#i guess this is something i should worry about when i get there or at least like. after ive even started MAKING the games
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Glenn: Well goodbye BooBoo. I need to go find Marisol. I think Elise said she was by the river?
BooBoo: *meows*
Putting his hands in his pockets Glenn heads away from the buildings towards the river. He can feel going through the protective barriers, like walking through mist. There are no spells he has to say to get out. The protection is about stopping things getting in. So far, it's worked. Some townsfolk walk beyond the edges of the property but always turn or stop before walking in. Glenn feels a bit guilty that less people can experience the beauty of the park but if they were discovered here there could be backlash. Not everyone was friendly towards occults even if the humans had begun to tolerate them.
As he approached where the river ran south of the property he saw a bundle of yellow and blue. Walking over he saw another spellcaster covering her dog with kisses.
Glenn: I'm not interrupting am I
Marisol: Not at all, I was just calming Sandy down after her bath
Glenn: She just had a bath? She looks dry
Marisol: Well I always move all the water off afterwards don't I
Sandy: *barks in agreement*
Marisol: Do you need help with something?
Glenn: Oh, no, I just... I've met everyone else in the coven and figured it was only polite to introduce myself
Marisol: A man with manners? Sandy approves
Sandy: *barks*
Marisol: It's Glenn right? Howard's grandson?
Glenn: That's me
Glenn bends down to say hello to Sandy while Marisol shifts awkwardly.
Marisol: I'm sorry you didn't get your guy
Glenn: Well if you listen to Ophelia he was never meant to be mine
Marisol: I listen to her most of the time. Sometimes she seems brilliant and other times...
Glenn: She's a few marbles short?
Marisol: Yes! All the best people are of course but it does make it hard to maintain a conversation now and then
Glenn: Why are you all the way out here? I thought everyone was busy studying stuff
Marisol: The coven isn't an institution. We don't stick to a set schedule of chaining ourselves to desks
Glenn: Sorry. I didn't mean to sound disapproving
Marisol: I know, I'm just antsy
Glenn: Oh?
Marisol sighed wistfully and turned to face the buildings. The pair were able to see them of course but no one else could.
Marisol: I've found I'm not good with change. We were at the last location for a long time. It feels like we've only been here for a heartbeat, it's still so new and unfamiliar
Sandy: *whines*
Marisol: I know the magic realm is only ever a step away but... it's different when your home base changes
Glenn: You don't consider leaving
Marisol: And what? Going backwards just me and Sandy?
Glenn: If you're not happy here-
Marisol: I will be. I can feel it. It's the change that's a difficulty. How about you, do you consider leaving?
Glenn: I don't know
Marisol: Sure you do. The idea has either entered your brain or it hasn't
Sandy: *barks in agreement*
Glenn: I guess... I guess there's just a lot of the world out there that seems interesting but it's still dangerous
Marisol: Some places are better than others for our kind
Glenn: I guess I just want a nice spot to grow a garden... and fall in love... and raise a family. Why did I just tell you that?
Marisol: *chuckles* It's Sandy, she puts everyone at ease
Glenn: Maybe I should get a dog
Sandy: *barks approvingly*
Glenn: Then again it's enough of a task keeping me looking gorgeous
Marisol: Don't worry if you feel out of place Glenn, it's a feeling I'm familiar with and will either pass or you'll move on
Glenn: Like die?
Marisol: *giggling* No, like move elsewhere. Willow Creek is not the only place in the world with dirt and plants I bet
Glenn: I know. My grandfather thinks I should stay for a bit though. I've never really done much focusing of my magic beyond gardening so it could be useful to learn some more. No point having a family if I can't protect them
Marisol: Hunting has been outlawed you know
Glenn: Yeah but society can take time to. Growing up... we moved so much. Hunting was illegal then to but it didn't stop irate townsfolk accusing us of stealing their livestock or killing their plants
Marisol: *scoffs* Like a Sutherland would ever kill a plant
Glenn: That's what grandfather told them! Still, small minds have small ideas
Previous ... Next
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Lots to unpack in Isabel's latest interview... This will be rant-y and critical, be warned.
