#i cant fucking handle being sober i hate it. i just hate it all its too much so im self medicating lmao

[autism-corner]

being gay =3=ppp

[vaingod]

im literally like the worst person to have a talk with in regards to drug use like im an enabler unfortunately cus i dont have a handle on my own shit, and having to still have that talk w some1 i care abt and trying so hard not to have the main thing im upset abt be that they asked us all to stay sober for the night and used themselves and got too fucked up and i was bored and sober all night watching them ditch us to get high w their new friends without offering us any!! Like its so hard man i hate telling ppl what to do and what to use its literally not my business and i cant impose moral value on it even if i tried cus im right there with them im just heartbroken being left behind and being lied to for no reason!!! we wouldve done anything w them if they just asked we stayed sober for them cus we were crashing at theirs and thats just polite idk idk i had to stay up all night cus half their new friends are creepy men looking to take advantage of drunk gay girls it was literally the worst having the growing feeling that the more i rejected these mens advances the more i was in danger in my friends own home and putting them all in danger for not excusing it i wish i couldve hit them wothout it ending catastrophically

[away-ward]

Hello, I was unsatisifed with a lot of background things happening in DN and the way PD wrote them, and here are the two main things i wanna share with you: pregnancies and worldbuilding (?).

Tbh, i was a bit sad, angry and pissed off with the way PD handled pregnancies in the DN series. For a series that's so "forward", "not following the crowd", and "make rules for themselves", these characters are all always so stuck in the past even when they shouldve already moved past THAT past. EVERY DAMN COUPLE had to have children, and somehow, outsiders' opinions of their relationships, even after getting together, still mattered a LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH. Understandable that some opinions could affect them because how could they not, no matter how much they wanna say they wanna do whatever they want, they still live in a society, and that society is the highly judgemental, political, and corrupted town, Thunder Bay. Considering that they still have feelings and could be affected by hate comments etc., they just cannot always act like it didnt affect them, like the way rika thought michael would leave her because she couldnt get pregnant and how that also relates to her "worth" as a woman, especially in a heavily judgemental society like TB, where even when a lot of them wre "progressive", a big part of the community were still holding up to traditional values of what women are, should be, should do etc. They're not living in some wonderland or some shit like that, ok fine, BUT what i dont understand is how these opinions wouldve affected them so much even after getting together for YEARS, and even worse, they just never really communicate about them, butthen they fight, fuck, and just got over it as if every thing is fine all over again. So whats the point of that dramatic infertility announcement in conclave then? Stupidity!

Every time we got something good for the characters' progression, PD always had to ruin it by regressing the progress of their characters, and worse, these characters don't even talk about what they want or expect from each other in their relationship. Not one, even KaiBanks, the seemingly "most mature" couple in thes series. The immaturity of these couple were on another level! This was one of the aspects of DN that unsatisfied me the most. I HATED how reductive PD made pregnancies and child planning look in DamonWinter's story. Like they have a litter of children, while being emotionally, mentally and financially irresponsible adult themselves, and ijust couldnt enjoy any kind of child-related things in this series honestly. Not even WillEmmy! Why cant we just have couple who take their times to get to know each, settle down everything first, then be fucking mature adults and plan their future together? This "reckless live to the fullest" sounds so bonkers, because it doesnt involve the horsemens and their wives anymore, theyre bringing their kinds, who are INNOCENTS (!) into this world and lifestyle without thinking about it further. The only person who had put a thought (even a little bit) towards this issue was Will and that says a lot because he wasnt even always sober before Nightfall! It was clear even when he wanted Emmy in his life, and his implied thought rpocess of taking revenge on her, that he couldnt just force her to live his lifestyle, or even bear his kids, because it's not just gonna be Willemmy anymore, it's now WillEmmy + their kids + their nephews and nieces + the others now. Everyone's live couldve been on danger and some innocent couldve suffered. Because of this, I feel like DamonWinter are just so immature and selfish as a couple and parents because its always about what THEY want, but not what the CHILD needed (before winter got pregnant), like they never really thought things through in a longer run, and feeling everything and having fun, is all they cared about at the moment. Damon never really thought about building skills and get a job like a mature responsible adult and partner until Winter reminded him, and im just so done! I love that that Damon's hater ask pointed out his incompetency because i so agree with them, and i think this is one of the aspect of his (and others') incompetency. They just think like children, and they do not have the maturity of a grown adult who has to work with others around them, it's insufferable! On the other hand, i also think thats why each of them were writter so diffrent yet similar with one another because they needed this balance. Not evryone has to be the same, as an individual, they had their weaknesses, but as a family, theyre perfect for each other.

As for my other own personal in depth unsatisfying feeling about the pregnancy aspect of this series, i just cannot stand to read rika's big ass meltdown about her infertility in conclave, and this does not come from a place of lack empathy about her situation, rather it's because of the way PD wrote it. In fact, i was FUCKING LIVID with the way PD was so quick to just label Rika as the one who was infertile, when there were no medical checkups done on Michael, as if the responsibility or for a lack of a better term, "fault" for infertilities all lies on the shoulder of the women-here, and it's Rika. Sure, her period cycle was fucked yada yada yada, but from the start, i always read it with an implication that it's rika who had to deal with all that pain and shame, and this is definitely a heavy blame on the writer because PD couldve literally balance it out with michael's possibility of being the one who was infertile instead, or made rika said something to michael about doing body checks or checkups as a married couple, but PD. NEVER. DID. God! This was why that whole infertile thing was so infuriating to me. Also, If PD already knew that rika was already handling with so much responsibilities with people around her, why on earth would they put more stress on rika's shoulder? Rika was in college (probably full time and on her last year, yeah), so she probably had a lot of things to prepare for, then she had the fane empire business to take care of, the mayor election campaign, being an NBA's star's partner making time in her pact schedule for michael (she's probably gonna have to be dealing with a lot of press not just for her main job, but also for this NBA thingy too), travelling from one place to another for college and business, oh and she's a fencer, works at the dojo, a local town campaigner, a sister who checks up on everyone etc. so why the hell would preganancy at the age of 22, mind you, would be so important when she already had so much on her plate, and she hasnt even reached her mid-twenties yet? It's FOMO, but the way PD wrote it made it felt so weird to me, and it shows rika's immaturity (understandably so) of dealing with sensitive issues that a lot of women around the world had to go through, instead of a woman who we could sympathise or empathise with for going through all of this at 22. And that's the thing, Rika was already dealing with a lot, didnt even really talk to michael because she was worried for his career (but she could talk to KAI OF ALL PEOPLE and damon? Huh?), and now PD just had to put some unnecesaary implied cheating drama and stupid plot about infertility here? For what? For the drama? The infertility conversation didnt get solved with sensitivity or further couple planning, it just went over their head, and suddenly, OF FUCKING COURSE RIKA HAD A MIRACLE BABY BEFORE SHE TURN 33, OMG SHOCKING!!! I'm so tired reading these books with suden pregnancy tropes, because a lot of authors just cant write this trope very well, so it always comes off immature, romanticised and insensitive to others. Some people dont even enjoy reading this trope for whatever reason that is, so this plotline just ruins their story further. I just can't stand the silly logistics of it all. Like Miss Girl, you're 22, sit down! Rika couldve used that time to built her skills to be a good aunt, a competent political debater, a businesswoman AND a politician so that she could be an amazing women figure in their family for herself and others, and then run the Fane empire and the mayor thing slowly so we can see her like Banks' short scene in nightfall's epilogues dealing with some political stuff, but noooo, it all just happen at once and we're supposed to but that? Like she doesnt even have the BASIC SKILLS to run a town, why dont PD start from there first? I think if she was given more trainings and drills, she can make a great politician in the future, but unfortunately, we never got to see that.

And that's the thing, even if rika IS the town's sweetheart, what kind of town, with the majority of people there being people with high profiles, political connections and corruptions, would just listen to this 22 year old girl preaching about "kindness" when all she did, was just being family to a bunch of similarly privileged new adult pranksters with a history of crimes and "not fitting in" with the rest of the crowd? Do they not understand how political agenda or advertising work? Thats not how politics and organised systems work! If i was a resident in Thunder Bay, rich as fuck i couldve bought almost anything in this world like (Gabriel Torrance), i would not even pay a single mind to rika or the horsemen, in fact, i would usurp her position and gang up with some other locals in town, just for fun, to piss the them off. Like What happens to voting systems? It just doesnt make sense. They treated the town's safety and mechanisms like it's a child's play and not some serious and dangerous political business that requires working with so many people from so many different industries so that a town could work fine. Every time rika opened her mouth to talk to her workers or people in conclave, i swear i throwed up a bit in my mouth because of how cringy it was. That Ninja comment by Damon was even cringier. If PD wanted to convince us with this IT Thunder Bay couple of the successful Michael, the NBA player and the own sweetheart Rika, the TB Mayor + business owners couple bullshit, they gotta make it make sense you know. I GAGGED when they threw that engagement party in kill switch, then damon dissed them thinking "what the fuck is this all" because that was the first time ever that i agreed with damon lmao! It's really not on rika at this point, i noticed, PD was just always shit at writing logistics, because they're a very idealist writer. As long their idea works, nothing else matter and that's why, all these important logistics seem to fly out the window in their every. damn. book. in this series. And somehow they always got their redemption arcs and turned out to be Mary Sues and Gary Stus by PD, even Damon! Oh, please! Anyway, I just know by now that if i wanna enjoy PD's books (aside from birthday girl), i gotta turn off my thinking hat so that it wouldnt ruin my fun of reading their books. (Don't even get me started with Alex's jobs because aside from MichaelRika, Alex's was the most unbelievable among them all, but one thing i liked about her story was that she was childless, like YESSS GIVE US SOME RICH SUCCESSFUL AUNT CHARACTERS yk). PD did a great job at the fall away series, the hellbent series, and birthday girl's worldbuildings though, so maybe they should just stick to writing about middle class suburban characters who just mind their own business, and not high profile people who's about to rule the world.

What do you think about this? Or have this part of DN series never really interest you much?

Hellllloooo! I’m laughing because you said “background things” so I was expecting things that happened in the background plots but then you listed worldbuilding, which to me is pretty significant. I don’t know why, but that got a chuckle.

I mean, to start with, I think I agree with you on most of your points. For me personally, this is not a series that’s meant to be dissected and analyzed to the degree at which we’re doing it. Once you start pulling at strings, it all comes crashing down. Our MCs are all “morally gray” but for the “right reasons”. They always get what they want and always come out on top. When I go into their world, I try to turn off my head and just have fun. I find that’s when I enjoy it the most.

But yeah. I’ve thought out it in terms of “what in the world is this. This wouldn’t work.” and I've ranted about it plenty too.

Re: the pregnancy the issues you brought up - I also didn’t like that everyone had kids at the end. I didn’t take issue with the lack of planning, but that could just be me. I also didn’t mind that none of them chose to remain childless. I feel that most people grow up knowing they’re going to be parents, or at least get to that point in early adulthood. It’s not so much a question of if, but more of when and who with? And I think the latter is the most important question to answer. I’m happier knowing that these people had already committed to each other before having children.

