#i cant thanks you enough for come too my account one day

[artcosmique]

Having moots/siblings like this make me feel so special....you two are very dear to me

<3

This post is for you. This account live, in part thanks to you two

@artistheworld

@ofthefrogs

[landososcar]

so high school ; JB5

pairing(s) ; jude bellingham x singer!reader , jude bellingham x student!reader

summary ; twitters favourite new(ish) artist drops her new album right during her school year.

warnings ; nothinggggg & mainly just fluff bc i love happy people

note ; SORRY ITS SHORT AHHAHA, i’ll post a new lando fic soon i just have no inspiration… ignore any dates that are wrong or don’t match - im lazy. also this is VERYYYY LOOSLY based off so high school lol (it’s mainly the aristotle line)

instagram !

liked by judebellingham, taylorswift, and others

youruser surprise !!!!! as an end of term present (for myself🤭🥳) and in honour of knowing the loml for 15 years, here’s 15 new songs for you guys to (hopefully) enjoy 😊 noah, thank you for trusting me and letting me join you on what might be one of my favourite songs ever!! i loveeee youuuu. && to my jude<3 thank you for inspiring me every single day of our lives. i love you bigger than the whole sky 🩵🩵 (guys he’s actually v v talented and he helped me write scared of my guitar, hard to sleep, and feels like) j, you are my safe place and these songs — especially the ones i haven’t let you hear yet — are for you.

ps guys idk how to only write happy songs but jude is the only one who makes me feel safe enough to express my emotions through my songs 😁 i looooovvveee him and am NOT 🙅‍♀️ breaking up with him. he is stuck with me forever💞

‘the alchemy’ is YOURS tonight at midnight 💓

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user1 WHAT

user2 YOU CANT JUST DROP THIS ON US WTF

oliviarodrigo my girl💞💞 i’m so so soooo excited😭

user3 GIRL I KNOW YOU DIDNT JUST CALL THE ALBUM ‘the alchemy’ FOR NO REASON. WHERE TF IS THE TITLE TRACK I KNOW YOUVE GOT HER SOMEWHERE

youruser jude and i love the alchemy the most out of all the songs and wanna keep her just ours for a little bit longer but maybe if you guys enjoy these songs i’ll let you have my baby

user4 YNAJDKJSKDKDIS

user5 WHATTTT songs did she not let jude hear omfg i need to know

youruser he’s heard them all except for daylight, paper rings & so high school lollll

judebellingham refreshing my spotify every minute til midnight you guys don’t understand she’s kept these songs in a VAULT

user6 jude i know you love spotify but apple music get new music 10 minutes early xxx

judebellingham just made an apple music account

user7 TEN MINS TIL THE ALBUM OF THE YEAR DROPS

taylorswift so so proud of you beautiful 🩷🩷

judebellingham I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH

judebellingham putting ALLLL of these on the pre-game playlist

youruser babe idk if some of these will pump you up before a game

judebellingham hearing your voice will pump me up idc how sad the song is xx

user8 why’s no one talking about how she’s in UNIVERSITY and dropped a FIFTEEN song album like …??? she’s INSANE. WHERE did she find the TIMEEE

user9 not to mention she lives with him in madrid and does school online coz her uni is in the uk

user10 she’s insane i don’t understand how😭😭

imessages !

instagram !

youruser just posted to their close friends story.

twitter !

instagram !

liked by judebellingham, trentarnold66, and others

youruser surprised my fav person in the uk for his england game and he scored for me 😆🩵🩵

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user1 she wrote “you know how to ball” and he said “yeah” then scored a goal and did a celebration for her😭

user2 zoom in on pic 6 and you’ll see me laying on the road waiting to be run over

judbellingham ‘unemployed girlfriend’ but you’re the greatest singer on earth while also doing online uni full time and you still make time to be able to come see me

youruser it’s coz i love you so so bad

jobebellingham you make me sick

youruser i love u too jobeyyyyyy

england our favourite visitor💙💙

user3 how does she do all this whilst going to uni😭😭😭

oliviarodrigo 💖💖💖

judebellingham I LOVVVEEEE YOUUUUU

user4 i NEED the top in pic 8 where is it from

youruser i found it on depop and HAD to buy it😭😭 i think someone made it x

chappellroan HOTTTTT (you not ur bf)

youruser I WOULD DIE FOR YOU MY WIFE💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓

user5 i don’t understand how you write sad songs like the ones on your album if ur ‘in love with jude’

user6 jude deserves better than someone who’s so caught up on and still writes songs about her exes

user7 WHYS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THE LYRICS SHE POSTED ON TWITTER IM GOJNG INSANE

user8 LITERALLY?/!;!!/;@:8@ LIKE ??????? “WHERES THE TROPHY? HE JUST COMES RUNNING OVER TO ME” IS SO JUDE CODED WHEN Y/N IS AT LITERALLY ANY OF HIS GAMES

user7 EXACTLYYYYY HE ALWAYSSS RUNS TO HER IMMEDIATELY AFTER HES ALLOWED TO DO HIS OWN THING. ITS FUCKING ADORABLE

user8 IM SO GLAD SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS ME

user7 were both insane let’s get married

user8 dm me right now wife

youruser liked the comments in this thread

imessages !

instagram !

liked by taylorswift, jobebellingham, and others

youruser lol little life update coz i’ve been m.i.a. for the last almost two months. 1: i went blonde again. 2: my man still as fine as ever. 3: got engaged or whatever lol. 4: slaying up exams. 5: i miss tour so i decided imma come back and see you all soon 🤭🤭 tour dates soon <3

ps in honour of becoming fiance or whatever🤗 the alchemy and 4 other songs are yours on the deluxe version of ‘the alchemy’ ,, out tonight !!!

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user1 WHAT THE FUCK

user2 GIRL LET US BREATHE

harrykane juudddeeeeee!!! congrats🥳❤️

declanrice mr bellingham that is a ROCK

user3 SHE DISAPPEARED FOR TWO MONTHS AND THEN CAME BACK AND DROPPED ALL OF RHAT ON HS

gracieabrams OMG WIFE IS GONNA BE A WIFE

user4 BLONDE YN IS BACK AND SHES A FIANCÉ OH MY GOD

judebellingham WIFE WIFE WIFE‼️‼️‼️

youruser not yet my love but so close🥰

judebellingham I CANT HEAR YOU MY WIFE IS AN ACADEMIC AND LYRICAL GENIUS

user5 she’s still writing break up and sad songs whilst engaged… so weird

user6 yeah and jude helps her,, he must be so disgusted right? seriously get a life and go touch grass

taylorswift so so happy for you 💓💓

youruser 🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶 i love you

user7 TOUR TOUR TOUR TOUR TOUR

england juddeeeeee💙 sooo happy for you two

trentarnold ❤️❤️❤️

user8 how girl just gonna casually drop a ENGAGEMENT announcement in the middle of a photo dump

user9 REALLLL LIKE THATS A BIG ASS RING TOO

noahkahanmusic YESSSSS🤍🤍🤍🤍

user10 HOWWWW is miss girl gonna find time in her schedule to do uni, make music, keep a healthy relationship, AND TOUR

judebellingham mrs*

my other works !

[pressureplus]

HEYA HELLO HI

first, i want to genuinely thank you guys for the account's existence and your hard work. reading through the posts is often the highlight of my bleak days, and im immensely grateful for you providing those moments of joy :]

SECOND UH ID LIKE TO ORDER A SPECIFIC KINDA HEADCANONS LIST IF NO ONE MINDS AND IT HASN'T BEEN WRITTEN ALREADY ALRIGHT YEAH

a nonbinary reader who is pretty similar to Seb's stubborn, independent and sassy persona but WOMP WOMP, they're suddenly head over heels for him. NEITHER WANTS TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE FEELINGS (aka "HE'S FUCKING MARRIED, IT'S NOT MUTUAL AND IM BUSY WITH NOT DYING, BUT I CANT GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD" & "I HAVE A WIFE AND THEY'RE JUST SOME EXPENDABLE BASTARD, GET OVER IT, SOLACE"). the distracting, unnecessary, painful pining. how do both cope and who's gonna break first? and most importantly, is either gonna throw their ego and rationality out the window to confess despite the fear of looking pathetic?

oooof i hope it's not too much and it's not breaking any rules. thank you in advance if you find it interesting enough for writing! :D

Awww, thanks so much! Although I should make it very clear the wife in question will remain vague and is NOT BASED ON ANYONE! Thanks for the request ❤️

♡Married! Sebastian Solace x NB! Similar! Reader Headcannons♡

Warnings: Sebastian is Married and Y/N is technically an Affair Partner

◞꒷◟ ͜ ͜ ◞ྀི◟୨୧◞ྀི◟ ͜ ͜ ◞꒷◟◞꒷◟ ͜ ͜ ◞ྀི◟୨୧◞ྀི◟ ͜ ͜ ◞꒷◟

He had found you interesting from the moment you opened your mouth and got sassy with him, mostly because most people don't have the balls to do it

Despite finding this slightly irritating, he also found it refreshing, so he didn't immediately shoot you if only for his own entertainment

A terrible mistake he'd soon find out

He developed some definitely unhealthy feelings the first time one of your comebacks had an almost flirtatious undertone

It was an accident on your part, but it got him thinking

He was a married man fawning quietly over you, how awful is that?

I mean of course he’s flashed the wedding band, and of course he's mentioned his wife when others flirt with him, but that doesn't change his feelings

If you flirted with him, would he really reject you?

Could he?

He hadn't known the touch of his wife in years, the softness of her hands, the warmth of her kisses

After everything that's happened he couldn't even remember her name. He should be able to remember his wifes name right?