As long as John doesn't need her to testify on his behalf, that is... And doesn't that last part just sum up this whole story? My god 🙄
Of course not, why worry about something so miniscule like say, Robert's feelings in all this? You know, the brother she's had since she was born, who is currently rotting away in prison surrounded by the worst criminals in the country. Who loves Aaron more than anything in this world. I mean, he divorced Aaron, so he doesn't really have an obligation to care about Robert's feelings. (I think he would, but there you go.) Victoria however, as his sister, absolutely should care! And these people called Robert selfish...
Firstly, David disowned Jacob, told him no stop calling him 'dad' and moved to London to get away from the two of them. So that worked out fabulously. Then she dumped Jacob so it was all for nothing! Does she think Robert would ever come back to the village if this was a thing? Does she care?
And lastly, I guess she's telling us what we have to look forward to. She's going to support them in no time, and just like that we have a new Sugden family unit...
And that's when I need Robert to blaze back in and burn it all down.
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If you have friends or family in a different time zone than you, be mindful of the timezone difference if you send them messages or try to call them. When in doubt check the time for where they are, and if it's during a time they're usually sleeping or resting, maybe wait until it's a time where they're more likely to be awake (unless it's an emergency).
Although plenty of people get messages while they're sleeping and you might just expect that maybe they'll just reply to it when they wake up, some people are light sleepers and can still be woken up by their phone buzzing, especially if they're just falling asleep, or just falling back asleep after getting up to use the bathroom.
If you're worried you'll forget about the thing you wanted to message them about, write it down and/or set a reminder for yourself to send a message when they'll be awake.
#manners#good manners#courtesy#etiquette#politeness#I sleep with earplugs in yet somehow still get woken up from my phone vibrating when friend or family in different time zones message me#I guess I could just put my phone in airplane mode when I sleep#but I always worry someone will call be about an emergency I should wake up for#like a family emergency or something like that#btw don't worry about needing to know my timezone#since I have notifications from Tumblr turned off on my phone anyway
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Me clicking “see all” on the tags of that post on why Nate likes Peter: “Holy shit”
#sci speaks#i feel obligated to put a lengthy something something in these tags just to keep the joke up. so i'll tell you about my day.#i really wanted to get chinese takeout today and yesterday but i still haven't gotten it and it's upsetting because#i'm the sort of person who if there's a thing i really want i'll just keep thinking about it restlessly until it happens.#so i guess i'll be thinking about chinese takeout for the foreseeable future. maybe one night this coming week.#i should have bigger things to worry about than when my next chinese takeout fix will be but i'm a simple man with simple needs.#i don't know if the place even takes card and i havent seen a physical note of cash in months. do i need to withdraw money.#do i need to think that far ahead. should i withdraw some money tomorrow just incase.#i really like this chicken and aubergine dish from there it's my favourite. i really love aubergine.#do you guys like aubergine? sensory delight. it melts in your mouth. aughngh. ungh. moans whorishly.
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Ep 5!!!
