”

Your hips buck up into his mouth eagerly; you can’t even control it. Your feet planted on his back, toes curling, thighs trembling around his face, and your face scrunched up in pleasure. You see stars- no- you see an entire fucking galaxy as you cum all over his face. Full of stars, moons, planets, gardens, all of which are full of him and every single fiber of his being.

All for him, just as he is all for you.

He fucks you through it, does his best to prolong it, but he knows he’ll make you cum again on his cock. He is aching to be buried inside of you. He wants to make love to you, not fuck you, he wants to meld your bodies together and become one tonight.

After what feels like forever, your body relaxes, and the spasming of your clit dies down, causing it to become sensitive. He can tell by the way your legs shake and your body jolts when he applies too much pressure with his tongue.

He reluctantly pulls back, licking your juices off of his lips before placing little kisses all over your thighs and pelvis. He looks fucked, his nose and his lips are glistening obscenely in the dim lighting, and his eyes don’t look brown anymore but black.

When your eyes travel downward, you whine at him. His cock is nearly tearing through his underwear, which you now realize he’s wearing your fav, the purple CK’s. There’s a little stain where the head of his cock presses, so much precum, all for you.

He looks down where your eyes are trained, and he snorts at himself. Jesus fuck, he really is acting like a desperate teenager, isn’t he? But he can’t find himself giving a shit. He wants you to know how desperate and unhinged you make him. He can’t say he’s ever been so horny he borderline fucked a mattress, not until now. And it’s all because of you.

He takes off his underwear with shaky hands and tosses them somewhere in your room. Then he settles between your legs again, rubbing up and down your thighs as he takes you in as if it’s the first time.

Your hands come up to his chest, scraping your nails down it slowly, which earns you the most beautiful groan from his lips. He bites down on them, and his cock jumps upward, begging to be touched. So you trail your hands lower until you find his aching length and take it into your hand, start stroking him lazily.

His breathing becomes labored, and his eyes flutter shut. Even just your hand feels so fucking good. His hips jerk forward, seeking more stimulation. Fuck, he can’t get enough.

One of his hands remains on your thigh while the other reaches for the camera. He boldly angles it directly at your cunt, snaps a photo of it, making sure to capture the way your slick folds glisten in the light, along with all of the purple flowers blossoming on your thighs. His tattooed hand is barely in the shot but is visible enough to make it clear it is him in this photo.

He tosses the photo in the same pile his clothes and your panties lay next to the bed, and then angles the camera towards your face and body to take another. He thinks you’re so pretty like this. Cheeks flushed, lips puffy because you always bite them right before you cum, eyes bright with afterglow. You look like an Angel, especially in this moment.

He’s sure you’re an Angel sent from the God he doesn't even believe in.

He snaps another photo and tries to steady his shaky hands because the way you’re stroking his cock feels borderline painful. Too slow; he needs more. Beads of precum drip down his cock as if it’s crying. It may as well be crying for you.

He quickly takes the photo, tosses it in the same pile, and then does the same with the camera without thinking. Is getting way too worked up with how you’re stroking his dick and looking at him like a Greek god.

Because he is one. You’ll say it time and time again.

He leans over your body and settles in between your legs. You remove your hand and wrap your arms around his shoulders, burying your fingers in his hair again. He grinds his cock onto your pussy, coating it in the remnants of your cum and juices, and starts kissing you slowly.

The kiss isn’t like the one with wine; this one is sweet, loving, still desperate, but more patient. His lips work with you in unison, your puzzle pieces coming together once more. You can taste yourself on his lips, and it makes you moan into his mouth, which causes his cock to twitch against your pussy. God, he loves the sounds that you make. Music to his ears, he’d play it on repeat if he could.

He slowly drags the tip of his cock down to your entrance which is well prepared for him, and even more slowly starts thrusting inside of you. He wants to feel you deeply, feel every ripple and ridge of your pussy, every pulse and throb. He wants to catalog it and replay it over and over in his head for when he misses you.

Jungkook is definitely gifted when it comes to his manhood. It’s not too long, a good seven and a half inches, but fuck he’s so girthy. When you first fucked him, you could barely handle how thick he was. Nowadays, you can absolutely handle it, but that first push always gets you fucking squirming. The pressure and stretch are nothing like you’ve ever felt before.

You let out a stuttered gasp into his mouth when he buries himself to the hilt, his balls flush against your ass, and he stays there for a moment so that you can adjust. You break the kiss, wincing a bit as you turn your face to try and hide the way it scrunches up as it always does the first few moments he’s inside of you.

He doesn’t like that. Not at all.

He pulls his face back from yours and steadies himself on his elbow as one of his hands comes up to grip your jaw. He turns your face towards him, doesn’t let you look away or try to hide.

“Uh-uh, you look at me when I fuck you. I wanna see every single detail of your pretty face if this is the last time I get you like this.”

You whine at him, your eyes fluttering shut and cheeks warming. For some reason, that’s embarrassing, like being called out for talking in class or some shit. But even then, your pussy clenches around his cock, because you love it when he takes control like that, when he makes it clear what he wants.

He shakes your jaw a bit when he notices you closing your eyes, causing them to open instinctively. He looks just as fucked as you do, his nostrils are flared, and he’s sweating slightly, clearly holding back.

“Eyes on me, Y/N. Don’t you fucking dare look away. Look me in my eyes while I make love to you.”

Fuck. It takes every single bit of strength you possess not to cry. There he goes, voicing the fact that tonight isn’t going to be some hard fuck. It’s making love.

That terrifies you.

Making love is something entirely different compared to fucking. Some people disagree, but you don’t. Fucking is mindless, meant for pleasure and pleasure alone. Sometimes, there's intimacy after, but it’s mostly just sex. Making love, of course, comes with pleasure, but that’s not its purpose. Its purpose is to come together with your partner, show each other how much you love them, let all of your emotions run wild and free while sharing the most intimate parts of your body together.

Fucking is like buying a bouquet of roses. You get to see them, water them, keep them on display, but the joy dies quickly because the roses die, too.

Making love is like growing a garden of roses. You can’t make love until you grow that love with someone; nurture it, watch it morph and evolve. And then the flowers bloom. The love bursts, the petals are vibrant in colors made up of you and your partner.

Both are lovely. Everyone loves buying a bouquet of roses, but few get to experience growing their own.

You’ve never made love. Tonight will be the first time.

And it will probably be the last.

You nod at Jungkook stupidly, keeping your eyes on his just as he asked you to. Once he sees your eyes remaining on him, he starts slowly moving his hips. His cock slides in and out of you, your arousal can clearly be heard by the noises your cream coating his cock every time he slides in and out makes. It’s beautiful.

This is beautiful… and so goddamn tragic.

He’s also fighting tears. Because, unlike you, he has made love before… or thought he did. He swore on his wedding night he made love to his wife, but it was nothing like this. You’ve barely even started, and he can feel the stark difference. God, it makes him question fucking everything. He never felt this way with his wife, with anyone, only ever with you.

But now isn’t the time to think of such things, to dissect the fact that maybe what he had with his wife was never actually love, but comfort. Now is the time to share your love together, one last time.

He starts moving his hips a bit faster. His arms reach under your body and wrap around you, trying to get as close as humanly possible. He rests his forehead on yours, keeps his eyes on yours, too. He starts panting, is fighting back tears. He is trying so hard not to cry right now.

“I love you.”

Fuck.

You let out another stuttered breath, and then your breathing picks up entirely as you fight back tears. Your arms are wrapped around him now, nails digging into his back like you’re afraid he will float away. Because you are, you’re so scared that if you let go, he will disappear. You don’t want him to disappear.

He starts pounding a bit deeper, grunting with each deep thrust as he grits out again,

“I love you.”

Fuck he needs to stop.

“Jungkook— nngh… don’t…”

He shakes his head, his breathing heavier, and his thrusts bordering on aggressive now. That’s not abnormal for him; sex with you both is regularly rough. But this is so different. It isn’t the dominating kind of aggressive but desperate, full of passion and love and grief.

“No, Y/N, look at me. I love you. I fucking love you so much, Y/N. I love you.”

And you break.

Crying for you also isn’t abnormal during sex with him specifically. It’s always intense, so sometimes you cry. Not out of sadness or pain; it just happens sometimes. He came to learn that quickly.

But just like how he’s making love to you, these tears are different. You’re weeping for the loss of your lover, but also because you are still so full of love for him. You’re crying because for the first time since this mess started between you, you believe him when he says he loves you. Deep down in your core, in every single crack and crevice of your being, you feel his love for you.

You see it in his eyes as he looks at you, you feel it in the way he touches and kisses you, you hear it in the way he speaks to you when he says it. He loves you so fucking much, and you regret refusing to see it until your last night together. You wish so badly you could have savored his love more seriously rather than deny yourself of it.

You wish things were different.

So you cry for him. The moment the first tear falls, you don’t hold back. You let out something between a moan and a sob as he fucks his cock into you, and his hips stutter when he realizes you’re crying. He didn’t want you to cry, fuck, he doesn’t think he can handle that right now without crying himself. He just wanted you to know, needed you to know that you are loved by him. So fucking loved.

He keeps his eyes on yours, watches the tears fall. He tilts his head slightly and starts kissing the tears away, even as they continue to fall. Greedily kisses them away because they are for him. This will be the last time you water his fully bloomed flower, so he will be greedy. Because he knows that after this, his flower will wilt away, maybe he will, too. So he lets you cry and he kisses and fucks you through it.

He feels himself getting close, his cock starting to twitch and his hips grinding harder into your pelvis. He feels you getting close, too, the way your cunt starts pulsing in rhythm with his cock. You’ve never come at the same time before. He hopes that tonight, he can make it happen.

“Fuck, you feel like home… I love you so much…”

A strangled sob escapes your throat at his words. It’s like he can’t stop saying it, can’t get the words out of his mouth enough. You’ve yet to say it back because you’re afraid his glittery eyes will water, too. But god, you need him to know.

“I love you too, Koo… more than anything…”

And you were right. Hearing you say it amidst your tears, combined with the way your pussy starts rippling around his cock, throbbing and clenching directly after you say it, it’s too much.

He cries. Tries to hide it with a moan, but it’s no use because his tears fall onto your cheeks. You both start crying harder, and he starts fucking you faster. His arms tighten around your waist, and he starts kissing you. Lets you taste your melded tears, his sorrow, his devotion, his love all poured out into this kiss and his tears.

You both water each others flower for the last time.

You feel the familiar pressure building as you kiss him back, your tears mixing with his, the taste addicting. You hate seeing him cry; you know it’s going to haunt you for weeks. But right now, you’re consumed with wanting to be as close to him as possible, and you want to share this moment with him.

You wrap your legs around his waist, and your hips start matching his thrusts. The kiss turns a bit sloppy and uncoordinated because he’s very clearly about to cum; you can feel his cock start twitching and pulsing aggressively inside of you.

“I love you, Y/N. I love you. I. Love. You.”

He groans loudly, his voice sounds strained and distraught. “Come with me.”

You assume he means he wants you to cum at the same time as him. He wants you to cum together, which is definitely going to happen; you feel the string about to snap on both sides.

But really, it had dual meaning. Cum with me, but also come with me. Anywhere, everywhere, please run away with me, please love me forever and ever, please save a piece of your heart for me, please don’t stay away from me forever.

One last thrust and his pelvis grinds into yours as his balls draw up taught. He whimpers into your mouth, and his pelvis grinding into you, mixed with how fucking deep his cock is inside of you, is enough stimulation to your clit to cause you to hurl over the edge a second time. You cream all over his dick, your hips writhing beneath him as you whine and moan into his mouth. His cock jerks hard inside of you, shooting hot ropes of cum that seem endless. Your souls meld together much like your tears do, and you both cum harder than you ever have.

It’s like, in this moment, you are one. You both share a garden, flowers at full bloom, no pesky cages or fences to hinder you from flourishing together. There’s sunlight, and bees, and soil, and plenty of water. It’s peaceful, it’s heaven, it’s home. It’s where you both swear you belong.

Both of your orgasms seem to last eternally. It’s endless, his cock jerking and spurting in rhythm to the way your pussy milks him and pulses around him. He stays buried to the hilt until his cock tires out and your pussy stops milking him.

Even after, he stays like this. You both say nothing as you silently cry together, still connected intimately as you share little kisses between tears.

You made love. He made love to you.

You know damn well you’re ruined for any other man going forward after that.

He exhales a shaky breath and starts peppering your face with little kisses. Despite the tears, he feels lighter than before. There’s still that impending sense of doom, but he knows in his heart that you know he loves you now. That’s all he wanted from tonight…

And despite the sex being pretty vanilla compared to what you usually do, Jesus fuck, that was the best sex he’s ever had.

As he attempts to kiss all of your tears away, he starts whispering the sweetest shit to you, even as he continues crying.

“My baby…”

Kiss.

“My love…”

Kiss.

“My pretty girl…”

Kiss.

“My angel…”

Kiss.

“My heart…”

Kiss.

“My soul…”

Kiss.

“My fucking everything…”

Kiss, kiss, kiss.

Fuck, it makes you swoon hearing all of those sweet words. Not sweet nothings, but sweet declarations. Pure truth. You are and have been his everything despite how fucked up it all is.

You always will be. Fucking always.

You cry a bit harder, nearly blubbering now. He keeps crying, too, not quite as hard as you because he doesn’t want this to be harder for you than it already is… but he knows the moment he leaves you in the morning, he will cry twice as hard.

You realize you’re still clinging to him; there are definitely going to be red marks all over his back. Your legs are still wrapped around his waist, keeping him buried inside of you because that’s where you swear he belongs. He would agree with you.

But you remove your hands from his back and bring them to cup his face, and you feel so fucking drained from the intense sex and crying and the entire goddamn rollercoaster of today… but you don’t want it to end. Fuck, you’re so afraid for it to end.

You place a soft kiss on his lips, “I love you. I really do. Always have, always will, forever and ever…”

He smiles sadly down at you, nods. Because he knows. He never once doubted how much you loved him; every single time he was with you, he felt your love. Even when you were mad at him, you made him feel loved. He wishes so badly that he could’ve made you feel as secure as you made him feel.

You will never know how utterly thankful for you he is.

“I know baby, I know…”

You let out another choked sob and bury your face in his neck. He lifts himself off of you slightly, and he moves himself so that he’s lying beside you instead of on top of you. You cling to him again, refuse to let him go. Can’t. Won’t. Don’t want to. Can’t fucking bear it.

He gently slips his cock out of you and then wraps his arms around you, one hand coming to cup the back of your head and stroke his fingers through your hair, the other rubbing your back soothingly.

You cry and cry and cry. It’s pitiful how hard you’re crying; if anyone saw you right now, they’d be certain someone had died. It really feels that way, as if he’s dying while holding you right now. He feels like he’s dying watching you crumble like this, but he doesn’t dare stop you.

He doesn’t even reassure you because all that would do is give you false hope for something that may not happen ever again. For all you know, after this, you will never cross paths. He may just become a ghost to you…

A flower that bloomed in the spring and died come winter.

There were so many things you wanted to do tonight. You wanted to shower together, wash his hair for him, show him how to bake those cookies you know he loves, stay up and talk about a bunch of pointless shit, rewatch your favorite movies together, fuck a few more times, choke on his dick one last time, kiss him and touch him all over all night. So so so much more.

You didn’t want to stop here. You wanted to stay awake and savor every last second together just as greedily as him. But god, as you sob in his arms, you feel yourself growing so heavy with exhaustion that you can’t keep your eyes open.

“Don’t let me fall asleep, Koo, make me stay awake…”

He buries his face in your hair, his tears making wet patches in your strands. He inhales deeply just to get another whiff of your shampoo, fuck, he needs to figure out which one it is before he leaves so he can buy it and use it. Doesn’t even care if it’s weird. Wants to smell like you. Wants to be surrounded by reminders of you forever.

Like you, he’s been crying this whole time but so quiet that you don’t even realize it. He made sure you wouldn’t realize it. This is your time to get comfort from him, he can’t offer you reassurance, but he damn sure can comfort you through the pain that is his fault.

“Rest, baby… I’m here…”

You shake your head at him, keep your face buried in his neck even as your eyes start to lull shut.

“No, slap me, keep me awake… don’t wanna… sleep… please…”

He can feel your body start to go limp, can feel your tears running down his neck. He knows you’ll be out cold soon. You were fighting a battle you just couldn’t win, and god he wishes he could keep you awake. But he knows you’re emotionally overloaded right now…

And maybe if you fall asleep in his arms, you’ll rest peacefully for tonight. You deserve that, he thinks. You deserve so much peace and happiness.

