#i am scared of a healthy relationship but i am going to push through and try my best to

[melto]

something just like snapped in the back of my head like i Need to go like curl up in my room for like 5 days and play video games and not speak to like anyone

[softpascalito]

Peluda - Javier Peña x Reader

Summary: A snowstorm hits Bogotá and you bring back a surprise visitor. Javi is not amused. But, it leads to a realization about himself- and about you.

Relationships: Javier Peña x F!Reader WC: 1700 Tags/Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Emotional, Nicknames, Soft Javier Peña (Narcos), Sweet Javier Peña (Narcos), Healthy Relationships, Fights (blink and youll miss it), Snow, Blizzards & Snowstorms, This kitten is DEA Read on AO3 full advent calendar (updated daily)

notes: okay listen i am AWARE that bogotá does not get snow like this but this is my fanfiction and what i say is law so there is snow now.

❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️

Thick snowflakes swirl around you, the ice crunching under your feet as your gaze flies over the windows of the building down the street. As you get closer, you can see it clearly, light spilling out from the right window on the ground floor. He's home.

You slip twice before you reach the house, hurrying past the parked cars and up the small flight of stairs that is also glazed over with ice, keeping your head down and your coat wrapped tightly around your body. When you reach the front door, you fumble with your keys for a moment, your hands shaking from both the cold and the adrenaline.

A curse escapes your lips as the bundle of keys falls down and you lean forward to grab it before settling for the doorbell instead of giving it another try. It's mere seconds until the door buzzes open and you push yourself into the dimly lit hallway of the apartment building. The wind howls around you, even after the large door has fallen shut, seemingly finding a way through the cracks around it.

“Hermosa?”

His door is slightly ajar, brown hair and a pink shirt poking out at the side of it. You practically storm towards him and you can tell by the way he flexes his arm that he's holding his gun, carefully checking who is showing up on his doorstep this late at night.

“It's me, calm down,” you brush him off as you reach the door and all but push yourself inside. Javier steps back, staring at you for a moment. His voice is a little lower than usual, which in your experience means one of two things. He's horny or he's mad. Occasionally a bit of both.

“Are you crazy, going out in this weather? I was worried sick.”

Mad it is.

You barely look at him as you shake your head, “I just wanted to get some more bread, we were out again and I didn’t know if the stores might close-” His gaze is on your face for a moment, resting on your slightly reddened cheeks, the slowly melting snowflakes that decorate both your hair and your coat. 

But that is what he stumbles over- the coat. Your arms are wrapped around yourself and the thick fabric is drawn over a lump that definitely does not belong to your body.

“What did you get?” Javier tucks the front of the coat down just as you turn away, sending a glare into his direction, “Don't scare it.”

“It?” Javi asks and you can practically see his brain going haywire as he tries to figure out what you’re talking about. The agent is so goddamn smart when it comes to tracking down informants and exposing cartel members but the most normal conclusions sometimes seem like a mystery to him.

His furrowed brows relax slightly when you peel the coat off yourself carefully and he is left staring at a trembling ball of fur in your arms. Very dirty, brown fur.

“Oh hermosa-” He starts but you shake your head before he even has the chance to complain. Bogotá has more than a few stray cats and dogs but so far, he has managed to keep you from taking any of them home.

“She was all alone, Javi, in the snow. She would’ve frozen to death,” you mumble. As if to confirm your story, the kitten gives a small, strangled noise and you hum quietly. Javier follows you into the bathroom, watching with crossed arms as you place the animal in the bathtub and begin to run the water, adjusting the temperature with one hand. The cat trashes around slightly, clearly uncomfortable with the cold porcelain below her and the attention of not one but two humans. Her claws strike your hand, making you curse as a thin trail of blood runs down your fingers.

“What are you doing?” Javier asks in a low voice, clearly exasperated. But you're not exactly calm either, your own hands still cold from the snow and now stinging slightly from where the cat has struck you. 

“I’m taking a bath,” you say with a roll of your eyes, voice dripping with irony. “I’m cleaning the fucking cat, Javi, what does it look like?!”

You don't need to see his face to know you're not the only one in the bathroom who looks like they've been struck. There's a small shuffle next to you as Javi closes the door behind himself and then kneels down beside you with a low groan, “Okay, how do we do this?”

A weak smile spreads over your face as you bring both hands back to the cat that has by now joined in on the conversation, audibly meowing up at both of you as you gently stroke its back, “I'll hold her, you run the water and get some soap.”

He does as told, filling the tub up just a bit so that the small animal can still stand. To your surprise, she doesn't seem to mind the water as much as a cat should. In fact, she almost seems to enjoy the warmth of it around her small paws. 

Javier seems to pick up on it too, “I thought cats don't like baths.”

“I guess not all of them?” You offer as he hands you the bar of soap and you begin to gently run it over the matted fur below your hands.

“Are we sure it's a cat?”

His voice is so serious that you can't help but laugh as you elbow his side, “Javi-”

“I'm just saying, hermosa. It could be a- an oddly shaped, brown raccoon.”

It does not turn out to be an oddly shaped raccoon. As the dirt comes off, layer after layer, staining the once white tub a gentle brown, it doesn't even turn out to be a brown cat.

The orange fur is dripping wet, making the small thing look even more pitiful than it had when you had spotted it hiding from the snow below a bench. At least the attempts to further scratch you have died down, the cat seemingly content to be warmed up and cared for.

“Hold on, I'll get a bigger towel,” you mumble and head to the small cabinet in the hallway. As you grab a well-worn one and pull it out, you hear a low voice coming from the bathroom, one that makes your head turn and hold still as you peek past the door frame.

“You're still shaking, peluda,” Javi whispers, crouched over the tub to gently brush his fingers through the dripping fur, no doubt not realizing you can hear him, “We’ll get you nice and warm, don't you worry.” A tiny meow comes as reply and he tuts softly, “Todavía no estoy seguro si eres un gato. You may fool her but not me. I'm an agent, you know? I can see right-” He punctuates his words with a soft, gentle pat on the cat's head, “- through - you.”

Your heart feels like it's about to jump out of your chest. You've never heard Javi talk to anyone so gently, anyone except yourself. And even then, it's usually reserved for when you're alone, tucked away in bed in the dark, tracing the skin of the person beside you.

A few minutes later you're seated in the living room, the tiny cat wrapped in a big towel on your lap as Javier hands you a baby bottle filled with some milk - both borrowed from the Murphy’s upstairs, who had both been equally confused when Javi had shown up on their doorstep to ask for both.

“Come on, peluda,” you reassure the kitten gently, repeating the nickname Javi used for her earlier, and very carefully, she begins to drink. The taste of the lukewarm milk seems to agree with her because after a few moments, the small sucks on the bottle becomes more eager and silence falls over the apartment, only interrupted by the small noises of the furball on your lap.

Javier is still standing in the open kitchen, watching as you feed the animal, occasionally reassuring her with a gentle pat or a different angle of the bottle.

He swallows, trying to get the realization that his head is producing back down into his stomach, the scenarios running in front of his eyes away from the surface. But there is no un-knowing the things he knows, no way to get rid of them.

He wants children.

It's not a possibility, not in Colombia, not with the cartel so close. Maybe it won't be one for a few years to come, until things are more quiet, until he has fixed everything he needs to fix. Including himself.

But as he watches you, the ever-growing wish settles in his throat, placing itself dangerously close to his mouth. Javi swallows again. He doesn't want it to slip out. Not yet, anyway.

He stands there, content to just watch as the cat eagerly takes one sip after another until the bottle is empty and the ball of orange fur purrs gently as it settles onto your knees, eyes already drooping.

Your voice is quiet as you urge him to come closer and with a small sigh, Javi settles down next to you, his arm automatically wrapping around your shoulder. He doesn't realize how close the picture of the three of you is to what he might have in a few years, minus a round stomach or a non-furry little companion on your lap. It's okay. He can wait.

“Can she stay?” You almost beg, your eyes finally leaving the kitten in front of you to wander to Javi instead. He sighs softly, both of you looking at each other. Then, his gaze leaves your face.

Brown puppy eyes meet green kitten eyes. They look at each other for a moment. Then Javi nods, “Yeah. She can stay.”

notes: shoutout to the person on my discord who said "funny, normally javi is happy to see a pussy" (i love you) also: do not give kittens cow milk (unless theyre starving and theres a snowstorm i guess?) idk this is no vetinary advice, google that shit if you ever bring home a kitten to your dea agent husband.