I was upset because CC introduced the idea that Rika and Michael couldn’t have children of their own. I was intrigued with the idea that this couple, the first couple we followed, wasn’t going to get everything they wanted. So much as worked out for them, but this big thing…that’s being withheld? I was intrigued with where this was going to go. I would have been super happy if M&R had committed to the idea of being childless and focused on other aspects of their very full lives (as you brought out) and then Aaron came along. I would have even been happy if, after Rika voiced her concern, Michael calmed the situation down and reassured her in some way. His immediate reaction seemed to confirm the reasons why she didn’t tell him in the first place, not to mention his reaction to her confiding in Kai (are you not all family? Doesn’t she get to have as strong a bond with him, as with any of the others? Why does he get all your suspicion? It’s hardly fair.). But if he said he didn’t care about any of that, he just wanted her and their lives, whatever came at them without going to the other extreme first, then I could have dealt with them adopting. I didn’t like how Athos came into their lives though; just so perfectly plopped into their laps.

Basically, I wanted to see Rika and Michael struggle. Or know that they struggled and got through it together, before getting everything they wanted. But it was all handed to them and that made me mad. It also upset me that it felt like the message was “a child will fix a marriage” or “children are needed for a happy family”. There didn’t seem to be any creative thought for what a family could look like.

I personally didn’t have a problem with Damon having a big family. Honestly, that makes the most sense to me. Though at the end, with Emmy, it did feel like a rush to fit all of the couples having at least one child, but then that also kind of makes sense. Will was 27 by the time Indie was born. He’s not a young parent by any means, and all his friends already had children. If he wanted his kids to grow up with them, then he didn’t have time to wait. I also think when you consider the age gaps with Kai and Banks kid’s (11 and 5) and Will and Emmy’s kids (9, 5, and a mystery but still young), then they probably did some planning. And they probably didn’t have to do as much planning as you’d think. They’re financially secure and own their company. Money isn’t an issue for them. They live in a small town and their kids will go to private school, so picking a good neighborhood isn’t necessary. They live around extended family and have hired help, so who’s going to watch the kids in case of an emergency is settled. The only thing they’d really have to think about is raising children, knowing the kind of enemies they’re going to have, but there’s always risks to anything involving children, so it’s either do or don’t. What I liked was that they were committed to being parents. It didn’t just happen and now they have a kid they didn’t want or an unexpected, unhappy accident. That would have been sad.

I mean, I agree that they should have thought it through before becoming parents – it seemed for the narrative that Banks and Winter were sort of…surprised to be pregnant? Like they didn’t think it could happen or was going to? (And wasn’t Winter also on birth control when she became pregnant with their second? Or am I making things up again??) But who knows, maybe they did discuss it and we didn’t get that part of the story.

None of the guys thought about getting jobs; privilege gives you that kind of freedom. Michael only wanted to be a pro-athlete. The others didn’t even know what they wanted to go to school for. Kai figured it out in prison when he had no choice, Damon thought he was going to inherit his father’s empire, and Will probably thought he was going to work for his grandfather in some capacity. Or travel until he couldn’t anymore. All of them were immature.

I thought Rika said she went to the doctors, but I could be wrong. Not picking up CC for that. Anyway, I didn’t pick up on Rika accepting the blame of infertility. I think society places a lot of responsibility on the woman to bear children, so it didn’t strike me as odd that she would assume she was the problem. This is probably something a lot of women go through and might have felt relatable to some readers. And I have no desire to be a parent, so the level at which she was distraught over telling Michael didn’t hit with me, but I assume for someone who does want to be a parent, Rika’s reaction and handling of the situation might also be relatable. No idea. And when people are so wrapped up in their emotions, their reactions to things aren’t always right. I just know how I would have liked the situation to be responded to when emotions calm down, and I didn’t get that. So ...

Rika and Michael’s communication and trust issues, especially around Kai, are one of the issues I brought out in another ask. They really need to get those sorted out; it was getting ridiculous.

Overall, the first time I read CC, I got the impression that the infertility issues might have been something PD brought in from their real-life experiences. Maybe not them personally, but someone they knew, served as the inspiration (But that is just a guess and I have no way of knowing. I could be completely off). And then at the end, they wanted Rika to have a child, so we got Athos. Later, it all works out for them and Rika gets to experience pregnancy, so we get Aaron.

It’s one of those things that yeah… it can happen in real life. But should it happen in this story? Does it add or take away something? I felt this plot point took away something from the story.

As far as Rika becoming mayor, this point had me scratching my head and laughing because yeah…she was still in college, or recently graduated, and she has all those other responsibilities on her plate. I mean, I don’t really care about her age. I’d look to Parks and Recreation, because wasn’t Ben mayor of his town at like…18 or somethin? But then he was bad at it because of inexperience. So yeah, Rika becoming mayor and then being good at it felt like overkill, for reasons you said: other members of community, more mature and experienced members, would be going that position of power, and also, she would be inexperienced in that sort of leadership role.

Which is why I always assumed she got the position through intimidation. Specifically through the Torrance’s name. Say what you’d like about Damon, I wouldn’t want him breaking into my house to “earn” my vote for Ms Fane. And let’s not get started on Bank’s taking control of Gabriel’s empire. Banks and Damon totally got anyone who challenged Rika to back down, and then pushed her into position so that they could all control the town and do what they wanted.

So Rika standing there and gaslighting herself “we’re not really criminals” is hilarious to me. Yes. Yes, you are. You are a criminal. You will be a corrupt mayor. Just because it’s “for the good of the town” and not just yourself doesn’t mean what you’re doing isn’t shady and corrupt. But sure, keep lying to yourself.

I don’t remember the Ninja comment but I’m sure it was cringe and I’m choosing to forget it.

But like I said, this series was just supposed to be fun. We’re not meant to think deeply and make sense of it. Just turn off your brain and enjoy the ride. Anything more than that, and starts to fall apart.

[madeintimeland]

everything passes and impermanence is one of my greatest fears i cant seem to appreciate the moment enough but i still look back on good times and appreciate they happened and feel some shred of the same joy i did so why the fuck am i even worrying about any of it all when i am the sole proprietor of meaning in my life and no matter how deeply these thoughts take root i still find joy and want to do things i enjoy. the only true meaningless thing is the baseless thoughts my brain conjectures up. and i will say all of this but not take any of it to heart some part of me feels like its words in a debate and not a true ideological belief or something i have to act upon to make my life better and incorporate purpose and intent to my actions. my deepest core being feels impermeable but theres no knot that cant be untied or at least cut out and discarded. from this end it's so calcified it feels like the most solid immovable stone but perhaps it's just so crusted over from a lack of maintenance i cant even tell what's within. i dont even know what im talking about anymore. im dead sober btw that's the worst part i still feel scared to smoke weed again because if i did these thoughts would be ten times harder to fight off and not succumb to. wish i could acclimate myself to it like i did last time weed brought upon derealization existentialism etc but perhaps it's just not time yet. yet the desire remains. and look at that. desire. a fuel for meaning and purpose. it means something and i argue directly at it that it doesn't exist. so what is it all for except to torture my own undeserving self when i will never deserve anything until i discard the idea that i dont. it's all perspective and even the worst most corrupt evil people in the world find a way to believe they're in the right but i have the grace of being emotionally aware of other people enough that i know i want to act in a manner that upholds peace and goodness and maybe my own logic justifying my desire to be alive is in a way more valid than a violent bigot's. i have to hold a sense of validity to myself or else this argument falls apart because i will keep digging into why each person's individual perspective on things cant be argued against because inside of each person's mind is their own reasoning and beliefs and in this random twisted universe theres barely any universal truth. public opinion and consistent belief from multiple people is something i hold onto because it speaks that the aberrations in those beliefs are perhaps not "right" and even regardless i have my own free will to decide for myself and even more so affiliate with people who feel the same way and avoid those who dont. which holds true for anything i mean ideology interests personality etc whatever that's life you surround yourself with others you agree with. i want to be developed enough to try and hear others out to further develop those beliefs for myself and i think that places me in a higher moral position than others who hate senselessly and act without consideration towards others and i cant handle the idea that believing myself to be more moral than others is wrong It has to be or I'm gonna go fucking insane right here right now

[pizzapizzadickz]

I wanted to be sober for my mom's birthday tomorrow. So rather than getting high I got drunk! Smart choice!!!

[woogyu]

Funny Drabble Game

Drabble Prompts; fluff | angst | funny (when requesting PLEASE add which prompt list it is from)

Can have up to 3 prompts per request + can send multiple requests.

They will all be written for fem reader. I’m very sorry about this, it is just because of what I know/have experience in writing.

Please format requests as follows; funny member prompt # or #s.

ex. funny member #12 + #15

ex. funny florist!member x student!reader #14

Send your requests/asks: here

~ prompts under the cut ~

crossed out = don’t request, usually for when I’ve gotten tired of a specific prompt coming up too often or I don’t like it

Drabble Prompts [credit; https://justforshitsandcackles.tumblr.com ]

“You’re such a fun drunk.”

“Since my dog likes you then i guess i like you.”

“Tell them to fuck off.”

“It’s six o’clock in the morning, you’re not having vodka.”

“I want to strangle you 99% of the time.”

“Could you not suck for five minutes?”

“The ladies love a guy who’s good with kids.”

“You can’t banish me! This is my bed/bedroom too!”

“You’re seriously like a man-child.”

“Well thats tragic.”

“I’m too sober for this.”

“You are actually insane!”

“I think you’re actually satan.”

“It’s like -50 degrees in here.”

“Laugh at my jokes! They’re funny and you know it!”

“Sorry isn’t going to help when i kick your ass!”

“Don’t let one of them electrocute themselves or something.”

“Welcome back. Now fucking help me.”

“Do you find this amusing, fuck face?”

“Holy shit! That thing is huge!”

“Don’t kink shame me.”

“I hope i’m never stuck with you on a deserted island.”

“I just cleaned that!”

“Don’t get sassy with me!”

“What do you have behind your back?”

“If you interrupt me one more time, so help me god.”

“Not to toot my own horn or anything, but the dog loves me more.”

“I’m going to put on some clothes before you say anything else.”

“Bite me.” “If you insist.”

“Im not going to stop poking you until you give me some attention.”

“I need you to be my fake girlfriend/boyfriend.”

“Can you stop playing connect the dots with my freckles?”

“You snuck into my room, at 4am..to cuddle?”

“If we get caught i’m blaming you.”

“What? No! I wasn’t staring..i-i was looking at something behind you!”

“I locked the keys in the car.”

“This is why we can’t have nice things.”

“Wait a minute. Are you jealous?”

“Define normal.”

“Do i get bonus points if i act like i care?”

“Just remember if we get caught, you’re deaf and i don’t speak english.”

“Don’t look for any redeeming qualities. I don’t have any.”

“And you wonder why you’re single.”

“Remind me to kill you. Please.”

“I’m listening to you. I’m just not paying attention.”

“She’s crazy. and just when you think you’ve reached the bottom of her craziness, theres a crazy underground garage.”

