#narcissistic abuse relationship

[ineffablyrandom]

My ex would punch walls or punch himself and scream crying everytime I would bring something up that upsets me or kapag may gusto lang akong pag usapan na bagay na ginawa niya na hindi ko gusto. I would talk to him gently not even starting an argument because I want a healthy communication but he would explode so I would be so scared kaya mananahimik na lang ako and ang ending I would be the one to say sorry because I brought something up. Kapag naman sumigaw ako para patigilin siya sa pag explode, pagsasalita ng kung ano ano or kapag nag explode na din ako or I reacted sa kung pano niya ko pagsalitaan ng masakit na salita ang sasabihin naman niya "see? Kaya ayoko makipag usap sayo ganyan ugali mo. Nag eeskandalo ka." He always say "lagi kang gumagawa ng issue puro emotion kase iniisip mo. Di ba pwedeng masaya lang" and for a long time I thought and really believed it was my fault why he always reacted that way. Na puro problema dinadala ko. Na masyado akong emotional. I'm the problem. Not knowing and realizing that he was being abusive to me.

There were times pa that I would be so ashamed of myself, I kept asking myself, how can I do something like that to someone? Why couldn't I just let it go? Bakit gumagawa ako lagi ng problema? Sinasabi niya din lagi sakin "nato-trauma na ko sayo." I feel bad when he tells me that. I can't believe na kaya kong mag inflict ng trauma sa isang tao so I would beat myself up for it. I don't want someone to be traumatized by me. Magso-sorry ako kase I brought something up. Magso-sorry ako kase di ko siya naiintidihan. We would come up with a solution sometimes, but really, feeling ko ako lang talaga ang mas nag compromise. Ako lang ang mas nag adjust.

I got so confused because I feel like I am a bad person but I know that I'm not, but why do I keep pushing the monster out of him. Why do I always bring out the worst in him? I was so sad because I always triggered him. One time sabi niya saken "ikaw lang nakakasagad saken ng ganito! Ang toxic mo!" Habang sinasapak niya yung harapan ng motor niya or yung sarili niya. But I don't want to be that way. So iniisip ko kung paano hindi ko siya matitrigger. Pero ang ending ako yung nade-drain. Naiinvalidate. Nagagaslight. Nama-manipulate.

I don't know how I became a different person when I was with him. I feel like a monster. Like sobrang sama ko. Na ang hirap hirap kong mahalin. One time I even jumped out of his motorcycle while moving because he was screaming at me, being so cruel sa words niya and telling me he was breaking up with me just because I called him out on being so mean to me, rude, and just belittling me by criticizing even the way I walk and the way I dressed. I don't even know why I did that. That time all I was thinking was to get away. I felt so bad after that. Because how can I put him in that position? I really became a different person with him, I wasn't even like the person I was with him when I was with my ex before him.

Now, I am not being a hypocrite, I am also not playing the victim. I know I have my flaws too sa relationship. There were times that I lose my temper too. There were times that I was being selfish too. I made mistakes. I am not perfect. I know in myself may pagkukulang din ako. I became toxic. He is not here to defend himself and tell his side of the story.

After we broke up I feel like a fog has been lifted and I can remember now all the things he put me through, all the things he said to me. I keep self reflecting now and nitpicking everything that's happened para malaman ko kung ano dapat baguhin sa sarili ko. Iniisip ko kung ano yung mga pangit kong ugali before, during and after the relationship na kailangan ko iaddress para ma-seperate ko kung ano yung particular time na it was really my fault. And also to help me din for my personal growth.

Right now these things are just running in my mind, and I keep asking myself if baka we bring out the worst in ourselves lang talaga and we are not really that compatible. But does that mean kailangan ko idisregard yung pagiging emotionally, verbally, and mentally abusive niya saken? What if napupuno lang talaga siya saken kapag pinipilit ko makipag usap ng maayos?

Diba sabi ng iba "You really have to love yourself first before coming into a relationship and not lower your standards and not tolerate something that you have a problem with. Because you are what you tolerate." But that's not the case all the time. Believe me or not, I went into a relationship with him ready, healed, loving myself, and knowing my standards. Somehow, some narcissistic person will come into your life and let you experience the worst relationship you ever had. Somehow, he managed to break me down little by little and I didn't even realize it. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I blame myself too much because how can I let someone break me to the point that I nearly don't recognize myself. Sometimes someone just really snuck the life and the light out of you. And it's scary now that I think about it, to encounter a person like that. You put faith and love and loyalty so much to that person only to break you apart.

[lostmf]

[selfhealingmoments]

[thevirgodoll]

the overwhelming, inescapable truth is that they know what they’re doing is hurting you. they’re literally choosing to do it anyway. people have common sense. don’t give them the benefit of the doubt anymore. they would never do it for you. they literally know their behavior isn’t something they’d condone themselves. respect is just the minimum… and they can’t even do that? let them be. that person will answer for what they are doing to you.

[loveyourlovelysoul]

You are worthy. You are deserving. You are important. Do not let someone else's behaviour or judgment weight so much on you, they don't know you and they simply cannot see your real worth cause you are shining much more than them and therefore they are trying to overshadow you. So keep shining bright, my star. Keep shining no matter what.

[spookietrex]

Daily reminder that no one belongs in your life if they can't respect your boundaries!

[roomwithavoid]

the haters aren’t gonna like this one but i’m right!

[narcsurvivor]

@ starparkdesigns on insta

[supaalek]

did you take pleasure from beating a submissive dog?

[narcissism-awareness]

A guide to NPD for anyone who doesn't understand it!