“It’s ok Y/N… I got you. Just sleep. My baby needs rest, hm?”

You try so fucking hard to respond. But he’s right; you’re fighting a losing battle. Your body can’t keep up with your brain to the point you’re slurring your words. Maybe it’s the after-effects of a fight or flight response because it really felt like you were fighting for your love when making love tonight… fighting to keep hold of his roots as they slowly became untwined from yours. And now, you’re simply too tired.

“I… I love you… so… much…”

He lets out a shaky breath and closes his eyes. Holds you a little tighter. Because, fuck, your last words before lulling into a deep sleep were that you loved him. It’s as it should be, but for some reason, it wrecks him, knowing that this is the last time he will hear them.

When your breathing evens out, he pulls back, stares at you. Your brows are furrowed even in sleep, clearly troubled. But you don’t stir and your grip on him loosens. You are so fucking beautiful. He wishes so badly he could just stay like this, watching you rest, in your arms while you’re in his.

Holding each other, as if you’re both one person instead of two.

He knows he won’t sleep tonight. He’s just as overwhelmed as you, but instead of his body shutting down, his adrenaline has spiked. He’s dreading leaving this bed, dreading leaving you.

He stares for an almost pathetic amount of time. Just lays beside you and takes in every soft detail of your face, traces his fingertips over your features. He finds himself wondering, what if he married you instead? What if you met sooner? What if you lived with him and had his babies one day?

What if… he left his wife?

He has to stop himself there. He makes a pained noise and buries his face in your hair again because he knows he can’t think like that. He could leave his wife; he probably should, but he feels like he owes her his life, his devotion. He married her, for fucks sake.

And even if he did leave, he doubts you’d ever be capable of having a healthy and stable relationship. People in these situations rarely do; it’s a form of karma, he thinks. Husbands who cheat and marry their mistresses often get cheated on, or they end up do it again.

He swears, fucking swears on his life that he would never do that to you. But he knows you probably wouldn’t trust him; any woman in your situation wouldn’t. You’d always be left wondering if he’d turn around and do the same to you one day.

Oh, Jungkook, how badly you’ve fucked up…

He has no idea how much time has passed by the time he checks the little alarm clock on your bedside table. He honestly can’t recall when he got here or what time ‘one more night’ started, but as of now, it’s 5 am.

He wants to stay. Wants to fall asleep holding you, wake up and make you breakfast, draw you a cozy bath and massage your back for you… wants to treat you as a lover would.

But he knows that if he doesn’t leave soon, he won’t leave at all. The moment you open your eyes, he will beg again. He will cry and beg and plead for you to change your mind.

Which is way too selfish, considering he’s still a coward, still unwilling to leave his wife both out of fear and knowing the reality of what happens once he does.

So he places one last kiss on your forehead, breathes you in one last time, and then quietly extracts himself from your hold. Standing up and getting off the bed, he looks down at you.

He swears he can see the exact place you keep his stolen heart inside of you. He doesn’t want it anymore, it’s yours. Always will be.

He slowly starts dressing himself again with robotic-like motions. He isn’t crying anymore; he feels kind of numb at this point, or maybe his tears have just run out.

Acceptance? Or the calm before the storm? He isn’t sure.

He doesn’t bother taking a shower; can’t be bothered right now even if he smells like sex… smells like your sex specifically. He can blame it on being lazy, but he knows it’s because he wants your smell to linger a bit longer. He will shower later.

Once fully dressed he pads his way into the living room, grabs the bag full of stuff he packed for you. He takes it back into your bedroom and sits it at the end of the bed.

He carefully collects each Polaroid he took of you for himself and stuffs them in his wallet for safekeeping. After nearly considering changing his mind and taking the camera greedily, he decides he’ll leave it for you, even though it was a gift you got him. He knows you love it, but also knows you’d never buy one for yourself. And if he’s being honest with himself, he doesn’t think he could ever use it again without thinking of you. It would feel wrong to use it without you.

So he sets that on the end of the bed. He opens the bag, carefully takes out the clothing he packed for you, folds them, and arranges them in a neat pile. Next, he takes out the box of Polaroids; he made sure to put a label on it before coming that said ‘For Y/N.’ He sets the box next to the clothes and then carefully places the chain he packed on top of the pile of clothes.

He wants to arrange it almost as a surprise, hoping it’ll feel more like a gift and not so much like a goodbye this way.

Now that the bag is empty, his intrusive thoughts return. He wants so badly to turn into a little thief and take some of your stuff, too. You would have gladly offered it to him, anything he wanted, but you’re asleep. And he can’t stay much longer.

His intrusive thoughts win, and he can’t find himself feeling too guilty.

So he reaches down and grabs the panties you had on earlier, the same panties that he sucked on like a damn popsicle, and he puts them in the bag.

He quietly makes his way into your bathroom, looks around for a moment until he finds exactly what he’s looking for: the star pimple patches. He takes them, noticing that they’re in a cute little case with a face on it. He knows you love these things; they make pimples feel less like some kind of imperfection. He loves them, too. They remind him of a time when you showered him with love.

You won’t miss them, he thinks again. Not as much as he’ll miss you.

He greedily holds onto them, looks around to see if there’s anything else he can steal. He sees your scarf hanging on the back of your bathroom door; it was the scarf you wore one of the first times he took you to dinner. It’s honestly kind of ugly; it’s a dark and muted plaid, but you loved it because of how soft and warm it is.

It smells very strongly of you.

It’s his now.

He takes the scarf and decides that’s enough. He’s greedy, but he’s not an actual thief. Maybe more like a rat. As much as he wants to steal your shampoo, he decides just to make a mental note of the name because he knows you'll need it to shower when you wake up.

He stuffs the patches and scarf into the same bag and stands before you on the bed. Fuck. He doesn’t want to go. He doesn’t want to leave you.

But now is the perfect time; you’re sleeping soundly, dead to the world. If he leaves like this, there will be no hysterical begging or crying from either party.

Still, he finds himself procrastinating. He decides to open the box of Polaroid photos he packed just to make sure none of the ones he kept for himself snuck their way in. They didn’t. He knows they didn’t. But never hurts to double-check.

He comes across one photo in particular… it was a photo he took one night after you both had some very intense sex. He rented a motel that night because he was in Busan for business, and of course, he dragged you along with him. Busan is his hometown, and his wife has always hated it. She was born and raised in Seoul and always claims Busan is too boring, not lively enough. She always refused to go with him, even if it was to visit his parents.

You, on the other hand, you were so fucking excited to go. You talked his ear off the entire ride there, and once you arrived, you were so interested in everything around you. It was so fucking sweet because you told him the reason you were so excited was because it was a part of him. He was born here, which makes the place sacred. It was dramatic, but god, it was precious.

After you guys fucked that night, you both showered together. You got out of the shower before him, and you snapped a few pictures with the Polaroid; he made sure to put those in the box for you. At some point after, you were lying in the bed watching some cartoon on the motel TV, and he was smoking a cigarette. He noticed a vivid handprint from where he was slapping your ass while fucking you from behind. It was the first time he wasn’t really concerned about it, but proud. Because in some fucked up way, he marked you, even if it was temporary. You were his, and even if you doubted it, he was yours.

It was the same feeling he got tonight when giving you those hickeys. Just a little reassurance that you belong to him.

He took the photo to kind of solidify the feeling, preserve it. It was very aesthetically pleasing. One of his favorites, he’s realizing. He almost wants to take this one.

But instead, he decides to leave it with you, and before he does so he grabs a pin from your desk and writes:

I won’t let you forget us

-Kook

It’s cryptic, he knows. Maybe it’s selfish to leave a message like that… but perhaps it’ll keep you open for him. Not that he expects you to wait for him to get his shit together, god never. But maybe you’ll allow him to check on you now and then, maybe you won’t block his number, maybe, just maybe, you’ll save a piece of your heart for him…

He sets the photo down on top of the pile of folded clothes and steps back. He looks at the clock again, sees that it’s now 5:50 am. He has no idea how time passed that quickly because it only felt like maybe ten minutes had passed. He must have been moving slowly; his brain must have realized how much he was fighting this inevitable end.

As he stares down at your sleeping form, he genuinely considers staying. Considers refusing to leave.

And that’s exactly why he chooses this moment to leave. He has to get the fuck out of here before he does something stupid.

He walks over to you once more, leans down, and places a kiss on your forehead, then your cheek, then your chin, and starts peppering your face with kisses all over again. His heart is pounding fast, and he has the urge to run. With one last kiss to your lips, he yanks himself away and grabs the bag now full of items that don’t belong to him.

He wants to take in your space one last time, wants to linger and look around because this has been his safe space for literal months. But he fucking can’t. He feels his resolve weakening quickly by the second and knows one more second here, and he won’t leave.

He quickly makes his way out of your apartment, is nearly panting as he walks out of your complex and down to his car. His hands are shaking, his heart is beating at a scary pace, and he starts to feel fucking sick.

He borderline throws the bag in his back seat, and then gets into his car quickly. His hands shake so severely that he fumbles with his keys as he starts the engine. The moment the car turns on, he’s peeling out of the parking lot.

It wasn’t acceptance. It was indeed the calm before the storm.

He’s never felt like this before. He feels nauseous and almost panicky as he drives robotically down the morning streets of Seoul. His breathing is coming in so fast he gets dizzy.

It all hits him at once. This is the end. FIN. Over.

He swears he feels his flower die at that very moment. It wasn’t uprooted and moved to another garden; someone fucking stepped on his fully bloomed Bearded Iris. One second he was thriving, flourishing, and now he’s fucking dead.

He doesn’t even recognize the sounds of his own choked sobs as he drives down the street. He can’t breathe. He can’t fucking see. He feels like he’s dying, truly, he almost considers calling for help because he feels so full of despair and grief.

But who would he call? His wife? That's a fucking joke. You? He can't call you anymore. He can't call his friends either because none of them know. He's on his fucking own now.

Nothing could have prepared him for what it feels like to grieve the death of a love who is still alive.

He ends up pulling into a random parking lot once he’s a safe distance from your apartment. He slams his palms on his steering wheel and just fucking bawls. Tears fog his eyes, and he sounds almost childish because of the force in which he’s crying.

He knew the day he lost you would be the day that that he died. And right now, he is dying for you.

It isn’t until 10 am that you stir awake. You instinctively reach for him, but your hands only find cold sheets, meaning he left a while ago…

You didn’t expect him to leave so soon. You expected to be able to wake up to him one last time, so you’re disappointed when you realize his clothes aren’t on the floor anymore, and you don’t hear the sounds of him awake and making coffee in the kitchen.

But you suppose that was a smart move. If he had stayed, it would have just made it harder for you both, most likely.

You feel oddly… numb. As of now, no sadness. The only thing you feel is almost like a little zap in your chest; it’s subtle, to the point you aren’t even sure if it’s really there.

It’s off. Somethings not quite right.

You ignore the weird hollow feeling as you sit up and stretch; you realize you never showered, and you smell heavily of sex. So you get out of bed, and you make your way into your bathroom. You start the shower after using the bathroom, and as you wait to warm it up, you look at yourself in the mirror.

Fuck.

You are literally littered with marks. Your neck, all the way down to your chest, all the way down to your thighs. Purple and pink love bites all over you. He seriously fucked you up.

You feel that zap again.

You shake your head and tear your eyes away from the mirror, don’t notice how your star patches are missing from your skincare tub on your bathroom counter yet. You step inside the shower and spend a good while letting the hot water wash over your body, washing the remnants of sex and sweat off of your skin.

After about half an hour, you step out. Dry off. Get dressed. That’s when you walk back into your bedroom and notice the pile of clothing sitting on your bed. Clothing that isn’t yours.

You slowly approach it and quickly recognize the strong scent lingering on it: his cologne. You unhurriedly pick up each piece of clothing, see the shirt and hoodie you often attempted to steal from him, accompanied by one of his favorite jackets.

He left pieces of himself for you.

Zap.

You set them aside and pick up the chain and photo. Fuck, you love his chains. You always loved them because, one, they’re fucking hot, and two, you loved how they would dangle above you when he was fucking you. You doubt he realized it, but sometimes you’d bite it as he was fucking you, tug on it like a damn dog playing with their favorite chew toy just to see if it would break. It never did, and you never stopped being fascinated with his jewelry.

Zap.

You look at the photo and immediately recall the memory. Busan, now one of your favorite places, all because of him. It was such a good little trip. You tried a lot of street food you never had before, saw a lot of pretty things, and he fucked you beautifully that night. It was rough, passionate, and he left hand prints on your ass, and much like him, you loved it. This was one of your favorites, for sure.

But then you read the note.

I won’t let you forget us.

Zap. Zap. Zap.

You drop the photo and the chain on top of the clothes, let out a shaky breathe. Still, you aren’t really feeling much, maybe a bit of nostalgia accompanying the zaps… but no despair, no yearning or grieving…

Calm before the storm.

You decide you need some coffee and painkillers. You have a lingering migraine from all of the wine and crying last night, so you leave your bedroom and make your way into the kitchen.

You start making your coffee and swallow the painkillers dry. You lean against the counter as your coffee brews, then freeze when you look at the floor.

The purple wild flower lays there, stepped on by he-who-shall-not-be-named’s boot. Wilted and destroyed, the petals disconnected from the stem.

The flower is dead.

And now you break.

Those zaps you were feeling, you suddenly understand. It was your fight or flight kicking in again, and instead of your brain responding to it, it blocked it out.

Can’t fight it now.

You drop to your knees, start breathing heavily because you feel like someone placed bricks on your chest. Your heart aches, literally, it hurts, it feels like it’s going to explode and you feel like you can’t breathe at all.

You start crying again… no- you’re fucking wailing. You’re crying out for the loss of your flower, for the death of a lover who isn’t even dead, much like Jungkook had earlier.

It finally hits you that he isn't coming back. He's gone, and now, you're expected to move on. Your heart aches for him. Without him, do you even have a heart?

No, you really don’t, not right now anyway. The moment he stepped out that door, he took it with him. He fucking stole your heart just like he stole your pimple patches and perfume.

All you can do is cry for him, except right now, you don’t have him to cling to for empty comfort. Instead, you reach for the dead wildflower, hold it in your palm, bring it to your chest, and cradle it close as if you can somehow bring it back to life.

Bring him back to you.

Little do you know, he’s currently curled up in his bed at his second apartment. He hasn’t stopped crying since he left. He went back home, took the stolen perfume, and sprayed it all over his damn bed, and now he’s hugging a pillow as if it’s you. Imagining that it’s you, that this is all just a horrible dream, and he will wake up soon.

Both of you are lovers, stars who collided, planets who aligned, flowers who grew side by side.

But it was at the wrong time. And now you’re paying the consequences of your paths crossing when they shouldn't have.

So far away in the matter of hours when you were once so close, yet you’re both doing the exact same thing; clinging to shreds of each other and wishing so fucking badly that things could be different.

Both of you left each other without returning your hearts. Both of your flowers got stepped on instead of uprooted and re-planted somewhere safer.

Spring has passed, no longer bees buzzing and flowers blooming, but the cold harsh winter is coming.

It will be a while before either of you bloom again, if at all.

[lintubintu]

Kot Kot Review

I like Kot Kot a lot.

Despite the almost harsh difference between the intro and how the song progresses, it´s not too out there.

The music seems chaotic and structured, is melodic, nostalgic and two-faced more out of necessity than provocation, and it´s ongoing. It spirals.

There is a lovely moodiness to it that seems mature and balanced, deliberately using the intro as a bridge again and repurposing the funky "kot kot" into something that softens into the lighter part of the song. The change of pace is noticeable but not alarming and almost hopeful.

Kot Kot is not a big song nor does it exist to troll. It enjoys being silly with the chicken theme and builds a narrative that can be purposely misunderstood by people who don´t like him.

During my first listen I was a little confused but intrigued by the seemingly contradicting parts that adapt well by the second listen. Pop and Rap evolve from clashing into shaking hands.

It feels a bit like a song nobody would put on an album anymore because it is deemed barely good enough to keep up with its fellow, more popular tunes. It stands on its own where others see a filler track.

Overall, it makes me have more hope for the album now; for it to be an album and not just a compilation of Singles.

I wouldn´t be surprised if this song was the opening number, nor would I be shocked to not find an Intro at all – Kot Kot is an introduction in itself.

From what I understand of the lyrics, it also is the first song of his that makes me want to know more about him as a lyricist.

To start the song of with MAYDAY is a deliberate choice because the song is not what it seems.