Does he really even care about her? Does he love her now? Did he love her then?

It comes with an odd sense of guilt he doesn't like to look at. Especially when you do something that makes his heart flutter.

You, on the other hand, probably didn't develop any real feelings until he actually saved your ass.

You'd been running for your life and he’d snatched you up and into the vents, tossing you easily into his shop and shutting it behind you

His gaze transfixed on said vent, a hand on his gun. Something about him choosing to save your life while also putting up with your attitude was a little attractive…

Okay, insanely attractive

Sure, Sebastian’s guilt for being attracted to you is bad, but so is yours

You’re attracted to a married man who has absolutely gushed about his wife in front of you before. Even if it was only because someone tried to get a little flirty, what does that matter?

Honestly the mutual attraction makes it hard for you both to focus

Everything about that man is intoxicating, his smile, his laugh, his attitude. Can you really be judged for this?

Neither of you can focus on anything but each other whenever you’re both in a room.

It’s led to Sebastian getting surprised whenever another person buys something off him because he had no idea anyone else was in here

Its also led to you freaking out whenever one of the other expendable touches your shoulder without you having realized anyone was standing behind you

You hide it well…at least you hope you do?

The longing glances and quiet staring on both sides is unbearable though

Especially considering you’re both making those dolly eyes at each other, batting lashes and daydreaming

It’s cute but it’s also incredibly wrong of you two and you’re painfully aware of it

No amount of sharing food and acting like it’s not a date will make it less of a date

He’s already long since decided that he’s going to offer you come with him so you both can leave together

And though neither of you will have the heart to confess for quite a while, I think he’d do it on your way out. Something about you almost dying when you both escape makes him desperate to tell you how he really feels

When that ‘I think I’m in love with you’ slips out while he’s bandaging your arm that’s been cut by glass, how can you refuse?

Especially when you’re in love with him too?

He’ll toss that ring into the ocean once you reach the surface, his wife never loved him like you did anyway

[villainartist]

financial aid needed desperately!!!

hello, i hate that my life has come to this! let me explain my situation: ive been unsuccessfully trying to establish a life in las vegas for 7 months now, and it hasnt been working out. ive had to move into three different houses while ive been out here due to the fact i cannot keep a job long enough to pay my rent at a stable rate. every job ive gotten out here in vegas has typically resulted in poor management, poor scheduling, and quiet firings— they simply stopped scheduling me. i panicked and applied for new jobs immediately, but with the way this world works, they always take their sweet time getting back to you.

ive been trying desperately to hold onto a job for more than two months, but it seems some insane thing out of my control has to happen and throws a wrench in it. my first living situation was with an irresponsible, messy, rude landlord that i had to share a small apartment with. my second living situation was renting a room with four other people in one house, and one of my roommates suddenly got violent one day and screamed at me threatening to hurt me because there was a grain of rice left on the stove, so i had to move quickly. my third and current (soon to be former) situation i was rushed into, moving into an empty room in my landlords house. the rent was too much for me to handle and i cannot pay rent for this month, and im being threatened with eviction. ive been in california for the past week because i managed to get some on-call work out here, but now im essentially stuck here with no clue on what to do next.

i dont know whats wrong with me! ive been able to hold jobs for a whole year, but las vegas has been an utterly miserable, dehumanizing experience. i cant take it anymore. i need ANY sort of help, ANY amount of money to prevent me from going homeless by the end of this month. i dont mean to break out any “buzzwords” here but i am a transgender undiagnosed autistic and morbidly depressed 23 year old who desperately needs some sort of financial and home stability so i have a decent enouh mental health to keep a job. im deathly afraid of becoming homeless, living in my car. there’s not a single person in my life who’s willing to take me in, even if they have empty guest rooms. ive officially become THE black sheep of my family for my constant fuck-ups. they dont want anything to do with me.

for financial aid, here are my venmo and paypal. all donations go straight to my savings account for the sake of rent.

i currently only have 440 in my account (still 200+ short of my rent, and even then, my landlord wants me out and will not talk to me about it further, so i need to find somewhere else to stay.)

venmo

paypal

if you’re in the las vegas area, PLEASE, please reach out to me (usagilaxia@gmail.com) and let me know if you know anyone or anywhere that has rooms for rent, preferably with the maximum being $500-600 a month, i cant go any higher.

that is all for now and thank you so much even for just reading this. i will make sure to reblog with any updates.

[oukabarsburgblr]

Oukaaaaaaaaaa youre one of the best writers here in tumblr for me, youre one of the awesome blogs that introduced me to the world of oc x reader and now i CANT live without your fics. Always made me sad that you seem not always confident with your writings because WHATTT DONT FEEL LIKE THAG BB personally i dont think your writings r bad but as a writer i also can feel that feeling where u feel its not enough BUT NAHH DONT TRUST IT YOU ROCK BROO. Write w your own pace, september will be a fun month especially with your fics releasing (im excited w the loreee) but if you think youll need extra time or maybe few rest get it girl 🥺

I just scrolled on your accounts to see how ya doin and seeing some comments you made make me want to just appreciate you for a moment. Sorry if it come as a ramble but BROSKI UR THE COOLEST DONT FORGET AND HAVE FUN!!!!!!! TAKE CARE TOO

I read this like five times all day bc i didnt realise how degrading i was to myself😭😭 thank you so muchhh. My writing has definitely decreased in quality haha im aware of that and i want to repair it as well hshshsh but tqsmmm I like ocs bc i cant go as freely with existing characters and sometimes ocs in tumblr mostly feel like a template so i thot of making my own hshhssh.

My biggest issue w myself is that urm people only know me for my smut😭😭 i get its good, and ik its good too but it made me a bit sad every time ppl just rq that stuff like noooo🥹 what abt feelings hahhaha but tqsmmmmm (and i appreciate that u put bro and girl love u🫶🏻)

And abt that september thing, the fics wont be as lengthy as the consort au or the official release deffo, itll probably be like max 7k since i want to release at least 10 of em this sept hahshhaha see yall then❤️❤️

[mara-and-its-the-same]

There is nothing like staying at home, for real comfort 🌷- pick a character or a few and come up with a prompt and I’ll write a fluff blurb <3

hi hi can u do robin buckley and her asking u to go out with her (which u assume is just as friends) but then she confesses to u on the date and it's just super cute

this is so awkward why cant i phrase things normally

Eeeeeeee thank you, I love you, this has been sitting in my docs for forever but you're finally back so it can finally see the light of day!!!

a/n: ummm to many princess bride references but I love it more than anything soooooo i'll reference it til I die <3 wc:2.4k Also, like, hardly proofread :( but I hope you like it <3 (you're an amazing friend and everyday I'm so grateful for you sara)

“Steve,” Robin rushed behind the counter and kept her back to the edge, a poor attempt to not be recognized. “Steve, Steve, Steve, please, I beg, I can’t do it. You have to help me. When do I ask you for anything?”

“Literally every day.”

“Steve, please, literally I am asking you to help the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen and you’re saying no.”

“I still don’t understand why you can’t talk to her.”

“Why can’t I talk to her?!” She looked around frantically trying to find you, making sure you weren’t close enough to hear her panicking. “Jesus Christ! Have you met me?! I’m a disaster. Last time I talked to her, I couldn’t stop!”

“I remember, Keith got all bent out of shape cus you left a line of 3 people.”

“Heh, yeah,” she agreed with a sarcastic laugh. “Also, I was saying so many things even I couldn’t keep up. It was horrible. It was so bad, I—” Steve turned her around by the shoulder and you smiled at her and held up the VHS in your hands. She finished the other half of the rotation and stopped Steve from running off to the back. “You cannot leave me alone, please, I beg of you,” she mouthed.

He twirled his finger around in the air, meaning ‘turn around,’ and pushed the swinging door open with his back, mouthing “Do it”. Leaving Robin to her own devices indefinitely.

“Hi, um, just this.” You put The Princess Bride on the counter. The 5th time you’ve rented it in 6 months (which she definitely knows from the records on your account and definitely not because she’s been keeping a mental note of everything you like. That’d be ridiculous).

“You really like this one.”

Your eyebrows kind of twitched in a way that made her regret so much as breathing wrong around you, but it vanished before she got the chance to grovel for forgiveness. “Yeah, uh, I really like it.”

She doesn’t even need to ask for your phone number anymore. It’s been on constant repeat in her mind since last Saturday and every Saturday before that. “And your phone number?” But she thought it’d be weird, too forward for you to know she knew it by heart.

“You don’t know it by now?” You raised an eyebrow and she gave you a half smile. She typed it in faster than you could watch her fingers to make sure she got it right, and the lack of hesitation did not go unnoticed by you. She really knew it.

“Uh, did you know…while they were filming, Andre the Giant needed an ATV to get around set since it was like, up on a big hill?” She asked while you counted out the change. She didn’t even want exact change. She’d put up with it. She’d make 97 cents for you, even though they’re fresh out of dimes.

“I did know that. Did you know Cary Elwes broke his toe on said ATV?”

“I did not. How’d he manage that?”

“His foot got caught on the petal and I guess it was enough to break his toe.”

“Oh wow.”

“Sorry, it’s uh, a little over.” Your fingers brushed her palm as you handed her the coins.

“Thank you,” she whispered and you felt the chill of her hand, but you wanted nothing more than to warm them in yours and never let go. She never counted change so fast, just to get to give it to you faster; for your fingertips to brush again. “Um, heh–“ she cut herself off for fear of further embarrassment.

“Sorry?”

“What?”

“You were saying something.”

“Yeah, it was dumb. I don’t–“

“It’s not dumb.”