“Sorry. I don’t speak skank.”

“My middle finger salutes you.”

“I don’t think i could ever stab someone. I mean, lets be honest, i can barely get the straw in the capri sun.”

“I don’t have enough middle fingers to let you know how i feel.”

“Somebodys cranky.” “Somebody needs to shut up.”

“All due respect but thats a bunch of crap.”

“I am one of the few people in the world who can murder you and leave no forensic evidence behind.”

“Excuse me. I have to go make a scene.”

“What did i tell you about calling him/her the devil?” “That it’s offensive to the devil?”

“I heard that!” “You were supposed to!”

“I’m not weird. I’m limited edition.”

“If history repeats itself, i am so getting a dinosaur.”

“You seem somewhat familiar. have i threatened you before?”

“Even when we were kids, i always kicked your ass!”

“Sarcasm is the body’s natural reaction to stupidity.”

“Don’t look in her eyes, she might steal your soul.”

“She’s hot, but she’s evil.”

“Do i regret it? Yes. Would i do it again? Probably.”

“You’re going to burn in a very special level in hell. A level they reserve for child molesters, animal abusers, and people who talk at the theater.”

“I’m not a damsel in distress. i’m a damsel doing damage.”

“Sometimes i question my sanity. Occasionally it replies.”

“Why should we date?” “Because we’re attracted to each other.” “I am attracted to pie, but i do not feel the need to date pie.”

“Why does everyone assume the worst of me.” “It saves time.”

“You’ve successfully cured him/her of anything interesting about his/her personality.”

“Neither one of us is drunk enough for this conversation.”

“Wow somebody needs a happy meal.”

“I didn’t do it!” “Then why are you laughing?” “Because whoever did it is a freaking genius.”

“Idiots. I’m surrounded by idiots.”

“You couldn’t handle me even if i came with instructions.”

“Obviously you have mistaken me for somebody who gives a shit.”

“I’m so glad you could come.” “Cut the crap. give me a drink.”

“Where have you been all my life?” “Hiding from you.”

“I can tell that you think what you’re saying is funny, but…no.”

“If you pull out my earphones, i will pull out your lungs.”

“Ah, he’s playing hard-to-get. thats cute.”

“I feel like a freakin’ soccer mom.”

“My ex? Yeah id still hit that. Except this time it would be with a car or a baseball bat.”

“Such big evil in such a little thing.”

“For the love of fuck.” “Yep, thats me. i love to fuck.”

“Are you ready to go?” “Yeah. let me grab my machete.” “We’re going to sephora. no machetes needed.”

Clears throat seriously, “Yas bitch.”

“No road trip is complete without the snacks. So go in there and buy everything you can fit in a tiny cart.”

“I’m all for making you miserable by being insufferable, but unfortunately i have things to do today.”

“Come on, you can help me make conspiracy theories. If you make an especially good one, ill pay for dinner.”

“You know what? Why not? I haven’t ruined my life yet this week. Lets go.”

“Do these dark circles under my eyes say nothing to you about how i am doing?”

“If i didn’t know you better, id say you were trying to flirt by giving me books.”

“What are you talking about? Im hilarious!”

“Duct tape? Duct tape is not going to fix this!”

“What did you think? That you were going to fight him?”

“You’re blocking the view.” “I am the view.”

“Why are you on the floor?” “Tying my shoe.” “You’re wearing rain-boots.”

“Cant stop me from slaying!”

“Close your eyes and imagine it, all the dogs in the world.”

“Be careful, he’s so sweet you might get diabetes.”

“Would you reconsider if i was sober?”

“Stop running i’m wearing flip flops!”

“Why are you holding your boobs?”

“I wouldn’t call it stalking, more like far distance admiring.”

“You need to stop making her laugh! you’re ruining her makeup!”

“I’m sure i can get some kind of sexual gratification from just staring at him if i try hard enough.”

“I’m not sure if its a sexual thing or not.”

“I’m either in the mood for french fries or to rip someone’s head off. Hmmm. decisions, decisions.”

“If you’re not out of the shower in the next five minutes, i’m going to cut your fucking hair off to make your life quicker.”

“No, i will not dress up as a chicken.”

“I never told my extended family that we broke up, and now they want to know when you’re coming over for dinner again.”

“I need a date to my relatives wedding, and i’ve already asked literally everyone else i know, so i know you probably hate me, but please say yes. Otherwise they’ll try to set me up with someone, and they have awful taste.”

“One more sound and i swear to-”

“Sometimes when (name) texts me, i just pretend they didn’t so i don’t have to respond.”

“You gave our pigeon boyfriend the wrong beans!”

“If i’m like 50 and still single, ill marry you because tax benefits.”

“Please, never have children.”

“I know its like 11pm, but i’m on my way to your house with nacho fries.”

“Sometimes i wish i was gay so i wouldn’t have to deal with all these dumbass boys.

“You know, would’ve been nice if you told me your whole ass family was coming to this dinner! I look like a troll.”

“Im going to the party to pet the dog, no thanks drugs.”

“I hope in college i get some excuse to deck him. Maybe with a bottle or something, ill wing it and be like “oops, sorry shithead, my hand slipped.”

“What is this shit…i’m just trying to graduate.”

“Ooo, i sense attitude in your tone.”

“Guess who only got two hours of sleep? Me, lol, i’m gonna die.“

“I’m gonna strangle you.” “Is that a threat or a promise?”

“Superheroes aren’t allowed in my house, especially after they’ve destroyed my living room. go away.”

“oh you’re coming. even if i have to drag you through the snow in your pajamas.”

“i swear you’re gonna end up getting like botox in your tits or something.” “well i mean-” “whAT DO YOU MEAN?!”

[mieczyhale]

mace im sorry i don't have coherent thoughts but i'm so just like,,, what was klaus this season. what was ben. the cult was pointless to klaus' character. the things that matter to klaus' character were ignored. the dave stuff was a lot of nothing. i felt like the possession thing shouldve been huge for ben and klaus' relationship but we're supposed to think klaus feeling violated is funny and inconsequential? ben going to the light was just shoved in at the end? i just---what???? who??

i’m on the same page as you, anony, especially in coherency lmfao

klaus this season was.. not totally bad, but i think most of that can be put on robert for his acting and how well he knows his own character bc the writers clearly didn’t know what was up (or maybe they did and playing him off this season as comedic relief, having him tossed to the side and mistreated, is going to play into s3 somehow. idk. i’m not writing off any possibility because overall the writers have done really really well with everything else so in my soul i feel like there has to be a reason they did what they did to him this season yknow??) for all the jokes they had him making and stuff, i think robert definitely played klaus the way we as fans know him - suffering constantly but unwilling to let anyone actually see that and if they do he’s gonna make it sound like a joke. he’s not gonna act serious because that leads to pain and he’s had more than enough of that. HOWEVER. i am genuinely so so pissed that he didn’t get to fight or really use his powers this season. and the part before ben sacrifices himself where klaus finally got up the courage to try and help, the fact that he didn’t succeed - that it wasn’t klaus who saved the day - is just... sldflksd GOD I HATE IT. oh and the scene towards the end where everyone gets shot and the one remaining swede kills the handler?? THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN KLAUS. he should have come back to life as he does, as is PART OF HIS POWERS, grabbed a gun that he knows how to use well - thank you vietnam - and he should have shot the bitch. but no. we didn’t even get that. vanya got klaus’s levitation and diego got klaus’s telekinesis and klaus got ??? a cowboy hat. which i mean looks good on him and he deserves it but it doesnt make up for *gestures at everything* and tbh even that was tainted because one of the siblings says “50$ if we leave him here” when klaus runs to grab the hat. seriously??!! SERIOUSLY??! it’s not funny, it’s just more of people not caring about klaus and thinking abandoning him is a fun joke to make ANYWAY. onto things you actually mentioned sdlkdsjf;ls i think the cult wasn’t pointless to his character necessarily, i think it did provide something, but it wasn’t used to its fullest extent. we got little things like klaus talking about it making him claustrophobic and making him feel like his skin is on fire, and his followers become something he cant escape even though he desperately wants too - it’s like having the ghosts all over again except he’s sober and these are live people who can touch him. but the show never actually out loud makes that comparison when they should have. i think it would have helped the cult thing seem less random. as for the dave thing.. i don’t think it was a lot of ‘nothing’ but again i think they could have definitely done more with it. it lets klaus see dave again, in a way, and it shows us more about both of them and the relationship they had. we learn more about dave, who he is, the kind of people he had around him and the environment he grew up in. it shows us that klaus and dave talked about all kinds of things, nothing was too mundane or unimportant. it shows us that three years after dave’s death klaus is still grieving and is still 100% in love. and it shows us that klaus isn’t always as selfish as people assume right alongside another hit to the face (oof unintentional wording) of just how much he loved dave. he wanted to save dave’s life so badly he made a fool of himself, put up with homophobia, took a hit to the face, and still kept trying to stop him from enlisting even though, per the last timeline, it would mean they’d never meet. klaus is willing to have dave never know him, is willing to handle that pain and heartbreak pretty much forever, as long as dave lives. my heart literally cannot handle it the possession thing. i haven’t stopped being angry and uncomfortable and disgusted by it since i saw it like 2 days ago now. that plot the writers really fucked up on it was a big thing for their relationship but not in any way that lead to growth or understanding or power control or ANYTHING. i love ben but i have so many fucking problems with him after watching s2 that i almost wanna take my love back tbh. the writers tried to make it seem like what ben was doing was okay - because he was angry and frustrated with klaus, because klaus wasn’t doing what he wanted, because klaus couldn’t stay sober, etc. like any of that makes possessing someone without their consent okay... or threatening to possess someone the moment their guard is down (leaving klaus paranoid and afraid to sleep).. or getting permission to possess someone and then refusing to leave (and its double garbage when diego encourages ben to continue possessing klaus. diego’s reason was gross and even if he hadnt given a reason he was still encouraging ben to not give klaus’s body back to him. which like.. im sure klaus can see and hear what’s going on. so he now is aware that his brother would rather have ben-wearing-klaus than actual klaus. the amount that would fucking hurt. a nyway) klaus never really got to talk about how it made him feel, not in any situation where anyone was listening. he never got to go off on ben for what he did, and what he was about to do, even though he had every right to. ben kind of knew how klaus felt about it but he showed very clearly that he didnt care. ben just did not fucking care about klaus this season. and it wasnt a ‘tough love’ thing like they tried to do in s1. it was just horrible and it hurt to watch. and i feel like s2 ben wouldnt have apologized to klaus even if he had been seriously confronted. we now know that klaus has this power. and we know that it can easily be abused by someone else. and i feel like that could tie into his ability to make the ghosts corporeal and such. it could definitely work as an interesting lead into exploring more of his many powers. and it could have worked as a way to bring ben and klaus closer without anyone getting hurt or violated. but.. for s2.. it wasnt used that way. it was used as a way to degrade and humiliate klaus. and they clearly wanted us to find it funny. it was one of the least funny things to happen all season. actually probably THE least funny thing. right along with nobody giving a shit when they thought klaus was having a seizure or OD-ing (both during their meeting with reginald and in the alley when they were supposed to meet up to use the briefcase five got from the handler), AND OF COURSE  nobody taking klaus seriously, paying attention to him, or caring about him (except for allison at some points) and ben finally going into the light at the end..  was kind of shoved in?? but i think what made it feel that way, for me at least, wasn’t so much the placement or timing of it but that it wasn’t really acknowledged afterwards?? it just.. happened, and we were all heartbroken, and on screen... nothing. it felt like a very sudden end to his storyline and yeah they could have done a little more to make it feel like a natural end for him thanks for the ask and sharing your thoughts on s2 with me~!! <3