It´s soft spoken and not a shrill cry for help but knows of something that already affects the narrator enough that reaching out soon is imminent. It´s a literal stress signal.

The teaser made me think the protagonist in this song was simply sick of being treated like someone doomed to continue staging a party for others.

Relying on translations and interpretations of this song, the protagonist seems to realise that their lifestyle will rather leave them with very little time spent having fun with friends – because even the party-goers have gone to bed earlier than them.

Those that tried to keep up with them may have lost their step and had to give in to their own different schedules, or are worse off for keeping them company. So their company diminishes further.

There might be little life beyond the lifestyle, the sobering thought that solitude is too close within reach for comfort – the time left after work cannot always be shared nor of quality due to their schedule.

A double blow. Real life and bonding has to be spent in time confetti. Throughout it all, the silliness persists.

Rather laughable is the Explicit rating of this song. Was it the Perhana!?

The ending is a jumpscare, them finally being silly, breaking the cycle. But at the same time, it´s a rooster greeting the morning – the protagonist worked the night away.

For a moment, you are relieved the song is over. And then you play it again.

I would love for the upcoming album to be a concept album.

This song seems to divide people in a different way than songs before it did.

Some of you seem puzzled, others more neutral than hateful, none of the dislike so far is really loud.

The timing might be a bit unfortunate – song releases at this hour have the same problems as the protagonist in Kot Kot.

And even if you really don´t like this song, I fell that there will be something on the album that you will like.

It´s ok to not like things and it doesn´t have to be justified.

Still, I am interested to hear what you don´t like about this song because I think it makes for a worthwhile conversation and I like interacting with you.

Let´s do that while we have the time.

[ccaramel-llow]

I present to you: A request featuring Jax, Zooble, Gangle, and Caine with a musician s/o because DAMMIT it sounds adorable

Reader’s a goofy fella, real silly, they can play a BUNCH of instruments, sing well, dancing, they love it

but they can be a shut in sometimes 👉👈

seeing as Zooble does the theme song (and has to rework it when someone new shows up-) and I just get the vibes you can’t convince me that Zooble isn’t at least a little bit of music nerd /lh /j

(i am also a music nerd tbh, Thats why me and zooble are marri WOAH WHO SAID THAT)

JAX

. Honestly he'd ask you to to play an instrument over someone while their speaking because hes a little evil shit you know?

. Makes fun of you and says your music sucks when he secretly loves it when you play.

, He finds you attractive and hot if you play the guitar while screaming angst-y shit if your emo like that/j , but he bullies you for doing that as well.

, He'd ask you to teach him how to play the drums while your speaking to someone. not because hes jealous or anything, Nope. He is.

, He sucks ASS and DOG SHIT at dancing. Expect him to step on your feet if you try to dance together.

, Since you're a "shut in" He tries to get you out more but then later gives up and just comes into you're room or personal business without warning to smother you with his so called " Love language " (Which is just bothering you until you yell at him to shut the fuck up)

, Hides in your room to listen to you play, Or sits outside your room just so he can hear you play.

, Loves it when you sing, He has to fight his demons and intrusive thoughts (he wants to sing along with you to rizz you up COU-)

, Beats up and bullies anyone who says you aren't great at playing, Dancing, Etc.

" My lover IS the best musician here. Wanna repeat that you little s(*&$! ?"

ZOOBLE

, They pretend like they don't care. Like at all.

, Although, In reality they care and love your music a lot! They even ask you to teach them how to play an instrument

, Zooble would always listen and be there for you when you played, Enjoying the soft/Rough melody of a song that you were presenting for them in a private space.

, Tell's everyone to shut up when your about to play, And mask's their excitement with anger.

, Their eye's shine when you pull out an instrument and their eyes go dull whenever you weren't gonna play.

, Ask's you to play a song sometimes when their in a bad mood.

, Zooble also cannot dance for jack SHIT. Do not try to teach them how to dance. They'll go insane i swear.

, Since you're a shut in, She always asks if you're busy or not, Or if your comfortable or stressed before asking to play a song because they dont want you to get overwhelmed.

, Adores your voice, And always secretly makes sure you dont over stress your voice out.

, Compliments you when you're finished singing.

" You did great out there. Uh, Hope you dont mind teaching me how to play soon?... "

GANGLE

, She LOVES It when you play calming melodies using your preferred instrument.

, Probably asks you to play the violin as she stares at you with heart shaped eyes.

, Would go feral on Jax if he breaks your instrument on purpose and cry with you in your room trying to comfort you.

, Smothers you with a lot of compliments when you are finished playing.

, Rants about you often to show you off and because you cant get off her mind.

, She smiles brightly when you play an instrument.

, I feel like she'd be an okay dancer!! She'd ask you to dance every now and then, But if you dipped her during dancing she'd be extremely flustered and her eyes would turn into the shape of a heart.

, Likes to hum along with you while you sing. Gangle really is inlove with your voice and starts to just doze off while admiring you.

" (Name) Is the very best person i had ever met... I hope xey play more melodies soon!! I love it when they sing.... BUT YOU DIDNT HEAR THAT FROM M-"

CAINE

, He would honestly go ' AWOOGA HOT DAMN ' all over you.

, Can play piano, Please let him duet with you.

, Stares at you with lovey dove-y goo goo eyes while playing, Admiring you as you both play, Definitely not imagining you guys making out.

, Like Gangle, He too smothers you with compliments but extreme. Like, He's peppering your face with teeth kisses if given consent.

, Since he's short, He'd love to dance with you!! He has to float if your too tall, But if your the same height, He attempts to pull the spin and dip move on you to rizz you up.

, ADORES YOUR SINGING. SING FOR HIM PLEASE.

, He always records you singing and listens to you singing in his free time while thinking about you.

, Would always try to get you to open up since your a shut in. If your always in your room, He always tries to get you out because he's afraid you would reach your breaking point and abstract. He cant lose you.

" My dearest is the absolute best at playing instruments, Dancing, And all that stuff... Oh how much i love xem.... What do you mean they aren't?"

[dbnightingale24]

My Little Decoy

A StevexReaderxBucky Messy Triangle

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Another story for Patreon! So, for this one, I'm a bit anxious (when am I not?), because this definitely took off in the complete opposite direction of what I initially planned. That being said, I hope you all enjoy it!

Thank you as always to @fuckingbye for the amazing moodboard, I love you to bits for literally everything you do! I was in the middle of updating three other stories when this idea came to me, so please just work with me! (I'm so sorry I'm like this.)

Anywho, here we go!

Word Count: 34,776 (I'm not even gonna apologize anymore)

Warnings: Honestly, this entire fucking story. SMUT (MINORS DNI 18+ ONLY), Threesome, Lying, Infidelity, Emotional Cheating, Swearing, Drinking, Infertility, Family Drama, Angst, Lusting, Daddy Kink, Running Away, Tie Play, Cuff Play, Crying, Fluff, Best friends to lovers...that's all I can think of? They're honestly so many.

Song(s) That Inspired This Chapter: Don't Look So Blue, You Should've Seen Right Thru, I'm Using You, My Little Decoy

Summary: You truly do have the best intentions when you try to move on and suppress your feelings for your best friend Steve, and try to move on with Bucky. Unfortunately, life doesn't give a damn about intentions. Neither does love.

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I do not give consent/permission for my stories/works to get posted elsewhere. I do not condone this type of behavior, this is for entertainment purposes only.

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You wonder how the hell it got to this point in the first place as you lay in Steve’s soft bed sheets. What feels like it should be a quiet moment of peace is juxtaposed with your current reality; Bucky pounding on the front door and you and Steve conspiring to think of some kind- any kind- of excuse.

You truly don’t understand how it got to this. 

It all feels like it started so long ago. You didn’t even know 6 years could feel so fast, much less pass so quickly. You look around at where you are now, at Steve, as you listen to the shaking of the front door against Bucky’s fist as he continues thumping away. Fuck. What if memories lie? Maybe it is that long ago.

~~

6 Years Earlier...

“Babe, you ever had a night out in the city?” Bucky asked as you took off your gear.

Training was brutal and everyone was looking for a way to relieve stress. You knew The Avengers were all planning to meet up at some club downtown, but you had other plans. 

“I have, and as much fun as it can be, I have other plans,” you laugh as you take your hair out of the tightest ponytail you’d ever had it in. 

“Oh? What are you getting into?” Natasha laughs, making her way over with Bruce holding onto her as if he’d lose her.

“My friend’s band is playing tonight. I promised her I’d go if we finished up early enough.”

“Oh, this I gotta see!” Bruce chimes in as you laugh and shake your head. “You never let us have a peak into your personal life!”

“God, I haven’t been to a show in forever,” Natasha chimes in with raised eyebrows.

He wasn’t wrong. You played everything so close to the chest; wanting to keep those you love and care for the most safe...wanting to keep yourself safe. Since none of them were relenting (not to mention they’re the damn Avengers), you finally agreed and told them to meet you outside of your room at the compound in about two hours.

“Is it too late for me to get in on this?” Steve asks just as the group was about to disperse.

“There you are!” Bucky interjects before anyone has a chance to say anything. “Y/N is giving us a peak into her personal life! We’re all meeting at her place in two hours and going from there,” he laughs patting his best friend on the back. 

Steve looked at you with a cocked eyebrow and you just laugh and nod, giving him the ‘OK’ to tag along. Unbeknownst to the others, you and Steve hung out the most. No, he’d never been privy to your personal life, but you two spent a lot of time watching movies and listening to music together on the weekends. Occasionally, Bucky would get in on the action, but it was mainly you and Steve. You and Steve had a certain level of comfort that you didn’t have with the rest of them. It was more of an unspoken, private thing and that’s how the both of you preferred it. You both understood each other, and neither of you ever made the other feel sad or out of place for things that had gone wrong in each other’s past. You both had wounds you were still healing from, and you gave each other the space needed for that to happen. 

You’d always had a thing for Steve. He kept himself at a distance, so it was difficult for you to tell if he ever felt the same. After a while, you’d stopped trying and just accepted him as a friend. He told you that he’d wanted to go back and stay with Peggy, but he was too afraid to leave Bucky on his own again, so he’d come back instead. He wasn’t even sure if Bucky would ever be okay with being alone; Steve just stayed without asking him. It seemed like the right thing to do, and he didn’t hate the current timeline too much.

Soon enough, everyone is in your small little complex, drinking and laughing as you put together the last bit of your outfit. The thought of Steve joining all of you had you more anxious than you cared to admit, so you chalked it up to the normal anxiety of inviting your work colleagues into your personal life.

Which was more than fair.

“I’m sure you look amazing, lets go! I’m too excited for this!” Natasha hollers as she makes her way into your bedroom.

“Nat!”

“Oh, they’re all in there drinking away! You’re fine,” she laughs, closing the door behind her. “Well shit!”

“I swear to God, I’ll change right now!”

“No! You look amazing!” she promised as her hands covered her mouth. “None of us have ever seen you out of work clothes, and babe...you look amazing,” she laughs in shock. 

“Should I change? I don’t want to give anyone the wrong idea-”

“If you’re comfortable, who cares. No one wants to interfere with your personal life. I think we’re all more afraid of pushing you away,” she laughs.

“You really think it’s okay?”

“I mean, I think you’re hot as fuck,” she laughed as you rolled your eyes, “but I think you look amazing.”

“You sure?”

“Get enough alcohol in them , they won’t even notice when you leave for the bathroom,” she laughed.

Even though you laughed along with her, you knew better. James Buchanan Barnes kept his attention on you almost as well as Steve, but you never thought anything of it. It always had a more platonic feeling than with Steve, almost more familial.   

When you came out, Steve was the first to look at you. His mouth slightly agape was enough to make you wanna go back, but Bucky was quick to chime in-

“Someone is ready for a night out,” he laughed.

That’s all it took. 

Soon enough, you were taking shots and laughing with everyone else. Even Pepper and Tony were excited and joined you all. Your life was something so foreign to them, and you could tell that they all felt extremely excited that you trusted them enough. 

In all honesty, you felt more comfortable because Steve was there. You knew he’d never let anything happen to you, and you’d never let anything happen to him. If you were being completely honest, you’d only wanted to invite him out. How it spiraled, you’re still not sure but it did. It The only thing that felt off was letting him see you dressed as you were. It was weird for all of them to see you dressed as you were, but Steve couldn’t take his eyes off you.

You were in red plaid crop top, with tight fighting black jeans that hugged your hips in just the right way, and black low top heels. You put your hair in loose curls, and finished it off with eyeliner and mascara. After a brutal day of training, you really didn’t wanna spend forever doing your makeup, because you knew you’d wanna come home after everything was over and go right back to sleep. Yeah, everything was hugging your body in just the right way, but you weren’t about to change. 

You were introducing them to your life.

Before you all left, Thor filled three flasks with his mead from Asgard for himself, Steve, and Bucky and you laughed pretty damn hard.

“We wanna enjoy this night too,” he winked at you as you rolled your eyes. 

The walk was easy enough, but it felt like it took forever. People kept asking for pictures with the OG Avengers, they had a million questions, and of course they were all happy to be as kind as possible. It’s not that you minded all that much, but you really missed your best friend. Work had been kicking your ass, she had been extremely busy, and was in the middle of planning her wedding. Nights off were extremely rare, but actually getting to see her and her friends perform? It had been forever.

“You made it!” she squealed once you were finally inside the club with everyone, almost knocking you over with how hard she hugged you.

“I told you I’d show! Even if I would’ve only caught the last song,” you laughed as you hugged her back just as tight. “We still on for drinks after?”

“Fuck yes! Your tits look amazing in this top, we’re definitely getting free drinks out of it,” she beamed with a wink and you burst out laughing. “Okay, I’ve seen all of you on TV, but I still wanna officially meet everyone,” she smiled at everyone. “I’m Meg.”

As everyone went around introduced themselves, you made your way to the bar, to grab your signature Jack and Coke.

“Hell yes! You made it!” Meg’s finance, Paul, beamed as he made your drink.

“Why is everyone so shocked that I’m here?!”

“You haven’t been to a show in years!”

“Blah, blah, blah,” you muttered as you reached behind the bar and grabbed his pack of cigarettes.

“You bring the Avengers with you and you dare to steal from me?” he sneered sarcastically as he handed you your drink.

You laughed as you reached across the bar and kissed his cheek, “I’m sure our friendship will survive it.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Dude, I had no idea the place would be so packed tonight.”

“I have a feeling everyone here had a long ass Friday.” “Yeah, well they better treat my baby right.” “You two!”

He rolled his eyes as he flipped you off, “enjoy the show!”

“Thank you, Paaauuullll,” you sang out as everyone joined you.

You looked up to see Steve staring at you intently, and he quickly turned towards the stage when he realized he was caught. Before you could allow yourself to think on it or feel flattered, you heard your best friend yell from the stage as she started to make her guitar scream.

“We’re ‘Flowers of Cinnamon’, and thanks for spending your Friday night with us!”

From that moment on, you were barely paying attention to your surroundings. With the exception of your drink, you didn’t focus on anything other than your best friend rocking the fuck out. It had always just been a hobby for her, but she had always been so damn good at it. You envied how effortlessly performing came to her. The band was a cross between Paramore, The Bangles, and All Time Low, and they were just as amazing as you remembered. You wouldn’t have been able to stay still even if you’d wanted to. You sang and danced along to every song, bouncing around, and screaming your head off. You had no clue that Steve had been watching you with the biggest grin on his face, Bucky had been watching your chest bounce up and down, or that Tony had been recording your reaction to your best friend’s music, smiling so hard at your happiness.

Every other song, your best friend made eye contact with you and laughed, and nothing else seemed to matter. Thinking back on it, you wished it had, because maybe things wouldn’t have gotten so fucked up, but you were just so damn happy. The more drinks got, the more you danced and sang around, finally feeling comfortable and happy, even with your new set of friends watching you.

“Okay, this is gonna be our last song for the night,” Meg smiled into the microphone and she laughed at amount of “boos” they received. “Listen, I wanna get fucked up too!” she joked, gaining laughs from the crowd. “Okay, so tonight is extremely special because my best friend on the entire planet is here and brought her friends with her! Thanks babe! So, our last song is gonna be a cover of one of her favorite songs ever,” she winked at you as you cocked an eyebrow.

As soon as you heard the first cord of ‘Decoy’ by Paramore hum out of the speakers, you screamed so loud that everyone in your group (and Paul) started laughing. 

‘Close your eyes and make believe that this is where you wanna be

Forgetting all the memories, try to forget love cause love’s forgotten me

Well hey, hey baby, it’s never too late

Pretty soon you won’t remember a thing

All I’ll be distant, the stars reminiscing

Your heart’s been wasted on me’

You sang along so effortlessly as you started to jump up and down.