[vesora]

dealing with fear of abandonment through LOA + general tips

personal backstory / long post ahead

“Change your conception of yourself and you will automatically change the world in which you live. Do not try to change people; they are only messengers telling you who you are. Revalue yourself and they will confirm the change.” ― Neville Goddard, Your Faith is Your Fortune

as a child, my needs were not met and therefore, i developed a schema that people were meant to disappoint me and leave me and my relationships, both platonic and romantic reflected EXACTLY that.

countless times, i was ‘left’ without any reason, always strengthening the notion i had always felt that people were meant to abandon me. even if i was close to someone, i would still engage in self-sabotaging behaviours when i felt disappointed by the expectations i had set for them. feeling this lack of control when it came to relationships because i was so deathly afraid of being left alone; of disappointing the other. not putting myself first because i felt the only sense of worth i had was through whether another found me worthy. this is all very hard for me to say of course, im a private person but i felt maybe someone at least needed to hear this. my parent would be nice at one point and disinterested in the other, i felt i had to work to gain their approval and for them to be nice to me all the time. i needed them to view me as perfect, so they wouldn’t leave me. but guess what guys? thats stupid, bcos fuck perfection.

in my abandonment activation strategies/self-sabotaging behaviours, my body would go into a state of desperation, in dire need of any sort of relief and safety, crying my heart out because i was so scared, leaving people because i was scared of being left first. being scared i was being clingy by asking for reassurance which in turn sends me into another frenzy, isolating myself from people so i have no chances to be hurt, feeling resentment when someone doesnt meet my expectations/needs through no fault of their own. my inner child would just take over my body, repeating the same distress i experienced as a kid. 

but i am not a kid anymore. i am a well-functioning adult and i cannot continue this abandonment schema. so what do i do?

i use loa. 

how to use loa + general tips for this:

recognise that everything and everyone is you pushed out. your relationships play out the way you assume they will. this is not to say at all what happened when you were a child was your fault. we are not to blame. our needs were simply not met.

change the way you view relationships, no matter how hard it may be. if everyone is just us, how can anyone else abandon us? not even that, why would anyone leave us? we are amazing and fun and good people

be someone YOU are proud of, irrespective of what other people think. all is mind, so why do you think you need to impress someone who’s just another part of you? a part that can easily be molded

you are not clingy. you are not desperate. you are not unworthy. you are not unlovable. repeat affirmations that you are lovable. that you deserve to have your needs met. that everyone meets your needs. that you never feel abandoned. that you love yourself unconditionally. YOU are on the pedestal, NOT anyone else.

if someone is emotionally unavailable, this DOES NOT mean they do not love or care about you! they might be busy, not be well-versed with showing emotions in a healthy way, express their love in a different way than yours or they may simply be going through something in their lives right now. 

when this happens, you can talk to the person about it and usually in my experience, the person understands and reassures me that they still love me and that we are okay. if a person is not willing to make sure you are okay, maybe rethink their position in your lives. you are the pedestal, not them. now just because someone reassures you doesn’t mean you don’t work on yourself. you do work on yourself through LOA and useful strategies.

take deep belly breaths when you feel yourself get triggered. it is okay. you are going to be okay, i promise. the next day im sure you will feel fine. it is not the end of the world, i promise you. the world IS you. just change it.

reassure your inner child and your adult self that you are okay now. you are the best version of yourself right now. you are safe. you are secure. you are not in danger. your life is in YOUR hands. YOU are in control. YOU created this life. the only way to change it is within.

if you feel impatient and you want things to change IMMEDIATELY, i.e. when youre having a panic attack, take deep breaths and remember this is temporary. remember you are in control of what happens but also do not be attached to any outcome, just have faith that everything works out in your favour.

if you feel resentment when someone doesn’t meet your expectations, do NOT use strategies to hurt them or leave them. just calm down and view them with a gaze of love. transmute this feeling of resentment and abandonment to love and understanding, you can even visualise it. they still love you, you can manifest them to love you the way you want to idk but still they love you! don’t try to make them jealous, don’t distance yourself, don’t do whatever you do to get ‘revenge’ idk, it is NOT healthy. it only hurts YOU in the end. plus, LOA dictates the way people act with you is a reflection of yourself, so all you need to do is change self.

no matter what, KNOW you are loved. even if your body is freaking out and wants to flee, tell yourself in the moment it will pass. it has to. your trauma trigger reactions are NOT you. 

it may be hard to believe that someone loves you. for me, i felt like i was delusional. that i was kidding myself, because how dare i assume someone loves me? that’s why i kept seeking external reassurance for any semblance of love because i was not giving that reassurance to myself internally. and when someone didn’t give me that reassurance in the 3d, i’d freak out, even though i had manifested it unknowingly. how can i go to the 3d and ask for love when everything, good and bad, is within me? as the creator, how can i not tell myself i am worthy of love and that people close to me love me? how can i not believe that when all is me? it is a bit stupid to think like that, no? well i did, and to an extent i still do. but i’m recovering. i deserve to live a life where i am not constantly afraid. i deserve to live a life where i can speak with confidence that someone loves me. it is hard for me, even now, but i know i will get through it, as will you. 

let’s be brazenly impudent together, shall we?

“Dare to believe in the reality of your assumption and watch the world play its part relative to to its fulfillment.” ― Neville Goddard

[luvyeni]

CONSEQUENCES OF A ONE NIGHT STAND. ( chapter. 44 )

💬nias note: and here it is the moment that we’ve all been waiting for.

— CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR: it’s time …

— 𖦹 warnings?

previous - next - masterlist

You felt it, a kick — no, it wasn’t a normal kick, this felt different. You ignore it, going back to sleep, there’s no way that could be happening right now — until you felt it again, this time 10 times as harder, you shot up grabbing your stomach.

then you feel something else, your bottom half is soaked — you water broke. “oh my god.” you whispered. “jake!” you screamed, another sharp pain. “jake!” you heard shuffling coming from the next room, jake bursting through the door half asleep, his hair messed up. “what’s wrong?”

you glared at him as he finally took in the scene. “oh shit, right now?” he began to panic, running around trying to grab everything; you would’ve laughed at him had you not been in a bunch of pain. “jake calm the hell down.” he stopped taking a breath. “okay, i’m calm.”

“then help me up.” he ran to your side, helping you out the bed. “are you in a any pain?” you wanted to hit him so bad, but you had to remember he was just as scared as you were. “please just get me to the hospital, i am not having this baby on this floor.”

so that’s exactly what he did, you aren’t sure how fast he was going, or if he was even going the speed limit, but he got you there fast.

they immediately took you to the back to check your cervix. “yup, this baby is definitely ready to come out.” the doctor called for a bunch of nurses. “it’s gonna be okay, you’re gonna be fine.” jake held your hand.

“i will never let you touch me again in your life.”

after many pushes , and you yelling and cursing at jake like he purposely harmed you, he knew you were just in pain and you didn’t mean anything you were saying, but you still made a mental note to apologize for basically cursing his bloodline — but after all that, you still delivered a beautiful baby girl. “she’s gorgeous.”

the nurse put the baby in your hands, you were sweaty and bleeding, and tears were flowing down your face, but you were happy. “look at that.” jake smiled, close to tears himself. . “she’s the most gorgeous baby i’ve seen in my life.”

they took the baby, to clean her up, while they moved you to the recovery room, give her some fresh clothes, handing her right back to you. “mom?” the nurse entered the room. “congratulations you both, you delivered a healthy baby girl.” she smiled. “we need a name, for the sweet baby.” she said“i really like minji?” you turned to jake. “i like it too.” the nurse smiled. “great, i’ll leave you guys to it, congratulations again.”

jake carefully sat on the bed, repeating the name over and over, smiling ear to ear. “you want to hold her?” his eyes widened. “me?” he said, you shook your head. “hold your daughter jake.” he loved the sound of that, picking up the small newborn, carefully, he held her close to his chest. “she’s so cute.” he said, the baby moved around, a small smile on her face. “she’s smiling.” you laughed at his wide eyes. “yeah she probably remembers your voice, you talked to my stomach more than you talked to me.”

you opted on not having any visitors, just wanting to be alone with your baby — but that didn’t stop them from calling to see you and the baby, promising to come see you as soon as you leave the hospital. “okay mom, yn needs to rest soon, yeah i promise to call, i love you too.” jake hung up the phone. “she can’t wait to see you and the baby.”

“can’t believe the first time i’ll meet your parents not only will be introducing our relationship, but a baby too.” you chuckled at the circumstances. “i guess we did do it a little backwards.” you sat up, watching over the baby. “yn, you need some rest.” jake said, you were nodding off. “you haven’t slept yet, you just delivered a baby.”

“i just can’t stop looking at her.” you said. “i’ll stay with her okay, just get some rest.” he helped you lay down. “don’t fall asleep.” you yawned. “i won’t, i promise.”

he stayed up, watching over the both of you. minji began to turn, whining. “hey.” he whispered picking up the baby. “whats wrong?” he rocked her back and forth. “mommy fed you before she fell asleep, you should be fine.” he said, the baby cooed in his arms. “ah you just wanted to be held.” he smiled. “okay, but only for a little bit.” he sat down.

“cute just as like your mommy.” he chuckled. “swear i’m gonna be good dad to you, won’t let nothing and no one harm you.” he kissed the crown of her head. “i won’t let nothing harm you or your mommy.” he didn’t realize you were up. “jake?” he looked up. “you promise?” you said. “you promise to do everything you just said?”

he got up, putting the now sleeping baby girl down in the crib. “yn.” he lied down next to you. “i mean every word.” he kissed your forehead.

“every single word.”