[queernuck]

hi mom do u think like. its ok for someone to do drugs and have no desire to quit? like i feel like i can control myself and i rly feel helped out by a lot of substances and i feel rly shit without them and idk like, I guess that makes me an addict but idrc and i just want people to focus on like caring abt me as the person i am now rather than caring abt me as the ~person i could be sober~.

well damn that makes two of us and if you think its okay i sure as fuck do

that part at the end is definitely relatable specifically because of how it involves marking a clear division between “sober you” as an idea and where you are now, what you are doing, looking at you in a way that makes it such that they can preclude themselves from actually quite caring.

the only addicts people really like are either clean or dead and if you cant be the former a lot of people are more than happy with the latter so they can pull you out like a fuckin Yu-Gi-Oh card in front of friends and family and talk about how much they tried and how tragic things are when they were part of what put you there.

maybe you can control yourself, maybe you have trouble with that. both are more than possible because like, the two can coexist. sometimes you can keep it in, sometimes you just cant. sometimes you can save a bag or two for tomorrow, sometimes youre scraping every last stamp from the bun to get the last few lines and crashing until your body forces you back awake and you decide to score again or you eat enough xanax to be near-comatose for about 12-15 hours.

a lot of substances have side effects that add up over time, but the thing is that a lot of them dont seem to really be all that bad when you consider that you can end up with similar shit from daily life, from accident and chance, from other habits that are widely accepted, from things that you try to replace drugs with, from substances that are legal or being used as directed. benzos fuck up your brain a lot but like, i am not planning on stopping using them anytime even remotely soon, maybe ever, because like, between the daily dosage of clonazepam and the intense relief of Xanax (along with the soothing near-sub-threshold stirrings of almost tasteless tablets of Ativan) I cant pass that up

and i like opiates, i like heroin. its good, theres a reason that since trying it the comparison “its like heroin” is one i think is kinda embarrassing to use because most things that arent really good opiates just are nothing like heroin. and while i joke about it a lot, from one wikipedia citation, the idea of oxycodone as an antidepressant works for me like...yeah, i would be less depressed if i got to take oxy daily, now that you mention the idea

you probably have plenty of things you like to do alongside taking drugs. listening to music, reading, watching films or anime or reality tv or writing or whatever it may be, you try to live and you are doing what you can. you probably have a job if you can sometimes manage to afford substances. and even if you dont, even if youre just trying to keep yourself alive, thats okay too. the thing is that like, so much of drug use is making up for what you dont get, what you cant get, elsewhere. like, the notion of marijuana being not a drug, but rather medicine, is a kind of act of obfuscation: it can function as both, can be both at once even. cocaine or meth to offset ADHD is self-medication but operates on a principle of enhancing focus or giving energy that matches the buzzing going on inside, deterritorializing one’s body such that it can be directed in however many ways at once. Lean is medicine that gets sold secondhand for more than top-shelf champagne may at times, and in general the joking way people look at opiate-based cough syrups is missing that it really is one of the best ways to beat a cough: if you just cant stop coughing, slow your CNS down some, youll feel at least somewhat better, throw in some promethazine to fix the rest of it.

you always should feel like people should be allowed, expected to care about where you are, whether or not you want to be there. not wanting to be sober, hating being sober, makes sense because sometimes being sober fucking sucks. sometimes you just cant handle shit sober, and people even recognize that at times. but when it comes to living, the idea that polydrug use might represent a viable approach to dealing with a wide range of potential experiences, an attempt at compensating for failures under capital as well as the more personal experience of the phenomenological, of trying to navigate trauma, of trying to work through a process of living, of being, it is rejected. it sucks.

so like, I more than think it’s okay, it’s where I want to be. 

damn, i hate being sober.

[freakingfangirlingforever-blog]

You Didnt Notice

Dean x Reader

Summary: Y/n fights with Dean about being an alcoholic. In the moment he argues with you but after he changes his ways because he secretly loves you too much not to and you never notice.

Warnings: language and alcohol

A/n: Hi I was bored and thought of this. I dont really know what it is. Its kinda all over the place and I just firgured it out as I went along so its a little wierd. Its not too long tho so enjoy.

~

You grabbed the beer bottle out of his hands before he had a chance to open it. He was so drunk he didnt notice until you put it back in the fridge.

"Hey! What the hell was that for?!" He yelled at you.\

"You need to stop Dean."

"Stop what?!" His words slurred.

"This." You gestured to the dozens of empty beer bottles on the table in front of him.

"I can drink if I want its a free country!"

You began to yell back at him. "Not like this you cant!"

He chuckled. "Watch me." He pulled out a can from the six pack you hadnt noticed under his chair. He opened it and started chugging. You walked over and ripped it out of his hands, beer spilling every where. He stood up defensively. "What the hell?!"

"Dean your going to kill yourself drinking like this!"

"So what?! Im going to die eventually, hell, Ive died before what does it matter if I die like this?!"

"It matters to me Dean! Dont you understand that people care about you and dont enjoy watching you doing this to yourself?!"

"Sometimes the job is hard and I need to drink it off so sue me!"

"Yeah I know Im a hunter too. Every once and a while this is okay but you do this to yourself almost every night!"

"Fuck you!" He grabbed another can.

"Fine go ahead and kill yourself but if you dont change your habits your going to die Dean and nobody is gonna go down to Hell and save your ass again. Not Cas. Not me. Not Sam. Nobody. Because you brought this upon yourself and there wont be any coming back once its to late!"

Deans responded by flipping you off but you didnt care. You grabbed you coat and stormed out the door. You didnt know where you were going but it had to be away from there.

~Deans Pov~

Once the door slammed behind her I stopped drinking and threw the can against the wall. I was extremely wasted but was sober enough to know that Y/n was right. Dont get wrong I love alcohol but if it turns Y/n away Im willing to part with it.

I picked up my phone and called the only person I could call. "Sammy I need help."

"With what? A job?"

"No with drinking." Saying it made me feel weak. I hated it but it was for Y/n.

"Really, wait, I bet Y/n got to you didnt she?"

"Shut up, now are you gonna help me or not?"

"Yeah Ill be there in a minute."

~

It was nearly twelve when Sam arrived.

"What took you so long?!"

"I was tying up loose ends with the vampire case. How do you want me to help?"

"I dont know make sure I dont drink." I said sarcastically.

"Well lets start with getting rid of all of this then." He got a trash bag and filled it with anything that could pass as alcohol.

~

Weeks have passed since that night. I havent touched a drop of alocohol and it sucks. Sure I feel more awake. Sure I dont have to deal with hangovers. But its not being drunk. Today was week eight. Eight weeks sober. Man Y/n is going to be stoked.

~Y/n Pov~

Today You and Dean were doing a job. Nothing too serious just your run of the mill salt and burn. You walked out of my motel room that morning to find Dean already in Baby. He had sunglasses on and looked too tired for a job.

"Sun too bright for your hang over?" You said as ou hopped in.

"Nope its just sunny." He probably just didnt want to admit it.

~

The job was over before you knew it. Salt and burns were getting too easy to be fun anymore.

"You ready to get back?" He asked making small talk on the ride to the motel.

"Uh yeah. I just want to lay down watch tv and eat pizza." you liked your lips at the thought of food.

"Yeah when I get back to the motel im gonna get a nice cold beer." He laughed to himself like it was a joke.

"You think this is funny?!" You screamed at him. He nearly swerved of the rode to your reaction.

"What are you talking about?"

"I cant handle this any more! I cant watch you throw your life away!"

"Y/n, Im.."

You interrupted him. "Youre what?! Sorry?! No, sorrys not going to cut it anymore!"

"No I was going to say..."

"Dean Ive tried countless times to get you to stop drinking but no! You have to have your precious alcohol!"

"Y/n listen."

"No you listen if your not going to stop drinking then im leaving! Im going solo! I cant watch you kill yourself anymore! I tried to help you but you wouldnt change si guess what now Im gone! When we get to the motel im oacking my things and leaving. And try to lose my number too will you. Im doone helping you and if you die drinking well then boo hoo you deserve it!" Dean shut up quick after you said that. He wasnt expecting that this is how the car ride back would turn out. He honestly didnt know you didnt know he was sober. How could you not notice. Its not like you soent everyday with him and its not like he and Sam tried to keep it a secret. AND FOR GODS SAKE ITS BEEN EIGHT FUCKING WEEKS. How could you not notice he hasnt had a drink for eight fucking weeks.

~

Once you arrived both of you got out of baby as fast as you could and stormed to your rooms.

Dean burst through the door and went imediatly to the mini fridge. Sam was at the table on his computer. he looked up and notice Dean had a beer in his hands.

"Dean what the hell are you doing?!"

Dean downed have the bottled without a breath. "Screw you."

Sam ran over and tried to take the bottle. "Dean your eight weeks sober. Dont throw it away now."

"Too late." He gulped down the rest of it and grabbed another one.

"Whats gotten into you this morning you said you didnt even crave it anymore now you drinking it like you never stopped."

"I said a stupid joke and now Y/ns leaving." He said inbetween gulps.

"What?"

"I love her Sam I cant let her go." He was already on his third beer.

"Then what are you doing here then go tell her that and maybe she wont go."

Dean was already out the door before Sam finished.

~

You were almost done pacing your things when Dean burst through the door.

"Im leaving Dean and theres nothing you can do about it." He was swaying a little bit you knew hed been drinking.

He walked into the briskly right for you. The dtermination on his scared you a little bit especially since you knew it was mixed with alcohol. He grabbed you by the shoulders and pinned you up against the wall. He gave you a hard passionate kiss that tasted like beer.

"I fucking love you cant you see that!" He yelled at you.

"Tell me that when you sober!"

"Thats the thing Y/n Ive been sober. I would have beem eight weeks sober today. I was sober for you. the whole reason i even thought about it was becase I love you too much to let you down. But then you had to go off and decide to leave because you thought I was going to have a beer after the job. It was a joke Y/n. It was literally a fucking joke. I audibly laughed to myself to indicate it was a joke but then you had to go and take it seriously. And because im so inlove with you i spirled because you said you were leaving and I fell off the wagon and had a couple beers. Im heartbroken because i did it for you."

You were surprised. You honestly hadnt noticed Dean hadnt been drinking. "Im sorry I didnt know. I didnt notice." You said quietly. You felt like an idiot.

"Hell yeah you didnt notice! But now I guess you leaving and Im back to drinking."