“Yeah?”

“Now I’m curious so you kind of have to tell me now.”

“I suppose I do then. Do you want–” she huffed and started over. “Are you doing anything Thursday night?”

“I’m working til 6, but I’m free after that.”

“Yeah, at the- the arcade.”

“The arcade, yes. But what were you thinking?”

“Hm?”

“You asked if I was busy, was that just out of curiosity or did you want to go out?”

“Go out?”

“Is that a question?”

Robin just then noticed how close both of you were leaning on the counter. “Um, heh,” she cleared her throat with an awkward laugh. “They're having a special showing, at the drive in, just a town over, and uh, I was wondering if you–If you’d wanna go with me?”

“I’d love to, but I don’t have a car, my brother has it that day.”

“I don’t either.”

“My brother usually picks me up, we get off work at the same time so he could just drive me over to yours and we can figure out something else?”

“If you really want to go, we should go. I really want to take you.” You both smiled brighter than the sun at that. But then Robin had to go and have the worst idea of her life. Worse than following a middle schooler into a secret Russian bunker. “Maybe, uh, Steve could drive us?” She definitely saw the way both corners of your mouth dropped, but you were quick to pick them back up.

“Yeah, yeah. That’s uh, that’d be great. Pick me up at 6:15, yeah? Give me a chance to get ready and then we’ll go?” Robin nodded, mortified, dying on the inside, how could she be such an idiot. You spoke while walking backwards towards the door, “Great, you have my number. Give me a call if anything changes.” You never speed walked to the car. You didn’t even have the chance to turn the key in before you were throwing your head back against the rest. “Fuck, fuck, fuuuck,” then you realized you walked out empty handed. No tape in sight. “Goddamn it.” You were not going back in there.

***

“Oooohhh, is somebody ready for their big date?” Cecelia, your coworker, walked into the bathroom where you were checking your eyeliner in the mirror.

“It’s not a date.”

“The drive in with Steve ‘the Hair’ Harrington? Sounds like a date to me.”

“He’s just dropping us off.” You so, so, so carefully fixed a flake of mascara without messing up the rest of the look.

“Oh, so you’re going with someone else?” Cecelia leaned her back against the small cabinet diagonal from the 2 stalls. “Tell me everything.”

“You know the girl he works with, Robin?” She cocked her head. “Buckley?” Still nothing. “Dirty blonde, in the marching band, plays the trumpet, took AP Spanish freshman year? It was a whole thing.”

“Oh her. Yes, yes, I know her…You’re going on a date with her?”

“Well, I was kinda hoping yeah, but now she’s having Steve drive us ‘cause neither of us have a car, so now I just don’t know.”

“But you want it to be a date?” She stepped up to you and licked her thumb to fix your lipstick.

“Yeah.”

“Then kick him out. Make him fetch you guys some drinks, some popcorn. Tell him to see how many numbers he can get before the Fire Swamp.”

“They’re like a bonded pair! I can’t just separate them like that.”

“You can and you must.” And then she checked her watch. “Better watch it, Sappho. You’re cuttin it close. All that yearning is gonna make you late.”

“Fuuuuckkk.” You groaned then practically ran out the door.

Right out the door and right into Robin.

“Hi,” you smiled regardless of the disappointment in the lack of romantic undertones. You smiled big, and so did she, like your faces didn’t know how to do anything else when you looked at each other.

“Hi, how– how are you? I didn’t mean to scare you, they told me you’d be back here and I didn’t want to seem like a jerk and wait in the car for you to come out because that’d be– that’d be pretty, really shitty. And… yeah, how are you?” You were surprised she didn’t run out of breath, she hasn’t run herself out like that to you in a while. She hasn’t been nervous around you like that in a while.

“I’m good, better now that you’re here. How are you?”

“Good, really good. It starts at 7 but we should get going now if you want a good spot.”

“Yeah, that’d be great.”

“Perfect…I, uh, I hope you don’t mind, Steve brought Max and El, the boys had a campaign and they were all bored.”

Everything she says makes this less and less of a date. Whatever, doesn’t matter, you’ll take her in whatever way you can get her.

“No, that's ok. They’re cool.”

“The coolest.” She offered you her arm which you gladly took.

You’d known each other for months, why did it feel like you didn’t know what to do with each other.

“Hey, how’s it goin?” Steve asked when he got out to open the back door for both of you.

“Good, pretty good. I’m excited for tonight.”

“Good. I should warn you, me and the kids–” “We’re not kids.” “ –will probably be taking off early, Max wants to go look at some supernatural museum she found nearby, but we’ll definitely be back to pick you guys up. It’s a pretty short walk.”

“We have to walk there?!” Max asked with enough attitude to rival Mike’s. Steve gave her a look paired with a sharp nod trying to get her into the front seat. Trying his hardest to be a good wingman.

She shook her head and mouthed fine, then El took the middle seat and Max did the same head nod with her to get her to one side. Robin slid in first to take the middle and you got the seat next to her.

It was a fun ride, Steve and the girls were at their funniest, doing their best to paint Robin in only the most complimenting light. You got the perfect spot. Not too close to the front or back, the perfect distance to see the whole screen but not have it in your face and the concession stand was far enough that it was a walk but there’d be none of it’s traffic buzzing around you.

Somehow, Robin convinced you to stay behind and fix the radio to the right frequency while Steve took her to get a pep talk drinks and popcorn before he left.

“You’re gonna be fine. You were great in the car.”

“Steve, no, listen to me, I cannot do this alone. You cannot leave me.”

“Robin, listen to me. Ok? The whole time in the car she was smiling, she’s having a great time. She really likes you. You feel that electricity?”

“What?”

“The electricity? Between you guys, it’s like off the charts. You got this, man. You’re fine.” He put a hand on her shoulder and El handed her the massive popcorn from one side and Max gave her the extra large slushy with two straws from the other. Then they both gave her big smiles and two thumbs up.

“You got this,” El said and Max gave her another pat on the shoulder and off she went.

You had just got the radio right when you saw her coming down the row of cars. Clearly, her hands were overfull so just as she came up to the car you opened the door and oh fuck.

In a flash of blue, slushie was all over. All over Robin, that is. “Oh thank god none of it got in the car.” She gasped, though her lips were on their way to turning just as blue.

“Robin, no, what about you?!” The urgency was enough to pull you over the center console rather than out the door and around the front to brush off the few pieces that clumped together. “Are you ok?! I don’t care about the car. I’m so sorry, my depth perception has been so messed up from staring at the computer all day, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I was– I wasn’t thinking.”

“I don’t think that’s how that works,” she mumbled.

“Come on, let’s go change.” You started pulling her in the direction of the bathrooms.

“Into what, I’m soaked.”

“Yeah and if you don’t get into something dry; like my sweatshirt that I promise you I don’t need before you try and tell me I’ll be cold; you’ll freeze.”

“I really don’t– You don’t have to.”

“Yes, I do. Come on.”

You took her into the family one, the big clean one right in the center of all the rest. “Here.” You pulled off the big, fluffy, crew neck and she thought she’d drop dead when she caught sight of the way your shirt rose up the slightest bit. You held it out to her and it took her a second to remember that she wasn’t dreaming.

“Thank you,” and leave it to Robin Buckley to say the dumbest joke at the worst moment. Just as she was about to pull her soaked shirt over her head, “Wow, and here I was thinking we’d get to at least a third date before you got me in such a compromising position.” She said with an unforced laugh at the end with her head still deep inside her sweatshirt so she didn’t see the feature film that was your face trying to figure out what she meant.

“This is a date?”

Really catching her off guard while she’s pulling a soaked bra, now probably stained blue, out of the sleeve.

“Uh, did you– I just– I thought–” She tried to go for the door but you caught her eye.

“I want it to be.”

“You do?”

“I’ve been tearing myself up all week ‘cause I wasn’t sure. But I really wanted it to be. So,, is it?”

She nodded fervently, “Yes, yeah, absolutely.”

“Good, so uh, do you maybe wanna go get some hot chocolates instead and we can take that blanket Steve was trying to be sneaky about and cuddle in the back seat?”

“As you wish.”

Thank you so much for reading, I hope you liked it and if you did I'd love to hear what you think <3 Comments and reblogs mean the world to me 💕💕💕 Support your creators babes

[confessions-official]

TW for obsession, stalking, abuse mention, murder/assault mention

im stalking my past stalker.