— ( taglist. CLOSED ) @j-wyoung @whoslai @cha0thicpisces @sunsunl0ver @wonyoungsvirus @omgtintarr @en-dazed @kwiwin @httpsrinrin @igotkpoops @enhaz1 @ahnneyong @electrobutterfly @nes-caf @beomgyusonlywife @jup1t3r-y30n @gyulune @ddazed-lhs @shuichi-sama @mixtape-racha @rikisly @ilikekpop-c @jenjnk @ilovehimyourhonour @peachyun02 @primroselover @sxurgrapes

©LUVYENI

[chroniclesofbts]

Call Me Home Part 3

Idol hybrid BTS x hybrid foreigner reader

Warnings: implied sexual themes, smut, angst, fluff, polyamorous relationship

If you’re not 18+ please, do not interact.

As always, my works do not represent BTS in any way, this is purely a work of fiction.

*short chapter, I cut this part in half because it was so long*

Y/N's POV

Coming to, I can hear voices around me and an annoying beeping. Listening intently I hear the words, "not heat", "too risky", "trauma", and "management". The monitor attached to my heart gave away that I was waking up, the beeping increasing. My eyes flutter open, the light blinding me initially.

"Hey, welcome back. You really scared me there" Jin said softly, sitting on the edge of the hospital bed. "I thought my face was just too handsome for you" he joked to lighten the mood.

"How are you feeling Miss... ?" A woman in scrubs asked

"Fine, head is a little heavy, I'm a little sore too. What happened?" I questioned

"You passed out in the shower with Jin. You didn't hit your head or anything, he managed to hold you up and call Jungkook for help." I flushed at the thought of Jungkook seeing me naked. "Can I ask you some personal questions?" The doctor asked gently, "Your pack can stay here or leave if you feel uncomfortable at any time"

"Um, s-sure" I stuttered

"Do you have any nightmares?"

"Oh, uh yeah, most people do though" I joke

"How many a week?" She says writing things down on a clipboard.

"Uh it depends, maybe like 5?" Jin's hand finds mine, and holds it in a comforting manor.

"Do you ever feel numb?" She continues

"Yeah, I guess if I get too overwhelmed I do." I answer honestly

"Do you feel like you startle easily? Have trouble concentrating?"

"Sometimes" I answer, starting to close in on myself.

"Last question, where do you see yourself in the future?"

"I mean, how far out? I see myself with the pack, for as long as I have left" I answer, feeling Jimin lean his head on my shoulder from the right side where he was sitting.

"I see, thank you for answering my questions, I will talk to your packs leader and you should be able to go back to their dorms in the next few hours." She smiled, motioning to Namjoon to follow her.

"How long was I asleep?" I ask Jimin

"3 days, you must have been tired and your body was recovering from the shock to your system with the pills you took." Jimin explained.

"Why was she asking all of those questions?" I ask him nervously, "Did I do something wrong, are you going to replace me?" I whimper

"No! No, baby, never" Jin said, squeezing my hand. "We just want to make sure we can help you, make sure we can be enough for you"

"Oh, why?" I mumble confused as I feel myself blush.

"Because you deserve the perfect pack" Jimin said, pushing his nose further into my scent gland.

"Wait, I thought I was in heat" I look at Jin, who looks away bashfully.

"Your body has never had a heat, it wasn't ready for a heat, your body was fighting the medicine, it caused you to get sick. Right before you passed out I could smell the shift in your hormones, I just didn't figure it out until you passed out. I, o-overwhelmed your b-body. I c-caused it, I am so sorry" He cried, "we don't deserve to be your pack, we couldn't even take care of you as soon as we got you"

"Jin, I don't blame you. It's not your fault, how could anyone have known? You caught me, right? I didn't get a concussion. It's okay"

Before he could respond, Namjoon came in the door followed by a man I had never met before.

"This is Sejin, one of our managers. After talking with the medical staff, we think it's best to start you on a month of medicine to encourage a natural heat cycle. This will also give your body time to adjust to being in a pack, as well as let your mind work through everything that has happened recently. With the rush of moving and education, now this, your body and mind are overwhelmed. We want to make sure you're completely healthy and ready." Namjoon explained as the nurses started to detach me from all of the medical equipment.

"Take it easy for the first week, bed rest for the first 5 days at least. Your body is recovering and we don't want anything to delay the process." The nurse explained.

"Here, we brought you some clothes, its ours, but we will get you your own soon" Jungkook said, handing me some clothes that smell like all of them. He helped me up with a blush and led me to the connected bathroom to change. I quickly changed into the sweatpants and shirt, pulling the drawstrings so they fit move comfortably. I opened the door and found him waiting outside, eyes widening, pupils dilating, at me in their clothes. He extended his hand to me and started to walk me over the the wheelchair.

"I don't need that" I said, trying to pull out of his grip.

"Okay" Jungkook smirked, sweeping me off my feet, "but you can't walk, doctors orders. I prefer this way too" he winked.

"W-wait, actually, the chair l-looks fine" I stuttered through my embarrassment.

"Sorry, cutie, I like this way" He smiled, staring at me with a fondness I haven't seen yet. He carries me through the lobby and outside to the waiting car. Jimin's mouth dropped open as he whined about how unfair it was that he got to carry me, causing a few others to grumble too. He hands me to Namjoon, who pulls me close in his lap, shoving his face into my neck and relaxing. The drive was filled with lots of joking and flirting, I swear my face was always flushed. Jin steals me away from Namjoon to carry me inside and up the stairs to their room. It has a large bed where they obviously sleep all together, lots of pillows and blankets resembling a den. Jin gently lowered me into their den, showing through actions that he could care for me. I immediately relaxed, realizing that even being surrounded by predators, I was safe. I let my eyes flutter closed, my body pulling me under with exhaustion. The last thing I register is a body laying down gently next to me, in their animal form, their purring lulling me deeper into dreamland.

Taglist open (please let me know if I missed you): @dachshunddame @minjianhyung @minhanbyeol

[justcallmenikki7]

BTS Reaction To: Past Relationship Trauma

Hyung!Line

Summary: your past relationship with your ex messed you up and you still deal with the trauma, but your boyfriend now reassures you and proves to you that you are safe and loved.

Warnings: past trauma, mentions of anxiety and depression, self-harm, past emotional abuse and mental abuse mentioned, insecurities, angst, fluff, hyung!line being the sweetest boyfriends, self-doubt. MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING: SELFHARM

W.C.: 2.4k

Notes: heeeey, I’m back! This is an emotional rollercoaster because this is some of the shit, I went through with the boy I told you guys about. At the time I did not realize what was going on, but now that I do, I needed to write about it but with fluff and daydreams about the boys. I have a lot of things to work on because of him, but this gave me some healing and hope that my future S/O can understand where I am coming from on how I feel and that I’m going to be healing. I am healing, but the thought of being vulnerable again is scary, because you know, trusting someone with your heart is scary. But I want to let everyone know that it is okay to heal, it is okay to trip in the process in healing. So, I hope you enjoy this, and it might be hard to read, but take time. I am working on the Maknaes!line, and it should be up soon!

Kim Seokjin:

He started noticing that you have become off a few weeks ago. He did not know what was going on because from his knowledge everything was fine, and you guys were happy. Doing everything that he can, such as having the house clean before you got home from a long day at work, making sure your hoodie, or his because you have claimed it as yours, that you wear at night for bed was warm because he always puts it in the dryer before you go to bed.

It is scaring him because he loves you and does not want to lose you at all because you are his ray of sunshine. Trying to figure it out himself, he realized that you are putting a wall up that he thought he knocked down. He knows that you were mistreated in your last relationship, and it makes you scared that it would happen again. But after a year of proving to you that will not happen, he thought he conquered your demons and got rid of them, but maybe he missed those.

Finally, he approached you about it as he lays in bed with you, getting ready to get to bed.

“Baby? What’s going on?” He asked, grabbing your hands, holding tightly onto them.

Not realizing that those four words made you break down into tears. Freaking out, he pulled you into arms and held onto you tightly, caressing your hair and whispering encouraging words to you, trying to calm you down.

“I’m so scared that somethings going to go bad with us. We’re so happy and healthy that I can’t believe that this is what happens in healthy relationships. Something is not right. This isn’t right. When are you going to get irritated with me and dump me? This must be wrong because this isn’t right.” You choked out, holding tightly onto him.

That is what it was. You fear happiness, and you are not used to it. Seokjin felt like his heart broke because it hurts him to see someone who gives their all to someone and then it gets destroyed over and over. So having someone and something who doesn’t do that is so odd because you are used to that pattern and when it changes, it’s terrifying.

“I know baby. I know. You’ve been hurt so many times that being used to that kind of treatment is familiar and when you get out of that and find healthy… it’s a foreign feeling that you start preparing yourself for downfall. It’s okay to be scared, but please don’t push me away. I want to be here for you and help you. I know it’s hard, and I’ll go at your pace, but please don’t shut me out. I love you so fucking much. How about this. How about we every day sit down for however long and talk about things that are our minds. I know in that pretty head of yours can be your own worst enemy and you get stuck in it. Let me help you get unstuck, okay?”

Looking up at him with teary eyes, you nod your head in agreement. Leaning down, Seokjin presses a kiss on your lips that always makes his heart flutter. He felt you relax in his arms and smile into it.

“I don’t deserve you.”

“Yes, you do. Mr. WorldWide needs his Mrs. WorldWide, and he just so happens to have found her when they both needed each other.”

Min Yoongi:

Sometimes Min Yoongi wishes that he could read your mind like Edward Cullen in Twilight because that way he could get your overthinking to stop. He knows what hell you went through with your ex-boyfriend, and he wishes he could beat his ass for what he did to you.