A tear rolled down you cheek. You grabbed his face kissed him hard. He kissed you back so much so your head slammed against the wall. You could tell he meant it. you could tell by his kiss that he loved you.

"Im not going anywhere." You said once you parted.

"Good because I dont know what I would do without you."

[bang-me-bangtan-style]

the temptation-2 : Kim Taehyung

1 | 2 | 

paring: jeon jungkook x kim taehyung x reader

genre: smut, innocence,celibacy, corruption,seducing, going against morals,

summary: Church. School. Work. Home. Home.work. school home. It was a hell of routine. But it was old. It was getting way too old. This pure innocent life was just a facade nowadays. Your mind had fell into the fifth circle of hell. And your boyfriend jungkook realized this. Especially after you cheated on him with the person he hated the most. Taehyung. And now according to him you would burn in hell for it. How long could you keep your legs closed after reviving oral sex from taehyung? Could you keep the rest of your innocence or did you really want to burn in hell like jungkook said you would? Book 1/7 in the bts series

notes: this series is about sexual desires and religion don’t read if your not into that or are against. you’ve been warned.

unedited but enjoy

Although you were at work your phone had been ringing all day. You knew who it was already and you wish he'd just stop and give you a break. You didn't want to deal with anything else. Yesterday Jungkook broke up with you and you would like the pain to subside before dealing with Lucifer. Plus everyone was sent the video of you and Taehyung and you were to face that soon when you went back to school after Christmas break. you just hope your parents didn't receive it or you'll be dead.

"Can i take your-" your phone rang in your back pocket startling you- "order." you finished. Your customer looked at you weird and you inhaled and exhaled. It was safe to say that it was time to turn it off as soon as things died down in the cafe.

"Yeah i'll have black coffee on ice," the guy that was balding from old age said.

You rang him up and your co-worker started on his order. The next person in line came up and your eyes widen when you were met with Lucifer himself. what the fuck was he doing here? you began to internally panic but on the outside you look cool, calm, and collect.

He leaned in on the counter, "you're not answering none of my calls what was I supposed to do?" your eyes fixated on his lips and you stopped breathing- flash backs hitting you like PTSD.

"Why would you show up here?" You whispered yelled becoming angry. You felt embarrassed seeing him now that you were sober knowing the sinful things he had done to you. Plus you were at work and now was not the time to talk about anything related to what happened over the weekend.

"We need to talk,"was all he said looking seriously.

"I cant right now, i'm at work,"you growled.

"when do you get off?"

"never"

"y/n come on" he pleaded.

"In an hour."

"fine, i'll wait for you."

"no."

"yes."

"no."

"yes."

"fine! hurry up and order or leave your holding up the line."

he leaned back up and turned off to sit down somewhere the person behind him giving him a dirty look as he was holding up the line.

one hour later...

You had clocked out and counted you drawer helping the next person get settled in for their shift. and when you were done you went to where Taehyung resided and stood, you looked around. "I don't think it's safe to talk here."

he realized this and he stood up and followed your form.

The cold hit you as soon as you stepped out of the cafe and instantly you wanted to go back in. You were annoyed that you left your coat at home of all days. Taehyung noticed this and quickly took his trench coat off and wrapped it around you. He walked you to his car and he had the courtesy to open the door for you before getting in himself. You sat in silence as he walked around the front of the car to get to the drivers side, thousands of things running threw your head as you waited.

He got in the car shutting the door with a thump and turned it on so he could warm it up. he blew on his hands rubbing them together a he tried to warm them up. However you were warm in his coat the smell of him filling your senses of his Gucci cologne.

You looked down as you waited for him to start the conversation. Once satisfied with the temperature in the car he turned to you.

"Are you okay?" was the first thing that came out his mouth Because he didn't know what to say he didn't want to make you mad in any way. He liked you too much.

"Yeah," was all you replied looking anywhere but him.

He stared at you watching you and your body language he could tell that you were uncomfortable with the current situation and he felt like he was to blame.

"I'm sorry-"he began.

"It's not your fault I wanted you to- you have nothing to be sorry about."

This time he looked down. "I don't want you to be mad at me and I promise I'll find who ever sent that video to everyone."

"Don't worry about it the damage has been done."

"Does he know?"

"Of course he knows.."

"What he-"

"He broke up with me of course. And he said you and I will go to hell." You forced a smile but it didn't reach your ears. It was obviously forced and it broke his heart. "Is this all you wanted to talk about 'cause i'm kind of tired and i'm going to miss the bus-"

"I'll take you home if you miss it." He held onto your contact, his eyes twinkling. God he was so handsome and so dangerous and it scared you even more now because you didn't know if you could control yourself around him. You fell into his arms like silly putty before, it could happen again.

You breathed in again. God he smelled so good. He probably tasted delicious. literally. You shook the sins out your mind.

"Fine," was all you said as you tried not to concentrate on sucking him off in the back seat of his car right now.

"I just hope your parents don't find out they already hate me enough."

"you and me both." you Smirked slightly.

what was this? could you two be something if you got over jungkook? he was a nice boy. but he was bad. you didn't know if you could take him. you weren't used to being touched. and he was so touchy. he put his hand on your forearm and touched the skin there as in to comfort you but why did your mind always make everything so sexual. it felt so sensual. and you pulsed between your legs. you just wanted him to touch you more, you liked the feeling of male touching you. it sent you into a craze.

"id say id take it back but then id be lying." your pu$$y reacted to his words. the same words that came out that same mouth that made you cum. mmm. talk about temptation. he was so tempting.

"can't live life with regrets we all do things for a reason what's the point in taking them back?" it wasn't exactly the response he wanted from you but it Was good enough.

just then the bus came and gone and you watched it go.

"alright it looks like im going to take you home," he whispered in the silence of his car.

you looked outside of the window the snowfall on the ground that had melted some had remained. the streets were cleared and the snow was casted to the side of the road.

moments went by...

"im hurt that he broke up with me but everything happens for a reason. i keep telling my self this. maybe if one day he could forgive me id feel better but until then i feel like shit."

he hated hearing about jungkook but it wasn't about him. it wasn't his place to be mad you weren't his. even if he did steal you away.

"i guess you're right everything does happen for a reason." was all he could say with out sounding possessive over you. " i will say that im going to get a lot of shit from him. he might start shit with me,"

"he won't." You assured him.

'cause if he does he'll look like the weak one- and one thing jeon jungkook hates is being week. he's going to act like it doesn't bother him when we get back to school. that's the type of guy he is."

taehyung didn't say anything he just nodded his head.

"what about yo-"

don't worry about me too much. ill get a lot of hate and what not but its okay. ill manage."

taehyung hated this he hated that this happens, he didn't care about himself but he didn't want you to have a hard time.

"if it feels any better, what you did for me was the best thing you could have done it felt so good. if it wernt for you i would have imploded by now. he would have never done that for me. he wouldn't even-" you stopped yourself before you admitted things he shouldn't know.

"he wouldn't what?"

"nothing," you shook your head looking back at the snow.

"its okay tell me."

you hesitated, but why not? its not like he was with you anymore.

"he wouldn't even kiss me."

taehyung was really taken aback."seriously why?"

"because it will lead to sex."

"not always. you could stop when it got to that point."

" that's what I tried to tell him but he wouldn't listen."

taehyung was mind boggled, "so the whole time you were together he has never kissed you?"

you pressed your lips together and shook your head.

"wowwwww, he sighed throwing his head back against the head of the seat.

"so was i your fist kiss?"

"you were my first everything so far." you blushed even though he could tell inside the dark car.

he smiled looking down. " i kind of like the Sound of that."

you blused even more. it was too much to handle. your heart was beating fast again his sent engulfed you smothering you like you were in his arms which if you were in his arms you wouldn't complain. not one bit.

"i am sorry that i dragged you into this mess." You admitted.

"its okay, trust me im not complaining."

you looked at his side profile he was so alluring. fresh new. it exlierated you. you wanted to touch him all over, fuck him in his car, make out with him in bed, but that would be too much.but you kind of didn't care. but you would keep your dirty thoughts to yourself. you were already in hot shit. you fucked everything up with jungkook you didn't want to fuck up more.

but being around taehyung made you want to do things it always did,and when you finally did it when you got drunk, you knew that this was your true self there no reason to hide who you were. you were a sexual human and it was human to feel like that. you shouldn't have to hide who you were. it was natural. you shouldn't have to feel ashamed of yourself. jungkook made you feel ashamed of your self. and that's where the depression resided from.

it was only a matter of time until you exploded. oh wait....

"well should i take you home?" he said looking at you.

"yes..." i want you to stay though.

"okay let's go," he started the car and began to drive off.

you wish you could say your thoughts aloud.

[hanorganaas]

So I am doing a bit of an emotional dump because these past few days have been an emotional roller coster and in a good way.  And I just need to let it all out so forgive me for the rambling

The fact I can finally say I am moving out to a community that could finally help me thrive I couldn’t at home and actually fit in with the people is just a wild concept for me, because I thought would be stuck in a house or thrown somewhere because my mom couldn’t handle the fact i was standing up to her where I had more control over me.

I am happy about this, and though my ADHD puts me on the opposite end of the spectrum I can still fit in with people of all levels, some who you cant even tell have developmental disabilities and have a group of caring friends who wont judge me for my little stims and quirks while still talking about Star Wars and Marvel which I hadnt had since College. 

Most of all. I admit I have so much Anger towards my mother, she provided but still said such horrible and emotionally abusive things to me which fucked me up beyond control. It didn’t help because she is definitely emotionally unwell so it was like Russian Roulette being around her because you had to be careful what you did and what you said, especially since she craved attention, to look good in front of her friends. But......I know how much hating a parent who has been mentally unwell, eats you alive because I done it with my Father.

My father was an alcoholic, also suffers from Bipolar. Last year he became Sober with my brother who became an Alcoholic at 26 because of the same demons he went through with my family. But because of the Alcoholism and untreated Bipolar, he was just as ignorant and hurtful, (he still a bit of a dumbass but is trying). I was angry he wasn’t there. I was angry he didn’t understand me. I ignored him for years. I hung up on him many times. But the anger was so corrosive, it made me sick and physically ill. But when he became Sober this year, and we went through the death of my Nanny, while there is still anger I need to sort out which he knows about, I started to be less hateful and started to hang out with him more, and though there are still things that annoy the fuck out of me, I have been enjoying his company as long as its in small doses, and you know what just taking away the hatred I had in my heart for him and being willing to accept him for who he is despite the turbulant past, was the best thing that I ever did. Not having that Hatred just took away the heaviness and the black cloud. 

When my mom is not stressed and not having her violent mood swings where you have to be nice to her or she mentally degrades you, I enjoy her company. She still thinks my fandom world is fucking nuts, but sometimes shes willing to engage and learn more, and we have good laughs and talks. Its when she calls me selfish, accuses me of things, tries to put thoughts in my head, is when this anger and this hatred comes out. And the fact I live, well soon lived, with it and having these episodes last for days, like she says shes okay but this afternoon she was freaking out about not getting me to one of the things in the program on time and then crying in the car out of no where on the way home. And just like with my dad this Anger has made me sick, coursing to my body, affecting me to the point where I am winded and my body is on fire. 