‘You’ve never been so used as I’m using you, abusing you

My little decoy

Don’t look so blue, you should’ve seen right through

I’m using you, my little decoy

My little decoy’

You linked arms with Nat, who clearly didn’t know the song, but was more than happy to sing and dance along with you. You glanced around and it made you so happy to see everyone else happy and having a good time. It’s not like you were a stick in the mud at work but, you never let loose. Even when it came to holiday and birthday parties, you were pretty damn reserved. The only person who can claim that they’ve seen you fucked up is Steve, and even then it was just you being wine drunk on the sofa while you two listened to albums and discussed work.

No, this was you letting lose and everyone accepting it. Accepting you. You looked over at Steve and he a look of pure love and adoration in his eyes, and it made your heart swell. 

God, you wished you would’ve paid more attention to the way both he and Bucky looked at you that night, but you were just so damn happy and having so much fun.

If you could turn back time...

“Am I still okay at singing?” Meg asked once she finally made her way over to all of you.

“Dude, you’re still fucking amazing!” you beamed as you wrapped her in a tight hug and she laughed. “That was so good! Thank you for playing ‘Decoy’, almost making me cry!”

“Aha!” she teased before she looked at everyone else. “What about Earth’s mightiest heroes? Were you all able to tolerate it?”

“That was amazing,” Tony laughed, Pepper nodding in agreement.

“Why don’t you do this full time?” Nat asked as you waived Paul down and got another drink for both you and Meg.

“If I did this full time, I’d be so stressed all the damn time,” Meg laughed, “I’m much happier painting.”

“What do you paint? Do you have a studio?” Clint inquired and a smile came to your face.

Things were going better than you could have ever imagined. 

As everyone got acquainted, you snuck to have a smoke. A few moments later, a smile came to your face when you saw Steve come out after you.

“You said you’re quitting those,” he nodded towards the cigarette in your hand. 

“I stole Paul’s,” you laughed, standing a little further from him so as to not get the smoke in his face. 

“I can handle it,” he laughed as he placed his black leather jacket on you. “You’re pretty...exposed and I don’t want you getting cold.”

“Well, aren’t you just the sweetest man?” you teased before you inhaled your cancer stick. “Who else knows about this? I’ll call the ‘New York Times’” He snickered as he shook his head, “quiet you.”

“Are you having fun tonight?”

“I am, I like you seeing like this.”

You scoffed, “crazy?” “Happy...content. Secure.”

You felt your cheeks heat up at his words, and the look he gave you along with it, had butterflies appearing in your stomach.

“We should get back inside,” you smiled at up at him as you ashed the last of your cigarette and threw it in the nearby trash bin. 

And maybe that’s when it started.

You just missed all the signs that night, because you were convinced Steve didn’t want you.

He convinced you he didn’t want you. 

When the two of you got back inside, Paul had just finished up his shift and the guys had finished helping Meg back up her equipment which she had decided to lock up in the manager’s office for the night. 

“Dancing! We need dancing!” she whined once her eyes landed on you.

“Hell yeah we do,” you laughed as you linked arms with both her and Nat.

Once again, you didn’t notice the way Bucky ogled you or the way Steve kept a close eye on you. When you all reached the next bar, you instantly ordered more drinks and pulled Nat and Meg onto the dance floor with you, still wearing Steve’s coat. He leaned against the bar, talking with Tony and Pepper, but still kept an eye on you. As Janet Jackson’s voiced filled the giant building, you danced around with the biggest smile on your face (at some point Meg had put her sunglasses on your face), smiling and waiving at Bucky when you saw his eyes glued to you.

Well, glues to your ass.

By the time everyone was ready to call it a night, you were drunk as shit.

“You’re not coming back to the compound?” Nat asked as she stumbled out after you.

“Nah, I wanna sleep in my own space tonight. It’s closer,” you giggled as you started giving out hugs.

“I can take you,” Bucky offered with a slick grin.

“I can take her, she’s on the way to my house,” Steve countered, and Meg cocked an eyebrow at you.

You just started dancing and walking. 

“Goodnight everyone! Get home safe! I love you all!”

You were drunk, tired, and in no mood to figure out whatever that was about. You just wanted to go home and get in your bed. You honestly don’t know why you didn’t go back to the compound that night, but it just felt right to go to your own home. You already spent so little time there to begin with. A few moments later, you heard the hurried footsteps of someone behind you, but you kept looking ahead.

“You’re impatient when you’re drunk,” Steve laughed as he came up beside you.

A small smile came to your face at the fact that Steve was the one to walk you home.

You giggled as you leaned into him, “my feet hurt.”

No sooner than you said it, he scooped you up.

“Steve!”

“You weigh nothing, don’t worry about it, darlin.” “It’s a 30 minute walk!” 

“I’m very well aware of where your apartment is.” “Steve-”

“Hush.”

You pouted but did as you were told, leaned into him, and took in the scent that was all his own. Something between woodsy and fresh cut grass. In your drunken state, he felt like home.

“Why didn’t you want Bucky to take me home?” you asked after a few moments, not missing the way he stiffened a bit.

“He’s a little buzzed and he gets a little handsy and flirty at times. I didn’t want him to bother you.” You giggled as you took in more of his scent, “you’re literally carrying me, Steve.” “You said your feet hurt.” “Are you a little buzzed?”

“I definitely don’t feel sober,” he chuckled softly and you softly sighed at the comfort of rumble in his chest.

“Do you wanna sleepover?”

“I’ll order a car service once I drop you off.”

“Why not order one now?”

“It was weird...everyone hanging out tonight. I feel like we haven’t hung out alone together in a while.” “Then why not sleepover?”

“Cause I should go home. I don’t wanna accidentally wake you up or something. You worked hard today and you need rest.” “So did you.” “Y/N.” “You’re so weird sometimes, Steve,” you huffed as you laced your hand with his.

“What are you doing?”

“Holding your hand like I’ve done a million times before. What’s wrong?” “Nothing.”

You rolled your eyes and mumbled, “alright weirdo.” “I’m not being weird.”

“You’re not being normal.”

He let out a frustrated huff, “did you have fun tonight?”

“So much fun, I’m so happy you came out.”

“I’ve missed you, darlin.” “I’ve missed you too. Steve?”

“Hmm?”

“Sleepover.”

“Y/N-” “See? You are being weird. You’ve slept over my place a ton before, in my bed, and it wasn’t weird. What’s so different about tonight?”

He muttered, “so many things.” “Like what?”

“It’s just been a long night.”

“Fine, whatever. Go home, see if I give a fuck.” “Hey!”

“You’re being weird and you won’t tell me why. You know I hate when you do that shit.”

“I just think I should sleep in my own bed, darlin’. I’m not trying to be weird or make you upset.”

He sounded so strained and you couldn’t read his facial expression, so you couldn’t see how torn up he was. You couldn’t tell how much he was at war with himself.

You couldn’t tell how much he wanted you.

He chuckled when you didn’t say anything, “don’t get quiet on me now.”

“Can you at least stay until I fall asleep? It won’t take long.” “Everything okay, darlin’?”

“Yeah Steve, I just miss you,” you confessed softly. 

“We’ll do a sleepover tomorrow, alright? We’ll have it at my house.” “Fine.” “Don’t be upset.” “I don’t care.” “You’re also a giant brat when you’re drunk.” “You’re saying that you miss me, but won’t spend time with me!”

God, you sounded like a brat to your own ears. That was a huge part as to why you’d never let him see you so inebriated. It’s why you never wanted anyone from The Avengers (or S.H.I.E.L.D for that matter) to see you so drunk. It became harder for you to suppress your feelings for Steve, and he’s all you wanted when you were drunk. For reasons unknown to you (at the time), Steve wanted to go home. That should’ve been enough, but your drunk wanted to hold him all night. 

You were going out of your way to start an argument. 

He let out a heavy sigh as he reached your complex, “I’ll stay-”

“Don’t do me any fucking favors-” “Will stop arguing with me? And stop with swearing, you know I hate it.” “Well maybe I hate you.”

He scoffed hard at that, “no you don’t.”

“You don’t know that-”

“Yes I do, so stop saying it. I’ll stay, okay?”

“And you’ll sleep next to me?”

“Yes darlin’, I will sleep next to you.”

You pressed a soft kiss to his neck and you felt his grip on you get tighter, “thank you, Steve!”

“Anything for you, sweetheart.”

That night, he was good to his word and slept next to you, letting use his chest as a pillow and you were asleep almost instantly. The next day, he was back to normal and you didn’t think anything of his behavior from the previous night. You had no reason to. However, from that day on, things did slowly start to change more. 

It started with Bucky coming around more, especially when Steve was with you. You couldn’t sense it, because has always been entirely too good at hiding his emotions, but he slowly became frustrated. So much that he basically stopped coming around all together. 

“Hey, are you busy?” you asked timidly as you approached his office one day.

“Yeah, unfortunately.” “Oh...okay then-”

“What’s wrong?”

“No, you’re busy and I don’t wanna take up your time...”

You could feel your eyes welling up and didn’t know why. Steve always had a way of making you so damn soft and vulnerable, and you truly hated it.

You still hate it. 

“Darlin’-” “Please stop calling me that. The guy who started calling me that doesn’t seem to exist anymore. If he does, he’s making sure to stay away from me.”

“He still exists-” “Then what’s going on? Why are you staying away from me?”

He sighed as he threw down his pen, “nothing-”

“Alright, if you’re just gonna lie to me-” “I’m not lying!”

“Steve, you saw me walking with Bucky yesterday and literally turned in the other direction and walked away.” “You guys are just hanging out a lot now and I don’t wanna third wheel-” “You wouldn’t third wheeling! We’re just friends!”

“Y/N...” “Steve, why are you just abandoning me? You’re the one I’m closest to and you know that. You’ve always known that,” you sobbed as you closed the door behind you.

“Please don’t cry-” “Then why are you abandoning me?! What did I do wrong?!”

“Nothing-”

“Then what the fuck?! You’ve been acting so strange, but you’re saying I haven’t done anything! If I didn��t do anything, what the fuck is going on with you?!”

He let out another frustrated sigh and just stared at you, clearly at war with himself.

“Fuck this and fuck you, I give up,” you sobbed as you dried your eyes. 

“Darlin’”

“Stop calling me that! I’m just Y/N and you’re just Steve. I can’t do this with you anymore!”

After you stormed out, things only got worse, because you’d never felt so low and alone in your life. Unless it had to do with a mission or training, you barely even looked his way. The farther you got away from Steve, the more Bucky swooped in. In fact, the more you look at how everything happened, you realize that things wouldn’t have gotten so bad if you’d just shut things down with the both of them. 

However, it’s not as if thinking with a broken heart ever lead to a good thing. 

You cried a lot and Bucky was just there for you. He was sweet, he listened, and let you keep your secrets. Sure, he asked what happened between you and Steve (everyone was), but he dropped it when you told him you wouldn’t be talking about it.

You can’t explain what you don’t know. 

“Hey doll, we’re goin’ out tonight. You wanna come? Invite Meg!” Bucky asked one night after you let him in your apartment on the compound.

“Nah, I’ve got a hot date with a black and white French film and a few glasses of wine,” you smiled weakly.

“You can’t stay in here forever.”

“I don’t. Sometimes I go home.” “Babe-”

“I just wanna stay in, Buck,” you sighed as someone else knocked on your door. “I guess I’m just the most popular girl in the world.”

When you opened it the second time, Steve stood there looking just as upset as you felt. Instead of even trying to attempt to hear him out, a rage flared up inside you and you had to force yourself to not shove him. As far as you were concerned, he had a lot of fucking nerve to show up at your place after all the shit that happened in his office. 

“What?”

“I wanted to know if you’re coming out tonight-”

“No.”

“Well, can I come in and we can talk? I know I owe you an explanation-”

“I don’t want an explanation anymore, Steve,” you lied harshly, “I just want you to leave me alone. I stood in your office and cried like a fucking dumbass...that was a month ago. Now you wanna talk? Just leave things as they are.”

You truly wish you hadn’t spoken out of anger because none of it was true. You cried over him whenever you were alone, you missed hanging out with him, you missed falling asleep next to him...you missed Steve. Your Steve.

You’ve always been a hot head. 

“Darlin-” “What have I told you about that?” “Y/N, just give me a few minutes-”

“No, go away. Unless it has to do with work, we don’t have anything to talk about.” “You don’t mean that,” he more pleaded than told you.

“I’ve never meant it more!”

“Y/N-”

Bucky sighed as he came up behind you, “she just needs to cool off, Pal.”

If you hadn’t been so upset and hurt you would’ve laughed at how wide Steve’s eyes got.

“We’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”

“I thought you were coming out. It was your idea in the first damn place,” Steve snapped.

“I don’t wanna leave Y/N while she’s this upset. She shouldn’t be alone right now.”

Steve opened his mouth to say something, but all that happened was he clenched his jaw and looked away before he stormed off, punching the wall on his way out.

You should’ve spoken to him. You should’ve gone after him. Instead you pushed past Bucky and made yourself your first glass of wine of the night.

“Babe-”

“Buck, if you’re gonna stay here tonight, please no lectures. I just wanna be upset, okay?”

He just nodded solemnly, “I get it. No lectures, just drinks and weird French movies,” he smirked and you quietly laughed. 

Here’s the thing: it’s not that you never found Bucky attractive, you just never thought about him. You were always thinking about Steve. However, at that time, thinking about Steve brought you too much pain and you didn’t want to feel anymore pain for a while. You just wanted to feel numb. You’d rather have nothing, the void, than hold onto the pain Steve’s brought on. 

You rested your legs on him when he sat next to you, not thinking anything of it. When he started stroking your leg after the third glass of wine, you still didn’t think anything of it. You only started to pick up on his actions when he squeezed your thigh a little.

“Buck?”

“Yeah doll?” “What are you doing?”

“Trying to help you relax and feel better.”

“Buck-”

“I’ve never seen you this upset, babe. I just wanna help.”

The thought and the offer were tempting. You couldn’t remember the last time you had gotten off to something other than your vibrator. Of course you’d made subtle advances towards Steve, but he’d clearly turned you down. Plus, the women around the compound did talk. While Bucky had a reputation for being a skirt chaser, he also had a reputation for wearing women out in the best way.

It’s not like you were looking for anything. You just wanted to forget for awhile. 

He tested the waters a bit more by sliding his hand further up your leg, waiting to see how you’d respond. 

You placed your wine glass on the ground and opened your legs for him a bit, “you just wanna make me feel better?”

“So fuckin’ good, doll,” he husked, as he reached between your legs and easily ripped your panties off, “just lay back and enjoy, baby.”

His movements were slow, but his kisses were desperate. It felt good, but off. Not to mention you felt more guilty with every kiss he gave you, like you were betraying Steve.

‘Fuck Steve,’ you told yourself mentally, ‘he had his chance and he clearly didn’t want it.’

You closed your eyes in a vain attempt to shut out any thoughts of Steve, but that only made his face come to mind. You let out a sound between a moan and a frustrated grunt as you pulled Bucky’s hair.

“Please!”

“Tell me how bad you want it,” he smirked, his hot breath lapped at your pussy.

“So fucking bad, please! Need it!”

“Love seeing you like this,” he cooed, before he dipped down and dove in and his lewd moans filled the room.

This was the moment Bucky became your “decoy”. You didn’t want him in the same way he wanted you, but part of you felt like he didn’t actually give a shit. Since he’d lost Nat to Bruce, Bucky wasn’t ever really looking for a relationship. He liked to play around, entertain a woman (or two) for a few months, then he’d move on. As far as you were concerned, that night was only supposed to be a one time thing. 

“F-fuck!” you moaned, doing your best to be in the moment as you lulled your head back while he fucked you with his tongue and massaged your clit with his thumb. “Feels so good, Buck!”

You weren’t lying completely. It’s not as if Bucky was bad at eating you out, he just wasn’t the one you wanted doing it. 

You felt him smirk against your folds, and started to grind your pussy against his face, forcing yourself to focus on all the pleasure you felt instead of everything else.

‘Steve doesn’t want you. Steve doesn’t want you. Stop thinking about Steve!’ you told yourself mentally.

When he switched up and started sucking on your clit, he easily pressed two fingers into your soaked folds. You felt the knot in your core tighten and snap.

“FUCK!” you cried out as you came hard and a few tears escaped your eyes.

You hated how the tears weren’t from pleasure, but you masked it well enough as he fucked you through your high.

