#i hate feeling stupid and incompetent and like the work i'm doing doesn't matter!

[kaladinstormsblessed]

every day i get closer to dropping out of grad school

[luceafarul-de-dimineata]

mc who ships the kings with their nobles (its an excuse for leviforas)

Mc that ships the shippers with their kings

Overall, I think none of them would think much of it because all the nobles seem to have a crush on their kings. They would mind if you started losing interest in their king because you percieve them to be in a relationship.

Paimon would, like always, be the chiller one about this whole thing. While he sometimes gets angry at his fellow shippers, he'll never get angry at you unless you do something really really stupid. Shipping him with Satan is just kind of silly in his view. He might humor you a bit, but he'll shortly cut all your hopes when he says that he has no romantic feelings for Satan and never will. Doesn't want to give you too much false hope, he just wishes you'll put your sights on what really matters.

Eligos would be dumpfounded. The whole interaction was like

Eligos: Mc! I'm so glad I've found you! I've prepared a nice bow for you to wear on your stroll with his majesty Mammon.

Mc: I'm sure Mammon likes ribbons a lot. I mean, with how close the two of you are... he sure has a thing for small cute things.

Eligos: Oh, he totally does! That's why I will make you the cutest being in Hell... behind me, of course.

Mc: No, don't worry. I don't want to tempt your man.

Eligos: My... what?

Mc: Come on, it's obvious that you and Mammon have athing for eachother. The way he pets your head for longer than anyone else, the way he always calls you his. I bet you have a full collection on lingerie just for him.

Eligos: I do, but no! No no no! I'm not in love with his majesty Mammon! Never!

Mc: First stage, denile

Eligos: First stage of WHAT?!?!?

Congratulation, you just broke Eligos' brain and made him take an emergency trip to Paradise Lost to get checked for whatever illness you implyied he had.

Foras gasps when he hears that and covers your mouth.

Foras: Mc, do you like breathing?

Mc nods

Foras: Good, then stop saying stuff like that. He always listens

Leviathan: Is this what you two are doing instead of sorting paperwork? The only reasons I allowed you two to stay together was because you're incompetent and Foras keeps getting distrected on his phone. I would strangle you both, but you're into it, you filth.

Foras: I apologise, great, powerful, handsome Leviathan for my wrong doings

Mc: I'm adding degredation to my newest fic

Leviathan: Don't flatter yourself a writer, I would never degrade Foras. He actually has qualities to speak of.

Foras: (I wish he degarded me as well)

Sorry, I've been too Leviathan possitive on my blog lately, I have to spread the hate

Amon would choke on his own spit. On one hand, hot, yes, he does want to get revaged by his king. On the other hand, that would be illegal because you're already with him. Amon is delusional, partly because he's starving, partly because that's just how he is. He would try to talk you out of it out of genuioun fear that he is breaking the law.

Gamigin would be repulsed. Lucifer is his brother, why would you ship him with his sibling? Please stop, he's really uncomfortable by the whole idea.

Mc: You know, I've been thinking about you and Lucifer recently

Gamigin: Really?! What about?

Mc: You'd look lovely together. He's so nice to you, I bet he likes you well enough in bed.

Gamigin.exe stopped working

Marbas: You need to leave!

[sarahowritesostucky]

📖"Cupids, Valkyries, Heralds, & Seraphim"

Rated: Teen

Pairing: Steve x Bucky

Tags: wing fic, angel Steve, veterinarian Bucky, supernatural, hurt/comfort, humor, meet-cute

Summary: Apparently there are all sorts of angels, and Bucky has been saddled with Steve: a terminally incompetent Cupid.

(Oh wait, I should probably go read Part 1 first)

Bucky stood there, arms crossed and blank-faced, staring, for maybe a full five seconds. “God smited you,” he repeated slowly. “... By throwing shrapnel in your wing?”

Steve sighed. “No. The shrapnel was from the fall. God just hit me with lightning.”

“'Just' some lightening?" Steve glared a little bit at Bucky from where he still sat—thankfully no longer naked, as Bucky had located some scrub pants—on the clinic’s exam table. "And yet somehow that didn’t hurt you?” Bucky checked.

“I told you: normally I can’t get hurt.” 

“Riiight. Because you’re immortal.”

“Because I exist on another metaphysical plane, yes. And God took me off of that plane and put me onto yours as a punishment. Temporarily,” he added after a moment. “I hope.”

Bucky squinted. “Uh huh.”

Steve, bless him, actually seemed rather embarrassed about what had happened, because apparently it was like a work mistake or something for the guy.

“I was out on a job,” he explained. “I missed my mark. Hit the wrong guy.”

Hit? “Your ‘mark’,” Bucky repeated. “What are you, some kind of angelic hitman or something?”

Steve’s lips twisted. “I mean, you could say that. I’m a Cupid.”

“A what now?”

“A Cupid. It’s a—”

“Yeah I think I know," Bucky cut him off. “So, what? You missed your mark and God got angry and, and smote you? … Er, smited you … smote you?”

"Yeah." Steve stared glumly down at his lap, as if God smiting him was the equivalent of him getting a bad performance review on his employee evaluation or something. "It was an easy job, okay? I got distracted when I shouldn't have, wound up impaling the wrong person."

"'Impaling'? Don’t you mean ‘shooting’?" Bucky's eyebrow rose. "As in people, with arrows?”

“Bolts,” Steve corrected. “I impale people with bolts."

"Yeah, that sounds way less violent."

"Well they don't feel it," he defended. "I told you: I operate on another metaphysical plane.”

“Riiight.”

His shoulders slumped in defeat. “It doesn't matter if you believe me or not," he mourned. "Doesn't change anything. I'm still stuck here. I still missed the shot. Still impaled the wrong guy—”

“Could we maybe stop saying ‘impaled’?”

“—And now he's going to fall in love with somebody he wasn't meant to be with. Don’t you see?”

Bucky shrugged. "You must mess up all the time then, ‘cause I hate to tell you this, pal, but that's very common." Steve glared at him and Bucky shrugged. "I mean, have you seen the divorce rate?" 

"Well that's not my fault," Steve argued. "It's not like I'm the only one."

"The only what?"

"Cupid!" Steve exclaimed. "There's tons of us."

"Oh." Bucky nodded after a beat, because what was the benefit in arguing, at this point? "Okay. I didn't know that. So ... God's pissed at you and he threw you down here?"

"Yeah," Steve grumbled. "He put me on your plane of existence as punishment. So now I can get hurt—obviously. And people can see me."

Bucky's eyes widened. “Oh, shit.” He’d been taking out the trash when Steve had suddenly crash-landed in the alleyway out back. It was currently the middle of the night and the clinic was closed (thank God—or wait: no, this was God’s fault!), but so far Bucky hadn’t thought very far past which color Coban the angel wanted his wing bandaged with (he’d chosen the roll of hot pink with purple pawprint pattern on it). He certainly hadn’t considered what he was going to do with the guy after this. "Did anybody else see you?" he asked worriedly.

“No,” Steve said, his cheeks flushing. He looked back over his shoulder at the bend of his bandaged wing. “I need to hide out somewhere. People can’t see me.” He turned his big, stupid-pretty blue eyes on Bucky. “Will you help me? Please?”

"What am I supposed to do with you?” Bucky complained. “I can't exactly conceal those."

Oh God, the clinic would be opening in a few hours. Steve couldn’t still be here when Yelena and Peter showed up for work! Bucky ran his hand through his hair in stress, looking over Steve’s very conspicuous form sitting on the metal exam table. Aside from the friggin’ twelve foot wingspan issue, Steve was also a big guy in general: very blond and perfect and half-naked and eye-catching. Bucky would’ve given him a scrub top to wear along with the pants, but: wings.

"How long until God unsmites you?" he asked. “Like a day, a week, a year?”—Oh God, please, please don't let it be a year.

Steve shrugged, then winced when the motion made pain flare in his injured wing. "I don’t know yet. I'm waiting on a Herald."

"A what now?"

"A Herald: Another type of angel."

Bucky squinted. "Wait, how many types are there?"

Bucky brought his car into the alley and made Steve throw a blanket over his shoulders to cover up most of his wings. He told him to lie down in the back seat, drove them back to his apartment building, and anxiously hustled him upstairs. 

Steve said they should be getting a visit from one of God’s messengers soon, and to just sit tight. Bucky resigned himself to a night of no sleep and put on a pot of coffee. He showed the half-naked angel on his couch how to use Netflix.

Only there was no relaxing. Certainly not for Bucky. He was getting increasingly antsy when, after another two hours, the mysterious “Herald” still hadn’t arrived. He made sure that Steve knew he couldn’t just live on his couch watching Bridgerton indefinitely: “I can’t just keep you here, Steve. My lease has a forty pound pet limit!”

Steve suggested that they make their way up to the roof, which Bucky fiercely argued against but lost the battle over anyways. The city was still mostly asleep, but Steve kept the blanket draped around his shoulders and his wings tucked in demurely—or as demurely as he could—so that if they did run into anybody, it wouldn’t be outside the realm of explainable, why Bucky was sneaking around with this oddly-shaped, half-clothed, smokin’ hot blond guy. 

Steve went over to the building’s edge, watching the minimal activity of the night time streets. Bucky stood beside him and asked about the Herald again, and thus began Steve’s very long-winded explanation of how there were four main types of angels, with each type serving its own purpose. 