And you know what yes, some of the things she said and did to me makes her underserving of my love. But I dont want to hate her. Its going to continue a three generation vicious cycle that started with my grandma probably being bitter at her mother for the same thing mom is bitter her basically and is continuing with me and if I dont break it, its going to probably continue with my daughter, whenever i have her because i definitely want kids someday. 

I want nothing more to have that understanding I do with my father than I do with my mother.  I cannot fix what happened. I can’t fix her sickness and her inablity to cope healthily instead rip people apart cause she is unconfident. But I can learn to love her. If I could love Carrie Fisher who I mannifested as my mother figure because of the issues I had despite the fact Carrie had issues and demons and did some unsavory things because of it, then I could love my mother too. But the only way is I can do this is to do the same thing I did with my father, not live with her and see her in small doses. So I can enjoy her and not wonder how long its gonna last. And living away is finally going to take the last thing has been a terrible load on my back, that has affected how i react and see myself and made me so damn defensive. 

Thats why I am so happy about this. I know if I heal things with my mother, its going to heal in a lot of ways too. I may not heal from my anxiety and ADHD which is gonna be with me my whole life and I am okay with it, stanning Carrie Fisher that me that, but I am going to learn to accept my mother for who she is, I am going to learn that not everyone is going to scrutinize everything I do, or mock me. I am going  finally know what it means to thrive even though I live conditions that knock me down sometimes. 

And for that....for the first time in my life, I dont feel hopeless. Going back to school for Data Analytics finally showed me what I wanted to do with my life and knew that even if it takes long to follow my dreams, I know I have direction. Healing my relationship with my Dad gives me hope I can forgive my mom too and I will break the vicious cycle of hatred. Being in this Community gives me hope I will get that acceptance and being able to thrive.

Hell, if I managed to meet Carrie Fisher and had her tell me how awesome I am before we lost her, got all those beautiful times and probably more with Ming Na Wen the woman I aspire to be, and fucking randomly met Harrison Ford the man I stan to hell in airport when I had no plans for that for that to happen, theres ony good things on the horizion right?

Anyway if you read though this dump which I cried three damn times writing thank you and I thank you for letting me space out this dump

[justforshitsandcackles]

funny prompts

“You’re such a fun drunk.”

“Since my dog likes you then i guess i like you.”

“Tell them to fuck off.”

“It’s six o’clock in the morning, you’re not having vodka.”

“I want to strangle you 99% of the time.”

“Could you not suck for five minutes?”

“The ladies love a guy who’s good with kids.”

“You can’t banish me! This is my bed/bedroom too!”

“You’re seriously like a man-child.”

“Well thats tragic.”

“I’m too sober for this.”

“You are actually insane!”

“I think you’re actually satan.”

“It’s like -50 degrees in here.”

“Laugh at my jokes! They’re funny and you know it!”

“Sorry isn’t going to help when i kick your ass!”

“Don’t let one of them electrocute themselves or something.”

“Welcome back. Now fucking help me.”

“Do you find this amusing, fuck face?”

“Holy shit! That thing is huge!”

“Don’t kink shame me.”

“I hope i’m never stuck with you on a deserted island.”

“I just cleaned that!”

“Don’t get sassy with me!”

“What do you have behind your back?”

“If you interrupt me one more time, so help me god.”

“Not to toot my own horn or anything, but the dog loves me more.”

“I’m going to put on some clothes before you say anything else.”

“Bite me.”

“If you insist.”

“Im not going to stop poking you until you give me some attention.”

“I need you to be my fake girlfriend/boyfriend.”

“Can you stop playing connect the dots with my freckles?”

“You snuck into my room, at 4am..to cuddle?”

“If we get caught i’m blaming you.”

“What? No! I wasn’t staring..i-i was looking at something behind you!”

“I locked the keys in the car.”

“This is why we can’t have nice things.”

“Wait a minute. Are you jealous?”

“Define normal.”

“Do i get bonus points if i act like i care?”

“Just remember if we get caught, you’re deaf and i don’t speak english.”

“Don’t look for any redeeming qualities. I don’t have any.”

“And you wonder why you’re single.”

“Remind me to kill you. Please.”

“I’m listening to you. I’m just not paying attention.”

“She’s crazy. and just when you think you’ve reached the bottom of her craziness, theres a crazy underground garage.”

“Sorry. I don’t speak skank.”

“My middle finger salutes you.”

“I don’t think i could ever stab someone. I mean, lets be honest, i can barely get the straw in the capri sun.”

“I don’t have enough middle fingers to let you know how i feel.”

“Somebodys cranky.”

“Somebody needs to shut up.” 

“All due respect but thats a bunch of crap.”

“I am one of the few people in the world who can murder you and leave no forensic evidence behind.”

“Excuse me. I have to go make a scene.”

“What did i tell you about calling him/her the devil?”

“That it’s offensive to the devil?”

“I heard that!”

“You were supposed to!”

“I’m not weird. I’m limited edition.”

“If history repeats itself, i am so getting a dinosaur.”

“You seem somewhat familiar. have i threatened you before?”

“Even when we were kids, i always kicked your ass!”

“Sarcasm is the body’s natural reaction to stupidity.”

“Don’t look in her eyes, she might steal your soul.”

“She’s hot, but she’s evil.”

“Do i regret it? Yes. Would i do it again? Probably.”

“You’re going to burn in a very special level in hell. A level they reserve for child molesters, animal abusers, and people who talk at the theater.”

“I’m not a damsel in distress. i’m a damsel doing damage.”

“Sometimes i question my sanity. Occasionally it replies.”

“Why should we date?”

“Because we’re attracted to each other.”

“I am attracted to pie, but i do not feel the need to date pie.”

“Why does everyone assume the worst of me.”

“It saves time.”

“You’ve successfully cured him/her of anything interesting about his/her personality.”

“Neither one of us is drunk enough for this conversation.”

“Wow somebody needs a happy meal.”

“I didn’t do it!”

“Then why are you laughing?”

“Because whoever did it is a freaking genius.”

“Idiots. I’m surrounded by idiots.”

“You couldn’t handle me even if i came with instructions.”

“Obviously you have mistaken me for somebody who gives a shit.”

“I’m so glad you could come.”

“Cut the crap. give me a drink.”

“Where have you been all my life?”

“Hiding from you.”

“I can tell that you think what you’re saying is funny, but...no.”

“If you pull out my earphones, i will pull out your lungs.”

“Ah, he’s playing hard-to-get. thats cute.”

“I feel like a freakin’ soccer mom.”

“My ex? Yeah id still hit that. Except this time it would be with a car or a baseball bat.”

“Such big evil in such a little thing.”

“For the love of fuck.”

“Yep, thats me. i love to fuck.”

“Are you ready to go?”

“Yeah. let me grab my machete.”

“We’re going to sephora. no machetes needed.”

Clears throat seriously, “Yas bitch.”

“No road trip is complete without the snacks. So go in there and buy everything you can fit in a tiny cart.”

“I’m all for making you miserable by being insufferable, but unfortunately i have things to do today.”

“Come on, you can help me make conspiracy theories. If you make an especially good one, ill pay for dinner.”

“You know what? Why not? I haven’t ruined my life yet this week. Lets go.”

“Do these dark circles under my eyes say nothing to you about how i am doing?”

“If i didn’t know you better, id say you were trying to flirt by giving me books.”

“What are you talking about? Im hilarious!”

“Duct tape? Duct tape is not going to fix this!”

“What did you think? That you were going to fight him?”

“You’re blocking the view.”

“I am the view.”

“Why are you on the floor?”

“Tying my shoe.”

“You’re wearing rain-boots.”

“Cant stop me from slaying!”

“Close your eyes and imagine it, all the dogs in the world.”

“Be careful, he’s so sweet you might get diabetes.”

“Would you reconsider if i was sober?”

“Stop running i’m wearing flip flops!”

“Why are you holding your boobs?”

“I wouldn’t call it stalking, more like far distance admiring.”

“You need to stop making her laugh! you’re ruining her makeup!”

“I’m sure i can get some kind of sexual gratification from just staring at him if i try hard enough.”

“I’m not sure if its a sexual thing or not.”

“I’m either in the mood for french fries or to rip someone’s head off. Hmmm. decisions, decisions.”

“If you’re not out of the shower in the next five minutes, i’m going to cut your fucking hair off to make your life quicker.”

“No, i will not dress up as a chicken.”

“I never told my extended family that we broke up, and now they want to know when you’re coming over for dinner again.”

“I need a date to my relatives wedding, and i’ve already asked literally everyone else i know, so i know you probably hate me, but please say yes. Otherwise they’ll try to set me up with someone, and they have awful taste.”

“One more sound and i swear to-”

“Sometimes when (name) texts me, i just pretend they didn’t so i don’t have to respond.”

“You gave our pigeon boyfriend the wrong beans!”

“If i’m like 50 and still single, ill marry you because tax benefits.”

“Please, never have children.”

“I know its like 11pm, but i’m on my way to your house with nacho fries.”

“Sometimes i wish i was gay so i wouldn’t have to deal with all these dumbass boys.

“You know, would’ve been nice if you told me your whole ass family was coming to this dinner! I look like a troll.”

“Im going to the party to pet the dog, no thanks drugs.”

“I hope in college i get some excuse to deck him. Maybe with a bottle or something, ill wing it and be like “oops, sorry shithead, my hand slipped.”

“What is this shit...i’m just trying to graduate.”

“Ooo, i sense attitude in your tone.”

“Guess who only got two hours of sleep? Me, lol, i’m gonna die.“

“I’m gonna strangle you.”

“Is that a threat or a promise?”

“Superheroes aren’t allowed in my house, especially after they’ve destroyed my living room. go away.”

“oh you’re coming. even if i have to drag you through the snow in your pajamas.”

“i swear you’re gonna end up getting like botox in your tits or something.”

“well i mean-”

“whAT DO YOU MEAN?!”

Once again, these are loosely categorized as funny.

admin Charlie💕

[mollydollyjournals]

I'm supposed to go for dinner with my in laws tomorrow. Today, technically. Hb isnt even sure if he's going so I have to wait until hes decided. But I dont feel like I can go at all. It would be a really bad idea for me. I'm fucking tired. I'm worse than I've been in a long time. Again. I keep getting worse. Why the fuck would I be able to go play Good Wife in a situation that's anything but that.

And I just got a lot better with my art. That ADHD hyperfocus finally paid off somehow. In the past month I've learned way more with drawing than i have in years. I wanna draw. I wanna make comics. I wanna learn. It feels like growth and i dont want to go sit in a mansion pretending the sofa I'm sitting on isnt worth more money than my entire life. I'm not them. Nigga we ain't them.

If I stay up late enough I can tell hb I wont be able to wake up in time. Its likely anyway, and I already told him this. It's just the only thing of my issues that he seems to relate to. I think he can relate to more really, but he keeps playing the part. Kyriarchy is a hell of a drug.