But he does his best to be patient with you because he knows it’s trauma that you carry with you, and something you are working on and that is your constant overthinking.

Now, he doesn’t blame you and can understand and see clearly why you overthink because your ex-boyfriend was a manipulative, narcissistic dick. He fucked with your mind so badly that it took you almost a year to trust your mind and your own thoughts.

Right now, though, he could tell that you wanted to tell him something but kept back tracking, and this is something that he can’t help but to get irritated with. To be clear, it’s not him irritated with you, but irritated at the fact some boy fucked with your head so badly that you’re scared to even explain how you feel on a situation.

“Y-Yoongi, can I talk to you?” You stuttered, confidence nowhere in sight.

“Of course, what’s wrong?” He asked gently, giving you a gentle, loving smile, knowing that approaching him on how you feel so hard because of your past.

Taking a deep breath, you began to fidget with your fingers, and he could tell your anxiety is creeping you onto you. “I know you’ve been busy lately and that it’s been stressful, but I’m just worried that I did something wrong because you have been kind of short with me and not as t

talkative. And I’m sorry if I did something, and I seem clingy, but like I just needed to ask— “

You were cut off by his finger on your lips, shutting you up in a gentle manner.

“No baby, you didn’t do anything wrong, I promise. I should’ve approached you earlier on this, and I was about to before you came in. I didn’t mean to sound irritated and distant when we messaged each other. I was very caught up in my writing and yesterday the Maknae line was getting on my nerves, so I kind of took my irritation out on you when that was not my intention.”

“So, I didn’t do anything wrong?” Needing to hear the confirmation just one more time from him.

“No, my love, you did nothing wrong, I promise you. I’ll make sure next time to watch out on how I approach you if I’m irritated, I promise.”

Smiling at him with a small smile, he knew that you were still unsure and nervous, which he understood. But you’ve both made more progress in the last six months with you believing him because he made a promise that he will fix you and prove to you that he is not like your ex.

Leaning towards you, he grabbed your face with his hands lovingly and brought your lips to his and kissed you with all the love that he has for you in it. He smiled into the kiss once he felt your smile against his lips.

It takes time, and he knows that there’s still more battles for you both to get through, but he knows you both will get through it together.

Jung Hoseok:

The past couple of weeks, your anxiety has been skyrocketing through the roof to where you have anxiety attacks every single day and Hoseok does not understand why. Hoseok is very familiar with anxiety – having experienced with anxiety with himself – but he does not know on how to approach you on this. You are very secretive with your mental health, besides when it comes to anxiety because it is a part of you, and he knows that you hate that it is. He also does know that your past relationship with your ex, he heard from your best friend that he made you feel bad about your mental health and always made degrading comments about it, especially with the medicine that you take.

Coming home from dance practice, Hoseok was confused on why the house was so quiet. Your car was parked in the driveway and your shoes were in the shoe cubby that was by the front door, so obviously you were home, but the house was deathly quiet. Kicking his shoes off, not thinking about putting them in the shoe cubby, he sat his duffle bag down and began his mission on finding you. Checking the kitchen and living room and not finding you there, he made his way down the hall towards your guy’s bedroom. Entering it, he saw the light that was coming from the bathroom, and he heard some movement coming from in there. Walking straight into the bathroom unannounced, he found you with a razor in your hand and fresh cuts along with your wrist.

“What in the fuck are you doing?” Hoseok asked, panic in his tone.

Looking up at him in shock, you threw the razor away from you, tears coming to surface in your eyes as you broke down completely.

“I-I’m so sorry, I blacked out and-and I could not resist it,” you sobbed out, panicking to grab toilet paper to stop the bleeding. “I-I’m so sorry, please do not be mad at me,” you begged, trying to take care of the wounds on your wrist.

Not saying anything, Hoseok grabbed the washcloth that was laying on the sink and wetting it. Making his way towards you, he gently grabbed your wrist and began to dab at it with the washcloth, his focus was making sure to clean up the mess and getting the bleeding to stop.

After a few quiet minutes – minus your sobs and shaky breaths – he finally spoke, “what happened?” He asked you, voice filled with worry.

“I-I could not control it; my mind became too loud and my thoughts getting the best of me. I tried, Hope, I tried so hard to ignore it, but it took over.”

“What thoughts, baby?” He asked, needing to know what you were thinking.

“That I was becoming too much and not enough. Everything was going so right, too right, and I guess I just could not handle it. I just thought I would be the one to sabotage it and hurt myself before you hurt me so it would be easier to cope with.” You began to sob harder, not being able to take the thought of losing Hoseok. “I fucked up, I’m so sorry.”

“Baby, no you did not. You tripped and tripping happens with healing, I’m not going anywhere I promise. We will get you through this, okay? We are in this together, okay? I got you; I promise baby.”

“Okay.” You stuttered out, breathing heavy and mind foggy. But you trust him, because he did not make you feel bad about what happened, and he is still here with you.

Kim Namjoon:

It is hard seeing someone who you love so much hate their self so much to where they are so fragile emotionally and mentally. Some days, they can be doing so good and the next day they are back in their rabbit hole, not being able to take a small thing of criticism and thinking that they cannot achieve anything because of constantly, in their mind, messing up.

This is Namjoon’s thoughts on you. He loves you so much, but seeing you so destroyed from a past relationship and trying to heal yourself still breaks his heart. Just because of this, Namjoon is not going to leave you, he is wanting to fix you. Some people think that this can be exhausting and would give up, but Namjoon is not giving up on you. You both have gotten farther in your healing process, but some things can tip you off. And that thing was losing your father because of your beliefs being different than his, and it crushed you because you began to think that your thinking was not right. Getting out of mentally abusive relationship to where you felt wrong for having your own thought process and having to second guess yourself is a toll. Because, when you had your own opinion on something, your ex would criticize you for thinking the way you did and made you feel bad about it became unbearable. You lost yourself and felt so lost in your own mind that you did not know who you were anymore.

So, coming home to you tonight crying on the couch, Namjoon knew what to do. Setting his belongings down in the entrance, he made his way over to you, taking the blanket off the back of the couch and laid it over you. Sensing his presence, you sat up and wrapped the blanket around yourself before lunging yourself into his arms.

“My love, what happened?” He asked gently, running his fingers through your hair, massaging your scalp – an act that you love and found comfort in.

“I’m so sorry, I know that this is becoming old, and tiring, but at work, a coworker criticized my work, and I defended it! I defended myself, Joonie, but-but they got to me, making me think what I thought and said was stupid and they did that smirk. They did that smirk and it got to me, when it shouldn’t have. We’ve been working on this, but I could not help it. But it hurt. It made me feel pathetic and stupid. I’m so stupid.”

“Baby, I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself, and that is such huge progress that you have made. I am so, so proud of you, baby. And I know that they got to you, but you have to realize that - wait was it Michael who said that?” He asked, needing to make sure that he knew who it was from your work.

“Yes,” you replied.

Laughing at this confirmation – not at you, but at the fact that this dick who is below you in success at your company is criticizing you since he has not had a promotion in two years while you have in the past year. “Of course, it was him. My love, please do not work yourself up on someone who is less than you. And I know this is hard, but we can get this. Like you said, you defended yourself! Do you know how long you and I have been working on this? For a year and you finally did it! You did it baby, and now our next mission is to work on not caring about what Michael thinks, and not letting this dick make you feel bad about how you feel and think. We got this. Do we have a deal?”

Smiling up at him, you nodded, “but it is going to be hard. He got to me, and this is going to be difficult.”

“And it was difficult for you three months ago to defend yourself, but you finally did it. And I know for a fact that we will get to where you will be able to not care about what people think of you, and how you think and feel. We got this baby.”

Smiling, feeling much better, “we got this.”

[smartycvnt]

Too Close

Title: Too Close

Pairing: Jennifer Jareau x Reader

Word Count: 621

Y/n rushed over from Will's without a care in the world from any of the traffic laws. She didn't know much other than JJ had been admitted to the hospital, which was all she felt like she needed. Something had gone wrong with an unsub, and JJ was hurt. Y/n's brain was doing overtime trying to reassure herself that JJ would be fine.

She couldn't give up the family she had just found. JJ was like everything to her, and the things that JJ brought to their relationship made it more important than anything else Y/n had ever experienced. Y/n couldn't give up Henry and Michael, who were her sons at this point. All they had to do was wait a few months for the wedding and paperwork to be filed properly, then it'd all be official.

"Excuse me, I need to know what room Jennifer Jareau is in?" Y/n asked between heavy pants. She had sprinted her way across the parking lot to be there. Y/n leaned against the wall by the reception desk as she tried to catch her breath.

"I will need to see some identification first, and what is your relation to the patient?" Y/n let out a small groan of frustration as she began to frantically search for her wallet in her bag. Once she found it, Y/n pulled her driver's license out of it and pushed it towards the receptionist.

"My name is Y/n Y/l/n and I'm the fiancee. I am also one of the emergency contacts," Y/n said. The receptionist handed back the license with a little slip of paper attached with JJ's room number on it.

"She probably won't be discharged tonight, but you are free to go see her."