Cupids were exactly what Bucky thought they were, 

Heralds served as God’s messengers and harbingers, 

Valkyries served as warriors,

and Seraphim, as far as Bucky could tell, were the closest thing to actual “angels” like most people thought of them.

Steve clearly wasn’t under celestial a gag order of any type, because he was all too happy to tell Bucky all sorts of stuff. He talked about God like he didn’t know the guy very well, but also made it clear that God did not tolerate “stupid” mistakes from his servants—which apparently Steve's mistake was. God had certainly told him so to his face, just before smiting him right out of the sky with a bolt of lightning. 

Bucky winced as he thought about that, looking out on the city with Steve at his side. “So … God’s kind of a dick, huh?” 

Steve laughed. “Eh, sometimes. Not always though. I mean I did mess up pretty bad. It’s embarrassing. And now at least a couple of other people are going to have to get shot too, wind up with different romantic futures than they otherwise would have, just to get everything back into the right order again.” He sighed. “It was an avoidable mess.”

“Well why’d you miss?”

“What?”

“The shot.” Bucky looked over to find Steve looking at him. “Earlier, you said you’d gotten distracted from the shot. What distracted you?”

Steve’s lips parted and his cheeks began to turn pink. He started stuttering over an explanation, but before he could eke out any real response, a loud whooshing and clatter came from the roof behind them.

Bucky spun around—his eyes the size of dinner plates, probably—and immediately clutched his chest at what he saw. “Shit!”

Standing only a few yards away, was a massive, gleaming white horse. … with wings. Riding it was what Bucky could only assume was another angel. 

“The fuck,” he exhaled, all the adrenaline leaving him at once as he realized that they hadn’t just been caught by other apartment dwellers come up to the roof for a smoke or something. The woman hopped off the horse and walked over to Steve like this was a totally normal occurrence. Bucky glared at her. “Christ. Do ya think the people on the floor below might’ve heard that?!” 

Given that she’d arrived on a flying horse, Bucky felt pretty safe in assuming that this newcomer was also an angel; though she didn’t have wings like Steve did, and she wasn’t naked like he’d been. In fact she seemed to be wearing a bunch of badass looking white armor.

“Steve!”

“Brunn, hey! What are you doing here?”

“Checking in on your dumb ass, of course. That’s him, isn’t it? God, you’re so predictable.”

They greeted each other as friends, with smiles and ribbing and big, back-clapping hugs, so Bucky figured he was safe to turn away to go and block the roof’s access door with an old chair that was sitting nearby. Once he’d done that, he walked back over—making sure to leave a wide berth between himself and the unnaturally large horse. 

The horsewoman looked Bucky up and down when he got over there, her mouth ticking up faintly at the corners. “You must be James ‘my-friends-call-me-Bucky’ Barnes.”

Bucky blinked. He wasn’t caffeinated enough for this. “Uh huh.” He looked over at Steve. “Is she the Herald?”

The woman snickered and Steve explained that no, she was one of the Valkyrie-types of angels. The warrior types. Okay, Bucky thought. The armor made more sense, then. As did the swords and daggers he was noticing on her person, now. Damn.

“I heard through the grapevine that Saint Steven had fallen,” the Valkyrie was saying. “I volunteered myself for messenger duty, just so I could pop down here and take the piss out of my favorite fallen angel.”

“Aw, you shouldn’t have."

“You’re fallen?” Bucky blurted, alarmed. “A fallen angel?"

“It’s not as serious as it sounds,” Steve muttered, embarrassed, and Valkyrie continued to tease him about what a clutz he was and how he had a ‘penchant for pretty boys’, whatever that meant.

“Let’s see the damage then, Stupid-Cupid,” she said, trying to get at the blanket to yank it off from Steve’s shoulders.  Steve danced around trying to prevent it,

“Stoppit! I’m not that hurt. It’s nothing.”

But eventually Valkyrie won. “If it’s nothing then you can let me see it.” Steve squirmed self-consciously as the blanket fell and she peered at his bandaged wing. “What happened?” she asked. “Bad landing?"

“Yeah. Some shrapnel from a junk pile I fell into,” Steve said, shrugging sheepishly when the other angel raised a brow at his bright pink, purple pawprint bandaging. “Um, Bucky’s a veterinarian.”

Valkyrie pursed her lips and nodded. “Well, he was gonna need you sooner or later," she said to Bucky, surprising him. "Thanks for looking after him."

“Oh, um, you’re welcome.”

“So what’s the word?” Steve asked. "Has he told you? Did he say how long I'm banished for?”

'Banished?' Bucky mouthed

“Negligible," Valkyrie said. "Just a month."

Steve gave a big sigh of relief at the very same time that Bucky yelped out, “A month?!”

Valkyrie snorted. “Oh trust me, that’s hardly even a slap on the wrist. You fuck up bad enough, sometimes you’ll get a decade or more. A month is nothing.”

Bucky’s eyes bugged out at that. A month wasn’t nothing! A month was a month!—Well, at least it wasn’t “a decade or more.” Yikes. Still, Bucky protested, “Hey, I have a job, you know. A life. I can’t just put that on hold to babysit an angel. And–and I live in the middle of New York City. There’s like nine million people here!” He gestured wildly at Steve’s hulking, winged mass standing only feet away. “How the hell am I supposed to keep this hidden for a month? He’s got a twelve foot wingspan!”

"Fourteen," Steve muttered petulantly.

Valkyrie rolled her eyes. “It doesn't matter. 'Cause God smited him and cast him down, not anything else. Why do you think he was butt-ass naked when he showed up?"

Bucky frowned, looking back at Steve in confusion. "What?"

"His wings," Valkyrie clarified. "They're of Heaven. They don’t exist on this plane. Just like my armor doesn't, or like Icarus back there. doesn't.” She nodded at the horse. “Humans don't perceive those things. It’ll be fine.”

Steve glanced down at his own naked torso. “Ah … might need to to get some shirts, though.”

“Well I hate to break it to you, Angel Lady, but I can see all of those things.” Behind Valkyrie, the very large and visible horse scraped its hoof impatiently against the rooftop. “Yeah,” Bucky said. “Definitely see ‘em.”

Valkyrie walked back to her horse and mounted it in one, graceful leap. “You can see them,” she corrected. “Because you’re the human he’s tied to. You're still perceiving his true form. But everybody else on this plane just sees his fallen form."  

“What? 'Tied to'?" Bucky frowned. "What are you talking about?"

She ignored him and looked back to Steve. “Toodeloo, Butterfingers. Have fun with that.”

In a very unangelic way, Steve flipped her the bird as she kicked the horse into motion. It spread its wings with a great 'whoosh' and beat them up and down: once, twice, three times as it ran across the roof. It went airborne, and in seconds they were gone.

Bucky watched them flying, shrinking further and further away. He felt Steve approach at his side, and they stood there together in fraught silence, until finally the Valkyrie was indistinguishable from any other flickering star in the night sky.

“Okay, buster,” Bucky said. “Spill. What the fuck was she talking about, you’re ‘tied’ to me?”

Masterlist

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This has been a fill for:

Event: @mcukinkbingo

Card: sarahyellow

Square G1: Impaling

Event: @steverogersbingo

Card: SB3088 "stark-contrast"

Square E5: Valkyrie (character)

[a-had-matter]

People are shit, dumb as fuck, idiots, incompetent, stupid, unworthy, and generally useless in general. Now, notice I am not saying every individual. Notice I am not saying everyone. But as a fucking whole there is something wrong with the way our brains work, and no we don't need help, we need to go fucking extinct.

Literally, what good have we done for this world, or in this world? Have you seen what we've done to our kind based of something someone supposedly said, and what someone's preferences are, and what they fucking look like? To the things we don't know?

We say we want to know, but we fucking don't, cause when the truth comes to face us, we're scared cause we know it's gonna eat us alive. It will tear us limb from limb, rip out our heart and then choke us. It will choke us. And we know that, but I guess "we live and we learn."

I hate our race, I hate what we've done, I hate what we're doing, I hate humanity. And notice how I've said "we" because, yeah, I am a human too, but so are you. You're just as guilty as I am for silently laughing at that kid when they got hurt. You're just as guilty for mocking someone. No matter how old, cause you're never young enough or old enough or different enough to not do something unacceptable. In general.

Yes, there are nice parts, good parts even, of life. The trees in a forest. The moon and stars hidden by the clouds. The sun hidden by a cloud. Animal life. Plant life. That one place that seems almost otherworldly, it's so untouched by mankind. "Mankind." Ooh, don't even get me started on that one.

And yes, there are even good parts of human life. (I know right?! Can you believe it???) When a baby smiles at you, or Christmas time in a certain place at a certain time. When you feel welcomed. When you realize you have home. When it's cold, and then you walk into a warm store. Or the opposite, when it's cold in a store and you walk outside on a sunny day.

There are more, since there is more most of the time, and if you can name some, let me know. But also how ever many good things you list, list the same amount of bad things. Like if you say childhood friendships, also think childhood abuse. When you think acceptation, think rejection of someone that you thought loved you. When you think good hair day, think of one where you are treated like dirt so often, you decide you'd want to be 6 foot under.

Another thing to think about is how you'd feel about dying. I am not necessarily opposed to the idea, but opposed to the pain. As long as I don't have to do much, and it doesn't hurt, I'm fine about whatever comes next. (I do not mean you specifically the entire time. in some of my examples, I use it in the other sense. Like, a writers sense but not 2nd person. (example "they were so cold to her, you could feel it." or whatever. In 3rd person.))

