#i experience much confusion about what is attractive when it comes to male characters

[kaikree]

one of my patreon sketch requests is a lion version of astarion which is just funny to me

friend: what do you know about BG3 me: there's a vampire guy that looks like a wet rat

[bekolxeram]

Good morning! (Well, at my place) I've just read your take on fandom, and while I'm personally avoiding most of the cast interviews and stuff, I see your point. I'm just afraid that's too much a voice of reason. Something spread all over the world today, facts do not matter very much. And people really forget that fandom is fun. Anyway, would love to see more of those posts :)

I too usually avoid interviews and stuff, I'm mostly in it for the excuse to unite my love for aviation, disaster documentaries and gay stuff. I'm sure you've stumbled across fandom discourse before and asked yourself "are we watching the same show?" Well, I saw a post about one of the actors "confirming a character's sexual orientation" and I was just wondering if we were reading the same words.

I've seen media literacy, canon vs fanon being brought up numerous times for the last 2 months, but I think I've finally found the right words to describe my gripes with the fandom: the confusion of implication and interpretation.

Maddie pulling Chimney out of the frame in that hotel room then ending up pregnant a few episodes later, implication, it's not the network or the show for explicit sex scenes. Buck making a dirty face while saying the ring cutter was for "other stuff", well what other stuff can you think of? Hen and Chimney hanging out with Tommy at the bar in Bobby Begins Again, would Hen and Chimney knowingly become friends with someone who was still racist and misogynist that they had a problem with? These are all hardly refutable facts that just weren't shown explicitly on screen for whatever reasons.

A male character being emotionally repressed and having trouble dating women on the other hand, could be because he is attracted to men without knowing it, but it also could be due to all sorts of reasons like childhood trauma, religious trauma, trauma from the battlefield, unprocessed grief from on-and-off ex-wife suddenly dying in an accident so any sort of closure is no longer possible etc. Another male character looking after a good kid when his father is trying his best to juggle between raising him and being a first responder, could be because he is romantically interested in said single father and wants to become part of a traditional type of nuclear family unit with the kid, but it also could be just him being kind and empathetic, as he himself grew up with emotionally neglectful and absent parents. You can interpret these things all sorts of ways based on your personal experience, but the show itself doesn't tell you how to frame it, nor does it limits you. Though at the end of the day, other people may interpret the same piece of media in different ways, and that includes the showrunner, the writers and even the actors themselves.

And then there's conflating interpretation with irrefutable explicit fact, like I demonstrated in some of my posts. Like the moment after 7x10 came out, the whole fandom was enshrouded by debates over daddy kink. One side painted Tommy as a sexual predator who exploited Buck's moment of vulnerability to satisfy his own kinks (again, Buck started the daddy thing), the other side defended the rights for gay men to explore sexually whenever they like. Yes, the I know daddy kink is very common among the gay community, but the concept itself has become so mainstream the past few years (I blame Pedro Pascal) that it now vaguely means "an older man who is hot".

After a few weeks of thinking I'm crazy and I lack verbal and reading comprehensions, I finally read the source material behind most of the controversies, and I got things completely different from the mainstream discourse out there? I've never seen anyone from the production of the show explicitly stating or even imply a certain ship would come true? At most, they respect and validate fans' own interpretations of the story, that's it. It doesn't necessarily mean they agree with said interpretation, and it certainly does not invalidate other possibilities.

So here we are, some fans feel betrayed even though they were never promised anything. Other fans get nervous over stuff that is actually just an interpretation of a cast member's interview, which in itself is also an interpretation of their own character, but tutted as absolute fact by some.

Enjoying a piece of media is supposed to be about enjoyment, not like a part-time job, so enjoy the parts you like and ignore the rest. But if you want to participate in the fandom, and you feel anxious anytime there's rumors brewing, tracking down the source might actually bring you more peace.

[laniusbignaturals]

I genuinely confused about the whole drama fuss is all about. All fandom always at least have that one toxic ship, it's inevitable. And master/slave trope is not a new concept either, heck people seems fine about the trope as long as two party are attractive i suppose (shrug).

Plus dead dove do not eat also is a thing. It's unavoidable, if someone really didn't like a content there's literally a mute or filter

TLDR: It was always gonna go this way.

The long version: people originally started arguing about Caesar/Arcade because bickering over how to write characters’ romantic lives is time honored fandom tradition. This has been happening since the days of Star Trek and Harry Potter, it’s nothing new. These scuffles become especially aggro & self-serious when related back to a popular blorbo - those (usually male, almost always white) characters that are kinned, stanned and projected onto moreso than others. Arcade is absolutely that guy, right? He's a lot of people's favorite. He's special.

This spat featured casual racism, offensive name-calling and some brazen, truly nonsensical appropriations of AAVE, because those are also time honored fandom traditions. (Even if you niggas are cagey about acknowledging that.) Art in western culture is heavily influenced by white supremacy, and fandom, including the FNV fandom, is just one niche within that culture. White people, especially the young n cool™ ones, value their position as consumers & beneficiaries of black culture more than they value black people. They are known for selecting parts of our identity, language music clothes hairstyles etc, removing them from the original context, and bastardizing them so they can be used as a cultural commodity for nonblacks. Something that is put on and taken off for funsies, cosplay style. That FD Signifier video I was hyping up over the summer had a whole section about this. He also just released a new video on black cops which is worth checking out.

Now, tumblr's userbase generally believe themselves to be more enlightened than fandoms as you see them on reddit and twitter. And this is true, on a superficial level; you are much more likely to be met with slurs and open hostility on those sites than on this one. I also believe that, because the demographics which form the majority of tumblr's userbase - white gays and white women - have traditionally been marginalized & subjected to mistreatment within mainstream pop culture, they are especially resistant to identifying and dealing with the ways in which they fall short of their own progressive ideals. No one wants to see themself in the same light as their own bullies.

The problem is that, when it comes to their behavior, tumblr's FNV fandom can be pretty damn regressive, especially on the topic of race. They tend to have an excellent grasp on liberal terminology and identity politics, so they are comparatively much better at keeping these misgivings covert. But in practice, you will find them to be no less self-centered, entitled and anti-black than the FNV fanboys you would expect to find on reddit and twitter. I got into this game right around the time it was revealed that some white users were producing extreme anti-native content behind closed doors, an experience which has fostered an increased sense of isolation and paranoia among the remaining people of color in the community, as far as I can tell.

Okay, so, some white users start doing the ~Oooh Chile You'sa Lame Ass Homeskillet~ routine characteristic of digital blackface. They go out of their way to be as disrespectful and verbally abusive as they can in the process, because atp they're still on the offensive. And they misuse the black words they're "borrowing" because they don't know what they actually mean. When myself and a few others respond in kind, they double down, carrying on with the nastiness and the bizarrely racialized talking points. (Unironically calling people you don't like "degenerates??" Really?? School failed some of y'all smh)

A couple days go by and, instead of moving on and finding something else to do, they press the proverbial self-destruct button and engage in civility politics. The malignant tone of the original posts is abandoned, and instead, the people who once adopted it become… shocked and confused and wounded. They start talking about how, instead of matching their energy, their contemporaries should've just been "nice" and "civilized." They start complaining about being “canceled” just for having “opinions,” going back and forth between making half-assed apologies and insisting that the original issue wasn’t that big of a deal because they didn’t have “the intention of being racist” as if “having the intention of being racist” is something people ever do.

You would never guess that 1.these were the people all but outright referring to their peers as unwashed subhumans not last week, or 2. that they did so while identifying as left wing. Because rhetoric like this is borne from a place of privilege. Expecting that no one you’re denigrating will be allowed to meet you with an equal level of vitriol, because your space considers doing so to be taboo, is the kind of behavior that arises from too long spent insulated from the nonwhites who created the language they were mimicking. Nonwhites who might take umbrage with their broken attempts to use it while in the same breath calling them & theirs a bitch.

And if theres anything I would like people to take away from this, it's that the parts of fandom culture which they might have expected to have evolved in the past decade or so have, by and large, not evolved. Even some predominantly queer spaces will readily adopt the talking points of the right wing and prove themselves to be every bit as hostile to poc if you don't abide by their rules and center their perspective. So you should think before you speak and make an effort to not throw rocks and hide your hands, as is the parlance of our time.

Lastly, please do not go find these people and bother them on my behalf. I'm gonna take the poor english language comprehension between the both of them to indicate that they’re probably all, if not minors, young adults, which means they’ll likely learn not to act like this on their own. Or not! Maybe they'll be like this forever. Maybe one day I’ll see their names in the news after getting their shit rocked for saying a slur on campus & crying to the press about how they’re the real victims here. I can't influence whether or not that happens, because I’m not their counselor or their mom, even if they expect me to act like it.