(summarized retelling) a couple years back, i had a friend who would stalk me and was obsessed with me. he was abusive, manipulative, unpredictable, and would constantly threaten my friends and i. he brought knives to school on two separate occasions and tried to kill my at-the-time girlfriend. due to nearly identical class schedules, i felt incredibly unsafe and walked on eggshells on a daily basis. he was very easy to provoke. i have diagnosed PTSD from everything that happened with him. after everything, he enrolled in online school and i have not seen him in person in 2 years.

recently, it came to my attention that he will be coming back to school in person full time. this knowledge has caused me to heavily spiral, with nightmares about him practically every other night. he consumes my every waking thought. the only thing that has been able to ease my nerves and make me feel in control of the situation is stalking him. every day, several times a day, i check his social media accounts just in case he updates them. he is very active on pinterest, so i check every time he updates his boards or posts a new pin. the other day, he posted a picture of himself in a classroom. i knew it was at my school.

i think this is where i went too far. online stalking is relatively harmless, but i took it a step up. during my lunch period, i walked through every single hallway and opened every single classroom door of my entire school to find the room that the picture was taken it. i thought that i found it, but the teacher in the room began questioning me, so i was unable to investigate further. i decided it wasnt enough for me. i snuck into the guidance office and went on a guidance counselors computer. i looked up his last name and found all of his scheduling information. i wrote the schedule messily on a sticky note, before booking it out of the guidance office. now, i know where he is at every time of every day. it makes me feel safe knowing i can reliably avoid him now.

ive realized that im doing the exact same thing to him as he was doing to me. im stalking him, and to a much greater extent than he ever stalked me. im obsessed with him. he is the only thing ever on my mind. i am in a constant triggered state with all this information i work so hard to dig up. does this put me at the same level as him? on one hand, obsession is obsession. on the other, he was obsessed with me romantically, whereas my obsession with him stems from... like... an obsession with avoiding him. i want to know everything about him so that i can make sure we never cross paths again. if it were a different situation, i could easily use this information to track him down. but im specifically using it so i can plan where ill be at what times to avoid seeing him.

things have escalated a bit, though. through the course of this, ive been searching for all the little gifts he would give me. holding these things in my hands brings me a very strange sense of comfort. its weird, because im literslly scared shitless of him and he was abusive to me. despite everything, its so soothing to hold something and know that he held it at one point, too. i cant explain it, and i know its contradictory and irrational. part of me wishes i could just go through all his belongings and take them for my own. i just wish i could take his clothes, just to be able to smell him. i forgot what he smelled like and i just wish i could remember. i wish i could wear his jewelry. i cant comprehend this strange attachment i have to him, paired simultaneously with my intense need to be as far away from him as possible. i dont know.

i know that this post is very long. i just needed to get this out somewhere. thank you to anyone who read to the end.

 

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hey. I’m not sure if i need advice or if i just need to vent but i’m pretty angry and you’re really good at listening to random people talk abt their problems. (Sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes)

So i had to to work the evening shift both days this weekend, and because of my particular brand of anxiety, i cant really do anything leading up to my shift. Like i get super nervous that i’m going to forget abt my shift if i do anything other than scroll through my phone or stare off into space. And then i found out that i’m also working the Monday and Tuesday after this weekend after school. At this point i’m pretty tired and knowing i wont even have a break after school is even worse. So, for my mental health I decided to skip school this Monday.

This is where the issue comes up. My mom was super against me skipping and we had a whole argument abt it. Basically i shouldn’t skip bc i’m “technically” truant, meaning i’ve skipped more than 11 days since school stared and they COULD either send me to court or have me pay a fine. Ik that sounds bad but they almost never send anyone to court or even make them pay any fines and most of my absences are from the first semester so i actually haven’t skipped in a while. Also half of those absences are my mom’s fault bc she forgot to email the school that i was sick or send them my doctors note which accounts for about 5 of my absences. And as long as one of my parents excuses the absence (which my dad is always willing to do) it doesn’t even count towards my truancy. When i tell her this she immediately pivots and says that well if she has to go to work then i have to go to school. Now i’ve always been really big on independence, i’m only an 18 year old senior in l Highschool but i KNOW thats bullshit, She works from home all the time and i was planning to do basically the same thing where i do the majority of my work at home and catch up on sleep until my work shift in the evening. So far this is pretty normal for my arguments about with her. Until i put my foot down and tell her that i’m old enough to have the right decide these types of things for myself and that i don’t think its fair for her to just decide for me. Usually she would relent but this time she threatened to CALL THE POLICE ON ME. I’m not exaggerating the escalation from a regular argument to a full screaming match was insane.

I was just so upset and it felt like she didn’t even see me as person who just needs a break sometimes. I was too scared to see if she would really call the police so i went to school. So, here i am silently fuming in class. I don’t even know if i’ll get through school with how mentally exhausted i am. Thats basically it. Just tell me if i’m in the wrong or over reacting or if i’m in the right. I’m such a mixture of angry and exhausted that none of this might make sense, but whatever. Thank you so much for listening.

Hi!!!

Well, I think there are separate parts to this:

Your mom isn't listening to your emotions. This happens a lot with parents, and it's frustrating. Even though she was making a valid point with the truancy, threatening to call the police and throwing her own (irrelevant) work in your face wasn't the way to do it. I've always wondered why parents think kids are going to listen if they aren't given the respect of the acknowledgement of their feelings.

The entire argument is difficult because, there are layers here. from what you're telling me, your mother is some of the reason you have some of these unexcused absences, because she hasn't done the paperwork. But I also am wondering, how can you even be considered truant if you're 18? And, at age 18, isn't it your decision? I'm confused on the laws here.

Given all of this...would I personally risk skipping school if I was risking truancy? Probably not. But I've always been afraid to get in trouble.

But I feel like that's not even the biggest issue. Can your mom not send the doctor notes to school to get some of your previous absences excused?

Also...the petty part of me is like...your mom is saying she has to go to work...but you have to go to work and school. so that's not an argument.

I feel like your mom didn't handle this well, to be honest. I know she's trying to prevent you from getting in trouble, but there were other ways to do it. I hope that makes sense?

Also, I hope work is going well! I'm naming you school anon.

[my-favourite-zhent]

New Tricks - Chapter 17

Status: Work In Progress Version: 1.01 Pairing: Rugan x AFAB!OC Rating: NC-17 (This chapter PG-13) Genre: Adventure/Romance Summary: Misadventures of Rugan and the original Zhentarim Gate's crew before and during the year of three sailing ships.

Notes: This one went through a few rewrites and I'm still not 100% happy with it but them's the breaks. As always thank you to @fistfuloftarenths and @dustdeepsea my kind-hearted beta readers who put up with my constant spam, much love you guys <3

Table of Contents

Read here on AO3 or below the cut~

Chapter Seventeen

Passage had been booked on the next ship to the Gate, which luckily—or unluckily if one hated sailing—was leaving at dawn the following day.

Bellar and Olly had since turned in for the night, but Rugan, who knew sleep wouldn't come easily to him, opted to not sleep at all. So he found himself at the Mug’s bar with Salazon. 

The pair had mused about Moonglow’s motives in their coded cant for a time, but neither had any good theories for what was coming out of Moonrise. Drugs mayhaps? Perhaps some new strain of Silk Root? Not something Harpers would care about surely.

When they had exhausted their theories Sal got around to what he had been truly curious about.

“How's Izzy then?”

“Still an excellent shag,” Rugan deflected. He wasn't yet drunk enough to be sharing with the wizard.

“I meant how does she fare?”

“So did I.”

“Unbelievable, girl nurses you back to health and that's the thanks she gets.”

“How did you think I thanked her?” Rugan replied with a rakish smile.

Sal sighed and shook his head. “Take it you're not gonna tell me what you fought about then.”

“Clever one you are.” There was an edge to Rugan's voice now.

“Clever enough to know that cloak of yours is enchanted. Did you know that? She must really like you, that poor fool girl.”

Rugan grimaced and downed the rest of his drink. The point of being at the bar was to not think about these things. Still his curiosity got the better of him.

“What is it then?”

“What's what?” Sal feigned ignorance.

“The damned enchantment, what's it for?”

“Going to have to buy me a few drinks before I give that up.”

Rugan huffed. “I know what you're doing, wizard, and it won't work.”

“We'll see.”

“Another ale for me,” Rugan said, lifting his hand as the bartender turned to him. “And whatever the hells the wizard wants.”

“No you don't,” interrupted Sal. “It'll be rum for the both of us.”

“Oh?” Rugan quirked his eyebrow at Sal, bemused. “Why, pray tell, is that?”

“Because I want to feel like shit tomorrow morning, and more importantly I want you to feel like shit tomorrow morning.”

“Petty bastard, we'll see. Rum it is.”

+++++

Rugan had been confident he could out drink Salazon with ease, but by the time they had finished the bottle he was beginning to wonder. 

He still felt in control of himself, a bit buzzed sure, slurring his words a little, and dropping others almost entirely. 

The wizard was much the same, dropping his haitches but seemingly holding it together, at least to Rugan’s eye.

“Considering she bought you that fancy cloak, you two must’ve made up.” Sal mused aloud.

“Suppose we did.”

“Then you apologised?”

“Well not in so many words…”

Sal clicked his tongue in disapproval, then shook his head with a laugh. “Taking into account what she said, I guess it’s better that you didn’t use your words.” 

Rugan paused mid sip to consider this, fingers tapping anxiously at his glass. “What did Iz say about me exactly?”

“Hmmm… something about you needing to hold your tongue or she was going to send you packing.” Sal had begun to chuckle before he saw Rugan’s solemn expression.

“I deserved that. Deserved worse than that.”

“Why did you fight with her in any case?”

“I don't know.” Rugan sighed, exasperated, pressing his palm to the bridge of his nose. “Because it was unprofessional to find myself in that position? Halfway to Myrkul’s embrace because I was too soft on the boy. Needing help I couldn't afford to pay back and could even less afford to refuse.”

Sal nodded sagely and patiently waited for Rugan to continue.

“Seen so many caught up by their debts, in Luskan, with Nine Fingers, or, hells, even with Zarys. Always swore that wouldn't be me. I'd work hard, be smart. Maybe I'd die in a ditch somewhere, but I wouldn't have debts, wouldn't be beholden to anyone.” 

The drink must've gone to his head. Spilling things to Sal he hadn't even dared to articulate in his own thoughts.

“Despite all that effort, all of Tymora's blessings, still wound up no better than the rest. But instead of some Zhentarim loan shark there it's Iz. It's Iz and she wouldn't tell me what she wanted in return.”

Sal laughed and shook his head. “You really have been Black Network too long, not everything is business.”

“Now what's that supposed to mean?” An edge to his voice.

“It means, she's in love with you, you bloody idiot.”

“This isn't some lonely barmaid we're talking about. It's one thing to want a bit of a rough with a Zhent, but a clever thing like her will have better suitors than me.”