I'd like to hear people's perspective on this topic. It is something I kinda think about on a regular basis.

[mayasdeluca]

My thoughts on the S19 episode...I might be all over the place

Since when DON'T they help people that come to the firehouse for treatment? Especially since it did look like it was a couple of sutures. They delivered a baby at the firehouse and helped the passed out husband. And don't doctors take an oath to help no matter what? I doubt that would've cost Carina her medical license.

The ego that Sullivan has that what he did was okay and what Maya did was not is bullshit. Maya was right, they were both anti Beckett and additionally Beckett was anti Sullivan (and Ward?) so Maya got burned on both ends. Also news flash Sullivan, you were sleeping with the Chief, whereas you accused Beckett (even though he was drinking) on a hunch. Also Beckett's mint habit is definitely masking something. They focused way to much on his reliance on them.

How many times did they mention Carina could be pregnant in the episode? It was like every other line, take a beat you were inseminated like 30 seconds ago. That means it didn't take OR she IS and that will cause friction between Maya and Carina as Carina said she doesn't want to have a baby with Maya until she gets help. It wouldn't be a bad thing for Maya to talk to someone, at least to unpack a lot of the anger she carries around from her childhood and now. But why are they making it seem like everyone hates Maya at the house like when she first became Captain. The only one she pissed off was Beckett (and Sullivan), everyone else seems to be cool with her or they don't know. It's just piling on drama for drama sake. I hope they have some resolution planned.

And I just found it really funny that the major annoyance with Jack/Grey is the way he uses his hands and they solved it by handcuffing him in the scene. I didn't really get his hostility to Maya about the sperm bank being closed though. Was it because through the testing for being the donor he found his family and his world crumbled?

I found that weird too...like is it because it wasn't a clinic day or what? But I thought if any person came in that needed help, the firehouse helped so it was clearly just to have Ben act like uptight and annoying to "become like his wife". That's the annoying part with Station 19. All of the things they do with these characters have other motives for drama purposes and they don't even care if it doesn't fit the development or personality of the character. They would rather have it suit their narrative before staying true to the character's persona and that's super frustrating. I'm still mad that made Carina look incompetent because of it too, like give me a break.

These writers are so obsessed with making Sullivan have this god complex and it's sickening. Even when he does stupid things and deals with "consequences" it's like he ends up right back in the spot he started in as if he barely had to suffer. And when he does suffer he plays victim and has people worrying about him and vouching for him but Maya? No. It's like people are either against her or not even acknowledging her. I also think the mints with Beckett has to mean something, he's probably still drinking but I bet if Maya were to find that out, no one will believe her or some nonsense like that.

It does feel like they had Carina mention being pregnant a lot and I hope it's not just because she really wants to have a baby like Stefania was hinting at. They better not make it her whole personality but I do feel like it's going to impact things with her and Maya and I think this try did work and she will be pregnant just to further complicate things. I'm sure Carina won't even tell Maya right away or it will be in some dramatic fashion because they never tell each other anything first, it's always to other people which is another thing that drives me nuts. It's fine if they confide in others sometimes but it's literally ALL the time and then it leads to them fighting with each other for not communicating. I do hope they show Maya eventually agreeing to getting help and talking with someone but who knows if they will.

Haha I know...at least we were free of the hand movements for at least an episode. I just find it so irritating that they are doing a similar story with him that they are with Maya and they already have Andy worried about him and wanting to help and yet no one even cares about what Maya is going through. It's so stupid. And his comment to Maya was obnoxious and unnecessary, I guess it does bring up bad feelings for him since that's how he found out about his biological brother and learned about his parents and stuff but that's not her fault. He's annoying and I hope Carina continues to be cold towards him.

[redtalksaboutstuffandthings]

The store I work at does this thing, on occasion, where they give people coupons that take effect at weird times. The circulars go out on Sunday, but the deals don't count until Wednesday. I hate these, because it always leads to the same confrontation. Somebody looks up at the price, angrily wants to know why the discount didn't come off, hands me the coupon. Then I'm forced to show them the circular, to point to the place where they got the coupon. I'm supposed to point out the big red sale sign where, in big bold letters, they blatantly spell out that the coupon doesn't take effect until Wednesday.

I feel like I have to treat people like they're dumb. I have some flavor of this conversation a dozen times a day, where some person either misses the fine print or fails to understand the mechanics of a coupon scheme we've been running for years or grabs the wrong bag of shrimp from the seafood thing and no, Ma'am, it's not the bag of shrimp that's on the coupon. Do you see the front of the package on the coupon? Do you see how yours is a completely different color?

And to make matters worse, there's the nagging thought in the back of my head. "Oh, these people are being rude about it. They're combative, and acting all entitled. I wouldn't be surprised if it turns out they're just pretending to be incompetent, so that I'll take pity on them and just punch the coupon in, manually." And that's... a nasty thought pattern to fall into. Even if it turned out to be true, for some people, is that how I want to interact with people? Do I really want to foment a conspiracy in my own mind that customers are willing to feign colorblindness, just so they can save a few bucks on overpriced shrimp?

People don't pay attention. Coupons hide information in the fine print. That big red block above the coupons? That's ad copy. People just don't look at ad copy. They only care about what the product is, and what the price difference is. They get the circular on a Sunday, they're used to the coupons being useful on Sunday because that's how it is most other weeks. People aren't stupid. They just don't fully parse all the information that my awful store expects them to deal with, every time they want to get two bucks a pound off of pork chops.

Companies deal in confusion. Attention, like willpower, is a finite resource. Some people have more of it than others. Exploiting those who can't painstakingly scrutinize every pixel of every circular of every grocery store in easy driving distance, is one of the only morally grey ways capitalism can exploit people. The optimal shopping trip would require spreadsheets and painstaking recordkeeping, and even then you'd probably lose money on gas by the time you went to the third store. They count on the fact that you won't think too hard about it, that you'll accept the deal offered to you with nothing more than a vague grumble to the cashier about how everything's getting expensive.

So, I dunno where this ramble is going. I want to assume people are people, and not agents of spite trying to wheedle me for petty advantages. It seems like the latter is a very silly thing to think. But also literally why do they always pick out the most expensive bag of shrimp, when they do this thing? Why is it always the high tier shit they pull, when it's always the cheapest bag that's on sale? Is there such a thing as purple/blue colorblindness, or no?

[crystalelemental]

Decided hey, let's try out an F2P clear of CS at max points. What could go wrong? It's basically just the 10k meta again, right? RIGHT?

General Overview Yeah, if the teams aren't obvious, it kinda kicked my ass. Pure F2P has always been fairly reliant on staggering effects, and in the interest of not dealing with RNG, I went with more sleep than usual. Thing is, Sleep in CS is kind of a pain in my ass, because things get thrown off really easily. Oh no, they used an X item instead of an attack, timing is now completely fucked. Even if they didn't, when you sleep center a second time, they're out of X item so the right side gets a shot in. It's just a whole mess. It really didn't help that I'm dealing with some of the worst types in the game to deal with on an F2P budget. I'm sure that's fairly obvious just from looking. But, for what we do have, let's talk how it all went.

Vs. Lorelei Fuck this evasion spamming bitch. So many lost runs just due to a single miss, and she has the audacity to throw up Crit Shield. I initially tried with Bruno and Maylene, but they could not do it at all. Like I'm sorry, I really tried. I went with MC Solgaleo and Marley because Solgaleo is strong, and Marley provides enough speed to alleviate the gauge issues. But fuck man, this was obnoxious. You know what saved it? Half Ally HP. I hate using this condition, but watching Zinfogel mess with it and realizing that it doesn't matter if we have half HP if they almost never hit us made me try it. The damage...is much better once the extra Strength is removed.

Vs. Bruno My initial plan was to see how bad it would go if I attempted to make Clay work, using Hop as the partner. Did you know the sides in this fight have Overheat? Guess who's weak to Fire. So yeah, Hop does Hop things and fails me constantly. I jumped right to stall. Hapu is incompetent, Clay isn't working, time to ditch all of this and just cheese. The worst part? Defense Crush and Mind Crush 9 on Onix. So even with BP Morty's excellent healing, he went down. Because Bruno will just tear through his defenses. This stage feels kinda messed up for a Ground-weak stage. Like...Ground is really hard to shop for, man. Why does this fight have so much operating against F2P?

Vs. Agatha Yeah, this one was easy. Shauntal is just very, very strong, and while I disparage her sync all the time, it admittedly is nice to use in this situation. Ghost F2P feels honestly like the strongest type right now. Lodge Morty's buffs perfectly complement Shauntal's needs, and Agatha's disruption sees their buffing through just fine.

Vs. Lance Alright, we had to turn off Half HP and put Strength +2 on, then give all Fairy gear, in order for Valerie to tank Lance's sync. Because Whitney wasn't in a flinching mood and couldn't stall him out until second sync. Which is unfortunate but what can you do? Valerie's on-type sync feels like it should be a lot better than it was, and I'm not sure if I just messed up somehow or what. I'm still not certain. But whatever, she got it done.

Vs. Blue Silver's an easy win condition, so I opted for something else. Been a while since I ran my girl Dana, and decided to bring in Lodge Calem for Fire damage. He is decisively worse than Silver. "Why Venusaur?" Trying to stall out early turns. Guess what. Didn't work. We got zero sleep denials the entire fight. They just kept using X items and shifting the turn order on me. We slowed down nothing, and Dana had to carry a 2v3 fight, basically. Thankfully, SEUN on Calem's Heat Wave does some really good damage, and his initial sync having it too is excellent. I kinda want to EX him at some point, but that's a very stupid decision. Still. Fennekin.