[castlebyersafterdark]

hiii i just wanted to come on here as a lesbian who is very pro spicy byler to maybe give a little personal experience and perspective to this convo. it’s also 5am for me rn so this might get too personal and also not make any sense sorry 😭😭

so at least for me, and not speaking for any other lesbian’s here cuz idk what their experience is, a big reason that i like spicy byler is Because i’m a lesbian and not attracted to men. in my own life i don’t think about men’s sexuality or have to consider men in a sexual way, so i can view sex between two men from a completely outside perspective - i don’t need feel inadequate about my own sexual experience because i don’t want to have any sexual experiences with men, there are no notes i need to take on technique, there’s nothing to feel insecure about never doing before and going “oh it would have been better if i had done that” or “that’s how it should have been? i’ve been doing it wrong this whole time? fuck.”. its almost like - because it has nothing to do with me and experiences i actually want to have in the future (at least technically, with anatomy and stuff, i definitely crave the emotional intimacy aspects) it’s just pure high fantasy. it can be hot and i can just enjoy it as hot because the characters find it hot. i think i also have a very deep attachment to these characters and their relationship that seeing them show their love in any way is very cathartic, whether that be sexually, where the release of catharsis is very much 1:1 mimicked by actually coming, or romantically, where tension is really built up and a simple, well written confession can be just as much of a release.

i do think that when i first started reading mlm smut i was definitely confused about what it meant for Me sexually. cuz it was like, ik i’m not sexually attracted to either of these men, i definitely don’t want to be in any sort of sexual situation with them, why do i find this so hot?? do i like men in general?? do i like male anatomy?? am i lying to myself??? but i’ve since realized it’s that its the emotional intimacy that i can relate to and enjoy from the character’s whereas the physical intimacy is something completely divorced from my reality, allowing me to enjoy it just as what it is without having to think too hard about my personal experience. there is no overthinking i have to do that gets in the way of my enjoyment. i can imagine for people who do have sexual experiences with men or are men that physical or sexual inaccuracy or just a general sense that this is an unrealistic physical feat or reaction can take you out of the moment and/or make you cringe - since i don’t have any experience with that, the only thing that takes me out of the moment is emotional and characterization inaccuracy. its the fact that i didn’t have to actually involve Myself (whether that be my own pleasure or how to go about pleasing a partner in a technical, physical sense) that allows me to enjoy it so much. there are zero personal implications that i have to take to heart thus allowing me to fully enjoy it without getting in my head about technicalities. its just - these people are finding pleasure in this, them experiencing pleasure is hot, what they’re experiencing must be hot. it feels very much like escapism for me. (i feel like i just said the same exact thing 10 times and still didn’t get the wording right lmao)

from what have gathered, its a very common formative experience for queer women to read and be turned on by male ships and the sexual experiences that are written about them - and ik friends irl that definitely relate to that as well. now, idk if this is the reason for all or a majority of enjoyment of this type of content, but i imagine this is not a completely unique experience in fandom for lesbians.

Thank you for sharing this!!!! Super super super interesting!!!! I kind of thought as much for some of your points but I've never seen it all spelled out quite like this. ❤️

[longing-for-rain]

I was reading one of your fanfiction and you’ve written in disgusting detail about zuko getting r@ped, why?

Interesting question. I wonder about it myself sometimes.

But what the hell, let me psychoanalyze myself tonight because it’s been a really bad time lately and it’s Friday night so you know what that means 🥴🥃

Anyways.

Weirdly enough I’ve been drawn to that kind of content from a young age, like age 12 young, pretty much right after I’d gone on the internet and been exposed to shit. It was always confusing for me. I always had this weird compulsion to watch certain male characters get hurt very badly in ways women typically get hurt. I’m not just talking about rape either; that’s probably the most extreme part of it, but it was also things like “damsel in distress” situations, eating disorders, body image issues, etc. I’m not saying men never experience these things, just that especially in media, they’re almost always associated with women.

I felt really weird for it because let’s be honest it is pretty fucked up. How did I get like this? It’s not even like I found it hot or anything—I’m a lesbian, I don’t feel attraction towards men at all. Besides, it was only violence I was drawn to. The minute a story started getting to some kind of Stockholm Syndrome situation where the victim starting falling in love with his abuser, it became a squick and I had to run away. It also couldn’t be just any male character. It had to be one I really liked. There have been others but you’re right, it started with Zuko and over the years it’s mostly Zuko. And yeah, that’s why I ended up writing content like that myself, because it was on my mind and I use writing to vent. But why? What was I subconsciously trying to vent about in that specific case?

Lately though I think I figured it out. The best way I can think of to describe it is a revenge fantasy. Which I know is deeply fucked up but hear me out.

So I get on the internet at age 12, right? At the time, my favorite shows were ATLA and HTTYD. So as one does, I start looking for things about my shows and come across art of the blorbos and naturally discover the world of fanfiction. And how wonderful for 12 year old me! I latched onto Zutara almost instantly because even as a kid my favorite scene in the show was the Final Agni Kai and I really wanted to see them get together. Now I find out there is a whole world of stories I can read online about that exact thing happening in so many different ways? It was beautiful.

But as you know if you know anything about fanfic sites (which I assume you do because you found my fucked up stories lol) I found some unpleasant things. Keep in mind this was around 2012 and I was browsing ff.net which had nowhere near the tagging/warning system that AO3 does. And even if it did it probably wouldn’t have mattered because I was 12 years old with a dangerous combination of naïveté and curiosity.

So anyway! What do I find on ff.net when I went scrolling for my lovely Zutara fics? Well, I did find some really cute ones. There are some I still think about but can’t find for the life of me because they’re either deleted or buried in the depths of ff.net. That was all good. You know what wasn’t good? The…other things. And oh boy. The people complaining about how Zutara is some kind of colonizer abuse fantasy wouldn’t have lasted 10 seconds back then. I remember reading a fic where Zuko raped Katara while she was tied to a tree. No warnings, and in the end note the author said it wasn’t rape because she ended up liking it. Many, many fics revolving around the idea of Zuko kidnapping Katara and making her into some kind of sex slave but it’s okay! She likes it and he turns good on the end for her so it’s true love! I also vividly remember a Blue Spirit x Katara fic where they were fucking, he took off the mask revealing himself as Zuko, Katara got scared and tried to push him off, Zuko just held her down and kept going. Not called rape. No warnings. Comments full of people talking about how “hot” it was.

Get the picture? It was horrifying. Keep in mind I was 12. It made me deeply angry, not just because of the misogyny and glorification of sexual violence, but also because it was Zuko doing it. I loved this character. I loved him because his story was so compelling, he was good and kind, he seemed safe to me. And reading about him violently abuse and rape the person he was supposed to love most was horrifying. It felt like some kind of betrayal. It made me hate him.

Middle school era me stopped reading Zutara fic as a result. I kept getting burned by it, and felt drawn towards that kind of Zuko rapefic instead. An old Zhaoko fic still sticks out in my mind. It was a pretty simple plot where Zhao kidnapped Zuko, whipped him and raped him, then at the end Katara rescued and healed him. It was oddly cathartic for me. Because it a) satisfied my revenge itch to see Zuko hurt in the same way I read about him hurting Katara in those other fics and b) put Zuko in a vulnerable position that would render him incapable of being a perpetrator in that universe (I know that’s not how it works in reality but that’s just my gut reaction there idk). Also read tons of fucked up Boiling Rock fics because it’s kind of a no brainer in the Zuko rapefic genre.

I don’t remember exactly why, but in the mid 2010s I didn’t really read much fic at all and my interest sort of fizzled out. I was mostly into HTTYD at that point and had a brief fling with Voltron before the fandom went to shit (which didn’t take long). So I guess that dark side of mine went dormant for a while and I didn’t think about it a lot.

Then oh boy…COVID hit. I was 19 when it started and found myself drawn into unhealthy levels of internet usage like most people during that time because what else were we supposed to do for fun. I was also going through some really fucked up heavy personal shit which led me to turning back to my old comfort ship…Zutara. Found my way onto tumblr, then to the fanfic sites. AO3 was a welcome surprise after being used to ff.net. Also for the first time I discovered the “community” aspect of fandom which I really enjoyed and helped me fight some of that COVID-induced isolation. It was really nice at first. I even began writing my own fics for the first time. And as you can see from my AO3 profile, they were very simple and cutesy in the beginning. Back before I went insane lmao.

But that happiness was short lived, because I kind of had a repeat of what happened when I was 12, only worse. Same pattern of reading some really good Zutara fics and some really bad ones. Zuko is sexually violent towards Katara. Zuko kidnaps Katara. Zuko rapes Katara. The author has some kind of technicality that makes it “not really rape/abuse” when that was clearly the intention. But this time, I was in a “community” with “friends” who promised me I mattered to them and that they cared about me. So I mentioned something about how disturbed I was to see things like this, naïvely thinking they’d understand where I was coming from.

And they…told me I was a bigot.

Yeah so. This was after I’d been sexually assaulted the first time. I also had this older creepy beta reader who I later realized had been sexually grooming me but that’s another story. Anyways! Point is I was in a bad state of mind, especially surrounding the topic of sexual violence, so it really hit me hard to have it used against me like that, made to feel crazy for having a problem with it, and dogpiled on for trying to explain myself and speak out.

Needless to say, I ended up feeling isolated, hurt, and confused by this. Much like I was back at age 12, so I relapsed into bad habits.