“Take off that fuckin’ shirt, baby. Let me fuckin’ see you,” he husked as he took off his own shirt and started to undo his jeans. 

You were quick to do as he said, taking all of him as you ignored how uncomfortable you felt being so bare beneath him as his mouth glistened with your juices.

You were doing this to feel better, so why weren’t you feeling any better?

“Waited so fuckin’ long, baby,” he groaned as he dipped down and worshiped each of your breasts while his thumb made little circles on your clit.

“Bucky!”

“I know baby, I’m gonna take care of you, gonna take such good care of you,” he moaned before you felt his tongue on the side of your neck, licking up little beads of sweat. 

You took a deep breath and told yourself you wanted it as you felt him at your entrance. You wanted Bucky. You just needed to let yourself relax.

“Jesus, you’re fuckin’ tight!” he grunted as he pushed into you.

“Oh fuck!”

“I know you can take me, baby! Your wet little pussy is squeezing me so tight, baby!” “Please don’t stop,” you whimpered as you wrapped a leg around his waist, trying to hang on to him as he fucked into you hard and fast.

You wanted this. You agreed to this.

He pushed himself up with his metal arm and looked down at you adoringly, “wanted you for so long, doll. Waited for...ah fuck!”

To avoid feeling anymore guilt, you wrapped an arm around him to pull him close and kissed him passionately, moaning into his mouth when you felt him fill you to the brim. He rode out both your highs before he rested his forehead against yours.

“So good, baby. You tired?” he asked, breath still coming heavy.

You just closed your eyes and shook your head no.

“Good girl.”

Bucky kept at it for a while, not feeling any real pleasure until he brought you off (which you had to fake half the time). There was nothing wrong with him. You found him attractive, and you knew that he wanted you, but it just wasn’t what you wanted. All of it felt so hollow and emotionless on your end. You felt like you were acting and Bucky was working his ass off to please you; to make matters worse, your phone kept going off and you knew who it was.

Steve would’ve hated you if he knew what you were doing and who with, but a part of you felt like he already did. When you both were done, Bucky was a gentleman. He pulled your shirt over your head, carried you to bed, and held you close until you both fell asleep.

You didn’t cry until the next day when you woke up alone in an empty apartment. You ignored calls from both Bucky and Steve, and eventually Bucky was the only one texting you.

Something in you knew that Bucky had confirmed his suspicions, and you just knew he was furious. You and Steve both knew Bucky wasn’t a bad guy, he was just a player and Steve never wanted that for you. 

Eventually you cracked and called Meg, and cried while you told her everything. 

“Well...fuck,” she muttered once you finally got everything out. “Are you sure Steve knows?”

“His calls and texts were incessant until they weren’t. He hasn’t done either in the last 3 hours.”

“Oh yeah no, he definitely fucking knows. Bucky?”

“Bucky went from every 30 minutes to every other hour.”

“Well, what’s wrong with him?” “Nothing...”

“Except?” 

“He’s not Steve.”

“Yeah, but Steve passed up on you, and he was kind of a dick about it. He waited a month until after the office situation? You’ve been showing him your available for how many years? I know you love him, but-”

“I don’t love him.”

“Yeah, cause that’s you’re crying to me about him instead of the skirt chaser that fucked your brains out?”

“Meg.”

“I’m not being insensitive, I’m being honest. Bucky was there last night, clearly wanted you, was with you all night, and all you could think about was Steve. Today, even though Bucky is still texting you, you’re more upset that Steve isn’t because you know he knows. If I were you, I’d be more worried about the guy that’s used to fucking around breaking my heart, than the guy who isn’t,” she sighed.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“Steve had his chance, I need to let him go. I’ve been in my room crying all day...I have to stop.”

“Can you?”

“I don’t have much of a choice do I?”

“Babe, if you could end up with Steve, I’d prefer that, but that’s not really an option. Even if he came back, he gave you the run around for a bit. Just focus on you for now and what you want. You always want to make others happy, and you need to focus on you.”

“You’re right. I know you’re right.”

“Do you need me to come over?”

“No, being alone is good for me right now.”

“Alright, I love you, Y/N. It’s gonna be okay.”

You let out a heavy sigh as you sobbed, “I love you,” and hung up.

You ignored Bucky for the rest of the day, feeling guilty about it, but knowing it was for the best. You’d done enough wrong and you truly did need to focus on you and what you wanted.

However, before you fell asleep, you broke down and checked all your texts from Steve.

O Captain, My Captain: Darlin, please just talk to me. I’m so sorry.

O Captain, My Captain: I’m not going out tonight, please just answer me.

O Captain, My Captain: Don’t do anything with Bucky. He’s my best friend, but he’s not worthy of you. He won’t treat you right and you know that.

O Captain, My Captain: Please just answer me.

O Captain, My Captain: If I could take back my actions, I would. I’m so sorry. If you’d just talk to me, I’d be able to make you understand.

O Captain, My Captain: Please talk to me. I miss you so much.

O Captain, My Captain: I’m going to sleep, but give me a call whenever.

O Captain, My Captain: Seriously? All night and you’re still not talking to me?

O Captain, My Captain: Baby, please just talk to me. We’ve never gone this long without talking, and I fucking hate it.

O Captain, My Captain: Y/N...please.

O Captain, My Captain: Bucky just left. You’ve made yourself loud and clear, and fine. I got it.

O Captain, My Captain: Do whatever the fuck you want.

When you woke up the following day, you had the biggest headache from crying, and the last thing you felt like doing was facing either of them. You had a job to do though, and criminals didn’t stop being criminals just because you had a broken heart. Even though you were slower to dress than usual, you were still on time for training, and God, it was brutal.

Bucky kept looking at you, Steve wouldn’t even look your way, and you couldn’t focus. You’d never had a day so bad, and all you wanted was to crawl back into bed. During the meeting after, you just leaned against the wall, barely listening to anything Nick had to say. The one time you bothered to look up, you looked over at Steve and was glaring at you. 

God, you really fucking hated yourself. 

“Doll, wait up!” Bucky called after you once the meeting was over.

You’d practically run out of the room.

“Bucky, I really just want-”

“What did I do wrong?” he breathed once he caught up to you. “Everything seemed fine on Saturday, I thought we both enjoyed it.”

You didn’t miss the way Steve quietly scoffed as he walked past the both of you.

“Bucky, I just-”

“Did I hurt you? What...I really like you, Y/N. I have for a while and I just...was I too eager?”

You honestly hadn’t expected that.

“Wait...what?”

“I never said anything, because I thought you and Steve had a thing going, but that’s clearly not happening. You were just so upset on Saturday and I wanted to make you happy, and I’ve wanted you for so long...what did I do?”

Trash. You felt like absolute trash.

“I need to get to my room.” “Y/N-”

“Just...I’ll talk to you later, okay? You didn’t do anything wrong, I promise. I just have a lot going on in my head. I just need to be by myself for a while.”

“Please just-”

“I’ll talk to you later, okay? I’m sorry.”

~~

You can read the rest here.

[cookiewrites]

am i ignoring my entire inbox and to do list rn? yes, i am so sorry. i am so out of practice with writing i need to start with something easier.

phone sex/sexting headcanons

wc: 1.8k

cw: gn reader (no genitals or pronouns, but reader bottoming is mentioned a couple times), pet names for reader (baby, jagi, bunny) brief mentions of exhibitionism, rougher sex, hickies, sexual punishment, nudes, hentai, grinding, sub!felix, switch!jisung, dirty talk

chan not only sends you things personally, loving getting you all desperate overhearing the ways he wants to take you apart - but he teases you publically too; posting small hints to your sex life in his bubble. like the way you begged him to pin you against the wall last time you were together. he'd purposely turn down the lights and listen to the song you last fucked to in chan's room, so by the time he gets home you're already needy for you. it's a way to play into his exhibitionism kink without ever risking anything, mixing play and work.

he couldn't hide the smirk as he turned on the coloured lights on chan's room, this dull purple bouncing around the walls as the intro to the song played. hearing those starting melodies immediately made you shiver.

behind your eyelids, you can see his body above you, face damp with sweat, as his hips roll into you over and over. the noises, the way he holds you close, his breath on your neck.

but right now the sight in front of you was more interesting, him leaning back in his chair, almost as if he was pretending he could see you sitting on top of him, bouncing up and down as you cry his name out over and -

but here he was on vlive, and despite the fact he knew you were watching, so were thousands of other people. so as the song ends, and he pretends he can't see your text pop up on his screen asking him to come home early, he smiles at the screen and continues.

minho sends you texts as almost a punishment, it's a game for him, it's teasing, it's riling you up to do nothing but watch you squirm. it's very much out of the blue, and hypersexual - he's not messing around. he wants you turned on, now. and he'll happily do it in front of other people, seeing you sitting with felix and han playing a game, and texting you about how he wants to bend you over the coffee table in front of you.

'i wonder how they'd react if i spread you out on the table in front of them' you see coming at the top of your screen as you try to focus on the game. it stunned you enough to make jisung win, but you could barely focus on the quokka celebrating next to you - instead glaring at your boyfriend across the room.

he smirks, looking down at his phone again, seeming unaffected by the image of his member watching him ruin you.

'needy bunny, can't even focus on beating sungie?' the second text pops up, chastising you for being understandable affected. this was always his favourite thing, making you feel almost embarrassed by how much you want him. and minho loves to be wanted.

changbin 100% sends you nudes, regularly. for him, sexting is old-fashioned - it's about the visuals. but he's arty with it, mixing in these black and white shots between sweaty gym photos. he also knows there's more to these photos than his muscles, sending you photos of his hands holding things, maybe working. his mouth, with things in it, or tongue out. sure, he's about nudes - but he's more so about you looking at him. enjoying the way you react to seeing him.

it wasn't uncommon for changbin to be at the gym late, leaving you to your netflix. so in the middle of your evening curled up on the couch, your phone lighting up was unusual. looking down you're greeted with a photo of your boyfriend.

it's a mirror selfie, in the steamed-up gym mirror, with a section wiped away to give you a clear look at his chest, covered in these blossoming bruises from the night before. all his veins are on show after all his working-out. you could feel yourself instantly drool.

'this better mean you're on the way home to me' you rush to reply, trying not to appear as desperate as you felt.

'i don't think you're asking nicely enough, might stay for another few circuits he quickly types back, laughing to himself.

instead of texting back, you strip yourself of the top you're wearing - taking a photo of your chest almost mirroring his - because as much as changbin loves sending you photos, he enjoys receiving them even more.

hyunjin is the kind of guy to take sexting way closer to smut than some short needy 'you up?'. especially when he's on tour - he'll write almost full stories about what he'd do if he were there, how he'll take you apart or how you'd take him apart in some like top-tier quality. he'd also buy you one of those remote-control vibes so he can send you stories and play with you. sexting with hyunjin is basically just sex, it's great.

hyunjin being away always sucked, but your night got a lot better when your phone popped up with a message telling you about exactly how hyunjin would have you on the sofa right now if he could.

leaning across to dig the toy hyunjin had bought you out of the chest of drawers next to you, you were welcomed by the subtle vibrations already occurring. halfway around the world, hyunjin still finds time to be intimate with you.

texts ping through at a steady pace, describing the way he'd have your legs wrapped around his head, and you can picture it - his descriptions of the way his tongue would move against you, vibrations picking up.

soon enough, you're close, and he feels close - despite being so far away.

jisung is a sharer over text or sometimes video calls. he loves sending you porn he's found, watching it together, or reacting to it when you find time. sometimes its still photos or drawings i'm very pro hentai obsessed jisung and sometimes it's gifs, or videos. as soon as he finds something he thinks is hot, or he'd like to try with you, he sends it over. sexting with han is about sharing other content, not making new stuff.

'god, this is so fucking hot' the text from your boyfriend read; prefacing the unloaded image below. as your internet finally works, you were greeted by a grainy photo stolen from twitter or tumble or somewhere of someone's neck, covered in lipstick and hickies.

there are smudges of other makeup too, hinting at running mascara, a lose reference to someone involved crying oh-so-prettily. that was usually jisung between the two of you, but you've had your times.

and he's right, its so hot, and now you need to recreate it, take him apart with little kisses and bites, make him beautiful like that. and that's exactly what jisung wanted, later at least.

'it'd be hotter if it was you jagi'.

felix calls you when he's grinding on his pillow, desperate for you, begging you to come home. the two of you had decided a while back that he wasn't to touch himself without your permission, which began the influx of desperate calls you'd get at random points of the day; his deep voice groaning down the phone, interrupted by these high whines that almost don't make any sense next to his voice.

'b-baby, come h-home, please i-'

'you sound out of breath, lixie, are you doing something you're not supposed to be?' you tease, lowering you voice so no one on the train can invade in this moment.

'i'm not touching i promise! i'm a g-good boy' felix whines, the self-praise almost falling into a chant.

'then what are you doing, little one?'

'g-grinding' he whispers, rolling his hips over your pillow again, folded between his legs.

'ah, what a smart baby boy, well since you're so clever-' a whine from your boyfriend echoes down the phone.

'you can keep rolling those pretty little hips until i get home but, little one, don't you dare cum' and with that you're pretty sure you could hear him sob, almost see the way his hips stutter. 'i wanna see you cum, lixie, see you grind those needy hips for me.'.

seungmin doesn't enjoy phone sex or sexting very often, he's so much more physical, he doesn't see the appeal of doing it so far away from you. but once in a while he'll surprise you with simple instructions to make you ready for when he gets home; especially when he's had a hard day. he sees sexting as a form of foreplay, not his favourite, but if it gets you ready for him he's in.

'be naked by the time i get home' the text reads, clear across your phone screen. it's not a question, there's no room for negotiation - and you're more than happy to play along. stripping off and waiting for seungmin to come home.

you, of course, take a photo of all your clothes piled up for him, a small way to show him you've done as instructed. that you're ready for him. you shiver as the cold air of the apartment runs over you, nipples getting hard.

'perfect, i hope you continue to be this well-behaved baby' he praises, acknowledging your lack of brattiness today - getting even harder in the back of the car he was in at the idea of you playing along today, someone so willing to be stress relief.

jeongin phones you on tour, when you beg him to. you're missing him, and porn just isn't cutting it, so you beg him for just a few minutes. so he locks himself away in a bathroom just to talk dirty down the phone to you - whatever his baby needs. but he definitely plays it up, teasing you for being so needy you'll just take his voice down a crackly phone line.

'so fucking needy, aren't you baby?' he whispers, voice lowering on purpose as he shuts the door to the hotel bathroom - trying to put some space between him and his members as he helps you get off.

'y-yeah, innie, please' you beg, small vibrations heard in the background - that hum reminding him of what's happening here.

'you picturing me, yeah? thinking about how good i fuck you, how good it feels when i play with you' he growls, trying his hardest to not get turned on himself - this is all about you.

'only y-you' you confirm, whimpering as he reinstates his possession of you, even as he is halfway across the world.

'yeah, i'm the only one who gets your dripping like this, even just at the thought of me'.

[sparksqfly]

⭒❝Speak Now❞ ࿓

there's the silence, there's my last chance, i stand up with shaky hands, all eyes on me

synopsis: modern au - you're about to get married; you should be happy, but on your big day, all you can think about is that redhead you were in love with your whole life, who is now determined to disrupt everything just to win you back.

author's note: this is a short story to celebrate the release of "speak now (taylor's version)," which I am very happy and excited about! this story is literally inspired by the song "speak now," and it's a multiverse full of references to taylor swift and her lyrics bc i have her songs tattoed in my head hehehe, this references won't ruin your reading experience if you're not a fan. english is not my first language, so i apologize for any mistakes i may have made. ty for readig <3

warnings!/about the story: the image is not intended to represent the reader; it's just there for aesthetic purposes. mentions of the reader wearing dresses. the reader is kinda forced to marry an idiot and be in a heterosexual relationship, and that mf is an idiot. joel is referred to as ellie's father, and both ellie and the reader are between 21 and 25 years old.

wc: 3,3k

what the fuck am I doing? you asked yourself looking at yourself in the mirror, you had possibly been doing it for two hours, or three. you came out of your trance when you saw your friend, dina came into the room where you were getting ready. you had asked the girls who had come to help you with your appearance to leave for a while because you wanted to have "your rituals before your big day" which so far had consisted of looking in the mirror, feeling like throwing up and being about to cry.