"Thank you," and with that, Y/n ran off towards the elevators. She felt like she couldn't get to JJ's room fast enough. All she wanted to do was see the woman that she loved. Nobody had told her anything about JJ's actual condition. Y/n's mind was still running rampant with possibilities about what could have gone down. She would have been relieved if JJ didn't work for the BAU anymore, but she couldn't imagine how devastated JJ would have been for that to be taken away from her.

"Y/n, you didn't have to rush here. Hey, are you okay?" Y/n was relieved to see that JJ was perfectly fine and healthy, but that didn't do much to push away the adrenaline that was already coursing through her veins. She had been terrified of losing JJ, something that she apparently had no chance of doing in the first place.

"I heard you got hurt, so I came running. They didn't tell me what happened, just that you were in the hospital. You really scared me back there," Y/n admitted. JJ knew how hard it was for Y/n to admit her fear, even when it came to things like that. Y/n was good about putting on a brave face no matter what was going on around her.

"I'm sorry. I really am. There was just a little scare at work, nothing major. How about you pick something up for dinner, and I'll get the boys, does that sound nice?" JJ asked. There was nothing else in the world that sounded better than what JJ had offered up. "I'll see you at home. I love you."

"I love you too. See you then," Y/n said as she stepped out of the hospital room. Y/n waited out in the parking lot for JJ to leave before setting off towards JJ and the boys' favorite restaurant nearby.

[gxthicwxrm]

Without Him- m. murdock x reader

Pairing: Matt Murdock x reader

Word Count: 784 (it's alittle drabble thing)

Warning: Angst, semi happy ending, cursing, cheating, mentions of She-Hulk(show and character)

Enjoy!!

---

You did what?" Your anger is overflowing as your eyes glare a whole into the man in front of you. "Actually, I don't care. J-Just get out of my way." Keys in hand, you swiftly move towards the door of Matt's apartment with tears burning down your face. Quickly, the vigilante intercepts your path, arms reaching out to hold you as he pleads. 

"N-No, please. Let me explain. I-I don't know why I did it. But I promise it will never happen again. You mean the-" 

"Don't. Don't stand here and lie to me, Murdock. We both know this bullshit you're spewing wouldn't hold up in court and it ain't holding up here. Let me leave." With your hands on his chest, you push him back, failing epicly as Matt uses this opportunity to grab your hands, thumbs caressing your knucks in what once was a welcomed sign of affection is now like razors dragging across your skin. 

"Please! Please don't leave. It'll never happen, I swear to God. It was an accident, it didn't mean anything." Matt drops to his knees, begging with your hands in his, still. Unable to look at your lover before you,, your eyes drift to the ceiling as the neon lights slowly paint the room in different colors. You couldn't let yourself fall into this trap. He made his choice, now you have to make yours. But can you make it?

"It meant enough for you to go back to L.A. to fuck her again. At least when she found out about us, she had the decency to tell me about you two, something that you couldn't do." Anger dries your tears with the flame that erupted in you as everything crashes into place around you, making your decision perfectly clear.

"I can change. I love you! I don't care about her. It'll never happen again, just let me prove it to you. Please, give me a second chance, please. I don't want to lose you." Tears stain his owe cheeks as he faces your direction. A smile breaks out across your face as a laugh erupts from your throat, loud and hysterical. Fear settled in Matt's heart as he watched the girl he loved, the girl he fought so hard for, shatter because of him.  

"It's so funny, Matt. You spend so much time trying to save everyone around you. Frank, Claire, Karen. Foggy, Hell's Kitchen. But you couldn't even save your own relationship. You couldn't save us. And it was never Fisk or his little copycat. It was never The Hand or Elektra or any of the other criminals you swore would harm us. It was YOU! The great hero, Daredevil." Shaking your head, you refuse to let the tears welling in your eyes fall. 

"Y/N, I love you. I'm so s-"

"No. I'm tired of your excuses. You don't get to lie about a "work trip" for a case and spend the whole time fucking She-Hulk. You can't even tell me why. What did I do wrong? Why did you have to do this to us? Fuck you! Fuck you!" Sobs crash through your body like a tsunami that leaves you broken and wanting to run. 

"Please-" Matt moved to hold you, but you flinched away, scared if he touched you that you'd fall into him and stay. You can't do that, not after this. Not now.

"We are done. I am leaving. Karen and Foggy will come by to get the rest of my things." Stunned, you dodge him making your way to the door. Before leaving, you look back at him now standing and crying coming toward you but stops when he sees calmness coming from you. 

"I hope you can save yourself, Matt. I really do. For your son's sake." With your one hand on the cool metal of the door knob and the other against your stomach. The last bit of Matthew Murdock was his shocked expression as you shut the door, stepping into the hallway. 

"You told him?" Karen asks as soon as you get into the car. Tears still flowing, you nod. Staring straight ahead she nods before pulling off towards your doctor's office. 

"Well, let's go see how healthy this little booger is." Karen giggles while doing a little wiggle dance. A smile cracks across your face as you watch your best friend be ecstatic to be an Aunt.

Maybe you can do this on your own. Maybe you can be okay without him.

Part Two

[baby-bearie]

darling, i don't wish you well

pairing: eddie munson x reader, mentions of steve harrington x reader

warnings: cussing, arguing, i think that’s it?

genre: angst, but with an optimistic ending

tags: @sunflowermotel @maraseavey @tinylatina01 @obx-direction-sos  @voguesir @morgansmoreid @yunhosleftpinky @adoreyou976 @milkiane @meaganjm @bbbbbbbl

taglist | masterlist

a/n: to be honest i didn’t expect anything other than angst. going back to my roots lol. 

summary: we’re just two people who have spent a lot of time trying to make the sun rise in the west and calling it broken when it won’t. 

“moving along pretty quickly, hm?” 

he crawls through your window, pushing past you and into your room. his mouth is set in a hard line, eyes frantic and hair messy. 

the peace of your bedroom had been interrupted the second your door closed softly behind you. hard knocks sounded from the window. he hears the weighted sigh as you run your hands over your face. but you still turn and open the window. if he wasn’t so upset, he might’ve smiled at that. 

now he stands in front of you, and he practically radiates anger. 

“how did you even get here, eddie?” 

he pauses and shrugs. “i ran.” 

“you ran? that’s, what, four miles?” you narrow your eyes. 

“who cares, y/n? why don’t you ask steve harrington’s volumized hair to measure it for you?” 

you groan and sit on your bed. “eddie, i don’t want to fight with you.” “this is not a fight, y/n! you’re not fighting! you’re leaving!” he laughs, mockingly. 

“that’s not true.” “okay, so what are you calling what you did? gently letting me go? going in a different direction?” 

you can feel the lump forming in your throat as you rub your hand over your eyes. “things weren’t working out, ed. it wasn’t healthy. we weren’t even-” 

“bullshit!” eddie cried, pacing in front of you. “so what? we floated apart. that’s normal, people grow, y/n. what’s not normal is you abandoning me instead of letting us fix it.” 

“i’m sick of fighting, eddie! it’s too hard. i love-“ you interrupt yourself with a hiccup. “loved you. but i can’t do it again. you made me feel so,” the sentence died out as your voice cracked, lost to your tears. “forget it, eddie. we weren’t even in a relationship.” 

“oh, don’t give me that,” he shakes his head. “we love each other. isn’t that a relationship? people in love?” 

“love doesn’t make a relationship, eddie. trust. honesty. commitment. none of which we have. we’re just two people who have spent a lot of time trying to make the sun rise in the west and calling it broken when it won’t.” 

eddie pauses in front of you. when you find his eyes, they’ve become bloodshot and even angrier. 

“so, that trust and honesty B.S., you have all that with steve fucking harrington?” 

you groan and cover your face with your hands. Your face is muffled when you speak again, “god, is that why you’re here, eddie? you didn’t actually want to talk, even though we haven’t spoken in months. you’re just here because i’m seeing steve.” 

“no, i do want to talk. i want to talk about you seeing steve. you know that i-” he rants, as if he’s entitled to a discussion about your life after he practically consumed your entire existence for two years. 

“no, i really don’t know anything about you anymore!  i was in love with you for two years, eddie. two years. i cannot take that back. i cannot fix it. you made me feel like this was working. like we were going somewhere. did you ever even want that? or did you just want me to keep following you around like some little kid?” you stand up, hands shaking as you shove at his chest. you need space, you need room to breathe. 

“and then what?” you gasp for air in your pauses, but you keep going. he needs to hear everything you’ve been so scared to say. “and then when i finally decide that i deserve better, that i am deserving of an actual relationship, and not just you telling me that you care about me, and then leaving me behind every time, that is when you show up here.” 

“don’t say that. i pick you every time. you know that.” “i don’t know that, eddie. not anymore. this isn’t fair. you didn’t care when it mattered. you don’t need to care now.” 

your voice has become quiet again. eddie’s lip quivers at the defeat in your tone, but he doesn’t want to cry in front of you. he doesn’t deserve your comfort. 

you’ve given up. these past years, he’s taken you for granted, thinking you would wait for you and him. your warmth, your presence. your help in his classes, your shoulder to lean on. but it’s been so long, and he hasn’t given you any signs that you were waiting for something real. and now you’re giving up on him. 