[rayofsunas]

s/o who dies.

A/n: listennnn, I wasn't going to write something dark, but then I unregretfully decided to listen to edgy/dark audios and I was suddenly in the mood to write this so yeah lmao. also, guess what? I'm planning on making a discord server right after posting this! so, be on the lookout for that when I get it all sorted out. also, note for Scaramouche's that the reader inserts tend to lean more femininely versed (I hope that's okay), the only reasons why I do that is because one I simp and I'm female AND two since I am doing a mini-series for Scara, I've kind of based his imagines/fics around that universe (baby daddy universe). I haven't started his yet, but consider these part of that series' universe. anyways as always thank you for requesting anon and enjoy! <333

Summary: you die + how the boys cope afterward.

Parings: Albedo/Gn! Reader, Xiao/Gn! Reader, Scaramouche/Fem! Reader

Warnings: swearing, angst, death, poison, illness/cancer, murder, arson, obsessive behavior

Word count: 2.1k

Albedo

"You need to keep this on your head." Your lover said for the one-hundredth time, placing the cold cloth on your forehead once again after taking it off only seconds earlier.

"This is pointless," You said, no longer wanting to ignore nor hide behind the invisible thick curtains of the obvious death sentence approaching. "My body rejected the medicine the first twice doses, what's a third time going to do?" You asked, knowing Albedo wouldn't answer; your hope was to knock some sense into his thick skull. but he was too worried trying to ignore the obvious as you had previously been doing, not anymore though.

This was saddening to watch, both Albedo's unfolding and the girl who accidentally poisoned you, whimpering into Sucrose's shoulder. She was only a young girl, barely seventeen when she was chosen to work under Sucrose and your boyfriend. She was very good at Alchemy and luckily had a desire to practice the craft. But unfortunately, she hadn't paid much attention when it came to Surcrose's educational poison lesson and had unknowingly mixed up poisonous liquids and materials.

After tipping over some clutter in Albedo's office and knocking over a test tube laying unsealed on the counter, you had realized the contents spilled on your skin, bleaching into your pores. You had been tasked with bringing the famed alchemist and his assistant some vials and materials for the collection of a rare butterfly they had found. It was both telling and obvious that something was wrong when you never showed up with the required materials requested and it was already too late hours later when the chief Alchemist, his assistant, and Alchemist in training came bounding down the stairs of Albedo's home laboratory.

It didn't take long for the trio to realize something was wrong. Sucrose had found the vile on the floor, most of its contents spilled and in a little puddle, plus your state on a nearby lounge chair was obvious; slumped awkwardly, forehead visibly sweating, eyes closed, breathing raspily.

You accepted the first doses of the supposed nullifying medicine without hesitation, just wanting the numbing feeling to go away. But when it never kicked in you decided it would be best to save the medicine, because it wasn't working. Your time was coming.

"Since the medicine is taking immediate effect, you should try to get the contents out of your system," He said, reaching out for you. Badly you wanted to argue that the medicine wasn't working at all, but he wasn't listening and already has his lean arms wrapped around your middle, helping gently lift and guide you over to the sink.

You hear materials being shoved to the side and soon enough you had your head dangling over the sink, shaking hands gripping the metalled edge tightly. Soon enough, Albedo's hand was on your back rubbing up and down, hoping to comfort you, it wasn't working though. You could only think about your death, what the other side would look like. Could there even be heaven or hell, maybe a place in between, maybe nowhere...?

As soon as you felt the urge to vomit, you did, and despite it being utterly disgusting Albedo seemed to welcome it happily. He took this as something good, but it only worried you when you saw the reddish hues in the bile.

"I think they should leave." You muttered acknowledging Sucrose and Elizabeth, the taste of gooey, metal only becoming more apparent. The blonde agreed, nodding and muttering "Okay."

As Sucrose lead Elizabeth towards the stairs, the pair heard you say. "Goodbye Sucrose, Elizabeth." Which only seemed to make the young girl wail louder.

You sighed sadly once the silence was back. Just your thoughts of death, and Albedo's slowly crushing heart.

"You should probably leave soon as well. I don't want you to be here when I go." Albedo frowned at your statement, head shaking.

"Don't say things like that."

Of course, he'd say that. Why did he feel the need to ignore this when it would only come back to hurt him even more later on when you were gone?

"You're the smartest man I know and we both know where this is heading," You said, head feeling much heavier than before. It was getting closer to your time. "I'm going to die, and you can't do anything about it."

"I'm not leaving your side. We promised to stick together through everything, you can't ask me to leave."

"I guess... But promise me this."

"When I go, stop blaming Elizabeth. It was an accident..." You said sincerely. Albedo wanted to make a fuss about it, tell you he'd never been able to forgive her. But for you, he would try. If it was your list desire, your last wish, he'd make it come true. Though it would be difficult. Accidental or not, she was the reason you were leaving him here, alone.

"Okay, I'll try..." He said honestly.

"Thank you," You said, letting out a shaking breath you had been holding for a very long time. Now you felt much more peaceful. "And since I know you stubbornly won't leave," You started, finally turning away from the sink to look into his cerulean eyes. "At least hold my hand."

"Of course, love."

even a year after your death, no matter how hard he tried, there was still this nagging feeling every time he looked at Elizabeth

he wanted too badly forgive her, but he couldn't

she had, although accidental, taken the one person that meant so much to him and he'd never forgive

Albedo is gonna be distant towards everyone he knows and it's completely purposeful

he doesn't like the pitiful gazes that people send his way and he hates that all the captains stared at him at your funeral

obviously, some questioned if he was able to stay in the field

he hadn't taken any time off, even when Jean advised he was welcome and that it would be best

tbh, albedo's going to have a hard time for a while

Xiao

Why did it have to be you? Why not him? He'd feel much better knowing you could live another day, after all, he'd been living a very long time.

But no, the fallen Archons, Gods, Yaksha had chosen you to join them. He wished that weren't the case

Humans and their pathetic vessels... So weak, he thought. Allowing something like cancer to beat them.

No matter how harsh it sounded, he didn't despise you, no. It wasn't your fault. You didn't ask for this. He just knew that if you were a godly being this wouldn't have happened like this or at least not so soon; Xiao had known Gods that had terminal illnesses to live years. Why couldn't you be like them?

He hated watching you lie there in that bed, immobile, sickly, and tired, and all you could say was that everything was going to be alright, that he'd be alright.

But it wasn't. He wouldn't be okay without you. He would struggle daily, fall deeper into a hole. You were the light of his life, the only light in his life. And you were gone, just like that. Turning external scars into internal ones tattered all over his dying heart.

Xiao for the longest time has been by himself, so the people of Liyue know it'll be harder for him to overcome this, no matter what he says or does to prove otherwise

Zhongli in particular knows how hard this will be for his friend

his first and probably last love, dead, gone in the blink of an eye

he'll continue fighting all the monsters he crosses, becoming even more violent when he does so, trying his best to get rid of this stupid sickly feeling of heartbreak

but it won't go away, no matter what he does, no matter how absurd

he just wants the feeling to go away, he despises that feeling so much

if you have a secret place somewhere, like in the mountains, Zhongli often finds him there, wallowing in invisible self-pity

"You know they wouldn't want you to be like this." Zhongli would say, only trying to help

but it doesn't

it only enrages Xiao, even more, fuels him to push everyone out of his life again instead of letting them in like he'd done in your presence

Scaramouche

How dare you. How dare you leave him like this. Alone, nonetheless with a toddler to raise who kept crying for her mommy. He couldn't do this without you, he didn't know how to raise a child, speak to her with the gentle care that you did. That was your expertise but now he'd be doing it solo.

And never again would he entrust someone who he cares about, into ignorant, incompetent arms. Never again will he ever allow any member of the Fatui to watch after his daughter; no matter their rank or position. They had one job while he was away doing business in Liyue. Guard your home twenty-four seven, accompany you into Inazuma's port town should you need anything, watch after his daughter while she plays happily in the luscious Inazuma fields. And they couldn't do that. All he gave them was one simple task, watch and keep you and your daughter safe. Instead, they slacked off, probably drunk in some bar while you were being brutally attacked by murderous mercenaries, left to fend for you and your daughter, only to die protecting her and leave your home to be severely burned.

He knew those idiotic Fatui soldiers were incompetent the moment he stepped foot into the harbor and found that everyone seemed to quiet down. Especially the eerily silent soldiers flanked on each side to welcome him home; he was the highest-ranking soldier in the land of Inazuma after all. Not a single one bothered to step forward and tell him what was wrong, what they all criminally allowed happen. Scaramouche only realized what had happened when he was mere minutes away from arriving home, his daughter had come running from his widowed mother's arms, the sight of smoke rising in the air, from the direction of his home. You were nowhere to be seen.

It all happened so fast, in the blink of an eye. His daughter was clinging to his shirt and his mother only stared with tears of pity.

It didn't take long for the puzzle pieces to be put together and before he knew it, Scaramouche was standing in front of his home, part of it burnt to a crisp and black.

He didn't need to ask what happened, he didn't need to know where you were, because he already knew. What he didn't know was who exactly had done this. But he was going to find out, now.

Incompetent, selfish, bastards. They would all pay for this. The lazy piggish Fatui soldiers who he should've never trusted with such a simple task and the thieves who had murdered you. They all had it rightfully coming.