I have therapy every Friday. Last session I mentioned that this dinner was coming up and I didnt want to go. My therapist said, 'then why not stay home?' and I felt like, you know...you're right. I know you're right. You know you're right. Insert Nirvana song. The correct option, really, is for me not to go. Even hb isnt really well enough to make the 3-4hr round trip for dinner.

But they are high achieving high functioning middle class rich white people and whether we care about that or not the fact remains that they own the house we live in. And that's capitalism, folks. That's why I havent left hb in all the times I've thought that might be better for us. That's why hb hasnt broken away from his parents in all his life. That's why his mother hasnt left his father even though shes literally even told her children she wants to. Its money. In some cases, cant handle leaving the middle class lifestyle behind. In my case, just need a secure place to live with vaguely reliable heating and internet. Regardless, fucking capitalism.

So I dont know what to do. They wouldnt understand that I finally got some kind of breakthrough with my art. Not unless i was going to make money out of it. My own mother barely understands that kind of thing. God theres so much i havent even written here.

I just dont want to go. It's not a good idea for me to go. It's a good idea for me to stay here and make my art and draw my comics and stay sober where I can and drink where I need to. Fuck I'm really glad I started with my therapist tbh. It really surprised me that a cishet white guy that isnt trying to fuck me might actually relate to me. My brain keeps spinning all kinds of bad outcomes for that. But for the time being at least, this is someone who thinks similarly to me, but is qualified as a therapist in a lot of ways that I need. And if he says 'addiction isnt the ideal but I'm really glad you got drunk instead of k1ll1ng yourself' and 'if you're that stressed about going, why do you have to go?' that's what was in my head to start with. That was exactly it. I could have game over'd and I definitely wanted to but I drank instead to just keep myself going. Until later. Until tomorrow if I can manage it. My increased sui// shit is from feeling like I'm being judged for that and cant get out of it, and if I cant continue as an alcoholic, and i cant continue without alcohol, then i guess i just cant continue. And fuck even a paid professional is such a rarity as someone who might tell me that yes, I should continue to exist, and yes, I am a good thing in the world, and yes, there is a way to realistically drink less, but yes, i should drink myself into oblivion if that helps me to continue to exist another day. And in deciding whether to go see my rich white upper middle class in laws, I should consider whether I actually want to do that or not and maybe just be selfish a bit in my decision.

But hb will give me shit if I don't. I was really hoping he'd cancel. He said he was probably going to. But he didnt confirm. He said hed confirm tomorrow, at a time that's fine for him but way too late for me. Really, we shouldn't go. Neither of us should. We only want to go to show up for his mother, who is a baby boomer who's been through a lot and tried her best to fill the role assigned to her. Otherwise we'd see the rest of his family at another time - not that we dont want to see then, we just dibt want to cancel.

And all of this is the same performative bullshit I grew up with. As a poor person attending a school full of rich kids. As a 2nd gen immigrant brown kid at a school full of white folks (where in the recent BLM movement that same school was called out for its racism). As a yet-undiagnosed autistic kid trying to look neurotypical while not even aware of the issue.

Its the same. Every time I have to go back there. Even hb got more vocal about judging me recently. Again. I'm too tired. I cant do it. I can work on my drawing, I cant do this middle class family Good Wife shit.

Its nearly 2:30am and that'll be my excuse. I wont be able to wake up in time. Hb will understand that. But he'll see it that I'm still awake because I stayed up drinking and smoking and whatever. Not that I'm doing those things because I'm anxious as shit. Or that actually I had a reasonable amount of wine with my mum today when I went to visit her for the first time in a really long time, along with two of the pets I brought home when I lived with her who are now elderly and one could drop dead any second, and I'm really an introvert, and if I'm going to go anywhere to socialise it has to be my mum. It has to.

I dont know if I'm overreacting, because at this point I'm going to have to tell hb that I wont be able to go and hes going to know that I drank and whatever and maybe he wont go off at me. But I am completely certain that there'll be some passive aggression going forth. And I hate this. And even this journal post, on my own private anonymous tumblr account, is taking up way too muc mental energy that I was previously putting into a drawing that I actually felt good about.

[axelsagewrites]

Magnus Bane*Butterfly

Magnus Bane X depressed!Lightwood reader

This can either be platonic or romantic, not really specified.

Masterlist HERE

Wattpad HERE

Sometimes you just feel hopeless. Like everything is black and white, good and bad. It's not but it how I see things.   Sometimes everything is numb, not even sad. I can pretend it's all fine, put on a fake smile and they’ll buy it. No one helps you till your bleeding. I'm begging for an alley, someone to understand. Little do they know it murdered the person they called a friend, sibling. I'm not who I used to be, but they don’t care, not if I stay quiet. As long as everything looks picture perfect its fine. Izzy is my best friend but cant sees how I'm drowning inside. Its like I've been thrown overboard into a deep sea of nightmares but she doesn’t seem to realise. I can't blame her, I’m a good liar. I have to be. Alec and Jace don’t understand it either. I can't blame them. I shut myself out and put on a mask, a mask showing what they want to see. To them I’m a perfect sibling; I’m extroverted and loud for Izzy, serious and rational for Alec, and energetic and sarcastic for Jace. For mom and dad, I’m a devoted shadowhunter. For Max, I’m a manga lover, comic reader and training enthusiast who can teach him the ways of a shadowhunter. To them, I’m all these and happy. Except I'm not. None of them seems to realise I'm breaking inside. I hate clubbing but go for Iz, I want to take risks but don’t for Alec, I want to be lazy but Jace likes to train, I hate being a shadowhunter and I don’t understand manga. Why can't I read a normal book? Clary and Simon are new, I don’t expect them to see but why can't the rest of them tell. Everything is numb and I cant take it.

I decide to take a walk. Its past midnight but as an insomniac who can't sleep, this isn’t strange. My family lies sleeping in their beds while I laid awake in a bed of emptiness, sadness and anger. I don’t know what at, only that my veins feel like their on fire and my thoughts are drowning me. I like to go for walks through me stuttering kneecaps may give out at any moment. Guess that's what happens when you don’t eat dinner and train for an hour, or three. I somehow end up on a bridge. I walk over to the side of the bridge and lean against it, staring into the water. Will I ever live up? Will I ever outdo myself? Get better? The bar gets higher and higher while the platform I stand on crumbles. I'm so absorbed in my own thoughts I don’t hear the warlock approaching me. I don’t realise he’s even there until he places his hand on my shoulder. I flinch and turn to look at him. Magnus. It's strange seeing him, I barely know him. “What are you doing out this late,  butterfly?” “Thinking,” I say it emotionless and staring back into the water. I don’t know why he calls me a butterfly, is more like a moth. His face seems concerned but I don’t turn. “About?” he presses. “Nothing, its fine.” I give a tight-lipped smile and turn to him. I begin to walk away but he grabs my wrist. “I don’t want to be a burden, truly.” I pull my arm away and keep walking. I hear his footsteps follow me but I just look forward. I cant face anyone, I'm too tired to lie, to numb to care. “Everything is temporary,” I hear Magnus call after me. I stop and so did he, though I didn’t turn. “Whatever you’re feeling can end.” I look over my shoulder at him. “Easy for you to say,” I whisper. I walk over to the railing again and he follows. “I cant help if you don’t tell me.” “I don’t want your help!” I explode, causing him to flinch back. “Why do you even care? I'm fine, theirs nothing wrong.” “Really?” He asks. I nod my head with an annoyed look on my face. “You expect me to believe that? What were you thinking about back there?” He challenged me. “What did you mean you don't want to be a burden? What would-“ He kept questioning me and I cant handle it. “you of done if I walked passed you?” “Jumped!” I yell. “I would’ve fucking jumped. Is that what you want to know? That I cant handle it anymore? That I’m sick of wearing a mask? Of pretending? Of lying? Do you want to know I'm still awake because I feel like I don’t deserve sleep and even if I did I cant? Is that what you want to hear? How I'm fucked?” I run my hands through my hair and brush to salty tears from my cheeks. “Is that what you want?” I whimper. “No. I mean yes, I don’t know.” He stumbled over his words. “Its always better to be honest though I wish you didn’t feel like that.” “Why do you care?” I whisper coldly. “Seeing someone who cares so much for others, not caring for themselves isn’t a good thing. I've been where you’ve been and it's not fun. We handle it differently but I get it.” “How do you cope?” I cant look at him. not when I’m like this. He sighed. “At first I drank. I drank it all away and did things I'm not proud of. I would find anything to distract me from it.” He paused and I nodded along to what he said. “But then I realised,” he continued. “That when I was sober it was worse. Drinking was only a distraction, not a solution. And I've learned, through a long life full of mistakes and fuck-ups, that the only way to get over it is to face it head-on.” I furrowed my brows. What the hell does he mean? “You’ve got to ask yourself, why are you letting the depression win?” I flinched at his words. I've always been too scared to be diagnosed, even if I was the shadowhunters wouldn’t care. “and then you’ve got to talk about it. And be honest. You’re not being a burden (Y/N). if you want to get better then you need honesty.” “I cant.” “You can.” He rested his hand, gently on my shoulder. “And you will. I cant make you but I like to think I'm a good judge of character and that you will. Maybe not straight away but I think you’ll be brave enough to face your demons straight on, just like in battle.” “I don’t want to face my demons or any other ones.” Magnus raised his eyebrow at that and I sighed. “I don’t want to be a shadowhunter. It terrifies me. Death is part of the job.” “That’s something you should be talking about, (Y/N). it's not a bad thing, only different.” I sighed but it soon turned into a yawn. “You should get some sleep. It could help.” He suggested. “I-I've got insomnia,” I admitted, looking at the ground. I had always been told to just count some sleep and get over it. “I cant sleep.” “I could get you a potion?” he offered. I sighed. “It's not just that. I-I hate sleeping in that place. Theirs too many bad memories.” He went quiet for a few seconds. “If you would like,” he started slowly. “You could crash in my spare room. if you think it may help.” I stayed silent. “if the institute makes it worse, I'm not letting you go back there. Not when you’re like this. But you need sleep.” I nodded. “I’ll come with you.” He gave me a reassuring smile. “But only for tonight.” “Only tonight.” “I just need a quick nap, then I’ll be fine.” I don’t know who I’m talking to, him or me?

“Do you want to borrow some PJs?” Magnus offered, shutting the door behind him. I nodded. “Take a seat.” He directed me to his sofa. “I’ll be back in a moment.” I sat down and brought my legs to my chest. I rested my head on my knees. Sleep was quickly gaining on me. Probably as I hadn’t slept in 3 days.

3rd Pov Magnus walked back into his living room holding a baggy shirt and shorts only to see (Y/N) already asleep. Magnus sighed and brushed their w=hair of their forehead.  “Goodnight.” The warlock whispered. Magnus carried (Y/N) to the spare room and laid them in bed. Magnus didn’t understand why it was the most precious people who were the most broken. The warlock looked at the shadowhunter before he left the room. He’d originally given them the nickname butterfly because he thought it was nice but it was only now he realised how perfect the name was. Thinking back Magnus tried to remember all the things butterflies used to symbolise; Time Soul Growth Elegance Expansion Transition Vulnerability (Y/N) was a vulnerable soul but with time Magnus knew they would transition and grow into an elegant and beautiful soul. (Y/N) really was a butterfly.