Honestly I’d been doing it before the breaking point, just more subtly. If you’ve creeped my AO3, you’ll see various flavors of “femdom” shit there. I like to call that my “I was being groomed lol” era. I had someone basically trying to convince me that male domination was “empowering” and that it was a sign of “maturity” for me to embrace it. Basically trying to convince me most/all women secretly desired it, resisting was a sign she wanted it deep down, I’d come around eventually, etc. Honestly I think this person just liked my writing and wanted me to pump out free fetish content for her, but it kind of backfired since it made me uncomfortable and I ended up just wanting to write femdom and Zuko rapefics because in that situation, it was the only outlet I had to express my hurt and discomfort at being bombarded with that disturbing kind of fic where Zuko is a rapist. I was subconsciously trying to reverse the narrative to escape the misogyny and the trauma I was suffering as a result.

Then after I got out of the grooming situation it just went off the rails from there. Stuff in my personal life was also getting worse so I just had this mass of stress and anger constantly running through my mind. It also really fucked with my sense of identity since the groomer/community I was in sort of left me with the impression that a woman’s role in society is to be objectified and abused and humiliated, and that she’s supposed to embrace it. I don’t think they necessarily intended it that way, but it left me with that impression because I saw so much content like that and barely anything representing women the way I wished to be perceived as a woman. It even made me feel alienated from other woman to the point I didn’t want to be a woman anymore (which is a feeling I’ve grappled with since puberty basically but that’s another story).

I don’t know which fic of mine you’re specifically referring to in which Zuko is raped in graphic detail, but I’m assuming it’s Dark Reflections because that’s probably the most graphic thing I’ve written. That’s the fic I started writing in the middle of that whole mess. It was very cathartic. I went with a female perpetrator against Zuko because it allowed me to fuck with the gender dynamics. A key plot point in that fic is also that Jun’s motivation partly stems from the fact that she mistakenly believes Zuko raped Katara so the idea of taking revenge against Zuko for being a rapist felt more direct. And of course, the reason why it’s so detailed and graphic and contains a lot of typical violent kink shit is because that was all the same shit I’d had thrown at me in the context of Zuko abusing Katara, so I just wanted to give it back to him if that makes sense. It brought me a morbid sense of comfort to see him be abused in the same way. I just have a catharsis generally about men suffering what they make women suffer. I know it’s fucked up, but it was a fucked up part of my life. And for the record I’m not trying to justify it or say it’s okay, I’m kinda of neutral on that tbh. Just acknowledging where my mind was and the fact that it’s a thing that I did.

For what it’s worth now, as I took the time to focus more on healing, I’ve felt less drawn to pure violence. I find myself wanting to write more about the thematic aspects of it and explore it that way. Even with Dark Reflections itself, the fic is incomplete and much longer than I originally intended it to be because I actually do want to go back and work through those themes and unpack what they mean for both the characters and the society they exist in. The more recent things I’ve written have been more along those lines too. Less graphic shocking violence, more philosophical as I pick my own brain and try to make sense of things.

Honestly writing this out helped me organize my brain a lot so idk hopefully it answered your question too.

And yes I know I’m sounding absolutely batshit but this is like my brain’s toxic sewer outlet valve. Believe it or not I am surprisingly normal in real life. I have a dog and big biceps and a cool rock collection and an office job with a nice view and everything. Anyways I’m passing out now. Night.

[praetorqueenreyna]

I disagree with your take on men not being able to experience SA (even if Ianthe is a stupid character and its alarming that SJM only seems to villianize her female characters committing SA) but there's something to say about a group of people coming after you for saying men don't experience SA in the most unserious way possible when that group of people also unseriously support and romanticise the SA scene with Fey/sand.

its ACOTAR, a fandom rife with horrible SA takes and depictions but they can somehow set that aside to stan the whole entire series and all of its demeaning themes and characterizations. Its also not lost on me that this went from "you're not putting wlw ships in a survey" to a whole research session on your opponent to discredit the fact that they did do the survey twice and it was for petty reasons.

Once again I wish you hadn't worded your take on men and SA like that, but hey it's your space and we do curate our online experiences. If that person knew beforehand that you posted things like that, why do the survey? If they had to search your blog after the survey argument to put a weight on your general character to take away from the original argument? Still backhanded, still not very "curating your online experience". We're all 30+ years old on a website that is very unserious and has supporters of incest of all things. I'd like to think half the things we are into or say here are unseriously said/or not said at all out in our regular everyday lives.

SO I will fully admit that that post was poorly worded. It was a casual post that was never supposed to get any traction, just something to throw my opinion into the ether. Not a serious analysis of how SJM expresses power dynamics and sexual assault. Part of why it's so confusing is that I literally got bored halfway through the tags and just stopped writing things.

Of course men can experience sexual assault from women, regardless of anybody's sexuality or attractiveness. My point was that women in power do not systemically abuse men in the way that men do women. I'm tired of lukewarm liberal feminists (such as SJM) trying to make some point about how the true victims of patriarchy are men. And that online warriors like the people throwing a fit about this do literally nothing to help sexual assault victims of ANY gender, and think that attacking some random person over a random post counts as social action.

But I totally agree with you! SJM seems perfectly happy to show over and over again these villainous powerful women who are somehow skeevy enough to offput the horniest men in world, but are conventionally attractive and don't really do much other than aggressively throw themselves at men. Which ALSO was a point of confusion: that post was not about Ianthe and Lucien. Obviously Lucien doesn't want to have sex with Ianthe bc he's gay. It was about how Rhysand, Cassian, and Azriel are all written as these shallow horndogs who bang everything with tits, but are somehow genre savvy enough to know that Ianthe is a Bad Female Character and are disgusted by her. It's not cohesive, it's just a way for SJM to villainize a caricature of a person and make her male characters (who btw are WAY more sexually violent than Ianthe has ever been) seem like good characters.

But again, this kind of bad faith interpretation and virtue signalling has nothing to do with real victims of anything. Because if it did, they would have had an actual conversation with me, rather than putting words in my mouth over what I did and didn't say. Quite frankly, they're mad that I'm a Tamlin fan, and so they're trying to tear me down however they can. Like you said, first it was "well she's lesbophobic bc there are no wlw ships on the survey." Then when I made my point about how the people who complain about that do NOTHING to actually contribute wlw content to fandom, it shifts to me doing something else. If I kept up the conversation and tried to defend myself, I would be accused of some other crime.

ANYWAY this is exactly the kind of conversation I do enjoy having, so I do appreciate this ask! It is so important to cultivate your fandom experience and try not to take this stuff so seriously, especially for a series as poorly conceived as ACOTAR. Not all of my posts have been winners, but the actual content of those posts doesn't matter. Because I like Tamlin, I'm always going to be a criminal of SOME kind to these people.

I fully admit I should have just deleted the original ask because it was not sent to open a real dialogue. It's a lesson I have to keep learning over and over again, but maybe someday it'll stick!

[paradoxcase]

Chapter 11 of Gideon the Ninth

Gideon really does not know how to say no to attractive women, does she? I'm still on the fence about whether or not Corona is going to turn out to be evil too, but Muir did almost literally name her "Cain", so I guess that settles that

There's actually something interesting here (to me, anyway), because although Gideon just cannot shut up about Corona being hot the entire chapter, except during the swordfight, there's something different about how this is portrayed here, that I don't really see much, or maybe at all? Forgive me, I've just been thinking a lot lately about attraction, and how you write it, because it's a day that ends in y and I have a story that's trying to be written and I keep going back to my Homestuck-fanfic-writing experience, and yeah

Normally when I see stuff like this, it's more explicitly sexual, or more explicitly romantic, there are references to things like people's bodies, to physiological reactions like butterflies, or being warm, or what have you, and I can't relate, depending on where exactly it falls on the sexual/romantic spectrum I come away with something in the range between "that sounds like an interesting experience, let me try to imagine it" and "rolling my eyes real hard right now" and "people like stuff like that? how curious, I must take notes", but this here, and also with Dulcinea in the last chapter, doesn't seem to fall into this category at all, it's all very aesthetic, about the general picture/vibes the person gives off, about the sound of their voice, about smiles and laughter, and so I can say, yes, I feel you, I get this experience you're having. I don't think it's a male gaze thing, because I see the same stuff happening in the female-dominated fanfiction world (most of the time there, actually, although certainly not exclusively), and I also really don't think it's intended to be an ace thing, because I'm pretty sure that no one in this book is intended to be ace, least of all Gideon. I don't know, though, maybe this will change later and it will become the same old same old. I noticed this today, because immediately after I finished reading the chapter, I checked my email and there was an AO3 notification for a fanfic I'm following, and I went and read the latest chapter, and the difference was stark

Anyway

I note now that Corona initially said she had organized matches for all the cavaliers, but having reached the end of the chapter, I see that we are missing the Sixth, Seventh, and Eighth cavaliers, but Corona did not go off in search of them. Of those we've so far only met Protesilaus, and the Sixth and the Eighth have not yet appeared as named characters, although by process of elimination we can conclude that one of them must be the guy with the missing middle finger who appeared with knife-face earlier

I do feel for Jeannemary, she's only just arrived at Lyctor Camp and already her (not) dad is going around telling everyone embarrassing stories about things she did as a toddler, if this is the kind of thing Harrow was afraid of, I guess I can see why

Please, Gideon, do not write down Magnus's dad jokes for later use, you're so much funnier than that

Yeah, no comment

Naberius seems very unpleasant, but I can see why he's upset if the match was supposed to end when he disarmed Gideon. A little strange that Corona didn't call it at that point, tbh

I have like, less than zero understanding of what this means. Gideon seems to know what it means, but she is not telling

Magnus's comments about Jeannemary's last name seem to indicate that last names are hereditary, but this is clearly not the case given that Harrow's last name does not match either of her parents', and also the pronunciation guide seems to be saying that they aren't hereditary. I am confuse

I wonder what Harrow is up to? I guess this room is going to turn out to be Important

[cordycepsfem]

Hello! You reblogged a post about "bi" women who don't like vulva (https://www.tumblr.com/cordycepsfem/743621467814674432). Your blog is one of my favorites and I was curious about your thoughts on my situation.