#Episodes that make me go “The author has never talked with a woman ever” 😓😓😓#I don't like how Lucy's character is handled at all. And I feel like I can't talk about it because I'm just going to sound like a bitter–#ss/kk shipper... But I really don't like it. And if it can help my case I'm a multishipper so I really don't take any–#issues with atsu/lucy I like the ship quite a lot actually.#So you're telling me there's this girl... Who meets this boy who pretty much ruined her life by directly causing her to lose her job...#And the next time she sees him she's going to sacrifice her own freedom for him as well as tell him “when you're done doing your things–#come and save me” (longest ewwww ever)... And when she regains freedom (author didn't bother to explain how because they don't care)–#she goes to work... As a waitress at the café beneath his workplace. So he can keep doing his Cool Superpowers Job while she literally–#must serve him every time he visits the place. It's just ?????????????????????????????????#Look‚ I don't dislike Lucy and I feel general affection towards her. It's just that they make her act like no one ever would#Just for the sake of the plot I guess#And like I knoww it's (probably just a little) more nuanced than that. I know Lucy is living her own fairy tale fantasy.#It's just that what I've said about her story is still true‚ you know?#I'm sorry but as sweet as atsu/lucy can be. I really hate the author for making Lucy a waitress. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.#It's so weird. This anime has women writing standards that feel like dating back to the 20s#Same with Katai and the ideal woman tbh. Like why are women to be seen as this abstract impersonal entities? Why can't they just be people?#Ideal for WHO. It's like super screwed up of a concept. What even is an ideal woman? What does it mean to be a woman anyways?#They just want to say “ideal wife”. But women aren't made to be wives their existence isn't functional to another person.#Sorry. I derail. Next episode is going to be even worse on this front ughhhh#Back to the episode: once again it really shows they were running out of budget with this season‚‚‚ the animation looks very suffered#Too many flashback also... I feel bad for the animators tbh#I don't really like the shift in art style :( Not even Atsushi I found particularly pretty this episode my heart cries#The nail pulling thing made me feel like throwing up afhsjyabfsbfwasfvb I feel like I can bear worse gore but there's a couple of little–#specific things I can't stand and this seems to be one of them pffftttt#I like Higuchi I think she's both very funny and cool. I really wish she was explored more (but then again looking at Teruko... )#The relationship between Kunikida and Katai looks so interesting even though we only get glimpses of it. Kunikida regrets Katai leaving–#the ada but is also happy for him but also worries for him. He comes to his house seemingly to check on him and starts cleaning around.#The way he loves him and cherishes their friendship and shared history is really evident and it makes for a compelling dynamic.#Perhaps I should read their short story... In any case. Going to someone's house and compulsively start doing the dishes half out of will–#to help out half because he can't bear the mess sounds a lot like something I'd do lol
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incredibly moved whenever someone tells me that i'm an easy person to be around when they're going through some shit. there's nothing more sacred to me than sitting with someone through death and grief and loss, things that i can't fix or do anything about except be there and let them feel their feelings without having to pretend to be chipper or hopeful or cheeruppable. i can't pretend to feel what i don't feel, which makes me weird and awkward in so many interpersonal situations, but i think it's also what makes people feel comfortable sharing this stuff with me, because they know that i won't judge them and they don't have to perform for me. i feel so lucky when i can provide that for somebody. i wouldn't trade it for anything.
#i wish my friends didn't have to go through hard shitty stuff. but when they do - because we all do sometimes - i am so thankful that#they feel they can share it with me#it's amazing how much a difference it makes to just be there and be genuine and not burden them with expectations#of how they should be reacting to something. like i guess that's pretty rare#and i sort of stumbled into it by being incapable of faking emotion. so i couldn't be fake chipper even if i wanted to#idk i feel like my first reaction when someone says this is like. i didn't even do anything?#but sometimes that's what you need! i think people get so in their head about doing and saying the exact right thing#and somehow 'fixing' someone's pain#when what actually matters is just being there. even if you don't know what to say. even if there's nothing you can do#just being there and letting them be sad. so they don't have to also be alone while they're sad#i can't make my friends less sad & that's almost never my goal. they're sad bc sad shit is happening. they need to be allowed to feel it#which i think probably also stems from my own history of depression and suicidality and the ways that people have reacted to that#i'm sure trying to help me but in reality actually just making me feel like i couldn't talk to anyone about it#because everyone just needed me to be okay#but i wasn't okay. and being expected to pretend like i was so other people wouldn't have to worry was making it harder#and more isolating. so i guess i just never want anyone to feel like if they're in pain they have to be alone#grief#relationships#my posts