“so what?” he whispers. “we just,” he gasps, “we just go separate ways? pretend like i don’t know you? like i don’t love you?” 

“don’t say that. please don’t say that.” you shake your head.

“i love you, y/n.” “that’s not enough.” you rasp. 

eddie covers his mouth as a sob gets out. you’re slipping away from him. he grasps onto your bedpost and sits on the corner of your bed. “how long have you been seeing steve?” 

you pause. “please,y/n.” 

“a little over a month.” 

“i can’t watch you be with him.” “i can’t be with you.” “what am i supposed to do now? wish you two a good life and step away? i can't do that, y/n, i can’t.” 

“leave it, eddie. accept that we weren’t real. i’m trying to.” you regain your voice, and eddie nods, frowning. “do you love him?” 

“eddie, don’t-” “do you?” he looks up at you with so much desperation in his eyes that you falter. 

there’s a pause for air. and even though both of you are holding your breath, even though the silence is all-consuming, he hears you. he hears you loud and clear. 

“you don’t love him.” he whispers. 

a part of him opens back up, a part of him is filled with light again. you’re not gone. he hasn’t lost you yet. his mouth curves up at the ends as he stares up at you with wide eyes. 

“you don’t love him.” he repeats, wonder-struck, shaking his head slowly. 

you sigh, choosing to look at the ground. 

“eddie, you should go. really.” 

he doesn’t protest; he doesn’t need to anymore. he knows that he can still fix this. 

and so he crawls back out your window and turns in time to stop you before you close the window. “i love you.” 

you pause, face crinkled with worry. “i know, eddie. i’ll see you later.” 

as he shimmies down the backside of your roof and to the ground, he feels like a weight has been lifted off his chest. he’s alright. he knows everything will turn out alright, and he can still fix the hurt he’s caused. he walks back to his trailer whistling. 

you’ve handed him a map. and hell knows he’s going to find his way back to you. 

[thatsonemorbidcorvid]

Have you ever been to therapy? Any tips on how to find a therapist who isn't a misogynist/trapped in the fucking 1950's?

I am traumatized by female therapists and social workers.... the invalidation, the gaslighting, and the blaming.... they remind me of my damn mother; denying male violence, and viewing me, a woman traumatized by male violence to the point I have alchohol use disorder, ptsd, severe insomnia, ocd, adhd, anxiety, sucidial feelings, sex repulsion, etc, as inferior and as a joke and judge me for being single and not having a bf, no empathy for my pain.

I am breaking up with a current therapist, and I know folks say therapy isn't needed... but I need brainspotting or emdr... I don't sleep and am severely suicidal and scared of people. I need therapy, and feel re-traumatized by my therapis.

my father sexually abused me for 20 years and prevented me from experiencing romantic love.

she would ignore me and read while I was talking, until I said "I am sad I did not experience romantic love." she said it could happen at any age.

when I described limerence and romantic obsession (over a boy I was trying to date in secret, but didn't work out because I was my father's property in his mind and he was threatening to take and send nude photos of me to him.. I was 15, the boy I was dating was 15....) I told her I would imagine we had worked out, and she expressed she thought it was healthy I was fantasizing about this

basically, my trauma to her is attention seeking, and wasn't that bad, I talk too much, and just need a bf. I have experienced suicidal ideation over this therapist, and am scared to seek therapy again.

I myself want to be a therapist, because most therapists are misogynists and I really wanted to be the one who wasn't. I feel haunted

Hi anon,

This sounds really hard, and I’m so sorry you’re going through it all. It sounds like you should definitely stop seeing this therapist, since she isn’t helping and is in fact making you feel worse. Well done for making the decision to disentangle yourself from a situation that is harmful to you, and well done for all you’ve done so far. It’s really admirable that you’re considering entering a field that’s harmed you in order to help others (though don’t feel pressured to commit to that plan if you begin to feel differently).

I don’t feel able to give you specific advice about finding a new therapist, particularly since I don’t know whereabouts in the world you are (and please don’t feel any pressure to share that information) so I don’t know how the system works near you. What I would recommend, if you can manage it yourself or have someone help you, is to establish your boundaries up front when contacting new options, and trust your judgement of their response. If you make it clear up front that you have certain requirements and expectations from therapy - bearing in mind that you should have the power in that relationship, since they are there to help you - and get push back or mistreatment up front, then don’t waste any more of your time with that therapist, just move on to the next. Maybe you could send the same initial email out to multiple people, and then read through and consider the responses as they come in? And if any get through that stage, you can treat the first appointment as another screen, and end the arrangement at any time if you feel it’s necessary. You’re looking for a professional to provide you a service - if you wouldn’t accept a shoddy plumber or builder, you shouldn’t accept a shoddy therapist. Well done again for putting your foot down on the current one.

With regard to finding a list of potentials, maybe see if you can find any recommendations, or consider contacting a local women’s charity to see if they have any preferred options. I’m going to open this to the community and ask them to weigh in with advice and recommendations as well - I hope that’s ok. Radblr women, please interact if you have any knowledge or experience to share.

In terms of the immediate short term - please stick around, and please reach out for help from those who can provide it to you directly, whether that be professional or personal connections. With regard to commencing therapy with a new therapist - take your time, and have faith in yourself to know what’s best for you. You can do anything you set your mind to. Good luck xx

[ineffablyrandom]

My ex would punch walls or punch himself and scream crying everytime I would bring something up that upsets me or kapag may gusto lang akong pag usapan na bagay na ginawa niya na hindi ko gusto. I would talk to him gently not even starting an argument because I want a healthy communication but he would explode so I would be so scared kaya mananahimik na lang ako and ang ending I would be the one to say sorry because I brought something up. Kapag naman sumigaw ako para patigilin siya sa pag explode, pagsasalita ng kung ano ano or kapag nag explode na din ako or I reacted sa kung pano niya ko pagsalitaan ng masakit na salita ang sasabihin naman niya "see? Kaya ayoko makipag usap sayo ganyan ugali mo. Nag eeskandalo ka." He always say "lagi kang gumagawa ng issue puro emotion kase iniisip mo. Di ba pwedeng masaya lang" and for a long time I thought and really believed it was my fault why he always reacted that way. Na puro problema dinadala ko. Na masyado akong emotional. I'm the problem. Not knowing and realizing that he was being abusive to me.

There were times pa that I would be so ashamed of myself, I kept asking myself, how can I do something like that to someone? Why couldn't I just let it go? Bakit gumagawa ako lagi ng problema? Sinasabi niya din lagi sakin "nato-trauma na ko sayo." I feel bad when he tells me that. I can't believe na kaya kong mag inflict ng trauma sa isang tao so I would beat myself up for it. I don't want someone to be traumatized by me. Magso-sorry ako kase I brought something up. Magso-sorry ako kase di ko siya naiintidihan. We would come up with a solution sometimes, but really, feeling ko ako lang talaga ang mas nag compromise. Ako lang ang mas nag adjust.

I got so confused because I feel like I am a bad person but I know that I'm not, but why do I keep pushing the monster out of him. Why do I always bring out the worst in him? I was so sad because I always triggered him. One time sabi niya saken "ikaw lang nakakasagad saken ng ganito! Ang toxic mo!" Habang sinasapak niya yung harapan ng motor niya or yung sarili niya. But I don't want to be that way. So iniisip ko kung paano hindi ko siya matitrigger. Pero ang ending ako yung nade-drain. Naiinvalidate. Nagagaslight. Nama-manipulate.

I don't know how I became a different person when I was with him. I feel like a monster. Like sobrang sama ko. Na ang hirap hirap kong mahalin. One time I even jumped out of his motorcycle while moving because he was screaming at me, being so cruel sa words niya and telling me he was breaking up with me just because I called him out on being so mean to me, rude, and just belittling me by criticizing even the way I walk and the way I dressed. I don't even know why I did that. That time all I was thinking was to get away. I felt so bad after that. Because how can I put him in that position? I really became a different person with him, I wasn't even like the person I was with him when I was with my ex before him.

Now, I am not being a hypocrite, I am also not playing the victim. I know I have my flaws too sa relationship. There were times that I lose my temper too. There were times that I was being selfish too. I made mistakes. I am not perfect. I know in myself may pagkukulang din ako. I became toxic. He is not here to defend himself and tell his side of the story.

After we broke up I feel like a fog has been lifted and I can remember now all the things he put me through, all the things he said to me. I keep self reflecting now and nitpicking everything that's happened para malaman ko kung ano dapat baguhin sa sarili ko. Iniisip ko kung ano yung mga pangit kong ugali before, during and after the relationship na kailangan ko iaddress para ma-seperate ko kung ano yung particular time na it was really my fault. And also to help me din for my personal growth.

Right now these things are just running in my mind, and I keep asking myself if baka we bring out the worst in ourselves lang talaga and we are not really that compatible. But does that mean kailangan ko idisregard yung pagiging emotionally, verbally, and mentally abusive niya saken? What if napupuno lang talaga siya saken kapag pinipilit ko makipag usap ng maayos?