“I’ve seen the way she looks at you,” Sal insisted. “Get the feeling if there are other suitors she's not looking at them like that.”

“Maybe I've been a Zhent too long, but I've a feeling you've not been one long enough. There's more practical things to consider.”

“So it's her coin, not her cleverness, that makes you doubt.” Sal could be too astute sometimes.

“Only thing that gets you anywhere.” Rugan agreed dejectedly.

“So, you think she's too good for you?”

“I didn't say she was too good for me.” Rugan narrowed his eyes in annoyance.

“But that's what you're thinking, going on about the coin.”

“That's the only thing that matters. Even if she's not some rich little prat like the rest of them, she could probably find one to bankroll her. What could she want from me?”

“Did I ever tell you how I got joined up?”

“Never cared to ask.”

“I was at Blackstaff Academy before all this. A proper wizarding university in Waterdeep.”

“You were?” He asked, incredulous. “Never told me that. Thought you were a hedge wizard.”

“Pretend I didn't hear that last bit, but yeah. How do you think I got stuck with you lot? Got a loan with Zhents out of Waterdeep for my studies, they shipped me down to the Gate, and Zarys has had her hooks in me ever since.”

“Thought an educated wizard would be too smart for that.” He gave an amused puff.

“They teach us spellcasting, not accounting.” Sal laughed.

Rugan thought on that a moment, if Izzy had finished her studies, gotten a Zhent loan to do so. Would they have worked together? What would that life have been like? 

But she hadn't. She wasn't beholden to the network like Sal.

“They're almost as cut-throat as the Zhents in academia. Though the stakes are a bit lower.” Sal continued.

Rugan snorted. “Doubt that.”

“It's true. Academic plagiarism, bribes, theft. Some bastard skewing the bell curve for class? Well maybe his hand gets broken the week before the test, and he has to sit out the semester. Compounding that, half the student body are nobles so you've got to manage their politics as well if you want to be able to find work once you graduate, if you graduate.”

“Mayhaps I've not given you wizards your proper due.” Rugan replied sarcastically.

“My point is,” Sal pressed on, ignoring the jab. “For all the shite I have to put up with being a Zhent, I like you lot far more than I liked most of my classmates. I wouldn’t be surprised if your girl has similar sentiments. And coin or no, there’s something to be said for actually liking the person you’re bedding.”

Rugan took a deep draught from his glass. He’d definitely had too much, he could tell because the wizard was almost sounding sensible.

“Of course.” Sal continued. “None of that really matters unless you actually want the girl.” “I do,” he replied solemnly.

Sal looked at him, glassy eyed and pensive for a moment. He then clapped him on that back causing Rugan to cough up his next drink. “Well then, you're fucked mate.”

“No shite.” Rugan grunted, wiping the dribble from his chin.

“I like you better when you drink. You’re more honest.”

“Well I don’t like it one bit.” Rugan huffed over his drink.

“It's protection by the way.”

“What is?”

“The charm on your cloak. Whole thing probably set her back eight-hundred wolves.”

“Fuck me,” Rugan breathed. Eight hundred gold pieces was damn near what he made in a year.

“Like I said, she's in love with you.”

Sal looked so smug then that Rugan would've clapped him at the back of his head if he wasn't busy considering his cloak. “Fuck me.” He repeated this time as a half-whisper. “Iz, you are a fool girl.”

+++++

Sal had fallen asleep at the bar, collapsed across the counter top. Rugan on the other hand had managed to remain conscious until Godswake. The hour when it was not yet dawn, but the sky brightened ever so slightly into that strange dreamy blue that reminded him of the sea, or a winter sunset back home in Luskan.

He shook the grumpy wizard awake just as Bellar and Olly descended the stairs. They made their way to the docks through the icy streets. Most folks were still asleep, and the city seemed to exist in a reverent silence, in awe of the coming dawn.

The light was growing stronger as they came down to the docks. While the rest of the city lay in sleep, the harbour was alive with the shouts of sailors and the cries of gulls. Deckhands hopped to their tasks as the various ships prepared to disembark. Out on the waves, Rugan could see there were already several fishing boats after the first catch of the day.

The party put their things down on the docks next to the caravel that was set to bring them back to the Gate. A still-groggy Sal draped himself over his pack and fell asleep right there in the open docks.

Rugan sighed and shook his head, hands on hips. Sal might've been able to sling a good fireball or two but his mercenary instincts left something to be desired.

Bellar sat back on the stack of crates behind the wizard. “I can watch Sal if’n you're wanting to stretch your legs before they're done loading up.”

“Aye, my thanks. C’mon then lad.” Rugan gestured to Olly with a nod of his head to the end of the long pier.

Olly hurried to follow Rugan down the length of the dock. When they reached the end, Rugan looked out over the sea and let out a deep sigh. His head still felt like it was pressed inside a vice but he had put the conversation off long enough.

“Know you didn't lose your cloak Olly.”

Behind him Olly flinched as if struck. Rugan looked back to regard him. “But if Zarys asks you, stick to that story no matter what and I will too. Understood?”

The boy nodded fervently. “Yes, Rugan.”

“You're a good lad and certainly a better recruit than I deserve. But you need to start looking out for yourself.

Again Olly nodded.

“Now I'm not saying to go around burning orphanages to keep warm. No sense in being cruel unless you're a twisted bastard like Bellar. And a bit of friendliness can get you far with the locals, as you well know. But you need to be more judicious in your generosity, and as it goes, just be less generous in general.”

“Right.”

Rugan stared at him hard. “I mean it, Olly, no one here is gonna catch a blade or an arrow for you. The time comes, you choose your skin over someone else's. Choose yourself, every time. Understood?”

“You caught a fever for me.” Olly winced at the resulting glare he got from that comment.

“And that was right stupid of me wasn't it? Don't make me backhand you, lad.” Rugan turned back towards the open sea. “Besides I wasn't meaning to catch a damn thing.”

Rugan closed his eyes and chose his next words with care. “The truth is, Olly, I've been meaning to have this chat with you for a long while now. Since before Crimmor—hells, should've had it before Waterdeep most likely.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because you're soft, Olly.”

“I don't flinch from the killing,” the boy replied defensively.

“No, but your little heart softens every time you see an urchin or hear someone cry for help.”

Olly turned away, teeth clenched in anger and embarrassment. “I'm not soft,” he muttered bitterly.

Rugan turned back to take measure of him. “I'm not saying you're cowardly, you're braver than most and if not, then you hide it well. But you're not as mean as the others. Like I said, you're a good lad. Probably be a Harper or Adventurer if you weren't so smart.”

“A Harper–” Olly's head had snapped back to glare indignantly.

“I said if you were more stupid. But you're not stupid, Olly, except when it comes to this.” Rugan let out a long sigh. “One day there's going to come a moment where the choice is between your life and someone else's. Not a Fist’s or a Harper’s, but a friend's or a civilian’s or some other Zhent. When that time comes, you need to be willing to step on that other person, choose to save yourself.”

“Even if it's you?”

“Especially if it's me.”

Olly held his gaze for a long agonising moment before asking, “Did you have to make that choice, Rugan?”

“Anyone that's been around as long as I have has made that decision more than once, lad.”

They both stood in silence until shouts from up the docks let them know it was about time to head back. Rugan sighed and turned fully before putting his hand on Olly's shoulder. “I'm not saying these things because I'm angry with you, though I was and rightly so. I'm saying these things because we're Zhents, we don't have the luxury of the moral high ground. Sometimes you can be right, or you can be a survivor, and that's it.”

Olly held his gaze and did not comment, though he looked like he wanted to. 

Rugan sighed before continuing with what he hoped was a bit of levity. “I like you, Olly, and I'd prefer you didn't die on me before you’ve at least grown your first chin hair.”

“I grow chin hairs just fine!” Olly replied indignantly, but based upon the ghosting of fuzz along his lip, Rugan had to wonder.

“That so? Well let me know when your balls drop then, lad. We'll take you out whoring.” Rugan clapped him once more on the back and started back towards the ship.

“There's nothing wrong with– they've already–” Olly stuttered behind him, hurrying to catch up.

+++++

When they finally arrived in the Gate a tenday later, Rugan was tempted to kiss the dock. His stomach had roiled and lurched the whole trip and the others had thought this the peak of comedy. 

Solid ground under his feet was such a relief that he forgot the report he would have to give Zarys upon their return to the warehouse. When at last she summoned him to her office, reality came crashing back down upon him.

He stood there now, a small dark room lit by a large window to his right—Zarys would never put it to her back—and a few wall sconces. There was a desk where Zarys was now seated, a chair for guests, not staff, and a roaring hearth. Considerably sparser than her office beneath Waukeen's Rest, but she rarely had duties over the winter. He had given her a full accounting of the fight with the Harpers, and she had seemed pleased with the outcome. Less pleased with other details.

“That's at least half a tenday you were out, Rugan,” Zarys said evenly. She always reserved yelling for giving orders, her sardonic tone alone conveyed her unhappiness well enough.

“I was laid up, not exactly out drinking and swiving.” He kept his own tone explanatory, accommodating. No sense getting defensive with the boss.

“The way Sal tells it, you were laid up with a pretty girl.” Rugan winced, of course Sal was too afraid of Zarys to omit anything.

“Now, I realise how that must look,” he held his hands up as if in mock surrender. “But the boys will tell you just the same that I wasn't even awake when they left me with her. And I left just as soon as I was well enough.” Unfortunately.

“Even so,” Zarys continued, “Shouldn't have been out in the first place.”

Rugan felt some relief, The boys must have already told her he was out cold, else she would've pressed him more about his stay in Crimmor.