What is NPD?

NPD, or narcissistic personality disorder, is a mental illness in the cluster B personality disorder category.

NPD usually stems from childhood abuse or other unhealthy childhood situations. In my case, abuse.

What are the symptoms?

Symptoms of NPD include an unstable sense of self, prioritizing yourself, having unstable relationships, having low/no empathy, and depression/self hatred.

These can be improved upon, but disordered thoughts will likely remain for most.

Can pwNPD have healthy relationships?

Yes, with effort and work. Plenty can have healthy and successful relationships. (like me, for example, in a loving relationship with my boyfriend)

We have a to be a bit more aware of how we treat others, but it helps when both the person with NPD and the partner set boundaries with each other. With communication, we can be great partners.

And yes, we can feel love and care about our partner(s). Empathy ≠ love. Empathy ≠ compassion.

Why does the term "Narcissistic abuse" harm pwNPD?

Because of the name, anything said about "narcissists" is also associated with us, even if you weren't talking about NPD. If you were, that's just blatant ableism.

Many of also call ourselves narcissists either just as a descriptor or to reclaim it.

Other terms like emotional abuse, gaslighting, and plenty others describe the same thing without ableist roots. Please, speak out about your abuse, but avoid using ableist terms.

But my therapist/psychiatrist uses the term "narcissistic abuse," how can it be ableist?

Sadly, ableism isn't that uncommon from medical professionals. Plenty use terms like "narcissistic abuse" and other ableist terms.

Why not just advocate to change the name of NPD?

Even if the name changed, it would still be ableist. We have another cluster B disorder that got a name change that we can look to for example of what happens.

You used to be able to be clinically diagnosed as a "psychopath," which has since been changed to ASPD. However, people still use the terms "psychopath" and "sociopath" to refer to ASPD. All the stigma around those words still applies to them.

I imagine similar would happen if we changed the name of NPD. It wouldn't matter, we'd still be called narcissists. And the term would still be ableist because it would still hurt us.

[onthe-nocontact-road]

Day 0 of no contact.

Actually, it's not been what ? An hour.

I'll try and make it short.

My ex, since 2020. We broke up for a year in 2023-24. He had a whole other relationship. I stayed alone to heal. Starting trying again this spring.

Just to clarify, he cheated,lie,abused me mentally & emotionally. Swears and calls me names etc. it's fucken horrible.

But I can't stop.. I'm addicted. Obssesed.

It's so toxic its messing up my mental health. I gotta stop !!!! 😫😫

[litchiteany]

⭐️🌕⭐️⭐️🌕⭐️ ⭐️🌕⭐️

Twilight Dreams💤

✨🌙

In the stillness of night, as respite is due,

I slip into a world where dreams imbue.

Escaping a realm where our love’s torn asunder,

Into a land of mysteries, a peaceful slumber.

Dreadful is the light that pierces my dreams,

As dawn breaks, its harshness gleams.

But in the twilight hours, I hold tight,

To the fading whispers of a dream's flight

A universe of wonders, a sanctuary divine,

Where realities blur and fantasies entwine.

In enchanted moments, possibilities unfurl,

A dance of shadows and light's gentle twirl.

I cling to this refuge, my haven of peace,

Where time suspends and sorrows cease.

For in the realm where dreams hold sway,

I'll linger until the break of day.

JI

04-26-24

[ruminate88]

”The pain of realizing everything you felt and cared about was all a lie. You’ve been played and now you don’t know your own reality.”

[stacys-mom-has-got-it-goin-on]

When they've just traumatized you and then 2 seconds later they act like nothing ever happened and everything is rainbows and sunshine.

[ninepentz]

Some narcissists-

Are too easily offended by people either challenging their opinions, giving them back the same energy, any type of criticism whether it's good or bad.

For example I know a narcissist in my life who basically tries to be so intimidating all the time, argue, control everything and I noticed that whenever she's having a bad day she would take it out on me. I used to let it affect me deeply and take everything personal to where I started becoming just as bad as them. Arguing back and forth, physical/loud fights, calling each other names, being petty etc. Till I realized that is what's feeding their ego even more to see me basically taking their bait and engaging with them for some odd reason. Some narcissists get a kick out of you paying attention to them and proving them right. Bc what they do is twist your words and use your reactions to make themselves look better.

Overtime I learned that aggressively defending myself, constantly explaining my boundaries, even trying to talk things out, didn't help AT ALL. But what did work was not speaking with them, ignoring their negativity, being cordial/keeping my distance, which has done so much for my mental health. Now I let them do whatever the hell they do, it's none of my business anymore. The quieter I became, the more peaceful things got.

The thing about some narcissists is that if you offend them or mirror their behaviors back to them they get even more aggressive and defensive which brings out all their worst behaviors even more. And one thing you can never do is change the narcissist, they don't respect others unless they admire you, need something from you, and things like that. Nothing you do will make them change.

What helped me tho is just stop to responding and acknowledging them, simply agreeing to keep the peace and protecting my own energy. Idc what they say or do anymore bc I know it's just their own internal BS that they project onto everyone else.

Ever since then I haven't had not one issue regarding them that I used to deal with before, all I deal with now is my own personal issues and whatever goes on in my personal life. I'd rather have that than arguing in circles with a narcissist lol so I hope this helps anyone who's dealing with anything similar.

Stop engaging, be cordial, and don't take things personally. That's how you stay in your own lane and avoid getting poisoned by someone else's demons.

Thank you for reading 😊

✨️Nine of Pentacles✨️

[selfhealingmoments]