"hey sweetie," dina said closing the door behind herself. she was holding something white in her hands, you'd had enough of that color. she put it down on one of the couches that was somewhere in the room and dragged a chair over so she could sit in front of you. she gently caressed your cheek and grabbed your hands and looked at you. "you always look beautiful, but today you look stunning." you smiled at her, not wanting to reject her compliments, but you really didn't feel beautiful today, you felt even disgusted with yourself.

dina took your hands in hers and smiled at you, "i have some gifts for you," you sighed. "you don't have to give me anything, dee. there are already too many gifts, too many," you sighed. "ok but listen to me. I already know you got something new, the dress," you looked in the mirror again. when you went to buy the dress you were with dina and your sister, you were already not liking the idea of the wedding and you already felt uncomfortable surrounded by so much white. she had already shown up and you tried to make up for how wrong it felt to do what you were doing with the greatest traditions possible, buying the longest and most "princess-like" dress you could find, a dress that perfectly covered your tattoos, buying pink flowers and golden decorations because that's how it was supposed to be.

"not that tradition again," you joked. you were too sick of tradition. "i know, i know but you know how i am. look, i'll help you" dina without waiting a second longer, knelt in front of you and started trying to lift your dress. obviously, it was difficult for her because of the number of layers it had "fuck..." she cursed, and you couldn't help but laugh listening to her. she gently grabbed your ankle and showed you a small blue ribbon, you smiled at her, and she gently tied it to your ankle, just above your shoe. "something blue," she said with a little girlish smile. she sat back down, sat back down across from you and pulled a necklace out of her pocket, a delicate chain with a small paper airplane charm on it. she put it on and tucked it inside your dress "something borrowed?" you asked raising an eyebrow and dina denied, "something used". you nodded, finally dina pulled something out of her pocket. you froze in place and felt dizzy. "something borrowed" she said and showed you a bracelet. a bracelet you had seen a thousand times, a brown bracelet with three leather straps. two hands pointing to a turkish eye in the middle. her bracelet. the bracelet that ellie always wore on her tattooed arm and that you sometimes played with when she ran a hand across your shoulders, hugging you.

taking advantage of your trance, dina fastened ellie's bracelet on your wrist and smiled at you as you stood up "i know you will make the right decision and i will always be there to support you," she said and bent down to kiss your forehead. as quickly as she came she was gone. you looked in the mirror again, touching the bracelet as you did with ellie and as if you had called out to her she appeared through the door and closed it behind her. you saw her in the mirror and immediately turned around in disbelief. the last thing you expected was to see her, much less the way she was now, dressed in a suit and all dolled up. the last time you had seen her was two weeks ago, you had met for the last time, you had touched each other for the last time, you had memorized each other entirely and finally you had said goodbye with a last kiss. you hadn't had the courage to cross her name out of the wedding list, it pained you to even see her name.

"you don't know what I had to go through to get in here, it looks like your lovely future husband uninvited me" said ellie playing with her hands, "you look beautiful". really? was that really all she had to say? "ellie, what are you doing here?" you got up from your chair to stand in front of her. you watched as ellie admired your dress, as she carefully analyzed your face and after what seemed like an eternity she took courage to grab you by the waist and bring you to her. "don't do it" said ellie gluing her forehead to yours. "meet me behind the church, we can go wherever you want, we'll do whatever you want. but don't say yes" you sighed, ellie williams was begging you to stay with her, to run away with her.

"els, i can't be this kind of person," you didn't know if you were trying to convince yourself or her. "no, you're not the kind of girl who should be marrying an idiot." "els, please. i can't do this, i can't let him down like this. i can't let everyone down like this" ellie sighed heavily and cup your face in her hands "don't do this to yourself, don't do this to me. neither of us deserve it." you were about to burst into tears, your thoughts were starting to run through your head too fast. "ellie" you sighed but she shook her head "you need to hear me out. i'm sorry, i'm really sorry for not telling you when we were little, i was 14 and I knew absolutely nothing, i didn't want to lose the friendship we had because i was afraid i was confused. i'm sorry I didn't tell you in high school when we were both teenagers and I'm sorry I didn't tell you when we started getting closer. i was so scared but i really love you, i have loved you since you walked into my house that day with a book about dinosaurs for my birthday. and i still love you, i was too scared to tell you and I don't want to lose you."

in that moment you saw the weight that ellie seemed to be carrying disappear from her back. ellie, the 14 year old girl you gave a book about dinosaurs to when she turned fourteen because your parents wanted you to meet her since they were friends with her father. the girl you became inseparable with when you both entered high school and when you started to like her. the best memories of your life were with ellie by your side, you could always be yourself with her and you never had the arguments you had with john, your fiancé. ellie had always listened to you and had always made you a priority. "can you say something?" ellie brought you back to reality with her voice. "ellie..." you were about to speak when you heard footsteps approaching the room they were in and you opened your eyes in complete alarm when you heard your mother-in-law speak. "ellie, you have to go" you said grabbing her by the wrists and pulling her to the back door "y/n, what the fuck? " she asked unfocused "please, john's family is coming, they can't see you here" you followed her leading her to the back door and when you opened it you pulled her inside being careful not to make her fall "what-" ellie asked again and before she went on you gave her a quick peck, that made her calm down immediately "keep going up those stairs, you're going straight out to where the ceremony is being held. don't let anyone see you els, please" she seemed to understand immediately and you closed the door. what had you just done?

you turned around just to see your fiancé's family walk in. all dressed in pastel and with smiles which now made you uneasy. they were talking about how beautiful you looked, how happy they were with your union and fantasizing about how many children you would have. yeah, sure. as those hellish minutes passed all you could think about was ellie, she had confessed to you how long she had been in love with you and now you were thinking how obvious it was. you realized that you had spent half your life loving her without telling her and you were about to spend the rest of your life regretting not telling her. when john's family finally left you sighed and sat back in your chair stroking ellie's bracelet and at that moment you saw your fiancé walk in. you didn't feel anything when you saw him, you weren't even angry that he broke the tradition of not seeing you before the ceremony, it was just like him not to pay attention to you. you thought about how you had felt when you saw ellie walk in and how empty you felt now.

"you look beautiful" he said. "thank you" you sighed looking at him "what do you want?" "is that how you talk to your fiancé? you're not mad because i broke this stupid tradition of not seeing you, are you?" you sighed. you hated it when he was like that. "is that your little friend’s bracelet?" that comment made you put your hand on the bracelet defensively and you turned around "maybe, what if it is?" "that trinket doesn't go with the expensive dress my mom bought you" you didn't know if it was a joke but you felt too annoyed. "leave me alone, it's tradition and ellie gave it to me, it's something important for both of us" john just rolled his eyes and grabbed the door to leave "see you in a little while, wifey".

you were left alone in the room; the silence was deafening, and you began to rethink absolutely everything. you liked Ellie since you were little, she was the person you loved the most after your family and you had hurt her with thousands of cuts just because of your eagerness to please people with what you were supposed to do. but on the other hand if you decided to be selfish you would disappoint your fiancé's whole family. those people you really loved as well as they loved you and had paid for that whole wedding. tour family too, they were so happy for your engagement and on top of that they didn't even know you liked women. how could you call off your wedding being only a few minutes away to run away and tell them that yes, you liked women and you had been in love with your best friend for more than seven years.

there you were, with a bouquet of roses and several decorative plants adorning your bridal bouquet. as you looked at it you laughed to yourself thinking that one of the plants sticking out of the bouquet looked just like the plant ellie had tattooed on her forearm. "lover" by taylor swift was playing on the speakers, she was singing about always wanting to go where your person goes, about always being close and that was all you wanted with ellie. "you look beautiful" your father's voice made you turn around. he intertwined his arm with your free arm and you smiled at him, the guilt was eating you alive. "pa'" you called out to him and he turned around "yes honey?" "if anything happens today, i just wanted to say i'm sorry" he frowned but couldn't say anything as the song ended and that meant there were only seconds left before you had to walk down the aisle.

the doors opened and the organ began to play what now sounded like a death march. the doors you were standing in front of opened. the light blinded you for a brief moment and then you saw eyes. what felt like thousands of eyes on you watching for any movement and surely noticing your disgruntled expression. you started walking on the red carpet towards the altar where there was a priest, john and some friends. were you really going to humiliate him like that in front of so many people?

as you continued walking you started to look for some eyes. ellie's green eyes, which you couldn't find anywhere, made you want to cry again. it was possible that she had really gotten tired of the back and forth and you didn't blame her. she deserved to be happy with someone who always put her first. maybe it was for the best.

as you walked down the aisle the only glances that caught your attention were from dina and Jesse, your best friends. who were possibly the only ones who knew and that was what their eyes reflected. concern and sadness. dina even tried to force a smile but jesse couldn't. they knew you even better than you knew yourself.

your father let go of your arm and you handed one of your bridesmaids your bouquet of flowers. then, your father-in-law helped you up the aisle and you stood in front of john. he said something with his lips that you didn't even bother to understand. the wedding music stopped and the priest began to talk and talk about love and various things that you didn't pay attention to. you could only think about her because you didn't even want to look at the audience. you were terrified of what might happen in the next few minutes. had you really dodged a bullet or you just lost the love of your life?

john's expression changed and you quickly got back in tune with the priest's speech. did the vows already need to be said? when you heard what followed you felt like you were about to vomit. "if anyone wants to interrupt this union speak now or forever hold your peace". you looked at the audience completely scared even though you didn't know why. did you want her to show up? you heard the priest take a breath to speak again but another noise came even louder.

you heard footsteps and the wooden benches where the guests were sitting creak under someone's weight and finally behind jesse and dina's bench ellie came out and stood in the middle of the red carpet. her hands were shaking and everyone turned to look at her in complete silence. ellie was only looking at you and you at her. the horrified looks from everyone in the room increased when she uttered the single word "y/n" obviously the expectations of the guests had led them to believe that ellie was there for ojhn and not for you.

john grabbed one of your hands, the one with ellie's bracelet in it, and you looked at him for a second. what reaffirmed what you were about to do was that he didn't look sad, he looked angry. he was losing you and he wasn't even worried. you shook your head at him and he opened his eyes wide when he realized it, although only he did it. you saw your father-in-law signal to security to possibly get ellie out and with that signal you grabbed your dress and went down the small stairs. ellie's relieved face made you gasp but there was no time. you ran out and pushed the door with your body. you felt ellie's footsteps running hurriedly behind you. you turned to look at her for a second and saw her closing the door. you kept running towards the room where you were getting ready and ellie came in behind you closing the door.

"ellie" you called her and she ran to hug you burying her face between your neck and shoulder. you brought a hand to her hair and stroked it. "thank you" she said in an incredibly low tone of voice. you pulled away from her "so now what?" "we're leaving" ellie said looking all around and you nodded, you turned around showing her your back "take it off" you said decisively "what?" "fuck els, take off my dress. it's the only thing I bought it for and i can't go out like this" you quickly felt his hands on your back and how he unbuttoned it. you stepped out of the dress without bothering to grab it and obviating that you had no bra but it was ellie, she had seen you a thousand times. you grabbed the short satin dress you had for the party after the ceremony and put it on without thinking. you went to the door where you had dismissed your ellie a few minutes ago and motioned for her to come downstairs with you. ellie nodded and before you started downstairs she gave you her suit jacket so you wouldn't be so cold. she grabbed your hand and the two of you started down the stairs at a brisk pace.

once you two came out, turned into the street and you saw her car parked nearby. she squeezed your hand and they ran to the car. there were some guests on the street watching the show but ellie didn't even pay attention to them, she put a hand on your back and opened the passenger door of her car for you. you looked at her and got in, without wasting time she closed your door carefully and got into the driver's seat, she started the car and when you realized it, they had already turned the block and started on their way. "are you okay?" ellie asked you, putting a hand on your knee and caressing it. "what did i just do?" you wondered aloud to yourself. ellie looked concerned "you regretted it?" you turned to look at her. Her gaze shifted between your face and the road "no, I've never been more sure of anything in my life, it's just that this wasn't the way I would have liked things to go, neither for us nor for him" ellie nodded and continued stroking your leg "where do you want to go?" she asked and you smiled at her, she knew what that meant.

finally you arrived at ellie's house, where she lived with her father. you smiled as you walked through the door and ellie hugged your waist. many of your happiest memories were in that house, you had lost a lot of time but they were willing to make up for it. "ellie? is that you?" Joel's voice echoed from the kitchen. "yeah” ellie screamed in response. joel came out of the kitchen with a rag in his hands and his eyes widened as he saw you dressed in white and completely ready to get married. "well congratulations, he was an idiot." He said and as he came he left, heading to his room like a ghost.

you looked at Ellie and both burst out laughing. she carried you with her arms and took you to the living room sofa and laid you down on it and she got on top of you. you hugged her as she showered you with kisses "remember you asked me what you had just done? when we went out?" you nodded. "you had just run away from your wedding to your future wife" she joked and you hugged her again joining her lips and she hugged you too. that was the first thing you felt confident about all day. you had made the right choice.

[mazeinthemiroh]

bangchan sfw alphabet

genre: fluff (with elements of crack, angst)

word count: 2.9k

warnings: suggestive??

requested?: no

song rec: superheroes by the script

pls like and reblog if you enjoyed! feel free to request anything <3

a = affection (how affectionate are they? how do they show affection?)

very.

like... very.

have you seen this man? he's so full of love he's almost overflowing with it

we see how he is with the other members, very physically affectionate whether they like it or not!

i feel like with his s/o he would be just as affectionate, if not more so!

so prepared to be tackled by him and completely attacked by cuddles because this man is gonna be all over you

very affectionate with his words too, just showers you with praise and compliments until it's almost embarrassing! but if you do the same to him he gets super shy it's so cute abshddncje

b = best friend (what would they be like as a best friend?)

oh imagine being best friends with chan, what a dream...

you would bring out his inner dork

like his dorkiness will magnify like 99% more than usual

likes to be weird with you. like making the silly noises he does and teasing you gently

both of you are just being goofballs together, such goals.

he's like always smiling when he's with his best friend idk

c = cuddles (do they like to cuddle? how would they cuddle?)

when i tell you that cuddles are a must!l

like i said before, he's super affectionate

with chan, it feels natural with his s/o in his arms. he isn't clingy but he is just full of love and wants to show it in any way he can!

he gets so snuggly, especially in the evenings hbhdbfjf

he likes to cuddle in any way possible so long as you're both comfy

loves holding you but also loves being held

like after a long day at work he wants nothing more than to just sink in your arms, laying his head on your chest while you run your fingers through his soft fluffy hair

and he will chatter on and on about his day and you will just lay there, stroking his hair, listening and smiling and humming every now and then as he talks about how his music is going, what the lyrics to his new song are about, etc...

idk its just a very cute and fluffy time now let me go cry into a pillow-

d = domestic (do they want to settle down? how are they around the house?)

settling down? of course, of course... eventually.

you both have plenty of time ahead of you, being young and all. so there's no need to rush into certain things

settling down will take a lot of time and trust for chan, and his focus on his career is something he needs to consider.

so when you guys are older, settling down is totally happening.

what's he like around the house? well, he's tidy!

everything is in it's place, so if you are like me and not very organised, he's got you covered

i feel like chan would split domestic tasks with his s/o just so it's equal? but depending on how much time he has it might be difficult for him to keep up his end of the bargain, being so busy and all

e = ending (if they had to break up with their s/o, how would they do it?)

gently

that's all i gotta say, but lemme elucidate, for angst purposes...

he would probably sit you down one day, a serious, grave look on his face

it would be hard for him to look you in the eyes because he knows if he did it would make him weaker

with a calm, low voice he would break the news and explain himself

would only meet your gaze when you responded with silence, and as your eyes connect his heart would break...

oooo lemme know if you want a scenario about this

f = fiancé (how would they feel about commitment? how quick would they want to get married?)

commitment is a yes.

but like i said before, all in good time

chan wants to focus on his career. only when he is older will he consider actually getting married

but i am so convinced that chan will only go out with someone he sees him having a long-term relationship with. he's not the type to just date for the sake of it, he wants to be with someone who is willing to stick by him in the long run. loyalty is super important to him

g = gentle (how gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

so, so gentle.

we know what this man is like. he has such a naturally caring disposition, as well as being very emotionally intelligent

he's basically the human form of empathy so anytime you are feeling down or anxious he will notice and he will comfort you the best he can

in terms of being gentle physically, obviously he will make sure you are never in harm's way

the only time i can see him not being as gentle is if yall got into a tickle or pillow fight, he would restrain your arms and tickle you mercilessly istg-

beware of this one. he might look cute but once he's in a playful mood, stay on guard!

h = hugs (do they like hugs? how often do they do it? what are their hugs like?)

chan is hands down the best hugger on the planet

that's not me just saying that, it's scientific fact

we know he loves hugs. he hugs his members all the time and even gives us stays a hug and the end of his lives

hugging chan would make you feel so safe and secure in his arms.