Scaramouche hates the world after he lost you

he hates it so much and can't understand how this had happened

he's not a good person, so he blames it on karma and those stupid idiots who couldn't protect you

ngl, he's not gonna be around much after your death... his mother would argue that he should be here to raise your daughter, because she's also in pain and doesn't understand that this isn't some game of hide and seek this time

instead, he's focused and driven by revenge

he doesn't listen to a word anybody says, he's much more dangerous than before, and he only trusts his judgment

anyone trying to get him to stop his mission, is someone who doesn't want to see him happy he thinks (though that's not true at all. they hate that he is obsessive over this) but he will personally put a stop to that

and he'll only return home to his daughter and mother when he finds who did this and they along with their bloodline is exterminated

while he's gone, the remainder of his family is relocated somewhere he knows they'll be safe, for example, even though he despises childe, he knows his mom and daughter will be safe with his family

sorry, but Scaramouche will hold this deep-rooted hatred and love for you after you die

yes, he still loves and misses you dearly, but he hates you for leaving him alone, hates that although it wasn't intentional and out of your control, that you were gone

no matter how hard you tried to fight, it was selfish of you to leave him like this

he's not going to stop until he believes whoever was behind this is dead

and in his case, he'll stop believing when he chooses, even if they are innocent/guilty, he'll keep going

3.19.21, rayofsunas

[effei-s]

remember shatter-me juliette who really cared for people? yeah, that's her now.

six soldiers die protecting juliette in restore me.

juliette: i'm too busy fucking my boyfriend to care about them (dudes probably had wives, kids, relatives, etc, but alas).

sector 45 wiped from the face of earth, all people are gruesomely murdered (it's anderson we're talking about, their deaths were probably very brutal and painful).

juliette: i'm too busy throwing a birthday party for my boyfriend to care about some random dead people. yeah i said that i'm gonna lead them, i said that i'm gonna change their lives for the better, i promised to protect them, i gave them false hope, i was the reason why they’ve committed treason that punished by death under the laws of their TOTALITARIAN government...

BUT, TO BE HONEST, ALL I REALLY CARE ABOUT IS SUCKING MY BOYFRIEND OFF, SO THEY KINDA HAD IT COMING... SHOULDN'T HAVE TRUSTED A 17 YEAR OLD. WHAT DID THEY EVEN EXPECT? THAT I'M GONNA BE A GOOD LEADER? THAT I'M GONNA TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY WORDS AND ACTIONS? THAT I'M ACTUALLY GONNA WORK TO MAKE THEIR LIVES BETTER??? LOOOOOL! I FIGHT FOR A SECOND CHANCE OF JOY!!! FOR ME!!! not for some random strangers 😊😊😊.

[off-topic, but that birthday party was so cringy.

(not me defending walking dildo on main, but fuck my life that scene was really painful to read. it was so bad that i genuinely felt sorry for him (and it says a lot considering that my usual emotion towards him is contempt).

so on his first “normal” birthday she: throws him a surprise (he hates surprises), they in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by people who either tried to kill juliette or were planning to flee from sector 45 three minutes after warner and juliette got captured. And the cutest part: she and a bunch of random strangers bullied (it’s exact word mafi used: he’s bullied into blowing candles) him into doing something he’s clearly uncomfortable doing. and he did it only because juliette wanted him to. not because he himself wanted to try something new, not because she put some thought and effort into creating a safe space for him (you know something that would supposed to be very important, considering his history and all the terrible things that happened to him in the past). not because she helped him to make a transition from “your birthday is the worst day in a year” to “we’re together, you’re safe, let’s try to do things differently”.

no. she presented him with fait accompli and he left with no choice but to say yes.

OH MY GOD! THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT ANDERSON WAS DOING TO HIM HIS ENTIRE LIFE! isn’t it great that Juliette keeps this tradition alive?

long story short, he’s also got lame stupid-ass vanilla-boring cake.

/warner, sweety, i’m so sorry, i’m so sorry…/

(OK, BUT WHY THE FUCK I HAVE MORE EMPATHY TOWARD THE GUY THAT I REALLY DESPISE, THAN THE LOVE OF HIS FUCKING LIFE???

oh wait I know, because it wasn’t about warner, it was about juliette (ME ME ME! LOOK AT ME! I’M SUCH A GOOD PERSON! LOOK AT ME! ME! ME! I DID IT! I! I! I! MEEEEEE! AM I NOT THE BEST PERSON YOU’VE EVER MET???) and fan service, shittone of fan service).

end of off-topic]

last but not least:

emma suffers in agony every minute of her life and begs juliette to kill her so she won’t feel this pain anymore.

juliette: denies her this wish because she wants to get her sister back and then she doesn't think about emma at all, because, guess what???? SHE'S TOO BUSY FUCKING HER BOYFRIEND!!!

it really doesn’t matter that she broke every promise she made, because she’s a main character and therefore she will never be held responsible for her fuck ups. no matter how many people die or suffer because of her incompetence. at the end of the day everyone is kissing her ass and acting like she’s a second coming of jesus christ.

i really don’t know who had it worse in terms of character assassination: her or warner.

instead of creating interesting plot and making characters multi dimensional, mafi writes torture porn just to be edgy (because after weeks of gruesome experiments (at one point evie was burning juliette’s skin off, while she was conscious) there’s no mental consequences at all, five minutes later juliette's absolutely happy and she joyfully fucks walking dildo the second she gets the chance). then mafi writes this FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC AMA GIVE YOU A CAKE HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU WARNER bullshit and calls it a day.

[mrthomasdoherty]

i hate romantic blam so much but for some reason, everyone else adores them and says stupid shit like "blam would be so much better than toxic klaine, their friendship was so strong and they always supported one another unlike klaine"

first off, i think that if people don't think klaine was supportive, they watched the wrong show.

second, do these idiots realize that if blam had actually happened, the writers would have ruined them the way that they "ruined" klaine?? like...are they really dense enough to not realize this?

kurt and blaine had a fairly innocent friendship in s2 and look how that turned out.

people act like crackships are better because since it never happened on the show, they can create their own version of what would happen with the pairing, so they can make their ship unproblematic and hold them to an impossible standard that canon ships would never reach.

but the truth is that given the opportunity, if blaine and sam had dated (which i am so thankful that they didn't) their relationship would have been "ruined" as well, because the glee writers are just that incompetent.

also, going based solely on canon and not meta-wise, kurt and blaine's issues are kurt and blaine's own individual issues. if blaine was dating sam, he'd still be "clingy" and "needy" and would still have issues with self-confidence and abandonment and would still be every part of himself that caused his issues with kurt.

that just doesn't change just bc he's dating someone different. so i imagine that a lot of the fights and problems would be the same tbh.

i forgot to add that the finale of glee just shows why blaine and sam would never work. blaine is a city boy. he belongs in NYC, that's where he thrives and that's where his dream is. sam, per his own words, needs to be out in the open space - he needs to be in lima, ohio. blaine offers sam a room in his apartment and sam actually declines it, because that's not where he belongs. it's not where he could ever be truly happy.

so if canon blaine and sam were ever to get together, their relationship would never last because no matter where they lived, one of them would be unhappy. i'm sorry to all you blam shippers but they are just fundamentally incompatible just like finn and rachel.

oh, and sam is straight. but apparently that's a controversial opinion now because if men are affectionate and open with other men then they must be gay or bi 🤪🤪

THAT LAST PART THO. I mean, I'm agreeing with everything you said, BUT THAT LAST PART IS A PET PEEVE. And not in the sense that no one should be shipping what they want, even if in canon the character is straight. But in the sense that preaching about men needing to be more open about affection, be less about toxic masculinity, and get in touch with their feminine side. And if a straight man (real or fiction) does show emotion with another guy - NOPE, CLEARLY GAY. CLEARLY NOT STRAIGHT! Hate. It. And hate them.

But yes, I've been around people who think bl/am had way more chemistry than klaine did. Some even saying that they used to ship klaine until they saw the chemistry between Blaine and Sam and it just changed their mind. And then proceed to indicate that Blaine Anderson through writing is this nerdy, subservient guy who manages to fall into helpless situations where he needed constant saving because "his poor feelings" 24/7. Couldn't stand up for himself once. Couldn't think for himself. But OH, THE BEST THEY WRITER FOR BLAINE WOW. Like get fucked you pretentious, dim witted dumbasses. Thanks for weakening Blaine's character I guess. uwu bl/am 5ever because Blaine's attraction to Sam's lips is better than anything klaine had uwu. And Sam is superior because he never was biphobic uwu (because we ignore Sam being racist, noooo Sam is just hilarious and a dork, never did anything wrong. Oh also underage stripping is fine because it's hot as that's all Sam is reduced to I guess. Oh and abandoning your family to help a glee club isn't thoughtless - no no, Sam NEVER made dumb decisions, he's perfect for Blaine because impressions!!!). Give me a break.

Not every shipper is as awful, that much is obvious because every ship (being for it or against it) is going to have level headed shippers who can logically enjoy a ship without hating on the other canon love interest. But god, almost everyone I've been around who thinks it's necessary to hate on Kurt just to say their ship is more superior with "chemistry wins" logic pisses me off and we don't affiliate with those people anymore (thank god because you lose sanity around people like this). Wishing harm (sometimes death) on another character to upraise your ship isn't you being hilarious and quirky. It's just you being total assholes. And that goes for everyone.