I'm a woman and I consider myself to be bi, but I am disgusted by penis. I do think it's weird when a woman who doesn't like vulva says she is bi, but then I feel like a hypocrite by doing the opposite. I don't think it would be appropriate to call myself a lesbian, though. I still find some men attractive, just not their genitals and I wouldn't be able to have a sexual relationship with a man because of that specific lack of attraction. When I am attracted to a woman, I am attracted to the whole woman. I've been told I just haven't found the right man yet, but there have been men I've cared deeply for. When I try to think about having sex with them, I feel sick. I don't feel sick when I think of women that way. I am a virgin, if that matters.

I always hear about the "bi but eww pussy" stereotype, but never the opposite. Do you think a woman can be unattracted to male genitals and still be bi? I don't mean this as a gotcha, I am just genuinely confused and value your opinion if you wouldn't mind sharing it. Thanks in advance if you decide to answer this! :)

Thank you for your kind words. While I am glad you enjoy my blog, I have to admit that I am not really a font of information on all things lesbian or bi, and would have a hard time telling you how best to proceed. I will move forward with the information I do have, and you may take what you wish.

I existed as a mostly-asexual being until I was in my twenties. When my same-age girl cousins or peers would say a boy looked "cute" or "hot," I never had any idea what they meant. I never saw something in a boy that gave me any special feeling, no matter how many movie stars or boy band members had captured their hearts.

My family was (and still is somewhat) Catholic, and when I was younger I could never see myself married to a man. I didn't know about gay or bisexual people, and I thought the only way to have children was to marry a man and reproduce heterosexually. I have always wanted to be a mom, and I look forward to that in my life now, but back then I was told the only way was marriage to a man. The thought of living with a man, sharing a bed with a man, and having sex with a man was utterly repellant to me when I considered it seriously at the age of 12 or 13. I gave a lot of consideration to becoming a nun.

I got really sick around the age of 14 and the treatments I had between 14 and 22 really fucked up those ages, so I pretty much just worked on surviving. But eventually I was maybe 23 or 24, and I went to a local store and saw a woman who was just... beautiful. She was nerdy, and ticked all these boxes that I now know are qualities I'm attracted to. I asked if they had a certain item I'd been looking for and she checked, spent time with me, offered to order it... nothing more than a great customer service representative, but I was... fascinated. I suddenly had all these feelings that I didn't understand.

But then I also had all of these experiences that suddenly made sense. I'd always preferred "strong female character" types in shows and movies and books. I always wanted to be best friends with the female lead in media, not dating the male lead. I had intense friendships with girls, especially in high school. And now here I was finding a woman attractive for the first time - realizing that I was attracted to someone blew my mind.

I now have a girlfriend for the very first time in my thirties. (It is amazing. I am a big fan.) She is helping me to think very openly about attraction and arousal and how to explore sexuality. Her work will now help me to come to my conclusion here, which is:

I think only you can be in charge of what you call your sexuality (obviously). But if you are only attracted to men by basis of looks or personality, and know that you would not have sex with them, to me that doesn't seem like a full experience of sexuality. Sexuality, for many people, involves the desire to have sexual and romantic experiences with a partner, and it probably would be really hard to have a full relationship with someone who you wouldn't want to engage in sex with, unless that was something you were both wanting, and you felt your connection was more emotional.

I have also found certain men appealing for many reasons - they're a good singer, or they're funny, or they look really sharp in a suit, or I liked them in that one movie - but I don't ever see, nor have I ever seen, a relationship with a man going further than a cherished friendship. I have no desire to engage with one romantically or sexually. If you feel the same way about men, and are wholly attracted to only women, I feel like that's your answer. But again, I can't label how you feel, only offer my thoughts.

People who say "You haven't found the right man yet" need to mind their own business, and perhaps look to their own homophobia. It is possible to do so, because my 88-year-old devoutly Catholic Irish grandmother has yet to tell me to find a man and I am in my mid-thirties. If you aren't looking for a man, why would it matter if you found the right one or not?

However you choose to identify your sexuality, you seem very certain of what you do and do not want, and that will help you figure things out. Please let me know if I can offer a listening ear. I am grateful you were able to share your experience with me.

[sjweminem]

LMAO i love it

you're 100% not the only ones, i'm sure. i came out as a lesbian at 14 and the label always kinda. stuck inside me? even when i got into my later teens and had boyfriends it always felt i was doing it bc i was supposed to. not that anyone around me specifically gave me that impression. i think the label of "gay" stuck when i transitioned, like i CERTAINLY could not call myself STRAIGHT right????

so for several years following i just considered myself a gay guy point blank, ignoring my dreams abt, and my longing to be with, women, it wasn't all that hard like it didn't chew at me or anything, after all i was having plenty of fun with my male obsessions (and still do, obviously!) and never thought about it. there was so much else happening i only happened to even revisit the subject fairly recently when my mom complained abt me always confusing her lmao and (jokingly) to "just pick a fucking side already oh my god", which DID stir up some personal questions. for a while i figured i must be bisexual, until i stripped it down and realized that, truly, i would only EVER want to be in a relationship with a man. i don't want to touch a man irl.

my attraction is purely surface level/pure sexualization, and built solely on fantasies abt characters and such. sure i put them in Sex Situations mentally, but i am p much never in the fantasies myself, unless i'm in a position of control and authority over them; taking on the role of protector. "man of the house" kinda thing, but 99% of the time i'm not being touched back sexually. just kissed :) i dropped the bisexual label bc of this realization, i don't want to imply through it, to any degree, that i'm as interested in relationships with men as i am interested in having the REAL thing- attraction, trust, intimacy, love, etc- i know some folks use it on a spectrum that works for them, but it's not a label that jibes with me. plus i have SUCH NARROW ACCEPTABLE STANDARDS when it comes to guys, like..certain heights, hairstyle/quality/physique etc. don't get my started on acceptable vs unacceptable body hair....meanwhile my attraction towards ladies has a near infinite range of beauty to me, esp physique and height!! and i do not at all feel the need for a sense of control either. and oh my god, the times i've kissed girls will stay in my mind forever it's BLISS but meanwhile i've forgotten all the (many more) guys already 😭

it's also important that women don't see me as entirely male either..i want to be able to use the lesbian label without offense or confusion, but "lesbian" is the only thing that really stirs up a feeling of gender identity for me? some would call me nonbinary, genderfluid, agender, whatever- i ID with zero of those. butch or stone butch rings a gender bell to me. i'm a lesbian at my core, i just happen to do an injection weekly, no different than taking my dozen other prescriptions twice a day. my name happens to be dennis because it was funny to me. and it is. but i want to provide my parter with that deep understanding, the kind only experience develops, of i know what it's like. tell me. forget my 5'o clock shadow. my broad shoulders, my voice. and think of me like i WAS for this moment.

[tealeavesandthorns]

🦄 🔥 🖼 🛍

MY EXPERIENCE IN THE ROLEPLAYING COMMUNITY * send me a symbol and i'll tell you... - @kingofthewebxxx

🔥 my hot take about the roleplaying community

Okay, I don't think I actually have any hot takes, I have thoughts here and there.... like I wish people would be more honest about stuff. I wish some of the language was simpler because somethings are really confusing to me (probably a tism thing) - like why 'private' blogs advertise themselves in tags. If it says private I assume it means, completely closed off or like invite only or they don't accept random follows. - If it just means mutuals only I don't understand why you wouldn't use that language.

I have thoughts about shipping too - like I'm probably more sensitive to it because I'm an OC. On the one hand I wish people wouldn't assume that all OC's want to romantically ship, there's a lot of characters I'd just love connections with. I also wish I didn't feel so.... like not bad but like a certain type of way about curating shippy stuff, reblogging shippy stuff, making gifsets for ships I don't even have. - I have a lot of conflict about it because I'm trying not to put people off taking a look at my blog, trying not to make people think that the only reason I want to write with them is for a ship when that is far from the case and chemistry is the absolute most important thing to me. I think I just need to think fuck it and do shit anyway.

🦄 the best thing that's happened to me in roleplay this year

I definitely think coming back to Maria, realising how much I missed and loved her. I think being accepted again and finding new connections, reconnecting with old friends. I think those are the best things.

🖼 my favorite types of characters

I'm not going to lie, I think it depends on what I'm reading/feeling like. I love well rounded characters with depth though, or potential depth and I tend to be really attracted to side characters the most in canon.