She went on. “Just what do you think would've happened, Rugan, if the Harpers had struck before you returned?”

“Wouldn't have, they were waiting for me.”

“And if they got tired of waiting? If you hadn't gotten better? That would've left your team walking into a trap and down their senior officer.”

“I didn't plan on getting sick—”

“But you did give your cloak to the boy. Seems like the turn of events should've been clear even to one as thick as you.”

Rugan sighed. “I see what you're getting at Zarys, truly, but I had let him tough it out two days and nights like that already. Any longer and he would've been worse off than me.”

“Doubt that, he's near to half your age, can take a chill better, I'll bet.”

“Maybe. He's younger, I'll give you that, but I'm more used to the cold than any on the crew. You want the boy alive.”

“And I need my district manager alive.” Zarys replied sharply. It was a bigger admission than he was expecting and he didn't have a good response.

She didn't wait for him. "Rugan, next time why don't you make someone who's not a withered old bastard give up their cloak? Understood?”

“Perfectly.” That could've gone worse; it might be a better time than any to ask his question.

“You're dismissed.”

“Zarys, before I go…”

She looked at him steely eyed but didn't interrupt.

“Did you know the cargo was worthless?” He hadn't mentioned it till now, and the way she stiffened at the question he was confident he knew the answer.

“What you're permitted to know and what I'm permitted to know are two different things entirely.”

“You let us get set-up then?” He wasn't angry or even surprised but maybe a little disappointed.

“Let you? Do you think any other team I sent to Athkatla had a licensed wizard and my most senior officer?” She was wearing that vicious grin she wore when she was pleased with herself.

Rugan blinked in surprise. She hadn't been able to go against Roah’s orders, so she'd made her own play. Leave it to Zarys to have that sort of foresight.

“I knew there was a reason I recruited you.” Rugan grinned, and that seemed to steal her joy.

“Out of my office before I sic the wolves on you Rugan.” She turned back to the paperwork on her desk, and Rugan bowed low before taking his leave. Zarys was more sentimental than he'd thought.

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

Girl, im in the same boat as you. After the pandemic, things are finally starting to pick up pace for me and I began this year busier than ever. My twitter account was starting to collect dust and spiderwebs, and I said ok, perhaps this is it. It may be time for me to find a different hyper fixation or a new hobby. But these bitches saw me walking out the door and pulled me back in. See? Now this is why I got into kpop. It takes so little to make a woman's heart soften, and yet most days I had to sit through the most unhinged and boring drama ever. Listen, I just wanna be entertained, is that too much to ask?

Well, today it looks like my prayers have been answered. I woke up to some delicious baemin content. Loved that they showed us a little bit of the rehearsal, and have you seen how jimin talks to his hyung? I don't know how taeyang deals with the urge to pick him up and take him home. He's so strong and brave 🫡 then we finally got the live jimin has been promising since last year and i cant believe he keeps getting prettier and cuter every time i see him. How can a grown ass man be that cute and lovely? And he keeps talking about how much he's working and all the things he's preparing... honestly I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but really when it comes to jimin i cant help but get excited. And then, jk's weird ass back at it again! which i was especially glad for because I missed his live yesterday AND with the addition of jimin's comments?? he really got me feeling things ngl I was giggling and kicking my feet, I can't say I wouldn't pay them money just to see jimin tie jungkook's hair. I'm just a girl you know...

So yeah, just like that, I missed a good chunk of my morning looking for translations and staring at my phone like a dumbass. Maybe some other day i will find a more productive way to waste my time, but for now it looks like I'll stick around 😮‍💨

Girl!

We're having almost the same experience 👀

In my case, I don't need another hyper fixation or anything. I've had enough of such intensities since 2020, but as you said, mostly it's just witnessing mindless drama and the usual bullshit. And on top of that, in terms of the music and other content, what is there left for now? I've been through almost everything BTS. I'm not gonna write about the same thing until I get grey hair. Which means I'm left with paying attention to the solo projects. And since life's too short for me to spend time writing or watching what people do, especially if I don't care much about them, I'm left with the biases. Jungkook is on a break (those saying he's not getting work because the company doesn't offer him opportunities are simply demented) and the only one left is Jimin. And his solo work is starting to pick up and it's really the only relevant thing right now for me.

The problem is that it's become a habit. Keeping up to date through social media, which means that as much as I try to avoid it, I still have to see things and people against my own will and I'm too far into this thing and in my life in order to pretend that I still want to pay attention and write about it. I mean, lately I've made my position even clearer than it was before because it just doesn't matter at the end of the day. I'm in a speeding train caught on fire and at some point I will have to jump. Because I know what awaits me out there. Instead of reading and debating daily fandom bullshit, I can dedicate more of my time to watching films and pick up my dusty books from the library, knowing that there's no way I can be as disappointed as I feel after 2 hours in bts/fandom spaces. I need that dose in order to remind myself that there are things that bring me joy and I don't have to witness stupid people writing nonsense on twitter.

I also have fun here, with its ups and downs. But there's the risk of becoming repetitive and that's the death of passion. No thank you.

And then there's days like this in which it's fun again, starting with that performance rehearsal and ending it so nicely. I missed it. Like you said, I want to be entertained. That's all. And that includes everything, from frivolous aspects like watching JK eat chicken on a vlive, to a song release, a Fashion Week appearance or putting out a fascinating portfolio.

[golbrocklovely]

since i have nothing else to post right now…

here’s the last of colby’s tweets from 2020.

i don’t have proof that these are his tweets, but believe me, they are his.

if it’s bold and italicized, it’s someone’s tweet to him.