[masked-buffoon]

Chapter 7: An oxidising world of a dream (Part 5)

Warnings: angst

Author notes: yes, I do consider that this part is heartbreaking enough to put angst as a warning... Do tell me if you think otherwise! (or another smart way to ask for feedback...)

I waited behind the door of the familiar infirmary, my arms crossed and my look focused onto the carpet beneath my feet. I had been ordered to stay there until Dazai came out, while he had sent men and Akutagawa to the art museum of Yokohama for a mission. If at first I had wondered if he was punishing me for my previous failure during the casino mission, I had soon realised that this raid to the museum was pointless, and clearly a trap Mimic had set for us. However, the squadron had been getting impatient, lately, and their desire to fight overcame any trace of reason their consciousness held. The most stupid of all had to be the "dog". He exposed himself to danger without further questioning, only to prove our superior he was worth his praises. He could not understand that the executive did not expect such things from him... And he would never listen to my advice.

"Odasaku is awake." The door opened behind me.

"It is good." I cracked a discreet smile "Do you need me to do anything?"

"Come in, and try to convince him." Dazai sighed "He wants to go and save Akutagawa..."

"Akutagawa...?" I narrowed my eyes, following him inside the infirmary "Well, he is an asset for the Mafia, after all... And you will not pretend you are ready to toss his power aside, will you?"

"So you agree, Ogawa?" Oda asked me upon seeing me.

"I am glad to see you are better, Oda." I smiled "And I do agree that helping Akutagawa out would be better. However... I could go myself. You have just woken up and many things occurred. You need to rest."

"Resting..." He hummed "I don't need it. I feel as though I owe someone, so I can't stay there doing nothing."

"Owing..." Dazai sighed "The one you owe doesn't even remember what he'd lent you..."

"But I do." He shrugged "Besides, it is absolutely out of question that you go, Ogawa."

"I have not been ordered not to go." I defended.

"Dazai, order her."

"Why would he...?" I frowned "I can —"

"A consequent amount of shops and warehouses of the Port Mafia has been bombed while Odasaku was asleep." My superior cut me "And you took care of every single case without my assistance. You too, need to rest."

"You'd rather send your sick friend off than your lieutenant...?" I argued, holding onto Oda's sleeve so he would not leave "I am your subordinate, I appreciate that you care about my safety but... It is my duty. Oda needs to rest, he was poisoned heavily and no matter how strong he is, he is still weakened from the —"

The executive grabbed my wrist and pulled me closer to him, until my forehead rested onto his shoulder. The effects of No Longer Human were immediate; the thoughts of my surroundings faded away, and my eyelids felt heavy with the need to sleep.

"You can't..." I protested, trying to pull away but finding myself too weak to do so "You can't..."

"You haven't slept, the other night... I order you to rest now..." He said, rather softly.

"But your friend... He... Will..."

"Odasaku will be alright." He reassured me "I trust him, I know he will not put himself in danger."

I heard footsteps getting away and deduced the man had left. He had resolved himself to let Oda go... Fatigue took over and my knees buckled under my weight, brusquely. His arms wrapped around my waist to support me and my hands gripped onto Dazai's coat as I fought not to fall asleep just yet, but I could not deny my body needed to doze off, for at least a few hours. I hated being so useless...

"I... Am of no use to you..." I murmured, my voice muffled by his coat.

"Being exhausted makes you say idiotic things." He retorted, suddenly picking me up to lay me down on the bed "Why are you still trying not to fall asleep...?"

"I heard you... Praising Akutagawa..." I refused to let go of him "Even if he is dumb... He has power... Everyone... Around you is so strong... And I..."

"Stop saying things you know I have never thought about, Ogawa... Comparing you with Akutagawa is impossible, comparing you with Odasaku is unbelievable as well." Dazai stated.

"... Am I an incompetent...?"

"The one who said that must be blind."

"Akutagawa has a good sight..." I closed my eyes, but opened them before surrendering to sleep "I am... Incompetent... Unsuited to be by your side... I don't want to sleep and be useless..."

His hand landed onto my forehead, pushing my bangs away from my eyes and making contact with my skin.

"Being useless is the last thing I think about you..." He assured me "I'd appreciate it if you had some sleep before going back to work."

"I'll leave you alone..."

"I'll bring you to the office as soon as you close your eyes, then. I swear, so now, do not torment your mind with such thoughts anymore and only think about resting well, to assist me afterwards." He cracked a smile, clumsily running his hand across my head.

"Alright, then... If it is not a bother..." My eyelids fell and my body went numb.

"... How could that ever be a bother...?"

Dazai had gone out with Oda. The two had some business to take care about, and my superior had insisted for me not to go. After the incident at the art museum, Akutagawa had come back safely, as well as Oda, and the matter was settled within hours. I leaned my head onto the bay of the executive's office. The sun had disappeared behind the horizon for a moment now, leaving only the darkness and a few stars to light it up. I noticed it was a night without a moon, and did not like it. When the world was too immersed in shadows, nothing good would ever occur. I feared this night was ominous.

"Come back safe, Dazai..." I whispered, looking away from the lights of the town.

Humankind had always hated complete darkness. Electricity had allowed us to tame the night and its fictional monsters so we could prolong our day as much as possible. But whether it was under the sun or a neon light, we could never run away from our own shadows, and I liked to think the evilness laying still within us was the origin of our tales about the night. The true monsters often — not to say always — had a human face.

Slowly, I walked across the office to take my coat before exiting it, without forgetting to close the door behind me. It felt so lonely, being away from his side... Everything seemed completely worthless if Dazai was nowhere around me, as if the reason I could live had been taken away from me. In a way, I was aware of the dangerous truth; I depended on my superior as much as I was addicted to morphine, perhaps even more, and I could not imagine once that we could be apart. He had given me a reason to be in this world which had casted me away mercilessly, and striving to stay alive was a feeling I had just started to embrace. I could go as far as stating it was a glimpse of happiness I was experiencing... I wanted to cling onto it with my whole being, sometimes forgetting that nothing was more ephemeral than human joy. There was nothing which would not be lost... And I did not remember.

"Ogawa-kun...!"

I turned around upon hearing a voice calling my name. The second in command, Yamada-san... After how badly he had tried to take advantage of me, we had rarely interacted with each other. In front of Dazai, he acted friendly, but I knew he wanted to be ridden of me after I had humiliated him, the day I had killed my parents.

"What can I do for you?" I asked, poised.

"Actually..." He sighed "I have a pile of paperwork awaiting me, but... Today is my wife's and my anniversary so I did not want to go back late..."

"You are married...!" I exclaimed, astonished.

"I never wear my ring when in the headquarters... Not to trouble her, right? But I am. We even have the most adorable son." He smiled "I met her after that incident... I still can't apologise enough for that day."

"It is too late, now. But I can overlook it, for once."

For the first time, I felt sympathy toward this man I would usually be annoyed about.

"I'll take care of it for you." I smiled back "Please have fun."

"I'll make sure to." He nodded excitedly "Thanks a bunch, Ogawa-kun!"

A bunch...? Well... I watched his back walking away a moment before going into his office. The pile of paperwork was, indeed, a pile, threatening to wither and crash onto the ground at any moment, and I sighed heavily, bringing the documents to Dazai's office where I felt more comfortable. I had been supposed to wait for his return; he would kill me when he would discover I was working overtime... Oh, well... It had been a moment I had not had a warm cup of coffee, anyway.

It was well-past midnight when the door of the office opened. The headquarters were most likely empty, except for the Boss and a few guards doing their night shift. On this floor, this room was the only one where the light was still on. I smiled at my superior, who visibly did not expect seeing me there, and took a sip of my fifth cup of coffee.

"Welcome back, Dazai." I stood up to take his coat off of his shoulders.

"Ogawa...? No wonder you were not at your place..."

He had stopped by, thinking I was waiting for him...? I almost regretted stubbornly staying there to help the second in command out...

"Forgive me for not telling you beforehand..." I apologised "There was still work to do..."

"This is not your job." He stated, taking a look at the papers.

"He..." I paused, thinking I could not reveal the truth about the marriage "... Had important things to take care of."

"Important enough for you to comply?" Dazai raised his two eyebrows "He surely lied to you to leave and have a drink with his friends."

"... Is that so...? My, I'm so stupid..." I did not want to argue and attempted to avoid the subject "Thinking I could have easily read his thoughts..."

"Whatever you are hiding, I'm not going to ask about it if you don't want to talk about it..." He sighed, resigned, and let himself fall onto a couch "To think you'd help him after what he has done to you... That disgusting jerk..."

I was dumb to think he would not find out I was lying...

"You seem especially exhausted, tonight." I noted, taking a seat in front of him "What happened...?"

"Nothing." He dodged the matter "Do you still have a lot to do?"

"There isn't much left..." I told him "I'll hurry so you can cancel my ability and have some sleep yourself."

"Please, do so..." He grumbled lowly.

I sat back at his desk and started reading the different reports. Dazai was not usually so grumpy and tired. Definitely, something was wrong about him, but I knew better than asking him directly. If only I could read his thoughts... I would have been able to tell what bothered him.

Minutes after, his breathing was regular, and I looked up at him, only to see he was gone in deep slumber. Soundlessly, I took his coat from the hanger and draped it over his body to protect him from the cold. Summer had installed itself in Japan, but the nights were still chilly, especially in an office freshened up by air conditioning. Many people had a peaceful face when sleeping, but he... He did not look appeased at all. On the contrary, it appeared sleeping brought his own monsters to the surface of his consciousness and tormented him... I decided not to do anything, judging he, no matter what, did need a good night of rest too. And if nightmares disturbed him, I would act accordingly to the situation. He had often made sure I was sleeping correctly before leaving — I could have felt it — so it was my turn to protect his rest.