In terms of playing characters, I adore sort of grumpy cop characters with a heart of gold, that's why in the past I've played Harvey Bullock, Lestrade, Alfred Pennyworth, a couple of OC's. I quite enjoy soft male characters too which is why I've had a couple of male OC's with a similar character type to Archie Hopper.

As far as female characters go, I tend to go for OC's rather than canon quite a lot. I couldn't tell you why because often in RP it's not about shipping them with someone, it's more about exploring characters. I like softer female characters with a strength in them and a tendancy towards kindness - that's what Maria is, it's what Briar was and Charlie. Even characters who are darker, like my vampire OC with Eva Green FC - have a great strength in them without being villainous or OTT. I've only played one or two canon female characters and one of them I had a horrible experience on (Tauriel from The Hobbit).

I LOVE a good dramatic villain, really hamming it up and making it panto. I love playing a mirror/evil version of Maria because that's exactly how I play her, as cartoonish, hack and hamming it up, but also kind of early 00's sexy.

🛍 the one thing i wish all of my followers knew about me

Oh goodness I'm not sure. Okay, maybe, how crippling awkward I feel all the time. How if I don't contact you, or I rarely IM it's not a reflection of how much I enjoy our threads. I just categorically NEVER want to be a bother to anyone. I get very in my head about how I might be misinterpreted or that I'm bothering people with my mere presence, that I'm too much. That I talk too much. So I just keep myself to myself instead. Even when there's gifs/drabbles/ideas/fun stuff I am DYING to share.

[nemeseos-noctua]

THIS IS FOR AETHER AND ALBEDO PLS--

May I request for a shy S/O that wants to kiss a certain area (For Aether: his tummy, For Albedo: the spark on his neck) they're just oddly attracted to it and wanna bury their nose against it I'msosorryifthisisweirdaha :"D

𝐅𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆: aether, albedo (separate) x gn!reader

𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒: albedo and aether might be a little ooc? does aether even have a character? also not proofread (is that even a surprise anymore)

𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐒: once again written at 12am! 12am is writing time yall idk what to tell u

he honestly won’t notice at first... and he won’t notice until you tell him

i mean, don’t get me wrong— he’s definitely aware of the way your [e/c] eyes trail down to his stomach... and he’s definitely going to blush and look away when you do

but still! okay! he thinks you’re just, err, looking! not like, you wanted to kiss him! or anything! nope! not at all!

(aether is such a child pls why is he like this just KISS)

“Oh, [Y/N]! Paimon and I were looking for y—“ Aether tilted his head, confused as to why your eyes were avoiding him like the plague.

“... [Y/N]?” Aether repeated once more, waving his gloved hands in front of you as you cleared your throat.

“Ah, Aether! Yes, did you need anything?” You responded, still looking away from the Traveler as he raised his eyebrows.

shuffling to the side so he can stare at you fully, you kept craning your head away from him no matter how much he moved into your sight

cupping his gloved hands over your cheek, aether tilted your head to gaze into his golden orbs, its hues flickering with confusion as paimon’s barfing noises could be heard behind the blonde

“I was going to ask you if you wanted to do my commissions with me... but is something wrong?” He asked, completely oblivious to the way you struggled to not stare at the skin below his croptop... was Aether always this fine?

“Nope! Nothing at all!” You tapped the side of your thigh anxiously, waiting for Aether to let go of you— which he cautiously did.

“Okay... but if something’s wrong, be sure to tell me, okay?” Aether spoke softly, his worry sending your heart aflame as you stiffly nodded.

you felt so bad for staring at aether (even though he was your man) but PLEASE did he have to be this fine?!

you. you can literally see his abs. like. the outline. like. like, like—

anyways!

after the two of you completed your commissions and checked in for the night, you waited until paimon left to eat everything at good hunter to confess your embarrassment to aether

look. if you were gonna stare, you were at least going to make aether aware of such beliefs... because, it was kind of embarrassing otherwise

“Ah, Aether...” You looked away, edging slowly to your side of the tent as the blonde merely hummed, staring up at the roof of the tent.

“Yes?”

“Sorry.”

“Huh? For what?” The Traveler turned over to you, gazing at you in confusion as you fiddled nervously with your fingers.

“Ah... uh, for staring at you.”

Stifling a laugh, Aether merely gazed at you and all of your adorable-ness. Why were you apologizing? You were literally his s/o! 

“It’s okay, I know you didn’t mean anything of harm,” The male reassured you, a comforting smile painting his features as your mind blared the most embarrassing thought ever.

I want to kiss you. You thought.

“You can.”

“What?” You yelped, eyes wide as Aether avoided your gaze, his cheeks dusting with a blush so soft he looked like a calla lily under the dim moonlight.

“No, wait! I mean—” Covering your face with your hands, both Aether and you were short-circuiting.

if you really want to kiss his stomach, you’re going to have to tell him... cuz aether ain’t the brightest when it comes to romance cues! 

you wanna kiss him? sure! you wanna kiss his stomach? su—wait what?

“... i wanna kiss your, eh... stomach,” you manage to stifle out before faceplanting into the floor of the tent. why? why?! NANDE NANDE NANDE NANDE— (jk lol)

aether was silent. i mean, not that that’s new or anything, but you could hear crickets

“i... okay!” aether sat up, his face exploding a bright red it matched the fire outside

“no! aether! you don’t have to—“ 

pulling you into his chest, aether looked away from you, closing his eyes as if all of his embarrassment would go away

“Eh?! What the heck is going on here?!” Paimon whisper-screamed, stumbling into the tent— only to see the sight of you and Aether’s limbs tangled together, your head resting atop the blonde’s toned stomach.

“Blegh!!” The mascot rushed out of the tent, vomiting at the sight of her companion being all lovey-dovey.

Disgusting!

he’d notice you staring at his neck pretty quickly

he’s very perceptive, thanks to his alchemy and him having to observe the tiniest of elemental reactions—you staring at the star on his skin is no biggie

in all honesty, he’d find amusement in teasing you about how obvious you’re being. like, oh? you want to kiss his neck? why don’t you tell him so? 

BUT HE MEANS IT ALL LOVINGLY! 

it’s okay. just kiss him fr and he’ll shut up 🙄🙄

“Is something the matter, [Y/N]?” Albedo quipped smugly, watching your eyes avoid his as you fiddled nervously with the pencil on your table.

“Nothing.”

“Hmm... is that so?”

Finding amusement in your hesitance, Albedo resumed his studies. The hour hand of the clock seemed to move quickly—too quickly for the alchemist to comprehend. He swore the sun rose just two hours ago! What did the clock mean it was midnight?!

Sighing for the nth time, Albedo pinched the bridge of his nose, staring at the letters that scattered the pages, your figure moving like a candlelight in the peripherals of his vision. 

Tugging at the hem of his coat, the alchemist turned towards you in an uncharacteristic confusion. Albedo was so used to knowing the ins and outs of everything he laid his eyes upon—it was a part of being an alchemist— but when it came to you, it seemed as though you were some kind of unreadable book that’d take years to translate.

But perhaps, that was your charm. 

“albedo needs some sleep” you thought, getting up to usher him to bed

knowing he would decline your invitation, you mustered up the courage to do the unthinkable:

kiss his neck.

“You need some rest, Albedo,” You hummed, resting your chin on his shoulder as the alchemist swore he melted. If it were under any circumstance (if he wasn’t experimenting), he would’ve obliged in a heartbeat. But right now, he was busy! He was about to make a scientific breakthrough and—

The “I can’t,” that was about to slip from his tongue was quickly swallowed back down. 

His teal eyes widened once your lips came into contact with the star on his neck, his adam’s apple hanging right above the galactic pattern as his face exploded in a red cascade of blush. 

“Okay, I’ll go to bed first,” You shuffled to the bedroom, your footsteps clumsy from the way your mind fogged over with embarrassment, joy, content, and anxiousness.

Covering his nose and mouth with the back of his arm, Albedo straightened up—still suffering from a severe case of love.

Agh—why did you have to do this to him?

Resting his elbows on the table before him, the alchemist stared blankly at the wooden material, the redness on his face never leaving.

Just how was he going to experiment now?

— constellations!

[watermelonlovershigh]

Bisexual!Harry AU Series Information Post

All the information you'll need for this AU series I've created about a bisexual Harry's navigation through life and his growing relationship with y/n (you).

bi·sex·u·al - sexually attracted not exclusively to people of one particular gender; attracted to both men and women.

Warning: This is completely made up for entertainment purposes. This is not a real representation of real life Harry Styles' sexuality. And by no means am I glorifying the experience of coming out or being bisexual. It will show the good and bad times of Harry's journey as he navigates his sex life and current relationship with y/n as a bisexual man. Also, just because Harry enjoys anal play in this series, doesn't mean I'm saying that's what makes him bisexual. I'm very aware straight men enjoy anal play as well. Harry is literally sexually attracted to both men and women but being in a relationship with a women, still loves the aspect of having things up his bum.

............................................

This Series Will Contain: Heavy Smut (anal play such as use of dildos up ass, fingering of male ass, butt plugs, blowjobs to a fake cock, regular sex, + much more), Fluff (casual conversations, cuddles, comfort), Mild Angst (homophobia, rejection after coming out, cheating of ex partners, confusion about sexuality, depression, anxiety).