Diba sabi ng iba "You really have to love yourself first before coming into a relationship and not lower your standards and not tolerate something that you have a problem with. Because you are what you tolerate." But that's not the case all the time. Believe me or not, I went into a relationship with him ready, healed, loving myself, and knowing my standards. Somehow, some narcissistic person will come into your life and let you experience the worst relationship you ever had. Somehow, he managed to break me down little by little and I didn't even realize it. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I blame myself too much because how can I let someone break me to the point that I nearly don't recognize myself. Sometimes someone just really snuck the life and the light out of you. And it's scary now that I think about it, to encounter a person like that. You put faith and love and loyalty so much to that person only to break you apart.

[nikiiwi]

baek kyung is horrible and that's what makes him great.

if you've fallen in love with him uncritically, looked past his toxic actions and chosen to ignore that he's a walking red flag, i am concerned. i hope that's not doing any bad things to your brain. but him being awful is what's so compelling about him. he's a great antagonist for the story he's in.

he's a narrative foil for almost everyone around him.

eun dan-oh knows that yeah, technically she's smarter than the characters who have yet to become self-aware. but she respects their autonomy, however scripted it may be, and treats everyone with kindness. she doesn't see herself as better or more important just because she knows better. baek kyung does. whether it's bravado or pretense or genuine disdain, he treats everyone who hasn't woken up even worse than he did before.

ha-ru is often concerned for eun dan-oh's wellbeing. he's scared for her. her condition could kill her and there's no way for anyone to know when that could happen. he loves her and he understands his place in this is to support her. he's willing to go along with any plan she has to save her own life. baek kyung is also scared. and he's turning that on dan-oh. he's blaming her, even when he seems to be softer about it. he does not know how to express love in a healthy way. when he decides to help, he spends his time pushing the idea of their relationship as a method to save her. no matter how many times she insists that isn't what she wants.

lee do-hwa is the second male lead of secret. he's more or less accepted this, no matter how it may hurt, because he loves his female lead enough to let her go. it's enough to be by her side, however she wants him there. even if she's always on his mind, she doesn't need to be his whole being. baek kyung cannot accept that he is the second male lead of eun dan-oh's life (which is stretching the definition honestly). maybe if he had, they would form a genuine friendship. instead he imposes himself on her relationship and on her life because he cannot cope with the idea that if given the choice, she wouldn't pick the guy who belittles her constantly.

he's an unfortunate example of "hurt people hurt people".

it doesn't matter if he's on stage or in the shadow. baek kyung's home life is always awful. there has to be something uniquely painful about the discovery that your actions, your life, your personhood, were entirely scripted for you, when that's already been your reality for so long anyway. there is a life outside of his life but it's really more of the same. being a fictional character makes sense. he was never allowed to be real. it still hurts.

for baek kyung, hating the manhwaga is just transference. his father has already done enough to prove to him that he's a pawn in someone else's game. he hates this man, he resents the pain he's put him through. but when the stage is set, he also is vying so hard for his father's approval. how much of that emotional dissonance is left when he's back in the shadow?

his life is unfair, he's not alone in that. but he may be the only one who's not being taught how to cope with it. there's a little clique that's formed around the shared self-awareness, and he rarely steps into it. they rarely reach out to pull him in. he probably has few tools to understand how to ask for help. he probably cannot figure out the kind of help he actually needs.

and it doesn't help that the manhwaga instilled him with the core emotions of loneliness and rage. feelings that are hard to overcome without a lot of support. it's so easy for it all to turn to self-hate as he continues to be just wretched to everyone around him. he's asked what makes him act like that when he has the choice not to and he can't answer. he probably can't process that it is a choice. it's one thing for him to be so harmful when he's not in control of his actions, but he can't understand why he's still like that when in the shadow. he doesn't know how to change.

he's not a monster, he's just a kid.

baek kyung does monstrous things. vile, even evil, things. but he is so broken, and confused, and misguided, and hurt. and none of that makes the things he does okay. dan-oh would be within her rights to never forgive him – either universe's version of him – for the things he did to her. but just like his pain can't erase the way he harms people, his actions don't erase the fear in him. if he touches his terminally ill girlfriend's hand for support, that kindness will kill her. it's not true, it's not rational, but it's a very real scar that no one around him has even recognized.

he doesn't really deserve forgiveness. but in the end, he's trying to do the right thing so he can earn it anyway. he makes a choice that is not only about letting go, but about breaking a cycle of violence. he hates his father and the manhwaga for treating him like a tool, he resents his step-family and his schoolmates for ignoring his pain. he uses dan-oh as a tool to vent his ire and frustration, then as a generator of hope that might quell his loneliness. and he hates himself for it. because he knows that it's not right for him to ignore the pain that self-aware dan-oh would be feeling...if he allowed ha-ru to bring her back.

he knows it's not right. he doesn't know how to fix it and still be happy. so he chooses not to be. which is the right choice. it's the selfless choice. it's an unfair choice. because he's just a hurt kid and his childhood friend/arranged fiancee/abuse victim shouldn't be his only ray of hope. she forgives him, she tells him she doesn't see him as the monster he thinks he is, she allows him to express an apology so he can start to heal.

all it takes for him to begin to see a life that he doesn't spend alone and hurt is for his brother to see him. for him to hear from someone close that they see his loneliness, and who he is without it, and they believe he deserves better. they're sorry they didn't help him have something better. all he needed was i see you, i love you, i'm sorry.

baek kyung is a violent, unstable, manipulative asshole.

baek kyung is a hurt, confused, scared child.

he is all of those things, and that is what makes him so fascinating. that is what makes him an excellent sympathetic villain. in a story about regaining autonomy and saving your own life, there could be few better redeemed antagonists than an abused child who learns to stop being abusive.

[ruminate88]

Being Co-dependent And Having An Anxious-Attachtment style:

For the first time, I am truly understanding and realizing that me having an “anxious attachment style” and my exes, all having the “avoidant style” and yet it’s the perfect match! They know I won’t leave and walk away unless they push me too far or ghost me, so they can abuse me however they want. 😭 Then when I meet my first “healthy relationship” I’m already pleading with them to never hurt me or leave me but they never even showed any signs that they would ever leave AND I am so fearful that at any moment they will walk away so I create problems in my head overthinking and put up a guard so not to get hurt and yet my new partner hasn’t even done anything …. Therefore almost pushing the person away because I’m scared and they don’t understand what my problem is and they’re tired of having to “prove” themselves. Wow!!! Major breakthrough!!!!

I TOLD MYSELF TODAY: you have got to stop being co-dependent on men for your stability and happiness. You have got to be OK with yourself!! You have got to be able to stand on your own 2 feet!! If for whatever reason your spouse did leave, you should let him go and be able to be with yourself. (Although my spouse has not shown any signs of ever leaving me, he’s been so faithful and has not deserved the way I’ve been closed off from him.)

all this time I have been so fearful that my husband is just like my exes. There has been times my husband has not been open with me, not told me things about his day or about work and not asked me how I’m doing. But he did tell me this week that he’s battling some anxiety and it’s affecting him at work and it’s even affecting his relationship with his parents so that could be a problem between us as well , but I also think I contribute to the problems because I too do not share feelings out of fear that my feelings won’t be received or reciprocated or understood just like my past relationships. This is a pattern that I HAVE to break no matter what. I’m just so embarrassed and ashamed. I’ve already told my husband about my exes but I don’t wanna talk about emotional abuse with my husband. Just the thought of it makes me cringe. I don’t wanna talk about it with any of my family or friends that’s why I started this blog so I could privately write down what I’m going through and deal with it on my own without involving people that I feel like they would only get their feelings hurt if they truly knew what I had been through so far…

Do you relate to this content? ❤���‍🩹 If so, I hope my account isn’t just helping me but helping you too! No matter which style you have in relationships, you are not alone and it’s gonna be ok.

[fishedeyelenz]

Fishy!! Fish fish! It’s me! The, the long anon…? I mean yeah that works lol. Oooough fishy, OOOOUUUGGH…..I just went through my fourth surgery on my bloody knee and it’s still not fixed and correct and it hurts and oooooough….im about to RIP my leg off and THROW IT!! Or bite it off. Or…man I don’t know, shuck my kneecap like an oyster or SOMETHING.

So! I obviously cannot help but wonder….how would our dearest little twerp Billy handle an s/o with physical health problems? I have MANY issues, oh yes many, I’m very gifted in fact! Very talented. (But for real I’m actually okay) I’m sorry, I know this is like, super specific but…well, I have many physical limitations, I have POTS, neuropathy, complex regional pain syndrome, EDS, my stomach organ doesn’t work properly and I throw up my food when I eat unless I lay down and try to sleep, or am very still while laying down, just, lots of things, I’ve had to be in a wheelchair for long periods of time many times, saying all of this to give you an idea how I’m rather…a weak individual overall, but I love to play and roughhouse I just gotta, be careful and I can’t do a lot at a time lol. Which is hard for me sometimes cause I’m EXTREMELY strong willed when it comes to just, grinning and bearing it, an basically am willing to kill myself from pushing myself too much cause I wanna bloody do what I want!

Okay so, how would Billy be with someone like that? Someone like me? Someone who has (lots of) leg troubles or who has heart problems or maybe you can’t be too too rough with cause of chronic pain? Would HE be the one too scared to mess with me? For fear of hurting me? Would he understand? I have my own ideas and hopes, but I freaking love the way you write him, so I gotta ask!