I stared at him, leaning my chin onto the back of my hand. He had not budged at all and my paperwork had long been over. I did not believe Dazai could sleep so well; he was more the type to suffer from insomnia. I often wondered, when waking up, what he had been up to during the night. After granting me sleep, did he go back to his impersonal apartment? Or did he wander around Yokohama to have a few drinks? Did he bring women back to his place? The thought coated my cheeks in red and I quickly banned it from my mind. Whatever he did, I was certain he did not get much sleep. I shut off the lights, only to turn on the small lamp on the desk. The sieved light was more relaxing than the main one, and it bathed the room in a comfortable atmosphere. While my superior was soundly asleep, I took a random book from the shelf and started reading it. How to prevent accidental casualties. So this book did exist and he had truly read it. He had not lied, the other day... I felt bad for doubting him, but one had to admit discerning between his acts and his true words was a challenge. When was he serious and when was he playing around? Oda easily understood the shifts in the mood, but I... No, I could not think about his friend anymore. I always ended up frustrated when looking up to this amazing person. I had embarrassingly ranted about my uselessness again, earlier, I could not afford to ridicule myself anymore. I did not want him to look at me like a pitiful thing...

Suddenly, the coat fell from Dazai and landed onto the floor with a muffled noise. I put the book aside to readjust it over his body, but, as I did so, he forcefully grabbed my wrist and pulled me toward him. His one eye was wide opened onto me.

"D-Dazai, you are going to cancel my ability..." I broke the silence, trying to free myself from his grip.

"... Isn't that what I am supposed to do...?" He asked, rather tiredly.

"You fell asleep, I was not going to take advantage of your ability while you were defenceless..." I said "Well, that's what I thought, but you are actually always vigilant about your surroundings..."

"Obviously..." He let me go to rub his face "How long have I been sleeping?"

"Two to three hours, roughly. You should close your eyes again; you were resting so well..."

"What about you? Are you done?"

"I am, don't worry..."

"Then, let's —"

I gently pushed him back to the couch and put his coat back onto him with a slight smile.

"I had some sleep in the afternoon... It's your turn, Dazai..." I declared.

"But your ability... Won't it be a bother?"

"I'll be fine, just think about yourself... Please rest. There are people counting on you to lead them tomorrow..." I told him.

His expression was unreadable, but he adjusted his position so he would be laying on the couch instead of sleeping in a sitting position. His fingers held onto his coat and brought it around his upper body, as though he felt cold, and his eyes closed.

"Goodnight..." I whispered.

"I saw Ango, tonight. We went to the bar." He interrupted my moves.

"Dazai, you should —"

"He was an undercover agent for the government, you know...? And a spy in Mimic for the Port Mafia too..." He chuckled, a bit bitterly "He betrayed us... He betrayed me..."

"I'm sorry..." I had no clue what to say "The three of you were so close as friends..."

"... Come there a bit..." He demanded.

I decided to sit down on the edge of the couch.

"I lost him..." He finally muttered, his voice muffled by the heavy black cloth "I lost Ango... I lost our friendship... I said I was prepared to lose everything I once owned... But I'm not... His loss left a hole somewhere in me... I don't know how to fill it... Am I not pathetic, showing you such a sight...?"

"Not at all..." I hesitatingly patted his shoulder "If anything, I am glad that you could tell me such a thing..."

"You are there... Odasaku is still there too, but for some reasons, I feel so lonely..." He confessed.

What could I do or say to soothe his pain? I did not know... I did not want to pretend I understood the gap he experienced, nor could I come up with classic lines; Dazai did not need them. Dazai did not want me to say "don't worry."

"... I'll always be there..." I reminded him.

But I was not enough.

[dxmedstudent]

Hi. Med student in final year here. I did my final exams last year but this year is portfolio-assessed. On a&e atm, love the clinical experience, but feeling absolutely rubbish, incompetent and useless. I have anxiety, so I usually cope with it by doing things deliberately and slowly to stay calm, because I know that if I rush, i will drop things and mess things up out of nerves. But that doesn't work in a&e, where pts need things doing asap, and I'm losing confidence. Part 1

Part 2. Med student in a&e. Doubting my abilities and wondering whether i should even be a dr. Missed an abg today and didn’t even attempt a cannulation that i think i could have done because the senior dr saw me taking some time over finding a good vein for the patient and said he would do it himself. I love the experience of a&e, i just hate feeling incompetent and stupid. Thanks for listening! On wkend shift atm, just 3 hours left            Hi, finalist and future colleague. Welcome! Congratulations on passing finals already, that’s so great! Good luck on your shadowing year, it’s such an exciting, scary time when you get to pick up lots of skills that are essential for FY1s. I’m so sorry that your A&E placement is making you feel like that. I’m positive that you’re actually pretty good. But like all finalists, there’s still much to pick up, becase med school only takes us so far. Your next job over the coming year is just going to be a dash to get as much practice as you can, whenever you can, and just to do your best and learn from your colleagues. It sounds like you are trying hard, and I know that you are going to be great when you start on the wards as an FY1 this August. No matter how much preparation we have, final year and FY1 are still scary steps, but they are things that you can overcome. You can do this!  I personally really enjoyed my A&E placement in final year because it was so busy that they loved any help. I got to do ALL the things, and it felt great to be a more active part of the team. I’m so, so sorry that you’re not having as good a time as you could be. Let me just say, that if a colleague is rushing you, that is entirely on them, and nothing to do with you. It is not your fault that they responded like that, and although they probably didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, it’s not your fault that they did. I will admit that if I see someone struggling,and I’m snowed under with work, my first thought can sometimes be “Ugh, just let me do it, then we’ll both be free to do stuff soon!”. This is a human response to just wanting to get work done as fast as possible so we can move on to the next job. A lot of us think this, and some of us are guilty of doing this to our juniors sometimes. the “Let me just do it, it’ll be quicker” reflex can get stuff done, but it doesn’t give the next generation good teaching experience, so I feel that we need to do this as infrequently as we posssibly can. I’ve been the victim of this approach, too, and whilst I appreciate that it makes things quicker, I feel that it affects our learning. Because if we’re having valuable opportunities taken away so they can be done quicker, then when do we get to learn?Not only does it deprive people of opportnities, but it can make people feel bad about themselves. Like you, people can feel that they are a burden because they are just not fast enough. But that’s emphatically not true; we all have to start off somewhere. And doing something less speedily than a seasoned professional is not incompetence. It’s doing things at the pace that you need to do them. I assure you, that doesn’t make you incompetent. I’m sure that they didn’t have any intention of making you feel that way, but all the same, perhaps they should have handled things a little differently. I joke that I’m the cannula queen (well, they did call me that on one job, for real, I’m not entiiiirely making it up!), but my colleagues do often come to me for advice for difficult sticks and procedures. Just this past week, my team (including my consultant) tried to place a cannula in a palliative patient, then asked me to do it. I got it first time. These days, as a more senior SHO, the next step up from me is either the reg on call, or the ITU reg with the ultrasound machine, so I feel a pressure to place that line. But you get there, and there are lots of tricks you learn to make it a bit easier. My real secret is just the same as yours; I take my time. I fill a glove with hot water. I bring a comfy tourniquet. I position the arm at a level lower than the heart. I kneel, so I’m in a comfy position. Then I sit, and I take my time, picking my spot carefully until I’m sure I can place a line.There’s a limit to how long you can leave on a tourniquet, but you can (and sometimes must) always take time over a procedure to make sure it’s done right.  Taking your time is not a sign of incompetence, it’s a sign that you’re thinking through exactly what you need to do. And if I’m having a procedure done to me, I want that person to be taking the time that they need. So I think it’s unfair that they didn’t give you the chance to work through your process and find a vein you were comfortable with; it’s an important skill to work out how big a line you can place where. Nobody should be interrupting you halfway through a procedure attempt, it’s not really fair. If that patient was absolutely urgently in need of a line that couldn’t wait that extra 5 minutes, they should have left it to someone else and allocated you a less emergent patient. But I really suspect it was more to do with our colleague’s impatience because of their own stress about workload, rather than something that couldn’t wait. A&E is a stressful, time pressured environment, and whilst I love working with A&E colleagues, I’ve certainly butted heads wth them on occasion over their “4 hour rule” and focus on time above all else. When I was at your stage, I went through runs of missing every cannula, every ABG. Sometimes I’d miss like, 5 in a row. And it feels bad. I’ve failed a lot of procedures, to get to the point where I’m confident with the basics. I have messed up so many cannulas, I have lost count. The last time I failed a cannulation attempt was also last week! I still miss ABGs, too, sometimes. But I’ve also gotten better and better, to the point where my seniors on paeds trusted me to cannulate sick newborns and just get on with it. Purely because I’ve just taken every opportunity to try every single time that I could. And that’s one thing I recommend for everyone. Take it one day at a time; each patient is a new chance to become better at your skills. What you need to do is just keep on trying. They won’t all be equally scary. Most of us have a ‘med student gets two shots and then calls a doc’ policy, which I think is fair enough; you all need to learn, and once you’ve been taught, the only way we learn is by doing cannulas. If you keep messing up, I’d ask one of the juniors to observe you, or even observe them so you can pick up tips on how to hold things, or how to tether veins/hold limbs in position. Little things that you can’t learn on a plastic arm but that make a big difference. I certainly don’t think this means you ‘shouldn’t be a doctor’ at all, though it’s the most normal thing in the world to questoin yourself; it’s something we all do when something at work makes us feel bad about ourselves. I don’t know a doctor I know well who hasn’t felt exactly like you have, and who hasn’t struggled on occasion. You have time to learn to be more than good. All you need to do is take things one step at a time, and work out a system that works for you. Forget everyone else and their time pressures, and focus on the job you have at hand. You can learn to juggle time pressures, and learn to get faster and smoother at the things you do. You will get there, one step at a time. Let me know how you get on :)

[demonofthelight]

Life stories: Simon Clarke

Joanne (presenter): What keeps you awake at night, like what do you regret the most?