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hm
thinking of my blorbos but not in a "i love you you love me all is well" way but a "i love you hope you kill me" way lol
#cylas vents#negativity#negative#death wish#lmao#bitches be like '[potentially concerning thing]' and then add 'lol' as if it's funny or a joke lmao#like i mean technically it's not but then again it is bc it's me. like yeah don't worry don't take this seriously don't mind me ok#it doesn't really matter anyway kk. or maybe it's more like I'm the joke.#like idk the thought that like most of my f/os would probably kill me on sight should be less comforting than it is i guess#imagine casually making posts like this and still being like 'ok but maybe im not actually mentally ill maybe im faking maybe im lying to#myself maybe im making excuses maybe im imagining things maybe im just lazy' etc etc#none of the antidepressants since fluoxetine decided it's over have done shit and even my psychiatrist now is always like 'hm. so do you#want to keep trying other things' and like yeah what else can i do? therapy didnt do anything for this specific issue and the tagesklinik#lady didnt really seem to get my issue (well her suggestions for like therapy groups or whatever were more about socialising or whatever#like ??? girl that's really not the main problem here lmao but she also did have a point about how i would have to actually go there every#day etc but like#what else am i supposed to do#hi i am always tired and sometimes struggle to even get out of bed and thats why i worry about getting a job or something bc it could become#too much or whatever but like unfortunately thats kind of a requirement for everything lmao#when psychiatrist asks what i want/expect or whatever i am internally like 'a magic pill that just fixes everything and makes me a normal#functional human being' but like that's just not A Thing (tm)#so. like. what else am i supposed to do.#i don't want to be like this forever#idk how to tag lmai#using stuff like#tw suicidality#tw suicidal#tw suicidal ideation#just feels so over the top and like i dont have the right to use them lol
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okay im definitely going to be away from home when sxs gens comes out i need to figure out how im going to deal with this
#its not the end of the world if i cant play it immediately i guess (though it will be painful)#im mostly concerned about pre order bonuses and how exactly i should pre order the game that sort of thing#doesnt help that im torn between physical and digital. like im probably gonna pick physical#because i hate spending more than like 15 dollars on a digital game. unless its digital only.#but theres pros and cons to both wwhich makes me worry about making the wrong choice ..#like having to miss out on stuff like an entire stage just because i dont wanna buy digital deluxe really sucks....#well digital players getting to play early isnt something i have to take into account at least since i wont be able to play anyway#switch players are excluded from playing early for some reason and im not gonna have access to my xbox because im gonna be gone#and getting it on my laptop is just out of the question entirely i dont think itd be able to handle a game like that#so . doesnt matter.#but i still have to think about the pre order bonuses . and how im gonna get the game exactly. because i really want geralds journal </3#if i go physical i can get a friend to pick it up i guess???#or maybe on my trip i can pre order it at the last minute at a store thats in the area and then go pick it up when i have the time#idkkk i have a few months to figure this out still so i dont have to rush into coming up wiht a plan but im still thinking about it
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I wish I just knew when/if I did something wrong