*Alot of this series will be short blurbs but i hope to write some longer pieces in the future.*

*And at any time, if you see where i got something not so accurate about bisexual identifying people, please feel free to correct me in a nice way so i can learn from that mistake.*

Bisexual Harry's Personality-

Basically has Golden Retriever energy. (term used to describe the character of young and attractive man – typically one with soft facial features and disheveled or "poofy" straight hair – who exhibit traits associated with a golden retriever dog.)

Isn't afraid to show his emotions. (cries frequently whether its happy or sad.)

Isn't much into the kinky world when it comes to sex. (doesn't care for overly rough sex and is always satisfied with some vanilla sex. though he enjoys face fucking and ass poundings on himself.)

The most trusting person you'll ever meet. (having been cheated on and lied too on many occasions, he never wants others to feel the pain that brings a person.)

^ { may add more once the story line develops a bit more}

Basic Information on Bisexual Harry-

Came out as liking girls and boys at age 15.

Came out to the world as bisexual, except a few hook-ups, at age 21.

Started dating y/n at age 24.

Got engaged to y/n at age 26.

Married y/n age 28.

Has first kid at age 30.

Very similar personality to the real life Harry we all know and love.

Is British.

His family members share real Harry's family members actual names for convenience.

----------------------------------

tag list: @one-sweet-gubler // @harryscherrysugar // @evanjh // @harryhoney-bee // @beachwood-cafe // @lollypopsx // @harrycanyonmoonn // @elenagilbert01 // @bohogothic // @damnasstyles // @mrsstylesthings // @peaceandloverry // @softmullet // @harryssweatcreaturee // @meetmyblondemuffins // @thegirlnextdoorssister // @stanleystyles // @spencharry // @michellekstyles // @pilgrim-harry // @stallrry

(if you don't want to be part of the tag list for this series, let me know. if you do, thank you for the support and i hope you enjoy. if you want to be added to this series tag list, also let me know and i'll do so.)

[joonie-beanie]

The Demon Brothers + comforting a self-conscious MC/Reader

So a while ago an anon sent me the below ask

And I kind of adored the idea, considering I am also insecure, and chubby, and in need of some demon bro comfort. Hence, here we are.

Rather than bullet point, I ended up writing short stories for each brother. Hopefully you still enjoy 💕

Lucifer:

The eldest brother is not unaware of the way your eyes stray when the two of you are in public together—your gaze raking over the other inhabitants of the Devildom as you traverse the busy streets.

At first, he assumes the array of creatures—some far less human-like than he and his brothers—are interesting to you. Then, he notices the way you begin hugging yourself with your arms. As if trying to hide yourself away from any prying eyes.

It is indeed out of place for a human to be seen in the Devildom, and you do get some stares, but...he has a suspicion that the sudden shyness you exhibit stems from feelings that reach beyond what strangers may think of you.

He doesn’t like seeing you in such a state.

“Y/N,” he addresses you after tugging you into a small, scarcely populated side alley. One of his gloved fingers curls beneath your chin, and he guides your hung head to look at him. “I can tell you’re upset. Explain to me why.”

You glance away from him, cheeks heating up, and your arms hugging your sides a bit tighter.

“I just...you, and your brothers are all so beautiful,” you start by saying, causing him to blink in surprise. “And...whenever we’re out like this, and I see all of the other demons living here, I can’t help but feel like I pale in comparison...”

Lucifer’s features soften as he stares at you. You’re worried about such a silly thing?

“Y/N.” He steps forward, his thumb moving to hold your chin. He tilts your head up, guiding you into a kiss. It’s soft, and loving, and immediately your fingers are twitching against your sides—itching to reach out and hold him.

“You are perfect as you are, and I have never thought otherwise.”

He kisses you again, his free arm moving to curl around your waist and tug you closer. You feel your heart aching in your chest.

“Lucifer—”

“You need not compare yourself to others, because there is no one else like you—and you are radiant in every sense of the word. I give you my word as the Avatar of Pride that what I speak is the absolute truth.”

His voice is quiet, and tender, and full of adoration. You feel like crying.

“I love you,” you whisper the words against him, voice a little broken, and Lucifer smiles before kissing you again. He will try his best from now on to help you feel a little more comfortable in your own skin.

Mammon:

The second brother invites you to Majolish to watch one of his fashion shoots, and you agree despite knowing how self conscious it will make you, because you know it will make him happy.

So, you find yourself standing in the back of the studio, watching Mammon on the temporary set—which is composed of an oversized mattress, and colorful pillows. He’s wearing slacks, and a button up that’s not buttoned at all—revealing his toned body. Since it’s a group shoot, he’s surrounded by equally enticing male and female demons. And while the sight should get you going, considering they’re all so attractive, it just makes you feel...bad.

Biting your lip, a sick feeling rising in your chest, you end up stepping out into the hall. Mammon finds you there soon after, a look of relief on his face when he spots you with your back against the wall—arms hugged together.

“There ya are! I thought you had left!” He runs up to greet you, but his smile wavers. He can tell you’re upset—gaze straying away from him. 

“Hey, what’s wrong?” He reaches out, hands hovering nervously. Had he done something? “I...if I did something wrong you can tell me...I didn’t mean to upset ya—”

“No, it’s not you,” you mumble, cutting him off. Now he’s even more confused. “I guess...I got upset seeing you and all the models. I know I don’t look anywhere near as attractive, and that thought started to gnaw at me, so—”

“What are ya talking about?” he interrupts you, head cocked to the side curiously. “I think you’re hot as hell.”

You feel your cheeks heat up, surprised at his words. “What?”

“I-I mean!” suddenly he’s turning red, hand lifting to sheepishly rub at his neck. “I’ve never thought that ya weren’t attractive, ya know? Ever since you came here my heart can’t help but flutter whenever I see ya…”

Your heart aches. “Mammon…”

“Listen! I just…,” his shy gaze turns back to you, and he reaches a hand out, cupping your cheek. “I think you’re one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.”

He leans in, but hesitates for a moment, so you’re the one who ends up sealing the kiss.

“Don’t worry about that kinda crap, okay?” he whispers against you, his arms lowering to wrap around your waist—holding you tightly. “Or else The Great Mammon will have to start knocking some sense into that silly human brain of yours.”

Tears blot your eyelashes, but you can’t help but giggle.

Levi:

You love Levi dearly, but he has an Akuzon addiction that needs to be addressed.

Recently, Akuzon had apparently expanded their clothing options—stocking more cosplay-like pieces—and Levi had thrown them all into his cart without second thought. Now that they’ve arrived, he’s begging you to come over.

Except, he doesn’t tell you why he wants you to come to his room until you’re already there—watching as he unpacks the multiple bags worth of questionable clothing.

“Ooooo~! This one is especially cute!!” He holds up something pastel, and undeniably adorable. You don’t disagree—it is cute, but...as you stare at it, an uncomfortable feeling settles in your stomach.

Can you even pull off something like that? You’re sure Levi is hoping that you’ll look like one of the cute anime characters in his favorite shows, and you don’t want to disappoint him. 

As much as you would love to try on the clothing and model for him, you don’t believe you’ll be able to do the outfits any justice.

“Y/N?” the demon calls your name curiously, noting how you’ve gone silent. You’re no longer paying attention to him, your head hung as you stare off to the side—a perplexed look on your face.

“W-What’s wrong?” Leviathan drops the clothing held in his grap, stepping towards you. He knows that he can get a little overly excited about this stuff, but you’re typically tolerant of it…

“I don’t know if I’m the right person to model for you,” you end up saying, voice quiet. An array of negative feelings are swirling in your head, making it hard for you to say what you want to without vomiting all your worries at him.

“I’m not...built the same as an anime character, or the cute 2-D people in your video games. The clothing won’t look the same on me, and I don’t want to ruin the images you probably have in your head.”

“Y/N—,” he cuts you off, his hand grabbing your own. He lifts your hand until your fingers are splayed against his chest. You can feel the rapid beat of his heart beneath your palm.

When you glance up, his face is flushed.

“I...this is how I get every time I’m around you,” he tells you honestly. “Whether you’re in your RAD outfit, or pajamas, or just a t-shirt and jeans...I...m-my heart always beats l-like this.”

He looks like he’s about to phase out of existence—embarrassed beyond belief with everything he’s currently confessing to you—so you instinctively reach your free hand up and cup his cheek. He leans into your touch, cheeks aflame. 

“I think you’re so cute,” he mumbles, amber eyes staring right at you. “You don’t have to look like Ruri-chan, or anyone else. I...I like you. So, please don’t think those things about yourself...”

“Levi…” There’s adoration in his gaze, and you can’t help but kiss him. 

Beneath your palm, you feel his heart skip a beat. 

Satan: 

The Avatar of Wrath has recently become accustomed to inviting you out on little coffee dates. It’s a chance for both you and him to escape his brothers, and have a space to yourselves where you’ll be able to talk freely.

The cafe the two of you frequent is dark, and cozy, and right up Satan’s alley. So far, all of your experiences there have been pleasant. 

Today, however, the stunningly attractive barista is throwing herself at Satan as he orders your drinks, and a familiar uncomfortable feeling begins rising in your throat.