Simon: I don't know if I regret anything because everything teaches you something. Everything we go through is a lesson in life.

Joanne: That's the diplomatic response. What's the real response? If you could change something what would be?

Simon: There's this girl, anyone that listens to this podcast regularly probably knows all about her. Well, I can't regret us ending, because she's getting married in, what's the date? She's getting married in less than a month and she's meant to be happy so I don't regret us ending. I regret being so unimportant in her eyes that we don't still speak. I regret that, more than anything. I don't know if she was the 'one' but she was a friend. A friend I will forever adore.

Joanne: Does that keep you awake at night.

Simon: I wouldn't go that far but there are days I wonder about her.

Joanne: If she was watching this show, what would you say to her?

Simon: I'm sorry I never made her happy and I'm sorry she felt pressured by me. There's this story where a mutual friend once told me, this girl who I don't want to name Joanne, I really don't. You've shown pictures there but she doesn't look the same anymore not even the same coloured hair. Anyway this mutual friend told me she 'hates me for bringing her up'. Honestly, I'm sick of talking about it but I was always taught there's no taboo subject.

Joanne: Do you wish you two stayed in touch?

Simon: Mixed. (looking uncomfortable and shifting) I wish we never drifted so apart into two different circles but the circle she mixes in aren't compatible with the circle I drift in. I don't want to sound like an arrogant asshole. I mean it's nothing to do with superiority or a god complex. The circles I drift in are quite intellectual. Political debates, university alumina, professional jobs, e-sports. The circles she drifts in are more materialistic or hobby orientated. Motorbikes, sports etc. I mean some of those people think I'm literally the worst thing to happen to her, while some of the people in my circle find those who can't debate infuriating. The reality is the person she is now and the person I am now are completely different.

Joanne: Moving on to the death of your mom. Can you remember the day you found out?

Simon: Like it was yesterday. I got woke up in the morning while the paramedics were in my kitchen. I got told that my mom had died in her sleep and as you can imagine my father was in bits. I didn't know how to process it initially so I stayed in my room for about an hour. As time passed, I just wanted to be hugged and told I wasn't as alone as I felt.

Joanne: I'm sure your sisters and brother were by your side.

Simon: Of course, but they were trying to come to grips with it too. To be entirely honest, I reached out to a friend the following day or within the next few days. It became a blur that week but I remember distinctly that the one female who I loved and depended on to that level other than my mother was my ex. I spent the time up until the funeral genuinely believing she would pop over and check up on me even after we broke up on bad terms.

Joanne: How did your friend react , how did they support you?

Simon: As we've touched on, I was a loner in school. Until near the end of high school, I was a bullied shy kid. I didn't have any true friends. But this moment, this terrible event, Matthew made me realise I would never have to go through a travesty alone. He took time out to go for a drink with me during that week and he took the day off work to go to my mom's funeral. He's a complete atheist. He think's my philosophy on the afterlife is closer to Stephen King than history textbooks but he literally walked probably a few miles to and from the funeral just to show his support. I've never told him how much that meant to me. But I'd like to think he just knows.

Joanne: I'm sure he wasn't the only friend over that time?

Simon: No, I have another fantastic friend called Andrew. I had a very bitter falling out over him trying to get me support and honestly anyone else would have knocked me out for the abuse I gave him over it. He just laughed it off. One of two friends that I can depend on, hopefully and as far as I'm concerned the rest of my life.

Joanne: You mentioned the girl again (picture of 2011 as a couple goes on screen), her family is your neighbour right so they knew about what happened with your mom but didn't she text you or call in?

Simon: Her parents lived opposite the street, but she never asked or showed concern on my wellbeing. I have no entitlement of that care. It's her right to feel or act in any legal way she wishes. I'll respect her freedom to do that for as long as I can.

Joanne: How does that make you feel?

Simon: It made me realise our perspectives on the 18 months we were in a relationship were different. For me, it was a fantastic period and I imagine for her it's best to forget it.

Joanne: Does that bother you?

Simon: Should it? People change, circumstances change. Can we move on?

Joanne: OK. We'll go to a break... Welcome back. I'd like to talk about university and is it true that you were warned before you enrolled?

Simon: As a 18 year old child. I made a stupid comment about a friend publicly on Facebook. My friend found it hilarious and it's the sort of dark humour we say to each other over voice chat and in person but someone twisted what I said to imply someone who died in my local area. Well implied the post was about them. I never met and couldn't care less about them. I apologised and thought that was the end of it but a formal police report was filed and the individuals informed my university who at this point had just provided me with an offer to enrol that I accepted. I mean top business college diploma in the county, they ripped the hands off for me. So that was interesting. The university was great about it. The police were as incompetent as you can imagine but it did teach me that don't say anything on social media that can't be literally taken. Like this will go up on YouTube and Tumblr. So anything I say can be proved.

Joanne: How did you emotionally react to this event, where what you said was taken out of context?

Simon: Betrayed by others but I was stupid and naiive. You can't be those things especially as a successful businessman. At this time a lot of falsehoods and rumours came around ranging from me being a drug addict to committing sexual assault. It was obvious at this point those who had ever had a conversation with me knew that I had traditional moral values so the accusations were as ridiculous as they sound. Childish rumours spread to squash what I had to say. My friends just ignored them, and the people the bullshit influenced were better off not in my life anyway.

Joanne: I've only met you twice and you're quite outspoken about some controversial subjects but its obvious to me morally your the other way. Severely punish criminals, probably too far in my opinion.

Simon: I agree, my opinions can be quite controversial but I'm as against illegal drugs as I love a cup of tea. Even my critics would tell you that.

Joanne: You've gone from a social media account with 50000 followers overall to less than a tenth of the size. Why do you think this is and does it bother you?

Simon: I used to be a depressing blogger with poems, and writing that was soul crushing but honest about my thoughts or feelings about myself. I then started to feel less lost so naturally started writing about facts not emotions. Politics was always a topic I found fascinating. I've always been debating since I can remember. I get off on a debate, which is why it's hilarious to mock those that call you names because they can't debate the facts of the topic. I started looking at things like the wage gap and white privilege economically and they don't hold up to the scrutiny expected in academic work. They just don't. Those that believe either of those things are either stupid or lied too.

Joanne: I don't want to go down the rabbit hole of politics because it's become who you are but if I can, I want to touch on 'getting off' of those that call you names in other words 'Trolls' can you elaborate on that?

Simon: I'll give you an example. I'm quite camp just look at what I'm wearing so I got an anon message on Tumblr once that read 'you are a gay homophobic sexist Nazi that should just kill yourself'. How hilarious is the stupidity of that statement. If I was gay, I couldn't be homophobic and gay people aren't allowed to be a Nazi. It shows the idiocy of these people that are probably children.

Joanne: Does these kind of hate messages matter to you?

Simon: Of course it matters, everybody wants to be liked. Those that claim otherwise are lying. But the opinions of people I've never met who are so ashamed of themselves they hide through anonymous, do not matter to me. The opinions of friends and parents of friends matter to me.

Joanne: You once said you were 'bad with women'.

Simon: Oh God, yea. I really wish I hadn't had said that. It was on an emotional post at 3am. It was a spur of the moment thought. I don't think I'm naturally bad with women but I am a marmite figure. I'm not universally liked. Most people I meet are probably intimidated by me. I think the women that I find attractive clearly don't normally find me attractive.

Joanne: Why is that? What type of women do you find attractive?

Simon: I'm probably a 6 out of ten, if I could lose the acne probably a good 7. I tend to fall for either the tall slim blonde or the short petite unique person. I'm quite simple like that. Then if they are able to debate or disagree with me brilliantly, I just adore them.

Joanne: (laughs) So you see yourself as just above average?

Simon: In looks, I do. In style, I'm quite unique and some people hate that I stand out. In personality, I am extremely demanding but I also expect that from myself.

Joanne: Do you ever think about children?

Simon: I did. I thought about marriage and kids but I've only ever found three people in 21 years that I could see having a life with. I do think about children's names though, I have top three for both genders. For a boy: Constantine, Excalibur or Arthur. For a girl: Katherine, Kate or Kathleen.

Joanne: Do you think it's fair when some people refer to you as egotistical, arrogant or psychotic?

Simon: It's no business of mine what other's perceive me to be. I can only concentrate on who I am and I'm none of those things.

Joanne: Do you like being the centre of attention with someone claiming you 'have to be seen to be the most overdressed person because you need the attention?

Simon: I don't mind it, but I don't actively pursue it. I don't really mind whether someone outshines me. I love a challenge and I think demanding the best from myself constantly while can be quite exhausting to see, is who I am whether that's monopoly, gaming or dressing.