#the truest repairman posts#I’m probably making a big deal out of notjing but hey ho this is tumblr what is it for if not. Ranting about your emotions#A little too personally#I’m glad my cat is here honestly because I’d probably be reacting worse if she wasn’t here#I won’t remember this in a month so I don’t need to worry about it jaw clenched hands shaking#I guess I should have expected this I mean what’s the point of feeling like you’ve done something wrong and being upset when it’s confirmed#I just wish I knew what because now it’s the triple element of#If I did something wrong feeling guilty for that#If I didn’t and someone is just upset with me feeling guilty for causing that#And if someone is just a dick not caring about what they say but immediately worrying that by brushing it off as some shitty comment im#Ignoring someone who I actually upset#I shouldn’t get this worked up over something it’s 100% because I’m so tired#I was just already feeling so shit and then it was just confirmed like that… I wish I had someone to talk to now even so I could feel like#Haven’t upset EVERYONE at least#God I hope someone was just being a dick so I can stop giving a fuck#I’m too old to get upset like this man#Sorry for the long tags ig#Vent#Yeah we’re getting there I’d say#Probably should have tagged my like. One other post as vent too
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I'm writing AGAAAAAAIN
And it's TRRAAAAAAASH
But I don't CAAAAAAARE
Because it's FUUUUUUNN
#What is wrong with you Sam you should not be allowed to write#I guess sometimes you just have to resign yourself to writing extremely trashy rarepair AUs that will only appeal to like three people#It is The Way#Y'all motherfuckers don't care about Chricky?! WELL GUESS WHAT after I'm done with this...you will continue to not care about Chricky!!#But I'll be happy! 😀#On a more serious note I am dubious about the quality of this writing#Methinks this second chapter is going to expose how out of my depth I am with this AU 😬#But I've wanted to write a proper multi-chapter fic for a long time now since it's been forever#And against all odds it's *this* idea that I've thought about the most and have something resembling a story taking shape in my mind#And it's FUUUUUUUUN for me at least so maybe that's all that matters?#Still need to actually complete that outline though#And perhaps a separate doc just to catalogue all of the superfluous smut ideas I have in mind for this fic#When I say I've thought about this AU too much and have an embarrassing amount of ideas for it I mean it baybeeeeee#And at this point it's like...I almost don't care if it's bad? Like what'll happen if it sucks - am I gonna get sued LOL#So perhaps I should just Do The Thing and not worry about whether The Thing is Good or not#IDK these tags are out of control STFU Sam JEEEEEZ
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there's something specifically inside my head that is closing up that makes trusting anything so hard. i have to manually keep my mind open to the potential of anything being significant. i am so used to things being bad and things hurting and things not working and being powerless that it takes an exorbitant amount of mental energy to make sure I don't let myself shut down possibility. and I do it because I never want a certainty inside of me besides love to rule anything. but I want my brain elastic again. i want it open like breathing. it doesn't erase the unfairness or the critique or any of the bitter-built philosophy.
#it's so hard to describe what I mean. i think it's the combo of the like. specific part of my brain's development + the amount of trauma#I have endured + the degree of which that has been taking place on a backdrop of the world being incredibly injust no matter what I do#this is very very silly but the extent of how much this impacts me was made clear by how like. closed off I was to even liking an album by#my favourite singer. like obviously I am obsessively keeping myself open I would never let my preconceived sense of doom and stubbornness#control my willingness to let things in#but it shouldn't be so hard to keep my mind open to things like... liking my favourite musician of most of my life's music...........#and that's a VERY silly example but that's why it's easier to talk about. it takes so much work to be open enough for things like therapy#or religion because they've damaged me so much#how am i supposed to handle this on a backdrop of constant constant helplessness in the face of living insecurity and illness and trauma?#the problem is if you try so so so hard again and again and remain hopeful regardless of how illogical that hope is#but you get let down so constantly since you're never stop trying ever even when systems fail you again and again#and you're watching horrible things happen and everything that shapes you is horror#then regardless of how much you try it's so hard to let yourself let go of the very realistic lived experience of doubt and critique#and I DO. do NOT get me wrong. I am obsessive and refuse to be my own problem#but the act of doing so shouldn't be like this. it's in everything i do. from simple things like listening to new music to even the mere#possibility of a future#i am very worried this one is going to be misinterpreted bc I AM NOT saying I'm stubborn in the face of systems that have repeatedly failed#me. I AM NOT. I am saying to not be shouldn't take this work when it envelops the rest of my life.