I wonder if it would make him almost…more willing to show himself sooner…cause I wonder if like…should Billy have an object of affection that he pines for and stalks from afar in his little attic nest, but his object of affection if one who kinda…has to limp and hobble or roll around in a chair and is slow and kind of sickly at times, I can’t help but wonder if he’d almost work himself up wanting to help, in his mind, in his own billy way? Like in his mind he kind of mother hens from afar, with the way he thinks, and the fact that the s/o is, in his mind, weaker than him, for once he could take care of them, HE is the healthy one for once! HE is the strong one this time! HE’S the normal one, and it’s something he never even knew could happen in anyway! Like, I bet it would make him puff up his chest with pride by like, sneaking an extra blanket on them or something small, cause to him it’s it’s HUGE, HUGE that he of all people could actually offer something to someone! Something we all know he doesn’t think is possible!

Ooough I’m sorry,y mind is CURSED with far too many ideas and scenarios that are too gentle and sweet!! I think of all kinds of evil disgusting things…y’all would be horrified. *mushy loving sentimental things*

AND OH TO BE A KITTY WITH HIM. He can bite me with love all he wants, cause I DO THAT! I’m constantly biting my parents and siblings and nieces and nephews! It really is a love language I’m telling you. *naws on him like a chew toy*

ALSO I CANT WHISTLE!! I want to so badly!! He could teach me!! I bet he’d love trying to teach someone something, and we could laugh at how bad I am at it! But I’ve been practicing, I can….almost….ALMOST make a whistle sound…just…not…YET

Hello!! Finally tumbrl let me answer this ask </3 sorry about the delay. I hope you are doing well, and you're recovery is going good!! I hope your knee is managing to heal :( As for Billy... yeah I do think he would show himself sooner to you!! Especially if he develops an obsession on you, cause alas, relationships with him would start off as obsessions </3 But yeah, he would take notice of how you appear to be sick more often than not, and at first it let's him put his guard down around you for a bit. If you're weak, it means you can't hurt him, right? But as time moves on and he develops a genuine fondness for you (a thing he thought he wasn't capable of) he would start trying to take care of you from afar. Leaving your meds close by so you aways have them at hand, adjusting the temperature of your room while you sleep, small stuff like that. I actually think that he wouldn't even reveal himself to you willingly, rather you catch him one day acccidentaly while he's trying to help you from the shadows. A terrifying moment for you both, but you'll laugh about it later.

And yes, he would feel personally responsible for you, and would look out to aways make you feel good or better. Maybe it would actually push him to seek help, go to a therapist maybe, so he could take even better care of you. Cause I can see him having a rough start in your relationship, with him being unstable making him isolate himself from you. One of the main things he fears is of course hurting you, from being too rough with you. I guess you could help help each other with that, you helping him take care of his mental health, him taking care of your physical health.

AND TO BE A KITTY WITH HIM!! It might take time for you to roughhouse together, since his fear of being too rough with you, but when he learns ro better control himself and trust himself, he might just bite back.

And keep on trying whistling!! It took me two years to learn, but in the end it all payed off!! Billy would definitely try to help too hehehe!!

Anyways!! Thanks for the ask long anon!! Took me a while to reply, but I finally got it out!! Hehhehe

[bifangirl09er]

Love in the Air Episode 10 Reaction ** SPOILERS!!**

This episode in a whole is so adorable. Starting with that first scene where Pai is on the phone with his por. It made me so happy to see him just expressing his love for Sky, even though he has been a player for such a long time. Sky will be his first serious relationship, and he is just taking it so easily. I like how they do the montage almost of scenes from Pai taking care of Sky while he is sick. It makes me so happy.

That scene in the end, of the first montage, where Pai was leaving was just so sweet. You could see the love there in his eyes and slight hurt when Sky tried to push him away. He kind of said it like it was just a off-handed line, but the emotion shown in his eyes, shows that he did feel kind of hurt.

Then there is his wonderful friends, and how much they care for Sky and are even telling him he can't do anything even when people seem so stressed trying to find this for the Last Cheer.

QUICK THING ABOUT LAST CHEER: I am guessing they are making it so it's the architecture version of the gear ceremony. Which I love, that there are more types of ceremonies like that if it's true. It's not just rituals of the engineers.

I adore how Pai just genuinely cares for Sky and is willing to cuddle and be there for him when he is sick. I feel like they are both scared, in that scene, because they both are realizing, "Oh crap, I might be falling for him." Also, he seems to really be there for him when he is sick. He went out of his way to go to this school that he never went to. So, he could be around people he doesn't know except for Rain, Phayu, and Sky, to just take care of Sky, because he might feel ill still. Though the other reason is that he knows how stubborn Sky is, and will put too many above himself, which will make it so he gets more sick.

I love how they have both Phayu x Rain scenes related to the LAST CHEER and Prapai x Sky. Phayu looks so possessive in that scene when they are doing the wrist tying. It's like oh yeah we told all of your friends, not just Sky so now, everyone will know YOU ARE MINE. Then there is Prapai in the corner, with his eyes only on Sky, appreciating it all from afar, and just keeping an eye on everything.

Okay Pai I love you, but you are dumb. You are just figuring out then that you are not wanting no strings attached relationships. This is after you spent multiple days taking care of him while sick and again went to a school you never went to just to take care of baby (AKA SKY).

I love the lunch scene, because

They go to the same restaurant as Sky was taken to when Rain and Phayu confessed to dating.

Pai was totally jealous of his best friend for being able to eat there with Sky first. It's like dude, you can't be mad about that you weren't even thinking about Sky as anything more than great sex back then.

Sky is totally jealous of Natsu, but that is okay, she is, best girl who is just supporting her friend dating.

They draw wind on each other's hands. Pai claiming ownership and so is Sky just in different ways. I loved the line, "You only own yourself," I appreciate that Sky is not wanting Pai to think that owning somebody is always healthy. Especially from what we have seen from what Sky has been through in his past relationship. He wants somebody who loves him for him.

Sky seems to really want to let Pai in, but he is scared because of the past. Sky you can be reassured honey that Pai really care for you and wants the best for you. It's great to see the love shown in that scene where they talk about the siblings and how that Pai would love for Sky to meet all of them.

That almost kiss scene had the best line, "I will wait until you are ready." CONSENT IS SEXY PEOPLE!!

I knew he was doing a pro and con list, I felt so validated when they confirmed it. Also WOW Prapai has an awesome family he seems genuinely close to his siblings and parents which is great to see.

[irisesinyoureyes]

i went on a date this past weekend. i really liked them. we had a lot in common and it was going well. but halfway through, they asked me what i normally wouldn't tell someone on a first date. i said i've been in open relationships but don't want that anymore. i want monogamy. then, they told me they are dating someone.

that pit formed in my stomach. my muscles began shaking ever so slightly. my brain was replaying my last relationship's slow-motion 4 month ending over and over. ("i'm in love with her." "i'm taking advantage of you." "you have to get over this.")

and yet i stayed on the date. and we continued to talk for 2.5 more hours. i even messaged them with my number on bumble once i got home at 2am so we could continue getting to know each other. they haven't texted me.

i sometimes wonder what's wrong with me. why i stayed on that date when it was clearly incompatible. why i stayed in my past relationship long after it should have ended. why i continue to pursue people who cannot give me what i ultimately want and what i ultimately wish i thought i deserved. i must be uniquely broken, right? no, i don't think so. i think i'm scared of intimacy after my trust was slowly broken by my ex after a year of building (what i thought was) a good base.

and also i think i must recognize the emotional abuse/manipulation of my last relationship. i think it's telling that i couldn't get my ex to leave my house when i asked. how they would make me think i was the person who was wrong for even suggesting it in the first place. how their idea of our relationship boundaries kept shifting until i just decided to give them free reign to do whatever they wanted. how it was my fault (more specifically, my anxiety and inability to be care less) that our relationship was rocky. how i felt like i needed to let them have sex with me because if i didn't, they'd have sex with her. how i felt unable to tell them to stop when they pushed my sexual boundaries. how they even felt like they could do that in the first place.

idk what to call my ex. an abuser seems extreme. but maybe that's what they are. but my ex is also a good person. they bring joy and light into the world--i've seen it. yet they deeply hurt me. so, what does that all mean? maybe that abusers are just regular people who may have past experience of abuse and are coping in harmful, unhealthy, and potentially violent ways? but recognizing that makes it a whole lot scarier. if abusers are regular people, how am i ever safe?

i know i had a role to play in the mess of how our relationship ended. of course. yet i see myself as the "good guy" or "the victim." i want to believe it was all their fault. but i am so evidently codependent that i cannot hide it anymore. i want my partner to need me because i don't feel like anyone could ever really just want me. i know i need to heal this, but it seems too insurmountable of a task. i just want life to be easy for once.

but also, what if my ex was right? what if we are the same? what if i was just as manipulative? i did call them a "fucker" in our fight in the car one time. name-calling is abuse, right? and i was inconsistent about how much they should tell me about their coworker they were falling in love with. was i also abusive or is my questioning if i'm an abuser another vestige of their abuse of me?

i feel like i don't know what is healthy or unhealthy anymore. i look back and i see a cloud of confusion hanging over that relationship. why did it get so bad? how did it get so bad? why couldn't i have loved myself more? have i ever really loved myself at all?