[nodaydreamstosaveme]

ADDICTION.

it’s the big, scary word people want to avoid and pretend it doesn’t exist because it’s not happening to them. ————————–
I am an addict, and I am over four years clean & sober. More than that, I am a human. The amount of judgment towards an addict constantly breaks my heart. And I can’t be mad about it. You are blessed that you don’t know what a sick disease this really is and that you’ve never had to grieve someone who is still alive. I pray you never do. But if you think for one second, that they chose this life and they must want it because they wont stop you are sadly, sadly mistaken. Nobody wanted this. Nobody wanted to be prostituting to get their next fix, nobody wanted to end up hospitalized for malnutrion, nobody wanted to wear long sleeve shirts to hide their scars in the middle of summer. Please, be mindful that as a child I never grew up wanting to be a drug addict. It never started like that. And for people who at this point usually say “Well you should have never started, drugs are bad, it was your choice to pick that drink up” I was 12. Came from a broken, abusive family and had no idea what path drugs and alcohol would take me on. All I knew was that I didn’t want to be a hurt, little girl anymore. So I take a drink and fuck it made me feel good, I’m not feeling any pain. Thats where it began and where it begins for many, and being an addict does not mean it is an excuse I take full responsibility. I don’t expect you to think because I had a shitty childhood that justified the next 6 years of drug and alcohol use. What I want you to know is that it didn’t begin as a choice. Something in my brain changed the night I drank and I realized this was a way to escape the reality that was my life. I never thought I’d lose control. I thought I could handle it and I wouldn’t take it that far. But, unfortunately addiction does not discriminate. Addiction affects everyone. You think its not going to happen to you, until it does. Or your kid, or your parent, or your neighbour. Addiction doesn’t care if you grew up surrounded by love, addiction doesn’t care if you are fifty years old. It has one goal & that is to kill you. But it was never supposed to be this way. So when you think to what an addict is; just know that it isnt a choice, its not as simple as saying no. Its powerlessness. Over and over again. The addict is even more confused than you as to why they cant stop. They hate themselves more than you hate them. They promise each morning after they will stop, and are just as confused as to how they got drunk again within hours. Please take the time to learn about addiction. These people are us. These people are you. Before they are addicts, before they are prostitutes, before they are homeless, they are PEOPLE. Why is that we are so quick to sign a cast for a arm that has been hurt but everyone turns in shame from a brain that is hurt? It is a mental illness. It is not a choice. But let me be clear, it is not my excuse. It is my responsibility. I’m not looking for pity, I am in search of compassion and the human decency to recognize that addicts are people who are no longer in control. If you havent had your life touched by addiction, I truly hope you never do but this does not excuse your responsibility to break the stigma. If you have had your life touched by addiction I am sorry, addiction does not justify someones actions and you too have a right to feel broken. I am sorry if you are the sibling who doesnt get attention because your parents are fighting about what to do with your brother, I am sorry if you are the mother who is replaying her daughters funeral over again in your head, I am sorry if you are the son who comes home everyday to his dad passed out drunk. The addict hurts and everyone in the addicts life hurts too. I see you too. This fight is for you too. If you are the addict, I will keep carrying this message that there is RECOVERY from addiction. Any form of addiction. And you are not your disease. I was broken, hopeless and wanted to die at the age of 17. Today I have a job, a condo, a long term relationship, friends, pets & family. If you are anything like me you are probably saying in your head “Thats really fucking nice, but its never going to happen for me.” and thats okay. I would have never believed it either. But I hope that you know I do truly mean you are worth so much more than the isolating existence your addiction wants for you. I see you. The real you. Beneath all the demons.
So for all of you addicts out there, remember that rock bottom is where you stop digging. Dont be ashamed to ask for help. I used to believe that admitting I had no control was pathetic. It truly was the bravest thing I have ever done, and through surrendering have I found a life that I dont need to escape from. Lets break the stigma that addicts are weak for this is the biggest lie. Addicts are the strongest people I know. They live in a world where not only is their head fighting them everyday, but this stigma is too. Addicts are not weak. I am not weak. My journey is one of strength and courage. I sincerely ask from the bottom of my heart that you fight this battle of addiction with us, not against us. This is for the addicts and this is for the broken families/friends of the addicts. I hope we can one day live in a world where there is no shame in asking for help. If anyone ever needs anything, don’t hesitate to send me a message. I promise you to meet you with love ❤️

[anxiously-articulated-art]

My Letter To You That You’ll Never Get:

I’m gonna fucking miss you. Not only because I love you with everything in me but because you were also my best fucking friend. The one person I wanted to call at the end of the day. The one I wanted to share everything with. This is what I feared most. Losing you all together. We travelled the world together. We raised a beautiful fur baby together. We were figuring life out and doing really good. Or so I thought. And one day it all just stopped. The love. The laughs. The romancing. Instead it was replaced with anger, resentment and ridicule. One day I no longer saw love in your eyes. I saw resentment. Annoyance. And my heart shattered. I know you said you never cared about me. But I don’t believe that. The moments we shared. The passion. The tears. The hugs. And it fucking feels like fire that you deny all of it. That you killed off your feelings for me. 

I know I go against everything that you’ve always known. Financial security, vanity... I’m a goofy looking dude. And I don’t have the security you want. But you knew this from the beginning when you were my best friend. You knew I was transitioning to be a man and the hardships I suffered prior. The history with my exs and family. My deep rooted trauma. How do you get into a relationship with me knowing all of that? And at the end of the day its the very same reason you left me. You talked about marrying me. You were sending ring ideas to my sister, connecting with my grandma and my nieces and nephews. Telling my grandma that you want me to put a ring on it. AND your family. Taking me costa rica with your family for the holidays, look into moving out of state with me, talking about getting your eggs frozen for surrogacy and DECIDING ON A LITTLE GIRLS NAME WITH ME (ROWAN- Ill never fucking forget), just to fucking leave me when I catch you stepping out line on our relationship. 

Like do you resent me because I was more of a hoe than you during my time being single? are you mad at me that I didn’t stop us from dating or moving in together? Because you wanted time to hoe around? Or are you really that shallow and transphobic that you cant date a transgender that you practically planned an entire life with and raised a fur baby with and DECIDED ON A FUTURE CHILDS NAME WITH. O FUCKING K. Doesn’t make fucking sense to me.

But I also realize that with the stress of trying to fit in the life you wanted me living, I was self destructing and it was contributing to the end of our relationship. I was so unhappy being that sales man you wanted me to be so I could provide financial security. I was upset that I no longer had lacrosse. I wanted to find a different path in life. And every time I tried to travel that road we would just butt heads all the time. I became angry that all you cared about was our image, I  had no idea what I was walking into in terms of financial upkeep regarding our relationship. And little did you know I sold most of my prized possessions and committed horrible crimes to attempt to finance our lifestyle. I was drowning. And I became angry and stopped loving you in your love language. I stopped listening to your soul because mine was ravaged and chaotic. I stopped loving you tenderly. I stopped making you feel like my world. And I was wrong in that. And you know I will always own up to my shit. In fact I expect you to call me out on it, it was foundation to our friendship. It’s why I fell in love with you. Calling me out for treating a homeless man poorly. And the time I talked to rudely to the natural grocers employee. It’s the reason I loved you. You always pushed me to be a better man. Then one day it stopped. And you starting just making different choices. You were fighting people when the girl I met would have handled it like an adult with a conversation. I don’t know what happened. 

I know you suffer from crippling mental health issues. But those were never the problem in our relationship. I would have never loved you any less. And I would have done what ever was necessary to make sure you were okay. You made me promise after therapy together that if you got worse that I would take care of you. AND IM SO MAD I CANT RIGHT NOW BECAUSE YOU DECIDED THAT I WAS DISPOSABLE.

I’m angry because you disregarded everything about our relationship. and that shit felt REAL to me. Even to this day I still love you with the same passion and intensity as the day I first met you. I’m angry that I was so easy for you to drop. That my family was so easy for you to disregard. That our little family was so easy for you to throw away. I’m angry because all I wanted was a conversation. Honesty. Transparency. Everything we always promised to each other since DAY 1 of our friendship. I’m angry because I gave you so many outs. I offered you so many other options and solutions. But you chose to stay committed to me and make me believe we were really doing this life thing together. Only for it to literally fall apart within hours. 

Like I watched you almost die. You almost died on me trying to lose weight because of the pressure you feel from your family and the society you grew up in. My heart was broken. You will never know how many times I cried in the shower after that day. You will never know how many times on my drives to work early in the morning I prayed to god he would help me keep you safe. And I still pray to him that he keeps you and lincoln safe. I pray every single damn day.

And I think of you both. Every day. Every morning. Every night. Almost every fucking moment of the fucking day. And its nauseating. Doctors basically gave me horse tranqs so I could function without losing my shit. And I’m doing all of this to prevent myself from relapsing. I told you if we ended that I’d probably never move on and dive back into drugs and die in a ditch somewhere ODed or something. Well I’m doing the exact opposite. I’m getting in shape. Getting rid of my debt. Finding a good paying gig that I am actually happy with. Getting involved in the community and staying sober. I’m taking care of myself because you once told me “ I can’t bury another love ya know?”, you wanted me to take care of my body to prolong my inevitable demise. And you even promised me you’d be there in the end pushing my wheelchair. 

And because you told me that you were mad at me once for not giving you your “chance” with k****. And you asked me “well what if I was happy with her”... because your lesbian label means everything to you. And I knew this time I just had to let go. And cut my losses. Lincoln. My collection of books. My art. My family. You. Like there was no reasoning with you. You just hated me and wanted to spit hate at me any chance you could and I truly didn’t understand why you hated me so much. I was the one who got cheated on. More than once. And forgave you. Were you mad just because you got caught? How long would have kept that up if I hadn’t know? How long were you going to toy with me? Did you actually mean your final words you said to me? Is this how you wanted it to end? 

And like, I’m not even mad at you. I just want to understand. Because I meant what I said, I love you so much I’ll do anything to make you happy. And I truly want you to be the happiest ever in life. And I understand why you do the certain things that you do. I saw first hand the trauma you experienced your whole life. And I am so sorry. I didn’t know how to help. I didn’t know how to handle things. Maybe I was too emotionally inept to truly understand your world and I can’t apologize enough for that. I’m sorry my transition affected us as much as it did. Not a single day goes by that I wish it hadn’t. I’m sorry I didn’t treat you the best towards the end. I recognize that. And I wish I could have corrected my behavior sooner. I wish I handled things differently. I wish at the end I would have reminded you more about how much I love you and I want the best for you rather than radio silence. Because then maybe we could have closure.

But I’ll never know. Because I will never be the one to reach out to you. And I doubt you’ll ever try to contact me. 

Just know I will fucking miss you. And lincoln. Give her my love. And I wish you the best. 

I will always love you. I’m sorry.

Your root. 

Logan