firm yet comforting, with his arms wrapped around your waist as you perch your chin on his shoulder

he's just such a softie hbfhdhnf

also appreciates back hugs too

like come up to him from behind, wrap your arms around his waist, and stroke his tummy whilst squishing the side of your face onto his back

he will turn into a giggly, blushing mess yk.

i = i love you (how fast do they say the L-word?)

trust and love go hand-in-hand for him

saying the beloved L-word would be a big deal for him. it's something he doesn't say that often despite being such a loving person

saying 'i love you' to someone leaves you feeling very vulnerable, like you're putting your heart out on the line. so when chan does say these three magic words, it will mean his feelings are sincere and lasting

and it means he trusts you with his heart. so please cherish it.

j = jealousy (how jealous do they get? what do they do when they're jealous?)

i feel like chan is pretty balanced in this sense?

like I know some people view him as Possessive-Werewolf-Alpha Daddy-Chan lmfao i'm so sorry or they view him as being super-duper carefree and not being jealous at all

but i kind of see a middle ground

i think the only time he will properly get jealous would be if you guys have had an argument and then you test his patience by flirting with someone else

depending on how subtle the flirting is, chan's jaw might clench as he looks on with a blank stare, eyebrows furrowing in amusement as he crosses his arms over his chest

just... don't test him like that, it's not worth it even though its very hawt

k = kisses (what are their kisses like? where do they like to kiss their partner? where do they like to be kissed?)

chan seems like the soft peck type of guy

he will leave little kisses on your lips, cheeks and forehead, partly because he thinks its cute and partly because he wants to tease you

he knows you want his plump, soft lips on placed on yours for much longer, so when you grab his jaw and smoosh your lips with his he grins playfully but softly into the kiss

idk he is very soft for you it's almost sickly sweet-

and yk when a partner rubs their nose with their partner's nose?

you best believe channie-boy is doing that

and sometimes he nuzzles his nose into your neck when he's sleepy and gives you tiny little neck kisses why do I do this to myself.

l = little ones (how are they around children?)

he loves children. he just thinks everything they do is adorable and he will do anything he asks them to do

acts like its his life goal to make the little ones laugh

he will pull random faces and tickle them just to earn a simple smile from them,. it fills his heart up with so much joy!

but if he makes a child cry then he takes it as a personal offence and reevaluates if he's a good person or not-

m = morning (how are mornings spent with them?)

if you watched the most recent chan's room with him being full of cold and his voice is like super low (he needs to rest dammit), well that's kinda what his voice sounds like when he wakes up

low and grumbly

he peaks at you with one eye open and smiles sleepily. lord knows he doesn't wanna get out of that bed but he knows he has to

will probably rope you into a workout or smth

just make sure he has breakfast before he leaves for work!

n = nights (how are nights spent with them?)

chan is more of a night person

meaning he stays up all night working and doesn't get back until the early hours of the morning

if you want to accompany him in the studio, he might protest and be like 'nooo you need your beauty sleep' but he will let it slide because he really enjoys your company

occasionally will put his work down to just talk to you about trivial things

when he gets really tired he will lean back in his chair, swivel round and look at you with a crooked smile.

"hey babe, do you wanna head home?"

once you're both home he will pull a blanket over both of you and cuddle you to his chest

you guys will either stay up all night talking more or drift off to sleep in each other's arms

o = open (when would they start revealing things about themselves?)

it takes time for chan to trust people

i think he mentioned in one of the 2 kids room episodes or smth like that that he doesn't trust people that easily or that quickly?

chan is obviously outgoing and friendly, and can pretty much speak to anyone and make friends easily

but actually trusting them takes time and energy. he will have an invisible guard up to protect himself from disappointment

however, as more time progress and he begins to trust his partner more, he will open up more and will become more vulnerable

p = patience (how easily angered are they?)

he has a lot of patience, usually

growing up pretty much taking care of the other 7 members, with all their many different personalities and opinions to consider, he wouldn't have lasted this long without patience

it would take chan a lot to get genuinely angry. sure, everyone gets irritated about petty things now and then. but if chan feels genuinely angry it would definitely be about something recurring and serious

q = quizzes (how much would they remember about their partner?)

he will remember cute, little, almost trivial stuff about you

but these things aren't trivial to him

no, he cherishes all this information. he knows what your favourite colour was when you were four. he knows you bought yourself an ice cream to cheer yourself up after a bad interview. he knows the ice-skating incident you had in 2016

he loves cute little things you tell him and will store them in his memory only to bring them up in conversation randomly at like 2am

r = remember (what is their favourite moment in your relationship?)

yk it's really hard for him to decide

you have become such an important person in his life that every moment with you is just *chefs kiss* perfect!

but one of his favourite moments he realises, looking back on your time together, is when you have fallen asleep on the couch in his studio

you were persistent in staying with him while he works, ignoring his gentle protests. you were catching up with work of your own, but as the hours progressed your eyelids felt heavier and heavier. you were consciously fighting the urge to sleep until you gave in, drifting off gently

so when chan turned around he was met with your cute, curled-up body, snoring softly. he wasn't surprised you fell asleep, but your sleeping form endeared him. a smile spread across his face as he chuckled softly, grabbing a blanket and tucking you in

why was this his favourite moment? it seems so simple. and it happens so frequently. but to him, these moments are when he realises how much he appreciates you. your comforting presence and need to take care of him makes him feel so loved and safe

s = security (how protective are they? would they like to be protected?)

very protective

i think most of his have seen that clip from the stray kids concert of chan's heartfelt speech, saying how he will protect all his members and all of us stays. protecting the ones he loves is clearly a priority of his

he would like to protect his partner in all aspects, but mainly from emotional harm

and he would like you to do the same for him. both of you protect each other from emotional harm because you guys support each other, giving each other a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear

t = try (how much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

channie is romantic af

when he has the time, he loves putting in the effort and setting up cute little dates with you, like making your favourite meal for you

he considers you hanging out in his studio as a date, and soon studio dates become a regular thing for you both!

u = ugly (what would be some bad habits of theirs?)

we all know channie is a perfectionist

which isn't a bad thing

it just means that when things aren't up to scratch in his standards, he will beat himself up about it

he will get down about himself if he hasn't taken you on any special dates in a while, or he forgets a special anniversary etc...

so try to reassure him that he is enough, and that he's doing perfectly just how he is!

because sometimes your reassuring words can bring a lot of comfort to him <3

v = vanity (how concerned are they with their looks?)

being an idol, chan is pretty much forced to care about the way he looks

we have seen on his past lives that he has shown distaste for the way he looks

he is human. he is like all of us

he has good days and bad days. one day he might feel hella confident in the way he looks as he freaking should but other days he will hide his face as much as he possibly can

which is ridiculous because he is the most handsomest man on the planet

w = whole (would they feel incomplete without you?)

so chan has a very mature approach to relationships

he believes that two people should be complete as individuals, maturing and accepting who they are and relying on themselves before they get into a relationship

that way, you have two healthy individuals trying their best instead of one relying on the other or not reciprocating the same effort or amount of love

did that make any sense lmfao

the point I'm trying to make is doesn't see it as being 'incomplete' without you. but rather, he feels like he is a much, much better version of himself when he is with you

x - xtra (a random headcanon for them.)

chan loves you in his hoodies

that's it, that's all i gotta say

he just gets so endeared by the fact that you want to wear them

the first time you stole one of his favourite black hoodies, he chuckled

"do you want me to buy you one like that? it looks so cute on you!"

he will poke your cheeks and cuddle you while you explain that you like his hoodies because they smell like him :(

then he'll understand, and will basically give you free rein to take his hoodies so long as you don't spill anything on them

y = yuck (what are some things they wouldn't like, either in general or in a partner?)

in general, chan doesn't like people who are completely selfish and only look out for their self-interests

or if they have no sense of compassion or empathy

he's fine with tough love, don't get me wrong, but someone who is devoid of empathy or makes no effort to understand someone else's point of view is someone chan tends to avoid

z = zzz (what is a sleep habit of theirs?)

his sleeping habit is... he has no sleeping habits

my man doesn't sleep

okay, okay so when he does actually sleep he snores, we know this

likes to cuddle something when he sleeps so having you in his arms would be of great comfort!

also he said on bubble he tends to sleep naked nowadays so i will leave that one with you-

[kanekoii]

New anon follower here, nice to meet you I am capybara anon and I would like to ask for kyo , vanta and wilson for an s/o that easily cries due to having a soft heart ( for example purposes the s/o is like the type of person that will cry because they we're worried that they have done something wrong when the person ignored them only to find out they were wearing earphones and wasn't able to hear them call their name.)

lyra’s notes -> OH WE ARE SO BACK (i’m literally sick rn and it’s almost 12am as i write this)

pairings -> kyo kaneko, vantacrow baby bringer, yu q. wilson x gn! reader

genre -> slight angst to fluff AND CONFESSION FIC RAAAAH

song -> sweet venom - enhypen (just what i’m listening to when i write this)

warnings -> reader just like me fr

KYO KANEKO ->

he knows you cry really easily, so he tries his best to make sure your feelings aren’t hurt when you’re around him. kyo understands he has a really rough around the edges personality type and he might be prone to hurting your feelings when he doesn’t mean to. and if he accidentally makes you cry, he will feel SO incredibly bad he might cry himself just because he feels so guilty he hurt your feelings. he’ll sit on the floor facing you and cup your cheeks as his green and yellow eyes make direct contact with yours.

not only is he apologizing profusely, but somewhere in his jumbled and frantic apology in an attempt to stop the tears flowing from your eyes, the words “i love you” somehow slip out.

VANTACROW (BABY) BRINGER ->

he’s not nearly as abrasive of a personality type as kyo, so times when he unintentionally hurts your feelings are quite rare. but either way, vanta absolutely adores your gentle heart. he is so protective of you just because he doesn’t want your feelings to get hurt, so he ends up accidentally confessing to you when he’s being protective again.

of course, he didn’t exactly mean to confess his love for you while trying to protect your gentle heart and fragile emotions, but he still means it with all his heart.

YU Q. WILSON ->

he’s got quite the gentle heart too, so he understands so wholeheartedly when someone unintentionally hurts your feelings without understanding how fragile they truly are.

when he comforts you, he reaffirms his love for you tenfold. his blue eyes are bright and you can nearly see hearts in them as he smiles gently and comforts you. he didn’t need to confess then because you already knew, he was so open about it.

[mulletmitsuya]

Toman groupchat (everyone's alive so everyone is here, it's also extremely long)

Warnings: swearing, suggestive! chaos, kinda offensive (no offensive terms used)

Desc: this is how they joined toman btw wakui texted me and said this

Takemitchy: ok everyone's here now

Mikey: yeah we added everyone

Mikey: me and Mitchy made a groupchat that'll have all of us here so that we can all be friends. you cannot leave🙂

Izana: i want to call you a homophobic slur

Ran: unprovoked?

Baji: with Takemitchy and Mikey, it's always provoked

Rindou: aren't there actual gay people that you'll offend tho. i won't let the gays be offended by this

Rindou: Takashi don't worry i'll protect you bro

Mitsuya: great

Hakkai: leave him alone Ran😐

Ran: i didn't even do anything Hakkai leave me alone 😭

Takemitchy: only peace and love here guys

Smiley: bull fucking shit

Smiley: i will cause problems intentionally you fucknut

Angry: Smiley😡

Mochi: this isn't gonna work but okay

Smiley: shave off your eyebrows and start again

Mochi: they'll just grow back the same, motherfucker😐

Smiley: you didn't do that to look cool??

Mochi: no

Smiley: what side did you get them from?

Mochi: my moms?

Mochi: why does this matter

Smiley: she must be ugly as shit, damn

Senju: naur 💀

Mochi: i'm going to be violent with you

Smiley: come at me bro

Smiley: nvm you're 6'5 and built like a gorilla

Smiley: i'll accept my loss here

Mikey: i get so happy when i see you all like this

Baji: man stfu you always saying some weird shit

Baji: you and Takemitchy are weird and i'm on to you

Baji: always talking about how "the fruit of our labour has finally flourished"

Baji: weird

Mikey: i never said that wtf😭

Kakucho: Takemitchy did, he says it a lot

Takemitchy: uh do i? it's a lyric from a song that's stuck in my head lmao

Kakucho: you always say it while crying and looking at all of us you weirdo

Izana: this is why people used to be hanged for being gay

Mikey: can u leave him alone

Izana: i don't have to listen to you, i'm older

Mikey: ok, no pupils head ass

Izana: ok, no bitches head ass

Emma: stop fighting, I'll tell Shini-nii☹️

Izana: you're such a pick me Emma oh my god

Emma: i'm not, i only needed one man to pick me😚

Draken: 🙂

Emma: 😕

Draken: ...

Emma: 😒

Draken: 😑

Draken: fine

Draken: i love you Emma, my beautiful girlfriend and future wife❤

Emma: i love you too Kennyy omg😭❤❤❤

Senju: you just forced him to say that why r u so happy 💀

Yuzuha: why am i here

Takemitchy: we need a few responsible people who r scary

Yuzuha: but...nvm

Draken: why do you have fangirls following you

Yuzuha: idk i'm just pretty great

Draken: fair

Chifuyu: i wish i had fangirls

Kazutora: you're ugly

Chifuyu: 😐

Baji: if y'all start again i'll ram a cactus down your throats

Chifuyu: I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING

Baji: Kazutora's troubled, stop provoking him. you make eye contact for too long

Baji: you know that agitates him

Kazutora: 😋

Mikey: why r u talking about him like he's a creature or smth

Baji: to some extent he is

Kazutora: hey

Chifuyu: but Baji-san he's doing this on purpose this is so unfair 😭

Draken: Kazutora stop using the mentally ill card

Kazutora: fine, jeez😒

Senju: it's great to have friends tbh

Sanzu: don't say that, it's embarassing

Shion: i still don't believe Sanzu's a dude

Shion: he's too pretty and petite like a girl idc

Shion: like you'll have to take your dick out and show it to me for me to believe me you

Rindou: yo?

Baji: 🤨

Mikey: dude...

Hakkai: can you ever behave

Chifuyu: c'mon man

Smiley: fucking Shion man

Izana: why did you speak

Shion: aren't we all equal here

Izana: who told you that

Shion: your brother, sir

Mucho: Shion stop talking

Shion: y'all switch up rq huh😒

Rindou: everyone shut up and pay attention to me

Mitsuya: i mean this genuinly, i hate it here

Rindou: you're a hater

Mitsuya: that's what i just-

Mitsuya: 😊

Rindou: ok now that Mitsuya's done whining i need help with my stage name

Angry: for what bestie

Rindou: DJing

Hakkai: i thought i was bestie but okay 😒

Angry: you're both bestie

Rindou: i thought I was bae tho lol

Angry: um 🙁

Rindou: i was joking you're ugly

Rindou: this is why your brother has bitches and you don't

Angry: why'd u get so triggered

Angry: and we have the same face😐

Rindou: it's different

Ran: shhhhh this is getting nowhere

Rindou: but my stage name

Smiley: stfu Ran you're a homosexual

Izana: i knew it 😟

Chifuyu: it's always violence with y'all damn

Mikey: OHHH THAT'S WHY U STAND LIKE THAT LMAO

Kakucho: i thought Ran was popular with the ladies

Angry: so which is it Ran? homo or hetero

Kazutora: 💀

Ran: whatever i feel that day

Ran: a hole is a hole after all

Mucho: can you not

Sanzu: 🤢

Rindou: he's lying to you he has no bitches

Rindou: all he does is sleep and do his hair

Ran: i never claimed to have bitches all i did was say i don't have a preference when it comes to gender or sex

Ran: why do people attack me for no reason i'm just sitting here being pretty

Mikey: two flamboyant bisexuals

Mikey: silly Koko and silly Ran

Koko: pls don't say that

Mikey: that you're silly?

Koko: uh, yes

Mikey: ok silly goose

Koko: 😐

Baji: i hate you all and wish i wish i was dead

Baji: i would rather stab myself to death than be here

Mikey: don't fucking say that Keisuke😐

Mikey: i don't find you funny

Mikey: why would you say that

Baji: damn chill what's wrong with you

Takemitchy: we shouldn't joke about death😐

Takemitchy: and let's remember that suicide isn't the only option

Takemitchy: there's always help❤👊

Baji: DO U GUYS SEE WHAT I MEAN

Baji: THEY'RE WEIRD

Inupi: suspicious

Senju: shut up pretty boy

Senju: you're absolutely gorgeous

Senju: that didn't come out the way i wanted it to

Inupi: ?