if it’s in (), that’s just me commenting lol

added bonus: if they have a * next to them, that means it’s been deleted

~~~~~~~~~~

Oct. 1 - love doing things for myself

Oct. 4 - i’m in so much pain. sos

fan: u ok?

poison oak. everywhere …. everywhere.

Oct. 5 - i like the simple things

Oct. 7 - less is more

Oct. 10 - i wanna make you happy

how am i so busy during the day but still manage to find 2 hours to mindlessly scroll through tik tok? i can’t be the only one

Oct. 14 - i care too much

Oct. 15 - somehow it wasn’t enough

Oct. 18 - fan: I CANT BE THE ONLY ONE WHO ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT COLBY SMELLED LIKE..I WANA KNOW WHAT COLOGNE HE WEARS

mayonnaise

(i hate this man so much lmao)

Oct. 19 - Justin Bieber’s new song made me tear up, that dudes been through so much. no one could even imagine what that’s like.. achieving everything and being in the biggest spotlight at such a young age.

Oct. 20 - @/samgolbach: less than 6 months ago i broke my back. and i decided to take that as a challenge to get healthy again. and today i ran the fastest mile i’ve ever run. so yes, i might be an idiot but i’m a determined idiot 🤘🏼🏃🏼

🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼 that’s an insane accomplishment ! i remember when it was a struggle to stand up out of bed

new day, same cycle

Oct. 21 - my mom is texting me all the young pictures of me and it’s bringing me memories i didn’t know i had

Oct. 25 - panic attacks late at night are the worst

Nov. 1 - @/colbybrockscar: reminder that it’s no nut November!!! @/ColbyBrock doesn’t even have to try. He’s got this shit in the bag. It probs comes out like baby powder if he tries

did my car just roast me ?

Nov. 4 - this is scary

cuties! all 3 of you! (reply to fan in merch with friend and cat)

Nov. 6 - @/GracynCarr: I can’t believe the audacity of a high school tweet to pop up on my timeline lmao.. miss u tho @/ColbyBrock :)

hope you're well xx

Nov. 8 - so much talent thank youu love (reply to fan's art)

fan: Um. So I tweeted this to you before but alot has also changed since then sooo wanted to say thank you 🖤 🖤 @/ColbyBrock

proud of you, and good luck with your dreams darlin 🖤 you can accomplish anything with the right mindset and hard work. i believe in ya

time flies, and i’m so scared of losing my youth. it’s inevitable i know, but damn makes you wanna cherish every moment you got

Nov. 11 - i hate when nothing is wrong but nothing feels right

Nov. 12 - the person who makes you forget about the rest of the world

Nov. 13 - today marks 6 years since we posted our first YT video on the MAIN S&C account .. 🖤 what a wild ride

Nov. 14 - promise you i’m a good waste of time

Nov. 15 - @/katstuartmusic: “sunday is my funday” - colby brock 2020

🥂💁🏻‍♂️💁🏻‍♂️

fan: Colby u get drunk off of one white claw

fight me

other fan: my money is on mags

round house kicks to the face don’t feel too good

(is it bad that i like when colby gets weirdly violent with us sksksks)

Nov. 16 - the Why Dont We dudes are some of the nicest people in LA

*Nov. 17 - @/gabytriana: It’s out! Sam and Colby were so much fun to work with, and despite what Colby said, I did not hate him when we first met! 😆 Both he and Sam are super kind, smart, generous entertainers who know how to tell a good story! I love them both!! Happy Book Birthday, @/samandcolby

hahaha thank youu so much for all the hard work ! so excited it’s finally here

(interestingly enough, colby didn't delete his tweet… gaby did)

Nov. 19 - went to a Pyschic Reader tonight. my mind is blown. im not a skeptic anymore, video coming tomorrow

fan: Get ready for religious people to freak out

the psychic i talked to was religious, i’m not sure how but i think the two concepts can exist at the same time

Nov. 21 - hard to trust

fan: @/ColbyBrock hey, i love u lots

love you 🖤

Nov. 23 - fan: imagine if @/ColbyBrock responded to this

could you imagine

Nov. 24 - fan: lmao okay so my friend put this together when I FINALLY received Colby's reaper merch yesterday and I had to laugh, I am actually stupid. But I thought it was a lil funny so y'all can see it too then xx

hahahha love it. thank you. you’re not a sack of potatoes in my eyes

Nov. 27 - happy b day @/SamGolbach you know this and imma save the sappy shit for your big 25th bday but i wouldn’t be here without you. you’re the most intelligent, deep thinking dude i’ve ever met and i feel pretty damn lucky to be able to call you a business partner AND best friend

Nov. 28 - take it easy

Nov. 30 - should i hop back on tik tok?

Dec. 2 - @/aaron_doh: At least I got a photo shoot out of it 😄

whaaat. dude i wish you a speedy recovery

Dec. 3 - it’s hard to move on

Dec. 5 - a nice escape is all i need

welp. i guess i’m a lightweight

Dec. 9 - miss you

Dec. 14 - all the baggage that comes with me

Dec. 15 - been workin hard for you , announcement tomorrow

fan: omg are you pregaganant

how'd you know

@/samandcolby: announcement tomorrow… 2021 will be the best year of our lives (and probably most difficult)

fan: are we getting married?? is that why?

yes

i hate how having anxiety makes me nauseous. it’s the worst feeling

Dec. 16 - it’s all about living in the moment and making every. second. count.

fan: yeah @/ColbyBrock how much are you charging for tattoos…

free for you

Dec. 18 - big tool pic but i’ve been workin hard

@/mannymua733: we absolutely do not mind

hahahaha

(god damn… this pic is still so good lol)

also cold weather always makes me want a special someone to spend time with. cuddle buddy is neeeeeded

fan: okay but can we just take a second to appreciate how hard colby’s been working in the gym because dayum

thank you sweeeetheart

fan: HELP COLBY IS TRENDING

yoo i love you guys 🥺

Dec. 20 - got tatted last night and i barely remember

how i feel this morning (pic of him floating)

fan: you’ve seen elf on the shelf… but have you seen cole in a hole? (@/ColbyBrock)

i’m mad i laughed at this

Dec. 23 - why’d ya have to change on me

so bittersweet saying goodbye to my childhood home of 18 years… i’ll only be back to kansas to visit and sleep in hotels from now on. strange feeling, but so happy for my mom and dad for taking a chance and moving

it’s like i don’t have a real “home” anymore. since i move so much anyways it’s hard to find a spot to actually call home

fan: i just want to say that colby has helped me through so much this year. i had a tough year as many others did but you’ve seriously have helped me through so much. i love you so so much @/ColbyBrock

awh that’s why i make videos in the first place. for people like you

Dec. 24 - addicted to you

my mom and i are the weirdest duo on the planet when we’re together i swear

fan: Make a video with her for Christmas

my whole family despises being on camera 💔

Dec. 25 - fan: momma brock is the sweetest ever

she’s my favorite woman in the world

Merry Christmas friends ! 🖤

i wish i could have face tats for like one week but it doesn’t really work like that huh

Dec. 26 - everyone’s battling their own demons

Dec. 28 - fan: Colby drinking wine but he's such a lightweight that he's probably drunk, lmao @/ColbyBrock

🤫🤫🤫

fan: the vibes are fucking ethereal i’m guessing @/ColbyBrock

you got it

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

HELLO!!! gosh im so bad at using tumblr aside from reblogging so this has been a long time coming but i came to say U R A POET!! i found your acc when u had like 2 ? fics out and i remember reading “if i fell through the floor i would keep falling” when it had 90 notes and feeling like someone had put their hand in my chest and ripped my heart out…. i was so confused how it didnt have 100000000 notes?!?! i am still confused now. it’s some of the most beautiful writing ive read (& i don’t even really read for geto so it was such a random find but i am so grateful). my favorite line was “he figures he can give you this one thing, at least.” there are so many heartbreaking ones in that piece but this one was especially so. it’s crazy to me how well you painted the scenes, it really felt like i could visually See every moment.

anyways, i rediscovered your account a few days ago thanks to “i can’t close my eyes alone” and i am BUZZING with excitement at how large your masterlist is (seeing many hurt/comfort fics and u absolutely KILL at that genre omg) i cant emphasize enough how excited i am to tear through it!!!! no way i get any sleep tonight. also sleeping in a bathtub is so horribly senseless that i relate deeply. i would also make a decision like that in anger and commit to it. my favorite line from that work is “sincerity and honesty are things that have been used against him all his life” 💔💔

please expect another longwinded message once i get through all your new works!! thank you for sharing your art

- duzhee

HI HELLO!!!!!!! god i KNEW your user sounded familiar……. i was like ”duzhee hmmm where have i heard that before … 🤨🤨” i think u were the first person who rbed that fic w tags actually, it made me so happy 🥺🥺 i still have a screenshot of it saved in my lil motivational folder <333

im so happy u found ur way back here, u have no idea!!!!! and gosh literally everything u said is so so sweet and thoughtful im tearing up T_T that geto fic still has a v special place in my heart, so i cant tell u how glad i am that u enjoyed it!! especially since u dont read geto often like thats such a huge accomplishment to me….. aaa u even mentioned ur fave line!! its my favorite thing to hear ever 🥺🥺

and the gojo fic!!! im so happy u liked that too!!! im super duper weak for hurt/comfort so its so flattering to me that u think i write it well?!??? u r so so sweet. tysm again for mentioning ur fave line it gives me like … an outrageous amount of happiness when ppl do 😭😭😭 

AND HONESTLY DUZHEE… the only reason i made reader sleep in a bathtub is bc i wanna do it myself so bad LMAO i love sleeping in unconventional places like i love nothing else <333 

ah and and and !!! honestly having someone call my writing ”poetic” is just ……. The most flattering thing ever???? u r genuinely such an angel, tysm for taking the time to write this out 🥺🥺 it made my morning!!!! i am EAGERLY looking forward to another longwinded message from u <3333

[chumpmagump]

dear mum & dad

TW; mention of abuse

Dear mum and dad,

I don’t hate you for how I grew up, I despise you for the lack of accountability, apology or any expressed regret for how it was. What am I thinking writing this right now. I have no capacity.

Dad why were you violent and screamed and threw things and strangled my mother against the wall in our Sydney home? Why have you entered a marriage now where none of that happens?  Does she know how you were?  Im happy for you but I think your deceiving her by keeping the full truth from how you were. I know you were not happy and you stayed with mum because of us kids, but at what cost. I struggle to trust any man that enters my life and I seem to keep attracting emotionally avoidant partners, much like how you were. You did your best. But it wasn’t enough and I carry the scars for the rest of my life and you should have been finding ways to make it up to me.a phone call once every few months doesn’t really cut it. why couldn’t we have talked about this. Why do you continue to put mum down yet take no responsibility for the harm you caused her and macros and i.

Mum, you’ve been scarred from the men you dated. I get that. You have been so desperate for connection you’ve put it above your own children again and again again. You’ve let people outstay their welcome and you’ve let yourself hurt. You don’t have to keep living in that cycle. You can at any moment decide you and your kids are too valuable to have any man interfere with your lives. Theres only so much time you have to play victim before you and your family really do become another statistic. I believe dad coud have killed you, and I think Andrew could too. Do what you will with that. I have always been hard on you because you have those kids in your care, if this was just you I would leave you alone. You are an adult to make your own choices. But as soon as  you have kids you give up the right to put yourself first and you need make those kids feel loved and safe and appreciated. Imogen looks like a shell, her whole body curls up around her shoulders. That’s trauma. That’s what the body does. Your back looks much the same. So did mine until I rid everyone that wasn’t providing any support.  Give her a hug, give her many. Give her what you couldn’t give me back then. Because you were so beaten down. Make it different this time. You have the power.

I will always be there to help you of getting rid of men. To the day I die I don’t care how fragile out relationship is I will house you and help you on your feet if it means you can change your life and theirs. I have always said that.  I will never use my help against you. But you cant tell me youre going to overdose because of me, and you cant scream at me because your in pain , and you cant tell me I should have called docs on my own father when I was small child. I wont accept any more abuse from you or my dad. In fact you would call me outside to help you not have dad abuse the animals , and when I didn’t come because I was so scared you blamed me. You blamed me as a young child. You do know children rely on their parents to keep them safe. Not the other way around. I wont tolerate you blaming me any more.