#if anyone reads this far please please acknowledge the degree of which I almost pathologically try again and again when I can guarantee#nearly everyone wouldn't and still fight to keep myself open to hope because that's just something in me that is like that. but BEING like#that is. repeatedly putting yourself in situations where you are powerless already and helpless to get better and then are hurt more and#there's no way to escape it's just the repeated nature of it and then trying to not be the issue.#it's the problem in itself.#my ambition SHOULD be smarter.#god I'll go into this when I fully understand it another time. i don't think i have this phrased in a way to make all the dots of what i#mean correlate in the significant ways to anyone but me#but hey i guess i'm expecting anyone to read this in a light to misperceive me in the first place instead of accept maybe I'm not explainin#well or giving me the benefit of the doubt. see.#delete
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guess whose therapist thinks she could benefit from inpatient treatment
#got really depressed and a bit suicidal during my session today#im not actively suicidal rn but i feel so hopeless and i just want to give up resulting in some suicidal thoughts#the thoughts of hurting myself are getting louder and more overwhelming#so im not at a point rn where i think i need inpatient but im worried about getting worse#im going to nyc this weekend and seeing 2 shows and some of my favorite broadway actors but i do not feel excited#i want to feel excited but i just dont. i should be excited. if this doesn't make me feel something#then i doubt anything will.#reminds me of late may/early june when i wasnt excited for my birthday or the taylor swift concert because i did not want to live anymore#im worried that this is a warning sign. i feel like ive made so much progress with treatment in the last 10 months#but i feel like i haven't made enough progress and i feel like ive hit a wall and there's no improvement to be made#because I've tried like everything. i feel so hopeless. ive been in treatment for almost a year.#even inpatient i doubt would help me. like ive been there and done that. i spent nearly 20 days in inpatient last summer#only benefit would be seeing my doctor sooner but that's assuming i could even get a bed in the 11 person unit she works inpatient at#what benefit would seeing my doctor even do? we've tried almost everything and im on the max dose of most my meds#idk what to do#i feel like im running out of options. the only depression treatments i havent tried are ketamine and ect#i guess my options are ketamine ect suicide or continuing feeling how i feel now but i dont know how much longer i can live like this
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.
#im so tired of this lalalalalalalalaa#something is Wrong lol#i really need this therapy on wednesday but guess WHAT im not going. im going to a funeral instead 🤡#and ill be singing in that stupid fucking church because have to but i dont fucking wanna i hate doing it and i hate churches#all i feel rn is the overwhelming urge to selfdestruct and like obv im not gonna kms now#but im so fucking angry that im not even *allowed* to do that anymore. like it was such a comfort all this time to know that i can just Quit#and now i cant because guess what someone has to take care of my mother 🫠 and im so fucking tired of being someone people depend on#to handle THEIR feelings and THEIR emotions and just take it all with humility and acceptance and kindness and never snap and bite back#like i dont WANNA hear about your dead husband i dont wanna hear about your stupid fucking boyfriend#i dont wanna hear about the new guy/girl who's hitting on you because you're so hot and perfect#i dont wanna be responsible for how people feel. i should just shut up and take it and be humble and never ask or expect anything back#but when is it MY turn to call at 1 am crying about how im tired and want to kms#or to start expecting shit of people and allow myself to get properly angry at them for not meeting those expectations#or to braggingly 'complain' about something the other person clearly lacks without any consideration for their feelings#or to just openly cry and say deeply personal shit without any filter not caring if that other person is clearly uncomfortable af#because *i* need it right now and i need someone to listen and let them worry about how to even respond to that stuff#im just so tired of people expecting shit of me im tired of being made responsible even tho i clearly cannot handle that responsibility#i wanna be mean i wanna snap and get angry and openly say that i dont give a shit and am tired and cant listen to this rn#but i cant because i have to be a motherfucking mother theresa and never dare to demand something for myself#and idk where that comes from. idk if it's coming from the fanatic catholicism of my childhood or my mother or just from myself and idc#i just feel so horrible and guilty and wrong for wanting anything for myself#and it once again feels like im making myself the