Sanzu: how did you want it to come out???

Kazutora: i mean he's not wrong he's so beautiful

Kazutora: not in a gay way tho like it just is what it is

Inupi: ...thank you, i guess

Kazutora: i wanna fuck him

Kazutora: idk what happened there, my bad

Chifuyu: chill out

Kazutora: you have a tiny dick

Chifuyu: 😐

Baji: Kazutora c'mon man

Baji: i'm starting to think you're the problem

Kazutora: i'm just flirting

Kazutora: in a homie typa way if ykwim

Baji: i do not

Hanma: good morning my cockroaches

Smiley: fuck you

Hanma: it's a bdsm today💘

Hanma: we should go out and have a beach day and catch jellyfish so that they can sting us and we can pee on each other to stop the pain

Hanma: who ever gets peed on first loses haha

Mitsuya: who even let you in here

Smiley: you gotta go to jail for that

Smiley: he can't keep getting away with this

Draken: wait what did he mean when he said it's a bdsm day am i the only one who's concerned

Kisaki: he thinks it means beautiful day sunny morning

Draken: oh...ok

Mikey: ain't no way

Kazutora: i'll send you a link Hanma dw bro I got you

Kisaki: don't we're in public

Hanma: ohoho this is inhumane why are they doing that🤠

Kisaki: curse you, Kazutora

Kazutora: don't kink shame

Baji: please stop watching graphic porn

Kazutora: no one wants to have sex with me what else should i do

Chifuyu: it's cause of the way you act

Kazutora: let's go outside real quick

Chifuyu: i'm sick of you let's go

Emma: they are going to kiss

Senju: it's giving enemies to loves slow burn

Baji: it's all coming together

Smiley: stop normalizing gay people🙏

Mikey: homophobes get fired from Toman

Smiley: fine

Smiley: slay or whatever the fuck ❤🧡💛💚💜👁👅👁🏳️‍🌈

Yuzuha: feels like a hatecrime tbh

Yuzuha: anyway me and Hakkai r getting on the plane so our phones r gonna be off

Hakkai: see you soon Taka-chan 😊

Mitsuya: yeah stay safe🧡

Angry: what about the rest of us 🙁

Draken: kys Shiba's

Hakkai: huh???

Yuzuha: what'd we do even

Mitsuya: Draken? why'd u say that

Draken: what did I say??

Mikey: kys=kill yourself

Draken: no???

Draken: kys=keep yourself safe

Mikey: who told him that

Smiley: 😁

[elvispresleywife]

Valentines Blues.

Ok, so today is Valentines day and that means....today I miss Elvis really badly(as usual). Now I miss him everyday all the time. For some people it's creepy, and weird. People ask "How can you miss a man you've never met?" or people say "You don't really love him, you can't you don't know him. It's just a crush" Explain to me the butterflies I get just by looking at his hands, or the absolute joy I feel knowing I get to come home, seeing him or reading about him, the way I absolutely gush and blush over every little movement of his, every twitch or blink. Every facial expression holds a special place in my heart. There's not one phase I love of his more than the others. The happiness and immense light he brings to my life, is unexplainable. I know it's love. It's so strong, and fierce....I can't explain it at all. I wish I could, maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad on the days I did miss him if I knew why I loved him so much? But fact is, I can't explain it. I love him. That's a fact. Think and say what you will, but I can't control it.

Today....is one of the days I miss him more than most. I've cried so much, just looking at a photo of him makes me cry. Any of his songs make me cry, I don't know why. I hate that I do. I should be happy he's in Heaven experiencing the peace he so desperately needed, but....I can't help but want to be selfish and question why he's up there instead of down here with me(us). I don't like that, and I feel guilty, he did so much and deserved so much, peace is the least he should get, for all he did. And yet....I want him here. With me. It's just so hard to miss and love someone you'll never meet until later on. And fact is, I know it's stupid and crazy but I feel like I know him, even though no one will ever know him really apart from the people who did and were closest to him, but I feel I do. His likes and dislikes I feel I could name off the bat, there's just some things I see or read about and go "Yeah Elvis would agree with that" or "Oh he'd hate that" or I'd watch a movie and I'd picture him laughing at something in it, and go "Oh he'd love this movie, it's exactly his humor!" and in fact sometimes I swear I can hear his laugh when I do, now I promise I'm not crazy! For example National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is one movie I know for a fact he'd love. He'd be laughing and reciting so many lines from it all Christmas Holidays I just know it.

He was such a beautiful light. So intricately made, there's not a thing he did that didn't have some purpose. God absolutely knew what he was doing when he was making Elvis(Not that he doesn't know what he's doing already) but you know what I mean. I just....my heart constantly aches for him. It yearns for him. No matter what I do, he comes back to me somehow. I can't escape him no matter how hard I try. And as much as I love him being around, I don't understand why I I love him so much and so abundantly yet my heart hurts so badly. Everyone who met him says the photos did him no justice compared to the real thing....and if I'm in love with what I see on Instagram, or personal recounts, books, magazines, photos, interviews, videos, imagine how much I'd(we'd) love him in person? I just don't get it! Why do I love a man so much that is out of my reach? How am I supposed to live a normal life with this looming over me all the time?

I'm grateful for him of course! I could never not be with him now, but....it get's hard sometimes, when your heart exhausts itself over something you will never reach.

Anyway, sorry for rambling. I don't know if this made any sense at all (probably not) but hopefully this rant helped someone else out there! I feel like I annoy people sometimes so I'm sorry in advanced!

Thankyou for listening!

TCB.

[bunniekittiee]

Liu Kang’s Guidance

A/N: This is a bit more of a serious one. It’s not an x reader. This is a vent piece. And something that maybe others are dealing with too. Sorry for the heaviness, I’m writing about what I’m feeling currently

Content Warning: Depression, suicidal thoughts(?), questioning life, purpose

The waterfall splashing did not ease the anxieties nor the sadness. But it filled your mind. Enough to stop the buzzing around in it. Yet it did not bring peace like it should.

Footsteps approached, but you knew whose they were. They were very familiar. Soft, yet purposeful footsteps.

“Hey,” Liu said, taking a seat next to you. “I have been looking for you.”

“Have you?” You asked him, eyes not leaving the waterfall. Birds chirped around you both, filling the air with their songs. The trees loomed over you both. “I am sorry for wasting your time.”

“My time will never be wasted with you.” He replied with a small smile. But he knew your mind was not in this world. “What is going through your mind?”

There was a lot. A lot that needed to come out, yet you did not want him to carry your burdens. You did not like to burden others, otherwise you would have talked to Raiden or Kenshi about what was going on. “Don’t worry too much, it’s okay.”

Liu frowned. “You can tell me anything. I am here to listen to you. Especially if it will ease your mind.”

“You have a lot on your plate. You don’t need my stresses too.” You told him as you started to pull your legs close to your body. It was a way of keeping you safe. Keeping it all inside.

“If it will help you from losing yourself to the darkness of your mind, then I will share your burdens. Now, tell me. I am listening.” He said, patiently waiting for your answer.

You sighed. “Lately I have felt out of touch with myself. For the past year, I have felt like a walking zombie. I can function, but I can’t function how I would like to. Everything feels like I’m watching myself from an outsider’s point of view. Like in third person.” You explained to him. Liu Kang understood what you were saying. He too had felt like that before. “I can hardly recall memories because in those memories, it was like I was outside of my body.”

“My anxiety has worsened. It seemingly comes on out of nowhere in more recent times. And I never used to get anxiety.” You said quietly. “I’m always so tired. I get so tired during the day, to the point I can hardly keep my eyes open, but at night I can’t sleep. And when I do sleep, I can’t sleep completely without waking up a few times during the night.”

“Have you been drinking caffeine?” Liu asked.

You shook your head. “No, I cut caffeine out of my diet for the most part. Sometimes I’ll have some, but it is usually earlier in the day where it won’t affect my sleep.”

You reviewed what you had already told him in your head. He could see the gears were turning in your head. He waited for you to continue.

“I always seem happy to everyone else, but really, I am unhappy. I feel like…” You felt the lump in your throat form. “I feel like I don’t know my purpose. Or maybe, I don’t have a purpose. I haven’t fulfilled much in my life. I feel like I’ll never be able to do it. I’ll always be stuck where I’m at.”

The tears started to brim. You didn’t want to cry, but it was difficult. “I always feel like crying. I feel like crying about everything. But I always stop myself from doing so. But sometimes I get so overwhelmed. I feel like I carry so much stress, but I can’t let it go. Or I can’t get rid of it.” A few tears started to fall. He watched with a tinge of sadness. “I feel so sad. I always feel sad. Sometimes I do have good days. And those good days are really good. But a lot of the time, I am sad. Or I am in a funk. Sometimes, I lay in bed for hours because I am unable to find the energy to get up.”

Liu put his hand on your shoulder, making the tears worsen. Your bottom lip began to tremble, but you continued on. “I keep everything to myself and I just have no place to put it at. Or let it go. I feel on edge a lot of the time. My thoughts give me anxiety. They will keep me up at night or they will make me physically ill. I get random body aches that I can never explain. And they hurt a lot.” You tried wiping away your tears, but only more appeared.

“I am lonely. I am lonely in my heart and in my head. To me, all I have is myself. I don’t like to burden others because I feel like they have been through worse. Or my pain can’t compare to theirs because theirs is bad.” You swallowed the thickening of the saliva in your throat. It was like the dam had broken. Everything was flooding out. You sniffled.

“I’m not suicidal. It has crossed my mind in the past. But not as of recently. But sometimes, I think about what if I didn’t wake up tomorrow. What if it all ended tomorrow? I wouldn’t have to battle what is going on in my head anymore. I would find the peace that I have always craved. Yet I don’t beg for death.” You continued to wipe away the tears with your hand. Liu got a tissue out of a pocket and gently wiped at your face with it. It was a comforting gesture.

“I guess I’m in limbo. I’m alive, but I haven’t been living, you know?” You looked at him with red eyes and a small, sad smile. “I don’t know what I’m waiting for. I want to be better. I want to feel like a person again. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”

Liu had a solemn expression on his face. He did not know how much you, his friend, was hurting. You had masked it very well.

“I’ve felt like this for so long where I feel like I should be used to it. But it’s just gotten worse. I haven’t gotten the help I need to deal with it. I’ve just been trying to deal with it in my own ways but they have all been bad. I’m always so angry or annoyed. But now, since I’ve let that stop controlling me, all I can do with my depression is just nothing. It’s sitting here eating me alive. I don’t know where and when this started. I can hardly remember.” Your eyes were beginning to puff up and the headache was forming.

“I feel like I shouldn’t be depressed. I have a good home, my family is great, things are good. Yet here I am.” You laughed, but nothing was funny. It was out of sadness. You turned your tear-stained face away from Liu Kang. “I just wish I could feel better.”

“Perhaps a hug may ease something?” Liu offered. You nodded your head, wrapping your arms around him as he did to you. Hugging a person made everything come out. The tears started to come rapidly, your body shook with sobs. Liu hugged you tighter, feeling your emotions flood out of your body. If this would help you, he would do it for all of eternity.

And he was right. A hug did ease something. It made you feel a little less alone.

“As the Protector of Earthrealm and being a creator of a timeline, I understand your loneliness and the feeling of lacking in purpose. I assure you, you are very purposeful. Everyone plays their part in their life. Just like in this timeline, everyone plays their part that they need to. They fill their purpose.” He explained as you pulled away from him, wiping away your tears and snot. “And you, you have your purpose. It is your duty to understand and know what it is. And it may not come right away, but I promise you it will.”

You nodded your head. “I guess so. I just need to push myself more and try to fix what I can. I just might need an extra push, you know?”

“And that is what we are here for. We are all here for you. No matter the circumstances. No matter what your mind says.” Liu replied as you both faced the waterfall. He placed his hand on your shoulder again. “We will always be here. You are never alone. You will never have to feel alone.”

[i-got-the-feels]

25-21

@chaeyoojung 1

The transition from yellow to blue to show how his one quality he adored also became something that hurt him

My Demon

@dingyuxi 1

My salvation!!!! And his determination and selflessness to save her

Vigilante

@chaeyoojung 1

I already told you and will tell you again and again that I adore this set. His entire character arc. How he chooses to be vigilante is seen sooo well here.

Castaway Diva

@khaoray 1

This is beautiful!!! Their dreams are fulfilled. This is such a happy edit AAAH my heart

See You In My 19th Life

@dingyuxi 1

Something about her selflessness to die for him. Something about how he fiercely remembers and protects her memory. I love how that is shown so well in this set.

@liveasbutterflies 1

I cried in the scene. I cried after seeing this set. She was loved so loved by her mom.

Daily Dose Of Sunshine

@moonlightsdream 1

I adore how your chose their beach and bustop for this dialogue set.

Extraordinary Attorney Woo

@kdramaladies 1

Everytime I hear this dialogue and see this set I cry. The color combination of b/w and golden is so beautiful.

@sjoongki 1

This is one of those edits that will forever affect me. Their shilloutes! Amazing job love ittt.

Alchemy of Souls

@kdramaladies 1

This was the set that made me watch the show. It's beauty, yes. Also it manged to make me feel curious about her.

@kalena-henden 1

The journey! The symbolism! Beautiful set.

@seawherethesunsets 1

The gif of him gently kissing her eyes! Beautiful!!

@liveasbutterflies 1

I love how this set has shown naksus journey.

Little Women

@deokmis 1

A show edit. A show based on a book. And the said books quotes are combined with tv show adaption characters. My nerdy heart is swinging. And beautiful quotes are choose with characters.

Flower of Evil

@deokmis 1

Will I reach a drama where this quote doesn't wreck me? No. The gif with "makes my demons go away" Insaneeeeeee

The Eighth Sense

@dramaism 1

The journey!!! I am a Sucker for these edits. And seeing them get together at the beach casually without any grand declarations was soooo them. And of course the consequences later. That's when the grand declarations come in. Something about how things are simple when it's just the without the involvement of the world.

The Glory

@deokmis 1 2 3

1) Take me to church + them?? The way he knew she intended to use him and he let her!!! Perfect choice for them and perfect selection of scenes!

2) The fact that Jae joon died not knowing who his killer is because he is color blind. But we know!! We know how he killed him so that ye seol will be safe. Uff. Isolating the red to bring out the detail? Amazing

3) Death is my hand + the tattoo gif!! No thoughts. Head empty.

@smittenskitten 1

Isolating the green color!! The talent. They way it celebrates an important arc of the show

Beyond Evil

@khaotunqs 1

The yellow with blank and white!! Beautiful. I didn't like to be touched because I craved it too much!!

@magicaldreamfox1 1

The scene he arrests him, always makes me cry. And the words being "how often will you repent" uffff

@l-tyrell 1

He did everything because of his love, his guilt, his regret. It's gorgeous set. Also gotta listen every hozier song now because I believe it goes perfectly with the tone of this show

@ladyverdance 1

Lee dongsik was a ghost after all the deaths he survived. He was only kept alive by his grief, guilt and love for people he lost. His purpose to avenge them. Beautiful set

Summer Strike

@chinzillas 1

The words+ scene you have chosen so well about how she felt trapped in the daily drudgery of life. And how he chooses to break free. Beautiful!!

The Devil Judge

@gusucloud 1

The motif of fallen angel. Something something devil was an angel before he fell. Love the coloring with golden hues

@natahjikio 1

Was she evil? Yes. Was she a surviour and a badass? Yes. Adore how you did justice to all sides of her in this set

@yilinglaozu 1 2 3

1) he knows gaon is righteous and idealistic. Having him in his life will only hurt them both. He knows Yohan is too hurt and disillusioned to believe in a fair world. He knows they will only hurt each other. Yet they simultaneously hurt and heal each other

2) shut up. Yohan was all alone until he had gaon. Good lord no words.

3) gaon getting to see the real Yohan. Beneath the confident indifferent Yohan. Him willing to change himself and his world views because what is world without Yohan? Beautifully bought out in this set

@spicyvampire 1

The he loves you too words with them saying goodbye!! Tan give me a break

Things to note

These include edits that I found in 2023.

These include edits that gave me the feels.

Thank you for your art. They make the experience of watching the show all the more fun. It helps in appreciating the characters. It helps me see them in new light.

Looking forward to see more of art from amazing artists on here.

To, people I didn't tag - tumblr tagging limit sucks. Your art is beautiful simply because it's made. You made it with a feeling and that in itself is beautiful.

Also, the tag is #becauseigtf in case yall wanna tag me in future :)