Just great. 

Chin resting in your palm, you watch the two interact—Satan maintaining his pleasant composure, even when she presses her arms beneath her chest and asks if he wants any company. You see him shake his head, and you assume he mentions that he’s already here with someone, considering the barista’s gaze strays to you. She looks you up and down, an unkind amusement swimming in her eyes, before she turns back to Satan.

...wow. 

You face yourself away, feeling bitter, and anxious as you wait for the fourth brother to return to your side. That assuming he does. You wouldn’t blame him for running off with the Barista—

“Y/N,” two hands reach out and cup your cheeks, guiding your head to the side. You manage to note that Satan is now crouched beside your chair—barista abandoned—before his lips connect with yours.

“I love you. You’re absolutely stunning.”

“Wha—,” you flush red as he pulls back, shocked at his actions. Satan usually isn’t so open about his affections in public. “You...how did you—?”

“I was watching the barista when she glanced past me. The rude, yet satisfied look on her face was telling enough,” he says, a bit of anger slipping into his tone. However, it’s quick to melt away when his gaze refocuses on your blushing cheeks. 

“Just so you know, I think you’re beautiful. I’ve always thought so.” He presses back to his feet, the tips of his ears turning red. “So...don’t mind what others say, and be kind to yourself, okay?”

At a loss for words, you reach your arms out and hug him around the middle. He blinks in surprise, but a chuckle leaves his lips—his hand petting against your hair.

“Do I need to start telling you how much I adore you every day?”

“I might die,” you mumble into his shirt, and he feels his heart ache. He’ll be sure to start expressing his affections for you more often. He doesn’t want you feeling down about the way you look, because he has never given it a second thought. 

In his eyes, you’ve always been perfect.

Asmo:

Asmo is unfortunately stellar at reading your body language. So on the days where your self-confidence and self-image aren’t best, he’s right there, trying to subtly raise your spirits.

Today, when he notices you picking at your food during breakfast, a frown on your face, he knows it’s going to be one of those days. And he doesn’t like seeing you upset. 

So, he invites you to come to his room for a nice, relaxing spa day.

You agree, although it takes a little bit of convincing on his end. 

Soon enough, you find yourself standing in front of Asmo’s outrageously large tub. He’d prepared a milk bath for you—the white, swirling liquid thick, and heavenly smelling. You’re a little nervous to disrobe and sink inside—especially considering your current mental state—but...you end up doing it anyway.

Once you’re shoulder deep into the tub, Asmo knocks on the door, making you jump.

“Are you up for getting a scalp massage?” he questions, peeking his head in. There’s a kind smile on his face. “I’d love to give you one.”

It takes you a moment to answer—your gaze lowering to look at yourself. It’d be impossible for him to see you beneath the milk, so that helps you feel a bit better…

“Okay,” you say, and Asmo is quick to skip inside. He rolls up his pants to his knees, his calves dipping into the bath on either side of your shoulders. A moment later, you feel his fingers rub through your hair, and you can’t help but sigh.

“Feel good?” he questions, and you hum in acknowledgement. Silence falls for a short while—Asmo simply focusing on easing the tension from your body—but he can’t let his thoughts go unheard.

“You know,” he starts by saying. “I don’t understand why you’re so hard on yourself. I think you’re positively stunning.”

“Asmo…”

“No, I really mean it!” he pouts, getting the feeling that you think he’s just saying that to try and make you feel better. “You’re cute, and scrumptious just the way you are! And I’ve always thought so—since the moment I laid my eyes on you when you were summoned by Lord Diavolo for the exchange program. 

“So just...take my word for it, please, and let me be the positive voice in your life when your silly brain is making you think otherwise.”

He leans down, pressing a kiss to the top of your head, and his hands move to gently hold your cheeks. After a moment, you reach up and place your hands on his own. Your chest aches at his words, conflicted, but more than anything, you feel grateful.

“Thank you, Asmo.”

“Anytime, darling. I’ll always be more than happy to shower you with the love, praise, and affection that you rightfully deserve.”

Beel: 

Beel loves inviting you to the gym with him, because when he’s done working out, he’s starving, which means it’s a good excuse to go out and have a meal with you.

Most days, sitting on the sidelines at the gym, or hopping on the treadmill and getting a good walk in doesn’t really bother you. Especially because you get to watch Beel as he exercises.

Today, however, you’re feeling entirely too self conscious as you sit on the empty bench press beside the Avatar of Gluttony—watching the way his arms flex as he lifts the heavy weights.

You know that the gym is typically an accepting place—an area where people (or in this case, demons) of any shape and size can come to work out—but you just feel like you don’t belong. Not accompanying Beel, at the very least.

He basically looks like he was handcrafted by god himself (and very well may have been)—his face handsome, and body toned in all of the right places. And here you are, unable to compare to him.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

His voice reaches your ears, and you look up to find him staring at you in concern. You can only guess that you’d had a pretty sour look on your face while you’d been lost in your thoughts.

“It’s...it’s nothing, Beel.” You force a smile, not wanting to burden him with your current emotions. He frowns, regarding you for a moment, before he lets it go.

“Okay, I’m gonna change, and then we’ll go eat.”

“Alright,” you respond, immediately pressing to your feet. You head for the door without saying anything, intending to wait for him outside per usual. 

A few minutes later, Beel exits the gym to find you sitting on a bench nearby. Your leg is bouncing anxiously, gaze zoned on the concrete at your feet.

“What’s wrong?” he questions again, taking a seat beside you. His tone indicates that he won’t be accepting “nothing” for an answer this time. 

You knot your hands together in your lap. “I just...do you ever get embarrassed? Bringing me to the gym with you?”

He blinks. “Embarrassed? Why would I?”

“I don’t know, because I’m...not...up to par with a lot of the demons in there? Or, because you look like that, and I look like this, and—”

“I’m lost,” he cuts you off, looking confused. “Are you saying I should be embarrassed because I’m bringing a cute human with me to the gym? Maybe it is a little weird, considering this is the Devildom, but—”

“No, not just because I’m human. I meant—”

This time, he silences you with a kiss. His large hands cup your cheeks, holding you tenderly.

“I know what you meant, Y/N, but I disagree,” he tells you, uncharacteristically serious as he sits back. Then, a bashful smile spreads on his face. “I actually think you’re really adorable. Anytime I look at you I think of my favorite food. I love you just how you are, and will never feel embarrassed having you at my side. So, you should remember that from now on, okay?”

He reaches over and slots your hands together, tugging you to your feet.

“Now, let’s go get some ice cream.”

Belphie:

Both you and Belphie are aware that one of Belphie’s favorite activities is napping with you. Particularly, with his hands wrapped around you, and his face pressed between your shoulder blades.

Recently, you’ve been passing on all of his invitations to share a nap.

And he’s seriously starting to go crazy.

Had he done something to upset you? You always seem normal whenever you’re talking with him and his brothers, but when he sends a text asking you to come over and nap, you’re either busy, or just don’t feel like it.

Today, he decides to try and bring the nap to you.

He waltzes into your room mid-afternoon—pillows and blankets tucked beneath his arms. Without waiting for a response, he makes his way to your bed and sets everything up, making a perfect little fort for the two of you to nap in.

Once it’s set up, he crawls his way inside and then rolls over, turning to face you. 

You’re stood at the edge of the bed, arm awkwardly held in your grasp. You don’t move to join him. Belphie sighs.

“Did I do something wrong?” he finally asks, wanting to resolve the issue if he has. He can’t take this anymore.

“What? No, it’s not you,” you tell him, surprised to hear his question. The demon blinks at you, now even more confused. If he’s not the reason you’ve been avoiding napping with him, then what is?

He fixes you with a curious stare—letting you know that he won’t be leaving until you tell him the truth—and you sigh. 

“I just...haven’t been feeling too good about myself lately,” you admit to him, eyes glancing off to the side. “And because of that, I started thinking about you holding me when we nap, and ended up getting self conscious, wondering if I felt weird in your arms, or if—”

Before you get the chance to continue, Belphegor is grabbing your wrist—tugging you down against the mattress. With your back facing him, he’s quick to scoot up behind you, his arms wrapping around your midsection like normal.

“I never have cared about looks, or any of that stuff,” he mumbles, giving you a squeeze. “You fit perfectly in my arms, and always will, so don’t overthink it.”

“Belphie…”

“I love you for you, okay? I think you’re cute, and all that jazz. Now don’t make me say it again…”

Sounding embarrassed, Belphegor presses a kiss to the back of your head. You place your arms atop his own, smiling softly.

“Thank you.”

And for the first time in weeks, you fall asleep in his arms.

[nat-20s]

hello I see u have theories about ace jonbinary (GREAT pun btw) would u care to elucidate on that bc I’ve been side-eyeing my own gender but ultimately ignoring it (currently it’s at “I’m probably cis. probably”) and. idk seeing someone’s thots on the weirdness that is both asexuality and gender and where they meet might help i dunno bdbdbdkd

okay so this is less about jonbinary in specific than it is about generalization/projection and take it all with an “experiences are not universal, and this is for figuring out sexuality b4 gender” grain of salt BUT basically:

1. figuring out that you’re ace (or aro) is weird and often difficult because at least for personal stuff trying to find out you have a lack of attraction is harder than trying to find the presence of attraction and trying to categorize attraction into “is this sexual? is this romantic? is this platonic? is this aesthetic?is this even really present at all?” requires a fair amount of self evaluation

2. at least in western culture (I’m coming from a US American perspective, but I’m decently sure this is also true in England), a not insignificant part of gender and gender identity ( and a fair amount of the harshest, strictest, most cisheteronormative divisions of male and female ) is tied up with the act of sex and sexual attraction.