victim and the tortured martyr here when i should just shut up and take it#i just wanna lie down and die and not care about who'll get angry or judge or blame me for it im tired and i dont know what to do#i want someone to take care of ME and reassure ME and make ME feel like i matter and that they really will help me if i ever need it#and that they'd be kinda sad if i were gone not because i had a role to fulfill that i failed at by killing myself but because i am a person#<- math calculations flying around my head as i come to the terrible realisation#of just why exactly im so deeply obsessed with my voice teacher (aside from her being literally the most beautiful woman alive lol) 🤡#like babygirl stop being so utterly overwhelmingly kind to me my knees are weak i would do anything for you queen and I MEAN IT
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the games i make in the future i would love to have decent modding support for but i cant imagine how to even go about that. it would probably be more work than im really willing to put into that but ig im worried people will lose interest after a while if it isnt moddable
#i guess this is something i should worry about when i get there or at least like. after ive even started MAKING the games#but its been on my mind#not like super crazy mod support but like#halflife/counterstrike level stuff#letting people make custom maps and gamemodes and model replacements or whatever#but im not planning to use source as my engine so im having a hard time visualizing#what implementing that looks like and what the challenges and importantly risks of that look like#maybe i just. wont bother#id rather be focusing on the base game itself i think#shut up green
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I am Aware of how. rambly n incomprehensible I am when I respond to asks but you See tha thing is. I am Not a content creator I am Just a little guy !!
If you ask me “oh what do you think of x” my answer usually will be like. things you have reminded me of and Maybe I will cleanly connect that To x but maybe it will seem unrelated !! and Also sometimes what I think of x is. not much !!
newayz um. yea like I Like to talk to you and I like to answer asks but I don’t want you to think of me as. a content creator I guess
#this part I will hide in the tags because. it Is important and I Do think I need to say it. but I don’t want to come off as Accusatory#I am Not mad. but. pleeease please try not to make extremely similar specific requests to me and other people I interact with often#when I see. this. it makes me feel just Slightly as if perhaps you are asking because you want to see a million of whatever your request is#rather than you want to share an idea with me and see My interpretation#it just feels less. special and less Personal I guess#but again I am not Mad and I don’t want you to be upset if you think you May have done something Like this. it’s okay 🤍 I get it#and also. I don’t Think this is something you should worry about with Most people it just might upset Me personally a little bit
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Btw I’ve never talked to an actual medical doctor about my mental health issues so I have no idea how to go about it. Lol
#never been to therapy never been medicated. i just freeball my reality and my emotions and my mind#i did go to grief counselling briefly but the guy who did that was a volunteer. i mean i assume he had a certificate in something and he#absolutely did help me but he couldn’t diagnose or prescribe#i want to be diagnosed and prescribed if at all possible but i don’t know how and i don’t know if they will. i don’t know how to approach it#i mean i guess i should first address the biggest problem i’m having right now which is my mood swings and suicidal thoughts#i am worried though. like will i get sectioned if i mention the latter#like i don’t think i’ll actually do it and i specifically want help because i DON’T want to do that. but is me reassuring them of that#going to be seen as a red flag. because…#i also really don’t want to spend the whole time sitting there crying unable to talk but i probably will because i can’t talk about my#personal problems because my whole life whenever i try my mom screams at me until i stop#especially if i’m calm or apologise to her in any way. it just seems to make her angrier#it’s just like. i’m ngl the thing that’s probably helped my mental state the most was being on microgynon but i didn’t enjoy the other side#effects; and also my blood pressure is too high for it. and like.. i don’t need to take a birth control pill when what’s wrong with me#is my mood. like who cares if it’s just because of hormones. treat it all the time anyway#idk. idk! i don’t know what happens when you talk to doctors about this kind of thing. i don’t even know how bad my symptoms are#for all i know i’m entirely mentally stable. OR i could have ten disorders. i don’t KNOW#personal
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symposiumarchive
Symposium Archive