The amount of times ive picked myself up the floor or gotten myself home safe contemplating leaving this world, because I felt the pains of what I went through and the fact neither of you can really support me the way I need – countless. I got myself to where I am on my own. I rescued that small child that didn’t have anyone to turn to because to her everyone who loved her hurt her, would love one minute would hurt the next.  I rescue her every time she wants to leave this world. I thank you for your shelter and keeping me alive. You loved the way you only knew how. Please go to therapy and develop a relationship to yourself. There has to be someone deep inside that is hurting immensey to be able to hurt others the way you have. I go to therapy to deal with my trauma. Im 27 years old and I want to be known I needed to send this. I don’t care if you choose to dodge accountability, if you blame each other, I needed to say this for me.  

[smileysuh]

hi I know this is weird to ask but idk who to ask about this and I feel really comfortable asking you.

How do you not be awkward or dry.

Idk why I feel I’m a very awkward person I don’t really know how to hold a convo and I feel I’m a very dry texter. like I see videos abt dry texting on my fyp on tiktok and it’s actually like me. like sometimes I won’t be one but also I feel it’s the people I talk to who are also dry. Like I was texting some people on my spam account and I can see I'm not really dry maybe a bit awkward but I felt comfortable and was having fun idk why I cant be like that all the time and be like that in person. Also idk how to make small talk in class or in general I want to make more friends and be less awkward but I can’t. like I’m a pretty quiet person but this school year I did make more friends I realized that I only talk to them in school and not really online like barely so I feel we aren’t really friends but like close classmates. Also, it’s just awkward texting them sometimes like idk what to say or ask. Like idk does anyone have advice? It’s weird I wish I wasn’t awkward and could talk to people and hold a convo. sorry I feel like i’m ranting but I would really appreciate some advice. thank you so much.

it's not weird to ask at all! I'm glad you felt comfortable messaging me :) and don't worry- you're not ranting :)

I feel like- in the age of the internet, where everyone is consuming such different content- it can be hard to find a common ground you're comfortable enough in to not be awkward or dry. If you do find a common ground, and you're in an online forum - as you mentioned - it can still be awkward cuz you can't rely on reading someone else's body language to see if you should keep going with your approach to the conversation.

Making small talk can be hard as fuck- I have an asd diagnosis, so believe me- I know how hard it can be 💕 i've found that finding people of a similar neurotribe to be very important in gaining social confidence- we live in a world where people can be quick to judge, so learning to stretch your social wings in an environment where you're among friends can help a lot-

maybe your school has a kpop club or a dungeons and dragons club or whatever floats your boat! the thing with socializing, and physics, is that getting the ball rolling is the hardest part- putting yourself out there in unfamiliar/new social situations can be rough, but the more you do it, the more you'll get better at it :)

as is the case with anything - socializing included - it sometimes helps to come with some studying under your belt - you could try to come up with some general questions for small talk as you're getting to know people- I've found that in this day and age, people don't like talking about their jobs too much- but if you ask the question 'have you seen any good movies or shows lately?' people often DEEP dive into what makes them nerd out, and that's always a great starting point :) maybe you have some shows/movies in common? a hatred for the same character? a childhood movie that you two can plan to watch with some buddies? or if you're not a movie kind of person, you can ask what activities someone gets up to- it's a good doorway to going on a hike together or out to play some tennis or join a chill ultimate frisbee team :)

at the end of the day- not everyone is on the market for friends, and when you face social rejection, most of the time it has less to do with you and more to do with the person you're trying to interact with already being overwhelmed/having a full plate :)

just remember, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take, you're lovable and deserve to have friends without making drastic changes to who you are, and not everything works out - but when it does, that's the basis for growth :)

Good luck!!!!!!

[cursingcrona]

THE INTERNAL FIGHT I HAD WITH MYSELF OVER THOSE OPTIONS IS SO CONCERNING 😭😭 /sillywilly

i had to pick a neutral option because i feared like, its so stupid, but i had this thing say like "ohh wings are like so important to our relationship with apollon lets choose that" but then like "ok but if we get close enough to asmodeus for nicknames & symbols or whatever then we'll feel bad so" does that make sense????? im sorry lol

i decided to go with🦉because owls are my newest special interest at the moment, i hope thats ok!! (& speaking of nicknames, THANK YOUUU for wanting to give me a proper way of addressing, i love nicknames so much, ugh)

but, i don't wanna overwhelm you or anything with my questions, so i'll for 1 make this the last one for the day, and 2, do you have boundaries do you have that i should keep in mind?

and, you said anything can be devotional, how i can decide whats big and whats not.. thats so freeing but so worrying lol. like we know, i cant practice openly, so i try to do "discreet" things. for apollon, i paint for him, devote a plush and give offerings of matching jewelry, ect. i find it super easy to do devotional things! but, with the way i've seen people paint infernals in general online, it scares me to think i'll be like "my king!! (insert nickname or smth), i made you this!" or "i did this in honor of you!" and him going "... ok??"

i actually used to work with dionysus! (i plan to continue when i move out, but,) unfortunately i did have to distance myself and focus on a single deity, because i suck at multi-tasking my worship, and i have a serious fear of spending "too much" time with a deity, or, "too little." i don't want any of my deities to feel "unloved" or something because i feel shy or something around them at first.

i don't wanna seem weird, or cringey. especially with how sometimes i'll have to just randomly put up my pendulum or something in the middle of a conversation because my mom walked in or something.

i've seen a lot of people say "oh lucifer hates people with trauma" or something, and i know asmodeus isnt lucifer, but it's a little scary to think i'll end up ugly-crying in front of him one day and he's just gonna disappear. i really hate the thought of being abandoned, especially by my deities, so i get so skeptical of them at some point. like, apollon was reassuring me like 5 times a day or something that he wasn't tricking me, hating me, going to just pack his bags and dip out randomly, ect. and it scares me to think asmodeus is going to see my trauma, and, idk, laugh? i know it ultimately comes up to how our relationship goes, but, i genuinely feel safe with king, he doesn't scare me, per say. i just, don't know.

.. sorry if i got a little too heavy or something there! but, thank you so much for being really attentive to my long asks. it means a lot! i really appreciate the help <3

-🦉

Hi Nonnie!! I'll cover the non-religious here, then under the cut I'll dive into the ask!

I really like the Owl you chose! I wanted to keep your options narrow cause decisions scare me ^^"

I always, on all of my accounts, try to keep answers as long as I can; sometimes it's hard!

It means alot you'd even consider my boundaries!!

Honestly, I don't really care what's in my inbox! Vents, asks, questions, comments, corrections, concerns! I love it all!! If someone wanted to DM me I'd be ok there too! My only really trigger religion wise is cults, though I won't be getting into that ^^"

It's a very valid concern to worry about spending "too much" or "too little" time with your deities. I worry about that all the time with my five about to be six! I think you made the right choice going for something neutral!

I also understand, the gut wrenching fear of a deity abandoning you. It's not necessarily abandoning you. Many deities come with lessons, and once they've taught you their lessons, they'll leave.. It's sad, and hurts. When Lucifer and Lilith left me, it took everything in my power to not bawl. It hurt, but they had taught me what I needed to know, and knew I would be ok without them by my side.

Deities may be made out as if they don't want anything to do with your life outside of worship, but that's how you build a more personal relationship! Ugly crying in front of your deities isn't anything to apologize for, it's human. Naturally and truly human. You don't have to apologize for being human.

Deity work is alot, but i truly believe you'll make it through without being abandoned.

You can decide what's "big" and "little" based off anything! Expense, size, how it looks, etc!

All of these things can make something a big or little offering or devotion. But even if something dedicated to a deity isn't indicative of how worthy it is of a deity!

I think that's about all i have for this ask, very sorry it's so short!! Blessed Be 🦉 Nonnie

[littlelambdrgnfly]

Ok since you reblogged that one post I hope you know I reread The Sum of Them for the 3rd time, maybe like a month ago, up until the last chapter and i never finished it cause i didnt want to experience it ending again (if that makes sense), i wish it never ended. I wish they could play baby games forever but its so important it does end because the ending is soo beautiful but so devastating, and it's beautiful because its so devastating, and my heart cant take experiencing that again :'-(

i already sent a message on here saying that your fic was the first fic to make me cry, possibly the first piece of LITERATURE in general to make me cry (i could be wrong but i cant remember any piece before that), and it made me cry 2 times when reading it for the first time. It is truly my favorite piece of McLennon fanfiction, but the only reason i dont fully consider it mine is that if someone were to ask me, it'd be too taboo/freaky to say but its truly one of the most heartfelt and complex ways ive ever seen anyone portray John and Paul while also feeling completely accurate and realistic. My god. And i love so many of your other fics too but The Sum of Them really means so much to me and I cant even say that enough. i wish you could just live as me and be inside my mind to fully grasp how much of an affect it had on me, I dont think i will ever be able to explain it sadly </3. But just know out of every McLennon fic ive ever read (and ive read many), THAT one is my very favorite out of like 100+. The way you characterize them is just so completely different from any other fic ive read and its so intimate and raw and holy shit i dont even have the words. Sorry i know im rambling at this point but I just think about it a lot! Also your fics are the only fics i enjoy anymore, (recent) beatles fics have gone down the drain in my opinion and yours are the only ones i can be satisfied with because, as far as im concerned, anything you write is automatically in-character for them after reading The Sum of Them lol x) thank you so SO much for writing cause it's truly exposed so many of my own desires and hidden , sensitive parts of myself that couldn't be excavated any other way without your work 💖

Dude... this is legitimately one of the best comments I've ever gotten. I wish I could memorize all of this and replay it for myself whenever I'm feeling blue. Thank you so so much, it means the world to me! I think all writers insert their own thoughts and emotions into their work, and I definitely do that in all of mine, but especially The Sum of Them. This fic is basically my wishlist of things I would do with a partner, as well as coming to better terms with my own kinks, so I'm glad it's been able to resonate with people. I'm also glad that I managed to keep John and Paul in character, even if John is crying every other paragraph lmao! I totally get what you're saying about wishing I could experience what you did, I wish I could too. Sometimes I reread my fics with the mindset of someone reading it for the first time, but it's just not the same. I'd give my left tit for more writers on my level or higher who wrote bottom!John or even ABDL fics, I swear. I don't read a lot of fics these days, but I'm usually disappointed whenever I check the Beatles tab. I'm also really really bad at remembering titles and author names, so I never remember what fics that I like! Thank God for bookmarks. I definitely understand not wanting to tell people that this is your favorite fic though, lol! I've been writing Beatles fics for a long time, but I created a new account on AO3 when I started writing these fics. I'm comfortable talking about this stuff, but only with the help of an alternate profile. I'm really really happy to help people explore this side of themselves though-- too often fics like mine are just really gross over-the-top and completely unrealistic portrayals in my opinion, and I guess I wanted to bring something sweeter and more realistic to the table. <3