3. so you’ve done some internal evaluation and you’ve come to the conclusion that yeah, actually, you’re ace, and your relationship with sex is going to be different from the “average” whether you’re sex favorable, neutral, or averse. Cool!

4. Except now, by default, if you were raised in a western cisheteronormative society, you’re going to be disconnected from some aspects of your assigned gender at birth, and it’s likely that you don’t necessarily connect with another gender for similar reasons

5. at some point you realize that you’re not necessarily experiencing being male or female in a typical manner

6. This leaves you with some options: do you identity strongly with other aspects of one gender, do you identify strongly with other aspects of multiple genders, or do you kind of go ‘meh to the whole rest of the gender thing?

7. For me, I’ve realized in the past year (but have had a suspicion for awhile) that I: don’t identify at all with being male, though I do sometimes like feeling masculine, sometimes identify with being female (mostly when it’s funny), but overall feel pretty ‘meh’ about the whole gender thing, and would be happy if I either wasn’t seen as either, or was seen as Confusing tm. I also started with being like “im pretty much cis” to being like “nonbinary is more correct but i don’t necessarily feel misgendered by being seen as a woman”

How this ties in with Jonbinary:

 My personal reading of nonbinary Jon is he/they Jon and I get this because like? maybe even more so for men a LOT of gender stuff is tied into sex so he would already experience that disconnect but also to me he’s not a particularly “masculine” character? Like I would argue he’s at his most masculine in season 1- not necessarily like jock masculine but DEFINITELY (not all that great) academia masculine- the false arrogance, the hyper skepticism, the attempt to be unemotional and professional, yeah I’ve had to work with that kind of dude before again and again

however, we know that how he presents in season 1 is absolutely a performance. he deepens his voice, he goes more Arch, and puts on the Air of Highly Professional Qualified Man who Knows What He Is Doing and Is Not Scared At All

considering how far removed that is from actual Jon, who is terrified and emotional and soft and impulsive and Trying His Best but does NOT know what’s going on, the masculinity seems like a part of the farce, and thus it wouldn’t surprise me if Jon looked at the whole “being a man” thing and kind of went “eh”

TLDR: figuring out you’re ace often necessitates exploring you relationship to gender, and some us of find out our relationship to gender is either “it’s complicated” or “me and gender have officially gotten divorced” and I think jon archivist is somewhere in the middle of those two sentiments. Jonbinary rights

[sofipitch]

Im curious for the show in how theyll take inspiration from source material here. Like I think I will enjoy it knowing its not meant to be an exact adaption- though Im curious how they will handle Claudia with the actress being a grown person (or really all of them being aged up) Or Louis with his arcs of guilt and repression- when this time he starts owning a bunch of brothels and maybe has a past male lover? Im curious tho optimistic

I'm kind of confused bc this ask isn't a question? I can also only answer these to the best of my knowledge bc I'm not one of the show runners, I'm just some guy 😂

But if you are asking why I support the show and it's changes I'll say that I personally hated being a teenager and in this version Claudia will be 13. I think that is plenty young enough to feel stuck in one's body, which is Claudia's main issue. The show runners have said child labor laws were a reason they cast someone who was legally an adult but I think Durst was the only possible youngest Claudia. She was 12 and already an accomplished actress when she took the role, I read that Neil Jordan wanted a trained child actor since it's such a hard role for a kid to play an adult. The behind the scenes in my dvd copy Durnst even says at the time she didn't really understand what her character Claudia was going through, looking back as an adult made it make sense, so I'm guessing she probably had good stage direction for Jordan or other crew. So at the end of the day, I think to have someone reasonably play a character who is mentally an adult they needed to cast someone older. We haven't gotten a lot of images of Claudia but it looks like from the 2 we have she is still a "child".

I also kind of feel like comments that Bailey Bass is too old are rooted in racist stereotypes. Black girls get seen as "older" and "sexual" much sooner than white girls. Some of what I have seen ppl say about Bailey Bass has really disgusted me. I don't think you should be commenting on this girl's body parts, even if she is "legally an adult". She is still leagues younger than the ppl I see commenting on her body.

For the other characters I also prefer for them to be older. Lestat not having a fully formed prefrontal cortex might explain a lot of his bullshit but I also agree with others in saying that AR consistently saying the most attractive men alive are 21 (and later 20 and then 19) and her harping on how attractive Armand is (who looks 17) sounds more like a fetish than realistic. It's an old post by a friend, now @hedonisticgene but it was his old blog I think, said "Have you ever met the college kid who thinks he's a sex god? That's Lestat". So I do think making the characters older will make them seem attractive and charming and also have ppl not inquire too much about their lives be realistic.

As for the brothel it has the potential to be as morally repugnant as Louis having been a slave owner. I think fanon and late canon woobifies Louis so much that his general weak moral backbone is often ignored. Remember in the book IWTV Louis does not object to kill humans "bc it's wrong morally" but bc he thought it was an aesthetic experience he should work his way up to. He also describes his slaves in some awful ways, so I don't really think brothel owner is out of the question. And when it comes to Louis's repressed sexuality, well wouldn't it be the best cover, if you are gay and don't want others to know, to own a brothel. I am aware some ppl read Louis as bi while others (myself included) see him as gay. I also read IWTV as the interpretation that Louis's struggle to come to terms with vampirism is his struggle to come to terms with his sexuality. And Louis doesn't shy from telling us he went to whorehouses or that he maybe had feelings for Babette. What he shies away from is admitting his feelings for Lestat. So I think Louis being repressed has more to do with internalized homophobia than sex in general. So I feel like surrounding yourself with a whole bunch of hot women would be the best way to be "I'm totally straight! Look how straight I am!" 😂

I have my reservations about the show like any fan. These books (well the first three) mean so much to be I'll be devastated if this show sucks. But honestly for me it's not in these kind of small details, to me what matters is the character dynamic. That's what I love, and as long as this show scratches my brain the same way the books do I'll be happy.

[freddiekluger]

i know we put a lot of emphasis on denise's opening scene, but i think about this scene a lot. this aired in 1991 on what's commonly accepted as one of the greatest television shows of all time, and leaving aside issues of casting and terminology, it just means a lot to me. what sticks out a lot about denise as a character is how openly happy she is, and not just happy by nature but happily trans. i love that not only is her narrative not entirely determined by her transness (she's also an accomplished agent instrumental to the main plot of the three episodes she appears in), but that her relationship to transness is solely focused on her own joy and happiness. instead of being about how much she hated her body or herself, or about how difficult her life has been because of her transness, even denise's own realisation is casually summed up by her as "a very confusing two weeks." when cooper somewhat awkwardly asks her "what happened to you?", denise states that she likes to talk about it, and instead of launching into a long explanation where she tries to justify her existence (to the audience, essentially, as much as cooper), she just describes her own process of realisation and focusing on the joy that comes with. denise doesn't feel the need to explain herself beyond talking about how she first realised that "wearing women's clothes, it relaxed me", and she'll still joke about her time in varsity football, and calmly correct cooper when he deadnames her. often media, particularly when cis people get involved, feels so obsessed with exploiting queer and trans pain as if the only way an audience can ever be expected to relate to us is if we bleed and beg in front of them- it's refreshing particularly to see a trans character in the genre of tv crime/thriller that also isn't demonised or looked down upon. instead, denise is repeatedly confirmed to be a gifted agent, and she also catches the bouquet at a town wedding, sits at the bar with a luxurious drink, later in the arc she dances with a very happy andy, she still gets to express her attraction to women and exercise her own beauty/sexuality on her terms (which eventually help her save the day), and she just radiates confidence and, i'll say it again, happiness.

don't get me wrong, denise does experience some subtle transphobia in the reactions or comments of other characters, but the way we have special agent cooper, who serves in conjunction with harry as the moral compass of Twin Peaks, instantly decide to accept his friend for who she is. he continually makes an effort to name and gender her correctly, apologising without making any major dramas when he slips up, and is genuinely excited for denise having discovered herself. he doesn't pressure her for more details about her transness, or treat her as something strange and other, and by the end of denise's run on the show characters who may have struggled a little at first, like harry, come around. there's never a moment where denise is confronted with transphobia, or forced to explain herself- even when she briefly presents as male for the undercover operation (which i still haven't quite worked out how i feel about), it's HER choice to do so, and she still retains her personality.

adding onto that, all of denise's greatest success happen when she's most herself- in fact, the one time things go majorly wrong, with an exploding recording device and a hostage situation, denise is presenting as male, and only 'saves the day' (thanks to the planning of harry truman) when she presents as female once again. denise's transness is an asset as opposed to a hindrance, but more importantly it just is, and like cooper, Twin Peaks encourages us to respect and celebrate that about her.